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underfart-snas · 8 months

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i’m going to preface this by saying this will be hard to read. for those who have had to deal with a lot of familial trauma, csa, and various other things really. you’re being warned now.

it is not anything fun, light, or happy. i will not answer questions from anyone. i will not stop people from their comments or tags but i will not look at opinions or attempt to change them. good or bad, i’m too tired to change anyone’s minds or matters on the subject. while i am regretful and sorry for many things, i know this won’t change much.

i’m not looking for forgiveness. i'm looking for closure.

i will not argue on how i’m a good person, or how any behavior in the past was justifiable or right. it was wrong. i still fuck up to this day trying to be human. at this point, all i want is to speak up about what i had to go through and why things ended the way they did with hopefully a more clear sense of perspective as to why i made what i did. and then i would like to move on.

flowerfell ended in disaster from all sides. a story i, the friends i made along with it and worked deeply with during it all, held very dear for our own reasons. be it to express the hardship of survival, to cope with the progression of loss, or having hope in finding small things to live for and learning to find love in friendships, family or otherwise that we couldn’t have in life. it was a big story for everyone, and i understand not everyone got the message. people have not been kind. i’ve seen equal sides of good and bad come from it.

i won’t argue about the shipping aspects. people are right in believing i liked what i liked, and whether or not they hated that was up to them. i had my personal reasons and i never intended for it to be a malicious thing, but i understand people’s headstrong thoughts on the canons or otherwise. I didn't like to go out of my way to shove it in people's faces, which is why i scrapped later stories that were pressured to be frans related and instead made them into personal characters.

it’s fucked up seeing people get chased and hurt over fictional things. things that aren’t physically harming anyone, at least when they’re contained properly. things you shouldn’t be actively looking for if you don’t like it. things that people may actually be doing to cope with their own trauma. i watch so many people looking for hate, or reasons to be angry. i think that adds to much sadness overall. i can’t say much for those who don’t go about tagging things properly for those who don’t want to see things other than "please work on that."

when i played undertale, i lived vicariously through frisk as i played. they were quite frankly, a blank slate. i was able to self-insert in a way. due to story aspects, i felt the monsters were like... old old. like ancient beings that lived lives unfathomably long beyond the human lifespan. beyond the passage of time.

i fell in love with characters and aspects and ideas it gave. i fell in love with it’s world, the possibility of other worlds like it, and exciting wacky hijinks. i took interest in others making au's and thought about how i could make my own. what my own life lacked or couldn’t give me. the family and friends i found through it.

toby really kicked everyone’s ass with this one, and i hope he does it again and again. and i pray he continues to succeed. because he made something beautiful.

now for what i had to deal with, during the failed attempt of making my story…

i have had to process a lot of neglect from family and home in recent years. though i’m older now, it still hurts. things still linger and sting harder than they should. they say it gets better but it really sticks and comes back in many ways that make life so much harder than it should be. it’s only made harder when people want you to be better, but it takes time to get there. sometimes people can't be with each other because of it, which is something i've had to learn over and over again. it takes so much time and it takes it away from everything you hope can be good and great in your life.

growing up was a nightmare. i’ve had to grow up with abandonment from my mom. neglect from my dad. i've had to deal with them trying to reach back out and my feelings on whether or not it's deserved. or if i'm even ready to handle it yet. many times i'm not.

i’ve had to deal with surgery to fix my body from disgusting and life ending deformation as a toddler which still leaves scars on my body today. my family has told me i’m lucky to even be alive. sometimes i almost wish it took me, because the world is cruel. but at the same time, i want to live so, so badly.

i’ve had to deal with manipulation and rape from someone almost ten years older than me in household when i was just a child. from five to nine. threats of being compliant and not to speak up or else my life was in danger. being physically trapped for hours while my body was a tool. later this fell onto another child of a caretaker for my sister, which is the only reason i got away from it. so i never got the chance to speak up myself and that effects me to this day. i was told years later this same thing happened to my older, severely autistic sister prior. someone who literally cannot verbally communicate or function without help from another. my grandmother telling me she left before because my father didn’t believe her. this all meaning, this is something that could have never happened.

i've had to handle my grandmother’s physical and verbal abuse for the rest of the those years after she came back to take care of my sister. my sister didn't escape abuse either. i would be stuck listening to her convince me as i got older and barely making it out of school that wouldn’t ever survive on my own. that i would never make it. that i would never find love. that i’d be eating fucking “saltines and ketchup” on the streets. i’ve had to deal with eating disorder because of her and various other disgusting shit i don’t want to add that the fear had made me succumb to. i didn’t leave my room for days at a time unless i was forced to. i didn’t sleep properly, to the point of passing out for minutes at a time. anyone who used to come to streams would know, i used to fall asleep while drawing with my brother. in many ways, my grandmother has made me so functionally stagnant, which is so hard to combat now.

cutting out all the general silliness and nonsense i would make just to smile once in a while, my art and flowerfell was an escape for me. it was a way to express my pain and hope that there was some sort of out. that there were friends to be made and love to be had. family to be found. that if you’re strong enough maybe you can be redeemable and make it to the end. frisk was hope. sans was strength. and all of the friends they were supposed to make along the way were support.

but at the same time, i clearly wasn’t able to handle the scale of what it became. i wasn’t ready for the crowd, i wasn’t ready to make a coherent and straight story, and was too giving and lenient. i wasn't ready for the "godlihood" people were pressing on me when i was just a normal person. it made making real friends a hassle. i didn't know who was honest or using me. many people have used me.

i was scared after it fell apart and got toxic. that people can take and twist and hate no matter how hard you try. i didn’t understand a lot of things back then or how to defend myself. i didn't understand how to combat theft, i didn't understand fiction kin, i didn't understand self care or boundaries for others and myself. i didn't understand a lot of things. i try really hard to understand now.

for all intents and purposes, it was getting septic. i was getting septic at that time and for some time after. and because of that i lost not only my story, but my friends and my sanity. i wasn’t able to keep it together for them or myself. i was hurt and hurting others by proxy. and i am so sorry for it. all of it.

i was only saved by finally being taken away from home by someone who actually took a chance on me. someone who made time for me even when i was getting reclusive. someone who loves me through all of that even if i hurt them terribly in the process, and may even still in all the faults i'm working on. despite everything, they're still with me today.

to this day i find flowerfell hard to look at without feeling various stages of grief. i have many degrees of anger and sadness, at times hopeless acceptance. not necessarily towards anyone anymore, but that i was unable to finish it. or felt i was unable to. that i'm unable to surpass it. that i was so fearful of loss and parts of myself being taken away when i already felt i had so little. how it blinded me to what good i had at so many times. how it’s destroyed my ability to create and fall in love with characters i like or make, and their worlds. no matter how hard i try now. that it’s taken my ability to trust, communicate, and form steady relationships with people. how it effects even those who have stayed and try so hard. that it’s taken my ability to share and feel safe doing so. even with people i'm close with today.

even situations on how helpful it’s been for people over the years, and deeper connections to self or others they’ve found in the progression of time because of it. i’m not unhappy for those who have, i’m grateful that people have found their hearts in it. it was made with unfathomable love and there’s incredible pain on having given up continuing what could have been more. what else people could have connected with or felt. there was so much i didn’t get to share, and got too angry and scared to give.

i grew to believe people didn’t deserve it anymore because of what i and my friends at the time were going through. i no longer wanted to feel hurt. i no longer wanted my friends to be hurt. and i violently took it away into myself, which has hurt me even more over the years.

i want to believe people would have liked the ending, and anything that would come after that. it was going to have a good ending.

later i would find the fear of parts being taken would be connected to discovering plurality in myself, and recently finding out in therapy i’m probably not too separated from my sister in being on the spectrum, adding to all of that and more. i’d have to process that feelings became separated and another struggle to deal with. that i was dissociating from everything so hard these feelings are expressed as their own apart from me, but still with me. that this was my way of not being alone with what i had. it is not a kind thing. while they're like family to me, it is also a cage.

it would take me years to actually discover what this was properly, having to go through a whole ordeal of manipulation and problems from that alone. i would have to deal with them also being stolen and taken advantage of due to complacency and misunderstanding. which has made every bit of fear with what came before twice as difficult. however, i've also had good people along the way, and i hope they stay with me for a very long time.

because of this i’ve learned a lot about systems and kinships and reasons why these exist. how these things can make people feel at home. i have changed a lot of views on it and how these things help people, even if they’re strange at times… i’m not mad about it anymore. if it helps people it helps people. other people are trying to survive too. i just ask people be respectful about it.

i don’t hate fanart or others trying to make stories anymore. as someone who struggles now with even a fraction of creating any amount of work i used to, i’m more glad than not that it’s encouraging people to improve and move forward. but i won’t ever accept discredit because at the root it is mine still. i made this for myself before i made it for others. it will always be a part of me, even if painful now.

i’m just tired. i’m tired and i hope over time i’ll be able to rest.

sigh.

to kaze, your document is faithful and i won’t argue that any of it is wrong or malicious. there was a lot missing from that video that could and should have been added. it wasn't just about shipping, but a lot more. i hope people will leave you and others alone about flowerfell and ship nonsense at the end of the day. especially when your stories were wonderful and aren’t hurting anyone. while we’re not on good terms, i do wish them a very "fuck off and move on."

however, i will not accept the statement that you were helpful to my mental health, or to others involved to begin with. trying to be, maybe, but it faltered.

apart from encouraging anger towards the fanbase either on my or by your own hands, flipping the switch between telling me to keep going and giving up. you fully took advantage of the complacency i had to go through at home to survive and had to unlearn for many years prior. you weaponized your problems at home onto us. this compiled everything, probably for both of us. this would only continue on to my system in many ways.

you actively encouraged suicidal behavior within the group, provoking my brother into a pact at his lowest. you took advantage of me and my brother mentally and sexually. knowing full well of our issues and my own csa, you still crossed lines. doing or sharing things without warning or prior consent and conversation, at times even within public groups. fighting back or saying something about these things were difficult because everyone was sensitive at the time. even if things were jokes at times, it didn't always come across that way.

i watched blind fight so hard for you in many ways even when they were struggling so badly with their own physical health, even staying in the end. i don't know if they're doing well or are still there now which is another string of worries.

what hurt the most is that for years you blamed me for an attempt because i “didn’t love you enough to talk to you or be honest” and held it over my head instead of explaining until the very last second before i left that it was because of home. you continued to comment in ways up until that point, then deleting things as if i couldn’t see logs. every single day i thought you were going to just be gone in an instant without warning. that i and others would lose one of our best friends. i grew so afraid of talking to you because of this. i was scared to hurt people more in anger of that. it is still something that terrifies me to this day.

flowerfell wasn’t the break of our friendship, it was the inability to handle the weight of taking care of someone who was unwilling to work on themself on top of all of that, while being unable to take care of myself at the same time. not being enough. that nothing of what little i could give would ever fix what was happening, and that i was being used as an escape method. much like my brother was. we weren’t good for each other anymore. and while i wanted to keep holding on, many people told me i had to let go and they were right. i'm sorry that it wasn't completely by my own voice that i let go.

i don’t even hate you anymore, if i even ever really did to begin with. the most i get is mad and i may say the word "hate" in anger, and that is entirely my own fault for checking in once in a while to see if you’re still breathing or getting better. because i cared a long fucking time and i think parts of me still do. i can’t say there weren’t fond memories or good times and i still have gifts i won’t throw away. and i won’t discredit that i do see you trying really hard for yourself now, which is a hopeful feeling and all i and others ever wanted. even if we may never speak directly again, because i don’t think that would be good for either of us, i hope it keeps going well.

but i don’t think you have the right to say i’m a bad person as if you weren’t just as bad yourself. you effected me and others just as badly.

we don't have to forgive each other. but i do hope, after a long time, we can forgive ourselves.

just a last little edit:

before you start congratulating someone who added to the entire severity of literally everything, understand this:

we were not driven by her or her alone. this is not her fucking win. this is the result of friends and good people saying we should speak up and needed to be heard for years. this is because we have support we actually feel safe with and finally decided we're fucking tired. we didn’t speak simply because she put out some silly little document. she only added to the fucking misery that everyone else has brought on about this!

this is for ourselves!! thanks! and goodbye! - =D

#flowerfell #flowerfell au #frans #tw csa

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hayleythesugarbowl · 9 months

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masterlist ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

looking for a specific fandom? i present, my specific masterlists…

╰┈➤ {smosh • friends • thomas barrow • ray manchester }

➳ requests are closed

➳ some facts about me! my name is hayley and im just a silly little fangirl who loves reading, writing, drinking tea, feeling nostalgic, and obsessing over + living vicariously through fictional characters 🎀

➳ my goal on this blog is to write for everyone i can especially less popular characters because i know the feeling of looking up a fic and finding it doesn’t exist and i feel like i owe it to my twelve y/o (and current!!) obsessive self to fill the void

➳ find the list of fandoms i write for at the bottom of this post. i don’t write smut. all of my fics are x fem!reader unless specified otherwise

➳ feel free to ask anything and i hope you have a lovely day/night ✨🍓🩰

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~°~❦~°~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

fluff: ♡ angst: ✧ requested: ☽

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ oneshots ⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

ray manchester…

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Stuck || Ray Manchester/Captain Man x reader • ☽

word count: 3.5k warnings: none summary: you, an aspiring-fashion-designer, get trapped in an elevator with captain man on your way to a job interview

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Secret Identity || Ray Manchester/Captain Man x reader • ☽ ♡

word count: 3.8k warnings: i think i cursed once summary: you and ray have been dating in secret, due to your shyness and secret identity, but when there’s a change in your relationship, it may be time to let everyone know

ˋ°•*⁀➷ My Valentine || Ray Manchester/Captain Man x reader • ☽ ♡

word count: 3.8k warnings: none summary: when you start working at junk n’ stuff, ray is immediately attracted to you and wants to do something special for you on valentine’s day

monica geller…

ˋ°•*⁀➷ The One With Phoebe’s Sister || Monica Geller x Phoebe Buffay’s younger sister!reader • ☽

word count: 3.1k warnings: none summary: phoebe introduces the friends to you, her younger sister, you are instantly attracted to monica but don’t know that monica is equally smitten with you

joey tribbiani…

ˋ°•*⁀➷ The One With the Baby Girl || Joey Tribbiani x reader • ☽ ♡

word count: 1k warnings: childbirth summary: joey helps you through the birth of your daughter

ˋ°•*⁀➷ The One With The Pie || Joey Tribbiani x reader • ✧☽

word count: 6.6k warnings: some references summary: after your crush on joey ends before it can begin, you start to move on. but maybe, just maybe, the story of you and joey isn’t over just yet

ˋ°•*⁀➷ The One With the Ex || Joey Tribbiani x reader • ✧☽

word count: 3.2k warnings: presumed cheating, drinking, suggestive material summary: after joey cheats on you and breaks your heart in high school, you run into him again years later and find out the past might not be exactly what you thought it was

remus lupin…

ˋ°•*⁀➷ In This Together || Remus Lupin x reader • ♡✧

word count: 2.1k warnings: none summary: when remus resigns from the position of dada teacher and leaves hogwarts, he decides it’s finally time to tell you the truth about himself and his ‘furry little problem’

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Stolen Glances || Remus Lupin x student!reader • ✧☽

word count: 3.1k warnings: age gap but it’s legal summary: remus finds himself drawn to you against his better judgement even though you are one of his students

ian hecox…

ˋ°•*⁀➷ First Fake Date || Ian Hecox x reader • ♡☽

word count: 2.5k warnings: none summary: Ian finds out his ex-girlfriend is going to be at an upcoming event and when you volunteer to go as his fake-date things don’t go quite as either of you planned

angela giarratana…

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Misread Signs || Angela Giarratana x reader • ☽

word count: 2.2k warnings: none summary: when you start to become really close with courtney, angela takes this as a sign that you aren’t interested in her, until unusual circumstances cause you both to realize each other’s feelings

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Love Hurts || Angela Giarratana x reader • ✧☽

word count: 3.9k warnings: angst summary: you have been in love with angela for months and upon finding out that she is dating someone else, heartbroken you start to distance yourself from her and everything else in your life

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Jealousy, jealousy || Angela Giarratana x reader • ☽

word count: 1.3k warnings: hickeys summary: angela finds herself jealous when another member of the cast flirts with you and she decides to let you know that you’re hers

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Sleepyhead || Angela Giarratana x reader • ♡☽

word count: 0.9k warnings: none summary: a sleepy angela wakes up with you and refuses to let you get out of bed

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Second Chances || Angela Giarratana x reader • ✧☽

word count: 3.3k warnings: none summary: when the smosh cast goes on a company retreat and you and angela are forced to share a hotel room you have the opportunity to rekindle an old romance

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Sweeter than Pie || Angela Giarratana x reader • ♡☽

word count: 1.1k warnings: none summary: when you’re tired from work , angela cooks with you

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Princess || Angela Giarratana x reader • ☽

word count: 2k warnings: sick fic summary: when you start to feel sick during a game night with angela, you let her take care of you for once and she gets to see a different side of you

courtney miller…

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Kiss the Nurse || Courtney Miller x sick!reader • ♡☽

word count: 0.6k warnings: sick fic summary: courtney takes care of you when you’re sick and is rewarded with a kiss from their patient

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Stay With Me || sick!Courtney Miller x reader • ♡☽

word count: 0.7k warnings: sick fic, mild swearing summary: when courtney calls and cancels your date night due to a stomach bug, you don’t hesitate to drop everything and take care of them

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Only You || Courtney Miller x reader • ✧☽

word count: 1.2k warnings: none summary: when you begin to get jealous of courtney and shayne’s relationship, courtney assures you that you’re the one they love

shayne topp…

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Worth the Wait || Shayne Topp x reader • ♡☽

word count: 1.1k warnings: mild swearing summary: shayne is determined to find out what your Halloween costume is this year but you won’t tell him, and when the holiday is finally here he finds it very much worth the wait

julio rodríguez…

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Luckiest Man || Julio Rodríguez x reader • ♡☽

word count: 1.2k warnings: none summary: julio has just won the world series and been named mvp and yet his biggest prize is you, his new fiancée

thomas barrow…

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Even || Thomas Barrow & reader • ☽

word count: 3.4k warnings: cursing, homophobia because it’s jimmy summary: when you, a ladies maid who thomas has never got along with in the past, catch thomas making a move on jimmy you’re forced to decide wether or not to help him out

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ series ⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

thomas barrow…

ˋ°•*⁀➷ It’s Nice to Have a Friend || Thomas Barrow & friend!reader • ✧♡☽ (finished)

╰┈➤ { Part 1 • Part 2 • Part 3 }

word count: 4.8k warnings: some mild swearing summary: when you start working at downton abbey as a new maid, thomas takes a liking to you and an unexpected relationship forms between you

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ other writing ⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

ˋ°•*⁀➷ You Can’t Change the Past || an Elena of Avalor inspired short story

word count: 6k warnings: i was a child when i wrote this 🤭 summary: jacques, chancellor of emelda, plagued by regrets, is used to helping his cousin run her kingdom. but when he meets some ghosts of his past and a villain returns is he ready to face it all?

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ headcanons ⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

dating…

ˋ°•*⁀➷ James McAvoy ♡☽

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Carswell Thorne ♡☽

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Austin Butler ♡

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Smosh-

Shayne Topp ♡☽

Damien Haas ♡

Ian Hecox (part 1) ♡☽

Ian Hecox (part 2) ♡☽

Spencer Agnew ♡☽

Anthony Padilla ♡☽

Angela Giarratana ♡☽

Amanda Lehan-Canto ♡☽

Smosh Women ♡☽

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Joey Tribbiani ♡

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Chandler Bing ♡☽

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Jacques Snicket ♡

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Jack Edwards-

part 1 ♡

part 2 ♡☽

part 3 ♡☽

part 4 ♡☽

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Megara ♡

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Elvis Presley ♡☽

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Simon Cowell ♡

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Chancellor Esteban Flores ♡

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Jarred Kelenic ♡

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Seattle Mariners (Jarred Kelenic part 2, George Kirby, Julio Rodríguez) ♡☽

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Ray Manchester/Captain Man-

ray manchester x reader ♡

ray manchester x smart!reader ♡☽

friends + family…

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Thomas Barrow-

thomas barrow & friend!reader ♡✧

thomas barrow & teen!sister!reader ✧♡☽

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Will Truman ♡

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~°~❦~°~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ fandoms i write for ⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Downton Abbey

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Harry Potter

ˋ°•*⁀➷ A Series of Unfortunate Events

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Smosh

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Hercules (1997)

ˋ°•*⁀➷ The Lunar Chronicles

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Elena of Avalor

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Friends

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Will and Grace

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Elvis Presley + Elvis (2022)

ˋ°•*⁀➷ Seattle Mariners

ˋ°•*⁀➷ and probably others i’m forgetting so shoot me an ask <3🍒💌

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last updated: 2/14/24

╰┈➤ romanticize, fantasize, nostalgize ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚🩰

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theconstitutionisgayculture · 5 months

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Superheroes question

People say that Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark should use their money better.

But why no one asked the spacefaring aliens or the other advanced civilizations such as Wakanda and Atlantis to help humanity?

I mean for Batman he need to stop joker from blowing up a kid hospital every Tuesday and Tony basically the avengers and shield sugar daddy 80% of the time.

Thoughts?

You're right. People are very quick to blame certain characters for not being "better", but make constant excuses for others. And people who make this kind of commentary don't understand the characters they're talking about, real world economics, or basic storytelling.

It's been talked to death before, but Bruce Wayne absolutely uses his money to fund multiple charities and provides jobs for disenfranchised Gothamites, including criminals he's stopped as Batman. Tony Stark I don't follow as much, but even just in the MCU he basically bankroles the Avengers and created a clean, renewable energy source with the intention of sharing it with the world. But nobody wants to hear that, because it's "not enough". Because to them, all rich people should have all their wealth confiscated and then put directly into their bank accounts used to fix everyone's problems.

And this is where the economic illiteracy comes from, because that's just impossible. Even if the governments of the world would use that money purely for good instead of just embezzling it or using it for their own gain, all that would accomplish is temporarily alleviating a few societal ills. One that money is gone, there's no more money to confiscate from the super rich, because most of the money that rich people have is tied up in their businesses and investments. Once that money goes, so do those businesses (and the jobs they provide) and whatever industries or initiatives were being propped up by those investments. It's a childish power fantasy that if the right people were punished then all the problems of the world would just disappear. Which is ironic, considering point number three.

These people have zero idea how fictional stories work. Especially serial fiction. Stories need drama. Stories need conflict. Stories need characters who react to events in character to drive the plot along. If Bruce Wayne used his money to end all crime and poverty in Gotham, then there would be no more Batman stories to tell. Batman can't exist without Gotham being what it is. Because Batman isn't a 500k slowburn coffee shop slice of life story. It's a superhero story. Specifically, it's a superhero story about a traumatized boy who vowed to clean up the massively corrupt, crime ridden city that killed his parents. He knows his mission is futile. He knows he'll never succeed. But he still tries. He struggles against impossible odds that he will never beat, and we root for him and we keep reading about his struggles because it inspires us to face our own impossible problems. Or at least gives us an escapist fantasy where we can live vicariously through someone who can take on the impossible and triumph. Because even though his overall mission is impossible, he still racks up wins along the way. He saves lives that wouldn't otherwise be saved. He stops evil criminals and corrupt politicians and bad cops. He forms a family from people just as broken as he is. He struggles to live up to his own moral code and to balance his life's work with his interpersonal relationships. That's what makes Bruce Wayne interesting to read about. Having him write a check and cure all the worlds problems isn't just boring or unrealistic, it's lazy. No one can relate to that because there's no allegory to anything we experience in our own lives. It's an unearned victory. And in storytelling, unearned victories are flat and unsatisfying.

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ambrossart · 5 months

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Hi, I know I've said it a lot of times, but I really love your writing. It seems like watching a movie because while reading I can actually picture it in my head.

I wanted to ask you how you plan your characters or stories. I mean, do you immediately get an idea and start working on it or you have to think and rethink about it until you find the right inspiration?

like you mentioned in a previous ask about how you created Vic, and you said you were flexible because he wasn't really described in the novel, but still he had to fit in some image. But what about implementing new characters to an existing universe? I'm thinking about dwm reader, Scottie, Evelyn, Hannah-Beth etc, they all feel like they belong there and I'm wondering how you decided to create them the way they are.

Also, if I think about DWM everything is falling into the right place and when I read a knew part of the story I'm like "oh this was hinted chapters ago" and I think it really is amazing or also the little references here and there, I think it shows how much effort you put in that story. And..I'm curious to know...are the reader and Jason actually friends? He had some kind gestures towards her, but were they out of kindness or because she is his girlfriend's bff?

Regarding the future fics... I'm kinda loving all of your ideas, I'm looking forward to read the one where he gets jealous, or when she gets high because I strongly believe it's going to be hilarious and super cute, and you know everything involving Scottie or Gareth and the other guys.

I always write too much, so I get it if you want to skip this one 😂

Hi! First of all, I would never skip one of your asks (or anyone else's for that matter). If someone takes the time to write me a question, they deserve a well-thought-out response. Always.

Anyway, regarding how I approach my stories, I usually get an idea (or a random scene pops into my head) and I build off that one idea. With DWM, for instance, it was the image of Eddie hanging out in the bathroom with a girl at prom, and I just built the rest of the story around that. "Who is this girl?" "Why is she here?" "Why is Eddie here?" etc. I always have a general outline before I start writing, but it's not rigid because I always come up with new ideas and directions for the story as I write. For example, I was always planning on having the reader have a little crush on Eddie, but it wasn't supposed to be as deep as it ended up being (certainly not one she was harboring for 6 years 😂). That changed while I was writing Pt. 3 and then by Pt. 4, I had their relationship and history completely figured out, and that ultimately changed the entire direction of the story.

I have a similar approach to characters. With DWM, I knew instantly that I wanted the reader to be Chrissy's best friend who's kinda stuck living in her shadow. I think she plays up her sarcastic, snarky persona in an attempt to stand out from Chrissy. She wants to be the sour to Chrissy's sweet; otherwise, she would be even more invisible than she already is. I also gave her a lot of my own qualities and flaws, and most of her personal anecdotes are taken directly from my life. Yeah, DWM is completely self-indulgent. I basically created a fictionalized version of myself and had her date Eddie, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

With Paper Men, most of those characters were born out of necessity. I needed a main character to guide us through the story, and Richie already had a sister (who doesn't appear) in the movie, so that was an easy starting point. I just created my vision of his sister, taking a lot of his qualities and twisting them around to suit her. Since I decided to make Evelyn a very friendly and outgoing person, I needed to give her friends, so I made Hannah, the shy Christian girl who's obsessed with trashy romance novels and lives vicariously through Evelyn (I love her so much), and Paul, the professional slacker who's always sabotaging her grand plans with his laziness. Because most of the story takes place at school and Evelyn is so involved in school, I needed the school to feel real, so I created a bunch of students to populate it. Gradually, a lot of them developed their own unique identities, and I let them go crazy.

Another thing I like to do is create a lot of shared history between the characters. I think that's an easy way to make all the characters feel like they exist in the same world. That's why both DWM and Paper Men make so many references to the past.

Speaking of references, I'm glad you appreciate all my foreshadowing and callbacks to earlier stories/scenes in DWM because that's one of my favorite things to do when I write. Whenever I'm working on a new story, I always try to think about how it relates to what's already happened and how it will affect future works. For instance, the most recent fic "Out of the Loop" has set the foundation for a lot of future fics. The reader is definitely going to find out about Claire Dunnock, the girl who Eddie absolutely slept with 😬. Claire said she had a class with Eddie last year, well... guess who else was in that class? The reader and she saw them flirting. I don't have it on the list, but it'll be a story. The reader has already expressed discomfort about Eddie's previous sexual experiences, and this will only make that worse.

Finally moving on!

To speak about Jason and the reader's relationship. They are truly friends and not just because of Chrissy (although that is a huge factor). They've known each other since elementary school. They weren't "hang out outside of school" friends, but they were friends. I've mentioned this before, but the reader used to have a crush on Jason back in elementary school, but once she found out he liked Chrissy, she had to let that crush go. She can't compete with Chrissy. Nobody would ever choose her over Chrissy. So she had no choice but to step back and surrender. She doesn't have romantic feelings for him anymore, but she still admires his good qualities (and Jason does have really great qualities). That being said, Jason does truly care about her as a person, which is why he bought her a corsage and danced with her at prom. It wasn't just because he felt sorry for her or because he felt obligated to do it. He genuinely cares about her, and he thinks she can do a lot better than Eddie.

Lastly, regarding future fics, the one where the reader finally gets to high school is going to be funny (because Scottie's in it and he knows that Eddie has been pining for the reader for the last two years) but it's also going to be really sad. They're both so excited to see each other and are secretly hoping to jump back into their friendship again, but as we know from the main story, that doesn't happen. They don't talk to each other. Nobody apologizes. They just fall into their expected roles and go back to being strangers. It's almost as if that summer never even happened. It's really sad and Eddie takes it very hard.

Holy crap, I wrote too much. Gold star to anyone who finished this! ⭐️

#answered asks #thanks for the ask!#paper men #dwm #dancing with myself #ambrossart

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the-sappho-of-lesbos · 2 years

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1//About gay women wanting to be gay men: It's jealousy over gay men not facing the same degree of sexualization by the opposite sex. Gay women are either portrayed as feminine women who sleep with each other for male benefit (wether explicit or implicit), androgynous sexless beings with no sex drive at all, or agressive masculine women. Gay men have tons of stereotypes attatched to them, but in terms of deep stories where they're people, and struggle in a real and interesting way with sexuality

Hello! Thank you so much for giving your opinion and perspective on this whole thing. I’m sorry it took me a while to reply, I kept thinking oh how to because I wanted to give you a good response since you took so much time and energy to write this all out. But I hit a point where I thought I don’t think I’ll be able to. This is just such a big thing and I’m sure there are so many layers as to why lesbians feel the way they do and what representation means to different people. I guess my main thought is just I don’t know.

I fully respect and acknowledge your opinion on this matter. And you certainly aren’t alone in those feelings. I see a lot of lesbians saying very similar things. I guess my main hang up on the whole thing is I just feel like I have no authority on how gay men perceive the media they are given. Or if they have better rep or not. Because I’m not a gay man. I have no idea what it’s like to be a gay man and I don’t really want to go around telling gay men their experiences in representation are better then mine when I’ve never lived their experiences, you know? I feel like I can talk about my experiences and my representation but in general I just don’t like speaking for people or groups of people I don’t have a lived experience of. Personally I feel like it’s just a disservice to everyone.

But I fully acknowledge why so many lesbians feel this way and I don’t think it’s wrong or you are a bad person or anything so please don’t take it that way 💕💕

I guess what I’ve noticed for myself at least is I’m a lot more forgiving with gay male media then I am lesbian media. Which is a me problem for sure. I just feel extra picky when it comes to lesbian media. Because with gay male media there is a level of detachment I can have with it - in the sense that it can be purely fictional. What I mean by that is I don’t feel AS much as a need to live emotionally vicariously through it as I do with lesbian media. I can take the little bits I relate to with gay male media and put aside the others and not be too bothered either way. The same can’t be said for me with lesbian fiction. I have to really connect or be attracted to or relate to the characters involved otherwise I disengage.

And I think there are two sides to that. One : I don’t relate to a lot of “modern” lesbian tropes or ideas. And two: the ones I do relate to are just not really shown in popular lesbian media.

I know he’s bisexual and not a lesbian (obviously lol) but because of all the storm that’s happening around Heartstopper recently I just want to use Nick Nelson’s character as an example of what I mean. His attitude, his clothes, his interest etc etc, seem in my opinion, also very common with lesbians in a similar age bracket (16-25). But lesbians aren’t depicted that way in media. They are like super feminine and stick it to the man, or more masculine but done in a way where it’s like have you ever spoke to a masculine woman before because it doesn’t seem like it. Where I believe lots of lesbians fall into that neutral/soft masculine/ tomboy way of looking. Like if you had Nick and Charlie and literally made absolutely nothing different about them other then made them women (ie keep the interests, keep the personality, keep the fashion, keep the hair style) I feel like you would have a SUPER accurate depiction of a lesbian and bisexual woman couple. Like genuinely that seems so much more realistic and relatable to me. But that’s not the way lesbians are depicted very often.

I’ve seen people saying if you like heartstopper watch Crush on Hulu , because it’s the sapphic version of it, and I haven’t seen it so much point could be way off, but from what I have seen on the trailer that’s just way off. Like I’m absolutely genuinely happy for the people who are excited to watch that show and feel seen in it, but I saw it and I was just upset lol. It didn’t feel like me. It didn’t feel like a good lesbian representation.

I think for me that’s part of the reason I enjoy less well known or indie or not-coming-out-in-recent-years lesbian novels. There is just something different about them that makes me feel more comfortable and seen. I’m still picky and I’m still a lot more lenient with gay male fiction. But it feels more like coming home to me. Because I just can’t with so many of the things coming out about lesbians. I don’t relate to it. I don’t see myself in it. I don’t see other lesbians in it.

But then I have the weird mix of seeing myself more in gay male fiction but then obviously feeling very disconnected and stuff with IRL gay male communities and groups. Because like duh I’m not a gay man lol.

This is probably going to sound weird and I don’t know how to phrase it properly but I’ll use my example with my ex.

Through most of high school if I was reading something gay it was about gay men. Very few of the gay things I consumed were about lesbians. I could just never properly connect with them. I felt good and seen and fuzzy and warm and happy reading gay male stuff. BUT when I got with my ex girlfriend for the first time, it felt the same as that!! I’m not conflating butch with male here but I mean is she was a person in the same way male characters are treated as people, so I saw that with her. And you know there is a probably a whole explanation of sexism and homophobia that add to those feelings. And I can’t even really explain it.

Honestly I think I’m going to have to stop here because I’m not even making sense to myself anymore and I feel like I’m jumping all over the place lol.

But thank you again!! I appreciate your perspective and definitely agree with parts of it! It’s a really interesting discussion I just wish I was smarter so I could give you a better response lol.

But I hope you have a wonderful day!

#asks #anon #answered #I’m more then happy for people to discuss this or send in messages about it #but please be kind lol I’m sorry if I said anything wrong my head is still really fuzzy #and I’m still a bit out of it so I don’t know if im phrasing things correctly or not

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blueink3 · 2 years

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I have forever given up on relationships but does it stop me from living vicariously through others, fictional or otherwise? Heck no.

Giddy for you. The high from a successful first date is sublime.

Oh I also had given up on relationships. Which is why I did not know it was a date. Actually, I don't think either of us knew it was a date until about halfway through, but here we are.

#i am still VERY gunshy but we shall see

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jainanibjiya · 13 days

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Novels: A Gateway to Escape Reality

In the hustle and bustle of modern life, finding a moment of tranquility can be a challenge. Many turn to various forms of entertainment to find this solace, but none quite compare to the unique escape provided by reading novels. Through the power of narrative and prose, novels offer a profound escape from reality, transporting readers to other realms, times, and experiences. This blog post delves into how novels serve as a portal to this cherished escapism, exploring both the psychological benefits and the boundless adventures they afford.

The Psychological Escape

Emotional Release and Catharsis

Reading novels allows individuals to experience a wide range of emotions, from joy and love to sadness and anger, all within the safe confines of the written word. This emotional journey provides a form of catharsis, where readers can process complex feelings indirectly through characters and plots, often leading to emotional relief or a new understanding of personal issues. Reading novels uniquely engages the brain, fostering improved focus and concentration through sustained narrative engagement. This cognitive involvement allows readers to detach from the stresses of their immediate environment, granting a mental break that can reduce overall stress levels. Neurological studies suggest that reading can increase brain connectivity, particularly in the somatosensory cortex, which helps the brain visualize movements and physical sensations described in a story, enhancing a deeply immersive experience.

Mental Health Benefits

Engaging with a good book can significantly impact mental health. The narrative form of novels can reduce stress, increase empathy, and even improve theory of mind—the ability to attribute mental states, like beliefs and desires, to oneself and others. Furthermore, the immersive nature of reading can serve as a therapeutic retreat, offering a break from anxiety and the pressures of daily life.

Escaping to Different Worlds

Historical Novels: Time Travel Made Easy

Historical novels offer a gateway to the past, allowing readers to live vicariously through characters in times they can otherwise only read about in history books. From the turbulent courts of medieval kings to the roaring streets of Jazz Age America, these stories provide not just entertainment but a deeper understanding of human history and the perennial nature of human struggles and triumphs.

Science Fiction and Fantasy: Exploring New Realms

Where historical novels offer a lens to the past, science fiction and fantasy open the door to possible futures and imaginary worlds. These genres challenge the imagination and offer a profound form of escapism by constructing entire universes with their own rules, societies, and challenges. Readers find solace in the escapades of characters in settings as diverse as distant galaxies and fantastical realms.

Romance Novels: Emotional and Exotic Escapes

Romance novels provide emotional escapism through stories of love, relationships, and personal growth. Whether set in idyllic rural towns or exotic cities, these narratives offer a comforting escape from the mundane aspects of everyday life. The emotional journeys of characters in romance novels can also offer readers new perspectives on relationships and personal values.

Societal Escape

Challenging Social Norms

Novels often provide a reflective mirror to society, presenting social critiques that help readers question and understand the status quo. Whether through dystopian narratives or subtle social commentaries embedded in realistic settings, novels can influence personal and societal views, prompting introspection and sometimes inspiring change.

Representation and Inclusion

For many, novels are a source of validation and representation. Reading about characters who share similar backgrounds or experiences can be incredibly affirming, particularly for individuals from marginalized communities. This representation not only serves as an escape but also strengthens readers' connections to the wider world, affirming their place in society.

The Adventure and the Quest

The Journey of the Protagonist

In every novel, readers embark on a quest with the protagonist. This journey, filled with challenges, revelations, and growth, mirrors the reader’s personal struggles and aspirations. As characters navigate their worlds, face adversities, and achieve their goals, readers find inspiration and courage to tackle their real-life issues.

Learning Through Characters

Characters in novels often function as both mirrors and windows. They reflect readers' own lives and experiences, and simultaneously provide views into the lives of others. Through these fictional relationships, readers gain insights, learn new coping strategies, and are often inspired to undertake new real-world adventures.

Conclusion

It's clear that novels offer more than just a simple diversion from daily life; they provide a profound and multifaceted escape that nourishes the mind and soul. They allow us to explore the unexplored, experience the unexperienced, and feel the unfeeling—all from the comfort of our favorite reading nooks. As we turn each page, we are not just reading; we are travelling, learning, and growing. In this ever-more complex world, the value of this escape cannot be overstated, making novels an essential, enduring part of our cultural landscape and personal lives.

Also click here to read my previous blog.

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sp4klesh1t · 30 days

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hey everypony! the name's nikko, i'm a 20 year old black autistic artist, evil trans masc, mean lesbian, sparkledog therian, himefujo weeb piece of shit, tumblr kinnie, and card carrying PLURfur since 2016!

this is my blog where i get silly and freaky with it, wipe your paws and make yourself at home! brohoof! /)

i love mlp, lps, neopets, pokemon, and lots of other media with silly beasts. my highest kins are vash the stampede and ash ketchum, i'm not too strict on doubles though, don't worry!

i post a lot about PLUR and rave culture to live vicariously through other people, a lot of raves and concerts aren't accessible for me or put me at risk of getting sick so i engage with the online community instead.

this is not an explicitly nsfw blog but there will be suggestive rbs and i am very openly pro-kink, interact at your own risk! minors do not interact, i'm a grown ass dogboy.

DNI:

-zoophiles/pedophiles/MAPs

-proship/profic

-propara (including anti contact)

-feral porn/animal genitalia artists and enjoyers

-if you otherwise create or jack off to sexual content involving children and animals whether real or fictional

this space is not for you and it is not my responsibility to cater it towards you.

#pinned #sparklefur

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a-terrible-mind · 8 months

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In this essay I will...

On the topic of conflict driven narratives again... I feel like the same problem I have with them in a fictional context is why I don't like reality shows for the most part. While watching RHONY which is my favorite series in the franchise I wonder what the show would be like if they didn't manufacture drama between the new cast members. The issues that came up between the old cast felt more authentic because they knew each other for longer, but in the new one you can just tell they force them to play things up. I honestly would watch the show without all the drama. I think it would be nice to see healthy mature female friendships on screen while we are collectively living through this epidemic of loneliness. Since meaningful friendships feel somewhat out of reach for many in my generation, to live vicariously through them seems like a good idea right now. Likewise, to be facing a volatile economy and personally staring down a future where the only way I might be able to afford a house is if I live with my twin sister and we both take up lucrative professions its nice to witness their wealth imagine how much their housing cost and imagine that for myself someday. HONESTLY CONFLICT SURROUNDS US EVERYDAY women are being killed for refusing the advances of men, black people are constantly dealing with racist attacks physically or otherwise so why would we want to see so much of it on television.

#rhony #real housewives #bravotv #my thoughts #on writing #s14

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monsieur-prawn · 10 months

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I never want to feel anything ever again in my life. I want only to be enveloped in the sweet paradise of omegaverse johnlock fan fiction. It doesn’t matter what universe they are in bc I know they will always love each other and fuck nasty by the end. I will live vicariously through their fictional love and never need anything else. Full stop.

(P.S. soft top alpha John ONLY, no exceptions)

(P.P.S. Sherlock is preferably an omega but I could be convinced otherwise)

(P.P.P.S. Omega sherlock is literally my gender identity, i will not be taking questions at this time)

now accepting fic recs for this evening’s menty b, tia

#i am having a rough night #just give me 5 minutes to derealize my existence #why do I yearn for a person when I could just yearn for fictional characters #I am literally making light of my own feelings to MYSELF #my feelings make everyone uncomfortable including ME

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siminycricket · 3 years

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ＨｏｔＳｉｍＳｕｍｍｅｒ 🌞🌊

ft. Tawnie Tiny

#ts4 edits #hot sim summer 2021 #hot sim summer #beach babes #ts4 #my simself #tawnie tiny #i wish my hair looked like that #living vicariously through others fictional or otherwise

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lover-of-trash-and-people · 3 years

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me, reading about relationship (romantic or otherwise) in almost any book ever:

#conan gray #people watching #books #reading #living vicariously through others fictional or otherwise

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linkspooky · 3 years

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Dabi’s Self Suicide

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but Dabi is someone who has a tendency to make things about himself. In the League of Villains which is identifiably a group dynamic, Dabi takes every available opportunity to insist that he is alone, he is just along for the ride. A single man, with a single conviction, should be enough to change the world. He has a tendency to act like he’s the most important one here, he’s the one whose going to bring an end to hero society all on his own and yet at the same time he has no sense of identity. He has no self. He doens’t even have a name. Hawks asks him his name and he literally responds with [redacted]. I think this paradox of Dabi’s is at the core of figuring out who he is, and who he is not.

1. Father Feelings

There’s something important to understand about Dabi, and just like always it starts with the family. I don’t think a lot of people realize how truly unfeeling, callous, cold towards Dabi Endeavor really was. I know we all, even I have used the golden child / scapegoat dynamic to describe Dabi and Shoto, but one important detail is that Dabi wasn’t always the scapegoat, he was the golden child at first.

More important than Endeavor’s own feelings, is Dabi’s in this flash back. From the start, Dabi thought he was a normal kid in a normal family. He thought he had a normal dad. He even liked his super cool hero dad. Dabi wanted to train with him, wanted his attention and time, but these are just things a normal kid wants.

However, Dabi was conceived of for very abnormal reasons. From the start, going into the whole affair, Endeavor’s intentions were wrong. Dabi was expected to carry on Endeavor’s legacy for him, he was the center of his attention, the center of his world. Dabi tried his best to carry all of those expectations as much as he reasonably could.

However, there is literally nothing Dabi could have done in that situation to satisfy Endeavor. It’s not even about being born with the wrong quirk. It’s Endeavor who was wrong. From the start, Endeavor wasn’t interested in having a child or loving a child, but rather having a miniature Endeavor, Touya was just a vessel, to carry all of Endeavor’s hopes and dreams and live vicariously through him. However, that’s impossible.E ven if Touya had been born with the right quirk, that was impossible. You can’t live through another person. Touya’s success never would have been Endeavor’s. Endeavor would hae resorted to the exact same abuse, manipulation, control. Touya was never meant to be his own person, and that’s why even now, even becoming Dabi who is the rejection of everything Endeavor is, he still forms his entire personhood around Endeavor. It’s not that kids choose to form their personhood around their parents, they have to form themselves around their parents, we literally learn how to be people by interacting with other people especially during the developmental years. The same ones that Touya died during.

Endeavor’s actions towards Touya is that he not only made Touya carry all of his emotions for him, he made Touya bear the brunt of his hurt feelings, all of his expectations, but then when Touya couldn’t carry them He blamed Touya. He tossed him aside. He made Touya feel, that something was wrong with Touya, and that was why he was no longer getting his father’s attention. It’s not anything Touya did, or anything Touya could do about, Touya was literally born wrong.

It’s literally what he crawled to Natsuo asking. Yet, still Touya tried to fix himself. He was the golden child, now he’s the scapegoat, and Touya feels he did something wrong, so he keeps trying to fix himself, keeps trying to train on his own, and it doesn’t work because it could never work until it results in his eventual suicide and then how does Endeavor refer to it.

Touya was just another tragic accident. Just a little mistake, along the road to creating Shoto. I’m not trying to explain away any of Dabi’s actions, just explain the way that Dabi regards himself, rather, Dabi literally has no sense of self at all. It’s been completely smashed to pieces. It’s ash. it’s dust. It’s just gone. Dabi’s name may as well just be [redacted]. There was also once a time that Shoto worried that he was more like his father within himself, but he got help from the people around him to realize he’s his own person, help that Dabi never got.

2. Sins of the Father

So it’s like a genetic trait in the Todoroki family to be completely self absorbed, and dense to the emotions of other people, to the point where you don’t really see other people’s feelings. Like father, like son, like other son. However, Endeavor’s just like that, whereas Dabi and Shoto were made that way. Imagine what it was like to be Shoto, to be constantly told, you’re different from them, you’re the special one, you’re the chosen one. To the point where you couldn’t even play with your siblings, or be a part of everyone’s normal lives, no you were forced to be special. Shoto is oblivious to other people’s emotions because he was literally forcibly separate from other people, and even his mother who was his strongest emotional tie during literally most of his developmental years.

Empathy is literally formed by interacting with people. You can’t form it or even have it, if your interactions with people are cut off and severely limited. You learn about how other people feel by normal social interaction, something that both Touya and Shoto were eventually cut off from. Touya from dying, Shoto from his mother being hospitalized. After that their ability to form connections with others was severely hampered.

One funny thing about Shoto is he kind of acts like he’s the protagonist of his own narrative. So does Bakugo. That’s why he goes “Get out of the way all you extras.” Shoto’s the one with the tragic backstory. Shoto’s the one with this motivation to defy his father’s wishes. However, Shoto’s not the main character, he’s not the hero of the story, and it’s actually important that he’s not because the literal setting of the story is a society where everyone has the potential to be a hero. Kind of like how the point of Miles Morales story is that everyone can be spiderman. Shoto, also doesn’t really want to be a main character, or special boy, all Shoto has ever wanted was to connect with his siblings, to have the normalcy that everyone else has. In a society where everyone, even his own father is so desperately trying to stand out, Shoto wants the safety and security of normalcy.

So you kind of have this paradox in Shoto’s head. Shoto kind of thinks of himself as a main character, even though that’s not really what he wants to be, just because that’s what’s been forced into his head the entire life. The emotional isolation of an abusive parent still ahs an effect on you, even when you’re aware, like Shoto was, that what Endeavor was saying was wrong. No one can grow up properly in isolation, that’s why kids need to interact with other kids and grow up together.

So, I think the utlimate explanation for Dabi’s attitude towards the rest of the league is this. I’m the main villain. I’m the biggest threat. I’m the one who is going to bring an end to hero society all on my own.

Once again this ties back to Shoto’s trauma, and Dabi’s. Touya didn’t want to be the special one, he was forced to be. Touya thought he was a normal kid, with a normal dad until he suddenly wasn’t. Then, Touya tried his hardest to be the special one until he literally broke his body, and his dad went no nevermind, turns out you were an extra.

Saying Dabi is just doing this for Endeavor’s attention is oversimplifying. There’s a need to give a narrative to pain. Shoto even does it. Shoto literally narrates his life, he dumps his life story on everyone who will listen. People who are traumatized, want to give some sort of special meaning to their trauma, they want to feel important, because that in some way might justify what happened to them. If they can’t feel loved, they can try feeling important, like someone who mattered. Otherwise, Dabi is literally just someone who died and got forgotten. Otherwise, he’s just a sad little mistake, the same way his father regards him. Dabi can’t let the league in, because he has to do this on his own to prove he’s special.

Dabi has this very individualistic and self centered approach to changing the world. He has to do it all on his own. He has to play mastermind. He was to orchestrate Endeavor’s rise and fall, and once again these are coping behaviors. Touya couldn’t control his abandonment, he had no agency in that, so he tries to pretend he’s in control of everything now. Even Dabi burning himself, his self-harming,it’s pain he’s in control of because he’s doing it to himself, father isn’t forcing him to train until he breaks anymore.

Shoto sees himself as a main character. Dabi sees himself as the main villain.

However, at the same time. Dabi hates himself. He loathes himself. It comes out in his self loathing behaviors, but more than that every thing Dabi does is an act of self destruction. Dabi has no feelings, no friends, no family, because he’s trying to destroy all those things.

Dabi has no sense of self, because Endeavor has ruined him to the point where he’s still Endeavor’s empty vessel after all these years of separation from him. Dabi has no self, and also he doesn’t want one. He doesn’t want to grow past this point.

Dabi has entirely fictionalized his life. That’s why he makes a dramatic reveal. Hee wants to turn his life into a tragedy, where he is the main character, where he is the one that Shoto and Endeavor cannot save. Because at least this way, he will not be forgotten. Unable to grasp for love, he tries to grasp for some kind of improtance, to change the world instead. In that scenario, it makes sense Dabi would distance himself from the league. I don’t think Dabi knows what his true feelings towards theleague are. In fact, I don’t even think he thinks about them. Who cares about what his feelings are? They are entirely separate from what he must do. Any feelings he has, any regrets, are going to burn away when he explodes like a bomb to ruin his father’s life.

Dabi’s wavering motivations, his constant flipping between different emotions, like he’s channel surfing, I dont’ believe we’re supposed to read into every single thing he says, but rather notice how constantly he’s changing what he’s saying, because Dabi has no stable sense of self. We’re also supposed to see why he has no stable sense of self, because he’s all alone.

This is the climax of Dabi’s big revenge play, it was supposed to end here, with the tragic protagonist dying. However, I think it’s actually really important in this arc that Dabi gets upstaged. Dabi is not the main character, Dabi’s not even the main villain. He’s not even the only character whose the descendant of a hero. It’s also, really important that Compress is the one who upstages his reveal.

What’s that? You thought I was a background character! It turns out I had this important motivation all along. The pacing is weird but it does achieve the intended effect. Dabi thought this was his moment, but that was actually bad for him. Dabi’s main flaw is that he tries to do all of these things along, but he’s not the only one who dreams of a better world. Dabi, Toga, Shigaraki, Mr. Compress says that all of their dreams are important at the same time. They are all simultaneously main characters.

Dabi doesn’t get to have his moment, but I think it’s narratively important that he didn’t get to have it, because Dabi does no favors for himself by cutting himself off from the league. It’s meant to be a character flaw, Dabi shouldn’t get his revenge play, because his revenge play ends up with him dying at the end to spite Endeavor one fainly time. Dabi can’t achieve his dreams, because he hasn’t figured out who he is, or even who he wants to be yet. He just knwos what he doesn’t want to be. He just knows what he’s not. He’s not Endeavor. However I don’t think there’s going to be some big twist reveal about his character where he’s like, I secretly cared about the league, or my family all along, I was secretly a soft guy at heart. Those feelings are there. It’s not a problem of being unfeeling with Dabi, rather that Dabi has no central sense of self to stabilize all those feelings around, thus we see him swinging wildly back and forth. I think while Dabi obviously has feelings towards both of those groups of people, a self is something he’ll have to develop over time when he finally introduces himself to the league. When he’s forced to live, past the tragic ending of his play.

Who will Dabi be when he realizes he has to live past his imagined revenge, who can he become? I think his development from this point will be incredibly interesting to wait, watch and see.

#touya todoroki #dabi #lov meta #mha meta #bnha meta #league of villains #league of villains meta #todoroki touya

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yandearest · 4 years

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May The Odds Be Ever in Your Favor (Hoseok x Reader Hunger Games AU) Chapter 4: The Interviews

Summary - Living in District 4 you never thought you would have to worry about being selected for the Hunger Games. With a training centre right near the dock of the houseboat you lived and fished from, your district was known for volunteers who trained their whole lives for a shot at glory and riches. But at age 18, your name is called and no girls volunteer to take your place. Your devastation is answered when Kim Namjoon volunteers for the males shortly after. Tall, muscular, highly intelligent and charming, the years of diligent preparation have bestowed Namjoon with the expectation of being the next District 4 champion after Finnick Odair last won 3 years ago.

Fishing for a living has granted you skills with a knife but, as your mentor Finnick is quick to describe, your beautiful face may well be your best asset.

Upon arrival in the Capitol you are quickly faced with the reality that Namjoon may not even be the biggest danger inside the Arena. Especially when you capture the obsessive attention of District 2′s own volunteer, and killing machine, Jung Hoseok. Hope soon fades from ‘survival’ to ‘the mercy of a painless death’ but Hoseok certainly has other plans.

Pairing - Hoseok x (fem)Reader

Genre - thriller, angst, yandere

Word Count 8.1K

Warnings - [in later chapters] major character death, graphic depictions of violence, swearing, obsession, dubcon-smut (smut will be marked so reading is optional), gore, unrealistically beautiful oc because I’m a sucker for that shitty trope and want to live vicariously through my writing (sue me)

The following is a dark fic featuring a yandere character, violence, obsession, and coercion. By no means does writing about this in a fictional setting condone any of those behaviours, much like Stephen King writing horror doesn’t mean he approves of psychotic killers in reality. Please avoid reading if any of these warnings makes you uncomfortable.

Previous Chapter: 1, 2, 3

Cross posted on A03 so people can subscribe for updates/notifications

Very little was said throughout the rest of hearing the other tribute’s scores, and as soon as that was finished you were hurried into a car to the studio to begin getting ready. You were pleased to discover that each tribute was granted their own dressing room and you didn’t have to share with your district mate. You wondered if this theatre was uniquely built for The Hunger Games given the twenty-four individual dressing rooms. As you were ushered into the make up chair and had a black cape draped around your neck, you thought about all the other female tributes from district four that could have been seated in this very room before you. You wondered how many of them had lived beyond the next week.

Before you could fall into a depressive spiral you were yanked back into reality by the team as they began to work on styling your hair with an array of wands, brushes and sprays. From the corner of your eye you could spot a rack of dresses two of the stylists were arguing over, but you couldn’t turn your head to properly look at the options with the way your hair was being pulled.

Unlike the chariot ride, where your hair had been pulled into a partial up-do and styled with various decorative clips, extensions, and a tiara, your stylists were discussing with each other how best to show off your “natural beauty”. Their reasoning seemed to be that in the arena you would not be wearing make up, so they wanted to create a look that could somehow capture your beauty and still transition from the stage into the games.

They had chosen to leave your hair down and loose, the treatment from a few days ago still feeling soft and looking healthy. They had elected to tame your natural wave into a smoother style, running a straightener through your hair before going back over it once more to apply a very soft curl towards the ends. With the hair finished the team quickly moved on to make up as the two stylists, who had previously been arguing by the clothes rack hurried over with the dress they had decided on.

“Isn’t it perfect!” Garnet sighed, holding up the white gown that seemed more fitting of a bride than a teenager, but you couldn’t help admitting that the dress was indeed very beautiful. Made of lace with a pattern of flowers and vines crawling across the fabric, the dress was adorned with shimmering crystals that resembled snowflakes throughout the fabric. Although you didn’t understand how it was supposed to fit a “natural beauty” aesthetic. You didn’t bother questioning it, the logic from Capitol people was something you had far given up on trying to understand.

Ruby and Quartz chimed their agreement as the rest of the team all chorused their approval whilst hurrying to start picking out matching accessories and select coordinating colors for your makeup. The fact no one had bothered to ask for your opinion wasn’t lost on you, but it’s not like you could see anything else on that clothing rack, or anywhere else around the room, worth arguing to wear instead. You were forced to shut your eyes so the artist could begin applying your eye shadow and in the resulting darkness you imagined yourself walking out on to the stage in the casual attire you were still dressed in, no make up, and damp hair still not properly dried from your earlier shower. You smiled to yourself at the imagined scandalized reaction from the audience, pretend Caesar sputtering as he somehow tried to carry on with his interview, and imaginary Finnick watching backstage with his head in his hands. If only you were allowed not to care about all of the showmanship of these stupid games. You dress up, smile and wave, and still get slaughtered anyway, so what good did playing along with their little show do?

'Sponsors!' Imaginary Finnick answered your own thoughts, although this time his voice in your head was an echo of a real memory.

From what time you had spent strategizing with him, the most important thing he had reiterated was always the importance of sponsorships, and the repetition of how he acquired his stupid trident. Easy for him to say when he had his carved face and had nearly been six foot back when he was fourteen. But Finnick had also been quick to rebut your snark with his reports and clips on how well received your chariot appearance had been in the Capitol. With training and the nightmare of dealing with Hoseok keeping you otherwise occupied, you hadn’t had any time to monitor the reactions of the people who were supposedly going to be betting on you. According to Finnick over the last few days, you were by far the most popular female tribute. As he walked you to the dressing room before, he told you that your surprisingly high Tribute score had done even more wonders for your odds, and all you really had to do now was show up on stage and look pretty. If everything worked out, you may actually have a shot of surviving this thing.

Was it fair that your only chance of survival in these games depended on outside interference?

No.

Did you care when a fair game would mean a guaranteed death?

Also no.

So you passively sat in the chair and allowed the team to work, until they told you it was time to stand up and change into the dress. You were lead to a privacy screen in the back corner of the room, and told to put the dress on as far as you could before you required help. You wondered how hard putting on a dress could be, but as you stepped into the lace and put your arms into the sleeves you realized the garment had a corset in the bodice, and you would need someone to pull the threads. You took a moment to enjoy the last few easy inhales and exhales you would enjoy for the next hour before calling on someone to assist. One of the triplets – you weren’t capable of telling them apart on their own – had you brace yourself against the wall as they set to work tightening the ribbons around your torso.

When she was done you fidgeted, trying to adjust to your newly restricted range of motion. Thankfully the corset was only under the bust so it wasn’t pressing upon your chest as badly as you were expecting. You uncomfortably stepped out from the privacy screen and ignored the staff reaction to your dress. You had already seen them fawn over you before, during the chariot parade, and you couldn’t care less how pretty they thought you were. Instead you looked around before spotting the pair of shoes that went with the dress; glittery silver pumps, with a modest heel so you could easily walk on stage. They were next to a full length mirror, so you walked over and slipped them on, before taking a step back to assess your appearance.

Oh.

The dress had appeared as merely a nice piece of fabric on the hanger, but actually being worn, it truly was stunning. The garment looked like a whimsical winter garden, the various jewels glimmering like snowflakes on the lace patterned white leaves and flowers that crawled across the fabric. The bottom part of the gown was long and flowed to the floor, with extra fabric underneath to create more volume. The corset cinched your waistline in tightly before ending just below your bust, pushing your breasts up, in the sweetheart-neckline bodice. The dress had below-the-shoulder sleeves that were sheer, with snow embellishments ending at your wrists. Your makeup was flattering; a neutral lip with a little gloss, and a focus on the eyes. Shimmery pearls and purples were used to create a smoky eye and crystal gems had been placed on the outer corners. You looked like an ice princess.

A knock at the door broke up your self assessment, before Finnick walked into the room.

“Show’s starting now, District 1 will be on in five, you’ll be up in about another fifteen minutes.”

Finnick stopped to take in your appearance, nodding his approval to the team, before coming over to stand before you.

“You look wonderful,” he spoke softly, reaching to pick up one of your hands and hold it both of his. He gave it what he hoped was a reassuring squeeze.

“Thank you,” you whispered, with a mild squeeze back.

“The Capitol already adores you after your chariot ride, so tonight just seeing you again, looking this beautiful will be all they need. You’ve done the hardest part with your tribute score, so just try to relax as much as possible.”

“Easier said that done,” you replied with a shaky laugh.

“I know that all too well,” Finnick conceded with a lop sided smile.

You envied him and his natural charm. But you supposed you had to have some of your own to have caught the Capitol’s attention, not to mention Hoseok’s too. You hadn’t been trying for either of those, so perhaps that was your best tactic to use with Caesar.

“How’s Namjoon?” You asked, your district-mate hadn’t said a word to you since the scores were read back in the living quarters.

“Calm.” Finnick replied honestly.

“Can’t even tell you what his plans are ‘cause he barely even tells me anything. Makes it hard to try and strategize, but if he doesn’t want the free help then I’m not going to force it.”

“But I thought you guys spent heaps of time together?” you frowned. If Finnick wasn’t helping you much, and Namjoon didn’t want his help, then what had he been doing? You guessed he had work to do with trying to gather sponsorships or trying to extract information out of the other mentors.

“Hardly. What little time you may have felt that we spent together is more than twice the time I’ve spent with him.” Finnick dismissed with a shrug.

“For the record, you’re my favorite between you, and I’m not just saying that based on your scores tonight. You’re humble and you listen. Arrogance doesn’t go far in games like these.”

“It did for you.”

Finnick huffed out a laugh.

“Keep that wit with you on stage and you’ll be swimming in sponsors. But to be clear, my arrogance was tactical, and I took outside help when it was offered.”

You nodded, not really knowing what more to say.

Finnick stepped past you to turn on a TV in the top corner of your dressing room. Krystal appeared on the screen, wearing a silk red dress and matching lipstick, laughing at something Caesar had just said. From the looks of it, her interview was nearly finished.

“Interviews are usually three minutes each, so not that long. There’s twenty-four of you and they have to keep the show under two hours,” Finnick explained as Caesar bid Krystal farewell.

Yoongi was quickly announced and stepped up on to the stage, to a round of applause from the audience.

“It’s worth paying attention because Caesar can be very tricky. He’s a showman and he needs to extract interesting information and reactions for ratings. Sometimes a tribute will accidentally let too much of their game-plan slip, and you can take advantage of that in the arena. Some of them crumble and you can pick out the easy targets, others become too hot headed so keep an eye open on people to avoid too.”

Finnick explained, as you simultaneously listened to Yoongi explaining how he volunteered upon hearing his sister’s name being drawn. Much like you had already suspected, his goal was to ensure that Krystal is the one to survive. You wondered how Hoseok, Athena, and Namjoon felt.

Once your supposed final six broke down there would already be a team of two. Knowing Hoseok he’d have to have some plan in place, especially given he was goading Yoongi over Krystal earlier. You didn’t like how his plan had involved you in it, immediately making you a threat to the alliance the same way Yoongi and Krystal were. But at least you had a friendship with Krystal. Maybe that’s what Hoseok was banking on. A team up of the two teams, to take out the outliers of Namjoon and Athena, then a fight between the duos. Hoseok could easily take Yoongi, but if this was his plan, he was giving you far too much credit against Krystal, who had kicked your ass most of the time in spar training. But he had been watching you and had to have known that too. Maybe he was planning to take her out another way? Maybe Krystal’s entire reason for being kind to you was to bring you into a team of three with her brother for their added protection, which also gave you a better shot of surviving against the likes of Hoseok and Namjoon in a final showdown. Or perhaps you would all be taken out by some rogue from an outsider district. You had seen a couple of pretty respectable scores of 7s and 8s.

“I’m going to go make sure Namjoon is ready, I’ll be back in a minute.”

You nodded in recognition at Finnicks words, whilst keeping your glazed over eyes in the direction of the TV. You weren’t actually paying attention to Caesar starting to wrap up Yoongi’s interview, too busy lost in your thoughts of how impossible this whole game was. Having strategies for the arena almost felt entirely pointless given how many things had to go right in order for them to work out vs the millions of ways something could go wrong. Alliances stab each other in the back, other districts are underestimated, the Capitol always throws out insane and deadly traps. Hoseok had to be insane to think he could somehow plan for all of these factors. But perhaps insanity would be the biggest advantage in the arena.

Finnick’s knuckles wrapping against the door broke your reverie and you turned to face the sight of him and Namjoon in your doorway.

“Let’s get this over with,” you muttered, walking out to join them and following along as Finnick started on a path through the corridors.

“That’s the spirit,” Namjoon sarcastically cheered at your monotone, clapping his hand over your shoulder to give it a shake.

You immediately swatted his hand away with an annoyed twitch of your nose. Finnick sighed, not even turning around as he continued to lead you, but you could see him pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation. He didn’t have time to stop and scold, as you could see you were approaching the backstage area. Several Capitol workers were busily rushing around each other, clasping clip boards, coffees, headsets, camera equipment, and a range of other items. A woman dressed in black impatiently waved her hand in Finnick’s direction with a frown. You weren’t sure if he was late or if she just hated her job.

You quickly found it was a combination of the two when she immediately scolded Finnick for showing up ‘one minute’ late as per the official schedule, before launching into snapped instructions on where you and Namjoon were to stand, how you would be called on stage, and where to go after. You didn’t say anything, and neither did Namjoon, just nodding docilely as additional staff hovered around you both; clipping on a tiny microphone, putting a small listening piece into your ear and applying last second touch ups to your hair and makeup. From here you were then escorted into a waiting section, at a wing on the side of the stage.

You swallowed a lump in your throat at the feeling of claustrophobia that the wing created. You were surrounded by large black curtains that hid you from sight and created a backdrop behind the constructed stage pieces. At the very end you could faintly see a tiny part of the stage, and a crop of short blonde hair you recognized as belonging to Athena. A few feet in front of you, behind a section marked off with red tape on floor, were the tributes from District 3 and their mentor, and at the corner of the curtain waiting with his own mentor and a stagehand, was Hoseok.

You vaguely recognized his mentor from a Hunger Games a few years ago. You didn’t recall her name, but from the sharp teeth you could see, you remembered her as the victor who had literally ripped a tribute’s throat out. You swallowed thickly thinking about Hoseok’s earlier bloodthirsty threats against your own alliance.

He was peering out from behind the curtain, watching his district mate with a bored expression, the angle giving you a view of his sharp side profile. He was dressed in a suit; fitted black pants, a white shirt with a thin black tie, topped off with a black jacket that was covered in black sequins. His outfit was completed by a pair of bronze boots, which complimented the shade of his russet hair that was styled in loose curls that framed his forehead.

His head turned at the sound of your heels on the floor, piercing brown eyes making contact with your own. You instantly froze, as if his eyes somehow were capable of inducing paralysis. He was eerily stunning, handsome beyond belief, but there was something more about him that sent shivers of fear down your spine. Memories from merely a few hours ago of him trapping you in the hallway, isolating you from the others, and forcing you into a kiss came to mind. You hated yourself for how weak you had felt, not even capable of pushing him away, again you still weren’t even sure that you wanted it to stop. Even now you could still feel the lingering tingle upon your lips, like a remaining taste of electricity that he had sparked. That same electricity was hovering in the air as the two of you stared at one another. But did you actually want him? Were you actually attracted to him, or was your fear of the games causing you to project these feelings?

“Two! You’re on!”

The stagehand’s instructions caused Hoseok to break the eye contact, nodding to the staff before turning to walk out. But not before he could look back at you once more, leaving you with a final wink. You shuddered uncomfortably, suddenly feeling cold and raising your arms to cross over your chest. You glanced up between Finnick and Namjoon, the latter watching you with a look of amusement whilst Finnick was staring out at the stage with a concerned frown. You knew he didn’t like Hoseok from the details you had already told him, so you could assume that little display didn’t help with his impression.

It was clear very early that the Capitol had taken a liking to the District 2 male. Hoseok walked out to loud applause, cheers, and a few whistles. He took it all in his stride, waving to the people, and smiling in a way that flashed his dimples and almost made his mouth look like it was in the shape of a heart. He charmed Caesar and answered his questions about his home life in two confidently (“We work hard to provide The Capitol with the finest weapons and masonry we can provide, in return the Capitol provides us with everything we need”), along with providing some details of his family life (“what can I say, I’m a momma’s boy at heart”). His mentor watched on stoically by the wings, the barest hint of a nod every now and then being her only reaction. You could tell Finnick was trying to get a read off of her, but she wasn’t giving anything away. Meanwhile the mentor for Three was doing all they could to try and reassure their tributes they weren’t going to die on stage.

“What are your expectations?”

Caesar’s question brings your focus back to their interview and you pay extra attention for this answer, given Hoseok has always been extremely vague with his actual game plan besides ‘kill everyone except you’.

“You know, it’s funny Caesar, the thing about these games is you can never truly expect anything. I spent eighteen years of my life training myself for this moment to come. I’ve studied all the arenas, prepared as much as I could for wherever we may end up, but nothing could prepare me for who was going into that arena with me. I showed up to the chariot ride and training, expecting to meet people who I would just see as targets to kill. Instead I’m now going into the arena with the love of my life.”

Oh no.

You feel your stomach drop as you instantly realize Hoseok is about to talk about you.

“Three days is an awfully short time period to fall in love with someone, don’t you think?”

“It took much less time than three days, Caesar. I was in love the second I saw her.”

Shit.

“So what was it about these games that made you realize your dormant feelings for Athena?”

Hoseok balks at Caesar’s assumption, his eyebrows raising, before he quickly moves to smooth his expression over with a laugh

“No, my feelings are for YN.”

Oh no, oh no, oh no.

“Mother fucker,” Finnick curses beside you. N

amjoon merely looks amused, whilst you also notice Hoseok’s mentor has now turned her attention from the stage to you. You feel even further unnerved from the fact she doesn’t seem remotely surprised by his words. She is far from an expressive woman, but you somehow get the feeling from her as she assesses your appearance, that it’s out of interest to know who her tribute has been talking about the last few days.

Meanwhile you wish that the floor would somehow open up and swallow you whole. Away from Hoseok’s advances, all the unwanted attention it resulted in and away an imminent painful death.

“But this is The Hunger Games, surely you know only one of you will come out alive?”

“I’m faced with an impossible task, but I’ve never felt more certain of anything in my life. Maybe we will both die in that arena, and that will be our way to live together in eternity in the next life. However, I do have one idea, and it’s a crazy long shot, but for her I have to to try.”

“Well I am just dying to know what that one idea is, but I have a feeling if I asked you wouldn’t tell me anyway!” Caesar exclaims with his trademark uproarious laugh at the end.

“Absolutely not,” Hoseok shrugs and shoots him a grin.

Caesar’s laugh continues and the audience joins in before the host bids him farewell and Hoseok leaves the stage.

You’re still lost in your desire to no longer even exist anymore that you barely register anything that has happened. You vaguely hear Hoseok’s concept of a long shot plan but it seems so unrealistic that it’s not even worth considering what it might even be. It’s not like you were planning on going along with it anyway, especially not after how he had just thrown you to the wolves in his interview.

You realize that Finnick is talking to you again, he’s trying to process Hoseok’s interview just as much as you are and has quickly taken to offering advice now. “This may not actually be too bad, maybe we can work this to our advantage. Hoseok is the top betting favorite, so potentially this can boost your odds too” … “Caesar loves gossip so the more time he spends talking about Hoseok in your interview, the less time he’s trying to extract things that could make you slip up” … “talk about your loved ones back in four” You’re not sure if you’re capable of processing his advice but you nod along anyway.

Namjoon continues to say nothing, but you don’t like the expression on his face. He has a smug air about him, similar to the one back in the apartment when his scores were read. You have an eerie feeling from him and you don’t like it.

The time district three takes for their interviews passes in what feels like seconds. Before you know it you have the stage hand waving you on stage and Finnick whispering a rushed “good luck” as you’re ushered out.

The first thing you realize is that you can barely see the audience, the bright lights being directed upon the stage are nearly blinding and you can’t see much from behind them besides a warped blur. The next thing you realize is that although you cannot see the audience, you can definitely hear them. You are met with a loud reception of applause and cheers as you make your way over to the directed couch. You attempt to take it in your stride, smiling and waving before you dip to a curtsy as you take your seat.

“Isn’t she lovely folks!”

You turn your painted on smile to Caesar, who is even more green in person. His hair is shockingly vibrant, his emerald suit reflective in the stage lights and you can see the sparkling details of his matching contacts.

“Now YN,” Caesar immediately launches into business and you mentally begin a countdown clock of the 180 seconds that you will be forced to remain in his presence. “I simply must say that you are gorgeous on camera, but even more stunning in person! I almost can’t even believe you’re a real person and not some divine creature!”

You respond with an awkward shrug and humbly averting your eyes to the floor, your hair flows down over your shoulder at the movement. The audience cheers again and whistles their approval at Caesar’s assessment of your appearance.

‘Shallow cunts.’ You remember Finnick’s words from the train, and you huff a small laugh to yourself in agreement. You allow this to bring a more natural smile to your face as you raise your eyes to meet Caesar’s once more.

“Oh Caesar, you really are too much. I assure you that much of this is the work of my talented stylists and make up artists.”

“Now, now don’t be so modest. Surely your beauty must still exist without these glamorous outfits for you to have District 2 so enamored with you!”

You have to mentally restrain yourself from scowling at the mention of Hoseok and his interview. Instead you settle for attempting to coolly rebuff him.

“I’m flattered, but really I don’t even know him.”

Caesar isn’t deterred and continues with his angle.

“But yet Hoseok still fell in love with you. And who could blame him folks I mean look at her everybody isn’t she gorgeous!”

At this the crowd launches into another round of applause. You attempt to appear bashful, yet flattered. You pretend to hide behind one hand whilst waving to the audience with the other.

“Now come on YN, tell us what you really think of Hoseok,” Caesar begins to press and you find yourself becoming increasingly frustrated with how he’s making your interview about another competitor. As if you are only in these games to exist as a romantic interest for a man.

“I don’t.” You reply bluntly, and if you weren’t in a fight for your life that relied upon being likeable you would have folded your arms and left it at exactly that. But instead your force yourself to continue on.

“At least not in an emotional sense. These games are so intense, from the parade, to the three days of training, the assessment, and now this interview, and that’s before we even step inside the arena. I barely have time to breathe, let alone develop a romantic connection.”

You hope this is enough to get him off your back.

“She’s really not going to give us anything!”

You’re confused for a moment before you realize that Caesar thinks you’re lying.

“I swear, it’s the truth,” you try to implore, looking at Caesar in the eyes before trying to see into the audience as if begging them all to believe you.

“The only man I love is back home in four, my father. I can’t allow myself to get distracted by anyone when I need to win to see him again. My mother died a few years ago and I’m an only child. All we have left in this world is each other.”

You have to stop and take a deep breath as by the end your throat is starting to choke up. You’ve barely allowed any thoughts of home to enter your mind, as you know it will only lead to you becoming upset and you have to remain focused for any chance of survival.

Sensing your distress Caesar finally starts to change the topic.

“Oh my, I’m so sorry about your mother,” he coos and you hear similar hushed “awes” from the crowd.

You refrain from snapping that they’re clearly not sorry about the loss of life to prevent the annual slaughter of twenty teenagers. Instead you settle for a demure “thank you”.

The remainder of your interview is spent talking about your parents, your home, your work on the boat and ends on a final note of your skills with a knife. By the end you are exhausted; emotionally spent from the topic of your parents and feeling like Caesar had somehow drained the energy out of you through his exuberant and overbearing presence.

After your final courtesy to Caesar and the audience, you are directed to an exit on the opposite end of the stage from which you came. You don’t stick around to watch Namjoon from the side, all you want is to be by yourself and you figure that your dressing room is probably the best place for that. Following signs that are up on the walls of the hallway, you easily navigate yourself back to your room. Though you pass some of the other tributes who are approaching the stage for their interviews, you are relieved you don’t see anyone you really recognize.

Entering your room, you head straight for the chair you had been sitting in before, noticing that the TV had been left on from before. The camera was focused on Namjoon who sat comfortably on the lounge, and gave the impression that he was totally at ease.

“…doesn’t know what he’s talking about when it comes to Y/N.” you catch him mention your name and frown.

“He thinks he’s fallen in love with her at first sight just because she’s beautiful, which of course she is, I mean come on Caesar we all have eyes.”

He pauses to look to the audience with his arms outstretched, as if he’s stating the obvious, and they respond with a laugh. Caesar cackles along, clearly please to have a guest that is hamming it up for the cameras.

“But she’s my teammate. We’ll work together in the career pack as long as we can but when that inevitably reaches the end I’ll be the one protecting her, not him. He’s known her for less than a week, we grew up together.”

What?

“Why Namjoon, is there a bit of a love triangle going on here!”

“There just might be”

Whatever relief you were hoping to find upon your interview being over and finally having some time alone was absolute gone. For the second time in less than half an hour, you feel as if your stomach is made of lead and plummeting to the floor.

“Tell us more! You simply have to tell us more! When did you first realize your true feelings for our darling YN?”

He doesn’t!

“There was no moment, no instant spark, because that’s not how love really works. Love is the familiar, the regular presence and comfort she brings just from knowing she’s in my life. Her name was never meant to have been called at the reaping and I wish when I volunteered it could have been in her pla-”

“What a load of bullshit!” Your cry at the television, cutting off the sound of Namjoon’s lies, as you threw the remote at the screen.

Perhaps the Capitol had experienced tribute outbreaks in the past because it merely bounced off the surface, however it thankfully turned off the stream. You bunched the skirt of your dress in your hands, preparing to storm out onto the stage and call out Namjoon’s bluff yourself. You turned towards the exit of the room, only to swirl into a hard surface. You grunted at the impact of hitting a muscular body, the toned figure made you think it was a Capitol security guard coming to investigate your TV tantrum, but a familiar drawl suddenly caused your blood to run cold.

“What’s the rush, darling?”

Even in all his terror, Jung Hoseok truly was the most beautiful man you had ever seen. The television cameras failed to do him justice. They didn’t capture the warmth to his skin, the softness of his hair, nor the addictive scent you were being forced to inhale from his sudden presence.

“What are you doing here?”

Your voice was unintentionally soft as a whisper, almost as if you were praying he wasn’t really in the room. But your hands on his chest from where you had collided reminded you he very much was real, as you tried to push yourself away. He only hummed in contentment upon feeling your touch on his body, locking his hands upon your wrists to keep them there. Hoseok’s long fingers were like iron chains, grasping so tightly you couldn’t even think to try and push past him.

“Get out, or I’ll scream,” you hiss, trying to sound threatening, but the instinctual fear that Hoseok’s presence set off only caused your breath to shake and your words to sound pleading.

The corner of Hoseok’s lip raised upwards into a cruel curl as he stepped forward, you instantly took a matching step back. But this only continued until your back collided with the wall, his body pushed against yours and your wrists held tightly in his clutches.

“I thought you were going to scream?” he taunts, cocking his head to the side, his eyes seeming to sparkle with glee as he mocked you. You were trembling, you had wanted to scream, but the second he started to advance upon you all of your thoughts had instantly turned into flight mode, foolishly backing away until there was no space left to go. Oh god, you truly were dead once you stepped into that arena tomorrow. Over his shoulder you could see the door shut on the other end of the room, with no way for anyone to see him inside of your room. How had he even managed to get inside without being noticed?

“HEL-”

Before you could even get a word out, his forearm was pressed against your windpipe, cutting off your cry. Your already panicked eyes blew wide open in fear, unable to move or breathe.

“Shhhh,” he coos, leaning in so his lips were ever so slightly hovering over yours as you tried to push him off – your lungs starting to burn from the lack of oxygen.

“You know I promised not to hurt you love, but if you’re going to be that fucking stupid then you leave me no choice.”

Restricted between his body and the wall, it was all you could do to vainly scratch your nails against his grip on your wrists, desperately trying to get him to release his hold. But all Hoseok did in return was gently brush his lips to yours, in a move that contradicted his violent chokehold, before pulling back to watch you struggle.

“C-a-nt … br-eee…” with no air, you barely made a sound, eyes watering in pain. You try to kick, but Hoseok’s body is too close, his hips and thighs pressing against yours making it impossible to move.

Finally, his pressure relaxes, although his arm still remains resting upon your throat.

You inhale a choked gasp before letting out a broken cough. You weren’t sure how long he had cut off your airway, every second burning in agony had felt like a minute, and the impact left you struggling to regain your breath even after he had backed off. Meanwhile Hoseok released his hold on your hands to snake his arm behind your waist and pat against your back, as you continued to splutter trying to suck in air with tears streaking down your face.

“You’re insane,” you wheeze, voice raspy and barely audible, but Hoseok’s quirked lip breaking into a wicked smile showed you that he had heard.

“Only because you drive me crazy,” he grins, moving his arm away from your throat to catch a tear rolling down your cheek with his thumb.

Your head was spinning and your vision was filled the kind of black spots you would get if you stood up too fast. Your throat was sore and your lungs still burned as you tried to regain your breathing. Too weak to fight back, it was all you could do to try and lean as far away from him as you could, turning your face to the side. But Hoseok wasn’t having any of that, tightening his hold on your waist.

A choked whimper escaped from your lips, the sound similar to that of an injured animal. You were frightened by the ease he had overpowered you, contrasted by his sickening affection. With his arm holding you around the waist, he gently rubbed his palm up and down against your back. His other hand came to rest on the side of your head, tenderly running his fingers through your hair, as if soothing a child woken up by a nightmare.

“I hate you.”

Your voice was a strained whisper, as your eyes deliberately focused on the ground to avoid his burning stare.

Hoseok merely hums in recognition, content to remain in this position for as long as possible – trying to ingrain everything into his memory. The softness of your hair was like liquid silk passing though his fingertips. Despite the thickness of the bodice, he could still feel the warmth of your body beneath his palm through your dress. As he looked down, he had a direct view of your exposed cleavage pressing against his chest, watching the swell of your breasts heave with every breath.

‘Soft, soft, soft’ his mind repeats over every little detail. From your hair, to your skin, to your breasts and your scent, everything about you was so delicate and enticing. He almost felt bad for how roughly he had handled you, except that doing so had resulted in you becoming so pliant in his arms. ‘a necessary evil’

“Good,” was his eventual reply.

“I hate you,” You repeat again, raising your chin to glare at him for dismissing your anger so flippantly.

He only smiled at you fondly in return.

“I love you.”

It was somehow like he had knocked the winds from your lungs all over again. In his interview it was possibly an insane strategy, but seeing the burning intensity in his eyes as he stared at you like you were the only thing in the universe, made you truly realize that this was what he actually believed.

“That’s impossible, we’ve known each other for three days,” you hiss back. “And you don’t hurt someone you love!”

Hoseok closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head slowly.

“Oh but darling, you hurt the ones you love the most”

As if to emphasize his words, his hands in your hair tighten into a painful grasp, causing you to whimper. You reach both of your hands up to hold onto his grip, trying to get him to release. In turn, he does, but only ever so slightly, just so he can enjoy the feeling of your hands touching him.

He leans further in to press his lips to the shell of your ear, the tickling feeling of his breath causing you to shiver.

“I love you so much it causes me far more pain than whatever you’re feeling now. I looked at you for one moment and you were like an insidious vine that crawled inside of my veins to wrap around my heart. So now it belongs to you, beats for you, burns for you and craves only you.”

“Please, I didn’t do anythi-”

You tried to beg, but he immediately cut you off.

“That doesn’t matter.” He snaps and you flinch.

“The instant I saw you it was like every tie that once bound me to this earth was cut, and then every thread was tied to you. In just a second you become my oxygen, my gravity, my entire reason for being.

Every night since the moment I saw you, I have dreamed of you. I dreamed of kissing you senseless at the chariots, like how I wanted to do the moment we met. I dreamed of you during training, that it was my bed you came back to at night. When I saw you in this dress I instantly knew that tonight I will dream of making you my wife. And I have a plan that will make that dream a reality.”

Finally, he released his hold on your body, stepping back to watch as you slump against the wall and slowly fall to sit upon the ground in a combination of exhaustion and horror. Your eyes were wide in a shell shocked daze.

Slowly, he steps backwards towards the door, keeping his eyes on you the entire time. But you don’t even notice. You’re no longer even looking at him anymore, just staring emptily at the room, but not seeing anything inside

“If you try to run from me tomorrow, I will find you. I will hunt you down and drag you back to me, where you belong.”

For a brief moment you regain a sense of clarity to ask him the question that has been burning in your mind ever since he started his insane proclamations.

“What happens when we’re the last two? Who dies?”

Stepping out of the room, his answer offers you no sense of closure before he shuts the door behind him…

“You leave that for me to deal with. All you need to know is that you will leave these games by my side, or not at all.”

***

After Hoseok had left you in your dressing room, you had immediately scrambled to your feet to lock the door behind him. From there you rushed to strip out of your dress and back into your lounge clothes. Grabbing wipes from the counter, you angrily scrubbed off all the make up from your face. You weren’t sure if you had to go back out on stage at the end with all the other tributes, frankly you didn’t care.

“Hello?”

You’re startled by a knock at the door.

“It’s Finnick, can I come in for a moment?”

You suppose he’s only asking to be polite, given he very likely has access to any room you’re in as a mentor. With a huff you storm over to the door, unlocking it and wrenching it open.

“Did you tell him to say that about me?” You snap, referring to Namjoon and his earlier interview. Finnick hurriedly enters the room and pulls the door shut behind him.

“Is this part of your little fucked up plan for the tribute with the better prospects to actually win, by using me to try and humanize that bastard?” You continue to yell.

“No!” Finnick replies, vigorously shaking his head.

“Then what the fuck was that?” Your pent up frustration and anger comes out in a harsh shove, causing Finnick to stumble backwards, though he quickly regains his balance.

“I only told him to show that he cared about you as a teammate” Finnick sighs, holding his hands up in a surrender gesture, whilst emphasizing the word ‘teammate’ slowly. “I swear I never told him anything about acting like he had romantic feelings.”

You immediately feel bad for pushing him.

“Whatever rage you feel at me, and especially at him, save it. Save it and use it tomorrow the first thing you wake up because that is what you’re going to need to become a killer.”

“Can I kill him tomorrow?”

The question slips out before you can think it might be a bad idea to confess to your mutual mentor that wish to kill your district partner.

“If you think you can, that is the game after all,” Finnick shrugs with a lopsided grin.

You’re too stressed to properly laugh, but you let out an amused hum at his quip. You’re grateful for Finnick’s good nature towards you.

“I’m sorry I pushed you,” you apologize.

“It’s fine,” Finnick quickly shrugs it off.

His relaxed demeanor quickly tenses though, before he turns back to the door to make sure it’s locked behind him. You mentally kick yourself for not doing that earlier.

“Listen, I’m here because I wanted to tell you that it appears the president has taken a liking to you.”

You blanch.

From all the ridiculous shit you have heard today, the president joining your little fan club is the least thing you expected.

“President Snow? But why?”

“I’m not one hundred percent certain, but if you remember when we first met on the train I told you that the Capitol loves beautiful things. I wanted to at least warn you.”

You nod to show you remember the conversation, but you’re still confused as to how this involves the president.

“But isn’t this a good thing? Maybe I might even be able to survive if the president wants me to. All those ‘natural disasters’ that game makers can cause and all”

“Yes, it’s very likely you won’t be impacted by that in the game. I especially wanted to tell you that alone, because I feel Namjoon would be too short sighted and threatened by any idea of favoritism, to see the long term benefits of keeping a protected tribute in his alliance.”

You nod again.

“Is that all?”

“No.”

Finnick pauses.

His intended break slowly extends into an uncomfortable silence. You want to ask him what he’s trying to say but you can tell he’s struggling to find the words, so you remain quiet and let him think.

“If you win, you don’t just survive the games and retire in peace in the victor’s village.” He eventually begins. “You have to keep coming back; for the victor’s parade, as a mentor, for visits to the Capitol for all your adoring fans”

“I… I could do that,” you respond, but the pained look in Finnick’s eyes tells you that there is more.

“But you don’t deserve to have to.”

It’s a strange moment to watch your mentor, the person you trust to be strong, the survivor of these games, appearing vulnerable before your eyes. The six foot one man in front of you is suddenly just another teenager, around the same age as you.

“As a tribute, what I wish more than anything my mentor had warned me about, wasn’t what was inside of the arena, but what awaited outside. I can forgive you for being preoccupied and not noticing but I haven’t been spending any of these nights in my own bed since we’ve been here and that’s not by my own choice”

“Why?” you whisper, although a sickening sensation in your gut tells you, you can imagine the reason why.

“The Capitol loves beautiful things.”

You don’t know what to say. There’s nothing you ever could say to express your sympathy for his situation. You’re torn between wishing to offer comfort that you cannot, and a newly awakened fear that this could be what awaits you should you somehow make it out alive.

“I wish I could say that you are too young to hear this, but I needed to hear it at fourteen, and I have spent every day since winning those games regretting the fact that I did. There are fates in life that are much worse than death. By all means fight to protect yourself in that arena, no child or barely legal adult deserves a painful death, but if an opportunity presents itself to go in peace, seize it, or else you will spend every waking moment of your life outside in regret.”

#yandere #yandere bts #yandere hoseok #yandere bts fic #yandere jung hoseok #bts x reader #dark bts #dark bts au #y!hoseok #hoseok fic #hoseok x reader #hoseok au #dark jhope #HUNGER GAMES AU

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