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fiendishartist2 · 6 months

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guess who's back :D

#my art #digital art #artists on tumblr #ace attorney #klapollo #apollo justice #klavier gavin #KLAPOLLO!!!!!!!!#i missed them so much ToT my besties.....#i had a lot of fun adding colour overlays and little rendering things #if you couldnt tell lol #my stomach hurts but im being so brave about it rn. worst part is that i took a tylenol like 4 hours ago and it barely did anything -_-#at least i got my most urgent work done so i can chill while i feel like an animal escapes from my stomach

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sysig · 3 months

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Ah, childhood memories (Patreon)

#Doodles #UT #Handplates #Sans #Gaster #Having such clear external-view memories of what happened when they were young would probably give Sans a lot of ammunition lol #Not that they'd know any different - their poor memories honestly :( - but having such clear memories in places would have to be weird #Most people have childhood amnesia to an extent! Tho it's hard to say when that would've applied to them anyway with their sped-up growth #Not to mention the trauma #And it's possible that doesn't apply to Monsters to begin with lol - but it's all a moot point anyway since these are their only memories!#It's sad to think of how much of themselves are missing forever since Gaster didn't experience them :(#This is what happens when you get behind on your work >:0 #I really wonder what their lack of memories/restoration of memories would do for their like/dislike of certain things!#Like how Papyrus says that sitting with Sans in his lap makes a lot of sense as to why it was so familiar and comforting #But also that knowing makes it sad as well :( Knowing recolours their understanding and interpretation!#Knowing Why makes things make sense but does it actually Help? It's a tough question - certainly it hurts in the moment #The little things Gaster has infected for them and for himself ♥ Like taking notes! Like chess and sweets and spaghetti and lab coats #And dark sweaters and cigarette smoke and hugs and intelligence - how many pieces of all of them have A Feeling attached #How many more have A Memory - and even more than that A Memory Lost and unrecoverable ughhh ♥#But the little things they can hold on to hehe <3 Like pinging Gaster for what they all know and remember #Why does he even keep coming over if he knows the reception he'll get? Lol #Feels particularly self-loathing and goes to get bullied as penance pfft

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ride-a-dromedary · 1 month

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the darkest of nights, in truth, still dazzles.

a halsin fanmix [listen]

#BG3 Musing #BG3 Fanmix #Halsin BG3 #Halsin #Halsin Posting #my fanmix #i give up this is about as done as it will ever be - i've been talking about this enough i need to get it away from me #i could have made at least one or two other playlists with the number of songs i cut from this #there were some things that hurt me to cut but i figured others had them in their playlists so they're out there #(the impossible dream you will always be famous i am so sorry :(()#i had three goals with this 1. make it more of a timeline in that it follows a narrative order (which hopefully is easy enough to follow)#(it makes sense to me about as much as it is ever going to lol)#2. try to avoid using songs that other individuals have used in their playlists (with a handful of exceptions - i highly encourage you also #take a listen to the others around! lots of good stuff and i figured if you were missing it from this one you can find another with it)#(and if i did use one the context might be different #'closer here is being used in a different way than i usually see it - it's putting more emphasis on the 'you can have my isolation' bit use #in context of the matron and patron for example)#and 3. focus as much as possible on non-romance path elements of halsin's character - i.e. again that's a topic that is highly explored #in other fanmixes to great success - this one is about the childhood he references and the adventures and the capture in the underdark #and the shadow curse and the burying of people he loved and the uptaking of the archdruid position and the healing he did #and possibly did not do #and the radicalization he comes into when his goals are met and he's faced with injustices #and the struggle he has of redefining himself and figuring out who he is after all of it #hopefully the 'eras' are clearly defined but hey it's all gravy from here #honestly if there is one song to listen to that encapsulates halsin for me it's tapestry - highly recommend that #anyway i am blabbing - let the lyrics and such talk for themselves jemi please #but if fanmixes aren't your speed have a kinda nice edit i guess #edit: now with bonus song i just had to add after shamefully forgetting it

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hinaliix · 11 months

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So guess who finished rewatching Trigun stampede and cried the whole time ✋

#trigun #trigun stampede #vash #vash the stampede #trigun stampede spoilers #trigun stampede season 2 predictions!#so yeah I cried so much during this rewatch oh my #after reading Trimax everything hurts that much more #I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE ERIKS ARC YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA #once stampede Erik’s is here I am going to lose my godamn mind #can you tell which character is my favorite…Vash. it’s fucking Vash the stampede #god…I miss him so much already my sweet boy #just in general tristamp is so beautiful and I really can’t wait for final phase to come out #maybe I should draw season 2 wolfwood? that’d be fun I think #I drew Vash once again as my coping mechanism #what is wrong with me lol

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pussymasterdooku · 1 month

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another day another medical malpractice…the allie experience!

#this is overdramatic but miss no hands me is having a rough time #and so i was brave and called my doctor to be like Hey It’s Getting Worse…Should Something Be Done Sooner Than Next Week’s MRI?#and she was like. huh. it shouldn’t hurt. maybe you have some kind of disorder. definitely inflammation is your issue #(inflammation is not my issue. reinjury seems to be my issue but i don’t think she is hearing me when i say that)#anyway bloodwork all normal but they BLEW OUT MY FUCKING VEINNNNNN #it feels better today but eva (doesn’t drive) had to drive me home from the lab lol #anyway i also finally got and read my mri analysis from last spring and got a MUCH better idea of my initial injury. doc was SO vague #she’s a reassurer not a problem solver ig. i’ve liked her except uhhhh the part where Things Keep Getting Worse so maybe she is.#not a good doctor lol #at least i’ve been able to work through all sorts of lingering uterus trauma or whatever i guess. silver linings etc #so we deal we deal #wrist saga tag

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marrfixated · 15 days

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(More thoughts and drafting! Some weird formatting I know but it was all one block in my notes)

Emma is doing just fine. Average. It’s really not so bad.

She’s just been dealing with a lot of change. And with too many things not changing.

Which is… an odd thing to struggle with.

Because she likes hange. Daunting challenges. The unpredictable. Doing new things every day and never being scared of them. And she likes independence.

She had thought so, at least.

After the show, she had been hit in the face with just how… isolated she was. She had only had two friends before the first season, but she had left them behind. Her mother wasn’t doing the best, and she didn’t have any nearby family.

She found herself laying in her bed in the middle of the day most of the time, scrolling through her contacts and old conversations.

Or scrolling through her comments on TikTok.

A few weeks ago, she had tried some stunt involving a motorcycle and an inflatable pool. She probably wouldn’t have messed it up if her hands weren’t trembling.

(She had forgot to check the breaks, and wasn’t sure if they were working.)

(They were.)

The blood dripping down her face and the gash in her lip didn’t sting as much as it did watching the video.

She looked ridiculous, and she probably always did. It was better when she had someone else to do it with. Maybe she was losing her touch.

She didn’t post the video.

She turned back to dancing instead, which did feel less embarassing, despite the constant mocking feedback. Sure, the jokes were “funny”, but she didn’t care about any of it. She didn’t feel the rush, she wasn’t planning every day, and she wasn’t known or loved for anything.

Except for what she lost.

And, the show, to an extent.

-Ugh, she misses the show. She shouldn’t, but as stupid as it sounds, she missed doing crazy things and talking to people. Having a chance of winning. Beating everyone. Being cheered on. It wasn’t always great, but at least it was something. She misses doing something.

And she really misses Bowie. She missed Bowie, but she knows better than anyone that she can’t go back to that. They just- have better things to do now. He probably does.

He’s got Raj- which is great! And she’s happy for him! She’s happy for everyone. For Wayne, however he’s doing, for Julia, despite everything.

And Caleb. For having Priya.

Emma is jealous that Bowie gets to have someone.

Emma is jealous that everyone else gets to have someone.

Emma is jealous that, unlike everyone else, winning the show probably wouldn’t have made her any happier.

She isn’t sure what would.

#cw injury mention #(very brief)#writing her always feels weird because I like to explore things that weren’t at all touched in canon #because we only see her as angry at Chase or lighthearted and silly #but I think she’d feel sort of empty. especially with how much attention she would be used to and craving #with Chase and her millions(?) of fans #and you aren’t just angry and then happy.. like she would have a lot of guilt too #like e4s2 and when Bowie and her fought are what I’m going off of #plus she’s portrayed as a person who wants validation/social interaction/close relationships #and she doesn’t really have that #also you can’t tell me she loves TikTok and it’s so good for her mental health lol I use TikTok and nobody has ever thought that #but yeah it’s hard to analyze and elaborate on a character who’s been kind of wasted in canon #but still I think there’s so many fun ways to analyze her #original post #total drama #total drama island #total drama 2023 #total drama reboot #td spoilers #technically this is Priyemma based but I won’t tag it as such cus it isn’t obvious #I think Emma would have gotten really attached to her though.. arghhh #because Priya trusted her and supported her and liked her and she hasn’t actually had that before #and her missing Bowie… oomph it hurts #gah sorry for ranting lol but I love her #td Emma #Emma td #tdi Emma #Emma tdi #total drama emma #emma total drama

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dayurno · 27 days

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we’ve talked about nurse jean but have you ever thought about nurse kevin. have u. worlds most awkward most attentive nurse in the world. picturing him in scrubs as we speak

OF COURSE I HAVE i listen well obviously i have thought about it. first of all i am into nurse costumes with the little dresses so you can jot it down if you want, but even besides that its really cute……………. little scrubs……….. i feel like although kevin is not a nurturing person at all he would be such a good nurse, if a forceful one….. i think he would do great at telling people what to do and how to do it to get better and all things considered might even be a good nurse. plus if you hit your head really hard and ended up in a hospital and saw kevin day over you checking your vitals wouldnt you think he was an angel?

i wrote a kevjean fic once lovingly titled nurse kevin because it was about the stretch of time jean stayed in palmetto before usc where kevin kind of helped abby take care of jean’s injuries (mostly out of guilt, mostly out of a secret second reason). he was really good and diligent but not gentle at all… truly bulldozing jean back to health…. here’s a funny scene

“Don’t Kevin me, I am serious. If you hurt yourself for any reason, I will make you regret it.” He tilts Jean’s chin back, pushing the mouth of his own bottle through Jean’s lips and forcing water down. As a nurse, Kevin makes a tremendous athlete. “Drink. It’s good to get some water in you every few minutes.”

Cool water slips down his throat. A bit of it drips down the corner of Jean’s mouth, and it must soften the nasty stare he gives Kevin over the bottle. Kevin swipes it away with his thumb, squeezing Jean’s chin, and only pulls away when Jean cannot take it anymore and forcefully grips his wrist.

This is… this is babying, even for Kevin Day.

“I am not an invalid,” Jean tells him, but he is so thoroughly ignored in lieu of Kevin checking on his bandages that it doesn’t matter. “Kevin, I’m fine.”

“You’re fine when I see that you’re fine,” Kevin dismisses him. At last, he straightens up, then taps on the small of Jean’s back for him to do the same. Out of habit, and perhaps something else, Jean does as he says. “Keep your posture up. You might upset your stitches otherwise.”

SO YEAH horrible horrible nurse who does not care at all if you dont want to be healthy…… i need him. he could fix me. he did not fix jean but me for sure he would

#asks #kevin #kevjean #this fic is actually so fun 🫡 maybe ill clean it up and post it soon #i wrote it before the sunlit field was even announced though so it might just be entirely ooc #but it is very amusing at least #i know at this point neil is also hurting so theres a scene where he gets benched beside jean #that is when kevin deems jean has been holed up too much so he forces him to watch practice #and its so funny. andrew calls it the battered wife bench…..#they also have a bit of a spat both obviously they are both heavily injured so its pathetic and sad #andrew yanks neil back like hes nothing and kevin scolds jean about it for hours #ALSO this is the fic where renee shows jean fast and furious lol <3 #jean: renee ilove you so much…. dont make me watch this again #renee i love you. please stop #miss walker this is his alloted three hours of rest before his evil nurse comes back for him and youre making him watch fast and furious?#miss walker think of the children. hes miserable #three cheers for jeans evil tyrant nurse

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tinukis · 3 months

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not to get personal or anything but one piece genuinely helped me become more emotional again. sometimes i still hate being emotional, especially crying a lot but— seeing my favorite characters cry or breaking down let me cry with them and just show me it is ok to cry. ive struggled with crying for years to the point i couldnt cry At All no matter my methods

it was until marineford- or rather purposely spoiling myself about if ace is really dead bc i was in such huge denial bc he was like my 2nd favorite... it was until marineford i cried so so so much. ace's death and seeing our beloved luffy who we've been following since he was just in a barrel with so much ambition... break like that. he was broken enough to the point he didnt care if he died from headbutting boulders/cliffs. and we get the backstory of asl, learning that luffy actually had two brothers and that he didnt have anyone left. until jinbe was there to take him out of rock bottom and reminding him of what he still had.

anyway, one (silly) reason that i hate being more vulnerable/emotional i guess is that i will cry easily when it comes to the tragedy of these characters 😭

one piece just has excellent storytelling and how it can make you feel such intense emotions from the strawhats to characters that we thought werent important

#tin talks #just rambling again #and i love one piece so much #im so glad i started reading it #and it's never too late to start #but it is especially a good time Now to start it bc we're in the final saga #+ luffy giving you a reason to live... very very important #thats rlly how fast he became like my top 2 favs of All Time #smth about luffy that rlly helps you keep going #yes hes not real but my attachment to him is and #dont you just want to see the very things you love blossom?#mini vent #maybe? idk #it's rlly bc i saw the 'thank you for loving me' panel and #i wanted to cry lol #ace's death hurts so fucking much i miss him it's not fair

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dottores · 7 months

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ahhhh the sudden awareness of where you stand with people my beloathed </3

#never fails to hit hard but #i am glad that it happens #i must go do my readings for tomorrow #i shall see you all in the morning or after classes #i will say it doesnt hurt as much as it used to nor do i feel like angry or anything — is this me actually finally fully maturing?#ur little miss cat is growing as a person guys #remember when i used to throw tantrums on the dash when i got upset #actually dont remember that LMFAO #no but for real i think its crazy how much my general mentality has shifted with the start of law school #i think i became chronically online while i was stuck home for a year #jk lol but honestly its changed so much of my perspective on things way beyond just legal matters #i rmr so many people telling me that law school fundamentally changes you as a person but i did not believe it #but here i am a month and a half in fundamentally changing as a person #one thing that will never change is that i shall always make a small post with a million tags dissecting all of my inner thoughts #sometimes i wonder how many people read to the end #comment the number 7 if u got this far #LMFAO

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euphor1a · 1 year

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Best 4 hours of my life, with the loml ♡

#googie 🐰#i know i always say this but i can never really explain the way i feel about him </3 it’s so hard to put into words #i feel so complete now god i love him so much 🥺!! even that is an understatement 😔#i think it was like? 10:30 pm when i saw the weverse notif... and now it’s past 3 am jdghbcbn #i felt so many emotions throughout everything (the wv live; the ig live; and then wv live again) but god.#i’m just way too happy that i got to see him again 🥺; i missed him a lot!#crazy how just yesterday afternoon i teared up watching a reel on ig about missing him </3 and then 6 hours later!!! he shows up 💖#lol and i had so many mini breakdowns bc of him 😭 he’s a flirt FLIRT huh 😔✋🏼! WHAT ABOUT MY WEAK LITTLE HEART SIR???#i really have no defence when it comes to jk </33... sigh. but he sang sooooo many songs 🥰🥰#including txt! svt! nwjns! i’m one happy bitch 🤩☝🏼#what a great day to be alive honestly! just hope that he gets some rest bc goddamn it’s nearly 7 am at sk now 💀#oh and!!!! WE GOT TO SEE BAM MY BABY AFTER SO LONG IM SQUEALING THEY ARE SO CUTE OMG #HOW DID I ALMOST FORGET TO MENTION THAT LIKE WHAT #it was such a bonus to see tae too 🤭#!!! i’m just really happy #i’ll add more tags later... i just want to fall asleep now bc my eyes literally can’t anymore lol #anyway... ik i’m being very delulu here but like. sorry if it bothers you; i’m like this. 🤡#will always be jeon jungkook’s bitch <3 #bye bye ~ my eyes hurt 🙁#see you guys tomorrow and i love jungkook 😆... and y’all too <3

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nozomijoestar · 2 months

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Took me a while to realize but I can see similarities in how Asuka seems to process grief and how Guts from Berserk also processed his grief after the Eclipse. They both get so overwhelmed by the wrong that happened to them (father's hospitalization vs the Eclipse and a lifetime of misery) their reaction isn't to seek comfort in others or help/protect their loved one who needs them after the tragedy, it's to go off and inflict their pain on others to self soothe, as if that'll release the feeling from their minds.

The difference is that Guts was called out for this by Rickert and Godo. He needed to snap out of wanting to prioritize ridding his own pain to remember Casca needed him, and that Casca even in the state she was in was all the good in his life who went through the same experience with him. Guts had to remember he loves Casca more than he wants to self destruct. Like Godo told him he was a sword called fear with cracks in it. He feared sitting with his pain and grief and seeing it on the person he loved after so much violation. He feared vulnerability.

Asuka doesn't do this reevaluatation and has no one to call her out for her self destructive coping canonically. She can't sit with anything bad or face looking at it on a loved one either. That's too bad and helpless of a feeling. She's just as much made of fear (primarily from any helplessness as much as violations of her inner ethics) which fuels her anger, but her one personal attachment to her father who needs her isn't enough to make her want to reevaluate what she does at all. Instead his tragedy is the permission she needs to self destruct and destroy in the process, not like Guts who always told himself everything was for Casca and the fallen Hawks, who always reminded himself of the pain to justify the bloodletting.

Unlike Guts I think she'd be stubborn even accepting to listen to someone pointing her behavior out. Though her anger toward Feng did start out carrying a reminder this vengeance is for Dad even if it kills her in 5, even in 5's branching narratives that excuse falls apart when she continues in the tournament for her own pleasure during her route. The moment vengeance is achieved critically injured Dad is out of her mind. Her behavior during 6 repeats this process, preferring to hurt herself and others rather than sit to process a shitty feeling over her and the world's situation. Like Guts in this state she pushes away anyone and everyone else including any comforts because the anger isn't resolved, the fear isn't resolved, the pain isn't resolved.

They're both used to everyone being against them and having to fight for survival until they found joy in it as a side effect. And because of that independence born from isolation when something like the tragedies that happened takes place they put resolving their pain not on sharing with others but into scorching the earth along with themselves.

I don't say this either to imply they're exactly alike or that they have enough similarities to make a true character comparison because they absolutely don't. There's also some stuff I'm leaving out simply because Guts is a far more complex character in ways where there's nothing from Asuka to compare against (I would say Kazuya is the closest, more fitting Tekken comparison for substituting Guts vs Asuka style notes). I just find it interesting that even across wildly different stories the outline for an angry, self destructive, terrified person who thinks self destruction makes them strong and puts them in control uses a lot of the same foundation. And the contrast in their depths really shows how far you can push the concept depending on what you want or need for the character.

#tekken #berserk #I've haven't slept in six hours #asuka kazama #do i still think she'd pull a fighting 100 men for their lover type situation- MAYBE tbh #you could give her one technically but you'd have to really stretch her denial of seeing her violent behavior as ever being wrong #and that risks losing the scope of the character and the stakes level she represents #like i don't think she surpresses her pain into an other self at all she's very clear she's just reactionary so the brooding guilt #you need to have a BoD doesn't really apply at all she's not remorseful and ruminating on fighting in that sense at all whereas Guts guilts #Asuka hits you and moves on with her day because that should teach you; Guts is a whole storm of emotions and moral pulls even when numb #BoD is more a Jin thing but i still prefer Guts and not bc he did it first im sorry Jin jfjdhss #*you could give Asuka a BoD- idk why that tag is missing after the 100 men comment #anyway bitches who embody the sin of wrath #Asuka is about the childish joy and childish impulse we feel hurting others versus Guts being a study on why we hurt ppl bc we hurt too #*BoD is beast of darkness of course #also obviously there are lines Asuka will NEVER cross even in anger that Guts had no problem violating as Black Swordsman #so how does Asuka process grief...SHE DOESN'T LOL #she'd rather kill herself or dismiss feeling hurt than so much as cry

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deus-and-the-machina · 10 months

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sorry but releasing chapter 123 of oshi no ko then going on break for a week was THE funniest thing they could’ve done. everyone’s gonna be in agony, we’re gonna see so many clickbait videos about this (and I already have) and then in two or three weeks aqua’s gonna go “girl wtf” and quash ruby’s hopes and dreams again

#oshi no ko #sorry sorry im just like. fairly convinced with how aquas character is that this like. isnthappening lol so I just think its funny #glad ruby got some much needed therapy tho im gonna miss the dark stars. I think girl is a little TOO on top of the world lmao. cuz ya know #aqua: dont dedicate yourself to revenge and make yourself lie it'll just hurt you. im gonna do all that tho

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sysig · 3 months

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How much of me is me? (Patreon)

#Doodles #UT #Handplates #Sans #Papyrus #Another one that I cried to while drawing hehe ♪ Hhhhh I love their dynamic so much <3 <3 ;;#Sans' apparent disinterest in hurting Gaster is deeply interesting to me - we see him punch Gaster in Mercyplates even! :0 #I can't help but feel that a good portion of it is Papyrus being there with him when Gaster gives them his arm haha #Would he have been as well-behaved if he'd been by himself? I wonder :)#But generally I read it as him having grown up <3 They've both matured so beautifully by that point it's just ah- such a treat to read #Their transition from their childhood to their teens and young adulthood into themselves is just jdlksafhdsfd it's incredibly well written!#I say ''I wonder'' quite a lot lol but that's just speculation - watching them grow into themselves is So Incredibly satisfying <3 #It feels so natural to watch them become themselves ♥ It's beautiful ♪♫#And their sibling dynamic is truly unrivaled <3 They support each other! Lift each other up! Where one stumbles the other catches him!#I love them so much ahh #Papyrus' emotional intelligence gets me so bad <3 The sweetest lad #I feel like it would bother Sans that he/they have Gaster's memories and not their own #It makes me especially sad to think about everything he missed of them - if only you hadn't fallen behind on the footage Gaster! >:0 #They already have some pretty incredible identity issues just throw being pieces of him in every sense into the mix #They're grown from him and even when they got away and built themselves that still got subplanted with memories that aren't even theirs!#It's a rough spot #Papyrus though ♥ Always knows what to say hehe #Reaffirming that Sans is the most important person to him - that they are to each other - that no matter what they're brothers #And that no matter what - even having Gaster's memories or being without memories at all - that Sans is a good person #That it's not out of self-preservation or trying to do it for Papyrus' sake (even if that is a lot of it haha)#That /Sans/ is the one making that decision of his own volition and his own morals and beliefs #And that he loves and supports him no matter what <3 #''I know you can be a good person. You can choose to do the right thing'' and ''I see you being a good person. You're doing the right thing'#Hhhh <3 I love them <3

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frecklystars · 3 months

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god I really used to love my starlight so much. our anniversary would be — or is in two weeks. and i always feel hopeless and depressed when he enters my mind. I don’t go a day without thinking about my TF F/Os because I had that habit of thinking about them for 3 years straight. now it’s going to be 4 years, 1 whole year of having cptsd attacks and being triggered just looking at this fictional franchise. i used to love them so much. now I wish I never ever knew of their existence, then I never would have met my abuser and none of this would have ever happened to me

I love Barbie and Ken so damn much, but I am never going to love anyone the way I loved my robot F/Os and now they’re gone and my brain marks them as “unsafe” and marks *all* F/Os as “could be potentially unsafe. Barbie and Ken may love you now, but later they might become dangerous. You’ve learned that people you trust and love are going to hurt you and everyone you care about has bad intentions towards you. If it could happen with starscream, whom you loved more than anyone, then it’s gonna happen with Ken/Driver/Six/etc. you loved this F/O unconditionally and someone convinced you that you’re only lovable to them through violence and disrespect of boundaries to the point of feeling stalked. if this could make Starscream feel like a threat to you, when you felt 100% safe and secure with him at all times… well, just about anyone is a threat now. Nobody is ever fully safe for you” so wow it’s almost like I’m traumatized or something

and yet my brain won’t just put TF down and let me forget them entirely, they keep coming into my head and I keep mourning and grieving and crying and stress vomiting and UGH 😭😭😭 I wish I knew a way to heal but I don’t! know! how! And I can’t afford cptsd therapy any more than just once every couple of months so my healing progress with TF feels nonexistent.

and I’m scared I’ll never feel safe with ANY f/os ever again. not just TF. Like … I love Ken so much but I never feel 100% safe with him. or I might have days where I feel safe, but I don’t believe he loves me, I feel like I’m only lovable if I’m someone’s punching bag. god. I miss my old self, I can’t believe it’s been a year. This should have been 4 years of loving STSC but it’s just been a year of mourning everything I’ve ever lost

#stumbled on my old art where he’d say ‘I would never hurt you I love you so much’#I miss believing that. my god. i miss myself. Jesus where did she go #I miss feeling safe with TF I miss my honeybee I miss my starlight I miss my sunshine I miss my knight #i miss my home. i miss feeling good looking at flower meadows. i miss watching princess movies for my AUs #I miss my red energon necklace … I miss… missing steve #I don’t even miss steve anymore I don’t feel anything at all #sucks I still can’t find the old art I’ve been digging to find lol. but god I drew so much starkeri didn’t I #I just wish I could look at or even think of a character. and not. shake. I’m so jittery and for what?#they used to feel safe and now I look at my old art where they’re holding me #and my brain is like ‘no they’d kill and abuse you etc etc’#I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same again. i have never had F/Os be so tainted before in my life #I’m so relieved I have ken but I don’t know how long I’ll have him y’know. the hyperfixation I mean.#once I watch all the Ryan movies… that’s kind of it #then what. just go back to crying over STSC 15 times a day #ughhhhhhh #I don’t even know if I love STSC anymore I just fear him. like the love is gone. there’s no love left #it’s just fear and stress and stress vomiting #vent #delete later

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pepprs · 2 years

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also the favoritism thing is still making me so fucking mad and insane btw. im not jealous / resentful of my brother bc he deserves her love and is also burdened in his own ways by it and bc i think my drama w my mom has shaped my life in profound ways and given me friends i cherish and i would never trade any of that for the world but jesus fucking christ. why do i have to beg you to interact with me like a mother. why do i have to talk to me at all beyond asking me to do you 847439473 favors a day. why do i have to beg you to take an interest in my life and apologize when you hurt me and be nurturing and perceptive for once in your fucking life. like it hurts to hear her asking him about his classes and whatever bc she didn’t think i was stressed out w school but i had to talk to a ****** hotline last decemver when i couldn’t take it anymore and my mental health was crashing and burning and it doesn’t even fucking matter to her at all and she’s going to get him the nice gifts and throw him the nice parties and whatever because she hates me and my sister for… and let me get this straight… being complicated and anxious and depressed and also girls. lol!

#purrs #delete later #sorry i knowive been insane about momposting but this shit has me screeching like an ape. the way when my brother was born she decided me #and my sister would be okay with each other bc we were twins and meanwhile she was leaving my sister to have anxiety attacks and me to take #care of her and all of this happening at like 7 years old and she would come into my brothers room every single night and kiss him goodnight #and talk to him for a long time and she wouldn’t even come in and say goodnight to us. LOL. ok. like our room being a depression nest is not #an excuse. us not helping out much in the kitchen or around the house (which is bad but also we have reasons for it that i think are valid #and i only do it here and not elsewhere btw.) is not a good excuse. you can’t decide you love your one kid more because he helps out and #keeps his room clean and whatever. maybe he is normal because you made it very clear from the time that he was born that he was your top #priority and you gave him your attention and didn’t take it away meanwhile my sister and i have always had to share bc we’re twins and she #cast us aside when he was born and has fucking tormented both of us for years over who we like what we want where we go all of that shit and #then has the AUDACITY to call herself a good mother. being a good mother is more than feeding your kid and projecting your childhood trauma #onto them by preventing them from ever developing cancer to the point where they’re afraid fo like. go outside. you have to be patient and #nurturing and kind and like.. motherly. ans i know no one can be a perfect mother and she has been hurt so badly and she is dealing with a l #lot right now but COME ON. for gods SAKE. i am right fucking here. why don’t you care about me? why do you make it clearer every day?#ask to tag #like the way she would say when my sister and i were growing up and going through it that she wished she could book a hotel and live there f #far away from us and miss out on us growing up so she wouldn’t have to deal with us being anxious and hormonal because we were teenage girls #LOL. totally did not impact me at all. totally is not a wound that informs every breath i take and every thought i have. not at all #* like maybe he is normal because you uh… idk. just a guess here. actually gave him the motherlove people need to be functioning healthy #human beings? idk. just a silly thought. haha

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iloveyoumorethansoup · 8 months

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Ok life update. I’m fully in college again! I like some of my classes (all stem classes) I kinda hate some other classes (theatre classes ironically). I am so deeply not moved in at all. Unpacking who? Could not be me. I do not have enough storage. I like my third roommate a lot and living with my ex is not as scary as I thought it would be. I finally get an adhd and depression test in two weeks and i start therapy in a week.

#me? going to therapy bc my last relationship hurt me that badly? it’s more likely than you think!#it wasn’t just that. but that in conjunction with my depression did not do good things #went from clingy to very anxious attachment style #also. i keep saying I’m completely over her. I’m not. I’m just hoping if I say it enough it’ll be true #so it just really really hurts that she’s so over me and already talking to people and looking for dates #and I’m over here like. please can it all just stop hurting for 5 seconds🫠🫠🫠🫠#i really do not know what to do. hoping therapy fixes my very much still broken heart #i can’t even tell her like hey dude this is killing me bc then she’d think I’m trying to make it her problem #when in reality I just don’t want her to talk about the girls she’s talking to as much #also I’m pretty sure she’d end up being like fine I just won’t talk to you anymore. which completely missed the point as well #so. that’s cool #gaming club is starting to meet up again which is nice. unfortunately it’s on a day I have color guard every week #i think antidepressants would be very good for me bc I am struggling to find a single positive point in my life rn #the waitlist for therapy is miles long and u gotta submit why you want it. they called me in within a week. it’s not looking hot for me lol #I’d like to start streaming now that I’m single again. and by that I mean I have more free time #but my ex and I share a wall and she hates when she can hear me talking thru the wall. we have really really thin walls #y’all I am not winning. at all #idea: we’re doing a poll on things that should improve my life and y’all can decide #soup talks

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