#me: ''no I'm an adult I'll make my own financial mistakes.''

[queen-mihai]

Hi I know that this may seem out of place. But at what point in your life did you begin to feel stable/adult. I often times have conflicted my feelings of gender discomfort or writing with these beliefs. Because of this I have abandoned myself to a point where a stranger now lives in my body. Have these thoughts ever bothered you?

Hmm🤔

This is an interesting question. I suppose it's rather gradual. And there's never a feeling really of being "there".

You always feel kinda like you're faking it in a way. People really are telling the truth that nobody knows what they're doing. Everybody's making it up as they go along

And one thing that we all eventually find is that no one can do this alone. I work as an engineer. I work in the field with machines that don't move, meaning I have to go to it instead of it coming to me.

That means that I not only have to be an expert at math and designing and troubleshooting, but also logistics. I need to figure out schedules and times and make phone calls so people know who I am and what I'm doing and if it's going to affect them.

But like that didn't happen suddenly all at once. The reason jobs measure *years* of experience, is that it genuinely takes *years* to get used to the type of things adults have to do just getting around.

My boss doesn't want to have to come pick me up to bring me to work. The regional manager I work for would suffer if every time I ran into a problem I came asking him what to do. I wouldn't have gotten this job if I hadn't been doing the stuff I do here for years already. But I didn't start by doing this much. I started in my career just kind of accepting assignments that needed to be traveled for. They might have come once every 6 months in my early career. But I jumped at them because I wanted to get out of the office and I thought that part of the job was fun.

Eventually employers got used to that idea and they sent me out more. "Oh Mihai will take care of that. She loves driving around. And with her doing that, we can have some of the other engineers do something else"

Eventually that grew into enough that I could add it to my resume and really take it on as part of whatever job I got next. Etc etc etc until the job I have now doesn't HAVE an office; I'm pretty much forced to demand a company vehicle, and I spend practically half my life living in hotels.

Regarding feeling stable, that's more a job of meditating and feeling good about being *you*.

I don't feel like the world is stable. I don't feel like people's opinions of me are stable. The political, corporate, financial, and climate world is unstable. But I know who I am, and how I make decisions. I know I'm always going to be honest about how I feel, if I am proud of my work or if I made mistakes, and I'll always try to communicate. I know I work really best alone, but I love being around people. I know I'm a leader and people tend to do what I do, so I try to do the right thing always. That's what makes me feel stable. I'm stable in myself, no matter how unstable the world is around me. And that consistency of personhood provides an anchor from which other people can latch on and help find themselves too. (Because you're not me, but you can use me to find what similarities and differences there are between us, and thus, paint a clearer picture of your own personal image)

I don't know how much I can help with the "abandoning yourself" part.

Part of what hurt me previously was being involved in a very destructive relationship. Once I left that relationship, it became much easier to construct *me*. Maybe that's not what you have going on, but it may be worthwhile to take a look at your environment and see if there's something making you feel like you can't grow into the person you want to be.

In any case I wish you well. And I hope you find your place. What I can say is that there's no finish line; there's no race; there's not even a path. There's just decisions you make every day. They're all important and none of them are important. But what IS important is that you see that you're not waiting to start your story. You're in the middle of it right now. Please know that you are loved, and very cool, and I especially appreciate you for sending such an interesting ask 🥰

Peace ✌️ ❤️

[gaylienn]

My favourite things of April

It's time again to talk about the media and stuff that I consumed and liked in april (doesn't mean it all got released in april.) April was a lazy month for me, spent the beginning being home sick, spent the rest not doing too much else...

Next month I'll probably also watch something that's not kdrama (don't quote me on this tho)

TV shows

Twenty Five Twenty One

(I will discuss some spoilers, including the ending, skip if you plan on checking this out blind) (also i wrote this in the beginning of the month and its really long and im not going to go through it again so feel free to skip either way) So I originally debated talking about this in my post from last month, because I watched most of the show during march, and the last two episodes were released 2nd and 3rd of April. But I decided to talk about it here, with time to think about it. This show was special, the ending was super controversial, most people hating it. It wasn't my fave, I think I'd liked it better maybe if I was aware from the beginning that the show's relationships were only temporary. I don't think it would've hurt the story. This show is a coming of age youth drama bordering on the melodramatic. Don't be fooled by places that call it a romcom. The romance is an important part of the show, but you'll be disappointed if you focus only on the romantic relationships, it's so much more. Our five main characters are Na Hee Do (Kim Taeri) a high school fencer, her rival and national fencing star Ko Yoo Rim (Bona), Baek Yi Jin (Nam Joo Hyuk) who was forced to leave uni after his family went bankrupt due to a financial crisis, Ji Seung Wan (Lee Ju Myung) the high school class president and Moon Ji Woong (Choi Hyun Wook) the popular boy as school and Seung Wan's childhood friend. Na Hee Do dreams of becoming Yoo Rim's rival, and after her own high school fencing team has to close down due to the crisis, she decides she wanna transfer to Yoo Rim's school. The show focuses on youth, becoming adults, fencing, first loves, overcoming tough times, etc. Hee do and Yi Jin's relationship is so so good in this show, and the first 3/4s of the show is just pure friends to lovers. Hee Do and Yoo Rim's rivalry was great to follow too, and the show managed to give screentime and focus to all five characters in a meaningful way. I feel like I'm rambling, I'm never clear in these kinds of posts lmao The show takes place in the late 90s, early 2000s (I love the retro of it all), and it's told through Hee Do's diaries of the time, which Hee Do's daughter is reading in the present day (2021) Many were not big fans of this part of the show... It's not pulling it's punches about reality, time and how friendships (especially from your youth) can fade. I don't think this is wrong to portrait, I think it's nice to just be aware of it, and not hoping for the perfect ending for our characters. I too have friends I lost contact with, who I don't meet up with, even though at the time it felt like what we had would last forever. That's life... Whether or not the show could've handled this better, is up for debate. I don't have the words to discuss that, but if you're planning on watching this show, have tissues ready lmao. ANYWAYS. I loved the fencing drama in this show, I loved following these characters work on themselves, following their dreams, becoming their best selves, being young adults, making mistakes, standing up for themselves and their beliefs, learning to smile during tough times, working towards a better future. I think the acting was phenomenal, I cried and I laughed, I've listened to the soundtrack on repeat since. Kim Taeri is still one of my favourite Korean actors, and Nam Joo Hyuk did phenomenally in the role of Yi Jin. I kinda wanna fence now... Even if the ending wasn't my favourite, this show was still one of my favourite things of april (and march)

My Country: The New Age

Oh boy. This one has been on my list for some time, and I actually for some reason thought it was a movie, but turns out it's a full 16 episode season. Anyways.. This shit was right up my alley. It takes place way back during the end of 1300s i think? (my knowledge of Korean history is still limited) during the transitional period between the Goryeo dynasty and the Joseon dynasty. Some characters and events are based on real history, but a lot of our main characters are made up for this drama. We follow mainly two young men who are childhood friends turned.. not enemies, but adversaries? due to a misunderstanding, the times, the social ranks, political drama, you name it. It's very angsty (which I love) and a bit of a tragedy. On top of the nice acting and the drama, this show is also just filled with beautiful sets and beautiful costumes. Even during the most emotional scenes, i still found myself just admiring their outfits lmao.

Taxi Driver

The premise of this series is just amazing, our main character Kim Do Ki (Lee Je Hoon) is the titular Taxi Driver, he is part of a little group of avengers (no not that kind) for hire, that take on clients who have reached a point in their life where they're often pushed towards suicide, due to traumatic events caused by other morally reprehensible people. The show touches on various kinds of awful behavior, from high school bullying to serial killing. It was honestly quite satisfying to watch some of these revenge calls in action, not gonna lie. Parallel to this story we also follow Prosecutor Kang Ha Na (Esom) who ends up investigating some of the same crimes that the revenge taxi crew is working on, and the two sides (the law and the... vigilantes??) obviously clash at some point due to their somewhat similar goal... Listen, this shit is good, just take my word for it.

TW for suicide and abuse (emotional, sexual (not explicit) physical, torture etc) violence & blood

Film

Close-knit

This one has ALSO been on my list forever, finally sat down and watched it. This Japanese film is a touching story about an 11 year old girl, Tomo, whose mother is mostly gone in her life. Her uncle takes her in for the time being, and there she meets her uncle's girlfriend, Rinko, who's a transgender woman. Here she's being taken care of and shown love that her own mother seems to not have shown her much of. The movie is simple and sweet, but not a fantasy. It's loving and supportive, but also at times hurtful and sad. It doesn't fall into awful stereotypes, and it's very frank and open about Rinko's transition.

Jujutsu Kaisen 0

We were finally allowed to watch this in Denmark! Loved it, it was pretty faithful to the manga with a few added scenes and such for flavour. The story works as a standalone, but I believe you get the best out of it with prior knowledge of the anime's first season and/or the manga, even though it is technically a prequel. Animation was amazing, matched the anime, the soundtrack too. It introduces Yuuta as a protagonist, and we get to see the second years from the anime during their first year which is always nice! It's a must see if you're into JJK and if youre not into JJK then get to it lmao

Games

Elden Ring

Ayooo I finished Elden Ring. I don't have too much to add, I think early game exploration was a bit more exciting than late game exploration, some of the late game enemies and bosses were extremely tough (I'm looking at you Malenia bLaDe oF mIqUeLlA...) but I got all the trophy bosses! Thanks to other people letting me summon them hehehe 10/10 (also I've used around 20 hours of my playtime helping people fight mostly Maliketh, and it feels so good when I succeed)

#my recs #april recs #my stuff

[krshush]

[Circus music in the distance]

[Circus music getting louder]

#K.R. shush #talked to mom and in the process of explaining to her abt NWEWY's merch coming out I talked myself *into* it #mom: ''I mean I or your dad could get it like a birthday gift for you! or float you the money for it that way!'' #me: ''no I'm an adult I'll make my own financial mistakes.'' #mom: ''well you are descended from collectors on [your dad's] side. Remember when your dad paid $100 for a shirt he's never worn?'' #yeah. so. [Mario voice] Here we go~!

[we-are-inevitable]

Being the self-proclaimed Davey expert that you are do you have any Parent!Javey headcanons?

ohohoho do i EVER not have parent javey headcanons

okay so my FAVORITE trope: single dad Jack meeting and falling for Davey, who has no children.

i like it when they're pretty young; teen dad!Jack is also a personal favorite, so jack having a 5 year old at the age of 22/23 is standard for me.

ive also talked about this EXTENSIVELY with @tarantulas4davey; love you chandler <33

anyway, regardless of the backstory, i feel like the usual thing is Jack being the goofy fun dad and Davey being the serious one, but personally i just ,, think it would be the opposite? kind of?

hear me out: Jack had a rough childhood. this is canon, and i like to play around with reasons for it- family death, parent in prison, death of both parents, jack in juvie, etc.- but i feel like no matter what, his own shitty childhood would make him hypervigilant about his parenting style.

he WANTS to be the "fun dad", but he's paranoid that he's either not good enough or that his child will get hurt, and sometimes- not all the time- this manifests into a somewhat overbearing attitude.

Davey, on the other hand, is a product of an overbearing attitude like that. he adores his family, he really does, and his parents are the kindest people on the planet, but they can be a lot sometimes. they don't really get the balance between being friends with your kids and actually parenting; they stick to the strictly "parents" side and, because of this, david doesn't have the best relationship with them until he's an adult himself. their relationship isn't bad by any means growing up, though; it's just hard to relate to them.

therefore: Davey makes a conscious decision to be the "fun" parent. it's a lot of work, because he's naturally more introverted, but Dad!Davey is spontaneous and exciting and down for anything, really. not to day he can't be serious, because he can, but he grew up with seriousness 24/7 and wants his (step)children to have a fun, happy childhood.

basically, Jack and David want one thing: to give their child the childhood they never had. Jack never had a stable, serious environment, and David never had the chance to be a kid, make mistakes, and have fun. they balance each other our perfectly.

some more miscellaneous thoughts:

neither of them are "dad"! my hc for Jack is that he's latino, so he's either Papá or Papí- either one works for him. Davey is Aba, bc it's Hebrew for father (at least, that's what it sounds like orally; the Jewish members of my family always call their father Aba, so this might not be a universal thing, but i digress)!!

they're very frank and upfront about everything: medical history, mental health issues they struggle with, financial things; all in a very age appropriate manner, of course, but as their kid grows older, theres a shift from:

"Papí's just feeling sad today. Sometimes being sad can feel really big, okay? Big sad days like this don't really last long. I'll be okay, mija."

to:

"My doctor put me on medication for my depression last week. I'm okay, but, baby, if you ever feel like medication is something you want to consider, don't hesitate to tell me or Aba, okay? There's nothing shameful about it. We're both here for you, mi vida. Promise."

they're just so open about Everything bc they know that it's a surefire way to teach 1) open communication 2) healthy boundaries and 3) bodily autonomy

they really are the best dads they can be. they may not be perfect, but their children are loved. they really do raise emotionally intelligent little humans !! it's crazy !!

thank you so much for this ask !!!

#ask a jac ! #javid #javey #jack kelly #davey jacobs #david jacobs #newsies #livesies #newsies musical #jac's headcanons

[girlmounter]

URGENT QUESTION TO ALL MY FOLLOWERS, I NEED YOUR FEEBACK!

Okay so here's the situation. I am asking you all to please please read this through and like, maybe tell me if I made the right decision... because I feel terrible about this. I would love it if someone told me if this is correct or wrong and I should've done something else. I'm not a popular blog, so whoever this post might reach (which is not going to be a lot of people) please please take some time out to read this through. I know it's a really long post, but I really really need your opinion on this. If you don't have the time right now, maybe just reblog it and save it for later. It would also help this post reach more people. Also please check the tags for the trigger warnings.

I have been going to a therapist for about 5 months now. My mom, as you probably know by now, is narcissistic and my dad enables her, along with my mom's parents who we live with. I have no siblings, and I just turned 17. Since we live in Asia, all you desi people know how hard society is on us when we go against our parents, who are supposed to be godly figures.

So all along, my therapist, (for confidentiality's sake we'll call him Sam, 21), has been bent on making me talk to them. I dont know why. I've tried explaining so many times that talking to my mom is not an option because 1) NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE DON'T EVER CHANGE and 2) my mom WILL use all my words against me and twist them into whatever she wants and later bring them up to bring me down. You guys with narcissistic parents know this shit too well.

It's not like I haven't ever even tried talking to them, I have! I've done it so many times, with a calm tone, in the most diplomatic way possible. There were times I tried to get the point across by crying and being desperate too. There were also times where I thought anger might work out.

It never did. It doesn't. It won't, because she is not looking for solutions or for mending the bond between us. All she wants is to infantilize me and keep me under her control forever. Mom and dad both want this. They don't ever want to let me out of their sights. They don't let me out of their sights.

A very long story short, I am supervised 24/7, I don't have much of a phone, I don't have friends, I don't have any family members who would support me, I don't have much of a family either tbh. I am monitored like crazy, gaslighted every single day, lied to, manipulated like hell, and babied to the point where it's just narcissistic infantilization and not concern anymore. To them, I'm a baby when it suits them, and I'm an adult when it suits them better that way. She doesn't care about what I think because apparently I'm a liar and to all those people out there who know the smear campaigning and the flying monkeys and the triangulation....yeah. All of that happens on a regular basis. I know I'm not providing any concrete proof and situations but please believe me. Please believe me. My memory is so shot I can't remember anything and i know it doesn't work out in my favor but please please believe me I'm telling the truth...

I have made three suicide attempts, I used to cut and was very badly addicted to it, and now I don't cut, but yeah I'll be sharing the reason in a little bit. Please hold on, this means a huge deal to me. Please don't scroll past this.

So Sam never really even had a smidge of doubt that my mom might be narcissistic, and I wasn't given the benefit of doubt either. After months of research when I myself figured that it might be narcissism, I told him and he went along with it. He does believe me now. But somehow I don't feel very understood. I dont feel better after I talk to him. I feel like my problems are trivial and that I'm just not working hard enough. I feel misunderstood and I never feel satisfied. I asked him for tips to deal with crushing loneliness and panic attacks and stuff like that, but I never receive real answers. When I asked for help with my suicidal thoughts, he just said that it's never an option and that's it. That's the only answer I got. When I asked for help with cutting, the only answer I got was that if I even tried to cut again, I'd lose him.

Like. Is that really how therapy is supposed to work?

Half of the time we just while time away, talking as if we're friends and I mean, it's a paid session. We're not very financially well off right now, what with the pandemic and everything, and we're paying him 2000 INR a week. It's a lot for us because we ain't exactly rich. That's like 10,000 INR a month.

I try to talk, I'm told that I don't stop talking and don't let him speak. When I don't speak, I'm not speaking enough. I dont feel comfortable anymore in a way that I think I should be with a therapist. I have recieved more helpful advice from actual PhD psychologists who are making videos on dealing with narcissism on YouTube. I feel more understood by them than I ever have with him. So many times I have left the session crying and hours later I'd still be stifling tears. So many times I don't feel heard and I feel like if I told him something he'd be angry. Sometimes he snaps and is like way too straightforward and it just doesn't do well with me. He doesn't support a lot of stuff that I support, like anti body shaming, especially for overweight people and stuff like LGBTQIA+ too, really. I'm mocked in an underhand way if I express that I support stuff that he doesn't really like. It's not straightforward but... I can't shake the feeling.

I do sometimes look forward to the sessions, if only because I'll have someone to talk to...but that's pretty much it. I'm not getting anything out of this. He claims that no one will understand me the way he does, and he keeps comparing my life to his, which I don't like. He says that in a way he and I both very similar and he relates to me and then proceeds to tell me about events in his life. He says that I'm his favorite client and now a good friend too, but I feel like that's not how it should be. And I do make an effort to listen to him tell me stuff about his life but...shouldn't it be the other way round?

Now I'm not saying that he is a bad person. I have loads of my own issues too; severe depression, crippling anxiety, overthinking every freaking thing, I'm like 100% sure I have complex PTSD from this childhood trauma, constant pain everywhere, crazy headaches, flashbacks, nightmares, hallucinations sometimes, and major emotion repression. I'm dealing with a million and one things right now and yes that might be causing me to feel worse about this situation than I should. I admit that I'm not exactly thinking about this in a diplomatic way...but somehow it doesn't feel right, and hence this really long post.

If you're still here, thank you so much. Your reading this is doing something that means a lot to me. Truly.

He exercises a lot, and he gave me a whole schedule to follow with the meals I should eat and the exercise I should do and somehow I never feel like I'm doing enough. If I miss out I can't tell him because he always reprimands me for messing up. I dont feel comfortable about opening up and then he forces me to do that and then when I do I don't feel better.

Lately, we'd been talking about how I need to tell my parents to their face what I feel is wrong with their actions, and how without that happening there's no point to our sessions anymore. Straight up went that if I don't talk to them on this Sunday, then we're not going to have sessions anymore.

I tried explaining to him many times how my mom will never change, how I don't want to enrage them further, how I don't want to give her more information on my life that she can use against me again...but no use.

He insisted over and over again on how she has no idea what she's doing to me, and if we just talked it out, my whole situation will be fine. This is just a huge misunderstanding.

I tried so hard to make him understand that that's not how it works for her, she doesn't want to resolve things and she'll just jump at the first chance she gets to use all my information against me, but no. I tried telling him that I have talked to her before and that I also used to think that if I just told her what they were doing wrong, then they would understand and mend their ways, I mean it took me YEARS to convince myself that it was never gonna happen! I tried it so many times and everytime I fell for this trap and everytime I regretted it but he doesn't get that! At all! That they're never gonna change!

Instead of helping me get over them, instead of telling me how to move on, instead of helping me grieve over my entire childhood... he was forcing me to talk things out with them, because if I didn't tell them I would be keeping it inside me and letting that fester would be bad.

I agree that it's not healthy for me to keep things to myself, which is why I talked to him right? And the things which are troubling me cannot be resolved with them because they refuse to change their ways!

The only thing that would come out of that family discussion is me at a disadvantage and them at an advantage by having all the latest scoop on my life and then have my mom (who is a doctor who has also done a course on CBT) psychoanalyse me even more than she does now. I'd be tailed harder. It will get worse and I know it. I've seen it and I promised myself that I would never make the same mistake of opening up to them honestly ever again. And here Sam wanted me to that very thing.

And I agreed initially, I tried convincing myself that maybe it'll work out and after all, Sam will be defending me and everything (even though he did say he would support them if he found them correct) but I didn't feel good about it. I remembered that a therapist is supposed to make you feel more at ease and let you take your own time to process through things and never force a client to do something if they had doubts about it.

And so I texted him today, and I refused. He said we won't have any more sessions, but I said it's fine. Because I don't want to go to him anymore anyway. I think I would rather have no one to talk to, than have someone belittle my experiences and just overall make me feel worse than I did when I first entered the session.

There's more stuff that was related to this, and if you guys want to know something before making your judgement of this situation, please please please ask me, message me, but please just have a bird's eye view on this whole thing and tell me if I made the right decision...please.

I would really appreciate some feedback right now.

Thank you so,so much for sticking with me till the end of this post. It means the world to me, honestly. I couldn't thank you more.

#tw: narcissism #tw: narcissistic mom #tw: trauma #tw: abuse #therapist problems #family issues #tw: suicide mention #tw: anxiety #tw: depression #tw: ptsd #tw: self harm #help needed #one note a day #please help #boost this #please reblog this with your opinion below #i really need feedback #i wouldnt have asked if i didnt have to #this means a lot to me #please believe me #help #if you dont wanna comment #just please boost this atleast #surviving narcissistic abuse #narcissistic parents #narcissistic abuse #narcissistic help