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shubblelive · 2 years

Text

— SECRET ADMIRER

— summary : niki liked putting notes in her crush’s locker during high school, it felt like a safe way of confessing her feelings. now an adult and living with that same crush, she works up the courage to send just one more note.

— genre : fluff! niki's a little anxious for the first bit but it gets better

— warnings : coming out scene (goes good!), swearing, mentions of eating/food, mentions of periods, reader is afab and uses she/her

— pairing : cc!nihachu x fem!reader

— featuring: cc!nihachu, cc!tommyinnit (mentioned), cc!tubbo (mentioned), cc!aimsey (mentioned), cc!ranboo (mentioned), cc!wilbur soot (mentioned)

— pronouns : she/her

— word count : 2.3k

— note : my first niki fic ever ahh!! niki's said that she's pansexual but just calls herself bi because it's easier to explain, but i've called her pan in this fic. if she says that she prefers to just be referred to as bisexual then i'll definitely change that. reader is a lesbian in the fic, but has only just come to terms with it.

She didn’t know why you hadn’t been home a lot lately, but Niki had a sinking feeling it was her fault.

It had started with you claiming you were going for runs in the morning, then when she was usually streaming you’d claim you had too much work to do to join her. Then you started skipping meals with her, which would make her worried if it wasn’t for the fact that she’d seen you eat. Just not with her. All of those things by themselves, while disheartening, weren’t anything to lose sleep over, but then you went out in the evening and didn’t come home until the next morning without so much as a text.

You and Niki had been best friends since you were kids. You told each other everything, from when you got your first period to when she got her first boyfriend. You were a mod in her chat, though you usually joined her for streams a lot more since you’d moved in together. Normally, if something was bothering you, you’d take some time to process it before confiding in her. But it had been a week since Niki had even spoken to you in person, and three days since your most recent text, even though you slept three feet away from her.

Well, except for last night. She didn’t know where you were last night. Your car was gone when she’d gone to bed, and you hadn’t responded to her messages. When she got up the next morning, you were still gone. Or maybe you were gone again; there was a note on the kitchen counter.

Hi Nik,

Sorry about this, my phone died and I had to run out again. I’m safe I swear, so so sorry for not texting earlier. Gonna be with some friends for the next few days so you’ll have the place to yourself. Miss miss miss you.

You’d put a heart after your name, and Niki spent far too long looking at it. It wasn’t the first time either of you had done this. During high school, when one of you would have your phone taken off you by your parents, you’d get to school early and slip her a note.

She did the same, but not for that reason.

You still had all of Niki’s letters, albeit you’d shoved them away and forgotten about them now. At the time, you’d been so excited, but that was years ago. She knew they were in a box in your closet, all signed the same way. Your Secret Admirer.

It was cheesy, she knew it, but it was also safe. Any other sign-off could have been linked back to her, and that would have been disastrous, especially since your school was small. News of her sexuality would spread like wildfire, and then she could run the risk of permanently losing you.

She’d never actually talked about her being pansexual with you before. She didn’t know how to broach the subject and, after she’d started gaining a following, she assumed you’d find out from the internet. Despite the fact that she knew you would never judge her for anything, there was still that niggling feeling that telling you would end your friendship.

She couldn’t say any of this to you, though, especially since you weren’t there. She sent a quick ‘Love you, hope you’re having fun. Call me if you need’ text that you hadn’t opened, and streamed for a few hours instead, hoping to take her mind off it.

But when she finished up, she was looking for someone else to raid, settling on Tommy. As she went into his stream, she was met with you.

It wasn’t just you and Tommy. Toby, Ranboo and Aimsey were there too, and she had to hide her physical reaction to not alert the stream. She finished up her stream and resisted the urge to call you.

Why were you avoiding her?

You finally got home the next day, one of Ranboo’s hoodies on. She was sitting at the kitchen counter on her laptop, and you attempted to breeze past her with a quick hug and an excuse for needing a shower before she spoke up. “What’s going on with you?”

You looked so tired and stressed, that for a second she felt bad. She was reading too much into things, she was sure. You and her were together practically every second of every day, of course you wanted to spend some time with other people. But you sighed and rubbed a hand over your face. “I’m sorry, Niki,” you said, sounding so upset that it scared her.

She furrowed her eyebrows and you came and sat beside her. “I’ve been… I don’t know,” you shook your head, not knowing how to explain it in a way that wasn’t silly. She sat there patiently until you’d gotten your words sorted. “I’ve been trying to figure some things out lately, and I needed to be somewhere else. Don’t get me wrong, I love our place, it’s my home. You’re my home. But I think for me to kinda sort stuff out I needed to be away,”

“Sort what out?” she asked tentatively, not wanting to push too hard.

“Well, I’ve been thinking about this for a while,” you were fidgeting in front of her, and the thought made her sad. It was a nervous habit; you were never nervous in front of her. “And I wanted to tell you, but I think I just needed to figure it out before I could put it into words,”

She was trying so hard to be patient, but the longer you talked the more worried it made her.

“I think I’m…” you shook your head, not happy with how uncertain you sounded. “I am a lesbian.”

Of all the things she thought you would say, that certainly was not one of them. She launched herself at you, and you faltered. “Thank you for telling me,” she said earnestly. “I love you, so much - of course I do. I thought you were mad at me,”

You laughed and hugged her back. “No, no. I’m sorry I’ve been so shitty,”

Niki shook her head. “It’s okay. Thank you so much for trusting me with this information,” she didn’t know how grateful she was that you trusted her enough with information that could potentially ruin your life.

“Thank you,” you replied. “For being the most wonderful person that I know. I’ve been really shit recently, and I had to talk to people who kinda… understood what it was like, and I just needed to get outside more,”

You didn’t have to explain it to her, but you needed her to know that it wasn't her.

She just nodded and hugged you again. "Don't apologise for needing time to figure yourself out," she said, cheek pressed into your shoulder. "It's okay. I love you,"

"I love you too," you said, squeezing your eyes shut tightly as you held her.

After that, you were less distant. You weren't comfortable enough coming out on social media, but you'd started going on the occasional date. While you didn't stream, Niki's fanbase absolutely adored you, and you'd appeared on others' streams too, like Wilbur's, Jack's and, of course, Tommy's.

She was so proud of you, so glad you were comfortable enough in yourself to go on a date with another woman, but at the same time it made her stomach twist.

She knew she had no right to be jealous, but she couldn't help it. One of your dates had walked you to the front door and from her position on the couch, Niki saw the way you flushed as she kissed you on the cheek.

You weren't confiding in her like you would when you were dating men, but that was because you didn't want to tell her that it had been going badly.

Niki had been so endlessly supportive of you ever since you came out, but there was always the chance that she could turn around with "it's not working because it's with women."

So you both suffered in silence, but you were more or less back to your normal dynamic. Once, a few weeks after you'd come out, the two of you had been streaming, and you noticed a comment saying how cute you guys were, asking if you were dating. Neither you nor Niki commented on it, but someone else did — someone with text- to-speech.

Guys, just because Niki's pan doesn't mean she's dating every girl she streams with. They've mentioned how they're childhood friends, leave them be.

After the stream, you'd brought it up while doing the dishes. "Hey, did you hear that one TTS message earlier?"

Niki was poking around with the last of her dinner, and she hummed, not looking up.

"Are you… you know?" She looked up at you, and you recognised the uncertainty in her eyes. You rushed to reassure her. "It's okay if you are, of course! You just never said anything,"

Niki bit her lip and pushed her bowl away. "Yeah. I am,"

That was the last either of you spoke of it, but Niki felt something change between the two of you that she couldn't place.

Movie nights where you'd normally sit separately ended with legs tangled together in the middle of the couch. Times when she'd move past you would involve gentle touches as she brushed past.

You were in the back of an Uber one afternoon when you'd made your move, snaking your arm across the backseat to lace your fingers through hers.

You stopped going on dates, and Niki didn't want to be too presumptuous, but she felt like this was all practically an invitation to make her move.

But the thought of actually doing something completely terrified her. So, she did it the way she knew best.

You had been out with Aimsey, the two of you striking up a quick friendship since you'd met him on stream. She was actually the first person you'd confided in, knowing that she was a lesbian herself. They'd given you plenty of advice, and you found them easy to talk to, and he swiftly became one of your closest friends.

You shrugged off your hoodie, which had actually been one of Ranboo's that she'd stolen and collapsed on your bed. Your head hit the mattress and made an unfamiliar crinkle sound.

Without getting up, you blindly looked around for whatever it was with your hand, assuming it was just a random piece of notebook paper you'd left. Instead, it was an envelope, pastel pink with neat black handwriting on it.

It wasn't the first time you'd seen an envelope like this, but the last one had been the last year of secondary school. You slid off your bed and searched your closet for a minute before finding the rest of them. The handwriting matched — not exactly, but enough.

Hi,

I'm not really sure of the best way to do this, so please bear with me. You're my best friend, you have been for years. I can't tell you how much I value your friendship, and I would never want to do anything to ruin us.

After everything with Wilbur, I decided that I didn't want to be shipped with my friends any longer, not when I saw how people were. But when I saw that donation shipping me with you, well. It didn't feel like it did with Wilbur.

You mean the world to me, which is why I need to be honest with you.

I like you a lot. I have for a while now, but ever since you came out as gay, those feelings have gotten stronger. I guess it's because I realised I might have a chance.

I know this is a whole lot, so you can take as much time as you need. I hope I haven't ruined our friendship, and I'll be there for you in whatever way you want me to be.

Love,

Niki (Your Secret Admirer)

God, how did you not see it? You spent years copying that exact handwriting and you'd never put two and two together.

You folded the letter carefully, just as it had been before, before sliding it back into the envelope. You placed it in the box with the others and ventured down the hall to Niki’s bedroom. You could hear music playing faintly, which meant she most likely wasn’t streaming. You knocked and when you opened the door she was sitting at her computer typing a discord message to someone. You waited until she’d sent it and closed the tab until you spoke up. “Hi, Nik,”

She gave you a nervous smile, unsure if you’d seen the letter yet. “Hey,” The two of you looked at each other for a second, nervous smiles on both of your faces as you tried to think of what to say. “Everything okay?”

You nodded at her, before finally giving her a proper smile. “Your handwriting hasn’t changed much since high school, has it?”

You were rewarded with a beaming smile in return, Niki’s cheeks turning the exact colour of the envelopes she’d given you.

#mcyt nihachu #mcyt #nihachu #dsmp nihachu #niki nihachu #mcyt niki #nihachu x fem!reader #nihachu x reader #dream smp nihachu #nihachu x you #nihachu x y/n #💐 nickiii

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