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#make myself believe i was good at it when im not... or maybe i am idk... i don't think so... and regardless it makes me so anxious
heartlocks · 6 days
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anytime The Suffering™️ stops i hate myself so much less. like no i wasn’t a useless stupid worthless idiot that couldn’t bring myself to finish a task, i was just being tortured with pain to a level normal people don’t experience everyday and extreme sensory issues and a million thoughts a second is all.
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dog-girl-zezora · 4 months
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//
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garpond · 5 days
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message to all kids without paypal who wish they could buy commissions one day you will become an adult with a job and paypal and you can in fact buy the commissions and it will be wonderful but watch out
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infraespinos · 9 months
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my therapist hearing me talk about suicide like i was talking about the weather
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itsukicoded · 2 years
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🥀.
#looking at these job listings……..i thought i was better adjusted to life since three years ago..#the thought of having to speak with other people is really kind of stressing me out a little bit……ahaha#i just am not good with other people with their unpredictable thoughts and emotions and tendencies to misunderstand me when im talking with#them…and im just so so tired….and stubborn haha im already rooted to the spot where i am i have to so careful about that sort of thing i#can’t help but cling to anything i touch w a twisted sense of responsibility im not atlas but it certainly feels that way sometimes#people places things survive even without my clumsy touch i both don’t believe that statement but also build all my insecurities on it. ig#the reason why i can’t move on is because i never solved the problem to begin with—there is such a big world outside of the scope of my own#walls i haven’t truly recognized that yet…bc the thought is still so terrifying; the unpredictable world while ive gripped white knuckled to#the small environment ive controlled and shaped to my own liking shooing away potential guests but no matter what if i don’t want to keep#stumbling through this time loop ive been pretending is life i have to pull my heels out of the sand and turn my head in a new direction……i#have to say hello and smile and laugh and scowl at people tangible people that have potential to ruin me or rescue me or even both at the#same time even tho the right rope is only a foot off the ground my balance is still poor :/ idk there really has to be some kind of balance#that i can reach….but i know my biggest hang up is that fact that i still have these people pleasing tendencies i have yet to sever#completely. there are parts that i want to showcase but don’t know how bc it’s so simple to just lean into whats familiar running away and#running myself into the ground…i can’t never collect myself out loud the way i can on paper#im too tired to try and make this make sense but i haven’t done any sort of growing at all! all ive done is listened to some music and#download an app game everything about me is exactly as it was three years ago except now i can fucking drive how disheartening i……..like i#have a dream so so out of my reach…..but i need human connection to reach such a point? i wish i could do everything on my own i don’t#really want friends at all im enough for myself#or maybe it’s just midnight and i can barely hold my eyes open bc of how much ive been working lately#personal
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thecherrygod · 5 months
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I've been having a specific thought all day and now it's 3 am so you know what that means <3
#my posts#.. look its not like its bad#its not good but its not bad either i think#it implies. stuff thats a big bad but. the thought itself is. okay?#its like.#i love people around me and i care about them and i want them to be okay#and im always fucking baffled when i realize they can actually feel the same about me?#they can love me like i love them and care for me as i care for them?? fucking wild#it's. hard to accept#ive said something similar before i think#i just struggle a lot accepting people can feel now for me then hate or tolerate me#they can like me and enjoy my company and maybe even love me? hard to believe but what do they gain by lying it has to be true and. damn#... it's driving weird lmao it gives me mixed feelings!#partially bc i like knowing i am liked bc of course but also. why would you do that to yourself lmao#this is when it is actually bad: i do feel like i am unlovable and if you fell in my trap you will notice soon enough#what trap?? being annoying???#.... even when people tell you youre not annoying but you can't take that one out of your head lmao but still it's#... it just doesn't make sense and I'm just waiting for them to see the world as everyone else does and notice it's not worth it i guess#that i will make whatever mistake i seem to always make that makes people don't like me or that this thing idk about will fuck it all up#... even if people do seem to like me or at least be okay with me being around or i manage to put myself out there#but i really can't shake off the feeling im annoying no matter what lmao#that one post about being the mutual that's always grieving was the last push to actually post this lmao bc it's been in my head all day#bc I'm always mourning what i fuck up enough that it doesn't even happen or what is happening but i will make it end by fucking it up lmao#... man. fuck it. i just wish i had a more functional brain and not one that was like this#.. i should go to sleep says like 3.30am
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linumlena · 9 months
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Sometimes the only thing keeping you going is your cat, huh
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dhampir-dyke · 9 months
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#i cannot fucking believe that my half-baked psilocybin therapy is working. this is so crazy.......#less than 4 months ago i was incredibly suicidal and my depression + trauma kept me from doing basic shit. i couldnt fucking enjoy anything.#and now i take literally no medicine except a gram of psilocybin every month or so. and i hesistate to say its 'fixed' me bc i still have#a lot of issues and i still have bad days#BUT. my life is so much better now..... i can actually feel good when i do things i like. im able to get important stuff done much easier#and im having bad days instead of bad WEEKS. when my cptsd gets triggered its still horrific and debilitating but the come down from it is#much faster and im able to function properly sooner#today i managed to talk to my leasing office about moving in a few days earlier and they said yes!!! ive manage to pack a BUNCH#of my stuff into my car for when i start moving in tomorrow. ive made an important phone call!!!#i still had to jump through the hoop of executive dysfunction BUT. normally i have to go through an obstacle course of it#every time i do it i feel like i get a little bit better. i try to make a 'plan of attack' every time i take them.#make my place feel as comfortable and safe as possible. i keep a journal nearby and relaxing music playing. and i try to sortof like#i guess a mix of introspection + reparenting in a way. i go with the flow but i try to focus on a way of thinking thats unhealthy#and try to tease + pick apart the reasons its unhealthy; while also trying to replace it with a healthier way of thinking#if that makes sense??? all while just. idk. feeling safe and at ease.#and ill feel kinda weird for at most a day afterwards bc lets be real. its psychedelic mushrooms. but afterwards i just feel much#lighter and generally just more at peace?#maybe its bc of how vulnerable i am while in an altered mental state; it may replicate the vulnerability i experienced as a child.#but rather than be abused for being vulnerable im being gentle and kind to myself??? idek man its weird.#anyways thats the end of my rambling im just thinking outloud
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tayyytayyy12 · 5 months
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I always got more lance but for fun imma throw in some other drivers
lance or Oscar (cuz they're our unbothered kings) with a reader who wrote Nonsense (Sabrina) or Dress (Taylor)
lewis + reader, who just the opposite of him yk and with maybe Slut!(taylor) for inspo
Max × Reader where they are just crazy cat people
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𝗡𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗲 | 𝗢𝘀𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗣𝗶𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗶 𝘅 𝗦𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿!𝗥𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿
𝙵𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚌𝚕𝚊𝚒𝚖 - 𝚂𝚊𝚋𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚊 𝙲𝚊𝚛𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛.
𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 - 𝚂𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚜𝚞𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚕𝚢𝚛𝚒𝚌𝚜.
𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎 - 𝙵𝚕𝚞𝚏𝚏.
Its.Y/n
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𝘓𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘖𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘗𝘪𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘪, 𝘓𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘕𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 1,109,099 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴
Its.Y/n - Not a lot happening right now 🤍
User1 - She’s so pretty.
User2 - HER AND OSCAR ARE SO CUTE 😭
User3 - I’ve decided that if they ever brake up I’m going to bury myself in a hole and never leave cause I’ll never find love.
User4 - Real.
OscarPiastri - 🤍
Its.Y/n - 🤍
Its.Y/n
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𝘓𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘖𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘗𝘪𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘪, 𝘓𝘪𝘭𝘺𝘮𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 2,382,928 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴
Its.Y/n - Okay I lied, there’s A LOT going on right now, Nonsense, my newest song that I wrote about Oscar out tomorrow night 🤭
User5 - FINALY NEW MUSIC.
OscarPiastri - Proud of you, love.
Its.Y/n - 🤍🤍
User6 - I’m so fucking single.
𝘛𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳
User7 - UM. Y/N’S NEW SONG?
User8 - ITS SO NOT WHAT I EXPECTED.
User9 - About Oscar it’s so hard to believe 😭
User10 - I know, like he’s the chillest guy in the world. He seems like such a teddy bear.
Its.Y/n - Glad you like it 😉
User11 - AHH.
Its.Y/n
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Its.Y/n - We’re glad you like the song 🤭
User12 - THE. FUCKING. PICTURES.
User13 - I can never look at Oscar the same again.
User14 - “WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR ARMS AROUND ME IT FEELS SO GOOD.” Y/N, OSCAR. WHAT.
User15 - My exact reaction.
User16 - “IM TALKING OPPOSITE OF SOFT.” WHAT THE FUCK OSCAR YOU’VE CORRUPTED HER.
User17 - “IM TALKING WILD WILD THOUGHTS.” AHHHHH.
User18 - Only someone as iconic as Y/n could just drop a sing about how good her boyfriend is in bed and just chill and watch the chaos unfold after.
OscarPiastri
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OscarPiastri - I am NOT a teddy bear.
User19 - THE PICTURES OML.
LandoNorris - “You said you like my eyes and you like to make ‘em roll” care to explain Oscar?
OscarPiastri - No.
ArthurLeclerc - “I don’t want no one else, baby I’m in too deep.” ?? Oscar??
LoganSargent - “I’m talkin’ hope nobody knocks.” Woah man.
Its.Y/n - 🙃
Its.Y/n - Nonsense boy 🤍🤍
OscarPiastri - 🤍🤍
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vixeneptune · 4 months
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Askfirmations ♡
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♡ Why am I so amazing? I'm naturally the best and never compete or compare myself to anyone
♡ Why am I so powerful? My aura naturally radiates immense power , is that why I keep getting everything I want? Or why nobody ever messes with me?
♡ Why do I feel so confident all the time like its my permanent state of being? I believe in myself so much that my confidence is literally unshakable.
♡ how do I keep getting everything I want? It's like the universe conspires in my favor and the world has my back 24/7
♡ omg why am I so freaking gorgeous?! Seriously I'm always stunned when I see my reflection like wow how am I so pretty i look unreal?
♡ Why am I such a money magnet? Attracting money is literally the easiest thing, why is it so effortless for me? Like I never worry about money bc it comes to me abundantly from multiple sources.
♡ Why am I so damn lucky? Why do I keep winning everytime at EVERYTHING? the word failure doesn't exist in my dictionary.
♡ ugh why is everyone so obsessed with me? Like I'm easily the most popular person everywhere I go. How come everyone knows my name and treats me like their fav person ? Idk why but I'm always the one who gets most attention and people literally chase me and desperately wanna be with me and I don't even try ?!? Why do I have so many secret admirers and so many people confessing their feelings for me ? Is it bc im so charming and magnetic that people can't help but fall in love with me instantly?
♡ Why am I always invited to events and hangouts like my presence is a must? People love being around me and talking to me so much. Why does everyone say I have an amazing vibe and they love my energy ? Honestly one of my fav compliments but its also like just being seen with me and being around me is a privilege
♡ Why are my eyes so big and feline? Why does everyone compliment my eyes? Why are they so mesmerizing and gorgeous? 😍
♡ Why is my skin so clear and hydrated? Like its so smooth and lifted and perfect I'm so amazed!
♡ Why are my lips so plump and perfect? I love how kissable and full they look!
♡ Why does my hair grow soo fast?? Its crazy like my hair is so long now. Why is it so thick and soft and perfect? Everyone compliments my hair
♡ Why are my eyebrows always on fleek? Like they look naturally perfect
♡ Why is my face so pretty like its sculpted by the angels? Why is my face so symmetrical and harmonious? I look naturally stunning like I don't need makeup or filters.
♡ Why does my face look EXACTLY like my desired face now? It's uncanny how much I resemble Megan fox and Adriana Lima
♡ why is it so easy for me to lose weight? I always lose weight so fast bc I have such a fast metabolism. Why does my body look so snatched? I don't even need to work out and I have the body of a model! Why does my butt look so good? Why are my arms and legs fit and toned and why is stomach so flat?
♡ Why is my face so slim? I have the most sculpted defined gorgeous face 😍 why does everyone stare at me like they're mesmerised by my beauty?
♡ Why is my nose so tiny and small and perfect? I literally have the cutest nose and I love it!
♡ Why does everyone say I remind them of tomie with how captivating , alluring and mysteriously beautiful I am ? Why do people say I remind them of a Siren ? So magnetic with high sex appeal
♡ Why does everyone love spoiling me so much and giving me princess/royalty treatment? Is it bc i have pretty privilege? Why do men open doors for me and gift me expensive things and they keep pursuing me and trying to impress me? Why am I always desired and wanted by everyone ? My energy inspires men to spoil and please me. There's something about me that naturally pulls people in like a magnet, maybe it's my energy or my personality or my beauty.
♡ why is it so easy for me to make friends and attract lovers and people like a magnet? I don't even try but somehow I always end up having so many great genuine connections with others and I have so many loyal friends.
♡ ugh why am I so freaking sexy? Like I have that dangerous sex appeal that fuels everyone around me with desire and lust for me (I'm always safe tho) but srsly I'm so hot it should be illegal 🥵
♡ Why do I keep looking younger and prettier as I age ? am I a vampire or something cuz i never age😂 people always think I'm 18 years old
♡ Why is my life so amazing? Why do good things keep happening to me? Why is it that everyday something wonderful happens? Why is life so easy and fun for me? It's like a game rigged in my favor. Why does my life keep getting better and better? Every aspect in my life is going so well! I feel so fulfilled and so grateful. I mean I'm literally living my dream life right now!
♡ why am i so blessed in every way? I'm rich, pretty, in the best relationship with the love of my life, I have amazing friends and family, I'm so successful and recognised for it, I'm such a catch and an honor to be associated with, I have so many admirers and I'm a great influencer, I'm so sexy and drop dead gorgeous, i have a fun addictive personality, im healthy and fit with the sexiest toned body, I'm constantly surrounded by love and support, im lucky, a powerful manifestor, I'm literally perfect, such a flawless beauty. I have it all
♡ Why do I have such amazing privileges? All I be doing is exist and I get everything I want , everything is handed to me. Why do I get things for free? I don't even have to try, why is it so easy for me to get my way? I think I'm just so charismatic and charming and pretty it's impossible to deny me
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sofs16 · 5 months
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our home
part 1: paddock day , part 2: our leclerc win, part 3: our love in photos — next
not proofread, as usual:)
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yn.jpg
budapest, hungary
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liked by charles_leclerc, alex_albon, carlossainz55, and 392,383 others
yn.jpg beautiful race and driver who man never sits still 😆
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laufeyyn as much as i love you and paddock yn, do you not have a job? 😭
⤷ yn.jpg NOO DW ID QUESTION THIS TOO! i actually still do have a job but it’s mostly online unless there’s a photoshoot somewhere or meeting:) i usually do my work at the paddock (war flashbacks to when i was called a horrible wag for being on my laptop😊) but yes i still work! ⤷ ynml i love how straightforward she is esp w the hate she got at silverstone LOL HATERS
[liked by yn.jpg]
chacha166 i love how its been a year but yn is still so active with us 🥹
⤷ yn.jpg you guys are so kind and silly its kinda hard to stop 🤷🏻‍♀️
charles_leclerc ❤️❤️
july 23, 2024
charles_leclerc
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liked by yn, and 7,383,383 others
charles_leclerc P2 at Spa! Huge congratulations to Carlos on his win. Started at P14 and maximized the car. Time to recharge ❤️
Photo 📷: @yn @yn.jpg😘
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yn proudest of you ❤️‍🩹
⤷ charles_leclerc ❤️
yncharles THE PGOTO CREDITS LALALAAJAKAHAHAHAHA
carlossainz55 Why does yn not take photos of me
⤷ yn i do but i havent posted them yet, carlitos :( congrats on p1! yahoooo
july 30, 2024
yn
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liked by charles_leclerc, and 6,373,383 others
yn something happened 💟
view all 981,574 comments
charles_leclerc 🏠
⤷ yn hehehe
yncharlesparents DID THEY MOVE IN TOGETHER WHAT
[liked by yn] ⤷ yncharlesparents SHITTING MY PANTS
⤷ yn wear a diaper, it helps
yourbsf i better have a room yn yln
⤷ yn the living room is spacious enough ❤️
⤷landonorris what about me
⤷ yn um we have 2 couches? ⤷ landonorris good enough
august 3, 2024
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liked by yn, and 10,483,494 others
charles_leclerc Home ❤️ And can you believe Yn has 2 closets and says it’s not enough? 😂
📷 Photo: @yn @yn.jpg 😍
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user11 she’s so ungrateful
user13 I bet she makes him buy all her clothes..
⤷ yn @user11 @user13 Actually, I have a job that allows me to pay for my wants, not that I need to explain myself! And I am very grateful for everything so don’t make assumptions, it was a joke. Hope you have a good life and actually find a job instead of being rude to people you don’t know! ❤️
[liked by charles_leclerc]
⤷ yneditss I fear, she ate. ⤷ charles283 I bet the PR is not happy abt this but we are 😊
⤷ yn i spoke my truth 🤷🏻‍♀️
⤷ynhumor I CACKLED I LOVE HER
⤷ ferrariforza You know she’s serious when she makes the capitalization and punctuations 😭
yncharles16 i love how yn is slowly taking over charles’ insta hehe he’s so whipped
august 6, 2024
f1wagsoft._
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liked by yn, and 7,585 others
f1wagsoft._ Yn and Charles ❤️❤️
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yn 🥹❤️‍🩹
⤷ ynstan yn is always active for f1wagsoft._ AHAHA
⤷ yn loveeee em
⤷ f1wagsoft._ ❤️ august 7, 204
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liked by charles_leclerc, and 2,483,595 others
yn.jpg peaceful life 💌
view all 1,385,584 comments
ynzangel SHE HAS CHILDREN?
littlewomennzz EXCUSE ME?
lovelaufhlife WHAT
charles_leclerc Beautiful❤️
⤷ landonorris WHAT IS HAPPENING
yn.jpg IM NOT A MOTHER
⤷ ynschild you’re our mother. ⤷ yn.jpg true dat, child
⤷ ynsfan did she just say “true dat” HAHAHAHA IM GIGGLING I LOVE
⤷ yn.jpg WHAT AB IT ??????? august 8, 2024
yn
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liked by charles_leclerc, and 4,484,484 others
yn im sincerely sorry for the fright. i am not pregnant or with child or have child 😭
that was charles’ nephew and niece…
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landonorris Soon?
⤷ yn YOURE LITWRALLY MY CHILD HUSH
⤷ landonorris maybe.. idk
⤷ yn IM OLDER THAN YOU? ⤷ landonorris BY A FEW YEARS
charles_leclerc Cuteeee🤓
[liked by yn]
yourfavynstan All jokes aside, she looks like she’s make a lovely mother:( especially one with those quiet lives away from all the chaos of fame
⤷ charles.updated the day they settle down and charles content disappears 😭😭😭😭
⤷ yn this is so kind omg. and you will never run out of charles content as long as i live and we live together! pinky swear
⤷f1gr1dd I LOVE HER IT HURTS
august 9, 2024
f1wagsoft._
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liked by 14,383 others
f1wagsoft._ That… is not Yn Yln with Charles Leclerc.
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ynchar YN? MOM? WHAT
charrrl guys, theres more pics leaked.. it’s him… and not yn.
charlando WHAT
ynupdated @yn pls what. be active. youre always active here
user16 i don’t like charles with anyone other than charlotte and i thought i would he happy about this but im not. charles and yn truly did look like they loved each other
⤷ yncha WE DONT USE “LOVED”. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER
⤷ f111grid delulu is the solulu. we’re the same 😞
ynleclerc1 Not with zandvoort gp 2 days away.
riciando idt yn will respond abt this. sure she seems very open but you can see she’s only open about certain parts of her life. we don’t even know how old she is or where she lived before charles or anything 😭
august 23, 2024
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#SOF : is this a bad time to say im a writer who likes to leave cliffhangers ?
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hanniluvi · 8 months
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ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 — TEN THINGS I HATE ; JAY FIC
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“ I’ll do better, if you stay with me like this. ”
.𖥔 ݁ ˖ where jay keeps a journal where he documents all the reasons he hates you, his rival. despite claiming he will forever hate you, keeping this journal only makes him realize his feelings for you.
PAIRING rival!jay x gn!reader
GENRE angst, fluff — WARNINGS jealousy ; overthinking !
WORD COUNT 1.7K+ (1730)
.𖥔 ݁ ˖ soph strikes again!! angst cb, did we cheer?? anyways i was in the feels okay 😢 listening to music while writing really unlocks something in ur brain im telling you…idk what really went thru my mind when making this but enjoy 😊🫶
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#1 – HOW YOU’RE GOOD AT EVERYTHING.
Is it normal to have a journal dedicated to someone you hate? Whatever, I just need to get this off my chest. Whenever you’re involved, it’s like I could have nothing I want. It’s stupid, but I don’t care, it just pisses me off when you easily follow instructions, perfect things on your first try, and get all the awards I wish to have. I admit, jealousy consumes me. It's frustrating how effortlessly you seem to achieve anything you want without even trying. Seeing your achievements plastered all over the school only intensifies my anger, making me wish I could tear your posters into shreds. I've never despised second place more than now. Why can't I find contentment with my own scores or position, just like you? How can I remove you from my life and find peace within myself?
#2 – HOW CHEERFUL YOU ARE.
How is it possible for someone to remain so happy throughout the entire day? I can't help but wonder if you possess some magical influence over my friends, as they seem to shower you with compliments non-stop. It's weird to hear nothing but praise for you while I find myself complaining about various things. It's almost as if nobody comprehends why I harbor such animosity towards you, and this frustrates me immensely. Every time I express my emotions, they tell me to laugh and smile more, as if I don't already do it enough. But then, when I contemplate your cheerful and positive demeanor, it becomes clear why they encourage it. You're like the epitome of a model student everyone aspires to be, while I remain the perpetually angry and stubborn person. No wonder everyone wants to spend time with you, and perhaps that's one thing I can agree with others on.
#3 – YOU LIKE THINGS THAT I LIKE.
It's almost like a curse that we share the same interests. It's the reason I keep encountering you everywhere. Whatever I do, you seem to be there, expressing your fondness for the same things with your friends. It's frustrating, and I can't help but roll my eyes at the thought of encountering you even more. Even listening to music has become a challenge, as I know you like the same artists. I purposely skip their songs because they only remind me of you, and I hate being consumed by thoughts of you. I yearn to stop learning more about you so that I can enjoy the things I like in peace, without these constant reminders of you.
#4 – YOU MAKE ME OVERTHINK.
Maybe because of how perfect you seem to be in other’s eyes, I wonder how I look in other people’s eyes too. Am I that awful to hang out with? Am I always seen as this angry person who hates everyone? I’m not that, I know that–my friends do as well. But others? I’m not so sure about that. What confuses me even more is why you persist in wanting to spend time with me despite any perceived flaws or stubbornness on my part. You could easily choose to be with other people who might seem better to converse with. Yet, you continue to stick around, refusing to give up on our “friendship”. And because of this, I can see how others might form a negative opinion about me. My constant push to keep you away could be misunderstood, leading people to believe I'm simply a horrible person.
#5 – YOU LIKE ME.
I'm not sure if you have romantic feelings for me, but I can tell that you consider me a friend. It's interesting because I hadn't thought of you in that way before, but it doesn't seem to bother you. Today, you stood up for me, and it felt really heartening. Normally, I might have felt angry or vulnerable when someone defends me, but this time it was different. I don’t know, it just did feel really nice. Your quick response in telling those people to stop was captivating, even though I didn't express my gratitude at the moment. Lately, I've been struggling with the loud voices in my head, and sometimes I wonder if you could help quiet them too. But now, I'm not sure what I'm trying to convey. You confuse me a lot.
#6 – YOU GIVE THE WRONG PEOPLE SECOND CHANCES.
The other day, I saw you in tears because someone had broken your heart. I must admit, I was taken aback because I had never seen you sad or upset before. It was quite a contrast to the cheerful version of yourself that I'm familiar with. What happened to you that everyone sees all the time? I hope you had someone to tell you your problems too, as it’s not easy for someone who is your rival to be comforting you. I didn’t, so I hope you went home that night filled with less worries because you have someone to talk with.
What surprised me even more was that the very next day, you gave the person who hurt you a second chance. I can't help but wonder why you keep allowing people to hurt you when it's likely they'll repeat the same behavior, ultimately affecting your radiant smile. Stop going back to the people that hurt you once, it’s only going to be a cycle. I wish I could share these thoughts with you, but I hesitate because I doubt you'd take them to heart coming from someone like me. However, I can't help caring despite my own imperfections. It's puzzling to me as well, as you make me feel oddly connected to your feelings.
#7 – SEEING YOUR TEARS.
I never imagined how much I could despise seeing someone cry until the moment I witnessed your tears. Ever since that day, I always thought about it, so how could I let it slip out of my mind this time? I’m sorry for yelling at you today. I’m sorry for saying I hate you. I didn’t mean it, I was just extremely frustrated today, and not at you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know how saying this won’t do anything, but I truly mean it. I wish I could rewind time once I saw water fill up in your eyes, but what’s done is done. You made me realize something crucial—that I've always seen you as a rival, whereas you only wanted to be friends with me. I allowed my competitive nature to ruin our chances of a meaningful connection. I fear now that you might avoid me, and I understand if you do. I worry that I might continue to hurt you, just like the people you often encounter, who don't treat you with the kindness you deserve. You deserve better than that, and I'm sorry for contributing to your pain.
#8 – GIVING ME ANOTHER CHANCE.
I never imagined we'd get another chance after what happened. I tried avoiding you, genuinely attempting to keep my distance. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't resist reaching out to talk to you again. It's almost as if we both sensed the need to address the situation, leading us to have that important conversation. I still don’t know why you gave me another chance. Did I not say hurtful things to you? How easily are you able to put that behind? Your ability to forgive and move past it leaves me in awe.
It's making me reflect on my own flaws, especially how I tend to hold grudges and struggle to let go of negative feelings. I can't quite comprehend how you do it, but you make me think about you more than ever before. Every word I speak now feels like it needs to be carefully considered, thanks to your presence in my thoughts. Your gesture of offering another chance touched me deeply and brought a smile to my face. I can't help but wonder what you've done to influence me in this way. I think you really did something to me.
#9 – FEELINGS, FEELINGS, FEELINGS.
We've connected much faster than I anticipated, even surprising my friends. I'm left wondering what you've done to me. You've become an all-encompassing thought – your smile, your laughter, your sense of humor – everything about you fills my mind. At times, I ponder whether I ever cross your thoughts too. Could this be love? My friends have mentioned it, and I can't find a way to refute them. I'm fond of you, immensely so. Isn't that a crazy twist?
It's a strange journey we're on. I started this journal to document the reasons I disliked you, but look at where it's led us. Is it too soon to be feeling this way? The idea of revealing my feelings is terrifying, yet I'm unsure if I'll ever have another opportunity. Please bear with me, allow me to find the right moment. Perhaps soon, hopefully, you'll be in my arms. I realize how absurd all this sounds – what am I even saying?
#10 – HOW EASY YOU WON ME OVER.
You won. You won my heart effortlessly, but I didn't win yours in return. I'm burdened with regret for how I've treated you. My ignorance and neglect weigh heavily on me now. It's painfully clear that he's all you've ever been able to think about. Why did I delude myself into thinking I could make a difference? If only I had treated you with the kindness you deserved from the start. Could that have made you love me instead? These thoughts haunt me.
I've grown aware of my own attachment, and I'm sorry for allowing it to consume me. I apologize for the disruption I've caused in your recent weeks. I can't bring myself to be genuinely happy for you and him, though he does seem like a better man than I could ever be. It's evident that I need to move on for your sake, to make things easier for you. Yet, there's a part of me that wishes I could still claim you as mine. That longing will always remain unchanged.
I doubt you'll ever stumble upon this journal entry, not that I would ever permit anyone to. But regardless, I want you to know that I do love you. It's a truth that's etched deeply within me, even though it pains me to admit it.
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💭 — fun fact this was supposed to have a happy ending until i pulled out spotify n listened to lyn lapid…yeah.
ENHA PERM TAGLIST (🎥) — @flwoie @ixomiyu @yenavrse @shinsou-rii @bearseulgs @ilovewonyo @yenqa @dimplewonie @bubblytaetae @wtfhyuck @ineedaherosavemeenow @starcubes @starikizs @wonioml @chirokookie @xiaoderrrr @neozon3nha @en-chantedtomeetyou @millksea @enhaz1 @eundiarys @woon2u @ja4hyvn @judeduartewannabe @j-wyoung @thia-aep @vampcharxter @softpia @officiallyjaehyuns @itsactuallylina @hsheart @sweetjaemss @ahnneyong @hanienie @jwnghyuns @kpoplover718 @jiawji @rikizm @haknom @yeokii @wvnkoi @whoschr @teddywonss @shinunoga-iie-wa @flwrshee @skzenhalove @misokei @s00buwu @ox1-lovesick @miercerise @litttlestars @enhapocketz
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ganondoodle · 4 months
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so guess what they released more interviews and i think given what a writing shitshow totk was and what they have been saying in all these interviews is actually painting a really bad picture; i dont have the time, nor the energy to go over every detail
but they were commenting on people wanting the more linear format back and aonuma himself basically said that he thinks people who feel like that do so only bc of nostalgia and "Why do you want to go back to a type of game where you're more limited or more restricted in the types of things or ways you can play?"
what .. the fuck, more freedom DOESNT automatically mean better??? like ... restriction can be a GOOD thing just as tooo much freedom can be BAD?? like in totk??? are you fukcing shitting me- what the hell are games even for then, has he had an awakening to the fact that he actually just loves sandbox games without realizing it???? im not playing fucking zelda for a sandbox, especially not when its advertised as a somethign else
its pretty clear that they want to keep this format going with everything they say there, ... maybe it really is over huh
also i hate how they kept talking around answering anything about story/lore; they go asked how ganondorf even connects to ganon since theres nothign about it in game, and all they got out was welllll we dont wanna say anything bc its up to the player; about every question you got the answer of "make somethign up yourself" which is just ... its really clear they dont actually care but dont want to say everything is meaningless actually, so they try to be vague about it and with doing that really just confirm they didnt think about it and they dont care- so no lore actually matters, nothing thats been said or established has any meaning bc they will get rid of it the second it crosses paths with their new -more freedom equals better- philosophy, they say its bc they want you to be "free" to think up anything but apparently dont realize that when there are no rules, no consistent lore or anything that it ROBS it, it stops having meaning, its fun to connect dots only when there are rules you need to work with and dots to connect in the first place, when you have an established world with its restrictions it drives you to think more creatively about things- but when there are no rules?? its fucking boring!! thats what it is!!
when you discard all rules i wont care to get invested into anything bc i know it will not be considered again, be done away with without any reason and wont have influence on coming or previous games ... bc there are no rules, anything is possible and everything can be changed any second, so nothing matters
(they also talked about the many viral videos of those very few dedicated people that make godzilla mechs in totk and how happy they are about that- i get that to some extent, but the way they kept talkign about it really just felt like it confirmed my suspicion that that whole mechanic was mainly implemented to let people do that since that gets shared around en masse making it seem like that is why people enjoy it while neither the game nor the narrative are build around it in any way ..)
it just makes all the time i spend thinking, feeling and theorizing about zelda like a true waste of time, bc nothing matters and there are no rules-
i am someone who greatly enjoys working with and around established lore/rules, its fun to me to recontextulize things by being smart or creative with it all without breaking anything or as little as possible of the established things!
if i wanted to do just do anything i want I COULD HAVE ALREADY DONE THAT bc theres nothing actually stopping anyone to just make up what they want! i DONT need canon to lose all rules for that??!!
maybe ill have to make myself believe the franchise ended with botw on a good note ... ono
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tiktaalic · 2 months
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Girls will be like yeah so basically Taylor swift has eradicated all attempts at creativity in favor of seamlessly merging her IDENTITY to PRODUCT and I will give accolades where accolades are due. She has been very successful at this probably the most successful person on earth at this and all it cost her is her soul. And it DID cost a soul. You could make a graph between amount of streams and quality of work and see so clearly the inverse relationship materialize before your eyes. She was not born a hack but embraced the life of a hack when she realized she would be more popular with platitudes and dialing back on oversharing and being less messy. If you replace personhood with producthood you lose your humanity but your album sales go fuuuucking crazy. I can make overtures at understanding this by reminding myself she was crucified for being a person for years and years and she has been very vocal about it doing a heavy number on her psyche. Maybe when that happens to you as a teenager the trade off seems less revolting. Getting rid of something you’re mocked for having anyway and in return you are richer and more famous than anyone has any right to be. But then I scratch my head. And go but surely you see that this is a deal with the devil. Surely with the contract laid out in front of you. You gnaw your lip. You hesitate. You follow the letter of the law but skirt the spirit of it for brief shining moments. And when she’s so publicly had misogynistic vitriol levied at her. So often for so long. IS it misogynistic for your criticisms to boil down to “she’s not likable enough for me”? At what dollar amount does a millionaire going on billionaire become a public object rather than a person? Does the fact that she’s slowly revoked access to herself change this? Is it more or less human to orchestrate your life so that paparazzi only sees you on planned outings where you look impeccable and have a message to send and you are Taylor Swift The Brand after you’ve been scarred by years of being Taylor swift the young woman in the tail end of the aughts and the 2010s ripped to shreds scrutinized for every choice and smile and dress and man? Is there a passable essay in the title Taylor Swift Doesn’t Owe You Authenticity. Maybe! but doesn’t she as an artist work at a job where she’s supposed to produce. Art? It sounds like I’m asking for ballads but I’m really not I’m asking for a song that is good. Im asking for a cruel summer which is irreplicable but surely the minds behind it can produce something more than snow on the fucking beach? Or am I overestimating the continued talent of a woman who is the platonic ideal of a target shopper? Is it misogynistic to believe the platonic ideal of a target shopper can’t create with a soul? How to talk about the fall off of Taylor swift in a woman honoring way?
five minutes later. You can’t spell awesome without ME!
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itsukicoded · 2 years
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🤸🏽‍♂️💨.
#im starting to believe some traumas you just can’t recover from#and i don’t mean that in an edgy way i mean like. i have this deep seeded need (bars) to look out for others and to be relied on this#physical aversion to putting myself first that i don’t think i had when i was a child i grew up to be that kind of person#and at this point it’s just better for me to adjust my life in a way that doesn’t make me give these traits up—just that i need to create#boundaries that i myself cannot cross. but i even thought abt any of that bc my dear old cap moon is really fucking with me i had the day o#off today and have the day off tomorrow and always in my days off i have these crises when im not working am i human#it’s so embarrassing like 🙈 i like working 🙈 but i fucking hate my job if i worked somewhere i cared abt i would have to work 8 days a week#for my mental healthhhh it’s incredible and by incredible i mean terrible bc i don’t have a degree and don’t have anything i WANT to study#and beyond all that!! im having a hard time taking care of myself For myself 🧍🏽‍♀️i can’t do anything properly unless someone needs my help#that’s what happens when ur raised on presentabilityyyy but in all seriousness i never have motivation for solely myself only for others#maybe i should start being more delusional 😵‍💫 i dunno it just sucks that i have a hard time doing things or wanting to live the life im liv#it all feels so………..idk nothing feels right i just wish i had something i was working towards#my only inspiration for life is pancake since no one ever checks on me no one would be able to take care of her if anything happened to me#i know it’s not good to look towards the future to get through the present but if i at least had a checkpoint to reach…a water station in#the endless marathon i just want to catch my breath and turn around and see definite progress 😭 nothing abt where i am now if different than#last year i think thts really bothering me but i don’t really know where to go from here it’s making me anxious and shutdown stare at the#ceiling type beat rn it’s so numbing and exhausting at the same timeeee can’t i have a miracle???? i promise im hard working if i have a#task that needs to be done!!! like……….if someone asks me for something…….ah i need help i need help this life is so bleak ive been sitting#in the center of the ocean for weeks now and im not sure i trust myself enough to believe im sailing towards civilization#and i hate not being able to tell ppl what im working towards i don’t want to be working a minimum wage job for three years in a row 🧎🏽#i dunno i dunno#maybe i just need to suck the fuck up and get involved on social mediaaaa this sucks i hate social media saur much lmao#personal
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tangerinesilk · 8 months
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- I CAN SEE YOU : TANGERINE X FEM!READER
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tangerine is going on a solo mission… well, at least he thinks he is. with lemon missing by his side, he’s left with one other option that is supposed to make his job easier. unfortunately for him, you’re not the easiest to work with. stubborn, strong-minded and feisty. you’re both so alike yet nothing has made your bloods boil more than each other. 
rating ✷ r (18+ minors dni!)
warnings ✷ (very quick) smut: fem receiving, kisses all over bodies, a needy but quick hj, p in v, dirty talk, praising, implied rough (consensual) sex / others: cursing, drinking alcohol, mention and use of guns and violence, male hurting female (?) but not between main characters, mentions of blood and wounds.
tropes ✷ enemies to lovers!!!, person a is all talk no bite + person b knows that but still pushes them, playful banter, hiding together in small spaces, fake dating (?), if one is hurt– the other goes a bit crazy, says ‘i dont care’ then cares 5 seconds later. 
word count ✷ 6k!
songs that fit the vibe ✷ i can see you - taylor swift | moth to a flame - swedish house mafia + the weeknd | king of my heart - taylor swift | attention - charlie puth | nonsense - sabrina carpenter
a/n ✷ so i made a poll a months ago and this trope + pairing won! i’ve honestly been wanting to write a dave lizewski one as well and got a request idea. so.. we will see lmao. i will probably post then maybe edit later if there's still things i don't like... also, if you couldn't tell but im kind of a swiftie so i will love to write fics inspired by whole ass albums y'all.
but i hope this is what u guys expected and wanted. i actually do love writing for tangerine. just gives into my delulu thoughts. also, if you guys would like a plain pwp fic and not all of this fluff and dialogue stuffed inside, pls let me know bc i am definitely into that idea. 🫡
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“You had to go and get yourself shot… then you wonder why you have to wear a bulletproof vest. Fuckin’ hell.” 
Tangerine kept his voice at a hushed tone, basically talking under his breath as he strutted through the grand hall of the hotel. Golden light glossed over his figure, passing by couples who were at standing tables with their cocktails.
“Well, Thomas said-”
“Thomas didn’t say shit. Don’t get me fuckin’ started now.”
Lemon already knew Tan was in a bad mood. Another Thomas the Tank Engine factoid wasn’t a playful move right now.
“Hey, mate. Don’t get all fussy wit’ me. You’re just mad about your new partner for the night.” Lemon rolled his eyes.
“Can’t believe I can’t be held accountable of myself. I can handle it on my own but you had to call the fuckin’ princess-” 
“She’s good. Your denial is obnoxious, bruv. It’s only a night, you get in and get out.” Lemon replied, holding his wounded side as he laid in his bed back in England, “What happened between you two that you’ve got beef like this?”
“No time to explain nor do I have the patience.” He arrived at the small bar to the side of the room, “If I leave her behind, can I take half the pay that’s supposed to be hers?” Tangerine asked.
“She’s supposed to be wearing a red dress. You’ll see her there… and please don’t cause a scene.” His brother begged.
“No promises.” He replied before hanging up. 
Tangerine blows a sigh past his lips, quickly asking for his drink of choice before scanning the mass of people around him. His blue eyes could only search so fast for the man that the hit was called on, causing him an instant frustration when he’s already worried about you ruining things regardless of how long you’re together.
“He’s next to the woman in the tacky gold ballgown… about two feet away from the ice sculpture.” Your soft voice suddenly spoke next to him, “But, I didn’t need to tell you that, right?”
The smirk on your face burned at his nerves and you noticed the clench in his jaw.
“Well, if it isn’t the fuckin’ Queen herself.” He said in a stern tone, “What? Germany was too borin’ for ya? Had to figure out a way to ruin someone’s operation?”
“Lemon is the one who called me in, and it isn’t about you. It’s about the pay out… you’re bound to screw something up with your ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ tactic.” You trailed, rolling your eyes as you turned your head away.
“And I’m certainly not afraid to use that tonight and not your fucked up, painfully long mind games like some fuckin’ psycho thilling killer.” He spat as his drink was place in front of him.
You narrowed your eyes at him, “Fuck you.”
“Darling, I’m flattered, but we have more important things to do right now.” He lowly groaned, purposefully looking at his target so his back was facing toward you.
Behind his tall stature, you glimpsed past his shoulder and saw your target chatting up a woman. 
He won’t be smiling for long, you thought.
“Alright, I’ll wait for him to slip away, follow him and you go through the kitchen.” Tangerine said under his breath, keeping quiet for only you to hear him.
“To go where?” You ask, walking around him to stand face to face.
“Erm…” He sighed, “Whatever car or vehicle you got here in, drive yourself back to whatever place you’re staying and I’ll figure out how to wire you the money.” He shrugged, downing the rest of his drink.
He took a step but you placed your hand on the center of his chest, “Not so fast. I’m not going down if you make a mess of this.”
“I don’t make messes. Well, actually, I get away with them once I’ve done ‘em so, I don’t need to worry about a liability.” Tangerine smirked, a bit of a tilt to his head. Cheeky bastard.
“The only liability here is the one who is ready to pull the trigger in his back.” You said before huffing, “I’m not sorry for what happened in Paris, but that was my choice. So, I’m going with you because it’s our operation. You know… I don’t need a fucking helping hand either.” You practically growled.
The two of you held a long gaze, creating a tense eye contact before he sighed, “Didn’t even say anythin’ about Paris, but if you’d like to assume I’m still mad ‘bout that, be my guest, princess.”
His shoulder bumped yours, making you clench your jaw before quickly following behind his tall stature. While he seemed persistent, you grabbed his hand which made him stop in his tracks in the middle of the dance floor.
He turned, “Am I your babysitter?”
“No, you’re my date. Hold my hand, you idiot.” Your eyes pierced through his.
As he looked down at your hand, he slowly grasped it, your fingers intertwining with one another’s before he proceeded through the glamorous crowd.
Couples swayed and waltzed between each step you took, assuming you were unnoticed by your target. Tangerine kept his eyes on him, easy to with the frosty-white full head of hair he had slicked back. The woman in the tacky dress ran her hand down his shoulder, pressing her lips to his ear to whisper something which made you and Tangerine veer to the side at a standing table.
“Are they movin’?” He asked, facing his back toward them.
Your eyes smoothly shift, taking a quick glance at the assumed couple. You ran your hand down Tangerine’s arm, accidentally feeling how toned his bicep was through the thick fabric of his suit jacket. You almost glanced down, wanting to give another squeeze before clearing your throat. A heat rose on your cheeks as you turned your head to face away from him.
“Y-Yeah, near the bathroom. There’s also a backdoor that leads up to the second floor… lots of private rooms for reasons that are obvious.” You said in a hushed tone, moving away from him to the other side of the table.
“Alright, since you wanna tag along, I’ll follow them and you cover the door.” Tangerine suggested once again.
You furrowed your eyebrows, “You do understand what teamwork is, yes?”
He chuckled, “Yes, I go up there, shoot a few rounds, then we make a getaway.”
“Will you just trust me?”
“Your trust means nothing… I need to know you’re not going to fuck anything up. Just like in Paris.”
You smirked, “So you do have that against me.”
“Well, it’s not like it was your best. Leave me with a shot in the arm, Lemon on the ground and you, little miss greed, get away with your cash. If we all did this job for money, we wouldn’t be riskin’ our lives just runnin’ around killin’ or resucin’ people just for someone’s dime. You obviously do though.”
You narrowed your eyes, “You don’t know me…”
“Nor do you know me so…” He huffed, “Let’s just do what we have to do.”
There was tension between you, as if there was more fo a protective instinct than hate toward one another. You couldn't figure out Tangerine’s deal. Why was he so hostile toward you? Yes, what happened in Paris was fucked up, but he wasn’t the type to hold a grudge. He didn’t take shit from anyone, so why were you getting under his skin?
“Shit!” He grunted under his breath, seeing your target disappear into the hall.
The two of you hurry, yet still try to act casual to not raise eyebrows, and exit into the same hallway. As you push open the door, you hear the two talking in the stairwell before another door closes.
“You got your gun on you?” He asked as his hand slid into the back of his pants.
“Of course.” You scoffed, tearing up the slit in your dress. He saw the small pistol strapped to your thigh, making his mouth a bit dry.
He nodded, “Good…” 
Taking a quick breath, Tangerine opened the door. You slipped through and he followed behind, your backs facing one another as you scanned the hallway. It wasn’t narrow but if anyone slipped out of one of the rooms, they were right in your sights.
“I’ll take this one, you take that one.” He whispered, pointing his gun to the opposite door of his.
With your heart in your throat, you slowly crack the door open and don’t see anyone before a body flies from behind and slammed the door open from Tangerine’s side. The woman lied dead on the floor, blood all over his dress, and just as you turned around, a punch slid across your cheek. 
Instinctively, you ducked to dodge the second jab and swoop under to get on the other side of the man as Tangerine wrapped his arms around the guy to pull him to the ground.
Tan loudly grunted as he tried to gain control, basically attempting to straddle him in order to push his arm against his neck. Even with all his strength, the man gripped his hands around Tangerine’s arms to throw him off along with trying to push his knee between his crotch.
“Watch the door!” Tan directed to you. 
You nodded, catching your breath with your back against the wall by the door. The adrenaline ran through your veins and heard your heartbeat in your ears as one tear of blood dripped down your cheek. The crack of bones made you turn your head, seeing the man’s body go limp as Tan began to stand over him.
He quickly walked over the man, as if he was in the way, and comes to your side.
“He nicked you bad. Lemme see.” Tan said, your eyes meeting his as he held your cheek. The touch of his hand seemed to be some comfort, his thumb wiping the blood away and trying to see how bad the wound was.
“Bastard.” He muttered, “C’mon, let’s go before someone comes up.”
Without a word in, he grabbed your hand and dragged you behind his lead. You two headed for the exit door down the other side of the hall as you heard footsteps rumble from the other stairs you came up.
“Wait a minute.” Tan said, fiddling with his belt buckle.
Your eyes widen, “What on earth are you doing?”
He smirked, “Relax, darling. You flatter yourself too much.”
You rolled your eyes as the sound of his belt slid against the fabric of his belt loops before curling the leather strap around the door to keep it locked. The two of you fled down the stairs and suddenly found yourselves in the kitchen area. A few eyes followed as you both ran through, very obvious that you were running from something, but still aimed to get to some kind of exit.
With sudden luck, Tangerine saw his car across the street, instantly knowing which way he was supposed to go. Without skipping a beat, he grabbed your hand once more and the two of you ran across the street. Hopping into the passenger seat and Tan taking off was like a blur, just happening in seconds.
“Y/N?” Tan saying your name woke you from your trance.
“Huh?” You asked, shaking your head.
He quickly turned his head, “You alright?” He said with concern, one hand on the steering wheel and his foot easing off the gas.
“Y-Yeah, I’m okay. I don’t know what happened back there.” You trailed, a bit embarrassed. You were never one to let your guard down, well– enough to get hit right smack in the face.
“Are you sure?”
You turned your attention to him, “I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?” You asked rhetorically.
“‘Cause of that big cut on your cheek.”
You narrowed your eyes, “Alright, what’s your big plan now, Einstein? Were just going to sleep in your car and hope we don’t wake up decapitated?”
He half-chuckled, “You truly think so little of me, don’t you?”
“Is that rhetorical?”
Tan rolled his blue eyes, “We’re goin’ somewhere safe.”
– – –
You wanted to believe you were strolling into some kind of trap. The lobby had a classic aesthetic to it, pale gold wallpaper and a wall of keys behind the person at the small front desk. You two placed your go-bags on the red carpeted ground as Tangerine checked into a room.
“Hello Mr. Tangerine.”
Oh, great. He’s some guest of honor here.
“‘Ello, Colin. My usual room.”
“Is that what you say in front of all the girls?” You tilted your head, standing behind him.
He rolled his eyes, “‘Cuse her.”
The man chuckled, crinkles by his eyes, “How many nights are you staying this time?”
This time. You could scoff out loud but you didn’t want to hear the tude from him.
“Just overnight. Nothin’ too serious.”
“Well, enjoy your stay, as always.” The man nodded before Tangerine thanked him.
The two of you head toward the old elevator, watching him quickly press the up button before you stand by his side. You half chuckled, “I’ve never seen you act so kindly toward anyone, tell me, does he see you bring girls through here all the time or-”
“Has anyone ever told you to shut your pie hole?”
“Hmm, not verbally. But, those eyes of your say enough for me… you’re too predictable, sometimes, Tan.”
He gave you a lingering look as the door opened, passing him into the elevator. The two of you make your way to the fifth floor and the hall is eerily quite for a hotel full of private contractors and assassins. You had your hands behind your back then patiently waited for Tangerine to jiggle the key into the lock, opening a door to a huge room with a surprisingly wide view.
“You’d think the curtains were closed.” You muttered as he walked over, closing them anyways.
Suddenly, he stripped from his suit jacket and you couldn’t help but see how tight his button up was around his biceps and chest.
“Did you get that a size too small?” You ask as you chunk your heels into the corner.
“Well, I certainly can’t kill fuckin’ bloaks wearing baggy clothes now.”
“But, you can in a three piece suit?” You cocked your eyebrow.
He licked his lips, “As if your dress is a flexible material.” Tangerine said as he pulled his rings off, placing them on the night stand.
“I can say the same for your pants.”
Tangerine wanted to look down but didn’t give into your comment. You place your bag down on the bed, grabbing your silk pajamas nearly folded on top and changed in the bathroom.
“God, just go to bed. We’ve got a long day tomorrow.” You somewhat groaned.
You sit on the top of the bed, unfolding the duvet before shoving it off to get underneath them.
Tangerine paused, “What the fuck do you you’re doin’?”
You furrowed your eyebrow, “This thing called going to sleep. Try it sometime, you’d be less grouchy.”
He rolled his eyes, “I know that, smartass, I mean what’re you doin’ in the bed that I’m goin’ to be sleepin’ in too?”
You rolled over, putting your weight on your elbows, “I know you’re dramatic but this takes the cake for top performances.”
He faked a laugh, “If you don’t get your ass out of that bed in two seconds, I’ll throw you in the tub with a pillow.”
“Oh, wouldn’t you like to. Fine, do it.” You said before laying flat into the mattress, staring straight at the ceiling.
He didn’t care for your equal amount of sarcasm, but he just gave you a cocked eyebrow.
“Okay, fine. I’d rather sleep on the floor anyways.” He said, stretching his arms up and behind his head. Your eyes quickly admired his muscles before turning back.
“Be my guest, princess.” You scoffed, slipping on your pajama shorts, “I’ll enjoy my big comfy bed.”
You pulled the heavy duvet over your waist, curling up with the dense pillow beneath your head. 
Tangerine stood there, biting the inside of his cheek as he watched you roll on your side. He tilted his head back before unbuttoning his shirt and tossing it on the desk chair. Although your eyes were closed, his side of the bed sunk in and you tried to hold back your smile at his faded stubbornness.
With your backs facing one another, you two just listened to the silence of the city. It gave you a moment to think of Paris– the last time you were with one another or much rather supposed to be against each other. You were a double agent, not exactly proud of it but you let greed take over your motivated justice. 
Having to scam Lemon and Tangerine wasn’t your finest hour either, you thought about it for months and finally coming face to face with Tangerine (out of the two, he wasn’t the one you would want to bump into again), all the guilt came rushing back like the snap of an elastic band.
– – –
The morning sun runs through the thin silk of the curtains, shining over your bodies in the bed. You wake up to the sound of light snoring, happy that you could sleep through it, and Tangerine in a deep slumber with his arm over the bed. He suddenly looked like innocence, so soft and tender, simply laying there like it was any other day.
You sit up, putting your hair out of your face then head to the bathroom. When you turn the light on, you’re almost surprised to see your reflection. Forgetting about the scar against your cheek, you look more rough around the edges. You sigh as you run your fingers over it, remembering the way Tangerine did last night.
After washing up, you go back out and Tangerine is now standing up and stretching his arms above his head. Your eyes quickly shift up his body, admiring the tattoos in their random places and how the band of his briefs rest on his hips. You sealed your lips from smiling at how sharp his v-line was accompanied by the happy trail disappearing into his pants.
“Sleep good with that stick in your ass?” You retort, passing him.
He rolled his eyes, “...You’re annoying, ya know that?”
“Oh, you’ve made that clear.” You mocked him as you closed the curtains more, “That’s why I love to do it.”
Tangerine flicked on the lamp, giving the room a warm glow.
“Alright, I say we lay low today. Better to be out of sight and–”
You cut him off, “Stuck in this room together?... are you trying to kill me t–”
He then put his hand over your mouth, looking deep into your eyes, “Yes, stuck in this room where we can keep an eye on each other and you can’t screw me over again.”
Your heart stopped for a split second, as if he couldn’t have been more of the controlling one. He took his hand away and you gulped, “Yep. Fine. Fair.”
Tangerine pressed his tongue against the inside of his cheek before you go to your bag in the chair that’s pushed in the corner of the room. You slightly bend over to look inside your duffle and his icy eyes can’t help but look up the back of your thighs and straight at your ass and lower back. How he could easily put his hands on your hips and make you hold onto something.
He shook his head, feeling like he was coming down with something to even imagine that thought.
You pulled out an old novel and sat yourself back on the bed, hoping that the hours would pass as you sank further into the broken-in mattress.
Tangerine sat down in the chair nudged into the corner, adjacent from your view, and he pulled out his gun that was conveniently tucked into the back of his pants.
“Are you actually holding me hostage?” You furrowed your brows, but didn’t take your eyes from your sentence.
“Whatever fantasy you’d like you believe.” He trailed, opening his gun and emptying his rounds into his palm.
– – –
Suddenly, you leaped out of a deep sleep. Your book laid open on your stomach while an extra pillow was between your legs. Your eyes fluttered open, thinking the past few days has been a dream, until you noticed Tangerine wasn’t sitting in the chair. You quickly looked around before hearing the bathroom door open and he stepped out, shirtless and in new dark slacks that rested on his hips.
Your mouth became dry. How could you dislike him so much yet here you are, ready to jump his bones as he crossed the room.
“What are you getting dressed for?” You asked, rubbing your eyes.
He half-chuckled at your groggy voice, “I want a drink.”
“Oh, like you’re not just going to abandon me here like I did you?... Where you go, I go.” You warned him.
He rolled his eyes, “Don’t be so dramatic.”
“A bit hypocritical coming from you.”
Tangerine just ignored your smart comment and opened the door, letting you through first before he followed. His eyes, once again, trace your lower back and trailed down your legs. His cheeks flushed pink as he quickly looked away, clearing his throat as he caught up to you so you two were walking side by side.
You pushed the faded down button as you pushed a big breath past your lips. Tangerine put his back against the wall and crossed his arms, his muscles basically restraining in his light button up. As you turned around, you rolled your eyes– but not at him, just at yourself. How could you have any little feeling for someone who also annoyed you to your core?
He took your silence as a bit of a tease. To be fair, you two didn’t really know one another. You met once before and then you simply betrayed him. Quickly, you were dead to him, but now you’re forced to be together and it raised an important question to himself too. Why was he helping someone who obviously can’t be trusted? 
Tangerine furrowed his eyebrows at that thought, knowing he would have thrown you to the wolves last night after you closed your eyes. He played with his watch a bit before the elevator dinged and caught both of your attentions.
After entering, the low-sounding shifting mechanics of the elevator were the only sounds between you two. You heard Tangerine sniffle, seeing him stretch his neck out of the corner of your eye, but you kept a straight view to the doors. While Tangerine thought you were continuing to give him the silent treatment, you were lost in your own thoughts of the past.
You flashbacked to your last night in Paris together, and remembered how the guilt creeped up on you knowing that, in a few hours, you’d have to betray both Lemon and Tangerine. Before knowing them, you didn’t care, but now that you’ve realized how hard you were falling for Tan, it felt like a double edged sword. If you didn’t do it, maybe you could stay with him– have a life together. But, if you went through with your selfish heist, you’d lose the guy who made you comfortable with being vulnerable after a long time. 
Obviously, you regretted your decision.
“Is this what you want?” You simply asked.
Tangerine quickly turned his head, “What?”
You rolled your eyes before facing his direction, “This.” You gestured between the two of you, “The weird animosity and constantly arguing and nit-picking?”
He never thought you’d be so bold to point it out, “I mean, we don’t like each other. Simple, isn’t it?”
“I guess…” You trailed, facing back toward the doors.
Tangerine licked his lips, wondering if he should utter the words on his tongue.
“...But, that doesn’t mean we can’t start over.”
You looked over your shoulder once more before turning around to him, “You mean that?”
He arched his eyebrow, “Should I regret it now?”
Just as the elevator dinged, the doors slowly opened and the hotel lobby appeared empty. You smirked to yourself, “Why don’t we catch up over that drink, huh?” You sort of teased– not sure if it had purpose.
– – –
Your drink tasted smooth, easily trailing down your throat as you leaned your head back to finish off the rest of the liquor in your glass. Once you tilted your head back straight, you were met with Tangerine’s signature eyebrow arch.
“Don’t worry, I’m paying for my own drinks.” You sighed, placing your glass back down on the wooden table top.
“As long as I don’t got to carry you back up to the room.” He sighed, sounding more defeated than witty, then his blue eyes glanced down then back into your eyes.
You hummed, running your finger along the rim of the empty glass. 
“‘right so, what’ve you been doin’ since we last…” He cleared his throat, “saw one other?”
You crossed your leg over the other, “Not much. Actually, it’s the first time I’ve been out for a while. After leaving you guys, I laid low in Tuscany.”
“For how long?”
You shrugged, “Five months? I was on the countryside and I wanted to be alone…” then, you smirked, “I heard that you were in Kyoto.” 
Tangerine could chuckle about it now, “For a bit. Had a job to do for some psychotic, fucked up family. The dad called in us, they were all turin’ on each other. Whole fuckin’ thing…”
“As in…” You trailed, “Against one another? The whole family?”
He just nodded before taking a sip of his drink.
You raised your eyebrows, “Wow… and you got out with no bruises or cuts? Bullet holes?”
Tangerine licked his lips before he presented the side of his neck, lighter skin over his tanner tone to show the scar. You carefully reached out, brushing your fingers against it which made a tingle go up his spine. You sit back down as he turned back in his chair, and he seemed to tense up.
“Amazing you survived it.” You sealed your lips.
He crossed his arms, “I supposed…”
A comfortable silent fell between you, the light, jazz music playing at a low, and Tangerine’s eyes trailed up the side of your bare leg. He didn’t mean to stare this much, but he felt more vulnerable than usual. One thing you knew is that Tangerine was a layered person, you had to take time to get to the center of him and realize he’s not so cold once you get to know him.
“Five months in Tuscany, I bet that was lovely.”
“Not really. I isolated the whole time… I wanted to be by myself, but I felt bad about what happened… what I did in Paris.” You admitted, but didn’t look into his eyes, fearing that he would turn on you in a second.
Tangerine sighed, “You had to do your job, we did ours… that’s ‘bout all that can be said.” 
Assuming from the lack of eye contact and his tone, he seemed hurt too. You could easily let it boost your ego, but, you actually felt a relief. This hatred you’ve held against each other has finally come down and even though it wasn’t actually said, both of you can feel hostility leave the room.
You bit the inside of your cheek, “Remember, we’re starting over. Clean slate. I hope I’m making a good impression so far.” You raised your eyebrows, lifting your glass again just to drink the mixture of watered down liquor. 
He chuckled, “You’re just lovely.”
The comment made your face get hot. You blame the accent and how it can just get under your skin.
“I don’t think you’ve ever called me something so nice.”
Tangerine smirked, “Funny since we’ve just met, darling.”
Darling.
It was the first time you heard it as a term of endearment then pure spite.
You rolled your eyes, but you could humor that Tangerine was going along with it. This new cheeky side of him was something you didn’t think existed– maybe it was the liquor talking, but you hoped it wasn’t just that simple.
“So, what brings you here?” You continued to tease, placing your elbows on the table, “Business… or pleasure?” Your hand laid on top of his, brushing your fingertips along the chunky rings that perfectly fit his fingers.
Multiples thoughts sounded through both your minds.
“Maybe it’s the liquor.” “Maybe we’re a little over our heads.” “Maybe we’re bored.”
But, Tangerine held your hand on top of the table, gently holding it as his thumb grazes over your knuckles.
“Depends…” He trailed, now leaning in too, “What are you here for?”
– – –
In just a few minutes, you two were back in the room you felt trapped in for hours.
Tangerine pressed your back against the wall, a tingle running up your spine from the coolness of the wallpaper. Your lips pressed together over and over, tilting your head before biting his bottom lip. He effortlessly lifted you up with his hand under the back of your thighs, and your ankles meet around his back.
He needed so bad, desperate even… and the feeling was mutual.
He put you down on your feet again, pressing a kiss against your scarred cheek then another on your jaw. His light kisses run down the middle of your breasts as his hand lifted up the end of your skirt. You pushed your hips out as your back was against the wall still, watching him pull down your panties in an instant. You kick them to the side and Tangerine placed your leg over his shoulder, kisses along your inner thigh and your hand ran through the front of his curls.
Suddenly, his tongue ran over your swollen clit before sucking on it. With one hand in his hair, the other caressing your breast and running your thumb over your nipple.
Tangerine panted, moving his hand against your pussy lips. He pushed them apart, showing your tight hole and how you clench around nothing. He lowly groaned, running his fingers over your clit before sliding his two fingers into your pussy. You bite your bottom lip to hold back the moan stuck in your throat, watching him suck your clit and finger you at the same time.
Just as your climax neared, he felt your cunt tighten around his fingers. He couldn’t end it like this so, he took them away. You let your leg down, watching him come back up and tower over you.
“If I’m goin’ to make you cum…” He sighed, “I’m gonna be deep inside you when you fucking crumble.” He said so low before pressing his fingers against your tongue, and you tasted yourself.
You pulled his hand back, running your thumbs over his tattooed hand.
“Not if I make you cum first.” You trailed, moving his hand down so you could kiss him.
He could drop to his knees in an instant, but Tangerine surprisingly kept his composure. 
You smirked as you pushed him toward the bed, the back of his knees hitting it to make him sit down. As you stood in front of him, he leaned on his elbows as he watched your dress drop to the floor. It pooled at your ankles and when his eyes shifted back up, so glossed over, your bare body was the center of his attention.
“Hmm, I don’t think you’ll last.” You taunted.
As much as he could snap back, you straddled him and pulled apart his tightly buttoned shirt. Your hands ran over his toned and tatted chest before reaching down to his pants, unzipping the fly and he shuffled a bit to shift them off his hips. His cock was hard, restrained from his boxers and you felt flattered.
You giggled, leaning forward to share a slow kiss with him. Your bare pussy rubbed against his cock as you moved closer to him. A low groan mumbled between your makeout, and you pushed him back so you two both fell on the bed.
Your hands pressed into each side of the mattress, gaining strength to help yourself grind against his hard. His big hands tightly held your hips as you continued your smooth momentum, whimpering at your clit being rubbed by your harsh grind.
As heat rose in the room, your right hand dipped between the two of you, and ran over his hard cock once more. Tan’s lips now desperately met your jaw before taking a light bite at your neck. The feeling of your hand caressing through his boxers could make him release right there.
Becoming more impatient, you finally pushed your hand into the band of his boxers and he once more moved his hips to shift out of them. 
“Fuck, your cock is so big… can barely hold it with my hand. God, I want you to stretch me out…” You moaned, “Is that okay?”
You purposefully let him believe that he was in charge, and you were falling into the submissive role. Tangerine gained a bit of confidence from your desperate comments, and he sat more up on the bed.
“Fucking christ…” Is all he could say.
He moved the swollen and red tip against your wet slit, also aching and needing your walls to wrap around him now. At first there was pressure, pushing the tip inside your hole then slowly guiding your hips down to completely take in every inch of his cock. 
Once he bottomed out, your body lightly shook as your lips brushed against his. He was fully inside you, the tight and warm feeling making him wither beneath you.
Tangerine moved his hand, kissing your shoulder, “God, you feel like fuckin’ heaven.”
“Don’t stop. Please…” You huffed.
– – –
Then, it was morning. 
The rising sun peaked through the small split of the curtains. As you tried to shift, your body ached throughout every muscle. A small groan left your lips, but you were pulled back by a strong arm wrapped around your waist.
It snapped you back into reality. Last night really happened… and you were okay with that.
Tangerine’s tattooed arm unconsciously tightened around you, holding you close still as he still slept behind you. You barely look over your shoulder and saw his face, his eyes still shut and his curls looked wild.
You faintly smile as you turn around to face him, and that’s what woke him up. He pulled his arms back and rubbed his eyes from the brightness of the sun coming in. You run your finger along a curl on his forehead, pushing it to the top of his head and your heart melted from the sight of those blue eyes.
“Did last night really happen?” You mumbled, but with a faint smile on your lips.
He placed his hand gently on your cheek, caressing his thumb against your jaw. 
“I think the real question is…” He trailed, “Do we stay another night or go back to pretending to not know each other's existences?”
You bit your bottom lip, lightly giggling, “I think we pick secret option three and go somewhere else. Get away for a while… see where this is going. Don’t you?”
Just at that moment, Tangerine’s phone vibrated in his pants that were on the floor next to the bed. He turned over on his other side, reaching down to pull it out and reading a text Lemon just sent.
“Got a call about a job in Budapest. Are you in or overstaying your weekend?”
Tangerine smirked at himself, then felt your lips press against his neck. You placed another kiss on his shoulder, leaving a tender love bite before he turned back around to kiss you. Maybe it was the natural thrill of the chase, but you loved the not knowing. 
Whatever was next, you could only hope that he kept it interesting.
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