#lol saint cal

[quuma]

『𝔾ℝℝℝℝℝ 𝕄𝔸ℝ𝔸𝕌𝔻𝔼ℝ ℍ𝔼𝔸𝔻ℂ𝔸ℕℕ𝕆ℕ𝕊 ℝ𝔸𝔸𝔸𝔸𝔸𝔸𝔸𝔸 *𝕒𝕝𝕡𝕙𝕒 𝕙𝕠𝕨𝕝𝕤*:』

𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘶𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘦𝘳𝘢 𝘺𝘢'𝘭𝘭 😍😍😍😍😍 𝘈𝘏𝘋𝘑𝘚𝘏𝘑𝘈𝘍

𝘾𝙒: 𝙪𝙝𝙢,,, 𝙗𝙤𝙙𝙮 𝙞𝙢𝙖𝙜𝙚?? 𝙄 𝙖𝙡𝙨𝙤 𝙫𝙖𝙜𝙪𝙚𝙡𝙮 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙍𝙚𝙢𝙪𝙨’𝙨 𝙥𝙝𝙮𝙨𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙙𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙗𝙚𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙣𝙚𝙜𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙡𝙮 𝙖𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙮 𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙡𝙮𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙝𝙧𝙤𝙥𝙮, 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙞 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩’𝙨 𝙨𝙤𝙧𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙩𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙩’𝙨,, 𝙮’𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬,, 𝙍𝙚𝙢𝙪𝙨 𝙇𝙊𝙇,, 𝙞𝙣𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙜𝙧𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙖𝙧 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙘𝙖𝙥𝙞𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙗𝙘 𝙞 𝙬𝙧𝙤𝙩𝙚 ¾ 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙙𝙪𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙢𝙮 𝙨𝙩𝙪𝙙𝙮 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙤𝙙 𝙘𝙡𝙖𝙨𝙨𝙚𝙨 𝙩𝙚𝙚𝙝𝙚𝙚

𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨; 75% 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘶𝘴 𝘭𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘯, 23% 𝘫𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦,,, 2% 𝘴𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘶𝘴 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘓𝘖𝘓 !!

𝙗𝙩𝙬 𝙮𝙖’𝙡𝙡 𝙢𝙮 𝘼𝙡𝙥𝙝𝙖 𝙋𝙪𝙣𝙨™ 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙙𝙤 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙍𝙚𝙢𝙪𝙨’𝙨 𝙡𝙮𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙝𝙧𝙤𝙥𝙮 𝙞 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙢𝙞𝙨𝙚 (𝙘𝙧𝙮 𝙚𝙢𝙤𝙟𝙞) 𝙞 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙖𝙡𝙥𝙝𝙖 𝙢𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙛𝙪𝙣𝙣𝙮 :( 𝙥𝙡𝙨 𝙣𝙤 𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙡 𝙢𝙚

𝙊𝙃 𝙖𝙡𝙨𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙞𝙨 𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙖𝙪𝙙𝙚𝙧’𝙨 𝙚𝙧𝙖 𝙗𝙖𝙨𝙚𝙙,,, 𝙨𝙤 𝙨𝙚𝙩 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 1970𝙨! 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙮’𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙩𝙪𝙙𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙨 𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 :)

OKAY FINAL FINAL NOTE! just a quick warning to people who read this but don't know me, i am an X READER ONLY blog! so please no character x character comments <3 i've seen quite a few unsavoury interactions on tumblr surrounding this topic before, so thank you in advance for your understanding :) [no hate towards anyone who only interacts with cxc content! it's just not my sort of content, so please don't bring it up on my blog! :)]

DISCLAIMER; THESE HEADCANNONS ARE 90% BASED ON FANON DEPICTIONS. in canon all of the marauders are NOT great people to say the least [some much worse than others 💀], and I am in NO WAY trying to act as if they’ve never done a thing wrong in their life, and that they’re all uwu soft feminist icon saint 😍. I KNOW that they canonically are all incredibly messed up [lupin’s overwhelming insecurities influencing his cowardice, making him not only risk the lives of his students and attempt to abandon his pregnant wife, but also enable his friends’ behaviours in fear of being ostracised (can’t rlly blame the guy too much for being insecure, but still. explanations of behaviours doesn’t negate that those behaviours are still bad), potter’s quite literally just a bully who sexually harassed and physically harmed snape, and then blackmailed and tricked the girl he liked into thinking he’d changed for the better, and black,,, just needing severe therapy. there’s honestly so much going on with him that I’d need to make a whole post.], I simply depict them in their more fanon-influenced forms because it’s comforting and a fun past-time :)

♥---------------------------------------------------------------------------♥

kisses;

remus,, hand kisses !!! HAND. KISSES. RAAAAAA okay just imagine it,, him sitting next to you while youre both busy [him with reading/listening to music in his earphones, and you studying] and gently holding your non-occupied hand,, occasionally habitually rubbing his thumb across the back of it,, and out of nowhere - without even lifting his gaze from the enrapturing words scattered across the pages of his novel - he just lifts your hand up to his liips and does one of those slow gentle kisses to it !! and afterwards he just puts your hand back down and goes back to peacefully reading, not even thinking about how effected you would be from such casual intimacy,, bc like,, he just doesn’t think that he did anything particularly special ASHJHDFADHSJ CRYING SCREAMING THOWING UP WHEN IS IT MY TURN

OMFG AND NECK/JAWLINE KISSES

I feel like remus would have a habit of just resting his head in the crook of your neck/collarbone whenever he gets stressed/overwhelmed [or just annoyed with the other marauders LOL], and once he’s calmed down he’ll tilt his head towards you and kiss your neck or jawline as a silent thank you before fully pulling away… AHKDHSDSJ iMAGINE HIM WHISPERING INTO YOUR EAR BEFORE FULLY PULLING BACK TOO RAAAAAAA *alpha howls, growls and rips shirt open* 

wait guys was Remus a Prefect?? i need to make sure i use the right terminology

nvm the internet is terrible at school 💀💀 let's hope that i'm right

[“the sound of shuffling fabric and slight movement from the prefect leaning against your side steals your attention away from the potions textbook that had dutifully held your attention for the past hour. “I swear, they’re gonna be the death of me one day,” he gently sighs into the side of your head. his exaggerated breath sends a cloud of warmth across your ear, mussed strands of his hair tickling your cheek as you shake out a soft chuckle. You murmer back a half-hearted, blasé response, mind still mainly focussed on the procedures and ingredients required to be memorised for your upcoming potions test. remus stays pressed against you for a moment longer - savouring the peace he seldom has the joy of experiencing - before slowly turning his head to face your neck, silently placing a gently kiss on the bare skin before pulling away, moving back to sit properly on the dormitory’s couch.”  SIDE EYE]

or like,, playing with his hair while he’s leaned against you AHJAHSJSH bro probably has rlly soft hair,,

OKAY MOVING ON FROM REMUS

JAMES.

JAME [whatever his middle name is,,, i think it’s Florence or smth] POTTER.

the one and only True Feminist King ™ and Lady’s Man ™ 

okay jkjk i’ll actually get into his kiss hcs now,,,

CHEEK KISSES! NOSE KISSES!

these are gonna be much less detailed than remus’s ones LOL sorry for being a simp :/// plus im writing these at school rn and i don’t have enough time left in this study period to add lots more detail [remus took me like 35 mins HDHAJDHS i only have 25 mins left smhhhhhh]

i know that James sort of has the same Playboy ™ label as Sirius,, but he seems like a much less promiscuous person to me [probably bc he was a Loyal King ™ to our resident girlboss Lily MF EVANS]

there’s just something so,, innocent? about cheek kisses! theyre so childish, but one of the purest forms of affection that i can think of!

I feel like especially because he’s so busy with all of his school duties [quidditch captain, prefect i think,,, i dont rlly remember LOL (LMAO okay i just checked,, apparently he was Head Boy but NOT a Prefect), and general studies], he wouldn’t have much time to have the long cuddling/affection sessions that he wants! SO! INSTEAD! stolen cheek kisses whenever you happen to see eachother in the halls between your classes! theyre quick, easy, and accessible - plus aren’t TOO  PDA-like that it’d particularly bother anyone [and wouldn’t cause anyone to complain about their Prefect (correction: Head Boy) not being a very good example to the 1st Years LOL]!!

just quick pecks on the cheek and yelled “love you! see you at dinner!” while he rushes past to make sure he gets to quittich practice in time [and so his fellow teammembers dont yell at him for getting caught up with you and being late AGAIN],,

so cute *sobs violently*

I feel like everyone makes him out to be too much of a fuckboy,,, idk I just can’t rlly see him being a fuckboy?? he was pretty loyal to Lily (even though his methods of getting her attention were,,, questionable)

and like yeah he’s a horny teenager who wants to make-out but literally everyone writes about that so im making him soft instead AHDJBHSA

HELP I JUST HAD THE BIGGEST HEART ATTACK BC MY CHROME TAB CRASHED AND I THOUGHT IT DIDN’T SAVE ALL THIS WRITING

okay im fine now :)))) back to writing mORE JAMES

NOSE KISSES!!

y’know how people’s nose scrunches up whenever someone kisses it??? THIS MF L O V E S THAT

HE EATS IT UP FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER

as he should tbh

scrum-diddly-umptious - that’s some good fucking food

he’ll do it as a way to annoy you and get your attention whenever you arent focussed on him (like you SHOULD be 😒😒 smh smh)

also like,, if both of you have glasses they’ll bump into each other and *click* whenever he gets close enough to actually kiss your nose, making both of you giggle RAAAAAAA 

and if you did it to him instead!! His glasses will slightly fall down while his nose scrunches up, giddy smile stretched across his lips and cheeks brushed with a slight blush RAAAAAA A SOFT GLEAM IN HIS EYE BC HE ADORES WHENEVER YOU ACT AFFECTIONATE WITH HIM RAAAAAAAAA *rips shirt open and falls to my knees, transforming into my Alpha ™ form while growling*

okay now for the ONE SINGULAR Sirius hc i could think of!!!

I literally cannot write for Sirius,, idk why he’s just too much of an enigma for my small brain to handle

kisses on the back of the shoulder/neck :,(((((((

he just stands behind you and either like,,, holds you from behind [maybe not that seems a little TOO OOC] OR is looking over your shoulder at something youre holding/doing and lets out a small humm of acknowledgement before softly kissing the back of your neck and walking off to go back to whatever task he was originally doing

I feel like he does that a lot,,, just walks over to see what youre doing and nodding like “oh, cool, i approve of this action” before moving on and doing whatever he has planned

it’s nothing judgmental or malicious!! he’s just curious to see whatever has you so enraptured and distracted

occasionally he’ll tell you the answer to a homework question/exam revision page  if that’s what youre doing, but only if youre visibly struggling! he wants you to be able to do it on your own [OOC FUCK I CANT WRITE SIRIUS IM SORRY *SOBS CRIES AND SHITS ON FLOOR*]

I feel like he’d also kiss your back/neck at random times during the day just to annoy.bother you!

in the middle of a conversation? he’s behind you pecking your shoulder before continuing on his walk with James to their next class. sitting down at the dining hall table eagerly awaiting your meal? he’s lifting your hair and kissing the back of your neck before sliding into the empty spot on the bench next to you.

Absolute MENACE.

but it’s cute so it gets a pass from me <333333 teehee

HANDS AND BODY HANDS AND BODY HANDS AND BODY-;

remus’s hands,,, long, bony fingers! Medium-long nails,, he files them against any hardcover books that he reads teehee <3

perpetually cold fingertips??? but VERY warm palms,,, mmmm comfy

scarred hands! ik ik this is a very popular headcannon that everyone talks about but shUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKING ABOUT IT AGAIN

mmmm,, yummy scar texture,,, okay no that makes it sound like im trying to downplay/sexualise his lycanthropy hhnngggg 🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️ I PROMISE IM NOT I JUST LIKE HOW SCAR TEXTURE FEELS

the scars make his hands feel very calloused!! most of his scarring would be scratches/similar wounds [i also feel like he also constantly has paper cuts on his fingers from when his fingers slip between pages,,, YES another headcannon but remus is an avid Bookmark Hater ™ ❌❌ finger bookmarks only for this guy ✅✅!! he almost always has a finger or two jammed between two pages, clutching onto the book for dear life, praying that neither james nor sirius knocks into him and makes him accidentally slip them out] [OKAY ADDING ONTO THAT as a precautionary measure just in case he DOES actually get knocked and lose the page (which happens more often than he’d like) he constantly mumbles the page number under his breath until he’s able to read again AHFDSJFHJD “page119page119page119page119page119page119- oh, yes, i can grab that bag for you, it’s really not a bother to me at all- page1,,page,, FUCK-”], so it doesn’t cover every single area of skin, which would create this rlly cool dynamic between calloused scars and soft skin !!! ME LOVES CONTRAST

body,,, body,,, tall guy! wait is he canonically tall as well or is my brain making this up ?? whatever LOL

BUT YES A TALL GUY,, like TALL TALL,,, like no matter how tall you are he probably has a cm on you, yknow?

oh youre 391cm tall? well remus is 392 cm tall 🥱 get better at being tall, loser

AHAHHDSJDH OKAY im kidding i promise

body type,, lean? I dont know whether or not i should mention any definite muscles or not,,hmmm

because on one hand, it makes sense for him to have a little bit of lean muscle on him! he needs at least some amount of strength to deal with his transformations,,, but then again maybe all of that strength only comes out because he’s transformed, and isn’t technically in his own body? that would create another interesting dynamic between his human and werewolf counterparts! it would probably act as a good way for him to mentally separate himself from his lycanthropy,, just pretend that it isn’t even you,, but i also feel like that would do more harm than good for his mind? it would probably create some sense of imposter syndrome [if that’s what it’s called],,, BUT THATS A CONVERSATION FOR ANOTHER TIME

i could also see his body being incredibly frail and weak though, too! like the transformations take so much out of him, and his physique is SO strong during those few transformed hours, that his body cannot properly recover from it, making it almost impossible to build up much muscle mass,,,, OOO that would create SUCH an interesting view of his lycanthropy! instead of remus just seeing it as something monstrous and shameful, he’d also associate it with a parasite of some kind! leeching off and affecting his health on a daily basis,, never allowing him a moment of respite to try and forget he isn’t fully human unlike the rest of his friends and peers,, that would make his lycanthropy a MUCH more severe issue than it is already [although it IS still incredibly serious! I dont mean to sound like I'm downplaying it], as it can slowly kill him even when not in transformation!,,,,HMMM there are too many options to choose from!

from a character-depth and angst-lover perspective, i prefer the second option, but from a Remus Lover ™ perspective, the first is probably better^^ poor guy deserves to be somewhat happier :( 

besides that one section of his hands that’s always freezing, i feel like rest of his body runs pretty warm! that’s likely attributed to his lycanthropy, though [wolves are incredibly warm animals! especially if you consider their natural habitats and many layers of fur!]

 FINALLY MOVING ON FROM REMUS

JAMES. AGAIN.

i feel like not many people talk about how,, buff??? built?? Idk the word for it but James definitely wouldn’t be the little skinny guy that i see quite a few people describe and draw him as

this mf was a chaser and eventual captain for the Gryffindor Quidditch team for almost his entire 7 years at Hogwarts 🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️ that boy would have to be at least a little bit muscular

I’m definitely not saying he has the body of those creepy 35-year-old actors that play highschool football teammates in American tv shows, but he’s a pretty solid dude!

OMFG I JUST REMEMBERED THE WORD I WAS LOOKING FOR!! “bulky”,,, or “broad”

by no means does he have a six pack, but he definitely has built arms and thighs from all of his quidditch practice! just a very broadly-built guy

WAIT OW IMAGINE HOW MUCH YOUR THIGHS WOULD HURT AFTER RIDING A BROOM FOR TOO LONG 😭 the chafing must be INSANE

BUT REGARDLESS, this trait carries onto his hands !!

chunky hands! VERY calloused from holding his broom so tightly,,, squarish palms,,, 

ANOTHER CONSTANTLY WARM GUY OMFG HES LIKE A FURNANCE 😭 like bro pls go see a doctor you shouldn’t be emitting that much heat from your body

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𝘖𝘒𝘈𝘠 𝘗𝘖𝘖𝘒𝘐𝘌 𝘉𝘌𝘈𝘙𝘚 𝘛𝘏𝘈𝘛’𝘚 𝘈𝘓𝘓 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘏𝘌𝘈𝘋𝘊𝘈𝘕𝘕𝘖𝘕𝘚 𝘐 𝘏𝘈𝘝𝘌 𝘍𝘖𝘙 𝘕𝘖𝘞 <333 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘯𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘈𝘛 𝘈𝘓𝘓 𝘴𝘰 𝘱𝘭𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘰𝘭’ 𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘮𝘮𝘢𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳𝘴 <333 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘨𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬 [,,, 𝘰𝘳 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘺 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘏𝘰𝘨𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘓𝘦𝘨𝘢𝘤𝘺 𝘈𝘏𝘑𝘋𝘈𝘚𝘏𝘍𝘑 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘬𝘦𝘺 𝘴𝘰 𝘧𝘶𝘯,, 𝘪 𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘫𝘰𝘬𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭 𝘢𝘴𝘴,,, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘪’𝘮 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘵 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘵 𝘚𝘖𝘉𝘚 𝘐 𝘑𝘜𝘚𝘛 𝘞𝘐𝘚𝘏 𝘐𝘛 𝘞𝘈𝘚 𝘋𝘜𝘙𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘈𝘕 𝘌𝘙𝘈 𝘞𝘐𝘛𝘏 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘏𝘗/𝘔𝘈𝘙𝘈𝘜𝘋𝘌𝘙𝘚 𝘊𝘏𝘈𝘙𝘈𝘊𝘛𝘌𝘙𝘚 𝘛𝘏𝘈𝘛 𝘞𝘌 𝘗𝘌𝘙𝘚𝘖𝘕𝘈𝘓𝘓𝘠 𝘒𝘕𝘖𝘞,,, 𝘪 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴,,]

#q's journal #harry potter #marauders #the marauders #marauders era #x reader #gn reader #marauders x reader #marauders x gn reader #hp #hp x reader #hp x y/n #marauders x y/n #marauders x you #harry potter x reader #remus lupin x reader #marauders headcanon #james potter x reader #sirius black x reader #remus lupin my beloved <3 #hogwarts #hogwarts legacy #marauders/reader #marauders/y/n

[unrequitedloveletter]

Hello! Um, your writing is my fave, obvi! I've had a shit week this week (T Swizzle is the only thing saving it), so I was hoping for some Kaz hurt/comfort? I've had this idea floating around in my head for ages but I'm a terrible writer so I need you, Cal!!!

I saw a prompt that said Character A is worried about Charcter B and B tells them "We're not there yet/"It's not bad enough yet" which gives me The Feels™. I was wondering if you could do this with Kaz comes home to dind the reader during or after an asthma attack like on the bathroom floor trying not to die.

I'd literally cry (in a good way). ❤️

Not Quite There- Kaz Brekker

Okay!! I told you that this would be coming out at six tonight, but guess what? I REALLY wanted to post this so I guess that makes me a bit of a liar lol. I’m sorry that I let this get buried in my inbox, and that you had to wait THREE WEEKS for it to be written!! I promise, when I’m not trying to juggle like, four different things at once my response time to requests is fairly quick--quicker than three weeks, anyway!! 

Fic type- this one is hurt because asthma attacks SUCK (I don't experience them but what I read made them sound like a hellscape.) but comfort because kaz brekker is oddly good at being comforting without really meaning to be

Warnings-mentions of death

Most of the bathrooms in the Slat were connected to the rooms by process of a brown painted door, a golden knob with rust on the corners.

Most of the bathrooms in the Slat were nothing more than a small sink, a toilet, and a third of the space was covered in tiled flooring, a shower curtain hanging over it with a showerhead and a drain on the floor to accompany the curtain.

Kaz had occupancy of the entirety of the third floor, however, and considering the romance that'd developed and had been going on the better part of four years by then, and had been sharing a bed and a living space for eight months of those four years, you did, as well.

Kaz's bathroom was different because he'd had the luxury of being able to put the money he made towards renovations where they were needed.

To start, the bathroom was noticeably bigger. Where all the other bathrooms in the Slat were only a bit bigger than a cell in Hellgate--which was 6x8. The bathrooms in the slat were 8x9--Kaz's was bigger even still. The bathroom was 10x12.

On a particularly terrible day for his leg, Kaz had a bathtub installed so that he could soak it when the pain grew to a point of unmanageability. He also upgraded his shower head and added a mirror above the sink, to say the least of the embellishments that Kaz could afford.

It was almost a shame, you realized, as you continued in what'd begun to feel like an effort to cough up your right lung. You'd left your inhaler on your nightstand, and it would've made you feel terrible if you'd not had to remember that nobody expected an asthma attack to kick them in the lungs as they finished washing their face in front of the bathroom sink.

You'd ended up in the bathtub, coughing as you tried to intake more air and hoped that the attack would blow over and you wouldn't need to use your inhaler. Standing up would require more air than it was worth, and so, you didn't stand up in an effort to grab the inhaler yourself, only hoped you wouldn't need it even though part of you knew that you'd more than likely end up needing it and would have to put the effort into standing up and getting it amidst an attack anyway.

It was when Kaz opened the door, alarmed look on his face, that you mentally said a thank you to the saints above. You glimpsed your inhaler in Kaz's left hand, his cane clutched in his right.

"Are you okay?" He asked, shaking his head at himself as he proceeded into the bathroom, closing the door with a push from his cane as he entered.

He walked to the bathtub, offering your inhaler to you with a gloved hand.

"It's not bad enough yet," you said as your coughing finally dulled out. Maybe the inhaler hadn't been necessary, but you'd wait it out for the next few seconds just to be careful. "We're not there yet Kaz, but thank you for grabbing it. I was worried I'd have to grab it mid wheeze."

"Even if it's dulled, you're still coughing," like your lungs were trying to prove Kaz's point, another coughing spell emerged from the dust. "Take it. You need the meds."

You managed a sigh before taking the inhaler from him, popping off the cap that came from the mouth piece, and shaking it once, twice, three times, before you brought it to your lips and pressed down on the medication twice as you inhaled slowly.

As the medication settled and did its thing, your coughing finally dulled out and your breathing got to the process of returning to normal.

"Thank you for worrying, Kaz," you said as you popped the mouthpiece cover back onto the inhaler. "I appreciate it immensely."

"I wasn't worried," he said. Neither of you explicitly stated it, but both of you knew that it was a lie. "Just can't have you, one of the best on my crew dying because of asthma. There are more heroic ways to die."

"And certainly more poetic ones," you agreed. Kaz offered you his cane for a moment, and you used it to get to standing, passing it back to him as you stepped out of the bathtub. "Thank you, Kaz. Really."

"I care about you, Y/N. An inhaler near the end of your attack was the least I could've done to show such a thing."

You gave him a grin, and the two of you headed out of the Slat and to the Crow Club together, inhaler tucked into your coat pocket just in case.

#kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker #six of crows

[undying-lilies]

Any recs of songs for a Cal Kestis playlist? I got JFO for Christmas and now I am unhealthily obsessed with him, so obviously that means I have to channel my energy into making him a playlist

I absolutely do have some song recs for you and I will GLADLY share them. also welcome to the Cal Kestis Fan Club I hope you're enjoying your stay 🤝

I'm Still Here from Treasure Planet

Run Boy Run by Woodkid

Dirty Imbecile by The Happy Fits

You're Nobody Til Somebody Wants You Dead by Saint Motel (okay this one is more the vibes and the title than the lyrics because poor Cal keeps making enemies shbfhsbjd)

well I have a lot less Cal-coded songs than I thought. I need to remedy this somehow lol

#if you're interested I can also share my JFO playlist! #but anyway I hope these were of some help to you 😌👐 #now if you'll excuse me I need to find more songs that fit Cal because I can't only have four songs for my fave fictional character lolol #thank ye for the ask #star wars #jedi fallen order #cal kestis my beloved

[tapalslegacy]

☄. *. ⋆ VERSES & TIMELINE

All verses will be tagged as such, unless it takes place in the main verse (and so long as I don't forget lol). If you would like a thread within a certain verse or point in the timeline, please let me know!

MAIN. This will take place within the Jedi Survivor game, during the events of the game or post-game. The year is 9 BBY. Cal is 23 years old, or 23+ if post-game.

CLONE WARS, YOUNG!CAL KESTIS. This will take place during the Clone Wars, when Cal is a Jedi Padawan under the guidance of Master Jaro Tapal. Cal will be 12-13 years old.

INQUISITOR (ELEVENTH BROTHER). DEAD DOVE WARNING. Cal was captured by Second Sister, formerly known as Trilla Suduri, along with the holocron (during Jedi Fallen Order). He was taken into the Fortress Inquisitorious on Nur and was made subject to reconditioning. He goes by only his title, 'The Eleventh Brother,' and hardly goes by his birth name. He has begrudgingly embraced the dark side, holding resentment towards the Empire for stripping him of his freedom. He's emotionless and arguably only the shell of the man he once was. Unless... Someone could break through that barrier? Deep down inside, maybe the remnants of the Jedi Cal was still lurks.

GRAND INQUISITOR AND SITH APPRENTICE. DEAD DOVE WARNING.

HEAVILY AFFLILIATED WITH @skysaunter — Cal quit the Braccan Scrap Guild--not by choice, as his hand was forced by a visit from the Second and Ninth Sister--then joined the Mantis Crew and the Rebellion. He was taken in after serving as a distraction to ensure that his friends would escape to deep space. His abilities had captured the attention of Lord Vader. Under Vader, he was trained to hone his skills not only in the Force, but more so in the dark side; bending and manipulating the Force to his will, becoming one of Vader's Sith Apprentices (the other being Luke Skywalker). Known for his extreme efficiency and speed in completing tasks, Cal was promoted from his title of the Eleventh Brother to the Grand Inquisitor. The Grand Inquisitor, Sith Apprentice, Empire's Mutt, Imperial Hell Hound, Icarus, and Hades are a few of the many names of which he is referenced as. He is ruthless, sadistic, and acts with no remorse. Deep inside, he is self aware that what he is doing is wrong. This in itself has driven him to wear his helmet at all times. He doesn't want his face to be the last thing his victims see. Suffering from loneliness and depression, due to the stigma around the Inquisitorious and the fears of the general public, he sought companionship in all the wrong places: in one night stands, to the point of becoming addicted to sex. When he realized that this was getting in the way of his performances in missions, he cut himself off from the women he was seeing. He was hurt by a woman he was romantically involved with, after being used and told he wasn't enough, and this made him close himself off emotionally from others. He's far more reserved than he was, compared to when Vader first found him as an eighteen year old boy.

GOOD ENDING (JEDI MASTER), wherein the Jedi Order never fell. Palpatine's plot had been exposed by Jedi Knight-turned-Master Anakin Skywalker, with the assistance of Master Mace Windu.

With Master Anakin Skywalker at the forefront, and new member of the Jedi High Council, the Order slowly embraced attachments as a part of life, and a means of testing one's emotions and emotional maturity as a Jedi. Additionally, the balance between the Light and Dark sides of the Force became more openly accepted as it is a testament to a Jedi's emotional restraint.

Cal Kestis continued his training under Master Jaro Tapal and eventually became a Jedi Master, and soon after was a member of the High Council. Known to be snarky and outspoken, Cal often faces criticism among the High Council members for his usage of strong language and his brazen attitude. Yet his heart is soft, the freckled Jedi has the patience of a saint when it comes to teaching others.

GREY'S ANATOMY. Grey's Anatomy verse where Cal (Doctor Kestis) is a pediatric surgeon (meaning he is trained to surgically operate on infants, children, and young adults). He invests his heart and soul into his work and genuinely wants to help his patients have a better chance at life. So much so that he gets depressed if he loses a patient and the feeling never goes away, even if he's years into the practice. He's got a big heart and it shows.

Alternatively, in an alternate reality, Cardiothoracic Surgeon. He'd make dumb heart puns, especially on Valentine's Day, when it's appropriate and won't offend his patients.

DUNE (FILMS). Cal Harkonnen is the adoptive son of Vladimir Harkonnen and a Ginaz Swordmaster under the House Harkonnen. He is around the same age as Paul Atreides. Rivals with his cousin, Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen, Cal would be constantly under pressure to do always do better than the efforts that which he already contributes by Vladimir, while Feyd-Rautha would see Cal as a threat to securing the throne. Although Cal has a more compassionate nature compared to his cousin, he would have been pushed by Vladimir to be a better swordsman than Feyd-Rautha to the point of collapse while training.

Cal has expressed empathy for the Fremen, agreeing with House Atreides that it is wrong to exploit the resources of a planet that doesn't belong to them, and also misguided are the beliefs House Harkonnen holds against the Fremen. This angered Vladimir and, while out on spice retrieval, Cal was abandoned in the sands of Arrakis upon orders of his adoptive father. Much like Paul, Cal watched seitch training videos on the Fremen and their way of life. In vengeance, Cal summoned a Shai-Hulud to engulf the Harvester that he was sent on.

Found by the Fundamentalist Fremen in the South, Cal expressed that he wanted no harm and instead wished to join the Fremen. After successfully completing the ritualized combat for initiation, killing a Fremen man, Cal adopted the ways of the Desert, completely fascinated by the culture and always willing to learn more. He learned how to speak Chakobsa, became fluent in it, and assisted the Fremen with their onslaughts against foreign threats.

With the Bene Gesserit seeking influence across the galaxy, especially among the Great Houses, the witches would see Cal as a potential means of leverage. Recognizing his potential before he was violently disowned by House Harkonnen, the Bene Gesserit sent one of their sisters to Cal to fulfill the witches' agenda. The sister, having been deeply hurt by House Harkonnen in the past with her family members consisting of Harkonnen's maidservants and consequently facing abuse and even homicide, wished to eliminate Cal. However, Cal's contrasting gentle nature compared to that of the Harkonnens, convinced her that he could be a valuable ally to the Bene Gesserit. This came from Cal's growing resentment towards his father, as he wished to have lived his life differently rather than to be trained as a warrior and having sentiments of a pacifist. The Bene Gesserit sister agreed and taught Cal how to speak with the Voice. This could be especially useful to Cal during combat.

DUNE (NOVELIZATION). (Only stating the nuanced differences, all else applies.)

AFFILIATED WITH @impercre ; thank you for helping me with this! — As a member of one of the lesser branches of House Harkonnen, the Baron Vladimir Harkonnon adopted Cal Harkonnen to ensure that the throne stays under his name. Cal's biological mother is a Bene Gesserit, but this is unbeknowndst to the Baron. Unlike in the films version of this verse, Cal has a good relationship with Feyd-Rautha and Glossu Rabban, his cousins. Though they were pitted against each other since they were still young, Cal always made sure to check up on them after their sparring sessions. However, much like the films version of this verse, Cal was still abandoned in Arrakis due to the Baron's dislike towards Cal's pacifist nature and shared sentiment with House Atreides.

HISTORICAL/VAMPIRE. Cal Kestis was born in the year 1755 in New York. He fought with the American Revolution as a patriot, in the Civil War as a Union soldier, WWI, WWII. He's watched America grow as a nation. Fought for equality time and time again. He wouldn't like talking about history if asked, but every now and then he'd have stories to tell. About the friends he made along the way. About the people he loves and had to leave. How every year he's reminded to cherish those in his life before they are gone.

Cal studied medicine when he first turned 18. He earned his Doctor of Medicine Degree and switched between serving as a medic and a soldier during conflicts. He hasn't aged since he physically turned 23. Vampires in this universe each have their own unique abilities; Cal himself was gifted with telekenetic abilities, psychometry (the ability to see the history tied to objects upon contact), and charismatic control. He also has enhanced speed, enhanced agility, enhanced strength. He can protrude and retract his fangs by will. He is unaffected by sunlight, garlic, and can only be killed if dismembered and thrown into fire (please don't kill my muse).

He's also had to change/rotate names again and again to avoid suspicion that he's been alive for almost three hundred years.

TANGLED. Instead of being found by the Mantis Crew, Cal left the Braccan Scrap Guild after being discovered by Hondo Ohnaka. No longer being used for his then small stature, his objective changed to Ohnaka's exploitation of his abilities in the Force and his experience in combat through the Clone Wars. Believing that he had found a place in the Galaxy (to which he was terribly mistaken), Cal worked under the false pretenses that what he was doing would be appreciated and his love would be reciprocated. Only when he was a little older than thirteen and completely jaded by the demanding and risky missions Ohnaka sent him on, did he realize that he was being used and eventually left the Ohnaka Gang.

He operates under the alias 'Flynn Rider,' inspired by the tales of a fictional man; swashbuckling rogue, richest man alive, not bad with the ladies. Flynnagan Rider, the name of the said character, had enough money to do everything he wanted to do, and could go anywhere he wanted to go. For a thirteen-year-old, stripped of his home, friends, Master, and familiarity of what life was like in the Jedi Order, 'Flynn Rider' was a mask that Cal Kestis wore not only to evade recognition, but also to cope with the reality he woke up to Post Order 66.

HOLLYWOOD (MODERN). Cal, like all characters in the SW universe, are all actors on a set, with the makeup, special effects, and costumes. Cal has learned martial arts in his spare time and proper swordfighting techniques to sell the story on screen. He is serious when the time calls for it but when a cut is called for, or when the cameras stop rolling, he is an absolute silly goose.

M.ARVEL. TBA.

TOKYO DRIFT. TBA.

TOKYO GHOUL. TBA. ME BEFORE YOU. TW // suicide, injurry. After a snowboarding accident involving an avalanche, Cal Kestis, the prized heir to his father's luxury sports car manfacturing business, became paralyzed from the neck down. As a quadripilegic, Cal became miserable, missing his life prior which revolved around dangerous sports and chasing after the adrenaline rush. After he voiced his wishes to go to Dignitas in Switzerland for assisted suicide, his parents hired a carer to hopefully change his mind.

MODERN (GENERAL). HERE.

#𓇻 〵𝐈'𝐌 𝐂𝐀𝐋. 𝐊𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐒. ( verses page ) #𓇻 〵 𝐒𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐌𝐄 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐌𝐘𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅. ( eleventh brother verse ) #𓇻 〵 𝐈 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐈'𝐃 𝐁𝐄 𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐈𝐄𝐑 𝐁𝐘 𝐍𝐎𝐖. ( grand inquisitor verse ) #𓇻 〵 𝐒𝐊𝐘𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄. ( modern verse ) #𓇻 〵 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐔𝐏. 𝐓𝐑𝐘 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍. ( clone wars ; timeline set ) #do not reblog #likes are okay #— ‘ hollywood verse : 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐋𝐃'𝐒 𝐀 𝑆𝑇𝐴𝐺𝐸. #— ‘ high school verse : 𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇 𝐒𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐎𝐋 𝐈𝐍 𝐉𝐀𝐊𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐀 - 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐌𝐎𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐍 𝐒𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐀. #— ‘ university verse : 𝐈 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐀 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐀 𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐄 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐀 𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐄.

[clareguilty]

Top 9 Books

@pegasusdrawnchariots tagged me for this! And it was so frustrating bc i dont have access to my bookshelf to just pick what I reread the most. This took like an hour of serious deliberation LOL (also I banned myself from listing Shakespeare plays)

1. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

2. Flowers for Algernon - Daniel Keyes

3. Stardust - Neil Gaiman

4. Twilight Saga - Smeyer

5. Tuesdays with Morrie - Mitch Albom

6. Le Petit Prince - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

7. The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane - Kate DiCamillo

8. The Hobbit - Jirt

9. Coraline - Neil again

Im tagging @ivymarquis @cals-laundry @ksslr @gaeadene @a-restful-samoyed @potatoscreations @pettyprocrastination but no pressure! 💖

#tag game #top 9 books #clare screams

[adakechi]

my wife of the church of christ of latter day saints @suchagallabitch tagged me in this eons ago but i just set up my pc aaaaa

Your Name: Rin !

Your First Fandom(s): I guess it's technically Sonic The Hedgehog

How did you first get into fandom? I had a YouTube account where me and a bunch of other sonic people posted our sonic recolors and we RP'd them on deviantart

How long have you been engaging with fandom spaces? Since 4th grade so uhhh 14 years ish?

How often do you read fanfics? It depends on how deep in the sauce I'm in so rn maybe 1 or 2 a day? If they're short.

Top 3 characters from your current fandom(s): Bo-Katan, Din Djarin, The Armorer. But if we mean like Star Wars as a whole, Anakin Skywalker, Cal Kestis, and Armitage Hux. For Degrassi atm it's Campbell Saunders, Miles Hollingsworth III, and Maya Matlin.

Have you ever written a fic for a fandom? unfortunately

Have you ever drawn fanart for a fandom? if so, shout it out! I-I um uh um I draw a lot, all the time so.

Share a personal headcanon that you feel very strongly about: Din Djarin is a sex god i have no idea why this entire fandom thinks he's a virgin; this does not include ace!din but in fics where he is sex posi WHY IS HE ALWAYS A VIRGIN??? MANS EXCRETES SEX. HE IS A DOM. DIN DJARIN PLEASE RAIL ME.

You're trying to convince a friend to get into your current fandom(s) with you. what episode, clip, or scene are you showing them? I would never willingly put someone through Degrassi, but if I want people to like Star Wars I just say watch the OG trilogy, ignore the fanbase, and go from there lol.

And finally, what does fandom mean to you? Exhausting but I've met some cool people so it's pretty worth it

Tag #2

name: rinrin

age: 24

Where in the world are you? Illinois

The meaning behind your UR: tohru adachi + goro akechi = adakechi. campbellssaunders feels self explanatory.

Your second favourite color: teal blue i guess

any pets? well my cat of 16 years george died a few weeks ago and as they say, a bitch is "going thru it rn", but ive still got my bearded dragon akechi.

favourite season? Winter or Fall. So cold. Love.

Last thing you read: I'm reading the third book in the raven cycle series.

Last song you listened to: style - taylor swift (lol)

What are you wearing right now? an ASU tank top and a pair of Jay's shorts bc I do not have my own atm lol

A hobby of yours: art, playing music, rock climbing, hiking, biking, fighting games, writing (sometimes), horror stuff

and finally, what are you up to today? answering mails, applying for jobs, and sweating to death

As always, do these if u want!

#tags #rinposting

[risingnovas]

hi,

i'm leaving this tumblr account.

i feel like i can't control my social media usage so i'm just quitting cold turkey.

i've been thinking about the future i want for myself and i've realized that social media isn't there. i want to prioritize real interpersonal relationships (not to say that can't be achieved through social media, it's just that for me, it makes me waste hours of my time for scraps of interaction instead of actually talking to someone. i'm an awful texter lol) and to live my life instead of waiting to go to my room where i feel safe if i ignore the growing feeling of dread inside me.

i'll be following the advice of the book digital minimalism by cal newport and quit for a month. after that, i plan to make a new tumblr account following only people whose blog gives me food for thought, because i consider tumblr a powerful tool in that aspect.

i stayed around for the saint valentines activity because i thought i wanted to talk to more people but, being realistic, it was just an excuse to stay in here for 3+ hours a day without feeling guilty. do ask me for my discord if you want to talk to me!!! i'll stay around until the 20th of this month.

it is my intention to come back and link my new account, but i can't know what will happen the next month or if i will change my mind.

lastly, if anyone related to this i recommend them to read digital minimalism!!! it has very interesting ideas and it says everything i could say in here to motivate you but better.

best of luck to everyone with their studies!!!

[thelittlestspider]

1, 9, 18, 19, and 34

1. How many books did you read this year?

a lot. like a Lot. i can't even remember the amount of books i've read this year.

9. A book that was better than you expected it to be

jurassic park - idk why but for some reason i thought this book was going to be really boring. i guess maybe because i didn't think it would live up to the movie? but i actually liked it better than the movie.

i literally sat there breathlessly flipping through the pages to find out what happened next, because i was so invested. it does start off a little slow and the writing is a little awkward sometimes, but the plot was so engrossing i didn't even care.

18. Least favourite books of the year

- the seduction of water by carol goodman

- the twisted ones by t. kingfisher

- the hollow places by t. kingfisher

19. Best non-fiction book(s) you read this year

i don't think i have one for this year, because i put aside a ton of nonfiction books to read later and haven't got to them yet. but i can tell you some of the ones i'm looking forward to reading eventually:

- yours cruelly, elvira by cassandra peterson

- horror stories by liz phair

- entangled life by merlin sheldrake

- dark archives by megan rosenbloom

- funeral festivals in america by jacqueline s. thursby

- traditions in death and burial by helen frisby

- afterlives of the saints by colin dickey

- cemetery stories by katherine ramsland

- underland: a deep time journey by robert macfarlane

- islands of abandonment by cal flyn

- mr. humble and dr. butcher by brandy schillace

- subject to reality by shilyh warren

- just mercy by bryan stevenson

(sorry this is so long. my nonfiction tbr list is insane. plus i keep getting distracted by fiction books lol.)

34. What’s a book you’ve recommended the most this year?

probably The Weight of Blood. it's really good.

#zombiesun #kimi replies #kimi reads #i have so many books in my library i haven't read yet #my interests are always changing

[motownfiction]

nephew

Steph knows that Cal isn’t exactly her nephew, but she feels obligated to him, anyway.

The way she sees it, he could have been her nephew. She hesitates to say he should have been, seeing she doesn’t want to think about a world where she doesn’t end up with Katie Sheehan, but even Katie would get it. If Steph had ended up with Sam, then Charlie’s kids would have been her niece and nephew. But Cordelia and Cal are Judy and Jenny’s cousins, and that has to be a little bit the same.

Plus, when your dad sucks as much as Cal’s does, you need all the help you can get.

Charlie and Carrie bring the kids back to Michigan every summer. Maggie and Mike haven’t lived there for about fifteen years – they moved to Florida about a year after Sam died – but they still come back. It’s like Charlie’s on a warpath or something. Maybe looking for passive forgiveness. They stay in hotels, and no one sees them except for Andie, who has suddenly developed the patience of a saint, and Steph, who wants her kids to have a family as big as it can get.

She also wants Cal to know that she’s there for him. You know. If he ever needs to talk to somebody who really knew his uncle.

This year, Steph takes the girls and meets Charlie, Carrie, and Cal at a restaurant in Ann Arbor. Cal’s thirteen, and he’s not interested in much but TikTok and listening to Post Malone on his phone. Steph’s heard this song before. She makes it a point to listen to all the new music (because Sam can’t). Over soft pretzels and Coca-Colas, Steph nudges her would-have-been nephew in the arm.

“Hey,” she says. “Is that ‘Better Now?’”

Cal nods.

“Cool,” Steph says. “You know, that song reminds me a little of this song by The Byrds. It’s called ‘I’ll Feel a Whole Lot Better.’”

Cal scrunches up his face.

“When’s that from?” he asks.

“1965,” Steph says. “A couple years before I was born. Sam went through a phase where he really liked The Byrds, so I heard that song a lot.”

Cal nods, like he’s really considering it.

“You think he would’ve liked Post?”

Steph nods.

“I think he would have liked a lot of the stuff you do,” she says. “It was hard to find a song that Sam didn’t like. I mean, the only one I can think of off the top of my head was ‘Kokomo,’ but no one likes that song. Even fewer people like the movie it’s from.”

“You mean something with the Muppets?”

Steph laughs.

“Sort of,” she says. “It depends on whether you consider Tom Cruise a Muppet.”

Cal nods, a little too seriously. Steph kind of loves it. Judy is twelve now, and she loves when she can see her wheels really turning. Apparently, it’s something she loves in all kids. She just didn’t know.

“My dad doesn’t like Post,” he says. “He doesn’t like really anything I listen to.”

Steph sighs. She catches a glimpse of Charlie out of the corner of her eye, and her heart sinks. He’s just sitting there, blowing bubbles in his Coke in a futile attempt to make Jenny laugh. But Steph almost hates him. She probably should hate him. It’s just that she can’t stop hating herself. Sometimes, she doesn’t know how she makes it through these lunches … how she sits there across from Carrie when they both know about Steph and Charlie in that motel room fifteen years ago, on Christmas … when they both know there could be another child at this table, between them. They are not a family, but they could have been. Maybe they should have been.

But for now, Steph will go on pretending Cal is her real nephew.

“Your dad needs to get with it,” she says. “Tell him I said Sam would have liked all your stuff.”

Cal almost smiles. Sort of.

And that’s enough.

(part of @nosebleedclub july challenge -- day xiii! yes, this is a valiant and perhaps futile effort, lol)

#drabble #writeblr #ch: steph armstrong #ch: cal doyle #year: 2019

[riverstardis]

something to live for:

dylan being confused as to why zoe and max want to keep their relationship a secret because “a lot of people meet their partners at work” yeah he was never gonna have an issue with rash and paige was he wbk lmao

OH connie’s new rotas for the junior doctors. they are not impressed lmao cal going “shouldn’t these come down from HR” and ethan going “it’s just these are a lot of extra hours, we’d spend most of our working lives recovering in the on call room”

connie defending it be saying the hours are well within EU law… if you have to say that to defend it it’s probably a bad sign💀💀 and rita’s face when she says that sjskdkfkf

lily’s fine with it though of course. for now

rita going “a sweatshop would blush at those shifts” and dylan going “it’s doable though isn’t it, if they want to be the best they can be”

cal: “sounds good to me” ethan: “sorry is this one of the 7 signs of the imminent apocalypse or something?” LMAO

ahh alfred maxwell. the start of connie’s murderer era skskdkfk

lily: “i was supposed to be visiting my parents this weekend, their wedding anniversary, dad is gonna be furious” ethan: (sarcastic) “well i have a big fat gaping hole in my diary this weekend that mrs beauchamp has now helpfully filled. wahoo!” cal: “and the funny thing is he’s actually being serious” lily: “why wouldn’t he be serious?” lily being autistic❤️❤️

ethan: “on the plus side, caleb, she has built in study time” cal: “oh you’ve gotta love saint connie for that haven’t you” ethan: “sorry why did you tell her you were happy about it?” cal: “well i’m not obviously, i’m just picking my moment”

and then connie comes in and ethan’s like “well there’s no time like the present i say. what, you’re not chicken are you?” and makes chicken noises until cal goes and speaks to her sjskdkdrk

ethan and lily watching him through those shelf things and laughing at him skskdkfk i miss their duo so much

“you can’t actually be expecting us to work those hours, they’re crippling. we’re gonna be exhausted” “well then i suggest, dr knight, that you shock us all and use your bed for sleeping” AHAHAHA GET HIM

ethan and lily clapping mockingly I MISS THEMMMM

lmaoo zoe and max going to their secret room but lily’s in there studying sjskdkf

dixie and iain getting in this caravan hanging off the edge of a cliff reminds me of the christmas special last year

ethan treating a patient named george lol

alfred tricking his carer into giving him a possibly fatally high concentration of oxygen😬

dylan’s on max’s side about telling people because “anything that stops him from staying on my boat, and finishing my crosswords” sjskdkfkfk i love him

lmaoo max left a crossword book in dylan’s locker and zoe’s like “that looks like a peace offering” but he’s already done the first one sjskdkdkf

cal: “right, pub.” ethan: “er, no? new rotas?” cal: “look, i’m telling you she cannot do this to us. there needs to be some sort of formal consultation or… look, you guys are not putting up with this alright?” lily: “yes we’re here to learn” ethan: “we probably do need to pull our socks up and mrs beauchamp does write our references” cal: “well, all work and no play makes cal, well, into you guys basically” I MISS THE TRIO

ethan saying connie writes their references is funny bc she ended up personally training him for the consultant role

zoe and max kissing in front of everyone🥺🥺 and connie smiling to herself🥺

#love this ep purely for the ethan cal lily content i miss this trio so much #classic casualty #something to live for #bbc casualty #casualty

[hedonist-aesthete]

Local Tilaari Prince Does His Best To Annoy Local Beleaguered Ship Captain, Discovers Captain Occasionally Has The Patience Of A Saint

#calderon lynch #sketch #andromeda six #the patience of a saint not that he is a saint #lol saint cal #oc: adaon #he would annoy heilyn so much and i love that for him #it's always fun to make your ocs opposites #a6 traveler #alternate title: he finally got the attention he wanted and now wants more #04:14

[darling-i-read-it]

HCs for watching Euphoria with Father Paul

John Pruitt (Father Paul) x fem!reader

Warnings: euphoria spoilers! All the stuff that happens in euphoria, stat rape and drugs and nudity

Requested: by anon, ok so ever since i sent that ask i’ve been thinking about this so i was wondering if you could do watching euphoria with father paul hcs plz ? lol i just think it’d be really funny and i can’t stop thinking about it🤭

I don’t own these characters. They belong to author/director/creator

Author’s Note: This cracks me up like he would be so attacked I hope you enjoy

- the concept of this is so funny to me

- First off, I don’t picture Father Paul watching television ever like does he have a tv in his little house? Do he and Beverly talk about the newest episode of Saints Angel or something like that?

- (that's not a real show i made that up)

- so you have got to be the one to ask him to watch tv with you

- maybe you have kinda tv nights where you binge a couple episodes of the shows you’ve been watching

- I think he suggests watching Euphoria because some kids at mass talk about it all the time and he wants to understand the kids these days

- you have never seen it so you just .. kinda go along with it

- it’s not that you didn’t know what was going on the show you just chose to pretend you were going in blind for his sake

- he’s so appalled there’s so much going on at all times

- ‘These children are naked an awful lot’ he whispered, facing pointedly at you so you could alert him when the sex scenes/nude scenes are over

- ‘Do the children really do this many drugs? I thought it was just pot!’

- first off, hearing him talk about pot is so funny because it sounds so immensely forgien coming out of his mouth

- second off, you then have to explain it’s more kids that don’t live on an island

- ‘Why do they keep getting naked?! Why is there so much nudity?! I’ve never seen so many pienses in my life!’

- he is so attacked. He’s so attacked

- ‘Is this what your high school was like?’ he asked you worriedly

- you don’t have the heart to tell him about your high school experiences in fear he has a heart attack

- the prospect of a man paying an underage woman for sex ….

- you’ve almost never seen him so angry. He would have fought cal had he gotten the chance

- (so cal if you ever see paul on the street walk the other way I don’t know what to tell you)

- ‘THESE CHILDREN ARE DOING THINGS ON THE INTERNET?!’

- the next mass is almost all about internet safety and how you should never reveal your ‘private parts’ to anyone you do not love intensely

- gets rid of the free wifi in the church

- almost gets rid of it in his house

- literally all of the backstories bring him to near tears

- ‘They’ve been through so much. That doesn’t mean they should do all these things but…they’ve been through so much’

- he’s a very emotive man

- he gets aggressively protective of you afterwards as though you’re a teen in high school?

- season 2 comes with a whole different set of challenges

- ‘No road is that fast Nathaniel’

- ‘I can’t believe she’s done this to Maddy. They’re best friends.’

- ‘Jules is getting very angry over something that hasn’t happened yet’

- ‘Do you just want people to find out about Rue? Because I do.’

- is invested!

- gets ready every night now that he’s invested but he truthfully couldn’t watch the first season very quickly, it was so much he almost had to drop it all together

- he’s also team Lexi cause he thinks writing is a fantastic hobby

Midnight Mass Tag List: @sterwild

#father paul x reader #father paul imagines #john pruitt x reader

[holdmecloser-gandydancer]

Okay okay okay

Hear me out

41. you know what, maybe they ARE tired of being nice. maybe they DO wanna go apeshit. And Davenport lol

He should be able to go a little apeshit, as a treat :)

He does deserve to go apeshit!!! From this prompt list! (still accepting!!)

Working in academia for a while tends to earn you a reputation. You could be known as the hard ass, the professor who’s little more than a brick wall that reads off of powerpoint slides, the professor who’s entirely too willing to spill every single detail on why their marriage failed, or even the professor who is abysmally unhelpful to anyone not interested in their research. Through no active attempts of his own, Dr. Davenport has earned the reputation of having the patience of a saint. Even students who’ve never had a class with him, who would have no reason to have a class with him, sing his praises; Rockport University’s a small campus, word gets around.

Davenport never intended to be put upon a pedestal like that, he was just doing his job and doing what he could for his students. He wasn’t one to balk at an assignment turned in a day late, wouldn’t demand a litany of excuses and documentation for a missed class, just an email to let him know the student was doing okay. He was notorious for bringing in snacks on midterm and final days. If his lectures bordered on dry, students never faulted him too much. “He just drones on after a while,” some of his online reviews would begin, “but at least he seems into what he’s teaching.” Holistically, Davenport was one hell of a professor.

But everyone has their limits.

Usually as math department chair, Davenport was able to dodge teaching introductory courses for students who didn’t want to be there and for students who absolutely didn’t belong there. (Even the best professor couldn’t help but occasionally dash the med school hopes of students who failed cal 1). This year though, the department was facing a number of staffing issues which is how he found himself leading a class of non math majors into the fray of finite math. A finite math class that met Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 8 am. What could go wrong?

Besides about half the class choosing absenteeism over attendance, the class had gone well for much of the semester. Test grades were decent, the students who did show up usually did their best to not be obviously on their phones the entire time, and none of his dry erase markers had gone missing. Truthfully, Davenport couldn’t complain too much.

--

Davenport shuffled into the classroom and kicked snow off his boots, unwinding his scarf as he did. “Sorry I’m a little late, folks. Spilled coffee all over some books from the library so please please please do not tell Mrs. Istus at circulation about that, I’m hoping she won’t notice. Also, car door was quite literally frozen shut this morning so that was a whole other debacle to deal with. But I’m here, you’re here, it’s Friday, let’s rock and roll through some probability, maybe some introductory stats stuff too.” He stacked his cold weather gear onto the chair before looking out at the blank faces of his students. Great start. He glanced at his outline for a moment before pacing to the center of the classroom. “I always like starting off with independent events, I think they’re useful and can even be fun at parties if you’ve got that one friend who always says ‘now what are the odds of that?’ because now you can let them know!” He laughed a little to himself before walking towards the whiteboard. Looking around the room, he pointed at the twins slouching in the middle row. “Let’s say Taako and Lup over there are getting their nerd on and are playing Dungeons and Dragons later tonight.” Lup blinked heavily and nodded absently while Taako snorted, attempting to hide the fact that he was absolutely checking Twitter instead of listening. “And let’s say they’re both just rolling like crap. They’re trying to kill some evil wizard or something and both whiff it, bad. What are the odds that, using a twenty-sided die, they both roll a natural one?”

Fifteen blank faces stared back at him. He looked around the room, trying to catch the eye of any of his students; they were all pointedly avoiding eye contact, hoping to skirt any attention. Davenport hesitated. He hated cold calling but sometimes he had no other choice.

“Magnus?”

Magnus Burnsides jerked his head up from his hand where it was previously propped up for the world’s least comfortable nap. “Yeah?”

“What are the odds that Taako and Lup both roll a one on a twenty-sided die?”

He scratched his sideburns thoughtfully, genuinely contemplating the question. “Uh, one in ten, right?”

Davenport’s smile wavered for a moment. “Not quite! Let’s try someone else. Sloane? Any ideas?” Davenport looked at her expectantly.

Sloane blinked and stared at him for a moment before shaking her head. “One in twenty?”

Davenport grimaced a little. “Okay, let’s take it back a step. Who can tell me what the textbook called independent events?” He looked out into the room and saw fifteen scalps; everyone had upped their avoidance tactics. “Taako?”

Taako set his phone down in surprise and sent Davenport a tight smile. “Hmm?”

“Did you catch my question?”

“See, I want to say yes because I feel like you’ll be disappointed if I say no. But no.”

He nodded tiredly. “I appreciate the honesty. Avi? Remember what the book said about independent events?”

Avi shook his head slowly as he smiled apologetically.

Davenport took a deep breath and clasped his hands together. “Okay, did anyone actually do the reading?” Once again, fifteen pairs of eyes declined to meet his. Davenport could feel his blood pressure rising by the minute. “Folks, I really don’t think I ask for a lot. I know most you really don’t care about this class and that’s your business. But you have got to help me help you. You know, I-I really don’t love having my inbox flooded with questions that are answered in the first two pages of the chapter we’re on. But that happens every time an assignment goes out. You’re all smart but you’re not acting like it. And frankly, I don’t know how much more I can take! Those of you that actually come to class spend most of your time daydreaming or checking your socials or just outright sleeping and I’m a little sick of it!”

All his students looked around at each other, saying nothing. Nobody had ever seen Davenport get flustered. Truthfully, nobody had thought it possible.

“And listen, I know nobody wants to spend their time reading a math textbook but I really don’t wanna spend my time trying to get some very basic concepts through your skulls when we could be spending our time more wisely. I know damn well I’m going to stand up here and explain the lesson for today, assign some problems, and get no fewer than ten emails I’ll have to attend to. My differential equations class has been waiting for test grades for three weeks because I’ve been having to spoon-feed this class APR! I’m not trying to be a dick this morning but you’ve got to give me something. You’ve gotta start doing your readings, give me a little bit of feedback in class, and stay off your damn phones. You think you can handle that?” Davenport was a little red in the face. He hated having to go on a tirade sometimes the situation called for it.

The class nodded mutely. Davenport smiled warmly at them. “Okay great. I’m sorry about that, I really am but I do hope you all understand where I’m—”

He was cut off by perhaps the single loudest rendition of the chorus of “Call Me Maybe” coming from a phone in the classroom. Ever head in the room turned to look at Kravitz, who was frantically trying to shut his phone off. He looked back at Davenport sheepishly. “Sorry, I thought it was on silent.”

Davenport silently walked back to the chair where he had stacked his winter gear and started bundling back up. “Uh, happy Friday, everyone. Go home or go somewhere else, I think we’ve all had enough today.”

#taz #taz balance #tazb #the adventure zone #davenport #taz davenport #taz au #like i could tag everyone else mentioned but it feels disingenuous. this is a dav fic ksldfjsld #thank you!! #this uh. this is totally Not Based On Real Events #i think more mild mannered profs should go apeshit #reese writes #also don't come for me for any math corrections i never took finite #i was a stats bitch #tentatively positive 3 #prompt fill

[littleoldrachel]

i am burned out (i smell of smoke)

okay, look. I wasn’t gonna post this until it was FINISHED because i am trying to learn to actually finish my wips. but. the world is sorta falling apart and i hope that maybe i can help even one person feel temporarily less anxious about it all. 

i wrote this for @gumnut-logic‘s birthday and am now over a month late, so! good! (so sorry nutty, you’re so incredible at blessing us with your words, i just wanted to do something nice for you since you’re so so good to us)

my love for virgil tracy + my silent lurking in this fandom have brought this about. i never thought i’d be writing thunderbirds fanfiction and yet. here we are (my father would be so disappointed in me).

this is my first time writing these characters, as will become painfully clear. pls be nice to me, i am fragile lol. i am horribly aware that my virg is probably too ‘floppy’ as per your post, nutty, so sorry in advance! this is me whumping your boy emotionally and mentally, but i’m gonna fix him, i swear! there are five parts (i have written the first three). 

virgil is always written as being very good at taking care of his mental health, and it occurred to me that some of the best people at this have had to learn to be that way, and so I guess this is an exploration of that? anyway, have some virgil aggressively loving his family. 

brains isn’t in this and kayo isn’t much either sorryyy. oh my GOd shut up, here you go:

i am burned out (i smell of smoke) [on ao3]

summary: in which virgil falls apart, learns how to put himself back together, and realises he doesn't have to do it alone.

word count: 2.8k ish (part 1/5)

warnings: mental health issues

timeline: i suppose this is set in early TAG verse?  jeff is missing and nobody is Coping Well.

happy belated birthday, nutty!! <3

i.

He isn’t quite sure where it began. Somewhere between three back-to-back rescues, pulling a child’s body from thick, black mud, and failing to reach the scientist before smoke ravaged her lungs, a weight settles in his chest that none of his usual coping mechanisms can shift. 

To say it’s been a hard week would be an understatement, but then again, they’ve had hard weeks before. Any time a rescue mission turns into a recovery mission, they all feel it - how can they not? - but this time, this time is different. 

Perhaps it was seeing the kid’s mother break down completely at the sight of such a small corpse. Perhaps it was the abuse hurled at him and his brothers by the scientist’s girlfriend for failing to rescue her soulmate in time. Perhaps it was sheer exhaustion and pain, perhaps it was feeling ribs break under the force of his CPR efforts, perhaps it was knowing that in spite of it all, it wasn’t enough. 

It’s like he can’t quite draw a full breath. Like his throat has half-closed and tears are creeping at the back of his eyes, but neither is willing to break the damn. It’s the heaviest kind of emptiness he’s ever known. 

And so Virgil forces it away - or if not away, then at least to one side - whilst he takes care of brothers who need to talk about the horrors they have just witnessed and the fresh guilt they now bear. He’ll take care of himself later (probably) and then he’ll finally be able to shift that god-awful weight on his lungs. It’s fine. 

*

Alan is easy enough to handle; Virgil’s pedestal will never be as high as Scott’s or John’s but he’s still Alan’s big brother, and Alan feeds on reassurance and praise. Virgil knows that both Scott and John will be in later to check on their youngest too, but for now, Alan needs him. 

“You did well today, kiddo,” Virgil says, leaning against the doorframe to Alan’s suite. His littlest brother is lying flat on his back staring up at the ceiling. 

Alan blinks slowly, twists to meet his eyes. Overly-bright cornflower blues meet steady browns and Virgil catches the tremble of Alan’s lower lip with an aching heart. 

“You did, Allie.” Virgil strides across the room and has Alan scooped into a hug within seconds. “All those people are gonna wake up tomorrow because of you.”

“It doesn’t feel like enough, Virg,” whispers Alan. “So many people didn’t make it.” 

“I know.”

(The weight on his chest and struggle to breathe will never let him forget it). 

Alan sighs, rests his head on his brother’s broad chest. “I just - I keep remembering her face. When she realised I couldn’t save her. I close my eyes and she’s just - there.” He closes his eyes and digs the heels of his palms into them.

He’s so young. It’s not the first time that Virgil has had doubts about forcing this responsibility on a teenager, but it is the first time Alan’s watched someone die in his arms and none of Virgil’s carefully crafted words will change that. Especially not now, whilst the pain is raw and jagged and demanding to be felt - no, Virgil and his brothers will be helping him to untangle this over the next few weeks.

“Wanna play something?” he asks instead. 

The response is less enthusiastic than usual, but soon Alan has a fragile smile on his lips as he thrashes Virgil’s Princess Peach with Waluigi (and so what if Virgil deliberately chooses the tracks he knows he’s shit at just to make Alan chuckle when he falls off Rainbow Road again?). 

*

His water-loving brother won’t be so easy (though of course, there’s nothing easy about watching someone so young trying to carry the weight of the world). Still, Gordon is at least predictable in his frustrated misery and rolls his eyes as he sees Virgil coming towards the pool with a towel in hand. 

“I’m not in the mood, Virg,” he calls, before hurling himself underwater and sinking to the bottom of the pool. 

It’s Virgil’s turn to roll his eyes, but he kicks off his shoes, sits on the poolside and dangles bare feet into the water, waiting. When Gordon finally emerges from the water, annoyance flickers across his face at the sight of his waiting brother, and he turns, kicking away from Virgil with a powerful breaststroke. 

Virgil waits until Gordon’s swum four lengths before speaking. “How are you doing?”

Gordon’s perfect rhythm barely falters as he grabs his brother’s leg and yanks, pulling Virgil into the pool and immediately swimming away. Virgil shakes the water from his hair, internally cursing his stubborn-ass younger brother and treads water until Gordon reaches his end of the pool again. 

“How many lengths is that?”

Gordon ignores him, switching fluidly into butterfly stroke and splashing away from him once more. 

Virgil can’t help but sigh; his limbs are aching and his chest is heavy and he wants nothing more than to curl up in bed. But his younger brother is hurting - emotionally, sure, judging by the way he’s slicing through the water like it’s done him wrong, but physically too if the minute winces are anything to go by. (And Virgil can’t stand it). 

The next time Gordon comes by, Virgil is ready. He seizes his brother around the middle, and bodily drags him to the edge of the pool. He doesn’t often use his size and strength against his brothers, but this time calls for it. Once out of the water, the fight goes out of Gordon, and he staggers, murmuring “ow, ow, ow, ow.”

“Come here, you idiot.” Virgil pulls Gordon into a shady spot by the loungers, and begins helping Gordon stretch out overworked muscles. Gordon hisses as Virgil presses down on his calf muscle. “Sorry, Gordo.”

“S’okay.” Gordon glares up at the sky. “Just stupid cramp.”

Rolling his eyes, Virgil shakes his head. “Yeah, that or the fact you’re reliving your Olympic training after having been up for forty-eight hours straight.”

“You know if you keep doing that, your face will get stuck.”

Virgil pulls a hideous face, then grins in response to Gordon’s laugh. It feels good to smile, it shifts the weight on his lungs the tiniest bit. 

“Flip over and I’ll do your back.”

“Virgil Tracy, you’re a goddamn saint,” Gordon declares, obediently flopping onto his stomach. 

There’s a pause whilst Virgil runs expert hands over the rock-like knots in Gordon’s back and Gordon melts into the mattress. When Virgil next speaks, his voice is gentle even as his hands dig in: “You know that punishing yourself isn’t going to bring them back.”

Gordon tenses then sighs. “Damnit, Virg. Can’t a guy get a massage without psychoanalysis?”

But his voice is a great deal lighter than it would have been even half an hour before.

*

His wrists are aching by the time he drags himself out to the cliff edge where Kayo likes to perch. 

His brothers have different uses for this particular stretch of rock: Scott likes to end his morning runs here by stretching in the breeze off the waters. For John, it’s a spectacular place to stargaze, not least because it’s so very quiet and dark up here. Gordon can often be found diving off these rocks, cheered on by Alan, much to the constant stress of their oldest brother, who attributes more than seventy percent of his grey hairs to this cause. 

For Kayo, it’s a watchpost. Her stormy eyes skim the horizon for non-existent threats, calculating, calm, controlled. And after a bad rescue (or three), she sits and waits for hours at a time, gazing into choppy waves and brilliant sunsets with the loneliest eyes Virgil has ever seen. He’s supposed to sit with Kayo in silence until she tells him what she needs from him, be it a hug, his presence, or just distance. 

This time, she makes it clear the moment he pads towards her, fading into the rocks like she was never even there. Distance, then.

*

John is possibly the hardest to handle of all his siblings, purely because he’s the hardest to get a hold of. John knows Virgil’s antics only too well, knows that a meaningful conversation about how he feels is coming, and has therefore made himself scarce. 

 Virgil sighs as John misses (read: rejects) his third call in a row. Two can play at that game, Jonny.

Instead, he dials straight through to EOS. 

She answers him immediately, as usual. “Virgil. I have been anticipating your call.”

“You have?”

“You have all had unsuccessful missions. You always call after missions with a body count.”

Virgil swallows, fresh guilt rising in his throat, and forces it back down. 

“Please can you put me through to John, EOS?”

“Of course, Virgil.”

Silence for a second, and then John’s hologram appears. His red-headed brother is studiously avoiding eye contact, hands darting over controls in an anxious pattern.

“This isn’t a good time, Virgil, I’m busy rerouting some calls to local emergency services, and-”

“John.”

“-and there’s a call from Tehran that really needs me, so if that’s all-”

“John.”

Silence. 

“How long since you last ate?” 

John’s eyes meet Virgil’s and he looks away at once. “Uh… this morning?”

“Negative,” EOS chimes in, “last intake was twenty-six hours ago.”

John’s jaw clenches. “Thanks, EOS.”

“John, you need to eat.”

“Smother Brother.”

“I’m serious.”

EOS pipes up again, “John also needs to rest. He has been operating for twice the recommended period of time.” 

John glowers, but says nothing.

“Don’t make me set Scott on you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

Virgil raises his eyebrows and John sighs loudly in frustration. “I will. I will. I just - thinking about food makes me feel nauseous. Like…” He swallows, looks away. “Like I’m eating mud.”

The sharp hurt in Virgil’s heart twinges violently and he wishes more than anything he could wrap John up in a bearhug and stop the world from hurting him. “What if I’m here whilst you try?” he asks softly.

Another sigh. “Fine. But only if you eat something too,” John says. “Don’t think I didn’t notice that your stomach was growling even louder than Two’s engines on the way home.”

“Smother Brother,” Virgil’s voice is hopelessly fond, even as he goes to make a sandwich that he can’t face eating (which for him, is a bad sign - he who has forced down Grandma’s inedible chilli through sheer willpower and love). The bread is hard and tasteless, the filling bitter. He chokes down a half slice, focusing instead on the fact that his younger brother is carefully chewing at his toasted bagel, eyelids heavy. Eventually, John’s shoulders slump, and his head lolls back into slumber.

His work here is done. 

Well, almost -

“Hey, EOS?”

“Yes, Virgil?” 

“Can you put that playlist I made him on a loop?”

“Of course, Virgil. Venus Bringer of Peace is now playing.”

There. 

*

His oldest brother is hurting. Virgil doesn’t need ESPN or whatever freaky connection Gordon and Alan accuse them of having to know that. 

There was a death toll, and therefore Scott will be hurting. Every life lost becomes a personal fault for the man, and nothing Virgil says or does will change that. They have this argument every two or three weeks, increasingly frequently as the months since their father’s disappearance have ticked into years. And he’s so very tired of rehashing the same words over again and again, he’s so tired of being utterly powerless against his brother’s borderline suicidal recklessness, he’s so tired of his uselessness in convincing Scott to stop treating his life like some replaceable trinket.

(So very, very tired).

And yet, Virgil stands in the doorway to his father’s office, bracing himself for yet another battle with his older brother.

Because taking care of the idealistic, brash, self-flagellating workaholic is what he does best - especially when said idealistic, brash, self-flagellating workaholic least wants it.

Scott is hunched over the desk, poring over debriefs with an almost-empty glass of something amber in his left hand. Virgil makes a mental note to re-encrypt the code to the drinks cabinet - Scott had cracked it far too quickly last time, but he doesn’t stand a chance against John…

“Hey, Scott,” he finally enters the room, but his brother doesn’t even spare him a glance. Virgil takes the seat opposite him - the one he used to sit in as his father waxed lyrical about his dream of an elite rescue organisation (it hurts) - and waits. 

After five or so minutes, Scott looks up blearily, blinking in surprise. “Virg? What are you - when did you-”

“It’s gone midnight, Scott. We agreed you wouldn’t do this anymore.”

A muscle in Scott’s jaw twitches. He’s wound tight from alcohol and stress, and it hurts Virgil to see it.  “I have to get this done.”

“Not at one am, you don’t.”

“Don’t start, Virg, you know debriefs are essential - you know I have to - to -”

“To what?” 

“What?”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you have to get done? What’s so important that it can’t wait till you’ve at least slept?”

Scott breaks - quicker than usual (thank you, whiskey) which is a relief, because Virgil’s energy is down to its last droplets; hell, it’ll be a miracle if he even makes it to his room after this. 

“To figure out where we fucked up! To explain to the fire services that we did fuck-all for their rescue efforts! To figure out why I wasn’t fast enough to get to those children! I have to - to know,” he flings himself to his feet and begins pacing. “Fifty-four people died today, that’s fifty-four lives we should have saved, and I have to know why we failed so it never happens again.” He slams both hands down on the table, scattering papers to the floor. His eyes are wild and slightly bloodshot, and Virgil’s heart aches for the pain in those cerulean blues. 

The fight leaves Virgil’s spirit, because for once, he’s having a hard time reconciling his own failings with the number of bodies he’s pulled from mud and rock today. Usually, he is the first to reassure his brothers that they did all they could. But on a day like today, with the weight of whatever-it-is on his chest, it’s just not good enough. 

But that doesn’t mean he’s going to leave Scott alone in his pain. 

“What can I do?” Virgil asks quietly, and Scott stares at him. 

A pause. “Just - just be here,” Scott allows at last, sinking back into his chair. 

“Always,” Virgil says, and he means it, even through the fog of this exhausted, low, heavy feeling. 

“You okay?” Scott says, looking him over with a frown, and Virgil curses internally, because of course, Scott notices what none of his other siblings have. 

“As much as any of us are right now,” Virgil answers, as honestly as he can. Scott clearly doesn’t quite believe him, because he keeps shooting Virgil surreptitious glances laden with concern, but he lets it go. Perhaps he too lacks the energy to fight him on this. 

(It’s not enough and Virgil knows it. It’s not enough to stop his brother from working himself into an early grave and it’s not enough to blame poor construction work for the collapse of a tower block when he should have been able to save them).

(He’s not enough). 

*

He’s exhausted. He had thought he was shattered before, but now - 

The heaviness in his chest is a gaping wide hole, and the edges are raw and ragged from trying to hold himself together. His throat closes and clogs, but the tears won’t come, even as misery wells inside of him.

He looks blankly at the piano he sometimes uses to pull himself back from edges like these - edges that plunge down, down, down into an abyss he daren’t explore. Only the tug in his chest isn’t there. The canvas on his easel remains blank, his paintbrush untouched. Hell, even the idea of a nice, hot shower has him cringing at the effort and self-care involved.

What the hell’s the matter with him? 

He can’t quite explain it, and for one usually so attuned to others’ emotions, this awful lowness is startling. Because it’s more than lowness, and it’s more than heaviness - it’s more like a complete absence of feeling, an emptiness that he doesn’t know how to name. 

Perhaps, it will shift in the morning. Perhaps, this is the consequence of pushing yourself to over-exhaustion and beyond, and then expelling what little energy remains to support your loved ones. Sleep will help, Virgil tells himself. Rest makes everything better, you will be better in the morning.

#thunderbirds are go #virgil tracy #littleoldrachel writes #not wolfstar #happy belated birthday nutty!