#mantra sad better myself

[ride-a-dromedary]

Again I know it's supposed to be a haha reference to the turns into a bear when he's too aroused thing, but in again refusing to brush just over the surface of this character: "I must be careful or I'll lose run of myself again. An Archdruid should show *some* restraint." comes across to me as more melancholy than perhaps intended when a. You take it into consideration that several lines imply that Halsin has issues with self control and self servitude, and presenting an "acceptable" version of himself as an outwards facing authority figure, to the point where he brushes over his own feelings, or pushes things that he wants down in the effort to reflect better what others want from him.

And b. Remember that Halsin was essentially just an apprentice when he was forcibly situationally promoted to Archdruid - he wasn't taught *how* to be an Archdruid or trained for it, or mentored; he was thrust into it because they didn't have any other choice. But they needed someone, so he stepped up. Halsin has spent the last century studying and learning things on the fly or through trial and error, and in a position of leadership like that, he is aware that every failure to uphold that mask *counts* and others *are* very much affected. How many times has he muttered that same mantra? Or heard it thrown around? An Archdruid not having control over their own magic is a big deal. Even when he is no longer Archdruid, he still grumbles it to himself. He's been at it over a century and he *still* doesn't feel like he's gotten it right. Even when he is in a place of progression, of trying to gain hold of himself again, those wisps of failure and self doubt still creep into everything. And that's sad to me.

#BG3 Musing #Halsin Posting #haha funny line in response to saucy line that man is about to go feral ooh se- HEY TRAUMA #it's like a med student being promoted to the head of emergency #or an admin assistant suddenly being put in a ceo role #like i know it's a meme scene!! but halsin sounds *humilated* when he accidentally wildshapes during his romance scene #he sounds flustered and embarrassed and is so quickly launching off excuses with a tone that indicates *he thinks it's over* #like he fucked up he fucked this up just when he was *starting* to come into himself again and it never stops #i keep thinking of that one lyric from big thief 'i can't find surrender/and i can't keep control' #and again i'm reading too deep into it but halsin's struggle with failure really is embedded here you just have to...like listen to him #Even when he *says* that there's little point in denying oneself #he does it literally all the time - he did it for a *century* #and i'm not saying he doesn't have fun or not enjoy things but he cuts himself off so early at the root #or buries himself so thoroughly in a self indulgence until it wrecks him and neither of these things are healthy #note that he says as long as others aren't affected - he doesn't say as long as i'm not affecting *myself* #anyway i'm unwell #maybe i was never meant to be archdruid - you weren't! you were meant to protect nature's spirit and roam with the wilds #and yet he still did the best he could and people *admire* him and followed him but he may never come to see it that way #you ruined a perfectly good wood elf - look it's got trauma and anxiety (and larian turned him into a meme and i won't forgive them)

[louroth]

Hello everyone :> 

It's been a month! it's incredible how much my life has changed- while I'm still adjusting I'm just...still walking on clouds. it feels unreal. the patreon took off and I can almost make a living wage on it which is frankly fucking insane, and the discord is so vibrant it scared me for a moment (not anymore- shooting the shit with the people there is the favorite part of my day, even if I sometimes just leave a trail of emotes lskjdhajksdhkjasd.) I couldn't have asked for a better community. YES I am crying about it. Thank you, so, so much. I am cradling your face in my hands. crying.

But as always, enough of my bleeding heart. Let's get to it!

The first two weeks after posting the update, I took a sort of quasi vacation and only wrote a handful of story-words each day, and spent some time fooling around in the discord + brushed off my smut archive to refine for Patreon. There are already 4 stories up, and a new one coming tomorrow- though I haven't decided yet whether it will be possessive/jealous L sfw short or one very nasty short where you come across a particularly insistent species of vines while trekking the forest. hehe. we'll see. >:3

But, even though I had to rest not to combust after work, I am very pleased to say that the next chapter is coming along great, with the skeleton finished for its entirety, and about 45% and some change already written (it's very hard to gauge because I jump around a lot when I write.) This is the final chapter before the forest, filled with action and the heart wrenching drama of offering tenderness to a certain someone, and deciding for your hunter when enough is truly enough. I have teared up writing certain scenes and I genuinely cannot wait for you to experience this next part yourselves. 

It is so funny reading things I wrote for this chapter six months ago, or longer, because I knew exactly what emotions I wanted to bake in and couldn't really nail it, but now it is coming together beautifully! Sure, it will still be wonky first draft writing, but the core is there and that is all that matters for now. I'm saying soon™ for the update for now, because I am allowing myself to adapt to writing full time- I didn't quit my job to become my own nightmare boss, and I truly want to enjoy this process. I think, in the long run, it will result in a better story. Patience is my mantra. All in due time- I cannot force quality creative work. But by everything wretched and sinful, I cannot wait to share this next part with you!!! I'm frothing at the mouth!!!

In other news, y'all. I need to get organized. I get heartburn thinking about all the different variations of files and notes and notebooks and scraps of paper and variables and branches of plot and just generally, the things to keep track of is getting to the point of a dragon hoard of scary 'oh no I forgot about that part'. I'm gritting my teeth through it until this chapter is out, but after it, I am going to spend some time to

 1) get my shit together in gorgeous, beautiful spreadsheets

2) get serious about finding beta- and proofreaders. (me @ u: 🥺)

But that's it, my friends! I scrapped an entire progress report because I started sounded corporate and listing points which was just... sad. I really hope I evolve into writing these in a more fun way, which would make them more fun for you to read too! But for now, I think this will do. I hope you have a beautiful day/night, and if you would like to see more in depth dev-logs of my writing life, or random sneak peeks, I post those weekly on patreon!

Or join our discord, which. It's just the nicest place, I can't even come up with words that do it justice. It's my favorite daily newspaper.

Until next time! x

#OUROBOROS #ouroboros-if #interactive fiction #dev log #progress report #im scuttling off to finish character moodboards now like a gremlin #i am wholly soaked and immersed in the world of ouro and that just feels... so nice. I never want to leave #on asks: sorry they have taken low priority while I adapt to everything happening. I read every single one and smile and laugh and ponder #but when it comes to actually answering my words just stop working. its a soup up there #send thots and prayers 😔 #(or come join the discord where I answer questions with gusto on the daily)

[mitsukiwa]

Ich bin nicht ich (BILL KAULITZ)

A/N: I originally had written this for myself as a way to comfort myself (Bill's my comfort person) bc i've went through SH, Depression ECT, so i wrote this in a from of way to comfort me while i was going through things at that time. He managed to make me feel better through his songs, and watching tokio hotel TV. They always make me crack up, and i adore bill and his personality <3 He means the absolute world to me.

CW; WARNING; Self Harm, mentions of suicide, blood. (if ur not comfortable with that pls don't read this.)

ミ★ 𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯 ★彡

You sat on the floor of your bathroom with a kitchen knife clutched in your hand.

The phone on the edge of the porcelain tub buzzed over and over. The sound resonates loudly with the material, and throughout the empty walls of the bathroom.

You ignored it. You had already said what you wanted to say. Your mind was set.

Your eyesight was blurry with the tears obscuring your view. Your body shook as you let out a sob. 

The freshly made cuts stung, and they became itchy. You position the knife along your arm again, pressing down and cutting through the flesh again.

It hurt

But what hurt more was your heart.

Blood flowed down your arm, trickling onto your bathroom floor.

The phone rang.

Over and over again.

It only made you cry harder.

You grip the knife tighter, your knuckles turning white.

Your free hand goes up to grip your hair. Yanking violently on the strands.

I don't want to be here anymore.

You let go of your hair, holding your injured arm out on your lap. Knife on the other hand.

I don't wanna be here.

You repeated like a mantra in your head.

You hear your name being called, but you ignore it completely. You feel strange and out of it. You stare blankly at your arm.

 The pants you wore; were now covered in crimson liquid.

The door to your bathroom is pushed open, you remain unmoving. Not even flinching at the abrupt sound. Or looking toward the direction of the door.

(First person)

''Y/N! Why aren't you answering my calls-''

I hear his breath hitch, and a silent gasp escaping his mouth. No doubt at the sight laid before him.

He runs over to my spot on the floor.

''what are you doing?''

He's now in front of me, I finally look up at him.

He looks scared?

Genuinely horrified and worried.

''why are you doing this to yourself?'' He gently reaches forward to grab my arm; he lets out a shaky gasp at the sight. I couldn't help but cry. I felt ashamed and embarrassed.

Bill quickly gets up, grabbing the hand towel from the sink. He comes back, placing it on my arm. Pressing the fabric onto the deep wounds. I let out another sob. Bill looks back up at my face, then at the knife I was currently holding in my other hand.

He slowly takes it from my hand. He places the knife behind him on the floor.

''Bill!'' I cry out.

''I'm here Y/N, im here.'' He said reassuringly. He guides my head to his chest, scooting closer to me. I was now in between his open legs.

He buries his head into the crook of my neck.

''I'm tired of all of it,'' Hot tears fell out of my eyes.

''It's okay, everything is okay now.'' He said. It sounded like he was saying it more to himself.

He rubs my back, comforting me.

''I don't want to be here anymore!'' I cried out.

''Don't say things like that you don't mean them.''

''But I do-'' I pull my head back to look him in the face.

He was crying, and I felt horrible about it.

"I'm here now, we'll get through this together okay?'' He asked pleadingly.

I nod my head profusely, ''okay.''

He uncovers my arm from the towel. The cuts had swollen up. And the towel was soaked in blood, my blood. He raises my arm to his face.

He presses soft, feather-light kisses to my wounds, I try to pull my arm away, but he holds on tighter. He softly kissed each one and then looked back up at me.

 And I can see the sadness in his almond eyes.

''I love you, Y/n and i care''

''I love you too, bill'' My voice sounded hoarse.

He leans his forehead on mine and closes his eyes. He wraps his arms around me, hugging me tightly. I hug him back with my uninjured arm.

And I knew just then that he needed me just as I needed him.

He pulls away and stares at me. He wipes a tear that has rolled down my cheek with his thumb.

''I love you.'' He said again, this time with so much sureness.

I giggle at him. ''I love you too, Bill.''

He smiles at me. Even with tears streaming down his face, his smile still looked beautiful.

He cradles my head with his hands. He leaned his face close to mine, leaving an inch of distance between us. His warm breath fanned my face.

''I love you so fucken much.'' Bill sighs out.

I couldn't help but smile.

''I love you a whole lot too, Bill.''

He grins at me. He presses his lips onto mine softly. Our lips begin to move in sync. The kiss had so much emotion seeping out from it. I could taste his salty tears, and I'm sure he could taste mine too.

  But at that moment, nothing else mattered. It was just him and I.

''Ich liebe dich'' He murmured on my lips. I wasn't sure what he said but on instinct, I said, ''Te amo mucho tambien''

He finally pulls away, letting go of his hold on my face.

I smile up at his face.

''I'm still mad at you, missy.'' he playfully crosses his arms over his chest. Giving a slight frown.

I playfully roll my eyes at him.

''You have every right to be'' I say.

This was him trying to be and i quote ''mad at me''. Honestly he did an awful job at doing so.

''I know i do'' He frowns deeper.

I wanted to pinch his cheeks, but I restrained myself from doing so. he didn't exactly like when I did that.

''I need to get those bandaged up,'' He points to my arm. I look at my arm and frown. I was beginning to bleed again.

'' There's a first-aid kit under the sink,'' I point to the sink.

He nods, quickly getting up and opening the cabinet under the sink.

He takes out the red box. kicking the cabinets shut, and walks over to me.

"Take a seat on the toilet'' He motions to the toilet; the lid is closed.

I tried to stand up on my own but my legs felt wobbly. Bill helps me seat myself on the toilet.

He opens the first-aid kit, and he takes out an antisceptic wipe from the box, wiping my cuts with it.

I take a sharp intake of air, earning Bill's attention. He looks at me, ''Are you okay?'' He asks worriedly.

''Yeah I'm fine it just stings a little''

He nods at me, cleaning the area much slower. After he throws the used antiseptic wipe into the trash bin.

Next, he pulls out a cream, he squeezes a bit out onto his index finger and rubs it onto the cuts. 

The cream felt fresh on my wound. He drops the cream back into the first-aid, then takes out some appendages. He lifts my arm and begins to wrap the appendage around my arm. He secures it with a metal clip. He places the bandage roll back into the first-aid. He shuts the kit and puts it back under the sink.

I raise my arm in front of me examining it.

He did pretty well  I thought

''Ever considered being a doctor?' I teasingly say.

His eyes slightly widen. He shakes his head at me. ''Uh, no thank you, I can't take the sight of blood, it freaks me out'' He looks down to the poodle of blood on the floor and shudders then looks at me.

''I'm sorry'' I gave him an apologetic smile.

"It's fine, I'd perform brain surgery for you if I had to''

I giggle at that, ''what about a heart surgery?''

He gasps,''that's too far, Y/N''

''Sorry.'' I laugh out, and he joins in too.

He kneels in front of me, holding both my hands in his.

I look at our hands, then back at his face.

''Don't ever do this again, Y/N. It scared the shit out of me'' His eyes looked into mine pleadingly.

''I won't, I promise,'' I assure him.

''And if you ever feel you want to,'' He gestures to my arm, ''Talk to me first, I want you to tell me what's wrong. I want to be there for you.''

I nod at him.

''Im here for you Y/N'' He repeats.

''Thanks, Bill'' I smile down at him. ''I'm here for you too.''

He smiles up at me. His smile filled my heart with warmth.

At that moment, I realized he was my person and I was his.

© Mitsukiwa 2023-Do not copy,post or translate my work anywhere.

#bill kaulitz x reader #bill kaulitz #bill kaulitz x female reader #bill kaulitz x you #tokio hotel #tokio hotel fanfic #georg listing

[jisungsdaydreamer]

ending scene | y.ji

Synopsis: You loved him so much that you let him go. Pairing: Yang Jeongin x fem!reader Genre: angst, hurt/no comfort Warnings: emotional break-up, couple doesn't get a happy ending together Word Count: 1.4k

I recommend listening to "Scott Street" by Phoebe Bridgers while reading this.

Exactly two months ago, you promised Jeongin that you would never have any regrets when it comes to looking back at him. You both had been curled up together in his little bay window, him patiently humming to himself while you sketched an inky heart on his pale wrist. It had always been like that between you two, happy and idyllic without a care in your world. And that world perpetually looked like sunny days and the dimpled smile that never strayed from Jeongin’s lips.

If you tried hard enough, maybe you could delude yourself into believing that everything is still the same. Even now, as he pushes your luggage for you, leading the way, you can smell his coconut shampoo wafting into your space and invading your sense of reality. If you closed your eyes, you think you could imagine that you both are at some kind of carnival, lost in a different crowd of giddy thrill-seekers and not harried travelers. 

But you’re void of anything right now, even false hopes, as you listlessly haunt the cramped aisles of the airport. The lightweight legs of your sweatpants seem to weigh you down like quicksand, your shirt pooling sadly at the length of your thighs; you hadn’t even bothered to put any thought into your outfit, like you usually do. There was no point, anyway.

“Okay, do you remember everything I told you?” Jeongin turns back to look at you, the tension rigid in his broad shoulders. “Once you board the plane, make sure to get some sleep and don’t watch movies the whole time.”

You sigh, taking your boarding pass from Jeongin and crossing your arms, hugging yourself for warmth even though you’re already swaddled in the sweatshirt you stole from him. “I can take care of myself, you know. You aren’t going to be there with me anymore.”

The hurt is written all over his face, and in turn, it wounds you to be the harbinger of it. But anything is better than waking up to the truth when you’re thousands of miles away from him, all the way on the other side of the world. Sharing sorrow right now is better than suffering alone, you repeat to yourself like a terrible mantra.

And it feels wrong to be the one looking into the brutal clutches of reality; you were always the daydreamer of your merry twosome, and Jeongin the one who always admired your wandering mind. You both had thought it would always be like that, the storyteller paired with her lovestruck muse. 

But you’re also the one who’s walking away, no matter how vastly the decision remains as something that was not yours to begin with. You didn’t think that this story would end like this, so soon and so terribly. 

“We’re still young,” Jeongin murmurs, cupping your face in his large palms, his lips ghosting over yours. You hate how much you’ve missed the feeling of it, even though it’s been barely minutes since he had done the same before kissing you as he helped you out of the taxi. “We’ll call everyday. And I’ll save up so I can move to be with you.”

You pull Jeongin’s hands off of you, harsher than you like, a complete contrast to how gentle he’s been with you for the years you’ve known and longed for each other. You don’t let go of him, grasping his arms to keep them at his sides, and he looks down at you with a mixture of both confusion and sadness.

Swallowing the tears that choke your throat, you inhale and rub slow circles on the backside of Jeongin’s left hand, more to calm yourself down than to console him. “Exactly. We’re still young. We still have our whole lives ahead of us, Jeongin. I’ll only hold you back.”

And you recognize Jeongin’s subsequent reaction to your words, because it’s the very emotion that you’ve felt the entirety of your adolescence: anger. There’s more to it; frustration, denial, desperation— everything that can encapsulate how trapped you’ve been in your own life, the ugliness below the fairytale you concocted for yourself. 

“What are you talking about? You won’t be holding me back.” Jeongin rears back from you, eyes flashing with the certainty of every other eighteen year-old madly in love. “Don’t say things like that.”

You close your eyes, heart hanging heavier than the moon you gazed at last night while you lay in your bed, sleepless. “But I will. And you’re already saying you want to move. How can you say that so surely? How can you not think of your own future? Of your dreams?”

Jeongin looks stunned by your insistence, but the doubt swirling in the depths of his eyes tells you he knows. “Because I love you.”

The tears that have been threatening to spill finally drip down your skin, tracing your cheeks down to your jaw. “And I love you, so much. But I need you to choose yourself. I couldn’t live with myself if you didn’t.”

He shakes his head, the defiance evident in his glistening eyes. “No. No. Why are you saying this?”

“Because this is going to be the last time I see you,” you whisper into his ear, cradling his neck and pulling him into a tight embrace. “You are one of the only things in my life that has ever felt right to me. I don’t want it to turn into a lie.”

“Don’t go, please. Not like this,” Jeongin pleads, and you almost melt— almost. As much as you hate to admit it, the resolve in your heart is stronger than anything else. You love him so much that you know you have to let him go.

“I’m so incredibly jealous of the girl who you’ll fall in love with after me. I hate her already,” you laugh dryly, even though it isn’t funny.

Jeongin sniffles, rubbing haphazardly at his nose. “There isn’t going to be another girl. I’ll always love you.”

The tears begin to blur your vision as you stand on your toes to place one last kiss on Jeongin’s beautiful lips. “I guess we’ll see. Stay smiling for me, okay?”

He doesn’t say anything, frozen where he stands, both in disbelief and sorrow. You see the denial in his gorgeous eyes, as if he doesn’t truly accept that you’re leaving yet. But he will, soon enough, so you don’t say anything more, grabbing the handle of your suitcase and turning to leave. He doesn’t call out to you, and you don’t look back. You fear that you won’t be able to move any further if you do. And as you now sit in your cramped seat in the unceremonious economy section, you know that you’ve upheld your original promise. You don’t regret loving Jeongin, no matter how fiercely it feels like your heart beats in your chest, how deep that pain cuts into you. Your time with him is a part of you, a girl full of wishes, dreams, and hopes. Loving him has made you who you are.

From the moment you set eyes on him, years ago, you wanted to be his. You had thought that longing had finally, finally been quenched when Jeongin kissed you for the first time, but now you realize that it’s still there, a keepsake of your love. 

You still haven’t come to terms with how sometimes, life just doesn’t go the way you endlessly pray for it to. You so badly want to stay in that bubble with your first love so that he’ll be your last too. But you know that most likely, that will not manifest outside of your imagination. What really will happen is that you’ll move on and grow older. You’ll fall in love once more and get your heart broken again. You’ll become a wife, a mother. You’ll achieve your goals, dare to do what you’ve always dreamed of. 

As the plane starts to pull out onto the runway, you can swear you see Jeongin waving from the shaded glass expanse of the airport. You lift your hand to wave back, but his figure becomes marred by the hazy twilight rays that soon envelope the aircraft, before it disappears altogether Your arm falls back to your side and you turn away from the window, attempting to remember the already fading outline of your lover and the glittering city that was once home to the both of you. 

You can feel it all slipping away; the days biking through the tulip-lined streets and the nights sneaking out to rendezvous behind the local grocery store. The midnights when he slowly traced your lips with his fingers, and the afternoons in which you wrote your name on his back with your own.  Soon, these memories will be nothing but a speck in your heart, another one of the stories that you’ll narrate to those in your future who are willing to listen. Your husband, your daughter. 

You might forget the intricacy of the details, from his very name to the flavors at the ice cream parlor you went to on your first date. But you know you’ll never forget this, the ending of a chapter in your life that right now, feels more bitter than sweet. You’ll never forget how beyond the future that lays in wait for the both of you, you were once just a young girl who loved and was loved. 

«GENERAL M.LIST» · «NAVIGATION» · «TALK TO ME» 

AUTHOR'S NOTE My mom, dad, and I are planning my little sister's sixteenth birthday party and her bias is Jeongin, so here's an early birthday present! Procrastinating on studying for finals by posting this quick drabble, check! Jisungsdaydreamer is in her active era when she shouldn't be... all my fellow students doing okay? Only a few more days and the exam season will be over and we will have holiday break! 화이팅! 🌨️☃️❄️ -Dreamy

TAGLIST @hamburgers101 @chansburgah @ajxreads @hash2013 @pixigreen @ana-marais98 @ohish  @chizumiyoshi @lilydaisyyy @jetblackbelle @yeahhspider @army-stay-noel @143hyunes @httphans @ave-221 @nyasstars @beautifulmusicaddict-blog @xsw-void @queen-klarissa @ultimatestayandminoronce @sxlxna @chillseo @boomfrogg @hyunzerolv @browniebearr @hanniemylovelyquokka @sweetpickledjins @insertsomethingaboutanimehere @kylielovesu

NETWORK TAG  @k-films

©jisungsdaydreamer 2023 | All rights reserved. I do not condone translations or transfers of my work onto other platforms such as Wattpad, AO3, etc. Tumblr is my only platform. Acts of plagiarism are strictly prohibited.

#kpop imagines #skz au #kflixnet #k-labels #straykidsland #skz scenarios #stray kids imagine #stray kids x reader #skz x reader #stray kids #jeongin angst #jeongin x you #jeongin x y/n #skz angst #stray kids recs #stray kids angst #stray kids headcanons #stray kids x you #skz i.n #stray kids jeongin #skz x y/n #yang jeongin #skz imagines #straykids

[wrenwrights]

Konig Headcanons Part 7- Spicy October Texting

Oh my god! It's been forever since I've written anything, and this week has been nothing but terrible. Things at home got really bad for me, and my mother had to drive across several states and back just to pick me up and make sure I was safe.

I'm so far away from all of my friends now... I feel sad and just kinda burnt out, done. But that's okay, because I'm going to make things better and I'm going to make a better life for myself however I can.

First step: getting back into my writing.

Second step: unpack or commit a felony. I haven't decided yet, but looking at all my stuff, I'm leaning more toward felony.

Alright, enough said about that; I wanted to do something a little spicier for this headcanon since it's currently kinktober. I don't really write smut or naughty things, so this is good practice... and it feeds my addiction to this fictional man.

*Pssst! More HeadCanons Here!*

Now! To the headcanon!

***

Konig hated it when you were sent away on long missions. During the day he was fine; work around base kept Konig's mind occupied and off of how much he missed your smile. At night, when everything was still and quiet, was when Konig missed you most. In his bed, the empty space you had begun to occupy more and more only felt cold without you in it.

This mission had you away for a solid week, communication minimal and it left Konig feeling... heavy? Yeah, that was the best way he could put it. His heart felt heavy, his responsibilities felt heavy- even now, just laying in his cot, Konig felt as if gravity were slowly pressing down on him.

And then his phone lit up, casting his dorm with harsh blue light as your name appeared on the screen. At the sight, Konig's heart slammed into his chest. He fumbled for a moment; the sheets tangled around his calves as his large fingers slipped on the slick surface of his phone. Your message was simple:

Finally got a break. I miss you &lt;3

Konig's heart was racing as he stared at your message. He wasn't much of a texter, preferring to ignore his phone entirely most of the time, but this was a message from you. A little note from you to him that he held it close to his heart.

I miss you too, Liebling. Are you safe?

That was always on the back of Konig's mind whenever the two of you were separated. Like a mantra whenever a quiet moment arose his thoughts swarmed of you, "Are you safe?" "Who are you with?" "What if you needed something?"

The ping of Konig's phone brought him back to reality. His jaw dropped open at your reply:

Perfectly safe handsome. Finished up early and got a hotel for the night.

An image was attached to your reply: one of you on your knees atop a hotel bed, your hair wet from a shower, and an overly large button-up shirt (which Konig suspected was his) hanging over your shoulders.

God, you were so beautiful.

There was heat pooling in Konig's stomach as he let his imagination run wild for a moment. With his eyes closed, he could see that dingey hotel room behind you; he could smell the sweetness of your shampoo. He could feel your soft skin under his fingers, feel the way you shivered at his touch. Konig could hear your giggle in his ears as he imagined kissing that one sensitive spot on your neck. Your smile lighting up the room between kisses.

It didn't take long for Konig's sweats to feel tight, for his shirt to feel suffocating and hot. It was frustrating, you being so far away and out of reach. It was a tease.

Going to bed now. I'll see you tomorrow morning &lt;3

Oh, you were certainly going to see him, Konig would make sure of that. The moment your toes touched KorTac soil, you were his.

Come to my office for a debrief when you get home. That's an order.

He frowned at his message for a moment, thinking over his next move before replying:

Also, is that my shirt?

#konig call of duty #creative writing #fanfic #reblog #call of duty #konig cod #konig mw2 #konig x you #konig x reader #konig x y/n #writeblr #wrenwrights #spicy content #texting

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

phenomena-posting but its sad and long so readmore

idk if this sounds unhinged or like im projecting but last night i think i had some kind of psychic ptsd meltdown over my friend saint's death 2 years, i will try to explain.. All things considered, i don't know the exact day of their death, but i believe it was the night of august 6th 2021 because it was announced to all their friends the next day on the night of the 7th. And with stuff like that, people usually tell you as soon as they can. yesterday i wasnt really paying much attention to the date or anything & going about my day as normal but as night came on i started to feel so unbearably emotional, so lonely, i started crying and then it wldnt stop. Like for hours and hours it just kept escalating, i mean i am a very sad person in general so it wasn't too unusual except that usually i can calm myself after a while.. i was sitting there like doing deep breathing exercises and trying to repeat nice mantras to myself but the tears kept pouring out .. i tried going to bed early just to see if i could sleep it off but i lay awake ALL night tossing and turning. After a few hours of trying to sleep it finally dawned on me what day it was. this day last year i was at the bladee show/having a wild night in the city so i had plenty of distractions. but this year i was alone and i wonder if i was somehow picking up on the pain saint felt when they died, or the pain of others mourning them at this time of year. Not on some empath shit but i do believe the trauma of death can leave huge energetic scars on space & time. idk it could've very well just been my body remembering something that i was not consciously thinking about. many such cases.. once i realized what day it was i just tried to keep praying to saint and comforting the pain in their soul...(if thats a thing thats possible).. i still feel rancid from not sleeping and my eyes are like swollen shut but i guess i just hope tomorrow will be better ):

i miss my friend so much..honoring their memory is one of the only things that really keeps me going artistically, not gonna lie i really be getting no satisfaction or sense of accomplishment from it lately, the loneliness makes it hard to see a future but i know i cant give up because saint wouldn/t want that.. Oh how i miss my friend.

[findusinaweek]

Annotated Alexidas playlist, as inspired by @aeide and @ainulindaelynn. I don't organize or layout when writing or making art most of the time, but I do make playlists to keep myself on track. Beneath cut is explanations, headcanons, justifications. I finally got it to work.

Run Boy Run - Woodkid. Alexios leaving Sparta as a child, running for his life. 

Show Him The Ground - Iron and Wine. Boys learning to fight. Rethinking whether learning to fight makes you a strong individual: “Would it make you feel much better to show him the ground?”

Wage Wars Get Rich Die Handsome - The Mountain Goats. My inner mantra while writing Alexios.

Korinth - The Flight. Because Korinth is lifechanging for them. 

Ancient Kithera - Kalia Lyraki, Assasins Creed. I like to imagine things playing in the background while they go about their daily lives.

A Spartan Fight - The Flight, Assasin's Creed, Mike Georgiades. Just seems right. I am sure it is not what plays when they meet, but I cannot remember and title wise it makes sense in this order.

Blood Royal - The Mountain Goats. "I remembered you/ I remembered where you come from". Brasidas recognizing who Alexios is, as a Myrinne's son.

How I Get myself Killed - Indigo De Souza. "I need to be kicked/maybe fucked/maybe told I'm in the way./ This is probably how I get myself killed". Brasidas on meeting Alexios. He isn’t wrong. 

Braid - Perfume Genius. "Secret is braided/ In between". What made me write Braid. I wanted to explore the intimacy I heard in this song.

Brasidas - The Flight, Assasin's Creed, Mike Georgiades. Ya know. I just picture him smiling at Alexios. 

Ancient Celebration - Kalia Lyraki, Assasins Creed. More background music. I think they should drink together while this plays, share soft smiles at each other. 

Epitrotos & Iambos - Petros Tabouris, Panos Stefos. More background music.

cherubim - serpentwithfeet. I like to think of love and devotion, how they can twine together to make something so strong that it is a bit off-putting (the song being in a minor key). "I get to devote my life to him/I get to sing like the cherubim./ Boy every time I worship you/ My mouth is full of honey". Sure, there is innuendo, I wanted that. But the song is tense, while the lyrics are full of longing and praise. I think that is how Alexios feels about Brasidas.Not me listening on repeat and learning to draw dick for Alexidas. 

Procession of the Olympians - Michael Levy. Background music.

An Angry Blade - Iron & Wine. "Who left you so?" and "You're an angry blade and you're brave but you are alone". Brasidas understands what it is to be a soldier, but he sees something in Alexios that he does not often see in other fighting men. He wants Alexios to let it go. It reminds him of Deimos.

A Happy Family - The Flight, Assasins Creed, Mike Georgiades. This is my favorite song on the ost! I wrote about it before, but I love the shift at 2:51. It's like Myrinne's theme, but...wrong? I like to read it as Alexios being unsure if a happy family is possible (I do not play him as forgiving his father, and if I can stand to continue after Amphipolis, he will not spare his sister. I need to play that at least once. Catharsis?). Can also be read as hopeful, determined to make a happy family possible. But I like drama and being sad.

Die 4 You -Perfume Genius. Alexios' devotion, love as something that pushes you offbalance. This a song apparently about erotic asphyxiation , so sure, maybe it's that too. I don't know.

Safe with Me - Soap&Skin. "No love can be safe with me". Alexios worries about whether it is possible to be good for a partner in a relationship. Whether he, with his job as a mistios and the cult at his back, can be safe for Brasidas. If he had a therapist, he’d probably worry about being too traumatized or something of the sort. But unfortunately, he only has Barnabas (who tries his best).

My Boy (Twin Fantasy) - Car Seat Headrest. "My boy/we don't see each other that much/ It'll take some time/ But sometime down the line/ We won't be alone". Alexidas pining. You know. When you are gay and long distance. As one does. 

Valley of the Two Kings - The Flight. Sparta stuff.

Alan - Perfume Genius. GUYS. GUYS. GUYS. This is it. THIS is what I think a good relationship looks like. This is everything I love about being in love. "Did you notice/ We sleep though the night./ Did you notice babe?/ Everything's all right". The joy and surprise of being queer and safe with someone you love. The utter shock at everything being ok. Feeling comfortable in your own skin. (Also I SAW Perfume Genius live and SAW Alan and hooo boy he has nice piano hands, good finger posture. I was entranced. I stared throught he strobe light at his fingers. It freaked out my ex. I do not have good finger posture. I get it, Mike Hadras. Your boyfriend is amazing. )

bless ur heart -serpentwithfeet. Arguably my favorite love song. Having a love that inspires others, that gives each other strength. Knowing you can be safe in that love? Alexios and Brasidas for each other. "Boy, whoever reads about how much I adore you/ I hope my words bring them something new". Being open about your love, having it become something that is passed on. Yeah. That’s some good shit. 

Something to Cry About - Daniel Rogers, Ensemble de Organographia. Background music, somewhat unsettling. As Herodotos tells you constantly: There is much to do, and many unknowns on the horizon.

Two Men In Love - The Irrepressibles. "Will you lay down your armor/ and be with me forever?". Well? Is that something they can ask of each other? Is love stronger than duty? Can you put both together? 

Forget About - Sibyelle Baiar. "You make me forget about/Past and pain". I think they are an island to each other. I think they are healing for each other. “You do me good”. 

Sparta- The Flight. Background music again. Good stuff. 

Wood Boy- serpentwithfeet. Alexios' thinking about bottoming. That’s it. 

Coast - Shannon Lay. OH wow, I have many thoughts about this song. I listen to this and picture Alexios thinking about how Deimos fought Brasidas at Pylos. "She came for you/ But now you're gone and I'm afraid for you, my friend". Alexios (and I) get weird about the sea: "Darling I am telling you I belong by the sea" for some reason (this is a reoccurring theme in my headcanons). He did not belong by the sea, he belonged by Brasidas side, but here we are. We are stuck at the coast. 

Bounty - Tiny Ruins. "Hey, I'm on the run/ Didn't I say I go where I want?" First verse is Alexios as a mistios. "Yeah, You're a wanted man/There's a bounty that keeps us/hand in hand". AU where Brasidas lives and also becomes a mistios.

Heal - Soap&Skin. I don't know, they talk out their traumas and get better together? "Do we heal?" And then they do get better! “Fear used to be near here/ But won’t be anymore/ I have no fear”. 

Lost in the Dark Forest of Questioning- Michael Levy. Background music that makes me think they get lost in thought together. Laying with his head in his lap, playing with each other’s hair, eating together. 

Age of Kings - The Mountain Goats. "Held you in my arms for the first time that day/ felt like god's anointed when you didn't push me away./Gold light shining on so many things/in the age of kings". Brasidas thinking of the first time he sleeps with Alexios. I think it means a lot to be mutually liked, to not have to portray Spartan ideals with a lover. Also Sparta has two kings, so...age of kings.

Historiography - The Mountain Goats. Loving despite everything going on. Cherishing time together. Not remembering all the details because you are together and you are in love and the world melts down into just the two of you.

The Woods - Daughter. Brasidas thinking about Alexios and his sister.

The Shores of Megaris- The Flight. Yup. Game music.

#Spotify #Alexidas playlist #Because I am so extra #This is a very late Brasideia 2023 post. It is also very late and I am so sleepy. I went over the limit this needs to be multiple posts.

[whatstruthgottodowithit]

Better Man

Fandom: RPF, American Musician, Elvis, Elvis Movie 2022

Pairing: Elvis Presley x Female Reader

Characters: Elvis Presley, Female Reader, Rusty (Reader’s Dog), Jerry Schilling, Charlie Hodge, Austin!Elvis 

Word Count: 2747 // Rating: Teen & Up

Summary:  And I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand, But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man

Tags/ Warnings: My Writing, Halloween Challenge, Writing Challenge, Songfics, Established Relationship, Elvis Movie, Elvis 2022, Breakups, Angst, Heartache, Cheating, Lying, Love, Kisses, Fighting, Toxic Relationship, Physical Altercation, Lisa-Marie Airplane, Elvis on Tour, Tours, Anger, Songfic, Lyrics, Crying, Grief, Lads when i tell u that this one broke me, Pls Cheer Yourself Up With Rusty The Dog, Better Man // Little Big Town

Notes:  This is part of my writing Challenge for Halloween 2022. All fics are based off of songs I love. The aim is to write one fic a day for 15 days straight. I’m doing a similar thing for Christmas but they will all be headcanons [requests welcome for that] Enjoy x  

15 DAYS OF SONGFICS FOR HALLOWEEN (OCT 15TH - OCT 31ST)

I couldn’t sleep. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling unable to switch off my mind. Memories swirled around inside my brain some hurtful, some happy, all a jumble of my life. I sat up rubbing my eyes. They burned now even though I had stopped crying long ago, running empty of tears. I climbed out of bed and walked through to the kitchen of my apartment though left the lights off not wanting to make my eyes hurt even further as I made myself a cup of tea. 

My dog, Rusty, danced around my feet excitedly, finally thinking I was out of my funk since I had been in my bedroom since the late afternoon, crying and refusing to leave. He was worried about me and though he didn’t know what was wrong he had stayed with me all day, cuddling into my side in an effort to help. 

I sighed and stroked behind his ears suddenly realising that I hadn’t fed him since breakfast, too distracted by my own problems. I grabbed a cup full of kibble from the bag and dropped it into his bowl watching as he dove in excitedly causing new wave of sadness hit me as I realised he hadn’t bothered me at all, putting his own needs behind my own. I must have really seemed just that big of a mess. 

I left him happily scoffing his food and made my way to the large window of my lounge which looked out over the city. I held the hot mug of tea in between my hands and took a sip. It stung my dry mouth but I didn’t really mind as it had been the first thing I’d drank in hours. I looked out at the view. The city was abuzz. Cars still weaved through the streets below. Alarms blared. Lights shone brightly in the inky black sky. It was the same as it had been 24 hours ago. 

Except it was different for me. Probably different for a lot of others too but I didn’t care about them. Not right now. 

‘You know you had to do it,’ a voice in the back of my mind said. I scoffed aloud. I had said that so many times before that it seemed like my mantra. 

It was right. 

Elvis and I had dated for a long time. I loved him with all of my heart. But we weren’t going to last. He didn’t know what he had when he had it so I had to get out. To save myself. 

The memory of the day I left flashed in my mind. 

I was sitting on the bed trying to summon the strength to get up off it. My bags were sitting at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me, begging me to come downstairs. But I was stuck on the spot. Elvis was sitting behind me, the silence between us deafening. 

‘Do you have to go?’ he asked after what felt like a year. His voice cracked, his throat sounding dry. I sighed. It had been a question I had been asking myself all day. Well, for longer than that.  ‘I can’t stay,’ I said. ‘But you want to,’ he countered standing up off the bed and coming around to kneel in front of me. He looked years older, looking up at me with wide eyes, tears brimming on the rim of them.  ‘I can’t,’ I said, my own tears spilling over.  ‘Why not?’ he said, ‘you love me right?’  ‘More than anything,’ I said sadly, my hand cupping his cheek gently.  ‘Isn’t that enough?’ he asked quietly.  ‘I wish it was,’ I sniffled. ‘You said,’ he said swallowing thickly, ‘you said that you love me more than anything-’ ‘I do!’ I said. ‘Then why can’t it be enough!? Why can’t we get over this,’ he said. ‘Because I love you enough to forgive you for everything that’s happened…but you don’t love me enough to change,’ I said honestly. Tears spilled over and rolled down his cheeks and I swiped my thumb across his cheek catching some of the dampness there. As he hung his head in shame it made my chest tighten a little.

‘Can you honestly say that you’ll never hurt me again? That some pretty girl won’t turn your head? That I’ll never have Jerry openly lie to me because he’s covering for you? That I’ll never have to force myself awake in the middle of the night just to check that you’re still breathing? That those damn pills ain’t taken you?’  ‘Y/N,’ he said sadly. ‘I’ve tried my best to keep this relationship afloat,’ I whispered, ‘can you honestly say the same?’ 

My heart felt like someone was squeezing it through my chest as I pulled away from the memory. That was one of the worst days of my life and yet I thought about it quite a bit. Mostly in the middle of the night like now. In the middle of the night when no one would know about it. Yet on those nights I didn’t just think of the bad stuff. The good often showed up too, like now, as another memory flashed through my brain. 

‘I really need to get up,’ I giggled. I was lying in bed. My head on Elvis’s shoulder as my fingers fiddled with the necklace he was wearing. His arms were wrapped around me, his lips pressed into my forehead though I could feel him smirk as he whispered, ‘now I don’t know about that.’ ‘Elvis,’ I said moving back so I could look at him, ‘I’ve got stuff to do.’ ‘Better than this?’ Elvis said capturing my chin in between his thumb and forefinger and leaning in to kiss me. It was soft and tender and full of love. It made my heart hammer in my chest. Then he was moving, rolling me over onto my back deepening the kiss as he rested on me gently.  ‘No,’ I whispered as he pulled back, ‘not at all but I gotta.’ ‘Stay with me,’ he said his blue eyes shining in the low light as he looked at me. I stroked his soft black hair gently.  ‘And why should I?’ I giggled.  ‘Because you love me,’ he said simply.  ‘Is that so?’ I said. He leaned and pressed a kiss to my lips.  ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘I’m right aren’t I?’ ‘More than anything,’ I said with a smile. Elvis leaned in and kissed me again, his hand stroking my face gently. I had a million things to do. Errands to run, clothes to pack for when we left tonight for a show, I had a hair appointment across town in 20 minutes. And yet, I didn’t want to move. I was happy here. 

I smiled at that memory. It was nice to remember him like that. That was what it was like for the most part. Until everything started to unravel. Until he got more and more unhappy. He’d take it out on me. We’d argue. He’d push me away, usually pulling some other woman close for the time being until he was ready to face whatever was going on. Sometimes he wouldn’t even talk to me about it. He’d sit and stew about it and then hours or days later he’d come back to me like nothing had happened throwing me for a loop. I didn’t know if that was better or worse than the fighting. 

We pulled up at the small airport on the edge of town. Having flown in yesterday morning we were leaving again a mere 24 hours later. Another day another city. I was tired. Last night had been an epic show, the crowd electric and Elvis a God amongst men. I’d seen the same show every night for the past ten days and every night it was better. I loved seeing him on that stage. Electrifying. Tantalising. 

Though this morning was a completely different kettle of fish. After the show, I’d been shepherded back to the hotel, alone, which had left me not knowing if I were coming or going. If I weren’t allowed to stick around it meant Elvis was up to something or something was up with me. When I returned to the room I sat up waiting for him to come back but he never did. Eventually, around 4 am, he entered the room and slipped into the bed beside me but before I could turn around and say anything to him he was snoring tuckered out from the show, what he’d been doing afterwards or something Dr Nick had no doubt cooked up for him to get him to drop off as soon as his head hit the pillow. 

And when I woke up he was gone. I sighed and climbed out of bed getting myself ready for the day. I grabbed my cases and headed downstairs handing them to the man loading them all up into the convoy of cars we had. That was the first time I clapped on eyes on him properly since the show last night. He was talking to Charlie, laughing about something, but his smile disappeared as he saw me causing a shiver to run down my spine. So I was right, it was me. The problem was I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. He was often like this. When he got annoyed he’d go moody and silent. Whoever it was directed at would either get a tongue lashing pretty soon after or they’d have to figure out what they’d done wrong which wasn’t always an easy task. 

I decided to ignore it. He was mid-conversation anyway and it wouldn’t seem that odd if I didn’t interrupt them. Instead, I headed around to where the girls from the sweet inspirations were waiting for our ride. We chatted for a bit before we were led out to our vehicles and I was forced to leave the girls and get into the car with Elvis and the boys. He allowed me to sit next to him, he even threw his arm behind me on the seat but it never touched my shoulders.

As we pulled up to the jet people clambered to get out of the car, allowing Elvis to lead us up to the jet. He did so, waving to the fans on the other side of the lot screaming for his attention, begging for one last look or wave before he departed their town. The boys and I followed each of them taking a seat on the jet but I stayed standing watching as Elvis headed down to the back of it and into the bedroom. 

After a moment, I took a deep breath and headed down to the bedroom, sliding the door open. He looked up as I came in, his jaw set before he turned back to where he was taking his shoes off. I lingered by the door, folding my arms across my chest. He didn’t pay any attention to me and I could feel anger bubbling in my stomach, a feeling that was becoming all too familiar to me. 

‘So are you going to tell me what I did or do I have to guess?’  ‘What?’ he said looking up at me with venom.  ‘Are you going to tell me why you’re acting like some petulant child? I mean I’m in trouble, right?’ I questioned, ‘for what I don’t know but I’m sure I am.’ ‘You don’t know?’ he scoffed standing up. He came towards me, his jaw tight and a sneer on his face.  ‘Honestly?’ I said stepping towards him so we were toe to toe, ‘it could be anything with you these days.’ ‘So I just imagined you and that guy did I?’ he spat. I went to reply but my mind was blank. ‘What are you talking about!?’  ‘Don’t pretend like you don’t know,’ he scoffed pulling back, ‘he was all over you! In the dressing room before the show, can I get you this, do you want me to do this for ya!’ ‘That’s his job!’ I screeched. I was sure everyone would be able to hear us now but I didn’t care.  ‘Oh yeah?’ he shouted, ‘was it his job to stand at the side of stage with you? Press his hand on the small of your back as he led you about? Whisper in your ear and make you laugh? Was that also his job?’  ‘We were talking about you! He was a fan of you! He was being nice!’ I said, ‘am I not allowed to speak to a man now? Is that it? Only you? No one but the great Elvis Presley can speak to me! I bet if we played that rule in reverse we’d have a problem, right? If you weren’t allowed to speak to any lil thing in a tight sweater or some cheap piece of ass calling by your hotel room!’

I was screaming now. I hated his jealousy. It tore at me, like claws in my gut every time. How could he doubt me? I loved him so much. He rushed towards me and grabbed me by the face pushing me so I was back against the wood-panelled wall. My heart hammered in my chest. He looked like he wanted to scream at me. Yell obscenities. Instead, he was formulating the words he wanted to say but I got there quicker. 

‘I love you,’ I said with a small sad smile though his grip was starting to hurt my face. He pulled back, letting my face out of his grasp. I dropped my gaze trying to stop the tears that had formed in my eyes from falling before I continued quietly, ‘I love you more than anything on this earth and the fact you think I would ever, ever, do that to you hurts me more than you could ever know.’ ‘I just…’ he sighed, ‘I’m out there playing a show and I look out and there you are laughing and joking with some guy. There could be 40,000 in that crowd and I wouldn’t care…so long as you were watching.’

He sat down on the bed rubbing the bridge of his nose and I moved towards him, walking between his legs and tilting his chin up so he’d look at me. He looked tired, deep bags were underneath his eyes and he looked paler than normal. 

‘I love you so much,’ I said, ‘I just need you to trust that a little more.’ ‘I do,’ he whispered, ‘I want to…it’s just I see you with guys like him and-’ ‘And nothing. Out of all the time we’ve been together has anyone ever turned my head?’ I said. He shook his head, ‘and that’s never gonna change. I love you.’ ‘I know,’ he said quietly.  ‘Good,’ I whispered, pulling his head into my torso and wrapping my arms around him. He clung to me as I stroked his hair, ‘because acting like this…it isn’t good for either of us. It’ll break us from the outside in.’ ‘I know,’ he said sadly. 

It hadn’t broken us. I had. 

I stopped letting him take me for granted. I left him working through the pain by clinging to the pride that I had done all I could. I had tried my best. That if he wanted me, loved me like he always told me he did he would’ve tried harder. Been a better man. 

But right now I didn’t want a better Elvis. I wanted my Elvis. The imperfect Elvis. The one that caused me no end of heartache but also no end of joy. I placed my cup of tea down on the windowsill and wrapped my arms around myself. If I held myself tight enough I could still feel him on my skin. I longed for that tonight. 

I longed for him to hold me. 

Cuddle me like he used to. 

Make the tears I was crying disappear. 

But he wasn’t here. I moved to my couch and dropped down into it with a hefty sigh. Grabbing the remote I clicked the TV on listening as the early morning news came on. I hadn’t realised how long I had been up. 

‘Good Morning and welcome to your local breakfast news. The date is August 17th 1977 and here are your headlines…’

As I said. The world was different for a lot of people today.

#my writing #elvis x reader #Elvis Movie #elvis presley #austin!elvis #austin!elvis x reader #Elvis Presley Fic #elvis presley x reader #angst #halloween writing challenge #better man #elvis fic #songfic #Halloween #halloween challenge

[originallandlockedmariner]

Old twaddle I need to reread...

Lately I have been anything but enjoyable to be around. Chalk it up to generic work/holiday/life stress, possible SAD, or bummed out about slim binge watching options… whatever the cause, I’m pissy and anti-fun lately. Sorry. I sat myself down and had an honest WTF is your problem chat. I’ll save you the tedious and lengthy list of all that is wrong with me, but I will share a wee bit of insight and outcome. Most of my recent assholitude is simply how I react to my environment. Mindset. So let’s right this ship. Now being a teacher I instinctively try to break shit down into bite size chunks, so they’re easier to remember. Plus I’m old and truth be told it helps me too. So… I made an acronym, a new mantra. Just something I can murmur to myself to stop being a burden on those around me. Stop being a pain in the ass and stop dragging in negative energy to barf it all over everyone else. C.H.I.N. U.P. Confident: trust in trust. Know without question and also be sure it’s all good. Living in fear is slow suicide. Happy: don’t feign it, be it. Stop believing narratives in your head. Be present. Smile. Independent: not absent or distant, but okay with doing your own shit. Follow your bliss. Let passion pull you. Nice: be grateful, be kind, let people know you appreciate them. Write notes, texts or just hug them and say thank you. Useful: have purpose. Help. Every little bit is needed. Shovel a neighbour's drive. Be a DD. Positive: choose to see the upside. It’s easy to get mired in the negative. Life is about choices. Make better ones. Give the benefit of the doubt. CHIN UP, Buttercup.

#me #reblog kinda #my words

[feministdolltrainer]

I forgot my mantea agin !!! It was one word or like towwo it's sooooo hard to rmeebr whne I'm very close 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕and like omgggg can I tell you like I love like edging for men better than edging for me like I edge bc men lobe when girls are dumb and when me look dumb and pathetic and edged out 💖💕💓💓💓💓💕💕💕💕so I edge for them 🥺🥺🥺 and like when I say I edge for myself it makes me feel soooo bad and sad and selfish 🥺🥺but linedgeinf for men is like look at me I can do things like im soo good at this and like it makes me feel happy to be dumb for men 😊😊😊😊

If I recall correctly, the last mantra you mentioned was "I don't cum", which seems on-brand for you. Edging makes you better for all of us to enjoy

#personal #feministdolltrainer #anon ask #anonymous #asks

[looosey]

Lessons from my first relationship: Setting Boundaries

Saur, when I was a wee child, I was on the competitive swim team in elementary school. I was not very good, in fact my sister was a gifted swimmer so I even knew that I wasn't too good. But the structure was pretty simple: you would show up, change, hop in the pool, and swim your required laps of whatever stroke. So I would swim, and sometimes it would be so physically taxing, so painful for my legs and arms, that in the middle of the laps I would cry. And hot tears would fill my goggles making it hard to see, but I would push through because I simply hadn't finished my required laps. I felt angry and sad directed both at anywhere: the nonchalant coach, the difficult water, my weak self, and at nowhere: nobody really was forcing me to do anything. And then I would finish the laps, practice would end, and I would just go about my day. I never complained to anybody. I didn't really see a problem. And I would show up to practice again later that week.

I thought about this on my walk to campus this afternoon, because I realized! That I am still the same Lucy, fifteen years later. No one is asking me to swim these damn laps but I just do, swimming in my own self pity for no-one else to see but me.

What I mean is! This relationship I'm in? Sometimes, I find it so difficult but I swallow it all up for months on end. For the viewer, she seems fine, swimming in her lane rather averagely if anything. But of course, she is fighting demons and you would know if it weren't for her goggles. The problem is however, that in a relationship, at least the partner should know, right? And here I have been, just swimming.

An hour ago, I learned a chinese word from my friend while walking home from dance today, in regards to the MIT workload. kè kǔ means hardworking, but the chinese characters literally mean to hold bitterness. She said although she was perhaps ignoring some boundaries that needed to be there, she generally valued the ability to push through difficult times. It's close to midnight but my friend has a whole lot of work to do before her midterm tomorrow morning.

kè kǔ

She has it. I know that I have it, and I do it. But I also know that the bitterness is eating me up from the inside. And that a relationship shouldn't feel like an unswimmable amount of laps.

When I let a little bit of the bitterness out, for the purposes of "healthy communication", it feels like black tar oozing out of my heart in controlled amounts, dirtying up the place just enough to let him know that something is wrong but not all that I hold within me: that would kill us. But tar is dirty, and I can't guarantee his response to it all, and I usually just feel just as hurt as before if not more.

I know vulnerability is good, but I felt vulnerable and just vulnerable, and I didn't feel any better afterwards. Just vulnerable.

Saur, what is the lesson here? Well, I want to acknowledge that I have been suffering in this relationship. With some ups and downs but pretty much for a couple months now. Obviously it wasn't always this way, and I had tried my best to not suffer, by communicating my needs pretty early, but they were obviously not met and I compromised for months just in order to get on with my life and because I still like this guy.

LOL I used to just repeat "forgive and forget" like a mantra, but I just forgot the specifics of what had made me really really sad... and otherwise stayed pretty sad LOL.

I also want to stop swimming in self pity. I want to be a student of getting myself out of this situation. Of becoming a person with boundaries! What is not-okay behavior? How can I recognize it and call it out immediately, and before I feel megahurt by it happening? What is an inappropriate amount of burden for me to be carrying in a relationship? And how do I make sure that I never carry this much again?

I want to stop letting bitterness build up within me. This causes cancer. And it's not a good thing to hate your partner so much.

So in general, some how I wish to look back on this part of my relationship, and realize gee I learned a lot about myself so I'm glad it happened. I'm also glad I made my way out of it, and that I learned how to be a confident but caring and nurturing person that knows what to do when your partner cannot be fixed or if the communication needs work and time.

Lupe always says that sometimes the skill is in finishing the task at hand. I tried to continue this relationship with pure grit for the last few months, but now I need to run on some wisdom.

#first relationship #relationship advice #dating advice #grit

[studentbyday]

day 15 // 100dop

on @diaryofastemstudent's suggestion, i'm finally testing out forest! i planted 5 trees today and i didn't have to use the app the whole day to focus 😊 hopefully i'll get more and more used to not looking at my phone and eventually not have to use the app at all anymore!

but...even though i was focusing better, i still didn't finish everything i wanted to today...which tbh makes me a bit sad and scared, even though my goals were probably unrealistic, because i have to go through all the material and understand all of it by the end of this week to give myself at least the minimum 3 days to review for the final 🙈🙈🙈

but there's still tomorrow, so- BUT STILL!!! i have a lab report (always takes me longer than i'd like to write it and make sure it makes sense), a quiz, an assignment, and 2 chapters + the tail end of a 3rd chapter to go through!!!

sigh. "somehow it'll work out okay" is quickly becoming my mantra 😅 i have no idea how but somehow it will.

I had to break up a really long section on liquid-vapor equilibrium into several pages. I'm almost done with that section, just need to finish notes on azeotropic mixtures and their graphs...somehow that really threw me for a loop.

Then I need to get through eutectics and Henry's law, and get through the last two chapters which...sorta seem to make more common sense??? I think??? I hope????

I have no idea how I made it through high school. That was a breeze compared to this 😩

update after some thought: i think it was in part because i had great teachers who always guided you through every step of the logic AND because i always had math in high school and chemistry has sm math so i guess it's much easier when you're not out of practice. i have not touched math since high school. so 🤷‍♀️

Day 9: What is your favourite song in your study playlist?

don't have an actual study playlist but lately i've been loving slow-ish bass-y lofi, the music in this study with me video, and studio ghibli music!

#photo from unsplash as always #100dop #100 days of productivity #stem academia #stemblr #chemblr #studyblr #stem student #chemistry #studio ghibli #study music #my neighbor totoro #subatomicstudychallenge #raise your hand if you're a sleepy tired scared student #✋

[breesays]

This will be our year --

Moving and transitioning and ending and searching. Spicy popcorn and texts just to check in. K.Flay and drawing with the right pens and making up words. Fizzy water and Lorde and ace community immersion. Thinking of the worst responses possible and keeping them to myself. Anna Banana workouts and binge reading and lemon gum trees. Yellowcard's "end" lasting exactly as long as my marriage. The Crane Wife and roles and relationships. Done lists over to-do lists and taking back nostalgia and seaweed snacks. The trivial and monumental, interwoven. Fall Out Boy's best album and again feeling like I NEED to be at certain shows. Hearing "Space" at WWWY. Watching lives fall apart and be stitched back together again. Realizing I have so many more questions than the ones I am asking - how can I be the next Barbara Walters? Planks and patio projects and tingling in my toes when the gummies hit just right. Facing the Instant Pot and failing a little but also making it work, a few times. Glass Animals and Goldfinger for Des and counterspace after the downstairs neighbors that gave me PTSD. Book club(s) and 6 pack of peaks and having friends to send sad text messages to. My 20-lb cat sleeping on my chest and framing mantras and having a few morning dance parties with Des. From "I made the mistake of reading your blog" to scrivener to hold my hand while we fall asleep. Booking The Warning and listening to Nosebleeds and feeling sleepy at The Hollywood Bowl during DCFC. To groupchats and moms club(s) and buying a dining table. Olivia Rodrigo and Paramore and Kesha and also wasn't 2008 a great year?

When I wrote this: It's my birthday. I'm celebrating but still also kind of mourning and my kid had a winter show today where he performed 3 songs from Grease (which is maybe the most I've ever seen of Grease) and it was the cutest thing I've ever seen and then got my friends into a show I didn't care to see but wanted to be out, doing something. I also knew there were words, sentences bubbling up inside of me. Eat a grilled cheese, talk about life, get home before you spill over. Too bad we couldn't find the warm floor of an abandoned basketball court to watch for shooting stars. In this smog? Well, we're optimists.

I've embarked on a personal project to go through all of my 3200+ LiveJournal entries. It's self-indulgent, I know. It's not without purpose. I'm writing a book about all the relationships I've navigated while not (really) knowing I'm Ace and I wanted to make sure I got the timeline and the sentiments correct. It's easy to be a badass in retrospect - but I don't want to lie to make myself look better. I've loved with my whole heart, with one ankle bearing the pressure of a door plenty of people had try to -end scene- me with.

Two things can be true? Actually, ten things can be true.

Can you believe how many lives we've already lived, inside of this one?

PJ already has 7000 words. He always said he said he felt small compared to me. The reason for his tall tales. I've been courted and carried and loved and weaved into the fabric of other beings and yet this shitbird from Missouri - he opens me up like its arterial. He's dead, and I'm still bleeding. I don't know what the LESSON is here. Worse - maybe there isn't one. Maybe I just feel bad until I feel better.

Overall, though - I guess this is progress. I'm feeling my feelings, even if they seem overdramatic, irrational. Future me is going to be back here, searching - so I give her this: You were sad. Your friend cup was overflowing and everyone wanted to celebrate with you, but you didn't have the energy (or money) to plan anything. You were going to a lot of shows. Reading like a fiend. Getting Desmond into OK Go. Forcing yourself to workout for the endorphins. You love where you live, in Studio City. The giant window, the patio, trees, the hummingbirds - the smallest things make the hugest impact. You have so much to look forward to.

Celebrate your friends birthdays because they are not guaranteed. Reach out, reach back, reach wherever and tell people that they matter. Spread your wings, take up space because this is it. This is it.

#breesays #writing #parenting #relationships

[hyenahunt]

Bogie Time: The Jeering of the Jesters - 16

Writer: Akira

Season: Summer

Characters: Hajime, Ibara

Proofreading: royalquintet (JP) & Sophie + Skyress (ENG)

Translation: nazunyan427 & haranami

Ibara: We are Team Snakey, after all… Yes, I believe I’ve learnt an important lesson from the rabbit I ran into in the undergrowth.

Hajime: ......

Ibara: Oh, I’m sorry for going on about myself. I’m prone to rambling — it’s a bad habit of mine.

Hajime: Oh, no problem. Everything you have to say is very interesting, Ibanyan. You’re not like any person I’ve ever interacted with before.

Ibara: Hm? Aren’t you on good terms with His Eminence Eichi? This is merely my personal opinion, but he seems rather self-centered; doesn’t he speak of things like this quite often?

Hajime: He doesn’t talk about work during tea club activities or in front of me in general.

Or no, that’s not it. It might be because everyone is too considerate to bring up that kind of topic in front of me.

It does make me feel a little sad. It’s not that I’m being treated like a hindrance or anything, but it does feel like I’m being treated a little like a child. Well, I suppose it’s their way of holding me dear.

Oh, I’m sorry! That sounded like I was complaining.

Ibara: Fufu. We won’t get anywhere, apologizing to each other like this.

But now that you’ve gracefully accepted my apology, I have no choice but to accept yours as well.

You’re quite the sly one, Jimenyan.

Hajime: That’s right. I… Good kids can be slyer than you’d think! ♪

Ibara: As far as mantras go, that’s better than “ill weeds grow apace.”

More importantly, the final five minigames are about to begin. Was there anything you wished to discuss with me before we begin?

There’s a chance that His Excellency and the others will employ some form of trickery, so it might be meaningless to begin devising a strategy…

But it’s a hundred times better to see your preparations go to waste than to lose and regret not having prepared at all.

Hajime: Yes! It looks like we’re on the same page, Ibanyan.

But before that, do you think I could apologize to you one more time?

Ibara: Hm? You tend to apologize quite often, I see. Whatever are you sorry for?

Hajime: During the first half, I got kind of carried away and ended up winning a lot… Even though you didn’t really want to stand out that much.

Ibara: Oh, that’s not a problem at all.

Our team did achieve victory, but we’re still a ways away from Team God in first place. Additionally, not participating at all would have attracted attention as well — and not of the pleasant variety.

It certainly wasn’t my intent to drag you down with me, letting people perceive you as unsuitable for variety shows simply because you tried to be mindful of my personal wishes.

Hajime: Haha. Even though at the start that wouldn’t have been a problem to you at all, Ibanyan.

Ibara: That’s correct. But, ultimately, I wasn’t able to become villainous enough to crush someone as sinless as you without qualm.

If you had been out of sight, I doubt I would have felt any guilt. However, circumstances being as they are, I ended up living with you for a while.

So it appears that I’ve been somewhat emotionally compromised. This is exactly why I’ve been trying to avoid these situations: the secret to pulling off evil deeds flawlessly is to be devoid of empathy.

…No, that was simply a baseless assumption I came up with.

If you wish to manipulate others well, and if you wish to commit wrongdoings, you must thoroughly understand your targets and gather information firsthand.

That is what I have learnt through this experience.

I think I’ve finally understood the reasoning behind a few of His Eminence Eichi’s actions that I previously found meaningless, such as the creation of our dorm-wide Circles.

All that’s left is for me to grow strong enough that I don’t drown in guilt when I send someone I empathize with to the depths of hell.

In the days to come, Ibara Saegusa will be a force to reckon with, indeed~ Do look forward to it.

Hajime: Haha. In that case, I’ll do my best not to get gobbled up by a big scary snake. ♪

Ibara: Heh. You’re still far from worthy of becoming my prey.

Little by little, let us grow and evolve together.

Fufu. It might be too early to say this, but thank you very much.

Due to your help, I was able to experience an abundance of fresh new things. It was a great honor to work with you.

Hajime: And the same goes for you. ♪

But, are you sure? Depending on how things unfold, you might end up regretting saying something like that to me. We could end up losing catastrophically, you know?

Ibara: Considering this is a variety show, that would be desirable in its own way.

I’m certainly no expert, but I can assure you that this isn’t like a test you’d do at school. Being diligent, chipping away at it little by little, isn’t necessarily the “right answer”.

Hajime: You really don’t seem to want to stand out too much, Ibanyan. In this case, proceeding with diligence and achieving results actually feels like the wrong answer.

Still. There’s just one thing I wanted to say, but I’ve been lost over whether I should or not.

I don’t know when I’ll get another chance to work alongside Eden of ES’s Big Three.

But if I don’t say anything, I’ll end up regretting it, so please let me just say it.

Ibara: Hm? What is it? You’re more than welcome to contact me though Hold Hands or such even after this is over, th—

Hajime: No, it’s something I have to say right now.

Um. You don’t want to be a laughingstock, right, Ibanyan?

And that’s why you hate variety shows and didn’t want to appear on one; plus why you didn’t want to stand out during Bogie Time so that you wouldn’t end up with this sort of work again.

Ibara: That’s correct.

Hajime: But, um. This might sound a little condescending me to say, but I don’t think it’s a good thing to be so passive. Or at least, it doesn’t seem like the kind of person that you are, Ibanyan.

Ibara: Well, I certainly can’t tell you that you don’t know the first thing about me… Are you going to continue?

Hajime: Yes. Not standing out means that nobody pays any attention to you.

I’ve experienced that before, and I know all too well just how painful and miserable it feels.

Ibara: Would you rather become a laughingstock than have people not recognize you at all?

Hajime: Yes. I would.

Hajime: Ibanyan, you were frustrated that someone important to you treated you like you didn’t exist, right?

But the result you’re going to end up with now is exactly that.

Ibara: ……

Hajime: I just think that would be a pity, or like, out of character for you.

Hajime: Ack, I can’t put it into words all that well, but I don’t like it.

Knowing that it hurts, but still having no choice but to continue.

But I know better now, thanks to what my seniors from Yumenosaki have taught me. If something awful ever happens again, I know how to get through it without tears this time.

Hiding away isn’t the only way to escape being made a laughingstock. The answer isn’t running away nor giving up in frustration.

It’s to get stronger, work harder, and achieve results―become someone so cool and adorable that nobody will be able to laugh derisively at you.

To become the best idol you can be and shine so brightly that everyone who sees you will have no choice but to sing your praises.

That might be a bit of a pipe dream, but I don’t want to keep running away. When things get tough, I want to challenge them head on.

Ibara: ……

…………

Hajime: After we held that performance that ended in tears, we ended up making it all the way to the semi-finals during DDD and wiped away those tears.

We used that frustration as a springboard to propel us forward and make us work harder.

There were some people who claimed it was just because our luck was good, or because we just happened to not go up against many powerful opponents, but we didn’t pay any attention to that.

It’s ten times better than nobody paying any attention to us at all.

When you achieve results, that’s something to take pride in, and that pride makes us stronger.

I know it’s probably rich of me to say all this to someone from ES’s Big Three...

But that’s why I want to try to win Bogie Time. Not just so that we don’t stand out—I want us to do our best so we can achieve results.

That way is a lot more positive and cooler, don’t you think?

Ibara: Indeed… No one can ridicule those who are cool, hm?

It’s as you say. Instead of crawling through the bushes, we ought to rear our heads and intimidate everyone around us.

We are Team Snakey, after all… Yes, I believe I’ve learnt an important lesson from the rabbit I ran into in the undergrowth.

Ibara: I was under the impression that snakes don’t yell. But that was quite amusing; let’s polish it up a bit and save it for later, shall we?

Hajime: All right! Let’s have a strategy meeting and think positively about what’s to come!

Ibara: That’s right — let us ensure that we reach a bright future, wherein no one can even think of laughing at us.

✦✦✦✦✦

← prev ✦ all ✦ next →

#ensemble stars #enstars #enstars translation #hajime shino #ibara saegusa #s: bogie time #era: !! #hyenahunttl

[glendover]

watch ghost files with me eps. 2

or watch the second episode with me <33

ALCATRAZ BABY

(you would think I know any of these places but my European ass could never I only know them through buzzfeed unsolved 💀)

actually the intro gives me ghostbusters vibes

who you gonna call? GHOST FILES!

(well that sounded way better in my head)

I mean Ryan you could always try and swim away

by daylight the island doesn’t even look that bad, I wouldn’t get spooked there

taking that back now that it’s dark 💀

bro I’m still not over the high quality of this show the budget must be so high

like good for them, I’m soooo happy

THE BLUEPRINT

the ‘the rock’ comment lmao

honestly the prison looks kinda fancy like okay

“… bc I hate myself.” It’s okay Ryan we all hate ourselves here

no shit Sherlock in the shower room you shower what a strange concept that is/j

can you imagine showering and then just getting stabbed to death, that must be one of the worst deaths frfr

showering with the ghosts <3

spirit box my beloved!!

why is the spirit box kinda working this time and not saying some random bullshit between plausible answers??

i don’t like the photo lmao, it’s really unsettling even if it were photoshopped

fondle the pod 😠

cell block tango or whatever

not Shane expecting sexy evidence 💀

“I don’t want to die.”

“And watch everyone you’ve ever loved die?” “How do you know I haven’t already done that?”

you know what maybe Ryan is the demon after all 😃

Bernard is trying, my man, give him some time

not the footsteps 😃

“World’s finest” - not the ghosts always trying to flirt with Ryan (I mean same but 💀)

not the ghost fucking with Ryan lmao

the disembodied voices tho

“yEaH 👺👺👺”

well if anyones scared then it’s you Ryan so I guess they are talking about you 🥴

now that’s a tragic love story

okay the blood licking kinda ruined it I’m taking back what I said

a jealous rage murder 👀👀

or maybe blinded by passion

“We’ve got a barber?” - why is that so funny to me 💀

purple faced fella!!

not Ryan being self aware that he will lose his mind as soon as he has to do solo investigations 💀

why is Ryan always oversharing before solo investigations

he be sitting there and suddenly he goes “I’m scared of seeing ghosts, I’m scared I die, I’m scared Shane will find me dead, I’m scared of the future.”

like baby girl calm down you’ll be fine

and Shane is in the building all sad boy hours bc he’s asking for ghosts to hang out with him but yet again no one showed up

you know what the sink face looks like? It’s this emoji 🤖

but also this guy

non of the ghosts are taking responsibility for what happened to that toilet - the silence is so loud lmao

Shane “ghost hunter” Madej: I do all of this to see historical sites without all the tourists

not someone screaming on Ryan’s solo investigation 💀

tho I have to say it sounded like a bird or something

not Shane predicting that Ryan is muttering his little mantra and then it cuts to Ryan muttering his mantra

AND THAT WAS ALCATRAZ

that’s now locked away in the ghost files

#ghost files #watch ghost files with me #ryan amd shane #ryan bergara #shane madej #ghoul boys

[beck-a-leck]

🧿what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

For the writing ask meme. I'm always fascinated by people's definitions of "success" etc when it comes to fanfic (since mine is "I finished writing it")

Okay time to finally get around to answering this after working all weekend!

🧿what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

Okay this is a really complicated answer and I'm not sure if i quite have the words to put this the way I want, so a lot of things about this might sound contradictory and I'm definitely going to ramble. But considering feelings are complex and often contradictory, I suppose that's to be expected.

The tl;dr is: I write for myself. I know I can't control other people. I don't let other people dictate my happiness. Share with low to no expectations, always be pleasantly surprised.

I think first and foremost, to not take things personally, I have learned over the years and through much experience, to divorce my sense of self-worth and accomplishment and overall happiness with Other People's Opinions. It's long been a mantra of mine to not let other people dictate my happiness, and that most certainly includes sharing creative projects in online spaces.

It has been a long learning process, and something I still regularly have to remind myself of, to separate my joy/fun/accomplishment/pride/enthusiasm and all of the other wonderfully positive feelings of creating something from how Other People respond to it. That's not to say I never feel disappointment and even sadness when something I thought might do better doesn't get the response and reactions I want. When I catch myself thinking that way, I acknowledge the disappointment, but then I remind myself of what I personally got from working on whatever it was.

Things like: I had fun making it. I got to learn something new. I tried out a new ship or trope, or perhaps revisited a favorite. I set a goal and accomplished it. I got to get the ideas in my head out onto paper and shared with the world.

Most simply put: I wrote for myself, and I like the end product, and that is Good Enough. Everything that comes after (comments, kudos, hits, chatting with people about it, etc) is just bonus.

(With obvious exceptions for requests/gift exchanges) For me, writing, or any creative hobby, can be a very selfish endeavor, because I'm writing the stories I want to read. I'm writing stories for my own entertainment. And yes, as contradictory as it may seem, I'm sharing stories because I also want to see how other people respond to them. I'm sharing because I want to feel good, and engage in a fandom community, and get that every so lovely hit of dopamine every time I see someone has interacted with my thing. But I do so always with the awareness that I am my first and most important audience. Again, everyone else is just Bonus.

And when it comes to the actual sharing process of writing, I try to keep in mind that I cannot control anybody else. I can't make people read my fics, I can't make them give me kudos, I can't make them leave a comment, or bookmark my fic, or come to my tumblr and say nice things. And everybody has so many different ways of expressing their opinions for something, that I can't even guarantee something as simple as a Kudos means the same to me as it does to them.

(I don't think Empathy is the right word I'm looking for, but it's the only one coming to mind, so...) but I always try to engage any disappoint I might have with Empathy and Logic for whatever idea of a Reader who might come across my story I have in my head. I'm fully aware that my story (and literally every story ever told) is not going to be for everybody, and therefore, not every person who sees it is going to have a positive (or any) reaction to it. For any number of reasons, they looked at my story and said 'no this isn't for me' and I cannot be mad or disappointed about that because I do the exact same thing. They might even click onto the story, read a good portion of it or all of it, get to the end and say 'actually, I didn't like this' and move on. Or hell, maybe they did like the story, maybe they loved it, but they didn't have the time/internet connection/mental or emotional energy/courage to leave a comment or hit the kudos or make a bookmark and that's okay too. Again, I cannot say I have not done the same thing. (and I have a much longer, more rambling rant about Obligations in Fandom, but we won't get into that here)

I always try to keep in mind that no matter what, any interaction is still one real life human being who saw something I did, and I try to put that into perspective. A fic only having a dozen hits can be disappointing, but at the same time, that's twelve whole people I can imagine standing in front of me and reading something I wrote. Which is actually a lot of people!

And because you brought up the measure of success, which is what this question is sort of getting at without saying the word... I don't know, I guess I don't tend to apply ideas of Success to my hobbies. At least not in the way of "Either it is a Success or it's a Failure." Writing is my hobby, and my hobby is supposed to be fun, not something I do for a grade or in competition. So I don't really think of it in that way.

I think in some way it circles back to Writing for Myself.

There's a part of me that is very at peace with the knowledge that if I never shared any of my stories from this day onward, I would still be happy writing. My writing folder is chock full of half-written stories that I likely won't finish, or ideas I had that only got to being a few hundred words of disconnected scenes and bits of dialogue, and even some stories that are 90% done, but I lost interest in the project and never finished it. But I don't look at those incomplete stories as failures, or even just on a very slow road to success. They served whatever purpose I needed them for, when I had an idea buzzing around my head, someday I might go back and finish them up and share them, but it's just as likely that they'll stay as they are, with only me to look at them.

I try to remove any pressures for myself when it comes to writing, because that is how it works best for me. When things become too pressing and guilt-laden, they stop being fun, I begin to feel burnt out, and when I don't have fun writing, I just don't write. It's my hobby, it's supposed to be fun, and when it stops being fun, then I know it's time to take a break. And, for me personally, setting arbitrary rules or deadlines, and adding unnecessary pressure is one of the fastest ways to kill the fun.

#replies #jake-marshall #ask box games #god this got really long and rambly