#makes today better

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[githling]

i headcanon that young gith have floppy useless ears like baby german shepherds.

#some day i'll make something in color again #but today is not that day #getting better at drawing laezel also #lae'zel #bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 lae'zel #my art

[pokytoad]

photo of a REAL BILLBOARD that my best friend sent me on their daily commute, in case anyone needs money-laundering advice you know who to call

#better call saul #but make it massachusetts #still beyond words bc they described it to me last week at the bar and I was like 🤨 mhmm #so today they sent me proof that its real #breaking bad #this is EXACTLY what saul did to HHM in BCS THO!! but its REAL LIFE!!!!!!! #WHAT!!!!!!! #the LORE my brothers #ok to rb

[thefloatingstone]

Whenever I worry I am making them too OOC for the sake of a joke I remind myself that the Citadel DLC exists.

#Mass Effect #Commander Shepard #Garrus Vakarian #Liara T'Soni #Shakarian #Joker Moreau #Femshep #shepard x garrus #Art #Digital art #artists on tumblr #I need a better art tag #The gang bully Shepard into taking a gd break #one day I will make a serious comic #but today is not that day #rip Joker needing to listen to this garbage every day #Mass Effect comics

[obsob]

a very needed redraw of my lovers print! now with better blanket and chunkier cats

#mine #original #this will b print in a couple weeks ueuhe #i also like. zoomed in. idk if thats better or worse i might make a poll oh good idea #i drew th cats so weird last time.....why arm like that #anyway...am sleeby....i was gna draw today but i might not now!! finished 3 drawings this week ehe #i may draw at th weekend n colour...that could b tomorrows job #now i think im gna read! i hope u hve a nice day :)

[thefrogdalorian]

Din Djarin & Grogu + Chapter 17: The Apostate

#din djarin #grogu #the mandalorian #pedro pascal #swedit #din edits #my edits #my gifs #grogu sneaking under the bandolier.... putting his claw on it... din pushing his head down when he flies up... I LOVE THEM SO MUCH #my chest aches i was decaying today but making these gifs made me feel better as cheesy as it sounds

[pudgybun]

Getting some indoor winter sun! :0

More pics ♡

#im siiick! #but im getting better! #got lots of rest and stretching and yummy foods in today #now im stuffed full of pie and ice cream #editing lots of pics n planning lots of vids #now that my adhd is more medicated im excited to make more content ^__^ #as soon as im less coughy! #pudgybunny

[bixels]

quick update on art moving forward:

i'm gonna be switching back and forth between doing more original work/non-mlp content and gg20s art from now on. things may go slower, but that's part of me trying to take care of myself vs. the past couple of months which has been "i need to finish and post at least 2 gg20s artworks every week or i'll die." i still need to finish that utena juri illustration, and i have a neat character design exercise i wanna do on designing 90s high fantasy anime characters.

for full transparency, here are some things i have lined up for gg20s (on my end at least, tulli's still going strong): character designs for nyc characters (coco pommel, coloratura, suri polomare), the disney opening sequence video, more rarijack (obviously), including that one-shot fanfiction, and a daring do comic.

ty guys.

#personal #delete later #the past half year has been great but i need to adjust things to take better care of myself #because i've also been extremely tired all the time #today because i'm taking a break from twitter and don't have pressure to keep making art to post i decided not to draw #and it was nice

[ubercharge-the-sniper]

SFM is actually really good bc u can make gay people gay

#idk why those lines are there and frankly I don’t care enough to fix it SKJSJZK #again. one day I’ll actually edit these to make them better. but not today #I love the gay people #team fortress 2 #tf2 #tf2 medic #tf2 heavy #heavymedic #sfm poster #tf2 sfm #source filmmaker

[happyheidi]

This is the best I can do when tumblr is being hella weird. Pics I took on my too and from the store today.

#I can’t make the post nice -or change the position etc so yeah #I have more pics that’s better and I wanna change and do things but I can’t so ANYTHING #tumblr is weird today so the post isn’t as nice at it could be #cottagecore #norway #my pics #winter

[khytal]

bwoofwoofd…,,.woofwood.,,w

#nicholas d wolfwood #trigun #trigun maximum #khyt.art #had a rough day today so I did some scribblies to make me feel better u-u #may he bring you joy :)

[wuntrum]

sing along 🎤

#saints for girls #original character #my art #in a not great mental state today. but ry makes me feel better #this is acrylic paint (and a liiiittle colored pencil) on wood

[clownsuu]

It's been eating at me lately but I gotta know why MOB!Dusty has so many watches on their wrists??

Is it because they spend most of the time in the vaults that time is a blur down there?

It’s because he looks absolutely dripped tf out LMAOO (literally no reason except to flex- they don’t even know how to read watches/clocks nor does he know the concept of time since they are asleep majority of the time. Plus they like the weight of heavy gold and silver- makes him even more eepy)

Mob Dusty doodles smhhhhh

#I would have drawn more but ma. N I feel like absolute s h I d today #Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow smhh making sure to drink plenty of fluids #YOU TOO GAMERS MAKE SURE YA GET YER HYDRATION #welcome home #welcome home howdy #welcome home wally #Dusty bunny #wally darling #howdy pillar #welcome home mob au

[weatheredcopper]

mossy sheep :)

#jupiter's art tag #was stressed out today so i drew some sheep to make me feel better #and i rlly like how this one turned out

[dashingwishes]

I hope everyone heals soon 🌱

Here are your pretty flowers

🌹🌸🌻🌷🌼💐🪷🌺

For trying each day.

#I feel so awful today #I felt like I need to post this #I think I’m nervous about final week #I tried listening to seventeen nothing was making me feel better #healing our own damage #anxiety #sad #depressed #heartbroken #studyblr #flowers #positivity #positive #stay strong #loneliness #dua #islam #pashtun #afghans #quotes #text #healing #muslims #love yourself #1k #my words

[positivelyadhd]

I truly encourage you to add things that simply bring you joy to your list of things to do that day.

it doesn't have to be big, it can be as simple as making your favourite drink or food for lunch or spending some time on a hobby or watching a show you enjoy.

adding things to look forward to and giving yourself time to experience those things is just as important as doing every other thing on that list.

you're allowed to plan to do things for no other reason than it makes you happy.

#ive been trying to get a morning routine and just get a little better at life stuff but today its been so hard to get out of bed #and when i really examined it it was because i didnt *want to* #i thought about everything i had to do today and i didn't want to do any of it even the things id usually enjoy #so ive started smaller: listening to my favourite songs while i shower and making a nice breakfast #and it's helped a lot! #tips #recovery