Love is Hard And We All Have Flaws
"Oh, one day, you'll find someone who loves you because of your flaws, not in spite of them!"
No. No, fuck that. Shut the fuck up, you liar.
If you wanna have a romantic partner one day, you're gonna find them. If you try and then keep trying, you're gonna make it. But here's how it's gonna go;
You're gonna meet someone who loves you, and you're gonna love them right back, and they're going to fucking hate your flaws.
They're going to hate the fact that you slurp your hot chocolate. They're gonna hate how you always look over at them when you do it, and you always have a smirk on when you do it too! They absolutely hate the fact that you obviously know exactly what you're doing.
They will hate how you tell stories whenever they accomplish something. How you always try to overshadow them to make you seem better, stealing whatever spotlight they've managed to gather.
They'll hate how you put your feet up on the coffee table, never failing to leave dirt stains on the wood. They always have to fucking clean up after you, and no matter how childish it sounds, it's not fucking fair when you made the mess in the first place.
And you will hate them right back.
You will hate how they click their pen when working. You work at the same time, and good god, that noise is so distracting. You'll even tell them to stop, and they never fucking listen.
You're gonna hate how they're always on their phone, even when you're talking. They say that they're multitasking, but five seconds later they'll have you repeat your last sentence because "they didn't hear you!"
You'll especially hate how they're a vegetarian. Well, you don't actually hate the vegetarian part, it's more how they never miss an opportunity to offer you some of their food, even though you've told them multiple times that you don't wanna try vegetarian stuff. That's not even mentioning how they'll grimace whenever you make a meat-heavy meal, how they'll stare at you and make you feel awful for eating fucking food.
You both gonna hate it, and then you're gonna talk about it like the fucking adults you are.
They're gonna say that the sound of you slurping hot chocolate drives them mad. How they know that you revel in their fucking suffering, but it's not fucking funny, okay? They're tired of this shit and just want to drink in peace for one fucking second.
And you're not gonna hold that over them. You're gonna apologise for slurping because you genuinely didn't know that it irritated them. The looks that you give them when they slurp? Those are because you're family has always used slurping as a way of saying something tastes good, and you didn't realise that wasn't a universal thing.
(From then on, you try not to slurp. Not because you're scared or guilty or some shit like that, but because the sound obviously really bothered them, and you love them. So you try saying that you love it out loud instead, all the while keeping an eye on how much sound you're making. And when you inevitably slip, they don't glare at you. They just smile because you catch yourself less than a second in, and they know that you're trying. Plus, you're absolutely right; they make a fucking killer hot chocolate.)
And you'll tell them that you heavily dislike their pen clicking. You get that it probably helps them with their concentrate, but it absolutely obliterates yours. And it especially erks you that they never listen when you do tell them to stop.
And they say sorry. It was rude of them to not listen, and while their excuse is that they just never saw it as a big deal, that's still just an excuse. So while they don't really get the clicking problem, they understand that they've handled your response to it poorly and should listen when you say stuff like that in the future.
(And maybe you buy one of those silent clicking cubes so that they can still do the motion without irritating you. Or perhaps the sound is what helps them, so you decide that maybe you just shouldn't work in the same room. Not because either of you is wrong, but because sometimes you need to set boundaries.)
Then they'll tell you how your stories make them feel inferior. How you always steal the spotlight when they do something cool and never leave any for them.
And you'll apologise. You'll tell them that it's how you relate to a situation, that it's your way of saying, "I understand how you're feeling right now". It's an explanation, but when they explain their side of it, you understand how that can be frustrating and even disheartening.
(So in the future, when they're sad, you ask if they need you to relate or to just be there for them. When they're happy, you just stay quiet, because while you want to show that you understand what they're feeling, that you're so happy for them, a story about you isn't what they want or need for that. Instead, you just smile, give them a hug, and congratulate them on their accomplishments.
They'll give the biggest smile you've ever seen.)
And you'll bring up how they are always on their phone. And it's not the phone that's the problem, but rather, that it feels like they never listen when the two of you talk. How they'll hum along, only to look up with a sheepish expression to tell you they haven't been listening.
And they nod. They try to give an excuse or a reason a few times yet find none. And then they sigh because they've got nothing. Doing that was incredibly rude of them, and it shouldn't need an explanation for them to see that, but it did, and here you are. An apology and a promise to do better is all they can give you right now.
(And the next time you sit down to talk, they don't put down their phone. They hold up a finger, frowning as they finish the level, before turning it off and looking at you.
"Sorry," they say and shrug, "Unpauseable."
But they don't turn it on again, they let it sit face down on the table as you tell them about your day, and they listen. You might tear up a bit, so they hug you, giving you a light kiss on your forehead. A silent apology for previous acts you think you'll soon forgive them for.)
They bring up the coffee table and how they want you to stop putting your feet on it. Or maybe just take off your shoes when you do it because it gets dirt everywhere and they hate having to clean it up.
And you don't want to. Stop doing it, or take off your shoes. It's comfortable, and there isn't much else to it. You do apologise for making messes they had to clean up, though.
(You compromise. If you put up your feet and make the table dirty, you will be the one to clean it. You both actually agree to extend that a bit further. While laundry and dishes are still every other time for the both of you, you agree to clean any mess made by yourself, while once-a-month deep cleanings will remain a team effort.)
And then you tell them that it feels like they're trying to turn you vegetarian. They never say it, but they frown and complain and offer food you've already declined, and it gets on your nerves.
This is the start of your biggest fight yet. You are both of the opinion that the other is wrong, and neither of you is willing to agree to disagree.
So you go to couple's counselling. Not because you're on the verge of breaking up, nor because one of you is wrong or right.
No, you go because you both want to stay together. Because, while you have had your complaints, you're finally talking about them, and you both truly do love each other. You both understand that this is an important issue for both sides and that you need help working through it.
That's okay. There is only two of you, and sometimes, an outside force is needed to help.
And maybe this ends in a breakup. This might be a topic too personal for either of you to bend out of shape for it to be fixed. Or maybe they realise that trying to get you to eat vegetarian when you clearly don't want to is an asshole move. Or maybe you realise that this is incredibly important to your partner, and while they were untactful about it, they really do just want to help. Maybe you agree to try being vegetarian on weekends, or maybe they agree that while they have pure intentions, they can't and shouldn't force their ideas onto you.
Hate to break it to you, but you've probably never gonna find a monarch charming who ticks every box in your checklist of the perfect partner. And you're also probably never going to be perfect for someone else.
Love is hard in that it takes work and effort to cultivate, to bloom. It's a two ways street that needs to send cars with info, or it's gonna get shut down.
Sometimes, you're going to be wrong. Sometimes, they're going to be wrong. And sometimes, neither of you will be wrong or right. Asking for help is okay, and not liking something about your partner is okay. It's whether or not you are ready to talk about it, to work on or around it, that is the real deal-breaker.
"Oh, one day, you'll find someone who loves you because of your flaws, not in spite of them!"
You're going to find someone ready to accept your flaws. Someone who is willing to help you work on them or maybe, just maybe, learn to love them.
1 note · View note
Anger: as a Weapon, Brave or Reckless?
Scientists believe that the capacity for anger has been hardwired into the brain over millions of years of evolution. Anger can trigger the body’s fight or flight response, causing the adrenal glands to flood the body with stress hormones, preparing us for physical aggression. But whether we actually end up swearing or scowling or even punching someone depends on a second brain area, the prefrontal cortex, that is responsible for decision-making and reasoning. This puts our anger in context, reminds us to behave in socially acceptable ways and for most of us, most of the time, keeps our primal instincts in check.
It is true that anger can destroy a person, cause severe harm to your mental health, cause depression, alter your views, change the way you think, make you hate somebody and sometimes even risk your lives. When we feel angry, we tend to think more negatively and in a more prejudiced way about outsiders. Angry people tend to seek someone to blame. Anger can make us brave or reckless.
Anger always has a negative reputation when compared to positive emotions such as happiness, enthusiasm, love and hope. Many of us believe we would be better off without anger as an emotion. However, that's not very true, many psychologists, brain scientists, and mental health professionals have suggested that anger has it's own valuable qualities and can be beneficial to the human condition. Anger is not just aggressive reaction. When we loose our temper, our capacity to adapt the pain increases even more, we get through the worst. Yet, of course, extreme anger can be detrimental to our well-being.
I know most of you must be disagreeing with me right now, you might be having questions like, "anger causes stress" "anger causes anxiety" "anger causes depression" "how is it even beneficial" so let me tell you, anger can serve as a powerful motivator, it provides us a sense of control, it also energizes us, it motivates us to solve our problems, it makes us aware of injustice, anger improves our negotiating positions, it covers our painful feelings, makes us even more stronger and invulnerable. In a 2010 study, Dutch scientists showed volunteers pictures of objects such as pens and mugs on a computer screen interspersed with subliminal images of angry or neutral faces. When an angry face had flashed up first, people rated objects as more desirable and worked harder to win them in a subsequent game. Interestingly, the participants were not consciously aware of this motivation – they said they just liked the objects more. Science suggests there could be some benefits for the angry individual, if not for society at large.
"....... anger, like a fire, is a primal force, when left unchecked, it can be destructive, yet when managed and used wisely, it can be a beneficial and powerful instrument that leads to enlightenment…."
7 notes · View notes
How is it to be a Teenager?!
We all have been a teenager once in our life— some were a few decades ago, some still are, while others are yet to be. It is a phase full of energy, hope, beauty, hatred and passion. An age to experiment, try out new things, fail, learn, move on and grow.
You all would agree with me on this one: IT IS HARD TO BE A TEENAGER TODAY
I’m saying this not to gain any sympathy, but to raise this sensitive issue and back it up with strong, bold facts. It is 2021, ladies and gentlemen— where growing up is a challenge itself, a challenge difficult to navigate yourself, to figure out things, to make decisions and somewhat difficult to express yourself. We sometimes land ourselves in great troubles too, because it is the very first time when we are introduced to the actual world, as we step out of our comfort zones and start to shoulder responsibilities.
You wake up. Every day you want to be better, to be someone you're not. Every day you have a new goal. Some being more realistic than others but what's the down side to having all these goals? They simply aren't you. Nobody can be happy with who they are and what they've got.
too short? too tall? too skinny? too fat? too short hair? way too long hair? too many piercings? boobs that are too big? too many pimples? too many freckles? too hairy? bad teeth? too much makeup? ugly clothes? out of shape? bad at sports? And the list goes on, this is just a taste of some of the things teens say to put their peers down.
You would be fine, weighing 120 pounds instead of 100 and it’s okay to have that pimple on your cheek or on your forehead, it’s okay if you’re bad at some sports. It’s okay to be sad at times. Just love yourself the way you are, be you. Own who you are. You are who you are, and there is nothing wrong with that. People may not like you and that is okay, what only matters is what you think of yourself. You are never going to be perfect, no human will ever be. Learn to love yourself first, you can’t expect anyone else to love you until n unless you love yourself.
Social media these days is a huge disaster if you don’t use it in a right way. Don't get this wrong, but I’m pretty you’re your parents at least once in a while talk about "how social media is ruining most of the kids these days and it should never be used like this" and "how they never had a phone until collage" however they do have a point. And to some extent they’re exactly saying the right thing. The average teen goes to bed at night with their phone and look at all their accounts on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, etc.
Most of us stalk our own friends, or their friends or just complete strangers, and eventually we start comparing our lives to theirs, we start getting thoughts like "why can't I look like this?" As you continue scrolling you see a picture with all your friends hanging around and they you start asking yourself "why wasn't I invited?" and "do they even like me?" “are they even my friends?”. All bad things escalate and way more stress is added to your mind after you simply check your Instagram feed.
We only have one life, why waste it trying to bring someone else? Youth comes only once in a lifetime. Hate a little less, live a little more. And trust me you’ll get through this, just a little matter of time. Just be you, and shine bright. You are entirely up to you.
"……………if you can learn to love yourself and all the flaws, you can love other people so much better. And that makes you so happy……………."
3 notes · View notes