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#like it’s. not diagnosed with an eating disorder but it sure is like
julescape · 8 months
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#isn't it nice when you just say to your mum 'oh look at her she's dressed so well!' and then she goes on an one hour rant about ugliness#like... i just wanted to show her an outfit#and now she angrily stormed off after saying once again i ruin her life and she'd be happier without me#and like a few hours ago she was still 'UT you don't have suicidal thoughts do you? that'd be horrible'#like seriously how does she not get that it has an impact on me when she says i look terrible and disgusting#'your hair your skin your hands is all revolting' ok sure mum. thanks a lot#it's not like i cry about my appearance basically every day#'you'd be so pretty if ONLY you wore make up and dresses and were more feminine'... sure.#after i told her i feel like throwing up when i even think of me as very feminine and that i'd rather be a little (a LOT) more androgynous#and when i tell her she's pushing herself and me to unrealistic beauty standards she's like 'don't be dramatic'#when i tell her i sometimes struggle with eating enough she's like 'oh sure now you diagnose yourself with an eating disorder for attention'#she doesn't get it at all. worst of all is that she doesn't have any confidence either so she should understand how difficult it is#but no. i'm the one who's ugly and ruining my body.#have you ever fucking considered this is a cry for help????? no. of course not. everything that matters is that i become pretty and popular#and when i told her i'd rathe be comfortable in my clothes she scoffed and was like 'yeah everyone can see that that's your only concern'#i wish i would hate her even more than i do. or that i was indifferent about her#but like... she's still my mum. so it's not easy to keep my distance even if i try#and every time i tell her about my feelings at all she deminishes them and says i exaggerate#one day. one day they will ALL realize how i really feel#one day i'll be brave and pull through. and then they'll all be like 'i wish we'd seen the signs'#I SHOWED YOU THE SIGNS. OVER AND OVER AGAIN. BUT NO ONE CARED ENOUGH TO HELP ME!!!!!!!!!#one day i'll show them how little they know me and how little they cared#one day. hopefully soon. if i am brave enough.
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imimmaterial · 4 months
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and then god said you will have only the most subjective (meaning there is no or little way to actually prove it through like a blood test or smth) physical and mental conditions and symptoms
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allramnostorage · 5 months
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sunday dinner is great because sometimes your mom will simply admit that she put you on a diet at the ripe old age of 3 years old and then your entire life just makes more sense
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pollenallergie · 6 months
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:/
#tw disordered eating#personal#i have a consultation appt coming up soon with a bariatric weight loss program and i’m v nervy#i’ve always been fat and fairly unhealthy bc i didn’t have access to good food growing up (bc poor)#but i also struggle with self-control/impulse control because… obviously#so i binge a lot and then feel really bad afterwards (physically and mentally) but i struggle to tell myself no#so i go through periods where like one day i’ll eat absolutely nothing at all to punish myself & the next i’ll binge until i’m sick#but no psychiatrist has ever wanted to diagnose me with an eating disorder because… well… the psychiatrists in my area aren’t great…#and i’m fat…. so i don’t fit their idea of what someone with an eating disorder should look like#so i’ve never been able to get treatment for my disordered eating#so i’m excited about my consultation…#but i’m also nervous that i won’t be able to actually lose the weight#because most of my family has the same type of disordered eating#and they grew up poor so they don’t have the best idea of nutrition nor do they currently have the means to afford good food (still poor)#so regardless of what information i’m given#my family is likely going to continue to buy the same tempting unhealthy foods#and i just don’t trust myself :/#also i’m not sure if my insurance will cover my appointment if the clinic chooses to take me on as a patient#so i could literally just be told that yeah i’m overweight and i clearly need help but i can’t get help because insurance#which wouldn’t do anything for me except for make me feel 1000x worse about my current situation#but also i’m so tired of feeling/being this way#not necessarily being fat but being unhealthy and feeling like i don’t have control over my own impulses and actions…#like i don’t have the power to stop myself from binging#it’s just very frustrating and really taking a toll on me#sorry for the rant#but life is a lot for me right now#and i can’t talk to anyone in my family about this because they’ll think i’m a danger to myself#(aka going to off myself) & they’ll take me to the hospital & then i’ll have to go in inpatient again (i haven’t been inpatient since 14/15)#& i really just don’t want to deal with that because like… that’s not what’s happening here#tw mental instability
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babypetri · 1 year
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Wherever i look there is always something about ADHD. I look at what people saying their ADHD symptoms and honestly most of them fits me. At this point I'm convinced that i have ADHD too but i hate self diagnose i have to see psychiatrist. I should make a list about my symptoms and problems and why i think maybe i have ADHD, social anxiety and maybe eating disorder and mayhaps anger issues. I mean there are a few thinks made me thinking maybe autism too but like i said i hate self diagnose.
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ykidwithautism · 11 months
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Today I wanna vent about eating and the bad habits I have with it-
If ever finally get a therapist I will ask them for help and tell them about this too, no worries, I am aware it’s probably not healthy……
But like it confuses me. I suck at eating. It’s not that I don’t want to eat anything (okay I admit on bad days I sometimes just wanna feel hungry idk why, that’s just a bad way of home i sometimes cope with depressing feelings). But I just can’t eat. A lot of times my brain is just like “no”.
Especially with like the standard foods. So that makes I can’t eat breakfast or lunch and that result in me only eating dinner. UNLESS I have something special like a fancy sandwich or whatever. But that’s like expensive and I don’t have the energy at all to get myself something not basic. Plus after a few times that isn’t special anymore my brain is like “no.” again. Lol I tried. I also have 0 energy nor motivation to get myself to make a decent meal.
But on days I’m more tired I get such big anxiety about eating dinner. Like while I’m eating I just start feeling so anxious and I just don’t understand why- even when I like the food. Idk. It’s not like I have a traumatic history with dinner so I’m just not sure what the anxiety is about. But it’s so annoying bc dinner is usually the only thing I ate and I really don’t want that to become an issue too…………. It’s frustrating af. And the fact that I’m starting to feel anxious while eating dinner just makes me feel anxious in general. That’s not a nice loop-
And it’s not like I’m thinking “omg I don’t wanna eat this” and it’s also not that I’m worried about eating to much or so. I have no issues with being scared of too much food or feeling bad about eating more than usually. So I don’t think that’s a trigger
Which result in me being confused because I have no clue what causes the anxiety and panic.
Annoying af.
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marshmellowtea · 1 year
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while i think the idea that every woman has an eating disorder is an unreasonable fucking statement (and yes that is a real argument i’ve seen before it’s haunted me for years now), i don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that a lot of people in general—not just women—have an unhealthy relationship to food in some capacity
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alotofpockets · 2 months
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We've got you | Arsenal WFC
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Pairing: Arsenal x Teen!Reader
Request: Arsenal teen reader fic where they have an eating disorder and the team helps them through it.
Warnings: Eating disorders, passing out, talk of negative body image.
A/n: Thank you @catasha for proof-reading and your feedback & thank you @lessi-lover and @greynatomy as well for your help 💗
Masterlist | Woso masterlist | Words: 2k
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As the youngest player on the team a lot of your teammates kept a close eye on you. They made sure you did your homework, helped you pack your bag, and in general were there for you for whatever you needed. There was one thing they hadn’t noticed though, and it was that you had started eating less and less. You were actively trying to hide it from them, so you didn't blame them for not noticing.
You had been diagnosed with an eating disorder when you were fourteen years old, and though you had been doing better the past year, your old habits started to reappear. Of course, something like that doesn’t really go away, but the voices in your head telling you that you shouldn’t eat have been quiet.
None of your teammates knew about your diagnosis, as you hadn;t struggled with it during your time with Arsenal. Well, not until now. In your plan to hide it from your teammates, you hadn’t counted on someone knowing the symptoms of an eating disorder, but one of them did. Alessia Russo, one of the more recent signings was keeping an eye on your food intake, unbeknownst to you. She had noticed you barely touching your breakfast. At first she didn’t think anything of it, but when she saw you only eating a few bites of your lunch, until you excused yourself, her mind started to wonder. She recognized patterns she had been stuck on in her highschool years, and hoped that she was wrong, but she couldn’t just let the thoughts go.
After training that afternoon, Alessia walked with you back to your bags, having placed hers conveniently next to yours at the start. The two of you are talking, when she grabs a protein bar from her bag. “Man, I’m full. Can I interest you in the other half? I would hate for it to go to waste.” You hesitated, but took the bar from her, not fully confident in denying food one on one. Alessia continued talking, but you didn’t hear a word she was saying as you were trying to convince the voices in your head you should eat the bar she offered. You don’t deserve to eat. You’ve gained weight, eating the bar will make it go up more. You tried to fight it. I already took the bar, I have to at least take a bite to show my appreciation. After fighting with the voices in your head for what felt like half an hour, you managed to move the bar up to your mouth with a shaky hand. Luckily Alessia was busy untying her boots, and didn’t see your hands shaking. One small bite is all you were able to eat before the voices in your head started to get loud again. You smiled to Alessia, “Thank you for this.” and head back to the locker rooms. Once you were out of sight from the rest of the team, you threw the bar in a nearby trash can. 
You were currently training in Portugal, so you didn’t have much time where you weren’t surrounded by your teammates. Each meal time was taken together, so you diverted to making it seem like you were eating by tactically moving around the food on your plate, putting a bite on your fork and moving it around while you were conversing with the people surrounding you. Trying to keep their focus on your words, rather than the lack of food actually entering your mouth.
Alessia stuck around until most of the room had cleared out, leaving just the two of you in the room. She moved over to your table, “Hey y/n, how are you doing?” You look up from your plate, “Oh hi Lessi, I’m doing alright. How are you?” She smiled at you softly, “I’m doing alright as well. I wanted to check in with you, to see if everything was okay, since I noticed you hadn’t really touched your food.” Your cheeks turned red, had she noticed? You quickly shake off the thought and shrug your shoulders, “Oh, yes, I’m okay. Just not very hungry, that’s all.” Alessia didn’t want to push you, knowing that that could make it worse, so she settled on talking about football instead, to bond with you, and not let you be on your own. 
The next day you were running around during practice, you loved drills where you got to show your speed. The team was split into two lines, as you would be competing against each other. One person from each team would go at the same time, sprinting to the finish line, the one that reached it first would earn the cone for their team. The team that got to ten cones first would win the exercise. 
Your team was currently at nine cones, while the other team was at eight. It was you running against Lotte, and if you were the fastest, you would get the victory for your team. “You’re going down, grandma.” The team knew you as a joker, so Lotte was used to your antics. “Yeah yeah, you just focus on not tripping over your own feet, kiddo.” You roll your eyes at her, “That was one time!”  
The two of you get ready on the line and wait for the countdown and the whistle to blow. You were running neck and neck, until about three quarters of the way, it was then that you got a step ahead of Lotte, but your lead didn’t last long, as suddenly you found yourself getting weak and dizzy. You divert from the straight line that you were running, and slow down your run. Lotte immediately noticed that something was wrong, and stopped her run to help you. “Hey kid, what’s wrong?’ She grabs your shoulders to keep you in place. “Dizzy.” Is all you get out before you collapse in her arms. 
You passed out for a moment, but luckily the medics were quick by your side. “What happened?” You ask when you see all your teammates standing around you with worried looks on their faces. “You passed out, kid. Do you know what happened?” Leah had your head laying in her lap. “Don’t know.” You say groggily, still not feeling well. “Let’s get you to one of the physio rooms to get you checked out.” One of the medics reached down their hands to help you up. 
Everyone was in the hallway, waiting to hear what was going on, a few of them pacing the hallway, and others sitting along the wall. “She was joking around just moments before, how could this happen out of nowhere?” Leah voiced the thought that most of the girls shared. “I might have an idea.” Alessia said softly. 
The medics walk out of the physio room once they are done examining you, “She seems alright now. We don’t know what happened yet, so we will have to keep a close eye on her. We advised her to stay in the room for at least another hour, just until she feels a bit stronger again. You can see her though.” 
After what Alessia had just shared with the group, just Alessia, Leah, and Kim go into the room first. “Hey kiddo, how are you doing?” Leah sits down on the bed with you, and wraps her arm around you. “I still feel a bit weak, but otherwise okay. You all look very serious though, what’s going on?” Leah looks up to Kim with tears welling in her eyes, not being able to do the talking without breaking. You were like a little sister to her, and it hurt seeing you like this. “It came under our attention that you haven’t really been eating, and we wanted to check in with you. You really scared us out there kid, you need to take care of your body. Can you please tell us how long this has been going on?” They knew now, so hiding was no longer an option. “I was diagnosed with an eating disorder when I was fourteen.” You could feel Leah tense beside you, as she came to the realisation just how serious this was. “I never mentioned it because it’s not been a problem since I’ve joined the team. It started playing up again a few weeks ago, I can handle it.” You were downplaying your wording, trying not to scare your teammates. Leah shook her head, “You’re not handling it though, you literally passed out!” You were shocked with the emotion behind her voice. “Leah, I’m fine.” Leah felt herself getting angry, “No, y/n, you’re not.” She said before she left the room, not wanting to get angry with you while she knew you were struggling.
It stays quiet for a moment, before Alessia speaks up. “I struggled with my weight and my body a lot growing up. I wanted to be skinny, but it ended up making me too weak to play. I learned that for football being strong was more important than my body fitting this image in my mind that society had created.” Kim continued where Alessia left off, “It’s important to give your body the right nutritions, it is for all of us, but especially for a growing body like yours. Skipping meals can harm your body, more than it will do good. We understand that this is a lot, but we really do not want anything like today to happen to you again.” Tears started to form in your eyes. Kim stands up and goes in to hug you, “It’s okay, sweetheart. We’ve got you.” 
Once you calmed down a bit, Kim continued the conversation. They wanted to do everything in their power to help you, because they understood how mentally challenging an eating disorder could be. “We’re going to set up a meeting with the dietitian and nutrition team tomorrow, and get you on a plan that will help you eat in a healthy way, that is based on your body specifically. Alessia is going with you, because her experience will help make sure your best interest is at heart. We are going to be there with you every step of the way. You’re a part of a team, and that means we don’t let anyone go through something alone, okay?” You nodded, “Okay.”
In the hallway Leah is crying into Lia’s arms, after she asked the rest of the team to give you some space today. “She’s acting like nothing is wrong, Wally.” The older girl rubs her hands over her best friend’s back in soothing motions. “I understand, but she needs you Lee. I know you’re angry with her for not telling anyone she’s been struggling, and with yourself for not noticing she was, but let’s focus on the fact that it’s out in the open now, and you can help her.” 
Lia’s words were convincing, so much so that Leah headed back into the room, and asked for a moment alone with you. “Hey kiddo, I’m sorry I ran out. I couldn’t handle my emotions in a way that would be fair to you, so I needed a moment.” You smile at her softly, “It’s fine Lee. I understand, it was big news, and I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner.” Leah steps forward and hugs you to her chest. “Let’s get you home, okay?” You had been living with Leah since you moved to London, probably the reason that you were closest with her. “Okay.”
The next morning Leah drove you to London Colney for your appointment with the dietitian and nutrition team. Alessia was already waiting when you arrived, she greeted you with a hug. “It’s good to see you, kiddo. Are you ready?” You returned the hug. “As I’ll ever be.” 
It was very helpful having the both of them there. Leah for reassuring you, and Alessia to make sure you answered all their questions properly. After an hour of talking with the team, they had set up the basics of the plan for you. In the next couple of days they would get back to you with a more elaborate plan, including meal options and recipes. 
You know that your journey with food and your body weren’t going to be easy, but you knew that you weren’t going to be alone. The team had always been like family to you, and yesterday showed you again that they would love you unconditionally, and that they would be there for you, no matter what. 
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💗 If you enjoyed this fic, please consider liking, commenting, and reblogging! You can also supporting me by leaving a tip 💗
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naturesapphic · 3 months
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could you do a lady dimitrescu x reader, Alcina helps reader with eating disorder recovery ❤️‍🩹
Headcannons of lady dimitrescu helping her partner recover from her eating disorder
Lady dimitrescu x fem!reader
Warnings: talks of eating disorders, hurt/comfort
- you’ve always had trouble with eating ever since you were young
- you always compared yourself to others
- you didn’t like how your body looked and you felt the urge to change it
- you would go hours without eating or drinking anything
- you had a lot of insecurities and didn’t feel like you deserve to be loved
- some time passed and you were diagnosed with anorexia
- you tried counseling and medication which seemed to work a little but you still didn’t want to eat
- you still felt a certain way about your body and how it looked
- you moved from the u.s. to Romania and that’s how you met your curtain wife, lady dimitrescu
- you met alcina when you walked in the village and got attacked by a lycan
- you saw the castle and decided to go to it, hoping that there would be anyone inside that could help you
- you knocked on the door and a maid opened the door and invited you in quietly
- the quiet didn’t last for long until a loud booming voice was heard
- “maid. Who was at the door?” Alcina stated.
- she walked down the stairs and saw your beaten and scratched up figure
- she didn’t know why or how, but she felt instantly drawn to you
- she ordered her other maids to put you in a guest room and for them to nurse you back to health.
- while the maids mainly did help you get better, alcina would always come check in on you to see how you were doing
- you eventually met her daughters and you instantly felt close to them
- the three children absolutely adored you and you felt the same
- when you were getting better, alcina couldn’t help but notice how you would never finish a cup of water or a little plate of food the maids would make for you
- she didn’t think you were being wasteful no, she thought it was much deeper than that
- when you were better and there for a few months, you got extremely close with alcina
- you eventually told her about your eating disorder and she never judged you
- she said that she will always be there for you and that she will always help you in any way she can
- you also told her about your insecurities about your body
- she was sad that you felt that way but never made you feel bad for feeling the way you do
- she makes sure everyday that you feel loved and comfortable inside and out
- whenever you get really insecure she makes love to you and shows you how much she adores your body and you
- after being there for over a year, alcina kept good on her word and you’ve been eating and drinking better everyday
- after some time, alcina proposed to you and later y’all married
- it was the happiest day of your life when you finally got the family you’ve always wanted
- alcina and the girls still help you with your disorder
- alcina helped you get a therapist that you only went to if you truly felt like it
- she made some technics and plans that helps you with food and liquid
- she kept her promise from day one
- of course you have some good days and some bad, some worse than others but you never stopped trying and neither did alcina
- she loves you for you and that will never change
A/n: As a person who’s had anorexia and is still dealing with the aftermath, just know that it does get better, I have mainly good days but I still have my bad days. Just know that y’all are beautiful in your own way and know that if y’all relate to this that I’m sorry and that I love you. I’m always here for y’all <3 I hope to the person that requested this that I turned this into a head-cannons and I’m so sorry that this took so long. Remember that Christmas/winter requests are still open! And remember to stay hydrated and to rest! I love y’all!
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AITA for asking my mom not to talk about her own weight?
it is currently the holidays, and my mom (60f) is very frequently complaining about all the unhealthy food around, how much weight she feels like she’s gaining, and talking about the diets she’s going on starting in January. These conversations have a very fatphobic tilt, and my parents have an awful habit of insulting the weight of strangers they see out in public. I (29x) always tell them off for the latter, but I generally leave her alone about the former because even though I don’t like the way she talks, I don’t know how to deconstruct her entire mindset about weight that leads her to act this way.
However, my little brother (25m) just flew in to Christmas, and he has a diagnosed eating disorder. I am 100% sure that the way my parents have talked about weight our whole lives is what led to this, which my mom denies with the claim that her words don’t apply to us since we’re skinny. In addition, my brother’s mental health has been doing worse lately, to the point where he had to be briefly hospitalized for depression in October.
So 2 days before my brother got here, I pulled my mom aside and told her that I don’t want her to talk about weight, diets, or how amounts of food eaten at all for the weeklong duration of my brother’s stay in case it might trigger him. He did not ask me to do this, I just want to look out for my baby brother. My mom was pissed about this since she thinks it’s unreasonable to police how she talks about herself, considers this sort of thing normal small talk conversation akin with talking about the weather, and it is difficult for her to cut out entirely since she talks about it every single day, especially around the holidays. After an argument, she grudgingly agreed to cut it out until he leaves, but made it clear she thinks I’m in the wrong and that my dad would agree with her.
(Side note: my brother is dating a larger girl, and after I first met her, my mom tried to privately insult her weight to me behind both of their backs, which I very quickly shut down.)
What are these acronyms?
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ashcal99 · 10 months
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Collarbones : Jasper Whitlock Hale II
Chapter Two
"I can see your collarbones and baby I'm scared, Never thought I'd be so unprepared"
Summary: Camila Johnson was only 16 when she was diagnosed with leukemia. By the time she had turned 17, the doctors had tried everything to save her. Her family is close to giving up hope when they hear of a doctor who may be able to help her. The only problem is, he lives on the opposite side of the country. The small family soon decides to move to the small town in Washington, in efforts to prolong her life. In doing so, her life changes forever.
Warnings: Eventual smut (18+ only), mentions of death, depression, descriptions of disease and weight loss, general angst, slow burn, blink and you'll miss it mention of eating disorder
Words: 5.1k
A/N: Please lmk if you'd like to be added to the tag list. Sorry for the delay in posting, I just got back from vacation, so I'm hoping to get back to normal posting soon. THX x
Soundtrack
Previous Chapter
Series Masterlist
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January 25th, 2005
Jasper had stood there for a moment, mind cluttered with thoughts as he tried to make sense of what he had just seen. He had been there completely by chance. Everything had happened so quickly yet almost in slow motion. He had heard the van speeding down the road. Had seen Alice’s face as the vision had played throughout her mind. Had heard Edward yell out in anguish as he saw what Alice had seen as she was seeing it. Next thing he knew, they were in the hospital, trying to warn Carlisle of what had happened. 
In truth, he was a bit angry with Edward. Not as much as Rosalie, but still angry non the less. He understood that it would’ve been bad for everyone in that situation if the van would’ve crushed her. The blood itself would’ve been a huge issue for himself. But Edward saved her and in turn had exposed them all to the girl. In the end, he hoped Edward wouldn’t come to regret his actions. He hoped that they wouldn’t have to give up this life that they had built for themselves in Forks prematurely.
The whole group had been caught up in hushed conversation with Carlisle that he hadn’t even noticed her until the door had shut behind her. Then, all of a sudden, she was there, standing just outside of Carlisle’s office, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. Anxiety radiated from her as she quickly turned, averting her gaze and walked down the hall away from the group. Clearly he had seen something that she hadn’t wanted him to, but what, he wasn’t sure. 
He had a clue of what it could be, but he needed to make sure before he jumped to any conclusions. He needed to talk to Edward, but he knew he would have to wait. He also would have to leave the hospital soon. His concentration was beginning to waver, and as much as he tried to stay as far away from the patient rooms, he could still smell the fresh blood. Alice could see this in his face, so she grabbed his hand and drug his stiff body back out into the parking lot, deciding that the rest of the family would have to find their own way home.
Alice sat in the driver’s seat weaving and winding down the long road that lead to their home. “Are you going to stay silent the whole ride?” She asked, trying the break the tension. 
Jasper let out a huff of air. “Do you know?” He asked, referring to the situation with Camila. It was eating him alive, not knowing. He hadn’t been so stressed in years, and the possibilities running through his mind were burning their way through his brain.
She nodded hesitantly. “I’ve seen it. After she came out of Carlisle’s office I had a vision of it.” She said. 
He looked out of his window to the trees rushing past. He knew from the look on Alice’s face that he was right in his suspicions, and his heart ached with this realization. “She’s sick.” He said simply. Not a question, but a statement. It made sense. This was why she was in Carlisle’s office. That alone meant that it was bad. Most likely terminal.
Alice let out a heavy sigh, knowing that it would be of little use to hide the rest from him now “Leukemia.” She stated simply. It hurt her to see her brother in pain, but this pain was inevitable. She had seen everything play out, and there was no going back now.
The word had stabbed him right in the heart. Suddenly, every little detail made sense. The scent of her blood, the bruises on her arms, her confusing emotions. His head fell into his hands. “Fuck.” He said, mind reeling. Sure, he barely knew the girl, but knowing she was dying hurt, and he was vaguely aware that it shouldn’t hurt as much as it did.
Yes, he knew that she was only human, and even if she wanted to be friends, in the end she would leave and he would be left alone. But knowing she was dying was like he had been shot in the chest. He knew that there was no physical aliment that was causing it, but the pain in his heart felt so real in that moment.
He knew it would do little to help knowing, but he had to ask. “How long?” He murmured.
“Less than a year.” She answered stiffly, trying her best not to be too specific, not wanting to upset him further. “But that could change.” She said quickly. He looked up at her, hurt crossing his features. He knew that she didn’t mean it in a hurtful way, but he couldn’t bring himself to think of that future. He couldn’t hope for that. “I’ve seen that too. You loving her. Her loving you. It could work out, you know.” She reasoned.
Jasper scoffed frustratedly. The vampire next to him was his best friend. He would’ve thought that she would’ve known him better than that. “Alice. I’m not going to single handedly doom her to eternal damnation.” He said. It hurt immensely to think about that. To think about a future with her. He selfishly wanted that future, but he also knew that it wasn’t the easy way out for Camila. 
It would complicate everything for her, and he didn’t know if she would willingly make that gamble. She would lose her friends. Her family. Not only this, but she would have to live through knowing that they would mourn her death. Because that would be the only way. To let everyone think that she had died. So he shut that thought down, pushing that small glimpse of hope out of him mind.
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January 26th, 2005
Camila was thankful that Jasper had left by the time she had finished in the bathroom, relieved to avoid him for just a bit, to be able to figure out what she was going to tell him. In truth, she hadn’t come up with any excuses, and deep down she knew that she would end up begging him to keep her secret to himself by the end of it. 
Nerves settled in her chest as her mother’s mini van pulled up to the front of the school. Deep breaths. It would all be okay. She stepped out of the vehicle, sucking in a breath of cold air. As she made her way to the building, carefully avoiding the sheets of ice on the ground, all of a sudden, she felt a cold hand on the small of her back. Her feet slipped out from underneath her as the hand caught her mid fall.
She looked up, seeing the face of the one person she had been actively trying to avoid. Of course, just her luck. “Jesus. You scared me.” She said breathlessly.
Jasper looked at her, a playful smirk adorning his face. “Actually, my name is Jasper, darlin’.” He joked. There was that damn name again. That deep southern drawl that sent heat straight to her cheeks. 
Despite his joking, he was in a very serious mood. He was determined to have this conversation, not wanting to delay it any further. He had thought about it all night, and didn’t want to wait any longer. “Do you want to skip with me today?” He asked.
Camila looked over to him, anxious, but knowing that it was best to get this conversation over with and out of the way. She nodded lightly, allowing him to lead her back to his own car. 
They drove in silence, Camila looking out of the passenger window at the greenery blurring past. He had promised to go and buy her breakfast, wanting to ease her anxiety as much as he could. So they weaved their way through the small town to the only diner open at that time.
The tension was thick in the air between them as the car pulled in front of the small cafe. The anxiety radiating from her was beginning to put Jasper on edge as well, so as soon as the car was in park, he jumped out, rushing to her side to open the door for her. Silently, they made their way into the restaurant, sitting in at a small table in a far corner in attempts to find some sense of privacy.
They sat there for a moment, quiet, Camila fidgeting with her rings to distract herself. Jasper’s mind whirled with thoughts. He had so much time to think about what he would say to her, but now that she was sat there in front of him, he was lost for words. He didn’t know where to begin, so he decided to jump straight to the point. “So…” He trailed off awkwardly, Camila’s eyes refusing to meet his own. “You’re sick.” 
Camila finally looked up at him, her face void of any emotions. He had said it as a statement, not a question. She didn’t know if it was better of worse, him knowing already, but either way, he had figured it out and this was what she would be left to deal with. “It’s pretty pathetic. I couldn’t even keep that a secret for a week.” She said scoffing, looking down at her hands once again
Jasper’s eyebrows threaded together in confusion. “Why exactly did you want to keep that a secret?” He asked, trying to not be rude, but curiosity winning the fight.
Sadness began to spread from where she was seated, however, the blank expression remained. “People change when they know you’re dying.” She said simply, tears beginning to well in her eyes. “I’m sick of the sympathy, because that’s all they’ll give me.” She said, her eyes dropping back to the pealing lamination of the cafe’s menu. 
“I just want a normal life. Nothing spectacular, just normal, but that clearly isn’t in the cards for me anymore. Given the lack of longevity of my life, why would I want to spend the small remainder of it smothered by the pity of others? That’s far from normal, it’s fucking suffocating.” She rambled sniffling slightly as she shook the thoughts from her head. 
She refused to cry in front of him. She didn’t want to cry anymore. “Sorry.” She muttered, knowing it wasn’t fair to pour all of that out to him. But he had asked, so it was okay, right?
He sat there for a moment, debating whether or not he should manipulate her emotions. He hated the sight of her upset. He hated feeling the pain that she was feeling. Knowing how things that other people had put her through had left her hurting so bad. “Well, your secret is safe with me… and my family I guess.”  He said.
She looked over to him, not convinced of his words. “I promise, okay?…Look, we have our own secrets and we know first hand how important is to keep them.” He reassured. He knew it probably wasn’t the wisest thing to elude to their supernatural tendencies, but he really didn’t care anymore. If she found out, she found out. It made it that much easier to give her the option to live later on. If you could even call it living. 
Camila didn’t care to focus on what their secret could possibly be in that moment. She only cared about his promise and the sincerity in his voice. “Thanks.” She muttered softly, looking deep into his amber eyes. 
Jasper smiled gently. “It was never my secret to tell, Darlin’.” He said.
She let out a groan, burring her face in her hands as heat began to creep up her neck. “You and that damn word.” She chided.
He laughed lightly. “What? You don’t like it?” He asked teasingly, knowing from looking at her bright red cheeks that she did in fact like it. He had been so distracted from her reaction to his words that he hadn’t even noticed the waitress that was walking over to their table until she was only a few steps away.  He looked up, giving a small smile to the woman before turning his attention back to the blushing girl in front of him. 
The woman cleared her throat. “What can I get for you two?” She asked politely, as the burn in his throat intensified from her close proximity.
Vaguely, he was aware of Camila speaking, giving her order to the woman. His focus was weaning as he tried to concentrate on controlling his thirst. Only when Camila called his name did he shake away his thoughts. “Sorry, what?” He asked.
“What can I get you, sweetie?” The woman asked lightly. 
Jasper gulped, thinking things through quickly. Did he want to even try to put up a front of portraying a human? Alice’s words rang through his head. ‘Less than a year.’ She had said.And he decided, fuck it. He would be his most authentic self, and she would find out in her own time. “Nothing for me, thanks.” He answered politely.
His eyes landed back on Camila as the waitress let them know that she would put in her order, her footsteps slowly fading away. “You’re not getting anything?” Camila asked expectantly, feeling a bit awkward that she would be the only one eating. 
He smiled at her, biting back the urge to tell her his normal lies. “I don’t really eat.” He said, his eyes meeting hers.
She nodded slowly, she of course understood. After being diagnosed she had lost the majority of her appetite, not looking forward to the nausea that would follow after a large meal. However, the look of mischief in his eyes said more. Like she was missing the point of his words. Like there was some kind of inside joke and she found herself sinking deeper and deeper into his eyes. Then it hit her. “Your eyes.” She said suddenly. “They’re really dark. They were almost gold before.” 
He clenched his jaw slightly, pushing himself to not look away from her. The waitress’ blood had no doubt caused his eyes to darken in hunger, and he hoped it wouldn’t scare her away. But still, he pushed on, knowing that the more truth that he offered her the faster she would piece the puzzle together. The more time they would have together. No hiding. “They do that.” He stated. 
Camila sent him a small smile. Yet again there was that little voice in the back of her head, telling her that there was something more to his words. But she wouldn’t question it. Not today. Not when she was too busy being relieved that he had promised to keep her secret. “Thanks for the food.” She said, smile still lingering on her lips.
Jasper couldn’t help but beam back at her, only hoping that the sight of his teeth wouldn’t scare her away like he knew that they should. “Of course, Darlin'. Need to make sure you’re fed.” He said, smirking slightly as he heard the sputtering of her heart at that ‘damn word’ again. Yeah she definitely liked it. “And I thought it may help with the mental distress of this whole conversation.” He admitted.
She bit her lip bashfully at his words. Here she was thinking that was so skilled at hiding her emotions when apparently she had been wearing them on her sleeve the entire time. “So it was that obvious, huh?”
He snickered lightly. “The crippling anxiety? Yeah. I guess I’m just good at reading people, you could say.” He smirked, looking down from her eyes momentarily as he shifted slightly in his seat. It was going to take some getting used to, being so open about himself around a human when he was used to being closed off completely.
“Like an empath.”
His eyes shot back up to her as his mind reeled at her words. He wasn’t sure if she was serious or joking, but either way, he knew it was okay. The end goal was for her to know, so there was no use in panicking at what she had said. He swallowed thickly, pushing a smile back on his face. “Yeah… exactly like that.” 
——————
Unfortunately, as much as she wished that she could spend the whole day alone with Jasper, Camila knew that they would have to return to the school as they would be taking a biology field trip during the second half of the day. After a few hours of hogging the small table all to themselves, laughing, smiling, and just overall enjoying each other’s company, they knew it was time to leave, so they reluctantly returned to the car. 
She hadn’t exactly realized how long they had been gone until they pulled into the school parking lot, seeing the two school busses already parked in front. Students swarmed the busses as they murmured excitedly. Not for the field trip itself, but for the opportunity to miss the rest of their classes for the day. Parking, Camila quickly stepped out of the vehicle, trying to ignore the stares of others around them as they realized the two had been together off campus just minutes before.
Jasper fell in stride by her side as they joined the rest of the group. “Make sure I get your permission slips.” Mr Molina yelled over the crowd of students, ushering them onto the buses. Glancing over and seeing Alice watching expectantly, Jasper lead Camila over to her, knowing that she had expected him to introduce her officially to the human.
“Camila, this is my sister. She wanted to meet you officially.” He said, slightly agitated that his time alone with her had come to an end. 
Alice smiled brightly at the girl. “Hi, I’m Alice.” She said cheerfully as she pulled the girl in for a hug. Camila tried to hold back her shock as she slowly lifted her arms to reciprocate her hug. She wasn’t uncomfortable, in fact the hug was actually quite nice, but still a bit unexpected. To Camila’s surprise, the girls skin held no warmth, the coolness contracting nicely with her feverish body.
Jasper rolled his eyes at his adopted sister. “Alice.” He chided, slightly annoyed the display in front of him. He knew he had nothing to worry about when it came to Alice, but it still made him oddly jealous. “You’re going to smother her.” He mumbled irritatedly. He of course knew what Alice was doing. She had no doubt seen what he had been not so subtly trying to hint at and this hug was her way of helping him. Showing off the lack of warmth in her touch would be just another clue to the puzzle.
The immortal girl pulled away from the embrace finally, blinding smile still present. “Don’t worry Jazz, I can already see we’re going to be great friends.” She said cheerfully. “Now I’m going to go grab a seat by Edward, I’ll see you two there.” She said sending the two a wink before rushing off onto the bus.
Jasper sighed, turning to face the frail girl next to him. “Sorry about her she gets a bit… excited.” He said.
“It’s okay, she’s cute.” Camila said, snickering lightly. She really didn’t mind, even if the whole situation still weirded her out a bit. Alice was clearly a very sweet and genuine person, and if she was willing to be her friend, even knowing that Camila would die sooner rather than later, she would gladly grasp at that opportunity. 
She had plenty of friends in the past leave her because of her illness. The happiness had been sucked out of their friendships, the only thing the were able to focus on being her cancer. They treated her as if she couldn’t enjoy what little bit of her life she had left just because she knew it was ending. She didn’t want the constant sympathy anymore, the constant sadness and if Alice was willing to put herself in that situation knowingly, she could tell that they would become great friends. 
Jasper smiled, feeling her happiness and comfort. He was glad to see that she hadn’t become overwhelmed, although he should’ve known better than to doubt Alice. He should’ve known that she would say the exact right words. She always did. The smile didn’t waver from his face as he lead Camila onto the bus.  
——————
January 28th, 2005
The end of Camila’s first week had finally arrived. Exhaustion began to set in, luck being in store as lunch had finally arrived. Camila sat there at her usual table, trying to muster the strength and appetite to eat her food that was beginning to grow cold. Twirling the thin strands of pasta around her fork, she brought the bite to mouth and began to chew the unsavory food. Grimacing slightly, she resisted the urge to spit the mushed up pasta out. She needed the nutrients, she knew this, but that didn’t make it any easier to actually eat the food. 
Looking up from her tray, her eyes connected with Jasper’s. He gave her a small wave, the corners of his lips lifting slightly. The two hadn’t talked much since the impromptu cafe trip a few days previous, having been busy with their classes. She had seen him in calculus, as usual, but of course as always, by the end of the school day she was worn out and just ready for sleep. 
“Camila?” A voice said, abruptly breaking her gaze away from those Amber eyes. She looked to the owner expectantly, waiting for them to continue. “La Push, baby. You in?” Eric asked.
Her eyebrows quirked in question, not at all understanding what he was getting at. She looked over to Bella wondering if she understood. She looked just as confused. “Should I know what that means?” Bella asked Camila.
She laughed lightly, glad to see that she wasn’t the only one confused. “Your guess is as good as mine.” She answered, looking back to the boy for an explanation. 
“La Push beach, down on the Quileute rez. We’re all going tomorrow afternoon. Big swell coming in.” Mike explained. 
Eric beamed a bright smile. “And I don’t just surf the internet.” He joked lamely. Camila snickered, shaking her head in shame at the joke. 
Jessica scoffed. “Eric, you stood up once. On a foam board.” She clarified, rolling her eyes. 
“There’s whale watching, too. Come with.” Angela said, trying to convince the two girls to accompany the group on their trip. 
Eric nudged Camila on the shoulder, smile unwavering. “La Push, baby.” He said again.
Bella let out a groan. “I’ll go if you stop saying that.” She bargained, laughing lightly.
Eric smiled in success, turning back to Camila. “What about you Cam?” He asked.
Camila lulled it over in her mind. She knew that it probably wasn’t the best idea to go, considering that it was the middle of the winter in Washington, and most likely, her parents wouldn’t let her go even if she wanted to. She shook her head, an apologetic look on her face. “Sorry, I should probably stay home. I’ve got a bunch of homework to finish.” She lied, trying her best to sound believable.
Eric’s smile dropped at her words, a frown replacing it. “Awww, can’t you just do your homework later?” He pushed. She shook her head in response, giving an apologetic smile, slightly annoyed that he wouldn’t just take no for an answer.
Lunch dragged on as she slowly ate away at her food. The daily trip to the cafeteria was like a blessing and curse, she had thought. While it was great to get a brief break from the physical and mental exertion of the day, it also made it that much harder to seem normal to everyone else around her. Any other time, she would push off eating, usually having the best luck with taking supplement pills and drinking protein shakes, those making her the least nauseas. However, she knew that would look odd to her new friends. If she stuck to only those options, it would be only a matter of time before they noticed something was up. With her luck, they would think she had an eating disorder or something.
Finally, the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. She pulled herself to a stand, as she grabbed her picked over food tray. She pushed her aching muscles forwards the cafeteria doors, dumping her tray into one of the awaiting trash cans when a tall dark silhouette rushed to her side. 
“Camila.” Tyler greeted, slinging an arm around her shoulders. The action caused pain to shoot down her spine and she had to bite her tongue in an attempt to stop herself from wincing. Tyler had made a point that week to be as friendly as possible, and even though more than just the pain of his action was making her uncomfortable, she didn’t want to come off rude. 
“Tyler.” She greeted back, trying her best to keep the grimace off of her face.  He was just being nice and friendly, that was all. 
“I was wondering.” He started, pausing for what she could only imagine was dramatic effect. “Prom?” He asked somewhat randomly, a wide grin spreading across his face. 
Camila’s mind reeled. Was that really how he was going to ask? She wouldn’t have said yes anyway, not being interested in going to prom at all, much less with Tyler Crowley, but that really was a terrible way of asking. She got along with him well, sure, but she didn’t want to date him. 
“Can’t.” She said, voice filled with fake regret. She tried to quickly come up with an excuse for her denial. She definitely couldn’t use homework again. “I… already have plans with someone. Not prom related.” She said awkwardly. 
The smile dropped from his face, disappointment replacing it, clear as day. “With who? You can’t reschedule? I mean it’s prom.” He tried to reason. 
Fuck. She hadn’t thought that far ahead. Clearly, she wasn’t very good at coming up with excuses and clearly, these boys weren’t good at just taking no for an answer. A normal person would’ve just taken the rejection and left, but of course Tyler and Eric had to be persistent. She thought quickly of someone who she could explain the whole situation to the easiest. “Jasper. Do you know him?” She asked casually. Surely Jasper would understand why she had added him in on her scheme, especially since he had seemed so respectful in keeping her secret in tact previously. 
Tyler’s eyes widened slightly. “Jasper Hale? Yeah I know of him.” He said incredulously. What was she doing with that weirdo? He had seen the two together before the biology field trip, but had thought it was some weird fluke, but now she was scheduling dates with him? 
——————
“I didn’t know we had plans for prom night.” Jasper said casually once she had sat herself down at their shared table in calculus later that day.
She groaned at his words. How had he possibly heard? Did Tyler talk to him? Surely not. She knew the majority of the school would never willingly put themselves in a conversation with anyone from the family, since they usually seemed very intimidating. So that only left him hearing the conversation, and there was no way that had happened. She had seen him across the room, much too far away, when Tyler had came up to her. Maybe he had some kind of super hearing?
She pushed the rushing thoughts aside, trying not to get too caught up in the mystery. “Sorry.” She murmured. “I just needed an excuse out.” She reasoned. Jasper of course knew the reason that she had came up with the ‘date’ in the first place, but he did find himself slightly disappointed that she did not, in fact, want to go on a date with the ‘Cullen weirdo’. 
“It’s okay.” He reassured her, because it was okay. He knew that she didn’t mean it maliciously, just knowing that he knew the truth of why she couldn’t go. “Out of curiosity though, is it just because of you know what that you said no? Or would you have said yes otherwise?” He asked. 
He couldn’t help himself from asking. The question had been racing through his mind since lunch and he knew it was because of jealousy. That much was obvious, hell, he was jealous when Alice hugged her. However, he also knew that he had no right to be jealous. She in no way belonged to him, even if Alice had seen them together as mates. In reality, she didn’t owe him anything, and as much as it pained him to watch, if that’s how she wanted to spend the remainder of her life, he knew he would support her through it every step of the way.
Camila blushed lightly in embarrassment, causing the burn in his throat to intensify slightly. “Well, more than that, I guess.” She said. “Three reasons really. One, you know what. Two, he asked me in a terrible way and I’m not at all interested anyway. Three, no dating for me. It’s one of few rules I have for myself.” She murmured lowly, trying to keep her voice down so others wouldn’t hear her. 
His heart, if it had still been beating, would’ve leapt at the news that she didn’t not like Tyler in that way. However, almost immediately after, his chest ached for her. He could feel her sadness with the confession and it pained him to realize that she was afraid of growing too close to someone. He wanted to press the topic, to sooth her discomfort, but he knew that now was not the right time. 
Jasper sat up a bit straighter in his chair, an idea coming to mind. “Would you maybe want to hang out tomorrow? We could go somewhere or stay in, whatever you want.” He suggested, nerves filling his chest once more. 
As Camila sat there, mulling the invite over in her mind, she took note that the anxiety she had felt when invited to the beach, was nowhere to be seen. Jasper made her comfortable, and she wasn’t sure if that was because of him knowing her secret, or something else entirely. 
What she did know, is that she definitely wanted to get to know him more. To figure out what made him so different from the rest. To piece together all of the confusing details that he had shared with her.
She sucked in a breath and spoke. “I’d love to.”
Next Chapter
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red-moon-at-night · 9 months
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Let's talk a little bit about Mahiru's boyfriend
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This post is alternatively titled "Mahiru's Boyfriend Probably Had An Eating Disorder And I Am Very Sad About It So Now You Get To Be Sad About It With Me" but that felt a bit much in the bold title font so I'm trying to tone this down at least a little bit :')
So I was reading this wonderful post earlier (you should too btw it has a LOT of interesting information), and as I was going through the food section something clicked in my brain. Pieces of information that were drifting aimlessly before quickly came together for me and I almost wish they hadn’t because oh boy is it depressing.
Now, nothing I’m about to say here is explicitly stated - but I do think it is strongly insinuated, through the MVs of both ‘This Is How To Be In Love With You’ (TIHTBILWY what an acronym wow) and ‘I Love You’. I am aware that the latter video has a lot of metaphorical imagery, but I still think some of this imagery can be taken in a literal sense to reinforce ideas established in TIHTBILWY.
TW/Trigger Warnings: discussion of eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, etc.), discussion of suicide and suicidal thoughts. Please take these into consideration and stay safe!
credit to iaobug’s transcribed images from ‘This Is How To Be In Love With You’ used below btw!
Now I’ve always had an inkling this could be possible, but I didn’t realise until recently there was this much evidence supporting a little idea of mine dancing around in my head.
But First, Some Quick Definitions and Criteria
First things first, I think we should briefly clarify what an eating disorder is and what eating disorder I think Mahiru’s boyfriend most likely had.
Here are some definitions:
Eating disorders are behavioral conditions characterized by severe and persistent disturbance in eating behaviors and associated distressing thoughts and emotions. They can be very serious conditions affecting physical, psychological and social function. (source)
An eating disorder is a mental health condition where you use the control of food to cope with feelings and other situations. (source)
And here are some brief introductions to several types of eating disorders:
The most common eating disorders are:
anorexia nervosa – trying to control your weight by not eating enough food, exercising too much, or doing both bulimia – losing control over how much you eat and then taking drastic action to not put on weight binge eating disorder (BED) – eating large portions of food until you feel uncomfortably full
Other specified feeding or eating disorder (OSFED) – A person may have an OSFED if their symptoms do not exactly fit the expected symptoms for any specific eating disorders.
(source)
Okay, so we have some basic information down, cool! This is not fully comprehensive but it will do for the purposes of this segment.
So what eating disorder do I believe Mahiru’s boyfriend had? 
I’m not sure! The information we have is not conclusive enough for me to confidently pick an option. What I will say is most likely, and most common, is OSFED and the concept of the eating disorder cycle. People’s symptoms will often overlap with multiple diagnoses, or shift from one mode of behaviour (e.g. the restrictive eating behaviours found in anorexia) to another (e.g. binge eating and following compensatory behaviours found in bulimia).
Things are often not as clear-cut or black and white as we’d like to imagine.
Let’s move onto looking at the MVs, shall we?
This first music video has a wealth of information hidden in its cute magazine-style annotations and imagery - information that, when you look a little closer and consider the bigger picture, raises all the alarm bells in my mind.
Parts of ‘This Is How To Be In Love With You’ That Make Me Pause In Concern, In Chronological Order:
The Bread
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Let's start off with a not very obvious one.
One of the first things we learn about Mahiru’s soon-to-be-boyfriend (which by the way this is literally the 2nd time he’s mentioned) is ‘wow he buys a lot of bread’. Insignificant on its own, I know, but consider this through my lens if you will: my man has bought 5 whole baguettes from a bakery. Not 2 or 3, but 5. Actually, on closer inspection there's even more bread of a different type at the bottom of that bag too. These aren’t store-bought, they’re fresh and will probably go stale in a few days. Pray tell, if the man is not eating baguette for breakfast lunch and dinner over the course of 72 hours... why did he buy so much fucking bread?
What comes to mind when I see this is binge eating. Bread is one of the most common binge foods out there; anything with high carbohydrates or high fat content, in fact, often due to its “unhealthy” or “forbidden” nature.
We'll just have a quick look at Mahiru's comment again:
"I thought to buy the same bread he did, but this is far too much for me to eat... ><
I forgot to ask how many calories there are..."
If it hasn't been established by now with the MV's aesthetic, Mahiru cares about her appearance. A lot. Her self-image and beauty directly ties into looking 'good' enough for others, so she can find the love of her life and please him with her looks.
If Mahiru is also calorie counting, this does not bode well for their relationship. I should probably speak in past tense, actually... Mahiru's own self-image behaviours made her blind to her boyfriend's self-image behaviours. There we go.
But I'm getting ahead of myself here.
So, We have an indication of binge eating behaviours. Remind me again what comes after binging?
The Jogging Hobby
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Oh, that’s right - purging.
Excessive exercise is an indirect method of purging/compensatory behaviour found in bulimia. A more commonly known purging method is self-induced vomiting, but that's certainly not the only way to counteract excess calories. 
So the jogging, while harmless in isolation, is starting to paint an ever-so-slightly worrying picture.
Again, let's take a look at Mahiru's comment:
"I had a chance to chat with him today, and he mentioned his hobby was jogging. ... I haven't exercised this much in ages... I'm totally exhausted..." 
The only hobby (not hobbies but hobby, singular) that we learn the boyfriend has is this. Sure, there's one movie that he also likes... but that's it. There's not much else to him! So when the two most prevalent ideas attached to this guy are 'food' (in excess) and 'exercise' (in excess)... you can see where I'm going with this.
And by the way, the post I linked at the very beginning? Well, they worked out the location of where this running loop is, and judging by Mahiru’s position and direction it would suggest she’s already jogged about 5km and beginning another loop. So we’re looking at a jog ranging from 5-10km (or more)...
The Alcohol
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Okay, here's a quick pop quiz question for you. Who is more likely to get drunk on the same volume of alcohol: a 5"1 woman, or an average height (5"7 in Japan) man?
In theory, it should be the 5"7 man on the basis of his height and size. Alcohol tolerance goes up the bigger you are. 
So why is it that the boyfriend ended up blackout drunk, and Mahiru... didn't?
Let’s take a look at the comment:
“My first date at a bar, how heartpounding!
Here is where I learned he’s the biggest lightweight I’ve ever met! ...or maybe I’m just really good at holding alcohol?
Whatever the case, blackout drunk him is so cute!”
Three possible options:
Mahiru really can 'hold her liquor'. Judging by her sheltered home life and general lack of adult life experience though, I'm gonna press x to doubt here sorry mappi.
The boyfriend drunk more alcohol than Mahiru. Also unlikely, as she calls him a 'lightweight' and I think she would've highlighted this in her comment.
He drank on an empty stomach. Alcohol absorbs way faster if you haven't had anything to eat beforehand. This, I think is the most likely scenario.
Here's a little more on the subject that I found interesting:
You absorb 20 per cent of alcohol into your bloodstream through your stomach and the rest into your bloodstream through your small intestine.
Drinking a small amount of alcohol stimulates your appetite because it increases the flow of stomach juices. A large amount of alcohol dulls your appetite and can cause malnutrition. (source)
What have we learnt so far?
So we’ve established some concerning behaviours here.
He eats in excess
He exercises in excess
He drinks in excess (on an empty stomach)
I’m actually going to move onto material from the ‘I Love You’ MV, but intertwine it with some of the remaining points from TIHTBILWY. 
At this point the relationship has progressed, we’re moving into winter which brings with it the holiday season! Yay! Except not yay, because things are starting to look really bad for Mahiru’s boyfriend. We've gone from this:
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To this:
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The carousel was fine at first but now it’s taking its toll on him. Both of them have tattered clothes but Mahiru looks optimistic, whilst the boyfriend looks very distraught. His cheekbones are visible and overall he looks a lot less healthy. I guess this is a good time to point out how distinct and visible his collarbone has been this entire time by the way? He’s even bonier than before. Not great.
A lot of events occur at this time of year, such as Christmas (celebrated between couples in Japan as more of a lovers holiday) and new years. What happens a lot during that period of time? Food. Lots of it. This point in the year is not ideal for someone suffering from a worsening eating disorder. This is a period of time which someone would want to move very quickly from because they can’t see the end of it.
I think it’s time to read Mahiru’s comment from day 15:
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“Happy new years! To celebrate, we went to a shrine.
Predictably, I already have my wish in mind.
May we stay like this until the end of time.
May nobody stand in my way”
She, on the other hand, is very happy for things to remain as they are.
Day 16 - AKA, Oh No Things Have Gone Terribly Wrong
This is where the narrative hits its climax and everything starts to snowball.
Now, we reach this scene where the boyfriend stops walking and breaks down. He kneels on the ground, digs his nails into it, and pleads for... something. Help? An intervention? A stop to this carousel that’s doing him no good and only making his health (physical and mental) worse?
He never speaks. It is a silent plea.
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One that Mahiru misses.
Saying I love you but doing what I did, I know I have no right, crossed and covered in sin
My love, it scored an own goal, destroyed my love and me with its weight
Tell me, oh tell me why, can’t I just do it right
What did you do, Mahiru?
I believe that this scene and response:
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Is directly parallel to this event:
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As in, they’re the same thing. 
One more comment to read:
He’ll be in for a big, delicious surprise once he gets home!
I’ve made SO many notes about his favorite foods, and practiced my butt off!
I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he sees it all.
Her love - her surprise buffet to cheer him up - scored an own goal, so to speak.
I don’t think I need to say much about this picture, or this scene. She’s giving him excess but that excess is literally driving him over the edge. The nuance is lost between them, and they both need different things from each other and they’re not getting it. Cake to rats, rats to cake.
They’re back on the carousel, spinning around and around with things never changing, no end in sight.
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I want to end on this frame of the MV. You see the pole behind the boyfriend? It’s reminding me of rope, and of a certain visual at the end of the video. The juxtaposition of Mahiru forcing her ‘love’ onto him, and of suicidal ideation being the only way off this ride and his problems.
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0nlythrowharrybeaux · 10 months
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Hey :) this is a bit if a sensitive topic… but i got an idea for a request and i don’t know if you’d be willing to write it? I’ve been struggling with anorexia for a very long time and i’ve been thinking what if y/n was in the love band and she has an ed and body image issues and you know the outfit the band’s always wearing? For me personally, it’d be so triggering to wear because i know i’d feel so fat wearing it (don’t know why tbh)…Anyway, what if she hasn’t really told anyone about her struggle (maybe they saw signs but don’t know for sure) and she’d agreed to wear the outfit but then before a show she has a huge panic attack and Harry finds her crying backstage…
And also like i just want to say that there’s nothing wrong with being bigger and that "fat" is not a feeling but i just can’t help my brain 😣
Sorry for the long ask.. and I also hope you’ll feel better!!🙂
Hello friend! First off, thank you for sending this request and for trusting me and this online space to share your struggles. That can be really challenging, especially on the internet where you don't know how people will take things or react sometimes. Especially with eating disorders, there's so much guilt and shame that comes with this kind of mental illness to begin with and it can be a hard thing to admit to as well.
I will also share with you anon, that I've struggled with an ED for many years and was finally diagnosed with EDNOS in 2016. EDNOS stands for eating disorder not otherwise specified and you can receive that diagnosis for many reasons. I won't elaborate on my case in this post (I don't mind talking about it anymore so if ppl have questions you can ask), but anyway.... all this to say that I totally understand your struggle. And lately, I've been struggling to not fall back into those harmful ways after some comments my mom made a few weeks ago. It's been a tough few weeks for me for many reasons. But anyway, thank you so much again, for sending this request. Writing this is definitely going to be cathartic and therapeutic for me as well and I hope that it is for you too and anyone who struggles this way.
LAST THING! If you or anyone you know struggles with an eating disorder or shows concerning disordered eating patterns, please consider getting help. Some resources are linked HERE including helpline contact info.
And of course, the content below can be triggering for people who struggle with any E.D.
This was quite literally your dream come to life. You had been asked by Harry himself to join the Love Band in Ny-Oh's place for the final leg of Love On Tour. This all seemed insane and unreal as you thought about how you'd just met him around 2018. You'd been brought in as a session musician for Harry's last 2 albums and started a nice little friendship with him. But you didn't know that he considered you enough of a friend to ask you to join his live ensemble. Sure, you talked regularly enough and had graduated into hugs over fist bumps during the making of Harry's House, but still...it just seemed so insane. You were excited though, getting to see him perform every night knowing how hard he worked to make this music...it was like a full circle moment.
There'd been plenty you'd done in preparation for your travels. Including getting your measurements taken for the little love minion jumpsuits you'd be wearing every night. None of that really seemed to trigger you or your concerns over your weight and body image. You'd been doing so well, you'd been managing your eating disorder well the last few years without any major setbacks and you were proud that you were healthy enough to do this. Proud that you felt comfortable accepting this gig and knowing that you had the stamina and health to make it through the entire leg of the tour. It was huge! But none of that really seemed to matter when you got a look at your uniform hung up just a few inches away from you and felt this sudden rush of anxiety crawling through your body. Why did it look like it'd be so tight on you? The material obviously wasn't too stretchy so how was this supposed to fit on you? You weren't exactly sure what about the look of it suddenly had you feeling this way, but all you knew was that you didn't feel good about it.
The logical part of your brain reminded you that you got fitted for this - it was custom made to your measurements. And you tried to keep that in mind, but you soon realized that you had been fitted for this about four months ago. Maybe you'd gained tons of weight? Your days of obsessively weighing yourself were past you, so you had no idea if you had or hadn't. You had body dysmorphia so your mind wouldn't know the difference. And it was maddening to you that you had been feeling OK about yourself until you'd entered the little temporary changing room and saw the outfit on the hanger. Your heart started to beat a bit faster as your anxiety started to grow.
"30 minutes to show time!" you heard someone call as they walked down the corridor and then they shouted the same warning into the large dressing room a few of you shared and you just exhaled sharply and decided so just ignore this feeling and suck it up. If you didn't wear this what would you wear? You had no choice, you just had to get over it.
However, now that something about this outfit had triggered the obsessive and intrusive thoughts about your body image you started to feel uncomfortable looking at your reflection. You tried to avoid looking at yourself right now because you knew that you'd see things that weren't accurate. You tried to slow down your breathing as you turned away from the mirror in there and folded up your clothes before turning back around and looking at the outfit once again before taking it off the hanger. It felt suspenseful to undo all of the little buttons lining the seam to join the two sides together. But soon you were pulling it off the hanger and getting your legs into it and doing up the buttons, avoiding the mirror again until it was fully on so that you wouldn't freak out before you fully were dressed. Of course, you had no issues with getting it on, it felt just fine, a little loose if anything. But when you looked up the feeling of the fit didn't really matter. You had no idea if it was the cinched in waist that felt restrictive even if you had some wiggle room. Or maybe it was the way the fabric bulged a bit at your stomach and made you feel like you were carrying a lot more weight there than you realized before? But as you turned to the side to see how you looked from that angle your frown deepened as your fears rose tot he surface. It looked a little big on you and that somehow made you feel even worse because it wasn't like flattering/comfy baggy. This outfit somehow accentuated just how thin you actually were and then a new fear came into your brain: They're going to know I'm anorexic.
You felt that you did well enough to keep your eating disorder speculations at bay. People closest to you knew, but you were very private about it because like any illness, there is sometimes an element of shame involved. It wasn't something you advertised, especially as you recovered! But most people just knew you were into health and wellness, but they didn't know the dark side of it; that you struggled with obsessing over quantities and ingredients and portions because you were terrified to look bigger than you were, terrified to gain weight, terrified of feeling fat. You couldn't tell anyone why you felt that way, but you just did! And sure, you were a lot better now than you were years ago, but you had just been massively triggered that you looked sickly and that, that would arise suspicions of your health. The fans might start to say things and ask questions and if they noticed other people would too...the crew, the rest of the band...Harry...
As you stared at yourself for a bit more your eyes started to tear up and you silently fanned at your eyes to try and dissipate the tears, but your vision was only getting more and more blurry. You just needed some fresh air to calm down. You peeked out and saw that you were alone in the dressing room so you rushed out before anyone could stop you and you headed out back behind the stage. They were in the middle of changing the setup after the openers so the crew and roadies were closer to the structure helping change things out and unloading. You had the space and privacy to pace around and let your tears fall. But the audience was so loud...there would be so many people and they would look at you and see you in this outfit and just know that something was wrong with you. Obviously they would be scrutinizing you since you were the new person! And suddenly everything just built up inside of you and you started to panic.
You found a place to sit down when you felt your breathing catch in your throat. This couldn't be happening.... you were just minutes before the show! But you were hyperventilating now as your tears cascaded down your cheeks. You felt like you were going to crumble apart. This was a huge mistake... you should've said no...you weren't ready for this. There was no way you could do this. You were sat off to the side as you sobbed and tried everything you could to calm down and get through this panic attack so you didn't notice Harry's car pulling up across from you until you heard the stadium cheering loudly and when you glanced up you saw Harry wave quickly before he headed backstage. You didn't want anyone to see you like this so you stood up and went to hide behind one of the trailers, but you didn't notice that he'd seen you rush off.
********
"Y/N!" Harry called after you but you didn't seem to hear him and he frowned a bit. He could've sworn you were crying...maybe you just got really nervous or maybe it just hit you now that you were on tour. It could be exciting but nerve-racking. So he decided to just check on you and maybe give you a little pep-talk. "Hey, I'll be right in, just gonna make sure she's OK." Harry said to Tommy and Brad.
"I've got it, H. You should really go get changed. You're on in 15." Tommy advised.
"It'll be quick. I'm sure she's just a little nervous." Harry said and they sighed as he jogged off to where you'd taken off. When he rounded the corner to where the trailers were he immediately frowned when he saw you gasping for air, choking on your tears as you sobbed uncontrollably. "Y/N, oh my god." he said as he hurried over to you.
You felt mortified as he rushed up to you and reached for your hands. You started to cry harder because this was so fucked up. You felt so stupid and ridiculous for crying over an outfit, but you just felt so awful. Worse than you had in a long time and it was scary to be triggered so intensely. When he wrapped you up in a big hug you started to calm down. His voice and touch and scent helped to ground you a bit, enough to help you breathe properly.
"What's the matter?" he asked you softly as you continued crying. You cough as you tried to answer him and he gently rubbed your back to help you out a bit.
"S'fine. I'm fine." you choked out and he sighed.
"How can I help if I don't know what the issue is?" he asked you and you sighed.
"You can't help Harry, this is me. This all me and I...I don't think I can do the show." you finally said and he pulled back with a big frown as he looked at you. You couldn't bear to see his disappointment for more than a second before you looked back at the ground.
"What do you mean? Are you nervous?" he asked you as he rubbed at your arms with his ring clad hands and you sighed.
"I-it's the outfit. I can't wear this outfit. Like...I'm not...able to wear this." you said to him and he looked a bit confused.
"Is something wrong with it?"
"Yes! I...don't know w-what it is..." you gasped through your sobs, "But I just...don't like how I look or feel in it." you explained.
"Love, you look great!" he said with a small smile and that made you feel worse because it was a testament to just how insane you actually were, "And well, I'm not really sure we can change the uniform at this point-"
"Exactly, this is my issue! So I can't go up there." you cried.
"Well what's the issue you're having? Maybe there's something we can do about it right now?" he asked and you bit your lip for a moment before looking into his eyes and then just turning your gaze away from him. You couldn't bear to see his face when you said this to him.
"I...I have an eating disorder." you said softly through your tears, "And something about this outfit has triggered me into this psychotic episode. I feel...really awful physically and in my head too...and I'm trying... I'm trying to get it together but I haven't felt like this in years and just one look at me in this and everyone's gonna know something's wrong with me because I look sick!" you sobbed, "And that's why I can't do this. I'm so sorry, Harry. I just can't do the show." you blubbered and his hands slid down your arms and grabbed your hands.
"I'm so sorry." he said softly and you sighed.
"It's not your fault...how were you supposed to know that this would trigger me? I didn't even know until I was staring at the fucking thing." you shook your head as you looked up at him again and he sighed.
"I mean, yeah but like I... I noticed stuff before, like when we first met that made me wonder if...maybe you were anorexic or struggled with something like this. So I'm sorry that I never checked on you." he said and you sighed.
"Well, it't not really something I like to talk about." you explained through a sniffle, "And I've been doing really well the last couple years, I swear I'm like eating regularly and stuff. I wouldn't have agreed to do this if I wasn't well enough to do it." you said quickly, "But something happened back there and for my own wellbeing I just feel like I can't go out there like this." you explained through your tears. "Like...at first I thought I looked fat or maybe the cinching made me feel really restricted....but like I had this...moment where when I looked at myself f-from the side I just...looked like a fucking Tim Burton character...." you chuckled through your tears, "and I just...know that people will notice that I'm anorexic. And the audience is gonna see and start saying things about me... and things are just going to get worse and I'm gonna lose control again! And I don't want to lose control again. I can't lose control again." you vented through your tears and he just listened attentively with a slight frown. When he saw you were finished he squeezed your hands gently.
"I get that. And I also want you to be healthy and feel healthy and to feel good about yourself." he assured you, "You being safe and healthy and happy, that's all I want for you! But you're also a fucking brilliant musician and friend and I don't want to do this without you." he said to you and you sniffled, "I'm willing to figure something out to make sure that you feel comfortable and confident enough to perform if you want. We can get with Harry real quick and see what we can come up with." he suggested.
"The show starts in a little bit...it's fine. We can work on it tomorrow. I can perform from backstage today or even just sit this one out." you said and he scoffed through a laugh.
"I'm not gonna make you perform from backstage! We're just gonna run a bit late, that's fine." he said to you and you shook your head.
"Seriously H, I don't mind it a-"
"Seriously, Y/N." He cut you off, "I don't want to hide any member of my team, ever. I want to work with you to figure this out, OK? You mean a lot to me, and having you up there with me and Mitch, like that's so huge! You've been there for a lot of the work on these songs...you brought my vision to life in the studio and now you're here, getting to see it play out! And you do not have my permission to experience this magnificent and magical moment for the first time from behind the stage, all alone. There's no fucking way." he said and you chuckled softly through your tears as he squeezed your hands reassuringly again. "You deserve this. Let's figure this out." he offered again and you sniffled and nodded.
"OK." you agreed softly and he smiled.
"Yeah?"
"Yes." you sniffled and smiled at him before he hugged you tight and you relaxed in his embrace.
"Perfect. Just gonna hold you for a bit, OK?" he said and you just hummed.
Your eating disorder had robbed you of tons of incredible experiences in your life. Either because you weren't well enough to show up or because you felt ashamed...but the buck stopped here. Not anymore. Harry was right, you deserved this and you wanted this, so you were gonna do it with his help and other Harry's help. After a few moments he let go of you and pulled back to wipe away the slightly smeared makeup beneath your eyes.
"If you don't mind not saying anything to Harry about why I-"
"Of course not." He said right away.
"Do you think the band'll mind that I might not be in the uniform?"
"I doubt it, but if someone has any issues I'll take care of it, OK?" he assured you and you nodded.
"Thank you, H."
"Course, love." He smiled kindly, "And I know that for now we might scramble a bit but what if we get you a tour shirt or sweater to wear on top and you can just tie the jumpsuit sleeves around you or something so that you just have the pants on?" he suggested.
"Yeah, I think that's good. I can't very well go out in my spandex shorts, that’s what I came in." you giggled and he chuckled.
"Yeah, sorry not happening. This is kind of about me so...." he joked and you laughed softly, "There she is." he said, his thumb swiped over your smile line for a moment before he pulled it away, "Sorry." he said softly.
"It's alright." you assured him and he smiled.
"Let's get this figured out then." he said and you nodded and headed back.
Of course, Harry had been right about not wanting you to miss the first show because you were hiding backstage. It had been one the best experiences of your life so far. The crowd were so loud and happy to be there. Hearing everyone sing the songs with you all, specially getting to sing Matilda and seeing how much it meant to everyone was amazing. It had been absolutely magical, you had even teared up. And when Harry spared you a glance at the end of the song and saw you wiping a tear he shot you a thumbs up and you returned the gesture. You guys started to wave at the fans at the barricade as you headed back to the main stage. You felt someone come up behind you and then Harry's arm draped over your shoulder.
"Alright, love?" he asked against your ear.
"Yeah, you were right though." you said to him, "I'm glad I'm not stuck in the back and missing this." you smiled up at him and he smiled.
"Me too." he assured you.
Of course, hundreds of fans had recorded this little interaction between the two of you and the only thing that people were obsessing over was how protective and soft Harry seemed to be with you and in turn it made the fans even more gentle towards you during the next shows. With each show the cheering for your introduction grew louder. By now you had talked to the other Harry and the band about what you were struggling with and they were all so kind and supportive. And now, each night when you were introduced you had that incredible support from the audience as well. No one was paying attention to your flaws or your issues or your body, they were just showing you the love and acceptance that you so often failed to give to yourself. Being built up that way gave you a new motivation to stay on track, to take care of yourself, and to keep getting better.
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timmytheunworthy · 3 months
Text
Weeping willow (a creepypasta)
Willow had always been different from the other kids, for aslong as she could remember. Some would say its due to her autism, others say it was her home life, but if you could ask anyone who got close to her and survived, they would say the same thing.
Her weird fascinations, the things she would do when no one was around. Wether it was glueing pieces of animals together, or swapping the skins of bugs, it all fell under the same fascination. However, she mostly got along as a normal kid.
Yes she got teased for being different, but most of the time she didnt mind, especially since her older brother could protect her. He was 3 years older, and if anything happened to willow he would make sure it wouldnt happen again.
That was until willow turned about 10, and everything changed. She was just about to enter middle school, when on the last day of summer break her brother and dad went on a fishing trip together, like they would always do in the summer breaks. But this time, they didnt come back. Weeks of searching for them every day at sea turned into just going to the ocean around 3 days a week to just giving up on them, accepting it and moving on.
Well, most people moved on, but not willow. Due to willow’s already messed up brain, she soon fell into a depressive episode, spending her days weeping in her room, barely eating, and shouting at her mom if her mom even tried to bring up her brother.
She stopped going to school for about 3 months, just falling into a rabbit hole of depression, wich eventually landed her in her bathtub with a razor blade deep into her wrist, then in the hospital. She didnt fully remember that time, especially since she was fairly young, but she remembered her mom. Her panicked reaction, the amount of tissues she had already used up while sitting at willow’s bedside in the hospital, the worried look she got when she was told that willow had to go to a psychiatric hospital, and being told how much it would all cost.
It just made willow feel worse, like a burden, like the idiot she was. After around a few days in the hospital she was dragged off to the psychiatric hospital, not even resisting, since maybe fighting them would cost her mom more. The 2 awful months she had spent in the mental hospital might just be the third worse thing she had ever experienced.
Most time was spent by her weeping, screaming or clawing at the walls, but there were occasions where she would be drugged so numb she could barely stay conscious. While in the hospital she eventually got prescribed a hand full of strong medication, and after the two months they had her fully calmed down, yes she was mostly unresponsive, but thats not what they really cared about at the end.
She was diagnosed with manic depression, formerly known as bipolar disorder, anorexia and psychosis. When she finally got out around the new year she wasnt dependable enough to go to school, wich caused her to stay home until the next school year. She hardly remembered this period, it was just a constant loop of waking up, taking pills to numb every part of her, going to the doctor for check ups, her mom trying to cheer her up, her mom failing at it, and eventually taking enough sleeping pills to make an elephant to sleep, just to get a good night of sleep.
When she was finally stable enough to go to school, it felt like torture. The loudness of the other kids, the bullying, the memories of her brother, having to focus in class- it was all a little much. She became the all known quiet kid, not having the energy to talk at school, and barely talking when she got home.
She spent her days crafting in her room, glueing living bugs together, stuff like that. Spending all that time locked in her room made her mom very lonely, and accepting her grief her mom set off to go into the dating scene again, and when willow was around 13 her mom got a new boyfriend, and in the span of no time they were engaged. He was an alright guy, he seemed very arrogant and was a little rude to willow, but she was fine with it, if it made her mom happy.
But when the guy moved in, and started drinking again, it wasnt much fun anymore. Yes he was financially supporting them, but her mom wasnt happy with a constant drunk and verbally abusive fiance, and neither was willow. So her mom started working again, making long hours and saving up money, trying to gather up money to get her and willow out of the household.
It took a while, nearly 4 years, but right after willow’s 17th birthday, they had the money. The whole time before that was a blur, but for what had happened and what was going on in her brain, she was doing good in school. She was starting her last year, just getting by, but that was enough for her.
When trying to gather all their stuff to leave, her- well- stepdad, had noticed what they were doing, and decided that for the first time of living with them he wanted to be nice, begging them to stay. Saying he was going to kill himself if they went, saying they didnt have enough to support themselves, and eventually even turning to his trusty beer bottles, throwing the bottles at willow and her mother while they ran to the car with all the stuff they could carry.
However, they made it out. They got away from him, and thats all that mattered. willow’s mom had already found an apartment, fully furnished with old dusty furniture from the 90’s, but that didnt matter. They had a decently safe home, and they had eachother.
They lived in a decently small town, her mom working at fabric store, and willow herself going to a small high school not far from the town. Senior year, and boy was it awful. Since she was ‘the quiet kid’ she got bullied- no- worse, terrorised. She would get mocked, punched, laughed at and generally bullied for everything she did, especially since she wore the same green zip up hoodie for weeks upon weeks, bloody stained sleeves being visible, and giving everyone the clear indication that she was cutting herself, which she was.
The worst bullying was ofcoarse from the three meanest and most populair girls in the school, and their dragged-along-boyfriends. The main girl, becky, and her boyfriend zack were the worst. It was like they just hated willow with their whole guts, wich got zack and the other guys to the great idea to pull a prank.
Zack was going to try and seduce willow, to get into her house and film- well- we all know what. And the plan went smoothly. Zack got ‘nicer’, and acted meaner to his own girlfriend, just to get willow to like him back. And boy did she. Willow saw affection and mindlessly grabbed it, falling right into his trap, and invited him over for some ‘winter cuddling’.
Well cuddling turned into touching, and eventually their bodies were exposed, but willow didnt feel good. She felt sick to her stomach, trying to get out from the now on top of her zack, but he was keeping her pinned down, grabbing his flip phone from his jeans pocket, turning on the record button.
This whole part was fuzzy to willow- or maybe its just her brain trying to block it out. All she remembers is eventually being om top of zack, wich a pair of her scissors stuck into his shoulder, a giant cut over his cheek, exposing his bloodied teeth. She remembered him screaming, throwing her to the side, grabbing his stuff and he was gone.
There was a soft train of blood over the floor, and willow held her clothes to her chest, sobbing on the floor, holding the bloodied scissors in her hand. Cleaning everything was a blur, the whole week was a blur. Zack wasnt at school due to his injuries, but the three mean girls knew excactly what happened. Eventually exam time rolled around, and willow passed.
Wait she passed? She didnt even remember anything from it, just the big smile her mom had on her face when she came home with a store bought cake, congratulating willow on her graduation. Willow barely ate anything from the cake, and before she could even realise what was happening and be happy, it all came crashing down.
The doctor had called, they didnt have rnough for health insurance, so willow’s pills would cost too much, meaning she couldnt get her refills. What a nice moment, and what a bittersweet thing to hear, to make it all crash down. Her mom seemed more upset then willow was, making her- well- feel bad for her mom. Making her feel like a burden- i mean if she hadnt been there- maybe-.
She couldnt find a good reason, but she felt like a weight to her mom. The next week was just preparing for the worst, the pills slowly running out, the orange bottles being thrown into the trash one by one, since they werent being filled up any time soon. Everything seemed fine after that. I mean, it was worse then usual, but without school she finally had some peace, so not taking the pills had a minor effect on her.
Spring break rolled around and like any other break she spent it alone, covered up with her green zipper hoodie maybe brushing out her matted, long brown hair and crafting something, some bloodied pigeon wings on a wooden pigeon. She didnt even think about what had happened with zack- i mean she did- but she didnt expect anything to come from it. Until there was an envelope in the mail. An invitation for a graduation party, adressed especially to her. It looked too messy for a school to hand out, so one of the students must have sent it.
She didnt want to go, especially since it was on july 19th, wich was her 18th birthday. But her mom convinced her to see her classmates, just for one more time before they would go to college, and she would start working, since they didnt have money for college.
And on rolled july 19th, she was sitting in the car with her mom, her mom driving into a small path into the forrest, wich was ironically full of weeping willow’s. Her mom dropped her off as close to the party as she could, and drove off.
Willow put up her hood and walked into the forrest, not getting very far before being greeted by the three mean girls, and zack, standing a little further behind them, his cheek looking messed up, not very neatly stitched up. And with a small nod from the girls zack ran towards willow, picking her up and forcing her against a weeping willow, tying her up, making her wrists hurt like hell.
The girls begane degrading her, slashing at her hoodie, cutting her arms, slicing her long hair off into a sort cut to right above the shoulder, with such short bangs they almost werent there. Whenever willow started crying they just laughed, giving the box cutter to zack as he mercilessly stabbed her in the side, going easily through her hoodie and skin, making the blood stain her hoodie. The girls laughed as they softly whispered about the ‘grand finale’, as the signalled zack to get something from one of their bags.
He got a soft of thermos cup, wich would often contain coffee or tea, but in this case, contained something much worse. In a blink of an eye he threw it at willow’s face, making her jerk her head to the left and ripping her hand out of the retraint to try and cover her face, splashing the substance all over the right side of her face, and a little bit of her neck. For a second she thought it was okay, until it started to burn. And boy did it burn.
It felt like her skin was melting off, wich it was, but 100 times worse. She heard the girls laugh as she weeped and screamed and clawed at her face, coughing as she dropped to her knees, looking up to the girls with her one good eye, her eyes full of terror, but anger quickly building up.
Now having her hands free she grabbed the box cutter that was laying on the ground, and slashed at becky, the front girl, cutting open her stomach, making her drop to the floor. All the girls screamed as willow slowly stood up, easily cutting open the throat of one of the girls, and stabbing the back of the other girl as she tried to run.
Zack seemed to accept his faith, seeming scared but accepting as willow cut open the stitching in his cheek and stabbed into his throat, dragging the box cutter down his chest, making him gurgle in his own blood, like most of the others were. She grabbed the head of the girl she stabbed in the back and sliced her neck open to the bone, the turned to becky.
Becky was holding her stomach, trying to keep the blood from pouring out of her gashing wound. Willow grabbed becky by the hair, holding her down on her back as she started cutting around her face, cutting fully around her face, and eventually started rupping the skin off her face, eventually ripping it clean, making becky scream in agony as she was still barely conscious.
Willow held the face, looking in the reflection or becky’s pocket mirror as she put it over her face, trying to be beautiful, but she threw the skin down, seeing that she wasnt. She was ruined, now not only mentally, but physically too. She threw the mirror on the ground and stomped it, putting rhe box cutter in her pocket as she started stumbling away, stumbling back home.
She held her hood up, and was keeping her arms over the wounds on her body, making her way back into her and her mom’s apartment, mostly unnoticed. When she got home her mom was sitting at the dinner table, reading the newspaper and not even noticing that willow came home, and that willow was grabbing the box cutter from her pocket.
In a blink of an eye she had the blad in her mom’s throat, stabbing her throat over and over and over again, making her head start to detach from her body. Her mom’s blood was all over her fave, her clothes, and over the dinner. She breathed heavily as she looked at her mom’s decapitated body, and the head laying next to it.
She crumbled up next to the body and started to weeping, weeping like the weeping willow she was. She was last reported at the fabric store her mom worked at, making a mask out of a mannequin face, then fleeing into the woods. People say shes still out in those woods, killing and stealing people’s faces, to try and be pretty again.
(Hi, tom here!! Im very dislexic so if any of this is soelled wrong/written wrong please tell me! Also i included some cringy art of willow, im gonna make more art and some headcannons soon but im in france right now, so ill do it when im home&have time. Btw, even though willow is 18, im still a minor and would prefer no sexual content about my oc (if it ever gets famous or something). I hope you guys enjoy! :PP )
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slasher-male-wife · 1 year
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Hannigram with a s/o who has high functioning depression
I'm going to do this with other slashers too I just wanted to start of with one for now. But I've been dealing with high functioning depression also known as persistive depressive disorder since like 2017 but I didn't know it until January. I was never told what it was really like when I was diagnosed so I only recently after searching about persistive depressive disorder did I find out how much it really was impacting my life. Not to get into too much detail but I feel like people don't often talk about people who have depression who can still function and appear normal but still are dealing with issues like this. Anyway I'm self indulging, as a treat, with this one.
Warnings: Mentions of self harm and suicide, mental health struggles, mostly just hurt/comfort
At the beginning of the relationship with them everything seemed fine. You seemed like a happy healthy person, Will and Hannibal were happy with that too.
But as the relationship goes on and you open up more and more about what's been going on in your day to day life they start to worry.
Of course Hannibal will know it's persistive depressive disorder and will have to explain that to Will too. Will is going to be a bit confused about how you have this but he's going to trust Hannibal on this one.
Hannibal knows that pdd isn't easy to see unless your really know a person. He knows that on the outside you look and function fine. You keep up with work and hygine and you don't seem like you'd be depressed. But he knows better.
But it's those reasons Will doesn't see how you have depression. But he'll soon see that it's a daily struggle for you and he's going to take this seriously.
Hannibal is going to encourage that you go to him to talk about your mental struggles and whatever else you need to talk about. Will is going to try and help you too.
Hannibal will set easy tasks for you to do throughout the day that aren't going to be too draining on you. He understands how you can do things like go to work, keep up proper hygine and do other things most people can but it's incrediably draining on you.
If you aren't currently living with the two of them then there will be daily check ups if you don't see them on that day. Hannibal will insist that he cooks meals for you. One because he does that for people he loves and two he knows how you might not feel encouraged to eat because of your disorder.
But if you are living with them the check ups will be whenever they can be. If Will or Hannibal notices that you've been up in your room for a long time or you've been alone for an extended period of time Will is going to go check on you and make sure that you're doing ok.
If they find you crying Will is going to be the comforter, holding you close and rubbing your back while whispering sweet words to you while Hannibal is going to ask why you're crying and what caused this to happen.
It's like that with most things. Will is the one who does the comforting and Hannibal does the more psychological aspect of it. Of course Hannibal will wait until you've calmed down enough before he starts picking your brain.
Hannibal will also keep you in contact with someone who can perscribe medications for you to take. If you are on medications they'll make sure you never miss your doses.
They know how tiring it can be to do tasks all day long but there will be lots of praise when you do tasks. They want you to know that they know it's hard on you but that they're so proud of you for doing it anyway.
But on days that it gets really bad, like you can barely do anything days Will is going to sneak you some comfort food and Hannibal is going to insist you be near them in case you start getting bad thoughts.
On these worse days they won't force you out of bed but they'll suggest you at least join them in Hannibal's study. You don't even have to do anything you can just sit with them in there and they'll give you praise for it.
If you have a past with self harm and suicidal thoughts and actions they will take this into account. Depending on how long you've been self harm clean you won't be allowed around sharp objects alone. But if you've been clean for awhile you can be alone with them unless it's a rough day mentally.
Now no matter what once you talk about having had or currently having suicidal thoughts they're going to lock up medication and whatever else they need to keep you safe. They love you so much and they don't want to lose you.
In the moments that you are happy and in a good mood they'll take note of what's making you happy and suggest it as a coping skill for you. They love seeing you happy and hearing you laugh.
Whatever activities you find fun and enjoyable they'll encourage and support them. Hannibal is rich and he can spend money on whatever it is that you like. If you're into the arts Hannibal will indulge you in whatever art speaks to you. He's more than happy to pose for a drawing or a painting for you.
If you're more into nature and being outside Will has got you covered. He'll join you on hikes, fishing, camping, whatever else you enjoy doing outside.
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blughxreader · 2 years
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Say the reader doesn’t eat that much ( they are just never that hungry) would the Batfam make them eat 3 meals a day? Even if they have to force it down their throat? I just got inspired from your latest post 🤩
They abso-fucking-lutely would.
You are a growing person—you need the best quality meals three times a day. No questions or complaints.
They would consider not eating a form of self harm. Even if it was something as harmless as not feeling hungry because you didn’t do much that day, they would still give you a suspicious look. To that too many times in a row, and boom, they’ll diagnose you with an eating disorder.
Their level of aggression towards getting you to eat would depend on the person.
Bruce would not force feed you, ever. He would ground you with every punishment in the book, but he wouldn’t shove food down your throat. Any physical punishment is a no-go for him.
He expects you to tell him exactly why you’re not eating, and Bruce, unlike the others, can be rationalized with. You can make deals, like “I’ll reheat dinner later tonight when I’m hungrier,” and it will typically work so long as you eat it.
If you have an actual aversion to finishing your food or eating in general, he would make you his number one priority. He’d sit next to you at the table, so close your knees touch, and talk you through each spoonful. It’s humiliating, and the only way he’d stop is if you regularly finish your plate.
Dick would infantize you. He’d consider it a good opportunity to strip you of your rights and have a bit of fun with you. He would be worried for sure, but it’s not like you won’t eat—not when he’s there at each meal making you pick the easy or hard way.
Dick is certainly not above force-feeding you, but that’s also not his main goal. It’s to spend time with you and to have you rely on him. So he’ll give you many opportunities to correct your behavior, until you’ll ultimately force his hand.
Jason is the most short-tempered of them all. If you act like a brat then he’ll treat you like one. He enjoys snark and games, but Jason has a zero tolerance policy for anything pertaining to your wellbeing. Putting yourself in harm’s way to any degree is a sure-fire way to wipe any trace of kindness from him. You will eat, even if he has to pry your jaw open.
Wanna piss him off? He dares you. In fact, he wishes you would so he could demonstrate that he’s willing to be the bad guy if it comes to keeping you safe. It’s a good reminder that you don’t have a say, so you should be a good child and listen to the adults. He’ll comfort you after it’s done, but don’t expect him to feel an ounce of remorse.
Tim would take the smartest approach and change your lifestyle rather than eating habits. If you say you’re not hungry, then he’ll give you a reason to be hungry. With Bruce’s permission, you’ll have to do tasks around the house in order to work up an appetite, and Tim will ensure you’re tired enough to eat three full meals a day.
Tim would carefully map your every food intake and come up with a meal plan. You have to stick to it by the calorie if you want him off your back, and because you’ve been working all day, it’s hard to ignore the food in front of you.
If you’re not eating on purpose, then he would definitely force feed you. He could even consider it a bonding moment, because its solely his doing that you’re getting the nutrients to live. It’s almost addicting.
Damian thinks it’s a cry for attention. He’s already upset he can’t spend more time with you, so he spins this story in his head that you need him around in order to function. He thinks of you as the “pure-hearted, simple-minded little sibling,” and thus doesn’t try to punish you initially.
After a stern talking-to about a proper diet, if you’re still not eating he’ll move onto rougher tactics. He’ll shame and berate you, calling your behavior stupid. And after, he’ll cuff you to the table and feed you spoonful by spoonful. He doesn’t like physical aggression with you, but this is something he’s willing to do if you try harming yourself.
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