#maybe at that point in my life i’ll get the courage to ask my irl friends and family to call me piper | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

moonctzeny · 3 years

Note

Ah Eva you’re back with your drabble game! I’ve always loved reading em, and I found that Johnny and Superhuman is really cute!

As for the game... May I ask for Taeil with the song IRL by Stephanie Poetry? The song is too catchy it keeps on playing in my head 🥲 👉🏻👈🏻

Thank you Eva!

hiii glad to see you participate again! ❤ This is the first time I write for Taeil so thank you for requesting him! And the song is really cute too ^ ^ hope you like this!

taeil + IRL

warnings: mention of food, alcohol consumption, a little suggestive

You’re not sure what went wrong. You had followed the recipe to a T, so where is all that smoke coming from? Dirty utensils on the kitchen counter, a burned stir fry that looks like plain coal in your pot and you, standing there in the middle, on the verge of tears. You desperately want to forget any of that happened, open that bottle of wine that’s been sitting on your fridge and call it a day. You’re thinking about what take out you should get as you scrape the burnt vegetables off the hotplate when your doorbell rings, and you wonder if the gods of cooking decided to order a pizza on your behalf.

A familiar face greets you when you open the door, one you recognize to belong to one of your neighbours. You’ve exchanged ‘good mornings’ and ‘how are you’s’ on several occasions, when you cross paths on the main stairwell or share an awkwardly silent elevator ride. His name escaped your memories when he first introduced himself to you, too busy telling yourself not to say anything embarrassing in front of him, and after a point you were too shy to ask. In your head, you referred to him as the ‘insanely cute neighbour’, the name self explanatory. But what is he doing, ringing your doorbell for the first time? And why is he holding a fire extinguisher?

“I smelled something burning in here, are you ok? Is there a fire?”

You blink back at him, thinking of the right words to explain your clumsiness in the kitchen while not completely ruining his impression of you, but a mere glance at the mess of your kitchen does all the talking for you.

“I’m fine, sorry for worrying you. I got distracted away from the frypan for two minutes.”

He seems to feel a little bad for carrying a whole fire extinguisher with him, a blush resting right over his cheeks that you think is adorable.

“Wanna come over for dinner at my place? I just finished cooking and I made a bit too much by accident.”

“Thank you, but I wouldn’t wanna burden you. I’ll just order some Chinese, it’s fine”

“You won’t be a burden”, the cute neighbor argues, with a matching cute pout of his lips, “I like your company.”

There weren’t many things in this world that could make you refuse that invitation, so you find yourself sitting comfortably at his dinner table, watching him serve the Korean dish he had prepared in two matching plates. Taeil- thank God for the tag on his doorbell for reminding you - was an excellent cook. You feel a little envious of the significant other he must have in his life as he’s serving you a glass of wine, looking even more delicious than his food in the pretty apron he’s wearing. The conversation flows pleasantly, the time even faster. And maybe it’s the result of the sweet wine you’ve been sipping, but your heart hasn’t stopped pounding.

“Thank you for joining me, really. I work for many hours so it’s hard for me to spend time with other people. It’s nice to have a company like this.”

“I bet your s/o loves your food”, you mutter louder than you had intended, your murmur reaching his ears.

“I bet they would, if I had one.”

“You’re single??!”

Taeil laughs at your shriek, taking a sip of his wine to at least partially cover the redness of his face.

“You seem shocked?”

“Well I mean, yeah”, you answer back, fueled with liquid courage, “you’re handsome and funny and a good cook. And you haven’t made fun of me once for burning my broccoli”

“You were making broccoli? How did you-?”

You send a death glare his way to warn him about saying more and he coughs in his fist, futilely trying to hide the laughter bubbling up in his chest.

“Taeil! I’m here saying how you’re too good to be true and you treat me like this?”, you feign offended, his laugh contagious and making your lips twitch in a smile.

“Hey, you’re single as well! And that’s even more unbelievable.”

“Nice save, Taeil.”

“I mean it.”

The sincerity of his voice catches you off guard, raising your body temperature until your skin feels suffocating and his gaze on it burning.

“Ok, how about that. Next time I’m inviting you over. And I can cook whatever you want. Just tell me what you want to have.”

“I have a thing or two in mind”, he answers cheekily, and it takes a lot of self control not to grab him from the hem of his apron and suck on his wine stained lips. “Should I bring the extinguisher then too? Just in case I have to put out a fire?”

“I was thinking maybe you should start one.”

#nct drabble game #taeil drabble #taeil fluff #nct drabbles #nct fluff #taeil scenarios #taeil imagines #taeil x reader

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ghoste-catte · 3 years

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multiples of 3 ✌🏼-sgmdrcklee

@sagemoderocklee you’re really trying to kill me lol

This got long as heck so I’m throwing it behind a cut. Read on for answers and fic recs! (Mostly the fic recs)

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

This is a tough one to answer for me generally because I tend to spit words onto the page and once I have written them I no longer remember writing them. And 2020 has stretched on so long that as I’m looking at some of the stuff I wrote in the beginning of this year, I hardly remember what’s even in it. I think at one point someone (@goblin-draws maybe?) mentioned a line in Sleeptalk with Me where the innkeeper calls Kankuro “chubby boy”, and I was like “Oh ... did I write that? Yeah, sounds like something I’d have someone say to Kankuro ...”

It might be easier to talk about this in other terms. One of the scenes I worked the hardest on this year was the fight scene in Chapter 3 of Skeleton Key. The original draft of the scene was a lot shorter, and a lot of the backstory for Misaki’s revenge quest was elided. The scene as originally written was clunky, confusing, and as my lovely wife/beta put it sounded “like a Naruto villain” was doing the dialogue, when previously she’d found Misaki sinister and intriguing. Which wasn’t what I wanted. I basically entirely overhauled the scene and re-wrote it several times. I wouldn’t call it a ‘favorite’ scene (I hate writing fight scenes generally; having chosen to immerse myself in a fandom about ninja where much of the drama comes from battle is my eternal regret), but it is a scene that I put a lot of effort into, and I’m moderately satisfied with the improved product that resulted.

6. least popular fic this year

By far my least popular fic by kudos ever is Pitch Perfect. Which makes complete sense to me. It’s a fic where I’ve written 2 characters who are men in canon as cis women, which pushes a lot of uncomfortable buttons for a lot of people. It contains F/F smut, which is something that a lot of people who choose to read GaaLee probably aren’t out there looking for. And people comment and kudos less on smutfics, I assume because they don’t want their username attached to porn or because they’re embarrassed (which I totally get, no shame there). It’s a modern AU with a sports twist, and AUs are often less popular than canonverse in my experience. I will say though that it has a surprisingly high number of private bookmarks compared to other fics with comparable hit and kudos counts. So I assume people are just a bit more shy because the premise is so ‘out there’. I will say as far as my fics go, it’s one of my personal favorites and probably one of the most intimate and true-to-life things I’ve written? So it actually is a little comforting to know that something so vulnerable has relatively little attention.

9. longest wip of the year

If we’re going based on stuff that’s partially published but not complete, my Gaara-adopts-Shinki fic On My Way Home is my longest in-progress fic at just over 20k words, although technically I started it in 2019. It will probably end up being right around 40-50k when it’s complete, which might end up situating it as my longest fic ever?

12. favorite character to write about this year

Okay, this is an easy one. I love writing Kankuro. I think he is hilarious. He is the devil on my shoulder and a creature of pure id, and every time I write a line of dialogue for him it’s the summation of my rudest thoughts about a situation put in the crudest possible terms. If there were a megaphone directly from my unfiltered brain giving running commentary, that would be Kankuro.

15. something you learned this year

I have learned SO much this year! This is only my 2nd year properly ‘focusing’ on writing fic and investing any substantial time into it. I think the biggest thing I have learned, though, is how to overcome a lot of my self-consciousness about writing stories with NSFW elements in them. Starting out, I was so extremely shy and mortified about writing fic at all, much less things like hugging or (god forbid!) kissing. So taking on the smut prompts I took this year and really buckling down on learning to write the mechanics and emotions of sex has been a massive learning experience. (And sorry, by the way, if I haven’t gotten to a prompt you sent me in January yet. I do intend to write all of them eventually!)

18. current number of WIPs

Ah. The call-out question. My general fic process is idea -> outline -> wip -> edit -> ready to post (where the final draft sits in my docs until I gin up the courage to actually post it). So skipping fics that are just “ideas” on the big mega-list, I have 3 fics in the “outline” stage, 13 fics in the partially written “wip” stage, 1 fic in the “editing” stage, and 2 that are complete but yet-to-be-posted. So, like, 19 total in the offing. (The “ideas” list is even worse lol.)

21. most memorable comment/review

This is such a difficult question because every single comment I get makes me do a little dance for joy. That’s not an exaggeration btw I really sit there and like bounce around in my seat for a moment before I open the Ao3 email. I am not an especially emotive person irl, but there have been times I’ve been brought near tears by comments. I’ll also occasionally show them to my wife like !! look at this nice thing this person said !! and she’s indulgent enough to actually read them. There have been a couple comments that have really stuck with me, that I starred in my inbox and return to frequently, but I don’t want to bring attention to someone else without their permission. I will say there was one person recently who mentioned (not in the comments on one of my fics) that they had found someone who does physical binding of fanfiction and they were about to ask my permission to do that, but then the person who does the binding only does certain ships that she likes ... so that, just, absolutely floored me. The idea that someone might actual want a physical copy of my stupid little ninja fanfictions is, like, so truly immense and completely overwhelming?

24. favorite fic you read this year

You can’t make me pick just one!! (For reference, I have bookmarked right around 180 fics in the past year, and that’s not including fics that I just read, really enjoyed, but didn’t think I could ‘handle’ a second time around.) So, skipping over the ones that AREN’T Naruto ... here is a brief sampling of some faves:

Silica by deepestbluest (rated E, GaaLee, ShikaTema, and Kankiba) - An absolute emotional powerhouse of a fic that manages to skillfully interweave three complex relationship dynamics, satisfactorily resolve them, and give you ALL the sandsibs feels in just over 10k words.

Childhood Not-Friends (series) by MegaWallflower (rated G, KakaGai) - @megawallflower is a KakaGai god for good reason. Absolutely adorable relationship development fics (five of them!) with the premise that Kakashi thinks he and Gai have been dating since they were kids ... Gai just hasn’t been clued into it yet. These stories will give you heart-eyes.

The Bright Side by gidget_goes (rated T, GaaLee) - This is the Buffy AU I never knew I needed, because I’ve never seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But truly you don’t need any Buffy knowledge to enjoy this fic. @gidget-goes command of imagery is masterful, and the way they manage to snap from snark to tugging at your heartstrings is awe-inspiring. Gaara breaks my heart in this. And did I mention Kankuro wears a 10-gallon hat? Because Kankuro wears a 10-gallon hat.

Nature vs. Nurture by Bidiza (rated T, GaaLee) - So introspective and so poetic. This looks like a WIP but it’s actually multiple oneshots, although by the end of the second one you’ll be dying for the rest of the promised series.

I’m a Fool to Want You by BeelieveRosemarie (rated M, GaaLee) - Turns out @tuttiefruttiegaalee isn’t just an amazing artist, they’re a writer, too! Slow-dancing that will break your heart. Listen to the Frank Sinatra song while you read this for extra tear-jerking effect.

Let Love be Known (series) by TenTomatoes (rated G, GaaLee) - This is the twist on the arranged marriage trope and Beauty and the Beast that I didn’t realize this fandom was missing. I’m absolutely obsessed with their concept of Gaara as the Beast

I Could Be by LilacNoctua (rated T, GaaLee) - I know I big up @lilac-writes Worthwhile series a lot (deservedly so, because it’s so good it makes you look at the series and go “Why the fuck didn’t Kishimoto make this canon exactly like this?”), but this story made me absolutely die between the butterflies in my stomach and how hard I was laughing. There’s one line--you’ll know it when you read it--that absolutely bowls me over every time I re-read this.

And Then Continue by EgregiousDerp (rated E, GaaLee) - Obviously I’m biased because this was a gift, but @egregiousderp writes some of the the best characterized porn I’ve ever read. You will read this and go “Wow! This is exactly how it would happen!” It’s such a tender, beautiful exploration of Gaara’s insecurities and a very real feeling first time, for all its soft edges.

Cake by citronelle (rated E, KanKiba) - I don’t even know what to say about this one other than ... phew, this is extremely well written, extremely hot, and extremely in character. Just read it. I promise it’s worth it.

Saudade by YumKiwiDelicious (rated M, GaaLee) - I’ve run around reccing this to just about every person on the face of the earth at this point. If you’re in the GaaLee Discord you probably saw everyone salivating over every new update of this fic and with good reason. The twists and turns of this fic will have you on the edge of your seat, second guessing every single moment. And it will break your heart in the meantime. What more could you want?

the love potion commotion by floating_cats (rated T, NejiSasu with background GaaLee) - One of those fics where you wish the author’s sense of humor was your own. So many hilarious moments in this story, and it brought me a new appreciation for a ship I never would have even considered.

Finger Lickin’ Good by whazzername (rated E, GaaLee) - Whazz is another one of those authors where I literally want to rec every single thing she’s ever written, she’s just that good. (Speaking of which, if you haven’t read Fools Rush In and its sequel Degrees of Separation, you’re missing out on the best possible Metal origin story of all time. Don’t deprive yourself of this.) But this story is just ... so incredibly in character for a situation that reads like crack. It’s handled with the utmost straight-facedness and it’s so. freakin’. good.

heart lines by winterberry_holly (rated M, NejiTen and GaaLee) - I don’t even have the words to describe how perfect this fic is. It’s a truly beautiful exploration of Tenten’s relationship with her palmistry hobby and with the people in her life. My heart ached with every single line.

Standing on Ceremony by kuroashi (rated E, GaaLee) - This is just ... such a beautiful wedding story. So lovely, like getting the best possible warm hug from someone you love. If that love one was slightly strange and socially inept, because, well. It’s still Gaara doing Gaara-things. @baphometsss is another one of those authors whose handling of smut scenes is so stupendous it makes me wildly jealous.

Thrall by RokiRiot (rated T, GaaLee) - Idiots-to-lovers with a magic AU twist! This is such a wonderful story, and Gaara’s internal monologue is absolutely amazing. And Lee is Deaf in this fic, which I never ever get to see and which absolutely made my entire day/week/month/life.

Make-Out Consequences by LuxaLucifer (rated M, KakaGai with background canon Boruto ships) - I laughed so hard reading this that I had to take a breather to stop crying. That’s not an exaggeration. The characterization in this fic is impeccable and the humor is to die for. Naruto’s buffoonery truly shines here, and the author’s wit is just beyond anything I could even properly summarize. Hysterical. A++.

Thirteen Strokes by Luna_Lee (rated T, GaaLee) - Again, like, if you aren’t reading literally everything @sagemoderocklee writes, are you even really a GaaLee fan? But this fic is beyond even for one of Eeri’s incredibly excellent writings. The worldbuilding in this, the cultural notes, the imagery ... it’s all so lush and so fulfilling and so beautiful. It’s a story about love and it’s a story that you can tell has love poured into every single line. I can’t recommend it enough.

Checkmate by shadowstrangle (rated G, GaaLee) - The pettiness vibes ... this is so funny. Such a cute story and I love Gaara’s sense of humor here. Not a lot of writers give him a sense of humor, but I love how @shadowstrangle gives him a slightly odd, slightly left-of-center take on humor that still manages to be so funny.

To Court a Village by FanFictionEngineer (rated G, GaaLee) - Another one where my bias is perhaps slightly obvious, but the premise of this fic is amazing. I love cultural misunderstandings, and the idea of Lee trying his hardest to court Gaara ineptly is just so perfect.

affliction of feeling by theformerone (rated E, SakuHina) - One of those ships that it would never have occurred to me to seek out but that absolutely works with how the author’s set it up. The dynamics here are delicious. It’s so rare to find good F/F porn but this is one of them for sure.

Tried and Tested by twentysomething (Rated M, KakaIru with background canon Boruto ships and GaaLee) - Iruka’s narration in this story is just incredible. I haven’t laughed this hard reading a fic in ages. And the concept alone (that Naruto can’t be promoted to Hokage until he passes his chuunin exams ... as an adult ... and Sasuke gets dragged along for the ride) is just brilliant. Amazing concept, amazingly executed.

a fireside waltz by winterberry_holly (rated M, GaaLee) - I really tried not to rec a single author more than once here but for this one I had to. I got about halfway through this fic and immediately started running around ringing the town crier bell like READ THIS FIC! READ THIS FIC! An absolutely smoldering Regency AU with such beautiful, intimate dance scenes. My heart was racing every single time their fingers brushed. If you don’t read anything else on this list, at the very least read this.

27. favorite fanfic author of the year

I really can’t pick just one. I am lucky enough that @egregiousderp passes me her drafts under the table before (or without) publishing, and getting to read those is a private treat of unparalleled proportions. Some of my favorite things I’ve read this year I can’t even rec because they’re her unpublished stuff.

30. favorite fandom to read fic from this year

This is gonna come off strange because I just wrote such a long Naruto reclist, but I recently watched What We Do in the Shadows, and found an incredibly talented group of authors in that fandom with really amazingly good dialogue and narrative voice. I also read a lot of fic for the new It movies (even though I couldn’t watch the 2nd one for ~reasons~), and damn if there isn’t a talented crop of authors in that fandom, too. And finally with ATLA making its way onto Netflix, I had the chance to start watching that for the first time and found a ton of really good fic there as well!

fanfic end of the year asks!

#answered #ask meme #sagemoderocklee #Anonymous

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ifonlysj · 4 years

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heyyyy i'm a relatively new elf and i loooove sungmin but i have a question. you said sungmin "made a mistake in the way he treated fans who were supporting and even helping out his wedding". what is that about? i only know that he got hate for marrying which is bullshit but what happened with supportive fans? thank you, love your blog

hey anon! as promised: here is my opinion about how sungmin handled the situation~ and please take it with a grain of salt and form your own judgement.

just wanted to remind everyone reading this that i still think sungmin should come back to super junior too! if there is something you wish to correct/disagree with under the cut, let me know nicely. we don’t have to fight, okay? let’s do this like civilised people :)

it’s known that leeteuk and heechul have acknowledged that fans would rather hear about dating/marriage news from the members themselves rather than through articles and rumours. this of course makes sense, idols who have “asked for their fans’ blessing” have seen a much better response from their fans than those who got “exposed” by dispatch/sasaengs/whatever. sure, this isn’t a blanket generalisation, but you kinda get it right? i wouldn’t want malicious rumours about someone i like getting involved with someone else, not because i am “possessive”, but because i think the relationship between an idol and their fans can be trusted so that you know, we can celebrate together and stuff.

there are also other rumours about the ‘controversy’ surrounding his marriage, but they were mostly cleared through an article on naver. you can find it here. it should be pretty accurate, because sungmin posted a link to it on his instagram as an instagram post.

here’s something that i don’t know if it’s been cleared ; sungmin allegedly changed his signature by replacing the star he normally uses with ‘Mi’, which is a nickname for saeun (his wife). this part is really a little bit weird. i don’t think he should have done that, considering how the fan who requested for the autograph has a name that doesn’t resemble ‘Mi’ in any way or form. you can find the original post on pann here. look at it this way, you travelled all the way out and did x number of things and basically worked hard so you could meet someone you liked, and the person gave you gift, that was actually a secret message for someone else. that’s just... not right. again, anything regarding sungmin and the controversy has been grossly warped by people to the point where it is difficult to check if anything is right/wrong. correct me if you want.

something else; sungmin’s apology letter was released ahead of his army discharge. he handwrote it and apologised for hurting fans by getting married before his enlistment. i think he missed the point. fans aren’t stupid. korean fans aren’t stupid. i believe the ones who are possessive and think they own him is a minority. but i think it’s understandable that these fans felt angered by how he handled it. he didn’t apologise for the signature and he didn’t apologise for ’sharing’ his fan gifts with his wife.

this is a difficult post to make and this part is the worst bit of it, because i’m going to share about why i felt uneasy about his marriage. i’m not saying i’m against it. i’m just. i don’t really know, i had really bad feeling about this when the news first came out. disclaimer: i do not pretend to speak for fans or for anyone at this point, this is just my personal opinion and maybe you disagree with it and that’s okay. this is how i felt about it in 2014-5 and it was a long time ago. with age comes wisdom LOL and honestly i don’t feel anything when i think about it now.

i felt uneasy when the news broke out because of the timing of it. the timing was, quite frankly, quite terrible. there are some issues that made it worse that sungmin himself couldn’t control, but i don’t think it would have hurt to think it through a little more before releasing the news.

sungmin confirmed he was getting married in between super shows. i don’t know what kind of impression that gives you, but i’ll be frank: it gives me the impression that he’s acting more individualistic and not putting his group activities as a priority in his life.

for international fans, this could seem like a shock to you. of course he should put his personal life first, he’s in love! he’s finally found someone he likes enough to get married, and we should support him because we want him to find happiness. that’s an opinion, and you’re entitled to it. but what we’re looking at is the confucian principles of community and society that are upheld by most of the korean community. this is a culture that mandates military enlistment laws for all males (with very few exceptions). so really, through their perspective, the outrage could be perhaps more understood. it is also important to know that when the news first broke, the general opinion ranged from congratulatory messages (that hoped for a better public opinion of idols getting married/falling in love), to speculations if it was a shotgun marriage and if saeun was pregnant. consider that sungmin had not enlisted in the military at this point. for korean men, entering the military is a rite of passage into “manhood”. it was already bad enough for idols themselves to still enlist, and fans were already dreading his enlistment. to suddenly spring the news of marriage on them? it made the timing of the whole thing even worse. what’s worse is that the fandom was trying to support them, but sungmin antis and even some of sungmin’s sasaeng’s gave false reports about the whole situation (see: rumous about the wedding, etc.).

something to understand in korean netizen culture is that they literally live in a culture where paparazzi are so normalised and entertainment journalism literally puts out close to fifty new reports, news, and scandals out every day. on top of that, korea is notorious for their efficient, workaholic cultures that spares no time for research. imagine being bombarded with news about sungmin’s ‘misdeeds’ every week and every month. obviously your impression of him worsens. then he goes to enlist in the army, effectively disappearing, not making a statement until he nearly discharges, then going back to promote himself as per usual. you only have ten minutes a day, maximum, to see the news. you don’t have time to check for yourself on the internet what is happening. if you’re a fan, you go on twitter to check with the big fansites what is happening, and then you see that they are all quarrelling between themselves about writing petition letters. every single thing sungmin does gets uploaded as ‘breaking news’, paparazzi zoom in onto the other sujus’ “apologies” and “opinions” regarding their fellow member, and public opinion builds the impression that sungmin just doesn’t give a shit about his group. and remember! he’s literally getting married and having a honeymoon in between concerts, when the rest of the members are practising/rehearsing/working hard on TV to get more acknowledgement. gosh, sungmin really is throwing his group under the bus all for love...

that’s a thought process i went through. i can hardly emphasise more about how this shit isn’t about me getting pressed and possessive about how he’s my oppa and he shouldn’t get married because i’m going to marry him one day. it’s not! it’s about me loving suju to the point where sungmin seems like he’s just going off on his own without caring about the group image. quite frankly if any of the sujus reveal tomorrow that they are dating someone, my response would be something like: “oh thank God!”, and if next year they say something like “y’all, we’re gonna get married”, then i would be like: “FINALLY!” because the sujus deserve nothing but happiness and i just want them to be happy after all the shit they’ve been through. [of course sungmin deserves happiness too. everyone does.]

i started rambling but... i just want to say that i really wish sungmin eased us more into it. the whole thing was aggravated because of how saeun handled it on TV also. sungmin enlisting right after was a good move, considering the damage already done. it would have given the whole thing to die down a bit, for fans to think things a little bit more through while sungmin basically removed himself from society for a bit. but while he was gone, saeun said some shit about how sungmin is really touchy and good with skinship, how sungmin drank 9 bottles of soju just to get the courage to ask her father for his blessing, and so on. that’s not right sis. why would you keep making headlines about your man when you should just lie low and wait for the hatred to pass... she then went on to like really controversial pictures, like the one where someone is slapping someone else. the slapper is labelled “international ELFs” while the one being slapped is labelled”K-ELFs”... that shit just ain’t cool bruv... obviously this started another internal fanwar, and i’m pretty sure a lot of ELFs have bad impressions of her. idk i feel like the sudden attention went to her head or something... why would you talk about alcohol... gosh...

anyway i don’t hate her or anything and i’m happy that she brings our boi happiness but i just don’t have a good impression of her... maybe she’s a really nice person IRL but you know, she’s a celebrity and we’ll never meet so i won’t pass judgement on her.

that’s... kinda it i guess? congrats if you made it all the way to the end. i just wanna rehash the point about sungmin returning to super junior. i think he should. he’s been away for long enough and i think that’s enough ‘punishment’, but i do think it would make it easier for the public to try and accept him again if the both of them just admit to what they did wrong in the past and apologise and then just move on. that shit is old as heck, i think. there’s what i think happened. lmk if i made a mistake or missed something, i wrote like 60% of this post thinking back to that time period and considering how, uh, i don’t live in korea, there might have been something i missed. the other 40% is stuff i searched online to double check, but you know. take everything that isn’t an article with a bucket of salt. lord knows how messed up everything is after those sungmin antis started spreading rumours and stuff.

if you need a clarification about something said above, you can send me a (nice) ask and i’ll answer!

one last thing, i’m not saying what the sungmin antis did to sungmin (with regards to trying to kick him out of suju, threatening his wife, etc.) is justified by whatever i said above. i’m just saying it makes it a little bit more understandable. but it doesn’t make them entitled to such actions and i 100% believe that their actions are unjustified.

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jamaisjoons · 4 years

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(1/7) I'm sorry this is going to be super long, so if you actually answer this I'll be so thankful lol... idk how much experience you have in relationships and sexuality and whatnot but I just really need to ask someone about this and you seem super friendly and nice so I wanted to ask you, and if anyone else reading this ask wants to give me advice I'd love and appreciate that as well - I'll keep an eye on the comments 💜 So I've been in a relationship for over 5 years now. I want to preface

this ask is incredibly long and if therefore the rest, along with my response, is under the read more!

(2/7) this with saying that I'm not unhappy with my relationship overall. And I honestly do prioritize emotional connection over physical, but this is something that's been on my mind recently, especially since I started getting into reading fanfics and learning more about how diverse and explorative someone can be with sexuality. My current boyfriend was my first serious relationship so I never experienced anyone else sexually. And I know stories romanticize, dramatize, and exaggerate things

(3/7) so I don't expect that I should be able to experience my sex life exactly as its portrayed in the fictions I read. I've been generally content with my sex life with my boyfriend, while maybe not fully satisfied but content. But lately its been bothering me. I've always had a higher drive than him so I don't mind needing to... take care of myself most days and just have sex whenever he's up for it. (Although he gets whiny if I'm not up for it the day he is, which I guess is partly fair

(4/7) since there's only like 2 days a month I'm not horny lol). And I do tend to take quite a bit longer to uh... well, cum, than he does as well so I've never really taken any offense to him not trying super hard to get me there. Lately it has been bothering me though... he does give effort to it most of the time but gives up because he has trouble getting the right spots and/or it takes a long time (and yeah I chalk that up to female anatomy being more complicated than male so while it is

(5/7) disappointing, I excuse it because of that) But it bothers me because I feel like I try to push myself more to figure out what he likes and try different things out of my comfort zone more than he does for me. (i.e. I've recently started trying to get used to anal even though so far its painful and I haven't found pleasure in it yet because it's something he's always wanted to do). He also loves blow jobs and always wants one - kind of expects it and gets disappointed if I tell him I don't

(6/7) want to that day and sometimes (most of the time) tries to push it, even though I don't push him if he doesn't want to go down on me. I've more or less given up on trying to cum when we have sex, just kind of settled on enjoying it for a while and helping him and then finishing myself off after. I'll sometimes ask him to help afterwards, and he'll help with some stimulation like nipple play and stuff for a bit, but if he's already gotten his release I feel like he treats it like a chore.

(7/7) It's just been bothering me more and more lately. I'm worried about talking to him about it because idk if I'm just being needy or if he'll be offended or upset. And I don't really know how to fix it anyway so idk how to bring it up or any solutions to offer but since its been bothering me more I don't want to just leave it as it is. Do you have any advice for me? Also I'm SO SORRY for the novel and going probably too detailed into my sex life... I hope this wasn't bothersome or annoying!

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i’m gonna preface this with im not a professional and any advice i give is based on my own feelings and thoughts and based on experiences of my own and they won’t be the same as yours! please take caution reading/heeding any of my advice because really i’m not any different to you and i have no real qualifications for giving out sexual advice.

so honestly speaking, i have a fear of commitment and trust issues and as a result i don’t very often partake in committed relationships (i’ve been willingly and happily single for YEARS) - and my previous ones weren’t all that good either (my last two ended with cheating rip). but i’m happy to help in any way possible and it means a lot that you feel like you can speak to me about this!

Okay so, my first point is that sex is honestly diverse and yes its always mindblowing in fics, but in reality its not always the case. sometimes sex is bland, sometimes its really good, and sometimes you don’t really enjoy yourself (not in a bad or nonconsensual way, but more it doesn’t leave you as fulfilled as it could and it just feels,,,, meh for a lack of better word for it). that being said, considering you’ve been in a relationship for a long time and it’s your first and (i assume only? sexual partner) i can potentially see why its just been a case of contentment and not real fulfilment - especially, since it seems you haven’t really been communicating and taking each other’s feelings into consideration? well him more so than you.

Side point, he really shouldn’t be whining if you don’t want to have sex but as long as he’s not pressuring you into anything its fine - people tend to whine (i know i do sometimes too)

Okay so in terms of cumming, not everyone takes the same amount of time to cum. some really need lots of stimulation and stuff in order to really cum and others cum really quickly. its an individual thing - but you definitely seem like the former. That being said, just because you take longer to cum and the female anatomy is more complex (really its not t H A T hard) doesn’t mean he should give up - you work hard for him to make him cum and he should do the same for you. especially since you’ve been together for so long.

A lot of this seems that you’re actively trying more than he is (you’re not obligated to give him oral, especially if he doesn’t reciprocate and he definitely shouldn’t push it). In terms of anal, the human body is different from person to person and not everyone is wired the same. just because someone else enjoys anal doesn’t mean you will, and if it’s painful and you’re not enjoying it, perhaps it’s best to tell him to stop because you get nothing out of it. if he loves you, he’ll make the sacrifice even if he enjoys it (like you’ve been doing for him this entire time). If he’s cummed and he’s not actively wanting to make you cum - you need to call him out on it because it's not fair for him to orgasm and for you to work for it yourself. it’s downright selfish and bad sexual practices and more than anything its not okay and its not a healthy sex life.

I think my best advice right now is to actually talk and communicate with him. A good, healthy sexual relationship that satisfies both parties, can only and will only ever be possible through open communication. you’ve been together five years and you’ve said you’re happy with your relationship overall - which means that you’ve known each other long enough to openly communicate with each other about your likes/dislikes/things you want to try/how they can help. Thats the blanket one, but here are some things you can talk to him about:

In terms of making you cum - you know your body better than anyone else, so perhaps showing him what places are your erogenous zones may be an effective way. If you feel comfortable, sit in front of him and masturbate - show him what gets you off. Sometimes even have him participate - direct his hands to where you want him, tell him when something feels good, when something doesn’t feel so good. but communicate

Tell him that you always try for him and it’s upsetting and makes you feel unsatisfied when he doesn’t put in the same enthusiasm. in sexual relationships, there is compromise and sometimes you do things you don’t necessarily enjoy just as an act of love and care (one of my irls hated giving her boyfriend blowjobs but she used to do it because he enjoyed them and that's okay because she was willing to do it out of love. there were also things he compromised for her like how he never enjoyed wearing condoms because it didn’t feel as good but she didn’t want to go on birth control so he accepted it). There are clearly things you are willing to compromise on (anal) and so he should be doing the same for you

You’re both different people and have different sexual interests and what feels good for you. You should both put in effort to explore these together. Have an actual conversation with him - and if he doesn’t take your feelings, if he starts getting upset or offended, then that speaks more for him. but if he loves you, if he’s a good partner and boyfriend, he will actively listen to you and your feelings and try and understand them. without communication sex and relationships are nothing and you cannot be afraid to speak to him or not speak to him for fear of him reacting negatively.

also if he does reactively, maybe it’s worth considering if this relationship is worth going on with. sometimes people stay with each other because it’s all they know, because they’ve been together for a long time and they fear starting fresh. but that is not healthy. if something isn’t working, no matter how much time and effort you’ve put into it, it’s not worth staying and being unhappy and the best thing you can do is gather the courage to get up, leave and move on and find happiness somewhere else.

i think ? i’ve got most of my points across, but if there’s anything you need clarification on, please do feel free to message me again! but please remember my earlier disclaimer: i am in no way shape or form a professional and i have no qualifications in order to give you advice. these are just my thoughts/opinions/how i see things!!

anyway, i hope this helped! i’m so sorry it took so long to get back to you!

#solar feral asks #solar sex ed #asks #the nameless

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comebackseasonisamess · 5 years

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The Fact (In All It’s Glory)

Hansol/Vernon | angst

Word Count: 3.5k

Warnings: Descriptions of self-loathing, worthlessness

Summary: Follow up of Before The Fact. (You can read this without having read the other fic) Just as quickly as you got together, you and Hansol split apart. And apparently it affects both of you equally as much…

A/N: I do mention some IRL names and labels in this fic. I would like to say that this fic in no means reflects reality, and is a figment of my imagination sprinkled with a bit of my opinions in it. Also it’s so incredibly hard to find some angsty!Hansol gifs out there…

While I’m posting this, I am so sorry if (on mobile specifically) there’s just a long text blurb I’ve been trying to fix it but it isn’t working and I am so sorry just skip over this if you’re uninterested

It’s with a heavy heart that you tell Hansol that it’s over. His eyes well up with tears, and his breathing becomes heavy. He grips at your shirt, begging you to tell him what he did wrong and how he can fix it.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” You utter the most cliched phrase in the history of breakups. Because it’s true. If it weren’t for your inability to ignore what people say about you, the you they didn’t know and theorized about behind lit-up screens, of your relationship with Hansol, the two of you would still be together.

Hansol’s crouched on the ground, trying to stop himself from crying in the middle of the park where you had your second date, where he had kissed you for the first time after you slipped on an ice patch and fell flat on your ass.

You reach a hand out, as if to comfort him, but pause halfway through the action and pull your hand back to your body as quickly as if you were burned. You’re not sure if you should say anything else to him. “I just - I -” you start. “I can’t explain why,” you finish quietly. You swallow, and lower your gaze.

He looks up at you, sorrow deep in his eyes. “Just go,” he whispers with the broken beginnings of sobbing.

You turn on your heel, walking away normally at first, then quicker. You bring your palms up to your eyes, wiping away the tears trickling from them. You almost manage to hold it all in through the bus ride back home, head down and hands clasped, until a few droplets leave your eyes, and some kind stranger passes you a tissue. When you finally open the door to the apartment you’ve been sharing with Hansol for the past several months, you break down.

Tears running down your face, heartbreak strong enough to make you forget how to breathe, you lean against the door of your apartment, cuddling Hansol’s hoodie. You cry through the night, stopping briefly for ten minutes a time, before sobbing some more.

The next morning, skin and lips dried up, eyes sore, throat thick with mucus and tongue heavy in your mouth, you finally stop. There are no more tears you can cry. You’ve cried through the night, maybe getting two hours of sleep in total. You pick yourself off the floor on unsteady feet, fighting to get yourself to the kitchen where you can splash water in your face and rehydrate yourself.

After trying to pull yourself together in your kitchen, you collapse onto your bed, and the cycle repeats itself for the next four days.

On the fourth day, Hansol sends his manager to pick up his things. His manager goes from room to room, picking up his clothes and his toiletries and his most prized possessions, but you manage to hide the hoodie. The hoodie that you stole from him in those first budding weeks of your relationship and never gave back. The hoodie that you drenched in your tears.

Hansol’s manager glares at you on the way out, two rolling bags trailing behind him and a carry on strapped over his shoulders. You flinch under his gaze.

And then you get the first message, from Seungkwan.

How could you do this to him? He’s been nothing but good to you.

You don’t respond.

Twenty minutes later, he texts again.

Couldn’t you just be grateful for him? You’ve completely shattered his heart.

You, once more, don’t respond. By this point, you’ve sank your body into an overflowing bathtub, trying to drown your sorrows in Lush perfumed water.

When you get out, the messages have quintupled.

Seungkwan: I hope you’re proud of yourself.

He hasn’t stopped crying.

Joshua: I don’t know why you did it

You better have a better reason than “it’s not you, it’s me.”

He hasn’t got out of bed

We have to force him into a shower

To feed him

He’s legit gonna die and it’ll be your fault

Chan: In the park?? Really??? Pardon my French, but how much more of a bitch can you get?

Wonwoo: I know I should be supporting Hansol, but you’re also my friend.

Are you ok?

You look through the messages, considering whether you should answer them. You decide to go to bed, not wanting to deal with the rising pool of anxiety in your stomach.

You have a sleepless night, thinking about the message Wonwoo sent you. You want to call him and tell him that no, you aren’t ok, and you don’t think you’ll ever be ok, especially without Hansol by your side.

Calling : My Soulmate

“The person you are trying to reach is unavailable at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep.”

You hang up.

You decide that staying in your apartment all day will do you no good.

You get up and make breakfast for once. A glass of orange juice, half a cup of coffee and some toast with butter. You get into the shower, wash off your body and your hair for the first time since you broke up with Hansol. You put on jeans and a starched shirt, good, sensible clothes that can’t become PJs, and you step out of the door.

You’re not sure what you’re going to do. Maybe the movies? You heard that the newest Marvel movie just came out. Or maybe you should go to the quiet little bookshop hidden in the alleyway seven blocks down from your apartment? The only issue is that those are all places you shared with Hansol, and you don’t want to be anywhere near them. You don’t want to deal with all the nostalgia that comes with the area.

You make your decision in the elevator ride down your complex. Your fridge is empty, so you’ll go grocery shopping. Hansol never went grocery shopping with you, he was normally too busy working.

So you make your way to the cornerstore that’s been owned by the same couple for the last twenty years (you would know, you once struck up a conversation with them over proprietorship.) You scan through the close aisles for the things you absolutely need, but you know you’ll have to hop on the bus and go to one of the bigger grocery stores to get the remaining groceries.

When you step outside, it’s started raining. It seems the heavens themselves don’t believe in the lies you tell yourself to keep on going. It’s also at that moment that Wonwoo calls you back. You answer it, stepping under the awning above the store.

“… Hey.”

“Oh thank God, finally. I thought I’d never reach you, I’ve called you at least twelve times.”

“I didn’t hear my phone ring, sorry.”

“Are you ok?”

“Can I be honest?” you say bluntly.

“Shoot.”

“I’m not. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, it was only this morning that I got myself out of bed and washed my hair, I haven’t talked to anyone, I feel like shit, and opening my phone and seeing all of the texts roll in isn’t helping.” You pause. “I… Just wanna talk to someone.”

“Well then talk. I’ll always listen to you.”

You don’t know how to formulate what comes next. Where do you start with your journey of self-hatred and resentment? How do you explain that because you can’t be happy about yourself, you could never make Hansol happy? “You know how when me and Hansol started dating, you guys weren’t huge fans?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, I guess I took that to heart. And with all the comments online, of all the fans who are angry that he’s no longer fully theirs, I couldn’t do it. I felt like I was living a lie. Who am I to decide that I am good enough for Hansol? The last relationship I had lasted two months before he broke up with me because I was too boring. Too clingy and too childlike. I felt worthless. But when I met Hansol, something clicked inside me. I had the courage to ask him out, even though I thought I was worthless. I thought to myself after that date: Here’s someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. Here’s someone who brings me limitless joy, who makes me laugh so hard that I cry. And then to know that the people closest to him didn’t support our relationship? That crushed me. I mean, I understand why, long-distance relationship with an idol and all, but it was so disappointing. Yet still, I could have dealt with that. Put on my big girl pants, so to speak, and pretended like I was fine. The straw that broke the camel’s back were the fans. How could they say such awful things about me? It wasn’t even confirmed! All because he spent more time out of Korea than in it! It was an internet theory that was going around, and somehow people still could write ‘she’s just an ugly bitch’ or ‘she probably pays him’ or ‘must be a slut.’ And some comments even asked for Hansol’s removal from the group! I just couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t. I’m just- I’m so tired, Wonwoo.”

“Sweetie… I don’t know what to say. I wish I was there to hug you.”

“I’m not even angry. I’m just sad. So sad and tired. I’ve spent the last five days crying because I miss him so much. He really felt like my one and only, Wonwoo. I just -” At this point, your voice broke and silent tears started to make their way down your face. “I miss him so much, Wonwoo. But I can’t go back to him. I can’t go back, when I can’t even promise him that I’ll be ok. That I’m ok. That he can take care of me and expect me to do the same in return to him. How can I when I can’t even take care of myself? It’s not fair on him, Wonwoo.” You sniffle.

“I simultaneously want to shake out your stupidity, because Hansol doesn’t give a shit about any of that, and hug you and tell you you’re worth everything.” You hear him sigh over the line. You imagine he’s pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m seriously considering boarding a flight to Chicago to be with you.”

Your heart sinks. “No! Please don’t! I don’t want to be more of a bother… People are actually gonna have a problem with me if you’re not present with the group… You guys have an album out in, like, a month? You can’t, Wonwoo. Just stay in Korea. I’ll be ok.” With that, you cut off his chances of dissuading you and hang up. You walk through the rain to your apartment, and ignore all of the calls and texts he sends you.

Within the month, the newest Seventeen song is out. The promotion’s going well, but the fans can tell something’s up. Hansol isn’t smiling as much, he seems so out of it (you would know, you’d been keeping up with their content, torturing yourself with the only way you can see his face.) On top of that, he avoids Wonwoo as much as he can (which is no easy feat, considering they’re in the same subunit.) And then the netizens broke out, slinging allegations upon allegations. Some say the company wasn’t doing a good job making sure everyone was rested, others wonder if something was up with his family. As for Hansol and Wonwoo’s relationship, they chalk it up to some brotherly disagreement, until the worst possible thing happens: pictures of you and Hansol together begin circulating, courtesy of a certain media outlet rhyming with “latch”.

Nothing too scandalous, but between the hand holding and the loving gaze captured in Hansol’s eyes, everyone can tell that you’re the person responsible for his change of personality, his heartbreak. And with your face very visible, netizens do some quick, terrifying recon work, find your Instagram page, and bombard you with hate. It’s the scariest thing to happen to you in a while, and you end up deleting your account completely, and shutting off your phone. Words like “whore” and “slut” and “two timing bitch” are thrown around like petty insults. One comment really stood out to you: “I should’ve known, you slut. You slept with Hansol-oppa, then with Wonwoo-oppa, and broke both their hearts! You should just go kill yourself now.”

You even consider changing your number, because somehow some of them managed to get ahold of that too, and have taken to calling you at all hours of the day to harass you.

Pledis sends you a spokesperson within two days of the news getting out: their plan is simple: say that you and Hansol were nothing but close friends, that nothing romantic had ever happened. Hopefully the netizens will be appeased enough to stop harassing you, and to stop their boycott of the comeback.

And so here you are, standing in Korea, outside the Pledis building, faced with flashing camera lights and dozens of mics pointed in your face, reporters screaming inches away from your nose, asking you if “it’s true” and Dispatch demanding that they interview you, taking pride in making an already shitty experience for you into an even worse one. In the Korean fed to you by the PR manager before this interview (or as you like to think of it, this interrogation), you tell the crowd that your relationship with Hansol had been purely platonic before turning around and entering the building, ignoring all cries for more detail and the barrage of flashes and bodies behind you.

There, you are ushered to the CEO’s office, up several levels and encased in glass which is promptly darkened upon your arrival. The CEO sits you down and folds his hands, reclining back in his black office chair with a forced, professional smile on his face.

“You’re a bit of a troublemaker, aren’t you?” he asks.

You smile uncomfortably back to him, before looking down into your lap, mouth turning down into a neutral line.

“Well, I’ll get straight to the point. I don’t want to see a repeat of Cube’s accident last year, nor do I want to kick Hansol out of the group. Dating was always an option put on the table for these idols, however the one condition was that it be kept under the rug. Out of the media’s eyes.” He stares at you the entire time he gives his speech, before handing you a document.

You look down at it. A non disclosure agreement.

“For your silence,” he says, smile not leaving his face. His point is made clear: Don’t tell anyone about your and Hansol’s relationship.

You slide the document in front of him. “I can promise you, I won’t breathe a word of this. I don’t need to sign a document to keep my mouth shut. This experience is awful enough that I wouldn’t want to publicize it. I can also assure you that I would never wish any sort of consequence on Hansol. I think you forget that I love him.”

“Loved him, you mean. I’ve heard everything from him.” The CEO motions towards the door with his hand. “Then if this conversation is over…”

You smile stiffly, then make an odd head-nod-bow. You reach the door, open it, and there sits Hansol in the waiting room near the CEO’s personal assistant.

Your world stops. There’s the man who you have an infinite amount of regrets over, the man who will forever hold the key to your heart and the hearth for your soul, the man who you’ve sobbed about into your pillow when the moon is high and the streets are dead. There he is, slouched in his chair, eyes blackened and reddened by sleepless nights spent crying, hair ruffled by anxious hands and clothes looking like they haven’t been changed in weeks, which is most likely true.

He looks up disheartenedly when the door opens, and sees you. At first, there’s a glimmer of something in his eyes, maybe hope or even love. But then the facade breaks, as if he remembers what you did to him, what you’re making him feel, and nothing but pain and heartbreak and a little bit of anger remains. He turns away, putting his back towards you, which in Hansol language, (a language you are essentially fluent in) means “Fuck off.”

You feel your heart drop into your already sinking stomach, and your hands start to shake as you rush out the door, not even pausing to say goodbye to the personal assistant, who was nothing but kind and accommodating to you. You want to leave this building, this country, and fly back to the safety of your home.

The journey from Pledis to your hotel is a blur, a part of your memory lost and never returned. You collapse onto your bed upon arrival, the one good thing about this trip is that you have an expensive hotel room with all the good stuff: wine, a fully functioning and free TV, a jacuzzi style tub, and a shower that could fit a ping-pong table inside of it. For the next three days, you’re holing yourself up in this bedroom and going through all of these luxuries in detail. Hopefully they’ll make you forget about the entire situation…

You make good of your promise. You soak in the bath while catching up on a show you’ve procrastinated on, then put on the provided bathrobe and flip through the channels while sitting on the soft mattress of the bed, trying to find something worthwhile, before something catches your attention.

It’s a channel in real time, filming a certain love of yours as he addresses the public.

“That girl and I, we are nothing but friends,” he commences. “We met a couple years ago, and kept in contact. I can assure you that nothing is going on between me and her, nothing ever will happen between the two of us, and I am by no means unhappy or less committed towards my job.” He keeps his message short and sweet and simple, then walks back into the building.

You feel the same way you did when you saw him earlier today. You want to curl up in a ball and cry once more, you want so desperately to be away from here, where everything and nothing remind you of him and his dreams of grandiose and prestige.

Suddenly, your phone rings. You turned it back on after landing in Korea, deciding that staying in contact with family and friends back home is worth the landslide of hateful texts and messages. You glance at the ID: It’s Wonwoo.

“…. Hey,” you say, answering the call. You lay on your back, feet hanging off the edge of the bed while you rub your eyes.

“Do you want to meet up with me? Maybe by the Han river?” he replies.

You decide it would be better to see someone than be alone at the moment. “Sure. I’ll text you when I’m near.”

“Ok, see you then.” Wonwoo hangs up.

You hover close to the water’s edge, your phone open to the conversation with Wonwoo. You’d sent him a message a couple minutes ago, and he had told you to wait for him.

“Boo!” He pops up behind you, poking you gently in the back.

You let out a scream of surprise, before turning around while clutching your chest. “You dick!”

You calm down, before pulling him into a hug. “I’ve missed you so much.”

He holds the bag filled with snacks away from his body, giving you a one armed hug back. “I missed you too. Let’s sit down over there.” He gestures towards a bench overlooking the river.

You move towards the bench, before sitting down heavily on the seat. Wonwoo slides in next to you.

He pulls out some drinks from the bag, giving you the one you prefer before breaking the seal on his. “How are you?” he tries to ease the awkward vibe surrounding the two of you.

“Can I be honest?” A parallel to the earlier conversation you had over the phone.

He nods.

“Terrible. Seeing Hansol did no good.”

“Is it rude if I say that I expected that?”

You let out a faint smile. “No.” You turn your gaze to the river, looking at the people kayaking and sailing, floundering around in the water. You can sense Wonwoo turning to look at you.

“I miss him. I really do.” You rest your head on his shoulder.

He wraps an arm around you, pressing his cheek into your hair. “It’ll be ok. Everything will work out in the end.”

A moment of silence passes, before he says: “I can finally give you that hug I promised you.”

You smile, eyes closed in solace. “Yeah.”

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gliitch-effect · 4 years

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Therapy journaling prompt because who am I if I’m not posting personal stuff on the internet right? This is for my therapist so I’m leaving out a lot of context cuz she already knows

[[MORE]]

The short answer would be “sort of?” The long answer...as a very young child I felt loved, yes. But maybe not understood. I hardly voiced my feelings because I couldn’t (physically, literally.) but when I did, I feel my mom at least took the time to comfort me, to explain things. Most times. Other times I learned from her reactions that I should just be quiet. When I complained of a sore stomach or a new injury she would sigh and say my name as if I created this problem, and I was saying it only to make life difficult for her and she had to spend money o a doctor. So I stopped complaining of health issues until they were unavoidable.

When I complained about my nightmares she let me sleep in her bed but told me to go back to sleep, no hugs or back rubs. Eventually things got so chaotic in the house with him I didn’t know how to cope. I held it in. I didn’t say anything about how it made me feel because I was too busy comforting her when SHE cried, when SHE threw tantrums and wrecked the things he got her. I was never asked how I felt about it, just apologized to. And what do you say to that? What do you say to “I’m sorry you had to see him hit me again”? I didn’t say anything.

At one point I do remember however heavily disagreeing on a punishment. I was called back in and grounded for running out into the road get my ball, even if I looked both ways and there were no cars in the culdesac. I’m bad at explaining but in this situation the ball had already gone over, I was just running across to the other sidewalk, and the culdesac had a little island in the middle and that island is what I was running to. I wanna say I was around 8 or 9 then. Now most times I knew I did something wrong and didn’t complain when I was punished, but in this case I really didn’t feel like I understood this. To me, why wouldn’t you run? Do you want me to stand there and get hit by the hypothetical car? No, you’d want me to obviously look both ways first and then if I heard a car while I was already in the road, QUICKLY get to safety. Yknow. Before it hit me? I didn’t understand why someone would slowly walk in a road much less stand in it. I spoke up. This surprised them. I told them that they weren’t listening to me and I felt my feelings didn’t matter because I’m the child. They wrote and signed a contract that said “we will never punish you for your feelings.” I used this contract several times when they did in fact attempt to punish me exactly for my feelings. Another thing that she did and still does is try and one-up me when I do vent about my life issues and what I’ve been through. That sucks. Don’t really want to talk about that more, it just sucks.

For the next part, I wasn’t quite an adult yet but around 17 I decided I’d come out as non-binary to my mom and ask that she refer to me by my pronouns when we were out and about. She took this very badly. Told me she’d never do that, that this was just a phase, and yknow the whole “but you’re my little [sex at birth]! You’ll always be that to me!” She even called it robotic and fake. After all the time it took building courage to do that, years of confusion and finally building the resolve, it hurt. I know my mom though and it isn’t worth it to push the issue, so I haven’t. But I never forgot the hurt.

Because of my mom’s reactions to my emotions and how it’s basically walking on eggshells trying not to depress her and have her make it about herself or something, I’m both desperate to share my feelings and also terrified to. I say things online so it’s less personal. I have no idea who reads this or if they care (except 2 mutuals who I know for sure read my stuff, thanks) but irl? Mmm. Depends. I try not to say anything that could potentially make someone upset. I am hyper aware of how my words sound, I avoid harsh words if I’m not 100% positive they’ll be received well or I can explain myself. I do not want to impose on anyone so I don’t ask for things. I dont want to be treated like I complain too much so I try not to complain, to the point where I’m almost fake positive about things sometimes. My relationship with my emotions is like..having a rabid animal on a leash and constantly worrying the leash will snap and I won’t be able to control them for a moment. Not because I’m afraid it’ll hurt me, but because I’m afraid other people will be angry or disgusted with me. Almost every single time I’ve stood up for myself or disagreed in my life I’ve been called “bitch” “mean” “insufferable” “bad” “a handful” “annoying”. So, I’ll just be quiet until I can find the words that will work. Every person I talk to is a new puzzle, I must figure out how not to anger every person I know.

#stuff for therapy

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serenagaywaterford · 5 years

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Hello, I really don’t know who to talk to but I’m realizing I’m a lesbian after identifying as bisexual since 2016, I came out to my parents and they’re both supportive and happy for me. I’m a highschooler and it’s awkward being gay and no one knowing as ppl tease me to date my guy friends. Any tips or advice in general on being a lesbian? It’s still so weird to talk about but I wanna grow to be very open with my sexuality

Been there. (I used to insist I was straight (for YEAAAAARS I was with the same guy), then bisexual cos I thought I had to be since I was “straight” and not particularly conflicted about it for so long. So it’s a process and a journey getting here no matter what, and everyone takes different routes.) And I’ll be honest, you’re way ahead of the game already. Good for you and you should be proud and happy with yourself for being so self-aware and in touch with yourself. That takes a lot of insight and courage.

I think generally… people will say a lot of things but until you are comfortable being around your friends and family as yourself, it’s never going to be easy. It’s not easy when you’re out either but at least you’re not stuck hiding who you are and adding that level of tension to every interaction. To be honest, I was never particularly comfortable with myself. Not even when I got married to another woman. (My issues with the institution of marriage aside…) But in my job I basically am forced to come out daily to complete strangers, constantly, with the words “my wife”. It gets way, way easier and I’m lucky enough to be in a place and a position that affords me that freedom. Not everyone is.

Are the people teasing you your friends? I mean, high school fucking sucks. I don’t even care how people want to romanticise it after the fact, or in media, or whatever. Even the best experiences are littered with a bunch of drama. We’re all idiots in high school and we all treat our friends like shit half the time, even our best friends. I didn’t have a bad time in high school. In fact, I’d say it was pretty good overall. (I wouldn’t do it again, mind you.) But still, the shit you put up with from friends is just excessive, and also the shit you give friends–or at least the shit I gave my friends lol. It’s just so… ugh.

So, I mean, without knowing much more about the situation, I would confide in my good friends. Unless, for some reason that endangers you in some way. And yes, unlike some hardcore people, I do think social ostracization in high school is damaging. I don’t buy into the whole “Well, if they don’t like it fuck them, all you need is you!” cos that’s bullshit. You DO need friends in high school, even if they’re not perfect friends, even if you won’t stay friends with them in a few years. Having social support is incredibly important and to be alienated completely is lonely and leaves you vulnerable, and you miss out on stuff too. I mean, if your friends are complete total assholes, then by all means, drop them cos that won’t help and you may be better off alone, but if they’re only sort of annoying, well… That’s life, lol. Until you get out of the fishbowl of high school and people being to calm the fuck down about every tiny drama, there aren’t a lot of options. I found my best friends annoying af sometimes, and some of them had views on certain subjects that fucking pissed me off. But hey, at the end of the day, we still got along and had a bond, and worst came to worst almost all of them would be there for me, and me for them, despite some differences.

Are those the type of friends you have? Or do you think your friends would turn on you if you confided in them?

It’s so lonely to hold onto a secret like that, and constantly put up with what I’m sure they think is harmless teasing about boys. It can hurt you, and god, it’s fucking irritating on top of everything else. And, I hate to say this, but that sort of thing NEVER ENDS. It gets less and less, but I’m literally married to a woman for like 2 years now and a dude friend of ours just last week asked us if maybe we both just hadn’t found the right men yet. And on the subject of sex, he said, “Well, how do you know if you haven’t tried it?” to my wife. Interestingly, she is not a gold star and knows very well what hetsex is like (she fucking HATES it on every imaginable level), but she’s just never volunteered that information for public consumption. Still, as you can see, you’ll always have stupid imbecile friends who say stupid ass comphet shit to your face, even when you are blatantly a lesbian. Unfortunately, it one of those things you just have to… learn to deal with. I hate that we must.

I know that’s not exactly helpful or hopeful, but it’s reality. So these dumb friends of yours, maybe they’re not doing it to be hurtful or annoying, they just genuinely think you like boys. There’s only really one solution to get them to stop (and even that isn’t going to be a guarantee) and that’s to come out to them–only if you can. Tell them how it makes you feel. Share with them what you’ve said to me. It’s hard enough to exist as a lesbian right now, let alone having to hide and be shamed for it. Friends should get that. But all of them may not…

I had one friend who was super open with her “sexuality” (she’s an attention whore, lbr.) who, when I told her finally that I think I wanted a girlfriend, she was super supportive. Then when the group of them were going to a gay club, I said I’ll tag along and she told me no. And her exact words: “You look too straight. Nobody will talk to you and I don’t want people to think I’m straight too.” (SHE IS STRAIGHT, just for the record. But she likes to steal girls’ boyfriends by doing threesomes, pretending to be into girls, threesomes, and poly, and then manipulating the boys into dumping their gfs. She also likes to breakup girlfriends just to prove she can. She has NEVER been in a relationship with a woman, only breaks lesbian couples up and then fucks off. She tried it with me and my girlfriend once. Nice friend. Just so we all know what she’s like.)

Note: These were my high school friends, and I was in my mid-20s at this point. We’d been friends for over a decade. And they still said shit like that. (And I mean, in some way, I get it cos when we’d go out to non-gay spots I’d get picked up by men CONSTANTLY, and women never looked at me that way. It was super aggravating.)

Which, it turns out, was her way of saying “You’re competition and I don’t want you around.” (and she’s obsessed with stereotypes), cos when I started going to gay clubs and parties with other friends who weren’t douchebags about it, NOBODY judged me like that. And I remember meeting my wife for the first time and telling her that story and she was just like “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FRIENDS?! You do look super straight but I like you and I’m super gay”. And then she took me to a lesbian bar, and I didn’t change a thing about myself, and was picked up by all sorts of girls, and really hit it off with the cutest butch girl I’ve ever seen to this day. (It didn’t end up going anywhere but still, it was nice to learn that sometimes your friends are just insecure assholes.) It really is dependent on who they are, where you live, etc. etc. And those are only things you know. I can’t comment on what the best course of action is without knowing the nitty gritty.

SO, that’s a long way of saying, people suck. Even your friends sometimes. It’s going to be difficult for a while as you weed those sorts of people out of your life. Being an open lesbian is rocky, especially at first when everything is sorta all over the place. But it does settle down, and you make better friends. And since your parents are supportive that is a HUGE hurdle you don’t have to deal with, which is absolutely AMAZING :) It’s so nice to hear.

But if you’re not able to come out and get support IRL, that’s fine too. My advice is what you’ve already done :) Come online and reach out to older lesbians. They’re the ones with the experience. If it wasn’t for the older lesbians in my life (either online or IRL that I met, including my wife), I’d be so much more insecure. I would probably still be walking around feeling a lot of shame, embarrassment, anxiety, shyness, confusion, etc.

But there’s something comforting about talking with women who have lived the same struggles, and hear about all the paths they all took and the ways they’ve dealt with specific issues. And they’re generally more calm, more realistic, and more compassionate than other baby dykes who aren’t in a privileged, secure position yet. Not that there is anything wrong with bonding with others of the same age. That is also INCREDIBLY important because those experiences will directly reflect your own, and there’s built-in support with peers. The things older lesbians have been through may not translate as well for you. A lot of us didn’t have the same pressures of social media, etc. But we also didn’t have the same online resources available either. So, it’s an interesting balance. I will say my friendship with my best friends from university (one is a lesbian too, one is straight as an arrow but a huge ally) are just as important cos age is a factor.

You can get insight from older women, but you need peer bonds too.

Online I think is very important nowadays, especially when you’re not able to go to spaces like gay clubs and bars yet. And surround yourself with positive lesbian representation. If that whole soft cottagecore thing does it for you, keep that in your orbit. But also never be ashamed or fearful of the sexual part of your sexuality. Just like it’s natural to romantically love women, it’s natural for lesbians to physically love them too.

I feel like as toxic overall as tumblr is, there are corners of it that have been incredibly supportive and nurturing even to me. Especially lesbian positivity blogs and women’s arts, etc. Poetry written by lesbians is beautiful and inspiring to me. It’s a whole genre I had no idea existed, and that has given me a great deal of peace because I can finally relate to words. Music, written and performed by gay and bisexual women is the same. It may seem trivial or cheesy, but it’s powerful to hear about women like you in songs. I have to say Mary Lambert, for one example, helped so much. I remember listening to Alix Olson in secret too when I was much younger (maybe that should have been something of a hint to myself, lol.) King Princess and Girl In Red are current faves, Saara Aalto, Shura and Brandi Carlile are a constant faves I always love (not that I even knew that about Brandi’s sexuality til recently cos I apparently live under a fucking rock lol), but I have whole lists now and it’s wonderful to have taht access.

When you’re all alone, seeking out lesbian musicians and writers can make so much difference in easing that isolation, and confusion, and fear. They speak to you and about us, as a whole. It’s affirming and less lonely.

Same goes for well-written fanfiction. Things that avoid the drama of fandom (cos there’s so much drama even when you have canon f/f pairings), because fandom is really just microcosms of society at large with all the same morons in it. But fanfic was such an escape where I could learn and explore all the things that most everywhere wouldn’t show me. TV shows touched on it (especially back 10 years ago there was like nothing), but fanfic made it real.

Even when you’re feeling secure, I think it still helps to have all the representation we can, and just… you know, revel in it.

Do not watch porn. Don’t. It’s awful and horrible and not at all realistic. A well-written fanfic by actual gay or bi women is way more helpful. Avoid porn at all costs. It will never teach you anything your body doesn’t already know about how to be with a woman (although I’m sure for you this isn’t a pressing concern at the moment). I just know that I made the mistake of it, and also stupid ass magazine/how to articles. Ignore ALL that junk. When you get a girlfriend there’s only ONE thing you need to know how to do, and that is communicate honestly. Everything else falls easily into place.

When you say it’s so weird to talk about it, I feel that. It took me YEARS to even really be able to comfortably say the word, especially in relation to myself. That feeling will pass. It’ll take time and don’t push yourself into any sort of thing you’re not ready for. You’ll feel weird about it probably, and that’s on society, not you. “Lesbian” still does have a stigma attached to it that a lot of people are afraid of or dismissive of. Just… try your best to tune that out. That’s all you can do. You’ll feel comfortable eventually. :) Give it time. You’re already doing well. The fact you can say it to me, even as anon, is beautiful.

You’ll be very open one day if that’s what you want and being a lesbian, and being seen as one, will be second nature. I mean if I think about myself at 20 and now, there’s a very big difference. I used to shy away from so many things, and dress particular ways to avoid things, now I’m definitely not giving nearly as many fucks. Also, I’ll say here that I own a bar. It’s not a gay bar, but almost every day we’re open, at least one lesbian couple will come in. And honestly my heart grows so big and warm every single time. (Gay men come in too, ofc.) But there’s something particularly ecstatic in me that I get to see that everyday. (I don’t actually have many gay friends at all.) I love the openness and acceptance and comfort. And I love telling people there that I own it with my wife, and see people’s faces light up. (Some don’t… but, meh, that’s real life too. I’ve had a few shitty fucking people come in too.) There are a lot more lesbians and bi girls around than we probably know. :)

You are not alone. Even if it’s only talking to people online, you’re never alone.

And never get discouraged that other people seem to having an easier or better time at it. Everyone moves differently, and for some it is easier, some it’s way more difficult but that doesn’t mean you need to pressure yourself, or change. I took my way exceptionally slowly and awkwardly, but ya get there eventually if you surround yourself with genuine people.

It sounds cliche but it does get easier talking about yourself as a lesbian as long as you surround yourself with positive lesbian content/people, and it takes practice (sometimes a lot of it as I’ve learnt), especially dealing with internalized stuff. But you’ll get there. You’re still super young and you have so much ahead. :D

I don’t have specific personal advice about how to handle it all in high school cos I didn’t have to deal with that. Just that there’s a whole world outside high school, even though it may not feel that way sometimes. If you’re in a small town or in a country where it’s not accepted, you’ll have a harder time finding love but it is ALWAYS possible, somehow. Never feel like there is nobody at all. There is. There’s some cute, hot, smart, interesting girl somewhere that will be into you as much as you’re into her. It’s just a matter of time til you find each other. If nothing else, in the mean time, you can form friendships and bond with people online in various ways.

I wish somebody had told me in my teen years that it’s possible to be in love with a woman, that I’m going to kiss girls one day and suddenly everything else is going to make sense and feel right after so long of things not quite fitting together, that it’s just as possible to be fulfilled with a woman as it is with a man. I wish someone would have told me I’d be loved by a woman in ways that nothing else would ever match. That I’d touch women and feel at peace with myself, and being intimate with them will change my whole life, and it’s something I was meant to do and feel. That loving women will help me love myself in a way that I never realised, and that just goes back and forth forever cos if you love yourself, loving other people is so much easier. And not to fight that cos I’m too scared to face the not so nice parts about being out. Bad shit is gonna happen no matter what, but better stuff will make up for it. I wish someone had told me that “lesbian” isn’t a bad word (I grew up with a lot of homophobia everywhere, including my family), and that I will cringe when people call me that initially but that should force myself to use it at first, cos it’ll get way better and feel right the sooner that happens. It is what I am, and I can’t avoid it forever. Own it. Cos as soon as you do, the sooner they can’t use it against you the same way anymore. But nobody said any of that to me.

And never, ever let anybody ever guilt, shame, manipulate, or pressure you into anything you don’t feel is right for you or your body. You’ll feel it deep down what you want and need, and what you don’t want and don’t need. Don’t ignore that. Don’t let anybody talk, guilt, scare, or shame you out of that. It may be hard but you already seem very strong and self-aware.

You’re not thinking wrong, you’re not made wrong. There’s a lot of that around in our society and lesbophobia is very alive still, everywhere.

You don’t need to find the “right man”. Ever. There’s no perfect high school boyfriend waiting for you if you’re a lesbian. There’s a girlfriend waiting for you. More than one, probably! You’ll love many women throughout your life and they’ll return it back to you. You’ll have friends that love you and support you. And when you say, “I’m a lesbian” it’ll roll off your tongue as easily as your name. Or your wife’s name. :) And you won’t feel any twinges of awkwardness or shame.

I wish you nothing but love and kindness, anon. Xx

And, also, anybody can ask me anything, btw. I generally really fucking suck with advice but my askbox is always here, if anybody needs it.

#Anonymous #baby lesbians are my fav precious beans and i am here for you 100000%#tho i am hardly an expert tbh. just an idiot finding her way through it all too.#long post

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lovestillaround · 5 years

Text

Thoughts about Phil’s last video (Draw My Life: Part 2)

So, it’s been two days and I still have trouble processing all the information from Phil’s newest video - that’s why I’m writing my thoughts down, hoping that it will give me more inner peace. Disclaimer: following text includes critique of the video, so if you’re sensitive to that kind of stuff/ not in the mood for hearing my negative opinions, please proceed with caution or stop reading. Love ya <3

So, Phil starts the video saying that he’s aware that we know what’s been mostly going on in his life during the last six years and that he’s gonna share with us all the behind the scenes facts. And that on itself is fine, but oh boy, nothing would prepare me for the amount of negativity that I was going to endure (and no, I’m not talking about the subjects of death and illness). I said it to my friend and I still stand by that opinion - the video was for me more like “20 minutes of complaining about/listing every bad thing that happened in my life” than actual “draw my life”. And well, obviously Phil has the right to reflect on his life in whatever way he wants, but as I was watching the video, I couldn’t help getting more and more frustrated with his lack of awareness, especially regarding the massive privilege that he has and has always had. (Also, I’m not trying to call him out for being rich and being able to afford things that I can’t afford - that’s not at all what this is about, it’s about the attitude and the way he chose to speak about those things).

While I do think that the video was full of lovely and cute moments, I’m going to focus mainly on what I found annoying or upsetting, just to keep it (relatively) short. So, I was talking about how in my opinion the video was filled with negativity. You might ask - where is it, Daria? Or more importantly - why is it bad? The response to the video is (at least from what I saw) overwhelmingly positive. Well, I’ll try to explain how I see it.

The video literally starts with Phil saying that London was (is?) 5x more expensive than Manchester, and that if their career in London didn’t work out, they would have had to move back to their parents. I have enough compassion to understand that it must have been hard for them to feel insecure about their finances (I know this feeling damn too well) - but I also think that people should, idk, be generally aware that their actions have consequences? They took a risk, and it was hard to live in uncertainty - I get that - but people having to live with their parents is a reality for so many people! So many young people don’t even get a chance to start an independent life, for various reasons. And I’m not saying that he doesn’t have the right to talk about his struggles - just for me, in the light of the rest of the video that is played on a similar note, it becomes clear that Phil isn’t aware of how much luck he’s had in life and how he has already started his life from a much better position than - can I say that? - probably the majority of people. So for me, what lacks in the video is, idk, maybe just one instance where he acknowledges his privilege? Or just generally him using a different language while talking about his experience, choosing his words more carefully, but I’ll get to that later.

The negativity continues when Phil talks about how he could not work out how to operate the radio control panel, how it was a bad decision to say yes to everything (although I admit, this one is just Phil acknowledging sth that he has learned over the years, which isn’t really negative but let’s still keep it on the list of bad things), anxiety, lack of sleep, stress, juggling responsibilities, people that they used to work with getting more from dnp than dnp did from them, dnp doing things out of obligation, not being able to fully create things how they wanted to, people being cynical about youtubers doing projects/not understanding youtube and media’s negative reactions, loads of office work, risking all their life savings to go on tour, heteronormativity of the interviewers, lots of work related to creating gaming channel videos, overworking themselves during gamingmas, frustration with people not realising how much work happens behind the scenes, people cancelling projects, losing money because of Manila.

On the other hand, the positives that Phil talked about were getting job at the radio, getting 1 million subs, interviewing people being a cool thing, everything about his relationship with family was very positive, getting a new team of people to work with and dropping some responsibilities like the radio show, success of the books and tours and games they created, creative freedom, positive relationship with his audience, improvement of the press over the years and people in traditional businesses becoming aware of what youtube is, creating and expanding irl merch, having fun on tour.

Then comes the moment when I got genuinely quite confused, aka the moment when Phil talks about not having a life. Like.... really? He has every right to feel what he feels but honestly, not that many people would count themselves lucky enough to be in a long term relationship, having a loving family, four friends that want to hang out with them, going out to dinner dates and cinemas on the regular, regularly going on vacations, being able to take private yoga or boxing lessons etc.

When I heard him saying “and I didn’t do any normal stuff people do, like getting a house or a dog”, that’s the point when I’ve lost all my hope. Like, I’m sorry Phil, but are you really gonna complain about not having time to get a house because of the life choices that you’ve made? Just… think about it. I’m not an expert on the standard of life in the UK but I personally can think of exactly zero people that I know who bought a house in their 20s. And I have to say, it’s upsetting that he seems to be so detached from what is the reality for many many people.

Sharing personal stuff on the internet requires courage and I don’t want to be the one who takes all this knowledge and uses it against him. But I’m genuinely upset with the way he handled things this time. As I was watching the video for the first time, at the end of it all I could think was - wow, you’re really that entitled, aren’t you?

And it makes me sad, because I see two possible reasons for him being like that:

a) He is not in the best place mentally, so that he can only really focus rn on the negative aspects of his life, regretting his past choices, being disappointed in how his personal life looks like. This could be supported the fact that for basically any major thing that happened in his life he decided to share with us and elaborate mostly the negative details attached to it, rarely the positive ones (see the list of positive and negative things that I included above).

b) He is completely unaware of what’s the average threshold for a “good quality life”, and he’s not aware of his own privilege.

To elaborate a bit more on the point b): one could see Phil’s video as maybe a reminder that everything comes with a prize and that even though a youtuber’s life might seem super easy, there’s still a lot of stress and work involved that we just don’t see. But… I’ve been aware of that. Nobody’s life is one-dimensional, and everyone has struggles. And of course they have to edit their videos and do the business stuff. But when Phil says how he sometimes wishes people were aware of his personal struggles, I can only think that this is the reality for many many people, not only celebrities on the internet. Idk, maybe I just wasn’t the target of this whole segment in the first place, but for me it sounds borderline patronising, and again, entitled, because as I mentioned, everyone has their own struggles.

But for me, Phil doesn’t seem to be aware that he was only able to make some of the life choices that he’s made because he already had a good start in life in the first place. He’s always had a safety net in form of his parents, so he could make a choice of risking everything and moving to London for example. And yes, coming back home and asking his parents for money could have been embarrassing for him and emotionally hard, but so many people could not take such risk, or any risk, in general! Because they have families that they need to take care of. Because they have not enough money to move to an expensive city, no matter the circumstances. Because they have no one left who would help them financially if something went wrong. And so many other reasons!

On one hand, I can empathise with his frustration. I know how it is to work my ass off just to be able to go to uni, while many people that I know get money from their parents, go to a couple of lectures and then party/do nothing really. And then having other people thinking that everything is easy for me because idk I’ve always had good grades so according to them I don’t need to work as hard. Is it frustrating? Yeah. It’s hard to be misunderstood, or having your work belittled. But I would never blame other people for not being aware of how much work comes with the lifestyle that I’ve chosen. And I’m aware that dnp were working their asses off to create good things for us, but also, obviously, they were hoping to make financial profit out of it. It might sound awful but they did not have to do most of those things. In many instances, they totally did not have to overwork themselves, because it was not like they were making money to survive, they were making money just to make more money, basically. Nothing evil in wanting to make money but honestly Phil, most people work super hard, and they don’t get millions for it. While I do acknowledge that they’ve been working hard, and that a part of their audience might have not been aware of that, I think that complaining about that seems quite… inconsiderate? Complaining about the lack of private life seems inconsiderate too, especially because most people aren’t privileged enough to just decide to put their work aside and focus on their private life whenever they want. Many people I know are overworking themselves too, simply because they don’t have another choice.

So, I’m quite upset. I don’t know what my point is. It seems to me like in that video Phil comes from a place of deep frustration, and well, I’m frustrated too. Fair game, I guess?

I want them to have a good life. I want them to do whatever the hell they need to do in order to be happy, I want them to get a goddamn dog and a house. But I also hope they’ll continue to grow, and that maybe next time Phil will be more considerate, and more careful with words.

#amazingphil #phil lester #dnp #phan #ramble

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gg-astrology · 5 years

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if you’re still doing combos, libra sun + cancer moon 💕 thank you

Hey there! 💕 Yes I am!!💕💕 I hope u like it ;;

[Below Cut: Libra Sun - Cancer Moon 🦀 ]

phew these people!

I feel like with Libra/Cancer there’s a sense of ‘courage’ in them? They aren’t afraid to get messy and right into sticky business sometimes (areas where Capricorn/Aries might jerk away from)

It’s bravery, to face and figure out pieces of ‘truth’ from situation that requires them to get a lil messy and may sometimes ‘hurt’ other people’s feeling even if they don’t realize it

Like,,, sometimes truth hurts y know?? But the thing about these people is that they’re brave. So they aren’t afraid to question what they know, what they don’t, what they feel/don’t and then try to find something that ‘balances’ it all

In a way, Libra’s diplomacy makes them adept at deflecting and defending themselves. ‘Talk to me in a civilized manner and I’ll address you with such’ kind of deal

Can make them a ‘lil’ unsympathetic and snobby sometimes, but it’s mostly bc they work so hard to get it others have to ‘work’ to get it too yknow?

Can be lazy, but will never like to ‘easy way out’ to something. These people are cautious and astute, comfortable but also formidable.

They’re the crab and the scale, and the representation matters.

One is an inanimate object, it may make the person a lil unsympathetic even when they’re trying to be ‘civilized’ or fair-- it makes them cast judgement/rules/conditions on others without appealing to their compassion/human sense (people work best when you’re not being-- y know, defensive or guarded towards them, gate-keep somewhat)

While the crab represents a soft inner being, a softer more vulnerable, nurturing side that needs to somehow come through. It’s defensive tho, snap it’s claws even when there’s nothing there. It tells others to ‘stay away’ without the Libra/Cancer native realizing. Sometimes-- no matter how kind or knowledgeable they are, they can be somewhat unapproachable because they don’t know how to fully appeal to people in a healthy, sensitive, emotional way.

Give first before ye demand, although they may think ‘this is true’ in regards to how others treat them. They also need to realize they may rarely give to others without ‘conditions’ set on the things they give as well.

Think Pisces, the thing about Cancer Moon is that it’s highly perceptive and intuitive. But Cancer has great potential to be both ‘Scorpio’ in nature and ‘Pisces’ as well. Think of em’ as your shell and inner flesh.

It’s easier to ‘Have a Shell’ than it does to ‘Open Up’ to others truthfully. This isn’t asking you to like--- expose your vulnerability or something you’re uncomfortable with. It’s asking you to be compassionate first, sympathetic and less conditional, more dreamy. Give others benefit of the doubt sometimes.

Your Libra will keep you inline-- just trust your water that if you let go and let yourself be kind and soft to others, you’ll get the same thing back. Maybe even more appreciation-- which you’d love-- even more with how you approach others socially.

In a way it’s like, Cancer is both your strength and your disadvantage? it empowers you, it gives you strength. But it also makes you lonely because it wants recognition but doesn’t know how to get it.

Be gentle, be open. Try to think Pisces (I keep mentioning this bc Cancer may have a harder time with ‘lighter’ stuff than ‘darker’ stuff. They’re moody, always emotional but they have to learn how to be in-touch with their optimism/up-lifitng/’lighter water’ side as well. Swimming, fluid, flexible. It’s what the lesson is teaching you. Be adaptable. Be both, the hard and soft. Get to show and know the soft even more than the ‘hard’ and maybe you’ll help your Libra more)

The thing with these square signs is that Libra does want tranquility, to get along, to measure and let things come equally, naturally, fairly. Yet it can be quite passive (despite being cardinal) Libra can wait too long, expect others to come to them. Expect others to ‘realize’ how to reach/treat them without fully acknowledging how it’s treating others.

This ‘mirroring’ aspect of Libra only works to the extent where they don’t realize the slightest bit of opposition makes them ‘skrt’ away from it into the defensive/aggressive immediately. ‘Don’t follow me!! We’ll deal with it when I’m ready!!!’

Cancer can be part of Libra’s bad coping mechanism, bad habit they may need to face. Their emotional fluctuation makes them ‘not feel ready’ for things/people/situation-- can make them stiff, less flexible and stubborn against other people’s concern.

But anyways, let’s talk about the good part too?

The good thing is---you never lose touch of your emotionality. It might sound like ‘wow big surprise (not)’ but trust me, if you were ever numb to your own emotions then you’re probably fucked (or fucked up pretty bad)

(*if you are tho, you’ll need to ground yourself. Find like a Taurus or Capricorn. They’re good at shaking your shoulders and making you come into consciousness again.)

To others, your outside persona is so charming?

Libra gives off an air of peace and serenity, while Cancer may act as your sharper edge sometimes (your moods will influence how receptive you are to others) but overall–generally, Libra/Cancer people tend to be kind and forgiving, nurturing and generous.

You may pride yourself on being a ‘realistically nice’ person. As in, you’re not a push-over and you have an edge, but you’d like to think there are ‘rules’ that are fair, and within that you can treat everyone equally ‘nicely’.

You do your best to keep it optimistic, without over-balancing yourself with what you can/can’t do for people (again, not a push-over) -- Although sometimes, there can be opportunities where you hesitate, where you want to ‘take a chance’ with something but waited too long and became too cautious again.

Go for it! Usually these opportunities are rare, and it’s not often that you’ll get to go on ‘adventures’ like this. You’re mostly concerned about being unprepared, maybe being useless/depending on the other person. But don’t worry about it?

It’s good to let yourself go. If your friend shows up at your house and say ‘lets get it’ -- you won’t have time to think and organize a backpack to take with you, y know? Trust, and rely on others sometimes. It will be ok.

Ahh you always try to give other people realistic opinions, and options they can take with them (to make meaningful stuff out of it)-- making sure they don’t lead themselves (necessarily) down a darker/wrong path, that’s part of what you’re optimistic/try to exude out so others can take with them about (an angel 🧚‍♀️-- I know the emoji’s a fairy but it’s the only one I have ;; )

Maybe this is just from an outsider’s perspective….but mayhaps you’re the most reactive when someone goes against you (challenges you) than you are in ur everyday self (lovely, diplomatic, resourceful and caring)

Very woe-is-me, did you realize you get really ‘:|’ about it??? You’ll obviously try to brush it off, not let it get to you ( ‘I have my own/more important shit to think about’)--- but you do care, and turning yourself away from that compromises your compassion and your integrity as well.

It’s ok to take it hard when handling confrontations/people challenging you, what matters is that you learn how to admit that there are things you’re bad at. Or isn’t good at learning.

I think a part of you knows that you don’t do very well with criticism....sometimes constructive criticism when you’re not prepared for it can get you defensive (bc you’re sensitive after all, no matter how much you ‘harden’ it or ‘hide’ it)

Learn how to admit.....and ask others for help, to be patient. Give yourself the space and time to work on this. Don’t expect yourself to just-- be good at it on the first go. But it’s better than denying this to your death bed you know? (I have no doubt you can and will if no-one points it out, you’re incredibly stubborn when you want to be after all.

If you noticed any pattern of you blaming others more than yourself-- it’s probably likely that you were closing off/acting up again some of those instances. Try to evaluate your sensitivity and-- again, take a deep breath and ‘think pisces’.

Get in touch with keeping your eyes wide, being open and compassionate while being truthful even when it’s uncomfortable to open yourself up so vulnerably is necessary to learn. Remember-- Pisces is also ruler of Jupiter, and Libra can work better with that kind of energy than Cancer sometimes. So be the Best You You Can Possibly Be To Another Person.)

One thing to note is that you are responsive, while you may also be assertive you are also responsive and much more easily swayed by responses than you’d like to admit. To learn that, take it with you atleast. Make it better for yourself, don’t close yourself off to ‘protect’ your vulnerabilities-- learn to strengthen it by being open, instead of closed-off instead.

It’ll help you not take it harder on urself as well, Cancer can pent up some stuff y know? So it’s good to know how to ‘let go’ -- so you don’t have to resort to being passive-aggressive sometimes.

If you need another take on Libra-Cancer squares: Cancer Moons can be quite moody and take responses to things pretty hard. And while the general attitude it exudes off invites mayhem— Libra Sun wants to keep peace, keep diplomacy, keep it’s stance. So it’s like.

If you want to attract good energy then BE that good energy. Your Cancer Moon has more emotions than just being skeptical or critical of something/someone— it could be used to garner attraction to you that would benefit and help your Libra Sun.

You just gotta be conscious of it, of what you’re exuding out. Because /thats/ whats causing oppositions in your life (whether it’s people irl or on the internet) – people aren’t necessarily jealous or have an agenda out against you for some reason. It’s mostly to do with your own attitude that demeans and attract those kinds of things to you because you’re always ‘looking out in case it happens’ for it.

You are at your best when you are kind, understanding. NOT unrelenting and frustratingly constricted to just yourself. When your Cancer starts to deflect, and Libra tries to control the situation - this is why you’re ‘tense’ and ‘need to stew’ sometimes.

Reach out to others and truly, learn how to let them guide you/be a good influence on you. If you can have it, let yourself learn/grow how to be open-hearted and open-minded to others as well.

The tension with this square aspect is that it can be the person somewhat moody, always emotional and use their intellect and passiveness as a defensive tactic.

They think they’re hard but they’re rather soft. You’re the most successful when you are passionate about something, when you do care and realize that you care. You can approach people with genuine love and nurturing kindness. But that comes with the territory of learning how to get/heal past hurt and not let it jade you as well.

I hope this is helpful!! 💕 Thanks for sending this in~ 💕

#anon #asks #libra sun #cancer moon #libra-cancer #libra #cancer

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littlefrenchiefangirl · 5 years

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It’s July 19th and I’m turning 19 today so it’s time for a yearly introspection lmao so buckle up folks I don’t know how long this post is going to be.

Two years ago on this day I just came out to my best friend, by text because I wasn’t able to tell her face to face. Partly because we kinda drifted apart at this time due to life problems and partly because we were both figuring out our sexual identity ( not easy to do when you go to a Catholic high school in a little town with homophobic folks lmao). So yeah, I was not doing good at this point of my life, internal struggles and all. I felt suffocated so I reached out to her, telling her I was a lesbian ( spoiler alert I still am, more than ever if possible). And she just took it so well it was a breath of fresh air in my life. She also came out to me this night and we were closer than ever once again and from now on whatever happened we had each other’s back.

During high school we made friends, with whom we’re still very close even if we don’t see each other as often as before. Last year on this day I came out to them during a small party. I’m an emotional drunk and I was quite tipsy ( apparently drunk me has no filter ). And they asked me questions, some stupid ones, some very interesting, but they were so supportive and so proud of me for telling them, we hugged it out with me crying from sheer hapiness in the middle of them ( btw, group hug where you are in the middle are awesome but it also feels like you’re fighting with an octopus). So yeah I’ll be forever grateful for my friends.

Around the end of March, the beginning of April this year, I came out to my brother in the most random way possible lmao. No build up, no long talk before, I just blurted it out during a car ride. He told me he already knew, that he had figured it out a long time before I was even ready to come to terms with my sexuality. Two weeks ago I came out to my mom and it was such a relief, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t cry when she said she’d loved me no matter what, that I’ll always be her daughter, that it didn’t matter who I love. I didn’t cry in front of her, but the next day I was alone at home and I cried my heart out, all the doubts I had, all the fear, the relief, the uncertainty that comes with coming out... I cried for at least an hour, sitting on the living room floor, smiling so wide my cheeks hurt. It was a cathartic moment for me, and one I’ll probably always remember tbh. Of course I’m not out to all my family, hell my dad doesn’t even know I’m gay. But coming out is a slow process, and it’s as nervewracking as it is healing. So I’m out to the people I love ( dont get me wrong I love my dad but i genuinely don’t know how he’ll react).

Of course during this time I had a few bad experiences, people I came out too, by sliding a comment in a conversation, who stopped talking to me out of the blue afterwards, tactile people who wouldn’t even look me in the eyes anymore... Some took their time and came back to talk to me, some I’ve never seen again, some who began to question their sexuality even. Anyway, coming out is always scary, you don’t know how the people you love will react. For that I’ll forever be thankful for the universe or whatever deity out there to bring those friends into my life, online and irl friends, they are all a part of my growing process, and I wish they knew how much they matter to me. If only I wasn’t so emotionally stilted lmao.

During this time when I was in the closet, I wasn’t really miserable but I wasn’t exactly happy either. I was monitoring everything little thing I did, I still catch myself doing it sometimes, out of habit. I would always think about the way I dressed, the way I talked, the way I walked for fear of being outed. But during my time in the closet, I grew up, watching lgbtq+ content on the Internet, looking up to openly lgbt+ celebrities, secretly smiling at a gay couple holding hands in the streets, or queer people in my high school who would kiss in front of homophobic people to show them that queer people exist and they live their life freely, not caring about the judmental stares of bigots. So even if they don’t see this post, I’d like to thank them, seeing openly out lgbt people is so important when you are struggling with your sexuality yourself. It made my heart warm, it gave me hope that maybe one day I could have this kind of freedom too.

It’s the first time I’ve written so much about myself on here, so much of my internal process and I’m literally crying rivers as I write this, all the feelings coming up to the surface in waves. But I feel like I need to write everything out to start a new chapter of my life. God this post is a mess. But again thank you to the one who came out before anyone was ready to accept lgbt+ people, thanks to the ones who recently came out, thank to the ones who’ll keep on coming out and fight for our rights until we don’t have to come out anymore. We still have a long way to go but I’m hopeful. Thank to the lgbt+ couples I see in the streets, kissing, holding hands, acting like a couple basically, but I know it takes a lot of courage for lgbt+ couples to act like a straight couple in the streets, the increasing of homophobic attacks in France these last few years have shown it after all. So thank you thank you thank you.

This post is already huge ( guess I’ll have to add a read more lmao) but I’ll keep going. I was not doing great this last year, my grandma passed away, it will soon be a year since she died and I miss her deeply. On top of that college was tough for me, I’m redoing my first year because I failed and it took an emotional toll on me. It took me a long time to accept it because I’ve always done good at school without putting much effort into it. French school system teaches you ( at least that’s how I perceive it) that failure is not an option, that if you fail you’re not good enough. I learned this year that it’s not true, you can fail and you can keep failing, it’s okay, you’re good enough, you just have to keep trying. Failure is okay, it doesn’t make you any less of a person. You can mess up, you can make mistakes too, as long as you learn from them it’s okay. You’ve got your whole life to learn, to grow and bloom. I’m finally coming to terms with that, I’m finally doing okay now, good even. There are always good and bad days, always will be and it’s okay. You can’t be at your full potential everyday, doing the best you can in the moment is already enough, whether it is writing a 12 pages essay due the next day, saving the oceans or just getting up from your bed.

What I’m trying to say I guess is that, even if you’re not doing good now, it will pass eventually, the storm always go away. You just have to hang on the best you can until bad times are behind you. It’s okay, you’re okay, and if you’re not today, you will be someday. Life gets better, it truly does. You just have to give it a chance.

#personal #ramble #yearly introspection #maybe I'll make a tradition out of it #i'm still crying lmao #this post is a mess #an emotional mess

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mystieres · 5 years

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hello

it’s swagoru. this will be a message for the people who care about me or just don’t have anything else to do. (sorry if this is straightforward.) it is april 3 today, so please don’t treat this as a prank.

includes: general mood for the past few months, notice of hiatus, where else u can find me, and my plans while i’m on hiatus

once you’ve started reading this, please read through everything. i might cause misunderstandings if only part of this is read.

i am posting with the risk that people will not see this. and that’s alright. i just want to say it. i’m used to people not saying anything back for now. i never expect responses of any kind until they are actually given. this is a little pessimistic but i promise you all that i will not be doing anything reckless. and i promise that i do not blame anyone for this. the message was intended for the sole purpose of expressing how i feel and what i will be doing, and it is not against anyone.

i’ll start with the bad stuff first.

i’ll be frank, and i won’t blame anyone. i feel unwanted on social media and in general. and i don’t want anyone telling me that they did want me around all along, because that doesn’t change the way i experienced or the way i currently feel. i don’t want anyone to apologize for this either, because maybe they really don’t want me around, or they didn’t know how i felt. in any way, none of you are ultimately responsible for how i feel. don’t be. don’t feel responsible. in the end, i should be the one responsible for my own feelings and happiness. it’s just what i’m feeling right now. but i really do love and appreciate the messages of help i have gotten, all the gifts. they have pushed me forward.

while i tried to be as accommodating as possible before, i somehow ended up becoming selfish. as much as i tried to prevent people becoming uncomfortable, somehow i did. i unknowingly hurt others or made them uncomfortable. i do have my own personal problems but i won’t use them as an excuse. i’ve been through a lot, but it shouldn’t have changed the way i talked with others. i’m sorry.

i know i might have been rude or weird without being aware of it. but i just wanted you all to know that i appreciate you all a lot. everything has been causing me anxiety lately. i don’t know what i’m supposed to feel on social media anymore. i feel like i don’t belong anywhere anymore. irl, all my other friends are in relationships, and i’m really starting to feel that i was meant to be a lone wolf. right now, everyone’s already developed close ties when i started interacting with them.

in short, when it comes to building relationships and socializing, while some of you consider yourselves bad at doing this, i am a complete failure. i don’t know how to interact with past friends. even a hello seems awkward and like a burden. but i am afraid of hurting, of being hurt, leaving, and being left behind. and it always feels like something is going out of my control. and i am creating and maintaining the status quo of being alone. i am hoping that this will change. of course, i should be changing the way that i look at myself. but i see myself as nothing more than a problem to others, and have been for the past six or so years.

now, some of you might have offered or will offer your dms for me, and i appreciate it. it really means a lot. unfortunately, i’ve never been the type to want to rely on anyone because then, i’d feel like a burden. most of the time i’d prefer to just rely on myself instead of giving other people more problems as i know they’re busy, or i’m just not close with them. i have been so used to people spoon-feeding me, or completely leaving things to me, that asking for help is a completely foreign idea. someone like me, who is completely aware of her weaknesses, needs to learn how to rely on others. i would like to change this someday, but it’s just improbable for me to do that right now.

i have been having periods of silence where i would refuse to talk or reply to anyone for a few days at a time unless necessary. this has happened at least twice in the past month. i don’t want to feel rude or like a problem. another reason is that i don’t get that much interactions anymore. so i just don’t see any point. my lack of self-esteem aside, maybe i’m not that likable, i’m not very fun to talk to, or maybe what i make sucks or i’m just not talented enough. the algorithm has something to do with it too, i guess. all of them are good explanations.

a lot of you can understand how disheartening that must feel. personally it makes me feel inferior or unwanted. often i get told, “well, screw what they do. just continue to do your stuff!” and i will. i tell this to other people a lot. i’ll continue to draw and write. but as for small talk, i don’t know what exactly to say. there has to be a point now. i can’t say things that don’t make sense anymore.

so to the people i know on tumblr, instagram, twitter, and discord, thank you so much for being a great part of my little circle of friends. i’m going to admit i don’t keep many. i love you all so much that you’ve all made me cry with your kind words, gifts, and playlists. the music, art, writing, and advice you share. a bunch of you even met me before i turned into a legal adult, and even saw me through graduation. although i can’t recall every single thing i’ve experienced, i just wanted you all to know that i’ve been thankful for everything so far. you’re all great and amazing people. and i feel like i can’t express it enough. i am hoping that this is just another phase of me trying to break out of my shell.

there is a high likelihood of me going on an indefinite hiatus. this has happened before. all these past breaks have been half-assed and only making my emotional health worse. if i feel unwanted, then something must be wrong with me and i must change it myself. but i can’t do it while being problematic to others. it’s self-defeating. i must go on and better myself. and most of all, i’m tired of treating my depression and adhd as excuses. i’ll experience problems, but i don’t want to talk about them anymore when i could just do something.

i have logged out of my current discord because i always feel compelled to open messages and talk. i’m not forced. but i’m making myself uncomfortable.

twitter will probably be the exception (handle: swagoru_), and i will continue posting online, waaay less on tumblr. i cannot guarantee replies to messages. i’ve tried socializing but i just suck, so i’m too afraid to reply to anything. i have also put up a wordpress (check reblogs for the site) but there’s nothing in it yet. best site ever, because i won’t feel pressured or forced to interact or gain clout.

and here’s some slightly better news. please let me flex for now.

i am graduating with around/at least 11 awards bagged in total for my entire high school life (grades 9-12). some math contests and journalism stuff. and i am going on to college.

it leaves me with just one issue: money. i am budgeting the inheritance i received from my late mother. aside from her, no one else is earning money for me. i have the support of my grandparents but i want to establish financial independence as soon as possible. i tried to apply for a job a while back but i was so busy. but i might take it this summer. for months i have been considering commissions, but it’s either i don’t have enough clout or talent to do them. my works barely get any notice so i’m deciding against it. but i am always going to try improving my art, writing, and myself. one day i will be brave enough to open commissions. i hope some of you will consider when i have my portfolio ready.

this means that i will be a lot busier preparing and improving myself. this also serves as my adjustment period from a high school student who was sheltered and completely dependent all her life to someone who is slowly being introduced into adulthood and reality. i’m still learning how to live. i can’t let others befriend me while i’m still a mess. and most of all, even with my conditions, i don’t expect the world to adjust to me.

but when i become active here again, i hope that i’ll have the courage to speak and reply like usual. i hope to get rid of all this negativity and this shyness i must overcome.

i hope you read through everything. i’m going to miss you guys. i don’t know when i’ll be more active to talk. hopefully when we do, i will have become a better person by then.

all the love,

swagoru 💙

#mentions of depression #mentions of anxiety #mentions of adhd #real life talk #swagoru on hiatus

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everlastingfable · 6 years

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Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people. I was tagged by @kingofthewilderwest

LAST:

1. Drink: water... this post reminded me that I did not drink anything for the past 10 hours

2. Phone call: with my mom like 3 days ago

3. Text message: from my dad. idk how to cook....

4. Song you listen to: I guess when I was playing Heart of Courage on the piano. For an actual song, the last song on my spotify is Centuries from fob but I fell asleep like 3 songs before that so idk

5. Time you cried: can’t remember

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: yes although I wasn’t aware the first one was a date until after

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: I’ve never kissed anyone so no

8. Been cheated on: no

9. Lost someone special: I don’t think so.....

10. Been depressed: yeah

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: I’m not old enough to drink either.... no

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. red

13. gold

14. black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yes

16. Fallen out of love: no

17. Laughed until you cried: yes. thank you lance and kaltenecker that was a delight

18. Found out someone was talking about you: no

20. Found out who your friends are: uh no?

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: no

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: I did the math 94%

23. Do you have any pets: no :( I miss my bunny

24. Do you want to change your name: sometimes, but idk what to change it to

25. What did you do for your last birthday: uhh pack to move out of my dorm the next day, reorganize my comics, had an unpleasant/pleasant surprise of cookies from my family

26. What time do you wake up: I’ve been waking up at 6 the last few days but usually around 8

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping

28. Name something you can’t wait for: httyd3, vld season 5, thanksgiving break, winter break, when I finally have some time to read this book I bought

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: 8 days ago?

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I guess like the motivation to be in school? Like idk I’m so tired I just wanna graduate and get this over with I’m just not interested in college. tbh I didn’t really want to go I just did because it’s expected of me and if I want the chance to have a non-retail job I kinda have to get a degree

31. What are you listening to right now: the keyboard clacking sound

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I don’t think so

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: the voltron fandom always gets on my nerves. Personally, probably just my current need to like figure out who I am? Like this is so annoying what’s my sexual orientation? That’s something I’m constantly thinking about and it just bothers me because I keep switching around between completely and totally ace to possibly hetero, maybe bi??? girls seem cool idk I can’t ignore it and there’s also the fact that I read this one fic of child!keith being autistic and that’s thrown me into a loop because I relate to those events so much but I’m not... or I don’t think I am. Even then obviously it’s not something that causes an issues for me but I just want answers

34. Most visited website: tumblr, facebook, youtube, a03

35. Mole/s: uh there’s one on my thigh. google isn’t answering my question if moles can just be a dot like you don’t feel it it’s just a dif color on my skin

36. Mark/s: there’s a very faded scar on my left leg from when I slipped on algae and fell into a river, and another faded scar on my right foot when I stepped on glass

37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be a writer at one point, also a chef, and a graphic designer

38. Hair color: dark brown

39. Long or short hair: long. I kinda want to try short hair but that’s something I’ve never done before and I’m scared I’d hate it. I don’t want to wait for it to grow out if I do

40. Do you have a crush on someone: irl, maybe?? fictional characters tend to be more of squishes: keith, matt, hunk, shiro when he’s not unknowingly sabotaging the team

41. What do you like about yourself: haha

42. Piercings: no

43. Blood type: O+

44. Nicknames: I think frosty is the only one that’s ever stuck. There’s been a few that people have tried to give me but they didn’t work

45. Relationship status: single

46. Zodiac: taurus and I hate how everything about it is food

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favorite TV Show: voltron

50. Right or left hand: right

51. Surgery: do wisdom teeth count?

52. Hair dyed in different color: I want to but I’m afraid I’ll hate it

53. Sport: no

55. Vacation: so many places tbh. I want to go to the northwest of the US (Seattle, Portland, Vancouver, I only know popular cities...) I also really want to visit Europe SO BADLY especially the Norwegian area, also South America I want to see the Amazon rain forest and the Galapagos Islands

56. Pair of trainers: yes. idk how to answer this

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: what is this asking? am I eating right now? no. what do I want to eat? I have a uncrustables pbj sandwich sitting in front of me I’m waiting for it to defrost. I also have taiwanese sausages I’m waiting to defrost and cook. what’s my favorite food? like any variations of sushi, particularly poke bowls

58. Drinking: yoooo the only good part about the holidays is egg nog. I’m probably gonna finish the half-gallon I bought two days ago today

59. I’m about to: keep answering these. I should also study for a test tomorrow

62. Want: money? to not be tired? to have some free time where I’m not stressed about what I’ll have to do later?

63. Get married: no but I do want to organize a wedding. seems fun

64. Career: idk man. right now I’m just going with my dream from high school which was to work at dreamworks but idk how

65. Hugs or kisses: hugs, but I feel like a lot of hugs I’ve gotten just don’t feel nice

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: majority if not all of my friends are shorter than me and I’ve gotten used to that to the point where I cannot deal with people taller than me

68. Older or younger: same thing. I’m usually the youngest so just being older than people is ???? also I think being the youngest prevents me from comparing myself to others? because they’re older so of course they would be “ahead” of me in life. so less stress

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: I’m weak for arms

71. Sensitive or loud: ??

72. Hook up or relationship: no

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: is this in terms of relationships I’m so confused. I guess just platonically, both? I’d like to be friends with someone who’s willing to do crazy things because that’s usually exciting, but at the same time someone who knows when to restrain themselves

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: no

75. Drank hard liquor: no

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: yes

77. Turned someone down: I think

78. Sex on the first date: no

79. Broken someone’s heart: maybe?? it’s more likely I just upset them

80. Had your heart broken: no

81. Been arrested: no

82. Cried when someone died: no

83. Fallen for a friend: idk

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84: Yourself: no

85. Miracles: mmmm

86. Love at first sight: not really. It just doesn’t seem plausible to me

87. Santa Claus: sure

88. Kiss on the first date: for me personally, no

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: I can’t just have one best friend.... peach & percy

91. Eye color: they’ve been described as black holes before

92. Favorite movie: httyd obvs

I tag: @peachdoxie, @lastronaut, @zhe-lazy-fox, @tanyasm10, @stratoc, @palions, @emkayohh, @frxstguardian, @howdomaddie, anyone else who sees this and wants to do it.

#personal #tagged

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