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if-music-be-the-food-of-love · 3 years

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Your headcanons are so cute!!! Now i need to know: which movies do you think they watch together? Kusjes 🥰🥰

Thank you, anon, you’re so sweet 🥰🥰, and I am so so so so sorry that it took me this long to answer this ask. Honestly, I didn't know what to say. I'm at a complete loss. I could make a stab at tv shows because there are some that just everybody has seen or at least heard of (and I was limited to Netflix), and we had Elite as a starting point. With movies...there are just so many choices. That, and I was talking to my nephew who's 19 a few months ago (yes, nephew, sometimes life is like that), and he and I had not seen ANY of the same movies. We couldn't find a single movie in common that wasn't like an old everybody in the family watches it together kind of film. Since he's their age and a guy, it makes me feel so unqualified to answer this. (Granted, he's super into sports, which is not something I hc for either Sander or Robbe, so maybe...)

With that in mind, I AM going to give this a try, but basically we're looking at movies that I'd expect anyone to have seen or heard of...kind of like the family classics concept.

Okay, of course one of the first things Robbe insists on is showing Sander Romeo+Juliet because it’s his favorite. Sander teases him about Leonardo DiCaprio relentlessly, especially the fact that he spends the whole movie soaking wet. He elbows him and winks, saying, “Now I know why this is your favorite movie.” “Shut up,” Robbe answers, blushing and shoving him back. “He’s also a really good actor.” Reluctantly, Sander agrees, and he pulls Robbe into his chest and nibbles on his earring as they keep watching the movie. Overall, he likes it, especially Mercutio, who’s “fucking amazing.”

This sets them off on a Leo movie fest, and they watch a whole slew of his movies in a row. When they get to Titanic, neither of them can keep a straight face when Leo shouts, “I’m king of the world,” and Sander grabs Robbe, pulls him off the bed, and drags him to the living room, laughing hysterically, where he proceeds to stand him up on the couch and imitate the whole scene. He steps up behind him and spreads Robbe’s arms wide, giggling while humming My Heart Will Go On in his ear and rocking them side to side. Robbe’s so shocked he lets it go on for much longer than he normally would, at least fifteen seconds. So of course Robbe’s mom peeks in from the kitchen and catches his eye, and he crumples in embarrassment. They land in a heap on the couch with Robbe poking him and tickling him, growling, “Oh my God, you’re such a dork, and my mom saw that. Ahhhhhh!” And Sander just laughs bc he’s so proud of himself for embarrassing Robbe this spectacularly. After a minute he sits on Sander’s chest and pretends to pout, telling him he’s in “time out.” They eventually finish the movie...but not that day.

They end up watching The Princess Bride because Sander can’t believe he’s never seen it. “How Robbe? How can you not know about this movie? It’s a classic!” So Sander invites him over and makes him a big bowl of popcorn and forces him to watch it on the bigger screen in the family room. “Trust me, it’s an experience.” He then spends the whole movie mouthing along with the lines while staring at Robbe and enjoying his reactions to everything. At first Robbe’s like the little kid in the movie, “Are you kidding me? What is this?” Then the princess gets kidnapped and his eyebrows wrinkle thoughtfully. By the time Inigo is fighting the man in black, he turns to Sander and says, “This isn’t serious. I’m not supposed to take this seriously, right? Is this a fucking comedy?” Sander just gives him an indulgent smile, kisses his temple, and tells him to keep watching. He spends the rest of the movie with his mouth hanging slightly open in shock, occasionally giggling, and Sander just can’t stop staring at him. When it’s over, he turns to Sander and says, “That was---It was--” “Epic,” Sander supplies. “Ridiculous,” Robbe finishes. “That’s the point, cutie, but did you like it?” With the widest grin on his face, Robbe says, “Yes, can we watch it again, so I can laugh this time? Oh, and Westley is hot.” “Welcome to my gay awakening, baby.”

Because they are alive, they are not immune to Marvel, so, though they watch most of them out of order, they end up seeing all the movies together at some point, including the new series. They both think Tony Stark is an asshole, and they immediately fall in love with Captain America (because honestly who wouldn’t, and they have eyes...that is America’s ass and all, who are they to disagree). Sander is an immediate Loki fan. “C’mon, Robbe, he’s smart, lanky, and has long, flowing hair. He was basically made for me,” he says, brushing Robbe’s hair off of his face, as Robbe blushes. “And honestly, his whole trickster thing. I love that we never know what he’s thinking.” Robbe, on the other hand, can’t decide. He’s thinks Hawkeye is hilarious, and he’s kind of in love with Ant Man (bc Paul Rudd is cute and funny), though if he’s honest with himself it’s probably Black Widow because she’s a total badass. It’s not their favorite thing to watch, but what else were they supposed to do during the pandemic?

Then Robbe introduces Sander to Pulp Fiction, and they get on a whole Tarantino kick, which leads them to watch a whole bunch of Jamie Foxx and Samuel L. Jackson movies, which leads them to watch Jurassic Park, which leads them down a whole Spielberg rabbit hole. They can’t help loving and laughing at Jaws, and while neither of them wants to admit it, they love the Indiana Jones movies. The last movie they watched was Hook, and Sander can’t believe he’d never seen it before. Robbe agrees, saying, “Ru-fi-ooooooo.”

---

I hope that was fun. I ran out of steam at the end, but I gave it my best try. Thank you, anon, for sending me this ask, and again I’m sorry I sat on it for so long. I love these two with my whole heart, so if anyone else wants to send fun headcanon asks, please do! Sorry if this sucks. I tried.

#wtfock #wtfam #sobbe #robbe x sander #headcanons #bc i now need a headcanon tag...Eeeee #if you wanna know how i really feel about R+J it's in I Want it All #that's probably my favorite scene i've ever written #i had so much fun giving Sander my opinions #thank you for indulging me with this #i am well aware that i don't probably watch what other people watch #so i apologize if the movies i chose are meh #I case it’s not obvious sander is totally messing with Robbe about the titanic thing #he does NOT think it’s romantic #my asks #lovely anons

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edward-little · 3 years

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honestly honestly honestly goodsir’s characterization in the mutineers’ camp is so fucking interesting. people have talked about how he loses his zest for life, his will to live, his gentleness, his hopefulness (or naïvité, depending), his ego in its entirety. goodsir as we come to know him drops off the face of the planet; he has no reassurance to offer gibson, nothing but instruction for crozier. even names, a symbol of the individual even if everyone within a 10 mile radius is called thomas, escape him.

when gibson comes to him about his progressing illness, goodsir outlines his decline and tells him that he should expect to die. that he has no sympathy for the men who took him is understandable, as gibson points out: “i wouldn’t, either, doctor.” “what’s that?” “comfort us. any of us.” goodsir expresses his disdain for the mutineers by withholding the qualities required of a doctor, and loses the characterization we recognize. even his ep 5 “does that really work on anyone, mr. hickey?” remark was prompted by hickey remarking on a gesture of kindness offered him; goodsir has gone from “you shouldn’t carry heavy things until your wounds mend” to “it will get worse, this.” we can detect a chipping away when he resolves to test the tinned food on jacko, or when he goes to crozier to report on his findings. he shows some sort of horror at jacko’s death and carries her corpse on the walk out as reminder and incentive; he directs silna away from the tinned food and breaks down when morfin dies as a result of the pain he endured from lead poisoning. in these moments, we see him acting, resolving to act, or having a crisis over the lack of adequate, life-saving action. at the mutineers’ camp, he’s spurred into action by an imminent threat to hodgson’s life, but that action is an order from hickey. the only self-affected momentum he displays brings him to his own death.

(the most dramatic change in goodsir, in my opinion, shows when crozier tells him to cut open irving’s stomach. however, the murder of an indigenous family is not About a white man on an imperialist expedition, nor is the character of goodsir capable of understanding the loss in an appreciable way. after all, he tells silna that people in england are good.)

one of the questions i’m interested in ruminating over is, is his part in the goodsir-gibson-(later hickey-)tent scene cruel? it’s not comfort, and the discussion of whether or not the mutineers deserve comfort isn’t one i find relevant in this case-- desert, as it were, isn’t on the table. the part where hickey stabs gibson pits goodsir and hickey against one another, hickey holding gibson on the knife and close to him, while goodsir tries to separate them from one another. hickey looks at goodsir with reproach over the top of gibson’s head. hickey’s prior words to gibson-- “we’ll make the best of a bad situation, as we always have”-- suggest that he considers it a killing done for a greater good (whether that greater good means feeding the camp alone or if he included putting gibson out of his misery in that assessment, i couldn’t tell you.) but while goodsir makes no effort to comfort gibson regarding his imminent death, he still makes some effort, however belated, to stop hickey’s murder of him. we can infer (or, at least, i can infer at 3:45 AM) that he prefers letting gibson’s illness play out to its conclusion, knowing in great detail the misery it brings. he had cried after morfin’s death; it was admittedly a violent one, but it was one which came as a result of one of the two illnesses the crew suffered. he offered morfin treatments for his symptoms, but has nothing for gibson but candor. if we position hickey as the merciful one, then of course goodsir becomes the cruel one. with nothing in his arsenal but broken glass, poison, and his medical knowledge, maybe the only mercy is the one he enacts upon and through himself.

the other thing i’ve been thinking about is what would goodsir have done if he, rather than bridgens, had been the one to tend to fitzjames just prior to his death. firstly, in staying with crozier’s crew, would he have undergone the same loss of substance as he had with the mutineers? my guess is that it would have been slow enough so that he would have been in a better mental place during fitzjames’ death scene than during gibson’s. then again, he would also have had more of his things at his disposal, and would likely have had more to offer than an indifferent recitation of worsening symptoms. secondly, when fitzjames asks crozier to “help [him] out of it,” would goodsir, like bridgens, have offered a drug to ease him along? if bridgens was thinking romeo and juliet or hamlet at the time, goodsir would likely have taken a less poetic approach. the goodsir of ep 9 is also a different goodsir from ep 7, though, so maybe he would have had less of a tolerance for life for life’s sake. goodsir from gibson’s death scene might have sat and watched crozier massage the mystery liquid down fitzjames’ throat, or he might not have volunteered any assistance at all. a goodsir who hadn’t been removed from the others, who had some sort of emotional attachment to the crew he was around (if not for the presence of warm feelings, than for the fact that none of them were hickey), who hadn’t yet been confronted with the prospect of aiding and participating in cannibalism, might not have changed the scene.

#harry goodsir #death ment //#murder ment //#racism ment //#ask to tag //#no fucking clue where i'm trying to go here i'm just. i'm just vibin

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marvelsimp · 3 years

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The New Kid: Friend or Foe

The New Kid Masterlist

Ch. 5

Genre: Fluff? Pairing: Peter & Lesbian!reader, Avengers & Reader, (eventual Wanda x Reader it’s a slow burn) Warnings: violence(training), blood, stabbed, strong language Description: Y/n is getting used to living in the tower and makes an unlikely friend Reader’s Powers: Healer, telepath, and empath. Word Count: 2278

“You can’t pull your punches, Y/n/n. In a real fight, you’re gonna have to fight for your life.”

“You know my whole power set is pacifist.”

“That’s why I have to train you,” said the slightly annoyed red-haired woman. “Now get your head in the game and let’s go again.”

You scoffed; you were frustrated that you had to do this. That you had to learn how to hurt people. You took a moment to stretch and you both went back into your fighting stances to start again.

You went to punch her face, but she dodged, she then raised her leg and tried to kick but you caught her foot. She quickly got her foot free before you could do anything with it. This went on for a while, you both got some good punches and kicks. You did land on your ass a few times, but you got up each time and went back to it.

“Time out”

Thank god.

Steve walked in. Oh god no. You knew what was coming, you were gonna have to fight Steve. You very dramatically fell on the floor and spread out. “Come on, Nat. This is creeping up on child abuse,” you laugh.

You earned a chuckle out of both of them. Steve stood above you and offered you his hand to which you accepted. Nat went onto showing you some simple moves to help you fight someone bigger than you after about an hour you finally got to go and get a shower and really start your day.

The last week and a half passed by quickly. Peter stayed at the tower for the first few nights but went back home once school started. But he would come after patrol and he still video called during homework, like usual.

Most of your time was spent in one of the labs. You have been helping Tony with one of his suits as a way for him to familiarize you with the machines and programs. Bruce did less hands-on work he worked on calculations for his own projects and did some work for SHEILD. You went down to the Med Lab a few times to give Dr. Cho some blood samples or some information about your powers. She took a small sample of skin, fat, and muscle from your thigh, but it healed within a minute like nothing ever happened.

You also spent some time in the gym, which you hated but the others made it a little more fun. You were really only doing it to get ready for training with Nat. When you first went in you had no clue what you were doing. Sam, Bucky, and Steve were doing some training exercise when you entered but Sam quickly saw your very clueless face and walked over to help.

“Hey, kid.”

“Hi.”

“I’m assuming you have no clue what you’re doing? You look as clueless as I would if I went up to the Tech Lab.”

“That obvious?”

He let out a chuckle. Sam gave you some stretches to warm up and then showed you how to use some of the machines. He gave you advice on how long to use each machine and told you that if you needed anything just yell. The rest of your time in the gym you watched the three men do whatever they were doing. Sam and Bucky’s bickering was very entertaining and so was Steve yelling at them to focus. You were there for around an hour every day until Nat started to train you. You very quickly learned that you grew muscle faster than the average person and you weren’t sore for very long.

When you weren’t in the lab or the gym you were probably in your room playing a game or you were talking to Wanda while she was making a meal. “So, are you the assigned cook?” you joked. You’d only ever seen Wanda prepare meals since you got here.

Wanda just shook her head, “Not really. I just enjoy it, so I usually am the one to cook. But Bruce sometimes cooks and so do Steve and Bucky. When I first joined I helped Steve add a bit of flavor to his meals. Thank god I didn’t live in the 40s.” She laughed a little, you love her laugh and smile, they seem to make the room a little brighter.

You weren’t a cook yourself so you didn’t help too much, but you would talk to her and get her something if she needed it but usually, she’d just use her powers.

That’s really the only time that you see Wanda, most of her day is spent training. She’s Strange’s apprentice. You still haven’t met him, for someone who can make portals you’d think he’d pop in at some point. You asked Wanda about seeing him, but she told you that you need to be invited or it needs to be something important. She warned against pissing him off because it takes a while to get back on his good side. But she told you she’d mention it to him.

You got into a rhythm of training, breakfast, tech lab, lunch, med lab, tech lab, supper, and Video games, the library, or more time in the tech lab. It was rarely thrown off. Every few days someone would go out for a mission or return from one. Nat only missed two training sessions, so Bucky stood in. You enjoyed training with Nat, but Bucky made sure to put some fun into it. At first, he seemed so cold but after some warming up, he really was just a big Teddy Bear. He can still be an ass though.

Your days stayed on this loop for another week until Thor returned with Loki. No one fully trusted Loki so Stark ended up putting a tracker on him that Wanda enchanted so that Loki couldn’t remove or deactivate it… he was not impressed. Well, he was, just not pleased.

“You must be Lady Y/n,” Loki smirked.

Thor whacked the back of Loki’s head. “Be good,” he whispered.

Loki just let out a mischievous laugh, “Don’t worry brother.” Loki turned back to you, “So you’re the one who discovered me? I wouldn’t expect a mere mortal would be able to find me out... not even THE Scarlet Witch did.”

“You’re impressed?” you scoffed. “Or maybe a little jealous.” You knew that he’s the god of mischief and you aren’t gonna deal with any of his shit, you’ve got enough going on.

“No,” he defended, “Just interested.”

“I’m a telepath and empath,” you explained, “and a healer.”

“Oh! So, you cheated!”

“What do you mean cheat? Your thoughts were so loud you were giving me a headache!”

“I will get my revenge.”

He’s going to so annoying, isn’t he?

Loki was surprisingly quiet over the next week until you went to the tower’s library.

The library itself is a whole floor, it has a copy of every book you could think of. It even has a librarian who is almost constantly putting up new releases. It’s a bookworm’s dream.

You wanted to find a physics book or two and you weren’t against finding a new queer fantasy book. You returned your books and asked Mx. Anderson where you could find what you were looking for and they quickly gave you directions and suggestions.

You found and picked out a few physics books and then made your way to the young adult section. The queer books have a rainbow sticker on the spine. You picked out a few then headed to leave, you walked into the “classics” section and there was Loki on a couch reading with a pile of books next to him.

“Hey,” you smiled.

“Hello,” said the Asgardian who didn’t even look up from his book.

You bent down a little to sew the cover of the surprisingly thin book. “Oh, you’re reading Shakespeare!” He was reading Hamlet. “My favorite is Romeo and Juliet. Have you read it yet?” He finally looked up from his book. “No,” he seemed a little confused, “But I did read a few others of his work and I think that is in my stack.” He turned to find it. “It has such odd language compared to the rest of you.”

“They were written like four hundred years ago,” you explained, sitting next to him.

“Ah, language does change quite quickly.”

You nodded in agreement.

“What are you reading?” he said pointing at your stack of books.

“Oh, uh um. These big books are physics books, and these smaller ones are fantasy romance.”

“Hmm, you don’t seem to be one who reads romance.”

“Well, I’m really more into it for the fantasy elements but I do enjoy a good romance.”

He gave you a smirk,” Besides Romeo and Juliet and any of Shakespeare’s works. Do you have any recommendations for me?”

You went on to recommend some classics and some more recent books. He listened to every word and asked a few questions. You didn’t stay long; you were tired and just wanted to dive into one of your books. You would usually be in the lab at this time, but it was nice to have a few hours to yourself before dinner.

“Knock, knock,” said a voice at your door.

“Hm?” you looked up. “Peter!” you set down your book and ran to him for a hug. It had been a while since Peter had come to the tower. He hadn’t even been introduced to Loki, formally that is. ‘How’s my favorite bug!”

Peter let out a laugh, “Good! You’re acting like we don’t talk every day.”

“Video calls and in-person are completely different things! Anyways what are you doing here?”

“It’s Thursday aka movie night.”

“Oh, yeah!”

You and Peter walked out of your room and went to the common space to eat dinner.

“Lady Y/n,” said a booming voice.

“Yes, Thor!”

“Would you and the Man of Spiders like to sit next to me and my brother?”

“Yes, we’d love that,” you laughed.

“So, you’re telling me that you’ve never had ice cream!” you practically yelled at Loki.

Everyone was surprised with how comfortable you and the trickster were with each other, especially Peter.

“What’s with you and him?” Peter whispered.

“We bonded over books,” you whispered back. “Your girlfriend would like him.”

Peter smiled, he’s pleased that you’re getting along with everyone and most of all that you’re happy.

The rest of the night was nice, it was just like the last two movie nights. Dinner, talking, movie, and then Peter had to leave to finish his homework or go on patrol.

The next week was just like you had gotten there but Loki had decided that it was a perfect time to really embrace his title. He started to pull little pranks, nothing too bad or really anything that went beyond a little annoyance. Or at least he didn’t until today.

It was Saturday so you slept in because you thankfully did not have to go to training. You were about to leave when you noticed a box on your desk. It was about the size of a backpack. So, you decided to open it and when you looked inside there was a black cat with emerald eyes. Who got you a cat? You like cats and like…thanks? But still, who would get you a cat out of nowhere? You picked up the cat and as soon as you did it started to transform, and you felt a sharp pain in your side. The cat continued to transform into of course… Loki. The raven hair man quickly sprinted out of your room to the common area.

You looked down and there was a fucking kitchen knife in your side.

“You bitch! I like this shirt!” you yelled while running out of your room.

When you entered the common room, Loki was nowhere to be seen. But Nat, Bucky, and Steve were there. “Where did he go?”

“Who?” Nat turned around and saw the knife in your side. Her eyes widened, then she looked fucking pissed. “What the fuck! Are you okay?” The men's emotions followed the same track.

“Oh yeah,” you said nonchalantly. You pulled the bloody knife out of your side. Some blood soaked into your shirt’s fabric, but you weren’t worried. But you do like this shirt… that bitch is gonna pay.

“Do you want me to kill him?” said the brunette man bluntly.

“Don’t worry, I got this.” You rushed into the elevator and told Friday to take you to Loki.

The elevator lowered to the Library. Of course.

“Sorry, Mx. Anderson!” you yelled while running by their desk. “There will be yelling and possibly blood shed!” You already know where he is. He’s in the classics.

There he was sitting on the couch, nonchalantly reading the Iliad.

“You’re a fucking bitch you know? I really like this shirt!” you waved the knife in your hand around.

“Oh please. You’re a healer, you’ll be fine.”

You crossed your arms, “LOKI. My fucking shirt.”

He raised his arms in defense. “It just a blood and a slight rip.”

You walked up to Loki and took off your shirt, thankfully you were wearing an undershirt that you didn’t care about. You handed the shirt to him. “Fix it then.”

He accepted the shirt and scoffed. “Fine.” He waved his hand over the shirt and it was now good as new.

“See, that was easy.” You grabbed the shirt and started to walk away. “And don’t stab me again! I think two assassins would very happily kill you!”

NEXT CHAPTER

Ice Cream or Blood

#The Avengers #avengers #loki #avengers x reader #reader-insert #x reader #lesbian reader #avengers x platonic!reader #peter parker #peter parker x platonic!reader

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cto10121 · 3 years

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Does R&J Play With Gender Stereotypes?

So I came across this piece of meta by @hamliet that rather intrigued me:

There’s also another layer here: the imagery Romeo uses for Juliet (the sun) and that Juliet uses for Romeo (the moon) is the inverse of how imagery was typically presented in those days. The moon was feminine; the sun, masculine. Even if we look at Romeo and Juliet’s respective character traits, Romeo is the flighty, impulsive, love-struck one who cries all the time, while Juliet is the decisive, bold, and loyal one. That’s the first thing Juliet declares to Romeo in the balcony scene: that she will always be loyal, and she shows this in every choice she makes in the story.

Let’s break this down.

“the imagery Romeo uses for Juliet (the sun) and that Juliet uses for Romeo (the moon) is the inverse of how imagery was typically presented in those days. The moon was feminine; the sun, masculine.”

Romeo does indeed call Juliet the sun, but Juliet never calls Romeo the moon—or likens him with anything symbolically feminine, come to think of it. The closest she or the play gets is a small but clear association with night: Romeo has “night’s cloak to hide me from their eyes” and Juliet implores “loving, black-browed” night to give her her Romeo. Even then it is so that he can “make the face of heaven so fine / That all the world will be in love with night / And pay no worship to the garish sun.”

Instead, Juliet consistently uses the same love language of authority as Romeo does with her, calling him her lord, husband, knight, “day-in-night,” “mansion of a love,” “god of my idolatry,” and, (my particular favorite), “tassel-gentle” or “falcon.” “Pilgrim” is the lowest social rank she uses, but of course she is following Romeo’s pilgrim-and-saints flirtation and its wink-wink bilingual allusion to his name. Romeo’s use of “sun,” then, could be viewed in the context of both lovers conferring cosmic/earthly authority, beauty, ownership, and sovereignty to each other—the Elizabethan equivalent of calling each other wife/husband. And of course they begin doing that immediately after they marry.

Even if we look at Romeo and Juliet’s respective character traits, Romeo is the flighty, impulsive, love-struck one who cries all the time, while Juliet is the decisive, bold, and loyal one.

Definitely not. Romeo is plenty decisive and bold—making the first move in wooing Juliet, climbing the orchard wall, showing himself to Juliet, immediately agreeing to marry her, nearly killing himself when he thinks Juliet might not take him back and, er, actually killing himself for her. I wouldn’t say he is impulsive, either—though he makes decisions fairly quickly, it is almost always with some deliberation beforehand (“Can I go forward when my heart is here?” “Shall I hear more or shall I speak at this?” and his monologue after Mercutio’s exit) and of course there are instances in which he restrains himself (“I am too bold” and his monologue after Mercutio’s death). The most accurate description of Romeo is that he is a risk taker—at least when he is well and truly motivated. And even then it does not rob his deliberation or even his wits.

He is also not flighty. In fact, he proves just as loyal as Juliet—as soon as he meets her, he forgets about Rosaline and leaves her clear behind. He doesn’t once waver in his conviction that Juliet is for him and makes plans to die with her (and does!). His love for Rosaline is clearly framed by the narrative as shallow, performative, and passive, and the verse bears this out. He was never in any kind of relationship with Rosaline—his love was an unrequited crush that he was at perfectly liberty to have ditched, frankly. After that, it’s Juliet, Juliet, Juliet until he dies.

Also, once more, Romeo is no crybaby. He explicitly cries a total of two times—one even before the events of the play, when he pines over Rosaline under a grove of sycamore, and another when he’s 1) seen Mercutio get mortally wounded, 2) killed Tybalt, 3) learned that he is banished from the city, and 4) mistakenly believed that Juliet no longer wants him (the Nurse’s reply is vague enough to be misinterpreted); at the very least he is devastated to have been the cause of her pain. Anyone would break down in those circumstances. Juliet herself breaks down on hearing the news and arguably is more verbally vehement than Romeo—namely, that even the words “Romeo is banishèd” are worse than if herself, Romeo, her parents, and Tybalt were dead. She ends that monologue with a passive suicide threat: “And Death, not Romeo, take my maidenhead!” How anyone can argue Juliet isn’t as lovestruck as Romeo is beyond me.

What Shakespeare was most likely aiming for was showing the mutuality of R&J’s love with parallel scenes and even language. Both have chances to act strong, decisive, and bold, both show vulnerability and great emotion and passion, both are lovestruck. Both demonstrate so-called “masculine” and “feminine” traits, which is almost always culturally-and time-based, anyway. There are only a few key differences between the two—almost all of the above traits, however, they both share. It’s almost as if…Shakespeare understood that no man or woman had all masculine or all feminine traits.

Moving on to the conclusion:

In other words, Shakespeare was deliberately playing with gender and its stereotypes in the play, which gains an even more interesting layer to it when you consider that Shakespeare was himself almost certainly bisexual (his sonnets are preeeetty explicit). It’s not a patriarchal narrative; it can well be seen as a queer narrative in a patriarchal society. And it shouldn’t take two kids having to kill themselves to get society to realize how effed up it is. It isn’t an out-of-touch play, but instead one extremely relevant to our society 500+ years later.

You just opened up 200+ years of fandom wank, OP. I’ll just do a quick sum-up.

The Sonnets are a complete mess. They are contradictory as hell, there is clearly more than one persona speaking, there is evidence that Shakespeare edited and revised them, evidence they were published with his permission, quite a few sonnets are based on pre-existing sources, and, most damnably of all, none of the most likely candidates for the so-called Fair Youth and Dark Lady fit the narrative of the Sonnets perfectly or even satisfactorily—if there is even a clear narrative to these things to begin with. Sonnets were artificial works whose clichés and conventions were heavily satirized in Shakespeare’s own works—Berowne’s own rant-y sonnet swearing he would never believe in love sonnets comes most readily to mind. They were usually not meant to denote an actual real-life relationship, although there was a kind of “game” in trying to figure out which parts are true and which ones fiction. At least one sonnet sequence had a completely fictional addressee (Fulke Greville, I think).

Shakespeare’s sonnets do break a lot of these rules and conventions, and radically, and as they seem to have been compiled over many years, they lend themselves to autobiographical speculation. But, as a bit of a poet myself, I feel this: No one writes 154 sonnets—plus a whole narrative poem!—to one lover or even multiple lovers. Poetry is much less personal than laypeople think. Outside the sonnets, Shakespeare is not linked to any man romantically, and, besides his wife, only to two women (unnamed citizen’s wife and Jane Devanant).

Even if we assume Shakespeare’s bi, though, that doesn’t mean R&J is a queer narrative, which brings us to…

It’s not a patriarchal narrative; it can well be seen as a queer narrative in a patriarchal society.

A queer narrative that has its lovers express their love through the language of heterosexual marriage (husband, lord, wife, lady, pilgrim/saint), and commit suicide by a chalice-and-blade symbolism that mimics heterosexual sex (Romeo drinking a “cup” of poison and Juliet stabbing herself with Romeo’s dagger. Freud couldn’t have done it better). If Shakespeare was thinking “gay allegory!!!” he would have had to at least change or erase the symbolism (straight coding?) of the double suicide, or have Juliet attribute to Romeo explicitly feminine imagery. He would have to have done some major plot rejiggering. He would have had to, in short, change the whole story.

(Unless by “queer narrative” you mean “anything that has an emotionally constipated male lead who doesn’t growl sexily and a female lead who doesn’t cry/faint at the drop of a hat.” That’d be most every narrative, lol.)

Also, I’m hard-pressed to think of love romances that are 100% patriarchal narratives, and those that do (Casablanca, maybe?) are not really true ones, anyway. Patriarchy inherently opposes all romances of love and sex, including heterosexual. It demands that men be raised as soldiers to kill enemies, slaughtered, and discarded, and women as chattel and land to be bought and sold. Marriage was that transferral of property. Having children is necessary, not out of love and care for them, but to propagate the species and create even more future warriors and womb incubators. It grudgingly accepts only (mostly straight and like maybe 1 or 2 gay) love narratives that can be subsumed into this narrow paradigm, but the tension of interpretation is always present. Ideally, it prefers to ignore, diminish, scorn and mock, or even suppress them. I suspect most people’s problems and discomfort with R&J stem from this pathology, this deep-seated unease over anything that touches on human experience patriarchy can’t quite control or subsume.

Shakespeare was obviously no lover of patriarchy (in his personal life, though…well, it’s debatable). His plays resist it greatly to various degrees, and R&J is no exception. R&J hews much closer to the reality of heterosexual love and love in general, which are informed by, though are not inherently tied to, patriarchy (as are gay relationships, sadly). Shakespeare is just being a good writer in throwing most of that rotten apple away; it doesn’t apply to what he was trying to do, anyway. R&J’s challenge to patriarchy, though, is heterosexual in nature.

And it shouldn’t take two kids having to kill themselves to get society to realize how effed up it is. It isn’t an out-of-touch play, but instead one extremely relevant to our society 500+ years later.

True dat.

#romeo and juliet #shakespeare #cristina metas #rj meta #r&j meta #rj are just so boyxgirl op #accept it and you will find peace #repressive traditional gender roles are back in fashion it seems #the victorians couldn’t accept romeo as a man either and had him be played by an actress #but if we’re going to take our notions of gender from the victorians of all people well…

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psycho-pass-saiko · 3 years

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A bit change in order of the events in Gekijouban. What would happen if Akane was also kidnapped with Kougami?

…

Inside the abandoned chapel,the air was damp and smelly. It was already past sunset, the base of the enemy was enlighetened with dim lights. At the center of the chapel, six bodies were present.

“No! NO!” A desperation mixed furious voice escaped from Kogami’s sore throat. A man with a quite bulky appearence, started to walk towards Akane. Kogami tried to rise on his feet but the chains around his wrists were pulled instantly to sides once he moved. He grunted through his teeth, tasting the metalic taste of his blood in his mouth. He was bleeding, almost everywhere. His black shirt was shattered, half of it was hanging from his abdomen to the ground. On his bare skin you could see the whip wounds as well as small yet good amount of blade cuts. He was chained through his wrists, his arms were forcefully hanged to his sides by a blonde woman and a midget man. They once again pulled his arms to warn him to behave. Pain was everywhere. He had a high tolarence of pain yet he just wanted to whine, laying on the cold stone floor. But he knew he couldnt. Because-

“Fuck off!” Kougami, once again cursed when he heard Akane’s distressed voice. His blurry vision focused once again on her. The bulky short haired blonde man was now next to her, grabbing her arms over her head, he sat on her waist.

“Looking at him, maybe we should have called him “Target Romeo” instead of Delta, hmm?” said the black man with a whip in his hands. For a second Kogami didnt hear him as he was too busy worrying about Akane at that moment. He hissed, rose on his knees. He grabbed the chains with his palms, pulling them forward. The men who was handling his chains were caught off of guard so they tripped one or two steps, allowing him to have a step forward. It was enough for him to face the bastard. Their leader, with a bionic arm and leg was nowhere to be seen. Instead of him another man of his, with a basic black shirt and trousers but striking red hair , was carrying out their torture session. He startled when beaten up Kougami got closer. With a calm yet bloodthirsty whisper, Kougami looked directly into their torturer’s eyes.

“If you touch her one more time,” he narrowed his eyes, continued with his stone cold voice. “ I will tear you apart limb by limb with my own teeth.”

Everyone in the room halt for a second.

Red haired man was the first to break away from the hostile threat of his. He gulped down, smirked eagerly.

“Not before i tear you apart, you rice-rat.” Just as he finished his sentence, his whip found Kougami’s face. With a sudden pain he kneeled down once again, gasping for air.

“Kougami! Get the fuck off me right now!” Akane saw the moment whip hitting his face. She was also tortured, kicked, punched, even stripped halfway from her clothes. She had only her cargo pants and bra on, her torso fully naked. But nothing hurted as much as seeing him suffering in front of her, more than her. She felt the furious tears coming to her eyes but instead she growled behind her throat, facing the man who was on her stomach. Short haired blonde man was gazing upon her,as if she was a meal he was about to enjoy. She frowned with rage. “Get of me!” hissed. Who was sitting on her was a very muscular man with bionic limbs over his chest and shoulders, twice--no, triple size of her. She realized taking a breath got harder every second. But she didnt care about it, her only thoughts were about how to kick this prick’s ass as soon as possible. She heard some chain clatters but couldnt turn her head as the guy grabbed her chin with a force. “You are one wild cat, arent you?” His disgusting giggling almost made Akane throw up, but she had nothing in her stomach to do so. So she spitted on his face instead.

“Free me and i will show you what kind of cat i am, you idiot!” she threated him but only got another laugh as a response. Fingers around her chin squeezed her skin more.

“I now see why he is favoring you, kitty. Its much more fun when your partner is wild and reluctant as you are.” The bulky guy, suddenly grabbed her left breast with his free hand. Akane, flinched with the sudden touch but didnt make any sounds, only frowning more. He leaned forward, more of his weight crushing her. His face was so close that she could smell the alcohol from his stinky breath. Akane heard a sudden gasping from her left and looked towards it. Only to catch Kogami’s gaze with hers. She felt shivers on every part of her body. Not because the touch on her skin, but the look in his eyes. His usual bright blue shines were nowhere to be seen. A fresh red wound was over his right forehead to end of his right cheek, covering his agonized expression. His gaze was now pitch black, reminding her a black hole. The monster inside him was already ready to take the control. She almost saw the image of a hellhound. Kogami, didnt- couldnt hold himself anymore, with a exhale, he released the creature inside of him.

A loud thud and one painful scream.

These were the only things Akane could hear when her face once again forcefully pulled back as the guy was kissing, nimping her bare neck now.

Everything happened in seconds.

Kougami, now more different than his usual self, more brutal, grabbed the chain in his right palm and pulled with a sudden inhumanly power, breaking the steel. The woman who was holding the chain fell on the floor but no one cared about her at that moment, since Kougami was already attacking the man in front of him. His right hand, chain still hanging on his wrist, grabbed the neck of the red haired man who was smirking. With a hoarse growl under his breath, he cracked his neck bone as he closed his grasp over him. Man’s body went limp, the smirk still on his lips. Well, he didnt find time to change his expression. Kougami opened his fingers to drop the corpse in his hand. He remembered the second guy who was holding the chain on his left arm when his arm pulled backwards. But Kougami didnt move an inch, only aimed for the guy who was still on Akane. Swinging his right arm back, he threw the broken chain in his right hand to forward. Chain, as his plan, found its aim, tangled around the bulky guy’s neck like a snake as Kougami grabbed the steel and pulled him back. The blonde guy, with shock and confusion, reached to his choked throat with both of his hands, releasing Akane. Making the biggest mistake. Akane without spending a second rose up halfly with her torso and punched the adam apple’s of the guy’s, just over the chains.

She felt the crack before hearing it.

First his eyes shutted down then his body went unconscious over her. But this time Akane pulled herself to left, saving herself from getting crushed by his massive shape. The chain over the laying man was fiercely pulled back again, only then she hurried and pulled her legs from the weight of him. She quickly stood up, turning to Kougami’s side. He was being dragged on the floor as the woman who fell before also started to pull the chain attached to his left arm. Akane panickly turned back to the body of the bulky man, she grabbed the dagger which was placed on the belt of his right leg, then dashed towards the enemy.

Kougami was on his knees and right hand, but another strong pull made him fell on his left side. His bare chest scraped over the rough stone floor. He felt his skin peeled. With a sour whine he blinked. Just before of his blinking, Kougami saw a glance of a brunette hair although his blood was blocking his sight. Akane, reached to the attackers. Woman dropped her grip of the chains and reached over Akane. But she squated down, attacking from low ground, she stabbed her side, near to her kidney. Blonde woman grunted with immerse pain and doubled over, yet Akane saw the odd smile on her face. With a shiver on her spine Akane elbowed her face before turning over the other guy, leaving the dagger on the woman’s body . As she lifted her head to right she was startled when she found a chilly feeling of the metal, now a gun was on her forehead.

“Stop right now! Kneel!” shouted the short, ponytailed man. She could see his hesitation, even in his prosthetic yellow eyeball.

Akane sighed, gave him a bold look.

“You are not even holding the handgrip right.”

The guy, one hand on Kogami’s chain other holding a gun to her, frowned with confusion. And this moment was the moment she was yearning for.

She quickly hit the inside of his gun holding wrist and with a twist she took the gun from his hand, now aiming his head with a stable aim.

“Loose the chain. Now.” She hissed with a wrathful expression on her. Her finger tensed on the trigger.

Short man instantly dropped the chain that he was holding and without even looking his back started to run with gasps.

Not until he disappeared into the darkness of the corridor in front of them Akane relieved. But she immediately tensed up again, turned to her behind. Kougami was laying on the ground, facedown, seemed to be unconsicous.

She panicked and reached to his body in a couple of steps. She glided on her knees next to him on the ground, carefully turning him to his back. His left arm was reaching backwards on the ground, as she carefully grabbed his arm bringing to his side.

“Kougami?” a shaky voice called his name.

She didnt get a response.

All those years as a detective, all those corpses or the murder scenes she saw, nothing made her lose her cool, not completely at least.

But now, she felt her heart stopped. All the blood in her veins, turned into ice.

“Kougami!” She gasped with a dying scream, holding his face between her palms. He was cold. So cold. Or was it her fingers? She couldnt tell the diferrence as the panic spreaded over her body more each second. She slicked his bloody damp hair aside, tried to open his eyes. But they shutted down once she stoped touching his eyelids.

Her hands started to tremble, moving around his limp, wounded body. She felt the bruises, semi healed wounds, open and still bleeding cuts.... there was so much blood, so much... while her fear grew bigger inside her own chest, she remembered her first-aid lessons as she leaned over his teared shirt to listen his heartbeats. Just the second agter she put her left ear on his heart, Kougami coughed harshly, shaking her head. Akane quickly pulled her head back and leaned over his face.

“Kougami?! Kougami, can you hear me? Kouga-“

“Stop screaming for a second, please.” He whispered with his dry chapped lips, voice hoarse. His eyes were still closed but a second later they opened slowly. A grayish blue flames showed themselves under the yellow dim lights. His gaze went over her as far as they can, since he couldnt even move his head.

“Are you okay? Do you have any wounds? Where are they- UGH!” She slammed him down when he desperately tried to rise on his elbow.

“For fucks sake, stay down. Oh my god,” she cursed between her sobs. Wiped her own tears to see him clearer, as she was only looking a distorted vision of him a second ago because of the burning tears in her eyes. Kougami knew it was serious, if she was cursing.

“Are you in pain?” He asked softly. Akane looked at his eyes. She saw the pure worry inside of them.

“You are the one who was laying dead just a second ago, dont you dare ask me if i am in pain. Of course i am,” She sobbed once more trying to block the unstoppable tears. She leaned over his face, her forehead on his.

“Please, dont, dont ever do that again.”

Kougami wanted to tease her with a joke but tiredness was stronger. He only sighed to her lips. “I am okay now. Calm down. See?” His trembling right hand placed on her left hand, grabbing his face. As he moved his arm the chains tied to his wrist jangled.

“To be fair, i would much rather have the chains in the bedroom.” No matter how tired, Kougami was Kougami at the end. Akane snorted a small giggle, growing into a real laugh. When he heard her cracked laugh his lips also carved into a grin.

Akane leaned back to look his face properly, did a damage control. Except the whip wound on his face, everything was intact. His right eye was red with blood but it was also responding to her moves, meaning it was okay. She carressed his cheek slightly. “Thank you.”

Kougami leaned over her small palm, silently.

“You did all the job, i was tied down.” He opened his eyes, frowning, was obviously recalling the time when Akane was under that guy minutes ago. “ I should have skinned them alive-“

Akane, silencing him with her thumb on his lips, leaned and put her head on his chest again. Finding peace with his heartbeats. She closed her teary eyes, feeling his hand gently stroking the crown of her head.

‘’What it is in your small head, hmm?’’ asked Kougami.

With a sudden chilly wind, her short hair slicked back of her face. Akane slowly opened her eyes as she smelled the salty damp air of the ocean.

Her gaze met with the softest orange colored sunset of the beach where they were laying on a lounge chair, together.

As she tried to fathom the abrupt change of the scenery, she blinked once or twice. Her head was still on his chest. She could hear the steady heartbeats under his broad ribcage. She softly turned her head back to other side, placing her left ear on his chest. She encountered with his beauty, lighten with the mild sunset sunshine. His usual sharp features were now gentle than ever. Without realizing she reached over his cheek to caress his face. Kougami, leaned over her almost ghostly palm. He frowned, fixing his ocean gray irises on her caramel ones.

Akane only smiled as a response.

Thats was all a memory huh, she thought to herself.

Over their kidnapping, a year had passed. A year was a short period of time but the changes were severe on their life. He was now back in Japan, working for Foreign affairs. He had to travel a lot, as expected. And one of those travels turned out to be a good chance as a vacation for them. So here they were on a famous beach yet rather quiet one at the moment, cuddling as the sun was leaving the horizon for the moon to lighten the night.

She knew he was important to her. But that day, when he was lying half-dead in front of her, in her palms; she learnt he was essential to her, like every breathe she took.

She didnt want the world to turn without him.

She didnt want the sun to burn without him.

And most importantly, she didnt want to live a life without him.

Akane put her left palm on his chest, taking a slight boost from his strong muscles, she lifted her head. Now eye to eye, she let her smile get bigger. The whip wound on the right side of his face was almost gone.

‘’Uhm, nothing, just some memories.’’ She whispered, eyes falling down to his lips.

Kougami relaxed his eyebrows, completely letting himself vulnerable in her presence. He always knew the possibility that she could also get nightmares like him, or visions. And he knew it was not some bright memories she recollected a while ago, in his embrace, shaking subtly. He slowly turned his face to the left only to give a small kiss on her palm.

‘’I suggest you to stay in the moment, inspector.’’ He chuckled as Akane frowned lightly.

‘’ I am not one anymore,’’ referring the change in her title by the Sibyl system’s decision.

‘’ You are always one for me.’’ Said Kougami, fixing his eyes on her. He grinned when she got the meaning behind his sentence.

Clever girl, as always.

Another ocean breeze rushed through their embraced bodies, urging Kougami to cover his book holding hand over her back, gazing towards the horizon.

I cant judge her though, everything feels like a distant dream, he thought to himself. Her softness against his firm body, fair scent of her shampoo and salty ocean, complete calm and peace..

These were not the words or moments he kept in his mind so often. Yet, he decided to burn this moment to back of his eyelids. Like he had done to all the times he shared with her.

‘’ Didnt know you could be so poetic,’’ her voice pulled his eyes to herself again. One word from her lips could make him burn the world, destroy everything in sight. But instead, that one word happened to have more affect than any other, holding his ice cold heart with the warmest hug. ‘’Shinya.’’

Next thing he knew, he was already leaning forward to catch her lips like she did to his heart.

...

Here goes second attempt of me writing a lovely-dovely Shinkane, i hope you guy can enjoy now imma yeet myself to outer space byEEE

#akane tsunemori #kougami shinya #psycho pass #psycho pass manga #shinya kogami #psychopassfanfic #psychopassficlet #psycho pass 3 #shinkane #psycho pass gekijouban #ginoza nobuchika #sugo teppei #psycho pass the movie

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campcampfanfan · 3 years

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Ranking every CC episode (except the specials)

You read the title! Every episode except the specials will be ranked here and now, by your truly. TW for swearing. Also, spoilers, obviously. Remeber these are all my opinions, and enjoy!

Episodes I don’t like too much/ Don’t watch:

54:The Candy Kingpin

I know, I know, probably an unpopular take. I don’t really like Dolph, and think the series could have done without his whole… thing. I like him as a character, sorta, but I also don’t really like him. I honestly forgot this episode even existed until I looked it up, and the only thing I remember was Gwen and David’s conversation. The whole story was… eh? Whatever, it was still fine-ish in the long run.

53: Reigny Day

Enough said. Everyone’s lowkey kind of a jerk in this episode, except for Neil and Max for like two seconds.Also, Dolph jokes. Don’t like it.

52:Cameron Campbell the Campbell Camper

This one was pretty meh. I, once again, didn’t remember it existed until I looked it up. It wasn’t Cam’s best episode (I’ll get to that later), and it was kinda bland. Bland doesn’t mean bad though, but it just wasn’t the best. Only thing I remember was the wholesome Dadvid moment and Max saying a funny line. Enough said about that.

51: Anti Social Network

Now, I wasn’t too sure where to put this, because this was in theory a good episode. I just don’t like it. I’m not sure why, but Max being a tiny perv is very funny to me, because that is exactly what a ten year old is like. I just didn’t really find it interesting or catching my attention, but it wasn’t a bad episode.

50: The Order of the Sparrow

I get why you like this, I totally get it. It’s funny and lots of Dadvid, plus Gwen singing for the first time. Honestly, Gwen singing and David’s mental breakdown is what got this higher than Anti Social Network, but it’s still racist. I get it, it’s comedy, but it’s still really… interesting. I know the CC people are trying their best, and it’s a delicate balance, but I still skip over the first few minutes.

49: Jeremy Fartz

We love a hilarious mess up, Max cursing, and David making fun of someone, but it’s also a really awkward episode? Like, it makes for a really good backstory for Jeremy and joining the Woodscouts, but it’s such an odd episode. Not bad, just odd. Whatever, I still like it. Sorta….

48: Fashion Victims

Oh boy, Russian Waifu comes back. I love Ainsley, she’s my precious baby and Max’s purified Doppelganger, and I love her so much. But Sasha’s not my favorite character in the show, and she got especially mean in this episode. I love the whole Vera thing, but really dislike this one. I watch it once in a while, but not too often. Also, we love positivity from Tabii and Erin.

47:Time Crapsules

We love Gwen blushing, improvement from Max, and making fun of baseball. But this episode really hit me with second hand embarrassment for both Gwen and Max. You know when you can’t sit through an episode without getting second hand embarrassment? Yup, that’s this one. I wanted the guy coming through the door to be David and I’m salty, ok? This is my list, and we stan Gwenvid on this account.

46:Campfire Tales

Dolph’s story was boring, Space Kid was great, We love ghost parents. We l o v e Slenderman! AU David in this household, and I want to see more of them. Oh yeah, outfits were great. Max is a baby in this episode, and I love his fear because it makes you see that he really is a little boy with feelings. I also laugh at everyone’s faces after Space Kid’s story.

Ok Episodes/ Ones I do like:

45:Preston Goodplay’s Goodplay

Oooooo, this is a tough one. I love Preston as a character, because I too am a theatre kid who dislikes most people and wants to be famous for her storytelling. I can relate. I love how David talks to him, and how Preston comes to his realization that he doesn’t need to please everyone. Also, canon French Speaking! David is canon. Amazing. He’s still Candian! Anyway, Clown College was odd, but whatever, I can roll with it.

44: The Quarter Moon Convergence

We totally saw Zemug and no one said anything. No one! Why was no one talking about this! We saw the elder god! Anyways, I love Harrison and Quartermaster working together. It’s funny, it’s clever, and I want to see more of it. I do not like the subplot with the other characters, and it really took me out of the main story. Other than that, pretty interesting idea, and I love my pure magic boy!

43:Who Peed in the Lake

Ew. That’s all I need to say about it. It’s extremely funny, I like the motives, and I love detective Max. However, Nikki and the final answer are disgusting in this episode. It gross, it’s gross, it’s gross, but it’s so funny. I know I have the humor of an eight year old, I don’t care.

42:New Adventure

I love how this episode was played out. Funny, clever, and overall pretty ok. Plus, guess who shows up? Dirty Kevin, my friends! Best trash boy :)

Overall pretty good! Not too many complaints, but not too many great things either.

41:The Fun Raiser

Hmmm… This was an… interesting episode. David and Gwen scheming is my new religion, and they are both idiots. Who the hell thought this plan was a good idea? David? I mean, he’s a little bit dipsy, but has SOME common sense. Gwen? Maybe, but you know, she’s logical. You know what? I’m being too picky. I love my dumbasses, they are the best. Also, Gwen sitting on David is everything I love in my life and everything I need. Harrison makes a very good point, Nikki probably found Jasper’s skull, and Max is my scheming child. Whatever, eh episode, love the plot, but I have cringed at it.

40: Foreign Exchange Students

Like I’ve said before, this episode is out of place. It’s not bad, it’s just… blandish. I know, I know, Russian Waifu was in it, but this episode was only ok. I love Vera and Brian, and the ending is super funny, but other than that, eh episode.

39:Attack of the Nurfs

I honest to gods forgot this episode existed. I ended up rewatching it, and had a few good laughs. Gwen in this episode, for the little time she appears, is so funny. David’s sparkle eyes always make me laugh, and Max ends up making me laugh most of all. Nurf takes “talking to yourself” to a whole new level, and I relate my man. Get that therapy!

38:Camp Cool Kidz

This episode is eh....? I love my tiny rebellious children, but I really hate Ered in this episode. It just feels… so unlike her. I get it, it’s the start of her ark, but really and truly I disliked her character in this episode. On the other hand, Nikki is me trying to flirt with other women. She’s my little baby Pansexual, and I love her to death. Honestly, I really enjoy Nikki episodes, so yeah. Also, the literal moment I began to love Gwen with the “Stab her bitch!” line.

37:Quest to Sleepy Peak Peak

Honestly, I almost never watch this episode, but I still really like it. Nerris’s lines, the battle between two magic folk, the one liners, the ending, oh it was really good. However, some of the parts were boring, it’s not the best, but it’s still pretty good. Whatever, I like Nerrison and magic, so boom.

36:Escape from Camp Campbell

Honestly, what a classic. First episode, Gwen being overall great, “No Running”, Max being a tiny Satan, Nikki and Neil being amazing. But, once again, it’s the first episode, which means some things aren’t the best. But! I do enjoy this one, and watch it sometimes.

35:Mind Freakers

Eh… It’s pretty ok. We love Harrison and Neil being jerks to each other, and we love Max having an identity crisis, but all I could really think through this was “Poor Max” and “This is a really stupid and petty fight”. It really is petty, which isn’t bad, but I feel like ti was an odd episode. Not bad, I thoroughly enjoy it, I just couldn’t swallow normal for a few days….

One I really like/ Second highest ranking:

34:Romeo and Juliet 2: Love Resurrected

Bon Bon~! Yay! We love David for having a Tinder, for Max’s amazing performance, and the drama! That being said, it’s overall a pretty good episode! Not the best, but pretty good!

33:Mascot

Welp, I feel like you all know what I’m getting at. The jokes are well landed, Muack appears for the first time ( and steals the show, and that’s the tea), and my girl Nikki is so precious. Quartermaster is weird as hell, and speaking of which…

32: Quartermaster Appreciation Day

I know, it’s gross, it’s weird, I hate the relationship almost as much as I can, but this episode is so freaking funny. So many of the jokes are well timed, some classic lines come from this episode, and Quartermaster being his weird self is a major playing factor.

31: Space Camp was a hoax

More Gwen and David being two idiots sharing one brain cell? Hell yes, lay it on me. Space Kid is so funny, and his inner dialouge is fantastic. Also, Nikki cursing is incredible, even if it isn’t really on screen. Gwen’s line “Is this what success feels like?” is a major mood, and I just generally think it’s a good episode.

30: Ered gets her cool back

We love Nerris and Ered’s relationship in this household, ok? Older sporty sister spends time with dorky younger sister who has more common sense? Bigger sister gets better at being with other people and learns a lot form the experience? Nikki”s outfit? All major amazing things I love in this episode. But, the plot was a little eh, and I got second hand embarrassment.

29:Jasper dies at the end

All I have to say is H O O E Y

28:Cameron Campbell can’t handle the truth serum

Dolph’s autstic? Oh, ok, that’s pretty cool! We love representation. Anyways, this was an odd episode. Not good, not bad, just… odd. The therapy and plant jokes made my dad have to come in and check on me because I was laughing so loud, and most of the other jokes hit well. But it was… eh plot wise. It was pretty good joke wise though!

27:Journey to Spooky Island

Jasper, Quartermaster’s ahem… thing, and Max screaming were the best things in this episode. This episode is pretty great if I do say so myself, but this is ranked lower because I did not need to imagine Quartermaster like that. Excuse while I go burn out my eyeballs.

26: Camporee

Fuck Pikeman. All my homies hate Pikeman. No seriously, he is my least favorite character on the show. His sexism and gross advances really get to me, and the way he treats Gwen is disgusting. Now I have that out of the way, I actually enjoyed this episode, except for Pikeman. Hot take, I know. I’ve seen the Pikeman X Reader stuff on Wattpad. Whatever, back to the topic. Episode was good overall, especially the lesson. Each person’s talents were fantastic, and the ending itself was great.

25:Camp Corp

We stan business Gwen and her telling Nancy to shut up.I love the plot, forcing three people who usually don’t work together to solve a common problem. I love that, and it does make for an interesting story. However, there are some flaws to the episode, but it’s overall pretty fantastic!

24:Follow the Leader

Are you kidding me? This was a great idea. Funny, creative, inventive, and overall pretty good. Playing with how each character leads was a great idea, and very inventive to give them all a common goal. Why it’s so low is personal pettiness. Pikeman, and Jasper was probably on the island when it blew up.

23:Squirrel Camp

Why is this so high up? *Looks at notes* Oh yeah, it’s so stupid I actually like it. No, but for real though, I know people don’t like this one as much as I do, but I think it’s pretty funny. Sure, dumb idea and kind of mediocore, but to me it’s so fun and entertaining. I’m sorry if you don’t agree, but you can make your own list if you’d like. It’s such a weird plot it’s entertaining. You get me?

22:Panicked Room

I just really like this episode, no rhyme or reason. It’s really funny and romantic, and the interactions were so good. David and Gwen through this episode were amazing for the mere seconds they were on screen, but it was overall pretty good!

21: City Survival

I couldn’t remember much of what happened in this so I ended up rewatching it. We love Dirty Kevin, David’s reaction to the city, and David being a homeless twink. Gwen also has the fancy outfit in this episode, and I am all for that.

20: Cookin Cookies

Three girls accidentally start a meth lab and go all breaking bad? Hell yes.It’s funny, the completion of everyone getting father figures, and it’s an overall good idea. It’s creative, good, it’s amazing. I really wanted to know what the main three were doing though, I’m actually kinda curious. Anyways, good story, and very enjoyable.

19:Keep the change

I found this episode very entertaining! Dadvid, Campbell getting better, funny moments, and a good plot! It’s really a great episode, and establishes what the season will be about. In fact, I believe I have themes for all the seasons:

Season 1:Beginnings

Season 2: Family

Season 3:Friends

Season 4: Change

18:Parent’s Day

Ok, Ok, know, Dadvid, but really I feel like this episode is a tiny bit overhyped. I love the Dadvid, Candy and Carl (Except I really don’t ship Neil/Nikki anymore), and how Max’s … situation is handled. Yes, I am on the side of thinking Max’s parents are abusive or at least ignorant. They just don’t care, and that’s where Max’s attitude comes from. It was well handled, and I very much like this episode.

17:Dial M for Jasper

I love Jasper with all of my heart, and watching his backstory was both heartbreaking and amazing. It wasn’t what I was expecting, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Watching it made me hate Campbell more than I did, and I expect the episode where David finds out about Jasper would be heartbreaking. David most likely screams and curses at Campbell, and takes off. I’m hoping Gwen runs after him, but that’s wishful thinking.\

16:David gets hard

The ending is amazing, I love learning about Nurf’s trauma, and watching Gwen,Max, and David scheming is incredible. It was interesting to see Nurf's side of the story, and it was pretty good. Enough said.

15:Cult Camp

Yes, it is high. The song is amazing, the plot is amazing, and Daniel’s stupidity is amazing. He is a very good villain, and it works with the comedy of the show. If everyone wants, I will write an essay on Daniel and what he means to the show. Anyways, good episode, funny and inventive.

14:Bounjour Bonqueesha

Oh, what to say about this episode! I love Bon Bon, but her breaking up with David an hour before their date? Not so cool. Whatever. Watching Gwen comfort David made my day, my week, my month. It was amazing. The “I’m a girl” line was extremely funny, because me too Nikki. Me too. Anyways, loved it!

13:The Lake Lilac Summer Social

Oh, what an episode! Gwenvid, Makki (I sorta ship it? Eh?), love triangles, Gwen going ship crazy (me too, man, me too), and David being level headed for once. Uh, so glad this episode exists. Only bad part, Pikeman and Jeremy. That’s literally it.

12:Operation: Charlie Tango Foxtrot

The ending was gross, but whatever. No judgement. Funny episode, and I love how the experimented with the points of view. Petrol’s side was a nice gag and it was overall a good episode! No complaints other than the weird ending.

11:After hours

Honestly, this is a tie with the next one. It is a great look at what happens after all the kids go to bed, what Gwen and David have to deal with, and what goes on outside the camp. The Gwenvid is strong with this episode! It’s really funny and creative. Also, ChibiKawaiiCat97 is absolutely a real username out there, I’m sure it is. Gwen deserves all the good things.

My Favs!

10:Scout’s Dishonor

Neeancy, my child! Yeah! Also, Neil cursing out of nowhere? Amazing. It’s so high up because it actually was the first episode I saw a clip off! It’s what got me into Camp Camp overall, but it’s not listed up there because I do like others better.

9:The Forest

I know, not number one. It’s an amazing episode, with a great plot and a good lesson, but I physically cannot watch it without sniffling. Yes, I know, I’m pathetic for crying at this, but I really see the pain. You can feel the fear in his voice, and it always makes me so sad. Whatever, I still love this episode.

8:Into Town

I mean, I have no rhyme or reason, I just love this one. I can’t even think of a flaw for this one! It’s kind of an amazing thing! A lovely episode with good visuals and amazing dialogue!

7:The Butter Fingered Effect

An amazing episode about change. I love Neil cracking, Ered becoming a nerd, Nikki becoming a scientist, and the counselor outfit swap. I appreciate Gwen wearing David’s clothes, because that’s amazing. I like the theme of change that fits with Season 4. Good episode with almost no flaws!

6:Eggs Benefits

I love Max and Nikki interacting, trying to take care of the egg and Nikki basically having a panic attack. I just love Nikki episodes in general, ok? Don’t judge. Whatever. Preston and Nurf, were um, problematic, to say the least. Whatever, the ending was funny, and this episode is dear to my heart.

5.Camp Loser says what?

Wow… Gwen in a wood scout uniform is actually really pretty! Entire episode was pretty much a fanfiction come to life, and we love the team for that. Uh, I yearn for more fanfic like episodes. God, if you have followed me for long enough, you’d know I would love for the fans ideas to become canon.Anyway, good plot, glad Daniel came back in this way and Pan and/or Bi David is canon

4:Nikki’s Last Day on Earth

I wasn’t expecting that! Honestly, I didn’t see the twist and thought it was a good idea! Funny, creative, and shows off Max’s jerkiness. We love Max development and amazing plots. We also love a Mother and Daughter relationship between Gwen and Nikki. More of that please1

3:Gwen gets a job

This is so damn creative, I love this episode so much. Gwenvid fuel, Max being a terrible person, Gwen breaking down and David comforting her. I bet Gwen never heard a speech that encouraging in her life…

2:Party Pooper

I know you thought this was going to be number one! Haha, tricked you! But really, this is an amazing episode. The way Gwen bonds with her father, the beautiful scene at the end, the background, everything. I love a good “Gwen is underappreciated” episode, and that’s why this gets second. Almost no flaws! Which leads to number one….

1:Something Fishy!

What an amazing episode! I have never seen “Shape of Water”, but this one is just incredible. Gwen is an underappreciated overworked mess, and she finds what seems likes the perfect option. But turns out it isn’t what it seems, and it’s amazing. Also, this episode has so much Gwenvid fuel, it’s amazing. The art is amazing, Gwen’s dress is amazing, it’s all perfect. No flaws here for me!

#cc #camp camp #camp campbell #episodes ranked

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captainseaweedbrains · 4 years

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The Dance of the Color Guard, Op. 64: Chapter 2

Katniss and Peeta used to be best friends when they were kids, but now in high school, they're barely on speaking terms. It isn't until they are forced together as the titular star-crossed lovers for their marching band's field show that they will have to face their past mistakes and try to get along if they ever hope of defeating the notorious Capitol Height's Imperial Marching Crusaders in competition.

It's all about winning and if that means pretending to be in love with Peeta Mellark, so be it.

But a lot can happen in six months.

Tumblr: x x

Ao3: x x x

May

Tryouts came and went with an excellent turnout, the best Katniss had seen ever. And in true Miss Trinket fashion, the assistant director had sought out the theatre and dance kids with the promise of getting to perform such an iconic story on the biggest stage they’ll ever have the privilege to perform on. Miss Trinket wanted the drama, the flair, and she didn’t have to go far to get it.

Even more surprising was that they actually showed up and were actually pretty good. Katniss had had her doubts when seeing the likes of musical star extraordinaire Finnick Odair saunter into the gym where auditions were being held, wearing that arrogant smile she always saw on him, but after seeing what he and the other theatre and dance kids could do with a flag, she admitted she was wrong and focused her energy on earning her place as captain.

Between her and Miss Trinket’s determination, Athens Ridge Marching Gladiators might have a good chance of finally beating Capitol Heights this year at PSU!

“We’re looking promising,” she told Leevy as they put together their instruments. It was the day after final rounds of auditions and she couldn’t stop thinking how at the end of today, Miss Trinket would post who was on the team and Katniss would finally know if she was made captain or not. She had done her best, she kept telling herself, and now it was out of her hands. The wait was killing her, though, and her poor bladder was taking most of the brunt, the constant need to pee every two minutes distracting her in all her classes today.

Had she proven to Miss Trinket that she was enough to be captain?

Her legs twitched closed, the need to pee returning.

“You should have seen Finnick Odair twirl a rifle,” Katniss said to distract herself. “It was insane how good he is! I always thought he was a bit full of himself, but maybe he has a right to brag. I’m pretty sure Miss Trinket’s going to use him as one of the spotlight guards.”

Leevy’s eyes widened, her thick-rimmed glasses sliding down her nose a bit. Her crush on the performer was not an unknown fact to Katniss. “Oh, do you think she’d have him play Romeo? I bet he’ll be Romeo. He’d make an incredible Romeo.”

Katniss snorted. “I’m sure he’d be up to the challenge.” Finnick Odair not wanting the titular role would come as more of a shock to her. Miss Trinket hadn’t revealed much about how she wanted to choreograph the show, but if last season’s Cirque du Soleil and Alice Through the Looking Glass the season before were any indications of how she envisioned next season’s show, she would be using color guard to visually tell the story of the star-crossed lovers. Miss Trinket always had “big big big plans” for them all. There was no way she’d pass up on someone talented like Finnick.

Mr. Abernathy gave the two minute warning before rehearsal started up and the girls leaned toward each other to tune their flutes. As they made adjustments, Katniss wondered who would play Finnick’s Juliet. Madge, maybe? She was a good height and her years of ballet served her well, being the lead spotlight guard two years in a row. Or Glimmer? She grimaced at the thought of Glimmer Macklemore being the lead spotlight, believing it would go straight to her head. Glimmer was by far one of the worst human beings Katniss has had the misfortune of knowing all these years, but the girl was graceful. “Like a swan on water,” Miss Trinket was known for saying about Glimmer’s talent.

I hope it’s Madge, Katniss thought, glancing slightly over at her friend who sat further down the row from her, Madge’s cheeks slightly puffed as she tuned her oboe. Yes, Madge would make an incredible Juliet.

*******

All her thoughts and worry over color guard went away during what ended up being a long and brutal rehearsal. It was hard worrying over who’d play Juliet to Finnick’s Romeo when Mr. Abernathy was out for blood. He was yelling at everyone today, not pleased that they had a concert in another week and sounded like a beginning band. What made the rehearsal even worse was much of his agitation was directed at her and the two solos she had. Over and over he made her play in front of the whole band, walking her through the notes, asking her snidely who controlled the tempo. By the time he threw up his arms in defeat, her face was a completely different shade.

“Sign up for a practice room, Everdeen,” Mr. Abernathy told her after her sixth attempt at a difficult run. “And maybe work on your fingerings instead of drooling over Finnick Odair, huh?” He moved his attention to his next victims and was just as merciless.

Slumping low in her seat, her throat tight with choked back tears, Katniss focused hard on her music, pretending she was just practicing when really it took all her strength not to cry. Snickers from the brass section could be heard, or maybe she was just paranoid that the whole band was laughing at her. Either way, no matter how hard she kept her attention on her music, forcing back tears from spilling over, she couldn’t hide how dark her face must look right now. Mr. Abernathy’s words played over in her head, causing her cheeks to warm even more. From embarrassment or anger, she wasn’t sure. The man was never one to mince words and was known for his sour temper, but this was the first time he’d ever taken it out on her. And he thought her, one of his most dedicated players, as nothing more than a teenage girl drooling over boys.

She’d never hated the man more than in this moment.

“Hey,” Leevy nudged her, face sympathetic. “You okay?”

Katniss stiffly nodded, afraid if she said anything, she’d break and start to cry, and that was definitely something she didn’t want to do in front of the whole band.

“He’s being an ass today,” her friend whispered in comfort, playfully bumping their knees together. “You’re his best player and he knows it. He’s probably just mad because Coin took away the pizza buffet in the cafeteria.” Katniss gave a halfhearted smile, knowing her friend was just trying to make her feel better, but Mr. Abernathy was at least right about her playing. She really did need to practice more.

“Okay, we’re calling it today,” Mr. Abernathy sighed, slamming his scorebook closed. “It’s clear no one’s practiced since yesterday and it’s wasting my time. I better hear improvement tomorrow, or I’m going to have everyone play their part and have your whole semester grade be based off that.”

“Practice, practice, practice!” Miss Trinket trilled from the back of the room, typing at the computer. “We want to be the best, don’t we?” Mr. Abernathy gave her the stink eye, like he wanted to argue her statement, but waved his hand, reminding everyone not to leave the band room until the bell rang.

“Well that was brutal,” Leevy joked halfheartedly, her eyes still looking at Katniss with pity. Katniss looked away, unable to stomach her friend’s obvious sympathies. She’d received enough of that look to last an entire lifetime.

“Can’t wait until he starts threatening laps,” Katniss mumbled, her throat still tight. She just wanted to leave. Run to a bathroom stall to collect herself, but it’d be too obvious and the likes of Cato and Marvel calling her a crybaby kept her seated.

*******

They didn’t often have so much time to lounge around, especially before a concert, but Katniss took the opportunity to catch up on homework she’d been neglecting, too stressed about tryouts to bother with algebra and chemistry. Feeling like everyone was still watching her, waiting for her to crack, she tucked herself in the back locker room, between two instrument lockers, out of sight from her classmates. The space was tight and not the most ideal of places to hide, but it blocked out a lot of the noise from out front and let her take a few deep breaths in. She couldn’t cry until she got home, but at least it didn’t feel like her tears were strangling her any more.

Taking out the beat up copy of A Tale of Two Cities from her bag, Katniss began scouring the chapters they were assigned to read (or sparknoted, in her case) for political symbolisms Mr. Heavensbee, her English teacher, was always quizzing them on during his infamous rapid fire quizzes. English had never been a strong subject for her, finding the books they read incredibly dull and full of nothing but tales about old white guys bemoaning about their manhoods, but grades was the one thing her mom actually paid attention to and hers were slipping in Heavensbee’s class due to these stupid quizzes. Her pencil circled another example, not feeling confident about it, but if her index card wasn’t pulled early on, all the obvious examples would be taken and this would be all she had to argue.

“Good book?” She jumped, her head hitting the wall behind her, pencil stabbing her in the gums. Peeta Mellark stood in front of her, looking all casual in his dark denim jeans and grey shirt, his hands stuffed in his back pockets. He smiled at her scowl. “Sorry,” he said, and to her astonishment, it sounded like he actually meant it. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“You didn’t,” she quickly informed, tucking her pencil in the book as a bookmark. “Just preparing to be publicly humiliated in English, that’s all. ”

“Heavensbee’s quizzes are brutal,” he agreed, still standing there, trying to be nonchalant, but his shoulders were way too tight to pull it off. It looked like it was taking all he had to be standing in front of her like this. Her hackles rose. Why should he look uncomfortable? He sought her out. If anything, she should be the one uncomfortable, caged in a corner like this. “I think I almost cried during one last week,” he continued, not even looking at her now but at the locker next to her head. “Marvel wouldn’t stop making fun of me after that.” That didn’t surprise her, but it felt rude to point out what a shit person she thought Marvel Baxter was to Peeta’s face.

“Yeah.” Katniss tapped her book, unsure what else to say. “Listen, I’m kind of busy trying not to fail and all, Peeta, so unless you have a question…?”

Peeta rubbed the back of his neck and looked down at his Converse, taking a deep breath in. It was a little unsettling seeing him like this, she realized, still confused why he was talking to her to begin with. Normally he knew exactly what to say, in any given situation she’d ever seen him in.

“Okay, seriously,” she said at last, a bit more snappish than she meant. “What do you want? I don’t have time watching you sputter like a dead fish.”

“I want to see how you’re doing,” he said in one breath. It was a totally innocent question to ask, but it felt more like a punch to the stomach, sending her back to when she was 11 years old and standing next to her mother and Prim as strangers she barely knew came up and smothered her in tight, smelly hugs. They cried over how young Sage was, still in his prime, and poor Cary, having to raise those two young girls on her own. The funeral had felt so surreal, her movements stiff and disjointed. Her voice hollow as she thanked the strangers for coming, trying not to cry in front of them as they passed. Her father’s death still hadn’t fully hit her yet and the only thing she wanted was to crawl into the casket with him and shake him awake, tell him this joke wasn’t funny any more. Ha ha. He got her. Now could he please get up so they could go home?

Katniss’ throat tightened at the sudden memory and she shoved her book in her bag, really needing to go before she did something stupid, like cry in front of Peeta Mellark.

“I’m fine,” she said, trying to push past him. Peeta wasn’t only tall, but his wide frame stopped her from escaping as easily as she’d like. “Really.”

“Katniss.” He grabbed her hand to stop her, but pulled away instantly, realizing he had no right to touch her. “You looked like you were about to cry out there and then you bolted—I wanted to see if you’re okay.”

“I wasn’t going to cry!” she snapped, her vision red now. There were only so many punches she could take in one class period, but it seemed the universe kept wanting to come for more. “I was doing homework, Peeta, and then you waltzed in, wanting to rub it in my face that I’m a terrible player. Were you hoping I’d cry? Is Cato secretly filming this?” She looked around the small room for Golden Ass’ burley frame.

“Cato isn’t in here, Katniss,” he snapped back, then winced, realizing his mistake. “I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. What I meant was: Abernathy is a complete asshole and he shouldn’t have said those things to you. Katniss, you’re the best player in the band and he knows it.” Any other day, hearing the sweet sentiment twice in one period would have been a real confidence booster for her, but today, it just felt like pity. Leevy felt sorry for her and now freaking Peeta Mellark felt sorry for her, too. What a blow that felt, looking into his sad blue eyes right now.

“I don’t want your pity,” she sneered, not knowing what else to say, but if he kept looking at her like that, she was definitely going to break down crying. Then he’d just look at her with that pathetic sad expression, feeling even more sorry for her. “Abernathy was right about my runs and I can handle his criticism like I do with everything else in my life: alone. So if you don’t mind.” And she tried to push past him.

In typical Peeta fashion, he blocked her only exit. “I wasn’t pitying you, Katniss.” His tone sounded as sharp and annoyed as hers now. “I was being nice. I know you don’t know what that is because you think the whole world is out to get you, but it means caring about other people and being there for them.” She looked down at her feet at the sudden weight of his accusation, her hand tightening around the strap of her backpack.

They were so engrossed in their argument, neither heard the familiar clap clap clap of Miss Trinket’s heels before the small woman announced herself, causing them both to jump and turn to the small woman.

“There you are!” the assistant director smiled. “Peeta, I have been calling your name. Didn’t you hear me?”

Peeta glanced down at Katniss, his eyes still hard, before looking over at his teacher. “Sorry, Miss Trinket. Katniss and I were just...talking.” Why did he say it like that? He made it sound like they weren’t talking and by the twinkle of amusement in Miss Trinket’s eyes, she suspected nothing else from two teenagers hiding in a back room.

“I’m so sorry to interrupt your... talking” —Katniss’ cheeks darkened again, wondering how fast it’d take for the rumors to start going around that she and Peeta were caught making out in the instrument locker room by Miss Trinket—“but I need to speak with you for a moment, Peeta. If you don’t mind?” She motioned for him to proceed ahead.

Peeta’s eyebrows scrunched together. “Am I in trouble, ma’am?”

“No, no!” their teacher assured. “Mr. Abernathy and I need to discuss something with you about this upcoming season. Nothing scary, I promise.” He went ahead with no further comment, his hands stuffed in his front pockets, as Miss Trinket hurried ahead to unlock the band office door. He didn’t look back at her as she stood there, hand still gripping her backpack, and somehow, that felt worse than his pity.

Katniss, I’m so sorry about your dad. It’s so not fair. How are you doing?

Katniss?

Are you there, Katniss? Hey, how are you doing?

#Everlark fanfiction #The Hunger Games Fanfiction #Everlark fanfic #Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark #Katniss Everdeen #Peeta Mellark #My writing #The Dance of the Color Guard Op. 64 #Marching band fic #OTP: Survival #I hope you enjoy! :)#Let me know what you think!

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pinksh00tingstars · 4 years

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So I need closure so I've compiled relationship highlights from the show, from Kang Tae's POV vaguely prettified+featuring maybe some of my own addition+context that was not known to us when we watched it (if any) in text form and then I can live and let go of this show.

1. He's just annoyed when he sees her. After all, who smokes on hospital grounds. So when he goes to her to tell her she can't smoke here, his coffee cup still in his hand and she looks at him, he doesn't expect it- the memory her expression and demeanor combined trigger. It's not her. He thinks it so hard, he half expects her to respond but she just puts out her cigarette in his cup talking about fate and walks away. It's not her.

Well, turns out it is her. He's actively tried not to seek her out and when his brother had developed a liking for her books he hadn't done anything to stop him because it had felt like cheating on his promise to run away from her because he still got to keep some part of her. He's never read any of them, it feels like reaching for too much of the non-existent something between them, but her presence, even by proxy through the books is something. He's well aware of the burden the circumstances of their meeting has put on them. Even as a child he knew he'd never really be able to get Sang Tae's forgiveness because he's never had the courage to ask him for it. His best case would have been one where his brother simply forgets it. So he's in the hospital, looking for a suicidal, possibly dangerous patient when he meets her again and she stabs him in the hand, he's sure of it. It's Ko Moon Young. Not a doubt in his mind.

His brother insisted on an autograph. He's practically on his way to the hospital when he hears about Ko Moon Young's presence but Kang Tae stops him because she's a loose canon and she's never held back from firing at anyone even if she's firing on a whim. It's for his brother's well being, Kang Tae rationalizes but some corner of his brain just whispers I'm not sharing her. He isn't proud of it.

2. It's categorically a bad decision, leaving his brother alone in the queue to see her and when disaster strikes and his brother has a meltdown in the crowd, Kang Tae is there as soon as he can and he's there to be strong for the both of them. It's something he's used to and fully capable of doing. Then she's there, loudly demanding justice for his brother, taking the heat for him. It's terrifying. It's easier to do it alone and not expect any help, Kang Tae thinks as he tries to swat the memory of her saving him away from his mind.

It would've been easier to not have stuck around and seen the impact her intervention for him had on her. She's non-plussed by the skeevy journalist's jabs until he runs his mouth about her mother. He's already between them holding her back, preventing her from making it worse for herself.

When he teaches her the butterfly hug method, he does it simply because he's professionally in a position to help. It has nothing to do with her. But when she turns herself right back around pulls him closer, telling him trauma should be dealt with head on, his breath hitches.

3. He's aware that he has to move, and honestly, it feels exhausting but it's something he has to do. When his brother doesn't seem to have any qualms about moving back to their hometown, he thinks, it's not a bad idea. Besides, he thinks there's an advantage to putting as much distance between them as possible. She's unpredictable and a force of nature he can't match, won't match.

So he moves and does the motions of unpacking, resettling and going to work. In fact her absence is so much more familiar than her presence to him he's comfortable with it. He goes to work and he's fine because his brother is happy to be free of the butterflies. He expects it to be peaceful. It's a tiny town in the middle of nowhere and it's pleasant when the sea breeze hits him when he takes his breaks. In all honesty, he likes it here. He doesn't yet dare to call it home because he knows he'll move soon enough anyway or even indulge in the nostalgia of being from here. He's comfortable.

As if he's cursed his own luck, that very night she shows up at the hospital. Something about being fated occurs to him before he pushes the thought away immediately. He blames her for putting the thought in his head.

4. She's teaching a class here. It's just once a week, he thinks. His routine is not so fragile that it can't withstand her, he thinks. It's chaos soon enough. She's run away with a patient and he tries to stop her only for her to speed away and he swears she's just doing this to spite him.

Maybe there's nuance to her yet, he thinks. As he watches the Assemblyman's son dance around the stage and he recognizes it immediately. What the Assemblyman's son is craving, reaching so desperately for isn't just attention. That's skin deep. He's just looking for some version of happy. Kang Tae wonders what it's like to touch it. A version of happy.

He would've dismissed it to her having given this man the one gift he really needed as an outcome of simply sowing in his life the seeds of disorder but she looks at him knowingly and smiles. She knew. He wonders if she's made a habit of saving people. Should I just play with you? He wonders if he even can. If it's an option he's ever had. Would it be nice?

5. I hate spring flowers he admits. It's not what he craves but it's all he can share with her right now. It's enough. They're in a convenience store and Lee Sang In warns him- she'll eat you up alive. He's reminded of her fingers running up his body. Steeling himself, he goes back into the store and she's clearly not a fan of his choice for where they'd "share a meal". It's amusing.

He's partly just making small talk, partly curious and partly seeking permission, he thinks when he asks her about her book. She's not aware of his weird cheat to hold on to some part of her and he thinks maybe if she just tells him herself it's not reaching for it, the non-existent something he's held close for some time now. You should read it. He doesn't really know how that applies in his complex self imposed framework. It's annoying and he just rebuffs her I'm too old for fairy tales.

It never goes the way he expects with her. Because I can see that you want to be loved. It's so completely disarming. Her hands run through his hair and he's never felt so seen.

6. She won't walk her father. There's more to it, he can tell, but she hasn't volunteered the information to him. He knows enough about painful memories with parents to not pry. He back off. Heads to work and she demands he walk with her instead. She's throwing a fit and he's not engaging with her. So he walks away and he's not even bothered until she yells at him. I love you. It's powerful even though he knows there's no intent to it. She doesn't mean it. So he walks it off.

7. He sees her again with his brother. He's already raging from the interaction with the Assemblyman and he's trying his best to suppress it but she's actively gone against his wishes to leave his brother alone. So he pulls her aside to tell her to leave his brother alone but she spots the mark on his cheek and is immediately defensive. For him. He just wanted her to leave him alone. He knows he can't have this in his life. He's not going to play this game with hope and trust and he's definitely not playing it with her. You're like an empty can. He can see the hurt in her face as she looks back up at him silently. He hates it. But maybe she'll stay away now.

8. It was curiosity that got the best of him. Zombie kid is definitely set to a harsh backdrop and he doesn't really think he can predict where it's going. Doesn't think he'll relate to any of it until he reads the ending. He's so struck by it. He's craved warmth his whole damn life. He can practically see his mom turning away from him.

So when he goes downstairs and Jae Su tells him about how her father tried to kill her, the image of her walking along the road while he'd taken the bus hits him. What if she didn't have anyone looking for her? What if she had been looking for warmth from her father? He doesn't really think it through, he just runs out on instinct looking for her in the night.

9. He finds her in the rain and it feels...momentous, meaningful even. In that moment, as she falls into him, he doesn't think of what he can and can't do for the first time.

He ends up hiding her in his room. This feels stolen, like a moment he never had the rights to but has somehow accessed and so when she keeps rolling over onto him that night, he puts her in a corner to stop himself more than her. We're like Romeo and Juliet. It's a petulant thought but he believes it still. Him and her, they were ill fated too. He can't have any of this.

10. Jae Su asks him if he likes her. He could've lied. He should've just said no but he can't bring himself to. So he deflects but Jae Su is so sharp about these things. He reminds him of the knife she'd put in his hand the first time they met. It's a slip up, in all honesty, the smile that creeps onto his face at the memory. He's growing forgetful of himself. Of his brother, of the butterflies. He remembers her though.

11. Of all the terrible ideas, his brother would not be living with her. He's almost tempted. A version of them as a family manifests itself in his mind unprompted and he's exhausted of putting these invasive thoughts away. He's trying his best to reason with his brother that it isn't an option but his brother will not listen. So he yells and throws the contract away only for his brother to get furious at him. It hurts. It hurts so much as his brother keeps hitting him not realizing how hard he's hitting and Kang Tae doesn't expect it to stop anytime soon until she holds his brother's hand over him, stopping it in it's path. He's too beaten down to do anything about it. Moon Sang Tae belongs to Moon Sang Tae. He does. Kang Tae's always been the one trying to be owned by Sang Tae. Anything to make up for it. Anything for whatever adjacent to forgiveness he's got. But it's so difficult sometimes. She offers him her hand to get back up and he wishes she'd stop offering him help. It's not going to last and he doesn't want to start expecting it. So he turns away from her and walks home.

12. He schools himself to not get attached. He's excellent at it, but he walks into her house with their stuff and Sang Tae apologizes instantly and suddenly it feels like home. His previous ambition forgotten, he just settles his brother and himself into the house. The next morning he's set up breakfast while his brother cleans the house. Moon Young is all but shocked at it. He wonders if she likes it, the house like this. I want a lot. He thinks it's cute.

13. He's never seen her look like that. Mrs. Kang is talking to her in hushed tones but he can hear her anyway. She's claiming to be her mother. And she looks... vulnerable. Is it really you? He should've stopped it earlier. He can hear the hope in her voice. So he splits them up and takes Mrs. Kang away. He was going to go find her when Lee Sang In asks to speak to him. I'm her man. So stop taking up my spot.

He has no right to feel the jealousy that tightens his jaw. He wants to say very different words but he can't dare to say them yet. So instead he says a different truth. I don't want to. I won't move aside. It feels like fighting for her somehow and he's going to keep doing it as long as he can.

14. She's shut them out. She doesn't come down for dinner and he sees she hasn't touched the food he left her. He gives her the space she needs. He isn't sure they're close enough for him to ask her to let him in. So he takes on the passive role of waiting for her to let him in. Like Bluebeard needed, he thinks with a fondness.

He can't sleep. He's worried about her and she's shutting him out and he's driving himself up a wall. Until he thinks he hears her crying. He's on his feet inching towards her room, not sure if he's allowed to but opening her door anyway. He recognizes it instantly. She's having a night terror, possibly sleep paralysis and he runs to her shaking her awake as gently as he can. Go away right now. She's inconsolable, yelling at him terrified of something neither of them can see right now but she's clinging to his shirt for dear life. He's never had the strength to deny her when she was like this. Vulnerable and terrified. So he holds her close and promises he'll stay. He means it.

15. He wakes up to a Moon Young he's much more familiar with. Shut off and defensive and she asks him what he's doing there. He takes the day off for her. It's a tiny fraction of his life he's reclaiming for himself and it feels stolen but he doesn't care. He drops his brother at the bus stop and returns to find Sang In trying to pull her off a post on the stairs. He's uncharacteristically upset and the moment she requests it, he moves to throw Sang In out. She won't take medicine so he suggests fresh air to remedy her mood. He apologizes for calling her an empty can. She's let his outburst colour her view of herself and he immediately needs to set it right.

Their "date", he doesn't call it that, she does, he justifies, is eventful. She asks him difficult questions he doesn't really have answers for. Could he have dated her if he wasn't him?

16. He's emotionally exhausted from purging his resentment towards his mom and he's about to leave when he remembers Mang Tae. So with unsteady feet he embarks on a quest to find the doll before taking a cab to head home. She's demanding as always in her texts, telling him to come home rather than ask but it feels so familiar. Like they're something. And he replies and forgets in his drunkness as he tells her to wait.

She's on the stairs and he's not sure why she has chosen to sleep there. She snaps at him that he told her to wait. It's warm. The feeling of someone waiting for you. He simply smiles like a fool and offers her Mang Tae before she can entice him into drinking with her and crossing some line that he can't even see clearly when he's sober.

17. She's remarkably good at spotting people's leashes. At the baggage that traps them and she's got an extraordinary skill for setting people free. He's impressed, when he finally walks over to her looking at his brother's mural, he's really proud.

18. She's cut her hair and she looks messy and ruffled but she looks so happy when she runs down the stairs to greet him, he can only laugh. She's cut off her own leash, she says and he wonders how long she's had it on her. How long she's been aware of it. So he helps her make it presentable and when she says he's the only person allowed to touch her hair, he feels softly possessive. The fact that he's claiming back more and more of his life as his own when it's still indebted to his brother in lieu of forgiveness is forgotten. She smiles at him and it's stunning.

19. They're eating jjampong and he remembers that his mother never even got to eat a portion. It hits him so hard because he's so starved for memories where she was warm to him. She's always so sharp with these things and between her and his brother they have him laughing.

He's holding his umbrella over his brother s he walks zigzagging the the street. He's used to getting slightly wet until Moon Young yells for them to wait for her and suddenly he's shielded from the rain too.

20. He's jealous. He's starkly aware of it and he's annoyed that he's jealous and it's only a vicious cycle that exacerbates itself. He had meant to subtly alert the man to back off when he'd mentioned his hand on her waist and she just pulls it closer to her, her gaze back at him almost challenging. How many people is she fated to be with? He doesn't really begin to calm from it until he lets loose at Sang In. Once he's calmer, he wonders if he'd rather have her around once a week at the hospital than not. So when the opportunity presents itself, he asks for her classes to be reinstated but really it feels like some proxy for permission to be with her. Even if it was just once a week.

21. It was a fucking pen. She's been fawning over some pen not the man and before he can even start to feel the relief settle in she leans over and says he's prettier sending a shiver down his spine. She's lying on his lap drifting into sleep and he's gingerly getting used to the feel of it. She's always so alluringly close. He reaches out to hold her hand because he's wanted to all day. Until it feels wrong. He shouldn't be reaching for people he can't really hold.

22. She's so fucking pretty. It messes with his head as he watches her before he goes to work and when she asks him to come home early it feels so domestic he doesn't dare to do anything with the feeling but remember it. He's sitting during his break and all he can think about is her. He really must be going crazy. He's talking with the patient when he recognizes it, and get doesn't even dare to think the word love.

23. He snaps when it happens. She's doing the right thing, protecting a patient who needed help and he's heading their way quickly but not too quickly so as to not alarm the patients when the man suddenly hits Ko Moon Young. It makes contact hard enough to send her tumbling down and Kang Tae is running immediately. The man has his fist raised to hit her again when Kang Tae reaches him and he hits him with everything in him. He's furious enough for his ears to ring and he's raised his fist to hit him a second time as a nurse held him back. He can't think through it yet and shoves the nurse off of his arm and moves to punch him again. The patient he originally intended to attack begs him out of it. And he finally lets the man go. Are you okay? He's so worried when he picks her back up and it's the first time she yields vulnerability to him. No, it hurts.

He's in trouble. By all accounts, the head nurse fuck you Park Haeng Ja is furious. He might get sued. Or fired. But all he can think is he's broken past his impulse to not want her and it's so freeing. So when he runs to her and asks her to go on a trip with him, it's glorious when she smiles back at him.

24. He hadn't thought through the logistics. She makes him forget everything but them and he's terrified about not measuring his expectations. She says it feels like he's taming her. He's glad to have any meaningful impact on her, really. He keeps doing things he wouldn't have done because of her. She says he was magnificent. And he really feels magnificent. Because she's said it. He's been chasing this something between them that's sprouted into existence from the non existent state he's tried quite hard to keep in. It's instinctual, he leans towards her, seeking purchase on her lips and they're so, so close when the deer screeches in the woods. He's lost his nerve and backed away already. The moment is lost and he's sprinting away from her with a quick let's go tomorrow then.

25. She's terrified of the bridge. It's such a funny juxtaposition on Moon Young, who saves people from what they fear all the time masquerading as a witch. Her strength is so integral to who she is. But she does it anyway for him and it's warmth. So that night, as she jumps onto him and he deflects and tries to escape before he gives in to letting her sleep on his arm, running his fingers through her hair, he gives up. He's never had enough resistance to quit her anyway.

So he gets her flowers and a quick kiss and it feels like closure of something from so long ago because it is. As they're walking back, her holding the flowers she's finally accepted from him and him holding her hand, he really thinks they're fated.

26. It crashes down around him. His brother hasn't forgotten and he's not going to take lies or half truths and he's locked outside the room his brother is in waiting to be let in. Being with Moon Young is not an option. It never was and he's been a forgetful fool running after a pipe dream that shouldn't ever even have been his. So he tells her to leave his life, that this has been a mistake and none of his promises held water. He wants so badly to be able to reach forward and take her hand. A firecracker. A one time event. He's hurting her on purpose and he's half terrified that she'll genuinely walk away from him forever but he's so much more terrified that she'll stay and he won't be able to fix things with his brother ever.

That night his brother finally, finally forgives him. Moon Kang Tae belongs to Moon Sang Tae. He misses her. It hurts and it hits him in waves. He's looking at photos of them and says this is enough over and over and over but there's a lump in his throat that he's trying to breathe over and the whole damn apartment feels stuffy when he thinks of her. He's sitting outside and the sea breeze is pleasant and he thinks her absence hurts him so much more distinctly than her presence. God he misses her and as he sits in the open air, still letting the breeze wash over him, he thinks, he can't breathe.

27. He's sick all day. He knows it and he doesn't want to acknowledge it because it feels like the lack of her is physically making him ill and if he acknowledges it he'll have to acknowledge missing her. So he tries his best to work through it without interventions and ignores her texts and just wills the day to end. He can't keep himself from looking by the time his shift ends. So he goes through her texts, not still daring to reply and he's on his way out when he spots the nurse with the head injury. Park ok Ran attacked him and left saying something about it being a special day. His blood runs cold. What if? What if she's going to Moon Young. What if she got hurt while he wasn't there, while nobody was there because he's decided to leave her alone? And he's honestly terrified beyond articulation. And he's rushing into her car trying to call her.

The house is so fucking silent. He's burst into it yelling for her but is not patient enough to wait to see if she'll come out and he runs into her study only to spot blood. He can't even get her name out of his mouth without his voice breaking and because what if she was bleeding out somewhere in this massive fucking house? And he runs out to look for her in a different room, panic rising in his blood as she calls his name. She's here. And he's hugging her and asking her if she's okay until he spots the wound on her hand and she's barely started explaining how Park Ok Ran gave it to her. He's not quite settled yet and he's terrified she'll be back but he's passively aware he's yelling at her asking her where she is. He's rushing to find her immediately until she asks him if he came for Park Ok Ran or her.

He can see in her expression that she's convinced it was Park Ok Ran. And he reaches out to grab her hand that had been holding his just moments ago and he's looking for the words to explain himself when she pulls away from him and goes back upstairs. He waits a few moments, looking for the correct words but he couldn't really come up with any. He goes to her room anyway, reaching for a handkerchief to patch her wound but she's hurt and furious and she tells him that his words hurt so much more than this and he's terrified for a moment that he's broken them beyond repair. She's escalating, working herself up and he can see the hurt in her eyes and he just tells her to count to three. He's done this so many times. He's always used it to stop himself from doing things he might regret. So he counts with her. One. She says, fiery and still angry. Two. And she's mellowed already, calmer and he thinks, preparing for him to hurt her again. Three. He says with her. And he doesn't hesitate. Because he's sure he'll regret not doing this his whole life. She's the closest thing he's got to a potential for happiness and she's here and they're fated after all, he thinks. So he reaches out for her and kisses her with everything he's got. Stay with me. Please. And as she kisses him back, he feels it in the rush of her gasp against his lips as he pulls her up, he can breathe again.

28. When Sang Tae finally accepted her, he's ecstatic. He gets to stay with her without hurting his brother anymore and he's free, for the first time from his heavy, heavy life. Of course it catches up and he finds out her mother is the person who killed his. And he's upset and terrified of hurting her by telling her when he's already hurt her so much. He'll carry this for them all, he can do it, he convinces himself

She finds out and she's distraught. She blames herself, and he tries so hard to get her to stay, to not leave but the words don't come out and all he can say is please. Please don't go. She's out of his grasp anyway. She's out and she's gone and she cries in her room and he waits for her to let him back in. He confesses I forget everything when I'm with you. And he's never missed a person so badly while being so near to them. He's terrified she'll leave.

29. He remembers it, her holding him, crying, begging him to wake up. When he wakes and she tells him to leave and leave her alone again, he's already decided he's going to fight for them. But it still hurts when she says she wants him gone. It hurts a lot.

She isn't eating. He notices it with increasing concern and he wishes she'd just let them heal her too. He knows she can't live like that again even if she's willing to make the sacrifice for them. So he tells her Sang Tae's story and tries convincing her and yelling at her but she isn't responding. At least not correctly.

He watches her walk her house like a ghost but he's gonna follow his older brother's lead on this. He's going to win. So when he asks her to eat dinner and she just asks him when he's leaving, he ignores the fact that she's asking him to leave and lies about the water pipe. She doesn't buy it. But she leaves him alone. He finally gets her to eat the next day it's a multiple man mission but he's happy she's eaten.

30. He's following her. He wonders if this counts as an ambush if you live with the person anyway. She's apologizing to the tree he's dedicated to his mom and he promises the tree silently that he'll try as long as it takes. So when she moves to walk away again, he's clutching at straws, what about my injured hand, he asks and she apologizes. I love you. He's fairly sure that'll do it. But she looks at him and then walks away and all he can try is to say it again. It's not until much much later that it strikes him that she did the same to him once. He follows her home and he's still saying it to her. It feels like he's held back on saying it for so long that he doesn't even mind saying it so much. Particularly if it'll get her to stay. So her asks her if that's not it, what was it then and she snaps at him If you say I love you one more time I'll rip your mouth . And it's not much but it's a reaction that emboldens him. Do what to my mouth ? He asks boldly before kissing her. And she stills looking at him more surprise than malice. That's all the indicators he needs to pick her up and put her on the table. They're fated after all, he thinks. And leans forward chasing the ghost of a kiss between them. Until they're interrupted by the god damn cockblock of the year deer. He just yells at it instinctively and he realizes he sounds so much like Moon Young as they laugh. So he tells her he loves her one more time and finally, finally kisses her again.

This, Kang Tae thinks, makes it all worth it. When he wakes up the next morning, for the first time, he's holding Ko Moon Young and there's nothing stopping them from being together. He's happy.

#psycho but its okay #it's okay not to be okay #it's okay to not be okay #ko moon young #moon kang tae

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dumbkiri · 4 years

Text

Fate Changes Three

Parts: [1, 2, Here, 4, 5 ]

Summary: [Name] and Barbara’s lives are on the line. Batman has a difficult choice to make and while he abandons the only person that keeps Jason alive in memories, [Name] is content with his decision. This is her chance.

Pairing: Jason Todd x Female! Reader

Genre: Action, Slight Angst

Word Count: 3.1k // 7 pages

Warnings: Guns, Suicide, Blood, Death

"Because like you, Juliet, Romeo never died."

His words haunted her like her nightmares. His modified voice still echoing in her head. His Arkham symbol planted in her memories. Everything about him, threw her off her tracks. It was bothersome that she couldn't find out who he was. Then [Name] thought about the star-crossed lovers.

Romeo died in the story. What did the Arkham Knight mean that Romeo never died? Juliet was under the influence of a sleeping potion which gave Romeo the impression that she died. He mourns for her like a true lover and voluntarily drinks poison because he believed she was dead. Juliet not even a moment before wakes up from her sleep and finds Romeo dead. Juliet then stabs herself in the heart.

......

“Because like you, Juliet-”

Juliet, she was still alive. She was only sleeping.

“Romeo never died.”

Romeo was tricked.

“I fear too early, for my mind misgives-”

The Arkham Knight wasn’t going to let her kill herself.

“Some consequences, yet hanging in the stars-”

If Juliet had woken up earlier, she wouldn’t have allowed Romeo to drink the poison. Because she was alive.

“Shall bitterly begin.”

The roles...they switched.

......

"Where's Barbara?" [Name] asked sitting in the middle between two armed guards. Her eyes trained on the Arkham Knight sitting casually in the passenger seat. His fingers drumming to the song playing on the radio. She recognized the singer's voice: Frank Sinatra. The man who sang the famous song in her dreams.

"Hey," She addressed the Arkham Knight, "I asked you a question."

Her attitude earned a hit from the guard on her right. He slammed the butt of his gun on her chest. She reacted with a strangled gasp. Her wounds hadn't fully healed. She was surprised she was still alive.

"Barbara Gordon is in another car. Away from you." The guard on her left gave her an answer.

She nodded her head and weakly said, "Thanks."

Her head hung low and she was very exhausted. [Name] hated showing her weakness, but tonight was like no other night. Tonight she was going to experience fear and that scared her to no end. The rest of the car ride, [Name] had slept. The guards, of course, kept a close eye on her. Even the Knight would look over his shoulder to see what she was doing. Every time, he would see [Name] twitch in her sleep. It was either her fingers or her legs that often twitched. Sometimes she would flinch so hard that the guards would point their guns at her only to see that she was still sleeping.

"Man, Batgirl has some weird habits," The guy on her right said. He set his gun down and looked at his partner.

The left man replied back, "She flinched so much in only five minutes."

The Arkham Knight scoffed and turned the radio higher before saying, "She's having a nightmare." The two guards looked at each other and shrugged. The Knight knew more about Batgirl than they did. They weren't going to question his knowledge. They weren't that stupid.

[Name] heard what the Knight said and cringed. Only one person knew why she flinched in her sleep. Not even Batman, Alfred, Barbara or Tim knew.

……

“Jason, do you ever think that we could live outside of Gotham?” [Name] asked sitting in the backyard of Wayne Manor.

Jason was casually laying next to her with his arms behind his head. The blanket beneath them providing sanction from the damp green grass it was placed on. Jason’s blue eyes traveled from the stars to [Name]’s back then to the stars again. “Not really?” He said with an unsure tone in his voice. The teen didn’t quite understand what she was trying to say.

[Name] rested her chin on top of her palm and watched as the stars twinkled happily above them. Her [e.color] eyes reflecting the beautiful night sky. She bit her lip and finally got the courage to say what she wanted, “I think that in order for me to be happy, I need to live somewhere else. Gotham reminds me too much of-" She paused and rephrased her sentence, "Gotham isn’t a place for me to be.”

Jason sat up at her words, “You’re not serious, are you? Gotham is your home." He watched her as she stayed quiet. Jason continued with a nervous stare. His heart racing faster than when she confessed to him. "It’s where Bruce taught us how to fight. Where Alfred comforts us in the time we need it. It’s where you help me come back to Earth.” He was not happy with her at the moment and [Name] knew that.

“Jason,” She softly said, her eyes no longer on the night sky. Instead, they were staring straight into deep ocean blue eyes. She wanted him to understand why she wanted to move away from Gotham. “I need this. I need time away from Gotham. From crime fighting. Bruce offered to help me move to Metropolis. It’s not too far from here and I’ll still visit you guys. It’s not like-”

“You don’t get it, [Name]. I need you here with me.” Jason said and scooted closer to her. He placed his hands on her arms and brought her closer to him. “You...I like you, a lot. And you telling me that you want to move away from Gotham makes me feel like I did something wrong. Tell me, what did I do?”

[Name] smiled at him and felt that he was calming down. That he was willing to listen to her reasons. “Jason, you did nothing wrong. If you did, I would tell you. But you,” She removed one arm away from his grasp and used that hand to reach his head. She brushed her fingers through his hair and then traced his jawline, “You will always be my home, Romeo. Don’t you ever forget that.”

He sighed and rested his forehead on her shoulder, “When will you move?”She resumed combing her fingers through his hair. Her eyes went back to the stars, “I move next week.”

Jason picked his head up from her shoulder and pressed his lips on her cheek. He then spoke up, his voice frail and soft, “At least write to me, okay?”This earned a giggle from the [h.color] haired teen. She covered her mouth and gave him an incredulous look. “Write letters? What century are we in?” [Name] laughed and laughed while Jason crossed his arms over his chest.

He was currently pouting where he sat. “Writing letters is more personal than sending emails or messaging through technology, alright?”

[Name] couldn’t stop her laughing and Jason had about enough with her teasing. He grumbled under his breath and stood up off the ground. He began walking away, but [Name] grabbed his hand gently in hers. He turned back and saw her hair dancing with the light breeze. Her eyes reflecting the moonlight.

“Of course, I’ll write to you, Jaybird,” She promised.

Jason smiled and pulled her into his arms.

They sealed the promise with a sweet kiss.

……

"[Name]."

It was someone familiar calling out to her. She knew that soft voice. That caring voice.

"[Name], please, wake up."

She felt someone tap her foot and she flinched in her sleep. Her eyes begged for her to open up and she begrudgingly agreed. [Name] blinked her eyes open slowly and her focus was absolutely trashed. It took her at least a minute to see who was sitting in front of her. "B-barbara?" [Name] asked sitting up in her position which caused a groan to escape her lips.

"I wouldn't move too much if I were you. You put up quite a fight tonight. Not only that, but you been shot, survived a car crash and earned bruises from those military guys." Barbara let her head rest against the crate behind her. Her arms were also bound behind her back. She didn't look as bad as [Name] did, but it was evident that she endured just as much.

"Before you ask, the Arkham Knight stuffed us back here. It looks like a large storage room." [Name] nodded her head, "You can see more than I can." She blinked her eyes again and the darkness around her was starting to get lighter. Her eyes were adjusting.

"Barbara, do you have any idea of who could be the Arkham Knight?" Barbara shook her head, "No." Then she brought her green eyes to the beaten Batgirl in front of her. "Y-you have an idea, don't you?" "I am not sure," [Name] looked down at her legs, "he gives me these vibes. His actions...they remind me of him."

Barbara squinted her eyes, "What do you mean 'him'?"

[Name] sucked in a breath. It took her exactly two minutes to spit the sentence out. "They remind me of Jason."

Barbara shook her head. Denying [Name]'s words of truth. Jason was dead and her friend needed to get over that fact. "He died," Barbara reminded [Name].

[Name] involuntarily cringed at her words, "I know, just listen-"

"The Joker killed him. We all saw the tape. We all saw him murdered in cold blood." Barbara was once again, relentless with her words. "He died, [Name]. He died being Robin."

"I know!" [Name] yelled at her friend fighting back her tears. Why does everyone have to remind her that Jason was dead? "All I'm saying is that his actions were close to Jason's. I was hinting that maybe the Arkham Knight knew Jason. A childhood friend-" Not possible. "Or a classmate," Wrong. "Someone who knew him." Never.

You know what you're saying is wrong. You know deep inside that-

"How do we know it can be one of those options?"

"Because it's someone who has a large target on Batman. Someone who knows Batman himself possibly even his true identity." Barbara finished.

The door to the storage room opened. "I assume you two know Batman's true identity." Scarecrow popped out of nowhere scaring the girls for a quick second only for that fear to turn into anger. They weren’t going to answer an obvious question. Scarecrow knew for a fact that they knew who was under the mask. He walked closer to them and his feet stopped to stand in between them. Scarecrow looked at Barbara and then to [Name]. His sinister eyes boring into her fear stricken ones.

"Batman is here as we speak," Scarecrow informed them, "It's time for him to choose which Batgirl he wants to save."

"What do you mean?" [Name] asked the tall man. He gave her a smile; a creepy and sinister one. Then she looked at Barbara, but her green eyes were trained on the floor. The commander's daughter knew what was going to happen, but she was still drawing a blank. "You'll see, Batgirl."

The Arkham Knight walked in silently and picked up Barbara. He carried her over her shoulder and ordered his men to help [Name] up. They followed his order and lifted her off the floor. She gasped out loud and the Arkham Knight whisked his head in her direction. He watched as she hunched over in pain. Her face contorted and her arms wishing to hold herself together. Her face was decorated with more scratches and bruises. He wondered what her suit was hiding beneath. Broken bones? More bruises, but much more darker, yellow?

"Enough with the dramatics, Batgirl," Scarecrow chastised, "the real show has yet to begin." The Arkham Knight followed after his men. Barbara silent as ever and [Name] wincing every time his men lifted her off the floor. She was too tired and weak to fully stand, so they resorted to dragging her body to the cell she was going to be stuck in. Fear gas would soon be in her system screwing up her already screwed up mind.

……

[Name] was carelessly thrown into her bulletproof glass cell. Her body roughly colliding with the floor. Her neck aching in pulses that matched her heart rate. She coughed up and spat blood on the floor. In so much pain, she curled up into a ball and cried out from it all.

"Batgirl." She heard Batman call out to her and she weakly looked up from the floor. "Bat...man," She groaned and pushed herself off the floor only to stumble against the nightstand next to her. Something clinked against the floor and she brought her full attention to it. There mockingly laying in front of her was a loaded pistol.

She then looked in front of her to see her mentor. "Batman, I tried to stop them. But I ended up crashing into a tank and the car- we could have died on impact. I could have, but the Arkham Knight...he sav-"

"Save your breath, Batgirl," Scarecrow popped up on the screens behind her. The background dark and the light on him. "Batman, the task is grueling ahead of you. Standing before you is your current Batgirl, the one you held dear to your heart." [Name]'s heart raced. "And in the other cell is your former sidekick, Barbara Gordon." The Scarecrow chuckled. "You have one choice to make tonight. Save your current Batgirl or the crippled one. You have two minutes to decide. Every ten seconds you wait, a light dose of fear toxin will be injected in their system via the collar they wear."

[Name]'s hand flew to the collar around her neck. She didn't even know when they put this on her. Why couldn't she have felt it earlier? Her eyes were then directed to her right where she saw Barbara sitting down in her wheelchair. "Your time starts now." Scarecrow finished and [Name] ran up to the front of the cell. She placed her hands on the glass and called out to her mentor, "Batman, you have to save Barbara!" She felt a sharp prick at her neck and her vision slowly changed on her.

"No, no," Barbara yelled out holding her hands to her head. "Leave me alone!"

Batman looked between the girls. [Name] banged her hands on the glass to get his attention, "Listen to me, this may be the last time I get to speak to you," another dosage of fear toxin entered her system, "I don't blame you for anything. Not even Jason’s death for which you blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault that the Joker got to him before we could.”

She closed her eyes, so she won't see the horrors in front of her anymore. But that didn't stop the voices.

"You left me alone to die, now look where you ended up. Alone.” Jason taunted.

"Not true, you aren't him," [Name] responded with heavy breathing. Her lungs working at a fast rate due to her panicking. She took a deep breath in and stumbled away from the cell to see Jason’s dead body lying helplessly on the floor. Batman was no longer the center of her attention because the fear toxin was clouding her vision.

The Joker’s laugh echoed in her head and she slapped her hands over her ears. But she could still hear his demented cackle; one of pure evil. Then she heard Jason screaming and yelling as Joker tortured him over and over. Her knees buckled and hit the floor with a pop.

"I c-can't," [Name] cried and looked behind her to see the gun laying on the floor. She crawled over to the weapon and felt the familiar cold kiss her fingers.

"What will you do, Batman? It seems both of them are willing to kill themselves." Scarecrow watched amused by what was happening.

Both Batgirls reached for their weapons. Batman wasn't going to let either one of them to pull the trigger. But he had to think fast. With a heavy heart, he gave [Name] one last good look at her. This is not how he wanted to remember her. She was always so bright. So loving. Yet [Name] gave him permission to save Barbara before her. So he worked on opening Barbara’s cell before the redhead could reach the gun on the nightstand.

……

[Name] wasn't going to deny that her heart ached when Batman chose Barbara over herself. Who was she kidding? Barbara will always hold a special place in Bruce Wayne's heart while [Name] wasn't even sure he saved a spot for her.

[Name]’s mind drifted to the pistol. Her fingers wrapped around the cold gun and she stared at it helplessly. She could end it all right here. Pull the trigger and let her brains splatter against the wall behind her. She could let her body fall limp into Death's arms and have him take her away to wherever God deemed her soul to rest. But suicide isn't welcomed in Heaven. Taking your life was an insult to God who gave you the ability to live. At least that's what the nuns at the orphanage told her.

"You can be with me."

[Name] flinched at how cool and calm Jason's voice was. She knew he was standing right behind her in his Robin costume. She knew the fear toxin was still being applied in her body. Running its course and digging a deeper hole, a place where should would fall in and never come back to the surface.Her fear was coming to life. But she had to look at him again. Just this once.

Slowly, she turned her body around and her eyes widened. Standing before her was Jason, but he looked better. He was wearing casual clothing which consisted of a red tee and jeans. The outfit she last saw him in.

"Don't you want to be with me, [Name]?"

BANG!

She jumped up at the sound of a gun going off and she went to turn around to see what Batman was doing, but Jason stopped her.

"You don't want to look over there, it's not pretty." He warned her and placed a hand under her chin to keep her eyes on him.

[Name] closed her eyes and her hand gripped tighter on the weapon. Batman didn't save Barbara in time and he won't save her either. Because she was going to be with Jason. No one was going to stop her anymore. No Batman. No Arkham Knight.

"All you have to do is pull the trigger. Then I can hold you in my arms forever." He cooed and removed his hand off her face.

[Name] opened her eyes and looked at the gun one last time. The metallic black color shining in a different light. The weight of it light as a feather. She cocked it and lifted the barrel toward her. It touched her chin and she smiled.

This was it.

#jason todd #jason todd imagine #jason todd x reader #arkham knight #arkham knight imagine #batman #batman imagine #imagine #slight angst #dc imagine #reader insert #x reader #red hood #red hood imagine #red hood x reader

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therookieking412 · 4 years

Text

Friday Spin Class

This was meant to be written and posted last Friday!

Hello, Welcome and buckle up because we’re going for a ride!

Princess Tutu is chock full of allegories and allusions of ballets, operas, classical music and literature, and fairy-tales, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Midsummer’s Dream, Giselle, and Romeo and Juliet.

So I have talked about Romeo and Juliet before in relation to the characters of the show, to Mytho and Rue as well as Fakir and Ahiru.

Y’all remember this, too?

And this? The staircase that are actually based on a prop from the ballet, and specifically they’re Juliet's balcony.

And who could forget this?

The dance they perform in the lake of despair derived from the Balcony Scene and Farewell Before Parting.

There was another post about this dance on my blog and you can read more in depth about it there. We’re not here to talk about their dance, maybe I’ll bring it in a little bit, but the specifics of the dance isn’t the topic of discussion.

I read a post a while ago about how Ahiru fills the role of Romeo twice - once when she threw rocks at Mytho’s (and Fakir’s) window, aaaaand I don’t remember what the other one was, but there’s definitely two and someone made a post about that.

However, I want to take it one step further and say that Ahiru takes the role of Romeo fully, not just in some situations.

But What about Fakir?

He takes the role of Juliet.

So, listen.

I’ve been reading Romeo and Juliet, and the more I read it the more I agree with this dissertation.

Let’s go over the first, what, five minutes of the first episode?

Ahiru tells us, the audience, that she is in love with Mytho, before Pique and Lillie break the fact (rub it in her face) that Mytho already has Rue! Leaving her heartbroken.

How does Romeo’s story start?

He’s heartbroken that his love for Rosalind is unrequited.

Interesting.

Also, I want to point out that Benvolio is described as a friend of and cousin to Romeo, with Mercutio being described as “...a show-off who likes to entertain others” (Romeo and Juliet, A word to the Reader, pg 8). Benevolio doesn’t get much description outside of his relationship with Romeo, but Benevolio, I’ve found, is a pretty constant character who generally cares about Romeo.

And in case you haven’t already guessed, Pique and Lillie fit into the role of Benvolio and Mercutio, and they fit it pretty well. Lillie being super overdramatic (and bloodthirsty) providing a lot of humor to the scenes she’s in, and Pique is a genuine friend to Ahiru who is looking out for her, e.g. all the excuses she gives Mr. Cat so Ahiru won’t be forced to marry him.

Another character I want to point out is Autor and Tybalt.

Autor’s main theme is also Dance of the Knights, which (I haven’t seen the ballet) I believe is the first dance of the Capulet’s ball. A dance that Tybalt partakes in, and while I’m not familiar with music theory, I do believe that you can hear parts of the Dance of the Knights in other scenes with Tybalt. Tybalt is Juliet’s cousin, and based on Autor’s findings, he is Fakir’s cousin (twice removed or whatever).

Princess Tutu is not an adaption of Romeo and Juliet, but a lot of the elements of the story are present here, especially where Ahiru and Fakir reside.

Firstly, I want to talk about how Fakir is Juliet. We already have the two examples of Ahiru acting as Romeo, but what does Fakir have besides stabbing himself?

From Juliet’s first scene, you can see she’s smart, strong, and clever; the balcony scene, Romeo oh Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo (asking why is your name Romeo, not where is he) Juliet’s speech is her excusing the fact that his name doesn’t define him, and that it’s only for his name that they can’t be together.

Juliet finds out Romeo is a Montague, but does that turn her away from him? Does that make her love him any less? Does she turn on him? Become like her family and hate him just because of his family ties?

No.

Juliet is still upset, but she overcomes it.

When Fakir finds out Ahiru is really a duck he doesn’t treat her any differently or love her any less.

Ahiru likewise is Romeo, she starts out with an unrequited love, and while she doesn’t fall in love with Fakir as instantly as Romeo does, as I said last week, she still loved him first.

Ahiru is framed as Romeo, however in their dances and the promotional art, she takes over the role of Juliet.

Romeo runs on impulse, and is considered hot-tempered, very clearly, I can think of two situations where Ahiru gets angry and impulsive, the first when Fakir locks Mytho in the library, and the second when she first meets Autor.

Ahiru races into the scene and tries to open the locked door and almost gives herself away to Fakir. Well, she definitely does, she tells Fakir she knows what’s going on, just not who she is. But the point being is that she comes in and starts scolding Fakir before trying to open a locked door by pulling on the handle.

The second is when Autor offers Fakir his help in drawing out and obtaining his story spinning abilities, he demands that Fakir follow his every order and then Ahiru brusts in, ready to fight on Fakir’s behalf.

Sounds impulsive and hot-tempered to me.

Ahiru is also our symbol of peace, especially as Princess Tutu, she doesn’t fight anyone she only asks them to dance and defends herself. But Romeo kills Tybalt.

Ahiru never really settles around Autor, her first meeting with him isn’t great, when she goes to find Fakir, she watches him stumble and fall, and without any context accuses Autor of doing something to him, when they go to the Oak Tree grave Ahiru is concerned for Fakir and tries to go to him, but Autor grabs her and holds her back, which isn’t going to make anything better.

Ahiru doesn’t kill Autor, but the relationship they have is still hostile and far from peaceful.

Ahiru and Fakir have a very unique story that stems from many places, but their roles as Romeo and Juliet fit them perfectly, where Drosselmeyer intended them to or not.

Now I’ve said that I don’t think Drosselmeyer was a smart man, I think he was a fool, he abused his powers and thought of this as more of a game rather than something serious, a form of entertainment. While I’m sure Drosselmeyer has seen Romeo and Juliet, I doubt he would engrain their love story in his, especially since Ahiru was supposed to proclaim her love to Mytho and disappear into a speck of light.

Personally, I don’t think Drosselmeyer doesn’t have a role in Romeo and Juliet, he doesn’t fit in as nicely as some of the other characters do, I would hardly call him Shakespeare, but perhaps a member of the audience, standing and watching the tale.

Fakir and Ahiru were never intended to be Romeo and juliet, and even when Drosselmeyer saw what was happening and used that to his advantage - trying to make Ahiru drown herself - Fakir and Ahiru still resisted their fates, and while their story doesn’t end in death, it still ends in something bittersweet, something far from a happy ending.

#romeo and juliet #fakiru #fakir #ahiru #princess tutu #Friday Spin Class

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the209social · 3 years

Text

2020

5:59pm 11.03.2020

Anson Seabra “Thats Us” on repeat

I have gone through my share of trials and tribulations over the years, yet if you would have told me that in 2020 i was going to lose close friendships, get my heart stepped on, have a breakdown and go through a scary health situation, i would have told you that you were crazy. There are no words that could have prepared me for the events that have happened to me in the last couple of months. To be honest they even shock me as i sit here thinking of them. Im in a state of disbelief, i sit here numb to the feelings that flow through me and all the events that have occurred.

Back in May my closest friend of over 15 years decided to stop talking to me. Basically i got ghosted by the one friend that i loved and cherished the most. Sophia was the one person that had been there through all the times i cried, laughed and felt depressed. I felt like i had lost a small portion of myself. Such a cowardly way to end a friendship if you ask me. No explanation as to why i wasn’t worth a conversation as to why she no longer wanted to be friends with me anymore. I felt like a rug had been pulled from under me and i was falling but just couldn’t seem to hit the ground. As time moved forward and i heard nothing from this so called friend i came to the realization that our friendship was really over. I can’t say that i took the time to cry because somewhere deep down in me i had hope that we could pick up where we left off. When people would ask me about her i simply smiled with pain deep in my soul and just told people that we didn’t talk anymore. One thing that i never did was talk ill about her. I don’t hold any grudges over her. I have nothing but good things to say about her because she held my hand through some of my darkest moments in life. For that i will always be thankful. I just wish she could have been upfront with me and given me a reason as to why she felt that our friendship was no longer worth continuing. Maybe i did do something to trigger these horrific events, but i will never know because words were never spoken to mend the situation. So i can’t sit here and pretend that im sorry because i don’t know the reasons why it all ended. With time i learned to stop wanting answers and as the months continued without a sign of slowing down i became contempt with the idea of not getting answers and i lost interest in fixing this broken friendship. Sophia has become nothing more than a memory of a beautiful time that has come and past. She will always hold a special place in my heart, but that’s it. I no longer desire to rekindle a friendship who held no value for me.

Around the same time that i was being ghosted by my friend i was beginning to fall in love for Luis, a guy that i saw potential in as a human being. For the first time in a long time i was feeling something again. If you follow my tumblr you’ll know that the last time i felt anything for a guy was for Romeo. It felt good to be liberated in a way from those feeling i had for him. It was a new beginning for me that i didn’t know how to go about it. I was tired of hiding my feeling but i was scared to tell Luis because he and i had formed a strong friendship. In the beginning of the year I literally bent over backwards for him and helped him through probably one of the toughest situations he had ever been through in his life. I thought he would take my actions and everything i did for him into consideration if i told him how i felt for him. I was tired of living in fear of expressing my feelings so i wrote him a long email telling him how i felt and how special he was to me. To be honest i had a tinny bit of hope that he would take a chance on me. I truly thought that he would see the potential in me and how willing i was to go the extra mile for him because i saw greatness in him even on his worse days. I thought that he would see that i was put in his path for a reason. Deep in my soul i wondered if Luis would see that i was one of the few people that encouraged him to become a better version of himself. Sadly it would not be meant to be. He never said he didn't love me in return, he simply said he wanted to stay friends. I thought we could have been something great together. I tried not to make things awkward between us because i was grown up enough to understand that i could still love Luis, even if it meant only being his friend. So there i was suppressing feeling for someone again. Oh yeah, and Sophia at one point had warned me that as soon as Luis was comfortable and not worried about the situation he was going through, he would set me aside because he knew how much i loved him and i would always be there regardless. Little did i know that those words would stick with me like an afterthought in the back of my head. So as time went by Luis, the man i had such a strong friendship with, and that knew i had feelings for him, started to text and call me less and less. There were nights where i wished he would call to just hang out and watch a movie and bake cookies like we use to do. I would watch his social media stories and i would see him hanging out with people that didn’t give two fucks about him. It actually made me feel worthless because i cared for his future and his well being but there is only so much you can do. As my feelings grew more and more for him i began to notice that i was the one that was always reaching out to him to hang out, to talk or simply text. I saw how he lost interest in my company so i made a decision that i knew would hurt me at first but that with time i would heal. I decided that i would no longer view his stories on social media, the less i knew about Luis the better. Also i decided that i would no longer reach out to him. I was not going to make the same mistakes i did with Romeo by giving him feelings and time he didn’t want or deserved. I came to the conclusion that Luis could care less and that i needed to be on the same page and be okay with it. So i stopped calling and texting him. It was my turn for him to miss me. Weeks would go by, even a full month before i would get a text from him just to say “hi, how are are you doing?” That was pretty much the most we really talked. It always felt like he was texting me out of boredom. I can’t lie. I truly yearned to hear from Luis at first, but as time went by i began to occupy my mind in other areas of my life that needed my attention. Areas that i had put on the back burner to please others or simply because i was busy giving so much love away that i forgot to also love myself. So i started to miss him less and less. But every so often i would come across his name in my phone or a picture and all those feelings i was working so hard to avoid would try rushing back. I learned to cry it out at night and let it go. So in the end my friendship with Luis has also dwindled into little moments full of amazing memories. Do i still love him? I would be lying if i said i don’t have feelings for him anymore. I care for him a lot and there are still nights that i stay up not being able to sleep because he’s on the back of my mind, but is it love? I think it was love at one point, but he showed me his true colors and how unimportant i am in his life. All i have for him now is good wishes. I hope he finds that happiness i know he is desperately looking for and that he learns from his mistakes to become that amazing man i know he will be one day. I hope he finds someone that is willing to love him as much as i did and is willing to ride through the sunny days as well as through his storms like i was. He actually told me recently that he met someone. I have to admit that it felt like being stabbed, not in my heart but in my soul. It hurt me to my very core and i felt a bit of jealous that this complete stranger that hadn’t put in any work or feelings into him, could simply come along and make him feel like she’s worth it and i wasn’t. But i realized that i cant force him to love me no matter what i do for him, the effort i put in or the feelings i show him. At the end of the day i want those that i love to also find a love of their own even if its not with me. As he was telling me about this girl he met i sat there looking into his eyes hoping he would not see the brokeness in mine. I smiled through my pain and his words that had shattered me inside and i wished him luck on his new relationship. That’s real love. For now, i’m okay with calling him a friend even though i wish it could have been more, but i rather have a little bit of him than none at all.

As my feelings for Luis were dwindling i began to fall into an area of sadness that i had never experienced before. In that sadness i found solace in my memories of Romeo. At first he would pop up when i felt the most sad. I would remember times where we had laughed or just shared something special. Maybe a party we both went too or a car ride where we sang at the top of our lungs to music we both liked. It was little things that came to mind. My mind would take me back to the long conversations that we shared about life in my room and in our cars, where we talked all night about hopes and dreams until the sun came up. I did not miss Romeo in a romantic way because i was still dealing with my feeling for Luis, but the more Luis ignored me the more space Romeo began to take in my mind. The more time went by i began to stop thinking of Luis at night and i began to think of Romeo. I must be clear that i missed Romeo as a person and as a friend. It got to the point where i thought about Romeo so much that i went onto his social media. There i saw a video of him singing a song that i would always request from him to sing when he would play his guitar at parties. I sat there hearing him sing this song with so much emotion that it brought tears to my eyes. I had forgotten what his voice sounded like. I had forgotten how easily i got lost in his eyes. I couldn’t help but think “why didn’t it work out between us? Why doesn't it ever work out with the person i give all my love too?” Without thinking i double-taped his video. I could have taken it back, but i wanted him to know that i saw it and that i liked it. I wanted him to know that i did not harbor any hate towards him. Yes he did break me in ways that no man had ever done before, but time had made me grow and i had learned to forgive and let go. The more time that went by the more i called Romeo with my thoughts. I honestly believe that when you manifest what you desire to the universe it grants it to you, but it’s up to us to make something of the opportunity or it will simply slip away. With that being said during this time i had my routine of going to the park and jogging and walking with a great friend of mine. One summer day as i was walking around the park from a distance i saw a man by himself bouncing a soccer ball around and i immediately knew that was Romeo. I could spot him in a crowd of a million people. I can still remember his mannerisms and the way he moved and walked. I saw him several other times after that for about two weeks but i never took the initiative to walk up to him and attempt to talk things out. The want was there, i was just afraid of the outcome. I feel like he probably wanted me to take the initiative and speak to him first, why else would he come to the park again and again knowing that’s where i worked-out. Sadly when i finally worked up the courage to talk to him he stopped coming to the park and i never saw him come back. Things have to be done in the moment. I feel like the universe was giving me a big sign to mend things between us but i threw away the opportunity. Then i started jogging at the levee so i will never know if he ever went back. Still i couldn’t stop thinking that we could mend things and start fresh, begin a new friendship. One day that i felt extra sad i sat on my bed and began to compose a letter for him. I wrote from the deepest parts of my broken soul and i literally cried the whole time i wrote. I didn’t know if he had the same number so i decided to send it through DM on IG. He never opened or read it. I guess i thought that his friendship would bring me comfort, simply because it had once before and i was in need of someone that could calm my soul and bring me peace. I knew that he was one of the only persons that could make me feel at peace. I mean i couldn’t run to my friend Luis that i had feeling for because he was too busy living his life and not including me. I mean not even a call or text to hang out. The weeks went by and my hopes began to die that Romeo would actually open my letter and at least write “fuck you” in return. I had this stupid hope that we could be friends and start all over. Who knows what it would have led to but at least we would have had a fresh start, leaving the past behind us. I guess i’m a dreamer and i wish a little too hard. If it didn’t happen it’s for a reason and with all the things that had happened to me up to that point i learned to simply let go. After weeks of waiting for him to read my DM i finally grew tired and i simply went into the DM and took my message back and deleted it. Once again i had to move on from something new. I promised myself that i would never reach out to him every again and i would never go onto his social media, and i’ve kept my promise since that day.

As life attempted to teach me self value i had another friendship that i didn’t know was hanging from a thread. My friend Mimi’s birthday was coming up and the whole month i kept asking her what her plans were. She was one of my closest friends. I loved and still love Mimi with my whole entire soul, but there are actions in life that speak louder than words. My friend had initially told me that she wanted to go to Tahoe for her birthday. I asked her to tell me with time so that i could save up for the trip. I was excited to be able to spend her big day with her. She was important to me and she knows this. As the month came to a close she told me she had no plans and that at the most she would have something small at her house. When her birthday weekend came i reached for my phone to ask her what were the plans since she hadn’t told me anything. As i opened my phone, for some strange reason it took me straight to Facebook and a video popped up. It was my friends turning up for her birthday and at first i didn’t think anything of it. I initially thought that she was celebrating at another’s friends house. In my head i thought, “hey i’ll just hit her up and i’ll get an invite.” As the video continued i notice that it was not our friends house that she was at. I also noticed that Sophia was there. I checked to see if the location had been tagged on the video and it had. They were all in Tahoe celebrating. I had been left out. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I was tired of being hurt by the people i loved the most. I turned off my phone and i felt this deep hurt in chest and knot in my throat. I was tired of holding so much in and i simply let it out and cried. I tried to reason as to why i was left out. I attempted to come up with scenarios as to why my very close friend would exclude me from celebrating her big day with her knowing that i was constantly telling her what the plan was for her birthday. So i came to the conclusion that she must of not known about it. Obviously her big day was planned by someone who didn’t want me there and i accepted that. What i could not understand was how did Mimi not find in her heart to text me and say, “hey i know you wanted to celebrate my bday with me but i didn't know about this surprise and i’m sorry you didn't get an invite.” Would i still have been hurt, yes. Would i have understood, yes. Yet that didn’t happen and i stayed hurt. When the day of her actual birthday came i could not bring myself to wish Mimi a happy birthday. Not because i was being petty or to prove a point but because i still felt so hurt and i knew that my birthday wishes would not have been sincere. I honestly thought she would reach out and we would talk it out. I really never thought she would stop talking to me. Sitting here and writing about this memory i cant help but cry. This one hurt a little different. After all the other things that i have gone through i started to just learn to let go. So i took the time to grieve and cry it out and i simply just let go. I don’t doubt she has people in her ear telling her that reaching out to me is not worth it. To be honest if it was that easy to throw me to the side and not care about me, i rather she never reach out. This just makes me think twice about who really is my friend. Im tired of always being the one to beg for friends and i’m tired of being the one to fix relationships. Im sorry if you feel like i’m not putting any effort into the situation, but i want to feel loved too. i want to see if i’m worth fighting for just as much as i would of been willing to fight for any of the people i have written about today. Am i worth it?

So much was happening in my life and i had so many feelings that i just didn’t know how to deal with them that i began to pick up old habits. I began to go out a lot and get plastered drunk to cope with the feelings of losing close friends. I would get drunk and flirt with guys i would meet at the club, then leave with them and hook up with these idiots i found cute at the moment. The alcohol was a way to numb the sadness i felt for losing friends and leaving with other guys was just a way to numb my feelings i felt for Luis. The drinking made me forget, even if it was for a moment. To top it off the day came when i had to get a surgery that i had been planning with my doctor for over a year. I told very few people about it. I usually put everything up on social media but this time i decided i would keep this to myself. There were risks going in and i knew that it was a delicate surgery. The week before my surgery i asked Luis to hang out and he responded by saying “Yeah ill definitely visit you before the 15th ill text you or call when i’m free lately everyone’s been needed my help.” It’s funny that every time his social media came up he was out on the boat or bike riding or hanging out with other friends. He was so “busy.” He’s the only person that i reached out to and asked to see before my surgery. Luis never made the time to come see me. That made me feel so worthless. Sophia’s words began to haunt me, “as soon as the situation that he was going through passes or gets better he’s going to set you aside.” Sophia was right, but when you like someone you put up with a lot of shit, but there is always a breaking point. The day of the surgery came. Even Mimi text me to say good luck. I responded with a thank you and i told her i loved her, she never wrote back. To be honest somewhere deep down i kinda hoped to close my eyes and never open them again. I just wanted to stop feeling everything at once. I went into the operating room asking the universe to just send me onto my next life. I laid there on the operating room table staring at the large lights that they use to operate. The doctor asked if i was ready, i just gave a sad smile, took a deep breath and closed my eyes hoping not to open them again. My surgery was suppose to take 2-3 hours. I ended up having to have two surgeries, had breathing problems while under anesthesia and i was in surgery for 10 hours. I woke up and opened my eyes, i felt no pain just some major soreness. Things felt different within me. I was wheeled to my room and my stuff was brought to me. My phone was full of messages and missed calls from actual friends that remembered i had surgery that day and they were worried as to why i wasn’t returning their text and calls. That night i decided that i would never again in my life let anyone control so much of my emotions. I promised myself to only love as much as i was loved and to only input into a relationship and friendship as much as the other person put in. I promised to make changes in myself and to slowly begin to let go of all the “friendships” that i felt did not add to my growth. It was time to match the energy others gave to me.

My recovery was faster than i expected. I had lots of soreness but no pain. The first week i needed a walker to get around. the second week i got stronger and i had my catheter taken out. On Thursday it will be three weeks since my surgery and i’m able to get out of bed myself and walk around with more ease. I can see myself healing so fast. Maybe its my new outlook on life and i cant wait to get out into the world and work on the new me. I want to build the few friendships that i have left and make them strong. I want to meet new people that want to live life and not spend it at house parties, bars and clubs. Don’t get me wrong those activities are fun but they should not be weekly thing. As for love, I don’t ever want to experience it again. I want to finish school, travel more even if it’s on my own and start having children and give them all my love.

Throughout these last months i know that i have gone through a lot, but there were also people in my life that made it bearable. I want to take the time to thank those few friends that kept checking in on me and invited me to be part of their special moments or simply call me to hang out and just talk. You all made life a bit more easy and for that i will always be thankful. It also made me realize what true friendship looks like. I love you all.

11:30pm

#2020 #Memories #life #heartbreak #losses #love story #memoir #stay strong #nothing is forever #hard times #new beginnings #new blog #gay blog #gay #lgbtq blog #life moves on

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