#lol i knew one of my friends was a fucking homophobe
Are your emergency requests still open? Could I request a Bakugou and Kirishima x reader (separately) comforting their s/o who came out to their family? They weren't exactly against it but weren't all for it either... I just did (I'm bi/pan lol) so this kinda happened to me today so I just want some fluff from our best bois<3
Anyway sorry for rambling, oh also reader can be gn! or fem!
Thank you so much and hope you have a great day/night<3
Bakugou and Kirishima Comforting Their S/o After They Come Out as Bisexual/Pansexual and Their Parents Aren’t Supportive But Also Not Unsupportive || Headcanons
Masterlist 1 || Masterlist 2
↠Author’s Note: Aw, I’m sorry about that :( If you want to talk my dms are open. Anyways, here ya go! I hope these are fine -Danielle <3
↠Characters: Katsuki Bakugou and Eijiro Kirishima x Reader
↠Summary: Katsuki and Eijiro comforting their s/o when they’re parents aren’t supportive of them being bi/pansexual but also aren’t totally against it
↠Word Count: 500
↠Warnings: Unsupportive parents, but not necessarily homophobic (idk how to describe it)
“How’d it go?” Bakugou questioned, as soon as you stepped into the common area, after you returned from visiting your parents house
“Oh, uh, alright, I guess. They didn’t seem like they hated it, but they didn’t really seem too happy about it either,” you explained
“Tch, that’s dumb,” he replied, “You good?”
“I’m fine, I guess. A little upset but that’s fine,” you replied, but Bakugou was smart enough to know that it wasn’t fine, and you were pretty upset about it
“Come on,” he said, standing up, “We’re going out for ice cream.” (If you’re lactose intolerant then y’all went to get something else)
“Yeah, it’ll cheer you up, let’s go.”
Afterwards y’all ended up going shopping together, and eventually after that you ended up back in his dorm, where your mind drifted back to what happened with your parents, and you began getting a little upset
“Come on, dumbass. Does it really matter what they think of you? Not like it matters to them anyways, I’m the only one that needs to care about who you like, and I don’t give a fuck what gender you like, so it doesn’t matter.”
Spent the rest of the night with you, giving you mini pep talks about how he didn’t care and none of your friends cared either every once in a while, as well as cuddling you and talking with you about regular everyday stuff
Eijiro would be so supportive no matter what your sexuality/gender/etc. was (like even if you admitted to not liking guys he wouldn’t be mad at all, he’d ask if you still wanted to be friends with him, and then continue to be your friend if you were cool with it)
So, he went with you when you told your parents, and he was disappointed with their reaction, he was hoping for your sake that they were all happy and supportive, but no, it seemed like they didn’t really care at all
And you both knew that it could be worse than that, but it still slightly upset you, and Kirishima could tell, so he got you out of there asap
Also takes you on a date afterward, but one of those at home dates yk? Where you order in food, and watch movies, play games, cuddle, just spend time together
He’s so supportive the entire time during the at home date too, if you seemed to be getting upset about what happened, he’d point out the positives in the situation such as at least they didn’t totally despise the idea like some families would or that you had a ton of supportive friends, plus you lived in the dorms so you didn’t have to deal with your family as much
But yeah, he basically just spent the rest of the night by your side, being as supportive as he possibly could and making sure that you knew you weren’t alone and that he was there for you
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about the sbi crit post, this is some deep mcyt tumblr lore. idk if you're interested, but the op was a user gayminecraftmen, who was part of a group called "dreamlying" consisting of users wormweeb, georgesoot, georgeeehd and warpedfungusonastick (i think you've reblogged some of their posts?). anyway, the drama connected with them was fucking wild. they were EXTREMELY critical of ccs (especially dream). wormweeb's critical post about dream and george queerbaiting people showed up on kaceytron's stream when she accused dream of queerbaiting and used the post as evidence against him. georgeeehd used dream's doxxed info to check if he was registered to vote in 2020 US elections and who he voted for. they were also friends with ozzie, a twitter user who had drama with ponk and claimed to know him personally. warpedfungus is apparently in possession of some private info about ccs they found online, some of it using wayback machine (or they're just trolling you never know lol). georgesoot is probably the most infamous name. there was a rumor that he deactivated because dream's lawyers threatened legal action against him for defamation of character, but now he reactivated again so idk if it's true. he was also the inventor of ancap!cc!dream and centris!cc!george headcanon (?). also he criticized dream team a lot for being homophobic and toxic from what i remember. they were all very popular "truthers", speculating heavily about ccs sexualities and real romantic relationships between ccs (including minors). there was also a callout post/blocklist going around saying gayminecraftmen and georgesoot are enderbee shippers, but they claimed they were just trolling and joking abt it. but what i find incredibly funny is that they all predicted dream being a trump supporter/conservative in autumn 2020, way before the slideshow and reddit posts came up lol
Someone told me about georgesoot the other day, I blocked georgeeehd a long time ago because of some post that annoyed me (I can’t exactly remember), and I actually didn’t know about warpedfungus (kinda thought they were just chill, liked some of their crit posts), but I’ve unfollowed them now, so ty for the heads up.
But anyways, oof. It’s a shame they’re truthing/doxxing scum, because the rest of the criticism, although super intense and out there, I actually lowkey vibe with? Like, I try not to speculate about things that don’t have hard evidence on this blog just because there are far too many people following me now for that to be responsible of me, but... let me just say that I haven’t not discussed a couple of the things you mentioned with people I know irl lmao.
There’s kinda a lot I want to say about all this, but I just really, really can’t. But thank you for the info, ‘twas pretty interesting. I knew bits and pieces, but had never heard the full story.
Also, I am cackling at that last bit because it’s just so fitting. I’m pretty sure I saw one of those posts back in October, when I was first learning about who the Dream Team was on Tumblr, and I wouldn’t be surprised if some part of my subconscious had stored those bits away and manifested it as a light skepticism/hesitation when it came to anything DT-related...
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taylorjordans: I’m not allowed to take pictures but I’ve gained twenty pounds then lost ten due to stress. Yesterday, a staff member and I went down to the beach. We ran about a mile before coming back. I don’t trust myself on the gym equipment because of my vision problems. The doctor on site told me that my physical health was getting better since coming to Passages, though I need improvement with getting more exercise. My heart is borderline, the same place it’s been since my accident, though it’s significantly weaker because of my overdose (I literally can’t spell lol). My body isn’t what it was before my overdose but it’s still doing it’s job in keeping me alive. Knock on wood.
Jordan couldn’t afford to have another heart attack or stroke. He may not survive. His body was still healing from his overdose, while getting used to his two new disabilities. It had been a month since he arrived and he was making progress. He had one episode during an individual therapy session where he talked to Jayde. His therapist, having knowledge of his psychosis, asked him questions about what he was experiencing. He introduced her to Jayde, which led to more questions.
“Right now, she wants me to get justice for her assault. She doesn’t want to call it rape, she prefers ‘assault’. She’s proud of me for standing up for her against Ben. She knows my friends and family are also proud of me.”
“Is Ben the one who assaulted her?”
He nodded. “Yeah. It’s something she never was able to work through. She told me about it because she wanted me to get justice. Something else she wants me to do is become an advocate for victims of sexual assault, while also advocating for mental illness and addiction awareness. I don’t know if I can share her story because it’s not mine.”
The therapist told him that it would be a way of getting justice for her. He could do what she couldn’t by telling the world what happened to her. People would listen to him. He could also show other survivors they weren’t alone.
Jon had to see Jordan, so he flew out for a couple of weeks to visit him in rehab. It took a moment for Jordan to recognize him but when he did, he gave him a huge hug! Then went outside to the lounge chairs and sat down. It was really the only private place to talk. It was also very warm outside at eighty degrees, so being inside wasn’t an option. There was a slight breeze coming off the ocean, which made the temperature perfect.
Jon asked him how he was doing. It depended on the day. He was getting ready to go to court and he had almost daily video meetings with his attorney. She knew that he was in rehab and why. Jon mentioned he had read about what happened on his Instagram. It was also on TMZ. Jordan didn’t know that. A video of the fight was on TMZ? He nodded then pulled it up on his phone.
The video showed a crowd gathered and people recording on their phones. Before the fight actually started, they had been yelling back and forth. It was only after Ben made comments implying the rape, he started beating him. He continued provoking him by using homophobic and transphobic slurs.
“Don’t you fucking dare touch me! Someone call the police! He assaulted me! Police! Help!”
The video ended as the police broke up the fight. Did he remember any of that? No. He just remembered running into him and getting angry, then beating him. His brain must have blocked out everything else. Ben had started the fight, not him but he had been the one arrested. Thank god for smartphones! Hopefully, this would mean the Los Angeles district attorney was dropping the charges against him.
“Thanks, babe. Thanks for showing me that.”
“You’re welcome. I have something to tell you. I thought it would be best if I did it in person. I have a girlfriend. It’s new and we’re getting to know each other.”
“Does she know about me?”
He shook his head. “No, not yet. Her name is Amber.”
“Good for you, babe! This just means I can’t call you gorgeous anymore!”
He showed him a picture of her. She had long blonde hair and she was beautiful! How old was she? Forty-five. Damn! He laughed and thanked him for not getting upset. Jordan shrugged. He never had any hard feelings towards him or their breakup. Life just happened. He was going to auditions and hanging out with his friends. Then, he got into drugs and everything changed. He became someone he didn’t want to be. What happened?
He didn’t remember. It just progressed from experimenting to getting addicted. He and Chris got high together, then had sex. From there, he lied to his boyfriend and his friends about where he was. He lied about what he was doing. Then, he got angry and suicidal. Marijuana turned to cocaine to heroin to meth to mixing them in a speedball. Then, fentanyl and whatever else he was using. Adderall, Xanax.
He lied to his dad about being busy with auditions when he really was with Chris. Then, he overdosed. Did he remember that? Not really. He just remembered what he had been told. Was he still with his boyfriend? No, they broke up. What happened? It was a combination of how he had treated him and him hooking up with Mike while he was in Wales. They both texted him after it happened. He forgave Jason because he had cheated on him with Chris but what Mike did was unforgivable.
It was the second time he had gone behind his back and done something with one of his boyfriends. What was the first? He kissed Chester while they were dating. They broke up because he didn’t know who he was. Friends don’t do that to each other. Jon agreed that he would feel betrayed if one of his friends did that to him. Did he want to repair his friendship with Mike? No, he couldn’t trust him anymore.
“I’m thinking of shaving my head when I get out of here. Start over with something new.”
“That was the most random thing you’ve said so far!”
The last time Jon had seen Jordan, they were deciding to break up. So much had happened since then. He and his band had seen the news report about his overdose. They were speechless as they didn’t know he was using drugs. The news reported that it was most likely caused by fentanyl being added to one of the drugs, either cocaine or heroin.
They hoped it was just an accident and it wasn’t serious. After talking to Bruce, they found out that it was very serious. At the time, he had gone through his second stroke and there was talk about whether or not he was going to make it. Bruce and Patti talked about whether they should have the kids say goodbye to their brother. Then, they found out that he was going to make it. The doctor didn’t know how, but he pulled through.
Did he know what happened in the hospital? Yeah. He had two strokes, two heart attacks, then he contracted pneumonia and was on antibiotics. Because of the second stroke, he had short-term memory damage and peripheral vision loss.
“Yeah. We didn’t know if you were going to make it. You weren’t supposed to survive the second stroke, but you did!”
“I’m resilient as fuck! I’m like Iron Man. I can’t be killed.”
He laughed. “Without the billion dollars.”
“Someday I’ll have a billion dollars! Then I can make my own Iron Man suit!”
After a while, the reminder on his phone went off. It was time for dinner. They decided to go back inside, leaving the tranquility of the ocean for another day. His therapist welcomed them back after seeing them come in. She was just going to go looking for them. Jon told her they were outside. She joked that she should have checked there! They laughed then went to the dining room and sat down.
@astrotravelingg @zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @born-to-lose
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(discussing internalized trans-/homophobia under the cut)
the thing about being transmasc and bi is like. I’m pretty sure even when im ready to date again im gonna be t4t basically by necessity because ive got so much shit wrapped up in my attraction to binary genders that it would be so so easy particularly for a cis person to trip over on accident constantly and I just can’t cope with that. Like:
Can’t easily express attraction for women because
grew up thinking of yourself/perceived as a queer girl so even casual touch with friends was Policed or frowned on by homophobes
gender poison old tumblr discourse that men’s attraction to women is ~different~ than women’s attraction to women and is in fact inherently objectifying
the repressed part of you that has known since you were 12 or 13 grew up hearing “boys will be boys” and seeing boys’ and men’s misogynist behavior and being around straight people who felt the need to supervise boys’ friendships with girls more closely and felt like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. this feeling is even harder to shake now that you know where its coming from.
Can’t easily express attraction for men because
[transphobe voice] haha you just say youre transmasc because you want an excuse to avoid saying your attraction to men is straight I get it
[echoes of the voice of a college friend who identified as a gay man at the time and knew i was nonbinary and Not a Woman] “damn you make me question my sexuality” - like. no one is ever going to actually see me as a man so why fucking bother.
(w cis men) pregnancy scare pregnancy scar e intrusive thoughts about being pregnant bc this is literally a source of body horror no fucking thank you
eta: also theres this whole running narrative of like. am i doing it right am i performing attraction like a queer man and not like a woman. do you see me for me as an adult and NOT a woman?
which is fine other trans people are fucking gorgeous im just upset that im so affected by these things and thinking about how terribly small my dating pool is gonna be lol
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The part that baffles me around the discourse circling Only the Brave is that so many people fail to analyze the mere facts of the song and how it puts a damper on the very interpretation that Louis’ songs are inherently queer and any other interpretation of them is stupid/homophobic. The main writers of the song are straight - let’s say “presumably straight” because I’m sure they haven’t explicitly said so (since most straight people never feel the need to), but there’s little to no indication that they’re anything but and it’s kind of weird for grown everyday people to keep that sort of thing under wraps, especially in the entertainment industry where people behind the scenes being queer is seen as mostly a non-issue. But that’s not the only thing.... the song was initially written for Liam Gallagher, a painfully straight man. If Larries can find such big queer undertones on a song written (“presumably”) by two straight men, for another straight man... then that kinda frames the entire idea of “this reads as gay” as a little off base, right?
I think a major theme Louis had in his songwriting, when it came to Eleanor, was the pressure of being in a monogamous, long-term relationship since he was so young (19), staying faithful for four years in which he had the world at his feet and any excess he could’ve wanted. Why was he wasting away all the opportunities thrown at him for a relationship that probably wouldn’t even be “the one”?
He hints at it multiple times. The struggle of “you’re too young to really know what you’re doing, and committing yourself to just one person instead of enjoying your youth and freedom is dumb and you’re gonna regret it” is very prominent and easy to spot once you identify it. I think that we, queers (lol), tend to see everything through the lens of queerness, so struggle in a romantic relationship or forbidden love becomes personal, queer, etc. “Straight struggles” look and sound minor and “champagne problems” to us, but that’s not what the history of art says. MOST of the forbidden love stories are straight, MOST of the romantic struggles have absolutely nothing to do with queerness.
And when we pair this idea of “the world is telling me to fuck around but I love you and want to be with you” with what actually happened in Louis’ real life (where, essentially, he gives in to the pressure, breaks it off with Eleanor, sleeps around to the point of knocking up a girl, parties, etc). It’s kind of like “ohhhh, well yeah...” Once I put that in perspective it clicked. Especially because he already knew the band would be taking a break when it happened, maybe he figured this was his last chance of fitting the partying and sleeping around before it all slipped away from him.
He talks about how much he regrets that decision too. He “gave in to the pressure” ... he had everything but he threw it away because they told him he was too young to know she was the one and he was wasting his life and opportunities by sticking around.
Who knows who was in his ear? My biggest bet would be his hometown friends, who seem to have an insurmountable amount of influence in his decisions and were probably a little dumb back in the day.
People clearly have a hard time understanding that Harry and Louis aren’t perfect human beings and this sort of interpretation of Louis’ music doesn’t paint him in the best light, but, I mean, he is a human with flaws...?
It’s the same problem I have when people go out of their way to shift the theme with the trio of Cherry - Falling - TBSL. They take certain sentences literally (“I was just a little boy”) and others as metaphors (“there’s no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands”) according to what they want to read from them. I personally don’t think Harry is talking about cheating in Falling because then TBSL would make no sense (she’s basically still around and he’s the one to put a stop to her being... overly friendly)
My interpretation of that trio is that they break up, but in a very amicable way, that leads them to hooking up whenever he’s drunk and his decisions are impaired (because he should know better). He’s still 100% in love with her - she’s not. After sex, he goes back to his bed (house/hotel) and he’s alone, because she’s not his. “Do you think it’s easy being of the jealous kind?” He has no claim over her, but still wants to claim her. She wants to be “friends” she still calls him “baby”, all of which leads to rendezvous (“I miss the shape of your lips, you’ll win, it’s just a trick”) ... he finally finds the strength to put an end to it (“so this is it, so I’m sorry.... don’t call me ‘baby’ again”). Perhaps Harry feels like this ultimatum will make her go back to him. But it does the opposite. It sets her free to pursue someone else, who she ends up with, and he’s broken into a million pieces.
And I think that Larries have a hard time understanding that nuance. While Harry’s lyrics don’t paint him as a cheater (in my opinion) on deeper analysis, they do paint him as a pathetic obsessed ex lover, who suffered at the hands of someone who (according to himself) actually had no ill intentions (“I know that you’re tryna be friends - I know you mean it”), but it’s his own dumb brain and doing that gets him even further heartbroken (“there’s no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands” he did this to him-fucking-self), and I think a lot of Larries (and fans too) don’t want to let go of this larger than life, unattainable person. They don’t want to admit he’s flawed. They also don’t want to admit he was unhappy, sad, miserable even. This goes for both Harry and Louis.
Larry is this queer love story for the ages where they’re perfect and in love and the only suffering they endure comes from outside sources that they can’t control. And even then, the amount of times I see them reassure themselves that they’re actually “probably really happy” despite the trials and tribulations they would be facing. When in fact, they’d probably be so incredibly and deeply sad??
I understand deifying the artists you support - I mean we do call them “idols”... and while I have absolutely nothing against people who want their fandom experience to involve acting like the sun shines out of their fav’s ass (because it’s fun! as long as you’re aware it’s your own projection), I draw the line at switching around reality in these people’s personal lives and their struggles and hardships and AFFIRMING they don’t exist to get yourself some peace of mind. If you don’t want to think about that sort of thing, that’s fine. I can totally get behind with ignoring your idols personal life. But don’t build an alternate reality, herald it as real life, evangelize it to anyone who will listen (and some who won’t), and attack those who don’t buy into it.
This was a really wonderful read, thank you. Especially the last paragraph. I hadn’t really thought that deeply in terms of either album yet, because originally I was obviously thinking about it from a certain mindset, but I haven’t totally revisited either of them.
(Didn’t agree with some of your first paragraph re the sexuality of the writers because we can’t know or assume, or know why they wouldn’t talk about it, but the general point stands which is he didn’t really write on it).
I think elements of both albums are super hard to explain away if the ‘truth’ is Harry and Louis are both super gay, one hundred percent homosexual, and entirely committed to each other.
Fine Line is a break up album, if we interpret it romantically. It starts with being besotted with someone and sex (Golden, Adore You, Watermelon Sugar), and then deals with a break up (Cherry, Falling, TBSL), and then deals with kind of being past that and being able to reflect and feel fondly about your memories (Canyon Moon, Sunflower) and then it gets to Fine Line which is kind of a bittersweet acceptance of two people being a fine line between what was once romance, and now maybe friendship, and Harry moving on. That’s pretty clearly the narrative of the album if you read it romantically. And he’s explicitly kind of said that.
I feel like to explain FL as a Louis album, and an album about someone he’s been with for ten years and has been committed to, you have to explain a lot away. Especially Cherry. And you do have to wonder how someone even got Harry to put the voicemail on the track, when clearly no one is that interested in sticking him in a super closed closet anyway. I mean...it’s going to be on his first album that’s had a Grammy nomination for the rest of known time.
Walls is kind of about Louis reflecting on the band, his career so far, and feeling a lot of regret about letting someone go. It explicitly implies that he hasn’t been with this person for years. And I think people downplay what the Eleanor/Louis narrative would supposedly be, which is being long distance for YEARS while he’s having people throwing themselves at him, while she’s being harassed, and he’s the subject of a gay conspiracy. ‘Waving goodbye to the hard times’ sounds about right in that context lol.
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being friends with double black!
summary: what it was like being friends with Dazai and Chuuya and what happens if you leave with Dazai or stay with Chuuya
warnings: mentions of alcohol, suicide, shoplifting, nsfw mentions under the reader more but nothing too graphic.
word count: 2.3k
ok so i tried to post this last night but my laptop died and it deleted lol im kinda on a dazai grind rn. I really think that if dazai had a person he was friends with since 15 he would be so much different rather than a girl he met during his time at the ada! i could go off but thats for another post, enjoy!
You've kissed both of them, that's just a given. Dazai was first while you two were waiting on the other half of double black to show up. It caught you off guard and when he pulled away he winked and then acted like nothing happened. Then with Chuuya it happened after a night of good ol’ underage drinking. It was sloppy and you initiated it.
When you got your first significant other they got protective. Chuuya acted like he didn't care saying that it was your decision but you could see the way his eyebrow twitched when you mentioned their name. Dazai mocked you, calling you soft but otherwise seemed okay with the relationship. What you didn't know is they got together and Chuuya held them down while his partner played mind tricks on them, threatening them if they ever hurt you. Surprisingly they didn't break up with you, that came later. When it did, you knew they would literally kill the person so you had to beg them not to. Only if it was a clean, ok break up would they agree not to take the poor person's life. They would just destroy every possession they owned and drive them almost to insanity.
All teenagers go through that phase where they just walk around stores and fuck around. Just because you were all a part of the mafia did not mean you were exempt from that. The three of you loved to walk around stores with whatever money you had. The worst part is they liked to steal, the even worse part was that Dazai just didn't give a fuck. He would steal anything and everything, he'd literally bring a tote bag and you could see the items hanging out of it. Then he’d walk around with a fucking hockey stick just sticking out of his bag. One time he rode a bike all around the entire store just to book it out past security. You began to suspect he was a kleptomaniac. The whole time you would be almost having a heart attack because he was not being secretive at all and you thought you'd be safe with Chuuya until you saw him shove a pack of trading cards in his pants. At least he was discreet. He actually knew how to steal, he’d walk around the store and browse, even pay for something cheap. (remember if its chain it’s free reign but never fucking steal from mom and pop shops, unless they are racists or homophobic.)
Dazai made you hang out with Oda once and it was the most awkward thing in the world. You were a shy sixteen year old and he was so silent. Oda even asked if the two of you were dating since you were literally glued to Dazai’s side the entire time making it even more awkward.
The boys knew not to play jokes on you because one time they played a prank where Dazai pretended to kill Chuuya and you almost killed the mackerel. They grabbed ketchup and squirted it all over Chuuya and Dazai held the knife when you walked in. Both of them were scared shitless when you immediately had Dazai in a headlock, threatening to snap his neck. Sometimes they forgot you were in the Port Mafia also.
When Chuuya was learning how to drive you and Dazai would sit in the back seat and hog the aux. Though, it should have probably been silent you two would blast raunchy rap songs to fuck with the poor person given the assignment of teaching. The two of you would sing on the top of your lungs and even though Chuuya would act angry, you could see him smiling and singing along.
After Chuuya did get his license Dazai would beg him to let him try driving. You and the red head would yell at him and say no, there was no way you'd trust him behind a wheel. One day you two let him and it was the biggest mistake of your lives. Dazai put the child safety locks on and blasted the heat. It was a hot summer day and it didn't take long for the inside of the car to feel like a furnace. You and Chuuya began screaming at him as he just had a sadistic ass smile on his face. It got to the point where Chuuya tried to activate his ability to rip the door off but Dazai saw the red glow and put a hand on him, using his ability to nullify. All while this was happening you were ripping your clothes off in the back and the suicidal maniac was swerving everywhere. In a last ditch effort you wrapped your arms around his throat but you think he liked it more than he didn't. Putting pressure he eventually allowed the windows to unlock. You and Chuuya almost murdered him and you never allowed him to drive again.
Dazai would make faces at people through the backseat window (Chuuya never let him sit up front it was an actual rule.) Most of the time people would laugh but there would be that rare moment when someone would get pissed. You would always just laugh because you knew with Dazai and Chuuya you were safer than ever.
Chuuya and you would race everyone on the road if they were willing. He’d pull up to stop lights and rev his engine, putting his arm around you with a smirk. Usually you would be against it but you knew his ability could protect you somehow. It was fun seeing the people make eye contact with Chuuya because you knew what was coming. You won every time.
On a more serious note you were there for them when they really needed it and they were there for you.
Sitting with Dazai and even sleeping on his floor if you thought he might do something stupid. He appreciated the fact that you weren't pushy you were more of of “Ok you're suffering and i'm scared so i'm just gonna sit here, listen to music and talk about stupid things.” He liked it because you didn't try and make him talk about things he didn't want to. You would just sit there and sometimes cuddle him.
With Chuuya he would get upset about his past. You would go for walks or sit on top of high buildings as he would spill everything to you. You'd hold him because he wouldn't want you to see his face. It was easier and harder comforting him. Harder since he didnt outright show he was hurting, like Dazai with his suicide attempts, but easier in the sense he would spill everything to you and talk to you. You would feel very close to him during these times.
Both of them would honestly just distract you and if the thing upsetting you was breathing they would ask if you want it taken care of. Expect lots of jokes from Dazai’s end and hugs and car rides from Chuuya. Even though the two of them would argue over the right way to comfort you, you would end the night with gifts, food and smile on your face.
Dazai would only tell you that he was leaving and that's because he wanted you to come with.
If you chose Chuuya:
As much as it hurt you, you declined. He had laid himself bare and you can't remember a time he was so open and vulnerable with you but Dazai would make it, he would find his people. Chuuya you weren't so sure about. He treasured you and you felt leaving him could utterly break him. You could see a shimmer of disdain in his eyes, but he understood.
When he left he didn't just blow up Chuuya’s car but he destroyed your room too. Erasing all the memories the three of you shared throughout your years together. You sobbed and sat on your bed, holding onto the one thing he left untouched which was a framed picture of the three of you holding one another after running from the cops. Chuuya knocked on the door and you could see he was shaking from rage. Then he sat down and held onto you, letting out a sob.You suspected he had something to drink. It was the first time you had seen Chuuya sob so freely. You sobbed together, mourning the loss of a friend and false memories. As he cried about how he was angry he just left you two with no warning your sadness turned to anger. You held him tighter and silently cursed his name for not warning your sweet, amazing Chuuya.
You fell asleep holding each other and when he woke up sober in the middle of the night he kissed you. Then under the moonlight that showed through the window, illuminating your destroyed room, the two of you made love. Chuuya promised to protect you no matter what and stick with you through thick and thin.
After that it didn't take long for you and Chuuya to begin dating. Being the only two left from the group and the only ones to understand each other's pain it was only a matter of time. He also became furious with Dazai, wishing him dead. You knew Chuuya had always had a secret dislike for him but after being his partner for three years it was hard not to have some sort of positive feelings. You also knew that Chuuya knew Dazai asked you to leave with him even though you never told him that. He was forever grateful for your decision.
Chuuya knew you were hurting. He’d see it in the way your eyes would widen when a certain rap song would come on your playlist, the way your breathing would get quicker when you passed a familiar store and even the tears that threatened to spill when you saw the photo of the three of you, you hung up on the wall of your newly shared apartment.
At first would snap sometimes, wondering why you weren't angry at Dazai but after a few months he would calm down. The wound was just still so fresh but even though he still loathes the man, he can understand why you don't. Instead he knows to hold you tight and remind you that he’ll always be there.
You would worry sometimes, that you made the wrong decision to stay. Not because of Chuuya but because the Mafia life was always full of suffering and sadness it seemed. Yet every time Chuya would smile at you, hug, kiss, and fuck you, you knew you made the right decison. He would never leave you.
If you went with Dazai:
You agreed and Dazai felt a little pressure off his shoulders. He would kiss you and make love to you right then and there. You don't know if it was because Oda just died and he couldn't mourn just yet but he was softer than he was with everyone and by the end he promised to make sure you guys made it out of there safe and alive.
You weren't as cold as Dazai and left Chuuya a note apologizing. You'd never know that he couldn't be mad at you, dazai was a different story. You spent the first couple months sobbing while clutching onto the only evidence of your friendship, a photo of the three of you holding onto one another after running from the cops. You thought Dazai would tell you to just throw it out but instead, in a rare moment of vulnerability, would smile at it fondly.
At first Dazai would be cold as fuck. Literally sometimes would leave for hours and then almost act like you weren't there. This would continue until you cornered him and do not let him deflect. After this he would leave one more time, making you think you made a mistake leaving with him, but he would just use this time to think. He’d think about how you left with him and how Chuuya would've been so much more stable and healthy for you. When he got back he’d have flowers (he probably picked or stole) and confess that he’s been so cruel to you. Dazai may act like he's all confident but he's really showing his emotions here so although you can't tell what's off, you know.
It was really months of comforting each other. Dazai was horrible with comforting but after seeing that you would put yourself through this for him, he would try. He would hold you and used a lot of comedy. Telling you that you shouldn't worry, Chuuya hated him, not you and that he would stop his suicide attempts the day the hat rack hated you. He’d always receive a light punch to the shoulder with a teary giggle and that was good enough for him.
When it came to comforting him, sex was a huge one. Dazai loves having sex. If you let him fuck you till you couldn’t remember anything but his name and until his horrible thoughts were muffled by your cries he would be forever grateful. He’ll never admit it but he also appreciates the nights you just hold him. No talking. Just music playing and maybe a small, “It gets better.” as he’s half asleep from you playing with his hair.
His suicide attempts do not stop but they slow down. Dazai realizes that he asked you to leave with him and although he's selfish he's not that selfish. He doesn't want to leave you alone knowing you could have stayed at the Port Mafia with people (Chuuya) you knew.
Being in hiding was different for you but as long as Dazai was there, no matter how difficult he was, you knew you were happy with your decision. Your happiness was wherever he was. All Dazai could think was that the minute you could come out of hiding he would get you in contact with Chuuya, and that he loved you but it would be a long, long time before he even brought anything like that up. And that you would call him soft when he asked you out.
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An inside look at closeting & the industry, from a closeted celeb:
I’ll start by saying I did send this to H too (portrait of a larry on fire). I cannot submit a post so all I did was text him and is not sure he’ll see that.
I’m gonna start by saying that I do not claim to know what harry is going through nor am I saying that his situation and reaction to it is the same as mine. I am simply trying to share my own experience so maybe people wold learn to not have a very tight perspective toward thing or Maybe just be Okay with not knowing. Not having a clue is something that need to be normalized in this fandom. I’m a 24yo actress (I’m not based in the us or the uk. I mainly mostly only have a local following), I started when I was 13. I knew I was gay around 16, I didn’t tell anyone, not even my team, beside my family and close ones but I am the embodiment of every gay stereotypes and people really did not pick up on it early. Around 18+ interviewer started bringing up the are you seeing anyone questions and they didn’t stop even though my answers keeps being no, so I just said yes and that I’d rather keep it to myself once on a whim. My team then thought that coming out with the relationship who actually didn’t exist would be good promo et would expand my following and engagement since people love a good story and that he could set me up with someone. I didn’t tell my manager that I was gay but only that I didn’t want to do smtg that didn’t feel authentic, I knew coming out wasn’t an option at that time, and even if it was I didn’t want to have a bunch of stranger talking shit and discussing who I am and whether they’re ok with it or not, thinking abt it now I think not telling him was more that I didn’t want it to feel like closeting. I kept up with my I have a private relationship thingy thinking it’s gonna be enough to shut people up but it only stirred more questioning toward why is that keeping it a secret which led in some way to question mis sexuality. I told my agent who ofc told me that coming out was not an option, I was 20 ish at what you could call the heigh of my career (nothing like the boys ofc but enough in my country), and that it would ruin everything that we worked for and would get a lot of backlash. All of it was true but it still made me furious because it wasn’t fair, it never is for us, so I just refused and told him that would like to come out. I had told him that I was gay in private. And then a few days later I was in a meeting with my team, all of them in on it, I ofc expected it and had a whole plan, I feel very foolish thinking abt it now lol. But I gave them a whole scenario which was me coming out as gay and in a relationship confirming their speculation and that my then best friend which used to be seen with me could act as my gf for a bit, my manager straight up just laughed et they went on into a spiral of reason why me being gay was the problem not me being single and that I had to clear it out and it was just how it is. They didn’t coerce me into it, they didn’t force me but they did bring up every pressing reason why being me is not only not enough but a “scandal” of sort lol. They got me to actually “go out” with a dude, I talked abt him in interviews hhhhh. When I made a comment abt a female colleague they told me to tone it down hhh, my manger told me maybe letting my Hair grow would be a good idea (I ofc didn’t do that). People bought into the relationship, so the rumours around me kinda went off a bit. But it did shake me, like the people who knew me and who I worked with didn’t take it well, and I didn’t take that well so having even more people talk abt it scared me. I had to stunt, to talk abt my fake boyfriend, invite him to my birthday, make it look like he threw my birthday, talk abt how smitten I am with him, be affectionate with him in public. And believe me it was frustrating when it was happening, but I wouldn’t say I didn’t fell some kind of peace not having people talk abt how I could be gay and how is convenient and not convinent to some. I met someone midway through the stunt, who was understandable of the situation at first being also in the industry and knowing how fucked up it is. She started appearing in my friend circle so that people wouldn’t so much catch up on it if we were to ever be spotted alone, It was ok at first and then having to show off with my fake bf was starting to creat conflict in my actual relationship. I got to stage a “break up” for my then year long relationship, and they said that they needed drama so they made it like my dude cheated on me lol, he didn’t mind. It was ok at first, my team not even ever bringing up the fact that I was gay. It was ok at first, since I didn’t have to fake anything and when I was in a “relationship” they kinda laid off me having to tone it down, I went to an lgbtq parade and I was called an ally, and had a very public date with my bf a few days afterworlds. So ofc because of heteronormativity people didn’t associate my behaviors and how I was after my break up with queerness for a while because that was just who I was. My partner isn’t really out in a way that she never talked abt it publicly but had relationship with women she never denied but only refused to talk abt anything involving her private life. It was ok at first, I enjoyed the secrecy and the freedom and people not gossiping abt my relationship like before even though it was not real lol. Before people started picking up on me and my gf, her being a public persona didn’t help at all because spotting two “celebs” is easier then one. I had to kind of deny it saying that she was a grea friend, she did the same which she didn’t like one bit and kind off created a bit of tension in my relationship because she didn’t usually lie. They didn’t push me into doing that time at all, I had just enjoyed my privacy, not having people know abt everything in my life made me feel better in a way. It didn’t mean I didn’t spend some sleepless night thinking abt how this could be different, but the alternative felt better. As much as I wanted to be out because I know it would make a bit of a difference, I couldn’t not think abt the consequences of it. I am who I am everyday around the people I love and I am proud of it. People didn’t buy a lot into the great friends story. I didn’t care at first, I still do not give two shit if someone think I am gay because that’s who I am et it’s kind of nice to feel understood. I do not really care if some homophobic peace of shit make a comment abt it. It angers me how fucked up it is but I does not really affect me personally. It didn’t last long, because a producer legit told my agent that they might reconsider someone else for the role if we didn’t put this to rest, and that ofc they had “nothing against who I was but it wouldn’t be a good business decision”. And no I did not decide against the role, because I always wanted to work with some people there. They wanted to go for another stunt and I convinced them to try and just not be spotted with my gf anymore and only have her when my friends are around Which means we cannot actually risk hanging out publicly. Yes we do have the privilege of attending private parties, booking at table on the back of the restaurant, bringing the cater at home. But I cannot get a Starbucks with her, or go shopping, or just walk around in a crowded place lol. But this doesn’t mean we are miserable. It is not ideal. But for me it is better then the alternative. No we are not living a lie. There are things that we cannot do, but it is ok. I am not coerced into staying in the closet, but I am forced in a way. I have things I want to do in my life and it is not about how much money I want to make, or awards (though I am not necessarily hating on those, I would trade them for being able to be me without it affecting an important part of my life which is my job) but about being able to do what my job to the fullest without being limited. Can I just say fuck everything and come out. Ofc I can, no one is forcing me not to. Would I care abt what people we’ll say about me?? A bit because I’m only human, but I couldn’t care less abt a homophobic peace of shit. Would it make me loose some opportunities?? Ofc, and I don’t want that. As much as I want to be able to express myself to the fullest because I know being a public persona not matter how small gives you a sort of influence and would be a kinda voice to people in the community. I am not that brave, and I am allowed too. I do not want to be boxed, I want to achieve thing I know I wouldn’t be able to because of who I am. And I am also not ready to be that voice or influence people might see in me. People make it abt money and fame, but it’s not just that. We don’t have to just survive, we’re allowed to live and this is the cost of it now. Yes I do want to come out at some point since I wouldn’t want to keep lying for the rest of my life lol, even if it’s just on omission. But for me it’s still not the time. And it’s ok. People should learn to be a bit empathetic toward us even if we’re not coerced into it. Louis and Harry’s situation is veryyyyy very far more complicated then mine and there following is veryyyyyyyyy verry wider then mine which makes it even harder then me. And them being gay and proud doesn’t mean they need to announce it to the world right away and screw some if their carreer opportunities, people would argue they don’t care abt that but how do you know??? They try and be themselves as much as they can. My gf keeps arguing maybe H doesn’t think coming out is a good idea because L is still far behind, which is mainly projection because it’s what she actually think for herself. I don’t really care to know why are their not out yet. They’re adults that can make decision for themselves, the industry is ruthless, Homophobia is a thing, coming out can ruin your career. I support them because I feel for them not because I need them to be my gay parade. Normalise not having a clue. This all I have to say. I tried to be as vague as I can abt my situation, if you happen to recognize me which I highly doubt. Thanks for seeing me and keep it our secret. And to anyone reading, your support to any any queer celebs, however it is means a lot.
I am not saying it was never coercive when they were young, since I know how much control contract have over artists especially young ones who definitely did not have any counsel before signing it, and yes as much as it could be challenged it is not always and mostly not a good idea to do so. So you are in some way forced to live with it. I again do not claim to know their situation but I do not think they are foolish enough to sign another contract that would favor their closeting, but they do still have to deal with a sequel of their 1D years and again the world hasn’t changed, and the industry hasn’t change after 1D broke up. Both their situation are very tricky in a lot of ways and we just don’t know how. And they are now adults who seems to know how do deal with it and navigate it properly. Trust them to make the right decision for themselves. They don’t owe anyone anything.
You can choose whether to post this or not. Thank you.
First of all, thank you so much for sharing this. I think it’s very important that people see things from the perspective of someone living in a similar situation.
I just wanted to highlight some things you said:
People make it abt money and fame, but it’s not just that. We don’t have to just survive, we’re allowed to live and this is the cost of it now. Yes I do want to come out at some point since I wouldn’t want to keep lying for the rest of my life lol, even if it’s just on omission. But for me it’s still not the time. And it’s ok. People should learn to be a bit empathetic toward us even if we’re not coerced into it.
they are now adults who seems to know how do deal with it and navigate it properly. Trust them to make the right decision for themselves. They don’t owe anyone anything.
Again, thank you for sharing this dear. You were vague enough. I see you, I hear you. I’m wishing you all the best and sending you all the love <3. Thanks for trusting me to share a piece of your story.
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ok so this is a secret blog so i don’t expect anyone to be reading this (and if anyone is reading this, wtf??? leave). but just on the off chance someone stumbles across this i will include this content warning for me processing racism as a white person. and ofc my normal mental health issues and ptsd shit and bla bla bla
so i watched the interview with oprah and meghan and harry and it resurfaced some of the stuff i have been processing. with my old job. and weaponizing white tears basically.
because i have been really struggling with what happened. obviously. it’s all i have been thinking about for literally over an entire year. love ptsd. not.
basically i had a shitty boss who was my ex friend. i am white. she is a woman of color. she treated me like shit. when i talk about what happened to me, people outside of the organization are like wow that’s really fucked up. people inside of the org cut off contact with me. i THINK it’s because the org is a literal cult and i criticize the cult and obviously if you are in a cult then you can’t really accept criticism of the cult. also some people were her friend too so obviously they would side with the friend over me. idk.
but there’s part of me that is like??? maybe i did something racist??? and that’s why she was so rude to me??? or the thing that happened on the last day of the retreat?? was that racist???? i feel like i did something wrong and i don’t know what it is and that kills me.
like. i feel like what happened HAS to be my fault. because i can’t make heads or tails of why else the things that happened happened. and because i don’t know WHAT i did, maybe it was something racist that i just don’t see because i am white???? which is so............. i don’t even have the words.
but when i think back on some of the events of what happened, i could see how an outsider could think that i was weaponizing white tears and being manipulative and using mental health as an excuse...
i do not believe that is what happened.... but maybe it is..?
and i hate that, that wasn’t what was happening at all. but when abuse happens you feel like it’s your fault. it has to be your fault. news flash, marginalized people can be awful too. they aren’t a monolith and they aren’t always right about everything oppression related. granted, they are probably more likely to be right than a white person LOL, but there are plenty of problematic poc too.
it’s hard, because which of us had more power? we both held power in different ways. she was my boss, she was cis and straight. i was white.
what happened on the last day of the retreat wasn’t good. i know stepping away was a bad choice, but so was staying. i couldn’t win either way. i still stand by my choice: that i couldn’t participate in that activity. it was an awful thing as a white person to step out of. i will freely admit that. but i was literally having a ptsd flashback (that started the day BEFORE, not related to the activity), and i would’ve distracted people with my unrelated sobbing, and i would’ve gotten exactly ZERO out of the activity because my mind was literally not in the present. but they wanted my body there. idk how that was supposed to help. it was cruddy no matter what. i was happy to have that conversation at literally any other time just not during the midst of a flashback. but it is a one time event. i get that. it wasn’t fair on either side.
but i could see, if you were someone who didn’t realize i was literally in a flashback, that it would be wacky af to see me just skip that.
and that brings up the question of like??? which trumps the other?? a mental health crisis or a conversation on racism?? IDK. I guess that’s where I get stuck. i think a lot of white people can feign a mental health crisis to evade those conversations. and that’s really fucked up. and makes me look bad. that wasn’t what i was doing at all. but from the outside, how do you see the difference? my crisis was from something the previous day, but how would anyone know that? even i was at a loss for words. i mean, i was legitimately in a ptsd flashback, i didn’t exactly have the words for why i needed to go home at that moment.
and i thought maybe people could see that. like. i’m not advocating for a “free pass” or anything like that. but also i have the demonstrated history of having and facilitating these conversations. i speak up all the time, participate in a lot of these things. i’m not saying it’s enough. i’m not saying i’m a perfect ally. but idk there’s a difference between skating around issues all the time and walking out just one time.in fact i fully intended to ask others about what happened/ but in nicer words. i wasn’t trying to avoid the conversation, i was literally sick.
i hate that they did that to me. they didn’t really give me a good option. the best option was to let me go home. i was very very unwell. i wish i had asked the night before, but i didn’t realize how bad i was. i thought i could sleep it off. i couldn’t. what the hell. they talk about self care a whole lot yet they trigger a flashback and don’t let me take care of it?
then we did go home bla bla bla weekend happens and monday happens. and my boss is pissed about what happened. not for me, but for what i did. i can’t blame her. i knew it wasn’t a good look. and i couldn’t really articulate what was happening. so when she was yelling at me, i wasn’t really upset about the yelling and the tone. like i understood. well that’s not the right word. but what really got to me was the cruel things she said. it was personal attacks. not even about what had happened anymore. just attacks on who i was as a person. and truthfully i had not even fully come out of the flashback yet. in retrospect i should’ve stayed home that day, but i felt like i would be judged for that. so here i was, in a flashback, and this woman is kicking me when i’m already down. and that pushed me to the edge. i was inconsolable. they brought me to the hospital because i wanted to hurt myself
and this is the other place i’m stuck. like... was that me being manipulative?? was this me weaponizing my mental health? once again, what trumps what? i think she had a right to express her frustration with me. but i was still in a flashback! that’s not her fault either, and how would she have known that? but i think she still took it too far when she was saying things like everybody hates me, i’m a terrible person who has never done anything for anyone but myself, etc. and she used to be my friend, so it felt like she was targeting exactly where she knew it would hurt. so where is the line, i guess. i don’t want to tone police an upset woman of color, but it felt like this became something else entirely. like this was no longer about what happened the previous week before.
and it’s not true??? people didn’t hate me (or, idk, i guess she must’ve), and i did things for people all the time....
and once again i wish i had the language back then to better communicate what was happening. it would’ve helped me. and maybe some people would not have been so upset. i may not have been forgiven entirely and that’s ok, but at least i would’ve stood a better chance with some things
i try to think about it in another perspective. i am not saying racism and other forms of oppression are equivalent and can be switched out. i know this is not true. but for the purposes of my own processing exercise, i had to imagine, what would i feel if this were me. if we were having some sort of conversation about homophobia perhaps, and a straight person disappeared.
LMAO first of all that cult did not give a fuck about lgbt people anyway so it’s not even a realistic exercise.
ok well. truthfully.... i might be confused. maybe a little annoyed. i think i would give someone the benefit of the doubt. like idk... most people wouldn’t just leave to go fuck around for an hour (and those people who would are not relevant to this conversation). or i wouldn’t even notice they were gone.
there is one person i would notice actually. because i would probably keep looking over at her. because she was homophobic and was not exactly secretive about it. so of course i would want her there. and would probably be pissed if she wasn’t. but also i know she has a disability. and so if she had said “oh my disability is acting up” maybe i would be suspicious, but why not believe her? and yeah it would suck that she missed that conversation and all those testimonials. i would also probably check in with a few people to make sure she was caught up on the things that were said. not personal stories, but whatever else was said. i could see being truly very annoyed about it. i could see snapping at this girl maybe, not knowing what to believe (and i think that’s kind of ableist of me, honestly). but i can not imagine the conversation ever turning the way it turned on me. telling her that everyone hates her and she’s never done anything for anyone, etc. ???? what???????
and i wish i came up with another excuse. i mean i didn’t come up with any excuse, i just told the truth. but i wish i lied and said i was shitting my brains out or something. i feel like that would’ve been more acceptable, a physical illness isntead of a mental illness. like if i said i had stepped out because my bowels were exploding, could people be mad at me??? idk.. like would they want me to poop my pants to say my body was there? probably not. so what is the difference between diarrhea and ptsd?
and i hate that i dwell on that shit. working at that place was toxic as fuck, and i needed to quit. honestly, i had considered it a bit before that, and by the time my boss was calling me names, i was leaning further and further towards it. but i loved those kids. and so it was difficult for me to plant both feet firmly in that truth. maybe i would’ve gotten there sooner rather than later. but they fired me for having mental health problems. how truly fucked up, fired for having a ptsd flashback that THEY TRIGGERED WITH THEIR STUPID ACTIVITY THAT THEY KNEW WAS TRIGGERING! AHHHH! anyway back to the point. i hate that instead of being like “wow i wish i quit before it got to that point/ got that bad” all of my thoughts and my nightmares have been like “well if i did this instead of this, and if i had done xyz, then maybe they wouldn’t have fired me” i know leaving the org was so important, regardless of how it did happen. but my brain is still stuck on “how can i not get fired. what could i have done differently”
and the truth is probably nothing. like ok even if i had been the most angelic person ever that whole retreat (therefore no need for the follow up), i’m sure something else would’ve come up down the line. this wasn’t truly ~out of nowhere~, i had been gaslighted etc for the months prior.
(which reminds me how she said i was disengaged and disrespectful the whole retreat. what? if you just remove the mental health drama for a moment.... i led an activity, actively participated in another activity (about, gasp, racism), shared during a writing activity (where people complimented me, and one girl even came up to me crying telling me about how i impacted her) so yeah... so disengaged... (did you mean.... dissociated)... such a bad role model
also......... that cult is racist. not explicitly i guess. i mean they parade themselves as a social justice org. but.... the whole org reeks of white saviorism, and they def exploit labor of all of their “volunteers” but esp the marginalized ones. so idk why i care if these random white people think i’m racist when they clearly don’t have a grasp on their own. i don’t mean that in any “holier than thou” way, just.... i hate the way my brain works. in that i just crave acceptance so badly that i can’t even step back and be like “why even want these people”
submission: we need to talk about ttb (spade-riddles)
Hey Cam. Seeing that ask defending TTB’s doxxing has sort of pushed me to finally share some of my story on Tumblr, I guess. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk about this to anyone fully, so this will probably be long, but I hope you don’t mind me venting.
I’m one of the people that got emailed by TTB. I don’t feel comfortable posting this off anon, but I was in a Discord server with you and @bisluthq and some other people back in Dec/Jan. I don’t know if you remember me, but my name on there was one word and began with an L and ended with an S.
I want to share the full story, but I also don’t feel comfortable with sharing certain details publicly because I’m still very wary of getting outed further by her if she sees this, so I’m gonna be vague about some things
Request to her followers — If you see this, please don’t send this to her. Like I’m genuinely asking you not to because I don’t trust her not to cross any more lines. My dad is a major homophobe with serious anger issues who has literally been arrested for violence before, and she doesn’t really think carefully or maybe even care about how any actions she takes could lead to people being harmed, so I’m not eager to see how she might react.
Anyway, I first got an email back in December, and I was really freaked out by it at first. I spoke to one of my mutuals about it, and although we both agreed it was super weird and invasive and creepy, we ended up trying to see the funny side of it. So, I kinda just brushed it off and moved on. I was mainly just really confused about why I had been targeted because at the time, I thought it was only me who’d gotten an email like that. I didn’t understand why she’d specifically targeted me instead of other people who she clearly disliked a lot more.
About a week later, I saw someone on Tumblr mentioning a strange email, and I realised other people must have gotten them too. I spoke to Nat about what happened to me and ended up in the Discord
At the time, I felt like I’d gotten off really easy comparatively to others because I initially didn’t realise that she’d contacted anyone else. And so I tried to act chill about it because I didn’t want to make things about me, but honestly, I was extremely anxious. I felt on edge for over a week. I would keep checking her blog again and again because I was super worried that she would post our personal details publicly. I scrolled through my entire blog from start to finish and deleted a lot of posts that were either personal or that I just didn’t want anyone I knew in real life to read.
This part I have to be vague about because it would basically give away who I am, but it was only a while later when I thought I was in the clear that someone I knew in real life texted me and mentioned seeing a weird email about me. The email had been sent a while back, and they’d been shown it by the original recipient/s. Multiple people had been shown it, but luckily (kinda), only two of those people were actually people I saw on a regular basis
I’m mostly closeted, but I’m kind of technically out to a few of my immediate family members. But it’s very much a DADT situation because they’re not accepting, and they like to just pretend I’m straight. And so I basically have to act closeted even when I’m around them, and I can’t even ALLUDE to being gay.
But with my dad, it’s different. He’s very homophobic. I’m only gonna mention this next part so that people understand what kind of dangerous situation that TTB could have put me in. (And the other people that she doxxed too because she didn’t know how safe their individual situations were). It’s all really personal, and I wouldn’t ordinarily feel comfortable sharing any of this at all, even anonymously, but I think it needs to be said because her actions were extremely fucking irresponsible.
Right, so when I first “came out” to my dad, it was actually an accident, and he reacted… extremely badly. This was back in like… 2018 or 2019, I can’t remember the exact year
(TW // physical abuse, homophobia)
He was extremely angry, literally shaking. He yelled at me, he described in graphic detail how he was going to “break every bone in my body”, “strangle the life out of me”, “drown me”, etc. He kept telling me that I’m disgusting and going to Hell, you get the idea. He was having a lot of fun with making strangling motions and stabbing motions with his hands, and he kept slamming his hand onto the table. That went on for about 15 minutes, and then he stood up and threw a chair from the dining table at me. That was fun lol. And he punched me in the head pretty hard which kinda knocked me back. I felt dizzy, I had to sit down on the floor. At that point, my mum who had been crying and asking him to stop physically intervened, and he ended up storming out of the house instead. My mum’s a genuinely good person btw. She’s a little homophobic, but she cares about me a lot, and I’m very grateful for her. She hates him too, but she’s kinda stuck with him… It wasn’t her fault
He literally hates gay people. He complains about us on the regular. One time, he threw the remote at the TV and cracked the screen just because there was a gay male couple kissing onscreen. Another time, he threw a rock at a gay man on the street. There was also a time where he forced a few of my siblings (who didn’t want to do it) to throw peeled oranges out of the window at people celebrating pride while he drove past them and yelled insults at them. He found that really funny. Anyway, I’m sure you guys get the idea of what kind of person he is
He hasn’t laid a hand on anybody in several months though, so I do think he’s trying to be better at least. Like he’s still verbally abusive and controlling and awful, but I appreciate that he’s at least making an effort to calm down with the hitting and kicking and stuff
Anyway, with my dad, it’s less DADT and more that I think he’s got it in his head that he managed to scare me into “seeing the error of my ways” and that I’ve “stopped choosing to be gay” and that I’m now straight. So, if it had been HIM who had gotten that email, it would’ve been like… extremely bad. Like I’m getting anxious just thinking about it. And this is why I’m so angry at TTB. It was extremely, extremely irresponsible of her to not consider these kinds of possibilities before she sent out her stupid emails. She’s supposed to be an ally, but it didn’t even cross her mind that these emails would lead to people being outed and possibly even harmed?? It’s not okay at all. I’m just very grateful that she didn’t send one to him because I don’t even know what kind of situation I would be in right now.
Anyway, enough about my fucking awful dad… I feel uncomfortable that I even typed all of that out, but I wanted people to understand how dangerous her actions could have been. Like I mean, my dad’s got PTSD and extreme anger issues from his teenage years, so I do try not to judge him TOO harshly, but there’s no excuse for being a huge bigot or occasionally violent. The idea of him being the one who got that email is still so scary to me. Like my heart is racing just thinking about it
One of the people that DID read the email was the male friend I mentioned earlier though. He was shown it by someone else for a particular reason, and he was a very important person to me. Like he was a good guy, we were close, he helped me out with certain personal issues I have and is one of only two people that I know in real life that I felt comfortable confiding in about them. We’d always meet up once a week, sometimes twice, and we’d just talk about stuff and make an effort to help each other out with things. Like he was very important to me.
It turns out that he’d looked through my blog before I’d got around to scrubbing it, and he asked me if I was gay in person the next time we met up. I couldn’t lie because like… he’d have known I was lying right to his face. So, I told him I was, and you should have seen his face. It made me feel so awful about myself. He looked really stunned and shocked and kinda uncomfortable. Like it got so awkward, and I started rambling and making things worse. He was avoiding eye contact, and my voice was shaking.
I ended up making up an excuse to leave about 5 mins later and had an actual anxiety attack. Again, this is embarrassing and something I’d never usually talk about online, but I just want to get it all off my chest so that I can move past it all.
So, I was like on the verge of tears (I don’t cry easily), I couldn’t breathe properly, I was pacing around the building, and I just wanted to escape, so I headed straight for the doors. There was a queue of about 100 people lined up and waiting to leave, and I couldn’t think straight or breathe and just needed to be outside, so I tried to go out through the other exit which is for staff only. The security guard stopped me and basically publicly humiliated me in front of all of those people. He loudly shamed me and said I “didn’t have any decency” for attempted to jump the queue, lectured me in this really condescending tone, and then sent me right to the back of that huge line. Meanwhile, I was literally in the midst of a bad anxiety attack.
And then I eventually got outside and had to call my mum to come and pick me up instead of just making my own way home like I usually do. She’s amazing though tbh because she actually came to get me and didn’t even question why. I had to skip all of my plans for the rest of the day and instead just hid upstairs in my bedroom with the lights off until the next day. I refused to tell any of my family members what had happened even though they kept asking. I just felt so, so awful, and my anxiety was through the roof
To be honest, before that happened, my mindset was like: “I mean, if I get outed, it obviously wouldn’t be good, but I think I’d be able to deal with it fine”. But then, when it actually happened, and I saw the way my close friend reacted, I had like a whole emotional breakdown lol. It’s like, you think you’d be fairly chill in a situation, but when it actually happens, your reaction can be really unpredictable. I was so embarrassed by everything about that entire incident. I didn’t even want to show my face the next day.
It’s been almost two months since that happened, and in that entire time, my friend has contacted me once. We literally used to meet up once or twice a week (and during lockdown, we’d do video calls or phone calls instead), but since then, we’ve barely even spoken. Things are just so awkward now. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like TTB’s taken one of my best friends away from me. I don’t think he’s a homophobe or anything, he has openly gay friends and is fairly accepting, but I think it’s just the way that he found out that has just made things so weird between us now. I feel like if I’d had the chance to come out to him myself in my own way, he wouldn’t have reacted like that. But I’m gonna text him next week and see if we can maybe try to fix our friendship, but I doubt it at this point
The other people who were shown the email, I mostly just avoid. I don’t really care about them knowing that much because I wasn’t close to them, but it’s just really embarrassing knowing that they probably scrolled through my Tumblr blog before I scrubbed it
And about Tumblr… This used to be the only place that I could fully be myself. It was like a “safe space” for me which feels ironic now. But I haven’t been active on my blog since December. I still lurk occasionally, but I just don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I did consider deleting my current blog and starting afresh with a new one, but I don’t think it’d make much of a difference… Like she’s kind of ruined Tumblr for me. I do still enjoy reading people’s blogs every now and then, but I don’t feel relaxed here anymore, I just feel on edge.
It’s mainly the fact that SHE’S still here. She still has a platform, she still has a bunch of followers. It’s been so hard seeing her face next to no consequences whatsoever for the horrible things that she’s done to so many different people. And it upsets me that she hasn’t even acknowledged that what she did was wrong. Plus, it makes me feel even worse that the Hard Kay blogs and some other people are still supporting her and pretending that this whole thing just didn’t happen. Like do they just not care? Or is it that she’s twisted things and made them believe that the situation was different to what it actually was?
And tbh, this whole situation has even set me back in my own sort of personal self-acceptance journey. I had such bad internalised homophobia when I was younger, and it took me so many years to get to a place where I had mostly accepted myself. But now I just feel ashamed again, and I’ve gone back to my old habit of trying to force myself to be attracted to men. Like I downloaded Tinder the other day and set my preference to men and was swiping through profiles. It’s kinda silly actually. I did snap out of it and delete the app the next day though. But I don’t know, I feel like this whole thing has just kinda fucked with me a bit. I am trying to work this stuff out and get back to normal though. I think I’ll be good again in maybe a month or so, hopefully.
And… yeah. I just really resent her, and this situation upsets me. Because the reason she did this was so petty and ridiculous, and I guess she didn’t even realise how much it would impact people? Like I do know that my situation wasn’t as bad as some of the other people’s situations, and I feel really bad for them, and I hope they’re all doing okay. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for them. But it still has impacted me a lot more than I actually thought it would. I thought I’d get over it within a couple of weeks. But it’s been like two months, and I’m still not completely over it
I know it might not sound like a huge thing, but being outed really does affect you, even if it’s only to a few people. Because to me, I feel like I’ve had my sense of like, security and comfort taken away, and it’s kinda distressing. Sorry if I sound dramatic with any of this, I just really needed to say all of this stuff to other people besides myself lol
Like her actions have literally led to me being outed to a few people. A close friendship that I had has basically been ruined. I don’t feel comfortable or secure on Tumblr anymore, even though it used to be an important outlet for me. I’ve had a resurgence of anxiety about my sexuality. Etc.
And again, my dad is extremely homophobic and literally made death threats to me and physically attacked me back when I accidentally came out to him in 2018 or 2019. And if he had gotten that email, I don’t even know what would have happened. I don’t think he would have like… SERIOUSLY physically harmed me, but there would definitely have been a repeat of the first incident. More throwing chairs at me and hitting and screaming and death threats. I don’t really want to think about it.
It just bothers me that she didn’t even consider that? Like did it not even cross her mind? And my dad is bad, but I’m sure there are people in the fandom who have even worse parents, and she could have got one of those people instead. It’s just so… I don’t know, it’s just so frustrating to me.
Anyway, I just hate her for what she did… Like maybe I shouldn’t, but I really do resent her so much, and I don’t think I could forgive her even if she apologised to us all (which I don’t think she even would because she doesn’t seem to have any decency whatsoever). The least she could do is at least express some kind of remorse, but she just genuinely doesn’t care, and that’s super messed up. All over some stupid Tumblr blog that is much less important than she thinks it is.
But anyway… I apologise for the whole rant, and if anybody read all the way down to here, I appreciate it. I do actually feel a bit better now that I’ve got this all typed out. And I’m sorry for the oversharing lol, I usually don’t do this, but I just felt like I really needed to tell people and get it off my chest so that I can try to get over it — L
ok L i am trying to remain calm here because this isn’t about me. but i am very emotional right now. i am so so so infinitely sorry that you had to go through this harrowing and terrifying experience. ttb (now blogging under spade-riddles) is absolutely disgusting, lower than dirt, that she would put your life, safety, and well-being at risk over a fucking kaylor blog.
please please please im me or get in touch somehow because i want to offer you support. have you been financially impacted by this? we can raise money. do you need therapy? we can help you find the support you need. this community is unequivocally here for you. whatever you need, if it’s in my power to help you get it, i will. you have my solemn promise on that.
i am so deeply and desperately sorry that you have gone through this. i was shaking while reading your story.
i am in touch with other people and we are in discussion about the best way to let tumblr know what happened. this will be a safe space for you (and all of us) again if it’s the last thing i do. this community is 100% here for you in any way we can help, sending you all the support and love we have.
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in which nano rewatches their comfort show, ep. 10
oh joy oh happy day my cup runneth over let there be much rejoicing for finally this show has blessed us with not just one new named Decepticon but TWO new named Decepticons AND neither one dies in their introductory episode AND they become recurring characters AND they’re both a lot of fun and I love them.
meet Knock Out and his boyfriend Breakdown:
(warning: this is gonna be even more incoherent than usual)
first, Knock Out. Knock Out rocks.
he's bright red, unlike most cons who're silver and/or purple
he fights with this awesome electric staff thingy and he does BACKFLIPS
and! he's a doctor. yes. yes. excellent. moar Decepticon doctors pls
he's called in because Megatron is still lying half-dead on a table and
Starscream: Megatron has been like this for some time, but the crew took a vote and it was decided that an expert might put him on the road to recovery.
The implications of this one throwaway line are fucking.
1. Voting? Voting is a thing Decepticons do now? Because uhh that sure hasn’t been the case in the past. The Decepticon army has not, in any iteration, been a democracy. Nor have the Predacons; in BW, Dinobot makes a point of informing everyone that voting is the stupidest thing ever.
2. Starscream lets them vote??? And abides by the result of that vote, even though he really wants Megatron dead? Holy shit. Another one in the ‘Starscream is better at his job than Megatron’ column I guess.
(And the guys he referred to as ‘drones’ in episode 1 MUST be sentient if they can not only vote but can persuade their commander to listen to them. So I guess Screamer was just being rude. But like, a rude boss who actually listens to your demands is way better than a polite boss who won’t. #votestarscream2024)
Okay, so there’s that, but that’s not even the most severe psychic damage this one scene inflicts on me, no, that happens when….
Alright, uhh. Sit down. We need to have a talk. There’s something we need to address before we go any further.
I love this show, okay? And I love Starscream, okay? The criticism I am about to deploy comes from a place of love.
Starscream is one of the most blatant villainous queers I have ever seen in a children’s cartoon.
(If you’re not familiar with the villainous queer archetype and its history, go do some reading because I’m not getting paid enough to educate your ass, I’m here to talk about giant space robots.)
And btw this is not a particularly bold or controversial statement, lots of other people have noticed this shit. Here’s a real quick summary of all the most obvious stuff;
He’s the most ‘feminine’-looking robot, even more than Arcee, yknow the actual robot who is a lady. His robot feet are, get this, shaped like stiletto heels and are literally referred to as stiletto heels by a good guy who is mocking him (a good guy I HATE but we will get to that later ohhh yes we will)
His yelps and shrieks of fear or pain are high-pitched and clearly meant to come across as ‘girly’.
Constant use of exaggerated body language and physical gestures.
He’s sly, sneaky, insidious, and evil, but also cowardly, weak, ineffective, and, in later episodes, incompetent.
He’s EMOTIONAL. Like. Really, really emotional.
In combat situations, he prefers to attack from a distance.
He’s constantly compared and compares himself to Megatron, who is like the ultimate robot alpha male with his big triangular torso and beefy arms and who loves to fight more than he loves to lead tbh.
aaaand we’re not even going to get into all the megascream ship-bait stuff, we’d honestly be here all day.
So yeah. Villainous queer.
That doesn’t mean I don’t think he’s a good character – I think he’s a GREAT character, probably the best in the show and easily the most enjoyable
but. the writers and the designers knew what they were doing and what they were doing is something that is sometimes just noticeable and sometimes annoying and sometimes extremely gross.
and then there's Knock Out.
here’s the thing. Knock Out is also queercoded.
again, this is not a novel observation, this is something other TF fans have observed and commented on.
Knock Out is vain as hell, it's like his #1 character trait. He’s constantly talking about his appearance, how handsome he is and how much work he does to stay handsome. (His name MEANS good-looking for pete’s sake) He’s heavily implied to be in a relationship with his partner, Breakdown (and in the comics they’re an actual canon couple). In this episode, he sees Optimus Prime in vehicle mode and drives up to him and says
Knock Out (in the flirtiest voice you have ever heard): *wolf whistle* Sweet rims. Twenty-four gauge? You’re reallll heavy duty.
GO LISTEN TO THIS SCENE. LISTEN TO IT. IT IS AMAZING.
plus, there’s his introductory scene in this episode, in which…
stick with me
in which it is revealed that Starscream is carphobic.
I’m not joking.
Knock Out: It was a long drive, Starscream. I’m still picking bugs out of my grill.
Starscream: Yes, right... you’re one of those.
Like. Just watch the scene, okay, watch the scene and listen to the voice acting and tell me that your first thought isn’t ‘wait is Screamer doing a homophobia on the car robot??’
like, that would be weird enough. 'Being a car is to Decepticons what being gay is to humans', that’s….hrrrnn. okay. Iffy, but I guess I can kinda see the seed of a decent idea in there? somewhere?
a. it barely comes up ever again. Knock Out gets one microaggression from Starscream upon his arrival and that’s it. no one else gives him shit, he’s treated exactly like any other decepticon, he never feels ashamed of being a car or angry that people try to make him ashamed of being a car. We're not given any lore about why most decepticons are planes while most autobots are cars. It’s just. never dealt with in any meaningful way. which is annoying!
b. IT’S STARSCREAM. STARSCREAM. BEING THE METAPHORICAL HOMOPHOBE.
Starscream, who is even more queercoded than Knock Out AND who, frankly, comes off like a homophobic caricature now and then.
so we have a situation where the gay robot is depicted as subtextually homophobic against the other gay robot. i guess.
tldr this scene is weird as fuck and I have no idea what it’s trying to do. it feels like it's trying to do something. maybe they realized they'd made Screamer more of a villainous gay than they'd intended, so they added another villainous gay to make him stand out less (also, at the very VERY end of the series Knock Out does become a sort-of good guy so he's 10% less villainous than Screamer)
all my rambling aside; I love Knock Out. He’s a fantastic addition to the cast and i have more interesting things to say about him in later, better episodes.
Oh, and I guess Breakdown’s also here.
SORRY sorry I love Breakdown too.
It’s just that.... there’s not quite as much to say about him at this point?
He starts out as a pretty standard big strong violent guy with a hammer for a hand who happens to be Bulkhead’s sort-of nemesis. He’s also Knock Out’s bff and hey! Decepticons being friends! That’s another thing I wish happened more often!
And…. shit, I guess this episode has a plot too? Not a great one. the autobots find out about an ancient autobot weapon that was hidden on earth for some stupid reason and the decepticons want it too, and there’s a scene where bulkhead and breakdown fight next to some ancient greek ruins and a scene where the kids break into a museum and
ehh. Whatever. Let's watch Breakdown yeeting Bulkhead.
oh and at the end screamer gets punched in the face lol
in conclusion: carphobia
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Thoughts on 11x06
I had to come back to type this after the episode. I was gonna wait to post until more people are active but everyone’s safety is more important than notes. This was really hard for me to watch. It took me two hours because I kept needing a break. It’s a tough one yall. It’s heartbreaking and really brought out issues I didn’t know I was still dealing with until I reacted so badly to some stuff. Take care of yourselves and I’m here if you need to talk. I’ll have timestamps for major tws in another post coming right after this. I just gotta go back and get the end of those scenes. I only go the time they started.
Okay. So. There’s some trigger warnings that I’ve reblogged earlier. This recap WILL have thoughts about those triggers. If you think you’ll be triggered just message me or send me an ask and I’ll give you the non triggering recap. Stay safe please.
Kev and v intro. They’re having sex behind the bar
I’m extremely nervous for some reason I might not be able to get through this
LIP CALLS HIM MICK
Mickey is unimpressed
Lip telling Mickey what to do yes please
Fucking Mickey omg
HE LOOKS SO GOOD
THE WAY HE SAYS BRAD
Again Mickey is unimpressed
MICKEY CONCERNED ABOUT LIPS SOBRIETY
AGAIN I SAY LICKEY RIGHTS
Frank is falling the chick he’s boning Monica
Not sure that’s her real name
Wait yeah it is
Frank??? Has to get to work???
Wait her name isn’t Monica
Oh shut now I get what’s happening
“Can I speak to Pope Francis please” LIAM 😭
Lip cooking breakfast. Hot.
I forgot about camis baby
I actually beep bad for lip and Tami
We already heard this argument with Mickey and Ian get new material writers
PINK BOX HES SO CUTE
HE LOOKS SO CUTE GOTTA SQUEEZE HIM PLS
Yeah don’t tell Carl that traitor
MICKEY BROUGHT DONUTS PLS
HES SO CUTE
ITS TOO MUCH
I LOVE HIM
THAT MEANS MICKEY TOO BYE
CARL CALLING HIM MICK TOO PLS
I CANT TAKE IT
Poor Liam he’s terrified
“I was hoping the fucker would just die” :(
Shut up Debbie
Mickey is beautiful
Leave Mickey out of it debbie goddamn
I cant fucking stand her
Frank just observing his kids and smiling
SHUT UP DEBBIE
OH MY GOD HIS LAUGH IS THIS WHAT YOU HEAR WHEN YOU FIRST GET TO HEAVEN????
“And the smartest” lol
Someone save Liam
“I want Sandy”
We all do kid
Fucking manipulative little I CANT STAND DEBBIE
Sandy deserves better
I hate the Milkovichs!!!!
How did smart sensitive sweet beautiful loving Mickey come from this disgusting family????
MICKEY IS THE BOSS
My heart hurts so him
“Homo sexy” dear god
Mickey is too good he deserves so much better
I love him so much
Let him be happy
Mickey has the biggest heart
They’re actually talking and not fighting
You’re so funny and smart and beautiful don’t forget that baby
And no one is fazed lmao
“He’s actually my uncle and my dad” I fucking hate this show
I forgot Carl makes legit money now
Wtf kinda school is this
This is so fucked up
The twins are so adorable
SHUT UP DEBBIE
“You guys” I hate that but also she’s acknowledging Mickey as “hers” and he’s family :(
Okay this horrifying comment
I hate that it’s just nonchalant
Debbie just keeps talking.
Let’s move on
Mickeys face when she says “butt naked”lmao
LIP CALLING HIM MICK AGAIN
“Talk to you for a minute?”
I LOVE IT
Mickey is unimpressed by lip once again and I’m smiling
They love each other they’re secretly best friends ITS A FACT
HAND SHAKE SO CUTE
“Blue like my balls” fucking frank lol
They’re going in on Frank’s storyline now
Boss Mickey at it again
The way his face falls im sick
My heart is racing
Mickeys face is breaking my heart
Great now I’m crying
Mickey got emotional
Ian sensed it and touched his neck all fucking sweet
Okay I had to take a little break because I started crying
I love him too much
Fucking Noel is so damn good
My heart is fucking breaking
“Frank’s not a homophobic psychopath who tortured you for years”
Please Mickey deserves better
I don’t wanna hear any Ian slander either.
In this house we protect my son and my son in law I will fight you
“Let’s get the fuck outta here. Lip you coming?” 😭
That was so hard to watch yall. I’m not gonna lie to you. My parents weren’t half as shitty as terry but growing up feeling unloved your whole life fucks you up anyway and that brought out some emotions and feelings I didn’t realize I still dealt with. I had to pause for a good while and cry.
Leave Sandy alone debbie
Terry is disgusting
Okay the homophobic language he uses is definitely triggering so I’ll time stamp that too
Debbie you selfish bitch
Everyone leaving terry outside it’s a yes from me
I honestly can’t concentrate on the other scenes now I’m sorry y’all
I try to cover everyone’s scenes but it’s hard for me today
I’m not okay
Liam is too innocent poor kid
MICKEY LIP AND IAN THE BEST TRIO
We need more scenes
I PAUSED TO TYPE AND THE FUCKING LOOK HES GIVING HIM STOP
Mickey is beautiful
MY BABY BUSINESS BOSS MAN I LOVE YOU
he really hasn’t called him Philip the entire episode wtf
Now I want fries
Carl is cringy
Mickey drove them home and pulled a gun
Honestly again another heartbreaking scene
Ian’s trying to make him stop
Terry is disgusting and also a coward but we’ve been knew
Noel is the most amazing
Mickey gets teary but doesn’t cry bc I cried enough for the both of us
He’s the strongest bravest ever and I’m so proud of him
I need a hug
My heart hurts so much y’all
I just want him to be happy
I’m a fucking mess
I can’t handle Lip being emotional too
Oh I thought lip wanted to sell the house for himself only but at least they all get their share
Horrible music choice
I wanna tuck Mickey in with his favorite tv show on(911) make him his favorite food to eat in bed and not let anyone but Ian around him for a good 72 hours
The way Ian is looking at him
“Would you take care of me if I was paralyzed?”
“Top you whenever I wanted” “asshole”
His smile is back that’s all I need in life
MICKEY IS TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD
RIP DOWN THAT FLAG YES BABY
“That was big of you” “he’s an asshole...I wanna be better than that”
WHEN I TELL YALL I LOST IT I MEAN FULL ON SOBBING
YOURE ALREADY A THOUSAND TIMES BETTER THAN THAT PIECE OF SHIT
YOURE SO KIND AND BRAVE AND BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT
Ian’s like “back of the head? Gotta grab and hold my boy”
“You are so much better than that” IAN MY SWEET SON IN LAW I LOVE YOU THANK YOU FOR LOVING OUR BOY SO WELL
IAN IS THE MOST SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND
V spitting truth
I want terry to fucking suffer
Don’t do it frank
Frank loves his son in law
Sandy I love you
I need to hold her
No debbie I LOVE HER
NO SANDY LOVE ME INSTEAD
DEBBIE DOESNT DESERVE YOU
Carl scene was so awful I feel so bad for him this girl is a fucking psycho
That was an actual rape scene what the fuck
Mickey making frank laugh
Debbie explaining? Really?
I hate her
“How long is this gonna take? I’m fucking starving Lip” WHY WONT YOU CALL HIM PHILIP
“We could get on with our lives” well that hurt more than it should’ve
It’s really the end soon huh? 😢
According to captions Ian says “we’re in”
Frank reads his diagnosis
Carl goes to report his rape
That took me nearly two hours to watch. Yeah I usually pause to type but I had to take long breaks after the hard scenes. It was a really hard episode to watch. A lot darker than it has been. I’m not really okay right now. It was emotional but a really good episode overall.
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A part 3 to homophobic rookie? I've just been rereading and rereading the first 2 lol. Its just so good!
Aww, thank you! I’m genuinely surprised by how many people enjoyed those oneshots--I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about Tanner recently and figured it was time to sprinkle some redemption in there. Sweater Weather credit goes to @lumosinlove, but Tanner is mine!
Part 1 Part 2
Tanner had never been to a team party before. Looking back, he could understand why—nobody wanted assholes bringing down the mood. Dumo’s house was nice and his family was adorable; the Lions really were like a family, which made the contrast to his position even clearer.
He knew he was still on thin ice with the guys. Cap and Loops didn’t bring up the elephant in the room, but he could feel the prickling stares on the back of his neck every time an interviewer approached him after a game. The few invitations he had received to hang out with everyone had been tentative at best.
Kasey had given him a true goalie stare when he told Tanner about Adele Dumais’ birthday party, making unblinking eye contact with him as he outlined the basic information. Bring a gift, a smile, and a good attitude, or we’ll end you then and there was the underlying tone of that conversation.
Tanner hoped Adele enjoyed her book. She looked quite happy, running around the backyard with her siblings and friends in tow as the adults milled around and chatted. Dumo said she liked butterflies, so he’d found a science book that seemed age appropriate. He knew nothing about fourteen-year-old girls.
“Hey, Chase, what’s up?” Talker handed him a diet coke and leaned on the wall a few feet away. The distance hadn’t let up, either.
“Not much, man. Neat party. I’d better go find Bliz and thank him for the invite, eh?”
Tanner hesitated for a moment. “I’m—I’m really sorry about what I said earlier, by the way.” Talker took a long drink of pepsi. “In the workout room.”
“No, I know what you’re talking about.”
“It was stupid of me.”
“And I’m working on it. I’ve been working on it since you guys called me out. Cap and Loops earned that respect.”
“…do you accept my apology?”
“I’m not the one you need to talk to, Chase.” He finished his drink and straightened up. “Have you actually looked them in the eyes and apologized?”
“Not yet,” Tanner admitted.
“You should. Enjoy the party.”
Tanner watched him recycle his can before sweeping a young boy with floppy brown hair into the air, turning him upside-down until he gasped with giggles. Cap laughed so hard he had to lean on the table, but his smile dimmed when he looked up and saw Tanner looking over. Fuck. Tanner quickly glanced away and sipped his coke.
A shadow stretched across the grass to his left. “You came,” Loops remarked without looking at him. He waved to the young boy as Talker set him down.
“Bliz invited me.”
“If you want me to leave—”
“That’s not my call.” He took a bite of birthday cake from the butterfly paper plate. “This is Adele’s party. If Dumo didn’t think you could handle yourself, he wouldn’t have let you through the front yard.”
“I’m sorry.” The words came out easier than Tanner expected. Loops hummed. “Loops—”
“You can call me Remus, you know.” There was no mockery in his voice; it caught Tanner a little off-guard.
He cleared his throat. “Remus, I’m sorry for being an idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot, you were just rude and presumptive. It wouldn’t have been as bad if you were an idiot.”
“I’m sorry for making assumptions about you and your boyfriend.”
“Fiancé,” Tanner corrected. “I’m sorry for making homophobic comments as well. It was out of line and I should have known better.”
Remus nodded and turned to face him. “Alright. Apology accepted. Don’t do it again, yeah?”
“Got it.” Tanner’s mouth was dry, but he let out a slow breath. “Thank you.”
Remus seemed surprised by that. “You’re welcome. I’m glad you’re working on it. Wingers need to stick together, right?”
Tanner nodded silently and Remus left; Cap was walking around with the boy from earlier on his feet, taking huge steps until Remus tapped him on the elbow. Tanner’s stomach dropped to his feet as Cap glanced over to him. There was something about his eyes, so pale against his dark hair, that was almost like a spotlight on every mistake Tanner had made.
He swallowed, and did not look away.
Sirius said something to the boy, who let go of his hands and ran off to get more cake as he dragged Remus along by the hand. “Cute kid,” Tanner said when Sirius walked over to him.
“Jules, the younger Lupin.” Fondness washed across his face for a moment and Tanner relaxed; Cap didn’t seem like the type to start yelling at a birthday party. “What’s up?”
“Re said I should talk to you.”
“Oh.” For someone who wasn’t intending to talk to anybody unless absolutely necessary, Tanner was really making the rounds. “I’m sorry.”
Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Are you?”
“I am. Honestly, I am so sorry for making you feel like you couldn’t be yourself. I made hurtful comments to your closest friends, which was a dick move and also homophobic. You deserve respect regardless of who you love and—and looking back, it’s so stupid that I thought your relationship was any of my business.”
Sirius paused for a moment. “Feel better?”
“Yeah, actually. Holy shit.” Tanner ran a hand through his hair. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.”
“I can tell.” He cocked his head to the side. “Apology accepted. You’re what, nineteen?”
“In a month, yeah.”
“You’ve got a lot of living ahead of you. Don’t stop thinking and you’ll be fine.”
Tanner met his gaze. “Thanks for…everything. It would have been really easy for you to be a dick, but you weren’t.”
“Being a dick doesn’t win games. Building a team does. Have you had any cake yet?”
“Celeste made it. You should have some before the kids blow through it.” Sirius clapped him on the shoulder before heading back to the main group. “See you around, Tanner.”
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Fate: Winx the Saga from someone who didn’t watch Winx Club
My friend made an actually GOOD post about this as someone who IS just a massive dork about Winx Club. So for a fans perspective here ya go :3 https://alric-usami.tumblr.com/post/641430679160340480/in-defense-of-fate-the-winx-saga show’im some love :3 Also unlike my friend this isn’t spoiler free. So, if you haven’t seen Fate and wanna give it a shot don’t read under the cut and if you didn’t watch Fate and you read it anyway... don’t get mad at me <_<
Now, if you’re still here, you’ve decided you don’t care about spoilers, you’ve seen the show, or haven’t seen the show and you’re stubborn <_<. Regardless, time for an opinion that doesn’t matter 😊.
I watched all 6 episodes and gotta say that I... Actually really enjoyed it :3. I understand the complaints, the lack of diversity... kinda sucks. It’s 2021 c’mon now >_> but everything else I liked watching 😗 Though I DO wish Bloom being a Changeling was revealed later. Rather than... ya know.... the first episode. That being said, DID really like when she called her mom and dad the second time. It was a sweet moment ☺️. I’ll get more into that later :3
Now, let’s get into the nitty gritty shall we? :3
I didn’t have any expectations going in. I hadn’t seen Winx and all I knew about it, even as I write this, I got from the above mentioned friend. I knew nothing is my point lol. So, looking at it as a show rather than an adaptation, I REALLY enjoyed it. It had nice visuals, acting was solid all round, music was a little cliche at times but I still liked it 😗
SO as previously mentioned, Bloom is a changeling. And also like I said I wish that revelation had been made a little later, but I also like how the season went over all so... Hmm... Conflicted. Bloom’s turmoil after finding out the truth, I thought, was handled very well. I’m sure some people would say she like... was bitchy and closed off. Which she was 🤷🏻♂️ But fuckin... She’s 16 .-. Of course she’s gonna lash out >_> And also even if she WASN’T 16... She’s still finding out the people who raised her aren’t really her parents ._. Anyway, speaking of her parents, we don’t know her parents well, but I still liked them ^_^ They had a pretty good amount of sweet moments with Bloom. Like the aforementioned 2nd call scene. The one where she went back to her house and watched them? It was a very sweet talk and I loved it 🙂. Verdict: Bloom, and her parents, good 😗 :3
Aisha, loved her and how her friendship with Bloom went ^_^. They had their rough spots, but at the end of the day they were still by each other’s side. And that’s what friendship’s about :3 Having their back even when you disagree with them 🙂 And even WHEN Bloom was being standoffish and secretive, Aisha made the effort to say “Hey. You can talk to me about anything. You know that right?” And you can tell it’s heartfelt and just ;-; ya know? :3 Though, admittedly, was a little iffy when she snitched to Farah but it worked out 😗. ALSO! Her protecting Bloom while she transformed? First of all, amazing sequence 😁 Second of all, that scene showed that even if Bloom is being reckless and, well, a main character lol, Aisha will have her back. And if you don’t have a best friend who’ll support you even when you’re acting like a Fantasy Main Character, what’s the point >_> Also side note, I LOVED that transformation sequence so much? I really like how they did it. I like that it didn’t... well... feel like a cartoon. Because like this ISN’T a cartoon. An over the top transformation LIKE an animation woulda been outta place and weird .-. Anyway, Verdict: We stan Aisha here :3
Terra. Oh Terra I just... Adore her ☺️ she’s so so so cute and sweet ^_^ She doesn’t deserve how Dane treated her >_> I’ll get to Dane in a little bit. But yeah Terra is just adorable. How can you NOT like her? She’s an adorable bad ass. Who doesn’t love an adorable bad ass :3 Verdict: Terra gets a million hugs from me :3
Stella. I’m not gonna lie, I was fully ready for Stella to be a stereotypical mean girl and was disappointed when it looked like that was the route they were going. But then they gave Stella ✨depth✨. Which we love to see ^_^. Stella surprised me with how much I ended up liking her. Stella was taught that negative emotions are all that matter in magic, which obviously isn’t true, but her mother is an arrogant bitch who only sees power >_> When Stella was telling Musa the story of how she blinded Ricki, she said that it was an accident and she didn’t mean to, but her mother thought it was better for her if everyone thought it was on purpose. Because “At least if it was on purpose, I wasn’t weak.”. So Queen Luna sucks <_< Which I know isn’t the case in the cartoon but in this she does. I actually like that they SHOWED that kind of strained relationship.
I saw it as kind of a foil to Bloom’s relationship with HER mother. Bloom and her mom had a somewhat negative relationship too, because Bloom wanted to stay inside and was pretty reclusive, mood, which her mom didn’t like so she tried to force her to go out. But the difference between Vanessa and Luna is that Vanessa DOES care about Bloom and listened to her. Luna, even when Stella TRIED to tell her a feat she considered great, blinding the Burned One, which IS great and awesome ^_^ But the Queen still wasn’t impressed. Verdict: Stella had a rocky start, but I love her now :3.... And Queen Luna... Not so much >_> She’s a bitch and not even like... a fun bitch <_< Although the revelation that because Luna and Stella are both Light fairies they can “control what people see” was not something I considered and it was REALLY cool.
Musa! I... Kinda resonated with Musa a lot actually. I may not have empathic powers that let me feel people’s emotions, but I know what she went through with her mom. My mom is still alive, thankfully, but she could’ve died from a stroke had I not acted. It was 2 years ago now, but I still think about what could’ve happened. And it’s noooot fun >_>. Anyway, back to Musa. Musa being an empath is something I really enjoyed. Honestly, I think I’d prefer empath!Musa over sound!Musa even if the latter is closer to canon. I just think Musa is an awesome character ^_^. I also loved how she steeled herself and helped Sam with the Burned One infection. That was honestly beautifully done. She may not be the most useful in a fight, but you don’t have to fight to be a bad bitch that’s what I say 😙. Verdict: Musa is a kin character :3
Beatrix. This bitch.... I adore her she’s so FUCKING cool! I love a good villain, if you’ve stumbled across my page before you know that lol, and Beatrix ticks everything I need to be character to add to my stan list. Watching her do her thing is like... It’s art ._. She fuckin EXPERTLY goes from Farah fangirl, to diligent student, to Riven’s girl, to ruthless villain and I LOVE that! I love a villain who’s both strong and smart :3 Especially if they’re female because I like bad bitches doing bad bitch things ^_^ Verdict, if it wasn’t clear: LOVE her. Amazing. Onto the Stan List she goes :3
Dane. *sigh* Dane... Is a character I have complicated feelings for >_>. I liked him a lot at first. I liked him and Terra’s friendship they were adorable :3 But then uh... Then Riven fucked him up <_< Listen man I agree Riven is hot but he ain’t worth hurting the first friend you ever made <_> Although a Riven, Dane, Beatrix throuple situation...... Is something I could get behind 👀. Because Dane likes both Riven and Beatrix, Riven likes Beatrix, and Beatrix... Is blatantly just using them but hey better to have 2 boyfriends who’ll do whatever you want than none 😊 Verdict: ... I liked him at first, thought him and Terra would be dorky friends, but then uh.... no >_> Terra deserves better <_<
Riven. Hate’im. Hate’im, hate’im, hate’im 🙄. He may be friends with the bi Dane but he REEKS... of homophobic jock energy. Of “I’m cool if you’re gay man just don’t hit on me dude.” vibes >_> Which like... I know seems ironic considering he literally flirted with Dane. But like... I dunno he just has so much homophobic energy it just... cancels out 😶. “But you JUST said you’d be okay with a Dane, Riven, Beatrix throuple” I did. And I still stand by that. But Riven would need some work before that <_< Like... an arc of him coming to terms with himself having feelings for both Dane AND Beatrix. y’know like that. I think it’d be cool. :3 Verdict: Riven sucks, but has a little bit 🤏 of potential. Also, all that being said, I don’t think Riven is REALLY a bad dude. I just think..... He wants Beatrix’s puss a little too much <_<
Sky. Sky... Is... Fine. He’s a fine character. I didn’t really feel a LOT for him. I just thought of him as Bloom’s love interest and like that’s it. Don’t get me wrong, he had some sad moments and I felt for him in those moments. But overall... Sky was just... fine. Verdict: He’s okay. I don’t really have a lotta feelings about him though.
Headmistress Farah Dowling. PHEW my feelings toward Farah... were a bit of a rollercoaster. I liked her, then I didn’t, then I was suspicious of her, then I liked her again, then she got her neck snapped.... soooo. But, that being said, I DO like Farah and I hope that she’s alive somehow in Season 2 :3. I like the variety in her powers. She has water, electricity, mind, maybe even fire, we love the variety ^_^ I was gonna say diversity but that’s kind of a sensitive word here. Verdict: Farah is an old baddie. And we love to see it 😗
Headmaster Silva. He... gives me Atlesian vibes >_>... I know fans of winx won’t know what I’m talking about, unless ya also watch RWBY. But with how he kept saying to Sky like “when you’re given orders you follow them without question.”, little hypocritical huh buddy, rubbed me the wrong way <_< Especially BECAUSE, yeah, it’s a little hypocritical when he didn’t follow his orders from Rosalind. Which I would also defy her orders, but then when YOU defy orders for the greater good, don’t then spread “Follow orders no matter what >_>”. Which, okay before you say it, I KNOW that he defied orders for the sake of saving the, seemingly innocent, people of Aster Dell, and they still died. But still... Spreading the follow orders no matter what thing is just kinda... an over correction, in my opinion at least. Verdict: Silva is... Okay. I like him... enough ya know? I like’im enough to hope he comes back to Alfea.
Rosalind. Rosalind... Is a villain with a lotta potential. I like her a lot so far. She’s obviously very powerful, and she seems... to wanna help Bloom? I mean for her own selfish gain of obtaining the Dragon Fire but still... A villain who partially wants to HELP the hero, is kinda interesting 😗 Also, I like how ruthless she can be. I knew she manipulative like straight from the memory that Bloom had. I immediately was like “I don’t trust this old lady >_>” But her levitating Farah and SNAPPING her neck... Oof. Chills. Verdict: I look forward to seeing where she goes :3
Final Conclusion: Fate: Winx the Saga, purely as a show, is very good in my opinion. whether you’ve watched Winx Club or not, I suggest giving it a try and going in with an opened mind. You may even find a new favorite show :3... Okay that may be pushing it lol. But it’s very good if you like fantasy, magic, and bad ass female characters 😗
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How did you feel or react when you started finding out you were bi? What was the journey like?
i knew in some way since i was young, i frequently had crushes on girls and was very jealous and possessive as a child. but i had no idea that that wasn’t how girls felt about their friends, especially being autistic and mentally ill (so, having attachment issues). but after i hit puberty and funnily enough, joined tumblr, i realised that you could like both men and women. a big part of me realising was my obsession with evanescence singer amy lee. i thought it was just a special interest thing (i wasn’t diagnosed at this point and didn’t know the term was special interest, but i knew i got more attached to things than most people), but then my friend pointed out that no straight girl would have literally hundreds of pictures of a woman, even a female celebrity, saved to their phone (i would save every picture i came across of her and it built up to like 430 pictures of her and the band). i was like “ah...yeah”.
wanna know something embarrassing though? like i said, i had just discovered tumblr and although i was already falling into radical feminism, mogai caught a hold of me for two seconds because i hadn’t reconciled with the reality of gender yet (nearly thought i was agender, but as that thought entered my head, i was already in full radfem so despite being only 14, i quickly shook it off) and i came out as pansexual to everyone. i said that “bisexual was attraction to men and women and may have a preference for one or the other, pansexual is attraction to men, women, trans people, and non binary people, and there is zero preference”. to be fair though, that almost makes more sense than any definition genderists ever gave. but then like 2-4 months later people asked me about it and i was like “nah lol, i’m bi, that stuff is bullshit”, and EVERYONE went “yeah we knew, we were just waiting for you to realise”, proving that people staying silent about your bullshit identities doesn’t mean that they believe or support you.
so, i never OFFICIALLY, did a big come out, people at school would just ask and the topic would come up and i’d be like “yeah, i like women”. everyone just kinda knew. some figured before i realised, because from a very young age, i constantly got stuck with lesbian and bisexual rumours, and girls would freak out at me talking to them in changing rooms. and my mother always suspected because for my brothers and sister when mentioning dating, she’d say “girlfriend” and “boyfriend”, but for me she’d say “boyfriend or girlfriend” and i never noticed until i was older looking back. i asked her and she was like “yeah, it seemed like it since you were young” lol. i guess i was/am lucky that despite all the family issues, it was a non religious, non homophobic household and i never felt shame or fear of saying what i was, and never had to do a come out. i did have a semi crisis when i was an older teen, trying to figure out whether i was bi or lesbian though, because i had a severe phobia and trauma from men so it was hard to tell if i had compulsory heterosexuality or that i could be attracted to men, but men fucked me up to much. then i kind of just relaxed and stopped caring, and i can confidently say now that i am bi, i just don’t like being around men haha.
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[ cw: f-slur, rape mention ]
no reblogs pls. this is a long vent.
haha not to be a hysterical faggot crippled shut-in freak or anything but the way ppl talk abt the defensiveness around the f-slur that some gay/bi male users (and some transfem users) on here as if it's some kind superiority pissing contest thing and not primarily about...respecting the boundaries and experiences of those gay/bi male (and transfem) users. like...being on this site as a fag-adjacent person (i say that half-jokingly because it sounds silly on one hand but on the other that's the most accurate descriptor of my gender identity, lol) is becoming increasingly draining and upsetting with how "progressive" homophobia against gay/bi men is apparently becoming, like, a meme among lgbtq people and that's acceptable somehow bc lgbtq people aren't cishets or because it's "only online" and therefore doesn't matter.
like idgaf abt ppl who aren't gay/bi men (or transfem) using the f-slur in every single context possible. if they're affectionately referring to their gay/bi male (or transfem) friends with that word (so long as said friends are comfortable with it) that's one thing. who cares. i even rb'd something where a cis butch (iirc) lesbian was talking about a gay man she knew who she was affectionatly calling a faggot and the things she said warmed my heart. if they're throwing it around at every opportunity or using it as an edgy insult against random strangers on the internet, that's another. the users on here who do the latter also regularly display behavior that like...shows a pretty clear disdain for gay/bi men (or transfem ppl) not apart of their online or "irl" circlejerks and echo chambers, and that is in no way disconnected from their love of using the f-slur, lol.
the "it's only online and so it's unimportant uwu go outside" thing also really feels like such a spit in the face as someone who both lives in a rural area full of cishet white men with guns that might try to kill me if i walked out of the house in drag (not to mention i live with my bf and his family and his parents are homophobes themselves i'm sure), and is also someone with health issues that usually keep me at home and in bed when i'm not working. i didn't always live here but even in my hometown the only "lgbtq space" i had was the high school GSA which didn't do shit other than the day of silence and was attended by people i did not feel safe around (e.g. my ex-friend who was very emotionally manipulative and ended up raping someone.) i don't have any other lgbtq spaces to go to other than online ones. if i never joined tumblr i might still be a self-hating cishet girl, or i might be dead, who knows. like, i've accepted at this point that personhood isn't something i'm allowed in (outside of my whiteness) so fuck me i guess if we need to but the idea that other young, impressionable, and/or traumatized lgbtq people who only can meet other lgbtq people and learn about lgbtq things online for whatever reason don't deserve to have us make an effort on cultivating internet spaces that are as accessible and safe for them as possible, or that their experiences and feelings are somehow unimportant is just...vile. like ofc not everyone needs to "pander" to "logged on" disabled fags like myself maybe but if you have any kind of large following on social media maybe consider that the things you say and do on said social media have like...an actual effect on other people instead of pretending that it's "just online" and therefore consequences for your actions either don't matter enough (to you personally) or somehow don't exist.
but going back to the fag thing, most popular lgbtq tumblr users on my dash i see nowadays just...simply do not give a shit whatsoever about gay/bi men, to the point they're normalizing "progressive" and "acceptable" homphobia against us bc they've convinced themselves due to the bigotry some gay/bi men (often cis, white, and wealthy mind you) exhibit we are "the cishets of the lgbtq community," despite horrific violence still being committed against us every day and despite other lgbtq people being capable of engaging in that violence themselves. ppl make thinly veiled jokes and memes where the punchline is men having sex with each other or effeminacy as if those things aren't primary avenues for gay/bi men being abused, assaulted, and killed (including acts of abuse and assault of a sexually-driven nature), as if said jokes and memes don't serve to normalize the mentalities that drive homophobic hate crimes. it's not like...a coincidence that most lgbtq people who makes these jokes aren't gay/bi men (or transfem). this doesn't even get into how things like homophobia and anti-effeminacy can pretty much boot certain gay/bi men from manhood...or womanhood...or any place in gender altogether.
call me exlusionary if you want but i think it's fair to say that the chances of people who aren't gay/bi men (or transfem*) facing the repurcussions of those mentalities in any meaningful way, the chances of these people actually having lived as or going to live as "faggots" is any meaningful sense is slim to none, and that's why they're so comfortable participating in this shit, and that's why i'm triggered(tm) by them "reclaiming" faggot (which doesn't really involve reclamation bc calling random strangers on the internet or gay/bi men you hate a slur isn't reclamation you morons), because frankly if you're not apart of either of those groups, you're just not a fucking faggot. it's not your word just because some rando on overwatch called you it for picking hanzo in comp. period. end of story. it's also just extremely absurd to try and claim faggotry as something you experience while...readily and happily engaging in homophobia and fag-hate (which isn't synonymous with the former term but i'm talking abt ppl who probably seldom ever engage which discussions and theory surrounding how homophobia instrumentates itself in society - or at least that which doesn't conform to their worldview). within the gay/bi male community there's plentu of masc "straight-acting" gays who weaponize this shit against fem gays and they (should) get held accountable in the same way. you're not special.
and god, being told my gendered experiences as a fag-adjacent person where (white) cafab women are fully capable of engaging in social forms of "oppression" against me and other fags in undeniably gendered ways is somehow an outlier and therefore not reflective of broader social by (white) masc urbanite tbros with definitively more social standing than i'll ever have in my life, as if i somehow developed this understanding of gendered violence just based off my own life and not...the reported and sometimes even recorded experiences of countless other fags who get mocked and silenced because anything that deviates from a watered down, shoddy cis feminist take on gender is fake news(tm) or bordering on saying misandry exists (like no it doesn't exist but acting as if homophobic shit like anti-sodomy laws, for example, has zero to do with gay/bi men's manhood is just nonsensical). convos on here abt gender being mostly dominated by (white) cafab women or sometimes (white) masc trans guys is such a mistake lmao.
anyway i'm tired and stressed and pretty done with having "acceptable" homophobic shit shoved in my face on a daily basis both online and offline but nevertheless i must persist because i'm not lucky enough to have anywhere else to go, really. just...think critically abt ur actions regarding gay/bi male sexuality and gender-stuff pretty please. please.
( *disclaimer just in case that i definitely don't see transfems as some "type" of gay/bi men. there are transfems who identify with gay/bi manhood and/or faggotry. there are transfems who don't. that's entirely up to them. thank u. )
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heathhhhhh you said harry interacted with you for 10 minutes during tmht omg pls elaborate
I’ve told this story before but I’ll god damn do it again any chance I get!
So I won tickets to a TMH matinee performance by buying a years supply of cat food and entering a thousand codes online. The tickets were just above the floor, the second row of the first line of true seating, meaning that when the boys went on the flying catwalk thing, they were still above us but we were close enough to see their faces quite well. My seats were also near the B stage.
I went with an ex girlfriend of mine who wasn’t a One Direction fan and she made a sign (keeping in mind I’m changing pronouns to not misgender myself now) that said ‘Harry, I’m only here because my boyfriend is in love with you’.
Myself and two other friends (I won four tickets) also had a light up sign that said ‘you guys are our heroes’. It was spelt wrong btw which I only realised after.
Anyway so they are flying towards us and Zayn gives our sign a big wave (the light up one) and soon enough every single one of ot5 have noticed it and waved. They seemed really taken with the fact that it lit up lol (I made it out of glow in the dark stickers).
Then Harry saw my ex girlfriends sign. And he got that face. That ‘I have spotted gays/I have spotted a man/I have spotted a pregnant woman’ face. He waved at me and at this point we were literally looking in each other’s eyes. And I started crying and pointed to myself like ‘was that wave for me?’ And he nodded and waved again and blew me a kiss and I started having a complete mental breakdown and sobbing and Harry was laughing his ass off and looking between me and my ex and watching us. And I was like to my ex ‘IS THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING’ and she was like ‘IT REALLY IS HE HAS KINNED WITH YOU HE IS TAUNTING YOU’.
Then on the way back to the main stage singing (I can’t remember which song now lol, whatever tf was in that part of the setlist, I was barely conscious), he sung whilst pointing at me and looking into my eyes and holding eye contact as long as he could and I CRIED and he LOVED IT. And he blew me more kisses and basically adored my shaking, heaving about to pass out state.
Louis also said something at some point about ‘loving the light up signs’.
At my OTRA tour date, my ex girlfriend (a different one) was a directioner and we got great seats as our anniversary gift for each other. We were right at the end of the catwalk a few rows back from the front. We brought a sign that said it was our annivesary and we were presenting as a gay couple because I’m a trans boy now and didn’t know that then.
When they came down the catwalk to the end, Louis noticed us. And oh my god his eyes are so blue?! Like obviously I’m AWARE of this but in person and relatively close its like HOLY SHIT. He was so close. And he was so shy with us! He read our sign and clocked the homosexuality of us, and did this really really shy smile and this shy little unsure wave, like he wasn’t sure we knew he was Louis and not ‘Louis Tomlinson the Homophobe’. And we waved back and I said “I love you so much Lou’ and he got all smiley and waved again and kept looking at us. He looked at us whenever he was near our section.
Then a bit later on when the crowd was quiet because the boys were interacting, Louis was looking in our general direction so I gave him what I think was a very purposeful wave and a big smile and look. I was trying to communicate ‘I love you and I see you and I know who you actually are’ and he waved back by holding his hand up to me for like ten seconds and smiling.
Anyway both of my parents have noticed me and I am DECEASED.
Oh I was also next to the little kid at my HS1 concert that Harry knew previously from a 1D concert and pointed out. I was in the section on the floor just behind the very front. Previously in the night I swear to god he laughed at me (I was really going hard with my dancing) but I thought ‘nah I’m too far back for him to see’ but then he called out to the little kid and I was like ‘OH HE CAN SEE HERE’. I also swear to god he looked at me during Anna almost like ‘ok is this person a huge fan...oh yep he knows Anna and he’s going hard...this guy I swear’.
But the HS1 ‘interactions’ are like ‘I think he kind of noticed me for a moment’ but the previous ones are ‘we literally fucking communicated holy shit’.
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Tonhon Chonlatee ep 9 reaction/thoughts
- Ooo, pang, pulling the mom card, we stan a supportive friend who keeps her friend from doing stupid things
- pang is me the entire hug scene, it was so cute (also podd/ton looks like he gives the best, warmest hugs), also very happy to see na being genuinely excited for chon in this scene
- i’m so happy to see ton so willing to be open and public about their relationship, i think it really goes to show how much the homophobia was really repeated rhetoric from ton’s family and society an not necessarily his core beliefs
- amp getting trash thrown at her is what she deserves, go off on her ai!
- i dislike nueng bc he’s a rapist but i am really glad he called out amp like that and left her
- I can’t get over how cute and sweet ton is wtf
- ton keeps patting his head through the whole episode and I am here for it
- lol at chon watching 2gether
- i’m so glad the sister is accepting and cool about it, I hope this helps them next ep
- I, for a solid three seconds, when miriam got all shy and called her gorgeous, thought she was gonna hit on the sister and I was ready to support this 100%
- the cute little hand heart, ai being shy and hiding behind ni’s shoulder
- that’s right, ton, not good feelings left for that bitch
- also it’s cute that ton and baipai are close enough that ton can tell she had a fight bc she’s eating ice cream, i always love a good sibling relationship
- i’m just so glad chon has a backbone, even if he’s not the most confident or aggressive, he’s never let amp walk all over him in any of their interactions and it’s very refreshing, other bls need to take note
- on the other hand, chon, please have a bit more confidence in yourself, “even if i am a replacement, i don’t care, i just want to be next to ton,” sweetie, is that really something to brag about?
- however, “are you making fun of me?” “who else am i talking to?” was pretty great, petition for more sassy chon
- of all the sassy, mean, serious, or rude comebacks i thought ton was gonna say, “move, your in the way” is better than anything i could’ve come up with
- chon wiggling his shoulders when he said dancing shrimp
- very glad baipai and itt’s storyline did not end with itt being gay, the cat is adorable
- every time i start to take this show seriously, gmmtv loves to remind this show is just a crack video in disguise, what tf is this roleplay? (no complaints tho, i wish more shows wouldn’t take themselves so seriously)
- “it doesn’t mean ton doesn’t love me anymore” bitch yes it does!
- damn, just when i thought amp couldn’t get more homophobic
- props to ton for standing up for himself and his relationship
- i knew this was going to happen, yet i was still hoping somehow it wouldn’t, like I get why ton did it, he’s the kind of person who wont back down from dare if you call him chicken, but still, couldn’t he just not have?
- im not going to rag on chon (too much) for jumping to conclusions bc i will say i think they set it up well in a way that it’s believable for chon to assume things given 1) the video that pretty clearly shows ton kissing her freely, 2) his own insecurities and doubts regarding whether he’s just a substitute and whether ton actually likes him, a man -- so while i hate the faux cheating plotline, they at least set up better groundwork than some other shows
- ton ai and ni drunk singing is very cute
- miriam deserves everything, she really acts as an audience insert, we all wanted ton to get slapped (lowkey was hoping she would just deck him the face, but the slap was good too)
- ton riding the motorcycle while not entirely sober is giving me anxiety
- i fucking love chon’s mom so much, her relationship with chon has the same energy as pete’s dad from DBK in that not only does they know their sons are gay, but their comfortable talking and joking about and i love it
- I also like how she doesn’t just jump into overprotective mom mode and completely kick ton out or anything, like she really gives the sense of an adult who has gone through romantic struggles and can see that ton is sincere and didn’t mean to hurt chon
- how do you knock so much that your knuckles bleed that much
- you know what? chon said “you cheat, you’ll never see my face again” and my boy commits, I respect that
- the paper airplanes are pretty cute, very reminiscent of kornknock
- so, about the faux cheating plotline as a whole, i don’t like it, and i think the homophobic parents could’ve provided plenty of drama for two episodes with time left over for cute tonchon moments, but, i will say, this particular one isn’t bothering me as much as they usually do and i’m not entirely sure why? I think one part of it is ton is being pretty mature and responsible about it, admitting that he was in the wrong, telling chon’s mother that it’s “a bit of both,” not trying to push all the blame on amp. I think another part of it is that it’s going to resolve pretty quickly, they haven’t let this fester with a bunch of sad dramatic scenes of them making eye contact across campus, ton went after chon immediately and he’s not going to stop until he’s cleared everything up. And, as i said earlier, it didn’t feel like this was entirely out of nowhere or really unbelievable like faux cheating plotlines often feel like
- anyways, in conclusion, i actually really like this episode, i really love seeing ton just fully embracing being in a gay relationship and not taking shit from anyone about it, I’m excited for the final episode
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honestly parents who didn’t let their kids watch spongebob were either karens (not the computer though), upper middle class white families who expect too much from their 7 year old to be “smart” and yeah that’s usually what i got from my dominantly white catholic school lol
Yeah that's a good way to describe them. They're either Karens, adults who get mad when things aren't personally catered to them and get so intensely angry seeing their kids enjoy things like a cartoon that they personally may not care for.
Or like my aunt and those upper middle class white predominately christian people who expect too much from their children and essentially rob them of their childhood, thinking they'll be Einstein by teaching them to stress over test scores and stuff at the age of 6.
My aunt is like this. She isn't white but she tries so hard to fit in with them. One of those people who meticulously obsess over things like that and trying to have her family as Facebook picture perfect and pointless things and restricting fun stuff because they think it'll make their kids dumb somehow. She is so fake, so mean and manipulative.
I also have a friend who was raised like that too and jeez the stuff her parents did to her still shock me.
These things are the reason why I don't believe in ""child geniuses"" when they come from upper middle class white families. Their parents have the resources and time to grill all the happiness out of a child so they can show them off like an award winning puppy. They have the money and time to get their successes handed to them. I knew plenty of smart kids growing up from poorer working class families who tried their best with what little resources they have. They should have been considered child geniuses but they weren't born as fortunate as them. But they still worked harder then those kids ever have.
Then there is flat out Homophobes who are scared being happy and expressing yourself will make you a sinful gay™ which is so strange. I remember in 3rd grade, I had a friend who once said she wasn't allowed to watch spongebob and I didn't really understand the reason why. Yeah my parents we're strict with the shows I watched but spongebob never did anything on their list of what they considered inappropriate for a kids show. Yeah now I get what she meant. But also there were a lot of signs her parents were abusing her too but I just didn't really recognize besides things I thought were slightly weird.
You know I remember when I was younger, I have a medical condition so I had to go to a children's hospital for appointments a lot as a kid. It was always so long and so boring in the waiting room.
To the least they had a tv you could watch cartoons on. Usually because the activity table was full and you usually had to wait your turn. One time a lady asked for the channel to be changed to the news and she said "cartoons rot your brain". This is a CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL. can't you let some kids who are in PAIN enjoy some cartoons? My dad asked "you aren't upset about that are you?" And I had an overwhelming fear of most adult figures anyways so I didn't want to say anything to make them feel less of me. It was just easier to say I'm fine and mind my own business. Then she goes on talking about how cartoons are just mindless and pointless to my dad like it was a fun silly conversation. How its a pointless distraction. It might have been a pointless distraction but it was at least something when you have nothing to do and awaiting an appointment that is discussing about your condition and that you'll probably need surgery.
Can you not let kids enjoy things??
Some adults feel so entitled sometimes. I didn't get it as a kid besides "adults are strange" but now being one, I really see how weird and fucked up they can be over something so trivial.
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Hello! First off, Happy New Year! Second, long time no speak. I apologise for not popping in for a bit with requests, recently got the news of a national lockdown in England which means i may be working more.
I hope you're doing well and if its not too much of an imposition, may i ask what we have to look forward too in upcoming works?
You have got me on a Rita Calhoun binge just recently. I mean i knew i had a thing for older women but damn, you helped me add Elizabeth Marvel to list.
Happy New Year to you too!!!
No worries at all fam!! It’s been an interesting year to say the least, things are all over the place. Ugh. More lockdowns are just wearing me out right now!! Our stupid fucking premier did it too late, and resulted in everyone having to basically miss christmas, meanwhile like 8 MLA’s/other major gov people from my province were caught vacationing in Hawaii and shit over christmas. 🙄
OTHERWISE, I’m doing great. Hoping that I’ll be able to go back to work soon cause..money...
Here’s what’s on the docket.
Casey x Dr Reader: they went to Harvard together, Casey graduated first & they amicably broke up when Casey moved away, they end up running into each other on a case and fall back into things
Casey returns as bureau chief to end up running into a kind of ex girlfriend from high school. Casey had basically walked away from YN but it was for yn’s own safety, there’s A LOT of angst in this one (not between the girls, but lets just say YN has a very homophobic step father)
Dodds x dr reader: they dated in college before he started caring about his reputation over everything, dumped her very unceremoniously. They run into each other in NYC in the squad room, she’s still kinda pissed, but he starts to work to get her back (which obvi doesn’t sit well with Dodd’s sr)
Dodds x reader where reader is hiding a pill popping habit, until things get too out of control and he helps her through recovery. Obvi full of angst and fluff (i marathoned nurse Jackie when i came up with this idea..)
Olivia x Noah’s teacher reader, slow burn fluff series
Rita x Barba’s niece series
Rita x reader where reader is Liv’s daughter that she gave up for adoption at 15. Liv recognizes YN, YN has no idea who Olivia is.
Erin Lindsay x reader enemies to lovers
Casey: 3 fluff, 2 smut
Alex: 2 smut, 1 Xmas one I’m still holding onto, 1 fluff, 1 ...fluff? Sight angst? Detective reader, secret relationship based in s19
Barba: 2 smut, 2 fluff
Stone: 4 fluff
Carisi: 2 smut, 1 angst, 3 fluff
Rollins: 1 fluff, 1 smut, 2 angst
LIv: 1 slightly angst, 1 fluff
Kat: 2 angst, 1 smut, 1 fluff
Rita: 3 fluff, 1 smut
Erin Lindsay: 1 vday smut
Nick: 1 smut
Borin: 1 angst/fluff
Homeland/Elizabeth Keane: 1 slight angst/platonic reader one.
Honestly at this point Ms Marvel should just hire me to do her PR, cause I’ve got a lot of people onto her...fan base.... LOL. Also it makes me extremely happy anytime one of my followers says that! Lol
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