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lotusthewriter · 11 months

Text

Some day, when your head is much lighter

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe

Rating: T

Relationships: Peter & Tony, Peter & Nebula, Peter & Morgan

Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark, Nebula, Morgan Stark; MINOR - Pepper Potts; MENTIONED - Guardians of the Galaxy (minus Gamora), Happy Hogan, James "Rhodey" Rhodes

Summary: As they all celebrate Tony's return home, Peter feels like an outsider.

Nebula may relate a bit too much to the feeling.

Word count:

AO3

A/N: Heads up that on AO3 the fic is split in two chapters, but here I published the whole story in one post.

I bet a fic like this exists already, but I think Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 inspired me, so I ended up writing this thingy. Well, besides my dad treating me like shit as usual, resulting in a clingy and needy author writing paternal affection to soothe their lack of it. And I once again ended up writing 5k of self-indulgent hurt/comfort.

Also kind of a salt fic, mainly because we were robbed of more Nebula and Tony - and better yet, Nebula and Peter. They all deserve happiness!!! They deserve to be friends!!! To be family!!!!

Anyway, the Guardians are buddies with the Ironfam because of Nebula, while the Rogues/Avengers should stay as far away from Tony as possible, lmao.

Please be aware of the trigger warnings listed below.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - past canonical character death, suicidal thoughts/ideation, grief, implied past child abuse and depression.

Hate will be blocked. P/roship DNI.

Parties were never really his thing.

This one is different, though.

After practically two months, Tony Stark, the savior of the universe, is back home with his family.

His real family.

Aunt May couldn’t come due to all the housing issues they’ve been facing since returning from the Snap, so for old times’ sake, Happy went all the way to Peter’s current apartment to take him to the peaceful lake house the Potts-Starks have decided to retire in.

The trip felt… uncomfortable.

Happy of all people tried to get Peter to talk, in the most awkward way imaginable. Eventually, Happy would only shoot him sad glances, not at all grumpy, until Peter quietly asked him to give him some privacy for now (of course, not rudely). The boy didn’t even listen to music while he delved into New York City. Save for new stores and buildings, for the most part it didn’t look so awfully different to the human eye.

But Peter knew better than that. He sees more than the average person did. And that’s a curse.

It certainly is with Peter here, in this party that he should actually care about.

The teen gets to see Tony with the biggest smile on his face, despite the scars and the metal arm he built himself. He gets to see Pepper and Morgan, now relieved that Tony is not trapped in a hospital bed anymore. Even the… Guardians of the Galaxy have come along, like they’ve been Tony’s friends this whole time, despite the events that initially brought them together, and those that separated them as well.

Everyone is fine.

They’re exhausted and hurt, but they’re fine, because for now they celebrate.

Peter, however, has nothing to celebrate. When he should have.

This feels like Liz’s party, but at least back then Peter had Ned with him. At least things were easier. Not better , but easier .

What makes this all worse is that everyone is trying.

Like Happy did in the car, Morgan is constantly taking his hand and grinning at him with her adorable dark eyes, trying to lure him into her antics – she’ll whisper in his ear to beg him to be Spider-Man and grab all the juice pops for her –, and then Pepper immediately finds them and she will reassure Peter he doesn’t have to do anything the little “burglar” says, so Morgan will pretend to be innocent and she’ll run somewhere else. After this, Pepper is sweet and attentive towards Peter, smoothing his brown curls like she’s always done this, like he’s been her child from the moment he was born. While Rhodey likes joking with Tony, the former is incredibly soft and patient with the boy, telling Peter he can always tell everyone to stop smothering him, half-joking, half-meaningfully. Finally, the Star-Lord, who’s apparently also named after Peter, tries to sound like his cool older brother/cousin figure, only for him to end up sounding even more unaware than Uncle Ben, since Quill hasn’t been to Earth in forever. Everyone laughs when Peter accidentally implies that Quill is an old man since he has no idea how smartphones work, for a guy that has a spaceship and everything.

Admittedly, talking to the Guardians of the Galaxy kind of helps Peter get distracted from his haunting thoughts, since he ends up acting like a guide to them, in cultural terms. So you’ll basically find a teenager showing a group of aliens – and animals (as Peter eyes the walking raccoon that does not like being called a raccoon) – random memes. Drax doesn’t get the majority of them, and he demands explanations. Honestly, nobody but Groot gets it, even if all he says is “I am Groot”.

Peter never had a chance to know these guys better, as they all had to face Thanos and save the universe, so… this is nice.

That is, when Morgan steals Peter again – as well as the blue girl with black eyes, Nebula, if he’s not mistaken – to beg him to know when they’re going to play and get the juice pops. Suddenly, all the Guardians tune in and Drax “the Destroyer” is all for doing justice for the “Iron Daughter”, which draws Pepper’s attention, Tony’s and Rhodey’s laughter, and Happy doing his best to not let chaos rule the house, even if he might be secretly laughing as well.

And Peter is just… there .

He has been just there from the very beginning and… there’s nothing left for him to do.

This shouldn’t be upsetting. Peter should be laughing with them. He should be happy that Tony is alive. He should be grateful he’s here with him and everyone else.

But he isn’t.

He can’t keep pretending.

Peter flees the scene when he’s sure no one will notice, so he’s outside by the lake, facing the distant buildings he’s grown up with. The teenager already wonders how in the hell he’s going to leave without asking Happy, because he certainly doesn’t want to cause any more trouble for them. Peter does have his homemade suit with him, since it’s a habit he’ll never grow out of, but again, there aren’t any buildings in this area, and trees aren’t exactly stable enough for web shooting. Not to mention how expensive a cab would be to leave such an isolated place.

In the middle of his overthinking, a presence approaches, somehow undetectable by his enhanced senses at first.

“You’re leaving?”

It’s… truly not the voice you’d expect.

Peter turns around to find Nebula, who observes him with a knowing look… yet not judgmental. She doesn’t look confused by him leaving, either. She just pointed it out.

He opens his mouth but he only makes weird noises instead of words, hiding his cell phone since he’s already been caught, and fidgeting nervously.

“I- I-I dunno,” Peter manages, “I just…”

The arachnid teenager truly has no idea what to say. Every excuse he can come up with only sounds more and more dickish.

Nebula hums.

“Although you smiled the entire time, and were even socializing well with others…” Her eyes are deep like outer space. “All you wanted was to escape.”

Peter bites his lip. Nebula doesn’t sound like she knows the whole truth. Once again, she just observes and wants to confirm her suspicions.

“I-I’m sorry,” he mumbles.

Nebula shakes her head. “You don’t need to apologize for wanting to escape.”

Peter frowns, looking down.

“I-I don’t want to be ungrateful, I know everyone wants me to be here and- and you’re all trying really hard to make me feel comfortable, but…”

The cyborg crosses her arms, yet again, not in a way to make him feel bad.

Peter sighs. “I just feel like I don’t belong.”

His voice sounds wet and broken. Honestly, he’s been wanting to cry the moment he stepped here.

“These past few months have been so hard for me,” the boy opens up, despite Nebula being basically a stranger to him. “I already have to deal with the fact I turned into dust and woke up five years later. I have to get home and realize nothing is the same, I realize how much I’ve lost. People have moved on from me. And yet I have to go to school and be a normal boy like none of the things I mentioned ever happened. A-And then, I almost lost Mr. Stark, and he was isolated in the hospital this entire time… the staff told me I had to be his actual family to visit him.” Peter sniffs, drying his eye with his sleeve. “And even though I know Mr. Stark and Mrs. Potts would do everything to include me in their family, I still… never went after that. It doesn’t make sense, does it? I’m hurt that they didn’t let me see him… but I also didn’t have the heart to tell them I was hurt. Not to mention seeing him in that state… I don’t think I could handle the sight.”

Peter doesn’t look at Nebula at all, though he’s aware she’s listening in silence the whole time. She seems to have stepped closer to him, but they keep a fair distance from each other. He half realizes Nebula seems to have… glitter on her face, probably thanks to Morgan. He would have laughed if he weren’t breaking down.

“Like, even the Guardians are way better at this than me! At being their family!” Peter resumes. “It’s like they’ve been Mr. Stark’s friends since forever, like they weren’t dead for FIVE YEARS or the fact that they barely know him!”

He hates how childish he sounds right now, how needy and spoiled he is for being upset about all of this; especially after just admitting that he never bothered to tell Mr. Stark what he wants.

Peter dries his tears because he doesn’t want them to be seen, to be discovered, even if Nebula looks like the best person to keep secrets.

“S-See? The problem isn’t them, it’s me,” he says, angry. “They want me to matter, but it’s pointless. I’m not worth anything, ‘cause I can’t do anything right.”

He only remains cleaning his face meaninglessly with his shirt while Nebula is quiet, maybe shocked or sympathetic, he doesn’t really know. Peter also makes sure nobody else is watching them, which thankfully seems to be the case.

Either way, the boy dries the water and snot until his eyes shut up… besides Nebula finally saying something for once.

“... you are not the problem.”

Peter frowns. “What?”

“You’re not the problem,” Nebula repeats patiently.

“Why?” He’s too distraught to apologize for the slight lashing out.

Nebula, however, is unfazed by the reaction.

“I… never had anything,” she starts. “Thanos stripped everything away from me. And when he killed half of the universe… somehow I managed to have less than nothing. But then… I had Tony.” Nebula is the one looking away, staring at the lake. “We were the only survivors.”

Peter watches her not shed a single tear.

“It only lasted a few days, but they felt so long. We were out of food and gas. Even still, he made sure to look after me. We even played games together. He… praised me. Tony barely knew me and yet… he liked me,” Nebula contemplates. “And he was going to die. I knew I couldn’t do anything… but I did what I could.”

She pauses.

“After we were saved, I thought he’d be better off without me. I knew he had a family,” Nebula admits. “But whenever I was available, I’d find myself getting repairs and updates the most carefully I have ever witnessed. I’d find myself drinking… hot chocolate. And sometimes babysitting Morgan. So… I ended up being part of his family, I guess.” She shrugs affectionately, a shy smile even surfacing there. “I never thought I’d be part of a family. The Guardians didn’t convince me otherwise, not at first. It was Tony’s.” She stops again. “It might not look like it, but to this day, I still believe I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve to be taken care of. I don’t deserve Tony loving me the way my father never did.” Now her voice is the one which breaks.

Peter watches her this whole time, without breaking down again. Nebula seems to be tough, but at the same time she’s being very vulnerable right now. She ends up letting out a deep sigh.

“What I mean is… you have every right to feel hurt or alone, or out of place. That does not make you a bad person. That is not your fault,” Nebula reassures him. “And most importantly, you deserve help for that. You deserve love.”

Peter looks at her with his well-known puppy eyes, like Tony would call them.

He wants to say something – he should, but not sure what it’d be.

The blue cyborg stands awkwardly next to him, probably feeling the same way, especially after the two of them opened up so deeply like that. Nebula likely believes that she might have not helped much, hence why she’s going back to the house without a lot of certainty (or she’s really not the best at socializing, given she’s, you know. An alien).

When she’s about to leave, Peter finally lets out:

“Hey, Nebula?”

She merely turns around.

“Th… Thank you,” Peter smiles, “for looking after Mr. Stark.”

Nebula’s expression manages to soften even more. If she weren’t a cyborg, Peter is almost sure her cheeks would be red.

She nods, not saying anything. She doesn’t have to for Peter’s grin to widen.

Now, he’s rather unsure what to do. Maybe he’ll stick out here for a while, throw rocks to the lake with his super strength and see how far they can go. He doesn’t get to decide with Morgan coming back… only she’s on Tony’s lap.

“Petey! Aunt Nebula!” The little girl smiles. “Where were you? You should’ve seen Mr. Drax falling asleep in just three seconds! Without any bedtime story!”

“Mantis had to stop the big guy before he ripped our fridge apart,” Tony explains, smirking.

“Are you okay, Petey-pie?” Morgan asks, worried.

“O-Oh.” Great, that question. Why is he so obvious? “Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Morgan.”

“It’s okay. Daddy says everyone needs some good cry every now and then. And at least you weren’t alone!”

“Yeah,” Peter sniffs as he briefly smiles at Nebula.

He feels too embarrassed to look at Tony back, knowing the older man is staring at him with those big concerned eyes of his.

Due to the heavy silence, Nebula suddenly walks to Tony to talk to Morgan, her low voice softening and even sounding playful. Just vaguely.

“What do you say we prank Drax while he’s asleep?” Nebula suggests. “We could put some glitter on his face, too.”

Morgan gasps, excited. “Yeah! He’s a Guardian of the Galaxy, so he needs to shine reeeeally bright!”

“That’s right,” Nebula smiles, picking the girl up.

“Are you coming, Petey?” Morgan wonders.

Before the boy can even open his mouth, Tony speaks for him.

“We’ll be right back at you, Morguna,” he winks at her. She returns the gesture, so Morgan hugs Nebula, who seems completely alright with the affection. When Peter first met her, he never thought the cyborg would be so sweet with children.

Only for the teen to realize, he’s alone with Tony. Perhaps the first time in so long. They feel like strangers even if Tony tries not to leave that impression.

The last time they were together… Tony was dying in front of him, and all Peter wanted was to hold onto him, because he couldn’t handle losing someone else. It had felt like losing Uncle Ben all over again, and Peter wanted to push everyone else away to save Tony, to cry and mourn, and beg him to stay, to not leave him.

Peter can only understand how Nebula must have felt when she also thought she’d lose the only person that ever made her feel loved.

Tony is back.

Then why isn’t Peter happy?

“Pete?”

He can’t even look at Tony.

Peter is so ungrateful.

“Hey, buddy… you don’t need to hide your tears from me,” the man says softly. “You don’t have to be fine for my sake, or anyone’s sake.”

Peter knows that, and it only makes him want to cry harder.

When Tony approaches him, while still not directly touching him, Peter smells wood, which is… quite new for him. That and a shampoo that screams “Dad” shampoo. However, he smells the same oil and coffee that brings Peter back to their lab days. It brings him back to the nights the boy stayed over at the Compound, watching movies with his mentor, accidentally falling asleep on the hero’s shoulder, and not realizing it until he was wrapped up in a blanket and too tired and comfortable to move. It reminds Peter of when Tony put a hand behind his neck, his fingers running through the former’s curls, as the teen was being crushed by the weight of his grief, the weight of bullying and loneliness. It reminds Peter of when he felt loved despite the entire world telling him otherwise.

Everything has changed so much now, but in the end… Peter can still find some of the old smell of home.

He’s… home.

It doesn’t look like it, at all.

But he’s home.

And he loses it.

Unlike in the battlefield, Peter rushes to Tony’s arms before anything bad happens to separate them again. Before anything and anyone can take Tony away from him.

“I’m sorry!” Peter sobs, “I’m sorry, I missed you, I thought you’d–!”

“Hey, hey, hey… it’s alright, Peter.” Tony just soothes his back up and down. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

Peter weeps, “I’m sorry.”

“Shhh… you have nothing to apologize for. Nothing, do you hear me?”

Tony sounds so incredibly patient that it only has Peter cry more in his shoulder, at this point too out of it to apologize for wetting Tony’s dad-looking sweater. Peter just buries himself in his mentor’s shoulder, wanting to be wrapped up in his home again, to feel like he belongs somewhere again. He’s missed this so damn much…

“I missed you,” Peter whispers, voice high like a child’s. “So much…”

Tony laughs wetly, squeezing the teenager in his arms, and kissing his head many times. “I missed you too, kiddo. You have no idea.”

His right arm is a little more solid than the rest of his body, but it’s still the same arms that have always loved Peter. The arachnid isn’t hugging the armor this time. They’re not fighting an evil overlord. They’re home again.

Tony just calms him down and never once complains about how long it takes. He’s willing to stay forever if Peter needs it. Truly, he doesn’t know what he did to deserve… a father like Tony Stark.

Although he’s grateful, the black hole in him aches again, absorbing his joy. That’s how his life feels most of the time.

“I’m sorry,” Peter repeats.

“Peter…” Tony sounds pained.

“N-No, I mean it. You were all doing everything to welcome me, and I just… didn’t say anything. I just left.”

Tony just looks heartbroken, his flesh and mechanical arms wiping some of Peter’s tears for him.

“I thought…” Peter gulps. “I thought of leaving without anyone knowing. I didn’t feel right staying in there. Ever since I came back, nothing has felt right, but it feels like I’m expected to live like I didn’t literally die . A-And even though you’re trying to help me feel less alone… I still feel alone. And that’s not your fault.”

His mentor looks like he’s about to hug Peter the same way he did when they reunited, only for the boy to say more.

“I-I guess I’ve always felt like this, but… I still felt like I had something, before this all happened. But now, I don’t have anything and I feel like everyone has lived on well without me. You might try to include me, but… I can see it. I see how you guys interact. How… better you are without me.” He sniffs grossly. “The Guardians were gone for five years too, but they’re having so much fun, celebrating your return. I know I should be, too. I-I’m so relieved you’re back home, Mr. Stark,” Peter insists. “B-But I don’t feel like… I’m home. It’s like I lost it. Forever.”

The boy lowers his head, staring at the dirt, the ground reminding him of his own demise. He’s stepping on it like… he belongs there.

“I-I f-feel like… like…” Peter cries, scared of Tony’s reaction, “like maybe I shouldn’t have come back.” He feels so much like a little kid. And it makes sense, doesn’t it? Peter didn’t grow up with Tony. He’s stuck in a teenage body when he should be a young adult. “M-Maybe I… I should have just stayed dead.”

With the way Tony’s hands stop gently touching Peter’s face, the latter is sobbing furiously again.

Maybe now, he should leave.

Leave and never return.

Peter never wanted to admit these thoughts to anyone, because they just make him realize how much of a horrible person he is.

When his instinct tells him to run and hide, and never – ever – return, Tony’s left hand stops him, grabbing his arm firmly but not to the point of hurting it. If anything, it seems to shake silently.

“M-Mr. Stark, l-let me go,” he begs.

“You’re not better off dead.”

Tony is quiet and gentle, yet he appears to be close to breaking down, too.

“I-It doesn’t feel like it,” Peter bites.

“I know.”

The way Tony speaks… the way he’s rubbing Peter’s arm…

The boy wants to reject it, but he can’t.

“Let me help you, Peter,” Tony quietly pleads.

“Nobody can help me.”

“That’s not true.”

“Then why hasn’t it gotten better? Why do I keep losing everyone and- and everything? Why does life just get worse every time I think it’s going to get better?”

“Because it sucks. I know it does.”

Tony is behaving a lot like Nebula right now. They both speak from experience. Only here, Tony doesn’t explain where it comes from. Maybe because, right now, it’s not the focus.

“I’m…” Peter lowers the defenses. “I’m so tired, Tony.”

“I know, Pete.”

Like this, Tony is hugging him again.

“You can rest now,” he promises.

Peter cries once again, and it only hurts even more. Yet somehow, the crying is less desperate and loud. It’s more… here , if that makes sense.

He knows more than anyone that this is not enough for the black hole inside him. Nothing is enough for the black hole.

Still… Tony is able to quiet it down.

With just this one hug.

So, Peter just holds onto it.

It's true, then. That sometimes, a hug is really all you need to know that things will be alright.

They don't even notice the time pass until the Guardians come to say goodbye, though they almost retreat in respect, seeing that Peter and Tony were having a moment. Peter is the one who reassures them it’s alright. Each of the Guardians comforts the teenager in some way. Quill even suggests they should cruise in space some of these days, whenever he feels like escaping Earth. Obviously, with the glare Tony gives him, Quill ensures that Peter will have all the resources needed, including some great taste in music, or so he says. Either way, it… doesn’t actually sound like a bad idea.

Nebula promises she’ll keep visiting as well, or at least make video calls in case she’s stuck out there. She also tells Peter to keep in touch with her whenever he needs. He smiles and raises a hand for her to shake. She returns both gestures, and hopes he gets to feel better soon.

Rhodey and Happy still stick around the lake house while the spaceship flies away, mostly so they help Pepper clean the house. Peter would’ve helped, but Morgan takes his hand to show him his room. Not her room, but… his . Tony sighs dramatically that she ruined the surprise, but he joins the duo to what appears to be an untouched bedroom.

Morgan tells him to close his eyes and not peek.

“I have enhanced senses, Morgan,” Peter gently reminds her.

“Then turn them off!”

The boy giggles. “Okay, okay.” He even covers his eyes with his free hand.

Obviously, he can’t turn his senses off, but he keeps it up for her.

The room smells… very clean.

“O-kay, you can look!” Morgan instructs him.

When he sees…

He gasps.

Besides the exact same Star Wars posters he had at the Compound – and some new –, there are hand-made drawings of Spider-Man shooting webs. They’re all signed with Morgan’s name, and some appear to include Nebula’s as well. There are a couple colored lightbulbs, red, blue, and yellow gold, hanging in the ceiling, and then… Peter notices a few pictures by the other wall, most of which feature Peter and Tony in the lab, or whenever Pepper or Rhodey were able to capture them sharing a sweet moment.

But what really has Peter laugh and almost cry again is a photo of a small Peter Parker in the Stark Expo, Uncle Ben picking him up and laughing like his nephew was his whole world. The little boy, his true identity hidden behind an Iron Man mask, is pointing his toy repulsor at May, who took the picture while she also laughed like an angel.

“What do you think, kiddo?” Tony asks.

Peter laughs more, quietly. “I-It’s… It’s perfect.”

“I’m gonna design my own suits for you!” Morgan states rather determinedly.

“Oh, I would love that, Mo,” Peter squeezes her in a half hug, making her giggle. Meanwhile, Tony is looking at his kids with the proudest gaze he’s ever given someone.

Tony eventually leaves to help Pepper and the others, allowing Peter and Morgan to interact more properly. She shows him the books, comics and graphic novels she helped her father pick for Peter. Some of them were also hand-made stories about Spider-Man and his adventures, including his antics with Iron Man. As Morgan reads them to Peter (she sits on a chair next to his bed), the latter is very much invested. He knew that Tony probably told Morgan those stories, since they were all specific and familiar to Peter. Her comics bring the biggest smile to his face.

It feels like the day will never end, in the good way, when Pepper arrives (only she doesn’t interrupt them just yet, also looking like she probably took a picture of them like this, since she has her phone in her hand) to tell them it’s Morgan’s bedtime. Tony is next to his wife with curious eyes while the woman asks Peter if he’s going to stay overnight, as Happy is ready to leave and take him home if he wants.

As he lies in his bed, Peter… shakes his head.

“I’m already home.”

Tony looks like he’s about to cry at any moment, while Pepper and Morgan smile affectionately.

“You can come home whenever you want or need, okay?” Pepper touches his hair softly again.

“Okay.”

“Now, say good night to Peter, sweetie,” she tells her daughter.

“Wait! Can I kiss Petey good night?”

“Sure you can, Mo,” Peter smiles.

Thus, Pepper helps Morgan reach his forehead, her little lips touching it like it’s precious. Peter returns the affection with a smooch on her cheek.

“Nighty-night, Petey-pie,” Morgan says.

“Good night, honey,” Pepper kisses his head next.

“G’night.”

As the two leave, Tony comes in, silently, wearing a… Mandalorian hoodie. Mainly one where he’s protecting Grogu, if Peter is not mistaken. Tony doesn’t come to kiss him good night just yet.

“She read you the stories of Petey-pie?” He teases.

Peter snorts. “She’s the only one allowed to call me that.”

“You don’t have much of a choice here.”

They don’t really engage in further with the snark competition, not as Peter holds the blanket as if someone is going to take it away from him.

“Y-You’re not going to bed?” Peter asks.

“Yeah… but I still felt like my kid needed me. Guess you’re not the only one with Peter Tingles in the family.”

Peter rolls his eyes affectionately. Even then, Tony always sounds so… certain when it comes to the boy.

“This… might sound stupid, I dunno,” Peter gulps, “but… I d-don’t wanna wake up and… lose this, y’know?”

He expects Tony to reassure him that Peter won’t lose anything… only to come across the most tragic expression in the universe.

“... me neither,” the man whispers, likely something not even Pepper and Morgan know.

Peter doesn’t know what to say… other than shyly scooting over to the side.

Tony smiles sadly.

Once again, they haven’t cuddled in forever, and Peter forgot how good it felt.

“I missed my clingy spider-son,” Tony sighs in relief.

“Like you’re not clingy yourself.”

“Remind me again who’s the one being literally stuck right now?”

“Hmmmph,” Peter grumpily replies. Tony’s laugh feels contagious.

The former hesitantly touches the latter’s metal arm, then his brown eyes find Tony’s hairless right side, burnt skin now dark red, somewhat dead. Peter wonders if it hurts.

Tony, as usual, notices.

“Hey, you’re the one who needs attention here, bud,” he reminds him softly.

Peter looks away. “It’s different.”

“And it’s still valid.”

“Y-Yeah, but…”

Peter shakes his head.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine, kid.”

“No, it’s not, I keep–”

“You keep being your best self, that’s what. And I’m very proud of you, Peter.”

The teen has lost count of how many times he’s wanted to cry today. He has cried since coming back, but never like this – maybe because Peter wasn’t even allowed to cry, or he didn’t feel like he was allowed to.

Peter clutches the older man’s hoodie, afraid of what just came to mind.

“What?” Tony questions.

The boy shrinks.

“W-When… When you…” Peter swallows. “When you snapped your fingers… d-did you want to die?”

Tony doesn’t tense at the question. If anything, he… relaxes?

“No. I didn’t want to lose Morgan, or Pepper… I didn’t want to lose you again. When I saw you crying for me… damn, kid. I felt like throwing Thanos far away to the other side of the galaxy, just to tell you I wasn’t going anywhere,” he replies, not sounding snarky in the slightest. “But there were many moments where I should’ve died. Moments where I thought… dying was the only option.”

Peter contemplates.

“What made you… not die, then?” He wonders.

Tony hums. “I never actually wanted to die.”

Something in the boy aches while hearing that.

“I was taught to believe my life was worth nothing. Even when I became Iron Man… they all told me I had to die to make peace,” Tony continues. “I still thought that when I was in the hospital. But every time I saw Morgan and Pepper, and Rhodey and Happy… every time I remembered Nebula was there for me in my darkest moment, and every time I remembered you were finally here and we could be together again… it gave me more strength than anything. It made me realize… that was the whole point. That’s the point of living. You get to live with people you love. You live to become someone you love, too.”

Peter remembers when Tony took away his suit, the way he was more disappointed than angry.

“That’s not a road that ends, nor is it an easy one. Mine began late in my life, but it’s worth every single mile.” Tony cups Peter’s face so they look at one another. “I’m sorry yours have been this bad, kiddo. I promise I’ll do what I can to help make it easier for you. I hope you get the breaks and support you need. Please, remember that you can count on us, for anything, even when it doesn’t feel like it.”

The moment Peter sniffs, Tony is cradling him like in those nights the boy had nightmares and needed to be comforted. Peter can only cling back with everything he has.

“I’m sorry,” he says either way.

“It’s okay, buddy,” Tony never gets angry. “One day, you’ll see that you don’t need to apologize for being you. One day, the emptiness will be easier, and calmer.”

At this point, Peter knows better than to get his hopes up.

But then…

Tony kisses his forehead and adds, “We’ll be here to help you see that day.”

And just those mere words seem to take away the tensions and calm the hungry, angry black hole in him.

Peter knows it’s just going to bite him back and make him question everything. But right now? He wants to believe Tony. Because it’s Tony Stark, because he’s a genius and a hero, and…

“... I love you, Tony,” Peter mumbles, muffled by the Mandalorian hoodie.

Somehow, the hero manages to hold him even closer.

“Love you too, kiddo.”

And just like before, Tony’s cuddles are the only way to make Peter sleep.

#peter parker #tony stark #irondad #morgan stark #ironfam #nebula #mcu nebula #death tw #suicide tw #suicidal thoughts tw #depression tw #grief tw #abuse mention tw #long post #fanfiction #hurt/comfort

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