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americaswritings · 2 years

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Never until now

Warnings: Suicide, throwing up, angst, hurt, fluff

Summary: When the prisoner shoots himself to donate a part of his liver, you’re there instead of Claire (1x15).

Words: 4.6k

Pairing: Neil Melendez x resident!reader (can be read as Neil x Claire on my ao3)

A/N: I wish they would have adressed Claire’s feelings after what she witnessed. It was a traumatic event and I think it should have been talked about. This is my take on what could have happened instead. I hope you enjoy!

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“Please, Boris, put down the gun”, you tried to get through to the prisoner standing in front of you, his gun pointed towards the head of one of the security men. You had always prided yourself in your ability to connect with patients, but now you felt as though your words were meaningless.

He had already made his decision, even before the moment he had sprung up and attacked them. What was even worse was that Alex seemed to support his action, his words hinting that his death could allow him to make the donation he so desperately wanted.

You frankly shook your head, feeling helpless as you tried to overtalk him. You were running out of time. You could feel the prisoner slipping away, the tension in the air growing with every passing second.

You had been trained to expect the unexpected, to adapt to every change and surprising upcoming. But nothing had prepared you for something like this, the fading chance to save someone who was about to take his own life in front of your very eyes.

“Please, don’t do this. There are other ways”, you pleaded, not caring how desperate you sounded. All you could think of was preventing what could never be undone. Your gaze shifted towards Alex, who was standing in front of you. He seemed composed, rational, the police officer in him coming to the surface.

For a brief moment you wondered how often he had been in a similar situation and how often he had failed, not chosen the right words, lost the person. But maybe there were no right words, maybe the choice had already been made and there was nothing you could do.

“Don’t listen to her. It’s your choice. You do what you want”, Alex pushed, and you narrowed your eyes at him, disturbed at his intention. “Yeah”, Boris muttered, his voice shaky but filled with determination. From the corner of your eye, you saw the prisoner move, pushing the security guard away raising the gun to his own head.

“Boris, no!”, you shouted, your eyes widening as you realized what he was about to do. You wanted to turn your head away, knew that you should, but you were frozen.

As the shot rang out you flinched violently, the horror of what had happened only slowly sinking in. Your hand came up to cover your mouth as you gagged, feeling the sudden urge to throw up.

Everything seemed to be in a blur as your heart was racing in your chest, your eyes ringing from the loud noise of the shot. Even though it was over, had barely taken more than a second, your mind was replaying the scene over and over again.

It all became too much. You turned away, your hands coming up to your temples. You grasped your hair at its roots as you paced back and forth, trying to calm yourself. You wanted to erase the memories, wanted to get out of here and pretend it hadn’t happened, but you couldn’t forget what you had seen.

Your breath had sped up and you realized you were on the edge of a panic attack when a sudden thought caused you to freeze in your tracks. What if the bullet hadn’t killed him?

The chances were slim, but you had heard of patients who had survived a shot in the head. What if there was still the chance to save him and you were wasting time? You were a doctor after all.

You ran towards his limp figure on the ground, trying to ignore your stomach twisting at the sight. Crouching down you ignored the other’s stares on you. Your fingers came up to feel for a pulse and the contact send a shiver down your spine.

“He still has a pulse. We need to get him up right now!” You turned towards the men, disbelief written on your face as they didn’t react. How could they just stand by and watch? “Alex!” His eyes locked on yours. But your voice, now firm and authoritative, seemed to have an effect, because he finally sprang into action, calling for a gurney.

You knew he didn’t do it, because he thought there was a chance for the man to survive or because he thought he deserved it. He only did it for you.

But his reasons didn’t matter right now. You had to move fast, get all the help you needed and try your best to save the prisoner’s life. It was all you could do after you hadn’t been able to stop him.

It didn’t matter what he had done or what you thought of him. It was your job. You had sworn to save lives and that was what you would do.

You were too focused on the man in front of you, his weak pulse under your fingers to notice what was going on around you. When you looked back up someone had brought in a gurney. You figured Alex must have paged someone to come down.

“Come one!”, you urged the security men, and they finally followed your command, helping to get the man up on the gurney and rolling him towards the ER.

You didn’t know where you took the strength to keep going as you raced through the halls, your heart hammering in your chest. Finally you reached the ER, people looking up in shock as you wheeled the man in.

“What happened?” Jared and a team of doctors came rushing towards you. You opened your mouth but couldn’t bring yourself to say the words out loud.

Alex’ gaze fell on you as you stayed silent. “He shot himself”, he told Jared, and you watched as they moved around the man, hooking him onto the monitors.

The sound of the heart monitor filled the room, a shrill sound to your ears. “He’s flatlining”, Jared announced, moving to start PCR, but Alex held him back. “He’s dead and he has a donor’s card. We’re gonna take everything he can donate.”

With that he turned away, leaving the room and Jared and you starring at each other in shock.

You felt numb as you watched the scene in front of you. Someone had turned the heart monitor off and you felt grateful for the silence, but it reminded you of the shot. The memory had started playing in your mind again now that it was slowing down. The adrenaline was leaving your body as you realized it was over.

“I am sure you did everything you could”, Jared told you, his eyes earnest as he patted your shoulder in a way to comfort you. You didn’t say a word, not knowing if you could agree with him.

Had you done everything you could?

Shouldn’t you have seen it coming long before you had guided him towards the prisoner’s transport? Hadn’t all the signs been there? You had been to blind to notice them, too influenced by Alex’ comments on how Boris would use every opportunity to escape and use it for his own good.

Jared squeezed your shoulder slightly before hurrying out of the room. He was probably on his way to the OR, hoping to be able to assist Dr. Melendez to save the little boy’s life. At least something good would come out of it. The boy would get a second chance, a new life.

But you couldn’t think of that right now, couldn’t bring yourself to join the surgery when you had watched the man take his own life just moments ago. Even if he had been a bad person, it felt wrong.

You hoped Dr. Melendez wouldn’t question your absence, but frankly, you didn’t care. Your shift was nearly over anyway and afterwards everyone would be enjoying themselves during the hospital’s ball. They would forget easily.

So you shuffled towards the locker rooms, stopping at the restroom when the sickness returned. You couldn’t remember the last time you had thrown up, the bile leaving a bitter taste in your mouth. You washed it away with water from the sink, splashing cold water onto your hot face.

When you lifted your face, you nearly didn’t recognize yourself. You looked pale and exhausted, your eyes were bloodshot. Your hair was sticking to your face and sweat was covering your forehead. Your eyes widened when you noticed red traces on your scrubs, another wave of sickness sending you rushing to the toilet once more.

You had been covered in blood before. It came with the job, especially the shifts at the ER, but you had never felt so repulsed by it before. The mere look of it made you grip onto the sink, your knuckles turning white as you gasped for air.

You thought back to Alex, how collected he had been, calm even. He had been eager to assist the transplantation, even though he had been a witness to Bori’s death, his suicide, just like you had.

You figured it came with his experiences of being a cop. He had probably seen worse things countless of times before.

Right now, you wished you were more like him. What he had told Boris had been wrong, but at least he wasn’t on the edge of a panic attack, freaking out over the sight of blood stains on his clothes.

You decided you needed to shower and get changed, hoping you could make the way from the restroom to the lockers without running into someone. You really looked like hell.

You peeked out of the door, rushing through the corridors and keeping your gaze locked to the ground to avoid any eye contact. Luckily you made it to the changing rooms without any encounter.

The cold water felt like heaven on your hot skin. Even when you started to shiver, you couldn’t bring yourself to turn up the temperature. The coldness seemed to have a sobering effect on you, sharpening your senses and waking you up.

When you walked back to your locker, you let out an audible sigh as your eyes fell on the only piece of clothing it contained. Your dress.

When starting your shift this morning you had still planned to go to the ball afterwards, to have some fun with your friends and let loose. Now you couldn’t imagine being surrounded by laughter and music. Another thing that felt wrong.

But even though you didn’t want to attend the ball, you didn’t have any other option than to change into your dress. You had changed into your scrubs at home, bringing only the dress with you. So it was either the dress or a pair of bloodied scrubs.

You chose the dress but ignored the necklace and earrings you had brought with you to wear with the dress. When you wanted to slip back into your shoes, you paused, inspecting your right shoe.

“Are you serious?”, you muttered as you observed the faint bloodstain on it. Now that you had noticed it you couldn’t bring yourself to put on the shoes, so you fished for your heels. At least if people saw you dressed up like this, they would think you were attending the ball. Maybe it was a good thing, preventing people from raising questions.

You quickly blow dried your hair, hoping to make it out in time before the others showed up. You wouldn’t be able to endure their chatter and worried glances.

The noise of your heels on the hospital floor nearly made you flinch. You tried not to draw attention to yourself, yet that was exactly what you did as you hurried through the floors.

When you finally made it outside, you took a deep breath, inhaling the fresh air. It immediately seemed to ground you, allowing your breathing to calm and your heartbeat to return to a steady rhythm.

All you had wanted was to escape the enclosing walls of the hospital and go home, but now that you had stepped outside, the thought of returning to your apartment didn’t seem appealing anymore. It would be too quiet, allowing your mind to replay the scene over and over again. You didn’t even want to imagine going to sleep tonight.

But that would be a problem for later. For now, you would enjoy the night air, trying to think of nothing at all.

You didn’t know how much time had passed, but eventually you heard the dim sound of music. So the ball had started.

You wondered if someone would notice your absence. Claire and Jared wanted to go as a couple, making it finally official, so they probably would have eyes only for each other. You smiled a little at the thought. They were a cute pair.

Shaun had enough to deal with. The pure concept of a party was a challenge for him, the loud music, mix of sounds and crowd of people. You couldn’t imagine how overbearing it must feel like for him if it only took a bad day for you to feel overwhelmed by it too.

And Alex and Morgan, they weren’t your friends.

You grimaced as you imagined the triumph Morgan would feel the moment, she noticed you hadn’t showed up. Not showing up meant passing up the chance to talk to people who had influence and money. Another opponent down and she didn’t even have to move a finger.

“Shouldn’t you be inside with your friends?” You jumped at the familiar voice, not heaving heard someone approaching you. You turned, the railing you had previously leant on now against your back.

Dr. Melendez, your boss, was standing a few feet away from you. Your eyes darted over his body. You had seen him in suits before, but it never ceased your knees to go weak.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” You could have sworn his eyes had flickered over your body, taking in your appearance, but they were just as quickly on yours again that you couldn’t be sure.

“I’m not really in the mood for partying”, you confessed. “Or flattering some influential people”, you added as you thought of Morgan’s attitude. She had taken one look at your dress in the locker room this morning and had declared that it was a bad choice. That alone had told you that you had picked the right one.

She was scared of you, of your chances to get a job after your residency was over. Of course it was important to you, but you felt whenever you didn’t try to impress your attendings with your actions, you were more successful. Pretending to be someone else and acting against your own instincts wouldn’t get you to success. Even if it did, you wouldn’t want it.

Dr. Melendez, though you two weren’t on shift anymore so he was Neil to you now, raised his brow. “No, that’s not really your style”, he agreed, and you quirked your brow. “What’s my style?” He seemed to think about your words, a little smile spreading on his face.

“You’re definitely a people pleaser. You want people to like you, but that doesn’t mean you agree with everything they say. You have a set of principles you live by. If you get something in your head, it’s hard to convince you otherwise. You can be quite stubborn sometimes, which can be a good and a bad thing for a surgeon, it depends.”

“Wow, that’s alarmingly accurate”, you admitted, not being able to hide your surprise. You had always known that Neil picked up on more than he let on. He could be quiet and pretend to be indifferent, but he was observant and attentive. A good mentor.

He probably knew more about you than you anticipated.

Neil chuckled. “I know my team”, he stated, but it didn’t sound patronizing. You nodded slowly, searching his face for clues of what he was really feeling. He seemed relaxed, so you guessed the transplantation had gone well.

You expected him to leave, either heading home or to the ball but he surprised you again by walking over to stand beside you at the railing. You turned back towards it, your gaze lingering on him for a moment to try and understand why he was here, here with you, before darting back to stare into the distance like he did.

Maybe he had noticed you had been absent at his surgery and wanted to lecture you. But it didn’t seem that way. Outside of the hospital he seemed so normal, like a guy you could meet in a bar and not the surgeon you looked up to and hoped to impress.

“It’s been a tough day”, he suddenly spoke up, his eyes fixed on the skyline in front of you. “But in the end, we saved a little boy’s life. Through his sacrifice many more will live. He gave them a second chance.”

“A second chance he will never get”, you threw in and Neil turned his head to look at you, his eyes sharp. “He was a murderer. His last action might have been heroic, but he still took the lives of many innocent people.” You avoided Neil’s eyes boring into you, turning back to face the city.

“I know”, you sighed, your thoughts racing now that you thought back to what had happened. “Alex told me you were there, when it happened.” You let out a frustrated huff. Naturally he had told Melendez about it, so much for staying under the radar.

“Of course, he did”, you muttered under your breath, but loud enough for Neil to hear. You could see him frowning at your reaction. “You should take the day off tomorrow.”

You took a sharp inhale at his words, your anger growing. “And Alex?”

Neil’s frown deepened. “He’s been a cop. He knows how to deal with it.” “Right”, you let out a bitter chuckle, “Alex is the hero of the day and I get punished for trying to save someone’s life.”

You knew you were being difficult and maybe a little respectless, Neil was your boss after all, but you were too exhausted to supress your feelings and too tired to care.

You could see Neil tense beside you, his jaw clenching as he tried to calm himself. “This is not a punishment”, he stated, surprised by your intense reaction to his order. “What else would you call banning me from my job for a day?”

A cold breeze made you shiver, but you ignored it, too upset to feel the cold. Neil’s gaze shifted into something else. He looked concerned now as his eyes searched yours, trying to see through the walls you had built around yourself.

“You were a witness to something traumatic today. You will need time to process it. In your and your patient’s best interest I am telling you to take a day off.” “You think I can’t handle patients right now?” The hurt was visible in your voice, a sense of betrayal settling in your stomach.

Neil ran a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated by the way you were misinterpreting all of his words.

“As a surgeon and your boss, it’s my job to make sure you’re in the condition to treat patients. It wouldn’t help anyone, least of all you, if you made a mistake, because your head is somewhere else. But-”, he raised his finger, stopping you from interrupting.

You closed your mouth, your shoulders slumping as you waited for him to continue. “As a friend I am trying to look out for you. You have a big heart, and you care more than most. What you saw today-”, he trailed off, his eyes now soft, searching your face, “You shouldn’t have to go through that alone.”

A lump formed in your throat, the anger vanishing as quickly as it had emerged. Neil was looking at you with such affection. His eyes were gentle, but filled with pain, like he could see how much you were hurting, and he was hurting with you.

You had seen him worried before, mostly when it came to his patients and the risks complicated procedures included, but it had never been directed at you.

Never until now.

“He was a murderer”, you repeated his words from earlier, as if who he was would ease the horror of what had you seen. As if it could take away the pain. You wished it did, felt like it should, but your feelings didn’t change.

Neil’s eyes softened, a dimple appearing on his cheek as he curled one side of his lips into an empathetic smile. “But he was still a man, taking his own life in front of your eyes. It’s okay not to be okay right now.”

A tear escaped your eye and you quickly brushed it away, wanting to keep as much of your dignity as you could. The evening had already been an emotional rollercoaster so far, crying in front of your boss, who you had a hidden crush on wasn’t something you wanted to add to the list of things going wrong.

“It wasn’t your fault. From what Alex told me, he had already made up his mind. No one could have stopped him.” Neil’s voice was gentle, but firm. He seemed to know how much you needed to hear those words, how the regret nibbled on you.

It seemed like he always knew exactly what to say, even if you didn’t want to hear it at first. He had been right earlier, he really knew his team. Knew you.

“We lose patients all the time. It’s always hard, but this-”, you bit your lip as your voice wavered, “it’s different.” Neil listened attentively, nodding in understanding. “You should consider talking to the hospital’s counsellor”, he suggested, and you immediately tensed.

“Knowing when to ask for help is not weak, it’s a sign of strength. You should give it a chance or talk to someone else about it.” You considered his words, knowing he was right. If it had been someone else, you would have told them the same thing. Why was it so much harder now that it came to yourself?

“You’re used to putting others first, but you have to look out for yourself just as much.” Neil’s eyes were locked on yours, his stare so intense that you wanted to look away but couldn’t. It was as if he could see right through you, as if the walls you had built around yourself didn’t apply to him.

You shivered as you wondered how much he could really see.

“I’ll give it a chance”, you muttered weakly, and Neil responded with a smile. “Let’s get inside.” He offered his arm to you and your eyes widened a little in surprise. “I actually didn’t plan to show up”, you confessed, letting out a nervous chuckle.

Neil raised his brow, his eyes darting over your dress, and you felt yourself blush. Hopefully he couldn’t see it in the dark which was surrounding the two of you. “I didn’t bring anything else with me and I needed to get out of my scrubs”, you explained, and his eyes darkened for a moment as he understood.

“It would be a waste not to dance in that dress”, he claimed, a playful smile on his lips. You immediately felt lighter, the sudden change of atmosphere a nice welcome after the heavy conversation. You shook your head, a shy smile stealing its way on your lips.

“No, I can’t go in there”, you insisted, still smiling. You didn’t want him to miss out on the party because he felt guilty for leaving you out here.

Neil pretended to pout, thinking over how else he could convince you. “One song?”, he asked, hope in his voice and you grimaced. “Sorry.” He let out a sigh, reaching out and placing his hand on your lower back.

You were too surprised to protest as he guided you towards the building, the sound of the music growing louder the nearer you came. “What are you doing?”, you stammered, panic creeping into your voice.

You hadn’t taken him for the guy to care, if you attended the ball or not. But just this morning you had chatted the others up over the ball. He had proven how attentive he was, so he probably remembered your previous enthusiasm.

It seemed like he didn’t want you to regret missing out on it later, but he wouldn’t force you. Right?

A moment later his hand was gone, and he stepped away from you. “You said you don’t want to go inside, so we’re taking the dance outside.” He extended his hand, waiting expectantly. You eyed it suspiciously at first, disbelief written over your face.

“One song?”, he repeated, and you felt yourself melt under his hopeful gaze. “Okay”, you agreed, taking his hand and stepping forward to meet him.

He gently placed his hand on your lower back again, reaching your intertwined hands upwards to guide you to the music. You placed your other hand on his shoulder, keeping a reasonable amount of distance between the two of you.

The music sounded muffled, but it was loud enough for you to recognize the song, vowing to remember it later.

Someone could have seen the two of you, but Neil didn’t seem to mind. So maybe you were interpreting too much into it.

You had never been so close to him before and you couldn’t deny that you wanted more, to close the remaining space between the two of you.

As you swayed to the music, both of you caught in a comfortable silence, you wondered if this meant as much to him as it did to you.

He probably always danced with his residents at the ball, nothing more than a friendly gesture you told yourself, though Morgan was the only other woman on the team except Claire, who was taken, and you couldn’t imagine them dancing together. Didn’t want to imagine it.

Not possible, you reminded yourself. But in nights like these, when Neil let his guard down and showed you how much he cared, you couldn’t help yourself and hope. Hope that there was a chance he might feel for you too.

It was desperate, but it was thrilling all the same. A dream out of reach and yet so close. You inhaled his scent, a smile forming on your lips as you decided that no matter what this meant to him, you were grateful that he was here with you.

Neil caught your smile, responding with one of his own. “You look beautiful by the way”, he whispered, and you nearly choked on air. A part of you pushed you to play it down, brush it off by pointing out your flaws. But you stopped yourself, choosing to accept his compliment instead.

He spun you around and a surprised giggle left your mouth, making him laugh. It was a beautiful sound, one you weren't used to. He was always so professional during shifts, keeping his emotions under control. So when you got a hint of what he felt underneath all those layers, you couldn't help but marvel at it.

Never had Neil looked at you with such an intensity behind his eyes, such fondness.

You knew the song would come to an end, night would fade into dawn and a new day would begin. But what had happened between the two of you tonight meant more than you could put into words.

After everything that had happened today, he had managed to make you smile and enjoy yourself, even if it was only for a moment. You knew the next few days would be hard, beginning with the moment you stepped into your quiet apartment and were left alone with your thoughts and memories. But with him there to support you, it didn't seem as scary anymore. As hopeless.

You dared to catch his gaze once more.

Never until now.

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