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stressedspidergirlsfandomblog · 5 years

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Fic update. Unedited. Dark themes. Citrus Themes. TW for a lot of stuff. Read at your own risk.

“We should talk before I lose my nerve,” Shiro mumbles after they’ve been sitting for a while.

“Is it really that bad?” Curtis asks, pulling back some to get a better look at Takashi’s face. “Between the two of us I think we’ve covered almost the entire gamut of human suffering.”

“I think it might be, I know someone always has it worse-”

“That’s irrelevant,” Curtis interrupts. “There is no ‘worse’ in trauma. That’s not how that works. Would you tell one of your paladins that they had it worse than each other? Or that one suffered more and deserves something special?”

“No, of course not, they need to support each other’s needs as is!” he says indignantly and then realizes what he’s walked into. “I just don’t think it’s fair to compare four teens and an idiot in space with people who’ve been through even more horrific stuff.”

“What idiot? Keith?” Curtis teases, kissing Takashi’s cheek. “You’re being extra stupid on purpose and I don’t love it,” he informs the other man. “If I say, you had it worse than me, does that feel true to you?”

“No, you saw people around you die, you lost….”

“But I had happy parents, a good childhood, I’ve been accepted and loved by my whole family my whole life. So how do I compare that with what you went through? Am I even allowed to talk about my ‘suffering’ with you? Since you’ve had it worse?” Curtis pushes. He’s going to make this point and win this argument once and for all.

“It’s not the same thing, you can’t compare my childhood to yours, or the Galra Invasion to being held captive, you can’t just compare our pain like that,” Takashi points out.

“So would you stop doing it then?” Curtis asks.

“I wasn’t-”

Curtis raises an eyebrow.

“I will do my best to stop and correct myself when I start to do it.”

“That’s all I can ask for,” Curtis smiles. “Our pain is so different, love, you can’t put price tags or weights on it. And we all show it so differently. No one handles things the same. No one feels the same way about something. Even if we both love something, we bring with us completely different ways of seeing it and reasons why we love it.”

“When did you turn into a great sage?” he wrinkles his nose at his boyfriend.

“I’ve always been smart like this. You were too busy busting flight records in the Academy to much care about intellectual pursuits.”

“Hey!”

Curtis laughs and kisses him. Takashi kisses back, stepping back in so their bodies are perfectly aligned. He almost doesn’t want to know what it is they have to talk about. It will not only ruin the moment, but clearly the other man isn’t sure how to begin, and doesn’t want to, either. But it’s not Curtis’ job to push. It’s his job to wait.

Reluctantly pulling back, Shiro looks around. “Can we get this over with?” he asks hesitantly.

“Yeah, of course,” Curtis says, face clouding. Clearly this is going to be awful for both of them. Reaching out to touch Takashi’s cheek, he lets his hand drop when Shiro pulls away a little.

“Sorry,” he says, when he sees the hurt in the other man’s eyes. “Sorry, I just. If you start being nice and touching me, I won’t be able to do this. And you’ve said you won’t fool around with me until we do this, and I really really want to fool around and have sex, and I’m going to lose my nerve if we don’t just get this over with.”

He takes a minute to meet Takashi’s eyes, before nodding a little. “Let’s sit on the couch?” he suggests. Then when it’s over they can cuddle up and comfort each other a lot easier.

“I can do that,” Takashi agrees, practically vibrating out of his skin with nerves. He’d known his day was leading up to this, but it doesn’t make it any easier. “I… don’t… No matter what I do, if you interrupt me, or, or talk, or do anything to help, I won’t be able to get through this. I’ll start crying and I will never be able to actually tell you any of this.” He meets Curtis’ eyes, his own already welling with tears that he blinks away irritably. He tugs at the collar of his shirt of a second or two, fidgeting as he tries to find a comfortable way to sit. Stands up twice, and settles back down, legs tightly crossed.

Curtis nods, and leans back, crossing his legs and then crossing his arms across his chest. “Okay. No interruptinh, and I’ll keep my hands to myself,” he says seriously. “But, if you can’t do it, just lean into me. And we’ll try again later. Okay? I won’t hold you until you ask.” Verbally or nonverbally.

Nodding, “I don’t know if I can make eye contact with you, while I do this,” Shiro whispers.

“That’s okay,” Curtis reassures him, letting him stall. Some part of him his morbidly curious, and he hates that. The rest of him doesn’t want to know anything about this, other than it could impact them both negatively in bed. And in their relationship in general. Half tempted to give the other man an out, he takes a slow even breath.

“Okay,” he looks up at Curtis briefly, seeking that love and reassurance he always sees when they make eye contact. “Don’t talk to me anymore,” he says with a shuddering breath. Grateful when Curtis just stays quiet. “I know…” he tries to start and has to take a few seconds. “I know you know the Galra ran experiments on me,” his voice shakes and he takes a few breaths to calm himself. “And sometimes I don’t think it was malicious, just, curious. It was still awful,” he whispers in a smaller voice. “Like when they would test the mobility in my joints, see how far they could bend before they broke. I think hurting me was just a bonus for them on their journey to scientific inquiry.” He clenches his fist, and then slides a hand into his pocket where he keeps Allura’s gem. She’d want him to talk about this. She’d be proud he was working past it. Thinking about their silent nights on the bridge of the Castle, just watching stars, unable to speak about their nightmares, he takes another breath.

He can’t look up at Curtis, or he’ll break and never be able to do this. See those blue eyes softened in compassion and worry. His breathing hitches just thinking about it. Focus. Squeezing the gem in his palm, he nods to himself a little. “Well, they were… curious, and they did all sorts of things,” his throat squeezes and he breathes through his nose. He can do this. “I know they stuck things up my nose, in my ears, I’m… I’m pretty sure they did things to my eyes that I can’t remember,” thank the gods. “They were interested in human reproduction…” his breathing is ragged and it takes several moments to compose himself.

Curtis is rigid in his seat, because he has to be or he’s going to pull Takashi into his arms and not let go of him for several hours. He is doing his best to keep his face neutral and calm, for all he can feel the rage making his heart pound. Biting his lip to stop himself from saying a word, he is starting to get where some of this is leading.

“They were interested in our anatomy in general… I guess since I was Champion they were especially curious as to what made me tick, vs another human. I don’t know if they experimented on Matt or Sam like they did me, but I doubt it. Since they were both removed from the arena to do scientific work.” His voice takes on a flat, almost bored quality. “One time, they chose to, I don’t know if they knew how humiliating it would be. I have no idea what culture or customs they had, or if they even saw me as anything other than a slave…” his voice trails off and he looks down at his pocket, rolling the gem over and over in his hand.

“I don’t know if it was intentional, I don’t know if they even wanted to hurt me. They did plenty of things that were painless.” And so many things that weren’t. “It could have just been a misjudgement on their part. I don’t really know. But they tore me open… ‘exploring.’ I suppose I’m lucky they didn’t rupture anything internal, but sometimes I wish they had.” He shrugs a little, more to himself than to Curtis. He’s almost forgotten the other man is in the room with him. “When they were done, they left me in my cell. And the bleeding just… didn’t stop. So I hid it. I wanted to die, and then one day I woke up and it was healing.” Tears spill over his cheeks without warning. “So I tore myself open, because it was the only way I could hurt myself in those cells.”

His throat squeezes and he struggles to breathe. Just admitting it. Admitting it out loud that he had wanted to die. Had tried to kill himself. It’s oddly freeing while absolutely terrifying. Because he’s admitting it to himself now, too, for the first time. “Eventually they figured out something was wrong. I… did some damage to myself,” he whispers. “I’d been refusing food, hiding it so they wouldn’t know. Trying to make sure I hid the blood, too… so they stapled me up, chained me spread eagle so I couldn’t move so much as an inch, and shoved a feeding tube down my throat…. And left me until I healed.” He chokes down a sob. “And the worst part is, I withstood everything they threw at me until then, and… something that might have just been an accident, something that might not have been even the slightest bit malicious is what broke me,” he whispers, starting to sob. “So many people survive intentional… attacks like that, and they survive and they go on and that’s what made me lose it…” he chokes out a bitter laugh. “Funny right? Kill people. Have your bones broken. Face torture. Sendak used to….” he looks up for a second, shaking his head with his lips pressed flat to his teeth so he won’t cry. “He loved that electric baton they had. And I handled that, too.”

Curtis forces himself to put his hands on his knees, so that when and if Takashi is ready for comfort, he won’t have to wait for Curtis to be able to peel his arms off his chest. He’s so rigid, and so angry, and so devastated for his partner. But he promised to stay quiet until it was over. He is dying to comfort Takashi, tell him everyone has a breaking point. Or just something that they can’t withstand. None of it makes him any less. He wants to also make sure that the other man isn’t considering what he had in that cell, not anymore. So he clenches his jaw and bites his tongue because this isn’t about him right now. For all he thinks he might be sick later. Repeatedly.

Starting to cry, he feels like he almost can’t stop the words now that he’s started. “They hurt me so much, and I’m so scared that if I try… if I try and do some of the things… that I would want, that you would want… Curtis I’m so scared if I try and…” he chokes, sobbing. “I don’t want to go down on you and freeze up,” he can’t force himself to explain why. Hopefully Curtis can infer why that might happen. “And I’m scared that if you… I’m scared if I let you, if I want you to, I’m scared the scars… I don’t want to tear open again, I don’t want to remember how that felt, I don’t want to feel any of that with you and I don’t want you to not sleep with me because I can’t give you what you can give me,” he forces out in a breath. “I’m so scared if we do the things I want to do, I’ll panic and hurt you, or… get hurt and I don’t want to hurt anymore,” he sobs miserably, shaking.

He hunches around himself, hand squeezing the gem in his pocket so tightly he’ll have the mark for hours. Curtis takes a few breaths to center himself, tears of his own running down his cheeks. Takashi has not told him he can respond now, yet, or do anything, and he hates to break that promise but he can’t take it anymore. He leans forward and gathers his partner into his arms. “I love you,” he says fiercely, “I love you and it doesn’t matter to me who puts what where, it never did and it never will.” Because that’s part of what this is about. Rubbing Takashi’s back, he slowly encourages the other man to curl into him. With gentle touches and soft reassurance, he eases Takashi into his lap so the other man can be as close to him as possible.

“I would never want to hurt you or scare you while we’re in bed together,” Curtis reassures him, blinking through tears of his own. For all he’s thankful Takashi doesn’t seem to think he could do that intentionally. Putting all the blame on himself, instead of the Galra. Kissing his temple, Curtis closes his eyes, feeling tears run over his own cheeks. Squeezing his partner tightly, he wishes he knew how to be more comforting.

Shiro wraps his legs around Curtis’ middle, too upset to be worried about if it’s comfortable for the other man or not. His hand is clutching the back of Curtis’ shirt, trying to press himself as close as possible to him. The need to feel safe, and loved is absolutely overwhelming. “I’m sorry,” he forces out between sobs. It’s a lot to dump on someone. Even if that someone said they wanted to know. “I’m sorry,” he says again, between sobs, over and over until he feels like he can’t stop.

“You don’t need to be sorry,” Curtis promises, forcing back sobs of his own. He has no idea what Takashi is apologizing for. Trying to find a way to hug him tighter, Curtis shifts his grip a little. Realizing at some point his partner is stuck repeating it, he pulls back a little to kiss him gently on the cheek, bridge of his nose, and corner of his mouth. Surprised when Takashi turns into the kiss, Curtis doesn’t stop him and kisses him back. When Shiro tries to pull back to apologize more, Curtis kisses him again to stop him. “I don’t know what you’re apologizing for, but you don’t have to, there’s nothing to be sorry for,” he promises. Pulling Takashi close again, he does his best to keep his breathing as even as he can. For all he’s starting to cry now, too.

He shifts a hand up to Takashi’s head, gently, but compulsively, smoothing the silvery white hair. Curtis isn’t sure if he’s trying to comfort himself, or his partner more, right now.

When he feels himself starting to wind down, Shiro pulls back, ashamed. He doesn’t need to make such a fuss. They stuck things in every hole in his body. What did it matter which one? They’d made holes and probed those, too. Cut him open. Cut his arm apart. Without anesthesia. They had tortured him so many times. Thrown him into that arena again and again and again. Body shuddering in exhaustion after the force of his outburst, he looks at Curtis wearily. Pulling his hand free from the back of Curtis’ shirt is no small feat, and it cramps as he tries to flex it. When his hand is finally under his control again, he reaches out to smooth away the tears on his partner’s cheeks. They look like diamonds against the dark skin, but Shiro still hates seeing them there.

Curtis allows Takashi to pull back, and get himself the rest of the way under control. “Let me go get some tissues,” he says softly, pressing a kiss to Takashi’s forehead.

“Okay,” he says hoarsely, half terrified Curtis won’t come back. Now that he knows just how damaged the goods are, he won’t want them anymore. Trying not to cry more, he can’t stop himself. Wrapping his arm around his middle he rocks a little, wishing he was stronger.

Shocked into stopping when something cold and wet touches the back of his neck, he freezes. Curtis is back, his face shiny with water and his hairline still damp. He holds still while Curtis gently runs the washcloth over his face and neck. It feels so good.

“Here, hold it up to your eyes for a minute or so while I make some tea,” Curt says gently, quickly folding it into a compress and holding it out to his partner. He also drops a box of tissues in Takashi’s lap. Leaving him to settle down some on his own, Curtis heads into the kitchen and starts making tea with shaking hands.

He glances at the tea bags and picks chamomile, setting up a pot. When the water from the kettle boils, he fills the pot and gets out two mugs. Adding a little honey to both, he has a feeling after all the crying they could use the sugar. Waiting a few minutes, he glances back at his partner, feeling devastated. Takashi’s shoulders still shake here and there, and from a room away Curtis can see the trembling in his hand as he holds the washcloth to his face.

Counting down the seconds until the tea bag has steeped enough to have some flavor, he glances at his comm. Should he call someone? Is there anyone Takashi would even take comfort in right now? Shaking his head a little, he pockets the device again and pours out two mugs of tea, stirs the honey into them, and heads back to the couch. Settling them on the cheap coffee table, he pulls Takashi back into his arms.

“You don’t have to stay,” he says dully, tears still running down his cheeks. He can’t seem to make them stop, but at least the sobbing has.

“What?” Curtis asks, too surprised to have any idea what the other man is talking about. “Where am I supposed to be going?” he glances at the clock.

“I just,” Shiro huffs. “I get it if you don’t want to be here right now.” He blinks hard, trying to stop more tears from squeezing out.

“Oh,” Curtis sighs heavily. “You can’t drive me off with this stuff.” Not that he’s trying to downplay how bad the ‘stuff’ in question really is. It’s just that he’s not afraid of it. Or Takashi’s pain. Sure, he’ll probably need an extra therapy appointment or two this month, instead of the one he’s gotten down to. But he’s not giving up on his partner now. They’ve come too far. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Shiro’s voice cracks. He lets Curtis settle him in closer, tucking his head under his chin. It feels so good. So safe. Nuzzling into the embrace, he works on evening out his breathing. He can calm down. Curtis won’t leave. At least not yet, so he can let himself feel safe enough to settle back down.

Rubbing Takashi’s back in slow circles, Curtis nuzzles him back as he tries to ignore the tortured flesh under his hand. Usually he just accepts it. Or ignores it. “I’m not leaving you, well, not until tomorrow when I have to go to work. But I really don’t want you to be alone all day tomorrow. Can I call someone for you?” he asks, worried. He doesn’t want this to spiral into Takashi hurting himself again. Or just being too depressed to do anything to take care of himself until Curtis gets home. Not that he’s really let himself get that bad. “Maybe you and Keith can convince Pidge you need to keep testing the speeders?”

“Maybe,” Shiro agrees wearily. “Just as long as I get to sleep in.”

“Deal,” Curtis agrees, a weight off his chest. “Come to my place tomorrow? Or just meet me at the Garrison and I’ll take you with me?” he offers. He has more teas, and a much nicer comfier place. For all Keith had helped Takashi make some improvements. The new sheets are a plus. The extra groceries are good, too. But Curtis still feels like he’s got more at his own apartment that will help them both feel comfortable. For one, he has pillows and a blanket on his couch. Two, he has a much bigger bathroom with a nicer shower.

“Are you sure you want me around?” he asks. He can almost feel the glare he gets and clears his throat. “Not like that, I just… you don’t need time to… process?”

Pulling back, he very deliberately catches Takashi’s face with both hands and presses his forehead against his own. “Look at me a minute?” he asks. Smiling a bit when red rimmed grey eyes meet his. “I have known since I met you that you had been through some bad stuff. I knew before I met you. This is awful stuff to have lived through. And I am sorry it happened. But I knew coming into this relationship you would have baggage. And I decided that if I wanted to be with you I would help you carry it. I can’t do it all the time, we both know that. And I have my own stuff, and you’ve been helpful and patient with it. So just… stop worrying that something the Galra did to you will make me stop loving you.” Not surprised when fresh tears roll over scarred cheeks, Curtis gently kisses him. “I have never been with you because I wanted to fuck you. So if you’re on top, it makes no difference to me.”

“Is that a polite way of saying you don’t want to fuck me?” Shiro tries to joke.

“I am saying I don’t care about that stuff. Being with you like this… is painful, I know, but it’s worth it. And just as worth my time as fooling around with you in the shower. It’s like yin and yang right? Good and bad? Can’t have the good without the bad.”

“Well hopefully we’ve both had enough bad times we don’t have to create new bad memories together,” Shiro mutters. Then wonders if what he just said made any sense at all. If anyone’s going to understand what he meant, it’s Curtis.

“We might make mistakes. Get frustrated with each other. It’ll be okay in the end. As long as we keep being honest with each other.” He pulls away and hands Takashi the mug. “How about we have the tea, get cleaned up, and go to bed?”

“And then you’ll tell me whatever you wanted me to know, too?”

“Are you sure you’re up for that? We might just need to sleep some…”

“Is it that bad? Or do you just think it’s not that important compared to…”

“It’s not that bad. It’s just there’s no rush…” he sips his own tea. “Mine is more about stuff I don’t like. Not much of it’s trauma. Just…things I’ve learned make me uncomfortable or turn me off.”

“Oh.” Shiro shifts a little, searching for a joke of some kind. “You mean I didn’t have to go through any of that, I could have just told you I’d rather top?” he forces an awkward chuckle.

“No, I don’t think that’s what I mean… some of it’s… not just preference.” Realizing Takashi is looking for something to ease some of the sting, he breathes out a sigh. “I … don’t love when people put my hands in their mouths because sometimes I panic and forget why they’re wet and that I’m feeling teeth and not rocks. It’s not often, but when it happens it’s hard to push through. Not to mention, I uh, with the grafts and all the broken bones, it just doesn’t feel right anymore.” He chuckles weakly. “I read somewhere that it takes the same amount of force to bite off a finger as it does to bite through a carrot. Every time some guy put my fingers in his mouth that’s all I could think of.” What if they bit down? “It just… with all of it… just lost it’s appeal entirely I guess. I used to like it. Maybe I will again, eventually.”

Shiro glances at Curtis, then his hands, wrapped around the mug. He nods a little. He doesn’t have any specific interest in those hands. Other than feeling them on his body. His face heats in response to the thoughts, and he feels guilty for having them.

“I can’t stand people touching my neck. A little kissing down the side is fine, but one guy I slept with just liked to rest his hand there. And it always made me feel like I was suffocating.” He glances away some. Any kind of pressure can trigger that terror in him now. But he hates when people do things like try and choke him in bed. Not that he really feels Takashi would be into that at all. “Then I guess there’s just kind of the normal stuff, but some of it won’t matter with you,” he shrugs.

“Why not?” Shiro asks, almost indignant. What wouldn’t matter with him?

Laughing a little, he can’t help it. “There’s some weird things guys do when they give blowjobs, and since you don’t feel comfortable doing that right now, or ever, it won’t be an issue for us, that’s all. And if I find out it’s something you like, then I’ll tell you what it is so you never try it on me if you feel up to trying.”

Cheeks red, Shiro nods a little. “Fair enough,” he admits, embarrassed. The idea of Curtis between his legs makes his face burn and he hates himself a little for being able to think like that after what they’d just talked about. But the whole point of this talk was to be comfortable doing things together.

“So, in the shower, you got really jumpy… and I get why, but is that an area you’d rather I didn’t touch?” Curtis pushes softly. “Usually I do a lot when I’m down there, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable….” he trails off, finally noticing how red Takashi is. “We can put this conversation off for later, if you need to,” he says. For all he thinks the other man just wants to get it over with all at once. Not that he blames him. None of this has been fun.

“I’m. I’m scared I’ll tear open,” Shiro admits, looking down and away. It might not be rational. It’s just how he feels. “I used to switch with Adam,” he admits, knowing Curt won’t mind him bringing up his ex. “We didn’t take turns necessarily we just… it just worked out however it worked out, I guess. I don’t know if we put any thought into it,” his eyes well with tears. “But I’m so scared if you… even a finger… I’m scared I’ll go back to that place and I’ll relive it all over again. Or… or that the scar tissue won’t hold,” his throat squeezes and he takes a drink of tea to hide that he can’t talk anymore.

“Okay,” Curtis says calmly. “Okay. Nothing inside, I can do that.” He raises an eyebrow slightly, testing the waters. “Or not do that, actually. I can not do that,” he teases weakly.

“You won’t hate me? For not being able to… ‘give back’ or keep it even?”

“You really have only dated one other guy, huh?” Curtis cups his cheek and smooths away a tear with his thumb. “Some guys only top, or only bottom or have very strict rules and preferences. All you’re asking me to do is not do something that might hurt you. I think I can manage that. That doesn’t upset me at all.” He knows it’s not exactly like Takashi can be part of a community or learn much about some of the culture out by the Garrison when he’s spent most of his time in space away from humans. But sometimes he forgets that the other man grew up with a family who did not accept him as he was. Not that it had been fun for Curtis to get caught ‘learning’ about the gay community. Or as his mother would call it ‘watching porn.’ Thankfully his education also came from other sources.

“I won’t put a hand on your neck. Or mess with your hands,” Takashi says seriously. Finishing his tea, he sets the mug down on the table. Leaning into Curtis’ chest, he heaves an exhausted sigh. “I feel disgusting,” he complains.

“Mm?”

“Tears and snot… I feel like I need to shower again.”

“Well it has been since yesterday,” Curt drawls slowly. “I usually feel like I have to shower at work, and most of what I do involves sitting down and not working up a sweat.”

“We could save time….” he tests the waters. He’s not sure he wants to do anything, but he wants to feel close to the other man.

“You looking for an encore of yesterday’s performance?” Curtis teases gently.

“I don’t know yet,” he admits. “But uh, if I was… I don’t think I’d want to see the exact same show over again.” He blushes and looks at Curtis.

“Well, if you decide you’re interested, I suppose something could be arranged. I have an in with the guy from yesterday, so I can at least ask.” He smooths Takashi’s hair back from his forehead gently. Then kisses him. “You don’t have to prove anything to me, just so we’re clear.”

“I know.” He glances at Curtis oddly and realizes it’s true. He doesn’t feel like he has to prove anything to the other man. There’s no record to break, no point to be made, no fight to win. Overcome by the idea he just sits there for a few seconds, stunned.

“Earth to Shirogane,” Curtis says after a bit, not sure something hasn’t broken in the other man. Not sure what to expect, the glowing smile he receives wasn’t even on the list.

“I don’t have to prove anything to you,” Takashi says, almost sounding excited. He kisses Curtis soundly before pulling away, practically giddy.

“No,” Curtis agrees, a bit bewildered, for all Takashi’s laugh is infectious. “No, you don’t,” he grins, for all he’s not sure what’s going on. “You okay in there?”

“Yeah,” he sobers up a little. For Curtis’ sake. Then grins again because he can’t help it. He’s never felt like this. “I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, anymore,” he says carefully, almost like if it’s said out loud it won’t be true anymore. Or maybe if by saying it, it becomes true. Either way it’s freeing.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks, feeling like he’s gotten whiplash from the change in mood. Not that he’s really complaining. Grief can come in waves. But it seems like something’s happening here, something good, at least.

“I’m sure,” Shiro grins, leaning in to kiss Curtis. “Let’s go get cleaned up? And go to bed?” he suggests. Considering the other man has work in the morning and he doesn’t.

Shaking his head, he lets Takashi pull him up. He helps the other man undress in the bathroom, heart squeezing as he sees all the scars all over again. He wonders if it’ll ever stop hurting. Not that Takashi isn’t still beautiful, the scars don’t detract from that. They just give him a tragic edge. Tracing one that curls around from the back, across his ribcage to finish near his navel, Curtis bites his lip when Takashi shudders. “Should I not do that?” he asks, he hadn’t thought about it if he’s being honest. He’d just wished his touch could erase some of the damage.

“It’s fine,” Shiro says, brow furrowed slightly. “It just felt odd,” he admits. There’s another one that wraps from his shoulder blade across the top of his shoulder to end just below his collar bone. He takes Curtis’ hand gently and leads it to that scar, watching as dark fingers move across the white and pink flesh. “Can I kiss your palms?” he asks softly, unsure.

“That’s fine,” Curt smiles. Kissing Takashi gently on the cheek. Cupping that same cheek, he leans in to keep kissing for a little, not at all surprised to feel Takashi step in and push their bodies together seamlessly.

He turns his head to deepen the kiss, wrapping his arm around Curtis’ shoulders. Surprised at the need he feels there, Curtis kisses back. Now that he feels he has more of an idea of where not to touch, he lets his hands wander some, pleased by his partner’s reaction. Gasping in some surprise when Takashi’s hand does some wandering of its own, it feels good.

“Is this okay?” Shiro asks, slightly concerned, he doesn’t know all the sounds Curtis makes, so he isn’t sure what’s good yet. He’ll learn. He’s eager to learn.

“Yeah, very okay,” Curtis promises. “I’ll tell you if I want you to stop.”

“So keep going until then?” Takashi tries to clarify.

Lightly nipping at the shorter man’s earlobe, he grins at the little choked sound he earns for his trouble. “You might not hear a stop from me tonight. Are you okay with that?”

“Very okay,” he agrees, feeling oddly comfortable that it’s okay if he says stop. Curtis will stop if he wants him to. When he feels the pads of Curtis’ fingers drag up the inside of his thigh he half moans half whines and turns red. When those fingers pause, he makes a frustrated sound, before wondering if things are okay, and pulling back to see a slight smirk on the other man’s face. “You ass,” Takashi does his best to try and glare.

“It’s fun to tease you,” Curtis shrugs, letting his fingertips wander higher without ever getting to the desired spot. Turning his hand so his palm drags over the top of Takashi’s thigh to settle at his hip, gripping gently.

Breathing hitching, he decides it’s about time to start returning the favor. He’s almost forgotten how this works. It’s been so long, and he and Curtis haven’t really done much of this. Some part of him wants to panic, because he doesn’t want to do the same things for Curtis that he did with Adam. Pulling back to breathe when Curtis runs kisses from under his jaw down to his collarbone, he finds it didn’t help the breathing much. Mostly because everything Curtis is doing is making him forget to breathe entirely. And he doesn’t want it to stop.

Pulling back for a few seconds to check in, Curtis watches Takashi for a few seconds, eyes searching. Also he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t enjoying the view. Stepping back in close, he kisses his lover gently, trying to slow them both down a little. There’s no sense in rushing the experience. Regardless of what happens, it’s their first time together. Pausing to just nuzzle Takashi and let him recover a little, “Should we take this to bed?” he asks gently. It might be more comfortable. Especially since he can feel the little shakes and tremors going through Shiro.

“We’d just have to shower, and then change the sheets before we could sleep after,” he says after a few seconds of trying to put his thoughts in order. “Do you want to stop?” he asks, almost confused.

Carefully catching Shiro by the chin he tips his head down. “Does it look like I want to stop?”

“You and I both know that -”

“I know. I know. But no, I don’t want to stop. I just want to make sure you’re comfortable.”

“I feel better in here,” Takashi admits. Less pressure to have ‘real’ sex if he’s not in a bed. And while Curtis had said he was more than comfortable with whatever, Shiro just isn’t sure he wants to be in that position just yet. “Or on the couch?” he offers, trying to compromise.

“In here is good,” Curtis smiles, leaning back in to kiss Takashi lazily. He’ll let the other man set the pace from here, ease them both back into it. Not too surprised that the intensity doesn’t pick back up instantly, he’s happy just to be with the other man.

A little hesitant, but almost relieved that things had calmed down, he feels more in control of himself and the situation. He has no idea if Curtis had felt so spun out, too, or not, but he’s glad that things feel more … natural now. Less blinded by lust. As things build back up, it feels less rushed and he feels more confident in what he’s doing. If the noises Curtis occasionally makes are any indication, he’s definitely doing better this time around.

Not too sure what’s happening at first, when Curtis slips down to kiss lower, and lower, he almost chokes when he catches on. Dropping a hand to tangle his fingers into his partner’s hair, he doesn’t need to guide the other man, but he needs something to hold onto. Pressing himself into the wall so he doesn’t collapse, he can’t stop the soft noises he’s making. Not that he feels like he has to. Every time a thought runs through his head something Curtis does chases it away. He can’t think, he can’t move, it feels so good.

Somewhat amused by Takashi’s occasional moan or whimper, and the rare ‘yes’ he has to work to keep his focus on what he’s doing. Otherwise he’d end up stopping to smile and shake his head. He’s glad that the other man isn’t trying to pull his hair or force him out of his rhythm. He thinks he’s figured out something that’s working well for both of them, if the shuddering breaths above him are any indication.

“Kiss me,” Takashi begs suddenly, not sure why he needs it so badly right now, but he does. When Curtis slides up his body to kiss him on the mouth, his whole body jerks, electrified. Shifting his arm around Curtis’ shoulders, half to hold himself up and half to keep the other man close, he tries to press all of the love and affection he’s feeling into those kisses.

Not too surprised to feel Takashi finish against him, he smiles against his lips as they kiss. Half tempted to see him about the dream he’d had earlier about this, he doesn’t. But he hopes he was right and the real thing was much more satisfying than the dream version. “Anything like what you imagined?” he asks, deciding that’s safe.

“Better,” Shiro admits, slipping his hand between them, now that he can reach. He doesn’t let up with the kissing, and he half wishes he had his other arm still. It would probably be useful right about now. But Curtis doesn’t seem to mind.

“Do that again,” Curtis asks breathlessly.

“This?”

“Yeah, that,” he gasps.

“I can do that,” Takashi grins, kissing under Curtis’ jaw. Completely pleased when Curtis shudders against him, finding his own release, Takashi nuzzles him gently. “Better than when you do it yourself?” he asks, curious.

Gently poking Takashi in the ribs, he grins. “Fishing for compliments already?” he kisses one scarred cheek. “For your information, yes, actually. Where did you learn that little trick?”

“I dunno, I think that’s uniquely mine,” he admits.

“Hm,” Curtis shrugs. “When we pull apart it’s going to feel awful,” he points out.

“Then we just don’t pull apart?” Takashi suggests, kissing Curtis again. Curtis laughs but lets his lover pepper his face in kisses before cupping his cheek to force him to kiss him properly. On the lips, not all over the face.

“It’s late, love,” Curtis sighs. They should get cleaned up and go to bed. “I’m going to sleep like a rock,” he grins.

“Preferably like a sun-warmed one, not a cold one. I hate when you stick your icy feet on my leg,” Takashi complains jokingly.

“Y’know, you’re guilty of doing the same,” Curtis points out.

“Sticking my own icy feet on my own legs? Yeah when I huddle up to keep from freezing to death after you steal all my body heat. Like a leech.”

“A leech huh? That’s what you’re going with?” he asks, pulling away to turn on the water. Checking the temperature straight from the faucet so he has an excuse to flick water at Shiro.

“Oh, cold,” he flinches. “Not fair.”

“What’re you gonna do about it?”

“This,” he says, stepping in and pushing their bodies together again before kissing Curtis.

“Gross,” he laughs, mock pulling away. “That is so much worse room temperature!“

Takashi laughs, nuzzling Curtis before leaning to see if the water had finally heated. Glad it’s no longer cold he backs into the shower and pulls Curtis in with him.

They clean up easily enough before dressing and drying themselves off and dropping into bed.

Takashi sleeps dreamlessly, curled into his lover’s chest.

#curtashi #curo #shurtis #vld shiro #takashi shirogane #vld #vld curtis #i found a reason #my fic #citrus #assault #torture #body horror #tw: implied torture #ptsd #depression #shirotember

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stressedspidergirlsfandomblog · 5 years

Text

Part 19?

((((just a heads up, this deals with a lot of unhappy things, from suicide to torture and assault. So if this is a chapter you want to skip, you might want to. It is unbeta’d. But I’m a slut for feedback so I didn’t want to sit on it for days on end without knowing what people think. I’ve been super blocked about writing it, and it finally just worked out, more or less. It’ll get edited, and posted on ao3 eventually. My beta and I aren’t that far along, I think I’ve posted all we have edited. I’ll have to double check. )))))

“We should talk before I lose my nerve,” Shiro mumbles after they’ve been sitting for a while.

“Is it really that bad?” Curtis asks, pulling back some to get a better look at Takashi’s face. “Between the two of us I think we’ve covered almost the entire gamut of human suffering.”

“I think it might be, I know someone always has it worse-”

“No, you saw people around you die, you lost….”

“It’s not the same thing, you can’t compare my childhood to yours, or the Galra Invasion to being held captive, you can’t just compare our pain like that,” Takashi points out.

“So would you stop doing it then?” Curtis asks.

“I wasn’t-”

Curtis raises an eyebrow.

“I will do my best to stop and correct myself when I start to do it.”

“When did you turn into a great sage?” he wrinkles his nose at his boyfriend.

“I’ve always been smart like this. You were too busy busting flight records in the Academy to much care about intellectual pursuits.”

“Hey!”

Reluctantly pulling back, Shiro looks around. “Can we get this over with?” he asks hesitantly.

“Yeah, of course,” Curtis says, face clouding. Clearly this is going to be awful for both of them. Reaching out to touch Takashi’s cheek, he lets his hand drop when Shiro pulls away a little.

He takes a minute to meet Takashi’s eyes, before nodding a little. “Let’s sit on the couch?” he suggests. Then when it’s over they can cuddle up and comfort each other a lot easier.

“I can do that,” Takashi agrees, practically vibrating out of his skin with nerves. He’d known his day was leading up to this, but it doesn’t make it any easier. “I… don’t... No matter what I do, if you interrupt me, or, or talk, or do anything to help, I won’t be able to get through this. I’ll start crying and I will never be able to actually tell you any of this.” He meets Curtis’ eyes, his own already welling with tears that he blinks away irritably.

Curtis nods, and leans back, crossing his legs and then crossing his arms across his chest. “Okay. No interrupts, and I’ll keep my hands to myself,” he says seriously. “But, if you can’t do it, just lean into me. And we’ll try again later. Okay? I won’t hold you until you ask.” Verbally or nonverbally.

Nodding, “I don’t know if I can make eye contact with you, while I do this,” Shiro whispers.

“Okay,” he looks up at Curtis briefly, seeking that love and reassurance he always sees when they make eye contact. “Don’t talk to me anymore,” he says with a shuddering breath. Grateful when Curtis just stays quiet. “I know, I know you know the Galra ran experiments on me,” his voice shakes and he takes a few breaths to calm himself. “And sometimes I don’t think it was malicious, just, curious. It was still awful,” he whispers in a smaller voice. “Like when they would test the mobility in my joints, see how far they could bend before they broke. I think hurting me was just a bonus for them on their journey to scientific inquiry.” He clenches his fist, and then slides a hand into his pocket where he keeps Allura’s gem. She’d want him to talk about this. She’d be proud he was working past it. Thinking about their silent nights on the bridge of the Castle, just watching stars, unable to speak about their nightmares, he takes another breath.