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#look!! it’s an easier word than saying gay & trans (bi & trans but I’m dating a guy so like
mnikhowozu · 2 years
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writing down my revised dethklok sexuality/gender etc headcanons let’s gooo (* indicates AU dependent)
nathan: he/him | cis | queer | notes: not great at choosing a label, probably just prefers queer. pretty quiet about it because he doesn’t really seem to feel the need to bring up personal stuff like that very often, honestly.
pickles: he/him | trans man | bisexual | notes: used to ID as a lesbian before he figured some stuff out, and still feels a lot of kinship towards them, especially butches. stealth and closeted to the public, as he was famous in the 80s and was generally aware of the world.
murderface: he/him | cis | gay | notes: obviously this is in the subtext of the show. i think he experiences a lot of comp het and clearly has a lot of complicated feelings around it. super in the closet, poor guy. also definitely potentially a bear i mean come on
toki: he/they | demiguy (?) | pan & ace-spec | notes: in the context of the show he doesn’t seem to often seem deeply interested in sex? but definitely in romance! i’m guessing he might be grey-ace or demisexual. as for gender, he strikes me as someone who doesn’t have a hugely strong connection to being a man. big NB energies. could be AFAB or AMAB, i personally really like the headcanon that he’s intersex! i think out of anyone he’d be more into actually looking into this and figuring out what words he’d like to use.
skwisgaar: he/she/they | genderfluid, transfemme | pansexual & aro-spec | notes: obviously falls into the trap that most of his band mates do about realizing their own sexuality, but i think she’d eventually come around. definitely transfemme, i think, but tends to use he/him most, as his grip on the english language is tenuous as is and it’s just a bit easier—but definitely appreciates being called she & they as well. obviously very fluid around their gender/sexuality and very chill & comfortable with himself once they figure it out. also obviously not really an overly romantic person, their disposition and enjoyment of dates/wooing people doesn’t necessarily mean he’s romantically in love. also probably really into open relationships.
BONUS:
charles: he/him | trans man | bi & ace-spec | notes: just like it says on the label. he’s very private about this. also probably kinky honestly but that’s none of dethklok’s business
magnus: he/him | binary man* | bisexual/queer | notes: i could see him going either way as a cis or trans man, but a man either way. a little more out about his queerness than, say, pickles, but it also helps that he’s not really in the public eye as heavily. has had relationships with all sorts of people in his life, and tends to be pretty open and understanding about queer stuff. some of his thoughts and perspectives on things, much like pickles, would probably be seen as “dated”, but that’s fine and he doesn’t particularly care.
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elmeregg · 9 days
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(Re)understanding Sexuality
One thing I didn't really expect to change for me was my understanding of sexuality. I've heard a lot about people's sexual orientation changing quite a bit when coming out and starting hrt. For instance, I've heard a couple of trans masculine people share that before they realized they were trans, they thought they were lesbian but ended up realizing they were either bisexual or gay. They stated that they knew they were queer but it took a while to figure out the right kind of gay and testosterone made their attraction more obvious. 
I know that it's possible my journey will be similar since I haven't been on t for very long, however, I've been pretty in touch with that part of myself. I don't think I'll realize I'm something other than bisexual. However, this isn’t to say that I haven’t (and will continue) to reflect on my sexuality. For one, my transition puts into context the numerous crushes I’ve had on gay men before I came out. I get it could happen to pretty much everyone and for a majority of them, I didn’t know they were gay until later on but it's been like half of my crushes on men were on queer men. I have to admit, knowing that I am attracted to queer men as a queer man, rather than being attracted to men as a woman, makes so much more sense. 
Another revelation was that rather than being a bisexual woman, I’m now a bisexual man. I’ll admit, it's softened by the fact I have another more dominant, intense queer label, but it does still change it. It's a lot easier to be a bi woman than a bi man. This isn’t to say that bi women don’t have their own bs like being seen as always down for 3somes as well as the shared believe that bi people eventually “pick a side” or that we’re more likely to be infidelious. But when I came out as bisexual when I was still living as a woman, it never got the impression that it made people think of me differently. This isn’t the impression I have of men coming out as bi. My understanding is that bi men coming out have a more similar experience to gay men than bi women have to lesbians. I think a lot of this comes down to the fact that when you're bisexual, people tend to think that you're really just only attracted to men/masculinity regardless of your gender. In other words, bi women are basically straight but bi men are basically gay. 
I believe that there’s an added layer resulting from residual homophobia from the hiv scare that isn’t as obvious. HIV is still seen as a gay man’s disease, and because of that bi men are seen as inoculating innocent straight women with this terminal illness. (There was actually a really great yt video on this by verilybitchie that brought this to light for me). The biggest takeaway I’ve gotten from this is that I’m worried that if and when I pass and start dating women, that I’ll be looked down upon for being bisexual. I don’t know if this really makes sense since transphobia is much more likely to be the problem than biphobia. I think that’s because so much of my understanding and discussions of bisexual people assume cisgenderism. I don’t think that I have the experiences or knowledge to add to this yet. The one thing I can think of is how cis bi people attempt (and fail) to reassure us by stating that they like both. It implies that the body and genitals exclusively determine sexual attraction and therefore perceived gender. It wasn’t saying I'm attracted to you as you are or something along the lines of I find the way that you carry yourself just as important as your physical appearance to my attraction or any other ways of affirming the trans person’s gender and your attraction to it. But that’s a conversation for a different time.
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glittergroovy · 3 years
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Pride
Dear nonnie who requested that I write something for Pride month, I'm so, so sorry! Somehow this got lost in my inbox and I didn't see it until I started working on 'Bargain' this afternoon. Please accept this humble ficlet and my deepest apologies. <3
I'm kind of nervous about this one. I know coming out is a deeply personal experience and I'm not sure I wrote it terribly well. Please know that you are loved, valued, cherished, and accepted just as you are. I know for many people the struggle is so much greater than what I wrote in this ficlet. You are all amazing. <3
cw: Internalized homophobia, homophobic parents (happy ending)
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June 12, 1999
"Hey!" Harry said, bursting into Draco's room like it was his own.
Draco looked up from the essay he was writing, the last one he needed to finish for his eighth year at Hogwarts. "Hi," he replied and he couldn't help but admire the dimple that stood out on Harry's cheek as he smiled at him.
"Some of us are heading down to Hogsmeade for the pride celebration they're having there tonight," Harry said. "Did you want to come?"
His brow furrowed, "Pride? Like house pride?"
Harry laughed but not unkindly like it would have been prior to this year, "No, like gay pride. It's to celebrate people who are lgbtq+, to affirm their dignity and worth as human beings, you know?"
Draco felt his cheeks flushing hot, "I'm not," he managed through the way it felt like someone had closed off his airway, shaking his head, "I'm not gay!"
"Err," Harry said, scratching the back of his neck, "Right, I wasn't trying to imply anything. Just," he shrugged, "I think I'm bi, and there's GInny and Luna," he continued, stumbling over his words.
"But I'm not!" he protested
"Right," Harry repeated, brow furrowing, "We just thought..." he trailed off, "Ron, who's like as straight as they come is coming too, to show his support."
"I can't," Draco said. "I've got all this work to do, I just-"
"It's okay," Harry said, shaking his head and holding out a hand, "Totally fine, sorry to have bothered you," he added as he quickly fled the room before Draco could say anything else.
(Continue reading below the cut)
He stared after him, still feeling panicked and full of regret at the same time.
Malfoys aren't gay. Malfoys aren't gay. Malfoys aren't gay.
And in spite of the fact that he'd told Harry he needed to finish his essay, he spent the rest of the night trying to get his heart to slow down, his breathing to come easier, and his mind to stop spinning.
The essay remained untouched.
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June 9, 2000
Draco was having murderous thoughts.
They had a tradition on Fridays that everyone who lived in Grimmauld sat down together for dinner and if you were dating someone, you were allowed to bring them home with you for dinner. Draco never brought anyone home because the women he dated were so unattractive to him that he just couldn't bring himself to see them for more than a date or two.
Harry, on the other hand was always bringing someone home. He had men and women there with him every week. Usually, it was a different person every week and that didn't bother Draco all that much. But he'd been seeing Conor for six weeks now and the way the other man was always clinging to Harry, always laughing and batting his eyelashes at him; it made Draco feel ready to kill him.
"So I was thinking," Harry said when there was a lull in the conversation, "The Leaky is having a Pride Night celebration tomorrow. Maybe we should all go together?" he asked hopefully.
There were murmurs of approval all around the table and Draco dropped his gaze to his plate, his palms started to itch. Malfoys aren't gay. Malfoys aren't gay.
"What about you, Draco?" Conor asked, all toothy smiles as he rested his arm around Harry's shoulders.
He couldn't help but look over at Harry who was suddenly watching him in that way that made him feel like he was being held under a magnifying glass. People thought that Harry was oblivious but Draco knew they were wrong. Harry knew everything about Draco just from watching him.
Draco swallowed, "Yeah," he managed. "Yeah. I can come for a bit."
Harry smiled at him then, soft and sweet, his dimples showing, "Yeah?" he asked.
And Draco was fairly certain there was nothing he could have said no to when Harry asked like that, so he nodded.
"Great!" Conor enthused and the moment dissipated like fog in the sun. "It'll be so fun to have all of your friends there, babe."
"Err," Harry said, looking over at Conor, "Yeah. Totally." Then he turned back to look at Draco once more, "Yeah," he said again.
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June 10, 2000
Draco had made a mistake.
Malfoys aren't gay. Malfoys aren't gay. Malfoys aren't gay.
"Hey!" Harry said, appearing out of nowhere and wrapping an arm around Draco, "I'm so glad you're here."
"Me too," he lied.
"Come on," Harry said, "Let me introduce you to some people."
Draco spent the next hour meeting all sorts of people, he listened to people telling their stories, people who were claiming their own lives and destinies, and all he could feel was loss.
Every person he listened to felt like another stone tied around his neck, their joy and freedom made him feel even more trapped. Harry went to fetch drinks as he listened to a trans woman named Jocelyn talking about how difficult it had been to come out to her family. And it was the final straw, he lost it. Tears slipped from his eyes and before he could do anything, she was hugging him, "We've all been where you are," she whispered.
He shook his head and pulled back, "I'm not-" he covered his mouth, he couldn't quite force out the lie.
She nodded knowingly, "We've all been there, too."
"I've got to go," he managed, rising on shaking legs and making his way out of the bar as quickly as he could.
When he got outside he bent over, resting his hands on his knees and trying to catch his breath.
"Draco!" he heard as the door opened and he wasn't ready for this.
"Don't," he said, standing up and holding out his hands to stop Harry from coming any closer.
"What's wrong?" Harry asked, eyebrows furrowing in concern and Draco hated it.
"Malfoys aren't gay!" he exploded.
"What?" Harry asked as though his words hadn't been perfectly clear.
"Malfoys aren't gay," he repeated.
Harry tilted his head at him, "Alright."
"So you can stop this," he said, gesturing at the door. "I don't need help coming out. I'm not gay," he spat.
"I'm not trying to help you come out," Harry said, his voice measured and calm in a way that told Draco just how hard he was working at not getting emotional. "I just wanted to introduce you to-"
"Bull shit," he hissed. "Every person you 'introduced me to' told me about coming out."
"It's Pride, Draco. They're," he stopped and corrected himself, "We're celebrating coming out. We're celebrating not hiding who we are anymore. If you think it's about you, well," he shrugged a shoulder, "You probably have more in common with us than you want to admit."
"I'm not gay!" he shouted, shoving Harry away from him.
There was a flash of hurt across Harry's face before he put his hands on his hips and that fire that Draco so remembered from Hogwarts filled his eyes. "No one said you were!" Harry shouted back. "And if you were so afraid of having people think you are, why did you even come in the first place?"
"I guess I shouldn't have."
Harry took a step back away from him, shaking his head, "I guess not." He turned on his heel and stalked back into the bar, leaving Draco standing on the sidewalk, shaking as the adrenaline flooded through him.
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June 11, 2000
It wasn't quite morning when Draco heard a soft knock at his door.
With no small amount of effort, he reached for his wand and cast a spell to open it. Harry was standing in the doorway and Draco huffed, "I've already packed," he said. "I'll leave in the morning."
"What?" Harry asked, sounding panicked, "No!" he said, stepping across the threshold of Draco's room and moving to the chair across from Draco's bed. "No," he repeated. "Draco, please don't leave. I'm sorry. Alright?" Harry said. "I shouldn't-"
"You're sorry?" Draco asked, sitting up and staring at the other boy, "No, I'm sorry," he said, quickly. "I was awful and I didn't le-"
"No," Harry said, shaking his head, "It's my fault. I shouldn't-"
"I'm gay," Draco blurted and then realized what he'd just admitted. He covered his mouth with his hand and his eyes filled with tears.
"Hey," Harry whispered, climbing onto the bed next to him and pulling Draco into his arms, "It's okay."
Draco shook his head but couldn't manage any words around the sob that was choking him.
"It's okay," Harry soothed, stroking his fingers through Draco's hair and rocking him. "I've got you," he breathed. "You're safe," he said, "You're safe," he repeated. "You're loved and you're accepted," he told him, "I've got you."
Draco sobbed, all of the fear, and the guilt, and the shame was built up high in his chest and he felt like he couldn't breathe around it.
"Okay," Harry soothed, "Slow breaths with me, yeah? Just try to match your breathing to mine," he said, his hand rubbing soothingly over Draco's back.
He sucked in a deep, gasping breath that burned all the way down into his lungs.
"That's it," Harry encouraged, "You're alright."
He continued breathing slowly and Draco tried to mirror it until his sobbing was just the occasional hiccup and the tears were just trickling out of his eyes.
"Okay," Harry breathed. "Better?"
Draco nodded and pulled back, "Sorry," he murmured, then he caught sight of Harry's shirt covered in tears and snot and wished that the earth would open up and swallow him, "Salazar, I'm sorry," he said, reaching for his wand and casting a hasty drying charm followed by a cleaning charm.
"It's fine," Harry said, reaching out to still Draco's motions. "It's fine," he repeated. "Look, I didn't mean to pressure you into coming out," he said. "I won't tell anyone," he added hastily.
He shook his head, "It's eating me up inside." Draco wiped the tears off his face, "I'm going to die alone."
"Don't say that," Harry said.
"Well it's true!" he said, "What am I supposed to tell my parents?"
Harry took his hand, "It's up to you," he said softly. "I won't pretend to understand the challenges you're facing. My parents are dead."
"Oh, thanks. Play the dead parent card."
Harry huffed a laugh, "Shut up. I'm trying to say that I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. It's not an easy decision and I want you to know that I am here for you, that I support you, no matter what."
His eyes filled with tears and he let out a groan, "Stop it."
The other boy wrapped his arms around him, "No."
"What is this?" he asked, from where his face was buried in Harry's neck.
"Affection."
"Disgusting," he murmured.
"Want me to stop?"
He shook his head because when Harry wasn't hugging him everything felt a little too big and a little too close.
And he had no idea what he was going to do but when Harry was holding him it didn't seem quite so scary.
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A few weeks later, he and Harry had started dating in secret. Harry was very sweet, very patient as Draco struggled against years of deeply ingrained negative thoughts. Draco still felt like he was a bit of a burden but Harry always insisted he wasn't.
Just over a month after that, Hermione had figured it out on her own, Pansy had tricked him into confessing, and Ron had walked in on the two of them making out on Harry's bed.
And the world didn't end.
Slowly, over the course of the next seven months, they told all of their friends. Everyone was supportive. Everyone was happy for them, happy for him that he'd decided to walk in the truth.
Truth be told, he was happy too. His anxiety still got the worst of him some days and his fear was sometimes bigger than anything else but he got through those days and those days slowly became fewer and fewer.
He got comfortable with Harry; comfortable holding hands, comfortable with casual kisses, comfortable with bickering that turned into flirting, just comfortable in his skin.
One chilly March morning, he and Harry were out to breakfast and they were laughing and teasing each other, like they always did and Draco was happy all the way down to his toes.
He looked across the table at Harry, "You've got whipped cream on your mouth," he laughed.
Harry stuck his tongue out and missed completely.
"Here," he said with a laugh, "Let me," he added as he grabbed the front of Harry's jumper and pulled him close so he could kiss it off his grinning face.
He was pulling back to check that he'd gotten it all when he heard a gasp that he would have recognized anywhere. Draco would never be quite sure what his face and body language were saying at that moment but Harry was instantly on alert, scanning the room for danger. "Shit," he breathed.
"Draco Lucius Malfoy," his mother hissed. "What in Merlin's name do you think you are doing."
"Don't make a scene, mother," he said and even he was surprised at how calm the words came out.
"I don't think that I am the one making a scene, Draco."
"Mrs. Malfoy," Harry said, "Why don't we go somewhere more private for this conversation."
"Oh no," she said, "I don't think there is any conversation to be had. Draco, we'll be leaving. Right this instant."
Draco looked at her, at the woman who had dried his tears, who had sacrificed for him, who had given him life and his heart yearned for her. He longed to reach out and hold her hand like he had when he was young, to let her reassure him that everything would be alright. And it could be. He knew if he walked away with her today, he'd go back to living the life that had been planned for him.
But then he looked at Harry and all he could see was freedom. His heart expanded as he remembered the late nights talking over a bottle of wine, the early mornings as the sun filtered in through Harry's window and painted him golden. He remembered the cuddles on the couch and the evenings spent cooking dinner together. And he knew that he could never go back. He could never live a life of duty and obligation knowing that this one was possible.
"I love you," he said softly as he stared at Harry.
The other man blinked before his mouth curved up in a grin, his dimples showing, "I love you, too."
He reached for Harry's hand to ground himself as he turned to his mother, "You know that I love you," he said to her, "but I can't live a lie. I can't be the boy that you wanted."
"Draco you are being ridiculous."
"Maybe," he replied. "But I never knew what it was like to be free before these past few months with Harry and I won't give them back."
She cast a belated muffliato. "There are plenty of Purebloods who are gay, Draco," she said, keeping her voice low, "You still have your obligation to have a pureblood heir. Marry a nice girl and take a lover if you must, but you will continue your bloodline."
He laughed, it sounded a bit hysterical even to his own ears. "Do you hear yourself?" he asked. "The Malfoy line can die with me. I'm not marrying some woman just to please you."
"Draco-"
"No," he said sharply. "No. I can't do this, mother. I can't be what you want me to be. I'm done." He shook his head, "You can accept this, accept me or not. Either way I am done."
She straightened her spine and smoothed the emotions from her features and Draco knew the decision she had made before she started speaking. He clasped Harry's hand tighter in his. "Very well, then," she said. "Good day," she murmured before she walked away without a backward glance.
They sat in silence for a moment before Harry asked, "Are you alright?"
"I don't know."
"What can I do?" he murmured, squeezing Draco's hand again.
"Can we go home?"
Harry nodded, "Yeah, love. Of course."
He apparated them back and they spend the afternoon cocooned in Harry's room until their friends came to find them for dinner.
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June 9, 2001
This year it's Draco who asked about going to the bar to celebrate Pride.
Harry smiled and pulled him in for a long kiss before nodding and getting dressed.
When they arrived, Draco slipped his fingers through Harry's holding his hand tightly; proud of Harry, proud of how far they've come, and proud of himself for how much he's grown and how brave he's become.
Several of the people he'd met the year before remembered him and are quick to congratulate him and welcome him again. The night was full of music and dancing, of listening to stories and starting to tell his own, it's everything Harry had made it sound like.
And he thought he might be happy, in spite of that little bit of his heart that always ached for his parents.
They're about to head up for another round of drinks when Harry tugged on his hand. "Look," he murmured, pointing to the door.
Draco followed his pointing and saw that there was a woman standing in the door who looked remarkably like his mother. "What?" he managed.
But Harry was already waving to her and nudging Draco forward.
"What?" he repeated when he was standing in front of her.
Without a word she wrapped her arms around him, enfolding him in the comforting feel and scent of his childhood.
"Mummy?" he whispered.
"Yes, darling," she replied, voice equally thick with tears.
Harry cleared his throat, "I'll fetch us some drinks. What can I get you Narcissa?" he asked.
"Whiskey neat," she replied without releasing her hold on Draco.
He pulled back after one more moment, "What are you doing here?"
"Where else could I be?" she asked. "When we didn't see you for your birthday last week," she shook her head. "Well, I knew that I was making a mistake."
Harry returned handing them their drinks and nodding toward a table nearby.
They headed over and she sat next to Draco, "You're my child, Draco," she said. "And I love you more than you can imagine."
He nodded once but didn't say anything. This sounded too much like the start to one of the 'I love you and if you love me, this is how you should act' talks.
"Fortunately, your Mr. Potter has sent quite regular correspondence."
"What?" Draco said, whipping his head around to look at Harry.
He nodded once but before Draco could question him his mother continued.
"He invited me to come tonight," she continued, "To support you. And I've missed so much already, how could I say no?"
"This isn't a phase," he said. "I'm not going to change my mind or be cured one day."
She nodded, "I know."
"Does father?"
She hummed, "We're getting there." She took his hand in her's, "For now, won't you introduce me to some of your new friends?"
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Two years later, when he and Harry got married, both of his parents were there, sitting right in the front row and cheering them on.
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Thanks for the prompt! I don't quite know what you were hoping for so I hope this is okay! <3
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dekusbrokenarms · 4 years
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Class 1-A Gender and Sexuality Journey Headcanons
This is mostly just me really liking messy self discovery because I am a messy bitch.
Kyoka Jirou
First off, Kyoka is a trans girl. She socially transitioned when she was really young and began medically transitioning in high school bc her parents are super supportive and great (we stan a supportive parent)
She first thinks she's bi when she's 14 and comes out as such at 15
She dates Kaminari for a while second year and after they break up she's pretty certain she's a lesbian
After high school, she has a couple years where gender is kinda nebulus. For a while thinks she's a nonbinary lesbian but then decides she's just GNC and punk but definitely full girl
She gets more comfortable in her gender after that, but starts questioning her sexuality again
And ends up back at bisexual, but like not attracted to dudes. Girls and nonbinary people only please
Also she and Momo reconnect in their mid twenties and hit it off and get married
Denki Kaminari
Denki is completely comfortable calling himself straight up until he's 17
But don't get it twisted, he definitely was already acutely aware he was into dudes
Because wow boys are pretty
But he also just kind of ignores it because OMFG GIRLS
But after his other friends start coming out, he gets more comfortable thinking about his sexuality but doesn't bother labelling it
Specifically he doesn't want to label it because he gets comfortable with it after her starts dating Kyoka and doesn't want anyone thinking he's calling himself not-straight for dating her
But a couple months after he breaks up with Kyoka, he starts fooling around with Hitoshi and like really he's at the point of no return so he just slaps the bi label on himself and goes about his day
Towards the end of third year, he starts playing around with GNC and really vibes with the genderqueer label, but still uses he pronouns because he's used to them
He and Hitoshi break up after graduation and Denki really throws himself into exploring his gender and sexuality
And starts using he and they pronouns and typically dresses on the masculine side of androgynous but with lots of cool makeup
He gives polyamory a shot, but he keeps finding himself feeling like he's third wheeling other people's relationships and decides its not for them
In their late twenties, he and Hitoshi hook up at a reunion party and hit it off. They keep things casual for several months before suddenly they decide to move in together and in a blink of an eye, they're in a legit committed relationship without knowing how it got there but it feels right to them.
Eijirou Kirishima
No flavor for this one. He figured out he was gay when he was 12 and it stuck. His moms are lesbians and support him wholeheartedly.
Katsuki Bakugou
I think Bakugou also grew up with queer people in his life so he was never really in the closet
He was pretty certain he was asexual and aromantic until Kirishima weedled his way into his heart
At 17, he decides that he's probably demi-pansexual and demiromantic but that feels like too much so he just says queer.
This boy knows all the words though. Keeps very up to date with the local and global state of queer communities but doesn't talk about it unless prompted or provoked
At first he was very private about his relationship with Kirishima because it was no one's fucking business but after seeing the rampant homophobia in the hero business, he became very loud and very proud of his boyfriend very fast
Eijirou and Katsuki probably got married at, like, 21 and did not give one shit when people pointed out they were young. And they're together for the rest of their lives so those fuckers can suck it
Mina Ashido
Mina is your classic bisexual disaster and spends her teens and early twenties going between calling herself straight, bi, and a lebsian depending on who she's currently into because this bitch has zero object permanence
She chills out in her twenties though and is comfortable calling herself bisexual at long last
Hanta Sero
Sero is pretty comfortable being straight right up until all his friends come out
He spends a couple months questioning his sexuality before knowing for certain he's straight
But he's that one straight dude that always ends up dating bi and pan girls by complete happenstance
Hitoshi Shinsou
He really does not know what his sexuality is
Sometimes its yes
Sometimes its no
He says queer because he can't be assed to look into any of the microlabels
He just knows he's not straight and that's good enough for him
Momo Yaoyorozu
This girl is a lesbian but trying to convince herself of that was A PROCESS
She denies it for years and years
Its not until after graduation she thinks, but doesn't dare say, she's bi because she tells herself she's "mostly into guys anyway" so "it doesn't really count"
Slowly her percentage shifts away from guys and to girls
She's 23 before she accepts she's a lesbian
But she doesn't come out until she's 28 because she's scared since her parents expect her to end up with a man
Ochako Uraraka
This girl is mostly into guys. Like she's pretty sure she's straight because all the crushes she had so far have been on boys
When she's 18, she starts to suspect she might like girls too but is really too shy to explore that feeling at first
But when she does? Oh boy she will not stop talking about how wonderful and perfect girls are and how unfortunate her attraction to men is because she feels insecure in her validity as a bisexual woman with a preference for men
Tsuyu Asui
Tsuyu has known she's a lesbian since she was 15 and was very comfortable with that
She questioned if she might be bi a time or two but always came back to being gay
She does realize she's an ace lesbian at 18 though but she's also okay with that
Her goals in life are to own a house by a lake with a beautiful wife
Tenya Iida
Tenya is pansexual
Literally he just cannot see why gender would be a factor in choosing a potential partner
He never came out because he was 20 before he realized that this was not the default state and others weren't just being picky by having a different sexuality
And by then, every knew because he made no attempts to hide his partners
He was really stressed at first about it, and asked Tensei why no one ever told him he should be more careful with publicly showing his sexuality but Tensei was just like "we just thought you knew what you were doing, dude. And it looks like it worked out"
Izuku Midoroya
Again, Izuku is too swept up in "nghh girls pretty" to think too much about his sexuality when he's younger
When he gets a crush on Shouto, he doesn't recognize it as a crush at first because it felt so natural and comfortable and he was used to being uncomfortable around people he liked
So he has a crush on Shouto for years before it hits him: Oh I'm not straight
He stays in that nebulous not-straight state for months because he does not have time to deal with that
But once he stops procrastinating his sexuality, he cannot decide if he's bisexual or pansexual or polysexual and he gets super wrapped up in researching microlabels and its super overwhelming
He even questions his gender for a little bit but settles on he's a cis man pretty quickly
He does eventually start dating Shouto and just calls himself gay for a while because it's easier than trying to piece together ten microlabels like he's tempted to do
However after Shouto begins exploring his gender identity, Izuku gets more comfortable just calling himself pan because he realizes that gender never really played a part in who he likes.
Shouto Todoroki
He came out as gay at 14 to piss off his father depsite the fact he didn't actually have any feelings about his sexuality at the time
No he decided he didn't care what his sexuality was. He was gonna be gay.
And he forgot he did that until he was 17 and was like, oh- I should probably figure out my actual sexuality, after being questioned due to his close relationship with Izuku
So he thought about it for about 15 seconds to say, well, I do like Izuku so I'll just be actually gay now
That stuck until after graduation and into his twenties when he started questioning his gender
He figured out he wasn't particularly attached to masculinity or femininity and found comfort in the agender label
They started using gender neutral pronouns and grew their hair out long but that's really all that changed
They came back to their sexuality after that and decided it was just "men"
Izuku tried to be helpful and offered terms like androsexual, but Shouto didn't find them very useful so they like to tell people their gender is no and their sexuality is dude
It gets the point across
Yuga Aoyoma
Okay, so we all know he’s gay
But despite how flamboyant he is, this boy is a closet case
He definitely had a crush on Izuku first year, but he couldn’t handle that yet so he definitely lived vicariously through Ochako’s crush on him
I don’t think he came out until after high school
And zero people were surprised
He probably does drag too
And he’d look fabulous doing so
Kouji Koda
I think Kouji is ace 
I don’t think this is a word he had for himself until he was in his mid twenties
He just assumed he was a late bloomer and he’d been told he just had a low self esteem
But he finds the ace community and suddenly everything makes sense and he feels comfortable in his own skin
Once that falls into place, he discovers he’s also aromantic
He ends up having a platonic life partner and they have lots of pets and plants together
Fumikage Tokoyami
Fumikage figured out he’s bisexual when interning under Hawks. Like fuck, he had the most embarrassing crush on this guy who’s aesthetic is so embarrassing
I don’t think he had much trouble accepting that he’s attracted to guys though
Like a demon lives in his head
He’s mostly suffering because he has a crush on his cheerful, friendly mentor
Dark Shadow is very happy about this development because it’s a chance to embarrass him and make him uncomfortable
Fumikage gets renewed interest in being able to control Dark Shadow to shut his whore mouth
Unfortunately Dark Shadows outs him to his mentor
Fortunately Hawks is really cool about it and tells DS to have some chill and doesn’t give Fumikage a hard time about it, but Fumikage doesn’t get invited back for another internship with him and finds himself assigned to do work with sidekicks afterwards
Mezou Shouji
Mezou doesn’t fuck with gender
It’s not that he necessarily feels disconnected from his masculinity but rather that he just feels like gender is archaic and useless
So he’s pan and bigender (male and agender)
Definitely would make jokes about be attracted to frying pans and this is how he comes out to Fumikage in their third year. 
Rikidou Sato
Rikidou doesn’t really date in high school
Soon after graduation he ends up in a relationship with a girl that lasts five years before he realizes he’s gay
One time someone tells him he should have known sooner since he likes baking so much and he punches them in the face (I like to imagine this person was Mineta for face punching purposes)
He ends up good pals with the woman he was dating and she’s his maid of honor at his wedding :’)
Tooru Hagakure, and Mashirao Ojiro
I’m sorry if one of them is your fave. They’re both straight and cis and have never questioned it even once. 
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bi-dazai · 3 years
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honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.
I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.
Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.
And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex
There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.
And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.
But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.
Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.
At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.
I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.
The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.
It was traumatic, to say the least.
Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.
It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.
At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.
And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.
I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.
Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.
As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.
Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.
I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.
But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.
I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.
At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.
I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.
I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.
But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.
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incarnateirony · 4 years
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I get blends of innocent beans confused with what queer coding is or isn’t, and malignant beans misappropriating points, so we’re gonna do a quick run through.
Queer coding started as a malignant thing. The truest use of the phrase “queer coding” came from stereotypes and villainizations that straight people found sCaRy. This is like, why Scar seemed classically flamboiyant, or a variety of Disney villains were long, lanky, gestured exaggeratedly, wore eyeliner, etc. There’s a million examples but I’m not going to cover them all because I think you get what I mean. At the time, straight culture was painting gays as bad so painting villains as how straights perceived gays was like, super useful, cuz it creeped the straights out oOOoooOOo.
When people talk about queer coding enforcing stereotypes, if you’re talking about the original form of queer coding, this is inherently true. However, coding reached other levels, and has adaptive forms.
For example, watching (as I’ve been mocked for saying 10,000 times, but because it’s needed) The Celluloid Closet will clear up a lot for you. Subversive queer coding is when queer creators use a great deal of things to communicate with a queer audience past censorship. The film documentary (if you can’t read the book -- which I understand, it’s difficult to find) clears a whole fuckton of this up.
There’s some things that, quite frankly, we as gays know as part of our language. It is what it is. While it’s not a stereotype, it’s quite literally a language I highly warn straights against stepping into, because then they flounder around confused on what’s our actual language and what’s a stereotype
A truly innocent bean asked of me yesterday, well why then is menthols fair subversive queer coding? How is that not a stereotype?
Well like, because it’s facts. And that’s really, really hard to wrap ones’ head around from an outsider straighty perspective or even someone who’s queer but trapped heavily in a hetnorm world outside of where this is visible and/or in the wrong demographic otherwise. A black person who hangs out with black people of all orientations is not going to blink at a media dude getting menthols generally, because it’s one of the cultures that statistically engages in it to the point of memes about Kools or whatever. That’s not my culture, I can’t comment on much beyond that, but it’s just something to take note of.
But even if you don’t want to take someone’s word on “no, seriously, white dudes smoking menthols is queer culture and literally like a great sign for a hookup to another queer white dude”, google the various intersections of gender and menthol, race and menthol, and sexuality and menthol.
This isn’t pulled out of thin air. These were populations quite literally heavily targeted by Big Tobacco and, by nature, are the ones that smoke it, whereas Big Tobacco put(s) on airs of masculinity and chick-magnetness to smoke good ol non-menthol shit. It’s literally marketing. Yes, it does literally impact who buys product and yes, it does after generations have a noticeable affect. Track the numbers I told you to google down and you’ll realize less than 3% of menthol smokers identify as straight white men (depending on the way the numbers sort out and the year of polling, often 1.x%, 3% is the liberal number).. Lemme tell you, on the street, that’s an “okay, honey :)” when you do find it. Maybe a little pat on the head. An invisible brochure for Welcome To The Gays.  Like, White Men make up more than 31% of America and they still refuse to tally more than 25% of the US as queer [some censuses as low as 6% and LOL] so like-- that should be like minimum 25% of dudes available and nope, 1-3%)
(that’s not to say all gays or even all white gays smoke menthol, but this is that rule of “not all fingers are thumbs, but all thumbs are fingers” in loose application.)
But understanding these things, these signals, from the outside is utterly flabbergasting to people.
No, someone making an immasculating joke is not subversive queer coding. No, a dude wearing a certain kind of shirt or eating a certain kind of food generally isn’t queer coding (Unless it’s a rainbow flag BITCH IM GAY shirt, or uh, maybe for food quiche or hummus? I mostly joke for the latter two, but that’s the kind of self ball punching queer community sometimes does to itself in awareness that yes, there ARE elements. No, eating hot dogs and burritos isn’t gay. Yes, we make make penis jokes. No, that isn’t itself queer coding.)
When a queer author codes a piece, it’s designed to communicate to the resonant audience. It also may not communicate to /all/ gays. The language of a middle aged cis gay man that lived through the AIDS crisis is a whole other fuckin adventure from the language of 17 year old trans gays squatting behind their Xbox, it’s just fact, it’s just what is. Completely different cultures and lives being lived, completely different experiences resulting. A few things here or there may connect across generations but some shit that’s written by a gen Z gay is gonna whiff by a boomer gay, sorry. Also just facts.
Explaining exactly what is and isn’t queer coding is almost impossible beyond the fact that “if you don’t get it, it’s probably not for you.” -- At the same time, that leaves the problematic room of people taking that grey area and packing in a bunch of shit and we’re back to ground zero on the original problematic queer coding.
I once read a meta of uh-- I’ll just say, [Fantasy Character]. The fantasy character had an addiction problem that gave them villain-like attributes. Someone implied the “villain coding” made it queer coding. Okay like. Fucking absolutely not. Because if the show in question WAS doing that, first off, that’s literally the kind to make mockeries of gay people so you literally shouldn’t be reaching for that and second off they’d be doing that lanky sassy bitch with eyeliner bullshit like Disney villains with it, give or take. You don’t apply this shit in reverse, “he has villain attributes and so he’s gay” is literally the worst possible angle to take a discussion while trying to slap fight in a representation arena. Like I can’t say enough DO NOT DO THIS SHIT. 
If you wanna write fic or headcanon whoever as gay or whatever have fun but like once people keep trying to talk about “coding” you’re talking about conscious elements inset by the authors. Does a character have a bunch of on the record sexual encounters that just happen to include dudes persistently even if we don’t exactly get the exact angle or Proof Of Dicking? That’s gay (also depending on the phrasing, as settled in older stuff, that’s just deadass queer text and settled long before this fandom ever had pissing matches about this shit in older cinema.) Does the character happen to be respectful and use like gender neutral pronouns on people? Sorry folks that unto itself isn’t gay, that’s gays writing allies at best, unless you can give specific and directly applicable situations relevant to the character rather than eternally vague blogging through and swearing up and down it’s just about their partners or some shit. Yelling it in general though, sorry, no. 
Does the character engage in things or events with non-het gendered partners that in the very least are heavily coded into the areas of relationships even if they’re unclear (eg, do they routinely go out with non-family people and hold deep or meaningful conversations in things that LOOK like a date, even if nobody SAYS it’s a date) -- congrats, you have coded text. Alone it could even be queerplat stuff, depending on the suprastructure of the plot, text, subtext and everything else around it (same way, gasp, a man and a woman can sit at a table and not necessarily be in a relationship, but if they’re trading courting gifts and having unique and powerful exchanges or have big like, “the heart is the thing that binds us together uwu” shit, we all figure out what the fuck is going on like grown assed adults.)
It’s easier to list things that are NOT subversive queer coding:
Insults against gay people
Immasculating commentary
Random foods short of it deadass being a gay author making fun of some gay meme shit in some gay equivalent of ‘right in front of my salad’
Favorite colors or clothing
---
We got it? Good. Rule of thumb though. Deadass unless you are involved in some thick-ass queer culture don’t try to queer code shit. I don’t even care if you’re queer yourself because that doesn’t mean you’ve actually been subject to the culture in a meaningful way. There’s 30 year old bis that grew up in white picket fence suburbias on top of trust funds with hovercraft parents guiding them through 17 degrees and keeping them out of party culture that married a het-passing relationship and settled down and started having babies and their grasp of queer culture ends at what they perceive out of memes online, if they even hover in actual queer crowds online at all as much as general ones. That person literally is not going to speak much of the language. They aren’t. At best they’ll speak the language of 30 year old trust fund het-married bisexual mothers which, I mean yeah, technically some queer language but that’s a very, very fucking niche experience path right there compared to street-dwelling club-goers that attend pride, hold D&D parties with all their coworkers they figured out are gay on the weekend, occasionally brick a window in a riot. The latter is gonna have a far more diverse queer experience. And by such, a far more diverse queer language.
That’s not even to gatekeep. 30 year old trust fund het-passing-marriage bi-mom is in fact bi. So yeah, they’re queer. But we’re talking about language and culture, which is related to but not something you inherit. It comes by lives and experiences.
And I think this is where a LOT of the fucked up early Queer Coding fuckery comes from in discourse. Yes we have a language. Hell, to some extent a few things might even kinda BE stereotypes but there’s a certain amount of living and being where you know the difference between “this is a stereotype made by straight people villainizing us that has no idea what we’re fucking like” or “this is a stereotype born out of mass marketing that targeted and victimized then imprinted on an entire population that we’ve come to recognize among ourselves.” Or even “this is a stereotype but FUCK YES it’s one we embrace, go get fucked, straights.” And it’s not NEARLY as ambiguous as fandom circle jerks try to make these things out to be in the interest of wanting every interpretation to be valid or every character to be gay or not wanting to admit some person may know what the fuck they’re talking about more than they do. 
Huge point on that last one though, because like. I’ve seen some angry straights that are pissy about the show try to throw wrenches in the gears by concern trolling as if in defense of the gays about “offensive queer coding” and most of the time they’re basically that “how do you do fellow kids gays” meme. “How do you do gays I am very concerned about *checks notes* the twitters talking about gay men walking fast” and half the time turn around like two tweets later like “besides the character doesn’t even have a lisp anyway” or some bullshit that is outright offensive ass stereotyping while they’re out here trolling over the fact that a gay man admits to diva worship as a cultural trait.
General rule of thumb: ask a queer culture immersed gay about queer coding.
Shipping culture in the blue hellsite is not queer culture, for the record. Even if a bunch of queerfolk are in it.
Thanks.
Sincerely,
A very tired gay
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uh-velkommen · 4 years
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In my head, I sometimes use they/them pronouns when referring to myself.
I think I've just distanced myself so much from what it means to be a woman in American culture, to the point where I don't want to be seen as such.
For a short while I thought I might have been Transgender and I would say things like, I feel like I should've been a boy. It was never meant as, I was born in the wrong body or I've been given the wrong sets, though. It was more in line with the definition of being a boy in contrast with being a girl. I saw how my brother got more freedom and was treated differently by family and friends and I wanted that.
I used to go through his clothes and try them on without him knowing because I thought presentation equated treatment. My whole perception of Gender got so messed up when I started questioning my sexuality. I thought, it'd make more sense, me liking girls, if I've actually been a boy this whole time. Because I'd rather be a straight dude than a lesbian. It never crossed my mind that I could have just been a butch lesbian because the idea of butch lesbians being predatory was so fresh in my mind that I had become scared of them. Then when I thought I might have been bi, i figured maybe I was just a gay man because at that point I had accepted that I was gay but I refused to be stereotyped as a man-leaning bisexual woman. I didn't want to have to come out as Bisexual only to have my mother tell me I was lying because I liked guys. In that case it was easier to go all the way and just be Trans and Gay.
Finally I had accepted that I just wasn't a dude. But I still fought the idea of femininity and womanhood. I started refering to myself as a d*ke, full malice intended. I figured I was a gross masculine lesbian and there was nothing I could do about it.
This was when I was 12, 13, and 14. It took a lot of soul searching and queer history research before I became comfortable with the idea of Bisexuality. That along with constantly beating myself up over the demonization of Masculine lesbians of which I had become way too comfortable with.
But whilst all of that was happening, Pansexuality started to surface. I started identifying with that term because it took out the gender factor that I continued to struggle with. I figured I didn't like a specific gender, I liked whoever I liked. But that word didn't help with my own gender related issues. I still thought about being seen as the woman if I dated a cis man, and being seen as a d*ke if I dated a cis woman. Until I found the word Queer. Now, Queer could be applied to Gender and Sexuality which at the time was great because I couldn't bring myself to identify with any sexual orientation that implied some set gender identity.
I stuck with that because if anybody asked me, I could say that I was queer and feel as though I was announcing that I was also Gender Queer. That was important to me because I'm still female presenting. It's been hard to find clothes that I feel comfortable in. I have always felt pretty androgynous but I could never figure out how to look it. So I felt that if I had told people I was nonbinary (even though I don't like that term because even that puts me in a box) but I didn't look the part, I'd be lying.
Lying because I didnt think of gender, or the lack thereof, as something that I just had. I never thought of or talked about gender the way that Trans people had in the many testimonials I'd watched and read. Transgender people always described gender as an internal feeling. I defined gender by the way society imposed it upon me. Perhaps if I grew up in a world that didn't force me to behave a certain way because of my genitalia, I'd be comfortable in my femininity.
I told myself that I'm not really any gender because I don't want people treating me as a stereotypical male or female. Even though I still present female on the outside and I may follow some societal rules set for women because I've been conditioned to, inside I don't like being a woman but I always wont identify as a man. My uncle sometimes jokes by switching everyones pronouns and I'd get so bothered when he calls me a boy. Because after all that I've been through it feels like he's mocking me. It just makes me uncomfortable. But I cant bring myself to impose my issues on others. Its too complicated to get into with my simpleminded mother.
So my gender identity will stay personal to myself. I've been wanting to try using she/they pronouns but you know when you tell people that, they usually go with what they see and that's not going to help with the dysphoria. Knowing that everyone still sees me as a woman so they're going to treat me as such...
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lonestarbabe · 4 years
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Holding Out For a Hero
Chapter 6: Levitating (AO3)
T.K. feels a little better, but then he feels a little worse
Carlos
The tour had been going well to Carlos’ surprise. Carlos had thought that might cancel it and send T.K. to rehab after the disastrous interview with that bastard Jenkins, but after vowing to never leave his house again in a fit of humiliation and self-hate, T.K. came around and had been adamant about not letting Jenkins drag him down. The story had been all over for weeks, enduring longer than most stories about T.K. did. Judd had been especially anxious. He’d had to make a lot of calls for damage control, and even when the calls were done, Judd still worried about T.K.’s mental health. He insisted T.K. see someone about it and had sent Carlos to hang out with T.K. on several occasions when Judd had business to attend to or Marjan was at work. Marjan had been practically living there. For once, T.K. didn’t seem to mind the hovering.
T.K. hadn’t wanted to face the world, Carlos had decided that T.K. could lock himself in his mansion all he wanted, but he couldn’t lock himself away from the people who cared about him, including Carlos because somewhere along the way, maybe pretty much right away, Carlos had liked T.K. Sometimes, he’d liked him for unfathomable things. Yet, T.K. was one of those people who was fun to be around when he wasn’t getting high and fucking dudes who used him like he was a piece of meat. After a few days of warranted upset, T.K. decided to take charge of his life, and he had Carlos bring him to Judd for an action plan. T.K. had gotten so sick after that meeting; after a night of wallowing, he’d decided that he wasn’t going to touch substances again. He was going to cut them all out cold turkey, and while Carlos was skeptical, T.K. seemed resolved to do it. Maybe too resolved. I know better than anyone that people who seem better aren’t always better. Taylor wasn’t, and he was smiling more than ever.
Taylor was a completely different situation, and Carlos didn’t want to draw parallels where they didn’t belong. I don’t even want to think about Taylor.  He didn’t want to project his past issues onto T.K. because that would only prevent him from doing his job, but even so, he didn’t want to let himself get too comfortable. From a young age, when there was little that he could control, he’d learned that the key to having control was being vigilant, not having too much hope, and expecting the worst. It’s a sucky outlook on life, but it’s the only one that I’ve got. I just need to remember that T.K. is not Taylor. He’s just a client, a client that I have soft spot for, but I can’t act like I have any right to get too involved.
They’d only been to five stops so far, but T.K. had been a delight, which had made Carlos feel like he was an episode of the Twilight Zone because Judd had explicitly said that tour T.K. was a nightmare, but the tour T.K. he’d seen was eerily dreamy. Carlos had gone to Judd about it, thinking that maybe T.K. was only acting so strange because it was the beginning of the tour. As was true every time that he went to Judd, Judd had basically patted him on the shoulder and told Carlos that he was doing excellent work. He’d shrugged and said, “Maybe it’s the new therapist,” which was also weird to Carlos. T.K. had accepted Grace’s carefully compiled lists of therapists without even making a snarky comment. He’d said thanks and gave Judd a big smile despite the way his hands been shaking. Sometimes the scariest problems were the ones that you couldn’t see. I can’t protect him from things he doesn’t share no matter how hard I try.
Carlos was hanging out around T.K. in T.K.’s dressing room, and it wasn’t because he needed to be there. He had other security measures that he could tend to, but they had a whole security team who would make sure things were taken care of, and T.K. had asked him to be there. For whatever reason, Carlos couldn’t find it in him to say that he was busy or that he didn’t think it was a good idea to get any more buddy-buddy than they already are. He’d relented when T.K. smiled at him. How pathetic is that? Disarmed by a single smile. Carlos couldn’t help that a happy T.K. was kind of the best person in the world.
Some of T.K.’s friends were there too. Well, Marjan and some of her friends from work who had tagged along to see T.K. at the LA show. They all seemed like cool people. He and Marjan had already gotten to know each other, and she was a good influence on T.K. Paul and Mateo seemed like upright people too. They told a bunch of stories about the calls they got, most of them regarding idiots who got hurt or set accidental fires. Carlos had stories of his own to share, excluding any names of course. He hadn’t had a lot of gigs but any one of them came with a funny story or two.
T.K. quietly listened, looking at ease. He didn’t add any stories of his own, even at Paul’s prodding. “Come on, you’re like the most popular singer in the world right now, and you don’t have any good stories.”
Marjan rolled her eyes. “Don’t get him started. Once T.K. starts talking about himself, he doesn’t stop.”
“Hey,” T.K. replied lightly, “that’s not true.”
Mateo nodded. “Yeah, I haven’t heard him say one thing about himself.” It wasn’t that T.K. had been a silent wallflower, but Carlos had noticed it too. He said a lot without saying much at all. Sometimes, when he was feeling out of his element, T.K. would only give vague details about himself, and maybe it was because he had to be careful about who he told what, but Marjan’s friends were probably safe. If they ever blabbed, Marjan would probably make sure that they never spoke again. They seemed earnest too, and while Carlos couldn’t just look at someone and know that they were okay, he had a pretty good eye for people who just wanted something and those who were sincere. His dad had been the former type, so he knew a thing or two about people who were just nice when they wanted you to do something for them without returning the favor. Dad convinced me to miss my prom to help him with one of his schemes, and then he couldn’t even show up to my high school graduation.
“What can I say? I lead a boring life.” He slung his arm over Carlos’ shoulder. T.K. loved casual touches, and they drove Carlos crazy in an “I need more” kind of way. It would be so easy to get engulfed in the ocean that is T.K. Strand.
“Oh come on, Strand,” Marjan said. “Tell them about the time you spilled tea on the Queen of England.”
“Wait what?” Mateo asked, eyes widening. Carlos had heard that story once when T.K. was high. T.K. had been laughing his ass off and Carlos had just been trying to keep him from doing
Paul added in, “You really let us talk about a dude getting his junk stuck in a piece of wood when you spilled tea on the Queen of England.” He was laughing heartily at the thought.
“That story is a lot better than meeting a rich old lady. I’m pretty boring, believe it or not.” And I’m Swedish royalty. If T.K. was boring, Carlos’ job would have been a lot easier.
“It’s not as funny as that time you tripped going onto the stage at the VMA’s.”
“Marjan, did you really have to bring up my most humiliating moment?” By the way, T.K. was grinning, Carlos didn’t think he was all that humiliated by it.
Carlos nudged T.K. with his elbow, “You nearly fell off the stage Wednesday when you were singing Bitter Honey.”
“That was bad, but that’s not more humiliating than when you puked on stage?”
“I didn’t puke on stage. I went off stage.”
“Everyone could still see you, Strand.”
“I was what? Fifteen? I was doing my best.” Carlos couldn’t imagine being under the public eye at fifteen.
“Ouch. Fifteen is a hard age for everyone,” Mateo said.
“Being fifteen sucks,” Paul commented, a darkness in his eyes.
“It sure does,” T.K. agreed. Carlos nodded. A lot of shit had happened when Carlos was fifteen. A lot of shit happened every other year as well, but at fifteen things have a way of feeling extra shitty. Fifteen had been when Carlos had told his parents that he was gay, and honestly, nothing had changed. They didn’t care about him enough to care that he was gay. T.K. glanced at Carlos, looking nervous.
“I came out when I was fifteen,” Carlos said without thinking. It wasn’t like T.K. didn’t know that Carlos was gay, but they’d never much talked about gayness, so it felt strange to Carlos to talk about it, and maybe that meant that he wasn’t talking about it enough.
“I was eighteen,” T.K. said. Technically, T.K. hadn’t come out, he’d been outed by a thirty-year-old asshole who he’d been “dating,” Carlos used the word lightly because clearly a thirty-year-old with a fresh-faced eighteen-year-old doesn’t feel right. T.K. hadn’t even gotten his GED yet. The news about T.K. being gay had been everywhere. Even Carlos had heard about it, and Michelle always joked about his lack of pop culture awareness. “I don’t know if I could’ve handled being out at fifteen. My career might have plummeted.”
“When I realized I was bi a few years ago, I thought it was the end of the world. I thought that there was no reason to come out, but I’m so grateful that I had a best friend who shook some sense into me.” She gave T.K. a fist bump. “Now, I can’t believe I didn’t know I was sooner.”
“Accepting yourself can be the hardest part. My parents were very accepting of all kinds of people, so I think they would have been okay with me being trans, but even then, coming out felt like the worst thing in the world. My parents died before I told them, so I wish I’d been able to tell them, but it is what it is.” The conversation’s taking a dark tone, but T.K. seemed more interested in this than anything else.
T.K. gave a sympathetic look, face growing weary. “Sorry man, that sucks. It’s hard when you don’t have time to tell people what you need to say. I wish I’d been able to tell my…um… my dad, but sometimes life doesn’t give you that choice, and it never doesn’t suck.”
Marjan looked to Carlos, sagging slightly. She and Carlos are both concerned. They both know that the word dad doesn’t roll off T.K.’s tongue easily, and the feeling in the room shifts because of it. It’s gotten quiet and T.K.’s easy-going demeanor has receded just enough that Carlos is starting to feel anxious. One little thing can easily cause T.K. to spiral, and T.K.’s been okay lately, but he may be living on borrowed happiness. Don’t let this be an incident. Take charge of this before you lose control of the situation, Carlos. T.K. was getting fidgety, and Carlos was scrambling to find a way to calm him.
“Marj, don’t go all quiet on me. A little dead dad talk isn’t going to throw me over the edge.” Except it did last time his dad was mentioned. T.K.’s not angry, not right now, probably because Paul and Mateo were in the room, but his tone was too forced and sounds passive aggressively angry. Basically, everyone knew to dread carefully. I need to defuse this situation before it gets worse. If T.K. catches the uncomfortable glances that Paul and Mateo are sharing, he’ll freak out, so Carlos called T.K.’s name, making T.K. look over to him. T.K.’s eyes snap over, looking frantic.
“I know that,” Marjan answered, but she didn’t sound sure, and with all Marjan’s confidence, when she didn’t sound sure, she wasn’t.
Carlos made a show of looking at his watch. “You need to get ready for the show now. It’s getting late.”
Marjan caught on, and stood up, leaning down to hug T.K. “Teek, I’ll talk to you after the show, okay? Maybe we can meet up at your house or you can come to mine.”
T.K. nodded, calming at the touch of his friend. “Yeah, okay, we can do that.”
Paul gave T.K. a handshake. “Thanks so much for the tickets, man. We’ve all been curious about Marjan’s best friend. You lived up to our expectations.”
Mateo gave a wave. “Yeah, maybe later you can tell us the queen story.”
T.K. put on his fakest smile. “Sure thing, buddy.” Carlos could see that T.K.’s going to another place mentally, so he rushed the guests out, giving T.K. room to breathe.
Marjan lingered just a bit longer, giving Carlos a stern look, “Take care of him.”
“It’s my job,” he said.
“It better be more than that,” Marjan replied. It is. I’m probably in for a world of hurt, but I’d take care of him even if I wasn’t paid to do it. I want him to be happy, and I do my best to make him feel happy.
T.K
T.K. wasn’t as stupid as some people thought he was. He might have played stupid a lot because it was easier to get what you wanted when people thought you’re barely smarter than a pile of bricks. He’d gotten a lot of good info by acting dumb. Judd would tell him to cut it out. Marjan would usually let him get away with it just to see the amusing results that always came. Carlos would give a knowing look, not making a judgment in either direction.
Because he wasn’t a complete idiot, he knew what Carlos was doing as he swiftly moved T.K.’s guests out of his dressing room, and to his surprise, it makes him feel relieved more than annoyed. Maybe I’m a changed man, after all. Or maybe I’m just getting too attached. The new T.K. apparently is into letting people meddling in his life, and he apparently let his bodyguard be more than a nuisance who follows him around, and who could blame him? Carlos actually seemed to care about him. Like, he’d bring pink-frosted doughnuts in the morning just because T.K. liked them, and when Carlos brought them, T.K. liked them even more. It’s like the sprinkle phenomenon. Just like doughnuts tasted better with sprinkles, they tasted better when hot bodyguards hand-delivered them just because they were thinking about you.
It made T.K. feel pathetic that the doughnuts made him so happy. Carlos was just being nice because he was a nice guy, and doing nice things was just what he does. It’s not because I matter to him. He only cares because if something happens to me, he’s out of a job, and from what he’s said, this is the most prestigious job he’s had. I don’t want to ruin his career. He deserves a better client than me, though. Someone who isn’t a fuck up. He was probably just as nice to everyone else. I’m just too self-absorbed to notice that the world doesn’t revolve around me. But the doughnuts made T.K. feel special. Even if Carlos is just being nice. There’s something about little things like remembering someone’s name or bringing someone doughnuts. Those little things made people feel good even if they weren’t that big of a deal.
“I don’t need to start getting ready for thirty-minutes,” T.K. commented just to say something. He hated how he couldn’t seem to keep his mouth shut. He babbled and yelled and sang just because he didn’t know how to shut up, didn’t know how to sit with the quiet, and not go crazy and therefore didn’t know how to control his mouth. Most of the time, his mouth was autonomous from the rest of him. I don’t know what the fuck I’m saying half the time. I’m just shooting the breeze until there’s no air left for anyone else.
Carlos gave an apologetic look, and it’s so cute. My heart might just melt if I’m around him too long. “Are you mad?”
“No, most people wouldn’t have done that though. They wouldn’t have even noticed that I needed a break.” He’s so nice. How can I be that nice?
“It’s my job to notice what you need without you having to say it.” That wasn’t in his job description, but T.K. wasn’t going to argue it.
“I don’t know why I’m so triggered by my dead dad. It’s been years.”
“There’s not a timeline on grief.” Tell that to his mom, who went back to work in two days and acted like giving T.K. a guitar would make up for not having a dad. Tell that to the psychiatrist who told him that he couldn’t grieve forever or the one who had told him that ten years was too long to still feel so bad. Honestly, everyone who told him to get over it was probably right. It wasn’t healthy to live in that day forever. To think about his father burning to death when it hadn’t even been the flames that had killed Owen. It had been shrapnel. But still, T.K. imagined skin being charred and falling from his dad’s body, and he just wanted the image to go away. He wanted to stop feeling so scared because that’s what he’d felt since 9/11, a hot fear that he converted into anger because he was too old to cry about how terrified he was. He remembered his mother telling him when he was ten that he was too old to cry about nightmares. He refused to cry about them after, even though he had to bite his wrist just to distract from the torment he felt. He learned to bring the feelings inward and to destroy himself for fleeting moments of peace.
“Yeah, but I can’t even say the word dad without feeling sick, and hearing it sends a fresh wave of guilt through me.” T.K had this stupid idea that if he hadn’t been such a brat the evening before 9/11 and kept his parents up until 3 am that his dad would have been better rested and would have been able to do his job better and not die. Logically, he knew that lots of people with kids who weren’t brats died that day. Lots of well-rested, unlucky people, but T.K was never able to shake the idea that his father’s death had something to do with him. He’d never confessed that fear to anyone, and maybe that was why it was killing him, draining him of his ability to keep his head in reality. He’d prefer his mind to float away. He loved the detached feeling of not being at all connected to himself, and as fine as he acted to anyone who glanced at him, he couldn’t stop thinking about oxy. It made him sick with yearning just to think of oxy or E or LSD, or K, or G or whatever other combination of senseless letters would let him out of his head, a prickly, electrified cage that made him feel small and claustrophobic.
“Guilt?” Carlos looked at him, face pinched. T.K. figured Carlos saw him as a puzzle. He wanted to know what T.K. meant because it was interesting in a perverse way. Everyone wanted to know why a man who had everything but a dad couldn’t get his shit together. Some people had less but had somehow managed to hang onto their sanity. They didn’t crave an oxy every time a pang of feeling clawed at their gut.
“I didn’t mean that. I meant sorrow.” T.K. didn’t think that he sounded very convincing, but Carlos wasn’t going to press it. It wasn’t his style. T.K. needed to focus on his show, and bringing up deeply rooted childhood issues wasn’t exactly going to make him feel energized. Though, to be honest, before all of this had happened, he’d been good about being happy. He’d been bubbly and fun and felt almost normal, but then in a snap, that bright, fun to be around self had shut off. It’s like I’m too different people. One who likes the peaks of roller coasters and another who likes the valleys.
“I still miss my dad,” Carlos confessed, and T.K. held his breath. The dead dad’s club is not a fun one to be in.
T.K. felt flushed. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.” It sounded so stupid to say. T.K. had always hated when people said that to him because it never made him feel any differently. Them being sorry couldn’t change his loss or even heal it.
“He’s not dead or anything. I just haven’t seen him in five years.” Carlos shrugged. “So, I don’t think he’s dead, but I haven’t talked to him in years, and cutting him off was something I had to do.” T.K. had to take a deep breath not to lash out. If his dad was alive, he wouldn’t ever stop talking to him. Even if he was the worse dad in the world.
“I know it’s not the same, but it sucks.”
“Then, why won’t you talk to him?” T.K. tried to keep his voice calm, but he sounded like an angry kid on the verge of a tantrum.
“Because as much as I love him, he can’t bring me inner peace. He only keeps me around when he needs something, so I decided not to make myself available, but I still miss him sometimes. He was mean and abusive, but he’s not like a villain you see on a TV show. He had good in him, even if it was just a very little bit. He used to take me fishing. I hated it, but I loved the time I got to spend with him. We’d fish, and suddenly, he’d become dad of the year. Then, we’d go home and he’d tell me I couldn’t do anything right.”
“I’m sorry. Sounds, dead or deadbeat, having a dad brings heartbreak.”
“My point is just that you don’t have to stop missing him. You don’t have to stop thinking it’s unfair that you don’t have him here. You don’t have to stop cherishing his memory, but you do have to learn to live with it.”
“Yeah, thanks, Freud.”
“I’m sure your therapist would say it better,” Carlos joked. T.K. felt guilty because he had taken the therapist list Grace had made for him and shredded it after one visit with the first woman on the list. He’d had video visits with her twice before deciding that he didn’t need that anymore. He started to feel better. The withdrawal symptoms had gone. He felt more in control of his life, so he’d decided that he didn’t need anyone doing a deep dive into his brain. He’d figured it all out himself. No professional needed. No AA, NA, or whatever other program was out there. All he needed was his guitar and to stay away from parties. There was a part of T.K. that knew he was being foolish. He’d gotten sober before like this when he just decided to stop and get his life together, but every time, when the going got tough, T.K. usually figured it was time to quit the good habits that made life bearable without the bad habits.
“Yeah, she’d give a bunch of psychobabble.” Dr. Aggarwal actually probably wouldn’t have done that. Despite T.K’s stubbornness, Grace’s search had been thorough and she’d chosen people who wouldn’t give psychobabble. Maybe I did do some research before I shredded the list.
“Are you okay with that?”
T.K. shrugged, “I’m getting used to it. I think this one is actually helping. It’s going to be a journey, but I think this might be something good.” He hated lying to Carlos. I’m such a dumb, jerk. But the truth wasn’t going to make Carlos feel better. It wasn’t going to change the situation. It wasn’t going to do anything but sit there like the biggest know-it-all in a room full of know-it-alls.
Carlos beamed, and T.K. wanted to disappear. I hate myself for being such a weirdo. I’m the worst person alive. Carlos deserves better than me. “That’s great. I’m glad you’re starting to feel better.”
The more T.K. lied about feeling better the worst he felt. “Yeah me too.” He forced a smile. “Me being better is only going to make your job easier.”
Carlos laughed. “I have a feeling that you’ll never make it too easy.” I can’t make anything easy. I always have to take the hardest route as if that will somehow cure all the awful feelings that I have when it does nothing but make me an angry wreck.  
“What would be the fun in that?” Carlos laughed again, and T.K. felt himself relax. T.K. thought that if a laugh could save a person that he’d be saved, but laughter couldn’t save him. It would be like using cough medicine for a bullet wound.
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gigekitanzan · 4 years
Text
"There's nothing wrong with me being gay. There's nothing wrong with me liking men. There's nothing wrong with me being a trans man and liking men. I am not a confused straight girl. There's nothing wrong with liking men, especially not me, or people like me, liking men." Gordie's repeating to himself, as if trying to psych himself up for something. "There's nothing... wrong... with me liking men."
He buries his face in his hands. "Why does it feel like there is!?"
Maybe he can tell another Gym Leader first-- or Sascha, she doesn't know yet-- someone he knows, and trusts-- not Melony, not yet-- he has to tell someone.
It's been eating him up for years. He has to. Not because he feels comfortable doing so-- that's still a far shot, he's afraid information will get around so easily-- but somebody he trusts not to tell has to know. He can't stay silent anymore.
"Rotom, call Sascha." Gordie drops his hands away from his face, watching as Rotom slips out of his pocket.
"You zzzure? You zzzzound strezzed."
"Stressed or not... someone needs to know. Sascha's going to be the first one." Gordie has a steely gaze as he looks at Rotom. "Call Sascha. Or-- just tell her to come over, actually. It'll be easier if she comes over."
"Alright big man, you've got it."
He’s waiting for a good fifteen, twenty minutes maybe. It honestly feels like forever, time moving slower than he’s ever felt before, and with each passing second, Gordie wonders if perhaps he’s made the wrong choice. If he shouldn’t tell Sascha anything-- if maybe, he should have just stayed quiet, and repressed it for another few years.
But… no. It’s been far too long, anyway. If he doesn’t do it now, he’ll just feel worse.
Then again, he feels atrocious right now.
Sascha doesn't even knock on the door-- they already have an agreement that she shouldn't, since if people tend to see Gordie, they'll pass on where he lives to the rest of his fans. She sits silently across from Gordie, leant back on the sofa, yet legs still crossed, as if trying to let go of Melony’s strict house rules. Don’t slouch. Crossing your legs is polite. Always try and show your face to whoever you’re talking to.
The direct opposite of Gordie, at this moment. He’s slouched across the chair he’s on, one hand covering half his face-- mouth included-- trying to avoid eye contact with Sascha. He feels like he can’t even speak, now. Everything’s lost in his head, caught up in desperate “what if’s” and “if only’s”, so far away from what he wants to say. It’ll be a miracle if he even manages to break the silence, and Sascha’s just… patiently waiting for him to.
There’s a solid minute of Gordie just groaning to himself, wishing now that he hadn’t even tried it, that it was just going to end terrible, that Sascha would tell mum and she’d be mad--
I have to let someone know. I have to tell someone--
Gordie looks across to Sascha, hand still firmly placed on his own face, to prevent her from seeing how plain terrified he is to admit this.
“Sasch--” He begins, and again, words fall flat on his tongue. “I-- I gotta tell you something, uh, important.”
“Important… how?”
“Important as in you can’t tell anyone else important!” Gordie snaps out, and Sascha doesn’t even flinch.
“Ah, that kind of secret.” She leans forward in the seat-- reminiscent of Melony, and the way she always seems to look that little bit closer when something’s interesting.
It strikes Gordie the wrong way, but he’s too far gone to even think hard about it.
“I’m-- I--”
Why now? Why can’t I say anything?
Again, Sascha’s silent, watching Gordie with a gaze nowhere near scrutinizing, but the intensity makes his skin crawl. It’s a long, long pause, where he tries to find the right words, fails to, and quietly curses himself once again for bothering.
“Sasch, I’m-- gay.”
There seems to be a pause from her, too. Taking in what Gordie had said, thinking just a little on the implications-- before she nods softly.
“I’m… glad you felt comfortable coming out to me.”
“Comfortable? Sasch, I literally wish I hadn’t said anything.”
“But you did say something, and that’s a start.”
Gordie looks at Sascha almost incredulously. “Huh?”
“I know you hate each other’s guts, but mum always says that coming out’s a personal decision. You come out to whoever you feel comfortable comin’ out to.”
“Mum says what now?”
Sascha visibly lurches. “She-- she hasn’t said that to you? At all?”
“No?!” Gordie pauses a few deafeningly quiet seconds. “Mum’s actually bi?!”
“You thought we were joking about her and Glacia for the fuckin’ giggles of it?”
Gordie looks at the floor, blinking owlishly. All this time, he’d been thinking they’d been making the joke simply because it was… well, almost obvious that Melony had some feelings for Glacia, but he hadn't even thought about the implications of that. 
At Gordie's silence, Sascha speaks again. "Gordie, you are having a laugh, right?" 
"I-- well, I-- it didn't… I wasn't…"
"No way. There is no way you're not joking. My big brother is not thick--" 
"I didn't think about it, okay?!" Gordie's loud, and defensive, as if it'll help him at all. 
At the admittance, however, Sascha's expression seems to change. "Gordie… how long have you been holding onto this?" She leans forward a little further, and Gordie lets his face sink further into his hands. 
"...ten years." It's mumbled out, and he's hopeful she didn't hear it at all. It sounds stupid, at this point-- not even noticing that mum really was bi, or that Leon and Raihan were most definitely together or… anything. He'd been so caught up in everything that had happened that he barely even thought about it. 
How couldn't he have figured it out? He'd watched Leon kiss Raihan, mum had very obviously been flirting with Glacia-- and that time with Milo when we were play-wrestling, and I got him in that triangle choke-- and that's not even getting on the fact that he knows Nessa's dating Sonia, and the fact that Opal already seemed to know from his Gym Challenger days, and he really doubts she'd be unhappy with it, considering her rambling on about the people she's been with before was what made Gordie realize that he really wasn't straight, even if most of that realization came from the fact he couldn't stop thinking about Milo when they were travelling together. 
God, why was it all falling into place now? 
"You need some time for yourself, big G?" 
"N-- uh, no, I, uh…" Gordie mangles his words worse than when Nessa had caught him staring at Milo's ass. "So, uh-- I… how would you… go about telling a good, uh, six-hundred fans maybe, that you're gay, and if they fetishise you, you're gonna like, crush their head like a can of fizzy?" 
Sascha frowns. "Oh god, is that what kept you from saying anything?" 
"Of course it is, Sasch. I've had enough of getting picked on, I didn't… wanna lose my whole fanclub if I came out." Gordie sits up and slumps over, looking down at the floor once again. "I'm still worried. D'you think they'll hate me? D'you think they'll be disgusting about it?" 
"Gordie, I don't wanna discourage you any. You don't have to come out all at once--" 
"The media, Sasch. I don't want them knowing until Galar's Major League does, and my fanclub does." God, it makes him shudder to think about; the media already twists the words of everyone in the major league, how bad could it get? What would they say, or do, or make everyone think? "I get what you're saying, but… I have to."
"Start small. Text a few close friends, or call them-- let your Gym Trainers know, they're part of your fanclub, right?-- if you've got a way to contact a large, or small, group of your closest fans, message them."
"Sasch, why are you so damn good at this? Makin' me feel bloody stupid."
"Comes with having to live with mum for years. She's nice and all, but I guess her strictness and… well, the way she thinks, starts getting to you."
"You've no idea how much this means to me, Sascha." Gordie shakes his head slowly-- he's close to crying, really, considering all the things he expected to go wrong haven't gone wrong. "I'll uh, get on messaging my trainers, and…" 
"You want to tell mum?" Sascha's voice makes him pause. He'd been thinking about it-- if she was accepting of him being trans, why not gay, too? And she was bi-- so why would it be a big deal, to him? 
Because of the argument. They hadn't really been able to maintain a conversation since-- Gordie too overcome with rage, or something of the like, preventing himself from even wanting to stick around and talk with Melony.
But, she's his mother. He can't hide from the fact he wants to talk to her forever. 
"I'll tell her. Tonight, probably. I'll come over and… hopefully I won't lose my cool."
Sascha nods softly. "You got it, Gords. I'm sure the triplets'd love to see you."
"Ha… if you're sure." There's a small pause. "Anyway, since you've been putting up with me for the last… half an hour? How about we go to Bob's?" 
"Sure, just don't shove everything under the rug about what you're planning, alright? Don't want you to forget to tell everyone."
"I won't forget, Sasch. No chance of it."
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gettin-bi-bi-bi · 4 years
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1. A lot of times on lgbtq media, I’ll see things that include all wlw but will be labeled as for lesbians. Like “lesbian term”, “this song for lesbians”, or they’ll be posts or media talking about “lesbian only” experiences that could apply to all wlw. What bugs me is that bc lesbian has a very strict definition, I really don’t feel included in these. Whereas “gay” is an umbrella term and I often feel like I wouldn’t have these problems as a bi man cause I feel like gay covers me.
2. Lesbians of course have their own things, but I’m only talking about stuff that def includes all wlw but is called “lesbian”. Like “lesbian” couples that may have a bi women in them. I feel like there’s this split between communities bc any time I see a bi girl use the term lesbian(not as a label; for anything else) there gets so much crap thrown. While I know bi men prob feel that same sometimes, gay is such a universal term that I don’t see it as much. Idk if that’s invasive of me to feel
disclaimer: I was typing and typing and.... this kinds turned into a rant so. Take it or leave it, I don’t know how much sense I’m making. You know, up until ~50-60 years ago the word “lesbian” just meant every woman who had sex with women. That 100% included women who also had sex with men. (Note that at the time those labels were about sex acts and not about an identity based on attraction.) So many lesbians back then were what we would now call bisexual or pansexual.
However, lesbian separatists and “political lesbians” (basically the OG radfems) decided that a true lesbian should not have anything to do with men. And thus they started to exclude bisexuals from lesbian spaces and terminology and we were forced to make our own community. Which we did.
Now in the last couple years, especially on tumblr, there’s been this attempt to “reunite” lesbians and bisexual women into a shared community called “wlw” or “sapphic”. Unfortunately there’s still lesbian separatists. And that’s how you get entire campaigns on tungle dot hell where people recycle radfem rhetoric to tell bi women we aren’t “allowed to use butch/femme because those are just for lesbians” and other historic revisionism like that.
Most of the time I see people use “wlw” or “sapphic” it's bi/pan women who make that effort. And I notice a development in which the same thing happens to wlw/sapphic as it did to “lesbian” back in ye olden days: bisexuals are being told to keep their mouths shut about their male partners because “this is wlw safe space and this shouldn’t be about Straight Things” and as a result many think that “sapphic” is just a synonym for “lesbian”.
And note that this is all something that happens in relatively niche online communities like tumblr. When we’re looking at mainstream media then it’s a whole other piece of cake because mainstream media, especially when created by and for cisgender heterosexuals, just doesn’t fucking care about these distinctions. Sometimes it’s “just” ignorance and not even malicous - they just really don’t know the difference. Sometimes (often times!) it’s textbook bisexual erasure.
Personally, I totally get how you feel. I don’t feel connected to the “lesbian community” at all. I have a couple of lesbian friends but I don’t engage in any lesbian community events (even though Berlin has plenty to offer). I don’t feel like I have anything to add there and frankly, I don’t feel like I can openly talk about the fact I am bisexual and dating a man.
Even terms like “wlw” and “sapphic” - even though I do use and appreciate the sentiment behind them - don’t really give me a sense of community or belonging. Maybe that’s also a generational thing. I also don’t feel like I have one type of attraction that’s sapphic and then another type of attraction that’s [insert adjective] for men (and another again for enbys?) - all of my attractions are bisexual so I don’t feel comfortable describing my attraction to women as “sapphic” bc it implies that it’s something different than my attraction to other genders. But again, that’s just my personal feelings. I don’t mind those terms and I don’t mind if someone would use those as umbrella terms for me or as identity labels for themselves - go for it. I just don’t feel any significant connection to them personally.
I’m also a petty asshole though so if some event or media or whatever is advertised as “lesbian* .... party / movie night / pride / book club” then I’m just like, well, I’m not a lesbian so that’s not for me, guess they’ll be missing out on getting to know me. And I get even more pissy when they add in small print “*also welcome to bisexuals” because if you wanna make an event for lesbians and bi women then why not advertise it as that? Putting us in parantheses or small-print is at best tone-deaf and at worst an expression of how little they value us.
Many lesbians aren’t actively biphobic and would never want to exclude us and would actually genuinely welcome us. So, don’t take this as me slagging off all lesbians. However... many, especially the younger ones, are still incredibly oblivious to the history of their own label (because radfems work very hard at erasung that history so it doesn’t include bi and trans women) as well as ignorant about the struggles that bisexual women have to face in particular both in mainstream society as well as within the LGBTQIA+ community. They often don’t realise how alienating it is for us to always only being an after-thought at best. Which is kinda hilarious given that they often (rightfully!) voice the same criticism when everything is made about cis gay men and lesbians are just the after-thought.
So long story short: I get it. It sucks. That being said, bisexual men also face a lot of issues and biphobia affects them in some specific gendered ways that are also pretty shitty. They really don’t have it better or easier then other bisexuals when it comes down to biphobia.
Now, you can either say “fuck it, lesbian stuff is for me, too” and ignore all the separatism and basically reclaim your rightful place in this community. Or you can stick to the bi community and seek out media/events that are explicitly for all the queers.
Maddie
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eats-the-stars · 3 years
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ok so i’m probably not going to word this the best, but I think I’ve finally convinced my bro-in-law-to-be (white, straight) that he can’t keep making homophobic/racist jokes around the house or out in public. and for context, he’s actually not a very racist/homophobic dude, but when he hangs out with his dude friends (a group that includes one gay dude, a bi guy, and a black guy) they all tend to throw around those kind of jokes in good humor. which is fine if they’re out laughing it up or whatever. but...not around the house, when none of those people are present to reciprocate.
and the bro-in-law-to-be has explained over and over that “my gay/black friend was the one who said this joke so it’s cool for me to tell it” but...his gay friend is not here to laugh at the joke. his black friend is not here to laugh at his joke. The only people in this house are me (white nonbinary ace or lesbian i’m still figuring it out, also autistic), my sister (white, bi), and our straight white dad who is very racist/homophobic but usually keeps it on the down low since he knows that we do not share his views and WILL debate him if he makes a nasty comment.
So our dad is usually quiet about his messed up thoughts...UNLESS someone says something to indicate “Hey, I’m racist/homophobic, just like you!” and makes it a safe space to suddenly start talking about “the Chinese virus” or “businesses should be allowed to refuse service to gays” and all this other horrible stuff, which then means that my sister and I have to go through another grueling debate with our dad about how “eugenics is bad” and “refusing to bake a cake leads to refusing to lease an apartment and it’s a slippery slope” and EVERY TIME the bro-in-law-to-be has been like “wow i didn’t know your dad thought those things” while my sister and I are like “AND WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO HAVE THIS ARGUMENT AGAIN IF YOU STOPPED TELLING THESE JOKES AND ENCOURAGING HIM TO BE OPENLY RACIST/HOMOPHOBIC.”
I can’t believe we had to explain to my bro-in-law-to-be that ppl who are racist/homophobic keep an ear out for these kind of jokes in order to recognize each other. A joke is the safest way for them to test the waters. If it’s poorly received, they can just brush it off and go “oh it was just a joke, guys, it wasn’t serious, I don’t really think those things, haha.” BUT it also provides the option for ppl to laugh and go “oh yes, that’s a good joke, i’ll tell you an equally horrible joke to prove that i share your beliefs.” and BAM, they’ve identified a fellow racist/homophobe/etc. and now know that they can talk openly in front of this person, or look to them for support if an argument breaks out. And then suddenly the space you’re in has the potential to become very ugly very fast if the majority of people signal that they’re comfortable with this, and then, if you’re a person who doesn’t agree, you have to either step up and try to shut that shit down and potentially put yourself at risk (which can range from actual physical risk to the emotional/mental damage that comes with listening to someone say terrible things about a group you belong to).
And my bro-in-law-to-be has the luxury of not belonging to any of these groups. Which means that if he makes a stupid joke at the wrong time that lights the racist/homophobic/ableist fire in the room, he’s not at risk of getting burnt. At most he’s going to be uncomfortable or feel like “wow that’s horrible” but he won’t actually be at RISK in the same way my sister and I will be. The way anyone else in that room who’s black or gay or autistic will be once he starts that ball rolling.
And right now we’re trying to focus on him not starting those fires inside our house, around our dad. Because my sister and I have tried very hard over the years to try to talk our dad out of a lot of his shitty mindsets and it’s slow progress, but we’ve managed to convince him of small things over time. he’s a lot less ableist and sexist, for example. Those were easier to work on because he has three daughters (us) and we milked that angle hard, and because I’m autistic, which we also milked hard since i was able to convince him to look at me as having expertise about disabilities that made him value my opinion. We’ve also made strides on the homophobia front, too. If I ever figure out that i like girls (still working on that) and actually date a girl, I think he would be uncomfortable at first, but he wouldn’t reject me as his daughter or anything. likewise, if my sister (bi) broke up w/her boyfriend and started dating a girl, he would probably accept that. We know this mostly because our dad apparently thought that our youngest sis (the irony is she’s the only straight one) was dating her bff in high school and was cool with it. Might have a harder time if, like, his grandson turned out to be gay (he’s more accepting of lesbians/wlw??), but we’re working on it, and we got him to accept using our trans friend’s chosen name and pronouns instead of his deadname, which took time (i’m still not out to him as nonbinary, tho. my sister and online peeps are the only ppl who know right now). So we’ve made progress!
But THEN my bro-in-law has to throw dad a bone with these lame jokes that are uncomfortable to hear coming out of his mouth in the first place (why is it always a cis straight white guy who thinks he can tell any kind of joke as long as he “doesn’t mean it”?) and so this has brought back a lot of those old beliefs in our dad that we’ve been trying to smother. These last few years under Trump have already set him back, ngl, but bro-in-law-to-be was not helping.
it’s also so hard to try fighting racism in our dad, partly because our area is so white and most of our POC friends don’t live here anymore (so far our best success is directly exposing him to a person belonging to the group he hates, and slowly letting him see that they’re human. he’s so non-confrontational that he’s not going to say anything in front of the person, either, and we supervise the whole time, and inform our friend beforehand–our trans friend volunteered to help us previously). and you can’t just say “black lives matter because they’re human beings with intrinsic value equal to a white life” because...he’s racist. he’ll debate you all day or say “ok ok” and let the subject drop w/out changing his mind. you literally have to force him to regularly have positive reactions w/a real life person to change him. god...it’s like training a dog or exposure therapy or something but it’s the best we’ve got. it’s not like there’s a school where u can send ur racist parents to learn human decency.
and it’s hard because he’s our dad and we love him and it’s hard to look at someone you love and know that he believes that straight white abled lives have more intrinsic value than anyone else...just because. i hate that we live in a society where so many ppl hate each other for these things. and it’s just...up to everyone else in their lives to decide to do anything about it. and even then, it’s so hard. and our dad is just one person, and we’ve had years and the benefit of him loving us enough to listen. i can’t imagine trying to reform a stranger, or tons of ppl all at once...
#2020#personal#racism#homophobia#it's one thing to hang out w/a bunch of LGBT+ pals and joke around#or to make jokes w/in your marginalized group#like here on tumblr it's generally fine to do that#i can make 'random thing' gave me autism jokes#or joke and say that i'm getting extra vaccines to level up to super saiyan autism#but i would never make those jokes around my conservative aunts#because i know that they genuinely believe that vaccines cause autism#and they would turn my joke into a debate#or literally not gonna lie ask me if i think 'random thing' really did give me autism#ah...but even then it's not the same as my bro-in-law because i AM autistic...#he's making gay jokes even tho he's straight#and like yeah ok w/ur friends who know ur not serious that's fine#but if you're in a room full of strangers and you make a joke like that#you're suddenly opening up a chance for the new topic of discussion to be something like#'should businesses be able to refuse service to gay people?' or 'should autistic ppl be allowed to reproduce?'#and BAM suddenly that space is very hostile for any gay/autistic/etc ppl#while bro-in-law will remain safe because he's not any of those things#which means his silly jokes are really hard for me to find funny at any time actually#because some ppl LITERALLY THINK THOSE THINGS#about ME PERSONALLY#i have to take these things seriously because they can affect my life#and i think it's kind of wild that it's the straight white dude who feels comfortable enough to throw these kind of#unfunny jokes around. like i get it he can just laugh and walk away but uh not everybody can do that#and there's a difference between cracking a gay joke on your liberal college campus#and cracking the same joke at your conservative family reunion#like just...don't do it please
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bkdk-n-tasty · 5 years
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The hardest enemy to defeat is your own self-doubt
Look at that you guys, I made it all week with a finished piece! I’m so proud lol
Day 5: This day has no prompts, therefore you are free to do whatever you like!
With Pride month being last month and I meant to make this then, I figured I could do it for this prompt ♥ 
Please note that there is homophobic langue in this story, some internalized homophobia as well. If you’re triggered by that I suggest skipping this one. 
Katsuki let out a huff as he watched the people in his living room move about as if they owned the place, he had half a mind to tell him to get out but he'd let them in, to begin with. His mood calmed a bit as Izuku shot him a grin, he looked fucking cute as hell. But that fucking dweeb always looked cute as hell in Katsuki's opinion. Izuku wore an actually kinda funny shirt for once instead of one of his stupid shirts, though it was mostly due to the fact he only had a small say in his outfit, though he did agree to wear it. Izuku wore a light gray shirt that read "It Ain't No Lie Baby I'm Bi Bi Bi", the letters a gradient of the bi pride colors and to top it off with some sweet talking from Katsuki he got Izuku to wear a pair of cute short shorts that showed off Izuku's fantastic legs.
Katsuki sighed quieter to himself as he closed the distance between him and Izuku. He felt kinda shy which was a fucking weird-ass emotion to feel when he was never shy. But this was the first time he was actually going out in public flaunting the fact he was gay, it wasn't a secret he was dating Izuku. The bombshell blond wore a dark gray V-neck that read "I can't even think straight", though he kept his normal back baggy jeans.
"You look good," Katsuki muttered as he got to Izuku. Izuku beamed up at Katsuki with that fucking cute smile that made Katsuki want to do just about anything for the younger boy.
"You do too, Kacchan," Izuku chirped as he held up the markers everyone was sharing to color their pride flags on their cheeks. "You ready for your face painting?" Katsuki tsk-ed but he nodded, tilting his head to the side to let the smaller boy streak the colors on his cheeks. In return, he did the same for Izuku. The two glanced back at their friends, it was a beautiful chaos.
Denki and Eijiro were helping each other, Denki was decked out with a bright blue tank top that if it wasn't catchy Katsuki wouldn't have paid much attention but he even snorted as he read "I'm Bisexual so I'm nervous around everyone" with a shy carebear graphic under it. Denki's cheeks wore the same colors as Izuku's. Eiji was just as eye-catching as his boyfriend as he wore a black chest binder with a pan pride unicorn with bright red skinny jeans, that Katsuki swore he'd seen in Izuku's closet at one point in time.
Then there was Momo and Jiro with Todoroki, helping him with his cheeks. Momo wore less flashy colors but had her cute bi and poly pins on her shirt, while Jiro wore an outfit almost identical to her normal outfit but instead of her normal black jeans she wore a skirt that bore the trans colors. Katsuki had honestly been caught off guard by that, he never imagined that she was trans but like the rest of their friends supported her nonetheless.
Iida was sitting patiently with his girlfriend and her girlfriend marking his cheeks with the demi-sexual flag. But Uraraka and Tsuyu both looked pretty proud with their handy work. Uraraka wore a relatively cute pale pink tanktop that said 'multitasking' with two female and one male stick figure above it. Tsuyu had chosen to wear a similar outfit that she normally wears, though it was a matching pale pink shirt that read in a dark violet 'I love my girlfriend'.
The only pair that was missing was Sero and Mina and the two planned to just meet them there. Which honestly Katsuki was grateful as his home felt like it was crowded as is. It took a while longer for the rest to finish up in the meanwhile Izuku had managed to pull Katsuki away so he could steal some kisses before they headed out.
"We're going to have so much fun," Izuku beamed excitedly, glancing between Katsuki and the rest of their friends. Katsuki tried to ignore his nerves as he listened to the others chat, his gaze stuck low and didn't meet people they passed. It was strange to Katsuki to be so open about his sexuality, it wasn't like he should feel ashamed or anything, he'd had supportive parents who both loved Izuku to bits and pieces. It was just something he tried to ignore.
"You okay?" Izuku asked quietly, jerking Katsuki's attention from his thoughts. He glanced down at the worried expression on his normally outgoing boyfriend.
"I'm fine," Katsuki huffed out but after a moment he said quieter for only Izuku to hear, "I guess I'm a little fucking worried…I don't know, it's stupid."
Izuku shook his head and carefully pulled Katsuki over so their friends could keep walking. "If you're nervous it's not stupid. What are you nervous about?" Izuku had managed to grasp Katsuki's other hand and with those damn eyes, Katsuki couldn't just lie and say it was nothing, that there wasn't anything he was worried about.
"I…I don't know," Katsuki finally admitted, his gaze flickering towards their friends who all were so damn supportive and loving. He really didn't have it bad so why was he so worried? The harsh words he remembered in junior high…They were the ones that rung out in the back of his mind, it wasn't anything he had said but other bullies had…and those words had been pointed at Izuku a lot. He finally looked back at Izuku, "I just want you to know I'm sorry. For the things in middle school. That I couldn't even leave you alone, or at the very least keep the others from picking on you…"
Izuku's smile faltered for a moment but he squeezed Katsuki's hands. "You've been forgiven Kacchan, you know that. Things were different then, we've come so far since then," Izuku smiled gently up at him. "You denied yourself to a lot of things at that point, but you don't have to worry about today. I'm with you. The real you, the one that makes me happy and feels loved, the one that protects me when I do dumb things to try and help others. The one that drags me to bed when I'm trying to run myself into the ground." Izuku was breathless after his word vomit but he meant every word of it and Katsuki knew that. "I love you Katsuki."
The angst-filled blonde finally nodded after a moment, a small smile broke across his lips. "You really do love me, huh?" That made Izuku snort but he kept that loving smile on his lips.
"Of course I love you." It was so obvious in everything Izuku did when it came to Katsuki, everyone could see that. With that Katsuki's smile grew and his body seemed to relax.
"I love you too, you nerd," Katsuki murmured, his cheeks heating up. He could handle holding hands in public but saying 'I love you' apparently got him flustered, and it was cute in Izuku's opinion. With that, they joined their friends and headed towards where Mina and Sero had gotten them a good spot to watch the parade. Katsuki really did relax with his friends once the parade started, watching all those people proudly strut their stuff made him feel really good. He even was able to build up the courage to kiss Izuku in public, in front of their friends and strangers. No one even thought twice about it or cared and that felt so good.
"I love you," Katsuki murmured against Izuku's lips before stealing a second kiss. Izuku had melted into the kiss and only after a few moments was able to pull himself away, but he didn't try and move away from Katsuki's embrace. No instead Izuku relaxed and leaned into Katsuki's chest as he watched the parade.
"We need to check out the seller's booth," Mina announced brightly when the parade had wrapped up. Izuku pulled Katsuki along as they headed towards the area that had been set up for people to sell homemade merchandise. The group was able to find a bunch of things they liked and bought, glad to help local artists. Izuku ended up with the most buttons rivaling Denki's, the two looked like kids with all the buttons.
Denki and Jirou lead the group towards the block that had been closed off so they could set up a dance area and pump out music that left even Katsuki wanting to dance. It was obvious in moments who the DJ was, Mic wouldn't pass up an event like this. And anyway, he was the best so of course, he wanted his community to have the most fun they could get.
Izuku and Katsuki were both laughing and clinging to one another. They honestly had the most fun they had in a long time on a date. Katsuki even admitting that Izuku was right, that he would have fun, that there really wasn't anything to worry about.
That was until they were leaving. The group was going to head back to Bakugou's to unwind and watch a few movies before dispersing for the night…Katsuki gritted his teeth as he saw the group at the edge of the fenced area.
Izuku stopped, throwing his arm out in front of his friends. "We are not going that way," Katsuki growled as he caught the red letterings on the signs, the ones that left him wanting to fight them all.
"What's up?" Eijiro asked, squinting ahead. As the redhead caught sight of the words on those ugly signs his smile dropped. "Are they…Are they serious?"
Iida squared his shoulders as he moved forward as if he would lead them past the hateful group of people. "They might be allowed to spew their ugly words but they are not allowed to touch us. We just need to pass them and ignore them," Iida said, looking over the group.
"It's easier said than done," Jirou frowned, leaning against Momo. It was strange to Katsuki to see Jirou who rarely showed fear to look as nervous as Katsuki felt.
"We have the numbers on our side," Izuku said, squeezing Katsuki's hand protectively. "And we all got strong quirks if they even do try something. We can defend ourselves."
After some debate going back and forth they eventually headed towards the exit. They wanted to go back and rest, the hate group couldn't physically touch them and that was what they kept telling each other. But it was hard to ignore their shouting and protesting.
Katsuki could feel his rage boiling in his blood as they got closer and closer to the loudest member, he had to be the leader. "You all are doomed to hell if you don't repent!" The blonde shot the man a glare that normally was reserved for villains and that seemed to only add fuel to the man's words. "You are going to hell!" He even pointed right at Katsuki with his free hand. That made Katsuki almost lose his shit but instead, he smirked at the man, pulling Izuku to him before dipping him and giving him a kiss in front of the group.
"You're only a jealous old man," Katsuki yelled back at the leader, "You're fuckin' jealous my boyfriend loves me and you're in a loveless marriage!" Katsuki's friends were quick to start to drag him away. They all knew once he was really angry that there would be some really ugly words passed back and forth.
"It's fine Kacchan," Izuku murmured softly up to Katsuki once they were far enough that they were less worried that Katsuki might start setting off explosions. "We'll go home and just cuddle and watch those dumb cheesy movies," Izuku continued softly, trying to calm the older man. Instead of the group hanging around their friends went home so they could just spend time together.
Once Izuku and Katsuki were home, the two managed to drag every single blanket they owned to the living room where they could build a nest of sorts on their couch. They were comfy under their blankets when Katsuki finally broke down, his face buried in Izuku's shoulder.
It was a rare moment when Katsuki broke down when he cried. Though it was only ever just Izuku that witnessed it, who Katsuki trusted not to make fun of him. To support him and help him feel better. Izuku rubbed at Katsuki's back, murmuring soft and loving words. It wasn't long before the blond exhausted himself, laying his head on Izuku's chest with the blanket pulled up over his head, just enough was uncovered that Izuku could see the red puffiness around his eyes.
"We had fun overall, right?" Izuku softly asked, rubbing the older boy's back gently.
Katsuki nodded as he yawned. "Up till we had to pass those fuckers," Katsuki grumbled.
"You did really good though," Izuku said, "I thought for sure you were going to end up punching that guy's face."
"I thought about it," Katsuki admitted, "But I thought the kiss would do more damage to his kind."
Izuku chuckled softly, "Probably. That was a really good kiss by the way. I wouldn't mind you kissing me like that more while we're on dates."
Katsuki looked up at Izuku with that smirk of his. "I bet you would, you gotta earn those kinds," Katsuki teased. Izuku seemed to relax then, seeing Katsuki return to his normal snarky attitude.
"I might have to do more than," Izuku giggled, pressing a kiss to his boyfriend's forehead. "I love you so much Katsuki," He murmured softly, "I love you more than anyone else in this world."
"I love you too," Katsuki mumbled.
"What?"
"You're a nerd!" Katsuki said louder as his cheeks flushed a dark red. That left Izuku giggling and pressing all the kisses he could over his lover's face.
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Shared Life Experiences
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Chapter One: Coming Out
Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Pairing: Steve Rogers x James “Bucky” Buchanan Barnes (Stucky)
Summary:  So much has changed in the seventy years that Steve was under, and now, in the 21st century, he realizes that he no longer has to hide those parts of himself that he used to.
But it isn't that easy, because when Bucky comes back into his life, he remembers all those feelings they’d had to hide back then that they wouldn’t have to now. But he isn't sure if that’s what Bucky wants - because it's been a while and feelings may have changed.
ao3 || ff.net || wattpad
The future was different.
Steve knew that that wasn’t exactly a profound statement, but the difference hit him every day. Many were positive, some negative – thought more in a nostalgic than objective way.
One night, not too long after the Battle of New York, they’d all been lounging in the tv room of Avengers tower, half-watching some drama or other. He hadn’t really been paying attention, and when he glanced over at the screen, he saw what looked like to be two men on a date.
His first thought was that this must be a parody of some kind. But as the scene went on, the romantic tone never wavered.
He was so enthralled by this couple, these two men in love, on the screen, that he didn’t notice the others watching him carefully.
Tony, Natasha, and Bruce watched him cautiously, uncertain of how he’d react. Of course, they hoped for the best, after all, Steve was a very decent guy, and he hadn’t been weird about women or people of colour at all so far. But, on the other hand, he had grown up in the thirties.
On the screen, the blond one knelt down and reached into his coat for a ring box. Steve inhaled sharply, eyes stinging, as the other man nodded tearfully. The two embraced, laughing as they lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
Steve became aware of the others watching him and rose quickly. “Uh, bathroom,” he muttered before rushing out of the room. He knew how it looked, what the others must be thinking, but he didn’t want to be seen having such a strong emotional reaction to a damned soap opera of all things.
He made his way down to an empty hallway and leaned against the wall, eyes closed. He took a few shaky breaths, trying to keep the tears at bay.
Flashes of memory plagued his mind. Sneers. Hurtful words thrown like punches. Hiding in dark places from actual punches. Better memories accompanied them. Laughing blue eyes. Knowing smiles. Kisses in dark hiding places. Small cots and tangled limbs.
But always in secret.
“Steve?” a quiet voice asked.
Steve nearly jumped and quietly turned away to wipe any trace of tears from his eyes. When he turned back, Natasha stood there, arms crossed, leaning against the wall, looking concerned.
“Hey, Nat,” he said, grimacing at the hoarseness of his voice.
“You good?” she asked, and, as Steve was starting to realize with her, she really wanted to know. And he didn’t know what to say.
To say something out loud that has always been a secret between two people, never vocalized in a voice above a whisper, something that’s never been seen in full sunlight, is a feat nigh herculean.
So he just shook his head.
Nat simply pursed her lips, nodded and pulled him into a hug.
 LGBT history was added to his list of research topics an important category on its own. He made his way tearfully through documentaries about Stonewall with Nat at his side. He watched his first pride parade from a distance, not quite ready yet to participate.
Finally, when Steve had once again pulled Nat out of the room to tell her this new thing he’d learned about (Elton John!), she’d said, “Look, man, I don’t want to pressure you or anything, but have you thought of coming out to the others? I promise that they’d be super chill about it.”
Steve looked at her uncertainly. “Are you sure, I mean, I like them and all, but…”
“100% sure,” she said. “They know I’m pan and, hell, I’m pretty sure there’s something going on between Tony and Bruce, with all that tension.”
 The benefit of the internet was that research was so much easier – not just academic research, but research into how people did things, their stories and experiences. Steve read nearly every article about how to come out to one’s friends. But, no matter how much research he did, he didn’t feel quite ready.
That was, until one day, as he was about to head out for a run, he heard his name on the news that played almost perpetually on the tv. He leaned into the room to see what it was about.
A politician who looked vaguely familiar was on the screen – white hair, clean-cut – “… he’s the kind of hero we need as a role model, you see. A traditional man, from a simpler time. I would much prefer my sons to look up to Captain America than Iron Man – who drinks excessively and has a new woman on his arm every time you see him.”
“I’ll have you know that Pepper and I are going steady!” Tony called from the kitchen. “Although we do have an agreement.” He winked at Bruce, who rolled his eyes.
The news host came back on the screen. “That was Senator Johnson at a press earlier today is leading a small faction of senators against L-17, the proposed nation-wide ban of conversion therapy for minors.”
“Obviously, I support the LGBT+ community,” Johnson said a bit awkwardly. “But I also support parents’ rights to raise their children as they see fit. This law is an infringement of people’s freedom of religion.”
Steve’s jaw clenched. He had definitely heard of this guy before – notoriously homophobic, but tried to keep up the nice, reasonable guy routine.
“Hey, Tony,” he said. “How long does it take to set up a charitable organization?”
 Not very long at all, apparently. After a week of meetings and long hours, Steve found himself with a door between him and a crowd of reporters.
Tony came in a grinned. “Don’t know how you did it, but here are more reporters in there than there were when I announced I was Iron Man.”
“Well, Captain America doesn’t hold a lot of press conferences,” Nat said. “So, they know it’s big.”
Steve smiled, trying to look confident. He’d never liked talking to the press, even back in the day. Then he’d just had to talk about beating the Nazis and try to keep up morale. Now he was about to say something to the whole country that he’d never really said out loud before. He hadn’t really had to come out to the rest of the gang per se. They had kind of figured it out through his determination to get this done as quickly as possible. A kind of silent understanding.
But this had to be him. and maybe he was doing it out of spite – he did wish he could see X’s face – but the more he thought about it, he knew it was bigger than that.
He wanted to make sure that no one in this country had to grow up like he did – hiding.
So, with one last deep breath, a reassuring nod from Bruce, a smile from Nat, and a slap on the back from Tony, he stepped through the door and out in front of the crowd.
Questions exploded at him and he quickly walked over to the mic. “Hey, everyone. Glad you could make it. Uh, I’ll take questions in just a sec.”
The crowd quieted down, and Steve took a moment to clear his head and slow his racing heart. “I am here today to announce the launch of my charitable organization, In the Light. And it will be for the support of LGBT+ teens across the country.
The reporters clamoured with questions again. Steve was sure he heard Johnson’s name thrown around. He gestured for them to quiet and continued. “This is something I’ve been wanting to do for a while, but certain recent events have made me realize that I am sometimes associated with, well, ideas and values I disagree with a lot.” He paused. “Those who yearn for a simpler time, when things were more traditional, must remember that people have always been gay, bi, pan, nonbinary, asexual, all the things people are now. And I’d know, because, well, I’m living proof.” Mutters grew. “I was born in 1914, and,” he paused for a fraction of a second. “I am gay.” 
He stopped again as the crowd burst out with questions and waited patiently for them to quiet down. “And while I don’t want to dwell up the negatives, I do want to be honest. It wasn’t always easy. Sometimes, it really sucked. Everything had to be secret and hidden – and sure, we found ways around it, but that didn’t improve the circumstances. I want to help make sure that no one has to hide like I did.” His voice shook a little and he took a moment to clear his head. “Cause no kid should be ashamed of who they are.”
Satisfied that he had said enough, Steve took questions from the reporters.
“Are you referring to Senator Johnson’s statements last week?”
“I…” Steve’s diplomatic nature almost took over but remembered all the harm Johnson could do. He was really just another bully. “Hearing him connect me with his homophobic views did encourage me to go public with this earlier than I had intended, and one of the organization’s first focuses will be on the law banning conversion therapy and getting it passed. But this is bigger than one bigoted senator – this is about helping the kids who suffer because of people like him.”
After a couple of questions from other reporters, a much younger reporter from a news source he didn’t recognize, asked. “Just wanna say, love this a lot. We stand with you. Could you say trans rights?”
Steve smiled. “Absolutely. Trans rights.”
The kid – because really, it was a kid – grinned.
“Well, I’d say that’s a perfect conclusion for this,” Steve said. “Thank you all so much. Call your reps and tell them to vote for Bill L-17 and donate if you can. Thank you.”
When he got through the door, he saw Nat, Bruce, and Tony all watching the screen. They looked a little teary-eyed.
“Great job, Cap,” Tony said. “Way to stick it to that son of a bitch Johnson… And help the kids too, of course.”
Bruce merely nodded and smiled.
Nat grinned. “Told you they’d be chill with it.” When Steve shot her a look, she added. “The country, I mean.” She paused. “Well, obviously, you’ll get hate. Like a lot. I would recommend staying off the internet for like two weeks at least.”
Steve noticed that his heart rate had gone back to normal and he looked at them. This was good.
 Time passed and he got used to people knowing. The old panicky feeling in his chest when the topic came up subsided. The organization grew. The bill passed – for which Tony threw a party.
Steve got to travel all around the country, opening up shelters and homes for kids who were kicked out or felt unsafe at home. He helped reps in various states push for LGBT+ inclusive sex-ed curriculum.
And he talked to the kids. That was simultaneously the best and worst part. The best because they were all wonderful, and smart, and funny, and brave, and strong. So strong. The worst because of their stories. The stories his so close to home sometimes that hall he could do was give them a hug and tell hem things would get better as he tried not to cry.
He didn’t realize how emotionally draining it was until one day Bruce came to visit him in his hotel in Miami and found him staring at a wall.
“Y’alright there, Cap?” he asked.
“Mmm?” Steve said, not looking away. “Yeah, I’m fine. Long day.”
It took Bruce a little bit to get the truth out of him, but when he did, he just sighed and said, “If you go on like this, sooner or later, you’re gonna burn out and it’ll take months to get back to normal.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“How long had you been staring at that wall before I came in?”
Steve shrugged. “Not long.” When Bruce raised his eyebrows, he continued. “Like twenty minutes. You’re right. But I can’t stop.”
“You don’t have to stop, just don’t push yourself so hard, okay? It’s not just you, there are other people who work for this organization. Like actual therapists who are trained to deal with this. You don’t have to go full hands-off, just, you know, take a break every so often.”
 As it turned out, the break from In the Light would come in the form of Avengers work. Steve left the organization in the hands of some trustee employees as his whole world turned upside down for a while.
And then Bucky was back. Bucky who had been by his side as long as he could remember before everything happened. Bucky who had shared a bed with him since they were teenagers and he had started living with Bucky’s family.
Bucky, who had kissed him in a dark alleyway at age fourteen. His first kiss. For almost as long as they had known each other, they had been a little more than friends.
Bucky, who would arrange dates with all the gay and bi girls he knew so that they could go out together without suspicion. When they went to the movies with Ruth and Sarah, he and Bucky would sit on either side so the girls could sit together in the middle. Then they would stand guard outside a janitor’s closet afterwards talking loudly about the movie. And if worst came to worst and there was any trouble, they could keep the girls safe.
Bucky, who was now living with them once everything had quieted down. And while they got back into a reasonably familiar rhythm, there was a degree of separation.
Neither of them dared to step across that thin line between the platonic and the romantic. After all, it had been so long. Feelings may have changed.
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some random numbers: 1, 3, 6, 15, 23, 31, 35, 40. give me ur ungodly long answers.
lmaooo YES brevity whom......i cannot be concise
1) favorite videos?
i sure spent 2010 - 2014 enjoying youtube horror interpersonal-drama series marble hornets, those are a good time. and here in the future you and i both know there is just a wellspring of wrol-related Video Content out there, god damn, i really love so many of them.....in between that there’s sure been a lot of fun and funney videos and like, some Artistique ones i like to revisit [or have disappeared :( ] but i always like to promote this Wuthering Heights one. i love it. oh lol!!!! and the uh, Skate 3 Glitch compilations!!! so so funny
3) favorite memes?
i think Deep Fried Memes are fun all the time lol. the Youtube Meme of “___ but ____” is a lot of fun OH YEAH steamed hams was awesome too. the 24601 Releases A Sammich On Parole ytp is priceless......this is just turning into favorite videos again lmao. vine as a meme and a whole
6)favorite mixes?
you know i never really made or used playlists lol!!!! i will just be like, in the mood for certain songs or else like “i want to listen to music but....which ones”.....i say i can never be concise and all of these answers turning out short lol. it’s not b/c i’m Concise but b/c like, i don’t know what Favorites i have and i don’t have a memory that works without Direct Reminders of Specific Things so i’m just failing to like, come up with the info in the first place smh
15) favorite fictional characters?
here we go lol i can answer this one cuz when i have a fave rave it’s rare and like, easier to remember cuz i do not Go Hard about it that often.....weirdly for the first few years of The Decade i did’t really have such certain faves.....i was def enjoying some characters, as i always do, but nothing like super standout. then in ‘11 or ‘12 or whatever i was like oh hey, ed from cowboybeboy.......and then just had like, the solo experience of me humoring myself w/ that. bit of an usual one b/c a lot of the characters i Really latch on to will tend to be kinda roughly similar in ways that maybe seem pretty at-first-glance levels of obvious, buuut idk she’s not That far off from my usual selections i guess lol. anyways then in 2014 i was like, time to go ham for lars. what a valuable time it was....what Fun we had.....truly tho! and then another interval later it’s 2016 and for similarly (relatable characters of roughly the same cut) i was like, well here i am having a great time re: kip, all while getting to generously use of my fave shade of blue and fangs central and all that fun stuff. and then another interval later the Eventual Unfolding of what started innn 2017 i guess occurs, and it’s late 2018, and i’m like, time to look into Jared Kleinman b/c just from reading the wikipedia summary that didn’t mention him all that much i could tell this was probably a character i’d go ham for for predictable reasons, and the vague interest in that has stuck with me for the past little-over-a-year......and then i was Completely right lol. deh? well that’s just Bonus Jared Lore, to me (though of course alana in her own right is a great and similarly underappreciated character. rights)....and then of course i’ve had a lot of fun with pretty much each and every Wrol Role lmao.......Very fond of jeremy, and also christine, and bmc just has really enjoyable and interesting characters all over the place. and of course, here i am, Extremely #about winston quantbillions as another certified fave rave, really. call it classic!!!
[[answered both 23 and 31 prior, actually.....words were typed....]]
35)a random memory you remember with strange clarity?
tough one because lol a fair amount of “you recorded this memory in a fair amount of detail” is due to increased levels of unpleasantness / stress / discomfort, and if it’s also “i remember this b/c it was Nice” then i wouldn’t call that Strange clarity lol, and Random Memory like “just pull one up from the ol memory bank” is like, god, i wish it were that simple........but give me a min.
oh yeah i had a High Time of it when pokemon go came out (only pokemonn game i have ever played lol) coz there was like, this stretch of Landmarks stops that started at this garden and went along this waterfront / connected park forrr maybe like a half mile stretch? ideal territory and people would actually like, come from out of town to partake in it lol. and i’d Download podcast eps on my phone from my work’s wifi and just like, in the evening listen to that or music and just like, walk and do this shit. i had like five or six gyaradoses at one point cuz i guess the riverside nature of it meant they wanted to throw all these magikarp at you (there Were carp, also! one of the parks had a koi pond.) and like, there were just all these people around doing it along with you, even that late at night and in the early AM hours, so it was fairly social even if u weren’t there with a group or talking with anyone (though there was Camaraderie like, oh hey just so you guys know, there is a ____ over by the boat.) and it was just an interesting Walk with several things to look at and routes to take. and one time in a weird Dead Of Night time like 1am there was this like, smallish cruise ship docked that actually Set Off. and like, a bunch of us randos were just standing there and watching this unfold. this isn’t a very good Clear Random Memory but if i tried to think of a good one, god only knows how long it’d take me lol
40)an important personal revelation?
oh jeez this has really been a decade with lots of the unfortunate combo of “stuff that is a bummer but also boring” lol.......a benefit of getting to spend more time than not Away From The Parents’ House was like, oh sweet, having this perspective for long enough finally leads me to the conclusion of why i hate this......B/c It Is Bad. oh yeah and then there was also conclusively figuring out early in the decade like oh right, i’m trans, that makes sense.......other layers of Gayassedness like oh, more specifically i’m nonbinary, oh yeah and like, i’m not straight, call that queer and/or bi and/or also Gay......bein grey ace like a champ, and aromantic like, oh yeah i’m not like, fucking up at being a person somehow and Letting People Down by not wanting to date them (i mean besides rando cishet men. they can be let down regardless).....and just like, this ongoing process of getting the space to b figuring out myself and what i like For myself in alll kinds of ways....even up till now with the “oh yeah ive been a theatre gay all my life lmaooo” bit that’s like, totally obvious but just like, i didn’t much have the reason to even look at the would-be obvious stuff from the right perspex till now. and it’s pretty fun to realize a Lifelong Area Of Big Interest like that, cuz those sorts of things can feel elusive. and then also unfortunately a lot of the decade has involved like, “oh my self-esteem is so fucked that it’s circling back around and i’m appreciating and valuing myself and that i deserve decent treatment and Not bad shit,” which was a crappy process obviously lol but it was nice when i did start to get there, and making further progress on that front. im not dead certain when i was like “hmm...am autistic” b/c that was definitely a really ongoing process of figuring that out lol, but when / as i did it’s definitely a series of “oh hahaha this is why i’m like This or why i do This or feel like This about This!!” and it’s really easy to learn a totally Brand New Thing all the time abt bein autistic where it’s like Oh #Me!! coz yknow. the info By and For autistic ppl is not always widely available and known of. love that for us
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fatui-harbingers · 5 years
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I love hearing about how gay parents are gonna make gay kids now bc something great happened.
A couple of weeks ago my cousin texted me saying she thought she was bi but wasn't sure. So, me being me, I explained to her that sexuality is a spectrum so she didn't have to like guys and girls equally like we typically think of with bisexuality. And she was like ”oh okay. I think I like guys more but I like girls too” which I already figured.
I'm pan/demi and always have been, I just didn't know the labels like I do now. Some people don't like labels and I understand that. I just prefer them bc it makes it easier for me to explain. I just thought it was normal to like people regardless of whether they were male or female, man or woman, cis or trans. That's bc my mom raised me (dad was present but didn't wanna play a role till recently) and she raised me and my sister to love, not hate. Hate is taught. We're all born loving. Thankfully, my mom didn't teach us hate and judgment like her family did her. She even made my great grandmother stop using the n-word to refer to black people THANK GOSH.
Now, my sis, I'm not sure how she identifies. She is grossed out by sex and doesn't seem to care about romance either but she said if she did, she would be with anyone as long as they were good people by her standards. She seems fine with dating she's just not into that right now but I'm not either so I get that.
I'm the eldest of our generation on my mom's side. Then my sister, then my cousin (the one I talk about about here all the time) Alana, her younger brother Evan and their youngest brother and the youngest of our gen Owen. There's 5 of us. 3 out of 5 aren't straight and guess what? WE WERE ALL RAISED BY STRAIGHT PARENTS!!! My dad is a full-on Trump supporter and so are my aunt and uncle. They're extremely conservative.
So, I'm not sure what this whole gays raise gays thing is about bc it looks to me like straights are raising more nonstraight people than anyone. This is just my observation of course but considering this whole anti-gays having children thing is coming from straight people that obviously don't like LGBTQIA people, I feel my nonstraight observation is a little more important than the anti-gays.
If I had kids, I would do just like my mom did. Raise them to be themselves and to be proud of themselves. I wouldn't tell them to be anything other than themselves bc that's only fair. I'm a good person bc of my mom and no one else all bc she taught be to be me and never taught me to hate anyone. I wouldn't tell my kids who to love or who to hate like anti-gays do.
Probably the only people my mom taught me to be wary of were the police and she wasn't wrong to teach me that either.
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