23. Least Favorite Student - TMNT 2012
Somebody take this kid away from me, I can't stop being mean to him.
"Very good, Michelangelo." Master Splinter's fond praise rings across the dojo.
Raph shares a grin with Mikey. Always nice to hear some positive feedback, even when it's not directed at him. Besides, his brothers are probably the coolest people ever, and they deserve recognition for that.
"Raphael." He straightens at the snap in Master Splinter's tone. "You would do well to heed your younger brother's example."
The reprimand draws all the good feelings from his body. Like any rebuke from his father, it stings all on its own. But it's not just that. It's the violent see-saw his voice does from warm to cold. It's the way he says younger brother, as if it's shameful Raph's not on the same level or better than Mikey. As if they aren't the same age. As if Mikey couldn't wipe the floor with all of them if he tried. And it all compounds until it feels like a blade carving into his heart.
He grits his teeth. "Hai, Sensei."
Master Splinter sends him to practice kata on the other side of the dojo while his brothers continue to spar. Just when he thinks it can't get worse. Sensei knows sparring is Raph's favorite part of training. He struggles to focus on each form as his mind runs away from him.
This is proof Mikey's a better student than him. Leo's obviously a better student than both of them. Then it doesn't matter where Donnie falls because Splinter's always liked Donnie almost as much as he likes Leo for all he does for their family. So that makes him, Raphael, the worst of them all. Then again, he'd always known he was Sensei's least favorite student, least favorite son. He's too angry. Too rebellious. Too aggressive. Too stubborn. Too loud. Too much too much too much.
He makes it through the rest of training on autopilot, and he knows Leo can tell because he shoots Raph an odd, searching look between matches. Leo better not ask if he wants a hug again because Raph will start sobbing or entirely shut down, and neither is an option in front of Master Splinter. He doesn't, and no one else pays him any extra attention. At least, until Sensei dismisses them all, then Donnie won't leave him alone.
He's just trying to get somewhere quiet and secluded, preferably with a door that locks and thick walls that muffle sound. Preferably his room, not the lab that Donnie's dragging him toward, but Raph's too unsteady with the weight of some impending something hanging over him. He can't walk straight, he can't focus. Donnie's talking about all the things he has to do for the lair and needing something, and come on, Raph, can't you help him?
Raph's not entirely sure he can breathe anymore.
Donnie stops abruptly, peering closely at his face. "Raph," he says like static, "You good?"
Raph is not good. There is no way he can make it to his room in time for what is about to be a cataclysmic panic attack. Instead, he stumbles past Donnie through the open door of the lab. Fat tears drip to the floor moments before he does, and then he's sobbing so hard he thinks he must be drowning.
He's not sure how long he chokes on his own tears before warm hands reach for him. His limbs are detangled, pulled upright, and tugged forward until his chin rests against a shoulder. Donnie's voice washes over him, counting a familiar breathing exercise while his claws click in sync against Raph's shell. The lungs beneath him expand and deflate with exaggerated emphasis.
They sit plastron to plastron on the floor for a long time.
"Was this," Donnie says haltingly, "about what Sensei said to you? Today? In training?" His voice trails off like he doesn't want to be wrong. Like he doesn't want to be right.
Raph, still tucked into him, shrugs. Cold and spent, but he gathers his voice past the rasp in his throat. "I guess. Just happens sometimes."
"I. Ah. No?" Raph grips tighter as Donnie tries to pull back. "I mean, yeah, sometimes Sensei can be kinda harsh with his criticism, but if this is how you react to it—"
"No," Raph coughs, shaking his head. "Just a bad day, I don't know. It's fine."
Donnie gives a disgruntled rumble, tugging at Raph more insistently. "It's not fine. We should talk to Sensei about this."
Raph jerks back, masking his panic with a glare. "Don, stop. It doesn't happen. Today's just, a weird day, okay? I can handle it. It's not Sensei's fault my emotions are broke, and I can't take a bit of correction."
Donnie's eyes are painfully intense, but he doesn't speak. They stare at each other, and he still doesn't speak. And the silence grows heavy and thick until—
"Fai."
Raph grimaces. That one syllable is such an unexpectedly devastating blow. He squares his shoulders in an effort not to shrink. Donnie hasn't called him that since he was five years old. Which was only a couple of weeks ago, but still.
"Fai," Donnie repeats, coaxingly soft, like trying to talk a kid out of their shell.
Words rush out of him, "I'm sorry I'm not little anymore."
Donnie's face goes through a complicated reboot process. "You're sorry you're not what?"
"Little, a kid, de-aged." Raph clarifies, flicking his hand.
"Why would you apologise about that?" Donnie is almost comically wide-eyed. "I'm the one who did that to you. If anything, you should be mad at me."
Raph shakes his head furiously. His breathing has picked up again, and Donnie's once soothing rhythm against his shell makes his skin crawl.
"I'm too much," he gasps. "I was easier like that."
Donnie snorts, "You definitely weren't."
His breath catches.
"You were five, Raphael," Donnie deadpans, as if that explains everything.
When Raph just stares at him, he continues, "You had no emotional regulation, a penchant for mischief, and usually made absolutely zero sense. You would suddenly have opinions on things you'd never heard of before. You were so maddeningly adorable that Leo gave you whatever you wanted. And Mikey was apprenticing you in all things prank-related." Donnie leans in with a glint in his eye Raph can't guess at. "If we didn't get you back when we did, there probably would have been an outright war."
Raph suddenly crushingly realises that he has always been and will always be a horrible person. A horrible student. A horrible son. A horrible brother. He knew it. Sensei knew it. He's—
"Hey," Donnie drags him out of his spiraling thoughts with a pat on his cheek. "I'm still talking. Five-year-old Raph was an agent of chaos, but you were also incredibly kind-hearted, quick to forgive, fiercely protective, hilarious, and still my favorite brother."
Donnie smiles at him, and Raph sees—thinks he sees—kindness and love but also something bittersweet and sorry. "You're still all those things, Fai, and more. But there is nothing about you that could possibly be too much, and I want no other version of you than this one right here." He punctuates his message by thunking their foreheads together.
And they sit like that for a long time. Long enough for Raph to really start breathing easy again. Long enough for him to start believing his brother means it. Long enough to start feeling embarrassed by this whole chain of events, but never let it be said Donnie knows when to leave well enough alone.
"I didn't realise you have panic attacks," he has the gall to half-ask conversationally.
"Only sometimes," Raph grumbles, then shrugs. "That one was kinda bad."
Donnie hums and then gets that breakthrough look on his face. "Probably because I dragged you to the site of your most recent trauma. Oh, sewer apples, I'm an idiot."
"Hey." Raph smacks him. "Don't call yourself that. You're too much of a genius to be an idiot."
Besides, he’s wrong. Sure, a lot of crazy stuff happens in this lab, but Raph has only ever felt safe when he’s here with Donnie. Being alone in here? Usually a bad idea. But this is Donnie’s domain, and he likes seeing his brother in his element. Confident and commanding and sometimes even cool. As if he can hear Raph's thoughts, Donnie grins lopsidedly.
And then, cutting to the heart of it, he declares, "If I'm a genius, then I say you're not broken."
"Don," he pleads.
"Uh uh," Donnie chides cheekily, "You said I'm a genius. I'm smarter, I know best."
Raph narrows his eyes. See if he ever says anything nice to Donnie again.
"You're not broken, Raphael." And Raph is surprised at how fast he stops bragging, at his utter sincerity. "You don't need to be fixed. I'll take you however you are. I promise."
Raph would weep if he hadn't already spent all his tears for the year. "Whatever you say, genius."
That crooked smile comes back. "I love you, Fai."
"Yeah, yeah, I love you, too, nerd," is what he says, but Raph is sure his gratitude and joy are obvious.
He kicks away, pushing to his feet and ignoring Donnie's aggravated scoff. "Now tell me what you need help with, and maybe I'll decide it’s worth my time."
"What would I need help—Oh." Donnie looks sheepish, rising to his feet but hunching his shoulders. "I just needed to grab my controller. I wanted to play that new video game from April with you."
And that, that right there is Donatello at his sweetest. Something's changed since Raph was little, he's still not sure what. But Donnie's making an effort to spend more time out of the lab, and it matters. It matters so much.
"Well, if you wanted to lose so bad, all you had to do was ask," Raph turns and marches toward the pit, determined to leave the bad feelings of today behind.
"Oh, it is on, Raphael!"
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