#listen i just want to feel represented (kind of) by my boy

[hyunjinspark]

star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 17

pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader

genre: friends to lovers, so much angst, smut, fluff, set in the idolverse, mutual pining, unrequited love, forbidden romance, slowburn (!!!) soulmate au, star-crossed lovers

synopsis: working in a quaint little art store, you’ve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but you’ve never met somebody like him. there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that he’s always wanted to, but what he didn’t anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned. 

word count: 31K

warnings: cursing, drinking, heavy angst, mutual pining, sexual tension, kissing, mature language, making out, jealousy, references to injuries, unrequited love, fighting, arguments and confrontations, hyunjin is mean, mentions of weed, post-breakup behaviour, passing mention of threats, a guy makes yn feel physically uncomfortable

a/n: most of this chapter contains heavy angst, yn is thinking about hyunjin 90% of the time, and it's a very different pacing from usual, but i enjoyed writing this a lot :) i hope you love it too! please get comfortable with snacks and a blanket to read. you can listen to my star lost playlist here!

important: all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.

masterlist

The romantic movies you’d watched growing up always skipped over the hard parts. 

The break-ups in them were just a short montage set to the soundtrack of a sad song. The main female character would have given up all hope, drowning her feelings in ice-cream and wine, and just when she hit rock bottom... somehow the boy would find a way back to her. The audience would cheer even though it was so predictable, and the credits would roll. All the sadness would be overshadowed by a firework-worthy reunion kiss, and a stupid Happily Ever After. 

If only your life right now could pass by like a montage. If only you could hit fast-forward, and skip to the day you feel better. 

You were never much into Greek mythology, but you had read Percy Jackson in middle school, and the myth of Sisyphus always stuck to you. He was condemned to roll a rock up a mountain for eternity, but the rock would roll back down to the bottom every single time. It was a cruel punishment because he could never achieve his goal. 

Forgetting Hyunjin was a Sisyphean task. It was futile, in every way. On most days, it almost felt impossible. You could always try, and push yourself really hard, but he would always be there at the bottom of the canyon. Homereminded you of him, of all the good times there — bumping into him at Aera’s, plunging into freezing water with him at the creek, kissing him in the meadow of the fireflies, sloppy and wet but enchanting. And so did this city. The lights of the skyscrapers, the culture, the fashion, they all screamed his name. It didn’t help that his pictures were plastered all over every big billboard, every bus stop shelter, each subway station. Perhaps to forget him, you’d have to run away to a remote cabin, somewhere in Europe, where you could paint your life away and never look back. Yet wouldn’t that be useless too? Everything beautiful in your life would be forever linked to him.

“What are you thinking of so deeply, Y/N?” A voice pulled you out of your sad tangent. You’d been sketching in your notebook, mindlessly doodling, drawing circles and squares. 

Jeonghan was slumped in the chair opposite yours, his own sketchbook balanced on his knees, but he hadn’t drawn for an hour now. He was too busy listening to a podcast on those big headphones he never let go of. Minnie was supposed to join you today, but she was running late from a date with Jamie, so for now it was just you and him. There was so much noise around you, a constant buzz and chatter of people in the coffee shop, so you raised your voice to be heard, “I’m thinking of…how romance movies are all bullshit”

His eyebrows shot up, and he sat up straighter, clearly not expecting that. You suppose it was a bit random, “I’m sorry?”

Now that you’d brought it up, you had to explain it, and you struggled to find the words, “They’re all such cookie-cutter depictions of romance. The same formula every time. You don’t think so?”

His eyes narrowed, suspiciously, “Well, who broke your heart?”

You shut your sketchbook with a snap, “Nobody. I’m just talking”

“Clearly you think I’m stupider than I actually am” He pulled a hand up, and started counting on his fingers, “You’re not eating, you’re not sleeping, you’re only painting of blue and depressing things, you…didn’t even laugh at a single joke of mine in class today”

“Maybe because they aren’t funny”

“And you now think romantic movies suck. That’s the telltale signs of a breakup”

“I’ve always thought they suck… That doesn’t mean anything”

“Okay” He laughed, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, “How about the fact that you all but ran out of Pegasus and went white as a ghost when you saw that guy in the elevator?”

You stilled, staring at him. It’s been days since that incident, but he’s never brought it up till now. You had never given him a chance to. You realised you’re an expert in deflecting when it comes to matters of Hyunijn. You pulled at the spiral binding of your notebook, “He was just an old friend”

“You reacted way more than someone would…to an old friend. I’m not going to judge you, you know that? I’m from fucking LA. If I started judging people, I’m afraid I’d never stop”

You sighed, looking down at the coffee table, “He’s just someone I wasn’t expecting to see. It brought up old memories, shit I’d like to forget now. Let’s…talk about something else, please”

He released a breath, looking around, “Fine. I think I’m gonna get another cup of coffee. You want one?”

“No, I’m good. Coffee keeps me up at night”

Jeonghan stood up, lanky frame hovering over you, lips pressed into a thin line, “Don’t blame coffee for that”

With that, he walked off to the counter, and you stared at the empty chair. You’re trying hard not to think of that evening, after you walked out of the storage closet, out of the Pegasus building and straight home. You had felt a new kind of pathetic… and to make it worse, your apartment keys had refused to cooperate. It’s because you were shaking the whole way home. You’d dropped them on the landing multiple times as you made your way upstairs, the shrill sound the only thing snapping you out of your daze. Even your hands had shook as you tried to get into your apartment.

You’d crawled into your mattress, and you’d cried yourself to sleep. Your pillow had muffled the sounds and it wasn’t even satisfyin. Your tears felt empty and forced. The numbness…was real. What were you even crying for? Hyunjin had made it crystal clear since day one that nothing could happen between you, so you shouldn’t have expected him to suddenly change his mind. 

“I got you a cupcake” Jeonghan sat back down, a red velvet cupcake in his hand, a Cafe Mocha in the other.

It just hurt that he’d given up on the two of you, before you even had a chance to try. It was…a horrible memory, and your chest hurt at it. “I don’t want it, sorry”

“Suit yourself” He shrugged, peeling back the paper wrapping so he could take a bite out of it. The white frosting smeared on his nose, and he smiled at you. He’s a good friend, but you’ve been nothing but miserable the past few weeks. It’s bad for you because this is not the time for drama. You’re working on real stuff now in art class. You’re past introductions, and over the bunny hill. You have an actual assignment, and that’s the reason you’re here in this cafe, trying to brainstorm ideas for it. This artwork matters more to you than anything else lately, because it feels like a last plea for happiness. If your professor actually likes it, then you won’t feel so useless anymore. Time lately feels like it’s slipping through your fingers, wasting away, precious days blurring together into sadness and nostalgia. You used to count the seconds until you could live this life, but what you’re feeling right now…that’s not living.

How can you be creative right now, when all you hold inside you is bitterness? All this time, you’d held on to some minuscule hope, that one day things between you and Hyunjin would be all right. That maybe one day he would give into what he felt, and you could actually be together. It was almost …like a given. How could he kiss you like that…and not want it for the rest of his life? A part of you had imagined it all — the future you could have had with him, the relationship you could lead with somebody who knew every bit of you.

You’d been surrounded by good people your whole life, but the impact Hyunjin left on you was incomparable. His thoughts, the way his brain worked things out, the kindness with which he approached life — you couldn’t hope to find that in anybody now. It was special to only him, and more than anything, you couldn’t forget that. You couldn’t forget the beautiful things he kept hidden in his mind, in his heart. The first few weeks you’d known him…it became obvious what he would mean to you. In the silliest of ways, he even finished your sentences…How could somebody be so perfectly built for you, but not be meant for you at all? 

Maybe the romance books were to blame for making you believe there was someone perfect for you at all. Soulmates were an urban legend, and a red string of fate didn’t exist. But then why did everything pull you together all this while? It couldn’t have been…for nothing.

Were you the one to blame for imagining an actual future with him? You’d never even had the honor of calling him your boyfriend, how could you hope for anything more?

The logical step was…to move on. So that’s why you’re here, painting in the new coffee shop, and hoping it will help. Jeonghan helps, kind of. He’s funny, and he’s got a large personality and an even bigger sense of humour, and you wonder how he fits it all in his lanky frame. He’s a perfect student and on top of that, he’s helpful. He’s always sharing his supplies with you in class, and he’s genuinely so amusing, if not mildly annoying sometimes, but with Minho and Felix you’d gotten used to it. He was humming now to a song you don’t recognise, his music taste is very different from yours, and he suddenly asked, “Why do you think I moved back to Korea?”

Your brows furrowed, and you randomly guessed, “I don’t know…An American girl broke your heart?”

“Bingo” He bit into the cupcake, crumbs falling onto his button-up, and on his ripped jeans, “She kissed my friend at a party. Right in front of me”

You’re surprised to hear that, and even more so that he’s openly telling you. Maybe talking freely about the past is moving on. So you told him, in solidarity, “My best friend dated the boy I like”

His eyebrows shot up, and he leaned forward, pausing the music on his phone to give you his whole attention, “Did she know you liked him?”

“No…not really”

“Then you can’t really blame her I guess” 

“I don’t”

“So you blame yourself? For liking him?”

“Nothing I do could have made me stop”

He tilt his head, “Is that so?”

You chewed on your lip, “I liked him for a long time before my friend met him”

“Then why didn’t you ask him out?”

“I didn’t know his name at the…time”

His eyes widened, a smile forming, “Oh…now I’m really, really curious”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past now”

Jeonghan sighed, “You know, this is a record”

You reached for his cupcake, and bit into it, it was too sweet and you hated red velvet but you wanted to feel something, “What do you mean?”

“That’s like the most I’ve got out of you, Y/N. You’re a pretty closed book”

You’ve never been told that before. You're usually always oversharing. You have to try to be better. Maybe divulging the details of your life isn’t such a weakness or vulnerability. It’s hard to explain to anybody about what you’re going through, the only person who’ll understand is Kairi, but you haven’t talked to her since that time in the park, when she brought Hyunjin up and you came crumbling down like a house of cards.

You feel so weak lately, like a balloon about to be popped, stretched to your limits. You can’t accommodate any sadness in you anymore, and any mere mention or thought of Hyunjin breaks you down. You’re trying your best though. Yeonjun is sad you don’t hang out at his place anymore, after all it’s not his fault there’s a billboard of Hyunjin right across. Falling apart felt it’d be more climatic and sudden, but it’s more of a gradual process than anything. Even now, sitting in this pretty shop in Seoul, your chest pains at the memories. The hurt is so immense sometimes you have to clutch your chest waiting for the pain to pass. It’s like a heart attack every time you think of him. You can’t remember how it used to feel when it didn’t hurt. 

In the past few weeks, you’d have had a lot of selfish thoughts and wishes. Some of them are cruel in a way that you can never say it out loud. You feel guilty for even thinking them, yet most days when you’re alone in your bed and you crave him, you wish he never became an idol. Hyunjin without the fame and without his music was still the same boy inside. Hyunjin without the frills was the kid in the art store you fell in love with all those years ago. 

You wish he could just be yours, to love forever, not the entire citys’. Forever was a long fucking time but you felt capable of it, of cherishing him for the rest of your life because he made it so easy. But you should have taken the hint when he cut you out of his life, without even leaving a phone number behind. If you hadn’t come to Seoul… it was entirely possible he would never have seen you again. He would have left you behind in the town, and never looked back. To him…you were just a girl he messed around with in the summer. So temporary. So forgettable.

You wish you could pick apart your brain, and take out every memory of him, but you feared there’d be nothing in you left then. Loving him took up all the space in you. Missing him did the same. Jeonghan was speaking to you still, wondering why you never shared too much about yourself, and you shrugged, “I don’t know. I just want to focus on now. I hate feeling haunted by the past. It’s paralysing, to be stuck in those memories”

Jeonghan’s eyes narrowed, this is a pretty serious conversation for this cafe, but he asked, “You ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? The movie with Kate Winslet and that one dude…um, Jim Carrey?”

You’ve stopped sketching entirely now, you hadn’t made progress in hours. It goes without saying that ever since you saw Hyunjin in the city, your inspiration has been lost. You’ve been searching for it ever since, in new friendships, in new coffee shops, in conversations like this, “I…haven’t, but Felix, my best friend loved that movie”

He leaned forward, excited to explain to you, “Well, in the movie this couple’s broken up, and they hate each other, like absolutely loathe each other. So there’s this futuristic procedure where they can choose to erase memories of their lover, and the girl…she does it. It’s too painful to remember the boy she loved”

“Oh?”

“Mmh” Jeonghan’s eyes twinkle as he explained and you wonder if he and Felix would be best friends if they met; they talk about movies with the same passion, “So the guy, he starts going through the procedure too. But as the memories of their relationship start being deleted, he realises he doesn’t want them to be erased after all. They loved each other, and their time together was so special to them. That shouldn’t be forgotten. It’s a cool concept, right?”

You’re listening to him, and the noises of the cafe have faded away, “Yeah. It’s cool” You’re playing the movie in your head, wondering what you would do if you were in it. Would you alter the chemistry of your brain so Hyunjin never existed in your life? It’d sure be easier than trying to move on, which was…useless.

Jeonghan suddenly frowned realising you ate some of his cupcake. The proof was in your hands which were covered in white frosting. He leaned over the little table, “I thought you didn’t want the cupcake” 

You apologised, “Sorry. The frosting was good”

“Is that so?” He grabbed your hand. He’s touchy sometimes in class, so you weren’t too surprised. But in a single swoop, he licked the frosting right off your hand, tongue swirling around your finger for a brief second, “Eh, could be better. Anyway, do you want to watch that movie with me? You could come over after you finish the artwork”

Before you could even process what just happened, a tote bag slammed onto your table, and you both jumped. Minnie grinned at you, standing by, “So did you guys finish the assignment?”

»»————-

You are supposed to paint your most dominant emotion. It’s an important task, because you’ve to be graded on it. It’s due today. The thought of being evaluated for your creativity terrifies you. You don’t feel good for anything right now, but this is what you signed up for. Your supplies are sprawled across the apartment floor, and you’re forcing each stroke onto the paper, trying to paint a semblance of anything. You want to prove your worth in the art studio. You haven’t been too interactive in class, you’ve been at your lowest, but this meant so much to you for the longest time. So you’re trying really, really hard.

There is music playing from your phone, a mix of calm songs you’d put together months ago. Hours had passed, and you’ve fiddled away at your canvas, trying to fix every little detail. You stayed up nights in a row, finishing the painting and it was honestly a good distraction, for the most part. If Kim Jieong loves it, then perhaps you’ll stop being so sad. You will yourself to just fill in the gaps of your artwork, to correct the error in your ways so that it can be perfect for the presentation today.

But it was almost time for class, and if you didn’t leave now, you’ll be late. You stare at the painting, breathing a sigh, it doesn’t look half bad, “Well…this is as good as it’s gonna get”

As you roll the canvas up so you can carry it to class, the song on your playlist changes and within seconds… Hyunjin’s voice fills your bedroom. It was a song from the new album. 

You freeze, recognising it instantly, goosebumps rippling up your arms and legs. It’s a ballad, and his voice is soft and melodious. Once upon a time it was comforting. Dread fills your stomach. You hate this song. You hate his voice. You can’t listen to him ever again. Your phone lay across the bedroom floor. You need to turn it off. In your hurry to scramble for it, your hand slips, and your elbow knocks into a glass of muddy paint-water. Before you could even process it, the liquid tips over. Within seconds, helplessly you watch the wave of liquid destroy your art. It seeps across your entire canvas, ruining everything you’d worked on for weeks.

It becomes a glob of colors and it’s so funny and pathetic you couldn’t even cry or be frustrated. It’s your carelessness to blame. The only thing you can do is turn the fucking music off.

You feel stupid, showing up to class with that. When you arrive, Minnie was presenting her piece already. It’s gorgeous, and her painting is about love. It’s obvious in the way she’s drawn a portrait of what’s supposed to be her girlfriend, Jamie. There’s strokes of red for her hair, and pink and warm tones all over. Jamie is drawn so beautifully, accentuated features, so much personality in a single portrait. Does she know how beautiful she is in her girlfriend’s eyes?

Jeonghan goes next, and he’s painted triumph. It’s more abstract than a lover’s portrait. It’s smart, and it’s confident, and it’s full of gold accents. You feel ashamed thinking of your own work. You slide the rolled-up canvas behind your desk, and hope nobody notices it. Like a zombie, you’re applauding for everyone’s work, and your hands clap every few minutes, but you’re not even looking at anything anymore. Analysis and appreciation is out of the question. Your own failure is far too distracting. 

Then, Kim Jieong glanced at you for the first time this morning, expectant eyes, anticipating smile, “Come on up, sweetheart”

The rest of the class had apparently finished, and you’re the only one left. It’s easy to lie through your teeth, “I’m sorry, Mr. Jieong…I forgot”

His eyebrows shoot up, and confusion is evident in his gaze, “Forgot what?”

You can feel your friends eyes on you, “I forgot about the assignment” It’s better that he think you’re careless rather than not talented. Jeonghan’s gaze on you was deathly, because he knows you’ve worked on nothing else the past few days. This was the only thing you’d been sleeping and breathing. This was your turning point. Your hope for happiness.

Your professor nods, “I see…”

“I’m sorry” Your voice was small and pathetic but you don’t even feel any remorse. Sadness is so present in you that there’s no room for guilt. You stare at your table, not wanting to look anybody in the eye, especially as he speaks, “These assignments are for a reason, and I hope everybody knows that. We don’t wake up and come all the way here to waste each others time, do we?”

You curl up in your chair, pulling your jacket tight around yourself, and your eyes sting. You could feel his stare of judgement at you as he addressed the class, when you’re the only one at fault. Everybody else did the work. Minnie’s gaze was burning into you too, but you didn’t look up for the rest of class. It’s childish. You just feel embarrassed. You count down the minutes until it’s over. You’re going to go home and redo everything, and hopefully he will forgive you for your lack of tact.

As soon as it’s time, you grabbed your bag, rushing to leave, but his voice echoed through the class, “Y/N. Please stay back. I need to talk to you” 

The dreadful words make you stop in your tracks, but you were already at the door planning your escape. Minnie pinched you in the stomach as she left, “Good luck, babe”

You turned around, clutching your bag to your chest as everybody around you exits, and you know you’re being judged right now. This is a class for professionals. Heartbreak is not an excuse. You take a look at him, “Is everything okay?”

The professor crosses his legs on the stool, seemingly relaxed, and he didn’t look mad, “Just need to discuss something with you. I’ve been thinking about it for a while”

“Okay…” You breathe, running the possibilities in your head. Is he just upset, or is it possible to actually get kicked out of this program because of your fucking carelessness?

Jeonghan stops in front of you, “Should I go ahead, or do you want me to wait for you?”

Your professor was quick to interrupt, “Nate, I appreciate you sticking up for your friend, but I’d like to speak to her alone”

Your heart warmed at the thought that he was going to stay back for you, “It’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow” You told him, even though you crave his comfort. Soon, the rest of the students trickle out of the classroom, dillydallying and slow to move with no care in the world. You stand by there, waiting patiently as Jieong wraps up his work, packing up his bag and things. As soon as everyone’s gone, you apologise, “I’m so sorry about forgetting the assignment. It was really irresponsible of me, and I can explain”

“Except you didn’t forget” He looked up at you.

“Sorry?”

“The canvas behind your desk. You didn’t really do a great job of hiding it”

“That’s… not my assignment” You protest, “That’s…nothing. It’s a mess”

He got up, “Then you won’t mind if I take a look at it?”

“I promise you, it’s nothing. It’s not worth…” You trailed off, watching as he makes his way there. He unfurls it, and he’s quiet for a few minutes as he stares at your botched painting. The artwork makes no sense. The canvas is completely ruined, and a kid could have done it better. He turns to you, disappointed. “Can you remind me why you’re here, Y/N?”

Your heart breaks even more, “I promise…I’m gonna do better next time”

He steps closer to you, “That’s not what I asked you, Y/N. Why are you in my program? That’s what I want to know”

You’re suddenly finding it hard to breathe, and your mind is blank. There’s no fucking space for your thoughts or for logic or reason, when it’s just been corrupted by memories he left behind, “I’m here… because I’ve always wanted to be”

“Do you think that’s good enough?”

This behavior of his isn’t even out of nowhere. You’ve been a horrible student of lately, you haven’t paid attention, your enthusiasm has been curbed, and your paintings have been tacky and upsetting. You swallowed the lump in your throat, “I’m really trying to be better. I’m…sorry for disappointing--”

“I’m only disappointed because you lied to me”

Your eyes shoot up to his, and his gaze burns you, “What?”

He crossed his arms, stepping close to you until there’s no personal space anymore. There’s no venom in his tone but you know he’s masquerading it because unlike you, he’s a professional who knows how to deal with people like you, “You can’t just choose what you want to do on a whim. That’s not up to you. That’s not what my program is for. This canvas is your assignment. Why are you pretending otherwise? Why didn’t you present it to the class?”

“Because I fucked up”

He didn’t flinch at your usage of the swear word, and he ran a hand over his face, “What emotion were you trying to convey?”

“Peace…”

“And is that how you feel? Peaceful?”

“No…” You sighed, “I feel horrible…” There was a lump in your throat blocking your airways. The pain in your chest was returning. You’re angry at Hyunjin for doing this to you.

“Can you please tell me what’s going on? You didn’t even meet the mentor I took you to see all the way to Pegasus for. Those field trips aren’t optional. I didn’t take you for some city tour. I wanted you to meet Karina. Those opportunities are important. If you miss those… you might as well not be here. This program is for people who value that, we have no room for freeloaders”

Your eyes shoot up to his, panic rising, and your eyes sting with tears, “Professor Jieong—”

“Can you sit down for a minute?” He stepped forward, hand going to your lower back, leading you to your seat. You feel awkward at the touch; the greenhouse studio is empty right now, it’s just you and him here. Would you have to beg him to let you stay in this program? Just like you begged Hyunjin to stay with you? He stands across you when you sit, crossing his arms, a pensive look in his eyes, “I receive…more than ten thousand applications for this program every year. There’s only twenty spaces in this classroom though. I couldn’t possibly look through all the applications myself. You’re aware of that, yes?”

It's hard for you to focus on his words when you only want to cry. In all this fucking sadness, you may just be losing the most important opportunity you ever got, “Yes…”

“I have a team that does it for me. They’re all trusted, close associates. All artists of course, and with all their idiosyncrasies they have a unique way of viewing the world. They hardly ever mess up in finding talent, but earlier this year, one of them did”

“What do you mean?”

“Your file didn’t come in to me. You were sent a rejection, weren’t you?”

The reminder is a punch to your gut, even though it’s in the past and irrelevant now. 

“Did you never wonder how you got in…even after being rejected?” He asked, lips curling up, as if knows the secrets of the universe and is indulging you in all of them. He’s going to tell you it was a mistake after all. You weren’t meant for this. You’ve fucked up so bad.

You wipe the single tear on your cheek as you look up at him, “To be honest…I just decided to take the blessing, and not question further”

He smiled, eyes crinkling, “Of course you did. Well, I think you’d be interested to know how you ended up getting in” You’ve never questioned it until now, and you’re anticipating his next words, "On a hot summer morning, I was supposed to catch a train up north to visit my parents. It was my day off…I don’t get too many of those here” He laughed, “But obviously, I missed the train. Instead of taking the next one, I came back to my office. When I did, I saw your file. It was in the rejected pile, but I took a single look at it and I knew there’d been a mistake. I knew that you had to be in this program. Somebody must have overlooked it, and I’m thankful I saw yours”

Your eyes widened, “What do you mean?” 

“I chose you, Y/N. Everybody else in this class was picked by my peers, by the committee, but you…I picked you myself, so you of all people shouldn’t be falling behind. You have an innate talent and I respect that a lot. I don’t want to be disappointed by you in the future. I know it’s intimidating to join in the middle of a semester, but you…belong here. Don’t question that. Don’t let it fuck you up”

You were dizzy with his compliment, perhaps this validation is the only thing you needed. You didn’t deserve this kindness, “You have a lot of confidence in someone who fucked up their painting so bad, Mr. Jieong”

“If I didn’t, you wouldn’t be sitting here, Y/N” 

“Right…um, thank you” Your lips tugged into a smile, and your chest felt lighter for the first time in a long time. He picked you. 

“That’s the problem with your generation, you’re always doubting yourself so much” He chuckled again, “Imagine if I’d taken that train to see my parents. I’d never seen your application. It would have been such a shame to not have you here with me”

You nodded, standing up to leave, grabbing your things, “That’s a crazy coincidence… Why didn’t you take the train though?”

He shrugged, carrying your canvas for you, so he could walk you out, “They’d closed down the entire platform for a few hours, so couldn’t even if I wanted to”

You frowned, switching off all the lights and glanced at him as the room was plunged in darkness, “Huh. I didn’t know they do that…”

“I didn’t either, but apparently some famous guy was returning to Seoul that day. I’m guessing a lot of fans wanted to see him, there was too big of a crowd. So they ended up shutting down the whole platform. Made me miss my damn train”

“A… music artist?” 

“Yeah! You might have seen it on the news. He’s one of Pegasus’ artists actually. I think he’s also a painter, like you. 

The pain in your chest returned with a bang, “Oh…”

He laughed, “This city and its obsession with celebrities. But I guess if it wasn’t for that… you wouldn’t be here”

“Yeah…”

His hand landed on your shoulder, trying to comfort you but nothing could, “I guess that’s why they say coincidence is just another word for fate, huh?”

»»————-

Unread messages flooded your inbox. Some from Yeonjun, most from Felix… You haven’t ignored them on purpose. You just haven’t had time or the energy to get back to them. They all read the same anyway. Asking about your life in the city, and how it feels to live your dreams. A part of you thought it’s the universe being decidedly cruel to you — reminding you the irony of how you’ve never been this miserable in your life.

And then there was one from Kairi. 

hey! i hope you’ve been doing good. i went to this cute new cafe in gangnam and i thought of you.  i feel like we ended things on the wrong note. could we maybe have a redo of last time? if that’s okay with you

You don’t reply, because you have no idea what you’ll even talk about to her. It’s creepy to pursue friendship with Chan’s ex. You’re supposed to be moving on, not just from him, but from his entire world. 

Your phone buzzes again and it’s a text from Minnie on your group chat. It’s just you, her and Jeonghan in it. You don’t talk too much here, just make plans for class and coffee. So you were surprised at what she had sent you. Maybe she feels pitiful after the way you embarrassed yourself in class earlier.

minnie: so you’re not gonna believe this yn.

yeah? 

minnie: i have a friend of a friend, and he saw a picture of you on my instagram. he thinks you’re really fucking hot.

who?

minnie: just some guy. anyway, do you want me to set you up with him?

noo. please don’t 

minnie: wait you didn’t let me finish. he works in the city, and i haven’t met him yet but my friend said he’s smart and funny. he seems like the kind of guy you’d like?

you’re trying to set me up with someone you’ve never met yourself?

minnie: omg its called a blind date girl

no dates. please.

minnie: all right :( anyway jamie and me are getting drunk tonight. do you wanna come?

You were trying really hard, to make casual conversation more often, to just be a normal fucking human who isn’t heartbroken and defined by your love for someone, so you said yes. You bought a bottle of wine from the store so you could bring it for them, as a gift for inviting you over. 

Minnie’s place was…nice. It’s in the higher end of the city, and she definitely comes from money. You were gathered around her dining table, and you’re sitting with your knees up on her chair. Jamie was lying on the couch across you, and she’s very tipsy already. A glass of wine was balanced on her stomach, and they’re telling you the story of how they met — through mutual friends on a night out in the city, apparently it was love at first sight, and Jamie had asked Minnie out only days after they first met. You didn’t opt for alcohol tonight, instead, you were digging into a large tub of chocolate ice-cream. 

Minnie was sitting cross-legged on the table, in her pajamas, “And then, guess what restaurant she picked for our first date? This…candle-lit fucking expensive place! I was so impressed, and kind of embarrassed I wouldn’t match the vibe—”

“But you looked fucking hot” Jamie interrupted, “We flirted the entire night, and then…we fucked on the very first date. At her place”

“Whoa…” You smiled at their story, tasting another spoonful of ice cream, “And…when did you start dating? Was it soon after that?”

“It’s embarrassing. She asked me to be her girlfriend…the same night” Minnie giggled, covering her face in her hands. She was definitely very tipsy, and you’d only seen her this cheerful around Jamie. In class, she was much more composed and serious, and it’s nice to see the side of her around her lover. She’s so much more open, and happier here.

“Oh” You realised, “And you’ve been together…three years now?”

Minnie grinned, shrugging, “I’d already fallen in love on the first date, no matter how stupid that sounds” 

You smiled at that, and then buried yourself into the ice-cream cup again, licking flecks off the steel spoon. Minnie nudged you, snapping you out of it, “Are you ever gonna tell us what happened with your ex or are we supposed to guess?”

“Minnie…” You rest your head against the wall, “It’s really not as interesting as your story”

“Y/N….” She whined loudly, and she had made her way through the second bottle of wine, the one you’d brought, “You don’t trust us? I promise we’re not gonna judge. Please, please, please”

“It’s not about that” You sighed, but her excitement to know your past was endearing, “I just find it depressing to talk about”

“Well. That’s what we’re here for. How can you move on if you avoid it forever?” Jamie sat up, blanket wrapped around her, and Minnie even shifted closer to you. This felt nice…to have friends here, in a city you couldn’t call home yet.

She was right. The past shouldn’t be your vulnerability. You sighed, staring inside your empty cup, “Well, then I’m gonna need a hell of a lot more ice cream”

“Um, so this is about the guy you mentioned right? The one you had lost touch with?”

You knew you’d be asked this story one day. You had to tell this without naming names. You couldn’t compromise Hyunjin like that. To them, it would just be a guy from your town, not an idol, not someone famous. You curled up your legs, ripping open the plastic of the brand new strawberry ice-cream tub, “I don’t know where to start honestly. It’s kind of a long story, but…um, I had this crazy crush on a boy in my town. He was really cute. He was kind, and funny, and…really really fucking hot” 

Minnie and Jamie laughed at that, eager ears as you continued, “I didn’t think anything would happen between us, because I thought he was into my best friend. Turns out he wasn’t. Me and him ended up kissing one night, it was romantic as hell. I kind of felt like…the main character in those coming-of-age 90s films. Because he was…so old-fashioned in a way? But also, really modern. He’s so romantic” You paused to breathe and all those memories are flooding back, “I was in this…pretty satin dress, and he was in a suit, with like a cropped jacket, and really cool pants. They fit him so well” 

Minnie lived in a high-rise building, and from here, the city lights blinked in the distance, golden specks lighting up the horizon. The memory flooded through you, clear as day. Two people under the night sky, surrounded by mountains on all sides. He had shown you the stars and the sky. You remember telling him that stars would remind you of him now. He had held you in his arms, and imprinted his words into your soul, “And when I look at the city lights…I’ll think of you”

Was he thinking of you now?

The city lights were brighter than ever. 

“Holy shit. Where did he take you on a date to? The Met Gala?” Jamie laughed, “I didn’t know guys our age even wear suits other than to funerals”

“No, it wasn’t a date date. It was just a fancy event in the town” Maybe you had terrible storytelling skills, because nothing made sense and it was all jumbled up, but they were listening intently so you continued anyway. No words could convey your first kiss with him. No sentences could capture your emotions, the lust, the love. 

“But after that kiss, he regret it immediately. He wasn’t really looking for a relationship. Despite that we kept kissing, over and over…and we didn’t stop. It became a thing, I don’t really know what we were doing” You smiled softly, staring at the skyscraper lights from their window, a kaleidoscope of inappropriate memories projected on the glass. You lost your words, blaming your imagination for the way a film reel of those moments was cast onto the windows. Maybe you really were going crazy, staring at the glass, and seeing him touching you in the reflection. Heat rushed to your face, like your dirtiest thoughts were out on display, but Jamie and Minnie were quiet, and this was all in your head anyway. You took a larger serving of the ice-cream this time, the creamy texture melting on your tongue, “I guess that’s when I realised I was absolutely, insanely in love with him, but… then he had to leave”

“Leave for what? The military?” Minnie’s eyes were wide. Jamie shushed her, “Wait, let her talk babe. You can ask your questions later”

“No, not the military, just for his work, and then…” Then came the hard part of this story, “And then he blocked me. For a few months. I don’t know why” 

They frowned, but they didn’t interrupt you, “I saw him in a shop downtown, and he completely walked past me at first…he ignored me. But when we met later, he kissed me. Then he told me he could never see me again” It sounded crazy told all together like this. It didn’t sound like your life. It sounded like a story from some tacky relationship podcast Jeonghan would listen to, but it was the truth. Their eyes were wide as you finished, and you stared at them, feeling naked and vulnerable, “That’s the gist of it”

“He sounds like an asshole” Jamie mumbled, pouring herself another drink. Your gaze shot up to hers. “Is thatwhat I’d made him seem like? That wasn’t my intention. He’s not an asshole, he’s…really nice”

Minnie frowned, “Yeah. No nice guy would do that to someone he cares about”

They didn’t know he was an idol, and they couldn’t know, so it was frustrating that they’d never understand all of it. How could they have guessed that it was forbidden for Hyunjin to love you?

“Honestly that sounds really fucked up. If he actually gave a shit about you, he wouldn’t have ghosted you in the first place, and then he had the nerve to kiss you? God, men are such dicks. As soon he had enough of the sex, he dropped you?”

They didn’t know all the nice things he’d said to you, or the nice things he’d done for you. You shook your head, “No, guys… it wasn’t just about the physical—”

“Did he ever tell you he loved you?”

You swallowed, “No…”

“And he told you he doesn’t do relationships” Jamie scoffed, “That’s what my friend’s ex was like. He said the same thing, and next year he got fucking married to another girl. This boy you’re telling us about…he’s obviously not going to be single forever, especially if he’s as nice as you say he is. If he actually saw any future with you, Y/N, he would have told you”

Minnie sighed, and it seemed like this very specific conversation about you had escalated into a hatred of most men, “It sounds like a fucked up situationship, and babe… if you give him so much importance it’ll only hurt you. He used you, because you’re so fucking nice. Not that that’s your fault, but…he’s just like every guy I know. They like the thrill of the chase, and when they actually get the girl, they’re bored of her”

A fucked up situationship? Maybe that’s what it actually was. Hyunjin had clearly stated that what you and him had only existed in Daejon. Here you were, calling it destiny, stupidly. Your vision became blurry as tears shot up to your eyes, and it was pathetic because you weren’t even drunk, you were just sad and loaded on strawberry ice-cream, “He’s not like that” 

“Why are you defending him?”

You knew they were wrong. Obviously they were wrong, but is that what this seemed like to the outside world? That Hyunjin used you? Because you were easy…and nice? 

Minnie reached out to touch your shoulder, comfortingly squeezing it, “You can do so much better than him, Y/N. From everything you said… he just sounds manipulative as hell”

You put the empty ice cream cup away, “Yeah” You mumbled, “So…what am I supposed to do now?”

“Get yourself out there! Go on dates. Kiss every guy in Seoul if you want to, if that makes you happy. You’re… fucking amazing. Are you seriously going to wait around for a guy who isn’t even trying for you?”

You’ve never been a casual person, but maybe that is what you need now. You’re done with world-shattering true loves. Even Hyunjin had casually been with girls before you, and the thought stung you that he might even be with girls after you. He only had an issue with relationships…and that’s why he’d pushed you away, because he couldn’t give you one. There’d be thousands of other girls who’d be willing to be with him - no label, no expectations, just sex. Yeah, you did need to get yourself out there. How bad could it be?

»»————-

The text said, Meet at eight.

It’s half past, and your date is not here.

You’d dressed yourself in a tight black dress, very revealing and you could hardly breathe. It was from a fancy store in your neighbourhood, and it was far too expensive, but it’d be worth it for tonight. You did your hair in a style Hana had taught you, and you haven’t dolled up like this in a long, long while. The last time you dressed yourself this much…was for the Paint and Wine event in the Château. Tonight is a first for you and you want to make a real good impression. 

Although, it’s been more than thirty minutes and your date hasn’t shown up. You were sitting at the bar, getting anxious and impatient. Looking around, the place was full, everybody seemed to be on a date, and nobody’s looking at you. Nobody was looking for you. You’re only a little mortified, and the best case scenario is…that he got the timing wrong, or that he got busy and decided this wasn’t worth his time. Minnie told you he’s working, so he obviously has a more hectic schedule than yours. The worst case? That he saw you and left.

“Can I get you anything?” The bartender asked, leaning over the wooden bar, “You’ve been here a while…”

“I’m waiting for somebody to show up. A date…” You explained, and understanding settled into his features. He headed back to the rest of his customers, and you wonder if he’s going to gossip about the poor stood-up girl at the bar. They must see this a lot everyday. This bar seems fancy, your blind date suggested you meet here so he seems like a man with good standards. There’s a dance floor and blaring Latin music, which brings in most of the crowd. You texted Minnie, um am i at the right bar?

shit he’s not there yet?

You decided to order a drink so tonight isn’t useless after all, and you browsed through the flimsy, paper menu. It’s got stains of ketchup on it, and it’s gross but it reminds you that you hadn’t ate in hours. You wanted to be able to fit into this dress and to leave enough room for dinner with him. Your eyes caught sight of the familiar names of drinks that Hyunjin had wanted to make you but didn’t have the ingredients for. You ended up choosing a Tequila Sunrise instead. You don’t really want to taste an Italian Dolce Vita and discover what you missed out on that last night in Daejon with him.

An hour has passed now. You were most definitely stood-up, but you’re stubborn so you would stay until the end of tonight, and if he ever did show up you’d forgive your date in a second. Your drink was empty, you’d chugged it to calm your nerves. Your napkin was soggy, and the other couples who sat at the bar have already made their way to second base: the dance floor where they’re grinding up against each other. You have resorted to playing with the condensation drops on your glass, observing the way the water falls onto the countertop.

A blind date was how this had all started, back in the bowling alley, so why were you getting yourself into it again? Maybe you should have more dignity, and walk away right now, but you were so desperate. If you leave tonight, you’d never work up the courage again to go on a date, and you need this more than anything. You feel so stupid, and maybe Hana’s actions that past summer actually make sense anyway. You would do anything to forget Hyunjin. You’d date …almost anybody to get over him. Even if it’s a guy who kept you waiting for an hour by yourself. 

“Hey. Um. Are you Y/N?” An unfamiliar voice asked. You turned around to see a boy in a maroon button-up. He’s finally here, and your heart calms a little because he’s actually cute. All Minnie had said about him was that he was smart and funny, so it’s a relief that he’s easy on the eyes too. He looked older than you, and he’s got kind eyes and curly hair. Although it’s a bit off-putting that he’s wearing a baseball cap indoors. It felt like you’re both dressed for different occasions, but you are not going to complain. No matter what happens tonight, you can’tcomplain. This isn’t the time to be picky. It’s the time to take whatever life throws at you, because clearly that’s the only way you’re going to find somebody genuinely interested in you.

“Hey, Kang-min, right?” You forced a smile at him, and suddenly you’re so nervous. This is the first real date you’ve ever been on in ages. 

The boy took the empty barstool next to you, and eyed your glass, “Sorry I was late, I had a friend emergency. I hope you’re not drunk already. That’d be mean”

You smiled, watching the way he sat so comfortably like this was routine for him, “It was just one drink. Don’t worry, I just came here too” Just a little white lie so he wouldn’t feel too guilty.

His eyes flickered over your dress, falling to your cleavage, “Did you buy that just for me?”

It was so forward that it caught you off guard. Your eyes widened, and you don’t want to give away how much tonight could possibly mean to you. So you said, “Um. Depends. Do you like it?”

He laughed, gaze on your bare legs and thighs, shamelessly checking you out, “Guess you’ll find out”

You don’t really know what to say so you smile at him, hoping he also likes the shade of red lipstick you’re wearing. He looks around the place, catching a feel for it, and then back at you. He looked at the bartender, snapping his fingers to catch his attention and ordered a drink for himself. A large beer. Tasteful. He looked at you and asked, “So…what’s your damage, pretty?”

“Sorry?”

His drink arrived pretty fast, and he lift the large glass to his lips. In a single go, he finished all of it, and you’re surprised at how fast he drank this. He had foam on his upper lip as he said, “You agreed to go on a blind date. Your last relationship must have been seriously fucked up”

You hoped you masqueraded your frown, “I just wanted to try something new”

“Right…makes sense” He tsked, “So my friend told me you’re an artist”

You smiled, relieved the conversation steered in a direction you were familiar with, “Yup. I study at a studio in the city. It’s an art program under this artist--”

He interrupted you, “I hear artists infamously make almost no money, but I mean you’re living in Seoul. You must be pretty well off” He pointed at you, almost accusatory, a grin on his face, “Let me guess, rich parents. Trust fund. Private school education”

You shook your head, a little offended and surprised that he made such an assumption in five minutes of knowing you, “No. I…I worked a couple of years and saved up for this”

He called the bartender again, to order a second beer and seemed surprised, “That takes some serious hustle. Why art then? You could’ve picked anything in the world”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…not to offend anyone, but there’s no money in art. What’s the point of it then?”

“Um…” You laughed, nervously. You realised that you’ve never been asked this question before. Most people in your life knew you since birth, and never questioned your passion for it, “It’s just what I like to do. It makes me really happy to paint beautiful things—”

“So you don’t paint about real shit?”

“Sorry?”

“I think my personal pet peeve is when people pretend the world is so great and lovely, even though everything’s so fucked up. Seems like you look at the world with rose-tinted glasses, if you only like to paint all the nice, pretty things, and not something that actually matters”

“I think art can be about everything, and that’s the beauty of it. It doesn’t always have to make a social statement, but it can always be interpreted as such. Some art is just about capturing the beauty of our world, and that’s okay too” You forced a smile, wanting to get the heat off you, “Um so you never told me… What do you do?”

He looked at you over the rim of his glass, “I’m a pharmacy tech. In short; I make important phone calls, and deal with horribly annoying people”

So that’s why Minnie said he was smart, “Oh…that must have taken a lot of studying”

“Yeah. Not everyone can do it, but somebody has to” He laughed, “I stepped up. I make good money though. So, um, aren’t you going to get another drink, Y/N or are you a lightweight?”

“I’m good” You smiled, although you were hungry as fuck because you’d been waiting for him so long, “Maybe we could order the food now?”

“Here?” He chuckled, “It’s really not worth it, I only come here for the beer. You didn’t get dinner before this?”

“I…I thought we’d eat together”

He laughed, pushing his curls out of his face, “No, I’d rather get drunk with you…and we can dance”

You looked to the dance floor which smelled of sweat and other things you don’t want to think of, “Maybe we could just talk more. I’ll just get another drink then”

He smiled, then looked at the bartender, “A beer for the lady”

“Actually, I might get wine” 

His eyes narrowed, and he chuckled, “Oh. Let me guess. You want the most expensive one, right?”

You blinked, “Um…no I’m okay with any. The cheapest one is fine too”

He laughed, throwing his head back, “No wine is cheap, pretty. ”

“I can pay for it” You offered. Ugh. You wanted him to like you so bad. 

“No, no, you’re out with me. You should have a real drink” He went ahead and ordered a beer for you. He probably thought you were the most boring girl in this entire city, so you agreed. You needed tonight to go well. Obviously, he wasn’t anything like Hyunjin, but no one could be. If you compared every boy to him, you’d never find anybody. So this would have to do. You sipped on the beer, and it tasted bitter and so horrible, but you swallowed anyway, shooting him a smile. You’d been miserable for long, you needed to let go, and have fun. You could be that kind of girl.

He grinned, reaching forward to grab your thigh, fingers clawing against your skin, “You’re cute”

You were distracted by the suddenness of his touch, and you laughed, nervously, “Thank you. You’re cute too. I like your piercings”

“Yeah?” He tilt his head, smirking, “You’re like the tenth girl to say that to me. I must be doing something right”

You didn’t have much experience with first dates... was it always this fucking awkward? His hand was inching closer up your thigh. You shifted away slightly, hoping he wouldn’t notice. Sure, he was attractive, but you weren’t attracted to him yet. It was too soon. 

“So…you said you’re late because of a friend emergency? What was it?” You wanted hoping to keep the conversation going, and to keep it interesting. You wanted to know more about him. 

“Ugh. Do not remind me” He rolled his eyes.

“Sorry” You apologised, “Is your friend okay?”

“Nope. He ran out of some weed, so I had to run down and get some for him. Even though he knew I had a date tonight and hot girls rank higher in priority than weed”

“Oh…you seem like a good friend”

He was a perfectly cute boy, why couldn’t you let loose? Just because you’d been attracted to Hyunjin from the first time you saw him, did not mean it’d happen with everybody else. That kind of shit was once in a lifetime, and if you started expecting those sparks from every future relationship, you’d be lonely forever. But all you could wish for was him. The way he was around you, how he talked to you… the way your body was on fire when he so much as breathed near you. The thought choked you. There was no way you’d be hung up on him forever. You had to move on. It had to be as fast as possible, and tonight should be it. How often would a guy agree to go on a date with you anyway? 

So, when his hand landed on your thigh again, and slipped under the hem of your dress, you didn’t stop him. You forced a smile, hoping somehow your body would cooperate, and you’d actually start enjoying it. His nails were long, digging into your upper thigh, inching closer to your underwear. 

“Maybe we could play a drinking game or something. To get to know each other better” You suggested. 

“Okay” He agreed, pulling his bar stool closer and leaned in, “Name of the last guy you fucked”

Your eyes widened, “Whoa. You’re getting right to it…” What game was this? Why would he want to know that anyway?

He tilt his head, smirking, “Don’t stall. You have fucked, right?”

Oh… So he just wanted to know if you were a virgin. “Yeah. I have” You tried to change the topic, trying not to feel disgusted at this implication, “Isn’t it my turn to ask you something now? I mean…according to the game”

Kangmin smiled, lazily, running a hand through his curls, “You’re…already playing pretty hard to get though. We’ll have plenty of time to know each other. My place is pretty close. We’ve got all night.” 

So…he probably only picked this bar because he lived close by. Maybe this was his way of flirting with you, or you ended up going on a date with the worst guy in Korea. This was how the rest of your life would be? He leaned in closer to you, and his breath reeked of beer, and you realised in horror that he wanted to kiss you. You couldn’t. You moved away, before his lips could touch yours, hoping your unease would disappear, “Sorry. I’m nervous”

He hummed, almost taking this as a challenge, hand sliding under your dress completely, “A few more drinks then?”

You felt nauseous, instead of turned on. God, what the fuck were you doing here. This was a mistake. You couldn’t do this. “Actually. I’m just…gonna run to the bathroom for a minute” You grabbed your purse. 

He sat up straighter, a smirk on his lips, “Oh? That’s where you want to take this?"

Your eyes widened at his implication, “What? No…I…I just need to go”

“Oh” He looked disappointed, and a little confused, like he couldn’t comprehend why you wouldn’t want to fuck him in a random club bathroom. 

You got up, making your way through the dance floor. When you looked back, he was already ordering another beer for the two of you. You shouldn’t have agreed to this date. You don’t know what you expected. It had surely helped Hana, but she moved on from Yeonjun with Hyunjin. Of course that helped her. For their date, he took her to the coolest Japanese restaurant in Daejon, and a part of you thought tonight could be like that. Of course it couldn’t. That was her. That was him. This was all you. 

It was freezing outside, and there was an alley of smokers right at the exit. Mostly old men, and some younger girls, blowing puffs of smoke into your face as you passed them. You leaned against the brick wall, trying to book a cab, but to your luck, there were none available. Your first instinct was to text Yeonjun, but he was on a work retreat, as far as you remember. Although Jeonghan… had told you he was going to be out in the city today. If he was close enough…maybe he could help you get home. You dialled his number.

“Y/N! how’s it going?” He asked, and then immediately said, “Wait, if you’re calling me in the middle of your date that means—”

“Can you come pick me up? Please. There’s no taxis” You blurted. A few of the smokers were eyeing you up, and you covered your chest with your arms, stepping away from their cloud of smoke, “And um…I don’t feel comfortable taking the train back alone”

He paused, “Uhh…you’re at the bar downtown?” 

“Yeah…I know it’s out of the way. I’m really sorry to bother you, I just—”

“I’m on my way, Y/N. Don’t apologise”

You squeezed your eyes shut in relief. You tried to catch your breath, but there was no fresh air here. Minutes passed so slowly, and you were shivering against the brick wall. Everytime a guy approached you, you just pretended to be on your phone, hoping Jeonghan would be here soon. The back door to the club opened, and your blind date, Kang-min stepped out. He walked straight to you, and he looked…really pissed. You straightened up, watching him get closer. “What the fuck?” He laughed, “I was waiting for you to come back”

“I…I’m sorry” You apologised, “I was feeling sick”

He seemed upset, “You didn’t even pay for your drink”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I just—” You reached into your purse, but just as you did, you spotted Jeonghan on the other side of the street. When he saw you, he did a little jog up to you.

You looked back at Kang-min, “I have to go. My friend is here”

“What?” Your blind date asked, stepping closer.

“Whoa, whoa. Back off, dude" Jeonghan made it to you, eyes narrowed at him, “Let’s go, Y/N” He grabbed your hand, pulling you to his side.

Kang-min laughed, “Whatever. You aren’t even that hot, bitch”

Before you could say anything, Jeonghan tugged at your hand, taking you away from a possible confrontation, “Come on, the subway is close by”

“Fuck. Shit. I’m really sorry” You apologised, running your hands through your hair, trying to process what you just put yourself through. You followed behind him as you walked to the nearest station. He shook his head, making sure you stayed close to him, “No, no don’t be. I’m sorry it took me so long. I missed this stop at first”

Technically, you could have taken the train home yourself, but it was late and…you were in the worst mood. Jeonghan bought the tickets, and you waited at the platform, squeezing your purse in your hands. A little bakery was still open at the station, and he asked, “You already ate dinner, right?”

“Yeah. Let’s just go home” You mumbled. He did not need to know that your supposed fancy dinner date consisted of only cheap beer. You could have some cold pizza when you got home. The train arrived, and you boarded it, standing next to him in a corner, away from the crowd. You were so fucking embarrassed, but he wasn’t judging you.

So no more blind dates for you then… or perhaps it was a work in progress, and you would just have to keep powering through. It wasn’t Minnie’s fault either, she had no idea about the guy being…such an asshole. You stared out at the window as the train whizzed by stations, trying to not feel so sorry for yourself. Jeonghan asked you about the blind date, and you told him the gist of it.

He shook his head, releasing a groan, “That sounds really annoying, sorry. It sucks that most guys I know here are all like that. I’m surprised he even let you leave”

You swallowed, “Yeah. Were you busy when I called?”

“I was just working on an assignment”

“Oh, I’m sorry”

“I’m obviously kidding” He laughed, “It’s a Saturday night, I was at a party at my friends’”

“Oh. Is he gonna be mad you left?”

“It doesn’t matter. I told him my friend needed help getting out of a date. He totally understood. This happens here more than you think, unfortunately” 

Your place wasn’t too far from the bar, and you arrived sooner than you thought. Jeonghan even chose to walk you home, not wanting you to take any deserted alleys on your own. You stopped in front of your building, and he asked you, “You gonna be fine?”

You blew a puff of cold air, leaning against the front wall, “Yeah. I just…I don’t think I should have gone on the date”

He tucked a stray hair behind your ear, smiling at you, “At least you have a funny story to tell the kids”

You scoffed, “What kids? At this rate, I’m going to die alone”

“You’re dramatic. I’m sure the other dates you go on will be better. Hopefully”

“Yeah…” You already dreaded the idea of going on more dates, “I just thought…it’d help me not be stuck in the past, you know? Or maybe the only thing that can help me is that potion from the movie you were telling me about. Eternal Sunshine, was it?”

Jeonghan laughed loudly, “It’s not a potion, Y/N! It’s a science fiction movie, not fantasy”

You rolled your eyes, smiling, “Whatever”

“Maybe we can get you on a dating app. If you’re looking to casually mess around with a decent guy, those are good. It requires more effort, but…some guys are sweet. At least better than the blind date you had”

You smiled, “Hmm. Are you on a dating app?”

“Why? Would you swipe on me, if you saw me on one?” He sounded so coy.

Your eyes flickered over him. Under the lights on the street where you lived, Jeonghan looked pretty. He looked safe. Tonight he was dressed in a simple white tee, a flannel covering him, hanging off one shoulder. You smiled, a flush rising to your cheeks, “No but seriously, thanks for…rescuing me tonight”

“Mmh, that was very damsel in distress of you to call me like that” 

You smiled up at him, “Don’t push it”

“I’m just surprised you actually agreed to go on a date. Minnie and her girlfriend must have had some magical convincing powers”

You sighed, “I thought kissing somebody else would help me. Maybe I should have just let him kiss me, but I might have thrown up if he did. Tonight…was an absolute failure.”

Jeonghan let out a soft hum at your words, “I see”

“What?” You frowned, standing up straighter.

“Ah. Don’t pout. Wasn’t a total failure. I got to see you all dressed up. You’re usually showing up to class in just sweats”

“Are you making fun of my heartbreak?” You laughed, pushing him lightly.

He stumbled back on the curb, laughing, “And are you trying to kill me? Don’t push me onto the road, Y/N!”

You giggled, pulling him back on the sidewalk, “There’s no cars, Jeonghan. You’re so dramatic”

He frowned, throwing his hands up, “I was just saying that if you want to kiss someone tonight. I…wouldn’t be totally opposed to the idea.” 

He floated that suggestion so casually. Your eyes widened at it, and you didn’t know what to make of it, “You’re…joking, right?”

He shrugged, and there was no nervousness, “If your big dream of tonight was to kiss some guy…I mean, you’re my friend. It’s not a big deal”

“So a pity kiss?” You frowned, but a smile tugged at your lips.

He rolled his eyes, “Oh my god. If you don’t want a kiss, then just—”

You didn’t let him finish, stepping ahead, hand grabbing his face down to yours. Your mouth met his, if only to shut him up. He immediately kissed you back, hands threading through your hair, messing up your fancy hair. His lips were rough, but it was nice…because it was different. That’s exactly what you wanted right now, a taste of something new and unfamiliar. Maybe you were trying to prove something by kissing him. He stepped ahead to be closer, and tilt his head, deepening the kiss. Your breath hitched in your throat, and you pulled away. It only lasted a few seconds.

He pulled back too, mouth stained from your lipstick, “Mm. That wasn’t too bad”

You stared up at him, “You’re so annoying”

He hummed, voice breathy, “Your lips are really soft, Y/N. What lip balm do you use?”

You sighed, “I should have just pushed you on the street”

“Ouch. I just gave you a pity kiss and you have the audacity to threaten me?”

“Shut up!” You laughed, shoving him away. You were thankful he didn’t make this awkward and didn’t read into it.

“No, I’m serious. It was really, really good. You’re a great kisser…but I should tell you, and this is really important…”

“Yes…?”

“You taste like cheap beer”

“Ugh…I know” You closed your eyes, feeling tiredness seep into your limbs, “Anyway, I should go”

He nodded at you, “Yup. See you in class tomorrow”

You waved goodbye, making your way up to your apartment, feeling the sensation of his lips on yours still. The kiss was nice…but there was nothing electric about it. It was nothing like what it could be. It’s like you’d taken one step forward, and two steps back. Tonight was all about moving on, but everything that happened had just made you miss Hyunjin more.

»»————-

This time, you bought the coffee. You found a cute table, over by the window, and you waited. Your earphones were plugged in, but it’s on mute, and you’re choosing to listen to the sounds of the cafe instead. The cafe you discovered with your friends was so cute. Plants hung from every corner, and there was cool seating; couches with crochet pillows and pink heart-shaped seats. It had so much personality, and it fuelled your inspiration. It could be your new haven.

The chair opposite you shifted, and Kairi sat down. “There you are. I’m dying for some caffeine” She smiled, cherry-colored lips. She was dressed in a fleece bomber jacket. You shot her a smile, trying to not be nervous, “Hey… Did you want a Mocha? I wasn’t sure if you’d like the same as last time”

“Americano” She told you, settling comfortably like you did this each day. She had been so sweet to you even in the few moments you had with her. She was a breath of fresh air. So, after your failure of a date, you had finally texted her back, and decided to let her into your life. Maybe you could immerse yourself into your new friendships, and you could move on like that. When you were standing in line to buy her coffee, you glanced in her direction and she was smiling at you, fondly. She hadn’t seemed upset that you didn’t text her back for so long. You wondered how much she knew about you, how much Hyunjin told her, or even Chan. 

When you walked back to the table with coffee and snacks, you feared there might not be anything to talk about if she already has existing assumptions of you, but once your conversation started…it didn’t end.

“So you’ve only been here a few weeks right?” Kairi was sipping on her coffee, a plate of half-eaten biscuits laid between you. From here, you had a perfect view of the street and it looked Parisian. It’s good for people-watching, but right now, Kairi’s the most interesting thing here, “You seem like you’re settling in well”

“I think so. I’ve lost track” You answered her, reaching for a biscuit, “I moved here in the fall, and it’s almost winter now, but it also feels like no time has passed”

“You’re so lucky” She hummed. 

You lift an eyebrow, “Why?”

“I’ve always had this crazy dream, to move somewhere new. A place where people would have absolutely no idea who I am. I could have a new name, new job” She laughed, “Like a secret identity”

“Why would you want that?”

She shrugged, wiping biscuit crumbs off her mouth, “I’m curious to see what kind of person I might be in another country… if I’d behave differently, if I’d have different reactions to situations…if I’d have the same kind of friends, or job”

“Oh…wow” You blinked, “You’ve actually thought it through”

“Well, yes” She shook her head, smiling, “You did start over. How’s that been for you, Y/N?"

You leaned back in your seat, it’s a plush leather and pink in color. In this moment, it doesn’t feel like this is the first real conversation you’re having with her, “It’s harder in practice, Kairi. I think your baggage ends up following you everywhere”

She leaned forward, and her eyes were sparkling, “No, but what if it didn’t? What if you could have…a clean slate? What would you do, Y/N?”

“What would I do….?” You’re left wondering. In a way, Seoul was your clean slate, but you’ve let it be tainted by your sadness, “I think I’d move to Paris…or a big city like Milan. I would…have a cool, catchy name, and I’d dye my hair a crazy color”

Kairi laughed, “Really? And what would you do in a city so big?”

“I don’t know. I would love to set up those little stalls at crowded places like the Eiffel Tower, and paint tourists, capturing them at their happiest. People are always so carefree on their vacations, and they’re always dressed their best. Even if I don’t make much money doing their portraits…I’d kill to give them a beautiful memory, something they could hang on their fridge door or something, you know what I mean? It’s not ambitious at all but man, I could imagine doing that for years and enjoying it”

Kairi was smiling wide, eyes crinkling as you talked, and you suddenly felt embarrassed for the way you’d been rambling, “Um sorry. I don’t know what came over me. That’s not what you asked”

This was strange because…you haven’t felt excited like this in a long while. You felt inspired. It’s as if something has changed, just from her presence. She put you at ease. 

“No, you’re so cute. Your dreams are beautifully simplistic” She told you, and you almost blushed.

“What would you do, Kairi? If you could be anyone in the world?” You had a newfound vigor and energy, only from this conversation alone. Was it really so simple to find motivation? 

“I would move to the countrysides of Japan…or an island in Hawaii. Somewhere away from people. It would be nice to have so much time for myself, and not be surrounded by millions of others”

Your heart warmed hearing her talk, “We want the exact opposite things. That’s kind of funny. You should move to Daejon”

Kairi laughed, “Hyunjin told me it was beautiful”

Your smile fell, momentarily, and you nodded, “It is. Yeah. What else did he tell you…about me?”

Her lips parted, to answer, but before she could, your phone buzzed loudly on the table.

“Who is that?” She asked. You looked up at her in surprise. “Sorry” She apologised, cheeky, “I’m nosy like that”

“It’s my neighbour” You told her, reading Jeongin’s text, “Apparently he locked himself out. He needs help getting back in”

She frowned, “That’s annoying”

“Yeah, he’s always helping me get in, like every second day…” You told her, typing in a reply to tell Jeongin you’d be there soon.

Kairi sat up straighter, a sad pout on her face, “I guess that means you have to leave”

“Yeah. Shit” You realised, “I’m sorry. I would like to stay more—”

She reached across the table, grabbing your hand, and you noticed she’s wearing a charm bracelet, similar to one you had, “Don’t worry about it. You’ll just have to make it up to me then”

You tilt your head, “How?”

“Same time. Tomorrow”

You smiled at her eagerness, “Um…I’m not sure if I’ll be free, Kairi. I might have class…”

She squeezed your hand, “Regardless, I’ll be here. I have some work on my laptop…and I prefer to work out here, so…”

And that was it.

You rushed home to Jeongin, helping him get into the building, and he was intensely apologetic of cutting your plan short. He’d been standing on the porch steps, hands in his pockets, and a sheepish smile on his face, “Shit. I ruined your day, didn’t I?”

You shook your head, inserting your keys into the doorknob, “Not at all. I wasn’t going to let you stand out here in the cold. And are we still in the 18th century? You should talk to Mr. Kwon and have digital keypads put in or something. He loves you, so he’d listen to you”

He watched you from where he stood, arms crossed over his chest, “What happened today?”

You glanced back at him, “Sorry?”

“You haven’t had a proper conversation with me in days”

You stilled, not realising that you’d done so, you hadn’t meant to be so flippant, “Jeongin, I’m sorry, I…”

“You don’t need to apologise. It’s good. I like it. You seem chatty today”

You smiled, “Um. I just met a friend for coffee”

“Ah. Is that all it takes to win your heart?” 

You rolled your eyes, “Stop…”

“Is it the same friend that dropped you off the other day? That boy?”

Your eyes widened, “How do you know that? Have you been spying on me”

“You wish” He walked past you on the stairs, “That was an awkward kiss, Y/N. Haven’t your friends in the city taught you anything yet?” 

You gasped, following up after him, “What do you mean it was awkward?”

Jeongin laughed, stopping in front of his apartment door, “I’m kidding. Is that dude your boyfriend?”

You hugged your bag, leaning against the stairwell, “No… he’s just my friend from class”

Jeongin smiled, “I see…well, if you ever wanna hang out with someone not from your class…” He pointed to his door, “My doorbell’s right here”

Then he left, and you stood at the stairwell, a soft smile on your face. 

»»————-

The table by the window with the heart-shaped chairs was occupied. Kairi sat on one side, laptop before her, a cup of tea and a gochujang sandwich with the meat spilled out. The chair opposite her was empty, for you. She didn’t see you when you walked in, too busy typing super fast on the laptop. “No coffee today?” You asked, sitting down. 

She seemed surprised, cheeks dimpling as she smiled at you, looking away from her work, “You made it. How was class?”

You hung your scarf over the back of the pink seat, glancing outside. It could have been a beautiful afternoon, if the weather weren’t so dreary. “It was just work in studio time... I left early.”

“You’re kidding me. I feel special” She grinned, eyebrows raising teasingly. She is special. There’s something about her that’s changed the energy in you, making you get out of bed today.

“I didn’t want to keep you waiting” You admitted, folding your arms on the little table, “And I thought we could pick up where we left off. I was wondering about it all night”

“Hmm, right. You can text me too, you know?” She leaned forward, head in her hands, “You asked me a question yesterday. You still want to know?”

You’d asked her what Hyunjin had said about you, and you swallowed. Immediately there’s a damper in your mood, “I…I was just really curious, because…” What if he talked shit about you? What if all she knew about you were your flaws? Your gut hurt and you shook your head, “Actually, I don’t want to know, never mind”

She sensed the drop in you, “Don’t worry about that. You’re mine to know now”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…I want to know you on my own terms. Not through secondhand stories of your personality. We don’t need to talk about him, at all”

It’s like a weight lifted off your chest, “We don’t…?”

You don’t want your friendship with her to stem from Hyunjin, because…Hyunjin has given up on you. He’s lost all hope for the two of you, and you can’t let that taint this new beginning. In an ideal world, you could erase him from your mind, and nothing would be tainted by the beauty of his existence. He’s ruined everything for you, because the happiness of nothing can compare to him. 

You want the exclusivity of her. She wants to know you without the attached drama of broken hearts. You also want to know the real Kairi, without Chan, and it seems like she wants to know you too, without Hyunjin. 

“We don’t have to ever talk about him, if you don’t want to. I don’t want to spend all our time talking about boys anyway” She smiled, and it’s a relief. Your shoulders relax. You don’t want to relive the past like you did with Minnie and Jamie. 

You smiled too, “Well anyway…I see that you’re having tea today”

She laughed, a pleasant sound that calmed you, “Well, if we’re going to be doing this everyday, I have to start being more healthy”

“Everyday…?”

A single cup of coffee turned into a week’s worth. A week turned into a month, and quickly, it became obvious that she was your favourite person to hang out with in the city. Yeonjun was there, but he was different. Jeonghan and Minnie were closer to you everyday, but you only talked about art. Kairi and you talked about everything, and anything. Anything except him. She told you about her work, about the drama and the gossip with her coworkers. You told her about the movies Felix used to drag you to, and the music that played on repeat in Aera’s. You hadn’t made time for a movie since forever, so one day, she took you to the theater and instead of your routine coffee, you had soda.

You like to sketch while you talk, and she sits across you, finishing up her work. Her corporate job is tough, but you keep each other entertained. Your art still isn’t too inspired. You’re struggling, and you come home to an empty bed each night. There’s nights you get lost in the memories of summer, and there are mornings when you wake up from dreams of him. Sweet dreams. Dirty dreams. Beautiful, out-of reach dreams. In your dreams, he’s yours still.

All your afternoon naps remind you of him. Something about the sunlight, the warm wooden floors and you have an urge to be in his arms. So you stop sleeping during the day. In the moonlight and secrecy of your bed, you still touch yourself to thoughts of only one boy. You can’t help it.

All of the people who said time heals all wounds, were actually right. Each day, the burden is less. It feels like you were inching closer and closer to a state of not just being heartbroken. You had your moments though, like when Jeonghan would take you home after class, the skyscrapers would reflect onto the train windows, and you’d think of how prettier the blinding lights would be through Hyunjin’s eyes. Your own couldn’t capture the beauty he could see.

There’d be moments -- when someone in the coffee shop would order a vanilla iced latte with whipped cream and sprinkles, and your heart would skip a beat, wondering if he’d be on the other end of the counter to take it. But of course, Hyunjin could never walk into a crowded coffee shop in the middle of Seoul.  

On the other hand…Kairi and you are closer every day. The day you invited her to your apartment, she met Jeongin on the staircase, and she fawned over how contagious his smile was. She picked you up from the Atelier one day, and bumped into your friends from class, and she loved them too. She can be intimidating sometimes, with her classy clothes, bold personality…but she has endless love to give to everyone, and she’s not a fan of keeping it hidden. You love that the most about her. It’s easy to be happier around her. You wonder how her and Chan ever made it work. A love like theirs shouldn’t be behind closed doors. 

On a Thursday afternoon, you were none the wiser when she told you, “So…my birthday’s next week”

You spilled your coffee at the revelation, staring up at her in shock, “You’re telling me now?”

Her eyes widened at the reaction, and she pulled out a tissue from the dispenser to wipe the table clean as she laughed, “Why not?”

“That’s…not enough time”

“For?”

“I have to buy you a present”

She giggled, “A present? You don’t need to, Y/N”

You scoffed, and you’re so much more comfortable around her now, “I kind of have an obsessive problem when it comes to birthdays”

She shook her head, “You really don’t need to get me anything. Some of my friends from work are throwing a party, and I’d like you to be there. Obviously”

“A party?”

She smiled, “It’ll be fun. You can invite Jeonghan too. It won’t be too big a thing, but I’m guessing there’s gonna be a lot of plus-ones”

“Where is it?”

She smiled, sipping her coffee in between. She’d given up on tea after the first time, “So…there are these campgrounds outside Seoul. It’s a few hours from the city, it’s alongside the bank of the Han River. There’s a lot of…outdoorsy shit there, volleyball courts, barbecue grills, some cabins if anyone wants to stay overnight, canoes. I was thinking it’d be nice to go there.

“That…sounds amazing actually”

“I don’t know what to wear yet. Everybody’s going to be in swimsuits, since the river’s right there and my friends all love to go out on it, skinny dip and everything”

“Oh wow” You blinked, and Kairi’s friends sound as free-spirited as her, “Maybe…I could help you choose what to wear?”

She clapped her hands, a wide smile on her face and you love seeing her like this, “Perfect. I know what we’re doing tomorrow”

»»————-

The curtains of the trial room parted, and Kairi stepped out, doing a spin for you. The lights of the boutique are harsh, but Kairi looks amazing. She doesn’t dress up much — you’ve seen her entire range of dark sweaters, and graphic jackets over the weeks by now.

“Shit, you look amazing” You realised, eyes roaming her figure. A black bikini hugged her tightly, and it was the sexiest swimsuit you’d ever seen. Under the bust, two silver chains hugged her torso, sparkling under the store lights, wrapping around her navel too.

She had a smile on her lips, and she seemed satisfied with it too, “Is this the one?”

You’re in a cute boutique, it sells dresses and swimsuits and silver jewellery. It’s decorated prettily, and there’s not many people here because it’s not summer. It’s rapidly approaching winter, and in a few weeks, it’ll be Christmas. 

“It’s the one” You nodded, standing up to circle around her, “You look…gorgeous. Everybody will fall in love with you”

Her smile fell at those words.

You must have said the wrong thing, “What’s wrong?”

She shook her head, “Chris would love it so much. He was always hyping me up, especially when I bought new clothes because I barely ever did”

She didn’t talk about him much. In fact, this was one of the first few times she brought him up. Every time she did talk about him, it was with confidence. They had broken up ages ago, but she was never angry about it. How does she possess such ease in her, to talk of a failed love? If it was so confident, why would it end?

With trepidation, you voiced your thoughts, “Can I…ask you what happened?” 

It was a shot in the dark, of course. She didn’t have to tell you the truth, and you could handle not knowing. She wasn’t surprised you’d asked. She just sat down on the boutique floor, stretching her legs onto the fluffy carpet, “Uh…it’s not that big of a deal”

You joined her, crossing your legs, touching her hand, “You can tell me, but only if you’re comfortable with that”

“Someone threatened to kill me” She chuckled.

“What?”

“It was probably an empty threat” She shrugged, “No big deal”

“But…why? What, I don’t understand?”

She tilt her head, “You know Yoko Ono?”

“John Lennon’s wife?”

She nodded, “After she got married to him, and The Beatles broke up…everybody blamed her for it. Apparently he was putting her before the music, and she was one of the reasons the band ended. Could you imagine how much people hated her? They singlehandedly blamed her for the breakup of…the most iconic band in the world”

Your brows furrowed, “But what has that got to do with you?” 

“A few months ago, a paparazzi spotted Chan…at a luxury store” She breathed in. Your heart skipped a beat, watching Kairi talk.

“I guess he was…looking at engagement rings. I don’t know for sure. Maybe he was buying something for himself” She breathed, “But after the news of that came out and people realised that the Bang Chan may be getting married…”

“Oh…”

“People think I’m gonna be the Yoko Ono here” She forced a smile, “That he’s gonna get caught up in this relationship, and not pay attention to their music. That he’ll choose me over the fame”

“Kairi…I’m so sorry” You traced a soothing circle on her skin, but you had goosebumps from just listening to her, “That’s fucking unfair”

“Anyway, those pictures were the beginning of the threats. I wasn’t too concerned…because honestly, Chris is the only thing that mattered to me, if he was happy, if he was okay. As long as he was good, I would be too. But Pegasus thought they were real. And Chris…he was scared for me”

“I’d be scared too”

She let out another scoff, but she was shaking, and you could tell how much this bothered her, “So instead of marrying the love of my life…we broke up.”

Your chest wrenched, “I’m…so sorry, Kairi”

She nodded, head bending down, and squeezed your hand, “I’m sorry too. It’s stupid that the entire life me and him had planned together may not ever happen because of a few threats posted online by losers. Maybe they were real though. I don’t know. I guess I’ll never know”

“Couldn’t the company do something about it?”

She scoffed, “The company won’t do shit. They can protect Chris all they want, but they’d never step up to protect his partner. Their entire image revolves around them being single…and available. Sex sells. Their sex appeal is more important to them than his life” 

It wasn’t a competition, but her heartbreak was much worse than yours. She had everything, and then she lost it. You mumbled, and you hurt for her, “It’s…not fair at all”

“Yeah. Anyway, me and Chris weren’t getting along towards the end of that. We disagreed on a lot of shit.” She nodded, lifting her head up to meet yours, “The breakup was hard on the others too. Especially Hyunjin, he…” She paused, “It’s almost like he took it personally” 

The name sang to your heart, coursing through your veins like lifeblood, making your pulse quicker. “He loved the two of you together” You ended up saying. 

Kairi smiled at you, “He tell you about us?”

“Yeah…he said I’d really love you”

She smiled, eyes crinkling, “He was clearly right about that” 

“Can I… ask you something?” You said, and she nodded, “Do you ever think you’ll get back together?”

She smiled, “I mean, I can hope, but unfortunately…the decision would have to lie with Chris. If things go wrong, he could lose everything. I would lose nothing…except him. So in the end, it’s up to him. Right now, I think it’s impossible. In summer, a news website threatened to publish about our relationship. Chris isn’t equipped to deal with the fallout that comes with that”

“Oh…I’m sorry”

She took another breath, “Um, we should probably get off the floor before the employees sees us. It’s your turn to try on a bikini anyway”

You couldn’t understand where she conjured up all her positivity from, and you shook your head once you realised what she’d said, “Oh, no Kairi, I have a swimsuit already”

She shrugged, tugging your arm to make you stand up, “You’re going to get a new one though. It’s my birthday, you have to”

“But…” You protested, as she lightly shoved you towards the rack. Tons of bikinis hung on it, ranging from all different styles and colors. Ombre, mismatched, bejeweled. “I don’t know…” You touched the material of a blue one, wondering how you’d pick one.

“How about this lilac?” She asked, pulling a set out. It was too sexy, and too out there. It was the kind of thing Hana would force you to wear. Kairi must have noticed the drop in your expression, because she spoke, “Actually, I’m sure we can find another one”

After some looking around and a lot of nudges from her, you settled on a red bikini set. It was…beautiful. It looked like a thing you’d see on a model in a catalogue. There were metal hearts instead of strings, on either side of the underwear. You’d never be one for vanity, but right now…you could stare at yourself for hours. It fit you perfectly, like nothing else ever had, almost as if it was made for just your body, nobody else’s. When you stepped out, Kairi was patiently waiting on the ottoman. She was rocking her heels back and forth, and she still hadn’t changed out of her final pick, “Holy shit” She grinned, “We’re…gonna look so fucking hot!”

You giggled, “You’re looking forward to it, right? I wanna help your friends plan it too, if that’s okay”

She pulled you into a hug, warm arms enveloping around you. You were still in your swimsuits with the tags on, but you melted into her embrace as she mumbled, “Of course that’s okay! Plus, you’re gonna be there …so I’m not worried about anything”

»»————-

The campgrounds were beautiful, and the party was in full swing. Green grass stretched for miles, running alongside the Han river. Bordering on the outskirts of Seoul, it was far from all the noise, the pollution, and the constant ringing of the sirens. They weren’t just normal campgrounds though. Instead of cabins, there were little glass houses, hidden beneath trees with floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out onto the river, which people could book for vacation rentals all year round. Everything in the city was more boujee. Even nature. It’s like the city folk had figured a way to camp without the mosquitos and the discomfort and glamorised it, fit for celebrities and socialites.

A volleyball court was constructed on a stretch of sand, and a wooden dock extended onto the river, canoes attached to it that anybody could borrow. Pink and yellow inflatables floated down the water, occupied by some of Kairi’s friends who were already so drunk and it was only midday. 

Pretty lanterns hung across poles, the only lighting for this place, and even a freaking DJ booth was set up by the bonfire. It all had a modern festival vibe, and Kairi told you that this place usually booked a lot of small rock gigs over weekends. The campgrounds were public, but she had rented out an area for the day. Her friends from work were originally supposed to be planning everything, but you were also helping them now. For someone who hated parties, you sure loved planning them. It was a perfect distraction, from the stress of classes. The venue for Felix’s birthday had been naturally beautiful, but it couldn’t compare to the extravagance of the city.

You’d driven up here in the early hours of the morning, and Jeonghan had been a boon. He’d helped you unload the crate of beers from his car, loading them into ice-cold pink coolers you’d situated every few metres across the riverbank. It was a hotter day than usual, despite the city being on the brink of imminent snowfall, so cold drinks…were a must.  

Most people had arrived at the campgrounds in the late afternoon, checking in at the front-desk before making their way towards the river. Kairi had a ton of friends, most of them from work, and you weren’t the corporate type, so you maintained a little distance, choosing to be orchestrating everything behind the scenes more. That’s why you were at the barbecue right now, grilling meat for some hotdogs.

Jeonghan had long abandoned you. His red swim shorts are easy to spot, and the official dress code of this party was just swimwear. He was supposed to be helping you cook but he was stretched out on the riverbank, sketching instead. He must have been really inspired, and from where you stood, you could see him with his feet up in the sky, nose buried in a little sketchbook. It was sweet of him to come, and he was the only person you knew, so you were grateful that he was here. 

A frisbee whizzed past you, and you looked up to see Kairi giggling. “Shit! I almost hit you, didn’t I?” She looked beautiful, and the silver chains on her swimsuit sparkled in the sun as she ran around the grass, indulged in a serious game of frisbee with her friends. You smiled back at her, “I’ll forgive you, but only because it’s your birthday”

Ever since she’d told you the truth of what went down between her and Chan, you’d grown fonder of her, and almost protective in a sense. She was so much stronger than you, and you could learn a little from her in terms of positivity. She had introduced you to all her friends, but they were too many names for you to remember. Sohee, Jinsoo, Eric, etc. You’d assigned yourself to the snacks, not feeling too confident in greeting her guests. 

“Do you want it crispy all the way through?” You called out to her, pork belly sizzling against the pan as you tossed it. This made you feel useful. It was better to not let your mind wander, instead you filled it with little responsibilities such as this.

She ran up to the grill, frisbee still in her hands, “Why are you all the way over here?”

You gestured to the barbeque, and the plates of snacks, “Somebody’s got to feed your guests”

“They can feed themselves, Y/N. We should go in the river while the sun is still out!” She grabbed your arm, and started leading you away from the barbecue, “I’m sure Nate can take over anyway” 

You weren’t going to argue with that. You’d missed swimming, and being in the water, so, you let her pull you into the river. In the cold water, surrounded by nature on all sides, it almost felt like home. Kairi swam over to you, a big smile on her face, “Fuck. The sun feels so good” 

You drifted closer, smiling, “I’m glad you’re happy. It’s kind of your day, you should be” 

“I’m really, really fucking grateful that dude spilled a drink on me and we met in that club bathroom…”

You laughed, clasping your hand with hers as you swam in the water together, “Well. I’m sure there’s nicer ways for us to meet”

She rolled her eyes, “No, are you kidding? That was the best one. I needed someone like you in my life”

You giggled, “Someone like me?”

“We haven’t even know each other that long, if you think about it. Honestly, I never even thought you’d text me back, because…of him” She paused, “But I think you sacrifice your peace for others, and…I don’t know anyone else like you”

You swallowed, and you didn’t want to get emotional in the middle of the river, “Kairi…tell me you didn’t bring me in the water just to make me cry”

“Actually” She corrected herself, a small chuckle following, “I did know one person like you”

You don’t have to probe to know she’s talking about Chan.

“You remind me of him. As crazy as that sounds” She hummed. 

“I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you” You apologised, and you were caressing her shoulder now, rubbing it.

She wrapped her arms around your waist, and her body felt warm against yours, “You don’t have to be sorry. I’m sorry I keep bringing him up. It’s like second nature for me. Does the same ever happen with you…?”

There can’t be a better day than today for you to move on, so you forced a smile, “No. I don’t think of Hyunjin anymore. It’s in the past…” It’s a complete lie, but one day, you’re hoping it will come true. Kairi doesn’t know everything that happened in the end and she doesn’t need too. She doesn’t know he gave up on you, all she knows…is that you don’t talk anymore. 

Resignation settled in her gaze, “So…you’re completely okay with him?”

You nodded, “Yup. Anyway, um I don’t know about you but… I’m starving. Should we get the hotdogs?”

Kairi blinked but didn’t question your change of topic, “Sure. That’d be perfect”

You waded out of the water, jumping back onto the riverbank, and the air was prickly cold, but the sun was still warm in the sky. The DJ booth set up in the distance had a party playlist on repeat, and tons of people were dancing, some of Kairi’s friends, some just locals who were enjoying this area. The water droplets on your skin looked like glitter, and you ran over to the barbecue grill, dripping wet. Kairi’s friends, Sohee and Eric were indulging in a platter of pork ribs and grilled chicken, perched on a picnic table. They smiled at you as you approached them, “The water nice?”

You nodded, hugging yourself, “Mmh, you guys should get in while it’s still warm! If you guys don’t mind…could I please borrow a plate for Kairi?”

“Of course. Help yourself” Sohee smiled, black sunglasses resting on her head, and she was in a white one-piece swimsuit, “You’re…Kairi’s artist friend, aren’t you? We’ve heard a lot about you”

You laughed, flushing, “I hope good things”

Eric laughed, “You bet. Hey, we’re playing volleyball later, if you wanna join?”

You grabbed a plate of the sausages and bulgogi, “That sounds cool. I’m a terrible shot but I might join!” They laughed and you picked up some disposable cutlery, heading back to Kairi.

She was out of the water now, sunbathing on the grass and Jeonghan sat at her side. 

“I got you some meat” You handed her the plate, balancing it on her stomach. Her arms were stretched behind her head, and she squinted under the sun at you, “Thanks, baby”

The term of endearment brought a flush up your chest, and you sat cross-legged next to her. It was crazy how fast you’d grown fond of each other, as if you were always destined to be such good friends. As you ate off her plate, Jeonghan brought you a couple of drinks. It seemed like he’d finally abandoned his sketchbook in favour of enjoying the place around him. Jeonghan yawned loudly, “This weather makes me want to take a nap”

“Well, I really don’t mind if you do” Kairi suggested to him.

Jeonghan laughed, “Really? I wouldn’t be the lamest person at this party?” 

“You won that title hours ago” You joked. Jeonghan gasped dramatically, and lightly shoved you, “It’s rude that you’re not my self-proclaimed hype girl”

You pushed your sunglasses up your head, staring at him and trying not to laugh, “I’m sorry…your what?”

He blew a puff of air, and laid his head on your lap, “You know…I’m like always hyping you up in class. Making you laugh when you’re miserable—no offence— and even rescuing you from pathetic blind dates. You’re not gonna do the same for me?” He bit into a sausage, sauce smeared across his lips.

“You’re such a messy eater” You commented.

His eyes were closed and he smiled, “You can lick it off me, if it’s bothering you”

Kairi sat up, laughing, “What is going on with you two?”

You shook your head, “Nothing. He flirts with me when he’s drunk”

It was rapidly approaching nightfall, and that’s what you hated the most about winter: shorter days, longer nights. The sun set behind the forest, settling warm rays on your skin, drying the water from your swim off.

You smiled, indulging in this moment, wishing every day could be the same. You were in a beautiful place, with new friends and this could be your blank slate. Tonight could mark what you and Kairi had talked about – a real, fresh start. For the first time in weeks, your chest didn’t hurt. 

»»————-

You knew you were terrible at coordinated sports, and it became obvious to everyone else too when you missed the fifth volleyball headed your way. Eric on the other team, did a fist-bump with his teammate at your loss, and Sohee sighed, “Just catch one, Y/N!”

You threw your hands up, a giggle escaping you, “You guys asked me to join. I told you I’m horrible at this stuff!” There were two teams, and the one with you was… horribly failing. Nobody took it too seriously so it was okay, it was for fun. It was just insane to you that you were playing volleyball next to the freaking river with strangers in Seoul. If past you found out about it, she’d absolutely freak out. You were counting every blessing, grateful to be here in the city, and you were making the most of tonight. You’d made Jeonghan join with you, and he was on the other team. Kairi was somewhere by the bonfire, dancing, and you could her loud singing along all the way over here.

“Just try to catch this next one, okay?” Jeonghan called at you over the net. 

You were horrible at bowling too, but Seungmin had taught you once and after that you hadn’t been half as bad. All you had to do was focus, and channel all your built-up energy into shooting the ball, not get distracted by every other thing happening. You’d seen Sohee shoot enough successful ones to try to imitate her. So, you stepped up, rooting your feet in the sand, and she was cheering you on in the background. You didn’t even know her, so it was funny that she cared this much. 

Jeonghan across the fence tossed the ball towards you. You don’t know what prompted you to jump, and this time you actually hit it with all the energy you could muster, your fist making contact with the ball, and it shocked Jeonghan so much that he forgot to serve entirely. “Are you kidding me?” He cried, crawling under the net to run up to you. He pulled you into a hug, arms wrapping around your body, “I knew you had it in you! All you needed was a little bit of humiliation to get you there”

“I barely hit!” You giggled, hugging him back, and his torso was warm to the touch, “And you’re supposed to be on the other team, but…thanks”

He rolled his eyes, holding you tight in his grip, “I’ll gladly let you win any day”

He was so touchy tonight. It must be the mix of alcohol, adrenaline and being away from the stresses of the art studio. His hand lingered on your waist, drifting close to your ass but you didn’t stop him. It was silly because you weren’t even into sports, you didn’t care about this volleyball game, but you were smiling widely, and it wasn’t forced. 

Jeonghan let go of you, steadying you on the sand, and in your happy daze, you got up on your toes and kissed him, threading your hands through his hair. It was frizzy from the wind, and you settled on the nape of his neck. He smiled into the kiss, pressing your body to his, and he was only in his little swim-shorts, and you were only in your bikini so most of your skin touched his. It was a strange feeling, to be so physically close to somebody who wasn’t Hyunjin, but that would never happen again, and to curb the hurt, you kissed him deeper.

Sohee was laughing in the background, “You guys know the game isn’t over yet, right?” 

This kiss didn’t mean anything, yet it meant everything. It meant that you could let go. Hyunjin didn’t want you in his life, and one day you’d be okay with that. Right now, you had to live in this moment. You wound your arms tighter around Jeonghan’s neck, and you kissed him deeply, and he was probably surprised that you were giving in so much, because he knew this wasn’t anything special. You surprised yourself too. 

Kairi calling your name is what made you pull away from him, cheeks flushed with adrenaline. She was walking over to you, and you ran up to her, across the makeshift volleyball court, “Babe! Did you see me hit that ball?”

She looked like she’d seen a ghost though, and she reached for your hand, “Y/N. I need you, please”

“Wait, what’s wrong?” You frowned, stepping out with her.

She was fumbling over her words, “He’s here. Y/N. He’s here” Her eyes were wide in despair. She looked like she was going to cry, staccato mumbling, “I don’t know what to do” 

You grabbed her arm, pulling her away from the game, You’d never seen her in such a state, “Kairi, please calm down. Who’s here? What’s going on?”

She squeezed her eyes shut, a tear spilling out, “Chan…Chan is here”

Fucking hell.

“Hey, hey, hey. Kairi, I need you to calm down, okay?”

Your heart had dropped into your gut, but you had to be there for her. She was breathing heavy, and her eyes were filling up with tears, smudging her mascara and her silver eyeliner, “I don’t know what to do. If I talk to him, I’ll end up doing something stupid, like kiss him or something”

You grabbed her gently by the shoulders, so she could look only at you and not be stimulated by the rest of the party, “I’m gonna handle it, okay? Kairi. I’ll take care of it. You don’t have to do anything”

Her eyes were wide, “What? You will? Are…are you sure?”

“Of course. It’s Chris, I got this” You held her chin, fingers caressing her jaw, “Today is your day. I don’t want you to stress about anything”

She let out a breath, a tear escaping, “Thank you, Y/N. I’m sorry, I just got really overwhelmed, I wasn’t expecting to see him and…I don’t know if he knows I’m even here”

“What do you want me to say to him?”

“Just…don’t send him away. I don’t want him to get hurt. But please…find out why he’s here. I’m so…fucking confused. Why today? What does he want?”

“I’ll talk to him” You looked around, eyes landing on a concerned Jeonghan. He was still playing the game, but his focus was on the two of you, “Can you go hang out with Jeonghan till then?”

She nodded absentmindedly, seemingly so lost, “Thank you...Fuck, I just…don’t know how to deal with this right now”

“Jeonghan?” You called out, and it only took him a second to abandon the game and run up to you. His eyes observed Kairi’s fragile state, “What’s up? Is everything okay?” 

“Can you take her to the dock? I’ll catch you there in a bit, okay?”

He glanced at her, no questions asked, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, “Of course, no problem” He smiled at you, a dazzling grin that told you he’d take care of it, “Catch you in a few” 

Then he took her away, leading her towards the other side of the campgrounds. The dock was nearer to the woods, hidden between the trees and the rocks, away from Chan. You’re sure the physical distance from the rest of the party would help Kairi calm a bit. You glanced at the volleyball game. They were all standing and waiting for you. Sohee had her hands on her hips, “You coming back?”

“I’m gonna have to ditch the game, sorry! Win for me, okay?” You shot her a smile.

“We’re gonna kick your ass, Y/N!” Eric yelled across. You laughed, waving them a goodbye as you walked over to the bonfire. That’s where Kairi said she saw him. You couldn’t understand. Why would Chan be here, and how had he heard about this party? Things between them had long ended, and there was no logical reason for him to come here suddenly. You were proud of yourself for staying calm though. Kairi was what mattered tonight, and you could easily deal with her ex.

There was a dance party situation happening around the fire. Everyone had congregated near it, and the DJ had long given up on playing good songs, settling for dance club music instead. From here, you could see the bonfire. One of Kairi’s friends, Jinsoo ran up to you, “Y/N, hey! Do you know where the rest of the beer is?’

You stopped to explain, you’d somehow become the unofficial host for this party and everyone must have noticed how close you and Kairi were. “Um, it should be in a pink cooler. We unloaded near the cabins”

“Great, thanks!” She smiled at you, running back there. Your eyes scanned the crowd around the fire. The sand here was warm, and it felt so good between your toes. Everybody was drinking, and dancing, making it harder for you to find him. You’d never seen Chan in person, but you’d seen so many pictures of him. It’d be second nature to recognise him. 

Then, you spotted a boy by the fire, gaze frantically looking around the campgrounds, and you stepped up to him, making your way through the people dancing.

He was in a black sweatshirt, and dark jeans and he stood out, surrounded by girls in bright-colored bikinis, and boys in expensive swim-shorts. There was no telling from his stature that he was someone famous, which is probably why none of the guests were giving him a second look. You wonder if any of Kairi’s friends had ever known about their relationship. You weren’t nervous about this interaction, even though you should be. This was Hyunjin’s best friend. Why were you not freaking out? Maybe because you’d do anything to make sure Kairi had a good night.

“Chris?” You asked, voice low. You didn’t want to spook him.

At hearing his name, he turned to face you. Your heart jumped at the sight. He was beautiful in person. None of the pictures could do him justice. In the pictures, he had stage makeup and styled hair. Right now, natural curls fell into his face, and he looked so simple, like any other guy you’d pass by on the street.

“Hey. You’re Chris, right?” You spoke, and the only thing making you nervous was him looking right into your eyes, “I’m uh…I’m one of Kairi’s friends.” It was best to not say your name. His gaze was…very intense but you had to keep cool for her, so you smiled. A genuine, warm, smile. 

The tension in his shoulders dissipated as understanding settled in his face, and he stepped up to you, clearing his throat, “Hey. Um, I go by Chan actually”

“Chan…” You repeated, smiling at him, fiddling with your fingers, “I wasn’t really expecting you to show up”

He sighed, hands in his pockets, “I know… I’m not on the guest list” 

“She didn’t know you’re coming tonight” 

“I wasn’t planning to” He answered, taking in another breath, and his voice was shaky, “I came straight from the studio. I drove…three straight hours to get here, on a whim. I know I’m not dressed for the party, but I need to see her right now”

Oh, wow… You hope you didn’t sound rude but this was in her best interest, so you said, “I’m sorry…I don’t know how to say this… but she’s not feeling great about this. How did you even know about the party?”

He was about to answer but it’s like he couldn’t find the words, struggling. Had he come here just to wish her for her birthday? It was hugely romantic, but there must be more he wanted to say.  What would make him drive all the way here?

“Channie, she is not by the cabins either!” Someone yelled out.

You would recognize that voice anywhere.

Your heart stopped beating.

Within seconds, somebody came running up through the shadows of the trees. The air left your body, and you couldn’t breathe.

Hyunjin.

He stepped out into the light and all of the noise around you died. 

The waves of the river were suddenly quiet, the forest was mute, the music was silent. Only your pulse ringing in your ears.

He was here. He was here. He was here.

Immediately, his gaze landed on you, and he stopped still in his footsteps. 

There was no hiding his surprise. There was no pretending, or feigning of emotions. His mouth parted, eyebrows shooting up, eyes wide as he saw you. 

Vision blackening, clouding, blurring, you could only see him in the centre, and your gut started squeezing you from the inside out. 

Dark hair tied up into a bun, half of it hanging to his shoulders, he looked like he always did. Fucking unreal. He was dressed so simply, black sweater blending into the darkness. He got prettier each time you laid eyes on him. So fucking beautiful and you hated him for it.

His eyes were on yours, thick lips parted in shock, and it was cruel how your heart leapt out of your chest, as if you hadn’t been training to tame it all this while. The last time you saw him… flashed through your mind, memories pricking at you like a hundred thousand needles stabbing into your body. He left you, before you even had a chance. He didn’t even know you loved him.

You’d been trying so hard to move on, but here he fucking was, the one place you didn’t think he could be.

But you needed to be strong, for Kairi. This was all for her, and she was your saving grace. So you looked away from him, even if it took all of your fucking willpower. Your gaze found Chan, and suddenly the noises were back. The party was raging, the river was loud, the forest full of cacophony. Chan was saying your name repeatedly, and you’d tuned out completely. So had Hyunjin it seemed…because he snapped back to reality, a click going off in his head, and turned to his friend.

Chan stepped closer to you, “You’re Y/N…?”

You nodded, no words escaping at him recognising you. You’d been recognised. Of course you had. You and Hyunjin had been fucking staring at each like fools. It was a dead giveaway.

“I need to see her, Y/N.”

You ignored the peripheral gaze burning in the side of your face. Don’t fucking look at him. You stared right at Chan, “Chan, I can’t…”

“There’s something I need to say to her…and after that I’ll leave, I promise you” There was desperation in his voice, one you’d felt all these months.

It was the most difficult thing to not look at Hyunjin, when he was fucking staring at you. He’d always had your entire attention, any room he was in but right now you couldn’t afford to do that. It was so hard for you to ignore him, but it had been so easy for him before. You could do that to him too.

“I don’t know. She’s…really upset” You turned around, glancing over at the dock, then back at him, “Why tonight? She wants to talk to you, but—”

“I know you’re just trying to do right by her. Something I should have been doing all this time” He closed his eyes, “I understand if you’re gonna ask me to leave, but I promise you. If she says she doesn’t wanna see me, I’ll walk right out.”

You shook your head, guilt overwhelming you, “Chan—”

He continued speaking over you, “But if you’ve ever been in love, or…or loved someone, you’d understand why this is so fucking important to me”

You stared at him, lost for words. If you’d ever been in love…?

Hyunjin’s gaze on you was stronger than ever. It burned you.  

He had said nothing this whole time. What was he thinking? You wanted to climb into his brain, read his mind and know what he thought of this question. Did Hyunjin have any fucking idea how much you loved him? You were so stupid crazy in love, you missed his silence too. And did Chan even understand the significance of what he was asking you? All of your emotions were cascading on top of each other, and the sane part of you was drowning in the waves. It was hard to speak, but you finally found the words, “She’s… by the docks. You can find her there”

They were the right words because Chan’s eyes lit up instantly, a smile spreading on his face, and he was beautiful like this, a warmth and comfort emanating from him. He was prettier when happy, and it looked like he couldn’t believe you’d said yes, “Thank you. Shit, thank you, Y/N. You’re an angel” He turned to Hyunjin, “I’ll be back soon, okay?”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Hyunjin asked him. His voice sent shivers down your spine.

“No, I…got this” Chan swallowed, and he suddenly looked nervous and doubtful of this.

Hyunjin stepped close to him, voice dropping, “It’s gonna be fine. You’re gonna be fine”

Chan nodded, eyes closed, “I’m just…fucking anxious. What if she asks me to leave?”

“Channie” Hyunjin repeated, in a low voice, hand landing on his shoulder, “I’m right here if you need me, okay?”

He took a deep breath, and Hyunjin pulled him into a half-hug. You stood by, unsure what to do, staring at them. You were still trying to wrap your head around whatever the fuck was happening right now. In seconds, Chan took off towards the dock, where you’d told him Kairi was. You watched his retreating figure, hoping you made the right choice. He seemed genuinely apologetic, for whatever had went down between him and her. 

His departure… left you and Hyunjin by the bonfire. Just by yourselves. So, you finally looked at him.

He was staring at you. 

In the glow of the embers, Hyunjin looked almost sinister, he looked dangerous in the way that you wanted him, even now. Dark shadows cutting across his face, he’d only grown more into the version of him you’d ran into the storage closet. Taller stature, stronger arms, piercing gaze.

You suddenly felt conscious…being in this tiny swimsuit, and your arms came up around yourself to cover up somehow. It hurt too much to see him this close, after everything that had happened. You’d been giving up your soul to forget him, and he’d just decided to show up, now? It was unfair. You had to be the bigger person here, and you were going to leave. You didn’t owe him a conversation, not after he’d shown you how easy it was for him to forget all about existence.

So, you turned to walk away, but then Hyunjin spoke, “I didn’t know you were going to be here”

At first, you almost didn’t hear him, over the music, over the laughter, over the river. You stopped in your tracks, squeezing your eyes shut, wishing he’d never spoken. 

You didn’t look at him as you mumbled, “Yeah…you wouldn’t be here if you knew”

It came out more venomous than you wanted, and you didn’t wait to see his reaction. But he asked you, “What are you doing here then?”

You turned to look at him, and fuck it hurt every bit of you. You hope you had a stable tone, arms crossed across your chest, because how the hell could he ask you that? “I’m… kind of the host”

His eyes widened, genuine surprise in it, “You are…?”

Well, he would’ve known that if he’d let you be in his life. Why had he pushed you away? Why had he not even tried to keep in touch with you? Was cutting off all contact the only way he knew how? 

“I have to go” You mumbled, feeling hurt all over again, “There’s drinks in the corner if you want”

Hyunjin began to say something, but he was stopped because somebody yelled your name, interrupting whatever he could have said. What was Hyunjin going to say?   

Jeonghan ran over to you, laughing, oblivious to everything around him, “You know Sohee’s going around saying you abandoned her during the game?"

You blinked, looking up at him, “She knew we weren’t going to win anyway”

He laughed loudly, and he was clearly tipsy by the way he talked, “What can I say? You’re a very wanted woman tonight, like five people stopped to ask me where you were. Also, you do remember that you’re the only person I know at this party? You can’t just leave me alone. I might actually end up missing you”

“Right, I forgot” You stifled a smile, “I was doing something for Kairi. Speaking of which…you left her alone?”

“I’m sorry…” He sighed, “There was this dude that wanted to talk to her…she asked me to leave them. And, I did not come tonight to babysit her. I’ve only met her like one time!” 

You laughed, “Really? It is her birthday, Nate. What did you come here for then? ”

He shook his head, smiling, “Oh, being coy suits you, Y/N. It’s sexy”

“What?” You laughed. Before you could even register it, he wrapped his arms around you, picking you up in a little spin and twirl. A surprised noise escaped you, and your hands came to brace yourself against his bare chest. He was grinning at you, completely oblivious to the fact that someone was watching you. You almost forgot where you were, and who was watching, a giggle escaping you. “Nate—” You mumbled, pulling away, hands on his chest.  

“What?” He frowned, and only then he saw Hyunjin standing there, watching all of this take place. “Oh…hey, man” Jeonghan smiled at him, “Wow…you are way too overdressed for this party. Take your shirt off or something”

Hyunjin’s gaze was on the arm around your waist. There was an unrecognisable emotion in his eyes. You’d seen jealousy on him before and this wasn’t it. This… was something else entirely. An emotion so intense that you felt scared of what he was holding inside.

He was frowning, furrow in his forehead, and then he glanced at you, a sudden indifference in his voice, “Where did you say the drinks were again?”

You swallowed, “By the cabins…”

“Oh, I can show you” Jeonghan offered, and you wish he wasn’t so nice to everybody.

Hyunjin’s brows shot up at the suggestion, and you were afraid he’d say something mean, but of course Hyunjin wasn’t mean, so he forced a smile, “Cool. Sure”

Jeonghan began walking away with him, and your grip on his hand was tight, you yanked him back, whispering, “What do you think you’re doing?”

He smiled, whispering back, “Relax. Just showing some hospitality. Also I think that guy’s famous”

You sighed, closing your eyes, because he was impossible to argue with, “Fine, but…get me a drink too”

“Will do” He grinned, leaning in to kiss your cheek. You watched them walk away, and you could hear Jeonghan say, “I’m Nate by the way, only she’s allowed to call me Jeonghan. Don’t ask me why though” 

You couldn’t pick up on what Hyunjin said in response and you itched to know, but…you had to hold back. You stood still, feet rooted to the sand as Jeonghan led Hyunjin to the cabins, and the coolers that lay there, filled with beers. You couldn’t watch for long, because somebody grabbed your arm, turning you around, “Why are you by yourself?” Sohee, from the volleyball game asked, “Come on, you can dance with us!”

“I’m not in the mood, sorry” You apologised, walking away from the fire. What would they talk about? You hope Jeonghan didn’t bring up how miserable and depressed you’d been this whole time. Would Hyunjin talk about youto him? Would he ask him what you and Jeonghan were? Did he…even care?

Sohee laughed, “What? Shut up. You’re dancing with us. You already ditched us in the game”

“I think I’m just gonna go get a drink” You tried to decline, as politely as you could, without being a spoilsport or a downer. She stopped you, hand on your wrist, “What’s wrong?”

“I just…don’t wanna dance. I’m sorry” You gently pulled your arm out of her grip, walking nearer to the river. You could already feel it. All of the progress you’d made all these months was reversing. You were going back in time against your will. What had all this happiness been for, if it was just going to be ripped from you in an instant? How could you ever fucking say you moved on when seeing him for a second changed your mind? 

You thought you were stronger than this, but you were so fucking weak, falling back into an emotion you didn’t need. Self-loathing and sadness and wishing you were enough for him was staring you in the eyes, and you thought you’d left it all behind. This wasn’t how tonight was supposed to go. You…had plans, to feel better, to move the fuck on. Kairi and Chan were nowhere to be seen, and it was past midnight already. She hadn’t even cut the birthday cake yet. You’d made Jeonghan drive you all the way to that special bakery for nothing. Why would Chan show up uninvited on such a special night? Why the fuck would he bring Hyunjin with him?

You ran your hands over your face. Every breath was harder to catch, and you felt like you’d pass out if you stayed standing. A tear slipped into your mouth, and you tasted the glitter mascara that Kairi had put on you. Kairi. You were going to find her…and you’d make sure she still had a good night, regardless of her ex gatecrashing the fucking party. Chan was a lovely person, you’re sure he was, but this was not the time. If he wanted to come so bad, he should’ve just come alone and not brought Hyunjin.

You looked back towards the fire, where Sohee was twirling around with the others, laughing loudly, so drunk and so happy. Jeonghan was back there too, he stood watching the girls dance, but Hyunjin wasn’t with him.

Did he leave? Where was he?

Your eyes scanned the crowd so fast, trying to place him amongst the crowd. 

“I thought you hate beer”

You jumped, startled by the sound. 

Hyunjin stood behind you, holding a beer bottle in his hand, extended out to you. How had you missed him walking over to you?

“What?” 

He seemed confused, hand outstretched, “You…hated beer, right?”

“What are you doing?”

He shrugged, nonchalant, “You asked Nate to bring you a drink. He…wanted to dance instead, he asked me to bring it to you”

You laughed, bitterly, “And what, you work for him now?” 

Why the fuck would he willingly approach you? After forcing you to get out of his life? Pretending like everything was normal? Acting like he hadn’t devastated you entirely, and broken you down. He didn’t even apologise for the way he’d kissed you and pushed you away. He still didn’t fucking realise what he meant to you, and he never would.

Hyunjin’s tongue poked his cheek, and he said, “No. I was trying to be away from the crowd”

You released a breath, “Well, congratulations, now you are. I’m gonna go”

“Wait—” He called out.

You stopped, “What, Hyunjin?”

He swallowed, “Aren’t you gonna take your drink?”

You should walk away from this conversation right fucking now, but you felt angry. Did he know you’d been suffering so much because of him? Did he know you’d given up on love and resigned yourself to a miserable fucking existence, because of him? How could he act so normal? 

“You know what?” You forced a smile, “You can have it. You’ve already ruined tonight for Kairi. You might as well for me too”

“Excuse me?” His features contorted into a frown, as if he couldn’t believe you were bringing it up, “It wasn’t my idea to show up here”

“So what…you came as moral support or something?”

“Chan needed me” He stated, with finality.

“Well” You laughed, “You’re a great friend then. Are you even allowed to be at this party? Isn’t that gonna be a problem for you?”

His lips were in a thin line, “You’re angry”

“No” You laughed, so bitter, so petty, “Just concerned. Actually I am gonna take that drink” You grabbed it out of his hands, pulling with more force than needed, making sure none of your fingers touched any of his. Hyunjin’s eyes narrowed, and he would hate you now if he didn’t already, but that was fine. He didn’t want you anyway.

Jeonghan’s yell interrupted you two, “Y/N! Come on. It’s your favourite song!”

You turned back to them, realising that indeed a song you’d liked in a club once was playing. It wasn’t your favourite song, far from it, but you wanted to be away from Hyunjin. You were losing yourself so near him.

So you glanced at Hyunjin, lifted the beer bottle to your lips, and drops of alcohol dripped down your neck and chest, into your bikini top, messily, “Thanks for the drink”

Jeonghan basically pulled you into the circle, as the chorus came on. You let him. You chugged the rest of the beer, because there was no way you were doing this sober anymore. Jeonghan was fucking tipsy, so he spun you around, and if it wasn’t for his arm around you, you’d fall over into the sand. Somebody handed you a shot of tequila, and you drank that too. The music was loud enough so you couldn’t think, EDM beats playing over and over, making your heart vibrate against your ribs. You wanted to laugh, because everything was so horrible. Sohee was a good hype girl, cheering on for you, grinding her hips against a taller boy, and everyone was lost in the music.

As the song picked up tempo, your hands met Jeonghan’s and he helped you move with an exhilarating speed and you couldn’t even breathe, head spinning. He wasn’t a great dancer, but he was holding you tight, moving your body against his, and it was good to feel desired, “You look so fucking sexy” Jeonghan mumbled into your ear, “You should wear pink more often”

You rolled your eyes, “It’s red…Nate”

“Huh. Maybe I should get a closer look at it then”

“What?” You laughed as he suddenly leaned in, kissing your neck, and collarbones. His other hand dropped to your ass, squeezing it tightly. You couldn’t find it in you to feel shy because nobody was looking at you anyway. Everybody was too busy dancing, or too drunk. Hyunjin had probably realised his mistake and long left. You hope he’d fucking left. You didn’t want to see him again tonight. In the centre of the circle, Jeonghan was bent over you, pressing kisses to your body. Your arms rest on his biceps, as he kissed your neck, “You’re so beautiful when you laugh. I wish you were happier like this more often”

Oh, the irony. If only he knew you’d never been this sad in your life before. Knowing Hyunjin was here, so close yet so far. He was here, but he wasn’t here with you. What was the point…of anything? Weeks and months of moving on. Everything was useless. Hyunjin had to be there, everytime, haunting you like a demon, following in your shadows for the rest of your life. 

“Y/N…” Jeonghan asked, head buried in your neck, realising you were standing still, deadweight, “What’s wrong?”

You’d gone on a date, you had a friend you casually made out with, you were in the best art studio in your country. You were so unhappy. What was the point?

It was like there a string on his chest, tying him to you, bringing you together even when you couldn’t be. Even when he didn’t want to be.

“Nothing” You swallowed, tears shooting up to your eyes, “Can you just kiss me and not ask me anything?”

He frowned, and it was hard to hear him over the loud music, “No…Y/N. Tell me if you’re okay. Do you want some air? Water?”

“I just want you to kiss me and not ask why”

So, almost reluctantly, he did. He leaned in, pressing his mouth to yours and you hoped it’d distract you. You wanted to get lost in it, and you brought your palms up to his face, to his hair, running through it. You’d never kissed him for so long, or with so much emotion. It had always been so casual, for fun, no strings, nothing. 

For just a second, you opened your eyes. You wish you hadn’t.

Over Jeonghan’s shoulder, there was a direct line of sight to Hyunjin.

He was still standing by the river, staring out into the darkness, one hand shoved in his pocket, the other lifting a beer bottle to his lips. He was still here. Right where you’d left him.

Why wouldn’t he leave? There was a path straight to him, people parted like the red sea, the taut string of fate between you working harder than ever.

You squeezed your eyes shut, focusing on kissing the boy who actually cared for you, but when your eyes flickered open again, Hyunjin was watching you.

It should have been obvious, but you were still surprised…to see him stare. Your heart hurt so much you thought you’d collapse. He didn’t want you in his life anymore. He’d made it plenty clear. 

Then why did he look so fucking sad watching you kiss another man?

The party was raging, you were dying. Each press to Jeonghan’s lips made you sick. He kept spinning you around, and you were getting dizzy. Every few seconds, your eyes would fall on Hyunjin. Everything but him was blurred. Your insides hurt, and he was looking at you and you were looking at him but you were dancing with another man. Was this how it felt like to be dying? Jeonghan was giggling about something, and he leaned in to whisper something in your ear. You didn’t hear it, because Hyunjin had turned away from you now, like all of this was beneath him. As if being here was the greatest inconvenience of his life.  

He was walking away. He’d probably had enough of your dancing. 

He’d had enough of you.

“Y/N…hello?” Jeonghan snapped a finger in front of your face.

“I’m going to be sick” You mumbled.

His eyes widened, “What? Did you drink too much?”

“No. I just…I need some air” You stepped back from him. 

“Should I come with you?”

“I’m fine” You shook your head, looking around, “You should dance with Sohee…till I’m back. ”

Before he could protest or respond, you walked away, towards the river. Kairi was nowhere to be found, at her own birthday party. It was all his fault. You had to go find her. What if she had a fight with Chan and needed you?

The alcohol had gotten to your head. You shouldn’t have chugged that beer, and that tequila and that last shot of vodka. Slowly, but steadily you made your way towards the dock. Her birthday cake was rotting in the car. Was it so hard to ask for just one good night?

He had to ruin that too, just like he’d ruined the idea of love for you. You could never love anybody, ever again, not in this same way. 

You walked until you caught up to him. Thankfully, there was nobody else here. Everybody was either in the cabins, or dancing. Hyunjin was pacing back and forth, on his fucking phone as if he was too good for this place. The question left your mouth before you could rethink it, “What does Chan want?”

He looked up at you, eyes drifting over your figure briefly, voice small, “What?” 

“It’s been an hour. She’s not back yet” You stated, as if it was obvious, “In case you didn’t know, she turned twenty-four today, and this entire party is for her. So why is he here, Hyunjin?” You stepped closer to him.

He clicked his phone off, the number he never shared with you, and put it in his pocket, “Um… I don’t know if it’s my discretion to tell you”

You stared at him. You were so past begging to be included in his life. You nodded, a scoff escaping, “Yeah, sorry I asked. I don’t know what I was thinking”

Turning towards the dock, you only made it about five steps away from Hyunjin when he called out, “Wait—I didn’t mean it like that”

You turned to face him, and there was fire in your eyes, there was fire in your veins, “Then what did you mean, Hyunjin?”

Something flashed through his eyes when you said his name, like he also couldn’t believe he was talking to you. “Um. Do you… remember what I told you at the Château?” He asked. The familiarity of those memories flooded through you, like a tsunami. You remembered every single word, you remember each breath he took, each touch. You remember every ridge and curve in his hand, as he held yours. You remembered how many times he pressed his lips to yours, and how loud he’d moaned when you touched him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” 

Hyunjin tilt his head, “About… how they’ve been together for two years now? About how Chan had planned to ask Kairi to marry him…on her birthday?”

Your eyes narrowed as the realisation sank into you, “You’re kidding me. Is that what he’s doing right now? He’s literally going to ruin her—”

Hyunjin stepped forward, “No, he’s not doing that! But he just needed to talk to her about it. He’s just here to make things right with her” He explained, emphasising each word.

“Why?”

Hyunjin seemed confused, “Why, what?”

“Why now? He couldn’t have picked another day?” You sounded so harsh, but you didn’t care. Yeah, maybe you were pissed that Chan was willing to go to all this fucking effort for the girl he loved. But nobody would ever make any effort for you. You were pissed that Kairi was the one good thing you had left, but now Hyunjin’s life was ripping her away from you too.

He didn’t seem fazed though, and he seemed just as confused as you, “I don’t know, Y/N! I tried to talk him out of it. That it wasn’t a good idea”

You scoffed, crossing your arms, “Well you clearly didn’t do a good job, because he’s here right now anyway”

“What do you want me to do? I tried my best!”

“Well, you should have tried harder, Hyunjin!”

He let out a deep breath, running a hand over his face, “Why are you fighting me?”

You took a step back, “Right. I forgot I’m not allowed to be near you”

His eyes narrowed, “Excuse me?”

“Never mind. I’m going to go see if she’s okay or if she needs me”

He frowned, stepping in front of you, “You can’t just interrupt them. What if they’re having a moment?”

You squeezed your eyes shut. This was a fucking disaster, “He better not be proposing”

Hyunjin’s voice dropped, “Why? Wouldn’t you be happy for them?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth, Hyunjin. I would be happy. Obviously I’d be fucking happy. But Kairi loves him too much. She told me everything that happened. She would just get hurt again when he chooses the company over her.”

Hyunjin was quiet, eyes flickering over yours, voice dropping, “Is… that what you think I did?”

Your voice had lost its energy too, and you stared at him, “I’m not talking about—”

“Because that’s not what I did, Y/N”

You looked up at him, but you were shaking, “This is about her, not me”

He didn’t say anything. For a few seconds, you were both just staring at each other.

He sighed and chose to speak first, “Chan would never hurt her. Their decision to break up was mutual”

Unlike how things happened with you. “Yeah. I understand”

“It’s not just you. I’m worried about Chan too” He ran a hand through his hair. This was not the time to create a scene in public, so you curbed your anger, shoving it deep inside. He cared about Chan, and you cared about Kairi. That’s the only reason you were still here, and still talking to him. It was the only fucking reason you’d talk to him tonight. 

“I can’t believe it’s her birthday and she’s not even here” You mumbled, “All of this was for nothing then. I hope she’s not upset or crying somewhere in a corner”

For the first time this night, Hyunijn looked a tad guilty, brows furrowing, “Do you want to go check on them…?”

You hugged yourself tighter, the wind was picking up quickly, “I thought you just said we can’t interrupt them”

“We won’t”

Your eyebrows shot up.

“Isn’t there another place we can see the docks from…without interrupting them? To see how they’re doing…”

You ran a mental image of the campgrounds in your head, “Yeah, there is…”

And so, Hyunjin followed you. 

There was a clearing in the forest, a thick cover of trees that looked right out onto the docks. You’d seen it back when you came to scope out of the place with Kairi. You were taking him there. You focused on the sound of your footsteps, and on the party you were leaving behind. 

“So…what changed? Why did he pick today?” You surprised yourself by speaking first. 

Hyunjin seemed surprised too, and he glanced at you, “Um…I don’t really know. We were working on a few songs last night…and it’s like Chan had some great epiphany”

“Oh”

There were people swimming in the Han river, some of them were skinny dipping too, and Hyunjin averted his eyes as you passed them. It was so strange to be here, and talk to him, like everything was okay. His tall frame so close to you again, and he took longer strides than you but right now he was slowing down to keep up. You made sure there was enough distance between the two of you so your arms wouldn’t accidently brush. It was funny. Months ago, you used to pray for this to happen, to be alone with him, to have a reason to talk to him, and to accidently touch him. 

You tried to look for Chan and Kairi against the landscape, but they were too far so all you had was to settle for Hyunjin’s momentary glances on you. “You’re good at these” He suddenly said.

“Sorry?” You looked at him.

He looked around, making a noncommittal gesture, “Birthday parties. You planned everything, right?”

“I guess. It wasn’t all me” 

“You…always outdo yourself”

You looked up at him, from the corner of your eye, “I had help. I didn’t organise it on my own”

“I know…but I’ve seen how passionate you are about these things. The food…the music…it’s all very you”

You swallowed, wondering why he was deciding to be civil all of a sudden, or maybe he’d been civil all along and you were the one creating a fucking scene, “Thank you…”

“It reminds me of the beach party, for Felix’s birthday. That one…was so good too”

“Well, at least if things don’t work out with my art, maybe I can become a party planner” You mumbled.

Hyunjin laughed. He actually laughed. It was between a giggle and a chuckle and you looked up at him in surprise. He covered his mouth with his hand, eyes wide, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to agree with you. Things will obviously work out. You’re a great artist”

You couldn’t handle seeing him like this. Eyes crinkled, a real smile. Was he not miserable without you? You looked back at your feet, arms crossed over your chest, “Yup”

“So…is he your boyfriend?”

You looked up, “Sorry?”

Hyunjin seemed nonchalant as he asked, “Nate. The boy you were dancing with” His eyebrows were knitted together, as if he actually even cared if that was your boyfriend or not. 

“We’re here” You told him, choosing not to answer, pointing to a clearing in the trees, “You can see the dock right through there”

Hyunjin stepped ahead, forest leaves crunching under his feet as he did so. There was a pile of rocks and big boulders overlooking the river. Your view was being blocked by them, and you couldn’t see anything from here. 

“I’m just gonna climb up and check if we can see anything from there” He told you, and before you could tell him it was a bad idea, Hyunjin jumped up, easily climbing onto a boulder. It looked so easy for him.

You stood at the bottom, trying to warm yourself. You should have brought a coverup because the wind here was so strong, and you were half-naked. From where Hyunjin stood, he must have a clear view of the entire campground, a good vantage point…for spying on people, like you were now. He could see over the bushes, and you couldn’t, so you asked him, “Can you see them?”

Hyunjin responded, eyes in the distant, “Yeah I can”

“And…? Does she look upset? Are they fighting?”

Hyunjin was silent. You couldn’t see anything from down here, and you were frustrated. “Hyunjin…?” You whisper-yelled.

“Come up. You can see for yourself” He suggested, very unhelpful.

“I’m not wearing shoes. I can’t climb up rocks”

“I’ll help you” He said, turning to face you.

You looked up at him, and his hand was extended out to you. Did you really want his help? But you wanted to see for yourself. You didn’t trust him in the moment. So, you gave in, “Okay”

You grabbed his hand, only for the support, but a bolt of lightning travelled through you, through your entire body. You felt on fire, hair on the back of your neck standing up. Your heart skipped beats, and all you were doing was touching Hyunjin’s hand. It was so warm. His palm was baby-soft, like he’d been taking good care of himself, of his skin.

You tried not to let the shivers affect you. He bent down and mumbled, “Keep your foot here, and I’ll help with the rest okay?”

You climbed up onto a ledge, with sharp rocks jutting out, “If you drop me…”

“I won’t”

“Here goes nothing” You mumbled, keeping your foot on the ledge for balance, hoping you didn’t fall and embarrass yourself. Hyunjin pulled you up, tugging at your arm. You stood head-on, face inches from his. On this tiny boulder, there was barely any space for the two of you. Hyunjin clearly hadn’t calculated for that when he asked you to join him. Because now, you were pressed to each other, and his hand was on your bare waist, gripping you tightly so you won’t fall. Fuck, you’d really put yourself in this situation willingly.

“Shit. I’m so sorry” He realised, leaving his hold on you once you’d found your balance.

You were breathing heavy. Your eyes searched his, and his gaze was so familiar. Half-lidded eyes, dark hair falling into his forehead, lips pink...and plush up close. He was so beautiful, and his body was warm. 

His eyes fell to your body, noting the goosebumps on your chest, “You’re shivering”

“I’m fine”

“Take my sweater”

“Hyunjin…”

He didn’t let you finish and took off his dark woolen sweater. Inside, he was in a simple long-sleeved t-shirt that hugged him tightly. It was almost too small on him, and you could see the shape of his body through it. He handed you the warm sweater, and it was soft to the touch. You slipped it on over your bikini, and it smelled like him too.

He nodded, jutting his head towards the dock, “Um. There they are” 

You turned, trying to balance on the little space you had to stand, peering through the trees.

“Can you see them?” Hyunjin asked, maintaining a sliver of distance between you, as he tried to look over your shoulder. You could see them. Kairi and Chan sat at the edge of the dock, legs hanging off into the water. They weren’t touching, but they were sitting close together. They were talking about something, passionately, because you could hear hints of their voices all the way here.

“What…are they doing? They’re just…talking”

“Yeah” Hyunjin said, a puff of cold air leaving his mouth, “I guess they had a lot to catch up on”

Your heart clenched. You knew how much she loved him. “She missed him a lot…” You admitted.

Hyunjin glanced at you, and then back at them, “Yeah? He did too…he’s been in a lot of talks with the company”

“About what?”

His expression changed at your curiosity, “It’s not important, Y/N”

You frowned, even more curious now, “Tell me, Hyunjin”

He sighed, “It was… just about ensuring her security, in case they got back together, and even if they didn’t. Tracking down and suing the people that sent her the threats”

A flicker of hope lit up in you, for them, “Wasn’t that the only reason they weren’t together? Because of Kairi’s safety?”

Hyunjin looked at you, empty, downcast eyes, “No, when I came back to the city, they’d been having a lot of…arguments, and fights. I would hear Chan on the phone with her till the morning hours, just…arguing, about anything and everything. They weren’t even angry at each other, they were just frustrated because…he could barely give her time. It sucked, kind of felt like I’m a kid listening to my parents fall apart, you know? Watching their relationship fail right in front of me. The nights they stayed up arguing, Chan would show up to practice the next morning unmotivated and unfocused. It was affecting his work a lot. He was barely able to be creative”

You watched the side of his face, as he told you the tale of how this line of work had pulled Chan and Kairi apart. “So…what’s going to change now? Won’t they just go back to fighting?”

Hyunjin shrugged, “I don’t know. Things will never change. But I’m not gonna be the one to take away his hope”

“You really think that…?”

He looked at you, gaze piercing yours, “What?”

“That things are always going to be bad, that they won’t get better?”

“I don’t think that. I know it”

Your heart dropped, offended at the negativity he possessed, “Would it kill you to be a little more positive?”

He swallowed, looking right at you, “Me being positive is not gonna bring them back together”

Now he’d given up on his own best friend’s relationship too, what chance did you stand? You glanced back at Kairi and Chan, breath hitching in your throat at the sight. His hand was on her face now, caressing her, and he had inched closer. They looked…ethereal against the river and the moon.

“It just might” You mumbled. Chan was whispering something to her now, nose brushing against hers. It was so intimate, you suddenly felt like a voyeur.

Hyunjin inhaled, realising it at the same time as you, “We…shouldn’t watch this”

“We… shouldn’t have watched any of it” 

You turned, and Hyunjin had already jumped back onto the sandy terrain, and you wished you were as athletic as him. He made it look so easy. He was holding his hands out to you, “I got you”

You stared at him, and the way his hands were ready to catch you. He was wearing the same jewellery he always did, the same rings as the night he kissed you for the first time, and told you that you shouldn’t be worried because he wasn’t going anywhere. That all felt far too fabricated a lie now. Were any of those things he said true?

“I can get down on my own” You said, rejecting his offer to hold you, to touch you again.

“Are you sure?” He frowned, hands dropping to his side.

“Yup” You weren’t going to ask him for help again, so carefully, you stepped down, one foot on the ledge, trying to balance your weight out.

Hyunjin was watching carefully, and maybe it was good, because you fucking slipped.  Bare feet and rock climbing was not a good mix. One second, the rock was firm underneath you, the other it was gone. A yelp escaped you, but in half a second Hyunjin had stepped forward, catching you in his grip. He had you pressed you to the rocks, grip strong around your body, “Fuck. Are you okay?”

You couldn’t even find it in you to be embarrassed, staring up at him. There was no space between your bodies, and the moonlight fell right on him and his stupidly perfect face. You tried to catch your breath, but he was crushing you to the rocks. You couldn’t even breathe. Your hair fell in front of your face, and Hyunjin’s gaze flickered over it, as if he was itching to fix it. His hands dug into the fabric of the knit sweater, fingers poking in the holes, and his other hand…lay dangerously close to your ass, resting just at the end of your bikini.

So you still could feel like this again, like you would explode from human touch. You hadn’t felt this alive in the longest time, each nerve ending firing at full capacity. This is what attraction felt like, not what you had with your date in the bar, not what you felt when you kissed your friend. Your eyes searched his, for any remorse or guilt for what he’d done to you. You found none. 

"Please let go of me”

“What?”

“Let go of me, Hyunjin”

He dropped his hands from you immediately, hurt flashing through his eyes, and a part of you was happy he could still display that emotion. He’d been fauxing his emotions the entire night so well, he’d pushed them all aside, and you hated that. Why couldn’t he admit he missed you? He stepped back, apologetic, “I’m sorry. I just…wanted to make sure you were okay”

“I’m fine” You side-stepped him, walking back to the campgrounds through the trees. Hyunjin was quiet, and he followed you, a few steps behind. You knew because you could hear his breaths, and his footsteps against the crunching leaves.

After some minutes, he spoke, “Y/N…”

“I don’t want to talk to you” You were walking away from him, as fast as you could, hoping to put some distance between you.

“Y/N…you’re bleeding”

You stopped, “What?”

He stood a few steps behind, watching you, “Your leg. I think you…you cut yourself on the rock. The…branches”

You had far too much pride in the moment to even check if he was right. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t hurt” You mumbled, and began walking back towards the party again.

“It could get infected”

“Can you just stop talking, please? I can take care of myself”

“I’m sure you can. I’m just worried about you”

“Why are you even here?” You turned, walking back to him so you could be closer. Each step against the grass did hurt now. You must have cut yourself really bad, because the dirt was burning your wound, but you weren’t going to show your weakness, not right now. You were so far from the rest of the party, otherwise anybody would have been able to hear you arguing. You were thankful everybody else was distracted and having an actual good time, unlike you.

He frowned, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, why the fuck are you here? I didn’t invite you to this party. I want you to leave”

His eyes narrowed, “I’m not leaving Chan alone”

You let out a frustrated sigh, “He’s with Kairi, and they seem to be doing great without you!”

“You’re hurt…” He spoke, calm as fucking ever. Why couldn’t he just express himself, like he used to? Why was he wearing a shield? 

“As if that matters to you. The damage is done. I knew it wasn’t a good idea” You were talking about the cut on your leg, but of course you fucking weren’t.

He squeezed his eyes shut, “Just please let me take a look at it. I don’t want you to get hurt”

“It’s too late for that, Hyunjin”

He reached out, grabbing your arm with more force than you expected, to pull you closer, “Y/N. Stop fighting me. I’m not letting you go without making sure you’re all right”

The authority in his voice shocked you. You’d never heard Hyunjin so determined before, so aggressive. His eyes were narrowed, and his grip on your arm was strong but not tight enough to hurt you. You swallowed, wanting to suddenly cry because you were in so much pain and he was the reason for it all, “Fine”

His grip relaxed on you, and he let out a breath as if it was hurting him too. He looked around, eyes landing on the glass house hidden between the trees, “Can you walk till there?”

“Yeah”

You only felt a little shameful, walking over to the cabin, and you hope nobody was fucking in there or anything. Hyunjin pushed open the door, stepping inside, rummaging through the drawers and cabinets.

“Everything’s empty” He mumbled, a frustrated look in his eyes.

You leaned against the doorway, arms crossed, “Yeah. It’s a vacation rental, so there’s not gonna be any personal belongings. Maybe you could check in the bedroom”

He sighed, walking through the open doorway into the bedroom. The house was so…modern, and fancy, with large glass windows that faced the river. You could imagine how nice it’d be to spend the night here. There was an open four-claw white bathtub, and clearly this room was designed for sex. Why else would there be a tub in here? Hyunjin seemed impatient as he opened every cupboard, pulling open the drawers with gold knobs.

“Found anything?” 

He shook his head, “No…just condoms”

“Oh…”

“And a bottle of…lube” He chuckled, turning to look at you, arms crossed as he leaned against the dresser, “Yeah. nice planning. There’s no first aid kits, anywhere?”

“I don’t know” You sighed, “I wasn’t exactly planning on climbing up rocks”

Hyunjin ran a hand through his hair, “Right. Can you sit down?”

The bedsheets were nicely made, you didn’t want to ruin it but you were in pain now. You sat at the edge of it, hands in your lap. You had on Hyunjin’s sweater on top, but under that…you were still just in your bikini, legs bare. He knelt down on the floor, lifting your leg up in his hands. A wave of deja vu overwhelmed you. This position… reminded you of Felix’s birthday party. Almost the exact same thing had happened, when San had broken a beer bottle and Hyunjin had been worried about you. You stayed quiet, letting him probe around. The cut was near your Achilles heel, which explained why it hurt so much. Tenderly, he touched the skin around it, “Does this hurt?”

You nodded, biting your lip, “Yeah. It hurts.”

He sighed, looking up at you, intense gaze, “It’s…not that deep a cut, but…you shouldn’t go in the river or anything. It could get infected”

“So I’ll be fine? We’re done here?”

He let go of your leg so you could put it down, “Yeah”

Clearing his throat, he got up to walk to the door.

You stared after him, “You’re leaving?”

“There’s a store a few miles from here. I’ll get you a bandaid”

“What? You’re gonna drive all the way for that. That’s stupid. It’s…an hour away”

“Then it’s a good thing I’m not asking for your permission, is it?” He mumbled, pushing the door to walk back outside the house.

“Hyunjin” You groaned, getting up to follow him, “Wait! What are you doing?”

He threw his hands up, voice high, “I don’t know. What the hell do you want me to do?”

As if this was your fault, “Well, maybe don’t come to a party you’re not invited to. That would be a great start”

His voice shot up higher, “I’m sorry I fucked up, okay? I came here for Chan. I had no fucking idea you’d be here! I didn��t even know you knew Kairi, so how could I have guessed you’d be at her birthday party, Y/N?”

You swallowed, knowing he was right, frustrated tears rising up, “So you wouldn’t have come…if you knew I was here? I was right?”

He sighed, each word said so powerfully it cut through you, “Yes. It would have changed everything! I obviously would have preferred to stay home rather than watch you make out with your new boyfriend right in front of me!”

Your eyes widened, and it seemed like he instantly regret what he said.

He squeezed his eyes shut, “I’m sorry. I didn’t…mean to yell”

Hurried footsteps distracted you, and you turned to see Kairi walking up to you, confused gaze, “Hey. Why are you all the way here?”

“Kairi. Are you okay?” You asked, immediately embracing her, “I was looking for you earlier”

She nodded, “I am. I am. I just I got to talking with Chan, and we didn’t realise how much time had passed. I’m so sorry, oh my god. Does everybody hate me for abandoning my own party?”

You shook your head, pulling back to look at her, and you were happy to see that there were no tears, “No, no, they’re all having a good time. That doesn’t matter anyway, are you okay right now? Do you feel…okay?”

She nodded, “I am. Chan and me…we talked about a lot of shit. I’ll tell you everything”

“Where is he?” Hyunjin asked.

Kairi’s eyes widened at him, “Hwang fucking Hyunjin! What did I do to deserve the honor of you showing up to my party?”

He smiled at her, and it’s like his mood had changed instantly around her, “Happy birthday, Kairi”

She jumped into his arms, tackling him in a hug, “I missed you dumbass” He hugged her back, warmly, burying his head in her shoulder, “I missed you too, Kairi”

She pushed his hair out of his face, hands resting on his cheekbones, “You look fucking hot, Jinnie. It’s been a while”

His eyes sparkled at her, cheeks flushing, “I hope you’ve been taking care of yourself too”

Why couldn’t you be the one to get a reunion so warm?  It was your fault for being bitter anyway, and for trying to start a fight with Hyunjin. You don’t even know what you were trying to do.

“I see you two have been reunited” Chan laughed, walking over to you. He glanced at you, a sheepish smile on his face, “I’m sorry about earlier, Y/N…”

“It’s okay…” You told him, “I get it. You really needed to see her”

He nodded, looking around the grounds, “So did I completely ruin the party?”

“No” Kairi shook her head, “I think most of them are too drunk to even notice I’m gone. Although…Y/N might be a little sad” She pouted at you, “You planned everything. I’m sorry it didn’t go accordingly”

You felt conscious, feeling all their eyes on you, “No, I only did it for you. If you’re happy…that’s enough for me”

Chan nodded, glancing at his wristwatch, “Fuck. It’s getting really late. We have a flight in the morning. Should we drop you guys home?”

They had a flight? To where? You shook your head to answer him, “No, that’s okay. I’m…going with Jeonghan”

Kairi giggled at his mention, “Your boy was passed the fuck out a few minutes ago. I think he drank too much. Eric said they’re gonna drive back in the morning, when they’re all sobered up. Do you wanna wait till then?”

It was almost three am, and you don’t think you could wait till dawn, “Oh…no I’ll just take a taxi home. I have class at eleven”

“A taxi from here to the city? Of course not. That’s not safe” She frowned. You forced a smile at Kairi, “Um. I’ll just take it in the morning then”

“That’s a terrible idea” Hyunjin mumbled.

“Just come with us?” Chan offered, and his voice was so sweet it was hard to say no, but they’d all known each other for years, and you’d feel too awkward riding with them, “I’m just…gonna go check with Nate, if that’s cool” 

Chan nodded, casually, “Ah. We’ll be in the parking lot. Look for the black car”

You nodded, “Got it. Thanks Chan”

You glanced at Hyunjin, and he was already looking at you, arms crossed in front of his chest. He averted his gaze as soon as you caught him. 

Back at the bonfire, Jeonghan was sitting in a beach chair, talking to a group of strangers. They must be locals who had rented some cabins. His face lit up when he saw you walk to him, “Where’d you get that sweater? Is there a mall here I don’t know about?”

“It’s just my friends” You told him, not in the mood to joke, bending down to be level at him, “Kairi said you passed out. Are you okay?”

He nodded, smiling, “I’m fine, Y/N. I just found out that these people went to the same high school as me, in LA. Isn’t that crazy?”

You glanced over, at some locals who were sat in a circle. The set-up seemed cozy, there was cider and hotdogs that lay between them, “Oh wow. It’s a small world” You told him, “Um, I came here to ask…Kairi was headed home, and she asked if I wanna come with. But I said I’ll stay with you, make sure you’re okay and everything”

Jeonghan’s lips tugged up into a smile, “Y/N. I’m more than okay. You seem tired, on the other hand. Maybe you should let Kairi take you home? I think I’ll chat here with them for an hour or so”

You nodded, biting your lip, “Are you sure? I don’t want to leave you here alone”

He rolled his eyes, “Are you trying to make me fall in love with you?”

You swallowed, “I’m just being a good friend, Nate”

He leaned ahead, pinching your cheek, “I know and so am I. Please, just get some sleep. You seem exhausted”

You sighed, dread filling you. This meant you’d have to ride with Hyunjin. “All right. I’ll…see you in class on Monday then?”

You got up, to leave but he tugged at your arm, voice dropping, “The boy from earlier. Was that…the guy we saw in the elevator…at Pegasus?”

You looked around, but nobody was listening, so you nodded, “Yeah. That was him”

Understanding settled in his features, “He was…looking at you the entire time he was here. When we were dancing…drinking. He...didn’t look away from you for a second”

“You saw that?”

“Mmh. Is that…the same guy you wanted to…Eternal Sunshine out of your mind?”

You smiled, the movie reference catching you off guard, “Yeah, but um, don’t tell anyone, please”

He grinned, imitating a zip over his mouth, “My lips are sealed”

»»————-

There was a black car in the parking lot. You found your shoes, and your jeans, abandoned by the check-in area at the campground, slipped them on and walked over to the car. The three of them stood there, and the trunk was open. Chan sat in the back, leg pulled up, sipping beer and Kairi was snuggled up to him. It was chilly out here. Hyunjin…stood across them, hands on his waist and they were laughing about something. He seemed so carefree when you weren’t there. His eyes were crinkled, and his laughter echoed in the open night. 

His sweater on you was warm, and you felt shy and awkward as you made your way to them, “Hey”

Kairi’s eyes lit up, “Y/N! Nate isn’t coming?”

“He…said he wanted to stay a bit”

“Perfect. We were waiting for you, so we could cut the cake” Chan smiled.

“What?” You laughed, noticing the little bento cake sat neatly in the back of the trunk, “Here? Just...the four of us?”

“Mmh” Kairi nodded, “My favorite people ever. It’s perfect”

Your heart warmed, and nothing had gone to plan, but it wasn’t up to you, “Sure... Why not?”

She jumped up, standing next to you on the concrete as Chan opened the box carefully. He dug into his pockets for a lighter, and lit the candles. It was…definitely not the way you’d envisioned tonight, but this was about Kairi, and in a way…this was perfect. 

Under the moonlight, in the empty parking lot, the glow of the candles was bright. Kairi leaned in, closing her eyes to make a wish, and then blew hard on the candles. Chan laughed loudly, singing a bad rendition of Happy Birthday, and you smiled at the sight. 

It was strange how they found solace in each other, in an abandoned lot miles away from the nearest city. The celebration was small, much smaller than you’d planned…but it still felt complete. You hugged Kairi, arms tight around her, and she hugged Hyunjin after you. You wonder if your scent lingered on him, through her. He said something to make her laugh, and she teased him by smearing frosting on his cheek. Hyunjin gasped, dramatically, dipping his finger right into the cake. 

“No, no, no!” Kairi laughed, hiding behind Chan. Chan rolled his eyes, “Jinnie. You’re not putting cake on her” 

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, laughing, “Relax…” Although clearly he’d been planning to do just that. Instead of putting it on her face, he licked his finger, tongue swirling around it. 

Kairi got on her toes, pulling Chan in for a hug. You still don’t know what they talked about that made them so happy again, but you would have to be patient and she would tell you everything. For a few seconds, they just held each other, indulging in and enjoying each other’s embrace Your gaze drifted to Hyunjin. There was a small smile on his face, and shamelessly he watched them. You remember how much he loved Chan and Kairi. They were…the world to him. So… he must be the happiest right now. 

Your own smile fell though, the longer you looked at Hyunjin. He must be cold, but he’d given you his sweater…it wasn’t much but it was everything right now. He made you crave him always, even when you were supposed to be so angry at him. The adoration in his eyes, the softness in his gaze…it used to be yours. He used to look at you like that, and you still didn’t understand what changed.

What happened to make him change towards you so drastically? Why didn’t he want you anymore? After the way you’d acted tonight, showing your immature, petty and vengeful side, he probably wouldn’t want to even…associate with you anymore. A wave of sadness hit you. Had your anger ruined any chance you had with him tonight? 

But…why wouldn’t you be angry at him? You had every right. Or maybe…he’d just think of you as the bitchy ex-girlfriend for the rest of his life. You were an anecdote to tell his future lovers, a girl to mention in passing, someone he had a fling with one summer. To you, he was the entire world…but he’d never reciprocate the feeling. You’d ruined everything, because of your sadness. Tears shot up to your eyes, and you looked away. 

You wish you never met Hyunjin. Your own thought killed you.

“Come on. We should get going, if we hope to make it to Seoul by dawn” Chan said, pulling away, hoarse voice. 

“You’re not driving are you?” Kairi asked him, “There’s a lot I wanna talk to you about”

“She means she wants to get drunk with you in the backseat” Hyunjin laughed.

“Same difference” Kairi shrugged, and then turned to you, “You don’t mind riding shotgun, right? Hyunjin’s a good driver”

How did you end up in this situation anyway? You'd already told Kairi that you had no problem with Hyunjin. You'd already caused so much trouble tonight.

“Yeah. I don’t mind” You mumbled. Chan closed the trunk, after making sure the cake was secure, and you walked to the front. You didn’t even know they had their own cars. You’d always assumed their managers drove for them, but their company probably had no idea they were even here. 

Huh. Hyunjin broke the rules for Chan. Just not for you.

You settled into the passenger seat, and Hyunjin sat next to you. 

“Jinnie, you’re gonna have to adjust the seat for yourself” Chan told him, as he and Kairi settled comfortably in the backseat.

“Ah. The sins of being tall” Kairi joked. In the rear view mirror, you saw them immediately snuggle together, and Chan wrapped an arm around her, like they couldn’t bear to be apart. Must be nice. You were jittery, and anxious again, having Hyunjin in such close proximity to you. You rest your hand on the console, trying to not look at his side profile, trying to not think of how you were in his sweater over your wet swimsuit.

Chan moved ahead, hand landing on the back of your seat, “So, Y/N. Tell me more. Now that you’re finally here, I’d love to hear about you”

You bit your lip, “I’m sure you already know everything there is to know about me…”

A warm sensation made you jump, and you realised Hyunjin had accidentally placed his hand on top of yours, on the console between you. 

“Sorry” He apologised, pulling his hand back.

“Um. It’s fine” You put your hands in your lap. You’d forgotten how warm and comforting his hand was. You wanted to hold it again, for the rest of the ride. Glancing in the rearview, Chan was saying something to Kairi, her face held in his big hands as he looked at her with so much love in his eyes. Perhaps this is why their car had blacked out windows.

“So…how long will it take us to get home, Jinnie?” He asked.

Hyunjin glanced at the GPS, that was above the console, “Says about three hours”

“Fuck. I’m definitely gonna fall asleep” Kairi laughed, and Chan nodded, “Me too”

Hyunjin reached into the glove compartment, taking out a pair of thin silver-rimmed glasses. He put them on, and you’d never seen him wear these before so these must be anti-glare, for the drive. Regardless…he looked suddenly ten times hotter than before, and you looked away. You would blame the alcohol for how attracted you felt to him in this moment.

“What are you waiting for, Jinnie?” Kairi asked him.

“Um. Car won’t start until everyone has their seatbelts in”

He glanced at you, and before you could even think, he had leaned over to your side, pulling your belt out of the hook. Your breath stopped as his face hovered over yours but his gaze was focused on the strap as he pulled it towards him. He clicked it in place for you, crossing the strap over your chest, and waist, then he asked you, voice low and hoarse, “That comfortable?”

Just for a second, he looked up at you, eyes meeting yours. His strong scent infiltrated you. You had no words to say. He was so close, and you just nodded, hoping that would be enough.

“We’re good now” He spoke, leaning back into his own seat, and started the car. There was absolutely no fucking need for him to be doing that for you. You knew how to put a seatbelt on, but now you wished he was always there to do it for you. 

Your chest was pounding embarrassingly loud. You think everybody could hear it. You glanced at him, and his hands rested on the wheel, and he looked so fucking attractive. The thin glasses rested on his nose, and he licked his lips, turning around, one hand on the wheel, other on the back of your seat so he could reverse the car out of its parking lot. God, you wish you never met him but you wanted to jump over the console into his lap, and kiss him for the rest of your life. 

Hyunjin cleared his throat, and looked at you before turning to face the road again. His gaze dropped to your body for a second, to his sweater hugging you tightly. You weren’t talking to each other, but… your gaze mirrored his, you’re sure. You stared at his face illuminated in the moonlight, darkened look in his eyes. So, he couldn't love you, but you still had an effect on him, and it made you feel proud. Anybody in the world would be able to tell what you wanted to do to each other. Even right now, when you hated him more than anything. Even when he’d broken your heart and made no attempt to patch it back up. 

You both said nothing, as he focused on the road, pulling out of the campgrounds to catch the highway. The silence was enough. You’d been in this car for just a few minutes, and you were already dying, air thick with tension. 

There were three long hours to Seoul, on a dark highway through the woods, with only the moonlight to guide you, and Hyunjin was inches from you. 

You had no idea how you’d make it there, without completely ruining each other.

»»————-

masterlist ⇒

please let me know if you liked the chapter, or any thoughts on this part! thank you :) 

#hyunjin x reader #hyunjin smut #angst #Hyunjin imagines #skz x reader #skz imagines #fluff #friends to lovers #hwang hyunjin x reader

[sexiestpodcastcharacter]

Sexiest Podcast Character — Unscripted Bracket — Round 3

Propaganda

Glenn Close (Dungeons & Daddies):

#Propaganda for Glenn Close: one of the other PCs mentions multiple times how hot he is #Actually several characters point it out but especially Henry #Also the only person in a podcast that has to put a disclaimer about not being a BDSM podcast to have had sex during the course of the show

PLEASASSWEEPLEASE TOU DONT HUNRERFSTABDS

GLENN GLENN GLENN ITS GLENN VOTE GLENN VOTE FOR THE BOY

We didn’t do hot Glenn summer for him to LOSE. Spoilers for his story but MORE PROPAGANDA FOR YOU:

Young hot rocker dilf

Loyal to his dead wife <3

Does in fact smoke weed

BARD!! HES A BARD. HE WAS LEAD GUITAR IN HIS BAND (that he was kicked out of)

His band was a Christmas cover band btw.

Literally the fandom had hot Glenn summer which consisted of drawing him being incredibly hot and sexy

Anti government (ofc)

Kind of cringefail (Disney adult) (was on dilfs of disneyland)

Young and sexy not your style? Then how about HIM AFTER YEARS LOCKED IN A TIME PRISON WITH A DAMN HANNIBAL MASK ??

Lost an eye and wears a fucking eyepatch

One incredibly buff arm

Has a pet rat named after his son <3

Immeasurable amounts of trauma in this man- becomes progressively more unhinged

OH OLD HUMAN BARD ISNT CUTTING IT? FINE

HE BECOMES A FUCKING DEMON

A COOL HOT ONE-EYED DEMON WHO WANTS TO KILL HIS DAD (also sexy)

HE CANONICALLY ENDS CHRISTIAN HELL VIA CHRISTMAS

IS ALSO WAY OVERLEVELED

Becomes a demon hunter for the rest of his existence

Also nonwhite !!! We are done with cringefail whiteboys !!!!!!!!!

I can’t put into words ok just know he is the best plz love him.

GLENN GLENNNNNN

Listen, I don't know this other character but I've seem some good arguments for her However Consider Glenn Close winning through no effort of his own in a bullshit way despite being a dick is the most in character thing ever. He leveled up three times and got a crab mech, we GOT to give him this win, it's fitting

I haven't dedicated the last 2 months of my life drawing Glenn close for him to lose

Vote for Glenn Close or I will make you read the parody I did of the vaporeon copypasta

I don’t regulate if minors follow me or not bc I’m a pretty chill space but I hope the world is aware that’s the only reason I haven’t been downright nasty about Glenn close. I’m down bad. I’m NOT in the boat of ‘Glenn isn’t sexy but I want him to win bc it’s my fandom’. I would estimate I have 200+ drawings of Glenn on my phone that AREN’T safe for work. Way more that are. Where did they come from? That’s MY business. But I tell you this fact to assure you- Glenn IS sexy. I’m not voting to represent my fandom I’m voting out of TRUTH AND LOVE. IF YOU DON’T GET IT YOU DON’T GET IT!!! I just think my level of feral over this man is more powerful than y’all realize. If you don’t get his sex appeal that’s okay, but don’t doubt that this is my truth.

VOTE GLENN

Glenn fuckers fought tooth and nail to get us here from like 38% dawg we DESERVE THIS. GLENN IS THE SEXIEST MAN!!! HE WAS THE FIRST FICTIONAL CHARACTER I FOUND HOT AND HE’S GONNA CONTINUE TO SWEEP!!! Your hot goat woman sounds sexy don’t get me wrong but I’m forever fighting for the man that changed my brain chemistry. Proud of our fandom tbh. I don’t think y’all understand the sheer amount of effort I have put in to get my boy where he is today but this placement feels well earned. TO GLENN SWEEP!!

THE FUCK YOU MEAN GLENN CLOSE ISNT WINNING IM BOUT TO THROW HANDS FR

Okay but Glenn made a minivan cum by talking to her so

Yalll better vote glenn i swear to god

Vote Glenn or else the bird gets it🐦🛸

HOW IS MY DUDE NOT WINNING????

GLEN GELN NELG GLENNANN HE DESERVS ITTTT

HE HAS A BOOK THAT HE MARKS X’S AND CHECKS FOR EVERY DAY TO SEE IF THAT DAY WAS A SUCCESS OR NOT. TO SEE IF HE DID GOOD THAT DAY. ITS ALMOST ENTIRELY X’S. HE WAS CUCKED OUT OF A SON. AND A DEAD WIFE. HE DIDN’T EVEN GET TO KILL HIS DAD IN REVENGE. There’s absolutely nothing going for him except his sex appeal in his life. Nobody he loved remembers him. He lost his eye. All he has is a pet rat and friends who admit they don’t really like him that much. He was kicked out of his own band. The band was named after him. He was kicked out of the Glenn Close trio. All he could do was deez nuts the big bad and be sexy. If nothing else, then pity him. Look in his eyes. Look at his heart and soul. Do you think pickman needs this to feel good about herself? Can she not accept a loss for the sake of a pathetic father? Can she shake hands with the minivan fucker and his human gun and just take the L on this one? He did not do the BDSM episode for this I’ll tell you what. Do this for my his sake. Do it for Nick Jr, who needs the prize money to pay for his rat snacks. Do it for his son. For Morgan. Ganbatte.

Mod Note: While I will still take "bad dads are sexy" propaganda and "bad dads aren't sexy" anti-propaganda, I kindly request no more discussion on whether or not he was a bad father. This is a sexypoll, not a parentingpoll. If you see a post you strongly disagree with, you can just not reblog it.

Taako (The Adventure Zone: Balance):

A celebrity chef from another plane

#Round 3 #Glenn Close #Taako #Dungeons & Daddies #Dungeons and Daddies #The Adventure Zone #TAZ Balance

[thesupernaturalhouse]

This started out as a funny snipper. How tf did it turn into a fanfic?? Also this took me so long anyways, pt3 of the accidental overlord vaggie fic

Alastor: shoves Vaggie between him and Rosie and drops Frank onto her lap

Vaggie: trying to process how tf a giant dragon got through an elevator among many other things

Carmilla: thank you for coming today. I've gathered you all here to talk about the millions of souls-

Vaggie squeaks so quiet no one hears her: I'm sorry fucking how many??....How- How do you check that?? Gets ignored

She's just squeezing poor frank like a stress toy

Carmilla ignores her: You own. And how their at risk with the new extermination schedule. And how we minimize the damage going to be caused by it.

Finally looking aorund the room

Carmilla: Zestial, so god to see you- ....Alastor?? And- eyes narrow the protective overlord

Alastor, leaning over to block vaggie form view because he's petty as fuck: hello! Yes yes, I know, I've been absent for a longgg time and I'm sure youre all DYING to knwo where I've been~

Carmilla:...no. not really, shrugs but welcome back anyways I suppose....I am interested about who you've brought though....

Vaggie: just staring out into space, regretting her life choices and trying to count how many people owe her 'favors'

Carmilla slgihtly concerned/unnerved: In any case, this year's extermination was brutadal. A good 16% of the population was killed off. With them coming back in only 6 months I think it prudent that we-

Velvette: just fucking kicks the door open Yeah, I've got it handled Vox? Are you doubting me? ME might I remind you? Yeah, no. That's what I thought. Yes, yes, I know, thank you V, see you later Okay, bye, kisses darling!

Carmilla: nice of you to finally join us, Velvette. Will you.....colleges? be joining us?

Velvette: What? No way. They have better shit to do than to listen to some old windbag who think she's tough shit! Haha, no. Immm here to represent!

Carmilla:...charming. now, back to what I was saying, we need to-

Velvette: waves her arm frantically

Camilla feeling like a preschool teacher: yes??

Velvette: well, on the topic of discussssss throws exorcists head down let's discuss

Alastor: oooo tasty!!

Vaggie: ohhhhh my god....whispering to herself is that Tuff?? Wtf- how??

Carmilla:......where...did you get this?

Velvette: doesn't matter. We found it, though. And if these angle fuckers can be killed, then the game of cat and mouse has changed, the boys and I have-

Vaggies distressed squeaking as Velvette continues, Zestial jsut slumps his tea

Velvette:....the fuck is wrong with you two?? Looks at vaggie leans downs to get closer....also you're new

Vaggie: uhhhhh......thank?? You??

Velvette: narrows eyes before her head snaps ti zestial

Zestial: we shouldn't go to war with such meger proof.

Velvette:...meger- MEGER PROOF!? ITS a dead fucking Exorcist!!! What more do you WANT!? A video of it being killed?? No- this is definitive proof- if you can't see that, maybe you're going blind old man.

Zestial: it may be dead but how? It could be by a demon, but mayhaps it died due to unrelated reasons

Vaggie: Well, angles have hurt their own kind. Wouldn't be suprised if killing was another option for them

Everyone's heads snap to her

Vaggie:.....did....I say that out loud?

Carmillas narrows her eyes: how do you know that.

Vaggie: I um...I....I saw it happening?

Velvette:....wait aren't you the princesses whore? What are you doing out if your bird cage hm?

Vaggie: I....what??

Carmilla shaking her head: we're getting off topic.

Zestial: Carmilla is right. If we rush to war the angles would purge all of the sinners for daring to even TRY an uprising

Overlords: muttering

Alastor: why don't we put it to a vote?

Vaggie: depends is one of the options 'can we all just go home pelase?'

Alastor: hmmm no!

Vaggie grumbling: I hate you.

Velvette narrows eyes: ohhh okay I see. Grandpa's to scared to make a move! So then there's no point in it huh?

*the respect less song which I am not writing*

Zeezi: pft, what the hell? we literally JUST got here!

odette:....mom??

Carmille:....meeting dismissed.

Vaggie: uh, does this mean we can go home?- gets glared at .....okay sits back down like a scolded kid as she thinks about wtf jsut happened

Vaggie to herself in a defeated tone:.....she never told me how to see how many souls I own.....how many people owe me favors?

Proceeds to try and calculate and count on her fingers and Alastor watches in amusement, after sending off frank, and Rosie watches slightly concerned as to wtf her friend did to this teenage child....and maybe also finding it a bit funny

Part 2 | Part 3(here!) | Part 4

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel au #hazbin hotel vaggie #accidental overlord vaggie au #hazbin hotel alastor #Hazbin hotel carmilla #hazbin hotel velvette #Hazbin hotel overlords #Hazbin hotel rosie #This is the closest to the episode since I had to re watch the meeting scene to write it

[marsprincess889]

THE PRINCESS DIARIES - coming into your power.

Astrological analysis with nakshatras

The princess diaries, 1 and 2, are forever on the list of my favorite movies. Girls all over the world feel for Mia and I'm no exception, I almost always cry during certain scenes and I'm amazed again and again by how relatable and real she is, by how those movies speak to young girls.

I've decided to break down the main themes in the two movies by analyzing nakshatras of the people involved.

A quick recap of what the story is about: Mia is a 15 year old teenager living in San Francisco with her mother. She's clumsy, awkward and has no self esteem. One day, her estranged grandmother comes to visit her from Europe to tell her that she's the only legitimate heir to rule a small country- Genovia.

Director of the movies, Garry Marshall has Ketu in Magha. Magha is about ancestors, bloodlines and it's also associated with royalty (Magha begins the signs of Leo). Ketu in a chart represents a person's primal creative energy. This explains why he was drawn to a story about royalty. One interesting fact to note is that Gary Marshall made two very iconic movies (Pretty Woman and Runaway Bride) starring Julia Roberts who has been a kind of muse to him and who has Magha moon. This is also a pattern with directors and actors, one example I can think of is Kirsten Dunst (Ashlesha moon, Purva Ashadha Ketu) being a muse to Sofia Coppola (Purva Ashadha moon, Ashlesha Ketu).

Anyways, let's get back to The Princess Diaries and analyze the heart of the two movies- the relationship between Mia and her grandmother, queen Clarisse.

Anne Hathaway - Hasta moon, Vishakha sun, Jyeshta rising

Julie Andrews - Vishakha moon, Hasta sun, Uttara Phalguni rising

SPOILER ALERT

Part 1

Hasta- strong females

The second movie's main theme is about female empowerment and independence. When the parliament refuses to let Mia rule without a husband, she has 30 days to arrange a marriage and she's willing to do it, just because she wants to rule so much that's she's ready to make such a sacrifice. At the last second she breaks down at her wedding, unable to be betray herself and finds courage inside her to make the parliament change their minds. She succeds and becomes queen without a husband.

Hasta is all about female empowerment but unlike Bharani, it's in a non-sexual, celibate way. Hasta, as a woman, completely rejects almost all male influence and is capable of being self-reliant, only opening up to rare men who she deems worthy. Hasta is the female that does not need a man and in that way, is a safe and empowering place for women.

There's a scene in the second movie where Mia stops the parade to defend a small girl from boys who were bullying her. She tells her how to be a princess and empowers her, letting her and the other kids join the parade. During the monologue at the end, when Mia is talking to the parliament at her wedding, we see women accross the country intently listening to her on the television, shushing the men . 😆

Part 2

Vishakha - joining opposites

Like Hasta, both Anne Hathaway and Julie Andrews have Vishakha in their luminaries. Vishakha nakshatra is about joining opposites. It begins in the sign of Libra (partnerships, agreements, relationships, compromise) with its last quarter being in Scorpio (death, transformation, occult). Vishakha is ruled by the gods Indra and Agni- the lightning and fire gods. It's about energized ebthuasiasm, cultivating something over time, about using the pent up energy or anger. It's another name is Radha ("the gift", hence the next nakshatra being Anuradha- "after the gift".)

"The gift" is not just good, it can also be unwelcome, like in Mia's case, when she was angered by the revelation that she's a princess. Queen Clarisse and Mia are very different from each other, but neither had a choice but to compromise and agree to a bargain. They learn to appreciate their differences and embrace their similarities, thus, joining opposite forces.

They do have misunderstandings, but that's part of all relationships and eventually they bond deeply as they realize they have the same goal. Vishakha is also connected to anger and the little outbursts they both have definitely show that. One great example is when Mia ruins Lana's (her bully's) outfit and calls her a jerk in front of everyone after always just silently ignoring her remarks.

Joining opposites in this movie is not just about Mia and the Queen, it's also about the two cultures, also about the first movie being a high school drama as well as a fairytale for young girls.

Part 3

Jyeshta - from underdog to the ruler

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."

-Mia's father to her in a letter

To me, Jyeshta is connected to the underdog who succeeds despite all odds. Jyeshta 's power is to "rise, conquer and gain courage in battle". It's the stage of intense competition. Its deity is Indra- lightning god and the king of the gods, like Vishakha. We see other kids bully Mia in the first film but she slowly places herself above it, making her point (by taking her little revenge on Lana) and then not engaging with them anymore, as she realizes her own self- worth.

A major point in the movie is when she decides not to run away despite being scared to speak to the public, showing her true courage.

Besides Indra- the king of the gods, another deity associated with Jyeshta is Dhumavati- the hag goddess who is eternally hungry. Because of this, I think Jyeshta is associated with grandmothers and our relationship to them. I personally have exalted Ketu in Jyeshta and I was practically raised by my father's late mother (unlike my sibling, mind you. I'm the eldest) and I still have a close relationship with my mother's mother. Mia, played by Jyeshta ascendant Anne Hathaway, also has a very special relationship with her grandmother.

So, in the end, the bullied underdog became a princess and eventually- a queen.

Some bonuses:

Uttara Phalguni is associated with gaining wealth and privileges from partnerships. Uttara Phalguni ascendant Julie Andrews playing queen Clarisse, who became a royal by marriage, confirms that.

Heather Mattarazo (Lily) and Anne Hathaway were born only a few days apart, hence their charts being similar and them playing best friends.

So, this is it. If you found this interesting, please, interact with me, like, comment, reblog. Take care 🤍

#the princess diaries #vedic astrology #astrology #nakshatras #astrology observations #hasta #hasta nakshatra #vishakha #vishakha nakshatra #jyeshta #jyestha #jyeshta nakshatra #jyestha nakshatra #astro notes #astrology tumblr #sidereal astrology #Spotify #magha #magha nakshatra

[sc0tters]

So Long | Quinn Hughes

summary: after years of no contact you finally reach out to Quinn, but in the way he’d least expect.

request: yes/no

warnings: swearing, mentions of death.

word count: 2.03k

authors note: so I’ve never written anything like this before. But it felt interesting and I rolled with it. Going through that “I don’t know if I like what I write” phase again so just bare with me for the next few days.

You were meant to be the girl where things didn’t work out.

Quinn met you during the summer of 2015. You were both still in high school and your family had just made the move from Tennessee to Michigan, where your father purchased the new lake house.

Quickly you two became as thick as thieves constantly at each others side. That was how your summers were when you two built onto your friendship constantly growing closer than you ever thought possible.

So it was no surprise when you both landed up at the university of Michigan where you were quickly asked to be Quinn’s girlfriend.

The whole Hughes family adored you much like how your family adored him.

You were in the car arguing about how Quinn intended on moving to Vancouver to join his new team, the Canucks “don’t you love me anymore?” Quinn felt his throat grow raw as the argument seemed to ensue.

Tears ran down your face as your heart broke at the question “of course I love you baby,” you reached out to grab his hand as you wanted to feel some kind of comfort from all of this but he instead decided to pull away.

Quinn stared out of the window watching the raindrops dance on the glass seeming unaware of what was going on inside of the car “then why are you breaking up with me?” His question rang through your ears.

There were many reasons that came to your mind, you were mainly trying to protect him as you hoped that he would hate you after this all. But instead you couldn’t reveal the truth “we just aren’t meant to be together.” In the logical part of your brain you knew that it was true, but your heart wanted to erase this conversation from your brain forever.

Your comment only hurt him more “you can’t mean that.” You were the first girl that Quinn opened his heart up to entirely, it was all in the palm of your hand and that terrified the eldest Hughes boy.

Quinn couldn’t even look you in the eye as he heard your sobs over the hum of the engine “I want you to be happy-” you made it sound like he needed more than you “I am happy goddammit!” Quinn yelled turning around as he flung his arms in frustration.

It made you choke on your tears as you shook your head “I need you to be happy without me.” It was tough for you to admit but some sense of comfort was going to be brought to you if you knew that Quinn had moved on.

It had been years since that moment in the car. Quinn tried to move on from you, but your abrupt exit from his life left the hockey player wondering how this is his fault.

Despite Ellen and Jim’s efforts to tell Quinn that you leaving was a choice that you made, it seemed to always fall on deaf ears.

So when your moms car pulled up to the Hughes lake house, it was safe to say that the whole family was taken by surprise when only your mom seemed to leave it.

She looked tired as her cheeks seemed tear stained and she carried a stack of letters that represented the way she felt carrying the world on her shoulders.

Ellen was quick to open the door trying to urge your mom inside for a coffee so they could catch up “I can’t stay.” Your mom sighed shaking her head.

Her hand seemed to shake as she held out five letters “I came to drop these off.” She explained holding them out for Ellen to grab.

It was clear that the blonde was confused but she still listened “send your family my best okay?” Ellen’s voice was soft as she could tell that something was up.

All your mom could do was nod before she made her way back to the car trying to avoid being in tears as she knew you would have hated seeing her cry.

Quinn was quick to run to his mom to see what happened “what did she want?” He enquired trying to figure out what was going on.

Whilst Ellen tried to piece the bits of information together she shrugged “I don’t actually know.” She mumbled realising that each of the letters were addressed to someone in the family: Ellen, Jim, Lukey, Big Shot, Love.

Ellen held out the final one to Quinn “I think that this one is for you.” She sent her son a comforting smile as the boy grabbed it from her hand.

His finger ran over the name inked out in black pen. You were the only one who called him that and it was in your writing, a style he would recognise from anywhere.

Quinn knew you didn’t like letters, they were weird and you always seemed to thing they were meant to tell some sad sob story. So it made him nervous that you had written one.

Ellen watched as Quinn shook his head “I don’t want to read it.” It had been all these years since you two last spoke, so why were you reaching out like this.

Surely if you wanted to talk you would have driven up to the house yourself “just give her a chance.” Ellen urged him as something in her gut told her that this was serious.

Rolling his eyes Quinn figured he’d listen to his mom “fine but don’t be surprised when I come back and tell you that it’s stupid.” Given his knowledge of your dislike for letters, Quinn hoped that he would find some kind of comfort there.

It was warm as the sun shone on the water “what are you thinking about?” Quinn asked as your feet danced in the water beneath the dock.

You smiled as you looked up at him “I always feel close to you when I’m by the water.” You confessed seeing his cheeks turn pink.

Quinn rubbed his elbow against yours “you make it sound like the water is our place.” Quinn couldn’t help but laugh at his comment before he went silent seeing that you looked like a lightbulb had gone off above his head.

It made you smile when you thought about it “when you miss me visit the water, and I promise I’ll be there too.” You proposed sticking your pinky finger out to him “you know what? Okay.” Quinn shrugged licking his finger with yours as he smiled.

𝐻𝑒𝓎 𝒬𝓊𝒾𝓃𝓃,

𝐼𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝓇𝑒𝒶𝒹𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝓁𝑒𝓉𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝐼 𝓅𝓇𝑜𝒷𝒶𝒷𝓁𝓎 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒𝓃’𝓉 𝓂𝒶𝒹𝑒 𝒾𝓉. 𝒜 𝓈𝑒𝒸𝓇𝑒𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝐼 𝓀𝑒𝓅𝓉 𝒻𝓇𝑜𝓂 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝒶𝓈 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝓇𝑒𝑒 𝓌𝑒𝑒𝓀𝓈 𝒷𝑒𝒻𝑜𝓇𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓁𝑒𝒻𝓉 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝒱𝒶𝓃𝒸𝑜𝓊𝓋𝑒𝓇, 𝐼 𝓌𝒶𝓈 𝒹𝒾𝒶𝑔𝓃𝑜𝓈𝑒𝒹 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝓁𝑒𝓊𝓀𝒶𝑒𝓂𝒾𝒶.

Quinn felt his heart drop as he read out the first line “what?” He asked feeling emotions all come flooding into his brain as he thought back to that summer. How on earth could he have not picked up that the love of his life was sick?

𝐼 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝓅𝓇𝑜𝒷𝒶𝒷𝓁𝓎 𝓌𝑜𝓃𝒹𝑒𝓇𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒽𝑜𝓌 𝒾𝓉 𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓅𝑒𝓃𝑒𝒹 𝑜𝓇 𝓌𝒽𝓎 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒹𝒾𝒹𝓃’𝓉 𝓃𝑜𝓉𝒾𝒸𝑒. 𝒲𝒽𝒾𝓁𝓈𝓉 𝐼 𝒸𝒶𝓃’𝓉 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒻𝒾𝓇𝓈𝓉 𝓆𝓊𝑒𝓈𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃, 𝐼 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝑔𝒾𝓋𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓈𝑒𝒸𝑜𝓃𝒹 𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝒶 𝒸𝓇𝒶𝒸𝓀. 𝐼𝓃 𝓉𝓇𝓊𝓉𝒽 𝓃𝑜𝒷𝑜𝒹𝓎 𝓃𝑜𝓉𝒾𝒸𝑒𝒹, 𝓂𝓎 𝓅𝒶𝓇𝑒𝓃𝓉𝓈 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝑜𝓃𝓁𝓎 𝑜𝓃𝑒𝓈 𝓌𝒽𝑜 𝓀𝓃𝑒𝓌 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝐼 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉𝑒𝒹 𝒾𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓎 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓌𝒶𝓎. 𝐵𝓊𝓉 𝒷𝒶𝒸𝓀 𝓉𝑜 𝓂𝓎 𝓁𝑒𝓉𝓉𝑒𝓇.

𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓈𝑜𝓃 𝓌𝒽𝓎 𝐼 𝒷𝓇𝑜𝓀𝑒 𝓊𝓅 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝒶𝓈 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝐼 𝒽𝑜𝓅𝑒𝒹 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌���𝓊𝓁𝒹 𝓂𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝑜𝓃 𝒻𝓇𝑜𝓂 𝓊𝓈, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝒶𝓈 𝐼 𝓌𝓇𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝐼’𝓂 𝓁𝒾𝓈𝓉𝑒𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝑜 𝒩𝒶𝓃𝒸𝓎 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒩𝑜𝓇𝒶 (𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓉𝓌𝑜 𝓃𝓊𝓇𝓈𝑒𝓈 𝓌𝒽𝑜 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓁𝒾𝓈𝓉𝑒𝓃𝑒𝒹 𝓉𝑜 𝓂𝑒 𝑔𝑜 𝑜𝓃 𝒶𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊.) 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓉𝑜𝓁𝒹 𝓂𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒹𝑒𝓈𝑒𝓇𝓋𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓇 𝓂𝓎 𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓈𝑜𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓈𝑜 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝒾𝓈 𝓂𝑒 𝓉𝓇𝓎𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝑜 𝑔𝑒𝓉 𝒾𝓉 𝑜𝓊𝓉. 𝒲𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝐼 𝒻𝒾𝓇𝓈𝓉 𝓁𝑒𝒶𝓇𝓃𝓉 𝒶𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒹𝒾𝒶𝑔𝓃𝑜𝓈𝒾𝓈 𝐼 𝒸𝒶𝓂𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓂𝓈 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒻𝒶𝒸𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝐼 𝓂𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉 𝒹𝒾𝑒 𝑒𝒶𝓇𝓁𝒾𝑒𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓃 𝐼 𝓌𝑜𝓊𝓁𝒹 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝒽𝑜𝓅𝑒𝒹. 𝐵𝓊𝓉 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒𝒽𝑜𝓌 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒹𝒾𝒹𝓃’𝓉 𝒾𝓃𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓁 𝒶 𝓈𝑒𝓃𝓈𝑒 𝑜𝒻 𝒻𝑒𝒶𝓇 𝒾𝓃 𝓂𝑒. 𝒩𝑜𝓉 𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝐼 𝒽𝒶𝒹 𝓈𝓅𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒷𝑒𝓈𝓉 𝓎𝑒𝒶𝓇𝓈 𝑜𝒻 𝓂𝓎 𝓁𝒾𝒻𝑒 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓎𝑜𝓊.

Quinn felt a tear roll down his cheek before it dropped to land on the letter. The hockey player still loved you, and it brought him some comfort that your time with him left just as big of an impact on your life as it did his.

𝐼𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓈𝒽𝑜𝓌 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝓉𝑜 𝒜𝓁𝑒𝓍 𝑜𝓇 𝒞𝑜𝓁𝑒 𝐼 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝒽𝒶𝓊𝓃𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒻𝓇𝑜𝓂 𝓂𝓎 𝑔𝓇𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝓂𝑒𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝓀 𝐼’𝓂 𝓈𝒸𝒶𝓇𝓎. 𝒜𝓃𝒹 𝒾𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒𝓃’𝓉 𝒶𝓁𝓇𝑒𝒶𝒹𝓎 𝑔𝑜𝓉𝓉𝑒𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒽𝒾𝓃𝓉, 𝐼’𝓂 𝒹𝑒𝒶𝒹. 𝒮𝑜 𝓎𝑒𝒶𝒽, 𝐼 𝒻𝒾𝓃𝒶𝓁𝓁𝓎 𝒷𝑒𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒶𝓉 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝒶𝓃’𝓉 𝓉𝑒𝓁𝓁 𝓂𝑒 𝐼’𝓂 𝓌𝓇𝑜𝓃𝑔.

As unintentional as it was, Quinn couldn't help it when a laugh left his lips mainly when he read that last line. You could have told him anything, literally, this was your letter as you got to say your final goodbye. And here you were telling him you won at something that was never meant to be a competition.

𝐼 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓉𝑜 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝐼 𝒶𝓂 𝒷𝑒𝓎𝑜𝓃𝒹 𝓅𝓇𝑜𝓊𝒹 𝑜𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓁𝒾𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓁𝒾𝒻𝑒, 𝐼 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓌𝒽𝒾𝓁𝓈𝓉 𝐼’𝓂 𝒷𝑜𝓇𝑒𝒹 𝒾𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒸𝓁𝑜𝓊𝒹𝓈 𝐼 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝒸𝑜𝓂𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓌𝒶𝓉𝒸𝒽 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓂𝒶𝓎𝒷𝑒 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓃 𝓅𝓁𝒶𝓎 𝒶𝓈 𝒸𝒶𝓅𝓉𝒶𝒾𝓃 𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝒹𝒶𝓎.

Not even two days ago had Quinn gotten the call, that day when he became captain, was the present. And it seemed to hurt him that two realities he never put together, he never wanted to put those two together. Where you were dead and he was captain.

𝐵𝓊𝓉 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝐼 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓉𝑜 𝓅𝓇𝑜𝓂𝒾𝓈𝑒 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈 𝓉𝑜 𝓂𝑒. 𝐵𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝒶𝓅𝓅𝒶𝓇𝑒𝓃𝓉𝓁𝓎 𝒹𝑒𝒶𝒹 𝓅𝑒𝑜𝓅𝓁𝑒 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝒶𝓁𝓁𝑜𝓌𝑒𝒹 𝓉𝑜 𝓂𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝒸𝓇𝒶𝓏𝓎 𝒹𝑒𝓂𝒶𝓃𝒹𝓈 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓅𝑒𝑜𝓅𝓁𝑒 𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝓂𝑒𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓁𝒾𝓈𝓉𝑒𝓃 𝓉𝑜.

𝐼 𝓌𝑜𝓃𝓉 𝒷𝑒 𝓉𝑜𝑜 𝒻𝒶𝓇 𝒻𝑒𝓉𝒸𝒽𝑒𝒹 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈𝑒, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓂𝒶𝒾𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝐼 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓉𝑜 𝓅𝓇𝑜𝓂𝒾𝓈𝑒 𝓂𝑒 𝒾𝓈 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝒻𝒾𝓃𝒹 𝒶 𝓌𝑜𝓂𝒶𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝑒𝓃𝒹𝓁𝑒𝓈𝓈𝓁𝓎. 𝒟𝑜𝓃’𝓉 𝓉𝓇𝓎 𝓉𝑜 𝒶𝒸𝓉 𝓁𝒾𝓀𝑒 𝐼’𝓂 𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓌𝑜𝓇𝓁𝒹, 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓌𝑜𝓇𝓁𝒹 𝒾𝓈 𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓉𝑜 𝑔𝓇𝒶𝒷. 𝒴𝑜𝓊’𝓋𝑒 𝑔𝑜𝓉𝓉𝒶 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝒻𝓊𝓃 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓉𝓌𝑜 𝑜𝒻 𝓊𝓈 𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝐼’𝓂 𝑔𝑜𝓃𝑒.

Quinn didn't like the idea of moving on before, but now he definitely hated it. How was he meant to be okay moving on when there was an alternate universe where you never got sick and he was still with you "'s not fair." Quinn grumbled to himself shaking his head as he clearly disagreed with what you were trying to tell him.

𝒴𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝒸𝓇𝓎 𝒶𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝒶 𝒻𝑒𝓌 𝒹𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝑜𝓇 𝓌𝑒𝑒𝓀𝓈, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝑔𝑜𝓉𝓉𝒶 𝓂𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝑜𝓃 𝓉𝑜𝑜. 𝒴𝑜𝓊 𝓈𝑒𝓇𝒾𝑜𝓊𝓈𝓁𝓎 𝓌𝑜𝓃𝓉 𝒷𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝓎 𝒻𝓊𝓃 𝓉𝑜 𝒽𝒶𝓊𝓃𝓉 𝒾𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊’𝓇𝑒 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝓈𝒶𝒹.

𝑀𝓎 𝒻𝒾𝓃𝒶𝓁 𝓇𝑒𝓆𝓊𝑒𝓈𝓉 𝒾𝓈 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓈𝒽𝑜𝓌 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓀𝒾𝒹𝓈 𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓅𝓁𝒶𝒸𝑒𝓈, 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝓈𝑜 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝓉𝑒𝓁𝓁 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓂 𝒶𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝓂𝑒. 𝐵𝓊𝓉 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝐼 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝒽𝑜𝓌 𝓂𝓊𝒸𝒽 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓈𝑒 𝓈𝓅𝑜𝓉𝓈, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝐼 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝑜𝓊𝓁𝒹 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝓈𝒽𝑜𝓌 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝒸𝒽𝒾𝓁𝒹𝓇𝑒𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓀𝒾𝓃𝒹 𝑜𝒻 𝓈𝓉𝓊𝒻𝒻 𝒶𝓈 𝓌𝑒 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽𝓉 𝒶𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝒹𝑜𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓀𝒾𝒹𝓈.

You always wanted to be a mother, it was something you dreamed about doing as you grew up. Quinn wanted to be a father as well and that caused you two to very quickly realize in this essence that your futures were more than likely connected to each other.

𝐼𝒻 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒 𝒸𝑜𝓂𝑒𝓈 𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓂𝒾𝓈𝓈 𝓂𝑒, 𝓇𝑒𝓂𝑒𝓂𝒷𝑒𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝑔𝑜 𝓋𝒾𝓈𝒾𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓌𝒶𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝐼 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝒷𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝓉𝑜𝑜.

𝒩𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝓈𝓉𝑜𝓅 𝓂𝒶𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓂𝑒 𝓅𝓇𝑜𝓊𝒹,

𝓎/𝓃 𝓍

Quinn didn’t know how to feel as he reread your letter trying to make sure that he had not missed anything that you had written. Tears rolled down his cheeks as his hands shook so hard he let go of your letter “shit!” Quinn realised what he had done as he reached out to grab the letter that was brought down to the lake by the wind. There was nothing left for him to do besides for just to stare at the letter as it absorbed water letting the paper get wet, much like his cheeks.

The battle between the water and the paper finally seemed to end as the letter paper began to rip.

As sobs left his lips he rocked his body back and fourth coming to terms with something he never thought he would have to worry about.

You were officially gone.

#quinn Hughes imagines #quinn hughes x reader #quinn hughes imagine #quinn hughes oneshot #oneshots #imagines #hockey imagine #hockey imagines #nhl imagine #nhl oneshot

[silent-raven13]

Hey Miles! What's your type?

Miles looks at his friends, "Hmm?"

"What's your type?" Gwen asked, "Like what do you see yourself with?"

Pavtri nodded, "Yeah, what kind of boy or girl you like?" Hobie stood listening them, his whole body turning into a curious colors; like soft green, bright yellow and gray with magazine and newspaper prints all over with symbols of curiosity fonts, and imagery.

"Hmm, I always did like girls like Gwen; smart, funny, serious, and vulnerable like good way. Like shows her sensitive side, I guess..." Miles explains about the girls he dated being similar to his old crush, Gwen. This got Gwen blushing so hard her face turns tomato red.

"Awe, love you too, man!" She plays off her blushing as she pats harshly on her friend's back. The two did like each other at one point, but it was at the wrong time. She needed to heal herself before getting involved in a serious relationship. Miles needs to deal with his own traumas and wanted the Spider people he was close to, to gain back his trust. So, they never went for it and slowly became close friends instead of lovers. It's safer like that.

"Ow!" Miles rubs his arms feeling pain on his back being nervous.

"What about guys! You said your into guys too!" Pavtri got close to his friend's face while holding his hand, even Hobie got close to listen.

"Well... umm... never really thought about it. I guess, the same thing as Gwen- um..." His honey-brown eyes started to drift away from eye contact being flustered. "I kinda like tall guys! Like really tall."

Gwen saw Hobie being pink, then stood next to Miles with his hand measuring Miles' height against his own. Hobie is a freakin' tall dude, being six foot and four inches while Miles only six foot. This made the teenager girl giggle.

"What else?" Pavtri asked.

Miles wasn't paying attention to Hobie and Gwen assuming they were being goofy with each other. "Umm... I always saw myself being with a guy that's edgy, likes music..." Hobie did a happy pose, showing off his outfit being punk and his guitar being, "romantic." The punker pulled out a rose being the romantic type.

"Funny, smart, not afraid to be sensitive, sweet with kids!" Hobie putting on a goofy glasses with mustache, then a book by Albert Einstein and pulls out Mayday from the blue while holding her. Mayday giggles at the punker being surprised he grab her out of home from a portal!

"Kids? You want kids!"

"No, I mean... i dunno a guy that's nice with kids is a green flag for me." Miles rubs his chin unaware of Peter 616 coming out of the portal to take back his daughter from the punker and wag his finger. Mayday merely laughs agains before waving the punker goodbye. The two went back to their world. "Oh, I always saw myself being with a black man, someone Jamaican or Caribbean but I wouldn't mind an Afro Latino or African or just black." He rub his neck.

Hobie happily stood showing off his tattoo of a Jamaican and Haitian pride alongside his West African flag to represent his descendants. Gwen snickers seeing how clueless Miles is being with his type. "What else? No Indian or brown love, Miles." Pavtri pouts.

"Oh, I don't mind that! I'm down for anyone." Miles shyly said, "I do like guys like you, Pav. Like sweet, funny and always putting a positive attitude!"

"Ohh, Miles! You make me wanna date you!" Pavtri hugs him having to nuzzle his cheek, "Hehehe, if I wasn't dating my Gayatri, you'll be my bae!"

That made Hobie jealous, turning grey with newspaper labels with prints, "Do not touch! Warning!"

"Hahaha, awe Pav, you're too nice." Miles giggles, then he said, "Oh, I like guys that are kinda bad boys... like they break the rules."

Hobie turns pink again, that is him. "Oh, and he cares about social views like Black Lives Matter, Women's Rights, LGBTQ plus umm... you know people's rights, heh. I guess, that kind of guy is unrealistic, huh?"

The punker looks surprised and exaggerated his pose into a big WHAT, with hands in the air and squatting. Gwen burst out laughing seeing how this is the perfect description of Hobie Brown.

"Awe, really?" Pavtri's brown eyes glance over at Hobie looking confused and lost. "I mean, I feel like someone already exists."

"I dunno... the guys I meet always be bums, then again I haven't dated much." Miles explains, "Oh, maybe this being a stretched but a guy with a nice accent is hot, y'know."

Hobie threw his hands in the air, Miles' man is right here. Pavtri giggles, "Miles..."

"You describe Hobie?" Gwen hums.

Miles looking flustered at his crush but the sixteen year old look so lost, "I did! Oh..." He glances over at the punker, "It's because you're so amazing! Anyone would be so happy to be with you, man!"

Hobie had hearts with his grey pop into a blooms of pinks being so happy, he picks up his friend with a nuzzle, "Awe, I love you, too, Sunflower!"

"Huh! Where did that come from?" Miles felt his face so warm, he cover his face being embarrassed by all this.

Gwen said to Pavtri seeing Hobie happily carrying around Miles like a couple. "You know... they are taking their sweet ass time to date!"

"You know, Miles... our sweet Miles is too shy and naive!" Pavtri giggles.

#punkflower #miles morales #hobie brown #spiderman #across the spider verse #fanfic #flowerpunk

[myloveismineallmine]

Part 4!

back to claire and carmy. and this one is.... very funny to me actually

Song: Vega Tables - Brian Wilson

On fak walking in on sugar in the bathroom:

I tried to kick the ball but my tenny flew right off I'm red as a beet 'cause I'm so embarassed

fak walks in on nat, an embarrassing situation, fitting lyric here.

fak walks away, camera focuses on carmy serving claire & co, carmy tells claire she looks great:

(Mom and Daddy says)

Sleep a lot eat a lot brush em like crazy Run a lot do a lot never be lazy (boy)

carm walks over to sugar and asks if their mom came, and then asks why she's covered in water:

Sleep a lot eat a lot brush em like crazy Run a lot do a lot never be lazy (boy)

carmy hallucinates his previous boss:

(Wordless Vocals)

the song then fades away as carmen re-enters the kitchen.

so, yeah, that's it.

on the surface, this is a weird song choice. the only super fitting lyric is the one that's on fak about being "red as a beet." but considering how on the nose a lot of the music is, it would be strange for them to choose this song for that one singular line. like, this song isn't even popular enough to justify it being randomly played in the restaurant.

so, we gotta really use our brains and think about the context here.

plot recap time:

richie tells carmy that claire is on 31 and that he needs to say hi. carmy is like "Uhhh... eventually." richie insists he does it right away, carmy tells him no, they argue a bit, and eventually richie backs off.

some time passes....

carmy says he needs hands for table 31. syd is like "yeah, that's claire." (this bitch ALREADY forgot where his gf was) carmy's immediate reaction is "fuck, yeah, that's right. uh...."

he reluctantly says he'll do it, syd is like "is now the best time for that?"

he pulls THIS FUCKING FACE:

which he keeps on the whole walk out, like, this man is clearly terrified.

now let's look at the context of the song:

brian wilson was kind of a health nut, so the song is about how eating vegetables is good for you. while he actually enjoyed vegetables, the song is more satirical, and more about doing things your parents tell you to do (such as eating your vegetables.)

this is especially apparent with the lines on carmy and claire:

(Mom and Daddy says)

Sleep a lot eat a lot brush em like crazy Run a lot do a lot never be lazy (boy)

sleep, brush your teeth, exercise and work hard like your parents tell you to.

this in conjunction with richie telling carmy to go see claire, along with him, mikey and fak continuously telling him to pursue claire, really makes me think this song was chosen to reinforce that carmy feels obligated to be with claire because of expectations of others rather than out of his own volition.

like, think about it. a song about how you should listen to your parents and brush your teeth? while a character is supposed to be serving his girlfriend a nice dinner? for what reason???

i made a whole post about how carmy and claire's dates are literally just things that are technically chores. coincidently, doing chores is another thing, like eating vegetables, your parents will make you do.

the whole theme with claire seems to be doing things you don't really want to do, but others do want to see you do. which is ironic, because it completely contradicts carmy claiming that being with claire is for "fun and amusement."

i feel like carmen is just plagued with... doing everything everyone else wants him to do. he thinks claire is fun and amusing because people are telling him that she is good for him. he is literally panicking so many times he's confronted with her, but people say he needs a girlfriend, so he thinks they must be right.

on a happier note. the writers/editors were probably giggling and kicking their feet when they chose this song. like, oh the dumb song about eating your vegetables? by the beach boys? and we're gonna use it to represent how carmy doesn't feel happy with claire? hehehe the viewers won't get it but it'll be funny for us. i'm onto you guys, i see you...

part 1 / part 2 / part 3

#the bear meta #sydcarmy #the bear music #anti claire bear

[meraki-yao]

RWRB Thoughts: The Deadline Contender Panel

Quick list of very direct, subjective, random and spontaneous thoughts I had while listening/watching the panel:

I absolutely understand that Taylor probably doesn't remember every detail of the movie off the top of his head, especially with nerves, but Sweetheart really didn't describe the played DNC scene correctly😅

That being said Taylor calling Henry Alex's boyfriend made me SO FUCKING HAPPY???? I was squealing and kicking my legs because of all the feels. On top of that, intentional or not, Taylor takes a breath so it goes "wanted to bring his... boyfriend!" and there's this subtle emphasis on the word, I am screaming

I do question why this scene though? I don't know much about this whole process, but just an educated guess, if we're trying to get an emmy nom via this panel, shouldn't we be showing a scene that's more representative of the movie's core? Like, say the New Year's scene, or Kensington Palace, or the Lake scene. If we have to include the comedy aspect, then show the freaking Red Room. I love this scene of course, but if the purpose is to nominate ourselves and show ourselves then I feel like another scene should have been picked

Why can't people freaking pronounce Nick's surname correctly? It's phonic! Ga - Lit- Zine

"Orange Guy was still president" I snorted

I heard there's stupid discourse over this minor, harmless thing, but because people are stupid, here to clarify "especially Taylor since he's here" is CLEARLY A JOKE BETWEEN FRIENDS and if you didn't pick that up then that's kind of sad :P

I'm wondering if there's still recordings of the zoom auditions/chem read. I can also imagine zoom chem read being much harder. Honestly I think zoom auditions only work with monologues.

He did the chem read in his sister's apartment lmao

THEIR CHEM READ WAS KENXINGTON????!!! WHAT THE FUCK???!!! THE MOMENT THAT MADE MATTHEW GO "there's the one" WAS THIS FREAKING SCENE??? This also implies they had to say "I love you" upon the first time meeting each other oh my god I wanna see that so bad

Also I cannot freaking imagine this intense of a scene via zoom, God I really want to see it (don't think we'll ever get it but still)

Someone ask Matthew or Nick what the other scene in the chem read is

The notebook, pride and prejudice and 10 things i hate about you mention made me happy :D

The speech thing... Kinda feel like should be a Matthew question? It's cool to hear that Taylor referenced President Obama but this is still ultimately him being Alex? Plus Taylor's a great public speaker to begin with

Did he dabble in political science? Did he ever mention that? I know he did Spanish and Community but political science?

I think the only really bad gay movie in recent years was Bros and that has a myriad of issues internally and externally, but I think it's just this one?

Why is TikTok the metric? Might write something longer in the future when I have time but the thing is with this

Speaking of Taylor and queer roles, I think I saw somewhere that Noah Torres was bi?

I talked to @pippin-katz about this but dear God, I have heard the question "What is your favourite scene" being asked to the boys at least three times now, and they always answer the cake scene. Why don't they ever expand on the question, especially since Taylor affed the Kensington scene this time, and why don't they ever ask other questions or ask about specifics? Between me and my friends, we came up with at least 40 questions that could be asked to the boys and haven't been asked yet.

Nick how the fuck did cream stay in/ behind your ear for two days and Taylor how did you spot it

I'm honestly getting really tired of the sequel question, it's always phrased the same way, and of course, the answer is gonna be the same. Even if they knew, they contractually can't tell us, the first announcement of a sequel will have to come from a bigger source like Amazon themselves.

I understand being nervous but this interviewer felt too timid and unsure of herself

Overall still very enjoyable, always more than happy to hear Taylor speak about his baby that we all love, but the question are so freaking repetitive. I said it clearer in my discussion with Pippin so here's a screenshot of that part

#rwrb #red white and royal blue #rwrb movie #taylor zakhar perez #nicholas galitzine #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #henry hanover stuart fox #firstprince #my rwrb list #rwrb rambles #deadline contenders

[scoobydoodean]

Thinking about 4.05 "Monster Movie" and how the shifter (Lucy) who dresses up as Dracula fixates on Jamie and Dean, casting Jamie as Mina and Dean as Jonathan Harker—Mina's fiance—the righteous hero who, with Van Helsing, saves Mina from Dracula.

The last time we really focused on the POV of a shifter was 1.06, where our shifter was a Dean parallel. This time I think our shifter represents Sam—or rather, the shifter represents Sam’s feelings about his own monsterhood, and the occasional envy he feels toward Dean—Dean who is cast by the envious shifter as righteous hero who "gets the girl" (but not this time, Harker!) In season 4, Dean will be given the title “The righteous man”. The same angels calling him that will call Sam “The boy with the demon blood” and “abomination”.

Opening on the scene where Dean has been dressed in lederhosen and tied up by the shifter:

DEAN looks at a portrait of a woman’s face on the wall which resembles LUCY. DRACULA She is beautiful, no? Bride number three from the first film. She never got the acclaim that she deserved. Which is why I chose her shape, her form, to move among the mortals unnoticed. To listen to the cricket songs of the living. That is when I discovered my bride had been reborn in this century.

The shifter wanted to fit in—to be perceived as normal—so they chose Lucy’s shape. It isn't difficult to connect that desire for normality with Sam's initial desire for normality. But the shifter discovered Mina (Jamie) and then everything changed.

In “Monster Movie”, the shifter initially despaired of their monsterhood, but monster movies gave the shifter a sense of dignity—a taste of power.

DRACULA "Real" is being born this way. Different. "Real" is having your dad call you "monster" -- it's the first time you hear the word. And he tries to beat you to death with a shovel. Everywhere I ran, everywhere I tried to hide, people found me, dragged me out, attacked me. Called me "freak," called me "monster." Then I found them. The great monsters. In their movies, they were strong. They were feared. They were beautiful. And now I am like them. Commanding. Terrifying.

I'm immediately reminded of a speech Sam gives in the previous episode, explaining why he's decided to embrace demonic power (4.04):

SAM I've got demon blood in me, Dean! This disease pumping through my veins, and I can't ever rip it out or scrub it clean! I'm a whole new level of freak! And I'm just trying to take this - this curse... and make something good out of it. Because I have to.

In Dracula, Mina was saved from Dracula at the end of the story by Harker and Van Helsing. Lucy wasn't able to be saved—she was a victim of Dracula’s, who started out a kind, soft hearted woman, but was killed by Dracula and reborn as a monster who fed on children. She was subsequently destroyed by Van Helsing.

In our parallel, I don't think Mina (played by Jamie) parallels a person so much as Mina represents an ideal or desire. Mina represents "getting to be the hero"—Mina represents the capacity for redemption.

What the shifter (and Sam) don't know is that redemption is something Dean is also seeking:

JAMIE That must suck. I mean, you're giving up your life for this terrible... I don't know, responsibility. DEAN Last few years, I started thinking that way, and, uh, it started sort of weighing on me. Of course, that was before... A little while ago, I had this – let’s call it a near-death experience. Very near. JAMIE sits down next to DEAN. DEAN And, uh, when I came to... things were different. My life's been different. I realize that I help people. Not just help them, though. I save them. I guess it's -- it's awesome. It's kind of like a gift... like a mission. Kind of like a... a mission from God.

Dean is on a mission from God—and we as forward-looking viewers who know Dean tortured souls in hell have a better understanding of why Dean ties himself to that mission—as a form of redemption.

Monsters on the other hand... monsters don't get the girl—monsters don't get redemption—monsters don't save the day. Harker and Van Helsing save the day, and Harker (Dean) gets the girl.

DEAN You do realize what happens at the end of every monster movie? DRACULA Ah, but this movie is mine. And in it, the monster wins. The monster gets the girl. And the hero, he’s... electrocuted. And tonight, Jonathan Harker, you will be my hero.

This is, in some sense, our Sam from 4.04 manifesting a win—manifesting becoming the hero through monstrosity. Dean doesn't get to be the hero this time.

SAM Dean, I need her to help me kill Lilith. I know you can't wrap your head around it, but maybe one day you'll understand. I'm the only one who can do this, Dean. DEAN turns back around. DEAN No, you're not the one who's gonna do this. SAM Right, that's right, I forgot. The angels think it's you. DEAN You don't think I can? SAM No. You can't. You're not strong enough. DEAN And who the hell are you? SAM I'm being practical here. I'm doing what needs to be done.

Sam wants Dean to take a back seat. In a sea of motivations for lying and working with Ruby, one of them—most certainly—is that Sam wants to be the hero and wants Dean to not be the hero... and in some sense, this also fits with shifter who tries to force Dean into a role—who insists Dean play the role of Harker... who, while one of the story's heroes, also plays the part of the damsel in distress at various points in Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Crucially though, Sam isn't just represented by Lucy and the shifter in "Monster Movie". Sam is also associated with Van Helsing—or rather—when Sam arrives to free Dean and Jamie, the shifter shouts,

DRACULA You will never be Van Helsing!

This is Sam's despair in the mouth of the shifter. Sam could never be a traditional hero. He's unclean—he could never be a hero like the badass Van Helsing—the closest thing the Dracula novel has to a hunter (knowledgeable, strong, tenacious, clever). Sam could never go on a quest like that.

SAM Knights of the Round Table. Had all of King Arthur's knights, and they were all on the quest for the Holy Grail. And I remember looking at this picture of Sir Galahad, and, and, and he was kneeling, and— and light streaming over his face, and— I remember... thinking, uh, I could never go on a quest like that. Because I'm not clean. I mean, I w— I was just a little kid. You think... maybe I knew? I mean, deep down, that— I had... demon blood in me, and about the evil of it, and that I'm— wasn't pure?

The thing is, Sam is paralleled with the shifter as Lucy (desperation for normality) and as Dracula (despair, reclaiming monstrosity as his own), but Van Helsing is also a part of Sam too. Van Helsing represents Sam's ability to choose his destiny—Sam's ability to choose to be a hero, despite how he's despaired of ever being clean. He just has to realize it's his choice—that life is not a maze he has no choice but to run through. He is not unclean. His destiny is not defined by Azazel's blood.

JAMIE Ever think that maybe you're lonely because you kill people? DRACULA Or I kill people because I’m lonely.

Sam continues through season 4 with this same frame of mind in a sense—not in the sense that he's killing people (though... at one point, he will) but in the sense that his actions are someone else's fault and are out of his control. And yet, the capacity to be Van Helsing and not the monster who despairs remains.

#pk rewatches spn number? #4.05 #4.21 #8.21 #4.04

[wongyuseokie]

Neural Networks | l.s.m

Summary:  The Escape allowed Dokyeom to gain a new life, one full of feelings. When he meets you when you save him, he experiences all of them - but did you? Strange things start happening once Dokyeom meets you. You embrace him, love him, and protect him. But when the dust from the chaos settles, Dokyeom can't help but doubt you. You have needs different from his. It's almost as if you're not like him at all. ☆ 18+ minors dni |☀︎fluff | ♕ smut |  ☁︎ angst | ♥ completed works Word Count:  9165 words Pairings: AI/Robot!Lee Seokmin x Cyborg!Female Reader Genre/Trope(s)/AUs: Angst, Smut, Fluff, Sci-Fi AU! Content Warnings: Main character death, torture (nothing graphic but mentions), fighting, mentions of injuries, arguing, yelling, talks of betrayal, lots of deception and betrayal. Heavy angst, very mild fluff. Alternate universes. Smut Warnings: Unprotected sex? But they are bots, so idk, oral sex (m & f receiving), and multiple orgasms. Water sex. Kissing. Authors Note 1: Here it is my fic for the Seventeen sci-fi fic collab hosted by the wonderful @idyllic-ghost, check out all the other amazing fics here, this is my first time writing something in this genre, like it's a whole new world. So I hope y'all enjoy. ❤️ Authors Note 2: Thank you so much to the following @savventeen, @strawberryya @the-boy-meets-evil @idyllic-ghost @here4kpopfics @onlymingyus for listening to me go on and on about this and being so patient about this entire story. ❤️ Authors Note 3: Extra special thank you to @idyllic-ghost for being so patient and kind and wonderful, giving me so many hits and tips and ideas with this fic, you've been so lovely and wonderful and I adore you dearly ❤️. Thank you also to @here4kpopfics for beta'ing this fic for me, ilysm my soulmate. ❤️ © wongyuseokie 2023. All rights reserved.

Prologue

“100 years ago, it was thought that the Earth, as we know it, would disintegrate. That the sun would implode and leave everything in darkness. Miraculously, it didn’t. Due to some external force, human scientists still haven’t agreed upon what it exactly was. None of the planets in our former solar system was ever destroyed. The Earth and the other planets were pushed away from each other and ended up in different parts of the universe. Earth just happened to come to a solar system with alien life. At first, we were cautious, and people were prepared to fight. However, the aliens were welcoming to our planet. Those who didn’t die from ‘The Great Journey’ or from trying to fight the aliens were welcomed into the new solar system. Soon enough, we had integrated completely, and we received materials and assistance from our sister planets in exchange for human labour. What humans knew of technology was very limited, but with the resources of the aliens, we created artificial life forms. We named these robots Automaton, and they served as workers when humans couldn’t. Eventually, there was no need for human labour at all. To pay back for the help the aliens gave us, we used Automatons. With the extensive development of these robots, we eventually managed to create artificial sentient life. These Automatons were human-like in looks and had human consciousness, but they could not bleed and were stronger than we ever could be. At present, there are even different levels of Automatons. Level 3 robots are the workers, level 2 robots are the caretakers, and level 1 robots are the celebrities. The Automaton music group 53V3NT33N (SEVENTEEN) comprises 13 members, all very talented, and all representing two human states of mind.”

Dokyeom ran as fast as his legs would allow him. He had long legs, which often aided him when trying to run, but tonight? The escape tested his stamina and strength, and he was failing. He was close to escaping; he just had a couple more steps, but a tug on his leg stopped him. 

Dokeyom sighed. He didn’t want to help. He knew he would have to move to make it out. Now, this individual was going to hinder him. 

“Please,” the voice spoke again, and Dokyeom let out a pained sigh as he kneeled to help the injured being. 

“What happened?” Dokyeom asked, and a pained expression greeted him; you welcomed him. 

“I fell, and it’s bad, and I can’t get up. If I can’t escape, they’ll kill me!” You cried out, and Dokyeom let out a breath. You weren’t his problem, but if Dokyeom left you, you’d die alone here. 

Dokyeom, deep down, wanted to help. Something told him that he was kind before everything. Dokyeom often had dreams that told him he was kind, loving, warm, and always had a big smile instead of the permanent scowl he wears nowadays. He wasn’t too sure if the dream meant anything, but sometimes he wondered if that dream was ever once his reality. His memories were always fuzzy, but this dream was always a constant. He recalls being told he was sunshine, and something about your pain triggered that faint memory for him. 

“Okay, I’ll pick you up and run for it. No funny business, or I’ll let you go and let you be killed, understood?” Dokyeom warned. 

“Understood.” 

Dokyeom took a deep breath before leaning forward, picking you up, and throwing you onto his shoulder. “Hold tight; don’t let go until we escape,” Dokyeom instructed. You mumbled a ‘yes,’ and that’s all it took for Dokyeom to start running. 

Dokyeom wasn’t sure how long he was running for; all he knew was that he ran as fast as his legs allowed him, and now that he had you to take care of as well, he had to run faster than ever. 

“Ow!” You yelped when Dokyeom dropped you on the ground suddenly. 

“I just saved your life. I think you can handle being dropped on your ass,” Dokyeom sassed. 

“Wait, we escaped?” You asked, sitting up and looking around. “Where are we?”

“I’m not entirely sure, but we’re safe for now,” Dokyeom answered as he sat beside you. 

“What’s your name?” You asked. 

“Dokyeom, what about you?” He asked. 

“Uh, um, Y/N,” you mumbled. 

“Why’d you hesitate?” Dokyeom questioned, eyeing you suspiciously. 

“I’m tired from the escape,” you lied, and Dokyeom scoffed. 

“I carried you the entire way, and you’re tired?” Dokyeom hissed. 

“Thank you for carrying me,” you answered sheepishly. 

“Why don’t you rest for a bit? I’ll look around for some food?” You offered. 

“You need to eat?” Dokyeom asked, and you paused. 

“Just a bit of fuel, do you not?” You asked, hoping your question would distract him. 

“I don’t. I do have dreams sometimes where I eat. Maybe it’s from a past life or just a dumb dream,” Dokyeom rambled. He wasn’t sure why he suddenly needed to confide in you. He just did. Something about your presence made him want to tell you all his secrets. Something about you felt safe. 

“Well, I’ll wander for a second if that’s okay?” You said, and Dokyeom nodded. 

“Yeah, I’ll lay down here for a bit,” Dokyeom replied, feigning a yawn to pretend he was tired. 

“Alright. I’ll be back.” 

“Hey, Y/N?” Dokyeom called out. 

“Yeah?” 

“I meant what I said, by the way. No funny business, or I will kill you.” 

“Ow, what the fuck is wrong with you!” Dokyeom barked when he felt a burning sensation on his throat.  

“Well, you have a wound here, and I’m just helping you,” you mumbled as you pressed another piece of gauze to his shoulder. 

“What happened?” Dokyeom asked, wincing slightly. 

“I think something got ripped? I don’t know,” you mumbled, and Dokyeom sat up hastily. 

“My tag?” Dokyeom panicked. 

“Your what?” You asked. 

“My tag, the thing that they use to monitor me,” Dokyeom explained hurriedly, patting himself. 

“What the fuck did you do to me?” Dokyeom hissed, grabbing you harshly.

“What are you on about?” You questioned.

“When I saved your ass, did you, for funsies, rip the tag out of my shoulder?” Dokyeom accused. 

“No, what the hell? Why would I do that to you?” You fired back. 

“Don’t know, fuck, do you know what could happen?” Dokyeom spat. 

“I don’t know. The ones who have been trying to control you get pissed, but without your tracker, they can’t do much, so maybe you can finally live a normal life?” You fumed, your words making Dokyeom pause. 

“Normal life?” Dokyeom repeated slowly. 

“Yes, Dokyeom, normal,” you stuttered. 

“Look, I’m grateful you saved me, but you’ve been hostile otherwise,” you ranted, hoping it’d help to distract Dokyeom. 

“You’re right. I have been hostile, but can you blame me? I don’t think anyone who is my kind is anything but hostile. We’ve been through hell,” Dokyeom countered. 

“Fair enough, we’ve both been screwed over. Instead of taking it out on each other, what if we work on helping each other instead? We can, I don’t know, be each other’s friends. Or even acquaintances?” You offered. 

“Fine, but one wrong move, and I’ll kill you, so tread lightly.” 

“Where were you?” Dokyeom questioned the second you entered the little hiding spot you both found after escaping. It had been evening time, and Dokyeom was distracted and drifted off, so you took a moment to leave the cave and contact your bosses at SALAX. You were able to do so thanks to the fancy watch strapped to your wrist. You had let them know that you had managed to lure Dokyeom into ‘rescuing’ you, and now, over the course of the next two weeks, you would try to lure him back to SALAX. You had also let your superiors know that you had managed to yank out Dokyeom’s tracker, and it was safe and on you.

There were some concerns coming from SALAX that hiding Dokyeom’s tracker on yourself was risky because if he saw the chip, he’d kill you in a heartbeat. But you assured them that he wouldn’t, and with that, the call ended, and you retreated back to the cave to find Dokyeom standing up and glaring at you.

“Where were you?” Dokyeom questioned.

“Uh, just stepped out to get some air and find something to eat,” you lied smoothly. 

“Right…” Dokyeom trailed off. “I meant to ask you about this yesterday. What the hell are you? Why do you need to eat? I don’t, so what the hell are you?” Dokyeom snarled. 

“I thought we were trying to be friends? Why the aggression?” You deflected. 

“You know I can kill you in seconds and leave you here, so instead of avoiding the question, tell me,” Dokyeom threatened as he stepped closer. 

You would be lying if you said that Dokyeom didn’t intimidate you. He was a tall individual with a very strong build. He could easily crush you. 

“I guess one would say I’m a malevolent being,” you explained as you sat down, and Dokyeom followed suit, sitting across from you. 

“Malevolent doesn’t mean kind. It means evil,” Dokyeom mumbled. 

“Oh wow, you’re so smart!” You quipped sarcastically, making him glare at you. 

“I’m a cyborg, so I need to eat, sleep, and do some-what human functions,” you admitted. 

“Like fart?” Dokyeom joked, making you crack a smile. 

“Shut up.” 

“So why were you running? Same as me? Escaping?” Dokyeom asked, and you shrugged. 

“How’s this? We ask each other one question a day. You already asked me something today, so it’s my turn?” You suggested. 

“What do you want to know?” Dokyeom asks. 

“What do you dream about?” You asked, leaving Dokyeom stunned. 

“Dream?” Dokyeom repeated. 

“Yes, dream.” 

“I guess a place where I don’t need to be so on guard all the time or so aware of everything at once. A place where hypervigilance isn’t a constant state of mind,” Dokyeom articulated. 

“I guess you’re right to call it a dream,” you mumbled. 

“Because it’s an ideal state and not our reality?” Dokyeom offered. 

“Fine, we can be friends, a question a day, and I won’t step out of line, and I hope you don’t either,” Dokyeom added. 

“I won’t.” 

Day 1: Cold as Ice

The next day, you awoke naturally and found Dokyeom standing at the entrance of the cave, and you decided to get up and join him.

“What are you thinking about?” You asked with a friendly smile as you approached Dokyeom.

Dokyeom turned to look at you, his eyes narrow and guarded. “How long do we need to keep hiding out here,” he replied curtly, his tone cold.

Undeterred, you placed a hand on his shoulder. “We can find a way out. I know it!” You offered enthusiastically.

Dokyeom simply rolled his eyes, and shrugged your hand off his shoulder, and walked off and back into the cave, where he sat and ignored you for the rest of the day.

Day 2: Thawing

The next day, you tried to engage Dokyeom in conversation, sharing stories, as well as your optimism that you two would be able to find your way out of your wreckage. But Dokyeom barely engaged in the conversation, mainly responding with a few grunts and hums.

But you weren’t easily discouraged. You saw something beneath the surface of Dokyeom’s stoic exterior, a flicker of curiosity and maybe even a hint of loneliness. You believed everyone had a story, and you were determined to uncover his.

As the days passed, you learned more about some of Dokyeom’s habits, habits that you noticed when he thought you weren’t looking. You noticed how his eyes crinkled when he smiled. You also noticed he had a beautiful smile, one that made you feel incredibly warm.

Day 3: Cracks in the façade

“Penny for your thoughts?” You asked one evening, and Dokyeom gave you a small smile.

“We’ll make it out of this mess, right?” Dokyeom asked, and you nodded.

“Yeah, we will.”

Day 4: Melting

As the days continued, you continued to engage Dokyeom in conversation. You spoke with an infectious enthusiasm that was hard to resist, and while Dokyeom remained guarded initially, your presence of unwavering warmth began to chip away at the walls he had built around himself. Slowly, he started to open up, revealing glimpses of his past and the reasons for his uninviting nature.

Day 5: Flux

“I’ve been burned before,” Dokyeom admitted one night, his eyes distant as if reliving painful memories. “Those I’ve trusted, they let me down.” 

You reached out and placed a hand over his, letting him know it was okay to continue, and he paused, taking a deep breath.

Dokyeom unravelled to you, a tale of loss and betrayal unfolds; he had once been surrounded by love and trust, only to see it all crumble into dust.

As Dokyeom’s world around him began to change, so did those around him. Those he trusted, in turn, betrayed, hurt and lied to him. Slowly, one by one, the ones he loved and depended on were taken from him. Eventually, Dokyeom found himself alone, a solitary figure in a world that had become cold and unforgiving.

Soon enough, Dokyeom learned a harsh lesson—that trust could be a double-edged sword, capable of bringing individuals together and tearing them apart, and as a result, Dokyeom retreated into himself, becoming stoic and unapproachable, a protective shell forged by the scars of his past.

Dokyeom has learnt to trust no one, not even himself. The walls he has built around his heart are formidable, a defence mechanism against the pain of betrayal and loss.

But amid the chaos and uncertainty surrounding him. He finds a glimmer of hope, you. From there, a connection begins to form, a bond that defies the mistrust that defines Dokyeom’s existence. It’s a fragile thread that you must tread carefully to nurture, knowing that the wounds of his past are still raw and that his ability to trust has been shattered.

You listened attentively, offering empathy and understanding, and shared your struggles and fears, creating a safe space where Dokyeom could reveal his vulnerabilities without judgment.

All the while, guilt gnawed at you, knowing that you, too, were about to betray Dokyeom the way so many others had done. You, too, were about to hurt him. But you needed him to trust you in order to betray him. But you couldn’t help that with each day, feel more guilty, and start second guessing your mission because you weren’t sure if you could hurt someone you wanted to protect.

One day, you find Dokyeom pacing around the cave anxiously, his stoic façade cracking for the first time. He looks at you, a glimmer of vulnerability in his eyes, and admits.“I don’t know what we’re going to do.”

At that moment, you realise that Dokyeom is not as unapproachable as he first seemed. You reach out, reassuringly touching his shoulder, and say. “We’ll figure it out together. We’ve come this far and won’t give up now.”

For the first time, Dokyeom smiles, a small but genuine one. It’s a turning point in your friendship, a moment of trust and connection that grows stronger daily.

As you continue to navigate the challenges of your hidden existence, you and Dokyeom find solace in each other’s company. The once stoic and unapproachable man has become a friend, someone you can rely on and confide in. You face the unknown together, knowing that as long as you have each other, you can conquer whatever challenges lie ahead.

That night, you started shifting in your sleep, mumbling nonsense, when, suddenly, you found yourself in a cavernous nightmare, the cave walls closing around you like vengeful spectres. The air is thick with unease, and your heart races as you try to escape the suffocating darkness. But the cave seems to have no end, and you’re trapped in a terrifying labyrinth of your fears.

Suddenly, a beam of light pierces the darkness, and you hear the sound of footsteps echoing in the cave. A figure emerges from the shadows, and it’s Dokyeom. His presence alone is a lifeline in this nightmarish abyss.

“Dokyeom!” You cry out, relief flooding over you as he draws near. His familiar face is a beacon of hope in this terrifying dream.

He reaches out, his touch reassuring as he says,.“I’ve got you. You’re safe now.”

His voice, filled with warmth and strength, calms your racing heart. With his guidance, you navigate the treacherous terrain of the cave, finally escaping the nightmare’s clutches.

As you emerge into the open, the nightmare fades away like a distant memory. You turn to Dokyeom with gratitude and something more in your eyes. He gazes back at you, his usual reserve momentarily giving way to vulnerability.

“You saved me, Dokyeom,” you say softly, your heart pounding.

Dokyeom hesitates, his eyes locked onto yours, and then, in a moment of unspoken connection, you lean in, and your lips meet in a tender kiss. It’s a kiss that carries the weight of the unspoken, the shared relief of escaping the nightmare together, and the growing feelings brewing between you.

For a heartbeat, Dokyeom hesitates, uncertainty flickering in his eyes. But then, as if surrendering to the undeniable pull between you, he reciprocates your kiss, his lips meeting yours with a newfound intensity. Once a place of nightmares, the cave has become the backdrop to a moment of unexpected passion and connection.

As you both break the kiss, the world around you seems to shift, and you realise this dream has taken an unexpected turn. But in the wake of your shared moment, you know that something has changed between you and Dokyeom, and you can’t help but smile, grateful for the bond that has deepened in the darkness of this surreal nightmare.

The next day, you and Dokyeom wandered out of the little cave and found yourselves standing amidst a scene of utter devastation, a future marred by damage and chaos that stretches as far as the eye can see. The landscape was a haunting testament to the havoc that had been unleashed upon this once-thriving world. Buildings, once towering symbols of human achievement, now lie in ruins, their skeletal frames jutting out of the shattered concrete like the bones of a long-forgotten civilization. The acrid stench of smoke and burning debris fills the air, choking your senses as you survey the destruction.

The sky above is a sickly hue, darkened by the ominous clouds of billowing smoke that obscures the sun, casting an eerie, blood-red glow over the desolation below. The air crackles with an unsettling energy, a lingering sense of impending doom.

Amidst the wreckage, remnants of what was once a bustling metropolis now lie scattered like discarded toys. Abandoned vehicles, their tires deflated and windows shattered, stand as silent witnesses to the chaos that unfolded here.

As you move further into this grim future scene, you can't help but feel a profound sense of loss and despair. The world as you knew it has been forever altered, transformed into a nightmarish landscape of destruction and ruin.

In the distance, faint echoes of distant sirens and the low rumble of collapsing structures serve as a grim reminder that the chaos is far from over. The damage inflicted upon this world runs deep, and the path to recovery seems uncertain and fraught with challenges.

Yet, amidst the devastation, there is a glimmer of hope, a resilience that refuses to be extinguished. It's a reminder that even in the face of chaos and destruction, humanity's spirit endures, and the struggle for survival continues.

“You can relax a bit. I don’t really think anyone is here,” you whispered to Dokyeom as you cautiously walked around, noticing how almost everything was burned, destroyed and damaged. 

“Look at the damage,” Dokyeom mumbled back. 

“I know, it’s so awful. I hope those who wanted to escape managed to do so,” you admitted. 

“Why didn’t you?” Dokyeom asked. 

“What?” 

“Didn’t escape? Why didn’t you?” Dokyeom asked, eyeing you suspiciously. 

“I was hurt,” you muttered. 

“I didn’t know cyborgs could feel pain?” Dokyeom challenged, and you averted your gaze away from him. 

“Did you do it to trap me?” Dokyeom challenged. 

“No? What would I gain from doing that to you?” You retorted, and Dokyeom shrugged. 

“Fuck knows, you told me you’ve done things you’re not proud of. Maybe I’m just another thing you’ll do that you’re not proud of.” 

“Trust me, Dokyeom, if I wanted to do you, I would have a long time ago,” you huffed out as you stormed off, making Dokyeom sigh as he followed you. 

“We need to steal a spacecraft,” you whispered to Dokyeom.

“Are you insane? How?” Dokyeom whispered back, and you shrugged. 

“Look,” you said, motioning to where you were looking. 

Amidst a desolate and haunting scene of wreckage, a solitary spacecraft stood as a lone survivor of a cataclysmic event. It appeared as a beacon of hope amidst the debris-strewn wasteland.

The spacecraft’s once-pristine exterior, now scarred and battered, stands defiantly among the twisted metal and shattered remnants of other vessels. Its hull, once gleaming, bears the scars of cosmic collisions and the ravages of time. A faint, eerie light from malfunctioning control panels cast shadows across its battered form.

Around the spacecraft, a field of wreckage stretches into the horizon, a haunting testament to the harshness of space. Broken pieces of machinery and torn metal fragments drift through the void like lost souls. The eerie silence of the scene is punctuated only by the occasional creaking of damaged hulls.

Inside the spacecraft, signs of struggle and survival are evident. Emergency lights flicker, and a faint hum of life support systems resonates through the corridors. It stands as a testament to the resilience of those who once staffed it, their spirit unbroken despite the chaos surrounding them.

In this place of wreckage, the spacecraft is a symbol of endurance and perseverance, a lone sentinel refusing to succumb to the unforgiving cosmos. Its presence amid the ruins speaks of the human spirit’s unyielding determination to press on, even in the face of overwhelming adversity.

“You can’t be serious,” Dokyeom mumbled. 

“You want freedom? Escape? This is our only solution. You can be free again.” 

You and your partner in crime stand in the dimly lit hangar, eyes fixed on the sleek spacecraft that gleams like a jewel in the shadows. The ship, an advanced model with a reputation for speed and agility, holds the key to your daring escape plan. 

You both approach the spacecraft with a shared nod and a sense of exhilaration. Your partner, a master of hacking, quickly accesses the control panel, fingers dancing across the holographic interface. The ship’s security systems fall like dominos, leaving you unfettered access.

The boarding ramp lowers smoothly, revealing the spacecraft’s luxurious interior. You and your partner slip inside, feeling the cool, synthetic leather seats beneath you. As the canopy seals shut with a soft hiss, you exchange a glance filled with determination.

Dokyeom took the pilot’s seat, fingers caressing the controls with a practised ease. The spacecraft’s engines hum to life, vibrating beneath you as they prepare to defy gravity. You both brace yourselves with a final glance out of the transparent canopy.

The spacecraft lifts off, rising gracefully from the hangar floor. You feel the G-forces press you into your seat as you hurtle towards the heavens. The hangar doors open, revealing the starry expanse of space beyond.

You know you’ve left it all behind at that moment—your past, troubles, and the pursuit of those seeking to capture you. You and Dokyeom have stolen not just a spacecraft but a chance at freedom, and together, you soar into the unknown, leaving a trail of stardust in your wake.

“Where are we going?” Dokyeom asked as the spacecraft hovered and slowly moved along.

“AECOR” you replied.

“Why?” Dokyeom asked.

“To relax, to breathe, and to regroup,” you answered with a smile, and that was enough Dokyeom needed to know.

~~ “Wow,” Dokyeom breathed out as he disembarked from the spacecraft and set foot into AECOR.

“This is incredible.” 

You find yourself standing at the edge of a breathtaking rainforest, enveloped by the magical allure of the night. The moonlight filters through the dense canopy above, casting a gentle, silver glow upon the lush foliage below. Tall trees adorned with vibrant, bioluminescent flowers seem to dance in the faint shimmer of light, their leaves rustling in a gentle, nocturnal breeze.

As you venture deeper into the rainforest, the symphony of nighttime creatures serenades your senses. Frogs and crickets play a melodic chorus while fireflies flicker like tiny stars, illuminating your path. The air is thick with the heady scent of damp earth, moss, and exotic blooms, creating an intoxicating fragrance that lingers around you.

But the true marvel of this rainforest night unfolds before you as you stumble upon a hidden gem—the waterfall. It glistens under the moon’s enchanting gaze, cascading waters a ribbon of liquid crystal tumbling from the heights above into a pristine, moonlit pool below.

The waterfall’s roar is a soothing lullaby, a constant reminder of nature’s grandeur and eternal rhythm. The moonlight dances upon the water’s surface, creating a sparkling, silvery tapestry that seems to stretch forever. Each droplet from above catches the moon’s radiance, forming a trail of liquid stardust.

You approach the pool’s edge, feeling the cool mist kiss your skin as the waterfall’s spray gently caresses your face. The night sounds intensify around you, the rainforest coming alive with its secrets and wonders. It’s a world of enchantment, where the rainforest’s beauty is magnified by the veil of night, and the waterfall stands as a shimmering testament to the timeless allure of nature.

“Isn’t it? I thought we could take a break here, considering all we’ve been doing is running and hiding. We’re safe here,” you mumble. 

“Are we?” Dokyeom asks. 

“Would I lead you astray?” You ask, inching closer to him. 

“I don’t think you would. You wouldn’t just kiss me to manipulate me later, right?” Dokyeom asks as he wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you into him. You smile at him. This was the first time the kiss from the night before was brought up.

“I’m sorry if I overstepped,” you mumble. 

“I didn’t say I minded. I did kiss back,” Dokyeom adds, making you melt into his touch, guilt plaguing you, knowing that you would soon cause this incredible individual’s demise. 

“Shall we?” You ask, motioning to the bodies of water, looking around for one slightly more private, where you both wouldn’t be recognised and could spend time with him, alone, uninterrupted, before you betray him.

Dokyeom takes your hand, guides you to a more secluded plunge pool, and stops at the edge of the water. With a soft smile, he removes your clothing piece by piece, every movement charged with an undeniable urgency. As he finishes, his eyes scan your body with fierce hunger, and his hands wander over your curves with possessiveness.

You shiver as you feel his hands slide around your waist from the back, the warmth of his touch sending shivers up and down your spine. You can feel the barely restrained desire emanating from his body.

Dokyeom pulls you closer, and you can feel his hardness against your back as he presses against you. His lips trail down to your shoulder, his breath heating your skin as his gaze travels up your neck.

Dokyeom turns you to face him, cupping your face in his hands as he trails down to your lips. His tongue probes at the corner of your mouth before sliding in, the wetness and warmth as you open your mouth to him sending you into a passionate frenzy.

Dokyeom takes your hand and leads you to the pool. As the warm water envelops you, Dokyeom slides in behind you, his chest against your back as his arms wrap around you. His hands move over your body with increasing passion as his lips go up and down your neck.

Your back arches, trying to move even closer to him. You moan in pleasure as his hardness presses against your skin, the sensation of him filled with anticipation. You can’t help but feel like you want him to take you in the water.

You and Dokyeom are both submerged in the shallow waters of the pool, your hands trailing along the smooth surface of the tiled edges. You look up at Dokyeom, a smirk on your lips as you start to move, your body drawn closer to his as your hands move expertly to his hips and you bring yourself just under the water. You feel the anticipation running through both of you as you wrap your arms around his waist and pull yourself tight against him.

You can feel Dokyeom’s breaths coming faster as he looks down at you, anticipation radiating from his eyes as you start to explore. You run your hands through his hair, feeling your tension quickly mixed with pleasure as you tilt your head back. The sensation of his skin against yours is heightened in the water, and you quicken your pace, carefully trailing your lips and tongue along his chest and stomach. His skin feels like butter beneath your mouth, begging for more attention.

You let out a soft moan as you bring your mouth up to his, your tongue tracing along his lower lip as you press against Dokyeom. He responds with a groan, his mouth eagerly meeting yours as you wrap your arms around his neck and deepen the kiss. You feel your way down from his mouth, your tongue gliding along his neck and shoulders as your hands trace his contours.

You pull away from him, an inviting smile on your lips before you go down his torso. With each movement, your mouth is greeted with eager sighs and gasps of pleasure from Dokyeom. As you reach the bottom of his stomach, you look up, the look in his eyes telling you it’s time for something different. You gaze at him momentarily, his eyes pleading, before you dip your tongue into the shallow pools of water between his legs.

Dokyeom lets out an animalistic groan as you move your mouth along his member, lapping up the waves of pleasure each stroke gives him. His body arches into you as your tongue swirls around in circles, his hands grasping your hair as you work your way up and down. You can’t help but smile against him as you hear tiny, breathy moans with each flick of your tongue, revealing that you’ve brought him to this point.

You can feel your arousal growing, and you know you’ve done the same to Dokyeom as you reach the climax together, him calling out your name as the waves of pleasure ensnare you both and pull you gently into a blissfully calm state.

You feel the heat rising as you climb out of the plunge pool and lay on the edge, reclining on your elbows, and you feel your breath hitch in anticipation and your breaths coming in shallow gasps.

Then you feel Dokyeom’s hand touching you, tracing a path from your abdomen to your chest and neck. His fingertips leave a trail of blissful heat on your skin, and you let out a contented sigh.

Dokyeom slides lower, his hand running across your inner thigh. His fingers work their way up your legs, sending sparks of pleasure shooting right to your core.

When Dokyeom finally reaches your most intimate area, you can’t help but gasp as you feel his tongue exploring you. His soft, lapping motions send waves of pleasure rippling through your body, and you find yourself pushing against his face, wanting more and more from him.

Dokyeom responds to the pressure of your body, deepening the stress and increasing the intensity of his movements. His tongue circles around your clit, sending more delightful feelings coursing through you until you feel like you’re about to combust.

And then it’s like nothing you’ve ever felt before. Your body suddenly gives way as an explosion of pleasure ripples through you, and you think your entire body is trembling with delight. You’ve just experienced the most intense and pleasurable orgasm, thanks to Dokyeom.

He stares deeply into your eyes, the look telling you he craves you just as much as you desire him.

You don’t have to wait any longer. He plunges deep inside you, his hips moving skillfully as his groans mix with yours. Your body tightens around him as he rocks into you so intensely that it sends waves of pleasure shooting through your body.

The intensity builds up until a wave of pleasure engulfs both of you. You collapse into each other, exhausted but electrified.

The afterglow slowly takes over as you lay in each other’s arms, enjoying the comfort of being surrounded by each other’s warmth.

You and Dokyeom found refuge in a small corner of AECOR, where you both held each other. It was a beautiful and peaceful moment, and you wished that you could stay in this moment forever.

“Y/N, I want you to know something. I feel safe with you for the first time in my life,” Dokyeom admitted, making you smile and guilt engulf you.

His words hung in the air, carrying the weight of his vulnerability. You look into his eyes, the depth of his emotions mirrored in his gaze. The rainforest seems to hold its breath as if nature is listening to this profound declaration.

You reach out, your hand finding his, fingers entwined.  

“Dokyeom,” you reply with a voice filled with warmth and understanding.

 “I’m grateful to have you in my life. We’re safe together.”

The next day, Dokyeom felt a slight throbbing pain in his head, and when he woke up, you were nowhere to be found. He wasn’t even sure how he woke up or, more importantly, how he was unconscious. Had you hurt him? Where were you? Had he been brave, he would have gone out to search, but he knew not to because he too was a target.

You find yourself in the heart of SALAX, a planet shrouded in shadows and ruled by fear. As you navigate the dimly lit paths, a chilling encounter awaits you. A mysterious figure approaches, cloaked in darkness, and with a low, ominous voice, they ask.

“Have you managed to ensnare Dokyeom yet?”

You hesitate, your mind racing as you weigh your options. You’ve infiltrated this grim city for a specific purpose, a mission that demands subtlety and caution. But the pressure to fulfil your promise hangs heavily over you, and the consequences of failure are dire.

You felt immense guilt the night before, right after Dokyeom confessed to you that he felt safe with you, when he wasn’t looking, decided to hit him hard enough to cause a slight snag in his system, which would make him shut down for a few hours. Which gave you enough time to go SALAX and see if you could get out of your deal. You couldn’t hurt Dokyeom anymore. You couldn’t hurt someone you were falling in love with.

Before you can respond, the enigmatic figure steps closer, their face concealed by shadows. “Time is running out, Y/N,” they hiss, their tone dripping with menace.

“We cannot afford delays. Alastor is growing impatient.”

The name sends a shiver down your spine—Alastor, the ruler of SALAX, a malevolent force you’ve heard whispered about in hushed tones. He is a figure of terror, and the urgency in the stranger’s voice underscores the gravity of your mission.

As you stand there, torn between your mission’s demands and the mounting pressure from Alastor’s emissary, you know that your choices in this treacherous city will have far-reaching consequences. The web of intrigue and danger in SALAX tightens around you, and you must decide whether to continue down this perilous path, knowing that failure could mean a fate worse than death.

As you leave the oppressive city of SALAX behind, the weight of guilt and conflict presses heavily upon your heart. The memories of your time in SALAX, the choices you made, and the person you had to become weigh on your conscience, and there’s no escaping the tangled web of emotions.

In the solitude of your departure, you find yourself grappling with the harsh reality of having betrayed Dokyeom, the man you had come to care for deeply. Your love for him is undeniable, a powerful force that has drawn you together in a world fraught with danger and uncertainty.

With each step away from SALAX, you replay the moments when you had to deceive him, the lies you had to tell, and the promises you couldn’t keep. The pain of knowing that you’ve broken his trust is like a dagger in your chest, and it gnaws at your soul.

But you also remember the pressure from Alastor, the ruler of SALAX, and the dire consequences that would have occurred had you not complied with his demands. It was a choice between betraying Dokyeom and facing the wrath of Alastor, and in the end, you had to prioritise your survival.

As you journey further away from SALAX, you yearn for a solution, a way to make amends for the betrayal and deception that have torn your heart in two. You know that you can’t change the past, but you’re determined to find a way to set things right.

The conflict within you rages on, tearing at your conscience and leaving you in turmoil. You find solace in the quiet moments of reflection, searching for a path forward that will allow you to reconcile your love for Dokyeom with the choices you were forced to make.

In the distance, a glimmer of hope emerges—a plan, a way to mend the trust you’ve shattered. It won’t be easy, and the road ahead is uncertain, but you’re resolved to find a solution that will bring redemption and forgiveness for yourself and the love you hold for Dokyeom.

As the spacecraft landed back in AECOR, you noticed Dokyeom standing outside the place where you last left him, and even though the space craft, you could sense the tension.

As you got off the spacecraft, you noticed that Dokyeom’s once-warm demeanour had cooled, replaced by a distant and suspicious gaze. The weight of your mission and the secrets you carry are like a boulder on your shoulders as you stand before him.

Dokyeom’s words, when they finally come, are laced with an undercurrent of passive aggression.

“Where were you?”

You can feel his scrutiny, his unspoken doubts hanging heavy in the air. The unease in your chest tightens, and you know the time has come to confront the truth.

“SALAX”

“What?”

Taking a deep breath, you decide to be honest. “Dokyeom, there are things I need to tell you,” you begin, your voice quivering with the weight of your confession.

He raises an eyebrow, his suspicion growing. “Go on.”

You recount the events of your mission in SALAX, the pressure from Alastor’s emissary, and the choices you were forced to make. You can see the anger and disappointment flicker in Dokyeom’s eyes as you speak.

When you finally finish, there’s a heavy silence between you. Dokyeom’s expression is inscrutable, and you can’t tell if he’s processing your confession or formulating his response.

After an eternity, he finally speaks, his voice cold and measured. “Y/N, I need you to understand the gravity of your actions. Trust is not something to be taken lightly. Your secrecy puts us all at risk.”

Your heart sinks as you realise the consequences of your choices. You had expected Dokyeom’s anger, but what comes next surprises you.

He leans in closer, his gaze unwavering. “Here’s your ultimatum Y/N. If you want to continue being with me, you must prove you can be trusted. No more secrets, no more hidden agendas. From now on, complete transparency. Can you do that?”

The ultimatum hangs in the air like a heavy storm cloud, and you understand the weight of his words. The trust eroded by your actions is at stake, and it’s up to you to rebuild it, one honest step at a time.

“Dokyeom, I need to confess to you,” your voice trembles slightly, but you push on, knowing that honesty is the only path forward.

His brow furrows in concern as he listens attentively, encouraging you to continue. “I... I was supposed to betray you,” you admit, the words heavy on your conscience. “There was a plan, a scheme I was involved in, but I can’t do it anymore.”

Dokyeom’s eyes widen in surprise, and he reaches out to gently hold your hand, a silent gesture of support. “What do you mean?” he asks, his voice soft and understanding.

Tears gather in your eyes as you elaborate. “I was meant to deceive you, hurt you, but I’ve realised that what we share is more important to me than anything else. I can’t go through with it, Dokyeom. I can’t betray you after everything we’ve been through.”

Silence hangs in the air, the weight of your confession palpable. You search his eyes for a sign, praying he’ll understand your turmoil and forgive your past intentions. With your heart in your throat, you wait for his response, hoping your honesty will be the bridge to mend any potential rift between you.

As you sit across from Dokyeom, the weight of your past and the secrets you’ve harboured for so long pressing heavily upon your shoulders, you take a deep breath, trying to find the courage to reveal your darkest truths.

As the realisation dawns upon Dokyeom, a heavy silence settles over the room. He stands there, his thoughts racing, trying to face the betrayal that has unfolded before him. The one person he had trusted implicitly, you, had been attempting to deceive him all along.

Dokyeom’s heart feels like it’s been gripped by an icy vice, and he struggles to find words to express the tumultuous emotions surging within him. He had opened himself up and allowed you into the innermost chambers of his life, and now he feels like a fool.

You stood before him, your eyes filled with regret and uncertainty.

Finally, Dokyeom’s voice breaks through the silence, but it’s laced with a mixture of hurt and anger. “Y/N, how could you?” His words are filled with a sense of betrayal that cuts deep.

You took a step forward, her voice trembling as you tried to explain. “Dokyeom, I... I never meant for things to get this far. It started as something I thought I had to do, but along the way, I realised...”

Dokyeom cuts you off, his anger boiling over. “Realised what? That you could play with my trust and feelings and throw it all away when it suited you?”

The room feels tense, the air heavy with the moment’s weight. Dokyeom’s trust, once unshakable, has been shattered, and he’s left to grapple with the aftermath of the betrayal.

Your eyes fill with tears as you struggle to find the right words to make amends for your actions. “Dokyeom, please, just hear me out. I never wanted to hurt you. I never thought I would care this much.”

He turns away from you, unable to bear the sight of the person who had manipulated his trust. “Y/N, I need time,” he says, his voice weary and defeated. “I need time to process this, to understand what just happened.”

“Dokyeom,” you begin, your voice quivering, “there’s something I need to tell you. Something I’ve kept hidden for far too long.”

Once warm and trusting, his eyes now hold a mix of curiosity and concern as he nods, encouraging you to continue.

“I come from a past that I’m not proud of,” you admit, gazing at the table before you. “I used to be involved in criminal activities that hurt people and went against everything I now stand for.”

Dokyeom remains silent, his expression a mixture of surprise and a hint of sadness.

Tears well up in your eyes as you recount the horrors of your past the choices you made that left scars on others and yourself. “I’ve hurt people, stolen, lied, and deceived. I could escape my past, but it’s been haunting me, and I can’t bear to keep it hidden any longer.”

Dokyeom’s gaze remains locked on you. His silence speaks volumes.

“I joined this SALAX, this mission, in the hope that I could make amends for my past,” you continue, your voice trembling with emotion. “I wanted to change, become a better person, and do something meaningful. But I understand if you can’t trust me now.”

“If I could give them you, then I would not be punished for my past,” you admit.

The room seems to close in on you as you await his response, the weight of your confession hanging heavily in the air. You fear that your past actions have damaged the trust Dokyeom once had in you.

After what feels like an eternity, Dokyeom finally speaks, his voice measured and compassionate.

“Y/N, what matters is not the person you used to be but who you’ve become. You’ve taken a courageous step by facing your past and sharing it with me.”

Dokyeom's hand finds yours, a gesture of understanding and support.

“We all have our demons, Y/N, and we all make mistakes. What’s important is that you’re trying to make amends and move forward. I believe in the person you are now, and I trust that you’ll continue to work towards the better future you’ve set your sights on.”

Tears of relief well up in your eyes as you squeeze his hand, grateful for his understanding and forgiveness. In that moment, you realise that by sharing your darkest truths, you’ve not only unburdened yourself but also strengthened the trust between you and Dokyeom. It’s a crucial step toward redemption and a brighter future where your past no longer defines who you are.

“We’ll fight it together.”

“We’ll make it out alive, Y/N,” Dokyeom promised. However, as the words left Dokyeom’s mouth, you heard a loud noise, and suddenly, you were both enveloped in a cloud of darkness. 

As the darkness of night envelopes you and Dokyeom, you find yourselves ensnared in a dire predicament. Captured by unknown assailants, you're bound and blindfolded, completely at their mercy. The journey is disorienting, filled with abrupt turns and jolts, leaving you with no sense of direction.

After what feels like an eternity, the vehicle comes to a halt, and you're roughly pulled from your seats. The sound of heavy metal doors creaking open echoes in the air, and you're guided out, stumbling on unfamiliar terrain.

The blindfold is removed, and as your eyes adjust to the dim light, you realize that you're in the heart of SALAX. The planet’s cold and oppressive atmosphere is suffocating, and a sense of foreboding washes over you.

Dokyeom, still bound and disoriented, is by your side, and you exchange a glance that speaks volumes—fear, uncertainty, and the grim realization that you've been brought into the heart of a malevolent force.

Gathered around you are a group of armed figures, their faces obscured by masks and shadows. They remain silent, their intentions unclear, as they usher you both forward, deeper into the labyrinthine alleys of SALAX.

The city's eerie ambience intensifies, and you can't help but wonder what fate awaits you and Dokyeom in this dystopian realm. As you're led further into the heart of the unknown, the sense of peril deepens, and the need for a plan to escape this grim fate becomes all-consuming. 

In the distant, dystopian future, amidst the cold and unforgiving landscape of a city known as SALAX, there exists a name that strikes fear into the hearts of all who dare to speak it—Alastor, the malevolent ruler of this desolate realm.

With a visage shrouded in shadows and a presence that radiates malevolence, Alastor is a figure cloaked in mystery and darkness. His iron grip on SALAX is unyielding, and his dominion extends far beyond the city’s crumbling walls. He is a tyrant of unparalleled cruelty, ruling through fear, manipulation, and an insatiable thirst for power.

The tales of Alastor’s ruthless reign are whispered in hushed tones, passed down from generation to generation. His rule is marked by oppression, surveillance, and merciless enforcers who carry out his every command without question. In his quest for dominance, he has left a trail of broken lives and shattered dreams in his wake.

Alastor’s origins remain closely guarded, hidden behind lies and deception. Some say he was once a brilliant scientist, while others claim he emerged from the depths of the city’s darkest nightmares. Regardless of his past, his present is a reign of terror that leaves no room for hope or resistance.

As the ruler of SALAX, Alastor commands a vast network of spies, informants, and ruthless enforcers, all dedicated to maintaining his oppressive regime. His fortress-like palace, situated at the city’s heart, symbolises his absolute authority. In this place, he broods over his dark ambitions and plots his next move to tighten his grip on the city’s inhabitants.

Alastor’s name is synonymous with cruelty and malevolence, a name that sends shivers down the spines of those who dare utter it. In the grim, futuristic world of SALAX, he is the embodiment of evil, a shadowy figure who rules with an iron fist and whose presence casts a long, foreboding shadow over all who dwell within his domain.

You stand before a council of stern-faced individuals, their collective disapproval palpable. The room is tense, and your heart beats heavily as you confront the consequences of your failure. The weight of their anger bears down on you, and you know that there is no escaping the harsh judgment about to be passed.

One of the council members opens his mouth to address you, his expression a mask of disappointment and anger and addresses you with a voice that cuts through the silence like a blade. “Y/N, you were entrusted with a vital task and failed us miserably.”

Your voice quivers as you attempt to offer an apology. “I... I didn’t mean for this to happen. It was an honest mistake.”

But the council members are unforgiving, their faces etched with anger and frustration. One of them, an imposing figure with a voice like thunder, bellows.

“Honest mistake or not, your failure has put us all at risk. We can’t afford such incompetence.”

The atmosphere in the room grows more hostile with each passing moment. Accusations fly, and your attempts at explaining the circumstances of your failure fall on deaf ears. The decision is made swiftly and decisively.

One of the council members, their voice filled with righteous anger, proclaims.

“Y/N, you have betrayed our trust and jeopardised our mission. You are hereby banished from our ranks.”

The words hang in the air like a death sentence, and you feel a profound sense of despair wash over you. The consequences of your actions have led to your expulsion, and there is no way to argue your way out of it.

Alastor, his gaze filled with disappointment, approaches you with a heavy heart.

“Y/N,” he says, his voice laced with regret. “I never thought I would see this day. You were once a valued team member, but your failure has left us no choice.”

“Please let me do anything else. Please spare him,” you begged. 

“Oh, you still don’t understand, do you? You fell in love with him, gave him your body and love, and as a result, you are no longer of any use to us. You are done,” Alastar spoke, his words terrifying you further. 

“Don’t hurt him,” you whimpered. 

“He’ll be hurt, don’t you worry. He can watch the life be taken out of you. That will be his punishment.”

Tears well up in your eyes as you realise the gravity of your mistake. You had let down not only those who had trusted you but also yourself. The sense of shame and regret is overwhelming.

As you are escorted out of the room, the weight of your banishment settles upon you like a heavy shroud. You are left to face the consequences of your failure alone, the anger and disappointment of those you once considered allies echoing in your ears.

In the days that follow, you wander, a sense of purposelessness consuming you. The world outside is harsh and unforgiving, and you are left to bear the burden of your mistakes.

As you reflect on the consequences of your actions, you can’t help but wonder if there will ever be a way to make amends for your failure. The road ahead is uncertain, and the path to redemption, if it exists at all, seems long and arduous.

But one thing is clear—you must carry the weight of your punishment and learn from your failure, for it is only through facing the consequences of your actions that you can hope to find a way to redeem yourself in the eyes of those you have let down.

In the dimly lit room, the air felt heavy with anguish and despair. You and Dokyeom, bound and helpless, found yourselves in a nightmarish scenario you could never have imagined. A sinister figure, cloaked in shadows, loomed over you both, his intentions cruel and heartless.

Dokyeom watched you helplessly as you lay on the cold, unforgiving floor, your breaths shallow and laboured. The faint flicker of a dying candle cast eerie, shifting shadows on your face, emphasising the pallor of your skin.

Tears welled in your eyes as you whispered words of comfort, your voice trembling with grief. Dokyeom’s eyes met yours, filled with profound sadness and an unspoken understanding of the impending tragedy.

“Any final words?” The sinister figure asked mockingly.

“In another universe, we’ll find each other again,” you breathed out, and Dokyeom let out a string of pleas, begging for mercy.

The sinister figure, unmoved by Dokyeom’s pleas, revealed a cruel smile as he continued his evil act. Time seemed to slow as Dokyeom was forced to witness life slowly ebb away from you–the person he cherished most. Every passing moment felt like an eternity of heartache.

The room seemed to close in around you as the final breaths escaped your lover’s lips, leaving a haunting silence in their wake. Once filled with love and life, their eyes stared vacantly into the abyss.

In that agonising moment, part of you died with them, and the world became darker and colder. The anguish and helplessness etched into your memory would forever haunt your soul, a scar that time could never fully heal.

The End

Earth: Present Day 

“New here, huh?” The man before you asked, and you smiled at him. 

“Uh, yeah. I just moved to this town for a fresh start,” you replied unsurely, making the man smile at you. 

“Why don’t you sit next to that gentleman over there? You both look rather lost. Let me grab a few things, and I’ll sort you both out,” he instructed, and you mumbled a ‘yes’ and made your way to another lost-looking soul. 

“Sorry, is this seat taken?” You asked the stranger. He looked up at you. He had a kind face, warm eyes, and a loving smile. But something about this man was familiar like you had met him once in a dream, in a different life. It makes your heart race and mind run wild with possibilities. You knew him. You just didn’t know how. 

“Nope, have a seat,” he offered kindly. 

“So you’re also lost in a new town, huh?” He asked, and you nodded. 

“Yeah, just, I guess, sorted landed on my ass,” you joked, making him laugh and clap his hands. 

“Same, hey, we’re both lost. I guess we could be friends? I promise you, I won’t bite,” 

“I don’t see why not,” you responded. 

“I’m Y/N,” you introduced, holding your hand to him. 

“Sounds familiar for some reason,” the stranger responded. 

“Funny, I wanted to say the same to you,” you admitted. 

“I’m Seokmin,” he said, shaking your hand. 

“I wish the name rang a bell, but maybe I’m going crazy,” you added, making him smile. 

“Maybe in another universe, we once knew each other?” Seokmin offered. 

#seventeen #dokyeom #seventeen fic #svthub #indigo writes: seokmin #kvanity #svt sci-fi collab

[lemonycranberries]

that ending...

spoiler warning: al rawabi school for girls season 2 ending

tw: suicide, self harm, blood

maybe i shouldn't have watched this whole season today... i'm genuinely feeling kind of unwell. maybe there could've been some kind of trigger warning at least for the last episode.

i do understand the whole shock value thing, but seeing her slit wrist full of blood on the floor made me genuinely sick to my stomach. i'm crying more than i cried any other point of the season (and boy, was that a lot) but not really just in a "watching a show" kind of way, i'm just actually feeling really, really bad.

i understand the message is really important, but watching this was just... very heavy.

Farah was one of the characters I identified with the most this season, one of the characters I felt for the most, and especially one of the characters which I most wanted to have a happy ending.

again, I do understand she's representing a lot of real people. because with a lot of real people, endless bullying and exclusion does lead to suicide. and it's interesting to see how pretty much all of the characters in the main and even side cast played a part in this. constantly bullying her, constantly ignoring her... not even a single person thought of stopping and listening to her. she was insignificant to a lot of them, and when some people (very few, because most still didn't care) were starting to think of going to her, it was too late. but most people didn't even do that. most people laughed at her, excluded her, and made her feel invisible until the very last second. she died thinking nobody actually cared enough about her. and upon finding out about it, the same people who were a few minutes ago laughing at her and mocking her just stood there in shock, starting to cry and having no other possible reaction. because they know this was partially their fault. hell, maybe even largely their fault.

it's just... nobody thinks ignoring and mocking the cheerful, helpful, desperate fat girl (by the way, I thought it was quite strange how the characters in the show actually considered her "fat", but that's for another time) will actually lead to something. they are simply indifferent to her presence and even more indifferent to her suffering. the brilliance is that we're used to that treatment by tv shows themselves as well; sometimes it feels like not even the writers care about this type of character. they're just tossed to the side. they're a sidekick, a best friend, a cousin, a comic relief... until they're not. because in this case, her feelings were considered by the writers in the show, if not by the other characters. and the writers decided to show something that does happen to people who suffer with these issues in real life, even though a lot of television refuses to show it: actual deep consequences, and, in this and many other cases, suicide. the death of a bright, talented, determined, creative, kind young girl who didn't even have anyone consider her, not a single person to offer her help.

i might write more thoughts later, because again, right now i'm just genuinely kind of unwell. well, i guess i can say the ending of this season followed the tradition from s1; very shocking and impactful (though very much a real problem). even though i feel awful right now, i admire this show for how it doesn't shy away from difficult, extremely real topics.

#al rawabi school for girls #al rawabi school for girls s2 #al rawabi school for girls s2 ep6 #v rants #tw suicide #my posts

[andrea-lyn]

If you know one (or two) things about me, it’s that I am occasionally chronically late to a fandom (sometimes accidental, sometimes on purpose), so I missed the ATLA renaissance, but I found my way around to it, which means! Recs! 

This is going to be majority Sokka/Zuko, with a couple others in here. There’s def a second post coming as I make my way through the tag. As ever, master rec post can be found pinned on my tumblr here! 

Zukka ATLA Recs

Wooing the Water Tribe by lenaballena (ALL TIME FAVE RIGHT HERE)

Zuko is courting Katara, and with every passing day finds new and insane ways of showing that he would quite literally move the spirit world and earth to make her happy.

In hindsight, it probably would've been better if Sokka had realised he was in love with Zuko at literally any time before this. Or preferably, never fallen for his best friend in the first place.

exothermic reaction by blueconsequences

When Sokka is temporarily blinded by Fire Nation soldiers, the members of the Gaang take turns to care for him.

One pair of hands is warmer than the others.

Love's Such an Old-Fashioned Word by drvcos

When invited to the 100th anniversary of his father’s company, after 15 years of radio silence, Zuko decides to show how happy he is to all the people from his past. There’s only one (fatal) problem.

Or,

Zuko is a frazzled single dad, Sokka is an absolute flirt, and the “fake” that comes before their relationship doesn’t feel all that fake.

like real people do by verdanthoney for bleekay

Sokka knew he would be dealing with a raging case of baby fever during their annual vacation on Ember Island. What he didn’t expect was to discover that he was also hopelessly in love with Zuko, and had been for years without realizing.

Spirits Help Us, There's Two of Them by hopepunk

Sokka and Zuko are both weird guys. Fortunately, they're the same kind of weird as each other.

(do you take this jerk to be) your one and only by jatersade

Under the leadership of Fire Lord Iroh, the Fire Nation has made every attempt to restore peace and make amends for the harm they inflicted during the Seventy-Year War. Their newest proposal is a literal proposal: a marriage to unite the Fire Nation and the Water Tribes.

The Fire Nation offers Prince Zuko’s hand.

The Water Tribes offer Princess Yue’s.

Sokka is apparently the only person in the world who has a problem with any of this.

isn't this the vision that you wanted by nebulastucky

Firelord Zuko - ender of the Hundred Year War, ruler of the Fire Nation, payer of respects and reparations - takes advice and counsel from representatives of every nation, division, and specialty.

But teenage boy Zuko - friend of turtleducks, wielder of fun looking swords, stumbler over words and feet in the presence of cute boys - only listens to two people, and they are conspiring together to ruin him.

or: Iroh just wants what's best for his nephew, and Katara just wants to know everyone's business.

we had a moment, we had a summertime by nebulastucky

Sokka shrugs. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“You get captured and killed by the Fire Nation,” Toph provides.

“They won’t execute me in a tea shop,” Sokka says around a sudden lump in his throat. “That’d be bad for business.”

or: the one where sokka falls for a tea shop and a boy with too much charm for his own good.

Ignition Point by Yuu_chi

Most people know they're a bender since birth. Sokka just had to discover it at twenty when he accidentally burns his own house down.

Alchemy by mindbending

Sokka (a.k.a the Silent Knight, a.k.a. the sharpest detective in Caldera City) has three cases weighing on his mind.

1.) Zuko, son of the mob boss Ozai, has gone missing under sinister circumstances. 2.) Lee, a teahouse waiter with the face of an angel, wears a scar of mysterious origins. 3.) The Blue Spirit, a lithe and enigmatic cat burglar, keeps stealing into the Fire Nation’s storehouses (not to mention Sokka’s dreams).

Sokka sighs and takes a swig from his special bottle. It’s hard solving three completely unrelated mysteries at the same time...

#recs #rec post #zukka #atla #avatar the last airbender #fic recs

[pokemenlovingmen]

Could I request some headcannons of the ScarVi boys with an agender s/o who struggles a lot with dissociation and stuff? Like maybe how they’d comfort them. Preferably it/its and nym/nyms pronouns please. I personally don’t like being seen as super human due to how often I dissociate if that gives any ideas for writing.

Hello~ so sorry for how long this took. Life has been. A lot. I don't know how much use of pronouns I'll have since I generally write in the second person but I'll do my best! I also have issues with dissociation, but not a lot, so I hope I represent things as best as I can for you. I know everyone's dissocciation manifests differently as well as what helps, some folks need to be put into a lot of activity while others need isolation for a bit, at least from my experience, so I just want to represent all I can. :)

Also if I left anyone out you were looking for please let me know! There's a lotta guys so I left out a few, you said "boys" so I went with the academy guys.

ScarVio Boys x Agender S/O Who Dissocciates!

Arven

🥪 - Arven is definitely a little confused when you first dissocciate around him. First he's worried it's something he did. Then he's worried you're sick or something. So he doesn't handle it super well the first time it happens. But once he realizes what's going on he falls into a rhythm.

🥪 - He's always incredibly communicative but tries to keep himself from grilling you with questions. He handles things with a fair bit of caution as he gradually gets a feel of what dissocciating looks like for you and what you need.

🥪 - Arven always has your back when it comes to your needs. He makes sure you're well-fed and hydrated. If you can't bring yourself to cook for yourself, of course he's going to be doing it for you. (And speaking from personal experience god wouldn't that be the best)

🥪 - Mabosstiff is always hanging out with you too. Sometimes Arven will help guide your hands through the Pokemon's long, coarse fur as a grounding device. Or if you need a lot of sensory input to help, he can also totally just let Mabosstiff jump on you and lick you half to death.

🥪 - He gets restless when there's not something he can do for you at all times and he needs to take time to learn sometimes the best thing he can do to help is just sit with you in silence. Though, occasionally, he'll ask if you'd feel better if he talks. He'd talk for hours if it meant helping bring you down to Earth.

Giacomo

🔈 - Music is one of the best grounding tools and you can bet your ass Giacomo is using every last bit of his musical knowledge and gear to help you.

🔈 - He gets you your own pair of custom headphones, whatever kind you want, one of those types that have noise cancelling you can switch on and off if you're dissocciating for reasons of being overwhelmed.

🔈 - He puts together all the very playlists of all your favorite songs, organized by vibe ofc.

🔈 - And if you need it he'd be happy to share an earbud with you if you need the one-on-one connection of listening to music together.

🔈 - If you're in a public space he's also very swift and on the spot with getting you somewhere calm to decompress.

🔈 - He doesn't really have many words for you, but he'll squeeze your hand and remind you with gentle touches that you're here, and so is he.

Atticus

🧵 - If talking helps guide you through dissocciation, he's probably the one for you. You ask, and he'll just sit next to you and wax poetry for hours. It can help if you're someone who just needs words or conversation, it doesn't matter what the content is.

🧵 - If what you need is a quiet place to come back down to earth he'll whisk you to the very best right away. He has some good spots he finds ideal for meditation that he finds would be ideal.

🧵 - Atticus has lots of little one-on-one activities he offers to do with you. He'll paint your nails, let you try things on or model for him, even just hold up a sleeve of one of his current projects for him to stitch.

🧵 - Or if you need him to just sit next to you in silence, he can do that too. Or if you need him completely gone he'll leave you alone for as long as you need. I think Atticus understands better than most what you might need and to be patient with you, and he never takes your distance personally if it needs to happen.

🧵 - He can also put together some kind of garment like a sweater or hoodie that's sensory-friendly and he will take every last one in your preferences into account. Colors, weight, length, especially material, if you ever make a request expect it to be followed to a T.

🧵 - No matter what it is, if there's one thing you can be sure of it's that Atticus will be patient.

#pokemon x reader #arven x reader #scarvio #pokemon #atticus x reader #giacomo x reader #gn reader

[emeraldelysian]

Tomorrow X Together ✧ Love Languages

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Genre: Fluff

Synopsis: What love languages do the TXT members share with their s/o

Wordcount: 1.5K+

Warnings: None that I know of, but please let me know if there is anything!

Note: I was listening to the song Love Letters by Ballyhoo! which I definitely recommend. It's incredibly wholesome and pure, and it gives off innocent falling-in-love energy.

♡︎ follow, provide feedback, or reblog if you enjoyed but please don't repost or translate!♡︎

■□■□■□■□■□■□■□■

.·:*¨༺ Choi Soobin ༻¨*:·.

Primary ➵ Words of Affirmation

The compliments this boy will give you, oh boy

If you look closely, you'll see actual stars in his eyes when he's looking at you.

But don't worry, if you don't see them, he'll tell you a hundred times over how much you mean to him.

He's the type to send you cute morning messages that make you smile.

Right after you two hang out, you will immediately get a text saying, "I loved seeing you, it made my day a lot better."

At around 2 in the morning if he's not able to sleep, you'll get a text that just goes, "No pressure but I'm pretty sure I want to spend my life with you."

When he wants your attention, he'll send a quick "hey, come here so we can cuddle and laugh"

Followed by an "if you can, please and thank you"

Even if you two argue, he is incredibly mindful of the words he says and tone he uses.

He will never use your insecurities against you and will never come close to crossing a line if he knows it'll hurt you.

Words from loved ones have a huge impact, so he will show you the utmost kindness and respect no matter the situation.

Secondary ➵ Quality Time

If he doesn't have the energy to talk, he'll always just want to be around you.

When he's with you, he will try his best to give you his full, undivided attention

He loves spending time with you, whatever the activity may be.

Wants to try out every hobby and passion you have, even if he's not great at it

Instead of making a playlist for you, he will set aside at least one date to make a playlist together and listen to each other's music tastes

.·:*¨༺ Choi Yeonjun ༻¨*:·.

Primary ➵ Gift Giving

He loves spoiling you so much

You rarely ever ask him for things, but he is hyperaware of the things that you like.

He loves buying you things that you think don't look good on you but he knows it does

Of course, he'll never go outside of your comfort zone but he is determined to make you realize that you're the most beautiful person he's ever met.

Will pout if you don't wear the outfit he buys for you

Is also the type to make sure your fridge is stocked and if it isn't, you better believe he'll come into your place with bags of groceries

He also loves giving you his clothes

Finds you so cute and hot at the same time when you wear his shirts

It does not fail to make him stare for a few seconds

Will buy you both matching outfits because he finds it cute

And because he wants people to know you're his

In fact, he'll probably just buy you a custom necklace with his name on it to be sure everyone knows

Secondary ➵ Physical Touch

He absolutely loves to cuddle with you

It's basically his favorite hobby

And how could he not?? You're so cuddle-able

Will basically tackle you onto the nearest soft surface and just hold you

It is basically impossible to get him to let go so be prepared

He also really loves dancing with you, and just holding you in a dance

Whether you have dance skills or not, you both will pretend to be on a dance competition show and come up with the wildest dance moves.

Is secretly making a choreography for both of you to dance to that represents how he feels about you

.·:*¨༺ Choi Beomgyu ༻¨*:·.

Primary ➵ Quality Time

He once promised to get coffee/tea/hot chocolate every single morning with you and he has kept that promise

He will videochat you just so you two can go get your favorite drinks at the same time if he can't physically be there

Is even willing to make some in the middle of the night if the there's a big time difference between where you both are

At first it was a joke, but now it's become tradition and he takes the role very seriously.

He always laughs with you, it's like he can't stop.

Even if you're down he will find a way to spend time with you and cheer you up.

If you had planned to go out for a date and you weren't up for it, he'd rather have a stay-at-home self-care date than have it cancelled or postponed

It's really important for him to spend time with you, he feels loved when he has your attention and will make sure to give you the same attention in return

Secondary ➵ Gift Giving

If you both choose to go out though, he loves going to an arcade or fair and makes it his mission to win you something.

In fact, basically anything really cute and fluffy that he finds we now be given to you.

Your plushie collection will increase tenfold because of this man

His favorite types of gifts to give you are ones he makes though

We all know he's a hidden creative and artistic mastermind

So he loves actually making things for you or with you

One of his favorite dates is when you both tried to do a bob ross painting without stopping the video

It was the most chaotic process but afterward you both gave the paintings to one another

He still has it up in his room and is incredibly sentimental over it

.·:*¨༺ Kang Taehyun ༻¨*:·.

Primary ➵ Acts of Service

Life is hard enough as is and Taehyun makes it a goal of his to make yours easier, even if it's a little bit

He loves portraying his love by helping you out, whether that be something minuscule like cleaning the decision or something significant as family problems

He will give you a massage after a long day

You both have a very domestic relationship even if you don't live together

Like he enjoys doing chores around your house with you because it gives him a sense of what it'll be like living with you

Trust that he's thought about moving in with you more than once

Will even learn how to cook just for you honestly

He makes sure that you are well-fed and hydrated because you need to take care of yourself

Can't help but get your favorite snacks when he goes grocery shopping

He will make sure that you know he has your back whenever, even if he can't physically be there sometimes

Secondary ➵ Quality Time

This goes hand-in-hand with acts of service for him.

He loves helping you out, both because he wants you to relieve stress and because he wants to spend time with you.

Loves going on a drive with you early in the morning and then watching the sunrise with you.

Basically just starting the day with you makes the whole day better for him

Your first few dates started off classy but then you both realized it'd be much better with the restrictive formalness.

Loves going on dates with you that lets the two of you bond, especially stay-at-home dates or quiet public places.

His phone background is when you both went to an aquarium right when it opened for the day and he got a picture of you under the water tunnel looking up at the creatures

.·:*¨༺ Huening Kai ༻¨*:·.

Primary ➵ Physical Touch

Look at this cute sentimental boy

He definitely shows you most of his love through physical touch.

He especially loves to hold your hand.

It's to the point where he knows subconsciously will search for your hand just to hold it.

It also gives him great comfort and strength, because it's symbolic of you being there for him.

His shoulder is always there for you to sleep on it too, he doesn't mind at all

But please know that he will secretly be placing small kisses on your forehead.

Also he loves being on the receiving end of physical touch just as much as he loves giving it

If you initiate a hug or hold his hand, his heart melts, especially if you're shyer or aren't used to it

Also if you pet his hair, he immediately loses all tension and stress

It's like his immediate unplug from the rest of the world, even if it's for a small bit

Will also present cuddling as a date idea

That's it, just cuddling and talking

Secondary ➵ Words of Affirmation

Is so incredibly thankful for you and will let you know it

"Thank you for being there for me."

"Thank you for checking up on me all the time"

"Thank you for being in my life and staying."

Took a very long time to say "I love you" to you at first actually because he wanted to be sure

But once he said it, it was like he could not stop

So he'll basically tell you that he loves you all the time

He will also shows genuine interest in talking about your passions.

He finds it absolutely adorable if you ramble on and on about something you love and will always reassure you if you apologize for talking so much

#txt #tomorrow x together #soobin #choi soobin #yeonjun #choi yeonjun #beomgyu #choi beomgyu #kang taehyun #taehyun #hueningkai #txt reactions #txt scenarios #txt headcanons #txt imagines #tomorrow x together reactions #tomorrow x together scenarios #tomorrow x together headcanons #tomorrow x together imagines #txt fluff #tomorrow x together fluff #txt yeonjun #txt taehyun #txt soobin #txt beomgyu #txt huening kai #emerald writes ✧

[jungkookslipring]

I Will Never Make You Lonely: Ch 5

Summary: When your life is falling apart, your 8 best friends are there to lift you up

TW: mentions of de&th, su!c!de, su!c!de tendencies, su!c!dal ideologies, depress!on, anxiety, crying. If this is in any way triggering I’d steer towards more of my happier works. 

If you or someone you love has thought of or acted on suicide, there is help and there is hope 

Call or text 988

Genre: angst, hurt/comfort, non-idol AU

PSA: this is no way represents the artists. While their birth names are used in this story, this is in no way a reflection of the artist or artists in real life.

AU: mentions of de&th are implied in this chapter, read at your own risk. Swearing. mentions of eating and lack thereof. Reader doesn’t have the biggest appetite but I still wanted to put it as a warning. 

Ch 5 When you woke up the next morning, you found yourself surrounded by sunlight and the sound of birds chirping. You also found Jeongin's head on your shoulder, his messy bedhead evident as he quietly snored. You smiled as he snuggled deeper into your hold, and you let out a small sigh. Glancing at your phone, you noticed that it was already 9:00 am. Suddenly, there was a small knock on the door, followed by Hyunjin's announcement that breakfast was ready. The noise woke Jeongin up, and he lifted his head with his eyes squinted and confused, much like a baby waking up from a nap. Hyunjin smiled and ruffled his hair.

“There’s coffee too, Innie”, you both laughed as he quickly untangled himself from the blankets and sped off into the kitchen. You lay there for a second before Hyunjin spoke up. 

“What’s on your mind?” Hyunjin asks quietly. You shook your head, looking out the window.

“I just feel so guilty,” you whispered. “I know I can’t control it…I just…I don’t know…*sigh* I just don’t know why she had to go, you know?” you stated as you did your best to keep your voice level, throat still sore from last night. Hyunjin nods understandingly. 

“Carter *shaky exhale* Carter had a difficult childhood. After Peyton turned 18, neither of their parents were around. Carter only had her sister and me, so I felt responsible to make sure she had the best life possible and was always happy.,” you say trying to control your trembling lips. Hyunjin nodded and listened intently. 

“Has she always felt this way?” Hyunjin asked hesitantly, not wanting to ask the wrong question. You nodded. 

“Yeah, but she’s never tried you know, at least I don’t think…” you say rubbing your head. “But this time...I guess it was just too much…” you choked out. Hyunjin was at a loss for words. 

“I was too late…I couldn’t save her Hyunjin…and the signs were there! What if…what if I can’t save anyone else?” You ask as Hyunjin shushes you gently, pulling you into his chest. He was not going to let you take the blame for this. He let you have a few minutes before he started speaking.

“Our y/n…you have such a big heart. You’re kind and welcoming to everyone you meet. You’re sensitive when one of us needs a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. We love that you take care of all of us here, but that’s not your job sweetheart. You’re not in charge of everyone else’s happiness. Bearing the weight of someone else’s well-being isn’t your job as a human on earth. It’s not your fault, it’s never your fault, baby,” he said scratching your back. 

“I know she was grateful to have you,” Hyunjin said, kissing your head. You let out a sigh while your arms tighten around Hyunjin’s torso.

“Please…please if you or the boys ever feel anything please please please come talk to me, I can’t go through this again,” you plead desperation coating your words. Hyunjin squeezed you tighter; he knew, they all knew they could come talk to you, but you needed to be reassured.

“Of course, we’d come and talk to you…you’re stuck with us for lifers,” he said cheekily as he pinched your side, effectively getting you to giggle until he gently cupped your face, wiping away the last bit of your tears.

“But remember that your health and well-being come before any of ours,” he whispered looking down at you as you shrugged.

“It’s easier said than done…”. He nods while tucking strands behind your ear.

“I know Y/n, but it’s the truth. I know some of the other guys struggle with that. We want to take care of the ones we love, it comes naturally, so I understand,” he said. 

“Thanks, Hyunjin.” He smiles and gets off the bed, reaching for your hand to pull you up not too long after. As you walked into the kitchen, the sweet aroma of blueberry pancakes and coffee filled the room, making you feel warm and fuzzy inside. But as you looked at some of the boys, you noticed that they had puffy eyes from last night's events. Although they reassured you that everything was okay, it still hurt. Fortunately, it was the weekend, and it seemed like none of them were planning to leave the house. They were all gathered around the TV, some sitting on the floor, others on the couch. When they saw you, they didn't question your puffy eyes, but gave you sympathetic looks. You smiled back at them, trying to lighten the mood. Hyunjin was by your side, with his arm still around you. You both found a spot on the couch and sank into the cushions. Han, who was sitting on the floor next to Minho, turned around and took your hand.

“How are you doing y/n?” he asked quietly. You smiled and rubbed his hand with your thumb. 

“I’ve been better but I’ll be okay,” you said sincerely.

“Y/n?” Jeongin asked in a quiet voice. You made eye contact and hummed in response.

“How did you find out? About Carter?” he asked quietly, also not wanting to ask the wrong thing. You realized everyone knew what determined her passing when he was in his room. 

“Yeah she uh, Peyton found her letter Jeongin-ie,” you said as his eyes softened even more if that was humanly possible. You let out another exhale, and Minho’s hand found its way above your knee, rubbing your skin in comforting motions, silently letting you know that it was okay, to take your time and that they were here for you. Hyunjin squeezed you tighter, kissing the side of your temple while you tried to get rid of the lump in your throat, but the boys didn’t mind, they wanted you to do this on your terms. 

“I’ve always been on edge about her doing something like that…and I wanted to believe it was just an accident, but deep down I guess…I figured it was…I don’t know intentional, but when Peyton confirmed it, it was impossible to deny it, even though I tried,” you explain as your eyes stung with unshed moisture that gathered at the waterline. Now that you were no longer blocking out the reality of it all, you were hurting so much more now. Chris got up from his spot on the floor and moved to the back of the couch, to hug you from behind, seeing that Jeongin got up from his seat and wrapped his arms around your middle. Your hands clutched onto his forearms as they all scooted closer, making one big group hug. They held you for a while until Chris rubbed your arm and asked if you were hungry. Truthfully, you weren’t, but you hadn’t been eating as much as you’d hoped the last month and a half, so you were at least going to try. You sat at the table when one of the guys fixed you up a plate. You were so determined to eat something, but with depression comes nausea, and your vision blurred as you stared at your eggs.

“Dammit,” you grit between your teeth, your hand furiously rubbing at your eyes. Your chair slowly spun around, and you were now facing Changbin.

“Hey y/n it’s okay, it’s okay if you’re not up for eating right now, please don’t beat yourself up over that…” he said pulling you into his arms.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, feeling so frustrated with yourself. That phone call did it for you and you felt like you couldn’t close the floodgates. You weren’t bawling but crocodile tears were plopping on his shoulder.

“There’s nothing to apologize for, I promise, you did nothing wrong,” he whispered, holding you tighter. “How can we help you bug, what can we do for you?” Changbin asked.

“I don’t know,” you sigh, not knowing what you wanted.

“Would you like to get back in bed?” He asked. He was so patient with you. You nodded weakly.

“Yes please…” you say barely above a whisper. Changbin nodded and helped you down from your chair, supporting your back as you two walked out of the kitchen. After you both reached the room, Changbin closed the door quietly and shut the blinds to make the room pitch dark. He lifted the covers so you could crawl under them and immediately curl up into a ball. Changbin was heartbroken seeing you go through this. He tucked you in bed, ensuring that no part of your body was exposed except for your face. He gently moved some of your hair that was stuck to your face out of the way to make you more comfortable. 

“Changbin?” You ask, struggling to make eye contact. He doesn’t stop his movements as he looks at you, watching your eyes slowly make their way up to his.

“I-I don’t think I’m okay…” Changbin nodded sadly.

“We know y/n… but we want you to know that you don't have to be strong all the time,” he reassured you by wiping at your cheeks. 

“I hate feeling like this though…” you say as you try to keep your new onset of tears at bay. 

“But numbing yourself will only make you feel worse, love,” he argued as gently as possible, and you knew he was right. 

“What is it you’re feeling? I won't push you if you don't want to talk about it, but I can assure you it helps sometimes,” Changbin said kindly. He truly didn't want to push you if you didn't want to say anything, he knew you were hurting enough as it was.

“It’s just once I start I can’t stop;  last night and this morning were concrete evidence of that,” you stated, sounding drained. Changbin nodded, they’ve all had their fair share of masking their emotions, and they’re sure everyone got the same talk from each other at least once. They knew you felt and loved very deeply, so they understood why you wanted to protect yourself from hurting.

“I’m just so sad. I can't even fathom the pain she felt all these years and how it built up until it became too much *sniff* and my heart just really hurts right now. I’m so lost Bin, I’m so lost without her,” you stuttered thickly before hiding your face in your hands, Changbin scooting closer to you, still kneeled on the floor, pulling your head into his chest as he laid his head on top of yours. He cradled your head as if he were protecting you from the world.

“I understand, we all do, y/n, and I’m so so sorry this happened,” he whispered, trying to find the right words in this situation. He said what he felt in his heart. “I know it hurts, but thats why you have us. We are here for you to share your pain, so that it feels more bearable. Please know that we are willing to do anything to help you, even if it means taking your pain away completely. I think I speak on behalf of all of us when I say we wish we could be in your shoes,” he said, eyes softening when fear spread through your body. You pulled away and shook your head rapidly while grabbing a hold of Changbin’s wrist. No, not them. You wouldn’t want any of them going through the nightmare you were in. The idea of them feeling what you were feeling tore you apart. Jeongin bawled into your arms last night stating how scared he was to go through that, you wouldn’t wish this sort of heartbreak on your worst enemy, let alone your best friends. 

“Binnie no…I’m beyond grateful it’s me and not you guys going through this,” you say as crocodile tears start slipping down your face once more. Changbin swallowed the lump in his throat as he caressed your hair. 

“Shh shh shh, but if we were, you would do anything in your power to make sure we weren’t bearing the weight of the world alone, let us do that for you y/n, let us help you,” he practically begged. He was starting to sound a lot like Chris. You couldn't argue with him, not Changbin. All you could do was cry.

“Would you like to be alone?” Changbin asked. You shook your head, cause while you weren’t one to ask for help, there was no point in masking your feelings anymore.

“Can…can you stay, just a little longer, please?” you ask. He gave you one of the kindest smiles you have ever seen, getting under the blankets and pulling you into his arms, your head lying against his chest. He allowed you to cry out your remaining tears on his chest while petting your hair and murmuring words of comfort. He encouraged you to let all your emotions out and let yourself be comforted. You’re not fully positive when you fell asleep, but by the time you opened your eyes, it was already 10 p.m., and Changbin was nowhere to be seen. You assumed he went to the bathroom, and the realization hit you that you had been sleeping most likely for 13 hours straight. You dragged yourself out of bed and stumbled into the hallway in search of an unoccupied bathroom. After finishing your business, you walked into the kitchen to get some water when you noticed the TV was on in the living room. Curiosity got the better of you, and you peeked around the corner to see Seungmin lying on the couch, engrossed in a drama.

“Hi Minnie,” you whisper, doing your best not to startle him. He turned around and his eyes sparked as he sat up.

“Hi y/n, did you sleep okay?” he asked as he patted the space next to him. You plopped yourself next to him and smiled when he lifted the blanket to throw over your legs. 

“I slept so long but I still feel tired. How does that even work?” you chuckled lightly. He gave you a knowing grin, understanding that everything going on has you completely and utterly exhausted. 

“I’m sorry y/n…” Seungmin said sympathetically. As you felt your eyes getting heavy again, Seugmin laid back down on the couch, pulling you along with him. He wrapped his arms around you, and your head rested on his shoulder. You two fell asleep almost instantly. After Changbin finished his shower, he entered the living room to see who was still up. He smiled when he saw two sleeping figures cuddled up on the couch. He pulled the blanket to cover you both up and turned off the TV. You and Seungmin remained in each other's arms, and for that evening, the rest of the week, and maybe the week after, nobody slept alone.

taglist: @felixmainacc @felixburneracc @myforevermelody143 @dunno-wut-to-do @itzsana-kiddingmenow

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[vynegar]

marius 3rd birthday card excerpt

happy birthday marius!!! this excerpt includes the (HEARTBREAKING!!) flashback scene as well as a short scene that continued that storyline of the von Hagen family. i really loved this card and i hope you’ll enjoy this excerpt of it too!

disclaimer: this is a fan translation and i am not fluent in chinese, so keep in mind that there will be mistakes. feel free to let me know if you have questions, concerns, or comments.

do not repost without explicit permission. if you want to quote this or reference parts of the translation, credit and link back to me.

check my masterlist for more translations.

timestamps go along with the card video here. it’s not mine, please support the uploader Hikari Sherry Gaming by liking/commenting/subscribing.

Title: Fireflies and Darkness (萤影同归)

Context:

Lately, Marius has been busy at Pax with a project that Giann had been planning before he disappeared. Meanwhile, MC is planning Marius’s birthday celebration and wants to do it the way he would celebrate when he was a child. Marius describes how they would celebrate privately as a family at the von Hagen estate. Also, every year Giann would fill up a room with fireflies, which he said represented their mother celebrating Marius’s birthday. MC suggests they go to von Hagen estate to celebrate his birthday.

At the estate, MC and Marius end up cleaning out a study room. MC finds a box of Marius’s old exams, but among all the scores of 100, a 59 stands out. Giann’s name is signed at the top of the paper [where the parent/guardian is supposed to sign the exam, to show that they’ve seen the score and most likely went over it with their child]. All the answers would be correct though, they’re just off by one question. Marius eventually explains:

[16:23]

Marius smiled as he took the yellowed midterm exam from my hands. Nostalgically, he traced his finger over the unsightly number.

Marius: Before I talk about this exam, let me first tell you a story about a foolish little brother who protected his older brother in a childish way.

MC: ...

Marius: A long time ago, there was a family of a father and two sons. The matriarch of the family passed away when the younger brother was born. As a result, they were especially loving toward this younger brother who had never had a mother, and always reserved the best things for him.

MC: (This story...)

Marius: When the little brother was seven, the father transferred all of the assets left behind by the mother to the boy’s name. This sparked widespread discussion from the outside world, as they believed the marriage between the boy's parents was a dirty transaction. Otherwise, how could they force the mother to give birth to him while she was severely ill? Everyone could see that the young brother was more similar to his father, in both appearance and personality. For a short time, practically everyone believed that the father would leave the role of heir to the younger brother. Even though the younger brother thought that was ridiculous, the rumors still impacted his older brother.

MC: How could that happen...

Marius gently squeezed my hand in reassurance, indicating that I should continue listening to his story.

Marius: The younger brother noticed how much pressure his older brother was under at that time, how he often had sleepless nights. So the boy wanted to disqualify himself from becoming heir. That way, his older brother would be his father's only option.

He looked up and smiled, as if thinking it were funny, but my heart couldn't help but ache. The younger brother in the story was probably Marius himself. He was only seven years old, yet he had to deal with this kind of situation...

MC: So your silly solution was to get the questions wrong on purpose, to make everyone think you were dumb and unqualified to be his heir?

Marius knew that I guessed who the story was about. He smiled and pinched my cheek, nodding.

Marius: Yeah. But my brother was smart enough to catch on immediately.

MC: What did he do when he realized?

Marius: Well, he was angry of course. When we got home, he furiously dragged me into the study to ask me why.

As Marius recounted the story, it was as if I returned to that past along with him...

[flashback]

... and saw the seventeen-year-old older brother drag his seven-year-old younger brother through the long hallway, slam open the door, and "confront" him in the study. The misunderstood boy was forced in front of the table by his still-adolescent older brother, who was holding the exam paper and questioning him.

Giann: Marius, why did you answer the questions wrong on purpose?

Marius: ...

The boy gripped his sleeves and clenched his teeth – silent, as if that could let the incident pass by quietly. In reponse, Giann knelt down so he was eye-level with Marius, then sighed helplessly.

Giann: Marius*, as a child of the von Hagen family, grades have never been the number one priority. But there's a difference between not being gifted at something and getting it wrong on purpose. I know you're smart, and you got all the right answers. Something must have happened to make you do this. Am I right?

Marius: ...

Giann: Tell your big brother why you did this. If you just stay silent, I'll worry.

When Giann was angry, little Marius was able to hold back his tears. But when he was softly comforting him, the boy's tears finally overflowed.

The tears poured out before Marius might have even realized it. He hurriedly wiped them away, but the more he did that, the more the tears came. In that moment, all the fear and worries that he had been enduring during that time burst out.

Marius: I'm sorry, Giann... *sob*... I'm sorry...

Giann: ...

Marius: I made things so hard for you. It's my fault... that they won't let you be heir. I... I don't want those shares, I just want you and Dad... *sob*...

Marius stuttered out the feelings that he had been holding inside the whole time.

Giann: Marius...

Possibly because he had never seen Marius cry so grievously before, Giann hesitated when he reached out to wipe away Marius's tears... Then, he finally gave an aching sigh. Having grown up in the von Hagen family, he quickly guessed what Marius had experienced. And this was only the beginning. In the future, they would encounter more situations like this, which was burden they had to bear. But as long as their family trusted in each other, no rumor could shake the strength of their relationship.

Giann: Marius, Dad actually asked me for my opinion before giving the Pax shares to you.

Marius: You... already knew?

Giann: Yeah. And I agreed.

Marius: But... why?

Giann: Obviously because... my little brother is the best little brother in the world. And… you've never had Mom to take care of you. The funds used to establish Pax Capital** all came from Mom. So transferring the shares to you was probably Dad's way of making up for Mom not being there to protect you.

Giann thought that his words would make Marius stop crying, but didn't realize that it would make him sob even harder.

Giann: Huh? W-why... why are you crying even harder now...? Marius... Don't cry... Is it because I was mad at you earlier? Hey, I was just pretending, how could I actually be mad at you...

Seeing his brother's self-reproach, Marius shook his head while wiping his tears.

Marius: I've... always felt like I was the one who killed Mom. Because of me, Dad was misunderstood, and you've had such a hard time. It's all my fault... Giann, should I have never been born?

Marius gazed tearfully at his brother as he spoke his greatest fear aloud. His young mind didn't even know what answer he wanted to hear, but his doubts over his life had made him unable to endure it any longer.

[END PART TWO]

[PART THREE]

[22:29] Study

Giann pulled Marius into a hug. The boy's small body shook uncontrollably as he sobbed in his brother's arms.

Giann: What kind of a silly idea is that? You have no idea how much Mom was looking forward to you back then. She even made me promise that no matter what happened in the future, I would always protect you, so that you could grow up happy and healthy.

Marius: R-really?

Marius sniffled, like he still had his doubts. After all, the role of "Mom" had always been empty in his life. Giann, understanding how his brother felt, let go of Marius, turned and gripped Marius by the shoulders, then nodded his head seriously.

Giann: Yes, really. Do you remember the fireflies that are there for your birthday every year?

Marius: ...Yeah...

Giann: That was Mom's idea.

Marius: Why?

Giann: She said that if you can see the fireflies, then that was her celebrating your birthday.

Marius: ...

Giann: So Marius , you don't need to blame yourself. You're my precious little brother. No matter what happens, your big brother will do everything he can to protect you. Got it?

Marius: Got it.

[end flashback]

Marius: My brother always kept his promise to our mother to protect me. Even if he was pressured or wronged, he would always prioritize me.

The memory of the exam paper reminded Marius of Giann's disappearance and the stalled project. No matter how well he hid it, I could still sense his worry and disappointment. I hugged him gently. He stiffened for a moment, then patted my back like nothing had happened.

Marius: You don't need to feel bad for me. Yes, there were things I didn’t have before I met you, but I was well protected too. In a way, I really did grow up happy and healthy like my mother wanted. That's how I became the excellent person that you met.

MC: Yes, thank you for becoming so excellent.

[…]

[jump to 36:01, at the von Hagen Estate]

As for the remaining time, I shifted my focus to preparing for Marius's birthday. Everything was pretty much ready, and all that remained was the last step: the devices for attracting fireflies. I found many methods online that were simple and harmless for the fireflies, but...

MC: (Where do I go to find fireflies? Maybe I should ask Mr. Payton. After all, he's familiar with the von Hagen Estate.)

Just as I was about to look for Mr. Payton, I saw him return from the garden.

MC: Mr. Payton, you're back! I happen to have something to ask you.

Payton: By all means, what can I help you with?

MC: Do you still remember when Marius was a kid, how every year there would be fireflies on his birthday?

Payton: The fireflies? Yes, I remember. Those were a surprise that Master Giann would prepare for Master Marius.

MC: Do you know where the fireflies were from?

Payton: They live in the small forest behind the von Hagen Estate.

MC: Whoa, they're that close?

I had a feeling that the fireflies wouldn't be too far away, but I didn't think they'd be right at von Hagen estate.

Payton: It’s because those fireflies were all personally raised by Sir and Master Giann. Back then, Sir put quite a bit of effort into hiding it from Master Marius.

MC: So you mean, Uncle Austin knows about that story too?

Payton: Yes. When his mother departed, Master Giann was still just a child. He couldn't have done all of that by himself.

It turned out that everyone had put in so much work in order to protect Marius. However, growing up in such a loving environment was what allowed him to become who he was today.

MC: Are those fireflies still there?

Payton: They are. This ritual has been on pause ever since Master Marius left to study abroad, but Sir and Master Giann still work hard every year to maintain the forest and ensure the fireflies can survive.

MC: ...

Mr. Payton's words made me realize that it had been a long time since Marius celebrated his birthday at home. He went abroad at a young age, leaving his home to pursue the path of an artist, and then returned to bear his responsibilities when his brother disappeared... He was forced to grow up from a doted-on young master to an independent acting CEO. He protected his family members in his own way, but always forgot to protect himself.

Well, I could protect him.

MC: Mr. Payton, I want to recreate this birthday ritual. Could you help me?

Payton: Of course.

 * Translation note: Giann uses 小和, which is a way of making a nickname out of Marius’s name. I originally had it as “Mar” but changed it for consistency with “Will of the Trees” SSR.

** Pax Capital is Pax’s investment firm. We actually already knew that it was their mother’s legacy; this was the branch of Pax that we saw right at the end of chapter one (1-17), when Marius (still without a full face and name) chewed out the managers for investing in a shady business with his mother’s legacy. So with this card, it seems like our first glimpse of Marius was of him protecting the first piece of Pax that he ever got.

#marius von hagen #tears of themis #giann von hagen #tot marius #lu jinghe #tot translation #LOVE IT when i can put giann's name in the tags. such a thrill