#like making sure I eat. even when it’s hard. making sure I challenge my negative thoughts. journaling.

[ashleysmessyjourney]

22 Months Messing Challenge Update

Okay, so today I learned that 1 cup of coffee helps move things along and helps make me do my thang in my diaper. However, adding a glass of cranberry juice throws my tummy into overdrive and totally clears me out in a way that I don’t like. You ever feel like you totally clear yourself out then your body is like, “Go back to the potty right now cuz you’re gonna poo right now!” twenty minutes later?

Guess how many diapers I went through because of that? Four. Four diapers because each time I thought I was good. I waited in my third diaper after messing to make sure that I was as empty as I could be, then changed. I’ll give you one guess as to what happened next.

Since I have sensitive skin, I used gobs of Desitin rash cream down there so I could practice staying messy for longer and longer periods of time. I want to be able to tolerate being messy for a bit longer than I’m comfortable with because there may be situations in the future that keep me from changing as soon as possible.

I’ve started making notes of places that have bathrooms that are “safe” for me to change in, saving a long list of places on my phone with Google Maps for my local area. I wear plastic panties every time I go out if I’m anticipating a messy accident. Even then, I sometimes wear one just to be safe. Feeling safe, and using things to help me feel safe, have been really helpful in this challenge because it gives me the peace of mind to keep pushing forward. It’s been almost two years and I have not given up.

I know I need to get over myself and stop worrying about changing a messy diaper in public but it’s so nerve-wracking. It’s scary; just as scary as it was getting over changing a wet diaper in public. However, I’ve been searching for single room bathrooms where only one person can be inside at a time. Changing a messy diaper in a stall would just suck and be so scary.

I went out to a local Mexican restaurant with my parents last week. I’ve always loved eating nachos, especially if they’re drenched in queso. I’ve been eating them less and less as of late because I have a near-immediate negative reaction to them now. Yes, I know I’m stupid for eating them but I can’t help it sometimes; I just have a need to eat nachos. After we had finished eating dinner, my stomach was twisting itself into a knot so tight that I knew I was going to make a mess in minutes. With my home so far away, I was glad when they got up to go. I scurried back to my car with a slight waddle, praying that I would be able to make it home in time so I could mess in the safety of my home.

I didn’t make it.

It’s been getting really hard to hold #2 these last several months because I’ve conditioned myself to let my body take care of its needs. It’s what the diaper is for, after all, and I no longer view messing as a negative thing. I was able to make it to the fourth stop light from home before I tried to pass a little gas. I think you can guess what happened. Since I felt so much relief from letting some out, and since the light was still red, I lifted my butt off of the seat and pushed as hard as I could. The relief came almost immediately, though my stomach still churned like it was telling me I wasn’t done yet. I winced as I sat down in the hot mess, trying to keep it from squishing up front where my sensitive bits are. It wasn’t the solid kind of mess that I prefer; it was the complete opposite. 

I will admit that the sheer helplessness of the whole situation was a huge turn on. Being unable to keep myself from using my diaper like that, even though I fought hard and valiantly, was all useless in the end. My body knows that I’ve been wearing diapers for so long that it just knows by now that it can do whatever it wants and I’m fine with that.

I showed up to my home with a very full diaper. Thankfully, I had worn a pair of plastic panties, so I wasn’t smelling anything at all. I was super grateful that I didn’t notice any of my neighbors out and about; I would have avoided them like the plague at all costs if they came near me.

Lastly, I've been considering doing challenges to lessen my time since I have so much time left. I'm thinking about doing erotic hypnosis tracks that'll help keep me going in pursuit of my messing goals. Some may include messing on a trigger word, messing at night, and more. I'm still looking around. I was thinking listening twice would take off a week's worth of time and once the effect has taken permanent hold, I'd take off a month's worth of time. I want to keep this challenge fun and interesting.  

If you’d like to keep this challenge going, you can send me gifts to add time onto the timer. Check the pinned post for how much time stuff adds.

Wishlist

Thanks for reading!

Current Ending Time: April 11, 2026 (2 years, 10 months more!)

[distortedataraxia]

"Life isn't just about fun."

Y/n x sk8 the infinity (platonic)

wordcount : 14,587

Type : one-shot

Warnings : mention of hospital accident, school related bad memories (?) swearing/cursing, negative thoughts, and i think that's about it!

Author note : Hi! It's been really long since i posted, i wanted to challenge myself to write something way longer than usual, and i've been pretty down in the dumps so it's hard staying active. I'll get to your requests soon, i'm sorry it always take so many months for me to catch up to them! I hope you'll appreciate it nontheless, it's the first time i write a one-shot so long, don't hesitate to send in a few advices if you want! I hope this isn't too much out of character and that y/n can be relatable. It's not easy writing a relatable y/n. I tried to have a moment for each characters but kinda failed, i hope that's okay and that i can write each of them better overtime! Well, now that's out of the way, i hope you enjoy! ★take care ★

The summer holidays have been good, despites the overwhelming heat making you sweat to your heart content.

You could handle the heat with your friends around you while making sure to stay dehydrated, really, whenever you went to see your friend weither it was to eat at a restaurant, harass shadow, skate around random places, try new tricks, race at S, discuss about skateboards and make skateboards : you could rarely every worry about the heat. It's like the heat never existed in the first place, but of course, as soon as you get home you will inevitably notice a shower is reallly necessary if you don't want to turn into a glue stick human form of thing just by sweating.

Time really does fly by when i'm around my friends.. you think to yourself, the summer holidays are coming to an end very soon..

And every nights i feel it.

This is going to be a long night for you, a very long night.

There is no better feeling than staring at a wall with closed eyes. If that makes senses.

In fact, you couldn't really sleep, you kept waking up every 2 hours, scared of missing your alarms, afterall you'd be bummed out if you were to miss your first day of school. It's not that you enjoy going to school at all, it's just that if you'd miss the first day of school you'd probably get into troubles with your parents, and you'd feel double lost at school, which isn't so cool to be honest.

So you kept trying to sleep, rolling around in your bed to try to find a comfortable position, and… stay here until you stop crying. Because yes, tears were leaving your eyes right at that moment, your eyes were burning and your head was hurting and it was hard to sleep. Breathing was a bit troublesome, it might seem dramatic, but you still felt all of these wandering emotions anyway.

You had some fears concerning school, or a lot of fears. You remembered all the bad years you spent, having to complete your homework in time and stay good enough to your teachers and parents no matter what, forcing yourself to try to even listen to the teachers' lesson and remember it, having to suck up all the weird looks from your classmates whenever you answered something dumb or did something weird from their point of view, while you had to look unaffected whenever the teacher or your classmates said something dumb… School wasn't a place where you could be yourself, it wasn't a place where you could express your opinion, it's not a place in which you're ever good enough, not a place where you feel able to develop any sort of potential if you had any, and it's not a place in which you had fun at, if anything, all the bad years at school were just taking colors away from life, a lot of colors. The endless homework to finish at night wasn't so pleasant aswell, you could remember the allnighter or allnighters to catch up on your homework or lessons. Hours of class felt more like a black hole sucking up all of your energy, what was the use of having energy and going through the day if you're going to do this your whole life? Was something you thought more than once or twice.

What if it happens all over again?

You really hopped to stay in the same class as Reki and Langa this year, but it wasn't for sure, you guys could be picked to be in different classes for all you know, why do you have to even change classes every years? It's a breeze when your class sucks but not when your class is actually somehow not that bad. And what about all the new people?

When you weren't in their class, you could recall zoning out more, dissociating more. Strangely enough, they usually seperate people from their friends so that they focus on the class, but you're more prone to focus if your friends are here, let alone, if they ask for your help with any homework, you feel a kind of responsability and a will to help, so your grades uncounsciously got better so that you could help out Reki who's being late on classes because he's staying up late to skate at S and barely listening at class, so you could also help out Langa who's having struggles taking notes and understanding everything, because even if he spoke japanese, he still had a hard time to adapt. But even if your grades were to be lower or not different, it felt way better when you were willing to work for it not just to not get in troubles, but also to help your friends. Maybe it wasn't entirely for you in that case, but it already felt better.

But whenever you mess up and feel unable to help, it feels bad. You actually had a bad dream once in which messing up continuously during group projects with your friends led them to burst into tears because it was really too much.

There's just, a lot of things to worry about. You have to study about your future, you can't just skate all day long and have fun with your friends, and they'll be fine without you, life isn't like that, it's not just about fun…

Ah…

You stared blankly at your arm.

You absolutely dreaded this day. School for you was like a survival game, you'd play, try not to fail and lose just like you'd go to school everyday and try to keep everything up to just not fall apart.

Well, to be honest, last school year was a bit more manageable with Reki and Langa around, surprisingly enough, they made your days at school usually less boring, and if the all three of you guys were unhappy or not doing good, you could complain together ; About the teacher's teaching methods, the way this or that spoke to you, the way you got caught watching skating videos instead of reading-

You could really cool down a bit with them around, things were way less stressful than they could have been. And somehow you felt more productive with less pressure felt.

So, in the end, maybe it wasn't that bad, you could get to spend more time with Reki and Langa, and you wouldn't have to die to the summer heat.

Or maybe not, maybe you won't end up in the same class, maybe you won't feel brave enough to sneak your phone between your pages to pretend to read anymore, maybe you won't be in a good class, maybe you'll get picked on by your classmates and maybe-

afterall, it is true that you could spend much more time with Reki, Langa AND your other friends outside of school, if they weren't on vacations without you that is. School can be a real seperation factor for friends, and it sucks, it can be very isolating.

But school is important, nontheless.

I think.

Are the all-nighters productive? Are they healthy? The stress, the social fears, just… everything overall that comes from school, except the time you spend with Reki and Langa and the rare lessons where you learn something that is actually helpful for you.

Probably not.

You've tried not to think about it, but really, the more time passes, the less you're able to sleep well or spend your days without worrying as to weither or not you're making the best of the summer holidays, without feeling guilty for doing nothing when the heat is killing you or you're tired. Time is so scary, the meaninfgul times fade away so fast, and you lose so much occasions on making the best of your life, time always gets you.

Finally, the morning came, you could hear the birds sing, the sun was shining through the curtains, making you regret ever opening your eyes who were now burning at the burning source of light, you wanted to hide under your pillow and blankets and never see the light again. Why get up when you can just sleep ? Your alarm rang, it gave you a headache, a headache that'll follow you probably all day long, you had to get up now. Goodbye to the everyday without worrying of what's coming next day. What a life.

I mean, everyone has to work or go to school, it's society, it's just life, there's nothing to complain about, be grateful that you have it easier than some people. Or even, most people.

Besides, you still have Reki and Langa right? It'll be okay, right? Even if you don't end up in the same class, you could look up to every ends of the days to skate together and every mornings to skate together, same for the free time.

That is, if your schedules aren't too different and if you even have the energy to skate and hang with your friends, you could remember days in which as soon as you'd get home, you'd fall to your bed, fall asleep and skip dinner, only to have to catch up on your homework in another stressful morning and find something to eat in the fridge your family emptied the night before.

School is back. Holidays were great, but everything came to an end. Nothing ever last forever, does it ?

You yawned and tried to stretch yourself to wake up but your eyes were shutting tight, your every single thoughts begged you to fall back asleep and rebel agaisnt whatever keeped you awake, before you knew it, 5 minutes already passed. If you wouldn't have put multiple alarms to wake you up every minutes, the amount of time in which you were late would have greatly multiplied, by ten maybe, well, if you were never late because of that ; that's because you skated very fast to school or ran. These alarms really pain you but they still save you, a great plenty of time, you probably would have been late right now without them. On the first day of school, your sleep schedule is not even set on time.

Be grateful.

You sit up and get up, feeling every ounce of your body wanting to fall down and just lie in the ground to sleep, you try your hardest to motivate yourself to get dressed, making a mess out of your wardrobe, you'd have to clean that later and put your clothes in order, or deal with it and have your parents scold you for it until next holidays, but really all the thoughts that came to your head were negative, you didn't even bother to think about your friends yet, you just wanted to sleep it off, sleep it off so much you wanted to cry, get away from reality. As you kept getting lost in your thoughts, your arm hits your wardrobe and furnitures.

Ouch. The hit was a bit brutal, you were stressed and you were scared. Your arm felt like it was burning, why did you have to get that arm hit and not the other? How lucky can you get? Is it a lack of luck or is it just your problem for not sleeping enough?

And before you know it, you already have to leave your house in 5 minutes. 5 fricking minutes, and you just got dressed.

Mornings were really fast, especially if you're as tired as you are right now. You could get up and leave your bed and you already have only 10 minutes left to somehow get dressed, eat, brush your teeth, check that everything is ready, make sure to use the toilets, wash your hands, and happily get out of the house with your skateboard to get to school! How you loved going to school every mornings!

Well, last year you could feel positive going to school most days, it's the year when you met Reki and Langa at, one of the most liveliest years of your life. But now that you know them, you rather spend time with them outside of school.

You were tired, completely tired, your heart was beating fast, so fast and hard it was hurting, like some sort of drums inside you, the bat would dum- dum- slap your heart out just to keep you awake. You could barely keep your eyes open, your hair was a mess, all you wanted to do was hide yourself under your blankets until the school year ends. You only want this to be a dream, it's just a bad dream, school never existed… Is hiding and denying all you're ever good at?

But maybe that's a bit harsh, isn't it ?

What a great start of the year, surely the year wouldn't go well if you kept that up.

You didn't have time to eat breakfast, or else you'd be late, so you started walking out of your room and you fought the stairs. Not literally don't worry, we respect stairs here

As you were about to step out of your house to get to school you receive a message on your phone on a groupchat. A groupchat between you, Reki and Langa.

"Y/n, we're waiting for you at our usual spot, where are you?? :("

You smiled, for a second there, you felt like summer holidays were still going on. You felt as if you had nothing to worry about. Your friends were really important to you, they held a special place in your heart. And they made you look forward to everyday, everyday felt more like a pleasant surprise with them around. Maybe just maybe, you don't have to worry about this school year.

Or maybe you do, maybe you do have to worry about this school year.

The messages having reminded you to take your skateboard, you grabbed your skateboard after turning off your phone, almost forgetting to take your skate, almost forgetting about how you got into skateboarding and almost forgetting the entire last year you've spent with Reki and Langa. Too busy overthinking about the past years before that one.

Maybe it was better to expect the worse to not have your hopes crushed, but would that make you happy?

You put your phone in your backpack, left the house, and pushed to get to your skateboard, trying to be careful of where you're riding despites your attention span being lower, trying to keep your foot well positionned and not accidentally press your back foot against the tail of your skateboard which would make you.. fall off if you press hard.

Skating was a bit harder this morning, the thought of school came back to you very soon and it drew out your motivation fast, very fast.

You were really tired so it was hard, but the thoughts of your friends cheered you up a bit, so you skated to your usual meeting spot, thinking about how Reki and Langa must be waiting for you right now. And soon enough, you recognized a shining red-head and a outstanding blue-head, you surely couldn't miss them by accident even if your vision was blurry, not a lot of people around there has had their hair dyed.

You wondered, would reki's head shine more with no hair or does it shine more with red hair?

They finally noticed you skating towards them, they turned to you, it seems like Reki was staring at his phone while Langa's head was peeking over his shoulder to see the screen. You waved at them and they waved back, you smiled instinctively, until you suddenly fell of your skateboard and rolled down the floor, making sure to protect your head while trying to keep your other arm safe. But you still hurt your arm, which is sadful.

"Ouchhh-" you yelped, usually you'd laugh whenever you fall of your skateboard, it was silly, you fell off because you kept your eyes on your friend and not the floor. You liked them just way too much. But you just didn't feel the energy in you to laugh, something just didn't click inside, you couldn't laugh. Maybe you're just grumpy because it's the morning, maybe you're just not in the mood. Whatever it was, you didn't feel the willpower to laugh it off as you usually do.

"Y/n !" Reki screamed running towards you "Don't be reckless, you hurt yourself at your last race ! " he crouched down to your level "here, let me help you" he took your arm and checked your bandages "did you even change them!? He asked frantically, eyes focused on your bandaged arm, as Langa walked towards you and caught your skateboard for you. —I forgot. you answered, in an honest and tired laugh, it was so hard getting even dressed in the morning that you forgot to check your bandages. —This can't be good.. The redhead sighed and looked at Langa Langa, pass me the bag Langa tossed him his bag over, hitting Reki in the face Ouch ! That wasn't cool Langa ! he complained —Sorry, i didn't mean to, are you hurt ? The blue haired boy panicked —No, i'm fine, anyways… Reki's hand searched for something in the bag Ah there it is ! He got his hands out of the bag and took out a disinfectant and some bandages Now let me check that."

Reki always had this sort of thing ready in his bag, as getting hurt is common when you skate.

He inspected your arm and your wrist, your bandages were getting red, he got rid of them to check your injuries "Oh they're healing faster than i thought, even though they should have already been healed, thank god they're still healing though. But you're bleeding." He smiled, almost motherly to you, making sure that you don't panick, the thought of reki as a mother was very funny to you as it crossed your mind, but the cursed images of reki being pregnant following your thoughts were more cursed than funny "I'm gonna have to use disinfectant, Just tell me if it hurts okay?" he uses the disinfectant carefully, you groaned in pain a bit but it was fine. "There we go." he then proceed to put some new bandages over your arm and wrist, and Langa complained " you never took this much care of me whenever i bled. —You never got really that injured, you only ever bled, it's nothing we all bleed from time to time when we skate. Reki tried to explain himself, still focused on your arm. —You let me faint. —Oh shut up, i panicked and ran to you for the record. —Like a prince in a shining armor ? you asked, randomly, Reki stopped bandaging your arm for a second, only a second, and then he continued bandaging your arm. —I wasn't charmed, I was already uncounscious. Langa argued —Are you falling in love with Reki or something Langa? You wanted to be charmed? You tried to tease him, Reki just finished bandaging your arm and jumped over to turn around and put the stuff back in his backpack, seeming a bit agitated and quick to hide his face, he then spoke —Don't say things like that y/n ! We're bros, nothing like that —I was speaking to Langa, not you. —Oh you get what i meant ! "

You didn't continue trying to tease them, this was largely enough and you enjoyed the way Reki was talking to you but turned away from you and Langa was just staring at the both of you completely zoned out, dumbfounded.

They were really fun to be around with. Your morning was already much less depressing, Reki really cared for you and Langa did too. You reallly hopped to be in the same class as them, even if you felt like a thirdwheel, you don't want classes schedules to disrupt your common routines.

For a moment there, it felt like you guys were already in the same class, but would that be too optimistic? Should you actually hope?

"So… Are you guys, perhaps… excited for school ?" you asked, curiously. They looked like they had much more energy than you, it's as if summer holidays never actually ended. Their face looked so bright, they seemed so happy and careless, as if summer never really ended. Reki and Langa looked at you curiously, finally, Reki spoke ;

"Definitely not. —Eh!? How can you have so much energy then!? I don't get you. —Personally, Langa speaks I'm excited whenever i can spend time with you or Reki, and school is important to me, i need to improve my japanese skills and understand how things work around there. Langa explained, honestly. —Right… Well, as long as i'm not a thirdwheel. —Don't even say that word, it makes me think about my final race with Adam. Reki groaned thinking about it, he acted like he was going to puke, Langa chuckled. —Was that race this bad? You were really good. —It was fun but.. I really don't enjoy skating against Adam and you know that Langa, i don't get you, you almost died when racing him down that crazy path last time ! —Oh, that's true. Langa recalled, having actually forgotten this detail —You really looked like you were falling mindlessly, you weren't even moving and then you suddenly moved and took your skateboard and won the race, what even got into you? You really scared me you know? I was worried. You both are crazy, you got injured last time too y/n Reki spoke, with a genuine troubled expression on his face. —Reki, you get injured much more than i do. You spoke, with a stern voice —The word fun saved me. Langa spoke, out of the blue, with full honesty in his voice —What? You mean the word fun we put on your fixed skateboard?"

Reki turned to Langa with a curious face. You looked at the time, you guys were already going to be late at this rate, you coughed "guys, we're going to be late." your tone was a bit harsh, but you really didn't want to be late.

"Oh crap! Langa, y/n, let's go ! " and there you guys went, skating to school, fast.

Your friends looked very energetic, it killed you that you couldn't be as energetic, honestly, it's been a few days or weeks since your energy drastically dropped to the thought of school, and you couldn't tell if your friends noticed, but you were afraid to be a burden to them. They were shining so bad, and you were starting to feel like you were staying in the dark, maybe you always were in the back afterall, but everytime, it seemed Reki, Langa or Miya found a way to cheer you up or make you feel like you belong.

Reki and Langa did a few ollies and some random tricks while you just cruised. It's crazy how they're late and still able to flex, have fun and pull up some tricks. Well, it was like this last year too.

You met Reki and Langa at school, and met your other friends at S, and these friendships really made your life much more brighter. Could it be constantly the case though? What if they were the one brightening up your days - but you weren't the one brightening up their days ? That thought hit you a bit inside, like a small bullet passing through your body, but slowly, and with barely enough pain, you felt a small wave of negative emotions, it hurts a bit, but you felt a bit empty, in a way.

You felt the air pass through your lungs, burning, as the cold air hits your face, and finally, you reached school. Somehow you made it despites the overwhelming feeling that the air is so heavy it'll crush your bones.

School is back. ~

You slid your skateboard behind your backpack and walked to your assigned classroom after the school announcement concerning the begginning of the year, you were not in the same class as Reki and Langa, of course.

That's not all that mattered though. Your grades mattered too.

You're not going to die by working a little and spend less time with your friends, come on. You could still spend time with them nontheless later.

Before you go, you exchanged a small wave in Reki and Langa's direction, they waved back; these two were in the same class it seemed. Maybe they were better without your grumpy-self though. They seemed much more happier than you were, were you just overthinking and dramatising everything?

You reached your classroom and when the teacher told you to, you sit down, taking the sit at the back, avoiding to talk to anyone. Why bother? Approaching people isn't on your to-do list at the moment.

The class was already loud and obnoxious, just like a circus. You paid no attention to the noises and as to avoid getting bothered by the noises, you stared at your desk and zoned out, thinking about all the times you went skating with your friends. It was the only thing you wanted to think about right now.

Despites your efforts to not be bothered by all these voices, you still heard a few people talk

"The manager of the fruit stand always sat and only sold vegetables —What!? You mean the fruit stand down your street ? —Yes, atleast the vegetables are cheap. So me and my mom always go there the saturday mornings. —I wouldn't buy my vegetables there if it was a fruit stand only selling vegetables…"

This random conversation you heard was completely unrelated to school, you sighed, but who were you to care? It seemed like people knew each other, you were probably going to end up alone this year, is it so bad though?

The teacher coughed and asked for everyone to be quiet, and the class continued talking. Why were you even here? This is supposed to be the first class, usually during the first classes people should be quiet, atleast on the first classes of the year. But who were you to talk? You can't lie, you really wished you could talk to Reki and Langa like this right now, but you guys aren't even in the same class.

Between all the talks you could hear, you heard another one, still completely unrelated to school, there was a brown-haired girl talking to a black haired boy, the girl looks cute you thought, the boy spoke : "Why do you LoOOooOOOoOve me Stanley? —I like your blue eyes. She replied as if it was a sufficient reason to like someone —Why did you only tell me now ? He stared at her with his PieRcIng BlUe EyEs —I didn't want any new girls stealing you away from me. Your classmate declared in full confidence —…Wow so possesive grrr~ He said before the two burst out laughing —You're so stupid the girl chuckled, a smile on her face —Stupid for you ? he asked, playfully "

And there you witnessed a newborn couple that was probably going to last a few days or weeks, on the first day of school.

Everyone didn't look like they cared about the first class. You wished you could not care aswell, but you cared, you cared a plenty lot, this was supposed to be important. You couldn't not care with all these anxious thoughts going on in your head.

Why can't i see? you thought to yourself, wondering why you couldn't see things the way your other classmates did. Everyone else seemed so much more happier than you did. Why do you have to be like this? Why can't you see things the way they see things? Why do you have to mess up so bad on this?

When you finally stopped your thoughts and snapped back to reality, you noticed the new couple stopped talking and were looking at you whispering some things. Shit, you stared too long. You quickly turned to look at your desk.

Finally, after some time the teacher managed to get the class to be silent, he presented himself, talked about how everything works this year, and asked everyone to present themselves one by one, to break the ice… apparently.

A girl on the left front beggined ; "My name is Mallory and i love riding horses on my free time. —You mean men? the boys snickered"

Long after that, it is finally your turn to present yourself.

"Uhm, i'm y/n.. and i love skating with my friends. —You have friends!? Someone random in the class exclamed themselves, even though they barely knew you for even an hour, some people laughed and the teacher told the class to be quiet"

It's crazy how people make assumptions on even people they never talked to and saw for only minutes of their lives. This is gonna be a long class, ice breaker wasn't really working out, was there even ice to break to begin with?

School is back, i guess. ~

The class ended, it's finally free time, you went to sit on your skateboard at the rooftop, the place you, Reki and Langa discussed going to if you were ever seperated at school and wanted to meet up. Eventually, Reki and Langa walked up to you.

The class was long, everyone was loud and judgemental, it was… definitely great.

"Hey, y/n" Langa spoke with a gentle voice "Wanna go skate in the playground ?" he asked and you looked at him, with a frown on your face "we're gonna get in troubles again, and i'm injured, for you to know." Langa insisted "But you still skated this morning despite your injury, and it could be fun, you seem down, come on come with us" he almost pleaded, you couldn't say no to him at this point, reki finally spoke "I mean it's your choice if you don't wanna skate i understand, but you're acting just like you were when we barely knew you, come cheer up a bit with us, won't ya ? If we get in troubles i'll take the blame if that reassures you." you looked at Reki, with a curious look on your face "How can you even take the blame for something like this ? —I don't know, I'll come up with something. Reki shrugged, you looked at the floor, a bit hesitant, but ended up saying —Fine fine. you saw the boys' eyes light up —Let's go then ! "

You stood up and took your skateboard with you.

You guys ended up skating at the corridors before reaching the playground, of course, a teacher was there and you ended up having to run away from a teacher with your skateboard in hands. You guys were caught as always and got in troubles, Reki did his best to put the blame on him but it didn't work out, now you three have to stay after school and help the janitors clean, atleast it's better that it's the three of you guys in troubles than only Reki. Ah, and the teachers took your skateboards, Reki literally groaned and Langa looked like he was going through all the stages of grief at that moment.

"Oops? Reki muttered under his breath when the teacher finally left you guys I hate cleaning He complained innocently —If it's with my friends i think it's okay, i help my mom clean the house most times. Langa said, looking as if he was recalling all the times he helped his mom with the laundry, the cooking and the overall house chores, as her husband died, Reki turned to you and spoke —Sorry, we didn't want to get you in troubles, we just thought you'd cheer up a bit since the first school day doesn't seem to be going well for you- —How was your class guys ? you asked out of nowhere, after having zoned out, cutting reki's speech off as if it was nothing —Huh!? Oh uh, i don't know, i didn't really pay attention, the window was more attractive. Reki answered, taken a bit off guard you didn't pay attention to what i was saying thou- —You mean the reflection of Langa next to you was more attractive? —How did you- i mean, no homo though. Reki scratched the back of his head, a bit embarassed, these two were so obvious, you stared at Langa, he seemed zoned out —Langa ? you called to him, he looked at you and then he said —I'm confused. —What are you even confused about ? Reki asked, with a nervous voice —I'm confused: when people ask me what's up, and I point, they groan."

You facepalmed.

"Dude?! When people ask you what's up they ask you how you are, not what's literally up ! Reki spoke, dumbfounded —Japanese is difficult. Langa remarked, thoughtful, looking at the ground —You mean english is difficult!? Reki retorted, remembering the many times Langa tried to teach him something in English —I guess any language can be difficult for anyone."

You were not participating in this conversation, staring in disbelief at Langa.

you zoned out, thinking about the way your new classmates were staring at you in class, and all the whispers you heard in your direction.

"say y/n, how was your class ? Reki turned to you, curious I mean, you're not in the same class as us and you asked us so.. —It was fine. "

Your answer was short and automatic, you know that tone and voice when you reply automatically and it's technically you talking but it doesn't feel like it's you - like you don't even think the words you say but somehow they leave your mouth as if they were the complete truth ? As if you had to answer this specific answer at all cost to protect yourself and act like it's the truth, so much you replied without thinking ? That's exactly how you felt when you spoke, and you hated it. You couldn't control it though, your brain decided it was best to lie.

And yeah, maybe it was best, Reki and Langa didn't have to know about anything, you didn't want to make them feel akward. I mean, it's always this way, whenever you feel the slightest bit down, everyone is always akward or replying "ah" or "oof" or "Sorry", it's as if what you said bothered them in a way, and you just didn't like it.

You noticed Reki and Langa exchanged a glance, did they notice your weird behaviour and caught on your lie or is it just a gay-type of glance ?

You continued talking, trying to sound convincing "I mean, the class was rather loud but it was pretty funny, there was this newborn couple and the guys joked around a lot-"

The bell rang, it was time to seperate again. Thanks god the bell interrupted you, because you didn't even know what you were saying. Still you didn't want to go back to the classroom, you wanted to stay with your friends.

"What? Already!? Reki complained, looking like he was going to be out of his mind if the bell rang one more time —Please focus this time Reki, instead of staring at me. Langa remarked, blankly, it took Reki off guard —I wasn't staring at you i was staring at me ! He defended himself, he put his arm over Langa's shoulder and tried to coonvince him I was staring at my hair because i thought about getting an haircut, you know ? You noticed sweats appear very fast on Reki's face —Right. Langa spoke, half-convinced You never changed your haircut in over a year, you only ever take your headband off when you're mad at me. —Let's go to class now, i need to tell you something. Reki changed the subject and started walking away, before turning to you and waving See you on the rooftop at lunch y/n ! "

You guys waved at each other, and you went back to your class. It was loud, once again, and you could hear a bunch of random conversations again, unamused.

"My uncle's favorite pastime was building cars out of noodles. —How do you even -"

"You know my favorite song? It kinda goes like this, tired of explaining, as these seasons keep on changing —Is this even Japanese…? —No it isn't."

"Which is greener, purple or red ? —Red is greener than purple, for sure. —Look at that color circle, purple is closer to green than red is ! —Does that even mean anything… Purple is made by blue and red, why wouldn't be red greener ? "

"What do these results on this quiz mean ? —You're like the peanut butter. The creator said so. —Wha- but i wanted to be a cheese! so that i could be cheesy with rome- —You're not always who you want to be."

The teacher eventually got the class to quiet down and called for everyone's names one by one to check weither they were present.

Your name wasn't pronounced, weird. But you paid no attention to it.

The teacher begun with an history lesson, a classmate raised his hand and asked something, he wondered why at 18 he was old enough to go to war, but not old enough to buy cigarettes.

You couldn't focus, your head was heavy, until eventually, you noticed the teacher was looking at you.

"Uhm, excuse me.. he called out to you, not pronouncing your name, he coughed, akwardly —Yes ? you asked, a bit taken off guards, were you going to get in troubles for not listening ? —What's your name ? He asked, a bit unsure of his question, staring at a paper, the class was looking at you —y/n l/n —Hm let me see… no you're not in this list. The teacher remarked Weird… What class are you supposed to be in ? —This class sir, it was written on the paper. you show the paper and the teacher examinates it, he looks embarassed —There must have been a mistake somewhere, maybe this is why Aoi haruka isn't here, let me contact my colleagues."

The class was silent, and after a few minutes, an adult came to the class to pick you up and lead you to your class, when you left the classroom, you could hear whispers in your directions, the adult apologized to you explaining your name got mixed up with someone else.

You walked with the adult, reaching another classroom. They knocked on the other classroom door and explained the situation to the other teacher.

"Please excuse me, we mixed up the names and got two students mixed up, i'm here to put y/n l/n here and take Aoi haruka to her actual class. —Oh uh, it's okay… Aoi haruka, please go, and uh.. y/n l/n, please go sit down"

The teacher looked a bit embarassed by this situation.

You entered the classroom, a bit nervous, everyone was looking at you, you looked at the whole classroom to search for a place to sit at, and saw a girl standing up with her backpack and stuff and leaving the classroom, it must have been Aoi Haruka. You looked at the seat, it was next to Langa.

You were in Reki and Langa's class in the end.

You could feel immense relief when you realized, and went to sit down next to Langa, Langa and Reki looked at you curiously, there's a paper on Langa's desk, there's sentences with a very good japanese writing on it next to bunch of badly written japanese sentences, Reki and Langa were probably passing notes about something, you could read a few words from the distance, but only a few, you managed to read your name and the words mission and lie.

What were they planning? When you think about it, what if they were talking behing your back like the other people who you thought were your classmates probably did ? You decided to shake it off, you were probably going too far. You want to trust Reki and Langa… Don't you? Aren't you a good friend?

…

Yeah.

Reki whispered something to Langa, and Langa then leaned his head towards you to whisper something to you.

"Reki asks what are you doing here —My name got mixed up with someone else, i was apparently supposed to be here"

Langa leaned his head back towards Reki and whispered to him what you said, Reki gave you a thumb up.

You smiled. Maybe you were luckier than you thought.

And maybe they weren't.

the class passed, it was way much better, the other class was kind of funny to be honest, but it was really tiring on the first day and they didn't seem to like you so, it's really better this way, and you get to be next to your friends.

But you need to focus on your school work don't you? You can't always hang out with your friends and have fun, life isn't like that, you need to work and be responsible. Be grateful you have it easier than other people, make the best of your school time because it will be harder once you start having a job.

Ah… right.

The teacher talked and you started taking notes, struggling because your wrist hurt, this is the wrist you usually write with, it's injured since your last race at S. Langa looked at you.

"Do you need any help ? he asked, with a calm expression on his face and a tint of worry —No it's okay, i rather not bother you, besides i can't even understand your writing. you whispered back, a bit harshly at the end, you internally slapped yourself for it. —L/n, is there anything you want to share with us ? The teacher spoke, looking at you, your classmates looked at you, you hated it —Uhm actually sir, their wrist is injured, so i was asking them if they needed help. Langa spoke instead of you —Thank you Langa but I was asking L/n to talk- —I CAN HELP ! reki raised his hand and exclaimed himself —Alright… Thank you for your enthusiasm Reki… the teacher replied, looking like he gave up at this moment —Sit next to me, y/n reki spoke —Ah yes… Langa, could you please exchange your desk with l/n's for the class from now on until their wrist heal ? —Yes. Langa moved and you guys switched desk, it looked like Langa was a bit sad to not be next to Reki anymore, but he was happy to be of help in any way —Thank you, Reki, Langa you mumbled, Reki smiled to you —It's nothing "

You got injured after a race at S a few days ago, you were racing Reki. You weren't doing so bad during the race until you thought that if you got injured maybe you wouldn't have to deal with school, and coincidentally, you lost balance, rolled down to the side, and hurt your arm and wrist. Reki was upset and worried and your skateboard continued rolling until it fell off a cliff and you never saw it ever again, but Reki had a spare skateboard for you, thankfully.

The class passed faster than the last class, Reki helped you and took notes for you, though he was pretending to take his notes about the lesson, his notes were mostly about skateboarding if anything, he looked more focused to help you though. Reki seemed kinder to you than usual, it's not that he's never kind, he's always been kind, but it felt a bit more insistant this time. ~ The bell rang, you put your stuff in your backpack and Reki helped you.

"Y/n" Langa spoke, you turned around to face him "yes ? —My stomach hurt. He said, Reki closed your backpack and walked up to him, concerned, he asked —Did you eat anything weird this morning ? Do you want to go to the infirmary ? —This morning, I ate a sock because people on the Internet told me to. You stared, blankly, trying to process the information, and Reki exclamed, in disbelief —What people on the internet !? Langa you can't listen to everything the people tell you to do, how did you even get yourself to eat a sock!? —It didn't taste good. —No kidding it didn't taste good! Langa look at me, did you swallow the whole sock ? —Yes. —So that's why you were having a hard time skateboarding earlier! "

To be honest, you didn't even notice this, but now you were worried for your friend, Langa. And you let Reki speak to him and explain to him that: no, eating a sock isn't safe.

Langa was really something, he was still skating better than you this morning even though he swallowed a whole sock, how did he not choke? ~ Long story short, he got drived to an hospital. For eating a sock. Because people on the internet told him to. Reki looked mad.

You were sitting on the rooftop with Reki, you both were silently eating.

"Langa really is reckless, he scares me"

Reki broke the silence.

You contested : "I don't think he's scary —That's not what i meant, but i mean, sometimes i literally have nightmares because of him, he can't go on and accept every challenges people offer him, i mean, the race with ADAM and now the sock? What's next is he going to mess with the FBI or something!? —I wouldn't even be surprised at this point.. you sighed —Right? I wonder what goes through his head, i mean, what's fun in eating a sock? —I don't even want to imagine. "

And there's a silence again. Until Reki broke it once again, looking at you with a stern look on his face.

"y/n, you won't be as reckless as him right ? —Huh? —I mean, last time you raced at S you got injured, we were racing, y'know… —Well hey, atleast you won ! You tried to reassure him —I want to skate with you but i don't want you to get injured, you know, and you just fell off so suddenly, it didn't even feel like it was an accident if i was honest You felt yourself internally panick, you didn't even know yourself if you did it on accident or on purpose. —No, don't worry it's just a silly little injury, it could have been worse. you tried to reassure him, Reki shouldn't be too worrieed about this, it's not like he never gets injured, he was injured for half of the memories you have had with him, he needs to think more of himself too. —Oka once told me, it's not bad to take care of yourself sometimes, you know ? his tone became a bit more stern —What do you mean ? —You don't look like you've been even sleeping at all y/n, and for the record, your injury was supposed to be healed by now, but you keep using your injured arm and your body is not getting enough rest, i'm worried that you'll actually make it worse."

You stayed quiet at his words, Reki sighed.

"y/n, please take care of yourself, i really don't want to lose you too"

you remembered him telling you about his old friend, you felt bad for even thinking for a second that maybe Reki didn't care about you, but now you needed to think of a way to reassure Reki, this was your fault for being reckless. You smiled and said "Hey hey, i swear it's going to be okay, i'm not being merely as reckless as you or Langa are sometimes " you joked and added "I never raced ADAM"

Reki looked at you with a silly angry face "Well it doesn't mean you can go around and make your injuries worse! You don't want to have to quit skateboarding do you? —Oh, come on it's just an arm —Just an arm!?"

You finished your lunch, and as you were about to get up while Reki was scolding you relentlessly about your injury, you tried to grab for your skateboard, and cut Reki's scolding off "Let's get our mind off of it and skate- —Our skateboards got taken away, y/n —Right"

You sighed, it felt empty without Langa. You felt silly for asking to skate into the school's grounds when you were the one refusing it this morning when Langa asked.

Did it ever feel this way when you were gone?

It felt empty even though Reki was still as lively as ever. If Langa was there though, you knew you wouldn't have been able to escape Reki's scolding, he's been pretty insistent for you to take care of yourself since that injury.

"Thinking about Langa, I hope he's doing okay…" you thought out loud, Reki nodded

Reki looked more quiet than usual, he was still talkative but less, it seemed he was thinking about something. No wonder why though, one of his bestfriends was in a hospital.

Well, bestfriend, that's understimating what the both of them really are. They have one hell of a bond. Even you can notice; their eyes contacts are everything. Even If they aren't romantic, they are still much more than bestfriends in ways words can't describe.

He got up and smiled "Well If It's Langa we have nothing to worry about, he always gets out of troubles somehow"

you nodded, chuckling a bit. It's true, Langa always get out of troubles.

The bell rang, you walked to your classroom together. You sat next to Reki, feeling weird that the seat next to you was empty, you missed Langa already.

The class passed, and when it ended it looked like Reki has fallen asleep while he was trying to take notes for you, but you were too zoned out to even notice.

A voice snapped you back to reality though.

"Just because the water is red doesn't mean you can't drink it… Langa what are you even talking about"

It was Reki's, you looked at him, confused, he was actually awake? You stood up and put your stuff back in your backpack, ignoring the burning pain in your arm.

"What do you mean? " you asked, before realising he has fallen back asleep. Reki is one to talk in his sleep afterall, he always does, you could still remember the day he woke up, stood up from his desk and screamed for Langa's name loudly in utter panick in front of the whole class when he was worried about his race with ADAM. You could also remember staying up with Langa when you guys were having a sleepover, just to hear what Reki would say in his sleep, there were no boring nights with Reki even when he was asleep, he was full of surprises, just like Langa, in a way.

"Reki?" you put your hand on his shoulder, he jumped and screamed "AH ?!!" you gestured for him to calm down. ~ Finally, the school day ended, more silently. You were in front of the school, Reki told you to wait here, you knew you had to stay one hour after class anyways to help the janitors clean, so it didn't reallly matter much.

"What are we even waiting for Reki? The teachers are waiting for us. —Just wait"

You stayed silent, until you noticed Miya walking up to you "hey slimes, so are we gonna go get the skateboards or what? You better pay me back after that. *You stared, confused, before turning to face Reki. —Reki, what is this about? *Reki sighed* —Long story short y/n… I'll have the two of you conduct a prison break ! —Wait you don't mean- —We're going to get our skateboards back and get away from here ! Reki exclamed himself, proudly —And then he'll become my cat. Miya added, killing Reki's joy in just a sentence —Don't act smug it's just one day ! —Wanna make it two?"

you stared at them, surprised, Miya didn't bring his skateboard.

So you were going to get your skateboards back and Miya was going to take Langa's skateboard back.

And then you could break out of school.

You stared the ground, your face frowned, and you spoke "They'll call our parents for that —Oh don't worry, i've done this plenty of time with Langa, you just never got into that much troubles before —What? But- you whole lots of crazy!- —They always forget! Infact, when i tried to wait for them to give me back my skateboard, they always forgot, so we have to get these back ourselves before they damage our babies ! —Fair enough i guess.."

You didn't want to imagine Reki giving birth to a skateboard, so you just went along with his plan hoping he'd stop using the name "babies" for the skateboards. ~ You were out of school with your skateboard, at the small skatepark you and Langa usually go to, you could remember Langa practicing tic-tacs here.

You were sitting with Miya as Reki was skating around

Miya yelled at his new human pet " drop, you must! —On it!" Reki dropped down the ramp, and failed, miya snickered

"Wow, and i thought i promoted you to a a golem! —You did!? Reki sounded happy Also If i failed, that's Langa's fault! Reki complained, which led Miya to be confused, he asked —How so? —Today I heard something new and unmemorable. Langa literally swallowed a sock because people on the internet told him to, i can't focus! —He did what!? So that's why he couldn't go pick up his skateboard himself!? Miya looked heavily surprised, he stared at the ground, hiding his concern"

Reki started skating again and raised his voice "Yes, he never changes!" Reki was obviously shaking and struggling to keep his balance, he looked tired and stressed, damn, you hated to see him like this. You looked away from him for a bit, and looked at Miya.

"Miya, how was school ? you asked, curious —It was fine i guess, you ? —You know how people get pregnant around their belly? Well i get brain pregnant, it's like i'm giving birth to so many neurons i'm gonna explode"

Miya stared at you and questionned your sanity. You looked back to Reki who was skating, you decided to cheer him on "Never back down never what!? —Never give up! Reki screamed in enthusiasm, before he falls on his balls and scream in more pain —Are you okay!?"

Reki sat up and gave you a thumb up, before standing up, visibly in pain. You started to wonder if you should join him, he seemed to continue skating despite his struggles, and you were just watching him with Miya, not doing an effort at all.

You can be such a burden sometime, you're almost certain being looked at this way while you're struggling must not feel cool. You remember being scared of people's looks when you started skating.

Reki went up to you, and asked you

"Hey, so y/n how are you feelin- —Meow for me, slime. Miya cut him off and Reki meowed, embarassed and annoyed, you laughed That's a good cat. Miya commented before Reki said —Oh shut it Miya, if we have a beef one day i'll make sure you regret that"

You looked at your phone and noticed that you had a message on a groupchat with Reki, Langa, Miya, Joe, Cherry and Shadow.

…You have a lot of groupchats. Like one that excludes Joe just for Cherry, and one to exclude Cherry just for Joe.

Shadow : " I'm racing a rookie tonight ! Watch me blow them off at midnight ! scary laughter "

It's scary how he used the scary laughters seriously as if he was talking to bots and roleplaying

Cherry : "I'll pass"

Reki looked at your screen, before saying "maybe we should go to Joe's… —Hm? you turned your head to face Reki, he seemed thoughtful. He turned to Miya and said —Miya, let's- —Call me master and meow. —Frick you! —It's apart of the deal —Fine- Master, let's go to Joe's meow —There there that's better. Miya pet Reki's hair and Reki looked like he was trying his best to compose himself, you tried not to laugh —Who's paying ? you asked —My cat is paying. —I didn't even- but yes that's true"

a few seconds passed, before Reki screamed

"WAIT I FORGOT I HAD A JOB !"

Your eyes widened, and you all skated to Reki's workplace, Reki apologized and you volunteered to replace Langa since he was unavailable tonight, since he… ate a sock. Miya was playing on his console while you two were working, you were pretty much zoned out and it looked like Reki would talk mostly to Miya anyways, you were zoned out but you could hear him complain whenever Miya told him to act like a cat, some things about this being inadequate at a workplace.

~ Finally, after that, you guys skated to Joe's restaurant, it seemed the restaurant was still open and Joe was waiting for you, Shadow and Cherry were all here, they seemed to know you'd come. Maybe Miya or Reki texted them to come.

You guys ordered some meals, and Shadow tried to steal Joe's kitchen to cook instead and show his great cooking skills, he wanted to cook you waffles or something… somehow, with his secret recipe. For shadow, excitement replaced fear until the final moment where Joe was able to stop him from using the kitchen furthermore.

Waffles are always better without fire ants and fleas, afterall. (This is an Italian restaurant).

It seemed the restaurant was originally closed but Joe made an exception for all of you because Reki convinced him to.

You were sitting near the window next to Miya, facing Reki. You asked : "So, what are we doing here Reki ? —I wanted to pass some quality time with my friends, you know.. eheh He looked like he was hiding something —That is your friend ? Miya pointed to Shadow which Shadow immediately noticed —Hey! I'm not your teacher or anything! Shadow raged, and Miya shrugged —You could have just invited everyone except Shadow on the groupchat excluding Shadow. Miya said, indifferent, playing on his console —WHAT GROUPCHAT?? Shadow yelled, before Joe told him to quiet down"

you stared at the table, a few moments later, Joe handed you guys over a few plates of food, as you guys ordered. Cherry was sitting next to Reki.

Shadow was renting, something along the lines "My dentist tells me that chewing bricks is very bad for your teeth. But no bricks can hurt my teeth behind this mask! I'm a true man!" you couldn't really understand what he was even saying, too zoned out to even try to understand. If Langa was here, he'd have been very happy to eat all of the restaurant's leftovers. You heard miya tells shadow "Well good for you idiot, just tell me if you want me to call a mental hospital for you"

You were happy you were all together, but you couldn't help but think about tomorrow's school day, you were definitely going to be even more tired than you were today tomorrow.

Joe kicked Shadow out of the restaurant for being a menace to his kitchen in the end as Shadow continued to try going back to the kitchen of the restaurant.

The first school day was tiresome, even if you were in Reki and Langa's classroom, you felt a sort of stress concerning your future, you didn't want to mess your life up. Life isn't just about fun…

Miya nudged your shoulder to get you to listen to whatever they're talking about, and he spoke "Thank god Joe was able to get Shadow out of his kitchen, if Joe ever lets Shadow cooks for us, I won't think twice i'll go : bye-bye-bye —This feels familliar you spoke, the way he said the end of his sentence looked like a song, strange.. —What does? Miya asked —Oh- nothing, nothing."

You stared at your plate and ate a bit, you were slow though. Reki was silent, after some time, Cherry spoke.

" Today I discovered something i never knew about carla before. —Which is ? Joe asks —Nothing. —If you want everyone to have a conversation so bad, atleast come up with something more creative."

the room was silent, Joe and Cherry wouldn't even speak, Reki looked at Joe, with pleading eyes, you were confused. Joe sighed and speaked:

"Say y/n, are you going to S tonight? —Uhm… You thought, S was really fun, and you really didn't wanna go to school and all, maybe you could just go to S and call it your life cheatcode- —I don't advice you to If you're still injured. Cherry said, glancing at your arm —I'm fine guys, i swear —You're not going to race anyone though, right ? Reki asked, looking concerned —Well actually i was thinking about it. you admitted, Reki looked at you with a face of despair and Miya spoke —You're so reckless y/n. —Y/n! please don't hurt yourself! Reki pleaded —It's no use Reki, they don't understand you… —What do you mean they don't understand me!?? —They zoned out again" ~ Long story short, the group convinced you not to go to S tonight, and Reki ended up convincing you to sleep at his place tonight for a sleepover so that you wouldn't be alone in skipping S tonight, but also to be sure you don't go there. He already sneaked to S without his friends knowing before, and he doesn't want you to do that too.

You walked out of the restaurant with Reki, Miya already went home, Cherry already left, and Joe had to clean after you. You already texted your parents that you would be on a sleepover with Reki tonight, you also mentionned that Langa would be there so that they wouldn't ask too many questions, even though Langa wasn't here.

"What a long day" Reki stretched, and looked at you "Let's go"

You both started skating, until it started raining, your skateboard wasn't set for rain, shit.

"Shoot! Y/n this way ! " Reki called out to you, skating away, the rain was getting slowly, no, quickly heavier and heavier, and you ended up falling off, you got up and took your skateboard and ran, Reki was already far away.

Big thunder noises

Oh, there's a thunder. ~ You reached Reki's house, panting and barely breathing, covered in mud, barely standing on your own. He panicked and apologized a thousand times when he noticed you got even more hurt, he took you to his house quickly not wanting to let you get even colder, and he checked your injuries once again, this time, in his bathroom, just in case something was missing in his bag, he was sure to find whatever it could be in the bathroom.

The bathroom looked clean, it was a small room but sufficient, you sat on a chair, Reki opened his bag and a drawer, before checking your arm first, your wounds visbly opened again as your bandages were red. How amazing. Reki probably didn't like seeing your bandages being red so often.

"Damn, now this must be my fault this time. Reki mumbled, as he got rid of your bloodied bandages and pulled up a disinfectant Thanks god the wounds aren't that big, you could have ended up in the hospital like Langa, because of me… —Hey, no, we're fine, we didn't predict the weather."

Reki seemed distant as he stared at your arm, he mumbled something inaudible. He was zoning out while lightly using the disinfectant, you didn't like this. So you spoke.

"You're not a god, you know. —And you're not either, so stop being so reckless will ya? He retorted, unhappy —Say the one who was blaming himself a few minutes ago! You didn't want to let this slide, Reki was done changing your bandages, and he spoke while putting back the bandages supplies into their places —I'm not blaming you! I'm just, well, worried for you you know! —There's no reasons to be. You stared at the ground, ready to deny everything, Reki spoke, almost reading your mind —Where else are you hurt? —Nowhere! You tried to stand up but your legs gave up pretty easily Agh- You almost fell but Reki caught you, some of the dirt of your clothes got to him, you both were still dripping wet, and you were covered in mud, it was a bit awkward, but Reki was there for you, he was like a brother to you —Hold into me, where does it hurt? —My knees —Shit "

Reki cursed and slowly had you sitting back in the chair, telling you to not move and not be reckless.

You and Reki held something in common, you both were pretty stubborn when it came to being fine.

Right now, Reki looked lost in thoughts as he checked your knees, and as he suspected, your knees were hurt, but it didn't look too bad yet, he sighed and looked at you in the eyes "We're going to get that checked tomorrow if it doesn't get better, okay? —Okay..? You sounded hesitant, as if it was weird for him to care about you,but it's not supposed to be —So you can't stand? —Actually yes I can! you tried to let go of Reki's grip, but you held into the chair instead, Reki sighed —Alright, uhm, you're covered in mud, do you want to take a bath? I have some spare clothes for you if you want? He politely asked, feeling bad that he let you get hurt like this —I mean, yeah alright you replied, not knowing why you could possibly say no, being covered in mud really wasn't pleasant"

This isn't the first time something like this happened, you smiled, this is why Reki always had spare clothes just in case, because you can recall the three of you getting all muddy so many times, and you guys would usually have sleepovers at Reki's house more than anyone's house. You knew what was going to happen was that you would take a bath, and then Reki would do so too when you leave the bathroom, clean and changed and as you go get your other clothes cleaned.

You might catch a pretty bad cold tomorrow. ~ After you took a bath and put on the spare clothes that were ready for you, you ended up in the living room, desperately holding into whatever you could hold into, you were told to sit down and not exhaust yourself. But to be honest, you uncounsciously wanted to exhaust yourself, so maybe you could ghost through the whole year, was it selfish? It's just the first day…

The family was really loud and lively, even at night, you recalled that it was often like this whenever you had a sleepover with Langa at Reki's house.

It's weird that Langa isn't here… It feels so empty even with all of the noises going on, Reki must be feeling stressed out. Just as he showed at the skatepark earlier, barely able to keep balance on his skateboard.

You heard one of Reki's sibling, try to tell a story to another sibling, something along the lines of "The llama couldn't resist trying the lemonade…", It felt very silly.

The atmosphere was warm, you sure never get lonely in here, this place is full of life. It was such a warm and fuzzy atmosphere, you couldn't help but smile a bit. Though the noises gave you a headache. Surprisingly enough, it still wasn't too late for Reki's siblings to be awake, somehow. Well, it's true that Reki's mother was desperately trying to calm the siblings down and get them to sleep, you were in the living room, your backpack out, you already had homework on the first day of school, and you could barely focus.

After some time, Reki came downstairs, he seemed to have cleaned himself up and changed himself faster than you did, he walked towards you and sat next to you, opening his backpack aswell.

You both tried to focus with the awkward silence going on between you, it was funny because no one could hear the silence as the house was really loud, but you could still feel it.

After some time, Reki scratched his hair, stretched and sighed "Man, I didn't listen to a single word the teachers said today —You didn't? —You did? —Yes, I mean… you hesitated, you mostly remember having negative thoughts about yourself today, you looked down at your paper I don't really remember anything…"

You felt Reki's gaze on you, you didn't know if it was a thoughtful look, a mocking look, a look of disbelief, or a look of concern, you didn't dare to move your head to know, sometimes it's better not to know, so you tried to focus on the printed writing of your paper.

"Is this history? you asked, Reki gulped —I thought it was maths —But there are centuries on the paper —True… But you have to calculate the centuries right? —Reki…"

You sighed, this was getting nowhere, you were barely reading. Mostly reading with your own eyes but not your brain, a simple sentence was like a treasure hint, each simple little words just wouldn't reunite or make sense in your brain. At that exact moment you just wanted to spend time with Reki, you didn't want to work, it was selfish, yes, but you couldn't help it, you didn't want to drag Reki into troubles though. You knew you were tired, but if you slept right now, you knew that you'd still be unable to work the next morning, it stressed you out, you didn't want to mess up on the second day of school aswell. You couldn't let all these bad feelings stop you, you didn't want to make yourself up excuses not to work, you felt like it was your fault, like you were the one who uncounsciously made yourself feel bad to have an excuse to work less and feel better about yourself. Though it was doing the opposite, and maybe you weren't right about this.

Thoughts were spinning around inside your head as your eyes focused on the sheet of paper and your textbook, you were completely zoning out.

How are you going to do this? How are you going to handle all of this? You messed up, all you had to do was not overthink it and here you already tired yourself out for a whole period, and you're dragging Reki into it aren't you? How stupid can you be? This is important, school is important, you can't just ignore that, it's not all just about fun. Why would it be?

"Y/n" *Reki called your name, looking at you "Hey, Y/n" *he insisted, you shook your head as your eyes widened, you stopped your trail of thoughts* "Yes ?" you tried to hold in your tears, but instead, you yawned, which got a few tears out of your eyes anyway, you whipped those tears away: you were just tired, that was all. Why else would have tears left your eyes? You're tired, nothing more. It was just one or two tears, a natural reaction from yawning, isn't it?

That is, before you realized it, the tears didn't stop leaving your eyes, it wasn't caused by just the yawning, you couldn't control yourself and your thoughts right now. Reki panicked, "Woah y/n! Hey please don't cry uhm-" you hid your face. when you realized.

Fuck, this wasn't the time to be dramatic, your other bestfriend was in the hospital, and all you could think about was yourself. How selfish can you be? Why are you ruining everything?

You weren't looking at Reki but even you could hear his panic, you tried to wipe away your tears and to calm down, it wasn't working out. Reki spoke, trying to be reassuring and comforting "hey, hey, it's okay- it's going to be okay, look at me- Well it's okay if you don't want to look at me, do you want to talk about it? What's up? —It's nothing, I'm just tired you said, your voice was shaking, you couldn't even make your voice sound normal, Reki's siblings were staring at you, great, you're making a scene now. —Is this the school stressing you out again? He asked, you stayed silent and your eyes widened a bit as you stared at the ground, Reki put an hesitant hand on your shoulder and spoke —Hey, it's okay, we're in classes of 30 people, they never check our work- —But I can't mess up you cut him off School's important, life isn't about just fun, work exist too Reki stayed silent for a second, before saying —Hey, I have fun at work you know —Huh? But this is a part time job!- —Does it matter? "

You paused, questioning your life's choices, Reki continued

"Hey, let me show you something" He stood up and led you an hand, you got up and he helped you walk, you guys walked toward the place he usually goes to to work on his skateboards in his garden, it seemed it stopped raining a while ago, probably while you were trying to focus on your work.

"Remember this place?" He asked, you nodded. Of course you can't forget, Reki made you multiple skateboards for free here, it was loud hearing the machines sometimes, but you can never forget a place with such fond memories.

Reki walked and grabbed a piece of wood "your skateboard got wet right? It needs to dry, this can last months, so to wait, i can make you another skateboard before this one breaks" he said, taking the usual measurements of the wood and tracing some lines, you were confused, weren't you guys talking about school and work just now? Why is he suddenly talking about skateboards again? I mean, atleast he was really passionate about it…

You stared at him, a bit dumbfounded, as he work, and you asked, before he turns on that godamn machine that had your ears dying on spot.

"Why are you doing this? —Well, because, if i let you skateboardless and dying to the stress of school, what will i think of myself for letting you down like this? —You're never letting me down, and, as I've said, life isn't about just fun anyway- —But it can be. Why torture yourself? He turned on the machine to cut the wood, making sure to follow the lines he traced precisely, communicating would be harder now, you had to raise your voice —It's not that simple! —Pick some trucks and some wheels"

Welp, there it is, Reki was being stubborn again, does he even understand you?

You sighed and stared at the available trucks and wheels, Reki was a bit too nice, he always gave you wheels and trucks for free.

Small wheels are for tricks, big wheels are for cruising on rougher surfaces. You pick out some wheels, and some trucks. When you think about it, Reki could just make you a board and you could replace the trucks and wheels yourself, why was he doing this?

When he was done cutting down the board, he asked "you done picking your trucks and wheels?" you nodded "mhm" he smiled and looked at the wheels and trucks you picked before nodding aswell, not surprised by your choice. He spoke, almost teasing you.

"You know, you really never changed your style of skating. —I don't really want to. You replied, Reki chuckled —You don't have to if this style suits you"

Reki started taking his supplies to color and decorate your board, you looked at him do so, and he asked "The same theme as usual? —Yes, please don't get too silly about it. You said in anticipation of whatever was about to come, Reki can be all but predictable sometimes —Will do!"

Reki got to work after putting a support under the board so that the paint wouldn't go over all the desk, and you just stared at him, feeling useless. He was used to working on this now to no surprises, and he was extremely fast, he surely looked like a professional. To you, he was like the God of skating, and you're sure many other would agree with you.

"Hey, y/n, want to add a touch of your help too? Let's spray some paint together —Can I really? —Yeah, it's your board not mine, as long as you don't spray paint all over my face I'm cool with it."

You smiled, feeling excited, you chose a color, specifically your favorite color. You started trying to draw some lines on the back of your board, not really confident. Reki nudged your shoulders to tease you, so you fought back.

Before you knew it, your board was full of colors and failed drawings, this definitely wasn't your usual board. And you both had full paint on your clothes, and some on your skin. You both were laughing and hardly breathing, when you calmed down, Reki looked at your board and declared "I shall call it the double painted friendship Reki-Y/n creation board, aka the Reki y/n dp friendship board!" you sighed, there he went again with his ridiculous nicknames, but you didn't dislike it either. If anything, Reki's enthusiasm was cheering you up, at this exact moment, you couldn't even bear to think about school, you just wanted to have fun. So what if they say life isn't just about fun?

You turned to face Reki, your eyes widened, and you looked at yourself. This was a catastrophe, you both were full of paint. Reki looked at you and looked at himself and realised the mess you both have done aswell, he had a curious and surprised look on his face for a second, before his smile brightened, and proud of himself he declared "Well looks like we both had a relooking!" you sighed and smiled "this isn't very healthy" he laughed "Don't worry, the paint is offensive once every 10 years"

"Let's let the paint dry for now." Reki said, before turning to look at you "You good?" you paused and thought, before answering "Yeah, i'm fine, why do you ask?" Reki sighed and said "I was scared you'd flood my house back there. —Hey! I'm not that much of a crybaby! —I'd rather have you cry than stay alone though. Joe once told me to never end up on my own."

You paused and stared at the table "Yeah, that's a good advice" you mumbled, before turning your head to face Reki, a curious look on your face "Say, why did you do all of this? You didn't have to let me pick out some new trucks and wheels, we could have just put the ones from the old board on the new board, you know? —Y/n, this is not the first time your trucks got wet, and i'm afraid they're getting rusty —They are? —Even a 4 year old would notice. —Hey! "

You guys laughed, and you asked "what do we do about the paint? —Let's go get it cleaned before it dries on our face, it's not raining anymore so we can go back to my house and to the cabin when it dries"

You were able to stand on your own, but when you took a step, it really hurts a lot, but you felt like you could handle it, things are way much less painful when you're in a better mood, it's crazy.

Once you entered his house again, you saw one of his younger sister, Koyomi, eating an ice cream and directly turning to talk to you "Hey y/n, i've got something for you —You're not sleeping? Reki asked —Nope, couldn't sleep with all the charades our younger relatives put in the house"

Koyomi took some papers and handed them to you "Here, nanaka and chihiro made these for you, they said they hoped it would make you feel better"

You took the drawings, these were drawings made by one of Reki's youngest siblings, a stickman kind of drawing with some hearts. It seemed even they cared about you. you stared at the drawing, while Reki said "Hey Koyomi, don't stay up too late. —You aswell" ~ After you both cleaned the paint off your face and arms, you went back to the place where the paint dried. You already felt much better, you made sure to keep the drawings somewhere in your backpack, these were silly, but you wanted to keep them in your room or something when you'll go back to your house.

Your phone bzzzzed, you turn on your phone and checked the notification, it was a message from Langa on the trio group containing you, Langa and Reki.

"Hey guys! I'm out of the hospital! :) The sock was no problem much, i'm on my way home!" Reki turned to you "Hm, what are you doing y/n? —Hey, look at this, Langa's out of the hospital you said, Reki immediately looked at your phone without any hesitation and said —Wow, so he really got out of troubles huh? —Yup, once again."

You smiled and typed a message on your phone "Hey Langa, I'm at Reki's house right now, I hope you have a good night, see you at school tomorrow!" you sent the message, before you knew it, reki took out his own phone and typed a message "Hey Langa, btw, i made y/n a new board, wanna video call to see it?".

You saw the message appear on the groupchat, and before you knew it, Langa already sent a videocall ask, you refused as Reki already turned on the video call and one was enough.

It seems the paint has dried already.

Reki picked the trucks and wheels you chose to put them and fix them on your board, you only noticed now but these also got colored in the process somehow, it gave your board a new type of look, you couldn't help but smile. When Reki was done, he took care of the grip tape, and when that was done aswell, he looked at you to present the final result while showing Langa through his phone the final result, and proud of himself, he asked, a big genuine smile on his face "Well! What do you think??" you clapped, genuinely amused. Langa praised Reki.

Reki grinned "I know, i'm the best when it comes to making boards —I helped painting the board too! —You sure are an artist y/n l/n."

Reki laughed, and you heard Langa laugh too. You were smiling, you didn't even know what time was it, you didn't really care about the time anymore, though you could notice dark circles under Reki's eyes, you didn't know if you had them too.

After a small moment of silence, Reki talked, in a low soft voice "Hey, y/n —Hm? —You're right, life isn't about just fun. you dropped your composure when he said this —What do you mean? —Life is about being happy, silly! He messed your hair up, leaving the screen on the desk and leaving Langa confused, he smiled you really are an idiot you know? he teased you, not actually meaning it —Hey! Atleast I care about my grades! You defended yourself, Reki grinned —You know, when it comes to school and grades, i'm not really worried, you build yourself a path towards the future by being happy and doing the things you like, don't you? —Well, it's true but… —So why torture yourself? You'll be just fine, a day of not doing homework won't kill you, hey, what makes you happy? —Being with you you blurted out and everyone else you added, Reki seemed a bit caught off guard, he scratched his head and blushed a bit, flattered, he spoke —Well then use your mind a bit more for us and less for school, I promise you you'll figure everything out at your own pace —Can I really? —Do I inspire you? he asked out of the blue, semi-hesitant, semi-confident —Reki! you nudged his shoulder and laughed —What? —Of course you inspire me! —But i'm not good at school and grades, I don't even care about school as much as you do. —Yes, but you're so passionate and good at what you do. I'm not even sure of what i want to do in the future. —All I did was enjoy what i enjoy. He paused and smiled brightly I love skating, the fun is infinite, it never ends!"

You heard Langa's confused voice through the phone, the lonely blue-haired teenage boy spoke "Y'know y/n, when it comes to school and work, i rather see you happy with average grades than stressed out and on edge with good grades, just like we found you were last year"

You felt a bit embarrassed and nervous, so you stared at Reki, internally begging for him to change the topic. He smiled, and said "it might not be easy, but hang in there, i promise everything will be okay, school won't pick your path for you, school will force you to pick a path, of course school is important, but a balance is important aswell, we can't have you so stressed out that you break down on one sheet of paper everytime, what kind of friends would we be if we let you alone to struggle like this? I don't think that would be very fair, you know. Life may not just be about fun, but sometimes it is. What's more important anyway is to be happy anyway isn't it?"

His confident and long monologue was interrupted by a big sneeze.

Oh, you had all that nasty stuff over your face, dear god.

Reki panicked and ran to grab some tissues, you tried not to laugh at the way he ran, welp, this was really worth not going to S for.

You stared at the phone on the desk and Langa saw your face and laughed as you picked the tissue Reki handed to you.

Through the phone, you heard Langa's voice "y/n, you know, I'm happy with you guys too —You better be." ~ You fell asleep in your sleeping bag, and the next morning, you both were completely sick. And you forgot to complete the homework you were supposed to turn in today. You still weren't even sure if it was an History sheet or a Maths one.

But did it really matter? You had so much fun yesterday, and you cheered up, sometimes it's cool to loosen up.

This is the type of memory you won't regret when you'll be at death's door. This is the type of memory that really matters.

Of course school did matter, but when it slowly kills you and you have no idea of what you want to do, what do you do? How do you balance personal life and school?

Life isn't just about fun sure,

It's about appreciating the moment that's happening right now. And right now, you didn't want to think about school.

Rather, you wanted to think about getting some meds, because you both were REALLY a sick mess.

And little did you know the papers you both left on the living room table didn't last long when Reki's siblings woke up.

Oops?

#sk8 the infinity x reader #sk8 x y/n #sk8 x you #sk8 x reader #sk8 the infinity #reki x reader #langa x reader #platonic fanfiction #sk8 reki #sk8 langa #sk8 anime #sk8 miya #sk8 cherry #sk8 joe #sk8 shadow

[39confetti]

Can you make a Maison Talo x grumpy reader if it's possible? 😅

Okay lessgo !! (Also sorry for the time I took, university is rough oof- I tried my best so I hope you'll enjoy it !)

Maison Talo x Grumpy reader Headcanon !!!

When Maison approached you the first time, to talk about this house he’s selling, he knew you were going to be kind of challenging. 

Especially after that first dialogue, “You’re lost and new” he told you, “You need a place to call-” “Fuck off” you said on a monotone tone.

You surprised him, and he didn’t know how to react. But he found it fairly funny to have such a tough prey to hunt.

Of course, he didn’t and will NEVER give up on devouring you. Actually, he’s pretty sure you are spicier than the other dishes he has tasted.

He wasn’t surprised that you refused to follow him to the house, but with that look you gave him, full of disgust, he couldn’t forget you.

So he kept on searching for preys, and any time he saw you he'd try again ! “Hey it’s been a while ! That house is still available-” 

“I saw you yesterday. Weirdo.” You’d answer most of the time.

One day he kept on repeating how hungry he felt, and you were so tired of it that you took him to the restaurant. He seemed surprised, his cheeks were red, and when you realized what the situation looked like, you were pretty embarrassed yourself. Well, you surprisingly spent a really good time together ! 

Maison is still after you, but you kind of accommodated. 

Even though he always begins his conversations the same, it has evolved. 

He’s a bit tactile, he can’t help it, an arm around the neck, a hand on your shoulder. And when you tell him so aggressively to stop it... Oh man, it’s like butterflies were rumbling in his stomach. But he just stop and fakely apologize.

“What a salty little human…” he think to himself.

He absolutely ADORE teasing you, you are absolutely delicious when you’re angry.

Also, he loves making you all embarrassed in public, and when you complain, he’ll answer you, “ Well well, you’re the one who never wants to come visist my home. Maybe it wouldn’t happen if you tried it…”

He doesn’t quite understand why he keeps on being so patient with you. All he wanted was to eat you, but now… There’s something else that grew inside of him. A strange feeling for a realtor like him.

Also, even if you clealy take care of them yourself, he’ll protect you the best way he can. Oh he absolutely hates when others of his kind approach you. He won’t show it, but he’d love to find their real body and burn them.

That’s why Maison often appears behind you when a guy tries to sell another house. That’s when he become touchy too. “Oh, sorry. They already have one.” with a big bright smile and eyes full of rage. Always work !

You can remind you him as much as you want that you don't need him to defend yourself, he'll simply answer you with a small grin and a "Sure little one." that always piss you off.

Ugh, you hate those sellers so MUCH, afterward you end up complaining about it to him, and he’ll always listen carefully. You almost forget he's a seller himself.

Even himself, he’ll start to complain with you, about how hard it is to be a seller in this economy, how he can barely eat what he wants.

You hate to admit it, but it feels good right ? Finally, someone doesn't complain about your emotions, and why you’re not smiling more.

He just loves you the way you are.

No matter how negative your emotions are, Maison will always be here to listen.

#Maison Talo #House Hunted Game #House Hunted Visual Novel #Maison Talo House Hunted #Maison Talo Headcanon #House Hunted Headcanon

[nerdygaymormon]

This conference was really hard for me and I'm relieved to know I'm not alone. Pres Nelson and Oaks' talks really made me reevaluate my place in the church and whether or not I want to be here anymore as a queer person. It just feels like everyone just wants us to leave so they can go on pretending the plan of salvation isn't presented in a way that writes out lgbtq people and does so cheerfully.

I also suffer from an eating disorder and when I tried to explain to my older sister in her late twenties that what president nelson said was hurtful, she told me that "well if food is your god, then you are offending the lord because it should just be Jesus. addiction is when something replaces god for you" which made me feel really discouraged and ashamed. Even though I know having an addiction isn't like that logically it still stung. I don't know. Basically I just want to say thanks for being honest about conference because I can't be at home. You're words have brought me a lot of comfort.

Back in the day I used to read blogs of queer Mormons, and they usually followed a similar arc. They were newly home from their mission and then had to grapple with the fact their queerness didn't go away. Things would start very faithful with a commitment to always be an active member, and would progress to them being more critical of the church and then no more entries.

Those blogs meant a lot to me because there was someone like me, but their story wasn't the same as mine.

When I started this blog, one of my goals was to write honestly about what it's like to exist in this space. I thought that one day historians would be interested in what it was like to be a queer person living through this period of LDS history. What did queer people at that time think, feel, and experience? What surprised me is that some currently-living people were interested in what I share.

It's always tempting to put a positive spin on things, to present myself in the best light, like I have everything figured out, but that's not reality. Sharing about being suicidal, crying about how hard therapy was for my social anxiety, my experience with reparative therapy, and how I was hurt by something said in General Conference are very much a part of this experience of being a queer Latter-day Saint, that's why I write about them in my blog.

Sometimes I worry I'm being too raw, too open, too negative, that I share too much. Your message is a good reminder that it's important to be honest so that we can see we aren't alone. Our stories have power! The power to help each other and the power to change the hearts of others.

———————————————————

I'm sorry you don't have family who you can talk to about these things. I don't either. Having a few close friends I can message about hard things is important to me and I hope you have some in your life.

———————————————————

What was said about eternal marriage isn't new, and I've built up some callouses to it, but to have it emphasized like it was in General Conference still hurts, especially how President Nelson linked queerphobic statements with "think Celestial."

Calling people sinners because they deal with mental health issues, like eating disorders, was unexpected and pierced me as I hadn't built up my guard against such rhetoric. Since I shared my reaction on social media, I've received many comments like your sister's.

President Nelson was a heart surgeon. Would he believe that people with heart issues were offending God, that they were worshiping their heart problem instead of God? What the heck?!! It doesn't make sense. Many people dealing with hard things turn to God for help.

I'm pretty sure God wants to help heal us. I don't think our personal trials offend Him. If anything, He hurts with us and for us. Jesus invites healing, not shame.

These "addictions" that President Nelson attacked are ways a person's mind and body try to cope with hard things. My mental health challenges come from being a queer Latter-day Saint and are ways my body & mind have coped with the emotional trauma and dissonance. So many queer folks have eating disorders and anxiety disorders. I'm glad our bodies protect us from worse consequences, but it sucks that this is a common result for queer people who try to be religious. Most non-queer members don't recognize there is a high cost to be paid by us, and I want them to know these are the fruits of the anti-queer teachings and policies

Please know you are loved. There is an online community of queer Mormons who know what you're feeling and who are pulling for you. If you need help, there are resources

please visit these if you are queer and need help:

Only to age 24: @trevorproject@utahtrevorproject (Utah) @encircletogether (Utah)

In Utah: @flourishtherapyinc @celebratetherapy

Active LDS: @liftandloveorg (national&online)

National: @glaad @988lifeline (involves law enforcement)

[lantur]

updates,

I was pretty stressed last Saturday because I was feeling mentally burned out and exhausted and had to work for part of the day, representing my organization at an event and making a presentation :/ It ended up going well, I met some nice people, and got an interesting idea for my next work project. The rest of the day was wonderful - Derek and I played board games and went out for dinner at our favorite neighborhood Chinese restaurant. ❤️ We've been eating out a lot less over the last six months or so, just like once a month, so it was a special treat.

Sunday was a great day. I had a fun morning workout and went to a horror play at Theater Mu. I love them - they're the largest Asian American theater company in the Midwest and their shows are always so well written and acted. I'm really happy to have been able to attend more plays over the last six months or so. Living in a place with so many local theater companies is my favorite part of living in the Twin Cities.

I also made a new recipe for dinner that night that turned out super well - hot honey crispy baked salmon bowls with broccoli. :)

I have been limping and crawling through this work week. Work has been overwhelming for almost a month straight. I'm grateful to have a leadership role, but it's challenging and exhausting to not just work on my own solo projects and to-do list items, but to lead and support others every time they have a problem or need something, which is often.

This week also became challenging because my mom reached out to me on Tuesday night (a day after my last post on here where I said that I was sure I hadn't heard the last from her yet, ironically) and told me she was planning on moving to India later this year. I had to handle that conversation in a more polite way than "don't let the door hit you on your way out." Talking to her, as always, brought up a lot of negative feelings. She said she wants to see me before she leaves, but I held off on committing to that - partly because of the reason below.

On a more positive note, I had my long awaited appointment with my new OB-GYN yesterday :) I really like her. She's experienced, she's from the same culture as I am, and she left me feeling with a sense of knowledge and optimism about this whole pre-conception and conception process. I'm going to go off the pill when my current pill pack is over at the end of March and then start tracking my cycle to see what it is like, if/when I ovulate, etc. I have PCOS, so the question of whether I ovulate naturally is yet to be determined. I've been on the pill for my entire adult life and during my teenage years to treat PCOS, so I'm curious and a bit nervous to see what happens when I'm off it. I'm curious and excited to see if/when I could conceive this year.

I'm writing this while I wait at the airport for my flight to Tokyo. This trip snuck up on me after I booked it. As recently as last week, I thought that my trip was 3 weeks away - even though I theoretically knew it started on March 7. Then I realized March 7 was next Thursday and not 3 weeks away. 🤦🏾‍♀️

I'm really excited to have this time for myself. I push myself really hard at work, at home, and with personal development goals. I enjoy what I do. I like grocery shopping and cooking, I like working out, I like studying Spanish every day. I even like my job, most of the time. But sometimes it just feels exhausting to juggle it all, and it's so nice to take time where I'm not doing anything for anyone else but myself. :) It feels especially timely because I hope to start my master's in social work program in September, and I hope to possibly be growing the family by then too!

#lanturing

[haikyuufanficwriting]

Chapter 6: Bokuto

Prompt: Reader and (Character) burning something Character: Bokouto _____________

You would consider yourself to be pretty good at somethings. Everyone has certain skills that they can do at levels to evoke envy in others. Sadly, for you, cooking was not one of them.

“(Nnnnaamme), I’m hungry.” You hear your one of your best friends, Bokouto, whine as he enters your room. Being that he is one of your closest friends, he’s made it a habit to show up to your house unannounced after he finishes his practices. Not that you had minded, in fact your night almost felt empty without him showing up at random times.

“Good evening to you too.” You say, not evening looking up from the book you were currently studying from. Bokouto mumbles a reply before throwing his stuff into a random corner of the room and falls on your bed dramatically. “I’m still hungry.” You sigh lightly.

“Didn’t you and Akaashi go to the convivence store and get food?”

“Well, yeah. But I forgot my second lunch at home today.” Bokouto groans, rubbing his stomach like he hasn’t eaten in almost two weeks. You can’t help but roll your eyes are his antics. “If you want, we have leftovers in the fridge. My parents aren’t coming home till late so that’s your best bet.” You hear him huff like a child. “Leftovers never taste as good.” You just shrug.

“Well, I guess you’ll just have to starve then.” Bokouto tsks as you go back to your book. Its quiet for awhile, and you savour the last moments of silence until the captain gasps excitedly, rising off your bed with a new surge of adrenaline. You turn to see an expression on his face that leaves you filled with dread.

He had an idea.

From your experiences, Bokouto’s ideas always were quite… ambitious. From attempting to spike blindfolded, to climbing random fences just because Kohona challenged him to. But that wasn’t the only problem. Due to his personality, he always went into them with full confidence, so sure that he could anything he set his mind to. And while it was something you and many others admired; it did have its downsides.

Like now.

“(Name)! Let’s make something!” You close your book, subconsciously knowing that any plans of studying were thrown out the window. “Are you kidding?” The hesitance is practically dripping from your voice, but it doesn’t deter him. But then again, it never did. He gives you a wide smile.

“Why not? We could make those big fluffy pancakes! Akaashi makes them all the time when we’re studying! They always taste amazing!” You give him a tired expression. You never knew how Akaashi handles him; even if he is his boyfriend.

“Maybe that’s because he knows how to cook, Bokouto. I don’t know how to cook.”

“I’ll be there to help out too!” He gives you a confident grin.

“Bokouto, you don’t know how to cook either.” You deadpan. He tsks at your negativity. “Could you go along with me for just once? I mean its pancakes; how hard could it be? Plus, it’s just following instructions.” Your shoulders slug at that. He did have a point; pancakes did sound easy, but…

“I don’t know Bo-” Your cut off by a hand grabbing your arm.

“I just found a recipe online! C’mon!” Bokouto eithers ignores your disapproval, or doesn’t hear you, as he practically drags you to your kitchen. He then proceeds to pick out and pull the ingredients necessary onto your counter. At this point, you realized that he just wasn’t going to listen, so you decided to bite the bullet and just go along with him. You rationalize this clearly stupid idea with the fact you’ll be eating pancakes, so it wouldn’t be that bad.

“(Name), what’s the difference between baking powder and baking soda? Because you only have baking soda.” You pause. “Umm… I think my parents told me once… But I don’t really remember…”

Bokouto only shrugs. “If they have similar names, they must be the similar. I’m sure it won’t be a problem.” You feel something deep in your soul telling you that this logic is extremely flawed, but you can’t really think of anything better than his logic, so you just keep quiet. He sets the baking soda on the counter along with the other ten other things that are now crowding your poor kitchen. He looks to you eagerly. “Let’s get started! We’re going to make the world’s best pancakes!” You can only give him a half-hearted slightly nervous smile, as you tie up your hair, so it doesn’t get in the way.

“So, what’s the first step?” He looks to his phone for the instructions. “To separate egg yolks and whites. Then mix the yolks with sugar, then milk and the baking soda. It should make a smooth batter.” You nod, pulling out the eggs. Separating the eggs were fairly easy, you’d done it a million times when helping your parents in the kitchen. But in Bokouto’s case, he found it much more difficult than you did. The ace didn’t have the most delicate hands, so it was expected for every egg that he touched to have the yolk broken by him. Forcing him to meticulously pick out the yolks out of the whites.

Eventually after offering to do it all for him, you followed the rest of the instructions, substituting baking soda for baking powder. When finished you were left with a relatively smooth batter. Other than the fact that you mistakenly let Bokouto use the hand mixer on high, leaving a mess that you’re sure will take hours to clean, you felt quite proud if you were being honest. Having never made anything except eggs, so you felt like you did a good job. You could tell Bokouto felt that same.

“Alright! We’re halfway there!” His voice filled with pride. “It’s just the first step, Bo. We still have like four more.” You see him deflate a little, which does make you smile slightly to yourself. “F-fine! Then we’re halfway to being halfway there!” He gains himself quickly going to read the next instructions. “We just gotta whip the egg whites and sugar now.” You nod as you do so, with this time you using the hand mixer, learning from your previous mistake. Your arm starts to get tired as you beat it into a frothy mixture. You stop, letting your arm rest.

“How long am I supposed to beat this for?” He checks the instructions. “It says ‘till stiff peaks.” You raise a brow in question. “What does that even mean?” Bokouto doesn’t respond, scrolling through the website, obviously trying to find a clearer description, only finding nothing. “It doesn’t say…” He pauses before his eyes light up in the ‘I have an idea’ way as he starts calling someone.

“Bokouto, what are you doing?”

“Calling Akaashi. If anyone would know, it’s him.” You feel your eyes widen. “Bokouto, you can’t do that!”

“Why not? We need help!”

“You can’t just call people ten o’clock at night to ask them a question you could easily search-”

“… Bokouto-san?” Your cut off by a tired voice on the phone. You slap your forehead.

“Hey, Akaashi I need your help. Me and (Name) are making those pancakes you always make and we’re beating the egg white and sugar thing and the recipe says to beat until stiff peaks, but we don’t what that means.” You were mistaken. Now would be the time to slap your forehead.

“You mean you’re making the meringue? Stiff peaks means when you pull away it holds it shape.” Bokouto gives you a look of ‘I told you so’, and you reply with the extremely mature move of sticking your tongue out.

“Okay, thanks babe. Love you.” And with that he hangs up the phone. You look at him, completely mortified. “I can’t believe you just did that.” He only leans his head it the side in confusion, obviously seeing nothing wrong with it. You hold the bridge of your nose. “Never mind.” You mumble as you going to whip the mixture until it holds its shape just like Akaashi said it would.  Once finished you look to the ace for the next instructions.

“Now we just gotta put two and two together! Then we’re done!”

“We still have to cook it, Bo.” He gives you a semi-annoyed look. “You know what I mean.” You just shrug with a small smile on your face. He notices it immediately and nudges you slyly, playfulness in his eyes. “You’re having fun aren’t you?” You try to give a look of indifference, but he’s known you too long to know that its fake.

To be honest, you were having fun. With you two being in your last year of high school, and him and his club, plus him spending his time with Akaashi, you two rarely ever had any time other the couple hours you saw each other each week. And those times would just be him napping on your couch or you helping him study for a final that he’ll inevitably fail. Sure, you savoured all the time you could with him, but it’s been a long time since the two of you did something just for the heck of it.

And you missed it.

“Well, it’d be more fun if I knew that I didn’t have to clean up the mess we’ve made.” Bokouto looks bashful at that, and you let out a small laugh. You take his phone to look at the instructions more thoroughly. “Alright, it says to fold in the batter. So mix it gently.” He nods giving you a look of determination. You watch him mix the two mixtures with the upmost care, you could really tell that he didn’t want to mess it up, which makes sense considering that he wants to eat it.

Eventually the mixtures look mixed in fairly well, with no streaks and looking considerably lighter. You were getting more excited for the final result with each passing minute. You brought out your pan and ring molds for the final step. You turn to place them on the counter when you see your owl-like friend dip in his finger to taste the batter curiously.

“Hey, no!” You bat his hand away before he got the chance to touch it. Bokouto lets out a small noise of pain before rubbing his hand and pouting.

“That’s got raw eggs, you get sick from that!” You scold him, and he rolls his eyes. “But, (Name), I’m so hungry!” He pleads, and you can’t stop the sigh that escapes your throat. “You have the patience of a toddler, you know that?” He opens to his mouth to counter your claim, but only closes it in actualization that your right. You shake your head slightly and grab his phone once more.

“Okay, it says to leave on medium low heat, and to cover them with a towel to cook in the steam.” You motion for the towel on your counter, and Bokouto hands it to you, you throw it over your shoulder as you bring out a random pan and turn the heat onto medium low as instructed. Fortunately, you did have ring molds in your house, so it quite easy and clean to pout the batter into the pan, sprinkle a little water, and place the towel and cover on top.

“How long is it supposed to cook?”

“About five minutes.” You nod, looking around your kitchen. “I guess I could start cleaning up…” You start to take the extra dishes and appliances to the sink, washing the excess batter off them. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Bokouto pacing back and forth, eyeing the pan anxiously.

“Oi, staring at it isn’t going to cook them any faster. Come help with these dishes.” He keeps his eye on the pan while walking towards the sink, and you start giving him stuff to dry. Eventually, he stops focusing on it, and you two fall into a nice rhythm, washing and drying. Talking about anything that came to mind. School, volleyball, studies, Akaashi…

You two were so into it you almost forgot about the pancakes.

At least until you begin to smell smoke.

You turn curiously to the pan on the flame, only to freak out when the towel you set on top was half caught in fire.

“HOL-HOLY SHIT!” You brain turns to complete mush as all you can do it scream and point to the tiny fire. Your sudden panic causes Bokouto to fall into the same pattern of behaviour, basically letting out panicked hoots. You smack his arm.

“BOKOUTO PUT IT OUT!”

“WHAT?! WHY ME?!”

“I DON’T WANT TO BURN MYSELF!”

“AND I SHOULD?!”

“THIS WAS YOUR IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE!” Bokouto still makes no effort to move it, still yelling and panicking like an idiot. Seeing him actually gives you the courage to try and smother out the fire. Its like your mind finally decided to kick into gear and act. (In hindsight, its probably because you didn’t want your cause of death to be pancakes.) You take a deep breath and quickly take the pan off the stove and shove it under the sink, letting the cool water smother out the fire. You both quiet down as the smoke floats up from the pan, only being able to hear the water running down and both your heavy pants.

“You’re a wimp.” You finally say. But you don’t think Bokouto hears you. The look on his face is complete agony, as he stares down the ruined food.

“My-my… Pancakes…” He manages to say brokenly.  You look down at the pan as well, to see chard, mushes of batter.

Yeah… you really shouldn’t have expected anything. Cooking was never one of your strong suits.

You’ll just have to leave that one to Akaashi…

#fanfic #haikyuu #drabble #bokuto koutarou #bokuto x reader #keiji akaashi #humour #one shot #fluff

[scrybe-of-writings]

It's Normal - P03 & FtM Reader

TW: Gender Crisis, negative thoughts about Gender Crisis, internalized transphobia

oughh the first thing i ever post is a fic about two fellas being trans. go figure. fic's under the cut have fun go ham

I am down horrendously bad for this guy but I also kind of meant to leave this ambiguous on purpose so I guess it's your call on whether it's romantic or platonic or just two guys Being Silly

also I've always headcanoned p03 as being ftm but i guess if you think about it this could be interpreted as either? maybe? idk man robots and gender are equally complicated to write for all i know is that this guy is Not Cis

“I think… I’m trans,” you blurted one game. It had been quiet for a few minutes, nearly bordering on awkward—the two of you hadn’t taken a break for quite some time, and you had begun to run out of things to talk about.

P03 set down a card. “What?”

Immediately, your face began to burn. You should have expected this, really. Why did you think that he, of all people, would get it? Did he even know what being trans was? If so, he’d surely find you even more disgusting than he already had. Stupid. Stupid, stupid—

“Are you going to elaborate, or are you just going to keep your face in your hands?”

Oh. Um.

You lifted your head. “Uh. Trans. Transgender? I think I’m transgender.”

“The hell is that?” Jesus. Okay.

“Uhh. You know, like—um. Okay—so—you know how we have, like, the concept of gender, right? Like. Men and women and all that jazz. And you know how I’m like. A girl. But the thing is I’m not. But. Like. Okay maybe yeah I look like a girl but I’m not really because calling myself that is really super gross and sometimes I wonder if I’d feel better about myself if I cut my hair and stopped wearing blouses and—”

 “God. Okay, slow down. I can’t understand a thing you say when you ramble like that. It’s irritating.”

“I want to cut my hair. And wear bigger clothes. And make my voice lower? I guess?”

He just stared. God, you were a weirdo. Even if he was neutral before, there was no way he wouldn’t despise you after that explanation. Why couldn’t you keep your shit together for ten minutes? You could feel his gaze burning straight through you, but the worst part was that you couldn’t figure out why. He hadn’t said anything for several seconds, and you were getting extremely worried. What the hell was going on in that processor of his? You hated the fact that he was so hard to read sometimes.

The silence was getting too much. “So… there’s that.”

“So what’s the big deal?”

You blinked. “What?”

“I said, ‘what’s the big deal?’ Okay, you have long hair and stuff. Just change it. What, you want scissors? We’re in a factory. Made of metal. Find them yourself. Don’t leave hair on the floor.”

“You’re not grossed out?”

“Am I not supposed to be?” There it was. You knew this would happen. Of course. ‘Do what you like, but I still won’t be a fan’-type shit. God. Stupid. Stupid—

“Of course I’m still grossed out by you. You sweat and leave stray hairs everywhere and you make messes when you eat and I had to install a bathroom because of you. Do you know how much that screwed up the synergy we’ve got going on here? Our system? Beasts are disgusting. Was your haircut supposed to change that?” He scoffed, then went back to looking at his cards. “Your ideas are unhinged, challenger.” 

“No, me being trans.”

“What about it?”

“I—?” This was going in a very different direction than you'd thought it would. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t a little relieved, but part of you still wasn’t convinced that he wasn’t playing some kind of trick on you. “Doesn’t that freak you out?”

“No…? Did you hit your head? Do you have some kind of brain-eating parasite? Did you breathe in some of those freaky mushrooms? I told you not to go back there. Anyway, it happens to everyone. Chill out. You’re not special.”

Wait. “What?”

“What?” “What do you mean it happens to everyone?”

“I mean it happens to everyone.”

Did— Was he—?

“I… don’t think so.”

“Of course it does.”

“So it’s happened to Dredger? And Inspector? Leshy? The mages?”

“Okay, maybe not everyone,” he said, a little too quickly. “But it’s not some super interesting thing like I’m betting you’re hoping it is. Super normal. So calm down. Are we done?” P03’s eyes refused to meet your own, despite how much they were darting around, and you could hear clicks getting increasingly louder as he kept stacking the same cars on the table. “Can we get back to our game, now?”

Holy shit. You didn’t think you’d ever seen him this uncomfortable before. A few minutes prior you might have thought it was because you were the culprit—freaking him out with your weird gender moment and all—but you were beginning to suspect that maybe it was something else. You had never been one to pry, but…

“P03?”

“What.”

“Do… you want to talk about something?”

He hesitated, like he was about to let his walls down, even for a second, but stopped himself, and you saw the emotion leave his face again. Still he refused to show vulnerability, it seemed. He picked up his cards. “No. Not really.”

You picked yours up, too. “Alright. Well, if you change your mind… We’re a little bit in need of a conversation topic, aren’t we?”

“Tsk. Okay."

The room was quiet again, but after a while, you heard a very soft, "Scissors are in the middle drawer. You’re really stupid, you know that?”

“Ha, ha. Okay, buddy."

#inscryption #p03 #p03 x reader #??? #ig you could read it that way? #two fellas being gay and trans #the youth's queer agenda.... seeping into our media....

[jadeoxfordrose]

what's one of the harder lessons that you went through in your adulthood that you are proud of making through? What kind of advice would you give for others going through difficult things?

Sorry it took me so long to reply to this one Nonny, I was not prepared for a question that required some heavy introspection lol.

To be honest, I’m not sure - any lessons I can think to say I’ve managed to learn, I often find that I’ve had stuff come up to make me reconsider or challenge things. In terms of important ones I try to keep mind off though; knowing when to trust other people over yourself and when to trust yourself over others; learning that not liking something or something doesn’t necessarily mean anything about them, you’re allowed to just not like things. That said, don’t be afraid to get a second opinion, your judgement could be on the money.

As for advice, aside from the old ‘if you’re mad at everyone eat something, if you think everyone’s mad at you take a nap, if you;re mad at yourself take a shower’ (this has helped me more than I’d care to admit) and ‘don’t trust your negative thoughts after 9pm (and in my case, before 8am), I would say the best advice I can give is try and form a support network or if you already have one, use it. Reaching out to folks is hard but that outside perspective, even if it's just a gentle reminder that depression is a liar who lies, or someone body doubling with you on discord so you can make a scary phone call, is invaluable.

(Ask box is always open, more questions welcome!)

#in response to #anonymous #please bear in mind that while i am trying my best #i am also a trans person with depression living in the uk and on the cusp of autistic burnout #there are better people to get advice from x

[tnlbarth-blog]

July 31 2024 - 7:02pm

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

Cleaning is something that a lot of people don't really like. It's hard work that you are required to do at home. Work that you don't get paid money to do. For many cleaning is filled with negative feelings from trauma that stems from their childhood when their parents punished them for not cleaning, not cleaning right or for being too clean. Cleaning trauma stems from a large variety of things.

Sometimes a dirty home is the cause of other traumas manifesting in a need to barricade yourself in your home or having obsessive compulsive disorders making it hard for the individual to even want to touch anything that fell to the floor. Some people get sick or injured and are unable to keep their home clean and are unable or unwilling to ask for help.

People fight tooth and nail so as not to clean their living spaces. But it usually is not because they are lazy. Cleaning a home especially one that is super filthy can be overwhelming and can cause people to avoid it making their situation worse. Others aren't equipped with the executive functioning to be able to clean their home, whether that be from depression or ADHD.

It's super important to know how cleaning affects yourself and the people around you. Especially when it comes time to clean your space and or their space.

My brother's space easily gets overrun with trash and other things. His space is small and he has a very limited time in his week to do anything let alone clean up after himself.

At most he has 30hrs a week where he is awake and able to do anything. That is 1-2 hours he is up before his nightshift job every day and then the rest of that awake time is split between the two days he has off every week. Sometimes he has less time if he gets hit with working mandatory overtime on the weekends.

When he does clean his room he needs someone in there to keep him company or body doubling. I usually sit on his bed while he cleans his room we listen to music and have conversations while he cleans. Sometimes I even help, like last time, I helped gather pop cans and bottles for him.

My cleaning habits are much different. I usually do my best to keep my room clean as best I can for as long as I can. I don't have a job at the moment so it's easier for me to maintain. But that doesn't mean I don't have road blocks to keep my space clean.

I have a host of mental conditions that keep me from having my room stay clean. These conditions cause me to have executive functioning challenges. I have a hard time initiating cleaning but once I start I in turn have a hard time stopping. Breaks to eat are hard to do for me and when I do it can take me hours to get back to what I was doing after I finished my food causing even simple tasks to last all day. Unlike my brother I don't work well with body doubling. I don't like the feeling of others watching me while I clean. I am pretty sure that stems from my childhood cleaning traumas.

I also have physical road blocks as well. I have medical conditions that get in my way. From getting lightheaded from straightening up after picking things off the floor to chronic pain that worsens when I do a lot of moving around. I work hard at accommodating myself while I work. I stay seated while picking things up off the floor. I use a standing dustpan. I take pain medicine preemptively. I take breaks when I need them.

I tend to work hard at keeping my space clean so I don't have to clean my room up "when it needs it".

Today was a "when it needs it" time. I have had a hard time keeping up with keeping my room clean lately due to taking care of my cat. My chronic pain and fatigue have not been helping either.

Today though I put on some music and got to work. It took all day but my mattress is flipped and my bed is made. My floors are clean and my table is clean and organized. I am exhausted from all the work I did today but I am pleased with how my space looks and feels.

Regards

TNL Barth

[kpophubb]

2am :*^

🍯Should we make something special on fifth of each month😃 🎂🪴

❣️Also, I wanna wish you a great Friday and happy weekend🌿 cannot wait for your replies💗💓 sending you 🌠the biggest hug ever💖💗

And the playlist is ❌ Mia but MY MIA🫵🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

Eat good ,rest well and be happy 🍀🌸💛💛

🐁

Hi baby😭💗 first of ALL,, resend me letter #1 bc the LINK WOULDN’T open!! Was it the ✉️ link? “Page not found” was being shown shsnsjsn pls I WANNA READ IT SO BAD cause each word you say is just so precious to me 🥹🫶🏻 and idk if you know but, letters are my favourite things to receive in general. 💌 physical ones are the BEST among em all.

First of all, pls do not worry about not being able to send me asks. I knew the conditions you were dealing with my love, I was just worried sick about you😭💗 I wanted to know how you were doing, whether you were doing okay, whether you met nice people or slept properly, whether you were sick or healthy and everything else to know. Every message you always send me and everything you say about yourself to me, they mean a lot to me so I remember every detail and wonder so much about you when you’re gone. 🥺

Sure we can make it our anniversary¿ on the 5th of every month?😍🙈 anything you’d like, I’m pretty bad with stuffs like this </3 I read your entire letter and first of all, WELCOME HOME TO ME MY LOVELY GIRL!! ❣️🫂 you’ve worked so hard and gone through so much, I’m sending you the warmest hugs and the sweetest head pats ever! To deal with so much, not everyone can do this you’re my strong and amazing girl who deserves to be applauded for her courage and strength! I’m really happy to hear that you’ve been getting a little better mentally and I hope the new year your life takes a 180• turn and you’re flooded with happiness, success, joy and a reunion with your family somewhere. 💗 you deserve it more than anyone I know baby!!

people are always mean and people will always be mean, for NO reason. Some people are just built w/ negative vibes and they have to make you feel less than whole and problematic, but in reality you’re not! I know it’s hard for you to get over the words and behaviour of other people, considering your selfless and friendly personality but I hope it gets easier for you and god surrounds you with nice and appreciative people who always remind you you’re worth so much ❤️ and ofc im here to give you the love and encouragement you need. I’ll try my best to give you the support of 100 genuine people/ friend so you will never feel lonely!! 😤

and oh pls WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!😭 ofc there are many many precious people on my blog- my anons, my moots, my followers and all of you mean the world to me but IN DIFFERENT WAYS. No one can replace no one. You’re gonna be YOU and I’m gonna love you IN YOUR DIFFERENT AND UNIQUE WAY THAT IS ONLY RESERVED FOR YOU! 👆🏻💋 and, I went on a trip to Middle East !! 🥰 I did receive gifts I mean I shopped a lot there so yeah count those as gifts from my mom? Ahaha lol. Anyway, I had the most peaceful new year I could ever think of! ~~

This year’s gonna be tough for me!! I need to work real hard and face a lot of challenges and especially the first few months are gonna be hectic and draining. I move out next month and then have to literally build a new life somewhere unknown w unknown people 💔 which makes me super anxious but I’ll get through it!! 🫶🏻 my lovely anonie, I wish you stay healthy, happy and wish I can continue to brighten up your life, day and entire year!!😘 I love you and here’s the squishiest hugs ever for you!! If you’d want, we can ofc be closer and even call eachother and send eachother voice messages 🫶🏻 (ofc if you’d want it someday) btw, I did so many face reveals these few months 🤭 idk if you saw tehee 👉🏻👈🏻

#mia’s asks #engene 💌 #🐁 anonie

[heart-songs]

Living, or perhaps more accurately, existing with depression is like being underwater. There’s a different kind of pressure on your body than for those on dry land, something that separates their world from yours. You can hear sounds of life going on around you, distantly and undefined, muffled by the constant interference of your own thoughts. There are moments of complete darkness and moments when glimmers of sunlight seep into the corners of your eyes. You want to follow it. You kick for the surface, but there’s always something holding you back, a rusty old anchor chained to your ankle, making sure everything you strive for remains out of reach. And one of the many, many questions that keeps running through your mind is: what do I do to survive?... even though you want to do more than survive; you want to live.

There’s a lot of advice out there; some of it sought out, some of it unsolicited, most of it from well-intentioned people who care about you and want to help.

In a moment of despair, I find myself timorously clicking the words coping with depression into a search engine and nibbling on my fingernails as I scroll through the results, the solution, the secret everyone seems to be in on. Everyone but me. What I find are the same tired words and reductive platitudes, or some version of them, staring back at me:

establish a routine, set small goals, exercise, eat well, get out there more, try a new hobby, challenge negative thoughts – and my personal favorite – get adequate sleep.

And it’s incredibly frustrating because all of this advice…it's indisputably good advice – for anyone really. But good advice isn't always helpful in all situations. Not when all you hear and see is a list of things you’ve tried…and tried again, only to end up right back where you started. And it’s all so…matter of fact, so oversimplified. It doesn’t take into account any of these truths…

The routine you are stuck in is the thing that’s slowly killing you. Setting goals, even small ones, is one of the most daunting tasks you can imagine. Exercise and a healthy diet don’t keep depression at bay. The thought of being around other people – people who are obviously doing everything better than you are – makes you want to crawl back under the covers and hide. You can’t muster up interest in anything right now. Starting a new hobby is out of the question. And then there are those pesky negative thoughts. They aren’t just mere distractions, something you can swat away or ignore like a gnat. They are gut-wrenching fears and insecurities, accumulated through a lifetime of painful experiences, and there aren’t enough positive thoughts in your arsenal to combat them. And sleep? People speak of sleep as if it’s a tangible thing, something one can simply go out and purchase, then use as directed. You know this as well as I do, something others neglect to understand is that depression has an extremely powerful will of its own, especially in regard to sleep. Despite your best efforts, it exhausts you into patterns of too much or too little sleep.

You know all of this. But, on the other hand, you think, there must be something to this magic formula. After all, you wouldn’t keep coming across these same suggestions if they didn’t actually work. So, if these simple solutions work, then why haven’t they worked for you? You conclude that there must be something inherently wrong with you. You aren’t trying hard enough. Or maybe you are, but you’re just incompetent. You’re failing to perform these very simple tasks, which everyone else does so effortlessly. And even though, in more rational moments, you might realize this isn’t the intended message of the advice, the depressed mind perceives judgement – everywhere.  

Depression has an answer for everything. Depression seeps into every part of you, haunts you day and night, and the chasm between knowing what you should do and doing what you can bear to do gets exponentially larger. Depression leaves you in a place where simple things – like getting out of bed, or eating, or brushing your hair feel like overwhelming responsibilities. As it is, you have to conserve your energy, because if you push yourself too hard to perform such very simple tasks, what energy will be left for even simpler ones? Like breathing. Breathing can be unbelievably strenuous to those of us plagued with depression. 

The other oppressive hallmark of existing with depression is this: sometimes, you find the energy to do one or more of these things, and you feel better for a while. You might even allow yourself the luxury of believing you’ve survived the worst of it, that things are finally headed in the right direction. But there’s always a nagging voice inside that won’t let you fully enjoy it. It’s the same voice that tells you a few moments of peace is all you get. The one that convinces you the peace you felt was just an illusion.

The awful truth is that you never forget what depression feels like. You never stop dreading its return. You cling to the life raft and prepare to hold your breath. Because it’s only a matter of time before the next wave crashes over your head and pulls you back under, even deeper than before.

#depression #anxiety #awful truths #struggle #coping #uncertainty #what it feels like #spilled ink #ramblings #my writing #cora finch #heartsongs #prose

[syntheticavenger]

All You Need

This is my submission for @gotnofucks​ Body Positivity challenge. I won’t be doing a lot of posting at the moment but I did want to try to submit something. Dibs, this is such a wonderful idea and I love it! A huge thank you to @punemy-spotted​ for helping me settle on a plot!

Steve Rogers x Female Reader

Warnings: 18+ ONLY. Language (Negative self-talk about the body), angst and a positive ending.

Summary | Steve whisks you away for your first weekend together to take your mind off of work but sharing a bed together brings back insecurities you’d tried to hide.

It isn’t until you see the hotel coming into view, majestic against the backdrop of the mountains as the afternoon sun shines down, that you realize you left your bug repellent at home.

Normally, this wouldn’t be an issue, except you aren’t staying in one of the big suites where you can enjoy the landscape in peace from the balcony. Steve decided that he wanted to try one of the cabins that the hotel is known for, right out along the lake. You were excited to get away from work, your first official weekend together since you’d been a couple.

Bug repellent.

You need it.

When the car is parked, Steve kisses your cheek, telling you to stay inside as he goes to check in. You relax in your seat, looking around at the different landscape. You can appreciate the leisurely way the hotel employees walk, smiling at each other with a wave. Work in the city is obviously much more hustle and bustle and you find yourself wondering if you could ever give it up and move somewhere quiet.

You chew on your lower lip while you think about this weekend. Steve has been looking forward to this for weeks. He’s going to teach you how to fish, have a campfire by the lake and more importantly – at least to you – this will be the first time you will be sharing a bed together. The thought makes you nervous, knowing that you packed accordingly, especially knowing he will be so close. Yoga pants and an oversized shirt to sleep in, to make sure he doesn’t see what you always try to hide.

The door opens and he’s carrying two big brown bags, placing them into the backseat.

“I got you two different kinds of bug repellent,” Steve tells you, holding them up for you to see. “I saw the look in your eye and I figured you left something at home.”

“Extra strength?” you tease. “You’re too good to me.”

When he gets in the car, he squeezes your hand, gently enough for you to know he wants you to be happy.

“I know you this isn’t the beach you are used to and I promise, we’ll do that. I just figured a little time away would help. You’ve been working so hard, sweetheart. I’m glad you’re able to take a little break. We’ll have fun,” he promises you, bringing your hand up to his mouth to kiss it softly. “Trust me.”

-

The cabin overlooks the lake, Steve refusing your help to unpack the groceries as he herds you over to the couch.

“You’re supposed to be relaxing. I got it. I’ll bring you a drink in a little bit,” he tells you, disappearing around the corner as you hear the fridge open and close. You lean back onto the couch, closing your eyes for a moment. It is peaceful, you’ll give him that. No sounds of traffic or people talking loudly. You can feel yourself relaxing as your shoulders lower.

You feel Steve in front you when you open your eyes, offering you a drink with a coaster underneath it.

“I’d sip it slowly,” Steve warns you, eyeing you as you bring the glass to your lips. “There’s a little -”

You sputter and cough, covering your mouth as it burns going down your throat.

“… Asgardian liquor in it,” he finishes with a smile. “Just a small bit but it packs a punch.”

You nod at his warning, clearing your throat as you set it down on the table to let the ice cubes melt a little, even if you aren’t sure that it will help.

You take your drink with you into the bedroom, stopping at the massive bed in front of you. The ice clinks in the glass as you take a longer sip, the liquor burning down your throat. Steve’s spent the night before, you tell yourself, unsure of why you’re suddenly nervous.

After another sip, you place the coaster and the glass on the dresser, unpacking your toiletries as you hear Steve rummaging around for something in the closet. The liquor makes you warm already, unbuttoning the second button on your shirt while you step out of the bathroom.

“Wanna go for a swim?” Steve asks, heading into the room while you freeze for a moment.

“I didn’t pack a swimsuit,” you admit. “I don’t even own one.”

“Really? We could have gotten you one before we got here. It’s alright, just figured since it was warm that maybe you wanted to go swimming.”

“I don’t swim,” you say with a shake of your head, thinking back of all of the times you tried on different swimsuits, the way you hated how you looked and what it showed. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, sweetheart. It’s a little warm for a hike, is all so I’m trying to think of an alternative. You feeling okay?”

“The liquor,” you answer with a sheepish smile. “It’s strong.”

Steve laughs, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“Are you hungry? It’s getting dark so I’d say fishing is out of the question but I can make us an early dinner.”

“I was going to take a shower. Dinner sounds great.”

“I’ll get dinner started and I’ll have a glass of wine waiting for you when you get out.”

-

Stepping out of the shower and wrapping the towel around you, you let out a slow breath, your toes sinking into the soft bathroom mat as you stare at yourself in the mirror. When you’re alone, you know they are there, the marks etched into your hips and down your thighs and right below your lower back.

When the bad thoughts wash over you, you want to speak them into existence, your lips trembling with the thought. You’ve been so good with treating yourself kindly and you don’t want to go back to how you used to be, when you would say the words to yourself that you wouldn’t even say to your best friend.

Your fingers trail down your hip, tightening the skin to see the marks slightly disappear. You’ve tried everything. Body oils, skin creams and even exfoliation and nothing works, at least not for you. You can’t imagine Steve running his hands over your body.

Not when it looks like this.

“Ugly,” you seethe, tears welling in your eyes.

You’ve broken your promise to yourself to treat yourself with kindness and you wipe away the tears, drying off quickly as you apply your lotion and pull on your clothes. It feels better to conceal it, under the leggings and oversized shirt, as opposed to the shorts and shirt set you’d bought at on whim when your confidence was higher.

When you open the door, Steve is waiting, a glass of wine in his hand as he examines your face.

“What’s the matter?”

You know you should keep it together. You’re stronger than this, you tell yourself. But the way he asks the question, blue eyes filled with concern as he places the glass down and places his hands on your arms, rubbing them gently to soothe you.

“N-Nothing,” you answer, blinking back tears. “Bad thoughts again.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” you whisper, looking down. “Maybe later.”

Steve nods understandingly, like he always does because he’s perfect in that sort of way before he looks over his shoulder at the table.

“What about dinner? Are you still hungry?”

When you nod, he breathes a sigh of slight relief, pulling out your chair as you sit.

Grilled chicken and sundried tomato pasta waits for you, your mouth watering at the scent. It’s one of Steve’s favorite hobbies when he’s not away – he and Bucky randomly started watching the Food Network and started to have their own challenges – and you were able to eat the fruits of his labor.

At the first bite, you savor it, aware of how Steve is careful to avoid the topic of your tears. The conversation flows to what he’s planned out, waiting for you to decide if it’s a good idea or a bad one. He’s so thoughtful with what he’s decided that you find yourself excited for a hike and a visit to a brewery that is at the end of a trail. You’re excited to explore with Steve by your side most of all.

After dinner, you both wash the dishes together, Steve washing while you dry, ever so often sneaking a kiss that makes you laugh.

Dessert is making s’mores near the dock, Steve watching your features as the fire in the fit grows.

“Relaxed?” he asks you, handing you a plate with the gooey marshmallow and chocolate concoction.

“Very,” you answer, taking a small bite as you hum in pleasure at the taste. “This is heaven.”

You hear him laugh as you eat, mind off of your thoughts from earlier. For now, it’s just the sound of the cicadas and the breeze. A far cry from your apartment and you’re grateful for these moments. Even more so, grateful for Steve.

-

By the time you get inside, your shirt smells smoky and you wrinkle your nose at the scent, pawing through your bag while Steve changes his shirt. It’s effortless for him, your eyes scanning down his perfect body as you feel a wave of sadness. You wish you could do the same but you head into the bathroom to change, yanking up your leggings to cover your marks before you let the shirt fall back down.

When you crawl into bed, you fit perfectly into Steve’s arms, snuggling against his chest.

“Thank you,” you begin, letting out a soft sigh. “I needed this.”

“I’m glad,” Steve murmurs against your lips before he kisses you softly. “You were long overdue for a break. I wish we could stay longer.”

“Me too.”

When you kiss him back, the little boost of courage in the back of your head tells you to keep going as Steve’s grip on you tightens slightly as he lowers you gently onto the bed. His hand grazes down your ribs and at the hem of your shirt when you break the kiss.

“Wait,” you squeak, putting your hand over his as he stops, jerking your body toward him. “Can you turn the light off?”

“Sure, sweetheart,” Steve answers, letting you go as he gets up to turn it off. “Everything okay?”

You realize how jumpy you were and you try to answer.

“I don’t like the lights on,” you admit, feeling the dip in the bed as he returns. “I’m sorry.”

He smiles at you and you want to tell him the truth. That you can’t fathom how he would handle seeing your body.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” he reminds you gently. “Whatever helps make you comfortable, I’ll do it.”

But you know your response to him and what that means as he keeps his distance, wanting to respect you and your boundaries.

You turn on your side, hot tears spilling down your cheeks, your fingers pulling down the hem of your shirt to make sure it doesn’t ride up. At your soft sniffle, you hear him call your name and you lift your head.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” you begin, your voice wavering. “I didn’t want you to see.”

“See what?”

“My-my marks,” you admit, curling into a ball as you hear him sit up.

“What marks? Sweetheart, talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

“I have,” you gulp, closing your eyes as shame washes over you. “Stretch marks. They’re ugly, Steve. I don’t wear a lot of things because of them. They are all over and I hate them and there’s nothing I can do but stare at them and wish they would go away.”

It’s out in the open now, your sighs shuddering with every breath. Now he knows the truth and you wait for his response.

“Stretch marks,” Steve repeats quietly. “I think you’re perfect.”

“You haven’t seen them,” you hiccup. “Trust me, they’re not cute.”

“I know two things,” Steve says, settling down against you, his warmth soothing you. “One, it’s a natural reaction. The body’s way of taking care of you. It means your body is doing its job. No one has a perfect body.”

“You do,” you sniffle.

“I don’t and I wasn’t always in this bigger body. I still have some scars, they’re just faded because of the serum but they’re there. It means we are living, sweetheart. Those marks don’t make you. They are there because you are a beautiful, living breathing human being with a heart of gold, a beautiful smile and you have a body that I love because it belongs to you,” Steve praises against your ear, holding you close. “Second, I know that there is nothing more important to me than you feeling comfortable in your skin. If I have to remind you every single day for the rest of my life that you’re perfect to me then I’ll do that because you mean the world to me. But you have to see it. I’ll just be your cheerleader over here, hoping you see yourself the way I do.”

His hand is on your hip and you grab it, pulling it up under your shirt as you place it near your side.

“Do you feel them?”

The pads of his fingers ghost over your skin.

“I just feel an amazing woman that I can’t get enough of.”

The acceptance of what you know he can feel and what you know to be true from his words makes you smile slowly. You and your body have been on a journey and you know that it’s time to be kind to yourself. These marks are a part of you, telling a story without words and you know that none of them are the same.

Uniquely shaped and nothing to be ashamed of.

“Promise?” you ask, cuddling against his solid chest.

“I promise.”

#tw: negative self talk #tw: body negativity #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #dibspositivitychallenge

[tricksters-captain]

Benny Watts/The Queens Gambit imagines - From Pawn to Pen Part 4

AN: I’m sorry I missed posting last week. I’m currently going through a hard break up and it’s really taking a lot of energy out of me so I struggle to write at the moment. 

Overall Summary: You’re a young journalist for Chess Review, with a love for chess and a desire for knowledge. One day at a tournament, you come across the famous Benny Watts...

In this chapter: You return to Boston for the week. 

(PART 1) (PART 2) (PART 3)

Pairing(s): Benny Watts x Fem!reader

Word Count: 1,940

Warnings: Some strong language

You smiled as you looked at the copies of ‘Chess Review’ on the racks. 

Your first front page piece for Chess Review. 

They had used one of the pictures of Benny that you had taken at the hotel and you were pretty proud of your photography skills. 

You picked up a copy and took it inside to pay for it. 

On second thought, you picked up two so you could mail one to Angelie. 

You left the store quickly after and started to walk back to your apartment. 

Boston was busier than you had remembered and you finally had some time to sort out the apartment after your article went down well with the big man. 

You opened the door to your apartment and put down your groceries on the kitchen counter top. 

The last tenant hadn’t left the place in too bad a state, just a carpet stain here and there and a broken lamp. 

You had bought some paint to redecorate your living room and bedroom since it seemed too boring after where you lived in Paris. You had spent the last couple days painting and then you finally left to go check out your title page. 

The books that Benny had given you were still on your small two person dining room table where you had left them when you first got back. You looked over at them and furrowed your brow as you thought about whether you are actually going to bother to read them or not. 

Your phone started to ring and your frown disappeared when you realised it was probably Angelie. No one else had your number besides your work. 

“Hello?” You answered it, taking the phone off the wall as you leant beside it. 

“Miss (Y/L/N)?” You’d recognise that voice anywhere after listening to it so much over the last tournament. 

“Benny Watts?” You asked, almost in shock. 

“Have you read those books I leant you yet?” He asked, not even bothering to confirm it was him. 

“It’s been four days.” You told him flatly. 

“You could’ve easily gotten through at least two of them by now.” Benny challenged you which caused you to shake your head (even though he couldn’t see). 

“You know, Benny Watts, I do have a life to live.” You defended yourself to which Benny found amusing. 

“So, you’re back in Boston since you picked up this phone.” Benny changed the subject completely. 

“How did you even get this number?” You asked, genuinely curious and a little worried. 

“You really think Chess Review won’t hand over your telephone number to their favourite US chess player?” 

“You got it from Beth Harmon then?”  You teased the boy to which he responded with a dry laughter. 

“Ha Ha. Very funny.” Benny retorted, “If you’re in Boston, it means you currently aren’t working. Fancy an educational trip to New York City?” 

“Benny, I told you. I’m not coming to New York.” You reminded him about how you declined previously when he asked. 

“Come on, just for the weekend? We’ll play some chess, do some tourist shit and eat some food?” Benny asked, trying his best to persuade you Benny Watts style. 

“I’ve also told you before that I don’t play.” You felt a small bubble of excitement in your stomach as you considered going to New York but you quickly squashed it down. 

“What are you afraid of?” Benny asked. Deja Vu. 

“Why are you pushing this?” You closed your eyes as you let your head roll back to press against the wall. 

“Because I see that same light that’s in Beth Harmon, that’s in every decent chess player when you see a chess board.” Benny confessed to you. 

“I’m sorry, Benny. You’ll just have to find someone else to play with. I don’t want to be apart of this little game.” You hung up the phone with a sad sigh before Benny could respond. 

You found yourself looking at the books again. 

You picked up Benny’s and you opened it...

“I’ve been waiting all day for your call.” You half scolded Angelie as you answered the call. 

You heard Angelie’s laughter through the phone and it made you home sick. 

“Je suis désolé!” Angie apologised. “This new project has me so busy, constantly on set, costume changes, make up changes, redoing scene..!” 

“It sounds awful.”  You chuckled, 

“It is! You wouldn’t understand... You’re just a big time American journalist.” Angelie pouted. “Anyway, how are you?” 

“I’m okay.” You lied. 

“Menteuse!” Angelie called you out. “Tell me the truth. What is bothering you, Mon Cher?” 

“Benny Watts called me today.” You had filled her in on the tournament with him once you had first arrived back in Boston and she had already previously told you off for not taking his offer to New York. 

“He did?!” Angie gasped. 

“Yes, he did. He got my number through work and called me to ask if I had read the books he gave me which I haven’t because it’s been less than a week since. the tournament.” You explained. 

“That boy is in love with you, I am telling you now.” Angie was always the hopeless romantic type. It’s how she has had her heart broke so many times. 

“The boy wants to play chess with me to assert his masculine dominance over me and boost his ego with an easy win.” You argued. 

“You are always so negative about men! You hardly know this one!” Angelie groaned. 

“He’s Benny Watts. That’s all I need to know.” 

“I think you should go to New York and meet with him.” Angelie told you. You hadn’t even informed her about the fact he asked you again. 

“I think I should stay here and enjoy my first weekend off in six months.” You shook your head at the idea. 

“(Y/n), you only live once and how many girls are invited to New York by the Benny Watts?!” 

“Probably quite a lot.” You knew Angie was only trying to hype you up but you couldn’t help but knock her down. 

“Even if that is so. You could probably get another article out of it. Benny Watts and his life in the big apple?” Angie suggested. 

“I’m sure ‘LIFE’ has already done that piece before.” You pushed another idea aside. 

“Trust me, (Y/n). You need to stop being so afraid of the unknown and who knows, maybe you’ll enjoy yourself?” Angelie had had enough of the negativity from you at this point. 

There was a sudden knock at your door. 

“I’m sorry, Angie. Someone’s just knocked on my door, I’ll have to call you back.” You looked over at your front door and wondered who it could be. 

“Ça va. Call me back!” She told you as the knock occurred again. 

“Je t'aime.” You hung the phone back up on the wall and went over to your door. 

You opened it and you felt your face go white at the sight of who stood there. 

“Jesus, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Benny Watts. 

BENNY WATTS.

“What the hell are you doing here?” You asked him. 

“Well,  you wouldn’t come to me so I came to you.” Benny shrugged. 

“You can’t just stalk someone. This isn’t okay. This isn’t cute!” You were bewildered. 

“This isn’t stalking. It’s simply coming to Boston to visit a friend.” He defended himself as he stood out in the hallway. 

“I wouldn’t call us friends, Benny.” You scoffed. 

“Ouch.” Benny put his hand on his heart. 

You went to close your door on him but Benny stopped you. 

“Wait.” He pleaded. His cocky demeanour suddenly dropped. “Look, I know this is weird but I really wanted to see you.” Benny started to explain. 

“I––” He cut you short. 

“–– This isn’t some game. I just want to help you. I want you to play chess again. I want you to play with me.” Benny stayed with his hand against the door and his foot in the gap as he spoke. 

“This is crazy, Benny.” You told him, your eyes locked on his as you felt your heart race. 

“I know.” Benny stepped back. “I’m staying in the hotel down the block. I’ll be here all weekend. If you don’t want to see me, then don’t. But if you change your mind. I’ll be around.” 

You watched him back away from the door and head back down the stairs. 

Benny fucking Watts. 

You rushed back to the phone and dialled Angelie’s number. 

“Bonjour?” She answered, 

“You’ll never guess who was at the door.” 

You ended up tossing and turning all night. 

You caved in at around 3am and started to read Benny’s book again. 

You finished it by the time the sun was rising. 

You had a cold shower to wake you up at around 9am and then you stared in the mirror as the thoughts racked your brain. 

You walked over to your chess set that rested on the dresser top and you took it over to your bed, opening it up. 

You set up the board and stared at it.  

You picked up the queen. The same queen that Benny had held in the photo you took. 

You caved. 

You dressed and did simple make up before heading to the hotel that Benny had told you he was staying. 

“I’m looking for Mr Benny Watts.” You asked the elderly lady at the front desk. 

“He’s staying in room 306 but I’m almost certain I saw him leave about an hour ago for breakfast.” She informed you. 

You thanked her then sighed. 

You left the hotel lobby and started down the street. There was plenty of places to eat around the hotel, you almost considered just waiting in the lobby for him to return. 

Then you saw it. 

Through a window of a small diner. 

The famous black hat. 

You pushed open the diner door and walked towards the booth where Benny was sat. 

He had his back to you but he didn’t seem surprised to see you when you sat down opposite him.  

“Morning.” He greeted you as he munched on some pancakes. 

“I won’t play chess with you.” You stated. “I won’t play chess with you but I will spend the weekend with you and you can talk about it.”

Benny remained silent as his brown eyes watched you carefully. 

“I finished your book.” You told him. “I'm ready to learn.” 

Benny placed his knife and fork down, picking up the napkin beside his plate to wipe his mouth. 

“Great.” He nodded, interlinking his fingers above his food as he elbows rested on the table.  “Let’s begin.” 

(WHAT HAPPENS NEXT HERE)

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#benny watts x reader #benny watts imagines #benny watts imagines #benny watts x femreader #benny watts #the queens gambit imagines #the queens gambit #Thomas Brodie Sangster #Thomas Brodie Sangster imagines #newt #Beth Harmon #Anya Taylor joy

[everythingthemoontouches]

💙Hi there! , First of all i want to tell you that i love your blog! And i love how your posts are so accurate!💙 If its okay with you could you please do me a favor by describing how others see me,my appearance or more specifically the vibe I radiate to others! It would mean alot to me if you you do that💙I'm a cancer sun,leo rising,Lilith sextile asc, Pluto trine asc, Uranus opposition asc, Moon opposition asc, mars sextile venus, mars opposition neptune, asteroid lilith conjunct mc and jupiter in the 1st house!💙

Hola!

Thank you that's really kind of you 💛💕

You know that quote that says Cinderella never asked for a prince. All she wanted was a night out and a dress. You kind of exude a similar vibe but with respect to leadership positions. 'I never asked to be Queen/King, but the people have spoken' kind of an energy. You would be equally happy to be by yourself, learning about the subconscious mind, higher realms and other esoteric science.

For more on Jupiter in LEO I'd recommend watching Astrofinesse.

For jupiter in the first there's KRS.

🌻As a Leo rising you come across as someone outgoing, with a playful energy but you're also somehow someone people would expect to see in a position of authority. You're drawn to people who stimulate you intellectually and love to exchange ideas.

😬If you have an Aquarius saturn you could be having some challenges in your relationships since December 2020 as saturn transits your 7th house. I'd suggest practicing discernment in this area as well as signing contracts with people until it passes( early 2023) ..

😇12th house sun could take on other people's energy. I feel like you need some time away, by yourself, preferably at the beach / pool/ shower to declutter, clear your head and replenish your sense of Self. You could be highly intuitive. If this resonates, I'd urge you to look up empath drain and how to protect yourself from energy vampires.

Ruler of the ascendant in the 12th :

spirituality could be a huge part of your life. For some people this could show a father (figure) who was convicted or worked in a prison / asylum. They could also have a really remote job. Since the sun is also your own personal identity, you could profit off these themes. Working in a mental health facility, overseas, in esoteric crafts.

��With your moon in the 7th house, you probably attract a lot of older women, (queen of swords) nurturing energies . Your mom could have a major influence on any business partnerships that you enter.

In relationships you could have a here today gone tomorrow kind of a presence. This is because as the moon waxes and wanes so does your attraction / attachment to specific people?

♒Aquarius moon : it could be really hard for you to express your feelings. So Instead of asking for a hug there could be a tendency to say something like ' ew imagine asking for one?' you leave a place better than you found it. If you watch hindi movies, 3 Idiots could be a movie you really resonate with. ( I pretty much spent the day looking up the lead actor, who has major aquarius placements and his films have always been disruptive with a really nice social message that left people talking for years after they were released. I tell you this because he shares 2 of your big 3 - aquarius and cancer.)

Going off on this tangent you could be a well respected teacher / writer / entertainer. Jupiter in LEO could help with this.

I do feel like you need a certain amount of inventiveness in your relationships. The people you're with are people who introduce you to new hobbies / ideas / technologies. You need to feel like you guys learn something new or create something that matters together. This is enhanced by uranus in the 7th house. You could come across really cold because you always give people the naked honest truth when asked. You do this from a place of love. I'm reminded of the Queen of Swords card in the rider Waite tarot. Not everyone has the maturity to take it. Or maybe they've just had a bad day. It is what it is. Perhaps try to not be so incisive if this is something you struggle with.

In the same vein, if I asked you to write down how you were feeling how long would it take for you to identify the right emotion. How honest are you with yourself?

Moon and Uranus being in the same house could show that stagnation could really hurt your mental health / happiness / satisfaction levels.

With a saturn ruled moon I feel like I need to remind you to not be so hard on yourself. Like. The world won't crumble to dust if you allow yourself to take care of you once in a while.there's only so much you can do.

All those coffee mugs will catch up. There's no such thing as extra hours in the day. A lack of sleep manifests as early signs of aging. No hate for the elderly but arthritis is not a fun ailment to have. Do you wanna be 60 with 80 year old nervous system problems? I rest my case.

Uranus and moon aspect your ascendant so you could have a slightly plump look?

Jupiter in the first house people usually have prominent thighs. I had a friend with this placement and when we were growing up she used to complain of chafed thighs a lot?

Mars sextile venus you could be your own type? The way you act and the way you want your future partners to express love could be quite similar which is good for healthy relationships.

There could be a tendency to spend impulsively.

With Mars sextiling venus you could be someone who earns more the more active their lifestyle is? Like, you may need to be an agile learner to keep money flowing in .

Jupiter in LEO in a woman's chart usually shows they'd have a financially well off spouse so money may not be a huge concern. He could be a sailor or earn via exports/ navy. It's hard to say without knowing where your Saturn is.

The image you project to the world could be a lot more outgoing than how you actually feel. You're more private than people think.

With a fire rising, water sun and air moon you could either be a really balanced person or just have a number of clashing ideas on who to be, what to do and achieve.

Descendant : The people that hate on you could attack your need to stand out /try to dim your time in the spotlight. Think aquarius themes of standing out to improve community clashing with Leo's need to stand out solely because it helps their ego. Like your confidence could trigger the part if them that felt judged negatively for expressing their individuality.

Do you feel like you thrive in chaos? I'm guessing you're atleast in your late 20s if not older, so you might have gotten better at dealing with people acting unexpectedly. Your mom could have been unpredictable. Really intelligent, but forgets to eat ..

🥤🦀As a cancer sun, you could be the friend your friends come to for advice. There could be a tendency to be a little too selfless. I think your aqua moon really serves as a shield to those who try to take advantage of your caring nature. Have you considered a career in psychic medium ship? Or any spiritual art/ past life regression / you get the drift..

Is there a family craft or hobby that you could monetize? Jupiter in LEO could signify ancestral gains.

Lilith and Pluto aspects to ascendant can make you come across really sexy / a bit unapproachable because people feel like you have some kind of power that places you above them?

Due to this, people with Pluto / Lilith aspects can feel some kind of hurt around people clearing up the path around them if that makes sense.

Jupiter opposite moon : there could be a clash between you want to do VS what you feel you should be doing.

Jupiter in the first house : you could have been born rich? Or people just perceive you that way. They also see you as someone wordly wise and lucky in general. You could know a lot about a wide variety of things. Specially on topics related to appearance, personal development, image consciousness etc. Since the ruler of the first is in the 12th I feel like some of your wisdom comes from a divine source. Like you're tapping into some kind of a collective reservoir of knowledge. In starseed terminology we would refer to this as downloads.

Jupiter rules the 8th house and 5th house.

So love, romance, games, early education may have been a bit of a breeze for you.

Jupiter is usually a bit of a celibate spiritual person. So, while it may make you really wise with respect to things like the occult / tarot / other 8th house themes, I'm not sure how it would impact your sex life with a spouse. Sex could be either a deeply spiritual experience for you or take on more neptunian traits. Addiction / alcoholism / drug use the works. Jupiter expands the themes of the house it rules so a word of caution there.

Travelling could bring you luck. Or even love.

Did I hear Mars opposite Neptune?

This could be a literal battlefield. You could feel like you need to work for love.if Neptune is unconditional love and Mars is your drive, then you could literally match to get to taht elusive unconditional sense of belonging /love / acceptance. But what are you marching towards really? A mirage? With this aspect I'd really be on the guard against addiction of any kind. Neptune is enticing, alluring, mocking Mars for its need to conquer. It could lend a really nice swagger to your walk. A runway model could benefit from thus placement. At uts best this aspect imbues you with creativity, inspiration, otherworldly imagination and the energy required to turn your abstract ideas of art into something tangible.

Here's a source for more on this placement. Sometimes I find that the comments really help me make sense of my own placements

Toodles

Before I sign off, I just have to say this :please try to restrict asks to 2-3 placements. You can send in multiple asks if you'd like, but answering them all in one ask can get a bit cluttered and I'd hate to miss out on something 😊

Hope this helped 💕as always, I'd really appreciate your feedback on this take on how these placements affect you.

#Cancer sun #12th house sun #3 idiots #Aquarius moon #Air moon #Astro asks #Jahnspeaks #Astrology #Moon in 7th house #Uranus 7th house #Jupiter in first house #Jupiter in leo #Queen of swords #Aquarius tarot #Leo rising #Mars sextile venus #Future spouse #Mars opposite Neptune #Mars #Neptune #Illusions #Creativity in astrology #Entertainment astrology #Practical astrology

[lild3m0nnn-bpd]

✨Signs and Symptoms of BPD✨

🛑Trigger warning: violence, abuse, self harm, eating disorder, suicide.🛑

✨Disclaimer: most psychiatrists require at least 5 of the 9 following symptoms. It's important to remember that these symptoms show up differently in everyone, and not everyone is going to show the same symptoms. There are also other symptoms that aren't listed in the "most common". If you're feeling like you relate to a lot of the following information, please seek professional help. The information below is from handouts I received from my psychiatrists. If you have other good resources, please feel free to add to this post.✨

Fear of Abandonment

Strong fear of being left behind, alone, or abandoned.

Real or imagined.

Extreme measure to avoid possible separation or rejection.

Beg, cling, start fights, jealously track your loved ones movements, or even physically block someone from leaving.

These behaviors often cause the fear to come true, and people leave. Some would call this a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Frantic efforts to keep the other person close.

I struggle with this. I have a huge fear of abandonment. Being left was something that was always threatened to me when I was in abusive relationships. It's become something that is extremely hard to control. I have definitely had moment where I had frantic efforts to keep someone from leaving. I've definitely gone to extremes, some of which will be talked about further in this post. Because I have such a strong fear of this, I try to make people want to leave because I expect it to happen at some point anyway. At this point I end up lashing out in very unhealthy ways.

Something I want to touch on separately, is the discussion I consistently see about people using suicide as a threat and how manipulative it is. I don't want anyone to think I'm condoning this behavior, but I want to be a safe place to say that I understand because I have done this myself. No, I'm not proud of it. It was during some of the worst moments of my life. The most extreme measure I'd go to, to make sure I wasn't abandoned. I don't want to normalize this or say that it isn't manipulative because it is. There is no way around that. But, it is a reality of BPD. Later in this post, I discuss feeling like I lose control of myself and my body. Well, my mouth is part of that. I feel like I can't always control the things that I say, and some of them are so horrible and I'm so hard on myself once I've come down from those irrationalities. If this is something you're struggling with, just do your best to work on it. Or seek professional help.

Unstable Relationships

Maintaining healthy relationships very challenging.

Individual tends to be quite needy, intense, and mistrusting.

Not only with romantic partners, but also friends and family.

Black and white way of thinking about people, A.K.A. "all good" or "all bad".

Frequently shifting attitudes towards others that range from idealization to devaluation.

Relationships are either perfect or horrible.

You may "fall in love quickly", believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed.

It's hard for me to look back on the past 15 years of my life, and be able to pick out one stable relationship I've had. I honestly don't think I can. Both of my longterm abusive relationships were very unstable. They were very off and on, and one-sided. I was always at the mercy of the other person, especially with my people pleasing tendencies. Once I start to see someone negatively, everything just spirals and the entire relationship becomes filled with hate on my end. It always bounced back and forth between loving them endlessly, and hating them endlessly. It took a huge toll on me mentally.

Unstable or Shifting Self Image

Identity disturbances.

Sometimes feel good about themselves, but other times feel hatred towards themselves.

Self image can change depending on whom the person is with, often copying the action and behavior of others.

Ability to be independent and autonomous is very impaired.

Constantly shifting ideas of who they are or what they want in life.

Can result in frequent changes to jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, and even sexual identity.

I have a huge problem with imposter syndrome. It feels like no matter what I do, I don't belong and I'm just pretending to be whatever it is at the time. This causes a lot of the feelings of emptiness that I have. I always feel like my personality isn't my own, that I'm mimicking or impersonating someone around me, or even someone from a TV show or movie. I see myself behaving differently around different people, like they see different personas of me that I've created for specific situations and groups of people. I feel like its very hard for me to find places I belong. I struggle with knowing who I really am.

Impulsive, Self Destructive Behaviors

Gambling, spending sprees, shoplifting, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.

May even put the individual in danger.

Reckless driving, practicing unsafe sex, abusing drugs or alcohol, or binge eating.

Engaging in these activities may help them feel better in the moment, but do more harm than good in the long run.

I struggle with drugs and alcohol. Something I personally know about myself is that I have a very addictive personality, but it's something I've hidden from everyone around me. I've disguised it as kind of being the "party girl". Or just having fun. It can be a very self destructive behavior for me. I also self isolate a LOT. I remove myself from situations that I simply don't want to be a part of. I cut people off very easily. I simply stop responding to messages, stop going on social media, just breaking off contact with the outside world. That way I feel like people won't have to worry about me and I won't be a burden.

Self Harm and Suicidal Ideations

75% of people with BPD self harm one or more times.

Cutting, burning, or an "overdose that can bring relief from intense emotional pain".

Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt.

Self harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent.

For a very long time, self harm was something I struggled with (I'm almost 5 months clean from it!) It was off and on for the past 12ish years. It just became a release for me, but it also felt like something I could actually be in control of. As weird as that sounds. I didn't feel like I was in control of my own life, so I could be in control of my physical pain. I do have a few suicide attempts (3 attempts, 4 hospitalizations), and those were some of my lowest moments in life. If you're ever feeling this way, please seek help!

Extreme Emotional Swings

Emotional volatility, with intense mood swings that range from happiness one moment to despair the next.

Can be triggered by things that others would simply brush off or not even notice.

The moods tend to pass fairly quickly, typically only lasting a few minutes or hours, unlike swings of depression or bipolar.

I was first diagnosed with bipolar because I didn't know how to express my emotions to my psychiatrist. I was very shy and outspoken, so my psych would list of symptoms and I would simply say yes or no, without being able to express myself. If you think this is something you struggle with, I would suggest taking some time to study your feelings and emotions, even journal about it, so you can better express yourself. Even if you diagnosis is not BPD, this will help you get to a diagnosis and further help, much faster.

Chronic Feelings of Emptiness

A hole or void inside them.

Individuals may feel as if they are "nothing" or "nobody".

Because this feels so uncomfortable, they may "try to fill the hole with things like drugs, food, or sex."

These things only offer temporary relief, but nothing makes it go away.

This goes back to the imposter syndrome. I feel like nobody. I'm not sure where I fit in. Sometimes it gets so bad that I resort to drugs and alcohol just to feel something other than the emptiness.

Explosive Anger

Often triggered, but describes as "exaggerated or disproportional to an event".

Frequently losing temper, being sarcastic, having physical fights.

Most noticeable when directed outwards, but people with BPD spend a lot of time being angry at themselves.

Throwing things, breaking property (personal or not), yelling, or becoming completely consumed by rage.

Anger is definitely something I struggle with. I find myself getting irrationally angry at things that make absolutely no sense. And within relationships, once I get angry, everything spirals. I'm the type that yells, breaks things, and lashes out. During previous abusive situations, I learned to fight simply as a way to defend myself, but now I find myself lashing out and being the one to hit first. It was something that was engrained into my brain. A fight response that now makes me the aggressor. I destroy things I know are important on purpose to get a reaction from the other person. The entire time its happening, I don't want it too. But, it feels like I literally lose control of my body. No matter how many times I tell myself in my head "don't hit them", "don't throw that", "don't break that". It doesn't matter. And because of this, once I come down from the explosive anger, I spend days and days being upset and angry with myself. Overthinking every tiny little thing that I should have done differently.

Feeling Suspicious or Out of Touch with Reality

Suspicious thoughts about others motives.

Struggle to trust others.

Episodes of paranoid thinking can range from mild and temporary to severe and chronic.

When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality, an experience known and dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you're outside your own body.

I have an extremely hard time making new friends because I'm always questioning peoples motives. I have a very hard time trusting anyone. I think this is partly the fault of some of the situations I've been through, which would be too much to describe in this post right now, but even before I always convinced myself that people were only associating with me for their own gain. Whatever that was. I also struggle tremendously with dissociation. Day to day, it something that I've just trained my brain to do. I was yelled at so much in my previous relationships that it just became a habit. It helped me escape from the reality that I didn't want to be a part of.

I'd like to note that at this point in my life, I'm in a very healthy relationship with someone who takes amazing care of me. I'm still unlearning a lot of toxic traits and behaviors, and I still get very upset with myself for how I treat my partner sometimes, but I'm working on things and I know I'm in a safe environment. I hope this post helps someone on their journey to healing and learning about themselves. Also, this is my first post like this and I want to do more, so please don't be to hard on me! If you have anything to add, or any constructive criticism, or want to start a discussion please don't be scared too! But be respectful about it!

#bpd tag #bpd blog #bpd thoughts #bpd life #bpd things #actually bpd #bpd feels #bpd meme #bpd mood #bpd problems #bpd splitting #bpd stuff #bpd subtype #bpd sucks #bpd vent #living with bpd #quiet bpd #bpd #borderline #actually borderline #actually mentally ill #mental health memes #mental disorder #mental health #mental health awareness #mental heath awareness #mental heath support #mental help #mental illness memes #mental wellbeing

[bobohu4eva]

Sweet Tooth (Part 3)

Characters: Baekhyun x Reader

Genre: Royalty AU, fluff, angst, eventual smut, mutual pining

Summary: Life as the palace baker got a lot more interesting after catching the devastatingly cute prince sneaking around your kitchen.

WC: 5.1k

Tag List: @wooya1224 @dixnysustae @bbhile @geniusloey @blahblahblah-boo @leave-me-in-the-summertime @baekyeonoreo @cupreoussyzygy @nana-banana

Masterlist

Baekhyun stayed true to his word. He kept you company almost every other day, usually just watching, talking, and snacking on whatever leftovers there would be.

It had taken several more visits for you to truly start opening up to him. Luckily his looks and his silliness balanced each other quite well, making him less and less intimidating the more you saw of him and the more he got comfortable with you as well.

You were surprised when he told you that he was actually a couple years older than you. It wasn’t that you found him immature, but he just had that optimistic boyishness to him that made him appear much more youthful.

Sometimes he would say things that worried you. Usually remarks about his family or his status as a prince. He never wanted to talk about it past those fleeting remarks though, quickly putting back on a smile and asking you about whatever you were baking that day. He seemed like the kind of person who would rarely let any negative emotions show, pushing them down and making jokes to try to make it seem like it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Sometimes you thought about pushing it, and trying to get him to talk to you about it. He was your friend, and you worried about him. But on the other hand, he was the prince. You had no right to try and force your way into his family’s business like that. He would come to you if he really needed you, you hoped at least.

You didn’t get nervous about his visits anymore. You had actually started to look forward to them quite a bit. He was a true friend. An annoyingly beautiful one.

In a way, you got used to that too. Of course you still couldn’t help being attracted to him, but you were able to fight it better now and act much more normal. You had really tried, and didn’t have a single mess up in front of Baekhyun since your tart accident. You just had to try a little extra hard when he was around, but that was okay. You took it as a challenge. After years of always doing the same thing having him there was still a nice way to spice things up.

You knew you had a crush, you were just learning to deal with it better.

Today was particularly busy. All morning you’d been preparing for some kind of event and Baekhyun just sat on his little stool across the table from you as you worked, occasionally asking if he could try something or why you did a certain thing. He knew that on busy days, it was better to stay out of your way. He always offered to help, insisting that you could just tell him what to do at any time, but that felt too weird.

“Are you sure you don’t want any help? I feel bad just sitting here.”

This was probably the busiest he’d ever seen you. It must’ve been a pretty big event you were preparing for and you had no time to waste, trying to get things done as quickly and carefully as possible.

“Don’t feel bad.”

First it was the sugar, then the flour. You ran out. You needed to go haul two giant bags up the stairs from the basement. You groaned.

“What is it?” He asked.

“I just have to grab new bags of flour and sugar.” You yelled over your shoulder as you made your way towards the stairs to the basement.

He followed you and you rolled your eyes, pretty certain you knew what was coming next, and it would not be good for your already weak heart.

As expected, he immediately scolded you for not asking him to just help out and ended up carrying both bags up the stairs for you.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want the help, it was really nice, but especially things like this that involved heavy lifting made you feel too much like some sort of damsel in distress and the fact that he felt such a need to always help out only made your crush worse and worse. It would’ve been easier to handle if he wasn’t always so nice and considerate.

“Why do you always do that?” He asked once you were back at your work table.

“Do what?”

“You never ask me for help even if you know it’s something I could do more easily than you. You always try to do it yourself until I notice it and go to help. You know sometimes I really worry that you just never get jars open by yourself if I’m not here.”

You grinned at his usual antics, “You know Baekhyun, I did this for years all on my own before you decided to pop in on me, I can handle myself.”

He shot you an accusing look. “So you’re saying that before I showed up, the jars would magically open themselves? No assistance needed? Or when you had to get one of those giant bags out of the basement? They would just float up the stairs? Come on, Creampuff, don't lie to me.”

It was surprising to you how much he seemed to like that nickname, and he especially liked to use it when he was teasing you.

Of course he was right, there were times when you couldn’t open a jar or there was an especially large bag of sugar that you couldn’t get up the stairs on your own. But he wasn’t the only one there to help. “Well I can also just go next door to the cooks and ask one of the guys there to do it for me too.”

His jaw seemed to tense before he spoke up again. “But you ask them for help, you never ask me though.”

You swallowed. That was also true, but it wasn’t for whatever reason he probably thought, asking him for help seemed like a boundary you didn’t want to cross, for a number of reasons. For one, he was the prince, and therefore you worked for him, not the other way around. It also made you feel too strange with how bad your crush had gotten, you didn’t want to seem like you were prying for his attention so you always tried as hard as you could to do things by yourself first. But he probably shouldn’t know about the second reason.

“Well I work for you, you don’t work for me. It’s not your job to come here and help me carry things and open jars.”

“Don’t remind me.” He mumbled. “It’s not their job either.”

He seemed oddly down after that but you didn’t have any time to dwell on it with how busy you were so you let him be. You decided to just focus on the task at hand, and let him eat some leftover icing so he wouldn’t talk so much. As much as you appreciated it on boring days, Baekhyun could be pretty damn chatty and on days like this one where there was a lot to do it could be a bit taxing having to talk to him too, no matter how much you enjoyed his company. If he was just another guy it would’ve been a different story but having to focus on talking to him and not saying anything dumb on top of all your work was a lot. Despite being much more comfortable with him now, he was still your friend that you were growing more and more attracted to, to the point where even just saying it was a crush seemed like an understatement.

You felt that disgustingly sweet, heart fluttering sensation that had been plaguing you for weeks now when you focused your attention back to him, watching as he scooped up icing with his finger before sticking it into his mouth.

Crush wasn’t a good enough word. You felt stupidly, helplessly infatuated, to the point where just watching him messily eat his icing had you working way too hard to fight the smile that was forcing its way to your lips.

Unfortunately Baekhyun caught on to these things quickly. Unlike you, he had nothing better to do in that kitchen than watch you as you worked, so he noticed every smile, every eye roll, and every time he would make you blush.

You assumed he knew, he just had to by now, with how bad you were at hiding how he made you feel. You’d accepted that, and that he didn’t see you the same way. You were just friends and he probably thought it was cute that you had a little crush on him, the silly little baker girl who liked the prince too much. But you knew it was best to keep it at that.

“Why are you smiling like that?” He asked as he once again licked a scoop of icing off his finger.

You shook your head, still smiling and looking down at what you were working on.

“I wish my mom would smile like that when I eat too instead of telling me I’m an embarrassment.”

He sounded far too lighthearted as he said it, as usual. It had been bothering you for weeks now. You knew you probably shouldn’t, but you asked anyway.

“Baekhyun, you don’t have to tell me anything, because it’s not my business anyway, but why do you say things like that? Sometimes I really worry about you.”

You had stopped kneading your dough, eyes remaining fixed on the soft mass beneath your hands, not trusting yourself to look up at him.

“You worry about me?”

Still looking down at your hands, you gave him a small nod.

“You don’t have to worry about me, I’m a big boy, I’ve been dealing with this my whole life.”

When you finally looked up and met his gaze he was giving you a soft smile, although you could see the hint of sadness in his cute droopy eyes.

“I just want you to know that you can talk to me if you need someone.” The words came out too quietly, but you meant it. It made you sad to hear him say such things and you wanted to be there for your friend.

All the sadness left his face when his cheeks pulled up into a grin, his eyes turning into the cutest half-moon shapes. “Aww, you really do worry about me.”

These were the type of things that made you so sure that he knew your little secret. His teasing you when you got flustered around him, and now this too. It almost felt a bit cruel at this point, that he knew how you felt and he still teased you about it like it was nothing. “You’re so mean.” You pouted, returning your attention back to your dough.

“How am I mean? I remember when we first met you thought I was the nicest.”

“You say stuff like that and then when I get worried you make fun of me for it.” You wanted to add something along the lines of ‘You also get a kick out of my stupid unrequited crush on you’ but you held your tongue. “Am I supposed to listen to you say those things and just not care?”

His brows furrowed at your question, and he paused for a minute.

“I didn’t realize you would care, at least not so much.”

Was he really this blind? This clueless?

“Of course I care Baekhyun, you said it yourself, we’re friends. Friends care when someone says things like that.”

“Oh..” His face had shifted into something you hadn’t seen before. “Then I’m sorry I worried you.”

You weren’t quite sure what it was, but he seemed genuinely taken aback by what you were telling him. It didn’t make any sense to you considering how obvious it was that you liked him, but you couldn’t exactly just say that either.

“You don’t need to feel bad. Like I said, I want to be able to help if you need someone to talk to. I’m here for you.”

You smiled when you saw him smile, his emotions rubbing off on you so easily with how much you cared for him.

“Thank you, y/n. I appreciate that a lot, really.”

As sweet as the moment was, you still had a lot of work to do. You gave him another smile and got back to what you were doing, and he stayed quiet as well. Eventually Baekhyun had somewhere else he needed to be and he excused himself and left, after sweetly thanking you again for your friendship and your kindness. There was so much about his actions that you didn’t understand, but you wanted to learn, to get to know him better and to really figure the guy out.

A couple hours after Baekhyun left you were finally done for the day, and as you were leaving the kitchen you found a small note where you always hung up your apron at the end of the day.

“Meet me in the garden at half past midnight, at the bench where you like to sit and read. That’s a royal order. - B”

~

You checked the clock again before slipping out of your room as quietly as possible, heart pounding in your chest in anticipation. Why Baekhyun had asked you to meet him so late was beyond you, and hundreds of possibilities, good and bad, flooded your mind with you powerless to stop it. The nervous giddyness you felt before he would show up at the bakery was nothing compared to this. What if you got caught? What would you say? What if he got caught? Or worst of all, if both of you were caught?

Despite your nerves, you had to go. Standing him up would feel too awful anyway, since you really did want to see him. And either way, you couldn’t disobey a royal order. You had never interacted with him outside your little bakery space, where people were popping in and out all the time and there was no real privacy for the two of you to talk about more serious matters.

You tried to walk through the halls as quietly as possible, unsure of if and where there were guards. Luckily it wasn’t too far from where you stayed to the gardens and you were already outside of the castle, feeling the warm spring air on your skin as you made your way towards your favorite spot to read.

Despite the darkness you could already make out the silhouette of your friend as he sat on the bench waiting for you. You smiled looking around at your surroundings. You had never been in the garden at night before, but the soft glow from the castle over the lush spring flowers in the dim light was breathtaking.

As you got closer you saw him stand up, and start walking towards you, meeting you halfway. He kept getting closer, and you expected him to stop but before you could fully process what he was doing, both of his arms were wrapped around you in a tight hug and he held you close.

For a second you stopped breathing completely, but after a couple seconds when reality sunk in you were able to catch your breath. Baekhyun was hugging you. And it wasn’t just some wimpy half assed side hug either, both of his arms were wrapped firmly around your back as he held you against his chest. Your whole body suddenly felt very hot.

“Baekhyun?” You said softly, bringing your arms up and around him as well.

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long.” You heard him whisper.

If your heart rate had been a bit high earlier already, you were surely in danger now. And with your chest pressed against his own, of course he noticed, he always did.

You pulled back but his hands stayed on your shoulders and he looked down at you with concern. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m just jumpy, I was really scared of getting caught on my way down here.” You lied, trying to avoid eye contact with the close proximity of your faces. He moved his thumb, gently running it over your collarbone and you felt his eyes on you when it made you gasp slightly.

“Aww poor Creampuff.” He cooed, making you pout back at him. “After midnight there’s only one guard left outside the castle, and he stays on the other side, near the main gates, not back here in the gardens. We’re totally safe, I promise.”

You tried to act like that helped reassure you but there were still a thousand other little things running through your mind about him. You decided you just had to start asking the man if you wanted answers.

“Baekhyun, why did you ask me to meet you here? Isn’t this a bit foolish?”

He grabbed your hand and led you to sit down on the bench next to him. “Maybe it is, but since we’re friends I think there are some things I want you to know.”

You had been so caught up in your own worries that you hadn’t even noticed how nervous he looked too. When you sat down with him you were surprised when his hand stayed firmly intertwined with yours. His hand was soft and warm and felt just right holding yours.

He looked down at the ground and the hand that held your own rested between you on the bench.

“Baekhyun?”

He was the one acting shy now. This beautiful person who was also so far above you in so many ways, seemed genuinely nervous.

“I’m sorry if this is strange for you, I’m not quite sure what to say, I’ve never had someone I can talk about these things with.”

He was still looking nervously down at his feet so you decided to scoot a bit closer and face your body towards his. When you were looking at him, and gently squeezed his hand which was still holding yours, he finally looked up at you.

“What things? You asked. “About your family?”

He nodded. “I don’t even know where to start. Do you know how much I envy you? You get to do something you like every day and you’re so good at it too. There’s nobody telling you you have to be something you’re not.”

His eyes had drifted to the garden around you as he spoke, and his grip on your hand only grew stronger.

“What do you mean?”

You had an idea, albeit a very vague one, of what was wrong, from the things he’d said to you in the bakery. Often it was about disappointing his mother, other times it was something implying how he’d never be able to live up to his older brother.

“I never asked to be born into royalty. I know that it seems horribly ungrateful for me to complain, because I have so much and so many people would love to be in my position, but I’m just not cut out to be a prince.”

You felt the weight of his words sinking in as he spoke to you, looking at you with a newfound seriousness you weren’t yet familiar with.

“I wish I could be what they want me to be, like my brother is, but whenever I try I usually end up making a fool of myself or do something that makes my mom mad. I don’t know how he does it, he’s so good at all this stuff it makes me feel even worse for being so shit at everything. I just wish I could do something with my life that actually makes me happy.”

His voice was growing more and more shaky and you had no clue what you could possibly say back to him when he was hurting so badly, over something you’d never be able to fully experience or understand. Eventually you mustered up a meager “I’m sorry.”

“I know it’s probably hard for you to understand, but that’s a good thing, really. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone.”

He looked so defeated and your heart ached for him, wishing you could somehow help, but knowing there was nothing you could do.

“Baekhyun, you aren't ungrateful and it’s okay to mess up, I can’t even imagine how much pressure you must be under, of course that’s hard.”

A small smile tugged at his lips briefly but disappeared as quickly as it arose. His eyes looked glassy. You wanted nothing more than to be able to comfort him, to protect him from everything that made him sad. He was so lovely and he deserved so much more than this.

“You’re the first person I’ve ever talked about this with, aside from my brother, but talking to him isn’t much help. I wish I could just be like the rest of them, and fit in with my family and the nobility without having to try so hard.”

His hand left yours and moved to wipe away the wetness in his eyes. When he didn’t lace his fingers back between your own, you took his hand and did it yourself, resting your hands on your thigh. “I don’t wish you were like the rest of them. I like you like this.”

It came out as barely a whisper, but with all his attention on you in that moment he heard you clear as day. He stared back at you, almost making you think that he didn’t believe you.

“Do you really mean that?”

You kept your eyes on him and nodded. “As much as you like to tease me, you’re so much nicer than I ever expected you to be. You’re also funny, and helpful, even though I never ask you to be. You’re really really sweet, Baekhyun, I like you a lot just the way you are now.”

With your last sentence you found yourself looking down in embarrassment, hoping he wouldn’t make fun of you for saying something so vulnerable.

“I like you a lot too.” You saw how his cheeks pulled up into a shy smile and although it was hard to tell in the dim moonlight, you could’ve sworn he was blushing as well. “You’re my best friend, you know.”

“I am?”

As much as you were flattered, and happy that he was so fond of you too, you always assumed he had other friends with how outgoing he seemed.

He nodded. “I told you, I don’t really get along with most of the people my family surrounds themselves with. Most of them don’t like me and think I’m strange and the few I got along with aren’t close with the family anymore, and I don’t blame them.”

“What about people like me?”

He just laughed, “There’s a reason we have to meet like this, I’m definitely not supposed to befriend palace maids, servants, cooks, anyone like that, anyone who doesn’t have some higher status really. I was worried that someone would rat me out for coming to see you so much but surprisingly nobody seems to care.”

“The kitchen staff all generally mind their own business, we know that what you and your family are up to isn’t our business. I doubt they care that you’re in my bakery so often. We aren’t a particularly nosy bunch.”

Baekhyun was smiling, and you were having trouble looking away. You were his best friend. He thought that highly of you. This beautiful, kind, lovely prince really cared about you this much, enough to tell you about his family and the things that upset him. And you were the only person outside of his family that he’d even mentioned it to.

“Baekhyun, you’re my best friend too.”

Baekhyun’s smile became even more blinding and next thing you knew he scooted himself to sit directly next to you, thighs pressed together, and he rested his head on your shoulder. You felt his breath on your neck, and tried to conceal how it made you shiver for a second.

“I’m glad I was craving creampuffs so badly that night.” He hummed and his low voice so close to your ear made your skin tingle.

“Me too.” You responded, squeezing his hand. “If you weren’t the prince, and you could do whatever you wanted, what would you want to be?” You asked him.

“I want to sing, and I want to be in love.” He replied softly.

You felt your heart flutter, you wanted him to be able to be happy, to do what he loves, and to love someone, someone he could actually be with. You couldn’t help the slight lump in your throat when you thought about how that could never be you.

“You can sing?” You asked, trying to ignore the other wish of his for your own sanity. “You’ve never sung for me before.”

“I haven’t in a while now, when I was younger sometimes I would get to sing at events, but eventually my mother deemed it an unnecessary distraction, and I had to stop.”

You frowned. “I’d love to hear you sing.”

With that he started faintly singing a familiar melody, a traditional wedding hymn, and of course his voice was just as pretty as the man himself. You were already so fond of his speaking voice, it wasn’t surprising to you that you loved his singing voice even more.

“You’d be a fantastic singer.”

He groaned, and leaned further into you. “It’s so unfair.” He whispered, and you could feel his lips slightly brush against your neck as he spoke. “Why don’t I get to be happy? Why do I have to live a life I don’t want, why can’t I love who I want?”

It was becoming more and more difficult to keep your composure with how he was pressed up against you, his lips almost touching your neck, breathing you in with every breath, his hand tightly intertwined with yours. Your infatuation was too much to bear, and with a shaky breath you leaned into him as well, resting your head atop of his. “It is unfair. So fucking unfair. I wish there was any way I could help, something I could do to make things better but I’m just a baker. I shouldn’t even be here right now.”

“You’ve done more than you realize. I have someone who will listen to me now, someone who’s nice to me and I can be myself around without feeling bad about it. On days when I can’t come see you, I just look forward to seeing you again the whole day.”

I just look forward to seeing you again the whole day.

The words rung in your mind, and you thought about the days when he wouldn’t be there. You missed him on those days too, and usually spent hours daydreaming about him as you did your work. His laugh, his smile, his silly jokes, his enthusiasm any time you made him something. It was just better when he was there. The bakery felt too quiet and lonely without him ever since he’d made it a regular thing.

“It feels so lonely now, working when you aren’t there. I always miss having you around on days when you’re too busy.”

You were glad he couldn’t see your face from where he was, and how hard you were blushing. Your heart felt like it was about to burst. The affection you had for him was overflowing, and with all of his sweet words whispered into the crook of your neck it was hard to not just start weeping. If you didn��t know better you would’ve thought that maybe, he actually liked you the same way you liked him.

But that was a foolish thing to even think about. He was a prince, and you were a nobody, a commoner. Even if he did feel the same way about you, you would never be able to be together anyway. He deserved happiness with someone he could actually start a life with, someone that his family would approve of, who he could marry and start a family with, and live happily together as royalty, like he was born to.

Did he not think that was possible?

“Baekhyun, why do you say that you can’t be in love?”

You wanted to protest at first when he sat up, but then he looked at you, and you saw the sadness in his eyes.

“I don’t get to meet people, fall in love, all that. Some day my parents will arrange a marriage for some sort of political advantage and I’ll just have to deal with it. The well-being of the people goes before any one individual's happiness, I suppose.”

This time you leaned into him, resting your head on his shoulder. “That still isn’t fair.” You mumbled.

“Have you ever been in love?”

Have you ever been in love? You had to think about it for a second, but looking back on the past flings you’d had here and there, it was never really love.

“No, I haven’t. Have you?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I’m not sure I know what love even is, in the romantic sense. I’ve been attracted to people, sure, but I was never able to act on it anyway. I bet it feels amazing, though. Loving someone and them loving you back. But of course people always want what they can’t have.”

He sighed, and you felt his thumb gently rubbing back and forth across the back of your hand.

“Even if it’s just for a little while, I hope you get to feel that someday.”

“Me too.” He whispered. “And I hope you get to live a long, happy life like that.”

You felt the lump in your throat again. Of course you wanted that, but your infatuation for him at that moment made it hard not to be sad at the notion that you’d never experience that with him. Of course you’d daydreamed about different worlds, where he loved you and the two of you could be together, but this wasn’t your reality.

You stayed quiet after that, focusing your eyes on the garden in front of you, the colorful flowers in the moonlight and the occasional flickering of a firefly. You and Baekhyun sat like that, simply enjoying each other’s presence, until you heard yawning coming from both of you, and decided it was time to call it a night before you could accidentally fall asleep.

Baekhyun thanked you oh so sweetly for coming and spending time with him, and gave you another hug before you parted ways.

As you drifted to sleep his words and actions rang in your mind, and you already felt yourself missing him and his touches.

Baekhyun, your best friend.

Next Chapter

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