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#makes my life a little better
Y’all ever get too tired to give up because the inevitable fallout of doing literally anything you shouldn’t is way too tiring to even consider or
#i like bluebrries#because if I could I would just like. drop out of school and die but. dropping out involves people asking about what the shit in doing and#my parents being concerned again and all that bullshit that I don’t have the cpacity to deal with so I just keep going because it is genuine#the least exhausting thing to do. so I’m just kinda like dying but it’s okay because this is the least tired I will be for the foreseeable#future and I guess I’ll just live with it. then again this is either some fucked up form of depression or just me becoming better and lazy#and therefore complacent with where I am. either way I have no drive to do basically anything other than the fact that shit will happen#if I don’t. like the only reason I’m still getting an education is because teachers still think I should be a good little smart child or#something. almost nothing is worth it but I just can’t care enough to do something about it. I could if I wanted to but the chances of#general shit happening regardless of the outcome is just. too much. I should get a therapist but the adults think I’m fine so I don’t need#then to assume otherwise. do I even regret that I’ve hurt them? they’re probably more traumatised by this than I am but I just. don’t care?#that’s probably a symptom for something but does it really matter. I still don’t know what to do with my life because I don’t care about#anything. maybe I should get some sort of brainless job like at a factory or something. honestly that sounds good. just do the same action#over and over again for ten hours and then go home or something. I guess pixie dust wouldn’t work on me anymore cause I’ve stopped believing#hah. how edgy. I’m so tired and I should absolutely not be posting this on my main but it’s fine. it’ll be fine. what’s even worse is that#I’m generally not fucked it and depressed and shit. I’m really not. I enjoy being with my friends and doing dumb things so it’s not even#depression or anything I’ve just stopped caring about shit. like if course I care about my friends and probably my family but sometimes I#wonder if I would cry if my mother died. I might. I don’t know. I want to be like Luna lovegood. to be able to say anything and everything#you want to because no one even cares what you say. that’s a sort of freedom I think. a bad one but still. I think I’m at that point where#I’m not okay but also I’m okay enough not to need anything to make me more okay so I just sort of suffer I guess. except I don’t because I’m#not hurting at all. I just can’t be fuck to do anything. there’s no motivation which is probably not good but otherwise I’m functioning#perfectly fine. maybe this is just an autistic thing that happens and no one talks about it because it’s not a big deal and I’m overthinking#I wish I cared enough
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fanciedfairy · 2 days ago
#gawd I feel so awful. it’s bs. I didn’t do anything wrong ykno? my poor bleeding empathetic heart. I hate it.#I’m not good enough for either of you to be there for me thru my major depressive episodes but I should let you back in my life bc#bc one of you had a cancerous tumor removed and the others dad died. call me callous but that is guilt tripping me n manipulation.#I hate the games u both play. u both have me feeling like shit when I should not. you broke my heart twice n said the reason was stupid#u said I needed to get over it bc it’s stupid and you’re never talking about it again ‘maybe when mags is 10 you’ll come back’#funny how neither of u listened to me. I said I wasn’t coming back. I said I’ve had enough. but y’all never listen#the lyrics ‘funny when you’re dead people start listening’ bc I am dead to you. the person u knew does not exist. u both killed her.#and still I rise. I refuse to let either of you do this to me again. I refuse to play your games. I refuse your love bc it is NOT love.#at least not the love I deserve. and I’m sure u didn’t even tell her the shittastic messages u sent me. yup u still can’t own up to it.#and she’s still going to take your side and say I’m being too dramatic too sensitive and I’m not. my feelings are valid.#you cannot talk to me that way and expect me to stick around/come back#I’m doing much better without you and to that I detest#im tried of ur games and manipulation and I see right thru it. u cannot gaslight me no matter how hard u try.#unbelievable how little family I have now compared to when I graduated high school#purging this nastiness from my brain so I can have a good shift and make money bc I deserve to be happy n make money#fuck you fuck you fuck you#2021#***#rambles in the tags#rambles in da tags
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turbocao · 4 days ago
i walk up to whoever came up with the curly girl method and kiss them on the mouth, then to the girlies at r/curlyhair who composed the fucking humongous google doc explaining every single aspect of said method in excruciating detail and ask for their hand in marriage. i love discovering beauty tips online that actually make my life easier. yes washing my hair is now a whole Process, but it's actually not that much longer than my previous hair washing routine, and i do it only twice a week rather than once every two days like i used to. i still use hair products i can find at my nearest supermarket for an average of 3€. this is the complete opposite of the skincare and makeup communities that encourge buying more and more products, each more expensive than the previous one, and adding more and more steps to a routine that you do on a daily basis and that ends up taking so much of your valuable time.
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wolfhaste · 4 days ago
just watched the bo burnham special. media that makes you want to at least set app timers because suddenly it hurts a lot more, that you're not who you want to be, than it hurt a few hours ago :/
#there's nothing major‚ that's wrong with me#i am just‚ soooo well-established i swear. i'm doing so good i only pee myself once a day because i can't handle the future as a concept#we all do that at 18‚ right. it's not special at all it just happens#so. that's nothing to solve. but then there's the shitty family problem which also can't be solved and that's why it was accepted#and blocked out!! simple#i used to cry for hours because i hated myself so much (you all know how it is) and now i'm better :)#but. i'm not GOOD like i'm not who i feel like i should or could be#i don't do enough i don't even consume the right media. I'm the fuckin. rat that pushes the pleasure button until they die#I'm not a hedonist‚ i mean of course i'm not. now i kinda wish i was 🤨 that'd be better#i want direction#i don't even know what's important to me. just surviving isn't cutting it anymore!!!!#not having a Very exciting movie life is obviously not. a problem#(i used to think it MIGHT be‚ that i'm yearning for teenagerhood that feels exactly like tongue tied by grouplove ghysfhxyhvy)#(it felt like everyone else my age was out there having fun and having sex and being in relationships and sometimes even falling in love)#(and then i never got there? didn't even get close? god i hate the kinds of things that bother me in life)#or have ever bothered me like i genuinely have barely had real problems and i KNOW that#but then again i'm here to improve constantly. and an unexamined life isn't worth living as socrates probably thought or smth#i do need to make it better‚ to exist here. do better (even if it's my shitty little problems 🙄)#and what I've arrived at‚ is that‚ i don't live up to my own rules :/ now i accept myself and all that but i'm not happy#i mean i AM because that's supposed to be being with what you have. and i'm content i'm not asking for anything#so maybe that's the problem! i'm not content‚ i just‚ yield#overall i need more.#of something‚ for sure - i just don't know what#i love myself i can forgive myself but i don't LIKE myself. i don't like myself that's it i think#imagine this post written with a pink glitter gel pen bc i just journaled :)#thx tumblr for giving me this opportunity‚ thank ME for speaking‚ etc#kata.txt#like it helps to get it out so‚ fuck you yes i am pretentious fuck you <3 i love you#setting those app timers now like a fucking clown. no more everything all of the time
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transdemon · 6 days ago
Idk about you guys but its canon in my life that when a tree falls it whispers "doofenshmirtz" when nobody's around and you have no evidence otherwise
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spoipage · 8 days ago
#shut up worm#lol i fucking hate working and all i work is short shifts on weekends#it leaves me so fucking drained and every little fuckup is a massive fucking gut punch that makes me wanna break down and quit#and now that im looking for a new job closer to home so i can pick up more hours i have to go through the hell that is job applications#and waiting for a reply and the subsequent hell of overthinking and my dad laughing at every thing i do wrong#like sorry!! i dont have 40 years of experience like you dude!! and everything stacking up makes me want to work less and less#and thinking that im gonna spend a majority of my life in this hellish loop makes me want to fuckin die#im. not cut out for work. im too socially awkward and anxious to do anything involving people and too weak and unwise to do anything#behind the scenes. i cant cooperate with others more than following orders and i cant communicate with them in the first place to get to a#point where i can. im a shitty teenager trying my best but my brain shuts everything down before i can actually build the skills i need for#basic customer service. nd thats all i can get at this point. and likely all that i'll be stuck with until i wind up dead somewhere bc of it#i dont want to spend the next 60 years of my life working and fucking up and wanting to die. let me be a trophy wife or some shit#the only way i can see myself not being depressed out of my fucking mind all summer is if i get lucky and the library accepts my application#because at least there its quiet and i wont need to deal with a lot of the bullshit most customer service jobs deal with. even if im just#shelving and finding books. itd be much better than anything else. but i had almost nothing i could put on the application and likely wont#get hired unless by some miracle or act of god or just fucking something. at least it doesnt seem that they get many applicants.#but that doesnt matter when you dont fit the minimum qualifications because youre a dumb teenager stuck working over the summer#i dont have any excuses for why i cant or shouldnt work so its not like i can enjoy a normal summer and stay a kid for one more year#my parents (esp my dad) wouldnt get it if i said im mortified of the idea of spending the rest of my life stuck like that and want one more#year of being young. theyd probably shrug it off and use the 'i was working when i was much younger than you' card#just. sigh. im tired of this shit. i want to spend my days purposefully doing nothing. not working and getting closer to a mental breakdown#hm. that went on much longer than i thought or meant. ignore all of that lol#the only reason im venting here is because using server vent channels makes me feel like shit. so here i am yelling into the void
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pepprs · 15 days ago
presidential alert the girls are beginning to confront the fact that when they m*ve o*t they may not be coming back.... 🤭
#one of my future roomies 🥰🥰🥰🥰 made a spreadsheet so we can keep track of who’s bringing what for the kitchen and bathroom and first of all#i am so ficking scared to tell my roommates that i... am the way i am and live the way i live and that is why i am bringing my own#instantpot for personal use and am apprehensive abt putting my name down next to like dish soap toilet cleaner etc 🥴 loike theeeee cringe.#of it all. but also like. damn i am going to be responsible for buying us... a dish rack! and a utensil organizer! and a toilet brush!#like almost as if.. i am moving into a new place and living in it and those things are not bei ng provided for me and i have to provide them#for US.... 🤔 and a little over. a yr from now when i gr*duate i may take some of these things and move into my own place w them? w new ppl?#or the same ppl. but either way... maybe not back here to my childhood home. probably not back here to my childhood home if i know what’s#good for me and the last couple of weeks have cast considerable doubt on my ability to know what’s good for myself but like. hm. hm... hm.#it’s the way i am so deeply ensconced in life here and the thought of separating myself from it.. LITCHERALLY makes my chest seize up even#tho i also desperately want it so fucking bad. lol. and it’s still a couple months away but also ITS JUST A COUPLE MONTHS AWAY! FUCK!#in many ways it’s a lot better than getting ready to st*dy abr*ad and leave everything and everyone i know and love behind bc like. i know t#this place it’s close to home. and i know the people who will be there and they are going to be better for me i thjnk. but like it’s also so#much worse and scarier bc it’s so much more permanent even tho it’s only 9 months but like i literaly.... um i think this is me moving out#of my childhood home for good actually 😳 i think this is what im realizing this is 😳 and it’s ummm a lot to thjnk abt. so i will not 😌#purrs#m*ving o*t tag
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peacockdeisy · 15 days ago
Anyway point of all that was oof oo ouch heart hurting juice but I am healing and moving on bc. I've wished I could for a long time but felt like...... I wasn't allowed to bc you know, its technically my community and complaining and leaving a community instead of trying to fix it seems shitty but...... Its just the online community, and also after a lot of thought and feeling I genuinely don't belong to it anymore. That's (a small) part of what hurt, the whole "if you dare mention medicine as a cause for asexuality or trauma you're aphobic" bc yeah no that was...... Unfortunately something I witnessed for too long..... Sitting here wondering why my existence was hurting people and it hurt me but I couldn't speak up bc as I said, my mere existence was apparently hurting my whole community? I was wrong and couldn't speak up bc then they'd come after me and I'd deserve it (and friends were on that side of things, I'd be betraying them) but then if THEY were wrong then......... That was almost worse.... But like yeah I mean hey, if I'm not wanted then I don't really need to stick around? More so if I don't feel wanted and I feel like I'm a detriment to a community I can leave...... And maybe they're right. Maybe I was aphobic in uh. Existing. somehow and just never spent the time I needed to to understand it. I don't know, its not my business anymore. I left a while ago when I started IDing as bisexual instead of demisexual and I've been much more happy in the midst of dealing with traumatic shit than I ever was in associating with that community so like..... Well, I mean. For the first few years it was home but. Its OK to leave an old home behind sometimes
As I said, I'm really genuinely Truly happy for those who kept their home there. I hope the asexual umbrella provides comfort for you for the rest of your life! I hope its home and you find a home for it inside your heart. I do. But...... I know I am by far not the only one who needs to leave it behind bc of personal experience w the online community. Ive seen a bunch of people who saw the side of it that I saw and............. I think it's important to vocalise how fucked up infighting and toxicity online is in circles that demand your unwavering and literally unquestioning loyalty and how they can disguise themselves as good, righteous things. Hence I talk. I think we need to let more questions into lgbt and nonwhite/mixed race and etc circles, and more room for subjectivity and friendly debate because................. I and plenty other people have seen where a lack of allowed questions and dogmatic beliefs get a should-be welcoming community. Anyway! It's 5am. Night everyone
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ziracona · 18 days ago
Friendly reminder you have to pay me $5 to read and respond to anon hate, or I'll just ignore the pissbaby missive and move on without ever reading it, add you to my blocklist, and forget you ever existed. <3 which is actually preferrable to the $5 things because that's way undercharging to deal with a toddler tantrum from an entitled adult on the internet tbh but I figure if it's that important I may as well leave the option open for now out of my intense charitable kindness.
#'The Crypters didn't-' sweaty I'll never read more of your message but yes they did <3 they're evil little shits and I'd kill any of them#with my own hands go get a life why are you so emotionally unstable and pathetic you can't handle a single person online having an opinion#that isn't yours on the internet step on glass <3 be a better person or be hit by a bus <#The fact everyone who stans these characters is so pathetic I get hate for making a /meme/ --not even hate a /meme/ about the arc of a#game I'm playing where the /villain/ of that arc says a line from a series of unfortunate events? Is further proof how right I am#and how stupid disgusting and pathetic you are. go fuck yourself love <3#this is genuinely funny I feel like the jester with the rabid dogs painting#Lostbelt 2#do you even realize what a clown you look like trying to defend a character as pure as the driven snow by sending anon hate to someone as#a way to try and convince them? It's so fucking funny like you are all so stupid#but if that's who you stan I'm really not surprised. Like attracts like I guess rofl go decompose in an open grave with your garbage faves#You’re literally so stupid like before I was like ‘yeah villains whose asses I wanted to kick’ but now I’m dedicated to absolutely despising#every one of them on a more personal level just to piss you all off for mildly inconvenienceing me#anyway I’m right I’m better and nicer and smarter than you because i rock I don’t harass strangers over my feewings not being able to stand#a difference of opinion and I can critically read content
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