#loved to play in. we'd eat huckleberries & we also got the adults to help built a pretty awesome fort. but then my older cousin basically

[holylacydoll]

and you know, it's quite strange

#when my memories of traumatic events were gone #i didnt even know i was missing them #like people often say they dont remember what happened to them and they know the memories are gone #but one day i was just sitting and thinking of my older step cousin and then my brain was like #hey u remember that he exploited the fact u looked up to him as a cool older cousin to sexually assault you right? #and i. like. we were really poor for a while and lived with my ab*sers family. my grandma and his sister and all her kids. #i was in elementary school. i only lived there for 1st & part of 2nd grade. but there was a big forest behind the house that all us kids #loved to play in. we'd eat huckleberries & we also got the adults to help built a pretty awesome fort. but then my older cousin basically #took over it & he & his friends who were twins always hung out in it #& there was like a secret club they had going on & me & my younger cousin always wanted to hang out with them #but they excluded us and so we were really desperate for their attention & to hang with the cool older kids. like once they made us walk #through this like really thick muddy swamp & my little cousin & i were so short we couldn't get through easily. #like i was 2nd grade max & she was in kindergarten. so ofc the taller kids could get through fine & it was like a club initiation. but i #couldn't do it & so i cried & my ab*ser got mad at them for not letting us play with them. so basically they were forced to let us hang out #& everyone in the club had a postition & my cousin was the leader obviously. we would have jobs like clean the fort or go pick huckleberries #or look out for animals bc we pretended there was bears in the woods. usually all we found was deer or a rabbit. #it was rlly fun honestly to explore the woods like that. i miss it a lot. i miss the trees in the pnw. but of course in order to be in the #club my cousin would like pull me apart from the group sometimes to talk or to go down to the little stream or wherever. and then he would #like at first it was just looking down my pants but after time it became putting his hands down my jeans & having me do the same to him #this was 1st grade & it might be what started my fascination w/ s*x at a young age. that or it started in kindergarten?? diff story. #at the time it felt weird but good & like i didn't understand anything but for some reason i knew wasn't allowed to tell anyone bc it was #something i shouldn't be doing. and maybe you could say it was just two kids being curious together but he was in at least 7th grade at the #time. like it's one thing to experiment when ur young w/someone your own age but its another thing to do it to your younger cousin. idk. #but after this i just sort of became obsessed w/ the feeling. like b4 i got my own computer i literally used to google sex on yt & watch it #in the living room with my family just w/ the computer faced away from everyone else. i didn't do anything else just watched it. #when i got my own tablet my ab*ser monitored all my online activity. i think that's when it went from fatherly love to being a f*ckin p*do. #like omg. that tablet i got for xmas rlly ruined my life. i did so much w/ older creeps i didn't even know i was a victim until years later. #but worst of all my stepf*ther used it against me & said he'd tell my mom what i did. it was like he was always trying to start a fight. #he really enjoyed arguing with us and then making js apologize.