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#making the channel was a huge step and i can’t wait until i finally post a video
brownblackbeautiful · 3 years
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subscribe to my channel for ✨clear skin✨
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thefirsttree · 3 years
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A personal update + my next game
OK, time to do this. I’ve been meaning to do a big DAVID WEHLE™ update for a while now and explain why I haven’t released a new game yet, but you know how life gets in the way. Especially when life is a quarantine hellscape, you have three beautiful, amazing, exhausting kids to raise, a spouse’s job you support, a viral YouTube channel that turns your brain to mush, a thousand emails waiting in your inbox since your game is free on the Epic Games Store (with an impressive number of redemptions too! … meaning lots of emails and customer support issues), etc., etc. What also contributes to my lack of updates is because… I just don’t really like posting online. Fascinating correlation, I know!
Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a venting/ranting blog post (well, maybe a bit), because my life is seriously AMAZING and INSANELY BLESSED and LUCKY. I can’t believe how many dreams keep coming true, so much so that I feel I don’t deserve it and I really pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes… but I did want to at least be honest, because I owe that to myself.
Wow, where do I even begin? Well, how about we start with the reason I’m even a full-time indie game dev now: The First Tree. This small hobby project I worked on at night morphed into this gargantuan beast (or fox) that took over my life the past 5 years. Which is great! I’m living the dream! And yet, I really didn’t expect it to do as well as it did. At its core, my game is a slow-paced, sad walking simulator (ahem, I prefer the term “exploration game,” but you know what I mean) that somehow seemed to launch at the right time to the right audience. It resonated deeply with some of you, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I still get emails almost daily how my game changed their lives in some formative way. I’m beyond honored.
However, with that spotlight came criticism and demands from the ever-present, insatiable internet. I would randomly be surfing the gamedev subreddit trying to decompress, and I would see a comment by some rando saying how much I didn’t deserve my success, and how it was all one huge lucky fluke. And I believed them!
And to add to it, some devs considered me an indie marketing “guru”, which I was uncomfortable with. I worked hard to market my game every week, and after my GDC talk, people assumed marketing was my passion; the reason I got up every morning. Just to clarify… NO, I don’t like marketing, and I hate being the center of attention. I don’t like asking people for money and wishlists. But I did what was necessary because I was passionate about telling stories, and I wanted to give my story a fighting chance to be seen on the crowded pages of Steam.
So now, you’re probably wondering “well then David, why did you make fancy YouTube videos showing off your success? Not very modest if you ask me.” This honestly could be a long blog post all on its own, because my experience of putting myself in the spotlight and becoming a “content creator” is… complicated. It was an unusual step for me, especially since I never even showed my face online (as a game developer) until my GDC talk.
First off, I always wanted to teach and start a YouTube channel. I love video editing, especially since I’ve been doing it longer than making games! It’s a huge passion of mine. And teaching people who didn’t know they could make and finish games was a huge motivator (and it’s been so rewarding already). But the second reason is, I was scared. I was self-employed, and I was riding the success of a “huge lucky fluke” that would probably not happen again. I wanted to make sure I could provide for my amazing family, and give them food and health insurance and security in these tumultuous times. I was turning my lifelong passions and hobbies into a business, and it wasn’t as simple of a mental transition as I thought.
So, I went all in on YouTube and the accompanying online course called Game Dev Unlocked. I spent years editing the scripts and videos, and polishing them to a shine. At first, no one watched my videos, no one was buying… and in the blink of an eye, the YouTube algorithm picked up my main autobiographical video (“How Making Indie Games Changed My Life”), and I started getting 5,000 subscribers a day. Right now, I’m at 150,000 subs, which is still hard for me to believe. I always had a dream of earning 100k subs on YouTube, so I was pretty happy with the whole thing. Sales were OK, but mostly people didn’t want to buy the course. Then the emails came in…
Something you should know about me: I am a textbook “people pleaser,” and if someone asks for my help, I take it very seriously. If someone is mad at me, even if I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all I can think about, and it ruins my day. So, taking an onslaught of people begging for help and multiplying that by an impossible amount of people for my brain to truly comprehend thanks to the internet… and let’s just say it wasn’t a healthy mix.
I received thousands of emails from people who were begging me for some kind of reassurance that everything would be OK. That their dreams would come true too. And I wanted to help every single one of them. I went from a nobody working on a game for fun to becoming a spokesperson for the indie game dream. I couldn’t even get a shake from the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru without someone recognizing me and asking for game dev advice. And it didn’t stop there… I would get emails from suicidal kids asking for help, teenagers from Afghanistan asking me to get them out of their country, and on one occasion I received an email from a hopeful game developer in a war-torn country who had just experienced a bomb blowing up their neighboring village. His friends were dead, and he was hoping he could finish a game before he died too, and he needed my help. How do you say no to something like that? Didn’t I owe it to everyone because I was lucky with my hit game and I needed to “pay it forward”? (Something people constantly reminded me of)
And then to top it off, after you’ve given everything you’ve got to other people in need… you get hate mail in your inbox. You spend the whole day serving your children and strangers on the internet, then when the kids are finally asleep, you hit the bed to relax and take a look at your phone to decompress, and you randomly come across an angry gamer in your Twitter mentions telling you your game they got for free sucks, and that you took away a potentially great game from them and that your apology isn’t good enough.
Long story short, I went to a mental therapist for the first time in my life. I was broken trying to care for two toddlers and a new baby in a pandemic (which is very, very hard), taking care of my course students who gave me their hard-earned money and demanded results, and the countless people begging for help on the internet. I was this introverted, internet-lurker trying to take on the weight of the world. I was so tired and hurt that no one cared about me and my needs… only what I could do for them.
Quitting my day job and making this hobby my full-time job has stirred up… mixed emotions. This statement may disturb some of you, but I was definitely 100% happier when I had a full-time job and I was working on my game at night. I missed working with the amazing team at The VOID, working on Star Wars… back when the success of my game was this abstract thing I could only daydream about. Mostly, I was making my game for me with no outside expectations to pay the bills or satisfy the ever-demanding internet, and that brought me a lot of joy.
It’s not all doom and gloom though! I’m actually very happy now and in the best shape I’ve been since the pandemic started. I’ve had to confront my weaknesses and personality quirks, but I’m a better person for it (and I’m sure these issues would’ve come out eventually). I hired an awesome community manager for Game Dev Unlocked who is helping SO MUCH with the emails, I can’t even tell you the mental burden it alleviates. I even leased a co-working office to help separate work from my home, and that’s been a huge help too. I’ve decided to work with my old friends from The VOID on a cool, new VR experience. It will take me away from my projects a bit, but I’m ecstatic to work with a great team again (and not manage anything, whew).
These are all things I would’ve never guessed I needed, because I thought I knew myself pretty well… turns out I didn’t.
The reality is: running a business is HARD. Running it solo is even harder. You have to remember, I was burnt out on The First Tree well into the Steam release in 2017, but I kept working on it for 4 more years due to my fears of failing again and not earning enough money for my family.
So, I was wrestling with the age-old concept of commercialism and art. There was this dichotomy of doing whatever I wanted and being true to my vision (what most people assume the indie dev dream is like), and doing only what customers wanted to buy. This is something that has killed me with YouTube… in one specific instance, I was super excited to make the exact video I wanted to make. I loved every part of its creation, and I thought it had a message that would inspire everyone. I lovingly edited it over several weeks, posted it, and excitedly waited for the stats… and it was by far my worst performing video.
This is not a new problem. Even the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo was a commission forced upon him by the very violent Pope Julius II. My wife and I regularly talk about the fine balance between artistic integrity and commercialism, a problem she is very familiar with as an artist who constantly needs to balance what she wants to make with what the customer wants to hang up in their home.
For The First Tree, I was lucky. It was pretty much what I wanted to make (I had to compromise a lot of things of course), and it turned out millions of people wanted it too. Recently, I thought the safe business decision would be to do it all over again, so I started work on a spiritual successor to The First Tree (an idea that I may revisit one day since I do love the story idea). But that isn’t happening anytime soon. Trust me when I say I am now currently burnt out on animal exploration games.
So that realization left me with a question: what do I do next?
I’ve decided I need to make a game that I want to make, for me. It will be a bit different and I’m almost certain most fans of The First Tree will not love it… but it’s an idea that gets me super excited. It’s an idea that could help me fall in love with game development again.
A few more details: this game will be story-driven, first-person, and will use the Unreal Engine. That means development is gonna be slow going, because I have to learn a whole new tool. The “smart business” decision would be to make something quickly in Unity which I’m already familiar with… but I want to do this for me, and UE5 looks like a lot of fun. I’m also shooting for an early-ish release date so I avoid burn out and I keep the game short: I want to release it in Fall 2022, but knowing game development, it will probably take longer.
With the help of my therapist, I’ve also concluded that I’ve been too accessible on the internet and that my self-worth isn’t determined by the amount of people I try to help online. Of course, I love helping people and seeing them succeed, but I need to step back and focus on my family and myself. I will delete my social media apps on my phone (I will still post big updates occasionally) and stop responding to most emails, tweets, DMs, etc. It’s not that I’m ungrateful… in fact, if I don’t say thank you or at least acknowledge the incredibly nice people who share a sweet message about my game or want to tell me how I inspire them (still hard for me to believe, lol), I feel a ton of guilt… but I need to let that go. Please know I’m extremely grateful to all the fans who follow my work, so even if I don’t thank you directly, I truly mean it: thank you.
I will still post and stream occasionally on YouTube when I want to (and I still do live Q&A’s for my GDU students). The online course sales will help support my family as I work on a potentially risky game idea (and my new job will help alleviate the risk too). I’m gonna try one more marketing experiment and sell a mini-course soon (and add an Unreal section), and after that I’m done working on it. A gigantic thank you to the people who bought my course and are part of the amazing community, it has helped me and my family tremendously, and it’s inspiring seeing the games you make!
I’m a bit worried about the whole thing since this new game idea could flop, which could definitely affect my family. But a sappy, high-school yearbook quote is coming to mind…  I think it applies here: “A ship in harbor is safe—but that is not what ships are built for.”
Thanks for reading,
David
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sepublic · 3 years
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TOH deserves better
           Y’know what?
           Now that I’ve… Had time to really focus and think and process about the news for The Owl House and its shortened Season 3, now that I’ve really dealt with other things in my life, I’m…
           I’m angry. I’m genuinely MAD…
           The Owl House has always been a comfort show for me! It’s a show I’ve loved, its characters and worldbuilding and mystery is fascinating to me and it’s inspired me! When Season 1 ended... I was excited. I was prepared. I braced myself for the story that Dana Terrace and the writers intended to tell us. I knew we had at LEAST two more full seasons to go, based on Dana’s comment about a third season.
           Season 2 would’ve been a safe season in a sense. A season where we’re in the middle of the action, where we can get onto things that have been planned and set up; But at the same time, it’s not the final season! It’s not the end. There would’ve been an entire, full season, twenty or something episodes after that. I could’ve sat back and enjoyed Season 2 in all its entirety, as another phase of the story set in the middle, and when it was all said and done, I could speculate and hope and wish and think about this final third season; Assuming we wouldn’t even get a fourth!
           But no… NO, Season 3 is literally just. THREE episodes, each twice the normal length, so like six episodes; But still, it’s obvious with how it’s formatted into a trio that Season 3 will be less a season, and more the final battle and climax of the show, the culmination of everything else! Which means for all intents and purposes… Season 2 IS the final season of the show. That everything we want to see, we hope to see; It can only happen in Season 2, because Season 3 is the final battle in a sense.
           Warning: A LOT of text and upset ramblings below!!!
           And that deeply angers me. I’ve done the calculations and there are fourteen episodes we’re missing out on, due to Season 3 being cut down. Fourteen episodes to do any wide variety of things; To focus on side characters, to flesh out lore and plot. To extend and focus on character arcs, to introduce and establish things; Fourteen episodes to introduce, develop, and finish various arcs and smaller plots! There’s SO much to do in fourteen episodes, especially in regards to relationships, and even representation as we talk about Luz and Amity and everyone else!
           And out of NOWHERE, out of the blue- We don’t get that! Dana Terrace herself admitted on Twitter that she left in December to focus on the news. I’m not entirely sure on how production works, but I imagine she and the crew were working on Season 2A when they got this news… Which means they’re going to have to COMPLETELY rehaul and rehash their plans for Season 2B as a result. They’re going to have to hastily pull together and rush the arcs they had planned out, so it can lead up to Season 3.
           They expected fourteen episodes of development; And now they have to resolve that within the remaining ten or so episodes of Season 2, which is already jam-packed with the original plans. At this point, any criticisms for the show’s writing or pacing that might come later down the line… I can’t take it seriously in good faith. Not when I know how Disney just screwed over Dana and the crew so suddenly, so abruptly, so HUGELY. Season 2 was supposed to be the mid-point, and you KNOW there are a bunch of arcs and little plot points that will never see the light of day, or be rushed, to accommodate the change!
           And it really angers me. Season 3 would’ve been made after a lot of fandom response- So all you fans of the Detention Kids, who would’ve liked to see more of them? Season 3 would’ve been the time for Dana and the crew to throw the fandom a bone… EXCEPT, because it’s only three/six episodes, there’s no way the Detention Kids will get focus now. Not when there’s the actual climax of the show left. There’s no room to have fun, to focus on side characters or expand even more on pre-established ones. Fourteen episodes’ worth of kind, small little moments that stand out- Gone, down the drain, never to see the light of day to begin with!
           I just… Feel so BAD for Dana and the crew; Dana fought so hard for this story! Her roommate said that nobody wanted to see a story about an old witch and her young apprentice, and you know what, Dana FOUGHT for that story and got it for us! She had to deal with censors for Lumity, but she fought for that! Dana and the crew were EXCITED to tell us, they no doubt had so much planned and in store, you can tell from the tone of the Reddit AMA and the Charity Livestream, all of which were done months before Disney told Dana and the crew about Season 3 being downsized.
           And like… Dana herself said that she’s still down to do future Owl House content. If Disney asks her to –with pushback from fans- then yeah, she could do more! We might get an epilogue or sequel series… But that doesn’t change how the pacing of the show will be disrupted. How a lot of arcs will have to be prematurely rushed through and finished, instead of having the loving time taken to develop and appreciate them.
          Characters will be rushed through, we had FOURTEEN episodes taken from us! Characters like Belos or Kikimora, or Odalia and Alador, the antagonists- They’re not guaranteed to survive or make it past the end of Season 3, so even if we got more content post-S3, it wouldn’t really be able to remedy for their drastically-shortened screen time, unless through flashbacks or resurrection or whatever. Characters, arcs, development, all are being shafted here.
           And this ANGERS me! Like I said, The Owl House is my comfort show. I finished Season 1 with the full understanding that we weren’t even halfway through yet; We still had SO much more to do, so much more to see, amidst all of the wonders that Season 1 had provided! But now I feel cheated. I feel cheated, because sike! Actually you WERE halfway through, and that changes everything about the tone, the pacing, the setting of the show. Suddenly I’m already looking forward to and anticipating the end, because the end is DIRECTLY after Season 2; And I can’t enjoy it as much, because now I have that anxiety and dread as Season 2 ends that… THIS is the final, full, regular season.
           It was just supposed to be another season for me to enjoy, to further flesh out the show- And out of nowhere, I have to approach this with a sudden sense of finality, I’m forced to really appreciate it even further, because this is it! This is all we have left, when until then, I thought we had so much more! And it’s angering. It’s abrupt. Season 2 was in many ways supposed to be carefree and hands-off…
           But now, I have to approach it in an existential sense. With the full understanding that the show is essentially ENDING by this point, with each new episode, we’re on a timer now. We’ve lost the luxury of Season 1, that Season 2 would’ve had, if it was the midpoint in the series. And now I can’t enjoy things as much because just as quickly as I got these new arcs and characters and developments, I have to watch them be quickly wrapped up. 
          I barely even got them, I was looking forward to more of it, there should’ve been more, and then bam! It’s already done, just kidding! Like it was handed to me, and then abruptly torn out of my hands barely a few seconds later, after I’d anticipated an entire day alone with it.
           I hate this. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m disappointed. I had so much wonder and joy that this was only the beginning, but now it’s actually the ending! I had so much to look forward to, so much promised- And this show was doing well! It was SUCCESSFUL, Lumity brought a HUGE influx of popularity, and you know what? The show deserves that! 
          Not just for being good in general, but also- This is SUCH a huge step forward in representation, especially given how this is DISNEY of all channels… With Luz being a bisexual, ADHD, character of color! Amity fully being a lesbian ON-SCREEN, no censors, nothing held back, her crush treated and fully indulged the way a straight person’s would’ve been!
           The Owl House deserves so much for just that alone. So much attention, and it got attention, it was arguably at a peak because now so much fans are tuning in… And Disney, those paradoxical cowards, they decide to end it early!? I’m angry. I’m frustrated, I’m sad, I was told to expect more, to just enjoy myself in the moment, but now I have to readjust my sense and perception of everything in anticipation of a sudden end.
          And I’m sure that’s what Dana and the crew have to do as well, they were so excited, no doubt planting things in Season 2A to be resolved later in Season 3… But nope, now they have to rush it through and finish it in Season 2B, along with everything else they had planned! And they might have to cut out stuff from Season 2B, to make room for the ending of those pre-established arcs!
           It’s frustrating and clumsy and sudden, and it just… ANGERS ME! It makes me genuinely mad and frustrated, like I want to punch a wall… And I hate it! And a part of me hopes and wishes that if the fans really DO give enough of a backlash and demand, maybe Disney will change its mind. 
          If we say enough, ASAP, then maybe Disney will delay Season 2B so that Season 3 can be extended back to its proper length, allowing Dana and the crew to redo Season 2B as they originally intended. I’d be fine with waiting additional time, as much as the crew needs, to redo Season 2B with the understanding that they have that full third season back!
           I’d GLADLY, happily, let the crew take their time to redo Season 2B to its original glory and plans, to better set up a full Season 3! I’d let them take their time, I wouldn’t complain at all, I’d still watch! So Disney, go ahead, change your plans abruptly AGAIN, it’s not like you have no qualms screwing over this show or other content creators with this kind of back-and-forth, look at Matt Braly having to contend with True Colors being delayed and almost censored, only for the whole thing to be useless because the original episode was leaked anyway! He had to rush out the Season 3 intro, I’m betting this RIGHT now!
           But even if it was delayed, even if it was released early… It doesn’t change the actual show itself. It doesn’t change the actual story, just how it was presented- But the story itself, it remains intact. The Owl House doesn’t even get that. Brevity can be the soul of wit, but if you’re suddenly told out of nowhere to chop it down, it’s not gonna be the soul of anything. 
          It’s just… SO UNFAIR, and it makes me genuinely pissed off. Like, I could handle True Colors being delayed by the end of the day, because the show is otherwise the exact same- But TOH being so drastically reduced, abruptly shortened, I think that’s honestly objectively worse… So I braced myself for and adapted to one bad thing, and then got another thing even MORE terrible! Much more terrible, in fact- Amazing.
           I’m just… Tired and frustrated. Like it feels like I had this happy thing in my life and it was taken away from me, I can’t even have that, I can’t have the hope and anticipation for more, that’s it! It’s already done and gone! I knew I’d have to prepare for that eventually, but in a manner that felt fleshed-out and well-rounded, like I’d really had my time to enjoy and appreciate… But just kidding! It’s like a punch in the face, and it makes me honestly depressed and sad, and I kind of don’t know what to do besides… Ask for more, and hope?
          A part of me feels like the investment, the enjoyment, was lowkey all for nothing, meaningless and worthless, now that so much was cut down- And obviously it IS worth it, it always is! But in the moment of despair, I’m asking… Is that it? It was all for nothing, then… All that effort. All of that speculation and enjoyment and anticipation. 
          All you had look forward to, all of that emotion you put in- So much of it is going to be left unresolved because how the show was so enormously cut down. And now it makes me hesitant to invest in other shows, I’m afraid, in case they get cut down like this, in case my attention is punished and deprived for engaging with the material like that to begin with.
           As a viewer and someone who loves and enjoys media, I feel like there’s a trust that’s being breached, I can’t really rely or depend on things I enjoy to last or stay there, so why bother getting invested? Why put in the effort for fandom and content if it’s going to be gone like THAT, if all plans are thrown out the window, and all attention and feedback is meaningless! 
          What’s the point of showing that you love this, of expressing yourself, if you’re going to get even LESS than what you’d cautiously hoped for? Why hope at all? There’s this bitterness left inside of me, that you shouldn’t have bothered enjoying or getting invested, or pouring yourself into this, because in the end you weren’t going to get anything close to that.
           Which, fan content is ALWAYS valid! But it’s usually done to expand on stuff that’s already there… But if there was nothing there because it got pulled last second, then why bother? Why enjoy if it’s so brief? Why invest if the conclusion is so sudden and out of nowhere? Why care at all? And I know that shouldn’t change how I feel… 
          But with Infinity Train and Amphibia, I guess I really can’t count on anything, not even the mutual solidarity of numbers, to change a thing. So why hope for and ask for more and better? Why even enjoy what I have, knowing it’ll be cut off by itself in the future because the planned arcs were forcibly dropped? I can’t enjoy an episode as part of a larger story now, just a shorter one, and now there’s this pressure.
           Pressure, that’s it- A pressure on the show. A pressure on the writers and audience. To suddenly cram in and make the most of this time. Pressure on every Season 2 episode to go above and beyond to make up for the almost complete and utter lack of Season 3; Season 2 will practically have to carry the weight of TWO seasons on its back, two condensed into one! And it just… There’s so much pressure. No time to breathe or enjoy myself or relax, because now it’s all suddenly ending and fleeting in front of my eyes when I hadn’t done that, and now I go back and yell “Come back!” 
          I wish I’d enjoyed it more knowing it was already ending, but it’s too late. I wish I could’ve done something, but what could I have done? And I really did try to appreciate and cherish this to my ability, but I did so expecting more, as I should’ve- And now it feels I didn’t do enough. I feel cheated. Like the rug was pulled under me, that my effort was rendered naught and never enough no matter how hard I tried, the game is rigged.
           I’m frantic. I’m paranoid. I’m already having to say goodbye and brace myself for the end, when I expected at least another full year to unapologetically not have to worry about that, to just be in my zone and be myself and ENJOY… To not have to worry existentially like that. I can’t have that peace, I can’t have that longing, lasting fun. 
          I knew it’d come to an end, but now I can’t have the time to properly enjoy and relax and appreciate it, to truly live it out meaningfully and deliberately… I’m going to have to laser-focus now and put aside other things, because this thing is NOW and won’t last, unlike the rest; And in a way, that kind of rush and pressure, it just ends up paradoxically making the whole thing LESS fun, even!
          So in my attempts to appreciate and enjoy it more, I enjoy it less. It’s like a punch in the face in direct retaliation for getting invested and attached, for actually being connected to the story. I’m being punished for enjoying, for letting myself feel, so why ever bother with that, ever again? Why should I get attached? I’m just punished for that, so I won’t bother. I won’t put myself out there so even if it DOES see itself through, I won’t have been there for it from justified paranoia, and then I’ll miss out when it IS there. Like I can’t win, no matter what- So why participate?
          It doesn’t matter, it’s all useless. “It makes me happy”, well, maybe that’s no longer even a reason to do and make and enjoy things anymore, huh! And now I’m just… Bitterly putting it aside. Feeling like I should’ve known better, that at least I’m being more ‘mature’. I feel like Luz in the first episode, throwing her book away, her prized hyperfixation that invigorated and brought so much meaning to her… I feel like Luz, just almost apathetically, in resignation, throwing it into the trash while someone smiles and tells me it’s okay and good and I SHOULD have done that, actually!
           It’s making me tired and exhausted. I didn’t want to have to suddenly feel and deliberate over all of this, all at once, right now- But I feel I’d regret it even more if I DIDN’T do that, and then it ended, and the time and moment, the opportunity, it passed! It’s a frantic dread and paranoia that means I can’t appreciate and enjoy properly, because every little thing I so desperately claw at and prize and treasure, but also I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up, and…
          It lowkey makes me want to curl up and cry? And sob, because now that insecurity, that voice in the back of my head, it was RIGHT, I really should’ve listened to it to begin with, and not ever bothered! Don’t risk the trust in connecting with someone else’s story that’s still in process, only ever engage with stuff fully finished. 
          I can never enjoy that anticipation and hope now, of being along the ride for the journey, of just getting to look out the window and wonder; Not knowing the ending, but looking forward to it! And I can’t do that anymore, not when I’m afraid of the trip suddenly grinding to a screeching halt out of nowhere!
           But yeah, I’m just… I…
           …I’m sad. I’m angry, and now I’m sad. Depressed, outright, directly because of this, when otherwise I wouldn’t have been- And that’s painful and frustrating and makes me feel like I’m being tossed around a whirlwind, with no hope. No say or agency, just a constant bad hand I have to brace myself for. So all I can do is curl up and lie down and hope for the worst to be over, and never dare to be so ungrateful or greedy to ask or hope for more, for good things, just for the bad things to lessen or stop.
          In the end, it didn’t even matter, so I should just throw it all away, never try again; And everything I did beforehand, up until then, I’ll look back at it all, those fond and innocent memories, and I’ll look back with an eternal bitterness that will forever corrupt and scar those recollections. So even the past, which allegedly can never change, is ruined for me! The past never gets better, it only gets worse, so WHY… Why believe and hope, and love and live???
          I’m just a stupid fool for being so invested in this cartoon, in fiction, why don’t I just GROW UP and focus on REAL things that matter, huh?!? I really do feel like Luz genuinely thinking and resigning herself to the Reality Check camp, having that childlike passion and joy just whittled down and strangled, feeling it die out; Knowing it will, so just getting it over with and killing it now, before I have to mourn later.
          I shouldn’t ever put forth the trust in engaging with others’ stories, just my own because I at least have control there, I should just be alone and by myself with only my stories, and never get to connect with or experience companionship with others’ stories, ever again. Just build up my walls and hide and be alone and isolated as I’ve always been- It seems even with fiction or media, I’m STILL by myself! There’s an intimacy in reading and emotionally engaging with others’ stories, where other writers put a piece of themselves into that… Hoping others will read and respond and reciprocate, and feel the same!
           Well, maybe I shouldn’t put myself out there, either, in fears of being punished and cut off and whittled down like that! Why express myself, why be, why live? Why be invested into the soul of others, manifested in their own content, if it’ll never come to fruition, if my own soul will only hurt for connecting?! This is worse than a fave or a comfort character dying, because at least the integrity of the story itself remains and is worth it.
          There’s always the chance of a return or a revival or a flashback to appreciate, but THIS… This is real life. And it’s THE ending in the most abrupt and literal and tangible sense, of the media itself; An ending more powerful and harsh than any resolution to an arc. Because now NOTHING will ever be expected to come out from this, ever again- No new content, nothing else to enjoy. Media is like a fantasy, an escapism from real life, but even when I fully expected and accepted and saw the boundary and end between fantasy and reality… I still get punished with reality regardless! I can’t escape that real life because it WILL go out of its way to directly cut in and interfere, and ruin, what I love.
           So why escape? Why invested? Why love? Why should I ever feel comfort??? It’s all stupid. I’m stupid. Life is finite and it’s merely what’s directly in front of you, don’t dare to dream or imagine, or think or hope, just focus on what’s in front and get by and try to live… Or at least ‘survive’. Or ‘not die’, I guess.
          And now I resent real life even more for ruining this for me, when beforehand I could still like and appreciate it, even if I still needed some time away every now and then. So paradoxically, trying to get me to focus on real life, has made me detest it moreso! It’s that whole thing of don’t bother trying because you’ll just get punished for it, just passively wait and receive, don’t LIVE. Don’t stake initiative or agency.
          At least if a character dies, the universe and immersion is still intact, if not moreso because then you feel and become even MORE connected and get that emotional catharsis, everything up until then and after takes on a whole new meaning and appreciation; But if it ends in real life, the immersion is gone. The fantasy is permanently shattered, and now it’s all worthless in hindsight because you’re reminded that it was never real to begin with.
          And what little you DID get, is now ruined; And you’re not going to get anything else new, either! You can’t even KEEP things anymore… You’re just a bitter fool who’s going to get old and wither, look back, and become even MORE bitter and miserable. All of the emotion you felt, it’s been rendered worthless and meaningless, that connection once made… And I hate to see things ruined like that, so maybe don’t have things to begin with!
          I’m bitterly, enviously jealous of others who still manage to enjoy, because why are you still invested?! Why still keep trying, don’t you realize how pointless it is!? And now I’m just ruining that for them, I’m ruining THEM, in my own mind and heart and place in life. How can you still keep going!? So even that stuff they make, that fandom content that exists on its own more or less in a sense, even THAT is marred and ruined for me… And I feel like I’m internally ruining that for others, that makes me feel guilty as I loathe myself for being so awful, so why believe that I can be better? Why try to be better then?!
           I’m envious, because you guys still manage to cope and handle this in a realistic way, in a safe and mature manner. And anything others make, it’s just a cruel, cold reminder, a mockery even, of what I’ve lost, of my dashed and ruined hopes. And then I can’t bear to look at or even enjoy THAT, especially stuff made post-announcement, because you guys managed to keep making it anyway. And me, I didn’t, so what does that say about miserable old me? But then don’t make this about MYSELF…
          Seriously though, if you’re going to still enjoy and create, please do so! Don’t let this bitter fool stop you. Don’t let me hurt you. Just keep going out there and be yourself, me, I’ll… I’ll figure something out I guess? But yeah, that’s MY problem, not yours, those of you who keep creating anyway, you’re everything I admire and more! You’re all heroes in a sense, and I encourage and fully support you- If my ramblings make you hesitate or discourage you, then just throw them aside and disregard that! I’d never want to intrude or interrupt someone’s own expression, not when I mourn my own, that’s for sure!
           And y’know what? Other people who keep creating… You remind me that there IS hope. That there maybe is a point in going on and being invested, especially indie creators, because y’all have control and agency and take over what you make, and don’t have to depend or rely on, or fear, some gross corporation butting in and pulling the strings, threatening to revoke and take it all away! Thank you, I’m grateful, truly I am, I’m eternally indebted in a way I can never fully repay. Maybe I can try to make up for this by continuing to make my own things… So now this depressed, cynical rant, suddenly it takes a more hopeful turn as I write it, because of others!
           And now I’m thinking to myself… It IS worth it to connect. For those little moments of inspiration and joy and hope that others can instill. Thanks, you guys. Out of nowhere, you suddenly made it better for me, and kind of helped me overcome this depressive slump; And here I was, just thinking and resigning myself to the end! I guess it never really IS the end… And what I said about feeling like Luz, throwing away her beloved book and joy of her life? Well, she DID go back to grab that book, and in doing so, found love, found family, and happiness she couldn’t have anticipated beyond her wildest dreams!
           …Even so, wishful thinking aside, this has all been a whirlwind to me;
           I’m tired.
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teamfreewill2pointo · 3 years
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Sam’s Emotional Arc 1/3
I hated the finale immediately, but I’ve spent some time with it and talked to friends who loved it. I can see now what it was about, and I’ve come to appreciate the story they were trying to tell, even if I think it didn’t land right.
I’ve been told that my meta on this has helped other people come to terms with the finale, so I thought I’d compile it in one place from across various discord channels and twitter posts. If you are struggling with the finale, I hope it helps you.
Part of this actually started with a shit post. I was making a joke about Sam being psychic since he was scared of clowns when Dean died by one. I realized that may have been deliberate. I dug into the story more and now I’m convinced it was. Then I came across some excellent meta that fit with the themes I was finding and opened up the series even more for me.
Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.
Cas said it. Dean accepted it. Sam lived it. First, Sam’s journey. 
Clowns pop up in s15 before the barn scene. In 15.01, which was written by Dabb, Sam is injured by a clown. Castiel is able to save Sam and heal his injury. The clown keeps coming after Sam, with Sam having fight scenes with the clown, while others attack the other ghosts. The clown is kicking the shit out of Sam again, and Castiel saves him once more. Sam is unable to fight off the clown on his own both times.
They run until they are able to escape outside a magical barrier. Sam turns to the clown and says, “shut up”. 
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This is literally Sam running from his fears. On top of that, this isn’t just any clown, but the ghost of John Wayne Gacy, from an episode also written by Dabb.
Dean: A serial killer clown. I mean, this is, like, the best/worst thing that’s ever happened to you, you know, ‘cause you love serial killers, but – but you hate clowns.
Sam gets nervous and struggles with the lighter before he’s able to get rid of the clown, for now.
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I believe this is a metaphor for hunting in general: it’s both the best of Sam’s life and also the worst. The clowns symbolize his relationship with Dean.
Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie was co-written by Dabb (see the pattern?). Sam’s fear of clowns was known since season 2. In season 7, Dabb explored where this fear came from.
On the surface, Sam’s fear is just because he found them creepy, but the episode explains that they actually come from Sam’s fear of being left behind by Dean.
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This episode comes directly after an episode where Sam worried that Dean would get himself killed
Sam: Look... Dean, the thing is, tonight... It almost got you killed. Now, I don't care how you deal. I really, really don't. But just don't – don't get killed. Dean: I'll do what I can. Sam: Well, what's that supposed to mean? Dean: It means I'll do what I can. All right? You can shut up about it.
Sam is dealing with Hallucifer at this moment, but Hallucifer doesn’t really scare him. Losing Dean does.
Sam has a conversation with an employee about greatest fears.
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Recognize the actress? She came back for s15 in 15.06. I don’t believe this was a coincidence. 15.06 featured Castiel helping a parent find their lost child in a season that features Castiel worried about losing Jack. Through his experience with her, Castiel confronts his fears and doubts and then returns to join in the fight against God. [I’ll touch on Castiel’s journey more in his chapter]
Sam’s greatest fear is losing Dean. There’s a lot in the series about how Sam felt lonely and abandoned for much of his childhood. A whole episode, Just My Imagination, centers around this. Sam hated when Dean went off on hunts without him.
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source In The Chitters, Sam tells Dean how his fear of losing his family paralyzed him as child. It’s a story where an older brother dies and the younger brother never recovers from it until he’s able to lay him to rest (sound familiar???)
Sam: You know, whenever you and Dad used to leave me to go hunting, and I-and I wouldn’t hear from y’all for a while, I, um, I was always sure that some vamp or rugaru, or take your pick, I always figured one of them finally got ya. I tried to think what to do, you know, the next step to take. I was just lost. Dean: We came back, though, every time.
You might naturally think, “Wait a minute! Sam left Dean multiple times!” Honestly, this was something I had a huge issue with when watching through the show the first time. I didn’t understand Sam and hated him leaving Dean in s8. I was completely on Dean’s side at first. But, on multiple rewatches and talking to others, I’ve realized that when Sam left Dean, he was running from his fear. In this TV Guide interview, Jared perfectly sums up why Sam left in season 1; he couldn’t stand to see his family die. Dabb wrote Dark Side of the Moon along with a comic that explains why Sam left in detail. While the comic isn’t official canon, it shows Dabb’s thought process. In it, Sam sees his family as running towards a horrible end and can’t handle dealing with that.
Dean: So what are you gonna do? You're just gonna live some normal, apple pie life? Is that it? Sam: No. Not normal. Safe.
There are many more points in the series where we learn about Sam’s fear of Dean dying. This would be 3948573945 pages long if I wrote them all out, so I’m going to focus on the key moments that loop back to this ending, but there’s so much more there.
If you are struggling with this and need more, please let me know and I can do a deeper dive into that subject. We first see Sam’s inability to let Dean go in season 1 when Sam refuses to let Dean die in Faith.
Dean: You're not gonna let me die in peace, are you? Sam: I'm not gonna let you die, period. We're going.
Sam’s whole arc in s3 is him being unable to handle Dean dying. He wants to save Dean, but Dean won’t let himself be saved. This was what Gabriel was trying to teach him in Mystery Spot.
Trickster: This obsession to save Dean? The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other? Nothing good comes out of it. Just blood and pain. Dean's your weakness. And the bad guys know it, too. It's gonna be the death of you, Sam. Sometimes you just gotta let people go.
This is how Ruby gets under Sam’s skin and what gets him to start working with her. Everything Sam did was to save Dean. In s4, Sam’s arc is about him sacrificing himself in order to save Dean. He’s gutted from being unable to save Dean. In 4.12, Sam decides to drink demon blood in order to save Dean
Dean: [says that they will die early] Sam: Maybe we'll be different, Dean. Dean: What kind of Kool-Aid you drinking, man? Sammy, it ends bloody or sad. That's just the life. Sam: What if we could win?Dean: "Win"?Sam: If there was a way we could just...put an end to all of it.
When Sam breaks out of the panic room, he’s suicidal. He’s determined to save Dean with his life as the cost he’s willing to pay. He didn’t think he would survive killing Lilith. He was committing suicide in that moment. The reason why Sam is so willing to sacrifice himself in s5 is because he has low self esteem. He blames himself for everything that goes wrong. In Sam, Interrupted 5.11, also by Dabb, Sam has a breakdown under the weight of his guilt. He hates himself and he feels his rage is out of control. In season 6, we see soulless Sam and, unlike souled Sam, he has no rage. Yes, he’ll kill when necessary, but he’s not angry. It was Sam’s fear driving his rage. He felt out of control of his life and let it lead him down a dark path. In season 7, he sees Dean heading down a dark path and he feels helpless to stop it. He worries about dragging Dean down and tells Dean to let him go. But, at the same time, he’s developing coping techniques. He’s starting to face his fears. 
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And then Dean disappears and Sam completely falls apart. Sam didn’t have a healthy relationship with Amelia. They were two broken people clinging to each other. Sam and Dean struggle to reconnect after their time apart. There’s a lot of text addressing the horror of a partner dying and people trying to escape from it.
Mrs Holmes: He could see the end of my days were at hand, and... He had lived centuries all alone, but I don't think he could bear the thought of life without me. That's why he drove off that bridge. You must think I'm a monster.
In Hunteri Heroica written by GUESS WHO!?!? Sam finally acknowledges that he was living in a dream world with Amelia. He was running from his past. We see a flash back with Sam pressing on his scar, which he did to help himself distinguish fantasy from reality.
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The episode is about a man refusing to engage in reality and harming those around him. Sam has a big confrontation with him
Sam: Look, it can be nice living in a dream world. It can be great. I know that. And you can hide, and you can pretend... all the crap out there doesn't exist, but you can't do it forever because... eventually, whatever it is you're running from – it'll find you. [CASTIEL appears to be taking Sam’s words to heart.] It'll come along, and it'll punch you in the gut. And then... then you got to wake up, because if you don't, then trying to keep that dream alive will destroy you! It'll destroy everything!
Likewise, when Sam was with Jessica, he wasn’t honest about himself. He was hiding from his family and his past. Running to avoid pain. Sam is avoidant in general. Not just in his relationship with Dean. When he talks with Rowena in 13.12 Various & Sundry Villains about his fears of Lucifer, he admits that he could talk about it with Dean, but he can’t bring himself to.
Sam: I’ve seen it too. What he really looks like behind – behind whatever vessel. It… Yeah, still keeps me up at night. Rowena: How do you deal with it? Sam: I guess I don’t deal with it. Not really. I mean, I pushed it down and, um, the world kept almost ending, so I keep pushing it down, and I don’t know. [stammering] I really don’t talk about it, not even with Dean. I mean, I could. You know, he’d listen, but… That’s not something I really know how to share.
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In 15.20, Sam’s past is front and center. Literally. I know a lot of people found the Winchester family portrait odd and upsetting, but it symbolizes something I’ll get to in a bit. Instead of trying to avoid his grief, Sam has moments where he lets it wash over him. He goes and sits in the car. He’s no longer avoidant. He’s no longer running away. He’s letting his grief move through him. He’s literally sitting with it.
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Soulless Puppy pointed out that the characters emotional arcs is similar to DBT. Please look through their awesome meta here.
Personally, I see them as similar to the therapy I do called ACT. Both are forms of therapy where instead of fighting against them, you accept painful emotions and allow yourself to feel them. If you don’t do that work, then you can’t stop feeling them and your fears/ghosts will always haunt you.  In Swan Song, Chuck tells us that “Dean didn't want Cas to save him. Every part of him, every fiber he's got, wants to die, or find a way to bring Sam back. But he isn't gonna do either. Because he made a promise.”  In 15.20, Sam initially didn’t want to let Dean go. He’s been refusing to do this since season 1. When he’s separated from Dean he lives a fake life or destroys himself/the world trying to get Dean back. There’s a moment in 15.20 where Sam looks at Dean’s guns. He wants to commit suicide, but he makes the choice to live. For the time in Sam’s life, he let Dean go and lived with his pain. He no longer ran from it. After Swan Song, Dean was unable to let Sam go. He wanted him back. After Carry On, Sam is able to do what Dean couldn’t do. He lives a life outside of Dean. What’s more, Sam has reconciled himself with his past and his family. It’s clumsy and I wish it were better shown, but having the family portrait and their parents in heaven isn’t meant to excuse the way Sam and Dean were raised. In order to move past the trauma of his relationship with his parents, Sam fully integrates them into his life. In Lebanon, Sam was able to confront and forgive his father. In doing so, he can also forgive himself. Mary asks for forgiveness too, and he grants it to her. He doesn’t forget what happened, but he’s able to move forward and leave the intergenerational cycle of violence. He’s able to raise his son, Dean, the way his brother should have been raised.
Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.
Cas said it. Dean accepted it. Sam lived it.
I can see why people see Sam’s life after Dean as unhappy. I hated it so much because I saw it as horrible and sad the first time through. I had to sit with myself and my emotions first. I think it’s because we’ve been told by society that we have to get rid of our grief in order to be happy. The finale was showing us that it’s possible to do the opposite. [Personally I think it would’ve been better had they showed more overtly happy memories, but many of my friends saw this straight away] When I began therapy, one of the first things I learned was that there aren’t “negative” emotions. When working with our kids, we call them Big emotions. In DBT/ACT, all emotions are treated as normal and natural. Grief, anger, sadness, etc, these are all normal parts of the human existence. We don’t need to run from them in order to have happiness. We can live with them. As interstitial said in our chats, “you can't change the past, you can only change your relationship to it. To accept that your past contained both love and heartache, to miss it, but also know you can do better; that's actual recovery, as good as it gets.” As Soulless-Puppy explained to me, Sam lived in duality. Dean was dead, but Sam lived. Sam was happy, but he grieved. Dean was with him in the watch and the car and his son, but Dean also waited for him in heaven. I hated the finale the first time I saw it, then next watched it with my boyfriend who loved it. As we were watching together and discussing it, I realized that Dean’s death scene wasn’t just about him, but about the show itself. 
Dean promising Sam that he will be with Sam in Sam’s heart is also the show promising us that they will never leave it. That’s why Alex kept posting “The end has no end.” Just as Sam carried Dean with him in his heart, we will carry the show with us. I hope this helps. It’s a terrible thing to feel upset about an ending and thinking of the show this way, recognizing these patterns, is bringing me peace. I still have issues with how it was written, but now that I see what they were doing, I wish all the more that they had the chance to do it right. Please share your thoughts and experiences. I love hearing different opinions. Next up, Dean. Then Castiel.
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xpeachesncream · 3 years
Text
off the grid | one
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summary: it was as simple as swapping places with a stranger from across the world to get away from everything back home. that is - until you meet Jimin. things become more complicated as he unfolds a new chapter in your life that you were initially trying to avoid.
pairing: reader x pjm
genre: post-college au, christmas/holiday au | angst, fluff, smut (to come)
words: 3384
chapter warnings: cussing / mature language, slight flirting, nothin’ too cray
notes: as mentioned on ‘perfectly wrong,’ i tend to write short chapters, but that means there will be quite a few chapters ahead.
> series masterlist <
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The jetlag must have hit you bad because the sun is shining in brightly through the windows and it's about to be 1PM.
"Aw, fuck." You say to yourself as you sit up and rub your face to wake yourself up. You feel like you've been hit by a truck, but there was no way you were going to spend your day sleeping and getting yourself on track. Time is of the essence.
You head downstairs to the bathroom to wash up and start getting yourself ready for today. The TV is on a random channel while you toast yourself some bread to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You didn't feel too hungry, solely because you were more excited to get out there and try the local food.
As you finish up your sandwich, you start to make your way back upstairs to get into your outfit, but you suddenly stop when you hear a voice outside in the hallway. At first, it didn't cause any alarm because it sounded distant enough to make you think it wasn't coming towards your way. However, that quickly changes when the voice is right outside the door and is clear as day.
"Yo, Yana! Open up!" The knocks came suddenly on the door. You hesitated, wondering if Yana had also just left without giving anyone a heads up because who in the hell was this man pounding on her door at this time? The day barely started for you. "Yana! Come on! Quit playing around before I knock this door down myself!" You definitely didn't want that, so you cross your arms tightly near your chest as you walk to the door. You reach for the door handle to swing it open, revealing a somewhat flustered male standing in front of you with a huge tupperware of food in his hands.
"Uh, hi? Can I help you?"
"You're not.. Yana?" His eyebrows furrowed. He welcomes himself in, almost causing you to trip over yourself as you move aside, checking the bathroom and quickly glancing up and around the loft.
"Last time I checked, I sure wasn't." You shut the door and cross your arms tightly as you watch him stand there. You couldn't help but notice how attractive he was - standing at a good 5'9-5'10, fair skin, grey, ash-blonde hair that was parted down the middle, with some layers falling around the front of his face. His lips were pink and plump, and you couldn't help but gaze at his beautiful eyes, which for sure had grey tinted lenses in at the moment. You could see his resemblance to Yana. He seemed way too unreal though, in a good way. You quickly checked your appearance in the mirror through the bathroom, making sure your hair wasn't a mess or that you weren't a mess in general. But lo and behold, you were still in your Hello Kitty pajama shirt and shorts.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to barge in like that. I'm Yana's brother, Jimin. Park Jimin." He softly smiles at you and shows off his pearly whites, his hand on the nape of his neck as he quickly checks you out from head to toe. "Nice jammies."
"Well, I wasn't necessarily expecting an intrusion at this time." You wrap your arms around your chest to cover up Hello Kitty as much as you can.
"Right, sorry. She wasn't answering my calls or texts so I came over here to check on her, plus my mom asked me to bring this over. Any idea where she might be since you're apparently occupying her space now?"
"She didn't tell you anything?" His right eyebrow raises.
"No? Care to fill me in?"
"She put her loft up on a home exchange website, so we decided to swap homes for a bit. She's down at my apartment in California right n-"
"California? Since when? How long is she going to be there for?" He laughed a bit. "You're talking about my sister Yana, right? She doesn't go anywhere. She barely even leaves her house."
"I'm pretty sure we're talking about the same Yana." You pursed your lips into a fine line before chiming in again. "I just got here yesterday afternoon, so I'm sure she's still getting herself situated. We're switching back after Christmas."
"Why didn't she say anything?" You can tell the question wasn't necessarily directed towards you and moreso just Jimin thinking out loud, but you respond anyway. He has such a soft demeanor that you don't feel threatened by him being around you at all, even if this whole thing was accidental.
"I don't.. know? I'm really sorry, I don't know what to tell you." You shrugged. You felt bad Yana's own brother was out of the loop, but you get it. You were in the same spot as she was. You just had to do what you had to do without anyone holding you back sometimes.
"Nah, no worries. I'll get a hold of her somehow." He shakes his head and makes his way to the kitchen. He places the tupperware he has in his hands in the fridge, then toothlessly smiles back at you as it closes. "Since you're here, help yourself to my mom's food."
"Mm, are you sure? I mean I don't want to-"
He chuckled and ran his hand through his hair. "Seriously, Yana isn't here to eat it and it shouldn't go to waste."
"Why don't you eat it?"
"Because I have my own at home." He smiled. "You're not going to get out of this one, you know?"
"Thank you. Or, um, thanks to your mom." You rub your arm as you chuckle nervously while following him to the door. The fuck Y/N, don't start acting up around him now.
"Sorry about that again." He turns to smile at you again, hands now deep in his pockets. "I didn't catch your name?"
"Y/N."
"Nice to meet you." Jimin nods and chuckles. "I promise I don't just barge into people's homes like that."
"Mhm, your sister must think you're a handful."
"If anything, she's the handful, clearly." He cocks his head to the side. "California, huh?"
"The golden state." You shrug and chuckle. Really, Y/N? The golden state?
"I bet." Is all he says before he starts to back away from the door. "Well, I don't want to take more time out of your day. You must have some plans to get through. Thanks again, Y/N."
"Yeah, no problem." You watch as he walks down the hallway. As he descends down the steps, you gently shut the door and walk upstairs to finish getting ready so you can finally start your first adventure. To where? You don't know and that's a-okay.
[Y/N] 1:56pm: Hey Yana, I hope you're settled in! Your brother came here to drop off some food and to check on you. I may have told him you were in California, but I didn't say anything else after that. I'm sorry :( Hopefully that doesn't cause issues. Let me know if you need anything.
[Yana] 2:05pm: Hey! Haha no worries, I'm struggling a little with the sleep schedule but I'll be fine. Thanks for letting me know! Was he mad?
[Y/N] 2:07pm: No, he just couldn't believe you were out there since he claims you don't leave the house often. Haha.
[Yana] 2:08pm: Wow, he said that? Very Jimin like. He's 25 years old going on 80 so he shouldn't be one to talk. Agh, can't live with him, can't live without him. I'll deal with it. Hope my little brother didn't bother you too much after that! Many apologies if he did!
From what you gather, Yana is super sweet and you can tell she has a close relationship with her brother. You were quite surprised Jimin was her little brother, simply due his slightly overprotective nature and how he threatened to break down the door. Nonetheless, Jimin seemed to be concerned for his sister's wellbeing and you could tell he was sad when he realized she wasn't going to be around for awhile. You truly hope you didn't mess anything up or cause any issues for her plans though. It reminds you of your own friends and how you'll probably get the same earful in the next couple of hours. Until then though, you stick to the plan and tuck your phone deep into your bag before navigating the nearby streets to do some exploring.
Meanwhile, Jimin tosses his keys onto the kitchen counter as he enters the apartment he shares with his two bestfriends.
"You find her?" Taehyung sits on the couch with one foot up. He's holding a cup of tea in his hand while watching a movie on TV.
"Yana?"
"I'm sorry, were you looking for someone else besides your sister?" Taehyung asks sarcastically, which Jimin ignores.
"No, but I met Y/N." Jimin flatly responds as he plops onto the couch next to him and pulls up Yana's number to get a hold of her.
"Who is Y/N?"
"She's living at Yana's."
"Wait, what? She has a roommate now?" Taehyung looked at him, completely and utterly confused with this whole conversation.
"Nope. My sister is apparently in California cause she swapped homes with her."
"That's a thing?"
"I guess so." Taehyung watches as Jimin puts the phone to his ear.
"Yana, what the hell?" Jimin says into the phone as he stands up and walks towards his room.
"Calm down, fool. Why did you barge into my place like that? Perfect impression to give Y/N while she's still settling down."
"Why didn't you tell me you were going to California for the holidays?" He ran his hand through his hair. As guessed, he indeed had a very close relationship to his sister. Knowing she wouldn't be around for Christmas made him a pretty sad. He knew Yana had been wanting to get away for a bit, especially with the personal things she had going on, but he had wished she talked to him about what was going on first. He wanted to help in any way that he could.
"Because I knew if I did, you'd try and stop me."
"N-no!" He stuttered. "No, I wouldn't."
"Yes, you would've. Or, you would have tried to come with."
"What's wrong with that?"
"Chim, I just really want my own time in a new setting, away from everything that's familiar. Just for a bit." Jimin sighed. He wasn't going to argue.
"Alright, I get it. Please just stay safe out there, okay?"
"Yeah, I will. I'm surprised you haven't ran to mom yet." He chuckled.
"Jeez, is that what you think of me? A tattle-tale?"
"Mm, sometimes." She laughed. "You can be quite the baby."
"Hey, woah! This wasn't supposed to be about me." He grabbed his chest, feeling a little attacked by his sister. "Look, I'm not gonna say anything but eventually she's gonna notice. You know her."
"Then let her, I'll deal with it then."
"Alright, go for it." Jimin threw his hand up in defeat like Yana can see him somehow. Mom wasn't scary; if anything, she was always super supportive. However, Jimin and Yana both knew she'd be nothing but a worried mess knowing Yana was out in California on her own. "Let me know if you need anything from me, okay? Watch out for yourself down there."
"I will. I'll talk to you later, I'm gonna try to get on with my day before all I do is sleep. I love you."
"Love you too." Yana hangs up the phone, sighing at the mess she created with her luggage sprawled out in the room. She tried digging for something more appropriate for the Los Angeles weather at the moment, in which the sun was shining warmly but the surrounding morning air was cold. She headed back into the living room to scroll through her phone and figure out what to do with her day. She could go for some good coffee and breakfast right now, but where? Something walkable? She figured she could also uber around until she got used to the public transportation around here.
Some pancakes, eggs and—
Knock, knock, knock.
Yana sprung her head up to face the door, unsure of who could be here this early. She too was wondering if you had just left without notice, or if it could be the mailman delivering a package. But, this early? Is this how they did it in California? She peeks through the peephole to see a rather tall figure, wearing a beanie, hoodie, sweats, a coat and sneakers. He held two cups of coffee in his hands as he waited patiently for the door to be swung open.
"Hi." Yana said, cocking her head to the side as she held onto the door knob. He furrowed his eyebrows, confused as to why she was answering the door and not his bestfriend.
"Hi, I'm sorry. Is Y/N here?" Yana chuckled and shook her head. Figures. They were exactly on the same page with this swap.
"No, I'm sorry. She's in Seoul." His eyes widened.
"Seoul? As in South Korea Seoul?" She nodded.
"Yeah, we swapped homes for the month. Sorry, I'm guessing she didn't tell you anything." He shook his head. "Come in. I'm Yana." She smiled, having him return the smile back.
"Namjoon." He steps in and directly goes for the kitchen to place the coffee cups down. "Help yourself to the coffee I brought over."
"Thanks." She smiled softly.
"So, when exactly did this swap happen?"
"I just got here not too long ago, actually. Y/N just got situated too."
"Damn, that recent?" Namjoon shook his head. "I don't get why she just upped and left like that."
"I'm sorry, I'm sure it wasn't anything personal."
"No need to apologize." He chuckled. "I'm kind of just thinking out loud here. It's a little random, that's all. I'm sure I'll hear the reasoning soon." He leaned his back against the counter. Yana thought he was really attractive, with the way he leaned back against the counter, buff arms crossed at the chest. She knew her reasoning for agreeing to the swap, especially with the troubles she's had with her ex, Jackson. But, to be honest, she wouldn't mind running into this man every so often. He showed off his dimple when he smiled and chuckled earlier, giving off some sort of calmness to his personality.
"Yeah, I'm sure you will."
"Did you guys know each other for awhile or something?"
"Nope, met completely out of the blue on the home exchange site."
"Nice." He nodded. He was just confused and almost shocked that you left without briefing him and Yoongi. Not that you owed them any explanation, but you've all been so transparent with each other due to the nature of your relationship. Why did you go off so far? Why didn't you let them tag along? What kind of Hannah Montana ass life are you living? "Definitely not something Y/N would do." Namjoon did a little head tilt.
"Are you her.. significant other?"
"God, no." He made a sour face. "We've been close since high school. Me, her and our other friend Yoongi. It's always been us three." She nodded.
"That's sweet." He smiled at her toothlessly, keeping his gaze on her as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She felt her cheeks heat up, so she couldn't help but break the staring game by looking down at the floor.
"Sorry, you must have things to do. I'll get going." He pushed off on the counter.
"I was actually just trying to figure out what I could do with my day. Any recommendations?"
"Tons. Depends on what you're looking to do to start off your first day in LA." She chuckled.
"Not too much since the jetlag will hit me sometime soon."
"I can show you around if you'd like? It's honestly not easy getting around here without a car. Uber is cool and all but those surcharges can get to you." She smiled but hesitated to answer. They had literally just met, but she didn't feel any weird vibes coming from him. If anything, he was already showing how down to earth and laid back he was. "Only if you'd like, of course. I promise I don't bite or anything." She chuckled.
"Actually, yeah. I'm down for that. I just need to go get ready."
"Take your time." Namjoon hung over the kitchen counter to go through his phone as Yana walked away. He figured he could help her get some breakfast and take her down to Santa Monica, for starters.
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Later that afternoon, Namjoon brought Yana back home to rest up early. There were only so many things you could do from early on and he could tell she was getting pretty tired even though she tried her hardest to keep up, which made him feel bad. He got to his apartment that he shared with Yoongi and threw his beanie and keys off to the side of the dining table. 
“Yoongi-ah!” He called out for Yoongi. The boy came out of his room, looking like he had just woken up from a deep nap.
“Why are you yelling for me?”
“Did you know Y/N was in Seoul?” 
“Our Y/N? In Seoul?”
“Yes, that’s what I just asked.” Yoongi scratched his head and sat down on the couch, head tilting back to rest on it. 
“No. The fuck? Since when?”
“Like a day or whatever ago, I don’t really want to calculate the time difference right now.”
“Why is she there?”
“Dunno. Wanna find out?” Yoongi scrolled through his phone and shook his head.
“They’re 15 hours ahead, so it’s like 8:30 AM there. I wouldn’t do that if I were you. She’s probably ti-” Namjoon instantly went into the Favorites tab of his phone to quickly pull up your contact info and call you. “Alright, don’t say I didn’t tell you so.” The first time he called you through Facetime, you didn't pick up. So he tries again, completely ignoring the whole time difference shpeel from Yoongs.
"What?" You asked groggily on the other line, eyes still closed while you had the phone staring up at the ceiling so Namjoon couldn't see you.
"How's Seoul?"
"Namjoon, leave me alone. It's 8AM."
"You’re usually up by that time when you’re here, get up out of that bed.”
“Clearly, I’m not home. You just said it.” You groaned.
“I told you she would be mad.” Yoongi peeks his head into the small Facetime frame on Namjoon’s phone. “Just for the record Y/N, I told him not to call you.”
“Why didn't you tell me?! I brought coffee only to find Yana at your apartment.” Namjoon continues to ignore all cues.
"You met her and she had coffee. Sounds like a win-win to me."
"Why didn't you say anything?" He whined.
"Because I knew if I did, you and Yoongi would try and come along."
"Ah, wait, wait. Is that so bad?!" Yoongi chimed in, a little hurt from that statement.
"I love you both dearly, but I really just wanted this to be solo-dolo." Namjoon sighed.
"Are you okay at least?"
"Yes, I promise. I'd be even more fine if you both let me get a little bit more sleep."
"You didn't do this because of Romeo, did you?"
"I'd be lying if I said no. Look, for the most part, I just wanted to get away from LA for a bit. Get away from work and all the other stressors that home has been bringing. Okay?”
"I get it."
"Now stop going to my house and scaring Yana, you giant."
"I took her around today."
"Don't start with the funny business, Joonie."
"And what if the funny business comes to me instead?" He pulled the camera close to his face, smirking and wiggling his eyebrows. ‘You’re ugly,’ You hear Yoongi faintly say in the background, who is now completely out of the frame.
"Bye." You hang up and turn over to try and head back to sleep. Let's get this straight - you love Namjoon and Yoongi. You've done a lot of things together and you always look for their company. But, there were things you needed to get past on your own. The work stress and the impostor syndrome, keeping up with LA, your ex and the on and off years you've been putting yourself through all the hurt.
You felt like you really couldn't blame anyone but yourself, especially with Romeo and how he had been treating you. He had been treating you like a convenience and he never showed any effort. Yet, you always gave in because this was a man you loved for nearly the past 5 years.
It was just time. You were done. You had to remind yourself who you were.
115 notes · View notes
yespolkadotkitty · 4 years
Note
PLEASE pluck Ricky from obscurity like you did Zach!!!
Right so you are all fairly keen on this guy because I also got these:
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Pick You Up
Ricky Hauk x reader
Word count: 1700 ~ Warnings: None really. Light angst. Kissing.
Lovely gif by @ithinkwehitametaphor
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i
You’ve not lived in this town long. The first time you use the gas station, the tall, skinny guy behind the counter glances at you from under his ball cap, the red brim only serving to bring out the slices of amber in his soulful brown eyes. There’s a crease in his cupid’s bow, the thumb print of a God proud of his work. He rings up your service, gives you a collection time.
When you park up back at home, you see it. A note under your unused windscreen wiper.
Autumn in her eyes
Her hair ropes of burnished gold,
Kissed by corners of the
Falling leaves. Will seasons pass
Before I look upon her
Once more?
ii 
The poem was from him. You know it. You know it because the next time you bring your car back, when winter’s starting to bite chunks out of the temperature, you see him write something on your receipt in the same loopy scrawl. He sees you looking. Ricky is embroidered on his navy blue overalls. A flush creeps up his cheeks, and you wonder how old he is. Twenty? You could cry over his perfect cheekbones. 
“It should be more than that?” you ask when he rings you up.
The corner of his mouth curves up. “Returning customer discount. No one will miss a few quarts of gas.”
There’s a worn, tattered book propping up a wonky corner of the cash register. A Poem for Every Day of the Year.
And when you arrive home, there’s another scrap of paper under your windscreen wiper.
Winter’s grasp is far-reaching
Fingers dug in tight
But footprints thaw frozen ground,
A smile melts frostbite
Inch by Inch
You fold the paper carefully, tuck it under a magnet on your fridge, next to the one you already have. Wonder what it means. If he writes poetry for all his customers.
iii 
Before Winter ends, your exhaust pipe crashes off the end of your car and you narrowly miss swerving off the road in shock at the huge bang it makes. You drive right to the service station, and like a dream, there he is, the huge roller door of the workshop open, and he’s bent over another car, his ball cap on backwards, overalls half-unzipped. Heat is pumping out of the workshop interior and you park your car. As you shut the door, Ricky looks up, and his face goes slack for a second, before he plasters a polite query on the handsome canvas. “Uh, hey. Can I help you?”
“Exhaust pipe fell off on the highway,” you sigh. “I know she’s a hunk of junk, but I just can’t afford to replace her, not yet.”
“I’ll give it my best shot.” Ricky holds out his hand for the keys, a smear of grease on his thumb, and you stare at his palm for a moment, wondering what his hands would feel like on your skin. If he’d leave a fingerprint of grease behind.
You wouldn’t mind much, if he did.
iv
You have to leave the car overnight, eventually. Ricky comes into the tiny office with the noisy watercooler and tiny wall-mounted TV that only shows one God-awful news channel. His hands are shoved into his overall pockets and there’s a streak of engine grease on his cheek.
“Uh, I’m sorry, but she’s gonna have to stay in until tomorrow. My boss has gotta check the weld, and he’s stuck in the snowstorm one state over.”
“Okay.” You’re not cross with him. What would be the point?
Ricky looks from the clock to you. He probably has a hot date you’re keeping him from, you think with a little sadness. “Um, I’ve gotta lock up now. I can drive you home. If you want.” He jerks his thumb at the window to his right. A beaten up red truck sits outside.
“Thank you. That’d be great.”
The snow has started to fall in earnest. Ricky locks up the gas station and pockets the keys as the shutter finally closes up tight. He opens the passenger door for you, waits until you’re safely strapped in before he gets in on his side and starts the engine. “You’ll have to direct me.” He tugs off the ball cap and stuffs it in the glove box.
“Wait,” you say, as his hand hovers over the stick.
He glances at you with an eyebrow raised, that poet’s mouth set solemnly, his tiger iron eyes so large in his face, larger somehow with his thick hair sticking up at all angles, and he looks so young but like he has an old soul. Like he’s seen so much; too much, and he is so tired.
“Why did you write me those poems?”
Ricky looks away, chewing his bottom lip.
“You did, didn’t you?”
“So what?” he throws back, still not looking at you. “I’m sorry, okay? Is that what you wanna hear?”
Your heart cracks down the middle. “No, it isn’t. They were beautiful. I kept them.”
His gaze shoots to yours. “You are beautiful,” he says, very soberly. 
And you lift your hand to his cheek and then he’s kissing you, earnestly, his lips soft and sweet and unpracticed. Not that you’re experienced, but you estimate yourself as perhaps half a decade older than him. He groans into your mouth and desire skitters through you. You part your lips for him and he finally touches you, just a hand on your thigh, his palm warm through your worn, old jeans.
The drive to your house is full of thick, syrupy tension. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t notice the way Ricky subtly adjusts himself during the ten minute trip.
You’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to help him out with that.
He parks outside your building, and you kiss him again before you leave, nipping at his tempting lower lip, making him curse, low and sweet in that sinful, husky voice, still a little thready with youth.
“I’ll work on your car first thing tomorrow?” he half asks, half informs you, as you open the passenger door. The cold wind arcs in, biting at your skin. “I could pick you up. Early. If you want.”
You nod. “Okay. Thanks.”
Ricky catches your hand, tangles your fingers. “Guys like me write poetry about girls like you because it’s the only way we’ll be with you,” he mutters, and there’s something so sad and resigned in the depths of his butterscotch gaze.
You don’t know what to say, and if you kiss him again you run the serious risk of being arrested for indecent behaviour in his truck.
v
He’s early the next morning. You’re not ready. 
“Come up,” you say through the buzzer, and in a matter of moments you’re opening your apartment door to him. He holds the service station ball cap in his hands, wringing it nervously, and his overalls are half-unzipped to reveal a plain white t-shirt. He smells of cheap cologne and minty toothpaste, and his adam’s apple bobs as he swallows.
“Want a coffee?” you ask. “I’ll be five minutes.”
“No, thanks. Uh, I’m fine.” He stands by the door, like he needs permission to sit down. 
You rush around, calling your boss to remind him about your car situation. He’s stuck at home anyway due to a snowdrift, so he doesn’t chew you out.
Pulling on your winter boots - hopefully they’ll see you through to March - you step out of the bedroom. Ricky’s leaning over your kitchen counter, scrawling something on a post-it note. He jerks up, guilt sketched on his angular face.
“Sorry.”
“Not at all.”
He folds the paper over. “Don’t read it.. Til later.”
He turns to face you, hesitates, wariness and want and need laid bare in those gorgeous hazelnut eyes.
“Could I… kiss you? Maybe?”
“Yeah,” you breathe, and Ricky cups your face in his broad, callused hands, and lowers his mouth to yours, and the kiss starts soft and sweet, explorative, and then you slide your hands up his shoulders and tangle your fingers in his thick, tattered-silk hair, and he backs you into the wall, his lips urgent on yours, licking into your mouth, and you drink him in like you’re starved for the taste of him. He groans against your lips, one hand slipping down your back to palm your ass, and-
And your phone rings shrilly from your bag. Your work mobile.
You and Ricky spring apart. 
“I’d better get that.”
It turns out to be a shitty sales call, but the moment’s been broken. You mostly manage to ignore the distended shape of Ricky’s jeans, but his face is red the whole drive to the garage.
When you arrive, a man who you guess to be Ricky’s boss is already there, opening the shutter. Ricky turns to you, his hand hesitant on your thigh. “Maybe…. Maybe you’d wanna see me again? 
You cover his hand with yours, link your fingers. “I’d love to see you again, Ricky.”
His smile lights up the dreary winter day.
*****
Special thanks to @dornish-queen without whose watchlist, this fic would never have happened.
Tagging the Pedro pals! @gamingaquarius @a-seeker-of-imagination @songsformonkeys @alldatalost @dornish-queen @lackofhonor @alienprincesspoop @beccaplaying @cryptkeepersoul @keeper0fthestars @winters-buck @synystersilenceinblacknwhite @jaime1110 @nelba @heatherbel @thewayofthemandalorian @agirllovespasta @seawhisperer @holographic-carmen @mrschiltoncat @mourningbirds1 @emmy-dandiliom918 @trippedmetaldetector @starlight-starwrites @oloreaa @thegreenkid @tomhardydallasstarsgirl @buckstaposition @pedropascallion @pajamasecrets @knittingqueen13 @skdubbs @opheliaelysia
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tommodirection · 3 years
Text
Miss You More
Louis Tomlinson x Singer! Reader
Masterlist
Word Coung: 2.5k
Warnings: swearing, death, cancer, mentions of death
Disclaimer: Miss You More is an actual song that I wrote, and it isn’t published or anything, but it’s one I wrote about the loss of my grandfather, and so I may link it here if I feel like it so you know what the song is and what it’s about, there are just a few words you’d have to change, but anyways!
A/N: Heylo! I’m going to be honest with you, this is not my favorite thing I’ve ever written, and it’s a little corny, and poorly worded, but eh. It’s one am, I’m going to sleep after this! Anyways, I hope y’all enjoy! Thank you, and have a nice day!
——————
Ever since you were a child, you knew you wanted to sing.
It all started with your mum. When you were little, she’d always sing to you, every night before you went to bed.
Soon enough, you began singing back to her, and she loved every second of it.
You sang together every chance you got, singing in the car, in the house, at parties, even when you walked the dog together through your neighborhood.
She had encouraged you to make a YouTube channel for your music, knowing you’d make it big. At first, you were hesitant, not confident enough to post your voice on the internet, but you finally agreed weeks later.
You mostly did covers at first. Of course, your 14-year-old self didn’t know what she was doing. All she knew was that she was doing something she loved.
About a year after making the channel, you began making custom content. You learned to play the guitar and you’d use it almost every second. You took it everywhere. Well, everywhere you knew you’d be able to show off.
The songs were mostly about crushes and school and friends, the main things circling around your life at the time.
But it all changed when you were sixteen.
It was no secret your mother had cancer. She had since you were little, yet she had kept fighting it, succeeding for a few years.
The doctors had said she was getting better, on her way to becoming cured, well, as cured as she could be.
But out of nowhere, it plunged. She was coughing up blood, and could barely stand, needing assistance to go the bathroom. It just kept getting worse.
One of the worst parts of losing your mum was the fact that it was the holiday season, ruining the time of year for your family for years to come.
You remembered her final day alive. She was laying in the hospital bed, lips chapped and all colored drained from her face. Her lips were bloodied as well, reminisce of the blood she had hacked up minutes ago.
Your father and siblings were there beside her. Your father held your little brother, he was four at the time, and your younger sister was standing next to you, she was twelve. Alex didn’t fully understand what was happening, he just knew his mum wasn’t well, and he mostly hid his face in your father’s shoulder.
Morgan, however, understood exactly what was happening, and she was crying beside you. She was trying her best to hold back, maintaining a straight stance and trying to hide her shaking hands. You watched as tears flooded down her face, making small wet patches on the sheets.
You looked at your mum, studying her. She had done so much for all of you, but there was nothing you could do for her as she layed in the bed, motionless, save for her eyes, darting between all of you.
You knew how much singing meant to your mother, and so you did the only thing you knew you could do. You sang.
Her favorite holiday song was Silver Bells, so you started the song, your family soon joining in. Your mother smiled gratefully at all of you.
She joined in towards the chorus, her voice still weak, but just as beautiful as when you first heard it.
Those were your last moments with your mother.
She passed away hours later, the anticipated news crushing your family.
You had all slept together that night, knowing you couldn’t be apart. Alex didn’t know what had happened, and you knew your father couldn’t handle it, so you had stepped in, trying to explain to the boy that his mum was gone, and she wasn’t coming back.
After she passed, you had stopped uploading to your channel, getting emotional every time you even tried singing.
But months later, you had decided not to give up. Instead, you chose to move forward. You started writing again.
The song you were writing was about your mother, it seemed fitting. You knew no amount of words could ever sum up your relationship with her, nor your grief, but you tried your best in the song.
You had spent a few months writing the song, not it a rush. You were pouring your heart into this song, and if it was rushed, you knew it’d have no meaning, just some words with a few riffs thrown in.
A few days after your seventeenth birthday, you uploaded the video onto your account, the first video uploaded since your mother had died.
After uploading it, you decided to turn your computer off for the night. You knew how obsessive you got with checking your feedback, you normally refreshed the page until your fingers were sore.
Instead, you walked into the kitchen, guitar forgotten. You hadn’t shared the song with your family yet, and you knew you needed to do acapella, it was much more fitting.
You were scared of how they were going to react, especially your dad and Morgan.
Immediately after finishing the song, Morgan tackled you in a hug, burying her head in your shoulder, “Thank you,” she mumbled and you pelt tears pricking your eyes.
Your dad stood, his hand over his mouth. Alex was sitting at the table, eating his cereal. You waited in silence for a few moments, waiting for your dad to say something, but nothing.
Alex interrupted the silence, “That’s the first time I’ve heard you sing in a while, sissy,” he said, a wide grin. You don’t know where your family would be without Alex. He knew exactly how to light up a whole room, he knew how to make people feel better.
“I know, bud,” you smiled and he gave you a toothy grin, turning back to his cereal.
You dad finally let out a small, choked sob, “I miss her so much,” he said, opening his arms. You quickly collapsed in them. He was the one you wanted approval from the most.
“I do too, Dad,” you whispered.
Years later, you found yourself at Triple Strings Record Label.
A man sat in front of you, shuffling through some papers at his desk. He sighed loudly, and shoved the papers aside, giving you his full attention, “So, miss L/N, we’ve heard some of your work, and were quiet big fans,” he said, folding his hands in front of him.
“Thank you,” you smiled nervously, and he glanced at the clock.
“Well, my name is Bryan, Bryan Detreon. I’m an agent here for all the upcoming stars in the music industry, although I can’t take credit for finding you, that goes to the creator of the label himself,” he chuckled and you froze.
“Wait, the owner as in, like, Louis Tomlinson?” You asked, suddenly sitting up in your chair.
Of course you knew who Louis Tomlinson was. You were a year younger than him, grew up with him on the screen and on the radio.
He let out a small laugh, “Yeah, as in Louis Tomlinson, he found you personally and requested you be brought in. He’s offering you a contract, I’ve emailed it to you, but I’d like to go over it now, just to point out some things! Now, he said to take as much time as you needed to decide. You can have a lawyer look over this if you’d like, and just back to us when you have an answer! Although, he’d probably prefer to have it before the beginning of his tour! Oh yeah! He wants you as his one opening act!” He finished, pushing a copy of the document towards you.
You took a second to process what he had said, and when you finally had. You nearly fell out of your chair. “He wants me to open for him?!”
“Yup,” he continued as if it were nothing. “Now, in the first section…” you tuned him out, you’d read it at home.
Louis fucking Tomlinson wanted you to open for him. How were you supposed to say no? Your dream come true, after years of posting on YouTube and going to school to study music, hoping someone would find you, and it had all led to this.
Twenty-six years of your life, all leading up to this moment.
“Any questions?” Bryan asked, locking eyes with your
You quickly shook your head, gathering your stuff and standing up. “Nope, thank you so much for this opportunity, I will definitely look it over and email you as soon as I know! Thank you!” You rambled, and ran out the door, trying to rush home.
“I got fucking signed!” You screamed into the empty household. You had your own place, but you felt the need to run to your family’s home to share the news.
Your dad walked in from the kitchen, Alex trailing behind him. Alex was fourteen now, which now meant he was starting to call horn father out on his bullshit, not that there was much.
“Welcome home to you too,” your Dad teased, and Alex looked up, his face instantly lighting up. He ran and wrapped his arms around you, he was beginning to tower over you.
“I missed you,” he grumbled, trying to hide his face.
You laughed and patted his back, “I missed you too bud.”
“What’s this about being signed?” Morgan strolled into the room, she was still living at home, finishing her last semester of university. She had grown into a beautiful woman, looking almost identical to your mother.
“Right! So, I got a call and email about an interview, and it said to meet at the Sony label here, and to go to the Triple String label office! I get there, and the guy tells me that they’re huge fans and want me to sign a contract with them! Turns out, LOUIS FUCKING TOMLINSON WANTS ME TO OPEN FOR HIM!” You screamed, not caring about the neighbors.
Morgan swooped you into a hug, you hated being the shortest. “Aw, my big sis is going to be a pop star!”
Months later, you stood backstage, picking at your sleeve. You glanced behind the curtain and saw hundreds of people standing and an endless chatter.
It was your first show of the tour, you had rehearsed hundreds of times, but that did nothing to settle your nerves.
Louis only had one opening act. You. You were all the crowd got before him, so you had to impress them.
You felt someone grab your waist from behind, as you nearly jumped out of your skin. You heard a small giggle in response, recognizing the voice.
You turned to playfully glare at Louis, your boyfriend of four months. You had bonded during rehearsals, and bonded over your similar life experiences, and soon enough, you had begun dating.
Only a handful of people knew, his family, and the crew on tour with you. You weren’t prepared to tell your family yet.
“What are you lookin at?” He asked, wrapping an arm around you. You rested your head on his chest.
“Just looking at the crowd, it’s huge,” you mumbled and he pressed a kiss to the top of your head.
“It’ll be alright, they’ll love you,” he assured, and you smiled at him, grateful for his company.
“Thank you Lou,” you went to give him a proper kiss, but you were interrupted by the stage manager, telling you it was time for you to get in your position.
You quickly waved Louis goodbye, and ran to your platform under the stage, the one that you’d be rising up on in seconds.
They gave you a countdown, and a crew member handed you a mic.
On one, they hauled you up, your hand already in their places.
You were met with a roar of cheers and applause as you surfaced, singing one of your most popular songs, ‘Don’t Start With Me Now,’ written about an old, toxic, best friend.
It was thrilling, hearing the people singing your lyrics back to you, you were shocked they knew them. Being on stage gave you adrenaline you’d never experienced before, and soon, all your nerves flooded away.
As you finished your song, you heard the crowd erupted into cheers, whistles being scattered throughout the crowd. Monologue time.
“Hey guys!” You greeted. “My name is Y/N L/N, and I have been chosen by the honorable host, Louis Tomlinson, to open the show up for you guys! I won’t be up here for long, just enough time to play a few more songs, but don’t worry, I’ll be back soon enough!” You hinted, the crowd screaming in response.
You played through all of the songs you’d written, well, except for one. You hadn’t played Miss You More yet, there was a surprise to come later on.
You gave a farewell to the audience, and stepped off stage, the hair and make-up people touching you up before you could even regain your footing.
Louis didn’t particularly like breaks, so the second you were off the platform, he was getting on.
You stood by, waiting for your cue.
The stage manager nodded, and you stepped onto the platform, your dress changed into a skirt and a nice blouse, courtesy of the costume department.
“Now, I have a special guest here to be with me on stage tonight. We both lost our mothers, when they were both remarkably young, and both to cancer. We’ve both written songs about it, and we thought we’d make a mash-up for you guys tonight!” He exclaimed, and the crowd's cheers nearly popped your ear.
Your platform began moving up, revealing you to the crowd. The cheers echoed through the stadium, and you smiled, waving at them, taking your place beside Louis.
You were counted in, and your mashup of Two of Us and Miss You More began. It was one of your favorite things you’d ever taken part in creating, having input from both you and Louis, not just some producers telling you what to do. This was all you.
The last chords of the song bellowed throughout the stadium. The audience’s cries and shouts of praise filled the room once again.
You looked over at Louis, who was busy admiring the crowd, his blue eyes lit up, a genuine smile on his face. It was at this moment that you realized something; you were in love with this man.
His eyes finally caught yours, and he gestured to the crowd, who was still burning as bright as before.
You smiled and whispered, “I love you.”
You knew Louis had gotten great and lip readings he had basically mastered it.
He quickly out his mic back on the stand and pulled you into a hug, leaning down to say something into your ear, just loud enough so you could hear, “I love you too.”
The next day, Louis was pulled into an interview before you headed to the next location. The questions were pretty simple ones, mostly openers for him to promote the movie, but there was one question at the end that made you both smile.
“What song did you fall in love to?”
You knew the answer.
A/N: Let me know if you wanna be added to my permanent taglist! Just send an ask or a message!
Permanent Taglist: @everything-is-alrightt
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sliiiiiides into ur dms with semi-ancient youtube au ideas because I may or may not have reappeared after *checks watch* four years to lurk through your haikyuu tag. Consider: kiyoko being insecure because she hangs out with yacchan and yams and tsukki, all of whom sing and/or play instruments and kiyoko's like "...I'm just pretty and a functional adult, you guys are all so talented". Also consider noya scaring the shit out of asahi who is worried for his boyfriend's health and safety
I haven’t written a thing of substance all summer, and these prompts just SENT me. Some Youtube AU is exactly what I need. 
-
Shimizu Kiyoko is not an actress. This much she’s figured out; after a long day on set of one of Ennoshita’s short skits in which she just couldn’t deliver the lines right, couldn’t emote enough for the camera, and many more mishaps that Ennoshita was so overly patient for, she never wants to look at a camera again. Except, of course, she has to-- because her girlfriend vlogs exciting life moments, and this apparently constituted as an exciting life moment. Kiyoko knows she looks put-off in the background as Yachi vlogs in the back of their Uber, and she feels bad for not looking a little happier, but she can’t find it in her for some reason. 
The thing is, Kiyoko is always at least moderately good at anything she tries-- with a few exceptions, of which she’s known for a while, like anything musical, or riding bike. She can do both, but very shakily. She had thought maybe acting would be one of the things she’s good at, because in theory it sounds easy, but either she’s really bad or Ennoshita is a mean director because what was supposed to be a two hour shoot had turned into five. Dinner had been awkward, with Kiyoko piping up even less than usual as Yachi and Ennoshita talked about anything and everything. 
Kiyoko is so lost in thought that she doesn’t hear Yachi sign off from her vlog, nor does she notice they’ve pulled up in front of their apartment building; Yachi’s hand on her shoulder startles her, and her cheeks flush a bit in embarrassment. 
“Hey, we’re home...You alright?” Yachi asks. Kiyoko smiles and nods stiffly. 
“Just a bit tired, is all.” She says. It’s not entirely a lie; she’s exhausted from the long day she’s had, and just wants to curl up in bed with her girlfriend. “Let’s go.” 
Opening the door on her side of the car, Kiyoko makes her way around the car and onto the pavement in front of their apartment building; she holds a hand out for Yachi when her door opens, which Yachi takes with a smile. They walk to the elevator in silence. Kiyoko uses her free hand to press the button for the 20th floor, and they start the ride up to their apartment. At first, it’s just as quiet as the walk in, and then Yachi starts to hum the same song playing in the elevator, quiet but still there. Kiyoko feels a soft smile tugging on her lips as she listens to her girlfriend. The elevator dings, and the doors open, and once again they’re walking; it’s a short distance down the hall to their apartment, but Yachi hums the elevator music still as they unlock the door and step in. 
There’s no need to call an “I’m home!” as the both of them are coming in together, and the apartment is silent in return. Yachi lets out a tired sigh, her shoulders slumping as she slips her coat and shoes off. “It’s so good to be home~ I love Enno-san, but that shoot when so looooong! I almost fell asleep during dinner!” 
Kiyoko chuckles and shakes her head, trekking up the small set of stairs that separates the entrance from the rest of the apartment. “It was a long day. I think I’m going to shower and go to bed. You going to join me?” 
“That sounds good. I can wait to edit this vlog until tomorrow.” Yachi replies, muffling a yawn behind her hand. She comes up the stairs a moment later, wrapping her arms around Kiyoko, who leads her down the hall to the bedroom. Yachi falls onto the bed with a soft thunk and Kiyoko smiles as she searches the room for her bath towel. She finds it hanging behind the door, and as she’s turning to go back down the hall to the bathroom, Yachi speaks up, “Hey babe?.. Are you really okay? You looked kinda upset in the car.” 
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Kiyoko hums. She leans against the doorframe, looking over at Yachi as she sits back up, The look on Yachi’s face is stern, and Kiyoko hates seeing the worry lines creasing her forehead and between her eyes. “...I suppose I was just a little disappointed in myself today. I couldn’t seem to get my lines right at all.” 
“Hm? That’s all that has you upset? Honey, you did fine.” 
“I know I did fine, it’s just...I had hoped I’d be good at it, is all.” Kiyoko murmurs. She’s embarrassed to say it. Yachi is normally the one that’s insecure, she’s the one that’s supposed to be strong, and here she is embarrassed over one skit. “You and Yamaguchi-kun make it look so easy...Like how you and Yamaguchi-kun or Tsukishima-kun make it look easy to play an instrument...I can’t even read a script and make it sound natural.” 
Yachi frowns, standing up and crossing the small space between them. “You did just fine, dear. And-- And who cares if you’re not good at acting, or singing? There are plenty of other things people like you for.” She says. 
“Yeah, I suppose. I just wish people liked me for more than my looks...All I am is pretty and a little smart.” 
It’s true, even if she doesn’t want to admit it; Kiyoko only posts on her channel once a month, if that, and it’s all educational or how-to videos. She knows her following is mostly people who think she’s attractive, or Yachi’s subscribers who thought she had content similar to her girlfriend’s. How else does she have over a half a million subscribers? She’s not at all talented. 
Yachi lets out an “aww!” and wraps her arms around Kiyoko, who hugs back, although a bit surprised. 
“Wh- What? I said the truth.” 
“That’s not what anyone thinks of you! And if it is, I’ll fight them! All of them!” Yachi says, hugging Kiyoko tight. 
“I--” 
“Your worth is not dependent on your talents. I mean it.” 
“But--” 
“Kiyoko.” Yachi’s voice is strong, probably the most assured she’s ever been, and Kiyoko pauses in her objections. She rests her head on Yachi’s shoulder, hugging her tighter. 
“...How did I get so lucky?” 
“I ask myself the same thing every night. Now go shower, so I can cuddle my wonderful, beautiful girlfriend.” 
Kiyoko smiles as Yachi pulls away, her cheeks flushed. She supposes as long as Yachi loves her, she doesn’t mind if she’s the worst actor in the world. 
-
Mild Manga spoilers for the Asanoya drabble but like very mild. 
Asahi Azumane, despite his affluence in Japanese fashion, does not go on social media often-- that is, unless his boyfriend and avid world-traveller-slash-modern-day-adventurer is involved. Asahi isn’t able to go on every trip Noya goes on, since his days are busy, but he watches Noya’s videos whilst he’s away. 
Even if Noya calls and details his adventures, Asahi finds comfort --and occasional terror-- in Noya’s vlogs. Seeing Noya (and, on occasion, Tanaka) doing wild stunts in a foreign country is terrifying and sends Asahi’s heart racing. 
Asahi isn’t on social media. Which makes him even more concerned when he logs onto twitter and finds a two-day-old tweet from his boyfriend, the caption on a picture of bloody teeth in a hotel room’s bathroom sink saying “Lol @ tana_ryuu_vlog and I tried surfing in the HUGE tub in my hotel room....Didn’t go too great. Vlog where this happened coming sometime this week!” 
Asahi’s heart sinks and he thinks back to when Noya called him from Bali last night-- he hadn’t said anything about losing his teeth, or an accident of any kind. Yet here Asahi is, staring at the tweet with trembling hands. He doesn’t even noticed he’s exited out of his twitter and into his phone dialer until he sees Noya’s name on the screen, the call processing. He holds the phone to his ear, trying to remember to breathe. 
“Hello? Babe, everything alright? You should be working right now.” Noya sounds tired, like he was asleep, and-- right, it’s only nine in the morning where he is right now. 
“I’m-- I’m fine. Are you okay? I saw your tweet.” Asahi asks, his voice quiet. 
“Huh? Which one?” 
“You tried...bathtub surfing...” 
There’s a quiet “Ah!” and Noya laughs, his tone light despite Asahi’s anxiety. “Right! That was so hilarious, babe, Ryuu lost his two front teeth! Ennoshita-san is going to kill him!” 
It takes a moment for Asahi to process. When he finally does, he blinks. Once, twice. “I-- What?” 
“Yeah, we have ‘em in a glass of milk, he’s going to an emergency dentist across town right now to see if they can put ‘em back in, or if he’ll have to get an implant in when we get back to Japan.” 
...Sometimes Asahi wonders why he loves him so much. 
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bugabisous · 4 years
Text
signs that adrien “always felt [Marinette] was more than [a friend]” - or: don’t be salty, y’all, the chat blanc confession wasn’t just because she was ladybug. [part 5]
insta likes analysis | part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4
here i am, yet again, to ramble about my dumb son and his feelings for the one and only: marinette.
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we left off the previous part talking about how important marinette is to adrien, and how he always wants her happiness and can’t stand to see her hurt. i’ll start this part with something a bit different, but that i love dearly about this dynamic, and i don’t see it mentioned very often...
buckle up because this one is by far the longest... and also the final one! let’s go!
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during feast, when adrien plays the piano with plagg, we see him laughing and very happy, enjoying a moment of pure joy with him. afterwards, he remarks that his mom was “the only one who could make [him]laugh like that” 
but guess what? we have seen him laugh this freely around marinette:
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starting from this unforgettable moment during The Umbrella Scene. Look at that baby, he’s clearly full of joy. And moments after he sighs, full of wonder, about making yet another friend. that was one very important moment in adrien’s life. i believe this was probably one of his first moments of genuine connection around someone. he befriends nino earlier, but obviously this moment is way emotionally charged.
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in oblivio, she still inspires this feeling of happiness in him. she makes him laugh. and it’s so wonderful.
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and she does this even in moments where things are awkward (like in this scene where she stutters and gets so nervous she calls him lame lmao) or the following scene, which we know very well:
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look at that ray of sunshine! look at the effect she has in him. he clearly enjoys her company a great deal. 
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him walking into the ice rink next to marinette and not next to the girl he’s actually on a date with.
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adrien walking out next to marinette instead of, say, his best friend nino. (also, during this ep he really, really doesn’t get why marinette can’t hang out, and he’s clearly disappointed she’s not there because he wants to hang out with her).
oh well, let’s just say that’s just adrien being friends with her. sure. but you know what isn’t exactly just friends territory? the very next scene i’m going to mention. 
so we’ve all watched frozer. we remember that moment when marinette runs to him, we get this Imagine Spot where she confesses to him and he confesses too, etc etc. right after, marinette switches tracks and says that they should hang out at the ice rink again.
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“you mean, just you and me?” he asks, with a soft hopeful, downright longing expression in his face. this is not a reaction you have for a friend, i bet his heart was beating out of chest, i bet that for a moment there - even though he had no idea why - he suddenly couldn’t imagine anything better than hanging out one on one with marinette.
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“no, of course not!” she says. and his expression isn’t suddenly that soft. he says he’ll try to make time, sure, but he clearly looked way more soft and hopeful in the frame before. interesting, isn’t it?
now, i’ll move on to analyze an episode that is not very well-liked in the fandom. and yes, i do agree that not showing the akuma battle was a bit lazy... and yes, it was a clipshow. but also, there were some important bits sprinkled in there that shouldn’t be missed because they’re pure gold. so, let’s talk about stormy weather 2.
when adrien considers the idea that perhaps marinette is the one who wrote the valentine’s card that he cherishes so much, he dismisses it... and the reasons why are fairly interesting, if a bit sad:
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“marinette couldn’t possibly be in love with me,” is what he says. he says it sadly, his face is the picture of heartbreak. somehow the idea that she has no romantic feelings for him is something that saddens him this much. it also ties to adrien’s insecurities. the fandom loves to discuss marinette’s possible insecurities but sometimes adrien’s get ignored. his father doesn’t show him affection or love, his household is cold and unfeeling, and the girl he loves is in love with someone else. i believe that on some level adrien doesn’t think someone could fall in love with him (and i also believe this is a huge reason he does try things with k*gami: he enjoys her company, and thinks she’s beautiful and interesting and he sees the potential, sure. but also: she makes her interest in him very clear).
this scene brings me back to the s1 episode, gamer, where, after saying marinette is amazing, he says he’s “so lame compared to [her]” and that “[she] wouldn’t even need [him]”
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he thinks marinette is awesome, amazing, talented, incredibly kind, an everyday hero and an all around wonderful person. in addition to that, she has denied a romantic interest in him when he asked about it. he doesn’t think it possible that marinette could have feelings for him other than friendship... if even that, considering that in puppeteer 2, another episode that gets a lot of bad rep in the fandom, he’s quick to believe that she doesn’t even want to be friends with him:
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“marinette doesn’t want to be with me?”
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look at his heartbroken face!! look at him. i’m so sad.
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“i was afraid you didn’t like me.” this is very telling. because as we all know, marinette’s love language is actions... and adrien’s is words. that abysm (or, dare i say it, that wall) doesn’t allow adrien to see what is so obvious to everyone else. 
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“she’s just a friend who loves fashion,” he says, still looking troubled.
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“besides...there’s l//uka.”
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oh, boy. that sure doesn’t seem like a happy “phew i don’t have to break my friend’s heart by rejecting her” face. now, does it? adrien is clearly not happy about this situation.
why? because he has feelings for her. and, to be honest, a part of me could have just used the following two pictures to make the entire case i made in 5 parts... but where’s the fun in that? 
“i’ve realized that you’re not just a friend to me. i always felt like you were more than that.”
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“and now i know why. [...] it means that i love you.”
it’s the very same expression. the only differences between these screenshots are: a) the lightning, b) the fact that mayura’s is a bit more zoomed in, and c) the beret. other than that... no difference. because he is already totally in love with her, he just hasn’t realized it yet.
but he will. 
in the season three finale, part 1, we see that adrien “finally realized that there’s more than one type of cheese in this world,” in plagg’s very eloquent words... right after he gets a notification from a post from marinette. sure, k*gami is there too. but the fact remains that heart hunter goes out of his way to balance out the time he spends with both of them.
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he’s changing his target already. 
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when marinette says she has to leave, adrien jumps out inmediately, “no, wait!” and then k*gami invites her to “escape with [them]” - this is even more telling if you guys pay attention to the miraculous secrets videos that are uploaded in the official youtube channel. in “k*gami as seen by adrien” we have the following quote:
“maybe it’s time to change targets. we’re attending chl*e’s parents anniversary together soon. i guess we’ll see.” he says in it. and then proceeds to invite marinette along at any possible chance. why would he do that, if he’s trying to change targets if he didn’t have romantic feelings for her? let me tell you: he wouldn’t.
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as we all know he looks awestruck by her. he just stops and stares.
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look at that. he’s so in love is not even funny.
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in this screenshot he’s only holding her hand. 
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and then during the infamous ice cream scene, which is his own idea by the way (he just chooses to drag two girls to get romantic ice cream after choosing to try to let ladybug go... he knows what he’s doing - k*gami might not exactly believe in the ice cream thing, but we know from glaciator that adrien does believe in it), both him and k*gami leave the choice in marinette’s hands. she’s the one that steps away.
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and he’s not exactly thrilled to see her leave. a part of him was hoping she’d stay. 
that is all, folks! i have no more to say... at least not until season 4. but i’ll end this final part with a cute picture because, well, i have to.
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adrien is in love with marinette, pass it on.
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wildfllower5sos · 4 years
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Can you do one where you and Ashton are in quarentine nd hiding a pregnancy from the press (kinda like zayn and gigi) and you're like 24 weeks and it gets outed and let's say none of the boys or their SO knows and they think it's a joke and you tell them on zoom it's not and they are losing their minds
Zoom Call // A.I Imagine 
This was such a cute request to write. 
Hope ya like it ! xx 
MASTERLIST 
Ashton comes in with multiple bags on his arm and his sunnies sliding off his nose falling flat on the ground. You hear his low mumble of a string of curse words as he kicks them to the side. The rustling of the bags come to an end as he sets them all on the floor beside the island. His heavy footsteps echo through the home as he searches around for you.
When he spots you underneath a heap of blankets on the couch he couldn’t help but smile. Your face soft as your eyelashes lay flat on your eyes. He admires the way your lips pout as they open the tiniest bit to allow you to breath. He knows how the couch has become your best friend the past couple of months, so he tries his best to make it as comfortable for you as possible.
“Hey babe,” He leans down to press a sweet kiss on your cheek allowing you to slowly wake up. You open up an eyelid to peek up at him. A smile reaches your face as you look into his honeycomb eyes.
“Hi sweetheart. I must’ve fallen asleep waiting for you.” You yawn. Ashton lets out a breathy laugh as he watches the way the blankets fall off allowing for your body to be shown off. You were wearing one of his t-shirts with nothing but underwear underneath. That has been your go to outfit for the past few days as wearing any other clothes has grown uncomfortable for you.
“How are you feeling?” He asks as the two of you walk over to the kitchen to eat the dinner he picked up on his way home.
“A bit nauseas, but I drank a ginger ale not too long ago to help with it. I was feeling a bit exhausted which is probably why I fell asleep.” You watch as Ashton pours your food onto a plate and smile at how luck you got to have such a gentlemen of a boyfriend.
“Have you seen my phone?” You ask as you remember that you haven’t seen it since this morning.
“I think it’s in the bathroom. I’ll go get it for you. Here’s your food.” He presses a gentle kiss on your forehead before leaving the room. You happily begin to dig into the food that has been making your mouth water the second the smell of it got into your system. As you wait for him to come back you keep hearing his phone vibrate against the island multiple times in the span of
“Your phone keeps blowing up.” Ashton comes back in with the phone in hand. You grab ahold of it and notice a string of notifications from all social network outlets coming in one after the other.
“What the fuck.” You mumble as you wipe your hand on a napkin. The twitter app is the first notification you click on, and when you do you can’t help but feel your chest cave in.
“Ashton,” You gasp out as you scroll through the app and see all the celebrity channels posting up pictures of Ashton and you. “No, no, no.” You zoom in and out of the images as they circulate the internet. Your friends are all shooting you texts wondering what’s going on with the two of you and if the rumors are true. Ashton circles around to you and peeps over your shoulders wondering what’s getting you all antsy.
“Oh shit Y/N.” Ashton rests his hand on your shoulder trying to comfort your running mind.
“Well it’s not like we can do anything about it now.” You set your phone down on the island. Ashton wraps his arms around you, resting his chin on your head as his hands roam down your body. You look up at him as he soothingly rubs circles around your tummy activating the tiny human inside to begin to kick up against your skin.
“Look like we have to tell everyone.” You sigh.
“I know.” Ashton replies.
The two of you have been keeping quiet over this huge milestone in your relationship. The world didn’t need to know everything that was occurring in your lives right as they happened. It wasn’t like you were purposely hiding this from friends and the public. The whole world was put on hold when the two of you found out.
_____
You weren’t feeling well a month into lock down, growing nervous at the thought of having caught the virus and possible giving it to Ashton, you decide to call your doctor. When you explain all your symptoms your doctor tells you that it isn’t the virus, but possibly something else.
You didn’t believe her at first, but when you begin to look back at your monthly visit you couldn’t help but sink down onto the floor with fear. You make the special purchase online just to help ease your mind. It doesn’t take long for the doorbell to go off letting you know that the purchase has been delivered. Ashton was deep into playing his drums that he didn’t even notice when you go open the door.
As you are taking the test you fight back and forth with yourself on whether you should tell Ashton that you were doing this. You decide against it, just incase it’s negative, and take it on your own. You sit on the bathroom floor with your knees up to your chest as your arms wrap around them to provide a warmth to your shaking body. The timer on your phone ticks down as you think of all the things that would change if you were going to have a baby. Ashton wouldn’t be with you all the time leaving you to raise the child alone for weeks. You weren’t sure if you would quit your job or continue working when the baby would get here. You two would need to find a bigger place to fit the tiny baby in. Would Ashton even stay with you? The two of you would mention kids, but that was more of a in the future type of thing; like 5 years from now.
When the timer goes off all the thoughts that were swarming your mind scram away. You remain on the floor for an extra minute contemplating whether you should look or not. Suddenly you hear a knock on the door making you let out a small scream.
“Is everything okay in there babe?” Ashton’s accent thick with worry.
“Yeah, I umm I’m just trying out a new makeup look.” You furrow your eyebrows together at the lame excuse you came up with.
“Umm okay.” He pauses, “What do you want for dinner? I was thinking we can make the burgers that are in the freezer?”
“Sounds good babe!” You say hoping he would just go away and let you peek at the test. You wait until the shadow of his feet are no longer lingering by the door to get up from the floor. You lean against the bathroom sink staring at the little stick that will determine your future.
“You can do this.” You whisper to yourself while staring at yourself in the mirror. When you finally flip the test over you break down into tears as you see the two bold pink lines. Your hand immediately reaches your mouth trying to stifle out the sob begging to be heard. Your hands shake like an earthquake.
The emotions you were feeling were a mix between joy and fear. You weren’t sure which emotion is the correct one to feel; you wouldn’t know until Ashton reacts to the news.
You stare at yourself in the mirror cringing at the tear, blotchy red face staring back at you. The bags under your eyes glow with the salty droplets racing down to your neck. You wipe your tears away with the pad of your thumbs before splashing cold water on your face to lessen the redness on your skin.
When you peep the door open just a bit you hear the pans clattering around in the kitchen. You knew this would be the only chance to escape and get inside your bedroom without Ashton noticing. As you walk down the hallway as quietly as you could Ashton’s silhouette reflects off the sunlight onto the hardwood floor.
“Babe dinners ready.” You stare at the test that’s hidden underneath your fingers.
“Okay, I’ll be there in a sec.” You don’t dare turn around because you knew Ashton can read you like the back of his hand. You continue walking to the bedroom where you lean against the door trying to frantically think of a location to hide the test. Your head looks right to left, up and down as you try to look for a place he wouldn’t accidentally see it. It takes a few minutes for you to finally decide to hide it in your underwear drawer.
You give yourself a once over, with a sigh you muster your best smile before walking out of the bedroom. Your shaking hands hidden underneath Ashton’s black Wildflower hoodie while your bump still remains nonexistent. You thank Ashton as he sets the plate of food in front of you. The two of you sit across from each other in silence, only the sound of Ashton chewing can be heard.
Ashton continuously glances up at you through his lashes studying the way you poke the meat with the fork and how your nose scrunches up at the sight of the onions. You were thinking of the multiple ways to tell Ashton he was a dad-to-be, as well as all the million of things that will be changing in your lives once the child enters the world.
“Y/N, what’s wrong?” He finally asks setting his food down to give you his full divided attention.
You look up at him, wide eyed with a knot in your throat. Ashton notices the quiver of your bottom lip and the lashes growing thick with salty tears. The rims of your eyes grow red as you think of how to dismiss the issue, but your emotions got the best of you. Your palms press against your eyes as you let out a choking sob. The air in your lungs long gone leaving you gasping for oxygen.
Ashton rushes to be by your side, wrapping his arms around you pulling you into his chest. He feels your shake under his sweatshirt leaving him to wonder why you were anxious. He knew this must be serious by the way you reacted.
“Shh darling it’s going to be okay.” You shake your head as you hear the words spill from his lips.
“No.” You choke out. You inhale sharply, pushing him away from you. He takes a step back looking over at you with bewilderment. You let out the shaky breath feeling your chest tighten at the act, but you choose to ignore the feeling as you prepare yourself to break the news to him.
You play with the sleeves of the hoodie as you stare at your lap trying to find the words to break the news to him.
“Y/N, if you tell me what’s going on maybe I can help, but if you don’t I’m still going to be here for you until you’re ready to talk.” He kneels in front of you desperately wanting your eyes to meet. You flutter your eyelids shut as you reach up to roughly wipe away the tears from your face.
“Ash...I’m-” You take in a shaky breath tilting your head up to the sky as you try to say the words eating you alive. Ashton’s heartbeat racing against his chest faster than any drum he’s beat his stick on before. He feels himself feel your nervous energy as you sniffle trying to tell him what is going on in your heart.
“I’m pregnant Ashton.”
Those three words flip his world around. He stills as he lets the words sink into his brain, heart, and soul. He loses his balance, almost as if you blowed him over with your words. You sit there watching him numbly stare at the ground with his lips parting as he tries to think of a way to react.
“You’re pregnant.” He states mostly to himself as the words sink into his brain.
“Yeah.” You sniffle. “We’re having a baby.”
“We’re having a baby. Fuck we’re going to be parents.” He stares up with wide eyes as the news settles into his soul. He feels almost as if he were high flying through the clouds. The news bounces off all the walls inside his brain trying to find a place to settle in. His emotions were everywhere, but when he saw the fear in your eyes he reaches up and rests a comforting hand on your lap.
“Sweetheart everything is going to be okay. I promise we are going to be okay. This is the best news I’ve ever received.” He smiles reassuringly knowing you were freaking out much more than he was. You smile down at him with a soft smile making way to your own face. Your tears were still continuously pouring out of your tear ducts, but your heart began warming up to the idea of having a small baby.
“I hope you’re right Ashton.”
______
He was right, everything did turn out to be okay in the end. The baby is healthy and so are you. The two of you have been isolating yourselves from everyone, including family and friends, for the past five months. You didn’t find out you were pregnant until you were 8 weeks in. You’re now 24 weeks and even know the gender of the baby. None of your friends know about your pregnancy yet, which is the reason their texts of curiosity were coming in like wildfire.
Crystal: Why is the media saying you’re pregnant?
Luke (US): Umm why is the media saying you guys are having a baby? LOL
Calum (US): Either you guys have been lying to us or you guys are just being trolled by the media ????
“We have to tell them Ashton.” You sigh as you leave all your friends on read. There were various other messages that repeat the same things they were texting you from other people. The two of you didn’t want to tell friends for fear that something would go wrong. It’s also one of the scarce things Ashton and you have managed to keep a secret between the two of you; no media and no outside commenters.
“How do you want to tell them?” You lay a hand on your bump as you wrestle with various ways to tell all your friends you two were expecting and break the gender to them.
“Well we can just do a zoom call? Have all of them hop on at the same time and tell them the gender too?” You throw the idea out. Ashton agrees and runs to the bedroom to grab your laptop. As you wait for Ashton to come back into the room you pick your fork back up again.
“I sent them all a text in our groupchats. They should be getting on in a bit.” He sets the laptop on the counter.
“Did you send them the Zoom code?” You ask with a mouthful of food.
“Bout to do that.” He mumbles ignoring your mouthful of food. You hum as you finish up your food waiting for Ashton to let in all your friends into the Zoom conference call.
“Oop I should go change.” You notice your bare legs underneath Ashton’s large t-shirt and run over to your bedroom to throw on a more decent outfit. You settle on a pair of leggings and one of Ashton’s hoodies which seems to be the only clothes you live in as of late.
“Okay guys we’re going to wait for everyone to get on here before I unmute you all and we can discuss all of this to set rumors to rest between all of us.” Ashton informs them as the texts come in asking him to unmute them. Once you were sure that all your friends were in you. You sit besides Ashton only showing off your upper half with your lower half being completely concealed by the island the laptop was set on.
“Hey guy! Miss you all loads.” You wave into the camera as they all get unmuted by Ashton.
“We miss you!” They all reply at different times sounding more gibberish than actual English.
“So what’s with the news saying you’re pregnant?” Calum asks eyebrows pinched together in curiosity. You look up at Ashton with a bright smile ready to burst with the news.
“Well we kind of having been keeping a tiny secret away from you guys.” You laugh nervously as you fiddle with the sleeves of the hoodie.
“What?” Various voices echo.
“So I’m pregnant!’ You lift your hands up to your side as you break the exciting news to your friends.
“No fucking way!”
“Shut the fuck up!”
“You’re joking!”
“There’s no way!”
“Haha very funny joke.”
Those were the few responses you manage to hear as they all talk over one another. Ashton laughs at his friends looking at the two of you like you were both carrying six heads on your shoulders.
“We’re not shitting you guys. She’s really pregnant.” Ashton giggles showing off his pearly white teeth.
“See.” You get up from the chair to give them full view of your protruding belly. “There’s a little one in there.” You lift the hoodie up to give them a full view of your rounding stomach allowing them to see the human growing inside.
“No way!”
“Oh my gosh!”
“Ahh I’m so excited for you!”
“Congrats!”
“What the fuck!”
A few tears spill as they all react from home. Some even smack their device as they share their excitement with you two.
“I’m 24 weeks. Do you guys want to know the gender?” You ask as you wipe away the stray tears that fell down your face.
“Uh duh!” Luke is the first to reply with his sassy tone. You lean your head on Ashton’s shoulder as you laugh at your friends waiting for you to spill the beans.
“So we are having...” Ashton does the fake freeze right as he’s about to tell them the gender to tease them.
“Fuck off Ash!”
“I’m dying over here!”
“Nah just fucking with you guys.” Ashton laugh as you shake your head at how idiotic your boyfriend is.
“W’re having....a little girl!” Ashton smiles proudly as he shares the gender of his precious angel growing inside mommy’s belly.
“Ahh!”
“A little princess!”
“Bro you’re in for a load of trouble!”
“Congrats!”
“Can’t wait to spoil her!”
“Hope she looks like you Y/N.”
The last comment is answered with a quick raise of the middle finger from your boyfriend. You smack his hand back down as you chat with your friends.
“We don’t have a name yet, but we have a couple in mind. We still have a couple weeks to figure that out.” You explain to them as they ask if a name has been given to the unborn child. The rest of the night is spent answering the millions of questions they had over the baby and you. When you all hung up Ashton and you head over to your bedroom to go to sleep.
As you lie in bed you feel her tiny little feet stretch out the left side of your stomach and move down towards the middle. You record a tiny clip of her feet rising against your skin and send it to your friends so they could see that this was the real deal.
Ashton comes back out of the bathroom and gently dives onto the bed with his face resting just above your stomach.
“Hi princess.” He hums as he presses sweet kisses on your bare belly. His large hand rests on the lower half of your bump.
“She’s getting active.” You laugh as you reach for his hand so he could feel her tiny kicks. His eyes glow in amazement as he feels her tiny feet kick up against his hand.
“She’s going to be a strong one just like her mamma. She can be a football player or even a wrestler be the best one out there. She can be a dancer, singer, actor. Maybe even a stunt double how cool would that be.” He throws out career ideas for your unborn daughter. You run your fingers through his damp hair as you smile down at him in admiration.
“No child of mine is being a stunt double. That’s an extremely dangerous career.” You pout.
“Okay, no stunt double.” Ashton smile as he presses on last kiss onto your stomach. He wiggles his way up to his pillow where he lies on his side to face you propping his head up to stare down at you.
“I love you.” He whispers as his eyes flow with love and admiration towards you.
“I love you too Ash. More than you know.” You reply. He smiles as he leans down to press a sweet kiss onto your lips. You rest your hand right under his jaw pulling him in closer to deepen the kiss.
“This is what got us into this situation in the first place.” He mumbles against your lips making you giggle.
“Go to bed you goober.” You kiss him one last time before lifting the sheets over your shoulder. Ashton stays up watching you sleep with a smile permanently resting on his face. He feels like the luckiest man alive.
He doesn’t know what he did to have a queen like you and a princess that was due in just a few short week to be in his life, but he thanks his lucky stars for it every night
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iggy-of-fans · 4 years
Text
Of Being a Ladybug 14
PREVIOUS     MASTER POST
Notes! @afewnovelideas you will find out about Jason in this! As for Barbara, I like her Oracle line the best, but frankly, a lot has happened, and she won’t be a huge factor in this story until way down the road.
@vixen-uchiha yes… I have. I am all caught up on Season 3 (finally) but I actively reject pretty much everything after Chameleon (which is when I started planning and outlining this story). I did take certain factors into this though, such as Marinette’s expulsion from school and Lila working with Gabriel. I just… am not restarting the Order quite yet.
This is not a heavy salt fic because these are naïve kids. Alya is just clueless and in denial, but not a bad person.
SEND ME ASKS!!!
The Cons of not knowing
(- - )
Tim stared at the screen in disbelief. Bruce sighed tiredly, wiping his hand down his face. He looked tired; Tim noted absentmindedly. Bags under his eyes indicating he hadn’t slept at all the night before. Dirt under his fingernails showing he’d gone to help in the city graveyards.
“An Akuma… Holy…” Tim couldn’t even think straight right now. Tim’s whole world was spinning off its axel. An Akuma. Joker was an Akuma all along. Who made him? Why? What were they thinking? What was the plan? And most importantly, were there others?
“He’s in Gotham General. He gets flashes sometimes, but he has no idea what is going on. Nothing makes sense to him. He’s asking about his mother and girlfriend, both deceased. He’s asking about Thomas Wayne” Bruce shakes his head. The world was going wonky.
“I… I can’t even make sense of this. How… what…?” Tim was beyond words right now. The Miracles didn’t have a lot of knowledge or understanding about the Miraculi. They knew how to use their powers and how to take down Akuma, but they were not detectives and they were not natural fighters. If anything, most of them were pacifists. But when he asked them and their kwami about the TWENTY-YEAR OLD AKUMA in Gotham, everybody just blinked.
“I’m going to see if Marinette has any insight. I’ll send Miss Seely back when she wakes up.”
The screen went blank and Tim just sat there. An Akuma… The implications…JASON!
He quickly fumbled his phone out in front of him and called Jason’s number. Nothing. He kept trying another three times before he remembered Cass was with him.
“Tim?”
“WHERE IS JASON?” He shouted. No, he didn’t normally get along well with Jason, but this…
“He is in the hospital. He got caught by the Horse Miraculous and was put into a windowless, doorless enclosure deep underground. He passed out from lack of oxygen before Constantine could get him out. What is wrong?”
“Are you at the hospital now? I need you to go to him immediately!”
“Why is this so urgent, Timothy?”
“BECAUSE JOKER WAS AN AKUMA!!!!”
There was a pause on the other end.
“Shit! I’ll call you back.”
Tim stared at his phone. Nothing for it now but to wait. He texted Dick. And tapped his foot impatiently while he waited. He stood up to pace. After a few runs of his apartment he checked his phone. A minute had passed. He texted Bruce about Jason. He continued pace. He’d never been very patient.
<(**)>
Marinette was sitting at the mega computer in the cave, staring listlessly at the screen, even as she typed another search into the bar. Bruce had received a text after the bombshell she had dropped and gone very pale. He’d run off to who-knows-where. Marinette had eaten breakfast and dragged her sore body down to the cave. She was no detective, but she could maybe write out what she knew, and hope Bruce could make sense of it all later.
According to my Miraculous tutor, the Miraculi are jewels that were created by a mage thousands of years ago, allowing the Gods of complex and abstract ideas, concepts or emotions to be combined with them and their powers harnessed. Created with the sole purpose of helping humanity, the Kwami were happy to serve, but eventually decided that there should be a way of controlling who received a Miraculous. And so, the Order of the Guardians came to be and then just as quickly destroyed. After the destruction of the Temple, the codex of information and two of the inner circle Miraculi were lost. Originally, Master Fu and I had thought that Hawkmoth had corrupted Nooroo, that Dusuu was likely broken in the collapse of the temple. However, with the new knowledge of Joker having been Akumatized for twenty years, it leads me to believe that either Nooroo was compromised before this or was desperately sending butterflies out in hopes of being found.
The Kwami can use their powers on their own, but the results are normally chaotic, as humans have been their main way of channelling them for so long. Some examples of failed attempts for Kwami to use their powers include the extinction of the dinosaurs, the fall of Atlantis, the leaning of the tower of Pisa, the plague and the Lazarus Pits. Many of these happened when Kwami were unbound.
“Marinette?” she turned to see Marlene walking towards her.
“How are you feeling?” she asked, closing the screen and turning around.
“Like I got hit by truck… thank you for your help last night. Tikki says that if you hadn’t offered your energy to me, the cure would have kept draining me until all the life had been drained from every single cell in my body. It’s the price I pay for not being a proper match…” Marlene was looking off into the cave, rubbing her neck.
“What do mean sucking your life force out?!”
“Let me explain,” Tikki popped out of Marlene’s jacket, “She means that, because she and I aren’t really compatible at all, that every time she uses the cure, it drains a little bit of life energy out of her.”
“WHAT?!” Marinette started to hyperventilate. Being Ladybug was LITERALLY KILLING MARLENE!
“It’s okay, normally the cure doesn’t need much, since it uses the magic of the Akuma to reverse the damage. At most, Marlene is loosing a few minutes every time she casts. If you hadn’t stepped in last night, then yeah, she would have died or lost quite a few years off her life it had been anyone else stepping in, but because it was you, you were able to take the strain completely onto yourself. You haven’t gone through the training, and neither did Master Fu, for all his good intentions. Marlene is a good person and a good TEMPORARY holder, but YOU are the best person to wield me and get the best results. Chat was a bad match, followed by, who should have been a good match but is corrupted. YOU are the only one who can stop this Marinette.”
“I can’t leave right now…”
“When the time is right, you will know. We all will.”
Tikki disappeared back to her pocket and Marlene stood there completely perplexed.
“Ah, Miss Seely. Time to be heading back to Paris. There is a Zeta Tube not far from here, and I will be happy to escort you there myself” Alfred offered, nodding to Marinette.
{ J }
In a hospital in Cologne Germany, Jason Todd slowly regained consciousness. He couldn’t really remember what happened, but looking around, he realized he was in a hospital bed. What the hell?
“Jason! You’re awake! Thank goodness” a girl with blue almond-shaped eyes and black hair came running into the room.
“Who the hell are you?”
TAG LIST IS FULL!
@maya-custodios-dionach @dur55 @driftingmoonlitpetals @kill-the-purses @annabellabrookes @a-marlene-s @queenmj10 @loveswifi @elmokingkong @aestheticnpoetic @animalgirl05 @northernbluetongue @lilacandcream @yin-390​ @silvergold-swirl @reyna-avila-ramirez-alreanaldo @goblinwhoships @weird-pale-blonde-person @moonlightstar64 @krispydefendorpolice @kuroko26 @ladylupa @jardimazul @welcometopradasa @thatrandomfandomgirl @imanerddealwith @sidd-hit-my-butt-ham @loysydark @nataladriana9 @thequeenofpotatoeunicornss @sassakitty @enchanted-nerd @maya-custodios-dinoch @a-marlene-s @whomthefyck @myazael @blackrosee3​ @dahjokester @lntimancy @vixen-uchiha @juhave @dorkus-minimus @captainartsypants @darknightchan @dagnysdawn @marinettepotterandplagg
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pochapal · 3 years
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rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore
[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]
ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 
#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 
#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 
#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.
#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.
#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!
#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 
#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.
#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?
#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.
#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.
god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.
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pixiedst · 4 years
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Dance With Me 02 // KYG
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Request from @lost-midnight-flower​​
Hiii can I request a got7 fic? Maybe something along the lines of meeting the guys at a fan meeting or something and one of them falling head over heals with the reader? That seems pretty cute to me, is that weird? If you choose to write this, you can pick which member you want to write about ^^ have a great day/evening ahead!
Genre: Fluff Pairing: Reader x Yugyeom Rating: PG-13 Warnings: None Description: Dance studio owner Y/N meets Yugyeom at a fan sign. Word Count: 3,694
Index // Part One // Part Three // Part Four
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”I’m gonna be honest, I enjoyed the bunny ears,” Yugyeom says and takes her copy of the album to sign.
“Hilarious,” Y/N says. “Turn to the next page.”
He does as he’s told and finds a beige envelope with a glittery, red heart sticker sealing it. He lifts it and scoffs. “How radiant.”
“If you don’t want it, I’ll-“, but before her fingers can reach it, he pulls away.
“No way! I wanna know more about you! I am not losing this chance.”
Y/N tries to keep a straight face, but she can tell from Yugyeom’s laugh that her cheeks are red enough to betray her. He’s different today. Bolder. She looks at the fans next to her. Can they hear them? They seem busy enough with their conversations.
She likes this, though. It’s a different side to him. Before she can say anything else, the staff orders her to move. As she gathers her things, she glances back at Yugyeom one last time to flash a smile.
He winks.
-
Dear Yugyeom,
Here is the letter you asked for.
Yours, Y/N
Yugyeom stifles a laugh and reads further.
Okay, I’m kidding. I’m writing this after watching your beautifully entitled V-Live “OLOLOLO”. Mark noticed my comment and asked for me: what have you been up to lately? It inspired me to write this.
Do you wanna know why I started dancing? I watched Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses as a kid. I wanted to travel to a secret land where I could dance with magical statues to classical music by instruments that played themselves. Needless to say, when I found out none of that was real, I was devastated.
But what kept most of that fantasy a reality was the dancing. My parents understood how much I wanted to be a dancer and enrolled me in ballet class. I was horrible, hated it immensely, and my dream of becoming a princess withered.
Years passed, and they let me enroll in a hip hop dance class, and that’s where I found my rhythm. My body was comfortable with the music, and I was satisfied with the setting. I knew I wanted to be a professional dancer.
But my parents’ understanding ended there. It thrilled them to have a daughter who could dance, but they felt that choosing it as a career was impractical. After years of begging, proving my worth through recitals and gold medals, they never changed their minds.
I graduated with a business degree. They wanted me to start a business, so I did. I started my studio. They tried to get angry, but they knew they had no reason to be. I did what they wanted me to do, and with the skills I learned, I added my own twist. I never broke a rule. 
Until now, they’re unhappy with my decision, but they’re less angry. I think that’s all right. I still meet with them every few weeks because I love them despite the sacrifices they forced me to make. But looking back, it’s safe to say they were good for me. With my level of skill before university, I wouldn’t have been able to get into any of the performing arts schools. I only joined the dance team in my school and used that experience to start my studio. Not a bad deal.
You might be wondering why I’m telling you all this. That V-Live struck a chord in me. Bambam said to not be ashamed, so here I am, shamelessly presenting my life story to you.
Here’s my social media if you want to see me dance. This is a huge step for me, but I think this is a good way for me to let go of doubts and embrace the unknown instead.
Instagram: @dancingseoul
YouTube: Dancing Seoul Studio
Thank you again for inspiring me to be where I am now. You’re the best.
Yours, Y/N
Yugyeom’s mind races. He’s only met this person three times, but despite the brief interactions, she trusted him enough with this personal story. There is nothing more he wants for her but success. He wants to see her studio run out of slots for enrollments. He wants millions of people to subscribe to her YouTube channel. It’s what she deserves. Life is too cruel to keep that from her.
He checks her Instagram. It’s cute. Majority of the posts are dance videos and pictures of the studio, but she slides in a few selfies now and then. Their family is small, but she looks happy. He smiles. He likes seeing her happy.
He stops on a selfie from two years ago. She barely aged. The only difference is her hair, which in this photo shows a light brown shade and a fringe. Cute. He taps twice and continues to scroll.
Within a few more photos down, he freezes.
Wait. Did he...
He hurries back up, a scream locked in his throat. His muscles tense, and his breathing goes rigid. Why can’t he find it? He’s back in the recent ones. Did he miss it again? He scrolls back down, slower this time, but the pace is almost killing him. She must have seen the notification by now.
When he finally finds it, he taps on the heart and drops his phone on the bed. He sighs. There’s no use. He’ll have to explain himself next time they meet. 
Maybe they can pretend it never happened, but based on their brief interactions and the way she writes her letters, that’s highly unlikely. Typical. Just another person in his life to tease him indefinitely.
He smiles. For the members, it’s nothing new. But for Y/N? Maybe it won’t be so bad.
-
How to React to Your Idol Liking Your Instagram Photo: A Tutorial With Y/N
Drop your phone on the floor
Scramble to check your phone is okay
Scream in your pillow
Cry (optional)
Take a screenshot to preserve the memory
She frowns. He liked that photo? Why did she even upload it? What was she thinking? Her hair was a mess, and she was sweating like she’d been in a sauna. And the angle? She can’t even process how embarrassing her selfie skills were two years ago. She taps on the three dots and hovers her thumb over the “Archive” button. 
What if he did like it, though? Maybe he thought she looked… pretty. She scoffs. That’s ridiculous. She’s not terrible looking, but she could never compare to the girls he must see every day. Twice literally works in the same building as him. He can’t possibly look at her and think she’s pretty. 
But she is open to possibilities. Sometimes. Only this time.
Y/N smiles. She exits the app and places her phone on the bedside table. The thought rings in her mind, and she can’t help but bury her face is her pillow. Wouldn’t it be nice, though?
Wouldn’t it be nice if Kim Yugyeom found her pretty?
-
“Is it her?” Bambam asks.
“No,” Yugyeom replies, and flashes a smile at the fan in front of him and accepts a stuffed toy.
So, his secret is out. The members caught on and have been playing telephone throughout the event. Yugyeom just has to suffer from being seated in the middle this time. 
“Is it her?” Bambam asks, not even looking away from his next fan.
“No, but she’s almost here.”
Bambam laughs as he allows the fan to place a scarf around his neck. Yugyeom wishes nothing more than to run away and never come back. His members are extra smiley and observing each fan who comes their way, trying to figure out which of them was able to steal the maknae’s heart. 
Oh, God, please keep it subtle, he prays. 
And there she is. His breath hitches, and he blinks a few times to avoid making a complete fool of himself.
“Hello,” His voice cracks. 
So much for subtle.
Bambam and Youngjae laugh, and the girls they’re talking to join in. Fantastic.
He clears his throat and repeats himself. “Hello.”
Y/N smiles. “Did you drink enough water today? You don’t want your voice to crack like that again.”
He can feel Bambam and Youngjae solve the puzzle. It’s only a matter of time before the information leaks to the rest.
“No letter today, sorry. I figured the previous one already showed a lot. I don’t even know what to say anymore,” she says.
He pulls the album closer to him and signs. “That’s okay. I really enjoyed reading it. I got to know you a little better.”
Y/N presses her lips together before she leans in to reply, “You seem to have enjoyed my Instagram, too.”
Yugyeom laughs and pink rises in his cheeks. “I’m sorry about that. I was just going through your dance videos and accidentally pressed like on your selfie. You’re a really talented dancer, though! I’m impressed!”
Nice save. That was a nice save, right?
“Nice save.” So it was not. “But thank you for the compliment. I wasn’t sure about that selfie, though.”
“I thought you looked cute,” he says. She looks away shyly. “But really, though. You’re an incredible dancer. I hope your studio gets the recognition it deserves.”
-
“I’m so tired,” Jia says and slides to the floor as the rest of the team gather their things.
Areum ties her hair and wipes the sweat around her neck. “Me too. I’m so glad it’s Saturday. I can stay up all night watching Luna’s Hotel.”
“New drama?” Y/N asks.
“Mhm! It’s my second one this week!” she replies.
How she finished yet another drama, Y/N has no idea. It’s surprising enough that she has the energy to teach dance despite barely getting any sleep. Sunhee, on the other hand, has been slowing down. Apparently, she’s been getting into GOT7.
None of them know about Y/N’s interest in the group. If anything, the members themselves are the only ones who do. Nobody else is aware of his influence on her career, and she prefers to keep it that way. She doesn’t want them to think she’s weird and obsessed.
“If they’re just gonna show off their relationship every two seconds, they might as well get married,” Sunhee grumbles as she stares at her phone.
“I know. It’s all they ever post about. We get it. They’re dating,” Jia says.
“Who’s dating?” Y/N asks.
Sunhee turns her phone and reveals the screen. Y/N leans in to get a better view. It’s a picture of Hyuna and Dawn. His hand is on her waist, and she’s kissing his cheek while he looks at the camera with a slightly tucked chin and close-lipped smile. It’s a cute picture.
“What’s wrong with them dating?”
“It’s disrespectful to the fans!” Areum says.
“How is falling in love disrespectful?”
Jia scoffs. “Typical of you to say that, really. Listen. Celebrities exist to entertain, meaning the audience can form emotional attachments to them. Dating someone completely destroys that bond they formed with their fans. It’s disrespectful for that sole reason. Do you get it?”
Y/N wishes she could reply with, “Typical of you to say that, really,” but stops herself. Maybe she should just agree. What’s the point of disagreeing when it will only leave her out of the group even more? It’s funny how she’s technically the boss, yet they treat her like another colleague. Where is the respect?
Part of it is her fault, though. She can’t be too restricting, and she is desperate to keep them with her. She doesn’t want to admit it, but she needs them. Sure, she wants a circle of friends, but she also needs them for her business. What would she do without them?
But she cannot let them win this time. She just can’t agree with them.
“I understand that there’s a bond between celebrities and their fans, but they don’t just exist to entertain. They’re more than just faces on a screen. They’re human beings, and the fans are only falling in love with a small portion of their real selves. You see how much training they have to go through just to debut. They have to be as close to perfect as possible because they’ll be in front of hundreds of cameras. What I’m saying is that underneath all that perfection, they are regular people who fall in love too. Being a celebrity doesn’t take that away.”
Sunhee shakes her head. “I bet you haven’t fallen in love with an idol before.” Her voice wavers. How pathetic. “It’s like chasing a cloud. You just look at them from afar, and that’s all you can do.” She sighs. “You wouldn’t understand.”
They pick up their things and head to the door. Jia leaves last and says, “See you on Monday, Boss.”
Y/N only responds with a nod and a weak smile.
Jia called her ‘boss’. If only she felt worthy of the title. She sighs and takes their place on the floor and closes her eyes. She could really use another surprise live. Anything GOT7 always made her feel better.
She walks to the speakers and plugs her phone before clicking on shuffle and running to the center of the room.
When the music begins, it’s like the rhythm is beating for her. Y/N always had to think before she spoke, analyze every word the rest of the world said, but in this room, there is no language but the movement of her body. There is no law but the music running through her veins. As she dances to the beat, her feet and legs and knees scream at her to rest, but she doesn’t listen. Moments like these are precious to her. This is her territory. This is home.
A knock on the door puts her off balance. She groans. Everybody knows not to interrupt her when she’s dancing. Did someone forget something? There doesn’t seem to be anything left behind. She rushes to her phone and pauses the music. She grabs a towel and wipes her sweat before she reaches for the door. 
“Listen, we’re clo-” But her voice gets trapped. 
Standing before her is none other than Kim Yugyeom.
-
Y/N doesn’t know what to do. She has dealt with defending her dream to her family, lost relationships because no one believed in her, and handled three difficult-to-please girls for two years. She got through those hurdles without a scratch, but as she stands before Yugyeom, her throat is dry and her knees buckle. 
Her fantasies could never live up to this. Not enough fan fiction prepared her for this moment, and frankly, she’s not sure if there is anything in the world to do that. This is her idol, her hero, the entire reason she has her studio today—the very studio he’s in. Well, sort of in. He’s only at the door frame, and this must be the moment she steps aside to let him in, but her body remains still. 
“Hello,” he says, his voice low. “I don’t really want to be seen right now. Can I come in?”
Like a hypnotist’s snap, she blinks and regains control of her senses. She quickly nods and steps aside, still unable to find her words. 
Yugyeom seems to be doing just fine. He walks around the room like a tourist in a museum and gapes at every little thing she’s sure the JYP building has and more. After admiring the speakers, he turns around and faces her. 
“Do you mind if I…” He unzips a few inches of his hoodie and meets her eyes, a quiet permission to take it off. 
She nods and almost chokes when her eyes land on his arms. He’s wearing a muscle tee today. Her heart beats louder than the speakers on maximum volume. He places the hoodie on a bench against the wall, and even that is enough to make her breathing go rigid. Everything he does is so godlike, she doesn’t know if she’s worthy of this front-row seat.
“So… how did you find my studio?”
“The address is on your Instagram.” 
Of course. Heat rises in her cheeks. Given she’s already humiliated herself, maybe she should create a list of them to slap herself in the face with when this is all over. 
“Right,” She rubs the back of her neck. “What are you doing here then? Do you need a place to practice or something?” 
He shakes his head and walks to her. “I wanted to see you.” 
Y/N is sure he can hear her heartbeat. “You… you wanted to see me?” 
He nods. “I really like talking to you, and I thought since we barely got the chance to know each other through the fan signs, maybe we could step outside of those and become real friends. You seem like a really interesting person, and I want to get to know you more.”
What’s with the sudden confession? Her entire face must be red right now. With his eyebrows raised and a small smile forming, he’s definitely having fun with her reaction. She takes a step back in hopes of the distance giving her space to breathe. 
But why would he want to be friends with her? She’s just a low-rate dancer with a small studio. What could he find interesting about her? She scans his face, and he lowers his eyebrows, but his smile never fades. He’s not kidding.
“All right,” she says and takes a step forward. “But we have to keep this a secret. If my friends find out, I’ll never see the end of their complaints.” 
She hates to admit it, but she almost regrets saying that. Being friends with Kim Yugyeom could be the turning point in their relationship. She can almost imagine it. They would pay more attention, listen to everything she has to say without disregarding it, and they might even like her. They’d listen to her stories about Yugyeom behind the scenes and whine. They’d be jealous of her. How enthralling is that? To have someone be jealous of her for once…
Did she really think all that in a few seconds? She sighs and lowers her head. 
“What’s wrong?” 
“Nothing,” she mutters and meets his eyes again. “It’s best if no one finds out. I don’t want to risk having my entire life change.” 
“I get it.” He looks at the speakers on his left before turning back to her. “You were dancing to Teenager.” 
“Huh? Oh. Yeah, I was. I should be home by now, but I was feeling a bit stressed and needed to get it off my chest.”
He walks to the speakers and picks up her phone. “This might be a weird question, but can I see you dance?” When she doesn’t reply, he adds, “I want to see the Y/N I heard so much about. By ‘heard’, I mean ‘read’.” 
She walks toward him. “Weren’t you just on my Instagram? You could see me dance there.”
He laughs. “Yeah, but you mostly post your students’ performances. And on Youtube, too. You don’t give yourself enough screen time. I wanna see you.” 
The light just above him shines on his skin, and the shadows sharpen his features. His black muscle tee and jeans give off the illusion that his skin is paler, he almost looks like a vampire. A sexy dancing vampire. There is something about him that’s so captivating. 
Y/N was never good with words. Dancing was always easier. She’s sure he can agree, and that’s when it hits her. Maybe he does have a reason to want to be her friend. He found someone he could relate to. 
“Sit down. I’ll show you something no one’s seen yet.” His smile rises to the ends of his cheeks. “Consider yourself lucky.”
“I’m very lucky.” 
“Now this isn’t finished yet. It’s supposed to be for two people, and I haven’t choreographed the entire song or the boy’s part. What you’re about to see is completely raw and unfixed. It might not be pretty.” 
“I’m sure it’ll be beautiful.”
I am Yours by Andy Grammer fills the room, and her body moves in an instant. She thought she’d be nervous dancing in front of her idol, but it’s the very reason the confidence surges through her. She follows every beat with her feet, with her arms, with her whole being until she sinks into the melody.
You know I need you Like you’re oxygen Be my atmosphere Let me breathe you in So I can try to tell you I love you
She twirls under an imaginary hand, which her mind immediately portrays as Yugyeom’s. Her heart soars at the image, and it pushes her further. Her body is tired, but she can’t find the energy to stop. 
Still can’t believe it when you say you’re mine and I am yours, I am yours
With one final spin, she halts and meets his eyes. 
I am yours. 
She doesn’t know what he’s thinking. There is no expression on his face. His gaze is completely fixed on hers, and it almost glows under the lights. His breathing is quick like he was the one dancing. 
“What-” She tries to catch her breath, but she can’t tell if her struggle is from the dance. “What do you think?”
He swallows and licks his lips. “I’m thinking…” Y/N grips the hem of her shirt. “I want to be your partner.”
Her eyes almost pop out of their sockets. “What?” 
He gets up and walks straight to her like time is running out. “I wanna dance to this with you. You haven’t finished the choreography, right?”
“Yeah, but-”
“And you said you needed a partner. A boy. Well, I’m available, and I want the part.”
“But Yug-”
He takes her hands, and her body freezes. “Dance with me.” 
She shivers under his touch, but she makes her decision. With her heart and mind racing at once, she nods and says, “Okay.”
-
Part Three
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After All These Years (All Might x Reader)
Hi guys, this is part 2 to A Hero’s Sacrifice, if you haven’t read it please do. But, you don’t have to. That’s just at All Might’s point of view. Anyways, yeah. I just want to post these stories because they keep me up at night and it’s like I have to write them down. This one’s a little longer though. 
Warnings: None. 
Summary: You are still in love with the number one hero after fifteen years of his departure until life decided you two aren’t quite finish yet.
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“Can you believe it? The great All Might, number one hero, is- I can’t believe it! What’s left of a great man is nothing but a scrawny and weak man! Can you see this? His true form!” Tears fell from your eyes as the camera zoomed in on the beaten, bloody and broken All Might. The man that broke your heart. But even to this day, there were feelings there that were strong and vivid. How could you stop loving him? His face was literally everywhere, taunting and reminding you of the pain. But you pushed those feelings aside and worried for the blonde haired blue eyes man. You were concerned and already analysing the wounds on his body, they were very serious. 
That was the day that All Might could finally be Toshinori Yagi. 
The day you thought would perhaps hate and forget about him.
But, boy were you wrong.
For the next few weeks, his face appeared everywhere. His beautiful skinny and lanky form was the headline on every newspaper article, blog, tv show, truck, busses, trains. It was everywhere. That was the part of him that made you love him the most. Made you want him. Don’t get me wrong, the muscles and firm weren’t ugly but when he revealed to you Toshinori Nagi, you knew it was a sign of his trust.
Glaring at the picture on your phone, rage bubbled inside of you as you remembered the words written on that damned piece of paper. ‘I don’t love you anymore.’ At first you cried for days and tried and tried to call the man but he blocked you, literally blocked you out of his life. Shunned and rejected all your efforts of seeking security and comfort. It tormented you of how you weren't enough for the great hero. Nothing about you wasn’t good enough. All your love and dedication wasn’t enough for the man to stay. 
In fact that was a constant insecurity of yours during your relationship with the Toshinori Yagi. To which he would prove with smooth and silky whispers of why he loved you, why he wanted and needed you. Then seal it when a long night full of passionate love making.
But you understood, one day you weren’t worth it anymore. 
You were plain. 
To be honest you were really mundane. You didn’t even have the uniqueness of being quirkless, instead stuck with a quirk of rapid healing abilities through a kiss but it only stretched that far. You worked a normal job, being the owner of a small restaurant that swerved traditional japanese food with the odd American dish. In fact, that’s how you met All Might. He was a regular customer that came to eat once a week. But since your restaurant was on the poorer and less populated side of town, not a lot of young people came, only the old folk who looked for somewhere peaceful and homie, kept your business going. Until one night, All Might decided to ask you if you’d join him and of course you did - after the blushes and stutters - and from then on, every Friday night he ate dinner with you. 
Hell, even the way you met was ordinary. Toshinori didn’t save you from an evil super villain or clash into you as you were walking down a busy road. 
That was probably why he left because you were boring.
All the thoughts caused you to throw the phone away as you flopped on your bed, pondering back into the past. It wasn’t healthy to dwell so much on the times of fifteen years ago, but you couldn’t help it. You were still fiercely in love with him. 
You tried to move on.
Dated a few guys over the years, even got married once but it still wasn’t the same.. There wasn’t the spark. The chemistry. It was as if you just settled for them because they were there. And they didn’t make you laugh or smile or feel the way Toshinori did. 
He was so different. 
Passionate and determined. 
It was ride or die with him.
After several hours of tossing and turning, reminiscing on the past, you decided to go for a walk. Maybe a stroll would help tire you out and give you a better place to think. Instead of the plain yellow walls of your lonely house that reminded you of All Might. So, grabbing the warm coat that hung up on your wall and slipping into your shoes, you left the house and stepped into the bitter cold of the early morning.
The morning you woke up to find the empty house and bed, you thought it was one of All Might’s supposed to be funny pranks. But after calling and waiting patiently all day for the man, you still had hope. Still believed it was a prank. Until months later, you realised he wasn’t coming back. He was gone.
To say it broke you was an understatement. 
It shattered your soul. The very fibre of your being at the time was taken over by pain, grief and sorrow like someone had punched a hole into your heart. There were many days and nights of laying on your couch watching television with all the channels that did not have All Might on it. Wasting your days away. Everywhere you went, there was his smile that tortured you. Saying how happier he was without you. How much he was doing fine without you. That he really meant that he didn’t love you.
You started to have nightmares of him. Some were sweet, like a dream but then you’d wake up and become crushed by the brutal honesty of reality. To wake up alone and cold. Empty bed. Empty room. Empty house. Even on the nights when there was someone next you. You even dreamt of memories you had of him, the ones that you were fond of. Like the one where you were able to watch him train with some other heroes. Although no one really understood why you were there or why All Might escorted you, according to your Toshinori it was because you were a huge fan that won a pass of somesort. But the truth of the matter was that you wanted to see him train. Begged and pestered All Might for weeks, until he finally caved. You could still hear his laugh ringing in your ears or the words of encouragement he gave his fellow heros or the way he’d scream-
“Plus Ultra!” Yeah, it sounded exactly like that.
Without warning a sudden slab of concrete started falling down rapidly on top of your frame. You were taken aback for a second because these situations don’t happen to people like you. Opening your mouth to scream, a sudden flash of green came into view and you caught the glimpse of a boy no older than 15 punching the slab to nothing but rubble.
“Everything’s going to be alright now...because I’m here.” And within seconds I was suddenly sitting on a bus stop further away from where the debris was falling and I watched the flash of green, pummel a villain across the sky and far away. I was shocked and taken back.
“W-what just happened?” Inquiring to myself, I noticed the boy that just saved my life plummeted to the ground and was clearly unconscious. “Oh no.” As if on instinct my body moved and quickly let the boy fall on me before he hit the solid ground which would surely have broken a few bones. “Ow.” Grumbling under my breath, I quickly held the boy and checked to see if he had any injuries. But it seemed his arm was bruised but not broken. “I should call the cops and ambulance.” Muttering to myself, I reached for my phone and dialed the police’s number and looked down at the boy as if he’d suddenly die.
“...All Might…” The freckled kid muttered under his breath and I froze. Remembering the flash of green and what he said as he saved me from my death. It reminded me of him. Toshinori Yagi. All Might. The power, the smile, the determination. All of it reminded me of him. And the next thing I knew, I carried the boy on my back and headed back to my place to tend to his injuries.
What are you doing? You should call the police and let the ambulance take care of him. Biting my bottom lip nervously, I eyed the teenager lying on my couch with no injuries , just obvious signs of exhaustion. What is wrong with you? Just because he reminds you of All Might doesn’t mean you should have taken the kid. Hell, this is considered a kidnapping. I let out a sigh but still didn’t make a move to call the police or ambulance, the only way I was going to calm my nerves was to cook. 
Yes, perfect idea.
Cook your problems away.
Soon enough the teen woke up from his slumber just in time for a hot meal, where I could thank and explain the situation. This is so stupid. I am a thirty one year old woman and here I was acting from my feelings like a little high school girl. Baka.
“How do you like it? Is it good enough?” Asking the male with a small smile, he scratched the back of his head and nodded politely. Eagerly bouncing his head up and down. “I know this may seem strange, that I suddenly brought you back to my place. Please don’t take it the wrong way. You, you just reminded me of someone and...you can call your parents or police if you want to.” Bowing my head in shame, I felt my cheeks redden out of embarrassment.
“N-no it's fine. In fact you saved me back there, I would be in trouble right now if you didn’t save me. Not just from the police, but from my Mother but also my men-teacher. I’m not really supposed to be beating up villains.” His cheeks turned red as he admitted the truth but I laughed. It’s been awhile since I had company. It was nice really. “But I couldn’t stop myself, there were no heroes around and I was there. And my body is just...it…”
“It moved as if on instinct. Like you didn’t have to think but instantly reacted like you were meant to be there.” I finished the young aspiring heroes question while slurping up the noodles and soup in my bowl. He widened his eyes and nodded proudly and happily.
“Y-yeah! Exactly that. Say, were you a hero?” I laughed at his idea and nearly choked on my food. Me? A hero? Oh no, I did not like violence of any sort. Small or big. It wasn’t just in my nature. That’s why I am the way I am. Normal.
“Oh no, no, no. Someone really close to me would tell me stories of what it was like being a hero.” A proud grin itched my lips as I recalled the nights where I wouldn’t be able to sleep and would ask Toshinori to tell me what it was like. He’d hold me close and gush about the feeling. It almost made me want to be one, just to understand that thrill. That primal drive and instinct.
“Woah! Sugoi. He sounds like a great man.” Something sparkled behind his innocent doe eyes. I watched as he dug into the hot meal in front of him like he hadn’t eaten at all. It was hard to believe that an innocent kid like him had a dangerous and deadly power. 
“Yeah, the greatest.” I muttered under my breath and smiled. “What’s your name kiddo?” 
“Hmm…” The freckled kid quickly swallowed the food in his mouth and gave me a warm smile. “My hero name is Deku but my real name is Izuku Midoriya.” Izuku Midoriya huh? I’m gonna remember that. The boy who saved my life with a smile. I nodded and continued to eat my meal.
Midoriya and I chatted for a while, he told me about his aspirations and dreams of becoming the number one hero like All Might. He also showed me a notebook full of different heroes and their weaknesses and strengths, along with some of his friends from his school. He was going to be a fine hero. I thought as I listened intently into the things he was saying. So fiery and youthful. It really has been a long time since these walls heard another’s laughter and voice. I was grateful. He helped clean up and even stayed a little while longer just to talk with me. I’m pretty sure he could tell I was a lonely woman by the evidence of no other person living in the house. No photos. No other shoes. No mess. I felt kinda embarrassed but pushed those feelings aside.
“You know- I mean who’s this?” Midoriya suddenly questioned and held a picture frame of a old photo of me and Toshinori, in his original form and we were both smiling and happy. A sudden pain hit my chest at the sight. I’m sure I hid that photo. 
“Oh that…” I stared at the picture. It was our first official date where he took me out to a festival night as Toshinori and we decided to leave the mass crowd to go walk by the beach. I took the photo since I had a polaroid camera back then. We were both younger. “That’s just an old picture of a man I loved once.” Still loved. 
“Oh...what happened?”  Midoriya really seemed interested and intrigued which took me by surprise. When I was his age, I grimaced at the idea of romance finding it completely boring. Mind you, I was a late bloomer. My childish, naive and innocent ways of thinking still seeped in from time to time, even at this age. 
“Uh, it just didn’t work out. He wanted to follow another path that didn’t involve me in it.” Answering honestly, a few tears slid down my cheeks as the memory of the still adamant turmoil stung me once again. But I quickly wiped the tears away and politely took the photo off of the young boy to put it away.
“I’m sorry.” Midoriya apologised as if it were his fault. But I laughed and shook my head. He pouted his bottom lip as if he knew something was up, tears burning at the corners of his eyes. This kid was really emotional. He wiped his tears away with the back of his sleeve. “I just...I know someone that went through that.” Midoriya replied and I gave him a sympathetic smile, pulling him into my arms as a way to say, it’s not your fault. 
“It’s okay. It’s really okay. It’s not your fault.” He was strange. I thought and pulled away at the sound of someone knocking at the door. “That must be your teacher.” I piped up and watched as his eyes widened in shock. Attitude completely changed. I then turned to answer the door, because it would be rude  to leave a guest standing outside in the cold. 
“W-wait...there’s something I need to te-” Midoriya attempted to irk at me but it was too late, another familiar deep and silky smooth voice interrupted. My heart dropped at the sound. The sound I’ve been longing for, for years. I stood in shock as I saw the familiar mop of blonde hair although rough and messy, he still looked like the old him. I was lost for words and was in complete shock.
“I deeply apologise for my student’s behaviour. Please forgive him, it was my fault that I didn’t keep a closer eye on the young boy. I apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused. I am very very so-”
“T-toshinori..” I whispered just above my breath so that the male could hear, I watched his whole body tense and freeze on the spot. 
Fifteen years I waited for your return. 
Fifteen long and miserable years of dark days and happy days.
Fifteen years of trying to move on
Fifteen years of heartache.
All the emotions over the past years suddenly caught up to me in that single moment, rage, happiness, sorrow, anxiety, depression, loneliness, shock and frustration. It all swirled inside of me like a deep ache. My body felt completely exhausted as if the lack of sleep suddenly caught up. I gripped the door knob tightly in my hand as hot tears fell from my orbs one by one, timid and slow. 
Toshinori stayed bowing for a long time as if he was afraid to look up at me. Afraid to see me again after all these years. As if I had an affect on him? As if he still loved me? As if….Then our eyes locked. Brown and blue. It was like living a dream, a need that suddenly came back to life. But I didn’t expect for it to look like this. Both messy and worn out. 
I let my eyes delicately study his features as if breathing him for the first time and he did the same, licking me up with his eyes like it was the first time we met. Although the years might have not done me any good, it seemed as if Toshinori had gotten even hotter. Others might disagree but I didn’t really care what others thought. I drummed to my own beat. He had more stress lines but seemed a lot more buff even in his state like this. Like he’s been working out. The irises of blue were no longer as dark as they were fifteen years ago, they seemed lighter, more sky-like instead of staring into the pools to the ocean. Hair grown darker, no longer that kind of easy going blonde but now worn out and unhealthy. He seemed exhausted. Tired. Lonely and miserable. Or maybe I was making that up. Either way it felt real. I took a step closer to the male who didn’t dare to tear his watch away. Smile now dropped into a thin line. His clothes were still baggy on him but I didn’t mind. In fact, I missed it. I missed him so much.
Fifteen long years, I waited for you. 
And I should hate you. 
Hate you so much.
But, I can’t.
I should.
But love is funny like that.
I even set up a whole speech of what I would say to you if we ever met,  I would slap you, scream at you, give you a piece of my mind. Make you feel my pain and hurt. Make you suffer like I did. Just so you could understand how lonely I’ve been all these years. However, you didn’t seem that well put together. In fact you looked just as bad as me. You look as if you haven’t had a proper meal, a proper kiss, a proper love. These years haven’t been as great as you let on. I thought to myself as I took steady steps towards the man I gave my heart to a long time ago. His hands reached out to touch my face and touched me with so much tenderness, it felt as if he was afraid I would fall apart. Or fade. Or run. But I didn’t. Instead I jumped on  Toshinori and held him like he would crumble. My arms finally embracing and feeling the familiarity of his body. Even after all these years, we still fit like two perfect pieces of a puzzle.
He held me just as tight, burying himself into me and inhaled my scent just as I did his. 
I started to wail, my voice muffled by his clothes and shoulder. He heard me though. He felt it too. I felt it in the way he embraced me like Toshinori was forcing us to become one. I could feel his heartbeat against my own, fast yet finally complete.
After all these years.
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onceuponaloonatic · 4 years
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Sai visiting the triplets' apartment after finals ended and they play Cards Against Humanity with booze ‐🍊
When the triplets became old enough to drink, Sai had been the one to introduce them to alcohol. Sure their parents had given them all half a cup of wine and beer to try but Sai had been the one to really introduce them to the hard stuff. She had even introduced Saya and Saki to it before they were old enough to drink. She knew they were going to parties in high school, and she wanted to be there with them as they tried it for the first time and found out their limits. Sure Sai would always see her sisters as babies, but it was nice to have them as her drinking buddies. Especially Saya and Saki, Sae had little to no tolerance. If Mina, Sana, and Tzuyu knew about it they never intervened. Sai may sound like a bad influence, but she always kept their safety in mind. She would always look out for the little sisters. No matter what.
Sai had graduated college by the time her sisters were in it. But she knew how stressful it was, and on breaks from her schedule she would go visit them. Especially right after finals. She had texted Sae to say she was coming over, but when she showed up the triplets were all still a bit surprised.
“Unnie? Is that beer?” Saya asked as she saw a six pack of beer in her sister's hand.
“You know it is.” Sai giggled. “Now let me in, it’s cold.” Saya stepped to the side and Sai came in, setting the beer down on the kitchen table. 
“Hey Unnie.” Saki was on the couch flipping through the channels. “Hey Sak.” Sai smiled at her little sister.
“You know I’ve never understood that nickname. Saki only has one more syllable-”
“I’ve been calling you that since you were seven, don’t try to overanalyze it now.” Sai rolled her eyes, throwing Saki a beer. “Where’s Sae?” 
“Shower.” Saya informed as she came into the living room, grabbing a can of beer and opening it. “She was out with Dae.” 
“Oh really?” “Yeah but he had to go home to babysit Haeun.” Saki explained. “Anyway, what did you have in mind for tonight?” “Well I was thinking maybe we could play cards.” Sai put the bag she was carrying on her shoulder down. “I brought cards against humanity.” “Cards against humanity and booze?” Saya asked. “Have I ever told you you're the best sister ever?” 
“No never. You have never been nice to me once.” Sai rolled her eyes as she pulled the box of cards out. “And after I’ve always been so generous to you.” “This is the first nice thing you’ve done in like a year.” Saya nodded, pulling out the black cards and setting them aside. 
“Hey I’ve done tons of nice stuff for you throughout your entire life you ungrateful brat.” Sai nudged her sister's side. “Anyway, we can’t start until Sae is ready.” “I know.” Saya nodded. “I’m just shuffling the cards.” “Go ahead.” Sai took a can of beer and opened it. “How was finals?” “Tiring, but it’s over now.” Saki moved to a better spot on the couch to play the game. “How’s idol life?” “It has its ups and downs.” Sai nodded. “I did a shoot with mom and Nico, it was some kind of generational feature for a magazine or something. That was fun. I was worried because she was so excited in the car, but when we got there she was super professional.” “Mom’s had her doing modeling jobs since she was born.” Saki shrugged. “Unlike the rest of us apparently it’s okay if Nico does it.” “Well I think it’s more that Nico wants to do it. I did a shoot with mom once when I was three and mom said I had a huge diva meltdown, and I’m sure she thought all three of you at once would be a lot.” Sai explained. “I get where she’s coming from, Nico is the most mellow of us as a toddler.” “I suppose. Sae was pretty mellow though right?” “Sae was afraid of everything.” Sai scoffed. “The first time mom took you guys to one of her shoots Sae started crying because of the flashing lights.” “Really?” Saya laughed at the thought.
“Yeah. Plus any time moms had you guys do family photoshoots just for us you were always the worst. Saya you could never stay still, Sae would usually start crying, and Saki you just followed Sae and Saya.” Sai laughed at the memory. “I don’t remember much, I was only five at the time. But I did remember you guys causing lots of headaches. Mama says I did too, but Nico is the most mellow of us all. The girl couldn’t be a headache if she tried.” “She is pretty sweet.” Saki laughed. 
“Oh she can be a headache.” Saya groaned, taking another sip of beer. “At least she can be to me. She’s locked me out of the house twice, taken my keys because she thought they were a toy, and much much more.” “Yeah but you signed yourself up for that. Your the one who acts like you hate her the most, of course she’s going to torture you.” Sai commented. “It’s payback for being such a bitch Saya.” “Shut up.” Saya rolled her eyes. “I was fifteen.” “You still act like it, Saya.” Saki laughed at her fellow triplet. She turned when she heard the water for the shower turn off. “It sounds like Sae is done.” “Oh finally. I see princess Sae still showers forever.” Sai mentioned, taking another sip of beer and starting to deal out white cards face down. “Yeah, I’ve tried to start cutting her down to forty five minutes or less. She steals all the hot water.” Saya whined.
“You take like ten minute showers at the most.” Saki rolled her eyes. “You are largely unaffected by Sae’s showers.” “Well I like them short and sweet.” Saya retorted. “It’s better than Sae’s bathes that she takes at four am.” “Sae takes baths at four am?” Sai asked, clearly confused. “She says it’s for when her period hits her at night. Apparently the hot water helps.” Saki shrugged. “Makes sense.” Sai nodded, finishing dealing out the cards. “Did you see the new video of Nic mom posted on tik tok?” “Which one?” Saki asked, picking up her cards and glancing at them.
“The dance one.” Sai explained.  
“Honestly, it’s crazy my four year old sister has a better social media presence than I do.” Saya rolled her eyes. “How many followers does she have?” “Just a bit less than Saki.” Sai picked up her cards too. “So I guess she’s third overall in follower count.” “And she’s four years old.” Saya rolled her eyes. “Well mom manages it. She’s been working in the entertainment industry since she was fourteen, she knows the ins and outs pretty well.” Sai took a sip of beer with one hand as she studied her cards. “Plus Nico has been all over youtube and tik tok since before she was born. We were posting videos before she was even born.” “Yeah…” Saya sighed in relief when they heard the lock to the bathroom door click. Sae stepped out, already in her pajamas and drying her hair with a towel, with a sheet mask on her face.
“Unnie! You're here!” Sae smiled as she saw Sai. “Yup, we were waiting on you princess.” Sai had started calling Sae princess when she was two. Even though Sae had tried to tell her sister she outgrew the nickname Sai was never going to let it go, just like she would never let go of calling her sisters the babies. “Oh sorry.” Sae apologized, stepping further into the living room. “Beer and cards?” “Yup.” Sai nodded. “You're up first, I dealt the cards.” Sai explained as Sae sat down. 
“Sure.” Sae nodded. 
“How was your date?” Sae blushed faintly, the masked hiding her face as she flipped over a black card.
“Fun. We went to a movie.” Sae said, watching as each of her sisters put cards forward. She couldn’t keep a straight face as she read their answers. She eventually picked the most stupid one, the point going to Saki. 
“Movie date? Lame.” Sai laughed at Sae as Saya slipped a card over.
“I know right? They are so vanilla.” Saya agreed. 
“Hey movie dates are good.” Sae pouted, looking over her cards to pick a good one. “Saki back me up.” “I mean, did you at least make out in the bathroom?” Saki asked. “No!”
“Your nineteen Sae, you went on the same dates when you were sixteen.” Sai rolled her eyes as Saya gave the point to Sae. “Live a little.” “Don’t encourage reckless behaviour Unnie. You're the one who’s protective over me.” Saki flipped over a black card.
“Yeah well movie dates are just a little lame. It’s not the nineteen thirties. At least make out in the bathroom or something. No sex, but making out is fine.” Sai nodded. “You tell me if he’s acting up though, I’ll kick his ass.” Saki gave the point to Sai. They had played the game many times together since the triplets had moved out, so they were comfortable carrying a conversation while they played. They had always had that comfortable relationship together. As sisters they had always been fairly close, and they were all comfortable around each other. 
“I know Unnie…” And Sae wouldn’t have it any other way.
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multimetaverse · 5 years
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We've been fed so much lately!! What do you think of Luke's interview with Lisa and Terri's with pastemagazine? And are you happy Josh told us what he meant by the endgame changing?
Indeed we have anon. I loved Luke’s interview with Shine on Media, Lisa has been a fan of the show from the start and her questions are always good ones. I’m very glad we got confirmation that TJ is gay and that’s canon so there should be no more TJ sexuality discourse. Also nice to know that Luke knew TJ was gay from before the muffin scene and that he and Josh were trying to play things as gay as possible the entire time. We really lucked out getting Josh and Luke to play the first two openly gay characters on Disney Channel; that they were so happy and supportive of these roles and always did their best to come through for the audience. And nice to know that they both wanted the Tyrus story line to go faster, as did we all. 
Another anon asked me why Terri wouldn’t have done a chemistry test with Josh and Luke when they were casting TJ which is a good question. Certainly the casting directors would have had that in mind since they cast someone Josh’s age and they obviously didn’t cast Luke for his basketball skills or skills at playing a villain. They did luck out that Josh and Luke ended up being such close friends and having such great on screen chemistry. I don’t think it’s a surprise that Luke’s acting got much better after 2x05 as TJ had an actual purpose and motivation. Terri really should have told him from the start but she would have had to if not by 2x08 then 2x11 for sure, as there’s no way to do the swingset scene if the actors and director and editors don’t all know that it’s a romantic scene. 
 It’s wild that Terri never took steps to make sure either Luke or his family weren’t homophobic or at least unwilling to play a gay character before bringing him on. That would have been a dark timeline, TJ either being written out early on and maybe some new character brought in to take his place or TJ still be used for the dyscalculia story line but then being dropped after S2 and likely no one replacing him as Cyrus’ love interest in S3 given how much more censored the gay story line was in S3.
I’m glad Josh came clean. That they were unsure that Tyrus would ever canon was my best guess and I’m working on another ask about it and laying out how the Tyrus story line in S3 has no real direction and with the exception of the gun plot is just fluffy or angsty filler. It’s sad to know that Tyrus came so close to never canoning and I can’t imagine how depressing it must have been for Josh and Luke to film the entire season not knowing if the Tyrus story line would ever have any pay off. I’m glad though that Terri was at least upfront with them that she wasn’t sure if she’d get canon Tyrus approved in the finale. A lot of Josh’s comments and actions come off much sadder now, like when he was so happy that Asher said Tyrus was real in their October press tour or when he commented on tumblr that the press tour was the first time Disney had let him speak openly about Tyrus. He must have been desperately seeking validation and any kind of hints he could that Disney would actually allow canon Tyrus. 
That being said, the cast should never have been allowed to talk about Tyrus so openly and so often when they had no guarantee it would ever happen. All those cast interviews they did back in October almost ended up being massive queerbait. I don’t blame the cast as they’re all teens but the adults in their lives should have stepped in and reined things in. 
Terri’s paste magazine interview comes off as extremely disingenuous especially in regards to the Tyrus kiss. I’m surprised so many people bought her spin but if she couldn’t even get permission for canon Tyrus until the very end of production which was well after the show had been cancelled then how on earth was she ever going to get a kiss or anything else approved? I could claim that I choose not to live in a mansion because it doesn’t fit my lifestyle but it’s not a real choice because I could never afford to buy a mansion just like Terri would never have been able to get a kiss approved or Cyrus saying aloud that he had a crush on TJ or Tyrus slow dancing or Cyrus founding a GSA club at school, or anything else she wants to pretend she could have done if only there had been one more season. And her ‘’queerbaiting and Disney censorship’’ instagram post back in November was wildly inappropriate when the gay story line was being obviously censored and when the entire Tyrus story line almost ended up being nothing more than queerbait. And for her to attempt an internalized homophobia story line in what she knew were the final eps of the series with a character she had no idea if she could ever confirm is gay is incredibly stupid. 
Still I do feel sorry for Terri as I truly don’t think she knew when she brought TJ in that it would take this long to get so little pay off. The Tyrus story line began in the 20th ep of the series and didn’t canon until the 57th aired ep, two-thirds of the entire series went by before their feelings were explicitly confirmed. The look back was a huge mistake and built up expectations too high even with it being edited but logically if Disney approved TJ looking back at Cyrus in 2x25 it would have been a positive sign that they were open to exploring Tyrus at the time as the unedited look back would have let the audience know TJ was gay which would have given Terri reason to hope she could get them together before 3x20. I think it’s interesting that Josh compared canon Tyrus in S3 to Cyrus coming out in what was originally 1x13 when he’s talked before about how Cyrus was always slated to come out to Andi in 2x13. It really does suggest that Disney more or less let Terri write what she wanted for Cyrus’ arc in S2 which also fits with the Tyrus story line flowing very well before cracking down hard in S3.
Personally, I think the most interesting thing we learned from Terri’s interview is that they learned they would be cancelled when they were going to write 3x10. Looking back, 3x10 does seem like a rough dividing line for a lot of stories. Jonah’s panic attacks are addressed in 3x11 then dropped, Jamber is resurrected in 3x12 along with the wish and Amber suddenly becomes much more prominent in the final half of the season, Walker and Wuffy are disposed of, Marty is brought back and Muffy quickly set up to be endgame. Now that we know that Terri didn’t want endgame Jandi and didn’t know if she would ever get endgame Tyrus we can see why it was so important for the show to bring back Marty so Buffy could get her originally planned endgame. Interestingly, Andi’s art isn’t brought up again until 3x16 which is also when the S1 party was brought back up again which suggests that they didn’t settle on the finale party until then. 
There’s one other big moment that happens right after 3x10 which is Cyrus using the word gay and coming out to Jonah in 3x11. I wrote this back in February after the Salt Lake Tribune spoiled that Cyrus would come out to Jonah:
‘’It’s nice that now all of Cyrus’ closest friends know about his sexuality but this does also read as a potential wrap up of Cyrus’ sexuality arc; Cyrus has come out to Buffy, Andi, and Jonah and is proud and confident in his identity and to label himself as gay, quite a far cry from the scared sad Cyrus we saw when he came out to Buffy. With Jonah now in on his secret there’s no more mystery left among his friend group and no need to talk about it again if that’s the path Disney chooses. I do think Terri got some stuff approved in the finale but this ep could very easily provide enough rep that Disney feels fine with having a quiet Korrasami style endgame instead. ‘’
It turns out that my sense of foreboding was correct as 3x11 was written as a potential series finale for the gay story line as they had no clue if Cyrus would ever be able to get together with TJ and indeed Cyrus never did discuss his sexuality ever again. 
I’m glad we have a lot of the missing pieces filled in now. I’m also glad I wasn’t a cast or crew member as it seems like S3 would have been an anxious nerve wracking experience, waiting to see if the story line that had been planned from the beginning of S2 would have any pay off. I’m eternally grateful to Terri and Josh and Luke for what they managed to do and the history they made. And thank god Gary Marsh, for whatever reason, decided at the last minute to let those final 40 seconds of the bench scene to make it to air.
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