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#like legit my mental health has been so bad that there's been quiet a few times where I thought about being admitted
codenamewitcher · 3 years
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also, the thought of being a part time student has been making appearances in my head lately.
like I would obviously graduate late (it’s already likely with even me being full time) but I’m gonna get my bachelor's degree, if it takes me longer, okay, but I’m not going into all this debt without getting this damn degree.
but a lot of where these thoughts are coming from is me putting my mental health first because this past semester I realized that I no longer can ignore my mental health like I have been my entire life because my quality of life is absolute shit and its fucking exhausting.
idk that’s just what I’ve been thinking about lately and I just needed to say it because the fact that my education is no longer my absolute number 1 priority is pretty fucking big for me because its been that way my whole life
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Brothers as New Parents
Featuring Poly!Mc.
Guess who decided to finally finish this oneeeeee. I used my parents for inspiration for some of these. Sadly my getting knocked out by a carpet story didn't qualify 😔
Lucifer
Despite the name and the whole demon thing, Lucifer is actually a pretty decent father.
In the beginning though, he's really lost.
Like, the only baby he's ever raised is Satan and technically that doesn't count, so he's kinda confused here. Which really freaks him out.
Things get easier once the kid can finally walk, but don't expect Lucifer to really understand babies too much, or to like them either. They're way too noisy and dirty for him to actually enjoy. 
But that doesn’t mean he isn’t a good dad.
Sure, he's not amazing, no parent naturally is, but he isn't reckless with your child and genuinely makes attempts to keep them alive. 
He just, kinda waits till the kid isn’t spitting up daily or wearing diapers to actually like their company
Before that it just feels like another job. Or like he’s watching his brothers. 
He loves his child but, uh, he’s going to be the type of dad to forget which baby is his if we’re being honest. 
Mammon
He's really good a keeping babies entertained. Like, really good.
(Who would have known babies also like shiny things that jingle?)
Also loves to spend money on them. Like, legit any baby left under his supervision will be dressed in absurdly priced outfits. It's a little frustrating to wash these clothes, especially considering how dirty kids can get.
But besides all the spoiling and the playing, Mammon is clueless.
Like what do babies do?? What do they need? Are they supposed to sleep for that long??
He regrets not reading the baby books Satan recommended.
He's extremely clumsy as a dad, but in like that way where only he gets hurt but your child never does.
(Despite being so young, you're pretty sure the kid laughs every time he face plants.)
Likes to watch TV with the baby. The kid's probably seen every action movie known to man (and demon) by this point.
Leviathan
Levi isn't good with pregnancy, but he is pretty decent with kids.
Something about his personality really draws them to him
(Which is a great examination as to why most children must have to be taught how to share. Leviathan is a bad influence)
He kinda only ever takes over the "fun" parts of being a dad. Not because he doesn't try though. He does, really, but he often finds himself at a loss when it comes to dealing with spit-up or diapers or the little quirks babies develop.
Levi's the third oldest. He didn't have to deal with that stuff. None of them really had to, as raising angels is kinda a community effort. Seeing as Lucifer wasn't exactly the maternal type, he'd spent his years with his brother watching over kids. Never being beside them.
I think he's especially freaked out if he has a daughter. Like, he doesn't know what to so for the most part with any child, but girls are even more foreign to him, seeing as he's only ever had brothers. Well, besides Lilith, but she's a different story.
It's not really bad, he's just new to everything, but you'll probably give Lucifer an earful for not at least giving more responsibilities with Satan.
Most definitely gives his kid toy weapons and costumes to play with. They can't even walk yet but he's got a chest with princess dresses and lightsabers ready to go.
Satan
Satan is pretty much the most normal dad you could ever ask for.
Yeah, a normal demon, spell-casting dad, but norm nevertheless.
He's always the one to offer to take over your shifts in the night (He will not sub for his brothers though. They can fuck right off).
Buys you your first mother's/father's/whatever you choose to call your parental title's day gift because everyone else most likely forgets amongst the stress of baby.
Most DEFINITELY tries to do that whole "all natural" baby thing, but probably realizes a few days in that breastmilk is not only hard to obtain in the Devildom, but most demons don't really give a samn about cruelty free items (Mass produced cotton included).
^Asmo and him did this together btw. But Asmodeus did it for clout whilst Satan did it for the baby's health.
He'll dress his kid up like him. The clothes are still ugly as sin.
Asmodeus
Your kid will be internet famous before they turn five months old.
Asmo does not understand the word "privacy" or the concept of "not plastering his child's life for everyone to see"
But, you must admit, he does dress your baby up in the most adorable ways.
She might just be the only person he puts above the two of you, both as individuals, and as a couple.
(^I don't think all the brother's would think this way. Some probably still internalize their angel backgrounds or have even formed their own opinions onto where a kid places in a relationship. I might get into it more if asked but I'm leaving this here for now)
He does everything with the kid, when he has them, and if the child is biologically his (which will be extremely apparent), that kid will be with him all the damn time.
He wants his baby to be beautiful like his parents, but most of all, he wants his baby to be happy.
Will most likely turn into the exact definition of "the cool mom" from mean girls but that's far off from now.
Until then, he'll just stroll around the mall, showing his baby all the sparkly things they'll eventually love.
Beelzebub
Beel would have been a pretty normal dad if not for his more older-brother mentality.
Like, the guy has never really been around kids. He's been around Belphegor. Which isn't a huge age gap but there's still that looming protective older-sibling trait there.
He kinda sees the kid, no matter who or where it comes from, as just another sibling.
After what happened with Lilith though, he's more prone to be more protective over girls. He doesn't even recognize he's doing it tbh.
(There's actually a lot of open wounds regarding Lilith that show up in his parenting skills, but they develop a lot later)
He always has to know where your kid is at, but he doesn't necessarily need to be with them.
Like, he's afraid of something horrible happening, but he trusts his brothers, and you, to be able to handle it. He just needs the constant reassurance.
Very insistent on keeping a feeding schedule through, and is known to freak out when they refuse to eat, or get an upset stomach, or something along the lines of the digestive process goes wrong.
Beel is probably the best at bath time. Man can make some awesome rubber duck voices, and the plotlines he thinks up are very interesting.
Belphegor
The one the most scared to have a baby is the one who loves to spend the most time with the baby.
Why? Because babies sleep most of the fucking day. This is a great bonding experience.
And for some reason, you suspect it's due to his powers, the kid will sleep through anything when the two of them are together.
The minute they sleep in their room, or in a cot next to your bed, they'll be waking up hourly for some reason or another.
And it's like, you can't have the baby sleep with Belphegor all the time because if the kid genuinely needs some attention, he needs to wake up and make it known.
But damn are you tired.
Like you some how think raising a child with seven partners is harder than one, because no one should feel this exhausted when they are allowed to take at least three naps a day.
Outside that conundrum, he's a very quiet dad. He'll just sit by the baby and play with them, usually via rattle, enjoying the cute little noises they make and the faces that grace their features.
He'll miss this when the baby starts crawling.
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shhhlikeme · 4 years
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hello!! i really loved your hq writing and i think they were pretty spot on! do u mind writing abt a reader who’s basically a first year version of kiyoko (like everyone is attracted to her) and all the first years are just into her but come to find out she’s been dating yamaguchi all this time ? jealous yams maybe? sorry if it’s too specific🥺👉🏼👈🏼
Yamaguchi Tadashi x Really Sexy Yoga Instructor S/O
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A/N: Thank you so much anon! You’re speaking my language with this request😍
It sounds a lot like the first ever request I got here, so this can be seen as a part two, or read as a stand alone. I hope you like it!!!
Not NSFW, but please only read if you’re over 18 y/o.
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Yams, your beloved boyfriend of a few months will be the first to admit that he made a mistake volunteering you to help his volleyball team
About a month ago, Coach Ukai felt as though the team was way too pent up and ordered his players to indulge in some calming activities on one of the no-practice days with the goal of making the team less irritable
The coach found that Yoga would be a great solution
Coach Ukai had read that the benefits of Yoga include but are not limited to: increased flexibility, increased muscle strength and tone, improved respiration, more energy and vitality, maintenance of a balanced metabolism, improved athletic performance, protection from injury, overall relaxation and stress relief.
Ukai thought that yoga was a no-brainer because if Karasuno was going to win the National tournament, then they had to adopt unconventional means in order to get an edge on the competition
Unfortunately, Takeda, the volleyball club’s advisor, couldn’t exactly find the budget to get the entire team signed up for weekly yoga sessions at the big studio downtown
Aw man :(
But fear not! smh
Your boyfriend to the team’s rescue! Great 😑
Thank goodness for your sweet baby 👍🏾 not
He’s just too caring for his own good isn’t he? You wish he’d stop
Because he..... well, lucky for Karasuno, your boyfriend Yamaguchi happily suggested that the team goes to the Karasuno High School’s Yoga Club sessions at the local community centre. The community centre hosts great swim, cooking, and even archery lessons! It would be perfect because it would be within budget and the 7am yoga sessions were always empty, because not many people knew about them.
“How do you know they’re legit? I don’t want my players getting hurt because some kids think it’s fun to twist n’ contort their bodies —“ Inquired coach Ukai. The entire team turned to Tadashi, awaiting his response.
Your annoying sweet man explained that all of the Yoga club members are certified by Japanese Health Standards and they are well-versed in their instructing, it was kind of the point of the club. He was sure the club would love the volleyball team’s company
Your boyfriends’ coach’s face lit up. When Ukai’s next question pertained to how tf Tadashi knew all of this, that’s finally when his face fell
Oops.
He’s so cute He wanted to help so badly he forgot that this could be a bad idea
How did he know all this? Well, maybe because his girlfriend of 3 months, you, run the damn club. And he knows everything about you because he’s whipped.
However, Tadashi couldn’t exactly tell them that was the reason because he is very private and didn’t want to introduce his beautiful girlfriend to guys that were sure to drool over her
Plus he wanted to make sure you weren’t in a daze when he confessed to you, testing whether one day you’ll wake up & realize you made a big mistake
Yamaguchi, quick on his feet, just said that you were his friend and you ran the club.
They believed it obviously, and that’s how it all started
Since there were multiple morning Yoga sessions, Coach Ukai divided the team into years for mandatory session attendance. The first years were scheduled for Monday’s at 7am, the second years on Wednesday’s (same time) and the 3rd years were on Fridays (same time).
You were late to your first session with the boys because even though Yams told you the team would start coming (and to keep your relationship a secret) you were used to being the only one here doing Yoga
You were only slightly startled when you opened the door to your beloved studio and saw Karasuno volleyball’s first years: Tsukishima, Kageyama, Hinata and your beautiful man Yams sitting down on Yoga mats patiently.
You cheerily introduced yourself and greet everyone, finding yourself happy to have the company
Yamaguchi was the only one to verbally greet you back, because the other boys were staring at you with what you would deem odd expressions
Yams noticed his solo greeting too and looked over to his teammates. He frowned because he knew the look on their faces and the lack of a voice very well.
How could he not? It was the same reaction he had when he saw you for the first time he was sure you came out of his wet dreams
You are so hot, and now his fellow first years were noticing
Yams pouted inside
Anyway, the same way you didn’t notice when Yamaguchi had that stare when you two met, you just got straight to business, setting down your pink yoga mat and water bottle and explaining all the rules.
It’s a good thing yoga sessions are supposed to be silent with only the sounds of the rain forest playing loud through the rooms speakers because I don’t think the boys could have spoken anyway
You did basic yoga stretches and had the boys follow your every movement
As you showed them the simple beginner poses, Tadashi caught Hinata and Kageyama sneaking glances at your figure with heavy blushes on their faces
If Tsukki thought you were attractive, which omfg did he ever, he didn’t show it in the slightest
Yamaguchi was happy to call him his best friend
The quick-attack boys could not say the same
Like the schoolboys they are, they relished in seeing a gorgeous female’s flexible body easily contort in front of them
Tadashi noted that, for two of the most intensely competitive people he knew, the two were peculiarly a little TOO happy with not doing any of the yoga poses correctly, he could guess why
You, still clueless, walked around the room to help the boys get into correct positioning platonically, the way every Yoga instructor does.
Tadashi on the other hand, was doing so well and you badly wished you could kiss him whenever you moved his body but you were respecting his wishes to keep you two a secret
Kags and Shōyō almost had internal panic attacks when you touched them or got close
They weren’t the greatest with girls but they were especially bad when one of the prettiest and fittest girls they’ve ever encountered was touching them and whispering in their ears to ‘turn like this’ ‘open up a bit more’ because of how quiet yoga should be
The combustion train has left the building! Choo choo 💨
You laughed when volleyball duo boys started shoving each other when Hinata fell out of a pose and landed on Kags
Tadashi’s eyes narrowed because he selfishly didn’t want you laughing at anything those boys did. Nevertheless, he shook it off
Maybe it will get better once the initial shock of your hotness wears off, Yams thought to himself when he left Yoga that morning.
Sure, because that’s how it worked with Kiyoko right?
Yeah, right. The following Monday you were still hot and the boys were still drooling over you.
At real volleyball practices and at lunch time Yamaguchi has to constantly hear the team (minus Tsukishima) gush about how attractive you are and how it wasn’t so bad waking up early in the morning if you were the view they were getting up to see
Now, Tadashi would definitely describe himself as a pretty calm guy......as would anyone who knows him......
But hearing his friends gush about you like you weren’t the smartest, most creative, genuine, conscientious person...... just an ideal body and gorgeous face not that they would know evoked jealous emotions deep within him
On dates with you he would inquire about the other volleyball yoga sessions you taught and you would tell him truthfully that your class of 3rd years were always fine, well behaved and very quiet because they were too busy fantasizing about you in their heads to talk dkm
and then you told your boyfriend that 2 of the second years were pretty flirty take a wild guess who? But that the one boy named Ennoshita got them to simmer down and then stop with the comments completely
Tadashi made a mental note to do a favour for his future captain
He was beginning to get irritated with the way these strong amazing athletes that he looked up to were reduced to goo when his girlfriend came around
He knew it was irrational to be so upset because he was sure they would chill out if they knew she was his girlfriend but
He just wasn’t ready for that yet.
So he endured the comments because even though the team was full of hormonone-crazy males, they never were vulgar or disrespectful in their remarks that was saved for all of their dreams and shower time
Either way,
None of that could stop the locker room talk.
“Did Y/N teach you guys the puppy dog stretch too this week?” Chirped Nishinoya as he bounced on the balls of his feet. The boys nodded. “Man is she s-m-o-k-i-n-g or what?? Don’t you think so, Asahi?”
Yams looked over from his locker to see the quiet and timid Ace of the team unable to help sporting a blush and nodding in agreement to Nishinoya.
Tadashi did NOT like this conversation. He took to chugging his water in order to distract himself from saying something he was sure to regret
“I-I really like Y/N’s yoga pants. They’re really cool!”
Kageyama rolled his eyes at Hinata's comment. “Of course you do, Boke.”
“Keep dreaming short stack!” Hollered Tanaka as he hopped in a super man pose on top of a bench. “For I will one day marry Y/N!”
Uncontrollably, Yamaguchi’s entire liquid contents in his mouth drenched Sugawara’s back in a spit take. Everyone laughed.
Let’s just say Karasuno’s vice captain made Yams do laps until his legs felt like they would fall off
By the third week, poor Yamaguchi had it up to HERE with the team’s pining after his girl.... be it Daichi’s subtle suggestion to the coach to extend AND increase the amount of yoga sessions, to Nishinoya’s memorization of the exact colour of your lip gloss per session
Yams actually growled under his breath when he heard both I swear to God
Yamaguchi felt like he was going to burst if he didn’t wring any necks first .
The entire team was smitten with his secret girlfriend and it made him insanely jealous. He couldn’t deny it anymore.
You were his. And only his. He wished he never volunteered you to help the team in the first place!
On your dates as a couple, you noticed that Yams was much more tense than he used to be before you started instructing the team. You told him over and over that you would quit this very second because he was so much more important than some silly club. You even suggested easily swapping with your second-in-command as instructor but
He wouldn’t have any of that. Apparently the team was already improving significantly in skill from Yoga like the Coach predicted. You are the best instructor your club had, and his team needed the best.
Plus he knows you love doing it and he puts your happiness before his own
The situation just sucked!
On the final yoga session before nationals, you arranged for the entire team to conjoin in one single morning session that would be longer at two hours instead of one, to go through everything they have learned in a mass session. It was also to make sure the numbers were even because today would be strictly focused on Partner Yoga!
The crows filed in to your studio, excited to see you and set up as usual
You walked in and told them about the partner yoga, and before they could volunteer to be your partner and upset your boyfriend, you told everyone you already had a partner and gestured toward the studio entryway:
Kiyoko walked in with a wave at her introduction and she spread her yoga mat next to you facing the class
They said 😳😳😳😳🤯🤯🤯🤯
The entire room was silent. Everyone minus Tsukki and your boyfriend combusted. Like they were done
Remember that combustion train? Yeah it just arrived at its destination: Nosebleed Central.
The boys’ little minds couldn’t fathom two extremely hot girls in compromising, stretchy positions that would look anything but innocent in their male minds
It was kind of a dream come true
You didn’t care that they were acting weird and you started the session, telling the boys to pair up and follow yours and Kiyoko’s lead
Even Yams started to feel hot and bothered at the sight of the multiple positions
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he always felt horny watching you instruct yoga but he was able to satiate his lust by reminding himself that you told him you want to sleep with him when he was ready, even though you were taking it slow. he’s always blushing so none of the guys ever thought anything if it
Satiating himself with that thought again, though, flew out the window as an option because you just looked too incredibly hot in partner positions. It got to the point where he wanted to kick Kiyoko out so you could practice these yoga positions with him
He wanted to be the one to put your leg on his shoulder as he pounded into your heat, not Kiyoko no matter how hottttttttt it was to look at
Suga used his fingers to flick Tadashi on the forehead to get his attention away from his secret girlfriend and back to the yoga positions he should be trying with him
“Dude.... trust me, I know, and I agree...” Suga nods in understanding as he glances over at the beautiful girls once more. It takes a good amount of effort for him to peel his eyes back to Yamaguchi. “But we have to do this. Try to pretend they’re not as hot as they are.” He gives your bf a thumbs up for encouragement
Yams didn’t smile back even though he commenced yoga again like his vice captain requested. Yams just wanted all of this to be over so he could somehow sneak you into one of the abandoned rooms in this community centre and take you right there.
Since Kiyoko was only there to demonstrate the positions and not join the class because she had other commitments, she had to leave pretty early
You went around helping everyone like you usually did, and now you definitely noticed how red all the boys’ cheeks were. Yams couldn’t even look at you the entire time he did yoga with Suga and you started to wonder if you did something wrong. Hm.....
Yams couldn’t look at you because he was using every ounce of his restraint to keep from jumping your bones
Before long, Y/N’s final yoga session was nearing completion until you realized that you had forgotten to demonstrate the final pose when Kiyoko was here.
Glancing at your boyfriend who was giving you the cold shoulder, you timidly asked if anyone minded being your partner to demonstrate—
Like zoo animals, all of the boys volunteered!!! You yelped because of how loud they got in the quiet room in a split second.
Does it matter who you choose?
Yamaguchi felt himself boil over in jealousy. These boys were throwing themselves at the woman who means everything to him, and that was enough to drive any man to the brink of insanity.
While the boys bickered about who would be your partner Hinata and Nishi already started the Rock Paper Scissors tournament, including the usually collected captains, Tadashi briskly made his way towards you with purpose. Without even thinking about it he cupped your face with one of his hands and tilted your lips towards his for a deep kiss.
You felt your knees weaken at the intensity of the unexpected kiss from the love of your life.
Yams wrapped an arm around your waist to hold you steady when he felt your knees weaken.
You two barely heard the collective gasp in the room...
...Nor did you hear Tsukki mutter a flat “I knew it.”
When you finally pulled away from your boyfriends perfect lips, you were still drunk off the kiss while he remembered where you two were
With an aura of manly confidence that could only come from the overwhelming satisfaction of giving into the animalistic urge to claim your mate in front of other males, Yamaguchi turned to his team. Shoulders back and confident, he smiled smugly
“Did I forget to tell you all that Y/N is my girlfriend? I’d appreciate if all the endless comments about how beautiful she is would cease to exist, at least around me. She’s very much taken. Oh, and I, ONLY I....will be her partner. Thanks.”
Ok can you imagine how fucking sexy shy Yams would look being strict, intimidating and completely territorial over you? 🤤
Karasuno’s team was stunned into silence before Nishinoya started a slow clap applause like they do in the movies.
Only Tanaka joined in with him. The rest of the team is not that lame
You, on the other hand, got so turned on by your boyfriend display of protection and jealousy that you muttered that class was over and you used your hand to turn Yams attention back to you. You got on the tips of your toes to pull him into another passionate kiss again.
You loved it.
Seeing this side of him stirred up a lot of emotions in you and you couldn’t help but ask your boyfriend if he wanted to skip school today. Your parents weren’t going to be home for 2 days and you had the house to yourself.
With half lidded eyes that only served to turn you on more Yamaguchi agreed.
I hope he knows that he was in for a really long and pleasurable day and night.....you were about to put those years of yoga training to good use, and your boyfriend couldn’t be luckier.
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A collection of Athelstan headcanons (based only on seasons 1 and 2 because I'm slow) by me
I realize a lot of these are angst or h/c related, what are you going to do, hunt me down?
He's very very afraid of thunderstorms. I've seen this a few other places as well and I feel like it's a relatively accepted headcanon? But yeah, that's a thing. Thunder or even just heavy rain turns him into a jumpy, trembling mess
So that storm at the beginning of the show he was sure meant the rapture was coming? Yeah he was definitely a lot more freaked out than he was letting on
He's ambidextrous. I noticed when fighting he always seems to carry 2 axes with him, one on each side, which could just mean he was taught to fight with both hands, but I like to believe he can use them both equally well to begin with. Also people were really weird about left handedness back in ye olden days so I imagine when he was growing up at the monastery as an acolyte he would have been scolded if he ever used his left hand to write by mistake
Ravenclaw and INTP, that's not even a headcanon it's just true
Has kinda poor eyesight? This is semi legit since staring at tiny print for hours on end will mess up your eyes after a while, from what I know it wasn't uncommon for monks to lose their eyesight after years of doing crazy detailed manuscript work
I've already said this but he gets picked up a LOT. Listen compared to the absolute giants that are pretty much the entire rest of the male characters, he's a shrimp. I can absolutely see a group of very drunk Northmen deciding to play pass the priest and he is very much not impressed
(However, it's also a benefit because if he gets injured on a raid Ragnar can easily just scoop him up and carry him away to safety
((You've imagined that before. Don't try to tell me you haven't imagined that before.))
Contrary to what other characters probably think, he has a pretty good immune system. Probably gets sick very rarely, to the point where people are a little creeped out
However, I can see the few times he does get sick it being very bad, and no one knows what to do because he never gets sick and the very idea is just so foreign
Though he probably has some kind of healing knowledge since monasteries were used for that so if anyone else is sick or injured he'd end up looking after them
(Also related I have this scenario in mind where Ragnar, Lagertha, and both kids all are sick at once and he's the only healthy one in the house so he gets stuck looking after them all and the poor guy runs himself into the ground trying to take care of them)
Still gets nightmares about the monastery being pillaged, even years later. These usually lead to him having pretty shitty days mental health wise, because it drags up a whole bunch of conflicted feelings for him and leaves him genuinely wondering if the people around him are friends or enemies
He's definitely a big introvert and usually totally fine spending time just on his own, but he does get lonely. There are a lot of times where he feels like he doesn't belong anywhere and has no one to really turn to because he's such an outcast, even in his homeland
Animals tend to like him. Probably because he's quiet and doesn't make sudden moves and is generally just...incredibly nonthreatening
Scars in his hands and feet flare up now and again, he hates mentioning it though so usually he just suffers
(These times also usually lead to not-so-great mental health days)
Definitely gets occasional flashbacks to the crucifixion, which are Not Nice. It'll come out of nowhere and suddenly he feels horribly cold and exposed and like he's being watched, and can't move or speak and it's hard to breathe
Ragnar, and Lagertha if she's visiting, have learned to recognize when they happen - Athelstan doesn't realize it but he tends to go white and sort of freezes up, they might not understand exactly what's happening to him but they know it's time to gently lead him away from whatever's going on and let him sit quietly for a few minutes
On a less angsty note, he gets along really well with Helga...which is sometimes an issue because where Helga is Floki usually also is, and I don't think I need to explain any further (@adhdnightmare you put this in my head)
Can sing? I think this is technically canon but yeah, and most of his buddies don't know that but at some point find out he's actually got a really good voice and are like "wait hold on you've been hiding this"
Good cook
His face gets VERY red when he goes out in the cold. I can see his ears turning really red too? On that note he probably gets sunburned easily
Hates the cold. Is Not A Fan of the northern climate and when it's winter he basically spends it completely bundled up in like 16 layers if he can help it
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wri0thesley · 3 years
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Asfjfkdkf okay so, advice anon here again (sorry, I just got out of a meeting!) and like, I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I can’t do more than write one thing once a year. I feel like I don’t deserve to call myself a writer because I haven’t written a real fic since last May, honestly. And it’s not lack of ideas that are keeping me in this hellhole, it’s just that the instant I go to put them into proper words, I lose steam immediately and it doesn’t translate from thought to word document. And I know my mental health is fried because of the last year and some personal and work stressors that I’m sure have me burnt out, but it’s still like…I’ll think I’ll have motivation to write when I get home and done with the day and then it’s like pulling teeth to even so much as make a note so I remember my own idea to write later (which ends up being never). It doesn’t help seeing some of my closest friends having all kinds of free time on their hands and going out and joining rp servers and getting to hone their style and evolve and be great, and I’m happy for them, but I keep beating myself up about it because I feel like I can’t do it too. I’m a writer who can’t fucking write and I hate feeling like this.
And it feels like a double slap in the face with how much the writing community is popping off and flourishing too because it feels like unless I’m constantly engaging and putting out a headcanon post to remind people I’m not dead, no one cares. My blog is on the small side already and no one gives me any kind of feedback either and like, I don’t care if I have a few hundred or a few thousand followers, honestly. I’m so grateful to any person who’s read my work and thought that hey, maybe they’d like to stick around. It floors me that there are actual people who would do that over my work and I treasure each of them. But it also just feels like a lot of people don’t care to actually interact at all unless you have a substantial following.
Idk it all kind of builds up and like, I’m already feeling burnt out and then the combination of knowing I’m falling behind and that I’m not even someone who can call herself a has-been because I’m a never-was, it all just feels like a rock I’m trapped under. It’s really snowballed at this point and the more I think about it, the more frustrated I get, which only makes it worse. Legit I can’t think of a better metaphor for it than not being able to get or keep my writerly dick up enough to make any kind of content asbfkzg
Sorry, I know that was kind of a lot and I hope it isn’t overwhelming to read all that. You’re someone I really look up to as a creator and your input means a lot to me though, so if you have any words of wisdom, it would be immensely appreciated. But again, if this is like, too much, plz feel free to just ignore this, I don’t want to be a bother. Thank you for taking time to read this, I hope you have a wonderful day.
my response is long so its under the cut! <3
ah, anon! i have definitely experienced being burnt out and being unable to put anything down on paper - i'm very lucky that my main job is caring for my fiancee so i have a lot of spare time to do things with, so i can't say i know how you feel there - but that dread of having ideas that just don't translate? i know that very well. it's actually one of the reasons i like tumblr so much; it's so easy to just throw a paragraph or two together of headcanons in response and feel accomplished, if that makes sense? lots of my own personal favourite writers aren't people who are posting things every day, but i one hundred percent understand the fear of 'if i'm not posting, people won't care' (i must have written well over 300 fics at this point and i still feel like it).
i don't know what fandoms you're in; jojo seems to be quiet, but the other fandoms i've found myself in really very much are popping off. honestly, i think half the time popularity is just writing for the right character and it being seen by the right person who'll reblog it and everything will snowball. lack of interaction in notes doesn't mean lack of talent. i consider myself very lucky to have any kind of 'following' and it blows my mind people stick around, but i know a lot of that is because i post a lot, i write a lot, i don't shut up. i think a lot of anons/people are scared to interact with someone they haven't seen interacting with anons before. (as a side note, if you feel comfy sharing your url with me i would love to follow u ;_;. i think a big part of the writing community on tumblr is having the 'network' of people and i LOVE reblogging and reading and supporting other writers, and i know i'm in a fairly fortunate place that whilst i dont have a fuck-off huge following, i have a reasonable one who are very interactive and lovely!).
sorry i'm getting distracted! i'm not going to be like OH ANON YOU SHOULD WRITE FOR LOVE OF WRITING because that's ridiculous; we're all posting because we are small children presenting fics to an audience and saying 'please tell me if you liked it!'. i think most artists of any medium want validation and feedback and just to know they're being heard. it can be frustrating to work so hard on something and feel like you're getting nowhere; it's extra frustrating to know you have something in you that just isn't coming out.
a lot of advice i feel like i could give you might not even be that useful if you're too exhausted to do anything. i'm lucky that i'm one of those people who starts typing and doesn't stop. when i get bad writer's block, i just force myself through it. sometimes i use drabble prompts or alphabet prompts to force myself through it, or random generators (i know some writers who do drabbles that are exactly 100 words which seems like a fun idea but i'm so needlessly verbose it would never work for me). if you can find ten minutes of your day even to write a couple of words (maybe a morning might be better for you if you're tired in the evening?), it's amazing how quickly they build up.
anyway, i appreciate you feeling like you could come to me!!! i'm sorry if any advice i give sounds condescending or is just plain useless, i'm not actually that good at it but i very much understand where you're coming from and i hope things get better <3.
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twdbegins · 3 years
Text
A Little R&R
__
Simon x Fem. Reader
Warnings: Some sexual references.
Word Count: 2,110
“Mmhm, well, you’re gonna see a noticeable change if you keep that up.”
__
Nobody has ever said that being a doctor is easy work. As a matter of fact, being in any job in medical field is probably one of the most demanding jobs there can possibly be. However, you had gone through a lot of school to become a doctor and while it was hard work, it was rewarding work. Nothing filled you with more joy than helping others. It was something that made you super passionate. It reminded you that, despite the fall, there’s still good in the world. 
With that being said, there were still times when the workload did sometimes get to be a bit much. At least before, when you were in a legit hospital, you had nurses and other doctors to provide their hands-on help. Now, it was pretty much just you. If you were lucky, Simon or another savior might be able to offer some minimal help, but in an overall sense, you were on your own. Another challenge refers to the more sanitary side of things. Since you weren’t in a hospital, the infirmary wasn’t as sterilized as you wanted it to be. You cleaned the infirmary from ceiling to floor every single day and as often as you could. You always deep cleaned your tools and sterilized them, but at the end of the day there was no way for everything to be completely clean. 
The worst part of it, though, was the fact that you had every single solitary patient. Obviously, if you’re the only doctor, then everyone is going to come to you. Some days you would have one person come in and some days you would have 40 people come in. It just varied from day to day. Your absolute least favorite day was check-up day. After you had been at the Sanctuary for about a year (and Negan realized you were there to stay) he found it necessary for every savior to have an annual checkup. Everyone. On the same day. 
The first year you had to do it was absolute hell. Everyone showed up at random times during the day and there was no order whatsoever. However, the next year, you put a system in order. Every savior would have to come at a specific time, starting with the highest in command to the lowest (this was per Negan’s request). So, Negan always went first, Simon next, and so on and so forth. You usually averaged about one savior every fifteen minutes. Which doesn’t sound that bad, but considering there’s an average of about 150 to 200 saviors, it makes out to be a long day of work. 
It was checkup day, November 11th to be exact. You had made sure to hydrate plenty the day before and get a good night of sleep, because you were not taking any breaks to try and get this over with quicker. Sure enough, you heard Negan’s familiar voice in the doorway at 6:00 A.M. sharp;
“Well, good morning, doc!” He chirped. 
You gave a smile;
“Negan.” You said acknowledging his presence.
Negan always went first because he was indeed highest in command. He also liked to just get it over with so he could still get a useful day of work. He knew the drill. He stripped off his signature leather jacket, setting it on the chair in the corner with his beloved Lucille. He had this rather unsettling smirk on his face. As much as you respected him as a leader, he could be quite disrespectful to you. Not in a “I don’t respect your feelings kind of way”, but he was known as a ladies man (his multiples wives as evidence to that). It didn’t at all offend or bother him to have a woman put her hands on him, in a professional way or not. He sat on the table as you began his checkup exam. He stayed silent for a little while, but you knew it wouldn’t last. As you were listening to his lungs and overall breathing, he spoke;
“You know, if you really want to see how I can handle myself, you can close that door and I’ll just show you.” He prided. 
You hushed him, waving a hand in front of his face. You couldn’t properly hear what you were listening for if he was talking. You stayed quiet as you finished listening to his lungs before you answered. You hung the stethoscope around your neck as you tested his reflexes.
“Now, that’s not a very professional thing to say to your doctor is it?” You said grabbing the reflex hammer off of the counter. 
He shrugged;
“I mean, doctor-patient confidentially, right? Or does that not apply anymore?” He asked. 
“No, it does...depending on who you are,” You said truthfully. 
You tested Negan’s reflexes on his knees, noting that his response was a little slow;
“Reflexes are delayed,” You said taking the back of his hand and checking for dehydration. Nada. “Did you drink last night?”
He nodded as you wrote it down on his chart. He was healthy as a horse. 
“Well, other than the reflexes, you’re good to go,” You said truthfully. 
Negan smiled;
“Sweet,” He said getting off of the table and retrieving his jacket and weapon of choice. 
“Will you send Simon in, please?” You asked.
Negan zipped his jacket;
“As long as you two promise to behave in here.” Negan said approaching the doorway and motioning for Simon who was right outside. 
Simon walked in, Negan giving him a slight glare as he left. Simon raised a brow and looked at you;
“What was that about?” He asked. 
You rolled your eyes;
“Turned him down. Again.” You said referring to his advances. 
That wasn’t at all an uncommon occurrence. Negan was always trying to pick you up and had even thrown a marriage proposal your way before. All to which you denied and continue to deny every time. It was kind of a running joke between you and Simon now;
“Shocker,” He said pulling you to him, “Mornin’, baby.” 
You gave him a quick kiss;
“Hi.” You replied. 
He sat on the exam table, eager to get this over with. He hated going to the doctor, although he was willing to make an exception. You checked his eyes and ears first, both in perfect condition. You checked his lungs and breathing next, as you had done with Negan.
“Take off your shirt, please.” You asked. 
He smirked as he lifted it over his head;
“Yes ma’am.” He set his shirt aside and winced at the cold metal of the stethoscope against his back. 
His hands were on yours hips, rubbing in circles as you listened to his breathing and heart beat. His heart rate was a little elevated, but that was most likely from the fact that he was raking you over. You were asking just some general questions (all of which you knew the answer to) along the way. You had your hands at his neck, feeling for any swollen or tender lymph nodes;
“Have you had skin irritation or any noticeable changes to your body lately?” You asked as you felt his neck gently, his skin sensitive to the feel of your touch.
He groaned;
“Mmhm, well, you’re gonna see a noticeable change if you keep that up.” He said. 
You pulled your hands away and tried not to laugh;
“Sorry. I’m almost done.” You said reaching for a tongue depressor.
“What time do you think you’ll be done?” He asked curiously.
You shrugged and gave a questionable look; 
“Late for sure. Open wide,” You instructed, “Maybe midnight?” 
You checked his throat for any signs of inflamed tonsils or strep throat as he attempted to speak a response that was just muffled;
“Huh?” You asked taking the depressor away. 
“I said to come to my room when you do get off. I’ll be up.” He repeated.
You nodded, jotting the final notes on his chart;
“You don’t have to wait up for me.” You kindly said.
“Sure, I do. I want to.” He retorted.
You smiled, and sighed contently when you finished his examination;
“Well, my love, you are in perfectly good health.”
He laughed at your monotonous tone and slipped his shirt back on, before standing back up;
“Do you have any breaks today?” He asked.
“Nope. Straight shot from start to finish.” You replied.
He nodded with a slight grimace. He hated seeing you work yourself too hard. But you wouldn’t do it any other way. He kissed you again before leaving;
“I’ll see you tonight. Don’t work too hard.”
__
The day went by horribly slow. Person after person came through. You repeated the same tests over and over until you felt like you’d freaking pass out. Finally, low and behold, you examined the very last savior at around 12:15 AM. Basically 18 hours of straight work with no breaks. Honestly, it should’ve been longer than that, but some exams didn’t take as long as others. You were exhausted and drained. You cleaned the infirmary as usual, used the shower, and finally were lights out at 12:45. You locked up and straggled to Simon’s room, which felt like miles away. You walked into his room and, sure enough, he was awake and waiting for you. 
You looked tired, to say the least. He offered a comforting smile;
“Hey. All done?” He asked. 
“All done.” You affirmed. 
Your legs and feet had never hurt so bad in your entire life. You quite literally collapsed onto the bed, letting out a sigh of relief that you felt in your soul. He sat on the end of the bed as you just took a moment to mellow out. Your feet were a horrible shade of dark pink, borderline red from the heavy blood flow from being on your feet all day.
“126. 126 saviors came through. That’s a personal record.” You said with a laugh.
Simon shook his head in disbelief;
“I don’t know how you do it. Anybody that you think will kick the bucket this year?” He asked slightly joking but also not. 
You scoffed;
“From a physical health standpoint, no. Mentally though, that new guy Derek might be in for it if he doesn’t change his attitude,” You stated honestly. 
“Oh, yeah. The tall redheaded guy, right? I think Richie got into a tussle with him a few weeks ago.” Simon said recalling the big fight that went down. 
You hummed in affirmation as you watched him trace circles on your leg lazily with his index finger. You groaned and rubbed your face;
“My feet hurt so bad. I feel like I’ve been standing and walking all day.” You growled. 
Simon got up from the bed and laughed;
“That’s because you have,” He grabbed a bottle off of the dresser and sat back down. You suddenly felt a cold presence and rubbing sensation on your leg. You looked down and let out a groan of relief upon realizing Simon was rubbing your legs and feet;
“You are an absolute angel, you know that?”
He smirked;
“I do my best.” 
His hands worked wonders on your aching lower limbs and appendages. You raised a brow;
“Where did you get lotion from?” You asked examining the dark red, label-less bottle. 
His hand gently gripped and slid down from your knee to your ankle;
“I have my ways,” He grinned; “I thought you outta know that by now.”
“You’re still full of surprises. I never know what tricks you have up your sleeve.” You laughed heartily. 
He still grinned;
“Yeah, well, I gotta keep it interesting,” He joked, “No, but I found this last week. I’ve just been meaning to give it to you.” 
The lotion’s scent was so good and so calming. You definitely could’ve fallen asleep right where you were.
“At least I know I’ll sleep good tonight.” You stated. 
“Speaking of, I think it’s time to call it a night.” He said rubbing the last bit of lotion in and returning the bottle to the dresser.
You groaned and rolled over to your side of the bed with him quickly sliding into his side. You rested yourself against his side, immediately feeling like you were about to fall asleep. Before you drifted off, however, he softly said a few last words for the night;
“You really do keep this place running,” He said kissing your head, “I love you. And I’m really proud of you and everything that you do.”
You looked up at him sleepily, kissing him softly before falling asleep in the arms of the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
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teenitinygod · 4 years
Text
Hello, Hello, this is the person who did the last submit. Thank you for the offer but I don’t have a discord account, Idon'thaveanyfriendswhouseittowarrantmakingone.
Although, if you liked my previous submit, I thought you might be interested in hearing me out when it comes to mischaracterization since I didn’t go into detail in my previous submit since that’s a whole rant of its own. I’ll be taking inspiration from neutinya’s haikyuu mischaracterization post but give it a BSD twist. My intention isn’t to call specific people out, I’m simply going off what I’ve seen within the fandom. Which in turn leads to diluting or mischaracterizing a character until they’re nearly unrecognizable or portraying them in a bad light that they don’t deserve. There may be a few tw instances, so you’re free to edit this post as you see fit and add any necessary warnings.
So to begin with. Let’s get the big one out of the way real quick.
- Dazai -
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve seen Dazai being portrayed as nothing more than a twofaced lying bastard, I wouldn’t have to work anymore. Most of these support it by saying that he doesn’t actually trust the ADA since he didn’t tell them about his past and doesn’t inform them of every little thing. Basically, they portray him as being 100% an act who doesn’t care about anyone. And then berate him by saying that they refuse to take his mental health seriously until he’s shown to have a breakdown.
I believe anyone who has suffered from depression or any other kind of mental health issue has felt the need to act happy all the time when in public and then quiet down when they’re alone. That doesn’t make them a fake. They are under no obligation to tell every single thing going across their mind to their friend and that same logic applies to Dazai.
Moreover, we also have to take into consideration Dazai’s past. He simply can’t afford to make himself vulnerable. There’s literally a list of people out for his head. Additionally, of he were to tell everything to the ADA, he would be potentially dragging his new friends into his own mess and put them in unwarranted danger. Sure, the ADA already deals with a lot of dangerous stuff but I doubt he would purposely put them in harms way because of what he would consider his own selfishness.
Now in the terms of romance. A lot of people just mark him as the one who could never be faithful. I believe a romantic relationship with Dazai would be completely trust based. Ergo, a “love at first sight” scenario would definitely lead to it becoming nothing more than a one-time fling. To go off your last Dazai scenario, I actually do believe that if Dazai felt like he was getting too attached to someone, he might try to push them away out of utter self-loathing that he could never give them what they want. Essentially, fearing a scenario like that in No Longer Human where Yozo got together with Yoshiko and she ended up getting raped because of his involvement with her.
Atsushi isn’t just a crybaby. He’s brave simply because of the fact that he’s willing to do his best despite his fear. Moreover, his initial fear of being seen as a burden to the ADA is completely valid when you take into consideration his past treatment. A lot treat him as dull and boring character and go on about preferring his Beast counterpart. It’s fine to have a preference but I don’t think this is a reason to hate on him since the point of Beast was to elaborate on how alike Atsushi and Akutagawa are by putting them in the other’s shoes. And we see in even Beast, Atsushi is just the ultimate good boy cinnamonroll.
In romance, I keep seeing him being forced to portray the badboy roll and being just terrible to whoever is his partner within the story. Do people really think that he would so much as even consider berating his partner after all he’s been through?
- Kunikida -
He isn’t just some emotionless asshole. He cares. He’s just doesn’t show it in the most conventional way some are used to. Perhaps this is because the anime caused confusion by changing the time setting of the Azure Disciple event— But within the novel you can tell that he cares for and eventually starts to think highly of Dazai as the story progresses. He doesn’t express it since Dazai would tease him to the ends of the earth. But there were moments like in the embassy in which he mentally admired how talented he was. Or how elaborated that his way of knowing when something was wrong with Dazai was when he starts acting “normal”. As the novel put it, basically, weird is normal for Dazai while normal is weird. So when Dazai starts acting “normal” that’s his way of knowing that something is up.
In terms of romance… I swear I want to fight someone. The majority of Kunikida content I find usually involves him be pedophilic by having this thing for schoolgirls or just has whoever is his partner constant cry at him that he doesn’t love them since he doesn’t show his affection the conventional way. Then, the story goes on about how the partner keeps trying to change them. For starters. There is nothing wrong with having the thought of an ideal partner. Most of have twisted the idea of him having an ideal partner as him having this list of physical traits he wants them to have or some crap like that. Do people really think he’s that shallow? Having an ideal partner just means that you know what you want in a partner. Like how they treat you, if they’re neat and polite, etc. Moreover, we’ve seen time and time again that despite what he says, Kunikida is still willing to bend a little. Obviously he will hold his ground if you berate his ideals. But it’s possible to change his mind if you respect his ideals and offer alternatives and are willing to work with him.
- Chuuya -
Look. I don’t care what you ship. But Chuuya is way more than just that one guy who is constantly yelling about Dazai. He has every right to be portrayed as his own character without the need to involve Dazai around the line.
He may be angry when Dazai is involved but he’s the nicest grump you’ll ever see towards everyone else. In the spin-off novel, there’s a scene where he talks to Tsujimura, for example. He still kept this badass aura but spoke to her with the dignity and presence of a respectable mafia executive. Moreover, I noticed this why checking. Kyouko really did make sure he drank his respect-women dose every day since I noticed he never actually curses at female characters. With the Tsujimura scene, for example, he kept his usual rude speech but didn’t start to actually curse until Ango was brought up. With the battle against Yosano, he never pulled the “oh, you’re just a woman” crap when they appeared.
In the terms of romance. I swear I feel the need to break someone’s nico-nico-kneecaps for the outrageous amount of fics I find with Chuuya straight up raping his partner. Like, the man didn’t even want to fight against his sheep friends when they literally and figuratively stabbed in him in the back. It’s hard for me to imagine him as someone who wouldn’t treat his partner with the utmost respect in the world.
- Higuchi -
People seriously need to stop hating on her just ‘cause she’s “getting in the way of ships.” The gal clearly cares about Akutagawa and I don’t think it’s fair to hate on her just because of that. On that note, the whole idea of hating on female characters under the pretext of them getting in the way of ships seriously needs to stop. The fact that a female character cares for a guy, be it romantically or not, isn’t an excuse to antagonize them and treat them as an eyesore. She’s funny, she’s goofy, She’s just an ordinary lady who might be momentarily blinded by affection and get carried away. Which surely must happen to anyone who has experienced some kind of crush.
In the terms of romance. I haven’t read much fics with Higuchi as the main love interest. However, I have seen the AkutawagaxSomeoneElse types who just blatantly portray Higuchi as this terrible and wicked woman who is trying to ruin Akutagawa’s partner’s life. Sure, Higuchi may be heartbroken that she couldn’t be the chosen one but I doubt she would stoop as low as to ruin Akutagawa’s potential happiness. The most she would do is perhaps investigate if they’re a spy who intends to harm or use him.
- Yosano -
She’s a strong independent woman, enough said. I feel like a lot of people interpret her dislike for weak men as her either disliking physically weak men or disliking men altogether. Naturally, a strong woman would want and deserve someone who is equally as badass as them. So what I interpret her saying when she says she dislikes weak men is that she dislikes mentally weak men who bend over backwards easily and men who are so petty that they feel the need to look down on women just because of the fact that they’re a woman. The anime did her dirty by sexualizing her during her first introduction. We all know that one scene where she strips off her shirt before treating Tanizaki. Heck, I remember when I first saw that scene without knowing much about BSD I legit thought her healing ability involved her having sex with the guys. It was only until I read the manga some time later that I realized that wasn’t the case.
In the terms of romance. Again, she has every right to have someone as strong as herself. A badass would want someone who is just as badass standing as their partner. Moreover, I haven’t seen it to the degree as Higuchi’s case but I have seen the occasional hate on her under the pretext that she’s getting in the way of ships. To which I say again: We seriously need to stop antagonizing female characters who so much as exist in the same panel as a male character that’s involved in a popular fandom ship.
——–
Well then. Those were the most prominent ones that came to mind, so I surely left out some characters who have been mischaracterized just as badly.
Thank you for your time.
Ok quickly, our discord (dazai simps) is open to having you. We love new friends and meeting people, so an open invite is available.  i couldn’t agree with you more- i hate how Dazai is portrayed sometimes, his emotions are complex and he’s not as simple as an angsty suicidal flirt. Especially went the reader comes into the picture and it turns into a “love at first sight” thing. They may be fictional characters but i care that the characters i write for are as close to accurate as i can
I’ll go deeper into this later but i agree
Also I love when you send me these, i love reading them and you’re so sweet <3
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in-tua-deep · 5 years
Note
i need you to know that every once in a while i go back and read your whole responsible luther au from start to finish and like.... i would legit read 100k of that and still want more, i LOVE that entire concept to PIECES and just kdjdjfhfl thank you for elaborating on that plot so much
adsfdDFSGHF i’m v flattered i will admit I myself didn’t expect to become as fond as I have with that particular au lmao i think it’s a combo of the way luther in that au is generally unflappable and “same shit as always” and the family actually getting together and being an actual family
Not even the big family stuff either just the dumb little interactions
(posts for this au here: one, two, three, four, five, six)
Like Luther comes home from work, exhausted, walks in and the first thing he sees as he walks in is Diego standing at the open fridge drinking straight from the milk carton.
“Diego.” Luther states, halfway incredulous because come on, “Do I live in a frat house? There’s glasses in the cabinet to your right and I know you know that.”
“What do you know about frat houses?” Diego sneers, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, “Not like any of us went to college, ‘les they give out degrees in sucking up.”
Luther presses his hands together and touches them to his mouth for a second of patience. “Diego,” He starts over, “What are you doing here?”
“Babysitting.” Diego shrugs, placing the milk back in the fridge and closing the door. Luther makes a mental note to buy more if only so that he doesn’t have to share in Diego’s gross mouth germs.
He can’t contain it. “For fu - is this what you do at home Diego? Do you even own glasses?”
Diego shrugs again, not even disguising the grin across his face. He likes pushing Luther’s buttons, like the absolute dick he is. “Just saving you on some washing up, Luth.” Diego informs him cheerfully, moving to pass him and clapping him on the shoulder in faux friendliness. 
Luther is about to make an very inadvisable movement (that movement being grabbing Diego and tossing him across the room and maybe pouring out the rest of the milk on top of his smug little - ) when Five pops into the room in a flash of blue.
“Luther!” Luther’s favorite brother greets him enthusiastically as Klaus stumbles out of his bedroom, brandishing a bottle of nail polish like a weapon. Judging from Five’s half-done fingers, it’s clear what they were up to. Luther has a feeling he’s going to end up with nail polish on his coat in a hot second.
It’s more of a surprise when Vanya walks out of the room as well, sporting electric blue painted nails and looking mildly uncomfortable. Of course, mildly uncomfortable is pretty much Vanya’s default state so Luther doesn’t think anything of it.
“Hello Five, hello Klaus.” Luther greets his roommates, smile plastered on his face, “Hello people who do not live here.”
“You need to get more eggs.” Diego tells him, not even looking abashed at Luther’s implied reprimand. Which, considering Diego procured a key weeks ago (which Luther did not give him) might be a little fair. It’s not like Diego isn’t invited maybe 25% of the time.
“Klaus called.” Vanya admits, “He said Diego was being boring and I needed to come over before someone was murdered. Probably Klaus, if we’re being honest.”
“Hey!” Klaus protests automatically, before tilting his head to acknowledge the point.
“Luther!” Five tugs at Luther’s coat insistently as he’s been doing pretty much since they walked out of the bedroom.
Well, time to pay attention to the little monster. Luther reaches down and swings his littlest brother up into his arms, earning a shriek even though it’s a familiar move at this point. 
“Ooh! Me too, me too!” Klaus crowds closer, making grabby hands. Luther sighs deeply but obliges, swinging Klaus up and over his shoulder easily and earning another delighted shriek. Luther wonders what it would be like without his super strength. Wonders how the rest of the world manages.
He ignores Diego’s look as he makes his way over to the couch, swaying both his brothers from side to side as they try and grab at one another. It’s a little bit like trying to balance a very tall stack of books with a wine glass on top - difficult but not exactly impossible. They certainly don’t try make it easier on him.
Having had enough, Luther calmly dumps both of them onto the couch. 
Vanya strolls over and plucks the bottle of nail polish out of Klaus’s hands, circling the couch and nudging him over so she can sit by Five where she wordlessly unscrews the cap and reaches out a hand for Five to put his into. Apparently it’s nail painting time again.
“What did you want, Five?” Luther asks, amused as he collapses into the big thrift store armchair with a quiet oof. 
“What’s for dinner?” Five asks, rolling his eyes.
Diego groans, “Ugh, that’s all he’s been asking for like, an hour.”
“I’m a growing boy!” Five protests, jerking his hands and earning himself a scolding shush from Vanya as the nail polish smears. She uses the corner of one of her own nails to clean it up a little. 
“Growing sideways,” Diego teases, reaching a hand out to ruffle Five’s hair. Unfortunately, it seems Five anticipated the move and Diego narrowly avoids the snap of Five’s teeth and the resulting shit eating grin.
“Luther!” Diego sounds scandalized, gesturing at their grinning brother as Klaus laughs quietly to himself.
“Children, behave.” Luther deadpans. 
“That’s what they say when we’re together!” Klaus immediately sings at the top of his lungs, making Vanya wince away and give him a look. Klaus shrugs unapologetically and she rolls her eyes, turning her attention back to her task.
“We should liberate Luther’s records from the house.” Five says, looking thoughtful.
“No one’s going to the house.” Luther vetoes, again. It’s like Five is just looking for excuses these days to suggest exploring the house for things.
“Maybe when Dad’s dead.” Diego says, finally coming around the sofa to sit in the last remaining armchair. Luther winces and doesn’t respond. As much as he doesn’t see eye to eye with Reginald these days - there’s still a part of him that loves the old man, even if therapy is making him see more and more that the feeling wasn’t exactly returned.
“God,” Klaus sighs, throwing his head back dramatically, “If you had my powers you wouldn’t be wishing for the old man’s death, ugh.”
The family shares a collective wince as they remember that for Klaus, harassment from their father wasn’t exactly something that stopped with his death.
“Aw, don’t look so glum! Ben here has promised to be my guard chihuahua.” Klaus informs them all cheerfully after noticing the long faces. He turns his face to the side, where it’s probably Ben exists. “What? Chihuahuas have a great and noble history! You should be flattered! What? Wait, Ben, no - ”
The rest of the family decides to move on as Klaus devolves into a whispered half-conversation with their dearly departed sibling. It drives them all crazy that they can’t hear one half of the conversation.
“You never said what’s for dinner.” Five points out, just a little petulantly. Vanya gives him a gentle nudge as reprimand for moving too much, but she’s finishing up with the last nail anyway so it’s not terribly important. 
Luther really doesn’t feel like cooking. Mainly because he’s really bad at it. He looks over at Vanya, who is the only person who has been keeping them all from eating like freshman college students and getting scurvy, but she’s studiously examining her job on Five’s nails. Clearly she doesn’t exactly feel like cooking, either.
“Chinese?” Luther offers, hopeful. 
Five pulls a face, but Klaus brightens up, head snapping around from his little argument. Luther’s hope dies in his chest. Feeding their whole family is an adventure in juggling - how their Mom fed them all for so many years without snapping in half from bending over backwards to please everyone.
Then again, it’s not like any of them had the choice to refuse their food in their father’s house no matter personal preference. It was wolf it down regardless of taste or starve and potentially faint during training.
But there is one thing they can all agree on. t’s just a last resort because Luther is so very tired of having it every other night but hey, when needs must, right?
“Pizza?” Luther offers and everyone sort of nods and hums their agreement at that. Luther knows all of their orders by heart at this point. Even Diego “my body is a temple” Hargreeves doesn’t say no to pizza, usually. 
“You know, we could make it slightly healthier and make our own?” Vanya points out, but it’s only halfhearted. “I heard you can make the crust with cauliflower or something.”
“You think we have cauliflower in this house?” Five asks with an arched eyebrow, and Vanya concedes the point. Luther feels almost offended at the implications about the state of health food in his place, but it’s also a fair point so. No like he can rebuff it. 
“Pizza it is.” Luther states firmly before this can devolve into an actual debate on the state of their dinner. 
He gets up to go grab his phone and can hear the sound of a fight breaking out behind him, Klaus’s voice being the loudest. Luther had so hoped Vanya sitting there would have prevented the inevitable but she was in on the shenanigans far more often than Luther would have expected.
(Sometimes he wondered what their childhoods would have looked like if Vanya had been more included. He had suspicions that she would have never been on his side in an argument, anyway.)
Luther shakes his head as he punches in the number for the pizza place. For a few minutes that mess in the living room is not his problem.
Of course, a few minutes of peace never lasts for very long. Not in this family.
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tenderbri · 4 years
Note
Idk if I’m late for this discussion but I super appreciate your tag that was like “reminder that you’re talking about a person” because people legit forget that. I’ve definitely been guilty of that, including when everyone was first posting their lil jokes but it took me like two seconds of thinking to be like “hm maybe don’t do that”. Anyway it’s 2 am and this got away from me but I just wanted to say that you’re smart and cool and one of the only people I trust in this fandom
Ok, thank you for your ask, I tried typing up a much longer and more detailed response to this, but it was just kind of repeating what’s already been said.
So I’m just going to say this (still pretty long, sorry) and I PROMISE this’ll be the end of it, ok? Ok:
I am an incredibly sensitive person and I’m dead-certain that annoys the hell out of quite a few people on here. I realise I’m taking all this shit much more personally than I should. But at the same time, I feel like I and a lot of people here did voice valid criticism.
A couple of my mutuals and people I follow did actually reblog those memes and to those people I just want to say, I really don’t want there to be bad vibes. I feel like a few of them have remained quiet about Brian’s announcement yesterday and I don’t know why that is (maybe their way of coping). I want those people to know that I didn’t make and reblog those posts because I had some kind of personal vendetta against them. I just felt like people weren’t taking Brian’s pain (which he was incredibly vocal about from the VERY beginning) seriously and that really bothered and hurt me. It was frankly ruining my fandom experience, because it felt like it was yet another case of making Brian more meme than person because “lol look at bumbling, not self-aware, easy target Brian, he can take it”. This fandom has a long track record of using Brian as the their emotional punching bag anyway and it felt Bad that the reactions to his injury were way less compassionate than I had expected. Like, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody talk about Freddie like this, for instance. So maybe that’s why I felt extra affected and defensive. My dash turned into a place I really didn’t want to be.
Again, I KNOW that most people probably didn’t!!!!! Mean any harm!!!! And I’m not saying they didn’t have actual concerns about his health, because I’m sure that they did. I just think they needed to shift their way of talking about Brian to a more compassionate and gentle place. I’m all for having fun and making silly memes (I’ve made many of those in the past), just not weirdly over-the-line jokes. Like, there’s so OBVIOUSLY a difference between “Oh god, the mental image of Brian over-enthusiastically going to town on his rhododendrons with a pair of gardening sheers 😂” and “LOOOOOL DUDE SHREDDED HIS ASS LMAO HERE’S A SPONGEBOB MEME HAAHAHAHAAA PAIN IS FUNNY”. One is a legit non-malicious way of dealing with a bad situation through humour. The other....is not.
I want to end the discussion here. Mistakes were made, I don’t want to hold a grudge, I’m not trying to be mean to anybody and I just want us all to come together and be grateful that Brian’s still here, because there was a big chance we could’ve actually lost him.
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authorpocketcow · 5 years
Text
Pooh Characters as Queer Environmentalists
No seriously.  I had a very vivid dream involving all the Winnie The Pooh characters as a group of enthusiastic (and queer) environmentalists who meet once a week to talk about environment things because they’re nerds.
Starring Christopher Robin, Pooh, Tigger, Rabbit, Kanga, Roo, Gopher, Eeyore, and Piglet.
·       Christopher Robin
o   33 years old
o   Head/leader/founder of the Environmentalist Group
o   Really interested in saving the whales
o   Chill dude, but kind of an airhead
o   Everyone thinks he’s some kinda office worker
o   One day someone accidentally found out that he’s the CEO of some green-planet organization and runs this group for fun to see what kinds of ideas he can get and to see what people think of environmentalist efforts
o   He always credits people for their ideas, but people assumed that he just worked for the company, not that he ran the damned thing
o   A pansexual icon
o   Has been to every single pride event that their city has ever had
o   Rumour has it he started the pride events
o   Wilder rumour has it he threw the first stone at the Stonewall Riots
o   Even wilder rumour has it that he’s an immortal vampire who survives on the blood of homophobes
o   He won’t deny any of these rumours but has yet to confirm it
o   Has a genderqueer partner that literally nobody has met
o   Seriously, not even Pooh
·       Pooh
o   29 years old
o   Really wants to save the bees
o   Like, REALLY wants to save the bees
o   Vegetarian, but because he doesn’t like meat
o   Massive sweet tooth; dentists hate him!
o   Ace/Aro
o   Loves children, wants to adopt his own someday
o   Babysits Roo all the time
o   Kanga and him are best friends
o   He brings little sweets for Roo every meeting
o   Perhaps a little bit of a pothead but he’s not addicted
o   He just smokes a joint once in a while to chill out
o   A stereotypical “make love not war” hippie
o   Nice to everyone all the time
o   Cries when someone is mean to him
o   Gets uncomfortable when people hit on him
o   Christopher’s little brother
o   A visual artist; uses lots of colours and sells his art at galleries and markets
·       Tigger
o   27 years old
o   ADHD
o   Like SUPER ADHD
o   Gay
o   Hit on Pooh once but when Pooh got uncomfy he backed off
o   Thought maybe Pooh was uncomfortable with gays and was confused and sad
o   When he found out Pooh was Ace/Aro he totally understood
o   They’re good friends now
o   Really wants to save rainforests and trees
o   A freelance writer; his books are elementary school Magic Treehouse shit
o   Very much into fantasy shit, his non-children’s series’ lore is always the deepest mindfuck ever, how the hell did he even come up with that
o   Bestselling author tho
o   Kinda famous tbh but he doesn’t like media attention
o   He just thinks everybody should have fun all the time
o   Does he vape? Probably.  Has anyone ever actually seen him do it?  No.
o   Does he sleep? Probably.  Has anyone ever actually seen him do it?  Once.
o   Kanga caught him powernapping when she came into one of the first meetings really early, but all she did was put a blanket on him and leave to go to the convenience store or something to stay out for a bit longer so he could rest
o   He didn’t know who it was until a bit later he figures it was her since she’s always knitting and it was a very pretty knitted thing
o   That’s his momma figure now
·       Rabbit
o   25 years old
o   Vegan and very in-your-face about it
o   “Bugs are important to the ecosystem but boy do I hate them in my garden”
o   Scifi enthusiast
o   Post-apocalyptic things slightly terrify him because he believes that’s how the world is gonna go
o   A bit of a conspiracy theorist
o   Genuinely believes the government is vaguely spying on everybody
o   Did Bush do 9/11?  Who knows… but the moon landing was real, and the earth is round, don’t be dumb
o   Just identifies as queer, doesn’t like labels
o   A very organized person but when he’s very upset perfectionism scares him bc he thinks he’s not ever gonna be good enough and will mess things up on purpose
o   Has a long-distance boyfriend
o   A farmer
·       Kanga
o   38 years old
o   Divorced trans woman
o   Has a 5 year old son that she fostered as a baby and adopted when he was 4
o   Recycles aggressively
o   Calls everyone “dear”
o   Uses reusable bags and plastic containers all the time
o   Knits a lot, everybody always gets scarves or mitts or hats for Christmas
o   Usually in the design of ‘planet earth’, but also makes pride flag designs and takes requests for fave colour schemes
o   Vegetarian but not aggressive ab it like Rabbit is
o   You know what she is a bit aggressive about? Recycling
o   If you throw something that’s recyclable in the garbage in front of her...
o   Lord help you
o   Last man who did that was never seen again
o   Okay that’s a lie, he was seen two weeks later
o   But he was advocating for a save the whales organization on the side of the road and wearing all thrift store clothing
o   She traumatized him into throwing himself into the environmentalist pit headfirst
o   Thinks Gopher is just a big softie; is the only one who is super nice to him all the time (besides her son, and Pooh who is nice to literally everyone)
o   Kinda has a thing for the grumpy man but won’t admit it
o   She’s like an accountant or something, nobody knows what she does for a living but she seems to be well-off
·       Roo
o   The adopted 5 year old son
o   A little bit spoiled, but not just by Kanga, by everyone in the group
o   Loves sitting in on the meetings
o   His first sentence at 15 months was “recycle that!”
o   Loves blue because of recycle bins
o   Literally wears nothing but blue
o   Will accept things that are less than 100% blue as long as its more than 50% blue
o   Also likes things with pink on them
o   Thinks Tigger is the coolest person ever
o   Doesn’t understand all of Tigger’s books but reads them anyway
o   Except the non-children’s ones of course
o   Reads everything he can get his hands on
o   Don’t let him get his hands on anything inappropriate for a 5 year old
o   Asks a lot of questions
o   Everyone adores him
o   His mama is his favourite person on the planet but also Mr Tigger is so cool
o   He likes Mr Gopher too, he thinks Mr Gopher is great because of “how happy Mama is when he’s around”
·       Eeyore
o   23 years old
o   Has depression
o   Trans boy
o   Just really wants friends
o   Wants to help the planet
o   Is a massive pessimist that thinks the world is doomed
o   Very smart boy
o   Talks about CO2 emissions and carbon taxes
o   A university student studying some kinda chemical engineering
o   Very quiet
o   Bit of a crush on piglet tbh
o   Has a big love for superheroes without powers because he loves the idea of things being solvable through hard work mixed with passion and technology
o   Except he doesn’t believe it because his depression makes him super pessimistic
o   Also a big tech nerd
·       Gopher
o   45 years old
o   Landlord of their meeting place
o   Grumpy ass old man
o   Sometimes people are grumpy right back to him and he’s ok with that
o   Actually a soft spot for these weird hippies and joins them sometimes but says its because he wants to make sure they’re not damaging the place (they know that’s a big fat lie but won’t say anything)
o   Will fight anyone who mocks them
o   Has actually fought someone who mocked them
o   Has not told them about said fight
o   Especially adores Roo
o   Thinks Kanga is a bit of an odd woman but also thinks she’s very pretty
o   Repressed bisexual
o   He thinks nobody knows he’s bi but eventually when he kinda mentions it he realizes everyone knows
o   Specifically, Piglet and Kanga are super supportive
o   He definitely actually has a crush on Kanga, who knitted him a bisexual flag scarf once
o   He wears it all the time but will vehemently deny that it’s the same scarf when called on it
o   Big brawny weirdo
o   Was a football player in college and can definitely bench-press everyone
o   Works construction now, which is why he’s still in good shape
o   Actually a brilliant man, can architect and calculate like nobody’s business
o   Will help Piglet with his mathematics homework in exchange for Piglet teaching him more things about the LGBT+ community
o   After a while he realizes that perhaps genderfluid fits him well but Piglet is sworn to secrecy
o   Has a daughter who is institutionalized for her mental health issues that grew beyond his care
o   Piglet reminds him of his daughter and he’s very protective
o   That’s why he legit fought that asshole who mocked the “little F****t hippies”
o   He was almost arrested for assault on that one actually
o   The cop was a buddy of his and 100% believed the “defense of those who can’t defend themselves” explanation that Gopher had
o   Got off with a warning and fined for “disturbing the peace” or some mundane BS
·       Piglet
o   21 years old
o   Gay and demiboy
o   Anxiety disorders through the roof
o   OCD
o   Recycling is a compulsion
o   Reducing energy consumption too
o   He checks his lights all the time
o   He walks or bikes everywhere
o   He says it’s to reduce CO2 emissions
o   He’s just scared of vehicles
o   Has some kinda PTSD but nobody knows the source
o   He got into a massive car accident when he was little
o   Because his father was angry and speeding
o   His mother died in the accident
o   But nobody knows this!  Someday he will tell them tho
o   Today is not that day
o   Tomorrow is not that day either
o   But someday
o   Crush on Eeyore
o   Also a university student
o   Studying mathematics because it makes sense to him
o   Gopher reminds him of his grumpy old gay uncle who died when he was in high school
o   Feels like he can actually not double-check or cross-reference anything that Gopher teaches him because he trusts him a lot
o   Still will sometimes check everything if he’s having a bad day
o   Gopher doesn’t mind, he understands that Piglet has a lot of anxiety issues
o   Has an exception in his uni file to be able to take twice as long on his exams and tests and get an extra few days for assignments because he checks every single answer 3 times
o   His OCD number is 3, everything is 3, he turns his lights on and off 3 times, etc
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ericka-writes · 6 years
Text
broken bones (shredded soul) // one
Summary: It's been seven hundred and sixty five days and Eddie Kaspbrak can't help but think if he's going to die in this room.
It's been one thousand and one hundred forty seven days since he saw Richie Tozier and he still loves him just the same.
Pairing/s: Reddie, side Stanlon and Benverly 
Word Count: 2,658
Read it on Ao3
It was cold and dark. He was laying in a bed that was unfamiliar yet it made him feel so uneasy. The place was eerily silent that it was as if the air in this tiny room was suffocating him. He wanted to sit up but he couldn't move his body. He can feel his heart beating rapidly against his chest. He shut his eyes tightly, trying his best to calm down. A heavy weight dropped itself on his chest, making it harder for him a breathe. Suddenly, a shriek filled the atmosphere. The voice made his blood run cold, he didn't know what to do. He was trapped, caged inside his own body. He yelled and yelled but no sound came out of his mouth.
"What do you think you're doing, Eddie?" the voice slurred, "Thinking of going back to that rascal? No. You're going to stay here, with me."
Eddie. That was his name.
"He's bad influence, Edward. He infected you with his disease. Not to worry, The doctors will fix you."
Eddie. No, that's not his name.
"You know what will happen if you go back to those miscreants, Eddie-bear. Listen to me."
No No No No No
"Don't worry, Eddie. When I come back, you'll be good as new. Its okay, you'll be okay."
His eyes were already open when the loud buzzing interrupted the silence he was surrounded by. A few minutes after that, keys jingling to open the door was the noise that occupied his ears. His eyes slowly trailed towards the door, meeting the eyes of the nurse he had ever since he can remember. Dianne was her name, she had dark curly that she likes to tie into a messy bun. She's thirty two years old; twelve years older than him and she insists on treating him like a baby.
"Hey, Stranger." she greeted him with a smile, something he didn't return. It made Dianne's warm grin fall, making him feel guilty. With a sigh, she placed the tray of food she was holding on his bedside table and sat by the foot of the small bed. She gave him a small smirk and asked, "How about a little game, yeah?"
He was silent for a moment, then he nodded. Knowing his competitive side, it made her smile as she counted it as a success on getting him to do something productive for the day. Starting with something easy, she asked "How about you tell me what you remember?"
He was still, not knowing what to say. He racked his brain for anything that he could remember before finally saying, "My name is Eddie, I'm twenty years old."
Dianne hummed before asking "Is that all?" Eddie wanted to say no; he wanted to tell her about his dreams, the shrill voice, the feeling of drowning but instead, he settled with "I remember strawberries and cigarettes." making her smile widely.
"Strawberries and cigarettes, huh? Think you used to smoke?" Dianne lightly teased him before standing up, taking the tray of food and settling it on his lap. The tray consisted of a banana, a small packet of bread, some eggs, a water bottle and the small cup that had his medicines. Eddie sighed, "I highly doubt that."
"Come on, cheer up a little. Dr. Green told me he has something important to tell you." she said, trying to lighten the mood.
"Who?" he mumbled as he sat up, rubbing the exhaustion out of his eyes. Dianne eyed him before sighing , "Dr. Green, honey. He's in charge of the whole hospital."
"Wash up afterwards then head on to his office, okay?" she called out as she walked out the door, leaving Eddie alone.
With him all alone, it gave him the time to think about what could Dr. Green possibly want from him. He was a quiet patient, not like the others who would cause such a ruckus. He can be trusted to take him medicines and be left alone, so Eddie was just confused why would the head of the hospital want to see him. The only time he ever saw the doctor was seven months ago, when Eddie had woken up from a therapy they tried out. From what he could gather, his old doctor was an asshole and did the method wrong so as a result, he fell into a coma and woke up with no memory of his life before that day. Sometimes, he wonders why he's even in this hospital. He doesn't look like a lunatic nor does he act or think like one but then again, that is what a crazy person would say.
After his breakfast, he cleaned himself up and walked towards Dr. Green's office. He knocked softly on the door, opening it when he heard a 'come in'. He peaked in before entering the room, walking towards the doctor. He wasn't alone. A woman was seated on the chair beside him, She looked well put together; her hair in a neat ponytail and a briefcase right beside her. The doctor stood up, " Eddie, this is Mrs. Gomez. Mrs. Gomez, this is Eddie Kaspbrak."
Eddie reached forward to shake the woman's hand. He sat down as Dr. Green pointed on the chair behind him.
Green looked at him and said, "Do you remember when you woke up from your therapy seven months ago? We told you that the doctor assigned to you did the procedure wrong causing your body to react so badly that you fell into a coma." when he nodded, the doctor continued "And you lost all of your memories because of it, yes?" he nodded again "Eddie, the truth is you've been checked into this facility three years ago. Your mother insisted that you needed proper treatment because you've been infected by some kids back in your hometown. A doctor named Henrik Weltch checked on you" He handed him a picture of the man, "Do you remember him?"
"Stay still, you little faggot. Your mother paid me good money and I intend on getting more of it."
"No." Eddie said, shaking his head hastily.
With a sigh, the doctor continued "Well, your mother and Weltch happen to be friends with the same mind, she paid him a lot of money and in return, he would do these methods on you, treatments, shock therapy to be exact, and medicines that weren't prescribed for you to take." the knowledge made him touch the scars on both his temples.
Eddie shook his head, "My mother insisted that I get treatment even when there isn't anything wrong with me? Why?"
Doctor Green looked at him with sympathy in his eyes, "We don't know for sure but we think its because she thought with the treatments she made Weltch do, you can convert back to your 'true-self' as your mother had put it. She thought with the medicine, you wouldn't be infected."
Eddie took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose "Correct me if I'm wrong but did my mother payed that man to torture me into turning straight?"
"Unfortunately, yes. Its a good thing we found out what he's been doing to you. We caught him and sent him to jail, where he deserves to be. And you would have been released seven months ago but we didn't want to risk your mother sending you into another facility. Not to worry now, It's not a problem anymore. Mrs. Gomez?" the doctor turned to the woman beside him.
"Hi, Eddie. I'm your mother's lawyer. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you but your mother died last week because of a heart attack."
He had a mother, and now she's dead. Eddie doesn't know if he should be happy or sad because his mother is dead. From what he's been hearing so far, his mother checked him into a mental health facility even though he's perfectly fine, she paid money for a guy to torture him and she wouldn't give a shit that the doctor was in jail already, she would willingly check him in another asylum. So, yeah, his mother sounds like a bitch and he doesn't know what to feel about that.
"This means everything she owns, according to her will, will be given to you. That means the house in Derry, Maine and everything that she owns; money, jewelry, everything. And I checked in with Doctor Green and he says that you do have G.A.D. but you don’t really have any major mental illnesses that we could consider you mentally incapable of deciding what's best for you so it would be okay for you to sign these." she finished handing him the documents and a pen to use. So, his mother is bitch but a rich bitch?
Eddie didnt know what to do, to say or to think but he knows one thing; he wanted to get the hell out of this place. So, He took the papers and signed.
He was packing up the very little things that he had when Dianne walked into his room.
"So, you're really leaving, huh?" she said with a sad smile on her lips "Im happy for you, really."
He sighed, "I don't even know where I'm going, Dianne. I don't know anything or anyone. I don't even know where I'm going to live. I'll probably be living in the streets after I leave." That's not exactly true, his mother did leave him a ton of money according to the Mrs. Gomez.
"Wait."she said before digging into his suitcase. She stopped when she saw a small green handbook, opening it and looking for something. "Aha!" she said, pointing at a page "Mike Hanlon, sounds legit. Come on, lets call him up." she tease, bumping her shoulder with his. He may hate this place, but he will surely miss Dianne. He stood up, closing his suitcase, and walking out of the room he occupied for three years.
They walked to the front desk, picking up his papers and calling 'Mike'. Dianne told him he should be the one to call the guy but he insisted that she talked to him instead. He felt uncomfortable talking to a guy he didn't know. As he anxiously waited for Dianne, he began to have a debate whether she should hang up on him or not.
Good Morning, this is Dianne from The Sisters of Merciful Angels. Is this Mr. Mike Hanlon?
Yeah Hi, This is him. How can i help you?
Sir, Do you know anyone named Eddie Kaspbrak?
um Eddie? yeah why?
Well, sir Would it be okay for you to pick him up? He's being released today and he doesn't really have a place to go.
.....
Sir?
What kind of game are you playing? Do you not have any respect?
I'm sorry, sir? i don't understand.
Eddie's been dead for three years. We know that, we had our peace with that. What do you think you'll get from this?
Sir, Im so sorry if i offended you on any sort but Mr. Kaspbrak is alive. He's been with us for the past three years. I don't know who told you that he's dead but he's alive and well. Would you like to talk to him?
Can I talk to him?
Of course, sir. Please keep in mind that he's gone through a lot and he doesn't remember anything from the last twenty years. He doesn't remember you as well.
Okay.
Dianne turned to him, "He wants to talk to you" his eyes widened, slowly talking the phone with his shaky hands. He cleared his throat before saying "Hello?"
Eddie?
Um, Mr. Hanlon, I would understand if you don't wa-
Oh my god, Eddie, It is you.
Um, yeah, its me.
I don't understand, Sonia said you were dead. She said you had cancer or some shit?
Who's Sonia? Oh wait, my mother. Right.
Yeah. Where are you? Ill pick you up.
Uh, talk to Dianne
And with that, he gave the phone to Dianne. As it turns out, Mike was four hours away, being in New York.
Dianne told me that they were in Boston, How in the hell did he end up in Boston?
Hours have passed, Dianne did her best to check up on him but she had to work or else she'll get fired. The girl at the front desk turned on the radio at some point. After a hurricane of high pitched pop songs, the soft tune of an acoustic guitar filled the waiting room Eddie was sitting in. The voice was deep and a little rugged, it felt so familiar. He can feel his heart wanting to burst out of his chest. The song continued on, he can feel himself slip into oblivion.
Laughter; the atmosphere was filled with laughter and joy. It was new for Eddie to feel this way. It was odd because for the last seven months, all he dreamed about was that shrill voice and the emptiness he feels in his heart. He felt free, like he could fly along with the birds on the sky. He can move, feel the grass and dirt beneath his feet.
"Come on, Eds! Stop being a pussy!" A voice screamed at him, the voice was followed by a group of laughter. He turned towards the noise, wanting to see who was talking to him.
"Oh my fuck, Kaspbrak! Hurry up and jump already!" "Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!" "Come on! What a chicken!"
"Alright, you fuckers!" he took a deep breath and jump off the cliff, landing on the murky green water. He swam towards the surface, gasping for air. Arms wrapped around his waist and a wet kiss was placed on his cheek. "I knew you could do it, Eds!"
His vision was blurry, he couldn't see the boy in front of him. He squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again, desperate to see who was calling him that.
Eds. That was his name, not his real name of course but he wanted it to be. He didn't want to be Eddie, he didn't want complicated and pain. He didn't want the emptiness and demons that came with Eddie. He just wanted to stay there, in the arms of the boy who calls him Eds. He wanted the blissful feeling of peace and love. He just wanted to be Eds.
He woke up to a new song; it was loud and obnoxious, he feels like an old man for saying that. To pass some time, he decided to read the magazines placed on the coffee table in front of him. Halfway through his third magazine, the doors busted open causing Eddie to look up from his paper. A guy with dark skin and dark shrivelled hair came in with a curly headed guy right behind him. Their eyes searched the room until it landed on Eddie. It made him feel nervous but when the two of them came running towards him, he couldn't help himself from standing up to meet them halfway.
Arms were suddenly around him, hugging him so tight that he couldn't breathe but he did nothing to stop them. Both of the their smell hit him in the face, it made him smile. Tears streamed down his face, he didn't know why but he doesn't mind, they're crying as well. The guy with dark hair was the first to pull away, kissing his forehead again and again before hugging him tightly, he couldn't help but laugh.
He may not know these two, nor does he know the name of this guy that has kissed him so many times on his forehead but he couldn't bring himself to mind so much because with the pair of them crying softly against each his shoulder, he thinks that there might be a chance that he belongs perfectly with them.
He never felt more at home.
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Ep. 11: “Do you all think I am just floating over here with no one?” - Aimee
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Amy A
Ben ☹️. I didn’t play too well with him and it was such a good blindside I couldn’t resist. I wish him well and I just have a feeling I’m next to go 
Olivia A
Okay umm we got Ben out but it turns out Kalle gave me a real idol? So I feel weird. The reason we began suspecting her of lying was because Hanuha people knew about Maddison’s safety without power advantage and Kalle was literally the only person who could’ve told them. IDK!!
Aimee
I’m just so tired of crying! Sarah tried to video chat and I just couldn’t. No one knew I don’t think that Ben and I were so close. Gaaaaah I’m gonna miss him so much! He just helped me so much to stay sane in this game. The last thing I need is anyone seeing me as a big hot mess. I can’t catch a break. 
Sarah
From two nights ago.... https://youtu.be/uebz8rVKNbg https://youtu.be/xQyiuiGeEpo
Pedro A
when i actually thought i was at the bottom........THERES EVEN A LOWER BOTTOM...THAT IM IN RIGHT NOW......chille ben screwed us BIG TIME....we were in a great spot..i dont even know what to say at this point
Sarah
Wow. Okay. I didn’t want to be a villain but here we are. I will post a video confessional soon but for now, the plan to vote out Ben actually worked. I called Maddison last minute and explained that Ben and Kalle were tight and were all over the place, playing both sides. Maddison found out that Kalle was a rat and was not being completely truthful and we both agreed on voting Kalle or Ben. We agreed on Ben because we thought Kalle was going to play her idol on herself.... turns out Ben was telling the truth in voting out Kalle to old Hanuha and Kalle actually gave Olivia a real idol. More to come... but for now I feel like a villain ahhh. 
Kalle N.
Well I said that my only goal was to make jury and not go to the FTC so it looks like Ben really helped me achieve that. THAT FOOL REALLY FUCKED ME OVER ON HIS WAY OUT THE DOOR. This is fine. I will never let him forget that I've beaten him twice now and that's all that matters. Did not see this tribal coming at all. Can't wait to get voted out next
Najwah
If I learned anything today is that we tend to read in and over think and make up scenarios in our head. Ben was actually on our side all along? Who would have thought. All the bits and pieces he told us today just didn't add up and Cody said he was different and everyone was just quiet and Ben didn't talk in the group, he spoke to people individually. I don't really understand what just happened but we wasted so much energy speculating lmao. And now where the hell do we go from here? Cody has become so paranoid also. The minute Ben told him that those people will be writing his name he became soooo paranoid wtf. Then he WASTED an advantage and idol at tribal? Just bc he still didn't trust the plan. I'm starting to think that Cody just can't trust anyone or any process. I really think he needs to chill more. Be more low key. Just try to be calm. If you get voted out, it's not like you're going to die or something. It's just a game after all. 
Aimee
Apparently tribe was getting too suspicious of how Ben and Kalle were so close. I still don’t get why I had to be left out of the vote though? Why can’t I get the respect to be told what is happening before the vote, so I have time to process my emotions and have my stuff together a little. https://immunityilol.tumblr.com/post/617448854807298048 Instead I get nothing. I get a call from Sarah right after Ben is voted out. Obviously I can’t answer it because I’m crying and no one knew I was super close to Ben. I’m just so angry right now first Grae now Ben! IS MADDISON NEXT!? FUCK! Like Gah I’m afraid to get close to anyone. But I just love getting to know people. I finally got to video chat with Maddison. Fucking loved it! She is great to talk to and great to have on this crazy skype isolation island. I need some interaction and realness right now. Ok I’m totally drinking. It’s hard enough to process all this nonsense sober. We will see what the next day brings. 
Aimee
Sarah I really don’t want us to end up like this Casanova music video. 😢💔 I guess everyone wants to blindside Aimee as a treat. I hope people got their jollies out of it. 🌟 Allie X - Casanova feat VÉRITÉ https://youtu.be/YpVunjboAWg
Sarah
From last night.... https://youtu.be/EirlyVVXDKk
Sarah
Day 21 https://youtu.be/aYiGStuSKDA
Pedro A
Im afraid Kalle will throw me under the bus...just to stay this week cause shes on the bottom....and im also afraid that maddison and olivia will try to convince kalle to vote me out...instead ....since they are coming for me ...GOSHHH..i hate my life...i need immunity...CAN I LIKE HAVE IT?
Pedro A
okay so im excited to see everyone's answers to this challenge...THIS WILL BE INTERESTING...it will reveal a lot of people real thoughts ..IM READY FOR TEAAAA YALL
Najwah
I enjoyed my day today. I think it's the first time I was fully in the real world in 22 days. I'm playing a reckless game right now. There are so many layers in this game but after last night's tribal and learning that Ben was being legit, I just feel bad. I love Cody but he's definitely a loose cannon and can't play low key. Which is definitely bad for my game. He and Sarah are trying to push me into getting Amy on our side, but our relationship just isn't like that. I don't want to make her feel used. I like her. I really like her a lot. I like Sarah too. And Cody. I want to be friends with all these people IRL lol so I don't want to play against them or lie to them. This game just gets harder every time someone gets voted off tbh but I'm at the point where I feel like "if my plan works, then great", "if it doesn't, then whatever. I get to chill on panderosa and get to sleep more and actually spend time with my family and friends who I've been avoiding since this started lmao" Also, I'd be able to work again. I haven't got much work done urgh. I don't know whether my super idol is real. I'm curious to see what tonight's challenge will reveal. I am not going in with any syrategy
Cody wants to go for Kalle and Pedro coz they voted for him? I don't know, I think that's kinda silly and I'm not about revenge. You have to think rationally. And we have made a few irrational choices of late because people read into things. I still wish Ben hadn't told Cody that everyone was voting for him. That's how so much of yesterday's shit started. I have been so tired since yesterday. Tired of the scheming and overthinking and being paranoid over nothing urgh. Aimee also wants to call me after the challenge. I'm kinda scared tbh. I had a dream last night that Aimee killed me lmao this game is haunting me and giving me nightmares. Honestly, I'd be okay if anyone left wins this game. Okay except Kalle. She's the only one I've not interacted with and she just seems dodge idk. Maybe I'm still thinking about Zack's stupid analysis on people. Anyways. 
Najwah
I'm happy for Maddison tbh. She deserved that. I just want to scream about Cody though? Why did Cody chop Aimee? Wtf. And that made Aimee chop Sarah before she chopped Amy or Maddison. I'm so confused. Ugh. 
Maddison
Apparently I don’t know much about this tribe. Yeet!
Pedro A
Villan of the season?....im honored...but bitter jury?...i didnt like that one..lol
Aimee
I chopped Pedro for Grae. 
I chopped Olivia and haha sorry I got so nervous on here that I just chopped the final chop, even though that was savage as hell... I called her a goat and then chopped her right out of the game. Oops hahahahaha. When I watch this challenge back I look like the C word with a capital C.... And that word isn’t “cartwheel.” I chopped Sarah for the Ben blindside. I chopped Amy for my mental health. I can’t lose Maddison! I’m so sick of being tortured that I truly am running out of fucks tbh. Just chop anyone, whatever. Why do I care...
Aimee
Ohhhh Najwah!!!! Don’t worry about not telling me about the vote or accidentally calling me a goat because you didn’t know the meaning. I think I would make a cute goat. https://nunyabizni.tumblr.com/post/615593098008035328 Love that you think I’m actually “the Greatest of All Time.” I adore you and our friendship 💖❤️💞 luv you girl!!! I know you’re truly being genuine unlike others. I’m waiting for this game to tip in our favor so we can run with it. https://youtu.be/TGwZ7MNtBFU This MV is dedicated towards Najwah after Cody swooped in and stole my final 2 with her. No hard feelings; I have my own stuff to sort out after my man Ben was voted out. I’m pretty confident you have a final 2 with Cody and I love that for you. 🧡💛💚 I’m happy y’all got together and are strong with Sarah. But here I am. Do you all think I am just floating over here with no one? Just not playing the game and grazing my grass over here like a “goat?” They really don’t know how close I was with Ben and they got stupid lucky on that one. I’m not as clueless as you all think... it’s in your best interest to reconsider. Also let’s not skip over the fact that Sarah and I both didn’t get an answer on touchy subjects for “who do you trust the most.” Yeah don’t think I didn’t peep that. 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 Sarah didn’t put me and I didn’t put her. I put Maddison. Cody had 2 votes. Najwah and Sarah put him. I’m not dense. I guess Sarah is cool with being that 3rd wheel. Loving the fact that apparently no one has been seeing me reaching across the aisle for damn DAYS trying to play with Maddison.... oh honey, oh girl...oh no no ... that was just Ben right? Yeah. My final 2 with Ben is gone so I’m rogue and hoping I can get Maddison as far as possible with me. Also! Just letting you all know I’m not a damn chump. It’s SO OBVIOUS that Cody Najwah and Sarah have a fucking secret chat that they’ve been in since the beginning of all time, which included Zack. You’ve heard it here first folks. Oh and I’ve known this for at least a week or two. The tells are so blatant, but catch me pretending to have no idea. I’m not the goat that you think I am, but I would LOVE you to continue to think of me of a goat and forgettable. If you knew what I was doing I wouldn’t be allowed to get to the end. If I’m on any players radars then that means I am doing a bad job. So, I absolutely loved what this challenge revealed. I know way more than people think I know, but I am playing up the ditzy card hardcore. I would much rather prefer to be a stealthy sniper that people think is not playing. Give me a chance to explain my game in the final tribal and you might regret that. I have been doing all the same moves as Ben and same exact strategy.... he gets called a big threat and blindsided and yet here I am with identical strategy and totally left alone and tbh a little disrespected but that works to my advantage. Perception is not reality! This could be everyone’s biggest mistake and I honestly love it. I just want Kalle and Pedro out tbh. I got my big boobs and my positivity. I’m mind strong and I’m ready to get this. Your lady is never giving up. If you blindside me again it better be me that gets voted out. Otherwise you’re all in a world of fucking trouble... https://64.media.tumblr.com/0389c791f095d54973543b32d4414577/984582d2a107588c-89/s540x810/c10ec7b961de2fd3b693a886ea7385b04ed3d653.gifv
Najwah
I am still tired. LOL. Amy L still hasn't replied to me. I think she hates me right now and I burned the bridge with her, which I'm obviously sad about because it's the only bridge I really cared about? Like she's the only person who I was 100% sure about and we've always respected each others allegiance to their alliances. Anyway. What does it matter now? I'm going to let Cody and Sarah make a plan with this tribal scrambling. Oh Cody said the reason he chopped Aimees rope is because he didn't want her to win immunity again lmao so he rather chops someone in his own alliance wtf I can't get over that fatal mistake. That and playing the extra vote and idol😭😭 ugh and I think people assume I am his goat or something lmaooooo I absolutely adore Cody but I really hope he doesn't mess things up for himself. Sarah wants me to get coins for them to buy an immunity idol. Do I really want to waste 5 coins again on someone whose just going to get paranoid and play it? I don't know. I need to think on it. 
Aimee
Welp I finally told my first lie in this game and hopefully it’s not my demise. I guess it’s my turn to be messy. I’m still coping with Ben being gone. 💔😢😫 Why the nut, did I tell Pedro I want him here. It was definitely too much alcohol and worried if he had another idol I would be the throw vote. Welp we will see if he throws that info all over the island. https://64.media.tumblr.com/d9f98e355c7e9229777fa982551cfd7e/tumblr_nr72mkoPHr1rs8h9do7_250.gifv https://64.media.tumblr.com/d37a2b6f76f83c1beaca2ca2bac6bb72/tumblr_nr72mkoPHr1rs8h9do3_250.gifv I’ve made peace with it though. This lady ain’t stopping, but if this puts me in jury. I’m honestly excited! I’ll finally get to talk to James, Grae and Ben again! And that makes my heart warm. ♥️ 
Pedro A
I'm probably going home tonight....kinda done with this.....I'm exhausted and emotionally drained from this experience.. I just wanna chill...at the end of the day its either me or kalle....so may the odds be in my favor!!
Najwah
I'm nervous about this vote. Apparently Maddison and co are willing to work with us to get Kalle out. I don't know how legit it is but I'm tired tonight and I just think I should do an early vote before people change their minds. 
Amy A.
So we had the game yesterday and there was a question about ‘closest Ally’ and no one chose me. I’m not really bothered about everyone else except NAJWAH. She didn’t choose me! I was the only one who chose her cos her name came just ONCE. Whoever she ended up choosing as her closest ally didn’t even choose her. It’s made me real life sad because I trusted her so much. Honestly, I didn’t even think twice about putting her name down for closest ally. I haven’t even spoken to anyone about tonight’s vote. Idk who I’m voting for but I know it’s not her cos I promised her that. That’s the only reason. Maybe I’m the one going home. I don’t know. 
Maddison
Let’s hope for a straightforward vote tonight with no unforeseen twists!
Aimee
https://youtu.be/m4Z0RN_KhK0 A flow mobz - thrill over fear (feat. luna blake) Omg I couldn’t sleep last night and I just woke up being bitchy about Pedro. I don’t think he actually has anyone besides maybe Kalle. My walls are up and I just want this vote to work in my favor and be Kalle. I hope there are no hard feelings after this game. I just want to get to know everyone during all this covid madness and have some fun. 🌈
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borderlynn · 6 years
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1-70 I want to know it all in great detail
I see, the key to getting asks is to passive-aggressively tag your friends.
01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Anyone who has ever known me in real life knows I absolutely do not. I have an alcoholic, compulsive liar for a mother and an absent father, plus some grandparents who are so convinced that they are my actual parents that they would probably kick me out if they learned I refer to them as my grandparents. Fun times.
02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?
Either my dog or yours lol. I don’t like telling people I love them. That’s something to be shown through your actions, otherwise the word loses its meaning. 
03: Do you regret anything?
I don’t even know where to start with this one. I’ve regretted basically every major decision I’ve made, and I probably shouldn’t be allowed to think for myself. If I had to name a few things that I regret right now, I would say I regret spending my spring break being so bitter. I really did have a good time, but I would have enjoyed myself more if I hadn’t tried to make it about me. My other big regret at the moment is cancelling my campus residence app. I screwed myself out of a guaranteed place and now I’m stuck with a bunch of drama and uncertainty. Also, there’s a friend that I’ve had for years and there were times when I was pretty horrible to her and she stuck with me despite it. I wish I had been mature enough at the time to be the person she needed in her life, instead of causing drama.
04: Are you insecure?
Extremely. I have a lot of insecurities about my body, mostly my face and hair, but a lot of my family in underweight and it was kind of instilled in me, that to be attractive I had to be underweight, like I remember when I started high school I made it a goal to stay below 110lbs until after graduation. I was still growing so that goal was as unrealistic as it was unhealthy. I’ve struggled with disordered eating since I was like 12. Other than that I can be really insecure about asking for the things I want and need. One of my biggest fears is people seeing me as selfish.
05: What is your relationship status?
I’m a single Pringle! I was in a relationship for a few months, but I got dumped because I consistently put my friends before her, which is funny because I’m in the middle of some conflicts with friends over not talking with them enough. I’ve been on a few dates and stuff since then, but I’m in a bad place right now mental health wise, so being single is probably for the best rn. 
06: How do you want to die?
This is kind of dark, but I don’t really care how I die as long as I’m in control of how it happens. If there’s a really wild and interesting story involved that would be even better. 
07: What did you last eat?
I’m munching on some green chili peanuts with a crap ton of Diet Coke. I’m at home right now so I’ve been eating way more than usual.
08: Played any sports?
I used to do ballet, gymnastics, contemporary and jazz, as well as various ballroom dances. I’ve blocked most of it out and lost a lot of my flexibility, but I would love to return to ballet at some point. I miss gymnastics too, but I’m too tall for it lol.
09: Do you bite your nails?
I’ve always been weirdly prideful of my nails and the thought of biting them has always freaked me out, like my nails are my babies. Keeping them nice is a big deal to me so my chompers can stay the hell away lmao
10: When was your last physical fight?
I’ve never actually been in a physical fight. The closest encounters were last semester, when my old roommate got a concussion from a crazy person that used to live with us, and a few years ago when I let a friend slap me.
11: Do you like someone?
I’m assuming this means like like. I’m not super interested in dating right now, but there have been people that have sparked my interest recently.
12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?
I am smol and weak. My fragile shell of a body would actually start to disintegrate if I tried this. I’ve only made it to 24hrs once and my body like completely shut down.
13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?
I don’t like using the word hate for the same reasons I don’t like using the word love. There are people that I will not associate myself with and there are people in my life that I don’t feel any positive emotions towards, but there isn’t anyone that I could comfortably say I hate. 
14: Do you miss someone?
There are a lot of people from my life a few years back that I really miss, but I have to remind myself that I was a different person then, and some bonds are meant to be broken. I also really miss a lot of the friends I have at school. I take them for granted until we’re apart and then I feel all hallow, like part of me left too and that really sucks.
15: Have any pets?
I have a Chihuahua-weiner mix. He’s super old and he doesn’t have a tail and his name is Bob. He’s great. My aunt’s dog is basically my dog too, and he’s a pit mix. His name is Chester and he is actually a giant teddy bear. My friends have a doggo too, her name is Gwen and I am her aunt. She is the most talented and amazing fluffer who deserves the world.
16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?
I’m at that weirdly numb point right now where emotions are like a foreign concept to me. I’ve been super stressed and I have a lot of pretty serious decisions at the back of my mind that I can do nothing about at the moment. I’m super behind on my schoolwork and with all this stress, I know I can’t catch up. It’s super frustrating and there’s been a lot of drama amongst my friend group, making me feel like I can’t really trust anyone in my life right now. My age has been preventing me from doing so much recently and since my birthday is around the corner, even the people who claim to understand have been super condescending about my anger over it. There have also been a lot of deaths recently in the city where I go to school, and I’ve learned that death is a bit of a trigger for me, so that hasn’t been fun. I feel like I’m one serious breakdown from being there myself and that’s super scary. 
17: Ever made out in the bathroom?
Somehow, no.
18: Are you scared of spiders?
When I was little I was really afraid of spiders and would go out of my way to have them killed. I had intense breakdowns whenever I thought a web touched me. Now, I regret having hurt innocent creatures and I think spiders are really cool. Leave the land crabs alone!
19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Yeah, knowing what I know now, I think that it would be cool to try and get myself to the point where I am now, but without a lot of the drama.
20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?
My dorm room lol. 
21: What are your plans for this weekend?
I’m taking a greyhound back to my college town on Saturday, and Sunday I’m returning to my normal schedule. I’m not looking forward to that eight hour bus ride.
22: Do you want to have kids? How many?
I’m kind of a lone wolf, and I really want to travel so kinds aren’t really in the picture, at least not until I’ve gotten my doctorate. Even then I would either adopt or use a donor, and I wouldn’t have more than two. 
23: Do you have piercings? How many?
Right now only my ears are pierced, but I plan on getting my septum done in May, followed by a double medusa. I also really want dimples and a brow done. Eventually I’d do my nipples and stomach as well.
24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?
I’ve always been geared toward the liberal arts. I love all things involving art, history, and languages. I low-key have always enjoyed math too. I’m working on my bachelors in comparative cultural studies with minors in queer studies and museum studies. I want to carry that on to a masters in gender studies and a phd in Buddhist art. After that I’d like to go back to school fo economics and eventually obtain a masters in economic history.
25: Do you miss anyone from your past?
I miss people from my past when I’m unsatisfied with the people currently in my life. I have to remind myself that they aren’t around anymore for a reason and that it’s more important to work on the relationships that are relevant. Dwelling on the past does more harm than good. 
26: What are you craving right now?
Some love and affection? I’m not craving anything really. I could just use some peace and quiet.
27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
Yes. I’ve broken an ex’s heart when I ended the relationship. I was unhappy, to the point where I cheated. This was also the point when I started to question if I was actually a lesbian. I dumped him and never told him why. I broke my friend’s heart when I led her on, but then rejected her because I was in love with someone else (who did something similar to me). I broke my aunt’s heart when I told her I felt like I don’t have a family. I broke my biological mother’s heart when I made it clear that I didn’t want her in my life. I’m pretty good at the whole hurting others thing. 
28: Have you ever been cheated on?
It’s very possible, but if someone did, they never told me.
29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
I can’t name a specific time, but I’m sure it’s happened.
30: What’s irritating you right now?
What isn’t irritating me right now? Oh my god. 
31: Does somebody love you?
I’ve had a lot of people tell me they do, but I have a hard time feeling it most of the time.
32: What is your favourite color?
I love every color, and I don’t like making colors feel left out, so my favorite changes a lot. Right now it’s yellow, because yellow is a bright, warm, happy color. I also really like pink. The pastels of both of those are 10/10
33: Do you have trust issues?
I legit don’t even trust myself. The only person I honestly trust 100% is my aunt. I have really bad trust issues, but I also overshare a ton. My life is a cycle of sharing my life story and then panicking. 
34: Who/what was your last dream about?
The other night I went to sleep while drunk and I had this wild dream where I met someone, learned his whole life story, flirted and eventually fell in love with him, came out to him, saying I’m not sexually attracted to guys (he came out as ace too so it was perf), and then he was hit by a car, causing irreparable brain damage. I woke up right after, but that dream will haunt me.
35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?
My aunt. I was updating her on my life in college, and it’s been less than ideal.
36: Do you give out second chances too easily?
I’m a huge believer of forgive but don’t forget. I used to be so bad about grudges that I would be angry even after forgetting what I was upset about. I guess I have the opposite issue here.
37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive. Like I said above, I might forgive you, but knowing what someone did before will always leaving me searching for instances of them doing it again. Trust issues who?
38: Is this year the best year of your life?
It’s only March and I already know that it will be one of the worst years of my life. Ugh.
39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?
I think I was thirteen. I didn’t know how I felt about guys at the time and I almost puked in that poor dude’s mouth. 
40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
I have, and it was terrifying. Midday skinny dipping wasn’t one of my greatest ideas.
51: Favourite food?
Avocado on toast with a poached egg on top, muffuletta, yellow curry, and eggs benedict are my top ones.
52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Absolutely. I didn’t really believe this until my roommate’s big fight last year. So much happened in one night, that wouldn’t have happened if we had done things even a second later. It was wild, but it was like there was so much pent up negative energy that the universe needed to release, and it found a way to make that happen.
53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
I put some food away.
54: Is cheating ever okay?
The thing about cheating is that it’s when you go out of your way to do something with someone else when you know it would hurt your current partner. It’s something that happens when you aren’t happy in your relationship, and in a lot of cases it can be a cry for help. It is hurtful and a sign that a relationship isn’t meant to be, but cheaters shouldn’t always be villainized.
55: Are you mean?
I can be, but I try not to.
56: How many people have you fist fought?
None, lol
57: Do you believe in true love?
Not really. There are so many people that we have things in common with or who exist on the same wavelength. We might find someone that makes us happy for a long while, but nothing is permanent.
58: Favourite weather?
I love hot, sunny days when you can leave windows open, wear shorts, and only drink things with ice. 
59: Do you like the snow?
I lived in Alaska for over nine years before moving to the Sonoran desert. I moved to Northern Arizona for school, and when I saw snow again, it was as an adult who only saw the negative aspects of it. I hate being cold.
60: Do you wanna get married?
I don’t see myself ever being married. I would have to really love someone if I were to actually settle down and start a life with them. Right now I really only see it as something that would tie me down.
61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
I honestly hate baby as a pet name. It freaks me out. The only pet names I find cute are the unusual ones, like once when an ex accidentally called me cornbread.
62: What makes you happy?
Getting my nails done, binging my favorite show (Archer), travel, doggos, wandering around in stores with my music blasting so I can feel like I’m somewhere away from my problems, seeing people impressed with food I made, completing a project and being proud of my work, etc.
63: Would you change your name?
I hate my birth name, but I’m also afraid I’ve been conditioned to feel that way by my grandparents as a way to attack my bio mom. Because of that, I’ve been going by my middle name and various nicknames. Most people close to me call me Abby, but my favorite thing is to be called Lynn. I’m pretty hesitant to legally change it though.
64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
Yeah, the last person I kissed kinda sexually assaulted me, and I’d like to avoid that.
65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Reject them as nicely as possible. Dating would be bad for me right now, and I’m pretty sure I’m not sexually attracted to men.
66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?
I don’t think I have a best friend, period. I don’t think I’m entirely myself around anyone through. Different people will bring out different parts of my personality.
67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
Not sure tbh. 
68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
My aunt. The conversation we had about my life at school was pretty emotional.
69: Do you believe in soulmates?
No, for the same reason I don’t believe in true love. Life is too impermanent for there to be someone our soul fits with perfectly. There is too much change for something to be predetermined like that. 
70: Is there anyone you would die for? 
Anyone who has ever been somewhat nice too me. Honestly though I would be willing to die for a lot of people. The thought of anyone else having to suffer really sucks and if I can save them from that, I would.
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What I’ve Learned from Leaving Corporate America
9 months ago, I left my high stress job as a Senior Vice President at a major movie studio.  Since then, I’ve been on an incredible journey of healing and insight, and want to share some of my meaningful discoveries.
It takes time to ‘turn off’ your patterns, whether physical or mental ones.
For me, it was a tough transition to stop habits grown over decades. I was conditioned to check my emails constantly, brace myself for long days of meetings, and feel stressed out about some project or what my boss was thinking. What do I do with this quiet and this space? I felt unanchored and a bit purposeless at first. After a few weeks, I relaxed into and then relished the gift of unscheduled days.
I don’t need much to be happy.
And, guess what? It’s the non-material things that bring me joy.  Things like gardening, reading, listening to music, exercising, spending time with friends and family. I didn’t have time for much of this when I was working and these pleasures don’t really cost much money either!
I remember a conversation with my dad, who was a very successful and high powered attorney, during which he described his ideal retirement. He imagined spending his days reading good books while drinking coffee and petting his dog. This is a good snapshot of how I’ve spent the past 9 months and you know what? He was on to something. It is pretty great.
I can live comfortably on a lot less than my previous salary.
Why? Because I have time to do things that previously I outsourced. Things like meal planning and cooking instead of ordering take out every night. And I, Paige Lewis, who abhorred cooking (an epic fail in the eyes of my mother), learned how to cook and now ENJOY DOING IT. Today, I find great satisfaction in knowing what is going into my food and being able to control how healthy it is. It’s cheaper than a restaurant and when it tastes good, too (I’ve had my inedible fails, believe me), that’s a win!
AND, I’m not buying unnecessary clothes, makeup or a new set of towels to provide a short term endorphin boost. Because I have downtime to decompress, I don’t need to relieve stress with shopping.  I’ve learned to ‘shop my closet,’ realizing that I have plenty of basics for a “capsule wardrobe” (Look it up. It’s trending with Minimalists).  I’m wearing and enjoying items I forgot I owned, and it is kind of fun!
I had time to heal myself (and my dog).  
Without health, you cannot do much of anything.  The main reason I left my job was because it nearly killed me. I was so stressed and run down that I contracted MRSA (fancy name: Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus), which is an antibiotic resistant staph infection. Even worse, it can become deadly quickly if it enters one’s bloodstream. It’s something that very ill people or those who’ve had long hospital stays acquire. Very unusual for a fairly healthy 46 year old to get it. What I thought was an insect bite turned into a palm sized infected crevice on my right butt cheek. A legit pain in my ass.  I was hospitalized for a week and on disability for six weeks afterwards.  The blessing of this scary life disruption was that I had time to realize that my job wasn’t bringing me any joy. I needed to make a lifestyle change.
With this time, I’ve educated myself about wellness which has evolved into a passion. I always considered myself a healthy eater but had some bad habits that were significantly impacting my health. These are the four steps I took to heal myself:
1. I did a three month cleanse to clear up my gut health and restore the good bacteria. A lifetime of illnesses and antibiotics had wiped out most, if not all, of my good bacteria. Good bacteria are the important foot soldiers of strong immunity.  
2. I quit drinking Diet Coke. For my friends and family, this is a jaw dropper. I’ve been an addict since my teens, even sneaking Circle K 32 ounce “Thirst Busters” into class. Aspartame breaks down into formaldehyde, and one diet drink wipes out all of your good gut bacteria. 
3. I got off the sleeping pills. I needed Ambien or Lunesta nearly every night to take the edge off of stressful days and counteract all of the caffeine from the 4+ daily Diet Cokes. 
4. I switched to an anti-inflammatory diet. This one materialized in a humorous way. I have an elderly Labrador Retriever who has some health issues so I consulted with a vet specialist. She suggested I put her on an Eastern medicine based diet to reduce inflammation (e.g. arthritis). I started cooking for her and saw significant results. So I adopted her meal plan, choosing anti-inflammatory foods from her approved list. So yes, you could say eating ‘dog food’ has healed me.
I’m the healthiest I’ve been in my entire life.
I’ve learned the power of my mind. This is a big one and so simple. Thanks to a dear friend, I met a wonderful human, Betty Jones. She is a Transcendental Meditation guru and exudes encouraging healing energy. She taught me how to still my mind with meditation. It’s led me to exciting and invaluable discoveries.
I’m still on this journey of awareness so I’ll share one substantial lesson.  Quiet reveals your intuition. And your intuition is always the truth. With busyness as the new status symbol in our society, it’s nearly impossible to have time to slow your thoughts and just “be.” You can get there in many ways: meditation, time in nature, exercise, listening to music, yoga. Nevertheless, it’s critical. It calms anxiety and lets creativity and innate knowledge come to the surface. It reveals your path if you listen to it.
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