#makes me feel like a bad person

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail'' #ah tumblr... #writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" ..... #no.... not really..... #idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing... #this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey. #idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me. #i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

[tubbytarchia]

I don't know what this is all I know is that LimL Joel makes me really emotional

#I know he has a tendency to go deranged on his red lives but idk something about him beginning to lose it after Jimmy died and killing Grian #joel smallishbeans #smallishbeans fanart #trafficblr #Again its his red life shenanigans but... If only Jimmy had known how affected someone was by his death. I'm choosing to believe this #and him then going out like a sad pathetic wet cat even with Grian's sacrifice... He really deserves a win one of these days lmao please #Also I cant stop thinking about how Jimmy wouldn't have left him. Grian was sensible to and most players probs would have #Joel really does become a lost cause so its fair and Grian did still care (and went to say goodbye as well as sacrifice his time for him) #But Jimmy would have stuck by even if Joel were in this state (and they'd both get themselves killed pathetically but) #And Joel having shown such genuine care for Jimmy and concern over his limited time... man anything w Jimmy makes me so emotional lol #I love them so #oh Ig about the art itself. I dont like it but hey thats how it tends to go when you try smth new. And no shame in trying #but if one person likes this then yayy I will still feel accomplished and happy #Im looking at this again and hey its not that bad actually yay I love to approve of my own art. self love hell yea #tubby art

[mroddmod]

little scrapped comic bc it felt a bit ooc to me in hindsight

#tbb #the bad batch #the bad batch season 2 #the bad batch season 3 #tbb tech #tbb omega #i was worried that this wouldn’t really come across as i intended #i’ve heard a lot of people complain about the characterization of tech in fanon #they make him a lot less capable than he is in canon just because he is the ‘nerd’ of the team #which i totally agree with #so i didn’t want it to seem like i was doing the same #i just think that tech would have a difficultly expressing some of his vulnerability around his brothers because they are so often stoic #(and frequently make fun of one another) #and omega might be the first person he feels comfortable in letting that side of him show #idk #just a sweet idea to me #anyway i decided i wasn’t going to finish this because of my fear of being misinterpreted but i did like how these sketches turned out #so here :) #a little treat #mods art #my art #mods draws #star wars #sw tbb #star wars the bad batch

[somnimagus]

My page for @kairizine. It was such a huge honor to be part of this wonderful book with everyone, I had so much fun!

[id in alt!]

#kingdom hearts #kh #kh kairi #kh xion #kh namine #i don't really feel proud of my own stuff usually but #i really think this is the drawing i'm most proud of from this past year!! it made me think 'oh maybe i can draw' haha #i'm still kinda bad with colors but something clicked with this one. and i feel like i got the sentimental feeling i wanted! #ooh but this project's about flower symbolism so ramble incoming: #protea symbolizes resilience transformation and diversity; hollyhock means 'please remember me.' #so my general theme was finding a sense of self. #these 3 have struggled with finding their own identity; they tend to get left behind both in-universe and in general plotwise #and naminé and xion both resemble kairi and were overshadowed by her memory. but i feel like all 3 have transformed into their own people #xion and naminé have their faces covered partially by hollyhock to show their wish to be remembered for who they are- #instead of the parts that they share with someone else #and the protea bouquets show how they each held on and resiliently grew into their own person despite it all #i put a little swervy path on the hill behind kairi to give that hopeful sense of growth and moving forward. it's a little hard to see #hopefully that makes sense! i really love symbolism but i think in visuals so i'm really bad with words #but gosh working with everyone on this project was so fun. it was like impossible not to get swept up by the team's hype for this zine #i need to hunt down everybody's work and rb it #ohh and everybody's flowers are so crisply drawn it's insane!! i think if i lined all these flowers and leaves i'd die haha #fan art #my art #project stuff

[skunkes]

#IM SO DRUNK @ THISTLE THISTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #a doodley #OK SLEEP NOW im giving myself a headache thinking abt him #thje glimpse we get of him in the opening is enough to make me want to jump out a window im not gonna make it. #alsofd this is making me think of when i posted my yearly redraws and someone in the tags put like #''how does it feel to have had every art style'' #afn like literally. i just cant go full lineless/painting bc ilove lines too much but i can do Dis #too many ways to draw #anywhay i just talked abt how im not a fanart person bt i want to draw him so bad. i love him #he's my favorite character in the series #even more so now that its Done and Cohesive. it hurts so bad i understand him i do

[flintbian]

There's a disabled angel in good omens 🥺

#listen im only in episode two and i know there's some drama going down but im focusing on this lol #i love that not only do they show the angel using a wheelchair and being ambulatory #but they also visibly show them miracling innaccessibility issues so that they Can still use the chair #instead of just getting rid of the disability #part of my is conflicted bc im like... there's disabilities in heaven? and that makes Me sad bc my disability is hell and painful as fuck #But getting rid of disability in fantasy is eugenist crap and showing that god made a disabled angel is a net good thing #while it personally makes me sad to think if there was a heaven i could still be in pain all the time #not all disabilites are bad and need to be cured we're a wide spectrum and we've been fighting for disabled rep esp in fantasy for ages #it's objectively good my personal feelings about my own disability aside #part of me thinks it's cliche to say 'you were made perfect' bc they're an angel But it's not we literally havent had this type of rep lol #anyways it made me happy to see #and im so glad it's a power chair user that's ambulatory it's important for abled ppl to see that #anyways y'all keep your drama and spoilers off my post im not far in and im only talking about this shoo #oh also!! love the fantasy hover chair they use in heaven specifically too i wish we had that it kicks ass #p

[uncanny-tranny]

Whenever people who are entrenched in diet culture talk about how terrible chemicals are, I just want to whip out this:

#diet culture #diet culture tw #described images #image description in alt #'it's got CHEMICALS in it' and so do you! and me too! IT'S ALL CHEMICALS ALL THE WAY DOWN #instead of running from this world we must learn to embrace it #i'm not particularly angry at people who say this because it makes me think that they're incredibly invested in diet culture... #...i just don't want the whole 'food = bad' or 'bodies = bad' to go unchallenged... #...part of the reason why diet culture seems just as prevalent now (if not moreso) is partially because it isn't really... #...challenged or questioned without provocation. it's just assumed to be correct because it makes you 'feel in control' #when chemicals are bad you can control what chemicals you consume. it's individualistic and places the blame onto you for 'being good' #it places responsibility onto the person in such a way that it becomes impossible to fulfill #it isn't that i'm upset that people want to treat their bodies in a way they think is responsible... #...moreso that the *way* they go about it ensures that they're stuck in a cycle of self-blame and even self-hatred #because the METHOD is ineffective. not the desire to treat your body well #also the state of ohio looks stupid and i do Not respect it #it looks like a ball that is simultaneously deflated and over-inflated #also their state flag looks silly to me #it looks like the person who was making it fell asleep making it #i'm just clowning on ohio at this point. have never been to ohio but. are you guys okay

[ahaura]

im sure its been said already but as the election draws near more and more liberals will come out of the woodwork to shame people with a conscience to give away their vote to the democrats for free. i'm already seeing posts saying "why aren't people more concerned about a trump presidency?" you want to know why? it's because people already know he's bad. everyone already knows what he is and what he's done and what he'll do. there's nothing to discuss. he's a racist despotic worm of a man. there's nothing else to say.

biden is currently president. the genocide is happening under his watch. he's the one funding isra*l and arming them; he's sidestepped congress more than once to give them weapons. by oct. 27, the biden administration already knew that "Israel was regularly bombing buildings without solid intelligence that they were legitimate military targets." the state department/biden have engaged in atrocity propaganda, cast doubt on the legitimacy of the death toll recorded by the gaza health ministry, and so on. the united states is currently in the process of trying to pin the "war in gaza" on netanyahu (see sen. schumer's speech) after months of backing blatant genocide as a means to act as if they're "doing something" about the genocide (Instead of, say, threatening to cut off all aid to israel with the condition that all hostilities in gaza, the west bank, and occupied jerusalem are halted immediately and permanently, allowing palestinians freedom to travel, allowing aid into gaza, etc etc etc.)

the long and short of it is that liberals view their own lives as being worth more than palestinians'. that's it. they'll vote for another 4 years of the guy ushering in genocide and supporting apartheid + settler colonialism because he isn't outright attacking them (despite various laws and rulings happening both at the supreme court level and at the local level all over the country that will endanger people). they'll settle for the illusion of safety and security and shame anyone with a conscience and accuse them of "supporting the republicans" when in an actual democracy you would be able to use your vote as leverage to extract concessions from those who want to be elected. that's how it's supposed to fucking work.

democrats are not owed people's vote. if biden loses, it will be biden's fault; it will be his campaign's fault; it will be the democrats' fault. trump is bad; the republicans are bad. we already know this. this is not an endorsement of either. but if democrats are too cowardly and feckless and servile to the motivations of the american empire and never do anything for their constituents then why the fuck should anyone vote for them. you want to get mad at someone, why don't you do something useful and stop worrying about team-sports with a purely selfish basis and start hounding the people in power who are supposed to serve you, the voter.

#i think i already said this and frankly idc #uspol #📁.zip #to me personally it's abhorrent and vile to tell palestinians 'biden is facilitating the murder of your people culture and history but you #still have to vote for him!!1' like how is that not unbelievably callous and ghoulish #frankly speaking. a lot of this 'you should be concerned about trump' is going to turn into #blaming palestinians and arabs and muslims and anyone remotely with a conscience for biden's loss #instead of doing something productive like pushing for people in power to do something they'll nitpick and belittle #and tell palestinians + arabs and muslims + everyone who understands that genocide is bad that they SHOULD #settle for a decrepit genocidal monstrous freak who is CURRENTLY facilitating genocide because #it makes THEM feel better and they aren't personally threatened (yet) by the guy currently in power #any and all 'you're not taking trump seriously' comments should be met with extreme skepticism #because i promise i PROMISE that the vast majority of people unhappy with biden are not going to turn around and vote for trump #and if they do? well guess what THAT'S BIDEN'S FAULT! nevermind the vote uncommitted campaign that was very successful and #will be replicated in the near future. but liberals only care about asthetics and superficial and not #about real material change which is why they'll dress up their callousness and racism in a 'you hate gay people if you dont vote for biden' #like this country is already going to shit we are rapidly descending into fascism and i dont see biden doing anything to even remotely #challenge it do you???? once agian. NOT an endorsement of the republican party but my GOD when the 'lesser evil' #is DOING the evil or normalizing the evil then you cannot settle for 'the lesser'! end of story.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Smell Check [Easy: Failure]

MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 1 (part 2 - part 3)

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #lan wangji #disco elysium #MDZS Disco Elysium AU #So sad I didn't manage to get this comic out on the 15th (pd-mdzs's 8 month anniversary and DE's 4th year anniversary) but I'm here *now* #I have a very extensive and detailed MDZS Disco Elysium AU that I am Not Normal About. #I've seen a few other people point out the potential in a crossover (true) but they make the mistake in having it be set in 51! #A true crossover would take place closer to The Antecentennial Revolution! #Disco Elysium did not go that hard on its cool lore for people to only make surface level crossovers!!! #One day I'll write the fic or post my notes. I don't know who would read it but it tickles *my* brain and that's enough. #No spoilers for DE (here or in comments (please)) but please consider....Magpie Wei Wuxian B*) On his way to be an innocent. #I do think there is a good chance a chunk of the MDZS readership would enjoy DE but...it's also not a game I easily recommend #It's more of an experience you have to marinate over. It's dark in ways that are off putting to some people. #It makes you feel like a very bad person all the time. It gets extremely personal if you allow yourself to be honest in your answers #and it's also the game that saved my life. My life was truly forever changed after playing disco elysium. #If I recommend it to people it's a badge of the trust I have in you to appreciate something dear to me B'*) #If you decide to play: PLEASE go in as blind as possible. You will regret spoiling yourself. #edit: this is based on real disco elysium dialogue. HDB has many canon kinks but this is not one of them

[faust1926]

people always act like there’s such a hard line between “psychotic person” and “normal person”, and I feel like that plays a lot into the dehumanization psychotic people face. cause once a nonpsychotic person internalizes this logic, suddenly we’re attractions and interesting and a fun research subject cause we’re just so fucking other that we become wholly unrelatable. for the nonpsychotic person, it’s unimaginable what psychosis must “really” feel like. so they treat us like a fictional species just trying to understand our existence. and they don’t worry about how their actions might affect us any more than they’d worry about insulting a vulcan by calling the vulcan thought process “just so interesting!”.

but in reality.... the difference between a psychotic person and a nonpsychotic person is not so stark. all human brains are prone to psychosis. all humans are capable of experiencing psychosis in one way or another. anyone could develop a full blown psychotic disorder at any time, no one is born immune to this. and while there’s some contexts in which it’s necessary to differentiate who does or doesn’t experience these symptoms of course, largely I think nonpsychotic people are doing themselves a disfavor - and being ableist in the process - by ignoring the hard truth of the matter: us psychotic people are exactly the same as them.

#does that make sense? #to me it feels the same as when middle class people dehumanize poor people. like. you're the same. you're exactly the same #the difference between a middle class person and a poor person is just one (1) bad day #same with psychosis...... one bad event is all it can take to push someone out of reality #doesn't even have to be major. a prescription drug withdrawal could do it. sleep deprivation could do it. bad luck could do it. #you can do everything ''right'' and still end up severely mentally disabled. #hopefully this makes sense #pseriouslypsychosis #psychosis

[omaano]

"I've grown these for you."

My first entry for the @rexobibingo - because what is a Gardener/Gardening about if not making leafy things grow out of love? (You can, of course, grow your leafy things out of spite too, I guess, that's always a very fair motivation if you ask me)

Keeping to good old habits from my previous bingo experience, please allow me to wholeheartedly and very passionately recommend @dharmaavocado's fic that has been on my mind throughout the whole time while I was working on this drawing We Who Love Our Hands in Dirt which was likely the first fic that has sold me on this ship, and Hanahaki as allergies will never stop being fascinating to me as a concept *w*

#rexobi #obirex #rexobi bingo #rex x obi wan #my art #captain rex #obi wan kenobi #star wars fanart #tcw fanart #artists on tumblr #digital art #fanart #I haven't drawn flowers like this in a bit I was starting to feel bad about it #please make sure to check out dharma's fic if you haven't yet once AO3 is back in business again #Thank you everyone in the discord server for helping me with the colour picking! #if only my rl allergies could be cured by the simple method of a bit of introspection and *shudders* admittance of feelings #fuck allergy season it is only entertaining when it's happening in space #look at me showing up with personal art that isn't the Hades AU XD

[stiffyck]

Why is it so hard to understand that some people are picky eaters. And why is it so hard to understand that no, picky eaters DONT want to be picky eaters.

#stiff talk #i hate being a picky eater #sorry that certain foods and certain textures make me wanna vomit but like i dont CHOOSE THAT REACTION????? #can people fucking stop taking it as a personal attack if i dont like something #like NO IM NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN IM NOT TRYING TO HURT YOUR FUCK8NG FEELINGS #ITS NOT THAT YOUR COOKING IS BAD ITS THAT I JUST DDONT LIKE THE FLAVOUR/TEXTURE #JESUS CHRIST

[just-null-cult]

are you oka- oh.

#kamo noritoshi #noritoshi kamo #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #yandere kamo noritoshi #yandere noritoshi kamo #yandere jujutsu kaisen #NO CAUSE HE WOULD COVER HIS MASSIVE DEATH GLARE IF HE KNEW YOU WOULD DEFEND THE OTHER PERSON #THEN YOUR ASS LOOKS AWAY AND BRO IS SHOOTING DAGGERS DUDE #i really like kamo #hes so babygirl #kamo has the hugest bitch face. i know it. i know he gives it out when the situation is fucking brutal. #its like the death glare someone else's momma gave you as a kid when you were bad #like bro #🧎‍♂️ damn im sorry #but in my mind he'd cover his face so you wouldnt be exposed to the death glare #smth smth only wanting you to see his perfect good boy self he crafted specifically for you smth smth #hed rather die than see you defend someone whos not him bc he doesnt want to compete for your attention. he feels it should belong to him #but it only makes the contrast of the peek that he gives others that much hotter. i mean scary #also tell me how you peeped the color change god please #i was so cool for that #the pink one.. your pov. hes double face palming.... at smth someone said/did. oh no!! #but for others its red. death glare. hes gonna make them regret upsetting him so much around you #to the point where he had to take his attention away from you for a second. not only that but your attention away from him too #wow kamo ur so. hot #stan kamo fr bro 🤟

[bitchthefuck1]

The thing about Francesca is that it isn't just saying "loving you is worth any punishment," it's saying "a punishment that keeps me with you is no punishment at all." It's not that you can brave a hurricane if it's the cost of loving someone, it's that standing in a hurricane for eternity with the person you love is still an eternity with the person you love, and how could you be happy with anything else?

#it makes me so!!! bc like as much as the first idea is lovely its also very familiar. like 'love is worth any cost' is something you see a #lot in art and that doesn't make it bad obviously but this is just such an interesting way of looking about it esp in context of this being #the most explicitly about the inferno. lovers spend an eternity tossed around in a storm clinging to each other for how they let their #passions control them and hes not just saying that he'd endure that for love hes saying that holding the person you love forever isn't in #any way a punishment and is actually exactly what lovers would want #i feel like im just repeating myself but its so good!!!! #hozier #francesca #unreal unearth

[marzipanandminutiae]

I miss people using non-medicalized terms for other people's passions

like. well and good to talk about "hyperfixations," "special interests [in the context of an autistic person's favorite subject]," or "infodumping" if you have ADD/ADHD or autism, or are talking about someone who is, but...that's not everyone who feels strongly about something, obsesses, or loves talking about their interests. those words mean specific things, associated with specific forms of neurodivergence

don't assume everyone is comfortable with that language

"rambling" is a word; so is "ranting." "obsession" is a word. "passion" is a word. learn them and use them

#mini-rant #it makes me really uncomfortable when people use that language to talk about my fandom activities #because those are fine and useful words! they just. don't apply to me. #also the weird assumption that everyone who like...has a hobby is autistic? or feels passionately about any activity? #at least in this case it's coming from a more positive perspective and usually from autistic people themselves but #I see people claiming that X character with a hobby they love is 100% Confirmed Autistic and if you disagree you're a bigot #you are free to headcanon that! but. #neurotypical people also have hobbies sometimes! #just saw someone saying that the character Daria was 'undiagnosed autistic' and therefore criticizing her behavior was Bad #my friend. she is a fake person.

[uncanny-tranny]

Your fears that you don't have a body that will transition "well" are, sure, understandable, but there isn't truly such thing as a body that's unworthy of transition. Perhaps your changing body won't suit everybody's taste, but would you rather live for yourself or for the whims of random people who don't care about your happiness as long as they're attracted to what they see?

Transition is for anybody who wants it. It's okay to be fearful. It's okay to be uncertain. But it isn't the end of the world. You are in control, and if you choose to transition to any capacity, it should be at your behest. You and your body are worthy of transition. I hope you are able to seize transition and do what you truly want for yourself.

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #have been seeing a small resurgence in some trans spaces that there is such thing as an 'untransitional' body #there are people out there who cannot transition for medical/financial/social reasons but that isn't what people often mean #kill the person in your head that says you need to adhere to cishet standards. it's okay to be trans and *look* it if you want #transition because it makes you feel happy or fulfilled. transition because it is something *you* want #while yes it's complex because appearing trans can be dangerous i ultimately want people to have the freedom to make decisions solely... #...on what *they* want y'know? #i have seen this idea that some people just aren't 'able' to transition because they won't 'appear cis' for years now and it's heartbreaking #like i used the whole 'i don't look cis' against myself because it's impossible for me *to be* cis... #...i will never be non-trans. i will never not be a transsexual and i used to hate that about myself... #...because i was taught that being trans is bad. i was taught that looking trans is a curse that nobody should EVER inflict upon themselves #and that the goal was to essentially distance yourself as far away from transness as you can #and it's okay for people to not want to 'look' visibly trans. it's neutral. what was harmful was the idea that TRANS was bad #there's a huge difference between 'i don't want to be visibly trans' and 'i think being trans and looking it is bad'