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#like idk my whole identity sometimes feels like just a back and forth with my own brain
itsbinghebitch · 8 months
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ok so here’s the tea
this is gonna be about build and the whole shitshow of last week. consider it more of a public diary entry on my part.
i want to preface this with saying i really regret my anger outburst. i think it’s a really complicated situation and it lacked a lot of tact on my part to insult other fans no matter how angry i was feeling in that moment. i consider myself a thoughtful person but idk sometimes i deal with severe mood swings that i can’t control which. yeah, that doesn’t excuse attacking other people. and yeah even if i perceived homophobia/bigoted attitudes in the fandom, i recognize that i there are fans who are really going through a hard time right now and painting their moral dilemma as ‘excusing homophobia’ is not helpful. 
i totally get that. i believe there can be productive conversations in this fandom. on the other hand, i don’t believe it was right for people to outright block me and alienate me when i expressed that, as a queer person, i cannot tolerate emerging attitudes in the fandom that excuse what build has said as simply manipulation on poi’s part. it’s a very difficult issue, because on the one hand you have the toxic/abusive relationship he clearly was in, and on the other you have an individual that has an enormous amount of growth to do, and an individual we all don’t know personally at that. it is, at the end of the day, a projection. who you think build is depends on your own experiences and philosophy on abuse, rehabilitation, nature vs nurture... so on and so forth.
it’s really heartbreaking to say, i’ve had so much trouble writing any vegaspete fic for a while now because however much i want to stick to the characters and not the actors, a little voice in my brain always reminds me of the whole build dilemma. and while before there might have been plausible deniability, that build had been wronged on so many fronts, now i can’t help but think of the comments he made on bible’s appearance. like did he think bible was ugly when filming with him. did he have bigoted/homophobic views as he was making vegaspete a reality, etc. 
so that’s where i’m at folks. i might be able to dispassionately discuss this issue, still engage with kpts for its narrative merits, love vegaspete for what it has meant to me for over a year. but at a gut level, i can’t help it. i am an INFJ cancer moon bitch which means i make judgments with my third eye or pussy or something and i believe that’s a feature rather than a moral flaw.
i will always find sympathy for other marginalized people in fandom. i really hope your time here has been a respite, however brief, from the general shittiness of everything (at least that’s what kpts fandom has been for me). but i think the moment fandom subsumes your identity in any way, the moment you start judging emerging fandom topics as ‘us vs. them,’ you really have to take a step back and ask yourself what the real issue is.
is the real underlying issue the fandom or is it the overall lack of transparency from the person we’re debating? is it some rando on the other side of the world in a forum of 200 people or is it celebrity culture, which is opaque by design? is it social media, meant to maintain your interest, endlessly tweet, endlessly consume, keep the money making machine going with just one small nudge? with just a few well-placed hashtags? with its slot game mechanism and gambling level addictiveness and constant abstraction of real people? what is that is *really* making me angry? 
because i don’t believe it’s another fan who, just like me, is trying to make it through today. that’s what i think. and that’s why i choose to step back and redirect my anger to the people with real power in this world. and that’s what i urge everyone to do when the going gets too crazy. 
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clotpolesonly · 7 months
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tagged by @exhuastedpigeon!!! <3
rules: How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic? -10 -> very dissuaded  0 - don’t care either way  +10 -> very enticed  nope -> if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged.  Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it’s conditional.
Age gap: -2
it's not that i have a particular objection to it on a moral/ethical level or anything, it's just generally not my preferred vibe
Codependency: 5
it is not healthy and that's what makes it entertaining XD
Obsession/Possessiveness, jealousy: +2
reeeaaaally depends, tbh, both on the execution of it and on my mood. and if it's a kink or not 😅 anything goes in kink fics lmao, but if i'm looking for a romance that's being taken seriously and being portrayed as a good (at least mostly) healthy thing, then i don't have a lot of patience or tolerance for it. i like seeing it addressed and worked through sometimes, though. idk, i'm picky about this one.
Opposites (grumpy/sunshine etc): +4
stealing prev's: yes, but only if it's accurate to canon characterizations and isn't just shoving characters into trope boxes ✔
Enemies to lovers, Enemies with benefits: +10
yeeeeaaaah that's the fun stuff
Friends with benefits: +7
promises good angst uwu, but also has the potential for miscommunication tropes that i have to be in the right mood for or else they get annoying and try my patience lol
Sex to feelings: +7
as distinct from friends with benefits?? 😂 i haven't heard of this one as a separate stand-alone trope, i don't think
Fake dating/relationship: +10
so much fun, so versatile, so many ways it can go
Friends to lovers: +6
still very good, but not as good as enemies to lovers. i also just really invest in strong friendships and am often would rather they stay like that rather than evolve into romance/sex. i'm a sucker for really really good friends 🥺
Found Family: +10
FUCK YEAH
Hurt/Comfort: +10
literally 85% of my thoughts per day revolve around contrived and self-indulgent h/c scenarios, it's all i care about tbh
Love Triangle: -3
it's gotta really be done well and without obnoxious cliche shit, it's not that it can't be done effective but it's really not a promising trope
Poly, open relationships: +1
it's not something that i'll necessarily seek out on purpose, but i enjoy it well enough
Mistaken/hidden identity: +4
can be very fun if it's done well
Monsterfucking: +7
i go back and forth depending on my mood 😂 i go through phases of Fuck Yeah Smuuuuut, at which times i am all about it, and phases of Good God Sex Is So Boring What's The Point, at which times i could not give less of a fuck. but when i'm on board, the monsterfucking is definitely an incentivizing trope 👌🏻👌🏻
Pregnancy: -6
i'm with prev, pregnancy weirds me out, alkdfjgh. it weirds me out irl too, it's borderline body horror for me haha, i find it quite squicky, so i've gotta be in juuuust the right headspace to go in for reading about it specifically. like, the mere presence of it won't stop me from reading an otherwise promising story, and i'm fine to skim if it's not prominent, but i'm not gonna read a story about pregnancy, ya know? no thanks.
Second Chance: +5
if it's done really well, it's fantastic. if it's done halfheartedly, too quickly, or with a sense that the author doesn't really understand or respect why the character NEEDS a second chance (ie, what they did wrong in the first place), then it's awful lol. so. picky about it, but when it hits, it hits hard.
Slowburn: +10
i am SO DOWN for a 200k story where they only kiss in the last chapter, if it's done well akldfjkdjgf
Soulmates: -4
the aro in me tends to be rubbed the wrong way by universes that are predicated on the assumption of an Other Half or fated romantic pairing. sometimes token efforts are made to worldbuild around it (i've written that myself tbh), but the whole concept is amatonormative enough to make me lowkey uncomfortable a lot of the time. doesn't mean i won't read or even enjoy them, but sometimes i reach my quota of romancey shit and decide FUCK THIS and can't stand to read them for a while 😂 gotta purge the yucky vibes before i can accept them again
and i'm taggingggg: @adamprrishcycle @fuck-isthatovid and @luulapants cuz that's all i can think of right now ily
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blole-hack · 2 years
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I've been questioning if im autistic
big sensory problems seriously
i like vegetables but i cant stand the tastes of some of them and textures. i mean i eat it but there's certain THRESHOLDS that i just can't, im about to puke, im sorry. it tastes good but idk why my body is rejecting it
i cant stand STRONG TASTES and STRONG SMELLS. But apparently I smell some things stronger than others???? like i can smell pee in some places where others dont lol (its the bathroom of course i smell the pee) and then it sticks to my nose bc of the particles that got stuck on my mask (as in anti COVID-19 mask not masking) so i had to swap masks but everyone else seemed fine
cant stand cold food lol do i just have stomach problem
cant stand perfumes or efficascent oil
cant stand sounds that people dont even think are loud tbh but its mostly because I'm scared of damaging my ears
its really hard to sleep without ear plugs but i think i just got used to it after sleeping near someone snoring.
touching certain textures is fine I'm just mildly germaphobic so if i touch something that feeels like it has like, idk, germs??? but im not scared of getting sick??? idk microorganisms scare me even though i know theyre everywhere
i cant stand the smells of some masks which other people dont notice (like, the insides)
but there's some things im dull at tasting or smelling
motion sickness dude... my whole life dude. and travel lag for hours
feel pressured to act normal but sometimes i just wanna let go maybe its social anxiety
cant speak/can barely speak idk if its enough to count as nonverbal during mornings but its so hard
its hard to respond when so many things are going at once
bad sense of direction because its hard to remember locations because of so many things around at once
triggered when some random person touches me but i just have boundaries
i dont really stim unless im excited. i dont rock back and forth for self soothing, or maybe i do??? idk i move sideways sometimes. i cant sit still i think HAHHAA when i discovered it was a thing though, shaking things off is pretty neat ow my ankle jk
iii do get the urge to just verbalize random shit fidget in certain ways but i dont really do it
i mean i do fidget but when I'm nervous
i do mimic things and basically built my identity by chipping things off from characters since I've been so confused about who i really am and that's the most accessible way of expressing and experimenting about it
some synthetic sounds or just music honestly hurt my ears. i dont know why. these things arent being complained about by other people. it makes composing and appreciating music hard.
ive never really parroted things randomly when i was a kid i think or llike older or something. i guess i did when i was like 3 until yeah
i dont really relate to the special interests thing though. might be important to have. actually maybe its art, music, writing. but growing up ive been kinda a stubborn person who didn't really wanna learn from anyone and just did things on my own. butt once i realized i would greatly benefit from learning i cant stand a day where i dont learn or improve IM JUST A PERFECTIONIST MAYBE but i dont really talk about them thaaaat much i dont really talk about anything much i dont really have much to say unless people are asking me for information
Ive been considered weird by peers before. when i was in grade 1 i tried writing a book in a small tiny book. it was a self help book. and then my classmates wrote "you're crazy" in the pages and tHATS WHEN I LEARNED TO USE EMOTIONAL WARFARE AND CRY IN CLASS TO GET WHAT I WANT MOTHERFUCKER -
I've always been so confused about socializing and why people seemed to know more about it than me but i realized afterwards that it's really just an art, there's no hard and fast rules besides not truly being a douchebag, and people just do whatever
i guess another thing that could be considered a special interest is my unstoppable urge of asking people about themselves, I'm really curious about others but have no idea how to talk about myself lol (i mean its stoppable i dont wanna look weird but i do wanna prod people so much)
i really wanna learn more about psychoanalyzing people but i hate Sigmund Freuds work HAHAHAHAHA
if it was more accessible maybe id be more nerdy about i
reading books is hard man...
ARTIFICIAL/SYNTHETIC FLAVORS. ARTIFICIAL/SYNTHETIC SMELLS i cannot stress this enough. i cant stand the combination of chocolate and milk sometimes, i cant stand the taste of whey protein sometimes when it has chocolate and milk as its flavoring
i think this is neurotypical as well but my senses get dulled sometimes when im focused on something else then later when i break focus all the sounds return. i guess yeah that makes sense but like it feels like i dont even process them subconsciously the info just gets thrown away HAHAHAHA
cant sleep when something is touching my neck even if its just my clothigny
when im already affected by motion sickness all of my senses get worse i guess thats normal
are my talking patterns weird <- my thoughts almost always
on the flip side, despite my interest in people, there's also me not understanding people and fictional characters *some emotions or recognizing them until i read or watch analyses or meta posts (thats why I love them)
i mean getting diagnosed is incredibly terrible Because People Will Make Your Life Worse and judge you for it with stigmas but heyyy at least i can get an excuse from my family why i dont wanna eat those *specific* vegetables please i beg i feel bad for the veggies whenever i want to vomit them
so yeah since i cant get diagnosed might as well ask actual neurodivergent people on tumblr
maybe i should just blender them into a nice textureless juice if i want my fill NUTRIENTS BABY without the near vomit experience!
wonder if any neuro divergent peeps out there relate or if im neurotypical but i really just do have problems with textures and tastes
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honking-up-a-storm · 11 months
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Love, Sex, Gender
I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how my mind works revolving around them. It’s overall confusing and complex and I’m just so frustrated that it is that way. 
Falling in love for me takes a very long time, I really can’t see myself entering a relationship with someone who I don’t know for at least a few years; even then we’d have to be extremely close. Having a partner is something I’ve never actively sought out, when I’m single I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything and hell I almost feel like It’s better riding solo. Though sometimes I fear I’m too independent, yet paradoxically my last two relationships have been extremely co-dependent to a fault. And like, I still experience crushes and like can find celebrities hot or whatever. Like I was really interested in a friend and she was super into me but the soon after we got together it just didn’t feel right, I barely knew anything about her, and she barely knew anything about me it didn’t make sense to me that something like that could happen so fast.
It’s not that I don’t want a partner but I don’t see myself going out of my way to find one either. Idk, It’s like I want it to happen “naturally” in some way, where that line between friends and partners seamlessly transitions. But I feel like that can really fuck me up given that’s a line that should be rather solid. And I’m mad I did attempt to cross that line when I really wasn’t fully sure if it was something I actually wanted. Granted I should have been more open with those feelings but I was really stuck in this state of back and forth where I’d either be frustrated I wasn’t saying how I felt and on the flip side I’d be having days where I was grateful I kept my mouth shut because it wasn’t what I wanted. Even though I did spill in the end, I immediately wanted to take it back because it hit me that it wasn’t what I wanted; of course, I hadda fuck everything up in the process to get to my final conclusion, but I needed that clean break.
Aside from romantic feelings, I’m starting to think I fall somewhere on the ace spectrum sexuality-wise. I haven’t felt attracted to anyone I’ve known in that way since my first boyfriend and even then I don’t think I was all that into him. And I bring this up because like I’m still a virgin and like I'm not sure if it’s just stupid purity culture being bashed into my head, but I would prefer my first time be with someone I really truly love. At the same time, it’s like this idea slams into my head that if I ever do have sex with that “special someone” then the whole relationship from there will be ruined in some way. Which is so strange beacuse I do find sex to be romantic on some level (though if you were to ask a friend they’d say I thought sex was funny as shit for whatever reason which is also true), but yhea to be that close to someone seems really special, how could it possibly ruin things?
I don’t know how to properly explain it, but I think that it could partially be because of my gender identity as well. Like I’m non-binary but I’m leaning on the masc side and most days wish my body was that of a cis man’s. Sometimes I feel like if I was born male I wouldn’t have had this wack-ass mindset. I could just date whoever without thinking, have a body count in the hundreds, whatever. Like shit ik the joke where it's like “Oh bro if you watch the guy in porn that means you're gay” Like no bitch I’m picturing myself as the guy. I always have. Looking back I do find myself being mad at em for not listening to me on how I was talking about my body, what I was thinking about, openly considering things like going on T and getting bottom surgery. Dude always preached about people having different experiences but I guess mine was wrong in some way. I’m already teetering on the rope enough, I don’t need you bouncing on the line. I’m saying it so calmly now but every thought about it recently has been screaming “How dare you tell me how I feel about my body, how dare you of all people, of all fucking people try and tell me what I’m feeling, what I fuckin’ want and don’t want.”  Like yhea physically transitioning is gonna be uncomfortable, the body is being forcefed hormones and going through puberty part 2 now with DLC. I’m not fuckin’ stupid, I know it’s not some magical snap of the fingers (we all wish it was tho). But fuck, the dude was starting T themself, you’d think there'd be more of a “yhea it's uncomfortable but I’m way happier despite that” kind of energy about it, ya know some trans to trans fuckin’ support when I was expressing doubt and hesitation. I’m venting now, sorry, but fuck I think that's when my heart gave up on em despite my head still continuing to be all flip-floppy.
Anywaysssssss. For now I will stick with my Pan-Romantic and Pansexual labels since the way I use it is like “I’ll know it when I see it” kinda deal and like it feels right still, but yhea, I feel like there’s still more things I have to try and figure out about myself about all this. Maybe I’ll try jumping into a relationship kinda spontaneously if the oppurtunity presents itself, see what it’s like for the hell of it.
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luobingmeis · 3 years
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🍄
#i’m rambling/slightly-vulnerable-posting in the tags of this post#100% genuine do not feel obligated to read i just don’t have any other vent outlets omg#i would invest in a journal but 1) feels too intimate and 2) cannot trust it to not be found#anyways tho!!!!!#imposter syndrome is. really happening tonight!#like idk it’s like i’ve always known ‘identity is fluid’ but i always felt like it applied to everyone else#and then i think abt the ways my identity has changed between 13-21 and it just feels?? idk#like i almost feel guilty? in a sense?#esp bc between like idk august to now i have been having like. stacked identity crises.#and a part of me feels like i should’ve figured this shit out already lmao#and another part of me is like ‘would an X person really think abt this all the time’#and then /another/ part of me feels like i am just faking everything even though i. am not. but sometimes brain bad!!#and it’s just weird#and sometimes very much this feeling of ‘are these feelings genuine or am i thinking too much’#and i feel a lot of that with gender but like.#that esp i feel almost scared to talk abt bc i have Thoughts and Feelings#and then i overthink and my brain is just like ‘nope ur lying ur doing this for attention ur just thinking too much’#like idk my whole identity sometimes feels like just a back and forth with my own brain#and it always just comes back to ‘shouldnt i know this stuff already?’#‘why does it feel like everything just suddenly changed’#and most of all (and my personal favorite /s):#‘are these feelings real or am i uprooting everything bc i feel like i’m losing my grip on a lot of stuff’#like idk i feel like that sounds. bad.#and i’m hesitant to call it this bc ik it has serious connotations but sometimes it feels obsessive#and like. would pay money for someone to tell me what i am#bc i have thoughts and feelings but it’s like i’m scared to commit bc like. what if temporary.#or what if not taken seriously. or not wanted. fun shit like that!#A N Y W A Y S THOUGH#also if u made it this far 1) god bless and 2) i’m not fishing for attention i just needed a vent space omg
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eleegiac · 3 years
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yknow what! i’ll finally say it. i was not ready to come out when i did and while i’m glad i came out sooner than later there is so much i wish i’d worked through and explored first before coming out as trans and so i will endlessly support every single human being on the planet regardless of age who openly explores their identity. i think some of y’all are just mad bc we didn’t have the courage to do it ourselves!
#personal#text#hot take#idk#disc horse#i 100% felt pressured and guilted into coming out mostly bc of my own inner issues#and i am terrified to be anything other than masc publicly i’m constantly terrified of what people think#and sometimes i feel like i spent my whole life rehearsing for a part that i last second didn’t wind up doing#i spent 19 years preparing for womanhood and then all of a sudden i had to be A Man and all of the normative bullshit that comes with that#or my identity wasn’t respected in the slightest#i just …. i want someone out there to know that it’s okay to go back and forth and be confused#i know for sure that i am a man but the logistics of that are different to me i think and who gives a fuck? i’m a man#but even then sometimes i panic and i question when this is something i’ve been pretty sure abt for most of my life#it’s okay to explore it’s okay to check things out#i do believe my identity would be different if i’d been braver or felt more comfortable to explore#but now i feel like i dug myself a little miles shaped hole and now this is me and i don’t want anyone to wind up like this feeling super#like remorseful#bc with this i know that i’m confident in my identity#idk y’all it’s almost 5am i’ve been up all night i worked 11 hours i’m having a crisis none of my followers read anything i post anyway#anyways if you made it all the way to here hope you’re doing well please make sure you’re remembering that you make the rules#of the whole world. except for be kind and do not harm unnecessarily. those r the only 2 Universal rules
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qqueenofhades · 3 years
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Chatting with @extasiswings earlier and we were having Thoughts about homophobia in period-piece fiction, especially period-piece queer romances... which I'm still thinking about so I may scribble some of them down. Shh. 😂
Basically, we decided that society has evolved past the need for homophobia (I mean, it did a while ago, but y'know) and while it's not wrong to refer to/acknowledge historical manifestations of prejudice in your period piece, I feel like we (meaning queer writers writing for queer readers) need to normalise just... not making the Oppression the whole point of the story. We have all read queer tragedy for ages and ages and it is why I had to go make my "20 actually fun books for pride month!" list in place of the one that was all about pain and suffering and identity politics. This applies whether in original or fan fiction, since I for one have definitely cast a slight side eye at "Period Typical Homophobia" tags and similar on AO3. Not that writers who incorporate it are wrong or bad or anything, but when you're writing a transformative fantasy piece provided, at least presumably, for the pleasure and escapism of your readers, you don't actually need to include it! I feel like a lot of people are worried about getting setting details right, which I totally understand, but as a real live historian, I am telling you now that historical accuracy is a) deeply subjective, b) only applied in certain hot-button social topics anyway, and c) for fiction at least, not even strictly necessary. Because if your idea of "history" looks like a white conservative's wet dream re women, people of color, and queer people, it's probably not even accurate anyway.
Yes, homophobia existed in some ways in the past, sometimes damagingly so, and I'm not saying that shouldn't be written about. But it also didn't exist in the same way it does today (this is also my Queer Historian hat speaking). Queer people existed and had lives that were not uniformly marked by suffering, and people don't feel a need to constantly include a critique of Society's Unenlightened Prejudices in modern romances, even when a lot of those same criticisms could be made today. (I mean /waves hand at the world/ have you SEEN this place lately?) If your only justification for including "Period Typical Homophobia" in your work is that you feel it would be inaccurate without it, that is... not even true either.
Sure, there are narrative tropes and conventions, and tension and excitement that can result from a forbidden romance, but I am also gonna point out that these romances were neither all that forbidden or as unusual as your average histrom writer/reader thinks. You can actually write a largely or entirely "accurate" historical romance (and again, it's fiction, you're not even beholden to Accuracy Standards TM anyway) without homophobia playing a significant role.
For example, my current m/m fic is set in the 1980s Soviet Union, not exactly a gay mecca, but while there are references to how the characters deal with that and what they think about it and what their past lives have been like because of this, I don't need to include, idk, a random gay bashing to make it more accurate. And that is even in a post-Stonewall time period. If you're going back before the 20th century, I feel like people have a point they want to make about How Things Were Different Then, and it is just... not even really the case. And even if it was, it's still FICTION, and that which is being produced for a queer audience. (Don't get me started on the This Character Is Queer It Is Shocking histfic written by straights, looking at you, The Miniaturist).
Anyway, lol. The point is: "Historically Accurate Homophobia" isn't even really a thing, since as the constructionists like to point out, if you don't have "homosexuality" before it was invented as an analytical term in the 19th century, you can't have explicit and widespread homophobia either. And if as a queer writer you don't really want to include it, but feel like you have to, this is me saying: nah, son. Throw it directly out the window. You good. Go forth and live your best gay life.
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foxymoxynoona · 3 years
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Hey Foxy, do you have any tips for writing. You're so dang prolific, idk how you do it. HOW DO YOU DO IT?! 😂
I should probably track these answers because I *love* talking about writing.
I did a first post months ago with some of my process and tips which might be interesting to you here.
But I'll add some new things too! Here are some other questions I've been lately here or in ao3 comments.
Q: How are you so prolific?
I don't let shit stop me. Our brains can throw up so many hurdles in the creative process, and you have to tell those hurdles to eat shit. Can't think of a word? I put ****WTFWORD*** in the sentence and keep going, I can find it later. Need to fact check something? I'll put **TRUE?** Need to research something? I view that as a totally protected and valuable step, and I carve time out and don't consider that "not writing."
So I ignore those hurdles and I just write. About whatever! About anything! Sometimes I'm like, waiting in line at the grocery story and it's like, "oh, wouldn't it be cute if two people were in line and they were bickering over the headlines" and then I just write that. There doesn't have to be a point, you're flexing your writing muscle. Writing for me is a lot of putting daydreams down on paper, even if they're just isolated blurbs or just fragments or conversation or whatever.
Q: How do you stay motivated?
Sometimes writing is chasing an inspiration and the words just flow freely. Other days writing is a sore muscle and you tell yourself you are going to write 500 words even if they're about nothing, even if you're probably going to throw them away. You have to figure out when is the right time to take a break and do something else, or when is the right time to put in some work, even if it's not easy that day. Depends what the outcome you're looking for is, but I can promise you there are chapters of my story that have been a struuuuuggle to write --and the irony is they often tend to be the ones people love the most in the end! Even though I hate them because I'm aware of what a struggle they were to write!
I also highly recommend music, candles, pinterest, and snacking. I personally eat baby carrots by the bag full since gum is bad for my teeth. The act of chewing makes your brain work. I keep pinterest open and will literally bounce back and forth just looking at pictures every couple of sentences sometimes. Not even necessarily related pictures! It just give my brain a moment to take a breath.
Q: How do you write such built out characters?
I find people fascinating, even when they're terrible. Be open to the fact that people are wonderful and annoying, generous and selfish, all at the same time. If you don't occasionally want to throttle your own character, you probably are writing a character very much like you --which is ok! But if you write a lot of characters, you're not going to get that variety. Everyone has their own opinions, their own habits others find annoying, their own biases, their own dreams, and their own justification for why they do what they do. I do not worry about writing "likeable" characters for readers, only whether i want the characters in the story to perceive someone as likeable or not (Pippa is a good example! JK did NOT find her likeable in the beginning but everyone else did! The way he and others viewed a habit of hers completely different is a good example of how differently people can respodn to the same stimulus.) My personal style is more just to let people make their own down mistakes and have their own stupid opinions and quirks. I also spend time thinking about things for my side characters too --I know their backgrounds, their family, their dreams, their struggles, etc. Maybe not to the degree of the main characters, but enough that they can naturally be consistent and have their own little progress arcs in a story.
Q: Any other tips for writing?
Consume everything you can get your hands onto, but never compare what you're creating to someone else. There is not just one kind of good cookies, MOST cookies are AMAZING, and even a bad cookie is usually better than no cookie.
Learn all the "rules" of writing but don't hesitate to break them when it feels right. "Write what you know" or "show don't tell" or even grammar rules. No one's style or process will be identical to yours and that's fine.
Maintain a careful balance of writing to where you think you're going but be flexible when the story changes course.
Worry more about emotional sincerity and purpose than physical details (in characters, settings, etc. You can use the atmosphere in a room to emphasize that a character is stressed or sad or happy, etc.) But make sure that your physical details and staging make sense and are consistent.
Don't judge your characters. Sure, be aware of where you and they may disagree. Be aware of where your readers may have an emotional or upset response. But if you're writing your characters from a place of judgement, you aren't going to let them live their story and the whole thing will feel like a moral lecture.
TRUST YOU READERS. This is a hard one, because I see all the discourse about how "people are stupid and they'll miss everything." Some readers are going to misunderstand your intentions. Some readers are going to draw wild conclusions you never dreamed of. Some readers are going to get really mad at the things your characters do. But as soon as you start talking down to your readers, or dumb down the emotions you're writing about, or overly spell out the connections you want them to make, you're just going to alienate them. If readers do get something very differently than what you expected and it's lingering, stop and get a sense of what misled them. Remember that readers aren't in your head, they don't know the invisible strings, so probably it means you just need to re-emphasize something, or have a character reflect on something, or a particular wording came across differently. So fix it! It's all good! Stories are alive. But don't assume your readers won't make a connection or see something coming, just because your characters have blinders on in the story; work with that to capitalize on reader response.
Q: What about quick tricks?
OK here are some very specific things I've done:
- Give your word document a background color so you aren't staring at a white page
- Sit in a weird place in your house you wouldn't normally sit, like on the floor in a corner of your kitchen
- You've heard of edging... try some WRITING edging. You know you want to write that scene. The emotions are right there. Your brain is going wild. Let your brain go wild a liiiittle longer before you actually sit down to write it out.
- Read your writing out loud. This will very quickly reveal awkward phrasing, forced dialogue, and typos.
Ok ok I think that is probably enough blathering for now. <3 hope any of this was worth your time to read!
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coldtomyflash · 3 years
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Hi! I'm the anon who asked you about advice for speech patterns with OC characters--absolutely love love loved your advice btw, it wasn't too much at all! I'm just struggling to write a character who grew up really close with their siblings and trying to not make them sound like either of them while still sounding like they grew up together. I want to be able to write dialogue without using tags sometimes and be able to know which character said what. Any more suggestions?
How many shows have you watched with close siblings recently? If any, spend some time analysing what they do in depth. And I’m asking about shows because actors can help you get a very clear feel for differences in character and tone, and should be easier to analyse from that approach than books would be.
I’ve recently watched Supernatural, with the two main characters being brothers who have spent literally almost the entirety of their lives (save for a stint to college for one of them) by each other’s side in close proximity. Nonetheless, I don’t think I’d have any issue telling who is speaking in a fic even if the dialogue had a sum total of zero (0) dialogue tags -- even (maybe especially) if the whole fic was just dialogue back and forth. I could most definitely write a fic as such, partly because I can hear their voices in my head if I were to close my eyes and try, and being able to “visualize” those voices makes it so much easier to ensure they stay distinct from one another. 
This is because the writers and actors have done a great job of giving them really similar speech conventions in some ways (as a baseline example, they both use the word “dude” in exactly the same ways) but also have their own quirks (for example, one has what’s almost a catchphrase of “so get this” and the other doesn’t really say that). Each voice is distinct, and it’s a lot less about specific word choice and more about how the way they speak relates to their character and character’s identity: hesitations, pauses, voice raises, cut-off words, interrupting the other, longer or shorter sentences, etc.
So pick out some things that you think both (all? not sure how many there are) of your sibling characters would have in common, and some things that would be unique about them. Does one use bigger/more erudite words than another? Does one swear more than the other(s)? Did one internalize the use of “so, like” from their peers where the other(s) didn’t? Does one raise their voice more than the other?
And do they all refer to things using some common terms? Do they have inside jokes and references that you can use to show how close they are? Does one tease the other more? Is one more terse than the other? 
I think you should be very clear about who these characters are inside your mind, and work to let that influence their voices as they come out on the page. Make sure that you’re writing dialogue as a fluid and living thing, rather than rigid. What does that mean? Look at these examples:
“you do not know what it means to me,” he said.
“you don’t know what it means to me,” he said quietly.
“you don’t know what it means to me” he said, voice quiet, pausing every second word with eyes downcast.
“you don’t... you don’t know what it means,” he all but whispered, so quiet that the faint “to me” was almost lost to the floor as he lowered his head.
Right, okay, I think I’ve got your attention. You’re seeing how there’s different ways of conveying hesitation, tone. Now let’s put that into a conversation without dialogue tags, and you can tell me if you think it’s obvious who’s speaking and how these individuals are different:
“you’re not going and that’s final!”
a pause, and then,
“you don’t... you don’t know what it means,” he all but whispered, so quiet that the faint “to me” was almost lost to the floor as he lowered his head.
“you - dude - what? where is this coming from? since when - ?”
“i... nevermind.”
“no, not nevermind! talk to me!”
“i shouldn’t’ve even brought it up.”
“yes you damn well should have, you - “
“would you - ...”
“would i what?”
“i... just would you ... stop... demanding. okay? i get that you’re worried, i do, but it’s...”
“[name]?”
“it’s my decision.”
(And scene)
Okay so obviously I’m in the mood to write something maudlin because idk what that even is, but I hope it managed to convey that one character is raising their voice (exclamation marks, short imperative sentences) and is worked up in a way that has him agitated (he cuts himself off it ends with “-” rathe than “...”). You know that even though he might be close with the other person, he is different than him, and is used to giving orders or taking charge.
whereas the other (let’s assume younger) brother here is hesitant, quiet, using a lot of ellipses (...) as he trails off, even after he cuts himself off you get the impression that he wants to say more but is hesitating to. the “okay?” could be interpreted as a louder “okay?” if it was said by the other, because it’s in it’s own sentence and not just modifying the previous sentence, but here (hopefully) you get the impression that it’s this character taking a second then pushing what he’s saying a bit. not “just would you stop demanding, okay?” but “stop demanding. okay?” by separating it, i’ve made it a question rather than a command. 
this younger character is also using qualifiers and adverbs (”just would you” not “would you” or even “would you just”) to soften his speech, whereas the older one is using swears to intensify his.
but neither of them are using any particular word choice here that would stand out, and they’re both comfortable with contractions, and repeating each other’s words back and forth in a way that makes it seem like they’re probably comfortable using the same language (nothing is in scare quotes when they quote/repeat things back to each other). there’s nothing here that stops them from being raised close in a way that means their speech is similar. 
So - that’s uh, my weird advice, i guess. get their voices in your head as best as you can, in a way that matches the character and their personality and their role as a sibling to the other (as well as the mood and emotions within each scene!), and do your best to write your dialogue a bit fluidly so that all those little idiosyncrasies that create tone (hesitations, pauses, full stops and new sentences, questions, exclamations, interruptions, etc) all come through naturally without requiring dialogue tags and description to make it come to life.
Final piece of advice on this: trust your reader. unless you screw up the order of who’s talking, they should be able to follow it back and forth. you can toss in a dialogue tag here and there if it gets to be an especially long exchange, or do what i like better and toss in other information about how they’re feeling or responding or what they’re seeing to help situate the reader in the correct PoV, but for the most part readers can follow a flowing conversation so long as they know who spoke first and you keep the back and forth exchange clear. 
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moonlitmessages · 4 years
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Reasons I think Saeyoung has ADHD
- Messy house. Hard to keep it clean. Everything just kinda piles up and he relies on Vanderwood to not live in a pig sty.
- He says early in his route (day five first story mode I think. When Vanderwood is first introduced) he says that Dr. Pepper helps him focus. He drinks it and gets super focused, but then the mess piles up even more because of the soda cans.
- Super smart, especially about very specific niches. I mean he's smart in general but also has his Thing™ (this can be applied to both ADHD and the autistic spectrum. )
- Insomnia. This is part of his work obviously as well but he's clear about the fact that his sleep schedule is hecking out of whack.
- Can't focus?? Let's do everything besides the thing we need to do. Even though it will do nothing to help the situation at hand.
- Cars. Going nyoom down the road could help with stimulation and sensory issues that come with ADHD. Something about the speed just makes it make sense.
- Hyperfocus. "Don't bother me I'm trying to work". Being so focused on work that he doesn't take the time to really even order a hot meal. Forgets to eat and sleep sometimes because of it. (a lot of instances it's simply that he CAN'T or he won't meet deadlines too so that also has to be kept in mind). Building robots out of thin air too is an example.
- Inattentive. When not super focused its almost like a disinterest in anything. His focus is on MC? Well gotta do something for MC. She'll like a flamethrower pup. That will keep her safe. Wait no it wont...I thought it would tho. Gotta work!! No but MC isn't safe. (Inattentive to his work cause super focused on MC)
Symptoms of ADHD include:
Disorganization 
     - This goes along with the messy house. There’s a picture where he’s shown surrounded by chip crumbs. Vanderwood claims that his couch smells like soda. There are likely aspects in which he can actually be quite organized, but those would likely be in reference to his job, and computer/automotive repair.
Lack of focus 
    - This happens a little bit through different routes, where he complains about not being able to focus and doing some procrastinating, but for the most part the biggest example is the very beginning of his route where his focus is faltered because his mind is on MC. While that is a normal reaction to have for anyone regarding what was going on, it can’t be ignored that 1.) He WAS unfocused to the point he couldn’t do anything besides worry, or work on things that ‘Could help protect MC” regardless of if they were useful or not. and 2.) Dr. Pepper is part of the reason he is able to focus on things when he DOES focus. He says this himself in the first story-mode for his route. That he drinks it, then gets super focused. Caffeine has been proven to actually help the ADHD brain focus.
Act or speak without thinking 
    - “Im leaving the RFA”, breaking the RoboCat, and some of his procrastinating during his route could be considered put into this category. Also, I know he is by all technicalities saying things with thought in regard to MC when he’s saying hurtful stuff, however I still think it could be put in here because while it was said with the thought “I want to make sure MC stays away from me so she will be safe,” it’s without thinking about how he feels/what he wants and he ends up regretting it down the road.
Restlessness 
    - Lets see, he has trouble focusing and when he can’t focus he ends up doing other stuff to keep his hands and mind busy. He has sleep troubles. I doubt he can sit still very easily if he isn’t super-focused on something life-or-death and/or a special interest. A good example could once again be the robo-animals he built. His focus was somewhere else, there’s little he can do to remedy the situation, he gets restless and tries to occupy himself with something he CAN focus on.
Difficulty coping with stress 
    - Source: His Whole Route
Mood Swings 
    - What I’m seeing as mood swings could also just easily be his stress and anxiety in the situation during his route causing him to bounce back and forth/ the mask he tries to put up to protect MC from getting involved with him being thrown up when he feels like he’s letting her to close. But nonetheless there are points where he will just seem sad and melancholy then get angry. 
Anxiety 
   - I mean idrk how to explain this one for him, I don’t necessarily think that he has social anxiety, but maybe general anxiety (tho I’m not really sure how to explain how I see that in him) but regardless when he does experience pressure, he seems to have heightened anxiety levels. It just makes sense in my head so take this one a little lighter than the others. 
Low self esteem 
    - ‘I’m not a good person” “Why do you like me?” I would say that when it comes to his looks he’s fairly confident. But when it comes to his personality (I mean he has a whole identity crisis) and actions, it’s a whole other story. He puts himself down a lot because he genuinely thinks that he doesn’t deserve MC and that she should be with someone better than him.
Impulsiveness 
    - Again, breaking Robocat. Felt impulsive and done without thought. His car rides could also be considered impulsive depending on how risky and speedy they may be. I recall at one point he texts MC while driving. 
Trouble controlling anger 
    - Source: His Whole Route
Procrastination 
   - I feel like I keep bringing up the robo animals a lot, but they were also a form of procrastinating his work. (I suppose there are a lot of things that could be tied to those animals then, or maybe I’m just reading to deep into things). Uhm, idk I can’t think of anymore examples atm, and I know he tries not to procrastinate super important stuff. I feel like if I were to play the game again (it’s been a couple weeks) I would be able to find more examples for this even on a minor scale. Sometimes him teasing Yoosung could be seen as both him trying to relieve some stress and put off doing his work.
~•⭐ D e p r e s s i o n ⭐•~ 
- Yes I know his depression comes from trauma and abuse. However ADHD overlaps with different disorders quite commonly. A lot of his ADHD symptoms overlap with depression as well, such as the disorganization, mood swings, and insomnia. And depression can very often accompany ADHD too just simply due to the fact that mental illnesses do tend to come in multiples, and also the ADHD itself can be a contributor to depression.
Those are 12 different signs that he might have ADHD...and of course I’m no doctor. Everything that I listed were things that I found through an attempt to analyze him and his route, and online research regarding ADHD. I’m sure there are things I might have over-analyzed and taken some things out of context as it has been a couple weeks since I finished his route...So feel free to add your own thoughts/opinions, regardless of if you think I’m right or wrong. This has been in my drafts for a while and I finally got it finished and will likely go through editing later but I want to post it now. If anything is hard to understand let me know and it will get fixed to the best of my ability.
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mypersonmyg · 4 years
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Reader keeping secrets from ________ Reader leading a double life a an underground artist and ________ has no idea but is a fan? Sorry that’s all I can come up with on short notice lol Hope you have fun writing whatever you work on! 😀
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Pairing: Taehyung x tagger!reader
WC: 1.7k
Genre: artist au
Rating: pg
Warnings: None. 
A/N: I may do a part 2 if you want. Idk, I’m just tired.
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“Did you see?” You glance up  from your laptop as Taehyung walks through the front door, eyes glued to his phone. When you don’t respond he looks up expectantly and you shrug your shoulders with a tilt of the head. “Purple Panda tagged last night and it’s all over my feed.”
“Oh, cool.” You glance back down at your laptop, never interested in having lengthy conversations with your boyfriend about his favorite local artist and their hidden identity. “I’m kinda feeling pizza tonight, are you in?”
“Did you hear what I said?” He takes a seat on the arm of the couch and presses a kiss against the crown of your head. You hum continuing to type against your keyboard without pretense.
“Yeah, artist, tag, social feed. I don’t know why you’re so obsessed with this person,” You lower your screen and angle yourself toward him. “Sure they’re amazing at what they do, but what they do is also pretty illegal.”
Taehyung pulls his lip into a contemplative pout, his hands coming to massage your shoulders, the feeling relieving the tension that had taken over your muscles. The two of you sit in comfortable silence, the sound of Yeontan’s feet patter occasionally across the floor. 
“Why don’t you like them?” You’re caught off guard by the sudden question, never having said anything about your personal feelings. 
“What do you mean? I never said that.”
“True, but you’re always telling me that I shouldn’t invest so much time in this and you can’t help but to constantly point out the lack of legality in their work.” You huff, pushing yourself from the confines of the couch cushions and onto your feet. Taehyung is hot on your trail as you head to the kitchen, grabbing your keys from the counter.
“I don’t hate them, I just don’t think you should invest so much time in trying to discover a person who doesn’t want to be discovered. They have a pseudonym for a reason and that reason is not for you to try to expose their true identity.” It had become a sort of hobby for Taehyung to try and crack the code of Purple Panda. He enjoyed their art so much that he figured finding them would be next best to actually creating the pieces himself. 
He followed every lead that filled his social feeds and he even roped Namjoon and Jimin into the whole ordeal. You on the other hand were content with knowing nothing of this person aside from what they paint on buildings. You’ve tried and failed to get Taehyung to let go of this idea that he could find the elusive artist, but he just poked fun at you for being jealous or asked questions like this one.
“I’m going to go and grab us some pizza, why don’t you watch a movie or something, hmm?” You pat Taehyung’s arm and peck his cheek, your purse being thrown over one shoulder. 
“Yeah, sure.” He stuffs his hands into his pockets and watches you walk out of the house, the door clicking shut behind you. He walks to the front, pacing back and forth near the window to allow himself to watch you pull out of the drive. When he’s sure that you won’t be pulling back in he makes a beeline to the hall closet, Yeontan hot on his trail. “I think I know why she hates Purple Panda so much, Tannie.”
The dog yaps, jumping around Taehyung as he bends to the ground pulling at a box that’s stuffed deep in the junk filled closet. Yeontan nips at his pant legs, like he’s trying to stop Taehyung from completing his task, but Taehyung simply scoops the dog up and cuddles him to his chest. He manages to wrestle the box out with his one free hand and he places Yeontan back into the hall where the dog trots away indignantly.
Taehyung had grown increasingly suspicious of your behavior in the past few weeks and had taken to keeping a close eye on you. His first avenue was to assume the worst, the odd hours in which you’d claim to have errands or plans with friends not making the choice difficult. It was Namjoon’s comforting voice of reason that had talked him down from that ledge and since then he’s been grasping at anything to connect your behavior. 
The latest in his growing suspicions is the way in which you disregard his excitement for his most recent favorite artist. Purple Panda is a tagger, an expert in Taehyung’s opinion, and has been running throughout the city making their mark for the better part of a year now. The first time he’d come to you with full cheeks and his phone resting in his palm you’d been just as excited as him. The new artist becoming a popular topic of discussion between the two of you. 
That had all changed after the first month, when Taehyung had decided that he wanted to meet this infamous tagger no matter what it took. It was a usual night, the two of you cuddled up in bed when he’d shared his plans with you. The way you had stiffened beneath him should’ve been his first clue that something was wrong, but he’d thought nothing of it, the chill that often filled the room a logical enough explanation. 
Now, he had taken notice of your hasty subject changes and how you avoided fully answering any questions he had pertaining to the Purple Panda. In fact, it seemed that the more he dug in the more annoyed you got with him. You weren’t snapping, but there was definitely a slight edge to your voice when you would issue him a response. 
Taehyung had again expressed his beliefs with Namjoon who told him that the best way to find out the truth would be for him to confront you directly. That was when Jimin had opted to butt into the conversation and tell Taehyung that was the worst idea.
“She’s not just gonna come and tell you flat out. You have to be smarter than her, do a little sleuthing and wait until you have proof.” This idea sounded much more appealing to Taehyung, perhaps because it allowed him to put his detective skills to the test though he would never admit the underlying excitement. So he’d taken to paying extra close attention to you when you left and when you came home. The way you reacted to different questions and conversations.
When he’d spoken to you today he noted a twitch in your nose, a tell-tale sign that you were keeping something from him. Over the past weeks he had picked up on your routine. You would come into the house and sometimes immediately open the closet door before coming to greet him and oftentimes open it again before you left. One of these times he stepped into the closet and looked for any sign that you’d disrupted one of the multitudes of storage boxes piled into the tiny space.
He’d spotted a box slightly protruding from the back and pulled it out immediately to find that there was nothing inside save for an old dirty rag. He figured that whatever you were taking whenever you left the house must be kept in that box. If he was as good a detective as he liked to believe he guessed that the box would be filled with spray paint. He intended to sneak out of bed tonight to see if his assumptions were true, but your sudden decision to leave the house gave him a window of opportunity. So here he sits, the box before him, filled with what he hopes is the answer to his mystery. The box is much heavier than the first time he’d come across it which he found a good sign.
“Here goes,” He says to no one in particular, his hand coming to lift the cardboard flap that hid the contents from view. His eyes had involuntarily, his nerves getting the best of him. If what he finds isn’t what he’s expecting he isn’t sure what it could be or how he’ll react.
He takes a deep breath and peers into the box. 
“Gotcha,” He smiles from ear to ear, half used spray paint cans stuffed into a worn duffle greeting him. He lifts one of the cans, a purple one adorning the name of your chosen pseudonym and he smiles at his excellent deductive reasoning. 
When the shock and triumph wears off  he begins to wonder why you would hide something from him. But more importantly how you got into tagging in the first place. You’d told him plenty of times that there were many dangers that came from this form of expression and he can’t imagine a reason why you would put yourself in danger of getting caught. 
He slumps against the wall, tossing a can back and forth between his hands while he thinks. His head snaps toward the front door when he hears you struggling on the other side, the ruffling of your purse and the mumbled obscenities almost bringing a smile to his face. He glances between the door and the paint, contemplating his next move.
Confront or let it go?
He wants nothing more than to confront you, make you tell him why you’d kept it a secret from him, but he’s also certain that there had to be a logical reason and he doesn’t want to pressure you. Just as you’re sliding your key into the door he makes the decision to stuff the paint back into the box and the box back into the closet. 
“Hey, the line was so short today. Lucky us!” You hold the pizza you’d purchased out and he takes the box with a smile. “What have you been up to?”
“Nothing, just trying to find out more about Purple Panda.” He watches you visibly flinch, covering it with a smile as you lead him to the kitchen. “I was kind of thinking you’re right though.”
“Yeah? About what?” 
“If they want to be discovered then they’ll do it in their own time.” 
“I’m glad to hear it.” You send him a smile and slide the pizza onto the table. Taehyung slides into his chair and grabs your hand placing a gentle kiss against your knuckles. 
“And I will wait forever if that’s what it takes.”
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chickenfreeblog · 3 years
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hey mind helping with more gender crap? i've known i'm trans for a really long time, hell i've even had top surgery and started low dose t. but for some reason i'm terrified of changing my name?? i know the majority of people around me are open minded and would be supportive but i'm just so scared. i think part of it is that i really don't have any close friends that i can talk to about it and maybe try a new name+pronouns with. also although i’m very masc presenting i’m not sure if i want to be seen as a “man”. i know in english i can just use they/them but where i live gender neutral language isn’t really a thing. and eventually if/when enough physical changes take place (mainly voice) i feel i’ll be kinda forced to change it as it’s definitely gendered (a nickname/short version won’t work for all situations). thoughts?
oh gosh, that’s a tough one, and i’m sorry it sounds like you’re struggling a little with all this!! i’m gonna split it up? (also putting this under a cut bc i love tippy tapping)
pronouns etc: i think...... there’s this whole thing where people conflate pronouns with Gender in a way that doesn’t make much sense to me? like, idk. i was passing back & forth before they/them was a common thing, and even now i feel like pronouns don’t really capture how i feel about gender all that well. i think you can kinda shape people’s perspectives with pronouns, but..... you can use binary pronouns and still be Outside of that identity, you know what i mean?? idk if i’m explaining this right lmao. i don’t know what language you’re working with so it’s hard to say any specifics, but i think even in a really gendered language you can switch back & forth and still have a meaningful relationship with nonbinary language? i think you have to negotiate what “being a man” means to you in your life, but even if you’re using masculine language you don’t have to be A Man if it’s not something you enjoy imo.
name stuff: honestly i feel kinda the same about names!! if you have a name in mind that you’re excited about, great, maybe it’s time to test it online somewhere or something, even if you’re not comfortable talking about it in real life? 
also - i think names can be really intimidating bc it’s such a public thing, but if sounds like you’ve had some pretty public experiences already & haven’t hated it, so i don’t think it necessarily needs to be someone you’re really close with? i think the first person who noticed last time i change my name was like. a random guy at work that i kinda know but would never in a million years bring up gender around on purpose jhkgfs.
if you don’t have a name you’re stoked on though – hm. i feel like there’s this thing that’s kind of like the pronouns thing, where there’s a ton of pressure on trans people to pick The Right Name and find one that captures their whole gender and has a good meaning and sounds nice and on and on and on. plus people treat it as this big Life Event, where you have to do it if you want to be trans longterm!! and it’s like.... i mean..... cis people are out there getting named Greg because their parents thought it sounded cool when they heard it in a TV show. you know what i mean? most people have shitty names that they only got because they were kinda popular in like 1998 or whatever. if you’re just like “ugh, this name isn’t great but it’s fine, i don’t feel like changing it” i think that’s totally reasonable honestly?? 
i might be really missing the mark, but from the way you talk about it, it sounds like it’s less.... that you Want to change your name and more just like.... it’s an inevitable thing that has to happen, and i don’t think it should feel like that? if you do feel like you want to pick a random ass name just because it raises less questions, that’s totally cool, but i don’t think it has to be something that you force if it makes you miserable to think about. 
also... i mean, personally i have like eight names that get rotated around depending on who i’m talking to hgjfds. sometimes it gets kooky, but if you’re feeling like the name change is just too permanent and big, don’t feel like you have to stick with the choice you have now for the rest of your life?
i hope some of that helps a little, idk!! good luck out there, and i’d love to hear updates!! <3
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funkymbtifiction · 4 years
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IDK who I am?
Ok so this is kind of a whole ass mess, I started off with a question that would make it a useful read for everyone and not a waste of time, but it ended up being a bit of a personal advice question so I hope that’s ok.
What would cause unhealthiness in a type? Most of the time, i feel like i’m a healthy ENTP, but multiple arguments with my ESFJ (or ESTJ?) mom have caused me to seriously doubt myself in many ways over the years. I read that an unhealthy ENTP can be argumentative, unwilling to drop arguments, etc. These are all things my mom tells me I do, along with not taking responsibility and making excuses. I’m 18 now and we don’t argue that much but we did a lot when I was around 13-15 and kind of, ya know, going through it as teenagers do. And since my mom has basically always used these same digs at me, I’ve assumed that maybe that’s the reason that it really hurts whenever those same digs are brought up now, and basically I have a lot of self doubt and am insecure about being an immature version of my type (because that would mean that i’ve been in the wrong in so many instances in my life if everything my mom says about me is true, and i think that sentence in itself proves my mom right in that i don’t like taking accountability.) As I’m typing this, I’m wondering if maybe that fear of being an unhealthy version of my type or admitting my faults could be related to enneagram ?? Anyways, I know that nobody’s perfect and can definitely appear even worse especially in conflict, I just sometimes wonder if i’m unhealthy or a completely different type altogether. That’s another thing, I’m always trying to find an answer to things, but have a hard time settling on just one. This could be another reason for my self-doubt. I guess my question, after that exhausting story, is WHY? I go back and forth between caring or not caring about personality type, but I’m in a particular stage right now where i care and really just wanna know why i am the way i am (i’m in a bit of desperate state of mind rn lol.) I don’t know if i gave enough info for you to answer this, but what causes me to fear failure so much? Does it have to do with being raised by an ESxJ? Or is it related to enneagram? Or something else altogether? Also, am i even an entp?? you’d probably need to know more about me, but from the way I wrote this, could you give me anything? I’m asking for so much right now, I’d honestly be annoyed at me. But I’ve been so unsure about so many things lately and I just want one thing in my life I can be at least a little more sure about.
I’m sorry you are in a place of feeling like you aren’t sure who you are; if it helps, most people who embark on MBTI journeys face that, sooner or later. And it often precedes a period of self-understanding that helps you find your type, because you start focusing on how you respond to things and how you get things done, rather than what others are telling you about yourself, and linking that to specific functions.
So much hyper-focus on what your mom says about you either indicates you are a high feeler (FJ seems more reasonable than FP at this point, since it’s not about defending self from the outside world, but wondering if what others say about you is true; but if you are sure of Ne-dom, I’d look into ENFP also) or in a Fe-loop. EFJs often mistype as ETPs at first, because they don’t realize how much they lack a specific sense of self, because their entire identity is built on how others perceive, relate to, and speak to them. If this has been a persistent concern for as long as you can remember, consider EFJ (most ETPs at your age care way less what others think, and way more about how they can ‘use’ them to get what they want, since Fe is just a tool for them and not a place of ‘being’).
If you are an ENTP, you sound as if you are in a Fe-related loop, excessively ruminating on others’ external views of  you and causing you to wonder if you are really the irresponsible jerk they tell you that you are. To break this loop, you need to get back into Ti and return to building inner frameworks of logical understanding and consistency. Your natural, healthy tendency will be to notice flaws in arguments, belief systems, and logical inconsistencies, and point them out to yourself and others. You should be learning ‘how things work,’ and not worrying so much ‘how others are reacting to me.’
To gain a better understanding of oneself, you need to put your mother’s criticisms into perspective. Is she the sort of person who finds something harsh and critical to say about everyone, all the time? Or is it just you? What is the objective truth in her digs? Can you come up with specific examples of you doing the things she is accusing you of, or is it just generalization on both your part?
Immature (and at 18, you can’t be anything else, cognitively) ETPs are prone to not taking personal responsibility for themselves and making excuses about it, yes. Ti can rationalize, argue, avoid, and shift responsibility away from self (a natural behavior of unhealthy Fe) rather than simply admit, “What I did was wrong, and I’m sorry.” Arguing, for an ETP, is like breathing – they are so good at it, and so self-assured of thinking up an excuse for everything they do in order to justify their “what I want” based thinking, they forget that their “fun banter” is actually seen as “aggressive behavior” from feeling types. (Sherlock is a great example of what I am talking about.)
If you think your mom has a point, and you can come up with times when you did avoid taking personal responsibility, you have a choice – to work on next time refusing to give an excuse, humbling yourself and admitting you didn’t do what you were supposed to do, or you were selfish and ate the last bag of chips in the house, or whatever else she “gets on you” for. You can also start taking “adult initiative” and doing “mature” things around the house, to show her you are taking responsibility for your stuff, your chores, your bills, etc. The only way to convince an ESJ that you are a mature adult is to consistently act like one and show them you are being responsible with your decisions. Part of being a mature adult, regardless of type, is admitting when you are wrong and taking responsibility for the problems/pain you cause.
If she is criticizing / nitpicking needlessly, analyze her and think about her reasons why she might be doing this, or feels the need to bring others down, or is being “hard” on you in particular. There are many factors that go into people’s behaviors. Do you remind her of someone she used to know, who went the wrong way in life, and is she associating your behaviors with that person’s downward path? High Si’s are prone to instant sensory comparisons of that nature. SJs are also highly responsible people, very driven, who have a specific idea of “how the world works,” and how YOU will have to be, to succeed in it. (IE, 9/5 job, be responsible, buy car insurance, save for retirement, take care of your family, etc). This is how and why they clash with the “when I see it, I’ll know I want to do it, and do it for awhile, and then find something else to do” fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants EP types.
With parents, it’s also important to remember their bias. Their opinion of you is just their opinion. What matters more out in the world is what your boss, your coworkers, and other people who have a direct financial impact on you as an adult in the workforce think of you. Your parents have watched you grow up. Seen all the good and bad things. Things that do not matter at all in the workforce, and that nobody knows about, outside the family. Things that do not have to ‘define you’ as an adult. EJ parents can also have a lot of trouble transitioning from being “parent” to “friend” – she is used to being your “mom.” So, prove her wrong. What can you do to show her you’re an adult?
You might also be an Enneagram 9 or 6 (both, Tritype-wise, is likely) which is messing with your ability to have a concrete sense of self.
Once you’re in college, your functions will show clearer. Heavy school work / an environment where you need to please peers and teachers will bring out lower functional development.
- ENFP Mod
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Survey #277
“i think we could reach heaven if we go through hell”
What are you currently listening to? "Heaven" by Solence. Has your father met the boy you currently love? I don’t love a guy, just his memory. I don’t think it’s accurate to say “yeah I love him” when I haven’t spoken to/associated with him since one talk in 2017. Are you closer with your siblings or cousins? My sisters. I barely ever see/talk to my cousins at all. How many people have you really fallen for? Two. Next event you’ll wear a dress to: Probably not ‘til my sister’s wedding next year. Why did you last cry? Oh god it’s so cheesy but it was during the Unus Annus video where Mark, Ethan, and Amy were out in the desert watching Neowise and just talking about life and shit. I legit sat in silence just thinking for a while after I finished it. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? Shit, not even 10 minutes. Sometimes not even five. I don’t do anything special at all, just get dressed, brush teeth, and comb my hair. Would you ever take back someone after they cheated? Nnnnope. How many arguments have you had with the last person you dated? Well considering we jumped back and forth from hating each other to being friends like five times as kids,,,, lmao. But on a serious note, it’s rare now. I don’t exactly count arguments tho. Do you want to see somebody right now? I wanna hang with Sara so bad mayn. Do you get distracted easily? YEAH. Do you think that someone has feelings for you? Yeah. Do you still talk to the person that you last kissed? On the daily. Are you easy to get along with? I think so. I’m chill with such a variety of people that you know you can be free of judgment. The only thing you’d have to understand is how quiet I am and that it does not equate to me being disinterested in you or anything, as people have apparently thought. Have you ever had a pet goldfish? As a kid. Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? Yeah. Are you short? I’m of an average height for someone my gender, age, and nationality or whatever it’s called. Is there anything stressing you out currently? bruuuuuhhhhh I am ALWAYS stressed about something. What’s something that you cannot wait for? This fucking pandemic to end. Just wear your goddamn masks and stay in your fucking houses ‘n shit and maybe we’ll move forward. What was your favorite grade? So it’s super ironic: 7th. Which is when my depression manifested. I just have a lot of good memories with excellent teachers and friends. Are you afraid of shots? “Fear” is the wrong word for it, but there’s certainly a tense feeling before you get one. It’s not the needle that really hurts, it’s whatever medicine is being injected. Always stings. Were you an adorable baby? I was tbh, but I had nothing on my little sister. Nicole was so fucking cute. Are you happy with who you’re becoming? No. Do you want children? No. Do you change your phone background a lot? Not “a lot,” no. Would you rather take a relationship really slow or really fast? Definitely really slow. Really fast is nooot my style. I mean, neither is very slow, but I’d definitely prefer it and feel more secure in it. When applying eyeliner, which eye do you do first? Uhhh I think left? I do this so rarely that I don’t really know lol. How many exes have you talked to today? One. Are you tan? lol hell no. I never have been. Do you use any acne medication? I use a facial scrub to exfoliate and prevent acne, does that count? Is anybody in your family schizophrenic? If so, what is their life like? My half-sister I’ve never met. I know almost nothing about her so can’t answer the second question. Are you likely to crack under peer pressure? Not really, no. Are you emotional or very stoic? I’m emotional as hell. How many states have you lived in? North Carolina has kept me hostage my whole life. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yeah. Who did you last say “I love you” to? Me mum. How do you want to die? Eek, idk man. Part of me says fast as to avoid pain or a gradual, torturous decline in health, but at the same time I want my life to conclude after like… accepting it and not taking my last days for granted. I also don’t want the sudden surprise on my loved ones. Are you scared of spiders? Okay, so this is very situational. If a spider surprises me, I’m most likely going to gasp/scream/curse and try to get away. However, I find them very, very fascinating to watch and are beautiful and some even cute in their own right. I respect their existence and position in the ecosystem. I’ve held a tarantula before and even want two (… or ten) as a pet, so I can’t be THAT scared of them. Oh, and I’m much more likely to be spooked by ones with long legs and particularly small bodies. Idk, it’s weird. Do you have trust issues? fuck YES I do. Who/what was your last dream about? I know Jason was in it, but that’s no surprise. I remember someone randomly trying to kill me again lmao. Who was the last person you cried in front of? I’m sure it was Mom. Who was your last text from? Sara. Do you usually sleep with your closet door open or closed? The fuck is wrong with you if you sleep with it open?????????????? Have you ever "done it" in a hotel room? No. I don’t think we were ever in a hotel together, and besides, it’s p gross imho. I can’t say for sure I wouldn’t lmao but I hope I wouldn’t. Have you ever stolen a street sign before? No, that’s never made sense to me? My sister stole a traffic cone once tho lmao. She legit just wanted to do something sketchy. Highkey badass, amirite. Are you reading any books right now? I’m very slowly reading Wings of Fire: The Dark Secret by Tui T. Sutherland. I’m going through one of my junctures of little reading again, even though I’m enjoying the book as I do with the series. Who was the last person to send you a friend request on Facebook? Some dude I had no mutual friends with or anything. How recently did you wash your hands? Last time I went to the bathroom. Did the last person you kissed have facial hair? No. Who is the most intelligent person you know? Girt. Do you have younger siblings? If you do, are you protective of them? I have one sister younger by two years, and I’d kill for her even if we’re not all that close. What are the other members of your household doing at this moment? I’ve actually been home alone for around two weeks now and am MIRACULOUSLY doing totally fine. My mom had to take an urgent flight to NY because her mom is dying. Sadly much slower than they expected. She’s not in pain due to medicine, but nevertheless, it’s torture for her. She can't do anything. Do you have any neighbors that you don't get along with? Not really, but there is someone to our right that constantly has music playing outside, and sometimes it’s annoying. In the past week, have you slept past midday? No. I can’t remember the last time I did that. Name the last song that made you cry. “Lovely” by Billie Eilish, I think. It reminded me of Jason. Do you use Twitter? Not really, no. I only ever check it to look at Mark’s lmao what a shocker. The last time something scared you, what was it? One of my nightmares last night. A huge spider was hurrying towards my face from the wall and I actually scrambled out of bed irl, therefore nearly passing out bc I can't get up fast w/o getting extremely dizzy, oof. Who was your first best friend? Brianna. Are you still friends anymore? On Facebook, anyway. We haven’t talk-talked in many years. Who is your best friend right now? Sara. How old were you when you found out what sex was? I was in the 4th or 5th grade, whatever age you are then. I definitely learned later than most, it seems. Had no idea until sex ed in school. Name one quirk you have that drives people crazy? I pace badly, and I’ve been told by numerous people it makes them anxious. Who is your favorite Disney villain? Probably Scar. You gotta admit his scheme was pretty clever, and he had a BUMPIN song. Would you have children if a surrogate could carry it for you? No, I still wouldn’t. Do you have an account for any social platform that you rarely/never use? Yeah, like Twitter. What do you most frequently take photos of? Nature. Do you ever wear hats? What does your favorite hat look like? No. Have you tried any foods or drinks for the first time today? Which? No. Does anyone close to you smoke cigarettes? My dad. What was the last song you heard, that made you feel nostalgic? Motionless In White recently covered "Somebody Told Me" by The Killers. Is it awkward when you run into your ex? I don’t run into any of them. Do you prefer pasta, salad, or coleslaw? Oh, totally pasta. Coleslaw is fucking disgusting. Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again? I hope. Would you rather pierce your tongue or lip? I have a vertical labret and did have snake eyes, and I adore(d) both; however, I prefer my lip ring. It’s like, a part of my identity by now lmao. Last time you were attacked by an animal? I don’t think an animal has ever seriously hurt me, instead only through playing too rough. I get scratches from Roman every now and again from it. How many times have you been engaged (if any at all)? Never. Have you ever been called something and you didn’t know what it meant? So one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever done is accidentally agree to being a martyr, because at the time, I thought it only meant like, you’d die for what you stand for, which in most serious cases, I would. I didn’t know that wasn’t the kind he meant; he meant I was trying to make shit all about me and throw a pity party about the breakup. I didn’t learn that was the “common day” definition until a long time after when I was no longer in contact with this person. Are your eyes sensitive to sunlight? VERY VERY VERY. Have you ever been busted for underage drinking? No. Do you have a picture of you and your lover kissing? I don’t have a “lover.” Have you witnessed a fight at school? So shortly after returning to class in the 10th grade, a girl deadass got stabbed in the neck during a fight nearby my classroom. I (nor my classmates) actually saw it, just heard. Safe to say the assailant was expelled, and the other girl was lucky to have her throat missed, though that was apparently what the other girl was aiming for. She went to the hospital of course, and that’s all I know. Who did you last get into a big argument with? Probably Mom. Do you drink lots of water? Sigh, no. What was the worst feeling you last felt? Before my last period I had a day of such bad cramping that I decided to go back on birth control. I originally started it for that but stopped to see how it would affect my mood, and now I absolutely need it back. Interested in anyone at the moment? Yeah. Do you know people with your last name that you aren't related to? Besides historical people, no. Are you guilty of texting while driving? ”I don’t drive, but I am so against doing that. Please don’t. It only takes a second of distraction for something to go wrong. Keep your eyes on the damn road.” <<<< This right fuckin here. Have you ever caused a lot of noise in a library? No. What was the last thing that completely took your breath away? I don’t know. When playing rock, paper, scissors which do you usually pick? Uhhh I think scissors? Have you ever tried to write a book? Yes, but they’re all projects I abandoned. Have you ever been hit by a chunk of hail? Not that I recall, no. Do you have high standards? Honestly yes when it comes to relationships (which is what I assume you’re talking about). Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle? Yeah. Do you know how to snap your fingers? Uh, yeah. Do you plan your outfits for the next day or just randomly choose? I choose on the spot, usually. Are you a bossy person? Definitely not. Is it true that if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love another? I fucking hate that statement. It’s absolute bullshit.
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adhdisgay · 5 years
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Are you straight? Since you're bi but call yourself gay, I'm curious how often you call yourself straight.
I am not straight, thank you for asking!  0% of that here.  I never refer to myself as straight because that is not what I am.
I personally switch around labels a lot just depending on how I’m feeling at the time.  I would rather not pick a label if I’m being completely honest, but I’ll call myself queer or bi/gay if needed since sometimes labels are helpful
the reason I go back on forth on bi and gay is just that I’m still figuring out my own identity.  it’s also hard because ‘gay’ isn’t the most inclusive term, but it fits the most when describing certain situations?  more people are familiar with gay, plus it just sounds better sometimes.  idk, if I find an individual attractive I’m more likely to say “wow, I’m gay” than “wow, I’m bi.”
it’s different for everyone!  I know for sure that I find girls/nonbinary pals attractive, but I’m still testing out my attraction to men.  it’s why I feel more comfortable using gay/queer, but will use bi every now and then.  it also depends on who I’m talking to- I’m more open about my different labels with other LGBTQ+ folks, but when talking to family will just say gay and stick with it.
it’s just a big mess, but at the end of the day the one thing I do know is that I am Not Straight :)  
I also want to clarify something since your wording had me a bit confused: a lot of bi/pan folks will call themselves in gay in different situations, that’s not just something I do!  it happens since ‘gay’ is often used as an umbrella term for the whole LGBTQ+ community in everyday conversations since the acronym can get long.  HOWEVER being bi/pan/queer does not = a certain percentage of being gay and a certain percentage of being straight.  
if a bi person calls themselves gay sometimes, it doesn’t mean that they are also straight.  they are still bi (or bi/gay!).  even when they are attracted to a different gender, that is a queer attraction because they are a queer person (if they use the term queer).  
all in all it’s very confusing but you know what?  we’re figuring it out.  but no, I am not straight and do not call myself straight.  thanks!
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snarkandsarcasmftw · 4 years
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8, 20, 42, 50
Oh yay! Thank you!
8. Favorite trope to write.
I bet you think you KNOW what I’m going to say here, right? Well, I do love writing alpha x omega, but.. I’m getting to this point where like.. I truly enjoy writing the whole “i’m your best friend but i secretly love you” friends to lovers tropes. I mean not only that, but if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m just not that great at writing alpha x omega despite all attempts. I enjoy doing it, I just feel like I can do better with friends to lovers. So, I’m gonna say friends to lovers.
20. Post a snippet of a WIP you’re working on.
Meep! Okay, so like.. I mentioned this idea to you last night in DM’s and I’ve been kinda... Idk, toying with it today while jumping back and forth between other docs and so far, this is probs the juciest part of that ‘love at first sight uuuber mushy’ Jungle Boy thing I’m writing. 
“Bianca Rose!” her sister was calling out her name and Bianca bit her lip, grumbling quietly under her breath as her cheeks heated even more in a blush. “I swear, just because she’s 32 and I’m only 20.. She acts like my mom. It’s annoying.” Bianca wanted to kick herself because there she went, babbling like some stupid idiot. She fell quiet, gazing up at him instead. The wind blew some of those wild curls into his mouth and giving a soft giggle, she reached out before she could even stop herself and smoothed the curls behind his ear, muttering a quiet and sheepish apology. 
Jungle Boy chuckled and nodded. “ It’s okay, you’re good. I’m Jack, by the way.” he introduced himself. For a second or two, he considered attempting a Janela type smooth line where he pointed out the irony in their names and the fact that they were on a cruise, but he refused to go that route, fairly sure it would be ana awkward fail on his part.
42.How do you figure out your characters looks, personality, etc.
Sometimes the character comes to me before anything else and insists on being used. And that’s usually triggered by seeing a random picture of someone on the internet or I hear a song or something and an image kind of comes from that, or I’m writing and keep trying to write a character one way but I keep hitting walls while doing it until I try a different way and it works. I feel like this is rambly and makes zero sense. Basically, I kind of just let them figure themselves out as I write them. Which is both fun and frustrating as fuck.
50. Weirdest story idea you’ve ever had.
Ahhhh. this is actually a needed question because maybe if I get it out of me it will leave me alone. This is just one of many that have been tormenting me lately but I refuse to sit down and plan them out bc I know I’d never do them well.
Okay, so like... I’ve wanted to write something using wrestlers that’s not a wrestling centered fic at all. I cannot remember where I got the idea, but anyway.. Character A ( the oc) is basically promised to one guy, we’ll call him B (Usually Jay White)  and has to marry him. Idk why ( i get the feeling it has something to do with money and power and merging families to build a powerful alliance), but yeah. The problem here is that she’s in love with Character C ( the end game pairing for her and more often than not when I think of this, it’s Hangman) and they’ve been sneaking around for literally years. Well, Character B ( usually Switchblade bc the feud with him and Hangman) catches on to it and he tries to set a trap. He also has people trying to get rid of Character C, so subsequently, Character C and a PREGNANT character A wind up going on the run... And settling down in this town in the middle of nowhere, changing their names / identities building a whole new life together with each other... I really haven’t given it much thought beyond this initial idea, but idk if I’ll ever write it either, because I feel like so many have already done this and done it a thousand times better that I’d probably fuck it up somehow. No, I’d definitely fuck it up somehow.
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