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#look at the height of quarantine depression
queen-helmaroc · 1 year
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as a college student who started university at the height of covid and am still working on my degree, it feels like people don't care about mental health as much as they did during quarantine. i was constantly being given resources to help with mental health struggles due to isolation, but now that my university has resumed in-person classes, it isn't talked about.
i am struggling now more than ever, and i never see anyone talking about resources unless i look it up myself.
i also find that when i do talk about my current issues, they are still blamed on covid?? itell someone im not doing well and somehow they find a way to connect it to quarantine. im just depressed man. quarantine didnt help but i know that is not the reason behind it.
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dermagen-iq-france · 1 year
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Giovanna Eubank Walks During Pregnancy and Meditates. See Benefits
Pregnancy is no excuse for a sedentary lifestyle. Rather the opposite. The benefits of movement during pregnancy are many, for both mother and baby. The proof is that Giovanna Eubank has shown that she is reaping the rewards of staying active. The actress, who is pregnant with a boy and is in her 27th week, said on social media that she bets on walking, in addition to meditation.
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"I was able to do some exercise, walk and meditate in the garden. This moment is essential for me: it's the moment to stop, breathe and think," he explains.
Giovanna Eubank noticed some physical changes with pregnancy, especially the abdominal circumference. "The belly took a while to appear and it's only now, around the 27th week, that I started to feel the baby moving. It's so delicious. I'm rediscovering everything, I never imagined that I would as much like to be pregnant, and to have this love for my new body“, she considered.
The Benefits Of Walking For The Mind
Walking is a great alternative for those who want to exercise without depending on a gym, equipment or accessories. Just a good pair of comfortable trainers to start getting into shape and gaining a few more years of life. Plus, it doesn't matter your height, weight or culture: walking is for everyone.
Read Also Health Feeds : How to regain your body during pregnancy
A study from the University of Illinois in the United States showed that walking has an anti-aging effect. This effect can also apply to the brain, increasing circuitry and reducing the risk of attention and memory problems. So yes, walking can not only make your body look younger, but your mind as well.
More reasons to walk
Reduces stress
Eliminates depression.
provision increases.
improves the quality of your sleep;
Strengthens the immune system.
Prevents diseases.
Strengthens the muscular system.
Improves blood circulation
Helps control cholesterol and diabetes.
Also read: What is the normal weight during pregnancy?
What Meditation Can Do For Your Health
Meditation helps with everything from relieving anxiety to preventing heart disease. Plus, in times of coronavirus, it can be a great tool for calming anxiety. Therefore, meditation reduces the amount of stress in our lives by putting the body into a relaxed state.
Every time we sit down, we're literally calling on our cells to trigger the stress responses we've built up over time. Thus, we can achieve increasingly accessible levels of happiness. Plus, it lowers blood pressure, improves sleep, and increases overall feelings of contentment and resilience.
Also Read: What to Eat While Breastfeeding?
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kirishwima · 3 years
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😭
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kyle-valenti · 3 years
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burnout only feels like burning
2.7k / Summary: kyle valenti doesn't have the same quarantine as his friends; an exploration of kyle's trauma during covid as a doctor. (tw depression & other triggers you’d imagine with this subject)
read & comment/ ao3
A little like the virus itself, Kyle’s relationship with his mask begins with worry, annoyance, and then pain. He’s more than happy to have the proper N-95 mask as they begin to get their first case at Roswell General but then a couple more patients trickle in and within a few days his skin is irritated and itching. Maybe it’s the news, maybe it’s the texts from his friends that he’s increasingly missing, but when the Regiment starts spouting off about how COVID is a joke he thinks it might be affecting his nerves too. By week three his former red mark left by the mask has become a permanent feature to his face and by week five it’s not a mark but a bruise instead. Blisters and cracks in his skin litter his hands from over-washing. His feet become so overused the pads of his feet feel numb and bruised and he wears through an entire pair of shoes.
Positivity has fled from his life by week seven and now he’s inside of a survival mode he’s never experienced. He thought after last year he’d be used to anything the world (or universe, rather, given all these aliens) could throw at him. Now what feels foolish, he had believed that there was nothing that could be worse than the previous pain of losing a patient or finding out his father had experimented on people’s lives. 
When he’s out of ventilators and CPAP machines because Albuquerque needs them more and he has to choose whether or not to save the life of an eighty five year old or a thirty two year old he remembers from high school, he breaks.
 Guilt is one thing, grief is another, but the pure rage he feels knowing that Max Evans is out on the town patrolling as some fucking cop and not someone who could heal most of this hospital makes him want to commit actual murder. Maybe trading the blood of an alien on his hands would feel less heart-wrenching. But no. Max had brought back Rosa and had paid the price. Quelling his anger, he went back to work.
 He slept at the hospital most nights in the height of it. Sure the couch was rough, but it was better than the other on-call doctor beds down the hall. Three twelve hour ER shifts of a usual work week doubled to five days of thirteen hour shifts. Soon there’s a week where he pulls double shifts for an entire week when one of his nurses is urgently hospitalized herself. Hospital directors had left them with no PPE except contaminated masks to reuse. Maria, Isobel, and Rosa are in the forefront of a drive to make and donate masks to his hospital after some social media posts that he doesn’t even see until the cloth masks arrive and his medical assistants give him their handwritten note. It makes him smile, but smiling feels so foreign that he almost wants to break from that.
 Visitors are no longer allowed which means Kyle isn’t allowed to use his bedside manner to comfort the family of patients. He has to facetime mothers, spouses, and children and hold the phone over a patient who can’t breathe without machine assistance and pretend that everything is fine and that there’s still hope despite the hypoxia and lack of rising vitals. Ignore that if the patient goes into cardiac arrest more than once, the kindest thing to do given prognosis is to let the patient pass. Resuscitation and DNR (a patient’s begging request to not be resuscitated) becomes a word he uses in his daily work and not simply for intense surgeries.
 Exhaustion isn’t a deep enough adjective to describe the fugue state he goes into. File to file, room to room, ventilator to next… he isn’t surprised when his body starts to wear down. When he no longer feels hunger and instead feels all too hot and dizzy. Telling himself it’s just because of how much he’s exerting his body while covered in layers and layers of protective clothing doesn’t help the fact that he’s starting to have more trouble breathing as he walks the hallways at a fast pace. When he begins to cough, he does what he promised himself he wouldn’t do and drives out post-shift to the desert cabin of Max Evans.
 Part of him is too desperately tired to knock, but when he arrives on the property with the cop car idle and the house dark and at peace for the night, his fury greets him with the embrace of a long-lost friend. Knuckles pound at the wood and Max answers the door with surprise and a general look of defense, and Kyle tries not to immediately punch him in the face at the fact he looks like he had woken up from a comfortable sleep.
 “Heal me.” Kyle manages to spit out.
 “I—what’s wrong?”
 “Beginning stages of respiratory distress, fever, nausea—what do you fucking think?”
 “Kyle—,” Max starts to say, the hesitation deepening, and that does it.
 “No. I have not asked you for anything in all of this, Evans. Anything!” He shouts, voice hoarse. “Not when people got sick, not when they started dying, not even when we started having to let people die on purpose. And you know what? I wasn’t going to even come and ask you now, but I can’t get sick when I’m the one here fucking saving lives out of the two of us and you’re just cruising the streets handing out goddamn traffic tickets.”
 Max’s face isn’t stony like it usually is when Kyle’s yelling at him; this time it’s crushed and guilty but not nearly enough. “What kind of hours you work this week, Evans? A nice 8 to 4? Did you get facetime with Isobel or your mom, maybe binge through a few books and movies after you’re home? Did you sit down and eat a nice dinner and or go over to drink a few beers with Guerin since you can’t get sick? Even get a nice eight hours of sleep in your own bed in your nice quiet home?”
 No response.
 “I am not asking to sequence your DNA like Liz. All I am asking is for you to let me heal people since you don’t want to.”
 A night breeze is all that makes noise for a moment as Kyle catches his breath and glares at Max, who stands quietly but is staring down at his boots before he finally looks up and nods. Max steps forward then, and Kyle sees that his eyes are actually filled with tears. Temper deflating, but still not subsiding entirely, given that not much else is able to be done; Kyle lets Max place a hand on his shoulder and feels the extremely weird feeling spread throughout his body. Something more electric than anything else, which God knew made a lot more sense concerning his powers and how the body operated with electrical nerve impulses, but that is a train of thought better left for another day. He wants to just walk away, and he almost does, but he still mutters a “thank you” before he does so.
When his nurse dies a few days later and he watches as the staff double bag her body to take to the morgue, he escapes to his office and crashes on his couch with sobs. There’s no one here to support him. He can’t go to his mother’s home and collapse into one of her comforting embraces without risking infecting her. He can’t get wasted at the Wild Pony with Maria when it’s closed. He can’t visit Rosa or Arturo at the Crashdown. Keeping his friends and family safe meant keeping them away from him. Keeping them safe meant he needed to stop pushing his head into his hands to try and control the sound of his crying and get back to work at saving the lives around them.
He gets put on leave by the hospital administrator when he’s almost arrested for decking Wyatt Long in the hospital parking lot as the idiot stood outside with a sign rallying Regiment members to make sure the hospital was told it was killing people on purpose for the election. If Jenna hadn’t been the officer on duty he would have been cuffed and put on record, jeopardizing his license, but there was some self-preserving part of him that desperately wished for his practice to be over anyway. He’s not even sure how Jenna handles it, honestly, all he remembers is her dropping him off at his house from her patrol car like she had been nothing but an uber. No matter how angry and adamant he gets, his boss refuses to bend, saying it’s for his own good given the connections the Long’s have in the town and how Kyle has worked almost 74 of the past 76 days.
Alex is the first to visit him, unannounced. When the doorbell rings Kyle is mindlessly pretending to watch some tv show in his living room that’ll distract him from his consuming thoughts about patients, so he doesn’t get up to answer. He checks his silent phone to see if he was forewarned of a visitor but sees nothing. Unsure if it’s his boss or a patient’s family, he forces himself up onto his sore feet and opens the door after grabbing a regular mask off the coffee table. Black face mask on and standing further out from the door on the porch is Alex, the usual gruff hello turned into something soft. “Hey.”
Kyle heaves a sigh. He had wondered when the pity visits would begin. “Hey. You really shouldn’t be around me, you know.”
“I’m clearly a minimum of eight feet away in an open space while masked.” Alex smarts back. “Either way, I’m worried about you.”
Scoffing, he shakes his head. “Don’t fucking worry about me. Worry about getting sick, because if I have to see another person I care about die, I--,”
“Kyle.” the other says too kindly, the sort of pacifying voice Alex reserved for only the most dire situations. “I have no idea what you’re dealing with in specifics, but my experiences do overlap with yours in some places.”
“And?”
Maybe it came out a little too rude, because Alex raises a brow, but then sighs instead. “And I’m just checking in to make sure you know people care about you.”
“Thanks, Manes.” Kyle huffs in return, managing not to roll his eyes because focusing on being blunt and abrasive was so much easier.
“Just be careful.” Alex interjects before Kyle could close the door and turn back to his show. “Dealing with the trauma of what you’re dealing with gets dark very quickly.”
“Because I punched Wyatt Long?” he spits back sarcastically.
“No, because the suicide rates for healthcare professionals are drastically increasing along with the rates of PTSD diagnoses.” Alex says flatly, ever one to be unfazed by sarcasm. “And I’ve lost more active duty members to suicide than I have combat.”
Kyle pauses, caught. Maybe Alex had known he would be, because there isn’t some way he can give a smile and reassuring wave with him like he could his mother or Liz. While Kyle hadn’t actively thought of a plan, he couldn’t pretend he had noticed signs of depression the second he was alone in his house. 
“The quiet is the worst part, right?” Alex says, all but reading his mind. “Not always because of the flashbacks, although those are horrible, but because if things are quiet then--,”
“--people are dying.” Kyle finishes, his voice raspier by the end of the three words. “Yeah, well, mine still are.”
“They’re going to.” Is what felt like a cold response, but somehow gave Kyle the understanding he’s been craving. “They’re going to die and because of your profession you’re going to be able to save some of them. Which will make you think you’re responsible to save all of them and because you’re a good person you’re going to feel guilty in ways that no one will understand for being human and failing to.”
“Failing is all I do lately.” Kyle replies. “Usually the wins feel higher than the losses as a doctor, but with this-- and no one outside of it cares. They go outside and yell about how this is about a fucking election and when it’s not the patients, it’s the hospital pretending they don’t have enough money to buy us proper protection. Or the government saying this will all go away and that it’s just a light cold.”
Alex gives a small nod. “I know. I also know telling you the same advice that you’d give another doctor of trying not to burn out and instead taking a small rest is useless. So I’m just going to drop off these dvd’s and make you report back to me the difference when you’re done.”
Star Trek and Star Wars. Kyle finds a smile tug on his lips. Alex leaves with one on his as well.
When he gives a response to Alex a few days later on how Star Wars is better not more than a few minutes later Deluca is texting him with recommendations on joining her Buffy the Vampire Slayer rewatch. There’s something sweet about the fact that people have been clearly talking about him, even if definitely borderline creepy with how nosy his circle of friends can be, but he sighs and lets Maria add him to the group chat she has with Rosa and Liz where they review each episode after the fact and even chimes in every now and then. Isobel gets added not long after due to an Instagram story Maria shares and then the group has moved onto Friends after everyone shoots down Liz for suggesting Grey’s Anatomy on behalf of Kyle. Alex is also in there, even if it’s rare he chimes in with an opinion, but once they start Friends his commentary about how much he hates Ross that gets the entire group riled up does tend to make him laugh. Even Kyle agrees with Forest-- whose opinion had been shared by Alex-- that Chandler had all too many queer-coded scenes with Joey.
His mother facetimes him daily, which given how they both don’t exactly go out much starts to become monotonous, until she begins to give in and talk about memories she has of their father. Tidbits she never would have shared with him about their adult life when he was a child or teenager. He in turn facetimes Rosa and shares some of the memories of their father as well, which as much as she tries to pretend she doesn’t want for Arturo’s sake she clearly does with the million questions she asks every single time and the small smile she gives him at the end of their calls.
Liz updates him on her work which is a nice reprieve from everyone’s normalcy and lack of medical jargon sometimes, especially when she gives him inside info on covid vaccine studies not yet published to the general public yet. Everything in him wants this more than anything else in the world right now and he texts her almost every day asking if she’s heard more news even when he knows things take time. She’s a good sport about everything, even when he shares in a very angry rant about Max Evans and how they could have helped so many more people so much more quickly with his DNA-- however selfish that might have been.
When he goes back to work, he feels refreshed, even when it makes things hit like a freight train once more. Lost in a sea of inadequacy, his feelings extend past the pandemic. Even when things return to a level of normalcy and the cases subside he gets alien medical drama thrown in his face once more, and he starts to wonder if he’ll ever recover. If he was wrong to choose this calling. If the fact he can’t help Max or Maria is a sign from above or his father that it’s time to make some career move or change location like his mother and Liz. But, like he tells Michael Guerin. He can’t think he can face his future children and say he walked away from this. Or let people die by quitting, just like Rosa warns. And so he stays and tries to heal both other people and himself.
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shotorozu · 3 years
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hellooo, i hope u are doing well! may i request headcanons for izuku and shoto comforting their s/o who's feeling depressed? reader misses their grandma cuz the grandma's birthday is near and reader couldn't visit her? i'm feeling really sad because my grandma's birthday is near but I can't visit her grave because of the pandemic. :(
reader missing her grandma
characters : midoriya izuku, todoroki shouto
fic type : headcanons [comfort, fluff]
legend : [Y/N = your name] gender neutral since it’s not specified, quirk not specific, quarantine au!
notes : im sorry about that :( the pandemic has made things so much harder— and for what? i know how you feel! a loved one died at the very beginning of quarantine, so it was difficult. besides all of that— i hope you stay healthy during these times :)
i don’t know how to title this request so,, sorry :(
≿————- ❈ ————-≾
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midoriya izuku
ever since the lockdown, things have been hard
no one was allowed to leave the height alliance, and all of the activities were put on hold
and because of the pandemic— no one was allowed to see their loved ones, or go out like it was normal
izuku calls his mother practically everyday, but he’s also worried about her bc he can’t see her :(
he was down at first, but eventually— he cheered up
you were doing fine, on the other hand— your attitude was pretty laxed and chill the entire time
considering that the stress of UA’s activities were non existent bc of quarantine.
izuku had no reason to be concerned with you. however— these days, you’ve been off.
around the first day, you’ve been jittery— taking walks around your room
the second day, you would limit your time in the common room to a maximum of 5 minutes
on the third day, you’ve gone radio silent
and because izuku’s dating you— he notices pretty quickly, growing worried by day 1 because of your actions
he visits you, snacks in hand— only to see you buried in a pile of blankets in the dark
“h-hey, Y/N” he speaks out, “m-may i come in.?”
you only look at him, and he takes that as a sign to come in and close the door
“what’s wrong, Y/N?” he asks, slightly nervous when you don’t answer him “you haven’t left your room in a day, have you eaten yet? are you oka—”
“i can’t see my grandmother’s grave.” the sentence itself sounded so.. sad, and izuku just wants to cry seeing you this sad
“i’m sorry, Y/N” he coddles you in his arms, and you only bury your head into his chest
“stupid quarantine,” you sniffle, “i can’t visit her, and it’s her birthday too.”
he holds you in his arms, petting your head as you let a few tears slip— crying into his chest.
izuku can’t really do anything about it, since you guys will surely face some trouble for leaving the house
but, he’ll be there to support you— promising you that the both of you guys can visit as soon as the lockdown’s restrictions die down
but for now, he prompts you with snacks— and a movie to distract you.
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todoroki shouto
he’s sympathetic, and he can feel what you feel
due to quarantine and lockdown, he couldn’t visit his mother and siblings as much as he could.
he’s a little down about it since he was so used to seeing his mother every weekend
but the good side is that he can spend more time with you, since all the activities were put on hold
until the pandemic calms down
shouto is very observant of you, he might be a little dense on why you’re sad
but he’s not oblivious to your feelings
he takes glances at you, and occasional lengthy stares during the day
and he doesn’t like the sad, almost depressing expression on your face
he hates seeing you sad, and he wants to do something about it quick
“what’s wrong love?” he asks you at the end of the day, and you quirk your head to the side
you’re acting like you’re fine, but you’re not tbh
“what??”
“i’m asking you what’s wrong, you haven’t been yourself the entire day.”
fastforward to a few minutes later— and you’re tangled under your sheets, trapped in his warm embrace
“i’m sorry, shou—” you sniffle, clearly about to break
shouto’s only rubbing your back up and down with his hands— hoping that you’d elaborate on your feelings
“my grandmother’s birthday is today, and i can’t visit her grave because of the stupid pandemic.” this is when you finally crack, allowing a few tears to slip
he listens to you speak while wiping your tears, allowing you to get everything out of your system as you rant to him
shouto really sympathizes with you! he can’t visit his mom because of this stupid pandemi, but— he has you! having you is enough for him to ride this storm
“i’m sorry, love.” he kisses your temple, cooling your damp cheek with his left hand. “i know it’s hard, it must be. the pandemic will make it difficult to visit her.”
“i know, shou,”
“—but,” he continues
you blink up at him, wiping your face as you’ve stopped crying “what?”
“we can sneak out.” he says, in his very monotone voice— “it’s possible.”
you giggle, “shou, we can get in trouble.”
“not if we’re careful.”
unlike midoriya— he actually suggests to sneak out just because he can, like.. what’s stopping him from making you feel better and happy?
his words work wonders, and they unintentionally make you feel better
(and that’s just the power of shouto.)
the next day, y’all sneak out undetected, hand in hand with shouto— since he wants to pay respects
and of course with face masks and everything.
≿————- ❈ ————-≾
likes and reblogs are appreciated, thanks for reading!
i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters. boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei. i only own the writing
do not plagiarize my work :))
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mlqcconfessions · 3 years
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hi! can i request the guys realising they’re in love with you/mc? how would they react to it and when would the realisation happen? just something a lil cute for the quarantine ✨
SUGAR SWEET not really, this got really dark
Warning: Backstory spoilers (with some alterations!)
MLQC Headcanon - When I First Realized
Victor
He still remembers the day when you first walked into his office
He hadn’t thought much of this new producer (just that she seemed like a dummy)
A few more meetings with you, and he realized that his initial impression of you was wrong (something that doesn’t happen often)
You didn’t seem like a dummy, you were a dummy
He’s never seen someone so all over the place, barely able to collect herself sometimes
At one point, he found himself almost looking forward to your visitations
As a CEO, he’s learned to control his emotions quite early on in his life
He forbid himself from showing any weaknesses (but he knows everyone else’s?)
So when he realized he was acting like a human being abnormal, he became irritated
He assigned more tasks, and required more proposals from you
By giving you more work, he eventually gave himself a chance to divert away from you (drowning in paperwork meant distracting his mind)
But for some reason, he just couldn’t seem to forget you
Maybe it’s the way you act tough
Maybe it’s how you avoid his eyes, but glare at him when you think he’s not looking (Victor knows everything)
Or maybe it’s your smile, and how you never show that in front of him
So he started wondering, what could he do to make you not so afraid of him?
As he got lost in his thoughts, his eyes gravitated to the pile of papers on his desk (he hasn’t so much touched those yet)
“Huh, unbelievable” (he then quickly passed off any interferences with his work)
A considerable amount of time has gone, and he’s escaping an abandoned building with you
He can feel the tension in the air, as the currents electrify his surroundings
Victor looks over to you, weary and frail from constant running, and clenches his fists
Whoever is behind this, they’re aiming for you
Before he could think of a plan of action, he suddenly catches you as you leap out in front of him (you’re writhing with pain as the bolt lashes against your back)
In his arms, you’re there, limp without consciousness, unaware of the turmoil inside his heart
He thinks back to when he was just a boy, and that brave girl who jumped to save his life (he had made it his lifelong goal to find her, but to no avail)
Now he knows it was you all this time, and he won’t let anyone hurt you ever again
Even if he has to break through time.
Kiro
He was a celebrity for as long as he can remember (one of the most popular child stars of his day!)
But it’s not like he desired to be in the spotlight for fame
He needed to find her (and that was his mission since the start)
“For you, I’ll reach even greater heights”
This was the only way he could possibly search the entire city to find her
By stranding himself in the public eye
He has never forgotten about her (she was on his mind everyday)
Whether he wants to or not, flashbacks of the experiment table run across his mind
He can picture the little girl next to him, seeming to be about his age, her eyes closed into a peaceful slumber
The red thread connecting the two of them continued to circulate, and he was forced to watch it all
If only he could rip out the needles binding him and escape this orphanage with her (he eyed the room for any possible routes)
She was so close to him, yet unreachable
He tried to grab hold of her hand, so as to stop this nightmare from consuming her
But one of the masked figures noticed his activity, and nonchalantly increased his dosage
The boy tried so hard to keep his eyes open, to fight back, but what power did he have?
He was only five
Many years passed, and Kiro returned to Loveland to boost his career as a superstar
He was now known as everyone’s sunshine, radiating with bright energy and beauty
Friendly with all, it’s not difficult to disclose your personal information with him (but no one really knows the darkest parts of the sun’s shadows)
Even now, he was still trying to find her
She must be around my age (but how would he know what she looked like now?)
With doubts in his mind, he takes a walk in his disguise to momentarily hide from the flashes of cameras
There was no destination in mind, just a desperation to be somewhere
He felt lost in this world where everyone knew who he was (but who would be able to rescue me?)
His eyes drift towards a supermarket, with a young lady stationed near the chips aisle
She should be around her age, maybe the height too?
As he walks past the store, he got a good look at her face (his heart nearly stopped beating)
Although the features were more mature compared to his memories, it was still the same shining smile as the little girl’s
How could he ever forget that smile? (the sole ray of light that shone on him in the darkness)
Without hesitation, he marches towards the market, nearly slamming into the automatic doors
He grabs the bag of chips she was reaching for, in hopes of getting her attention (in a relatively gentle way)
As she was about to yell his name, he quickly covered her mouth, allowing him to look clearly into her eyes
Ah....it was really her
“Shhh...I don’t wanna get noticed”
Lucien
In his world, everything was ordinary
Bland, boring, and lifeless
It has been this way for as long as he can remember, and he’s grown accustomed to this lifestyle
There was nothing he could do about it, nor did he want to waste efforts trying
It was easier to ignore the impossible, and focus on more important matters at hand (and this continued for years)
He had heard that a producer from a company was looking for him, and that she should be arriving any minute now
He had no plans to involve himself with television, so he decided to politely decline the offer to join her
Lucien wandered around his office, organizing his desk to welcome the unwanted visitor
He looked at his bookshelf, colored with a dull grey all around
It wasn’t anything new, just a little depressing at times
He noticed a butterfly floating past his windows (colorless like everything else in his sight)
Then he saw her, the visitor
Suddenly his eyes began to burn (his muscles started pulsing at the temples)
Why....
There was no explanation that he could think of
He trusted his eyes enough to know that this was not a dream, yet can he see color?
What makes her so different?
His original plan was to refuse her offer at the door, but instead took out his china set and began to brew some tea
Meanwhile, you arrive at the floor Professor Lucien should be on (you ask around, but no one knows where he is)
You ask a younger-looking gentleman, who leads you to an office a few doors down
You enter cautiously, but the professor is nowhere to be seen
As you’re about to leave, the gentleman pushes a cup towards you (it’s steaming with freshly poured tea)
As she grabs the cup, her touch reveals its true colors, never-before-seen
It puts a smile on his face at the sight of the extravagant change
....how beautiful
“Um, do you know when Professor Lucien will be returning?”
“I can go ask the researcher next door, if you’d like”
“Oh, that would be great!”
He can’t help but let out a chuckle as he calls his colleague next door, to which she replies with absurdity
“What are you talking about, Lucien?” (he can’t help but feel amused at the producer’s shocked expression)
He peers curiously into her blushing face, his first time seeing such a flattering hue
Gavin
He wasn’t always sure about when he first fell in love with you
He just knows that he did
At one point, you were the only thing on his mind
“Bro, you’re in love with her!”
Despite Minor’s annoyed words, he just couldn’t understand (love? what a joke)
He was sure that this wasn’t love, just a fleeting spark of a moment’s interest
He shielded you from the rain with his umbrella, but it’s not love
He stared at the picture of you in the school newspaper for hours (Minor had to take it away from his hands), but it’s not love 
He goes to your every recital (on the roof so you don’t notice him), but it’s not love
No matter which way he looked at it, he WAS NOT in love with you (Minor is slamming his head into the table)
But looking back, he does have an idea as to when this interest started
It was late spring, just on the border to becoming autumn
He was starting to lose conscious, surrounded by knife-bearers
Gavin was cornered on the school roof, blood flowing out at a dangerous rate
Then, he heard a soft melody encompassing the air around him (piano...?)
As he tried to locate where the sound was coming from, one of the gang members pushed him off the edge
His world spun around as he outreached his arms, desperately trying to grab onto anything available
Nothing.
All energy left his body, reverting him to a corpse (maybe my next life wouldn’t be so bad....)
Suddenly a heavy, rapid, surging melody sounded (taken from Campus Date!)
Gavin’s life flashed before his eyes, and the next thing he saw was the entire city beneath his floating feet
“....! What...is this..?”
While he was trying to collect himself, the roaring notes of the piano continued, as if they were in agreement with his adrenaline rush
He quickly regained control, letting the booming wind merge with this foreign power inside him
He gravitated towards the window, where the school’s music room was located
His ears soon landed on a beautiful voice, accompanied by the rhythmic taps of the keys (it was her!)
He still wasn’t sure how this Evol awakened inside of him, and is still wondering if this was love, but one thing’s certain:
He, for all eternity, would dedicate his life to protecting her (cue the Minor squeals!)
Shaw
He never thought of himself as a stationary being
Too much of a hassle
With his skateboard, he cruises around the city at his own pace, looking for any amusements in the area
Unable to find anything worth pursuing, he returns to his alleyway to finish the graffiti piece he was working on earlier
He recalls the time when he briefly met his brother, at the airport a while back
He laughs just thinking about that moment (he’s never seen his brother so furious)
Come to think of it, he was protecting a girl that day
Determined to make his day fun, he decides to go find her himself
You waited in the bus, hoping that your precognition doesn’t come true
“If we just get past this block, it’ll be fine”
You’re almost sent out of your seat as the driver brakes at the bus stop, one before your destination
A tall guy, occupied with his headphones, steps in
Shaw immediately is able to spot her, and promptly places himself in the seat next to her
The bus was nearly empty, yet he chose to sit next to you instead (just why..?)
As for why he sat there, Shaw couldn’t think of a reason either
He simply thought whatever happens next might be fun
He glanced over at the girl, who fidgeted nervously next to him
He cracked a silent smirk as he adjusted his headphones (he could feel her gaze on him)
“Wanna listen?”
“N-no..”
You couldn’t get your head around this guy, and exactly what he was planning
But you had your own problems to worry about, and it arrived much sooner than expected
Shaw noticed the girl was clutching onto her dress tightly, and glanced at her face
She looked like she was in pain for some reason, but there was nothing he could do to help (Do I wanna help in the first place?)
He jolted as she suddenly got up and yelled for the driver to stop the bus
The driver, of course, passed her pleas off (the bus wasn’t at the stop yet, anyways)
He inquisitively looked at his surroundings
There was nothing off, which means there was no reason for her to get so panicky
He became very interested in what she was going to do next, so he willingly gave her a hand
In the blink of an eye, the sky became dark and rain started to pour outside
Your eyes go wide at this unusual happening, but waste no time in rushing out the door (the driver gave up on running the bus in this weather)
He discreetly follows the girl as she runs towards the crosswalk
He’s a little taken back as she plops down on the cement, a sigh of relief across her expression
Without saying anything, he hands her a transparent umbrella (he tries hard to not laugh at her conflicted face)
“You’re welcome”
He decides not to ask her what that was all about
He could sense that they will be meeting again in the future soon
WOWZERS. This took me a lot longer to complete than expected.... (it’s so long!!!!) I did alter some details, just to fit what I want more.
I guess I took this a different route than what the request was, so I hope anon who submitted this is okay with it
I went for a more “when was an important turning point in their relationship” compared to “when did they fall in love” (because I think it captures the essence of the game better)
Hope you enjoyed. I’m now going to cry at all the hurt ;_;
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dimonds456 · 4 years
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What was “A Picture Perfect Hollywood Heartbreak” Really About?
What was Zach Callison’s A Picture Perfect Hollywood Heartbreak really about?
Hey all you people out there! How are you surviving quarantine? I had a bunch of spare time, and so I decided to write an essay that focuses on Zach Callison’s album, A Picture Perfect Hollywood Heartbreak. The album has been out for a while, but most people either only know Interlude IV or are really confused about the story it tells. I think I’ve finally got an answer, and I wanted to share it with you all.
If you’re only here to better understand Interlude IV, you can skip down there if you want, but you’ll still be pretty confused. Besides, you should listen to the rest of the album. The whole thing bops. 
Personal favorite song is Phantom Love, but I’m pretty sure no one cares about that.
Anyways, on to the show! One song at a time, in order.
WARNING: REALLY, REALLY LONG POST UNDER THE CUT!!
Phantom Love
Phantom Love sets up the whole story for us. Juanita is Zach’s old GF, who appears to only have dated him so she could get ideas for a music album she was writing. However, she had no ideas and/or is a masochist, and so wanted to get Zach to either break up with her, do something horrible to her, or just create drama in general she could write about. Whatever happens happens, and she is successful. 
Juanita seems to be suffering from some form of depression, but whether that’s actually the case or she, again, just wanted something to write about is up for debate. But either way, it’s hinted at several times that she slit her wrists and other self-harm-inducing activities. 
Many people follow her- she seems to be popular enough (which makes sense, due to the album being about two celebrities dating each other, just like Zach’s irl relationship). However, she has two different faces- her showbiz the-cameras-are-on face and her real face. Zach seems to have the same thing, as hinted at in She Don’t Know, but we’re not there yet. Point is, Juanita used Zach to try and get a tragedy out of the whole deal.
It was a phantom love- it never existed. 
“Made me promise I would never break your heart
How was I to know that’s what you wanted from the start?”
Both people got into Hollywood from a young age and grew up with it, and so were surrounded by drama constantly. This takes a toll on Zach, but he tries to deal with it whereas Juanita actively wants to partake in it. She causes drama- little triggers to get him to snap- until one day, he does.
Interlude I - Frantically
This one is pretty straight-forward. After the two break up, it’s the perfect excuse for Juanita to start spreading rumors and stirring tension. She’s quick to make Zach out to be the bad guy, when in actuality, he was the one who was being loyal in their relationship.
We’re clued in that these rumors aren’t true from one line: “I heard he got fired from that cartoon he does. (Nooo wayyy…)” We, as the audience, know for a fact he didn’t, but things get shaky as we realize that some of them are also true. 
“I heard he does coke now and, like, screams a lot.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
[laughter]
Zach overhears them talking about them and runs away, going off somewhere to be alone. Once he’s alone, we get the disturbing audio of him sniffing some drugs, implying that he actually does, indeed, do coke.
DISCLAIMER: Irl Zach Callison did NOT turn to drugs! It’s a metaphor for how many people he knows who have decided to do so, and so he;s aware of what it does to one’s mind. Don’t worry; Zach is okay in that department.
She Don't Know
After gaining the following knowledge, this song is easier to understand. Zach really did love Juanita, and he misses her, even though he knows at this point that she used and abused him. 
“There ain’t no drug in all the world like loving you
Cocaine and cigarettes will have to do
Won’t somebody save me? My heart’s beating outta m’ chest
I just wanna hold you with those hands I once possessed.”
Juanita isn’t aware of the effect she had on him, and he laments this quite strongly (hence the title). Once she had her heartbreak, she ran off, leaving a broken lover behind. 
Trigger warning: there are hints of suicidal thoughts in this song. They get more prominent as the album goes on, which becomes important later. This is where we really start seeing them, though.
“F***ed up on my bedroom floor
And my first thought’s ‘let’s do some more’
They say it all kills for thrills
And I hope it does!
Can you hear me, love?”
He speaks about “where did I go” later on, meaning that he is losing himself/doesn’t feel like himself. He still wants to be with her, and her absence has utterly destroyed him. He’s still in love with her, and wants her to know that. However, Juanita doesn’t give a bat of the eye in his direction, only caring that she now had the material she needed to write her album.
Interlude II - Christie Only Knows
Here, we are introduced to Zach’s make-believe sister, Christie. Only she is aware that he is going through this, and we find out quickly that she isn’t supportive.
“It’s getting late now, but to me, it’s just beginning
‘Cuz life’s tearing me to pieces and I know I’ve been defeated
Oh, no
And Christie only knows.
Never seen someone like this before
An eight-ball power on the floor
And I’m staring at the ceiling 
Wondering if the reaper’s close
But Christie only knows
That there ain’t no drug in all the world like being you
\Glory on the silver screen just had to do
Won’t somebody save me? I am screaming out of breath
And my shadow, he’s holding a gun…
With those hands that I once possessed…”
This is the only time I’ll put all the lyrics in here, I swear. However, this one is important as it paves the way to Nightmare, bridging the gap between the two moods. She Don’t Know is angry, stressed, unsure, and frustrated, whereas Nightmare is just… depression. Interlude II is the middle ground, showing us that once Zach got all that off his chest, he feels… numb. He doesn’t know what to do. 
Now, who exactly is Christie? I don’t think she really exists, in the context of the album, that is. I believe that Christie is someone he’s hallucinating, an embodiment of all his most negative thoughts, sugarcoated into something pretty and worth listening to. We’ll explore her character later on in Interlude IV - Showtime, but for now, what you need to know is that his suicidal thoughts are getting more and more intense now that she’s here.
A sister is someone who you’re bonded to, whether it be in blood, relationship, or cause. In this case, I think it’s more relationship. She is telling him to let go, to accept that things are this way and won’t get better. It’d be easier to end it. And Zach is listening to her. We know this because of the line “And my shadow, he’s holding a gun with those hands that I once possessed…” He is seriously thinking about it, and the fact that it’s his shadow shows that the thought is always in the back of his mind. The same thoughts that led him to love Juanita are now ready to kill him- those same, once-steady hands he used to hold her with. And he’s done. He’s holding on by a thread.
Nightmare
This song is told in the 3rd person as Zach really explains what he’s been going through each and every day that lead him to this fateful decision to end it. He is done. He’s decided it. 
Every day, he cries. He hates himself, he hates looking at himself, he hates all of it. 
“Prosecutor at his own trial, 
The floor below him becomes so fertile 
by his very own vile, Nile, and exile source 
By the pitter-patter of his tears on the bathroom tile… 
...you’re nothing more than your feelings 
from your floors to your ceilings 
and out the all-bloodshot ocular faucets… 
Boy vs brain, white noise vs the sane, 
always vs the same, cries for help exclaim 
that he’s beyond repair. He’ll swear, he’ll despair, he’ll stare 
straight ahead in the mirror at the source of his waking nightmare.”
There’s an instrumental break, during which he says “Are you writing this down, Christie? Yeah…” This shows that he’s lamenting to himself, as again, Christie doesn’t really exist. He’s venting to her, jotting down everything that’s wrong with him.
This tells me that he’s writing a note. He is telling someone where he’s going and why he did what he’s about to do. Remember, Christie is in Zach’s head, and so if she is writing this down, that means that Zach is writing this down. His worst, most negative thoughts are writing all this down, showing him that this was the right decision. This will end all his suffering, and whoever reads the note will understand and be happy for him. This was his solution.
“He’s standing on a bluff overlooking the city
The city’s biggest bluff is making itself look so pretty
He tells himself to be tough, isolated and gritty
But gritty’s kinda hard when his brain’s run by committee”
This is how he decides to die. Now with a gunshot like Interlude II hinted at. He is willing to jump for it.
Look at the album cover. Did he go for it? I don’t think so, but we’ll get to that.
The song concludes with him saying this:
“So who do I speak of and why is he grey?
He rejects all his love, see the prices he pays
To his vices he caves, in a crisis of fates
No tragic history, only a mystery 
So I say to you, ‘who?’
Why don't’cha tell me?”
This is him confirming to us, the audience, that this is Zach’s character speaking about himself. He’s been hinting and clueing at us to this song all along, and now he is making sure that we know what’s going on in his head. He’s ready to end it. 
His love for Juanita broke his heart so severely that it left him broken and bruised beyond repair. And if you can’t fix it, it’s time to throw it away.
So he heads back out to the bluff to jump.
Interlude III - Second Thoughts
He’s standing on a bluff overlooking the city. The bluff’s height is making itself not so pretty. Is this being tough? Or just being petty? But petty’s not likely, it’s a selfish, single entity…
Doe she really want to do this? Looking down, Zach thinks about what made him come here. The drugs? They’re messing him up. He’s aware of it, he’s been aware of it. Would jumping be giving in to their influence? Or Juanita’s? 
“We put his record on until he’s bleeding on the needle
And he’s weeping in the street
Cut down on his curtain call
That’s where he’s gonna sleep.”
Standing on top of the bluff now, he looks down onto the road. He can see that there is where he could die, but he’s suddenly not so sure. The idea just slammed into him, reality slapping him in the face. “Do you really want to do this?” 
“Take aim with these hands he once possessed
A dozen roses on the pavement laid the rest
Oh, my dear sister Christie, will I feel some remorse?
She says ‘no, pull the trigger, ‘cuz he’s left us no recourse.
His brain has a sickness, so kill it at the source.’”
He steps closer. He can see, in his mind, the image of his dead body lying on the road, forever resting. But, was that the right call? To just throw in the towel like that? So, in true metaphorical fashion, he turns and asks Christie. His inner demons. They’ve been straight with him before, right? And, of course, they say “yes, go for it.”
But Zach still isn’t sure.
I believe he backs off for now, leading the way to Curtain Call.
Curtain Call
This is where it really starts to get difficult when it comes to dissecting this album, and from here on out, I guarantee that I got things wrong. However, stay with me, because I’m open to and want to discuss what everyone else thinks it all could mean. I’m going to share my ideas, and if you have a better one, tell me and I can either agree or argue it with you. Point is, like English class (in high school), if you have the evidence to back it up, you’re not wrong. Let’s have a serious discussion about this.
On with the show! Now, it appears as though Zach is arguing with himself in this one, one wanting to show people that he’s hurt so he can get help- the side that wants to live- but on the other hand, his other half knows that there’s nothing they can do if he does. He’d just weigh them all down. Because all of him agrees that he’s useless and hopeless. 
He sends up a prayer (I think Zach is Christian, so this makes sense), asking for, basically, karma of some kind. He’s done feeling this way, and wants it to stop. So he asks for “some price to pay,” hoping that there’s a solution, but knowing that the solution isn’t going to be handed to him on a silver platter. He’d need to work to get better, and this is him saying that he’s willing to do that. He WANTS to live, but he’s just not sure he can anymore. And that’s his main argument. Can he do this? Was it even worth it?
Obviously, with Zach being a famous actor (both irl and in the album), he has a double life. One is bringing joy to others, while the other is a constant internal struggle. The world is a stage, and at this point, Zach is basically admitting- through metaphors- that he has been acting. Pretending. 
Consider this lyric, put there- side by side- very intentionally:
“I find that I’m anything but fine.
No, I’m okay. Oh please just look away!”
It’s all a mask. And it’s one he’s tired of wearing. Notice how tired he sounds when he sings those lines. He’s done. He’s been done.
“Bourbon to kill my pain
Curtains to hold my shame
No, they can’t look away
Cannot contain my rage…”
These lines are telling us that people around Zach have started to notice that he’s off, but he wants to believe that he’s okay, that he’ll be okay. So he continues his career (“curtains to hold my shame”), even though it’s hurting him to do so at that point. And people are starting to notice. And that’s making him frustrated. At himself. At them. He’s tired. Let him rest. He just wants to rest and forget. Bourbon, alcohol, kill the pain. Make it go away so they can’t see. But they already see. The mask is old and withering in decay.
Towards the end, Zach’s voice becomes more echoey and distant (discluding the Italian that I have no hope of understanding, which is why I’ve yet to mention it). This shows that he’s distancing himself, running away, if you will.
Running back to the bluff.
And this time, he jumps.
Interlude IV - Showtime
Okay, meme time. This is the one everyone knows. However, we are not going to be talking about a Connverse fight that honestly makes no sense given the limited context of the song (as cool as those animatics are). We will be talking about, however, Zach facing and challenging his inner demons. Christie does not exist. Why should she rule over his life?
Let’s break this one down, since this one is the hardest to fit into the story.
He jumps, but survives the fall. Maybe dazed, maybe broken. Maybe it was just a dream. Maybe this song IS the dream. We can’t be sure. Everything is metaphorical in this one. Perhaps he didn’t jump at all. We can’t be sure.
Christie congratulates him. She tells him that he’s free. He did the right thing, and now it was just the two of them. They could do whatever they wanted without feeling so weighed down!
Zach disagrees, coming to a realization.
He jumped. Christie had said that it’d make everything okay again, that it’d be bliss. Well, he jumped, and it wasn’t. It was worse. He felt anger and fear, and this leads him to finally, for once, counter her. 
“The world is ours!”
“No it isn’t.”
“Get in the car.”
“This isn’t finished.”
“...What?”
She’s shocked that Zach openly argues with her, and as their bickering goes on (which I’m sure a lot of you reading this can hear perfectly in your heads, so I won’t write the exact lyrics down), Zach gains more confidence. He accuses her of murdering him. “And they’ll all think that it was suicide, but Christie, I know that it was you inside.” Remember, she’s not real and therefore didn’t really “kill” him, but he blames her as he allowed her to control and manipulate him. 
Christie is shocked, stating that everything she did, she did to comfort him. ”I saved him! I held him ‘til the moment he [Zach’s “innocence”] died!”) However, Zach realizes what she really is now, and decides that enough is enough. (“You choked him out of his goddamn mind! Promised the world to him, a goddamn lie!”) He knows what she is, and won’t let himself be manipulated by her again. 
Now, the whole time, they’re talking about someone who is dead. Who is that someone? Zach. However, it’s all a metaphor. When Zach jumped, a part of him died. The last of his humanity? His sanity? I think his “innocence,” which I say in quotes because I’m sure there’s a better word for it out there somewhere. He’s done being blind to the truth, blindly following Christie around. The part of him that was naive enough to do that, to listen to her influence and complain about the world, is gone. He’s dead.
And that means Zach isn’t taking anymore s***. 
C: “I won’t help you take [Juanita] down.”
Z: “Fine. I’LL DO IT BY MYSELF!”
C: “You don’t need it!”
Z: “Oh, I know that I need it.”
C: “She’s been gone for years, I know you can beat it!”
Z: “Oh, look in the mirror, you know we both fear her…
But you let me kill him, you’re WORSE than Juanita!”
Juanita herself never killed him. She never physically harmed him, not in any way that counts here. However, Christie did. She pushed and pushed him, taking a fragile boy and breaking him even more. Zach is now his own worst enemy, not Juanita, and this is him realizing it. But he doesn’t want to be his own enemy.
C: “I won’t help you take her down.”
Christie doesn’t want Zach to face her, because she knows that that would be him really facing his demons and starting down the path to healing. Juanita is Zach’s biggest obstacle, aside from himself. He has to face himself first, and that’s why this song is so powerful. Zach is taking a step back and realizing what he has to do, who he is, and why things are like this.
Z: “Oh, look in the mirror, you know we both fear her. 
We’re one and the same, we’re afraid to be near her!”
There’s that mirror metaphor again, except that he’s not looking at himself with hatred; he’s looking at himself with understanding (and a side of hatred). He’s ready to face her. He’s ready to get everything to stop.
“1, 2, 3, 4
Is this what love is really for? 
Is this all I get for being yours?
The kid in front of me in blood and gore?”
The kid is, again, Zach’s “innocence.” He understands, he’s ready to not only move on, but also confront her.
5, 6, 7, 8
Years left to waste for all I hate
They’ll all know Juanita’s fate!
Show’s about to start; don’t be late.”
He knows that it’s going to be a showdown, a big, epic throw down. And Christie isn’t coming with him. He’s leaving her behind. He’s leaving his demons behind, breaking free from them and moving on.
War!
The ultimate throw down begins!
“A wise man once said, ‘time is money’
So how much money did I lose to you, honey?
Find it kinda funny you wanna keep this feud runnin’
But I’m glad I’m on your mind, keep that canon fire coming, woah!”
This is 100% a diss track. Zach confronts Juanita in front of a lot of her friends (we hear multiple girls go “huh?” as they realize that Zach’s here and he’s ANGRY), and immediately starts in. No introductions, no “hey it’s nice to see you again”s, nothing. He’s here to make a statement, and he’s gonna do so.
He realizes Juanita for who she is now, and she has done so many horrible things to him. Spreading rumors and lies to ruin his life, after dating him just to get a story to write about. He’s sick of it and done. He calls her out, and it’s important that he does this in front of other people so they see what she’s really done. He’s hurt, he’s been hurt, and it’s because of Juanita, this amazing person a lot of people looked up to and liked (“I know, Juanita deserves so much more [Interlude I]”. “Step inside the life of the men weak enough to follow you [Phantom Love]). 
Juanita also appears to be dating someone else by this time. This is really important, because now due to context clues we got from before, the only reason Juanita dates is to get a heartbreak out of it so she can have the motivation and drive to write her own album. That’s why she dated Zach. So, if she’s dating again, that means she either lost the motivation and drive again, or she never had it in the first place since it wasn’t a real love between them. She didn’t truly experience a heartbreak at all. This is further backed up by the claim that “we’ve been waiting on your album for ages, no traces, and baby, we’ve already run out of patience!” She’s only dating to get that experience again.
This means that, at least in Zach’s eyes, she hasn’t changed. “To your new boy, let he be warned: you’re her new toy for blood and gore! What, you didn’t know?” She is going to destroy him emotionally, and he’s going to go down the same path as Zach, ending in death- blood on the pavement. The gore part is to emphasize how horrific the whole ordeal was.
“Sit down with me and sign this armistice
Get your big proboscis outta my s***, miss”
A proboscis is the butterfly equivalent of a tongue. They use it for sucking nectar out of flowers. So, what he’s saying here is that they need to settle this between them (“sign this armistice”), and that she needs to mind her own business. By her talking about Zach like that, she ruined his life and he’s sick of it. She literally sucked the joy out of him like nectar. 
“Welcome to the new me!
Paint your nails black and unscrew me
But that’s okay, Juanita
Know my business is booming”
His business is a reference to his own album, the very one you’re listening to. His music career took off now because of her and the fact that she broke his heart, not the other way around. Juanita can never understand that because she “only loves to be broken [Phantom Love].” 
“That’s alright, that’s okay!
You barely wrote them anyway
Half your songs got thrown away
Like ballets on voting day
All my ballads had more to say
Like a bullet through a motorcade”
In a twist, Zach got the story Juanita had wanted. He experienced a heartbreak, while she never really did. So he writes an album instead of her. It’s a cool kind of karma that Zach- or, at least, his character- can’t resist. 
The whole song ends with him forcing her/her friends to sing along with him, repeating her name, then yelling. She screams, and it cuts out. 
I think he’s lost his sanity (or again, his “innocence”) here. He gets carried away, and either attacks her or makes like he’s about to. I think he makes like he’s about to, but stops. This is the final song; if Zach killed her, there would more than likely be another song depicting the consequences and an Interlude V to show the aftermath of the incident. But because he stopped himself, he’s satisfied. Juanita learned her lesson, Zach got everything off his chest, and the people around them know the truth. 
That’s all he’s wanted for longer than we can possibly know.
Final Observations
Zach Callison has gone on record to say that “Juanita” has finally published an album of her own, but that happened months later. I don’t have any specific dates for anything, though. No one knows who the real-life “Juanita” is, which in my opinion, is noble of Zach. He had a lot of anger to get out, but unlike her, he wasn’t going to ruin her life to try and get something out there. He can make a statement without ruining someone else along the way.
With that knowledge, let us all stand and clap for this man.
Not only is the album just a really good listen, but each song tells a cohesive story. The tones each song sets, as well as the far under-appreciated interludes (or over-appreciated in terms of Showtime), really shows how his emotional state changes. Phantom Love is a lament, She Don’t Know is a classic “I’m sad bc my gf broke up with me :(“ which is how Zach perceives that incident at that point in time, whereas Nightmare is him falling into depression stronger than anything he’s ever felt before. Curtain Call is him arguing with himself about whether or not he should even live anymore, and it all comes back around with the upbeat, heavy-rock literal song of War!. The interludes take the tone of the next song and combine it with the lyrics of the previous to show that smooth transition between emotions as he grapples with his mental state, the only exception really being Interlude I, as it has an overall bouncy tone to it.
Zach not only made every single song enjoyable, but also unique and heartfelt. Just listen to how his voice shakes during Christie Only Knows. He is genuinely upset and lost, and because of this, he’s better able to convey the HUGE emotion dump that was his album.
Do I recommend it? Yes. I think there’s something in there for everyone, even if you only enjoy one of the songs. However, doing a review is going to be an entire post in and of itself.
Thanks for reading, guys. Now go listen to the album and tell me your thoughts. Does my explanation make sense? Do you have a better idea? Let me know. I want to have a real discussion about it with other people who have listened to the whole thing, not just Interlude IV.
If you haven’t listened to it yet, it’s on YouTube and ITunes. Do yourself a favor and check it out. The whole thing is ~45 minutes long.
Have a link to the playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_n1rA_1uUBtxoATot0ixiTgvdEHhj3lAn4
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nope4ever · 3 years
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Get To Know Me!
@s1utspeare tagged me in this ask game and I'm going to do it because they are gentle and nice and I love their writing so much you don't even know. If you haven't read their work, go to AO3 RIGhT NOW
name: Nope (that works for so many form boxes, it's the best) pronouns: she/her star sign: Libra, but I'm also an Ox height: I tried measuring but my tape ran out at 152. I think somewhere around 163ish, it changes all the time time: 13:26 birthday: Oct 3
nationality: Canadian
fave bands/groups/solo artists: I'm going to say Queen, but that's because they imprinted on me before I was born and it hasn't changed since. I've met lots of musicians and seen lots of bands, and there is something intrinsically great about music as a culture, but none have ever dug as deep inside of me as the warm safe place that Queen lives.
song stuck in your head: There is always a song stuck in my head. Always. Sometimes there are more than one, all clanging around in there in a massive cacophony. Right now it's Me Want Bite *shrug* and this beauty by Huang Xiaomiao They're both playing at the same time though, so it's not the best
last movie you watched: Space Sweepers! I really wanted to like it so much! Everyone had such passionate opinions and I LOVE SPACE but it was a miss for me. Too much punching and blood and angst. Should have been right up my alley with the found family, but the emotional pay-off came too late. I'm sorry space robot 😭
last show you binged: I guess Mystic Nine? It took me so long to get through Sha Hai because of the sand and tension that I cannonballed myself through Reboot and then Ultimate note. Afterwards I finally started M9, which I hadn't really wanted to watch because I thought I'd hate the change of generation, but it turns out I loved them ALL it was SO GOOD and I just ate the entire thing up like pavement.
when you created your blog: no idea, but probably 2010 when I made most of my other accounts
the last thing you googled: Qimen dunjia. I'm rewatching parts of tlt2 and they mentioned it dictated the layout of the underwater tomb
other blogs: Nope (see!) I had one of those blogs in 2009 when everyone was writing funny blogs about their lives and it was a great close-knit community for a while. One of the people has made it pretty big, and another comes out of the woodwork every 10 years and drops a book, but the rest of us sort of fizzled into the mist. It was a lot to keep up and the internet has changed too much since then
why i chose my url: ahhhh, there is kind of a long answer to this one. It's actually fairly recent. I've had this tumblr under my real name forever, because for a while that was what you did on the internet and I never got around to doing anything much with it other than look up spoiler GIFs of things. Then last year the country suddenly shut down, and I had to travel to get home and got put in quarantine. It ended up being longer than expected, almost 2 months, so I started watching The Untamed on Netflix. It completely devastated me. Ugly crying over every episode. I have a friend who started watching it a few episodes behind me and she got OBSESSED. Like, we are talking she is still in the CQL pit, with side accounts, churning out content on the DAILY. I branched out into other shows, and fandoms, but she dug in hard. For our birthdays last year, we did a goods and services exchange. I asked her for some design considerations, and made her a custom piece of pottery. She asked me for some story prompts, and wrote me a fic. But, she INSISTED that I make an AO3 account and stop lurking, and start leaving real comments on peoples work. She'd literally just discovered fan fiction FOR THE FIRST TIME and I'd been lurking around there for more than a decade. My username is a continuation of me telling her "No" every time she asked me to come out of the woodwork and be a human person. I am *slowly* doing that here as well. It's... difficult
how many people are you following: no idea
how many followers do you have: not important
average hours of sleep: bluh, If I knew this it would probably make me depressed and there are some things that should remain a mystery, for your sanity if nothing else
lucky numbers: 3, it's 3. 3 is a good number. It's also my birthdate. Someone the other day told me theirs was 4 and I YELPED, because I'm just starting to make the connection between things-I-was-told-as-a-kid to actual words and phrases from mandarin and my brain made the *record scratch* noise (I am not chinese, but my extended family is and I absorbed much more growing up than I'd realized before I started getting into CDramas)
instruments: I've always had this romantic view of playing instruments, but none of the actual dedication. I took piano, guitar, uke, a smidgen of drums. But then, I also did choir, ballet, hip-hop, rhythmic gymnastics, public speaking, musical theatre, Shakespearian acting and kabuki. I like learning things, but it rarely ever climbs inside of me and makes a home
what i'm currently wearing: It's a crapshoot on the colour, but I think these leggings are either dark green or dark grey. Fuzzy socks. Black top. black cardigan with oatmeal coloured skulls. black silk scrunchie on my wrist.
dream job: no. boring. b o r i n g. Why dream of working? That sounds awful. There is one thing I've learned in my life of flitting from flower to flower, it's that the minute you try to monetize something you love you are going to ruin it. This world sucks. Keep some things for yourself, don't let anyone make you turn it into something with a metric, or a deadline, or a paycheck. Don't let stress anywhere near that equation. Now, if you can do something you love outside of lifes necessities, that's the real dream. fuck WORK. LIVE your dreams, don't WORK your dreams.
dream trip: About every 5 years (that's how long it takes to save) I go on what I guess could be called a dream trip. I have a list of all the things I want to do, or places I want to see in the world and I'm slowly knocking them off one by one. The one I'd love is a guided trip through China, because I don't know enough to travel alone. I'm hoping to exchange myself there as part of my grad program, but the world is so unstable right now I might finish before they bring that option back. Technically last year was "The Year", but obviously I wasn't allowed to travel, so I went to school instead. It's a bit hard, because my partner was raised in a small town on an island that he never left for the first 20 years of his life, so travelling makes him wildly uncomfortable. I'm fine by myself though
fave food: *sigh* I don't know. I've really been missing salted egg potato chips. It changes all the time. Maybe xlb's
top three fictional universe you'd like to live in: noooo! Seriously, all fictional universes have something bad in them and I do not need that in my life. I get that you need some conflict to create tension and growth in a story, but in my life??? NO. No thanks! I really enjoy the rules of physics! I don't even know everything about *this* universe yet.
last song: y'all're killing me. Just go listen to Attention by Ulrikke I think I listened to it recently
last stream: Had to think really hard about this for something that wasn't a meeting or class or conference. The last stream I watched was an actor playing the ghost of Francis Rattenbury live at the British Colombia Provincial Legislature buildings on Halloween. It was interactive, but he didn't talk about the part where he publicly cheated on his wife, left her, then his new wife cheated on HIM with the footboy, and they both murdered him with a mallet. Disappointing
currently reading: fics. FICS FICS FICS FICS FICS books never have font big enough and are TOO LONG
currently watching: The Lost Tomb 2. Cheng Yi is so good
what is antipoetry to you: There's always got to be someone that thinks what they do is so different from the norm that it deserves it's own name. *shrug* It's all kind of *waves hands* performative. Art in general is full of such drama and ego, it's exhausting. Poetry though, amazing. There is something about poetry and prose that elevates it above normal words, ascending thought to the pantheon of song. I have snippets and fragments of poetry I heard decades ago still sliding around my head like I'm nothing more than an overstuffed junk drawer.
currently craving: I WANT A SANDWICH. I haven't had toast for 5 months and somehow I'm desperate for a toasted sandwich. I keep getting distracted in the morning and forgetting to start bread. It is a PROBLEM
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dirus-works · 2 years
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Ok, I know I'm not the only one, but did any of you just feel like you can't live whitout a dog?
Like, when I was eight and my sister five, we got a Boxer (my mom had dogs all her life, but it was a first for my dad).
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His name was Ulysse, and we had him for 8 years before he got an cardiac arrest (his third one, he just didn't make it). It was horrible, because it happened like, a day before the quarantine and three before my birthday. It took us six months to just deal with the trauma of his sudden death, and we could feel his absence, how it was impossible living without him coming seeing us when we got home.
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Then, almost seven months after his death, we got a new dog, a mix between a white Labrador and a white Golden retriever, her name was Ruby.
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I was on the verge of depression, and she really helped me during the pandemic. She was so happy, but not over exited, unlike Ulysse. We had her for eleven month before she got a kidney failure and we had to euthanize her, it was horrible. It was two months ago, and two days before I started college.
It was harder than Ulysse, the absence. Really, I don't know how it was possible, because Ulysse was like my brother and Ruby more like a best friend, but I was harder to deal with her absence...
We couldn't cope, and my father was clear : we wouldn't get a new dog. He had Ulysse for years, and they were supposed to have Ruby for, at leat, six years, and losing her that soon broke his heart.
Still, we couldn't live with the absence, so my mom started looking for new dog (she never had a Labrador before Ruby, this time she wanted a Lab.) And then we found Aslan.
My dad wasn't sure at first. He was "happy" not having a new dog, protecting himself from a new heartbreak, but my mom talked to him, and he agreed. So now we have a six months old Puppy labrador already the height of his mother, so he'll be big.
This is him right now (I can't got to the bathroom without him whimpering because he can't come with me omg):
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And, I don't really know how to feel with this feeling. Because, the day we lost Ruby, I was ready to get a new dog. I can't live without one, and I don't now why.
So, if anyone can help me, or just feel the same about their pets, share your thoughts !
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dknc3 · 3 years
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So . . . Hi, Tumblr. 
All evidence to the contrary, I have not fallen off the face of the earth. 2020 has been rather shitty to the DKNC household--a refrain certainly not limited to me and mine, but shared around the world.
My family has had a bit of turmoil, but we seem to be at least starting to come out on the other side. Physically, we are all healthy, and that’s a blessing. Mentally and emotionally, several of us have taken a bit of a beating, but we are very much sticking together and supporting each other (even if the enforced continual closeness during the height of the quarantine sometimes led to a desire for a bit less closeness, LOL!), and that is another blessing.
My children, of course, are no longer children. Their lives are their own and their struggles are adult struggles so I don’t feel comfortable posting their business on a public on-line forum. Suffice it to say that a good amount of my energy this year has been given to attempting to help several young adults (not only my own kids) navigate such things as educational upheavals, career changes, job losses, break-ups, depression, anxiety, and multiple very specific life situations I can’t even find a way to discuss generically. I will specifically and happily announce that this time next year, I will gain my first daughter as Son #1 and his longtime lady love (they are in their mid twenties and have been dating since the summer before junior year in high school minus 2 breakups of 4 and 9 month durations over the years) are officially engaged. They have a beautiful relationship, have grown up both together and individually, and learned a lot about themselves, each other, and life in their journey. Mr. DKNC feel blessed to to have gradually moved to the role of supporting players in their life story as they write their future together. I’ll be getting on my first plane since Covid-19 arrived in America 2 weeks from now to go visit them in the state where they now live for my son’s b-day. Mr. DKNC is going with me, of course, but as he flies planes for a living, this is very much NOT his first flight in the Covid era.
My younger sons are finding their paths. Changing some things, recommitting to others. They are still with us although at least one is chomping at the bit to get out, and I understand entirely. I was the same in my early twenties. Loved my parents dearly, but it was time to enjoy them in somewhat smaller doses. :-)
As I work in the medical field, my job has continued to occupy great amounts of my physical energy and even more of my mental and emotional energy than before as Covid has affected pretty much EVERYTHING I touch professionally in large ways or small.
And like everyone else in this country (the U.S.) I cannot ignore the heinous political climate in our nation, in my state (Kentucky) or even the little town closest to where I live or the nearest city to us. Some things, I cannot in good conscious ignore--and I feel compelled to speak truth. As my little family is definitely a little blue dot in a red place, this has created conflicts with extended family members, neighbors, and friends. These are people I care about. I don’t want to cut them out of my life, and I know they aren’t horrible people but they have fallen in line with what I consider some pretty horrible opinions and world views, and it just makes everything harder. I am a “live and let live” girl on most things in life, but there are some lines I cannot cross. So, yeah. This has been another source of exhaustion.
In two weeks when I go see my son, I will take the first full week off work I’ve taken since June of 2019 as all my travel plans in early 2020 were canceled and as long as I was home and things at my medical practice were in a constant state of flux on both the health care and business side, I just worked. 
Over the past month, I’ve said no to more things. I’ve tried to say yes to taking better care of myself, and part of that has been opening my fic tabs--first just to look at them, and more recently to write again. 
I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed y’all. I don’t know how much time I’ll have to write now, but I intend to take some at least. I don’t know how long I’ll feel inspired to write as all motivation for anything had been just sucked right out of my soul throughout the greater part of this year. But I right now, I really, really wanna write so I’m just gonna jump back on the ride and see how it goes.
I’m here for a bit anyway. :-)
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meet-me-in-mercury · 3 years
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My Anxiety, The Tornado
Her heart drops to her stomach. Her body becomes a corset. Tighter, tighter, tighter... until her breath shortens and her heart beats faster to be free. She curls on the corner of her bed, the weight of the world suffocating her. Nauseated, numb, trembling, chills, hot flashes, and she thought, "Is this it? Am I going to die?"
When I was thirteen, I was getting ready for school when I felt a sick feeling in my stomach. I hadn't had the time to figure out what it was. My parents were rushing me because we were late, as usual. I was sweating when we got into the car, and as we drove to school, I was short of breath. I could tell how close we were. Ten minutes approaching, and my head started spinning. I couldn't breathe. My heart exploded the minute the car parked. Figuratively, but at the time, it might as well be real. I thought I was going to die. My driver had to take me home that morning because I was crying uncontrollably. I couldn't even get out of the car.
I was a senior in high school when I learned it was a panic attack. Until this day, I can't decide if knowing was better than not knowing. My last memory of one of the worst panic attacks I ever experienced was in college. It caught me off guard in the middle of tort class. It tied my stomach in knots. If memory serves, I wasn't breathing for a minute straight. My vision went dark, and all I could see were white flashes. The worst part, though? My professor called me out because she thought I was sleeping. I don't blame her, really.
When the pandemic hit, I read a few pieces about quarantine and its effect on mental health. I was always a homebody. When it comes to choosing between spending the night out and curling up on the couch to binge The Good Place, I'd always choose the latter. I never felt those pieces about quarantine depression would apply to me. Besides, I've done a lot of meditation and journaling to keep me from spiraling.
I guess I was wrong.
I would've been on my way to get my three-year sobriety coin if I was in AA. But it only took one minute for me to end up crying in the corner of my bed, thinking, "Is this it? Am I going to die?"
The thing about panic attacks is, they come from nothing and everything all at once. When the crying finally wears you out, you'd think it's time to try to calm down. But the minute you try to keep your mind off of it, the thoughts seem to magnify themselves, and it just races through your head. When a minute feels like an eternity, everything is heightened. I thought I was going insane when I heard the sound of my own breathing. My heart feels like it was beating against my ears, and the dark corners of my thoughts hammering my head just for funsies.
And then, at the height of it, my vision darkens again. The light bulb in my room was like the sun staring into my eyes when I've always complained about how dim they were during the day, and we should get it fixed. I didn't think it could get any worse, but my legs start to shake. There it was again, the chills, the hot flashes, the tingling at the tips of my fingers and toes. It spreads through my entire body faster than a California wildfire.
I don't think I was desperate for help. I don't think I was ever so scared of dying. Even my mom couldn't help me calm down, and she was the one who has been caring for me my entire life. She knows how the combination of backrubs and her customized lullaby for me put me to sleep every time. She knows that I could never keep my feelings to myself and that talking always helps. But talking only makes me more anxious. Talking only takes up more space in my lungs, and I was already barely breathing.
I'm not religious. Well, I had a religion, and then I didn't. If you had told me four years ago that one day, I would turn to God for help because I was desperate, I would've laughed in your face and call you crazy. But in the midst of nausea setting in, my stomach-wrenching, and the sweating, the freezing, and the tingling, I had somehow called out for help to the God whose presence (until this day) I doubt exist.
I stared at the ceiling. I couldn't remember when was the last time I did this, maybe three years ago, when I was searching for an answer to the million-dollar question: Does God really exist? I was either questioning why is He doing this to me, or I was begging for help, mercy, a shred of compassion if there was even any. You could say I was praying in my own way. But if God really did hear my cry for help, I truly doubt that He was able to make sense of what I was asking for him. I don't know if it worked. Truthfully, I doubt it. But that's how desperate I was.
It would've been nice if the panic stopped there. But it didn't. As I'm typing this, I could still feel my heart beating against my chest like a prisoner begging for freedom. It has been going on for three days, and I still have those thoughts in my head, the one that said I'm a screw-up, the one that said all I do is fuck things up, the one that said I would be better off dead. I'd be lying if I tell you they don't get darker than that. They do. In ways that I could never put into words, the dark corners of my head that I've never had to deal with for some years now have probably dominated my thoughts.
You'd be wrong if you think this is a silent struggle. Since the day it started, the panic had only escalated and engulfed every aspect of my life. I guess you could say I had retracted into myself. I barely said a word to my family. Not that I hate them. But I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it. They're still worried for my well-being, probably scared if I might do the unthinkable, rightfully so. I had a meeting two days ago, and I thought it would be manageable because we're all working from home. But I couldn't even look at the screen without feeling like I was about to pass out. I had to turn off the camera and put it on mute so no one would know that I was crying and trembling uncontrollably.
I never thought it was possible. But my anxiety had become a tornado. It had sucked up everything and sent it into a whirlwind that fed on itself. With time, it will only grow larger and larger. 
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schnoogles · 3 years
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get to know me
tagged by @dreams-for-spring and @athimbleful ! thank you lovelies (˘︶˘)♡♡
name/nickname: Kitty gender: cis star sign: pisces~  height: 5 feet and half an inch (the half is important to me) time: 5:10pm birthday: the day that quarantine/lockdown became official and the US declared covid a national emergency 💀😂 such a great birthday treat😂 favourite bands: oh this is so hard lmao, i like so many😂. here are some off the top of my head: The Sam Willows, Ten Fé, Crimson Apple, Vitamin String Quartet (more of a musical *group* than band.. but i’m counting it) favourite solo artists: same as above, here are a few out of many haha: Dodie Clark, Hayley Kiyoko, Kina Grannis, Jelani Aryeh song stuck in my head: Champagne Kisses by Jessie Ware last movie: i wanna say something cool and sophisticated, but i just watched High School Musical with my little sister last night LMAO last show: Nailed It (the stupidest and funniest baking show i’ve ever watched omg) when did I create this blog: in like 2012 i think? (i’ve long since deleted my old blog lmao) what I post: lately? mostly GoT/jonsa stuff. with a sprinkle of my older fixations~ mostly tv shows and movies though! last thing I googled: “LP vs EP vinyl” ... i didn’t know the difference lmao other blogs: no sir, you get ONE chaotic mess that is my blog following: hundreds of blogs LOL but i really only see maybe 30ish of them on my dash?? not sure if that’s an algorithm thing or a timezone thing followers: tons of people who apparently enjoy my reblogs of my current fixations and memes. and i love you all 😌😌 average hours of sleep: see, i can say 6 or 7 and you’d think i’m normal, but no. some days i get one or two hours, other days i oversleep so much everyone thinks i’m sick. and that’s on depression babeyy *finger guns* lucky number: 943. it’s come to the point where i forgot why that’s my lucky number, just that i know that has always been my answer?? LOL instruments: UM sadly no. i learned piano when i was younger, but haven’t played since, so i don’t really remember what I am wearing: long yoga pants, tshirt, and a cardigan. ...i kinda feel like a mom from the early 2000s?? dream job: honestly at this point, i kinda wanna be that person who holds babies in the maternity ward LOL. like i just really wanna be a baby cuddler, you know? dream trip: would LOVE to visit Greece one day! favourite food: ahhh so many to pick from! but my comfort food will always by my mum’s homemade phở! right now though, i could do with some hotpot or kbbq ;-; something about 6+ people cooking and eating together family style :’) nationality: *sighs forlornly* north american.. favourite song: Come on Eileen by the Dexys Midnight Runners last book I read: yikes, i genuinely don’t remember😅 i think it was a reread of “So Much To Tell You” by Anna Akana.  top 3 fictional universes I would like to live in: *looks at my favourite shows/movies* i mean like i dunno if i wanna live in any of those universes LOL but if i had to pick? maybe Doctor Who, because aliens and outer space and a time and space machine. This is, of course, assuming i’m in the universe with the main characters😂😂
this was fun! tagging: @psychicexpertlover, @love-hope-faith-feels-like-a-lie, @maya-matlin, @vivilove-jonsa, @chocolateghost @5-million-cat-naps, @estherruth-jonsatrash, @riahchan, @esther-dot, @notbloodraven and anyone else who wants to do it!
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funkymbtifiction · 4 years
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My Daydreams Are Getting Out Of Hand
Hi! Thanks for being here and answering questions during this time! I’m an INFP 4w3, and quarantine has me losing myself further and further in my daydreams. I can’t get anything done anymore because I constantly seek to escape. Reality feels so far gone, and I don’t really have anything to look forward to. I wanted to be productive! I wanted to do yoga, read book, write, work on my photography, but I find myself unable to follow through on any of my goals. 
When my life is going well, and I’m feeling happy with who I am and where I’m at, my daydreams often involve aspects of reality only slightly heightened. My life is enough for me, and I want to present for it.
But right now that I feel like I’m getting older, and I’m not fulfilling any of the expectations of who I thought I’d be in my twenties, and to top it off, there’s this pandemic…my daydreams are crazy fantasies that will probably never come true. [...] Again, it’s not like I didn’t daydream before, but I feel like it’s becoming unhealthy because these things aren’t really in the scope of reality, not even close. Nothing feels enough and I wish I were “the best,” and yet, I’m unable to DO anything about it, or even use it as motivation to improve upon myself and who I am as a person. After my daydream highs, I sometimes feel a sharp hit of reality, and I almost want to just hide away forever and give up on everything because I’m never going to have a life that’s THAT good, and I’ll never reach the heights of my potential. 
How do I stop my toxic idealizing of others and the need to be “seen” in order to matter? Because that’s kind of what my daydreams revolve around. And just, how can I be more productive even with the thought that my work may never have an audience (tree falls in the forest…does it make a sound…)? 
This is a lot to deal with right now all at once. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it’s understandable because right now, everyone’s life is on hold -- not just yours. Many people’s careers are on pause. Many people’s dreams have been postponed until life resumes normality and nobody knows when that will be or even what it might look like when it does. Uncertainty is part of life -- but as human beings, we are not used to thinking about how uncertain things are. We attempt to control our little corner of the world through “making plans.” And modern people are very reliant on plans; there’s an old saying, “God willing or the creek doesn’t rise” which implies -- this is what I’ll do if I’m allowed. It’s hard to develop that mindset, but you need to do it. Recognize that you can make plans and carry them out -- if circumstances allow. If they do not, you need to adapt and figure out work-arounds.
NFPs have unrealistic expectations of life. It’s a sad fact of being an idealist. And they/we tend to escape into fantasies rather than deal with life, when it gets hard. Mostly, however, what they lack is an understanding of how long things take, how it takes doing ‘mundane’ things to get there, and of how things can be ‘slow.’ I saw a meme yesterday that said “I want everything to change right now!” Followed by someone telling them “here are the boring daily things you can do to make that happen!” And the person dramatically saying, “No, that’s boring.” NFPs want instant transformation. To suddenly be where they saw themselves in the future or to overcome their negative trait instantly. But life does not work like that. To get what you want, you have to do the daily grind. Show up. Work on things a little at a time.
You mentioned wanting to dazzle people with your talents. Are you working on all those things every day? Right now, you have a luxury of being home with no external distractions. Instead of wasting your time in unrealistic daydreams, why not catch yourself doing it, tell yourself that’s not helping you reach your goals, and set new goals? New things you can work toward? Then do it. If you daydream of knowing other languages, start learning them. Work on them a little at a time every day. What else can you do, to prepare for your goals to kick into place once the quarantine lifts? Start using your Te. Read books that will strengthen it, help you learn to organize your time better. Write down what you want from life, and read up on how people got it (Si knowledge building). Decide what that would look like in your life.
Instead of daydreaming, why not write? Turn your daydream into a character-driven narrative in a series of self-motivating short stories. You’re depressed right now and seeking fantasy as an escape, but... your life is just on pause. It’s not over. You are 20-something. That’s still super young. Will you feel okay with not being famous until you are 35? Or 40? Do you love what you want to do, to do it even if it earns you no praise or attention?
I understand the need for attention, affirmation, and encouragement. I face that war every day in my various projects, whenever I realize no one cares that much. Then I have to ask myself, “Am I doing this for me, or for praise that may never come? Am I writing this book series because I love these characters and my creativity and am proud of what an excellent writer hard work has helped me become? Or am I just doing it for attention? Am I doing Funky because I want the likes and reblogs I am not getting? [They have become almost non-existant in the last year. Which is disheartening. I spend lots of time writing up profiles!] Or am I doing it because I enjoy analyzing characters and want people to find a character ‘like them’?” You have to learn to start talking yourself through things, and finding reasons to keep doing them that stem from... YOU. What YOU love to do. What YOU want. What YOU feel proud of.
If you do something from the heart, you will find those who appreciate you. If you do things only for praise, it won’t be authentic and it won’t draw people. But as a 4, you may always want more than you get. That’s also something to feel aware of and pay attention to -- to ask yourself often, “Am I being unsatisfied with what is right in front of me? With the people right here who love me and think what I do is wonderful? Am I ignoring them and chasing after shadows?” You can ignore 5 fans who would follow you to the end of the earth, who love what you do that much, in search of 3,000.
NFPs want to change the world through their ideas, so they/we crave a huge audience and to make an impact. And it is hard to keep doing things if no one seems to care. But... why are you doing it? Ask yourself that. Praise or changing the world?
Regarding things to look forward to -- are you connecting to people? Recruiting them to do fun things online with you? INFPs are poor at asking others to give them their time, but the truth is -- your friends are also lonely, bored, frustrated, and have nothing to look forward to. Set up online movie nights. Set up chats. Plan things together. Factor in when the quarantine will likely end, and start making plans for after that. Some things, you can already plan -- various movies are tentatively being scheduled for the rest of the year. Are there any of those you want to see / look forward to? Are there places you want to see? An event does not have to be ‘huge’ to be something to look forward to. Make little events in your life. I had to do my annual Titanic viewing alone, rather than with my usual guests, but I still made myself a special high tea and dressed up. I’ve been writing down shows I’m looking forward to watching and their release date on my event calendar, so I can anticipate them. Some of the local gift shops will be opening soon. I look forward to visiting them. Learn to love the little things.
It’s going to be all right. Life will resume itself. People will go back to work. Your dreams will get on track. This is just a pause. A time to breathe and dream. And you know what? It’s all right not to work all the time. It’s all right to rest. Use this time to get to know yourself. To observe yourself. And to make plans. ;)
- ENFP Mod
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writenaw · 4 years
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starting august with a good shred!
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oh, tumblr, we got lots of things to catch up to. so, long post ahead.
i started my weight loss/ fitness journey late april this year. my initial weight was nearly 60kg/ 130lbs with only a height of 5'2"/ 159cm; now after 3months, i weigh 47.8kg/ 105lbs and with plus half a centimetre in my height. i lost around 25lbs, and i swear i have never felt this kind of fulfillment in my life. now, let me tell you why i started in the first place.
february and july 2020
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i was never too fat nor too thin my whole life, it had always been in between and just right. that's before my life went on a ruckus. last october, i went through the deepest trench- stress, depression, problems. binge eating became my getaway. aside from that, last january, i learned i have pcos and it was the very reason why i gained weight fast despite being physically active due to commuting everyday to our univ. i gained a lot of pounds in less than a month. but i never really cared about how my body looked until i received series of body shaming by several people i know. loathing myself, i remember crying by just looking at the mirror.
january and july 2020
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january and july 2020
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being stuck at home this quarantine made me reflect on myself. i'm not saying i'm thankful of the pandemic, but because of it i had the time to focus on my self-improvement. i accepted myself, this urged me to redeem myself from my downfall. i did exercising everyday with the aid of a fitness program from a mobile app i downloaded (i shifted to youtube after a month), i also did intermittent fasting and a balanced calorie deficit diet, cut out my sugar intake, and skipped fatty oily processed food. finally, i am up to just maintaining my current weight. upon reaching my goal, i can now look back and be proud of what i achieved within myself. that was my weight loss journey, now let's talk about my workout session for today.
anxious for days, i got no will and drive to do my workouts fully. today was the momentum i've been waiting for. surprised bc i am energized to do a workout, i proceeded despite the fact i ate very little for the whole day (just 2 buns of bread and black coffee for my first meal; small amount of cookies for my snack; steeped tea, and 2 boiled eggs for my last).
i had a total of 35 mins of full body workout with weights. it consisted of a 10-min standing ab workout, 15-min full body workout with weights, and 10-min cooldown exercises. it really felt good right after, it's quite a while since i felt this way after a workout. looking forward for more energized shreds this month ♥.
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look how happy i am after the workout ♥ now, i'm gotta go get some sleep!!
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kreweleaderbuuru · 4 years
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Part 3 baybeeee i realised that the babies I use more often these days werent included. Annoying elaboration that doesnt matter under the cut
Sex
Self explainitory
Gender:
Self explanatory 
Build:
Singrid: The most in-shape member of her family. She’s very enthusiastic about honing her skills with her hammer, carving canoes with her bare hands, and punching sharks in the face.
Grunt: The grunt has been working on building muscle, but her years of starvation and abuse have left her permanently stunted. 
Algor: Despite being absolutely fuckall massive, he’s not too interested in honing his physique. He’s got some scholarly chub on the way. 
Poom: Actually more muscular than you’d give him credit for- though still malnourished and spindly. His baggy clothes are in part to hide a very embarrassing hourglass figure. 
Height:
Singrid: Just a few inches shorter than her brother, much to her dismay
Grunt: Shorty due to malnutrition
Algor: Fuckall massive
Poom: Comes from a pretty tall family, but just so happens to me the shortest member of that family. He thinks he’s shorter than he actually is. 
Handiness:
Self explanatory
Intelligence, Scholarly:
Singrid: While Singrid was offered the same education as her brother, she struggled with even the most basic concepts. At a certain point she decided her job was just to carry heavy equipment. Living proof of nature vs. nurture. 
Grunt: Scouted by inquest recruiters as a child. The Grunt was subjected to the standard foot soldiers ‘education’ within the Inquest. It wasn’t all that great, but it wasn’t like she could leave. 
Algor: Personally tutored by his adopted asuran father- surpassing the potential of even some asuran peers in Rata Sum. Living proof of nurture vs. nature. 
Poom: Got along okay in school, enough to Graduate Dynamics with above average grades. His true passions lie in paranormal investigation, which isnt as revered in Rata Sum. People just assume he’s crazy. 
Wisdom:
Singrid: Would look a grenade launcher down the barrel as she’s trying to figure out how to fire it. 
Grunt: What the Grunt lacks in formal education, she makes up for in sheer experience. She’s worked on just about every Inquest base the Megakrewe allows such a low-ranking agent, and tangled with more bizarre magical creatures than most norn hunters will in their lifetime. 
Algor: Algor began making supply runs in greater Tyria when he was sixteen, allowing him to come into his own as a traveller and genius. 
Poom: Easily distracted and has a nasty habit of sharing his conspiracy theories to the members of the organisations he suspects. Common sense is not amongst his strengths. 
Education:
Singrid: Technically a ‘drop out’, seeing as her father gave up on teaching her alongside her brother. However, the special attention Ruffik can give Singrid while Algor is away has convinced her to give his lessons another go.  
Grunt: Didn’t so much as ‘graduate’ as she was drafted to punishment detail. Her propensity for disaster and mayhem did not make her school days enjoyable. 
Algor: Greatly exceeded his father’s expectations. 
Poom: A decent student, but easily distracted by his true passions. 
Social Ability:
Singrid: Dreamed all her life of leaving the Far Marina Base to party all through Tyria, only to suffer from extreme social anxiety. She’s since found happiness on the peaceful ice caps, content with her few friends and family. 
Grunt: Pretty amicable, if you can get over the whining and increased likelihood of the bar burning down. 
Algor: Still relatively uncomfortable in his own skin, but growing out of it. 
Poom: A highly contagious affliction and subsequent quarantine has given an already antisocial oddball agoraphobia. Poom has slowly been taking steps to be more comfortable with people, and can at the very least venture outside without a panic attack. 
Perceptiveness:
Singrid: Sensitive, painfully sensitive, so sensitive she becomes overwhelmed in large gatherings. Is one of the few people who can really understand Ruffik’s emotions at any given time and could be mistaken for a mind reader when it comes to people she’s close to. 
Grunt: Despite her attempt at an aloof bounty huntress persona, the Grunt is mostly in wilful denial. She knows whats going on, why it’s going on, and how things will probably end. She’s very bad at pretending not to care. 
Algor: His time outside the Far Marina Base has taken him from clueless hermit to what is average teenage boy. He still doesnt understand girls, though. 
Poom: Absolute dogshit at reading social signals, to the point of being near debilitating. His friends have to intervene to keep him from being beaten up half the time. 
Readability:
Singrid: There are two Singrids: The one who is comfortable and knows the people in the room, and the Singrid who is in public and trying to keep from crying. You wouldnt expect the firey young norn from the FMB to wilt so easily in a crowd, and you’d be wrong. 
Grunt: Any attempts to hide her emotions are humorously in vain. Its lucky her partner, krewemate, and totally-not-boyfriend is painfully dense. 
Algor: Can put up a pretty convincing stoic front. It’s when he opens his mouth the youthful bravado comes spilling out. 
Poom: His high anxiety and odd mannerisms make him an open book. An open book in a language you cant read, but nonetheless open. 
Introvert/Extrovert:
Self explanatory
Sexuality:
Singrid: Straight
Grunt: Straight
Algor: Bisexual 
Poom: Pansexual with a male preference
Romanticism: 
Singrid: Straight, Monogamous 
Grunt: Straight, Monogamous
Algor: Biromantic, Open to Polyamory
Poom: Panromantic with a male preference, Monogamous
Romantic:
Singrid: Has a massive crush on her childhood friend, but he’s painfully oblivious. 
Grunt: Hopelessly in love with her partner, friend, and krewemate, Anakk. Even though they live together, work together, provide each other with emotional support, and sleep together exclusively, they insist they are not in a relationship.
Algor: Would do anything for a partner to share his intellect, but is still too insecure to ask anyone out. There’s also the size factor- none of the other apprentices so much as reach his knee. That ‘tragedy’ is a bit romantic in its own right- according to him. 
Poom: Is oblivious to romance, and hasnt had the best track record. His last relationship ended in nothing short of catastrophe, he’s still too ashamed to face his ex to stay long in Rata Sum. This has kept him rather guarded when it comes to relationships. 
Affection:
Singrid: Very touchy. Will shamelessly pick up and snuggle anyone she cares about. 
Grunt: Has a pointed distaste for ‘mushy stuff’ and goes out of her way to avoid any intimacy that could be construed as romantic. 
Algor: Mostly only hugs his sister. Was more cuddly as a kid, but since the growth spurt he worries about accidentally crushing people. 
Poom: Has gone three years without touch due to his affliction. Avoids touch like the plague so as not to become overwhelmed. 
Disposition, Outwardly:
Singrid: Whether she’s in full swing or shyly hugging the wall, Singrid comes across as a friendly, if not rough around the edges- young norn. 
Grunt: Affable and friendly until things go wrong. They’re usually going wrong. 
Algor: Knows how to be polite in public. Snarks on occasion. 
Poom: Absolute bastard of a man. You know this. Why even ask. 
Disposition, Inwardly:
Singrid: Pretty neutral on people as a whole. Gets irritated easily, and doesnt have any kind words for people who make her uncomfortable. 
Grunt: Is far more effected by her past than she lets on. The grunt is generally distrustful to strangers and spiteful to those who hurt her- even a little. 
Algor: Has a healthy dollop of teen angst. 
Poom: One of the more kindly people you’ll meet, once you get past his eccentricities. Genuinely doesnt want to upset anyone, and is a die hard pacifist. 
Petty:
Singrid, Grunt, Algor: All petty little drama queens. 
Poom: Will put up with a lot of bullshit, so long as you dont press one of his triggers. Can only really muster the energy to hate one thing at a time. Usually tries to solve ‘misunderstandings’ when they come up. 
Sanity:
Singrid: Crippling social anxiety 
Grunt: PTSD
Algor: He’s fine, honestly. 
Poom: Autism, PTSD, Depression, Social Anxiety, Agoraphobia, probably more. 
Freindliness:
Singrid: She knows who she likes, and isnt particularly eager to make new friends. 
Grunt: Finds it relatively easy to get along with people, especially if theres alcohol involved. She has a strange habit for attracting the affections of much larger and more powerful beings. Anakk, her skyscale Mr. Bastard, and the hulking inquest abomination Brukk, to name a few. 
Algor: Able to chat up strangers so long as he’s not feeling too self-important. He’s growing out of that bit, though. 
Poom: Absolutely desperate for validation. Can and will join a cult if he’s not claimed. 
Stoicism:
Singrid: Will break pretty easily either from her anxiety or by getting too excited about a cool rock. 
Grunt: Attempts are made at stoicism. They are laughable. 
Algor: Is prone to teen melodrama. He’s growing out of it, though. 
Poom: Will go home and cry for stepping on a bug.
Grace:
Singrid: Her training in the harsh Far Marina conditions have made her an adept warrior. 
Grunt: Prone to disaster.
Algor: Is actually quite a talented dancer when no one’s watching. One of the ways he tries to stay in shape between studies. 
Poom: If he’s not knocking something over, he’s putting his foot in his mouth. 
Stubbornness:
Self explanatory
Bravery:
Singrid: Despite her issues with crowds, she’s run after icebrood twice her size with nothing but a dagger. Has wanted to cultivate an epic legend ever since she was a kid. 
Grunt: Complete snivelling coward.
Algor: Will run from conflict as easily as he runs from a spider. 
Poom: An almost destructive lack of self-preservation. 
Loyalty:
Singrid: The few companions she has, she aims to keep. 
Grunt: Wont die for the ship, but will save her favourite pirate. 
Algor: Still has somewhat naive opinions on teamwork in a krewe. It’s almost a good thing he’ll likely never be in one. 
Poom: Not a lot of people understand him, those that try are greatly appreciated. Even people who dont try, he’ll gladly meet half way. Even if you dont even like him at all he’s got your back. Even if you’ve just spit in his mouth he’ll-
Lawfulness:
Singrid: Does what she wants. If that means breaking some heads, she’ll do it. If it means drinking tea and brushing up on her knitting, thats her glitching right!
Grunt: Rules are for people who don’t regularly get hit by lightning. 
Algor: Painfully naive. 
Poom: The rules suck, but he gets in trouble enough as it is without provoking others. 
Attitude:
They’re all edgy assholes lol
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senbons · 3 years
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*tagged by @aluxuryissohardtofind-blog--blog​
since i’m such a roll this morning and finally answering
NAME:  luc AGE: ew BIRTHDATE: nov 12 PRESENT ADDRESS:  ny ny
Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with  92 Truths about you. At the end, choose  peoples to be tagged. You have  to tag the person who tagged you. WHAT WAS YOUR: 1. Last beverage = coffee 2. Last phone call =  last night, friend to discuss pros/cons of electoral college 😂 3. Last text message = from minuteclinic about covid test results 😂 4. Last song you listened to = daydreams, maisie peters 😭😭😭 5. Last time you cried = ugh this morning teared up in the boruto ep HAVE YOU EVER: 6. Dated someone twice = yes 7. Been cheated on = yes 8. Kissed someone & regretted it = not particularly 9. Left someone = yes 10. Been depressed = yes, but not clinically 11. Been drunk and threw up = yes
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: 12. navy 13. green 14. grey
LAST YEAR (2020) HA, HAVE YOU: 15. Made a new friend = yes, but not good friends (covid bb) 16. Fallen out of love = no 17. Laughed until you cried  = yes 18. Met someone who changed you = no 19. Found out who your true friends were = no 20. Found out someone was talking about you = not irl i think 21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend’s list = no facebook. but no, no one i follow on social media i think GENERAL: 22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = no fb (though i get on my younger brothers sometimes to stalk a boy i’ll never date but think we’d be perfect 😭) 24. Do you have any pets = dog 25. Do you want to change your name =  not now, but i did as a kid 26. What did you do for your last birthday = idek? dinner w parents. quarantine! 27. What time did you wake up today = 6:30 (every morning) 28.What were you doing at midnight last night = reading 29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = derry girls s3. only thing i’m looking forward to in this world.  30. Last time you saw your Mother = early nov 31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = gone for it earlier  32. What are you listening to right now = final (take 1) -- miles davis (ascenseur pour l’echafaud) 33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = i know some toms. not close friends though. 34. What’s getting on your nerves right now = travel planning  35. Most visited webpage = gmail  37. Nickname =  luc’s short enough. friends have some other version, but not really 38. Relationship Status = single and commitment-averse 39. Zodiac sign = scorpio 40. He or She = she 41. Elementary = mostly good memories 42. High School = almost all good memories 43. College = good mix of things. bad and good. mostly good. love, friends, etc. 44. Hair color = dirty blonde 45. Long or short = long atm 46. Height = 5'6" 47. Do you have a crush on someone? yes, but little ones. nothing serious 48. What do you like about yourself? = my broad amount of knowledge, ability to think on my feet, analytical skills, physical strength, music collection 49. Piercings = three on lobe of right ear + 1 cartlidge, regular single lobe on left  50. Tattoos = one, left wrist 51. Righty or lefty = righty
FIRST : 52. First surgery = appendix 53. First piercing = regular ear piercings 54. First friends = family friends who had kids same age  55. First sport you joined = organized? soccer, pick-up? baseball 56. First vacation = guatemala (i was a few months though so doesn’t really count) 58. First pair of trainers = sneakers? idk, had them as a baby RIGHT NOW: 59. Eating = nothing 60. Drinking = coffee 61. I’m about to = workout 62. Listening to = i don’t mind -- darren criss (homework EP) 63. Waiting for = covid test results YOUR FUTURE : 64. Want kids? = yes 65. Get Married? = divorced 66. Career? = not lawyer WHICH IS BETTER : (idk if this is about me or in others? answering in general) 67. Lips or eyes = eyes 68. Hugs or kisses = hugs 69. Shorter or taller = tall i guess 70. Older or Younger = younger 71. Romantic or spontaneous = romantic 72. Nice stomach or nice arms = stomach 73. Sensitive or loud = sensitive 74. Hook-up or relationship = hook up 75. Trouble maker or hesitant = trouble maker HAVE YOU EVER : 76. Kissed a stranger = yes 77. Drank hard liquor = yes 78. Lost glasses/contacts = story of my life 79. Sex on first date = yes 80. Broke someone’s heart = yes 81. Had your own heart broken = yes 82. Been arrested = no 83. Turned someone down = yes 84. Cried when someone died = yes 85. Fallen for a friend = not seriously
DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 86. Yourself = yes 87. Miracles = yes, in kismet ways, not god-given 88. Love at first sight = maybe 89. Heaven = no 90. Santa Claus = no 91. Kiss on the first date = believe in? sure? 92. Angels = haven’t you heard? they become gay and die
tagged: @shkdai there now we’re even and you can spend the half hour this just took me😭😭😭😭
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