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#listen matt is so autistic coded
wat-the-cur · 8 months
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LEMME TRY AGAIN. Death Note for the fandom meme please!!! 🥺 I want to hear all of your opinions!!!!! 💖
Ooooh, gosh. I’m going to be honest with you, I haven’t rewatched Death Note in AGES, so my memory of so many plot points and details probably leaves a lot to be desired. That, and I’m sure that if I rewatched the series now, a lot of my opinions will have changed. For that reason, I shall not be answering all the questions, but I have picked out the ones I do have half decent answers for. Silly ones, but I hope you enjoy them all the same! I should definitely rewatch the series soon.
3 headcanons for (insert characters here): Bad news, all of my headcanons revolve around the most mundane shit imaginable, but they bring me pleasure!
Rem - So, Shinigami evolved to the point of never having to eat, but we know that they do so for pleasure. They especially seem to gravitate towards sweet food and they all seem to have favourites that they eat to the exclusion of all others. Ryuk has his apples, Sidoh loves chocolate, and Calikarcha is partial to blueberries. It is easy to assume that Rem has no favourite, because we never see her eat, but I think that she does. Rem’s favourite treat is king cake, in particular the king cake served at Mardi Gras in New Orleans. We never see her eat, because she cannot get hold of that cake in Japan and she always wants to be by Misa. Upon confiding in Misa about her guilty pleasure, Misa said, offhandedly, that she would try to bake her one, one day. She never got the chance.
Ryuk - This one is a bit silly, but we get a lot of hints throughout the manga, anime and related series that Ryuk loves cutesy things. Misa is one of them. I think Ryuk gets on very well with Misa. He and Light may understand each other better, but he has a more affectionate relationship with Misa. They share an enjoyment of cheesy TV dramas and trashy reality shows. They both like baking and dancing. They even give each other gifts sometimes. Ryuk frequently examines Misa’s plushie collection, so as a sign of friendship, she let him keep one. A pink bunny, which Ryuk keeps sat in a corner and occasionally picks up and pets.
Mello (and Matt) - Mello fucking loves hagsploitation cinema (movies featuring scary old women). It’s such an unexpected thing, but he has a collection of hagsploitation films, from the best to the forgotten, on VHS. His favourites are “Whatever Happened To Baby Jane” and “Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker”. Matt’s favourite film is “Clerks”, partially because it’s very funny, but also because he likes to fantasise that his life would be similar to that of Dante and Randall, had he never been whisked off to Wammy’s as a child.
2. 3 fandoms views you don’t agree with: I don’t think I’m about to say anything groundbreaking here, but here I go.
“Light was corrupted by the Death Note” I seem to remember you making a post about this one some years back, and getting a whole lot of shit in response. Like, yes Light went down a slippery slope, but it looked to me like he used his own two feet to get there. I just hate it when people remove responsibility from Light, because that sort of defeats the point of his character to me. Besides which, from day one he just came across to me like the type of guy who was one missing order of French fries away from beating the servants with the stiffest switch from the tree, so yeah.
“L was in love with Light” Listen, seriously, ship whatever you want chaps. No hate to you LawLight shippers, it just does not work for me. I absolutely do believe that Light had a fat hate crush on L, but I do not think L felt the same way. Is L a bisexual king in my opinion? Yes. Do I like he fancied Light? Maybe a little. But for me, this is no soulmate situation. Sorry. I was sad that L died, but I felt absolutely no remorse for the end of his relationship with Light.
“L was faking absolutely everything about himself (in other words, he was faking all of his autistic-coded traits)” Ahem...Nooooo he wasn’t!
14. Most intriguing rarepair: Okay, I have a few, so just hear me out. First of all, I have to mention LMello, which you got me into with your galaxy brain takes <3. Just recently I’ve been loving the idea of an alternate universe where Ryuk is Misa’s Shinigami, because I honestly think they would be so cute together. The ultimate same-interests couple. In yet another alternate universe, I love the idea of Rem and an older and wiser Sayu going up against Light. Sorry, but I somehow could never see Misa being interested in Rem, so I wanted to give her a different girlfriend and Sayu is perfect, in my opinion. Also, Rem/Kinddara Guivelostain (the female Shinigami with the fissure down the middle of her head). It appeals to my love for “viciousness personified having space in their heart for kind, tender soul”. That is this pairing.
16. Favourite behind the scenes insight: This is not even actually a behind the scenes insight, but I’ve never forgotten it. Basically, the Shinigami realm was originally conceived as being full of chunks of old metal and piles of rubble, or something to that effect. An information site that I once read must have been fucked around with, because the quote was written there as being “full of chunks of chocolate and piles of cookies”, and that had me so intrigued for ages. When you consider how the Shinigami love sweet food, it actually would have made sense.
19. Character interactions you would have loved to see: I would have loved to have seen L actually interact with the Wammy kids, I think that could have been so funny. I think the thing that always comes to my mind, is your post when you talked about L assaulting Near over Yahtzee stratagems. That killed me. I wish there were more interactions between Shinigami and humans. I wish Rem got to interact with people who didn’t treat her like dirt. As I’ve said, I’d like to have seen Ryuk and Misa have fun together. Matt deserved a few more scenes interacting with Mello, too, for sure.
21. Song that reminds of (insert characters): Again, multiple answers for this one!
Mello - “Infa-Red” by Placebo (basically any song by Placebo is a Mello song, but this is a good one)
Matt - “What A Waste” by Ian Dury and the Blockheads
Rem - “Hard Time Killing Floor Blues” cover by Chris Thomas King
Ryuk - “I Walk On Gilded Splinters” Dr. John The Night Tripper
L - “Life Without Buildings” by Japan
Misa - “Puppet On A String” by Sandie Shaw
Near - “I Dream Of Wires” Gary Numan
Thanks so much for this ask, buddy! It was a lot of fun to answer!
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swordofazrael1992 · 3 years
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every single character in daredevil is autistic and you can fight me on that
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tobebugjewce · 3 years
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THE WALTEN FILES: my jumbled notes on my blind run-in with this web series
first off this is gonna be long and unorganized, also this is my second time writing this as i had lost literally half of my progress and im This (imagine two fingers almost touching with a 0.0000000001mm distance between them) close to ripping all of the fucking hair out of my goddamn head. but now this will be extra long and yes, i will lose some accuracy to my first writing but thats okay ill probably edit this a kajillion times over
which brings me to my next tangent; im literally braindumping here. so to have a smidge of organization all afterthoughts, edits and corrections will be boldened, i forgot what im gonna do with italicized text but ill probably bolden it here yeah im pretty sure its for side tangents, separate from Corrections, which are in bold. also theyre for emphasis too.
so in general, this post right here is all of my notes i wrote down on my grid-patterned sticky notes (which i used WAYYYY too much of) about the first 3 uploaded walten files youtube videos transferred onto my handy dandy digital notebook, this b(l)og. yeppers peppers. you know im serious about this shit when i typed probably over like a thousand fucking words including boldened shit, italicized shit and motherfucking links, lost it ALL, and im sitting here re-typing it again.
i feel bad about this but im not gonna trigger warn right here, but this is technically a warning. if you want a list of triggers as to what this post (and the walten files in general) i will link a little list to that here
without further a doo doo, (mama mia) here the fucking fuck we go again.
THE WALTEN FILES - VIDEO #1
clarifying this now, im gonna put some useless shit which i thought was code onto this because even though it was useless it was part of my notes and im physically going to combust if i dont put down every single thing i wrote on my papers. so what i thought was code was in the closed captions, i started writing it down when i got to the second video but came back to my first videos notes to include them. i wrote down the first letter to every word that was capitalized in the closed captions, which i had on as a default because number one i knew going into this id need them because most web horror things like args and cryptic shit like that has some of the most crucial shits in the closed captions. number two i am autistic and have auditory processing issues and have most closed captioning on as a default if theyre available.
firstly jotted, i wrote down the closed captions “code” so im gonna put the rest here too: HYWITB(BSI)Y A(BSI)BJWFKWITW ILHHFSBBSBTLBWI USOISTBNBSFIRBCAWHSHCBWHTAIGRNB*C*BTWLTSFA(20)MCFP ILITIIACPH(1978, 1979)SA(4)YTSCH*C*OGSSU SFTGRPATDBBUTFBNLLCHMIHLBRALLCLAYTUKB*LC*WHATWASTHATTHING 
the numbers in parenthesis are there because i wasnt sure they should be included in the “code” or not. i also thought of this with the BSI - bunny smiles incorporated and also the years 1978 and 1979. the shits in asterisks are coughs and light coughs, which were capitalized in the closed captions so i included them too just in case
i then jotted, in parenthesis of course, the names of the animatronics when they were listed in the animation section of the video; bon aka the blue bunny, sha aka the sheep one, boozoo aka the clown<3 honk<33, and banny aka the purpled eyelashed up one who is also a bunny btw. also i got boozoo the clown and boozoo the mustache guy confused because apparently the clowns name is billy???? but they named “boozoo” in bons sleepover and showed the clown? idk maybe im an idiot and theyre the same or just an idiot and theyre different or a super mega (matt and ryan?!?!??) idiot in general which is probably the case
i started drawing little stars to write down things i thought would be super important or to 100% look at again. the first subject of this pointy torture was the part of the video where at 3:00, i marked it down to make sure to reverse the audio as it was most definitely a weird audio that has that signature warp-y effect that makes sure you KNOW its in reverse. i then listened back to it Very carefully (still got it wrong) and got this: “you finally start to remember. that old doll. they will look out for you soon” im also pretty sure i heard “sophie” at the end of that audio but im not entirely sure and dont remember and i dont wanna go back to check lmfao but anyways it didnt matter because i was wrong anyway. after i had finished all 3 walten files i watched the film theory video on the walten files (which didnt cover all 3 but was dece.) out of curiosity and to hear matpats signature silly little voice explain some stuff i already knew, and click some shit in my brain that i couldve thought up of if i was a bit more... i dont know honestly. anyways yeah so the actual audio is “you finally start to remember. that old day. they will look out for you soon.” so yeah. day, not doll.
i then wrote down “sarah evelyn”, the name on the bons sleepover animation (i dont remember if she created it or animated it or whatnot) and scribbled will she matter? under her name. turns out no, as i didnt see her name in the rest of the series, let alone the first video. this is also a great time to mention how matpat theory helped me realize that the walten files are collections of videos, uploaded onto youtube by anthony. (i already knew about anthony as he signed his name in the descriptions of the youtube videos, making me categorize this overall web series more into an arg type genre.) but yes, the tapes, recorded “irl” footage, animated clips, vhs tape recordings and other audio-visual content is all collected and labeled the walten files, as i had mistaken each video to be a tape. stupid me. alrighty, onward!
i starred this one, good for me; MISSING: Jack Walten LAST SEEN: 06/11/1974
i jotted down with an arrow that; sophie was a nightguard? she was wearing the uniform explained in tape 2 i dont know why but i went back into my video 1 notes after i had watched video 2. organization purposes. i guess.?? 
i then paused the video when the screen flickered a date, the beginning of video footage dated 10/10/1982 (Brian Stells?) god my little genius ass assuming the videographer was brian stells, based on the id card i saw earlier.
i then wrote down what text i saw on the dead, mangled, bloody body in the purple security suit; “i cant feel anything” “he thought i was her” then drew a little arrow pointing to; thought brian was sophie? or ashley? i also starred the name Brian Stells this is totally out of order LMFAOOOOOOOO also i wrote down ashley because, again, my little pea brain went back on my video 1 notes after watching video 2. but yep thats all i wrote for The Walten Files 1 - Company Introductory Tape
THE WALTEN FILES - VIDEO #2 
Tape #1 - created 07/02/1978
awesome how thats first and foremost in the captions. god. so sexy of you martin walls. /j /nsx
this pack of notes is chunkier because again, like i have mentioned before i am an absolute goober and thought the capitalized letters of the words would actually mean something. I MEAN MAYBE THEY DO AND IM JUST DOING IT WRONG but i stopped doing it after this video because holy shit it was exhausting and my stupid little fingers couldnt take the writing anymore becasue i am WEAK. 
so write off the bat (squeak) i wrote down 197[] the blacked out rectangle over the last digit of that year and everything im also now assuming its probably 1978 or 1974 because lore reasons but whos to say but yeah i also wrote down this;
Tape #2 - created 08/13/1978
then, straight up in the beginning of the video i caught it, the flash of text, as i had by now realized i gotta be SUPER stupid focused on the screen in case i miss anything, i wanted to be crazy precise on my theorizing and mental notes, among other things. but yes i saw it, the first half of a youtube link;  “https://youtu” 
claps hands together and rubs them evilly. oh yeah baby. thats the hot lunch. this shit right here? the cats pajamas. lets fucking go.
i wrote down this goofy shit i pasued to inspect when i saw bon sorting through a file cabinet and naturally scribbled down the labels and other written things i could see on the files; 
relocate X/X/75 felix
storage K-9 07/23/1975 felix k(ranken)
Bons Burgers 06/28/1974 Jack Walten
Shipping Service 1975
New Location -> 1982
i also wrote down more goofy shit, like when banny was created for some reason; in 1974
starred, i noted to go back and reverse the audio at 5:09, when played back, i didnt write it down so i dont remember. lmao.
i also marked to screenshot and brighten the darkened image i saw at 5:20, i was going to do it on my phone then realized i can just do it on my computer so i quickly took a screenshot, brightened it and wrote down what i saw; a missing person poster that read MISSING: SUSAN WOODINGS(?) Last seen: 1974 i was very unsure of the spelling of her last name because the image was so goddamn low quality and grainy but its what i saw. this is where tape #3 gets thrown in, which im gonna type again because i like how the formatting looks;
Tape #3 - created 07/09/1978 (BEFORE tape 2?!//1/1??? its more likely than you think)
i wrote down more dates, any dates i saw, i jotted down. i wrote; 
Technical Support 1978 
then, 
Brian Stells (for some reason i dont remember right now)
alrighty this is where the stupid capitalized letters come in, but before it looks like i vomit a keysmash time infinity on this, ill put down the little inbetween things i wrote in the midst of the caps lockalypse like timestamps and stuff, so here you go;
- Reverse at 8:16 which i did but of course didnt write down what i heard. i think it was too warbled to hear anything clear out of it, or it was just the good ol auditory processing issues fucking me over yet again. WAIT yep yes i did here it is: “rosemary would go to the restaurant every night hoping that [her] beloved husband would reappear after being missing for weeks but no response until one day [s]he heard a voice [saying] ‘i know where he is rosie’ coming from the back stage” the bracketed stuff is the corrections, i misheard the audio and thought the audio said “his”, “he” and “singing” like a nimrod
- Brighten at 10:14 which was another missing person poster, but i dont think it had any information on it because i didnt write it down, just;
- Sophie again (pic at 9:08?) (dismemberd and put in Sha) i was stupid and wrong haha idiot it was rosemary who was put in sha but anywho
i starred and underlined a huge thing i discovered which was;
- Walten had 3 kids which i dont remember how i found out but it doesnt matter, its good important info i uncovered.
- Tape #4 - Unkown Date
- recorded 07/12-07/14 1978 
- Hilary B, Ashley P & Kevin W i made sure to get these names down as soon as i saw them on screen but then realized shortly after i wouldnt really need to have it as the closed captions made sure i knew which person was talking by using their first initial (capitalized of course) before each line of text. this is the perfect time to announce the arrival of the clusterfuck of capital letters, which is going to include colons which will indicate that the letter before it is the initial of the person talking. without further aedue, here comes another chinese earthquake;
TCWTSTATO(K-9)TBSSFWFCNEHAWBSUBIUC(BSIIDC)OWHISF INBIJTILNSPL(K-9)LCSCKCCCWTTLTLITTTYROTFAJAMHPYYSTCSPMBBWSBIB H:NTPPCCK:DA:HH:YCPRPMWTCBCRAWK:JH:SYYTCPBACPSTBAWCA:TK(?):FMTTCMK:TCPNOA:DTOFK:ITNPPRA:YBUTIRRFH:HKIBESRAIA:TCK:WA:WPCCFTRRIDPEH:GGK:GPA:LKK:WA:HNCGTKMK:YH:IGKA:ESK:MFH:RK:HILRLBNTRPPUWHITRRTPEIFEPH:YWBEBPK:MAHPBTRPTRPEL(LN)HTACPKLIKHPFITSKLTKLB(LB?)ISIBSUBIPRW AEBATHSPUAICTPURTWBBRPHTRTIIIILTCITCUCCP S(bpe, be)WA”IDCPBPSIB
holy shit its finally over okay now onto some MORE of what i wrote down in between and also after that keysmash attack;
12 doors? (backrooms) 27? 26? i was unsure because ashley was unsure too lmfao
found cassette (6/11/78) <- says “discard”? yeah it did
Tape in clown audio, speaking voice; jack, susan, charles(?), rosemary, sophie, last word sounds like “walrus” it was walten lmfao
Ashley died? yeah she did lmfao OR AT LEAST I THINK SO??
starred this one, Reverse @ 17:06, then got this;
“they left the next day, they thought ashley left early, but she was in the backdoors, screaming as much as she could, but no one heard the screams, the following days the caretakers would complain about an awful smell coming from the backdoors, company decided to shut down facility until new advice, the relocate project was unsuccessful. ashley is still there, but she is not screaming anymore, she saw something she wasnt supposed to see and now shes beautiful” the phrase “shes beautiful” was repeating like a bajillion times in that wall of text. then, god motherfuckng bless: 
at 17:23 i found the other half of the youtube link, “.be/k07QqEDOfQ” i pieced that bad boy together as instant as i think any form of ramen could never be, but remained ever patient. because i made sure to jot down this before moving onto my next segment;
@ end of vid 2, “shadow man sees* me when lights go off” im an idiot *it was actually “feeds” not “sees”, which AGAIN, i only found out after watching the stupid little film theory video *begins snarling and foaming at the mouth*
okay im not proud to admit im editing this to post it and realized ive lost my notes. well. 
might as well post what ive got! if i find my shit ill add onto this, i suppose.
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noromojustkeith · 5 years
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Pippythewriter submitted to noromojustkeith:
Okay, so I’m Pippythewriter. I’m fanwriter who has been lurking in the shadows of various fanfic sites for several years. I’ve been reading fanfic since April of 2013. I’ve been a (relatively) silent part of the Voltron fandom for a little over a year now, and a lot has happened since then. I want you to know that after many years of not understanding my feelings towards other people, your blog personally helped me discover that I’m ace, and that that means a lot to me. Through your Tumblr I’ve found a handful of others in the same place as me. So in return I give you this story. It may not seem like much and it’s very choppy, full of typos and antiquated info, but I’ve never shared my writings and I thought this was a good start. I hope you enjoy. Introducing, October 23rd.
My apologies for taking a little to get to this submission; been away this weekend at a family event. But this was so neat to find when I opened my inbox today! I’m thrilled to hear that this blog has had such a positive impact on you, and flattered to death that it encouraged you to share your writing! (Which, by the way, you did a great job on! You have given me EMOTIONS!)
The fic in question is under the cut!
October 23, 2066
Kyle Kogane knows only 3 things right now. First, he is now 18. Second, he LOVES racing on his hoverbike. And third, because of the other 2 things he’s never felt freer in his life. That is, until he crashes. One second he’s speeding across the desert and he’s feeling the wind in his hair, and next thing he knows he’s got a cut on his eyebrow that’s sure to scar with his arm broken. His parents lecture him on how he should know better than to do things like this at his age. And he and his little brother Kent just nod their heads. Of course, mere moments after his parents leave the room his brother is at his bedside raving about how cool that was. Kyle promises he’ll teach him how some day.
October 23, 2067
A year later and that race seems miles away, standing at his parents grave hugging his sobbing brother close to him. He doesn’t cry, not until his brother’s safe in bed next to him after crying himself to sleep. Then he finally lets go, and makes a tearful promise to his parents that he’ll try his hardest to do better. To be the big brother Kent deserves, and maybe, to someday be even half the father his was.
October 23, 2071
A few more years have passed and now Kent’s on his own, and Kyle’s a firefighter. He’s working hard to save people from what he couldn’t save his parents from. He married a beautiful woman, they had a child that he loves more than all the stars in the sky. He loves her, Krolia, too. He misses her dearly, though he knows that she left to protect them. Which may sound like an excuse, but to be fair the survival of earth actually depended upon it. Now Keith’s a year old and the spitting image of his mother. Keith misses her dearly as well and is making it known by wailing his little heart out. He hasn’t said any real words yet, but Kyle isn’t worried, as Kent didn’t speak until he was 5 and he turned out fine… Well, mostly fine. Anyway, so he does the only thing he can think of and swaddles the kid and takes him out to see the stars. Surprisingly enough, it works, and Keith starts gurgling and laughing happily.
“I don’t know how, but I think you just figured out where your Mama is.”
October 23, 2075
Keith’s 5 now, and is about to start kindergarten. Kyle’s temper flares when they want to put him in the CDC class just because he still has trouble with verbal speech. He tries to explain to them that he taught Keith Morse code, and that if he has a nonverbal episode, he’ll use that. Eventually though, he has to compromise, and they agree that Keith can go to mainstream if he takes speech and if he sees a therapist. Kyle reluctantly agrees and after several hours with the behavioral therapist, they get a diagnosis. Autism. Keith, has autism. They want to put him on medication for it, but Kyle refuses. On the way home from Keith’s first day of school Keith has a thoughtful look on his face.
“Daddy?” He asks.
“Yes kiddo?” Kyle replies.
“What does retard mean?” When Keith asks that Kyle almost crashes the car.
“Who called you that?” Kyle bites out angrily.
“Why?” Keith asks.
“Keith, tell me who called you that.” Kyle repeated, trying to keep the anger out of his voice.
“His name is James, but what does it mean?” Keith asks, nothing but innocent curiosity in his eyes and Kyle sighs. Kyle was hoping this wouldn’t happen at least for a few more years.
“It’s…” Kyle tries to gather his thoughts. How do you tell your autistic 5 year old that he just got called the allistic version of the N word? “It’s not a very nice thing to say.”
“Oh…” Keith replies, eyebrows furrowing. Before Keith can question further, Kyle interjects.
“How’d you like to get a soda to celebrate your first day of school?” Kyle asks, and Keith’s face lights up.
“Can I get strawberry fanta?” Keith asks and Kyle chuckles.
“Okay, just this once.” Kyle concedes, and the way Keith’s beaming is almost worth the headache he’ll get later from Keith bouncing off the walls (red dye number 5 is a truly terrifying foe)
October 23, 2080
Keith will never forget his feelings that day. The utter terror of facing an early death. The pain of the flames licking his cheeks and the smoke in his lungs. The crushing loneliness of realizing that he was all by himself. And the all consuming guilt that his father died saving him. Kyle Kogane died a hero at 31, just 3 days shy of 32. He survived by his 10 year old son and his brother who couldn’t take care of him because of a technicality. Keith remembers his dad’s last words to him.
“Keith, when I’m gone-” Kyle started, but a sobbing Keith interrupted him.
“No dad. You’re not gonna die. You- you can’t! You- you just can’t!” Keith stuttered, and Kyle stroked Keith’s long hair through his fingers like he always had to soothe him.
“Keith, you know I love you more than all the stars in the sky, but this is out of my hands. But no matter what happens I want you to remember that I love you.” Kyle said fighting off his own tears.
“N-no y-you-” Keith stuttered.
“I’m sorry kiddo.” Kyle said, as he closed his eyes for the last time. These are the things Keith will never forget. But there are things that he won’t remember. His first social worker’s name, the first family he was placed with, even the first year after his father died. He won’t remember not speaking aloud for that year, though he frantically tapped out Morse code to anyone he thought might listen. And years later he would forget what their home together looked like before it went down in ashes, no matter how hard he’d try.
October 23, 2085
“Shiro?” Keith asks tentatively, and he gets a warm smile in return.
“What is it Keith?” Shiro asks.
“Can you take me somewhere? Tomorrow?” Keith asks.
“That depends, where do you want to go?” Shiro asks.
“Nevermind, forget it.” Keith says, not making eye contact.
“Keith, I have to know where we’re going. Otherwise how are we supposed to get there?” Shiro tries to lighten the mood but Keith still won’t look him in the eye. Shiro sobers. “Keith, what’s going on, huh? What’s wrong?”
“I… The place I want to go to is a graveyard.” Keith states vaguely.
“Okay, which one?” Shiro asks, and Keith, of all things, blushes.
“I- I’m not sure what it’s called. It’s, the one in the city? For… For ‘fallen heroes’? I think…” Keith asks, unsure.
“I think I know which one you’re talking about, I can take you there.” Shiro replies, smiling reassuringly.
“Thanks.” Keith says.
“Okay well, if we’re going to make that trip tomorrow you better get some sleep.” Shiro states, firm but kind.
“That’s all you’re gonna say?” Keith asks, confused.
“What else would I say?” Shiro asks.
“You’re not gonna ask me any questions?” Keith asks, afraid of the answer.
“Why would I?” Shiro asks curiously.
“I don’t know, just… I don’t know.” Keith trails off. Shiro gives him that same reassuring smile.
“I figure you’ll tell me when you’re ready.” Shiro shrugs, and Keith finally looks at him.
“Thank you.” Keith replies empathetically.
“No problem kiddo.” Shiro says, not knowing what he’s gotten himself into. He finds out at 5 AM when he hears a knock on his and Matt’s door. Thankfully Matt is still (not after waking up, but STILL awake) awake, and answers.
“Why if it isn’t Kashi’s shadow? You want me to get him? SHIRO! Keith’s here for your late night escapades!” Matt yells, Shiro groans.
“It’s 5 in the morning Matt.” Shiro says and winces when he realizes his mistake.
“Well then someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Matt says and narrowly misses the pillow that Shiro throws at him. “Sorry Keith. But it looks like it’s too early for your hero to do the one thing-”
“I’m up, I’m up.” Shiro protests and proceeds to get up. “Just give me a second to get dressed.” Keith nods and Shiro gets dressed. “Okay, let’s go.” The ride to the graveyard is silent, with Keith looking out the window with a solemn look on his face. “Alright, we’re here.”
“Can… Can you wait in the car? I won’t be long.” Keith asks, the tentative tone returning.
“Sure, take all the time you need.” Shiro reassures. He thinks he hears Keith mumble 'thanks’, and Keith leaves the car. While Keith’s gone Shiro catches up on his emails and gets sucked into a bizzare pun war with Matt and his little sister Katie.
“Okay, we can go back now.” Keith says as he gets in the car, and Shiro can’t help but notice how his voice wavers.
“Buckle up.” Shiro states and Keith nods, once again refusing to make eye contact. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.” Keith shrugs, buckling his seatbelt.
“Alright. But I’m here if you need to talk.” Shiro says, and is met with a contemplative silence.
“My dad was a firefighter.” Keith whispers so softly that Shiro almost doesn’t catch it.
“That’s cool. Did he save a lot of people?” Shiro says, and quickly realizes it was the wrong thing to say because Keith flinches. “You sure you’re alright?”
“I’m fine.” Keith states weakly, but Shiro’s getting more because Keith’s shaking now. Shiro pulls over.
“Keith, Keith it’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready.” Shiro tries to reassure Keith, but he’s inconsolable at this point.
“No! No, I… I have to.” Keith states almost resignedly.
“Are you sure?” Shiro is met with silence. “Keith…”
“You deserve to know.” Keith says, and this time it’s said with the determination that Shiro remembers.
“Okay, take your time.” Shiro reassures softly.
“My dad, he… He was the only one who cared about me. For a long time it was just the 2 of us. When I was 10 there was… Our house caught on fire. He gave me his breathing mask… We both got out but… He died a couple of hours later in the hospital. It was a little over 5 years ago.” Keith was trying so hard not to cry at this point and Shiro could tell.
“Keith I’m…” Shiro starts, but trails off. Instead he decides to start stroking Keith’s hair, not knowing that Kyle would have done the same thing. Keith finally breaks down, and Shiro pulls him into a hug. “It’s okay Keith, I’m… I’m not your father but I’m here. And I’ll never give up on you.”
October 23, 2087
Keith hasn’t gotten off the couch in 3 days. It’s been 2 months since the Kerberos went offline. 66 days since the Kerberos crew was declared dead. 1589 hours since Shiro… 3674598 minutes since he became alone. 94608000 seconds since he found someone again. 5720400000 milliseconds since he became alone again. Keith so desperate for a distraction that he used the calculator to do the math. He had to get up, so he did. He took his old hoverbike to the graveyard and visited his dad’s grave.
“H-hey dad I…” Keith trails off and there’s no one to stop his impending breakdown now. He wants someone anyone, to come to him and stroke his hair like Shiro, or like the father he tries so hard not to forget but finds slipping away little by little. He remembers both and cries himself to sleep when no one comes.
October 23, 2088
The day after the incident with Lotor and the storm planet is the day Keith’s been dreading all week. He hides in his room and turns off the lights. He knows that he messed up, that he should apologize to the team, to Allura. But the person he really wants to apologize to isn’t here and it’s his fault. And as if the universe wants to punish him there’s a knock on the door.
“Hey Mullet. Come on, open up!” It’s Lance, obviously. Keith doesn’t have the energy to argue so he opens the door wordlessly and let’s Lance in. “Hunk made those amazing arepas for breakfast you have t-”
“Lance is there something important you want to talk about?” Keith says, feeling guilty but wanting Lance to let him suffer in silence.
“Well I just wanted to cheer you up, but since you insist on being the broody loner why don’t we talk about how you totally demeaned Allura’s idea that she was totally right about, by the way.” Lance states angrily.
“I messed up okay! You try leading!” Keith retorts defensively.
“Here we go again! Keith gets to be leader and he’s pouting about it!” Lance replies.
“Do you think this is easy?” Keith asks.
“I think we deserve better!” Lance answers.
“Do you think I don’t know that?! Do you think I WANT this?!” Keith yells, and Lance is taken aback.
“What?” Lance asks, startled.
“How do you think I feel?! Knowing I’m failing the team, that I’m failing the ONE PERSON THAT CARES ABOUT ME! Knowing that my dad would have been 40 today and that the universe would have been better off if he’d put the STUPID MASK on himself instead of ME!” By the end of his rant Keith is panting and tears are running down his face. Lance doesn’t know what to say.
“What did that last part mean?” Lance asks, afraid of the answer.
“What?” Keith asks.
“The last thing you said, the part about your dad.” Lance answers.
“What are you talking about?” Keith asks and Lance gets upset.
“You KNOW what I’m talking about, the part where you said you SHOULD HAVE DIED instead of your dad.” Lance states on the verge of tears.
“Just forget about it.” Keith blows it off.
“Now you see I can’t forget it, because ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS JUST SAID THAT THEY WISH WERE DEAD, and that is NOT I repeat NOT okay!” Lance is crying now.
“I’m sorry.” Keith chokes out.
“You don’t have to be sorry, you just need to ask for help.” Lance states firmly.
“I just… I don’t know how.” Keith stutters, still holding it in. Lance pulls him in for a hug, and strokes his hair. Keith finally let’s go.
“… Lance?” Keith mumbles.
“Yeah buddy?” Lance asks.
“I… I need help.”
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How can they officially diagnose autism? Didn’t you show signs during childhood and puberty? Like how did you suddenly decide this? X
I’ve talked about this at length in other posts but I can go through it again. My entire life I have known something was wrong.  I am no like other people. I have tried to fit in and it never worked.  When I was young I would watch the people on tv and try to be like them thinking “They act like this, and they have friends and people like them, this must be how I’m supposed to act.”  It never worked.  I moved on to people in movies when I was older but again I just got classified as “weird” My mom got sick with COPD when I was 5. By the time I was 8 she was bed ridden and I was taking care of myself.  My dad worked about 100 hours a week running a family business in a town where the oil boom had just gone bust.   I got myself up, I got myself food, I dressed myself, I made sure my dad got up and took me to school.  I had no friends, no one to talk to, no playmates. I played by myself and listened to records my older sisters and brothers left behind. My mom died when I was 12. Beyond the age of 9 I have no memories of anyone ever telling me “go to bed” “eat” “brush your teeth”  “do your homework”   I learned about sex from romance novels and my body from health class and aside from my dad saying “Don’t be a whore like your sisters” and “You are NEVER dating”, I really didn’t have much to go on. My dad died of cancer when I was 20.  I remember tearing through all of his files, so sure I’d find a slip of paper that said “you daughter is_________”.  But I didn’t.  My older sisters and brothers treated me like I was retarded.    And then there was the day I realized all those people in school that I thought were my friends were laughing with me but at me.  So there was about 5 years of thinking I was retarded, but then I realized.
Not man people diagnose adult autistics but it is coming out more and more that females are overlooked adn that female symptoms present differently than males.   I never received special education services so that could not have been it.  So then I just figured I was insane. I had no support growing up other than food and a roof over my head and medical attention if I absolutely had to have it. When I got into teaching and began my certification, I learned that because I am so old, had I been diagnosed as a child, I likely would have been institutionalized because until the late 70′s, autism was seen as severe mental illness. I survived an abusive marriage where I learned not to talk, to make myself as small as possible and not rock the boat, but I found salvation online.  However, every friend that I found online that I related to, were half my age.   I also self harmed for 3/4 of my life. So the more I studied autism the more I connected it to how I felt and the things I did.  Then I met Matt who did horrible things to me in the end but in the beginning, when we first met we sat down and talked.  Matt is autistic and everything they said I was like “omg, I do that”  “I’ve felt that”  “that’s happened to me.” I took a battery of tests online where a 12 was completely neurotypical and 122 was severely autistic.  I scored a 59..  There are many articles now about how women are overlooked in diagnosing and how women’s symptoms present differently than men. My sister and another ex best friend laughed at me when I told them I thought I was.  To get a diagnosis is very expensive, but I have to for my own piece of mind. Things are bad socially at work, I am shutting down again.  I have a supervisor who is not very tolerant and gets frustrated with me and my short attention spans and my inability to know what I’m supposed to do unless someone tells me explicitly.   Once my part of the meeting is over it takes ALL I have not to daydream and I’ve gotten in trouble for that too.  I’m very..............independent.  One thing my dad drilled into my head was “never tell anyone your problems and do more than your share”. Last year the dept head/supervisor got really mad at a stupid mistake I made (reposting a story about a teacher selling pot brownies b/c the teacher looked like someone we worked with on my private facebook page.  Someone saw it and I was nearly  fired for it----that’s the kind of town I live in) and she made the remark that she had to do everything for me and she had to basically dumb everything down to make it easy for me.   I wanted to kill myself.  I really did.  I have worked myself to death my entire life and the worst anyone can say to me is to imply that I am lazy or incompetent. I want to understand so I can do better.  If everyone wants to hate me, that’s on them, but I’ll be damned if the reason they hate me will be that I am not doing my job.  If I can understand what I have, I can understand how to work around it and get the cheat codes to pass for normal. My top symptoms: Inability to understand.regulate the volume of my voice I can hear but cannot understand what is being said---auditory processing problems I have words and phrases stuck in my head for years Have no idea when to talk in conversations Unusual habits/stimming having to watch tv/movie to know how to act as a kid no friends my own age still have the same obsessions as I did at 15
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teaguoe · 5 years
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Falling For The Enemy Leader
John was on a mission for his gang. He was a spy in the Banana Bus Gang. Evan assigned him to go undercover and ‘join’ the Misfits to figure out what they were planning to do. The Misfits were their rivals, the group was known for their hellish plans that got people around them killed three of which were apart of the BBG. Those three being Jonathan or Delirious, Craig or Mini Ladd, and Ryan or OhmWrecker. John was known as Kryoz and everyone only knew that portion of him. No one knew of his existence, the BBG keeping him a secret. He was quiet on missions and never let anyone know his real name unless they were close to him and those people were limited, only two people knew his real name and those two were his best friend, Jaren, and the deceased Craig. John arrived at the base he’d been watching for a week in order to know how the group of six worked. He knocked on the door, glancing around to make sure there weren’t any traps. After a few minutes the door opened showing the leader of the group. He was a tall New Zealander who looked as if he were melting. His skin was blue, yellow, and magenta, instead of eyes and a nose there was a white F surrounded by an O. It was as if the man in front of him were experimented on and was a fail. John looked up at the taller male and smiled softly. The New Zealander smiled back, seeming confused as he had tilted his head. Despite the lack of eyes and nose it was simple to tell his emotions.
“Hello?” He questioned, confusion lacing his voice. John felt a tightness in his chest at the voice of the taller male but ignored it, not breaking his chilled appearance.
“Heyo.” John said, “I wanted to see about joining a gang and yours was the second I thought about, that Banana Bus Gang is full assholes and refused.” He casual explained, technically telling the truth about them being assholes. Tyler, Luke, and Evan changed after the deaths of their boyfriends. Tyler and Luke became cold hearted, yelling at the others when annoyed and not thinking about the consequences. Evan became quiet and serious, getting onto anyone who joked around which made the rest bitter. He on the other hand wouldn’t listen and stayed himself, he’d end up in fights with Tyler resulting in him having bruises afterwards. He currently had a large bruise on his chest but would ignore the pain as he had many along his arms and back from previous events he had never touched up on.
“I’d have to discuss with the others but you can come in...” The taller male’s voice broke his thought.
“Johnathan.” John said, claiming his dead name he hadn’t used in years as he preferred just John. The taller of the two smiled down at him, causing his chest to tighten up again.
“Well I’m Fitz, it’s nice to meet you Johnathan.” Fitz said, “Come in, you can sit on the couch as I talk to the others.” John nodded and walked in, thanking the taller male as he walked past. Once inside he noticed all eyes look in his direction which made him slightly tense at the attention. Fitz walked to the group, them quietly conversing as John sat on the couch.
After what seemed like forever they all walked to the new person. John looked up at them, blinking.
“You can join.” Fitz said causing John to grin.
“But if you betray us it’s your head.” A male with a Dark Souls helmet said. John nodded, understanding the consequences.
“So what shall his code name be?” An Australian with no hair questioned.
“Kryoz.” John spoke up, causing them to look at each other and nod.
“Kryoz it is.” Fitz said. The way it had sounded coming from the taller male soothed John though he didn’t show it. “These are Swagger, McCreamy, Zuckles, INotorious, and Toby.” The New Zealander said, pointing to each person as he said their names. John nodded and smiled softly.
From then on John worked for both gangs, only going back to the BBG once a month with as much information as he had gotten. In the days he had gathered information he also learned a lot about each person which he didn’t share with the other gang. Fitz or Cameron(he figured out) was indeed a failed experiment, as he assumed, the man having had multiple issues with the injections he was given. The injections caused him to change color, lose his eyes and nose and even caused him to be able to turn into a liquid. Swagger never showed his face and would just always keep on his helmet no matter what, which had reminded him of Delirious who always kept his hockey mask on. Swagger also had a drug problem, he’d smoke weed all the time and would occasionally do LSD. McCreamy or Jay had split personality disorder, one minute he’s himself and the next he’s some dude named Ainsley. John had ended up getting used to the disorder after a month but during that month, he was confused as hell. Zuckles or Mason was known as the ‘Autistic Fuck’ and John had quickly found out why. He’d been scarred a few times and would occasionally avoid the autistic male. Toby was the gayest of the group. He’d wear female clothes and John couldn’t deny that the male looked fabulous. Toby had multiple voices he could do which was cool to John. Lastly, INotorious or Matt was the brains of the group. He’d make sure one of the others didn’t get hurt and was second-in-command. The group felt closer to him than his real group, they all had made jokes and none were bitter. John got closer to Cameron in particular, having caught feelings for the taller male from the beginning. He didn’t know why he felt that way about the leader of the Misfits. It was probably the way he laughed or the fact that his smile brightened up a room in the matter of minutes. But he couldn’t have fallen for the enemy leader, the same man whose group killed three of his own. He was the cause of the hatred and bitterness of his original group, but here he was falling for the enemy like a fool and he knew it. He must’ve gone insane, he’d gotten himself stuck in the middle of the rivalry. John got snapped out of his thoughts due to a suddenly worried voice.
“You okay John? You look like you’re guilty.” Cameron’s voice was laced with worry which caused the shorter male’s chest to tighten.
“I’m okay, just thinking.” John said casually, brushing it off as if it were nothing. Cam just nodded and sat down next to the American. This caused John to tense up a little as he looked up at the New Zealander. His eyes suddenly widened as he felt soft lips on his own cracked ones. He just sat there, dumbfounded and frozen in place. He regained control of his body once the leader’s lips left his, he looked up at Cameron in shock. “Wh-what?” He managed to questioned, blinking as he could feel his cheeks burn up slightly.
“S-sorry, I just need to get it off my chest...” Cam sighed, “.... and words wouldn’t form in my mouth.” The leader explained. John blinked before moving onto Cameron’s lap. The American had gently kissed the New Zealander who melted into the kiss. They heard wolf whistles from the others but ignored them, enjoying the gentle kiss they were sharing. At that moment John knew which gang he belonged in, the one with the love of his life. The Misfits.
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