#maybe it’s bc i haven’t slept all night and ive been listening to i can’t handle change the entire time

[blue-hi]

i’ve been awake since 4:30 am and it’s 9:00 now so i need to get this out because it’s been months and i havent been able to spit the whole thing out and i need to SAY something so i think i’ll jst yell into the void so

thanks

ive had insomnia since at least mid october. cant really remember now when it started. i’d keep waking up in th emiddle of the night, always around 2 or 3 am and it would take ages to get back to sleep.

ive never been one for all nighters and i like getting a full night’s sleep and all of a sudden i wasn;t getting it and for no reason too. this scared me. it still scares me. i reached out to my mom for idk emotional support??? i didn’t want to be alone

“this happens to other people too” started out as a way to help but the way she said it sounded like she was dismissing me and what was happening. like it would all clear up soon so i had no reason to bother her

then the week before halloween almost all my classes assigned projects or had a test and they were all assigned at the same time at the end of the week and were all due at the same time on halloween. the saturday before halloween and after i got all the assignments i slept particularly awfully and i just broke down in th emiddle of the library. like all day and i couldn’t stop. that scared me even more bc if it happened once it can happen again

im terrified. that’s the core of the issue

that day my mom and aunt got me a plane ticket to fly home for the next weekend to see if being home would fix things. we even had a doctor’s appointment it didn’t fix anything. the doctor told me things i already knew but also decided i had generalized anxiety disorder and that was why i couldn;t sleep even though i wasn;t scared until after it started and i slept terribly that night again. i was hysterical. i still had no idea why i couldn’t sleep i shouldn’t have paced that loud in the hallway but yeah i wanted attention i felt alone. maybe it was selfish but i just wanted a hug and i knew then i was in for the long haul and i didn’t want to be afraid AND be alone but my mom just yelled at me (which she had the right to i was being not-great) and i felt i was burdening her. that’s when i realized she either can’t or won’t be there with me or both

i went to the counselor at my school and i just vented. not all of this but some of it and i had other problems at the time like my major and some classes but those had all worked themselves out by the end of november i also went to the health center and got a little bottle of this drug called hydroxyzine and that started helping a little bit. i was taking tylenol pm every night before that and apparently this was something stronger

then thanksgiving rolled around and i was still having some issues. one thing i remember most vividly is twin and i were going to drive to our dad’s house for the day. normally i drive but i handed the keys to twin because i hadn’t slept well and didn’t feel like driving. my mom noticed and asked why i didn’t want to drive and i SHOULD have lied and said that i wanted twin to practice but i told he truth and said i felt too tired to drive and she rolled her eyes at me later in the break one morning she asked me how i slept again and i said poorly and i was still half asleep but i swear she scoffed

then i knew i REALLY couldn;t expect her to help me. not even with the sleeping but just with support.

i went back to the school counselor (different person though) and! my mom still doesn’t know about that visit. she doesn;t know that counselor said that insomnia sometimes predates depression symptoms. should i tell her that? that’s also terrifying. i managed to get out of high school without really any mental illness issues so i;m a lucky one but that’s what i’m scared about going forward

i feel like it’s not as serious as it feels and that no i don’t have anxiety and no i don’t have depression (yet) and that i should just suck it up until i do but also i can have emotions because i;m a fucking person and ‘m allowed to tell people about them without feeling like a burden or a fake bc god forbid i have a single negative emotion in front of someone. i’ve always been a “good girl low maintenance child” and FUCK that

weirdly i started to sleep well during finals week and these past 2 weeks on break too but i think that’s because the hydroxyzine started to kick in. except oops now my supply is low and i have about a week or two left until i completely run out and the little bottle says NO REFILLS LEFT so i have to figure out how to get more for the semester last night i tried to go to bed without taking one to see if i’ve gotten any better. news flash nothing’s changed without it and now everything that had gone away in the last 3 weeks all the anxiety and hopelessness and tiredness and terror all came back last night and right now i feel like i;m back in the library again bc i can’t stop crying

what if i can’t get more before the semester starts?? if i’m like this during break what’ll happen when i have to stress again?

i came downstairs at 8 to do organic chemistry on khan academy because if i can’t sleep then i might as well do something productive. mom came down to get ready for work and she saw me and asked me if i was upset about not sleeping again

i was an idiot and said yeah - that’s what i hate too. i want to be honest about mental health with people and how i’m doing but to stop this i need to lie to her. now i’ll always be fine! and she never has to know if i;m in a bad way just as she likes it and i feel a w f u l about it. it makes be feel petty and petulant but i’m non confrontational. i want to tell her everything i;ve written here and just be so honest she has to listen to me instead of dismissing me every time but every time she asks i clam up and i failed again this morning she accused me of wanting to feel scared because “i hadn’t tried everything yet”. she and family members for christmas sent me some things that are supposed to help like a light developed by insomniacs or a winter light and i really do appreciate all of it, but they all came when the medicine was working so i didn’t NEED it. last night was different because i am a scientist and am my own guinea pig and i wanted to see what would happen if i didn’t take the drugs. i’ll use all of that tonight in Phase 2 of the Worst Experiment Ever but she wouldn’t LISTEN to me when i said that either.

now i’ll just say nothing. why should she know it’s only caused both of us stress. i wish she would take this (insomnia! depression!! mental health woo!) as seriously as she took my acne when i was 12. still now if i have a zit she feels entitled to touch my face. do you wanna know how you can help??? stay away from me and don’t wonder why i kind of want to tell her. she’s coming back home in a couple of hours bc it’s new year’s eve and i might still be in a state who knows but i’ll choke again and she’ll yell at me again and nothing will have changed

people have asked me how my semester went and “it’s been a shitty one,” i wanna say but normally i just say that i’m glad it’s over only for my parents to swoop in and say “it can’t have been all that bad i mean you did well with your grades in the end” like !! i pulled that B in physics out of my ass! just because i did ok academically because i’m lucky and good at school doesn’t mean my health was great! my dad can’t help me either because i’ll say that my mental health recently isn’t as good as it could be and he just goes “aww sweetie.” and that’s it. nothing else. thanks dad. i know you don’t know what to do with that information and i don’t fault you for that because emotions have never taken precedence in either household (except for all the curse words i learned from my mom when she’s inconvenienced)

all of this and i still don’t know why i can’t sleep normally

thanks for reading this fkn novel all of this has been on my chest for a LONG time and i haven’t had the chance to say any of it and if i get the chance i’m afraid i’ll forget something (i probably did here, too). i truly mean thank you. this has been cathartic to write, even though i still need to go to a counselor or something. i hope your new year (and decade!) is bright

#i don't know what else to say or do

[feralregulus]

85 Questions Tag Game

i was tagged by @henriettafoxes for my main but like nei.

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (HA! i’m tagging 6 at that lmao) @foxpaws10 @jeanmoreauz @leahoffbeat @katerandomletters @jeanmmoreau @dancyon

— What was your last…

1. Drink: coffee

2. Phone call: to my mom lmao.

3. Text message: to a friend, joana.

4. Song you listened to: motherlove by bea miller bc its my anthem and ive had aurora on repeat since it came out (LISTEN TO AURORA TOU MFS)

5. Time you cried: two days ago

6. Dated someone twice: i don’t do dating so this nevere happens

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: um this summer i guess? like i made out with this fuckboy and honestly it wasn’t worth it.

8. Been cheated on: lmao no

9. Lost someone special: yeah i guess

10. Been depressed: thats my constant mood lmao

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: never thrown up for being drunk also i haven’t thrown up since 2012 lmao.

— Fave colours

12. gray

13. red

14. purple

— in the last year have you…

15. Made new friends: yeah

16. Fallen out of love: with stuff i guess, not with people

17. Laughed until you cried: i don’t think so

18. Found out someone was talking about you: uh shit i don’t think so, like im dramatic but im never up for drama lmao

19. Met someone who changed you: nope

20. Found out who your friends are: uh

21. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list: uh

— General

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know irl: maybe like 95%

23. Do you have any pets: two birdies!

24. Do you want to change your name: nope

25. What did you do for your last birthday: slept all day and downed a bottle of vodka with monster bc im that pathetic lmao

26. What time did you wake up today: i didn’t sleep but i got out of bed at like 10-ish am

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: watching gotham

28. What is something you can’t wait for: for this school year to fucking end and for summer to fucking come

30. What are you listening to right now: sanctify by years & years

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i talked to someone named tomas does that count?

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves: everything, my sisters, my shitty laptop

33. Most visited website: prolly tumblr

34. Hair colour: jet black

35. Long or short hair: short, i got the bi bob lmao

36. Do you have a crush on someone: nope

37. What do you like about yourself: what’s there not like, bitch im awesome

38. Want any piercings: i want a nose piercing and a tongue one

39. Blood type: dunno

40. Nicknames: don’t have any lol

41. Relationship status: single as a pringle

42. Sign: virgo

43. Pronouns: she/them

44. Fave tv show: shameless and b99

45. Tattoos: none :(

46. Right or left handed: right

47: Ever had surgery: yesh

48. Piercings: three in one ear two in the other

49. Sport: nope

50. Vacation: last one was last summer to Turkey and next one im going to my home country, Morocco

51. Trainers: vans all the way

— More general

52. Eating: you mean last? well im about to have a salmon burger

53. Drinking: nothing rn

54. I’m about to watch: gotham or b99 or the flash

55. Waiting for: lunch

56. Want: books books books and money

57. Get married: to no one lmao

58. Career: dude i plan on like backpacking throughout the world for as long as i can (and working shitty jobs to afford doing so)

— Which is better

59. Hugs or kisses: hugs

60. Lips or eyes: eyes

61. Shorter or taller: don’t care tbh

62. Older or younger: um uh why

63. Nice arms or stomach: arms

64. Hookup or relationships: hookups

65. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker since birth

— Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger: yeh

67. Drank hard liquor: yeh

68.Turned someone down: yeh

69. Sex on first date: never been on a date lmao but ive had sex with people the first time i met them

70: Broken someone’s heart: i don’t think so

71. Had your heart broken: nope

72. Been arrested: almost i guess but no

73. Cried when someone died: do fictional characters count?

74. Fallen for a friend: nope

— Do you believe in

75. Yourself: uh most of the time

76. Miracles: nope

77. Love at first sight: ha! no bitch that is not an actual thing but lust at first sight? hell yeh

78. Santa Claus: lmao nope my fam is muslim

79. Angels: sounds fake

— Misc

80. Eye colour: really dark brown seem like black

81. Best friends name: don’t have a bf

82. Favourite movie: 10 things i hate about you and the breakfast club

83. Favourite actor: uh idk i love so many its hard to choose

84. Favourite cartoon: kim possible 

85. Favourite teacher’s name: estela

#personal #mine #isra talks shit #yeet