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#like im sorry but WHY would steve ever let bucky be tortured at the same time when he can save him and don’t you dare pull that iT wOuLd +
seabass17 · 3 years
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All that’s left | Bucky Barnes
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader
A/n: This is my first time writing something based on a video I found on TikTok, it’s not exactly the same, but it is kinda the idea. I hope you like it and please let me know if you might want a part two. Also, I apologize if you find some errors, im doing my best since English is not my first language. Anyway, happy reading!!
All that’s left masterlist
Pt. 2
Warnings: angst, mentions of injuries (broken ribs, cuts, dislocated shoulder)
Word count: 2.5K
Summary: She still can’t get used to the feeling of being left behind by the people she once called family. After being hurt, she decides that she will give them a chance, and when they failed, she then makes the decision to disappear and start brand new. Of course, she leaves a letter that will left the team standing in the dark, and with more questions than answers about a lot of things, while discovering that she has more of one past that she let to know.
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The sound of the rain hitting against the window of my living room was the only thing that could be heard in the silence of my apartment. I looked over my desk where the paper is waiting for me to pick up the pen and get this over with, but somehow, somewhere deep inside of me, a part is waiting, holding on to the smallest of hope that maybe, just maybe, he is going to come knocking to my door asking why the i haven’t showed up to the compound for the last three days, or why i didn’t text nor call the rest of the team. I wanted to see if they would notice my absence so I left the compound on Thursday. I got the answer to my question when Sunday arrived and my inbox was clear; no one noticed. Today is Tuesday, my apartment is thirteen minutes away, fifthteen if you literally fly or speed up, but still, no one came or text.
To be honest, I'm not surprised, that doesn’t mean it hurts less though. I know i should probably think this through instead of making the impulse decision of grabbing my things and get the hell out of here, going somewhere i can start fresh, somewhere i can start over and get a chance to get over all the things that happened,  find people that actually cared for me, or maybe not finding anyone at all and die alone.
I stand up from my bed and go to my desk, it’s time to get this over with. I start writing the only thing that they get to keep.
“Dear Avengers, You’re probably wondering where I am, or you just don’t care, maybe you don’t even find this. If someone from the building finds this, keep it in case they ever come looking for me; thank you. So, this is it, this is my goodbye. You should consider yourselves lucky, given the fact that none of you even deserves a goodbye because you are the ones causing it. I could tell you the reason why I'm leaving, and you know what, I will tell you. I chose to trust you. The one thing I feared the most was trusting people, but when I joined the team, I thought ‘well, maybe i can trust them, they are my team’, guess what, I was wrong. You should really look out for your teammates Stark, oh, and by the way, you might want to look deeper into why the operation that saved those 30 civilians on may 20, didn’t go south, you might even discover its the very same reason of why i didn’t showed up in the compound for a week, yeah, they were busy torturing the information out of me for a week; information that, by the way, i didn't give, hence why the operation went great. Something even more funny, is that behind every mistake, every wrong that each one of you have ever done, I’m the one that suffered the consequences. Don’t believe me? Then you might want to do your homework, because dear teammates, I’m the one you couldn’t protect. By the time you find out the things you’ve done, I will be long gone. I'm very good at disappearing, Natasha (once she figures it out) can confirm that. I wish things would be different and we could be… family, but that’s never going to happen; not anymore. As of now, there will be no record of my name ever existing, everything that once belonged to me, will be burned, and as of me, well, I am no one.”
I fold the piece of paper and put it in the envelope, once sealed, I write down the word my name in the center so they know. I take a last look at my apartment. Everything is intact, the furniture that came with it is the same as always, the only thing different is that it seems empty without all my belongings. I grabbed my luggage and exited the apartment and then went downstairs.
“Hey Richard”  I say to the man that is in the reception like I always do
“Hey miss, what can I do for you?”
“Well, I'm leaving, for good. If someone comes asking for me, my friends, you tell them that you haven’t seen me. Oh, I left a letter for them upstairs, could you please make sure that it gets to them? Only if the show up, do not sent it”
He looked at me a little sad and confused.
“Oh, well, you will me missed miss, I hope you find happiness and yes, i promised i will make sure they get your letter”
“Thank you Richard, for everything, oh, and this is for you” I handed him an envelope with some cash. He looked like he was about to say something about how he couldn’t accept it but I cut him off. “Please, just take it, please”. He sighs but takes the envelope.
“Thank you miss…”
I smiled at him and then turned around to grab a cab. I'm supposed to be in the airport in 30 minutes. Once in the airport, the only thing left is to start again, be someone brand new.
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*3rd person POV*
Friday morning was a little colder than usual in the avengers compound, everyone on the team was up and in the kitchen having breakfast. Everything was normal, until someone noticed that someone was missing.
“Hey guys” Bucky said right before taking a bite of the pancakes Wanda made earlier for everyone. “Have any of you seen y/n?”
The team stayed quiet, realizing that they haven’t seen her for quite a while, not until Barnes brought it up.
“Uh… maybe she took a trip?” Steve broke the silence while the rest started thinking when was the last time they had seen her.
“No, she was here when we arrived from the Jersey mission, it must have been like what, two days, maybe three?” Tony said. Bucky could feel his insides burning and twisting.
“No… that was eight days ago” Vision intervened. The avengers felt like someone just blew up the white house. Her teammate was missing for eight days and no one even noticed. Bucky was the first one to react by getting up and running to her dorm, only to find it exactly the way it was when he last saw her. He searched her dorm looking for something out of place that could tell him that maybe you were in trouble and that he has to come save you, but he is left desperate when he doesn’t find anything.
“She’s not here, everything is intact” He informs once he is back in the kitchen.
“Everyone” Steve calls out, “get dressed, we’re going to look for her. Let’s start in her apartment”
The team leaves to change their clothes and next thing they know, they are in her building. Without saying a word to the receptionist, they all made their way up to her apartment.
“Hey! wait-” he goes unnoticed because the avengers are already on her door. Wanda knocks on the door.
“Y/n? You there?” no one responds. “Y/n come on, don’t be mad at us” Natasha says.
After a few seconds they all start to worry when the door is unlocked, and they worry even more once they see the apartment completely empty.
“What the-” Bucky says
“Where are her things?” Wanda asks to no one especifically
“Where is she?” Thor says
“What the hell is going on?” Tony says a little louder
Bucky storms out of the empty apartment and goes to the man in the reception
“What the hell happened to apartment 108, where is y/n y/l/n?” he asks with worry and anxiety in his voice.
“I’m sorry, but, who are you?” the man asks the rather intimidating group of people in front of him.
“We’re the Avengers man” Peter says and the man suddenly realizes and his face changes from a confused one, to a sad one that makes the team’s stomach drop.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t…” he sighs, “She left me indicated to give this to you” he hands them an envelope that looks like it's been sitting there for a while. Bucky stares at the envelope like it's some kind of nuclear weapon that if you touch it, it could kill you. Wanda notices, grabs the envelope and stares at the paper in her hands.
“When did she leave this?” She asked
“Three days ago”
“And why didn’t you send it to us?” Tony asked, getting angry at the poor man.
“Because she specifically said  to handed it to you, if you ever came looking for her”
Bucky could feel the tears in his eyes start to form.
“She said that? `Ever’?” Bucky asked almost to himself. The man slowly nodded. Natasha could feel how her stomach started burning from the guilt and the pain of not noticing that her friend was missing for eight days, little does she know that the entire team felt exactly the same.
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“F.R.I.D.A.Y pull the records on the mission on may 20 and also show me the status of y/n on that time” Tony said to the AI and after a few seconds later, pictures of the building that that was about to be blown out by HYDRA with 30 civilians inside showed up. While the avengers were sitting in the conference room looking at the pictures, the AI started talking.
“Mission of may 20. Information was given that HYDRA kept 30 civilians inside the building with the intention of blowing it up with them inside. Source of the information unknown. The Avengers  came to the building and successfully rescued the civilians safely moments before the building was blown up. Agent y/n y/l/n was on an undercover mission on a HYDRA facility at the same time, the communication was lost three days before the civilians situation, and around the same time, the information about the building was given anonymously the very same day that communication with Agent y/l/n was lost; Agent y/l/n returned a week later. Medical record found, access denied”
“Override, Tony Stark” Tony said after a good couple of seconds, the pieces starting to fall in place.
“Access complete. Medical records of Agent y/l/n on may 27th. Access restrained: Agent y/l/n. She presented with several cuts all over her body, three broken ribs, a second grade concussion, a sprained ankle and a dislocated shoulder. Patient refused treatment and was only given medication for the pain”
The seconds were passing and no one in the room would break the silence. The pieces were starting to fall in place, Tony felt nauseous. He yelled at her for being irresponsible for staying a little longer than she should have in the undercover mission, given the fact that she checked in on june 10th, meaning that she waited two weeks for her injuries to heal enough so that he could yell at her for not being good enough. He fell down to his chair, feeling like if he stayed up, he might throw up.
“She was the one that gave us the information about the building” Sam broke the silence. “She was the one that got tortured, and still managed to pass through the data so that we, could be the heroes while she was the one that got beaten up”
“F.R.I.D.A.Y, where is she?” Natasha asked the AI, and it responded after a few seconds.
“No information found”
Natasha frowned, Bucky looked up to the screen to see the red sentence. It only made him want to scream more.
“What does ‘no information found’ mean?” Bucky asked on the edge of falling apart.
“F.R.I.D.A.Y” Steve called
“No information available” it said this time.
“F.R.I.D.A.Y, look for y/n y/l/n” Tony said, thinking maybe he needed to check what was wrong with the AI.
“No records found for y/n y/l/n”
“Detail,” Stark said.
The AI showed what it said before, there was no record of her name, it was like it never existed. No phone number, no mail address, no nothing, just a little picture of an abandoned building or mansion somewhere in the world.
“Wait” Natasha said, “I know that building, F.R.I.D.A.Y, do a close up on that picture”
“What is it?” Wanda asked
“It was where The Red Room used to operate” tha AI responded
“Why does it appear related to her?” Bucky asked, fearing the answer
“The picture was taken when a girl escaped The Red Room in 2002, she eliminated four people on the way, the age or who it was is still unknown” the AI responded.
“Oh god…” Natasha whispered but Bucky manage it to hear it
“Natasha, what is it?” he asked
“2002, that’s three years after i managed to escape, there was a girl, we were some sort of friends, i promised that i was going to get us out of here, but i couldn’t take her with me so i left her. Two years later I contacted someone on the inside so that I could get to her and plan her escape, but she was angry at me and said that she was fine, a year later she did escape, killing four people on her way” Natasha explained. Everything makes sense now, why she looked familiar, why she had exactly the same skills as Natasha. The team noticed it too, but they assumed it was because she had trained very hard to be an avenger.
“What was her name?” Vision asked.
“Eliza” Natasha said
“Wait a minute…” Bucky said, lifting her head looking at Natasha. “Was that her real name?”
“No, she didn’t wanted to say her real one” Natasha said
“Eliza, that’s y/n’s grandmother’s name” Bucky said and the room fell into a silence where you could hear the wind outside.
“In the letter…” Steve started, “She said that you could confirm that she was good at disappearing completely once you figured it out, so, does this mean that…”
“Y/n is Eliza” Natasha concluded
“She was in The Red Room” Bucky added.
“She said in her letter that all of us did her wrong,” Sam said, “how are we supposed to know what the hell we do to her? She’s been in the team for what, two and a half years? And just now we realized that she was the one that gave us the data that saved 30 people and got her tortured, and that she was trained in The Red Room like Black Widow here. What else are we missing?” he added.
“Guess there’s only one thing we can do” Steve said, looking at Tony.
“And what’s that?” Wanda asked
“We find her”
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You will always be the winter soldier - Chapter 5
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Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4
Author’s Note: 
This is a flashback of your past with Bucky. Somethings weren’t witnessed by Bucky or you because I just want to give more details about the thoughts of other people as well. So this is definitely written in a third person perspective. This chapter is really long but I hope you’ll enjoy it anyway. 
Bucky sits in a plane to Munich. Sam got information that the leader of the Flag smashers are currently working there. 
Bucky remembers the last time he was in Germany. It feels like an eternity ago.
„Tell me why I need to watch this series again.“, Bucky looked absolutely annoyed. 
„Its a classic. Everyone knows this series. It’s like general knowledge.“ You answered while scribbling something on your paper. 
„ And why aren't you watching this series?“ 
„Well my love, I know this series by my heart.“, you smiled at him and then saying the exact same thing the actor said on the screen proving him that you really do know this series.
Minutes later you closed your math book with a loud thump and throwing it on the ground. 
"I'm sorry. I don't want to torture you with this series. Maybe I can make it up to you." You winked at Bucky and kissed him on his right cheek. 
„Probably you will find a way.“, Bucky smiled mischievously and kissed you right on your lips with both of his hands on your cheeks. 
You and Bucky weren’t virgins but you both never had sex with each other yet. It made you nervous. 
And Bucky was nervous as well.The last time he had sex was an eternity ago and women changed through the times. Now women are so much more emancipated and strong-minded.
You kissed him. On his face, throat, neck and down his torso. You wanted him as much as he wanted you. 
In this night you and Bucky didn’t have just sex- you made love that night. It was something absolutely soft, and warm and caring about it. 
There was no much of talking and there was no pressure- it was just pure love without saying the word itself. 
Everything changed from that night on. From that day on you both were a couple, without labeling it.
Two weeks later Bucky accompanied you to university. It was something he did regularly and you enjoyed it. It gave your the feeling he was just a normal guy spending time with his girlfriend. And James from Bucharest was  indeed almost a normal guy. While you were bubbling about a math problem no one except math students could understand, he noticed a man.
Bucky knew when he was being followed and it agitated him. 
Now that he wasn’t just concerned with his life but also concerned with your safety it made him anxious. 
He grabbed your right arm and pulled you in a small alley.
You looked at him confused and scared. „What’s going on?“, you asked not understanding his sudden behavior. 
„I wanted to give this to you.“ Bucky pulled out a small mobile phone from his pocket. You looked confused because you already had a smartphone in your trouser pocket. 
„It’s a safe line. So, if you’re in danger or you just think you’re in danger- call me and I will come and get you.“
„You’re scarring me. Are you in trouble? Are WE in trouble? Do we need to run?“ You looked at him, touching his face to make sure he calmed down.
„No. Don’t worry. Everything’s alright.“ Bucky lied. „I’m just taking precautions.“
You doubted this reassurance.
„I can ditch university. I can come with you.“
„No. It calms me down to know that you’re safe at university.“ 
„Okay. But don’t forget: If you jump, I jump, remember?“ You quoted the movie you both watched last night. 
„You’re stuck with me. Where you go, I go.“
He kissed the palm of your left hand. „I’m not going anywhere.“, Bucky lied again. 
And with that he accompanied  you to university. As he left, you walked into your class and you took out your phone and your homework. You checked the latest news. The day before there was a bombing in Vienna but on this day there were breaking that there’s a picture of a suspect. The picture showed no other than Bucky himself. Your heart stopped for a moment and you couldn’t think clearly. This explained his behavior and fear. You knew he was innocent- no doubt about that. You knew the man you fell in love with and James would never do such thing. The only conclusion was that he was being fraud by someone else. You decided to skip the class and go home to find James. 
When you arrived outside, the campus was quite empty because the majority of the students were already in their classes. As you walked to the gate a man was calling you.
„Hey! Wait!“ He jogged to you. 
„You’re working with Bucky, aren’t you? You’re his accomplice.“ The man in front of you assumed. 
„None of your business.“, you muttered. You wanted to pass him but he stopped you by grabbing your shoulder. 
„My name’s Sam Wilson and you really need to come with me.“, he said, scarring you with his words.
His grip was so tight that you couldn’t break free.
„Im not coming with you. Who do you think you are?“
„I’m working with Captain America.“ He said. You could hear the pride in his voice.
„So? That doesn’t make you an authority. I don’t trust you.“
„You saw the picture, didn’t you? You saw the picture of him in the newspaper. You don’t strike me as a dumb person, yeah? You know what this picture means. They are after him. They are already here. So I need your help.“
„Why do you need my help? He’s innocent. That picture is fake and I know it. But do you? Do you believe in his innocence or what aim do you really pursue?“
Sam didn’t answer but he also didn’t let go of you. So the only thing that you could do was to kick him between his legs. But your head start wasn’t for long. You can’t outrun an athlete. He caught you with his hand which made you stumbled and you fell face forward on the ground. Your lip was bleeding. 
„Im sorry. I didn’t intend to hurt you.“
As you looked around you saw police officers pointing their guns at you and Sam. 
„You called the police?!“ You asked unbelievably.
„Ey. They’re pointing their guns at me too. So no- I didn’t call the police.“ 
They handcuffed you both and took off. Sam talked with someone via earpiece: „I’ve got her but the police got us both. I’m sorry.“
At the same time, Bucky, Steve and King T’Challa were also handcuffed. Steve looked at his childhood friend and shared the information Sam just gave him: „I’m sorry, but they’ve got her.“ 
To say that Bucky was furious was an understatement: He would burn down the whole city if they’d hurt her. 
When you arrived at the office in Berlin you couldn’t stop all the questions that were floating in your mind. „Why are we here? Since when is Germany responsible for crimes that happened in Vienna or Bucharest? Why were German police officers in Romania? What the heck is going on?“ You asked but everyone was ignoring you. 
Minutes later a man entered the room and you realized that this was Tony Stark. „Who is that?“ He asked, pointing his finger at you. You didn’t bother to answer him. You just turned your head away. „Alright. Kinda mean but we will get the answers anyway.“ He sat down next to Steve. „Is the thing you have with him even legal?“, he asked you again.
„You tell me. He was born in 1917. I was born 80 years later.“
Tony scrunched up his nose. 
The screen was turned on and you saw James. „Why is he in a cage? Why is there no lawyer? Is this how Germany practices its law now? Did you tell him his right to silence?“ You asked almost aggressively 
„You’re audacious and naive.“, said a man in a suit. 
„Stop insulting me. James is as innocence as I am. He wasn’t in Vienna and I told you that from the beginning. And no one in this damn room is listening. You’re just looking for a guy to take the blame. I don’t know how America treats their suspects but here in Germany they have human rights as well. They have dignity and they are still treated with respect and decency. All people have rights. We learned that 70 years ago and we will never ever forget it, understand?“, you spatted. „You imprisoned and treat him as if he’s a monster.“
„My dear child, do you know what he just did today in Bucharest? The damage he caused?“, the man screamed. 
„But it were you with the loaded guns, right?“
„He’s not just a suspect. He’s the delinquent.“
„In some countries there is a trial for this question to be answered, but you seemed to be hangman and judge in once.“ You provoked him. This was so unlike you that you really couldn’t understand the anger that was inside you. 
„I like her.“ Tony said. „She’s loyal like a golden retriever.“
„Stop insulting me even more. I’m defending the man I love that doesn’t mean I’m a puppy wagging its tail.“ 
Before anyone could say anymore to worsen the situation the power was gone for merely seconds but the power was back, Bucky disappeared from the video. Everyone in the room turned around and looked at you. 
„How are you going to explain this.“ Tony asked you 
„Kid, you stay here. Don’t even think about leaving this room.“ As Tony walked downstairs he asked himself if you’re related to a woman he met over 20 years ago who happens to have the same last surname like you did. No, unlikely. Almost impossible. 
Bucky, in his winter soldier mode only had one aim: to kill as many people as possible. But something was off. He hasn’t been the winter soldier for quite some time and the impact you had. The thought that you were hurt made him even more lethal. His priority was to find you and made sure you were okay. So everyone who fought him was a threat, an enemy.
It ended in a cafeteria where Bucky held a gun to the head of a seemingly important man. Bucky was circled with dozen of agents, all pointing a gun at him. 
„Where is she? Where is (y/f/n)?“ Bucky asked
„She’s okay. You don’t need to worry about her.“, Steve assured Bucky
„I don’t trust you. I need to see her.“ 
„We can bring her here. So you can see it for yourself.“ Steve suggested while Bucky just nodded. 
Steve and Tony ran upstairs and Tony grasped Steve by his arm. „What the fuck do you think you’re doing? You can’t bring her downstairs to him. He’s dangerous and she’s just a kid. You can’t control him.“
„He isn’t dangerous and I don’t think he would hurt her. After all they are something like a couple. She knows him. And we will be there as well. Trust me, Tony. Nothing will happen.“
So they both accompanied you downstairs. 
You’ve got nervous, shaking uncontrollably. „You don’t have to do this.“ Tony said. 
„And I’m really sorry that I compared you with a golden retriever. I just think that loyalty is a great character trait.“
You smiled at him. „It’s alright. I’m sorry too. For being so angry and impulsive and arrogant.“
„Are you scared?“ Tony asks. „No, I’m not. I trust him. I trust the man I love. He isn’t the winter soldier anymore. And that he remembers me in this moment- that’s a good sign, isn’t it? So I had a little impact on him.“
Steve opened the door. You felt all the eyes of the agents on you. Thats really made you uncomfortable but you tried to ignore and only concentrate on James. You tried to relax. Your hands where cold as ice- something that always happens when you get nervous. You walked towards him. „You need to let go of this man, James.“, you pointed with your eyes at the man. „I’m alright. I’m safe.“ You approached him. „You really need to let go of him.“ Your voice was firmer. „The agents here are scared of you. They see you as a threat. So I’m begging you: let go of him.“ 
And Bucky let go of him. „They hurt you.“ He stated looking at your bruised lips. „No, they didn’t. I stumbled.“ You reassured him. „James, you need to put down the gun as well. The avengers aren’t the enemy. We can trust them. I do. I trust them and I think we might need their help.“ And you kissed him. Right in front of anyone. You heard the thump of the gun greeting the ground as James let go of it. 
You broke the kiss and caressed his cheek. But before Bucky could say anything you looked to your right and something you saw made you so scared. You pushed Bucky with all the strength you’ve got, making him stumble a few steps backwards. But that was enough to take his spot. 
Bucky saw the redness on your shirt before he heard the bang of the gun. Steve and Tony screamed „NO!“, but it was already too late. You looked at it and all the color of your face vanished. You started to fall but Bucky caught you, laying you softly on the ground. Soon you lost you consciousness.
Steve used the chaos to get Bucky out of there. „They will help her. But you need to come. It’s not safe for you here.“ 
During that time agent Sharon Carter kept Steve and Bucky informed but Bucky had a really hard time. „She’s still sleeping. You are not missing anything.“ She assured him. 
When you woke up you were greeted by non other than Tony Stark itself. He read a German magazine. „Do you understand what you’re reading or are you just looking at the pictures?“ 
He looked up and grinned. „Really nice pictures. But I also get help with the translating.“ He pointed to his high technology-glasses. 
„How do you feel?“
„Exhausted but okay.“ 
You looked around and you saw James standing in the door frame. „James“ you whispered, reaching out for him. „I’m so relieved that you’re fine.“ Bucky looked at Tony who faintly shook his head indicating that you were still oblivious about the fight in Leipzig and the separation of the avengers. 
„What happened after I passed out?“, you asked
„You mean after you got shot.“, Tony corrected you. 
„Why did you pack?“, you ask James, forgetting the last question you just asked. 
„I’m leaving for Wakanda. They offered me to free me from the mind control and I’m gonna take that chance.“
„Take me with you. I want to be with you. I can’t imagine a life without you. Please, James.“ 
He looked you deep in your eyes. You could see how he’s debating on the inside. „Okay.“ And he kissed you passionately. 
Tony didn’t like that idea at all. „Okay, lovebirds. We better should look for a doctor to sign the release papers and you can rest a bit more.“ He ushered Bucky out of your room and when the door closed he let go of his facade.
„You can’t take her with you. Thats really selfish of you. She’s kid. She can’t throw away her life for you. She is not your psychologist. You know exactly what you are. You’re a murderer. Nothing will ever change that. You’re destroying her life. And you don’t care because after all you will always be the winter soldier. Nothing will change that.“
Bucky looked at Tony like he just got slapped. „I know who and what I am. I will never be good enough for her. Yeah, maybe I’m selfish taking her with me but I can’t imagine a life without her. I love her and I will protect her. I promise.“
„But can you protect her from yourself?“ 
As you packed your belongings James waited outside your room. „You don’t have to go with him. You don’t need to throw your life away. You don’t owe him anything.“, Tony stated. 
„I’m not throwing anything away. He’s my future. He’s anything I’ve ever wanted. Wakanda will be an adventure and I’m ready to take it.“
Tony suppressed all the things he wanted to tell you. He hugs you and said instead. „If he hurts you in anyway, call me. I’ll come and get you.“ He caress your hair and without noticing he took a single hair of you. He needed to know who you were to him. He couldn’t ignore his curiosity anymore. 
Chapter 6
@inlovewith3 @jackiehollanderr @homesicam @dreamydreamerwriting @losers-club6 @gengen64 @agentsofsheilds @crimson-darling @akkinda10 @xemine @bubblegumholland @chipilerendi @iamasimpingh0e @bbmommy0902 @madddiiee26 @teenagedreams-bucky @aya-fay @idontknowwhatthisisfam @w-wolfhxrd @useless-creature-213  @angywritesstuff @supernaturalcat7 @harrys-stan @geek-and-proud
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avungerthatgotaway · 3 years
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The Soldier of the Night
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heyyyy guys!! this is my first ever request fic and im so excited to do iiiit. please tell me what you think of it in the comments🥰
it's made for this request
summary: y/n finally takes matters into her own hands and escapes hydra. but it won't be as easy as she tought...
warnings: mentions of blood and child neglect
pairings: avengers x teen!reader (platonic)
genre: angst-ish, fluff at the end
Sorry for grammar mistakes.
If you have request feel free to ask🥰
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Y/N Y/LN, but no one calls you by that name. To the world you are known as The Soldier of the Night, the merciless murderer. Mothers all over the world use you to teach their kids about most dreadful dangers. People gather around campfire in woods and share scary stories of your cold heart and homicides you don't feel guilty about. You are the biggest fear of each and every government there is in world.
And you always wonder what all those people would say if they knew how old you were. Or that you never kill willingly. Or that you silently pray every night for the victims you harmed or killed in your brainwashed state.
Or that hydra has no control over you anymore. You are currently running, without exact destination, just to get as far from hydra as you can. They are probably alerted of your absence by this point, but you are already in New York, so you can maybe find a hiding spot before they find you.
-
-Avengers pov
-
Nick Fury hurried to the avengers tower, where he called a sudden meeting this morning.
When he came in Steve and Sam were sweaty, probably just came from their morning jog. Bucky was still fighting sleep in his pyjamas, hair sticking out in different directions. Wanda was starring daggers at him for waking her up so early. Tony and Bruce were in lab coats, probably didn't sleep at all. All other avengers were at their respective missions.
"I called this meeting because my resources told me infamous Soldier of the Night is out of hydra HQ. We don't know why, but it's probably another killing mission for hydra. He is currently laying low, somewhere around south entrance to the city. Your mission is to stop him from harming anyone and bring him here. Alive if possible, it would benefit us to know what are hydra's plans at the moment." he finished.
"Alright." said Steve dutifully. "Any information we can get on him before we go?"
"Not much. Only that he is dangerous, and doesn't spare anyone. He is a ghost story. We don't even know if it's a he, that's just a guess."
"Very well. Everyone suit up, I expect you in front of tower in 10." Steve said and left, other avengers following behind.
-
They came back that evening, exhausted of their unsuccessful search. There was no trace of the soldier. But they had to keep looking as long as there's hope to get rid of the monster.
-
-2nd person pov
-
Your heart was racing a hundred miles. You were well aware of the possibility of hydra finding you. But you didn't expect it to be this soon. You were in hiding for only 2 months and they already tracked you down.
Windows broke on your left side and hydra agents started piling in. At the same time on your right side the door broke down revealing whole avengers team, with few additions. You faintly remember one of them as The Winter Soldier, but what was he doing with avengers? Your toughts were cut short by a punch in your face delivered by one of hydra agents.
That's when it snapped: you had to fight for your life. And you probably had to fight both sides.
You started fighting hydra agents, harming them as much as you can without killing.
The avengers stand at the doorstep, and you faintly hear one of them saying "What the actual fuck?". They seemed belivered.
But they soon join the fight knocking out hydra agents. A fist connected with the back of your head, knocking you out into pool of darkness.
-
Light clacking of bottles was the first thing you hear when you wake up. You squint your eyes open, panic finnaly kicking in to where you are. Your first tought was that you were back in hydra HQ, but the room was way too light for that, and hydra wanted you dead.
You started panicking and franatically got out of the bed, trying to escape. Whoever this is, they nean no good. Even avengers want to kill you. But as soon as you got up, black dots invaded your vision, causing you to fall. But before you hit the groung a pair of arms caught you, leading you to sit back in bed.
"Hey, hey sweetie calm down. No one will harm you here. Don't make any sudden movements, your head is still not completely healed." a man told you.
You just layed back and watched him bandage your wrist.
"I am Bruce Banner, by the way. What is your name?" he asked kindly.
"Y/N Y/LN" you whispered, almost inaudibly but he heard it.
"Alright, Y/N. I think I bandaged all your bruises. Rest of the team is waiting out, do you maybe want to meet them?"
By 'team' he probably meant rest of the avengers. You saw a big 'A' painted on the wasll, so that had to be it, right? You immediately shook your head no, eyes widening in fear. You still weren't sure they won't harm you, and meeting them seemed overwhelming in your current state.
"It's okay, calm down. You can meet them later. I will stay with you a little. We could talk if you want?"
You just shrugged your shoulders, not particularly fond of talking with anyone, but not wanting to seem rude because he did help you.
"Okay. How old are you Y/N?" he asked slowly.
"(your age)" you quietly said.
"Dear lord, you really are just a kid. I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through."
You just zoned out, thinking about everything that happened, when something poped up in your mind.
"Mr. Banner?" you asked shyly.
"Call me Bruce kiddo. What is it?"
"I tought I saw The Winter Soldier at the door when you guys came to get me?"
"Oh yes. Bucky. He was also in hydra, as you probably know. He was brainwashed. I suppose you were too?"
"I was, every time I killed somebody. Sometimes I went to missions with other agents and they didn't brainwash me, but I never killed anyone when I was in my senses." You started thinking about your victims as teers pooled in your eyes.
"We supposed so. Do you want me to bring Bucky in a little? Maybe he can help you feel better, because he knows what you're going through."
You slowly nodded, not wanting to reject meeting avengers the second time.
"Alright, he'll be here in a minute." Bruce gave you a gentle smile and patted your shoulder.
A minute after he exited, in came Bucky. He looked better than when you saw him last, but you doubted he's seen you. You were sneaking out, tryna find some food, when you heard and saw agents torturing him. That's about only memory you have of him, along with stories you've heard from other people.
"Hello there doll. How are you? Bruce told me you remember me." he said gently, sitting at the edge of your bed.
"I-I am alright, i guess. Th-thanks. And yes, I do. A little. I was passing by door, when I saw them torturing y-yo-you." you started sobbing a little, the memory bringing back others. Memories of them torturing you. And you torturing other people in your brainwashed state.
"Hey don't cry. It's okay, shhh. Come here." he opened his arms, and you hesitantly scooted closer, not exactly sure what he wanted. He circled his arms around you, and you flinched, thinking he's gonna attack you. But he just gently kept his arms wrapped around you, soothingly rubbing you back. after some time you wraoed your arms around his middle, still not sure what's going on.
But it was a nice feeling. You never felt something like it before. You felt so safe, like nothing could harm you as long as you two stay like that. You wanted to know what was all this about.
"Wha-at are you do-oing?" you asked after you stopped sobbing, but still hiccuping a little.
"Oh, I'm hugging you. Are you uncomfortable? I will stop if you are. Sorry." he said starting to draw back.
"No!" you quickly said, clutching onto him like koala. You were afraid the sense of comfort will leave you as soon as he withdraws from you.
"Shhh, doll. I won't let go. Never. Nothing will ever harm you here kiddo. We will take care of you. You can live normal life, like all other kids. Maybe go to school after you adapt to your surroundings. Here is a kid Peter he is about your age. You can make friends your age. And of course we will be your friends. For as long as you want it."
"Wait, I can live here? I'm not a burden?"
"No, of course not. Don't ever think that, please."
"B-Bu-Bru" you struggled to remember what Bruce told you his name was.
"Bucky. Or James, whichever you prefer kid."
"Oh okay. What are hugs Bucky?"
"Well I'm hugging you right now. You hug people ti show your emotions. Like comfort, thankfulness, happiness, love. It's what friends do."
"Wait wait wait. You never had a hug before?? Like ever????" a new voice boomed. It sounded genuine but way too loud. You flinched instinctively and hid your face in Bucky's shoulder. He tightened his hold on you for comfort.
"Can you be any louder Thor? And no she was practically raised in hydra, they don't exactly hug around." Bucky said.
"I am sorry, lady Y/N. For frightening you, and for my inappropriate question. I am Thor Odinson." he said coming closer to you.
"It's okay Mr. Thor. I'm Y/N Y/LN, nice to meet you." you said shyly.
"Oh it's lovely meeting you too. I came here because brother Stark asked me to ask you if our presence is wished upon now."
"Huh, what do you think, doll? Ready to meet 'em now? No pressure." Bucky quietly asked, only for you to hear.
You tought about it for a second, but if everyone is nice as three you already met, you'd like to meet them all. And with quiet "okay", Bucky nodded to Thor and he left to call the others in.
-
That night you layed in your bed, thinking of that day's events. You met everyone, since no one had missions assigned. They were all really nice to you. Even Loki, which surprised every avenger. You were not sure why tho, Loki was nice, and his voice was comforting. The Maximoff twins were really funny, and Tony already started making you your own room! Everyone else you've met was aweosme: Natasha, Clint, Steve, Sam and Rhodey. Peter was shy but nice, he promised to show you some good movies and he was belivered when you said you don't know what those are.
Bucky was still you favorite. He stayed the longest, promising to come and visit you first thing in the morning. You hoped he'll hug you again, you were quite fond of hugs now.
-
Few months passed since avengers saved you. Life couldn't be better at this point. You were home schooling, or rather preparing to go to real school next year. Peter already introduced you to his friends from school you are going to attend. You were training to become an avenger, and it was so exciting.
You were currently having breakfast tho, sitting in between Sam and Bucky who were bickering about one thing or other. Tony was dancing funnily while making pancakes, while Nat was trying to throw as many blueberries as possible at him. You heard Clint somewhere in wents above you, probably setting up a prank. You smiled to yourself. Even though you never knew love, or had a family until two months prior, avengers accepted you. They were slowly becoming your family, and you couldn't imagine your life without them. ;)
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h0unds-of-h3ll · 3 years
Text
Talking to the moon
The rumors and trauma lived inside his head in fact it ate him alive. Each and everyday lifeless and a black cloud hung over his head. Except when he received and a test message from an unknown number. He knew it was unknown for three reasons. 1) Everyone knew to not text him or disturb him unless he contacted them first. 2) He could recite his entire list of contacts over anything else in his life. And the third was that he didn’t know that this unknown message would change him forever.
Word count: 15,000 *im so sorryyyy*
This is another dreaded Bucky Barnes x reader fic.
Viewers beware you are in for a scare with the: fluff, Bucky is a wanna be alcoholic, blood, angst, cheesy tropes *wrong number,etc*, bad jokes, one liners, awkwardness, sexual innuendos, mentioned sexual harassment, suicidal thoughts, depression, murder, slight dark Bucky who’s just trying to get through life, Sam Wilson mentioned, astrology and planets, knifes, ptsd, nightmares and terrors, flashbacks, sad bitch Bucky missing Steven and using the reader as a better therapist then the certified one, she/her pronouns used for the reader, mostly from Buckys POV, she/you referring to the reader JOHN WALKER SLANDER NO HATE TO THE ACTOR, glass.
(This is dedicated to my friend, tiny adjustments to buckys story and I am dearly sorry if I didn’t write bucky true to his character!)
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He choked awake on the air that never left his cold lungs, meanwhile, his skin was afire. A coat of sweat coated him, he slept shirtless since this occurred so often. Always waking in the depth of night to little to no light, only the low gleam of the moon shone through his window near his kitchen along with the soft luminosity of the television sat in front of the sofa. One that he refused to sleep on. He couldn't even sleep on the soft bed tucked in the back corner of the room down the hall in his apartment. He debated why he just wouldn't move into a studio apartment instead of the one he resides in.
He huffed staggeringly and his eyes falling to the ground, searching for something that was never there. Tranquility. His brain trying to calm itself in some form, it never worked it took hours for it to. Even then it never lasted. He suffers another day's trauma trying to sort the world back into order. Sam would often notice but knew to never ask him about it. He knew from the months working together asking and attempting to comfort Bucky often led to arguments. Bucky strongly knew this was nothing and that others were just blowing it out of proportion.
That also led to bias work and Bucky not doing his best, since Sam put him in a bad mood beforehand. Bucky went to therapy. He was more forced than offered, the government felt he was more of a ticking bomb than anything else. Bucky thought of it as more of a joke than anything.
There was no sense in for him to go to the sessions. He often found himself trying to find excuses to skip sessions. He thought that the past is the past and trying to fix it wasn't a possibility. Bucky dealt with it the way he could. He pushed it deep, deep, down in the roaring sea of his mind and dealt with it later. Only in his dreams did it resurface to haunt him. Always making him uptight and tired from the lack of sleep.
However, at this point, he was use to the torture of it all. His brain is his worst enemy. Through shaky breath fanned on his arm, he was crouched over his left leg up his metal arm resting over his knee his other arm holding his weight. He watched the glow of the tv, his chest heaved in exasperation.
Nothing piqued his interest in broadcasting. It was all the same mumbo jumbo of stereotypical things like romance, the reality that was depicting the species as inhumane, the comedy he didn't understand, only one channel did hold his interest.
Perhaps it worsened his mental state but he didn't care and it was the news. It was all the current disasters of the world and the avengers trying to stabilize the circumstances and the best part of it all how disturbing the world is. Even if his bringing was normal to where he is now, he'd most likely be a deeply tormented individual.
He nearly had heart failure when a banner at the bottom of the screen read "John Walker elected as the new Captain America." In blinding letters. Above the banner was John Walker himself standing in front of the podium a hand raised in a gesture to recognize the audience's howl.
Buckys head burst with memories of Hydra and the way it evoked him. The way of how Hydra forced him to be something he wasn't. John Walker was the perfect example of an alternate reality with a substitute Steve. Everything Steve was for John Walker was against.
Images flashed in his head. He put his hands on his head his natural one warm and clammy, in contrast to the bitter cold one. It just gave his flashbacks even more fuel. Living with a constant reminder of who he is. A monster.
He grabbed tightly onto his hair the strands were being plucked as this was being written. He felt small patches of balding from this happening so regularly. His legs parted and creased by the knees. His face strained into pain. His extensive wrinkles from age, noticeable, and worsened from him doing so.
His blanket thrown away to the side with disregard, he started to rock softly front and back. The wood floor burned his tailbone from him sitting on it for so long. Suddenly he felt a different pain. A killer one.
The beige cabinets thrown open papers and documents scattered everywhere. The dark grey of a ceiling of the shelter peered over him judgingly. His arm pushed down into the metal of the chair burned from the uncomfortable position. The bolts leaving deep indentions in his skin. The helmet pressed tightly to his skull leaving him render less against the horror of hearing the words. So many times he had to go through this routine, the monitors loud and buzzing. He bit down strenuously onto the guard in his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut. The electricity drumming into his head, his brain setting fire to its system, he feels it in his muscles, in his blood, the veins that pop in his neck. The tubes behind his head generated and pumped large amounts which umped higher and higher in velocity each time an activation word was spoken loud and clearly. Spat carelessly not in his mother's tongue, he would never think of the language to be beautiful only to be a monstrosity of the world one of the greatest. His dull fingernails dug into the chair it did nothing other than to give him some sort of balance. He screamed but it was muffled to an extent of the guard doing its purpose. "Daybreak."
The announcer spoke into the fuzzy black microphone that's the only word he made out to hear. The daily news report drone on for what of which he came back into reality.
He opened his azure eyes and looked to the left the window that sat in the middle of a pale white wall and his kitchen showed the red bloom of the sun and the tall buildings of the city.
He felt resentful towards the time of day since his flashbacks usually only lasted a minute or so.
Lately, they've grown in duration and that stroke dread into him. He was horrified that someone would say or do an act that would put him in a state of mind. One that he wished to not be in.
Somedays he just yearned to be left for dead in the snowfall of the forest. Notably, so far from the arm that was taken from him that it would be hidden to the world for eons. And from the pessimism of the clouds above him.
He grew irritably hot and damp from the excessive sweat he did to himself, he felt everything was his fault, enlisting, going on the train, helping Steve.
He hated himself for a moment realizing what he thought, he felt selfish for thinking that Steve did this to punish him. He sighed and laid his head tilted to the plastered ceiling.
His neck outstretched. His legs and his arm, limp from the compression of him tensing them for so long. His muscles trying their hardest to relax. His figure seeming to be the equivalent of a sack of potatoes.
He didn't care about how he presented, perhaps it was his past with being a soldier the constant thriving to be the strongest and the son of Hercules. He pushed so far that his body couldn't endure the strength he put it through.
Super soldier serum and all, he was still just a man. He was still human deep into the last atom of his DNA. His eyes nonchalantly examined his ceiling a soft pale white like the rest of his apartment, it reminded him of the moon outside.
If he were to take out his ceiling it'd be right above him. He was enamored by how it seemed to have an ever-lasting glow. He let out a shaky huff then fell ever quiet. Until the day grew old.
Yori had scheduled a lunch meeting earlier that week, they had a routine. Yori attended and Bucky paid. This happened every Wednesday they would meet up and discuss whatever they wished. Yori was just an old decaying man who lived in Chinatown, he lived across from Bucky's building. Yori was kind to the ones he knew.
It was otherwise to people he didn't. After Yori's son died it was hard to, if he only knew who Bucky was entirely he'd die out of shock. Bucky swore to tell him but honestly, Yori was his only friend he had out of work, and even that he couldn't let himself go and confide in Sam.
So here he was in a plain-back leather jacket, some jeans and the same pair of boots he had since the war. He didn't understand the fashion trends of late. Last week he and Yori saw a woman in a bright suit, it looked like a second skin from how tight it was.
Yori was simple-minded as he was and had similar morals and interests. It was disheartening to say that Bucky had a sort of envy for Yori, Bucky wished to have lived a normal life of maybe dying in the war or growing old and gray like Yori.
Get married, have a couple of kids, live a normal life. He understood greatly why Steve went back but he never fully forgave him for it. He felt like Steve was selfish for doing so, but isn't everyone? Steve got a normal life while Bucky had to rot in the world alone and was terrorized by his brain.
He crossed his arms, the leather making a strange sound since he gripped himself so tightly. He sat up straight, his shoulders back, his face set with a profound scowl. It forever imprinted on his face the dark scruff of a new beard growing in.
He hated how it meant uncleanliness, but he didn't have the motivation to shave it off, there wasn't a reason to anyway. He hadn't been on a date in years, centuries even.
He poked and played with his sushi that Yori said was great to try at least once. Bucky felt bad and tried a bite, he had to give credit for a thing so small having to be so spicy. That was about the first and last bite Bucky had. Since then he just jabbed at it with one of the sticks.
The other laid across the small complimentary plate with the rest of the remains of the sushi he failed to eat, he lost his appetite a few weeks ago.
He's been nursing a strong drink called Shōchū. Every time Bucky ordered it Yori said that he put an accent on it and that it made him sound like a foreigner. Although Bucky didn't know how since he was fluent but that was an argument for another day.
The employees there grew to know that they should just leave the bottle there since he usually drinks half their supply on each visit.
He just simply didn't think eating was something he needed. Recently things just seemed to bore him to the point where things that he needed to do he couldn't.
All because his brain tells him this doesn't matter. He's just lived so long from numerous life-ending things and he'd be damned if he'd kick the bucket from starvation.
"That scowl of yours is going to scare the women away," Yori spoke, breaking Bucky out of his trance. Bucky only saw the select few people around them and the women that Yori was referring to were a few older women with smiles and when Bucky turned to look they suggestively waved their fingers.
When Bucky looked back Yori smiled and waved and went back to inhaling noodles. Bucky looked at the man across from him in the small sushi restaurant he grew to know too well, they always sat in the same place a small table near the front of the glass doors.
Some posters and decorations were scattered throughout the small building. The dim lanterns gleam radiantly against the cryptic night. It rained before and the droplets of rain still reside on the windows behind Yori.
Yori slurped pounds of noodles into his mouth at a time, the residue of it was left behind on Yori's pale-white mustache. Bucky was surprised that the stick didn't break from the weight of it. Bucky's eyebrows furrowed together in thought, his posture relaxing.
He laughed inside his shoulders coming up and the side of his lips curved in a smirk. The demeanor he held was appealing from afar, (specifically to the cougars adjacent from where they were.)The conversation always breaking Bucky's previous mood, Yori was very light-hearted when he wasn't in a mood. Especially when he had food and good company. He decided to further it:
"What do you know about the ladies here that I don't?" Yori swallowed a big round lump in his throat slowly going down to his stomach, he must've had a pile of noodles in it by now.
"Well first off all, don't test my ways of making them swoon over me," Yori stated it more of a threat than a declaration. He used his chopsticks and pointed them at Bucky and a warning manner.
His eyebrows perked up and the wrinkles on his forehead worsened similar to the ones that grew on Bucky. His eyes became wide at the thought of being disrespected like the way Bucky just did.
"Second of all, you don't understand how to look without your eyes." And with that Yori chowed down once again on his bucket of noodles. Bucky couldn't perceive Yori's advice, what does seeing without your eyes even could mean?
His smirk faltered into his normal resting face which Yori liked to remark and say was the equivalent to people putting the trash into his garbage can. There was no rhyme or reason for people to do so but they just did.
Just like the way Bucky was always in a sour mood it reminded him of himself always being angry at the world because of other people.
"Have you been seeing anyone lately, if not that might be the cause of your problems," Yori spoke as if he knew everything about Bucky and maybe he could Truth it since Hydra and after being the winter soldier and Steve passing.
Bucky hadn't really been ready to mingle. He just knew he had too much baggage for a partner to put on deal with him. Every now and then when he felt completely alone he downloaded some dating app he didn't actually want and deleted it on the same night.
He had flings here and there and since he met Yori he had been setting him up on dates whether Bucky liked it or not. None of them worked out since Bucky didn't try; he was too wrapped up in his own problems to be listening to hers.
Bucky's gloved metal hand wrapped behind his neck and scratched his stubble coming back down.
"You know Yori surprisingly enough I haven't," Bucky spoke grimly and clutched his teeth. He knew Yori was going to tell him off. He winced when he heard Yori's chopsticks fall into the cup of noodles. Yori sat back into his wooden chair, his arms crossed and a displeased look came across his face.
"And why is that?" Bucky began to open his mouth "Don't give me some excuse that you always give me or this will be our last meeting." Yori stated in a harsh manner with his face twisted in that fatherly manner. "I don't understand why it's a great value to you, to know about my love life,"
Bucky spoke of it as a statement but it came out more as a question. Yori quieted and thought for a moment thinking of the proper words to say. "The stars are aligned in your favor, in which that means you should try and put effort into those small details in what is grief, if not love persevering."
Bucky sat there thinking over the things Yori told him. Bucky stretched his arm out to sip on the Shōchū. He was about a quarter way through. They'd only been there for two hours.
Since Yori met Bucky he learned that people can't always be that bad. Unless of course, you're the type who knocks over his trash can and the men don't pick it up and so it rots to hell when he fills it.
Bucky sighed and reached for the half-full glass of Shōchū. Yori never favored seeing him drink. It was too similar to him drinking when his son passed.
So Yori being Yori he made a little catapult with his chopsticks and put a small piece of noodle into his device and flicked it at Bucky. Bucky glared at him and touched the spot where it hit. Right in the middle of his creased eyebrows. The residue of the noodle followed his fingers Yori went back to eating but before he did so he gave a word to Bucky
"You're not supposed to think about how to see without your eyes. It defeats the purpose entirely if you think about it as strongly as you do, I may have some years under my belt of practicing but you are going to go nowhere soon with the troubles that live in your scowl."
He paused searching into Bucky's storm-driven eyes, Yori saw nothing that lived behind them other than sorrow. It pained Yori to see his friend in such a state.
Yori rested his hands on the table interlaced in front of him, trying to find anything worth reviving if it wasn't already killed behind Bucky's aurora. But then all of a sudden a glimmer, a spark you could say flitted inside the fellow in front of him.
Yori leaned back in his chair and smiled softly, his eyes creasing. "Ah, there it is," Yori spoke softly. Bucky confused more than he had ever been in his life questioned everything.
He had no idea what Yori was doing or as to why he endured the unwanted staring contest they just had. Then his answers were spoken by the one who created the questions.
"The way you see without your eyes is simply to be at peace with yourself, look at the moon and the stars.
They have no troubles or worries and they are the most looked at things in the entire universe no matter where you are. They see everything, yet they still choose to have no regard for the ones that judge them. For you young sir, for them to have that happiness you take that amount doubled."
Bucky scoffed that he didn't intend to be disrespectful, but how in the world was he supposed to be calm when he knew Yori's speech was literal. Yori never made jokes or metaphors, he learned that the hard way.
He uncrossed his arms for the first time since they sat down, and rested his elbows on his knees, and leaned forward in the wooden chair. He squinted his eyes, questioning Yori's statement.
He knew Yori hated to be questioned and tested, they always led to night and day-long arguments that never fully were resolved. Maybe it was the half bottle of Shōchū he drank that made him confident. He spoke rough and dry from it taking over his throat and liver.
"So let me get this straight. the only way I can find peace and happiness is if I talk to the stars and the moon? Yori, you've got to be joking." Yori grew agitated but his composure remained ever the slightest of relaxation.
Yori reached towards the back of his pants to retrieve something while glaring at Bucky and the staring contest resumed. Bucky thought for a moment that Yori was going to shoot him in point-blank range in front of the small company that was set at different tables all over the place.
Instead, Yori pulled out a small crumbling paperback book with the cover filled with stars and galaxy-type depictions and inscribed above it was
"Talking to the moon, and other astronomic casualties"
Yori sat the book gently on the side of the table he got up and before he left he looked at Bucky for a long while before turning and walking out the door. Not another word was spoken between them until the next Wednesday.
Bucky walked home that night by himself. Usually, he would walk with Yori but what happened at the sushi place he felt disturbed by. He lost his temper and he never should've.
He's been put in worse situations than thinking that Yori made him out to be a fool for believing that the stars could talk. Who knows if they do. He should've been more open-minded, he's just been riled up from the flashbacks.
Shōchū seemed to make things worse but he'd forget about things for a while. He wanted to apologize to Yori;
he severely drowned the urge. With the rest of the bottle. Yes, the restaurant let him take the rest. He had to pay handsomely. He thought it was worth it until he had to walk up the stairs to get into his apartment. He swayed back and forth mostly to the left. The arm weighed more when he was like this.
He had not a thought in mind about the world other than seeing the bottom of the clear bottle made of glass.
He tried to walk up the stairs he really did but his chunky boots made it hard to judge the height of the stairs. He got about halfway up them and then he fell. He smashed his chin against the wood and his chin started to bleed. He didn't try to stop the fall.
His right hand was occupied with the bottle. His thick scarred fingers tied around the neck of it securely. He'd kill anything that would try to take it away from him. He pushed himself up off the stair and he winced in pain when his right hand was now in the pile of glass. It fell and broke when he did.
His back burned with being indented from laying on the stairs. His chin seeped down onto the pit of his neck where his jaw formed.
He pushed slowly up off the stairs entirely putting his damaged hand behind his back. How ironic that his normal flesh is the damaged one.
He lifted off with the metal one. He clutched his wrist and pinched it tightly with the metal one.
Trying to cut off blood flow so it won't get more infected than it already had. He walked to his apartment shamefully. His head hung down low, too insecure and awkward about what happened. His jaw stern and gritted he was embarrassed.
The alcohol dimmed it but it was still a major event. He'd hit the rock bottom of an endless pit.
He dug out his key in his pocket and went inside. When he entered he always felt worse than he had left. Yet he never had a problem leaving. It always felt like he was welcomed back into a deep aurora of depression.
He stepped on the back of his boots and left them by the door. He walked to the bathroom but he stopped and turned to look at the tv. There he was again in all his glory. John Walker.
Although this time in his clutches was Steve's shield. He grew saddened by the fact Sam gave it over. He felt betrayed. Sam was the only one he knew other than him how valuable that was and John Walker out of all people had it in his possession.
He'd have a long discussion with Sam in the near future about this. He was always infuriated by John but now he couldn't put it into words. Except for the word imposterous.
Bucky felt a sharp pain in his wrist and when he looked down. He soon found that he was nearly fracturing his wrist with his metal modeled fingers. He also took into mind how deep the glass shard was. Some tiny, some huge. He cursed under his breath a soft and crude
"Fuck."
He quickly loosened his grip and shook his head in regret when he looked down to his wood floor. He realized that blood trickled from him since he opened the door.
He hastily shuffled awkwardly to the bathroom trying his hardest to not make more of a mess than he already had. He walked with long strides and his white socks dirtied from blood.
The bathroom was small, with half tiled walls and a tiled floor, beige paint covered the rest of the wall. A shower shoved to the left of him, an off-white bulb accentuated the room.
He swore to change it but he never did. A mirror and sink in front of him, the mirror was a small white rectangular one, matching the shape of the sink. Sandwiched in between the shower and sink was the smallest white toilet imaginable.
He hated going into the bathroom for this reason alone. He saw how weak he was in the mirror.
A busted bleeding wound. That crept close to the imprint that marked the middle of his chin, dark drunk eyes, shaded pink lips, sharp cheekbones accompanied with a keen jawline, scars littered across his body. His face had a few abrasions, and cheeks hidden in the scruff that continued to grow.
His hair tousled and strewn every way it pleased. He never cared about it; he never tried to style it since he'd just put his hands in it. His shoulders were clad in leather and a beige henley that matched the walls. The calmness after getting pounded reminded him of when hydra made him fight the other soldiers. Then suddenly he was there.
It was a day that Bucky would think about for the rest of his life. Bucky had a lot of those days but this one, in particular, was one that made him feel excruciating pain. The fight he was trained to lose. The compound was a dimly lit walkway in between the cells. Two would fight momentarily continuously one was declared the winner and fight the champion. Bucky or the soldier.
The commanders of hydra love to evoke fear. Seeing the men riddled with fear. Some vomit, others beg. Some are like Bucky. Ruthless. They don't care who they are or what they want to be. All they strive to be or do is fight and the blood splatter after winning against the enemy, releases stress so sometimes it's a release unless you have a guilty conscience. For Bucky, it's the latter. He has nightmares, sure, but everyone does.
Bucky had perfect posture, his head tilted into the way hydra trained him to do or to be brainwashed until he was complicit. Bright ocean eyes were unknowingly dead. The thunder of the other candidates to fight by the cells on the sidelines until it was their time to fight.
Although before they went to fight they would have a fistfight with Bucky to higher their combat skills. Bucky was the best soldier they had to let them practice on. That being said Bucky wasn't being used to his full potential. Bucky hadn't fought anyone to his skill level, everyone was either at a lower or average level. They were put into groups of two in fighting whoever won would fight either Bucky or another soldier even crueler than Bucky. Bucky had some remorse and would hold back. He still deep down was a person but the other soldier killed many from going too far. And today was the day that Bucky had to fight that soldier. Bucky had three other men for the soldier to fight until it was him, all skinny and small, scrappy.
The soldier was big and unruly. He was undefeated, sure Bucky was scared but at the compound, it's kill or be killed.
No one knew the soldier's true name, just the series of numbers he was given. His confidence may be the death of him. Bucky believed-knew that he was more than the average man. He had courage, a heart of gold, and the endurance of a bull and here he was amping himself up and nervously fidgeting wondering what would happen if he won this fight. He wondered if everyone would think of him as superior or if he'd be more of a black sheep.
He heard a crack of a hydra man yelling to start. The man in front of him was next and the one that lost had gashes to the bone and blood oozing out of places where he didn't know could.
Bucky felt exposed when the man in front of him went to fight, there was still a very long list behind him to fight but he was next up. The soldier looked at him, his demeanor felt like the grim reaper and Bucky was fixing to pay his toll.
The soldier had muscles upon muscles and as broad as one can ever be. The word powerful couldn't even describe him in the lightest.
Bucky chewed on the inside his cheek he was nervous.
The soldier was known to put the others in the infirmary for days on end and those he hurt abnormally bad gotta not fight for a while and rot in their cell until. More often than none they'd put you back out in the field.
The stories of this soldier were the type you'd tell sitting at a campfire to scare kids, instead, it was grown, men. Even if Bucky was the bravest out there he wasn't like the soldier.
Bucky observed all of his techniques and styles over the weeks. Preparing himself for his scheduled fight. It was an algorithm for the soldier to react to specific hits and counter them with the same thing over and over. The hydra men taught all of the soldiers the same moves except the one Bucky was going to go against. They knew Bucky was their best soldier so they had to at least put him in a good fight. Bucky caught on to this pattern and that made him think that he could win.
The man in front of him laid in a fetal position with mud and red splatter across his pale form, the boisterous crowd making the shame feel unbearable.
Then all of a sudden Bucky felt a harsh shove on his back. One of the hydra men shoving him into the pit with the soldier. Bucky nearly fell face forward on the cement. A burst of loud booming laughter deafened him more than the crowd on the sidelines.
The soldier crouched low and Bucky knew what he was going to do. He took out the legs then beat his component to a pulp like a gorilla. Bucky did the same stance. He looked foolish, his hair stuck to his forehead, sweat-soaked his clothes which were already tightened to his skin from the excessive working out he did. Courtesy of Hydra wanting him to be in top shape. The other soldiers grew restless as they psyched one out. They went into circles staring at one other like vultures testing who was the quickest. Whoever blinks first wouldn't blink for weeks after.
A screech came from the soldier and he came after Bucky.
Now imagine a vicious lion combined with a cyclops coming at you. Bucky psyched him out and pivoted. That just angered him more since the battles never lasted more than a couple of minutes. This one was already the longest. The soldier turned slightly and looked over his shoulder and before he could do so Bucky had gotten close enough to kick the left of his knee in and he fell. It was as loud as the thunder when he did.
Although Bucky wasn't watching his feet and the soldier took his left foot and grabbed Bucky. He fell. The roar of the other soldiers boomed. His ears went out painfully, a ringing sound, and the rain flew harshly against his face.
He couldn't move, the wind knocked out of him that he couldn't breathe. He felt ashamed to have even thought that he could win. The black ceiling littered with golden beams.
The gold reminded him of the stars behind them, how someday he could be out of this dungeon to see them again. Abruptly all the ringing in his ears came back. He heard a low hum of breathing; he thought it was his own until he saw the beast above him. The soldier grabbed his arms and Bucky struggled even through his stupor. Bucky wiggled and tried to get out from his grasp but he was a god amongst men. Bucky then thought of how Steve felt when he'd get cornered in an alley and he'd come and save Steve from being killed. But Bucky didn't get saved. The barbarian struck Bucky over and over. The nurse would later tell him that she was surprised that he didn't have any brain damage. Bucky waved in and out of reality. Every time he tried to open his eyes it'd be welcomed with a fist. Bucky spat the blood out of his mouth onto the soldier. The soldier was just too strong. He was impossible to win against. The soldier rubbed the blood into his face and laughed. He leaned to Bucky's ear only so he could hear "puny."
Bucky screamed loud. Loud enough that the neighbors awoke from their sleep and he'd sure have a lot of complaints to address in the morning. In a split second, he found himself with his fist through the mirror, the glass falling every way onto the tile into the sink and toilet. Into the already damaged hand of his, the glass poked through his palm, and through the other side, the previous glass dug deeper into his flesh.
Severing the tendons. All he could think about was the pain of having to clean everything up. He didn't feel the pain he caused himself because that didn't matter. It made him feel the least bit human. Pain. Everything living thing felt alive and once he lost that. He'd feel like a complete and utter monstrosity.
He looked up from his hand and to the mirror. Shards still hung and it displayed a perfect depiction of what Bucky was. Damaged.
Bucky spent the rest of the night with a bandaged chin that kept bleeding like a waterfall. Hw picking out pieces of glass with the smallest tweezers known to man, that too ruby red water ran down the sides of his hand onto his bare beefy thighs and pooled in the middle of his palm.
He had calmed down after a couple of hours by sitting on the bumped-out window.
He often likes sitting there and watching the city. The cars zooming past the bright casinos.
The one thing he enjoyed the most was watching the constellations and making them out to be the things he liked. Often he'd see a star in the moon and he saw the shield.
He hated that one since it put him in the pain of remembering Steve and how he had no one.
He didn't need anyone. That's what he told himself but he was very wrong. His jacket was thrown over a wooden chair in the dining area. The sleeves of his henley rolled around his elbows showing the veins in his forearms.
He changed out his jeans for a random pair of dark shorts, he threw off his dirtied socks.
To say the least, he was at comfort for the first time this week. He started to read the book a little, the pages were torn and faded. Yori must've read this multiple times.
Bucky wondered why. The book was small and petite and was only a hundred or so pages. It was interesting, it was all about philosophy, it was written as if it was a big life poem.
He hated a lot of it but here and there were a few good points. He was about halfway through the book when a paragraph struck him.
Heart. Mind. Body. Soul. Great beings of life and they can only communicate by stars. Life and everything between can be carried through them. So if you speak to the sky of night. You will often hear a reply.
He thought of it as silly but then his brain began to wonder. What if he could talk to whoever he wished dead or alive. Just from talking to the stars. It seemed too easy and childish.
Although what did he have to lose the majority of the world hated him and the other half tolerated him.
He put the tweezers down and wrapped his hand with the bandage used to box. He had leftover wrappings since he used to do dirty street fighting when he got dumped from S.H.E.I.L.D's payroll.
He picked up the book that was under his thigh, holding the book open. He held it there since that was where the most light surfaced. He didn't exactly have the expenses to pay the electric bill so he always kept it off.
His eyebrows furrowed ever close as he came across a sentence he seemed to not understand.
The book looked like it shrunk in the size of his hand. His fingers twisted and ran over the cover and the letters on the page fell off onto his lap. The shorts rode up about mid-thigh and engraved their way into his skin.
He couldn't read anymore. He sighed when he read the same paragraph twice over.
All he could think about was being able to talk to Steve. He pushed it into the back of his mind, he carried the book carelessly in his hand, the feeling an odd one since he hadn't read anything for ages.
He walked over to his little place where he slept and laid down.
The news wasn't showing anything interesting. He became quite bored. He wondered if Yori was doing okay.
Maybe he should check up on him even if they weren't on the best of terms. He drifted in and out of consciousness, he played with the wrapping of his hand to try and keep him entertained.
He sat up against his wall observing everything around him how bland and monotone everything was.
He felt a buzz in the pocket of his shorts. He begrudgingly went to grab it. He didn't know who or why they were messaging him. Whoever it knew that it was just for emergencies.
He swears that he was going to murder Sam if he sent him one of the pictures with a caption that never related to the image. Sam said that supposedly there was a joke in the caption but that just made Bucky even more confused.
Bucky didn't know why he kept the phone. He never answers it and usually, he finds out everything he needs to know by watching the news.
When Bucky did finally open his phone to see the lock screen. He stared at it in bewilderment for a long while trying to make sense as to why someone messaged him.
He noticed that it was from an unknown number. That being said there was a one in a million chance for someone to know what his number was. He sighed he was going to have to change his number again. He was surprised what the message was.
"Hey! I had a wonderful time on our date today, I was wondering if we could go on another this week? If not I completely understand I'm new to this..um..blind dating thing. I really enjoyed meeting you instead of talking to a screen! Lol! Anyway, Ttyl!"
Bucky didn’t know how or what to feel. What date? Why was she (he assumed so since the person seemed vibrant and bubbly.) So happy to see him? He didn’t even know who this person was! A thought crossed Bucky’s mind.
Perhaps he could initiate the partner she went on a date with. He wasn’t exactly busy and had a girl on his arm. He realized that if he were to go on this hypothetical date that it would be very obvious that he wasn’t the man she was interested in.
He subconsciously stood up and paced his living room to his kitchen to and fro. The soft glow of his phone illuminated his face in the dark. It was wrapped tight in his metal fingers. The yellow stripes that were like a snake coiling around his arm grew more visible.
He threw his right hand into his hair, his henley slightly rising and showing a patch of skin between the waistband of his shorts and where the sweater laid. It allowed a drooling sight of a teasing view of his defined “V” of his hip bone that flowed below his shorts.
It's been a while since he felt any blood circulate under his shorts. He didn’t understand what this girl did to him but it got him going and that was certainly uncommon under his circumstances of life.
Don’t get him wrong back in his day he was a player. Now it's lessened to nothing. Not even dates, so this could be big for him. He stopped when he concluded. What the hell did ttyl and lol mean? It took an embarrassing text to Sam and Sam merely laughed at him and told Bucky to google it. That just made things worse.
What was google? He went through every single thing on his phone until he found the icon labeled google and he did google it. ‘Talk to you later and 'laugh out loud' Oh. Bucky was embarrassed how long it took him to figure that out.
He sloppily used both of his thumbs and stood in the middle of his living room texting out a reply.
'I'm totally down to go on another date with you, sweetheart."
He was proud of himself since he remembered Sam using the word totally in a sentence before. He was confident that the confidence and the suaveness from his past never left. And then the regret started to hit him with a bat.
Why’d he called her sweetheart? What if she didn’t like to be called that. God how could he be so stupid?! He started to give up after he didn’t seem to have a reply in his future.
He sat down, crisscrossed in front of his tv and his couch, and began to swim ever so quietly in his mind. His eyes burned with strain as he watched the bright screen in front of him. A festival celebrating the new captain he nearly lost his mind until he felt a buzz against his thigh and when he looked down he saw that the mysterious girl messaged him again.
He opened his phone to find three little dots appearing and disappearing continuously. He wondered what she was writing that required that attention to thinking of what she was writing to him. He wasn’t anyone special. He was a natural disaster but that was about the unique thing about him.
He grew impatient and shifted his weight every few seconds. He was very nervous about what she was going to say. He felt like a schoolboy asking out his crush and being afraid of rejection. Lord help him because he missed feeling something other than pain. Then another buzz ran up his arm and under his spine, it was the message she sent. It was short and simple of the lines of what remembered to be:
"..."
Bucky nearly threw his phone across his apartment. But then sucked a huge breath through his teeth when another buzz went through.
"It's just no one has ever called me 'sweetheart' before."
That made Bucky feel like he wanted to crawl into the deepest darkest ice chamber and live there for the rest of his life. This was it he destroyed his life by trying to flirt with someone hundreds of years younger than him. He exposed himself and he could never redo it. He should've known that this was a bad idea.
Technically he did but he just ignored it. How could he be so idiotic to spoil his chances of getting out of this cage of death. This was the epitome of a fish drowning. He was overreacting and hyperventilating solely because he doesn't know how to flirt like the modern age. He was doomed.
His fingers resisting the strength of his mind telling him not to type out sent her the message reading:
"Do you like being called sweetheart or do you prefer doll?"
He swore he died when he saw that he sent that. SWEETHEART AND NOW DOLL? He wanted to take a steaming hot bath and maybe splurge with bubbles and fall asleep and hey maybe he'd drown.
At this point, he didn't think it wasn't that bad of an idea. He put his palms on his forehead, his knees on his thighs staring at the pitch-black rectangle below him. Impatiently waiting for her response.
An on-set headache developing from all the stress he's had under the last thirty minutes. His heart jumped at the sight of the glow lighting up his screen. He quite literally jumped out of his sin to read it:
"You have no idea. It's way better than getting called mama and shawty by the fuck boys. Lol!"
Bucky was now in the crisis of not knowing what was a shawty and an *ahem* fuck boy. It was so worrying the amount of googling Bucky has done just talking to this girl. He noted to never call her..shawty or mama and to never be a fuck boy.
When he did figure out what those things were he wasn't exactly surprised. He was jealous and angry that she'd been called things that she didn't want. The feeling was common but never this strongly. It was an odd feeling it rose from his stomach to his throat and made it dry and hard to speak.
It made him clutch the sides of his phone so harshly that webs started to hatch from within the glass. His eyes cold and dead staring at the screen reading over her sentence once, then ten times over.
A little buzz came from his phone gasping for air from Bucky choking it out with his metal hand. (You wish that was you, huh?)
"I do love how polite and gentlemanly you are tho. It's hard to find guys like you."
Such short sentences made his heart gallop so fast in minutes. The logical side of his brain kept telling him that her compliments weren't for him but the attention for someone was much louder.
Maybe his old ways of flirting were beneficial, which caused him to be more at ease. His tensed shoulders relaxed along with his metal arm. Although his body felt he was burning alive. His free hand pulled his collar off his velcro skin, letting his structured collar bones come breathable. His breathing became shallow.
"It's hard not to be when you meet someone so radiant."
He didn't even know who this girl was but all he knew is that he didn't want to lose her and become utterly alone again. Not this time. His hair stuck to his face. He was going to have to take the coldest shower ever to get rid of her and even that he won't.
"LOL, Speak for yourself, I'm nothing compared to you."
He scoffed and typed furiously, how could she think such things about herself. He was deeply frustrated he didn't know why but he felt very drawn to her. He'd do anything in his power to just want her to promise him that she'd never leave him.
God, he sounded like a psycho and maybe he was. Maybe this was his last straw and when she'd break off he would too. He was so afraid of going back to the way things were to going back to being the winter soldier that he felt like he lost his mind trying to prevent it.
"Alright doll, how about this, we meet up this Friday for dinner and a movie at nine o'clock?"
He was scared that she would reject him. Fuck. She didn't even know what he looked like. What if she took one look at him and saw past his facade and into how broken he was and decided that no. All these feelings are what drew Bucky to stop searching and to think that he was a burden to everyone. Maybe that's why he felt the only place he could be himself was when he knew that he was 100% alone.
He huffed softly and threw his head back against the couch staring up at the ceiling once again. His Adam's apple bobbed as he listened to the soft murmur of the tv. All the world's troubles put onto Steve's back for years and he gets a little tongue-tied and that was it for him.
He needed help. He needed to get better. He laughed softly, his face breaking out into creases of his tanned skin, his lips parting and his teeth glowing against the white flush. He was insane and there was no going back. He laughed at himself for what seemed like an hour until he felt the familiar buzz against his heated skin.
"Hell yes man as long as we watch sharknado!"
Bucky's smile grew more and stretched his face into a radiance that made him look like he did when he was young.
Bucky didn't know what the hell sharknado was but he was glad to know she liked him enough to go on a date with him. Bucky Barnes had a date to go on Friday and he couldn't be happier. He didn't have any nightmares that night but he'd rather have a life-ending one than what he told Yori in the morning.
It was a couple of days after the fight with Yori. Bucky finished the book the day after he read it that's why he was here along with wanting to apologize for his actions at the restaurant. He was currently sat on the wise man's couch. His son's shrine right on the small table in front of him. He bit the inside of his cheek hard and let his eyes fall elsewhere. He was ashamed to have kept this secret for so long but he couldn't find a way to tell Yori.
"Yeah, hey I murdered your son but it was fine since I was brainwashed by wanna-be nazis?" He let out a small nervous laugh and ran a hand through his hair. Yori was going to find out somehow sooner or later. Bucky just hoped it was later. He didn't want what he had with Yori to end because of his past.
"What's worrying you?" Yori said softly as he walked briskly into the living room with a cup of green tea. He sat down on the couch on the right side of the Bucky. Nearest to the door. Bucky couldn't but think Yori was in some form afraid of him since he tested him that night at the restaurant. No one ever tried to test Yori.
Bucky was different. A way that Yori wanted to understand. But Yori saw the trouble of the glass downstairs when he went to put the trash away. The brand was still visible and Yori only knew one person who drank that. Bucky. Yori figured bad things came from it.
Partly the reason since he knew what came after from drunken mishappenings. Yori sat the green tea on the brown coffee table in front of them by Bucky and put his focus back onto Bucky.
"I asked a question," Yori said softly. It seemed that Bucky was in a trance his head downward and his eyes shifting searching for something maybe an answer to Yori's question but there were so many things going through Buckys mind that it'd take months for Bucky to explain to Yori everything.
Bucky looked up to Yori with a smile but in his eyes were nothing but disaster. Yori sat uncomfortably. He was disturbed not once in the few months of knowing Bucky did not smile.
Bucky ignored the question instead "I finished the book you gave me," Bucky spoke with a waver in his voice making him sound unsure. While he reached into his pocket to grab it Yori pursed his lips.
"I didn't want you to read it I wanted you to return it to the library," Bucky's smile faltered and his eyes dimmed even darker than the way they did before. "Oh" is all Bucky said before he put the book back into his jacket pocket. He messed with the wrapping on his hand that Yori took notice of. Bucky was acting odder than usual and Yori couldn't put his finger on it.
Yori took out a scratch piece of paper and handed it to Bucky. In scratchy handwriting, Bucky assumed it was another book 'life on mars.' Then Yori spoke up "Are you going to drink your tea if not I will," Yori jabbed a finger pointing to the white cup. Bucky cleared his throat "I'm not that thirsty,"
Bucky handed over the glass cup to Yori and he glared over to Bucky and he glared back. Yori smacked his lips together after he finished. "If you're here just to have a staring contest with me, then I'm afraid you'll be here for a very long time,"
Bucky readjusted his posture and breathed roughly. "I wanted to apologize for the way I acted at the restaurant. I know I shouldn't have lost my temper at something so minor."
Bucky stopped thinking of words to say he gave up. Yori got up and left the kitchen uninterested in Bucky's apology. His son's portrait started yearning to be alive again. He stared brutally into Bucky's existence. It asked to switch position with Bucky and Bucky swore that he was out of his body and then sucked back in when Yori started to swirl a spoon around the top of the lip of the cup.
"Sugar makes green tea flavorful," Yori sat down when he was finished he swirled it into the now full cup. Bucky guessed he made a few more for later. Yori came back up to the lip and dampened it with tea it made and a remarkably loud song.
Around and around it went putting Bucky into a trance his posture regained to straight and his shoulder back head high with eyes dead. "When my son, RJ, was one he used to sing this song 'a longing rusted freight car coming to an end where it went when the furnace descended.' it was quite a beautiful song when he sang it,"
Bucky heard bits and pieces before his brain went to a mush of the activation words being said in his head. "When he was nine had a tumor and we took him to the doctor but we found out it was benign."
Bucky couldn't hear. He couldn't see. The sky was filled to the brim with stars. The moon brightened and removed his appearance from the trace of a normal eye. He stepped carefully on the roof of the building. His suit blending him into the shadows. His hair stuck to his face closing him in and disguising him more than he already is. He saw RJ through the roof's window. This couldn't have gone more perfectly. He slipped behind one of the paintings and was quiet, his breathing irregular. He heard footsteps and assumed it was RJ and punched through the painting and grabbed tightly onto the neck of the man he mistakenly thought was RJ and tossed him back into the debris of the painting. A man came after him and he quickly threw the knife from the back of his belt and plunged it into the neck of his victim. Another man slammed into the stairway when he flew out of the painting the rest of the men flew down the stairs in pursuit of fleeing the winter soldier. As they shot at him he was faster and killed them first he jumped off the stairs and threw the other spare knife at the man in front of him. An old man grey in the green leather jacket he smashed against the wall even threw metal Bucky could feel the man's heartbeat quickening and then faltering to nothingness. "Hail Hydra'' The last words the man heard as he dropped from Buckys grip to a heap of a corpse in a matter of seconds. Bucky turned to his right and watched the RJ struggle to put the key to escape Bucky. Bucky wanted to laugh at how weak and puny his attempt was to get away; he was constantly looking behind him at Bucky. Closer and closer Bucky's strides were to capture his life. Bucky's shoulder swayed a demeanor threatened with authority and anyone who dared to test it would feel the stupidity of their choice. When RJ started to beg Bucky thought that was all he had in him. Bucky didn't care. He raised his hand and straightened it perfectly matching the hilt to the RJs head.
"I KILLED RJ!" Bucky yelled standing upright. Saliva flew onto Yori when he screamed. Bucky's metal arm was tightly tied around Yori's throat. Yori was in pure terror, his eyes wide, his hands in front of him wrapped around the metal as he leaned back to get away from Bucky as he confessed to him who killed his son.
His mouth was wide in shock gasping for air. Bucky's eyes widened in horror, his mind running thousands of thoughts per second he took his hand off Yori's throat and choked on air. Bucky stared down at his metallic pitch-black hand and then Bucky ran. He ran to his apartment. Hands in his hair pacing kitchen to the living room.
What the actual fuck did he just do? He felt tears brim his eyes and he couldn't believe what he just did. He ruined everything he worked for since Wakanda. His reputation was obliterated just like that in a matter of seconds. His breathing became ragged; he managed to take off his dark black leather jacket and tossed it to the couch.
The black t-shirt he had on raised slightly from his arms being on his head. His wrapped hand tore into his skin making him even more upset from the broken mirror in his bathroom that he still didn't clean up. The memory just kept running itself over in his head he couldn't stop thinking about it. Yori's reaction.
There's no way he'd be able to repair what he did to Yori and he'd had to live the rest of his life knowing how badly he fucked up. He wanted to so badly tear this goddamn arm off with everything he had. He remembered trying the old one off that Hydra gave him it never worked. He still had the deep gashes from his nails where they latched onto his shoulder.
The scars never really healed right, instead of being in the skin, they rose like mountains from it. Bucky clutched his head tightly, his form shaking with tremors. He just kept thinking of the word stupid.
"I, John Walker. Captain America has taken the super-soldier serum and in my disregard, I feel as if there are no consequences and it should be open to the public. And in retrospect of the world, I personally think that Steve Rogers was too soft on his components and since I have taken the serum I will no longer be tolerating the life of the terrorists. That being said I will in no regard will hold back. I will do everything in my power to rid this Earth of the monsters we know until their last god-ridden breath."
Bucky lifted his head from its place hanging down into his hands, his jaw gritted tight, his nose flared, and his eyes full of fury. John Walker. He was going to kill that man one way or another. Bucky was pissed so beyond natural anger that he stood up and walked straight in front of the tv.
This man was beyond no right in having that televised. What he said could destroy the world in an instant. Who or why did he get the serum from? And Bucky was the time bomb? Bucky closed his eyes, his hands turned into tight fists, and let the image of John Walker in an interview with a lady sat across from him at John's old school burn in his mind. The white noise of the crowd cheering John's opinion made Bucky's blood boil.
Bucky thought he had calmed himself until he opened his eyes he saw John look into the camera and point.
"The world would be a better place if there were more brave soldiers like me."
Bucky reared his metal fist back and pounded the tv until the screen was ridden of John Walker's face. Bucky came to the idea that when he got another tv maybe he shouldn't watch the news for a while. Glass fell on the table and pieces on the wood floor by his feet.
He fell to his knees. His knees cracked from all his weight on them with no support. His knees being crushed by the glass. His hands hiding his face from the world.
His cheeks and face grew warm from how he felt. His nose burned when tears started to fall ever so gently down his cheeks. Grey eyes becoming the most vibrant of blues. He choked softly, his throat closing as he sat there in the middle of his destroyed living room. His apartment is the greatest amphitheater in the world.
His shoulders rising and falling and stuttering when he gagged on air. He parted his hands from his face and sat upright. His hands fell into fists, his arms tensed and the veins in his neck pulsed when he let out a blood curdling scream. It was a long screech filled with his voice cracking his vocal cords giving upon him.
His tears despite his yelling still fell and stained his cheeks. He thought so many things at once and everything involved him being a monster. He was hurt and this was the worst self-harm. The arm was given to him and the brain that wasn't his own.
He decided that he needed to go on a walk to calm himself down. Maybe he'd go and return Yori's book. All he knew is that the world for Bucky Barnes was getting darker and worse by the day. Who knows how long until he loses who he is. But one thing was for sure. It wasn't going to be for long until he does.
He stayed home for the rest of that day. It was in the evening when he had gotten home from Yori's. He was still greatly upset by what happened. He couldn't think about it until he grew angry with a suicidal rage. He was alone. All over again the monster that kids are scared to go to sleep over.
He sat by the window again just in the same random shorts and no shirt out of fear of coating it in sweat. It was the least of his problems but it was still a burden. He wished he had something to listen to, his thoughts were so loud that he was surprised that mind readers didn't go deaf from it. He watched the people below him walk past the building complex.
Not batting an eye at the monster in the window above them. He wanted to laugh at how normal people were and how he was once like them but now turned into this creature. His shoulders broad and held his form up by the sides of his sculpted waist.
His legs crossed over another he leaned against the wall that joined the window in the corner. He sat across from the kitchen. His stomach growled at the thought of food, the last time he could remember eating something was at the restaurant and that was just a nibble. It wasn't like he could eat something. He never splurged on food, all the food he had was fruit sitting in a white complimentary bowl on the middle of the island.
He pushed his head against the wall swallowing thickly debating whether he should or not. He decided he didn't deserve it after what he's done. Disrupted from his thoughts he felt a buzz on his thigh in the pocket of his shorts.
He fished out the stupid little box and saw that it once again another text from Sam. He's been ignoring them since he's had Sam's contact; he deemed them not worthy of a response. They were all on the lines of are you okay? Bucky smiled at something so incredulous. He started typing out
Yeah. Just losing my mind but other than that I'm just fine. But went against it. When he read more of the missed messages one did pique his interest. Did you hear about the rumor of Steve being on the moon? Bucky's eyebrows furrowed and his face contorted. What? How could Steve be on the moon? Sam and he literally watched Steve grow old in front of them. How absurd to say that Steve was on the moon. But when Bucky thought more of it, it reminded him of what he read in the book.
Talk to the stars and they'll talk back. Bucky groaned in annoyance. Was this what he was resorting to in a desperate measure for interaction? Talking to inanimate things. He let out a deep breath his chest rose then fell shortly after. He closed his eyes imagining Steve back in Brooklyn and all the mischievous things they did.
He remembered the day Steve got rejected and then Bucky being deployed the next day. The day that started it all. The downfall of Bucky's life. Bucky didn't know what he would say to Steve but he thought he started out well enough.
"Do you remember when we were kids and we'd always have to act like we were soldiers because of you. God Steve even when we were kids you had your mind made up. Always wanting to be something when I couldn't even choose what cereal I wanted,"
Bucky stopped and thought over the words he said. It was true. Steve was always headstrong about everything he wanted. Bucky remembered that Steve was going to create this comic of this monkey who shot bananas out of a bazooka. And Steve did.
It never took off or anything it was just the thought of if anything Steve wanted he would never stop until he got it.
While Bucky always had his priorities elsewhere, the majority of the time he made Steve do his homework so he wouldn't fail. Two opposite people were the best of friends, who knew that one of them would turn out to be the villain.
"You know Steve I enlisted because I felt like I had to prove something, I had to prove that I was better at something than you. Just that one thing I ended up not even being better than you at."
Bucky's voice was dry and raspy when he spoke. The screaming fried his throat when he talked. It burned like a good bottle of Shōchū.
He'd kill for a bottle right now. He was starting to understand that this wouldn't work but he grew angrier at the thought of Steve trading him out for some girl. Bucky knew how much Peggy mattered to Steve but he still never got why he'd trade him out for her. He was jealous in a sense over the life Steve got.
"If I could I would change places with you in an instant, to be at peace. You got to live your life and I had to decay for years without my best friend. Maybe this was for the best so you couldn't see me become who I am now. Someone that we swore to never be ever since we were kids, the bad guy."
Bucky chewed on his lip after that. Til the end of the line his ass. Bucky ran his hand through his hair, the strands comforting his hand. He got up from the window and walked over to his little bed and went to sleep. The night's toll took everything out of him.
The only thing he currently wanted was this thing he had with this girl to be good. How wrong he was.
He decided that he was going to go and return the book Yori gave him. He still hated what happened and he knew trying to fix it would make it worse. The least he could do is get him the book he wanted. So Bucky put on his washed-out jeans, his shirt he wore yesterday, shrugged on his jackets and slipped his feet into his boots, and a black glove to hide his metallic arm, and went to the Library.
The library was a little old place with the roof caving in not far from the complex building. He wondered why Yori didn't just go and get it himself, Bucky didn't really care about having to go but he just wanted to know if Yori was okay and doing well.
Bucky went down the stairs and found a few remaining pieces of the glass bottle he broke last week. The memory of him falling and breaking it etched in his mind vividly. He felt a chill run up his spine at the feeling of someone seeing him like that.
He hurried down the last of the stairs and opened the glass door and went outside. The warm air wafted itself around him in a soft summer breeze. It was warm but not hot enough for him to go without a jacket and the chilly breeze lightened it up. It felt relaxing since he forgot how long it's been outside of his apartment.
He took long strides on his walk. But he couldn't shake the paranoia of being stalked. He was about halfway when he saw a shadow mock him. He walked faster not wanting to have to deal with this today.
The other person's shadow grew larger and bigger as Bucky walked further. When Bucky saw the library and a few he nearly bolted to the building. When he was inside he saw that it was just a lost dog. He was losing it. He sighed his mind relaxing and then jolting when he felt a hand touch his shoulder.
"Hey, are you okay mister?"
A warm voice made his heart pump faster than it already was he felt like he was going to have a heart attack. When he turned around he was met by easily the most beautiful girl. It was you. He thought in that instant that everything about you was perfect the way your eyes looked at him, the way your face was adorable, the way your hair fell behind your ears, the way your lips looked the most perfect shade along with your eyes. He promised himself when he got home that he'd paint his whole apartment that color.
He went cross-eyed from staring at the shape of your lips and how they shaped around the words he couldn't hear from being so entranced by you. He started to feel his heartbeat out of his chest. When he thought of how you'd look with pretty lips wrapped around him and dull bedroom eyes looking up at him through thick eyelashes. He needed to stop, he just met you and now he's so hard against his jeans that he was sure that he was bruised.
And your hands on his shoulders shaking him wasn't helping him. His trance was broken when he realized what was happening. "Huh?" That is all he managed to make out through his lust-clouded mind. You did this face that made him die, it was when your eyebrows furrowed and your lips went to one side pursed together. Your eyes were cut at him and he knew he was in trouble but he just couldn't help being enticed by you.
"I asked if you needed help," You stopped and wagged a finger in his way "You're all sweaty." He looked down at himself and you were right, his hair stuck down and his shirt showed pools. Shit. Way to embarrass yourself, Buck. You're sweaty, you're horny for some girl you just met. He was a trainwreck embodied. "I'm okay, it's just the heat," Bucky spoke with uncertainty. He had no idea what was happening why he was acting like this. He usually never felt like this around a girl, especially one he just met.
Your face was still cut, your lips went back into the fullness of how they are naturally. "Weird but okay." You spoke under your breath since it wasn't sweating weather outside. You were going to be the death of him and thankfully there were only a couple of other people in the library since it was the morning of a weekday.
"There's a cool spot where the ac is over there." She turned and pointed towards the left somewhere. He couldn't concentrate in the slightest even if he tried. And god your body from just the standard shirt and jeans you wore he felt his turn into skinny jeans.
"But anyway if you need me just yell, its y/n." And you left and when you walked away to assist someone else he got the perfect view of your ass. He scurried into the thick of the bookshelves and triple-checked if anyone was around him and adjusted himself.
It was so painful to not jump your bones right there. He rubbed his face with his hands and groaned. Get it together Buck. He realizes that he was going to have to go and talk to you again since he had to check the book in. He mentally stabs himself in the neck.
He calms himself down enough so that he could talk to you again. He feels like a prepubescent boy talking to his crush. Bucky guessed that he lost his cool with talking to girls over the years since he stopped. This was hell. You were at the front desk, the one in front of the door. You were reading some book that he didn't know.
He took a moment to admire the way your hair frames your face, the way your ass jutted out so you could lean over the desk on your forearms. Your free hand, the one not holding your page was used as a support beam for your face under your chin. God you were so beautiful, he hooked his finger under the collar of his shirt and started to flick it back and forth to generate air.
He was the human-dog drooling over a mate. He hated himself for not getting to know you and he already felt like this towards you. He was a monster but he wasn't impolite; he drew the line there. He was in the clouds that he didn't notice you staring at him with squinted eyes. "Can I help you, sir?" Your voice hung on sir in his mind.
He couldn't help but envision you beneath him moaning sir. "Uh, yeah, there's this book" He startled himself when his voice croaked out a response. He patted the pocket of his jacket and had a crisis when he thought he left it at home. But when he shoved his hands into his pocket he let out a smile of relief and grabbed it and slid it over to you on the other side of the desk.
"I need you to check that in and then" He stopped and searched for the piece of paper Yori gave him. He found it crumpled as lint in the bottom of his other pocket and the words faded. "Shit, uh, and check out this." He shoved his hands in his pocket and looked at his feet afraid of confrontation. You silently grabbed the book and checked it in and grabbed the note. You couldn't make out a single letter. Your eyebrows pinched together and when he looked up quickly and then darted his eyes away. He knew that you couldn't.
He wanted a sinkhole to open up and swallow him whole. You scratched the back of your neck trying to decipher the note "I can recommend something similar to the book you turned in, I'm sorry but I can't read this." You spoke with sincerity. And walked out behind the desk and poor Bucky followed you like a lovesick puppy.
You cursed Jordan, another employee for putting the desired book on the top shelf. The bookshelves were very tall and you weren't short but you weren't 7' foot either. You pinched your nose shutting your eyes and put a hand on your hip. "Do you see the book at the very top with the red back?" You muttered and Bucky looked up and saw the issue. "Do you want me to grab it for you?" Bucky looked at you with the softest eyes and you couldn't help but admire them.
You shook your head and lord you were about to melt. His body was brushed up against yours, you could've moved but you really didn't. You could feel the texture of his jacket against your soft skin and you cursed yourself for blushing. He took notice and let a small smile creep on his face when he handed you the book and your head was hung low when you walked back behind the desk.
Bucky guessed that he didn't completely lose his effect on girls. When you were checking out the book he noticed the book you were reading. It was The hobbit. He actually enjoyed the book when he read it when it first came out. He didn't take an interest in fantasy and so he shrugged it off until he actually read it.
When you stamped the books inside the page and slid it back. Bucky smirked "You know they all die in the end." The pure confusion on your face was amusing and with that, he left.
When he got home he started to feel the metal of his arm become rusted and thinking back it had been a while since the last time he cleaned it. He was wanting it to fall off so bad that he forgot he actually needed it.
He wondered where the girl went that texted him before. He didn't want to bother her by texting her first that to him was unnatural. It didn't bother him that much since he used to. And that the date was tomorrow so she would either show up or not and he'd suffer the consequences either way.
He went to the bathroom to grab the grease and a rag he uses every time in the cabinet under the sink.
He stopped shortly catching himself in the shattered mirror. The bandage on his chin began to fall off God forbid it started to at the library. He took it off slowly, the hair of his stubble getting caught in the crossfire. There was a bright pink little scar where the gash was. His skin healed relatively fast but it never cured the scars. He figured if his chin was healed that his hand should be.
He unwrapped his hand slowly for some reason he was scared of what it looked like. When he finally finished unwrapping his palm was littered with scars ranging in size. He touched the scars to see if they hurt with his metal hand and nothing.
Just a scar.
Bucky grabbed the grease and took off his jacket and boots and the first time he moved in he sat on the couch.
It was stiff as ever and it never got out of the store phase. He poured some grease on the white rag and it turned brown and he started to put it in the creases where he noticed it too slow. His mind ran back to you that never happened to him. God he was caught red-handed too, he'd have to take a very long and cold shower when he was done cleaning his arm. The rest of the evening all he could think about was what would happen tomorrow and how he'd destroy the girl of his dreams.
Bucky spent Friday constantly checking his phone for two reasons.
1) to see if his admirer would message him and
2) always checking the time.
He honestly couldn't wait; it's been forever and he was excited about something new. For change. The only source of entertainment he had was the book he checked out earlier. It wasn't the book he was supposed to get. The book in contrast was called American Psycho.
Bucky was about halfway and he fairly enjoyed it. Although it disturbed him since he found similarities in himself with Patrick Bateman. Bucky laughed at all the dark jokes and liked all the points where Patrick lost all sanity; it was the highlight of the book.
Bucky flipped one of the knives carelessly in the hand that wasn't occupied by the book. Bucky loved the power a single knife had. A single slip of the wrist could end something as fast as it began. Time flew by when simple hobbies turned into jobs. He cursed himself because it was seven o clock and he had only an hour to go to the restaurant which was the sushi place that he and Yori used to eat at.
He texted the directions to the girl, he grabbed his glove and jacket and shoved the knife in the back of his belt and fled down the stairs and out the door, and ran the rest of the way.
You sat at the small petite table, your phone clutched in your hand carefully watching the time. When it turned to 8:55 your gut twisted. Maybe he didn't like you as much as you liked him.
The waitress came by once again asking if everything was okay and if you'd like to eat and each time and you'd have to politely decline. You crossed and uncrossed your legs, they grew numb from you sitting in the wooden chair for the past hour. You didn't know what to wear so you opted for a sleek white dress and some heels.
You hoped you didn't overdress and make the wrong impression. You sipped on your water looking through the window to find any hint of your lover boy. You knew what to look for since you knew who it was. But maybe he didn't come and you were set up. How embarrassing this was. Yori told you that he was stubborn but he seemed pretty into you at the library. You know Yori through Leah, an employee at the restaurant who was a friend of yours.
She promised you that she would pay for your meal every time you ate there. How could you refuse? You sighed and began to get up and leave since you thought Bucky gave up on wanting to go on the date. You quickly sat down when you heard the bell of the door ring open and then there he was in all his glory.
Bucky Barnes, in the same leather jacket but you couldn't believe how good he looked underneath the dim light. His bandages were now gone and his face was sullen and structured from the shadows that made his face deepen. You smiled your ruby lips catching Bucky's attention and he hadn't seen something so pleasing to the eye in ages. Although he was confused since he didn't know that it was you who he was texting was there something going on that he didn't know about?
He pulled out the chair and sat across from you with his face stern. "Why didn't you tell me it was you that I was talking to?" He spoke slowly and his head tilted in question like a puppy's. "Yori told me about how you are with dating and he was afraid of you always being alone, and he gave me your number, I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
You fiddled with your fingers when you talked you were nervous about his reaction. You knew all about Bucky's reputation and embarrassing enough growing up you developed a crush on him, so you jumped for this opportunity.
You loved how strong and brave he was and even though he was brainwashed you thought of him as a good person. He chewed on the inside of his cheek thinking of what were the right words to say. "Just no more secrets from now on." With that, he waved down the waitress for a bottle of Shōchū.
After the half, the bottle was gone you couldn't help but be in wonder from how he managed to be able to drink all that meanwhile you were still sipping on your first shot. Every sip you took you gagged and your face turned into a kid who took their first sip of alcohol which made Bucky laugh.
Dinner was going along nicely there were many jokes and stories shared but Bucky couldn't help but be skeptical of how this could work. Bucky was severely messed up and couldn't care for another. He wanted to but he was just incapable, maybe he could just live this lie and things could be normal.
When they called for closure Bucky finished laughing at some remark you made, you and he were sat there talking for a couple of hours. It was just so easy to talk to him. Although you did notice a few times he would wince in pain and put his face in his hands. You thought it was odd but shrugged it off from his excessive drinking. Speaking of the devil he asked
"Do you want to go to my place. There have been complications with my tv so we can't watch a movie, but I can keep you company." You smiled a drunken buzz of Shōchū. Not nearly did you drink as much as Bucky but it was still written across your features. Your face flushed pink and your body made of jello hung off of Bucky's arm the whole walk to his house and Bucky every now and then had to pick you up.
Bucky didn't want to do anything rash to you but in the back of his mind, something kept itching it made it so painful that he couldn't ignore it. It kept making him shake his head and wince it was like a headache but much more painful. When he got into his apartment you took notice of what he meant by complications of a totaled tv. You shed off your heels and sat on the tv nervous to be in Bucky's house, your form off-putting to Bucky.
He sat down across the couch from you and he became hurt by you sitting so far away from him. "Are you scared of me or something?" He spoke grimly staring at the floor, his face holding no emotion to his words. "What? no!" You were shocked by his words. How could he assume that you were scared of him? Bucky looked your way and a strange look appeared in his eyes.
"Then why are you sitting so far away from me?" He gritted his teeth and his hands turned into fists, they were clamped tightly together on his thighs and this side of Bucky did scare you. He wasn't Bucky, he looked like him but his whole persona changed in the span of minutes. You wondered if it was something you said or did.
You became fearful when he fell off the couch onto his knees his head clutched in his hands. He started to scream not like the ones before this one was full of pain and torment. The moon's light made this scene unfold a lot more sinister. What was happening to him, why was he acting this way? Then all of a sudden he grew very quiet nothing could be heard other than your breathing.
You were confused and scared but you did care for Bucky and in his position, you assumed he was in serious need of help. You walked carefully taking notice to not step loudly to provoke him. You crouched down your dress falling over your feet, you reached your right hand out hesitant towards Bucky.
You stayed with your hand on his shoulder
"Bucky?"
You whispered softly, scared to disturb him. Everything was at ease at a calm one that felt too unrealistic.
That was true because a few seconds later Bucky grumbled out
"Who the hell is Bucky."
He slung around his body twisted and grabbed a knife from the back of his belt and stabbed you straight into the heart with it. Before you could even have time to run it was over.
The white of your dress now became a soaking deep red. The way your eyes forever open to the moon the way the moon took your life. And that day was when Bucky Barnes lost his sanity and forever came the winter soldier.
*A few months later*
She sat with her legs crossed, her hair tied up perfectly.
Her posture evenly to the ceiling while sitting. The only one that a soldier would perfect. She read over his portfolio over and over to get every last detail to stick in her mind so she wouldn't forget.
She breathed heavily finishing the last sentence. She took off her glasses and shut the case file on her lap, and put her right elbow up on the white seat, her glasses in the same hand.
She pursed her lips staring at the man in front of her and sat on the white couch in front of a forest mural. He was in all black a blank face, his hair a little longer and his stubble now thicker.
He played with the pink protruding scar on his right hand. Pushing and watching the blood rush to it. She wrote that in the notebook.
When he caught notice he stopped and tilted his head slightly. He narrowed his eyes and stared at her.
He was convicted of third-degree murder and numerous accounts of other convictions.
She thought over all the things that were stated in the portfolio but what struck her the most was that he drank excessively and faked being drunk just to feel
"more human."
She thought of a way to form a sentence to not upset him about what he's telling her to see if what he recollected matched what was in the documents but there was no easy way to do that.
She listened to him finish the last of what he was telling her:
"And that's how the story ended."
Fin.
87 notes · View notes
delightfulfics · 3 years
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The Fight Before Christmas (Avengers x Reader)
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You always loved the holiday season. Especially when you spent it at the compound. Tony and all the other Avengers always made sure you (as well as themselves) had the best holiday and that is exactly what they did this year.
Since Tony was in charge (obviously) he gave each one of you a task to do to ensure that they were in good shape for the next day. Tony and Steve were in charge with ensuring that all the decorations were in place. Wanda and Natasha were in charge of wrapping any leftover presents and making sure they were all under the tree and you, Bucky, Peter, Sam and Clint had the task of picking tonight’s activities and movies. 
“We are not playing Twister.”
“Why not?!” you and Peter whined at Bucky as he walked around the living room, placing pillows and blankets for everyone. 
“You remember the last time we played twister? When you both kicked me in the face?” Yes, you did. But it was an accident.
“Mr. Barnes it was an accident.”
“But, it could happen again, Spidey,” Sam stated as he walked into the living room, jumping on the couch and crumpling up the blankets that was just placed moments ago, making Bucky glare at the Falcon.
“No it won’t. Buck don’t listen to the bird.”
“Hey!” 
“Did someone call me?” Clint asked, poking his head into the room.
“No one called you Barton.”
“Alright. Well, I am going back to my space. See you later!”
“Shouldn’t he be helping us?”
“Yes he should,” Bucky said as he glared at the door-way that Barton just walked through.
“Bucky!” you whined catching his attention. “The least you could do is let me and Pete pick the movie if you won’t let us play Twister.”
“Yeah!”
“No!” you whipped your head towards Sam and glared at him.
“Why not?!”
“Cause I wanted to.”
“But you picked the game we should play!”
“But, I called it earlier.”
“No you didn’t!”
“Yes I did!”
“No-”
“Y/N! Sam! Knock it off!” You and Sam snapped your mouths shut as soon as Bucky yelled. “Sam, Peter and Y/N are gonna pick the movie.”
“YES!” you and Peter yelled.
“Ughh! So un-fair!”
“Sorry not sorry Mr. Wilson.”
“Nice, Pete!”
“Y/N. No one asked for your opinion!”
“Oh yeah!” you growled and tackled Sam to the floor. 
“HEY!”
“Why don’t you ever shut your mouth Samantha!”
“You know my name is not Samantha!” he yelled as he flipped you over so his legs was over your waist and you were pinned to the ground.
“Your name is Samantha!”
“No it is not!”
“Yes it-”
“ALRIGHT THAT IS IT WITH YOU TWO!”  Before both you and Sam knew you were under Bucky. “Now, I am gonna make sure that both of you will keep your mouths shut and stop arguing with each other.”
“And how exactly are you gonna do that Barnes?”
“Why don’t I show you?” Buck smiled evilly and drilled both of his hands on both of your stomach making you and Sam screech like Banshees.
“NO BUCKY NOO!” you cackled at his foolish actions. You originally thought that he take Peter and just leave you two to argue but nope. He decided to put this argument to rest.
“What is going on here!” 
Your eyes lit up with hope as you saw Tony and Steve walk into the living room.
“BUCKY IS KILLING USSS!”
“No I am not.”
“He isn’t. Right Steve?”
“Yes. Buck is getting the wrong spots. I think we should help them out.”
“100% agree with you Cap,” Tony said with a smirk and made his way towards you. 
“Bucky, I got her why don’t you get Peter?”
“Wh- Mr Barnes. I didn’t do anything!” Peter ran out the door and down the hall screaming and begging for mercy from the Winter Solider.
Your attention shifted to Tony as he grabbed your wrists and pulled them above your head.
“Kid, you’ve got yourself in some sort of predicament don’t you?”
“Tony pl-”
“Ah ah ah. You know that’s not gonna work with me so I wouldn’t even try. But, I have heard you got into an argument with the Falcon over there.”
Tony pointed at Sam squirming and cackling under Steve as he cooed and tickled him.
“You should be laughing as much as Sam is!” Tony did not hesitate to dig his head into your neck , moving his scratchy beard along your sensitive skin. You giggled, kicked your feet and tried to squish Tony’s head out of your neck but it was like he was attached to it. 
“TONY IM SORRY!”
“Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to the giggling Falcon.”
“IM SORRY SAM!”
“Sam apologize to Y/N”
“But- OKKAY IM SORRY!” 
That was both Steve and Tony’s cue to let you up. You and Sam were panting on the floor and letting out all your giggles. 
“Hey is everyone ready- what happened here?”
“Oh Nat, Wanda. Are all the presents in order.”
“Yes they are. What happened?”
“Oh, them?” he said gesturing to you two on the floor. “They needed to be taught a lesson since they weren’t being very jolly towards each other.”
“Oh. Well should we begin the movie?”
“Yes. Y/N what did you choose?” Bucky asked as he walked in the living room with Peter thrown over the shoulder in the same state as you and Sam were in.
“I did not get the chance to choose because I WAS TORTURED.”
You ended by choosing “Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas,” and were cuddled up with Tony on a small recliner.
“Y/N?”
“Yeah Stark?”
“We love you. You know that?”
“Yes I do. I love you all too. Thank you for everything.”
“Anytime, kid.”
The rest of the night was filled with fun and laughter and that day would be looked on in the future with smiles and giggles. 
Did not know how to end this so the end?
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clintbartonswife · 4 years
Text
bird cage
Pairings: Sam Wilson x Reader, mentioned!Sam x Riley, Steve, Natasha Summary: HYDRA had caged you, all Sam wants to do is set you free Notes: mentions HYDRA torture, soulmate!au, mutual pining? I will probably write a part two to this at some point masterlist  ||  part two
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The mark on you collar bone was all you had left - the only thing that their machines couldn't take from you.
No one had ever told you what the mark meant, why the bird was caged behind iron bars, or why it couldn't be removed. You were grateful for it though.
The mark gave you a sense of comfort that you never got from anything else. No matter how many times they tried to break you, all you had to do was look at the bird and you felt calm again, safe amongst the worst people you’d ever met.
For the last few days, it was the only thing you concentrated on.
No one came in and out of your cell, the isolation confusing to you. Normally you’d be experimented on at least every other day, not to mention the leering insults that would normally get thrown at you by passing guards.
You guessed you should revel in the silence while you had a chance, an uneasy feeling brewing in your gut.
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You were awoken the next day to footsteps echoing through the corridor just outside of your cell, the first sound you had heard in days. You stilled, fear coursing through your veins as you realised you didn't recognise them.
You had been stuck here for so long that by now you could tell every guard, scientist and staff member apart just by the sound of their footsteps. This person was new.
New recruits usually meant pain.
Another two pairs of footsteps joined the first, your heart now beating like crazy. Three. Three new people. 
“Anything?”
The voice seemed to bounce off the walls of your cell, crisp, clear and direct. Authoritarian. A new handler perhaps?
“He’s not here - I checked”
Another man’s voice, though this one was softer. Before you could register what he had said, the third voice spoke.
“Did you check the cells?”
Female. Also hard, though not as harsh as you were used to. Who were these people?
The second man spoke again, this time nearer your cell, “Not all of them - why would Barnes be hiding in a cell?”
“That exact reason” The woman replied, sounding slightly exasperated as footsteps moved further left, “you didn't think to check”
“huh”
You held your breath as the sound of opening cell doors filled the space, your hand reaching up to cover your mark protectively as you curled up in the corner of your cell.
Jumping slightly as your door swung open, you kept your head tucked in between your legs, trying your best not to move a muscle.
“No, nothing in he- holy shit!”
“What, Sam?” the woman said, footsteps hurriedly rushing over towards you.
“There’s a person in here”
“Barnes?” 
“No - too small” 
You tensed up further as you heard some shuffling by the doorway, the woman stepping over to you. She stopped a safe distance away.
“Are you okay?”
How on earth were you supposed to answer that?
Sensing your reluctance to answer, the second man - Sam? - spoke again, “We’re not HYDRA”
“What?”
Your voice was croaky from misuse, eyes narrowing as you slightly lifted your head up, getting your first glance at the new arrivals.
The woman was standing just slightly to your left, the two men blocking the doorway.
“We’re not with HYDRA” the first man repeated, more firmly this time, “you’re safe”
You huffed a laugh at that, curling back into your tight ball, “Am I? How do I know you’re not just gonna kidnap me like they did, huh?”
“Because we’re looking for somebody” the first man replied, choosing his words carefully, “somebody who was taken - like you. We hate what HYDRA did to them. We’d never do the same”
“Who?”
“Im sorry?” Sam asked
“Who are you looking for?”
“His name’s Bucky - you may know him as the Winter Soldier” 
You turned to face the woman, eyes connecting to hers.
“You wont find him”
The blond man stepped forwards, hand lifting his shield threateningly, “Excuse me?”
“Steve-”
Backing even further into the corner, you made eye contact with Sam, “You wont find him. When he wants to be found, he’ll come to you”
“How do you know?”
You tapped the side of your head lightly, a small smile on your face.
Huffing, the first man Steve stood down, arm returning to his side.
“There’s no one left here. It was abandoned - they left you here to rot”
A mirthless chuckle escaped you, hugging your arms tighter around your body, “They gave me mercy”
The woman beside you frowned, exchanging a glance with the other two before offering her hand, “Come with us. We can take you somewhere safe”
You eyed the hand warily for a minute. With a sigh, you uncurled and accepted it, letting her help you off of the ground.
A small gasp came from Sam, his eyes fixed on your mark.
“It’s you”
“What?”
“Her collar bone - look Nat”
Your hand moved to cover it automatically, not liking the attention it was getting, starting to back off into the corner again.
“I don't understand” you whispered, eyeing them.
The excited look on Sam’s face dimmed, his fists clenching slightly as he stepped forward, “do you know what that is?”
His voice sounded almost hurt, his eyes turning sad as you shook your head.
“I know its mine” you eventually said, lifting your head up higher, “They couldn't take it away from me”
This time it was Steve who stepped forward, face aghast as Sam let out a punched noise.
“God, no - we’d never - they tried to remove it?” 
You nodded, gaze flitting between the three of them. The woman’s face was steely, though her eyes were angry.
“If you come with us they wont be able to try again” Nat spoke, tone calculated, “You can keep it - that's a promise”
Hesitating for only a moment, you nodded, Sam relaxing slightly.
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You didn't speak again until you boarded their jet, carrying you away from the cold grey walls that you had been encased in for years.
“What is it?”
Your voice was quiet, and you were sure that if Sam hadn't been watching you so closesly it would’ve been lost amongst the white noise of the engine.
“What’s what?”
“The mark - you seemed to know what it was when you saw it”
His gaze moved to your collarbone where your fingers gently stroked the branded skin, clearing his throat before answering.
“Everyone’s born with at least one on their skin” he stated, avoiding eye contact, “they’re called soulmarks, and they all have a copy on the skin of someone else”
“Everyone has one?”
“Yes”
“What happens when you find the one that matches?”
Sam gave you a small smile, averting his gaze to his feet as he cleared his throat, “You know you’ve found your soulmate”
You gave a small noise, to let him know you’d heard him, before frowning in thought. Silence fell over the two of you again, only breaking when you nudged his leg with your foot.
“Soulmates are safe” you stated, voice slightly unsure, “I think I know that”
Sam smiled again, this time with a less melancholic look, and nodded.
“They should be, yes”
You took a moment to let the validation sink in, going back to staring resolutely at your hands placed in your lap.
“Do you think my soulmate would still want me?”
“Wha- of course. Why would you ask that?”
You flashed him a rueful smile, gesturing in the direction you had come from.
“Well, I don't think that matters at all” Sam said firmly, “You weren't there by choice”
You hummed thoughtfully, tilting your head to the side as you surveyed him.
“Where’s your mark?”
“I have two” Sam said, hand absentmindedly coming to rest on his thigh, “though the first one is fading quite a bit now”
You frowned, “why?”
“They died”
“Oh... why do they fade?”
Sam shrugged, sadness clear in his eyes, “No one’s really sure. The marks just fade out until they look like a scar - still there but less … obvious”
“And your other mark?”
Sam just smiled, turning around as Nat’s voice ran over the intercom, “ETA 3 minutes, get your gear ready to go, Maximoff is waiting outside the safe house”
“I’ll be back” Sam sighed, moving to the other side of the jet where he started to re-pack the equipment. 
Your thoughts began to take over as you listened absentmindedly to the sounds of the aircraft, fingers lightly tracing the lines soothingly. You knew that you felt safe around Sam, the others not so much - but if he trusted them then you guess they couldn't be too bad - besides, it’s not like you had much choice in the matter. 
“We’re here” Sam murmured, hand gently hovering over your shoulder, as if afraid to spook you, “you’re safe now”
________________________________________________________________
@xxloki81xx​  @geeksareunique​  @bangtan-serendipity​
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angelofhell-666 · 4 years
Text
“That’s my granddaughter Bucky...” Part 6
You guys got lucky and got two parts in two days! Who needs sleep anyways honestly? i really hope yall love where this is going for them finding out she’s related to Steve.
Words- 1,507
Warnings- violence, language.
6 o clock rolled around way to fast to my liking. I spent the day being nervous and anxious of course so I kept my mind busy by trying to sow and fix up my suit. I was sitting outside at the patio table when gramps came out.
“Shit! Ugh! Screw this!” I was yelling to myself. I threw the suit down and my arms in the air as I got frustrated.
“What’s wrong they didn’t teach you home ed in school?” he laughed as he came down to sit next to me.
I scoffed, “No I went to school in the 2000’s where they didn’t think that was necessary.”  I folded my arms over my chest. “Please by all means if you know anyone that can fix this without giving my identity away please…speak up or forever hold your peace.”
He laughed, “I think I know someone who can help. Call her an old friend.” He spoke as he sat up, “Go get ready for your date, ill handle this for ya Sparky.” He grabbed the suit off the table as he turned to walk back inside.
I huffed in annoyance as I sat back and looked up at the sky. At least Bucky will make my night better.
I sat up and headed back inside and up the stairs to my bedroom to get ready as I heard gramps on the phone.
~~~~~~
I took a cab to the restaurant since it was on the other side of the city. Cute and fancy little place. But doesn’t look to fancy which is good. I didn’t want to over dress so I curled my hair lightly to make it look like beach waves and wore a black t shirt dress, since it is summer after all, with a pair of ankle boots.
Of course I had to come prepared and make sure I had my lucky knife on up my thigh and a small one in both boots.
The cab pulled up to the curb as I saw Bucky standing there nervously waiting. He must have saw me open the door to the cab as he came right over to help me out.
I saw him look me up and down and the look on his face was priceless. I wish I could have taken a photo. But then I really wish I could have. He stood there wearing a nice dark blue button down shirt, with long sleeves of course, and with a nice pair of slacks with his hair slicked to the side. Damn.
He helped me out of the cab and shut the door behind me and pulled me closer onto the sidewalk. “Wow Y/N…you look…beautiful doll.” He smiled as his cheeks went red.
“And you look….amazing Buck. Really.” I said as I put a piece of hair behind my ear.
I pulled him into a hug since it didn’t look like he knew what to do. We pulled away and he held out his arm for me to take. Such a gentleman. I took it as we turned to head in, “So…shall we doll?”
I smiled and looked up at him, “Lead the way old man.”
“Hey…that’s not very nice for a first impression.” He laughed.
“Hey you had your first impression on the field…remember?”
He laughed and stopped to look at me as he opened the door for me, “of course. How could I ever forget something that beautiful?”
I felt my cheeks get real red hot as I blushed. Who knew Bucky Barnes could actually leave me speechless.
~~~~~~
By the time we were done laughing, eating, and drinking it was nearing past 9. After we left the restaurant he asked if I wanted to walk the city for a bit. How could I say no. We must have talked for what seemed like forever and ended up walking in a small park. He was telling me stories about how he pulls these ridiculous pranks on Sam and he can never get him back.
We were both laughing so bad it was hard to breath, “And…and then….his hair was pink!” he stopped in his tracks to try to catch his breath as he threw his head up in laughter.
Honestly for some reason seeing Sam with pink hair killed me. I was hunched over pretty much dry heaving at it.
“Oh…my god! I wish…I could…have seen his face!”
I must not have noticed the sparks I had from laughing starting to come to life on my fingertips as I went to catch my balance from laughing and grabbed Buckys left arm. And of course he rolled his sleeve back since it was night time and not many people around would notice it.
Surprisingly he didn’t react the way I thought he would. “Ow. What the hell did you do tickle me?” he asked as he giggled.
I watched him with wide eyes. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry Buck. You had me laughing so hard I didn’t know I did that. Are you okay?!” I pulled my hands away and held them in the air like I was being arrested.
He laughed, “Doll im perfectly fine. Remember I was tortured for years…something like that won’t really hurt me.” As he grabbed my wrists and pulled them back down.
He moved his hands so he was holding both my hands, “Listen I know this may sound weird but…do you get this weird feeling…that I get being around you?”
I looked into his grey eyes. “If you mean butterflies, then yes…I do get that same feeling. But also the feeling of…”
I couldn’t think of the right word and of course he did, “contentment?”
“Yes. And…this is going to sound cheesy.” I said as I lowered my head towards the ground and smiled.
He lifted my chin with his one hand and giggled, “Cheesy is my middle name doll.”
I laughed, “I thought it was Buchanan?”
“Hey that’s not right…you know my middle name and I don’t even know our full name.” we both laughed.
Maybe he’s dumb enough to not figure it out? Who knows but if I want this to go anywhere in the future he’s bound to figure it out at one point. “It’s Y/N M/I-“ then I got cut off as a man came running at us.
“Buck! Y/N! Thank god I found you guys!” we both drop out gazes and hands and look towards a running and very sweaty Sam.
“Sam? What the hell what’s wrong?” Bucky asked him with annoyance in his voice.
“There’s….oh…god…I should….have flew…”
“Sam!” Bucky gritted through his teeth. Sam straightened up and about ready to open his mouth when gun fire stated to come towards us. Bucky grabbed Sam and I and pulled us behind him as he lifted his metal arm to deflect the shots.
Sam and I crouched and flipped a picnic table on it’s side and hid behind it for the time being. “Who are these people?!” I asked Sam.
“Hydra. Well what’s left of them anyways. There’s still hidden bases left all over the globe.” He said as he pulled his pistol from his boot.
“Why the hell are they after you guys?” I asked him as I tried to peak over to see Bucky.
“They want their Winter Soldier back of course. He was their greatest weapon.”
I looked over at Sam with wide eyes. “Don’t worry Sparky, while Bucky was in Wakanda they clearned everything out of his mind so he can’t ever turn again.”
I must have let out a breath I was holding. Thinking of Bucky going back to them my heart couldn’t bear it. Thank god they got that out of him.
Speaking of Bucky. He jumped over the table we are behind and gets down real low.
“God I hate hydra. Are you okay Y/N?” he asked as he crawled a bit closer to me.
I nodded me head up and down, “Gee thanks for asking dude. I’m great!” Sam spoke up as I couldn’t help but laugh. I saw Buck smile.
“Where are we going to go? We’re like sitting ducks here.” Bucky asked as he looked around.
Crap. Well it’s either now or never. I guess it’s time they saw each other after a few months.
“I know a safe house.” I look at both men, “In case we get split up, meet me 6 blocks east of here. You’ll see a small cherry blossom in a front yard of a blue house. There’s a shed out back. We will meet there.”
They both nod, “alright on my mark okay?” I say to both of them as I get ready to get up. Man I wish I wore sneakers.
“What are you ganna do?” Sam asked.
I turn my head and smirk at them, “Spark their asses up.” My hands start have sparks flying off them as my eye’s have bolts streaking through them. I turn as I stand up and jump over the table and light up the enemies.
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ugh-supersoldiers · 7 years
Text
Let Me In
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MASTERLIST
Characters: Natasha x fem!reader
Summary: You’re an empath, able to feel, comprehend, and share in the complex emotions of those around you when you touch them. Natasha is the only member of the Avengers that you haven’t yet empathized with, mainly because she won’t let you. Even though Fury recommended you for the team for psychological aid, Nat refuses to let you touch her and you can’t help but wonder if there’s more to her coldness than what meets the eye.
Warnings: Insecure!natasha, angst, mentions of death, nightmares, making out, BAD EDITTING IM SO SORRY
Words: 2984
A/N: Okay seriously why do I never see any nat x fem!reader fics??? I decided to make one for your reading pleasure. So here. Enjoy.
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People were never a mystery to you. You could always make sense of them, because if given the opportunity, you could physically feel what they felt. 
You were an empath recruited by Nick Fury to help several members of the team deal with psychological trauma. It always helped people to know that they weren’t alone, he explained, and you could guarantee that there would always be someone out there who understood how they felt with just the simplest touch of the hand.
You had started out small, living in the avengers quarters and telling them all that you weren’t there to intrude and that you could only ever read them when you touched them, so they didn’t need to worry about you getting in their heads. 
You knew they were all uncomfortable with the idea of letting someone in to the degree that you were sent there for, but you guessed that in time, they might warm up to you.
It didn’t happen the way you envisioned, no it happened in a much more chaotic way than what you’d pictured. You were up one night reading quietly to yourself and sipping at a glass of water when you heard a cry come from the room next to yours; Bucky’s room.
You didn’t know him very well, all you knew was that he was the quietest out of all of the avengers, not that you minded. You knew his story, and you expected him to be the last to reach out to you, but this didn’t stop you from walking to his door and knocking on it to see if he was alright.
You didn’t hear a response, so you knocked again. This time instead of silence, there was another scream, so you twisted his doorknob and thrust the door open to see him trashing under his covers. A nightmare.
This you could fix. 
You tiptoed over, knowing how dangerous it would be to wake him. You hovered your palm over his sweaty forehead and took a deep breath. Empathizing with him was not going to be a cakewalk, and you knew it, but a man this tortured at least deserved rest.
You pressed your hand to his face, and instantly, your mind was flooded with gory and chaotic images. Your eyes instantly flooded with tears of horror, feeling just as panicked as Bucky did. 
“Get out.” You whispered to the nightmares that haunted Bucky, “Get. Out.”
And then, the images were gone. You watched Bucky’s face, which had once been contorted in pain, melt back into a peaceful expression.
You placed your hand on your chest and tried to slow your breathing. The nightmares that you saw were enough to make you want to sleep with the light on for the rest of your life.
Walking as quietly as you could back out of Bucky’s room, you hoped to God that he was able to get a good sleep tonight after who knows how many months of mayhem like what you’d witnessed. 
You closed your bedroom door behind you, not knowing that one Natasha Romanoff has seen the entire exchange from across the hall.
When Natasha saw Bucky the next morning, she barely recognized him. He looked so different without the bags under his eyes from sleep deprivation.
“Buck, you look... well rested.” Steve remarked.
“I slept well.” Bucky stated, as confused as anyone else.
“I wish I could say the same.” You walked into the kitchen, looking like absolute hell. 
To anyone else, it would have looked like you’d just had a terrible sleep, but Nat had seen something that the others hadn’t. She knew exactly why you hadn’t slept, she knew it was because you’d empathized with Bucky Barnes and taken away his terror at the cost of your own peace of mind just so he could sleep.
She felt something she thought she was incapable of feeling. She felt a connection to you, a strong one. She watched the way your shoulders tensed and you looked over at her with a confused look. Perhaps you’d felt her eyes on you, Natasha thought. But that wasn’t it at all, you were picking up on her emotion like a bloodhound. You felt it in the air without even laying a finger on her.
She darted her eyes back across the room, falling onto Bucky as she watched the way he interacted with Steve in a joking way, something she never thought she’d see before noon.
The other’s quickly began to confide in you, allowing you to empathize with them after particularly tough missions that left them in emotional tatters. 
Steve tried to explain Peggy to you, but you told him if you touched his arm you would actually feel how he felt. When you did, you cried for him, feeling the love and loss that ensued.
Clint let you in on his family life, and you felt how much he missed his children. You told him that you could feel his fierce love for them and that he should take comfort in the knowledge that they love him just as much.
Tony told you about his harbored feelings of hatred towards Bucky, that he was desperately trying to bury. You explained to him that he was just working through loss like anyone else would.
Everyone confided in you about different things, and you loved being able to help, to put a smile on their faces again, to be able to hug them and instill at least a little bit of brightness back into their day with the genuine knowledge that someone else knew how they felt.
Natasha was the only one who never let you in.
At this point, you’d developed a bit of a crush on the ex assassin, but who wouldn’t have? She was gorgeous and quick witted and fiercely smart, she was everything. You’d never really had much time to develop any sort of love for someone in your life, you were always too preoccupied with other’s emotions to hold such things in your mind, but this was different. You could feel yourself falling in love.
You wouldn’t admit it to anyone, hardly even yourself. The thing about being an empath is that everyone else lets you in, but you never return the favour. You, over time, became a closed book to the world.
An empath can use their powers in reserve if they’re powerful enough. This is to say that as much as you can share in the emotions of someone else through touch, they can feel yours as well through the same process - if allowed. But you never allowed it. It wasn’t your style to let people in, it was your style to be allowed in.
It was after one particular mission that you found yourself near furious that Natasha had yet to come to you. Barton had been seriously injured and was currently in surgery, long story short; it didn’t look good. When everyone got back to the compound, Steve explained to you that it had happened when Natasha was attaining the security files from the hard drive that they needed and she was furiously blaming herself for not being there to defend Clint.
You thought for certain you’d hear a knock at your door, you felt it in your heart that Natasha needed to confide in someone about this. You were the clear choice, it was your purpose to be there for the team, but after hours of waiting you realized that she wasn’t coming.
You were fuming, beyond annoyed that after everything she’d been through, after all the hell that she’d seen, Natasha Romanoff was too stubborn to let you in.
You marched to her room in a rage, banging on her door.
“Go away.” Was the rather curt response you got.
“It’s (Y/N).” You said.
And then you felt it again, that same feeling that you’d felt when you’d noticed her staring at you months ago after the Bucky incident. It was a connection, a looming anxiousness in the air that you couldn’t quite place.
“Let me in.” You said firmly.
“No.”
“Nat.” You pleaded.
“Go away.” She repeated, and with heavy feet and a crushed spirit, you obeyed.
You didn’t try to get Natasha to open up again, you figured it was hopeless. By this measure, you also gave up on your feelings for her, knowing that no matter how desperately you wanted her, you could never have her. How could you expect someone to care about you if they can’t even let you empathize with them. It simply wasn’t going to happen.
But that fact didn’t make your feelings go away, it only intensified them. Every time you saw her, your heart pumped faster, your legs went weak, your mouth would feel as if it were full of cotton.
The two of you never spoke to one another, she kept you at a firm distance so that she would never have to utter a word in your direction. It broke your heart to know she didn’t want you, but you chose to try your best to ignore it.
But no matter how much you would try to push her out of your mind, you could never shake that feeling, the one that you felt whenever you knew she heard your voice, or when she saw you enter the room for the first time. It was a constant with her, a constant that you couldn’t describe.
Natasha awoke with a start one night, sweat clinging to her body as she shot out of bed. Another nightmare, this one worse then the rest. This one hadn’t been a memory, this one was an entirely new scenario. In this horrifying dream, she’d witnessed you under the thumb of the red room, tortured for information while she sat and watched, unable to move. It truly was her worst nightmare, being unable to save you.
Little did she know that you woke up at the very same moment she did, having had a nightmare of your own. Feeling a fleeting sense of panic in your chest with only one person on your mind; Natasha. 
Your mind had conjured up the scenario of Natasha being forced back into her life as an assassin, forced back into the life she worked so hard to get away from. Forced to kill against her own will, forced to be something she wasn’t, forced into being the person that you knew she could never be again.
In your entire life, you’d never been more scared.
Your body compelled you to her door, and with a light tap, you whispered her name.
There it was again, the feeling surrounding you in a warmth and nervousness that you couldn’t place. She’d heard you.
“Natasha?” You asked again.
You heard her feet shuffled against the floor, so you knew she was in there and listening to you.
“It’s me.” You said, knowing she already knew.
“I know.” She whispered back, your heart racing at the sound of her voice.
“I need to see you,” You voice was hoarse, “Please, please, let me in.” A choked sob escaped your lips as you relived the images in your brain from moments earlier.
You heard her door click, and it swung open to reveal Natasha standing there, looking as if she were about to cry. You didn’t dare touch her, knowing that you empathic abilities were a strict no go zone with her. But you wanted to embrace her, to kiss her, to wrap her in your arms and never let her go.
“(Y/N).” She breathed out.
“I-I’m sorry, I just-” You couldn’t even explain yourself to her.
“Come in, I’ll get you a glass of water.” You followed her into her room and sat on her bed as she poured you some water from the sink in the bathroom.
She looked down at you for a moment, holding her glance on your face. She’d never seen something so beautiful in her life. She wanted to lean down and wipe your tears away, but she knew she couldn’t. She knew the moment she touched you, that you would feel how deeply in love with you she was, and she just couldn’t do that, not after being trained her whole life to accept love as a weakness.
You saw the look in her eyes, the look of desperation, the look of holding back, and it broke you. Your eyes filled with tears and everything that you’d been pushing down boiled over the surface. You sobbed, cried out for her as you collapsed to the floor.
It was all too much, everything you dealt with at the compound in combination with your unrequited love for the woman standing in front of you and the horrible nightmare you’d had about her being taken away. You couldn’t take it any longer; so you shattered in front of her.
Her instinct made her reach out for you, but she drew back. She couldn’t do it. She watched with a broken heart as you sobbed, brought to your knees in front of her.
You reached your hand up to her, “Please.” You choked out.
“I-I can’t...” She said, tears welling in her eyes.
“Reverse.” You said, “You f-feel wh-what I feel instead.”
This she understood, and this gave her the opportunity to comfort you without having to confront her own feelings.
She bent to kneel next to you, took a deep breath and placed her hands over yours.
Natasha had never had the wind knocked out of her quite like she did when she felt you like this. Her head swirled with fear, a chest tightening type of fear that you only felt with thinking about losing someone. She could hear your thought chanting over and over in her head.
Can’t lose Natasha, can’t lose Natasha, can’t lose Natasha.
Her heart pumped loud in her ears as she heard her name in your voice like a prayer. The person you were so worried about was Natasha, you were scared to lose her. She felt your stress about the others, and she felt how lonely you were being the only one without someone to confide in.
But above all, she felt an overwhelming love.
You whispered through tears, “Let me in, please let me in, Nat.”
Natasha tilted your chin up to look you in the eyes, the eyes that she was so desperate to know better than anyone else’s.
She glanced down at your lips, then met your gaze again. This was it, she either let you in, or she denied you in your time of need and shut you out forever.
She trusted her own primal instinct and kissed you passionately, your tongues molding together as your mind was flooded with everything in Natasha’s head that you waited so long for.
She held nothing back, from the horror of her nightmares of losing you that occurred almost every night, to her apprehension of letting you in, to the desperation of her love for you.
You felt her remember the night you went into Bucky’s room and you felt the way her heart raced, realizing that she was developing feelings for you.
Her voice said to you as you felt her hand slide up to your face to deepen the kiss in a mess of tongue and teeth. You’d never kissed anyone like this before.
Can’t love... weak...
Her thought were disjointed, like static on a TV set, she was defaulting to trying to shut you out.
“I love you.” You whispered between kisses, “Let me in again, please.” You pleaded with her as she pulled you up onto the bed again and pulled away from your lips, your empath bond broken as you both caught your breath, laying next to each other on top of the covers
You closed your eyes as more tears streamed down your face, knowing that there was a large chance she was going to ask you to leave, to reject you after allowing you in. Natasha was not one to bond with anyone, let alone and empath who had just professed her love.
“I don’t know how to.” She whispered, turning her body to face you.
Your eyes opened and you shifted on your side, just as she had, so you could look at her.
“I can teach you.” You caressed her cheek with your thumb, “But you can’t shut me out.”
Her eyes screwed shut at this and you took this as your cue to wrap your arms tightly around her and press your forehead against hers.
“You just need to trust me, and let me love you with everything I have.”
She began to cry, so you kissed her tears away, whispering to her that everything was going to be okay, that you were here with her until the end of time. 
She didn’t reply, she pressed kisses to your lips in large quantity, choosing to show you instead of tell you what she felt. But she knew you could feel everything that she felt for you, your touch like fire on her skin.
You pulled the blankets over you bodies and pulled her even closer to you, whispering thank yous to her between kisses, and promises of showing her that love is not weakness, that it takes strength to love.
You accepted all of her feverish kissing gratefully under in the warmth of her bed. Natasha had let you in, and as you felt her desperate love for you through touch, you allowed her to feel the same thing from you. 
You snuggled close to her, your eyelids closing when she finally had her fill of your lips. You felt her arms around you and your smile stretched across your face.
Just as Natasha was on the brink of sleep, she whispered, “I love you.”
You kissed her forehead sweetly, “I feel it.”
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kayvsworld · 7 years
Note
Could u convince be not to hate Steve 'Hypocrite' Rogers? I'm really trying not to hate him but whnever I think about anything to do with him I just get even angrier at him. MCU Steve is a repentless fuck up and I wanna know what u have to say about him? U don't seem like u hate him and u also love Tony so I figure u probably see stuff I'm not seeing and I wanna know what ;u; (mostly so I can stomach stony fics to widen my range of reading material) :p
steve rogers is a stubborn emotionally-constipated asshole. i also love him very very much. here are some post-cacw thoughts on why i still love him:
flawed characters are good, and the only reason we expect Perfection from This Particular Human Character is bc other people (and…the narrative….) put him on a pedestal. I can’t be mad at him for doing what he thought was the right thing, because as a fan of tony stark, i know that sometimes things that seem like a good idea at the time are maybe actually not always that great
issue: banking on the fact that your rich genius teammate and his team of lawyers will still get you and your friend out of a bad situation After you let him know that the friend in question murdered his parents a week before christmas and that you’ve lived in his house and looked him in the eye while Knowing Abt This for several goddamn years is uh. a v scary situation and potentially a bad plan for 19 reasons. prioritize the people you know are ride or die & cut ur losses
some people are emotionally constipated assholes who do their best and fail miserably,,,,To Cope™
ok but seriously have you ever had 6.3 billion Terrible Things happen to you in rapid succession, and then One More Thing comes along (to take away the only remaining thing in your life you can control and the only semblance of normalcy you have left) and you just. dig your heels in automatically and go “absolutely fucking not”
like i will personally bet you 5 canadian dollars that steve has been crossing his arms and glaring at the tv for months like “listen what else do they want us to do. we’re helping. we’re the good guys. they Have To See That we’re good people and we’re doing our best and we saved the world Come On if we just wait…maybe…….it will…..Be Fine without us having to do anything? maybe?” 
he’s been fighting to keep People™ safe for a While and it’s Apparently still not enough and he is probably tired and bitter and frustrated. also, last time he was working for/with a third party they turned out to be nazis and while i get that that 100% isn’t the same as a UN Panel (noT THE SAME, STEVEN) at some point you have to take a quote out of context, plant urself like a stubborn asshole tree, and say “actually no fuck you please just let me do the only thing that is giving my life meaning right now in a way that doesn’t make me feel trapped and afraid for myself and my team”
peggy (steve’s last connection to his life before waking up in the future) had just died, and bucky (steve’s surprise Actual last connection to his life before waking up in the future) has been having a Hell Time and is being targeted. sometimes when you find out your best friend has been brainwashed and tortured for 70 years, your bullshit meter maxes out and you (steve rogers, “fight me” personified) want to give the finger to anyone who wants to do absolutely else to that person. yes, getting him help was an option (the other option being some kind of prison?) but also, it still would have been someone else making that choice for bucky, and at some point yelling “can you please just leave him alone” with ur fists becomes a default reaction
as someone who regularly avoids things when i should really deal with them, i 100% believe that there is a large part of steve that genuinely thought he was protecting tony. sure, he was protecting himself and bucky, too, and he admits that openly, but i can buy that steve had been sitting on the couch for months listening to tony talk about Processing His Grief Through Technology and screaming internally like “would it truly and genuinely make it easier on this guy to know that his parents were brutally murdered by my friend and i’ve known abt it for 2 years when he’s still this messed up over it already oh my god”
the problems i have with a lot of steve’s choices really just come down to the film not giving him room to put up a legit argument. a lot of it was banking on me assuming that captain america & the team were correct bc they’re cap & the team in a captain america movie? if they had given steve a speech instead of a shitty letter, i’m sure i would have initially understood his side a lot better
some people are emotionally constipated assholes who do their best and fail miserably,,,,To Cope™ Part 2: The Letter
steve is not great at feelings. steve is not great at processing and expressing his feelings in a healthy way. steve is an all-or-nothing prickly bitch (see: every film he’s been in) and taking these excellent canon facts into account, i do actually genuinely believe that this dude forced himself to sit down while in hiding to write 12 different drafts of this letter by hand in cursive and eventually ended up with the monstrosity tony received
he can’t apologize for the accords situation, because he doesn’t think he’s wrong, so he can only apologize for hurting tony. “i’m not sorry for what i did but i’m sorry that it hurt you” is a shitty thing to read and say but i guess at least,,,he,,,was honest? steven why didn’t you get a friend to proofread this letter
by saying that the avengers are more tony’s family than his, he probably thinks he’s acknowledging that tony cares about them and was doing what he thought was best. im personally for my own sanity choosing to believe that.
“i’ve never really fit in” aka “okay i definitely didn’t talk enough about where i was coming from at all for the past few…..years….and this was the only draft that included my ‘i’ve been lowkey struggling’ admission and didn’t sound vaguely pathetic or directly mention my friend who involuntarily murdered your parents” 
this entire thing is actually imo a fairly decent “listen i know things are really messy right now and i hurt you and we’re both still upset, but here’s some effort on my part. if you ever need anything, here’s how you can contact me & i promise i will still drop everything to come help you with what you need” gesture considering the situation & time frame
anyway, steve for sure messed up with his approach to this and put a lot of people in danger, but as someone who is a fan of tony stark i have to take The Context into consideration and also understand that sometimes people do questionable things even while having the best intentions. it was a really rough situation and i think mr evans did a great job of showing steve emotionally shutting down and struggling for the past few films? i can see where he was coming from from an emotional standpoint, & bc of these and 130 other reach-y reasons including me just enjoying him as a person, i forgive him. it’s 2:30am this is so long oh my god
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devptel · 7 years
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Hey favourite captain America movies scenes?
OH BOY! OH DUDE!
(i wrote this whole thing out with my favourite scenes from all Cap movies and it was so fucking long it was almost embarrassing and definitely unnecessary so i cut out everything but CA:TWS and it’s still so fucking long, i apologise but also i don’t)
My favourite scenes in the winter soldier are Every scene™ Best Movie Ever Made™ Single handedly saved the film industry™ but some personal favourites are:
-”On your left” and Steve having a great time being a Little Shit™/ Sam and Steve’s back and forth
-”I’m here to pick up a fossil”
-Steve jumping out of the plane without a parachute because he’s not just a little shit he’s a Dramatic Little Shit™
-The whole of him infiltrating the ship to free the hostages and the crazy dramatic parkour of it all, like we get it Steve, we see The Beef™, we get it
-”I’m multi-tasking” / ”Hey sailor” (just Natasha™ and everything she ever does and says and is)
-*Puts away shield, takes off helmet* “on va voir” Dramatic. Little. Shit.™
-”Last time I trusted someone I lost an eye” and more of a look into Fury’s past and who he is (!!)
-“This isn’t freedom this is fear” (Every line in that scene and the clear emphasis on the stark difference between Fury’s morals and way of thinking and Steve’s)
-Little kid in the Captain America shirt noticing Steve at the Captain America exhibit/ Steve visiting the exhibit (how many times has he done that? just gone alone to see footage of his old friends? gone to remember why he started fighting? and why he still is?, i’m crying.)
-THE PEGGY SCENE i’m still crying and i’m never stopping 
-Steve visiting Sam’s support group (”You could do whatever you want to do, what makes you happy?” “I dunno” bruh. i am still crying.)
-”Air conditioning is fully operational” and THAT WHOLE ENTIRE SCENE with special EMPHASIS on bucky shooting a bomb on the car and dramatically stepping out the way just before it explodes and crushes him (also the winter soldier theme is beautiful and haunting and THAT SOUNDTRACK THO)
-”EARS EVERYWHERE” “SHEILD COMPROMISED” Fury in Steve’s apartment/ Fury getting shot “Don’t trust anyone” + Steve going after Bucky (“Tell them i’m in pursuit” *Dramatic Music* BUSTS THROUGH FIVE DIFFERENT WALLS. truly the biggest drama queen to exist)
-Natasha’s face when Steve said “he had a metal arm” (give me bucky/nat or give me death!) 
-Natasha watching Fury die ”Don’t do this to me Nick” have i stopped crying yet? no. 
-Natasha questioning Steve “You’re a terrible liar”/ Steve hiding TOP SECRET shield files in a VENDING MACHINE what the fuck rogers 
-More information about Fury! Alexander Pierce! “Did he tell you he bugged it?” Pierce subtly trying to get Steve to distrust Fury PLANTING SEEDS OF DOUBT! A CORRUPT SYSTEM! PLAYING TO STEVES ALREADY WARY ATTITUDE TOWARDS FURY AND WHAT SHIELD IS UP TO AND HIDING FROM HIM! “He told me not to trust anyone” “I wonder if that included him?” STEVE NOT BUYING IT!
-THE ELEVATOR SCENE™ !!!
-Steve full on just JUMPING OUT A WINDOW to escape “Are you kidding me!?” hard same Shield agent hard same
-Natasha popping the bubblegum behind Steve can you say Iconic™ ? / Natasha and Steve’s back and forth talking about the winter soldier “He shot him straight through me” 
-Natasha and Steve going undercover/ Steve running over their options on fighting as Shield agents approach them, vs. Natasha’s ”Shut up and put your arm around me, laugh at something I said” Steve thinking like a soldier, Natasha thinking like a spy.
-The dialogue as they’re driving: “Truth is a matter of circumstance, it’s not all things, to all people, all the time, and neither am I” “That’s a tough way to live” “It’s a good way not to die though” // “Who do you want me to be?” “How bout a friend?” “There’s a chance you might be in the wrong business rogers” (also the way she drags out ‘wrong business rogers’ like fuck me up)
-Steve and Natasha infiltrating the old Shield base: “Shall we play a game?” ZOLA! HYDRA! “Operation paperclip after World War II Shield recruited german scientists with strategic value” SHEILD DOOMED ITSELF FROM THE BEGINNING! HIRING HYDRA AGENTS! LETTING RED SKULL DIRECTLY INTO THEIR SYSTEMS! “cut off one head two more shall take it’s place” 
- ‘Anthony and Maria Stark die in car crash’ “accidents will happen” (I OUT LOUD GASPED AT THIS PART WHEN I SAW IT IN THE CINEMA FOR THE FIRST TIME STILL GETS ME)
-“We won Captain, your death amounts to the same as your life, a zero sum”
-Pierce talking to Bucky in the shadows plus the maid walking in ”Sorry Mr. Pierce I forgot my phone” “Oh Renata I wish you would have knocked” and then him shooting her. Yikez™
-SAM WILSON™
-More Steve/ Natasha back and forth (!!) “You seem pretty chipper for someone who just found out they died for nothing” / A LOOK INTO NATASHAS BACKSTORY (!!!!) “looks like i just traded in the KGB for Hydra” (!!!)
-”..throw me off a building? that’s not really your style rogers” ”You’re right it’s not, it’s hers” NATASHA JUST STRAIGHT UP KICKING A MAN OFF A BUILDING ICONIC! AMAZING! 
-HIGHWAY FIGHT SCENE! HIGHWAY FIGHT SCENE! HIGHWAY FIGHT SCENE!!!!!! DID SOMEONE SAY HIGHWAY FUCKING FIGHT SCENE !!!!
-”Bucky?” “Who the hell is Bucky?”
-MARIA HILL! “She’ll want to see him first” FURY FAKED HIS OWN DEATH! “Can’t kill you if you’re already dead” ALSO ((“I wasn’t sure who to trust” then he looks at Natasha???? I’m sure it’s because he knows the past between her and Bucky and didn’t know if it might compromise her IM SURE OF IT))
-BUCKY BACKSTORY + “ the man on the bridge who was he? (…)  i knew him (…)  but i knew him.” + a little look at the torture they put him through, Yikez™.
-”This man declined the noble peace prize, he said peace wasn’t an achievement it was a responsibility” (…) “see it’s stuff like this that gives me trust issues” Great lines. Great characterisation of both Pierce and Fury in just two sentences. 
-”we’re not salvaging anything we’re not just taking down Hydra we’re taking down Shield too”  ”Shield had nothing to do with it” Fury still having faith in a flawed system! because it’s how he knows how to help! Steve being fed up with it! Doesn’t like people who keep secrets! Doesn’t like how Shield and the bad guys seem to always go hand in hand! “Hydra grew right under your nose and nobody noticed” “I noticed” “How many paid the price before you did?”
-Dramatic Bridge scene™ Bucky Flashbacks™ “I can get by on my own” “The thing is you don’t have to, I’m with you till the end of the line pal” Oh you think I stopped crying? Wrong again.
-”IF YOU’RE GONNA FIGHT A WAR YOU GOTTA WEAR A UNIFORM”
-STAN LEE™
-CAPTAIN AMERICA SPEECH OVER THE INTERCOM ON THE SHIELD BASE! “The price of freedom is high, and it’s a price i’m willing to pay.” THATS MY BOY! THATS MY DUDE!
-”Send those ships up now” “Sorry sir (..) i’m not going to launch those ships, Captains orders” I ?? loved this ??? the little guy standing up even when it doesn’t benefit him, ESPECIALLY when it doesn’t benefit him, the little guy fighting for what he knows is right, is anything more Captain America™ than that? don’t think so. + “You picked the wrong side agent” “Depends on where you’re standing”
-MORE FIGHT SCENES. LOVE ME THEM FIGHT SCENES. 
-“What if Pakistan marched into Mumbai tomorrow and you knew they were going to drag your daughters into a soccer stadium to execute them? and you could stop them with a flick of a switch, wouldn’t you?” (PIERCE FIRMLY BELIEVING HE’S THE GOOD GUY! THAT HE’S FIGHTING FOR THE WORLD! PEACE IS A RESPONSIBILITY!) + “Not if it was your switch” 
”I’m sorry did I step on your moment?” TRULY ICONIC™ HOW CAN ONE PERSON BE SO ICONIC™ ?
-Natasha releasing the classified Shield files (!!) “If you do this none of your past is going to remain hidden, are you sure you’re ready for the world to see you as you really are?” “Are you?”
-FALCON™
-THAT WINTER SOLDIER THEME! IM NOT OVER IT! AND I NEVER WILL BE! MOVIE SOUNDTRACKS AMIRIGHT!
-”Company’s coming” THAT DRAMATIC AS HELL ENTRANCE BY NICK FURY THO Natasha’s not the only iconic™ one around here
-”Why make me head of Shield?” “Cause you were the best and the most ruthless person I ever met” “I did what I did to protect people”  “Our enemies are your enemies Nick, disorder, war, it’s just a matter of time before a dirty bomb goes off in Moscow or an EMP fries Chicago, diplomacy is holding action Nick (..) and you know where i learnt that? from you, you didn’t ask Nick you just did what had to be done. I can bring order to the lives of 7 billion people by sacrificing 20 million, it’s the next step, if you have the courage to take it”  “No I have the courage not to” (THE BACK AND FORTH WITH THESE TWO! NOT JUST TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN BUT QUITE OFTEN THE SAME SIDE OF THE SAME COIN! JUST NOT IN THIS INSTANCE! THE TENSION THAT CREATES IS INSANE! THE GREYING OF THE MORALS! THE BLURRING OF THE LINES! THATS SOME SMART AS HELL WRITING BABES!)
-“You don’t think we wiped your clearance from the system?” “I know, you erased my password, probably deleted my retinal scan, but if you want to stay ahead of me Mr. Secretary, you need to keep both eyes open” *lifts up eyepatch* now I know i’ve said iconic a few times already but really that’s iconic™  
-BUCKY VS. STEVE ON THE HELICARRIER. “people are gonna die Buck, i can’t let that happen, please don’t make me do this” 
-SAM vs. RUMLOW “man shut the hell up” + Rumlow on his way to becoming Crossbones thoooo it’s a real thing of beauty
-bucky shooting steve. steve’s face when it happens. just checking in that i’m still crying? yep you betcha dude
-”There was a time i would have taken a bullet for you” “You already did” . I love old friends that become enemies. I love it. Please more.
-Natasha using her widow’s bites on herself. “Ow those really do sting” BADASS.
- “41st floor!, 41st!” “Not like they put the floor numbers on the outside of the building!”
-Steve saving Bucky.
-Steve trying to get Bucky to remember who he is “i’m not going to fight you, you’re my friend” “You’re my mission” “Then finish it, cause i’m with you till the end of the line” 
-Bucky saving Steve.
-On your left
-COURTROOM SCENE™  TRULY AMAZING “Hydra was selling you lies not intelligence” “Many of which you seem to have a personal hand in telling (..) There are many that feel given your service for this country and against it that you belong in a penitentiary not mouthing off on capitol hill”  “You’re not gonna put me in a prison you’re not gonna put any of us in a prison you know why?” “Do enlighten us” “Because you need us (..) The world is a vulnerable place and yes we help make it that way, but we’re also the best qualified to defend it, so if you wanna arrest me, arrest me, you’ll know where to find me” THAT SMIRK. (also ‘the world is a vulnerable place and yes we help make it that way’ I LOVE THAT. acknowledgement that the very existence of superheroes is the reason for the existence of supervillians, reminds me of joker/batman dynamics LOVE IT)
-STEVE AND NATASHA FRIENDSHIP + “be careful Steve you might not want to pull on that thread”
-”You’re going after him” “You don’t have to come with me” “I know. When do we start?”
-And those dope credits tho
THIS IS TOO LONG IM SO SORRY 
I also love that I said “some personal favourites are” like I didn’t just write out the whole entire goddamn movie in plot points lmao fuck thats my bad
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berjhawn · 7 years
Text
Bucky Barnes X Reader - I Don’t Need You
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Warnings: Angst, lies, fighting, misunderstandings, heartbreak, ETC
Pairings: Bucky Barnes X Reader
(A/N) This is a one-shot i had playing around in my head. It’s angsty since that’s the mood i was in when i wrote it. I hope you all enjoy it. 
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One sentence… just one little sentence was enough to bring my whole happy world crashing down. I had been working at Stark Tower as a liaison between Pepper and the UN, when I was reassigned to ‘Bucky’ duty by Captain America himself. When Bucky first arrived, he was a little unstable and prone to panic attacks, all of which I was able to bring him down from using different methods. As my mission, so to speak, progressed; as did my relationship with Bucky.
At first the two of us were always together. I don’t know whether that was Steve’s plan from the beginning, putting two emotionally unstable individuals together or not, all I know is that it worked. I fell and I fell hard for Bucky. He was broken and damaged just as I was. I hadn’t grown up in the best of circumstances, hell I spent my childhood begging for food in the center of town, but after a kind old man took me in and put me through school and College; I made it my mission to help others.
Hence, I joined the UN, or the United Nations. I graduated top of my class and became a government liaison. That was many years ago, now. I’ve been a liaison for many different superheroes, starting with Reed Richards and then of course ending with Tony Stark. My job was simple, be the go between for both and keep the chaos to a minimum. Also, I was there to report on any and all tests and secrets.
Anyway, I’m getting off track. Like I said Bucky and I were constantly together, we spent every waking moment near each other. It was inevitable for me to fall for him. It happened about three weeks ago, Steve thought it would be a good idea for Bucky and I to take a day and go to Coney Island. Perhaps it might rekindle some of Bucky’s memories that hadn’t come back yet. So, we went and at first it was magical.
 We were having a great time. That was until I said something I shouldn’t have. I was so stupid, I got caught up in the moment and in the spur of it I told him I loved him. His eyes, he looked at me like I had betrayed him. I froze. I didn’t know what to do. It was just like when I was a kid and my mother abandoned me. He didn’t say anything. Like he was avoiding my confession so I decided to take him back to Steve.
The rest of the way back to Avengers tower we rode in silence. My heart was breaking and I just wanted to get him back safely and then I would decide what I was going to do from there. When we arrived, after I climbed out of the cab he grabbed my hand and said, ‘I don’t need you anymore, today proves I can do just fine by myself.’ I froze in my footsteps as he releases my hand and walks into the tower. I couldn’t breathe. My heart was crushed. Tears stung my eyes but I wasn’t about to cry.
 Flashbacks to my childhood filled my mind. Abusive words slung at me from every direction covered me making me lose all the confidence I had gained over the past few years. I was broken. I don’t remember how I got home or even how I didn’t end up dead in a ditch somewhere. All I remember was waking up the next morning and returning to my original job as Miss Potts assistant. I didn’t try to avoid him, I didn’t make things awkward, I was just being professional. Everything was fine. Even though the very sight of him made my heart hurt I had to be professional.
 Then it happened. I saw him with another girl. He was smiling a smile I had never seen before. It crushed me. That was when I decided to leave. I put in my resignation letter with Miss Potts, packed my bags, sold my apartment, and headed back to Paris. I traded in my field work for a desk job. I didn’t want to get attached to anyone ever again.
 “And that’s why I’m here.” I say as I look across the room to the Shrink my supervisors requested I go to. The middle-aged woman had her hair pulled tightly back in a bun, and she wore a gray pinstriped pants suit. This was the last place I wanted to be.
 “(Name), I’ve read the reports you wrote about your time at the Avengers tower; It seems like you had many friends you could have turned too, so why did you leave without notifying anyone other than Miss Potts?” She asks as she pulls her glasses from her face.
 “Miss Potts was my boss; it’s only fitting I tell her I was leaving.”
 “And this Bucky individual you mentioned, you didn’t feel the need to tell him you were leaving?” She asks and my heart clenches.
 “No ma’am, I figured it was best that I break off contact without delay. That is also why I decided to stay here in Paris. I’m finished with field work.”
 “You do realize it’s your superiors who want me to clear you for the field do you not?”
 “I do ma’am, but I wish to remain at my desk.”
 “I understand your reasons, I will go through my notes and let them know what I think.”
 “Thank you,” I say forcing my business smile.
 “That is all the time we have for today, I will see you again next week at the same time.”
 “Yes ma’am.” I say as I stand and grabbing my coat and purse head for the door. I was not happy. Leaving the therapists office, I step out into the cold winter air and let out a heavy sigh. I hated shrinks, I never believed they worked and I hated the fact that I was to tell a complete stranger about my tortured past. As the cold wind blows I take a deep breath and wince as the cold air fills my lungs. It burned but that was just proof that I was alive.
 Turning I decide to take the long way home and walk past Notre Dame. It was my favorite place in the whole world. When I was begging for food I used to go there. The Archbishop and Deacons used to slip me whatever food they could and then on extremely cold nights they would allow me to sleep inside the cathedral. It was the first act of kindness anyone had ever shown me. I smile at the people as I pass by them.
 As the church comes into view I remember Philippe, the old man who took me in off the streets. He was a baker, every morning he would wake up early to start preparing the dough. I loved smelling the smell of bread baking. Bread baking was my favorite smell in the whole world. Although he passed away right after I graduated college he left his bakery in the hands of his workers.
 Rounding the corner, I spot a familiar face and I smile as I rush over to the flower woman. “Bonjour Marie,” I call out to the redhead as I reach into my purse to pull out some money for her beautiful yellow Roses.
 “Ah Bonjour (Name), Je ne vous ai pas vu depuis des années. Comment allez-vous?” (I haven’t seen you in years. How are you?) She replies a bright smile covering her withered face.
 “J'ai eu un peu de malchance en amour mais à part ça je l'ai bien été.” (I've had a bit of bad luck in love but other than that I’ve been well.) I reply holding the blooming petals up to my nose.
 “Eh bien, je ne vais pas édulcorer et dire que vous allez rencontrer quelqu'un savait. Est-ce que vous aimez cet homme?” (Well I’m not going to sugar coat it and say that you'll meet someone knew. Did you love this man?) She asks and I feel tears sting my eyes as I think of him.
 “Oui je l'ai fait.” (Yes, I did.)
 “L'amour fait mal. Voilà comment vous savez qu'il était réel.” (Love hurts. That's how you know it was real.) She replies and I nod.
 “Eh bien, je serai hors tension. Merci Marie pour la belle rose.” (Well I'll be off. Thank you, Marie, for the lovely rose.) I say as I start to walk toward the bridge. She waves me off with a smile and I grip tightly to my little bouquet as I slowly walk across the Pont au Double bridge. I take one last glance toward the church and smile softly before I turn back and continue my walk home.
 Walking into my apartment, I am greeted by the familiar face of a one Steve Rogers and I freeze in my footsteps. “Mr. Rogers? Um, what are you doing in my apartment?” I ask a knot welling up inside my throat.
 “Pepper told me you resigned. I have to admit I was a little surprised that you didn’t say goodbye.” He says a sad smile covering his lips.
 “I apologize; I admit I wasn’t thinking rationally when I left.” I reply as I close my door and setting my purse and roses down start to pull my coat off.
 “Don’t apologize. I’m sure you had every reason to do what you did.” He says and I nod as I hang my coat on the hook and grab the roses.
 “Um, would you like something to drink?” I ask as I walk past him to the kitchen to find a vase.
 “Ah yes, a water would be nice.” He replies as he follows after me.
 “Water it is.” I say as I set my roses down on the counter and grab a glass. Reaching into the fridge I grab a bottle of water and twisting the cap off pour it into the cup. Handing it too him I turn back and reach for a pair of scissors to cut the stems of my rose. “So how is everything?” I ask making small talk as I gently arrange the roses in an antique blue glass vase.
 “Well the towers still standing if that’s what you mean.” He jokes and I chuckle.
 “I guess that’s a good thing then.” I reply setting the vase on my kitchen table. “How long are you going to be in Paris?”
 “A few days,” He replies and I nod.
 “Are you alone, or did the rest of the team come?” I ask dreading his answer. I was not ready to see Bucky. I wanted to be alone.
 “Tony, Natasha, Pepper, Sam and I came.” He says and I let out a sigh of relief that wasn’t visible on my face.
 “You’ll have to tell them I said hi,” I comment smiling softly at him.
 “I will, we’ll have to have dinner together.” He offers and I tense.
 “I’ll have to check my schedule, but that would be nice.” I reply as I move from the kitchen to the front room. “Would you like to sit down?” I ask as I motion to the couch.
 “Ah yeah sure,” He replies sitting down across from me.
 “Is it just me or does it seem really awkward?” I ask smiling.
 “So, it’s not just me.” He replies and I smile.
 “There’s no need to be on your toes around me, please just be yourself.”
 “Thank you. Sorry it’s just,” He pauses as he rubs his fingers along the smooth glass, “Been a hectic few weeks.”
 “Again, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything about me leaving. I just needed,” I pause as I clasp my hands together. “I missed my home. I grew up in Paris you know?”
 “I remember you saying something about it before. I got your address from the UN. I hope you don’t mind.”
 “Although I am a little surprised to find you inside my apartment,” I giggle making him laugh before I continue, “It’s a nice surprise though, so thank you.” 
 “No problem. If I’m being honest, I missed you.” He says and I feel my heart lighten a bit.
 “I missed you too Steve.” I reply honestly as I smile at him.
 We spent the next few hours talking and reminiscing about old times which was nice. I hadn’t lied, I had missed Steve. Truth be told I had missed them all, but I just wasn’t ready to see them. Steve was enough. As the hours passed I glanced up to the clock to see that it was almost nine and my eyes widen. “Oh my, I didn’t realize it was this late. Um do you know your way back? Should I call you a cab, or if you’d like I have a guest room?”
 “Oh um, I think I can find my way back. It’s not that I don’t want to take you up on your offer but I just think, you know,”
 “Right, It’s completely understandable.”
 “Um how about lunch tomorrow?” He asks as he stands up and walks toward the door.
 “Uh yeah, sure, why not? Um, my lunch breaks at one. There’s a little Bistro I like to frequent for lunch called La rose floraison. They have the most amazing food there.”
 “Then I’ll see you tomorrow at one.” He says grabbing his coat and pulling it on.
 “I’m looking forward to it. Goodnight Steve,” I say giving him a soft smile.
 “Goodnight (Name),” He says returning my smile before he heads off down the hall. As soon as he heads down the stairs I close the door and let out the heavy sigh I had been holding all night long. I lean my back against the door as I slowly slide down the door onto the floor.  What was I to do now? If Steve knew I was here, then it wouldn’t be long until the rest of the team knew. Not that Bucky would come even if he knew.
 The recollection of his name sent a shiver down my spine. My heart tightens in my chest and I take a deep breath to keep from crying. I look over at the clock and watch as the time slowly ticks by. There was no way I was going to get any sleep tonight. Not with my mind full of the past. Clearing my throat, I push myself up off the floor and grabbing my cell phone head to my room. Sitting down on the bed I reach over and opening my nightstand drawer I take out my sleeping pills.
 I set my alarm and plug in my cell phone before I twist the cap of my pills and pulling two out slip them in my mouth. I swallow them down dryly before I lay down on top of the blankets. It was definitely cold outside and it was slightly drafty in my little apartment but I didn’t care. I wanted the cold. I needed to feel numb. As I close my eyes I slowly slip into an all too familiar nightmare.
 Bucky’s POV
~Going back~
“What do you mean she’s gone?” Bucky yells out in confusion before running past his friend and up to her room. She couldn’t be gone. Why would she leave? His mind drifts back to the day they had gone to Coney Island and her sudden confession and his heart clenches. It was true that he had rejected her but it was for her own good. He couldn’t love her the way she deserved to be loved. Granted he had rejected her rather roughly but she had been acting just fine since then.
Throwing her bedroom door opened he found all her belongings gone. No trace of her was left. “(Name)!” He yells out as he runs throughout her entire floor in search of her. He feels his heart start to clench and its pace quickens. “No, no, no. (Name)!” He yells again his adrenaline kicking in. Unable to control his body he grabs the closest thing to him and throws it against the wall. He reaches for the next thing-                                        
“Bucky calm down!” Steve yells as he reaches out and tries to restrain Bucky who is thrashing around wildly.
“Where is she Steve? Where did she go?” Bucky cries out pain lacing his voice. 
“I don’t know Buck; all I know is she turned in her resignation and left. Even Pepper doesn’t know where she is.”
“It’s all my fault?” Bucky says his body stilling.
“What? Why? How is it your fault?” Steve asks confusion filling his voice.
“It just is okay,” Bucky snaps causing Steve to narrow his eyes at his friend.
“What exactly happened between the two of you Buck? I noticed she was acting strange but I didn’t think it had anything to do with you.”
“That day, the day you sent us to Coney Island; everything was perfect. She was beautiful with the sunlight in her hair and a happy smile on her lips. Then when we were about to get on the cyclone she told me,” He pauses as he narrows his eyebrows. “She told me she was in love with me.”
“Really? Buck that’s great.”
“I rejected her.” Bucky interjects making Steve stare wide eyed at his friend.
“What exactly did you say to her Bucky?” Steve inquires in a serious tone.
“I panicked. At first, I didn’t say anything. Right after that we climbed into a cab and came back here. Then when we got out of the cab I stopped her and,” He pauses as tears start to fill his eyes.
“And?” Steve presses his friend for more information.
“I told her that I didn’t need her anymore. That that day was a test that I passed and I could live normally without her.”
“Jesus Bucky, what were you thinking?” Steve chastises his friend as he runs a hand down his face.
“I wanted her to find someone else. Someone better than me. I’m broken and I’ve done a lot of bad in my life. I didn’t want to hurt her but I didn’t want to see her get hurt because of me either. My brain picked the easier of the two. I didn’t think she’d actually leave though. She acted normally after that day, I just figured she decided to stay friends.”
“Buck, you may have wanted to keep her from getting hurt; but in reality, you hurt her more than anyone else ever could.” Steve shakes his head. He knows this isn’t going to help his friend but Bucky needed to know the truth.
“But why did she wait so long to leave then? Why didn’t she leave the next day?” Bucky asks his eyes full of curiosity and pain.
“Did something happen recently?”
“No,” Bucky shakes his head. “We have barely talked since that day.”
“I’m sorry Buck, but I think it’s safe to say that she’s not coming back.” Steve says blatantly and Bucky nods.
“It’s all my fault.”
“Come on Buck, let’s get you something to drink and maybe go for a run to clear your mind.”
“Please just leave me Steve. I wanna be alone.” Bucky replies his eyes growing cold.
“Are you sure?” Steve asks as he places a hand on his friend’s shoulder.
“Yeah,” Bucky says his voice cracking. “Just leave me alone.”
~Today~
Bucky stares at the building that held her apartment with mixed emotions. He wanted to rush up the stairs to her. Tell her he had been wrong and all he ever wanted was for her to come back but he couldn’t find the nerve. Gulping down a breath of air he stares up at the window Steve said was hers, his entire body crying out for him to run to her but he held himself back. The light was still on and at times he could see her silhouette against the curtains.
He wanted to see more. He wanted to hold her in his arms and tell her he was sorry. Steve had been up there for a while talking with her and he had said that she seemed a little awkward and nervous. Steve hadn’t mentioned that he was in town and that gave him the element of surprise. Steve had made a date with her to have lunch tomorrow and as a surprise he would be there instead of Steve.
There was no doubt she would be upset and a little betrayed but he needed to talk to her. He needed to see her, to tell her that the words he had told her had haunted his every waking moment. She would probably reject him but it was a chance he was willing to take. As the lights of her apartment turn off he takes a deep breath and turning heads back to his hotel room where he would sleep tonight for the upcoming battle tomorrow.
Reader’s POV
I stare at the blank screen before me. My mind wasn’t able to focus on anything work related at all. “(Name), I needed those files regarding the Wakandan royal family on my desk five minutes ago!” My boss Michael Ross yells out bringing me from my stupor.
“Oh!” I exclaim as I look down at the open file showing a picture of the young prince of Wakanda. “I’m sorry Mr. Ross, I have it right here.” I say as I quickly close the file and hand it over to him.
“What’s with you today? You were doing so well.” He asks his deep brown eyes filled with worry.
“Just didn’t get enough sleep last night. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” I say straightening my back and putting my best businesslike face on.
“Okay, if you need an ear to listen to your troubles, my door’s always open.” He says with a quick wave before he started off back to his office. When his door closes, I let out a sigh of relief before I lean back against my chair my head falling back so I could stare at the ceiling. Damn Steve for showing up and causing my mind to be so muddled. Speaking of Steve. I look at the clock to see that it was almost time for me to go on my lunch break and contemplate sending him a message. I grab my phone only to realize that I had deleted his cell number when I came back to Paris.
“Just my luck.” I groan out as I toss my phone onto my desk and pinch the bridge of my nose. No turning back now. Pulling my cac-card from the reader I place it inside my wallet and standing up I grab my phone and shoving it back into my purse grab my coat. Rolling my shoulders, I slide my chair up to my desk and turning head for the elevator. I give Michael a quick wave signaling that I was leaving for lunch and he nodded.
He gives me a head nod in return as he is on his phone before I climb into the elevator and hit the lobby button. I watch the numbers slowly count down as I try to think about what I was walking into. I thought about somehow running away and hiding but now that they knew I was here that wouldn’t work. Letting out a heavy sigh I hail a cab. When one stops I quickly climb inside and telling him the address fold my hands over my lap and let out a heavy sigh.
It took no time at all to make it to the little café. I hand the cabbie the money I owed before I climb out of the cab and taking a deep breath I head inside. I smile softly as I am greeted by the familiar host who quickly leads me to a table where I could wait for Steve. I order a water as I pull my cell phone out of my purse and start to fiddle with it. A few seconds later I see someone walk up to me out of the corner of my eyes and thinking it to be Steve I fake a smile and look up only to stare wide eyed at the last person I ever wanted to see again. “Bucky…”
“Hey (Name), mind if I sit?” He asks his icy eyes pleading with me. My heart starts to race and my palms grow sweaty as he sits down across from me.
“I thought I was meeting Steve.” I say in disbelief as I stare across the table at him.
“Sorry about that, Steve asked you here for me.” Bucky replies as he leans his elbows on the table.
“Why?” I ask as my throat tries to close up.
“Because I wanted to see you.”
“Why?”
“Because I miss you.”
“Why?” I ask again not getting where he was going with this. Why did he miss me? He was the one who told me to go.
“Because…” He pauses his eyes finding mine as they fill with a silent plea.
“Sargent, I have a very busy schedule. I’m sorry but I need to get back. Tell Steve not to contact me again.” I say as I grab my purse and tossing down some money stand up and leave.
“(Name) wait.” Bucky calls out as he follows after me. I ignore him as I continue on down the street headed anywhere but there. “(Name)! Stop!” Bucky yells out angrily making me stop in my tracks and turn back to him. He gulps down a breath of air as he closes the distance between the two of us and before I have a chance to think crashes his lips against mine. At first I fight against him trying my hardest to push him away so I could keep my sanity but just like before I found I couldn’t.
I grip tighter to his coat as his hands cup both sides of my face holding my lips to his. Tears fill my eyes as I with one last surge of sanity push him away. As he stumbles away from me I feel my hand move on its own as it collides with the side of his face. “Why?”
“Why what?” HE asks making me try to choke back sobs.
“Why now? Why did you kiss me? What do you want from me Barnes?” I question as I try not to burst out in tears. “You told me to leave so I did. What more do you want? How much more will you hurt me?”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He says a pained expression filling his face. “I told you I didn’t need you cause I didn’t want to place you in danger. No matter what I do I will always have bad people after me and I didn’t want to put you through that. I couldn’t see you hurt.”
“Well you failed there, you hurt me more than anyone else ever could.”
“Then why did you stay after I told you to leave? Why did you take so long to leave?”
“Because I saw you.”
“You saw me what?”
“I saw you with another girl,” I answer and he cocks his head in confusion. “You wore a smile I never saw before. You looked happy with her and it broke my heart. I left because I knew you would never look at me like that. I couldn’t stay and watch the man I loved love someone else. I left to get over you. Why won’t you let me do that?”
“Because I love you (Name).” He replies taking me aback.
“You… you love me?” I ask as I start to take a few steps backwards away from him. “It’s not true, you don’t do that to someone you love.”
“It’s true (Name),” He answers as he clenches his jaw. “When I found out you were gone, I lost it. I went crazy. I wanted you to find someone else who was better that I am; but I never expected you to disappear. I never wanted that.”
“Then what did you expect me to do? Flaunt whoever I met in front of you? I couldn’t do that, no matter how upset I was.”
“The more I thought about it while I sat in your old apartment sulking,” He starts as he closes the distance between the two of us. “The more I realized how much I hate the thought of you being with someone else. It would kill me to have to stand by and watch you be happy with someone else no matter how much better they would be for you. I couldn’t do it. I realized then how much I love you (Name). I really and truly love you.”
“What am I supposed to say?” I ask tears silently falling from my eyes.
“Whatever you want. You can tell me to go to hell, to never see you again; hell, you can tell me to eat shit and die and I will.” He adds making me chuckle slightly at his words. “But if there is even the slightest bit of a chance that you can forgive me, and give me a second chance, the please tell me now.” I contemplate all the emotions and feelings running through my body as I stare up into his handsome face. I wanted nothing more than to tell him I loved him and that I wanted to be with him but what if it wasn’t enough. What if all this was, was just smoke and mirrors? It would probably kill me.
I take a deep breath fully intending to tell him no when I hear myself say, “I love you James Barnes.” He smiles and goes to hold me but I hold my had up stopping him in his tracks, “But I’m scared that this is all just…”
“It’s not what you think (Name) I really and truly love you. I will gladly spend the rest of my life proving it to you. If you’ll let me.” He says as his hands reach up to rest on my shoulders. I stare at him for a moment my eyes searching his for any hint that he might be untrue but there is none. Giving him a hopeful smile I wrap my arms around his waist and hold tight to him. “You better not be lying Barnes.” He kisses the top of my head as he gently smoothes my hair back.
“I promise (Name), I’ll always be here for you; and I’ll say it as much as I can. I love you.”
“I love you too James Buchanan Barnes.” 
LATER
“I swear you are never allowed to leave the tower again.” Tony says as he sets a glass of whiskey down in front of you.
“Oh really? Why?” I ask a smile covering my lips as I hold tight to Bucky’s hand.
“Because Frosty here is annoying when he’s sulking. I almost tossed him back into Cryo to lighten the mood around here.”
“HEY!” Bucky argues making me laugh at the two of them as I look around at all our friends. Bucky grips tighter to my hand and I smile lovingly at him as I think to myself that I couldn’t be happier.
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Text
Come back to me
Summary: You are captured by Hydra and they force you to undergo Winter Soldier conditioning that steals your memories and turns you into a mindless Soldier.
Warnings: Cussing, angst, sorta fluff.
Word Count: 2699 (NO REGRETS!!!!)
A/N: Yeah, another bucky story. Sorry not sorry. Bucky is bae af.
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Being an avenger has its ups and downs. The ups, Public recognition, hanging out with the coolest people ever, making lifelong friends, saving people. The downs, the occasional near death experiance, bloody lip, broken arm, being kidnapped. Which brings me to my point. I have been kidnapped.
Bucky’s point of view.
Missions are always the same. We get a call about bad guys. We go after the bad guys. The bad guys have some sort of nefarious plan to either capture us or kill us. They underestimate how good we are and then loose.
So of course I thought today would be like every other mission. Steve, Nat, Y/N, and I would go through the front doors. Tony would take sky patrol with Vision and Wanda and Pam would be in the quinjet for backup. Easy peasy.
Steve and Nat went one way while Y/N and I went toward the prize. It was a group of files that was supposed to have all the locations of the last few hydra bases. We get that file we can finally finish hydra off. Finally.
Then the soldiers came. “You take out the soldiers. Ill get the file.” Y/N’s sweet voice called out.
I didn’t want her to go for it alone, but her way seemed to be the only one that made sense. So I let her go while the soldiers surrounded me.
“Capture if possible. Terminate if necissary.” One of them called.
As they advanced with their stun rods I braced myself. One of them got close enough and I swung my metal arm, hitting him across the head and sending him into another one.
Then all hell seemed to break out. People were flying at me, and almost easily I countered every single one of them. A well-placed knee. A punch here or there. It was almost like dancing.
Finally, they were all subdued and I could continue on to where Y/N was hopefully waiting for me. “On my way.” I said into the com on my ear.
“Buck, I have been compromised. Find the file and get the hell out of there.” Her voice broke the calm of my composure.
I broke into a run. “What do you mean compromised. Y/N!” I called into the com, pushing through the doors. There was no answer. “FRIDAY! Open her com. Let me hear her!” He directed the artificial intelligence that had access to all tech Stark could get his hands on. 
“Bucky, what is happening?” Cap flooded my ear.
“Stay off the line, everybody, I need to hear this.” He commanded.
Her faint voice was traceable. “You guys are stupid. Honestly. You think Ill give you anything. Just kill me now and save the trouble.”
It sounded like the com wasn’t on her, but it was close by. I ran into the room the file was supposed to be in and found the back wall had been blown off and in the distance a hydra jet was dissapearing into the horizon.
“Stark, follow that damn jet!” He ordered.
“On it.” Stark said.
“Seriously Bucky. What the hell is going on?” Natasha’s voice found its way to my ear.
I started looking around frantic for the file. It probably had the base that they were taking Y/N to. “They got her. Hydra grabbed her. She hid the file though. We need to find it.”
Y/N’s voice chimed in again, only now it was an exhasperated laughed. “Jesus. You sure know how to use that thing. Hit me again. I dare you.” She was taunting whoever her captor was.
“Dumbass.” I muttered as I found the file. “FRIDAY, track her com and see if it is at any of these bases.” I demanded, putting the contents of the file in a weird electronic doodad that Nat and Y/N insisted on using.
In no time she had the location and we were on our way.
Nat tried to cheer me up but I wasn’t worried. I knew Y/N. She can handle herself.
Y/N’s point of view.
The man who was in charge of my ‘interogation’ landed a punch directly to my jaw. I spit out a puddle of blood and smiled. Sure it hurt, but the look on his face was worth it. “Come on. You hit like a girl. Hit me harder. You know you want to.” I teased.
“I know what you are trying to do agent. Your facade will be short lived. Soon you won’t be able to hold back your screams of pain.” The man had a heavy german accent.
I rolled my eyes. “Oh shut up hitler. Im starting to think you are all bark and no bite.” I teased, ignoring the stinging on my face.
The man was tired of my going on about how I could do this all day and all that. “Fine. No more mr. Nice torture. Now we bring out the big guns.” He said, snapping his fingers.
Two large men wheeled in a machine that looked quite familiar.
“Im sure you recognize this agent.” You said, pulling the chair you were in till it was under the machine. “I assume you have seen the Winter Soldier conditioning footage. You have until the machine warms up to tell me what I want to know.” He threatened, turning on the machine’s program.
Sure I was scared. Hell I was scared shitless, but I would never betray my people. “Hook me up and turn it on full power baby. This is just another weekend for me.” I said, instantly wishing I didn’t.
He shrugged. “As you wish.” He flipped the on switch again and the last thing I saw was the head piece lowering down over my eyes.
Bucky’s point of view.
“Can’t this thing go any faster?” Natasha asked, moving up to the cockpit to leave me alone.
The com was stil on. “I assume you have seen the Winter Soldier conditioning footage.” I heard loud and clear. The male’s voice was easier to hear then the Y/N’s. “You have until the machine warms up to tell me what I want to know.”
My eyes glazed over as I remember the pain. If her memory wasn’t of use to them, then they were going to wipe it. We needed to hurry up. “Tony, tell me you are close.” I said into the com.
“No man. No closer then you. I lost the jet a while back.” Tony’s voice said. “Your like five minutes away.”
“Hook me up and turn it on full power baby.” Y/N’s voice reached my ears.
“NO!” I jumped to my feet and looked out the window. “Fucking step on it.” I hissed to Pam, who was flying the jet.
Y/N/s screams were the only thing I could hear. Her cries for help. Pleading to let her die. It killed me.
A hand on my shoulder pulled me away. “We are here.”
Y/N’s point of view.
Pain. It was worse then anything I had ever felt before. Ive been shot, hit, electrocuted, and broken before but nothing like this. This was hell. Everything that ever hurt me before all at once times ten in my head. It was enough to make me crave death. At least if I was dead I couldn’t feel it anymore.
Then it was over. The pain was gone. I wanted to ask why it was gone but I couldn’t. I couldn’t say anything. I could only open my eyes. The room was blotchy and bright.
“Agent Y/L/N?” He asked. I tilted my head in confusion. Who was that. Why was he asking me? Who is this?
His smile was pleased. “Good. A blank slate.” He said to himself. “I am the commander. Your handler. You do exactly as I say. Do you understand?” He asked.
I nodded. If he said that was what was happening, who was I to say different.
“Stand  up and show me what you can do.” He commanded. “Kill these men.”
I looked to the men on either side of me. They were larger then me, but if The Commander said I can do it then I guess I can.
In an instant they were both ready to attack me, but I was quicker. I delivered a knee to the one closest to me’s stomach before I threw my foot back to hit the other man in the nose. My foot finally came down on the first one’s foot, making him lurch forward, right into my waiting hand. I thrusted up as hard as I could, smashing into his nose and shattering it. The shards must have went into his brain, because when he went down he didn’t get back up.
The other man was watching in horror. He fell to his knees. “Please don’t kill me. Please.” He begged, his voice shaking.
I didn’t feel bad for him. I was told to kill him. He deserved to die. I had to kill him. So I walked over, pulled him up by the shirt and grabbed his throat with my hand. It was soft. His own hands clawed at the one that had him by the throat, and his nails tore at my flesh, but I ignored it. I only squeezed until I could feel my fingertips with my palm.
“Good work.” The commander complimented. “You nearly popped his head off. Not only are you agile and resilient, but you are incredibly strong too.”
There was a commotion outside the doors and the commander moved behind me. “I see your old friends have found you. Good. Kill the next person who walks through that door. That is an order.” He hissed.
I nodded. Old friends or not, it was my mission.
Bucky’s point of view.
I threw the guard against the door before tossing him to the side. Y/N was through that door. I had to see her. I kicked open the door and went inside.
She was standing tall, her eyes completly blank. Her right arm was bleeding from several scratches that littered her skin. Against one of the walls was the dreadful machine that had destroyed my life. There were two dead men in the room and hiding behind her was another man.
“Come on baby, Im breaking you out of here.” I said, holding out my flesh hand.
Her eyes didn’t register what I said. “Haha, you fool. You are too late!” The man behind her called. “Complete your mission!”
My heart dropped. Mission? They had used it on her. Before I could say anything to bring her out of it, her hand had grabbed my outstretched hand. Her fingers dug into the flesh with a strength I didn’t think she had.
Gracefully she spun and hit my body with full force, her other elbow dug into my ribs. “Y/N” I gasped as all my air left.
Her leg connected with mine, knocking them out from under me. I hit the ground hard and she was on me, her hands reaching for my throat.
My own arms were up, holding her hands still. “Y/N, stop. This isn’t you. You are not his pawn.” I tried to get through to her.
There was no reaction to her. Only her knees dug into my sides, making my drop my hands from hers and going after her knees. Big mistake. She pinned my arms down with her knees and wrapped her hands around my throat.
“Please.” I gasped with what little air I could.
Y/N’s point of view.
“Come on baby. You can do better then that.” Bucky’s voice taunted from above me. “Hit me. Come on.” He teased.
With determination, I threw my leg out in his direction and sweeped his legs out, making him crash hard beside me. I took that opportunity to roll over and climb on top of him. “I win.” I smiled.
His dark eyebrow arched and he smirked. “Did you?” He asked before throwing all his weight to one side, knocking me off. He put his knees on either side of me and pinned both my hands above my head with one hand. “I kinda feel like I might have won.” He said.
I rolled my eyes. “Sure you did.” I said.
His lips connected with mine and his hand left mine to trail down to the hem of my shirt.
I smirked and slammed my arm against his leg, moving it only a quarter of an inch, but it was enough to slide out from under him. Tackled him and this time wrapped my legs around his, holding his arms under my torso. “Dont get distracted old man.” I teased, letting my lips fall back to his.
My finger’s stretched over my target’s neck. Leaving him without breath. Seeing him like this wasn’t like with the others. I felt something. Something hurt.
“Finish him!” A very ugly voice called.
I looked at the man under me. His handsome face was turning a shade of blue. His eyes were bloodshot and his mouth was gaping, looking for air. My hand was keeping him from that air. All I had to do was move that hand. I could let him live. I could keep him from being in pain. I wanted to.
My hand loosened only slightly, and he took that opportunity. He used his weight to his advantaged and knocked me to the floor. He quickly pinned me and had my hands pinned with his legs like I had done. He was coughing, but all his senses were on keeping me pinned.
“Y/N. Please.” His voice was scratchy. “I know there is something left in you. Please.”
Bucky’s point of view.
She is still in there. I saw it. She let go. I know she did. I could get through to her. I could. “Baby. Don’t let this be you. Don’t be the winter soldier.” I pleaded. She squirmed under me, her eyes glazed over. “Doll, come on. I love you. Please.” I begged.
Y/N’s point of view.
“I love you.” I said, wrapping my arms around Bucky’s shoulders. He was flipping pancakes for us. “Why havent I ever said that before?” I asked, hopping up to the counter in front of him, blocking him from the pancake batter.
He shrugged. “Because you are an insensitive bitch.” He offered, making me laugh even harder. “Nah, I know you love me. You don’t have to say it.”
I shook my head and cupped his cheek with my hand. “But I want to say it. I want to say it all day long every day. I love you James Buchanan Barnes. You are my soldier.” I grinned ear to ear.
“And I love you Y/F/L/N. You are my best girl.” He said, putting the food stuff to the side and scooting up against me. His lips against mine sent chills down my spine.
Him on top of me sent chills down my spine. I hated being pinned, but something about right now, it was almost nice. I stopped fighting. I let him pin me.
“Y/N, baby. Listen to me. Whatever is going on in your head, you can end it.” The man’s voice finally reached me. “Come back to me. I love you. I need you. Come back to me baby.”
What is going on in my head. My target was right on top of me and I was just letting him be. I was just laying there. “Kill him!” My Commander’s voice found my ears.
Only I didn’t want to kill him.
Instead I smiled. My eyes met Bucky’s and I remembered just how much I loved him. “I love you too.” I said.
Bucky’s point of view.
“I love you too.” She recognized me. I let out a shaky breath. “Doll. You came back to me.” He said.
She scoffed. “I couldn’t stay away.” She said, leaning up and putting her lips on mine.
“NO! NO NO NO NO NO!” The german man’s voice pierced our moment.
I stood and glared at him. “You are so fucking dead.”
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