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#m*ving o*t tag
pepprs · 5 months
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gonna have to delete this later due to the redacted horrors but moving out update. today and yesterday i toured apartments. the one i toured today was smaller yet more expensive and had lower ratings and is very far away from campus plus the actual tour itself was… a very distressing and disturbing experience and not just bc there were literally dead bugs in one of the units 🤢 but like the place just had bad vibes i guess. i don’t know why it was so awful for me but i had a terrible feeling in my gut the whole time and then was almost in a scary situation getting back to campus (totally unrelated to the tour / property lol) but it was ok and i made it back completely safe in the end im just still extremely like. triggered i guess and i can’t talk about it to anyone at home (bc they can’t know im trying to move out lol) which is making me want to cry. like my nervous system is disregulated as my therapist would say. in fight or flight mode. but anyway none of that is even important bc im not going to live there because you know where i think im going to live???? THE APARTMENT I TOURED YESTERDAY!!!!! it’s like 3-4 mins away from campus (not to mention literally RIGHTTTT next to a campus shuttle stop) and right down the street from a whole bunch of cute restaurants and stores etc etc including my former therapy place (lol) and my favorite restaurant near campus, the apartment is bigger, rent is lower, and the property is beautiful imo. the only problem is that the only 1br/1ba apartments are on the ground floor which in my mind means im more vulnerable to a) ppl trying to like break in or do whatever god forbid a million times b) bugs ☹️ but tbh id be willing to try to deal with that and see how it goes. it’s gotten consistently 4-5 star ratings from residents for the last year and it has in unit laundry too 🤯 im so nervous and excited. now i just have to work up the strength to actually like. move there and tell my family that’s what im doing when they don’t want me to move without being able to drive and they don’t want me to live alone. but omg im so excited i just want to make it official nowwww
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™Gledaj|~ 365 Days (2020) Ceo F I L M-HDQ sa Prevodom SRBIJA|720p
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pepprs · 7 months
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ok mutuals. im going to tell you this because im speaking it into existence and if it falls through it falls through but this is my intention. i am going to move out. before the end of this year. into an apartment close to campus. i will live there by myself. do a 3 month lease. and then from there figure out what my next step is. i know i need to learn how to drive and i don’t know how and that’s a huge problem when it comes to doctors appointments and shopping etc etc. but my friends who are family will teach me to do it. i just need to get out of this house. i need to. i can’t wait any longer. i can’t keep pushing back my departure. i’ve been here for almost 2 years and it’s miserable. i can’t do it anymore. my happiness matters. my mental health matters. my autonomy matters. i am almost 25 and i can’t live like this anymore.
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pepprs · 7 months
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also btw back to all the building the courage to move out stuff. last night i stayed up late (lol) reorganizing my building-the-courage-to-move-out playlist so that the lyrics tell a chronological story abt what this journey has been like for me and it’s still kind of messy but im proud of it and strengthened by it. i feel like it’s cringe to share it but i want to in part bc it’s another accountability thing so yeah ermmm i hope if anyone chooses to listen to it you’ll take something away from the juxtaposition of it all. here are the different sections / chapters
independent accident (c418): instrumental opener with a relevant title bc i like to start chronological story playlists that way
when will my life begin (tangled) - much more (barbra streisand): describing my home situation. going from kind of innocently being like “hey what if i could be more independent” to “hey what if the dynamics in this house are crushing me slowly. i need to not be in this situation i have to move out”
every single night (fiona apple) - i want love (elton john): more concertedly looking at the state of my life / my mental health situation and realizing how much living here is the source of that and always has been. lol 🤪 and also trying to convince myself that i deserve better and building the courage to ask for it
bloodline / difficult things (orla gartland) - nothing changes (hadestown): telling my family (especially my mom) that im unhappy living at home and want to move out but it blows up in my face. i get guilt tripped / gaslit out of it and it’s agonizing but i entirely lose my ability to remember how much i need this and i accept defeat
the hurt of happiness (hey ocean) - tales of dominica (lil nas x): the headspace ive been in for the last year or two of being depressed out of my mind and sinking in quicksand and losing all sense of hope that i will ever become an independent adult and not live here <3
need 2 (pinegrove) - new person, same old mistakes (tame impala): the chapter (i hope) im in cureently of realizing like… hey. i do have the strength. i am an adult and i choose my life. i will do this and be strong and it will be very hard and destructive but it will be okay. (i feel like the song im currently “on” is new person, same old mistakes lol. where i know i need to do it but have my familys voices in my head telling me i can’t)
quiet (matilda) - goodbye yellow brick road (elton john): AUGHHHH the most emotional part of the playlist. every song in this section makes me want to cry and sometimes has. this is when i will finally build the courage to actually say im moving out and act on it for real and the absolute wound that is going to rip me open and destroy my entire world <3 i feel it all (feist) is the OK IM GOING TO DO IT NOW AND ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES song and tactics (japanese breakfast) is me like… actually beginning to tell my family. aughhhhh ahghhhh augghhhhhhh.
when will my life begin reprise (tangled) - wildewoman (lucius): the aftermath where im hopefully happy and thriving and growing into my independence! :~D
this playlist (which i made specifically abt my experience of moving onto campus in aug 2021) + this playlist (which is kind of a messy look at like.. learning how to drive and having experiences of independence etc etc) also overlap a lot with the last 3 bullet points so i need to go through them and add more songs to this one too lole. they’re not organized to tell a story iirc but they’re also worth a listen (maybe on shuffle) and those songs may change what this playlist looks like when i add them but yeah this is the playlist as of rn :~D thank u for reading / listening if u did i am going to be late for work now but it was worth it to type all of this up
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pepprs · 1 year
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i am the most normal girl in the world. every week i get obsessed with a new thing. two weeks ago it was [redacted closed species from deviantart]. last week it was among us. this week it’s the song “much more” from the musical the fantasticks specifically this performance of it by barbra streisand.
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pepprs · 3 years
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Ok i shouldn’t be posting ive made too many posts today but like. Ooh i shouldn’t have done that to myself. God. Um i just went thru my abroad tag and read thru like what it was like to leave and struggle and be homesick so i could remenebr and know what im up against and i am just….. like i can’t even move. I mean I’m pacing rn but im stiff and my muscles are so tense and i shouldn’t have done that to myself. Like that all actually happened to me and i am abt to put myself thru that AGAIN in like 12 days or some dhit I’ve lost track at this point. im abt to do that AGAIN. Have i lost my fucking mind. i think so. FUCK
#purrs#im trying to calm down im very anxious like I just need to remember. this is different this is SO different. imwgonna be 20 mins away and in#a place I know with people i love and i can still get all the same food and toiletries and whatever i use at home and i don’t have to worry#abt data or wifi or anything AND I CAN COME HOME!!!! I CAN COME HOME im not saying goodbye to anyone reallt im just living here less.#changing how much time i spend here and i can come back if i need to when i need to at my own whim. and I’m in the same time zone and the#same country and not an ocean away. But like FUCK fuck fuck. i just am so…. um not to say this i feel stupid for saying it but genuinely.#truly and genuinely ….. ah nvm im not going to say it it feels too strong a word. but i am truly annd genuinely Psychologically Impacted by#getting there and having to be extremely independent like 0 to 100 and being homesick like the whole time and then just as i was getting#comfortable having it get rippped away and going from 100 to like. not 0 more like -50 for EIGHTEEN FUCKING MONTHS!!!!!!! And now it’s#like oh i am . I have to. I am like. going. I have to like buy things and figure out stuff and ive said it before but HOW IN THE FUCK am i#Goi ng to b eable to like do classes and work and shit when i am going thru this without annew counselor or whatever 😭 like i need a MONTH t#to get settled I swear. and i know this is gonna be so good for me when i get there and get used to it but i am like. I can’t move rn im jus#just frozen in fear and pretending it’s not happening and the house is a mess and everyone’s mad at me abt it and im ignoring emails and not#buying things and pretending i have months of summer left and i DONT. like this is happening…. this is happening now. and i need to calm#down and fucking… MOVE!!!!!!!!#o g this got so long. embarrsssing#m*ving o*t tag#mayhe -100 not -50 actually LOL like the way i have left the house like 4 times during all of this 😶
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pepprs · 3 years
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my life is literally a movie i am going INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#i. quite litcherally am the luckiest girl alive and i am GETTING MY FAIRYTALE ENDING TO THIS CHAPTER AND EVERYRHING IS FALLING INTO PLACE!#WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK!!!!!!!!!! like the way i have THEEEEE most wonderful ppl in the world in my corner... the way that all of the#experiences ive ever had in my life are building on themselves.... the way it is so EASY to see the universe unfurling out in my favor. like#this is MANIFESTINGGGGUE but it’s not even that it’s like.. actually working for it and fighting for it and like. damn. sometimes u will#just meet all of these different ppl who u love so much and they will end up in the same place as u somehow or connected to u in these#closer and closer ways and u will jump the flaming chariot and find ur own life in the falling and the flying and like... INSANE AND CRAZY#how i am like... like I don’t know what’s coming next and also i do and it’s the best feeling in the world rn. if i wasn’t so tired i would#go run around the house in circles like how is any of this happening to me but i KNOW how! it’s bc i love and i am loved! that’s literaly wh#what it all comes down to and what it’s all abt and i know that at only 22 YRS OLD and so much goodness is coming my way and I HAVE TEETH#AND I AM BITING INTO MY LIFE!!!!!!!! I AM LIVING DELICIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!#purrs#like this is what happens when u are in TUNE! when u have foresight and hindsight out the... ok not to say wazoo but out the WAZOO!!!!!! 🥺#and when u are NOURISHED AND ENRICHED despite the confines of ur enclosure..... when they look indefinite and then u are reminded of how#strong u are and then u can say no actuallt there will be an end to this and i will make it for myself. and then u DO!#degree plan tag#m*ving o*t tag
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pepprs · 3 years
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gewls…. ahm not gonna lie ta yoew. i am being eaten alive by loneliness ♥️
#i KNOW it’s not as uncertain as it seems i KNOW i can do it i KNOW this is different and better in most ways or will be i KNOW allowing my#head and heart and psyche to fill w grief and fear is corrupting everything i KNOW im not as alone in my loneliness as i think i am bc so#many other ppl are struggling to make big life decisions in the face of all this delta shit it’s like part of the human experience or#whatever now. but mannnnnn this is the last normal week and weekend of this part of my life methinks. and it is so hard to hold myself. like#harder than usual bc it’s already hard 🤣👍 but like. everything is crumbling all around me and inside me and i am still going to risk my life#and make this leap huh. i am still going to do that. i am still going to hurt everything AND… i am still going to hurt after this that’s the#other thing. like it’s not all gonna be sunshine and rainbows when i get there. and i don’t know if i can take it like honestly honestly#honestly. don’t know if i can take more of this. and i can’t tell if my cold feet are bc im scared to take more of it or if im scared to get#covid and give covid and kill and die bc that is. what we are looking down the barrel of right now ♥️ but it’s like. how do i function when#this is hurtling at me faster by the minute and i have to reckon with all the consequences of my actions and my impact on the world when i#don’t think it’s a good one rn and there is very little i can do abt it bc. you know. the psychic damage of it all. yeah ♥️#purrs#m*ving o*t tag#like the way i have 17 days left and on all levels except physical i am freezing myself in a glacier ♥️#but also like THIS ISNT PERMANENT like last time!!!!!!!! like bitch you can come home on the weekends probably what’s not fucking clicking 😭
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pepprs · 3 years
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LOLLLLL this whole time i thought im moving out on a wednesday but actually it’s a TUESDAY which means i was already 2 weeks away from moving as of yesterday and now…. im like 13 days away or some shit. ummmm 😵
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pepprs · 3 years
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omg. i just did something so scary and exciting that i have tried to do two other times (once in 2017 and once in 2019 at exactly this same time in march) and the last 2 times i got too scared or got talked out of it but i just sat down and fucking did it just now once and for all and. omg my god. omg. omg
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pepprs · 3 years
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mutuals..... i
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pepprs · 3 years
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not to be a complete idiot but... god idk how to even say it but i feel like hysterically crying
#not me VAGUING ABT THIS ON TUMBLR DOT COM WHEN ONLY TWO OF MY MUTUALS KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABT but. i.... wear these two string bracelets#around one of my wrists from the retreat and. they are very special to me and my oldest one.. the one i got the week my whole fucking life#changed. it just fell off. like it’s in my hand rn and i want to try tying it on but i shouldn’t bc it lasted 3 entire yrs. which is a#little insane i think and like it sounds so stupid but it’s never not been... touching me? since i first got it tied on and its just a ratty#piece of string but also it’s SO much more than that and it fucking fell off and i never thought it would and i did. the other one from 2020#is still there but the 2018 one is in my fucking hand while im typing this and i feel so sick and im trying to look up like... bc this is a#thing in judiasm and other cultures too although obviously it’s different but im trying to look up what to do when ur good luck string#fucking falls off and u can’t get a new one. i feel like someone just punched me in the chest wtf. i have to accept the housing offer today#it’s a sign i think it’s a sign. oh my goddddddddddddd#ask to tag#delete later#?#purrs#i feel like dumbo w/o his fucking feather rn like im suddenly losing my shit so bad UMMMM... like i need to calm down and rememebr. that#this is not the thing that gives me strength it’s just a symbol of it. but my GOD who saw that coming. what in the fucking WORLD#like the bracelet isn’t on me anymore but all the strength it represents is always in me and can never be taken away etc etc. but omg. omg#m*ving o*t tag
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pepprs · 3 years
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happy april i am in hell in so so so many ways rn but a lot of big stuff is happening this month and i just hope i make it out ok
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pepprs · 3 years
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uhhjhhghhhghhgg
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pepprs · 3 years
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moving sucks so hard i just moved out for the first time and am struggling through my new job rn but i swear to god once you actually get settled in your apartment, even if its not like you dreamed, everything will get so, so much better. stay strong friend. you've got this - love ya, stranger 😘
omg SOLIDARITY i hope everything goes well w settling in and ur new job!!!! so much change all at once.. i have it easier bc im still going to the same school / working the same job but moving alone is so stressful and overwhelming.. i respect u TREMENDOUSLY for doing all that at once and i hope all of the bumps will smooth out in the end!!! im so glad we’re in this together 💖💖💖💖💖
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pepprs · 3 years
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lots and lots of hugs being sent your way. this is an incredibly difficult choice and while it can be so overwhelming, your conscientiousness and awareness is incredible. i hope you get to live the life you want to lead! wishing you the best luck and health possible in your situation. you are loved and cared about and we are rooting for you!
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
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