#monty python and the holy grail type shit

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Stand-up show I watched this week: Monty Python – Live at the Hollywood Bowl (1982)

It’s weird that I’d never seen this before, as I grew up with Flying Circus and the Monty Python movies. In 2015, I went to the cinema with my parents to see the Monty Python reunion live. When I was a teenager and went to England for two weeks, I saw Spamalot live and loved it. I think I tend to gloss over Flying Circus when remembering the British TV shows I watched over and over as a kid, but that was definitely in there, as were Holy Grail and Life of Brian and Now for Something Completely Different. My dad wouldn’t let me watch The Meaning of Life because it was too sexual, so I watched I on my own when I was 19 and was surprised that this got banned, given the other shit my dad let me watch. I’m pretty sure it was the Every Sperm is Sacred song that made me dad not let me see it as a young kid, which I guess is reasonable, or would be if there weren’t dick jokes in at least every couple of Flying Circus sketches as well.

I re-watched Flying Circus and the four movies in 2020, and it struck me that as a kid, I remembered and repeated and recited the best bits. I hadn’t realized before that there is quite a lot of filler in Flying Circus, definitely not every sketch was funny. And there was a fair bit of “funny for the time” humour. Not even because of the stuff being offensive (I mean, there was some of that, but let’s not get into that right now), but because it was a much simpler form of humour that’s been taking so much farther and in so many other directions since then. Stuff that was funny because it hadn’t been done before in the early seventies. There are a few Flying Circus sketches that I’m pretty sure would bomb my local open mic nights. But there are also a lot that were still absolutely hilarious today.

I tried, while I was watching their Hollywood Bowl recording for the first time, to imagine what it would be like if someone did one of those sketches at a new act competition somewhere in 2023. Would the judges instantly recognize it as the greatest work of genius in a generation and be shocked that some ordinary person could do something so funny? Or would it place, like, third? Or would it do badly – not because comedy has gotten better since then, but because the type of comedy that’s in fashion has changed, so it’s not unfunny but it’s just not what judges (or fans) look for these days.

Obviously this hypothetical scenario would have to exist in a world where Monty Python never happened (because otherwise all the judges would just say “You’ve plagiarized this”). But I don’t know if we can imagine how that would go, because if Monty Python never happened, maybe large parts of the comedy industry as a whole would have developed differently, and Python-esque stuff that seems overdone would actually seem fresh in that hypothetical 2023, because all those Python influencees wouldn’t have made that stuff over and over again in the intervening years. Or maybe that’s buying way too much into the Python mythos, the idea that no one on Earth except for these six absolute geniuses could possibly have ever worked out that men in frumpy dresses look funny (again, let’s not get into whether the Pepper Pots are misogynistic and/or transphobic right now).

Anyway, all that aside, whether they’re good because they influenced a generation or whether they could also objectively hold up today even without the mythos and nostalgia (personally, I think lots of what they’ve made holds up great… but definitely not every single sketch holds up), I do have nostalgia from growing up on Python and I enjoyed nostalgically reliving some of that. From childhood hours spent memorizing all the cheeses in the cheese shop so I could recite that whole sketch, to the time I took a philosophy course in university would sing the drunk Philosopher’s Song to myself and giggle during exams.

Incidentally, I recall thinking, when I was a kid, that the fact that they make lowbrow jokes about highbrow things like philosophy means they’re geniuses who are great intellectuals as well as comedians. Now, I see their sketches about philosophers the same way I see Bo Burnham’s poetry about William Shakespeare. It sounds like students learned some basic stuff in English class and then wrote a thing to make fun of it. The Pythons probably know exactly as much about ancient philosophers as I knew from that one university course I took that one time. But it’s still funny. Writing silly songs to puncture the importance of the highbrow stuff you’re taught in school is always funny.

During the Hollywood Bowl show, Graham Champman kept saying “skit”, which I found funny, because surely American audience members who have gone to a Monty Python show know what a sketch is. Or at least could work it out from context.

It’s especially funny because they picked that as the only British thing to translate into American for their audience, and that’s definitely not their most opaquely British thing. They did the Four Yorkshiremen sketch, which requires understanding of what regional accents means. When I was a kid, watching the Four Yorkshiremen sketch was actually the first time I learned about the concept of British regional accents. I remember watching it with my dad and he asked me if I noticed their voices were different, which of course I didn’t, because I didn’t learn to recognize Northern English accents until 2021. But my dad told me they were putting on accents from the North of England, and it’s funny because people from the North of England are more likely to be poor, so then when they grow up, they may talk about how poor they were, but exaggerate the extent of it. And from thence the humour arose.

(Let’s also not get into whether there’s something classist in a group of extremely successful people writing a sketch about how weird it is that all those Northerners reminisce about difficult childhoods, rather than reminiscing about growing up in private school and Oxbridge the way normal people do. But fun fact: The Four Yorkshireman sketch was inspired by a short story by Canadian writer Stephen Leacock. So I guess it isn’t entirely a British story that Americans cannot understand, because socioeconomic inequality exists everywhere, and exaggeration that escalates into absurdity is funny. Fun fact: My dad went to a school called Stephen Leacock Institute when he was a kid.)

It's also interesting to see Monty Python with a live audience, which I’d rarely seen before. A bit weird and at times annoying, the frequency with which they’d whoop and cheer. But I also find that interesting, just as a bit of history. Seeing how wild American crowds went for Monty Python in 1982. It’s interesting to see that Python was so big they transcended the rule that music fans want to hear the old stuff when they go to gigs, but comedy fans want to hear the new stuff. Monty Python wasn’t making new stuff at the time, but if they were, and had done it instead of their classics, I’m pretty sure this crowd would not have liked that. They were very happy to see the classics.

Oh! Here’s another thing I realized while watching it. I have seen that argument sketch so many times, it was one of my favourites when I was young. As kids, my brother and I used to recite it to each other. We’d get into real arguments that would devolve into quoting those characters. But in all that time, I never realized until today that the customer was right. This has nothing to do with comedy analysis or whatever, I’d just missed that part of the sketch before. I’d thought it was a story where a customer tries to get extra time for which he didn’t pay, when John Cleese says his time is up and he argues that it hasn’t been five minutes. But I realized on this watch that it hadn’t. I don’t think the whole sketch lasts five minutes, the argument certainly doesn’t. John Cleese is, in fact, scamming the customer by saying it’s been five minutes and he has to pay again.

So that's my main takeaway from that show. Americans in 1982 went really wild for Monty Python, and John Cleese was scamming the customer in the argument sketch. I've downloaded their 1998 live show too, I'll probably watch that soon and I'll let you all know if I learn anything else important.

[ooihcnoiwlerh]

Watching Glass Onion

My thoughts below as I watch (I was spoilered in advance and knew what would happen.  Still enjoyed it.)

-Lionel, the smartest of the Disruptors who stabbed Andi in the back, seems to think Miles is a genius when he’s clearly not from early on.  Also, Miles definitely faxes snippets he hears from other conversations and none of them are original.  Or they’re just weird brain farts that succeed only because Lionel’s able to make something salvageable out of them.

-I bet Kate Hudson had a lot of fun playing Birdie.  Her character/dynamic with Peg is like something straight out of BoJack Horseman.  (”No, they’re all in my pod, it’s fine.” and her being so deliberately obtuse/ignorant/immature.)

- Dave Bautista playing an Andrew Tate type is kind of funny in a meta sense because as far as I’ve seen, he (thankfully) doesn’t hold any of those views in real life and is just the opposite.

- Claire’s an ultimately unlikable/irredeemable character but I do like seeing Kathryn Hahn getting snarky.  Cute surprise Yo Yo Ma cameo.  I worked with a guy who cooked for him at a restaurant in DC who said that he’s really nice.

- Love the hard cut from the Disruptors getting really excited for “Miles’s” puzzles and working to solve them together to Helen looking at the puzzle, deciding “Nope.  This man and this puzzle are not worth my time and I’m not going to give him the satisfaction” and proceeding to smash the shit out of it with a hammer.

-I haven’t seen Knives Out yet (although I definitely will after this, and it had been on my list for a while) so Benoit Blanc’s accent is new and hilarious to me.  It’s the Southern equivalent to the French accents from Monty Python and the Holy Grail; ridiculous and over-the-top and funny.  More cameos

-”You’re not in the bath again, are you?” “....No.”

- The movie says so much with the different characters by how they approach wearing masks.  Blanc correctly wears a cloth mask that coordinates with his outfit.  Lionel the scientist wears a medical grade mask, also correctly.  Claire the politician wears a mask out of courtesy/image but not correctly.  Peg’s masked up and doesn’t want to hug anyone but also doesn’t say anything about how her boss Birdie is wearing a useless decorative mesh mask.  Duke and Whiskey don’t bother wearing masks at all and both they and Birdie refuse to respect social distancing.  “Andi” is holding a mask as she gets out of the cab, implying she wore it during the ride, but takes the mask off so that the other Disruptors can truly see her full image and whoever the potential murderer is doesn’t get any doubt as to who this is and, let’s be honest, other than perhaps Helen, Blanc, Peg, and Lionel, they don’t seem concerned with the pandemic.

- Either Miles Bron has and is hoarding some kind of covid cure that can be used as a throat spray or the more likely answer: it’s a placebo because he wants to get away with being careless during lockdown even more than he and the Disruptors already are and is just trying to appear like he cares about other people’s health.  It’s interesting that Blanc questions the spray and its effectiveness more than the literal scientist.  Also, another fun cameo.

-It’s subtle enough that it won’t be distracting for the audience but will amuse people who do notice that Blanc clearly doesn’t have a gag reflex, and in fairness it did make me chuckle.

- “Is that a Banksy?”  “Piece of shit.”

- That’s either not Paul McCartney’s guitar because it’s a right-handed guitar and Miles is lying about it to sound impressive or he had it re-stringed just so he could brag about owning the guitar on which Paul McCartney recorded Blackbird.  And then he unceremoniously drops it like it’s worthless after making a point to gloat about how priceless it is to Birdie.  Amazing character intro, I hate him already.

- Of course it’s the MRA meathead guy who looks the other way in regards to his girlfriend very obviously cheating on him with Miles/pimps her out to Miles so she can secure better job opportunities for him.

- Knowing the ending already I love how Ed Norton played Miles’s shock and horror and complete incomprehension at seeing “Andi.”  You see him having absolutely no idea how to process what’s going on and how despite the fact that he and Andi had known each other for ten years and he had to have known Andi had a twin sister, he clearly doesn’t think that could have anything to do with it and just thinks, “I guess I didn’t kill Andi hard enough and need to do it again?”  

- Janelle Monae looks so regal and beautiful in that dress with that “dressed to kill” poise Helen’s trying so hard to keep up despite how scared and uncomfortable she is.

-Peg and I have the same reaction to hearing Miles say “inbreathiate”

- Blanc being bewildered that everyone’s just leaving their luggage on the beach until he realizes the Disruptors just take it for granted that “the help” will do everything for them.  Not sure if that’s part of the act but still a nice touch.

- Miles Bron, barefoot, calling his fifty-person staff-estate a “commune for creativity” as a robot butler collects everyone’s luggage is probably a hard reality but it’s hilarious; also him giving people rooms “based on chakras” and Birdie being into that

-Am a little fascinated with Miles telling “Andi” that he’s glad she’s there and her reacting coldly.  Is he trying to act contrite for her “attempted” murder or trying to seem like he’s innocent and realizes that Andi isn’t falling for it?  Like, I want to know the conversation Ed Norton and Janelle Monae had before filming that interaction and ask what they felt their respective characters are thinking in that moment.

- I like how Benoit Blanc is a renowned detective but the moment he starts playing “dumb” and pretending to be naïve, Miles, who knows that Blanc’s a renowned detective, immediately falls for it.  

-For such a closely-knit friend-group, these people really don’t like each other.  The only Disruptors who seem like they’re still actually friends are Claire and Lionel.  

-HOLY SHITBALLS BLANC’S SWIM OUTFIT.  A FUCKING FULL-BODY STRIPED SWIMSUIT WITH AN ASCOT?  FUCKING FASHION ICON.  Oh, and him just standing chest-deep in the pool while holding a drink?  What an icon.  Love this guy.

-I can’t wait until Miles’s condescending speech gets used against him, especially since he throws Andi under the bus as he makes his redpill speech.  I will relish it.  

- Birdie, how many times do you need to get the hint that Blanc’s not interested and you’re making him uncomfortable?  (And he’s canonically gay but he doesn’t owe her that explanation.)

- Peg looks at “Andi” with open admiration/potentially lust and honestly, same.  Also enjoy Peg’s reaction shots.  She clearly loathes these people, including Birdie.  Really wish she’d cut her losses and quit.   

- Birdie, Blanc isn’t calling you dangerous.  He’s calling you shallow, insensitive, and careless.

- This movie, while it has some dark/dramatic moments, really is funny.  The asscheek statue, the hourly dong, Blanc panicking and throwing his cigar into the water.  

- The movie does say a lot without getting too much into it the contempt everyone has for anyone considered working class or “the help.”  Peg’s been Birdie’s loyal assistant for about a decade, has been to these get-togethers, and knows Miles and yet not only does she not even get to drink out of a glass (even if it’s not a personalized glass) he makes her drink out of a plastic cup like she’s at a frat party instead of a multi-billionaire’s estate, and has never bothered to learn her name.  And Birdie sees this, is aware of this, and doesn’t see the problem or treat Peg as a human being, either.  After a decade of putting out all of her many fires and baby-sitting her.  Lionel and Claire both have a brief blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment earlier in the movie in which they acknowledge/are nice to her but see how badly Birdie and Miles treat Peg and don’t challenge it.

-Maybe it’s because I watched Mrs. Fletcher, in which Kathryn Hahn’s character’s alcoholic beverage of choice is white wine with ice and maybe it’s because I wait on/bartend a fair amount of reasonably affluent/wealthy women who have specific instructions on how they like their white wine, but was a little amused at how Claire specifically likes “room temperature Pinot Grigio.”

- Just realized Miles probably poisoned “Andi’s” drink and it’s only because Helen is a teetotaler and also wants to keep a clear head for the evening that she survives.

-While Miles is not a mirror of every nepotism baby who has no true friends and no original ideas, it has to mean that he comes from money in that his mother took him the Louvre at the age of six when he’s an American?  I’m an American myself born in ‘93 and both of my parents worked full time but there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that they could’ve afforded a family vacation to any location in Europe let alone Paris. Miles was likely born in the late 60s, early 70s and still would’ve had to have to have been born to fairly well-off parents.  Two of my best friends who are former roommates and international military brats were both born in ‘69 lived, briefly in Europe, and never saw the Louvre.  Also the audacity to override the Louvre’s security measures so he “doesn’t have to look at the Mona Lisa behind glass.”

- Lionel and Claire are horrified by Klear but still sign off on it for money because they’re too deep in and they keep acting like they’re the voice of reason but they  still agreed to this and even though I know the ending I keeping hoping they’ll be better than their greed.

-I could feed off of Miles’s pouting resentment and sulking both times so far Blanc has “accidentally” insulted his intellect first by calling the first-scene puzzle  “a child’s game” and for solving Miles’s murder mystery within two minutes of hearing about it and with no clues whatsoever.  It’s especially funny since everyone’s praising Miles’s intellect when it’s made explicitly clear that he didn’t design the puzzle nor did he write out the murder mystery and yet still is so entitled he acts as though his intellect, which is nonexistent and he didn’t lend to either of these things, has been undermined.  And that Blanc, still playing the naïve and socially inept goof, is well aware of the fact that his comments and intellect bruise Miles’s narcissistic and yet fragile ego and is probably having a lot of fun doing it.

- Janelle Monae having a couple of moments where you hear a little bit of Helen’s natural Southern accent when she’s really upset as she’s masquerading as Andi is *chef’s kiss* and Andi probably also had a little bit of a hidden Southern accent that probably came out in small doses during emotional or vulnerable moments so it’s not surprising that it wouldn’t be a tell.

- “I want the truth!”

-Miles did in fact hand Duke the drink that killed him.  Also, a bit fitting that a man with a deathly food allergy to a common food item insists on keeping a gun on him even when swimming but never bothers to carry at least one epi pen.

-Miles literally murdered a man and is shocked that a detective thinks to call the cops this is incredible.

- I appreciate how, except for his girlfriend who didn’t even like him very much, all of Duke’s friends are more concerned for how it will look for their reputations to be associated with his death even as an innocent standby than the fact that he died.  And once again, the moment anything doesn’t go exactly his way, Miles panics and goes on impulse instead of thinking anything through and only kind of stumbles onto something afterwards.  Also, him scampering off the moment anyone other than Benoit approaches Duke’s corpse.  He’s so bad at hiding anything!  It’s incredible he gets away with so much

- I was prepared for this but it really is delightful that Blanc has a posh English husband played by Hugh Grant who spends quarantine making sourdough starter.  Also a cute little costuming detail that Blanc gets fully dressed, complete with a necktie to meet with Helen, but still wears a bathrobe over his clothes.

- Janelle Monae’s consistent, realistic Southern accent as Helen that does sound like it’s from one specific region from the South vs Daniel Craig’s hilarious, all-over-the-place Foghorn Leghorn Southern accent.  Let’s discuss.

- “Heavens.  The dog ate the caviar again.”

- Helen is so goddamn brave and I love her. 

- The fact that Miles is such an inept and clueless murderer who only gets by on privilege and luck that Blanc doesn’t suspect Miles as Andi’s killer because it would be too inept and dumb of a murder, though

- It does kind of make me wonder--did Lionel and Claire want to be a positive force in the world once?  Were they better people before easy money from Miles made them take ethical shortcuts or were they always weak and corruptible people who just wanted a meal ticket?  They’re clearly more conflicted about Miles’s actions than Duke and Birdie and feel more guilty about betraying Andi, but they still chose money and convenience over ethics.  I mean, that’s a big message of this movie; these morally questionable/bankrupt people at times wanted to do the right thing, but chose greed and corruption over their conscience.  But I guess I liked Leslie Odom  Jr’s and Kathryn Hahn’s performances so much that I was curious as to their approaches to the roles and how they took their respective characters’ corruption.

- Helen being  terrified because of the high risks as well as getting seasick as well as accidentally getting tipsy because she didn’t realize the kombucha she was drinking had alcohol in it and still managing to mostly confuse everyone is amazing and shows not just her intellect and quick thinking but the love and commitment she has for her twin no matter how uncomfortable the situation gets.  Blanc says himself that she has a natural talent for sleuthing.

- “That is hahd kamboocha!  That is Jared Letos’ hahd kamboocha!”

- Oh heavens, the foreshadowing.

- the detail that Serena Williams is one of the world’s greatest living athletes and Miles still hires her to do nothing except do personal training if someone is there did get a chuckle out of me

- “If I ever meet Jared Leto, I’m gonna whoop his kombucha-brewing ass”-Helen realizing she accidentally got tipsy off of his kombucha and also I would watch Helen beat the living shit out of Jared Leto

- I know the only redeemable characters in this movie, realistically, are Helen, Andi, and Blanc but I do feel bad for Peg.

-”Birdie...please tell me you did not think sweatshops are where they make...sweatpants.”  *Annoyed, unapologetic shrug.*  “Oh my Go-o-od.”

- Andi’s notebook indirectly saving Helen is apparently a parallel to Knives Out, in which a prop shows the heroine surviving killing odds because of someone who loved them.  Again, I need to watch Knives Out.

- “Miles Bron is an idiot.” “No one tried to kill you, you vainglorious buffoon.” 

- A bit depressing that Peg and Whiskey, who didn’t actively stab Andi in the back, are still imbued enough with the Disruptors that they also ignore any kind of conscience they have for greater opportunities, but not surprising.

- Miles looking at Helen, again, undoubtedly knowing that Andi had a twin sister, and clearly thinking, “What the fuck, is Andi a terminator?  How many times do I have to kill her??”

- Miles is so reckless, egotistical, and fucking dumb.  He specifically asked for people’s food allergies and killed Duke in front of their friends with  his own food allergy and only succeeded because Duke was too proud to carry a couple of epi pens in case of an emergency.  This is on top of the fact that he murdered his high-profile former friend and business partner all because he just assumed it would be covered up because he’s a multi-billionaire and he thinks everyone is as much of an idiot as he is.  “No!  It’s just dumb!” indeed.  It doesn’t even occur to him that it’s Helen who’s alive in front of him until Blanc spells it out and you can tell from his reactions.

- Speaking of which, Ed Norton eats in this movie.  He’s amazing as a sleazy, smug, greedy, narcissistic scumbag.  I love to hate him every moment he’s on screen and he’s always great as a villain but especially in this.

- “Heavens to...you dimwitted, brainless jackass!  Your one murder with any panache at all, and you stole the whole idea from me!”  

-  Miles doesn’t even get the idea to burn the napkin on his own.  Lionel, completely and justifiably mystified, goes, “You didn’t just...burn it?”

- Oh, but how cowardly the Disruptors are when they think Miles will win everything even though they know he’s a monster and are horrified by what he did.

-”Totally circumspective evidence”--Benoit rolling his eyes.  Same.  Also, apparently Miles Bron is not based on Elon Musk and their similarities are coincidental but Elon Musk stans saw this dumb fucking loser and went, “This talentless, unoriginal, evil person is definitely my precious boy” and that is amazing.

-Oh, but how incredible it is, that moment in Helen’s eyes that go from heartbreak and grief and anger, knowing she’ll never get proper justice for Andi to that moment of, “But fuck it.  Revenge is also a viable solution.”  I could live in it.  That switch in which she’s like, “He’ll never be held accountable for literal murder.  Time to burn it all down” and in fact does.  

-Also turns out I was wrong about the poisoned whiskey soda theory--she drinks it and then raises hell.  Miles is just so dumb, impulsive, and reckless I didn’t put it past him.

-I also like that Blanc realizes that proper legal justice is futile but also that Miles deserves every negative thing coming his way and knows when to let Helen take the reigns.

- “You would lie for a lie but you wouldn’t lie for the truth?”

- No, Whiskey.  You don’t get to try to kill Helen and screw her over and act like you’re friends and comrades.  Same goes for the rest of you shitheads.  And yet the fact that these people never truly liked Miles shines through makes them all feel empowered up to a certain point until they realize that their cowardice and greed and association with him will cost them personally and then they become cowards again.

- Self-fulfilling prophecy, Miles, you motherfucker.  Also the transition from him being completely unfazed (both by Helen breaking the ugly glass sculptures and the fact that everyone joins in at first and that none of his friends actually like him) to horror is deeply satisfying to watch. Everyone goes, “But you went too far” as if Miles didn’t literally murder Helen’s sister after stealing credit for her life’s work.  No, actually.  She’s the only real disruptor here

-She fucking blows up the Glass Onion!  (also Blanc just handing Klear to her like, “I won’t, but you should.”)

- Is Daryl meant to be a metaphor for Covid?  He enters the picture with a case of Coronas going, “I’m not here” and is there when Helen blows up the Glass Onion because no way is the throat coat actually going to protect any of these people from, Covid and chances are Birdie (and Peg, by association) Duke, Whiskey or Miles (or maybe Claire) infected everyone.

- His one-of-a-kind car that follows him everywhere is ruined too.  Good.

-I can’t tell you how hard I laughed when Miles realizes that he rented the Mona Lisa and it’s on fire so now he’ll forever be known as the man who destroyed one of Europe’s greatest paintings.  Also I know there’s discourse on whether or not it’s the actual Mona Lisa.  For the sake of this movie I’ll say it is; the Louvre was that impressed with Miles’s money and that the catharsis is that, in the Knives Out universe, that Miles ruined his own image by ruining the Mona Lisa.

-I know it’s a movie but Helen running on broken glass while wearing sandals freaked me out for a moment, even though it is pretty urgent.

“You’ll forever be remembered in the same breath as the Mona Lisa.”

- Oh wait Helen had to point out to him that he’ll forever be known as the guy who destroyed the Mona Lisa.  Amazing.

-This has been pointed out before but I did see what you did there: Cassandra predicted the fall of Troy despite no one believing her and Helen precipitated it.

- They’ll all burn him to save themselves now that he’s not their sugar daddy, which is obvious.  I’m kind of curious to see how they’d try to salvage their careers after this, but I’m pretty sure we won’t find out.  Benoit Blanc movies so far work like Mad Max movies, and he’ll be the ally/helper to another working class woman who exposes a corrupt and greedy wealthy group of people and any Helen/Marta fanfics will be strictly on AO3.  And here.  Also I’m here for it.

-Miles Bron you fucking idiot.  You piece of shit.  Hell’s bells you really actively planned to murder your former business partner/best friend as you sent her a puzzle invitation to celebrate a murder mystery-themed party.  I...incredible.  Not in a good way.  In a “bought the Mona Lisa on a whim and let it burn to the ground” kind of way.

- Okay, I know the look on Helen’s face is meant to be a million things, because it evokes the Mona Lisa but still.  As far as she knows, since she wasn’t there to hear that the Disruptors have agreed to burn Miles in court, she didn’t really get to clear her sister’s name and that’s probably the biggest source of pain for her.  That  said she did get to obstruct a deeply dangerous fuel source by the incompetent piece of shit that murdered her sister and ruin his public image.  It’s probably a mix of catharsis and a lack of it.  Either way, I enjoyed the movie and will watch it again as well as Knives Out.

#knives out #glass onion #janelle monae #daniel craig #benoit blanc #ed norton #kathryn hahn #leslie odom jr #dave bautista #rian johnson #glass onion spoilers

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 9/20/2022

it's been a minute since i gave a refresher on what the fuck these posts/this series is. not bc anyone was a dick lately, i just think it's good to insert handy entry points into a long-running series on occasion. i think this post where i read a whole bunch of pulp detective fiction is most representative of the series as a whole (and is one that came together in a very satisfying way/one of the entries i am happiest with)

what the fuck this is

this is an incentivized way to get me to listen to new music, read something, watch something, play something, and make something every week bc if i do a variety of enrichment i am noticeably better able to cope with uhhhhh Life. it's also a way to curb some of the perfectionism bc there is a hard fucking deadline every week.

what the fuck this is not

this is not a critical series, nor is this a recommendation series, although there are elements of critique and you may decide to consume some art based on my description of it. i cannot legally or physically stop you. this is more of a journal than anything else.

elements i have in the back of my mind when i draft these things on sunday afternoons include: what's the pitch for this thing/what is it? does it accomplish the artistic goal i think it's trying to make? a work can be beautiful, and i can recognize its value and be glad it exists in the world and also hate it, so do i personally like the way it does or does not accomplish its goals? how did i find out about this work? lastly is it sick as shit?

listening pretty boy by poutyface. i get kind of excited when i hear a song that objectifies a Type of Guy bc i feel like there's maaaaybe one of these for every hundred thousand that objectifies a Type of Girl. it's now on a playlist i call "SOMEBODY COME FUCK THIS (GAY)"

this is alt/indie, for the scene in a mid-aughts high school movie where the alt girl is falling in love with a skinny nerd and is driving around suburbia thinking about him. lyrics remind me a little bit of Doja Cat, and i was gratified to find an interview where she's cited as inspiration bc i like being right

To be honest, I've been gunning for the girls So if it's gonna be a boy, it's gonna be a boy who twirls All that "bro" - got me bored, yeah, I've seen it all before But, I've never seen a boy dressed up in pearls

the other thing stuck in my head is Guilty as Charged by Moderator. this whole album is super fun but my favorite track is this one, slinky and danceable. my weakness is a song that samples an unexpected source (here i thiiiiink Monty Python and the Holy Grail?). here this review says it better than i can:

...eclectic taste in sounds and influences and thirdly his firm belief that using breakbeats and a dusty jazz sample doesn’t automatically require you to turn in a 70 bpm stoner groove....Wish I Was Dead picks up the pace pitting fat mid tempo drums against Cab Calloway-ish jazz samples before Guilty As Charged drops a huge Wiseguys-style Latin-influenced breakbeat bounce.

both these are off the spotify For You playlist, bc i did a lot of driving for work last week and didn't really have time to make a custom playlist.

-

reading continually fascinated by things pushing the limits of 1) electronics miniaturization and 2) crime. it's extremely unlikely you'll run into one of these puppies in real life but they are fun to think about in a semi-horrified fashion

this is half the height of a united states dime, btw. if you even care. BOY do i love a gadget.

-

watching i watched the s/andman. i have a lot of thoughts about the s/andman. this is more me working through a lot of thoughts and feelings than actual thoughts about the show.

i don't have a lot of close friends who are straight dudes. i don't have a lot of close friends who started out as straight dudes either. the one straight dude i was actually close friends with in 2011 in high school introduced me to the works of neilman and started by gently bullying me into reading these. i had an exceptionally bad time in high school, through no fault of this man. we also don't talk much in the current day, again through no fault of this man.

my thoughts and feelings about s/andman the product are therefore wrapped up in who i was and things that were happening in my life when i read the comics. the first time i read them, it was through trial and duress and many interlibrary loans in 2011. i made my dad buy me the first two giant omnibi editions over two christmases and lugged them around throughout college when i was moving twice a year and living out of suitcases. not my photo

reading these comics, with their nineties #representation, felt very revolutionary and daring in the republican suburbs of central jersey. they definitely started me on the way to unlearning a whole bunch of shit. however, i do wish neilman had continued being at the forefront of more and more interesting and daring #representation. i think you can enjoy all the shows based on his work, acknowledge their source material was written decades ago, and be lightly annoyed with him (an extremely active and involved producer by all accounts) for not adapting them in a bolder way to these modern times.

a different but related thing: i really love the concepts of neilman's books but rarely their execution, even though i think he's a perfectly fine prose writer. i enjoy heavily referential and allusive works bc i feel really smart when i catch a reference. i like feeling smart and well-read, even though i personally find most of the references in the comics to be name-drops rather than like, putting the name-dropped thing in a very different context and imagining it in a different context to give it new meaning. to be fair this is a very difficult literary device for me, an amateur, to execute. idk

the actual show: the s/andman is excellently made, very competent television that knew when to deploy its cliffhangers. this feels like a backhanded compliment but i don't know how to phrase it different. i think neilman is a far better television writer than a prose one. i enjoyed watching it! it was fun to watch! the performances really carried a lot of lines that are very silly in print! i'm not going to remember very much of it by next week. i am particularly irritated by the current-day meta around the show (specifically the co/rinthian, bc i think ppl are reading in a lot of things that simply aren't fucking there), but at the same time i do not care enough to go looking for more meta. these transitions did whip tho

my thoughts and feelings about neilman's specific body of work in this one setting: a land of contrasts

-

playing fallow week

-

making nothing more than wiping down new acquisitions (some board games, a mirror). wrote a bit about my concept of literary/film/artistic criticism while trying to work through my thoughts about the watching section. this post would have been fucking unreadable if i had all that in this one post and both of them individually are really stretching the limits of attention here on this webbed site.

ppl have also been asking for the masterlist of cowboy movies i enjoyed so here's that again. the notes are crucial to your understanding of my thought process

#tuesday again #tuesday again no problem

[mossy-green-aka-ferrythem]

Just watched Monty Python and The Holy Grail. One of if not the funniest fucking movie I have ever watched, holy shit. It pulls off such a certain type of humor that just works perfectly. Even the self-awareness works somehow!

#monty pyton and the holy grail #monty python

[itsthatoneguy]

ThatOneGuy intro thingie

ummm so just an extended bio and stuff :3

DNI/Block list

Proshippers

nsfw/18+ accounts/literal random adults

homophobes/transphobes (you will be mocked aggressively if you are one on my profile)

Over the top gatekeepers (stay away dawgs, if I don’t know a characters blood type I can like them)

self harm/suicide jokes, just no. Just don’t.

thin ice list

Sexual jokes at me, you can make some silly sexual joke but please not at me personally 👍

Dm spammers (I gots swim team ion gonna be open all day :3)

“Konig is so baby” or ppl who make konig “kawaii”.

whatever image below is

hellow and welcome

I am npc, Randy, local, whatever you want to call me

current fandoms I like/am in

Rdr2

regretevator roblox

phighting!

destiny 2 (kinda just giving fandom a thumbs up)

warrior cats-ish

roblox myths :333 (love y’all)

Oc lore links

Jerry

NPC

august

randy

zealie

texer

paleo

spanner-19

gary

Molly fisher

john fisher

mason smith

[to be added ;-;]

bio n stuff

He/him :33

i gots five cats (crazy cat man)

I do swim team :)

silly people are fully welcome here

I do traditional art occasionally

homeschooled, so I might not get stuff or know all common history ;-;

overthink shit, not in the anxiety way, in the matpat way.

favorite movies: Monty Python and the holy grail & starving games

professional knight/cowboy lover

professionally autistic /j

#👍

[madame-truffulatree]

no more newspapers or news channels, just bards going town to town singing tales of joe biden’s infrastructure plans and the growing climate crisis

#bards #bard songs #monty python and the holy grail type shit #news #newspaper #news channel #maybe there can be indie news bards too #definitely wouldn’t backfire or anything #oh god imagine the buzzfeed bard #nevermind that’s too disturbing to imagine forget you ever saw this post #bard

[actualbird]

nobody (okay, well, 2 people DID ask, but it’s too late to change the title of this essay series now) asked but here are three main humor techniques i apply a lot in my fanfiction | a 2k word long post where i talk humor theory at you for entirely too long

I love humor. A good 75% of my personality is based primarily on whether or not it would be funny and thus, the study and application of comedy is something of a very big huge large interest of mine. I love watching standup comedy, I love telling jokes, but most of all, I love literature that makes me laugh. 

I write humor, and I put a lot of thought into it, and here, I will do the least funny thing ever: I will over-explain my jokes.

Before we do that, we must set some ground rules first. What is humor? Well, in Humor: Its Origin and Development, Paul McGhee contends that no single theory could encapsulate the entirety of humor. Additionally, according to McGhee, humor does not physically exist. It is, instead, a perception brought about by certain scenarios with certain characteristics. What we can take away from here is that first, humor is vast, and there are many ways to both explain it and achieve it, and second, that humor is something caused by certain other things. 

I do not claim to be an expert in humor, just an enthusiast, so what I will not be giving a cheat code to humorous writing. I will, instead, share three techniques that I frequently use and explain how they work.

The three techniques are the following:

INCONGRUENCY: Things that don’t fit.

SLAPSTICK: I hope that doesn’t happen to me.

CHEKOV’S GAG: If the gun is there, it better be funny.

My examples for each of these techniques will come from various sources of media. My examples of my own writing will all be coming from the most recent fanfic I have written, my Polygon Cyberpunk Red high school au “teenagers scare the living shit out of me.” Examples will sometimes have overlap in the technique they utilize, but I’ll try my best to keep everything clear on what exactly I’m trying to explain.

Without further ado, let’s jump right into it!

INCONGRUENCY: Things that don’t fit.

Göran Nerhardt, in McGhee’s book, states that “Humor is seen as a consequence of the discrepancy between two mental representations, one of which is an expectation and the other is some idea or percept.” Nerhardt’s definition of humor is one that relies on incongruity: wherein there is an element that is not in accordance with the other elements. An incongruous element is one that is not the expectation, and in this subversion of expectation, humor is achieved. 

In simpler terms, a congruent situation would be “A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.” An incongruent situation would “A man walks into a bar. ‘Ow!’ He says.” 

In the first example, everything is as expected, and in the second, the word “bar” has the characteristic of being a homophone, a word with different definitions. The second example takes advantage of the other definition of the word “bar”, that is to say a metal tube object, and thus the reaction of the man. 

Incongruency plays on the unexpected, the out of place, and the odd. This technique in particular I learned from writers like Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett. They use incongruence, they use it A LOT but what I want to talk about is, first, its use as a descriptor. 

“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.” -Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“In a distant forest a wolf howled, felt embarrassed when no one joined in, and stopped.” -Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic

Description is a fertile ground for humor. You have a thing, there are expectations to how that thing will appear or act, and then you describe it in a way that’s unexpected. I pull this trick off in so many fics, but here is an example from chapter 4 of the high school au.

Mr. Hypo sits at the desk in front of the classroom, staring all three of them down. Vang0, Dasha, and Burger are seated in the stupid circle again, looking at Robbie as it powers up like a man with gout.

Incongruency here is Robbie, the animatronic. Expectation is that it will be described in a robot like manner. Reality is that I describe it having the same condition that occasionally ails my nearly 50 year old father. 

Aside from description, incongruence is also something I play around with in the events of situations themselves. The most clear example I can give is this scene, from chapter 6, is this:

Burger picks up the closest thing.

That thing happens to be Peter.

“Peter!” Burger looks at Peter in the eye as Edmundton picks up a chair and starts menacingly walking towards Burger. He says, very quickly “Do you consent to be used as a self defense projectile!?”

Peter, pigeonly, nods.

“Thank youuuuuuuu!” Burger yells as he throws Peter at Edmundton’s face.

The context of this scene is that Burger has just entered active combat. Combat is serious. Combat is deadly. Combat is hitting and getting hurt. So what’s something unexpected you can do in this situation to make it funny? Have Burger ask a pigeon if it’s alright with being thrown at an enemy, and then make Burger actually throw the pigeon at the enemy. 

Incongruence is something that is present in a lot of humor situations and it’s very, very fun to play around with. Messing around with incongruence makes you think about what is expected in writing and forces you to think outside of the box in a manner that will elicit laughter.

Let’s move on to our next topic now!

SLAPSTICK: I hope that doesn’t happen to me.

Kevin Casper in his article I’m so glad you’re fake! describes slapstick comedy as a physical type of humor wherein actions are done in an excessive, ridiculous, and sometimes violent manner. Slapstick is Mr. Bean exploding a can of paint to paint his apartment. Slapstick is Courage the Cowardly Dog’s eyes popping out of his sockets when he sees something scary. Slapstick is the ending of Polygon’s video on Slapstick and Doom Eternal (a very good video about slapstick and horror violence) where Pat Gill gets hit in the face with a tube of paper. 

The excessiveness of slapstick creates a non-reality for viewers to enjoy in safety. It is a type of humor that revels in the suspension of reality, but more than that, it is a type of humor that you particularly gain enjoyment from because of the fact that it’s not happening to YOU.

Now, I use slapstick comedy sometimes, but I deviate from excessiveness and instead lean more into that last thing I said. I write situations that are funny and that you also don’t want to ever happen to you as a person. One example of “fuck, that’s hilarious, but I hope it never happens to me” is the following scene from Spiderman: Into The Spider Verse, where Miles Morales, invisible, has to find information on Doctor Octavia’s computer. When he accesses the computer, he is met with this.

You don’t want this to happen to you. But damn is it hilarious that it’s happening to somebody else.

When I am creating scenes that I want to be funny, I think about whether or not it would be funnier if I made it excruciating for the characters involved. So excruciating that you really, really, wouldn’t want to be in that situation. An example of this technique in play is from chapter 4 of the high school au, where the gang are in a room they shouldn’t be in, somebody is about to come in and stop them, and they are all at the mercy of a program slowly, slowly uploading.

 “Hey!” The somebody outside says, jangling the doorknob more violently. “Club time is over, nobody should be in this room!”

“Vang0, how long until the program is done?” Dasha hisses.

“43% Uploaded,” Vang0 says, panicked.

“Hurry.”

“I can’t make technology be faster.”

“Who’s in there!” The person outside yells.

“Should I answer?” Burger asks.

“Do not answer.” Dasha says.

Burger nods. “I’m gonna answer.”

“BURGER—”

“WE’RE JUST A COUPLE OF NOT FRIENDS. JUST LOOKING AROUND.”

“Who are you!” The person outside yells.

“Do not answer, Burger,” Dasha says, sounding like this conversation is actively shaving years off of her lifespan.

“But he’s asking,” Burger looks at Dasha then at the door then at Dasha again, looking very nervous.

“Just lie then,” Dasha tells Burger.

“Gotcha,” Burger nods, determined, and turns to the door to yell. “I’M NOT BURGER CHAINZ.”

“Oh my god,” Dasha thunks her head onto Vang0’s shoulder. “Is it done loading, yet?”

“98% Uploaded,” Vang0 says, feeling his blood pressure in a way he’s never felt before.

I make this situation worse for the characters by making Burger completely fail at being stealthy. As one reader told me about this chapter “I love Burger, but if I were in that room, I would strangle him.” Exactly! It’s not a situation you’d ever want to be in! 

But the characters are in it and you get to enjoy their suffering from a safe vantage point as a reader. 

Slapstick comedy is all about making situations outrageous and ridiculous and something readers wouldn’t want to legitimately experience. It’s about tapping into your audience’s mind and wondering what they want to see but not want to go through.

And last but not least!

CHEKOV’S GAG: If the gun is there, it better be funny

The principle of Chekov’s Gun is a principle that emphasizes that objects in a story should have a use. According to Bill in Chekhov: The Silent Voice of Freedom, Chekov says “If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there.” 

Chekov’s Gag is that same rule, but instead of the gun going off, the gun better be fucking hilarious at some point. 

The first example I can think of is from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. In the beginning of the movie, King Arthur stops by a castle and asks the guards to tell their master that he is here. This exchange happens:

Now, this, on its own, is already hilarious. It plays on incongruence (guards being very enthusiastic about bird’s holding coconuts and the logistics of that), slapstick (if you were Arthur and you wanted to have a simple conversation, people suddenly talking about birds and ignoring you is not a situation you want to be in), but what about Chekov’s Gag?

To become Chekov’s Gag, this situation must be brought up again in a funny manner later in the movie.

And so it does.

An hour later in the movie, The Knights of Camelot are at the Bridge of Death. There, they have to answer 3 questions correctly. If they do not have an answer, they are shot into a deadly cavern of doom.

King Arthur steps up to answer his 3 questions. Here is what happens:

The African swallow or the European swallow has achieved Chekov’s Gag-age.

Chekov’s Gag is something I’ve only started doing recently, in fanfiction. An example of this in the high school au is that, in the first chapter, I introduce two things. 1) Peter, an overfed pigeon, and 2) Robbie the RoboDog, an animatronic of the school.

Throughout the fic, I don’t forget about Peter or Robbie. I bring them up again and again and I make sure to make their presence not just integral to the winning of the final boss battle in chapter 6, but I make their presence funny.

Chekov’s Gag is a new trick I’ve started doing, and it definitely requires foresight and planning. It makes you think long term but at the same time forces you to think about the things you already have present in your story and make you re-evaluate just how else they could be used. If done correctly, the effect is hilarity, but also deep, deep satisfaction.

So there we have it! Three humor techniques that I use in my fanfiction. Shit that doesn’t make sense, shit you don’t want happening to you, and shit that you saw a while ago which you’ll see again later and when you do, it’ll be awesome.

Thanks for reading! 

#nobody asked but #long post

[melancholythrill]

Hey Thrill, I'm kinda sad. Can you give me some headcanon that the band does to cheer the others members up when they are sad? -🐑

Hey sheepie! I’d love to!

Murdoc

- When 2D is sad, muds just holds him. No insults, no making fun or arguing, just some lo-fi music and closeness. He stays there until 2D drifts off to sleep and makes sure he’s tucked in nicely before he leaves.

- When Russel is sad, he gifts him some cigars and a nice whiskey. Along with that, he gives him as much space as possible.

-When Noodle is sad, he puts on a funny movie they’ve enjoyed together since she was a kid. Something like Monty Python: Holy Grail. The familiarity and nostalgia cheers her right up. They spend the whole movie reciting quotes and laughing.

2D

- When Murdoc is sad, he just sits next to/near him. His presence is all Murdoc needs to know that he’s okay and that he’s safe. Murdoc isn’t the type to want to hear solutions for his sadness, he just needs someone to be there for him.

- When Russ is sad, he brings in some vinyl and his record player and listens to music with him. Mostly 80’s/90’s rap and hip hop. Russ loves to talk about the old days in Brooklyn listening to the greats. 2D is really good at just listening.

- When Noodle is sad, he likes to ride around blaring music with her. They stop and get ice cream, go shopping, see a movie, etc. Just spending the day together like the big bro and lil sis they are.

Russel

- When Murdoc is sad, he does the same thing muds does. Gifts! Cigars and whiskey. It’s sort of a cheering up tradition of theirs.

- Look, we all know Russ is a great cook, so whenever 2D and Noodle are sad he cooks their favorite comfort foods. For 2D, it’s his childhood favorite of Cornish Pasty’s. For Noodle, it’s grilled cheese with tomato soup. He’s been making it for her since she was a kid. She sits at the kitchen counter wrapped up in a blanket while he makes it.

Noodle

- When Murdoc is sad, they drink. She pours them both a glass of nice bourbon and when/if he feels ready to, they talk. They talk about the old days and funny things she did when she was a kid.

- When 2D is sad, she plays video games with him. They sit on the couch for hours playing Mortal Kombat together, shit talking and all. She even lets him win some rounds

- When Russel is sad, they jam. 2D and Murdoc tend to argue about music when they’re playing so when it’s just Russ and Noodle, it’s relaxing. She lets him play whatever he wants.

#i put a lot of effort into this #asks #gorillaz headcanon #gorillaz #murdoc niccals #2d #2d gorillaz #stuart pot #noodle #russel hobbs #noodle gorillaz #murdoc

[fruitbur]

(bursts into inbox) thAT ASK MEME WITH ALL THE OCS U TAGGED (or just pick and choose but i genuinely would love to know all of them if u want afhdsgjsdhdjd) - darkwarfy

i'm going to start with the easy ones and end with the ones i haven't even talked about to you.

Red-

Full Name: Aaron Cupid Williams

Gender and Sexauilty: Male (trans) and Demisexual

Pronouns: He/Him

Ethnicity/Species: Tribrid of Fae, WARLOCK, and Demon.

Birthplace and Birthdate: His birthplace is unknown to HIM so therefore it won't be stated. he was born on Halloween but the year is also unknown.

Guilty Pleasures: Dancing and Singing. his mother never allowed him to do anything fun when he lived with her (besides reading) so he hides that side of him.

Phobias: Spiders, water, and the dark.

What They Would Be Famous For: besides being the only one of his kind? his singing, there is just something about it.. i wonder what?

What They Would They Be Arrested For: destroying prisons and freeing wrongly captured supernaturals.

OC You Ship Them With: No one, Red is too young to date throughout most of the stories he is in.

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Iris (his mom) or Icarus

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Favorite movie would be Shark Boy and Lava Girl, he loves kids movies. Book genre is sci-fi or adventure stories.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: For movies it has to Coraline and book cliche is the hero or hero's lover/bestfriend dying for the greater good.

Talents and/or Powers: Talents would be as i said before his dancing and singing. his powers? jesus Red has a LOT. He can do basic magic, he can light himself on fire in a blue magic flame before it spreads around himself. telepathy, teleportation, and "invisibility" (that's more lore stuff) not really a power but he can control his appearance (his was born with baby blue skin and light purple hair but his mother taught him to hide that side to blend in with humans) he has a ribbon spell that he can call them to wrap his wrists and his controls them (i.e pulling and wrapping up his targets) he has another spell that does the same thing called flower power (this with rose vines) that he uses to hurt someone if need be. okay this is getting too long but he has more.

Why Someone Might Love Them: He is such a sweet kid and lights up the rooms he is in. you can't help but love him.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: Red can be a little troublemaker and cause chaos for fun. which gets annoying when shit goes down.

How They Change: Red always thought he was just a weapon, a tool for a war that was never coming. as he grows up and lives on his own with Angel, he changes to be someone full of love for not just others, but himself.

Why You Love Them: Red was my first ever OC. He has been through so much changes and growth and i think i finally love him as he is now.

Angel - (i'm gonna shorten the questions so this doesn't get too long)

Full Name: Nope- that's lore and i wanna tell you that Later.

Gender: Female (Trans), Lesbian.

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: loosely based on the mayans, a necromancer, and a clockwork angel necklace.

Birthplace: Her village in that universe's Tulum. Birthdate... she's existed for over 2000 years, who knows how old she is truly.

Guilty Pleasures: Gardening and painiting.

Phobias: the water. just- the water.

Famous For: bringing the dead back to life with ease.

Arrested For: Killing witches who mess with Red.

OC Shipped: I ship her with Niko, two crazy girls who just want bodies.

OC Murder: Iris again, or Lexi (not doing her, she isn't too important rn)

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: she doesn't watch movies that often because she is ya know.. trapped. but when Red can watch something other than kids movies, Angel finds herself loving romance movies, hasn't picked a favorite yet. Books though? cook books! she enjoys learning about food even though she can't eat.

Least Favorite: Horror, just like Red. or anything with water. nothing against mermaids or wildlife, but she's seen enough of the sea for 10 lifetimes at least. Cliche would be evil necromancers, screw that.

Talents: Her painting are to die for. powers??? now this is going to be fun. Angel can bring back the dead, use her magic to move things and grab people. over the course of her time trapped, she has learned how to possess whomever wears her, which leads to some fun beat downs with both Red and Angel working as a single unit. oh did i mention Angel really loves to mess around with blood magic? she was the only one who was able to master it before the witches attacked.

Love Them: Someone would love her becauss how passionate and nurturing she is. also because she enjoys cracking jokes in the safety of the clockwork during the WORST of times.

Hate Them: the witches hated her for her powers and that she was "sick" in the head for enjoying blood magic.

How They Change: Angel had to learn to live as a soul for so long, slowly forgetting what it means to be a living person, that has to be bad for her mental health.

Love Them 2: Angel has become one of my favorites because of how much i've put thought into who she is.

Niko -

Name: she still hasn't came up with a last name, might just take Angel's :)

Gender and Sexuality: Nonbinary and pansexul

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: Biracial, Japanse and Guyanese, a life sized Drawing Mannequin.

Birthplace: a black market factory that makes life sized objects to be used by witches. Birthdate, before 2016, at least.

Guilty Pleasures: ripping the skin off of witches for shit and giggles. oh and grooming dogs!

Phobias: none, nothing phases her.

Famous for: her spine chilling laugh.

Arrested for: all the murders she's done, that is, if she was ever caught.

OC Shipped: Angel of course.

OC Murder: any and all witches, Lexi, Syd.

Favorite Movie/Book: nope and nope! too busy living in the moment to sit down in one place, besides not have real hands. so the next question is useless.

Talents: is flawlessly ripping skin off of a living person a talent? Niko would say so. besides just living, Niko can change her shape into any type of doll/mannequin drawing or otherwise to hide in stores.

Love Them: she is a funny gal! creepy as shit but loyal once you've gained her trust.

Hate Them: "she. skins. people." -Syd at least 20 times.

How They Change: goes from a manic doll to a somewhat a stable person with the power of lOvE.

Love Them 2: She is perfect for Angel and that's enough for me.

Trinity -

Name: Trinity Wither Lakes

Gender: Female, Bisexual.

Pronouns: she/her.

Eithnicity/Species: Biracial, Polynesian, and African American. Werewolf and Siren.

Birthplace: Kaneohe, Hawaii. 3/17/1999.

Guilty Pleasures: Running in the woods in the middle of the night.

Phobias: being half wolf, she fears anything with silver, oh and blood.

Famous for: her speed.

Arrested for: graffiti and other forms of vandalism.

OC Shipped: Abigail. (not doing her either, sorry!)

OC Murder: Lexi, Raph, her grandparents.

Favorite Movie: Twilight and The Twilight Saga. she loves quoting the movies and books to piss everyone off, making it her favorites. Cliche would enimes to lovers.

Least Favorite: The Princess Bride, she just doesn't Get It. Cliche would be anything with angry werewolves or evil sirens. "we aren't your tropes, humans" -Trinity everytime she reads or watches something with a sexy but evil siren.

Talents: all the perks of being wolf and siren, nothing to add really.

Love Them: she is headstrong and makes for a good leader for a rebellion.

Hate Them: too loud, doesn't back down from a fight. will not shut up if someone is wronging her in public.

Change: she goes from the sheltered girl from her family's home in California to the loud rebel in Texas.

Love Them 2: Trin is like me, i don't know when to quit. if someone wrongs me i will scream it from the roof tops before i let them get away with it.

Syd -

Name: Syd Brimstone Lockwood

Gender: Female, Bisexual.

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: Caucasian, human.

Birthplace: Boston, Massachuestts. 4/20/1999

Guilty Pleasures: shitty reality tv, she lives for the drama. also magic, she has always been skeptical of the existence of magic so she spends much of her time researching and tracking down sightings of magic usage.

Phobias: None that i can think of.

Famous for: her deadpan delivery and humor/her resting bitch face.

Arrested for: stalking "known" supernaturals.

OC Shipped: Ainsel.

OC Murder: anyone who she follows would kill her, mainly Lexi or Raph though.

Favorite Movie: IT (2017) or a Purge movie. favorite cliche would be any boring, human trope. so like a coffee shop au.

Least Favorite: Harry Potter (okay she really enjoys the third one but she'd never admit it), cliche, would be magic. (she doesn't hate it, just that she doesn't believe.)

Talents: breaking and entering. "that's a fucking talent and you know it, Ains! i've never been caught in my life." -Syd. she is human so no powers.

Love Them: over protective of the ones she loves. would fight anyone to save Ainsel and she'd win.

Hate Them: her skepticism makes it hard for her to make friends and tears groups apart.

Change: after she meets a certain someone, she finally lets go of her overbearing skepticism and borderline hatred.

Love Them 2: i just love her character.

Ainsel -

Name: Ainsel Raven James

Gender: Female (Trans), Asexaul.

Pronouns: she/her.

Ethnicity/Species: African American (she has albinism), human.

Birthplace: Middletown, New York. 5/18/2002.

Guilty Pleasures: painting on herself, walking in the rain with no umbrella.

Phobias: fire. "You can't control it Sy-Sy!!! what if you drop that match huh?! we could go up in flames! i don't want to burn away!"

Famous For: her looks, or her happy go lucky nature.

Arrested For: Jay walking to get away from a monster or someone chasing her and Syd.

OC Shipped: Syd.

OC Murder: Lexi or Raph.

Favorite Movie: Tangled. Cliche, a happy ending.

Least Favorite: Monty Python and The Holy Grail. Cliche, a dog dying.

Talents: Her impeccable timing, always seeming to get Syd out of trouble before she is caught. "Nuh uh! none of that miss "breaking and entering!"" -Ainsel. Again a human so no powers.

Love Them: her optimism and acceptance of magic and the supernatural. how she loves everyone so fiercely and stands for what is right.

Hate Them: how happy and full of light she seems to be.

Change: She starts to stick up for herself more and learns how to fight back.

Love Them 2: i love how happy she is, i want to be that comfortable in my own skin like her.

Sebastain -

Name: Sebastain A. Montague

Gender: Male, Aromantic, Asexaul.

Pronouns: he/him.

Ethnicity/Species: Caucasian, Vampire and Sorcerer.

Birthplace: Venice, Italy. 7/25/1462

Guilty Pleasures: Ballroom Dancing. Drinking straight from the pulse.

Phobias: the sun, even if he can walk in the daylight.

Famous For: his charm and "naturally" good looks.

Arrested For: a string of murders in the east coast of the US.

OC shipped: no one, the only thing close to a relationship he has is his friendship with Red long into the future.

OC Murder: Syd tries, but she finds it's hard to kill something already dead.

Favorite Movie: he has lived for so long, he finds his memories are better than what you'll find in those picture shows. he does enjoy reading poems by Edgar Allan Poe or any of Dickinson's works. (skipping the next question)

Talents: Dancing and cooking. Powers, compulsion (vampire mind control), and the basic skillsets a sorcerer has.

Love Them: his charm, though their love is misplaced, is appreciated.

Hate Them: he is a world class bastard who knows how to use his charms to get what he wants, you.

Change: He learns to be nicer to people and not view them as just a food source.

Love Them 2: he is one cocky bastard but i wouldn't trade him for any other bitch out there.

Irri -

Name: Iradeseca the Faithful

Gender: Genderfluid, pansexual. (in a poly relationship).

Pronouns: any, but mainly goes by she/her.

Ethnicity/Species: she's.. she's an alien boss. (oqjsgsyisha) anyways she is from a race called The Marked Ones. i'll tell you all about them soon. Irri is of the Shifter classification, and is the last pure blood shifter left.

Birthplace: their (the girlfriends/partners) home planet, in the palace of the shifters. (no date because lore reasons, this will be the same for her girlfriends.)

Guilty Pleasures: her partners 😏

Phobias (more like fears): explosions, drowning, losing her girlfriends.

Famous For: her shifting ability.

Arrested For: well... L O R E

OC Shipped: Betrix, Calenni, and Desa.

OC Murder: lore

They are aliens, so i'm skipping these questions.

Talents: her speed. she is a shifter, so she can shape shift into her true form (a ice fox) and into her more humanesque form. (having two arms and two legs)

Love Them: her mysterious but gentle presence

Hate Them: her special skill and the fact she is dating Calenni and Desa in particular.

Change: Irri changes from being controlled by an oppressive regime.

Love Them 2: She is my second oldest oc, she will always have a special place in my heart.

Betrix -

Name: The Stoic Betrix

Gender: Genderfluid, pansexaul. (in a poly relationship)

Pronouns: she/her or he/him.

Ethnicity/Species: The Marked Ones, Bender classification.

Birthplace: on their home planet, in a abandoned temple of the benders.

Guilty Pleasures: smiling and being happy.

Phobias: being alone and losing his girlfriends.

Famous For: her calm, unphased demeanor.

Arrested For: same reason as Irri and Desa.

OC Shipped: Irri, Calenni, and Desa.

OC Murder: WOAH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT, LORE!!!

Talents: being able to take everything thrown at him without saying a word (punches, kicks, fire, etc etc). bending people in half without moving a muscle. being a bender means she can bend spaces and minds with no difficulty, leading him to control the person's mind.

Love Them: No matter what happens to her, Betrix always gets back up with twice the amount of power and the same amount of complaints, zero. a man of little words unless he is with his partners.

Hate Them: WHY WON'T SHE STAY DOWN? STOP FIGHTING ALREADY!!! dating Calenni and Desa

Change: Betrix learns how to open up more and use her words because she is allowed to speak.

Love Them 2: She is a badass. who needs to speak when you can just knock the asshole over with one push.

Calenni -

Name: Calenni the Creative

Gender: Genderfluid and pansexual. (in a poly relationship)

Pronouns: she/her and sometimes called they/them by Betrix.

Ethnicity/Species: The Marked Ones, Creator classification.

Birthplace: On their home planet, on her family's estate.

Guilty Pleasures: being taken care of, not always the one leading things.

Phobias: bugs, filith, losing her partners.

Famous For: looking like a flower or a tiny pixie creature.

Arrested for: nothing because of lore reeasons

OC Shipped: Irri, Betrix, and Desa.

OC Murder: lore.

Talents: everything she creates is one of a kind and priceless. She is a creator so she is able to make whatever comes to mind with just a tap of her fingers. and is always changing how she appearance due to creating new shapes and forms.

Love Them: she speaks out against what was happening with the creators and risked her lives for her partners, nearly dying for them.

Hate Them: didn't sit back and be the little princess she was supposed to.

Change: learned how to be independent while being able to depend on her loves.

Love Them 2: Calenni said eat the rich even if that means eat me too.

Desa -

Name: Desa the Kind

Gender: Genderfluid and pansexual (in a poly relationship)

Pronouns: any but mainly she/her.

Ethnicity/Species: The Marked Ones, Destroyer classification.

Birthplace: on their home planet, in the woods far away from civilization.

Guilty Pleasures: creating stuff!!! being able to just live and feel love and acceptance.

Phobias: destroying the ones she loves. being alone, losing her partners.

Famous For: being understanding and not judgmental.

Arrested for: lore- but also just for being caught with Calenni.

OC Shipped: Irri, Betrix, Calenni.

OC Murder: lore, but anyone but her partners.

Talents: Her forgiveness. Being able to destroy whole planets by just being on them. Detroyers can eliminate anything in their paths with little to no struggle.

Love Them: ??? what is not to love??? she is such a friggin sweetheart who wants to spend all eternity with her sweethearts.

Hate Them: being born.

Change: girl has it ROUGH let me tell you. but in the end it'll all work out and a much happier, healthier Desa will make it out on the other side.

Love Them 2: "all i want is to love what i can not destroy with a single touch, then and only then, i'll be at peace" -Desa.

BONUS!!!! BONUS ROUND!!!!

Iris -

Name: Iris the Lurer

Gender: Female and Straight (😔)

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: Greater Demon (dark gray/light purple complexion)

Birthplace: in the demon realm, before mankind was created.

Guilty Pleasures: using her kids as weapons to orchestrate a war. oh and 90 Day Fiance on TLC.

Phobias: love and weakness from her children.

Famous For: her natural rainbow hair.

Arrested For: mass genocide.

OC Shipped: Icarus (two slimey bastards)

OC Murder: ANGEL AND RED LIKE THE BAD BITCHES THEY ARE 😤💯

Favorite Movie: The Birdcage. Cliche would be main villainess destroying the land.

Least Favorite: The Hunger Games. "so over rated and boring CGI, why do humans enjoy this?" -Iris

Talents: being the worst mother alive, making your child into a monstrosity to benefit your delusions. her powers are mostly mental manipulation and normal demon theatrics.

Love Them: being confident, commanding, and full of herself.

Hate Them: everything she has ever done after breaking free from the demon realm with Icarus.

Change: maybe if she gets murdered she'll finally change.

Love Them 2: i like working with a villain, morally gray character like her.

THIS TOOK ALL DAY WOANSGEUOWMSB I HAVEN'T LEFT THIS TAB ALL DAY.

#ask alec #alec answers #alec speaks #alec writes #mutuals ♡ #darkwarf tag #red oc #irri oc #lexi oc #niko oc #trinity oc #abigail oc #syd oc #raph oc #ainsel oc #sebastian oc #betrix oc #calenni oc #desa oc #iris oc #long post #tw long post #alec's universe

[hollowdevil]

more getting to know the mun

rules: Tag 9 people who you want to get to know better top 3 ships: are we talking canon or ?? regardless, mattelektra will always by my #1 for matty. and for her. they’re soulmates and i don’t even need to defend that. i also love matt and nat if we’re still talking canon. i love them and i love her “no shit” attitude towards him. they make me weak. and then i think that honestly??? rn???? been super feeling matt and felicia hardy like HELLA lately and rachel is 10000% responsible for it. like come on marvel. they could and SHOULD date for real. they’re completely each other’s type and they already fucked once so you know they’re into each other on some level. let them do the thing they’re so cute. they’re so goddamn cute. but ANYWAY i’ve got a million ships and i ship matt with almost anyone. a lot of unexplored ships and i’m also just super shy last song: love gets me every time by shania twain which is a BIG matt mood last movie: monty python and the holy grail (for school) last book: either grimm’s fairy tales or kindred by octavia butler. can’t remember which came first. what food are you craving right now?: apple pie. or lefse. or sour punch straws. NO MOVIE THEATER POPCORN.

tagged by: @timeforgcd

tagging: @gloriousxdarkness, @beliefruined, @ofhomeland, @sviker, @agentstein, @soulgiven, idk anyone who wants to, i hate tagging people bc i always feel bad for leaving people out but do the thing anyway and say i tagged you

#i feel bad lsdfjlsdjflsdkf #ooc #mun #hmu with 90s country music #good ol midwest roots lmao end me

[what-the-sun-dont-see]

Let Me Help You

Summary: Reader has terrible period cramps and can’t find relief until dean says he can lend a hand.

Pairing: Dean x Reader, mentions of Sam

Warnings: Language, Fluff, small bit of angst

One Shot: This is my first fanfic ever so let me know what you think. There will be some mistakes.

Word Count: 1066

“uh, fuck” you said under your breath as the pain persisted. These are some of the worst cramps you’ve had in a long time and nothing was helping. You took some Midol and did some yoga trying to stretch out the pain. Nothing was working but were just glad you were home in the bunk not in some crappy motel room. You now laid in your bed curled into a ball rocking back and forth as somehow the pain got worse. The pain was everywhere your back, legs, head, and stomach. You had, had enough when the pain finally subsided a little, so you decided to get up and see if there was a heating pad somewhere in the bunker. You had checked all the bathrooms and started to look in the kitchen when you heard someone walk in. You turned around to see dean in the doorway looking at you with something you couldn’t quite distinguish in his eyes.

“What are you looking for, I just cleaned in here” Dean said looking at all the stuff laying on the counters.

“oh, sorry” you said taking a look yourself, you hadn’t noticed the mess laying in your woke before then.

“I was looking for a heating pad, but I don’t think we have one, I looked pretty much everywhere.” You said. When dean confirmed there wasn’t one, you started putting things back in the cabinets where they belonged.

Dean watched as you reached and bet over putting things in their rightful place and decided before you caught him staring, he’d help you.

“Why were you looking for the heating pad in the first place?” Dean asked after everything was put away and you were sitting at the kitchen table.

“I have really bad cramps and was hoping a heating pad would bring me some relief. But since we don’t have one, I’m just going to go back to suffering in my room.” You said and started to walk out of the kitchen.

“Okay give me a few minutes and I’ll be right there.” Dean said which made you turn around with a furrowed expression.

“What?” You said very confused at what he was trying to imply.

“I’m going to go get some sweats on, I have an idea.” He said and pushed passed you and headed to his room. “Dean and his ideas” you thought to yourself as you walk back to your room and sat on your bed. For some reason you were nervous about what was he planning, you always had a crush on Dean ever since you met him and Sam. It had been a few years now, but the crush never faded and the two of you always hung out together and maybe even flirted just a bit. But according to Sam, Dean really liked you in a not so friendly type of way, but you could never believe that.

As you sat thinking Dean came walking in both of his hand full of stuff and laid everything on your bed. There was a bowl of popcorn (extra butter), some movies and quite a lot of candy. You were looking at him in amazement, not saying anything.

“What?” He said breaking you from your trance.

“Where do you have all of that hidden?” You gesture to the around ten candy bars now laying on your bed.

“Oh, I not telling you about my secret hiding place sweetheart.” He said and gave you a wink before turning around and turning your tv on.

“So which movie do you want to watch?” he asked, and you started looking through the small collection.

“Really?” He asked as you handed him Monty python and the holy grail with a very surprised expression on his face.

“Yes, Dean I have a good taste in movies, did you really think I was going to pick the notebook?” You said as he looked at you and laughed.

“No, I just didn’t expect you to know a movie that was made in 1975, it’s older than me” He stated as he put the movie in and sat on the bed grabbing the popcorn and rested his back against the headboard.

“Well I can’t help that you’re an old man, but me and my family used to watch this and laugh the whole time. I thought we both could use a good laugh.” You said.

“Yes, we could, And I’m not old!” he said as the credits started you sshhed him and grabbed a candy bar and rested against the headboard. There you both sat eating and laughing your asses off at the hilarious nonsense playing out before you. Soon you both had eaten your fill and you threw everything on the nightstand next to you. When you didn’t think you could possible laugh anymore the movie ended.

“It really never gets old no matter how many times you watch it.” You said eyes still on the tv.

“No, it doesn’t, but if you say old one more time I swear.” Dean joked and you stuck your tongue out at him.

“Do you still have cramps?” He asked shifting his weight on the bed to look at you.

“Yeah it’s still kinda bad” You said and suddenly Dean was pulling you to him making you let out a small squeal of surprise, as you were made to be the little spoon.

“Dean what are you doing?” You asked not upset at all by what he was doing.

“Let me help you. Do you trust me?” Dean said looking down at you, all you could do at this point was nod your head yes. One of his arms was snaked under you the other over and soon his big warm hands were in the waistband of your sweatpants. Settled right along your hip bones radiating heat into your low stomach.

“Oh. My. God!” Was all you could manage as your head lay back against dean’s chest and you breathed a long sigh of relief.

Dean let out a low chuckle as he watched you relax underneath his hands. “Glad I could help.” He said. After a few minutes you could speak again.

“Did you do all that just so you could get your hands in my pants?” You asked looking up into his beautiful green eyes he had a shit eating grin on his face, which let you know exactly what he is thinking.

 The End.

#dean x reader #dean winchester #fluff #angst #spn #spn fanfic #pain relief #supernatural #sam winchester

[bladekindeyewear]

Boots reads Homestuck Epilogue(s) Part 7 - Meat Page 26

==>

Back on to Jade swimming into the singularity or something.  (And trying to stop thinking that maybe Candy ends with a giant polyamorous relationship and/or orgy, because I don’t imagine Rose would have acted so tamely if that’s what she saw.)

Yes, Time is the complement of Space, that was already confirmed in comic if it wasn’t super incredibly obvious all along anyway.

Gah, I’m getting stomach cramps again.

Yeah, too much Space makes Time invisible and vice versa? Or...

Maybe Dave broke her heart a little, and he keeps doing it too, no matter how many different timelines they try out.

D:

God damnit these CRAMPS.  Reading further.

Like a garden, where Jade used to spend so much of her time with her hands in the earth and her head in the clouds, dreaming about flowers that bloomed in six colors and grew when she played them a song. Was that real? It’s hard to tell. But it made her happy, didn’t it?

FUCK are you going to start making me doubt the reality of the liFe we saw her living early in-comic?????  Cut it out, it’s unsettling!

Alright, alt!Callie is taking the reins from Dirk on this narrative he so smugly thought he could completely consume.  That’s good/bad.

slutty adult Jade

FUCKING YIKES!! FUCK YOU DIRK!

FUCK I DIDN’T NEED HER DEATH DESCRIBED IN SUCH DETAIL EITHER.  Also alt!Callie’s really embodying Death here.

==>

Pff.  Calliope’s writing the story now, in a sense, like she always kind of wanted.

Also pff, this version of her doesn’t know how to describe human stuff colorfully.  :)

An adversarial dichotomy between your opposing goals, huh?  This might end up as a “none of us can really write the ending” ending that DOES leave it up in the air for everyone else to decide instead.

Fuck, now you’re having THIS Jade suffer by proxy by experiencing the other Jade’s memories.  This metatextual ascension’s happening to everyone isn’t it.

Yeah, she’s done it before and stuff--

when jade turns to look at roxy, her eyes are completely black.

FUCK.

my presence shall mitigate, if not altogether subdue, the corrosive effect on reality and the will of its occupants by those who would manipulate the way events are telegraphed for their own megalomaniacal objectives.

Well, fuck.  Jade’s been temporarily hijacked for the rest of the story AGAIN, like back in Condesce days, this time as a plot device to keep Dirk from overreaching with his god powers and stepping over everyone’s wills like an Ultimate Riddle style villain.  Dirk, I mean.  Being the villain.  And alt!Callie just doing what she has to to put this back on track.  Man I HATE it when Jade’s will doesn’t get to be on full display.  Her will is awesome.  (Also, alt!Callie just tacitly confirmed that the will of reality’s occupants matters, if that wasn’t obvious already, so ha.)

despite his pretensions to a greater design, the prince of heart cannot be allowed to continue to exert unchecked control over the authoritative recitation of events on this side of my horizon. it cannot be overstated the extent to which he represents a threat to the continued existence of both this world and corporeal life itself.

Yeah, it was indeed looking that way earlier.

Ooh, alt!Callie is really spot-on with her pronoun use.

Alright, Dirk’s voice is shrinking away, and my stomach still feels half-clenched.

Wow, alt!Callie’s really mad at what Dirk’s been doing with this epilogue.

==>

“EPILOGUE FIVE”?????

Did I miss the titles for one, three, and four??? Yeah there were probably there and I just missed them or something.

Pfffff, John looks/smells like shit.  :D

...too fresh??

Fuck you John for thinking Monty Python and the Holy Grail isn’t a masterpiece.  :P

terezi tips her head to one side, with what john personally regards as a cute expression, one he believes is unique to her. whether he’s correct or not, it’s his belief that there is no one else who emotes in this manner. it’s both quizzical and mocking, two descriptors that he considers to be an apt summation of her personality as well.

Niiiiice.  Nice linguistic description of her “>:?” expression.

have no desire to interject thoughts into others’ minds, or to sway intent. nor do i see value in masking the reality of the emotions that i transcribe. this is how he feels. his mind, however, has made a habit of being less clear about his thoughts than i am willing to be.

Oh thank fucking god, I don’t have to question everyone’s thoughts anymore.  Until Dirk comes back or something, I dunno.

Oh my fucking god, alt!Callie, you total voyeuristic nerd.

he fears he is in danger of seeming like the type of creepy human male who is likely to collect large pillows bearing the illustrated images of japanese earth females. to me, this idea means nothing. but it is causing him to sweat.

This is one very relatable snippet of text.

Feed Terezi Feed Terezi Feed Terezi

WHY is the gold tooth poisonous???????  ...Wait, Caliborn affixed it to his mouth intentionally.  He had every right and motive to make it poisonous for no good reason.  Ugh.

Beep beep, let’s find Vriska.

==>

WHAT

WHAT JANE

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING

JESUS

Using Trickster Mode as a drug to further one’s political performance.  That’s fucking horrifying.  No wonder it was on the triggers list.

additionally, it prevents one from dwelling on any given personal problems, or the greater implications of any political statements one might make.

Pff, mhmm.

Problematic, huh?  Jane seems like the slightly-old-fashioned sort of person who thinks it’s getting kind of ridiculously silly how much people are caring about stuff being “problematic”.  And yet that stuff DOES matter, and ignoring it DOES hurt people, and she not only isn’t seeing that but is drugging herself to see it LESS with that goddamned lollipop.  Holy shit.

she turns around promptly, her body jolted by the surprise of her sudden reversal. she bends over, cradles the lollipop reverentially, and situates it carefully in a place signifying respect: atop the mantle, after clearing space for it by shoving several brittle, worthless objects to the floor.

PFFF.  Okay, so alt!Callie ISN’T above altering characters slightly from their narrative course when it comes to one of the few things she deems important.  Heh.

Having “his control of a shared vehicle fully suppressed”, huh?  Does alt!Callie only mean the narrative, or maybe Rose too with whatever weird bullshit he did to her?

Uh, “while the seer both diminishes and ascends”???  D:

--Oh, oh shit.  He was planning to NARRATIVE CONTROL Jake into going along with things.  D: D:

Yeah, Jake would want to bang all the aliens, really.

Sendificator rifle, or something like that.  Got it.

==>

How fucking long is this epilogue, anyway?????  I mean, the length is appropriate from an objective point of view, I’m just frustrated because I’m going to have to spend every waking hour liveblog-reading it until I’ve reached the end or I’m likely to fucking explode, and I didn’t want this to be my entire day/weekend/existence again AAGH HOMESTUCK YOU BLACK HOLE

anyway yaay karkat in a suit.

Alluding to assassination attempts?  What, is that red rifle going to try and fulfill that old “through the silver screen and straight into my heart” unused foreshadowing-herring from act six, or five, or whenever it was? Five, I believe.

Pff, super pacs, yeah.  Dave’s nearly as political as me now or something.  Except he actually acts on it here instead of just sitting around talking about it and thinking he’s right all the time, like me.

Wait, JANE ACTUALLY WENT THROUGH with smearing Jake??!???  Holy shit she’s lost touch.

KARKAT: SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF IS ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS SUBJECT MATTER FOR PRODUCING CAMPAIGN ADS! KARKAT: NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, OR WHAT POINTS YOU’RE TRYING TO MAKE! DAVE: yeah its awesome

Pfffff.

...yeah, Jake isn’t thinking of ANYTHING except Dirk right now, really.

Oh huh, Dirk HAS been as controlling of Jake as he used to be, now that alt!Callie’s pointing it out.  Just with an even more insidious mechanism.

Oh cool, Karkat’s version of the policy pitch!  :D :D :D  Can’t wait can’t wait reading

(dont lie karkat you totally know shes hot)

Pff, stop making it seem obvious that Dirk wanted to assassinate Jake for political purposes.  Heck, even if that WAS his plan it’d just be a temporary death that he’d resurrect from and then they’d try to turn it into... what, some media spin on how Karkat might have been responsible? Or a troll?? That latter part would make things MUCH more xenophobic.  I’m starting to get seriously into the politics of this.

==>

Pff, now ‘rezi’s eating tobacco.

...okay, is Terezi REALLY going to go for a real conversation with just an honest ask for one?  I don’t think so--

--aaand there she goes laughing, as expected.  At least at first.

Yep, Terezi’s wearing the shoes.  Nice date gift.

--And yep, Terezi remembers all that.  She managed to do the nigh-metatextual mind merge with her other selves WITHOUT even needing God-Tier.

Yeah, Vriska always seemed fit to abandon the kismesis you deserved when it suited her, ‘rezi.  :(

JOHN: even worse, i might have tried to fix things MYSELF! TEREZI: OH D34R GOD JOHN: yeah!!!

Yeah I cackled out loud at that.

TEREZI: 34RTH C 1S P3RF3CT 1SNT 1T? TEREZI: BUT NOT FOR YOU TEREZI: YOU DONT *F33L* 1T

john swallows a thick breath. he reminds himself that he never wanted perfection, never asked for it. and yet he feels guilty every day for failing to enjoy it as much as he believes he was supposed to.

Holy shit.  John’s survivor’s guilt from all the doomed timelines he witnessed and escaped is keeping him from feeling their victory has been real, and making his “squandering” of it gut his self-esteem too.  God damnit.

Roxy and John wouldn’t have worked out????? Hey Terezi, quit it! >:[  That’s not fair, just very plausibly and authoritatively dismissing a ship we’d hoped for offscreen like--  Oh, shit, she’s alluding to something that happened in the Candy side I haven’t read isn’t she.  She would DEFINITELY have an idea of what happened on the other side of that Choice Split with her hero role.  Fuck what am I in for

....pfff, that Callie vs Dirk bit.  It’s like revenge against Doc Scratch, which it kind of IS, really.

I didn’t expect this much time to be spent dwelling on really intimate John/Terezi scenes.  It’s really refreshing!  Making this kind of meaningful no matter whether it’s black or inexplicably red they end up with or whatever, and equally meaningful if they don’t end up in any sort of relationship at all, really.

even without the aid of a juju, he is fortunate enough to be blessed with the only true form of divinity. to be released from the prison of nonsensical inhibitions which so often psychologically hobble the more primitive forms of life.

Alt!Callie, are you causing this?  I thought you wanted to be impartial.

Okay, THAT finally brought things suitably closer to the black side of romance like I would have expected.

==>

their finger hovers over dirks number for a moment, but... no. that would not be a good idea. they don’t know why they suddenly think it’s a bad idea. it just is.

Okay, THAT shred of influence is fair.  You DID say you were going to countermand his influence, so yeah.

Good excuse to get narration of her thoughts, if flimsy.  :)

Lord save me from this fake woke nightmare.

Pfffff.  Fuck you, Dirk.  ;)

ROXY: guess ill just open the damn curtains and let some light in here

FUCK you’re going to kill JADE aren’t you???? You’re giving Jade a TEMPORARY DEATH just to deny alt!Callie’s proxy?!?? That’s fucking insidious!  Fuck you, Dirk!!! That one wasn’t a loveable joke this time, that was an ACTUAL fuck you.  This epilogue is really good at making him out to be the villain now that his powers have expanded to the narrative.

Reading reading reading...

...Huh.  Is Roxy talking about coming out as non-binary and getting advice on it?  Hm!

Alright, and she’s defs a little gay for Callie from what she’s saying if it wasn’t clear before.  If “gay” even has any relevance when you’re talking about a pair of non-binary... yeah whatever.  :)

Alright, time to hear Dave talk about it all some more I guess.

--Yep, he’s only mostly gay.  Called it.  There’s a whole spectrum.

...and yeah, I mean... why NOT let it go beyond quadrants with Karkat and never slap an official label on it?  You’re just two people who love each other and want to spend time together in any capacity, be it positive or negative.  It doesn’t have to result in anything formal unless you want it to, much less boning down or something.  Dirk, stop getting creepy with how hard you’re shipping them, that’s the fanbase’s job.

Jade and Roxy are visible from this location, right?  Wasn’t it mentioned that they live in a tower in Carapaceville or whatever?  Has Dirk successfully conned alt!Callie into having her vessel shot through?  Probably.

the ongoing corruption of his cerebrally impaired daughter.

Eewwwwweweewww

Anyway yeah here comes the plot twist or whatever...

Yeah, Callie gets it wrong, and--

......ah, a tranq?  That makes more sense and is more than slightly less evil, if still ultimately evil given his eventual presumed goals or whatever.

DIRK: Like the bitch she is.

FUCK YOU

Oh, Jade’s going to be asleep for the rest of the story?  AGAIN?!????  FUCK YOU SO MUCH, DIRK.

Jesus christ.  How long is this epilogue anyway.

Taken your leave?  From this planet???  What the fuck, are you--

Oh.  Oh shit.

When Dirk ascended into absorbing the memories of all his various split selves, did he get a heaping helping of DOC SCRATCH in there too???  Was Doc Scratch’s ambition actually for POST-victory ascension in this very manner? FUCK.  Either way, him sharing some of those memories puts a pretty unique spin on his descent into goddamn evil, here.

Reading on... oh shit, did Callie write the candy half??

==>

Huh, postcoital; we actually went there.  Cool.

Ah, she gives up on Vriska?  Better find Vriska really fast, then.

Oh, you’re really going? Or, trying, anyway.

==>

Really committed to this whole ascending to literal godhood schtick, aren’t you, Dirk?

(Hm.  Makes me almost think that this situation with Rose is going to end up with someone splitting her essence entirely in two to save her; her raw Seer-ness getting forced into a convenient vessel (cueball, wonk wonk) and herself returning to consciousness a slight bit more mortal than she was before, ie not going completely insane.  Hmm.)

Oh, “Vast Fuck” sorta-maybe-confirmed..??

Stop tacitly insulting Jake as you puppet him, Dirk.  He’s a dumbass but not THAT much of a dumbass.

beta-bitch

FUCK YOU, DIRK.

She loves you, Jake, more than anything, and you toyed with her heart. 

Fuuuuuuck you.

could subsume your entire personality

Shit, he IS trying to pretty much consume them all.  Swallow their individuality and take total control of all their actions.  All Prince of Heart on the whole world.  Dirk you need to fucking DIE.

And to love Dirk is to obey him.

There isn’t a Fuck You large or loud enough to what I feel about the mental violation Dirk is inflicting on Jake right now, and everyone else around him, and I sincerely and selfishly hope this epilogue is almost over because I don’t want too many pages to stand between this one and seeing Dirk fucking PAY.

Jake opens his big, dumb mouth to make the only important contribution to the plot he ever has or ever will make in his whole sad, pointless joke of a life.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU

Let’s hope that in your hubris your looking away managed to let him say something different or some such.

==>

You try to remember if you’ve ever been revived by Jane before. You honestly can’t recall. So much shit has happened. Maybe?

Yeah, I don’t recall either really.

The poison needling through you is antithetical to narrative relevance. You’re not dying, John. You’re being erased. Cherubs don’t fuck around. We’ve both been learning that the hard way.

Okay, fuck?  How the hell?  Is this just because Dirk says it is, or???

I guess it’s tragic, though maybe not in the conventional sense. My view is, the real tragedy with you, John, is that you never mattered all that much.

Yeah, Dirk’s first fucking rant when he took over the narrative officially was about John being a you-insert nobody average guy, and the DISDAIN he shows to everything about who John is is pretty goddamn insulting.  He has NO concept of how John managed to bring everyone together or... UGH!

even though you knew both then and now that it was the only choice you possibly could have made.

Dammit, so it probably WASN’T a full timeline-bisecting Mind split.  Just a side branch that wasn’t as likely, because just like with his Denizen, John’s will was tilted toward this part of the choice.  D:

I see how some of this seems to be going, or at least think I do... Dirk thinks that John needs to die heroically “for the good of the story”, and something’s potentially going to come in and say “no”?  That the whole reason they WON was to essentially be free of that cruel logic once and for all, and that Dirk is gonna get one hell of a smackdown for trying futilely to enforce it in their new post-victory domain??

She listens to him bleed while she smells him die.

--That, and fulfilling bits of foreshadowing for shits and giggles.  >:(

Huh, “friable”, didn’t even know that was a word.  Just looked it up; you learn something new every day.

Okay what is Dirk planning with the fucking body.

==>

Jane swept the election, of course. I told you I was going to win. After Jake’s incoherent and scandalous heel-turn at Karkat’s ill-fated rally, no amount of esoteric, three-dimensional jpeg artefacts could have salvaged the Vantas campaign. 

Ah, but is that what REALLY happened, or what you’re saying happened, about to be overwritten?

Mainly that their BFF Jade has been in a coma for an entire month. They’ve been in and out of the hospital handling her affairs. Her next of kin is listed as John Egbert, and no one’s seen him in ages. It’s like he just disappeared suddenly. Like some great hand came out of the sky and crossed his name off the big list of guys we ever need to give a shit about anymore.

F U C K  Y O U

Roxy, after all, and since her big heart-to-heart about the personal politics of queer onion metaphors, and ten stages of galaxy-braining through the many vicissitudes of the phrase “no homo,” Roxy has decided to really step up her gender experimentation. I guess at this point she’s gone beyond Stage Ten. Which I imagine is somewhat like reaching Super Saiyan 2 of gender, and then going even further beyond.

Holy crap, she’s going full Dave Lalonde.  That’s pretty sweet.

...Isn’t Terezi like obviously covered in blood and stuff?

ROXY: they stay home all day with the blinds drawn paintin some weird ass shit on the walls

Oh my fucking GOD real!Callie please save the plot.  Nuke this self-indulgent Dirkshit.

ROXY: like lotsa nasty purple blood and um ROXY: nudity???? TEREZI: >:? ROXY: yeah yikes ROXY: but MOST of it is cute stuff like... various combos of all of us being happy and gettin married and shit ROXY: anyway thats kept callie kinda busy

...This is an allusion to the Candy side I haven’t read, isn’t it?  Maybe THAT’s part of what she supplants this bullshit with.  Or since it mentions “various combinations”, she’s restoring the possibility to everything that the ending was supposed to have?

This is potentially a real fucking indictment of the idea of a narrative-driven ending when what actually mattered was the characters’ escape from said narrative.  :)

ROXY: its like theyre traumatized ROXY: and they think ill drag whatever possessed jade back into our home with me

Okay fuck maybe Callie ISN’T helping.  Maybe she’s just so worried about the alternate history she could have lead that she’s retreating into every Candy-like fanfic she can think of.  :(

What’s with the phone buzz?  The intervention we’ve been hoping for, since Dirk’s making her ignore it?

Oh cool, figures Terezi’s been hearing the narrative all along and just politely not acknowledging the fact that she hears it!  Maybe SHE’LL help unfuck this mess.  (And according to her, Roxy’s gone full “him” too!)

Fuck fuck fuck Terezi don’t listen to him go against his bullshit instead

Where, canon? Is that where you’re planning to escape back to or some such, with yourself as the author? Is that orange Andrew actually you or some BS?

Dammit.

==>

FUCK, “new body”????

The new body I’ve made for her won’t have much use for her usual ensembles. That’s all I was saying.

FUCK FUCK FUCK it IS the cueball isn’t it.  Holy shit.  That’s even worse than a robot.  FZUCZK

Okay calm down.  The Rose part of Rose can be cut away and rescued from this fate somehow, if she isn’t just whole-hog rescued entirely which would also be good.  FUCK DIRK

...look purple? What?

DIRK: What’s happening here is the best thing for everybody.

Yeah, go fuck yourself.  This shit had better be undone soon.

To finally face the truth. If Rose has been spending more time with me than you, if she’s realizing she resonates more with me due to our natural similarities and finds my presence more rewarding than yours, then what does that say about YOU, Kanaya?

PFFFF. YOU’RE GONNA BREAK UP THE PAIRING JUST SO YOU CAN STEAL HER?  HAHAHAHAHAHA NO.

Okay, after THAT page’s last bit of horrid manipulation, this can’t end in any way that doesn’t involve ages of existential and literal torment for Dirk, forever.

==>

Epilogue Seven, huh.  One last thing he wants to take care of before getting out of dodge, huh.  I see Karkat and Dave’s text colors on screen.  Is he going to try to force them to finally bone down or confess?  This would be the perfect place for his plan to get fucking stopped.

Homestuck, stop making my fucking stomach clench so hard.

That’s a hell of a disaster Dirk thought up for these guys on that stage.

Part of this whole shitshow might be to tell us that this ending, this “fanfic” of dubious authenticity of an epilogue that Dirk is giving us is how DIRK believes it would end best for everyone involved, but not how everyone else would, ignoring their wills... while also discarding the idea of the epilogue that any individual reader of Homestuck would want in favor of the possibilities he meant to leave open with the ending.

Alright, here comes Dirk NOT forcing them to bone down but rather trying to persuade-brainwash them into a relationship talk.

DAVE: so what youre saying is you believe in me who believes in you

Dave. Please.

Hey, the Gurren Lagaan reference went WAY too long unsaid.  Even if Andrew literally didn’t know a thing about said anime when he made the character designs.

I look Dave right in his mind’s eye and tell him to cut it the fuck out. He wants it, you want it, so just go for it, my man. It’s now or never.

DAVE: oh DAVE: same

I feel every brain cell in my immortal body begin to perish in real time.

BAAHAHAHAAHHhahahha FUCK YOU Dirk.

I mean, I want Dave and Karkat together as much as the next guy but FUUUUUUUCK YOU DIRK!!! I want everything you ever wanted to go wrong and shit on you.  Their equivocating soft-nearly-mance is strong enough to go even against you, who thinks yourself the narrative fucking Sun.

Oh this is fantastic

I’ve literally been decapitated and that was less unbearable than this.

YES KEEP FALLING APART

You see that twinkle? That’s devotion, you unbelievably dense neutron star of a dumbshit.

Nice callback to... what was it, Dave’s first rant at Tavros to troll him back or whatever?

radially effervescing kaleidoscope of more hot boy peckers than you could ever imagine.

Yep, DEFINITELY a callback to that. I’ll never forget the sick flow of that metaphor.

DAVE: i just keep having thoughts i know id never think

SAVE US DAVE

Dammit, near miss.

The privilege of a Strider Eye Moment is about the most earth-shattering experience a young man will ever have in his life. 

Pfff

DAVE: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD AND JUST LET ME DO THIS MYSELF!!!

yaaaaaayyy

I mean we didn’t save the whole story yet but at least Dirk got fucked over and we still get Davekat intimacy.

That’s pretty classy actually, not getting into detail and just sounding blown the fuck away by it even though he’s Dirk.  That’s pretty good.

==>

Something about the height of Rose, roughly Rose-shaped, and wrapped in a cloth. I know she’s gonna love it the first time she sees it.

Oh so it IS a robot body.  Well, fuck you a little less than it potentially being the magic cueball, but STILL fuck you.

I may have already mentioned, but I’m a bit too deft at this for my own good. Doing the thing where I tug at the part of someone’s latent thought process that already knows they adore me. That if someone would just pull the stops from their sense of inhibition, they’d realize they would do anything for me.

It’s called killing their soul with your role abilities you ASSHOLE

I hope this crush you filled him with bites you in the fucking ass now that he’s here.

DIRK: I won’t be coming back, Jake.

Oh, so you’re just going to drop the truth on him like that? Let’s see how that works out for you, asshole.

DIRK: Jane needs you now more than ever.

Oh fuck you.  This is “best for everyone”, huh?????

DIRK: You’ll just be, you know. DIRK: Her candy boy? JAKE: CANDY BOY??? DIRK: Yeah. Being on call. DIRK: Serving a multimillion-year term of giving her the right kind of “presidential action” she needs to keep going. To keep her morale up and such. DIRK: To provide her with many heirs. DIRK: Doesn’t that sound cool? JAKE: HEIRS??

Um.  What the fuck?  Is this even Dirk anymore?  It’s not Condesce intervention, I’m not going to try and suspect that just from the callback or anythiiiii-----

Fuck, we DID just get an alive Meenah dropped into a universe somewhere.

Maybe this IS Condesce intervention. Just a different Condesce.  o_O

Two ticks longer than he ever deserved.

Gah???

DIRK: But I’ll never let you break my heart again.

So this was all just revenge for dumping him??????????????

==>

Guh, back to Kanaya-- wait, why does Dirk want Terezi around, anyway?

Jade wakes up and then-- Okay. Okay my eyes flitted down to the green halfway down the page and I saw this phrase before I actually got to it.

JADE: DIRK STRIDER HAS TO BE STOPPED!!!!!!!!!!

Thank FUCK.

Anyway reading the in-between...

The scope of her awareness, she now understands, is truly staggering. Memories are suddenly accessible that are almost impossible to believe. Some of them are unspeakably marvelous to her. Others, deeply disturbing.

FUCKING COOL she got Ultimate-Selved!  Now she knows too much about what’s going on to stop her!  Get fucked, Dirk!!!!

No, more than just disturbing. She lingers in the dark recesses of her consciousness. There were things she saw, things she was told... Her mouth twists into a silent snarl. She’s been angry plenty of times before. But never so angry that she stopped being cute. She’s not cute this time.

YEAAAAAHHH JADE GET ANGRY

This had better not be Dirk intentionally riling her up since he still has control of the narrative though.

Next post.

#Homestuck #Homestuck Epilogue #upd8 #Homestuck Liveblog #bladekindeyewear #BlastYoBoots

[isolated-loser]

Log 0021, 5:26am, 7-22-2019

Thursday, the 4thof July, I ran a one shot. It was fucking hilarious. My player did a whole bunch of stupid shit. I loved it, it was great. One of my players in the one shot, Ranger, swam up a giant squid’s ass. Then a nether one of my players joined him. Then Ranger casted spike growth in this squid’s ass, all most killing it. Ranger also shot a nether player, Shaggy, who was running away in the ass with a harpoon gun. That game was great. Nymph didn’t do much, but she looked like she was having fun.

Also last Thursday, the 11th, I was hanging outside the shop, cuss the game hadn’t started yet. And eyebrows ask if I wanted to walk with him to burger king, I was like sure, cuss half of the other players are over there anyway. It was interesting to say the least watching him interact with others. He really seems less awkward talking to anyone other than me. Like, goddamn, I’m a dude not a snake, probably. It was funny the entire time he’s trying not to make it awkward, but that’s what’s making it awkward. He’s a weird dude. Wish, I wasn’t in to weird dudes, But here we are. idk why he

In lash’s campaign, last Thursday, the 11th,  I got to water ski butt ass naked, without any equipment, while singing opera, then after I was done and climbed back on ship one of the other players told me to roll dex, and I did with a 13, needed a 16 IE, I didn’t save, this dude cast levitate on me, so I was now and parasailing butt ass naked, without any equipment. I’m a 7 and a half foot tall male half orc, this is not what any of the party wanted to see, I may be a pretty half orc, but I’m still a lightly fuzzy man. One of the other Pcs was like hell no and punched the wizard so he’d has to do a concentration check, the wizard it a bad bitch and has that good ac play shield as a reaction and the minotaur didn’t hit, so the minotaur rages dose again, hits dose enough damage the wizard saves on his concentration check, but’s like fuck you moves levitate to the minotaur, I fall in to the water gracefully as fuck mate cuss I gut expertise in that acrobatics, I mean it only a +4 cuss I have no dex but, like. We also got a new player! She’s very nice, I’m glad she joined are table.

The last few days have feel been long… So, so, long… Gods, I don’t want to type about it, but I need to. Monday, the 15th of July, I got two new players, a marred couple. At first everything was cool. They did mention getting kicked out of a few other games, but that seemed nice enough. I was running a one shot instead of the regular campaign, cuss I didn’t think most of my players would show, though most did, actually. And I just wanted to run this one shot again. It all went well, invited the new players to the shops discord, as is standard. The new players, and some of the other non-regulars, are saying in the chat how much fun they had, how I was a great Dm, shit like that. I just thought they were sucking up to me, the DM, for cooler stuff. & I got a private message from the chick about hanging out sometime, it was a bit odd, but not setting off too many flags, & I was like yeah sounds cool, and we scheduled something for next Friday. They just seem really friendly, and happy to be in a game.

Then, Tuesday, the 16th, as I was walking out the door to go to paint jam, I checked the shops discord, and several people were talking about how they had a lot of fun Monday, so, I was like I’m going to be at the shop so if a few of you show up, I’ll run a one off. Three players showed the couple, and one of my regulars who played with them in the past. They all wanted to keep the characters from the Monday one shot, so I just made the one off their session zero, like how they got to the main campaign. Everything went well, they at one point mention that they’re poly, polysexual or polyamorous I don’t know, so nothing too weird, we finish. They leave, & few minutes after their in the chat, with the regular, about how awesome the game was. I get a few private messages from the chick, there friendly, nothing too odd. And, I get a couple from the guy. He’s like me and wivey are loving the game, I send back some gladly shit like I do, then he sends something like going ask some weird questions, I was like ok, thinking it had to do with the campaign, and he ask if I was see anyone, not too weird, I’ve been asked this several times by many people for no real reason, and he also wanted to make sure their flirting wasn’t making me uncomfortable, I was like, not at all have I thought it funny, cuss I thought he meant with each other. Then hes then he was like they’re fond of me, his wife a bit more than him, and asked if it was cool for them to continue flirting with me, and for me to flirt back, to me at the time they didn’t seem to be acting that odd like though it was joke flirting, so I was like yea sure, then he sent back a cool because you’re cute, I just replied with the stuck out tongue winking eye emoji as discord calls it, still thinking it was just like jokes and shit, he sent back glad we’re on the same page. They seem abit overly, friendly.

Wednesday, the 17th, I woke up checked discord like I do sometimes; the chick invited everyone to the discord to their place, and I knew the people going some of my regulars, and Presh, I thought it would be ok, cuss there were people I know there, really shouldn’t have but I said, sure I’ll go. Couple hours later, being nagged, some by the chick, it was annoying, but didn’t seem bad. Then I got there, a bit earlier than everyone else, the chick hugged me, don’t like being touched without knowing someone a while, I mean really don’t. She didn’t know that. The rest of the day was fine, it was fun. Everything was ok, I ran dnd, it went well. The night came to a close, I ended up being the last person there, I called my ride, cuss I really didn’t want to be there anymore, and she didn’t pick up. I should have lied and did some billshitery to get out of there, like said to the voice mail oh cool see you in a few, I’ll meant you at the gate, then said my ride is close by and I want to walk back or something. They had offered me a ride back to my place, I shouldn’t have fucking taken it, ie see billshitery, but I’m an idiot and wanted to get away from them. On the ride back they were way too friendly, like way too friendly. Oh you live close, if you ever need a ride just messages us, come over whenever you feel like. When we got to my place, the chick got out to hug me again. Then more messages about how much fun the game was, blab la bla. At this point I was starting to get that the flirting wasn’t a joke, and I was getting creeped out.

Thursday, the 18th, I got some more messages from them, in the main discord the chick was talking about how she had a dream about my one shot, she also private messaged me about it, the dude private messaged me about how he had been staring at me the night previous, and that I was neat. I didn’t answer there was a table doing a one shot and they had mention in main chat about wanting to go., they didn’t, thank you gods. I asked all the DMs what I should do about it, they were all like just tell them to stop, that’s not cool, and variations of. I told some of my female friend, Nymph, Presh, Queen, as well as Paint Master. Nymph was like yeah that creep and not cool, Preah was like yeah it weird tell to stop they can move to my table, Paint Master said if I wanted he’d come on Mondays and stand behind me with a baseball bat full of nails, Queen was like yeah that not right and had me talk to one of the people at the shop who helped me write a massage to them.

Then I sent to both of them, the dude reposed in less than a minute with some dushy shit. The next day the chick was like i don’t know what you mean then and hour later was like huby clued me in, we’re not going to play there anymore for your comfort, then they left the chop discord. I didn’t respond to any anything, I don’t know how the other players who knew them are going to react, if there going to hate me and want to move tables or what. But gods this whole thing has be awful…

After this, I relied, I really don’t have a problem with Presh, she’s a little annoying, but she’s amazing when compared to this shit.

Tuesday, the 16th, I tried to get collige stuff in order, it not working out well. it stressing me out so fucking badly.

Wednesday, the 17th, be for that shit, I did watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail, with my little bro, it was fab. I wish I had watched it earlier.

Thursday, the 18th, in Lash’s campaign I dint do much but I did get a new pair of boots and purchased 110 pastries. Plus I made the minotaur angry, by betting on the other lady minotaur, & maybe casting healing word on said other minotaur. Haha. I’m going to die, he’s going to kill my poor Danny.

Saturday, the 20th, I did Landry. Then went to karaoke with Presh, it was fun. There was Presh, one of her friend that I knew, one of her friends that I didn’t, one of her players who I met Thursday, plus her parents. It was so fucking weird. I sang “The Ballad of Mona Lisa” & “Write Sins Not Tragedies” by panic at the fucking disco. A drunk woman said I had potential, which was nice; though, I’m not super inclined to believe it. It was so embarrassing, says the person who knew full well it was going to be. It was fun though, I’ll most likely be doing it again. I got to act a fool & I got to talk about DND too, which I just love.

Today, the 21, I was supposed to go volunteer with the rabbit rescue, but I fucking slept all day which kinda sucks… I hate how this keeps happening, two weeks ago I was too depressed to get out of bed so I didn’t go, then it was that fucking hurricane, and now I just sleep throe it.  

Paint Master wants to be in my campaign which it fucking awesome, & Nergal asked about it, as well as a nether dude I don’t know the name of. I’m pretty sure shaggy going to be back from whatever he was up to. So even if half my players disappears cuss of those assholes it will be all right. Probably. 

I've pretty much been crying several times a day. I mean, I really don’t want to live right now.

Idk, what else to add, I’m sure a lot but I’ve been trying to finish this sense Friday night.

Signing Off...

Favorite song today: Disease by Beartooth

Mood: Shit      

#intp #Drama #Dungeons and Dragons #bipolar #actuallybipolar #personal #deppresion #Dnd #idk

[hornyliverpudlianputz]

Hi! Do you have any movie recs?

Hooo boy. Yes? I do? I have a lot. I will try to do a wide approach, depending on what you’re interested in. I’ve tried to break it up into categories but there is obviously some overlap. If you have a more specific “type” or genre please let me know!

Comedies -

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975): I’ve talked about this before, a movie by the British comedy troupe Monty Python spoofing the legend of the Grail Quest. Extremely quotable, I have accidentally memorized entire scenes of this because it sticks in my brain so well.

Pop Star: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016): A spoof of “live tour” documentaries done of musicians put together by The Lonely Island (famous for their SNL parodies such as “Dick in a Box” and “I’m on a Boat”). It is absolutely hysterical and contains some ridiculously good bops as well.

Dramas -

The King’s Speech (2010): A British film about King George VI’s struggle to overcome his stutter and gain the confidence to take up the mantel of the crown when his older brother abdicates. Based on real life events, Colin Firth plays the shit out of this role, and so does Helena Bonam Carter as his wife. 

The Road Within (2015): An indie “road trip” movie, this follows three teens who all have a disorder of some kind (Tourettes, Anorexia, and OCD) as they go “on the run” from the treatment facility they were all enrolled at. (The facility was not mistreating them, they’re just letting off steam.) I recommend this because from reactions I’ve seen it’s an excellent treatment of all of the respective disorders, and while it has a “happy ending” (mostly), none of them are magically cured by the end.

Brain candy/feel good -

A Knight’s Tale (2001): I’ve also already talked about this, it’s a (very, very) loose adaptation of part of the Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer (he’s a main character lol.) Fun, great soundtrack, quotable, and refuses to be constrained by things like “historical accuracy.”

Secondhand Lions (2003): A “coming of age” story combined with a “boy and his dog” story, a young man is dropped at the feet of his great uncles and told by his mother she’ll be back at the end of the summer. The three of them then have to learn how to deal with each other. All the feels.

Sci fi -

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986): Ok look. I’m a nerd. Y’all knew this. And yes, I know this is technically in the middle of an arc but this is hands down the best Star Trek movie ever so it gets a special mention. Time travel, save the whales, Spock is trying to remember his human side, and bad disguises. Also they briefly lose Chekov in a highly restricted military area, park their invisible spaceship in public, and handwave “inventing” future technology as “it’ll probably be fine.” We stan disasters.

Starship Troopers (1997): This is not “fun” scifi, fair warning. This is the “scifi is a metaphor for all the world’s problems and nothing is good” type. A really excellent metaphor for military propaganda, I could analyse the shit outta this all day. It’s also somehow cheesy as hell.

Queer -

Victor Victoria (1995): Please note that I am recommending the 90′s musical and not the 80′s comedy. They are the same story but the musical is by far superior. A version of it was filmed live and should be available on DVD. Basically a broke female opera singer in France is convinced by a gay man to become a drag queen because she would make the greatest female impersonator the world has ever known. Hijinks ensue. Gender is fake, sexuality is fluid, and everybody ends up happy. Also Julie Andrews.

I Love You Phillip Morris (2009): A black comedy based on a true story, a gay con artist keeps breaking out of prison to be with his boyfriend. (That is very simplified.) Did you know Jim Carry can play dramatic really fucking well? You will after this movie. Also please watch Ewan McGregor literally melt into a puddle on the floor, you will not regret it.

Shakespeare -

Bill (2015): This is a spoof for Shakespeare nerds done by the same group of people who do Horrible Histories. The concept is to fill in the lost years when Shakespeare was establishing himself in London. It also involves a plot to assassinate Queen Elizabeth I by Prince Philip of Spain, a royal spymaster trying to sniff out Catholics, and Shakespeare and his wife falling back in love. Gets a shoutout for using Shakespeare quotes out of context to make them work in totally different ways.

Shakespeare in Love (1998): Sigh. Ok, so like, I am not a fan of Romeo and Juliet. But this is basically Shakespeare living out Romeo and Juliet while writing it and I unironically love it. It has a lot of easter eggs for Shakespeare nerds like typical tropes (crossdressing, mistaken identities, ghosts (or are there?), class friction, star crossed romance, etc.) and random quotes. Also during the performance at the end the in-movie audience is literally seeing Romeo and Juiet for the first time. They react appropriately.

#personal #ask and ye shall receive

[soft-femagines]

Answered 20 Questions, Tag 20 People

Tagged by: @emblem-imagines

Nickname: Bee

Zodiac: Aquarius

Height: 5'5

Last movie I saw: Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Last thing I googled: Persona 5 license key generator

Favorite musician: Oh man that's tough. It's a tie between Hillary Hahn and Yoko Shimamura (I know Yoko is technically a composer. Shut it, I like her)

Song stuck in my head: Wii Sports theme

Other blogs: [redacted]

Followers: 292 (holy shit 😳)

Following: 131 on this blog, 300+ on my side blog. It gets a little crazy over there

Amount of sleep: 4-5 hours. 6-8 if I'm lucky. My school is really competitive y'all

Lucky numbers: 239, 42

Dream Job: Musician in the New York Philharmonic. They're one of the best orchestras in the world, fite me on this m8

What I'm wearing: Black jeans, Black and White striped shirt, pink jacket, mismatched Pokemon socks (one has pokeballs and the other has a Meowth), Glasses

Favorite food: Any type of really good Italian food. The seasoning in Italian food is 👌 perfection. Also the sauces. I love sauce

Language: English, I used to live near the border so I know some Spanish, and some German

Instruments: I played piano for about 6 years, but I quit awhile back because I didn't like it. Now I've been playing violin for 5 years and I absolutely love it

Favorite song: hnn there's a lot but at the moment, probably Mr. Blue Sky

Random fact: I'm really good at video games. Something about them just clicks with me. Also whenever I eat granola bars, I always pick off the chocolate chips first and then eat those last. I don't know why.

Describe yourself in aesthetic things: notes written all over my hands, soft colors, animal crossing music, the entire scented candle section at Hobby Lobby, those huge stacks of Cheerios at Costco, finished tea mugs everywhere, various Wii music

Tagging:

@thejapanesealpaca @thisway-imagines @casualfeh @pokemagines @imaginefe @imaginetheheroes @imagine-shenanigans @feimagine @bi-cry-but-doin-alright @pansexualshavemorefun

I don't know who else to tag, and I don't want to bother anyone who's already been tagged so that's all I've got. Thanks for tagging me Lilo!

#not an imagine #mod eirika #no matter how much music i listen to #wii sports theme will not leave my head #please send help

[shewantedtobeasecretgirl]

7. Bass is heavy a.k.a. useful finger techniques, Dee Dee Ramone’s yelling and helpful octopuses

„Damn, I forgot Sly and Ethel in the van!” she groans and slaps on her forehead.

“No problem, I bring them with the next round.” Scully offers and disappears in the hallway that leads to the backdoor. I have no idea who Sly and Ethel can be but I don’t want to know it either… Now that she’s been left alone she tries to push the carriage trolley with the amps to its place on the stage. With little success. But her fight with the gear twice as heavy as her reminds me of a scene.

“Old woman!” I call her.

“Man!” she corrects me still pressing against the load at full strength. Okay, she passed the test again but that’s not a big deal, Monty Python’s Holy Grail basically became a mainstream movie by now, anybody could quote a few scenes from it. Okay, not everyone, none of my former girlfriends was familiar with absurd humor and neither is Amber. I got her to watch it with me but I gave up the mission and turned off the video recorder when she asked for the third time how much time was left of it. It’s just not for her.

“Okay, Dennis, where’s my cow?” I inquire while I’m helping her win the battle; otherwise hours later, the amps would still stand in the middle of the stage and our crowd would enjoy her hopeless struggle instead of the show.

“Are you deaf? Or just concentration problems?” she asks harshly, avoiding my glance and trying to ignore my intervention but her rush moves uncover the surprise she might feel about it.

“Hey, it’s not easy to talk with you, do you know? I asked you about something, I even emphasized my lack of information using a different tone, in grammar text books you can find the encyclopedic explanation in chapter “Question”.” I draw a question mark with my index finger in the air. “The next communication panel is the so-called “answer” in which you satisfy my need for details…” I gesture the quotation marks too.

“I won’t satisfy you in any way, excuse me…” she cuts me off and even tosses me away a bit as she steps dynamically to the monitor board to plug the cables into it.

“I’m just trying to ask where’s my…” I don’t need to finish the sentence since Scully arrives back with Dave’s stage prop, holding my cow under his arm.

“And I was trying to refer to the fact that we take care of Ethel and Sly.” she nods at the two mascots.

“Ethel?” I blurt out frowning. This chick isn’t sane, she was serious about searching for a name for it… “Since when has she been called Ethel?”

“Actually her name has always been Ethel, you’ve just never asked her about it.” she fixes her glasses with a wiseacre face. “She was quite unhappy, did you know that? I caught her searching for numbers of slaughterhouses in the phonebook as she wanted to volunteer to be a steak ingredient, no wonder knowing you. But when I told her we were traveling to Texas soon she immediately changed her mind. Now she wants to be the spokesperson of the anti-rodeo movement. A little care makes wonders.”

Her fantasy is quite intense, I have to admit.

“So you’re obsessed with stuffed animals?” I ask leaning against my Marshall and watch her wiring the stage with quick moves.

“…asks the guy who keeps one on his amplifier…” she mumbles darting at me for a second and raising one eyebrow. “What are you doing here, anyway? Are you supervising me or what? As far as I know I’m an unbearable person who makes the others admire her and uses her family ties…”

Nice attempt but not enough to distract me.

“…and who told, ahem, yelled at me that I should get to know her better, that’s what I’m trying to do right now.” I continue the sentence. “So tell me, Judith, how many stuffed animals do you have exactly? I bet there are a few ones in your bedroom… my first estimation would be somewhere between five and ten.”

“Oh yeah, my bedroom. Damn, you’ve got me… First of all there’s that huge teddy sitting on my bed, how did you figure it out? Then there’s the bunny in the armchair, the cute seal on my desk and my stuffed pony and unicorn collection, I gave up counting them a few years ago. And I have to mention that everything in the room is very pink and very fluffy. Do I meet the profile you created about me?” she bats her eyelashes.

Clever, but not clever enough to drive me to the wall.

“Actually, when I asked you about stuffed animals I was talking about stuffed animals. Like, dead animals which are stuffed. I mean, I could totally imagine a few stuffed bats, snakes and rats hanged on your shelves full of mysterious ingredients for occult purposes. Candles arranged on the points of a huge pentagram, right next to the coffin-shaped bed…”

“You left out the voodoo dolls. I have a bunch of them, the latest one I prepared wears denim pants and a Luv Co shirt tucked into them…” she approaches threatening me with a jack plug and for one second I think she’s about to stick it into my eyeball but in the last moment she changes direction and plugs it into the matching slot of the amp. I acknowledge, she didn’t need much time to know her way around our gear… But come on, even a chimpanzee can be trained how to put different solids into the right holes, she’s on the level of an average lab monkey. “But how come I turned from a nun into a witch in one single day? You’re pretty much inconsistent at insulting, Gossard…”

That makes sense. I open my mouth to cite the witch hunt scene from the mentioned movie but Scully intervenes in our conversation.

“Guys, if you go on like this I’ll claim payrise from Eric…”

“For what? How do you mean it?” she turns in his direction with hands on hips.

“Conflict management bonus.” he shrugs casually. “Seriously, could you just stop for a moment? For just a few seconds, I feel like I was at a fucking dogfight.”

“It was him who started it!” she exclaims outraged pointing at me.

“Don’t look at me, I don’t know what she’s talking about.” I play dumb raising my hands in front of me.

“Jesus, you’re hopeless. Forget the stopping part, I just want the money.” Scully shakes his head resigned.

“Money? What money? I don’t know what’s going on here but I want money too.” Smitty enters in the company off Dave, Karrie and Jeff.

“When did everybody get so greedy? Actually, it is you who should pay me for my show, I’m the only one who keeps you entertained in this boring touring life.” I smirk as I begin to tune my orange Les Paul.

“As for me, I prefer boredom by all means.“ she rolls her eyes and begins to flipping through her notebook.

“Hey, Judy, we have a few spare hour after the soundcheck and I thought… I thought we could begin your bass guitar lessons.” Jeff scratches his nape holding his other hand deep in his pocket. Awkward loverboy alert… I pull a few steps away because I’m not interested in this embarrassing lovey-dovey but I also try to stay within earshot. Not that I give a shit about it, it’s just better to keep up with the sequels.

“Sure!” she smiles. “I mean, Karrie, do you have any plans for the rest of the afternoon? If you don’t, we could…”

“Beth wants to do some shopping, I forgot to mention it… so I’m going with her. I wanted to ask you too but I have a mind like a sieve…” Karrie answers suspiciously quickly.

“Oookay, then why not?”

“Your place or mine?” Jeff asks not noticing how ambiguous he sounds.

“Jesus, Jeff, you don’t waste your time, straight to the point…” I throw in, which makes the others stop staring them and suddenly everybody pretends to be busy with their work to hide their grins and snorts.

“There’s that small park near the hotel, what if we go there?” the target person of the courtship tries to ignore my remark but can’t disguise the tremble in her voice.

Clever, again. She picks a neutral place. Cautious enough not to show her closest surrounding and smart enough not to get in awkward situations. I mean, boys’ rooms tend to be quite messy, the mixed smell of sweat and deodorant for men, not to mention the stinky sneakers and boxers left on the bed…

“Great. I’ve already mapped out which things I want to show you first.” Jeff goes on enthusiastically and more awkwardly if it’s possible at all. I see Dave’s shoulders shaking as he kneels behind his bass drum to fake-fix its pedal.

“Let’s begin with the basics, I only learnt the most common chords to be able to play some accompaniment to campfire songs and nursery rhymes.” she insists on keeping the conversation under control but Jeff doesn’t seem to cooperate.

“I can teach you a few useful finger techniques.” he exercises the fingers of his bear paws with sincere innocence in his eyes but at this point everybody cracks up; even his future music student giggles bashfully.

“What’s with everyone?” he looks around confused. “What’s so funny?”

“You should… have… heard yourself...” Scully hiccups as he and Smitty collapse of uncontrollable laughter onto each other’s shoulder.

“Oh yeah. That conversation was… juicy.” Dave adds winking and doing unmistakable moves with his hips and arms.

“Oh fff…” Jeff buries his face into his palms replaying the scene in his head. Dave steps to him to pat his shoulders a few times.

“You know what, Ames? You shouldn’t talk so much about what you’re going to do. Just… do it.”

***

“So what’s your plan with that skateboard?” Judy asks while we’re walking in the park searching for a remote place. She hasn’t come up with that awkward conversation yet and I can’t be grateful enough to her for that. I don’t know what happened to me, usually I’m not that clueless type… I was probably way too much focused on the possible outcome of this day. If can I stick to my plan, I’m going to ask her out in like one hour and I have absolutely no idea what she might answer and that drives me crazy. Cool down, Ament, don’t act like a junior high school student before his first prom…

“Uhm… I know it sounds surprising but I thought I could skateboard here…” Aaaand in the category of meaningless answers, the Oscar goes to… drumbeat… Jeffrey Allen Ament, Big Sandy, Montana!!! “Plus, I thought if being a qualified musician, you found the class boring, we could spice it up with some physical challenges… like… you should play bass lines while rolling and balancing on this skateboard. And if it was still a piece of cake for you we could search for a skate park with half pipes and you could even do somersaults and flips.”

“I don’t know… I’m not an athletic type… I’ve only tried to ride a scooter once in my life. Mary Sue Kellerman, my classmate lent me hers on the playground when we were second graders. She explained and showed me how to do it but somehow I didn’t feel the technique, I stepped on it, drove it a few times and enjoyed the speed so much that I forgot to drive it again.” she giggles.

“And… what happened?”

“Seeing I was slowing down she yelled after me like ”Drive, drive!” but I felt paralyzed, I pulled up gradually and ended up tumbling from a standing position…”

“Poor you! But my first skateboarding attempts weren’t glorious either and I still collect a few injuries when I decide to learn a new trick. But I fell in love with it at first… try, and I never want to give it up.”

“You could be a cool, skateboarding grandpa who shocks the youth!”

We find a calm, trellis-like corner and settle down still discussing the same topic. Unlike most girls I know, she doesn’t mind it at all and when I tell her how my father convinced me to build my own skateboard instead of buying that expensive Stacy Peralta board, she turns out to know him. I can’t believe my ears when she mentions Tony Alva too, I mean, who’s this girl?

“And how did you pick up how to play the guitar?” she nods towards the bass on my lap.

“Believe or not I took a few lessons… But they were boring, at least for me, no chords, no songs, only scales…”

“Scales are important!” she corrects me. I always forget that she’s pretty conscious as for music which isn’t typical at all in the band.

“What can I say… I grew up listening to my uncle’s records and as I could spare some money I spent all of it on ordering music magazines and vinyls. And when I started playing bass I figured out how to use my stereo vinyl player to learn Dee Dee Ramone’s parts.”

“I love them!” she exclaims.

“Really? I mean, you know a lot about music and punk songs aren’t very sophisticated concerning the musical part…”

“But that’s the best in punk. Even if you’re not very talented technically you still can play a bunch of songs… or if you can’t, you can still reproduce Dee Dee Ramone’s totally out-of-rhythm “one-two-three-four” yelling. And most punk songs operate with the classic scale degrees. Ramones also use the holy trinity of tonic, subdominant and dominant like the greatest composers before them and…” she jabbers enthusiastically without breathing.

“Waitwaitwait, stop! I don’t have the faintest clue what you’re talking about, if you want to analyze my favorite songs to me you have to go back to Genesis to make it understandable for this Montanan jerk!” I cut her off chuckling.

“Do you mean the Old Testament or the band?” she grins. “Anyway, it’s very simple, look.”

She grabs the instrument out of my lap, disposes it onto hers and strums all strings one after another.

“Normal basses are tuned like double basses, right?“ To my nodding she names them. “E, A, D, G. So, let’s take Blitzkrieg Bop which is written in A major.” She plays the bass line of the mentioned song flawlessly and explains its chord progression in the meantime. I listen to her with dropped jaw and when she falls silent for a second, I take my bass quickly back.

“Okay, the lesson is over, excuse me but I have to go and bury myself alive.” I remark trying to keep a straight face.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t want to sound like a nerd or show off with my theoretical knowledge, I…”

“You don’t have to apologize for amazing me! But now it’s my turn to amaze you… Do you like graffiti?”

“I don’t know… I’m ambivalent… there are a few ones which look good and are also meaningful but if someone destroys a clear wall with stupid scrawls…” she frowns.

Oh. That’s not a good sign… Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale…

“I prefer the creative ones too, such as my friend from the art school. He studied photography and spent his last years with shooting the best graffiti he’s seen all across the country and Canada and his exhibition opens on Thursday in Boston. And since we have a day off right that day, right there, I thought you could join.” I utter fast with one big breath. She stares me silently for a few seconds which seem like an eternity.

“ ’Course. Cool.” she answers briefly as if she was declaring something evident. I don’t have too much time to process the positive reception since she begins to roll my skateboard back and forth with her foot.

“Your introduction made me curious, I want to try this diabolical device.”

“Haha, okay, but only if I can walk next to you, you may need a handhold.”

She steps onto the board and she rolls cautiously on the path where we got here in a few minutes. She’s too busy with balancing to notice the rest of the band approaching from the gate.

“Hey Jeff, a suspicious woman is trying to steal your baby!” Eddie shouts.

“Look, guys I’m skateboaaaaaa…” she has to circle with her arms a few times and grab my shoulder to prevent herself from tumbling.

“Carefully, Judy. You should try surfing, it improves sense of balance and falling in water is safer than concrete.” Ed recommends.

“Say yes, if you don’t want to be fired…” Mike whisper-shouts hiding his face with one hand from Eddie preventing him from hearing it, which is obviously totally unnecessary.

“I’m not a big swimmer, so…” she shrugs apologetically.

“Anyway, did Jeff force you to try it? You can answer by signaling with your eyelids…” Mike jokes on.

“No, she just turned out to be a way better bass player than me. So I’ll quit the band and she’s begun to practice before she has to take over all of my tasks.”

“Ah, I see. Judy, I warn you, you’ll have to slam-dance with me. You should gain some weight, I don’t want to kill you…”

“Ed’s right. I’m going to slap you in the face with the guitar neck a few times… I mean literally… but no offense, you can hit back anytime you want or you can land on my foot after jumps from the monitor box like Jeff does…”

Judy wrinkles her nose as she tries to follow the relay of jokes. Stone – who has stayed silent until now – flashes an evil grin and clears his throat. The well-known first signs of his moronic verbal diarrhea.

“Guys, you forgot to prepare her for the most important circumstances. But that’s why I am the band leader… Judith, you have to do some shopping. The polyester basketball shirts are essential parts of our stage look, we can’t allow ourselves losing them just because Jeff quits. And the hats… that’s a more difficult question, they look quite… unique… so I don’t think you have any other choice than borrow them. Do you have sensitive scalp? Because… nevermind, I can lend you a few bandanas to make it more hygienic. Oh, and at certain points of the shows you’ll have to strip. Jeff often drops his shirt and plays on half-naked as you could already see it, you can’t break this tradition. But you also have to keep the hat on your head, don’t ask me why, that’s the rule.”

I sway my guitar case pretending I want to hit him and in the meantime I bite my lower lip to repress my grin. Stone is an idiot but sometimes he has good ideas… I mean obviously I can relate to that plot if I can be in the crowd… Jesus, when did I become such a sexist? I’ve just asked the poor girl out and… I’d better take a cold shower.

***

“And can we see you on TV on Saturday?” I ask rolling the film with my finger back and forth on the table. When Judy called me I was selecting pictures I want to show to Krisha as reference works and I found a few ones which I have to have developed.

“Nah, I don’t think so. We’re going to be with the guys in the studio but we’re not going to be filmed with the cameras. I think Karrie and Brett will have to work with the sound staff in the control room and I… I don’t know yet, if they let me in too I’ll just watch them like a useless idiot… which I am…”

“Control room? Wow, that sounds like a sci-fi, I can totally imagine the Star Trek characters there…” I deliberately ignore her low self-esteem-powered remark. “I’ve also seen in the previews that Sharon Stone would host the show, that’s an interesting combination…”

“Yep, Eric mentioned the creators wanted a funny scene or spot with her and the band but I don’t know if they can find a common ground. They only want to play music and aren’t interested in show business at all.”

“Maybe they want to gag with their physical appearance. Like, Sharon is tall and her legs are unrealistically long whereas Eddie is short so the screenwriters may figure out a joke about him being able to walk between her legs without bowing his head.” I guess as I start rummaging the photo heaps in front of me.

“Haha, you’re evil! You have no right to joke about Ed’s height, you’re a dwarf just like me…”

“But dwarf jokes are the best ones, you have to admit it. And… what are your plans until Saturday? Have you used the tape recorder yet?”

“Noooo…”

“You’re unbelievable, I’ve said you should…”

“…borrow a guitar, I know. Uhm, yesterday Jeff gave me a bass lesson, does that count?”

“Mmmmh, Jeff Ament?” I ask meaningfully. Since Judy joined the staff I played with the idea of them getting together, he seems to match her.

“No, Jeff Goldblum… of course Jeff Ament, who else? And he also let me ride his skateboard.”

“He let you ride his skateboard? That’s how you call it? It’s that a new slang or…” I cackle.

“Shut up, I meant it literally. No slang, no obscene details.” she cuts me off severely. So typical, usually she isn’t against sex related jokes but when actual guys around her come into play, she suddenly turns into a prude spinster.

“Okay, okay, I was just kidding. I’m just surprised, you haven’t mentioned yet you two spend time alone.” Actually I’m happy for these news, not only because I think they’d click but also because in the first ten minutes of our conversation she was cursing Stone Gossard. And even if only the half of what she claimed is true, I can’t blame her; the dude must be quite obnoxious. But still, she barely mentions anyone else from the band and I’m afraid if she goes on like this, these negative feelings will spoil her tour. “And how went the skateboarding? Did you collect a few bruises?”

“Haha, not yet. I didn’t try any tricks and I was probably quite clumsy but he kept encouraging me, he’s a nice guy. And ah, as for plans, he asked me whether I want to go to the photo exhibition of his friend in Boston. The guy invited them and Jeff asked me to join too.”

“That sounds great! And what kind of photos?”

“Photos of interesting graffiti. Jeff used to draw graffiti as well, did you know that? He told me a lot about himself but not in that annoying way when one is talking and talking and isn’t interested in the listener at all… this and the fact Eric defended me and they even gave me a cake… and that Jeff invited me with the bunch… make me feel they really accepted me as a member of the crew… and… oh, shit, I have to go, we have to set off for the show! Kisses for Mom and Granny!”

“Bye, take care of…” It’s needless to finish the sentence since she hung up in the meantime.

A few minutes later, I can hear the key turning in the lock and Mom literally falls in the apartment with her heavy shopping bags.

“You should have knocked, I would have helped you if you had asked me…” I shake my head and collect the apples and small cans which rolled everywhere on the ground.

“If I can give injection to Mrs. Mueller while she’s yelling at me calling me Gestapo’s slut, I can do everything…”

“Your foundation should employ octopuses, they are strong, can use their legs independently and are good listeners. And some of your clients wouldn’t even wonder if one crawled into their home…”

“That’s sure. I ask the opinion of my boss about it.” she settles to the table staring exhausted in front of herself.

“Anyway, you’ve just missed Judy’s call.”

“Damn… I wanted to hear her voice, I literally tossed Mrs. Muller into her bed to finish earlier…”

“Unfortunately you can’t see her either… I asked her about Saturday Night Live and we won’t see her in the show… But we still could watch it together, I would show you the guys and tell everything I’ve heard about them from her. We could make some popcorn and…”

“Oh, sweetie, haven’t I mentioned yet? I… I have to work…” she suddenly gets embarrassed.

“What? In the evening? On Saturday? By the time the show begins your clients are already sleeping the sleep of the just.” I complain.

“I know, but… there’s a former colleague from the hospital who works now in a nursing home. A few nurses quitted and I thought we could use the extra money so she recommended me to her boss as an occasional substitute nurse. And I begin on Saturday.”

Great. Since when have we concealed things like this from each other? I thought we could finally have a mother-daughter evening when she didn’t talk only about the insufferable old terrorists and didn’t pass out of exhaust right after dinner… she should finally relax and I need her company too, since Judy left I’ve felt like a lonely prisoner. And that’s more important than money, we don’t starve and if I got a few jobs I could contribute to our budget too, I wouldn’t be the cripple anymore who costs them a lot.

“And why didn’t you tell me that? Is it a secret or what?”

“Effie, honey, stop pouting, please. You can record it to me and we can watch it on Sunday. And I won’t even say a word if you stop it at every single shot, I’m going to listen to every single detail about these jam boys, I promise.”

“Mmmkay…” I mutter. I don’t like this patronizing voice, I’m not a toddler, I just want her to be honest with me.

“And what are you doing? Selecting pictures?”

“Yes… nothing particular…”

If she doesn’t tell me everything, why should I, right?

#pearljam #fanfiction #fanfic #I'm too tired to proofread it properly #sorry #pearl jam #pearljamfanfic #eddie vedder #stone gossard #mike mccready #jeff ament #dave abbruzzese