#logically i'm doing fine but it feels so hopeless

[punching-pentagrams]

Love in a Hopeless Place

Chapter 8

Buckle up, kids

Chapter 1|Chapter 2|Chapter 3|Chapter 4|Chapter 5|Chapter 6|Chapter 7|Chapter 8| Chapter 9

Lucifer x prostitute fem!reader Word Count: 4.9k CW: Slowburn, Angst,Prostitution, Hurt/comfort, trauma, fluff, cuddles, depression, anxiety, Sexual fantasizing, insecurity, alcohol/intoxication

Days turned to weeks, weeks turned into a couple of months as your relationship with each other and with the hotel crew continued to grow. It was nice not to have to worry about the "end of the world" clouding the dynamic, but both of you felt a little differently about the current progression of things.

Lucifer loved getting to give more energy to caring about you and Charlie, creating and feeling like he was himself again. The dynamic he had with you ended in more nights of chilling, doing not much of anything other than being with each other. He had attempted slipping in some more cute pet-names into the conversation with you, just to see how you would react, and you seemed fine with it, like everything he did. He kept ending up in the same spot when it came to figuring out how to tell you about his true feelings. His fear of being turned down was intense, but he was more worried about doing something to lose you completely. He logically knew that was silly, but he was so scared to return to the sad disconnected person he was before he met you.

You, on the other hand, were a little scared because of the simplicity and calmness of your time now together. You hade never experienced this in your living life, or hell, so it made you really uncomfortable. He had started calling you things like "Apple" and "Duckie" which you liked, but he was more focused on you and your needs, there was less for you to do. Was he trying to model more of what he needed from you? But then, when you tried to care give for him, he would tell you to just let him care for you. Was he getting bored of you? Were your days together numbered? Would he soon be ok enough to not need you anymore?

Ughh... and why did you care so much? You had numerous other clients drop off during your time with Lucifer, and you had not given them a second thought. Why was this so different? Had you become too attached? Well you definitely had... but why? What was it about Lucifer that had you clawing to make sure he still needed you around? Was it the connection to the hotel? That had definitely made it stronger, but you knew this feeling had lasted before you started visiting the hotel.

The hotel issues was another matter, Charlie had been trying you get you to move in for weeks, and you kept telling her that you needed more time to prepare. You hated lying to her, but you were worried about how that might complicate the relationship with Lucifer, and of course you could not tell her about the dynamic. You would hate for something to happen between you two and then have Charlie caught in the middle, or feeling like it was you or him. She had that enough between Lucifer and Lilith, she did not want to do that to you again. You wanted Charlie to remain fully on Lucifer's side no matter what happened.

You wished you could talk to someone, anyone, about what was going on, but you couldn't, and that drove you mad.

______________________________________________________________

One particular day, it was time for Lucifer to go off to another Sins meeting. Lucifer went off with to his meeting, blitzed through it with a lot more honest vigor and energy than the last meeting, was able to deal with Mammon's complaining, and got it all wrapped up in no time at all.

At the end, Asmodeus waited for the room to clear out before trying to chat with Lucifer again.

"Well, now, someone is in much better spirits from last time~" Asmodeus said wiggling his eyebrows and chuckling.

Lucifer waved his hand, "Oh, ppsssh, golly, is it that noticable? Well, you know, I just got some good advice from a friend, got my confidence and my daughter back, and I'm the happiest I've been in decades. It's not a big deal."

Asmodeus shimmied his shoulders with joy, "Ahh! I am just so happy for you. It's like I always say, there is nothing more healing than some good, earthshattering, dirty, mindless sex."

Lucifer froze, "Ya... a- about that... umm... there... uhh... there hasn't been any sex."

Ozzie paused and cocked an eyebrow at you, "Say what now?"

Lucifer ran some figures through his hair, "Well... t-there almost was! But... then I had a liiiiittle panic attack, she helped me through it and was so amazing about it, I cried myself to sleep in her arms, it helped me sleep and feel better, and then I've basically been falling asleep in her arms every night since..." He ended with a nervous smile.

Asmodeus blinked, and put his hands on his hips, "You fell in love with her, didn't you?"

Lucifer's eyes went wide, "Whaaaaa... no... pffft. You're silly Ozzie, me falling in love with a prostitute? That's... that's" Lucifer looked at Ozzie, holding his stance, cocking an eyebrow. Lucifer deflated, "That's... exactly what happened..."

Asmodeus chuckled looked around before looking back at him, "You wanna know a secret?" Lucifer looked up at Ozzie, Ozzie smiled and leaned in, "You aren't the only one who has fallen for a fling."

Lucifer stared at Ozzie, had the Sin of LUST fallen in LOVE. "Whaa.."

Ozzie help up a hand, "But. no questions right now, we are focused on you. So... you dating her now?"

Lucifer rubbed his neck, "Not exactly... we are together all of the time, but I haven't been able to figure out how to tell her. I'm scared that I'm just another client to her... and that the minute I'm open about this, the fantasy that I have been living in will disappear around me."

Ozzie shrugged, "Well... it might," Lucifer deflated, "butttt... it might also be an open door into the happily ever after that is the rest of your life! You can't let that fear get in the way. Look at what your daughter managed to do with her hotel, look at what you did with reconnecting with her! The risk was all there too, and look how those turned out!"

Lucifer thought, Ozzie was right, he just needed to figure out how to tell you. "Ok... any thoughts on how I should tell her, oh master of Love?"

Ozzie laughed and put a hand on Lucifer's shoulder, "Don't overcomplicate it, just treat it like any other night, adding crazy stuff might make her nervous. Be yourself, be open and honest. If all goes well, she feels the same way and your first real date together can be where you pull out all of your creative, romantic magic."

Lucifer nodded, "Ok... ugh... I'm just still so nervous."

Ozzie shrugged, "Nothing wrong with a glass of wine or two to calm the nerves. You can do this Luc, nothing the King of Hell can't handle." Ozzie started to walk out the door, then stopped, "Go get that girl man."

Lucifer gave a confident nod and teleported himself home. He looked at the clock, he only had.... several hours until you would be over. Ugh, this was going to be a long afternoon. He looked over at his bar, just one glass couldn't hurt? He would be good long before he had to go get you.

Well... Lucifer underestimated how nervous he was, one glass became two, two became four, and by the time it was time for him to go pick up up, he was having a hard time even standing up without swaying. Lucifer looked down at his left hand, and remembered he still had it on. He quickly took it off and put it next to his bathroom sink, touched up his hair, pointing finger guns at himself in the mirror and get set up to go get you. It took him a couple of minutes to get the portal activated and popped in your room, a few minutes later than usual.

You had started to get a little nervous, he had never been late before, but it was ok, he was allowed to be late. That is when he stumbled through the portal and into your room, almost knocking into you.

"Oh! There you are! You are always so prompt, I got a little worried haha," you laughed, straightening him out.

He looked up you, and then he melted into a lovesick smile, "Haha, golly, I'm s-sorry Duckie, the portal was being dumb, haha." He slurred, "I'mmm here now, haha. You ready to go?"

You cocked your head to the side and smiled, "Haha ya, you ok, Luci?"

"Of course my darling!" he said, wrapping an arm around your waist, before tapping his cane on the floor a couple of times, grumbling, before popping back to the manor. Lucifer looked over his cane in one hand, the other arm still remaining around your waist mumbling something about his stupid cane before looking at you, his face melting into happiness again.

"I'll fix it laterrr, hi theree, how are you? You look great todayy," he said hugging you and snuggling into you. You hesitantly hugged him back, you weren't convinced that something happened that day, he was being... more affectionate but... in a weird way. Was... was he drunk?

"Uh... ya I'm good. Busy day of clients, nothing crazy. What about you? Are you sure you are ok? You seem... different today," you said carefully.

Lucifer had no idea how he was coming off, he didn't realize how drunk he was, he had forgotten about the last two drinks in all of his anxious spiraling. "Oh ya, today was great! Sins meeting, paperwork, all went by preeeeetty quickly. Oh hells! Guess what? I was talking to Asmodeus, sin of Lust, right? Dude got a boyfriend! Crazy right? Well... not that he is dating his hook-up, but that the Sin of Lust found love! Oh shit... I wasn't s'pposed to say that. Don't tell anyone, k?"

You nodded, smiling, "Oh ya, that is funny. Not everyday that mindless sex turns into something meaningful, right? Especially in Hell with a Sin like that? But of course, I didn't hear anything" You nodded.

'Oh fuck! That's not what I meant, ughhh that's not what I wanted her to get from that.' he thought.

"I mean! I love the Sins, they always surprise me with ways will people that you never thought they would," he said with a nervous smile.

You played a long with a nervous smile, you didn't know why he was being so nervous and not just telling you want was wrong. But if it was that bad, he would probably burst at some point and then you could be there to support him again. You hated when something was stressing him out, but it made you feel good to feel needed. So you would play along for the night and wait.

"Ya! I totally gotcha! Just like the sinners at Charlie's hotel, even the Sins are able to grow and change," you said with a sweet smile.

Lucifer smiled his love drunk smile, 'Good, fixed it, that was close. She is so beautiful and smart, I love how she words things sometimes.'

Other than Lucifer's apparent intoxication, and him sometimes sneaking off to grab another drink to keep up the buzz, your night was no different than it normally was with Lucifer only... more affectionate? You were really confused, because everything about his behavior was staying something was wrong or that he was hiding something, but other than that he was being very sweet, a little more touchy than usual, which you were fine with, he was allowed to touch you however he wanted of course.

Oh! Maybe that was it! Maybe he was wanting to try being more sexually intimate again and he was just so nervous because of the last time! You wanted to be careful because he was drunk, and you still felt that consent was important, but leaning deeper into his pets and soft touches was not an issue as you snuggled watching tv. At one point, you even placed a hand on his thigh, and he melted into your touch.

As true at that was, for Lucifer overall, that was not his goal for the night. There were so many moments when he thought about just saying that he wanted to talk about his feelings, telling you how much he loved you and wanted you to be part of his life, outside of hiring you, and he wanted to know how you felt. But the stupid words just would not come, and all he could do was compliment you and touch you, playing with your hair and stroking your soft skin. He felt you start to lean more into his touch, and even putting your hand on his leg, ugh, he was going to die.

Eventually, Lucifer had wasted enough time and it was finally time to go to bed. As you two were getting ready for bed, he kept repeating in his head 'JUST FUCKING SAY SOMETHING, ANYTHING! YOU NEED TO TELL HER OR ELSE YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE YOUR FUCKING MIND!'

You had gone into his bathroom to wash your face, and you noticed the ring sitting on the side of the sink. Huh, weird, had Lucifer not been wearing his ring all day? Or did he just usually take it off at night and you only just now noticed? You shrugged, and walked to the bed to get ready for bedtime. You got under the covers and waiting for Lucifer, who was still sitting on the side of the bed staring out.

You were about to reach over to touch his arm and ask if everything was alright, but at that moment, Lucifer snapped. He looked at you, eyes full of desire, and jumped on top of you, pinning you to the bed under him. He just stared down at you, breathing heavily. This both excited and frightened you a little, this wasn't like him.

"Lucifer, what is goin-" you started.

"I love you!" he finally spat out. "I love you and I want you!"

You eyes went wide as you stared up at him.

WHAT.

No, you must have misheard. He... loves you? But you were a nothing? A nobody? Sure you had helped him but... wait, was this a roleplay? Or was this real? Did he actually mean "love" like lust, or like Capital L Love? You ran through every single element of your relationship with Lucifer that both supported and refuted his statement in mere seconds, fact and opinion, memories that you couldn't remember if you were now twisting to validate something more romantic of him than it actually was. Things hotel people had said, the way he had cared for or protected you. Was that actually because he loved you, or did he just want to protect his financial investment? Was this a sick joke?

Lucifer loomed above you, waiting for you response, looking like a tiger ready to pounce on his prey. God he looked so hot, you wanted him to just sink himself into you. No! Stop. You couldn't think quick enough. What should you do? Do you play into it and risk being wrong about what he means here, or do you reject him and wait until he is sober to talk through this with him? If this was a normal person, you would take the risk, but with him... You think about the man now suffering in an eternal loop of torture, you think about the ring on the sink that tied him still to Lilith, you think about how small and insignificant you were in comparison to this beautiful angelic being above you.

No. As much at it hurt, you could not risk reading this situation wrong.

Lucifer had started to lean down to try to kiss you, when you shouted, "No!" and pushed him off of you. In Lucifer's intoxicated state, he was slow to respond, so you were able to easily able to put him off of you before jumping out of bed, tears already streaming down your face.

'No?' he thought, 'What did she mean "no"'?' he thought. Lucifer sat up and looked at you staring at him, heavily breathing and crying. What had he done?

"I... I'm sorry... I don't... I have to think... I don't... I don't want to be wrong, or hurt you, I don't know what to do, what is the right thing t-to do," you choked through tears.

Lucifer started to reach out to you, "Wait... Duckie..."

"No... Lucifer," you started grabbing your stuff to go, "I'm sorry, I need to think about this... I can't do this while you are so drunk... I'll see you later, ok?" You ran out of Lucifer's room, down the long hallway, and out of the manor. You weren't going to even try the driver, you didn't want Lucifer to have the chance to stop you. You would run all the way back home.

"Duckie... (y/n)..." he said before sinking into his bed.

What had he just done?

_____________________________________________________________

You would run for a long time, crying all the way, not caring who saw you, until you got all the way home. You busted into the Lounge, trying to run through up to your room. But guess who stopped you in your path? Cynthhhhia.

"What's the matter crybaby? That big money daddy of yoursssss not give you a big enough tip tonight so you ran home crying?" she snarled at you, grabbing your arm.

"Fuck off Cynthhhhia, just leave me alone!" you said trying to pull you arm out of her grasp, and in retaliation Cynthhhhia instead wrapped her tail around your leg and then let your arm go, making you fall on your face. The patrons and girls in the rooms gasped, this was humiliating.

"How about you make me, bitch! Ya know, I'm sssssso ssssssick of you being Larry'sssss favorite and getting all the good clientssss, while I get jack shit! It's time you learned a lessssson, you ungrateful little bi-"

"Cynthhhhia! That is enough out of you!' Larry screamed. The room parted between him and you both. "Drop her now, and get over here. Gemma, go check on (y/n), will ya?"

Cynthhhhia huffs and lets you go aggressively, and makes her way over to Larry as one of your Lounge friends, Gemma, came over and checked on you. You told her that you just wanted to go to your room, Gemma helped pick you up and half-carried you up to you room while Larry chewed out Cynthhhhia.

"What in the nine circles is wrong with you?! I have had to talk to you about your behavior with customers so fucking many times, now assaulting another girl?! I wanna hear what makes you think this behavior is ok? I don't care if we are in hell, I am not having any fucking cat-fights in here, and you know that!" Larry scolded Cynthhhhia.

"Wha- I... Ugh! Why does she get all the good clientssss! You are clearly playing favoritessss or she is tipping you off or something. I am not getting paid nearly what I was sssssince she showed up. Why am I not getting any high rollersssss?!" Cynthhhhia snarled.

"Well maybe if you put as much energy into your clients as you do going after girls like her, maybe you would have people who wanted to utilize your services. You do not seem to understand the fact that I am not giving you to high rollers because you are turning customers away with your behavior, or they are asking not to work with you anymore!" Larry yelled.

Cynthhhhia gasped, and looked around the room to see other girls and patrons laughing at her, "That's not true!"

"Like it or not, Cynthhh, that is the reality. And since you still don't seem to be getting it, I'm going to give you one more chance to redeem yourself, and if you fuck it up, you are out do you hear me?" Larry said pointedly.

Cynthhhhia tipped her head down in defeat, "Fine, what is it?"

Larry moved to meet her gaze, "Three days, on the phones scheduling appointments for the other girls, no tips."

"But-" Cynthhhhia started.

"It's the phones or you're out, got a problem with that?" Larry glared.

Cynthhhhia pouted, "No sssssir..."

"Good, now, off the floor with you, you are done for the night, I will see you down here at 10 am sharp," Larry then turned and headed to go up the stairs to the apartments.

You had made it upstairs with Gemma, she had asked if you wanted her to stay, but you said no. You just wanted to be alone. Several minutes later, you would be a knock on the door and a "Babydoll? It's Larry."

You sniffled and sat up, "Come in."

Larry opened the door and sighed, "God she is a right bitch, I don't know why I keep her around at this point. Now, what happened?" he closed the door behind him, "I'm not used to you having any issues with Lance."

"It... I don't even know how to explain. He was kinda drunk, he wasn't acting like himself, he didn't hurt me, but he told me something and... because he was intoxicated... I didn't know how to react. He's... got a fair amount of influence... I worried what would happen if I misunderstood the situation. So I panicked, I ran. I'm sorry if he called to complain or anything." You said looking down, covering your face with your hands.

Larry thought for a minute, "Rough situation, intoxicated clients can make things hard. Most wouldn't care, but you have been working with him for a while, it made sense that you would want to stay in good standing with him and not want to fuck that up. Are you worried about future actions? Do you need me to put him on you "No Kiss List"?"

"No, no. Nothing like that..." you sigh and run your fingers through your hair, "I just... I think I just need some time to think... would I possibly be able to take some time off?"

Larry scratched his chin, "Well... I don't know, Babydoll. I could do a day or two, but much past that... I need you, you bring in a lot of money..."

You sighed, "Give me two days and I'll pay for two more of my own days time? That sound fair?"

Larry thought for a moment, "Deal. What do you want me to tell your regulars?"

You sighed, "Just tell them I'm going on a quick rejuvenating vacation, and that their girl will be back for them before they know it." It will worry Lucifer, but you needed the space, you didn't want to say or do anything to fuck up the relationship any more than it already had by you running from him that night.

"Can do." You give Larry the payment for two days on your own time and he leaves your room. "Take care of yourself, babydoll," he says closing the door. You are alone again.

You take your phone out, scroll for a bit before finding a hotel and a ride to the other side of the Pentagram from both the Lounge and Lucifer for the morning, and booked them for as early as possible. You just needed some time away to figure out what to do and to figure out how you were going to respond to Lucifer.

You tried to fall asleep that night, but sleep never came. You spent the rest of the night replaying the situation in your head. Did he really mean it? That he loved you? Did he actually care about you and want you in his life? Or was it all a trick? Why would he say that to you?

The next morning, you packed up, got in your cab and disappeared on your 4 day escape to other side of the Pride RIng, hoping that when you returned, you would have the answers.

______________________________________________________________

That same morning, Lucifer would wake up with a light headache, crumpled in a weird position on his bed. Where were you? Why was he sleeping so weird? The previous night was fuzzy, damn, he had overdone it on the alcohol... Had you just left? That was not like you. What happened?

He got up, put on a robe, and started to walk around the manor, looking for anything that might jog his memory of what happened the night before. Everything looked normal, and all he could remember was the conversation with Ozzie, being a little tipsy getting you, and feeling nervous. The later into the night he thought, the fuzzier everything got. He ended up back in his bedroom for hours racking his brain. He wished he had a way to contact you, to ask you want happened, and you try to figure it out with you.

A while later his cellphone started to ring, he looked at the number and his groggy eyes went wide, it was the Lounge. This was the first time that the Lounge had called him. He picked up the phone and put on his "Lance" voice.

"Uh, hello! This is Lance, what can I do for you?" Lucifer said in a deeper and huskier voice.

"Yes, hello, this Luxurious Lady's Lounge, how are you doing thissss afternoon?" Said Cynthhhhia as pleasantly as she could over the phone. She had done well playing nice on the phone all morning, so now Larry was leaving her to call all of your cancelations for the next 4 days.

"Oh you know, just living the dream!" Lucifer responded. Christ... why did he say that?

"That issss wonderful to hear. We jussssst wanted to let you know that your next appointment for tomorrow evening with (y/n) will be canceled. She will out of town for a little bit," Cynthhhhia said through a fake smile.

Lucifer felt a sense of dread go through his body, 'Out of office? So suddenly?' "Oh! Well thank you for letting me know, I hope she is alright, she is quite a gem, haha."

Cynthhhhia's jaw tightened, "Oh yessss, she just needed to essssscape on a quick rejuvenating vacation." Cynthhhhia looked around to see if Larry was around, he was nowhere, and the office was pretty empty, she smiled, "... Isssss what they want me to tell you, but I don't want to lie to a man like you, Mr. Lanccccce."

Lucifer's heart beat fast in his chest, "Haha, what do you mean?"

"The truth of the matter isssss... you've been put on (y/n)'s "No Kisssss List".... basssssically a ban from being able to work with her," Cynthhhhia said with a wicked smile.

Lucifer froze on the other side of the phone. Banned. She banned you. Months of joy and beauty between you two, severed in an instant. Lucifer felt like he couldn't breathe.

"I'm ssssso ssssorry to break the newssss to you like thissss. She just came back from a.... recent interaction telling usssss she... oh what was it, "Couldn't handle the bullshit anymore" isssss I think how she put it. But we have plenty of other ladiesssss that would be willing to take her sssspot if you'd like," Cynthhhhia continued, looking around for Larry again, still nothing, good.

"That's... disappointing to hear. I thought we had a good connection," Lucifer said flatly into the phone.

"Oh she issss really good at that, a good little actressssss but honessssstly a bit prissssssy and shallow under it all, trussssst me, I'm around her all the time. A real heartbreak, I ssssswear, I bet she would even break the King'sssss heart if she had a chance," Cynthhhia said laughing.

Lucifer saw red with that comment, 'What did she mean by that? Did you tell? Did they actually know it was me? Was that just a figure of speech?' His name got thrown around a lot, so he had no idea in this moment, it just felt really personal at that moment.

"I see, thank you for the information," Lucifer said before hanging up.

Cynthhhhia growled at the sound of the dead line, before putting down the phone, and making a note that "Lance" had been notified of a cancelation and would call back if he wanted to reschedule. Cynthhhhia then moved on to the next of you client's, feeling pleased with herself. If she couldn't have a a high roller, at least she could take out one of your big money daddies.

Lucifer laid back in his bed and tossed his phone over to the side. Everything he had feared happening had come true. Everything he had built with you was gone, and worse, maybe even a lie. He did not want to believe that what you had was a lie, but maybe he was just that stupid after all. He wanted to show up to your room and talk to you, but he couldn't. If he had hurt you or maybe you really were some shallow bitch... maybe this was for the best...

Lucifer crawled back in bed and stayed there for the rest of the day and into the night. He would respect your wishes.

Lucifer would never ask see you ever again.

______________________________________________________________

Can we see why I gave a warning on one last twist? I broke my own heart writing this. I'm so sorry. I promise it will end up ok in the end though for these two. xoxo, dany As usual, leave a comment if you want added to the taglist so that you can get notifications when future chapters drop! Taglist: @froggybich @wonderlandangelsposts @glowinthedarkbones1150 @marydragneell @crescent-z @superdinosaurnacho @jam0001 @kyo-kyo1 @so-get-this-sammy @lilzebeth @kelppsstuff @loquacious-libra @pinkhoneydrop @luleck @writer-girl99 @lavenz @stormz369 @littleladydemon @soujiswife @melday0105 @luluxx118 @sseleniaa @futureittomainn @cktkat @zaneyyyy @uravitsy @liecoris @starlitvenus @hannahrose130 @elleofdragons @butch-medusae @concentratedconcrete @erosamasan @stranger-chan @aquaamethyst96 @lxkeee @holyspacething @hulyenl @leximus98 @lu-ferri12 @mixplara @katnisspeetaprim

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[atinylittlepain]

June - Part Six

Joel Miller x f!oc

series masterlist

warnings | 18+ dark themes surrounding suicidal ideation and attempt, smut, angst, but also a whole lot of love to be had

........................

And leave me if I'm feeling too lonely

Full as the fruit on the vine

You know some girls are bright as the morning

And some have a dark turn of mind

"Dark Turn of Mind" by Gillian Welch

........................

“Thanks, kid.” 

“You said the thick socks right? I wasn’t sure.”

“Yeah, these are good.”

“Is she doing okay?”

“I don’t know.” He doesn’t. He’s not sure if he wants to. Something ugly has settled in his skull. Not anger. Something that simmers lower, meaner. Hate might be the right word. He feels sick with it.

He hates that something as innocent as a bottle of expired aspirin, small, sitting in the bathroom cabinet, could make something this awful happen. 

He hates that he had to do what he did. Had to get big and loud and quick, quick, quick with her. Overpowering, muscling her in his arms to keep her still, still, still. 

He hates that she fought him until she didn’t. Snarling big, big, big, trying to wriggle back down to that deep, dark place he was pulling her out of. And then the blank wash across her face when she realized her own failure.

He hates that he knew exactly what to do. The feeling of her throat constricting around his fingers, her whole body a tight fist, and then the slackening of her heaves.

But maybe more than anything, he hates that he didn’t have a clue until the moment he walked into the bathroom. No signs, no warnings. Things were good, he knows it. Simple and so, so, so good. And she still wanted to leave so, so, so bad.

He hates all the things around her that he can. Lets it get big and bad in his brain, staring at the closed clinic door, knuckles flexing with each dark thought. He’d like to hate her too. It’d be so much easier. It’s why he hasn’t gone in yet. Because he knows the instant he sees her, this hate, this big, ugly something will dissolve into a simpering ache. 

“Do you want me to stay?”

“No, kid. That’s alright. Thank you.”

He walks in alone. Cold white walls and cold bright lights and a sterile hand on his shoulder that he’d like to snap clean off.

She’s doing fine but–

Chronic and persistent–

May need to put in place a–

There isn’t much we can do.

Blink and nod, blink and nod. What is this world he has stepped into?

And then she’s there in a bed that crinkles white and it’s summer all over again and he needs to see her eyes open needs to get her awake for him, needs, needs, needs. And then she’s awake and she’s looking at him and he wants to scream and plunge his hands into his chest to pull out the crumpled mass of his heart wants to smear it all over these white walls so maybe she can understand what this hell he’s in is like. But he needs, needs, needs to stay calm needs to keep her with him. 

So he’s careful. So, so careful. Kneeling down next to the bed that crinkles white and taking up one of her hands in his, so slack he can’t help the anxious squeezes he pulses through her fingers. And finally, he clears his throat of that sick souring so what he says to her can be simple, simple, simple.

“I thought things were good.”

“They were.”

“Do you know what this does to me?”

“It has nothing to do with you.”

“Please, June.”

“I can go. This isn’t good for you.” I’m not good for you. Unblinking, cool and calculated in what she says. Like she’s done this before.

“I don’t think I could stand that.”

“You can’t stand this either, Joel.”

“No, I can’t.” 

He finally realizes something. That night, they were out in that field for two very different reasons. His was an acute hopelessness, something that felt close to logic. But hers was old, calcified somewhere deep inside her. Something that may have even been there twenty years ago, before any of this. Something she said, a thread he tugs on now. I’d always been like that. 

No cause, no effect. No problem he can hunt down and solve. Both freeing and damning in this revelation. Because she has a mind that makes leaving seem like a good idea. And he’s hellbent on making her stay.

“What do you want, June?” The question seems to shock her, eyes widening and lips parting. And then all at once, she folds up into a sob. 

It’s hard to catch, the warbled slur of her words muffled over his bad ear where his face is pressed into her neck, holding her close, close, close. But he can still figure out that it’s a pleading chant of the same two words. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. 

…

“How long?”

“A long time.”

“How many?” “Too many.” There’s another question that hangs in his throat, one she seems to pull out of him without words.

“Someone needed me, so I stopped.” 

“You don’t think I need you?” 

“I’m scared that you do.”

“Why?”

“I’m no good, Joel.” 

“I don’t believe that.” “You should.”

…

“How can I know?” “How can you know what?”

“How can I know when it’s getting like that again?”

“I’m not sure I even know that.”

“Try, please.”

“It happens fast. Something just clicks.” 

“Will you tell me? When it clicks?”

“I’ll try.” 

…

His back hurts. He’s been sleeping curled around her in the white bed that crinkles all week because the doctors wanted to make sure she was stable. And while there’s no scar he can see on her skin, he finds remnants in the drawn darkness of her face, the weak hum of her voice, and the perpetual fatigue that seems to hang heavy down her spine. 

But she’s home now, moving like a faded ghost, careful and quiet, her cheek perpetually propped in her palm. 

“Is it your back?” The pot is simmering on the stove, something warm, something rich, something that will stick. And she’s sitting at the kitchen table watching him make something warm, something rich, something that will stick.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not moving like you’re fine.” 

“I’m fine, June.” Too much bite, his throat seizes with it.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. Let’s eat.” 

This, something he can control. This, something he can fix. Each mouthful, a relief.

“Can I help?” Palms open, outstretched. He could never say no. Sitting between her legs with his back against the couch, her hands smooth over his shoulders, generating quick heat. And then she digs, the small moons of her fingers finding all those tangles, taut, taut, taut. His head tips back with it, a pain that pulses perfectly, catch and release in the way her hands move over muscle. 

It’s sudden, startling, something that cracks in his chest and shakes his shoulders. He only realizes he’s crying when she tilts his chin back to see the tears.

“Oh, Joel.” He’s been holding it all, every splintered piece. But now he lays himself at her feet in a crumbling heap. On his knees. He’s on his knees and pressing his face into the soft hollow of her stomach and he’s crying so hard he can barely get a breath in.

“Please, June.” Please, please, please. Over and over, his prayer to her. Something, anything. He’d take anything she might give him. 

The careful sweep of her palm, coaxing his face out from her shirt, her thumbs a kind arc, catching the salt dripping down his cheeks. It’s overwhelming, the care she so easily gives him, and it just makes him cry harder because somehow that’s true at the same time everything else is. And she lets him. Cradles his head in her hand and pulls him closer as he cries and cries and cries until he’s not really sure what he’s crying about anymore. 

When all that’s left is a shudder in his ribs, she slips off the couch to sit with him, chest to chest, faces tucked into the crooks of necks, arms wrapped tight, tight, tight.

“I’m here.” Words stamped into the curve of his throat, her lips an exultant thrum.

“Don’t go.”

“I won’t.”

“I would follow you. I would too.”

“I wouldn’t want that.”

“Then don’t go.”

“I won’t.” “Promise me.” Silence. The slight curl of her fingers at the back of his neck.

“Promise me, June.” 

“I can’t, Joel.” 

“Then promise me you’ll try.” 

“I’ll try, I promise.” 

It burns up in him. A need that turns liquid, molten until all he can do is seek out her lips in a kiss he hopes will bruise. She’s there to receive it, open, willing, her mouth easy and warm against the desperate snarl of his. And he isn’t being gentle. He can’t be. Not right now. 

A button snaps off her shirt in his frantic fumbling, the light pop of it like a tooth coming loose and he wants to hear that sound again, a trail of ruin that leaves her bare to him. Lays her out right there, making this moment permanent with the harsh suck of his mouth, leaving himself across the jittery planes of her chest, the jolt of her stomach, the jut of her hips. She lets him. Lets him, lets him, lets him. Her eyes careful, wide, watching him beneath a crumpled brow as he takes and takes and takes. 

Red like–

Dripping like–

But she’s sweet, so sweet. His jaw aches with it. Slipping down his throat with each hot drag of his tongue, all the muscle, bone, ligament he holds jumping under his palms. Singular, nothing else, just the taut curl of her spine, perfect pain, perfect pleasure. Something permanent in the way his name breaks in her chest when he pulls her over the edge. And even when her hips start to stutter like broken wings, he persists, his forearm a heavy cage over her pelvis. 

Again. Take what I am giving you.

Again. Let me make you stay.

Again. Let me make this real.

Again. Let me, let me, let me. 

He makes her cry with it. Revelation realized. And when she finally sobs out for him to come closer, please, please, please, he relents. Seeking out the salt on her skin with his mouth. Open, receiving, wanting. 

Everything goes slow, syrupy, slipping sweet when his hips meet hers. And his heart might burst if he moves, veins splitting open and seeping out with how big this feeling is. But she’s steady beneath him, sure fingers brushing back the damp hair in his face, brushing over his scrunched shut eyes, coaxing them open. 

“It’s okay, Joel.” Soft, simple, the song of a bird that beats against his ribs. And it’s devastating when he finally moves. Everything, all of it. He leaves all that he can at the gates of her hips. All of the anger, all of the hate, all of the despair, and all of that dizzying feeling he can’t quite name. She takes it, all of it, her lips a permanent press to his brow, arms holding him tight, tight, tight. 

Her name, over and over. An invocation stamped into her skin. Stay, stay, stay.

His name, over and over. A prayer being met. Here, here, here. 

They unravel so well for each other.

When all that’s left is drying salt and jagged heartbeats, still he remains. Keeping her close, tangled. And it isn’t really a kiss. Two mouths, open, receiving and willing breath from the other. The machinery of their bodies fitting together to create some new beast. 

“I’m hungry.” 

“You are?”

“Hmm.”

They stand in the kitchen, bare, sweat cooling in the hollows of their skin. Pears, some of the last sweetness before winter. Burning red that reveals pale flesh. They pass it between careful palms, teeth marking new, dripping wounds with each bite. Their lips turn shiny with it, seeking out syrup, smacking, greedy mouths that take, take, take. And when all that’s left are seeds and stem, they chase what’s left off each other’s tongues.

…

His back hurts. He slept curled around her last night. On the floor in front of the couch. His body draped over hers warm, warm, warm. She’s perfect like this, peaceful beneath the weight of him, only stirring with the soft brush of his nose along her jaw. Eyes flickering open and she’s here, really here, with him. 

“Good morning, June.” “Good morning, Joel.”

.......................................

taglist: @thetriumphantpanda @suzmagine @casa-boiardi @hollywoodcaligirl @kelp-dreaming @beskarandblasters @swiftispunk @tieronecrush @wannab-urs @jksprincess10 @darkroastjoel @sarahhxx03 @ambassadortotrilliusprime @northernbluess

#joel miller #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller x reader #tlou #tlou fanfiction #joel miller angst #the last of us #joel miller fluff #joel miller fic #joel miller smut #joel miller series #joel miller story #joel miller au #joel miller x oc #june

[alwaysspeakshermind]

Who was the worst in The Hunger Games, snow or coin?

Why?

Thank you. @curiousnonny

Oh, man.

I have a *lot* of feelings on this particular subject (one of my favorite things about THG trilogy is that it places in the antagonist role two good examples of my most loathed types of villains: politicians kidding but not really), so thanks for the ask!

Coin:

While I personally despise her subtle, lay-low/don't-strike-until-you-see-the-whites-of-their-eyes approach, I respect her commitment to winning, and I love that she was the one who got to unseat Snow.

That being said...I can't forgive her for the win-at-all-costs mindset that led her to use some of the most morally-reprehensible tactics I can think of when it comes to fighting (torturing citizens, trying to send a possible political rival to their death, sending the family member of said possible rival to an all but certain doom simply to eliminate the rival's will to live, treating The Other Side's children as expendable, etc.). I think she represents one of the most dangerous types of villains you see (both in fiction and in real life) because she presents herself as the sane, moderate, People's Champion type of leader who stands in opposition to oppression and brutality, but the regime she presents is simply severe and restrictive in different ways she's not advertising, and she is every bit as willing to sit back and watch people die as long as they are not her people...also, she truly doesn't care who she steps on, kicks aside, or ruins in her (quiet) quest for power.

[I also have this theory that she's named Coin because she and Snow have this two-sides-to-the-same-coin duality and we're meant to understand that while she's coming at things from a different angle than Snow, she has the same hunger for power and ruthless desire to maintain stability no matter the human cost.]

Snow:

[Another quick side note: I am a huge proponent of TBOSAS. It's my favorite villain origin story (Marissa Meyer's Fairest is probably the only other book that comes close for me), and I personally think it's Suzanne's Collins' best work and everyone should read it because it shows the fine line/slippery slope between a mindset of understandable self-preservation and the sort of arrogance-driven inhumanity that leads people into committing atrocities against each other or standing back and allowing the atrocities to happen. I will literally never NOT recommend this book but, that being said, I'm not going to reference Snow's actions in this book as they occur outside the realm of THG trilogy.]

While I allow a grudging respect for his logic, strategic efficiency, and commitment to being straightforward/open with Katniss about his dislike for her, I hate Snow's cruelty with a burning passion, and his utter contempt for people he deems "lesser" makes my blood absolutely boil. Yes, pragmatism is a thing. Yes, it is difficult being a leader. Yes, leaders do sometimes face a choice between saving the lives of many at the cost of a few.

But the thing about Snow is that he is simply intent on maintaining power whatever the (human) cost and to me, that crosses a line. No, he isn't the creator of the Games, but he does hold the power to end them. Does he end them? No. Instead, he not only chooses to keep them going, but deliberately finds ways to change the rules in his own favor, thus making an already-unfair, practically hopeless situation that much more unfair and hopeless. To intimidate the districts/instill fear in all citizens outside the Capitol, he makes sure they remember that they are only allowed to exist because of the Capitol's mercy, and that if they want to be allowed to keep that existence, they will have to abide by the Capitol's terms. Sending children into the Games as a form of punishment would be barbaric enough if it were just after the districts' uprising but, as we know from the books, that's not even the case...the children who are being killed in the games are the descendants of the original rebel districts, so forcing them to pay for the supposed sins of their grandparents/possible great-grandparents is beyond evil.

Also, there's this other thing his actions ultimately engineer/shape, and that's the twisted Capitol reality. Like all smart-but-evil dictators, he doesn't just rely on the weeding out of his enemies/the intimidation of the group he has declared "lesser." He also uses the Capitol citizens and their (very natural, very human) desire for peace and prosperity to create allies for himself by reinforcing this idea of Us vs Them, by drawing a distinction between Capitol children (precious, must be protected at all costs) and District children (expendable, animalistic, Other™ ). It's not a new tactic; it's one all kinds of groups/armies/organizations/governments use to engender hate and distrust, but it's a highly effective one in a world like the Capitol, where everyday life is so shiny and fun and distracting that it's easy for people to detach themselves from the reality that they're watching 24 children murder each other every year. And the thing about that, even if the Capitol citizens don't know it (or pretend not to know it), is that Snow encouraging them to celebrate the Games and view the districts as less than human is also costing the Capitol citizens their humanity in return (aka, panem et circenses, where you shelve or hand over your morality in exchange for food/comfort/entertainment etc.). So, altogether, while Snow is not actively getting his hands dirty by killing people himself (excluding those poison deaths, possibly), he is routinely arranging the murders of innocents, recruiting and corrupting (or destroying) everyone he possibly can, and he's doing it all in the name of peace.

All of those things combined pretty much enrages me, so ultimately, my opinion boils down to this:

Both Coin and Snow are effective leaders and terrible people whose desire for power and control push them into crossing lines that should not be crossed. But out of the two, Snow is the worst.

#ask: answered #ask: anon #user: curiousnonny #ask: thg #thg meta #coriolanus snow #alma coin #my opinion #currently reliving how angry they both made me wow

[makorays]

I'm curious if its ok to ask about how it is to be bipolar like do you feel different or anything? have you always been bipolar? how do you know you have it?

you'll want to get a psychological evaluation done, it's how i got diagnosed. but even without a diagnosis i probably could've figured it out. this is a chart i made of how my overall mood felt on a scale from 0 to 10 on every day of 2022 and 2023. anything below that red line in the middle is when my mood is low enough to make accomplishing anything more than super basic tasks very difficult.

i actually really wish i had another chart to compare mine to, because uh, i'm PRETTY SURE this isn't normal. see how i'll like, have a string of good days, but then all of a sudden i flip and feel like absolute garbage for a bit?

bipolar is characterized by one's mood shifting in and out of hypomania and depression with little to no apparent cause. it typically doesn't manifest until adulthood. starting from when i was an adult, i kept feeling super super depressed without having any idea why, i'd always search my head to see if there was anything weighing on me at the time but i always came up short. or if i DID find something to be upset about, it was only on my mind AFTER the bad feelings already hit, and the bad feelings made me ruminate on the upsetting thought and feel hopeless.

imagine being so happy for a couple of days that you accomplish everything you wanted to do that week, music feels more amazing than usual, everything is exciting, you love the world and everyone and yourself and everything is great.

now imagine waking up after one of those days and having the first thought of the morning being "god i want to die." not a single apparent reason for it, you were feeling fine the night before, but all of a sudden everything is just wrong. everything hurts. you feel so weak that you have to muster up strength just to do basic household chores. you don't care about anything. all of your dreams, everything you've spent your life working for, all of it feels completely pointless. even if you had the motivation to work on something, you certainly don't have the energy. the simple act of moving your body starts to feel like you're swimming through black sludge. your personality shifts and you become a worse person because you're filled head to toe with pain and apathy and you have zero energy to deal with anyone's shit. your brain starts dedicating a ton of resources to inject you with raw suffering. you know that feeling you get when you hit your knee against a sharp corner? when a romantic partner breaks up with you? when someone manages to insult you in a way that hits every single insecurity you have? y'know...Pain? imagine feeling JUST that pain, without any of those things to cause it. imagine your default state is not one of neutrality, but of suffering. imagine a voice in your head, indistinguishable from yourself (because it IS you, just not a you you'd like to be) starts mocking you, calling you pathetic, telling you you've wasted your life and you'll never find happiness. imagine being so used to this voice that you've pretty much gotten a total handle on how to silence it, but silencing it does nothing for all the wordless pain you're also feeling. imagine clearing your head of all your worries, searching for that inner peace that normally acts as the bedrock to your mind, and finding it to have been replaced by a fundamental sensation of wrongness. imagine feeling so trapped in the torture chamber that is your head that you start asking yourself which wall of your bedroom would be most optimal for bashing your skull through. imagine questioning how it could be possible for anyone to be forged this broken. imagine being so intimately familiar with the chronic psychic pain that your only logical options are to either suppress it with medication or kill yourself.

now imagine going back to that other version of yourself, the happy one, the one whose brain tells them everything's fine. imagine starting to pull your life together, making more complex and healthy meals, working out every day or two, practicing skills, making progress with projects, and then imagine suddenly and completely losing all motivation to continue doing any of that because another inevitable downswing hits. imagine watching your muscles go back to how they were before you started working out because you literally do not have enough willpower in your entire body to do it consistently while in this state of mind.

so imagine now that there are two versions of you. one of them is living a happy life, making progress, pursuing his dreams, enjoying his time. but then there's this OTHER you, who always trips and falls back down the stairs you worked so hard to climb, who has spent their entire life feeling chronically depressed for no reason, and they're starting to get tired of it. the happy you starts to show up less and less, and the sad you gets to go further and further through their character arc. except, if you're anything like me, that storyline ends in suicide. you have to not give that version of you what they want, no matter how powerful their voice becomes, no matter how badly they want it, no matter how sick and tired they are of having to deal with this, no matter how much suffering they are experiencing. you have to keep torturing them, force them to live, until you can find the right medication to kill them in a way where they won't take your better half down with them.

and i should clarify, this is not multiple personality disorder. i'm still "me" whenever my shifts happen, the different voices in my head are just how i describe my conflicting thoughts. i am a democracy of neurons whose job is to make sure the dark and irrational neurons get outvoted. unfortunately, i can only influence the ones i am conscious of.

anyway hopefully these meds work :)

#bipolar #bipolar 2

[lily-janus]

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Summary: Roman goes to talk to Logan after the fight... but words might not be enough this time...

Pairing: platonic logince

Warnings: self depricating talk, feeling overlooked, crying, yelling, ANGST. Lwmme know if I missed anything.

Word count: 1,265

For @loginceweek2023 day 2- poetry comfort (used the swap card)

This is the aftermath of a one shot I wrote for last year's week: Everything Ends In Faliure. The beginning can be a bit confusing if you haven't read the previous one but the rest can stand on its own I think if you don't want to read it.

Enjoy!

--------------------

"If you ever need to talk-" Roman starts, but Logan shuts the door in his face before he can finish.

Roman frowns in confusion, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, suddenly realizing his creations were watching the entire scene. With a quick wave he puts them back in their houses and makes the beast disappear.

What was that all about… since when is Logan running around looking for something to fight? And without a weapon too? That's oddly irrational of him… something's up…

He should probably go talk to him.

He takes a deep breath, opens the door and walks outside.

As he walks to Logan's room, the events of a few minutes ago keep replaying in his mind.

"I said I'm fine okay?!"

"I thought you were supposed to be the smart one!"

He just can't shake away that look on Logan's face after he saved him… he never saw Logan like that. He almost looked… broken, hopeless… maybe even angry.

Roman swallows nervously, whatever it is that's eating at Logan, he's going to do his best to help him.

He knocks on Logan's door, and waits.

"Go away."

Roman frowns, Logan never answers his door like that, he usually even leaves it open in case someone needs his help.

"It's everyone's favorite prince!" He tries in his cheerful tone.

"What do you want?" Logan says from the other side of the door.

"Why, you to help me with my homework of course, Teach!" Roman chuckles, hoping it'll lighten the tension a bit.

He can practically hear Logan rolling his eyes. "Roman…"

Roman sighs. "I'm just worried about you, Specs, can I come in?"

The door opens a fraction to reveal Logan's annoyed face. "As I already told you, I'm fine, you can stop pretending you care now and go back to slaying your impossible beasts." He moves to shut the door again but Roman puts his hand on it to stop it from closing.

"Nice try but you're not getting rid of me that easily." He opens the door wider and strouds past Logan and into his room. "In fact, I'm not leaving until you tell me what's bothering you. So either you tell me, or say hello to your new roommate!" He sits on his bed, folding his arms over his chest in a show of stubbornness.

Logan closes the door slowly, sighing heavily and shaking his head. "You are the most stubborn, annoying and frustrating side in this entire mindscape." He pinches the bridge of his nose.

Roman grins. "I know, it's my specialty. Now, what's on your mind Nerdio? Someone giving you a hard time? Too much work? I'm all ears." He pats the space next to him on the bed invitingly.

"There's nothing 'on my mind', Roman, as I already said-"

"I think I'll move my bed right next to yours… oh! And add some glitter to the walls, and red, you definitely need more red in here…" Roman tapped his chin in mock consideration.

"Okay, fine! I'll tell you what's wrong!" Logan snapped.

Roman flinched at the unexpected aggressiveness from the otherwise composed side, suddenly regretting provoking him.

"You!" He points at Roman. "You are the problem! All of you, including Thomas! …Or maybe I'm the problem…" Logan deflates a bit. "I don't know but something feels… not good." He turns away from Roman, hugging himself tightly.

"It doesn't make any sense, I know, I've been trying to make sense of it all but… well it's not exactly working." He then chuckles emptily. "Look at me, the logical side who can't make sense of the situation… What a joke." He says bitterly.

Roman frowns in concern. "Logan… just because you're Thomas' logic doesn't mean you have to know everything, you're allowed to be confused, life is confusing."

Logan does the same, weird, empty chuckle again, "if that's so 'allowed'..." he rolls his eyes. "Why do I keep being overlooked? Why do I keep getting outshined by literally everyone else? What's even the point of offering help when it's obvious no one here wants it! What am I doing wrong?!" He slams his fist on his work table, making everything on it shake violently.

"Do I even matter to you? Do I have any value at all? Or am I just here so you can dismiss me and move on?" Logan's voice is small now, even a bit shaky, and it takes Roman a long moment to realize that:

Logan is crying…

For a moment, all was quiet except for Logan's quiet sniffling, Roman not knowing what to say.

"...C-c'mon, Teach, you know how we are, getting all emotional and arguing, it has nothing to do with you. Of course you matter and have value, we're a family remember?" Roman eventually found his words. Logan's back was still turned to him but he could see he was shaking.

Slowly, Roman got up and walked towards him. "There's nothing wrong with you, you hear me? It might feel that way… we might have made you feel that way but… it's not true, we need you, just like you are, and we'll try to listen to you more, you have my word."

Logan suddenly turned to him sharply. "You… need me? …You're not just saying that?" Logan was looking at him with hopeful eyes.

"It's gonna be okay kiddo, we love you."

"....right."

Roman shook the memory away quickly, words aren't going to be enough here… actions speak louder than words. He nodded firmly to Logan. "Yes, we do, I mean it, and I'm gonna prove it to you."

Logan wiped his tears, looking at Roman with confusion. "What does that mean?"

Roman grinned. "You'll see, follow me!" He passed Logan, grabbing his hand and leading them outside and to his room.

He rummaged around, looking for something.

"Roman… what are you doing?" Logan asked, sounding much more like his exasperated self, which Roman chose to take as a good sign.

"I know it's around here somewhere… ah-ha!" He held up the notebook triumphantly.

"A… notebook, I feel needed already." Logan raised a skeptical eyebrow, another good sign.

"The notebook." Roman correct. "This is where I wrote down all of Thomas' biggest dreams! Come on, read it!"

Frowning, Logan took the notebook and flipped through it. "This is all highly delusional and unrealistic." He said after a while.

Roman nodded. "Exactly!" He handed him a different notebook. "Now read this!"

Still looking confused, Logan took the other one and flipped through it as well. "This is where I wrote down Thomas' accomplishments over the years." He explained. "Now, compare the two." He instructed, and Logan did.

He then looked up at Roman. "You see now?" Roman asked him softly. "Thomas would have gotten nowhere without you rationalizing his biggest wishes and dreams into manageable steps, thanks to you, he was able to get where he wanted in life! If he had just listened to my great dreams and fantasies he would have just spent his days daydreaming without accomplishing anything! We need you, Logan… I need you. You help make our visions a reality."

Logan closed the notebooks, holding them close to his chest. "I… never realized…" He looked up at Roman, then suddenly dropped the notebooks and pulled him into a tight hug. "Thank you." He whispered shakily in his ear. "Thank you, thank you, thank you…" he was crying again, but as more of a release of tension than anything else.

Roman was shocked for a moment, but then smiled, hugging the logical side back, "you're welcome, Teach."

#sanders sides #logan sanders #roman sanders #Everything Ends In Failure sequal #loginceweek2023 #platonic logince #loginceweek2023 day 2-poetry #swapped to Comfort #logan angst #happy ending #tw self deprecation #tw shouting #cw crying #hurt comfort #Lily writes

[erabundus]

@ruinlost &&. said... ‘ you look like you just saw a ghost.’  -farrow 🕺

taiyang  is  his  own  person.  he  knows  that  —  knows  just  how  ridiculous  it  is  to  delude  himself  into  thinking  otherwise.  yet  cold  logic  has  never  done  much  to  dissuade  irrational  thoughts,  and  the  wanderer's  mind  is  especially  prone  to  illusions  of  what  he  wants  to  see  —  rather  than  what  actually  is.  a  smile.  a  laugh.  a  particular  inflection  in  his  voice.  (  he  isn't  the  first  to  call  him  older  brother.  )  and  for  a  moment,  ren  can't  help  but  see  someone  else  standing  in  his  place.  it  washes  over  him  like  an  icy  wave;  memories  of  what  (  who  )  he's  lost  —  of  what  (  who  )  he's  failed  to  SAVE.  though  it  does  help  fuel  the  wanderer's  determination  to  ensure  history  is  denied  the  opportunity  to  repeat  its  grisly  cycle,  that  doesn't  make  the  echoes  of  such a hopeless  past  sting  any  less.

he's  lent  him  his  hat;  set  it  carefully  atop  the  boy's  head  and  sent  him  on  his  way.  unfortunately,  the  well  intentioned  action  comes  with  a  consequence  —  namely,  that  ren's  face  has  been  left  exposed.  it's  a  problem,  because  he  wears  the  heart  he  doesn't  actually  possess  on  his  features;  emotions  SURGE  across  doll  like  countenance  with  a  ferocity  the  wanderer  can  barely  hope  to  contain.  he  foolishly  assumes  it's  fine  in  this  instance  —  and  only  realizes  his  mistake  when  farrow  speaks.  ah.  didn't  know  he  had  an  AUDIENCE.

...  what  kind  of  EXPRESSION  was  he  wearing  just  then?  melancholy?  loss?  it's  hard  to  put  the  pain  he  feels  into  words  —  not  quite  sadness  so  much  as  it  is  a  physical  sensation  that  leaves  him  feeling  raw  and  hollow.  it's almost like  the  grief  has  been  eating  away  at  his  insides  to  make  room  for  more  of  itself.  humans  have  their  own  ways  of  processing  these  things;  the  feelings  weaken  over  time,  grow  easier  to  manage,  to  make  their  peace  with.  ren  has  never  learned  how  —  he  mourns  with  ferocity  beyond  mortal  comprehension.  the  wounds  never  heal,  the  pain  never  dulls.  it  only  condenses  in  on  itself,  layer  upon  layer  of  betrayal  and  hurt  and  ugliness  that  sits  heavy  in  his  otherwise  hollow  chest  like  a  stone.  his  memory  is  too  perfect.  his  emotions  are  too  powerful.  his  coping  mechanisms  too  underdeveloped  to  handle  anything  with  grace.

a ghost, farrow says. how ironic; it feels like a ghost is exactly what he's seen.

❝  it's  fine.  ❞  ren  replies.  ❝  i'm ...  fine.  ❞   he  isn't  so  sure  about  that  —  and  the  UNCERTAINTY  no  doubt  bleeds  into  his  voice.  what  other  choice  does  he  have,  than  to  be  fine?  if  misery  was  all  it  took  to  solve  one's  problems,  the  wanderer  thinks  he  wouldn't  have  a  single  one  left.  he  exhales  a  shallow  breath.  he  doesn't  want  to  look  at  him  —  yet  now  it's  farrow's  face  ren  can't  bear  to  see  revealed.  if  his  brother  is  gazing  at  him  with  anything  resembling  PITY,  he  thinks  it  may  break  him  in  some  impossibly permanent  way.

❝  ...  have  you  ever  lost  anyone  before?  ❞   the  question  slips  out  of  him  before  he  has  a  chance  to  stop  it.  perhaps  a  distraction,  perhaps  something  genuine.  a  thinly  veiled  cry  for  empathy.   ❝  do  you  REMEMBER?  ❞

RANDOM DIALOGUE STARTERS

#ruinlost #( hits you with ye olde ''everything hurts!!!'' )

[macemage]

I should say

(from my phone's notes, 6 August 2023)

Why do I feel sad? Do you still love me? Did we fall apart? Have we changed so much that things are too different now?

I love you and I want to kiss you, hug you, touch you but I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I always thought that these things weren't for me but when I'm with you I want to do all these things, things that couples do that I hated seeing in others but now I want to be like them.

Are we a couple? Or are we just friends?

Why do I feel so awkward? Why do I want to cry everytime you ignore me?

I know logically that it isn't your intention to do so but it still hurts and I can't speak about these things because they are not important, because I can't deal with these emotions and instead I bury them deep down because I'm not allowed to feel, I'm a machine I grew to be.

But I love you and I want to show you, I need this but for you it's fine as it is so I'll shut up, I'll just smile and keep going but I now I'll be hurt and I won't say anything because I'm weak, I can't deal with my emotions and I know I won't.

I want to cry and scream but since I was little I was programmed not to say anything, that emotions are just useless and unimportant.

It's better to let you go, let you realize you are better off alone, because you're stronger and I won't put you down with my stupid emotions.

I know I'll regret not doing anything, that next time it will be stranger, we'll be more strangers that we are now.

Do I really know you? Do I really love you? You're beautiful as you are, strong and independent. Why are you with me? You could choose anyone but you don't want to, I know you feel better alone.

I'll just fuck things up, I don't have the courage to tell you how I'm feeling because you'll understand but nothing will change. I'm just stupid with my stupid problems and you have enough problems in your life. I'm not going to make more problems for you but I know that someday I'll blow up and you'll realize I'm not anymore the person that you thought you loved. Am I?

I cried beside you. Did you see me? Did you ask yourself why? Or it is better to ignore? since there's no reaction does it mean it is already over?

I don't want to lose you but I think it's better for you. I won't ever again feel these emotions, I don't care about anyone like I care for you.

I feel so stupid, I know people change over the years, I thought that we were soulmates, that everything will be okay if we are together so why do I feel like this? Why do I feel there's no hope, that I'm too far gone to get you, that I can't even say that I love you in front of you, that I have to be drunk or drugged to do it, to reach to you and just taking your hand, just to kiss you and hug you.

Why can't I do that? Why do I feel so hopeless? I found the love of my life and I can't even express myself, I can't even make moments special, I'll be broken inside and I can't even tell you.

It's been years since I thought about it and I decided to wait to see your face before I told you and now that I'm here, I can't. Why?

There's a thing that I have been meaning to tell you for at least two years. I thought that it was better to wait and tell you in person but now that we're here I'm afraid. I stumble over my words and I don't know if I can make myself clear to you. We already talked about it and you said you understood but I still feel the same way and nothing has changed. I don't know if it's just unimportant or useless to you, or it's just not the right moment, maybe my words still won't change anything, if I'm right then you'll just ignore it and I'll try to do the same.

The first time we saw each other I wanted to hug you and kiss you until my breath was no more but instead I felt awkward and I didn't know what to do with myself, with a bit of alchool we could do all these things I wanted. I noticed I acted like a baby boy with his first crush trying to get your attention and when we were drunk i had it but when i was sober i turned back in an awkward nerd.

Then the second time we saw each other we didn't do anything, we didn't go out or party or watch movies or play games or literally anything, I just wanted to touch you, hug you and cuddle, just be near you and let our legs touch themself was fine by me, but you were all the time on the phone and I was feeling sad but kept telling myself not to bother you since you worked a lot and it was basically a holiday for you.

Later you said you were not feeling good and I understood but at the time it still had hurted somehow, I could have said something but I didn't and Iet my nervousness take hold of my brain freezing everything.

That week we spend together we were just in the same room not saying anything, we see each other so rarely that I thought it was a waste, I regretted not doing anything, I felt like the biggest idiot in the world.

Then I decided next time I was going to see you we'll be having this conversation, I wanted to make us both aware of the situation and work throught it, maybe with exercises for building ourselves more comfortable with casual touches and being vulnerable with our feelings (things that we are both not that good at). I wanted to be comfortable around you and not so nervous I have to stop myself to be moody, I want us to be a couple and do what other couples do like holding hands and kissing and be intimate when we feel like it, I know we will not be 100% normal, that's who we are and I accepted it since I was little that I'll be never like others but I wanted this, I wanted to be close and make our relationship stronger.

But I can't even have this conversation with you. I feel awkward just to lean and reach your hand or to kiss you on the cheek, I don't want to be clingy and I don't want to make you uncomfortable, I just want to be your boyfriend, your future husband, the father of our future adoped kids and cats.

Why am I like this? I start to get nervous and then question and doubt myself. Am I being pushy? Do you still love me even if we are not 16 years old anymore?

I don't want to bother you and I don't want to give you more problems since you have enough so I'll just shut up and pretend my mind doesn't drift away with these thoughts, don't worry, you can easily ignore me.

I'm sorry for ranting but I love you

#can't keep this in my notes #this so fucking long #in the end we broke up #so i was right #writing #love poem #lovers #love #writers and poets #poetry #poem #poets on tumblr #original poem #arospec #relationship #vent #vent poem #vent poetry #mental illness #mental health #qpr #long distance relationship #long distance qpr #long distance love #long distance romance #long post #long vent #raw thoughts #dear diary #unsent love letters

[luckydragon10]

I loved the way we got to see Kinn’s mark in TKT. Sometimes in stories quite bit of time gets spend establishing how this one thing is impossible to do, then at the end bam the plot gets solved in the exact way we established was impossible. It’s fine mostly because I love happy endings but these endings generally feel underwhelming honestly. Which is why I loved the way we got to see Porsche’s flower in TKT, it didn’t break the impossible (it was not on Kinn, didn’t just repair soul recognition, etc.) and it had very logical explanation behind it.  Not only that, it was also in a way I didn’t guess at all, so it was a wonderful surprise. Before we got to see the epilogue though, I was thinking of ways we could get to see Porsche’s flower, this was what I had come up with:

(One thing with mark seeds not being literal seeds is that it breaks main premise of my idea, but the Note who have written it didn’t yet know the meta of mark seeds so we will have to overlook it)

Magic seed or not marks come from seeds, so the thing is if you preserve the taken-out seed properly it can grow in soil too!

Backstory would be: Kinn, the hopeless romantic, couldn’t get rid of his seed completely so he kept it (OR he couldn’t stomach taking it out then keeping the hope alive, so he thought to get rid of it completely, but Tankhun kept it secretly instead.)

And it doesn’t come up with Tawan because he is all like ‘it is too painful for me, let’s not talk about it’ or ‘we don’t need marks anyway, we are fine’ and Kinn doesn’t say anything to not hurt him. (Or in the scenario Tankhun kept it, he doesn’t believe Tawan at all, so he doesn’t say anything.)

Then Porsche comes and seed comes up too. (With Khun has the seed scenario, maybe Khun and Kinn have similar dialog about seed removal “Sorry I didn’t convince you to not take your seed out… But here I kept it for you.”)

And for growing the seed in the soil, it can be:

1- Different seeds need different environments, so Kinn and Porsche tries to grow the flower without killing it (angst maybe?) while trying to guess what it would need, what kind of flower it is.

2- Like the normal bond seeds it only needs affection and closeness from soulmate and environment doesn’t matter at all so all ends well.

3- (Gory?) It is a magical seed so the soil, temperature, etc. doesn’t matter but it was supposed to grow in body, so it not only needs Porsche’s closeness but also constant blood supply, or some kind of sacrifice, from Kinn.

“I think if I hadn't done what I did in the epilogue, I might have gotten pitchforks at my door demanding to know what the flower was.“

I’m not saying you would….but yes you would have definitely gotten pitchforks at your door😈

(For reference, the fic in question: The King's Tree)

D'AWWW, omg yeah, this is sweet. Although I went a different way with canon, I also love this imagery! I can also picture Kinn being very angsty over the survival of the plant. 🤣 Gardener!Kinn was not on my bingo card, but I'm very much in favor of it.

As for the pitchforks, whew, dodged that bullet.

Thank you, thank you, my precious, for sharing this brain worm of yours! I'm especially touched that you saved it all this long while. 🥰

#the king's tree kp fanfic #kinnporsche #kinnporsche fanfic #my fanfic #kinn theerapanyakul #porsche kittisawat #nemi answers #spoilers

[roominthecastle]

I am honestly so confused by the 'Harry is Goliath' reveal. More than the storyline, just that they figured it out. At no point has time travel been a thing. (Right? Did I miss a hint somewhere about it?) Shapeshifting on the other hand - most definitely a thing. So why, when confronted with things that no one else should know/have been present for, wasn't the first theory: 'Goliath came to Patience and spied on us, and we had no idea because he could've looked like literally anyone'.

But: somehow, Harry is Goliath and made messages for himself!

Like, how is that a logical leap to take? Why did Asta come up with that? On the list of possible explanations for the paintings, that was like... number 37.

I know they're seriously deviating from the comic and that's fine, but this is such a weird, convoluted thing to do. Putting aside the time loop issue and inevitability and how stupidly they've written themselves into a corner with this (if they prevent the destruction of earth, Harry won't be stuck for 300 years, won't evolve, won't come back as Goliath, won't warn himself, so the destruction will happen... and they're stuck in a spiral now.) it's just not necessary. We went from the idea that aliens exposed to humanity for long enough could change and learn to feel and care. But turns out, no. Just Harry. He's alone in this.

Again.

My head is def still spinning with this twist, anon, so bear with me as I try to feel my way to a semi-coherent answer. But thank you for this ask bc it gave me a great opportunity to try and wrap my brain around what the fresh hell is going on here :D

The short version is: I, too, am confused and can only hope they sort this mess in a satisfactory way.

The long, rambly version:

I don't think the possibility of time travel's been explicit but it's been implicitly present since day one - sort of like Chekhov's wormhole. Harry said his home is 46 light-years away, so it would have been pointless for him to radio his people to stay away for 50 years because even if they could travel at the speed of light, it would still take them about 50 years to arrive. Therefore, they must have figured out how to use wormholes and the necessary ingredient for this is the same that enables time travel (and is in Harry's alien balls, I suspect): exotic matter. Not at all sure how aware Asta is of all this but she has seen all the crazy stuff Harry can do + she’s been deep diving into all things alien on the internet, so the idea of time travel might have been floating around in her mind already.

That being said, my reaction was the same as yours when she instantly zeroed in on Goliath-is-time-traveling-Harry. It def feels like a result of a pacing/writing issue that's really starting to chafe this show, imo. They are crunching plot at the expense of everything else and I'm never a fan of that. And it's not the plot I don't like, it's the speed that warps everything around it, characters included. Plus I've also developed an aversion to "gamechanger" surprise twists but that's not this show's fault, it's just that I've rarely experienced one that doesn't knife an otherwise promising story in the heart, so I’m always reflexively concerned whenever it happens. Fingers crossed they have an actual plan beyond “shock and awe”.

Right now everything depends on where they choose to go with this twist. It's a mess but it can still be great and meaningful. Time travel stories are ripe with contradictions that regularly make my head hurt (I still love them, tho). The particular paradox you describe would def reduce this story to a hopeless, pointless fixed loop that goes against the governing massage of hope they've been cultivating.

One (maybe the only) solution I can think of atm is introducing the idea of parallel, intersecting timelines that connect via wormholes or "bridges". The fact that this ep also featured an actual bridge connecting past/present/future might not be accidental, either. In the ep Harry also mentions ley lines which are believed by some to be pockets of concentrated energy (like wormholes) that connect places. So maybe they are the spots where parallel worlds also brush up against each other.

In this scenario, future!Harry steps back into the past of an intersecting parallel timeline (ours) where he can effect meaningful change and safeguard Earth. This way this version of him would not be stuck in a doomed loop forever, "our" Harry can live out the rest of his days without having to become Goliath, and the paradox would be eliminated.

And this would take nothing away from our Harry’s development, either.

His 500-year old solitary wandering on a dead planet was not the source of Harry’s extraordinary growth, it was the result of it. He pinpoints the real source in the flash-forward at the beginning: Asta. She is also the reason he refuses to shed his dying human body bc that’s the body that has known her, that she knew (oh boy oh boy, the implications here are just so rich but I digress...). And when the time comes and he has no choice but to transform back into his alien form, that's when he begins his quest to find a way to set things right. Hope pushes him forward, hope that she gave him, hope that is his love in its most enduring form.

So this “many worlds” solution would make Goliath!Harry a parallel or alt version of our Harry, an identical copy if you will, who would not only serve as a portend & guide but would also demonstrate just how much growth our Harry (and his kind in general) is truly capable of. I mean, just because we haven't seen other aliens develop in a way Harry does, it doesn't mean it isn't possible for them. Quite the opposite, I believe.

So yeah, I have no idea what is going on anymore but am cautiously optimistic it’s gonna become one hell of a ride. We’ll see.

#anonymous #resident alien #resident alien spoilers #harry x asta #speculation #long post

[cagedchoices]

RELATIONSHIP META - CALEB & UWADE

In canon, Caleb first met Uwade while he was recovering in the hospital following surgery for a near-fatal gunshot wound to his abdomen. I've estimated the time he spent comatose to be about 5 weeks max, but it's possible it was a bit less than that. In a memory Caleb has during Fidelity, we learn that Uwade was the first person who saw him after he woke up and she checked over his vital signs. She began to flirt with him and from there they eventually fell in love.

Given what context we have, I headcanon that Uwade got pregnant before they were married and then Caleb married her once they found out they were expecting. It's the most logical explanation I can see for why their last conversation together happened the way it did.

We don't know anything about Caleb's father so I kinda just assume he was never in the picture and that it's a source of insecurity for Caleb because there's always going to be a what-if question that can't be answered; What if he's just like that? As well as he gets another dose of that same insecurity because his mom was mentally ill and abandoned and forgot about him, and there's the fear of what if he winds up doing the same thing to Frankie?

UWADE: So you're leaving. CALEB: Only for a little while. UWADE: You promised you'd be a father. CALEB: I am one... Everything I do is for you...and for Frankie. UWADE: You're gonna get yourself killed. CALEB: Hey, I will come back to you. I promise.

There also seemed like there was a touch of maybe-jealousy from Uwade toward Maeve, just in the way that Uwade was watching her from the bedroom window while Maeve was loading her SUV and getting ready to leave. She already knew that Caleb would jump at the chance to team up with Maeve again and go fight.

Uwade doesn't understand Caleb's trauma struggles. Her approach to helping him manage his PTSD is basically just to tell him move on and stop worrying, and that's the most un-constructive advice you could ever give to a trauma survivor. She treats it like he doesn't have anything to be depressed or anxious about solely because he has a family, a house and a job and it should be enough. She also calls him paranoid, and acts like he is consciously choosing to stay traumatized.

In the past, Caleb was often told he needed to move on without ever actually being given the tools or the freedom to actually learn how to move on and genuinely heal, because by design he wasn't supposed to. He was in a therapy program that insisted the goal was getting him to move on, but they never actually did anything other than tell him "you gotta move on."

Caleb's instinctive response to that is to sort of shut down and refuse to talk about it any further. There's no point. No one really understands except for others who have seen war up close and personal. And that was the purpose in isolating him further and further until the system predicted there would come a point where that feeling of hopelessness would reach its absolute limit and he would take his own life because of it.

When Caleb first leaves, Uwade definitely seems to feel resentful toward him specifically, such as when she found Frankie using the radio to try and make contact with him.

UWADE: Frankie, what are you doing out here? I told you we need to go back and pack. FRANKIE: I'm trying to reach Dad. UWADE: Come on, let's go inside. FRANKIE: No. I'm staying. UWADE: Carver, do you mind helping me bring some of this stuff back inside?

She didn't really acknowledge Frankie's explanation or her feelings of concern, she just went to picking stuff up, starting with Frankie's teddy bear. Later on, Frankie's sitting out on the patio and sulking, and Uwade again kind of ignores her concerns.

FRANKIE: I don't wanna go with him. I want daddy. UWADE: I know, but your father can't be here right now. So he sent Carver to help. FRANKIE: He got Bear-Bear dirty. UWADE: Fine. If you won't pack your things, then I will.

After Frankie discovers that the real Carver has been murdered and replaced by a host copy and alerts her mom with proof, this attitude changes drastically, and Uwade steps up for Caleb in a huge way.

She becomes the leader of the resistance and makes it her mission to free as many outliers as she can from Hale's world before they're hunted and killed.

UWADE: You were so brave today. You reminded me of your father. He really would've been proud. FRANKIE: It's almost time. UWADE: Go. Tell him I love him.

She doesn't ignore or invalidate Frankie's feelings this time, she tells her that she is so much like her father and that Caleb would've been so proud of her if he was around. She lets Frankie try to establish radio communications with him, even though I think she figures he had to have been killed to be kept away from them for so long.

For Caleb, when Frankie tells him what happened to Uwade, it's a harsh blow for his cognition and it threatens to destabilize him even faster than he's already breaking down. His hands are shaking so badly he's having trouble threading a needle.

FRANKIE: You can ask, you know. CALEB: Ask about what? FRANKIE. Mom... Cancer. Wouldn't have mattered even if you had made it back. She hung in there for as long as she could... She had a mission. Everyone that wasn't infected, or who woke up and got out, owes that to mom. She carried your torch. CALEB: Your mother was...extraordinary. FRANKIE: So were you.

But then he's able to center himself using the love he has for his family. Uwade may be long gone physically, but her memory lives on through his own recollection and more importantly, through Frankie.

#big data compiles information on everybody — meta. #i will come back to you…i promise — dyn | uwade & caleb. #tw mental illness #tw terminal illness #ask to tag #i'm just in a meta mood this week apparently #relationship meta.

[chatter-by-the-fountain]

"Hm, I don't exactly regret that many choices. Sure there's guilt built up in there, a lot of it... and it doesn't get easy to deal with. But I can't see myself doing anything in a different way. It... wouldn't make sense for me to do it."

"But... I don't suppose you see yourself as free of any mistakes, do you?"

"That's... obviously not. I know I did awful things. I left people behind I shouldn't have, didn't lend a hand, didn't risk all that I could for them. I wish I hadn't done that, but I know the situation was hopeless."

"Was it really?"

"No offense but are you asking about me or yourself?"

"Well, if you think you could have done better, then you should have, that seems logical. But... I know that has no effect on you now, if I go by your words. I wish I could think the same way— perhaps not, actually. If it was truly hopeless then I would not have been able to do anything and I would feel no guilt, because I know there was no choice. But here we are, knowing fully well our mistakes. How can you just let it be? Did it really matter or was it just whatever was supposed to be the right thing? Was it worth it to just not do it?"

"Enough. You're going too far with this. So, listen well. I'm not saying that I don't see anything wrong with what I did —and didn't do— in the past. I'm also not saying making those choices was easy and I'm not saying I don't ever think of scenarios were things turned out better. So stop that. And maybe consider that all of that applies to you as well, right? That you also didn't do the right thing, you know it now, and the only difference right now seems to be that I am not on the verge of collapsing by thinking about it."

"Where are you going with this?"

"I... dream about this a lot. Sometimes you don't even need to be asleep. It repeats when you least expect it, sometimes a few details are different, it always ends the same. Anyways, I know what I feel about the whole ordeal. Those are my thoughts, my feelings. I also know that I wasn't stupid either, I had reasons, however bad they may sound now, that made me take certain paths. And the main thing is: I know that all of it is in the past and no matter how much i wish I could change things, I can't. But I am here, today, talking to you, and tomorrow I will be elsewhere. What I can say for sure, is that now, in better circumstances, I can do better."

"Sure you could say that to feel better. But I... don't know what I must do. I could never compensate people for some of my actions. And... I know there are those who will always be affected by them."

"Can you do something for those people?"

"I don't know... I won't get forgiveness. It's fine but it still burns. I could do other things but I think I've broken some things for good."

"Maybe. But will you find a way to sleep tonight?"

"I have to."

"Yeah I guess. I can't say you will ever be able to do enough to compensate, maybe that part will always stink. But between doing something and just crawling and drowning on your guilt, the latter isn't gonna help. So if you can do better now, then do it."

"This doesn't feel like a resolution."

"Of course it isn't, but at least you're not stuck in the past anymore."

"Do you think others feel the same way? About their mistakes?"

"Hah, do they deal with it like you or I do? i don't know. But do they deal with something in the world we live in? Yeah, and that's their own mess to deal with. But I guess you can share some thoughts with me too. Look at it from the bright side, you didn't do anything to me, personally. You don't have to hide. And we may have a thing or two in common to make it even better, maybe even be allies."

"After all, we live in the same world together."

"Sure... that's a pretty broad way to put it, but it works for now. Let's rest, I think it's a good spot to stop for now."

"I suppose."

#my writing #fran ocs #night whispers #honestly i dont think their conversation ever gets easier #but eventually someone has to eat or sleep and reslize that the world is simply what's right there #and concrete actions will come easier for them #guilt #this is... a scene that's in my mind rn #though i wouldn't know where in context i would put it #anyways i think guilt is a big theme rn #these two have... done some shit #im more sure of the second speaker's actions #the first are a bit more vague #i know some of what that character did but not to who #and what the chances to fix things are #that character's deal trascends that guilt anyways #in the present day the goal is to find motivations to keep going #and dealing with being responsible for others

[astradis]

Hi!! I love your matchups so much, I was really happy to see them open again! I was wondering if I could please get one? My name is Ari, I'm 20 and I'd prefer an 18+ match! I use she/her and I'm a straight female.

Personality description - It takes me a while to feel comfortable around new people, but once I do, I become really talkative and outgoing. I love helping out and I'm the therapist friend, people come to me to vent or for advice and comfort. I'm smart and ambitious; I love being the best at everything I do. I sometimes struggle with the hardwork and conviction needed to get there though, I'm also deathly afraid of failure and disappointing the people I love. I'd like to think of myself as funny and witty? I enjoy making people, especially my mother, laugh. I'm quite the hopeless romantic and I love being in love! I also daydream a lot and I can get lost in my own world for hours. I can be quite dramatic and stubborn and I tend to be very withdrawn and closed off at times. I get frustrated easily and I'm quietly competitive. My love languages are acts of service and words of affirmation.

Physical description - I'm 5'9 and I have long and curly dark brown hair and brown eyes. I have a fair skin tone, I'm slim and I've got full lips and slight dark circles under my eyes. I wear glasses and I have broad shoulders. I dress mostly in relaxed suits, blazers and coats and I love the occasional dress or sweaters layered over a white button down!

Hobbies/likes - I love reading, my favorite genres are poetry, Russian lit, and mysteries! I also love true crime very much. I love learning about new things and knowing a little bit of everything, I'm very interested in psychology, history, mythology and folklore, and fashion! I adore adventures, witty and playful banter, joking around and having indepth discussions on anything and everything! I adore all forms of art and I have quite a few creative hobbies! I listen to a lot of modern/indie rock and I love watching psychological thrillers and romcoms.

Thank you very much!! I'm sorry if this got too long. Have a great day ❤️

hi ari! thank you so much for your patience, here’s your lover!

STEVE HARRINGTON

you and steve would be quite the happy pair. you’re both very cute- like, i feel like before you two even get together or realize your feelings you both unintentionally express love and admiration for one another. you’d be more verbal about it, like complimenting little things about him throughout the day. telling him his hair looks especially good today, or maybe that his cologne scent is new from the last and you really like it. trust me, it flusters him and he might brush it off at first, but he is absolutely infatuated with you and your little words. steve is more of the type to show it than say it, he would be more vocal when you two both know the feeling is mutual, but beforehand expect him to drive you to work when you feel too lazy to. or maybe even make you some soup when you’re sick and deliver it straight to your window. why can’t he just use the door? he’s too used to climbing.

—

“Hey Steve… Yes, I’m doing fine, this is the fifth time you’ve called me and it’s only twelve… No, I don’t need you to- Steve, you have a job, go do that!… Ugh, fine. Just make sure you’re on a break before you come here… Okay. Okay, thanks… No, it’s- okay, sure. Love you too, see you.”

You hung up the phone in front of you as you rested your elbows against the front desk. You recently picked up a new job from your neighbor who owns a shop not too far into town. He offered you the job after the Starcourt fire and you couldn’t say no. As much as you wished you could work alongside Steve and Robin, you knew professionalism was much more important than personal interest.

The funny thing is, Family Video was right across from you. Why Steve decided to call you each time he wanted to hear from you was a hard question to answer, but the most logical one is that it’s the closest he can get without actually leaving the store. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t take breaks as often as possible to go visit you.

You watched him jog over with a bag in hand, logo reading your favorite fast food restaurant. His goofy smile told you everything you needed to hear, and you smiled back, excited to have both of your favorite things with you at once.

#stranger things #stranger things x reader #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington #st steve harrington

[ssstarlight-system]

Hey. You, the one scrolling past this post.

Yes, I'm talking to you, kiddo. Come, sit with me for a moment. Grab your favourite beverage, maybe an item that brings you comfort if you want, I don't mind. Just sit with me for a moment.

.....You're strugglin' real hard, ain't ya, kiddo? I can see it clear as day. If you happen to be recovering or tryin' to better yourself- well, I can see that, too.

...hm. Sit and listen to an old man for a minute here, won't you?

I've been thinking a lot recently, and I've been thinking about how similar mental health and sailing are. I know, sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? I think my logic behind this thought is quite logical, though.

I know I said mental health as a whole, but with this I feel like the road to recovery makes this a little more understandable.

So, you've got you and your ship. You set off, and dependin', you might feel confident or nervous, even if you have everything you might need for this journey. And that's okay. You don't know how to steer a ship? Don't you worry about that, you'll make it there regardless. I know you will.

You've got clear skies and calm waters. That's good, you're doing good. The waves get a little rough sometimes, but after a while they'll calm back down, don't worry.

Now here's the tough part- your journey to recovery? It's possible it'd be riddled with storms. Sometimes you can see the dark clouds and rough waters ahead- but you just can't steer out of it. You know that it'll move your way, and there's no avoiding it. So, you might push through.

The storms, I see those as the moments that could set you back, or give you a hard time. Sometimes you can see it won't last long- other times, you can see the storm clouds for miles and miles in every direction. Sounds scary, doesn't it? But just know, no matter how tough the storms are, you'll make it back to the clear seas again.

Sometimes there will be sudden storms that you aren’t prepared for- after all, the weather can change at the drop of a hat. And you'll make it through. Even if you feel unprepared and hopeless, you will make it. I know you will.

Don't ever blame yourself if you get lost or set back by the storm. You can't control the weather and when the storms hit. It isn't an issue with your sailing or anythin', kid. Sometimes the weather just turns to shit when you least want- or expect- it to.

Just know that no matter how tough or smooth the journey may be for you, you will eventually end up where you want to be. Your final destination on this long- or short- journey.

Now, I really do apologize to you, if none of that made any sense. You are free to come find me and ask questions, always. I, quite sadly, have to get going. You're free to come join me for the company, I don't mind. If not, that's just as fine, little one. Just remember you're always welcome to come back and indulge in my presence whenever you feel like it, alright?

Now, go get 'em, Captain.

#[ 🩸 ] markus #been tossin and turnin in my grave to make this post #gotta get it out #back to sleep we go then

[yuna-writes]

How to love

Well there's one thing true about these personality test is that I realize over time I have no idea how to love. Love itself is just an elusive concept. And I'm trying to figure out what type of person I feel attracted to. It might sound weird, and even I'm weirded out by it because usually people just go out, go on dates, find a partner and get all romancey and intimate. I think most people don't have challenges expressing love and affection to people they like.

I think the result of my personality stems from some past trauma I dealt with, but I have no idea what exactly that trauma was either. My theory is that I probably got into an intimate relationship at one point in my life, and then I was probably betrayed later on. I'm not exactly looking for pity or empathy, but I did grew up in a not so normal childhood. That's thing with being in relationships that don't make you feel safe. You once did trust someone, and loved them dearly, only to get deeply hurt in the end. When you start to be in those relationships for many years, it starts to become "normalized" in your psyche. The person draws you in, gives you the illusion that you feel safe, and then ultimately humiliates you, demoralizes you and make you feel hopeless. It completely destroys your confidence and your identity.

I can see why I grew up not trusting people in general. And this kind of affects my relationships a bit. I only have one friend who seems to understand me, but I have gone to "dates" with other people and realized once they start to become intimate or affectionate towards me, I start to draw back and become cautious of those encounters. I don't like to be touched, but I do feel like the other person will get the idea that I don't like them or I don't trust them. At the same time, I don't really pull out the victim card either to explain why I don't express affection easily. I think my approach isn't completely wrong either too. You should be careful with the people you associate with, but you shouldn't be too distrustful to the point of making other people feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure where the fine line goes when it comes to trusting others.

Honestly, from the sounds of it I think I was emotionally abused for many years by someone who was very controlling and demanding. Which eventually led me to become jaded, closed-off, bitter and angry. I thought about forgiveness and the concept of redemption, but it's hard to forgive or love someone who kept tormenting you for years when they can choose not too. It affects your ability to love and trust others when you are constantly in this cycle of being betrayed by other people. Logically, it's actually very normal for people to start to develop a negative outlook on relationships. Maybe this issue really does involve a "higher being" to make sense of why this injustice occurs to other people, and they never get the resolve and peace. Some things I always find it admirable are people who went through so many emotional abuse, torment, betrayal and humiliation...but they still find the ability to love and trust again. To me, it feels like a delusion of some sort. But those people do somehow, maybe through a religion, their culture or the expectation they had to follow in order love again.

#notes

[whinecrate]

Things I like about him ig

Warm

The thing when he's holding my hand and squeezes it inbetween

Twirls me and if Im convincing enough he'll twirl

Pulls me towards him randomly

Stops me from swinging hands

Kisses and yk..

Makes the interest obvious no mind games

Respects boundaries

Not yk possessive etc

Respectful

Comfortable safe space kinda feeling

Is nice to me which doesn't sound like much but it's about treating me right as a person atleast>>>romantic gestures which btw he would probably do if I were into it

And is fine with me being difficult like this

And if I point out like I'm not fine with this etc doesn't get defensive esp over minor stuff or take it badly can apologise and make an effort

I can tell him almost everything without judgement per se and in confidence and the talks are long and enjoyable and silence is also fine

Not too bad to look at actually and the curls are grabbable and decent body and we do work physically ig and he's also pretty invested in pleasing me so yay?

Voice and way of speaking

Considerate ig?

Sensitive topics etc does know to handle it with class?tact?

Peaceful dramafree life

Let's me bully him and bullies me back but I'm always fine with it cuz mutual understanding and i need to be able to call eachother bitch etc

Communication we have it and it's good and we both put in the effort for it

Not too emotional or egotistical can think things through logically and ig agree with me that us as individuals has priority over the relationship

Loyal fssssss ngl the cheesy romance stuff isn't completely lost on me

Confident enough in his masculinity ig? I mean he'll suffer through nailpolish and he's sensitive enough etc not much for appearing all macho his fav colour is like lilac ffs

Sense of humour matches

Doesn't expect too much from me and wouldn't push for anything idw or am not comfortable with

Hopeless romantic actually wants to do cute boyfriend things but isn't overbearing about it it's kinda adorable

Good with words i might take it for granted sometimes but god that's so attractive to me

Getting the extra chair for me to keep my legs on

Randomly gushes about me being pretty or my eyes or yk typical hopeless romantic stuff

Let's me put flowers in his hair and nail polish etc just deal with me put up with me

Small touches etc to just have some contact makes me feel wanted

I do not like that he tried weed when he knew it was a hard no for me but i like that he was honest about it tho

[sasquatchboobs]

I think because my parents were generally emotionally unsupportive, I end up accepting that same treatment from my partner. I'm not sure he'll ever stop getting annoyed at me when I am in a non-good mood. Like he takes offense that I am angry or sad or stressed. Instead of trying to help or talk he distances himself.

He should know me better by now, it's been 7 years together. He should know that I am immensely stressed by travel (especially plane travel to see family) but instead of trying to assuage my anxiety he just says "stop raising your voice. There is literally no reason to be stressed, everything will be fine" as if I'm not the one that always plans to make sure things are fine.

And he doesn't understand when I tell him that "explaining my anxiety away" is not helpful at all. He just says "you're not being very nice to me" aka my tone wasn't nice and sweet when telling him to measure his bag to make sure he won't have to pay extra at the airport. Because we leave in the morning and he hasn't even taken the bag out of storage yet, let alone started packing. I have work today and just want to make sure everything's ready before we leave. But he's TOO chill. Like, he didn't realize that we would need to get someone to feed the cat and fish while we're gone. Just leaves all the planning and decision making up to me, while I have work and he is off for 2 weeks. Then has the audacity to get MAD at me for being STRESSED? WHY DON'T YOU HELP!

I want a partner who understands that when I am talking loudly about all the things I am worried about, I need support, not criticism, not gaslighting that "there is no logical reason to be stressed" because in his mind there is no logical reason to be stressed, just, don't be? I want someone who I can actually go to when I'm not in a good or healthy place, and know that it won't start a fight if I'm venting about being sad or stressed. Who will actually do material things to reduce my stress, like helping to plan our trip and pack, or clean before we leave, not someone who leaves the planning up to me then gets mad when said planning stresses me out.

I mean I literally attempted a "cry for help" to him when I was feeling really low and hopeless and you know what? He got mad at me. Told me I was "acting crazy" (!!!) And that he wouldn't talk to me until I was rational again. When I needed him most, I was deeply and hurtfully rejected.

And it reminded me of being 9 or 10, with undiagnosed anxiety, scared and just wanting to feel better, and my mom sat me down and said something along the lines of: "I just can't do this anymore. I've taken you to so many doctors, no one knows what's wrong with you. So I need you to stop this, because it's too hard, I don't know what to do with you, but I can't handle this" and then I knew. No one else in this world is going to be able to care for me the way I needed, it was up to me. So in my mom's eyes, I stopped having anxiety, when in reality I just hid it from her and lied to make her feel better. This kinda feels similar. I know I can't reveal all of myself or show all of my feelings to my partner because it's Too Much. He only likes me when I'm happy.

#diary #personal