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#like ill fucking cry over being so god damn lonely and shit only to cry when someone i like but dont talk to talks to me!
blasphamoustraitors · 3 years
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Hum
#august living#u know what says a lot abt my self confidence in my intelligence?#we were playing clue w my dad for a belated fathers day thing and the first game i knew the answer second time around the board#but i waited until the next time that exact combo was asked for again and no one had it to say i had the answer#bc i didnt believe i was right and just wanted to make sure and and that i didnt want to ruin the run by having the answer right away idk#then my brother and my dad were like why!? wouldnt u say u wanted to solve!?#just. like. idk im literally only confident in my looks!!!!! idk!!!!!#whatever i knew this i literally cried abt someone i dont talk to regularly starting a conversation w me unprompted#bc i dont think i deserve it or that im worth ppls time or that i know the right things to say or that they rlly want to talk to me???#like ill fucking cry over being so god damn lonely and shit only to cry when someone i like but dont talk to talks to me!?#i made a sappy little post abt being greatful for sunsets yesterday on my fb and immediately#i wanted to post a thirst trap to reinforce that no im not smart or poetic or worldly im just i stupid himbo toy!!!#i didnt i did other things but i wanted to. i just. ive built up one skill to the point where its gotten me everything that ive ever had#relationships wise and now i dont know hoe to not be embarrassed by getting attention for being anything other than hot and fuckable#its essentially all i post on my fb. selfies. and i know i can get more attention and admiration if i post something a little or a lot sexy#and. i. dont know how to not feel like my body holds all my worth. when i know ppl are so much more likely to interact w me if im being hot#also yes i do feel like i dont deserve to reach out for conversation myself bc my mother instilled#that i couldnt invite myself over to friends houses and that spilled over into not feeling like i could talk to ppl first#ok. actually theres a lot that went into my whole thing but that is a big one#anyway im dont playing therapist with myself i need to sleep
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lavenderwhore444 · 3 years
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Ok so we all love pervert shigaraki ( Ik u do so please don’t lie to ur self love 😀) anyways what if shigaraki had a huge crush on the reader and steals there panties ( when there out in a mission working there ass off) but the reader notices and placed cameras in her room just to see who’s stealing them surprise surprise it’s ya boy shiggy and the reader finds it kind of cute that he’s that desperate but is also upsetting because there working and he’s here getting off on her stuff so.the reader catch’s him in the act and shows him the videos ( shigaraki at this point is crying from embarrassment and he’s begging for the reader to delete the videos) as a punishment the reader pegs the shit out of him and the ending is fluff since I do love shiggy
First of all English isn’t my first language so apologizes for any mistakes and for the ending please work ur magic sis 
💍🧎🏻‍♀️marry me this is so good
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Warnings: smut (obvi) shigaraki is a perv degradation a little I think #peg shiggy 2021 fingering for Shig 😌 humiliation??? Idk what to put man request says it all
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🌸 I have an irl on here rn because we both simp for crusty men, and she’s probably lowkey scared of me. I was drunk on having social interaction for the first time forever and was like, “omg, I write for them. I have Tumblr 🤪” Listen, I told you I would do anything for him, and I fucking meant it, ok? And he’s a little pervert, so they're kinda gross (indirectly making me have gross kinks too ig ☹️) Plus, I warned you about his piss kink, that should've been a good indicator to the rest of these 🙄 , Anyways anon has sent me THE BEST SCENARIOS OMG. I have read a lot of Shigaraki fics, BUT THESE ARE SO ORIGINAL IM SO HAPPY. There's one, in particular, I'm excited to write because it's just so cute, omg. 🌸
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It was the fifth time this week. You were out on another mission, and Tomura was half-naked in your room on the verge of passing out from how many times he had cum into various articles of your clothing. It started off as just your panties. Perverted but not insane. As time went on, it only got worse. The panties weren’t good enough. He started putting one of your shirts over his face as he got off, and that worked...for a while. His next fix was to steal some of your perfume, but it wasn't good enough.
He felt disgusting the first time he got off in your room. He felt like he'd crossed a line (not that he hadn’t already), but it was the best orgasm of his life. What's done is done, so he might as well take advantage of the rest of your room. He was pretty comfortable now, face pressed into your pillow, inhaling your scent as his body spasmed for the last time. He was utterly spent.
And now, for the worst part, being in your room surrounded by your stuff, smelling your perfume, but still being all alone. It wasn't like Shigaraki had a crush on you or anything. Him having a crush on y/n? Unheard of. The rest of the girls in the league were like family to him. You two just weren't there yet, even though it had been five months, and he blushes whenever you talk to him. So what if he wants to punch Dabi whenever he looks at you? He wasn't in love with you. God damn it, he was just horny. That was it. That was the extent of his feelings, and they would go away.
They didn't go away, but more of your stuff sure did. It was becoming more common for clothing in your room to go missing only to end up clean and folded in the proper drawer. It was weird, but someone was doing most of your laundry for you. It wasn't Dabi taking your stuff. He could get his dick wet whenever he wanted. The other guys preached “don’t lewd y/n” and tried to fight Dabi when he put his hand on your thigh. Toga would steal your shirts but definitely not your underwear. If she did steal your clothing, she’d post a mirror pic and tag you in it.
So that left your boss. Tomura Shigaraki. You thought he hated you. He got all quiet and distant when you talked to him. Was he nervous? He glared at you and Dabi. Or was it just Dabi? Maybe the little creep did like you. He was kinda cute. His messy hair looked so soft, his eyes lit up when he won his games, Shigaraki had this little smile when he was watching the league sit together, and he had discarded father almost completely. But he was a creep, and you definitely didn't have a crush on him. Definitely not.
But part of you didn't want to tell him to stop. It took a while to cook up a plan, but it was foolproof when you came up with one. You found stole the money to invest in some hidden cameras. By now, you were starting to accept that you might like him just a little. But in a sad puppy kind of way. You didn't actually have a crush on him. Nope, not at all.
And it was kind of mean that he was making you do all this work while he got to jerk off in your bed. You'd come back with cuts, scrapes, bruises, and even a broken bone one time, just for him to totally ignore you. He had spent all day ruining your clothes and wouldn't even look at you.
Your behavior had changed towards Tomura, though, and he had definitely noticed. You were acting the same way he was. You were always blushing when you talked to him. You sat next to him while he played games, but it's "just because you're bored." Maybe you were starting to like him back. He had come to terms with his not-so-little crush on you. This didn't stop him from acting like a perv but still.
The cameras had been up for a while, and honestly, watching those videos back was way better than watching porn. Shigaraki looked so sweet and desperate. The way he laid in your bed afterward, holding your pillow, made your heartache for him. He just looked so lonely. You decided it was time to confront him.
"I'm going out for a couple days, guys!" you called, walking out with a backpack on your shoulder.
"I'll miss you, dollface," Dabi called back, blowing a kiss as you laughed at him.
The glare Shigaraki gave him could have dusted him right then and there. You stayed at a cheap motel for a while, watching the cameras. It was pretty nice to finally have some quiet. It didn't take long for Shigaraki to wander into your room with a raging hard-on. You took your time getting home, knowing he'd be there for at least a few hours. You glanced at your phone once in a while, catching two of Shigaraki’s orgasms. You’d hear a strangled cry and see his mouth wide open, eyes squeezed shut, and back arching. He’d coat his chest and your underwear in hot cum. You started to walk faster. Most of the league was asleep as you used your levitation quirk to float silently up the stairs. You opened the door.
“Who knew you were such a perv, Shiggy. All this time, I thought you hated me, but it looks like someone has a little crush on me, ” you said sweetly.
He looked like a deer in headlights, eyes wide as his body froze. A soft whimper left him as his face turned an angry shade of red that matched the head of his cock.
“N-no please, I'm sorry y/n I-i just didn't um ill leave. I'm so sorry, ” he muttered.
He got up, but you pushed him back on the bed.
“Not yet, Shiggy. I have something to show you, ” you said in a singsong voice.
You sat next to him, slinging your left arm around his shoulders. You pulled up the live feed.
“Aww, look at how cute we look right now, Shig, ” you teased.
His face told you that he was terrified.
“Y-you didn’t, ” he tried to fool himself.
“Oh, I did, ” you whispered in his ear.
You heard him sniffle. You slid the bar at the bottom of the screen back to show him what he was doing mere minutes ago.
“No, you can't, ” he choked as tears fell from his eyes, “please don’t show anyone y/n. Please I c-cant. I'm sorry, just don’t show anyone, ” he sobbed, “please don't. I’ll never talk to you again if you want I’ll do anything just don't show anyone, ” he cried.
“Anything?” you questioned.
“Anything, ” he nodded, still crying.
“Well, first of all, ” you said, “you can start by taking me out on a date, ”
He nearly choked as his eyes widened.
“What?” he whispered, wiping his eyes and nose.
“I said that you’re going to take me out on a date, and please use a tissue, ” you said.
He nodded and cleaned up his face the rest of the way.
“And second, you can take off your shirt and bend over the bed with your legs spread, ” you whispered in his ear, pressing a kiss just below it.
He looked confused for a second until his eyes widened, and he did as he was told.
“Now, don't play dumb with me. I know you’ll like this. I've seen you try and finger yourself before, but you did a shit job, and I promise this will be even better, ” you smiled, ruffling Tomura's hair.
He was getting more comfortable with you now, giving a nervous smile and humming when you touched his hair.
You walked back with everything you needed, only to sigh disappointedly, “oh Shiggy, that's not nearly wide enough. I know you can do better than that. Spread your legs more,”
He nodded, eager to please, and nearly did the splits. You giggled and smacked his butt. He jumped, causing you to laugh again.
“You’re so precious. It's a real shame I'm about to turn you into a slutty mess, ” you cooed.
He felt two slimy fingers press against his hole, and he shuddered. He tried to relax and let you press into him. It didn't take very long to get him moaning, bucking against your fingers. Two became three, and three became four before you decided he was ready. You were looking forward to eating him out, but this was supposed to be a punishment. You lined him up, rubbing the head against his hole that was still clenching around nothing. You pushed the entire thing inside of him as he screamed.
You scoffed, “do you know how many people you just woke up? Do you want the whole league to know you're getting pegged as punishment for being a disgusting, perverted slut? You want them to know that I'm fucking your ass? Huh? Do you? Cause I'll bend you over the fucking bar and show them who you submit to, ”
You started thrusting at a brutal pace. Tomura pushed his face into the pillow only for you to levitate him so he couldn't do anything to stop all the sounds coming out of his mouth. You were looking forward to all the looks you'd get as you smirked, and he struggled to sit next to you. You managed to go even harder.
“You’re not sitting or walking this week, Shiggy, ” you cooed.
“No, ” he choked out, “n-no call me Tomura p-please, ” he moaned.
“Tomura, ” you whispered in his ear, “pretty name for a pretty boy, ”
You reached around and twisted his nipple, causing him to cry out. Tomura only got louder as you reached around and grabbed his balls another hand-squeezed his tip between two fingers and pinched gently before jerking him instead. He was losing it now, tongue hanging out, and eyes rolled back. Little screams were ripped from him, and he jerked around.
“Y/n ‘m gonna, ‘m gonna cum, ” Tomura slurred.
“You gonna cum for me, Tomu? Go on, do it, ” you encouraged.
He cried out, his body going rigid as he shot cum out of his cock. He was gasping and panting as you let him flop down on the bed and pulled out.
“C-can you help me back to my room, ” he whispered, looking sad.
“No, ” you said as he frowned, eyes watering again, “because you're staying with me tonight. Get in bed, ”
He blushed and crawled into the corner. You yanked him closer, taking over as the big spoon.
“Goodnight, Tomura, ” you said. Kissing his back and shoulders, you rubbed his stomach and chest, “you're so pretty, baby. I forgive you. It’s obvious you’ve never had a crush on a girl before, and I think you learned your lesson, ” you said, rubbing his sore ass.
He nodded, “I'm sorry, I just didn't know what to do, ” he mumbled.
“I know, sweetie, ” you whispered, “I know. Was what we did ok? Did you like it?”
He nodded, “I liked it, ” he whispered.
“Do you need anything, ” you asked.
He shook his head, “just tired, ”
“Alright, baby, just get some sleep, love, ” you said.
He nodded as you both found an absurd amount of comfort in being so close to each other. You slept like a baby. You woke up to him gazing at you lovingly, pushing a piece of hair behind your ear.
He kissed your forehead, “I hope you know you're never getting rid of me, ” he smiled.
He kissed you, “y’know I'm kind of disappointed you didn't kiss me last night, ” he pouted.
“Mmm, I was too busy fucking you, sorry sweetie, ” you said, kissing him again.
“You enjoyed your ‘punishment’ a little too much, but having to go downstairs should be punishment enough, ” you grinned.
He groaned, “please don't make me. Let me stay in my room forever y/n, ”
“No, can do Tomu, you need breakfast, ” you said.
You walked downstairs, sitting at the bar and eating your breakfast. No one else was up yet, or so you thought until you heard footsteps coming down the stairs.
“You're not dead?” Dabi asked, completely dumbfounded.
“No dumbfuck, I'm not dead. Why the hell would I be dead?” he snapped.
“I dunno maybe cause you were screaming from y/n’s room all nigh- oh no. Oh god I think I'm gonna be sick, ” he fake gagged.
All you did was laugh at him.
“You two are disgusting, y’know that?” he said.
“We know, ” you smiled eating the rest of your breakfast.
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I’m going to be honest before I get to the Sam/Rebecca subplot: if they drop plots threads indicating that this continue into the next season and uplift this pairing, I’m out.
This storyline is gross and I can see why some people quit the show when the revealed happened.
When I say I’m repulsed by age gap relationships of this nature, this isn’t a shipping thing or a race thing. This is a moral and ethical thing. Because it’s not just an age gap, it’s also that Rebecca is Sam’s boss. I legitimately don’t see how people can overlook this and ship how “cute” this is. I’m not judging anyone, it just genuinely doesn’t make sense to me.
And for people who think I’m a hypocrite, Ted/Rebecca is not the same. Sam and Rebecca is like a principal dating a student. If you want to age Sam up, because people love to accuse others of infantilizing Sam, it’s like the president of a college dating a student. In both cases, there would be backlash, and have been, to these types of relationships.
Which would make Ted’s position that of a teacher/professor or someone higher. In most cases, there aren’t objections, however, both parties have to be transparent about their relationship and careful about how and if that influences their professional relationship with each other and others.
Last week, I mentioned a friend of mine who was 18 and dated someone who was 28. Both are white for reference. When I found out their ages and respective positions, I became concerned and doubly concerned.
Oh, they had chemistry and he made her so happy, but he was also controlling as fuck and emotionally abusive. During the duration of their relationship, he became her boss and would monitor her interactions via cameras in the back office. She was stressed out as fuck and would go to the bathroom to cry. You know, where cameras weren’t and where he couldn’t enter.
And it was a secret relationship because he could get in trouble. I didn’t say anything because she was with her boyfriend before she knew me. Me telling someone could’ve gotten him in trouble or fired, but that wouldn’t have ended the relationship. It would’ve made her end our friendship and cling closer to him. Instead, after I quit for other reasons, I sporadically checked on her to see how she was doing and give her advice and resources.
As far as the actual episode itself goes, I struggled to enjoy it due to the Sam/Rebecca situation. It should’ve ended at dinner at most.
The only emotional beat that landed, imo, was Jamie and Roy’s hug. I do think Ted’s confession was strong, but the flow was kinda weird for me. By itself it works.
Two things working for me that wasn’t at the forefront of the episode was 1. How Ted’s problem is fucking over the team. 2. That Nate is in over his head.
Even if AFC Richmond had lost with Ted being in his A game, it wouldn’t have been that made and the team would’ve been more competitive. They were sloppy and making baffling errors. Their head was not in the game and it showed. Man City wasn’t that good, Richmond was just that ill prepared.
And who led training?
Nate.
Nate has great instincts, but he isn’t ready to lead a team and he still has a lot of work to do before growing into coaching a team as head coach.
But let me stress, this falls completely on Ted and even Beard to an extent. Yes, Ted is having emotional issues, however, many people rely on him and he wasn’t there. I don’t mean literally because teams should be able to function without their head coach for stretches of time. He hasn’t been there mentally and emotionally for most of the season. Because AFC Richmond’s competition isn’t as premier as Man City, it’s easier to appear more dominant that you are, esp if you’re coach isn’t on his A game. However, when you’re up against actual Goliath’s in the league, you’ll get your ass handed to you like Richmond did.
As I mentioned earlier, if they do go through with supporting and uplifting Sam/Rebecca, my time with this fandom ends with the season 2 finale.
But if we take Ted’s dark forest into consideration, there is another way this could play out. Actually many.
The one I can see happening that can get her somewhat redeemed, because some will never get over this happening in the first place, is her hitting rock bottom via her relationship with Sam. Something will happen or make her have unflattering thoughts about herself and her actions that will drive her into a tailspin.
And I’m unsure if it’ll be just a personal crisis or if it’ll also be a professional crisis.
Some may disagree with me, but I do want this affair to come to light. Because if it doesn’t, it sets up this fucked up precedent that Rebecca can do fucked up shit and get away with it in private.
Rebecca fucked over her club, uprooted a man’s life in bad faith, and almost ruined several people’s careers due to her bullshit in the first season. The fact that she didn’t have to answer for any of this is a God damn mercy on Ted’s part even though she didn’t ask for it.
Now for her to date/fuck a player because “she just has to know.” Because she doesn’t want to let something pass her by?
Yeah…no.
Rebecca’s fear of loneliness is leading her to make very bad decisions and I fear what this means for Sam’s career and relationships if this breaks. There were people who allegedly care for Sam, yet cheered for this relationship to happen. What do you think happens with his locker room relationships? I’ve already explained in another post that either this sours those relationships OR they want favors from him because he’s dating/fucking the boss.
He’ll get crucified in the media. He may even have trouble getting employed. Why? Because that’s how racism works.
“But, masterthespianduchovny, if Sam may receive hate and racist acts committed against him, why do you want the affair exposed?”
Because this shit show of a relationship isn’t about just Sam. It’s about Rebecca’s fear of loneliness leading her to make bad decisions that effects everyone not just her and Sam. It’s the fact that a white woman isn’t thinking about how her actions could have major consequences for a young black man.
Rebecca is so obsessed with not being lonely and being loved that 1. She never sought help or productive ways to deal with the fall out and humiliation of her marriage. 2. She dated a man because he was “fine” and not because she was actually invested in him and the relationship 3. She’s getting involved with a player on her team without thinking of any of the consequences. 4. She’s not considering the other players, the coaches, or anyone else she’s responsible for.
Oh, and considering we got that call from Sam’s dad…his relationship with his father will most likely suffer as a result. AND now that Dubai Air thing looks suspect, esp because she was talking to him around that time unknowingly.
Oop! And isn’t she getting her relationship with Nora back on track? Even though Nora and Sam can’t legally date and I’m not saying every decision should be swayed by a teenage girl, however, Rebecca is literally sabotaging every relationship just because she’s afraid of being alone (I agree with another poster who said we really didn’t need to explore this storyline, but alas…)
Although Ted forgave Rebecca for her scheming in season one, I honestly don’t think he’d be so forgiving for this. It’s his job to protect players and look out for their well being and how can he one his boss is involved with one of his players, which again, affects others players. This relationship has major consequences for other people who are not in it.
Also, Sam…for someone who people love to say is mature enough to date an older woman, not once did even be consider the ramifications of getting involved with the boss.
Not once.
And that looks bad because a mature person his age would be mindful of such a thing. This isn’t considered or, at least, isn’t said onscreen. Sam os either thinking with his dick, his heart, or both, but he isn’t thinking with his head. Because there is no way you’re thinking with your head and don’t stop to say, “hey, this thing could jeopardize my relationship with my teammates and the other people I work with. Maybe I should think some more of this before pursuing a relationship with my boss.” Sam was all in from the moment he decided he wanted to have dinner with Rebecca. There was no thinking on his end.
But Sam’s super mature, right?
Another poster mentioned that there might be a screaming match between Rebecca and ted and I’m so here for that. No, I don’t think this argument will be romantic. They’ll have legitimate gripes with each other, but yeah…this is an argument that needs to happen. Which will most likely be before Rebecca gets help.
That’s all assuming this happens. Like I said, they could have Sam and Rebecca being a power couple (🤮), or handle this some other way. But if this is going to be framed as a good thing, others can enjoy it, but the show will have one less viewer from me.
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Happy New Year - Part III (2016) | The Umbrella Academy AU
Pairing: Klaus x Vicky (OC - The Eighth Child’ Verse) Word Count: 1k Warning: Strong language, mention of drug use (overdose)
(Masterlist)
I gave everyone the day off, there was still some work to be done, but it could wait. I just wanted to go home, I was sad and tired and I could use some sleep after overworking myself being the youngest CEO that company had ever had.
The silence would never stop bothering me, I grew up in a house with seven siblings, being in that apartment by myself was like torture. When you're a kid and all you can hear is screaming and bickering, you think to yourself: oh, how I wish I had a place to be alone.
Then you get the place to be alone and you miss your family.
It was so incredibly lonely and depressing, I underestimated how horrible the holidays would be in San Francisco. Christmas was certainly something... I ate Chinese takeout by myself on the couch while watching Skin Wars and feeling like shit. No tree, no gifts, no nothing.
New Year's Eve seemed to be going on the same route, I preheated the oven before shoving a frozen pizza inside, set the timer, and fell on the couch with a grunt.
Taking this fucking job was the stupidest decision of my life and there wasn't a single day that I didn't think about quitting and going back home, but there was a voice in my brain always saying 'you'd be stupid to quit. A CEO position? Are you kidding me? And all for what? For him?'.
"Yes, for him," I murmured to myself. "And for me."
Alright, which show about a mentally ill woman to who I weirdly relate too much to would I watch tonight? Crazy Ex-Girlfriend or Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? Well, I suppose a bit o music would be nice, besides looking at Santino Fontana's beautiful face and hearing his majestic voice always made me a little less sad.
Time seemed to never pass, I ate, I watched all the episodes available at the time for both shows, I took a bubble bath, worked a little (cause what else did I have to do?), and sat by the window on my minuscule balcony.
"Eleven fifty-six, what a fucking waste of ti-"
Before I could finish, my phone started ringing and showing a number I didn't recognize. Who the fuck calls someone four minutes before the new year?
"Hello?" I picked up, curiosity got the best of me.
"Hey there, Schnucki," Klaus' voice made my heart race. "How's my favorite marketing prodigy doing?"
"I'm... Great," I hoped he didn't pick up on my lie.
"Doesn't sound like it," damn it, he knows me too well.
"Well, it's the first New Year's Eve we spend apart, it's kinda sad."
"I know, that's why I'm calling, I miss you."
"I miss you too," I bit my fist, trying not to cry. "Where are you? Are you safe? Are you sober?"
"I'm safe, I'm on rehab right now, so I guess that means I'm sober too."
"Oh my God, again? What happened?"
"Pfff..." I could almost see him waving me off through the phone. "A little heroin overdose and everyone freaked out, nothing serious. I was out for maybe two minutes, then I was right back, it wasn't a big deal, really."
"KLAUS!" I wasn't able to hold back my tears. "What did you do? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, I've been better, but it's alright. I'm strong, Schatzi, no need to worry about me."
"Maybe you should..." Say it, say it you coward! Tell him to move in with you! "Get a new roommate, someone to take care of you."
"Vicky, my dear, you should know by now you're the only one who can deal with my shit."
"That can't be true..."
"But it is, nobody wants me around for long periods of time, it's my curse. I'm incredibly charming, and I attract people like sugar attracts ants, but they leave just as fast as they come."
"You need to take care of yourself, Klausie, I can't lose another brother."
"You probably wouldn't even know about it. I haven't talked to anyone in over a year, I have been couch-surfing, nobody cares about me."
"I care."
"But you left," he nearly whispered, the bitterness in his voice made me wanna crawl under a rock and never come out.
"Klaus, I-" Say it! Say you regret leaving and you wanna go back to living with him. "I didn't leave you because I don't care about you, I care about you more than you could ever imagine."
"You know, sometimes when I'm almost asleep, I can smell you, not your perfume, just you."
"Yeah, me too," I wiped the tears that gathered on my neck and my chest. "It's so hard being away from my family."
"At least we get to spend NYE together like we always do... It's almost midnight."
"Are you getting your midnight kiss?" I joked.
"Nah, it would be too awkward being stuck with that person in the clinic," Klaus laughed. "How about you? Have you found yourself a boy toy to keep you busy?"
"Yeah, cause that sounds exactly like me..." I rolled my eyes. "I'm in my balcony alone right now."
"At least you get to see the fireworks, I bet they are beautiful there."
"I guess I will find out pretty soon."
"Are you ready, Schnucki?"
"Even if I'm not the new year is coming anyway," I chuckled.
"5..."
"4..."
"3..."
"2..."
"1..."
"Happy new year, Klausie," I shouted as the fireworks exploded in front of my eyes. They were wonderful, but somehow to me they seemed dull and uninteresting.
"Happy new year!" he cheered. "So, how are they? Beautiful?"
"Not as much as the ones back home," maybe I just thought that because he was there to make everything brighter.
"I wish I could give you a hug," Klaus' voice cracked, cracking my heart in two as well.
"Me too," I smiled sadly. "Hopefully next year I'll find a way to be there."
Of course I didn't, not because I didn't want to, but because I'm really dumb and insisted on running away from my happiness because I've always been taught by my father that feelings are a weakness and we shouldn't have them... But that's beside the point.
"I should probably go to bed now, I need to wake up at six tomorrow," Klaus said.
"Okay, goodnight," I sighed, wishing he would stay with me on the phone for hours and hours. "Sleep tight and sweet dreams."
"Schlaf gut, Schnucki."
"And take care... Please."
Tag List: @elliethesuperfruitlover @firstpersonnarrator @holidayspirits
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whumper-boi · 3 years
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@whumpmasinjuly, prompt is “Sleep” 👹💅
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“Whumpee, Christ, you look like shit.” Caretaker pursed their lips, looking the flushed Whumpee up and down. “Are you feeling okay?”
They nodded, staggering slightly from the motion, something Caretaker didn’t miss. “I just didn’t sleep too well last night, that’s all.”
Whumpee’s voice was mumbled, weak, way too unlike them.
“You should have called in then. The buisness will run even if you’re gone for a day.”
They gave a crack-lipped grin. “Will it though? Gotta keep this place on its toes.” Caretaker didn’t find it too funny, and made that clear. Whumpee sighed. “Caretaker, seriously, I’ll be okay. I just need a cup of coffee and a minute.”
Caretaker wasn’t convinced, but ultimately ended up letting it go. “Fine. But let me go get you that cup.”
“You’re the best.”
They walked in opposite directions, Caretaker making their way to the breakroom to grab two mugs. They tried to tell themself to relax, but couldn’t help but feel like something was worse then it appeared.
They’d noticed in the last couple days the way Whumpee was dragging their feet more, slurring their words, they’d just looked more… exhausted. Caretaker asked once before, but Whumpee had shrugged it off and told them that they hadn’t gotten much sleep.
This was weird.
Before Caretaker could figure out a way to bring up the topic of their sleeping habits, there was a commotion in the other room.
“Holy shit, Whumpee!” They heard one of their coworkers yell. “Someone call an ambulance!”
They all but dropped the mug in their hand, running out to find worried faces crowded around an unconscious Whumpee.
Caretaker shoved their way forward, making their way to Whumpee. “Whumpee, fuck, what happened?” They pulled them into their lap, resting their head on their shoulder.
“I don’t know.” The same coworker who screamed said. “I was just walking their way and they looked awful, so I asked what was wrong and they,” Coworker motioned towards Whumpee.
“You idiot,” Caretaker whispered.
Medical help arrived shortly after, pulling Whumpee into an ambulance. One of the EMT’s asked if someone was riding, and Caretaker had quickly volunteered, though upon arrival they were forced into a waiting room as Whumpee was wheeled into another room.
“Caretaker?” Came a nurses voice almost an hour later. Caretaker jumped up, making their way over.
“Is everything alright? What happened?” They had to resist the urge to barrage the helpful nurse with questions, though was offered a empathetic smile.
The nurse looked at their clipboard. “Luckily for Whumpee, there’s nothing too major going on. Looks to just be a collapse from a mix of malnourishment, sleep deprivation, and… caffeine.”
Well they could’ve guessed the sleep deprivation, but they hadn’t been eating? “Oh.”
They nodded. “What’s your relation to Whumpee? I don’t mean to pry, I was just hoping we could find a possible reason as to why.”
“Ha, I was hoping you could tell me that. Er, I’m a close friend. We met several years ago, after I accidentally knocked them into a public fountain.”
The nurse nodded again, giving a small smile. “That’s cute. Did they happen to tell you about any history, mental illnesses, that you can think of?”
Caretaker pursed their lips and sighed. “No, Whumpee doesn’t really talk about their past.” All the memories they had were from since they met.
“Alright. Well they’re awake, and you’re welcome to go see them.” Caretaker thanked them, and (after asking for the room number) nearly ran to go find Whumpee.
When they arrived, Whumpee was hooked up to a machine, IV sticking out of their arm. They looked towards Caretaker, giving an embarrassed grin.
“Hi,” they muttered, eyes unable to meet Caretaker’s.
“Thank god you’re okay.” They closed the space between the door and the bed, pulling Whumpee into a tight hug. They briefly took note of the way they melted into it. “What happened?”
“Guess I didn’t get my coffee fast enough.” They grinned, but it didn’t quite reach their eyes.
“Mm, yeah, the nurse tells me that should actually slow your roll on the caffeine.” They nudged Whumpee’s hip to make them move, before sitting down. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“Caretaker-“
They stopped them. “Whumpee. You are my best friend. I just want to make sure you’re okay, and this,” they motioned to the hospital room, “is not you being okay.”
Whumpee bit their lip, looking down at their lap. They seemed to be contemplating, before; “are you sure? It’s- I don’t know if you’d want to, you know, deal with me afterwards, I just-“
Caretaker grabbed their hand, giving a small squeeze.
They sighed, then squeezed back. “Okay. Some time ago, before we met, I knew this person named Whumper.
“We we’re really close, actually, and they liked everything I did. It was like, love at first sight. Looking back now that should’ve been the first red flag, I think.”
“One day, they picked me up from home, and said they were going to take me somewhere, and blindfolded me. I thought we were going to go somewhere, fun, you know?” Whumpee’s voice cracked.
“All I know is, I woke up in a dark room, tied to a chair, and… god…” they broke off, choking on a sob.
Caretaker rubbed their back soothingly. “You don’t have to keep going if you don’t want.”
“It’s fine.” They wiped their eyes. “I’ll spare you the details of what happened, but I was there for almost a full year. A full fucking year.”
“The only reason I got out was ‘cause I managed to shove something in the lock from one of our last ‘sessions’.” Air quotes were used at the word.
“I ran home, to my parents. They didn’t fucking believe me, told me I did it to myself. How could I do all that to myself?!” They were freely crying now, and Caretaker listened, pulling them close.
“So I grabbed what I could, went as far as I could with what I had, and started over. It was okay for a little, but then came the nightmares, and the loneliness. God it was lonely. I was tired man, and I was actually planning to, you know…”
Caretaker pursed their lips. They didn’t know any of that about Whumpee, they always seemed so carefree.
Whumpee let out a wet chuckle. “I was on my way to do it, and here you come, head in the damn clouds, pushing me into a goddamn fountain.”
“The reason I haven’t been able to sleep is because of the nightmares. They’re coming back, and I don’t know what to do. So I figured, I’d avoid them. If I wasn’t sleep I wouldn’t feel them. You can see how well that went.”
Whumpee sighed, wiping at their face once more. “So there. My traumatic backstory.” They looked towards Caretaker, face falling.
Caretaker was stunned, they didn’t know how to feel, but Whumpee was turning away, shame burning on their features.
“Whumpee…”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, hey,” they held Whumpee’s face looking them dead in the eye. “I’m sorry that happened, and I will never leave you alone like that. You are my best friend.”
Whumpee looked down again. “But I-“
“I don’t care, I’ve already made it my problem. I love you Whumpee, and I’ll be here no matter what.”
Their eyes collected with tears again. “Thank you.”
Caretaker smiled. “Why don’t you come stay with me for a bit? I’ll watch over you. Don’t make that face, I’m not taking no for an answer.”
Whumpee rolled their eyes, but gratitude filled their expression. “If you insist your highness.”
“Good, you deserve to get some sleep.”
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wisteriadaisies · 2 years
Text
brought up to my therapist today about a comment she made like a month ago. she said “having your brain has to be exhausting” and when she said that i of course laughed, because self-deprecation, but later that day i ended up crying over it because i felt so seen.
this is so exhausting. so fucking exhausting. living with mental illness is no joke. living with constant anxiety, regardless of the varying levels, sucks. really fucking sucks. and being the only person who experiences my variation of anxiety is a lonely and isolating experience. and while it’s not something i think of often, this valid and understandable wave of sadness and realization it hits me sometimes.
my family is lovely, really. they are incredibly supportive and i am so fucking lucky to have them. of course, they aren’t perfect, but no one is. what i’m saying is my mental health struggles have nothing to do with them (well, maybe they enabled my anxiety more than they should have as a child but even then i don’t think it was detrimental, they were just trying their best) but damn, it feels like i mostly hear about what i’m doing wrong. it isn’t malicious, and it isn’t like every interaction is them berating me, i know they have good intentions and while that isn’t an excuse i think it’s important considering they are good parents and siblings. however, god damn some acknowledgment about how fucking hard living with mental illness would be nice? yes, they compliment me, but it makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward (low self esteem probs) but my therapist said although they compliment me, what i’m looking for is acknowledgement of my struggles and how i am able to do the things they compliment me for in spite of these struggles. and yeah, i’d like that. (and it can be so frustrating when i express my anxiety sometimes and my family goes ??? you have been doing so well!! which is nice i guess but is also invalidating af because i still struggle daily. i’m anxious 95% of the time. just because i am able to keep it all in and function externally doesn’t mean i am not constantly battling anxiety on the inside)
i’ll never be fully understood by everyone, and that’s okay. and i know sometimes my therapist may make an observation that isn’t accurate or whatever, but damn having her listening ear, validation, and support means the world to me. she doesn’t know fully what i individually experience but that’s okay. all we want is someone to listen and acknowledge the shit you are going through, right? (and not just that i’m just tired it’s 2am and i’m sick and can’t sleep so this may not be the best post but i want to post my rambling)
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jawritter · 4 years
Text
The Arrangement
Part 12
Summery: You are a young girl that was raised in a small church in Dallas, TX. One of the only churches left in the state that still practices arranged marriages. When your betrothed ran off to California you thought you'd escape the fate you were trained for ever since a small child. Now upon the death your parents your fate seemed to be inescapable as he's returned, and is ready to take you as his bride.
Book Warnings: Arranged marriage, loss of virginity, smut, unprotected sex, angst, language, suicide attempt, battles with anxiety, struggles with mental illness, age gap (about 11 years), I think that’s it, chapters will have warnings of their own!
Chapter Warnings: Heavy trigger warning!!! Suicide attempt!! Angst, caught in your own head, feelings of abandoment, depression, grief, this one is rough guys.
Word Count: 2377
A/N: This book is a book about Christian and church based arranged marriages, I would like to take this moment to say that I DO NOT have ANYTHING against the Chirstian faith, and mean absolutely no harm to anyone! Especially Jensen’s family! This is a complete work of fiction, and should be treated as such!
Beta’d by the amazing @deanwanddamons who was awesome enough to do all this for me! It was a lot of work, and she deserves all the praise for it!!
Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader
Want More? Check Out My Masterlist!!
***MASTERLIST***
***SERIES MASTERLIST***
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It had been three days since your fight with Jensen. 
When he slammed the bedroom door after you had slapped him, he got his keys, walked out the door, and did not come back. 
You didn't know where he'd gone.You didn't try to contact him . If the truth were told, you hadn't really moved from your spot in your now cold, and very lonely bed, unless absolutely necessary. 
The air around you hung in a deafening silence . Who the hell knew silence could be so loud?
You didn't bother turning on theTV.You hadn't bothered to eat, and only drank a little bit of water. You’dsurvive, it just wasn’t there anymore. 
You were too big of a coward to take your own life, though the thought had crossed your mind. 
If you were dead, Jensen wouldn't have to be burdened with you anymore. He could go back to what he wanted to do. Not like there would be anyone around to miss you anyway. 
Still, you were too big of a coward to 'pull the trigger'. So you just laid there, and prayed for death to find you on it's own. Prayed that you'd drift off to sleep, and never wake up again.
It didn't happen. 
Every morning you woke up to a fresh, and even deeper pain; and the realization that Jensen probably wasn't coming home.
Sitting up on the side of the bed, you stared around the room. It was so cold, but you didn't care. It matched how you felt on the inside. You had cried until you didn't have any tears left to cry. Until everything in and around you felt numb.
In most homes, you would walk through the house and see pictures of your wedding day, family, friends; even your parents' home had all those things. 
This place had none of that for you and Jensen. 
You would see kids toys scattered around in some homes. You and Jensen had no children together, and Danneel had  three of his. 
This house felt 'lived in'. All your things were there, along with his, but even though it was lived in, it wasn't a home.
It didn't hold the feeling of home the way your parents house had. There were no memories of times with friends, no family dinners, or holidays, nothing.
You had fooled yourself into thinking this marriage with Jensen was a real marriage. Was even  stupid enough to let yourself fall in love with him. 
Now you were staring reality straight in the face. You had nothing together. You just shared a bed and had sex on occasion. 
Getting out of bed, you dragged your way to the bathroom. Standing in front of the sink, you stared at the mirror. You didn't  recognize the woman that stood there, staring back at you. 
Her eyes almost looked sunk into her skull. She was pale, almost a chalk white color. Her eyes were red and swollen around the eyelids. Her lips were cracked and had been bleeding, probably from lack of food or water. Her hair was an absolute mess. 
She looked like a dead person that was to stupid to know they had died. So they were still standing there.
That's what you felt like. You felt like you had died, you weren't really there. You were living, but you weren't alive.
You died the moment he walked out of the door.
Every time you closed your eyes you saw the look on Jensen's face after you had slapped him. Before the guilt could really grip you, the picture of Danneel and him locked at the mouth would flash before your mind, and shot down the guilt.
For a moment anyway.
The eternal war continued to rage on inside of you as you made your way back to the bed, pulling the cold sheets back and crawling in. You closed your eyes and begged whatever God was listening, cause at this point you weren't even sure there was one, to just let you die this time. You couldn't handle another day like this. Another day of crippling heartache, and a loneliness on a scale you could have never imagined existed.
Jensen's POV:
Jensen sat on the back porch of Jared and Gen's house, more than a little drunk. At first when he left the house the day of their fight Jensen had been angrier than he'd ever been in his life. He told her he loved her and she literally slapped him in the face. 
That anger quickly turned to hurt. 
Rejection wasn't something he was used to. Most women threw themselves at him willingly. That wasn't really it either. What was the real slap in the face was that Y/N didn't trust him, and didn't believe him, not only when he told her he did nothing wrong, but also when he told her that he loved her. That’s the part that hurt the most.
No matter how angry he got, he couldn't deny the feelings he'd come to accept regarding his wife. 
He'd picked up the phone, looking down at it, almost willing it to ring. Nothing. So for the hundredth time he called. It rang and rang. Nothing, only voicemail.
Slamming the phone down on the table, pulled at his hair harshly before he downed the rest of the scotch in his hand. He was well on the way to drinking himself into passing out for the third night in a row. It was the only way he could sleep without seeing the hurt look on Y/N’s face when she looked up at him from the kitchen table that day.
Jensen heard Jared pull the chair away from the table  he was sitting at, and sit down next to him. He didn't bother looking at him, just continued to stare at the empty dark pool in front of him.
Jared didn't really care for Y/N. He always thought she was just using his friend for his money, but right now, looking at his best friend and watching him literally try to drink himself to death, he wished more than anything she'd call and ask him to come home. 
He may not like her, but Jensen obviously loved her, and he didn't like to see him this way. 
"Jensen, what if I send Gen over there, check on her, get a feel for things? You can't keep hiding out here drinking man. You gotta fix this."
"I don't want Gen going over there, and making this shit worse. She doesn't know you guys, and the last time she was here you didn't exactly go out of your way to make her feel welcomed." Jensen mumbled, alcohol loosening his tongue to the point he wasn't worried about sparing feelings.
"You’re right, I didn't, and I'm sorry for that. I was just looking out for you, but Jay, man, if you love her that much you're not going to be able to sit here, and drink this mess Danneel has created away. You filed a restraining order, and you have the paperwork to prove it. Go show it to Y/N. Prove to her that it wasn't what it looked like."
Taking a deep breath, Jensen nodded his head. "Okay, yeah I got paperwork now. Maybe she will see I really don't want anything to do with that bitch."
Jensen blinked hard, trying to hold back tears that threatened at the edges of his eyes. 
"I can't lose her Jar. I just can't."
Before he could finish the sentence, Jared had reached up and grabbed his friend, pulling him into a bone crushing hug. 
"Let's get you some coffee, and something to eat so you can sober up.Then you need to go home and make this shit right Jay, for her, but also for yourself."
Your POV:
Day four of Jensen being gone dawned early for you. 
You had woken up once again, much to your dismay. Trudging your way to the bathroom you felt utterly numb, everything in you felt numb, from your insides, working it's way out. You had hit your breaking point. Your body craved Jensen's contact like a dying person craved oxygen, and to be honest you were tired of feeling the way you were feeling.
Thoughts rolled through your mind without your consent. 
Was he with Danneel? Was he sleeping with her now? Did he just abandon you because he didn’t care about you anymore? Why didn’t he come home? Why is this all happening to you? Why couldn't’ you have just been more like her? Maybe then he would still be here. Maybe then he could have loved you, the way you loved him.
Ever since your parents passed away, there was nothing in this world left for you that loved you. The church had abandoned you, you had no friends, now you didn't even have Jensen. Walking to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom you searched through whatever you could find to numb the pain. There was nothing. Not even a fucking Advil.
How was it possible to hurt so much, yet be so damn numb? It didn’t even make sense.
Staggering back to the bedroom, you began to search through drawers and night stands. Maybe there was something left that would kill this headache stashed somewhere.
Finally you found your prize. A full bottle of adult Motrin. 100 tablets in all, seal not even broken. Looking at the bottle you turn it over in your hands, taking four of them at once.... Then the thought hit you.
'You’re  not good enough for Jensen. Do him a favor, down this whole bottle and go back to bed. Then you will be out of his way. No longer a burden, and out of your own miserable existence.' 
Standing there just turning the bottle over in your hands, you weighed up your opinions. 
Yeah you were way too chicken to literally shoot yourself. This though, this was easy. Just take the pills, go to sleep. 
Your heart ached in your chest. You could still hear the sound of your hand connecting with his face, the sound of the door slamming to the bedroom, then the front door. Everything you've been through, this was it. This was your limit. You wanted out. This was the only way.
Grabbing a bottle of water you start taking fistfuls of pills. You don't know how many you finally successfully swallowed, but you finally got it down to only a small amount of pills left in the bottle when you just couldn’t take anymore.
Grabbing his notebook from the bedside table, and a pen you wrote quickly. 
‘I'm so sorry I was a burden to you. You can go be free now. I did love you. I'm sorry you couldn't feel the same.’
Sitting it down next to the bed, you crawled back under the covers, and waited for sleep, or death to take you. There was no turning back now, not even if you wanted to. Grabbing your phone you quickly googled a picture of him. He was smiling, happy. It was before he met you. You were doing this for him. He deserved to be free of you. Free to be happy. The last thing you saw before your eyes closed was his beautiful face. That's the way you wanted it....
---------------------------------------------------
Jensen's POV:
Jensen wanted to come home last night.Only problem was, he couldn't sober up enough, and he knew coming home to try and make things right between the two of you while drunk wasn't the best idea; so he slept it off and took off for the house as soon as the sun came up. Even though he had a pounding headache, and his stomach was in knots he didn’t care, hangover be damned, he had to make this right between the two of you. He couldn’t take the distance anymore. 
His heart hammered in his chest the whole way  home.Something deep down inside of him screamed something was very wrong, but he shoved it off, doing all he could to convince himself everything was going to be okay. 
Pulling up into the driveway, he saw no lights on inside the house. 'She must still be sleeping.' he thought to himself. 
Slowly, he made his way out of the door of the car and up the driveway. No sound was coming from inside the house, no TV, nothing. Which was normal while people slept, but something just didn't sit right in him. Something was wrong. 
Slipping his key into the doorknob, he unlocked the door and took a step inside the house, closing the door quietly behind him.
The only light in the house was the light coming through the windows. Still,he could see everything was the same as he left it when he walked out of the front door four days ago. His heart started to hammer in his chest loud enough to pulse through his ears.
Walking through the kitchen, he could still see pots on the stove she had taken out that day to start dinner, empty, and untouched. Walking through the bottom floor she was nowhere to be found. 
"God please let her still be here." he said to himself as he started to climb the stairs towards the bedroom.
The silence in the house seemed so thick he could cut it with a knife. Something was wrong. Every fiber of his being was screaming it. His breath was coming in short, quick bursts. Fear gripped him in a way nothing ever had before. Reaching the landing, he opened the door to the master bedroom slowly.
The lights were off in the bedroom, but he could clearly see her figure outlined underneath the covers. For just a moment he took a deep sigh of relief. She was just asleep. 
Closing the door quietly, he walked over to the side of the bed. Her back was to him, the covers pulled up over to neck.  Standing there looking at her he internally kicked himself for not coming home to her sooner. 
Reaching his hand out he brushed the hair away from her face. "Y/N?"
Nothing. She must be really asleep. Putting his hand on her shoulder. He shook her in earnest how. "Y/N... Baby wake up.. We need to talk..." 
Nothing... 
Something wasn't right.
His heart started to hammer in his chest again. He felt like he was taking his breath through a straw. Shaking hard, he reached over and turned the lamp light on by the bed. 
The first thing he saw as the light flooded the room was his notepad open, and her handwriting that was on it. 
‘I'm so sorry I was a burden to you. You can go be free now. I did love you. I'm sorry you couldn't feel the same.’
At first his mind couldn't compute... Then it started to sink in. Panic grabbing him tight in his chest as he ripped the covers off her, shaking her hard. 
"Y/N! Wake up!! Come on baby, please!!"
Putting his head down by her face he could feel no breath coming from her body.
His heart seized up in his chest, shaking her lifeless body in his arms, screaming inaudibly. 
He couldn't take the thought that she was gone. It was all his fault, he left her here, he abandoned her, he was all she had, and she took her own life because of him. 
Grabbing his phone from his pocket,his eyes blurred as uncensored tears poured down his face. Every breath seemed to come out as a scream.
"911, what is your emergency?"
Jensen tried to make his voice work, but all that would come out was strangled noises and screams. He held her close to him, desperately trying to wake her up.
"Sir, please calm down.. What is your emergency? I can't help you if you won't calm down.."
Taking a deep breath he was finally  able to make his voice work in a noise that wasn't a scream.
"My wife.. Please send help. I can't wake her up. I think she's..." 
He couldn't finish the sentence. Throwing the phone down on the ground without hanging up, he pressed her body as close to his as he could, burying his face in her hair, begging her, God, and whoever would listen that she would wake up for him.
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thornsofdeath · 4 years
Text
phf rants
as i’ve made clear im rlly impacted by this book. dont mind my lowkey venting
damn this is long
mista's coldness towards fugo / the stadium scene as a whole
it really really hurt me to see mista treating fugo, his old partner, his old friend like a dangerous enemy. i know he had his valid reasoning, but that very specific kind of angst shatters me. mista had his gun pointed at fugo for the entire stadium scene, not wavering for even a second. the worst part? it seemed like mista was trying to purposefully incite fugo to snap by right out insulting him and his stand, saying he was glad when fugo didn’t get on the boat. it seemed like he was egging fugo on just so he had an excuse to kill him, to get one more thing off his list of concerns. fugo as a person meant nothing at all to mista. when mista said “kill these traitors, or we’ll kill you” i wanted to cry. mista goes on about hoe fugo is a massive threat because purple haze is unhinged and can wipe out the enitre population if he wanted. fugo politely corrects him, as PH only has 6 capsules and can only attack 6 times in a day. did i see myself in that scene and feel fugo’s pain of just wanting to be left alone and not have to think about the past or the future, silent and melancholic during intervention and just feeling like the only way out is to kms right then and there? thats a secret ill never tell.  phf makes me smad.
there were some little details in purple haze feedback that got me thinking as well. in the 6 months between fugo’s leave and his cold reuniting with mista, fugo was playing piano at a bar. Most of the people who bring this up refer to it as just some cool trick he could get because he’s a rich kid. he is not. in flashbacks, it’s shown that bruno only knows how to cope with distress by isolating himself and bottling everything up. god, did i feel that. sheila e’s life goal was to kill illuso (to avenge her sister) and swore her life to giorno after finding out he killed him, it’s ironic though because in reality fugo had killed him, and in the first part of the book, they weren’t exactly friends. 
another part that really just made me wanna sob and bash my head into a wall was seeing fugo’s pure self hatred. since he was a child, he had it drilled into his head that if he couldnt produce results, he was worthless. after being disowned and thrown into jail with no future, he was completely hopeless. even after bruno came and took him in, he was never free of his liabilities. no matter what he did, he couldnt help seeing himself as some monster, failure, and burden. (kinnie moment) it worsened when he had to abandon bruno’s gang, his only saving grace was bruno, his light, hope, and acceptance. now he was stripped of that, gripped in fear knowing too well that betraying passione would end horribly. deep in his heart he wanted so badly to join them, to join his found family, but the logic he had drilled into his own head of knowing that betrayal was foolish and futile wouldnt let him have his way. hes back on the streets, just like how he was (or wouldve been after getting out of jail) after being disowned. he got a piano gig at a bar, and let himself wallow in grief and depression for 6 months. throughout the events pf PHF, we still see him clinging to memories and trauma. they say “what you let consume you will define you”, and i couldnt begin to describe it any better. putting all of the guilt and blame on his own shoulders, feeling he deserved it all and more. 
either i wasnt paying enough attention (this bitch got some rereading to do) or the purple haze distortion scene was kinda underwhelming. his character arc felt kinda rushed, like most of the book was establishing his bad state and constant flashbacks, and then all of a sudden he has confidence in his abilities and believes in himself. of course, im overjoyed he did get growth, and had a happy ending (depends on how you interpret it). stan fugio
vittorio’s fascination with pain really got me feelin. hgghhhhhhhh hh hnnhhhhh. he describes it well, wanting to feel his life force/energy in the form of pain so that he didnt ‘go extinct’, and the writing of it just saying straight up ‘cutting himself’ ‘hurting himself’ ‘self harming’ made my skin crawl. as someone who suffers with shit like that its both painful and relieving to know a character who has similar habits, whether it’s for the purpose of activating his stand or just to cope. 
2 times in phf, fugo does some kind of suicide attack. of course, he survives both. it’s never made clear whether or not he intended to die/didnt mind dying as it was a way of accomplishing his mission, but either way it got me heavy breathing. the last one especially, when he bites a virus capsule to kill volpe. did he know he’d grown and purple haze would miraculously save him with his own genius plan, or was he going out with a bang? luckily for me it wasnt really gone over like ‘hey you couldve died from that are you doing ok mentally’ or else i mightve felt nauseous reading it. im all for angst, but idk how much more i can take when its day 87 of quarantine and im numb as fuck just waiting to break down. 
angelica’s stand night bird flying (is probably not that complicated im just fuckin dumb) made fugo and everyone else hallucinate/dream. in fugo’s dream, it was pretty much an ideal au.  he was permitted to see his grandma when she was near death (preventing the professor scene), met bruno (fisher boy with fisher dad) on a boat and they became friends, nara went back to school and was doing good overall, abba remained a cop but didnt do any bad things, the whole group was all just good friends having a fun time. god i would licherally sell my body and soul for them all to be happy like that and all live. 
the concept of abandonment also messed me up, just the feeling that everyone say fugo as someone who abandoned the group in their hour of need out of selfishness made me wanna cry angry sad depression tears. hes a good man! let him be ok and happy i will fight all fugo haters no cap
every time i think back to the fugio restaurant scene i just. idk man it hurts me. the pessimistic bitch in me says that it would be unrequited and fugo would only be more sad because even through his efforts, he’s just another pawn working for giorno. on the other hand, it makes me soft n giddy because?? omyfucking god giorno asks fugo to call him giogio when NOBODY ELSE IN THE BOOK had referred to him as that. the fuckin “if grief anchors your feet, let me share it” part makes me wanna jusyt. complete my kin transformation into fugo and be a sobbin g  shaking mess in his arms as he tells me its all gonna be ok. was that a vent? absolutely. anyways, its pretty damn special for the don of the mafia to invite you to breakfast at a fancy restaurant before the place opens and its just the two of you. giorno fixes fugo’s injuries and tells him that he’s proud of his growth, and that he knew fugo could do it. dude?????? if i didnt already know i was a lonely affection/affirmation/attention starved bitch that wouldve done it for me.
holy fuck that was longer than i expected it to be. i do feel better tho
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tylerwritez · 3 years
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Tuesday, june 22 2021
I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.
Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.
He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.
Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...
Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.
One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube
Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.
Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.
It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.
Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.
Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)
I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.
I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good
Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....
Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces
Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.
In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.
Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.
The time is 3:22 p.m.
Wish me. Luck.
Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.
I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.
But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.
XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.
Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!
Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend
A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!
Also I might eat her out XD
Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.
I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.
Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....
Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home
Oh wait no now we r goin home
Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.
I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?
Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.
Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.
Yeah I'm cheesy.
I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.
I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.
Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.
Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.
I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...
I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.
If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.
Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol
Anwyays I'm fucked up
You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?
Convoluted? Is that the word?
Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"
I do Suspect things, though.
I can make a list
Maybe I shouldn't.
Maybe I will.
I shouldnt.
Whatever.
I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.
I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.
My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.
I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...
And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.
That's also the CEN.
I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.
Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.
Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough
My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.
And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."
Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.
Because I'm not used to that...
Because CEN
I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.
I should kill myself.
I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.
I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.
I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.
DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...
Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?
Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.
But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.
I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.
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ktspree13 · 4 years
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Surf & Turf pt. 2
Warnings: brief mentions of cutting, small allusion to suicide, domestic violence, mention of murder, illness, concussion, mention of pedophilia, underage characters Word Count: 1,486 Summary: AU inspired by commission for @slamncram by @juls-art and a prompt on the thorki discord server. Prompt: slow burn surfer thor au where loki is spending the summer with laufey and his family at like. their summer home.  and they’re pieces of shit yk.  and he just hangs out at the beach all sad and alone and he sees thor, watches him because it’s pretty interesting and thor keeps catching him peeking.  starting up a summer romance and then trying to figure out a way to keep it going past august. ________________________________________________________________
He was sitting on a bench at the boardwalk, staring out at the beach when it happened again.  The mind-numbing pain followed by throwing up the entire contents of his stomach into the trashcan next to him.  Then came the piercing ringing in his ears and a tilt to the world before he curled up on the sand and passed out for a few minutes.  
The first few times it happened, there were people surrounding him, wanting to take him to the hospital, wanting to call the police, but he’d learned how to hide, how to manage.  
That day on the beach, he’d come home with puke on his shirt and Laufey had beat his head in.  When he was almost sent to the hospital the next day, returning to that damn Winnebago empty handed, his father hadn’t been much happier, slamming Loki into the metal shell of the RV, forcing him to sleep outside in the sandy dirt.  Not that he had such great accommodations inside…
It hadn’t been much better the past two weeks.  He walked around in a fog most days, had an episode like this one every so often.  
This time, when he woke up, Thor was sitting on the bench and he thought his life was over.
His stomach lurched again as he coughed bile up, weakly.  He tried to get his body to move, to flee, but he was just so tired and uncoordinated right now.  He’d been too tired to cut, even, since he’d met Thor, and most days that felt like a lifeline.
“Hey, easy.”  Thor had his hands up again, like he was in the wrong here.  Trying to be non-threatening, Loki guessed.  “I really think you need some help, Loki.”
“Mmm fine,” he mumbled.  “Tired.”  Loki coughed, trying to clear the awful taste from his mouth.  He’d gotten some of the bile on his shirt and would probably catch crap again.  “...Dad’s being shirt again.”  He wrinkled his brow.  Something in that sentence wasn’t right, but it hurt to figure out what.
“You aren’t fine,” Thor growled, lowly, like he was mad at him, a stranger, but trying not to be obvious about it.  “I think you might have a concussion.”
Loki laid there at Thor’s feet for a few more minutes.  It was a weird, tense silence.  “What’s it to you?” he asked, wiping his face from the bile and tears.  The headaches got to painful sometimes.  “I stole your wallet.”  He felt like he should point out the obvious.
“I gave it to you,” Thor sighed.  Loki could hear him take a deep breath before letting it out slowly, like he was trying to calm himself down, like Loki’s response made him so upset he had to work to respond.
“I fuckin’ stole it you pussy,” he shot back.  “Just forget my face, Thor.  Forget me.  I’m only supposed to slip in and out of here.  We’re leaving when the tourist season is over.”  He was probably revealing way more than he should.  “Grow a pair and let me go,” he groaned, working to sit up.
The sun was sweltering today.  He should’ve found a drinking fountain awhile ago.  Stolen a few wallets by now.  He shouldn’t be talking with blond surf gods who wanted to help him.  Thor put a bottle of water down in the sand next to him.  It was dripping in sweat, just like he probably should be.
He ignored it for a little while, but the longer Thor sat there, pointedly not leaving, the longer that water sat there crying, wore him down.  His eyes welled up, stinging as he wiped them again, his dirty long sleeve clinging to his scars.  He snatched up the water, struggling with the cap for a moment before he pried it open.
“Just go slow.”
He couldn’t help it.  When the cool liquid hit his tongue, he gulped it down, drinking faster and faster until he could feel it getting torn from his hands.
“Jeezus, Loki!”  Thor held the refreshing elixir out of his reach as he sat there, panting.  “I said go slow, or you’ll throw it all up.”  He watched Thor’s throat bob as he swallowed.  Noted the way he bit his lip staring down at Loki.
“Are you some kind of pedo?” he shot at Thor.  The blond stared back with a look of shock and revulsion on his face.
“Why would you even say that?”
“Because it’s true!  Some 20 year old playing savior to a minor—”  Loki coughed, stomach roiling a little.  Ok, maybe Thor had been right.  “Trying to fuck some tight young ass is more like it.  He steals, he won’t narc.  No one would miss him…”  Loki coughed again, throwing up a little of the water.  Thor was silent.
For a long time neither of them spoke.  But Thor did hand the water back, and Loki drank much slower, moving to sit on the bench, finally, stare out at the ocean again.
“Am I right?”  He was almost afraid of the answer.  He mostly didn’t want it to be yes.  He surprised himself by wishing Thor was actually just a good guy.
“I’m only 17.”
“How much cash you got?”  He took another sip.  “I might let y—”
“You’re sick, Loki.  You need a doctor.  I would never take advantage of you like that.”
He watched as Thor swiped a thumb over his eye.  He felt a little guilty.  He’d actually made the jolly green giant cry.
He leaned his head on Thor’s shoulder, letting himself believe for just a moment that he had a real brother in this world.  Someone to look out for him and take care of him.  A real home.  That he’d just done some kind of suicide jog with Thor and he was resting on the beach with him.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, feeling Thor’s arm wrap around him.
“I’ve watched you all summer,” Thor confessed.  “Even when it was hard to find you.”
Loki took another drink, staring out at the water.  It really was a beautiful place.
“You don’t have to go back, you know.  I have a hideout you can stay at.  A buddy of mine built it when we were young.  It’s secluded, fully stocked.  No one would find you if you didn’t want them to.  Or you could come to my place.  My parents would be ok with it.  My mom could take a look at your head.  Or I could take you to the hospital...”
He let Thor talk himself out.  It was a new feeling for him, someone wanting to help and not seeming to want anything in return.  Strange.  The last person to do that was his mother.  And Laufey had beat the hell out of her before she died…  Hence the Winnebago.
“What do you want Thor?” he sighed.  He was just so tired.  And hungry.  He drank more of the water, slowly. “I just want you to be safe, to not have to live like this, to—”
“Why me?  Do you do this for all the street urchins?”
“Well, no—”
“Then why me?  What do you want?”  He sat up, staring over at Thor with a fire in his eyes.  He needed to know.  He needed to know what strings were attached, because he didn’t want the rug pulled out from under him.
“I like you, ok?”  Thor blushed, like he was ashamed of himself.  “Maybe I should pay better attention.  Maybe I should be helping more people like you.  I don’t know.  But I saw you.  And I wanted to help.”  He sat there, like a dejected kid who just learned Santa Claus wasn’t real.  Sad, pathetic, lost.  And Loki had to believe him a little…
He finished the water.  “How much cash do you have?” he asked, still feeling that fog inside his head.  “If you got a few hundred the bastard might not beat me tonight.”
Thor handed over a brand new wallet.  He could tell pretty quickly that there was more than a few hundred inside.  It also contained a key and an address.  Loki wanted to cry in that moment.  He couldn’t go right away.  He still had his things in the Winnebago.  The lone photo album he’d kept hidden all those years.  The only photos he had of his mom, and him.  The few times he was happy.  He didn’t want to leave it behind.  One last night and maybe he’d leave for good.
Thor handed him a bottle of gatorade.  He hated the stuff, but...electrolytes, he guessed.  He sipped on the sugary beverage as Thor handed him a sandwich, too.  “How do you drink this stuff?” he asked, scrunching up his nose in distaste.
“Open cap, pour in mouth, swallow.”  Thor grinned, mimicking drinking for Loki.
“Asshole,” he rolled his eyes.  But for the first time in a long while, he smiled.
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What Happens in Prison stays in Prison - George Mendez x Reader
Chapter 1 - Cant risk it.
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It has been only a month since I arrived at Litchfield, luckily sharing a room with Demarco when I arrived gave me the opportunity to enter Reds family. Of course, I'm not as close to Red as maybe Nicky, Norma or Morrelo, but I still have a family and people who care about me, that's something to be happy about while being in here.
"Davis!" I could actually feel my eyes rolling as I heard that voice yelling my name. Pornstache. "Yes, sir?" I asked with big eyes trying to act as innocent as possible. "Why the fuck aren't you working?" Swinging my legs over the bed and unplugging the one earphone I reply with a snarky "Because my shift is over, so I am relaxing." "You know if you ever want to relax and have a good time, you can always come ask me for some help." He smirked, making his mustache lift up, resulting in the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. Not glorifying him with a response, I grabbed my toilet paper and walked straight past him. I could feel his eyes following me as I walked away, still with that stupid smirk on his face. I know he can be a dick to the other inmates, but he has never actually tried anything with me. He is all talk and no bite, with me that is, the only thing he does is make dirty jokes, that's it.  
All the other girls think I am crazy for conversing with him or encouraging him, but I really think hes lonely, doesn't have a girlfriend on the outside, has nobody to have a real conversation with. Hence, the flirting, the jokes and even the sex with the girls. I probably feel the same way, hence the encouraging. 
But damn, those green eyes get me every time. I actively try not to look at him in the eye, to avoid falling into those green pools. Maybe I am going insane. I cant really look at him in the eye anyway since he is like 3 m taller than me. This place has really turned me crazy, here I am, thinking of Pornstache instead of thinking of peeing which is what I left him for in the first place. Red would have me killed if she knew what went on inside my head. Those two really go at each others throats, and I cant risk being kicked out of the family. 
I cant really risk anyone from the family finding out about my thoughts about Mendez, the mainly Norma, that lady doesn't talk but man can she snitch to Red. I think this as I pass Norma on the way out of the bathroom. "Yo, Davis!" Nickys voice echoes down the halls, receiving a glare from C.O Bell. "Nichols." I sigh, turning around to face the big haired girl. "I, uh, saw Pornstache giving you a hard time in the bunks over there. You know if he causes problems for you, you can talk to Red. The family can help make sure he doesn't do anything to you." She warns in a low voice, I give out a reassuring laugh, "Thanks Nicky, but really its okay. It doesn't bother me that much, besides I know he wont try anything, and if God forbid he does, I can handle it, you don't need to worry." Nicky gives me a some-what annoyed face, "Look, do what you want. But, just remember if you keep on encouraging him, Red will eventually find out, and when Red finds out, a whole lot of shit will be upon you. And if he does something, you cannot come crying to me, asking if someone can cut his dick off or whatever." I let out a loud laugh, getting another glare from C.O Bell. First of all, I'm not encouraging him, and second of all, I promise Ill be careful, nothing bad will happen. She raises her eyebrows and walks away.
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kingsboroaurora · 4 years
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Discord Thread | Berora
FT. Aurora & Beth ( @bethanyrob94 )
DATE: August 23rd, 2020
SUMMARY: Aurora comes over to Beth’s place to have a serious talk with her. She confesses that she has feelings for her and asks if they want to make things official. Rora receives an answer she isn’t expecting and feels like her heart got ripped out of her chest.
TRIGGERS: mentions of bipolar disorder, mental illness, and PAIN
It was pretty obvious at the point that Beth really, really liked Aurora. She wanted to date her. God, she wanted to date her so bad. But she was so terrified of relationships at this point. She just had so many thoughts going through her bad and such a negative experience with her last relationship she never really thought she’d be ready for one...ever. At least not right now. Beth was freshly showered after work and had her favorite pair of comfy Lulu Lemons on. Her and Aurora were sat across from each other on Beth’s couch. She liked having Aurora’s company, especially since Ellie moved out. Her tiny apartment had been more lonely than ever lately. Aurora always brightened her day. “I completely agree....I mean I could pick apart the symbolism in that book all day.” She mused, dipping a California roll in soy sauce and tossing it in her mouth with the chop sticks. “Have you practiced using chopsticks since I taught you?” She chuckled.
Each and every time that Aurora and Beth would hang out, they only seemed to get closer and overall more comfortable with one another. The other had asked if she wanted to spend her evening with her and she said yes without any hesitation. Sitting on her couch, she ate the takeout they had ordered and she was enjoying this time with her. “You know, I actually have! Here let me show you and you can tell me if I’ve improved at all,” she let out a chuckle as she grabbed for her chopsticks and went to grab another piece of sushi.
“hey there you go!” She exclaimed with a laugh. That was so endearing and overall just really fucking cute. Beth actually taught her something, and aurora cared enough to practice it. Beth was probably overthinking the fact aurora bothered to learn that because Beth was the one that taught her. “Impressive.” She joked, looking over at the blonde and smiling when their eyes met.
"See, I'm getting there," she pointed out, finishing the roll and swallowing it. God, sushi had became one of her favorite things to order for take out. It was light and she was about to mix and match the different kinds of rolls she might want to try out. It was nice that Beth also had such a strong liking to sushi, the two had so much in common. "Thank you, thank you. How has your week been by the way?" she asked her.
Beth looked down at her food when her crush asked her how her week was. "Fine." She began. "Honestly, good. Like...New York has been so good to me. I haven't been this happy in a while. I'm close with my sister, I'm going to be an aunt soon, I have a really good job, and..." She paused and looked up at the blonde. "I obviously really like spending time with you." She said shyly. She gave her a quick smile then looked back down at her food because now she was blushing. Dammit.
”I’m so happy that things are going well for you, Beth. You deserve it and deserve to be happy,” she replied with a nod of her head. Beth was something she had gotten close to in a rather short amount of time but somebody she already cared so deeply for. “That feeling is mutual, but I think you already know that,” she gushed out. Aurora, just ask her already she thought to herself. Just do it. Of course she knew she enjoyed being around her, no shit.
Beth flushed. Hearing Rora saw all of those amazing things about her - like how she deserved to be happy and the blonde liked spending time with her. It just made her heart flutter. Beth reached out to grab her hand and squeezed it lightly. Bethany leaned in to give Aurora a soft, yet passionate kiss. She brought her free hand up to cup the back of her neck and pull her in closer. She pulled away after a moment. "Sorry." She mumbled. "You just looked so damn cute I couldn't help it." She mused.
Aurora hadn't been expecting Beth to kiss her with that much passion, but it was a sweet surprise. The blonde accepted the embrace, closing her eyes just for a moment to enjoy it. "Oh god, don't say sorry to me," she let out a giggle. "You're a good kisser and I think I'll always appreciate that."
Her look of embarrassment turned to one of joy when she told her that she was a good kisser. Bethany giggled along with her for a brief moment until a flip switched. "Yeah?" She said, a tiny smirk growing on her face. "I could kiss you again, if you wanted." She said with big, pleading, brown eyes.
"You know what?" Aurora raised a brow, a playful smirk forming on her lips. She was liking where this was headed. "I wouldn't be opposed to that, at all," she added on, drawing closer to her once more. The blonde tucked a piece of the other hair behind her ear, looking into Beth's eyes.
Beth blinked several times when her brown eyes met the younger’s blues. She smiled, trying to keep herself from blushing a rosy shade of pink. She bit down on her bottom lip before placing another kiss on the other woman’s lips, this tone with more passion. Her hand found the woman’s waist to bring her in a little closer.
Aurora let Beth deepen the kiss, feeling her arms wrap around her waist as she pulled her in closer. She was about to get lost in the moment when she realized she hadn’t gone over to her place to make out. As much as she just wanted to do that, her actual goal was to have an honest chat with her. Do the thing she’s been putting off for so long. Pulling away, she smiled at Beth. “I’ve, uh, been meaning to ask you something...,” she muttered out.
God, this was really what Beth was dreading. She knew this was coming soon, and she knew exactly what this question was going to be. And yes, she wanted to be auroras girlfriend so fucking bad. She was just perfect for Bethany. Literally everything the brunette could ever want in a partner. The Canadian pulled away and cleared her throat as she sat back. “Yeah?” She asked, hesitantly.
Aurora took a deep breath. She had been waiting for what seemed like a million years to ask this, even though the two of them had only known one another for a few months. The blonde knew that she just needed to rip the bandage off and fucking ask her, so that is what she was going to do. “Look, I really like you. Like, so much. I was wondering if you maybe....wanted things to become official between us?” She asked. God, it was now out there in the open.
Beth actually blushed when the blonde asked her that question, even though she knew it was coming. She was still taken so off guard. She just didn’t expect herself to feel this way; so excited, so full. Things felt so right with Aurora. More right than any relationship she’d ever been in. Say yes, Beth. Smiling, the physical therapist opened her mouth to speak. “Y — um...” Her smiled suddenly faded. “I mean...” She hesitated as he’d heart fell into her stomach and she felt like she was going to vomit. “I don’t think I’d be a good girlfriend. Like...I’m still having a hard time...my ex...he...” she couldn’t form a complete sentence and her anxiety was getting the best of her.
Aurora was only expecting Beth to be hesitant when asked such a huge question. She had opened up to her about some of her past relationships and how she was still trying to heal from them. The last thing she wanted to do was pressure the other to do something she wasn’t ready for. Yet, she felt her heart dropping to her as Beth started to talk. “Um,” she stuttered a bit. “Are you not ready?” She asked.
Beth’s heart literally fell into her stomach. She really fucking liked Aurora, and genuinely didn’t want anyone else. They were cut from the same stone and Beth felt like she could understand Aurora without her even having to speak. There was never a time where she was around the younger when she wasn’t smiling. Until now at least.”Rora...” She began, putting her feet on the floor and facing forward. She hunger her head. “I really like you. But my ex fucked me up so bad.” She admitted, blinking several times. She took a deep breathe. “And I haven’t told you this, but I have bipolar disorder. And i really struggle with it. And i have anxiety and depression which I’m sure you could’ve guessed by now.” She rarely told anyone this information. There was really only one other person in Kingsboro that new that about her, and it was Ellie. “I’d be a really awful girlfriend. And I know I’ve opened up to you a lot. And I trust you. But I don’t know when I’ll be ready for a relationship. I’m just...he honestly traumatized the fuck out of me and I don’t think I’ll be able to be a good girlfriend.” She admitted, finally looking over at the teacher.
This conversation sure wasn't getting easier. While Aurora was appreciating Bethany's honesty, it still hurt getting a response like this. Ava, Alison, and anybody else in her life that she had spoken to about her potential relationship with the other girl had reassured her that everything would be fine. That only an idiot would say no to someone like her. Yet there she was, in the midst of being rejected. Feeling her throat close up, it was almost like she couldn't speak. "I," she muttered out. "I....should probably go," she shook her head, trying her hardest not to cry. God, this was so hard.
Beth just wanted to curl up in a hole and stay there forever. Dark, alone and where no one could ever find her. She was on the verge of fucking tears as Aurora got up to leave her apartment. She brought her legs into her chest and held the tightly, laying her forehead between her knees. She took a deep breath. “Okay. I’m sorry.” She her voice was muffled because she couldn’t look up. She’d cry if she did. She was so mad. SO mad. Her ex had really fucked yo her chances of ever being happy again. She wasn’t going to stop Aurora from leaving. She knew if she stayed things would only get worse. “I’m really sorry.” She repeated. She felt like she had completely lead the younger on; told her how much she liked her, liked being around and loved kissing her. What a tease, Beth. She probably hates you now.
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polygamyff · 4 years
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38.
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I have been putting this off, but I need to do it, my birthday is literally around the corner and I cannot put this off anymore. Maurice is better, he has taken on what the doctor has said. He has been spending time at home, he hasn’t gone out to be honest, but I know he is better, he is eating so that is good. He has his personality back but he remains with that hair and that god forsaken beard, I swear to god I would force him but he said he is waiting until the wedding day, I don’t know why but he said he wants to wait. He looks a damn mess but I need to go to California, I need to tell my family face to face, I have so much to do and being here is not helping because I have to go back to California but then Maurice is ok but he needs me, I am stressing out because I want to say it to him, I have been wanting to say it to him a few days ago but then I don’t “I need to do this” I said to myself, let me do it now I have to do it because then it’s my birthday and I will be getting married and my family will hate me. Making my way out of the bedroom, I can hear from here. I just can’t get over how much Reign adores her dad, like he talks so much shit and she just loves it, I think from out of this situation I can take away from this is how much they have bonded even more. Walking around the corner “I think Reign, in these situations you’re going to have to accept there may be someone else around, this tension between you both it can’t happen. It really cannot, I am trying here Reign. I am but you need to be nice” my smile grew, I don’t know what the better gift was, the ring or the cheap ass bear. He has got my daughter and that bear facing each other “you’re looking at me like a piece of shit Reign, I just don’t think it’s nice. Poor boo thang, she is minding her own business and you placed her ear in your mouth, no dear lady. You can’t do that” Maurice looked over at me and just smiled at me “Mi Amor, are we going to be nicer?” Reign looked at Maurice, Reign gurgled and then let out the sweetest little giggle “aww baby, you are the most precious little lady, I am joking. Come here” he picked her up and placed her on his lap “you done harassing her about that bear?” sitting down on the couch “we have our daily chats Robyn, I want her to learn from her papa kindness. I am trying” shaking my head laughing “sure, anyways. We need to talk” Maurice let out an oh “yes, oh” Maurice doesn’t look happy already.
I don’t know why I find this hard; I think it is because I don’t wish to leave him alone just yet “so I need to go back to California and quick Maurice, I haven’t told my family anything. I have not left much time, I have been putting it off because I don’t want to leave you alone so that is why but baby, I need to go and tell them, I need to prepare. I have no dress, or anything” I can see the mood change, he got so sad as he put his head down looking at Reign’ hair “her hair is better” he changed the subject “Maurice, please listen to me” he lifted his head up, he is sad “I don’t want you to go because then I got nobody here, I have had the worst and best time ever. I have always felt this way, but I hate you being away from me, just makes me feel lonely as fuck like I got nobody again, I don’t want that feeling to come back. It stresses me out, I miss my daughter, I miss you. You both are the only ones around, I don’t want nobody, I just want my family around. It stresses me out” he ranted on “you felt like this but never said anything, why?” I didn’t think he felt like that “I didn’t want to stress you out and then make it seem like I am clingy as fuck, you know but I don’t want you to go, but then you do. You know, I love you both” I sighed out “then come with me, you can come with me to California” Maurice seems to not want to leave this hotel, this place to be honest “your dad hates me, I just cause issues” shaking my head “it’s got nothing to do with him, I didn’t think you felt this way, I want you to come with me. I can’t leave you behind now I know this. I don’t want you to stress out either” the elevator doors opened; I do hate that to be honest “didn’t you cut it off?” I questioned Maurice “I did” looking behind me “what the fuck? It’s been weeks!” Shawn spat, I don’t think Shawn is the man he wants to see so I cringed.
Maurice is not happy, I can tell by his face “wow, the hell happened to you? Maurice, wow, you look bad, I mean really bad” frowning at Shawn “he’s better than he was thank you Shawn, he’s come a long way and I said he doesn’t want to see anybody” I just don’t want the arguments between these two “I know but I missed him, like I really have and I was concerned but I’ve seen you skinny but wow, why the hair and beard?” I’m going to stay out of this, it’s best this way “when you going to tell me about my sister?” He said it now, Shawn made his way around the couch “you knew?” Taking in a deep breath “what don’t I know Shawn? I’m not stupid so don’t act like I am, why? Why my sister? All these years” getting up from the couch, let me take Reign and leave because it’s not my place or business to stay “I will just be in the bedroom” picking Reign out of Maurice’ arms “because I like her, I didn’t think that. Look it just happened, we ended up in bed and it happened. Then we decided to you know try it, we happy” I am walking so slowly, like very slowly to the bedroom but they can’t see me now “does she know that you also can’t keep your hands to yourself? She’s not pissed you off yet? Because you touch my sister I will come for you” I’m not gonna leave, I’m gonna stay here now “that was the past, she was hitting me” Maurice sniggered “she hit you to stop you, you told me the truth why lie! You beat her so bad she lost the baby, the baby you didn’t want and then your dad paid her off. And then again with them girls in the hotel! You can’t take a woman being dominant and my sister is not quiet. You can’t keep your hands to yourself and you think I’m going to allow you to be with my sister? You ain’t perfect bro, no you ain’t. Everyone thinks you the cute blue eyed Shawn, you a fucking liar! Fucking liar! You really pissed me off with this, I know your past like you do mines. People think I’m bad, but you? Oh you’re worse than me. You got issues, you say I have because of my dad but it’s you, you do. You don’t get with my sister Shawn, I don’t want you with her” oh wow, Shawn is bad very bad “that was me then, I lose my temper, I’m working on it. I wanted to come here and tell you I’m with your sister, but you want to drag up my past” Shawn said “past? Shawn that incident with those girls happened three years ago, I don’t get you. You’re perfect but then you’re not, you forced them girls to have sex with you and themselves. Look I just want you to stop, end it or walk away Shawn, go” my eyes widened seeing Shawn storm off, oh this is not good and I feel sick to hear that.
Do I go to the bedroom or go back “you can come back!” Maurice shouted, I froze midway thinking on how awkward this is “ok” I said, my voice crooked a little, I mean he knew I never left “I wasn’t snooping” so I say, walking back into the living area “I didn’t hear the door close” Maurice looked over at me “do I look bad, why did he react that way?” he is acting like he didn’t just say what he said to Shawn “you just look skinny, that is it. You look fine Maurice” laying Reign down on her playmat, let her play for a while “what did Shawn do? I mean Maurice, he could be a changed man?” walking around the coffee table and sitting on the ouch “I don’t know what issues he has with women, but when he is drunk, he is not good. I mean, maybe it’s because he is short as fuck and he feels like he needs to show these girls, but he does it all of the time. His dad bails him out, pays these girls off. You know when you say businessmen are fucking weird and we get what we want? Remember?” nodding my head “well Shawn has that, he got money, so he lures these women to the room, they go because he is good looking. They always come out crying, he wants them to do shit and he’s rough or whatever. I asked him and he said you get what money can buy; I don’t want that for my sister. So anyways, he is fucking with this girl and he gets her pregnant, she wants to keep it so they get into a fight. He beat her so bad; it was bad Robyn. People think I am the bad guy, I am nothing. He is just a rich man that is fucking on what he can, you know?” Maurice shook his head “wow, I feel sick. I didn’t think it” Maurice laughed “why would you, sweet blue-eyed Shawn. But back to us, I don’t want you to go but you do” he is sad, I can’t leave him “Maurice, listen to me. You are coming with me, ok? We are going, not just me. But the friendship you both have, what happens?” I don’t get it “we still friends, he knows that. He is my brother, but he just got me angry, I just think he knows what he is like, he can’t help himself. He will fuck on her, he doesn’t love her” he knows his friend “ok but what if he does, Maurice she could be the one? Just think on it while I pack ok. We need to go” I just need to get back to Cali and sort my life out.
Maurice has a snapback, plus a hoodie and shades. He doesn’t want a single person to see him, I think he looks ok but then again I love him either way he is because he is my man, we left from the back of the hotel again “I don’t want to invade on your family, they don’t like me” Maurice keeps saying that “it’s my dad Maurice, nobody else. Stop saying that, I want you with me. I never knew you felt that way about me leaving you, I don’t want you stressed out and make yourself ill, I am here for you Maurice. Through thick and thin ok?” I don’t want him to think I don’t love him because I do, he is my everything “thank you” he mumbled “don’t say thank you either, goofy. So did you think about what I said? About Shawn?” I questioned “nope, but I never told you that my dad said about the home, to put it against the business, so I just did it and added it to the business and I got it. I paid it all off” my eyes bulged out “what!?” I spat “what home!?” what is he on “the home I showed you, I just did it and we got a home. It’s done now” my chest “Maurice, that is sixty-seven million? Million! What are you on?” he doesn’t seem fazed by it “and it’s paid Robyn, done. It’s ours” I am shook “Maurice, I can’t do it. What are you doing?” he is so calm about it “you’re going to love it” I am shook, I can’t even speak “but Maurice, that is millions. Are you not shocked!? And they paid it just like that? What?” Maurice laughed “I am a billionaire Robyn, and that is our forever home. That will be our family home now, and when I put it through I detailed the reason why and it’s legit, it makes the business better with me close by so it all works out” I can’t accept this “Maurice, I don’t believe it. I really don’t, sorry” Maurice shrugged, I do believe him, but I am in disbelief.
Maurice seems a little anxious, it’s been a while for him “take your backpack and get on the jet, I will get Reign. Honestly go” I want him too; he doesn’t need to wait around. The SUV door opened “go, I am coming” I think it didn’t help with Shawn’ reaction to him but it’s just his weight and then the hair which he promised he will shave when we get married, I think he looks just fine. Picking Reign’ car seat out, I swear I am going to break a nail with this “can you just hold her” I said to the driver “of course” he took the car seat from me, picking my bag from the seat and getting out of the SUV “thank you” taking the car seat from him, making my towards the jet. I love that he has a jet, look how quick and easy we get a jet, just like that because it’s his and it is here “afternoon” the pilot smiled at me “hi” making my way up the steps, Maurice ran up these steps “I’ve not been well, I know, I don’t look good” turning the corner and seeing Maurice speaking to his flight attendant “I know, I thought so because I haven’t been working at all, just waiting around. Well I am happy you are ok, no matter how you look, you look ok” Maurice smiled at her “is she still asleep?” Maurice asked, nodding my head “she is, that is peace for us” placing the seat on the table.
I am a little sad, I am sad that I didn’t think Maurice felt that way about me being away from him. If I didn’t make this decision, I would have killed this man, the stress would have killed him “are we staying at the hotel when we get to Cali?” furrowing my eyebrows “erm no, staying at my parents home Maurice. And so are you” I wouldn’t be doing that at all unless my parents throw out Maurice “Maurice, you can get annoyed with me but what do men get out of doing that to women, I mean like making women have sex or making girls to girl on girl action, what do men get out of it? Business men are weird, I stick by that” Maurice scratched his cheek, his hairy ass face “you need to moisturize your face, look at this” licking my thumb and reaching over, rubbing my thumb over the spot of dry skin “you need a facial, don’t worry, I will give it but tell me” I just don’t get why Shawn would need to do that “uhm well it’s all about power, I liked the feeling of being high but that was because I was numbing my pain, my illness was a big thing that pushed me to it, and then my dad and everything but I got hooked. I see why they would like to do it, it’s the power of money. They love control, I mean before you I did. I think with Shawn he likes to make sure these girls knew he had money, he had power and if he wanted, he could make you eat her pussy. It’s just being hungry for power knowing daddy will bail you out, I can at times have an attitude and you have said it to me but that is because my mind is on business but it is because business men love the chase and love power” I sighed out “I am sad to hear that about Shawn, like I didn’t think” shaking my head “but he’s been the best friend to me, I love him. But he has his own issues” he clearly does, I am not sure if I do support this now.
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kastartss · 5 years
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I really need help with my mental health condition, please take your time to read my story (if you are willing to only)
Here’s an introduction. Hey, my (not real) name is Kat. I’m 14 (yes, I know, a literal fetus) and I’m from Vietnam.
Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety, and honestly, I was not surprised. But then the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have had it for almost my entire life, and I have only been around for 14 years. I felt my social anxiety kick in when I was about in year one in primary school. I remember how bubbly I was of a toddler, always waving and saying hi to adults in my neighborhood. But then I went to school and things changed. I got 2 close friends, let’s call them A and P. I hung out with them, but before I had those two friends, I never recall being in a place without friends. In kindergarten, as far as I could remember, I have many friends. So when I go to school for the first time, I didn’t have close friends. I was still bubbly at the time, talking to kids in my class, but in break time, I have no one to talk with. Even after I got A and P as my friends, sometimes they would gang up on me and I would have total breakdowns and sitting alone, feeling betrayed because no one likes me.
I think that's when I started being less of an exuberant child. I noticed that I have stopped waving to adults, I became more terrified of being around strangers or performing on stage (which was a thing I did all the time in kindergarten). And as time goes on, I develop the fear of trivial things, getting worried every time I go on a trip or holiday (eg. fear that the plane will crash, fear that there would be tsunami at the beach, etc.) or having existential crisis or death related worries. And then when I reach grade four, I got my first crush, I spent all night crying because wow, new emotion unlocked. He’s this sporty boy, sitting next to me in classes, and guess what? He had a crush on my then best friend. I slowly realize, when I reach secondary school, that I am less valuable than many. 
On the second week of sixth grade (secondary school), I had a mental breakdown and I stayed in the bathroom for the entire English lit lesson. The teachers found me, but I couldn’t explain why I ran away. I found it too embarrassing. I ran away because every seats next to a girl is taken and I would’ve had to sit next to this big, scary boy. I didn't know why I felt that way, why I panicked over such a small and stupid thing, but that night I went home, told my mom school’s fine, and found a knife to just end myself.
But of course I didn’t. I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of seeing the life leaving my body. And I remember my mom telling me my life is the most important thing I have.
The reason I’m afraid of getting hurt is pretty damn simple: my mom hit me all the time as a kid. I’m not traumatized by it. But do I cry at night, getting upset and guilty about the things I did to deserve it? Yes, yes I did. But did I think much of it or find ways to stop getting hit? No, no I didn't. I got hit all the time for lying, for not obeying, for being lazy. But my mom really loves me, she does. She yelled at me, she slapped me, she threw books at my face, humiliated me sometimes in public, and hit me with broomsticks and clothes hangers because she said “she wanted the best for me”. She wanted me to change for the better but haha jokes on her, the more she hit me the more stubborn I get. And so update: I’m still getting hit by her for doing shits recently. I have questioned if it’s abusive or not, because I know she got anger issues and she said that herself, to not let her get angry. But in my country, getting hit by your moms is like a casual thing. It’s like depression jokes, we joke about our fucked up mental health and in my place we joke about getting hit my our moms. It's too common that I don't know if it’s abusive or not anymore, that’s one thing I need help on.
Back to the main story. So sixth grade is the time I start feeling conscious about my body. I’m gonna bluntly say this: my body is disproportionally fat. It was as a kid, and it still is now. My legs and arms are normal, not too skinny, but normal, but my body, the torso and chest area, oh boy, that's where all the fat is. If my body fat is spread out evenly, I wouldn’t have complained, it would be beautiful. But despite how much I tried, the fat would only be in that area, and I look ugly in everything. I got self conscious when we did a movie project, I got self conscious when I have to wear stage costumes, and I start acknowledging that I’m not the popular girl. I don't get why girls my age use lipstick and make up, and how they have money to buy expensive clothes. I was naïve, and I wanted to be like them: popular and valued by people. I was the wallflower, no one knows me except my few friends and I don't expect them to. I started developing a mindset that no one remembers me, and I’m insignificant. 
Grade seven, I changed school. And it’s when I found out about fandoms. I liked Harry Potter, and I wrote some fanfictions that one of my friends encourage me to post it on Wattpad, so I did. That’s when I made internet friends, and I got exploited to issues like lgbtqa+, pop culture, and mental health. One of my internet friends, let’s call her W, is queer and got depression. That’s when I started digging deep in these issues, learning about mental health and how to help people with them. And that’s when I start realizing I may have a mental health problem. W attempted suicide last year, in 2017. Fortunately, she survived. I had spent many nights texting her out of it, cheering her up, and the more I’m around her, the more I discover about myself.
This year, I’ve learnt things about myself that I would've had no idea about two years ago. I identify as bisexual, and thinking about a year ago, I still thought being gay is unfortunate. In my country, same sex marriage is legal, but is not very welcomed by the people and is considered a touchy subject. Many consider it an illness and pity people whom identify as such. Generally, no one really cares until it’s their children. My mom didn't like it. She thinks it’s a phase (classic.) and being bi would bring disadvantages to my life (she’s very wrong I daresay it’s literally 20gayteen and two women from the Bachelor Vietnam just ditched the guy for each other???) and that makes me doubt if my mom is ever right (she’s very convincing in most situations, unfortunately). 
I also learnt about my anxiety, like I noted. Two weeks ago, I seek help from the school counselor after being tempted to kill myself out of pure self hate. I have had extreme self hate for the last month but I thought it’s normal. One event that lead to me thinking this way is that one fight I had with my parents that my mom threatened to jump off the window to die and to leave the house forever, she said how terrible I am and I felt like being slapped across the face being it just hit me then: I am terrible. When I was younger I thought people don't like me because im ugly and I really wanted them to like me for my personality. But then the fight happen and I found out: im ugly both inside and outside. That’s when I started to lose hope, my grades (which was going bad before) got worse and when I got a bad result for maths finals, I got devastated and got a panic attack. I climbed to the tallest floor in my school building and lie there, falling asleep and let my mind shut down. My plan was to jump off the building and end my life but the door to outside was locked so I just curled up there and cry. I got found two hours later, and the teachers told me absolute bullshit because my country is absolutely obsolete about mental health. 
It just got worse and worse since March. My mom says I should stop being lazy, stop procrastinating, be more productive and I hate being at home, because my mom use my bedroom as her workplace and I have no privacy. I have to face my mom all day in summer, and that drove me crazy. Even when I had the chance to go to England for a month for summer camp, I still feel insignificant and lonely when I stare at the crowds being happy. My anxiety is super clear, but oh boy how funny I was. 
I thought I was faking it. I thought all of this is me wanting people to pity me, so I have to fake my anxiety and depression. Most of the times I look up for symptoms of depression and anxiety, I hope those symptoms match. Because I wanna be right, I don't wanna be an attention seeker, I want something to blame for my behaviors. 
All the tests I took for depression tell me I have severe depression. But some days I don't feel down or anything. I just felt fine, and deep down I feel guilty for not caring, because does this mean i’m faking my mental illness oh my god. I have a girlfriend. We broke up once, and now we are talking again. She’s in America and we only can text each other, but I don't feel like im ever good enough for her. All I feel is self hate and unworthiness. 
This is the thing I want you guys to help me about: Do I really have these mental illnesses? Am I making it up? Am I just paranoid and crave attention?
The thing that makes me doubting myself is the fact that around me, many kids are raised like me. Being hit my their moms, have the same education, but they’re not depressed. they don't have social anxiety. They’re doing alright. So I’m afraid this is because I got myself into this myself by going on the internet and reading about gay shits and befriend depressing people and got this myself. I’m afraid I’m making this up to be relevant. 
Please help me with this, or just reblog to help me find an answer. I’m so sorry I’m wasting your time. But please, I need to find myself. I don't want to feel suicidal again.
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marvellovegalore · 6 years
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Erik the Wise.
Erik Stevens/Killmonger.
Requested Imagine: Can I have an erik x reader where the Reader is in a really bad space and is hating everything about herself and her life, but has hidden it from Erik out of shame, but one day he comes over and sees her pain and is determined to show her the love she deserves. - Hope you like this Anon x
Note: Send in your imagines if you want lovelies. Again, your compliments are the most lovely and heartwarming thing ever, no one has ever complimented me like this and you are all the sweetest - thank you so much for enjoying the previous imagine.
Warning: Strong Language, Sexual Content, Low self-esteem/suicidal mentions
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Placing her keys one the bowl by the door she sighs, she leans against the closed door and tries to suppress the tears in her eyes. She breathes slowly and rubs her forehead.
“You’re home.” Erik appears in front of her suddenly. Only a towel wrapped around his waist. His torso glistening with water.
“Yeah, hi,” she walks by him to the kitchen.
“Hi?” He gasps, “Is that all you gonna say, ‘Hi’?” He chuckles in disbelief.
She nods, picking out a water bottle in the fridge.
“Not a ‘Hey baby I missed you!’ type of shit?” He approaches her scratching his back.
She closes the fridge door. “Fine.” She sighs, opening her bottle, “Hey baby, I missed you.” She takes a sip from her bottle and closes it, placing it on the counter.
“But I ain’t liking that attitude.” He tries to kiss her cheek, but she moves away. He scoffs but she’s already out of the kitchen.
He follows her until she reaches the bedroom and closes the door in his face. He lets his fist fall against the door, confusion riddling him at his girlfriend’s sudden attitude. “Aye, what’s up?” He yells through the door. He bangs on the door but she doesn’t respond. “Y/N, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Just fuck off Erik,” she murmurs loudly enough for him to hear, but he has to strain his ears as her voice is muffled. He tries to pull the handle down but she’s locked it. “Erik just go away - I’m on my period.”
He kisses his teeth, “Damn, if it was just that, that’s all you had to tell me. Let me in to get my clothes, then.” He waits for her to open the door, clutching his towel around his waist.
She opens the door silently and lets him in, she stands behind the door as he enters. Erik picks up his clothes from her bed, dries himself, and begins dressing.
“You not even gonna let a man cream,” he chuckles as she goes into her bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. “Huh, Y/N, you gonna let me go out there all ashy and shit?” He almost giggles but her lack of response takes all the humour out of him. He sighs, “So you just gon’ leave me talking to myself?”
“No, Erik,” she huffs out taking off her earrings, “I’m just waiting for a moment to respond.” Her voice is lazy and morose, but Erik can’t figure out why.
He frowns and takes his jacket from her hanger on the door. “Well, I better bounce, got shit to do anyway.” He blows her a kiss and walks out of her apartment.
She runs out of her bathroom and watches him close the door. The floodgates she was battling to keep closed open suddenly. She drops to the floor, the weight of her insecurities taking all the oxygen in her lungs.
She sobs as she clutches her stomach, hating the feeling of her stomach. She wishes she could rip fat after fat from her body and just feel skin and bone.
She rolls over onto her stomach and shoves her face into the carpet, a small feeling inside of her encourages her to just smash her skull against the floor hard enough to just take her out of this body and end her stupid existence. She whines into the wet patch under her face.
One tear that falls from eyes signifies the drink she spilt on her boss this morning; the next tear is the dress that she put on that didn’t zip up completely; the third is the tear for the way she just treated her boyfriend.
She bites her lip, causing her to choke on a sob. “Fuck!” She whines to herself. She slaps her forehead and hyperventilates with the onslaught of tears that leave her.
She stands slowly, her trembling legs barely holding her up. She stumbles to her front door and locks it slowly. She sits at the door and looks around at her lonely apartment and more tears fall onto her cheeks. A silent stream of salty water.
The persistent ringing of her phone startles her out of her comatose sleep. The first thing that she notices is the door of her apartment.
She slept on the floor and her body sticks slightly to the hardwood floor of the open living room. She yawns and lifts herself up - cracking her bones as she moves.
Her body is stiff making her walk to her bedroom sluggish.
Retrieving her vibrating phone in her bathroom wakes her up more as she watches Erik’s name on the phone screen. She lets it ring and lays down on her bed, dropping the ringing phone beside her.
The ringing stops and she picks up her phone, her notification wall is full of messages and calls from Erik and some friends. But mostly Erik - twenty two missed calls and over twenty messages.
The messages range from him telling her that he’ll be over in the morning to him almost cussing her out for not answering. She shuts her eyes and sighs.
She would prefer to not feel anything anymore and just be swallowed into a hole where her existence will cease and she’ll finally not have to deal with herself.
She stands again, suddenly feeling restless and goes to her bathroom. She picks her toothbrush, lining toothpaste on it. She begins brushing her teeth and glances at herself in the mirror. Her eyes are sunken and small bags hang under her eyes, her skin is dry and marked with some signs to show she just spent the night on her floor. She diverts her eyes away from the mirror, refusing to look at herself. She’s too ugly even for her own eyes.
Halfway through brushing, a rhythmic and loud pounding at her door startles her. It continues as she tries to ignore it by closing her bathroom door.
Her phone starts ringing again on her bed, that and the knocking on the door almost drive her insane. She continues to brush her teeth - feigning ignorance to the commotion around her.
The ringing stops and so does the knocking.
She sighs in relief, somewhat happy she won’t have to deal with Erik so early in the morning. She continues to brush her teeth in the static silence.
“Aye, why you ain’t answer the phone or the door?” He barges into her bathroom suddenly.
She shrieks in shock and jumps on her counter with her eyes wide like a deer in headlights. “Oh my god,” She clutches her chest, “Stop breaking into my apartment like that. God.”
“I ain’t God, but that’s okay.” He enters the bathroom completely, his large build taking up a lot of the space in the small bathroom. “What’s going on with you, seriously?” He moves to stand in front of her and she looks down.
She spits out and washes her toothbrush, “Nothing.” Her absent shrug irritates Erik more than he already is.
“Now, Y/N, don’t tell me ‘nothing’ and then when I try and be nice or touch you later you go ape-shit on me.” He lifts her face with his finger and thumb, “The fuck’s wrong with you?”
She shrugs again, “I said nothing. And I mean that.” She jumps down from the counter but Erik keeps her pinched between him and the counter.
“What’s wrong?” A menacing look takes over his face causing her to gulp. “Tell me.” He grabs her arms and keeps her skin against his.
“I just don’t feel well.” Her voice is tiny and makes Erik scared, he’s so used to her being vocal and always sorting things out for herself.
He sighs and hugs her, “I can tell, but I ain’t stupid it ain’t just that. I rang you all night, I texted you, your friends called me about you - how do they have my number?” He questions slowly. “But that’s not for now. And you slept with your uniform on - which you never do.” He sighs before speaking again, “What’s wrong?” His soft tone finally cracks her.
“I hate myself.” She whispers against his shoulder.
He hugs her tighter and kisses her cheek.
“I feel like crap, I hate my life - I want nothing more than to just disappear from here and be no where.” The feelings she expresses lift almost a tonne worth of weight off her chest, but it transfers to Erik and he feels like crap himself.
“Damn, come.” He pulls her gently under his arm and he walks them to her bed. He sits her down on the bed and takes off her shirt, he throws it down on the floor and proceeds to take off her skirt and and tights. He picks her up slightly and puts her in her bed. “Call work and tell them you’re ill. Cause you are and I ain’t letting you leave the house until you’re at least a bit better.” He points his finger at her and takes off his jacket.
She smiles and picks up her phone. She dials the number and Erik takes off his own clothes and lays down as she talks to whoever’s on the other side of the call. “Okay thank you very much, bye.” She puts her phone down and crawls into bed. Her eyes shift up to look up at the ceiling.
He watches as some slow and tiny tears slip from her eyes.
His heart cracks slightly and he hugs her into him. “Cry it out baby,” he hugs her tight and kisses her temple. His hands roam the small of her back as she whimpers into him.
“I just feel so ugly and tired lately and everyday feels like running on treadmill.” She huffs out and scratches the back of her neck.
He kisses her again, “Tiring and monotonous.” He interjects for her, looking into her sunken eyes. “I understand.”
She nods and moves her her face to the crook of his neck. “I’m sorry for yesterday, I was stressed.”
He shakes his head, leaning his cheek against hers. “Nah, forget that.” He strokes her back slowly. “Just tell me, when did you start feeling like this?”
A small sigh leaves her mouth, “A couple of months ago.”
He nods and purses his lips. “Is there any particular reason for this?”
She shakes her head, her hands tucking into Erik’s pants.
“Well, what we can begin with is making understand that you’re enough.” His voice is low, to keep his words just between them. “More than enough.” His finger draws an incomprehensible tattoo on her shoulder blade. “You should know that I feel like I’m not enough for you.”
“Rubbish.” she dismisses his admission immediately, with a scoff.
He chuckles slightly, “Nah, it’s true. You thought you was gonna get with a guy that’s an honourable intelligence officer, only to find out I’m a borderline terrorist and I’m honest about it. And you, you’re so strong and so courageous. You may have your internal scars but you’re able to work past that and be an outstanding person.”
She scoffs and sniffles, “Aw, baby,” but she breaks out into a small giggle. “So what does that say about me for being with a borderline terrorist?”
“That your taking a chance on your boy. It mustn’t just be the bomb dick, but something else with it.” He shrugs.
She laughs, baring all her teeth. “Shut up.” She removes herself from his neck and kisses his chin.
“It shows that your compassionate.” He says after savouring the feeling of her lips on his skin. “That you’re a girl that has empathy and you didn’t just assume that I’m some mindless psychopath on a suicide mission.” He quiets down again, making sure that only they can hear his words. “But I understand that you don’t really agree with my methods but you don’t mention it.”
“Only when you’re not hurt.” She admits.
He rolls his eyes. “And your body, god your body is heavenly.” He kisses her neck and she giggles, feeling ticklish.
“Stop,” she bats his arm but he persists, leaving small, sloppy kisses on her skin.
“All your bumps and curves make you sexier than anyone else. Regardless of whether the magazines or Instagram like it or not.” Her face feels hot, as he completely undresses her with his eyes. “Don’t ever forget that, okay. I don’t want to have you crying here by yourself ever again. I don’t want to have to call you and not have the phone picked up cause you wasn’t in the mood to talk. You keep your head up and everyone that disrespects you or makes you have a bad day - just send them my way.” He urges her.
She breathes out in defeat, but giggles at his serious face. “Okay,” she whispers.
He grins and pecks her on the lips. “You ain’t actually on your period, are you?” He raises his eyebrow in question.
She shakes her head with a knowing grin.
He smirks and practically jumps on top of her with all his force. She caresses the scars that adorn his pectorals with muted curiosity. She kisses him - a silent thank you to her boyfriend. She pulls down his boxers and strokes him fast.
He groans into her neck as he bites her. He grabs her hands and rips off her knickers in seconds, and thrust inside of her with some force.
She cries out and scratches his back. Feeling his smooth skin and massaging it, as he explores her walls and marks his territory on her neck. His hand moves to her bum cheek and he grips it and pulls at it. He kisses her, taking her breath away as he pounded into her with a melange of aggression and gentility. She grips his short dreads in her hands and pulls at them. He moans as her own lips attack his neck.
“Oh fuck,” he groans quietly into her ear as he speeds up. His thrusts become sloppy as they both feel their peaks approaching. He moves his hand to her pearl, making her scream out as he draws patterns on her.
Her juices spill out onto him and he follows her soon. He leans on her, panting and soft moans escaping him. “Don’t doubt yourself ever again, ‘kay, mama?” He pants.
She grins and kisses him. “Thank you.”
I have to write a happier imagine/one shot soon - request, love and Wakanda Forever x
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strife-and-discord · 6 years
Text
Small Allies
Read on AO3 here
Characters: Aizawa Shouta, Todoroki Shouto
Summary: Aizawa has been turned into a teenager by a villain’s quirk. Until the issue is resolved the adults decided to put him with Class 1A. Unfortunately, teen Aizawa is a lot more vulnerable then he is as an adult and he gets a bit overwhelmed... until someone unexpected comes to save him.
A/N: Uh hey! Long time no see, I’m back with one of the most common tropes known to man but this idea was just too cute not too do.
This story is unrelated to my other one, this is just some wholesome bonding between characters I think share a lot of similarities.
I also decided to try shorter paragraphs, tell me what you think! I hope this story manages to brighten someone’s day like it did mine!
This situation was less than ideal.
It was also stupid. What kind of quirk is turning your opponents into teenagers! That’s gotta be one of the weirdest things Shouta’s ever encountered and never would he have thought it would cause him this much damn trouble. Nonetheless, here Shouta is, in a body he can’t say he missed. He forgot how perpetually uncomfortable it was being 15.
Despite still having all his memories and years of experience, being a teenager means that all the decisions are being left up to the adults. They- with their fancy, fully matured brains- came to the genius conclusion that Shouta should just stay with class-1A until either the quirk wears off or someone figures out how to change Shouta back. Shouta, personally, voted that everybody should just mind their own damn and let him go home to rest up in peace.
Alas, apparently Shouta’s plan was “ridiculous” and considered “a security risk to himself”. This is how Shouta finds himself gazing after the sauce at the other end of the table with numerous rowdy teenagers between him and it. He’d try and ask for it but he genuinely didn’t think he’d be heard and, well, class-1A seem a lot more intimidating given his current stature.
Shouta resigns himself to a bland, sauceless meal and sets himself a goal of just getting away from all this mayhem as soon as possible. Another forgotten discomfort Shouta had forgotten from his childhood was just how overwhelming everything could be sometimes. While this hadn’t gone away as an adult, it was certainly much easier to manage.
Right now he couldn’t help but feel like his students were trying upset him. Shouta makes his way out of the dining area and curls up on one of the living room lounges. Shouta knows the kids don’t really have any ill will towards him- despite how much of a hardass he can be in class- they really are just a very energetic group of kids. This is only exaggerated by the fact that it’s the end of the day, they’re all packed under one roof, and they’re completely unsupervised.
He’d leave if he could but he doesn’t really have anywhere to go. He was told he has to stay with the class so he doesn’t get into trouble and, considering he doesn’t have a room, he would probably be sleeping on the lounge anyway. At the very least someone could have given him his sleeping bag, his students would probably leave him alone than out of habit. What he wouldn’t give to just curl up and go to sleep right now.
With dinner and clean up all done, everyone starts to make their way to the living room, much to Shouta’s chagrin. How could these kids possibly have so much to talk about? Even as a teenager, Shouta was a man of few words. He just didn’t see the purpose in mindless chatter, not that that ever stopped his friends back then. When Shouta finally tunes into the conversation, it’s to Kaminari and Jirou arguing about what they should watch for movie night.
That gives him a sliver hope, movies are something you’re supposed to watch in silence right? Although, Shouta doubts class-1A’s ability to anything quietly and at this point just being around so many people is upsetting. Shouta tries to curl in on himself further, praying no one notices him and tries to engage. God, Shouta wishes so badly he was allowed to go back to his nice, lonely apartment, where it was quiet and he had his cats and his sleeping bag.
Suddenly the smell of popcorn washes over him as Mina returns with a full bowl. Shouta hides his grimace into the lounge, it’s not that he doesn’t like popcorn, but when he’s as worked up as he is right now the smell just makes him nauseous. Shouta takes several deep breaths in through his mouth and out through his nose in an attempt to forget the overpowering smell, with littleeffect.
Shouta resorted to just doing his best to just disappear. He curls up so tight it’s uncomfortable and squeezes his eyes shut just to try and shut everything out. He refuses to let himself cry in front of his students but damn if the idea isn’t tempting him at the moment. It’s all just too much, too much, and he wants to make the whole world stop for just a few minutes until he can come back to himself.
Suddenly, something taps Shouta on the shoulder. As a pro hero, he’s ashamed to say nearly jumped out of his skin and barely managed not yelp out loud. When he turns to see who the hell had snuck up on him he’s greeted by Todoroki’s face only inches from his. Shouta imagines he looks something like a startled cat when jerks his head back into the couch at the site before him.
Todoroki seems completely unperturbed at Shouta’s reaction, tilting his head curiously as he continues to look Shouta straight in the eye. After a moment of just staring, all Todoroki gives him is a gesture to follow him before heading to the dormitory exit. When he gets there he turns back to Shouta, once again staring at him with expectation.
For a second, all Shouta can do is sit and ponder just how fucking weird this kid is, before deciding that he can’t get in trouble for leaving if it’s with another student. If anything goes wrong he’ll just pin it on Todoroki, Shouta’s sure he won’t mind. Too much.
Shouta scrambles, but by the time he’s off the lounge, Todoroki is already making his way out the door. He almost runs to catch up but that would draw the attention of the other students. Calmly and quietly, Shouta leaves the dorm, closing the door quietly behind him. Class-1A is easily distracted, so the chances of them noticing the disappearance of him and Todoroki are low.
Reaching the hallway, Shouta looks around for any signs of where Todoroki ran off to, he finds him standing at the end of the hall, once again staring Shouta down. Before heading to him, Shouta considers the fact that this feels like he’s being lured into a murder trap. Regardless, Shouta sets off towards his possible doom. Like last time, as soon as he starts walking, Todoroki moves on as well in another direction.
The journey continues on like this and Shouta can’t help but be reminded of a video game he played as a kid that made the player do something a bit like this. Although he doubts Todoroki is going to lead him to a magic sword, the situation is still one of the stranger ones that Shouta has been in. Is Todoroki always this weird and cryptic?
When Todoroki leads him up the rooftop access staircase, Shouta’s starting to get pretty nervous. Todoroki’s aware he’s still his teacher right? He’s not going to participate in anything against the rules. God this is all so creepy. Shouta wishes Todoroki had at least walked with him so he didn’t have to go up the dark staircase alone.
He’s at least pleased to find Todoroki waiting for him at the top of the staircase, not running off this time. When Shouta reaches the door to the roof, Todoroki just looks at him before wordlessly going through the door. Shouta has to brace himself before doing the same, hoping he’s not about to enter into Narnia or a murder trap.
What Shouta finds on the roof almost seems less likely than either of his guesses. Right in the middle of the roof, between the two tall towers of the UA dorms, is a fort. Like a pillow fort that kids make in their lounge room. It’s not very fancy, just a mattress with some sort of pole and a couple of chairs as the support and a huge blanket as the roof. It looks fucking cozy as shit.
Todoroki just walks straight up and tucks himself in like it’s a completely normal thing to have a secret fort on the roof of your dorm. Shouta absolutely wants to join him but right now he’s too shocked to move, after a few seconds, Todoroki pokes his head out and says his first words of the night.
“Are you gonna join me or what?”
Shouta doesn’t really know how to respond to that, so he just does as Todoroki says and goes to join him in the fort. On the inside, he sees that there are a few pillows, some… comics? And a gaming device? Shouta wouldn’t have thought Todoroki would be into such things.
Once he’s settled onto the mattress, Todoroki grabs one of the pillows and starts rummaging around in the pillowcase, in the next second he’s holding a Kit Kat out to Shouta.
“Do you want something to eat?” Todoroki says it so deadpan that Shouta can’t help but take a second to appreciate how surreal all of this is.
“Sure,” he responds, figuring a Kit Kat would be nice after the flavourless dinner he was subjected too.
For a while they just sit, like that, munching on their respective Kit Kats. After a minute or so Shouta starts to appreciate how peaceful it is. He can see all the stars clearly, he’s warm in the fort, and it’s nearly silent up here. He’s feeling a hundred times better then he was just a few minutes ago down in the dorm living room.
Shouta swallows his last bite of Kit Kat, “Why did you bring me up here? I’m still your teacher, you could get in trouble for having all this.”
It’s the one thing that’s still bothering him about all this.
Todoroki munches on his Kit Kat, looking like he’s pondering the question. “I suppose I could get in trouble, but you looked like you needed help. I think that’s more important.”
Shouta stares at him for a second before turning to look at the stars. The simple kindness of it all, in Shouta’s more vulnerable current state, is making him emotional. He feels a surge of pride and, for maybe the first time, he thinks he must be doing something right teaching his kids. It could just be Todoroki, but Shouta can’t help but wonder how such a genuine kid could be raised by someone like Endeavour.
After their short exchange, the pair just sat together in silence. Todoroki got out a blanket from somewhere to spread over them, and Shouta fell asleep along the way. It was everything Shouta had wanted. A little while later, Todoroki woke Shouta up to tell him it was nearly time for curfew, and they should head back down now.
As they walked down the stairs side by side, Shouta took a moment just to say,
“Thank you, Todoroki.”
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