#like seriously if some rich dude that isn't a tumblr bot would be my sugar daddy i would legit take that opportunity

[saybees]

Ugh, my mother acts like a rich person, it drives me nuts.

She texted me a photo of her new microwave mounted above the stove and she said that now the stove looks ugly and she wants to get a new one.

It works. It works very well. It functions flawlessly aside from the little screen not showing the time anymore. It's the exact same stove we have in the house we are renting. It's older than me, but it works brilliantly.

I am SO tired of listening to my mother complain about this kind of thing. She's lucky that she has the money to be able to buy new appliances whenever she feels like it. She can repaint the whole house on a whim. My mother complains that they are always so tight for money, but they clearly aren't. They just don't always have the disposable income my mother wants so she can constantly be spending money on stuff she doesn't need to buy.

I have been poor for EVER. Even when I was living at home and I had my parents supporting me I didn't have an allowance or a job (lived out of town and didn't have a car) so I could never spend money. I was lucky to get a $100 bill from my grandmother when I graduated high school. That was a lot of money to me because I never had any. I had to rely on my parents for everything, which is fine, they provided me with what I needed and they did contribute quite a bit to my first couple tries at post-secondary education.

But I have been on my own for a long time now. I have always barely made enough money to get by with a little bit of spending here and there that I probably shouldn't have done, but did anyway because life is short and I want to enjoy things.

My mother was telling me once about how since her and my dad both retired they were only getting $[REDACTED] from my dad's investments and it wasn't enough for them to live off of each month. All I could think was HOLY SHIT because it was twice as much money as I had ever seen in a month and I could survive on it more or less fine. But that wasn't enough for my parents to sit at home doing nothing?? They don't have a mortgage anymore, that's been paid off for several years now. They both have newer vehicles that they got gently used. They have a new tractor my dad went out and got himself, real fancy. They really don't have much for expenses aside from hydro and car payments. Like it blows me away and it makes me so MAD that my mother acts like such a rich person and she can just go and spend that kind of money like it's no big deal while I'm struggling to pay for university that might get me nowhere, but I had to go and do it because I was going to have a complete mental breakdown if I stayed in retail any longer.

It just hurts, I guess, to see my mother living so frugally while I'm struggling. Even my little sister makes really good money at her job that she somehow stumbled into and I feel like such a loser because I'm the only one that's really struggling financially.

I feel like my mother put too much pressure on me to go to university and "make something" of myself. She always drilled it into me that she wanted me to be better off than she was and have what she didn't have, but so far I'm living in more poverty than she did. She pushed me to go to uni when I wasn't ready and I ended up wasting all my money and blowing through my small trust fund. I have nothing to show for it. My mother always put so much pressure on me and I have always felt like a failure.

It's just really hard. I don't want to be in the place that I am. Everyone else is doing much better than I am, but I'm the one that took risks and went out into the world. All it did was burn me.

And now that I'm in uni again I'm struggling through some of my classes and I'm probably going to fail at least one and have to redo it, which means paying another $1000 and spending another 4 months going through the same material. And that's only if I fail the one. I might fail another one yet.

Like my parents are by no means actual rich people. They're very middle class. It just bothers me that I have to work so hard to get nowhere and they have done so little and are so comfortable. I don't think I'll ever get to a place like that.

My sister struggled through grade school, but now she has a killer job that she makes fucking bank at. She bought herself a newer Jeep last year. While I have a 25 year old truck with 260,000 kms on it. Don't get me wrong, I love my truck, but if I had the money to spend on something newer I probably would.

My sister is also autistic, but that doesn't seem to affect her life at all anymore now that she's out of school and I'm here just now figuring out that I probably have autism and adhd and it's making my academic career a nightmare right now. I'm having such a hard time with everything right now because of that and I reached out for help and was completely shut down over it.

I just look at my life and the lives of my family members and I feel like I'm the only one that's ended up in such a crappy spot. Everyone else is so much better off than I am right now and it sucks. I know I shouldn't dwell on it and this is just some depressive episode triggered by a text of a microwave, which is really fucking stupid now that I put it into words, but I just feel so miserable. I feel like I'm stuck and I don't know how to get out. I thought university would help and change things, but so far it hasn't.

I just want to do the things that I love and be surrounded by people that I love, but that's such an impossibly distant goal at this point. I want more from life than this. I want to not have to worry about money anymore. I want to be free to do the things I want to do. I want a job that isn't going to drive me fucking bananas and pays well enough to fund my hobbies. Why does that seem so out of reach? Why can't life just be easier? It seems so easy for everyone else around me.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure can solve a lot of the issues that cause me to be fucking sad.

#personal text #this turned into a breakdown oops #very long #if i had money id be the happiest motherfucker around #because i could just take photos all day and work in the darkroom whenever #and i could just cruise around in my truck looking for stuff to take photos of #that would be the cure to my depression #being able to just create and do the one thing i really love the most #like seriously if some rich dude that isn't a tumblr bot would be my sugar daddy i would legit take that opportunity #probably wont get my hands on any real money any other way #i wish i could sell prints of my photos and live off that revenue #i don't forsee that taking off though since i don't know how to market on social media #i also just really don't like social media at fucking all #anyone wanna buy some of my photos? #pretty please? #i should put together a gallery somewhere #i guess there's my instagram