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#mcrmadness' deep thoughts
mcrmadness · 7 months
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It's kinda... melancholic to keep writing a multichapter fic, something that is already 11 years old, to put loads and loads of hours into it and feeling like it gets better and better chapter by chapter, but at the same time watch how the stats keep going down chapter by chapter.
Just makes you ask yourself: what went wrong? What did I do wrong? Why is my taste on the other end of the spectrum what comes to readers' taste? Why is it that the things I hate most about my writing, the readers absolutely love; but when I am really proud of something, it doesn't seem to be anything to anyone else? It's so tricky, because I am here to write TO ME.
I love to share if it brings joy to others, but there's no point in sharing if that is not the case. I just wish there was a way to tell that before posting something, because now the only way to know is to post and then roll in self-loath because "I should have learned from my previous mistakes" but I never know when is the day I finally write something that blows up, and I will never have that if I completely stop posting. It's the same issue I always have, and it's so difficult to decide between 1. posting and getting disapointed but still taking the risk as there's a chance of not getting disappointed; and 2. not posting and living happily ever after because there are no expectations because there is no audience.
I know I keep talking about this over and over again. But the point of this post was that watching a multichapter fic, I've put so much... something (I'd say love but I don't like that word) in, just getting less and less attention just feels very melancholic. It feels like growing apart from a friend. Or when photos fade in sun by time. That's what it feels like. Not exactly sad, but a word that would fit that better doesn't exist in English (but there's one in my first language).
I guess it's again my never-ending thirst for just Knowing things. I just want to know why that is happening. I want to know what people like and don't like. I want to know if someone is reading it, and I want to know why someone stopped reading it if they did so. I don't agree with these "DON'T CRITICISE MY FIC UNLESS I ASK FOR IT" posts at all, because I DO want to know. Please criticise my fics as much as you want! You can call them shit even! I really don't know, I just want to hear the genuine opinion from everyone, and I don't mind negative feedback at all. It's still attention, and it still gives me some perspective about my work. And the next-level hater comments will just give a good laugh if something. I've never gotten them, but sometimes I wish I got anon hate somewhere just to laugh at them. You can't really upset me by negatively commenting my art of fics or whatever it is I do. I'm above that, and all that counts anyway is that I am happy with what I create.
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hanhan156 · 4 years
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Movies tag game
Thank you @sielustaja​ and @mcrmadness​ for tagging me to tell about movies. :) The other game was about comfort movies or such and the other one was just about movies in general. I’ll mix those two games and will list 7 of my favorites then. Can’t say though that they are “comforting” as I mostly enjoy thrillers/drama/tragedy genres. These are not in any particular order as it’s extremely difficult to rate them.
Atonement (2007)
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This movie is just pure beauty. Hands down James Mcavoy’s best performance ever. I have praised this movie so much already that I don’t even know what to say anymore. I just love it.
Fight Club (1999)
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I thought at first this movie is some kind of macho flick with mindless action, but oh boy, how wrong I was... I just watched this during Easter holidays and it’s a masterpiece. Made me wonder what are the reasons that keep me from doing things I have always wanted. “If you don't know what you want," the doorman said, "you end up with a lot you don't.”  
Shutter Island (2010)
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An eerie psychological thriller with a fucked up ending - perfection! I also have to admit that I adore Leonardo DiCaprio, he just gets better by time.
Cloud Atlas (2012)
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It’s a shame that this movie didn’t get so popular. It’s an underrated classic that deserved much more appreciation. One of the best scripts in movies imo - a lot of different stories wrap up nicely in the end and it doesn’t end up messy. “Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.”  
Jarhead (2005)
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Yup, I have to admit that I like war movies a lot - especially those ones in which the inner life of characters is explored instead of just cool killing scenes and guns. I like in this one how the frustration and eternal waiting is portrayed. Plus, Jake Gyllenhaal is excellent and the soundtrack is an absolute killer.
Eyes wide shut (1999)
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This is the scariest movie I’ve ever seen. Still, it’s a masterpiece and makes you think what the heck is wrong in this society and what we don’t know that happens in the shadows.
Tuntematon sotilas/The Unknown soldier (2018 miniseries)
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There’s a 3 hour movie version of this, but I think the “real” one is the series. This is one of those rare Finnish movies I adore. Unknown Soldier is like a “holy book” for Finns and when I was forced to read it in school when I was 17, I didn’t like it at first. Then, in 2019, I watched the miniseries and holy shit, I was sold... it’s raw, brutal, but still, a beautiful tragic story that goes deep into the minds and families of the characters. It also has some very unique Finnish humor that warms my heart. One of those movies that just amazes you how something can be so heartwarming yet so horrible and brutal at the same time. One of the best characters in any book/movie as well are presented here.
I’m not tagging anyone this time as I feel like I have spammed so much of my followers recently. :D But, I’m always interested in movies so feel free to ramble in your blog!
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mcrmadness · 1 year
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Found myself googling the differences of special interest, hyperfixation and being a fan of something, and now I suddenly was hit with the realization of: what does is matter?
I mean. Why do I even care about this or how to call my interests, why should I have to name them if naming then doesn't really change my life in any way. My likes bring me joy so that should be enough. If I don't choose to label myself with millions of microlabels, I might as well not give microlabels to my likes and hobbies, either.
This anyway is quite difficult to measure, and another realization I made was that why I have the need to share when I am enjoying something, or creating. I realized that it's because I have two younger siblings. We were and still are pretty close, so we often had lots of shared interests too. We talked about them, watched movies and documentaries etc. about them, and we would spend so much drawing stuff related to those things as kids. And we still do this to some extent, we watch movies and documentaries, and we all like to draw and create even if slightly different things nowadays, and we show our art to each other. We share interests, we link each other music we find and like, and we discuss them, and we just in general show our likes and dislikes to each other and TALK ABOUT THEM.
So my need to share with other people comes directly from how I have gotten used to interacting with my siblings! But there are some things you don't want to show or share with your siblings or family, so of course you're looking for similar interactiong from elsewhere. Aka: friends, and online acquaintances. And then it feels weird when no one responds, because usually my siblings always have at least something to say.
Anyhow, this all also goes back to my interests because they were often intense because me and my siblings all are ND, and so is our dad, and at home it was NORMAL to not be normal about anything. It was our normal to watch dinosaur documentaries 24/7 and (figuratively) bury ourselves under a pile of books about dinosaurs, cos 4 out of 5 in our family was and still is very interested in dinosaurs. So like, I grew up in a house where everyone just had more or less intense interests. I don't remember if I ever had just one special one, I usually had many at the same time and none of them took that much time or place, they would just take turns just like my interests today do too. I call them hyperfixations cos the description fits them, but otherwise I no longer care about how to call some of my much older and longer interests, cos I honestly do nothing with the info cos it's just words and words are made up anyway.
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mcrmadness · 1 year
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Thinking about socal situations and all that jazz. Because every time I'm at school or meet classmates for school projects, I'm surprised by myself what comes to social situations. Over the past… 15 years I have interacted with other human beings IRL so seldom that I only know how I am with my family, but not what I'm like with other people.
I often still feel myself like a teenager but apparently all (or most) of us will mature by time and will act a certain way as adults when interacting with those who actually are teenagers (there are a few on my class). So it's mostly this what keeps surprising myself cos apparently I know how to act like an adult even when I don't feel like an adult and my social skills are still often at the level of a teenager.
And apparently, I also know how to interact with adults but there I definitely get better along with those who are clearly ND too. Which itself is not a surprise, but considering I haven't really had friends as an adult, I think I'm doing pretty good even if there are still some things that need more time what comes to learning. I'm still kinda learning from where I left of as a teenager (cos have/had no IRL friends apart from some I've known since my teenage years or earlier), and after the age (9-10) when I developed social anxiety that caused me to be in autopilot mode during social situations and I was unable to learn anything from those until the social anxiety was almost fully gone (at the age of 21) and my brain no longer entered autopilot. (Still remember how funny it felt to be in a supermarket and buying something without panicking in the waiting line.)
Social skills are literally SKILLS. I have never been inherently bad or good at that, I have just had lots of things preventing me from learning them in the correct pace. And I'm 31 and still learning because I'm just behind those of my peers who did have friends or didn't have anxiety disorders to deal with when growing up. I feel that it's similar to if I had e.g. grown up with cats only and someone started to teach me human language when I was much older than when humans normally start to learn all that. It's all about skills and how and if you can learn them. Or at least for myself it's that way.
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mcrmadness · 1 year
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Having again one one those art doubt nights. Or actually it's about fanfiction this time. It's pretty common for me to have these nights once in a while where I just have an exitential crisis over my fanfics.
Right now it's just that basic: why the fuck do I even keep writing? Like, I don't get it why do I write. Nor why do I keep coming up with stuff to write so often. It's just... not that much fun. Overused "tropes" and generally speaking, there is nothing wrong in that, BUT personally I am just so fed up with my tropes. They are boring, they are cliché, they just don't feel like anything anymore.
And again: why do I keep writing? Angst I understand. It's like self-therapy. Fluff I don't understand anymore. It's the one that has gotten boring to me. There's nothing to see. I would be writing to others if I didn't hate the fact I'm behind that text. I would be writing to others also if people read my texts. But there is something wrong with me, something that is actually not wrong with me, but something that causes people to avoid my fanfics because we're not on the same wavelength.
I probably won't do it, but I'm again considering giving up on writing fanfiction altogether. There's just no point in that. I wish I could write something else than fanfiction, but I can only write angst or fluff, and I'm romance-repulsed unless it's about my OTP, and nothing else interests me enough that I could write about it. I've been trying to come up with ideas but everything is already used and I'm afraid I'd be accused of plagiarism over something I have never even heard of before, just because how difficult it is to come up with something original and actually unique anymore.
Well, I won't get answers to my questions today for sure so I guess I might as well go to sleep. Just gonna say that writing to yourself is fun until you start to bore yourself with your own texts. And writing to others is fun if people just would read. So, yeah, I don't know. Maybe I will have another "I grew out of fanfiction" phase, maybe I'll come back to it again, maybe I'll never touch fanfics again. Who knows. All I know is that I don't enjoy the writing process as much as I enjoy the process of creating other types of arts, such as drawing or videos. With these I don't really even care anymore whether people look at/watch them or not. Those are for me and the whole process from start to finish is fun. Fanfics are just. A way to help myself to fall asleep because I need to be thinking about something and I have nothing else to think about than my OTPs. But maybe I'll need to keep those as before-falling-asleep scenarios and forget about the writing them down part.
I don't know. I also don't like the idea of letting go of my fanfics. It's not good for my mental health. But right now I just don't see any point in collecting tons of short scenarios about my OTP into my files if those texts are never gonna see a daylight anyway.
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mcrmadness · 2 years
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I have always been more or less of an outsider and an outcast, but some days I really hate it how every aspect of me just seems to strenghten that even more. Somehow I ended up with the identities that make me different and to not fit in with the others in such "marginalized" groups.
I am:
Neurodivergent: so I ever really fit in my peers of which majority were neurotypicals. Back then (late 90s to mid 2000s) there just were no words for this, so I was just Weird and Different, and bullied for that.
Agender: I don't relate to the term "trans". My gender simply does not exist, so there's nothing about it to fix either. Which means I don't relate to trans memes, and I don't relate to gender memes (unless it's another agender making the meme), and I don't understand gender envy because I simply don't feel it.
Asexual and aromantic: so I don't really fit in lgbt+ places. The rainbow flag does not repsent me because it's still so strongly associated with gay people, as well as allosexual (and alloromantic) lgbt+ people, and I'm neither gay nor straight, nor allo. So I don't feel like using the rainbow flag, because it would give the wrong impression of me to people. I, also, do not feel connected with individual flags either, so I've never used the ace/aro/aroace flags.
Loveless aro: I don't connect with any post talking about love or about loving humans. I simply don't love humans. I don't know wha that feels like. I can care deeply about people and animals and things, but it's not the same. It does not mean the same as what "loviing" means to so many. However, I do think I love objects and concepts and ideas. Just not any specific living creature.
Sex-repulsed and romance-repulsed: so at least I fall under the stereotypes of an aroace... but at what cost.
Because of all this above, mainly the aspec aspects (lol you see what I did there), I don't fit in fandom spaces. People go nuts when they see their favorite celebrity, and I don't understand why. That's just a human being? Why are y'all going nuts over a human being? Or why are y'all so keen on seeing skin? Or men in dresses/skirts? What's so special about that? Reblogging posts about my favorite celebrities is almost impossible because of all that commentary added that I cannot relate to because I don't understand what is it so special about that that it causes people to act such ways.
Finding fanfiction is impossible because I don't read mature content. Finding audience for my fanfiction is difficult because I don't write mature content. I am wondering if other aspec people face this same problem, and this is actually why I started writing this post in the first place. My fandom is already very small and the number of fanfics has only two digits in it, so it's not like finding a needle in a haystack, cos the haystack is almost nonexistent but also there is no needle to find.
I try not to compare my AO3 stats to others', but it's really difficult. And it makes me sad sometimes. Mainly because I've gotten the impression that so many people in fandoms treat fanfiction as a way to just find explicit smut to read. Bit like how maybe back in the day, before fanfiction, people would read and write books (about original characters maybe). And as someone who does not write mature content, I feel like when people see that G or T rating there, they don't even give the text a change. I'm not sure if people are there to read stories/hopefully well written text or just to read smut. I mean, there is nothing wrong in either, I'm not saying that there would be. I'm only saying that it makes me, an aroace with sex-repulsion, feel myself so lonely when I write something that means so much to me and then people see it's G or T and don't even want to take a look at it because there's no smut. It could also be just my age, but I've figured I enjoy reading and care about well writen text actually more than the actual plot or events (as long as it's not smut, cos that just is not my thing anymore).
And it also makes me sad that there ARE so well written stories out there but I can't read them because they go into smut so quickly and there's nothing left for me to read because I prefer to skip those scenes from fanfics. So basically I understand that it's probably the same the other way around: G or T is just not their cup of tea. And that's valid. But do they ever even give those a chance? I often try to give a chance for everything, which is why I know well written text exist, and it's a bummer I can't read those because of my preferences.
I also should never ever read other fanfics' comments because, idk, seeing people commenting about those and often focusing on how the smut was written... yeah, just makes me feel like my work is waste of time. Or maybe not waste of time, it's never waste of time to me, but posting them might be waste of time, if reading them is not really anyone's cup of tea. Especially now when I have started to back away from even fluff. I used to love writing fluff, because no one was writing nice fluff without smut, so I had to write it myself. But lately I have been writing fluff so much that it has lost its magic. It's boring now. I have gone through every possible scenario and can't come up with new ones that would be exciting anymore. Everything is just repeating itself. I'm kiss-repulsed, so I have never enjoyed writing or mentioning the kisses, but they still were a big part of the fluff I wanted to read about, so I included those. But now they also feel pointless. I don't like how they feel like the peak of a scene every time. It's not. There are other important things too than to always end a scene with two people kissing, I don't like it being the climax of a scene anymore. I'm more into the emotional intimacy now, but I'm afraid people are even less into reading my fanfics if I stop writing even that physical fluff.
I wish I had OCs to write about. That way it could be a G as I just want and people could read and rate it without expectations. But I don't know what I should write about. Nothing interests me, you know? What I said there about me nowadays valuing the text over the events and content, this also applies to my own writing. I LOVE writing, but in order to do that, I must write about something interesting to me, but I can't come up with any kind of interesting plot or character I would be INTERESTED in writing about. I always play with ideas of a story but I feel like everything has veen invented already and it could accidentally turn into a knock-off I did not even realize would be copying something. The worst case scenario would be to invent something and have someone else tell you you're plagiarising something, you have never even heard of before, but people would not believe you because people are so keen on lying anyway. (Or then I'm just traumatized by that case when I was 10 and drew a comic book character and someone claimed I had copied it from a comic I had never even heard of, and she did not believe me when I said I don't even KNOW what that comic is. She was convinced I was just lying to her.)
I don't know. Maybe I should try actual brain storming. Writing down and doodling stuff in case it would open some loot boxes in my brain I did not even know about. Even an OC comic would be great, or something that was a combination of these two...
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mcrmadness · 2 years
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Why am I overthinking my Berlin trip now.
For some reason I'm so worried of coming across as a tourist. Which is stupid since I literally AM a tourist going to Berlin. I'm just browsing these booking websites that also show what there is to do, just to get some idea of what I might want to do there. So far I literally don't know anything else than: the Nature History Museum, and the zoo(s??? are there more than one? I still haven't figured out the answer to this.), and then maybe some dä related sightseeing lmao
But besides all this, I just. Have this weird fear that people who live there would look at me like "lol a tourist" or think that's I'm somehow shallow and there just to see the things everyone talks about and nothing else. I'm almost rebelling against the idea of visiting any of THE sightseeing places that are the most famous over there. Just so that people can't think I only see the surface and wouldn't be interested in what lays beneath.
Like I'm not going there just to say "hey I've been to Berlin", I'm going there because I have been dreaming of a trip like this for over 10 years and I want to see what it is like there. The everyday life. Not the tourist life. Not eating in hotels every single day (as if I'd even have money for that) being clueless of anything, but actually taking it as if I'd be living there temporarily just to see if I could one day ACTUALLY live there (or in Germany in general) either temporarily or permanently. And basically I'm going to live there temporarily this time too cos it will be a few weeks and the rented room has its own kitchen and bathroom, just so that I can eat whatever I want and still afford it cos it's always cheaper to cook yourself than buy ready-made food. And food in Germany is cheaper than in Finland so it shouldn't be a big problem when my food bills aren't that huge even here.
But yeah. It's such a weird thing how I simultanously don't give a fuck about what people think about me but also wish no one would perceive me. Maybe it's just me again reflecting things about myself. They say that in other people you're annoyed by things that you don't see in yourself. Maybe it goes the other way around too, I am afraid of coming across as annoying, or even of being hypocritical, if I do the things that normally annoy me when others do those. Take it like this: I live in a tourist city myself. Every summer we have so many tourists from all over the world and I hear so many languages. Or would if I went outside sometimes.
Anyway, when you grow up in a tourist city and the tourist attractions become normal things and normal life for you, you start to get annoyed by tourists. I get their side too, of course it's crazy to see a medieval castle if you've never seen one before, and they have all the right to be excited. And I don't care about that much, but what are the most annoying things are those that you hear every single time. For example, this one summer I was working at a horse stable and I took a train to there every day. And my city is small, so it only had exactly one track. And still does tbh apart from the "station" area which is just. Sand and more tracks that are hardly ever used. But because Finland has just one train company, they use the same announcements everywhere and the announcement always includes the train's name/route, time and which track it will depart.
So in my city the announcement always said "leaves from the track, 1" because it still needs to say that. And almost every single morning I had to hear someone, who's not from the city, say "track 1" and laugh. So much so that I was already waiting for someone to say that cos someone always did. I know they have no idea they were not the first person to say that, but as a citizen I hoped I had had earplugs for those mornings because it was SO annoying. So I'm kinda worried that I'd be in that "lol track 1!" spot in Berlin. Where people live, so they must hear tourists saying all kinds of stupid shit, and the tourists don't have any idea of someone else, or tens, or hundreds or even thousands of other people, saying the exact same thing before them. What if I also make a comment and someone who's lived in Berlin for a long time overhears and thinks "not this shit again".
Like, in the end it dosn't even mean anything. They probably won't think out loud. It won't affect me, I don't care even if they said it out loud. But somehow my brain still is capable of overthinking this tonight.
Or maybe it comes from my childhood/teenage traumas related to my peers, and my old social phobia. If I go outside to take photos, I usually look for a place where I'm completely alone or I have someone else with me, otherwise I feel like I'm doing illegal stuff even if I'm just taking photos. I don't know why would it be so bad to take photos. But somehow I just. Can't focus on that if people walk by. I just feel like they're gonna say I am not allowed to do that. To take photos of a lake or sunset in my city and country??? Yeah I don't know why my brain does that since it's literally not illegal to walk outside on public spaces taking photos. Hell, you can even take photos with other people in it and you are allowed to post them because it's a public space. So why would it be reprehensible if I am taking photos and not even of any human subject, but just of the nature?
Because of the same reason I haven't started Geocaching yet either. It was recommended to me, and it sounds like fun, but I'm just. So self-aware. Worried of raising questions. Why is that person there in the bushes? Or if it's someone who knows what Geocaching is - what if I'm doing it wrong? And they think I'm a loser. But even if so, what does it matter? Or is it my rejection sensitive dysphoria? The idea of being judged so strong that it triggers my RSD even when it's just a scenario that hasn't even happened yet. And which most likely won't even happen! But still I just sit here overthinking _everything. No wonder I have so much time to overthink when I don't DO anything instead of keeping overthinking about those things.
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mcrmadness · 2 years
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ngjenekwngwe I'm again so pissed by the fact I got diagnosed with Asperger's despite not even being autistic :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Like, I haven't even been ACTUALLY TESTED FOR AUTISM EVER. I'm pretty sure my doctor from when I was 12 just decided it can't be anything else but Asperger's and then diagnosed me with it when I was 23, after meeting with me ONCE (or twice?), after not meeting with her at all since I was what, 15. It's so ridiculous!
I wish some sort of a reverse autism test existed cos I would pass that with perfect score. Because I don't have even the core symptoms of autism, I only have the ones that overlap with ADHD (which I believe I have), and the rest of the "symptoms" are just me being an introvert and aroace which in this society and in my country's psychiatric system are still very alarming signs of autism, and it's so wrong on so many levels.
For example, one of the core symptoms for autism is the inability to read people, their facial expressions and recognize emotions from that. I do not have this, I have never experienced this. In fact, I dare to say I am better at that than what even a regular NT would be.
The fact why my doctor maybe thought that I don't is because she somehow never took into account that I was heavily bullied in school and of course that fucks up with ANYONE'S brain, and I was having severe social anxiety which also caused me to see people through the social anxiety lense. Of course I saw other people's actions in a distorted way because I a) had been bullied so I lost my trust in other people and b) I was often betrayed by friends so I became very sensitive to abandonment and was seeing hatred even there where it was not.
I am 30 now. I have gotten over the worst social anxiety. I have been wondering and pondering my teenage traumas so, so many times during all these years that my self-esteem is not that horrible anymore. I don't believe everyone hates me as a standard anymore. I don't think someone randomly talking angrily to me is my fault, I am able to tell myself "well maybe they just had a bad day" or simply: "maybe they're just hungry". Whatever the reason, it is not that they hate me without knowing me. It's literally impossible to hate someone you don't know. And before I believed I'm rivals with everyone who doesn't know me and we need to get to the neutral zone first, when in reality you usually start from the neutral or even from the positive zone.
So I was just thinking: if my doctors showed me a folder of people with different facial expressions, I would be able to recognize each of them. I would be able to even give a deep dive into what I see in those faces and not just some common emotions. I'd come up with a story for why they maybe are having that emotion, or emotions, I see in the picture.
It's literally insane to me that my doctor literally does not even consider listening to me when I ask if that Asperger's diagnose could go. There never was any reason for it even existing. I have never had any of the childhood Asperger's/Autism traits either. I simply have never had any symptoms that exist in autism only.
I do have selective mutism, which is tied to social anxiety, tho. I got these two diagnosed when I was 12. So any weird behaviour the doctors probably have seen, has usually been either due to my shyness, or to my selective mutism, or both. As mutism can sometimes cause a child (or teen) behave ways that are very very similar to autism, but still the CORE of that behaviour is different. It looks the same maybe, but it does not feel the same.
On Tumblr, I also often see posts where autistic people talk about their experiences and sometimes I can relate because ND stuff can overlap a lot; but I still don't relate to the major traits nor experiences of autistic people. Like I said, I literally lack most of the criteria that you have to have in order to even be diagnosed with it.
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mcrmadness · 2 months
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All these relaxing video games are lots of fun to play, but unfortunately my brain's way of dealing with relaxing video games where I don't need to do any thinking, is to instead start thinking about myself and life and stuff like that on a more subconscious level. It's like having a radio on, and there's broadcast 24/7 and you can't turn it off, but all the broadcast is just your inner voice "thinking out loud" stuff it finds from the subconscious mind.
It's kinda like shower thoughts. I have this every time I clean stuff too, or do chores, but it was ESPECIALLY strong when I was working with horses and was cleaning up the stables. Some days I felt like I was going crazy and just wanted to shut down that inner radio and just have SILENCE in my head for once. But I can't turn that radio off. It's hardly off even when I'm asleep.
Anyway, I've been playing video games where you clean up trash. Which is like... very soothing. Something I hate irl cos it's never that easy, but in video games things just disappear and you don't need to worry about the trash taking space elsewhere. So meanwhile I clean up that virtual trash, my mind is then sorting out the trash inside my brain...
Yesterday I was freaking out over life and death, and today's theme apparently was to again analyze myself. And how I'm so different, and how I again was asking myself if it'd be possible that I'm a psychopath, but then I again remembered that I'm hyperempathetic so it pretty much cancels that thought. But why do I still feel so little about other people? Why do I get excited over people every now and then, but then deep inside don't feel a thing. I don't understand how it is possible to have these two exists at the same time but they do. I was also wondering about how I'm like... less liked than an average person, you know? And asking myself: what causes that? I feel like I mostly do nothing wrong, but there must be SOMETHING since I'm clearly less liked than an average person everywhere. Are people just mirroring my disinterest? Disinterest that is not actually me being uninterested in other people, but me just having no emotions/feelings over other people whatsoever, which makes it really difficult to be sometimes. And now I don't know if I'm just imagining everything again. I might have been too much inside my head the past few days, and I might again be seeing things differently than what they actually are when I actually interact with people irl.
Anyhow, I think the main thought of today has been that old one: am I doing something wrong to deserve the title of less-liked-than-an-average-person, and if so, what is it? I'd really love to know, because I can't see it, and it might help me change if it's something I'm doing wrong. I'm kinda worried again that I would be too full of myself, that I wouldn't see how full of myself I am because I'm so full of myself. Basically also fearing that I would be narcissistic without knowing it myself. I've been a victim of narcissism a few times in the past, so I know what those people are like, and I'm just worried that I would behave and think like one too without seeing it myself cos, you know, narcissistic people usually don't see that there's anything wrong in themselves...
Fun to go to sleep after these thoughts again. Well, hopefully school stuff next week will give me other, a bit lighter things to think about.
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mcrmadness · 1 year
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Really wondering if it's an ADHD or ND thing, RSD or just something completely else - the way I easily see human relations. Or, the way they make me feel.
Usually it's said that ND friendships are the type where you can be without talking to the other person for months and then when you do talk again, you continue like there never was any pause as if you spoke just yesterday. I do have friendships like these, and they are my favorite type of a friendship. Mostly because they feel stable and something that even the time (passing) cannot kill. I suspect that these are also often friendships that have already existed for a longer period of time, and people I'm quite close with and can talk about almost anything with. People whom I consider IRL friends too even if I have never met them irl - people whose real name I know and whose real face (or the face that belongs to the body they live in currently) I have seen either in photos or in a video call (or irl if I've met them).
Then the rest of the people I know. I just have the constant feeling of one day growing apart. I don't know when, I just feel like it will happen one day, and this feeling can be triggered by not talking with them for a day or two, or only after months of not interacting. And it can be that I've been talking with someone a lot and then not for a few days and I'm already wondering whether this is The Day we start to grow apart. Especially when we weren't even that close, or didn't even know each other for that long that there would even really be anything to grow apart from. I'd say that I even barely know But I definitely feel that this is more common when I don't have that long history with someone yet. This person can be an irl friend, a classmate, an online friend or an online acquaintance.
The latter version is quite exhausting, to say the least. I think I'm not the only one it's exhausting to, I think it's also exhausting to other people who have to interact with me. Like, sometimes I feel like I just lost a friend just because an online acquaintance has changed a bit, and we never even were friends. Literally just spoke online sometimes, and then I randomly have again the "oh we're growing apart :o" mood when there literally never was anything to grow apart from! I barely even knew the other person!
I don't really know how my brain defines the people I interact with. It seems to be completely random. There probably is something my brain sees in those people that I don't see. Maybe I like someone as a person so much that I'm constantly afraid of losing them. But that still doesn't explain it, because shouldn't I then be afraid of losing my best friends too? But I am not afraid of that, cos the friendships feel so stable. Sure one huge thing probably is whether I have talked about this issue with a friend of not. But even that alone doesn't mean this fear/sensation would go away. I often talk about this with people and while talking, it might feel very secure and that with this person I'll be friends forever and we're super close friends and whatnot. Then I'm alone and suddenly I feel like the cake is a lie. I don't feel secure anymore, I am no longer sure that I'm gonna be friends forever with someone and that the "friendship level" will remain stable no matter how much time would pass.
I feel like I'm kinda hovering somewhere between the neurotypical and neurodivergent view over friendships. I'm never sure about whether someone likes me as strongly as I like them, and for some reason it's always very embarrassing to me if I like someone more than they like me. And I'm also very confused if someone seems to like me more than I like them. I'm kinda constantly looking for this 50-50 type of liking ratio. I always compare it to how friendships are in The Sims games - everyone always likes each other mutually as much and it can't be that X like Y 80/100 and Y likes X only 50/100. It's always 80/100 or 50/100 for both. And IRL it always confuses me when people can like each other in uneven amounts.
The same way this "growing apart" thing is for me like the friendship notifications in The Sims games. I have talked about this before too, but I really feel like my frienships work as TS friendships do - after not interacting for a while, you get this notification "Sim X haven't called sim Y in a while and they're no longer friends." This is literally how this whole growing apart thing feels like to me, and it's so confusing because I might think I no longer have ANYTHING in common with someone. Until they start talking to me again and it's like there never was any pause. And it confuses me even more because I do not know where we're at. Friends or not? And I don't feel comfortable about asking in case I misunderstood everything because I have ADHD and emotional dysregulation.
But yeah, it's very exhausting. Maybe it's also related to my generalized anxiety. But it'd be nice if I could just not worry about friendships "possibly ending soon" cos these stable friendships you can put on hold are just so much nicer so why can't I view every friendship like this? Or is that because so many of my past friendships have ended, and I'm trying to protect myself with this so when/if a friendship ends, it's not that big of a shock because I was already prepared for it ending one day... idk.
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mcrmadness · 1 year
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Ok I just had the realization for why it's so hard for me to start writing or drawing to myself only, as in, to draw/write/create without the purpose of posting it anywhere IF I have already been posting stuff online. By that I mean: if I draw/write and don't post, I'm completely fine. But if I start posting and then feel like I should stop because (almost) no one cares... it just feels so bad. It makes me feel extremely sad, the same kind of sadness I felt when I was a kid and had a friend over for a sleepover and when they left back home. The first minutes after they left always felt the exact same as when I think about only creating to myself and never posting any of that online ever again. It feels like someone died or like quitting communities or compltely moving to live on another planet all by myself.
So in a way, sharing my creations kinda feels like it's one of the things that makes life worth living. Now, I've never been actually suicidal, but it kinda has similar vibe to it as if I was _dying if I stop sharing my creations. I guess it has some ties to my anxiety, as I do suffer from dissociation (depersonalization and derealization) and on bad days I do get loads of intrusive thoughts too, and I constantly need things that keep me kinda attached to the real world and creating, especially drawing and writing, are some of those things. They make me feel alive, I guess. Maybe that's what people mean when they say something makes them feel alive. So when I even think about creating only to myself, I can sense it how distressing my little bubble starts to feel. I need things to go outside that bubble sometimes or it will become too crowded for myself. We fit there just fine IF I never share. But the moment I start sharing, it becomes reality and giving up on doing that feels like something inside me would die. I guess when these things don't escape the bubble, they fit there just fine because you don't know what else it could be. But the moment they do, my life quality kinda... well, it increases but it also decreases because of my RSD. But fortunately RSD is not there all day every day, so some days it's somewhere sleeping, letting me to think rationally and to believe my observations like a "normal" person.
But yeah, I guess one of my life purposes IS to share my creations, I just have a hard time finding what creations I should share and what kind of audiences to look for. And yeah this is about my newest drawing that I did yesterday, but I'm not feeling that keen on sharing it honestly. Nor the other two I drew recently. And every time I don't have that strong feels over the thoughts of not sharing my art, it starts to freak me out because I'm still so scared that I would get my depression back one day. I guess creating and sharing them is one way for me to try to keep it from coming back, so of course it hurts when I don't receive feedback and feel invisible, as then it triggers the RSD which makes me want to never share my art again. But oh well, it's just this unfortunate rat race I've been living with since my teen years or longer... maybe it's just a part of who I am.
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mcrmadness · 1 year
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Wondering whether other adhders like or hate repetition, or if it varies from person to person. I have so far found out that almost every autistic person I have talked to, prefers repetition. By this I mean they listen to the same song over and over again, watch the same movie or series several times in a row (in a span of days or weeks etc.), keep going back to read the same fanfics over and over again...
This kind of behaviour is very bizarre for me. I get really understimulated if I even think about doing so.
With songs I kinda experience misophonia because I have misophonia for repetitive noises. They make me feel really uncomfortable, and it just feels so wrong that when a song ends, it immediately starts over. It just was not meant to be played that way! I do this only when a really good song is released and there is not more songs to listen to (yet), and I can't get enough of it, so there's nothing else left than to keep listening to that one song over and over again until my head stops playing it. But if there are artists who only release one song every now and then? I usually don't listen to their music, because I like having albums with many songs because I get bored with just one or two songs so fast. Sure with music I have the same bands and albums I listen to from year to year, but I often can take months or even a couple of years during which I don't listen to some of them at all. Right now I haven't listened to music properly since... lasy autumn. A few weeks ago I did listen to something new, but only because it was good background music for writing a report for school apparently.
What comes to films and series, I do rewatch stuff, but often there has to be months or even years before I do so again. Films that have really complex plots, those I might rewatch sooner too. There are also many that I have rewatched many many times, but I've done so because they are something I have seen as a kid they've already become nostalgic for me and they feel safe and make me feel good because of the nostalgia. Sometimes I don't even have any real opinion on them, I just grew up with them and they feel like siblings to me, but I have no particular emotions towards those movies (apart from some). But with most I just can't get myself to rewatch something that quickly (unless I for some reason hyperfixated), especially if there are many very understimulating scenes in the film, which then immediately make me feel like I don't feel like rewatching that film just yet. The understimulating scenes are too fresh in my memory so even the interesting and favorite scenes are not worth it, and I can always watch the fave scenes from youtube anyway if I really need to see something specific.
Books I have reread, but that's because I'm so bad at finding and starting anything new. I simply don't know what I like to read, but I still have the need to _read and the need to have a book I can grab if I suddenly have the urge to read. And often I've just started the same book series over because there I at least have had several books to read and didn't have to think about what to read next until I was done with the series. And then I was done, wanted something to read, and started over because "there's nothing else interesting enough to read anyway".
I don't know if I have ever really reread fanfiction apart from the normal 2-3 times I read before I feel like I'm ready to leave a comment. The common adhd mood for me is that if I have read it once, I have seen it already, and it's my time to look for something new. I only reread my own stories, but it's because I'm the only person writing the kind of fanfiction I want to read, and I hate the fact that I need to read my own fanfics. But no can do, and after a while I get really fed up with them too because I already know and remember everything and there's nothing new for me and it starts tasting so dull.
I think the only thing I actively reread is comics, but it's because there are thousands of little stories in form of comic strips and some of them are so funny I never get bored at laughing at them. But that's a whole different thing. I seem to like "repetition" only when it really makes me laugh. Which is why I never get bored with Monty Python, either, cos I always laugh at the same jokes. But apparently with anything else but humour, I get understimulated really fast and repetition is not an option unless it happens much much later. Maybe the laughing is related to dopamin or so, idk...
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mcrmadness · 1 year
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I guess it's only good that people don't get attached to me cos the second I get positive attention or interaction with others, I start to develop a person hyperfixation and coming down from that is never fun. It messes up with my brain so much and the way my mind works does not feel healthy at all. It's close to RSD-type thinking where it feels like abandonment but also not. It's like, getting addicted to attention, where nothing is enough and when there's less attention, the RSD starts to poison my mind with thoughts over how yet another person figured out who I really am aka how I'm really exhausting person to be around.
And it is not good, because I don't want to be like this. I don't like it when I have person hyperfixations on friends etc. I don't like it how annoying I become, how I'm talking nonstop and can't shut up, how much I push my interests into their faces and how I can't see from behind that if I'm making them uncomfortable or not. I only notice that when the person hyperfixation wears off, and I'm always ashamed by how I was. I hate it how open I become and how my other hyperfixations take over, and how it's possible that I've driven people away because of all this. I'm in a constant fear that people want to cut contact with me but don't know how to break it to me. And tbh I don't have a problem with people telling me if they're feeling uncomfortable, I appreciate the honesty for real, but it kills me when I DON'T know if I'm being too much but just am told I'm not cos people don't want to hurt other people. Often when I'm not sure and feel like this might be the case, I actually start to intentionally keep distance. In case it makes the other person feel better if the friendships just "dies on its own" instead of having to talk about emotions.
It's a pattern that I have noticed to just keep going. I don't have many friends so I've gathered this "data" over the years and I can see it now. All is good when I don't get attached to people. And I don't really get attached to them anyway, sometimes talking with people is so much fun it develops into a short person hyperfixation. It literally works like any other hyperfixation - I find s fun tv show and I start watching it, so all my thoughts keep going back to it cos it's on my mind and brings me joy and I genuinely like the show, and I just want to keep watching it until it wears off again in a few days or weeks. My person hyperfixations are the same, just want to interact with the person of target 24/7 cos interacting with them makes me happy. But when the hyperfixation wears off, it feels more sad than anything cos they're a living thing. Tv show is on hold and won't interact with others and others watching the show doesn't affect what the show "thinks" of me cos tv shows can't think. Humans can't. And I guess it kinda a fear of not getting all that back with people? Like, hyperfixations go in phases and take turns for me and I only rarely grow out of them, but with people you do grow apart and of course it's always sad cos you miss it what it was like to interact with someone, but your adhd is on the way and the interaction can never be "normal" when it enters the person hyperfixation mode.
Idk. It might be just due to migraine that I'm thinking like this rn, but it anyway is good that people don't get attached with me cos idk what would happen with my adhd brain if they did.
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mcrmadness · 2 years
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A funny thing I noticed today as I was working on a fanfiction of mine.
This is just my random deep thoughts about aspec and attraction in general cos my aroace ass doesn't have a clue of anything as usual.
So, I always struggle more or less with how to write any kinds of relationships because I am aromantic and asexual, and I guess you could say I also believe in "relationship anarchy", and on top of all that I'm also a loveless aro.
What all that means to me:
I don't experience romantic nor sexual attraction at all.
I don't know if I experience platonic attraction. Maybe? It depends on whom you ask, because some say it's about QPRs and some say it's about whether one feels the need to have friends or not. I do, but I don't know where's the line between platonic attraction and just naturally learning to know people and getting along with some better than with others.
I am sex-repulsed, romance-repulsed and very touch-averse. However, I no longer believe that certain acts are inherently sexual or romantic only. I believe everyone can define what they mean to THEM and THEIR relationships and friendships, but no one can define those for OTHER PEOPLE. But because I am pretty much repulsed by all kinds of physical touch, physical intimacy is not part of any friendships of mine, this doesn't really concern me.
And this takes us to the fanfiction writing part. All three - platonic, romantic and sexual - are pretty much a grey area for me. I don't know how they differ from each other. In a way I can try to imagine that and I think I sometimes might even understand all this better when I write about two people in some kind of a relationship (might be an QRP, I haven't wanted to give it a name tbh), but still I do not know if I'm getting even close to what it is like for allos. All I can do is guess.
Before I thought the difference is exactly in what kinds of actions are allowed in which kind of a relationship, but since I have abandoned the idea that e.g. platonic friends can't hug or kiss without my mind going "they can't be JUST friends!!!", now I'm just left with... nothing. My previous understanding was just the rules of amatonormativity and society's standards, what I just grew up to believe because you possibly could, and still can't, watch or read (or play) almost any kind of media without it eventually shoving these ideas into your face as the only truth.
The attraction part - I still don't understand how allo brains do that, it's still such a "seems fake but okay" moment to me every single time allos show symptoms of attraction towards someone they don't even know. This is why I understand the demi way of attraction so much better! It just makes sense to me that you'd develop other types of feelings only after knowing the person well and for a long(er) time. Even tho I don't think I'd be demi, I'm too romance-repulsed (and sex-repulsed) and touch-averse for that in general, but just the overall idea just makes more sense to me.
Today I was writing something and I was kinda analyzing my own writing at the same time. The characters often take the reins and I just write what they do, but I don't necessarily understand what they do or why they do that. I don't know if it's confusing to someone who might have experience on those things - I mean I don't have. I had typical school time crushes but I think they were mostly aesthetic + just me wanting to do what others did too -> have a crush so I can talk about a crush with a friend so we band bond over crushes. I believe it's an ADHD thing, it's no different from me seeing someone drawing and me starting to draw because it just made me want to draw. Or when people talk about writing. I also want to talk about writing! So when as pre-teen and teen my friends had crushes, I also wanted to have a crush.
Needless to say, my last crush I had when I was 16, and that lasted for 3 years (started when I was 13) and I never even talked to this person. Just felt like running away screaming if they even saw me. After that I had fictional crushes cos they could not show "feelings" back. I think those were either platonic crushes, or my antidepressants just messing up with my head so much it affected even that part of my brain.
Hm, I got distracted. I was trying to say that after analyzing my texts, I realized that I actually have two moods for... some... attraction. I don't know how to call that. But I am writing about two people who are not aro nor ace, so I am not even trying to make them aro nor ace. One of them has slight vibes but not enough that I'd want to touch that part of their identity too much in my stories.
But yeah, I realized that these two characters, when they've just learnt to know each other, they kinda develop some sort of crush-like feelings. I don't really know what that even is. Basically it's platonic but still not (leaning slightly towards romantic/sexual attraction sometimes). And then much much later, it's still there but now it feels different? I still can't explain it, because I literally cannot feel it myself, but I can use empathy for imagining what that feels like but I still don't... comprehend a single thing about it. All I know is that it feels, or has different vibes, between those two scenes despite the setting basically being still the exact same. There just are so many years between those two scenes.
This is where I got the eureka moment today, as I started wondering that is the first one basically the way allos experience attraction, and the second one closer to how demis experience attraction? At least it would make more sense to me, EVEN THO it's about the same two characters so it's a bit funny that they'd have both the allo and demi brain lmao. But like I said, I myself don't have any experience, and even imagining anything myself is really difficult because I _don't experience attraction (aesthetic to some extent, but I'm really low even on that), and I have no clue how can you tell different forms of attraction apart from each other when you haven't even felt majority of them ever.
Okay, I guess this is enough deep thoughts for today.
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mcrmadness · 2 years
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I think there is and has always been a serious connection between my (undiagnosed) ADHD and (diagnosed) generalized anxiety disorder, and finally the social anxiety.
I've been doing self-analyzing a lot as usual, and some time ago I realized that my whole body is always so damn stiff. Like, physically I am not relaxed at all. Typical anxious person stuff, right? And this always used to get really bad when I was around other people, I always got really really nervous and my whole body tensed a lot (way more than usual), and I got extremely self-aware and it increased my anxiety as I was trying to control every single thing my body does -> me getting even more stiff -> anxiety increases even more.
Then I realized that I think my social anxiety made me self-aware, and I started to notice the ADHD twitching and fidgeting my body normally does all the time when I'm alone. Social anxiety is literally the fear of attention, so I was doing my best to become invisible, which meant controlling everything my body does, including not letting it do the normal minor fidgeting which I normally would not even notice. I thought it was going to get everyone's attention on me if I moved even an inch, so I was basically trying to act like the "freeze" phase from fight, flight or freeze. But because ADHD, it's impossible. Which led to the anxiety increasing because I was bottling up something that is NATURAL for me because, altho I'm not really hyperactive, apparently I'm still slightly hyperactive but just learnt to control it but what resulted to increased anxiety. I know I'm repeating myself here like for the 3rd or 4th time but forgive me. I STILL HAVE THE ADHD LMAO
ANYWAY my point is that I was wondering why my social anxiety has not been even nearly as bad as what it normally has always been, and today I finally understood why: I stopped controlling my body. I let my legs or hands or whatever fidget/stim if I feel even a bit anxious, and it has worked like a charm. But it's also funny that my fidgeting at home has also increased a lot now. I'm pretty much constantly moving my leg or something cos it just feels better. And it reduces anxiety if I feel panicky for GAD reasons.
I think I started this at the airport before the flight to Berlin. I was so terrified of the flight that I noticed that I was again not breathing normally and my body was stiff as hell. So I thought to myself that what if I start moving my arms and shoulders, and let my leg start bouncing/fidgeting just as much as what felt good. And that actually helped, and even the flight was a good experience even tho I still don't like flying. So let's say it was much better than the last time I was on a plane.
But yeah, it's super interesting. I feel like I'm being more chill overall. I find it easier to speak even when a bigger group of people are hearing me. I don't rush with my words anymore the way I used to do before. I can't say anything about the volume of my voice because I can't rate it at all. Sometimes I think I'm talking quietly and people tell me that I shouldn't speak so loud, and sometimes I think I'm talking loudly and people tell me I'm talking too quietly and they can't hear me. And sometimes I have the emotional dysregulation affecting my voice and I might suddenly say one word way louder than the rest unplanned just because something was funny or whatever. But that's normal, and I try to be chill about that too.
In general I'm pretty proud of myself what comes to this school. 3 days with these people and I still can't remember some of the names, but I have connected with at least a couple of people already and I don't find it difficult to communicate and talk with people if they talk to me first. Even tho it probably looks funny that I'm like... totally introverted, then someone says just one word to me and I suddenly come out of my shell and am talkative and expressive, and then within seconds I'm again inside my shell because the conversation ended. But that's what it's always like in the beginning, and with some I've gotten past that awkward beginning phase already and I'm more talkative and more of myself already, which is good.
It's always interesting to see myself interact with adults as an adult, because I don't really have friends, and I honestly don't even know how I am like as an adult. I mean, the last time I have had IRL friends was when I was teenager, so I still kinda have that as the base but it looks like I have still matured a lot as I have gotten older, even tho I haven't really "practiced" adult social skills ever apart from work and school related things. I think I'm already doing better than with the previous vocational schools. At least there I still had the social anxiety almost take over, but now I don't even get the faster heart rate??? Which is so crazy. Like, I don't even get the panic symptoms, what is this sorcery??? But maybe it's the fact I taught myself that I can fidget in public too because no one fucking cares what others do, and if they do care? So what? It's not my problem at that point anymore. (Since my fidgeting is not me walking around banging kettle lids against each other while I scream, but if it was, then I'd understand if it would annoy others :D)
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mcrmadness · 2 years
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Random realization at 5 in the morning, but I was just done with shower and suddenly something hit me.
Like I get the "oh no I'm being annoying!" every single time I talk to people and they don't/no one says anything to that. I get this feeling that they wish I'd just shut up and that everyone rolling their eyes behind my back cos I'm too stupid to get the hint.
I just realized where this comes from. I was literally treated exactly like this when I was bullied in school. It was always silent, almost invisible, simply just leaving me out and ignoring my existence. So nowadays whenever I end up in a situation that feels similar, I automatically assume the same is going on.
Also it was always "my fault" that my peers did so because I can get too excited easily, and I was just annoying the shit out of them by just not understanding that I was annoying them with something I like (the typical ND experience). Also just simply being too different I got bullied because of that a lot.
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