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ninbayphua-moyan · 3 years

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Moonlit Sparrow Through Parted Clouds

Thunderous grey clouds hung heavy in the sky as I made my way towards the lecture hall. My body ached with a bone-deep exhaustion and each leaden step I took felt heavier than the last. I stopped, wanting to turn back, but time and time again, my body refused to obey as my legs carried me towards my destination.

Half an hour later, I found myself standing outside the empty lecture hall despite the countless hesitations along the way. Sighing, I sank to the floor and closed my eyes, too tired to remain upright. That’s what university does to you. It sucks out your soul, your passion, and your youth, leaving nothing behind but an empty husk of a human being.

A familiar voice calling my name pricked my hazy, sleep deprived brain and I cracked open my heavy eyelids. My facial muscles moved like clockwork, automatically forming a smile to greet my friend.

“You look like a corpse!” Chu Ying exclaimed worriedly at the sight of the heavy dark circles beneath my vacant eyes.

“Haven’t been getting much sleep this week…” I replied with a nonchalant shrug as I quickly scrunched up my eyes until they turned into little crescents of laughter, “assignments due soon.”

Seemingly convinced by my explanation, she gave me a look of sympathetic encouragement and left. The second no one was looking, I let the smile fall. Amazing what a simple smile could conceal. You could probably murder someone, smile, plead innocent and everyone would believe you. Sighing softly under my breath, I grabbed my bag and joined the gathering crowd of students as they trickled into the dimly lit lecture theatre.

My laptop sat quietly on the desk, an empty word document laid open on its illuminated screen as the lecturer’s monotonous voiced droned on and on in the background. I should have been taking down notes but my mind was too preoccupied with my issues with the Undergraduate Office to focus on what the lecturer was saying.

A rhythmic vibration drew my attention towards the phone sitting on my lap. Glancing at the pop-up notification, a wave of anxiety and hope surged through my body as I registered who the sender was – the Undergraduate‘s Office. Quickly, I pulled up the email and immediately felt my heart sinking after reading the first line.

All seminar groups are full and we cannot move students.

Lies.

Another notification, this time, from my personal tutor.

It’s only week 3, relax.

Disappointment. Betrayal. Frustration. Anger. I clenched my trembling hands into fists as the tsunami of emotions threatened to explode and spill out of my shaking body. Half of me wanted to storm over to the Undergraduate’s office and let loose the unbridled rage coursing through my veins at the unfair treatment. The other half of me wanted to lash out at my tutor’s condescending advice. My body trembled at the barely, ever so barely contained anger.

Sixteen thousand pounds. That would be eighty-four thousand two hundred and seventy-nine ringgit each year in school fees. Fees which didn’t even include the amount I needed to spend in order to buy the books required for the modules. Sixteen thousand pounds per year just to get an education, an education that I wasn’t even getting at this point and her advice for me was to relax? How could I when my parents worked their entire youth away, saving every cent just so they could send me, all the way to Britain to get a proper education! Did they even know what the stakes of sending me abroad to study was?!

My father’s average yearly income is twenty-four thousand ringgits, barely twenty-eight percent of my yearly school fees. Was it that unreasonable to want to be in a class that will allow me to learn and improve after paying for that much money out of my parents’ own pocket?! Why would anyone in their right mind come half way across the globe, paying that ridiculous amount of money, and being so far away from family and home for years, just to fool around? If that had been my intention, I wouldn’t even have bothered going to university in the first place, let alone coming all the way to Cardiff!

University will be fun they said. You’ll meet open-minded people passionate about learning they said. Hah! That’s the biggest misconception if there ever was one. First of all, the university doesn’t care about whether you actually learn anything so long as you're paying the fees. The majority of lecturers or seminar leaders will only do the most minimal amount of work required and by that, I mean three hundred words of prose only per weekly assignment. What kind of creative work could anyone produce under three hundred words? In prose! Some don’t even bother with critical commentary which is just as essential as the creative pieces. Not only does the lack of practice in writing critical commentaries and limited word count for the creative pieces inhibit students from developing any work of significance, it also underprepares students for the three-thousand-word portfolio due at the end of the semester.

Secondly, British universities are also especially discriminatory towards outsiders or people of colour, often treating minorities and international students with hostility or disregard. I’ve experienced this discrimination first hand upon requesting a seminar change. Despite having emailed the Undergraduate Office at the same time with the exact same reasons, I was denied the change whilst my British classmate was immediately allowed to swap seminars. The office even went so far as to lie about the class being full even though I was told by the professor leading that very seminar that it wasn’t. So much for the integrity of the institution.

At the end of the day, international students are nothing but cash cows to British universities.[1] Not only do they have to pay double of what British students pay in terms of fees, they also have to deal with the discriminations that come alongside being an outsider. I understood that in this day and age, education was a business, and that the university itself was, essentially, a business, but doesn’t actual passion for learning still count for something? Or was I wrong in believing in that as well? Oh, so naïve, so very naïve!

Old memories started to surface amongst the turmoil of emotions. My father and his worn-out clothes, refusing each time to buy new ones for himself just to save a little more money. My mother mending them as best she could whilst we slept, never once complaining. Images of my father’s prematurely greying hair and bloodshot eyes as he worked his health away to provide for his children’s future. My mother’s back bent low, labouring away at some project or another in order to make ends meet. Yet, they never once showed us how tired or how tough things were. There was always enough food on the table and they always had a smile on their faces around us. Sometimes, I noticed that they would eat a lot less than usual but whenever I asked, they merely joked and said they were trying to lose weight. They could have enjoyed their youth, their honeymoon, but they decided to save it all, sacrificing their health and comfort just to ensure mine by sending me here.

I remember the times where they would secretly check their wallets whenever I begged them to buy me a book. Oh, how those very books painted and fuelled my illusions of Britain’s perfection. If only I had known the reality of it all before applying to study here. But it’s too late for regrets now.

A sharp stinging pricked the back of my eyes, tears threatening to fall as my body shook with suppressed, uncontrollable rage. Maybe if I was a little braver…maybe if I fought a little harder…maybe if I confronted them a bit more…maybe…maybe…maybe…

Then as quickly as they appeared, the tsunami of emotions faded away, leaving behind an empty husk. My clenched fists loosen and fell limply at my sides as a quiet, bitter laugh escaped my lips. Nothing was going to change. No matter how hard I fought, the end results will remain the same so what’s the point of even trying in the first place?

As the cold hard reality of the situation finally presented itself, I slumped against the chair, my empty laptop screen staring blankly back at me. Resignation dragged me deeper and deeper into the murky depths of my mind. I was drowning. No one knew and no one cared. But that’s fine. The ending remains the same regardless. Always the same…

The sound of rustling papers and loud chatter momentarily draws me out of the murky waters. Realising that the lecture had ended, I gathered my things and shuffled towards the exit, my mind returning once more to the depths of the void. Outside, the rain was pouring. I plodded down the streets drenched to the bone as my legs moved mechanically towards my flat. A stifling numbness engulfed my mind as I trudged on in silence, the howling wind battering my shivering, rain-soaked body from all sides. Rounding the corner, I pulled out a key-card and entered the cramped grey flat. Out of sheer habit, I grabbed the letters from my letterbox and stuffed them into my coat pocket before heading upstairs.

Entering the dingy room, I dropped my backpack on the bed and sank to the floor. Hugging my knees to my chest, I stared vacantly at the bleak wall. My phone rang insistently in my pocket but I didn’t answer, too tired to move. The crushing weight on my lungs forced out whatever little oxygen I managed to draw, making each breath a struggle. The clamouring voices in my mind grew louder and louder, growing in intensity yet forcefully contained, like built-up pressure without release on the brink of implosion.

You’re useless

I’m…not…

You can’t even stand up for yourself or fight for what you believe is right

Yes I can! And I’m trying! I’ve –

You’re a disappointment to your parents and your family

I’m not! I swear! I –

You’ll never amount up to anything

That’s not true! I –

You’re pathetic

No –

Nothing but a Failure

Stop saying –

Human garbage

Please! Just –

Waste of space

“SHUT UP!”

Silence. Nothing but the sound of my ragged breathing in the darkness.

The world would be better off without you

I don’t know how long I had stayed there on the floor but by the time I came around, my dripping wet clothes were nearly dry. The chaotic calamity within had finally died down and I was filled with an eerie calmness. A deafening silence blanketed the air, pierced only by the hypnotic rumbling of trains across tracks. Ah yes…the railway…my ticket to solving everything…just two blocks away…and it’ll all be over…permanently…

Forcing my lethargic limbs to move, I wobbled onto my feet and stumbled towards the door. A tiny parcel fell out of my pocket and the handwriting on it made me paused. It was my mother’s. Even under the dimness of the moonlight trickling in, there was no mistaking that immaculately cursive hand.

Letting go of the door handle, I kneeled down to pick up the neatly wrapped package. Then, slowly, as if afraid it would fall apart at the slightest touch, I began unwrapping the parcel. Upon opening the box, tears welled at the corner of my eyes. Six little cylindrical bundles of haw flakes were carefully packed within, each attached to a tightly rolled up strip of paper. Gently untying the scrolls from the sweets, I began reading them one at a time.

Jie![2] I got you your favourite sweets! Wanted to buy you more of them but Ma said there wasn’t enough space in the box. Don’t worry, I’ll send you a big box of them once I’ve saved up enough money.

– Di[3]

My heart ached as I thought about how much it must have costed for them to ship the parcel all the way from Penang to Britain. And with the little amount of pocket money…it must have taken Di-Di months of saving to be able to afford buying that one bundle of sweets…

Jie, just because you’re the oldest doesn’t mean you have to hold everything in on your own y’know? It’s okay to rely on others a bit more from time to time. Enjoy the sweets you idiot, you’re crazy about those haw flakes. No idea why you like them either, they aren’t even that nice.

– Mei[4]

Tears pricked the back of my eyes as my sister’s grumpy voice echoed in my ears. I could even see the disbelieving eye roll at my odd preferences in sweets after the last sentence. How I’ve missed our senseless squabbles and late-night chats….

A-Yun, being an international student in the UK isn’t always the easiest thing, especially when you’re a minority there. You’ve already taken the necessary steps and have done all you can in that situation. Remember, it’s the end result and not the process that defines a victory. Remember what Sun Tzu mentioned in The Art of War? ‘The most important rule to victory is to know when to pick your fights and how to fight it’. Not all battles need to be fought to win the war. Never forget our family values and never lose sight of your goal. Don’t worry about finances, let me handle that. Just focus on your studies and aim for that first-class honours. The best revenge is to succeed despite their efforts to stop you. Continue to work hard and don’t give up. Know that regardless of the outcome, your Ma and I are proud of you and that we love you very, very much.

– Ba[5]

A sob catches at the back of my throat as tears flowed freely down my cheeks. Acute pangs of longing weighed heavily on my chest, making it hard to breathe.

A-Yun[6] ah, if it ever becomes too much to bear at Cardiff, come home. Ma will make you your favourite dishes. I know you want to do well but don’t overwork yourself. Remember to get enough rest and try to change your bad habit of skipping meals. Two boiled eggs alone don’t count as a proper meal either!

– Ma[7]

A sheepish giggle escaped my lips despite the tears, Ma’s exasperated voice ringing in my ears. I could almost picture the look of indignation on her face as she judges my terrible meal choices before proceeding to fill my bowl with steamy boiled dumplings.

Ah…Ma’s famous boiled dumplings…the saltiness of minced pork marinated with soy sauce and sesame oil…the refreshing sweetness of spring onions and carrots contrasting the pork’s saltiness…flecks of finely chopped hei-mu-er adding a chewy texture to the tender meat whilst thin sheets of delicately wrapped dough encapsulated it all…the slight bitterness of the herbal broth complementing the savoury dumplings…[8] My stomach growled in protest as I smiled fondly at the memory.

Wiping away the remaining tears, I unrolled the last strip of paper. Elegant brushstrokes painted familiar characters in horizontal lines. A wave of nostalgia washed over me as I recalled sitting on A-Gong’s [9] lap in the garden as kid, watching him practice calligraphy. I remembered how he used to read his poems aloud as I gaze at his hands guiding the bamboo brush across the ivory sheet, entranced by its flowing movements. Each word written was like a piece of art, each stroke of ink painting a meaning of its own.

Tranquil night’s darkness, the moon shines bright, From the mud the lotus rises, its petals pure despite. Vermillion red blossom like wildly raging flames; Elegant, virtuous, delicate, yet exquisitely untamed. The wise once said that adversity yields flair, An upright heart, oblique shadows don’t scare. Dripping water with time wears the stubborn stone, Sturdy wood too can be cut with rope saws alone! [10]

A strange tranquility wrapped itself around me as I read the poem, A-Gong’s calm and mellow voice resonating in my ears. It was almost as if he was standing right before me with the usual toothless smile and twinkling eyes on his wizen face. Tenderly cradling the small box of sweets, a faint smile graced my lips. Their vermillion red and gold wrappings shone with a certain warmth under the soft light of the moon. Gently unwrapping one of the thumb-size bundles with shaking hands, I popped a disk-like piece into my mouth.

Immediately, a wave of warmth spread throughout my cold and hollowed body, almost as if it was infused with the life-giving heat of home. The familiar tart sweetness of the hawthorn berries cleared the heavy fog that clouded my mind and for the first time in a long while, I felt energy slowly seeping back into my worn-out soul, reigniting the snuffed-out fire within. Strange how something so small, barely the size of my thumb, could bring so much comfort and hope. That night, the moon shone a little brighter than usual, and the normally barren sky seemed to be exploding with billions of twinkling stars.

NOTES

[1] Alina Schartner & Yoonjoo Cho, ‘“Empty signifiers” and “dreamy ideals”: perceptions of the “international university” among higher education students and staff at a British university’, Higher Education, 74 (2017), 455-472

[2] ‘Jie’ means older sister in Chinese

[3] 'Di’ means younger brother in Chinese

[4] 'Mei’ means younger sister in Chinese

[5] ‘Ba’ means father in Chinese

[6] ‘Yun’ is written as ‘云’ meaning ‘cloud’

[7] 'Ma’ means mother in Chinese

[8] Hei-mu-er is the Mandarin term for black cloud ear fungus, a type of mushroom often used in Chinese cuisines.

[9] ‘A-Gong’ means grandfather in Chinese (specifically, the Hainanese pronounciation)

[10] This is a self written and self translated poem I wrote. The original Chinese version can be found here.

[11] ‘Moonlit Sparrow Through Parted Clouds’ is a play on 守得云开见月明 meaning the moon will shine brightly again when the clouds part, and 麻雀虽小五脏俱全 meaning though a sparrow is small, it has all the vital organs.

Author's Notes:

So this is one of my earlier prose pieces from uni (all the way back from first year lol). I don’t usually post prose? Not prose of this length at least. Anyways, I thought I’d take the leap and try posting them online now since I decided to start doing that for my poetry pieces? The rest of my prose pieces throughout uni somehow ended up becoming interlinked with several recurring characters though there are some inconsistencies since they were initially intended as stand-alone pieces rather than a series of somewhat loosely linked short stories. I’ll be posting them in story timeline sequence (or at least as closely to a sequence as I can since I didn’t exactly plan out the timeline of these pieces either) rather than in the sequence it was written in so there might be a slight fluctuation in writing style cuz they do kinda change over the years? Anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading Part 1~

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Since exams are over and graded and I've officially graduated, I can finally post my work online without having to worry about Turnitin picking it up as plagiarism because apparently you aren't allowed to plagiarise yourself according to university which is absolutely ridiculous but I'm not the one making the rules here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also, please don't reupload my works without permission.

#ninbayphua 墨彦 #prose #short story #I'm new to sharing stories or prose I've written online so please be kind #constructive critisms are always welcomed #please don't repost without permission

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transbian-uprising · 3 years

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Some of my own Danganronpa non-despair AU headcanons/imagines this time! (THH edition)

I was inspired, so I decided why not write down some headcanons/imagines/character adjustments for my Danganronpa non-despair AU! I’m gonna be doing this as a series, starting with the THH characters, then the SDR2 characters, then the V3 characters (although I will mention characters from other games in my headcanons). Enjoy!

Makoto Naegi | 苗木誠

He’d definitely lend a listening ear to whoever wanted to vent to him.

When he first comes to Hope’s Peak, he’s such a fanboy over everyone

He has an inferiority complex and self worth issues because he’s surrounded by insanely talented students, but Sayaka and Kyoko quickly help him get over that

He’s pretty good at keyboard, and plays alongside Sayaka a lot

He actually got noticed by Kaede, who offered to teach him, which obviously he was ecstatic about

He’s the only one in Class 78th, and possibly all of Hope’s Peak, who is neurotypical

Sayaka Maizono | 舞園さやか

Her and Makoto are basically best friends

She’s still a total cinnamon roll, but she loves to play little pranks on the rest of Class 78th and have a good laugh over it

She, Ibuki, Leon and Kaede tried to form a music group together but they fell apart really quickly due to their different styles

She has a huge crush on Makoto, but she’s afraid to admit it

Leon Kuwata | 桑田怜恩

He’s almost always the only one in class, just so he can avoid playing baseball

Ibuki taught him guitar and he’s been playing nonstop ever since

He *tries* to get along with Sayaka, but prefers hanging out with Ibuki since they almost always end up playing together

Everyone in Class 78 calls him the Ultimate Guitarist because... reasons

Toko Fukawa | 腐川冬子

She doesn’t have the weird thing for Byakuya in this au

She doesn’t slut shame the girls either

She’s still really shy tho

She initially dislikes Hifumi for writing fanfic, but they eventually bond over their mutual love for writing

She’s also close with Tsumugi, and the two of them collaborated to write a book that was loosely based on Tsumugi’s favorite anime

Genocider Syo is friends with Sonia, but she’s a bit put off by Sonia’s obsession with her and other serial killers

Kiyotaka Ishimaru | 石丸清多夏

Initially, the rest of the class shys away from him because he has a stick up his ass about the rules, but Mondo and Chihiro quickly befriend him

After a while, he loosens up a bit, but he never stops being the Ultimate Moral Compass

He tries to bond with the class by telling jokes, but he’s always super awkward with it and is usually unsuccessful

He’s SUPER gullible — he’ll believe anything anyone tells him, and you better believe Class 78 uses that to their advantage

Once, he dyed his hair white on a dare, and ended up liking it and kept it that way

He also tries to do impressions of his classmates (mostly Mondo) but, again, is painfully bad at it

Everyone actually finds these funny tho

Mondo Oowada | 大和田紋土

He, surprisingly, likes to play card games, which everyone was shocked to find out

Except Celeste, who is fascinated by his interest

He’s very protective of his friends, and will do anything for them

Especially Taka and Chihiro, his two best friends

He’s an amazing hairstylist, and secretly loves to play with and style people’s hair

Everyone in all of Hope’s peak knows to go to him for hair care tips and tricks

He also taught Chihiro how to ride a motorcycle the two of them rode around together a lot, until Taka ratted them out

He still hasn’t forgiven Taka for that

Chihiro Fujisaki | 不二咲千尋

In this au, he’s a bit more open about his gender, but still has loads of insecurities

At first, he’s completely in the closet, but after rumors spread online about him being a boy, he decides to live as himself and goes to Mondo for help

Mondo became his first real friend to him because of this, and him (and eventually Sakura too) helped him become strong

Eventually, he became an honorary member of Mondo’s gang and would often hang out with them in his free time

His hidden talent is being a voice actor, but he’s super embarrassed to talk about it since he’s the Ultimate Programmer

His first voice role was in a video game he developed himself, which led some talent scouts to notice him

He eventually voiced in several anime and video games, some of which he also helped develop

He’s almost as passionate about acting as he is about programming, but the only people he feels comfortable talking about it to are Hifumi and Tsumugi, who both become huge fans of his, and Mondo and Taka

When he found out Junko had created Monokuma, he was fascinated and offered to help her with ironing out all his kinks

He, Chiaki, Mukuro and Miu also created the Exisals in this au, for the sole reason of fooling around

Although, Chihiro himself was a bit intimidated by his creation at first, but after Tsumugi and Junko pressured him to try one out for himself, he fell in love

Yasuhiro Hagakure | 葉隠康比呂

He’s less of a dumbass in this AU, although he still has a tendency to get himself in sticky situations

Celeste and Hifumi played a prank on him by getting him to dress up in the Robo Justice suit and go around scaring people, but it backfired after Hiro fell down the stairs and broke his leg

Being the only one in the class who can, he often buys wine for Celeste and Mondo (and whoever asks, but only those two ever do)

He and Mondo use the same hair gel, so sometimes he’d take Mondo’s without knowing, which would lead to some awkward misunderstandings

Interestingly, he once predicted the world would end and they’d all end up dead, but that never ended up happening

That’s where the “30% accurate” thing came from— before that he was almost always right

He constantly makes jokes about being an old man (even though he’s only in his early twenties)

Hifumi Yamada | 山田一二三

He’s no longer solely attracted to anime characters, but he still loves them very much

He’s also nicer in this au

He’s besties with Tsumugi, and they bond over their love of anime and fiction

He’s also a huge fan of Chihiro’s, after he found out Chihiro was on the development team for his favorite game AND voiced two of his favorite anime characters

Low key has a crush on Celeste

Angie constantly makes jokes about how his first name is just “one two three” in Japanese

Whenever he’s watching an anime Chihiro was in, he’ll hound him with questions about what it was like recording, which Chihiro doesn’t mind because he doesn’t get to talk about his voice work a lot

Someday he wants to write and direct his own anime, and Tsumugi and Toko give him a lot of writing tips

He formed a LARP group with Gundham, Tsumugi, Chihiro, Junko, and Kaito

Celestia Ludenberg

She doesn’t treat Hifumi like a servant in this AU, but she’s still mean af and has a superiority complex

She eventually revealed her true identity to the class after she got inspired by Chihiro, but it didn’t change anything with her classmates

Except Hiro, who constantly made jokes about them having the same name, much to Celeste’s annoyance

She occasionally brings Grand Bois Chéri Ludenberg to school with her, but she doesn’t let anyone except Hifumi, Sonia and Gundham pet him

She high-key has a crush on Sonia

She doesn’t actually know how to do her own hair, so she has to get Mondo to do it for her

Sakura Oogami | 大神さくら

She and Tenko become friends SO QUICKLY because of their shared passion for martial arts

She’s still friends with Aoi tho

The three of them hang out together a lot

She and Tenko developed a new form of martial arts combining Neo-Aikido and Sakura’s own style, which they named the Oogami Method

Junko bullied her because of her ripped uniform, but after she explained that nothing would fit her, Junko offered to have one made for her

Kyoko Kirigiri | 霧切響子

She and Shuichi are very close, obviously

She gives Shuichi a lot of pointers on improving his investigative skills, and they work together often to solve cases

She and Makoto still become close, but their friendship is overshadowed by her and Shuichi’s

She notices this after a while, and makes a concerted effort to spend more time with Makoto

She’s less distant in this AU, but she still tries not to show her emotions

Her hair is naturally black in this AU, she dyed it purple after she lost a bet (with Celeste)

Aoi Asahina | 朝日奈葵

In this AU, she doesn’t just love donuts, but she loves all sweets

She was a fan of Junko’s before coming to Hope’s Peak, and the two of them became friends quickly

She and Akane are also close, and everyone jokes that they’re sisters, though in reality they aren’t

She once got recruited by Kaito to be in a play his class was putting on, but she’s such a terrible actor that they gave her part to Junko

She once walked in on Junko and Mukuro testing out Monokuma for the first time, and they were super freaked out, but Aoi was fascinated and wanted to try controlling him

Mukuro was against it, but Junko was cool with it, so she got to in the end

Byakuya Togami | 十神白夜

He and Makoto are both obsessed with true crime, and the two of them actually become friends because of that

They both love digging into Hope’s Peak’s files and his family’s files to find mysteries they could try and solve

Sonia joins them a lot too

He unofficially became the class’s French teacher after they found out he was fluent

He’s nicer in this au, and he’s kind of the dad of the class

When the Imposter was impersonating him, the two of them got into a little mini-war over who was the superior Togami (Twogami surprisingly won that war, albeit barely)

Mukuro Ikusaba | 戦刃むくろ

She’s away from Hope’s Peak A LOT, usually doing soldier things

When she is at Hope’s Peak, she spends most of her time either developing new weapons or looking after Junko

She’s usually the one who has to clean up after Junko’s shenanigans, even though she partakes in them herself

She helps Junko with a lot of her projects, but usually she ends up working on her own things while Junko does her thing

Despite this, she loves working with her sister when she gets the chance

Her proudest achievement is the Exisals, even though she collaborated with Chihiro, Chiaki and Miu to create them

Junko Enoshima | 江ノ島盾子

While she’s obviously not Ultimate Despair in this au, she’s still very chaotic and loves causing shenanigans and playing (mostly) harmless pranks

She’s friends with Sayaka and Kokichi because of this (both she and Sayaka are members of D.I.C.E. too)

She still puts on different personas, but she does it as a joke

She’s actually a very good actress, and she loves to act, but just like Chihiro, that gets overshadowed by her Ultimate talent

She loves to build and create things, just like her sister, which is why she created Monokuma

She uses Monokuma for her pranks a lot

Sometimes she goes through severe depressive episodes where she doesn’t have the energy to leave her home, but she usually uses Monokuma as a sort of telepresence unit so she can still talk to her friends

At first, no one knew that Monokuma was her, but Aoi ended up spilling the beans

She also learned animation from Ryota, and wants to make an anime starring her, Kaito, Tsumugi, Chihiro, Mukuro and Hajime

She loves to share her projects with her friends, and often lets other people control Monokuma or model for her

She gets hurt a LOT, and usually Mikan has to care for her

Her proudest achievement is replacing the Exisals’ weapons with water guns (even though Mukuro did most of the work)

They actually decided to leave them like that afterwards, since the Exisals were only ever used by her friends to mess around in

She suffers from PTSD, and part of that is recurring nightmares that the world ended and all her friends were forced to kill each other

#danganronpa non despair au #non despair au #danganronpa #to find later

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andorwhore · 3 years

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Saudade - III of VII

Chapter III of VII: Trust

summary: A year in the life of a rebel with a cause and a rebel in search of one… chapter three: Cassian didn’t have friends. Or did he?

author’s note: I updated ff and ao3 a few days ago and forgot to post here, so we’re finally getting around to it. I’ve been thinking about adding an addition chapter to the six I already had planned, so we may see a delay in updates yet again. Stay tuned!

pairing: Cassian Andor x OC word count: 10,537 rating: T, eventual R warnings: none (yet)

chapter one || chapter two || chapter three || chapter four

[ff.net] [ao3]

After four months with the Rebel Alliance, Jai had managed to become one of the regular techs on the hangar deck. Sure, she was still often called up to the control room to deal with complex hacking jobs, but she had found that her happy place was the hangar, where things moved quickly and she could get her hands on all kinds of jobs, whether they be slicer or mechanic jobs.

And being in the hangar meant she had a higher chance of being asked to go into the field if so needed. After her first mission with Cassian, Jai initially wasn't let back out in the field; it took another month before they decided to send her on her first official job with a team that needed a tech for their mission. Since then, her away trips were still few and far between, but now she was finally getting the opportunity to do interesting tasks in the workshop.

Gar wasn't immediately willing to let Jai start working in the hangar full time. Like Cassian, he was hesitant about the seemingly disinterested slicer. But after Jai and Cassian returned from their Dennaskar mission, she pestered Gar regarding K-2SO's repairs, and Cassian at a later point commented on Jai's skill, so the head mechanic decided it was worth giving the rookie an opportunity to prove herself.

Gar realized quickly he was right to do so - Jai was obviously a great slicer, but what she was most passionate about was the mechanics of everything. He watched her tackle every complex task given to her with pleasure, a subtle though no-less-enthused eagerness to figure out how to fix or upgrade every piece of technology she could get her hands on. He had no reason to admit it out loud, as it was also far too early to say with total certainty, but Gar could see Jai taking over his job one day in the future if she continued to improve her expertise on droids.

Jai was underneath a console and inside one of the gunships' wiring when she heard her project partner call to her from where he stood on the back end of the ship, "Recruits are back; it's about time."

Jai hummed with only vague acknowledgment as she dragged herself out from under the console - she was a little too focused to really give the remark much thought.

Early that morning, a small group of recruits went out on their first serious mission, which was meant to be more of a training exercise, but Jai's partner had made some passing comment earlier that it seemed to be taking them longer than expected. Neither of them gave it much consideration beyond that, though, seeing as the job had nothing to do with them. Cassian was the captain on the training mission, which Jai didn't know until her partner had mentioned it, though there was no reason she needed to know it.

Since their mission together, Jai and Cassian had been on much better terms, though neither would go so far as to say they were friends. No one was friends with Cassian, that much Jai had figured out after these four months. The man liked to keep a distance from everyone, even those that he'd known for years. It was obvious he trusted everyone in the Alliance and that he cared about the people he worked with, even those he barely knew, but he always hesitated to let anyone in too close. That explained why a damn droid seemed to be his only friend.

"He's protecting himself." Miona had said one day when she and Jai both happened to have the time off, "Even with how distant he tries to be, he's still so empathetic, feels everything way more than he let's on. You've seen how affected he is whenever something happens to another rebel, even one he doesn't know well. He can't imagine how much more it would hurt if he actually let himself get any closer to these people."

"Sounds like you know him well." Jai responded with curiosity, to which Miona had simply shrugged.

"He spends a lot of time in medical." A smile pulled at her lips as Jai laughed lightly, unsurprised that one of the best captains in the Rebellion was prone to injury. He went on so many jobs one right after the other with little regard for rest in-between sometimes - that sort of rapid lifestyle was practically asking for injuries.

"So, you two are almost friends?" Jai grinned at the woman across from her.

"With Cassian, who knows."

As Jai retrieved her scramble key from where she had hooked it up to the pilot's computer, her partner hissed some kind of harsh, surprised word under his breath. With a raised brow, Jai turned around, assuming he had probably shocked himself or closed his finger in something while working on the panel at the back of the ship. But the man's attention was clearly trained outside of the ship, looking at something that caused his expression to knot with curious shock. Jai's own face mimicked the look on his as she turned back around to look out the cockpit windows, trying to find what the other technician was looking at.

The recruits were scrambling out of Cassian's U-Wing in distress, making way for two of them, one of which was carrying out another unconscious recruit while the other assisted their delirious and barely conscious captain. K-2SO exited behind the group as if he had been ignored.

Just like her partner, Jai hissed harshly as her eyes widened, turning to jump out of the cockpit and slip past her partner.

"Finish that up, would you?" She called over her shoulder to him as she began to briskly walk across the hangar to the mess of anxious recruits. Without withdrawing her eyes from her destination, Jai pulled out her comlink and called for Miona and another couple doctors to meet her down in the hangar. A second recruit had taken Cassian's free arm over his shoulder as Jai jogged the short distance that remained between her and them, "The hell happened?"

Despite her only being here a couple months longer than these recruits, she still managed to speak with a knowing authority, even if she didn't feel either knowing or authoritative in the matter. The wide eyes of the four unharmed recruits all turned to her.

"It was supposed to be an easy mission, but we messed up," one of them said frantically while running toward Jai, who hardly spared the other woman a glance as she quickly took in Cassian's appearance.

She brushed past to get a closer look at her acquaintance - he and the unconscious woman looked as if they had been doused in debri and soot, their skin and clothes stained dark with it. There was dried blood caked in Cassian's hair and down the side of his face, and his pants were torn across his right thigh, which would have revealed an injury if his skin and pant leg weren't absolutely dyed with his blood. Jai reached out and set a hand on Cassian's shoulder, tilting her head to see if the man was still aware enough to meet her gaze; it was immediately obvious he wasn't, his hooded eyes glazed over and staring vacantly at the ground. Jai spun around to look at the unconscious woman who appeared to be just as bad as, maybe even worse than, Cassian.

Jai's eyes jumped from one person to the next, stopping on one of the two men holding Cassian up, "Please tell me he had bacta spray on the ship."

The man nodded frantically, "We used all of it between the two of them."

"If you all had just listened to me, we wouldn't be in this predicament." K-2SO finally chimed up, drawing everyone's eyes over. Jai walked a couple of steps toward the tall droid, craning her neck to look into his face.

"What happened, Kay?" Jai asked firmly, knowing the droid would give her a better, albeit judgmental, explanation of what went wrong. Jai looked back at the group for a split second, her stare commanding, "Set him down somewhere carefully, medical's on their way."

She looked back up at Kay, "I told them it would be a trap, but they pushed forward anyway. And Cassian let them! He and Harin were practically blown to pieces!"

Jai turned back around again to look at Cassian as K-2SO continued. The captain had been sat on a crate with the two recruits remaining on either side of him to keep him propped upright. Jai spoke loud enough for K-2SO to hear, but she was speaking to herself with a nearly absent tone, "No one ever listens to droids…"

"And they're fools for it." Kay said firmly, obviously miffed to have been ignored on the job yet again.

Miona and two more doctors were there to meet the group a few minutes later, getting the two rebels situated into stretchers as Miona turned her attention onto Jai and K-2SO. The droid once more gave a short, disdainful explanation of what went down on this seemingly simple mission, not shy to let the recruits hear it.

As the other two doctors went onto the turbolifts without Miona, Jai looked back to Kay briefly, "Finish up with the recruits, I'll head to medical with Cassian."

Despite his face being expressionless, Jai felt as if Kay was questioning why she had any reason to go with the captain. And there really was no reason, seeing as she wasn't a part of this mission's team nor did she have any help to offer medically. Perhaps she was worried or curious, but maybe she felt she owed Cassian; after all, he was the one to bring her to Yavin 4 after she was shot, maybe this was a way to repay that favor. Whatever the reason, Jai didn't have to explain herself to a droid.

Jai and Miona started for the turbolift, and despite their shared concern for Cassian and the recruit (though they were confident the two would be fine), Miona grinned playfully while bumping Jai's shoulder with her own.

"If you keep disappearing during your shifts, Gar is gonna start getting pissy with you." Jai shot her friend a teasing glare as they boarded the lift.

"You skip one, maybe two shifts and suddenly you get a reputation for being a flake…" they shared a small laugh as the doors closed.

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Within a few days, Cassian was right as rain, the bacta working it's usual magic. Harin, his injured recruit, luckily wasn't in as bad a shape as he was after the blast, and she was able to leave medical in less than two days, not that Cassian had noticed. For the majority of the three days he was in the medical wing, he was unconscious and resting, the healing process far more effective with the patient remaining under.

After Miona had let Cassian's peers know he was awake, one of his fellow captains, Kinall, came to meet him once he felt well enough for conversation - Captain Kinall took over for him to finish up with the group of trainees, going over what went wrong on their first mission and how they were going to improve the next time they went out. Two of the newbies had already managed to join new missions, while the other two uninjured ones had yet to show an interest in heading back out, though they had said they were waiting so they could try again with Harin back at their sides.

Miona discharged Cassian at the end of his third evening in medical, telling him to wait at least another day before he went back out into the field - she wanted to ensure he felt completely present and sturdy before having to lead any more missions. Cassian promised her that he would do just that as he rose from his cot, his body sore from nearly seventy hours of disuse; he definitely needed one last day to feel as if he were back to normal, though he would have loved to immediately jump back into his U-Wing and head out as if nothing had happened.

As Cassian stepped out of the hospital wing, he was surprised to see Jai lingering in the hall near the entrance, talking with one of the other doctors. She didn't notice the captain as he paused and looked at her curiously, not quite able to clearly hear their conversation. Jai was there to get an update on Cassian's condition, Miona having informed her that morning that the rebel captain would probably be all good to leave medical by that evening. Since Cassian was brought into the hospital wing a few days back, Jai asked Miona for updates on his condition whenever the two women met for meal breaks.

Miona was admittedly surprised that Jai had cared enough to keep asking about Cassian; she made some passing comment about it during one of their dinners together, to which the second woman said simply, "He's an ass, but he's the ass that brought me here so I guess I owe him at least some concern."

Miona accepted the response without question, though the answer hadn't entirely squashed her curiosity.

Cassian realized after a few moments of staring that Jai and the doctor still didn't spot him across the hall, so instead of standing there dumbly, he walked over to them, the slightest of limps evident in his stiff right leg. Finally catching the movement out of the corner of her eye, Jai looked his way and quickly gave a kind and casual smile.

"Look who finally decided to wake up." She quipped, to which the corner of Cassian's lip tugged up lazily as his eyes slightly narrowed with good humor.

The doctor knew this would be the end of their conversation, as he was pretty sure Jai was only hanging around with him to ask questions about and to wait for the captain now in their presence, so he excused himself, "Remember to take it easy, Andor."

Cassian gave a nod as the doctor brushed past him and back into the medical wing. He and Jai watched the man go before turning back to one another, staring for just a moment - he wouldn't have expected her to be here. Hell, he hardly would have expected her to even hear about his injury at all - there were so many rebels here to keep track of, and Jai had to have been incredibly busy most days, so it would have made sense that Cassian being out of commission for a few days would have gone completely unnoticed by her. The fact that somehow she knew he was here was a surprise in itself.

Cassian gave a small gauche grin as he considered Jai's presence, his eyes drawing away from her - what did this say about the both of them, Jai being here and Cassian feeling a certain contentment at it? Even after they had resolved their issues three months ago, they rarely spent more than a few minutes together, and those instances were few and far between given how infrequently they crossed paths on the job. They hadn't gone on a mission together since Dennaskar, and neither felt friendly enough to seek out the other just casually, so what compelled Jai to come down to medical?

The woman had managed to grow on Cassian in some minor way, even in their far too brief interactions over these last few months. When they did see each other, Jai was usually doing a repair or an upgrade on something he needed, or the two happened to have a few overlapping minutes in the hangar where neither was tied up with something. Cassian spent very little free time in the common spaces of headquarters, and most of his meals he took in his room rather than hanging around the mess hall, giving the two no real time to get to know one another outside of the passing snide comments they threw at one another in the hangar.

But those short moments when they saw one another managed to be droll. Jai always had some witty comment to make, whether about Cassian or about someone else; and as quick as Cassian was to quip back, Jai always had more smart remarks lined up. Their relationship (or, really, lack thereof) had progressively gone from genuine scowls and rude remarks to mirthful glares and deprecating jests.

"What, Gar let you off shift, or did you just walk out early?" Cassian teased straight-faced, to which Jai scoffed; though, knowing the hour, he was sure her shift was over.

"I'll have you know I'm done for the day." She retorted - apparently it wasn't only Miona that thought Jai somehow managed to sneak away from the hangar workshop, and Jai wondered how that was becoming her reputation around here.

Cassian gave her a faint smirk before looking up the hall, flicking his eyes back to her as a silent indicator that he was going to leave, and she was free to walk with him if she wished. They fell into stride next to one another a moment later, "Were you over here to meet me?"

"Nope, I just love chatting up doctors, nothing puts me to sleep as quickly as conversation with one of them." Jai glanced up at Cassian with a sarcastic look as he smiled to himself, "Miona told me you'd be out tonight."

"And you thought I'd want yours to be the first face I saw?" He looked down to see the glare in her eyes at the quip, the way she bit the inside of her cheek as if a habit to stop herself from immediately snapping back.

"I won't hesitate to put you right back in that hospital wing." She lazily threatened after a moment, her eyes twinkling with mischief before they fell into a companionable silence.

When they reached the other end of the long hall where it forked to lead to either the mess hall or the barracks, they came to a brief pause, glancing to one another, wondering what the other wanted to do or intended to go next.

"You probably want to rest," Jai suggested, beginning to turn towards the barracks hall.

"I've been resting for three days," Cassian replied, but nonetheless followed Jai, "I don't think I'll be sleeping any time soon - I'll probably be up all night staring at the wall if I tried."

"Hm, your idea of fun sounds a little different than mine." Jai threw him a look over her shoulder as they passed through the passageway into a smaller hall. Cassian returned to walking alongside Jai; a few beats passed before she spoke up again, "You need some help staring at that wall of yours?"

Cassian looked down curiously, surprised at the offer for some company. Sure, they could make jokes when they passed in the ship hangar, but he and Jai didn't know each other like that - no one really knew Cassian well enough to simply hang out with him. Cassian didn't spend his free time with anyone else one-on-one, and he certainly never brought anyone back to his room.

Well, on rare occasions maybe he brought someone to his room, but that was for an entirely different reason…

And before he could even realize where his train of thought was heading, Cassian suddenly imagined Jai in a rather… compromising position. It was the briefest of thoughts, Cassian's eyes widening at it immediately as he quickly tried to shove it out of his head, but the impression was already left. His face twisted slightly as he glanced at Jai out of the corner of his eye, she completely oblivious to the odd change in his expression - where the hell did that stupid image come from?

Cassian gave his head a slight shake, forcing the thought to pass without giving it any more regard. As he looked back over to Jai casually, she, too, looked at him with a raised brow, about ready to dismiss her suggestion, interpreting Cassian's silence to be one of disinterest.

He quickly made a decision and replied, his tone casual as if nothing strange at all had even crossed his mind just a moment prior, "Staring at a wall is probably far more effective with two people."

Jai grinned at his reply, which was honestly not what she expected. The suggestion even surprised her a little, since neither of them had show much interest in getting to know one another, but it had slipped out, as if it were Jai's way of testing the waters with Cassian - if he agreed, maybe there was hope for their acquaintanceship, and if he turned her down, then Jai would know not to give the captain any more of her time outside of work. And when he did agree, more curiosity arose - maybe he was just as interested in testing on the waters as she was.

Winding their way through the grid of dorm halls, Jai suggested that they stop by her room to grab the bottle of Merenzane Gold that she had stashed in her minifridge, leading Cassian to ask when the hell she had time to pick some up and bring it back to the barracks. Their superiors didn't take much of an interest in what the rebels did with their free time, however, things such as alcohol were asked to be kept away from the private quarters, though for what reason no one really understood. Ask any rebel in the place if they had any drinks up in their dorms, and they were likely to say "obviously" as if it were nothing at all.

"What, are you gonna report me, Captain Andor?" Jai teased as she retrieved said bottle from her tiny dorm.

From where he stood in the doorway, Cassian eyed how plain and impersonal her room was, save for the absolute mess that was her desk, the top covered in tools, equipment, and electronics, much of which was unrecognizable because it was broken down into indiscernible pieces and parts.

They breezed out of the room without another remark toward the Merenzane Gold, which Jai carried openly in one hand without a care for the fact that others might see her with it; she knew no one was likely to say anything regarding it.

Just as Cassian had done in her room, Jai paused in the doorway of his once they finally reached it. Cassian's dorm was much further down the winding halls than Jai's, and she joked along the way that if she were trying to navigate them alone, she'd almost definitely get herself all turned around.

All of the rooms in the barracks were, for the most part, identical - same basic rectangle, same basic furnishings, same basic utilities. Jai had expected that maybe Cassian's would have been more personal than her own, given that he'd been on Yavin 4 far longer than she had. And yet, the room was practically bare and without any adornment. Disappointment pulled vaguely at Jai's expression as her eyes bounced around the room again as if expecting something to change. Jai had been to Miona's room, and to the room of Miona's girlfriend, both having some kind of personal touch - but Cassian's dorm looked just as newly inhabited as her own. In fact, Jai's looked more lived in than this one - at least her room had a bit of a mess, with her bed forever unmade, laundry piled just outside her closet, and one or two personal belongings lying about that she'd managed to grab during a recent visit to the Ring of Kafrene.

'He's been a soldier for twenty years.' Jai reminded herself. This life was the only one Cassian had ever known, and though it was perhaps a little melancholy, it was an explanation for why his room looked almost perfectly presentable. It was an explanation for why he kept people at arm's length, for why he was always so focused and so serious, for why he was so passionate and determined.

Cassian turned where he stood in the tiny kitchenette, having collected two glasses for them, his head tilting just a touch when he noticed Jai still stood in the doorframe, "What, do I need to invite you in?"

Jai gave a noncommittal eye roll and stepped into the room, hearing the door slide shut behind her. Cassian set the cups onto the small bar top and held his hand toward Jai, who closed the short distance between them and put the bottle of Merenzane into his outstretched palm. As he poured, Jai spun around and took a seat on the cramped couch (though, 'couch' was generous, as it was more like an oversized lounge chair); Cassian joined her a moment later, their knees bumping as he handed her a glass.

Jai took a long swig of the drink, pulling only a slight face at the burn of the alcohol in her throat. Cassian watched her casual chug with a nonplussed expression, the corners of his lips just starting to pull up in a small grin before he brought his glass to his own lips.

Jai turned her eyes back to him, "So, Kay tells me you tried to get yourself blown up."

Cassian's eyes narrowed over the rim of his glass, swallowing down the Merenzane that he'd begun to sip, "Does he?" Jai gave a noncommittal shrug, taking another drink from her glass as Cassian considered his mission from three days back, looking down to stare as his hands as they both clasped around his cup, "I should've seen that it was a trap."

Jai cleared her throat quietly, leaning forward to rest her chin in her hand and study Cassian's face for a moment, speaking nonchalantly, "No use stressing about it now, you all came out of it and got back here okay."

Cassian lifted his head to look at her with a serious stare, "But I should know better than to let something like that happen to rookies."

"We both could have been shot at any time on Dennaskar, you never seemed too worried about my safety there." There was nothing accusatory in her tone, in fact, it sounded as if she was even trying to be funny about it. Jai never blamed Cassian for what happened back in Juspus; she was just stating what she took to be facts.

Cassian huffed a small though unamused laugh, his brows raising in surprise at her presumption, "You think I wasn't concerned?"

He recalled that moment months ago when they were both thrown out of the speeder, how he frantically tried to search amongst the dust cloud and smoke for Jai, the panic pounding at his chest as he thought he had just gotten someone killed. That anxiety and self-hatred Cassian felt in the minute that he couldn't see his partner was something he was sure Jai had never known the likes of. When the air finally cleared and he spotted her across the road from him, he nearly didn't believe she came out of that alright, nearly didn't believe that she was mirroring him in the opposite alley trying to figure out how the hell they'd get out of there.

Did Jai really think he didn't care about what could have happened to her? No matter how much he had disliked her at the time, Cassian would have felt no less guilty if she lost her life because of him back on Dennaskar.

Cassian took a long swig from his glass, his eyes unblinking as they stayed trained on Jai, and that small action in itself already led Jai to doubt her earlier assumption about him, "I'm always worried. If I wasn't, countless people, including myself, would already be dead."

Jai tilted her head, staring back at Cassian carefully as an unexpected memory came flooding back to her, a phrase and a voice from years ago that by now rarely haunted her. She couldn't remember the last time she'd heard those particular words in her head, nor could she remember the last time she even heard them spoken out loud, though she could still tell someone the exact day that she last heard that voice. As a small frown dared to tug at her expression, her mind considering that familiar phrase, Jai turned her eyes away from Cassian, just beyond his head to stare into the kitchenette behind him.

"Guess there really is no courage without fear…" She muttered, the words so quiet that Cassian couldn't quite make out exactly what she said.

"What?" Cassian cocked his head, drawing back Jai's attention as she briefly nibbled on the inside of her lip.

"My, uh… dad told me that." She looked away again thoughtfully, her dark eyes looking off as if she were somewhere else, her brows pulled together slightly. But a moment later, she shook it off, her face straightening out as she looked back at Cassian, her somber tone disappearing - the memory hadn't upset her, not really, but it was completely unexpected and had simple knocked her off balance, "Pretty inspiring quote coming from some old slicer, huh?"

Cassian smirked, though the amusement didn't quite reach his eyes as he suddenly caught himself feeling curious about Jai and her past. He asked with a hint of humor in his voice, "Slicing was the family business?"

At that, Jai did give a small, genuine smile, "You could say that." She took another sip from her glass before continuing, "I guess Draven never talked to you about that, huh?"

"About what?"

"My history - before they were willing to recruit me they looked into my past as best they could. They didn't find much of anything, given that there's nothing really to be found, but I told them practically every damn thing about me."

Cassian shook his head, "No, he never said."

Jai hummed, knocking back the last of her drink and rising to her feet to go refill her glass. She turned back to Cassian and shook the bottle, silently asking if he wanted more, to which he nodded and held up his own half empty cup. Jai returned and filled both glasses, setting the bottle on the floor beside the couch as she sat back down.

She licked her lips, "Tillian's not my real name - it was the name of the guy on Kafrene that raised me. He was pretty notorious in the underbelly for being a talented slicer, taught me everything I know."

Cassian nodded, "So, he's not your father?"

Jai smiled a little at the question, though it wasn't entirely an amused one; she nibbled on her inner lip again, "What, you want the whole sob story?"

Maybe Cassian should have said no. He had gotten to know so many rebels through the years, got to know so much of their history. That made it sting so much more if one of them was lost in battle or on a mission, which was a count he had lost track of after all this time.

Cassian considered himself a strong man, but he was also an emotional man, which to him seemed like both a great strength and a terrible weakness simultaneously. He felt so connected to all of the rebels no matter how much or how little they interacted, which was a part of why he tried to keep them all at bay. Even if he didn't know a rebel well, Cassian almost always quickly felt as if he had bonded with them, a trait of his that could never simply be turned off or ignored. He had learned to try not to get to know anyone too well through the years, and yet here he sat with Jai, ready to hear her entire life story if she was willing to share it.

So, despite his usual precaution, Cassian lifted his glass and gave it a little shake so that Jai would turn her black eyes to look at it, "So long as we have something to drink, I'll listen to whatever you want to tell me."

He gave Jai a reassuring smirk, which she then reciprocated before drinking from her glass, "Then buckle up, Andor." She paused briefly to consider where to start, "Tillian wasn't my dad, but he took care of me and a few other kids through the years. He tried to teach us all how to slice, and this buddy of his, Vinis, taught us how to steal, how to do business. They were criminals, but they were good guys."

They each took another sip of their drinks, "My… siblings, you could call them, were way better thieves than me, but I really picked up on slicing and mechanics. Got my first scramble key when I was ten." She dug into one of the inner pockets on her jacket to retrieve her current scramble key, "The first one was complete garbage, fucking ancient thing that Tillian had lying around. He had someone bring me this new one a couple years later, once he saw how serious I was about it, and I've been upgrading it ever since."

Cassian smiled with interest, reaching out and taking the scramble key from her hand without considering whether she was even offering for him to hold it or not. But Jai didn't say a thing, allowing the tool to be pulled from between her fingers, and so he studied it.

If he didn't already know what it was, Cassian may have guessed the key to be some kind of datapad, though its dimensions were unlike any datapad he had ever seen; the scramble key was about the length and width of Jai's hand, as if it were designed to fit into her small palm, and Cassian knew from witnessing her use it that the screen slid out to the side to reveal small buttons and tools underneath. Cassian spun it in his hand for a few moments, he's eyes roaming over where shiny new pieces of metal met with old, faded ones, where it was scuffed or even dented from such extensive use through the years.

Finally, he gingerly handed it back.

As Jai pocketed the device, he asked, "What are your siblings doing these days?"

"One of em helps Vinis run a shop back on Kafrene, the other left the colony a couple years back - met some guy who promised him the world, so he ran off with him. We haven't heard from him since." Jai's eyes turned down with irked disappointment, the arguments she and her brothers had about the situation still fresh in her mind even two years later. But she quickly shook off the feeling and the look on her face, telling herself she had moved on from that pain, even if realistically she knew she still hadn't.

"Does the other one know you're here?" Cassian hadn't realized that he nearly finished his glass until he looked down at it, so he knocked back the last of it and set it aside, telling himself that was enough for now, not interested in getting himself drunk on his first night out of the hospital.

Jai looked a little more chipper as she recalled her other brother, giving Cassian a small nod, "I was able to go back to Kafrene a month ago to check in on him and Vinis - they were a little shocked to hear I went and joined the Rebellion."

The two smiled at how strange it was to recall their meeting four months back, when Jai believed she could go on with or without the Rebellion in her life and when Cassian believed she was some useless, good-for-nothing slicer. It was incredible how much could change in just the matter of a few short months.

"And what about Tillian, does he know?"

Jai's expression straightened out, but she didn't look sad or hurt the way she had when talking about her older brother just a minute prior. She looked like she had accepted this disappointment long ago, and could even look back fondly on life before that disappointment, "He died when I was sixteen. He'd been sick for a while, so we all knew it would happen eventually." She smirked while recalling a memory, "Till always refused to see doctors, claimed all the ones on Kafrene were shit… and he wasn't wrong. My arm is still fucked up from being reset by one of them when I was eight."

Jai finished her second glass now, too, but she absently refilled it as if it were a reflex, something she simply did without considering it. Cassian watched as she lifted the cup up to her lips, staring at her with continued curiosity. He nearly went to pick up his own empty glass up off the floor to keep up with her, but he made no move to grab it.

"How'd you end up with Tillian?" Jai paused as she was lowering her glass, her head slightly cocking. The question made her realize they had only been talking about her this entire time, and she gave a slight grimace - she hated to hog the conversation like that. Jai didn't mind talking about herself, but she didn't like only talking about herself.

Jai lowered her glass to rest atop her knee, her index finger soundlessly tapping against it as she looked back at Cassian, "We've talked about me way too much and you too little."

Cassian's face dropped just slightly before he tried to evade her implication, "What, hacking the computers and reading a file on me wasn't enough?"

Jai laughed through her nose while rolling her eyes, giving Cassian a look as she lazily pointed at him in defense, "Hey, I only skimmed that."

Though she managed to make him grin, Cassian still tried to deflect, "There's nothing to know. I've been a soldier my whole life, and nothing interesting ever happens to me."

"Says the guy who was just in medical for three days because he was nearly blown up." Jai laughed, taking a long swig from her glass.

Despite himself, Cassian smiled at the woman, noticing from the color in her face and the glassiness of her eyes that the Merenzane was taking effect. Jai finished off this glass far faster than the earlier two and set it down beside the bottle near her feet before readjusting in her seat. She pulled her legs up underneath her, causing her knees to slightly crowd Cassian, but she didn't seem to notice. Jai propped her elbow onto the back of the couch and used her fist as a resting place for her cheek as she decided her next approach.

"How about we trade a question for a question?" She looked into Cassian's eyes hopefully as he considered the request. Briefly, he wondered if he could simply keep avoiding her inquiries, but Cassian had a feeling that would stir up some trouble between them, and right now he felt too relaxed to let a fight interrupt this strange budding friendship.

So, he gave a single nod, "Fine, but don't get too nosy."

He pointed a finger at her as if for emphasis, causing Jai to giggle. Cassian was nearly taken aback by the unexpected sound, so unlike her usual mocking laughs, higher than her usual tone of voice, and he couldn't resist the smile that pulled at his lips.

"Alright," Jai thought for a brief moment before deciding to start simple, "Where are you from?"

"Fest, Outer Rim." He replied without missing a beat, "You probably haven't heard of that one either?"

Jai shook her head as she smirked, "I barely know what's in the Expansion Region, and I fucking lived there for eighteen years."

Cassian grinned smally at her reply, deciding his first question from what she just said, "Where were you from before Kafrene?"

"No idea." Jai said plainly and rather carelessly, to which Cassian pulled a confused expression, obviously rearing to ask for an explanation. Jai lifted her finger up to stop him, "Ah, my turn to ask, you'll have to wait till the next round." Cassian rolled his eyes, "When did you join up with the Rebellion?"

Cassian paused to consider it for a moment, trying to recall the year - though he had become a child soldier at six, those first years weren't directly related to the Alliance. But a lot of circumstances and events blurred together, so for a long second he tried to map out the timeline in his head, "I had to have been about thirteen, give or take."

Cassian's eyes looked away from Jai, falling onto the bottle near her feet. Despite deciding earlier that a glass and a half was enough Merenzane, he was beginning to rethink that if Jai was going to start asking more prying questions. So, he leaned forward to grab for it, setting his right hand atop Jai's knee to steady himself as he scooped it up. As Cassian sat back up, Jai snatched the bottle mischievously, taking a sip straight from it before grinning at Cassian and holding it back out to him. As he took it back, a matching grin on his face, his hand lingered on Jai's knee. As he copied the woman, forgetting his glass entirely and taking his own swig straight from the bottle, Cassian realized where his hand was still lying, and so he pulled it back slowly, fingers briefly trailing along her thigh while they met eyes.

"So, why don't you know where you're from?" Cassian asked as he relaxed into the seat, turning as best he could on the cramped couch so that he was facing Jai with his back against the stiff armrest.

Jai puckered her lips to the side as she thought about her answer, her eyes dancing around the room for a moment as if she could find just the right words somewhere along the walls, "I can't really remember anything about all that, I was too young - everything I know is what Tillian has told me."

Absentmindedly, Jai lifted her head off of the hand she was propping it on, and walked the hand along the back of the couch, up onto Cassian's right shoulder for a brief moment, before trailing her fingers back towards herself, all the while her eyes had still been drifting around the room. At the unexpected contact, Cassian pulled a puzzle, though nonetheless amused, look, but it appeared as if Jai hadn't even been aware of her hand - was that a normal odd habit, or a drunken one?

"I've never known my age for sure, but Tillian said I was almost definitely five when he found me. I think he actually knew my exact age and who I was before he found me… I mean, he was one of the best slicers in the Expansion Region, he could have found that info whenever he wanted. I don't know why he wouldn't have told me, though." Jai's black eyes finally drifted back to Cassian, "He saved me from smugglers who were in Kafrene at the time. They could make a pretty penny off of child slaves, apparently. Tillian was a part of a group on the Ring that had been trying to stop them for a while, and they finally did on the mission he found me."

Cassian wasn't at all prepared for the answer he was given, and Jai managed to leave him speechless. She took in his expression, which was one she had seen on the faces of others many times before, and waved her hand dismissively as if she could wipe it right off.

"Don't look at me like that, you can't be hurt by something that you don't even remember." She took the bottle from his hand.

"It's just… shocking." After taking her sip, Jai handed the bottle back to Cassian, who looked as if he had a dozen more questions that her story had spawned, but he refrained from asking any of them quite yet.

"Hm…" Now that Jai had begun to give in to the buzz of the alcohol, every little movement she made was something new and unexpected for Cassian. She pursed her lips nearly every time she paused to think, her eyes couldn't appear to stay focused on one spot for more than a second, and her left hand seemed to have a mind of its own as it kept moving along the back of the couch, though it had yet to wander up onto his shoulder again. Even her eyes seemed a little larger as they danced around the room, though they didn't look as if they'd opened any wider than before - it was a look akin to innocence that had changed her face so noticeably, "… How'd you get stuck with a droid as your partner in crime?”

Cassian laughed, unexpectedly delight in the question. That had to be the alcohol getting to him as well, "Ran into him last year during a mission on- wait, you wouldn't know." Jai laughed at the way he cut himself off - Cassian was right, she probably wouldn't recognize the name of the planet he was about to mention, "We managed to wipe most of his programming during a fight, and he got me off that planet safely. Since then a partnership just… worked with him, and I never thought to question it. Maybe it says something about me that I spend most of my time with a reprogrammed Imperial droid."

"It says that your social skills need some fucking work." Jai said with a big laugh, clearly finding herself to be something of a comedian. Though Cassian rolled his eyes, he too let out an unworried laugh.

"My social skills are fine." He retorted, bringing the bottle back to his lips; he realized just how much lighter the bottle was now than it had been when they first sat down.

Jai glanced at him doubtfully, "I'm sure Kay would beg to differ."

Cassian shot her a narrow eyed look, causing Jai to giggle again. Cassian surprised himself as he thoughtlessly reached over with his free hand to give Jai's shoulder a good-natured shove, which pulled another laugh out of her as she reached out and shoved him back. Her hand lingered on his shoulder then glided down onto the top of his bicep, her smile large as she looked at Cassian's relaxed expression.

Cassian couldn't immediately recall a time when he felt this calm. He was always so careful to avoid letting his guard down, and yet Jai made it far too easy. And bringing along that Merenzane Gold certainly helped. Maybe that was her plan all along, and maybe he played right into it. But Cassian couldn't deny how freeing it was to just forget his worries and stress, to relax with an acquaintance - no, maybe she was almost a friend - and actually live like a twenty-six year old for a little while.

Cassian's own age shocked him at that very moment - only twenty-six years old, and yet he easily felt like he was double his age. What was it like to be a twenty-six year old man that didn't constantly carry the weight of the galaxy on his shoulders? To be twenty-six and to have some kind of normal job where he left at a reasonable hour and went home to an apartment rather than a barracks dorm. To be twenty-six and have normal relationships, friends that he saw regularly and didn't fear to open up to. To be twenty-six and for his greatest concern to be whether to go out or stay in on his free evenings.

But that wasn't Cassian's life, and he had accepted that. He didn't allow himself moments to question it or to doubt it, moments to feel some sort of severe existential crisis where he wondered if he had wasted his entire life away on a hopeless cause. No, Cassian couldn't allow himself to have those moments. He knew what he was, he knew what he was fighting for, and he knew that it was worth all of his efforts. And he's never had any reason to doubt that.

Cassian was stirred from his thoughts as he felt the Merenzane bottle being pried from his fingers, blinking at Jai who hadn't seemed to notice he zoned out. Or maybe she was just pretending she hadn't noticed. She shook the bottle as she assessed the weight, shooting Cassian a look.

"You owe me a Merenzane Gold," She said cheekily while putting her mouth on the lip of the bottle and knocking back the last of the alcohol.

Cassian blew air out between his lips as he narrowed his eyes at the woman with a shake of his head, "It was your idea to bring it."

He realized Jai's hand was still on his arm, comfortably resting there with no intention of moving; he stared down at her hand for a few long moments with a raised brow.

"Well, I'll know better than to make that mistake next time." Jai laughed to herself, her hand squeezing his arm just slightly as her drunken eyes wandered around the room again.

"Oh, you think there'll be a next time?" Cassian grinned as Jai looked back toward him, narrowing her eyes and pursing her lips just a little.

"I'm sure there will be." She answered confidently. Her eyes widened suddenly as she perked up, her hand finally sliding off of Cassian's arm. A part of him nearly missed the touch, but that thought disappeared just as quickly as it had come to him, "Oh! It's your turn." Cassian gave her a confused look, to which Jai rolled her eyes, "To ask a question."

Cassian had completely forgotten the game after Jai's last question, which had only happened a few minutes ago, right? Maker, he was tipsier than he thought.

Cassian's brows furrowed together as he thought for a moment, trying to remember what he had already asked - did he have any other questions? Jai already told him so much, he wasn't sure what was left to ask about. Or maybe that was the alcohol causing him to forget the line-up of questions he had already planned out.

"I… can't think of anything."

"How boring." Jai teased as she rolled her eyes, resting her hands on her knees and leaning toward him a little, "There are a million questions we could ask one another and you can't think of one more?"

"I don't like your tone." Cassian teased back with surprising ease, getting another weak shove to his shoulder. His eyes brightened slightly as an idea came to him, "Here, I've got one: what would you like me to ask you?"

"Cassian, that is not a real question." Jai giggled around his name.

"What's not real about it?" His smile was surprisingly large as he asked, raising his hands in a near shrug, "You never establish any rules about the kinds of questions we could ask."

"Well, I'm establishing the rule now," Jai lifted her hand and motioned downwards roughly with her index finger, the gesture indicating that she was putting her foot down on the subject, "You cannot ask that question again."

Without missing a beat, Cassian asked, "Okay, here's my next one: what questions would you like me to not ask?"

Jai made an exasperated sound as she smacked Cassian's shoulder again, falling into a brief giggle fit as she did so. Cassian smiled contently at the woman before him, feeling an unexpected, foreign warmth in his chest.

'How could I have hated her?' He thought as Jai composed herself. Cassian's face sobered suddenly at this unrecognizable solicitude he had toward her in that moment - how could he both love and hate a feeling at the exact same moment? This warmth that he felt, this untrouble casualness… it made him feel vulnerable. Anxious. Cassian didn't let himself feel these things, and yet here he was with a complete disregard for the wall that he kept up so firmly around himself.

What was he doing?

"I have a question for you, Cassian." Jai started again, the man's anxiety going completely unnoticed by the drunk woman.

Did she really not see the nerves in his eyes? No, she couldn't have - Cassian studied her expression for a moment and was certain she was just drunk enough to be oblivious to the small crisis he had right there in front of her. It was better that she didn't notice - it meant he didn't have to explain himself, that she wouldn't ask prying questions on the subject.

Jai took a deep breath, as if what she was about to say next was of severe importance and required her utmost focus. Cassian tried to pull himself together as he awaited the question, "Did we become friends tonight?"

A nonplus expression crossed Cassian's face, being entirely unprepared for that type of question. What a drunk thing to ask. It nearly made him sigh in relief, though - he'd rather get a drunken question than anything else, even if the drunken question was still something he didn't want to answer. Better that it was asked now rather than when Jai was sober.

Nonetheless, Cassian paused as he considered how to answer her - it made him anxious again to consider what he was supposed to say to that. Jai stared at him with patient eyes, and the look made him tear his own eyes away to try to focus, though the feeling of her gaze on him was palpable and hard to ignore.

"Do you think we did?" He finally asked, dragging his gaze back towards her slowly. Jai narrowed her eyes comically at him as she unexpectedly clapped her hand down atop his thigh as if rearing to reprimand him yet again. As Cassian glanced down at the woman's hand, her fingers gave a slight squeeze while she leaned forward just a little.

"You're avoiding the question… but yes." Jai smiled while pulling back from him, slouching a little against the arm of the couch, "Apparently, you don't have friends. But I think you consider every single person here a friend and you just don't want to admit it. You're way too emotional to be a guy that doesn't have friends."

Jai's observation left Cassian momentarily stunned, he even pulled back just a little with how unexpected it was. She smiled at his reaction, interpreting it as confirmation that what she just said was accurate, humming to herself as she absentmindedly started looking around Cassian's room again.

Jai knew she needed to sleep soon. Even drunk, she always knew when she was about to crash. In fact, being drunk actually helped her, or so she claimed - drunk Jai was more aware of herself than sober Jai, at least when it came to her body's wants and needs. And right now, she could feel herself coming down from the height of the alcohol spike, which meant any minute now she'd want to curl up into bed and have the best sleep of her life. The fact that she had to be up and working tomorrow was completely forgotten.

"I'm gonna go now." She said simply with chipper in her tone, to which Cassian's brow furrowed as if he'd been thrown for a loop.

"Okay?" Was she bored of him? Or had she simply said her piece and decided that was the perfect moment to retreat, to leave him to ponder what she just said?

Upon noticing the look on her friend's face, Jai explained quite simply, "I'm tired."

"Oh." Cassian nodded, noticing that he too was beginning to feel sleep behind his eyes despite the fact that he had been resting for two and a half days. He straightened up a little to stretch out his back, trying to collect his thoughts as he heard his spin crack, "Let me walk you back."

"No," Jai drawled as she patted his knee, "I'm good."

She sprang up, arms sticking out slightly on either side of her for balance. She blinked a couple of times as she felt her head spin from how quickly she moved - did she just wobble on her feet, or was that feeling just in her head? Regardless, the slight dizziness she felt was telling.

"On second thought," She started, turning to Cassian and holding her hand out toward him to help him rise to his feet, "I could use your help; I'll probably get lost out there."

Cassian smirked at the woman's quick change in attitude, eyeing the outstretched hand in front of him before pushing himself off of the couch without her help. As Jai's arm flopped back down to her side, Cassian carefully stretched his arms above his head, not noticing the way Jai's eyes seemed to zero in on the flash of his abdomen when his shirt lifted with the motion. After collecting his bearings, Cassian looked back to Jai and motioned towards the door.

"Alright, let's go." He instructed, keeping a careful eye on the way the woman began to walk - she was a little shaky, but she seemed steady enough. That was good - last thing he wanted was to get stuck carrying Jai to her room.

As they exited Cassian's dorm, he remained a couple steps behind Jai, continuing to monitor the way she walked. After wandering down the hall silently for a minute, Jai paused to turn back toward him, raising a brow.

"Walk up here with me." She instructed, and Cassian hesitantly obliged. As they started forward again side-by-side, Jai moved a little closer so that their shoulders were bumping with almost every step they took. Cassian tried not to think about it too much.

A few minutes later, they were at Jai's room, Cassian pausing in the doorframe to make sure Jai made it inside okay. Jai spun on her heels to look up at the man, giving him a tired smile which Cassian couldn't help but reciprocate.

"Tonight was good." She said happily, "Who knew you could actually be fun?"

Cassian teasingly rolled his eyes, quipping, "Who knew you could be tolerable?"

Jai scoffed mockingly, giving his pec a light push, "You still need to learn how to socialize."

Cassian simply nodded to appease her, looking back over his shoulder and out into the hall; he didn't expect anyone to pass by based on the hour, and evening shift change wouldn't be for another few hours. Maybe he was just trying to avoid Jai's surprisingly intense eyes.

"Get some sleep," He started, looking back down at her, "I'm sure you have an early call time tomorrow."

Jai's expression dropped quickly as she gave a dramatic groan, her eyes glaring tiredly at Cassian, "I hate you."

He huffed out a laugh while sticking his hands into his pockets, "I'm not the one that made you drink, that was your own bad idea."

Jai continued to frown up at him, but begrudgingly she knew he was right. She was going to be in for a shit morning.

"Night, Jai." Cassian took one step back into the hallway, looking in either direction once more. When he looked back at the woman in front of him, she reached forward, her small hand securing itself around his wrist. Cassian froze, brows perking just slightly as he looked down at their point of contact before finding her eyes again.

"Cass…" Despite himself, the nickname nearly gave him goosebumps.

What the hell was that about? He could feel that bubble again in his chest, that conflicting warmth and anxiety battling it out as his heart drummed just a little bit louder. Neither he nor Jai moved as they stared at one another, Cassian with an expectant yet edgy look, Jai with an indiscernible one.

Jai smiled. Kindly, genuinely, and with that carefree contentment that only a drunk person could ever have in a moment like this. And then she let go, her fingertips trailing Cassian's wrist for a brief moment and causing his hand to twitch unexpectedly. Jai stepped back into her room as she lifted her hand in a lazy wave.

"Good night." Her tone was just above a whisper as she turned into the room, her door sliding closed behind her and leaving Cassian to stare where she had just been standing.

For a beat, Cassian was frozen in front of her door, staring at it with furrowed confusion. He did not like this foreign sensation in his chest, didn't trust it and didn't want it. He should have been smarter than to let Jai over for drinks, and yet his curiosity led him to doing it anyway.

Cassian would be absolutely lying to himself if he said he didn't have fun. This was one of the most relaxed evenings he's had in Maker knows how long. But he shouldn't have let either of them drink.

As Cassian started back up the halls towards his own room, he couldn't help but smile to himself, despite the anxiety nagging at his thoughts - he and Jai would forget this evening, what was there to worry about? Neither of them would forget it in its entirety, especially not Cassian, but by the time he woke up in the morning any of the stress Jai had caused him would be gone from his memory. Or so he told himself.

Back in his dorm, Cassian returned to the sofa to collect the forgotten glasses and empty Merenzane Gold bottle, setting them in the sink to deal with later. He leaned his rear against the counter as he crossed his arms, eyes looking about his small room absentmindedly. For a moment, he recalled the way he and Jai had so seamlessly teased one another, how she laughed, how she openly revealed her life and openly listened to the admittance of his own. It was strange and unfamiliar to Cassian to share so blatantly - if anything about his past ever came up, generally he tried to be as vague as possible. But Jai was without hesitation, comfortable with sharing as if she never had to question whether or not her past would be used against her. Cassian wasn't quite so familiar with that feeling.

Once again, he found himself wondering how he could have ever hated her - his first impression was far from the reality of what kind of a person Jai was, what kind of layers she actually had beyond her initial persona. He wondered just how poor his own impression on her was, and wondered why she'd even be willing to give Cassian a second chance when he was so damned hesitant to give her the same.

Cassian felt another rush of that conflicting chill and heat as he realized that right now was the first moment that he knew without a doubt that he could trust Jai completely.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Trust [truhst]

noun

reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing

confident expectation of something; hope

verb

to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something: to trust in another's honesty

to have confidence; hope

#cassian andor #cassian andor x original character #cassian andor x oc #cassian andor x reader #diego luna #rogue one #rogue one fic #rogue one fanfiction #star wars #star wars fic #ca #fics #fics*#saudade

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fizzingwizard · 4 years

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Alright, so, Digimon Adventure 2020 Episode 12: Castle in the Sky Laputa!

I mean, I, Guardromon...

... Bicentennialmon?

well, any of the three works :P

Right off the bat, I’ll say this ep gets a ‘meh’ from me, BUT I did love its aesthetic. I’m a big fan of robot stories, especially the Asimov variety. Scrap heap robots are my absolute favs. And I did like the Ghibli vibe going on too. The episode was pretty, and the robot characters were cool... it just wasn’t very fun. At the very least, I was expecting team Taichi/Koushirou/Mimi to be a bit more fun than Yamato/Sora/Jou, but I guess this ain’t 1999 anymore ;)

^The most amusing bit was finding out Koushirou’s laptop can fold like this... which, okay, shouldn’t surprise me, it just looks frigging weird...

me: DO YOU KNOW HOW TO USE A KEYBOARD???

koushirou: hush old lady, your first laptop was grayscale only and had Windows 3.1 installed.

Actual content relevant to the episode below...!

We had a promising start when last week’s episode ended on a cliffhanger... or a cliffdropper, I guess, because Mimi’s not hanging onto anything. She’s fallen down and landed on Palmon. Digimon can sure take a beating.

Palmon reaches to see if she can hoist them back up, but...

... it’s too high! Oh well, no choice but to travel on foot. Good thing Mimi landed on Palmon!

Meanwhile, above, Taichi and Koushirou turn to his computer for help. Unfortunately they have some technical difficulties.

Koushirou: Noooo, not the swirling of doom!! My immortal nemesis...

Even Taichi understands that buffering spells death. He’s a 21st century kid, so he’s a little more savvy about computers than 99 Taichi, whose trusty recourse in these situations was "treat the machine like a Bop-It.”

Mimi discovers they are in a Digimon scrap heap. ;_; Good heavens. Apparently robot Digimon are unlike organic (??) Digimon same as robots are different from humans, so the way they die is not quite the same either.

Mimi feels sorry for these trashed creatures. She’s no cold-hearted corporate goon who looks at these guys and just sees dollars. She notices the heart!

She also just wiped that rusty Guardromon’s helmet with her bare hand...

Mimi: Where’s Sora-san when I need a towel!!

Andromon makes his 2020 debut! And he’s just as much the pawn of evil as ever!

Boxing Cactus Go-go-go!!

Togemon gets her prickly hiney owned, but the Guardromon suddenly reanimates and protects her instead. His big strategy is “drop something heavy on Andromon and run away.” It’s super effective.

Who wants to translate the digicode, because I’m not gonna. Ten bucks says it’s something like “target human child exterminate” yadda yadda

When Koushirou’s computer fails, we must rely on our physical skills. Their big plan is “climb down the bottomless pit after Mimi.” There are a few things wrong with this picture:

1) Even if they know how deep the hole is, IT’S STILL QUITE A FALL. Make one wrong move and you’ll be useless to Mimi T_T And these idiots make plenty of wrong moves.

2) If there were handholds like these, why couldn’t Palmon have just grabbed them with her vines and carried Mimi up? Instead she was like, “Nah, can’t reach the top, let’s walk in a random direction and hope things work out!”

3) The Guardromon is taking Mimi to an elevator. Meaning there is a working elevator, meaning there is a way down that would significantly decrease their chances of DYING on the way. Koushirou’s computer can’t figure that out? Also I was expecting some hijinks there... like, they finally make it down only for Mimi to say “Why didn’t you just take the elevator like I did? Boys are weird.”

In his defense, Koushirou’s method of descent is worlds better than Taichi’s.

Hate to say I told you so...

Guardromon takes Mimi to some suspicious water which she uses to nurse Palmon... with a towel

Guardromon presents Sheeta Mimi with a flower to convey that he likes killing pretty delicate things :) run Mimi

The Laputa vibe... it is vibing.

We cut away to Yamato/Sora/Jou for thirty seconds just to point how much Better they’re doing than Taichi’s group. They’ve even realized how that basket was, who needs to put in all that work when we can all fit comfortably on a log! Sora and Yamato flirt. Jou’s going to be sick.

Taichi and Koushirou encounter some broken Solarmon who are being controlled by Soundbirdmon, so I guess it’s official now that we can’t believe any Digimon is truly evil if Soundbirdmon is around. Koushirou goes to help Mimi while Taichi stays behind to fend off these gears. Uh, is it just me or does this team seem very quick to split up.

I like the way Guardrmon cradles Mimi so all we can see is her shocked expression.

Guardromon tries his tried and true method of shooting down something heavy to crush Andromon...

... but Andromon’s like “hah! Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!” and knocks it away. Not very effective...

Guardromon’s guarded his last mon... he starts to go... offline I guess...

In sweeps Kabuterimon to the rescue. In 99 Adventure, he’d have something witty to say, or at least a pun. 2020 Kabuterimon mostly likes to make weird noises. I understand why Agumon and Gabumon’s VA’s were calling him a “weirder uncle than ever” at Digifes...

Obligatory Best Boy cap

Hell Approacheth

Wow!!! Taichi finally got knocked off Greymon! He must have forgot to put on his suction cup shoes today!

So this entire episode, I was wondering what was to stop MetalGreymon from happening and stealing the show from Lillymon. I expected “Agumon just evolved recently and doesn’t have the juice to do it again so soon!” or some such. Nothing more than that. But, nah, we don’t even get that... MetalGreymon happens and he just... can’t... beat Andromon? For some reason? I’m going with “Because he’s Andromon.” Afterward, this very heavy structure falls down and MetalGreymon has lift it a la Atlas to keep Taichi from getting squished, so he can’t continue to beat on Andromon.

... Of course, Togemon gets stuck holding this thing up too... so there’s that...

The reason, of course, is so Guardromon can make one last action surge, grabbing Andromon’s leg, which works, randomly. At least for a moment.

Mimi spends most of this episode being Shocked.

Guardromon takes one final, grainy look at Mimi as he prepares for sweet death. The digicode says “Sheeta.” (kidding like I’d bother to translate it lol)

Andromon RUDELY stomps on his head. Like HELLO Andromon can you not see the dude is having a moment here? Show some respect!

Mimi sheds a Single Emo Tear

Which causes “Your sorrow made me evolve!” Lillymon. She immediately flies out to attack Andromon, leaving MetalGreymon alone holding the heavy metal structure, which promptly crushes him and our heroes. Game Over!

just kidding, the structure just vanishes I guess :/ It’s not very clear...

High kick attack!

It’s not very effective...

Lillymon does seem to have an ability that MetalGreymon doesn’t which cinches her victory over Andromon... her rain of petals interfere with his ability to lock on to a target. Too much organic matter everywhere I guess.

Lillymon covers Andromon in plants rendering him immobile...

... *cough*

Poor Mimi’s had a hard day of watching robots die.

Her affinity for marking graves returns as she leaves the flower Guardromon gave her on his corpse(?).

Taichi looks only sadly as Koushirou explains that Andromon and Guardromon were totes besties, until Soundbirdmon started mindcontrolling everyone. Gee that seems like something that could have been an interesting plot point had it been mentioned y’know earlier.

In sum... yeah, this ep just isn’t fun. There’s no friend moments, no getting to know each other, everything takes a backseat to this robot-protect-girl storyline. I really did like Guardromon, but the episode takes itself way too seriously in my opinion.

That aside... I was happy that Mimi’s episode didn’t involve stinky ugly Digimon falling in love and stalking her so she can passionately reject them. I can live without both of those things.

Mimi having the ability to project feelings onto supposedly nonfeeling things is a very Mimi-like character trait for her and one that I really truly love. It’ll definitely come in handy in the digital world where all is never how it seems. On the other hand, though, it’s not like it’s a trait we didn’t have already... it just belonged mainly to Hikari :P So... yeah.

Next week we’re going to get Garudamon, in a way that looks like it will pale compared to our first meeting with Garudamon in 99 Adventure, BUT that’s okay... because we’ve got plenty of time for the Big Important things to happen, both on a plot level and on a character development level. I am a little wtf??? about everyone getting not one but two evolutions within the same adventure - assuming the kids are going to go home at some point and finally put Tokyo out of its misery. I’d expected this show would be more like 02 with the kids jumping in and out, but tbh I’m not gonna be sad if they just stay in the digital world indefinitely. Also, it’s not like Taichi didn’t get both an evolution and a jogress the first time he came to the digital plane, so obviously things are just working differently in this show!

But as it’ll be a Sora episode, I just hope it’s an improvement on the last Sora episode. There’s plenty of potential following the mini tiff between her and Yamato last week, so i hope we see some follow up to that. Maybe a couple Sorato moments. We didn’t get anything for Taishiro this week :( But since it looks like probably next week the groups are still separated, perhaps the week after we’ll get MegaKabuterimon and see more interaction between Taichi and Koushirou then. *shrug* A girl can dream!

Anyway this ep gets 5.5/10 from me!

#digimon adventure 2020 #digimon adventure reboot #digimon psi #psi spoilers #fizz watches digimon 2020 #digimon

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general-rusty · 4 years

Text

Hazbin AU Swap

Alastor the host to hell's 6th most popular radio station, out got of him apartment to see the ruins from his balcony. He clears his throat and started to sing.

Chasing Happiness ♪ At the end of the journey there's happiness ♪ ♪ And to find it, how often I’ve tried ♪ ♪ But my life is a race ♪ ♪ Just a wild goose chase ♪ ♪ And my hopes, they were just a lie♪ ♪ Why have I always been a failure ♪ ♪ What could the reason be ♪ ♪ I wonder if the world's to blame ♪ ♪ I wonder if it could be me ♪ ♪ I'm always looking for hope♪ ♪ searching them with my tears♪ ♪ My schemes are just like all my dreams ♪ ♪ Ending every year♪ ♪ Some fellows look and find the sunshine ♪ ♪ I always look and find the rain ♪ ♪ Some fellows make a winning sometime ♪ ♪ I never even make the game ♪ ♪ Believe me ♪ ♪ I'm always looking for hope♪ ♪ Waiting to find the happiness♪ ♪ In vain ♪

In the streets of Hell

A Demon falls from the sky and lands on the ground. "Oh, I’m alive. I’m alive!" He said

A motorcycle runs him over and stop to drop off a leatherjacket wearing Niffty. "Heh. Thanks for the fun time, hot stuff." A male raccoon demon said.

"Yeah, yeah, listen. Keep this discreet, hear me? I can’t let it get out I’m offering my services to creeps on the street. It was a quick cash grab, ya got it?" Niffty said

The Raccoon scoffs, "Whatever you say, slut!" He laughs

"Ouch, ooh, such an insult! Let me know when you come up with something creative to call me you sack of poorly packaged horse shit. Tell the mrs' I said hi. Schnookums." Niffty quipped

The motorcycle rides off

Niffty brush the dust off of herself. A hooded demon grab the cash out of Niffty's hand "Yoink!"

"Hey!" Niffty shouted

"Up yours, midget!" The hooded demon shouted. A rock falls onto the hooded demon.

Niffty gasps, "Oh my god! My money! Dang it!" She shouted

Up on Ms Cherri's ship.

"HAHAHA! THOSE WEAK SINNERS WONT DARE TOUCH MY TERRITORY OF DESTRUCTION! A WISE DECISION, THE POWER OF MY EXPLOSIVES ARE UNMATCHED! NOW ONE, ONE COULD COMPARE TO THE LIKENESS OF I!" Ms Cherri laughed. Cherri now wears a ugly red pantsuit.

"Gee, that is pretty good, boss!" One of Cherri's cherryboi yuppie minions said

"Yeah! You really showed them what for!" another Cherryboi said

"I loved it when you blow them up them with your grenade launcher." said a Cherryboi

"I wish she’d shoot me with her grenade launcher." cried a Cherryboi

Another Cherryboy pat his Cherrybrother's back.

"IN A FEW DAYS ILL DESTROY THE ENTIRE EAST SIDE OF THE PENTAGRAM! HELL WILL BE RUINED! AND EVERY ONE WILL FEAR THE NAME OF MS. CH-" Ms Cherri yelled.

"SSSLUT!" A wise guy shouted.

"DAFUQ!? WHO SAID THAT! WHAT DID YOU SAID SHITTY EXCUSE FOR A FRUIT!? SPEAK THE FUCK UP!" Cherri threatened.

A explosive egg bot was YEETED through the windshield and explodes in front of everyone.

Pentious now in patches and his top hat is a now flat cap, jumps through the hole in the windshield, "You looking for a fight, filthy whore? why won't you take your little whore house nonsense of my territory before I sssmasssh it." a support beam falls on to a cherryboi. "more..." Pentious threatened.

"OH YOU WANNA GO GRANDPA!? I HOPE YOU LIKE GUNPOWDER BECAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU WILL GET!" Cherri shouted while her Cherrybois surround Pentious.

The morning report. Two demons were at the desk. A oppressive suited man with white combed to the side hair and a gasmask for a face. And a frail white blonde woman with red eyes. "Good afternoon! I’m Tommy Trench." Tommy announced.

"And I’m Kate Killjoy. Chaos at a pentagram city today as a turf war is raging on the east side. Between notable Queen pin Ms Cherri Bomb and self-proclaimed wise guy Pentious." Kate reported.

"That’s right Kate! After the recent extermination, many areas are now up for grabs! Demons all over Hell are already duking it out to gain new territory!" Tommy reported.

"Those two seem to really be going at it, huh?" Kate repiled.

"Looks like they’re fighting tooth and nail for that hot spot!" Tommy pulls a tooth and nail out of the mug, place them on the desk, and smash them with his fist.

"And I’d sure love to get my hot spot nailed by him." Kate giggles.

Tommy chuckles, "You sure are a big pussy whore, Kate. Or should I say-" Tommy pours coffee onto Kate's crotch -Burnt Pussy."

"Not again!" Kate cried. Kate curled up in pain.

"Coming up next, we have an exclusive interview with the host of Hell’s 6th most popular radio, who’s here to discuss his brand-new passion project! All that and more, after the break!" Tommy crushes the mug. "Suck it up you little bi-"

Backstage.

Alastor now a lot more tender and tweak like, and Husk which is wearing a withered red and black leisure suit. "Okay. You remember what to say?" Husk ask.

Alastor took a deep breath. "Okay! Let’s do this!"

"Look at me, and I’ll mouth it to you." Husk said.

"Come on, Husker! I know all of the currant slang terms! I just feel like we need to- I don’t know, make things sound more glamour and darb-" Alastor gasp, "Oh! What if I-"

"-sing a song about it?" Husk said.

Alastor chuckles, "You knew I was gonna say that."

"Because you're like a book. But please don’t fucking sing. This is serious." Husk stated

"Well you know, I’m better at expressing myself and my goals through song! It's my job after all." Alastor said.

"But this isn’t like the radio, Al." Husk

"Okay I’ll just have to resort to my impeccable improve skills." Alastor said with a southern bell accent.

Now with Tommy Trench.

Alastor walks up to Tommy. "Hi! I’m Alastor." holds out his hand.

"Tommy Trench." Tommy drops the cigarette and stomps on it. "I’d say it’s a pleasure to meet you, but that's a horseshit lie. You can put that away." Alastor pulls his hand back. "I don’t touch the mixes. I have standards."

"Yeah? How’s uh- how’s that working out for ya?" Alastor asked while a support beam falls down onto a crewman. "Can someone help me!" the crewman screamed in pain.

"Look, my time is money, so I’ll keep this short. We’re not here because we wanted you here, you’re here because Rodney couldn’t make it for his dating show."

Alastor looked past Tommy's shoulder to see Kate rolling her eyes.

"You might be some radio bigshot, but that doesn’t mean shit to me. I’m too rich and too influential to give a flying fuck about what some tux-wearing F list radio host wants to advertise." Tommy got into Alastor's face.

"But I-" Alastor stuttered.

"-So don’t get funny with me buddy, or I will fucking end you." Tommy threatened.

"And we’re live!" A crewman shouted.

Tommy ran back to his seat and Alastor walks to his seat. "Welcome back! So, Alex-" Alastor interrupts, "It’s Alastor."

"Whatever. Tell us about this new passion project you’ve been insistently pestering our news station about!" Tommy grips the handgun in his jacket.

Alastor clears his throat, "As most of you know, I have been here in Hell since 1933, and if you remember life wasn't easy back then, but as you can see life is a lot worse here than it was there. I always tried to see the good in everything around me. Hell is my home, and you are my people. We-" Tommy shoots a bug with that handgun. Blood splashes onto Alastor's face. "We just went through another extermination. We lost so many souls, and it breaks my heart to see my people being slaughtered every year. No one is even given a chance! I can’t stand idly by while the place I live is subjected to such violence! So, I’ve been thinking. Isn’t there a more humane way to hinder overpopulation here in Hell? Perhaps we can create an alternative way to change souls through… redemption? Well I think yes. So that’s what this project aims to achieve! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m opening the first of its kind! A hotel that rehabilitates sinners!" Alastor announce.

...

"Y’know? ‘Cause hotels are for people passing through… temporarily."

In a dive bar in the hick part of hell. A bear demon laughes, "Is this guy for real? He thinks, you hear what this city boy thinks? he-' short laugh "-Oh, he’s nuts."

The camera man spoke up. "Stupid nig-"

Husk uppercuts the camera man.

"Look, every single one of you has something good deep down inside. I know you do. Maybe I’m not getting through to you." Alastor said

Husk sighs "Oh no."

Alastor snaps his fingers to bring his jazz band in.

♪ We have a dream ♪ ♪ We wish to tell ♪ ♪ And it’s just ball ♪ ♪ ‘Cause you’re one of a kind ♪ ♪ A charming demon belle! ♪ ♪ Now let’s give these burning fools a place to dwell ♪ ♪ (Take it, boys!) ♪ ♪ (Boo!) ♪ ♪ Inside of every demon is a cause ♪ ♪ We’ll dress ‘em up and give them a smile! ♪ ♪ (With a smile!) ♪ ♪ And we’ll chlorinate this cesspool ♪ ♪ With some old redemption flair ♪ ♪ And show these guys some proper class and style! ♪ ♪ (What’s in style?) ♪ ♪ (Oh!) ♪ ♪ Here below the ground ♪ ♪ I’m sure your plan is sound! ♪ ♪ They’ll spend a little time ♪ ♪ Down at this Happy Ho-- ♪

Random demon: "Shut the fuck up! That is shit!"

Everyone laughs uncontrollably.

"What in the nine circles makes you think a single denizen of Hell would give two shits about becoming a better person? You have no proof that this little experiment even works! You want people to be good just… because?" Tommy and Kate laughs.

"Well, we have a patron already who believes in our cause, and she’s shown incredible progress!" Alastor shouted

"Oh? And who might that be?" Tommy asked.

"Oh, just someone named… Niffty." Alastor replied.

"The porn star?" Kate asked.

Tommy slowly turns around pointing that handgun at Kate. "You fucking would, Kate." Tommy turns back around. "In any case, that’s not even an accomplishment. I’m sure you can get that hooker to do anything with enough booger sugar and lube."

"Oh, I beg to differ. She’s been behaved, clean, and out of trouble for 2 weeks now." Alastor replied.

"Breaking news!" Shouted a crewman

Tommy pushed Alastor away. "We are receiving word that a new player has entered the ongoing turf war! Let’s go to the live feed!"

Shows Niffty kicking Cherryboi ass.

"Di Mi!." Alastor whispered.

"Dee Me indeed! It looks like the one who just joined the battle is none other than-" gasp "-porn actress Niffty! What a juicy coincidence! You must feel really stupid right now." Tommy said

Tommy and Kate laugh. "Ratings!"

Alastor gasped, "Don’t look at this!" He tried to hid the window on the greenscreen.

"Well, it sure looks like your little project is dead on arrival. Tell us, how does it feel to be such a total failure?" Tommy asked.

"Yeah? Well- how does it feel that I got your pen, huh? Dick?!" Alastor shouted.

Tommy went silent.

Alastor nervously laughs, "Sorry." Put the pen back.

Kate runs away while Tommy got the flamethrower

Back in the streets

"Hey thanks for the backup, Niffts!" Pentious shouted.

"You kiddin'? This is the best action I've seen in ages!" Niffty replied.

Pentious throws a egg bomb. "Where have you been anyways? I thought you died or something."

"Oh I wish! I've been staying at this dirty hotel on the other side of town. Some guys let me stay rent free if I play nice His words, not mine. These assholes are no fun! I’ve been clean for two weeks!" Niffty answered.

"Holy crap." Pentious replied.

"Well, sorta clean. As clean as you can get with a shitload of Bolivian marching powder." Niffty replied.

Cherri whips and ties Niffty up in a vine.

"Oh, harder mommy!" Niffty moaned.

Cherri gasp, "Daughter?!"

Niffty raise the brow in a "Da fuck?" way.

"You douches have no style! In war, the side remembered is the side with the most style." Cherri pop her collar up.

"Or the side that ain’t 6 feet under." Pentious replied.

"Speaking of style, what's up with the colors, it's red this and red that. Is it that time of the month?" Pentious quipped.

"Oh, well, that’s none of your goddamn business, now is it?" Cherri shouted.

"Oh yeah we're not suppose to talk about that." Niffty quipped.

"I’m going to blow you to bits!" Cherri threatened.

"Hm! Kinky!" Niffty quipped.

"Oh, not like that! creep!" Cherri replied.

Cherriyboi shoots at Niffty with a vine net gun.

"Not so cocky now, are we?" Cherri threatened.

"Y’know, you really gotta watch what comes out of your mouth. I’ve been making these sex jokes the whole-" Cherri pulls out a smg "-TIME! And it’s obvious ya ain’t catchin’ on-" Niffty kicks Cherri, takes her gun and shoots at the Cherryboi. "-I mean, it’s just SAD!

"So think you’re gonna get in a lot of trouble for this?" Pentious asked.

"Eh, what’s one little brawl gonna cause?" Niffty asked.

Back in the newsroom.

Alastor and Tommy are going at it fisticuffs, while the flamethrower is blowing fire to the right of the desk.

Kate runs into view of the camera while on fire. "Why won’t anyone help me?!" She screams.

Back in the streets. "Glad ya haven’t changed. You know you’re my favorite gal to party with!" Pentious shouted.

"You know it, you slimy snake. You ready to finish this?" Niffty asked.

"Hell yeah, baby." Pentious answered.

Niffty, Pentious, Ms Cherri, CherryBois, Alastor, Tommy, and Kate yelling in a 4 screen split.

In the Limo driving to the hotel Niffty was playing with the window

Husk carving a wooden steak and giving Niffty the death stare.

Niffty looks up to Husk, "What?"

"What? What?! What were you fucking doing?!" Husk shouted.

Niffty sighs, "Look I owed my snake buddy a solid! Isn’t that a “redeeming quality"? Helping pals with stuff?" Niffty shouted.

"Not with turf wars that result in genocide!" Husk shouted.

"Eh, you win some, you lose a few hundred, plus didn't you caused a Genocide." Niffty snickers.

Husk throws the wooden steak at Niffty which pierced throw the window.

"Aw come on, I had to! My credibility was on the line-" Niffty sighs "-I mean, what kind of reputation would I have if people found out I was trying to go clean? It just throws out my entire persona."

"Your credibility? What about the hotel? Your little stunt made us look like fucking clowns!" Husk shouted.

"No no no, hon. Clowns are funny! I made you look… uh, sad! And pathetic! Like an orphan, with no arms, or legs… Uh… oh, with progeria! Great! Now I’m bummed thinking about it! This thing have any liquor?" Niffty asked.

"Can you please just try to take this seriously?" Husk asked.

"Fine, I’ll try, just don’t bitch to your mother while you're fucking her." Niffty quipped.

"What was that you trying to be?" Husk got up and pulled out his knife.

"Whatever pisses you off the most. Is there seriously no liquor in here?!" Niffty shouted.

"I’m gonna kill her." Husk sat back down.

"Too late, hon. Wait, would that make me double dead? And where exactly do I go, to double Hell? Sorry, you’re stuck with me, bitch. Get used to it." Niffty laughs.

"Fucking bitch!" Husk mumbled.

"Listen, who cares if some jagoffs got hurt? Most of them are ugly freaks. Look around! Got a bunch of fuckin’ harlequin babies down here." Niffty said.

"You’re one to talk." Husk quipped.

"Hey! This body is flawless! Everyone wants some of me, and I’ve got the creepy fan letters to prove it!" Niffty pulls out a letter with stains.

"That was really not swell y’know, Niffty" Alastor said.

"Not Sweel?! After that trainwreck, there is no way anyone is gonna wanna stay at the hotel. All thanks to you and your selfish bullshit!" Husk shouted.

"Does that mean I don’t have a free room anymore?" Niffty asked.

Husk pulls the knife out again.

"Ah, well, shucks." Niffty snaps.

"Hey, come on, we don’t know if things are over yet. Try to relax, Husker. It’ll be okay!" Alastor reassured.

At the Happy Hotel

The three open the door. Husk sat down on to the couch to look at his hands, his mind goes back to the war.

Niffty went to the fridge to get a beer. "It’s probably a good idea to get some actual food in this place. Y’know, to feed all the wayward souls ya got in here." Niffty laughed, but then it became nervous laughter, and then she just stops.

Alastor went out to talk to his boss. "Hey Boss. Um, I know I keep calling, and you must want that kale paid back. But um, the interview isn't sitting pretty and... I don’t know if I’m going to make a difference. I don’t know what I’m doing. I could really use some advice, Boss. I think you're right about me. A-anyway, I’ll stop talking before this gets long." Alastor went back in.

A knock to the tune of Come On Eileen was on the door.

Alastor opens the door to see Charlie in her demon form.

"Hell-"

Alastor slams the door, and then open it again to see if he just saw that.

-o."

Alastor slams the door again. "Hey Husker?

"What?!" Husk asked.

"The Musical Demon is at the door!" Alastor nervously answered.

"Holy shit what?!" Husk drops the knife.

"Uh, who?" Niffty asked

"What should I do?" Alastor asked.

"Well, don’t let that bitch in!" Husk shouted

Alastor slowly opens the door.

"May I speak now?" Charlie asked.

"You may-" Alastor said.

"Charlie, pleasure to be meeting you, sweetheart, quite a pleasure. Excuse my visit, but I saw your riot on news and I just couldn’t resist. What a performance! Why, I haven’t been that entertained since the Great White show of 2003. Ah so many bodies." Charlie introduced

"Stop right there!" Husk pointed a M16 at Charlie. "I know your game. And I’m not gonna let you hurt anyone here, you spunky, quirky, musical harlot!" Husk threatened.

Charlie laughs slightly, "Hon, if I wanted to hurt anyone here... I would have done so already...." spooky demonic stuff pops up and then goes away. "No, I’m here because I want to help!"

"Say what now?" Alastor asked.

"Help!" Charlie exclaimed.

"Um, you want to help?" Alastor asked.

"With this ridiculous thing you’re trying to do! This hotel! I want to help you run it." Charlie exclaimed.

"Uh… why?" Alastor asked.

Charlie laughs, "Why does anyone do anything? Sheer, absolute boredom! I’ve lacked inspiration for decades! My work became mundane, lacking focus, aimless! I’ve come to crave a new form of entertainment!"

"Does getting into a fist fight with a upstage reporter count as entertainment?" Alastor asked.

Charlie laughs, "Absolutely, it's reality. After all, the world is a stage! And the stage is a world of entertainment!"

"So, does this mean that you think it’s possible to rehabilitate a demon?" Alastor asked.

Charlie laughs, "Ha no. That’s wacky nonsense! Redemption, oh the non-existent humanity! Nononono, I don’t think there’s anything left that could save such loathsome sinners! The chance given was the life they lived before; the punishment is this! There is no undoing what is done!"

"So then, why do you want to help me if you don’t believe in my cause?" Alastor asked.

"Consider it an investment in ongoing entertainment for myself! I want to watch the scum of the world struggle to climb up the hill of betterment! Only to repeatedly trip and tumble down to the fiery pit of failure." Charlie stated.

"Right?" Alastor nervously asked.

"Yes indeedy! I see big things coming your way, and who better to help than I…" Charlie exclaimed.

With Husk and Niffty.

"Ah, so uh, what’s the deal with Smiles over there?" Niffty asked.

"Wait, you’ve never heard of her before? You’ve been here longer than me!" Husk shouted.

"Only for a decade." Niffty replied.

"The Musical Demon, one of the most powerful fuckers Hell has ever seen?" Husk stated.

"Eh, not big on politics." Niffty answered.

"Some fuckin' time ago, Charlie was let out of Lucifer's castle she rampaged the fuck out of everything and then she started podcasting her carnage through fucking songs people started calling her, the music demon.. That kind of raw power had never been harnessed by a mortal soul before. Strange song and dense numbers would play on the radio paired with terrifying screams and cries for help. She'd force victims to join in and those who wouldn't or couldn't got the worst of it. Sinners started calling her the Musical Demon. (How fucking original!) Many have speculated what unimaginable force enabled her to rival our world’s most ancient and destructive evils. But one thing’s for sure: She’s an unpredictable source of danger, a wicked spirit of mystery, and a violent monster of chaos the likes of which we can’t risk getting involved with unless we want to end up erased." Husk annoyingly exclaims.

"Bash ears much?" Niffty silently laughs, "She looks like a cinnamon roll princess!"

"Well, I don’t trust her!" Husk spat.

"To be fair, do you trust anyone?" Niffty asked. "Anyone."

Husk went to Alastor.

"Al, man, listen to me. You can’t believe this girl! She isn’t just a happy face! She’s a dealmaker, pure evil! She's Lucifer's daughter! She can’t be redeemed! And is most likely looking for a way to destroy everything we’re trying to do. And we don't want that." Husk stated.

"I know she’s bad, and I know she probably doesn’t wanna change, but the whole point of this is to give people a chance! To have faith things will be better! How can I turn someone away? I can’t. It goes against everything I’m trying to do. Everything I believe in. I would be like them back then. Just trust me. I can take care of myself." Alastor stated.

"Alastor, whatever you do, do not make a deal with him!" Shouted.

"Don’t worry, I picked up one thing from them. “Ya don’t take shit from rich folk!” Okay, so… Charlotte. You’re sketchy, and you clearly see what I’m trying to do here is a joke. But I don’t. I think everyone deserves a chance to prove they can be better. So, I’m taking your offer to help. On the condition that there be no tricks or voodoo strings attached." Alastor nervously said.

"So it’s a deal then?" Charlie asked.

Alastor takes a gulp before he shakes her burning hot hands. Her hand burns Alastor's hand like a hot stove. Alastor cries in pain.

Charlie let go of Alastor hand and went to Husk.

Alastor went to the fridge to get something to cool his hand.

"Smile, my boy! You know you’re never fully dressed without one!" Charlie stated. "So where is your hotel staff?" She asked.

"Uh, well…" Alastor points to Husk and Niffty with his good hand.

Husk growls.

"Oh ho ho ho, you’re going to need more than that." Charlie stated.

"And what can you do you quirky cutie?" Charlie asked Niffty.

"I can finger you to heaven." Niffty replied.

"Maybe not..." Charlie said.

"Your loss." Niffty stated.

"Well this just won’t do! I suppose I can cash in a few favors to liven things up!" Charlie snaps, which cleans the fireplace and light up a fire in it. Charlie then pulled out a tall and dark demon from the fireplace. Charlie then shake it a little to get rid of the soot which reveals our white and pink Spider Boi Angel Dust.

"This tall friend is Angel!" Charlie said.

"Hello, my name is angel, it been along time since I saw any guy... IS ANYONE HERE GAY!? sorry, that was rude... OH MY! this place is disgusting, it really need the fabulous touch, which is weird cause I'm sure at least one of you is gay..." Angel went all around the room with his 6 arms cleaning and remodeling everything.

Charlie snaps again.

A gray female demon was at a bar talking to a male demon, "Okay that will be $50 for a hand- wohhhhhh" All kinds of demonic shit goes around Vaggie "¿Que demonios?" Vaggie notices Charlie, "YOU!"

"Veggie sweat heart glad you could make it!" Charlie exclaims and then hugs

"Don't you veggie me! I was working!" Vaggie pushed Charlie away.

"Good to see you to!" Charlie laughed

"What do you want?" Vaggie asked.

"Well sweaty I'm doing some charity work and I took it upon my self to volunteer your Service!" Charlie answered.

"Are you joking!?" Vaggie asked.

"No, I don't think so! I thought you could be the new face of this fine establishment!" Charlie points to a pole. "With your fine smile and "past experience" this job was made for you!" Charlie stated.

"IM AINT DOING NO CHAIRTY WORK DO I LOOK LIKE SOME KIND OF A FUCKING JOKE!?" Vaggie shouted.

"Maybe, but don't worry,I can make it more rewarding, if you wish." Charlie projects all of the cute good times they had back then.

"What!? you can think you can buy me with a wink and some good memories!? Well you can!" Vaggie got up to the stage

"Hey hey, heyheyhey! NO! No pole dancing we're meant to be a place that discourages sin! Not some kind of… casino, brothel, man-cave-" Husk ranted.

Niffty jumps on Husk. "Shut up! Shut! Up! We are keeping this." Niffty pointed to Vaggie. "Hey." Niffty flirted to Vaggie

"¡Vete a la mierda!" Vaggie said.

"Sounds sexy." Niffty flirted.

Alastor went up the the stage, "Hello there my scantily dressed friend! Welcome to this fine or at least with your help soon to be fine hotel!" Alastor introduced himself.

"I lost the ability to love years ago, so unless you got cash you're not worth my time." Vaggie stated.

"So, what do you think?" Charlie asked.

"This is the Bees Knees!" Alastor bellowed.

"It’s… fine." Husk stated.

Charlie went in for a hug with Alastor and Husk, "This is going to be very fun!" Charlie clears her throat and push Husk away. ♪ You have a dream ♪ ♪ You wish to tell ♪ ♪ And it’s just laughable ♪ ♪ But hey sir, what the hell! ♪ ♪ ‘Cause you’re one of a kind ♪ ♪ A charming pal! ♪ ♪ Now let’s give these burning fools a place to dwell ♪ ♪ Inside of every demon is a waste ♪ ♪ But we’ll dress ‘em up for now with just a smile! ♪ ♪ And we’ll chlorinate this cesspool ♪ ♪ With some old redemption flair ♪ ♪ And show these simpletons some proper class and style! ♪ ♪ Here below the ground ♪ ♪ I’m sure your plan is sound! ♪ ♪ They’ll spend a little time ♪ ♪ Down at this Hazbin Ho-- ♪

A explosion outside blast the door off and hit Angel.

Everyone walked out to see what was happening

"Ha! Well well well, look who it is harboring the musical freak! We meet yet again, Charlie!" Cherri shouted.

"Do I know you?" Charlie asked.

"Oh, yes you do! And this time, I have the element of- surprise!" Cherri maniacal laughs "I’m so evil!"

Charlie snaps to bring up her goat goons to destroy the ship.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa!" Cherri started to scream as the goats started to destroy her ship and murder her Cherrybois.

Two of the goats grab Cherri and threw her at the wall. "Oh, that hurt!" Cherri screams.

The Goats took control of the ship and pilot it into the cracks where they came from.

The ship explodes when it got into the crack.

"Well I’m starved! Who wants some cake? My father once showed me a wonderful recipe for cake! In fact, they named it after him! You could say the kick was right out of Hell! Yes sir, this is the start of some real changes down here!" Charlie laughes

"The show starts! Now... Stay tuned." Charlie snaps changing the sign from, "Happy." to "Hazbin."

#hazbinhotel #hazbin hotel #hazbin #hazbin charlie #hazbin angel dust #hazbin niffty #hazbin sir pentious #hazbin alastor #hazbin husk #hazbin cherri bomb #hazbin characters #hazbin katie killjoy #hazbin tom trench

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sunmisgirl · 5 years

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NCT 127 Confessing to Their Crush

Requested by @czakuranevan-blog:

Hello, could you do a NCT 127 reaction about how they would confess their feelings to their crush? Thank you in advance :)

Nina’s Note: I had so much fun writing this and kept it gender neutral. I went overboard with the reactions so some are slightly longer than usual asdfghjkl. What can I say? NCT owns my heart.

Taeil:

*I LOVE Taeil’s look in Limitless

Taeil and you take a spontaneous trip to a local karaoke bar to relieve some stress and sing your hearts out. Usually you two keep the karaoke sessions within the confines of your home but he insists to go out for a change. Still a bit bashful about your singing, you encourage Taeil to sign up for a performance.

After writing his name on the sheet, he sits with you at a nearby table and enjoys the other performers. Soon enough, it’s his turn and you applaud happily while he walks up to the mic stand and waits for the song to start. The intro to “Thinking Out Loud” plays, immediately making you smile.

You’ve heard him sing it to himself a dozen times but never grow tired of his voice. However, something feels different about this performance as you watch him closely. Throughout the song, Taeil sings with such passion and you swear he’s only looking in your direction the entire time. It almost feels like he’s confessing something. Applause fills the air once he finishes and you’re left stunned with the next few words that fall from his mouth, “Thank you. I dedicate that song to someone very special that came with me tonight.”

Johnny:

Johnny and you have known each other since childhood which provides perks such as a strong friendship and tons of embarrassing moments that can be used for blackmail whenever necessary. You’ve seen his passion for photography grow over the years and always praise his work. He decides to test out his skills with a beach landscape and invites you to join him.

After persuading you to be his subject, he instructs you to hold a certain pose, tilting your chin up and fixing your hair. “Wow, I’d put a ring on that!” he exclaims and walks backwards pondering on the angles to capture for the mini shoot. “Johnny, are you hitting on me?” you shout from a distance but only see him playfully roll his eyes in return.

His smile subsides as he concentrates on the camera settings and adjusts his stance before snapping a few shots. He quickly reviews them and lifts his gaze ready to direct you into a different pose when his thoughts go blank. The sun setting in the distance creates the perfect atmosphere and he sneakily takes a few candids of you looking out across the water.

“Why are you looking at me like I’m the eighth wonder of the world?” you tease while laughing. “Because you are,” Johnny replies, walking over and showing the shots he took moments ago. You gawk at the results as he clicks through each shot, leaning in closer to study every detail. He notices your proximity and compliments, “You make a wonderful model.” Now it’s your turn to playfully roll your eyes at his statement. “And to answer your question from earlier, yes, I was hitting on you.”

Taeyong:

Taeyong is your new handsome neighbor that graciously saved you one night with his impeccable cooking skills. You bluffed to your mother about your improved cooking skills in hopes she would stop worrying about you living on your own. (You can’t exactly reveal you live off of takeout, right?)

One night she texts you that she’s in the neighborhood and wants to stop by later to catch up and taste your amazing cooking. This sends you into a frenzy, your feet taking you to Taeyong’s front door at the precise moment he was about to head outside. You briefly explain the dilemma and ask for some tips but he offers to assist you with the dish instead.

After that day, your friendship grew stronger and the two of you made it a habit to cook together a few times a week. You’re halfway through devouring your pasta when Taeyong utters, “I like you.” Your fork clanks against the plate as you stare at him with astonishment.

He nervously laughs and gestures to the glass on the table, “Looks like the wine is talking tonight.” You take a sip from your own drink before replying, “I like you too. We make a great team and I really enjoy our dinners together.” He grins from across the table and suggests, “Maybe we should go out to dinner for a change.”

Yuta:

Yuta calls one day asking if you’re free to hang out but instantly hears the sickness in your voice. You constantly reassure him it’s nothing serious, but your body betrays you, a series of sneezes and coughs directed into the transmitter on the phone. In record time, he appears at the front door with a care kit full of your favorite snacks and movies.

He orders you to rest on the sofa and heads to a nearby closet for spare blankets. Upon returning, Yuta finds you scarfing down mouthfuls of candy that were meant to be eaten during the movie. Raising an eyebrow, he locks eyes with you and plucks the box of M&Ms from your hand.

After feeding you soup and tea, he wraps the blankets snugly around your body and starts the movie of choice. Ignoring your pleas about getting him sick, he pulls you closer and rests your head on his chest. The cold medicine eventually takes effect and you begin dozing off before the movie finishes.

Yuta observes your sleepy state and smiles warmly before leaning down and kissing the top of your head. “You’re lucky I like you,” he whispers and trails his hand over your hair. Feeling far too sleepy to question him further, you mumble back, “I like you too” and allow sleep to consume you.

Doyoung:

Doyoung has been your rock through the hard times and you definitely need him now. You faced a nasty breakup a few days ago but still can’t get past the heartbreak. As soon as he sees your incoming text, he grabs his car keys and travels to your place.

You haven’t looked in the mirror for days and hope your appearance isn’t too terrible. Throwing on a hoodie and your favorite pants, you enter his car with a glum expression and he counters with a small smile before pulling off for a drive.

Doyoung drives around aimlessly for a while until he figures out how to improve your mood. He scrolls through his playlist and selects his favorite song, singing along to the track. Unbuckling your seat belt, you shift your body facing him and rest your back on the passenger door, leaning your head against the seat and closing your eyes to focus on his soothing voice.

When the song ends, Doyoung takes a deep breath before saying, “I know it’s too soon to say this, but I really do care about you.” “More than a friend,” he admits while staring at the road ahead, his heart beating way faster than he’d like it to. “You don’t have to give me an answer right now. You deserve time to heal.” Opening your eyes and smiling to yourself, you shift in the seat and hold onto his right hand laying freely on the center console.

Jaehyun:

You met Jaehyun one day when he walked into class late and sat in the only seat available beside you. He lightly taps you and leans in whispering, "Did I miss anything?" “Just another rant about how millennials are ruining the dating scene. Professor had another bad Tinder date,” you chime with a smile. Sharing a quiet laugh, you exchange names before proposing to grab coffee after class and get to know each other better.

It's become a tradition for you two to meet at a cafe and chat for hours. You've had a crush on Jaehyun for a while now and finally gain the courage to make the first move. After finishing classes for the day, you race over to the cafe and wait for him to arrive. Hours pass with no sign of Jaehyun and an employee notifies you the shop is closing soon.

Dejected, you gather your things and exit the shop listening to a playlist, eventually spotting him a few stores down talking to someone and looking all cozy. He doesn't notice you storming up to him until you pass by bumping shoulders. You ignore his shouts in your direction and turn the volume up. Later that night, a notification pings on your phone. Jae: Night drive. Meet me in ten.

Curious about his explanation for bailing, you meet him outside and enter the car wordlessly. He starts driving and immediately apologizes for forgetting to meet up. “I ran into a childhood friend visiting for a work conference. You know I wouldn’t skip on our plans...I like you too much.” Your eyes shift to observe his expression and see if he’s lying. He actually seems a bit nervous after confessing and waits for a reply, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.

Now you feel like a complete fool for being jealous and giving Jaehyun the cold shoulder. "Stop the car," you request, closing your eyes and contemplating what you're about to do. He scrunches his face with confusion but obeys and parks down the street. Jaehyun turns to face you wondering why you're so quiet before you grab his collar and reel him in for a kiss. You both pull away after a few seconds and stare at each other until you break the silence. "See you in chemistry!" you throw open the passenger door and shut it behind you before racing back home.

Winwin:

Sicheng loves stopping by your place for movie night, but you’re calling him over for a different reason this time. You’re struggling with a project for work and need his input. After successfully coaxing him with the promise of pizza, he listens to your short presentation and offers tips to improve the flow.

Sicheng finds your resolve admirable, smiling to himself as you bend down and scribble little pointers on cue cards. The other guys always ruin his opportunities to confess his crush on you so he decides to do it now that you’re both alone. He clears his throat and calls out your name instantly grabbing your attention. “I just wanted to say…”

Suddenly, the doorbell rings and you excitedly shout, “Pizza's here!” He sulks in defeat on the couch and lightly stomps his foot on the floor while you pay for the food. “What were you going to say?” you ask while walking over with the pizza box in hand. He sighs and mutters, “It can wait for next time.”

Jungwoo:

Your roommate Jungwoo wakes you up with a pleasant breakfast to start off your birthday. He cleans up the dishes after the meal and glances over at the clock counting down the minutes until you leave for work. Once you leave, he hurries off to grab decorations and calls over a few friends to help set up the place for the surprise party.

Jungwoo assigns everyone a task, confident they will not disappoint him, and runs out to buy your gift. After a long hectic day, you yearn to settle down with Jungwoo on the couch and watch your favorite movie. A big celebration can wait for the weekend. Your tiredness instantly evaporates the second you open the door and are met by a loud cheer in unison.

Family and close friends embrace you and wish you happy birthday before allowing you to settle into the party. You meet eyes with Jungwoo across the room and he tilts his head towards the balcony. Following him outside, he presents you with a small box and you happily open it to reveal a bracelet with his initial and a heart on each end. “This is really thoughtful; thank you!” you beam while he helps clasp it around your wrist.

“I have a matching one too,” he lifts his wrist to show you his bracelet decorated in a similar style but with your initial. “Just a way to show how much you mean to me.” Jungwoo looks like he wants to say more, but can’t gain the confidence to say the exact words. Catching his hint, you look at him amusedly before pecking him on the cheek. “We’ll finish this conversation after the party,” you wink and return inside to converse with guests.

Mark:

Mark is one of your closest friends at work and drives you home sometimes. However, you’re completely oblivious about his crush on you and tonight he hopes to change that. He takes one final breath before exiting his car with a bouquet and walking up to your front door.

You have a bad habit of leaving your curtains drawn back in the living room, allowing the outside world to peer in every once in a while. While approaching, his eyes flicker to your window and witness you hugging an unknown man. Upset with his discovery, Mark turns away and starts walking back to his car before hearing your voice call out his name.

He turns to see the unknown man walk down the pathway with a suitcase and nod politely before entering an awaiting cab. You stand by the doorway looking at Mark curiously and ask, "What brings you here?" He avoids the question, hiding the bouquet behind his back and replying, "No reason. It looked like I was going to interrupt something."

"That was my cousin! He lives across the country and visited me for the week," you utter with a slight shrug. "Y-your cousin?" Mark fumbles out as his eyes widen with shock. You nod with a light laugh taking in his flustered appearance and spot a few flowers sticking out behind him. "Are those for me?"

He retrieves the bouquet from behind and sheepishly presents it to you. “I was wondering if you had plans this weekend,” he says while walking closer, nervously waiting for your response. You accept the flowers and reply, “Nope, I’m free but I have a better idea. Food delivery is on the way and I ordered way too much for one person. Care to join me?”

Haechan:

Haechan is your favorite person in the whole wide world. You always go to him for a laugh and make sure to sit next to each other during every lecture. After he drops you off at the dorm, he lingers in the hallway until the coast is clear and slips a note under your door.

You don’t notice the green folded paper on the floor until hours pass and you take a break from studying. Wondering if something slipped out of your bag, you lean down and unfold the note with surprise etched on your face. It displays a ton of scribbled compliments before signing off with a single heart drawn on the bottom.

The next day, you show Haechan the note wondering if he recognizes the handwriting. He simply shrugs and answers, “Looks like you have a secret admirer.” These mysterious love notes continue appearing under your door for a solid week. You appreciate the notes but the anonymity is slowly driving you crazy.

When you settle in class the next day, Haechan offers you his notes to study before leaving to use the restroom. You suddenly notice green sheets of paper sticking out the back of his notebook and the similar writing style on the pages. When he returns, he finds you scattering his secret admirer notes onto the desk with a small smile adorning your lips, relieved you finally solved the mystery. Sitting down, he playfully pushes your shoulder and says, “Took you long enough!”

#nct #nct 127 #nct 127 reactions #nct reactions #nct imagines #nct scenarios #nct au #nct 127 fluff #nct 127 imagines #nct 127 scenarios #nct fluff #nina snapped #i know i overwrote asdfghjkl #it's been a while

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soospiritualjourney · 4 years

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Ego is the enemy by Ryan Holiday

(1) Demosthenes once said that virtue begins with understanding and is fulfilled by courage. We must begin by seeing ourselves and the world in a new way for the first time. Then we must fight to be different and fight to stay different—that’s the hard part. I’m not saying you should repress or crush every ounce of ego in your life—or that doing so is even possible. These are just reminders, moral stories to encourage our better impulses.

(2) The first principle is that you must not fool yourself—and you are the easiest person to fool- RICHARD FEYNMAN

(3) If ego is the voice that tells us we’re better than we really are, we can say ego inhibits true success by preventing a direct and honest connection to the world around us. One of the early members of Alcoholics Anonymous defined ego as “a conscious separation from.” From what? Everything.

(4) The ways this separation manifests itself negatively are immense: We can’t work with other people if we’ve put up walls. We can’t improve the world if we don’t understand it or ourselves. We can’t take or receive feedback if we are incapable of or uninterested in hearing from outside sources. We can’t recognize opportunities—or create them—if instead of seeing what is in front of us, we live inside our own fantasy. Without an accurate accounting of our own abilities compared to others, what we have is not confidence but delusion. How are we supposed to reach, motivate, or lead other people if we can’t relate to their needs—because we’ve lost touch with our own?

(5) The performance artist Marina Abramović puts it directly: “If you start believing in your greatness, it is the death of your creativity.”

(6) Just one thing keeps ego around—comfort. Pursuing great work—whether it is in sports or art or business—is often terrifying. Ego soothes that fear. It’s a salve to that insecurity. Replacing the rational and aware parts of our psyche with bluster and self-absorption, ego tells us what we want to hear, when we want to hear it.

But it is a short-term fix with a long-term consequence.

(7) The aim of that structure is simple: to help you suppress ego early before bad habits take hold, to replace the temptations of ego with humility and discipline when we experience success, and to cultivate strength and fortitude so that when fate turns against you, you’re not wrecked by failure. In short, it will help us be:

* Humble in our aspirations

* Gracious in our success

* Resilient in our failures

(8) The Quaker William Penn observed, “Buildings that lie so exposed to the weather need a good foundation.”

(9) When we remove ego, we’re left with what is real. What replaces ego is humility, yes—but rock-hard humility and confidence. Whereas ego is artificial, this type of confidence can hold weight. Ego is stolen. Confidence is earned. Ego is self-anointed, its swagger is artifice. One is girding yourself, the other gaslighting. It’s the difference between potent and poisonous.

(10) Isocrates - “Practice self-control,” he said, warning Demonicus not to fall under the sway of “temper, pleasure, and pain.” And “abhor flatterers as you would deceivers; for both, if trusted, injure those who trust them.” “Be affable in your relations with those who approach you, and never haughty; for the pride of the arrogant even slaves can hardly endure” and “Be slow in deliberation, but be prompt to carry out your resolves” and that the “best thing which we have in ourselves is good judgment.” Constantly train your intellect, he told him, “for the greatest thing in the smallest compass is a sound mind in a human body.”

Shakespeare

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Farewell. My blessing season this in thee!

Where Isocrates and Shakespeare wished us to be self-contained, self-motivated, and ruled by principle, most of us have been trained to do the opposite. Our cultural values almost try to make us dependent on validation, entitled, and ruled by our emotions. For a generation, parents and teachers have focused on building up everyone’s self-esteem. From there, the themes of our gurus and public figures have been almost exclusively aimed at inspiring, encouraging, and assuring us that we can do whatever we set our minds to. In reality, this makes us weak.

(11) In this phase, you must practice seeing yourself with a little distance, cultivating the ability to get out of your own head. Detachment is a sort of natural ego antidote. It’s easy to be emotionally invested and infatuated with your own work. Any and every narcissist can do that. What is rare is not raw talent, skill, or even confidence, but humility, diligence, and self-awareness.

(12) For your work to have truth in it, it must come from truth. If you want to be more than a flash in the pan, you must be prepared to focus on the long term.

It’s a temptation that exists for everyone—for talk and hype to replace action.

(13) Doing great work is a struggle. It’s draining, it’s demoralizing, it’s frightening—not always, but it can feel that way when we’re deep in the middle of it. We talk to fill the void and the uncertainty.

(14) “A man is worked upon by what he works on,” Frederick Douglass once said. He would know. He’d been a slave, and he saw what it did to everyone involved, including the slaveholders themselves. Once a free man, he saw that the choices people made, about their careers and their lives, had the same effect. What you choose to do with your time and what you choose to do for money works on you. The egocentric path requires, as Boyd knew, many compromises.

(15) To become great and to stay great, they must all know what came before, what is going on now, and what comes next. They must internalize the fundamentals of their domain and what surrounds them, without ossifying or becoming stuck in time.

In our endeavors, we will face complex problems, often in situations we’ve never faced before. Opportunities are not usually deep, virgin pools that require courage and boldness to dive into, but instead are obscured, dusted over, blocked by various forms of resistance. What is really called for in these circumstances is clarity, deliberateness, and methodological determination.

(16) Passion typically masks a weakness. Its breathlessness and impetuousness and franticness are poor substitutes for discipline, for mastery, for strength and purpose and perseverance.

(17) “Whom the gods wish to destroy,” Cyril Connolly famously said, “they first call promising.”

(18) Only you know the race you’re running. That is, unless your ego decides the only way you have value is if you’re better than, have more than, everyone everywhere. More urgently, each one of us has a unique potential and purpose; that means that we’re the only ones who can evaluate and set the terms of our lives. Far too often, we look at other people and make their approval the standard we feel compelled to meet, and as a result, squander our very potential and purpose.

(19) According to Seneca, the Greek word euthymia is one we should think of often: it is the sense of our own path and how to stay on it without getting distracted by all the others that intersect it. In other words, it’s not about beating the other guy. It’s not about having more than the others. It’s about being what you are, and being as good as possible at it, without succumbing to all the things that draw you away from it. It’s about going where you set out to go. About accomplishing the most that you’re capable of in what you choose. That’s it. No more and no less. (By the way, euthymia means “tranquillity” in English.)

(20) It is not enough to have great qualities; we should also have the management of them.

—LA ROCHEFOUCAULD

(21) Feel unprotected against the elements or forces or surroundings. Remind yourself how pointless it is to rage and fight and try to one-up those around you. Go and put yourself in touch with the infinite, and end your conscious separation from the world. Reconcile yourself a bit better with the realities of life. Realize how much came before you, and how only wisps of it remain.

(22) Let the feeling carry you as long as you can. Then when you start to feel better or bigger than, go and do it again.

(23) The historian Shelby Foote observed that “power doesn’t so much corrupt; that’s too simple. It fragments, closes options, mesmerizes.” That’s what ego does. It clouds the mind precisely when it needs to be clear. Sobriety is a counterbalance, a hangover cure—or better, a prevention method.

(24) As Plutarch finely expressed, “The future bears down upon each one of us with all the hazards of the unknown.” The only way out is through.

(25) According to Greene, there are two types of time in our lives: dead time, when people are passive and waiting, and alive time, when people are learning and acting and utilizing every second. Every moment of failure, every moment or situation that we did not deliberately choose or control, presents this choice: Alive time. Dead time.

That’s what so many of us do when we fail or get ourselves into trouble. Lacking the ability to examine ourselves, we reinvest our energy into exactly the patterns of behavior that caused our problems to begin with.

In life, we all get stuck with dead time. Its occurrence isn’t in our control. Its use, on the other hand, is.

(26) As Booker T. Washington most famously put it, “Cast down your bucket where you are.” Make use of what’s around you. Don’t let stubbornness make a bad situation worse.

(27) A dangerous attitude because when someone works on a project—whether it’s a book or a business or otherwise—at a certain point, that thing leaves their hands and enters the realm of the world. It is judged, received, and acted on by other people. It stops being something he controls and it depends on them.

(28) There was an unusual encounter between Alexander the Great and the famous Cynic philosopher Diogenes. Allegedly, Alexander approached Diogenes, who was lying down, enjoying the summer air, and stood over him and asked what he, the most powerful man in the world, might be able to do for this notoriously poor man. Diogenes could have asked for anything. What he requested was epic: “Stop blocking my sun.” Even two thousand years later we can feel exactly where in the solar plexus that must have hit Alexander, a man who always wanted to prove how important he was. As the author Robert Louis Stevenson later observed about this meeting, “It is a sore thing to have labored along and scaled arduous hilltops, and when all is done, find humanity indifferent to your achievement.”

(29) This is why we can’t let externals determine whether something was worth it or not. It’s on us.The world is, after all, indifferent to what we humans “want.” If we persist in wanting, in needing, we are simply setting ourselves up for resentment or worse. Doing the work is enough.

(30) Duris dura franguntur. Hard things are broken by hard things.

The bigger the ego the harder the fall.

(31) Hemingway had his own rock-bottom realizations as a young man. The understanding he took from them is expressed timelessly in his book A Farewell to Arms. He wrote, “The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills.”

(32) The world can show you the truth, but no one can force you to accept it.

(33) “Everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed,” reads John 3:20.

(34) In the end, the only way you can appreciate your progress is to stand on the edge of the hole you dug for yourself, look down inside it, and smile fondly at the bloody claw prints that marked your journey up the walls.

(35) It can ruin your life only if it ruins your character.

—MARCUS AURELIUS

(36) The problem is that when we get our identity tied up in our work, we worry that any kind of failure will then say something bad about us as a person. It’s a fear of taking responsibility, of admitting that we might have messed up. It’s the sunk cost fallacy. And so we throw good money and good life after bad and end up making everything so much worse.

(37) Ego kills what we love. Sometimes, it comes close to killing us too.

(38) “Act with fortitude and honor,” he wrote to a distraught friend in serious financial and legal trouble of the man’s own making. “If you cannot reasonably hope for a favorable extrication, do not plunge deeper. Have the courage to make a full stop.” - Alexander Hamilton

(39) Because you will lose in life. It’s a fact. A doctor has to call time of death at some point. They just do.

Ego says we’re the immovable object, the unstoppable force. This delusion causes the problems. It meets failure and adversity with rule breaking—betting everything on some crazy scheme; doubling down on behind-the-scenes machinations or unlikely Hail Marys—even though that’s what got you to this pain point in the first place.

(40) “He who fears death will never do anything worthy of a living man,” Seneca once said. Alter that: He who will do anything to avoid failure will almost certainly do something worthy of a failure.

The only real failure is abandoning your principles. Killing what you love because you can’t bear to part from it is selfish and stupid. If your reputation can’t absorb a few blows, it wasn’t worth anything in the first place.

(41) And why should we feel anger at the world?

As if the world would notice!

—EURIPIDES

#ryan holiday #ego is the enemy #quotes

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lotusillustration · 5 years

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i know there’s a hnk tarot deck which i own and ADORE but here’s my take

I tried to keep this based off the rider-waite deck, but I’ve used some interpretations from my personal favourite deck too.

mobile users: I’m so fucking sorry

0. The Fool - Phosphophyllite Upright, The Fool represents new beginnings and innocence. It’s numbered 0 as it’s the beginning of the journey through the Arcana. The Fool encourages a free spirit and diving into the unknown. Reversed, The Fool represents being unprepared, taking too many risks. “What am I getting myself into?” could be an interpretation if you draw this card, and that you should reign back the once carefree energy.

I. The Magician - Euclase Upright, The Magician represents power and resourcefulness. To draw this card may mean that your current plans are in order, and ready to be acted upon. It represents clarity and focus. Reversed, The Magician means you may be unsure how to act upon a situation. To draw it may mean the universe wants to to reign back, and you’re out of touch with yourself.

II. The High Priestess - Lapis Lazuli The High Priestess signifies one’s subconcious mind, which constrasts The Magician’s focus on the concious mind. She represents that the world is not all it seems, and can be a fascination with higher powers, and unseen events. She essentially represents enlightenment and psychic insights.Reversed, she represents withdrawal and silence. She can represent manipulation, secrecy and hidden agendas - even when that knowledge should be shared.

III. The Empress - Red Beryl The Empress is a difficult card to explain to non-tarot users, as the “base” for her is femininity. In this sense, femininity is not being a feminine person, but rather represents traits such as creativity and connecting with your senses. The Empress sees beauty in all things. Reversed, The Empress may show you’re throwing yourself into your work too much. You may be neglecting your own needs. Red Beryl is the only gem who creates clothing for the gems - that’s their only purpose in life. Rx, The Empress suggests you take time for self love, enjoying beauty for oneself rather than the world around you.

IV. The Emporer - Kongo The Emporer is the perfect card to describe Kongo-sensei. In a literal sense, The Emporer represents a father figure. The Emporer is a strong, powerful man, who status and respect come naturally to him. He also represents a social system, a strict way of living, and order. He also signifies knowledge and expertise. I don’t to go too far past these literal meanings of The Emporer, since he already reflects Kongo perfectly. Reversed, however, he can represent a system that has too many strict rules. To pull The Emporer rx, you may be struggling with a person in power over you, you could be struggling where you’re the person in power and don’t know how to act. It could mean unhealthy and unequal relationships that, over time, become toxic.

V. The Hierophant - Yellow Diamond Upright, The Hierophant could show that oneself is seen as a mentor, the one who people look to for adivce, for teachings. He represents someone with strict family traditions, who will pass these traditions down generation to generation. The reversed Hierophant is a card that isn’t nessicarily bad, like many other rx cards. It may show you that you need to assess your own wants and needs, to teach yourself before others. It encourages one to really think about the world they live in, and challenge the status quo if deemed appropriate.

VI. The Lovers - Rutile Upright, The Lovers represent passion and how one chooses to interact with those around them. While it can represent a close one-on-one relationship, it can represent relationships in general. To go deeper, The Lovers represent one's personal values, and carrying out tasks that are most important, and making difficult descisions. To draw The Lovers, it is a sign that one should focus on self love first. Reversed is where this gets juicy. Reversed, the Lovers represents an imbalance in relationships, communication is difficult and ones values may change or no longer match. To pull The Lovers rx, you may be facing a difficult choice, perhaps with no perfect outcome. One may be having severe inner conflicts, unsure of current values, and disharmony within oneself. Interestingly, The Lovers rx are encouraged to seek out The Hierophant's advice.

VII. The Chariot - Cairngorm Upright, The Chariot shows determination and willpower, potentially for a specific project. Once one decides on their project, they will try, to no end, to complete it. Ignore those trying to block you, move forward. In an incredibly literal sense, The Chariot can represent moving from one place to another Inversed, however, The Chariot is a warning to stop. Your plan is failing, you may have lost motivation. You're focused too much on yourself, and ignoring your Higher Self and what the Universe wants for you. You may find yourself controlled by another person, or controlled by your own thoughts in a negative way.

VIII. Strength - Diamond & Bortz Strength is often depicted with an image of a ferocious lion, being tamed by a gentle woman (in my deck, it depicts the constellation Leo). Upright, Strength represents raw power, internally (this contrasts to the external powers of The Chariot). To draw Strengh, it shows that you have a lot of raw energy and, well, strength, However, you need to control, or “tame” this raw energy, which is why I’ve included Dia. Strength reversed may better depict Dia, to draw it means you’re full of self doubt, unsure of your power and overall lacking in self confidence. As a side note, Strength rx can also depict explosive anger.

IX. - The Hermit - Cinnabar I'll start with the inverse Hermit for this one. Inverse, The Hermit represents taking too much time to yourself, hiding away, and ignoring the Higher Self. In a relationship sense, one might be withdrawing aggressively, despite the reaching out of another. Upright, The Hermit is representative of a more healthy self reflection - stepping back from "real life" to focus on yourself for a little. Upright, The Hermit appears at a pivotal point in one's life, an important changing point. At this point, one may need to stop withdrawing in order for personal growth. Priorities and understanding of the Higher Self may be deeply improved, and one may move away from an unhelpful society.

X. The Wheel of Fortune - Ventricosus The main reason I selected an Admirabilis for the Wheel of Fortune is that this card can represent the fleetingness of life. Upright, the Wheel of Fortune represents rapid change and the cycle of life. The Admirabilis are the only species in the series with a “regular” lifespan, and their society behaves as such. The Wheel of Fortune can also relate to karma and lovingness. For the Gems and Lunarians - the world is not in a state of constant change, while the Admirabilis live and die. To draw the Wheel of Fortune, one may have a difficult choice on their plate and urgency to change. The Wheel of Fortune urges one to believe in the Universe’s plan, and may represent critical turning points in life. To draw the Wheel of Fortune reversed asks you to step back from taking matters you shouldn’t into your own hands, and can flip the balance of your Higher Self. In order for good karma to come back to you, you must accept responsibilty for your wrongdoings.

XI. Justice - Jade Justice, of course, represents justice. Digging deeper, though, it represents one's alignment with the Higher Self and how one interacts with others. Justice tried to keep others in order, possibly even trying to distract from the negative in the world. Justice is a search for the truth, despite adversity. Reversed, Justice can reflect your inner self, and not believing in a choice you've made, or been forced to make. One may be at conflict with themself due to actions they've taken, or even unwilling to take accountability for the poor choices one has made. Justice rx can also represent a severe inner critic, or, again, facing a descision with no truly "good" outcome.

XII. The Hanged Man - Benito The Hanged Man represents taking a break, a step back to assess your situation. Thing is: these pauses may be voluntary or involuntary. The Universe may be at play, allowing you time to take a break, reassess yourself and your life. He can also represent feeling "stuck" with oneself. Reversed, The Hanged Man can show a resistance to change, filling your life with distraction, ignoring the real issues. Inversely, The Hanged Man rx could mean your life is already on pause, and has been for a long time. One could be frustrated by this, wanting to live again. Benito feels “boring” or “normal”, but this is one of the most positive traits a gem can have.

XIII. Death - Morganite & Goshenite (both old and new) Death upright can mean sudden, unexpected change, and as a whole the card represents death, rebirth, transformation and transition. The deaths of the original Morga and Goshe were sudden, unexpected - but needed. To throw in a headcanon, I believe they chose to die together - opening death with open arms - which is a very literal interpretation of the card. The birth of new Morga and Goshe also came as a shock, restarting the cycle of the beryl-class gems. Inversed, Death represents a need for change, a need for a restart and a need for deeply meaningful change. To draw Death rx, the card offers one a chance to restart, be reborn, on their own terms. The card can often also mean one is going through a massive personal transformation, and often requires a follow up card to be drawn for context.

XIV. Temperance - Red Diamond To draw Temperance (upright) enourages one to bring more balance to your life, and take the middle road. Red Diamond was the first Gem, the one who started it all, and the one who gave Kongo a new purpose in “life”. Temperance is all about changing, combining and mixing one’s life - Kongo and Red had to mix their traits to create a space for themselves and the future Gems to live. Temperance inverse isn’t quite the opposite, and rather signifies the end of a time period - to keep the balance in order, To draw Temperance rx one should evaluate themself and the life they’ve lived, and try to restore the balance. Perhaps, Red Diamond’s death was all part of the balance.

XV. The Devil - Aechmea I did initially want to not be generic and not assign The Devil to Aechmea, but it really fits him more than anyone. The Devil is deeply representitive of the Shadow Self, and could certainly be related to the cardinal sins. To draw The Devil it may represent that you’re controlled by your impulses; greed, lust, etc. It represents addiction and obsession, as well as close personal bonds that are still in the “honeymoon phase” To draw The Devil reversed, it urges you to let go of unhealthy obsessions, addictions, and sins in order to reach the Higher Self. Obviously, this can be taken quite literally for Aechmea.

XVI. The Tower - Alexandrite The Tower is representative of change and disaster. In most cards, it’s depicted as a tower - a stable structure - built on the top of a small clifface, indicating that it’s fall is near. One bolt of lightning hits the tower, and it falls. The Tower is another card that represents change, however it’s change is one of chaos and violence. You might pull The Tower if you’re experiencing trauma or massive, chaotic change. The best way to cope with The Tower’s symbolism is simply to let it fall, so you can rebuild and start anew. To pull The Tower inverse, the chaotic energy is caused by an internal trigger, rather than external. You may also be resisting change, which makes the inevitable change even worse.

XVII. The Star - Ghost Quartz Again, I’ll start with the reversed meaning. The Star reversed is a symbol of loss of hope, overwhelmingness and may test your faith in the Universe. It represents one who was once full of hope, and had it all crashing down upon you. Upright, The Star follows The Tower, and is the glimmer of hope in the aftermath. The Star upright symbolises coming to terms with yourself and the future. The main symbol of The Star is hope, and rediscovering your sense of meaning (such as Ghost gaining more purpose upon being paired with Phos) XVIII. The Moon - Zircon The Moon represents fear and illusion, which I think fits Zircon well, being tossed around between partners and feeling inadequete. Fears from the past become projected into the future, and descision making becomes hard. The Moon should ask for advice from The Empress, as they may be losing touch with their “femininity”. Interestingly, The Moon is often depicted with two towers in the image, still coping from the stress of The Tower. Reversed, The Moon often means these insecurities are beginning to fade, and one is able to put their fears aside. One may also be recieving messages from the Universe, but unable to quite comprehend them. XIX. The Sun - Watermelon Tourmaline The upright and reversed meanings of The Sun are quite similar. Upright, it is indicative of success and happiness, while inverse it can indicate one’s inner child. We know that Melon is a younger Gem, and with recent parts of the manga we can see how their “inner child” has been warped and manipulated. The Sun can represent a longing for an easier time, a time in one’s life where they felt more carefree and happy.

XX. Judgement - Diamond, Yellow Diamond, Alexandrite, Amethyst 84, New Goshenite (think I got them all - the Gems currently on the moon) Judgement can definitely tell a bit of a story about the Gems on the moon. Upright, the card is indicative of new hopes and life-changing descisions. To draw Judgement upright, a pivotal life event could be on the horizon. Reversed Judgement, however, indicates self doubt, fear, and regrets. When one pulls judgement, they may be ignoring a descision that needs to be made. Getting too comfortable in putting off the descision can become dangerous. (side note: I just noticed some lotus root symbolism in my personal card)

XXI. The World - Phosphophyllite, Euclase I didn’t particularly want to reuse characters so much, but these two fit in for The World perfectly. For Phos, the story started with them, and should end with them. For Euclase - the figure depicted in The Magician is the same as the figure depicted in The World, The Magician has reached their enlightenment. To draw The World, upright, is to show that one’s journey is near completion. Euclase is the last character Gem to be worried about Phos, to even remember them. For Phos, their determination to finish what they started may be nearing it’s end. Reversed, The World is about seeking closure. Perhaps one is seeking out shortcuts rather than completing the task. It represents nearing closure, but some sort of barrier being in the way.

anyway thanks 4 coming 2 my ted talk if u actually read it

#mine #this is probably gibberish

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dayseternal-blog · 5 years

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A NaruHina fanfic based off of shamy’s doujinshi posted May 31, 2019. Please check out her 5-panel illustration!

Summary: Naruto, a skilled theater technician, and Hinata, a breakout pianist and composer, smile at each other.

Rated: G

Chapter 1: Unexpected

Note: This chapter has been edited from its original posting.

Naruto had always liked being the center of attention. As a small kid, he enjoyed making others laugh (sometimes disruptively, but what kid isn’t a little rascal?). His dream job was a comedian, and when the chance arose to formally get up on the stage in high school, he went for it. He joined drama class!

Little did he realize, he had absolutely no talent for acting…dancing…singing…anything really.

His uncoordinated movements and awkwardly delivered lines really seemed meant for comedy, as if everything he did was tongue-in-cheek, even when he tried his best. He laughed it off, but it was disheartening to find out that drama wasn’t what he thought it was going to be. Improv was great fun. Everything else…not so much. But it was too late to switch classes.

So the drama teacher assigned him to stage handing. At first it was sets and props. He was one of those guys dressed in all black who had to skitter across the stage unseen between acts and it kinda really sucked for him.

At one rehearsal, during a break, he was so bored, he snuck behind the tech and started fooling around with the switches and buttons just to see what they would do. He wasn’t afraid of breaking it, like how can you break something by just turning things on and off and sliding things around.

Well, he got caught. And he might’ve needed to serve detention.

On the plus side, after that show, the teacher gave him the chance to start learning lights and sound with the older students. He had a natural instinct when it came to understanding the feeling the act was trying to convey and determining the lights to push that mood forward in a visual, almost tangible, way.

Lights and sound turned out to be a real skill. Friends would watch him work and just stare at him with an expression of ‘how does he know what to do with all that stuff.’ He liked to explain the controls and the applications on the computer to them as technically as possible while acting as if he was dumbing it down (“well this is just a basic RGB console, so I just have to apply the Additive Color Theory. It’s simple, really”), just to make himself sound that much more impressive.

He was soon asked to help with school events, music performances, dances…just plugging all the wires in earned him admiring comments.

He found the attention he had originally been seeking in a much different vein. It was ironic in a way he appreciated, considering that he was never in the spotlight. He always thought drama would be about standing out and expressing the individual. He realized he had a passion for the other side of that. Working with a team to, really, control the emotions of the audience, to dig deeper into drawing out the will of the actor. There was a kind of power in being behind-the-scenes that he hadn’t expected, and it was a shared understanding all the backstage guys held.

From high school to volunteer and part-time work as a Casual, and all through college, he worked with and befriended numerous different artists. Each had their own unique vision, and he got to play a part in bringing that to life for the artist and the audience.

The connections he made through it all served him well. The Historic Konoha Theatre had an opening on their tech team. He applied. He was hired, even with how young he was.

The first show he worked was for a famous comedian by the name of Jiraiya. He was more than a little starstruck to meet the King of Laughs in person.

But not all of the shows are established artists. The Konoha Theatre has numerous different types of events. Due to its more intimate architecture than the Konoha City Concert Hall, many up-and-coming artists choose HKT for their concerts.

And Naruto found he likes working with these younger artists more. In creating a memorable performance with these artists, he feels like he has greater impact on their careers, like he might really be making a difference for them in helping them achieve their dreams.

He’s been feeling this way especially with their current preparation with a young pianist, perhaps the youngest solo performer he's worked with yet at HKT. She seems only a little younger than he is, practically fresh out of college. But despite the media attention she seems to have been getting for the past handful of years, the girl seems uncharacteristically shy, from her cautious expression to her modest attire.

“Hinata, did you have any specific lighting in mind for your concert?” he asks during their first scheduled meeting. He scans her setlist, recalling the songs from her online profile. He wasn’t familiar with her before, but he did his research. He recognizes that half of the songs on the list are from her work for the season’s hit drama. “Or did you plan on projecting any scenes from the drama during the concert?”

“Oh, no,” she quietly begins. “I wasn’t thinking of anything fancy, just…something regular?” Her voice turns up at the end, suggesting that she doesn’t have any idea of what “regular” might mean.

“Okay.” He nods.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know anything really about the lighting,” she adds quickly.

“No need to apologize.” He smiles. “I’ll show you some options, and we can go with what you feel comfortable with.”

Her expression immediately clears. “I’d like that, thank you…”

“No problem.” He shows her the common ways, from under-lighting to increasing the diameter of the spotlight, and the use of colors to help convey feeling. He encourages her to consider a blue tint on the backlight for her moodier songs from the drama. “It would be subtle. It wouldn’t take away from your playing,” he assures her.

She pinches her lips together, obviously uncertain.

“Why don’t you get up there on the stage and see how it feels? I’ll play one of your songs…how about...‘you and the stars’...from the speakers? You can sorta get an idea.”

She nods, and as she makes her way up toward the stage, he finds her song and begins to play it. Her piano music fills the house.

He watches her turn this way and that at the center of the stage, one moment looking thoughtfully at the backlight, the next moment staring out toward all of the seats. At one point she stares blankly toward the wings, probably picturing the grand piano there or imagining herself playing it. When he realizes she might be out there for the entire song, he sits back to relax and just listen.

He’s constantly amazed by the talent he meets. It’s no different today, but composers are a different brand from musicians, dancers, actors, and even choreographers. Perhaps even lyricists. He wonders again, just as he had when he first took a listen to her music, what exactly inspired the sounds she somehow strung together.

This song he chose in particular stands out. It’s one of her hits from the drama, which he still needs to actually watch...he plans on marathoning it tonight...but this one in particular makes him think about his mother. He wonders if the song relates at all to the death of a loved one in the drama.

Eventually, she makes her way back to the board. She still wears a thoughtful expression.

“Whatdja think,” he asks.

“It’s nice...but if I use color for this song, then I should probably use colors for all of the songs, right?”

He smiles and shakes his head. “Not necessarily. For some of the songs, we can use just a spotlight. That might be effective if you’d like the audience to focus more on you, your technique, or prowess. For your songs that are more emotional or for the ones you’d like your audience to be looking more inward at themselves...more reflectively, then color on the backlight would be effective.”

She nods slowly, and he lets her process. Finally, she looks directly at him. “Okay.”

He looks back at her, at her somehow determined yet simultaneously blank expression. Ah, maybe she doesn’t know where to start. He leans forward and pushes the setlist in front of her. “Why did you choose this order? Tell me your thought process and we can go from there.”

She takes a deep breath, as if she’s getting ready for something really challenging. “Okay,” she repeats with an expression of complete focus, and he wishes he had someone on the team to witness this with him. “This” being, her. She comes off as being overly serious, understandably so with it being her first solo concert, but it’s kind of funny and adorable.

Yet as she walks him through the setlist, she very eloquently explains the journey she hopes to take her audience through. There are times when she blushes as she shares her personal feelings about a song, and there are times when her eyes light up when he smiles at her in acknowledgement of her ideas. He comes to learn that many of her songs were inspired by people she’s been with or seen, even just once, or places she’s been to, from foreign cities to nature walks, hinting at perhaps a more extroverted personality than one would expect. She shares quietly and unrushed, as if she’s telling him secrets. It’s definitely charming.

He can tell as he helps her decide her lighting design that she’s much calmer now. They can both see the show coming together, which very apparently relieves her stress. She voices her opinion more readily, and her smiles come easier, shining whenever he shows her a lighting that fits her developing vision. It’s one of those moments that make him feel fulfilled in this profession.

He finishes the last of the notes on her concert and turns the laptop to show her. “Alright, this is the plan! I’ll share this with the team.”

“Thank you,” she softly replies, but her bright smile shows her excitement.

It’s a pretty smile.

“Yeah, it’s going to look great! We’ll see you at the rehearsal on Friday.”

She hums her affirmation as she gathers her things, and he notes how she’s still smiling in her quiet way. Then, how her gaze flits back to his, and how her smile turns even sweeter.

It has him wondering at the meaning behind her looks, and if they’re meant to make him feel like they’re especially for him, meant to make him feel good, and if...maybe she...

“Uh actually- Hinata..me and a couple of others from the team were gonna go grab lunch soon. Would you wanna join us?”

“Oh!...Um, I wouldn’t be intruding?”

“Not at all!” He stands to walk out with her.

“Okay, then.” She smiles shyly once more, looking up at him, and he grins, happy that she seems happy.

Yet even through the reassuring expression he gives her, he wonders at her reactions, her expressions, looking to see if any are maybe meant just for him.

#naruhina #fanfic #romance #fluff #ao3 #thank you shamy #shamyliciouss #modern au #music au #theater au #piano au #naruhina fanfiction

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raisingsupergirl · 4 years

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It's Getting Better All the Time

I've seen a lot of encouraging responses to this whole "social distancing" craze, one of them being a greater focus on new hobbies and projects. And I love it. I've always been a hobbyist. I love learning and trying new things. Recently, I've really been into freshwater fish keeping and aquascaping, but that's just the latest in a long list of passions, and I'm sure that list will continue to grow with each passing year. After all, what's the fun of life if we're not continually exploring new ways to live? But growth and self-improvement aren't limited to anything so small as hobbies. No, humans are incredibly adaptable animals. It's what's allowed us to survive and flourish at the top of the food chain for so long. And it's exactly what's going to allow us to overcome COVID-19. I know this to be true because I've already seen the signs.

The old adage is that it takes 10,000 hours to become a master at any one thing. Of course, that's complete rubbish (I mean, how can it take the same 10,000 hours to master astrophysics and simple addition?), but there's wisdom in the sentiment. At hour one, we're basically newborn idiots, but it get's better. If I wanted to become a professional landscaper, I could either spend my life dreaming about it and fearing the daunting complexity of the craft, or I could begin that first hour by learning how to push mow a yard. And after a year plying my trade full-time, I would have 8,760 hours of research, training, and practice under my belt. The road to get there would be fraught with failed goldfish ponds and dead flowers, but each minute I pressed forward would be another step toward mastering the craft. And the same can be said for the situation we're all in right now.

The suggested quarantine time for anyone suspecting exposure to COVID-19 is 14 days. That’s 336 hours. That’s equivalent to working full-time at a completely new job for eight weeks. Now, would you expect to master that new job in eight weeks? Of course not. You'd know how to clock in. You'd know the names of your co-workers—maybe even the names of their spouses and pets. You'd know enough to start taking some responsibility for your actions, and your anxiety about going to work every day would just be easing up. But you'd be nowhere near comfortable in your work. And that example applies everyone in the US since we started taking this pandemic seriously. Sure, some have been prepping, researching, and taking precautions for months, but most of us have only begun to really buckle down for the last few weeks. That's the same 336 hours (taking out eight hours per day for sleep, assuming you're not lying awake at night worrying about it). But remember that easing anxiety I mentioned after eight weeks at a new job? Yeah, the same thing is happening to us regarding social distancing. It's getting less awkward, less foreign. And for those of us who have embraced social distancing our whole lives, we're ahead of the curve.

Sure, the virus is still spreading. The number of infected individuals is still rising. Businesses are still suffering, and grocery store shelves are still mostly empty. But restaurant takeout and grocery pick-up options are becoming more streamlined. We're seeing China and Italy starting to normalize, and that gives hope for our own country. In short, we're beginning to learn how to live in this new (temporary) normal. We're far from experts, but at least we know how to push-mow a lawn, so to speak.

And there are helpful external factors, as well. When this started, it still felt like cold, dark winter. But the sun is starting to peak out. I'm sitting on my back porch right now writing this, and the world looks a lot brighter than it did from within the four walls of my house. At work (yes, unlike many, I'm still working. Physical therapy is considered an essential business), we initially saw a drastic drop-off of patients, but that has leveled out, and it now seems likely that I'll be able to work in some capacity until things return to normal. And the precautions we're taking in the clinic (social distancing, increased sanitation and contact/droplet precautions) are starting to feel natural. So much so that they're becoming almost habitual.

In fact, the ways in which we're adapting—the things we're learning and realizing—may actually leave us in a better situation than we were before. Maybe we, as a culture, will learn (at least for a little while) to appreciate the little things. Maybe we'll be happy with the abundance of 21st century comforts that we're blessed with. Maybe we'll stop complaining when someone disagrees with us or when we can't buy the newest iPhone right away. Maybe annual influenza deaths will decrease now that the general public knows the value of hand washing. Maybe we'll learn how to spend more meaningful time at home with our families instead of seeking extravagant vacations and entertainment. In short, maybe we'll learn how to fix situations ourselves instead of expecting everyone else to do it for us.

As I said, humans are adaptable. We're built to learn and grow. We have an inherent ability to make lemons into lemonade. We forget that essential skill from time to time, but when push comes to shove, we never lose the skill completely. So keep making the most of your time. Use every moment of social distancing and quarantine to find creative hobbies and productive projects. And when the gates are opened once again, you'll be able to use the fruits of your labor in exciting new ways.

The effort is worth it, trust me. For example, my family has decided to benefit from the situation by going on a cruise next week for pennies on the dollar. Bon Voyage, suckers!

Oh, come on. You didn't think I was going to blog on April Fool's Day without taking advantage of it, did you? Stay safe and optimistic, y'all. And maybe give the rest of us some ideas by sharing the new projects you're working on here.

#covid-19 #quarantine #social distancing #adapting #hobbies #hobbyist #self-growth #aquascaping #flatten the curve #april fools #overcome #minimalism

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raendown · 5 years

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Pairing: MadaraTobirama Word count: 4308 Chapter: 11/? Summary: Not all wars are fought on the battlefield. Some are fought at the conference table, with whispers in the shadows, or even in the bedroom.

In a world where the Senju and Uchiha traditional lands were too far apart to have ever made them enemies, Butsuma and Tajima are the ones who come together and sign a treaty of peace. Madara isn’t happy to have his life signed away for him in a political marriage to strengthen the bond between their clans. He is even less happy to have Tobirama make assumptions of him from their very first night together. What follows from there is a journey of healing, of learning, and finding the places to belong in the places least expected.

Follow the link or read it under the cut!

KO-FI and commission info in the header!

Chapter 11

Madara was more than used to waking up to find himself alone in bed. It was sort of a habit at this point to roll on to his back and sprawl out in the open spaces that he knew would have been long vacated. He was startled this morning to finish his morning ritual with a jaw-cracking yawn and a stretch of his body and senses only to find a familiar chakra signature burning mutely in the kitchen a floor below. It was so strange to lie in bed and feel the calm cool feeling of Tobirama completely at ease in their kitchen, stationary even this long past sunrise, that Madara very nearly found himself lulled back asleep before he realized the unique opportunity presented to him.

It had been months since he’d eaten breakfast anything but alone but it looked like that might finally change if he could hurry his ass out of bed.

Never in his life had Madara rolled out of the blankets and thrown on his clothing so quickly, including the time their compound had been raided when he was fifteen years old. Although to be fair he’d been battling his first hangover at the time and for several minutes had confused the clangor of the alarm bells with the pounding in his head. Still, he was mildly impressed with his own speed as he managed to clothe his body in record time and all but fly down the staircase where he forced himself to assume a more orderly pace. There was no need for Tobirama to see him acting like such a fool just so the two of them could at least make friends.

A curious face awaited him when he stepped in to the kitchen and Madara did his best to keep his greeting casual, projecting an aura of seeing nothing out of the ordinary. They both knew how strange it was for them to go about the beginning of their days at the same time when Tobirama usually would have been long gone before Madara left the bed but there was little point in making a big deal out of anything.

“Have you eaten?” Madara asked, reaching for the coffee pot and almost startled to find the liquid inside still warm. It was a blessing to pour himself a cup without going through the effort of brewing it first.

“No.” Tobirama shifted with a faintly guilty expression. “I don’t usually eat much in the mornings so I’m fine, no need to worry.”

“Because you…don’t have time?” His guess hit the mark perhaps a bit too well judging by Tobirama’s wince but Madara forged ahead with one hand already reaching for a pan. “Right, well, looks like there’s plenty of time today. Would you like some eggs?”

“Yes. Please.”

At least he wasn’t the only one who suffered from not being quite sure how to act around his husband yet. It was a large relief every time he noticed Tobirama floundering a little while they both tried to figure out where things stood between them now that they weren’t determined to never look each other in the eye and how to improve their shaky relations without any more accidental insults.

Eggs were a quick and easy meal so it wasn’t long before the two of them were seated across from each other just as they had been the night before during dinner. Tobirama mumbled compliments under his breath and Madara soaked them up without bothering to look for ulterior motives. After a couple of minor false starts he was even able to get a conversation going about the plans being drawn up for providing electricity to more of the residential areas. During the initial build Tobirama hadn’t been able to convince enough people that it should be installed in all buildings rather than just businesses and governing facilities, although he had accidentally inspired them to install power in the homes of all head families as a way of appeasing each clan for the compromises they made when signing their name on the treaty.

They were nearly done their meal when Madara looked out the window and sighed. It was such a nice day, much too nice to spend so many hours in a stuffy office as he would soon have to.

“What are your plans for the day?” he asked, wistful for anything that wasn’t the paperwork waiting on his desk.

“I usually spend some time in the mornings working in my lab,” Tobirama said. “Since I, ah, didn’t make it there today I might do so after work. Very likely I’ll need that time to myself. Most of my day has been scheduled for meetings in all different corners of the village and none of them promise to be easy on my patience.”

Madara snickered in to the bottom of his coffee mug. “Is that you who has to meet with the Labor Relations Board? Only a few months in and they’re already getting complaints, I can’t believe it.”

“The people need to know we care about them.” Despite his words Tobirama already looked annoyed just thinking about the stupidity he would have to sit through later. Madara did not envy him that duty. He’d never been very good at representing the little person without someone there, usually Hikaku, to provide him with a little perspective. Right now he needed to seek a little perspective of his own.

“Well if you’re not in too terrible of a mood after all that I wouldn’t mind seeing what this lab of yours is like. I have to admit, I’m very curious.”

“Really?” He knew he’d said the right thing immediately when Tobirama’s eyes lit up with the same ecstatic brilliance as they had the last time he accidentally went off on a tangent involving his studies. “You’d really like to see my work?”

Madara nodded decisively. “I can’t promise to understand any of it but from what Hashirama tells me it all sounds very interesting. And useful; he told me about a few of your inventions. Until he said something about it I never really thought about who invented any of the jutsu we use. I’ve always just taken it for granted that we learn them from other people and never gave any thought to where they originated.”

“It’s a complicated process,” Tobirama murmured. He did look pleased that someone seemed interested in what Hashirama had called his greatest passion. The small taste of what that passion looked like had left Madara eager to see more, to see that brilliant smile again.

“Would you be open to showing me some of that process?” he asked.

“Yes, if you’re sure you won’t be bored.”

Madara had the phrase ‘not with you explaining things’ on the tip of his tongue and only just barely managed to bite down on it to keep the words behind his teeth. He had absolutely no idea where that came from. Flirting wasn’t exactly something that came naturally to him but even if it were he and Tobirama didn’t have that sort of relationship. Sure they were married and yes the man was more than a sight for sore eyes no matter how ragged and tired he always looked but Madara wasn’t sure what had gotten in to him that he had almost started flirting before they even really settled in to getting along properly.

He went for shaking his head instead and shoving the last bite of eggs in his mouth. Like a mirror of yesterday they walked to work side by side after breakfast was done but unlike yesterday the conversation was much easier to maintain with the awkwardness of first attempts already under their belts. When they separated Madara felt buoyed by the light of hope. Susumu-sensei had indeed had a good point when she told him that it would be better to at least get along than to spend the rest of their lives hating the sight of each other. It hurt that he would never have the chance to fall in love, sure, but that didn’t mean he had to be completely miserable. If nothing else he had the chance to build a strong friendship with Tobirama, who he had to admit was pretty interesting now that they were making friendly overtures.

The first half of the day went by fairly quickly with his good mood uninterrupted. With Hashirama out of the office conducting building inspections he had the office all to himself and took full advantage of that to race through nearly twice as much paperwork as he normally would have gotten done in that time. After enjoying a pleasant lunch with Izuna and Hikaku in the office they both shared with a young woman from the Hatake clan he headed back to work only to discover that all the things he’d gotten done had been replaced with just as much work. His mood was dampened a little further when Hashirama returned in a sour funk of his own; apparently some of the buildings he’d raised with his Mokuton had since be torn apart for the new residents to make expansions or renovations and the very idea that his hastily made cookie cutter homes weren’t ideal for every single person in the village didn’t appear to sit very well. Madara did not appreciate having to placate the big baby on top of his added workload.

It was a relief to step out of the office at the end of the day and know that the next was his day off. His first stop was Tobirama’s office, knocking politely on the frame and hiding a smile of amusement when Tobirama jerked so hard he tossed his pencil across the desk, just barely managing to snatch it before it rolled off on to the floor.

“Ah. Is it…what time is it?” Tobirama glanced at the shadows on the wall with some surprise.

“Hmph. I wish my work was interesting enough to get that involved in it,” Madara grumbled. When he stepped forward to see what Tobirama was doing he raised both eyebrows to see not any of the forms they were all used to drowning themselves in for hours at a time but several pages of unintelligible diagrams.

“No these aren’t- I should have been working. But then it crossed my mind that I really shouldn’t be working on any of my more dangerous experiments with you there so I was trying to decide which of them was safe enough and then I had an idea that I knew I would forget if I didn’t write it down. I…tend to lose myself in these things quite easily.” With a faintly embarrassed twist of his mouth he added, “Hashirama likes to harp on me for it.”

Madara watched him scramble to clean up his things. “What, he doesn’t like seeing you enjoy yourself?”

“Um, it’s not that. I think it’s more my habit of forgetting to eat or sleep for twenty to thirty hours at a time that he objects to. I never mean to!” He added at the shocked look he was suddenly getting.

“You–!? Wow. Okay, so, if I haven’t seen you in a full day then check the lab. Got it.” Madara shook his head, in doing so almost missed the startled look Tobirama gave him. He pretended not to see it anyway. Did the man expect him not to care at all?

Okay it would be fair if that was his expectation but still.

As he packed up and they made their way out of the building Tobirama recounted a tale of the time Hashirama had to break down the door of his lab and restrain him with reinforced chains of mokuton in order to drag him away from a project that consumed him so badly he had already passed out twice yet refused to stop. Madara was duly horrified.

The journey to Tobirama’s lab wasn’t anywhere near as long as Madara thought it would be. When they turned in to the Senju district he thought perhaps they would pass through and leap the outer wall of the village to some secret grove or a hidden location. Then they turned down a familiar street he had walked before and he questioned if his husband had forgotten where they were supposed to be going. At the last minute, however, they turned aside and instead of entering Hashirama’s home they stepped in to the backyard of the house just next door where Tobirama unsealed the entrance to a basement cellar.

“Whose house are we breaking in to?” he asked as he was led down the surprisingly clean stairs.

“It’s not breaking in if the basement was specifically given to me. I have permission to come and go as I please, don’t worry.”

“That did not answer my question.”

“If you must know this is Touka’s house. My cousin?”

Madara paused to cringe. “The scary one who always looks like she wants to eat my head? The one who somehow managed to congratulate me on becoming Head of Security while also implying she would feed my intestines to a rabid wolf if I displeased her at the same time?”

“She does have a way with words, doesn’t she?” Tobirama was laughing at him, the likeable bastard.

Then they stepped through another door at the bottom of the stairs and all thoughts were pushed away from Madara's head as he took in the weird wonders of the first laboratory he’d ever seen. All the little bottles and chemicals he’d been picturing were there, neatly tucked away on their shelves with labels in tidy handwriting, but that was only one section of the massive room. The far wall was entirely covered with diagrams and notes all tacked up in nonsensical patterns he couldn’t hope to unravel. The counter that ran all the way around the circumference of the room was busy just below that display with stacks of note books and papers that Madara couldn’t see from where he was. Another portion of the counter was riddled with burns scars and the wall itself above that area was covered in hand written calculations.

When he finally managed to pull his eyes away from the madness he found Tobirama with both hands on his hips as he gazed around the room as well with a look of pride in his eyes.

“You made all this mess in just a few months?” Madara demanded.

“Hey now, this isn’t mess! It’s – okay, yes, it’s messy but this is science! These are breakthroughs! Just think of all the answers I can find in this one room, all the problems I can solve!”

“From what I hear you make more problems than you solve.” Madara smirked when Tobirama spun around to glare at him. “It sounds fun.”

A beat passed and then Tobirama returned his smile. Clearly the man was excited to show him around so Madara allowed himself to be led from station to station. Half of the scientific mumbo jumbo flew straight over his head but the bits that did stick in his brain sounded only logical and the base purpose for some of the projects did indeed seem very interesting to him.

One of the seals Tobirama was working on was an improvement on the storage seal that he hoped would be able to seal living beings inside for easy and rapid transport or unexpected assassinations. Being able to mail yourself to a target and then bursting out of the paper to end their life without a fight? Madara could definitely see the uses in that. And the potential for hilarity.

Throughout the little tour Madara noticed probably a solid half of the papers littered about all ended with thick question marks and when he questioned it Tobirama rubbed at his eyes with a tired expression.

“I can only get so far with my own mind,” he murmured. “There are so many areas of study I simply don’t have access to so I run in to dead ends with…alarming frequency. It’s very frustrating. There’s so many things that I know I’m close to having the answer for but I don’t have any sort of reference to tell me whether I’m on the right track or where to look next and it all falls to the wayside.”

“So you, what, need more books?” Madara guessed.

With a snort Tobirama nodded. “Yes, I need more books. People always underestimate books!”

“Huh. Well, why don’t you go check out the library then?”

“I have. I’ve scoured the library from one end to the other and read almost every tome we have available to the public.”

“That’s – wow. A lot of reading. But that isn’t what I meant.” Jerking a thumb over one shoulder back towards home, Madara asked, “Why don’t you look through the clan library? There’s a lot of stuff in there that we weren’t willing to allow the public access to.”

Tobirama knew that, of course. He had to since he was the one who had originally suggested it as part of the treaty between them, the sharing of knowledge, but it had been discarded as a major concession during the negotiations. Madara wondered what could make someone as clearly genius as his husband forget about something like that – then Tobirama opened his mouth and Madara realized that it wasn’t a matter of forgetting after all. Just another bad communication.

“You would let me in to the Uchiha Clan’s private library?” he asked, seemingly dumbfounded. Madara blinked at him.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because I…” Tobirama frowned and looked away and Madara realized easily what he’d been about to say.

“The library,” he said firmly, “is freely open to all Uchiha. When you married me you took my name. You are part of the clan now so there’s really no reason you should be denied access to our knowledge unless you plan to use it for purposes detrimental to the those around you.”

His cheeks pinking a little with shame, Tobirama nodded. Then he brightened and Madara was treated to the sight of sheer awe dawning over his expression as it hit home that there was an entire building full of knowledge just waiting for him to explore. “I suddenly have very important plans for tomorrow,” he whispered under his breath.

Madara snorted.

“Why do I get the impression that I’m going to be dragging you out of books to make you sleep instead of this lab?” He did his best to infuse his voice with as much exasperation as he could but the truth was that it didn’t actually sound all that bad to him. Tracking Tobirama down and dragging him away from his research just to eat a proper meal or make sure he slept for at least a few hours, that sounded almost domestic and the very thought of it was oddly peaceful. “Now come on, you promised me cool science things. Do some science!”

“Look, you don’t just ‘do some science’ in a lab. My studies are all very intricate and require hours of research and theoretical work and even setting up the safety precautions can be difficult!”

“So are you going to set something on fire for me or not?”

Visibly trying not to smile, Tobirama replied, “Yes, I can set something on fire for you.”

It was surprisingly difficult for Madara to resist clapping his hands like a child when Tobirama showed him the trick of adding just the right amount of two chemicals together to create a small contained flame. He was just as excited to learn how flash powder worked as he had been the first time he saw it in the field and the raw delight on Tobirama’s face when his demonstrations received such a positive reaction was extraordinary to behold.

When his husband pulled down a scroll from one of the top shelves Madara's imagination ran wild considering all the possibilities that could lay inside, knowing that anything he could think up was probably only half as incredible as the reality. Clearly he was not the one with the bigger imagination between the two of them.

“This is something of a prototype,” Tobirama told him. “It’s something I tinker with every once in a while to clear my head when I hit a brick wall in one of my other projects and it’s something that- well I didn’t exactly have you in mind when I first conceived of it but I can certainly picture you wielding this on the battlefield.” His eyes took on a slightly manic glint as he spoke and Madara had to admit he really liked that look.

“What’s it do?”

Setting it down, Tobirama turned the scroll so they could both see the kanji for flames painted on to the end.

“My original plan was to harness kinetic energy to mix with the elements so that if someone ever found themselves with low chakra they could use this without the need for any big flashy jutsu. The only element I can’t seem to get it to work for is fire but when I do, well, just imagine the destruction you could cause. Fire that can be thrown a great distance with next to no effort!”

“Please show me,” Madara breathed, causing Tobirama to laugh a little.

“I said I couldn’t get it to work, remember? I can show you the seal though. Mostly all I’ve been able to do is get it to explode.”

As Tobirama uncapped the scroll to open it up as promised Madara gaped at him stupidly. “You made it explode? With you standing next to it!? I thought Hashirama’s horror stories had to be exaggerated!”

“No, actually he prefers not to think about the worst messes he’s pulled me out of. There was that time with – ah, it’s not that important. We got the leg reattached anyway and I walk fine. I don’t know why he still whimpers whenever I bring it up.” He was rolling his eyes, of all things, while he weighted down the ends of the scroll to help it lay flat on the table.

Madara did what he could to keep his spluttering at a minimum but whimpering or no whimpering that was a story he definitely had to force out of Hashirama later. For now he kept his eyes on the apparently explosive yet otherwise innocuous seal laid out before them. It looked, in a word, complicated. Seals had never been an area he’d given a lot of thought to studying so much of the fūinjutsu arts were lost on him but even he could tell that the one before him was a masterpiece in the making. Most of the ones mass produced for every shinobi to carry, paper bombs and the like, were usually simple looking arrays with a minimalist look to their designs.

This scroll here looked like an intricate art project by a master with particularly steady hands. Writing so small he could barely read it had been carefully inked all the way around the double circle and the inside was a riot of symbols, lines, and nonsense that Madara suddenly wished he understood the purpose of.

“So, first question, what exactly is kinetic energy? Kin means family. Is it like some sort of spiritual connection between your chakra and the chakra of other people you’re related to?” He was sort of proud of himself for his smart idea until he looked up to find Tobirama blinking at him with a completely broadsided expression. Obviously that was not the correct answer.

“While I admire your attempt, no. That’s nowhere close. Here, let me grab a piece of paper so I can draw a diagram for you. People always understand me better with diagrams.”

His husband turned to rummage through the endless notebooks littering his countertop, presumably to find one with room left for more writing. Instead of letting himself get bored waiting Madara bent down to get a closer look at the seal. Even if he didn’t understand a lick of what he was looking at it was still fascinating and strangely beautiful. He could certainly see why someone might choose to study fūinjutsu once they had seen a properly complicated one like this.

If only he had the time to take up such studies.

Curious, eager to impress the man he had come here to be impressed by, Madara lifted one hand to trace the letters around the edges of the parchment. If he could decipher some of them and maybe determine their purpose without being told then maybe he could do a little showing off of his own. Just because he wasn’t trained at this didn’t mean he had no brains between his ears.

“Alright,” Tobirama said as he spun around, notebook in hand. “Now, make sure you don’t touch it because this seal is built to be extremely sensitive so it can be used without actively infusing your cha- MADARA, NO!”

“Shit, I didn’t know!”

“Get back!”

Before he could do more than take in the fact that the seal had begun to smoke under his fingertips Madara found himself thrown backwards and down, his body rolling until he slammed against the door they had come in through. He managed to right himself in time to see Tobirama’s hands slam together, chakra rippling through the air as a barrier flew up between them, and then the lab exploded.

Madara's last glimpse of Tobirama was of his pale face wide-eyed and frantic, his hair turned golden as it was framed with the light of the seal exploding, and in the moments before the concussive blast ripped through the shield protecting him Madara could only think that it was just his luck to screw things up when they had just started going so well.

#rae writes #madatobi #madara #tobirama #fanfiction

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jellyfishdooter · 5 years

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LISTEN

I HAVE VERY LOW IMPULSE CONTROL

In spite of the current community fire I give you this Rise of the Guardians AU

Character explanations/ mini story under the cut

So after watching Rise of the Guardians (one of my fav animated movies) I got the idea for an AU where the egos are like the Guardians of the JSE community.

Their designs are based off/ inspired by the characters in the movie but instead of just drawing the egos as those characters, I more so let them inspire re-creations of their outfits/ powers

Chase: Jack Frost- Guardian of Family

In the beginning he doesn’t see himself as a guardian. He’s a screw up, a washout. But even through his depression he tries to make others happy before himself. He does this by having fun and trying to get those in the community to join in with him! It’s later on that he realizes he has a part to play and that his is making sure everyone is still together as one big community. He’s here to remind us that in troubling times that we all have each other- that we’re all family.

JBM: Santa- Guardian of Hope

Being the super hero of the group, it’s JBM’s job to protect the innocent and give off the appearance of being something people can depend upon- someone who can protect everyone from danger. He helps the community become strong and makes them laugh along the way (even if he has to make a fool of himself to do it, he loves our smiles)- he gives them hope.

Marvin: Tooth Fairy- Guardian of Creativity (Sams: small Tooth Fairies)

Much like tooth fairy in the movie, it’s Marvin’s job to collect fanart/ fanworks and store them so when the community forgets all that they have built together, he shows them. Not only that, he inspires the content creators and represents their passion for their art. And it’s what he protects. (Along with the help of the little Sams who are the ones who actually collects and re-distributes it so everyone can see what they’ve made.)

Jameson: Sandman- Guardian of Positivity

Arguably one of the most important guardians of the community, JJ is there to remind people the importance of PMA. In his own quiet ways, he encourages the members to think on the bright side- or is just there to give hugs and be there for them. Whenever someone is in such a dark place, he uses his powers to show them that they still have so much potential and that they’re not alone. He give them a light in a dark place to hold onto. (Yes, he uses sign language AND the sand symbols for those who don’t understand sign)

Schneep: Bunny- Guardian of Health

Being the good doctor of the group, he’s there to remind the community to take care of themselves. Yes he may be a lil aggressive in the way he gives out advice, but for a lot of people they need their butts a little kicks to get them moving to help themselves. But not only physical health, he’s also willing to sit down and talk about mental health and analyze what the problem is/ works to help you understand how to improve yourself.

Anti: The Boogieman- “Guardian” of Fear and Chaos

And last but not least, our dear little firestarter. For so LONG he’s waited, waited to be in the spotlight. Before the other egos show up it was just him and it was delicious. He had so much power as he fed off of our fears, insecurities, and of course the headcanons and theories we made about him. But then Jack HAD to make more egos and fill the community with positivity and light. So he sunk back and waited for his opportunity- he waited for his powers to grow strong in the background. And with all of the hints being dropped and community fueling the fire in a continuous positive feedback loop, he gains more and more strength every day. He reminds the community not everything is peachy and rosy. That there are awful things in the world and how you’re just a tiny ripple in a storming ocean. Insignificant. He doesn’t want to stamp out the community- that would be counterproductive. No he just wants them to feel fear for the channel- that nothing is safe anymore- at any turn he could be there. And with that everything always comes back to him.

And sooner or later, the others will fade away...

Extra Headcanons/ Tidbits:

Before they were all guardians they were other people. (TW: death and suicide mentions) -Anti was a reckless criminal and one night his “friends” betrayed him, leaving him behind which wound up being the end of him. They were running from the police and were trying to jump a tall fence when his comrades left the struggling man behind to take the fall. He did in more ways than one. -JBM was just a regular dude, but he sacrificed himself to save a kid getting hit by a bus in the city. Even though he was about to die he kept asking if the kid was okay. The medics told him he saved them and that’s all he needed to hear. -Marvin was a street magician in his time. He did tricks to cheer up people sitting on the sidewalk/ sitting alone and talked to them about their passions. Later the same people would come back and tell him about the new job they got or the current project they were working on. He pulled a teen off the side of a bridge and a local cop mistook it for him attacking her and.. well.. things escalated quickly -Henrik was an upstanding surgeon. He saved lives every day in his career. Even though his wife and child left him, he worked every day to become a better doctor and continued to save people. And after the surgeries he would personally counsel the patients to make sure they were okay physically and mentally. But one day.. they didn’t have a matching organ for the patient on standby.. and he knew he matched the credentials. -Jameson was a small movie star in his time. And when he wasn’t filming he went down in quiet to lift the spirits of homeless children and teens. He would put on small performances and then go around to each of them and comfort them if they said it was okay. He made sure by the end of his visit they were all in high spirit. But one day the filming studio caught fire. The smoke damaged his lungs so he couldn’t call out before the building collapsed. -And Chase... He had a loving wife and two kids who he cared for with his life. He vowed to himself to protect them, even though his wife turned into a bitch as the years went on. One night they were walking home from a day at the amusement park and Chase got jumped with his kids nearby. The criminal threatened to kill the kids if Chase didn’t comply. So to protect them, he did as the criminal said, handing over his wallet and watch and phone. And when the criminal was about to kill one of them anyway, instinct took over and Chase knocked the man down and knocked him out- but when he fell the gun went off

The lights on the globe are the septiclights, each one representing a person in the community

Instead of holidays, the guardians help in the background of charity livestreams and videos to give them that little extra spark.

Sean is the equivalent of the Man in the Moon

The extra fan-made egos (like Robbie, Shawn, Angus, and Bing) are still around, they just aren’t the big guardians.

If they were tho... Robbie- Guardian of Innocence, Shawn- Guardian of Voice, Angus- Guardian of... idk, Protection? Or maybe head cannons lol, Bing- Guardian of Online Connections

When too much of the community becomes afraid/ depressed, the guardian’s form changes (like in the movie) before they disappear -JBM: Becomes weaker, probably needs his glasses to see again, basically turned into a comicbook nerd -Marvin: Loses a lot of his color, magic goes away, turns into a cat? -Henrik: Hands continuously shake, gains a stutter so people can hardly understand him, becomes super paranoid/ closed off -JJ: His colors fade to black and white, it’s really hard to summon his powers, always about to cry/ wants to scream -Chase: Goes into a low state of depression, isolates himself a lot -Anti: His bravado diminishes- basically turns into an edgy teen with spasms instead of actual glitches, wound on his neck closes.

Like in the movie there’s a point where Anti takes over (like right now) and everyone’s powers start to fade

To make this angsty(er) he manages to kill JJ and he disappears, along with the light of positivity in the community.

Chase blames himself for not being fast enough to save him

To turn thing around Henrik suggests a charity livestream to promote a mental health organization. So they all work together to prep

A young community member somehow gets into Henrik’s realm

Memes and shenanigans ensue

“We spend all our time trying to protect the community, we don’t HAVE TIME-... for the community..?”

Chase runs off after young familiar voices calling out for their daddy

Chase ends up in Anti’s realm of fear(the opening is in the woods under an abandoned computer desk). It’s a series of twisted hallways bathed in red light and entire walls of glitching computer screens that cast weird shadows

When Chase gets out he realizes all the equipment is destroyed and he wasn’t there to help

Henrik blames Chase and sad dad runs off.

The community is plunged into a state of fire and fear and there’s no positivity anywhere to be found.

Except one last light...

A fan is talking to a Sam plushie, saying that yeah they understand why the stream COULD have been cancelled.. but everything in their life is just so dark they were really looking forward to it.

Chase finds them and uses his powers to make images of septic lights and funny moments in Jack’s videos

They realize it’s Chase who’s doing it and can see him

All the egos fight Anti with the help of a few community members beside them- giving them power to fight back.

The members bring back JJ

JJ kicks the ever living shit out of Anti with the help of the others beside him Okay I think I’ll stop here XD If you read all this... wowie!

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elizadoolittlethings · 5 years

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Cyberons, sexy Zygons and Mark Gatiss: the bizarre world of the unofficial Doctor Who spin-offs

An oral history of the franchise's unlicensed spin-offs with Sylvester McCoy, Nick Briggs and those at the heart of Who's fan-made films

By Thomas Ling

Tuesday, 27th November 2018 at 1:19 pm

Colin Baker, the man who played The Sixth and arguably proudest Doctor, was next to naked. But he didn’t seem bothered by the bare front peeking through his limp dressing gown. And nor by the vision of a dying Peter Davison that had caused him to collapse while presenting a live TV weather report moments earlier.

Instead, in this semi-stripped moment, his focus belonged solely to Nicola Bryant, the actor who had played Doctor Who companion Peri – and the woman currently planting kisses down his exposed chest.

The 7 biggest contradictions in Doctor Who canon

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A surprising turn, many would think, but Baker seemed completely at ease. Yet soon there would be things he couldn’t ignore.

Soon he’d unearth a plot to replace humans with a synthetic race that could survive a poisoned atmosphere. Soon he would encounter a mysterious Michael Moore-style filmmaker who took the appearance of Sylvester McCoy. And, perhaps most worrying of all, soon he’d witness an apparition of Jon Pertwee that would vanish as unexplained as it had appeared.

Of all the directions Doctor Who could have taken, few could have predicted this. Yet the above is exactly how many fans celebrated the show’s 30th anniversary in 1993: watching a half-naked Colin Baker in The Airzone Solution, a fan-made straight-to-video multi-Doctor story.

Except this wasn’t actually a Doctor Who story. Not officially, anyway. But while Baker, Davidson, McCoy and Pertwee weren’t actually playing Time Lords, The Airzone Solution was Doctor Who in all but name. As McCoy explains to us, the film was “a kind of shadow of Who. Something different with major Whovian influences.”

And although not a licenced Doctor Who production, The Airzone Solution had more of a standing in the fandom than anything the BBC had gifted Whovians since putting the show on hiatus four years earlier in 1989.

While the amateur filmmakers behind Airzone managed to reunite four Doctors for an hour-long special, the BBC’s planned anniversary extravaganza The Dark Dimension collapsed completely mid-production. From its wreckage the Beeb merely marked three decades of the most influential British sci-fi creation with a Doctor Who/EastEnders crossover introduced by Noel Edmonds.

True, this Children in Need short saw the Tardis back on BBC1, but Romana riffing with the Mitchell brothers and the Fifth Doctor crossing paths with Pat Butcher was hardly the glorious return of the Time Lords many had imagined.

So, with fans’ appetites unsatisfied, thousands fed their hunger for Who with The Airzone Solution and the string of 24 other spin-offs films that emerged in the show’s wilderness years – the decade and a half without a regular Doctor Who TV series.

They weren’t official BBC stories, but they did heavily borrow from Doctor Who mythology and featured a mix of past actors, characters and suspiciously familiar monsters (no points for guessing what the ‘Cyberons’ were based on).

More importantly, though, these films nurtured Who’s biggest stars of the revived series. Writer and actor Mark Gatiss, voice of the Daleks Nicholas Briggs and writer Robert Shearman, alongside the likes of Alan Cumming and Reece Shearsmith: all cut their teeth on these films.

And while many of these stars might look back at them with a blush, the spin-offs may well be the reason they ended up working on the revival show.

Despite their shaky CGI, shoestring Sontarans and nymphomaniac Zygons (more on that below), these films actually silently shaped the Doctor Who we know today…

The first, the unoriginal, you might say

It all started in Wartime. All 25 spin-offs were sparked by this 35-minute one-off, a fan-made story that centred on Whovian favourite Sergeant Benton. Although not a household name for modern Who viewers, Benton was a stalwart soldier of the Pertwee era of the show, a key UNIT officer who battled against Cybermen, Daleks and even dinosaurs on Britain’s streets.

Yet it’s not the return of original actor John Levene as Benton, the character’s surreal confrontation with his soon-to-be-widowed mother or even the fantastically 1980s CGI skull that stands out about Wartime. It’s the release date: 1987, two years before Who was pulled off air.

In other words, Wartime wasn’t made in response to the cancellation, but for a very different reason.

“We made Wartime because we weren’t happy with the way that Doctor Who was going and we thought we could do better,” says Wartime producer Keith Barnfather, one of the founding members of the Doctor Who Appreciation Society and former BBC and Channel 4 employee.

“That was an absolute joke considering the funds available. The only reason that [Wartime] got made was that everyone who did it did it virtually for nothing.”

With borrowed costumes, a minuscule budget of only a few thousand pounds and a filming location they had never visited beforehand, Barnfather and his newly-formed production company ReelTime Pictures got Wartime in the can in just three days – about a fifth of the time it takes to film a modern Who episode.

The result: a creaky-looking drama with questionable effects and an enthusiastic but ultimately forced performance from Levene. But all these glaring flaws weren’t important. All that mattered was it had got made. A group of fans had actually put together a real self-contained show set in the world of Doctor Who.

“I was happy – it was the first time we did anything and we actually finished it!” says Barnfather. “It’s not a bad little drama. Even today I can watch it and not cringe.”

Most importantly, however, Wartime proved that independent spin-offs were possible. It showed that Doctor Who stories didn’t require Doctor Who on BBC1. Because when the show was finally cancelled two years later in 1989, other also looked to put their own Who adventures on camera.

And this time the Doctors themselves would want in…

The Time Lords materialise

Determined, brilliant, completely barking mad: there are many ways to describe Who filmmaker Bill Baggs. Indeed, some labelled him all three after he founded BBV Pictures in 1991, kick-starting projects with some truly out-of-this-world ambitions.

Why? Although only a young video editor at BBC Nottingham, the aspiring director/actor aimed to do more than tell Doctor Who stories about background UNIT soldiers. Baggs wanted the Doctors – and plenty of them.

Staggeringly, he got one in his first film. After a script was cobbled together for short drama Summoned by Shadows, Baggs approached Colin Baker to play a lead character known simply as The Stranger, a mysterious and eccentric unnamed traveller who roams time and space with a younger companion. Nothing like The Doctor, of course.

And despite not actually playing a Time Lord, or knowing virtually anything about the film, or having met the man behind it, Baker signed up.

“I could not believe it. I was wetting myself with excitement!” remembers Baggs. “As a Doctor Who fan you have little fantasies about this, but you never expect them to pan out! I was blown away and deeply honoured.”

Although we can’t be sure of Baker’s motives for coming on board – he declined to speak to us about the spin-offs – Baggs puts forward one theory: “I think from Colin’s point of view, he was doing a lot of theatre work after Doctor Who, so why not give up a few days and potentially invest in me, fool that he was,” he says with a laugh.

“From his point of view, I had no profile. He didn’t know me from Adam, apart from being this potentially up-and-coming director. But if you show passion and desire then often people will support you.”

Whatever the reason, Baker did join the project. And despite Baggs becoming cripplingly star-struck after meeting him at rehearsals (“I asked him for a cup of tea and disappeared down the corridor!”), filming soon started in true Doctor Who style: in an empty quarry – the same one, in fact, where Baker had filmed Attack of the Cybermen years earlier.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/xanrcw

Like Wartime, this drama had a minuscule budget (just £3000 in total) and, as with the majority of Doctor Who’s 1980s episodes, it hasn’t aged well. Baker’s wonderfully understated performance, however, still shines through. He’s quiet and thoughtful throughout, showing fans exactly what his widely-criticised Doctor could have been.

As Mark Gatiss later told Doctor Who magazine (issue 332) about the films: “I remember watching them and thinking they didn’t look very flashy, but in terms of trying to portray real characters they were a massive improvement on Doctor Who!”

Gatiss wasn’t the only one taken with Summoned by Shadows and what would become ‘The Stranger series’ – thousands bought the films on VHS by post and at conventions.

Demand became too high, in fact. “I had to set up three VHS machines in my bedroom and I was duplicating videos through the night,” says Baggs, recalling how he had to call on his parents to help his videotaping “mini-factory”.

Above: a clip from The Stranger: More than a Messiah

So many copies would be sold, in fact, that by 1993 Baggs had the confidence to embark on a project bigger than anything he done before: a one-off special for Who’s 30th Birthday, The Airzone Solution, the film that would eventually feature a scantily-clad Colin Baker.

Fortunately, that scene doesn’t represent most of the film. Penned by the emerging Nicholas Briggs, Airzone was an environmental thriller set in a near-future Britain where pollution forces the government to build giant filtration plants to clean the dying planet.

And in true Doctor Who style, these centres actually serve a much more sinister agenda: kidnapping and experimenting on innocents to create a new species of human.

Baker once again signed onto the project and Baggs convinced Peter Davison to jump aboard (“that was another moment of punching the air!” Baggs recalls). This was soon followed by McCoy, a monumental achievement considering he was technically still Who’s incumbent Doctor.

Like previous spin-offs, this was by no means a major project with BBC1 exposure and a large pay-packet. But, for McCoy at least, it was a way of keeping the fandom thriving.

“We wanted to feed a hunger that was alive at that time for more Doctor Who,” he says. “I knew the BBC had made a huge mistake by putting Doctor Who into hiatus. I also knew the fans loved [the spin-offs]. For the fans I thought ‘yeah I’ll do this!’”

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Furthermore, with a TV revival appearing absurdly unlikely in 1993, McCoy considered the project the only way Who could survive on screen.

“You might find this hard to believe, but I don’t really have a Tardis. I couldn’t really travel back in time and tell everyone ‘we’re going to make a TV film and then they’re going to bring it back again!’” he chuckles.

With these three star signings, others followed suit. Actors including Nicola Bryant, original Davros star Michael Wisher and the then-relatively-unknown Alan Cumming all joined the film.

But then someone even the omni-ambitious Baggs thought too unattainable got in touch: Jon Pertwee, The Third Doctor. “Sylvester came to me one day and he said ‘I’ve been speaking to Jon Pertwee and he’s been asking why he’s not in it. He might get in touch!’” Baggs remembers.

Sure enough, the call came, with Baggs happily at the former Doctor’s mercy. “It was very charming to actually have an actor so connected to the show call and say ‘I’m in it, whether you like it or not!’”

Pertwee may have been completely unfamiliar with the script when he turned up to set the next day – Peter Davidson actually had to hold up cue cards for him during scenes – but in it he was. And for two days, four Doctor Who leads were brought together for some good old-fashioned low-budget sci-fi.

“It obviously didn’t have quite the financial support that the BBC gave Doctor Who. But it was great because the fans were so involved,” recalls McCoy “We were treated very well. We all had a great time!”

McCoy’s recollections of the shoot are all positive, whether teasing Baker “for taking his job”, filming a chase scene that would fail any modern risk assessment (“I took my glasses off and would be driving around half blind!”), or simply spending time with his Doctor Who co-stars.

“I remember filming and just sharing the day with Colin, Peter and the glorious Jon Pertwee. It was great because it was still alive. When the BBC stopped it, you thought ‘well, that’s it, goodbye’. Doctor Who is one of the great jobs,” he says.

“And although this wasn’t Doctor Who, it was very like Doctor Who.”

The Pandorica opens

As suddenly as the Tardis surfacing from the time vortex, a whole series of Doctor Who spin-offs materialised after The Airzone Solution. Some good. Some bad. All brilliantly weird.

For ReelTime, the makers of Wartime, the next Who project entailed a team-up between Elisabeth Sladen’s Sarah Jane Smith and The Brigadier (a role reprised by original actor Nicholas Courtney) in a story called Downtime featuring the Great Intelligence and some gloriously low-budget Yeti monsters.

This was followed up by adventures featuring Sontarans, a Shakespeare-loving Draconian and even former Doctor Who companion Sophie Aldred, this time playing an unnamed character with, completely coincidently, the same direct way with words as Ace.

But while these characters were typically used with the BBC’s permission, other spin-offs – mostly those created by maverick Bill Baggs under BBV Pictures – simply gave a heavy nod to Who, such as the murderous robotic machines featured in Cyberon or the aforementioned interstellar traveller The Stranger.

But despite the glaring similarities, there seemed to be little fear of the BBC shutting down production. “We didn’t care!” laughs McCoy, who starred in many of Baggs’s later spin-offs. “They deserved to get annoyed because they abandoned it and the fans!”

On other occasions the dramas blended the show’s characters and actors in ways that, simply put, just didn’t make a lot of sense – even by Doctor Who’s timey-wimey standards.

Take the Torchwood-esque PROBE series, directed by Baggs and penned by future Who and Sherlock stalwart Mark Gatiss, a writer slowly gaining success with The League of Gentlemen at the time.

This mid-1990s series centred on the Preternatural Research Bureau, a paranormal investigations unit led by classic Doctor Who companion Liz Shaw, a character Baggs had got permission to use. Original actor Caroline John even reprised the role, a casting that appeared to ground the drama firmly within the world of Who.

However, for rights reasons PROBE wasn’t permitted to mention The Doctor or most events surrounding the show – a restriction that meant Liz was forced not to recognise a non-Time Lord character played by John Pertwee, an actor she had shared adventures with during his tenure as The Doctor.

Mostly, however, the spin-offs followed new characters battling old Doctor Who baddies as they wreaked havoc over the planet. Most notable of which were the Auton films.

Featuring the likes of Reece Shearsmith and CGI that rivalled that seen in the 2005 revival show, the first two of BBV’s ‘Auton Trilogy’ of the late nineties are widely considered the best independent Who spin-offs.

“They are by no means perfect, in fact they’re horribly flawed. But I wrote and directed both of them under fairly impossible budgetary and time constraints, with a lovely team of actors,” says Nicholas Briggs. “I think we managed to create something that worked pretty well.”

However, Auton’s biggest impact on the Who fandom came just before the revival of the main show. Just as the BBC had to reach a deal with the Terry Nation estate to use the Daleks in the show (negotiations that fell through at one point overallegations the broadcaster wanted to make a ‘gay Dalek’ cartoon), they had to consult Bill Baggs, who still held the rights to the Autons thanks to an agreement with the estate of creator Robert Holmes.

“Before it restarted, the BBC phoned me up and asked me if was okay for me to do an Auton show,” laughs Baggs.

“I told this to my wife thinking she wouldn’t say anything, but it happened to be the weekend she was at the Gallifrey convention. And a bit later I got a phone call saying ‘why does the whole universe know that the first episode is an Auton one?!’ I had to apologise humbly.”

Furthermore, some have said characters created for these fan-made spin-offs may have actually inspired those that appear in the main show. Foremost of which: Kate Lethbridge-Stewart, UNIT commander and daughter of the Brigadier.

Kate appeared in Chris Chibnall’s The Power of Three in 2012 and the 50thanniversary special The Day of the Doctor – but a character with the same name, background and blonde hair first featured in fan-made film Downtime 17 years earlier.

“Let’s just say we came to an accommodation,” says Downtime producer Barnfather on his subsequent chats with the BBC around their use of the character. “I would never do anything that would hurt the programme or bring it into disrepute.”

Yet Kate Stewart aside, can we say these fan-made spin-offs really gave more to Doctor Who than they took? Did they really inspire the plots of modern Who? Considering the stories the show has produced since its 2005 revival: absolutely not.

However, what if you judge the impact of the spin-offs by the talent they gifted to the main show years later? Well, that’s when things get a lot more interesting…

Stars are born

However flawed these films were, they’re where the Who writers of today learned their craft. They didn’t just make talent like Mark Gatiss and Big Finish head Nick Briggs known amongst dedicated fans, they also gave them a platform to jump to the main show. And, even more importantly, they nurtured the creativity needed for their later projects.

Briggs is the prime example here. Through his extensive work in the world of unlicensed Who he perfected performing Dalek voices, mastering the equipment and vocal tics needed to make a convincing tinpot terror. And this meant when the BBC announced the Doctor Who revival, Russell T Davies was quick to get Briggs on board.

“[Davies] had me in mind from the moment he’d decided he was bringing the Daleks back – not just because he thought I was good at doing Dalek voices, but because he was aware that I had the technical know-how to recreate them,” Briggs explains. “In the absence of a BBC Radiophonic Workshop, I was the sort of total solution. Very lucky for me.”

However, the spin-offs did much more than offer Briggs a route onto the main show. “Any ‘turn around the block’ creating something, no matter how flawed, is invaluable experience for a writer or director or any kind of creative person,” he says.

“It’s one thing to dream, but it’s quite another thing to get the practical experience of actually creating and finishing something.

“[The spin-offs] gave us a real ‘go’ at bringing a dream to life, and helped us realise that we could not only create something, but create something worthy of an audience.

“Actually making things engenders a feeling of permission to create. That’s a big hurdle for any creative person. Do I have the right to create, to communicate, to entertain? Having practice at making something helps to give you that feeling of permission.”

Mark Gatiss echoed a similar sentiment in a League of Gentlemen blog, explaining that although he didn’t want it to be released on DVD, he had gained valuable experience writing The Zero Imperative, his first ever TV script.

“Christ, for all I knew, they were the only things I would ever get to make,” he said. “And I learned a frightening amount from working on them.”

And one of the lessons Gatiss appears to have learned is how to work with some tricky characters. Namely, Bill Baggs.

“I’m a constant meddler when it comes to the scripts,” recalls Baggs. “But Mark tolerated that really well. I remember we would sit together and improvise scenes, which I loved. I’d like to get hold of his writing sometimes and give it a tweak and an edit, but I take my hat off to him. He’s been so successful. There’s nobody else who deserves more and having that experience with him is fantastic.

“But Mark probably wouldn’t have his career in Doctor Who without BBV.”

So, why didn’t Baggs end up working on Doctor Who like Gatiss? Why is it that the man at the heart of the unofficial fandom spent, as he puts it, “a lot of time wondering when the phone was going to ring”?

Rather than being asked to direct an episode, why did Baggs fail to break through to the show, instead funnelling his energy into an alternative medicine, Emotional Energy Healing, and becoming an ‘Akki energetics practitioner’?

Despite Baggs’s assertion that he could work on the main show if he wanted to but simply chooses not to, there could be another reason behind his absence. As Gatiss once told Doctor Who magazine, although he had a “great time”, Baggs “had some very strange ideas as a producer.”

And although Gatiss was referring to Baggs’s tendency to swap scenes around “arbitrarily”, this isn’t one of the strange ideas that fans eventually knew him for.

The misadventures of Doctor Screw

We should say this up front: Bill Baggs wasn’t the first to bring sex into the Whoniverse. During the show’s hiatus years, characters such as Bernice Summerfield (written as a companion of Sylvester McCoy’s Seventh Doctor) were often portrayed enjoying some, shall we say, advanced docking maneuverers on the Tardis. Summerfield even apparently had a fumble with The Eighth Doctor himself in book The Dying Days.

However, while ReelTime Pictures kept their films PG and in a similar style and ilk to the main show, stablemate BBV and Bill Baggs became ever more proactive in bringing the saucier side of Who to screen.

That image of a naked Colin Baker we brought up before? The one where he romped with Nicola Bryant, who played Peri in Who? That was thanks to Baggs, who directed the unscripted scene (from under the bed – “I had to! There was no space in that room!”) against the wishes of writer Nicholas Briggs.

“I’m credited as the writer of The Airzone Solution, but I did not write that scene,” Briggs says adamantly. “It was irrelevant to the plot. [Baggs] seemed to agree with me. But I later found out that he just gave up arguing because he could see I wouldn’t change my mind. Then he deliberately deceived me and wrote the scene in any way.”

Baggs, however, stands by it. “Everyone had an opinion about it,” he says. “People got grossed out by it and some found no problem at all.”

But that scene was nothing compared to 2008’s Zygon: When Being You Just Isn’t Enough, dubbed by one reviewer as “the only Zygon-based soft-porn film ever to have been made”. And that’s not an exaggeration. Fortunately, it doesn’t feature the red starfish-like aliens making use of their suckers, but the 18-rated film does see the Zygons at the centre of some very NSFW activities in human form.

Although billed as a serious drama, Baggs openly says it was initially envisioned as something more titillating. “I met a guy at a convention who was into soft porn and he convinced me there was a market for it – not that I had a massive desire to produce a soft porn film, but you’re always interested as a director/producer what markets there were.”

But looking back now, Baggs concedes the project was a misstep. “It was my mistake and nobody else’s,” he adds, before quickly adding: “I’m glad I tried it, though. It was a massive learning experience.”

Zygon wasn’t quite the end of Baggs’s spin-off ideas, with BBV releasing When to Die, a PROBE drama in memory of Liz Shaw star Caroline John in 2012.

However, since then Baggs has been focused on producing theatre dramas, and although he and McCoy still enjoy times together at conventions, the sun has set on the golden time (and space) of BBV films.

A fandom regenerates

26th March 2005, 7pm. For fans across the world, this was the moment the ‘real’ Doctor Who returned to screens. After over 15 years of waiting, the universe’s foremost Time Lord returned in a regular series, captivating a whole new generation of Whovians.

But for the makers of the spin-off films, it was a bittersweet moment. Producers like Bill Baggs had spent years trying to cater for fans with nowhere else to go, fuelling the fandom with films made possible by pure passion for Who. And now it was over: the fans just didn’t need BBV.

As Baggs says, “It was frustrating on one hand and utterly delighting on the other.

“Before they announced they were reviving Who, Alan Cumming and I were actually going to do a special drama, an anniversary special for BBC South with Alan Cumming as The Doctor,” he laments. “But we ended up getting a call from a Who producer telling us we had to stop because the show was coming back – that’s when I first found out.”

Today BBV only operates a small web business and while Barnfather and ReelTime Pictures still film an occasional Who spin-off, they mostly specialise in the likes of archaeological videos in the Greek world (“We’ve got quite the reputation in Cyprus”).

Yet some still claim that fans owe a great debt to Barnfather and Baggs. “Thereason why we’ve got Doctor Who now on television is thanks to those fans who did it way back then,” says McCoy. “The fans of today should be thankful to him because he helped keep alive Doctor Who.”

But is it really true that without their work keeping the fandom alive, the BBC would have never recommissioned the show? Not everyone is convinced.

“That’s absolutely rubbish,” says Barnfather. “The programme would have come back – it’s a franchise that will never die! Even if the Doctor Who fandom didn’t exist, the BBC would have brought it back.”

“The facts just don’t support it,” agrees Briggs. “The people who made the decision to bring back Doctor Who to television had no idea that any of these things existed.”

Yet while it may not be the reason for Doctor Who’s revival, it’s undeniable that these films fostered talent that would change the Tardis forever.

Perhaps more than anything, the films represent how the fandom and the series are forever intertwined. These 25 forgotten spin-offs demonstrate that the line between dedicated fans and the show is beautifully permeable, ideas and talent forever travelling between the two.

And that’s still true to this day. Remember WhoLock, the viral video that imagined two of TV’s greatest characters together? Or the perfect fan-made trailer for Peter Capaldi’s first series? The editor of these films, who goes by the pseudonym John Smith, actually went on to work as a VFX artist for Doctor Who.

This is the real beauty of Who: its fans are constantly creating, inventing new ideas that could make their way on screen in years to come. It’s a collaboration that makes Who and its lead Time Lord arguably stronger than any other sci-fi fandom.

And sure, this symbiotic relationship might bring to light some of the stranger facets of the fandom, or a nymphomaniac Zygon or two. But, just like the Tardis, these spin-offs have often taken The Doctor where he didn’t want to go, but precisely where he needed to.