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#like pre-pandemic I was just disappearing and I wish I could’ve seen that and appreciated it lol
slutabed · 3 years
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#tw: body image#tw: eating disorders#oof I knew I’d been gaining weight lately and I’ve been trying not to weigh myself#and working from home was fine bc I was just in sweats all day LOL#and now my work clothes are mostly fine except the pants that didn’t fit bc things aren’t cut to be so form fitting for work#but I went out with my brother and his wife last night and we took pictures#and fuck I look horrible#and it’s not even just size like there are people bigger and smaller than me who look amazing#it’s just my body I look fucking horrible and misshapen and awful#and my perception of myself is so off bc I thought I looked okay recently#but like last year I thought I was enormous when I was losing weight to the point that my ex was like ‘where did you go??’ when he saw me#like pre-pandemic I was just disappearing and I wish I could’ve seen that and appreciated it lol#bc now I look fucking awful and then I saw some family today for a socially distanced bday celebration#and in the pictures#god I hate it so much#it’s like everything about me is just wrong#skin hair face eyebrows body#i can’t hide behind filters in real life and without them I truly look like a monster I don’t even look human#and you’d think I’d be old enough by now to not care about looks!!! looks shouldn’t be important!!!#except I’ve been skinny and bigger and I’ve been cute & blonde and I’ve been whatever I am now#and people fucking treat me differently based on how I look and it’s awful to know now I’m back in the ‘doesn’t deserve respect’ category#I’ll delete this I just#it’s always harder to be bigger in the summer bc clothes are smaller and it’s hot and I’m just uncomfortable in my skin all the time#I want to be swaddled in at least three layers of clothing and blankets at all times
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