#loneliness and unrequited love and... that sort of stuff that can't leave my mind even hours after i saw it for the first time

[celestles]

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#for a long time i failed to conceive a dream. or to just imagine one. life was pretty pointless (still kinda is) without a very specific #dream to have. or a goal to achieve #i mean. we all have objectives. we need to finish an assignment or to graduate or to get a job and shit. but they're not dreams at all #they're stuff to deal with so we can go after your dreams or just to make your existence continue you know? that's why they're expendable #it's okay if you don't start college or if you don't finish that exam or that sort of stuff. there's more on the way #the thing is. i didn't have a dream that felt mine at all #or something that wasn't a consequence of an objective like... getting a good job related to my major or getting a bigger place to live so i #can adopt more cats etc etc. but today I realized i do have a dream. and it's both easy and hard to achieve (as most dreams are) #i wanna get good at drawing. but not like to feel Completely Satisfied with what i already do/my style bc that's an endless journey! #my dream is to make someone feel what i feel every time i look at a meaningful piece of art about love and life and kindness and family and #loneliness and unrequited love and... that sort of stuff that can't leave my mind even hours after i saw it for the first time #i wanna make art that people can actually feel and get something more from what i made. i wanna make someone's day happier through my art #i want someone to tell me how much they love my art and how it impacted on their lives and how they love what it was and how it was made #i want my art to actually express something. the thing is.... i don't think I'm doing it noe #i try my best and i try hard and i spend so much time on my own making stuff i don't share because when i do people don't seem to like it #and it makes me hate what i do. which is an extension of myself. so i hate myself more. and i find myself worthless again. and i think #that's the core of my problem? i don't feel exceptional but everyone i've met is exceptional somehow and i can describe how exceptional and #amazing they are to me but i know i'm not an exceptional person for them #and that's okay. i mean i got used to it. i like ghosting people and not having very close people and i hate compliments and gifts always #make me feel uncomfortable and in debt in a bad way. so when someone is nice to me i simply leave. but sometimes i can't make myself leave #them. and i guess that's okay. i guess I'm getting better at opening up. but the thing is... i love them so much and i don't think they love #me as much as i do. because otherwise I'd feel like sharing how bad i want to be praised for expressing stuff through my art to them instead #of writing this in my tags because i know no one will read this. i made sure no one ever gets to read what i write or think by isolating #myself. and that's why i want my art to be something that expresses what i can't. because it's the only thing i allow to be seen from me. #anyway #shush celeste #i thought abt posting this in my vent blog but i believe this is long enough for someone to care