#like the night of the 7th i was in the hospital all night till she died at 7am the next day

[dramioneasks]

HP FESTS: Screamfest

Screamfest 2023:

in the name of redemption by palomab1anca - E, one-shot - “I’m saving lives! That was a person. An innocent person and we can save them. This is what the Phoenix Serum is for!" “You are playing god!” “If it’s between that and being a monster, then so be it.” - Years after the war, Draco turned to healing as a way to redeem his family's name. An experiment gone wrong could jeopardize it all.

Forgive Me, Father by Wanderingxfae - not rated, WIP - For Screamfest, we have a porn with plot. Prompt was abandoned church, we went with a corruption kink. PLEASE NOTE: this involves essentially, blasphemy. you read this after reading the tags. thanks.

The Fall of The House of Malfoy by Edna_whatoopshelp - E, 3 chapters - no summary

To Purge and Protect by RandomVirgoWrites - E, 6 chapters - 7th Year AU where Hermione goes back to Hogwarts instead of hunting for Horcruxes with Harry and Ron. As Voldemort now controls the Ministry, he allows muggle-born students to return to Hogwarts if they were previously enrolled. Why? For sport. The Purge is enacted on All Hallows' Eve, permitting all manner of crime from midnight till sunrise (with a special focus on Mudbloods). Will Hermione survive the night?

Dead is Better by vannminner - E, 7 chapters - Draco told himself to stand. To reach for her. To say something, anything. Instead he watched her disappear into the room with the large bay window.

day 666 by riddikulus_puff - M, one-shot - On what had been declared as Day 567, Draco Malfoy had abandoned St Mungo’s hospital, leaving behind the numerous amounts of infected and Death Eaters, who were storming the building, and Nurse Hermione Granger, who had made him aware that they were soulmates. He had the mark on his back to prove the connection between the two of them. She had been abandoned. He disappeared from sight. Nowhere to be found. And Hermione was pushing her luck to try and find him for one final goodbye

Hogwarts Psycho by hermionejean99 - T, one-shot - There was an idea of Hermione Granger, a kind of bemusing intellection. But there was no Hermione Granger. Only a being, something sinister. Though you could pass her in the library and feel her hair brush over your arm, and maybe think she was like you, just another student working to get good grades, you’d be wrong. Something was entirely off about Hermione Granger.

The Hunt by caruciatus - not rated, one-shot - Hermione races through the forest, pursued by something far more sinister than Death Eaters.

As Above, So Below by megiswritingsomething - E, 5 chapters - “If you wanted to play hide and seek, little witch, all you had to do was ask...” If he was the devil, then his voice was the apple, beckoning her to take a bite. He was so close; the subtle smell of firewhiskey and parchment curled around her nostrils like a vise. “No…” his breath left gooseflesh in its wake, “I think the Golden Girl has outgrown childish games, haven’t you?”.

Bond by spicyxpisces - E, one-shot - When her best friend convinces Hermione that a simple ritual will help her heats, she agrees eagerly. Because Draco Malfoy would never trick her.

Cinnamon by tamsynsw - E, one-shot - Hermione realises just how much she likes blood.

Chainsaws and Curses by ereneefics - E, one-shot - Questionable donations and brown-nosing don't go unnoticed. You can escape Azkaban, but actions have consequences and they will catch up to you.

The Sanguine Cure by sin_and_tonic - T, one-shot - Sanguine adjective 1.optimistic or positive, especially in an apparently bad or difficult situation. 2.blood-red. Astoria Malfoy has been prescribed the country air and plenty of rest to recover from her blood curse, so like any dutiful wife she doesn't complain and she finds herself swept away to Malfoy Manor. Under the care of her husband Draco and Healer Granger she is sure to recover quickly isn't she? However the manor isn't what it seems. Inside the green room Astoria starts to unravel the mysteries of the pattern in the wall-paper and the women that live inside it. Inspired by The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman

The Silver Serpent by DarkCloud190 - E, 3 chapters - *If you were uncomfortable watching a movie like Sinister – this fic is probably not for you. Some of the deaths depicted in those films ring true through this story – so just keep that in mind. This is meant to be a horror fic with a bit of humor, smut and characterization thrown in *READ ALL TAGS before proceeding! “The Weasel was always weak and spineless. Wherever he is he won’t be alone, I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to hide behind his mother’s skirts,” Draco snorted. A deep voice reverberated out of the floo. This is not a test, this is your warning. Announcing the commencement of the annual purge sanctioned by the Ministry of Magic. Ministry officials of ranking 10 have been granted immunity and shall not be harmed. Commencing at the siren, any and all crime (including unforgivables) will be legal for 12 continuous hours. Auror, and Healer services will be unavailable until tomorrow morning at 7:00 a.m. When the purge concludes. May Merlin be with you all. A loud ear curdling siren blared out of the floo indicating the start of the first annual purge. “Showtime,” Theo chuckled, tossing his wand in the air before snatching it again.

#screamfest #fests/exchanges/challenges #dramione

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi i just need to put this into words and possibly get an outside perspective that isnt from my friends and such

I dont know if i can call what i went through as a teen neglect.

This is pretty long sorry, just skip to the end if necessary

TW: Alcoholism, Neglect? Sorry if i missed anything

To explain fully, i was taken out of school in 7th grade due to mental health issues and one very abusive and ableist teacher. That left me alone at home for 80% of the week, which was fine i had plenty of food and such to eat and i preferred being alone to recover from everything. I never went back even once i was "recovered"

But then when i was about 16, my mother's mental took a nosedive. She started having hospital level panic attacks. It wasnt that bad at first, cuz despite everything i still atleast had food and such for when she had to spent a day or maybe two at the hospital, which was rare. I could survive on my own with the limited help i got.

It sucked, my quality of life went from "meh could be better" to "okay uh we're surviving in decent comfort atleast?" In the span of a few months. But it wasnt the worse

Then the new year rolled over and it became worse. My mother took up drinking to cope and that spiralled fast

To the point her hospital visits became weekly almost daily, my life went from "okay i can life like this but i rather not" to "haha, im gonna end up in the hospital too-" in less then a month

I basically lived with my grandmother for a month and, she barely had any food there because they always went out to eat, food wasnt allow upstairs unless you were sick, beds felt worse then wood floors, and she didnt respect my issues

I was pushed aside, i didnt eat more then a mini bag of chips most nights because the only things to eat where expired, take out from places i didnt like, or things i literally cant eat either cuz textures or allergies.

When everything went back to almost normal, there was barely any food at home, i slept in my mother's closet because my old stalker tried breaking into my room while we were gone (also bugs overtook my room because the window was jammed for the rest of the time before we came home because of that) and my mother didnt want us to share her huge bed because i apparently violently slapped and kicked her awake till 3am when we tried (i didnt go to bed till 5am the one week when we tried, and she always woke up at 6am for her meds and such especially during this also we both slept on the very edges)

My mother would sleep all day, only waking up to take her meds and eat and stuff.

Dinner went from a "happens most of the week" thing to "you'll be luckly if you found a warm thing to make and eat"

Basically, i kinda starved often till things calmed down later in the year. I think a broke college student ate and slept better then me that year.

When i was 18 it happened again but i had a job so it wasnt as bad.

I dont blame her for like 40% of that hell, her and my father where going through the 5th messiest divorce of our closeish family has witnessed (tho it was actually kinda tame compared to the top 4 so idk the actual severity), and her mental health was already on decline for reasons that are not mine to tell

But like can i call what happened neglect?? It sounds like it but idk i actually can call it that.

Like yeah i starved most of my time as a 17 year old, slept in a cramped closet during said time, developed back issues cuz of that, was barely able to care for myself due to depression, was subjected to to smell of weed and the smoke from it often despite the fact it makes me extremely sick, was very suicidal, was told i was a burden and was making the situation worse cuz im autistic and was basically the new family afterthought

But like, does it really qualify as neglect and can i call it that if it is? Most adults i talked to at the time, even my old therapist said no because i was "17 and should already know how to care for myself on my own. And shouldnt take the words said in a probably drunken state to heart" but like there no way i could care for myself?? Atleast not without taking less then ideal options. Also that doesnt excuse the extremely hateful things yelled at me???

So im really conflicted here, was it neglect or am i just being overdramatic??? Every therapist ive been able to go to says im just being dramatic but my friends says im not so ????

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. You can most certainly call these experiences neglect if that is a term you would like to use.

Neglect by definition is to fail to care for properly, and by legal definition it's "the failure of a parent or other person with responsibility, for the child to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision to." Not only were you not provided sufficient food, but it seems likely that your emotional needs may not have been taken care of either, with an unavailable mother and a disrespectful grandmother. It also sounds like you were not given adequate shelter and medical care, considering where you slept, the bug infestation, and how that affected your development. So yes, in many ways, your experience aligns with neglect.

I think it's important to remember that it's common for trauma survivors to feel like they're being dramatic when they validate the severity of their trauma, and that it makes sense to be in some level of disbelief that it's worse than you initially thought. Please know that you are valid as a trauma survivor, and remember to be patient and gentile with yourself as you explore what this means for you.

Ultimately, it may be helpful to work with a mental health professional such as a therapist, if you can access or afford it. A therapist, especially one who specialized in trauma, can mediate your healing journey and help you find ways to make sense of, process, and cope with your experiences.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw neglect #trauma details #tw substance abuse

[yurifem]

😢 i miss my mom 😢

#sp.txt #bleh #hate that may is coming up #so much shit is happening #like the night of the 7th i was in the hospital all night till she died at 7am the next day #and then her viewing & funeral was right in between mother’s day #sad times #and then her fuckn birthday is in the same month!

[venusprincess-ts3]

I have to write this down for myself, feel free to skip reading it. And if you read it, feel free to ask anything about it.

- alert for covid and medic topic-

First of all, yes I got the fucker, but I’m ok 🙂

Around December 20th I started to get a stuffy nose, which is normal for me, cause I have several sinusitis crises all over the year. I've had sinus crises all my life that I don't even consider it being sick anymore 😅 unless it's really bad for weeks, and leaves me exhausted.

So I started the normal procedures (saline cleanses and steam with water and salt). Since it got worst, I moved to medication (actifed pills and nasal sprays). After a course of medication it still wasn't better, which is also normal 😅 When the sinus crises is that bad, I usually need two rounds of medication for it to get better. Basically I take medication one week, stop for another week and take medication again. By this second time, it gets better. This second round started in December 31st.

On the 3rd of January, it was still the same and I started to get cough, which is sorta normal but I haven't had in years. But about 7 years ago, whenever I got a bad sinus crises, it would drip to the throat (and get tonsillitis), and then into the lungs (giving cough and inflated lungs). I haven't had this in 7 years, but still not abnormal for me, if the sinus has a really bad infection. Specially cause I have asthma and the lungs are more sensitive to infections.

Anyways, on the night of 5th January, my sister had to get a covid test to go back to work. The next morning she got the test result has positive. So I immediately say "it's not just a sinus infection! I have covid!". So on the same day, me, my mom and my brother went to get covid tested. And the results were... negative.

At this point, my sister was in denial that she had covid, cause she had zero symptoms (she still stayed home immediately and did all the medical safety) and I was in denial that I didn't had covid cause I had a bunch of symptoms 😆 On the 6th, she also received a message with a medical form, to fill up the symptoms and who she was in contact with. That day we all received a mandatory quarantine for 7 days or more depending on the doctor that would contact us.

On the 7th January morning, I woke up like a truck had run me over. I slept like shit, I had back pain at night (on the lungs area), forehead aches and every position was uncomfortable the whole night. I had a harder time filling up the lungs with air, it's what I used to have when the lungs got inflated due to sinus infection. So I started using the asthma inhaler, that I only need for emergencies. By dusk I felt worst and felt really tired from the lungs just by getting up (I always get worst at night cause of the air humidity) so I called the 24/7 medical number to ask for advice and they directed me to the hospital to get a covid test and a lung x-ray. I went, and the lungs x-ray was ok (well, it showed that I couldn't breath well, but it didn't had pneumonia or other covid worst shit). I also want to state for those who don't have asthma, that I could breath, it wasn't an asthma attack where we can't breath at all. It was just not fully filling the lungs with air, its like shallow breathing. If i tried to take deep breaths, i could feel that the lungs weren't expanding as much as they should, and started to cough. But I was still getting enough oxygen. It wasn't lack of breathing, it was shortness of breath. So they said the x-ray was good and doubled the asthma medication. Oh, and the test was positive, which I was already expecting. If my sister has it, it was only a matter of time till we all tested positive, cause we all leave together, eat dinner together, and even watched a movie together a couple of days before she tested positive.

I take vitamin D3 600 in the winter, and when my test was positive, I doubled the dosage and also started taking double doses of vitamin B with C. I did double dosages of B and C for 3 days and 5 days for D. And then went back to normal dosage. I didn't want to give this fucker any chance 😆 I also ate an orange a day and breathed steam with eucalyptus leaves and salt.

On the 8th, my brother, dad and mom started to get cough too. So they did the test on the 10th and it was also positive. So in my case I only tested positive 4 days after getting symptoms 🤔 my symptoms were stuffy nose, cough, shortness of breath, muscle pain (back and legs) and bone pain (spine, knuckles and knees). It's like covid boosted some of the problems I already have. I also must say that in my case, the pain was bearable (I had felt worst). I didn’t had to stay in bed or anything, I did everything normal around the house for the quarantine time. For me, the worst part was getting tired lungs and not sleeping well at night. And the worst night/day was just the 7th. My sister never had symptoms at all (she rarely gets sick). My mom had cough, muscle and bones pain (she has osteoporosis and some muscle issues). My dad had stuffy nose, cough and lost of smell and taste (he rarely gets sick too, but he's above 60 years old). He kept making fun of me, saying he could now eat my soy burgers and fake beef (seitan) cause he can’t taste it 🙄 😆 My brother got stuffy nose, cough, throat and ears pain, and lost of smell and taste (he gets stuffy nose sometimes but nothing bad, but when he was a kid he used to get sore throat and ear infections a lot). No one had fever, and only my brother had to take anti-inflamatories for 2 days.

I got medical release on the 13th, that allowed me to leave the house on 14th and go back to normal activity.

My nose is good by now, the pain and sleeping too, well the general pain is. I still have a pain in my inner tight, like a pulled muscle, i don't know if it was for not exercising for 2 weeks and maybe slept wrong or something🤷‍♀️  It hurts when I walk and put weight on it, so I'm going to ice it and take care and hopefully is gets better with time and I can go back to normal. It has been getting better. My lungs are better too, but the doctor told be to keep using the inhaler and take anti-histaminic for 2 weeks. The rest of the family is fine by now. My dad and brother recovered the taste and smell sense 3 days after.

On 2021 I started doing daily walks for 1 hour and even started slow jogging in December. I also did breathing exercises and all that helped expanding my lungs capacity. So I'm very happy for past me, who decided to start doing that 😁

I'm also fully vaccinated, two doses of Biotech Moderna. And I'm sure that if I didn't had the vaccine, the virus would have hit harder. Because I know my body and my immunity system, I get sick a lot since I was born. On family gatherings (before covid of course), I was the only adult who got viruses from toddlers 🙄 a cousin had a stomach flu, I would catch it. A cousin had a stuffy nose, I would catch it 😑 so I'm happy that I didn't got it worst with this covid shit. We were very lucky. Fingers crossed for not getting long covid issues.

We also have no idea where we got the virus from. On new years eve, my sister went to a friend's house, it was her and two others. They got tested before going and wore masks. Her friends got tested after my sister got positive and they didn't had it. We all contacted the people we were closer with, so they could get tested, and they were all negative 🤷‍♀️ We always wear masks outside, disinfect hands and even groceries, and we stay away as much as possible. Perhaps, it's inevitable to get it at some point, unless we become hermits in the mountains 😆 but we managed to avoid it for almost two years, so that’s not bad, considering that the first variants were worst, and the medical staff was overwhelmed, and the vaccines were still rare.

Don't become an hermit, but please wear masks, disinfect and maintain the distance. If you can, take the vaccine and do lung exercises 🙂 Even though I got it, I will still take all precautions.

#please do not reblog #covid #personal #text

[buttercupbuckk]

MARAUDERS:

At Hogwarts.

JAMES POTTER:

Since first year, James always took the bed nearest to the window because it reminded him of flying - plus he always hated sleeping by the door.

When he got into Gryffindor, his mum sent him a basket of chocolate frogs and bottles of pumpkin juice - with a howler that screamed: 'Congratulations, Baby Boy! Mummy is so proud!', during the middle of breakfast the next day.

He would always do his homework as soon as he got it - so he didn't have to worry whilst having fun

Couldn't find a snitch to save his life

Adored Professor Sprout and McGonagall - simply because they reminded him of his mum

Despite pestering Lily for 7 years, he didn't actually develop proper feelings until 4th year.

He came up with their nicknames since Sirius was hell bend on calling him 'Bambi'.

He aways hexed people that picked on Peter and Remus - no matter how old or young.

Fantastic at Transfiguration, one of Minerva's best students to grace the halls of Hogwarts

Played mini games of Quidditch with the boys all of the time - and he was quite surprised to find that Moony was a decent Seeker.

When Remus told him he was Bi, he took it too literally and waved 'goodbye'. He then realised what he meant and hugged him

Mother-henning since 1st year.

Whenever he and Sirius fall out, he threatens to cut his hair off in his sleep.

He washes all of their sheets once a week - but takes extra care with Moony's because he knows the smells can overpower him.

Punched Snape in the nose for calling Sirius and Remus, 'privileged'.

His mum is a better Chaser than he is and that makes him jealous.

SIRIUS BLACK:

Sleeps with his hair in pigtails from 5th to 7th year

Hates it when James makes puns - constantly threatens to throw him off the roof of the tower

Sirius would sleep walk constantly - the boys would find him the next morning in some weird places. 'Uh, is that Sirius asleep on the banister?', 'Why yes, i do believe it is Peter.'

He would always sneak into the kitchens to see how the house elves were - and always offered to share his midnight meals with them

When he gets sick, he always pushes himself to the limit. He would show up to class and then promptly pass out in the hallway getting to the next one.

He cannot sleep without at least 2 pillows and a blanket over his duvet. All of these things end up on the floor by morning

He once charmed James' uniform to change to Slytherin colours, no reason why - he just felt like it.

When they were trying to become animagi - he was the last to transform, and the form he took was much more fluffy puppy than grimm.

After full moons, he would always lie on Remus bed in the Hospital Wing as Padfoot - Madam Pomfrey had her questions, but she saw how calm it made Remus so she didn't bother him.

When they graduated, he forced all 4 to jump into the lake, fully clothed in their uniform.

In his first Quidditch match, he hit himself in the face with the beater's bat.

Wore nothing but neon socks to bed in 5th year, it was a spontaneous decision apparently.

REMUS LUPIN:

He sleeps with two jumpers on every night - no matter the weather.

On his first full moon at Hogwarts, he refused to talk to the boys for 2 weeks because he didn't want them to worry.

When they all found out in 3rd year - he cried when they told him that they still cared about him, and of course they were still friends.

He is the mastermind behind all of the pranks, he is the one who suggests the most extreme.

He is also the reason why the group had to clean the Prefects Bathroom for a week.

He has horrible hay-fever, and he hates summer because of it

He makes pillow forts in the dorm whenever someone is sad, and he shares his chocolate supply with them

Pesters the others to do their homework, but ends up doing his 5 minutes before the class. His ability to do this outstands James

Accidentally called McGonagall 'Mum' in 4th year - he turned so red he could've been confused for a metamorphmagus

When Sirius was disowned and moved in with the Potter's, they all decided to spend that Christmas at James' house to lift his spirits

Whenever he bumps into furniture, he apologises for it.

At the end of 4th year, he was much shorter than James and Sirius, he stood at 5 foot 5. When he came back in 5th year, he was 6 foot 1 and towering over the boys.

He met the boys on the train when he fell asleep and woke up to Sirius balancing quills on his face.

He goes to every Gryffindor Quidditch match without fail - and after they won their last one in 7th year, he pulled Sirius into a kiss when he flew by the stands.

PETER PETTIGREW:

Most days, especially after a hard day in classes, he'd fall asleep infront of the fire in the common room

In 5th year, he stayed up all night on the 30th October waiting for Halloween so he could eat all the sweets he wanted but he passed out at 7 am on the 31st and didn't wake up till 6pm.

He always wanted a cat - but his mum was allergic and he didn't want to risk it

He got food poisoning from James' cooking in 7th year - safe to say he hasn't been near any of it since

He was the one who started the whole nickname fiasco when he told Remus he was 'looking a bit moony.'

He recommended that they make a map

He fell into the lake in first year and still refuses to go swimming to this day

He tried growing his hair out in 6th year, but he looked liked one of The Beatles

He didn't know what a 'period' was until he was 16 - when Lily had to explain it to him because the other 3 couldn't stop laughing when they tried to explain

Peter was the one to first call Snape, 'Snivellius' because he accidentally said 'Snivelling Snape' when he was handing out test results.

After the sorting, he looked up at McGonagall and said 'Why am i here? I'm just a whimp?' the woman frowned slightly before looking at the other 3, and said 'because you might be the smartest Gryffindor I've ever come across. Maybe not in lessons, but definitely in taking care of your friends.'

Every summer, without fail, he volunteered at a Rehabilitation Centre for Homeless Werewolves and when Remus found out, he hugged the boy so tight he turned into Wormtail

Peter was the first to produce a Patronus, and the first to turn into his animago form.

#harry potter #Marauders #marauders headcanon #james potter #sirius black #Remus lupin #Peter pettigrew #james potter headcanon #sirius black headcanon #remus lupin headcanon #peter pettigrew headcanon #wolfstar #wolfstar headcanon #Jily

[theshy1sout]

Inseparable - Chapter 1

7th February! What a lovely day to start brand-new trolls Au!

As I promiced, this is part 3 of 300-special This one is again for @starlight-jamy who asked for broppy oneshot. I’m sorry, it’s not a oneshot. It’s the whole frickin fanfiction. It’s also kinda my gitf for you, my followers, cause today is my birthday! I Always wanted to give people things at my birthday, just like hobbits.

Today I post first two chapters. And then I will post a chaper every Sunday. (today is Sunday, right?). Short chapters. Usually 2k words, sometimes more.

Ship: Broppy

Rated: Nope.

Au: Trolls Mythology Au

Type: Slow Burn Fluff :3

Ao3 

Summary:  - There's the guardian of the Night, but no one takes care of the Day - Peppy, the God of Friendship and Harmony, King of the Gods, looks around the big hall to get everyone's attention. Gods listen to him as always, carefully and with huge respect they have to their master. He catches even Branch's attention this time. - I summoned you to discuss this very important topic. - King Peppy raises his hand and turns to the beautiful pink lady in the bright blue dress. - My daughter becomes a full goddess today. And it would be an honor if you all agree that she is a good person to take care of the Day, which means holding the Staff and looking after the whole living world under its Light.

________________________________________________________________

Far, far ago, when the gods walked through the Earth and love didn't exist yet, trolls were like other creatures in the world. They didn't have the awareness, free will, or feelings deeper than the animals have. The only difference between them and critters was some kind of civilization. They worked, played, and bred during the day and rested during the night. They built villages and formed families and communities. But all the things they made were the result of the intervention of gods [divine intervention], who wanted the best for their creatures. Immortals taught trolls all about working, having fun, building villages, and playing music, but trolls couldn't create things on their own. And no one saw anything wrong with that, because nobody knew it could be different.

Day passed by day and nothing has changed. Whenever it's time to rest, Branch, the god of the Night, walks on the highest hill and grabs the Staff Of The Light, making the gold shining Sphere on it glow much less bright than during the Day. In Branch's hand, a magic source of light that trolls call "the sun" beams slightly bright blue. The whole world meets the darkness and the silence; every creature on the Earth can do nothing but sleep and rest. When the day is supposed to be started, the God of the Night walks on the highest hill again to dig the Staff Of The Light on the top, and freeing it from his cold hands puts brightness on the whole world.

- There's the guardian of the Night, but no one takes care of the Day - Peppy, the God of Friendship and Harmony, King of the Gods, looks around the big hall to get everyone's attention. Gods listen to him as always, carefully and with huge respect they have to their master. He catches even Branch's attention this time. - I summoned you to discuss this very important topic. - King Peppy raises his hand and turns to the beautiful pink lady in the bright blue dress. - My daughter becomes a full goddess today. And it would be an honor if you all agree that she is a good person to take care of the Day, which means holding the Staff and looking after the whole living world under its Light.

Everyone's eyes lay on the young pink-haired woman, who stepped shyly onto the middle of the Hall of Parley. She takes a deep breath and smiles, mostly to reassure herself. But when she notices friendly smiles appearing on more and more gods' faces, she feels kind of proud and excited.

-My King, I think there's nothing to discuss - Holly, goddess of Hospitality, points out. - If there's someone who fits perfectly for this job, it is Poppy for sure!

- Hell yea! - Barb, Queen of the Underworld, yells. She always finds a reason to yell.

- I'm not that sure - Delta Dawn, the goddess of Justice, adds. - Isn't that too much for someone that young?

- Poppy, tell us - Quincy, the god of Wisdom, turns to the pink little lady in the center. - How would you feel about that responsibility? Isn't that too overwhelming for you?

- It is, I guess... - Poppy starts, looking down. - But I have been watching trolls and other creatures since I was a child and... I really attach to them. I enjoy making them happy more than anything else in the world and if you give me your trust, then I'll do everything to protect them and give them all I can.

She ends with full confidence and when she looks up again, she sees all the gods smiling at her, nodding. Cooper, the god of Fun, starts applauding with joy and everyone slowly stands up and joins in. Besides one person... But Poppy quickly forgets that, cause the low tone of her dad's voice catches her attention.

- So that's it! - King announces, also standing up. - I have my honor to introduce our new Immortal: Poppy, the goddess of the Day and the Light!

Gods and goddesses start yelling and cheering. Poppy doesn't even notice when she ends up surrounded by them. They all grin and laugh, wishing her the best and congratulating her over and over. She's never got so much attention, it's even a bit overwhelming. But in this crowd of Immortals, one wish sounds a bit different than the other.

- I appreciate you. Good Teamwork!

Poppy turns to the dull face of Barb. Queen of the Underworld doesn't look like she's joking.

- Teamwork! - Pink girl tries to play amused. - With whom?

- Don't ya know! - Barb laughs at her and throws her hand at the corner of the hall. - Him.

Poppy lifts her head to look above her arm. Far from talks and laughs, there's the guy with a grey hoodie on his head, all covered by a long, dark capote. His face isn't visible, but for some reason, Poppy is sure that he isn't looking at any particular thing. He is just here, sitting very still on his god's seat. As if his presence here was enough to call him a part of the event.

- Branch. The god of The Night - Barb accents the word 'god'. - The guardian of the Darkness and the Silence. And the most important for ya: the one holding The Staff of the Light. - Goddess shows her teeth in a kinda creepy way. - Just like you.

- He's um... - Poppy now has so many questions, that she doesn't know from which she should start.

- You'll get to know him - The pink-haired girl feels a hard hit on her back. - Don't worry, I'm just playing with ya! It's just holding some dum' stick! You give it to him in the evening and then he gives it to you back in the morning. Easy!

- But why is he...

- Nobody knows, he's just different! - Poppy is interrupted once again by the energetic Underworld's Queen. - To be honest, I don't even know how he looks like.

- He's never shown his face?!

- No... I just don't remember. But that's enough about this grump, let's talk about a much funnier thing on the Earth! Or should I say: Under the Earth!

Poppy already feels a bit overwhelmed by the goddess energy. All she really wants right now is to talk with her father and start her job. But she thinks, if she was waiting for it whole years, then she can hold a few minutes more. Right?

- What do you mean? - She asks, not even hiding her tiring.

- Girl, you'll see, nights will be so boring for ya there - Barb starts a bit less loudly and less throwing-her-arms-and-legs-everywhere-ly. - Underworld is always welcoming ya. There's a wild, loud party nonstop!

- What's a party?

- You'll see - Barb smirks at her and finally starts moving away from her. - The total opposite of boredom.

- Ok, thanks - Poppy waves at her, trying to smile as wide as she can. - See ya later! ...I guess...

After way too many wishes, pieces of advice, and cheers, after another long talk with her father, after a million little things she has to go through, Poppy finally steps on the hill and faces the Staff of the Light. Don't get her wrong, normally she really enjoys hanging out with others. Well, she was mostly spending time with King Peppy or trolls on the Earth until now. She feels like she should have taken this opportunity of talking with every single Immortal much more than she did. But she was looking for this little moment almost her entire life. She couldn't think about anything but standing here, on the hill, in front of the Staff of the Light and grabbing all of her dreams, the role of her life, her vocation, her...

- You're gonna grab it or not?

Poppy blinks, surprised. She looks around just to notice a silhouette darker than the Darkness itself. She needs a minute to realize who is he. The god of the Night. Of course, he's here. It's his job to be here. It is still the Night after all. But she is a bit upset at him for destroying the magic of the moment.

So once again Poppy glances at the Staff of the Light, takes a really big breath and... She grabs it! And with her very first touch, the sphere on the top explodes with gold light and the whole world is being filled with so many beautiful colors and Poppy has never been happier in her entire life. Even a dry "So see ya later I guess" by Branch can't destroy it. Ah! She is so happy! She runs down the hill with the Staff glowing in her hand, laughing so loud and so long, till her cheeks start to ache and she loses her voice, but even then she is so happy. So happy.

After one day, and then another, and then one more, and then the whole week of enjoying this exhaustingly happy moment in her life, it comes the time to grab the Staff seriously. Poppy knows exactly what she wants and how the perfect Day should look like. She has planned it for years! So the first thing she changes is the start and the end of the Day. She adds so many colors to the sky: pinks, oranges, reds, and yellows. She asks Suki, the goddess of the Music, to make melodies for birds to let them greet every Day's beginnings and ending. With Milton, the god of the Critters, she teaches birds to sing them. She designs with Satin and Chenille, the twin goddesses of Beauty, new kinds of flowers. Every Day she runs through the whole Earth creating new things, changing the old ones, adding colors and light everywhere it is possible.

Until one Day she finishes all of her ideas and she can finally make the last point of her plan: enjoying the brand-new happy world she created.

But after a week of just guarding the Day and taking care of the Light Poppy feels there's something wrong. She has missed something. She is lost in her thoughts, trying to find the missed thing, when she walks on the hill, like every evening. She hears peaceful "Good evening" and feels it when somebody's hand takes the Staff of the Light off her. Poppy blinks like she's just woken up, but before she can answer, Branch throws "Good Night" and walks away.

''Oh. So that is the thing." Poppy thinks, ashamed.

It's been half of the year since her pink hands grabbed the Staff for the first time. The goddess was too busy with her big plans to even notice the Night. After giving back the Staff, barely even noticing Branch, she just falls asleep. She always finds sleeping the most boring thing ever, cause it's just laying down and closing your eyes to open them a few hours later. But although Immortals don't need to sleep, after a whole day of running and creating she was just exhausted.

And now Poppy realizes that the god of the Night was greeting her every morning and every evening and she has never answered him. It isn't even rude or mean, it is a complete disaster! Poppy as a daughter of King Peppy, the god of Friendship and Harmony, should be the one making friendships and building harmony, not ignoring people!

She has to fix that now.

__________________________________________

Special thanks for @livinginithilien-blog for editing the chapter in the middle of the night XD

Chapter 2

#inseparable #my fanfiction #broppy fanfic #fluff #trolls mithology au #branch trolls #poppy trolls #peppy troll #barb trolls #mythology au #broppy #fanfic #trolls fanfic #trolls fanfiction #my au #trolls au #dreamworks trolls #theshy1sout

[doof-doofblog]

"What Is It? Patrick? Patrick?!"

Thursday 7th January 2021

Good evening everyone! Hope you've all had a good day! I'm thrilled to be back posting another blog tonight! I feel so happy to finally be up to date and catch up to the same point as the rest of you! Just want to take this moment again to thank you all for your on-going support. If there's anyway I can improve my blog, please feel free to send me any suggestions!

Now tonight's episode, oh my goodness - quite a few shock factors I have to say! Firstly I'm going to start with Sonia. Clearly she is still behaving out of sorts, lashing out at people for no reason, and yet still we can see clinging on to a little piece of jewellery. I am still convinced that this necklace or chain has some significance, I'm unsure what, but I feel if we see her continuing to handle it, more will be revealed. During the scene where she's at hospital with Ash, she mentions that she can't recall the last time she had a break or even a decent rest. This makes me think that with Sonia being a nurse, I think the thing that's getting to her so much, must be her job. It's true that the NHS have been working around the clock, day and night, 24/7 to fight this virus. What if EastEnders have decided to show us how it must be for some of the people working for the NHS and how much pressure they've been under to fight the virus and how it's has affected them? Physically? Emotionally? Mentally? I feel that this could be Sonia's big story, being a nurse and fighting off Covid-19. It would make sense really, what do you guys think?! Could Sonia be in such a big bubble that she feels no one understands the pressure she's under, how many people she's seen die due to the pandemic? It could very distressing but a very vital and important to show!

Secondly, I want to mention Sharon. She is still putting on a huge front to everyone on the Square, more importantly to Kathy, that she's actually in love with Ian and their marriage is for real. I do feel for Sharon but I do also feel that she's going way in above her head. There are many ways in which she could get revenge on Ian, marry him and take him for every penny he has, not really needing to poison the man. When she finds Kathy approaching Gray for some legal advice, she informs her and everyone else that she and Ian are going to be celebrating their marriage/wedding with a party at the Vic, so everyone can see how committed they are. Even though this is part of her plan, I truly don't know how long she'll be able to put up with it. There is only so much she can take, surely? I mean - Kathy even mentioned whether they had actually consummated the marriage, for some reason I do think that Sharon is going to have to act upon that, just show she'll be able to carry on with her plan and prove their marriage is real, even though she'll hate every single minute of it! But I do feel what she did in tonight's episode was a huge step too far, after realising she was running low of pills to give to Ian, she did the desperate act and approached Jean, using the excuses that she needed tinsel for her upcoming party. Only as soon as Jean was out of the room, she rummaged in the poor woman's handbag and nicked, what I'm assuming was, Jean's bipolar medication. This is going to look awful, not just on Sharon, but also for Jean and the Slater's. What if Jean notices her medication is missing? Or even Stacey? Could it cause Jean to go on a downward spiral? Who knows? I do fear that Sharon's actions could have some serious repercussions for an innocent party.

Thirdly, let's talk about Martin, Ruby and Kush! After being kicked out of the Slater household, Kush is now living with Martin and Ruby. Even though he has no where else to stay, Kush is only staying there because he threatened Ruby by telling her that he'd reveal her involvement in his set up to flee Walford with Arthur. It appears to be the morning after and Martin still isn't interesting in forgiving his best mate. As Martin leaves the room, Kush sits down with Ruby and they begin to talk about Martin, Ruby still hasn't told her husband about her involvement but she seems to feel that Martin isn't talking to her like the way he should, he always seems to be going to Stacey for advice and to talk about things. Kush tries to console Ruby by telling her that Martin is a good Dad, and with Stacey being the mother of his kids, she has to accept the fact that she'll be a part of his life forever, with Ruby looking solemn he makes the very important statement that Martin lives for his kids. It looks as if these words seem to play on Ruby's mind. Meanwhile, while Ruby and Kush are having their discussion, Martin has caught up with Stacey in the Cafe, she openly admits that she understands Kush's actions, however this does not mean that she's forgiven him. Martin is completely surprised by her attitude towards it all, he seemed to expected her to be livid, but she voices her understanding that people do crazy things when they panic, they don't think straight and attempt to do a runner - was Kush acting the same way anyone else would? Stacey's words play on Martin's mind and later he finds his wife at her club, he admits to her that she was right about Kush and that he should forgive his friend. However when he admits that he had spoken to Stacey about it, it upsets Ruby as she begins to feel that her husband doesn't listen to her, as she states that she said the exact same thing that Stacey had told him. Martin seems to think that her wife is jealous or maybe a bit insecure, she questions him whether he actually does love her - he tries to reassure her that he does love her and that his ex's (Stacey and Sonia) are just good friends, plus the very important fact is that they're mother's to his children. BUT THEN - Ruby drops the huge bombshell that she's pregnant! "So am I!" she claims! Leaving Martin looking confused and, honestly, not at all excited! When he asks her if she's truly pregnant, she subtly nods her head. BIG RED FLAG GOING UP!!! I'm telling you all now, she IS NOT pregnant! This will be her plan in an attempt to keep hold of her husband and grasp the attention from him that she so desperately wants, plus it'll also be an attempt to keep him away from Stacey! Only, with this being a lie - this may mean she'll have to become pregnant really quickly, otherwise he'll soon find out she's lying. Will she trick him into sleeping with her? Or could she even blackmail someone else to get her pregnant? Kush maybe?! Ooooo this is going to be a dramatic one I can see it coming!!

The next thing I want to mention is Katy and Frankie! First I just want to say how great it is to see Frankie back! It's been a while since she's been in the soap, I'm hoping now she's back and everything's been revealed, I hope she'll come to realise the truth about her Mum and go and be there for Mick! Will Linda learn to accept her? Could she become a part of the Carter family? Who knows? Either way, I'd love to see her remain in the soap! I think it's a bit unsure as to where Frankie has been, it's clear she hasn't been living with her Mum, and she certainly hasn't been in Walford, where actually has she been?! I think it's very clear and obvious to say that Katy has been completely on edge after Mick confronted her about her abuse towards him. Did Katy reach out to her daughter in pure panic? Making her believe that she has a better chance at life if she was to go to Australia and work in a bar with her God-Mother? Of course, we can tell straight away that it's an attempt to get rid of her daughter before she finds out the awful truth! Only it looks as if Frankie can smell a rat from a mile off, I truly don't think she trusts her Mother - after even having her suspicions about Mick, something mustn't feel right, surely?! The only thing I found pretty impressive in these scenes was the sign language used, even though Mick and Tina never used sign language in front of Frankie (probably because they don't know how) - but Simone Lahbib must've learned how to use sign language for those specific scenes. It's not every day that sign language is shown in a soap, I particularly was impressed with that!

Finally we need to save the best part till last! Patrick! Oh Patrick!!! I want to say how much I've enjoyed seeing so many scenes involving Patrick over the past couple of episodes. It's so nice to see him at the front for a change, Rudolph Walker is an absolutely brilliant actor and EastEnders are so lucky to have him!! The scenes between Patrick and Phil were fantastic, two characters we hardly get to see share a scene together, I have to say I enjoyed every minute of them! We need more of that! Don't you think? I do feel for Patrick, he's trying to keep everybody happy and safe, even though he's going behind Denise's back and letting Phil see Raymond, he's clearly only doing that because Phil promised to keep them safe from Lucas - so I guess it's fair to say that he was stuck in the middle of doing right for both parties. I did feel for him when Denise learnt the truth about him going behind her back, he was clearly devastated as she announced that she felt he betrayed her and her trust. Earlier in the episode when Phil took Raymond out for a kick about, Patrick was getting himself worked up, informing Phil that they should make their way back to the Square, only he suddenly had a bit of shock and had to sit himself down, it look like he had some kind of pain or scare of some kind? Only when Lucas appeared as his front door and barged his way in, Patrick was confronting the murderer, when suddenly he collapsed right in front of him. At first I thought it might've been a heart attack? But then I remembered, a couple of years back Patrick suffered a horrendous stroke and it took him months to learn how to walk and talk again. For a split moment, I thought Lucas was going to help - we know Lucas is evil but could he really stoop so low in letting an old man die right in front of him?! The episode ended with him hesitating to call an ambulance!

I would be absolutely devastated if EastEnders were to kill Patrick off, especially considering the character has only just come back after battling Coronavirus! How bloody awful! I plead that Patrick will survive, I hope maybe Denise, Jack or even Kim might come to the house in time and call an ambulance. I have to say I'm looking forward to tomorrow's episode, I just hope Patrick will be okay! EastEnders would be making a huge mistake if they were to let Patrick be killed off! What do you guys think? I'd love to hear your thoughts, please feel free to leave me a message or comment! I'll be back tomorrow following tomorrow's episode! Enjoy the rest of your night folks! Love you all xXx

#eastenders #lucasjohnson #patricktrueman #philmitchell #denisefox #rubyfowler #martinfowler #staceyslater #kushkazemi #soniafowler #sharonbeale #kathybeale #ianbeale #katylewis #frankielewis #mickcarter #grayatkins #jackbranning

[theuncommittedwriter]

From now on, alone

From: My hero academia

Pairing: Shouto Todoroki x reader

Genre: angst

A/N: Oh wow, first thing and is angst, such a surprise! Lmao I love angst. I hope you'll like it :) please take in consideration that English is not my first language. Be free to do as much corrections as you need! Please enjoy! :)

Summary: Shouto and his s/o met at UA quite years ago, but now, due to a disease, he has to see her losing her life in front of his eyes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He wondered if he would ever be able to forget the beauty that your sleeping face gathered. No, it was more than beauty. There was something of the peace of your breathing, the length of your eyelashes, the redness of your lips, the little distortion on the form of your face caused by having the cheek pressed on the mattress. You looked angelical on rather common terms. But he was not a believer of God; more likely, he had stopped believing in him after hearing some news from your mouth. Those words together were like hearing the trumpets announcing the day of the final trial to him.

Shouto Todoroki couldn't recall when was the last time he had slept, or at least, the last time he had had an eight hour time of recharging sleep. His mind wouldn't stop screaming and racing all over the place. It seemed like no matter in which direction he looked, there was a little memory with you. Be it the darkest corner of the bedroom, in which you once tried to scare him after watching a thriller movie in a particular rainy night; or the center of the large room, where he had invited you to dance in a playful tone more than every day. In other circumstances, he would affirm with total security that it was a bless to have such large mountain of memories with his beloved one. But at the moment, it felt like it was the plage coming after him.

The man wanted nothing more than to get on his feet and take a large run across the city. And if even after that he couldn't calm his mind, he would take the first train he could catch. It didn't have to matter the destination. He wanted nothing more than to escape, to be a coward and run away from his fears, from the fatality future that he couldn't control nor predict. He had never considered himself someone who wanted to be in charge of everything, but after that night, he felt like if he didn't take control of things, he would go insane. Unfortunately, his racing heart wouldn't allow himself to run. Not now. Not when the light of his nightmares was dying in front of him. He would never forgive himself if he ran.

Lately, his mind has being taking him back to the days he met you, as if it was some sort of punishment. He felt like the worst sinner when he thought that he wouldn't have to go through this if it wasn't because he had fallen so mad in love; with you, and with the idea of life. To him, you were like some kind of deity. Someone destined to suffer at the cost of saving others. Like that, with that cheesy line, was how he would describe your whole existence.

You two met at your first year of UA. However, as long as he was one at the top of the class, you were at the bottom. Not because you were weak, it was because you just put one foot at the UA for the first time at the second half of the second year. Not even one of your classmates knew about your existence until one day Aizawa mentioned you. That same day, a group of kids appeared in your hospital room with friendly smiles. They apologized for not visiting you until the second half of their first year at school.

Your quirk was one life-saver for a lot of people. Being called "cells of divinity", your genetic was holy for everyone but you. One day you may not be able to move your arm at all, two weeks later you may regain your arm, but lost the ability to talk, and so on. Your immune system was a mess, always going against yourself. Doctors had to keep you under intense care for 15 long years, which you all spent hospitalized. At some point around your 7th birthday, your parents stopped coming. Then you started to hear some rumours that they weren't paying for the hospital bed, and then they went missing. Before your 9th birthday, the responsibility for your safety and well being was in charge of the government.

At the cost of all the pills you had had to take, all the therapy you had gone through, there has been at least a million lifes saved. Your blood hated you, but it was made to be used by scientist to create medicines. That's why you'd spend so much time on hospitals, you had been created to be part of so many experiments.

When Todoroki heard for the first time this history, he had mixed feelings. He thought that you were nothing less than a hero, and that's why they admitted you on UA even though you couldn't fight. But at the same time, he thought that it was a really cruel destiny. He put himself on the position of being cursed by blood, something he had experienced in his own shoes, and felt like it was a big injustice to you. One night that his group of friend reunited in your hospital room, he confessed his thoughts about your life. After that, you two growth closer.

His stomach can't do anything else than to twitch in sorrow just from remembering all the nights you two had cried together, how many times he had had to hand-feed you because your arms wouldn't move on inch, how many times he had carry you on a wheelchair, just because your genetic decided that they wouldn't active your legs' nerves. How happy you looked the first time in years you had gone out of the hospital, even if it only longed three days. How happy you seemed to be the first time you took an actual exam with everyone in that UA classroom. Todoroki was completely and absolutely love-struck with the idea of you being happy and smiling, you being able to liberate yourself from the chains of your own genetic at going out of hospitals. He was utterly lost on all the comforts words you had given him throughout the years. He still couldn't say when was the exact time he had fallen so madly in love, but he was sure he couldn't stan a world without you.

Life only seemed to take him as a joke, because there you two were. He had let you sleep for more tha usual, even thought it was late on the afternoon. You were supposed to take a brief nap after being awake with him the whole night, crying and professing love words to each other. It has been like that for the past two weeks, since the day you gave him the fatal news. He almost lost conscious the moment he heard you saying that you were dying and there was no cure. He was mad at the time, mad because your quirk was supposed to save lives but it couldn't save yours. Right now, he couldn't feel anything but fear. Today was your last day. The day you told him, you had been really sick, he thought you would only dedrage from there, almost unable to talk on the last day. That way, it would have been less painful. But no, the destiny decided to give you vitality on your last times. The last week you had been more active than ever, even if you didn't go out, he had skipped work just to watch you wander around the shared apartment, singing, dancing, telling jokes, almost unaware of the fact that you were about to die. He tried his best to atone with you, but as stated previously, he can't remember the last time he had slept well.

Shouto was lost on thoughts, and it felt like an ice bucket being thrown on his face when he heard you giggling. There you were, his little angel, watching him from some centimeters apart. At the sight of your puffy eyes observing him, his heart pondered hard on his chest. He then held your hand. In your eyes, he was clearly dying of fear.

He intertwined your fingers, and his mind got him to thinking into your fragile form. How years and years of drugs on your body have made it be so tiny in comparison to his, how insecure you've felt the first time you two have had intimacy. Along with the years, Shouto stopped thinking that your quirk was one of a hero, and thought of it as a curse. You had nothing you could do to change your fate, and that was driving him crazy.

—Shouto —you called softly. In that instant, Shouto interpreted that as the worst case scenario, but then seeing you wear a smile made him let his breath out, which he doesn't know when he started containing—, you're spacing out.

—Sorry... —he mumbled, even softer than you. He then reached for your body with both hands, embracing you in a much needed hug, trying not to think about it as the last one. You answered nothing. Instead, tried to calm him down by tracing his column with your finger tips and massaging his hair softly. When you felt he had relaxed a bit, you tried to make a bit of space between both of you, you wanted to see his face. He didn't let you do so, he was too focused on carving your scent in his soul.

You sighed internally. You knew this was hard, and it probably was harder for him; but you had some things you wanted to prepare before reaching the final end. Some things for him.

It wasn't like you weren't afraid of dying. You had been, but not anymore. You had seen so many people dying, you had met so many people that has died, and you yourself knowing the nature of your quirk. At some point of your adolescence, you got to understand that death was something you should walk side by side, till the day she decided it was time to go.

What you didn't expect, was to fall in love. It wasn't in your plan to fall in love with a guy disposed to hold your hand even when you couldn't feel it. You didn't plan to be mad in love with someone who would not even change his expression one bit if you told him you couldn't move one inch and you had probably shit yourself, and instead tell you that it was nothing to be shy about and call a nurse. You didn't plan to fall in love with someone who had a radically different life from yours, but still shared the tears of your demons. It was out of the clue, but there you were, preparing your last note to your beloved one.

—Honey... —you tried calling again, in a low voice. You didn't intend to be cruel with him, but you didn't know how much time you had left. Even so, you were afraid of the numbness on your feet and the new cool feeling on your back.

Shouto tried to collect himself, as he had been trying for the past weeks, for you. He moved a bit back and looked his eyes on yours. He was at loss of words, his mind couldn't stop tormenting him with memories, instead of trying to appreciate those last times with you: —Sorry... —he then whispered.

—It's ok —you smiled, but weakly— there are still some things I want to prepare. Would you mind? —You knew you were probably being the worst girlfriend of the world, but you didn't dispose of its time to waste.

He minded. He seriously did, but he couldn't keep himself together to protest. He let you go, watching attentively how you vividly put your slippers on and walked to the loving room. After some seconds, he followed after you. Something at the back of his mind was yelling at him that he was being a bit over dramatic, but he couldn't help his heavy heart.

The living room of the apartment was linked to the kitchen, and there you were, preparing your favourite beverage; something to stimulate your mind to finish up al the letters you were writing to your friends, you would say to Shouto. In fact, you were writing just one final letter, one you planned to read to Shouto at the last moment. You were almost finished, the only thing that was missing was the confession of love, the most important part, you used to think.

Shouto sited uncomfortably on the couch, right next to one reclined chair you bought once to read books in "a perfect position" you said. He didn't even try to hide the fact that he was watching you. He didn't try to hide his distress, either. He was waiting for the worst to happen in any moment, not like he was prepared, but he didn't want to get catched by surprise.

As if his own negative feeling were calls for angels to come and take you, you sighed, exhausted. All the energy you gained on the last days was facked. You tried to make cheerful memories with Shouto, even if they would hurt him at the beginning, you confided that later he would feel nostalgic coming back to them. Your hands shacked as you stirred the liquid on the cup, your vision was getting blurry, it became difficult to breathe. All of the sudden, as if death entered crashing the window to the large apartment. Your legs felt like giving up, until they finally did. You kneeled on the floor while a rough rampage of cough invaded your throat. As if you'd even doubt it, Shouto was by your side in an instant. He carried you out of pure instincts. He had seen you before being weak on the knees, but he knew this would be the last. He laid you on the reclined chair, lowering his face near yours, taking one of your hand in his. He certainly was panicking, and for the first time, the little smile that you tried to emulate on your beauty lips didn't give him any comfort. Instead, he felt like tearing up seeing the tints of blood coming out your mouth. The disease that was killing you was one that disintegrated organs from inside, it was something new that your immune system developed specially for you.

You kept coughing, each time worst. Blood came out of your mouth, but you still tried to smile on the sake of Todoroki Shouto —It's pretty bad —you could mutter between interruptions.

—I love you —was the only thing that Shouto could process at the moment. He could feel his blood running inside him.

You finally stopped coughing, but it didn't do any better, it made you realise how fast you had loosen faculties on your body. You couldn't feel your legs anymore, and your head was spinning, unable to form any thought. You fixed your eyes on Shouto. You didn't hear what he said, not anymore between coughs. You could see the shock on his eyes, those pretty eyes. The memory of you once thinking that he may had some kind of royalty-like blood on him came to you: —I really like your eyes... —you muttered. You weren't sure what you were supposed to do anymore, nor that you could think about it in that state— But you probably don't want to hear about that right now.

Shouto let a sob out. Tears accumulated on his eyes, and he did nothing to stop them from falling: —I want to hear it. I want to hear everything about you —he protested—. Please, please, tell me, tell me your thoughts, your feels... please —he begged. The hold if his hand on yours tightened, while yours felt weaker and weaker.

You cupped his face with your free hand, tracing delicately the shape of his scar: —I really like your eyes... —you took a pause to breathe from your mouth— And your scar, you don't like it but I do —Shouto did nothing more than to put his hand above yours, crying at its coldness—. I feel cold... Ah, there was something I wanted to tell you, but I can't remember what... —you scrunched your eyebrows, trying to remember the important thing you wanted to tell him— I see you blurry, I'm sorry...

Shouto heard you, he heard every word, but he wasn't able to come up with an answer. He contained his breath when he saw strings of blood coming out your nose: —Don't be sorry, please... I love you, I always will. —he helplessly chocked out the words.

—Kiss me... —you commanded breathly. He did nothing more than to obey. He kissed you delicately and briefly, suffering at the absence of warm in almost every part of you: —Oh, I remembered... —you coughed once again, some sprinkles of blood reaching to shower Shouto's face— I love you, that was it... I'm really sorry.

Shouto cried inconsolably, the love of his life was parting apart in front of him; even if he knew that would happen, he was not prepared. He rushed to speak when the hand that was cupping his face fell unmoving: —I love you, I love you much more! —at this point, he was shouting.

Shouto let out a desperate sound when he saw your eyes slowly closing. You didn't try to fight against it, you couldn't. The fogg on your mind had disappeared, it was replaced with nothing. Your eyes fell shut, your hands didn't charge with more strength. Just like that, your lifeless body laid on that reclinable chair.

Shouto didn't try to contain his emotions. He was a mess, a complete mess. The sigh of him crying and shouting to your cadaver to come back, begging and pleading to all gods to give him you back. He let our your hand, and embraced your cold body. He kept shouting till his throat went raw, and even then he didn't stop calling for your name.

Who know how much passed, but Shoto kept crying for you. He kept himself there, holding your lifeless hand. He then started to think of the time no one talks about, the time that you have already cried your eyes out, but they're not coming back. The time that you're still sitting there right next to a body without an owner to respond. He wondered what he was supposed to do now. What would happen to him after you had been taken away physically. Who would hear him crying? Who would accompany him on the bed? Who would complain to him to eat less soba a week? Who could possibly fill the emptynes that your soul left behind?

#shouto todoroki #Todoroki #todoroki shouto #todoroki x reader #mha x reader #bnha x reader #shouto todoroki x reader #todoroki shouto x reader #shouto #mha #bnha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #my hero academia todoroki #my hero academia x reader #boku no hero academia x reader #my hero academia fanfiction #todoroki imagines #todoroki imagine

[dashuisofanubis]

Another ghost AU

Okay the premise for this one is sort of a what if they figured out Nina was the chosen one and performed the ritual, but its also an AU.

KT, Eddie and Willow move into a boarding house for the prestigious Ankh school. They notice there are a lot of awards and items in the school dedicated to a group of students.

It turns out that on the 7th of July, around 50 years ago, these 7 students were discovered dead. The cause was believed to be poisoning as the students were all from the same house and the two surviving students admitted to having skipped meals at the house that day. The house mother was arrested and sentenced for murder, despite rumours that she was innocent.

The truth of the tale is different:

An ancient Egyptian artefact was believed to have power beyond scientific knowledge, and, once assembled, was said to grant immortality. However, nature must maintain a balance, and for every life extended, another has to be cut short.

Despite all their research, the Secret Society were not aware of these consequences, or most likely were at some level but chose to ignore it. So, when the ritual took place and life was transferred, they had what they wanted, but at a cost.

The Immortals:

Victor Rodenmaar. Location unknown. Has been off the grid for 25 years after vanishing one night in the middle of the school year

Daphne Andrews. Still a teacher at Ankh. Taught many student's parents and has said she will retire next year for the past 20 years

Eric Sweet. Eddie's father, and a man he's always admired and looked up to. He's not what he seems, and is a lot older than Eddie believed.

Mercer, father to one of the lost students. Has realised immortality is not all it's cracked up to be. Having lost his wife 10 years ago, he lives a lonely life and regrets ever joining the society and offering up his daughter.

Jason Winkler. Joined due to degenerative illness, hoping this would be a cure. It was, and he lives a mostly happy life, when he can forget what part he played in the tragedy.

Doctor Delia. Now the CEO of the local hospital, she's experimented with her immortality, to see if there is a way to transfer part of her life to a patient. It took a lot of work, but 11 years ago, she finally had some success. 14 year old Sophia was fatally injured in a car crash, and Dr Delia used her blood in a transfusion, saving the girl.

Rufus Zeno is the final immortal. It was supposed to be Roebuck, but Rufus broke in and threatened the Chosen One, unless he got what he wanted. Wanting to save the girl, and being the only one who hadn't drunk from the cup, Roebuck sacrificed his chance.

(Had he known the girl would die anyway, it might have been different)

Rufus is out there, somewhere, and he's dangerous.

Back to the story:

(Idk what the plot really is but here goes)

The trio (Eddie, KT and Willow) discover the students used to live in Anubis House.

One night, they're playing truth or dare with their housemates: Stella, Marco, Anna, Raf and Peter. KT is dared to go down into the cellar, where she finds a secret panel. Behind it, she finds 7 balancing scales, an intricately decorated cup, and an empty bottle.

The scales have discs with names written on them. The names match those of the 7 students who died. However, the discs are only on one side of the scales, suggesting there were 7 more previously. KT takes the bottle to prove she went into the basement, and something compels her to take the discs as well, which she shows to Willow once they're back in their room.

They let Eddie know about it the next morning and the 3 begin to wonder if the students' deaths were really as they seemed.

Eddie is walking up the stairs when he trips on a loose floorboard. Annoyed, he goes to try and put it back into place when something catches his eye. It's a metal disc, tarnished with age. He cleans it up and sees the word Zeno printed on it.

He tells KT and Willow, and KT realises it must be from the scales she found. Something doesn't feel right, so they decide to investigate.

Eddie jokingly suggests they hold a seance, and despite Willows warnings, they do.

It doesn't seem to work.

The next day, Willow discovers an intruder in the house, someone who looks very similar to photos in the school...

Willow is unnerved but curious, so she says hey to them. They turn around, apparently spooked that someone can see them, and vanish.

Willow tells the others, who initially disbelieve her, but soon they come to meet the former residents of their boarding house.

The ghosts were obviously affected by their own deaths, and the fact that they're ghosts, but it's been 50 years now, so they're getting over it. They generally try to stay out of the students' ways, as they learnt that people generally freak out at the sight of ghosts.

They appeared as ghosts the same moment their lives transferred to the immortals, but were extremely weak and found it hard to keep themselves together. They were unable to dissipate completely though, something was keeping them there. They had to watch as Trudy was arrested; as their house was put out of action till an increase in students forced them to open it again 15 years later; as Victor still wandered the halls; as all the students came and grew and left while they were trapped in the house.

Unable to die, but unable to live.

Slowly, they began to gain more power, and for the past 10 years they've been able to hold a corporeal form for lengthening times, meaning they can actually do things and go places. They're capable of leaving the house for short distances and periods of time, though if they're out for too long they fade away and reappear back in the house with a killer headache.

They think (hope) this means the immortals are weakening, but it could just be they're getting used to the whole being dead thing.

Their lives were tied to the balancing scales and the person on the opposite side, so they each have some connection to an immortal

This means they get fleeting impressions/feelings from their immortal, which strengthens with their proximity.

Connected Immortal and Ghost:

Rodenmaar - Nina

Sweet - Fabian

Andrews - Amber

Delia - Alfie

Roebuck/Zeno - Jerome

Mercer - Joy

Winkler - Patricia

Amber gets the most impressions because Ms Andrews still teaches at the school

Nina and Jerome receive hardly any because both Zeno and Rodenmaar are unknowns

However, recently they've started getting fleeting emotions and visuals that aren't their own. The two missing immortals are becoming active and they're heading for the house.

The ghosts can't do much on their own so Eddie, KT and Willow have to be prepared to discover what these two immortals want and put a stop to it.

Eddie finds out that his dad was once Eric Sweet (he chose a different name after leaving the school, to distance himself), the former headmaster of the school and is horrified by the part he played in all this. A confrontation goes down.

There's a bit where they track down Mick and Mara, now in their 60s, and bring them back to Anubis House to reunite with their former housemates. It would be a really emotional scene because while most of them weren't close, you can't live in close quarters with people for a long time, without forming a bond. And when it ended so abruptly with no goodbyes...well.

They also track down the other immortals and bring them to the house to face their ghosts (literally). Ms Andrews regrets it immensely; Delia has no (some) regrets, but argues she's able to save many more lives this way, Jason is in denial.

Don't imagine immortal!Mercer finally seeing his daughter again, only she's a ghost and he caused her death. He's full of apologies, but they're all based around how he missed her, not how he cut her life short.

There would be a lot of regret and grief all round, and anger on the ghosts' part.

While Trudy probably wouldn't be alive after all this time, the trio and the ghosts want the immortals to clear her name.

Zeno and Rodenmaar arrive at the house. They're both searching for an ancient artefact hidden in the house.

(Is it the mask? Is it the Book of Isis? Robert Frobisher Smythe? Who knows? Not me.)

They also want to try and end the other because, why not. Grudges can last forever.

The trio also meet Sophia at some point, who is undergoing weird transitions as a result of the blood transfusion. Her body is fighting it while also trying to embrace it, and it causes her to randomly absorb life/energy from plants or other people. She can also transfer energy to other beings, but this causes her to collapse. She also still looks 14 when she should be in her 20s by now. The trio befriend her and try to figure out a cure.

While their existences are tainted with regret and bitterness, the ghosts still make their own fun. Sometimes they'll pull pranks on unsuspecting students, or just sit in the back of the class room to listen to the lessons like they're students again. They know for a fact Ms Andrews hasn't changed her curriculum in 50 years and can now recite her lessons by heart. They also like to play games in the house like tag or hide and seek, and they will admit its more fun when you can phase through walls.

When they reveal themselves to the trio, they enjoy tormenting them, but also help them with their games nights, charading the answers behind the other 5s backs. Everyone's had near misses with the 5, but somehow they remain oblivious to the SEVEN GHOSTS living in their house. But then again everyone else is oblivous to the fact the 5 are on some Arthurian quest.

I don't know how this story would end, but the best outcome is that they fight Zeno and Rodenmaar, and some truth comes out that Rodenmaar has discovered a way to reverse what was done and needs an artefact from the tunnels to conduct the ritual. Zeno, meanwhile has discovered another ritual that would give him the power from the other immortals to essentially make himself a god.

Naturally, both are trying to stop the other from achieving their goals.

Initially, KT, Eddie, Willow and the ghosts (and Sophia) attempt to stop both parties, but when they discover Victor's plan they work to take down Zeno. Once he's subdued (taken down by Sophia draining his energy), they summon the other 5 immortals.

Some of them take some convincing, but others are all too ready to give up this immortal life. They get time to tie off loose ends. Ms. Andrews hands in her resignation, Delia entrusts someone (Sophia?) with her work, Mercer has a long talk with his daughter, Eric has an even longer talk with his son. Victor spends his time in Anubis House, telling the kids his story and apologising for taking so long to fix his mistake.

Eventually, the ritual takes place, and the next day sees 7 new students enrolled who look uncannily like the students in the pictures.

(It takes them a while to adjust to the fact they can't walk through walls anymore)

#then KT's grandfather gives her a key and they're off on another adventure #house of anubis #long post #hoa #kt rush #eddie miller #willow jenks #i know this was my longest au but it somehow ended up longer #ghost au 2: electric boogaloo #this would be an epic 100k fic but alas i dont have the energy nor skill to do that so take the plotline instead #honestly though this would make a great buzzfeed unsolved episode #also im so sorry about the anglicised versions of de vijf but i think thats what they would have been called if there was an english remake #ive put the keep reading thing on this so many times but tumblr keeps removing it so sorry if you have to scroll #hoa au

[scaredofthebasement-blog]

When Love Walks In - Chpt 11

Chpt 11 - Auston is moved out of ICU & Talks to Dr Quinn Privately

(I’d love to hear what you’re thinking of the story so far.) 

Words 4706

Warning:  Cuss words, Long Chapter

After congratulating Auston on his great progress, Dr Wright excuses herself for the day.  

Dr Quinn informs Auston and his parents that Nicole is looking after Auston’s transfer to a private room and he should expect to be moving shortly.  She tells them that she will drop by Auston’s room before she leaves for the day to see how he is settling into his “new digs” as she calls them. She expects to drop by sometime around 6 pm.

Auston is happy to hear he is going to see Dr Quinn again today.  He hopes he is settled into his room with enough time to spare to convince his parents, in an unsuspicious way, to leave him alone in his room.  He wants to be able to chat again privately with Dr Quinn before she goes home for the night.

Nurse Nicole makes sure Auston’s transfer to the 7th floor goes smoothly.  He has a private room with a view of University Avenue; but from Auston’s bed, all he can see are the windows of the other buildings across the street.  

Ema and Brian talk to Nicole about the possibility of unapproved visitors sneaking in to see Auston. Nicole tells them that she will speak with security on their behalf and try to get a guard to standby at the Nurse’s Station.  Brian thanks her and tells her that if the hospital can’t provide security for Auston, then he would like to hire someone privately, he just needs to know what the hospital wants.  

Later, Hospital Security indicates that they will only be able to staff a guard over the next 48 hours for Auston, but if the family want someone after that period, then they needed to hire a security guard approved by the Chief of Staff. Brian agrees to get that arranged as soon as possible and in the meantime takes an opportunity to meet with the Hospital Security Team to inform them of the restrictions he wants in place on visits to see Auston.  For the next 48 hour period, and until further notice, only staff and immediate family are to be allowed in Auston’s room.  

Auston has had a constant eye on the clock, so by 530 pm; he’s getting concerned that the ‘time-is-a-tickin’, and he needs to get his parents moving before Dr Quinn arrives to check on him.  

He writes on his whiteboard, “you guys gonna get dinner and sleep at my place tonight?  Go see the girls?”

“Yeah, if you’re okay, we were planning on taking the girls out for dinner tonight and staying at your place. What do you think?”  Brian asks.

“Yeah.  Good idea.  I’m good now”,  Auston writes.

“Okay, but we’ll miss Dr Q. Do you think we need to be here for when she comes this evening?”  Ema asks.

“No.  Dr Q’s just coming tonight to see that I’m settled.  I can handle it.”  Auston assures his parents.

“Well, if you’re sure?”  Ema confirms.

Auston nods and then writes, “Yup. Glad to be out of ICU but pretty tired.”

“Yeah, we’re happy you’re out as well, and we’re going to celebrate with the girls tonight and discuss plans to get them back to their lives in Scottsdale.”

“I wish I could join you to celebrate.  Good idea to have one of you go back home along with the girls.  I’ve been lucky to have you all here but no need for you two to both stay, now that I am on the road to recovery”, Auston encourages.

Brian reminds Auston, “Okay, we’ll think on that.  Contact us if you need us tonight. Anytime. Okay?  Phone us.  Text us. Your phone is charged and on your side table.  I know you don’t want to go on it right now but use it to keep in touch with me, your mom and sisters.  Okay?  Goodnight, son.  Sleep well.”

Auston nods as Ema kisses him on the head, goodbye.

Auston writes, “say hi to Alex and Bre for me”, with a heart after it.

“Will do.  But like I said, you can text them”, Brian reminds Auston with a pat on his shoulder.  Brian smiles and waves as he walks out of the room with Ema.

————————————————————-

It is now 6:15 pm and Auston is getting excited about Dr Quinn’s visit.  He just starts thinking about what he wants to say to her when she walks in his room.

Auston can’t help but notice how professional, chill and pretty Dr Quinn looks. It’s the end of the day, she has no visible makeup and must be tired, but she still looks radiant and so relaxed.  She is smiling, and instead of holding her usual chart, she has a brown paper bag in her hand as she walks towards him to stand on his left-hand side of the bed.

Placing the bag on Auston’s sliding table, she comments, “Well look at you in your new pad, Auston! Where are your parents?”  She asks, scoping the room.

Auston greets her with a big smile and small hand wave.  He grabs his board and pen and writes, “Dinner out with A & B.  Sleeping at Condo.  I encouraged it.”

“Oh, good!  I’m glad to hear it.  You’re a good son, Auston.”  Dr Quinn praises.

Auston smiles and writes “no biggie.”

“So do you have friends coming to visit you tonight?  A room-warming?”  She jokes.

“Am I allowed visitors now?” He asks.  

“But honestly, I’m kinda enjoying this bubble I’ve been in lately.  No desire to assoc with world when can’t breathe, talk or walk.  Don’t have energy to deal with stuff right now.”  He adds.

Dr Quinn takes a longer than normal look at Auston to see if he looks depressed.  It is hard to tell.  

“Ohhh, yes, sorry, Auston.  I forgot to mention earlier today that you can have visitors now that you are out of ICU.  Also, you can use your cell phone now whenever you would like since concussion symptoms are gone.  So you don’t want to get in touch with friends?”

Auston writes, “No, I don’t want to face my old life till I’m my old self.”

Dr Quinn is concerned.  “I see, Auston, that’s to be expected.  You have a lot to get your head around; your accident, your limitations right now, your team, your fans, questions about your future, therapy, focusing on rest and healing and I’m sure just thinking of the volume of messages you have received since this all went down must be daunting.  No doubt, you’re overwhelmed. Are you feeling overwhelmed, Auston?”

“Well, now I am!  Thanks, Doctor Debbie Downer!”, he writes, joking back with a big smirk.

“Ha!  Yeah, that was a downer.  Wasn’t it?   I’m so sorry, Auston.  Be sure to stop me if I decide to pursue Suicide Prevention Counselling, will ya?”

“Ha!  Yup!”  Auston writes, still enjoying the humour of it.

Auston thinks to himself but doesn’t share, And compounding things even further is trying to deal with my feelings for you.

“I’m really sorry, Auston. Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts, thinking about my patients’ challenges. I wish I could just take them all away.  I can help with the medical end of it but not the other stuff.  It gets a bit sad and overwhelming just thinking about what you all are going through and all the hurdles you need to jump, not just health-wise but everyday living stuff.  Life can be hard enough without adding health complications.  Saying the challenges out loud gets them out of my head, but that’s not fair to you, so I’m very sorry.”

Can you please forgive me, Auston?” she asks, looking him in the eye with sincerity.

“Of course!”  Auston writes  “No worries.  I was just having some fun with you.  I never really saw it from your perspective.  You opened my eyes to how extra tough your job must be, I mean, emotionally speaking.”

“Oh, Auston, please don’t misunderstand me.  What I go through is nothing compared to what you or any of my patients go through.  I just wanted to explain why I said what I said.”

“I understand.”  Auston writes and then adds a very silly smiley face emoji drawing to lighten the mood.  He turns the board to face Dr Quinn.

When she sees the crazy smiley face drawing, she bursts out laughing. “Ha!  Auston that’s hilarious!  Can u do others?!”  She quickly covers her mouth, looking around to see if she disturbed anyone by being so loud.

Auston loves her reaction. He erases his board, and with a smirk, he looks up at Dr Quinn.  Then with a straight-face, he proceeds to draw and show Dr Quinn, one hilarious smiley face emoji drawing after another hilarious smiley face drawing until Dr Quinn can hardly breathe; trying so hard to stifle her laughter and not to disturb anyone.

When she sees his last drawing which is a smiley face doctor emoji, that he labels ‘Dr Q’ and which has a headband light and a stethoscope that is listening to the head of another smiley face emoji that he labels ‘Auston’, she waves her hand in surrender, trying to catch her breath.

“Auston!  Oh my goodness, Auston!  That is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!”  She tells him; still trying to quietly, compose herself.

“How?  When?  How did you get so good at…?  Are you an artist or something?”  She manages to spit out, absolutely floored by his drawing talent and sense of humour.

Auston writes, “Long, long, boring, boring, road trips…Have I mentioned they were long and boring?”

“Ha!  So amazing!  You’ve got some serious skills, Mr Matthews!  If this isn’t your main talent, I can’t even begin to imagine what you can do on skates.  Thank you for that Auston!  I seriously have not laughed that hard in a long time.  Wow!  That was something special.”  She says as she giggles, fixing her hair and dabbing tears from her eyes with a tissue.

Auston can’t help but beam with joy at having made Dr Quinn so deliriously happy.  If he were honest, he’d have to say that was the most heartwarming moment of his life.

Auston writes, “It’s the least I can do.  Glad you enjoyed them.  Glad all that wasted time wasn’t wasted after all.  Your response was worth every boring, doodling minute.”

Dr Quinn takes a breath and starts, “Auhhhh…Okay, so back to what we were discussing.  I suppose what I was trying to say before you pulled your Picasso out on me, was that I was … Oh, my goodness!  That came out very wrong.”

Auston stares at Dr Quinn with a very funny, surprised and curious face that suggests she’s just shocked the hell out of him by saying something very inappropriately funny.  He knows she just slipped up but thinks it’s hilarious. He wants to tease her for it and listen to her try to explain her way out of it.

“Oh Auston, you know what I was getting at right?  Picasso, as in your crazy drawings were like the artist; Picasso-ish, you know?”  She pleads with him.

When he doesn’t stop making his shocked face, she continues, “You know what I was trying to say, right?”

He shakes his head no, smiles and laughs inside.

“I didn’t mean to make it rude. I’m so embarrassed Auston.  Stop smiling at me like that!  Stop making faces!  Auston!  You’re enjoying watching me squirm, aren’t you?  Oh, you drive me crazy!”

You have no idea how crazy you drive me, sweetheart, is what Auston wants to tell her.

Auston could not believe how much fun he was having just lying in a hospital bed.  He’s unable to speak, barely able to breathe, unable to eat, unable to go to the washroom on his own, unable to do much of anything, not sure of his future, but feels like if he could have this woman in his life, every day, he would want for absolutely nothing.  He would have everything.

“Anyways, Auston, you silly weirdo, I was listing all of your possible concerns because I get why you would want to stay in your bubble.  I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.  But, what I can do, since I probably drove you to jump off a ledge with my flair for motivational speaking, is offer you counselling.”  She tells him but is interrupted by another weird face he is making at her; this one is supposed to be a crazy person.

“Stop it!  Auston!”  She scolds him as he smirks.

“If you want to talk to a counsellor, we have some great ones that I can arrange for you to see here in the hospital.  They can come to you.  I highly recommend therapy, especially in cases like yours, it can be very helpful. Like I was telling you, there is a lot for you to process.  It’s good to have someone guide you.”  She informs him.

Auston pretends to have fallen asleep because of her serious talk.

“Oh Come on!  Auston!”  She pleads.  “I’m being serious.  This is serious.”  She gently scolds him.

Auston writes, “Thanks but no, I’m not ready for that yet.  Besides, I don’t trust anybody knowing my shit; except maybe you.”  Auston knows it might be revealing a bit too much to admit that last part, but he also figures she should expect her patients to trust her, so hopefully, no bells go off for her.

“Oh, thank you for trusting me with ‘your shit’, Auston!”  Dr Quinn says sarcastically and feigning upset.

She continues with a giggle, “I wish I were qualified to be entrusted with ‘your shit’ Auston, but counselling is not my area of expertise as you witnessed earlier.  There are far better people than me for that job.”

“I disagree”, He writes matter-of-factly.  “Not needing a Psych right now, just a friend who cares”, He adds.

Dr Quinn feels their chat is getting awkward.  If she’s honest, she cares and wants to be Auston’s friend, but because she is his doctor, she won’t mix those two worlds; doing so would only bring problems.   So not wanting to hurt Auston or make things more awkward between them, she chooses to change the subject by delegating a job to him instead of pointing out the necessary line that she won’t cross.

“Well, one thing I can do is suggest that you ask your parents or sisters to look after sorting out your cell phone messages and Social Media.  If they can help you by responding with just a message that they are overseeing your phone and social media accounts, for the time being, that might take some of the pressure off you.  If they take that load, then you may feel less overwhelmed and maybe feel more like reaching out to a good friend who can lend a supportive ear. Or, since your family already have enough on their plate, I’m sure you could give that job to your agent’s people. Just a suggestion, cause like I said, and you witnessed, I am not qualified”, Dr Quinn adds with a laugh.

Auston realizes Dr Quinn has to draw a line to keep her role as his doctor separate from anything personal, but he really wishes she could be the one.  If he could confide in her, then they could develop a closer relationship while he has the chance during his stay in the hospital.  He accepts that he is just going to have to sneak in chats with her until he doesn’t need her as his doctor anymore.

Auston responds, “OK.  Good idea.  Thanks.”

Dr Quinn just remembers that she has something for Auston.  “Oh yes, on a happier note, you mentioned the other day that you are from Arizona and I just so happened to be in the gift shop this evening, and this beauty caught my eye. I figured since you moved into your new digs here, you might like this to brighten your days and remind you of home. Also, you can choose to see it as an award of sorts for your most recent accomplishment of getting yourself breathing without the ventilator.  I understand you’re pretty accustomed to getting trophies for your accomplishments so…” She says, teasing him.

Auston smirks and rolls his eyes for that last comment as Dr Quinn hands Auston the paper bag for him to open.

He’s curious and surprised. She’s excited to see his reaction. As he is about to put his hand inside the bag without looking, Dr Quinn gasps, “Oh no!  Wait!  Let me help you!”  She tries to grab the bag from him and touches his hand.  She is shocked by the electric-like current that passes between her and Auston as they touch momentarily.

Pulling the bag from his hands, she tries to ignore the spark.

“I’m so sorry Auston; I wasn’t thinking; there’s a cactus in the bag and if you put your hand in you’re going to get pricked.”

She rips the bag to expose the sharp green plant.  “Here it is. It’s just a little something”, she says as she places it on his bed next to him, careful to avoid touching him again.

As Auston looks at the small plant with a tiny blue ribbon attached to one of its spikes, he tries to process the rush of thoughts and emotions.  

He loves how she just made his stomach flip with her touch, and that he finally mastered keeping his heart rate under control with meditative-type breathing.  

He rushes to sort through his thoughts:  First, she thinks of me when she is away from me. Then, she wants to make me happy by getting me a gift.  Then, she remembers personal things about me like where my home is and that I get awards. Then, there is electricity in our touch, which I can’t believe she didn’t feel.  Then, she is concerned about hurting me.  Even if she can’t admit to being my friend right now, she just showed me that we are friends; and that’s enough right now.  He thinks.

Auston is tempted to call Dr Quinn out; that her actions mean more than she is willing to admit, by asking her if she gives all her patients a gift when they move rooms or accomplish something in recovery, but thinks better of it.  He knows that keeping the status-quo to just doctor and patient will allow her to remain his doctor and grant him time to develop a relationship with her; that works for him.

Auston writes, “Thanks very much, Dr Q.”

“You’re very welcome, Auston. I hope you like it.”  Dr Quinn responds.

“I do, very much”, he writes as he blushes and motions for her to put it on the window ledge across the room from him.  He wants to be able to see it all the time.

“Well, it’s not much, but I am just excited for you and this big step forward and wanted to cheer up your new room.  You’ve gone through a lot, and you still have a ways to go.”  She tells him.

“You’re a very special person, Dr Q.”  He writes on his board with a smile.  He figures that’s safe.  She’s his doctor, and she’s nice so there, he thinks.  Sue me!  He reasons with himself.  He would give anything to say more, but he knows there’s too much at risk.

Dr Quinn quickly changes the subject.  “I hope you will have some friends over soon.  That would be good for you, Auston.  Also, if you won’t see a counsellor, then please start talking to someone who can help you sort things out.  Give it some serious thought on who you have in your network that will be good to talk to about what you’re going through.  I’ll check back with you to make sure you do that, okay?”  She pauses and then adds “Consider that your homework.”

“Oh, so you’re my doctor AND now my teacher?!”  Auston writes cheekily.

“Well, I am actually qualified to teach, so I suppose I could be your teacher.  So yes, I am your teacher, and that is your homework, Auston Matthews. I expect you to do it or I’ll take back your trophy”,  Dr Quinn teases.

“Ahhh, Professor Q! You wouldn’t!” Auston writes in jest.

“Oh, yes, I would!”  She teases back.

“Well, I sure wouldn’t want you to take your gift away, so I’ll be sure to do your damn assignment”, Auston adds.

“Good to hear, Auston. Cause I will.  You know I will, don’t you?”  She teases again.

Auston can’t help but blush at her dominance.  “Yes, I know you will, Dr Q.”  Auston writes, acting dejected to make her laugh.

“Okay, well I better leave you to get some sleep”, Dr Quinn announces.

Auston quickly writes, “What are you doing tonight?  Hot date?”  He teases playfully trying not to make her suspicious, but honestly wants to know.

“Ha!  No!  But you got me thinking the other day when we talked about me needing to crawl out from under my rock.  Probably shouldn’t be sharing this with my patient but it’s because of you that I even contemplated this.  There is a guy who has been asking me to go out with him for a long while, but I didn’t think I had the time to date with my busy schedule.  However, you got me thinking that I really live a sad life of work, work, work.  I should make an effort to have a life beyond work.  Career-wise, things have been a little less intense lately, so I’m going to go on a date.”

Holy Shit, No!  What the hell did I do?!  Auston yells to himself.

He immediately tries to calm himself down to avoid setting off the heart rate monitor again.  

What do I tell her?  I want to tell her not to date him but can’t.  What do I do?  Oh, my God!  He panics to himself.

He is scared that the monitor is going to go off and reveal his feelings.  He needs her to get out of the room before it does.  He’s trying to contain his thoughts and the emotions they are bringing on with his meditative breathing.

Hoping to do damage control, he calmly takes his marker and writes, “No, I understand why you have little social life.  I am somewhat the same during hockey season.  I’d be exactly the same if I weren’t on a team.  So I get it.  No shame in it.  You are on a different level.”  

“I have a team of sorts through my work, but I don’t think it’s the same kind of comradery you have on your team. You all travel together.  We all work a variety of shifts.  It gets kind of lonely to be honest”, Dr Quinn reveals.

Auston doesn’t want to hear that she is lonely or unhappy, but he needs for her to wait for him to get better. He sees no way of getting her to wait without confessing his feelings, but if he does, he for sure will lose her as his doctor.

“I see.  Well, I wouldn’t want you to be lonely.  But I also wouldn’t want you to get hurt either. Are you sure he’s a good guy?” Auston asks hoping she will reconsider out of fear that the guy might hurt her.

“He seems to be”, Dr Quinn answers.

“Who is it?  A doctor?”  He questions her, but it really doesn’t matter who it is because he is jealous of anyone who takes her attention away from him.  But he wants to know who it is so he can find out more about him.

“Yeah.  His name is Doctor Scott Peters.  He’s a plastic surgeon.  Works in his own practice and I send patients to him.  I met him at a seminar and see him off and on when he comes to the hospital to do surgeries”, She explains.

“Good looking?”  He wants to know what she classifies as attractive.

“I think so anyway”, She responds blushing; uncomfortable that he would ask this.

“Well, be careful.  You deserve the best, so don’t settle.  I also wouldn’t want to see you get hurt. You’re pretty important to me”, Auston writes.  He figures that letting her know that she is important to him is safe since she is, after all, his doctor.  But he also hopes she might take from his comments, the subtle message, that he is in the wings so she should just wait for him.  He feels he really has nothing else he can say or do at this point without risking losing her as his doctor.

“Thanks for your concern, Auston. I will be careful.  You have a great night’s sleep, and I’ll see you tomorrow okay?”  She tells him.

“Yeah.  Thanks for stopping by and for the cactus.  I really love u. Ha!  I mean, IT.”  He can’t help himself.  He feels desperate and jealous.  He makes a subconscious mistake writing “u” but refuses to erase it.  Instead, he thinks that if he adds the other parts, he can play innocent but leaves her free to take it any way she wants.  

Auston hopes she gets the message because there’s nothing else he can do right now.

Dr Quinn leaves Auston’s room confused by their exchanges but refuses to focus on it as doing so might add issues to working with him.

Auston begins to wallow in his frustration.  He is sickened by the thought of Dr Quinn going out with another guy.  He is frustrated at the timing.  He immediately turns to his nightstand to get his cell phone. He needs to see what this guy is all about.

Just as Auston sees a photo of Dr Peters and begins reading about him, his heart rate monitor goes off.  He is relieved that Dr Quinn is out of his room, but then he sees her walk back in.

Oh, Fuck Me!  He says to himself.

“What happened Auston?  I just left you.”  She looks at Auston perplexed as she heads over to check the machine.

Auston seems upset and is holding his cell phone.  Dr Quinn surmises that Auston has been trying to do the “homework” assignment she gave him and it has distressed him.

Before Auston can try and make up a response, Dr Quinn answers for him, “Oh, your cell phone?”

Auston just nods figuring she bailed him out again by jumping to conclusions.  She really has no clue how I feel about her, which is both good and bad, he thinks.

“Auston, I suggest you don’t look at your cell phone this evening unless to contact your family.  Once your family has a chance to deal with your messages, you will feel better about using it.  They are the last thing you need to look at right now.  Okay?”

Auston nods in agreement.

“Or is it something else that is bugging you?”  She asks.

Auston shakes his head no and writes, “I’m tired too.”

“Okay then, let me tuck you in, and you get some sleep right now.  Hand me that cell phone please.”

He quickly closes his phone as she takes it and puts it in the drawer of the side table.  He enjoys the attention of her caring for him, adjusting the cords attached to him, getting him comfortable and tucking the covers around him.  She finishes with a touch of her hand on his arm as she says, “Sleep tight, Auston.” With that touch, the current of electricity that no one acknowledges returns.  Auston wants to grab her arm and pull her to him.

Instead, he closes his eyes and sighs to himself as he relishes the chills she gives him.  He is gone, gone, gone for her.  He doesn’t want to watch her walk away, and out of his room, so instead he just keeps his eyes closed and imagines she has sat down in the room with him as he falls asleep.  By doing this, he is able to keep thoughts of Dr Peters out of his mind and drift off into slumber.

#auston matthews #auston matthews fanfiction #auston matthews imagine #fanfiction #imagine #love story #nhl #nhl imagines #toronto maple leafs #leafs imagines #leafs fanfiction #leafs

[lost-in-your-own-thoughts]

Girl of Glass

In a world where the people would be made of sticks and stones armed with steely knives and words that slither and stay,

She was made only of glass, covered in a thin layer of paper and tape.

See it held her together in a world where sticks and stones broke your souls, and our mouths were caverns that should have never been explored, but out to be silent in the black mist as they set fire and burn to ash our little paper walls, oh we could wish that our bodies were far humbler Halls, and instead of trauma and despair held love and a body still left untouched and not scared.

Because those steely knives, those rods of steel, they stay and play at night, where nobody will hear the tears. Because they pray and bite at your mind until you become numb or shattered and nothing but the hollow shell of someone who you used to know. Unknown to be true, can't seem to believe that the words "I love you" can be true.

Say "I'm fine" and laugh, but really your cracked, "I'm tired" and smile, though the real one hasn't shown in awhile.

In the end she was nothing but a frame to be used by paper mache, and a vase that knew way too much for her age.

And change and change and change she did, because no matter how she looked or acted or how things changed, she was so young, so her mind thinks that its the calm before the wave. Cuz if she got a little too happy the things that once held her fragile hands would be the same to scrape and scratch at her newly polished glass, and quiet she was, but her mind was too loud, filled with the blood they made her bleed out.

Because she was betrayed at a young age, thrown in the battlefield before she made it to the first grade, learned how to survive in a world where you need to know if someone was bullshitting you because that could be your life or your reputation.

Learned that sometimes men are immature, and women are not always to be trusted, that family can even lie and betray, oh the child's mind should have been left alone, didn't you know,

Children are supposed to believe in fairy tales...

Went back and forth from a home to a pit of nothing but agony and dispair, the homes were different, not just in acts but looks I swear any sane person would have seen right through it in a minute.

From a home where responsibility was key and the house was clean and mom had you surrounded by who you considered your real family and fun, to a house held by a father who didn't work nor pay bills, dove into alcohol and drugs, and lived in a pit of filth with his mother and father who seemed to condone it still.

A man who slept in nothing but boxers with his children, they were old enough to bathe on their own but father's mother couldn't get the picture. He seemed to not care about his daughter and more about his son, then contradict it all by calling him a after teaching him it was ok and fun.

We were only kids, but mistreated by him, so much so we don't remember most of the things he did.

It's been 6 years now, since they've last seen him. But still his picture would be a horrific thing to the victim.

From young the girl made of glass learned to thicken her core, she didn't want to feel like that anymore.

But the girl made of glass went through more than just that,

Their was a house fire that had her move far, to a place unknown,

Leave the ones she called friends and say goodbye, she moved to a new neighborhood and looked out the window as they arrived.

That was her second year of second grade.

The girl made of glass, found new friends in the third grade, though when things got ugly, they proved they weren't real anyway.

"your a girl you can't do that" staff told her when she wanted to play sports, not like she cared, she did way she wanted to, to stay happy and sane since she was still dealing with back and forth shit, and her father had a dog he beat with his cane.

Fourth grade was hard as she lost most of her friends, started pulling her hair out another coping mechanism, because distract and distract her mind she did, ignoring all her pain till she couldn't feel it. Was the last year she saw or heard from her father, that was good news at last.

Fifth grade came by, all the kids hated her, teachers too, but let's not go there. It's when she started to isolate and keep to herself, but boys loved her misery and dragged her into the boys bathroom, crying she was no longer unscratched glass on a shelf.

The first guy she liked played with her emotions to get what he wanted, said if she didn't touch him or let him touch her he'd leave her, truth be told he was the only actual white boy she knew, said he was from Texas had and older brother and a younger sister she adored, made quite the impression, though their relationship never went far. It was on and off and he even cheated on her with a guy, same one tried to screw her on the bus during senior trip, but lol she wasn't having it.

They called her "white chocolate" at school because for her ethnicity she was pale as paper with chocolate hair and eyes, She didn't know much but apparently you're not Hispanic if you can't speak Spanish.

The kids in the middle and high school that were also in the building tended to look over the stalls in the restroom and make fun of her, and the girl with glass afraid to use public restrooms after that.

The girl made of glass had long chocolate hair, that was until the fights were no longer fair. It was groups of girls that jumped her, and not only the girls, but then she cut her long hair short so she wouldn't be thrown against a brick wall again like a raggedy Ann. The fights still persisted, and she was the only one not winning and getting into trouble at the school.

She cried and cried and cried so many tears. "You only have to push it out for the rest of this year. Then it'll be a new school new you."

She held on to that till she made it out of 5th grade, little did she know 6th grade was almost close to the same.

But the boys were more "respectful" she could say, they all hated her and called her ugly and one beat her with a bat. But those hands she had were for healing and not for beating people so she couldn't even fight back.

Too many kids from elementary school were there, I guess you can say at least the kids kept it verbal for the most part. She told the staff but nothing was done, treated like a desease and they made fun of her and called her things like "ebola" or skinny freak" that's how she met her group of friends, who stood up for each other, I guess.

By 7th grade the whole ebola thing was off but she could still sense that nobody wanted anything to do with her so she kept to herself. She made herself busy, to forget her pain, she was in a band where she put her emotions and pain into the music, because it was her blood.

We aren't even going to talk about her relationships in this year. But there was I believe, one.

He was good for the most part but because of her past after she collapsed in the middle of the street he didn't help her and stood with his friends and laughed, she didn't want it anymore because the one to help her was her best friend.

Year 8. The year of the seniors. Let's just say it got so bad, police were involved, she dated her best friend but he broke her heart, dated someone else who she in turn broke their heart, and then dated another who left her for a friend. Though it's not like she blames them. She was starting to hate herself more in the end. She's stopped too many suicide attempts and was bullied on end, the school had to change her class and thing finally started to smooth out but she felt like the only one in a crowded room. She was loved by the teachers and the friends that stayed, but she was lost for her own self love.

She avoided going to the nurse because grades were everything. "Your worth nothing if you don't have anything to prove your worth" her mind taunted.

She was sent to guidence, but they are idiots because it's not like they could really help anything. she was way too good a faking till her mask came off at night.

Then one fateful evening, her father messages her and she feels like the breath was stolen from her lungs as flashes of periods she can't even remember went through her mind and she had to excuse herself to calm down and once she did she blocked him.

9th grade. She had only dated Hispanics up until this point minuses the non-binary pal she was with for a short period of time.

She makes new friends but is careful. Her mind doesn't believe that anything stays good for long.

She dated this boy who was a actor and dark skinned, like sweet caramel mixed with chocolate with light blue curly hair. He was a weeb, charming, nice. Though, he kind of smelled like blood and was just as cracked as her, if not more.

They said "I love you" but his was a lie. She was not only second girl but he also cheated on her and the first girl with a guy. And he bragged to her friends about the girls he saw when he was admitted to a mental hospital. When she gave up her time to visit him and show dedication but it just seemed like it didn't matter. Because he broke her heart the second time. He was her second time saying the words "I love you" and she ment it, the first was the best friend that she dated that she no longer spoke to.

It didn't matter she blamed herself for trusting him.

She then she met a new guy a couple months later. They couldn't see each other in person and the cronavirus pandemic happened so it's not like that made it any easier so they were on FaceTime a lot. He makes this girl of glass feel like her cracks and everything about her is good. He makes her feel normal, is patient and sweet. He's funny and smart. And looks at both sides of the story before jumping to any conclusions. And he was a healthy mix of immature and mature that made her smile and laugh and also taught her things.

So maybe, in a world where she was a girl made of glass, she was unique and she couldn't see it yet.

(the video isn't mine)

#writers on tumblr #my writing #writers #words #poets on tumblr #sad poem #love poem #poetry #spilled feelings #spilled writing #spilled emotions #spilled poem #spilled ink #excerpt from a story i'll never write #excerpts from my life #excerpts from my mind #writeblr #writerscraft #free write #writeaway #writerscreed #writerscribbles #my poem #poetsofig #poets corner

[halle108]

Life is a Bitch

To see your mom perish, what that's like. If I tried to tell you everything I felt at this moment, well, I wouldn't know where to begin. My mom died on December 15, 2019. She was suffering from Alzheimer's. She was only 46 when she was diagnosed and I was 7 when I found out. When we found out, my family had just been in a 7 car, car crash. Luckily no one died, but my dad and twin brother were severely hurt. I was 7, and I didn't understand. I was asleep in the car, and the next thing I know, my brother is flying into the window sheld. My dad was in rehab for 3 months and my brother was in a wheelchair. He's ok now, but my dad is still injured from the accident.

My dad had to go to jail on the weekends since he caused the accident. While this was happening. My mom was slowly getting worse. One day, in fourth grade, my mom was taking me to school, and because Alzheimer's causes reflexes to decrease, my mom hit into our neighbor's fence. That was the last time she drove. I remember her getting so mad that she couldn't do things or that she forgot something. Most of her friends were leaving her, not bothering to call. She was so lonely, and I was too wrapped up in my own world and didn't completely understand. I was 9, and I was a brat.

Just as the car accident chapter of my life was finally closing up, my mom started getting worse. She would get frantic and make scenes in public. She would get paranoid and forget where she was. My dad would get enraged at my mom, himself, my grandmother, my brother, and me. He blamed other people for the accident and was angry at the world for handing him these cards and taking away the love of his life. He never thought he would have to be a single parent. And he had no idea what he was doing. Now, I love my father, but he wasn't meant to be a dad, nor did he want to be. I started raising my brother and me, even though I was 8. My grandma would help. She loves us so much, and I don't know where I'd be without her.  

In the summer of 2015, my dad left to pick up some groceries. It was me, my brother, and my mom, alone. She got scared, I was trying to help her, and she forgot who she was. She didn't recognize my brother or me. Then she started to scream. She cursed at me and called me all kinds of names, she started hitting me, and I told my brother to go to his room. I didn't want him to see this or get hurt. I've always been protective of him, even though he is technically 7 minutes older than me. But as she was hitting and scratching me, I just sat crying, not wanting to do anything to hurt her. I don't think my dad meant to, but he put a lot of responsibilities on me. I would hold the money and shop for us. I tried giving my mom the money before the cashier would see, I was 9, and I was embarrassed that I was the parent in the situation.

Then sixth grade came. That's when everything got so much worse. On my birthday, my aunt died. I found out while I was eating dinner with my whole family. I told my cousin her mother died, she didn't believe me at first, thinking I was kidding, but I wasn't. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it. I couldn't do anything, my aunt was brain dead. But I don't really celebrate my birthday anymore. That's also when my cousin changed, she started hanging with the wrong crowd and filled both of our minds with toxic thoughts.  

My mom was in and out of the hospital and was worse every time she came out. She wasn't paranoid or turbulent; she became her old self again. Kind and gentle. But every time I would see her. There was one more piece missing.  When I was in 7th grade, she moved in with my grandma. It was too hard for her to live with us and being in her childhood home was better for her. How my grandmother was able to see her husband and daughter go through this and come out alive, I'm not sure. But she is the strongest person I know. I can't imagine what that was like for her.

I would visit my mom on the weekends and spend time with her. While this was happening, I was falling into a depression. I would stop talking to people outside of school and would stay by myself. I would read, I wanted to escape, I fell in love with books and wished to be in them, even if that would be worse than the one I was living in. When my mom was in the hospital, I would go see her every day. Straight from school till visiting hours ended, and my dad and I would have to leave. I was tired, overworked from school, and felt so bad about myself. I would feel guilty if I didn't go see her and never felt enough. My grades weren't high enough, I wasn't losing weight even though I was practically starving myself, I was tired and alone and in so much pain. I'm lucky, I made some great friends who were always there, but friends can't fight your battles for you.

In 8th grade, things got terrible. I started self-harming, introduced to me by my cousin. I needed a way to let things out, and I didn't want to bother my dad and put more on his plate. He's not good with emotions, and I was scared he'd say the wrong thing or not understand. School got worse since I was taking high school classes, and my mom was almost always in the hospital. So I was also in the hospital. I didn't want my dad to be alone and felt like I had to go and that I wasn't a sound person if I didn't. I would get home at midnight. I had regents study that I went to by myself cause I didn't want to wake my dad up on a Saturday at 8 and so much homework on top of taking care of my mom, brother, and myself.

Over the summer, I practically lived with my grandma so that my dad wouldn't have to drive to Queens from Long Island every day. I would feed her, take her to the bathroom, watch her and push her in her wheelchair, since she could no longer walk. I was 13, and I was a full-time nurse for my own mother. Even as I'm writing this, I'm only 14, I'm still a child. But I was given adult responsibilities and was treated like a kid. At times I was the parent for even my dad. He can be hot-tempered and doesn't listen to anyone. I was in a dark place, and when school started in the fall, I broke. One day in October, I lost it. I've had suicidal thoughts, but I've never acted on them before, but I was done. I wanted the pain to end.

Suicide is not what it's like in the books, at least for me, it wasn't. I know that I have people that love me and I know that it will get better, that nothing is ever the same forever. But I didn't care. It wasn't that I wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to end, to feel something again. Yeah, I would laugh with friends and make jokes, and it wasn't me pretending, I was actually having fun. But it was a quick fix, it never lasted and each time it worked less and less. The second I was alone with my thoughts, whether I was physically alone or not, the pain would come. The kind of numb so bad that it hurts and it feels like it's never going to stop. So intense and consuming. I wanted it to end. I couldn't take it anymore, and I didn't want to say I was depressed because who am I to say that? I didn't want to take away from the people who have depression by self-diagnosing. So instead, I took a bunch of sleeping medicine. I woke up and nothing happened. So I told myself I would try again the next night. Ironically, that day my dad took my brother and me to see Joker. This is not the best movie to mind when you plan on committing suicide, but seeing the film wouldn't have changed anything.

That night, I binged watched the final season of the show I was watching cause I didn't want to end on a cliffhanger, and around 3 am, I took 18 pills. I didn't write a note or anything, I just laid there listening to music and waiting to fall unconscious and die. Neither of the 2 happened. My dad went to wake me up for school and I was having a panic attack. My heart was beating so fast from the meds and nerves and I was stuttering out words, trying to tell him what happened. I could barely say "table," which was covered in medicine containers.  He didn't handle the situation well and started yelling at me. An ambulance finally came and after waiting for almost 3 days, I was in a child's psych ward. I think a part of me knew I wasn't going to die, hoping, even. I thought, if I die then I die. The pain will be over, and if I don't, then maybe I'll get help.

The psych ward wasn't how you think it is. I was in a small hall with other kids with issues like me. We aren't crazy, just kids in bad situations who needed help. Everyone I met there was kind and I had a lot of fun sneaking uno at 10 pm, playing with my roommates, trying not to get caught by the nurse. I was able to get on some medicine that help keep me stable and with counseling and hard work, I have gotten better. Now, don't think that everything is rainbows and sunshine. I'm not going to say that everything is all fine now. Life will never be all fine, but I'm finding more reasons to stay alive.

My mom's death hurts me so much, I had a dream the night before she was gone that she died, and when I woke up, I actually thought she was dead. She was in a hospice home and was on her deathbed. That day I went out with my grandma and my dad called, I knew. We were online to pay for something and he told me to call him back in the car. I waited till my grandma was seated, and that's when he told me. We went to her and I cried on her shoulder. She was so cold and I saw the death in her eyes. I covered her in blankets. I know, in reality, that wouldn't change anything, but it mattered to me. She was so cold, she hated being cold. Her funeral was arduous. I gave a speech. I didn't even get to see her in the casket before she was buried. My dad told me that she looked beautiful.

Life is going to throw things at you and try to tear you up. But to find the little things that make life worth living, whether that's a sunny day or making someone laugh, those are the things that keep me going. I'm still struggling with my mental illness and so much more. But I want to be here, she would want me to be here, happy. I only had my mom, my true mom, for about 7 years, but she loved me and my brother with everything she had. So I'm going to live. For her, for my family and friends, and most importantly, I'm going to live for myself.

#I'm sorry for how long this is #my story #it gets better #life story #life sucks #mental health #positive mental attitude #depresjon #depresion #mental disorder #mental ill health #mental ill #alzheimer's foundation #alzheimer&039;s #sucidial #tw suicude #seek help

[chaoticoconut]

1, 6, and 18! 💛

💛💛💛

these will be long as hell I'm sorry lmao

1. for as long as I can remember I've felt attracted to women and drawn to the community. I grew up watching Saturday Night Live with my parents, which I think is where I first encountered homosexuality but a close second was on this other skit show (whose name I can't find for whatever reason) where girl a was getting engaged to her boyfriend and girl b, the best friend and roommate, was freaking out and it ended with girl b kissing her and I don't know why its stuck with me for over a decade but I used to spend so much time up late at night thinking about what love was or why we kiss each other but I never once considered I was anything other than normal until elementary school. Everytime my friend and I stumbled across two girls kissing in pop culture or really any gay representation for that matter we'd tell each other about it and it became this weird fixation of ours until an older girl overheard us and called us weird and gay and I remember I went home and cried and cried because being weird and gay were obviously synonymous at my Texas charter elementary school and would have a negative impact on my life if people found out.

I didn't start taking those "am I gay" quizzes till about 5th or 6th grade. I had forced all homosexuality into a very taboo box for me and when I didn't like this one (very creepy, I might add) boy back in 6th grade and I told my parents, I remember getting this really adverse reaction from my mother ("well then what are you?") that perpetually kept me fully closeted for another year. That being said, I knew I was attracted to boys too. I think I had my first real crush on a boy in 3rd grade, but before that I had liked Wilbur Robinson and Peter Pan and Justin Bieber and Taylor Lautner for Christ's sake so I had it in my mind that even if I weren't fully straight I could pass as everyone else's normal and not face the repercussions of being weird and gay. I'd still marry a man and have kids like every other female role model I my life at the time. I felt a lot of guilt during puberty and had tremendous gay panic thinking I had to be one thing or another or even one thing in secret and I was lying to myself in some way about my feelings and then my dad's friend (or my self appointed aunt actually) came out to everyone after having been married to a man for several years. As 7th grade rolled around one of my friends came out as transgender. And the internet finally seemed to really give a shit about the LGBT+ community, and the world felt bigger, and I felt more comfortable giving myself exceptions ("maybe you could have a girlfriend in college but still marry a man"). I discovered flannels, I had gay ships (Harley and Ivy saved my whole life), all my friends were coming out at an increasing rate, and suddenly all sorts of people were attractive to me. The quizzes called what I was bisexual. A pretty girl I knew identified as bi/pan (I can't remember what it was at the time, she changed labels a lot those days) I had met at a birthday party just a few days before asked me over breakfast if I liked girls.

I damn near choked on my toast.

And against every voice screaming in my head to just say no and that it wasn't worth it, I told her the truth and within a few days we were dating. Granted, it was only about 3 days the first time, I finally had one thing straight: I was a legitimate bisexual (pardon the pun).

Then everyone found out and called me a lesbian and I was back in the hole. I didn't want to be a lesbian, not because somehow that was more weird and gay than being a bisexual, but because that wasn't who I was. And I knew that much about myself. I had a lot of internalized oppressive tendencies to confront but at least I had some solid footing in my identity. According to my friends my energy was much gayer in middle school and freshman year and I "struggled" with that (I didn't want to shoo away any cute guys but had to accept that even my bisexual identity was polarizing for some) and now I'm here. I'm 16. I'm very confident in my identity. I'm out to almost all of my friends (except for most of my elementary school pals (including the girl who talked about wlw stuff w me bc she's really homophobic now)), some of their families, and one other adult (she was my counselor in the hospital and after like 5 minutes she was like "and are you LGBT or am I mistaken?" and I had to make sure my mom wasn't lurking around the corner before I said yes, honestly my big gay energy is so powerful), and I may or may not tell my dad before I move out (probably not. I've never been very open with my parents about my social or romantic life. Telling him would probably only make things weird or harder for him to trust me going out and doing things lmao). I felt a part of the community for real when my friend came out to me as bisexual for the first time last month and told me my embrace of it helped her come to terms with her own feelings.

6. I don't know how popular of an opinion this is but finding a label that fit me was really empowering. I played around with the idea of pansexuality and demiromanticism and found that in my specific case they held me back more than they defined me. I felt pansexuality was an unnecessary title to hold with the updated and more fluid and forgiving definition of bisexuality and the biphobic tendencies the community had when trying to empower their base but at the same time who am I to tell someone that their label of choice isn't vaild. I don't give a shit. If it is part of you do you. Have your own normal. Everyone else is weird to everyone else anyway. It won't help to reduce yourself to something you aren't. If labels aren't your shit, splendid for you. If they are, that rocks too. Queer is another label I particularly love. It enforces this no confirmative ideal I have. I didn't even begin to rant about Gender & I. I find the word queer the most empowering label of all in the community, because in whole, we are queer, but we're queer together.

18. I love the memes. Lmao. I love feeling connected enough we can laugh about it together. Growing Up Gay memes in particular made me feel so much better about myself. Those memes where both the guy and gal are attractive. I love the sense of style/lack thereof too. There's this lez senior I already have a crush on who just wears whatever the fuck she wants and idk why but I love it and am so inspired.

#bisexual #asks #bi #bi pride #wlw #queer #growing up gay #pride #love urself!! #gay asks #coming out #lesbian #gay #lgbt #lgbtq #internalized oppression #closeted #am i gay quizzes #bi girl #bi girls #gay girl #gay girls #saturday night live #romance #sexuality #so many tags #gay panic #bi panic #u r vaild #me

[altughuner-blog]

Namaste! How else should I begin this post!

The greeting is the first thing that you learn about a place. It is the first thing that you get to hear in your flight, at the airport, in the taxi and of course at the travel destinations. Greeting from your homeland is also something you carry with you.

Namaste is the most commonly used greeting in India. Very often, when people realize you are an Indian, they fold hands and greet you with a Namaste.

However, when nothing in India is universal, how can our greetings be. Here is a list of some of the commonly used greetings across India.

Thanks to my Twitter and FB timeline for adding to this list. I knew most of them, but some of them like Dhaal Karu from Himachal was a revelation for me.

Researching for this post was absolute fun.

1. Namaste & its Variants

Namaste means ‘I bow to the divine in you’. Ask any Hippie and they would even say ‘The divine in me bows to the divine in you’.

The term has many variants – Namaskar, which is ideally used when you address more than one person.

In Kerala it becomes Namaskaram, in Karnataka it goes as Namaskara and in Andhra states Namaskaramu.

Nepal also uses the same term or Namaskar to greet.

They all mean the same – acknowledging the divine or good in you before any conversation or transaction begins.

2. Ram Ram & its variants

After the more popular Namaste greeting, Ram Ram and its various variants are used in most of the Hindi speaking belt to greet each other. In Awadh and Mithila you hear Sita Ram, Sita Ram. At areas of Bihar and Jharkhand, it becomes Jai Siya Ram. In Haryana, it is usually Ram Ram.

The idea behind this greeting to remember Sri Ram who is the 7th Avatar of Vishnu. Considered Maryada Purushottam, it is probably a way to remind each other and oneself to follow his conduct.

3. Jai Sri Krishna in Gujarat

If you have traveled in Gujarat, interacted with Gujarati families or even watched Gujarati content on TV, you know they all greet each other with ‘Jai Sri Krishna‘.

Krishna chose to make Dwarka his golden city, he ruled the world from here and continues to rule the hearts of the people of Gujarat.

In Dwarka, the greeting becomes more specific to – Jai Dwarkadhish.

4. Radhe Radhe in Braj Bhumi

In Braj, Radha rules. She is the queen and she is the Gopika. To reach Krishna too, you have to go through her. You don’t need to read or know anything about her. Just land anywhere in Braj and ‘Radhe Radhe‘ is not just a greeting but it means excuse me, leave my way, an exclamation and anything that does not need other words.

Jai Sri Radhe is a variant that you hear in temples of Braj sometimes.

5. Sat Sri Akaal in Punjab

A common greeting among Sikhs and Punjabis is Sat Sri Akaal. Sat means Truth, Sri is a respectful honorific and Akaal means timeless. So, you are essentially remembering the Timeless Truth or that Truth is Timeless and resides within all of us.

Sat Sri Akaal is a part of the clarion call given by Guru Gobind Singh – Jo Bole So Nihal, Sat Sri Akaal.

Another longer greeting is ‘Waheguru Ji ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji ki Fateh‘ – it is a reminder that all of us come from that one supreme being which is pure and at the end that is what remains.

6. Vanakkam – Tamil Nadu

Vanakkam is used by Tamil people living anywhere in the world. Essentially it means the same as Namaste. It is bowing down to or respecting the divine inside you. It comes from the root word – Vanagu meaning to bow down. Some literature mentions that Vanakkam specifically refers to the divine at the third eye located between your brows.

7. Khamma Ghani – Rajasthan

I first heard Khamma Ghani in some Hindi films based in Rajasthan. Next, I heard it during my visit to Udaipur. In my mind, it got associated with Rajasthan, but no one could explain what it meant. Now, I have two theories for this:

First is simple – Khamma comes from Sanskrit Kshama meaning forgiveness. Ghani means ‘a lot’. So, the greeting Khamma Ghani simply means – seeking forgiveness for any inadvertent hurt that may have been done or any lapses in hospitality.

The second source one is more historical – in 8th CE AD, 3 successive Mewari Kings, sharing the common name Khumaan, averted many attacks by Arabs. Due to this, the people in their kingdom lived happily for the next 1000 years or so. So, people started greeting each other ‘Khamma Ghani’ meaning ‘May we be blessed with many Khumaans’.

Take your pick for the meaning but when people say it with folded hands – it is a sweet greeting to exchange.

When used with elders Sa is added at the end – Khamma Ghani Sa.

8. Jule – Ladakh

When you travel through the Lahaul Spiti Valley in Himachal or do road trips in Ladakh, you are bound to be greeted with ‘Jule’, pronounced as Joo-Lay. It is a greeting mostly used by Buddhist dominated areas of the Himalayan valleys. It probably means ‘Respect’. I am not sure what it means and what is the root word. If you know, please share.

Just like Radhe Radhe, Jule too can mean thank you, please, excuse me or just Hello.

Tashi Delek is also used in some places.

9. Jai Jinendra – Jains across India

Jai Jinendra is used by all Jains to greet each other. We do not hear it very much as the Jains are a very small minority even within India and they usually use it among themselves only.

Jai Jinendra means victory to Jinendra or the Tirthankar, the souls who have won over their all their senses and have realized the ultimate knowledge.

This greeting directly bows downs to those who have real knowledge.

10. Swami Sharanam by followers of Ayyappa

Swami Sharanam or Swami Sharnam Ayyappa is actually a chant that is also used as a greeting by followers of Ayyappa when they meet each other. They start and end the conversation with this chant. Ayyappa followers are found in Kerala and all other south Indian states.

11. Aadab – Muslims primarily

Aadab is used to greet by followers of Islam and in places where Urdu is spoken. Could not find the meaning or intent of the word. If you know, please share.

12. Dhaal Karu in Himachal

This is another greeting from Himachal, though I will be honest, I am yet to hear it. However, my Himachali friends confirm this is used in Kullu Manali region of the state. The meaning is most probably similar to Namaste.

13. Narmade Har – On banks of Narmada

When you walk with the Narmada, the most common greeting you would hear is ‘Narmade Har’ – may the Narmada take away all your sorrows and sufferings.

Har Har Gange is also heard at places like Rishikesh, Prayagraj, and Varanasi, but not so consistently.

14. Jai Jai – Bikaner

During a trip to Bikaner, I heard the hotel greet us with ‘Jai Jai’. When I inquired, they said, this is how Bikaner greets people. I have not heard it outside the hotel, but it sounds very sweet, royal and full of Veer Rasa or emotion of bravery.

15. Pranam – for the elders

This is an India wide greeting used by the younger people to greet the elders. More often than not, it is complemented by touching the feet.

16. Region-based Greetings

Jai Bhole Nath – Varanasi. The city of Shiva has to have a greeting with his name

Jai Jagannath in Puri and around Odisha

and more

Jai Shri Mahakal in Ujjain

Jai Sri Radhe Govind in Jaipur

17. Hello

Hello is not really an Indian greeting but probably the most used, especially on phone and in urban areas. Before writing this post I had no idea about the origins of the word ‘Hello’, although we used it so many times every day. Apparently, it is not a greeting per se but a way of drawing attention. Another contender for this is Ahoy.

Read this shockingly Short History of Hello.

Hi, it seems is the shortened version of Hello.

18. Good Morning

Good Morning, Good Afternoon, Good Evening or Good Night is the neutral or should I say secular ways to greet anyone. I think I picked it up in school and continued using it till my corporate life. The Good Morning though got reduced to just Morning 🙂

19. Jai Jhulelal

Jai Jhulelal is used by the Sindhi community. Jhulelal is supposed to be the incarnation of Varun, the lord of the seas.

20. Jai Mata Di

It is used by the followers of the Devi or the divine feminine. Mata here refers to Jagadamba or the mother who is the creator, sustainer, and destroyer of everything that exists in this universe.

21. Ayubowan in Sri Lanka

Ayubowan in Sri Lanka comes from Sanskrit – Ayushman Bhava which means ‘May you have a long life’.

22. Sawasdee in Thailand

Sawasdee, the ubiquitous greeting of Thailand, also said with folded hands from Swasti which means wishing well.

All the greetings that have an origin in India or Sanskrit are said with folded hands formally, although informally sometimes you just say them.

Have I missed any Indian greeting? Tell us in the comments below.

The post Namaste! Learn 20 More Ways To Greet In India – Surprised? appeared first on Inditales.

[lantilay-blog]

Title:Is it over yet?

(*Warning*dealing with drugs and mental health)

Look I didn’t want to be here, I don’t wanna wind up on the news. “Caucasion boy found half dead on an alleyway.”I swear if you're reading this and your thinking about it, I swear dude I will beat your ass myself. Be an idiot and die or don’t be an idiot like yours truly, and go to school gosh darnit

Being someone like me sucks, and why would you want to be me?

My name is Dravite Russo and I live in Memphis Tennessee (TE) Probably on the ranking for most dangerous cities. The part of Memphis I live in, Beale street isn’t particularly the worst of the entire city but you know...I moved here a couple years ago when I was about 9-years old and I left a lot of family and friends behind that I cared for deeply. I knew I couldn't be sad about leaving some and forgetting some so... I had to change my attitude quickly and forget about it like it was nothing.

New town means new school! I went to Peabody Elementary School and the first week of school was actually pretty laid back. Teachers acted chill too and it meant a non-stressful year for me. I was a top A student and people at my old school wouldn't talk to me because of it. They thought I was too smart for them, basically snobby I guess.Your probably thinking I was lonely, but actually no. I was so occupied with school and the work that comes with it, that I almosted didn't have time for mutual talking or hanging and even taking a minute out my day to breathe. Feelings and expression and even talking to classmates didn't happen.

I was basically a walking school and ate all the teachers. Looking back now I think I wanted to know everything in order to be enough, but see the problem is that nobody knows everything. What was even the point? There’s a lot of parents who see that their child got an 80 and still aren't happy. My parents never missed a chance to say “good job” or even rewarding me with something. Apparently it wasn't enough, I guess I don't want attention, I just wanted to get the work done and graded and move to the next one.

I couldn’t even tell you what made me so insecure about how people viewed me. It's really confusing because I didn't care what people said or how they looked me up and down in the hallways. Future me sees a big insecure kid wanting attention and recognition but also not wanting it at all.Or to even cause the slightest bit of trouble. I felt like a nobody without my knowledge and school in general.

When I went home I’d study till I passed out and for homework I knew the answers were right but I made sure I looked it up in textbooks and looked it up online just in case. Then I’d do an additional practice and then get on with my night at this point… I could have been a prodigy but the sound of skipping grades to be put in higher classes just because I was smart wasn't really gonna work out for me.

I wanted to be able to work hard for those grades and also feel like I did work my ass off. Even if I understood something I wanted to understand it more and more.

When middle school came along, everything changed. I started staying up later because I had a lot more homework and tests to study for. I started to even join some after school activities like newspaper and yearbook club. I started worrying about my grades even though they were good, I still felt nervous somehow. I was starting to get overwhelmed, or impatient that my grades haven’t been updated.

I was in my 8th grade year and still haven't made a single friend. Getting up each day felt worse than the next and not getting enough sleep was because of it. I almost felt like I was falling behind even though my grades again were good. I really felt forced to be productive even though I was the main source causing me to and feel.

I've started to feel stressed and very scared for the future. I kept thinking what would have been the point if none of my time and effort got me a good job or got me in a good college first of all. I thought I wasn't even gonna be good enough after all this. I might have just been in the 8th grade but time was already moving without me so I had to catch up. I’m already lost and pretending not to be.

Then comes highschool. Highschool is… a very interesting place, for many and just overall something. Highschool is one of the most important times for you. It's time to really pay attention and actually do your homework and study till you pass out once again. It might not be college but it's almost like a preparation for you to get ready.

High School was really hard for me believe it or not. Your over productive kid that never chills out says

“ he has a hard time.’’ I know how it sounds but hear me out please…

August 7th 2015, 4 years ago, I was a 16 year old junior going to Central High school. I was in my AP Physics C class and I’m called down to the office. When I get down to the office, one of the principles directs me towards the back to her room. She told me to sit down and before she speaks, she takes a deep breath and w hen she closed her mouth to finish and opens it again to say “I’m sorry,” I think I zoned out for a minute and almost vomit.

I remember not being able to speak, but all I heard her say was, “dead, family.” mom, sister and my dad, had been in a car accident and ended up dying in the hospital nearby. I never thought this… or something like this would happen to me. I remember thinking I worked so hard just to be disappointed. I was thinking now there gonna send me to an orphanage and forget this ever happened.

One of the teachers had to take me to see seem them. I appreciate the one teacher, Misses. Roxxnne for taking time out of her job to take me to see my family. She was actually one of those teachers that didn't treat you just like a student. When we got to the hospital I remember feeling some anxiety and having to force myself through the slide doors. They told us which room each of them were in and we visited them one by one.

Each bruise, cut and wound was hard to look at. Maybe it would of been a lot different if they were actually alive but there not. There... dead and didn't take me with them or why couldn't it just be me with my selfish longing for attention. I tried to hold myself together for Misses.Roxann but once I seen my little sister I just broke down. I never felt this hurt, betrayed, and lost before, makes me wonder how am I supposed to even feel sometimes...Now that I have no family I’m an orphan now. Will wait for years just to be disappointed again. I don’t want a new family, I want my family. I've already seen reality and I know I won't ever get them back and surely if I want a new family it won't be anytime soon.

Nobodys gonna even want a 16 year old. They'll want the younger kids. They have more years with the younger ones so it makes sense. Where Would I go anyway. .It’s not like I can go anywhere so I guess home sweet home...

Let me reintroduce myself. I’m Dravite Russo, I’m 20 years old and have a drug addiction.

Later in school when my addiction started I never paid attention, “class what does not paying attention result to” failing your tests or just in generel not having a fucking clue what’s happening! Come on it’s not that difficult, it especially shouldn't be difficult when teachers offered candy for whoever had that right answer…

I ended up dropping out my junior year when this all happened. I didn't have a lot of family around where I lived so I was forced to live at a good for nothing orphanage. A lot of people think that will have a better life there, but you don’t. You either got a chance to miss your family or missing the fact you never had one. when we do find the one it's certainly not going to be any time soon, like I said.

Throughout highschool and growing up and going through it and all that shit you know. I was really lost and felt lonely and when I found drugs… It really did change my life in a negative and positive way, believe it or not

LDS, Lysergic acid dieth ...something like that but for short acid. What it effects are thoughts, feelings and awareness of surroundings. You hear and see crap that’s not there apparently. See having a high person such as myself try and explain what they're high on isn’t the wisest choice. I mean I know what I’m taking but also don’t really care.

You're probably wondering why I didn't want to wound up on the news dead... Earlier today I decided to walk to the gas station near my aparment and before going I took 4 sheets of LSD. If you want to get to the gas station there's an alley you walk through or drive through. I was about to be right by the store and I immediately fall to the ground. Tears and the acid coming out of my mouth and nose, coughing and choking on my own doing. I couldnt breath, my heart was jumping out of my chest. I really thought I was gonna freaking die and I wasn't damn near ready to die yet.

I’m in the hospital now and a couple of investigators and police people dudes informed me that I won't be charged but will have to go to rehab obviously… When I got to my room I really pondered for a moment about everything. I didn't wanna come out of rehab and do the same shit again so i'll make it my goal. I have to pledge to become free of drugs. To be free from toxic things.

Police report: 8/10/19, Caucasion boy was investigated and was found addicted to LDS and was found in an alleyway found half dead. He was later sent to a hospital and treated and was free from any charges. He was sent to rehab after a week from being in the hospital.8/16/19, 0800 (8:00 am) Dravite Russo was found dead faced down in his bathtub and was assumed to have taken sleeping pills on the side of the tub and a few on the floor. He was prosomed to die at 0300 (3:00 am) hours. in the morning.

Please give me some opinions and critical comments I’d really appreciate it!

#creativewriters #creative wrting #creative #writing #mental health #life #realism #art #short story

[magicalgirlsammy]

My Birth Story

Early labor started when I got my membrane swept on my due date June 4th, after that I was having some pain and my mucus plug fell out later in the week. Then on the morning of Friday June 7th I woke feeling contractions. They were kind of all over the place, but they were very painful so around 9pm we went to the hospital. The car ride kind of calmed me down and seemed to stop the contractions. When we got there they checked me and I was almost at 4cm dilated, after that the nurses had me walk around the hospital for two hours to get things going. South Park was on TV so we took breaks and watched It In the waiting room, It was the episode where Mr. Garrison thought he was pregnant. Around 1am we went back and they checked me again, nothing had changed so they put me on morphine and gravel then sent me home to try and sleep. I woke up in the morning feeling alright, but around 4pm the contractions got even more terrible then the day before. We ended up leaving for the hospital again. Once we got there a doctor checked me and I still was only at 4cm dilated, she ended up sweeping my membrane. This time It felt so terrible and I was bleeding a lot from It, after having that done they wanted me to walk around for an hour. I couldn't handle the pain of the contractions so we went back a couple mins early and when they checked me I was still only at 4cm. The baby kept getting lower each time I had been getting checked the past couple days, so they took me to the labor ward and got me ready for a epidural. After the epidural we had waited hours, I got checked after and I was still only at 4cm dilated! They gave me something to induce labor at this point and that still didn't get things going. The nurse also ended up putting me on a catheter because they said the baby would of destroyed my bladder. I couldn't fall asleep so I laid there for hours till my doctor came and broke my water in the middle of the night. After I had my water broken my epidural stopped working kind of and I could feel the contractions again. They had to put more meds In my epidural to help, I was still able to feel them after though. After a couple more hours went by the nurse started to show me how to push and around 3am my doctor came into the room to really start things. They had me hold a sheet around a bar to pull myself up while pushing. It was a lot of work and so hard to focus on pushing and pulling myself up. I wasn't able to get his head out all the way because my baby was so big and I was so tired from everything that had happened before. After pushing for about 2 hours the baby's heart started to go all crazy and the doctor quickly got things ready for a assisted birth, I had no time to process what was going on. The doctor sucked out my baby's head with a pump like thing, he was still stuck after that so they had to cut me. After they cut me I got his head out and then around 6am I gave birth to the rest of him. When they pulled him out all I could see was his poor head that was shaped like a cone from him being sucked out. They laid him on me so we could do skin on skin right away, I was In so much pain and so tired that It didn't really hit me about what just happened and that I had my baby out of my belly and on me! After all that It came time to birth the placenta, I wasn't able to push It out because It was also close to 9 pounds like the baby and my body was so done from everything. So a lady had to come In all geared up with a face shield, she then had to scoop out the placenta by hand and that hurt more then the birth did. I bled so much since my placenta was stuck In for so long, they had to keep pushing on my belly to get out all the blood so I wouldn't clot or hemorrhage. Them pushing on my belly was one of the most painfullest things I ever experienced. After all this I laid there feeling warm blood pouring out of me, I could still hardly processes what just happened and that my baby was In the room. After everything was stitched I had to be helped to stand up and put into a wheel chair, then I was brought to the mommy and baby ward. Once we were alone In our room I was crying a lot from feeling shocked and guilty for how everything went. My baby had a huge bruise on his head and was In a lot of pain from being sucked out as well. The next two days I had a lot of different nurses try and help me breast feed him, I felt so bad holding his bruised little head and he was having a lot of troubles latching on. The nurses still had to push on my belly from time to time and they didn't take out my catheter or IV for the longest time, I couldn't shower or do much and It was really hard to move my hand from the pain the IV was giving me. I lost so much blood that my lips were as white as my face was, having the stitches also didn't help the situation. The next day I was able to make It to a breastfeeding class, I came In late and everyone was staring at me like I was a ghost. One of the moms even kept offering me her chair to sit down in. The hospital almost made me stay another day because my blood test came back very low and I needed iron. I wanted to leave so bad though, I wasn't able to sleep there and didn't get good sleep since the last Thursday. My doctor ended up just putting me on iron pills and let me go home. As we were leaving we walked past the labor ward, the waiting room where we had watched South Park and the hallways we walked for two nights to get things going. Everything all came back to me at once, I lost It and started crying. Once we got outside all I saw was bright lights and almost fainted from everything, I had to hold onto my husband to make It to the car. Once we got into the car I started to cry, seeing my beautiful baby healthy In his car seat beside me made everything I had gone through so worth It. Once we got home things really took a bad turn. I was producing a lot of colostrum while In the hospital, which the nurses were surprised saying what I went through I shouldn't of been. My baby had lost some weight while we were In the hospital though. Once we got home breastfeeding was not going so well at all, my husband and I were sleep deprived trying everything we could to get him enough milk. We ended up having to feed him by spoon and shot glass just so he could get enough. One point I was so out of It from lack of sleep and pain that my husband had to help pump and hand express while our baby tried to eat. I had about 6 different at home nurse visits and only one really helped us figure out what was really wrong with my baby. He has a really hard time latching on, sucks his tongue and has a very bad gag reflex. The nurse also told me that baby's born by suction can have problems with their jaws. I have to pump every 2-3 hours a day to help keep my milk supply going, I’m also on pills now to help keep It going. Bottle feeding has been a bit of a struggle with the problems he has as well, we have to stop at every ounce so he can burp and let puke out. No one ever really tells or prepares you for what could happen and what you need to make sure your baby will be ok. It's so hard to handle everything going on when you are sleep deprived and In pain as well. I witness a birth when I was 15 and It was not at all as traumatic experience like this was, I remember the doctor saying that It was good birth control for me to see a birth that young, I told her no and that I still wanted babies. Now I'm so scared from trauma that I don't know If I can ever do It all again and that really break my heart.

#personal