#like it took me a while yes toxic masculinity exists BUT TO WHICH DEGREE
Text
Am I Queer? It’s Controversial.
This is going to be long, and it’s going to cover a lot of ground, so please bear with me.
Recently, this article came to my attention:
https://www.healthline.com/health/gender-nonconforming
I have spent a fair amount of time questioning my own sexuality/identity, and having it questioned by others. Now approaching five full decades of life, I feel comfortable saying:
I identify as Male, and Straight.
I am Gender Non-Conforming by the standards of the culture I come from.
But I am not comfortable saying this qualifies me as “Queer” or otherwise under LGBTQIA+.
That article (which is by no means the Last Word on the subject) identifies several areas where I do not conform to my AMAB status as culturally defined:
I have long hair. But I also have a thick beard and moustache, and I like that combination. Still, I grew up in a place where long hair on a guy meant you were A) Queer or B) into Heavy Metal. Even though my teen years saw me sporting a military-style buzzcut more often than not, I tended to hang out with the Metalheads. My long hair continues to be a point of contention with my conservative relatives and in-laws. Some of them think I am a Hippie, which is funny because I am allergic to Cannabis. Wanna watch me fight for breath and puke? Blow weed smoke in my face.
I am a Stay-At-Home Dad and Homemaker. I have been the breadwinner for this family, but that is not part of my identity. I am quite content to let my wife handle that part of things, and so is she. I have been a Dad longer than I have been a father, in fact: for most of my life I have been mentoring teenagers that find their way to me seeking advice, comfort, acceptance, and guidance. I spent a lot of time worrying about what career should I follow, and it took me far too long to understand and accept that Dad was what I was after. A woman seeking motherhood as a career is validated, a man seeking fatherhood in the same context is not conforming.
When I was younger, I got hit with one hell of a double-standard: while wanting to be a Dad as a goal is not acceptable, I was supposed to go out there and sow my wild oats. OK, I wasn’t really supposed to get girls pregnant, but I was supposed to try. Wait, what? Try that again? OK, if you were a teenaged boy in the 80s and 90s and I am pretty sure before that (not sure after, AIDS changed a lot of thinking all around), you were not supposed to get a girl pregnant, but you were supposed to make an attempt as often as possible, in fact you were supposed to score but fail. If you are confused, don’t feel bad: I was living steeped in this paradox 24/7/365 and came out of it real confused.
Meanwhile, I was looking for a long-term, meaningful relationship with a woman who could be a partner in my life, and avoiding the one-night stands I was supposed to be after according to the standards of my culture, and so many of the people around me—parents, teachers, peers—decided that I must be Queer. And that was Not A Good Classification To Find Yourself In in Rural Tennessee of the 80’s and 90’s. Lacking real support, I entered adulthood like a trainwreck still skidding down the tracks, confused as hell and desperately trying to please people whose opinions mattered to me far more than they should. I did finally find that relationship, and we celebrate 21 years of marriage this month. Meanwhile I can’t keep track of who has gotten divorced and remarried from that crowd anymore.
I am not a fan of American Football. (I am not a fan of soccer, which is football to the rest of the world, but that’s not going to get you labeled Queer in the USA as yet.) Even so, I got recruited to be the Football Manager for my high school football team, and then I spent several years studying to be an Athletic Trainer in college as an add-on to my English and Education degree. The fact that I spent 7 years of my life on the sidelines of football games (and basketball, and baseball) and still do not really understand the rules of those sports should have been a clear sign to me that I was trying to conform and failing badly. An American Male of my generation is supposed to like these things, he is supposed to scream at the television or scream from the stands when watching a game, he is supposed to have a Favorite Team and Wear Their Stuff.
Yeah, that’s not me. I don’t like combative sports. I like things that involve grace, beauty, and art. Figure skating (either gender, singles, but especially pairs) is fun to watch. The more artistic of gymnastics events are nice (uneven bars and vault are kinda boring, but I love watching floor exercise.) Watching someone do tricks on a skateboard is more interesting to me than an MMA bout. I enjoy the art of it. I used to watch WWF Wrestling as a kid, but I found I enjoyed the “story” more than the violence. Martial arts practice that is done like a dance is more interesting than watching two people try to kick each other in the face for real.
I’m told I am supposed to like these things. I am told that not liking them makes me less masculine.
This extends into online gaming as well. Oh, I like some combat games. We aren’t going to talk about how many hours I have played the XCOM series. But…I don’t like PVP or multiplayer. I like the story arc, and accomplishing things. Minecraft? I like building, and killing mobs is very secondary to that. In single-player I usually just go peaceful mode and explore the world, build grand railways and tunnels, create comfortable houses or make a home under a lake with a glass roof under the water. In World of Warcraft I spent more time exploring the world and getting cool screenshots than worrying about getting Phat Loot and XP. I would take a whole afternoon just to escort a couple of new players through dangerous territory so they could find their friends.
I have gotten a lot of grief over that. I am supposed to go out and kill kill kill stab stab stab get the loot!
And I am supposed to get more than the other person. It’s competition. Men are supposed to compete. And if you can’t get more than the other guy you go dump buckets of lava on his house and laugh at the noob.
I hate that.
By the standards I was raised with, I am gender nonconforming. I most definitely do not conform to the expectations that were laid upon me from my youth.
Does that make me Queer? I am not comfortable claiming that.
The standards I was held to can also be considered Toxic Masculinity. They hold that Queer==Less Of A Man. “Queer” is not “Less.” I was raised to think it is, but I have learned, and grown, and I know that it is not. I also do not accept that I, myself, am Less. The very premise of me being labeled Queer by those people is wrong on all counts. I am different. I have always known that. I believe that “Man” and “Male” can encompass more than violence, bullying, and competition. I also know full well that many who identify as “Woman” and “Female” embrace those as ideals as well.
I am no stranger to violence. My life has often been violent. I have fought off muggers who were armed with knives, I have stared down the barrel of a gun, I have been beaten because someone else wanted to establish himself as the dominant male in our school just after he moved there. I am not a pacifist: the only reason I have not killed another human being in self-defense is because I was outnumbered. I just don’t feel that defines my gender, and I have been told it should. I fight to survive and to protect others, not to prove that I can.
Others who look like me are guarding statues of Columbus with their Assault Rifles because they feel their masculinity is threatened. This is another area where I do not conform to my expected gender roles. Not only do I not feel my masculinity is threatened by BLM, or Pride, or the existence of Trans folks, I no longer feel my masculinity can be threatened. I spent so many years under attack from “my” side, and gotten so much support from “their” side, that I now understand that my gender is not about what THEY think. It is MY identity. I OWN it. I am who I am regardless of their perception of me. Nothing someone else does can take that from me.
And if anything about me is Queer, it is that: the understanding that my identity belongs to me and not to those who seek to mislabel me.
I have been told by some in the Queer community that I am welcome among them, and I am grateful for that. So, so many of my stories can be prefaced with, “There I was, the only Straight Guy in the room, when:” I am proud to be an Ally.
But calling myself Queer? I’m not comfortable doing that. I could, and I know some who would accept it. But I feel it is more important to me to break the toxic definition of Masculinity and show that things like nurturing, caring, creating, dancing, loving, uplifting, and oh yes parenting, these ARE Male Qualities, always have been, and should always be. No criticism of GNC folks who take the Queer label intended or implied: they are not Less, they own their own identity, they are valid. They are themselves, and have a right to be.
I am me.
I am a Man.
I will never be the Man they wanted me to be, and I am PROUD of that.
Happy Pride Month.
Don’t let the bastards get you down.
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
To the Louisville Protest and Movement Community from Medusa:
A dox was recently released about me by a group calling themselves Louisville Radical Federation. This group consists of Louisville ARA members, RAM (Revolutionary Abolitionist Movement) members, Louisville Street Medic members, and others associated with them. It contained a lot of information, incorrect information, while also revealing information about myself. I would like to take this time to address accusations against me and highlight the who and the why behind all of this.
Poor Security/Snitch:
These accusations against me come on the heels of attempts to call me a snitch and blame me for poor security culture. The basis for this accusation is me mentioning “the uhaul dox” on the LMPD live feed from Sept 26 (which is no longer on their Facebook page).
The “uhaul dox” was a reference to a situation created by Louisville ARA members who rented a uHaul in their own names, but with an old address on their license
Well-known (both locally and nationally, and in far right, white supremacist circles) Louisville ARA members were recorded on video unmasked handing out gear (hard banners, masks, goggles, etc) to protesters in an open parking lot
They were identified by far-right activists and the uHaul truck identified by its license and serial number
An employee at uHaul leaked internal call logs with the account information related to the rental with names and addresses included
A phone call of someone pretending to be uHaul was recorded with an ARA member where questions are answered and more information is given away
All of this is documented over and over again on YouTube.
It became a national story, trending on twitter, with even New York Times and Politifact articles written about it, with many right wing media incorrectly attempting to connect organizations and people to George Soros
While it was absolutely a poor choice on my part to mention “the uhaul dox” to anyone, especially police, there is no grounds for blaming the entire situation on me. In fact, the use of poor security culture by Louisville ARA created and enhanced the entire situation from beginning to end.
The accusation of poor security culture is a deflection of their own poor security culture choices highlighted above. Repeated actions of those associated with Louisville ARA, RAM, and other groups have created unsafe situations at the park over and over again.
Unwanted Sexual Advances:
Yes, I have been under the influence of drugs and alcohol while engaging in sexual activity. I admit to that, while also wanting to point out that I have also taken steps over the last year to minimize my usage of different substances and when I have slipped up, have been accountable for it and asked for forgiveness with a renewed promise to do better. Those people know who they are and there is no reason to drag them into anything.
In regards to the specific instance mentioned in the dox:
Both individuals involved were under the influence of substances
We had sex twice - once before sleep, once after sleep
I repeatedly asked for consent during the interaction, as each step progressed
This person then stayed at my house for multiple days after the interaction
The insinuation of a power dynamic around age disregards the other power dynamics that existed, such as this person’s connection to a founding member of Louisville ARA
I was later told by this person’s friends that they were in a committed relationship with someone else during the time of our interaction
This person denies that they were in a relationship at the time, but I have been approached by others given similar information much later after the interaction occurred
The twisted version of this interaction is not what was told to former partners of this person
This person repeatedly approached me this summer regarding our interaction describing it as “great” and saying “I wish we could do it again”
The interaction took place almost two years ago and I have not been a part of the community for almost a year, there has definitely been ample time to address the interaction or any issues with it before now without power dynamic issues or threat given that I was not a member of the community
I have not once been approached by Louisville ARA or their affiliates regarding accountability for this interaction since it occurred
The other individual a part of the interaction in the past has been repeatedly called in regarding consent issues, defense of far right political personalities, sex work shaming, transphobic behavior, toxic masculinity, and other issues and in fact, left Louisville ARA because of the accountability call in for those things
If the intent was to hold me accountable, spreading rumors of rape in bars or a public call out without any attempts at restorative and transformative justice is not constructive or appropriate.
I do want to hold space for those I have hurt though, intentionally or unintentionally, with my actions. I am truly, deeply sorry if anything I have done has resulted in making anyone feel unsafe. Should there be a genuine request for an accountability process, I would wholeheartedly engage in it.
Ignoring/Disregarding POC on Sept 26:
The accusation was made that I presented myself as a police liaison on the night of Sept 26, despite being asked not to do so by several POC.
I never once refer to myself as a police liaison, nor have I ever
The decision to approach the police line was made by a group of people tasked with protecting protesters and the church, and clergy:
Clergy and armed protection asked folks to go into the church building when the explosion occurred
Multiple intel sources, including bike scouts, indicated LMPD was gearing up to enter the church property with or without a warrant (confirmed by Interim Chief Schroeder in testimony to Metro Council)
LMPD sent all media away from the location, so we invited a 502Livestreamer to come with us to document the exchange
I was not approached by any POC or Black organizers at any point during these conversations
Multiple members of the armed protection team were initially going to the police line but the others were called back to deal with a situation
When a group of three Black individuals approached the police line after we had already talked to police, I immediately stepped away and created space for them to negotiate.
All of this is recorded on camera, including church security footage with sound, and can be confirmed by members of the clergy and the other people who were a part of the interactions
Ultimately attempts at negotiation were finalized by the Black woman who came forward
When the offer to return home between 3-3:30am was given, I actively encouraged people to stay at the church, but later was informed that members of Louisville ARA and their associates went behind me and told people to leave, that staying was a trap.
In fact, the trap was telling people they could freely and safely arrive home
LMPD arrested 28+ protesters on their way home, some were disappeared for a number of hours before it was known what happened to them
POC Claim:
The accusation is made that I am falsely claiming to be a person of color based on an immediate relative’s DNA test.
At no point did a “calling in” conversation take place, no actual conversation around this specific issue ever took place. Comments made in passing or a two minute conversation absolutely do not qualify as a calling in.
I did not know it was considered an issue to others until it was screamed in my face during an outburst that had nothing to do with my identity
This is being claimed by a group of people who have no knowledge of the growth, journey, insights, or nuances I have experienced, nor was there ever an attempt to have those conversations
This group repeatedly discussed their feelings and thoughts about me without my input, knowledge, or clarification, including with other organizers in an attempt to discredit me
Out of state persons with whom I had never conversed about my identity publicly dragged me in a large group Signal chat referring to me as “Rachel Dolezal” among other name calling and abusive behavior
This is complicated. Yes, I discovered Roma in my family through a DNA test, that is true. I spent a large amount of time studying the culture, digging into my family’s background to understand better how we tied into the Romani, learning my heritage and history, and had many, many discussions with POC and Black folks about what I was learning. In fact, several of the POC I had discussions with, who had encouraged me to identify as POC and to embrace my Roma heritage are the same people now accusing me of being fake. The main source of those accusations though, come from white people, specifically ARA members who have been unsupportive from the very beginning and showed their indifference to even attempting to engage in conversation.
I am not going to try to convince anyone of who I am or am not. I have spoken with Roma elders; I know my Vitsa; I have Romanipen. I practice my beliefs as Roma. I am Roma. Who I am, my identity, is not up to someone else to debate.
I have never attempted to engage in oppression olympics with anyone. I have rarely ever even discussed my own experiences regarding racial profiling. I have occasionally shared articles or images highlighting Roma history and present, which is a story of oppression, and held discussions around educating people about oppression and profiling Roma have experienced, including the use of slurs such as g*psy or the appropriation of aesthetic such as bohemian or g*psy “soul”. I have argued that the fight against white supremacy and Nazism is a fight for Roma, because it is. Unfortunately, Roma and other ethnic minorities have been excluded from the conversation of liberation at the square to such a degree that most feel unwelcome and unwanted there.
If the disagreement is around the concept that someone cannot discover parts of themselves late in life and find a source of identity in that, I would argue that is engaging in gatekeeping, exclusionism, and toxic internalized white supremacy.
If the disagreement is around the concept that Roma people are not people of color, that is racist.
Roma are not even recognized as a people group in the US. Claiming that my identity is invalidating to POC is antiziganism. My identity is mine. Those who take issue with it are transferring their own insecurities regarding their identity on to me. It is toxic, racist, and unfair.
Bad Intel Sharing:
Intel is a communal effort and comes from many, many sources, not one; generally intel/information I share has been passed to me by others
Constantly moving actions, pieces, and groups create an impossible situation for having ALL the information before making decisions
Louisville ARA, RAM, and others associated with them refused to participate in standard communications that other groups and people were a part of (including Signal chats, Zello groups, radio comms, etc)
They encouraged people at First Unitarian Church to leave the property despite curfew causing multiple arrests
They have repeatedly attempted to spread wrong intel about fellow activists to discredit them and push them out of the movement
They have failed to show up to situations when back up or help was requested
They refuse to cooperate or engage with information that comes from any source other than themselves, gatekeeping regarding issues of safety and security for protesters
They have gone as far as claiming that the vouches of other people are invalid based on their personal assessment, not on any empirical evidence
Grifter/Jumping from group to group:
I am not originally from Louisville and I have only been a part of the leftist scene here for about four years. Many of the people in different organizations and communities have a history that I do not share. So, yes, I have spent time in different groups, trying to find my place in the movement.
I truly thought I had found that place with Louisville ARA, but after the two years of toxicity, I couldn’t handle it anymore. When I distanced myself from them, I lost my friend group, my community and it broke my heart.
However, I believe in cultivating healthy relationships and community, not one based on codependency and narcissistic centering. When I left Louisville ARA, I immersed myself in studying intentional communities, transformative and restorative justice, and how to address conflict/harm.
I wrote out my dreams for a community. I shared those dreams with some others who I thought also believed in them. Rather than engaging healthily when the dox came out, most of those who I thought shared my vision of community left me standing alone rather than putting the ideals we had agreed to into practice. It’s been a very painful realization for me to know where people truly stand, but I would rather know who is true than not know.
Conclusion:
While we all make poor decisions, and I am not excusing mine in any way (and have been willing to admit to them, accept correction, and remove myself when necessary), I have always maintained that if people feel unsafe, they should only engage to their comfort level.
Certain people who are now accusing me of these things had inserted themselves into conversations that they were intentionally not invited to because of their discomfort with certain actions. In every instance of an action or idea, I have made clear that only people who are willing to take on the danger of an action should be involved. I would not want it to be any other way, even if that means people backing out or removing themselves from an action. Safety is, and always has been, my greatest concern.
Many actions and ideas were brought up throughout the summer that eventually were tabled or decided to not complete due to safety issues. I am certainly not the only person who has had ideas in this movement and it is the height of hypocrisy to claim one person is unsafe, a subjective term at the very least, during a revolutionary movement in which so many engaged in “unsafe” actions.
The accusations against me are a spiteful smear campaign and an attempt to divert attention from their own actions that have created unsafe situations for multiple people
It’s an attempt to lash out and place blame on anyone other than themselves for their actions
I distanced myself from Louisville ARA in Sept/Oct of 2019 and officially left the organization in December 2019, having not been a part of their work for several months
I did not reconnect with members until May 2020, when the movement kicked off
I left Louisville ARA because I witnessed, and was the recipient of, toxic, manipulative, abusive behaviors
I had multiple anxiety attacks due to narcissistic, controlling behaviors
I felt they no longer represented or acted in connection with their supposed points of unity
By doxxing me, they revealed my legal name to the far-right movement - despite pictures of myself on social media, I had been so far undoxxed by the alt/far right
Doxxing of fellow activists is a huge faux pax in the antifascist community
I had not yet been publicly doxxed by anyone
They deadnamed me, as a trans person, by giving far right activists my legal name
This is completely against any sort of socially acceptable standard
Put me, my partner, and my child in danger
This was an act of betrayal, a way to manipulate against someone to cause them hurt and harm.
The lies, manipulation, and mind games existed from the early stages of the movement in May behind my back
Louisville ARA, specifically, manipulated and used me to gain information
They used my connections to people they thought were undesirable to work with as a way to manipulate the movement
Once I became independent of them, I was considered undesirable to work with as well
They fabricated relationships with me as a way to continue to use me for their enjoyment and gain
They have continued to terrorize and threaten me, implying that physical harm would take place, even so far as to stalk me at the memorial for Travis where I was grieving the loss of a friend (who, incidentally, was someone they refused to work with and had no relationship with)
They have consistently engaged in a “my way or the highway” attitude toward relationships and the moment someone doesn’t fall in line, they are ostracized
I truly believed I was in community with them. They took advantage of this to manipulate and abuse me
Louisville Radical Federation has also displayed incredibly abusive and unsafe behavior outside of simply doxxing me:
Cis members of Louisville ARA physically threatening trans people, and when there was push back on it, declared they did not care of it made them transphobic
Stealing untold amounts of money from comrades, including using my debit card without my knowledge or permission after their dox in an attempt to terrorize me
Repeated fatphobic comments and behavior
Openly threatening physical harm on myself and my partner
Making disparaging comments about fellow protesters, houseless folks, organizers (including Black women), and others
Engaging in clique behavior, while mocking those not “in” constantly (and often behind people’s backs)
Refusing to return borrowed items totaling around $500 including my tactical kit and body armor plates
Running abuse survivors out of the movement because the abuser is their friend
Allowing abusers to remain in the community with no accountability process and making excuses for behavior
Constant misgendering of trans folks, often intentionally
Behavior indicating non-binary trans people are not trans or not trans enough to be a part of conversations around the murders of trans folks
Conducting medic trainings with old, outdated, and incorrect information without certification and refusing to correct their inaccuracies when they were pointed out
Actively engaging in gatekeeping, gaslighting, and disrespect toward others, going so far as to claim to others that vouches or recommendations were invalid
Political purity and gatekeeping of the movement
Repeatedly re-escalating dangerous situations during high risk actions that had already been deescalated by Black folks and other protective minded folks
Deliberately choosing to not respond to information about Nazis or local alt-right figures being at bars or other locations, failing to uphold their own points of unity
Lying to therapists, psychiatrists, and other mental health workers to keep from being accountable for actions, behaviors, and abuses
Centering whiteness in conversations about race and racialization
Tokenizing POC and Black people, as well as trans comrades
Gatekeeping trans, POC, and other marginalized communities with standards set by themselves as cis, white folks
Disregarding claims of abuse against individuals in their community, gaslighting survivors
Stalking and harassing former members of the community
Building a reputation of toxic, manipulative, exclusionary behaviors among antifascists circles
Appointing themselves as the authority on antifascism, especially in regards to organizing, being in the streets, and actions
Invalidating the trauma of other antifascists from actions such as Charlottesville
Consistently carrying firearms without proper training or discipline and/or without knowledge of the specific firearm they were carrying
Using their trauma to manipulate others from being actively engaged on the streets when it was needed
Engaging in oppression olympics, especially with a mindset of harmful behavior toward others when they were the most privileged people in the space (having a complex about anyone with more oppression than themselves)
Putting businesses they frequent at risk by bringing in underage people to drink
Hosting parties and events where underage people engaged in drinking and substance use, putting everyone in the space at risk (sometimes without consent)
Stigmatizing certain mental health issues and using them to manipulate others against persons
I am in no way absolving myself of bad, toxic/harmful behavior. I am absolutely guilty of causing harm, of engaging in toxic attitudes, and making very poor judgment calls. We all are toxic. We all have caused harm. We all engage in bad behavior. No one is innocent. Should I be called in about some things, most assuredly. And those who have taken the time to sit with me, to ask questions, to discuss the issues, have not shied away from telling me where I have faulted. If I have made anyone feel unsafe, compromised, and invalid in any way, I want to apologize sincerely and would love the opportunity to do so in person.
A community that supports and believes in itself exercises grace, compassion, transformation, and restoration with itself, with each individual. To intentionally dox, ostracize, and scapegoat a person is not community. It’s not engaging in liberation work. Harm does not fix harm. We will never get free if we can’t free ourselves from the internalized toxicity that each of us has. Liberation is undoing toxic behaviors, not branding someone as unfixable. Liberation is freedom to fuck up and do better. Liberation is grace. Liberation is learning, transforming, restoring. Liberation is who we choose to be, how we choose to live, what we choose to believe in. I chose liberation.
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
you said that the dark zodiac is based off of real people you know and characters. is it okay for me to ask the story behind them?
Aries is based on the deviant trope. An uncontrollable individual who lives a hedonistic lifestyle. They indulge themselves on toxic things, such as drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc. They are manipulative, and don’t care about other people’s feelings, especially if it gets in the way of things they desire. So Aries After Dark, I pictured as like that guy or girl at an edgy night club, who is dtf. Down to fuck and/or fight. This is based off of the negative traits of an Aries; dominate, stubborn, short tempered, unpredictable, selfish. I don’t know many aries in person, so it was hard to find inspiration for this based on real people, so I went with character tropes.
Taurus was a little more difficult, so it is loosely based off someone I know who is a Taurus that I don’t like. They’re lazy, and materialistic, and blame other people for their own faults and bad luck. So I combined that person with my character I made in Zodiac as Antagonists series, as a rich, self indulgent, greedy business man trope. I ended up with a character that has a princess/prince complex, that doesn’t really like to do anything, takes what they have for granted, and values materialistic and shallow things in life. Such as jewellery, expensive alcohol, money, etc. Taurus after dark is passive aggressive, sarcastic, and unambitious, and is too stubborn to change who they are, which is the crowning fault of this person I based this on.
Gemini is a complex one. Every bad ex I’ve dated has been a gemini. So in this I rolled them all in one. These people were two-faced, untrustworthy, inconsistent, high strung, fickle minded. As a lot of Gemini’s would testify, they do not like the stereotype that Gemini’s are crazy, or psycho/sociopaths, because their dual personalities and high anxious behavioural issues makes them hard to understand. Which is why I chose that quote “You’re a Psychopath” “I prefer creative”. It just illustrates the opinion of how others see Gemini, vs how they view themselves. So Gemini after dark as a character is a person who is indecisive, and fickle minded. They’re liars and backstabbers because they are incapable of keeping promises, and they know this, so they keep that part of themselves hidden upon first introductions. But they’re also confused by their own self. They don’t know what they want, they dont understand their own emotions. They’re not good with them.
Cancer, as I’ve mentioned, is heavily based off of who I was when I was a teenager and an early adult. So I’ll break down the imagery I’ve used to illustrate this. One thing that cancers are known for is sentimentality. They grow too attached to things. I’ve linked sentimentality with christian imagery, which also symbolizes my struggle with finding myself spiritually through religion. The crown of thorns and the crying Madonna symbolized martyrdom; I kept on sacrificing my own happiness, or rather giving it up. I consensually put myself in pain on purpose. I was drowning in my own pain and emotions, and to deal with that I over indulged myself in unhealthy habits. In the graphic I used smoking as an example, but for me it wasn’t smoking, it was food and drugs and sex. In terms of relationships, I fell in love too fast and too easily, and I would do anything for these people that I fell in love with, even if it meant carving my heart out for them. But as I grew up, and had to live through my share of Gemini’s (read above), I became more and more aromantic. Hence the Love is a lie image.
Leo is another personal one, because this one is talking about a very specific person in my life, who I won’t name, nor share my relation to them. Now I usually get along with leos; the people closest to me are leos. But this particular leo embodies all the negative traits of one. This person believes they are the protagonist of everyone’s story, and everyone else is an antagonist, or a supporting character. They surround themselves with “yes” people, to fuel the illusion that they’re always right and everyone else is wrong. This person does not swallow their pride, and has no intention to. Their pride is the most valuable thing they have, and the only thing that’s important to them. They’re vain, and materialistic. And their claws come out when someone threatens to take away their crown or bruises their pride, or takes something away from them. This person has no problem retaliating and ruining people’s lives. They would set the world on fire if they could. In short, this person is the real life Cersei Lannister.
Virgo I had a little fun with. I had this character idea of a conservative woman that people over look, but is actually a very dangerous person. So I played with the name Virgo, and used Christian symbolism, but I also balanced it with gothic, and witchy aesthetics, and created a story. Virgo’s appearance is very conservative. She’s very critical, and is never in a good mood. But she’s a mason jar that’s been over stuffed with evil that’s about to explode. She’s trying to control these ghosts that stir in her, but every once in a while, when something tries her patience, she acts out. She does not like to be messy, though, so she berates herself afterwards. Virgo after dark is probably one of the very few in this series that has a story behind it. I just visualized a woman in Salem, trying to hide her craft, and being the perfect image of christian puritan woman, but everyone knows there is something dark behind that white lace.
Libra is the reason why I started this series. The most common complaint I’ve seen is that people were growing tired of libra being depicted as light-hearted and soft. So, because of this, I focused on the traits superficial, self-indulgent, and manipulative. Libra’s were also said to be introverts, so I came with the idea of a lone-wolf type. So this aesthetic is inspired by my interpretation of Druella Rosier, Bellatrix Lestrange’s mother. I’ve role played her before, so I was able to draw imagery into this that would relate to her. So Druella, or rather Libra, is a born-rich woman, who is smarter, wiser, and more cunning than people take her for. She doesnt want to live on the name of her father, but make her own name for herself. All her successes are her own. She’s a boss bitch. She gets shit things done alone, and doesn’t need help from others. Libra would destroy your life from the inside out, and it would be right under your nose.
Scorpio’s are my baes. I’ve never met a scorpio that I didn’t like. With that being said, Scorpio’s in a negative light are frightening. They’re very passionate, but because of that they can get obsessive, possessive, jealous, controlling, resentful, suspicious, and dominating. Other people cannot touch what is theirs. What’s worst, is that Scorpio’s are exceptionally mysterious when it comes to emotions and what they’re feeling, so you never really know what they’re thinking or feeling. Scorpio is really based off of every character I’ve ever fallen in love with but would be extremely bad for me. Scorpio after dark is the bad boy that isn’t good for you, and you should not want to be with, and will never change no matter how hard you try. They’ve really sexual, as well, which keys in with the possessive and dominant traits. We’re talking about a Christian Grey type character. But a well written version. Just to make an emphasis of how dangerous this type of person is; most serial killers are born in November, including Charles Manson.
Sagittarius was a bit hard, because the only one that I knew in my life that I didn’t like, did not embody any of the traits of a sagittarius at all, not even the good ones. They were just one blah of a person. But the other ones that I knew, I knew as very adventurous people. They weren’t in the same place for long. So I started to think of any negative traits they had, and that was carelessness and tactlessness. So I constructed a criminal, “dare devil”, type of character that lives outside the law and does what they please. They don’t care about getting hurt, and if something bad happens they just call it part of the journey. The carelessness comes with them not thinking things through, how that this person doesn’t consider how their actions and words could harm other people. They’re knowingly breaking laws and rules, but with their overconfidence, they believe they wont get caught.
Capricorns I’ve always seen as the masculine version of virgo, which already comes with implications. So I based Capricorn after a character who is a capricorn, and that’s Tom Riddle/Voldemort. Capricorn after dark is a malicious figure of power that resides behind the curtains. He is Oz, if Oz was a fascist or the leader of the illuminati. We’re talking about an individual that is dangerous on a global scale. He is both death and the devil, but sees himself as a god. Every chaotic event that’s ever took place in history has been carefully planned and executed by this person, and you have no idea. He is not sentimental, he is not empathetic, he gives zero fucks about anyone. His scale of morality doesn’t exist, he just wants control and power to the highest degree. The kick of it, he doesn’t have to be one person.
Aquarius is the most unique Zodiac. It’s an air sign that’s symbolized by water, for some reason. They’re the dreamers, but I call them airheads. Not because they’re stupid, but because they have thoughts of grander. So for my Aquarius, I brought back from my old series, Zodiac Signs as Protagonists, and put it in the negative. If there was any generation to relate Aquarius to, it would be millennials, because we were born and raised during the rise of the age of Aquarius. So really, this is based off of the negative aspects of my generation. Delusions of grander. Regretting nothing. Unwillingness to conform. Shooting for the stars, and landing in the sun. Aquarius after dark is a person that is a pariah of progressiveness, but they wear that with pride. They believe their views are the correct ones, their way of life is the best way, that everyone else are the insane ones, but at the same time question the vitality of those that begin to sway to their way of thinking. They do not conform, they do not want normalcy of a modern society. Often times they don’t have a job because they don’t want to contribute to capitalism (or rather that’s their excuse), and they are more likely to participate in riots and protests. They believe they are changing the world for the better, one brick at a cop car at a time, but they end up hurting the cause they’re trying to support.
Pisces was pretty simple. This is also another one based off of me. My moon is pisces, so I found this one easy to portray. Pisces and Aquarius are very different. While Aquarius is “woke”, Pisces is living in a willful delusion. They float through life with their eyes closed and disassociate from reality, and make no move to change, even if they live in a constant state of misery. I used drug imagery, because psychological drugs, or downers, allow you to escape from reality and your problems, and bring you into a surrealistic world where real world issues don’t exist. That’s why it’s so easy for someone to become addicted to drugs, because it’s a temporary solution to escape reality, rather than the permanent solution which would be death. Religion has also been used to ignore facts and things you do not want to accept. For example, the idea of heaven was created because people did not want to cope with the fact that one day they will be dead and none of it would have mattered.
107 notes
·
View notes
Text
A Fitness Pro’s Guide to Sexual Harassment
The fitness industry recently experienced its first major public #MeToo moment. While many folks were legitimately shocked, that shock did little more than shine a light on just how steeped our industry is in the culture of objectification and harassment of women. Based on nearly 15 years in this business, I can tell you it’s been a long time coming.
Yvette Guinevere d’Entremont (aka SciBabe) reported sexual harassment by Alan Aragon (yes, that Alan Aragon) at the Flexible Fitness & Nutrition Summit in late August. As Yvette described the incident in a Facebook post, Alan ran his fingers through her hair, pulled her in close, and whispered vulgar things into her ear. He did this repeatedly, she said, despite her strong objections, while he “had a grip on her and wouldn’t let her go,” all while several witnesses milled about close by. After she reported him to the conference organizers, he was removed from the event.
The day after the summit, Alan posted on Facebook about his battles with alcoholism. That’s when Yvette and others spoke up, publicly accusing him of varying degrees of sexually inappropriate behavior, from whispering vulgar things to having to forcefully push him out of their hotel room.
(One of those women was fitness and nutrition coach Carolina Belmares, a dear friend and colleague of mine who had privately told me about her harassment by Alan at a separate conference earlier this year.)
Alan later made a vague post (what Yvette called a “non-pology”) addressing Yvette and Carolina’s claims, but not in detail. Several of Alan’s devoted followers showed up to defend and minimize his behavior as they insulted Yvette and Carolina and questioned the veracity of their accounts.
He subsequently took down his Facebook page, but not after commenting in a private Facebook group that Yvette’s story was “a romance novel with plot holes.”
So, while this story may seem as if it’s about one man’s behavior, it’s actually about an entire culture, one that all fitness professionals are part of, including you. When 81 percent of all women (and 43 percent of all men) report experiencing some form of sexual harassment, there are no bystanders. Everyone has either felt it or witnessed it, and now all of us need to help end it.
As cofounder of Girls Gone Strong, my mission is to create environments that encourage people (especially women) to feel safe, welcome, and powerful while envisioning a hopeful future for themselves. Fitness is the vessel through which I carry out that mission.
But fitness industry culture also has a long history of encouraging not just masculinity but toxic masculinity, in which status is achieved through the representation of strength, power, and control. The logical extension of these hyper-masculine stereotypes is the idea that women exist to serve and please men. Thus, men are entitled to women’s time and attention.
This idea was taken to its absurd conclusion in 2016 by a notorious article titled “How to Talk to a Woman Wearing Headphones.” It inspired both lengthy responses (like this one from The Guardian) and viral memes.
My own version of that article would be a single word: Don’t.
The truth is, women in this industry have faced sexual harassment for a long time. As a public figure in the fitness space with the audacity to wear spandex online, I receive massive amounts of inappropriate comments on social media. Almost every female trainer I know gets unsolicited dick pics. Some get them every day.
And it’s not just the Internet trolls. It’s happening in brick-and-mortar gyms too. One female trainer I know worked at a gym where her male boss would tell her explicit details about his sex life, objectify female clients in front of her, and put his hands on female gymgoers to the point where at least one of them left the gym for good.
One female trainer told me about the time a male colleague shouted to her across the gym, “Yo, Becky! I see you over there in those yoga pants lookin’ good!” while they were both training clients. When she complained about his frequent advances and inappropriate comments, her (female) boss told her she should be happy he finds her attractive and ignore it.
The industry’s focus on physical appearance may make objectifying body-oriented comments seem okay. Needless to say, they’re not.
Plenty of you—men and women—want to make a change. I’ve been in touch with dozens of male fitness pros who’re speaking out against pervasive sexual harassment and a culture of acceptance in the fitness industry, including Dominic Matteo, James Fell, and Mark Fisher.
Many of them have also expressed regret at participating in that culture in some way, whether through sexist remarks, locker-room talk, not taking action when a woman told them she was harassed, or a general “boys will be boys” attitude. These are well-educated men who care about women. It shows how pervasive this type of culture can be, but also that we’re ready for change.
I recently posted this graphic of a pyramid on my Facebook page. At the bottom of the pyramid are the low-level offenses and seemingly innocuous behaviors, attitudes, and jokes you come across every day in gyms and online fitness communities. A little higher on the pyramid are things like catcalling, whistling, and unsolicited dick pics. Climb still higher and you see sexual coercion and groping, and at the peak are violence and rape.
Here’s the thing: Without those bottom levels of the pyramid, there’s no foundation for the upper levels to rest on. Eliminate the stuff at the bottom, and you also erase the stuff at the top.
That’s because the most violent, horrific acts of assault and harassment start with normalization, with brushing things off. Acknowledge that even minor sexist behaviors are not okay, and they won’t have a chance to escalate.
Fortunately, things going on today—both nationally and in the fitness world—present an opportunity for change. Women are speaking out, and men are supporting them. Men are stepping up, too. They’re willing to call out problematic behavior and begin to share some of the burden of raising awareness and creating change.
Systemic change can seem overwhelming. But if there’s one thing fitness pros know, it’s that we can change. Just as you take small steps on your fitness journey, small actions can make a difference. You can help eliminate the insidious parts of our culture that lead to harassment and assault. You can create an environment that helps your female clients and colleagues feel safer.
And you can start doing it today. Here’s how.
1. Post your gym’s anti-harassment policy
A woman I know told me about an older man at her gym who would put his arm around female gymgoers and make lewd comments while they would visibly shrink away. He did this in front of management, and in response to complaints, the gym staff would say, “Oh, just avoid Harold. That’s how he is.”
Is it any wonder why so many women don’t speak up at all? At best it feels futile, and at worst it’s terrifying.
I know one who left her gym after a male gymgoer joked about setting up cameras in the women’s showers. She felt so uneasy around him that she cancelled her membership without ever reporting him. This kind of thing happens more often than gym owners know.
Both situations, and dozens of others I’ve heard about or experienced, can be dealt with in a simple way: by posting your gym’s clear and unambiguous zero-tolerance attitude toward harassment. You have one, right? (If not, get on that.) When you do, you’ll make clients and staffers feel more comfortable speaking up.
Then—and this is really important—enforce those rules. Make sure employees understand they’ll be fired for breaking the rules, and customers understand their memberships will be revoked.
(If you’re looking for guidance on how to create an anti-harassment policy, Girls Gone Strong is currently finalizing a free five-day course for fitness professionals on sexual harassment and assault. You can register for free here.)
2. Ask before you touch
Some trainers like to manually cue a client to guide her through an exercise. I get that. But you need to explain it up front, and say something like this:
“Many of my clients find it helpful when I cue them with my hands. For example, I may put my hands on your upper back to remind you to pull your shoulder blades together. Is that okay? I’ll let you know before I do it. And if it’s ever not okay, let me know.”
Make it clear that she can revoke her consent at any time.
This simple act not only makes your clients more comfortable, it helps establish consent as a prerequisite for touch. If you want the members at your gym to keep their hands to themselves, you need to lead by example and show respect first.
3. Demonstrate new moves
If you’re asking a client to do a glute bridge, to pick one obvious example, you should do it first so she can see what it looks like. Then say, “I’d like you to try it if you feel comfortable.”
Also be considerate of your location in the gym and how your client feels. She may or may not be okay with doing squats or hip thrusts in the middle of the gym floor, or supine exercises in crowded areas. Check in and ask what she prefers. If she doesn’t feel comfortable, look for a spot near a wall, or even in a separate space, if that’s an option.
4. Be mindful of your body
While you’re focusing on your client’s form, be aware of your own position too. Most of the time, you want to be at her side, not her front or back. You also want to stand or kneel so you’re at her level. If your client agrees to do that glute bridge, for example, kneel on the floor next to her, rather than standing over her. But if she’s doing a Romanian deadlift, stand up.
If you must check your client’s form from the front or rear, let her know what you’re doing, and make it brief: “Hey, I’m going to check real quick to make sure your hips are level.”
5. Comment on her achievements, not her body
Positive feedback can be motivating. Just be sure to frame your compliments in a non-objectifying way.
If your client wants to lose fat, compliment her progress by highlighting measurable results, like her lower body-fat percentage or how many inches she’s lost. Stay away from remarks about body parts (“Your stomach is so much tighter!”), and from compliments that focus on appearance (“Lookin’ good!”).
And remember: Not all women come to the gym to lose fat. If your client’s goal is to improve her deadlift, that’s what you focus on. Always align your compliments with your client’s goals.
6. Watch your language
Words matter. Terms like “bitch” and “pussy” get thrown around in fitness circles all the time. But these degrading words are inherently female. If you think that doesn’t feed sexism, you’re kidding yourself. Strike these words from your vocabulary. Personally, I prefer the nongendered “asshole.” It gets the point across.
While you’re at it, strike the word “rape” too. Unless of course, you’re talking about actual rape. But “I just got raped by that last set”? No. No, you did not.
7. Listen more, talk less
If someone confides in you that she was harassed, ask how you can support her. Hold your questions for later.
And please, don’t try to normalize, minimize, or excuse the situation.
Jennifer Lau, a Nike master trainer, shared a story on Instagram of a client who called her into the washroom to take “progress measurements,” only for her to discover him there totally naked. When she told her coworkers about it, they laughed and asked for more details on the client’s physique.
Don’t put the blame on her. Don’t try to suggest how she should have reacted, or tell her what you would have done differently in her situation. There may be a time and place for reflection, but it may not be with you, and that’s okay. In this moment, the only reason to open your mouth is to ask how you can help.
In fact, that’s a pretty solid and universal guideline for almost any harassment situation: Offer help first, and figure out the details later.
For more information and action steps you can take to help stop sexual harassment and assault in the fitness industry, click here to check out Girls Gone Strong’s free five-day course.
The post A Fitness Pro’s Guide to Sexual Harassment appeared first on The PTDC.
A Fitness Pro’s Guide to Sexual Harassment published first on https://medium.com/@MyDietArea
0 notes
Text
A Fitness Pro’s Guide to Sexual Harassment
The fitness industry recently experienced its first major public #MeToo moment. While many folks were legitimately shocked, that shock did little more than shine a light on just how steeped our industry is in the culture of objectification and harassment of women. Based on nearly 15 years in this business, I can tell you it’s been a long time coming.
Yvette Guinevere d’Entremont (aka SciBabe) reported sexual harassment by Alan Aragon (yes, that Alan Aragon) at the Flexible Fitness & Nutrition Summit in late August. As Yvette described the incident in a Facebook post, Alan ran his fingers through her hair, pulled her in close, and whispered vulgar things into her ear. He did this repeatedly, she said, despite her strong objections, while he “had a grip on her and wouldn’t let her go,” all while several witnesses milled about close by. After she reported him to the conference organizers, he was removed from the event.
The day after the summit, Alan posted on Facebook about his battles with alcoholism. That’s when Yvette and others spoke up, publicly accusing him of varying degrees of sexually inappropriate behavior, from whispering vulgar things to having to forcefully push him out of their hotel room.
(One of those women was fitness and nutrition coach Carolina Belmares, a dear friend and colleague of mine who had privately told me about her harassment by Alan at a separate conference earlier this year.)
Alan later made a vague post (what Yvette called a “non-pology”) addressing Yvette and Carolina’s claims, but not in detail. Several of Alan’s devoted followers showed up to defend and minimize his behavior as they insulted Yvette and Carolina and questioned the veracity of their accounts.
He subsequently took down his Facebook page, but not after commenting in a private Facebook group that Yvette’s story was “a romance novel with plot holes.”
So, while this story may seem as if it’s about one man’s behavior, it’s actually about an entire culture, one that all fitness professionals are part of, including you. When 81 percent of all women (and 43 percent of all men) report experiencing some form of sexual harassment, there are no bystanders. Everyone has either felt it or witnessed it, and now all of us need to help end it.
As cofounder of Girls Gone Strong, my mission is to create environments that encourage people (especially women) to feel safe, welcome, and powerful while envisioning a hopeful future for themselves. Fitness is the vessel through which I carry out that mission.
But fitness industry culture also has a long history of encouraging not just masculinity but toxic masculinity, in which status is achieved through the representation of strength, power, and control. The logical extension of these hyper-masculine stereotypes is the idea that women exist to serve and please men. Thus, men are entitled to women’s time and attention.
This idea was taken to its absurd conclusion in 2016 by a notorious article titled “How to Talk to a Woman Wearing Headphones.” It inspired both lengthy responses (like this one from The Guardian) and viral memes.
My own version of that article would be a single word: Don’t.
The truth is, women in this industry have faced sexual harassment for a long time. As a public figure in the fitness space with the audacity to wear spandex online, I receive massive amounts of inappropriate comments on social media. Almost every female trainer I know gets unsolicited dick pics. Some get them every day.
And it’s not just the Internet trolls. It’s happening in brick-and-mortar gyms too. One female trainer I know worked at a gym where her male boss would tell her explicit details about his sex life, objectify female clients in front of her, and put his hands on female gymgoers to the point where at least one of them left the gym for good.
One female trainer told me about the time a male colleague shouted to her across the gym, “Yo, Becky! I see you over there in those yoga pants lookin’ good!” while they were both training clients. When she complained about his frequent advances and inappropriate comments, her (female) boss told her she should be happy he finds her attractive and ignore it.
The industry’s focus on physical appearance may make objectifying body-oriented comments seem okay. Needless to say, they’re not.
Plenty of you—men and women—want to make a change. I’ve been in touch with dozens of male fitness pros who’re speaking out against pervasive sexual harassment and a culture of acceptance in the fitness industry, including Dominic Matteo, James Fell, and Mark Fisher.
Many of them have also expressed regret at participating in that culture in some way, whether through sexist remarks, locker-room talk, not taking action when a woman told them she was harassed, or a general “boys will be boys” attitude. These are well-educated men who care about women. It shows how pervasive this type of culture can be, but also that we’re ready for change.
I recently posted this graphic of a pyramid on my Facebook page. At the bottom of the pyramid are the low-level offenses and seemingly innocuous behaviors, attitudes, and jokes you come across every day in gyms and online fitness communities. A little higher on the pyramid are things like catcalling, whistling, and unsolicited dick pics. Climb still higher and you see sexual coercion and groping, and at the peak are violence and rape.
Here’s the thing: Without those bottom levels of the pyramid, there’s no foundation for the upper levels to rest on. Eliminate the stuff at the bottom, and you also erase the stuff at the top.
That’s because the most violent, horrific acts of assault and harassment start with normalization, with brushing things off. Acknowledge that even minor sexist behaviors are not okay, and they won’t have a chance to escalate.
Fortunately, things going on today—both nationally and in the fitness world—present an opportunity for change. Women are speaking out, and men are supporting them. Men are stepping up, too. They’re willing to call out problematic behavior and begin to share some of the burden of raising awareness and creating change.
Systemic change can seem overwhelming. But if there’s one thing fitness pros know, it’s that we can change. Just as you take small steps on your fitness journey, small actions can make a difference. You can help eliminate the insidious parts of our culture that lead to harassment and assault. You can create an environment that helps your female clients and colleagues feel safer.
And you can start doing it today. Here’s how.
1. Post your gym’s anti-harassment policy
A woman I know told me about an older man at her gym who would put his arm around female gymgoers and make lewd comments while they would visibly shrink away. He did this in front of management, and in response to complaints, the gym staff would say, “Oh, just avoid Harold. That’s how he is.”
Is it any wonder why so many women don’t speak up at all? At best it feels futile, and at worst it’s terrifying.
I know one who left her gym after a male gymgoer joked about setting up cameras in the women’s showers. She felt so uneasy around him that she cancelled her membership without ever reporting him. This kind of thing happens more often than gym owners know.
Both situations, and dozens of others I’ve heard about or experienced, can be dealt with in a simple way: by posting your gym’s clear and unambiguous zero-tolerance attitude toward harassment. You have one, right? (If not, get on that.) When you do, you’ll make clients and staffers feel more comfortable speaking up.
Then—and this is really important—enforce those rules. Make sure employees understand they’ll be fired for breaking the rules, and customers understand their memberships will be revoked.
(If you’re looking for guidance on how to create an anti-harassment policy, Girls Gone Strong is currently finalizing a free five-day course for fitness professionals on sexual harassment and assault. You can register for free here.)
2. Ask before you touch
Some trainers like to manually cue a client to guide her through an exercise. I get that. But you need to explain it up front, and say something like this:
“Many of my clients find it helpful when I cue them with my hands. For example, I may put my hands on your upper back to remind you to pull your shoulder blades together. Is that okay? I’ll let you know before I do it. And if it’s ever not okay, let me know.”
Make it clear that she can revoke her consent at any time.
This simple act not only makes your clients more comfortable, it helps establish consent as a prerequisite for touch. If you want the members at your gym to keep their hands to themselves, you need to lead by example and show respect first.
3. Demonstrate new moves
If you’re asking a client to do a glute bridge, to pick one obvious example, you should do it first so she can see what it looks like. Then say, “I’d like you to try it if you feel comfortable.”
Also be considerate of your location in the gym and how your client feels. She may or may not be okay with doing squats or hip thrusts in the middle of the gym floor, or supine exercises in crowded areas. Check in and ask what she prefers. If she doesn’t feel comfortable, look for a spot near a wall, or even in a separate space, if that’s an option.
4. Be mindful of your body
While you’re focusing on your client’s form, be aware of your own position too. Most of the time, you want to be at her side, not her front or back. You also want to stand or kneel so you’re at her level. If your client agrees to do that glute bridge, for example, kneel on the floor next to her, rather than standing over her. But if she’s doing a Romanian deadlift, stand up.
If you must check your client’s form from the front or rear, let her know what you’re doing, and make it brief: “Hey, I’m going to check real quick to make sure your hips are level.”
5. Comment on her achievements, not her body
Positive feedback can be motivating. Just be sure to frame your compliments in a non-objectifying way.
If your client wants to lose fat, compliment her progress by highlighting measurable results, like her lower body-fat percentage or how many inches she’s lost. Stay away from remarks about body parts (“Your stomach is so much tighter!”), and from compliments that focus on appearance (“Lookin’ good!”).
And remember: Not all women come to the gym to lose fat. If your client’s goal is to improve her deadlift, that’s what you focus on. Always align your compliments with your client’s goals.
6. Watch your language
Words matter. Terms like “bitch” and “pussy” get thrown around in fitness circles all the time. But these degrading words are inherently female. If you think that doesn’t feed sexism, you’re kidding yourself. Strike these words from your vocabulary. Personally, I prefer the nongendered “asshole.” It gets the point across.
While you’re at it, strike the word “rape” too. Unless of course, you’re talking about actual rape. But “I just got raped by that last set”? No. No, you did not.
7. Listen more, talk less
If someone confides in you that she was harassed, ask how you can support her. Hold your questions for later.
And please, don’t try to normalize, minimize, or excuse the situation.
Jennifer Lau, a Nike master trainer, shared a story on Instagram of a client who called her into the washroom to take “progress measurements,” only for her to discover him there totally naked. When she told her coworkers about it, they laughed and asked for more details on the client’s physique.
Don’t put the blame on her. Don’t try to suggest how she should have reacted, or tell her what you would have done differently in her situation. There may be a time and place for reflection, but it may not be with you, and that’s okay. In this moment, the only reason to open your mouth is to ask how you can help.
In fact, that’s a pretty solid and universal guideline for almost any harassment situation: Offer help first, and figure out the details later.
For more information and action steps you can take to help stop sexual harassment and assault in the fitness industry, click here to check out Girls Gone Strong’s free five-day course.
The post A Fitness Pro’s Guide to Sexual Harassment appeared first on The PTDC.
A Fitness Pro’s Guide to Sexual Harassment published first on https://onezeroonesarms.tumblr.com/
0 notes
Text
Notes from the Underbelly
On my introversion...Well, first off, I feel I must insert the disclaimer that I am treating this blog as parts of my autobiographic manuscript, a loner’s manifesto of sorts. Four years ago, I had a blog here and a surprising amount of followers. Today, I don’t care if anyone sees this, well maybe one or two daring souls because feedback is sometimes nice. I will have to learn how to correct my typos and add flair later but for now, it’s 2 am and I’m on what I call, “manic menstruation mode,” it’s where I can’t sleep and often have rapid cycling thoughts, sometimes scribomania (example being here).
I recently realized a month ago that I am avoidant of people. I hide if I hear my neighbors opening their door at the same time or walking down the hall. There is an urgency in me to not be seen. I think it stemmed from hiding from my Father during his famous rages. He was one for emotional cannibalism and I was trimmed of all the fat I could give. The image of young Jenny from Forest Gump (minus the molesty part) was me. There was no incest but what took it’s place was an emotional predatory incest (a family that fed on itself). I was always on the lookout, always dodging, always in trouble and made like a tree, with no sudden moves.
I realized that I’m hiding from the world because it was ingrained in me that I was not safe in it. I must be a cataclysmic, walking catastrophe with orbs of negative energy encircling my aura. Well, at least that what the education my Father ushered into my life. I try to connect if it’s that I feel that I should not receive attention or acknowledgement because I reside in the shadows where I was appointed. My neighbors to the left of me violate a lot of the home association’s rules and the main lady of the house would bug eyed gawk at me. She has a mole on her chin that most would depict on a witch. She scared me once in the laundry room when she appeared, silent as desertion, glaring and moving her head in an orbital half rotation, like adjusting the aperture on your camera she zoomed in on me and freaked me the fuck out. The whole family walks as if you live in their dominion. The Dad would pollute his cigarettes like confetti and leave openings for non residents to sneak into the property (I live parallel to an alley with a lot of drug activity and schizo’s doing tae kwon do to the wind and banshee shouting their ails). One day the lady’s granddaughter left a non sensical note on my door and I showed it to the lady. She then ordered the girl in, with no time off for redeemed behavior (little girl vandalizes and has a booming boy voice that’s never ends). That was when the family backed off from me, because now they figured, I had something on them, confirmed. All their suspicious, hyper vigilant paranoid gazes now stopped but after all that, I still avoid seeing them again and I race to the elevator every time a neighbor parks at the same time I do. I’m a single person, surrounding by these rule breaking thugs who stuff immigrant family members in their house like a Christmas stocking and ride the Welfare system, with continuos hand outs and pay a rent of 1/4 of mine for a 2-3 bedroom because they have a family size of +1 !!!
Anyway, this plays into my attachment style too. I have a “pre-occupied,” attachment style. I’m not sure what that means. I interpret it to mean that I usually see myself through the eyes of someone else (my therapist calls this co-dependent). I’m also a therapist and say, no, while I do have co-dependent traits, I don’t enable behaviors and don’t exist for other people, even though the servitude I was force nominated into (with being caretaker to my Mom who is in a toxic masculinity relationship, to which it became physically abusive) would tell you otherwise. Maybe I was primed this way and it gives me a special skill set to work and serve the underserved and wounded but since career takes up the same amount or more of your sleep life, wouldn’t that be a set up for someone like me to date and attract client like material? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a consumer to mental health myself. I would like to eliminate the use of the word, “disorder,” and replace it with something more accurate like, “Hey, change your neuroplasticity and you’re good to go!” or deficit, deviate _x_ amount of degrees to left on negative side of spectrum (well there’s that word, negative). I don’t know, I can only speak for myself and it does’t sit well with me to be, “disordered.” It reminds me of musical chairs, fun game sifting and shifting and sorting through a line up of people, till the seat is pulled from under you and now you have added the disorder, when the system involved chaos.
Either way, this is not to identify myself as a victim. I noticed that when people leave (like in a job) and they were one of the many people that I could connect with on a deeper level, I suffer the loss. I actually mourn them. The landscape changes and suddenly, my job becomes something I’m reporting to instead of engaging in. I don’t take well to change but change has it’s way of making you adapt, whether you’re ready to or not. This is another reason I hide. The people that instilled life in me took off and so I feel abandoned for something better and I feel empty, not as filled as when they graced the campus with their presence. I work on de-personalizing things and de-sensitizing myself. I’m afraid I don’t have it down to a science yet. I operate in two extremes, 1) You’re in my line of view or 2) You’re not. I guess that can sound arrogant, cold or detached but I’m none of those things. On the contrary, if I like you, I can exude too much, I can be too giving and attentive and devote and it can be off-putting. Once I have tried in relationships to the point of where the person amputated my feelings for them, I can’t come back. For example, if I give people, “another shot and then another... well one of us ends up metaphorically dead.” As in my romantic relationships. Once I tired and gave it my all and the person activates on the cycle of insanity (dong the same thing over and over, expecting different results), I may still love them but it’s an altered love, a frugal one that used to see the as a full and bright picture and now they are dimmed and dusty. I don’t like this in me. Like a Borderline, I can idealize and devalue a person. It just goes back to my boundary and limit setting. If I’ve put in too much effort an practically carried the relationship, I might build resentment so week one of, “trying to work things out, a.k.a the end times,” might have me making up excuses for their behavior, softening up their unaccountability and putting in the work to land at solutions. Week 2 or 3 rolls around and I lose interest (thanks AD/HD) and feel almost taken advantage of, victimized because my efforts were not enough to prevent the relationship from suffering. I attribute this thinking pattern to the role my Mom put me in. From the age of 14 to 17, she vented and justified my Dad’s abusive behavior, I would sing her praises and raise her self esteem to where it should have been, only to her going straight back to him after all the work I put in (yes, I was parentified). Here was a women, eldest of 8 children who incessantly complained of a robbed childhood, doing the same to her daughter. SO yes! I have issues with trusting women because like my Mother, many girls who confided in me repeated similar patterns and I just dropped the drama entirely. I hide from girls now. I was raised with two brothers. My older brother raised me and I raised my younger one because t.v. took precedence to everything for my Dad who was supposed to be watching us while his wife worked two jobs to sustain her suburban life with her material possessions.
Because my older brother was funny, drew, liked Legos, He-Man, GI Joe, Thundercats and all things cool, I confided in him. I even jumped in his bed when I couldn’t sleep (Star Wars sheets). I idolized him. He was protective over me (we had neighbor boys and I had the biggest crush on the one that was his best friend). The one that was my age came off as a sissy and was babied by his Mom who wanted a girl but stopped attempted after 3 boys. I loved my older brother. People thought we were twins, like, “Escape to Witch Mountain.” He was alpha. He had the toys, he had the baseball cards to trade and the Lacoste shirts to tote. The boys flocked to him and I was in there with that cluster. Boys haze you. I was hazed into being accepted into their group and they would give me the girl figurines even though I really liked Boba Fett. I had to watch some chubster get to play with him, while I got Scarlett or Teela (of whom my brother ironed off her tits for some reason). In this sense, I became alpha, as a female within groups of alpha men or what they would coin, “One of the boys.”
My younger brother, consequently had the misfortune of having to succumb to being beta (being 8 years younger than my older brother). Now, my younger brother could kick my older brother’s ass. He’s like cross fit craze buff and he emerged as a strong, silent type. A lot of my care giving and maternal side comes from my interactions with my kid bro. Subsequently, this rolled into my relationships too. I am in the middle, always, odd one out. I can be with an alpha but they can be the meathead variety or I can go for a nerd beta, who’s muscles are literally atrophying and complain when a grocery bag is a scotch over 10 lbs. Ideally, a glance would be both, right? We are supposed to exercise our female and males sides but how often do you come across that in society? So what am I attracted to? Anomalies, misfits, people at a house party not wanting to be there as much as I don’t, rebels, freedom fighters, civil justice warriors, hippies, etc. That is just the personality base, there is the looks factor and intellect and humor and ability to be emotionally intelligent and literate. Yeh, basically, a unicorn. Interestingly, I feel like a unicorn so I’m sure my tribe is out there. A lot of posers and people passing off things as, “love,” “honesty,” etc. So, I acquiesce. I stay in a fortitude of solitude. I don’t see it as hiding, and not necessarily avoidant. I see it as, I gave you air time, you gave me an impression and vice versa. I only dip/duck when someone has hurt me or shown themselves to be someone I can’t respect. Even then, I’m polite. The conundrum I’m in is that I don’t like to be so visible but sometimes, I want to be seen and sometimes it can be one right person and sometimes any contact can fill in and it’s right. I do feel exposed and I guess I feel the world is not a safe place. I’m trying to connect the dots between my fear and what lies underneath it. Like an introvert, being around people depletes my energy and then I have to recover on my own. Sometimes it’s because they are takers and sometimes I just need to raise my vibrations around people I am grounded with (that’s about 3 people I know and one lives in Sonoma, the other 2 came to mind but are probably best left in the past) so that leaves me and this is why I am a lone wolf. I have a low threshold/tolerance for bullshit and I read energies and see behavior and experience it and well, I instead flee and that’s my way of dealing with it.
0 notes
Text
A Fitness Pro’s Guide to Sexual Harassment
The fitness industry recently experienced its first major public #MeToo moment. While many folks were legitimately shocked, that shock did little more than shine a light on just how steeped our industry is in the culture of objectification and harassment of women. Based on nearly 15 years in this business, I can tell you it’s been a long time coming.
Yvette Guinevere d’Entremont (aka SciBabe) reported sexual harassment by Alan Aragon (yes, that Alan Aragon) at the Flexible Fitness & Nutrition Summit in late August. As Yvette described the incident in a Facebook post, Alan ran his fingers through her hair, pulled her in close, and whispered vulgar things into her ear. He did this repeatedly, she said, despite her strong objections, while he “had a grip on her and wouldn’t let her go,” all while several witnesses milled about close by. After she reported him to the conference organizers, he was removed from the event.
The day after the summit, Alan posted on Facebook about his battles with alcoholism. That’s when Yvette and others spoke up, publicly accusing him of varying degrees of sexually inappropriate behavior, from whispering vulgar things to having to forcefully push him out of their hotel room.
(One of those women was fitness and nutrition coach Carolina Belmares, a dear friend and colleague of mine who had privately told me about her harassment by Alan at a separate conference earlier this year.)
Alan later made a vague post (what Yvette called a “non-pology”) addressing Yvette and Carolina’s claims, but not in detail. Several of Alan’s devoted followers showed up to defend and minimize his behavior as they insulted Yvette and Carolina and questioned the veracity of their accounts.
He subsequently took down his Facebook page, but not after commenting in a private Facebook group that Yvette’s story was “a romance novel with plot holes.”
So, while this story may seem as if it’s about one man’s behavior, it’s actually about an entire culture, one that all fitness professionals are part of, including you. When 81 percent of all women (and 43 percent of all men) report experiencing some form of sexual harassment, there are no bystanders. Everyone has either felt it or witnessed it, and now all of us need to help end it.
As cofounder of Girls Gone Strong, my mission is to create environments that encourage people (especially women) to feel safe, welcome, and powerful while envisioning a hopeful future for themselves. Fitness is the vessel through which I carry out that mission.
But fitness industry culture also has a long history of encouraging not just masculinity but toxic masculinity, in which status is achieved through the representation of strength, power, and control. The logical extension of these hyper-masculine stereotypes is the idea that women exist to serve and please men. Thus, men are entitled to women’s time and attention.
This idea was taken to its absurd conclusion in 2016 by a notorious article titled “How to Talk to a Woman Wearing Headphones.” It inspired both lengthy responses (like this one from The Guardian) and viral memes.
My own version of that article would be a single word: Don’t.
The truth is, women in this industry have faced sexual harassment for a long time. As a public figure in the fitness space with the audacity to wear spandex online, I receive massive amounts of inappropriate comments on social media. Almost every female trainer I know gets unsolicited dick pics. Some get them every day.
And it’s not just the Internet trolls. It’s happening in brick-and-mortar gyms too. One female trainer I know worked at a gym where her male boss would tell her explicit details about his sex life, objectify female clients in front of her, and put his hands on female gymgoers to the point where at least one of them left the gym for good.
One female trainer told me about the time a male colleague shouted to her across the gym, “Yo, Becky! I see you over there in those yoga pants lookin’ good!” while they were both training clients. When she complained about his frequent advances and inappropriate comments, her (female) boss told her she should be happy he finds her attractive and ignore it.
The industry’s focus on physical appearance may make objectifying body-oriented comments seem okay. Needless to say, they’re not.
Plenty of you—men and women—want to make a change. I’ve been in touch with dozens of male fitness pros who’re speaking out against pervasive sexual harassment and a culture of acceptance in the fitness industry, including Dominic Matteo, James Fell, and Mark Fisher.
Many of them have also expressed regret at participating in that culture in some way, whether through sexist remarks, locker-room talk, not taking action when a woman told them she was harassed, or a general “boys will be boys” attitude. These are well-educated men who care about women. It shows how pervasive this type of culture can be, but also that we’re ready for change.
I recently posted this graphic of a pyramid on my Facebook page. At the bottom of the pyramid are the low-level offenses and seemingly innocuous behaviors, attitudes, and jokes you come across every day in gyms and online fitness communities. A little higher on the pyramid are things like catcalling, whistling, and unsolicited dick pics. Climb still higher and you see sexual coercion and groping, and at the peak are violence and rape.
Here’s the thing: Without those bottom levels of the pyramid, there’s no foundation for the upper levels to rest on. Eliminate the stuff at the bottom, and you also erase the stuff at the top.
That’s because the most violent, horrific acts of assault and harassment start with normalization, with brushing things off. Acknowledge that even minor sexist behaviors are not okay, and they won’t have a chance to escalate.
Fortunately, things going on today—both nationally and in the fitness world—present an opportunity for change. Women are speaking out, and men are supporting them. Men are stepping up, too. They’re willing to call out problematic behavior and begin to share some of the burden of raising awareness and creating change.
Systemic change can seem overwhelming. But if there’s one thing fitness pros know, it’s that we can change. Just as you take small steps on your fitness journey, small actions can make a difference. You can help eliminate the insidious parts of our culture that lead to harassment and assault. You can create an environment that helps your female clients and colleagues feel safer.
And you can start doing it today. Here’s how.
1. Post your gym’s anti-harassment policy
A woman I know told me about an older man at her gym who would put his arm around female gymgoers and make lewd comments while they would visibly shrink away. He did this in front of management, and in response to complaints, the gym staff would say, “Oh, just avoid Harold. That’s how he is.”
Is it any wonder why so many women don’t speak up at all? At best it feels futile, and at worst it’s terrifying.
I know one who left her gym after a male gymgoer joked about setting up cameras in the women’s showers. She felt so uneasy around him that she cancelled her membership without ever reporting him. This kind of thing happens more often than gym owners know.
Both situations, and dozens of others I’ve heard about or experienced, can be dealt with in a simple way: by posting your gym’s clear and unambiguous zero-tolerance attitude toward harassment. You have one, right? (If not, get on that.) When you do, you’ll make clients and staffers feel more comfortable speaking up.
Then—and this is really important—enforce those rules. Make sure employees understand they’ll be fired for breaking the rules, and customers understand their memberships will be revoked.
(If you’re looking for guidance on how to create an anti-harassment policy, Girls Gone Strong is currently finalizing a free five-day course for fitness professionals on sexual harassment and assault. You can register for free here.)
2. Ask before you touch
Some trainers like to manually cue a client to guide her through an exercise. I get that. But you need to explain it up front, and say something like this:
“Many of my clients find it helpful when I cue them with my hands. For example, I may put my hands on your upper back to remind you to pull your shoulder blades together. Is that okay? I’ll let you know before I do it. And if it’s ever not okay, let me know.”
Make it clear that she can revoke her consent at any time.
This simple act not only makes your clients more comfortable, it helps establish consent as a prerequisite for touch. If you want the members at your gym to keep their hands to themselves, you need to lead by example and show respect first.
3. Demonstrate new moves
If you’re asking a client to do a glute bridge, to pick one obvious example, you should do it first so she can see what it looks like. Then say, “I’d like you to try it if you feel comfortable.”
Also be considerate of your location in the gym and how your client feels. She may or may not be okay with doing squats or hip thrusts in the middle of the gym floor, or supine exercises in crowded areas. Check in and ask what she prefers. If she doesn’t feel comfortable, look for a spot near a wall, or even in a separate space, if that’s an option.
4. Be mindful of your body
While you’re focusing on your client’s form, be aware of your own position too. Most of the time, you want to be at her side, not her front or back. You also want to stand or kneel so you’re at her level. If your client agrees to do that glute bridge, for example, kneel on the floor next to her, rather than standing over her. But if she’s doing a Romanian deadlift, stand up.
If you must check your client’s form from the front or rear, let her know what you’re doing, and make it brief: “Hey, I’m going to check real quick to make sure your hips are level.”
5. Comment on her achievements, not her body
Positive feedback can be motivating. Just be sure to frame your compliments in a non-objectifying way.
If your client wants to lose fat, compliment her progress by highlighting measurable results, like her lower body-fat percentage or how many inches she’s lost. Stay away from remarks about body parts (“Your stomach is so much tighter!”), and from compliments that focus on appearance (“Lookin’ good!”).
And remember: Not all women come to the gym to lose fat. If your client’s goal is to improve her deadlift, that’s what you focus on. Always align your compliments with your client’s goals.
6. Watch your language
Words matter. Terms like “bitch” and “pussy” get thrown around in fitness circles all the time. But these degrading words are inherently female. If you think that doesn’t feed sexism, you’re kidding yourself. Strike these words from your vocabulary. Personally, I prefer the nongendered “asshole.” It gets the point across.
While you’re at it, strike the word “rape” too. Unless of course, you’re talking about actual rape. But “I just got raped by that last set”? No. No, you did not.
7. Listen more, talk less
If someone confides in you that she was harassed, ask how you can support her. Hold your questions for later.
And please, don’t try to normalize, minimize, or excuse the situation.
Jennifer Lau, a Nike master trainer, shared a story on Instagram of a client who called her into the washroom to take “progress measurements,” only for her to discover him there totally naked. When she told her coworkers about it, they laughed and asked for more details on the client’s physique.
Don’t put the blame on her. Don’t try to suggest how she should have reacted, or tell her what you would have done differently in her situation. There may be a time and place for reflection, but it may not be with you, and that’s okay. In this moment, the only reason to open your mouth is to ask how you can help.
In fact, that’s a pretty solid and universal guideline for almost any harassment situation: Offer help first, and figure out the details later.
For more information and action steps you can take to help stop sexual harassment and assault in the fitness industry, click here to check out Girls Gone Strong’s free five-day course.
The post A Fitness Pro’s Guide to Sexual Harassment appeared first on The PTDC.
A Fitness Pro’s Guide to Sexual Harassment published first on https://medium.com/@MyDietArea
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
himbo-prince
Sic Parvis Magna
minhaestantedefilmes
It's All About Movies
neopolitangumdrops
The Pioneer of Ice Cream
colormeblind
Art & Stuff
shrunkyclunksbang
2022 Shrunkyclunks Bang