#like. people can't help their fucking triggers

[nardos-primetime]

what's the most fucked up thing/AU/whatever you made? I wanna desensitize myself to your work before diving in.

Starting out with saying I wouldn't condone any of the bad shit within my stories, often times these are just what ifs I find interesting to look into. I wouldn't look at an actual murderer irl and go "Awesome" but I'll joke around with my villain Mikey like "He hasn't done a thing wrong heart emoji" when he has actively killed and enjoyed the murder of multiple people.

A lot of my aus are more toned down from my regular more personal works, solely because I can't help but go a bit easier on the turtles since they are a comfort for me and I wouldn't find my more personal topics appropriate for the turtles.

Overall, I'd say body horror, disease, self harm, suicide, murder, and mental/physical abuse/child abuse/neglect is something to look out for in a lot of my works, along with gore and injury in general. I also have a tendency to write cannibalism (an interesting motif to me, I would not condone it irl, obviously) and/or autocannibalism (to cope with personal issues I am not comfortable elaborating on, it's some Mental health stuff.) Overall I like putting the turtles through it, lmao.

(Forgot to add animal abuse/death)

I will never directly delve into the topic of sex within my works (as in you'll never see me write any of them doing such acts), but I have a handful of somewhat older Leo's who specifically deal with unhealthy romance, one of these is within my magical boys au where all four experience some level of inappropriateness due to their fame, not once is this a good thing, and this is meant to be a bad thing within the story. The other has a Leo who dates around a lot but always falls short due to his anxieties and commitment issues. He never goes through with it, though he likes to joke about more sexual topics. (He's crude.)

The magical boys au, priorly mentioned, contains underage drinking and smoking, mental health issues, self-harm, and the boys being mistreated and abused within their own workplace, one way or another.

One of my oneshots currently has a younger child get murdered in it, though I've deliberately made the death surrounding it not as detailed, as even if younger children die in my stories it makes me uncomfortable to focus on it the same I would other characters, unless it's an injury a child survives, then it's a 50/50. This is a situation that is conflicting for the main character, but is done out of survival's sake. (In his eyes.)

Viral.Donnie has evolved into a character that focuses on addiction later on, and I do tend to give the turtles addictions depending on the story.

Million Dollar Box/Villain Mikey has hallucinations, vivid, probably not 100% accurate, but these are not his real brothers. Story wise, they are a way to delve into his mental state and look at his conflicting feelings about his family.

Villain Raph is less developed, but he actively is mentally (and physically) abusive to his brothers in his own way.

A lot of the time, my writing style mixes with the thoughts and personality of the main focus, and a lot of these times, the characters are not rational nor moral. Untrustworthy narrators are fun.

You will see I don't like actively splitting up the turtles entirely very much. Normally, I'd be able to do it easily, but I have a soft spot for them. Hell, Viral Donnie, Villain Raph, and Million Dollar Box Mikey's follow-up story gives them a family after losing theirs. Most of the time, if one turtle falls, I take the others, or at least one others with them. For fun.

I try to not go for just shock value, even if I like describing the horrors I like having a reasoning, whether it be some insane deeper meaning I made up, it fitting a character/their personality, or just being interesting for me. I do my best to tag all potentially triggering topics within my works, but I may slip up at times. Apologies for that.

Horror is my main fixation overall outside of TMNT, and I like various types of it. The Nonsense Apocalypse AU is supposed to be a mixture of slice of life and horror, resulting in a world that just doesn't make sense, with some more... serious aspects on top.

I hope this helps, I kinda went on a ramble, but I didn't want too much confusion since most of my actual aus aren't fully out yet in any way.

Hope it helps again, Anon.

#nardo's asks.txt #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #rise leo #rottmnt leo #rise donnie #rottmnt donnie #rise mikey #rottmnt mikey #rise raph #rottmnt raph #rottmnt au #idk how to tag this specificly tbh #info? loredump? its not rlly either #long post #????????

[inkskinned]

im gonna start a fight; and, at the same time, i need you to take this in the most good-faith way possible, but:

videos that involve body-checking and intentionally (and uncritically) show a mealplan of an unhealthy number of calories are just a revamped version of pro-ana food diaries.

and yeah, i know there's arguments. i address some of them under the cut. but at the end of the day, we're just coming back to romanticizing mental illness; we've just found a better platform for it.

this is already something we've done. we knew it was wrong and tried to stop it. and tbh. it just wasn't enough.

there are people who argue "well, what if you have an eating disorder, you can't help it if you don't eat!" except that as someone with an ED; we are not infants. we know what we're doing. part of having an ED is that you are like, maybe too self-aware. even if we can't help our own food choices, we don't need to fucking romanticize the disorder - something we've been warning you about since 2013. there are hours of setup, filming, and editing that go into these videos. they do not happen to fall into place randomly. there is a reason they are pieced together to be beautiful, bright, inspiring.

there's this woman who pretty much only posts daily plans under a normal amount of calories, and everyone defends her saying but it's better than nothing! and i'm like. except she opens those with images of her showing off her body and provides no context in the video or caption that suggests that she believes what she's doing is unhealthy. she has hundreds of thousands of followers on a platform designed for young kids and teens. i refuse to believe that by accident her content just happens to be cheery advice on "healthy" versions of starving.

for any other symptom of mental illness, we would be incredibly enraged by this kind of placid acceptance of a "tips and tricks" fast-start guide. imagine if people posted pink & pretty videos saying "best places to cut yourself" as if it was a fucking storytime. we, as a society, are so fucking fatphobic that we would rather accept blatantly harmful displays of self harm than admit that we are obsessed with a hyper-thin body type.

i am not suggesting someone never talks about their disorder. i talk about mine. actually, it's a plot point in my book.

here's the difference: i recognize it's a fucking mental illness. i am very careful to never mention a specific weight, eating pattern, or calorie plan. i always make sure to position it as something that ruined my fucking life. i do not put cheery music in the background and hearts and sparkles over my worst moments. i do not film it in bright light. i do not start each passage with an image of a thin body followed by "here's how to look like her."

eating disorders should not be framed as aspirational. and the problem is that society worships the "after" image, so long as you don't get too sick. there is a reason so many people who quit being "influencers" will later admit - i wasn't eating well that whole time; an obsession with food was completely destroying my life.

we let any uncredited, uncertified person write the most backwards, fucked up shit about how to get the body you desire! because the underlying, secret belief is: well, at least they're thin! and the real thing that fucking gets me each time - they make fucking money off of it. their irresponsibility and societal harm literally pays off for them.

"why do you care so much." "don't like it don't look." "so what if people experiment with new ways of thinking of food?"

thank you for asking. we're about to get extremely personal. it's because when i was 18 i discovered "thinspiration"/"thinspo." and it absolutely influenced, shaped, and codified my pre-existing eating disorder. i went from having some troubling habits and traits to being incredibly unwell within what felt like a matter of days. there were actual pages designed to train me on how to have an ED correctly. it was all so suddenly easy. i was sick; and the nature of the illness meant - i wanted to be sicker.

it takes an average of 7 years for a person to fully recover. i know this personally - even now, 10 years from the worst of it, i still fucking struggle. i am so much happier now and i eat what i want and i literally don't think about food at all (19 year old me would shudder) and yet - i still fucking know the calories of plain toast with butter.

an eating disorder is one of the deadliest types of mental illness. over 1 in 4 people with an ED will attempt suicide.

and i'm sorry. i just do not see the exchange rate of "high rate of engagement" versus "the value of a human life."

#and there's something else in there about like .... #tbh once i got over something like 1k followers #i stopped being specific about my ED for a REASON. #yes on ur personal locked blog that u use like a diary go ahead etc #but we are OBVIOUSLY not talking about that. we're talking about the sheer NUMBER of people i could be talking about #in that one paragraph. that you and i probably were thinking about 2 different influencers #bc they get to say that they're just posting FITNESS and if it's FITNESS it's OKAY and im like #jesus christ lord almighty #every person in recovery from an ED: this is incredibly dangerous holy shit do you know how much this would have triggered me #each of these ppl: how dare you!!!!!!!!! i am only harming those who WANT to engage with my content!!!!! #their followers: leave them alone !!! they can't help that they make an hours-long choice to frame their disorder as if it was #fucking cottagecore !!!! #like girlie this person needs THERAPY #again! i didn't even have that large of a following before i IMMEDIATELY deleted any specific mention of calories food etc #bc i recognize responsibility and i didnt EVER want to even ACCIDENTALLY encourage this #and im not even GETTING PAID FOR THIS!!! #aND THEY ARE!!! #something something something they know this content makes them money #they don't give a SHIT about u babe

[lucyvaleheart]

.

#sigh. another vent post.... #almost getting tired of making these but. I'm just.... I just don't really have much else I can do without botherin people #uh pretty big trigger warning for this one BTW #don't read on if you're low on spoons and whatnot. genuinely it's fine and I will be fine I always am #but like. yknow. when shit sucks it fucking sucks #anyway. uh. I just can't stand the idea that I might be bothering someone #so at least this way my stupid cries for help have a possibility of getting me some without making any specific #person feel obligated. yknow? maybe you see the post maybe you don't #Maybe you don't read all the way maybe you do. either way you can choose if you have the spoons to reach out #without feeling guilty either way. I hope. #.......i kind of want to fucking kill myself again #.....it used to be a much rarer thought. and I used to be much less struck by intense loneliness and longing like this #but I just feel so fucking needy. so desperate for attention and love and it hurts so much if I don't get it #and like. it's realistically nobody's fault but my own yknow... i need to ask for it more. i know that. i just suck at it #and then I can't ask. so I don't get attention. and in turn I feel neglected. secondary. like I'm not anyone's primary focus #and it just fucking hurts so much and it's just my own damn fault and I don't know how to fix it. #......i do. I need therapy I need meds or something. that's the answer here really #picked out a psychiatrist. need to call and make an appointment. but adhd and executive function and anxiety (that last one I need meds for) #mean it's very hard to both remember and then actually perform the task of calling the fucjing Dr #......believe me I'm trying.....like fuck I'm trying so hard.... and I started bawling having seen sparkles and ms robot girl reblog that #post from me about letting prev know you're proud of them. bawled when quinn called me cutie last night. bawled when #ginny said they wished they were here.... fuck me I do too I want to be the focus of someone's attention so so so so badly #fuck #...............it's redundant to say at this point a second time but. goddess above its a little scary how much I wanna kill myself #........sigh #....anyway. please do not feel obligated to respond to this in any way. do what you got the spoons for. #thank you for even reading all of this shit if you've gotten this far. i love you deeply and with all my heart. I'll be fine I promise #won't act on it no matter how strong the feeling is. just.....hurts in the meantime. but I'll be ok. I promise #................fuck. im going back to bed

[wild-at-mind]

If you ever see me becoming one of those transmisandry people, please fucking call me out immediately.

#it shouldn't happen though i am too triggered by MRA-lite material #i can't see that changing any time soon even though i haven't had exposure to the content for like 10 years #the transmisandry discourse on this site melts my brain it's awful it's just online stuff being argued about more online stuff #this is not the same as me saying i will never be treated badly for being transmasc i am not stupid i know that happens #and i am fully committed to fighting the patriachy which has nothing whatsoever to do with my individual manhood or anyone else's #it's a system and yes gender and how we fit into the patriachy is made extremely complicated in trans circles and that's ok! #i promise it is you don't have to design a new system that cis women and trans women are using to do oppression on specifically trans mascs #we're all being fucked over by the patriachy and how the fuck does it help to be divided #but in reality let's face it i can say this all i want but the real reason i'm never going anywhere near being a transmisandry person #is because i was exposing myself to MRA-lite content at a formative age and harming myself in the process #even if i didn't know i was a trans man guess what it would have harmed me just as much if i did have that awareness #and honestly when i see transmisandry discourse all i see is that fucking triggering stuff again #all it does is nitpick whether patriachy is real with tiny examples it doesn't talk systemicly and it doesn't help men in the slightest #it pays lipservice to marginised men but it has no interest in talking about the fact that men are usually simultaenously #oppressed and oppressor at the same time- this is not accusatory it is just factual #it's true of the queer community too and basically every community #but we can't seem to talk about it without just harming each other and blaming and not seeing each other as human #the internet makes it all so much fucking worse this stuff can't exist without it #anyway i'm super rambling but these are genuinely very triggering topics for me i have unfollowed people i LOVE becuase of this #and i still love them! unfollowing on a social media isn't a referendum on that i just can't see that stuff and i need it gone from my dash

[sevenstevearmy]

I hate allistics so fucking bad*. Autistic people will literally go "I'm pretty sure this guy has autism and at the very least you are demonizing autistic traits while you talk about him so could you talk about what he actually did wrong instead of how creepy, weird, insane, and psycho you think he is" and allistics will go "not all NTs are autistic, I'm not autistic and also I don't have a degree, nor am I this person's therapist but I'm pretty sure he has narcissistic personality disorder, another thing I don't have" bc he's low empathy and lied. Like fuck off. Autistic people saying "hey you're demonizing traits we have and it's very hurtful, just bc something would make you personally uncomfortable doesn't mean it's a moral failing" and getting the response "well actually it is and also it can't be autism bc autism is quirky so instead I'm going to demonize your traits passively while actively demonizing a different group of people bc they also make me uncomfortable" is fucked up.

This is an "I make NTs and occasionally NDs uncomfortable bc I am off putting and popular media likes yo act like there's something inherently wrong with me bc of things I can't control" safe space. If you're a freak and a weirdo and off putting, I love you.

*And if you're allistic and this doesn't apply, then it's not about you, congratulations, you're a rarity.

#like i can go grab screenshots if y'all want this is specifically about the response to Matthew on l0ve is blind #i did sensor love so it doesn't come up in that search idk if people on tumblr are into it but i'd rather not reach them if they are #i watched a recap/reaction vid by kennie and honestly might have to stop watching her bc she can't seem to help herself #yes he fucked up and was an asshole but that has nothing to do with most of the stuff they're calling him weird for #fucking sick of it #and even if he's not autistic they're very much talking about traits that a large portion of autistic people have #i was literally sitting their going 'wait but i do that thing that you hate and are calling weird and psychopathic' #edit: i will actually not go get screenshots bc they're super fucking triggering. people fucking suck

[echthr0s]

I am disappointed about how this BG3 experiment turned out but I cannot be too disappointed because I also learned some things in the process, namely about what makes games "work" for me and the difference between appreciating something's artistic value and enjoying the experience of it. cut for length

I don't enjoy Larian games. which feels bad to say, because I think Larian games are beautiful and intricate and full of amazing worldbuilding. why would I not enjoy that? it's very simple -- they are mechanically dense in a way that I find very unrewarding. and that feels bad to say, because the way people tend to interpret "this doesn't work for me" is as "this is bad and shouldn't exist", and sometimes I internalise that. but I know damn well that's not what I'm saying. what I am saying is that what makes games enjoyable for me is different than what it is for the people who enjoy Larian games, which is a perfectly neutral concept

I had to compare how I feel when playing the games I love to how I felt when I was playing BG3. Can Calah pointed out that he has never heard so many frustrated noises per minute from me while playing a game that didn't end up in me immediately dropping the game, and that's a good point. at one point I was literally in tears. this is not because the game is difficult to me. it is, in a way, but it's not like Bloodborne where I literally couldn't get past the first mob of enemies, lol. that didn't make me feel bad, I knew I wasn't gonna get through that game, I just wanted to try it anyway and laugh at how bad I was at it. what BG3 is to me is taxing.

here's an example: I'm familiar with isometric RPGs and especially their movement set. but BG3 is like... some hybrid of isometric and straight 3D, and I constantly want to move the camera down behind my character and use WASD for movement, expecting the camera to circle around the environment in a 3D fashion when I move my mouse. and this is a minor peeve -- not even a peeve, more like a "the way this game looks to me and the way this game is meant to be played are at odds, apparently" -- but it sets a baseline level of minor irritation. like a lil IRL debuff. so then when I hit something else that is irritating (like gnarly turn-based combat scenarios or having to reload a bunch of times trying to get past one NPC without activating a gnarly turn-based combat scenario), I'm already irritated, so I have less mental resources to deal with this new thing. I did not immediately recognise this was happening, but it's definitely the main roadblock for me

last night I went to do some research to see if I could figure out ways to make my Act I experience a little less taxing. I love learning tips and tricks about games I play, or finding out how the game works behind the scenes, stuff like that. when I look up stuff about ESO or FFXIV or Mass Effect or whatever, I feel curious and excited to try out whatever new thing I learn. (this is why I don't read the ESO subreddit at night, because then I learn something and I immediately want to boot up the game and try it out and I can't bc I'm supposed to be going to sleep and I get mad LOL) but I didn't feel that way at all last night. I just felt... tired. the curiosity and excitement did not magically appear. because ultimately this is just not a game I can play. not right now, at least. and yes, this upsets me, because I wanted to play it. but enjoyment cannot be forced and it's not fair to myself to go "look at all these other people having a great time, why can't you be more like them?" (talk about a line straight out of the Bad Parenting Playbook lmaooo)

yes, I would have loved to find out what it's like to be half-illithid, I would have loved to fall in love with Wyll, I would have loved to learn more about Faerûn and the various cultures and wow, would I have loved to see the Underdark, finally! I won't be meeting that drider guy I kept seeing gifs of and that makes me sad! but "the journey is the important thing" is never more true than when it comes to video games -- if I do not enjoy the minute-to-minute gameplay, if the journey itself is not inspiring joy in me, then it won't matter if I somehow push myself long enough to get to those moments. because I will be so stressed and tired and annoyed by the time I get there that I won't even enjoy the victory. so then is it really worth it?

the insight I've gained about myself as a gamer from failing to become a BG3 player is, however, quite worth it, I think

#frankly this is a game i should be watching someone else play. in person i mean-- not a youtube video #or even doing couch co-op with. i would totally player-2 this game #like basically... i most enjoy games that are light on mechanics but heavy on story/worldbuilding. #this is why bioware games and obsidian games work so well for me #larian is heavy on both and unfortunately that doesn't work as well for me #i also felt singularly alone in this experience which didn't help. like where are the other people who also struggle with this??? #definitely the ''everyone else is having fun and looking at me like i'm fucking stupid bc i can't'' vibe #which i finally clocked as a ''undiagnosed nd kid who can't understand or explain why things aren't as easy for them'' trigger #ah well. live and learn as they say. #singularity.txt #baldur's gate

[bonebirds]

This got long but I'm fucking pissed. Content warnings for abuse mentions, trafficking mentions, discourse about discourse to prevent future discourse, "proshipper" nonsense, grooming, etc.

This is gonna be the one time I open my mouth about this because haha, hey, years of internalized fear and shame. I'm trying to lay down a boundary and that comes with so much anticipated backlash.

I do, for the record, have a background in Yelling about the crossroads of media/culture/literature/academia/games studies/trauma/capitalism. Which is a wide range and we can thank my comp exams in the PhD for that.

Since this is tumblr I also gotta just do the fuckin' disclaimer before anyone else feels like doing the "if you don't publicly condemn xyz then I'm gonna make your day worse" thing:

I don't participate in fandom and I don't ship things. I'm not about to defend specific instances or pairings because everything exists in subjective contexts, and texts especially so. But also, I have graduate degrees in English and text analysis and lived experience with CSA and trafficking that went on for a long fucking time. And I am very, very tired of being called the worst things you can call a trauma survivor because I don't care about shipping.

I'm not anti-ship, or whatever. I am not down for imposing my own trauma, feelings about it, and opinions on others in order to censor their art. Call me a proshipper if you want -- ignoring the part where I don't write fanfic or participate in fandom -- because I agree with them. I condemn CSA/CSEM, abusers, predators, the entire evil side of humanity but people who write fic aren't that. Neither are people who read it, even the most problematic of the problematic.

People can write, as fiction, as fantasy, whatever they want. There are no real people being harmed. I can distinguish between those things and, again, am a survivor of some very intense abuse. You're welcome to disagree. I'm fine with that if you're fine with me. I don't believe in absolutes when it comes to topics this complicated (and it is). I spent years on the opposite side, actually, because just the MENTION of things like incest or age gaps triggered me. And then I would do the same and get mad at the people writing it.

This is not healthy and it is not healing on either side of the argument.

But also in treating everything like such a monolithic moral purity test, where you're either good or deserve to suffer -- a test that I fail, because there is no room for things like Complexity -- you just spent a lot of time telling me I'm as bad as the people who trafficked me. Because of fiction. Because of fake things happening to fake people, based on an idea in someone else's head, people's real harm and real trauma means we're as bad as their abusers. That is so heavily the implication in so much of this talk. If I don't disregard my degrees, my training, my own experiences, my own principles and take a stand against people shipping things on the internet, I must basically be a predator!

That is violent and fucked up.

I don't want you around here, so block me and get it over with.

I (like a lot of people with trauma histories) use fiction and writing to process and heal. I don't even post them. A lot of that writing, and being able to seek it out, was helpful. It was a connection to someone else out in the world who maybe understood a little bit of the pain and fear and confusion.

There's a difference between fiction and real abuse. And the "but predators use it to groom vulnerable children" angle barely holds water -- predators use anything. Mainstream TV shows. Vending machine snacks. Gumballs. Access to a remote control to change a channel. A lot of things are more accessible and friendly to kids than making them read. Advocating for censorship, especially in today's political hellhouse, is not actually helpful. It just feels really righteous.

Which doesn't mean there aren't those trying to leverage fic to "normalize" abuse and grooming, I absolutely believe they have and do, but that does not justify externalizing your pain and trauma onto others, or policing them, or trying to take control back by claiming an imaginary moral high ground and pinning other people to it. It also doesn't mean that censoring the internet of all things icky to you saves the world, the kids, anything. It just means they'll find easier avenues, of which there are already so many. It also means you're all just attacking people from a place of presumed hurt rather than compassion, curiosity, anything like that.

So.

Anyone whose stance on this entire thing boils down to "you agree with me or you're a secret pedo enabler," you need to leave.

I'm happy to talk about it if you want! I don't think people trying to draw those lines are right but I think they're well-intentioned, until they start calling me shit that triggers entire mental collapses. You know. In the name of saving the children. Which hasn't been a red flag for conservatism and oppression for hundreds of years or anything, either. How many kids do you think are protected by shutting down places they can actually go and talk about the darkest shit in their heads? How many of us just suffer unbearable pain and isolation because the culture around us is shame-based and if you think about things like that, you're Just Like Them?

This ain't about protecting kids, basically. This discourse never has been. It's about being righteous and never examining why that is. It's about lashing out and displacement. I think the concern for victims is real, like I said, but that concern can translate to actual, real help elsewhere. People are DOING the work to make the internet safer. This? Is not that work.

You are responsible for how you manage your trauma and pain, and that has to include not taking it out on others. Full stop. Even when you disagree. Even when everything in your brain is going DANGER ALARMS DANGER ALARMS DANGER ALARMS WE MUST STOP THIS because someone ships something you think is wrong or uncomfortable. It sucks, and it sucks we have to do that, and it sucks we have to learn how. None of us asked to. None of us wanted to end up here. It's not victim blaming to say you're accountable for your own recovery.

But while you are here, maybe consider that the name/shame/blame model hasn't been working either. For hundreds of fucking years. We know shame doesn't motivate people to care, or learn.

But especially when you're weaponizing shame against trauma survivors for recognizing their own experiences in literature, art, stories. We all struggle with toxic shame. Using it against people until they agree with you?

Holy shit just look in the mirror one day, I guess. But block me first.

#sorry but i really am done being called this shit #by people who don't know me or my history and shouldn't feel entitled to knowing it so i can #the things saving people are being done in places other than twitter and tumblr #pass some bullshit binary test in their brain #by people who know what they're doing #not oh my god can't overstate this #not by attacking traumatized people because you think you got this equation figured out #thousands of years of philosophy and art but yes you found the answer #and it's conveniently so simple and straightforward! #sorry I'm obviously triggered and going #...none of these are new opinions for the record #talking just to change my mind is not gonna happen #like please just go i can't deal and i hope yall find less toxic and actually actionable ways to help people at risk #the look on my therapist's face when i had to be like children are cyberbullying me for liking fucked up fiction #because no one off the internet thinks like this

[musical-chick-13]

Tfw you're gonna need someone to Look Over Your Writing, but the writing topic is kinda fucked up and you don't want to traumatize whoever will theoretically be looking at this.

#I mean like. UGH. okay I don't know how to Explain™ my issue without ACTUALLY explaining this. but. idk it's not. like...'dead-dove' #levels of Fucked Up™. but it's still A Lot and covers something a BUNCH of people are gonna be wary of probably #(at least according to What I Have Witnessed) so. eh?? #like it's in this weird place where it's probably not a serious enough exploration of this topic to be 'acceptable' to a certain crowd #and I don't think it would be fair to label it full-on Darkfic™ but it's still MESSY #and don't get me wrong I'm going to finish and (eventually) post it anyway because it's my idea and I want to do that but. jfc it would #help to get another pair of eyes #but I can't exactly be like 'hey would you like to evaluate my story about [incredibly fraught and potentially triggering topic]?' #like I feel like. I shouldn't just. ask that. without preamble. #ALSO this is a much different kind of 'fucked-up' than people usually write for this pair (if they write fucked-up stuff at all) #(and like...again. in the grand scheme of things. this probably isn't really actually that fucked-up. it's just. A Lot.)

[seraphim-soulmate]

everything is simultaneously breaking in my shitty shitty house. excellent. i have water infiltration in my bedroom & mold in the walls, the water heater is making a terrible noise, the washing machine apparently just broke, the toilet seat got broken today and is now replaced with one where the seat doesn't hold in the upwards position so hopefully every guy in my house pees sitting down ! live laugh love get me out of heeeereeeeee

#personal #housing #looking for housing is SO anxiety inducing bcs theres so many options and all of them fucking suck in different ways #i could find the ideal colocation and get rejected #i could find a decent colocation. get accepted and it turns out they're all shitheads. #i could pay a fuckton of money to live alone but then im responsible for everything #aaaaaaahhhhh girl help !!!! #cant move to a cheaper city bcs I'll never see my friends and i need to access medical care #plus of course being disabled means I need to have accomodations VERY close by #the big grocery store near me is striking which like. good for them! i can't get food without paying a fuckton now though. #should i ask my dad for more money? can i maintain the price of an apartment when/if i receive disability ? #i dont want to live alone and go insane bcs of isolation #but i also dont want to live with people who are constantly triggering #and for any of these apartments I'll find I have to make the decision VERY quickly #bcs if i dont say YES the day i see it then it goes to someone else #i dont wanna keep going thru thiiiisssssss #hard to not be filled with regret of not taking my grandmas apartment bro. i wish i could rewind time.

[carbonateddelusion]

something that makes me want to commit murder: people snapping at me

#i hate it so much! <3 i can't wait to get away from this person oh my god. #i hate it i hate it i hate it it's such a big trigger and i don't think they even realize how much it makes me upset. #don't treat me like a child i can't STAND you i can't wait until i never have to deal with you again bc you're in europe. #and if they come to me for emotional support i'm just telling them 'sorry i don't have the mental capacity to help you rn :P' #also i can't get a moment of fucking peace and quiet because they're constantly talking to people over the phone i want Die #ohhhh great now they're upset because we can only bring two bags with either of us on the bus we're supposed to take. #i LOVE being around them. /s #again this could have all been avoided had they just *listened to me* but it's fine whatever they said they didn't #because i just came out of an abusive household myself so i'd be hypersensitive! and see things that weren't there! #i want to STRANGLE them oh my god

[hitoshisbf]

How would all you fucking self-shippers feel if I started tagging my shit in the Hitoshi tag.

Yeah, not good I bet.

So stop fucking tagging your OCxCanon is his tag. I'm sick of fucking seeing your shit OCs, thanks.

#I'm just so tired of going in his tag and being fucking triggered! #Learn to keep your shit out of canon tags! #Yeah I do block these blogs but the fact I have to see it for even a second sets me the fuck off and I WILL bitch. #Like this shit is so debilitating to my mental health and it's a lack of respect for other people with self inserts #Some of us don't just self-ship for fun and do it to save our fucking lives #Some people NEED their self-ship to help with trauma of all varying levels #It's so distressing I can't even go in his tag to see cute art without ya'll slamming your fucking shit OCs in there IDC if that's mean #cause now I'm sitting here having an anxiety attack over the fact I saw your selfship in his fucking tag #absolute bullshit that there's no respect for people in the self-shipping community even by other self-shippers

[mrfoox]

Me, barely clinging on mentally: no I am, OK haha, it's not so bad you know? Yeah I'm fine

#miranda talking shit #I'm doing bad i know I am but I'm terrified to admit it it's been a year of semi-wellness and it's like no #Please I don't... Want to leave man... I know I've already left bc I can't fucking do my basic human being stuff rn #But I'm still like... Haha maybe.... It'll pass.... #I'm failing work and I don't want to... I like my work colleagues and all so I feel so guilty I can't do it en #I'm sobbing about it like damn. Let's not talk about how I'm even failing basic chores like... My home is a mess #Mismanaginng everything basic rn even and it's like haha.... Help me.... Help.... #Or I want help but it's also scary bc that feels like a failure. I've failed #I can't even say exactly what have triggered it. No we are just Unwell I guess #Negative #I feel like it's my fault. I know I can't control my... Brain in that way and depression is an illness etc but like #I was... Good for the first time since ever and then just... Gradual crash like haha.... Hello? #I feel like I've fooled people into thinking I am someone better than I actually am

[inkskinned]

what is with men being mad any time a woman raises her voice where did that even come from. someone posted a video of a small electrical explosion, and the top comment was of course the woman screams. the second comment is women try not to scream challenge, level impossible. i had to go back and watch the video again. there is, somewhat fainty, a little gasp emitted off-camera, more of a yelp than a scream. it is mostly lost in the crack of the explosion. afterwards, you hear her voice, shaken, say, are you okay?

i am helping one of my friends train her voice pitch lower, because she wants to be taken seriously at work. she and i do each other's nails and talk about gender roles; and how - due to our appearance - neither of us have ever been able to be "hysterical" in public. we both appear young and sweet and feminine. she is cisgender, and cannot use her natural voice in her profession because people keep saying she appears to be "vapid". we both try to figure out if our purposeful voice lowering is technically sexist. is it promoting something when you are a victim to it?

a storm almost sends a pole through a car window. in the dashcam, you can hear the woman passenger say her partner's name twice, crying out in alarm. she sounds terrified. in the comments, she is lambasted for her lack of calm. how is that even fucking helping?

in high school, i taught myself to have a lower voice. i had been recorded when i was genuinely (and righteously) upset; and i hated how my voice sounded on the phone speakers when it was played back. i was defending my mom, and my voice cracked with emotion. it meant i was no longer winning the argument: i was just shrieking about it.

girls meet each other after a long summer and let out a little joyful scream. this usually stops around 12-14, because people will not tolerate this display of affection (as it has the effect of being passingly annoying). something about the fact that little girls can't ever even be annoying. we are trained to examine each part of our lives (even joy) for anything that could make us upsetting and disgusting. they act like teenage girls are breaking into houses and shrieking you awake at 3 in the morning. speaking as a public school educator: trust me, it's not that bad, you can just roll your eyes and move on. it does not compare to the ways boys end up being annoying: slurs in graffiti, purposefully mocking your body, following you after you said no. you know, just boy things.

there's another video of a man who is not allowed to yell in the house, so he snaps his fingers when he's excited about soccer. the comments are full of angry men, talking about how their brother is unfairly caged. let him express himself and this is terrible to do to someone. eventually the couple has to address it in a second video: they are married with a newborn baby. he was trying not to wake the infant up. there is no comment on the fact women are not allowed to yell indoors. or the fact that it could have been really alarming or triggering for his wife. sometimes i wonder if straight men even like women, if they even enjoy being in relationships with them.

for the longest time, i hated roller coasters because it always felt inappropriate and uncomfortable for me to scream. one of my friends called me on it, said it was unusual i'm so unwilling. i had to go to my therapist about it. i don't like to scream because i was not raised in a safe situation, and raising my voice would have brought unsafe attention towards me. even when i am supposed to scream, it feels shameful, guilty. i was not treated kindly, so i lack a basic form of self-protection. this is not a natural response. it is not good that in a situation of high adrenaline - i shut up about it.

something very bad is happening, i think. in between all the beauty standards and the stuff i've already discussed - this one feels new and cruel in a way i can't quite express. yes, it's scary and silencing. but there's something about how direct it is - that so many men agree with the sentiment that women should never yell, even in an emergency - it feels different.

is the word shriek gendered automatically? how about shrill or screech? in self defense class, one of the first things they tell you is to yell, as loud and as shrilly as you can. they say it will feel rude. most women will not do this. you need to practice overcoming the social pressure and just scream.

most women do not cry out, even when it's bad. we do not report it. we walk faster. we do not make a scene. what would be the point of doing anything else? no matter what we do, we don't get taken seriously. it is a joke to them. an instagram caption punchline. we have to present ourselves as silent, beautiful, captivating - "valuable."

a woman is outside watching her kids when someone throws a firecracker at them. she screams and runs towards her children. in the comments, grown men flock together in the thousands: god. women are so annoying.

#warm up #writeblr #this one has bothered me for a bit #any time a woman does something even passingly annoying we treat it like a fucking crime #hey man. women are allowed to be annoying. everyone forever is allowed to be passingly annoying #as long as they aren't hurting anyone/thing #like u wanna know something? i find it super annoying that men don't wear seatbelts #why arent there thousands of comments on driving videos thats just like : men try not to die in a car crash challenge #''this briefly annoyed me''. okay??????? AND????????????????? go get ur self a cookie and calm down about it #ur not entitled to control other ppl's experiences and emotions just so u can maintain ur own peace #if being briefly annoyed ruins ur whole day! you! need! therapy!!!! #men try not to become immediately angry about nothing challenge: level impossible #ps author is nonbinary. we didn't even get into the gender presentation thing #the fact men think it's SEXY that my voice is on the lower end....

[lastoneout]

Like I know we all love making ADHD seem cool but like, don't forget it's actually a disability? My ADHD is bad enough I've nearly been evicted for forgetting to mail the rent check to the property manager, I've forgotten to pay the utility bills and had my water or power get turned off or had to pay fines bcs I missed a credit card payment. Once I was supposed to cat sit for a friend and I lost the house key she gave me but didn't realize until she was already out of town, and she had to call the apartment office to get someone to give me the spare so her cats would have food for the week. When I'm unmedicated I can't even get myself to shower half the time, forget eating or cleaning. Before I started living with my fiance I'd just like, not eat for days because I didn't have anyone to remind me to eat or go buy me food. I've forgotten to turn the stove off so many times and ruined kettles and tbh been DAMN fucking lucky the house didn't burn down. I've done stupid, impulsive shit that's nearly gotten me KILLED. I can't remember to close the shower curtain reliably even through my fiance points out every single time I forget, and he's almost out of soap rn bcs for the last MONTH neither of us have been able to remember to order more once we get out of the shower.

I've had such bad memory my entire life that to this day someone suggesting I forgot something because I simply didn't care enough is a legitimate trigger that, in the worst cases, makes me have a breakdown.

I get that for some of you this is just something that makes studying hard or you forget to take a pee break when you're playing Minecraft or whatever, that's still a valid struggle and you do deserve help and understanding, but like, ADHD is a disability. It's disabling. It's not impossible to improve and learn coping skills, meds help a lot, there are great accommodations out there(LIKE CLEANING SERVICES), but not every case of ADHD is the same, and a lot of them are pretty ugly ngl, and just because you managed to do something doesn't mean someone else is gonna be able to manage it too, or that they're being lazy for struggling. And that obviously doesn't mean ADHD people have a free pass to never work on themselves and make everyone cater to their every need or whatever, but we do deserve some understanding when we explain that our disability is actually disabling in ways that aren't palatable to you. So like, idk, maybe don't immediately recoil in horror when you find out that someone with ADHD can't keep their house clean. And for fucks sake don't ridicule them for it.

#people when the disability is disabling *surprised pikachu face*

[anirudhpisharody]

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#i usually put this kind of stuff in the drafts so you don't need to read it. go ahead if you want i don't care just like. don't respond lol #but this is just for me to vent publicly so it feels like the thoughts went somewhere #my sister's best friend's mom just got put in hospice and they say she has about 3 more days #and i could hear my little sister bawling when my mom told her and it's breaking my heart #they're barely teenagers they're too young for this #and my mom's trying to write an email to the father and she can't fucking do it. i wanna help but she doesn't want any which i get #i can hear my sister either giggling or crying in her room right now i can't tell which but it sounds more like laughing. i hope it is #my mom and my sister are going to do to the hospice room to say goodbye to her i think tomorrow #and i really just want to be able to hang out with my sister bc i know it's gonna be really scary for her after but i have to work #if one person complains about their problems to me at work tomorrow i'm gonna get fucking fired for what i do next #that's probably not true but i'm gonna feel like it #i don't know this woman but i know my sister loves her and my mom is friends with the father so i mean i'm not really grieving but they are #and i wish i knew what to do #at least this was somewhat expected like she was in the later stages of her cancer but i don't think anyone was thinking it would happen no #i don't know if i should post this. i want to because i have so many posts like this in my drafts and it never makes me feel any better #but i don't like sharing ultra personal stuff like this especially about other people even if nobody knows who i am #i'll post it for now but i'll delete it later. i just need it to be out there a little bit so there's proof it exists #i think this is something i should be adding trigger tags for? #tw cancer #tw death #tw grief #shut up hanna