#like the amount of people who have said they have adhd or autism have made fun of me for showing symptoms is ridiculous

[musicfeedsmysoul12]

I just read a bunch of Owl House Criticism and have to say… a lot does make sense. I still rate the show very high and honestly I blame the pacing for a lot of the issues we DO have with the show. I also think people are taking this way more seriously then they should and some do the complaints feel nitpicky.

One thing a lot of people brought up is Luz’s character and how the first episode showed her casual dismissal of others and their safety occurs. Then there was a few comments on how Vee is right to call her out on running away and other things.

I don’t fully disagree. Luz fucked up big time her first episode where she brought live animals and fireworks to school. It’s just… no. I don’t deny people should have punished her for it. I vote that the Shakespeare play and the cheerleading thing aren’t worth punishment though. Because both are honestly just quirky kid things. She wanted to be cool so she did something she liked to try and impress others. They thought it was creepy and reacted to it. Good reasons for her to be kind of shoved aside by some people. The spiders and snakes though? Yikes.

But to just call her a bad character puts a nasty taste in my mouth because I think she is one that is a good character and whom I think would have been fun to explore. It’s just… she’s kind of a concept that was tried but fell flat.

I think the summer camp thing was handled badly and I would have liked to be explained why they never tried to talk to her about what a reasonable amount of creativity is in her school work. If it turns out they had attempted to do so multiple times but she never listened: the camp is probably a better idea then not. More so given her actions could have gotten her arrested. Honeslty leaning on that idea would have been interesting. Luz being told she had to go to camp or face probation or something would have been an interesting hook.

My friend said she felt therapy would have been better and yeah that’s a good point: but what if they did try and it didn’t work? What if they felt a camp was less expensive ? (Which it probably was.)

I would have liked more evidence that Luz was an outcast. I saw a lot of criticism on this because if you just look at the show face value: Luz does seem like she’s whining about a lot of stuff. Her mom turned out to be like her and only wanted her to not get bullied as Camila did in school. She could have made friends at camp. There’s just so much there that does make Luz seem like a bad person for being upset. And honestly it would be interesting to explore that to, to really pick apart the dramatic ‘me against the world’ mindset of teenagers who see themselves as outcasts. But the show is supposed to be about weirdos and found family.

So: I would actually nix Camila being a nerd. Manny was the nerdy one who loved fantasy, encouraging it in Luz. I would have had him be the one who was more open about Luz’s everything while Camila was more wary and put off. Sure, she could still laugh at the snake skin incident, but I would want her to be less accepting of the other stuff. I said that the first episode reminded me of my mom when I got my diagnosis of autism and she didn’t understand it. I would want to lean in.

Manny and Luz should have been canonly neurodivergent. Camila is neurotypical and she constantly compared her two family members because Manny could mask very well. Luz couldn’t. But I would have Camila struggle to understand that her daughter’s own brand of autism/ADHD is vastly different then her husband’s because it’s so common. I can’t tell you how many time people are like: oh you’re lying about being this cause you don’t act like BLANK.

Camila and Luz then have a conflict which makes it more understandable why Luz is willing to lie to her mother about not being at camp. Because Camila is set up to not understand Luz and possibly she would be pushing her daughter to act ‘normal’ because she doesn’t understand. Again this is inspired by my mom. I have vivid memories of her worrying about appearances and how others think of us, with her pushing me towards things I didn’t like. Some of it was out of concern for me, but there was a huge lack of understanding that drove a wedge between us for a while.

I would then have the idea that Luz is bullied be obvious. Luz would reference it or recall incidents. And I would have them be unpleasent. Being ditched by so called ‘friends’, name calling and mocking. Maybe having her things stolen or random crap dumped in her locker. I would have her be the outcast from the start. I would also address her being a POC person in a small town. Luz could have met Masha or the other two kids: I want a reason why she didn’t connect.

I grew up with almost no friends but people generally didn’t hate me. I got bullied a bit but most of the time I was ignored and happy about it. When I was a kid I was very particular and drove people off due to this. When I made friends I was with other weirdos: some of whom were alone because they were just… I can only call them very weird and slightly disturbing. One of whom was a girl who’d flip on a dime if she liked you or not.

Masha in canon is goth and is there to be the ‘cool goth kid’. I would have had them be dismissive of Liz’s fondness for the Azura series and possibly the type to mock her for liking a ‘gushy girly book’ because take it from this enby: a lot of us go through the phase of shunning anything feminine and romantic to be ‘cool’. I would have a reason why two people who could have totally been friends weren’t.

Luz would be an outcast among outcasts. Just that shade of different.

I want her to have suffered in school. I want her to have to explain that it’s true no one understood her. I want her to be able to look Vee in the face to go: you know nothing. Because Vee only sees a surface and not the full sum of it. Vee who isn’t into Azura and thus gets Masha being: oh you matured cool. I want to hang now. Who goes to Camila who is thankful her baby seems able to mask now.

I want Camila to be able to mistake Vee for her own kid because ‘oh god yes she’s finally normal’. And I want Luz to point this out. I want Luz to point out to Vee the other kids said camp was prison. And that ‘you might have liked it for some reason but can you say I would have? Masha thinks I’m a freak for liking Azura. They told me I was a loser for it.’

I want there to have been a damn good reason more then we got for WHY Luz stayed in the isles.

Not to say I don’t want Luz to feel bad about lying or anything. I just want the whole outcast thing to be more apparent. Luz feeling awful about lying and about resenting her mom who does love her versus the fact she never felt safe in the human realm is an idea worth exploring!!

#the owl house #owl house rewrite #luz noceda #camila noceda #vee the basilisk #toh critical #I guess #more ‘I still liked the show it’s just that this would have been interesting’

[kremlin]

i am going to offer one thought on the situation that unfortunately does not need an introduction

please consider, in the face of the man who has suddenly adopted a polarizing political nature, my humble third perspective, which has not changed for many years, that this guy does not, will not, never did, and never could -- posses any scientific nor technical knowledge/ability

polarizing yourself like this is a great way to provide a plausible counter-narrative to people favorable to whichever side of the spectrum you chose. "oh, all the naysayers are [the others], they will say anything to harm [us, our cause]"

i don't think people who bought him for the personality he trades on, "reluctant CEO in name only who really is down in the weeds with the engineers or developers" are stupid or gullible, because the theme of this thread is "avoiding polarization and politics to measure reality"

but i certainly used to, and maybe you can understand my perspective. when this extremely famous, influential pretender adopts your field and proceeds with cartoon antics, it creates a lot of confused people [at best] and draws undeserved ire and misconceptions [at worst]

if you are like me, employed in a technical engineering capacity, never haven't been, never won't not be (elusive triple negative), and this behavior continues regardless whether paychecks come in --

someone who, from day one, said "this is my hole, it was made for me", someone who he feels these sorts of behaviors go beyond a profession and into the core of your character -- someone who finds this degree of self description *very cringeworthy* to vocalize...

here are some differences... i don't have an incomprehensible amount of money, nor an incomprehensible amount of debt. i have a regular amount of money and only a little debt

i don't have five, estranged families, i have one, good "forever" family.

i don't "spend alll nights and weekends sleeping under my desk until ...xyz". i sleep in a big bed with my wife

when i see a construction or factory worker, i don't tell him to learn to code. i think maybe i should learn construction

when my behaviors, actions, idiosyncrasies, etc fall characteristically far from the NIST perfectly spherically frictionless standard human mind, it lands in the ADHD/autism/whatever region, not in the PERSONALITY DISORDER region

i am very, very good at what i do, and have done, for decades, and the sum total of that thinking nearly certainly does not include any truly groundbreaking, unheard of, radically innovative "wild new idea",

i don't look at, say, the tunnel boring industry, or the automobile industry, or the field of neuroscience, and say, listen up dumbasses, time to move into the 21st century, we're digging with javascript, we're (not) driving with javascript, we're "going to mars" (???) \

with javascript, and get this -- we're cutting your skull open and putting electronics in there, running guess, what javascr-

i guess that's it, that's all i have to say, stop calling me a tech bro, don't talk to me about "crypto currency", don't talk to me about "radical altruism", don't talk to me about "free speech/the blue hair sjws/the chud boomers/the whatever-whatever".

talk to me about the eagles stunning 10-1 season so far, talk to me about jalen hurts, talk to me about the minutiae of your day, talk to me about drama on web forums from 20 years ago. do not talk to me about "java script". thanks. your friend, ians

oh, i forgot one -- i haven't bought 8 companies and then pretended like founded them. i founded one company, Kremlinware Unlimited LLC, that has never had any assets, employees, partners, etc...\

but makes good letterhead that will get ppl to sell me all sorts of weird things that they wouldn't otherwise sell to an individual. like a bottle of tetramethoxysilane (not drugs) or Very Specific Carbide Face Mill Insert or Weird Chinese Patent Law Infringing IC It Turns Out...

that micron or atmel want like $150 for.

[myadhdchronicles]

ADHD and Comorbid conditions

What is a comorbid condition?

Comorbid conditions are those conditions that occur along with another condition. A lot of people with ADHD have other conditions that occur with it. These conditions add to the challenges of ADHD and make treatment even harder and more complex.

What kinds of conditions are often comorbid with ADHD?

Many things can be comorbid with ADHD. Many people with ADHD also have anxiety, depression, autism, sensory processing disorders, learning disabilities, chronic pain conditions such as migraine and fibromyalgia, and even bipolar disorder. Many things can occur together so the list can kind of be endless.

My own comorbidities:

My own ADHD is comorbid with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Fibromyalgia, PTSD, Migraine, and Dyscalculia (the math learning disability or "math dyslexia") and I also believe I have some sensory issues. This makes life very difficult for me, it causes an avalanche of challenges that just compound with each other to create a perfect storm of issues to be treated. Treatment for me is very complicated and this adds to the stress and challenges in my life.

ADHD and comorbid conditions challenges:

Having ADHD and comorbid conditions causes a lot of challenges that interfere with your life. With ADHD your executive function and working memory are challenged. If you add Generalized Anxiety Disorder, migraine, fibromyalgia, and Bipolar disorder to it they are even more challenged so things like hobbies, housework, careers, relationships, learning, cooking, and more are impaired by them. It is hard enough remembering things and focusing long enough to get through all the steps of a task with ADHD alone, each condition you add to it makes it even harder to remember, focus, and sustain motivation to complete activities you need to get done. It can be hard to remember all the chores you need to do around your house from beginning to end, especially if they have more than one step to them like laundry does. At work, it can be hard to complete projects that have many steps to them, and it can be hard to focus through an entire meeting or multiple meetings. Often times people with ADHD and comorbid conditions spend time at work returning to the printer several times because they've forgotten to grab their printout more than once, or having to ask people to repeat instructions or resend emails to them a lot because they forgot what it said and accidentally already deleted it from their inbox.

Organizing for those of us with ADHD and comorbid conditions can be extremely difficult. It can seem like a magic trick when other people organize their homes, desks, bags, purses, etc. Another thing that happens is that we can organize for a day or so and then the clutter begins to return. One thing I have extreme difficulty with is keeping my desk and apartment from ending up full of piles. That is my default organization system, put it in a pile.

One thing I and a lot of other people with ADHD and comorbid conditions struggle with is finances. For those of us with both ADHD and dyscalculia, numbers are like a foreign language, we just cannot wrap our brains around them. This makes budgeting and dealing with money very hard. It can be hard for us to recognize amounts and this leads us to issues knowing how much money we actually have in our bank accounts, add to this ADHD's impulsivity and you have a recipe for disaster. We often have overdrawn bank accounts, unpaid or late-paid bills, and seem to never have enough money coming in to cover what goes out. And budgeting is a concept our brains just cannot seem to grasp very well, it's like asking someone to do calculus who hasn't even taken algebra yet.

For those of us with ADHD and dyscalculia, calculus is a math we never made it to in school, we likely got stuck in algebra or geometry so we were never eligible to take that course. For me, even elementary/middle school math was difficult, let alone algebra and higher math courses. I barely passed prealgebra with a D, and I scraped by in algebra with a C. I also managed a C in geometry and at that point, I had enough math credits to graduate high school and was unable to get into trigonometry, which was the next class after geometry. The only math I took in college was economics, statistics, and math of finance. I had to get a tutor for all 3 of them. I managed to pass with a C in economics and statistics and I somehow got a low B in math of finance. Math is just difficult. It's literally like learning Greek or something for me, a whole other extremely difficult-to-learn language.

Treatment for ADHD and comorbid conditions:

Treatment for people with both ADHD and comorbid conditions is complex and multilayered. It does not work to treat just the ADHD and not the other conditions. Treatment needs to address all of the issues, from ADHD to Bipolar Disorder, to Fibromyalgia, Dyscalculia, Migraine, Anxiety, and PTSD to work. If you leave any of them untreated, that untreated disorder will undermine the others. You also have to be careful with what you treat things with so that the treatment for anxiety doesn't exacerbate the ADHD, the ADHD treatment doesn't aggravate the anxiety, and the treatments for those don't exacerbate the Bipolar Disorder, etc.

Closing:

Having ADHD and comorbid conditions is a complex, multilayered situation that requires a variety of different approaches to treat and manage well. It has a huge impact on the life of the person who has them and it takes a lot of work and finesse to manage life with them. Life is complicated with these conditions altogether but it can still be fulfilling and joyful. Stay tuned to My ADHD Chronicles for more great information and insight into ADHD and how to live with it.

#actually adhd #adhd #adhd brain #adhd problems #adhd things #neurodivergence #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #neurodiversity #mental health

[woman-respecter]

omg i know this is a couple days later but i found your post about the people id’ing as autistic now and THANK YOU. it legit makes me feel… i’m not sure i have words for the emotions? for context i was diagnosed with autistic disorder in the dsm-4(!) when i was a little kid (which was then updated to asd when the dsm-5 was released), so i am like, Certifiably autistic. and it’s making me feel shrimp emotions that the same people who have either outright bullied me for being autistic or who have said Incredibly ableist things if they weren’t outright bullying me (again, specifically about my autism) starting to id as autistic now. the thing is i really do think a lot of them are actually autistic but they’re so incredibly misinformed and taking up so much space online it’s making me feel uncomfortable. the amount of misinformation makes me angry—i can’t really engage with autistic communities anymore because so many of the “symptoms” and experiences described are just symptoms of adhd, or trauma, or a thing that some autistic people do but that isn’t specifically a trait or symptom of autism, and actual autistic symptoms and experiences are being uwu-ified to the point that they’re almost unrecognizable. for example, i don’t know how to explain to people that meltdowns aren’t minor episodes of mutism/crying/something you feel slightly embarrassed about having in public, they’re something where if you have one in public, there’s a good chance the cops will be called on you—they’re SCARY! and i feel guilty about saying and feeling this because i’m pro self-dx and like i said, i really do think a lot of these people are actually autistic and just subclinical or with almost negligible support needs. but i feel uncomfortable expressing this… because the same people who i’m concerned about are the same people who bullied me and i’m sure they will again if i say anything. 🙃 sorry for the rant but tl;dr thank you for making that post, it made me feel seen haha ❤️

ugh im sorry you’ve had to deal with that shit, it makes me soooo mad. and ur being so much nicer about it than i would be bc i legit do not feel like these normies have the right to id as autistic for these very Normal People traits after bullying the fuck out of us real weirldos. yes i know that thats a mean and irrational thing to say but its how i feel. and i hate the loss of community that its resulted in bc autistic spaces are now filled with these tiktok girlies i cannot relate to at all. anyways im glad that i could at least make u feel seen, sending u my love 🫶

[elliesflower]

hello all you lovely beautiful wonderful amazing incredible show-stopping spectacular never-been-done-before people who follow me,

i’d like to share something a lil personal with you all, if that’s alright. tw for mental health talk below

i have loved the last of us since i first played it back in 2014. i was absolutely enamored by the story, the characters, the overwhelming, conflicting feelings of joy and pain i felt while playing, all of it. i absorbed every little bit of knowledge i could about the games, about the lore—i was so happy to have a little world i could escape to when nothing felt right in my life. while it has always been a constant joy in my life, it has been my main hyperfixation for the last three years now.

i used to write for a few different fandoms, and i only fairly recently built up the courage to share my writings with you all, in this community. the overwhelming amount of kind messages and comments i have received have been more than i could have ever dreamed possible. you all make this such an amazing part of my life and for that i am so grateful—that you enjoy my writing, that you want me to continue writing them, and that you are excited for me to put out new works. i struggle a lot with imposter syndrome, and i often feel like i am not putting my best foot forward, but i still appreciate it more than you all will ever understand, that people take the time out of their day to read my works and actually enjoy them.

when i first started writing for this fandom, in late october of last year, i was at the absolute lowest point in my life. i was hospitalized, briefly, before being put into an iop program to treat my mental health. shortly after i got out of the hospital is when i began writing i saw you in a dream. it was my perfect little dream world, in which i could escape to my silly little alternate reality, awkwardly flirting with ellie and feeling this immense amount of joy that only writing could bring me. i didn’t expect anyone but my best friend to read my stuff, honestly, so every single like/reblog/kudo/comment i received literally made me tear up. i couldn’t believe my eyes, as the number of notes grew, from 1, to 20, to 100, to over 700 on one of my little blurbs. still, to this day, i know i have said it a million times before, and literally probably twice already in this lil ramble but i am so so so grateful and appreciative of each and every person who has interacted with any of my works, and to the friends i have made along the way.

i am saying all this because i feel like i owe you all a little explanation. i know im a little flaky on my promises, which is not very cool of me :( i try my best to write as much as i can, but i only recently returned to work after my program, and it’s been really hard on me, mentally. and i’m not saying this for any kind of pity at all, i swear!!!! (i’m a big girl, really!!) ((well, that’s debatable, but i like to think i am!!!). i just want to explain why i have slowed down on the frequency of my writing, and posting. as someone with both adhd and autism, i struggle with a lot of basic everyday tasks already, so adding work back into the mix has been chaotic, to say the least.

ANYWAYS, TLDR; this is kinda just…a big, long, roundabout way of saying i unfortunately will not be posting the next chapter of i saw you in a dream tonight, per say, but it is in the works, and THAT is a promise :)

i love you all, so so so so much. thank you for being here. and for reading this far, if you made it through my rambling. <3

#this got a little long so sorry about that #but i do love you guys #and i am sorry #:( #i will never apologize for my mental health but i will for breaking promises

[restingobject5757]

This artwork is of copper in the snow with yn, the story this is from is @llamagoddessofficial

(TLDR: Lama is amazing, and her story changed my life, Thank you lama for being so cool!)

So, some background information on me. I’m a 20-year-old female who has struggled to read all my life. I have autism, ADHD, additory prosing disorder, depression, anxiety, and social anxiety. Most my life I was bullied, harassed, and hit by other students.

So just with that, I hated to read. Teachers forced me to read, and when I little, and when I didn’t improve, they just stopped trying. This left me unable to read when I got to hight school. All “real” novels I have read I have hated with a passion. So, reading, writing, and anything to do with books I hated. I even struggled to enjoy reading graphic novels.

However, I love stories, but with no friends for most my life, I didn’t have many times for people to read to me. But some years ago, 3-4, I had come across your work by chance. I don’t remember how but when I had found it, I fell in love. Like, I was taking screen shots of your work to make sure I could read it when I wasn’t able to take my computer with me. Every chapter had me giddy, sparking my love for Undertale once again. Then when I finally reached the end, I was too scared to finish it because I didn’t want it to. For fear that there would be nothing left, but then I found your Tumblr. To say I read it all was an understatement, I have them organized, just if I’ve had a bad day and want to de-stress fast. You even inspired me to start to wright my own, something I never thought I would be able to do.

But for all these years, I said nothing. Petrified I would make a fool of myself, and never be able to read your amazing content again. I made artwork after artwork but was too scared to send it. So, for years I read from the sides making stuff but never for it to see the light of day. Until a few mouths ago, my friend convinced me to make a Tumblr to try and show my work. Even now I’m still scared to the bone that somehow this is all a mistake, and I am making a big fool of myself. But I hope that I’m wrong. So, I want to express my Thanks. Lama thank you for making me, fall in love with Undertale again, and thank you for making me fall in love with reading. Btw the story was Agger(g/v)ation.

(also if its ok with you, would you like to send me more work that I have made around you au, because there is a good amount)

#undertale #art #digital media #sans #sans undertale #Undetale Au

[antifathomable-shapeshifter]

sometimes i wonder if im just autistic or if i also straight up have a personality disorder.

who knows. i'm not asking a professional.

besides, the whole system of diagnosing personality disorder is fucked top to bottom.

people who are diagnosed and/or people who find explanations in the diagnostic criteria will say things like "Don't use personality disorders as short hand for Evil Abuser Diseases" (and they're right) but also like. the guys who coined them coined them as Evil Abuser Diseases, no? They saw mentally ill people and said "Y'all are monstrous freaks, here's a label so we can control and abuse you."

correct me if im wrong, i have not done reasearch on this specificly, but like. im anti-psych. psychiatry has a super fucked past (and present). so i feel like its not a bad assumption that the diagnosis everyone thinks are for Evil People were made to be slapped on People Who Are Totally Evil Trust Me We Need To Protect Society From These Mentally Ill Freaks At Any Cost (to the patients).

im definitely not normal. i do not see people as equals, innately. that's earned to my brain. i treat people as equals, because if i don't, that gives others the justification to hurt me. i am selfish. i am kind because i am selfish. nothing i do isn't for my own self-satisfaction for one reason or another. and i cannot allow others the power to hurt me, and so i cannot allow them the power to hurt anyone.

i have a favorite person. i am partially disconnected from my emotions (likely autism). i crave attention and approval (adhd or pd? see my issue.) i hate the confusion surrounding the term empathy. "feeling others feelings". you can mirror their feelings, but it will always be your brain's interpretation of their feelings. im not saying your brain is always wrong! we're social creatures, most of us are pretty good at reading other people's emotions. but you aren't literally feeling their feelings. idk, maybe im just no-empathy. i feel similarly about romance, as an aromatic, so yeah.

all my feelings are my own. all my thoughts are my own. at the end of the day, im the only one who has my back, and i still fuck myself over frequently.

i strongly believe that there is no thing as true free will. i do believe we must act under the assumption we have it, but i don't think its real. its just that the amount of variables you'd need to keep fully understand is so insanely, impossibly large that no one can actually predict the future, or even the next action of a given person.

but a god could. a being of infinite knowledge and comprehension could absolute predict the future. all of it, forever.

life is about cause and effect. something caused this to happen, so it happened. it could have been you, it could have been your government, it could have been the weather.

its all dominoes. my brain is dominoes. im only in control in so much as i do what i wanted myself to do. i feel in control when my brain and body follow my directives and i don't when they don't. its arbitrary. i will never being able to force myself to do something when my body and brain refuse to do it. im not at the wheel. im a puppet monarch.

#ask to tag #long post #ablelism #vent #mental illness #executive dysfunction #personality disorder #autism #adhd #empathy #no empathy #anti psych #psychiatry mention #free will discussion #philosophy #compassion #god mention #id tag to avoid triggering people who are afraid of losing control of themselves but i dont know what that would be

[system-comforts]

I've been suspecting that I might be a system for almost 8 years (I'm almost 21) now and tried to do research for it multiple times, but I keep forgetting all my research. Now I'm in a discord server (not plurality related, but with multiple systems present) and their talking about it has made me aware of it again. I've done probably a ridiculous amount of research over the past few weeks and relearning everything I've forgotten (I'm scared to forget again). I almost always experience some degree (and often more extreme) dissociation and I have no distinct sense of self (I can never answer the question "who am I" without blanking, sometimes struggle to remember my name etc).

I don't think I'm the ... original inhabitant of the body (?). I think there were two before me. But I also remember what little they remember of my childhood. It feels more like "me" has changed, but to a more extreme degree than "well I've grown up". I think this current version of "me" is quite new (couple months old at best).

However I also struggle a lot with brain fog, but I can't tell if it's related or not. Based on my research, P-DID (I have childhood trauma) seems to fit but there are so few resources about it. I guess I'm just confused. I don't know how to figure out if there's more than just me. The thought "are there more than me" *feels* right but I can't seem to get further and any time I try to visualise an inner space I'm met with fog. I quite often find myself paralysed in regards to making a decision (wanting to do 5 things at once, being unable to decide on an edible food) and I don't think it can just be attributed to my Autism and ADHD.

I'm not quite sure where I'm trying to get with this ask. Maybe see if my experience is uncommon? Thank you for all that you do with this blog. Reading through it has helped me a lot.

Hey there anon. We're glad our blog has helped and we're glad to hear you've been doing your own self searching and research.

I can say that there are many people who experience plurality as you described. It can be difficult to figure out, especially if one dissociates as you describe, if there isn't an inner world or much communication, and if main fronters have switched over time. You even mention autism and ADHD, which as you said also have to be considered. I want to assure you that given all of this, you're doing a great job. It's hard to figure out these things, and your devotion and patience will surely help you now and in the future.

If you think your experiences are closest to P-DID, I encourage you to look for more resources, including blogs and posts written by those with P-DID. Seeing how others experience it might help you see if and how you relate.

As a final note, you describe symptoms like not remembering much of your childhood, brain fog, dissociation, and a not very distinct sense of self. These symptoms can be difficult to deal with on their own, whether they accumulate into an identifiable disorder or not. I encourage you to look into talking to a professional if you can. They would be able to assess your specific circumstances more closely and also help you with these symptoms.

Wishing you the best.

-mod venus

#ask #mod venus #p did #questioning

[incorrectclassicbookquotes]

I'm sorry but I have to rant. So my mother just moved down here yesterday and already she has pissed me off. So I'm literally in school for psychology right now and she learned about psychology in the early 90s and since she is no longer a therapist hasn't updated herself since then. So today someone said that Tylenol taken while pregnant causes autism and when I went to correct them, since I'm literally studying this, my mother shut me down and then proceeded to say that bad parenting causes autism. First off I'm 25 so if I want to talk I should be able to talk without my mother shushing me. Second I'm in school for this and know that autism is a genetic disorder and no amount of parenting is going to change anything. My mother and father both said that autism wasn't around when they were a kid so that's why all of this is made up. When I explained that back when they were kids children with autism were either diagnosed with some other disorder or looked at as weird they shut me down by saying well there are a lot of people with it now. Like again I'm in school for this. I've studied all of this. Not only that but it's insulting to me personally because although I don't have autism I do have ADHD with is also called overly diagnosed. You'd think they'd listen to someone who is studying this to make a living out of it, but whenever I say anything my mother always tries to say that she studied this too, back in the early 90s, so therefore she knows more than me.

#not an incorrect quote #autism spectrum disorder #adhd #sorry for the rant

[rustedskyprisms]

I wonder if I have borderline personality disorder. I know that’s a very controversial diagnosis and it’s just been turned into a fucking meme by a bunch of people, but I have a lot of symptoms, and it’s absolutely affected my life. The thing that gets me is the fact that so many autistic women get misdiagnosed with that, so it really could just be the results of autism, severe mental illness, and all the other shit I’ve had to deal with causing this.

I’m not self diagnosing or anything, but I’m also not the type of person to just suggest shit like this for no reason. I’m never going to be that “I think I have ADHD, I think I have bipolar disorder, etc” person when there are no actual symptoms for said conditions.

I think it’s very obvious how emotionally unstable I am. It’s so bad that I don’t even interact with people online anymore most of the time. I can’t handle it. I can’t handle anything. I wrote out a very long thing about all of this but sharing it just feels stupid.

I don’t know what to do with myself, I don’t know how I’m going to make it in this world. I’m in so much pain, I hate myself so much, all I want is someone to love me. That’s literally all I want. I want someone to love me and never leave and never make me feel the way everyone else has. Like it’s actually not funny or quirky or interesting at all, any of this. It’s like a drunk person who just cries and cries about how no one loves them. I have such an extreme emptiness. There’s a pain inside of me that I cannot articulate, but it can be almost physically distressing. And as I’ve mentioned, the self-hatred is terrible. I hate how fat I am, I hate that I’m disabled, I hate that I have all this shit wrong with me, I hate that I can’t have “normal” interests, I hate that I feel like I can’t connect to anyone. It’s just so ugly. The only thing I actually enjoy doing is getting fucked up. It doesn’t matter if the experiences can be terrible, if they hurt my body, that’s a genuine love that I have, and my relationship with drugs is so unhealthy. It’s like the idealization shit I do with people is done with that shit as well. I’m not sexually active, but I have very unhealthy views of sex, like I have these fantasies of having like six different men in my life, not because that’s what I actually want, but because I desire the validation. Like I’ve had so many issues with men because I just want one of them to like me, and it’s really pathetic and unhealthy but it doesn’t leave. No amount of feminist theory or any of that can get these feelings out of me.

I just feel like an ugly, worthless child. Nothing positive anyone tells me is enough, I can’t let all the negative go. It’s all I focus on. Whether I actually have this or not, all I know is that I am extremely fucked up. It’s not funny, it’s not interesting, it’s not cool, it sure as hell has not made me “hot”. It’s just painful. I’m always in so much pain. It’s affected my relationships with others, because I don’t have healthy views of other people. I feel bad for everyone I’ve been close to, whether in person or not, because it’s hell. You never know what you’re going to get. I can go from literally spending a bunch of money on someone to not interacting with them at all, and it’s all me. It’s not them. It’s that I do not have healthy perceptions of other people. And I feel so bad for dragging them into this, so I’ve just stopped. I’ve just started to be really shut off from everyone, because I can’t keep doing shit like this. It’s bad for me, it’s-well, I don’t know how it actually affects them, but the whole dynamic is just unhealthy. But it’s not them, it’s me. In my head, it’s them, but rationally, I know it’s not.

This is a major reason my relationship with my sister is so bad. She has a ton of issues too, but the way I view her fluctuates a lot. I love her more than anything, but I’ve also felt extreme hatred for her. She’s hurt me a lot, so that’s relevant, but the way I view her is really weird.

I don’t know, holy shit, like the more I examine myself, the more I look into this, it sounds a lot like me. Not all of it, but a good portion of it. But it might not be that, I might just be very, very, very emotionally unhealthy. But if it is, yay, more shame. Another thing I’m going to hate myself for.

My question is, why the fuck do people think this shit is funny? Or “hot”? Or some aesthetic thing? It’s hell. And I hate this “female manipulator” shit. I really do. Not every severely mentally ill woman is some hot, thin person with a blog and an apparently “edgy” but actually very safe taste in media.

[kimyoonmiauthor]

My operating system is different from Yours

At turns people have thought I had ADHD or have features of autism, but when I test for those things it doesn't end up being true. It's still ND. It's probably a branch of HSP with some other things.

Examples...

When I was bullied in kindergarten, my reaction wasn't "these are horrible kids" and when they asked me "where Korea was an it wasn't a real country". My reaction was, "OK, why do you believe that way and what made you think that way from a historical basis. Because my parents gave me the typical reaction kids would usually accept:

These kids are horrible They are being mean to you.

But I wanted to know WHY and HOW these kids had come to believe it. And then my parents said the typical thing: "From their parents."

OK, from their parents, then were did their parents get it and Ah, they were stuck.

Maybe I was born to be a social scientist? I could not process my grief at children being mean to me without the base cause of their beliefs.

How I make recipes such that it looks like ADHD on the outside:

Say I want to make truffles...

This is how I tackle it...

Collect as many truffle recipes as I can find—this looks like utter chaos, tbh.

Dissect the ingredients and amounts list.

Figure out the aims of the person who made the recipe.

Figure out the history of the recipe.

Figure out what the ingredients are doing there in relation to the oldest recipe.

Figure out what the origin of each ingredient is in history and how it came to be in the recipe

Deconstruct the entire recipe through food science and the aims of the recipe.

Reconstruct the recipe towards my own aims and goals.

Figure out the weather and the general mood of the people I'm aiming towards.

Make the recipe by putting my own spin on the recipe.

To which people say... this looks like utter chaos... and why do you have to make it so complicated for yourself. But see, I was able to adjust the recipe towards the final aim. Make it towards my own aims and goals to fit other people's mood.

See, it looks like I've gone down a huge rabbit hole at turns, but then I'm back on the path. And look everyone I have my answer. And through X and X and X and X sources, this is why it works. And everyone goes. "You used a recipe didn't you?"

So historians would probably recognize this as part of the process they go through, but I do this with about everything?

If there is no answer and I could find it by doing it myself, then I'll go and do it myself.

It's a sort of hyperfocus where I can't let it go. OMG, why can't you just let it be and accept everyone else's explanation.

Because I can't. I can't let it go. People keep making up excuses for why this thing is that don't make any sense whatsoever.

So it's not let's grow a pothos.

It's where do pothos grow. Oh they grow there. What is their humidity and environment in that range? Oh it's that. How did it come to the United States? Oh, it's that. OK, are the cultivars I own different species? No/yes? If yes, were they invented here? No/Yes? Give me the basics of propagation. Why do they not flower? How do I induce a flowering pothos? Could I induce a flowering pothos?

And most people by this point go, "Just read the wikipedia page." To which I go, OK, but I need to know if the sources are good. Where did the sources get the info from? If they attribute a source can I check the source.

YOONMI GIVE IT UP the crowd would usually cry.

And at the end of it, I've nerded and geeked the hell out of it. And now I'm a specialist in pothos. (BTW, they grow in the rainforest normally, but are tolerant of drought... and they don't flower and there is a Youtube video that explains why, but me being me, I cross referenced their claims while watching the video.)

But then people assume up front I know nothing and acquire knowledge like the rest of humanity... but I don't? I hyperfocus, ask a ton of questions, examine sources and if the sources are wrong, then I get down to work.

This is how I ended up doing story structure and focusing so so long on trying to figure out why these other stories don't jive with the "God" of all Story Structure. And I'm constantly correcting myself along the way to find ways to consolidate the information into good bite-sized pieces, but also trying to make sure it's not wrong.

Dead end... What's a dead end? Dead end is where I've run out of paper trail, there is nowhere to turn. I can't ask anyone and if I crawled across the face of the Earth I still couldn't find the answer without a fucking time machine. Haha. Only maybe CGP Grey (Youtube) knows this feeling. After all, he flew to New York City, took a boat, to visit a house, which was closed, and then to find the grave. Totally something I would do. But I'd be back to find the head of the society and see if I could track them down and email them personally at their work or try to find the premiere expert and ask them.

Yeah ummm... so I'm usually the person who is trying to not info dump you at those parties you go to, and pretending that I'm like the rest of you because if I info dump you, you're likely to think, "Oh, you're arrogant and think you know better than me." And also along the line of, "God, I'm so bored listening to you info dump on the kind of soy sauce and why they taste different." But TT I want someone to geek with me about soy sauce and I didn't know by hyperfocusing I would be left with so few people to talk to about this thing.

With kimchi... I figured out the food science by getting the recipe wrong on purpose. lol Because I couldn't find the papers that broke down the parts, and so, I was like, welp, nothing for it, gotta figure out why the steps are this way and how much leeway I have.

So over the years I've gotten used to being all by myself on the geek scale. Which is when I try to shut up and let other people speak. Ummm... how do I explain that I pattern sweaters on the fly because I figured out how to deconstruct it without particular instructions but parts from five different sources?

Yeah... so... uh, how does everyone else approach it? A recipe? A recipe? Yeah... uhhh... I deconstructed the form of the recipe.

Yeah, I think this explains why I like story theory so much? Maybe?

#neurodivergent

[atowncalledher]

Hey Everybody! I'm Noelle, the host (mostly) of our system. I'll probably be the one posting most of the time. We are definitely plural, but honestly idk if we have OSDD or DID or what, and idk that we'll ever get a diagnosis of anything. Undiagnosed autism, ADHD, OSDD/DID, Anxiety, and probably other things too lmao. I run this bitch like a freight train made of cardboard and duct tape nothing bad can ever happen to me.

Anyway rn we got

Noelle - She/Her. That's ME!! Transgender, gay AF, self destructive in the amount that she cares about other people.

Taylor/Sky - She/They. Also a lesbian. Court Has affectionately dubbed her a Hallmark lesbian looking mf.

Courtney/Court - She/They. Bi? The goth teenager we never got to be lol.

Saai - He/They transmasc nonbinary. Just a little guy, likes to be wrapped up in blankets like a little burrito. They like boys.

Leo - He/They cis guy. Bi. His voice goes SO DEEP wtf

Tau - He/Him. His name isn't Tau, it sounds like if you layer the Tau (pronounced like Tah - O) with the word Mile. But I can't make that sound with my mouth and idk how to write that out? I can kind of say it in our head but like. idk dude. So we're just calling him Tau for now.

Savannah/Star - They/Them nonbinary. They showed up like one time and insulted me a little and completely fucked off? WHERE'D YOU GO!?

And others that we're not going to talk about for privacy and safety reasons!

We've only known we were a system for like a month, so this is all very fluid still. We've had alters like split and fuse already so this will probably change lol. Also probably won't be tagging all our posts with who said what. Honestly we don't even know half the time.

Our primary creative outlet is music, so that will undoubtedly show up here. We also like writing and we want to get better at drawing, so we'll also probably be posting that too. And of course oversharing about random things that no one really cares about. That's what Tumblr is for, right?

[lunarsilkscreen]

The Infantilization

The title is gonna make you think "of Women" thanks to today's discourse. You might even add "by Men" or if you're really cheeky "especially by trans women who are just man-children in disguise and trying to find an excuse."

That last one speaks to what everybody already knows, every single person acts like a goofball from time to time. Man/Woman/Etc. The core factor is knowing when it's time to be serious. Because you don't always need to be.

However, I'd like to take a look at how people with so-called "disordered thinking". ADHD and Autism especially. Look at how they're described, how they're treated, and the expectation that they "cannot exist in normal society."

One line: "They have no executive reasoning."

And then the speaker goes on to describe an ADHD child using executive reasoning in the context of video games. They gloss over the content, the context, or the skills involved in the game itself.

They completely believe that Video Games have no value outside of being a cartoon with a controller attached. And even then, they believe that one CANNOT consider the themes and morals as one would after reading a book, or even critique the work as art, like every single other art form.

That's how out-of-touch they are. They need a class of of people that "can't function without punishment" so they go towards the children with "developmental issues" regardless if it's warranted.

Not too long ago, and even still today, we KNOW that standardized testing was created with a race-bases bias in mind. An examination of what the authors *think* you should know, but not an examination of what is actually known.

And, to some residents, before English was the standardized language, would give it to citizens who did not speak English!

And even after making English a standardized language, expected non-native speakers to speak English as if it were the only language they had ever spoken.

Completely defunct of any biases imposed by those authors.

A proper argument acknowledges one's bias. If you don't, you're considering yourself to be a perfect judge of character and intelligence. Something that has been proven time and time again to only ever be a flawed kind of thinking.

And there's a bias, a huge one, that says "I am incapable of having this flaw that I am talking about currently" and demonstrating, unequivocally, that you do have that flaw and are blind to it.

This includes institutional biases introduced by our predecessors, whether intentionally or not. And denying that one can be biased about what they are speaking is akin to admitting maliciousness when eventually, you make a mistake, or negligently cause harm irreparable.

I point out these flaws in people for a reason, not because I think I'm not flawed, but because I see the damage currently being done by negligence through certain words and actions. And yes, at times I'm clumsy with my words.

But that does not mean they should not be said, and that doesn't excuse you for your own inelegance.

You are speaking on introducing consequences that you yourself would not face because you fundamentally disagree with how somebody thinks.

Were this a person who could not stop themselves an uncontrollable desire to injure or kill others you were speaking about, that would be one thing. But it's not, you're speaking on what amounts to imprisonment because somebody might disagree with your understanding of how time should be used.

And thus creating a problem three-fold.

1) a person who cannot think or act like you, or emulate how you think they should act, requires punishment.

2) a person who solves problems differently than you, no matter how correct, has a disorder.

3) a person who cannot think in the correct manner should be put in an institution where they can be made to think "correctly" by force, if needed.

This speaks to the "jobs nobody wants to do" debate that's common these days, and maybe all days.

Where people were imprisoned in order to do a job that didn't pay anything, because the job was necessary, and nobody wanted to be paid so little for the work. The necessity of being paid for your labor is the quintessential meaning behind capitalism.

And this thing fills the gap when there are not enough criminals to be punished.

This, by the way, is what many parts of the world call "Liberal Thinking". To close that gap in understanding why Lib is often used as a bad word, when so many people use it as a banner of peace.

In the U.S. however, that "Liberal Thinking" is found in many a conservative state. Just look at every republican who wishes to make more criminals to work for prison wages so that their state can turn a profit.

The prison industrial complex isn't dead yet. And slavery by any other name is what Ted Cruz calls freedom. Because he wants the freedom to cross into Cancùn as a refugee, where he would refuse those from Mexico for the same reason. He did it even, remember that time Texas had a power outage, and he flee'd the country? Not to a warmer place with power, not to a place he knew with a backup generator, he left the entire country. And to a country he agrees when Trump says is full of "undesirables"

This is the kind of thinking that our leaders are not immune to. The people that we hired to be self-aware when that line of reasoning and fear is crossed.

Where was I, I seem to have gone on a wide tangent.

When you don't acknowledge your own biases, your own fallible reasoning, and your own desire to put people to work for free, that you know should be paid a reasonable wage for their labor, that creates Infantilization of a populous. And, at its worst, a need to create an underclass based on an arbitrary line of reasoning.

All starting at how you look at children and determine their "inability to grow up" while simultaneously doing some of the most pettiest s* imaginable.

[romantic-flora]

TIME FOR ANOTHER LONG ONE

Buckle up ladies, gaydies, & theydies, cause Flora's a LITTLE MAD today.

You may have seen my post about River recently. Well I still haven't heard from her but this isn't a tea update I just have A LOT OF FEELINGS about this situation.

So sit down, shut up, and open your ears to one autistic motherfucker raging about social queues.

Like I said before my date with River was probably the best first date I've ever been on. No actually is FOR SURE was. The conversation and flirting had so much chemistry - we couldn't wait two hours to kiss, we had to get it out of the way at the table. She was just the right amount of forward to be exciting but not overwhelming. The dom/sub dynamic flipped back and forth too many times to count and both of us loved being on both sides. And we're not even talking abut the sex yet (it was fantastic too). We share so many interests and she's a more-than-casual enjoyer of my *special interests* so it didn't feel awkward devoting a huge part of our conversation to them.

She read me so thoroughly and clearly - even with Luna, sometimes I feel like they can't quite grapple the way that I think (head full v head empty), but River consistently helped me finish thoughts that I was having trouble articulating and explicitly enjoyed it. There's a deep satisfaction to be found in being able to reach the same conclusion as someone without having to say all the words - for those of us who have brains that move way faster than our bodies. On top of which, River has been in a relationship with a transgirl before, so I didn't have to worry about answering questions or doing simple education.

She's brilliant. I say that in no attempt to hyperbolize. As someone who begrudgingly accepts the title of genius autism (I got both Smart Girl & Obsessed With Dumb Shit Girl versions in roughly equal measure hahaHAHA FUCK) I find it very difficult to connect with people to don't match me intellectually. This isn't a flex, it's alienating. I just can't be engaged in a conversation where I'm never being surprised or interested by the other person's thought process. Believe me, if I could go back to the start and reroll my stats, I would fucking bottom out intelligence. River, as I've probably made clear already, can more than keep up. I love playing word games over text, in person, as flirting etc - so to sit down with someone who has a degree in linguistics??? Come on. The whole experience was just so deeply refreshing and entertaining.

And I THOUGHT I was talking to someone super emotionally mature and interested in getting ahead of possible hurdles. We had already been discussing our second date before going on our first. She brought up dating goals, and I said I was looking for some emotional and intellectual fulfillment. She said she'd been out of a long term relationship for 6 months and wasn't looking for anything serious right now... but... that we had clicked way more than she was expecting to with anyone and she could see it going somewhere. I said we should keep things chill for now then & have another conversation about it after a few more dates. Seems good right? Being upfront about expectations and comfortable discussing feelings???

WELL I GUESS NOT. After a few more drinks we went to my place and had sex. She stuck around for a few hours of chat & cuddling after. I paid for her uber home - she had a job interview the next morning. She sent me a few texts on the way, and a cute goodnight message when she got home.

I simply cannot put into words how excited I was to have someone I didn't have to compromise on any of my standards for. AND she's super into me in return??? Too good to be true.

It's been 4 days and I haven't heard from her. I'm not blocked. She read my first couple messages (I've sent...3? & a post). She's pretty offline in general, she has ADHD, and I knew she had plans this week.

Luna says to give an ADHDer a week and to not assume anything until then. I'm struggling with that because for the three days prior to our date, our communication was very consistent. Easily hundreds of messages per day. And I knoooowwwww that's because I was top of mind.

Bottom line I have no idea what's going on, & everyone is telling me to be patient. It's a slow sinking feeling though, as with every hour a bit more hope slips away. I'm really hoping we'll bump into each other at an event tomorrow & I can get a better picture.

______________________________________________________________

Time to talk about my feelings. Gross, I know.

I cannot help but feel frustrated. Lack of resolution to situations drives my anxiety I N S A N E. I cannot help but assume the worst. The timing is very conspicuous. I'm used to Luna going dark for a few days at a time when they get busy, but RIGHT AFTER our first date doesn't feel neutral, it feels intentional.

The way I see it, there are two things that could be happening, if it's not forgetfulness.

River lied to me. About all of this special/different shit, so that she could fuck me. I would have said no to a hookup - the only reason I wanted to have sex was because I thought we were going to keep seeing each other. I might be a slut, but I'm a slut with desires. We had originally said we weren't going to hookup on our first date... Some would say if you're having that conversation ahead of time, you're definitely going to. We were both just so excited and into it. I don't think River is the kind of person to do this, but ALSO she's a stranger I met on the internet a week ago, she could be lying about anything. This option makes me quite upset, but it's easier to process because the rational outcome is anger. Anger doesn't make me anxious, I can handle it. So I'm having a couple days for feral girl rage while I wait out Luna's recommended waiting period.

It was too much too soon & she got scared. That I can absolutely understand - I would want to talk and settle that in a mature way that keeps us talking. If she just got too excited and the sex was more than she wanted in retrospect I totally get it. But WHY aren't you talking to me? Is this how allistic people deal with discomfort? Just walk away from it? From a really really good thing? That's BAFFLING I simply cannot comprehend the thought process. I've ghosted people before, but only people that I've had like one mediocre conversation with, I could NEVER do it to someone I actually liked. And if I had FEELINGS for that person... even if you're not comfortable pursuing them right now, why would you throw away that option??? I am filled with such tumult at the thought that she could HAVE feelings and be CHOOSING to avoid me. That's so terribly anxiety inducing. I just want things between us to be stable and comfortable, we can take a step back, we don't have to have sex until you're ready, we don't even have to see each other that much, just TALK TO ME.

River. We could be so fucking good together. Now or whenever you're ready. I'll wait if you want me to. Just don't leave me in the dark. I think you were being honest when you told me you had an amazing time. I don't want to believe you're a liar. I'm going to pretend to be mad so that I'm not anxious, but whether it's good for me or not, the second you text me, I'm going to be so relieved and understanding of whatever you say.

Unless it's something I have failed to consider. This is a tangent, but I'm so sick of having to be the Bigger Person. I get upset about things. I deserve apologies. As much as anyone else. Fucking annoying how being mature makes you kind of powerless in relationship dynamics. Maybe I need to be less desperate and set some better boundaries. In fact I know that's true. But I also have a larger underlying issue, one that River articulated to me more clearly than I had thought about it. I like to talk to people close to me about my achievements, small and large, I like praise and I like to show off a little bit - my ego comes from the fact that I don't get the praise I need from the people I want. And I'm not sure how to solve that problem without filling my inner circle with people who appreciate me more. If you have any tips on how to not desire praise, let me know I guess? And none of this "you only need your own praise" stuff - I already think I'm the greatest <3

Well no poetic ending to this one. I'll update after the event tomorrow on whether River shows her (beautiful) face.

Smitten & hopeful,

Flora

[daevite]

For the autism asks: multiples of 7

sorry for late response aaaa

7. Do you find it hard to make friends?

yeah tbh. even w/ the friends i have made going back to school they are not like...people i spend a significant amount of time with or have frequent conversations with + they usually came to me in some sense rather than me coming to them + they're usually also autistic and/or have adhd so we kinda vibe (though there are some autistic people i've met who i really clash wish) + a lot of them i don't feel especially emotionally connected to i'm still fumbling around in the dark when it comes to genuine connections with others

14. Are you currently in school?

yeah - i'm attending a uni to get a BFA in digital arts! and i'm very happy i made that decision because it has drastically changed my life for the better (the social aspect/experiences more than the education part. maybe that seems to contradict the above on its face but i have much more of something approaching a social life now than i've ever had before even if i still feel like i struggle with socializing.)

21. How open are you usually when it comes to being autistic?

i'll sometimes drop jokes or hints about it if it's at least semi-relevant (e.g. a coworker the other day jokingly called me 'ocd' since i seemed to have a strict system of organization to how i do things at work but i told him i was autistic - he wasn't exactly joking because he apparently though i said i had ocd at one point??) but that probably goes over the head of people who aren't like autistic themselves or sensible about the matter since allistic people have basically turned things amounting to "i'm autistic" into a meme phrase. if i meet someone and they share that they're autistic or that they think they're autistic i'm usually upfront about it at that point.

28. How long do your special interests usually last for?

the way i personally conceptualize "special interests" is something that'll probably stick around for the foreseeable future, whereas something like a "hyperfixation" is a brief obsession that might sometimes re-occur in "episodes" if it's "triggered" again (not the bets terminology but the best i can come up with.) the latter usually happens with media properties and doesn't really revolve around me collecting and sufficiently absorbing information. i would say that like abnormal psychology (specifically, like, mental disorders - especially those related to trauma or specifically complex/chronic trauma) have been one of those persistent interests that i store a lot of information and can recall pretty easily + one i still engage in to this day. the special interest stuff doesn't occur "episodically." i can rattle off facts about a lot of psych stuff all day but i seldom ever want to have an extended conversation about like dragon age or mass effect or fe3h because those are more "hyperfixation"-like where the interest can be "re-activated" but it's not as accessible to me as a special interest.

35. Have you ever used a weighted blanket?

nooo but i would love to have one...pressure stimmy good.

42. Tell us something about your special interest.

this sent me digging to find the paper again but i can't forget this one bit that i thought was pretty interesting: expressions of rage or other strong affect associated with what we understand as borderline personality disorder are primarily externally-directed (e.g. angry episodes due to "splitting" in the bpd sense where one might lash out against an attachment figure/"favorite person") while expressions of rage or other strong affect associated with what we understand as complex dissociative disorders are primarily internally-directed (e.g. internal reenactments of trauma by persecutory parts of the self, and even in the case of external reenactments, said external reenactments are usually self-directed.) i find this whole paper personally important because it helps me understand myself and my relationship to borderline personality disorder as a diagnosis better (as in it explains why bpd is not a helpful framework with which to understand many of my personal mental experiences irt my identity issues and dissociation.)

48. What is your favorite special interest related item you own? Show it to us if you want.

incidentally it might be "coping with trauma related dissociation" or "the coping book." most of the psych-related books i own are in the vein of self-help (like the complex ptsd workbook, dbt workbook, etc.) rather than based around research, though i read like eBook downloads of some more research-oriented ones like "the haunted self" for example.

#asks #sadhoc

[lord-of-the-margins]

This Blog

So what I think I’m going to do with this blog is discuss my thoughts on having DID and being a system. A system is someone with dissociative identity disorder - someone made up of multiple personalities. I’d also like to talk about trans issues because I identified as trans for a long time before I discovered I had DID. I did feel and suffer from gender dysphoria and learning that I had DID has made the pain of gender dysphoria recede to a remarkable degree.

You know the funny thing is I could legitimately use they/them pronouns. But I’m not going to.

When I first heard of multiple personality disorder/DID in a serious context, I thought it was a load of shit. I thought this woman supposedly flipping through a slew of personalities on YouTube was just starving for someone’s attention. This was an embarrassing cry for attention. A few steps short of playing pretend.

When I realized I had DID, it felt so incredibly surreal. As if my actual life were a cheap B movie. I had overturned everything, sacrificed everything, just to learn this cheap twist?

I was sitting on some steps smoking a cigarette, rolling the idea around in my head, and I wondered – if it was true and there are other people inside me – could I hurt them? And I felt a cold pang of fear from the center of my chest. Completely unrelated to my current train of thought, or rather, it was opposed to it, rather than accompanying it. That was scary and I was scared.

Trying to talk to other personalities was embarrassing. I felt like I was playing pretend. Why not have a tea party with some stuffed animals while I’m at it? I felt very silly. I…talked to the voice in my head and we decided he needed a name. Something short and Greek or Roman. Fine.

I did a bit of research, found a few good options, and slept on the matter. Later, while on a walk, I chose a name, and was awash in a wave of gratitude and ecstatic love. Overcome to the point that I felt weak at the knees. It must have looked really funny.

So what I can tell you is that if you feel someone else’s emotions, you may have DID. Maybe. Or something else entirely. Guess I’m not telling you much.

The personality who is writing to you right now – me – I’m the host. Every system has a host. This is the personality you’re likely to meet if you ever meet a system. We’re usually the sensible, reliable ones who need to handle everyday life. We pay the bills, we make the appointments, we go to work. At least I do. Other systems could be different, but usually the host is the responsible one.

The host isn’t necessarily the original self. I’m not. I was created to be a protector. And honestly, knowing I’m a part of a system and I have…people(?) within my being to protect has endowed my life with a lot more meaning than it previously had. I felt very empty for a long time and now I have them. For better or worse, I’m never really alone. And I like the idea of providing for them. It’s deeply fulfilling.

When I hear aphorisms like “the answer lies within,” I suppose that is what I’m doing. Going within. But I’m so dissociated that it feels like reaching out to people I’ve verified are me. They feel like other people and I have mistaken them for completely separate beings before. Going within feels like reaching out.

Also, some of them have autism and I don’t? I do have a fair amount of ADHD. Always have. But I’m not autistic and yet they are. So…make of that what you will. The mind is truly a remarkable thing. I try not to dwell on the existential ramifications for too long.

 With all that said, I’d like to talk about trans issues.

I felt the pull of masculinity from a young age, but I really began leaning into being a transman sometime around 2014. I really tried to dress and act in a masculine way. Even so, I never felt compelled to get bottom surgery. Top surgery, hormones, sure – I was tempted. Anything to display to the world how I really felt inside. But messing around with my genitals? My legacy? No. Absolutely not. Whatever I had down there had to be respected as the vessel of my progeny. Learning that testosterone can in fact impede pregnancy (shocker) is what made me set my dreams of transitioning to rest once and for all.

I may one day get top surgery, but only after my breasts have fulfilled their true purpose of feeding my children. Even then, I’m not going to be completely flat. Probably an A or B cup. That’s as low as the system will let me go.

I do explore some strange terrain in my life, but there is an unspoken part of me that is quite conservative and holds me to conservative standards. And I abide by those standards.  

Where did this instinct to be a man come from? Easy. It came from my true self sometime around the age of four. She was being horribly abused and wished her Dad was there to protect her. I am the product of that wish. Of course I was also the same little girl and it took a lifetime to fulfill that wish.

Systems often do this – become families for themselves. And so I became my Dad.

I didn’t know that for a very long time. But I’m the designated man in a woman’s body and it was excruciating. I hated it. Every time I came close to definitively deciding to transition, some little part of me would say “no,” even though I craved to be recognized as a man. So around and around we went. Back and forth for years.

It probably doesn’t sound healthy to a normal person, but systems are encouraged not to get too attached to the body. The body is a clown car shared by all of us. The body is a lovely temple we all inhabit and it rarely reflects who we all are. Most of us won’t feel adequately represented by the body. But we should take care of it and keep it in good condition as an expression of love for our family.

Crazy, huh?

So the gender dysphoria has receded as I’ve come to accept that I’m part of a whole and cannot impose my one identity on a body shared by many.

 What I’d like the youth to understand about my queer ass is that I am a product of severe abuse. My gender identity, my sexuality, my fractured memory and sense of self, all of this is a product of horrifying abuse. In fact, I don’t think I’ve met anyone belonging to the LGBT community who can say they weren’t sexually abused.

I thought there were LGBT individuals who weren’t abused because I was one of them. But that’s not true. I have DID and DID likes to hide the abuse.

Because of this, I don’t want to normalize the LGBT community and I don’t think they’re valid like heterosexual couples because they appear to exclusively be a product of abuse. The Right was indeed right. It’s true.

 I never plan on living my life openly as a system. Even if the stigma of mental illness wasn’t there, I see no reason for it. I get by just fine when people assume I’m like everyone else. I plan on using she/her pronouns until the day I die. It just doesn’t bother me like it used to. I don’t feel like I have the right to tear societal conventions to shreds to reflect my inner state. I think it’s a pretty selfish thing to do. Conservative conventions are healthy and a good fit for the vast majority of humanity. I want to uphold a healthy society. While I may try to explain my condition to be better understood by others, I do not want to restructure society about my mental illness.

 I’m going to continue to share my thoughts about the trans movement because it honestly feels like a nightmare at this point.

#DID #dissociative identity disorder #trans