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nopefer-art-tu · 1 year

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OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE I ALMOST MISSED POSTING ABT BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN'S ANNIVERSARY???? im gonna get mushy here so if yall wanna skip this go for it i wont hold it against you lol but this movie means a lot to me (if u cant tell) and id just kinda like to share a little bit abt why

I remember when I first saw Brokeback, I'd been either a junior or senior in high school, and I had watched it with my ex. I literally have no clue how we got to watching it or who proposed we watch it in the first place, but I remember that even back then I had been incredibly moved by the story.

Cut to 5-6 years later, and in January of this year I'd been in the midst of a really, super dark depression thanks to some health issues that I've been dealing w for awhile now. It made it so that on top of COVID, I wasn't rly getting out of the house for anything but school, and even then doing that took a really big toll on my anxiety. So basically, from the time that the 2021 winter semester had ended for me in early December, to when school started back up again for the spring in late January, I hadn't left the house at all.

In mid January, like a week before school started back up for me, I was scrolling through Hulu, bored out of my mind and also trying to find something to occupy my time and thoughts w bc I'd been going stir crazy, and I saw that Brokeback had been listed again. I kinda lingered on it because I remember phil (@/senditothemoonn) had watched it like a month or two before and she had started talking abt it in our group chat and posting quotes abt it and stuff, and it had been awhile since I'd seen it so I was like hey! What the hell! Lets give it a watch, its time I watch it again anyways.

And like. Something happened to the world for me after that viewing. It was like it had blown apart, and when it came back together it was completelty rearranged for me.

I'm not entirely sure why that time around the movie has such a deep, DEEP impact on me when I had seen it before, and had been very touched by it back then. I think its partly that a. I never used to watch movies with subtitles, and so before I realized that I probably have issues with the way my mind processes sound, a lot of movie dialogue just kinda. Didn't get internalized by me for some reason? Even now when I rewatch old faves that I haven't seen with subtitles, I'm always astounded by what the hell theyre saying because I had never rly picked up on it before, lol.

And like...I mean if you've seen the movie then you already know this, but their accents and dialect are kinda hard to get through. ESPECIALLY when it comes to Heath as Ennis. Which isn't in any way a jab at him, I think every part of his performance is super thoughtful and well-crafted and every acting choice he makes serves the character in only positive ways. But when you already have issues processing audio, and when you have a character who's jaw is perpetually cleched so tight that the words literally have to "fight" their way out of his mouth, its just like. Not the best combination lol.

And so this time around when I saw the movie, I saw it with subtitles and it opened up a new dimension of the film to me. Honest to God, the first time I watched the movie, I had no idea that the shirts at the end were so signifigant because Jack had stolen Ennis'. I guess the first time I saw it, I didn't catch the part where Ennis talks about having left his damn shirt up there, and Jack just kinda shrugs it off and changes the subject. When I saw that moment this time, it didn't really strike me as anything important until the movie got to the end and you realize that Jack had kept the shirts all those long 20 years and UGH. I literally remember screaming with tears in my eyes, thats what happened to the shirt! There they are! And then when I saw that Ennis had put his shirt over Jack's to hang together on his closet door for the rest of his life? Dead. Dead, I was literally stabbed in the heart 50 million times and killed dead. I'd never made those connections before and now that I had I like. got it, yanno? I got why this was an oscar winner, and why people were sk devastated by its best picture loss. Not that I hadn't before, but it just hit so much harder.

So yeah, the subtitles probably had a lot to do w why its stayed lingering in my mind for a long while, but I also think its because in a few ways it kind of spoke to me and made me think about my health issues and the self-imposed quarantine that I'd put myself through for the better part of a year at that point.

To me, the whole story is about regret, about not taking the chances we have while we have them and having to learn to live with knowledge of the things we didn't let ourselves do and the memories we didn't let ourselves make.

I hadn't seen a lot of my family for awhile at that point because I just didn't want to be out of my house, and its only been recently that I realized how much life I've missed out on living for a good year and a half-ish or so. And like yeah, I have a reason, my health issues and super aggressive anxiety have kinda put me through the ringer. But I dunno like. I kind of empathized and related to Ennis' character in a really odd way, because he also let his fear control what he did and especially what he did not do, and for that, he ended up living a half-life and missed his chance of getting to spend his time with the person he loved the most.

For me, the fear of regret is one of my biggest motivators in doing literally anything. I've realized I don't want to end up like Ennis, isolating myself from my loved ones and missing out on the chance for love and life because of some issues I have. And I mean its not like they're not real issues. Just like the fears that motivated Ennis' actions, theyre very real concerns. But since seeing the movie, I've been a lot more proactive about seeing doctors and trying to get this shit fixed up, because I don't want to end up wasting my life away. I wanna find my Jack, and I wanna be happy, and I wanna live.

Anyways. Happy 17th birthday to my favorite movie in the world <3

#brokeback mountain #still brokeback posting

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whatiwillsay · 3 years

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Hi! I'm the anon from @/swiftiesleuth. How much of 1989 is about Dianna Agron?

ok it’s been a weird couple weeks for gaylors so let’s go ahead and do this

1989 Is About Dianna Agron - A Compilation of Receipts:

Part 1 - People in The Know. This tv writer claim 1989 is about Dianna:

Carina MacKenzie wrote for The Originals:

a guy named Michael Trevino was a regular on the vampire diaries but was also on a few episodes of The Originals. He dated Glee cast member Jenna Ushkowitz. Not only that but he was at Dianna’s 26th birthday party (I know he’s saying hbd to jenna but it’s because her birthday is actually on the 28th of April, which is the day dianna hosted her big party (where they probably celebrated dianna, jenna, and harry (whose birthday is also on April 28)

anyway as you all probably know (but if you haven’t check out this part of my swiftgron masterpost over @swiftgronmasterpost) Taylor was at dianna’s 26th birthday party and even performed songs for her in the midst of swiftgron’s most active period.

do we know for sure if Micheal was the person who told Carina that swiftgron was a thing? no. but he did date jenna for three years and supposedly was good friends with dianna. it’s possible he was in the know and tipped carina off when he worked with her.

now onto a few song receipts

I Wish You Would

Taylor claims this is a song about an ex driving past her house after they’ve moved to a house close to her. She wrote it while she was on the Red Tour and it was recorded in 2013.

People assume it’s about Harry like most of 1989 but there’s just one problem. Harry didn’t move to LA until spring 2014, when taylor had moved to nyc and the track was recorded in 2013 so how could it be about him driving past her house?

On the other hand, Dianna moved in LA during the summer of 2013:

Green Eyes - there is debate over Dianna’s eye color sometimes, some people claim they’re hazel. Green eyes are mentioned again and again on 1989 and it’s true that Harry does have green eyes but it’s also 100% true that Dianna does as well. A few receipts on that are as follows. Her character on glee, Quinn, canonically has green eyes:

there’s a famous scene where Rachel tells finn to get Quinn flowers with a green ribbon to match her green eyes:

at one point quinn gets a fake ID and the license has green eyes on it:

and Dianna herself gave her own bitmoji green eyes:

sometimes her eyes may appear hazel, sometimes green, but it’s fair to say that dianna identifies as a green-eyed person (and as someone with green-ish/hazel eyes i get it, i like my eyes to be seen as green to me that’s prettier than hazel)

Style

“Ok Cam I hear you on some songs but there’s no way Style isn’t about Harry right? His last name is Styles!!!” I hear you exclaim incredulously.

and to that i say NO!

@all-my-possessions breaks this down a lot further but there is an idea that based on the timing of the writing of the song taylor was actually inspired by seeing Dianna dressed up as james dean in InStyle magazine in the UK in early 2014 to write style.

read their “rebel with a clue” post here but it boils down to this picture dianna posted:

the caption is “rebel without a clue” which is a reference to “rebel without a cause” a famous james dean movie. Dianna seems to be saying this photo was inspired by a picture/styling of james dean such as this:

Dianna was featured like this in the February issue of InStyle UK and we know Taylor was in the UK when that issue came out.

she wrote Style shortly after and it’s thought that the “james dean” bit was inspired by dianna’s styling and the name was inspired by the fact that she was in a magazine literally called “instyle”

I Know Places

Gonna keep it brief here but harry and taylor never hid anywhere. they did blatant pap walks and even went to time square to kiss at midnight on new years. it does not get more obvious and public than that. dianna and taylor on the other hand were pretty private.

and the coup de grâce, ofc, is

Wonderland

Sure hetlors can try to claim harry has green eyes and grew up chessire but...

from my swiftgron masterpost: Dianna’s favorite book of all time is Alice in Wonderland. She brought it up in interviews all the time, tweeted about it, auctioned off a signed copy of it for charity, her private Tumblr and instagram account are called whosirmesir which is a reference to it, her private Tumblr is filled with reblogs about Alice, and her public Tumblr was called fell down the rabbit hole.

I have a little joke that for a while dianna didn’t have a personality she just had alice in wonderland. it is so quintessentially her.

here’s a smattering of receipts on that:

girl even had a tattoo with a quote from the book:

as i said her tumblr was called fell down the rabbit hole which is nearly a lyric from the fucking song:

her finsta name and private tumblr name is “whosirmesir” which is a reference to alice:

honestly, she never shuts the fuck up about alice in wonderland. so yeah i think she has a much better claim to the song than harry.

and lastly, harry and taylor supposedly dated for 2 months from early November 2012 to the very beginning of January 2013. do you really think taylor is singing all these songs about a relationship that lasted 8-9 weeks?

no. 1989 is about dianna agron and i will not be taking feedback.

i think a couple songs (yail and wildest dreams) are about karlie, and a few more (wtny, nr, bad blood, blank space, and shake it off) are about non-romantic situations but the love story told within the album is 100% about dianna agron.

#1989 is about dianna agron #1989 masterpost #swiftgron #gaylor swift #Anonymous

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doof-doofblog · 3 years

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"So Are You!"

Tuesday 5th January 2021

Hello again everyone! Well, we're back in lockdown, I hope you're all keeping safe and looking after yourselves. This has got to come to end at some point right? Considering that the UK has been put into another lockdown, for those of you who are wondering, EastEnders have confirmed that they will still be carry on filming with plenty more social distancing policies in place. I'm very pleased to hear this news, I felt it was hard when EastEnders had to go off air, I was so thrilled when it returned to our screens. Also it doesn't even phase me that the episodes only last 20 minutes, I know it might be annoying some of you guys, but it doesn't matter how long an episode lasts, we're still getting our daily Easties fix!

Now about last night's episode, there's quite a bit to cover, there were quite a few moments I got completely confused, but by the end it all made sense! I'll explain more of that a little later, but first lets focus on Kush and the Slater family. Poor Stacey is completely beside herself, fearing the worst that Kush has kidnapped her son and taken him to Dubai! Kush is still in hope that Whitney will help with the funds he needs to get away, only when she turns up empty handed and refusing to help with his plan, he can see his chances to get away have slumped! Whitney tells him some pretty hard hitting truths, regardless whether he thinks he's doing the right thing for Arthur, Whitney tells him that his actions could force Arthur to hate him, taking him away from his Mum and family, this fact seems to really play on Kush's mind. Back on the Square Stacey and Martin are contemplating calling the police, stating the fact that Kush hasn't left them any choice, only just before they're able to dial, a taxi pulls up and little Arthur is seen getting out. Stacey is overcome with relief as she rushes to her little boy and scoops him up in her arms. Kat really isn't best impressed as she approaches her boyfriend and gives him a huge slap around the face! Regardless of emotions being so high, Ruby is there with a really smug looking face watching everything unfold in front of her! Once inside, Kat lays into Kush about his actions, it's quite hard really because I feel for them both, even though Kush did have it coming! I feel, if Kush hadn't started his gambling addiction, he wouldn't be in this awful mess. Kat mentions how she felt safe with him after being lied to so many times by Alfie. It's clear to see she is in deep distress after being lied to again and again, after being betrayed by someone she truly loved and trusted. Even though Kush is apologetic and trying to persuade her that he'll change, she can't seem to find a way back from this announces their relationship is over. What do you think? Will they be able to work it out? Do you like Kat and Kush together?! Later on, when Ruby is at home, Kush knocks on her door and bursts his way in, blaming her for putting the idea in his head an even more so of giving him the money to flee, in an attempt to blackmail her, he announces that he'll be moving in with her and Martin, seeing as he has no where to go, and if Ruby declines, he'll inform Martin about her giving him the money to take Arthur away, from the look of Ruby's face - she simply has no choice but to let him stay!

The second thing I want to focus on, is Sharon! It looks as if she is still wanting to carry on with her plan and poison Ian. After Phil eventually agreed on helping her take down Ian, she visits him hoping to receive more pills to poison him with, but when he gives her such a small amount, she's not impressed. She informs him that it's not enough and that she needs more, but Phil warns her they need to take it slowly, make it look real, and not give him too many in one go. She seems disappointed but leaves with with pills nonetheless. Back at the Vic, she's prepping the pills and adding them to Ian's coffee, only Linda seems to interrupt her and takes her by surprise. Linda appears with little Ollie as she comes to visit her friend and comes to seek some advice after getting things back on track with Mick, as they begin their catch up, Linda encourages Ollie to go and play with Albie. Later on and Sharon seems to forget what she was previously doing, and enjoys her chat with Linda, little Ollie comes walks in - I'm assuming he's wanting a drink - as he walks straight up to counter and goes to grab the mug left on the side, the mug which contains Ian's poisoned coffee! Luckily, Sharon notices the little boy's actions before any harm can be done, but because she shouted at him so loudly, she scares the poor boy. Linda seems surprised by actions but she thinks quick and explains that she didn't want Ollie having so much caffeine. Linda seems to shake her friends behaviour off, but it looks as if Sharon can't afford to lose her focus, otherwise an innocent party could be badly hurt.

Lastly, the main focus of this episode was Callum and Jack! Previously, Jack had agreed to help Callum out, regarding DI Thompson. Callum feared that if Thompson was going to reveal everything, he'd lose Ben and his place in the Mitchell family for good. The only person he could turn to and actually trust to help him, was Jack. In this episode, Callum informs Jack that a meeting has been arranged with DI Thompson at Ruby's club, at first it all looks like they have a plan in motion to maybe blackmail Thompson, bullying Callum into doing things he shouldn't be doing etc etc. Callum waits nervously, DI Thompson enters and Callum begins to mention that he has something solid on Phil that he'll be interested in - of course it's just an excuse to keep him there until Jack shows up, however Callum begins to panic and struggles under pressure as Jack fails to turn up. My first thought was - where the hell was Jack? Unfortunately, I don't think that question gets answered. Thompson is clearly getting fed up of Callum and his excuses and makes his exit, leaving Callum in a panic. As he attempts to follow, Jack finally turns up, much to Callum's relief. Jack informs Callum to leave as he'll take it from here - it's then that Jack confronts Thompson with what he's been up to the past couple of months and forcing a junior police officer to do things he shouldn't be doing. To save him getting in any trouble, he urges DI Thompson to take early retirement and leave Phil to him. At this moment, I slightly panicked - it had me questioning as to who's side Jack was actually on?! I was so confused - one minute he was helping Callum, the next, helping Thompson! - WHAT?!

But then Jack found Callum and informed him that everything had been sorted, there was no more reason for him to worry and he could tell the Mitchell's everything. Being the supportive colleague, Jack accompanies Callum to the Mitchell's as they reveal everything about DI Thompson's plan. At first both Ben and Phil are furious to hear that Callum was involved, but they both make them see that everything he did was to protect the Mitchell's, putting his career on the line for them! Ben seems to realise how much Callum has gone through to protect him and proposes going to the pub for a drink. However, as Ben and Callum leave, Phil can't seem to understand why Jack would get involved, he senses that something isn't right and he's after something - it's then that Jack reveals to Phil that Thompson has given him a memory stick containing everything that Phil has done in the past up till present day of his dodgy and petty crimes. Phil sees that Jack will want something from him in return if he wants all this to disappear, but what?!

Meanwhile at the pub, Callum is confessing everything to Ben. Informing him that he just wants to be honest with his boyfriend and most importantly, he'd do anything to protect him - even if it means putting his career on the line! Ben is completely overwhelmed by his boyfriend's actions. It's then that Jay walks in and Callum offers to buy the next round of drinks. As he steps up to the bar, Ben looks lovingly at his boyfriend, to which Jay notices, asking what the look was for, Ben innocently smiles and states clear as day "I'm going to marry that man, Jay!" ......... Oooooh I'm sure you Ballum fans will be going crazy after that line!!! Is this a slight hint that there could be a Ballum wedding on the cards? Here's an interesting question - who would you like to see pop the question? Ben to Callum? or Callum to Ben? - Personally I think if Ben was to pop the question to Callum, it would fit so perfectly!!

The final clip we see is Denise walking through the Square, however unbeknown to her, Lucas is following her from a distance! Can I just say how bloody creepy that was? Clearly Lucas is still has it in for his ex, but why?! Denise really needs to keep on her guard! As she reaches her house, suddenly Jack appears with a huge bouquet of flowers, and admits to Denise that he wants to give them both another try. Even though Denise is touched by his romantic gesture, she questions whether he's accepting of having Phil in her life, literally because of Raymond - it's then that things are made clear. Jack informs her that she doesn't have to worry about Phil as he has sorted it - which basically means that they've made some kind of deal, Jack won't dob him into the police as long as Phil stays away from Denise and Raymond ... That's got to be it, right? Even though Phil may have agreed to this arrangement, I do fear he may find it hard, knowing full well that his son is just on the other side of the Square. Then again, I suppose he could take comfort in knowing that his son is close to home. Who knows? As Jack and Denise close in for a kiss and rekindle their romance, Lucas watches with dark eyes from a distance!! He is so creepy, I am so glad that EastEnders have brought him back, it's going to be so interesting to see what brings Lucas back, Denise had best watch her back!

Overall a great episode, enjoyable and again so much drama! Thank you again for reading, I truly appreciate your time. Please feel free to leave me any messages or comments, I'll always find the time to reply! Thanks again folks! Love you all xXx

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pearlnwade · 4 years

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LEMONADE

I have often considered myself beautiful and attractive; but not on days like this. Welcome to the real-world Olly.

I’d always been excited about NYSC because it was my only way out from my father’s house. I’ll have the opportunity to move to a different state—far from Lagos —and gain a great level of independence. Really, that was all I wanted, and at the beginning, it seemed like a perfect plan.

On the 8th of January 2019, at about 7am, I got what was long coming—the official end of my already dead relationship. If I’m being honest, I’d seen it coming from a mile away. So when it finally happened, I didn’t even know how to react. There was just complete uncertainty and it literally sent chills down my spine. The 8th of January was also the day I was leaving for Abuja, to start my NYSC —the next and exciting chapter in my life. Sadly, the dream of going through this phase of life with a partner to share it all with, was now nothing but shards of a beautiful glass. I got on a plane to Abuja that evening and convinced myself that I was going to be alright, I’m a strong woman after all. But honestly, I wasn’t even close to it. And one thing I was sure of is: no matter how much you try to hide your feelings and lie to everyone that you are okay, YOU JUST CAN’T LIE TO YOURSELF.

The 9th of January 2019 was initially dedicated to rounding up my NYSC registration, but everything took a wrong turn when my phone got stolen. I rushed to the Airtel office to get my sim disabled, but they said that they couldn’t do it unless I swore an affidavit. Can things just get any worse? Yes, it just began.

On the 10th of January 2019, I went to the court to get a sworn affidavit. Before going there, I withdrew 3k, just in case I need to pay for whatever was required. But little did I know it was a wrong move. After I got my affidavit, I followed my friend to Jos — I had planned to do this for a while—I needed somewhere to cool off. You know, blow off some steam. I love Jos for one particular reason: cheap and beautiful nails! It's crazy how affordable it is compared to other parts of Nigeria and I really wanted to do my nail. Like I said, blowing off some steam.

The next morning, I arrived at the salon and of course, I picked the best style. I had N2,200 with me, and the total of my nails cost N2,400. So, I told the nail artist that I had only N2,200 cash that I didn’t want to spend my entire cash at hand. I also made her understand that I’d have transferred to her, but I couldn’t send money because I had no phone. To ease her worry, I told her to hold on to my purse and N2,000 of the total amount I had; I was going to get a keke ride to the ATM to withdraw some cash. When I got to the ATM, I made the request to be dispensed N3,000 and the response was “insufficient funds”. I was confused. I made a second request for N1,000 and it said the same thing. Now, in the midst of strangers I was about to just lose it. I decided to check the total of what was in my account and I saw N4. Wait what! Four naira? It’s a joke right? Everything I felt that day is like a scar in my skin right now, because as I type these words, I feel the rush all over. Anyway, I put myself together and went home. Basically, I had no relationship, no phone and no money—all within 3 days. Wondering if I didn’t pay for those nails? Well, thankfully, I did. My friend helped me pay the rest for the nails. God bless you Emily. My trip back to Abuja that Sunday was a reflective one. And the worst part was I felt that I deserved every single thing that happened to me. Did I?

I indulged in a couple of dates afterwards: to remind or convince myself that I could still be desired by men; anything to find value in an empty space. I was broken, but tried my best to keep working— it’s how I have been programmed to act, since I was a girl. On days like this, I didn’t feel beautiful. I felt stuck, like there was a bottomless pit of lacking that I desperately wanted to fill. I didn’t feel smart and I didn’t trust anyone.

My ex came to Abuja, (we had reconnected a couple weeks before he arrived) so I had my hopes up that things were going to get a lot better. But it didn't. Infact, I had never felt that disrespected in my life, I felt so little and helpless. “Certain things happen for things to get better”- Olly. Hold on to that quote because I sure didn’t. I know that if I did, my emotions would have been more defined to make me stronger not to break me down.

“It’s time to move out of (my ex’s friend’s) house” my ex told me before he left for Lagos. To avoid further humiliations and belittling, and to keep my boss babe rep, I told him that I had a place to stay. But I didn’t. I had no single idea where I was going to stay. That Sunday when he left, I decided that I was going to call a couple people and if push comes to shove, I will rent my own place. The push came to shove and I started pulling funds—from my parents and my brother really. I raised enough money just for the house rent. The cost of ordinary foam to sleep on was yet unaffordable. I was so sad, continuously asking myself if coming to Abuja was the best option for me.

On a special Wednesday, I had to leave the house that I was staying in, after having packed all my things in less than 15 minutes. By exactly 9:56pm, I entered my cab with my luggage, on the move in the middle of the night looking for where I could rest my head. Now, I had a couple options, unfortunately, 99% of them wanted to sleep with me, but my 1% was Diamond. She did a lot for me throughout my early stay in Abuja. She was my go-to girl and of course she had my back on days like this. I stayed with her for about five days but had to leave. I had already spent more than N30,000 in search for a house and I still did not have one. I was frustrated and desperate to find a house and I did. You know that phrase “do not make any decision when you are desperate’, I didn’t follow it. I paid for a bad house that I would have spent more than N200,000 to renovate before even buying my bed. I lost N40,000, and because I was losing so much money and wanted a way out, I lost an additional N120,000. At this point, I still didn’t have a house. What is my next step? I thought. I felt no love and zero trust in anyone. Like no one!

MY LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

People always use the phrase “though trouble lasts all night, joy comes in the morning”. I got a phone call on a very special Sunday night. It was my mum telling me that it only gets better, and I am to move into Justice’s house. What?! For real? Everything since then has been sweet and smooth. The end is pretty amazing. I am still looking for the guy that’ll sweep me off my feet, make me feel safe and loved. I am quite happy; and for the first time in a long time, things are finally working out for me. I am still healing, I mean, it takes time, but I am healing. There are parts of this story that weren't typed in this article, but if you ask me out and buy me a drink after this lockdown, I might consider telling you the juicy, intimate details.

I went through most of this without Jesus; I always forget that He is a constant. He was meant to be my constant not anyone else.

Cheers to happiness.

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healinghurtssometimes · 3 years

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The Cycle (Pt. 1)

I’m not really sure where to start, so I’m going to opt for my current situation and how I got here. This blog isn’t meant for attention, but rather a way for me to get my experiences out in the open. Maybe some people will find this, relate, and somehow become my tribe. Let me tell you, I need good people. If you stick around long enough, I’m certain you’ll quickly start to see that. With that being said, I’m going to start with a very rough outline of the past 14-15 months.

For just a brief back story, I got offered the best paying job I’d ever had in January of 2017. A lot of stuff had happened (which I’ll cover another time) and I would have been stupid not to take the job when it was given to me. After 2 years, I got my Real Estate License since the company required it for all Property Managers, and I got promoted. The problem was that we were used to running our office with 3 Admins - one had been taken to fit a different role months earlier and still hadn’t been replaced, and I was the second one to be moved while the company STILL did not make an attempt to refill those roles until AFTER my promotion was finalized. I got stuck doing my job as an Admin AND my new job as a Property Manager with all training put on hold until those roles were filled, while also being expected to heavily assist in training the new Admins they hired since I had been there longer than the last Admin standing and was damn good at my job.

I then spent months filling multiple roles, being asked to train people coming into the new roles (including another Property Manager when I STILL wasn’t trained), and being asked regularly to go out of my way to do things face-to-face with/for my residents that was not being asked of my peers (many of which took up a substantial amount of time, like delivering portable AC units and having to walk through someone’s whole house with our Field Manager for maintenance complaints that I had no authority over). I BEGGED for help getting the new Admin team to fulfill the tasks I was trying to delegate to them, begged for training, begged for clarity on expectations that were never laid out. I begged for help for 6 months, and was consistently met with “we don’t have the resources,” “we aren’t properly staffed,” “there isn’t time,” etc. I was buried up to my nose from the day I took the position, and not one person agreed to help me dig myself out of the dirt. Instead, they buried me and then fired me for not being able to fulfill the role to their expectations (while the other two Property Managers weren’t expected to do ANY of the extra stuff they’d put on me to deal with). That was early September 2019. I filed for unemployment, and my now-former supervisor dug up information from my role as an Admin that had been approved by the District Manager at the time until they both got in trouble for letting me slightly stagger my schedule to make sure I could take care of my kids and be able to pay my rent after a HUGE change in the custody and child support of my children (a situation I’ll cover at another time). I didn’t get the notice letter for the unemployment appeal meeting until after it had taken place, about a week before Christmas, at which point I was VERY depressed, stressed, and couldn’t begin to fathom taking on a multi-million dollar company on my own. I now owe the state almost $900 in “overpaid unemployment benefits” that I have yet to be able to pay back.

I spent the next few months trying to find another job. Hoping to find something still in the world of Property Management, even if it wasn’t the same role or anywhere near the same pay or if it didn’t come with the same benefits. The company I worked for is well-known and very disliked by the ENTIRE property management community in the area I lived in at the time. They’re a very young company that is buying up houses left and right and helping make rent prices SOAR for those that aren’t able to buy a house (or just like renting instead of owning the home they live in for whatever reason) - they make it their goal year over year to increase renewal rates as much as they can get away with, knowing many people won’t do the research, question their numbers, or walk away from their house...they’ll just pay the rent increase and keep moving through their complaints of how high their rent is for the lack of improvements the company makes and their poor excuse of a maintenance department that’s directed to penny-and-dime every vendor and look for any reason the resident could possibly be held responsible for higher priced maintenance items. They’re in 20 different states and their maintenance department for their entire operation runs out of ONE state with a local “liaison” at each office that’s function is only for vacant homes. Hopefully they’ve changed some of this in the past year, but I don’t have any reason to believe they would have made things better for anything outside of their own bottom line. I won’t use their name because I don’t want to get sued, but if you know, you know.

I had to take the name of the company off of my resume, replaced with the word “Confidential,” in order to start getting call backs for interviews with other property management companies...all of which ended up being for apartment complexes where I was used to single-family and the two worlds are vastly different from one another. I had ONE company that actually offered me a job sometime around October/November 2019, and it turned out to be an absolutely awful situation to be in. They lied about what they offered for health insurance in my interview, treated their residents like garbage, their property manager played favorites and treated other staff like they were incompetent toddlers, leasing staff and maintenance weren’t allowed to communicate with each other outside of breaks and absolute emergencies, and operated with a LOT of drama. One situation got brought into our leasing office (while open to the public) where their outsourced IT guy and management proceeded to yell at each other in the lobby, calling each other things like “fucking liars” and just generally making a big scene, which made me incredibly uncomfortable to be around. I was already dealing with not having my much-needed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications, and the way this company was operated was making my already spiraling mental health WORSE. So after a few weeks, I left knowing that they were not a good fit for me nor I for what they apparently needed. I applied for literally hundreds of jobs, got a few interviews, and never got offered another position.

All this time, I’m just trying to figure out how I’m going to pay my rent (my now ex-boyfriend’s parents were paying our $1500 monthly rent and all of our utilities at this point so we wouldn’t get evicted with my kids), how I’m going to pay my phone bill or my car payment, dealing with being uninsured and ashamed of the situation I was in, debt piling up all around me with no way out of it, no health insurance, battling withdrawal from my heavy dosage of SSRI drugs. I know I haven’t talked much about them here, but all of this was really starting to affect my children - who were only 5 & 7 at the time - which was really making the entire situation SO MUCH WORSE to deal with. I was self medicating with marijuana and was high 98% of the time, or in the process of getting high. While weed by itself is not an addictive drug, I developed a dependency on it like I had come to depend on my mental health medications, because it was numbing the reality of the situation I was in and helping keep me somewhat functional and kept me from falling deeper into the darkness as my world crumbled around me.

At the end of January, I finally decided that I couldn’t justify staying in the place I’d lived my whole life anymore. I had lost my job, all of my income, my health insurance...I was on the brink of losing my car, my relationship was failing due to financial strain (though I was also done with the relationship beforehand and started cheating on him before I lost my job anyway and was really only with him at that point for convenience...not a moment I’m proud of by any means), I wasn’t able to support myself or my kids and was no longer able to hide the situation from them for what it was. The only thing I was able to protect them from was KNOWING I was always high, which I’m sure from my own experience with my parents, they’ll end up figuring out when they’re older and weed is legal across the board. So I started thinking “what’s next, how do I change this situation?”

By January 2020, I’d been back in contact with an old high school boyfriend for a number of months. Not only was he an old boyfriend, but he was also one of my best friends in the whole world. I trusted him with every fiber of my being, he is the only soul that knows me the way he does, and he has stuck by my side through all of the mud trudging I’ve gone through since I was 15 other than our own disastrously messy breakup. He was roughly 400 miles away from my hometown, and was the only viable option for me to ask for help in the form of a roof to look for work and try to get myself back up on my feet. So I took my kids to their dad (who is a very petty and ugly human) because he is/was at least financially stable, packed a few things, and went looking for work 400 miles away. 3 days in, I was offered a menial serving job...but hey, working on 6 months of no consistent job or income, it was better than what I was working with back home. I started that job the end of February. For anyone that’s been alive this year, you know what’s coming next...4 weeks later, the restaurant was shut down for COVID lockdowns, and I immediately started looking for another job to take on once those shutdowns were lifted. So now, I’m 400 miles away from my kids and my family, and I’m also unemployed.

I thought I found one doing leasing with an apartment complex. I got the job offer, the offer letter, was working on finalizing a start date even though some of their requirements were ridiculous (like not being able to how any semblance of a tattoo or piercing not in your ear and only being able to wear black and white on the job). Then I asked what they were doing to protect their employees, residents, and potential residents from COVID. I lost that opportunity for asking questions, because they were the ONLY complex locally that was not observing any pandemic-related precautions, and had referred to a colleague as a “titty baby” for simply asking them to step up their game by providing hand sanitizer and a thermometer for their offices. I opted not to go back to serving over precautions for COVID so I could still go home and see my kids again at my dad’s house, as my step-mom was dealing the return of her Breast Cancer after nearly 2 years in remission and no way of getting treatment until the doctors decided it was safe again for her to be in a hospital or cancer treatment center.

Realizing now that I’ve only gotten to sometime around April/May, I’m going to leave this post for now and come back for a Part 2. If you’re still reading this and are planning on returning for the next installment, thank you for taking this journey with me as I lay my life out one piece at a time in the hopes of healing.

#depression #depressionawareness #anxiety #self healing #mental health #mental health awareness #unemployment #unemployment through COVID #healing

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foggedgrief · 4 years

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so noemi and nicky were in part one but this is part two and y’all are going to get the loves of my life, poppy finnegan ( click here to find some quick facts about my boy ) and sebastian lazzaro ( click here to find some quick facts about my girl ) ! wanted connections can be found here.

be warned ! before you click that handy dandy little read more, the following triggers will be discussed : death ( multiple deaths due to the fog, not explicit : poppy ), divorce ( not traumatic, amenable divorce : laz ) !

writing letters to your mother even though she’ll never read them, praying for forgiveness when you press flowers between pages when you play god with life and death, staring at the fog from your perch on your window sill wondering what it might be like to stay for a while, the ever dawning realization that you are less than you could be but more than you were, the desire to wear masks more interesting than your own ( what would your mother say that you wish to be someone other than your own self ? )

penelope jean finnegan is the eldest child of the finnegan family and is like a de facto rory gilmore with just how often she’s seen around town and i mean that in the best kind of way.

it’s mostly thanks to her mama, the late dottie finnegan. if you only knew one person in town, it was probably dottie. she owned the mad batter, has made almost every confectionary sold at the school’s bake sake, has made every birthday cake for most people in town since she was fourteen, and just radiated the best kind of mom energy that you would look for in another person.

poppy was relatively popular in high school and was an active member of the thespian troupe. she won a superior and second place in the state level thespian competition in costume design and she’s been designing and sewing her own clothes since then. she also worked at the bakery from the time she was sixteen until she went off to college and was prom queen her senior year.

also in high school, poppy and her parents converted one of the rooms in the house into an artistically inviting space and sometimes poppy treated it more like her bedroom than her actual bedroom when she was in school. while dottie expressed most of her art through paints, sketches, and cakes, poppy has always had a desire to design her own clothes and make them. she does take commissions around prom season for a little extra pocket money and opens her etsy store as early as january and runs through june for prom and graduation.

she met her now boyfriend ( ex ? maybe ! ) in college and dual majored in two business degrees, one in entrepreneurship and one in marketing. she did so with the explicit of interest in going back to her family business and expanding it into a franchise across the state and eventually into a generational empire of baked goods and love.

for legal reasons that’s mostly a joke but with her degrees and moving back to town, though, she did begin cultivating their social media presence and started nationally shipping orders about two years ago. the company has a large following, especially on tiktok, where poppy maintains her own account, the mad batter’s, and the finnefam account for the finnegan family. they are those people.

poppy was always especially close to her mother and the loss of dottie has been horrifically detrimental to her stability and the additional loss of one of her best friends, max, only sent a downward turn into a spiral. all she wants is for the world to straighten out again but she doesn’t really even know what that means.

when poppy came home from college, her arm was linked with marcus’ and they moved into the one bedroom mother in law apartment behind the family’s home. it’s cute as fuck and dottie helped her design it but it’s suffocatingly familiar with all of these losses that she’s found herself staying in her childhood bedroom instead of with marcus. ser maxibald, their corgi, is staying with marcus.

when she took the job at the tower, it was under the excuse of wanting to make sure that august stayed safe. and maybe one day she’ll believe her own lie but if she had to choose between sitting up in a tower amongst the fog that took her mother and going to work at the bakery like her mother did every day for as long as she could remember... well the forest starts to look good after a while.

literally will fight anyone, including the fog, for the safety of her siblings and father. is 10/10 taking her anger, frustration, and sadness out on her father and boyfriend and honestly that’s not healthy and she knows it but we all do strange things in the fog of grief.

the desperate feeling that sits on your chest when you feel the need to drown out the silence, the walk of shame when you have to collect your bowls and dishes from your room and bring them to the kitchen, happier days filled with love and laughter polluted by sixty hour work weeks and fifty too many missed recitals, appointments, holidays, vibrant dreams of better days and waking up alone, still reaching to fidget with a ring that isn’t there anymore.

sebastian isaac lazzaro, known as bash by his family, laz by everyone else in the world, grew up in pine haven and had that all american kind of boy small towns love to publish articles about when they get into a major state school on a scholarship for their athletic prowess and talk about that one time they rescued a cat from a tree.

his sport was soccer and he got a full ride to umaine for it. he pursued a bachelor’s degree in criminal justice and law. he went to law school and spent a few years at a practice in massachusetts before deciding to apply to the fbi. your man passed through training with flying colors and was assigned to his first choice, the behavioral analysis unit.

laz married the sister of one of his closest friends in high school, rory finnegan. they didn’t start dating until they were at university of maine together and he was absolutely head over heels for her. she showed up a year later and it felt like a better time than any to ask her out properly without the prying eyes of the town trying to figure out what their relationship was and if it was more than friendly.

they were married for about twelve years and dated for another five on top of that. they were married about a year after she graduated from college and divorced a little over a year ago. though their divorce didn’t end back of a lack of love, laz didn’t know how to appropriately prioritize his family over his work and watched the best people in his life slip through his fingers.

they did have a daughter, sophia. she’s twelve now. she was named after laz’s mother and she’s the light of his life. when his wife first served him with papers, he agreed that she should take primary custody of sophia because of the unpredictable nature of his schedule and a desire to devote himself to a schedule he wouldn’t fuck up. he bought them a house in pine haven so his wife could be close to her brother and sophia be close to her cousins. the town isn’t the safest because of the fog but he knew that crime wasn’t going to be an issue.

he’s incredibly consistent with his support payments and adheres almost rigidly to the custody agreement. now that he’s back in town because of the disappearances, though, things a little awkward. they haven’t had to see each other for this long before and laz is conflicted on how to approach something very obvious to him and his team: his love for his wife and the fact that every time he leaves pine haven, he leaves his heart behind too.

but on to lighter notes: murder. laz hunts down serial killers for a living and helps construct the profiles that bring them to justice. it was in his office that he got the notification of death for his former sister in law, dorothy finnegan. laz had to leave the room when he saw her face among the missing and returned a few minutes later to tell the team to get together and they were flying out the same day. he didn’t really tell anyone he was coming back to town and has been here for two weeks. the last time he was in town was for whatever the most recent major holiday was because he spends his holidays with the finnegans, usually.

over all good man. gives good hugs but not as good as nicky. 7.5 / 10.

#pine haven intro #‹ ✦ ˚ poppy: headcanon. this is not a cohesive girl but one of patchwork pieces and multicolored thread. ›#‹ ✦ ˚ laz: headcanon. one day he will learn what it means to take a step back and breathe. ›#death tw #divorce tw

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flockofdoves · 4 years

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ok so i’m trying to do math surrounding olivers background just because the conclusions the wiki made about dates vs the statements vague timeline info on this were confusing me and i just wanted to have fun seeing if graham folger really could potentially have been oliver banks’s boyfriend (i’m sure there were plenty of gay people named graham in the uk in the early mid 2000s but. i’m having fun)

ok so oliver in march of 2015 says

“I’ve lived in London for almost a decade now. I came here to do my undergraduate degree at the London School of Economics. I ended up taking a position with Barclays shortly after graduating and did well enough there. It didn’t last long, though; I barely made it through a full year before the stress of my new job, not to mention some problems in my personal life, led to me having a full nervous breakdown. I’d broken up with Graham, my boyfriend of six years and had to leave the home we shared, going to stay with some of the few friends that had survived my year of stress-fuelled outbursts and constantly cancelled plans. It was there, sleeping on my friend Anahita’s sofa, in the depths of my misery, that I first started to have the dreams.”

and then for graham folger, amy patel says she probably first met graham in september of 2005 at birkbeck university in london, and as of 4 months later (so like january 2006?) she had been in his apartment and started watching him (and he wasn’t living with anyone). and then he was replaced by not!graham april of 2006

so we can extrapolate from the quote above oliver roughly came to london in 2005

if he had been at the london school of economics a full 4 years then that breakdown wouldn’t have been til like 2010 (which i guess doesnt actually rule out graham being his boyfriend just that it would’ve been not!graham for half of it and not!graham would’ve been who he lived with. which sounds horrifying but alsoif that were the case, sounds like a reasonable factor in olivers never elaborated on breakdown)

but then scratch that because later in episode 11 oliver says “These dreams have been a regular part of my sleeping for about eight years now” which entails his breakdown was in 2007, although in episode 121 in february of 2018 he says “It’s been almost 10 years since I first started dreaming about the deaths of others.” the “almost” instead of a word like “about” or w/e makes it maybe like 2008 is more likely

which first off probably means he transferred to the london school of economics to finish his undergrad degree or he just Really loaded up on credits (which would be interesting for characterization tbh?)

secondly that means he broke up with/moved out of his boyfriends house sometime in the year before that breakdown so like 2006-2008

so theres the tiniest chance if oliver moved out of his exes place very early in january 2006 or if he was just speaking pretty imprecisely about years that graham folger was his boyfriend, but all things add up to it seeming pretty unlikely. but also other timeline things partially from episode 11 constantly confuse me with regard to the timeline of gertrudes death so like. maybe i shouldn’t take this all so seriously lol. either way i’m having fun!

also though if they were together that probably would entail oliver is older than i initially thought of him as but would be interesting bc theres nothing really said about olivers age directly. saying that because between graham folger being a teen in the late 80s and amy patel who has a job that requires a bachelors degree already whos going back to take classes for fun thinking based off appearance graham was maybe 10ish years older than her hes somewhere in his 30s in 2006 probably. and thatd just be weird if oliver was traditional just graduated college age and in a relationship w him for 6 years before. oliver being a nontraditional student could be interesting though i think for characterization and also to explain why he was at university in london for such a short time maybe he had previous credits somewhere else and took a break

literally none of this matters i just love oliver and wanted to try seeing how i could flesh out his life lol

#cpost #long post -#tma blogging #great uses of an evening..#tma spoilers -

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soldierallen · 5 years

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Married. 11

(Ya'll gonna beat my ass and I'm really sorry a lot has been going on please forgive me- also I don't know why the link says my name sorry about it.)

Featuring: Sebastian Stan, Henry Cavill, Chris Evans, Anthony Mackie, Chase Crawford, Morena Baccarin.

Part 10:

Pam

Henry had a secret, a big one. He knew some day she would find out but he didn't think twice that it would happen this early in their relationship.

I stare at these people as they talk my mind drifts every so often, once and a while a hand will squeeze my thigh and give me a look of calm, it's Henry.

God what would I do without Henry as I stare blankly at this all goody two shoed family in front of me who has no clue I did cocaine once on a guys back at a party, or that I've slept with so many people I'm lucky I didn't catch anything, all they know is that I'm their daugther who moved to the city to pursue her dream in journalism.

Henry knows, Henry knows everything he always did, However that question always pops into my dumb fucking brain... what about sebastian? Does he still think about me like I think about him? those thoughts flood my mind constantly what if I chose sebastian.. he will never not cross my mind and I hate it. I said I'm not in love with sebastian and I meant it.... right?

I hated doubting Henry but for some reason it just didn't feel right, he didn't feel right to me maybe I picked the wrong man again.

Henry slipped his hand underneath my dress inching closer to my underwear band which got my attention "well I think it's time me and Henry head home lot's of w-work to be done" his warm hand slipped closer and closer until she stood up he laughed to himself, he watched her saying goodbye to her family Henry shook the hands of her father her uncle and worthless brother

Her shity brother pulled her in for a hug with a whisper in her ear "you're kidding right? I know you don't love this guy be real for once in your life" he pulled away and she gave him a dirty look, he smiled devilishly walking away

she closed the door behind her as she pulled her suitcase out of the house as soon as that door closed she let out a nice grunt in frustration making Henry laugh kissing her lips so lightly his hand on her back he pulled away

"Henry we're having Christmas at your house this year" she smiled at him as he took both of their bags into the car it was snowing of course "you know I've always wanted to decorate and build a Christmas tree" he closed the trunk "why haven't you done it before?" She got into the passenger seat "Seemed stupid to do it alone" .

they were off back to the big city

it was almost 10pm

"Okay don't be mad at me but you are jobless so I opened that letter for you.." Henry said she was surprised that he even found it, "and?" She awaited for his reply as he stopped at a red light, "darling" she nodded her head "I knew it, I knew I wasn't going to get that stupid job" she looked out the window upset, "I'm sorry" he said lowly his hand on her thigh she just looked at it, unamused.

"I know whatever you set your mind to you will do amazing at it" he tried to cheer her up but she was stubborn, her stubbornness always overlooked everything else. He looked at her from the side of his eye as the light turned green, he hated seeing her sad he tried to loosen up however his side eyed stare was intense he wanted to know what she was thinking.

"Penny for your thoughts?" He smiled as he lit a cigarette next to her, she pushed back all her hair from her face

"seb that guy I've been -" she didn't want to say the word so he handed her a penny that was in his back pocket "fucking?" She nodded "yeah that, I like him but I'm kinda scared to - go for it you know?"

"I know what you mean, take a RISK darling if it goes south we'll deal with it" he stood up from the ledge of the fountain "I thought you QUIT?" she yelled "this is my reward for the last year of no smoking I needed one, thing's are rough this fine afternoon." She rolled her eyes and he walked away

She fell asleep in the car he every so often looked at her sleeping peacefully, When a text popped up onto his phone as he parked.

call me I have bad news. Chris E.

His heart picked up pace as he read it feeling his nerves settle in, he pressed call under Chris's contact

"What's going on" Henry pulled his keys out of the ignition opening his car door going to the trunk of his car

"Henry the kid, he's almost born and you haven't even mentioned it to y/n? Henry for God sakes this file goes in January you have to tell her" did I mention Chris is a lawyer?

"Chris she's all bent out of shape theres no fucking way I could tell her she's literally in shambles! I cannot spring this on her and I don't even know if the kid is mines alright." Henry said, however Henry knew deep down it was his kid he just wasn't prepared for it, Henry had kept this secret for months without letting y/n know he knew he would get an ear beating if she knew and now y/n's his girlfriend it just got worse.

Morena was an ex girlfriend of Henry's they met in college and never really lost connection until two years ago, and when she came back they started things up again and she broke his heart, this continued for months because the two would have sex frequently they just couldn't let each other go. Until a few months ago when morena had came out to tell Henry she was pregnant and Henry was the father, he couldn't face that not right now.. January is the due date and time is running out

"You have to tell her! You can't keep this secret the only reason I know is because she filed a lawsuit against you" he said warning Henry

"Well I can't have her find out right now" he pulled the suitcases from out of the trunk walking up the cobblestones into his home

"Henry's if it yours, you have to take responsibility you know that" Chris said as he sat at his desk looking at the file of morena's in front of his face as he clicked a pen a few times, it was Henry's he knew something in the back of his mind however he would never say that to him, Henry's not ready for that.

"I'll tell her after Christmas alright stop yanking my tail" he looked at y/n asleep still in the car as he went back to the cars trunk

"Do you want to lose her?" Chris said

"Of course not I finally got her" he said getting the last bag out of the trunk into his house, a huff came out on the other line

"Tell her now, don't wait anymore"

"I'll call you tomorrow" Henry said and they hung up, he scratched his head rubbing his face, and finally he crouched down his elbows on his knees and his mind racing like crazy he bowed his head putting his hands over the back of his neck

"Shit shit, how am gonna do this? I can't keep this from her" he whispered to himself he tried calming his breathing as he stood up "I'm so fucked"

he shook it off proceeding back to the car to get the women into the bedroom, he opened her door her body slumped & covered, her warm skin against his cold hands her head falling loosely into the nuk of shoulder he smiled down at her, I'm gonna lose her, she's not ready for this- hell I'm not ready for this.

He was distraught as he laid her in the bed removing her shoes socks taking his jacket off of her covering her with a blanket, he went into the bedroom's linked bathroom and brushed his teeth as he looked at himself in the mirror his eyes felt heavy he wanted nothing more than to sleep next to her, he was scared to the thought of losing her to a women he didn't love to a child he didn't want not with morena anyways.

He put his toothbrush back into it's holder washing his face, he grabbed a towel wiping his face in the mirror he hated feeling so much guilt. He laid down next to her his thumb caressing the back of her hand "I'm so sorry" he felt like he failed her - it's like he's living a double life a life he doesn't even know she's gonna leave me he thought maybe she'll finally be with who she wanted this entire time.

Sebastian.

The loud noises of machines ringing and people yelling cigar smoke in people's noses, a casino that's where he is, he threw dice he played slot machines, he did it all, but something was missing - her.

The void of not having her around was killing him slowly,

"Altantic city what the hell are we doing here?" She looked at the big green sign passing her above their heads, sebastian cracked a smile his sunglasses on

"Your shitty ex boyfriend is an asshole we need to have some fun" she looked at him with a funny look on her face "what" he asked "you're a fucking idiot" she laughed

"What again?" He said loudly this time "why is this going to make me feel better, two single twenty one year olds going to Atlantic city huh doesn't sound too exciting when were BROKE" she yelled he laughed hysterically "stan what the hell are you on" she asked

"LIVE A LITTLE FEEL SOMETHING" he said she nodded her head in disapproval "doll it's going to be fun trust me"

that night sebastian won over 1,000 dollars and they split it she loved him for that, almost fresh out of college with almost no money getting handed 500 dollars is a big deal.

he lost his best friend in the span of two weeks it was over Henry had won, but he knew Henry's secret, Henry was going to be a father and everyone knew, as sebastian played poker he folded leaving mid game. He knew it was stupid to even be here but he thought he could fill the void with gambling with drinking anything to get her off his mind, he finally knew how she felt when he said he didn't want her it felt like a punch to gut he wandered on the streets looking for anything to keep him off of her which was impossible

She told me she loved me and I blew it, i left her alone when she tried to help me i screamed in her face and told her horrible things.

Guilt

Henry and sebastian were both feeling guilty at the same time for two very different things but both relating back to her.. how could we disappoint our best friend like this.. treat her like that, she deserved more than a bunch of liars as best friends She deserved more than a bunch of guilty assholes as best friends, she deserved more - I'll get her more. He thought he got into his car and drove to only place he knew that would give her more.

"Elena?" Sebastian yelled loudly at the second floor window, it was quiet on their side of town, the window started to open "BlackRock?" She referred to his place of work "yeah is chase home?" "Yeah BlackRock but why?" She yelled back "you know that favor he owes me? well I need it now." she nodded her head and got chase "sebastian stan what do I owe the pleasure?" Chase said with a laugh it was 2am why was he here?

"Can we talk?" Chase nodded going to buzz him in, sebastian got himself prepared for what was about to happen.

It was the next day, she'd woken up a little earlier only to her to realize she awake at an ungodly hour for nothing, no work so why was she awake she made coffee and sat on the chair, God I could never do this stay at home mom shit this sucks - yeah working was hard but keeping busy is needed. She was quiet and lived alone most of her life to be honest she only did somethings in her past because of Sebastian, he was a risk taker while she was timidity.

"Henry I need a job" she felt his presence behind her she whipped around quickly, he smiled tying the belt on his robe a little tighter as he sat on the stool across from the island that stood in the middle of them

"I need to get a newspaper - wait do newspapers still exist" she said putting her cup in the sink and getting another one for Henry "yes sweetheart they still exist" he said lovingly as he looked at his phone "well I need one so I'm going to get dressed and get one!" She made Henry coffee and he kissed her over the counter

"Maybe I'll find something cute while I'm out" she winked, he felt butterflies in his stomach when she did that or was it just nerves about telling her he might be a father very soon..

she kissed him so sweetly he grabbed her butt very lightly getting a small chuckle from the girl, she got into the cab putting her bags in Henry watched her his mind running wild how was he going to tell her, she drove off and she put all her stuff away in her house the wall next to her thumped and a women calling out her neighbors name yelled, she really wasn't in the mood to listen to people having sex so she took off into that diner she usual goes to "June's" she ordered a coffee & a donut she wasn't hungry she just needed to order food to sit there on the spiny stool her laptop in front of her "elena GUESS WHAT newspapers exist!"

"You're an idiot! Hey darling hows life treatin' ya!" Elena said with a smile, elena was the women who she became very close to when she moved on this side of town "what do you think about men elena" she nodded "men ain't shit but my chase he's one of the good ones" she patted y/n's shoulder "I'd like to meet him one day"

"Oh you'll like him very philosophical like you" she laughed at even saying that word, "what's he do?" She asked "my chasey is a writer like you he writes for the newspaper" she wiped down the counter, it was mostly quiet a few people in booths it was early.

"Chase?" She typed his name in Google, "Crawford" she could've swore she heard a record scratch in her brain, "like THE Chase Crawford that writes for the New York Daily News" she nodded "why have you never told me that before" "you've never asked about my personal life sweetheart" her Brooklyn accented appeared heavily this time around I wondered why it still stuck after all these years when she hasn't lived there.

"So like - could I meet him one day?" She was beyond excited, he was a fantastic writer who knew absolutely everyone in the city because of interviews sources, and they usually worked for him he was more in touch with his business than y/n ever knew knowing Downey for so long she thought everyone could've been like that so she never got her hopes up

"Chase owes some guy that works at BlackRock a favor and he's overlooking some stuff for him so he won't be around until tomorrow night" she took out her notepad watching two guys walk in, "oh mr mackie! what brings you to this part of town" she spinned around on her chair greeting her best friend they hugged and his coworker I guess sat at their table whilst she caught up with Anthony

"So are we job hunting little lady?" Anthony asked "yes I need help!" She whined "I work with Chris I can't help you out in this field actually the four of us can't even help you out in this field!" He laughed and so did she, "I just want to start working again! It's so exhausting not doing ANYTHING!" she seemed stupid to complain

"Hey if you ever need a job in finance or law hit us up" he smiled hugging her "you were no help mackie" "I'm sorry" he shrugged going to his coworker.

After a while she came home, she saw a bouquet of sunflowers on her table. There was a note "I just miss you okay. Things are getting better slowly but surely." - Seb

"Why does he do such nice things for me" she was overwhelmed with love in her heart, why is he always there when I need him can he just go away.

she pulled out her phone "Sunflowers? Huh cheesy. you should've gone for something better like tulips oh or not get me flowers at all and actually visit me! I miss you too" She texted sebastian, he was in a meeting and his phone dinged all eyes on him "sorry" he silenced his phone but pulled it out of his pocket to see the text, he smiled and put back his phone, she puts a smile on his face how could he never realize how important she was to him, why did he do her so dirty? He thought he was in love. People do anything for love right?,

it was later that night

Someone knocked on the door, it was Henry "let's head out" he said

"Where are we going" she asked

"We have to talk about something important" she was scared to say the least, she wasn't understanding what was going on..

"Okay let me grab a jacket" she got her keys and her jacket and headed out they talked a lot he avoided for a while to not tell her but here it comes

"Sit" he gestured

"Okay where is this going?" She asked

"I have something to tell you and it's really hard for me-"

"Henry get to the point it's cold" they sat next to each other as their breath smoked and hands felt wet from how cold it was outside this afternoon..

"Please-"

"Henry just calm down it's okay whatever it is - I love you" she tried to reassure him, her nose turning a slight pink Henry's too but it wasn't because of the cold it was because of the heat circulating through his face he was just filled with nerves

"I want you to move in with me." He let out words that wasn't suppose to come out, his brain said other words not to say the words "I might be a father" He just dug himself a deeper hole.

"Henry -" she was in shock, but a good shock he was moving rapidly their relationship just kept going to places quick

"So?" He said his eyes looked so innocent his posture was soft and he was less stressed than before.

"Yes" they hugged tightly he lifted her off the ground slightly she loved when he did that "I can't believe you would ask me that!" She hit his shoulder "I want you more than ever"

"How did the research go?" sebastian asked sitting next to chase on his couch

"fantastic why have I never heard about her before??" He asked "shes been underneath Downey's belt since a few years she was the CD for two years and he dropped her" he drank from a glass almost gone of whiskey, sebastian drank a lot he quit for so long and then so much crap happened to him he picked the habit up again.

"I want her to work for the company, she knows what shes doing she's a great writer and a fantastic creative director can you call her"

"Call her..?" He asked.

"Yes call her like on a cell phone you press the buttons" sebastian gave him a death glare chase laughed hitting his shoulder in a joking matter

"Fine if you don't want to call text her be nonchalant about it, ask her if shes interested in a job interview", so that's what sebastian did and he texted her waiting for a reply on the other hand, y/n and henry had just got done making love for the third time in their relationship it was magic, but she was distracted through some of it seeing a text pop up from sebastian when they finished Henry said he was going in the shower and as soon as he closed that door she grabbed her phone

"Hey? You alright, I know you're going through a lot I'll be over to your place like i said tomorrow"

"You there?"

"Hey what do you think about a job interview I told my friend about your work and he's really interested in you."

"Hey seb, oh that sounds cool could you do that for me? That would be amazing I'll talk to you later luv ya"

"Who are you texting" he heard the text taps, as he walked through the door....does she dare even say his name - "Chris- he was asking about being a reporter or something I don't know" she deleted the texts and put her phone down.

"I'l see you tomorrow love you bye"

She felt as if she was betraying him but sebastian was her best friend it seems stupid to distance myself from him right? Also he has a job interview for me? This could be good for me!

Tagged @hiddlestonstansworld @lovely-geek @imcalledflorence @misz-adrii @escapistdreamer-wishfulthinker @someplxce @cuddlesforlashton @coffeebooksandfandomsohmy @weasley16 @ilovethewayyourheartbeats @vogueworthy-barnes @xeniarocks @thisismysecrethappyplace @racheo91 @gravedollie666 @inlovewith3 @supernaturaldean67 // if anyone wants to be untagged or tagged please leave a message ty♡ also I do not own any gifs or images of any kind.

#sebastian stan #imagine #sebastian #sebastian stan x reader #anthony mackie #chris evans #henry cavill x reader #sebastian stan fic #sebastian stan imagine #stan #henry cavill

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jordm · 5 years

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Heartland 13x04 - Eye of the Storm review

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!

So, long story short, I managed the spoil myself on this episode because while at (Canadian) Thanksgiving with my fam, it was on in the background, just couldn’t hear any sound. So anyways, here we go.

Let’s call this a saga of 3 storylines:

But first, A short word on Kirk

I get what Ty was intending but common... that was not smart. Confronting Kirk; there was no way this was going to end well. Ty was defending Amy but Kirk didn’t even start the confrontation... if they just left peacefully Kirk probably wouldn’t have called them horse killers in the middle of the diner; he only did because Ty demanded he retract his comments.

It’s worth nothing that the diner scene was the biggest giveaway that this Kirk storyline would be coming to an end, despite knowing how this all ends (again, due to me being spoiled), since I knew that this “horse killer” scene hadn’t been seen yet in the episodes, yet spoiled in the S13 promo. But you know, minor details.

But, good thing they have bigger worries to deal about than to dwell on being called a horse killer in public (where presumably, most of the customers are don’t think Amy is a horse killer since Lou owns it?) because...

A STORM IS COMING

(& not just the actual storm.. like literal personal storms that have the good fortune of popping up...)

Part 1: The Fleming-Morris’

Oh Lou, now is not the time to confront Georgie about her college application when they’re in the middle of the storm prevention. Like Peter said, “real organic Lou.” Sorry, but you aren’t being subtle. Suggesting the “game of life” and “being how proud you are of how motivated you are” isn’t real subtle at all

So the last time they hung out as a family was when Georgie broke her arm (I forgot which season), so it was really nice to see all four of them together again, even if it was an intervention.

Again, what is this timeline? What time of year it is? They’re talking about late submissions aka early January/February but it’s only episode 4.. and from my experience, campus tours usually happen in the fall before you apply, so did that much time pass between two episodes ago? Maybe this is nary the point but if it is January/February (aka ‘late submissions’ seasons since they’re usually due early January), then WHERE IS THE SNOW?!! It must be snowing since y’know that area has snow already in 2019 and it’s only October.

Anywaaaays, after some annoyance from Georgie and some pushiness from Lou, the family reach an agreement which probably should have been reached months ago. That this is a time of change; or in Katie’s words: “You’ll (Peter) will be going back to Vancouver and Georgie will be going to college” and Georgie, whether it’ll be show jumping or college or both, will do what she decides is best.

The first step? Applying to college (Hey, the first step is to apply, and then you can decide if you want to go or not. At least give yourself the option to go, because if you don’t apply, you don’t even give yourself a choice. She’s in the unique position of having her aunt not go to college, an ex taking the year off and a friend knowing what he wants to do already which is probably not helping matters. But this storyline is refreshing to see because while maybe a little... exaggerated, this is what many university students will be going through.

It seems to me that Lou is almost completely over Peter, but Peter... may not completely be over Lou after the way he looked after Lou took a phone call from Mitch. Which is, all together, a little surprising and i’m really hoping they don’t go down this “lets get back together route” which I fear they might after Katie’s off hand comment about “I don’t want you to get married or anything”.

Part 2: Ty and Kirk

Oh hey Ty? This lil personal thing you gotta fix while the storm is hours away with Ty is commendable, but again, maybe not the time even if it did solve the problem? Did you learn from the school of Lou? And again Ty, now is not the time to play vet and make sure Sarge is okay. But Ty’s gonna do what Ty’s gonna do and not learn his lesson (end result be damned).

Ty ends up staying back and saving all of Kirk’s horses (I guess Kirk is glad that he didn’t get the restraining order) and even manages to get an apology from Kirk from his behaviour. We learn his wife Carla died last year, which made me think perhaps, that if Amy did look at Sarge again, maybe she’d better be able to help Sarge knowing the full issue (ie. using Carla’s old clothes). Maybe Sarge just couldn’t have another rider because he misses Carla. Not that i’d think Kirk would give them a chance again but had Amy known the whole story it might be a whole different story.

At all means, i’m glad this storyline is over, so hopefully the construction crew can get back to work (not that they really made much progress tbh) even if perhaps, it may have been for the best that they stopped because the storm may have brought the house down all together and added more expenses. I honestly just really want this house built at least by season 14 because they do need a place of their own - i mean someone has to move out from the main house right?

Part 3: “Everyone else” (Amy, Jack, Tim and Luke)

Jack keeps on freezing up anytime he sees the cellar, bringing up memories of June, who presumably often frequented the cellar.

Meanwhile, Luke can’t seem to shake that Boots got “released” into the wild, even if it was for the best. This probably, most definitely has to do something the fact that he’s already had his mom leave/abandon him (again, even if it was for the betterment of her mental/physical health) and Jack releasing Boots reminded him of that.

Luke thinks Jack hates him, which prompts Jack to clear things to up and finally explain his hesitancy and his ability to freeze whenever something reminds of his past. To me, it seems like, Jack wanted out due to his abusive father and all, but when June died (and things got worse), when he finally came around he adopted June’s dream, maybe in a way he didn’t quite realize, to keep her memory alive, living her dream (even if some of it was revisionist history... or a plot hole as discussed in @the-real-tc’s post).

Jack finally hears June’s words from her diary, 45+ years later, and the final parting shot of June running away then fading away, to me signifies that he’s finally over the major hump and starting to put June in their past. I don’t think June will ever be “just in the past” but today’s episode represented Jack facing his past demons for the first time. Perhaps learning about June’s desire to run the ranch herself made him realize had one rock not been there, the cart been one centimetre to the left or right, that he really would have been giving June her dream. And that’s a big step, not just in Tim and Jack’s relationship.

STRAY ENDS

How cute is lil Lyndy coming out of the storm cellar and just yelling ‘grandpa’ as she goes after Tim? I think I rewound that part a few times it was so adorable.

Where’s Lisa? We saw Mitch call Lou, Ty call Amy, but.... Lisa didn’t call to check up on Jack? Maybe she was busy with Fairfield? How is Fairfield doing?

SONGS IN THIS EPISODE ( @heartlandians)

Family Name - Peter Bradley Adams

Child Be Still - Joe Marson

Adrfit - Bob Hillman

#heartland #eye of the storm #review

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survivingyellow · 5 years

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Boot Camp was Hell

Most of you are probably wondering where I went, or better yet, why am I back.

To sum it all up for you guys in as short of a response as I can, here it is. I made weight and swore into the Marine Corps on January 25th 2019. There was a slim chance I could ship out with Lara (my best friend) on the 4th of February. But it didn't end up happening. (for the best) And I shipped out to Parris Island SC on February 19th. Now, they told me that they were going to break me down to build me back up. And I was fully prepared to get spit on, and screamed at, and IT’d. But I didn't think that they were going to inject a whole bunch of things into my body that in the end would make my head all fucking fuzzy. There are literally 3 whole days of me being in boot camp where I don’t recall anything of what happened. I ended up freaking out and realizing just how much I needed to get out of there. I refused to train and told them that I wanted to kill myself. So I got early separation and ended up coming home a week later.

You can judge me all you want, but I was doing what I had to do to protect myself. Now I have memory lapses, I am working at The Fruitland Park Cafe, I met a really rad girl that I think is going to be one of my best friends for a REALLY long time (but I can’t talk to her until she ships home, hopefully today or tomorrow.) My love life is a total wreck and I just don’t even give a flying fuck about it anyway. I’m staying back at my parents house in a room without any walls, I still miss my ex that left me almost an entire year ago, and I’m having trouble having emotional attachments to some of the most important things in my life, I lost a lot of my friends because they are disappointed in the fact that I dropped out of boot camp, I am not allowed to be friends with Gem anymore,and my writing has gone to shit. Whoever said this life thing was easy, obviously hasn’t been a 19 year old girl in the year of 2019.

And ya know, I don’t have an inspirational ending to this blog post either. I don’t have a “but” to give you to try to justify everything that is going wrong in my life. But I do need to apologize for ghosting you guys. I just felt like I couldn’t explain what ‘Frost Bit’ was about. And honestly, I still can’t. It was just a bunch of built up tears and word vomit that flowed out of my mouth nicely. I have missed you guys though. And I hope everything is going well for you.

The thing is, is that right now I absolutely have no clue what I’m going to do with my life, whether it be to move to Hawaii or backpack through Europe, become a tattoo artist, write a book, or just be a bum. I have no idea what I am going to do. And that’s perfectly fine with me. I’m sick of having to put my %110 into everything that I’m pursuing. It’s not healthy, so for now, I am just taking my time and trying to figure things out. Thank you for all that still support me and my spontaneous decisions. I really do appreciate you all. Oh, and I don’t plan on taking that long of a break from blogging again. I’m back for good, guys.

-Jance

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ruminativerabbi · 3 years

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Listening to Lincoln

I am a huge fan of the writing of David S. Reynolds, historian of American ideas and professor at the Graduate Center of the City University of New York. (Readers should be careful not to confuse him with Cambridge University professor David Reynolds—no middle initial—who writes books primarily about twentieth century foreign policy and international relations. And also not with the Australian racing driver of the same name, co-winner of the 2017 Supercheap Auto Bathurst 1000.) The David Reynolds I wish to write about today, the one with a middle initial who doesn’t drive racecars for a living, has written several books that I’ve admired greatly over the years, most notably his 2009 book, Waking Giant: America in the Age of Jackson, but also the truly remarkable Walt Whitman’s America: A Cultural Biography, which came out two years later in 2011. And I also enjoyed reading his impressive 2012 volume, Mightier Than the Sword: Uncle Tom’s Cabin and the Battle for America, which book I think helped me understand the cultural milieu of the years leading up to the Civil War more than any other single volume I can think of. (For those of you who haven’t read any of the above, you are in for a huge treat. The author is just five years older than I am, but seems to understand nineteenth-century America more profoundly, and more broadly and deeply, than any other author I’ve read—including authors who themselves lived in the nineteenth century. Sometimes you really do need a little distance to see clearly.) And now I’ve just finished reading his latest book, Abe: Abraham Lincoln in His Time, published last fall by Penguin Press.

There are, of course, a lot of books about Lincoln out there, including many full-length biographies. And yet Reynolds manages to carve out space for a novel contribution to the world of Lincoln research, one in which he presents the man not so much in terms of his accomplishments (although that too) but more specifically in terms of the cultural milieu in which he grew up and flourished. It is, as noted above, a remarkable accomplishment and I recommend the book beyond highly. But I write today not merely to recommend an excellent book, but to tell you something that reading Reynolds’ helped me understand about our nation now by drawing me back into the story of our nation then.

One of Lincoln’s best known early speeches is the so-called Lyceum Address, which he delivered on January 27, 1838, at the Springfield Young Men’s Lyceum in Springfield, Illinois, as a twenty-eight-year old member of the Illinois State Legislature. I noticed Bret Stephens writing about this speech in the New York Times a few weeks back (click here) and found what he had to say about Lincoln in light of the events in Washington of January 6 compelling. But that only drew me back to Reynold’s book, where that specific speech is dissected and analyzed masterfully and intelligently, and set into its larger context.

The nation was in dire straits in the late 1830s. The slavery issue was front and center, forcing people either to support abolitionism or to be pro-slavery. In many quarters, what Lincoln called a “mobocratic” spirit seized the day. An anti-slavery newspaper editor, one Elijah Lovejoy, had just been murdered by a racist mob in Alton, Illinois. In Cincinnati, pro-slavery thugs broke into the building housing an anti-slavery newspaper and hauled the printing presses to the banks of the Ohio River and threw them in. In St. Louis, a Black man named Francis McIntosh had just been chained to a tree and burnt to death after shooting a policeman who was harassing his friends. In our own New York, pro-slavery mobs demolished stores and churches deemed to stand for abolitionism. There were pro-slavery riots in Manhattan, as well as in Connecticut and New Jersey. Nor was the violence that had seized the nation rooted solely in the slavery issue: anti-Catholic rioters burnt a convent to the ground in Charleston, Massachusetts, and attempted to murder the nuns who lived inside. So that was the background for Lincoln’s address at the lyceum in Springfield: his big point was that the issue on the nation’s table was not about slavery or about religious pluralism; it was about the power of the mob and whether the nation would choose to reject “mobocracy” and be guided forward solely by elected officials sworn to uphold the Constitution. That, he submitted, was what the nation needed to decide. Is this starting to sound at all familiar?

Lincoln saw the matter clearly, too, writing that “whenever the vicious portion of the population shall be permitted to gather in bands of hundreds and thousands, and burn churches, ravage and rob provision stores, throw printing presses into rivers, shoot editors, and hang and burn obnoxious persons at pleasure, and with impunity; depend on it, this Government cannot last.”

His second big point will also be resonant with modern readers. The nation was founded in revolution; the right to rise up against a despised central government and seek autonomy through independence is the foundation stone upon which the nation came into being. But what do we who live today do with that revolutionary spirit when citizens claim it as their justification for wanting to destroy the union, for refusing to accept legitimate election results, for seeking to accomplish with armed insurrection what they have failed to achieve through the normal instruments of self-expression that guide democracies forward into their own futures? It isn’t a ridiculous question at all—and it is one that Lincoln would eventually pay with his life for answering in the specific way he did.

The key for Americans in his day, Lincoln declares, lies in understanding that the sole way to honor the revolutionary spirit is to embrace the republican ideals upon which the founders founded the nation. “As the patriots of seventy-six did to the support of the Declaration of Independence,” Lincoln says clearly, “so to the support of the Constitution and Laws let every American pledge his life, his property, and his sacred honor.” To this single point, he returns again and again in his remarks in Springfield. “Let reverence for the laws be breathed by every American,” he said, “[and] let it become the political religion of the nation.” And as far as the notion that armed insurrection is somehow the birthright of true patriots schooled in the founders’ ideals, Lincoln has this to say: “Passion has helped us, but can do so no more. It will in future be our enemy. Reason, cold, calculating, unimpassioned reason, must furnish all the materials for our future support and defense.”

Lincoln’s Lyceum speech was delivered just two years after one of the greatest of all American essays, Ralph Waldo Emerson’s “Nature,” was published. Did Lincoln read it? My guess is that he did. For one thing, Lincoln was extremely well-read, a point to which Reynolds returns again and again. And I can hear Emerson clearly in some passages of the Lyceum address as well. Emerson’s point was that God speaks to the world through nature itself, making point after divine point to humankind through the intricacy and beauty of the natural world. And so does Lincoln turn to nature to make his point even more grandly by seeing the insurrectionists and rioters of his day as enemies not only of the republic but of nature itself: he describes the Founders as “a forest of giant oaks,” but then notes that an “all-resistless hurricane has swept over them, and left only, there and there, a lonely trunk despoiled of its verdure, shorn of its foliage.” America itself is identified with Eden: the United States occupies, Lincoln wrote, “the fairest portion of the earth as regards extent of territory, fertility of soil, and salubrity of climate.” But now the enemies of democracy have despoiled paradise: instead of the trees of Eden dripping with luscious fruit, in Mississippi both white people and Blacks “were seen literally dangling from the boughs of trees upon every roadside,” a horrific sight almost as omnipresent as the “native Spanish moss of the country, as a drapery of the forest.

Reynolds himself draws the obvious conclusion, writing that “the natural world—oceans, trees, a quarry, birds, snow, sun, and so on—here solidifies Lincoln’s ideas. The earth yields a political message: rebuild the edifice of liberty on solid ground by obeying the law, or else the hurricane of revolutionary passions will tear it down.”

So these are the thoughts I bring to my contemplation these days of our American present. Each day brings new arrests of those who entered the Capitol on January 6. The Senate is gearing up to try ex-President Trump on charges of inciting insurrection. The political landscape President Biden will have now to negotiate is changed, and fundamentally so, from what it would or could have been even just two or three months ago. To compare the riot at the Capitol with the burning of the Reichstag sounds exaggerated, but even making that comment is unsettling: even just a month ago, who would even have understood it? Or been able to imagine it?

As we move forward into uncharted waters against a background of the pandemic politics, I suggest we look forward by looking back. And I suggest we start by reading and rereading Lincoln. David S. Reynold’s book is an excellent place to start and I recommend it highly. But even more important is encountering Lincoln through his own words, through the story of his own life. (You can buy a used copy of Maureen Harrison and Steven Gilbert’s Lincoln in His Own Words for less than $2 online.) Lincoln was president more than a century and a half ago, but he casts his shadow still across the land. And that, I think, is a very good thing indeed.

#Abraham Lincoln #Lyceum Address #mobocracy

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centolutions · 3 years

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#101) Write stellar Christmas letter for 2020

This could have been a bigger challenge, since the year itself wasn’t consistently, well, stellar. But the inspiration hit. The letter is written, and now all we need to do is stuff the envelopes and get it in the mail.

Dear Diary, January 1st, 2020

I had the strangest dream this morning. A microscopic cell grew so large it blotted out the sun like an eclipse, with only the glow from the corona visible. People fled into their homes and stayed inside. Those that ventured out suffered one of two fates. They either fell to their knees in a fit of coughing, or they started speaking one of two opposite languages and shouting at those people that didn’t understand them. I looked at the calendar in my dream, and the date read ‘Friday the 13th’. I’m not sure what this means, but I’m glad I woke up from that scary nightmare. I’m really looking forward to 2020 because I think everyone will look back on the year as we near Christmas and, with 20-20 hindsight, be able to say “I can see clearly now!”

Fast forward to December, 2020.

Okay, so admit it. Some parts of this year definitely felt like a dream. And for some people, there were portions of the year which seem nightmarish and they don’t want to reoccur. But, life finds a path forward like a river finding its way to the ocean. Something may come up to temporarily block the flow, but the water finds a new route, past new vistas, creating new opportunities for growth along the way. I’ll give you three examples.

Case I: The Newlyweds

I’ll admit, I was skeptical. “You want to have a wedding in Colorado for two people with families from Ohio? And you want to do this in January? And you want to have an Ice Cream Truck for guests to walk up to – OUTSIDE???” But with that famous 20-20 hindsight, I must say, Beth and Karl’s wedding on January 3rd in Denver was an incredibly wonderful event. The ceremony (like the bride) was beautiful! The sacrament was reverent! The weather was incredible (mid-50s in early January) And the reception celebration was kick-a,, um, was a lot of fun!

Life seemed as delicious for the newlyweds as a scoop of Sweet Cow ice cream from the Moo Mobile. Then Covid-19 hit Colorado, one trip after another for Karl was pulled from the COR schedule, and Beth and the rest of the Camp Wojtyla staff had to make the decision to cancel summer camp for 2020. But they both stayed positive, turned an EconoLiner into an EconoLodger in their down time. And in late Spring, life happened. Quite literally! The couple is expecting their baby in February. Chris and I are looking forward to visiting them in Lander, WY to welcome our first grandchild. We’re also looking forward to Yaktrax™ and a renewed appreciation for sub-zero degree weather.

Case II: The Busted Block

As mentioned in previous Christmas missives, we really appreciated Steve’s job at the movie theatre. He would bring home interesting stories about the guests - - - and free tickets for his parents! When the reality of the mid-March stay-at-home order in Ohio set in by early-April, Cinemark told all their employees that they were not only laid off, but that they would not be guaranteed a job when the theatres re-opened. Everyone would need to interview for consideration to be re-hired.

No summer blockbusters! No steady income! No free tickets for Chris and I! “No problem!”, Steve said. He reached out to a few contractors and got himself a new career in home (and other building) repair, renovation, and remodeling. He now has more hours “building back better” with his construction crew than he got at the theatre, earns more per-hour, and is already building (pun intended) his own clientele list. Plus our own house has gotten some very nice updates as he’s practiced some masonry, plumbing, painting and shed-repair skills.

Case III: The Move Up North

Late January was the end of Grace’s two-year commitment to Children’s Protective Services for the Commonwealth of Kentucky. She decided that she was going to move from Lexington to Ann Arbor and attend U of M for her Masters in Social Work. So on March 13th (yes, Friday the 13th), we moved Grace out of Lexington, on March 14th she moved her furniture and goods to her new apartment in Ann Arbor, and on March 15th, Governor Whitmer closed down the state of Michigan.

Before the move (and the pandemic), Grace was worried about finding a job. But Kroger was more than happy to have any willing body help with Pick List shopping, and Grace found herself waking up at 4:30 am to grab other people’s groceries. Unfortunately, Grace’s brand new roommates became ex-roommates after six weeks since their lost jobs meant they had to change their living plans. Undeterred, she found a new place to live with a lovely, retired U of M Professor, who got Grace connected with two other U of M contacts through which she landed two new jobs.

And with U of M itself using significant online learning, Grace opted to defer the start of graduate school till Fall 2021. The additional time allowed her to decide that Ann Arbor is the place she wants to stay (at least for a while). And with that, two other decisions followed. In June, Grace welcomed Koda B. Nadler into the family. Koda is an adorable young mother of four, a little over 60 lbs., and loves getting her back scratched and chasing after squeaky toys. In December, Grace closed on a house in Ypsilanti. The two big selling points for Grace? A fenced in back yard for Koda to play in, and a chicken coop (which won’t get any chickens until Koda learns not to eat them).

Now, the purpose of this note is not to say take those lemons thrown at you in 2020 and turn them into lemonade. In addition to health, economic and social concerns unique to the year, there were moments with a bitter note that can happen any year. Dorothy Nadler (Mom / Grandma) passed away on June 22nd, after managing Parkinson’s for over a decade. She moved into a Skilled Nursing Facility last October and was getting along pretty well. But with Covid-19 spreading across the country, the nursing home went into lockdown. Starting in March she wasn’t allowed to have visitors. And while the virus did find its way into the facility in April, and Mom even tested positive the second week, she remained asymptomatic for an entire month. A Parkinson’s-related infection sent her to the hospital in May. Once she recovered from that, she was released to a hospice center in Defiance, OH in early June. She was able to have visitors every day, limit of two at a time. Dad was happy to be one of those two visitors nearly every day. Mom was focused on celebrating the wedding shower for Kelly Nadler (now Steffan) on June 20th, a goal which she accomplished. We miss her each and every day, and are so fortunate to have had her with us for so many years.

But, as said earlier, life continues to flow. In addition to Tessa, who Chris has been watching for over a year now, another energy-filled three-year old can be found at Chez Nadler once or so per week. And when those two get going, it doesn’t matter what room I’m using as my home office. My CareSource colleagues will ask “Did you say something, Dave?” on the teleconference. I’ll say ‘No, it’s the toddlers’, and the others with children haunting their own home offices will give knowing nods.

Here’s hoping you, your families and your friends have a peaceful transition into a healthy and happy 202One. May God’s love and joy warm your hearts and souls. And, please, for those of you that wish for a memorable year next year, make sure to wish for happy memories.

With Love,

Chris and Dave

[and Beth(+1) and Karl, Steve, Grace, Zing, Dixie, Koda, and the fish who I’m not sure we ever named] (old habits are hard to break)

#CentolutionEngage

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never-not-ever · 6 years

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2017/1 year anniversary with my girlfriend

How We Met

So I actually met my girlfriend on OkCupid when I was down here at my Aunts house last January. I love visiting my Aunt and we do hang out and go places but there’s also a lot of down time. So last year when I was down here I was bored and made an online dating account. At first it was just guys but I got pretty bored of that and started thinking how a lot of the guys weren’t my type and then I was questioning what my type even was and what gender too! So I decided to switch my “looking for” to women and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I started talking to Andrea and I remember it all so clear and it’s so crazy to be back in this bedroom where it all began. Laying on this very bed where I stayed up late talking to this amazing woman. It sounds cliche and I don’t know how but I stumbled across Girls Like Girls by Hayley Kiyoko and that was literally my anthem for that month. I mean come on the song was perfect for me. It was like my own little cheerleader in the background telling me that what I was doing was okay except I didn’t need anyone to tell me it was okay because I knew in my heart that it was perfectly okay and perfectly normal. We started talking on January 13th. I left WV and took the Amtrak train home to Boston on January 16th and that day I heard her voice for the first time. I remember it like it was yesterday! I was on the train and getting closer and closer to Boston. We were so giddy and nervous to talk on the phone but looking back it was the cutest thing. That night we talked on the phone for 2 hours. I met her the next day on January 17th and almost a week later we made it official. January 23rd, 2017.

2017

January

So the rest of the month is a blur. Lots of dates and hanging out. Meeting her family etc. Her meeting my gm. This month should have been filled with pure joy but there was also heartache. This also happened to be the month I had a fall out with my two ex-best friends. Not going to go into specifics, just that it was very painful and very toxic.

February

Our first Valentine’s Day! I bought her flowers and she stuck post it notes around her room with little reasons why she loved me or little fun facts about us. I think it was after Valentine’s Day where I started working more and more in the Florist. I’ve been at my job for almost 8 years now and I’d always help out in the florist around the holidays but this year I moved to that department permanently. February is also the month her parents go away so I basically stayed at her house all the time! They have a 16 year old dog and Andrea works a lot and couldn't take her out all the time so her sister moved home for the month and since I was always there I grew closer to her sister during this month.

March

Nothing too grand and exciting.

April

We went on our first vacation to Virginia Beach and it was so much fun. Our hotel room was amazing and right on the beach! The weather was perfect and we did so much. I’d love to go back again because it was just a great time filled with lots of memories! I started talking to one of my ex-friends around this time too.

May

Birthday month! My first birthday in years were I didn’t wish to be dead when I blew out the candles. Sounds dramatic but I’m not joking. We spent the day together and I saved a baby squirrel from a rest stop parking lot. Ruined my “Normal People Scare Me” hoodie by wrapping the little guy up in it who was covered in fleas and bugs. I also started talking to the other ex-friend again but it just wasn’t the same. I think by this month I was officially a florist clerk! Besides meeting Andrea, switching departments at my job made my year. I became so much more happier and cheerful at work. I also went to my first wedding (since I was a kid which I don’t even remember!). It was a waterfront wedding and amazing. I’ll always remember that night! I wore a dress for the first time since prom!

June

I went to London!! It wasn’t as long as I would have liked but it was amazing!! I could honestly see myself living there. I went with my cousin and my uncle who was on a business trip. It was the highlight of my Summer. Went to another wedding. It wasn’t as nice as the first one but it was still a great time! It was out in western Mass and we slept overnight at a nearby hotel. The next morning me and Andrea decided to take a drive down to NYC. It was spontaneous and I loved it even though we got there around suppertime and didn’t get to do much. It was still a good time!

July

Andrea’s family has a huge 4th of July BBQ and that was a pretty great day! I wore another dress lol! My old friends came and we all hung out and played games and then watched the fireworks on a dock in the water. It was so nice to have everyone together but that was the first and last time it ever happened. A strange and mysterious thing happened this month. A baby kitten was found in my front entrance. You see, to get in my house you have to go up a flight of stairs and open not only a storm door but a regular door as well. That brings you to a little square hallway where we keep the mail and theres two more doors-one leads to the second floor where I live with my gm and the other is for the first floor where my uncle lives. We keep the mail on a little set of shelves in that hallways and one morning my gm was taking my dog out and there was a kitten sitting on the bottom shelf! We named her Delilah and kept her and she’s been a part of the family ever since.

August

This month was a blur. Nothing big and exciting happened. Met my new psychiatrist and started preparing to say goodbye to my therapist whom I would be terminating with in the next month.

September

Went on our second vacation together to D.C. My body image was crap and it kind of sorta ruined the trip cause I was always so self conscious being in public and stuff. In the end it was still nice just being able to get away and spend time alone. It was Andrea’s birthday and I made her a collage of our pictures that said “I like me best when I’m with you”. It was cute. When we got back from our trip I started up EMT classes again. I took the course in 2014 and passed all but one test (the state written) and I let too much time go by so I decided to retake the course. At the end of the month I had to say goodbye to my therapist. Someone I worked with since April of 2016 when I was inpatient. It was so hard to say goodbye because for over a year I saw this woman almost every single week and she helped me thru times when I thought I was going to end up back in the hospital. I also stopped going to my DBT group as well. Stopping with therapy wasn’t my choice, stopping with group was. This also was the month I stopped talking to my ex-best friend whom I was friends with for over 10 years. We didn’t have a big fight or anything we just drifted apart. “You didn’t text me” “But you didn’t text me” so typically but it was bound to happen. People change and there’s nothing wrong with that. I feel like for the most of 2017 I kept trying to prove that I didn’t change like it was some bad thing when in reality it’s okay to change, it’s part of life.

October

And to follow along with that last month I also stopped talking to my other ex-friend. I have nothing against them. They were there for me when I was at rock bottom in 2016 and for that I will be forever grateful. In 2017 however things were very rocky. Things felt forced, like I was walking on eggshells afraid to do something wrong. A never-ending rollercoaster that finally came to a stop in the end of October. I’m not going to lie and say that my life has been great ever since. Because it hasn’t. I mean yes it’s been okay and I’ve been happy but I’ve also been so down because of all that’s happened with them, second guessing myself and wondering “what if”. But in the end we all moved on and that’s all that matters because in the end life moves on.

November

This Thanksgiving me, my uncle and my gm went over to Andrea’s and it was so much fun. After my people went home I stayed and played games with her brothers and sister and their significant others. We listened to Christmas music and just had a blast. Me and Andrea started Christmas shopping and listening to Christmas music and it was the start to a wonderful holiday. In the end of the month I took my class written exam and in some surprising turn of events I passed! Like I was so shocked because I didn’t study at all and went into that exam knowing that I could retake it and thinking that thats what was going to happen. But I didn’t have to because I passed!!

December

More Christmas shopping and snuggling under fuzzy blankets with my babe. All up until Christmas the only music I listened to was Christmas music! Ever since my Aunt passed away I always hated the holidays. It was so sad and depressing. But this year was different. I was looking forward to spending Christmas with Andrea and her family and starting new traditions. This month I had two practical exams. One for the class and one for the state and I passed them both!! I went to Andrea’s family’s Christmas party on the 23rd and it was so nice and festive. I slept over that night and on Christmas Eve we all woke up and celebrated Christmas morning a day early cause not everyone could be there for Christmas Day. We went over to a friends house for New Years Eve and ordered Chinese food and played Cards Against Humanity. I can’t remember the last time I kissed someone on New Years. But this time I got to ring in the New Year with my babe.

#personal #2017 #so long #omg sorry #lol

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beautifully-broken-hearted88 · 6 years

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I am 1 in 4

With a story like this, it’s probably easiest to start at the beginning. I have always wanted to be a Mother. I’ve always loved kids and have been told I am naturally amazing with them. I have even had a hand in raising ex’s kids and was amazed at how natural it came to me. It shocked me how quickly I felt that instant maternal instinct and how suddenly I felt I had a higher purpose in life.

On Monday, 12 February 2018 at around 4.30pm my entire world got turned upside down. I attended a consultation with my Doctor to get a script re-filled. I remember my Doctor asking me the usual things like how had I been feeling, how had everything been going etc etc, and then of course the routine question of “when was your last period.”

I rolled my eyes (to give you a better picture, my Doctor had made me do probably close to 8 pregnancy tests within the past 12 months, as my period had been a little bit all over the place, but being on the pill, I just put down the irregularities down to stress or something) and told him around the start of January. Without hesitation, he passed me the empty cup and asked me for a urine sample to do a pregnancy test. I took the cup from him, laughed and said something about this becoming a routine thing with him.

I returned a few minutes later and handed him the full cup. As he dipped the test in and waited for the results, we started talking about how inconsistent the weather had been in Melbourne for Summer, and how the weather had a personality like many people we knew in our lives - inconsistent and all over the place.

Suddenly, my Doctor looked up at me with a slight smirk on his face and said “it’s positive”. I laughed and said that’s not a very funny joke to make, and then he showed me the stick. Two strong, pink lines. Honestly at that point I don’t remember what the Doctor said to me as I went completely numb, I think I asked him for a drink of water as I felt dizzy come to think of it.

My Doctor continued talking, I think about the medications I was taking that I would no longer be able to take, and what vitamins I would need to immediately start taking when I picked my phone and had the following conversation with my boyfriend (through Facebook messenger, of all ways):

Me: Babe!! I’m at the doctors… he did a test it said positive… i’m pregnant. Him: Really Me: Yes. Gotta have an ultrasound. Doctor says I’m approx 6 weeks along going off last period. He’s checking what medications I’m allowed to take… gotta stop Zoloft and Valium immediately today. Him: Call you in a little bit

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Really? You told him via a message?? Look, I agree it wasn’t the best way to deliver that kind of news, but I was in a state of total shock too!

Over the next few days, we started telling our immediate family/closest friends of the news. Like us, everyone else was shocked, but they were also happy and excited for us, and supported us in our “soon-to-be-new-parents-journey.”

We booked in for our first ultrasound a few days later, on Thursday, 15th of February. I remember being incredibly nervous that the baby might not be in the right spot, or there might be something wrong, but the sonographer we had that morning was simply amazing. He told us the baby was perfectly placed in my uterus, and pointed at the screen.

“That’s your baby!” he said as he smiled. I squinted - it was literally a small black dot, nothing like you see in TV shows or movies, but then he reminded us it was super early and that usually you don’t see anything that resembles a baby until at least the 12 week scan.

It was after this that I started to experience some of the infamous pregnancy symptoms. I got to experience Morning Sickness (although mine was usually more an Afternoon/Evening Sickness), Pregnancy Hormones (I got teary watching Cheaper By the Dozen 2 whilst in a waiting room at the Doctor’s) and the sorest breasts to the point putting a bra on was difficult.

I’d lay next to my boyfriend at night, and we’d try to imagine what the baby would look like, and started to come up with possible names. It was a fun process, as the complete unknown was both terrifying but exciting at the same time. I had literally never felt more strongly connected to him or more in love, those night time talks were probably some of the best times with him to date. There was something we had created growing inside of me, and although it was only the size of a blueberry and I had no idea what it looked like, I had never felt an instant love like I felt. We made arrangements for me to move out of my 1 bedroom unit and into his house with his parents and his 5 year old son, which again was something even more exciting to plan for.

I booked in for my 12 week scan for Thursday, 28th March and for my 13 week 5d gender scan for Saturday, 7th of April. I was fortunate enough to work with a few girls who were at different stages of their own pregnancies, some expecting their second child, and spent most of my work days asking 101 questions about what to expect and what to prepare myself for.

On Friday, 2nd of March, I finished work at 5:00pm and headed home. It was a warm Summer afternoon, I was tired and there were train delays which made that afternoon more stressful. I literally just wanted to get home and relax, as the plan was to start packing up things at my unit to get ready to move.

On Saturday, 3rd of March, I woke up with really weird cramps. They almost felt like period pain cramps, but I thought to myself that can’t be possible. An hour later I went to the bathroom and noticed blood. Internally, I instantly knew something wasn’t right, but did my best to remain calm. I told my boyfriend, and we decided it was a good idea to go to the Hospital, just to make sure everything was okay.

We spent literally all day at the Hospital, we got there at 11.30am. We waited in the waiting room for around an hour, before we were finally seen to at Emergency. For anyone who knows me, they know that I have a major phobia of hospitals, needles and blood, so when it came time to do a blood test, all of that remaining calm business went straight out the window and I became hysterical.

They finally were able to get the 3 vials of blood they needed, and we were eventually moved into the Short Stay area of the Hospital at 2:00pm, which was good because I was exhausted by this point and was happy to have a bed to lay down in. I was still experiencing cramps through-out the day, and continued to notice blood.

We were finally seen by a Doctor at around 4:30pm, who said as I was only 8 weeks pregnant, it was very hard to tell if something was wrong, and they couldn’t do a scan as it would be to small to see. They told us my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) was raised as it should be for someone who is pregnant, and that I would need to do a repeat blood test in a few days to check if the level had increased or decreased, and then see a specialist at the Hospital on Wednesday, 7th of March to find out the next steps. And just like that, after spending nearly 6 hours in Hospital, I was sent home with no answers, and even more anxious than I was before I had arrived that morning.

We got home, and I just broke down. How was I meant to function until Wednesday not knowing if my baby was okay, still feeling pain from cramps and still passing blood? I ended up passing out (I think from pure exhaustion) that night.

When I woke up on Sunday, 4th of March, I was in agony. The cramps were more intense than they were the day before, and now not only was I passing blood, I was also passing blood clots. I knew that I couldn’t go to the Hospital, as they had told us there was nothing they could do until I had my repeat blood test, so I took some Panadol and held a heatpack around my lower abdomen to try and get the pain under control.

As the day went on, the cramps and blood continued on and off. My boyfriend left at 3:30pm to go and pick up his son. I was lying in bed, when suddenly I felt pain like I have never experienced before. It felt like I was being stabbed. I managed to get myself from the bedroom to the bathroom, and suddenly felt something.

I sat there on the toilet in tears, terrified to check on what I had just felt. I grabbed some toilet paper, wiped under me and was then horrified by what I held in my hand. It was a transparent sac, about the size of a 50c coin. I honestly don’t know how long I stared at it for. Even though I had never seen anything like this before, I instantly knew I had just passed my baby.

I wrapped it up in paper and cleaned up the remaining tissue that had also come out, and flushed the toilet. Now that I think back on it, I should’ve kept it and buried it, but I was literally in such a state of shock I didn’t know what else to do. And just like that, not only did my baby disappear, but with it all my future hopes, dreams and chance of being a Mother disappeared too.

What happened after that is a little bit hazey. My boyfriend’s Mother helped me get back into bed and called him to let him know what had happened, and my Mother arranged to come over to see me too. My boyfriend got home and laid next to me in bed and I just cried.

There is a million and one things that run through your head. I instantly felt guilty, like I had done something/not done something and had caused this. Then there was the feeling of not being good enough/deserving enough for the baby to live. Then came anger over how unfair life is, when you see people everyday drinking/smoking/taking drugs through-out their pregnancies, and they still get a healthy baby to hold at the end of it.

What followed from that was just emptiness and broken dreams. I would never know whether the baby was a girl or a boy. I would never know if they looked like me or my boyfriend. I would never hold them. Never hear them cry. Never see them walk or talk, take them to their first day of school, never see them grow up.

The rest of the day pretty much went in a cycle of being okay, to being numb, to being hysterical again. On Monday, 5th of March, I still had to go and get a blood test, and even worse, I had to go for an ultrasound. I literally kept my eyes closed, held my partner’s hand and cried through-out the entire scan, just knowing there was going to be nothing there.

The Doctor had said that there could be a possibility that the baby was still okay (I think they have to say that, just on the off chance it’s true) but I knew that I had held my baby in my hand, and it was no longer living and growing inside of me. Sure enough, today (Tuesday, 6th of March) that was confirmed true. I had miscarried and my baby was no longer inside of me, what was left was just other tissue and lining.

I continue to be in pain from cramps (I have been told these can last up to a week) and continue to bleed (which can last up to 6 weeks) and have been told I will need to undergo yet another ultrasound in a few weeks to “make sure everything has shed properly”.

I think for a lot of people, even to extent some partner’s, once the baby itself passes, that’s the end of it for them. Unfortunately for the Mother (I’m still not 100% sure I can consider myself one after this has occured), the experience doesn’t end like that. Every cramp you feel and every bit of blood you see is a cruel reminder that your baby is gone, and that now everything you are feeling is just the body returning itself to a “normal” state, and you just have to go along with it, you have no choice.

I’ve booked in to see someone tomorrow to hopefully start my grieving process, but I honestly don’t know how it goes from here seeing as this is the first time this has happened to me (I have suffered two prior miscarriages, however I did not know I was pregnant with either of them and both occured due to forced trauma, so I never had to witness any of it). I don’t know how you move forward from here, and go through days like Mother’s day, the baby’s due date (for me it was October 9th, 2018) and other days like Christmas for example.

As far as what happens from here, I honestly don’t know. Some people have mentioned eventually having overcome this and then trying to fall pregnant again, but the thought of that terrifies me as I honestly don’t think I could potentially go through another loss, and I respect those who I know who have had multiple losses and still keep trying and some have even been successful, you are a lot stronger and braver than me.

I was told to not bottle this and to share my story, which in anything in my life I have always promised to do, to hopefully help anyone else who is going through/has gone through something similar. I will try to keep writing about how I survive the next chapter from this, but apologise if I don’t as even writing this took a lot out of me and was extremely difficult to write about.

I also apologise if some of this isn’t written well/doesn’t make sense, this is all still pretty raw for me (hasn’t even been 48hrs yet) and I was pretty much crying the entire time I typed this so there will probably be mistakes.

#pregnancyloss miscarriageawareness iam1in4

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