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#like i would feel bad leaving my mum w this bad empty house to deal w but... its in her name and it is her house
mochilici0us · 4 years
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One New Message | jjk (4)
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➳ 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲: angst, thriller, stalker au
➳ 𝘀𝘆𝗻𝗼𝗽𝘀𝗶𝘀: Skye realizes she has to deal with a ruthless stalker when the messages she’s constantly receiving are getting more and more threatening. A stalker that makes her recall memories of the past she swore she would never rake up again
➳ 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 2,5k
prologue, part one, part two, part three, part four
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April 2013
''Skye can you pass me the milk please?'' my father kindly requests while we enjoy our breakfast. They enjoy to be exact. I can hardly take part in their conversation, my mind is away.
My eyes can't stop following her skinnier, exhausted figure moving from the kitchen to the dining haul and serving breakfast.
Something's up these days, she avoids eye contact with me at all costs, we haven't even talked properly. She's acting cold towards me just muttering a few weak goodmornings and goodnights. Yeah, those are the only words I've exchanged with my ''best friend'', not even a little talk to catch up with each other's news.
''Ruby can you fetch me some honey?'' my mother yells so that Ruby listens from the kitchen. A few seconds after she appears holding a jar of honey. Even her walk is stiff, I'm genuinely concerned about her health.
''Here you are'' I'm sure she can feel my burning gaze as she leaves the honey on the table and finally after a week our eyes meet.
Shit, she looks so pale, dark circles under her red eyes, chipped lips, I can even practically see her facial bones. To my surprise she doesn't look annoyed or angry. She just glances at me tiredly, as if she had quit living.
My piercing gaze on the other hand is anything but calm and sympathetic. She's clearly sick, something's eating her alive and instead of sharing her concerns with me she stays away?
Our eye contact lasts only for a few seconds but it's strong enough to show my restrained rage.
She realizes it immediately, averts her gaze and leaves like the coward she is.
''This weekend I'm leaving on an unexpected business trip'' my father announces and takes a sip of his coffee right after
''Again? You were on a business trip last week'' my mother fires back
''Do you think it's up to me? For your information I'd rather stay home and relax with my family''
''I don't mean it's your fault I just...''
''You make me feel terrible every time I have to tell you about a businesstrip. I can't talk to my family without restrictions anymore Christen''
''Ok I'm sorry don't get mad'' my mother lowers her eyes and apologises quickly before my father gets more angry.
Sometimes I admire my dad. He's so manipulative but not in a bossy way, he always prevails upon my mother with sensible arguments, voice laced with sweetness.
He's so diplomatic, no doubt he has built such a great career
''Darling why are you not eating?'' my mother remarks as I fiddle with the spoon. The bowl of granola cereals is untouched.
''I have no appetite. I have to go to school anyway, I'm late'' I pretendto study my watch and stand up
''Do you want me to come with you?'' my father suggests
''Nο it's ok I can walk''
''Skye are you sure everything's ok?'' I hear my mother's voice as I head towards the living room to grab my backpack.
''I'm fine mum I just didn't sleep well. See you later''
As I'm about to exit alone Ruby appears out of nowhere. Her body posture screams nervousness.
''You didn't eat your breakfast'' she speaks quietly biting her already chopped lips
She's been avoiding me for a week and now she pretends to be a thoughtful friend. She made me feel depressed, cry myself to sleep thinking what the hell I did wrong and now she plays dumb?
I just stay still without answering, my intense eyes glued to her wandering ones. She doesn't even dare to look at my eyes.
She clears her throat ''Here''she takes a fresh hand-made sandwich out of her pocket and extends her hand. I eye her hand without moving an inch.
''You can eat it instead. You look like a sceleton'' I spit my venom and walk out of my house without sparing her a glance.
It was too late when I realized what I had said.
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''I love spaghetti but my mother never cooks. My dad says she cooks terrible but that's a secret'' Grace's friend Lisa whispers and pretends to seal her lips. She's so cute.
''Don't worry your secret is safe''
She nods and digs into her food again. Under other circumstances I wouldn't have cooked but today Susan picked up both Grace and Lisa so I couldn't disoblige her. Her puppy eyes gave me enough courage to get up and cook even though I'm still in a cast.
The three of us are sitting in the dining table and enjoying my home-made bolognese spaghetti. I was never good at cooking, I couldn't cook to save my life to be exact but I had to learn how for Grace. So I practiced and practiced till I reached my goal, I didn't want to become the new master chef, just learn how to cook some basic things so that Grace eats home-made food. In the beginning I would constantly fail but practice makes perfect.
''Eat your veggies as well girls'' I gesture at the bowl of salad.
They both nod like good girls and do as I say. They're so freaking adorable. Lisa has short black hair with bangs and chocolate brown eyes. She's small but taller than Grace. She comes by often, most of the times I pick her up from school as well since Grace and her are classmates.
Her favorite foods are spaghetti, steak with baby potatoes and vegetable fried rice. Let's not forget my signature fruit smoothie which I always serve with vanilla frosting cupcakes.
We always sit and eat together, exchanging news, telling jokes. I really enjoy their interactions, they look like two tiny dumplings.
"What did you do in school today?" I ask intertwining my fingers
"We drew our dream gardens, mine has a huge swimming pool" Lisa hurries to answer
"Mine has a plenty of colorful flowers and a big telescope on the center to admire the stars. And the Sky. Sky as we say Skye" Grace jokes shyly, puffing her flushed cheeks. Lisa bursts into a laughter once she gets the joke.
"Good one Grace" I wink at my little sister who resembles a puppy waiting for a praise.
After a while we're finally done with the food. I really missed cooking and eating my own food, Susan cooks pretty decently as well but I was craving so bad for some of my spaghetti.
''Did you enjoy your meal girls?'' I eye the empty plates
''Yeah!''they both cheer
''Go to play now while I prepare your fruits''
The two small kitties obey and walk towards the room wiggling their small butts. I can't help but chuckle at them.
My eyes land on the dirty dining table as I sigh disappointed, washing the dishes is definitely the worst part of cooking and eating. No matter how much I enjoy preparing food and trying new recipes, the process of cleaning after is terrible. I'm going to wash the dishes later I think and slowly proceed to my big kitchen to cut fruits for the girls, my hands holding the crutches tight.
Being on my feet isn't the best idea whatsoever but tomorrow I'm having my cast removed so my ankle is pretty much healed.
I go for strawberries, bananas and pears and also pick two colorful bowls.
As I already mentioned tomorrow I'm having my cast removed. My stomach twitches in anticipation. Will he be there? Two weeks have passed but I still find myself thinking of him before sleeping even though the picture of him is blurry and distant. Just a memory, a distant picture of him is enough to keep me up at night...
I brush away these thoughts and throw the fruits into the bowls, adding some honey on top and voila! A quick and healthy sweet fruit salad.
"Girls come on" I yell and wait for the two little ones to arrive, trying to distract my mind from unwanted thoughts.
What I know for sure is that tomorrow is a big day....
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"You're finally able to walk again, I'm so happy'' Susan cheers and hugs me tight as we exit the hospital. Unfortunately I didn't have my cast removed by the pretty doctor, he didn't even appear to be exact.
Disappointed but not suprised
The young cute nurse was there though, she recognized me and even greeted me, I was THIS close to ask about him but my pride didn't allow me.
''How are you feeling?'' Her hand strokes my back
''Weird'' I respond eyeing my healed ankle ''I was used to walking on crutches''
Indeed last 2 weeks I would only walk using my crutches, they had become a part of my routine. I certainly feel better now though, well-rested,healthy, ready to return to reality.
''Let's go, I'm treating you to brunch.. There are so many things we have to catch up on after''
''W-what do you mean?'' I stutter scared because I have a feeling that I already know her answer
''Shopping therapy of course''
Oh no...
''Susan are you kidding I just removed my cast''
''Sweetheart you know I wouldn't drag you along unless I had a reason. Next Tuesday is Yoongi's birthday party, we have to get our outfits''
''Yoongi's birthday...'' I scratch my sculpt looking at her sheepishly''I totally forgot, I'm sorry''
''It's ok, you're coming anyway''
''What about-''
''Taehyung's gonna take care of your sister don't worry'' she cuts me off as if she had read my thoughts
I nod, it's rude to deny the invitation
''Yoongi's friends are really handsome and some of them are single so don't think you're getting off. We have to find a cute outfit for you as well... now let's eat'' I roll my eyes but agree rubbing my stomach that hasn't stopped rumbling and finally get in her car .
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''It's stunning'' I examine the purple midi dress Susan's holding. The material is silk, it appears glamorous, expensive and the embellished straps detail completes the look.
''Should I try it on?'' she hesitates
''Of course, purple looks amazing on you'' That's true, the contrast between her ginger hair, green eyes and the purple colour is definitely unique. Purple flatters every single of her characteristics.
''Let's find something for you'' her eyes wander around the store
''I gained weight these days so I should go for something baggy''
''No Skye, you should go for something sexy yet sick that emphasizes your cleavage. Your boobs got bigger, thankfully'' she whispers the last word and rolls her eyes
''Susan'' I whisper yell covering my breasts with my hands ''Did they?'' I rethink my friend's comment. Indeed I've noticed a slight development. This whole weight gaining story had a positive result at least.
Once I realise where my hands are and how the rest of the customers look at me probably thinking I'm a horny pervert I instantly lower them and grab the first dress I lay my eyes on.
''This one is perfect yes'' Susan practically runs towards me ''It's very elegant and the lace detail makes it sensual. You're definitely trying it on''
I take a closer look at the dress I picked out on random. It's certainly cute, off shoulder, midi, black with lace but tight as hell
''Isn't it way too tight? I think it's gonna accentuate every single bloated part of my body''
''Try it out you have nothing to lose. Besides the party is in 5 days, you have plenty of time to search for a dress''
''There's no way I'm going through this again. It's either today or I'm coming wearing my Pjs'' I announce and make my way to the fitting rooms determined. I can hear Susan mumbling a few curses, probably blaming me for being grumpy and stubborn.
''Excuse me'' an assistant approaches us
''There's only one fitting room available. I'm afraid you have to wait for a while''
''No problem, Susan you go first''
''Are you sure?''
I nod and sit in the comfortable blue chair that matches the rest of the decoration and furnishings of the store.
This showroom is excellently designed, the minimal yet eccentric blue décor casts an air of originality as the majority of stores follow a consistent pattern. No wonder it's Susan's favorite showroom, modern decor, excellent service and the clothing here is feminine, figure-friendly just like the dress I'm holding.
I'm so absorbed in gaping at the interior decoration that I don't notice my friend standing in front of me.
''Hey, earth to Skye'' she wiggles her fingers in front of my face
''Sorry'' I take my time studying her figure. ''I really like it. It's ideal for your body type and the colour is gorgeous''
The violet silk dress looks perfect on her, the semi tight fit shows up her toned silhouette, the swarovski embellished spaghetti straps together with the V neck flaunt her beautiful collarbones.
''I think it looks lovely too'' the cheerful, helpful assistant comments
''Yeah I like it'' she stares at the mirror
''You can use that fitting room'' the girl gestures at an empty room smiling. How are they always so kind and happy?''It's free now''
''Thank you'' I smile back and give a long sigh standing up from the soft chair.
Reluctantly I undress myself and wear the cute midi dress. It's tight but not as much as I expected. Well it's not that bad after all, I still need Susan's opinion though and a closer look in the big mirror. A few seconds later I'm out and heading for the mirror.
''Wow'' Susan talks ''It looks... stunning''
The dress hugs my body flawlessly, emphazising my curves. The off-shoulder design is very cute but sexy at the same time because my cleavage is shown off perfectly and I'm not even wearing a push up bra. I never thought I'd look that attractive in a dress.
''It fits you like a dream. You're definitely buying it'' Susan insistsand the assistant agrees
It's elegant yet sexy. Sexy in a non provocative way since it shows off only the right places.
''I think I'm getting this one'' I finally decide and Susan winks excitedly
''Hurry up we have to go for heels as well''
''Heels? Ha''  A humorless laugh leaves my lips
''You're laughing? What are you planning to wear with this dress then?'' she crosses her arms.
Her question catches me off guard but I act cool ''Flats? I don't care, anything but heels''
She laughs sarcastic lifting a shaped eyebrow ''Flats? If you plan to wear flat shoes on my husband's party I inform you that you're not invited''
I simply pout, my eyes pleading for mercy
''Come on Skye it's a party, a bussines kinda party you don't have to walk or dance. You can deal with heels under these circumstances I'm sure''
''Okay'' I sigh defeated meeting her gaze. There's no point in agruing, she's right I need heels with the apparel I chose.
''Hurry up then'' she scolds and enters the fitting room.
Have I mentioned how much I hate shopping with my best friend?
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izzy-b-hands · 4 years
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London By Night, Chapter Six
Brunch, girls’ days out, lads’ days in, and sometimes the best therapy comes from four people who are your friends but also whom you work for (at least in lieu of actual therapy, and during a brunch with weak mimosas.) 
Also Chrissie takes on Y/N’s mum in a wonderful yet polite way while Rico Nasty’s ‘Smack A Bitch’ plays essentially. She’s a fuckin’ rock star in her own right in this chapter (who does not smack anyone, but like...the Tension is there lmao.) 
tw for misgendering, weight talk (...look we’re just not. gonna talk abt what of my own issues w/my mum I’m working out here. It’s just. happening and I’m rolling w/it.), casual transphobia and microaggressions from Y/N’s mum. Pretty frank descriptions and discussion of emotional abuse and fear of physical abuse. This one is...heavy. Take care in reading, y’all. Have a mug of something warm maybe (or cold? it’s summer and I’m melting constantly, have something comforting let’s say.) It exhausted me mentally and emotionally to write, so...yeah. Take it slow reading it if needed, or avoid if it’s too heavy. 
We are eventually going to get to some lightness again in this fic, I promise!
also I can’t decide how I wanna spell John’s nickname, so I just winged it and decided on one spelling at random here lol. 
My love to all who read/like/reblog!
“This is the emergency?” you scoffed, staring at the dishes and plates piled high with breakfast foods on the coffee table in Brian’s sitting room.
“Yeah,” Roger grinned. “We’ve got this lovely brunch, and two more place settings that are empty, and well, now here you both are!” 
“Did you do this just to get her off our backs and into a hotel?” you asked.
“Well, that and I wanted breakfast,” Roger replied. “So I called up Brian and Chrissie, and we got to work; John brought toast-” 
John nodded, a piece of it in his mouth while he reached for a scone. 
“And now here we are! And after a night of dealing with her, you need something like this.” 
“Wasn’t all dealing with her,” Freddie grinned, and you gave him a light jab in the ribs. “Was dealing with someone else too.” 
“Is that what you’re calling it now?” you teased. “Are you going to ‘deal with me’ later, since the flat will be ours alone again?” 
“Down, you two,” Brian laughed. 
“Or you’ll get the hose?” 
“He’ll do it,” Roger said far too seriously, and you wondered exactly what story hid behind that comment. 
But there was no time to ask, as a sudden loud knock on the door startled you all. 
“Who on earth?” Brian muttered, and tried to lean from his seat to look out the front window. “That’s a cab leaving. Who else would be coming here by cab?” 
Your hands shook slightly as it dawned on you, and you set down the plate you’d started to fill with food. 
“Oh fucking hell,” Roger spat, looking through the spyhole of the front door. “Guess who?” 
You carefully but quickly moved from your seat near John, and started for the back door. 
“No, Y/N,” Freddie called, scrambling up to retrieve you. “Be calm. It’s going to be alright.” 
The knocking was more insistent now, just as loud as before. 
“She’ll wear her knuckles through the damned door,” Roger muttered. “Ridiculous.” 
“I’m calm, you said. “Perfectly calm. It’s just that she’s here, and she shouldn’t be because we just left her at the hotel, and how did she even fucking find us-” 
“I love you, but this is the exact opposite of calm,” Freddie cut you off as you babbled. “We’ll get you out of here. Now, she might see us out the back door somehow, so Brian, which upstairs window would you suggest is easy enough for us to climb out of?” 
“What?” Brian frowned. “None of them, because you can’t climb out my fucking windows and go running across the roof?” 
“Now Brian, we’ve talked about refusing new ideas without even trying them and how detrimental that can be-” 
“Yeah, in regards to like...new food in new places while on tour,” Brian interrupted. “Not about you clambering about the rooftop via my windows!” 
“Necessity demands it, Brian!” 
“Even if it did, the back door is still the only option!” Brian sighed, clearly exasperated. “Is she that bad?” 
Roger nodded, eyes wide open as he walked back to the table, snagged a full champagne flute of mimosa, and drained it. . 
“Well, I can’t just leave her out there!” Brian protested, heading for the door. 
“What is all this racket?” Chrissie asked as she ran from downstairs to the door. “All of you that sloshed already you can’t answer the door? There’s barely any champagne in the mimosas...” 
“Chrissie no!” Whether Roger was bemoaning her opening the door or the lack of extra champagne in the mimosas you weren’t sure, but it didn’t matter if it was just one or both, as your mother waltzed in as if she owned the place. 
“Y/N! You left me no phone number to reach you at, and I have a question about the hotel, an important one!” 
“Yes?” you asked, hoping it was actually important.
“Well, I need to know if the hotel serves breakfast, because I am hungry, but you both left in such a hurry! So I had the concierge help me get the same cab you both used, and then I told him I was meant to have gone with you, and that nice gentleman drove me here! But look at all this! Is this the ‘tour emergency’ you were called to solve?” 
“We’re discussing that issue over brunch,” Brian said quickly. 
“They are,” Chrissie immediately backed him, and you wanted to hug her. “So, you’re Y/N’s mother? I’ve been able to hear from upstairs, Y/N has told the boys so much about you!” 
“All good?” your mother asked, a hint of ice in her voice. 
But Chrissie was a natural, or at least wasn’t about to be talked down to in her own home. “Of course! You know, since you mentioned breakfast; I was going to meet Brian’s mum in about an hour for an early lunch. But you could surely come with us; we could even leave early, do some shopping, if you’ve any favorite shops you’d like to stop at.” 
“I’ve never been here before,” your mother said in a voice that rudely insinuated Chrissie should somehow have magically known that.
“Even better!” Chrissie caught your eye and gave a near-imperceptible nod of assurance. “In fact, why not make it a girls’ trip, since the boys have taken over the space here for work? Rog, John? Why not call up your mums, see if they’d like to have a girls’ day out!” 
Roger and John obediently stood and went to the phone, but you couldn’t relax yet. All this was doing was exposing her to more people, surely-
“I’ll call Mary,” Freddie’s voice interrupted your on-the-verge-of-derailing train of thought. “She’d love to join you all, I’m sure.” 
“The more the merrier,” Chrissie said warmly, but you tried to flash him a look that read ‘no’ regardless. Adding in more people couldn’t be the solution. 
Freddie only shook his head at you, and went to wait his turn for the phone, while Chrissie pulled your mother into the kitchen for a cup of tea. 
“You okay?” Brian asked softly as he sat back in his seat. 
“Do you have a sinkhole in the garden I could jump into?” 
“We’ve not had the sinkhole put in yet, sorry,” he smiled sweetly. “I really think this will be better than you must be imagining. Maybe this will help her loosen up, get her off of your back for a bit.” 
“You’re all very kind to me, and to her,” you said. “But she’s not that easily handled. She never has been, and eventually everyone hits their breaking point with her.” 
“Then we’ll just hope that she’s on her way home before any of us reach that point,” Brian said. “Don’t stress more over it, you’ll only do yourself in.” 
“Okay,” you mumbled, and dropped your head into your hands as you went back to your seat. 
“Have a scone, breathe. You’ll be fine, everything will be.” 
You broke off a piece of the scone he handed you and jammed it into your mouth. It was good, but you knew you’d only start to feel better and safe once she was out of the house. 
“They all said yes!” Freddie chirped as he came back in and sat down beside you. “Oh, you look like you’re about to cry. Please don’t, it’s really going to be alright.” 
“That’s what I said,” Brian replied, distracted by something as he leaned back in his seat to look into the kitchen. “I think I get what you’re talking about with her now. How she is, all that.” 
“How so?” Freddie asked.
“Well, Chrissie is shooting me her ‘christ almighty come save me’ look, and that’s only used in desperate times, so-” 
You interrupted him with a frustrated groan, and shoved another bit of scone in your mouth to hold off the tears. 
“I’ll go in and help her out, give her a break for a moment,” Brian said. “Probably good I get to know your mum too, if I’m going to help deal with her, right?” 
“Flawed thinking,” Roger warned as he came back into the room and dropped into the nearest seat (John’s, as it happened.) “I fell for it too, last night. But go on, join us in our misery.” 
Brian rolled his eyes and started towards the kitchen, John popping back in and taking his chair as soon as he was up. 
“So...you know the rest of this brunch is you telling us all about her, right? We can’t talk about anything else now.” 
You sighed. “What all do you want to know?” 
“Everything! Has she always been like this? If so, do you know why? And if you don’t know, why don’t you? Did you do something to her, did someone else? Did-” 
“Deacy,” Roger said.��“One at a time; he’s already a mess! And let’s at least wait until she leaves.” 
“And what are we to talk about in the meantime?” John scoffed.
“Saw a squirrel fighting a bird for a bit of biscuit on someone’s lawn this morning,” Roger said. “How about that?” 
John thought for a moment, then nodded. “Who won?” 
Before Roger could reply, your mother swooped back in, Brian and Chrissie right behind her. 
“So, Y/N, I am being treated to a girls’ day out!” she squealed happily. 
Brian rolled his eyes, and shot you a sympathetic look.
“Now, I just wanted to address...” she continued. “I mean, well. It’s for girls, and you...technically...I mean you are, or were, but you are and aren’t and um. I don’t want you to feel bad that you aren’t coming with, you know, but...I mean, if we were designating it by what’s in our pants, it might be different, and-” 
You had never witnessed a shared group look of terror, but it was a hell of a thing to see as it enveloped everyone, as it dawned on them what she was trying to say. 
“Y/N is a part of our uh...call it a lads’ day in,” John interrupted before she could blather any more. “Also, part of tour prep as a member of the road crew.” 
You nodded, fighting off the anxiety attack threatening to break forth. 
“So no need for apologies or worries or anything else,” Roger added. “You’re doing your thing, having your day, and he’s here with us having his, all is well.” 
“I know, but-” your mother started. 
“If you’re worried about the boys keeping busy and entertained,” Chrissie interrupted. “Don’t. They keep each other plenty busy, don’t you all?” 
As you nodded with the rest of the guys, you wished you could thank her now for taking your mother head on like she was. She certainly was under no obligation to do so, but she had, and it was the kindest gift she could have given you, someone she barely knew. 
Your mother opened her mouth yet again, but Brian didn’t let her get a syllable out. 
“You know, we have a cat! Y/N mentioned you like cats. Squeaky is out in the garden, you ought to go meet her.” 
“That is a wonderful idea,” Chrissie agreed, bouncing up on her feet to give him a kiss before gently but steadily taking your mother by the arm and leading her out to the garden. 
As she left, the tension in the room went with her. 
“Right, so the squirrel won,” Roger said. “But back to Deacy’s questions, and I’ll echo one of them as politely as I can: what in the fuck is her problem?” 
You laughed. You couldn’t help it; you’d reached a breaking point with the oddness of it all and how horrendous you feared it might turn the longer your mother was around. “You’re asking me?” 
Roger nodded.
“If I knew, I would have found a way to do something about it by now,” you continued. “Trust me. I’d love to say she would try therapy, or something to work on herself, but she won’t. So we’ll likely never have an answer to that question. And even if we did get one, she’d find a way to make it someone else’s fault. God, I have...years of stories, that rightfully no one wants to hear, of frustration and anger over dealing with her and the hurt I’ve hung onto and-scones! Are my favorite, I just can’t help myself around them.” 
Your mother walked back in just in time for the last sentence, and smirked. “I think they can see that. Y/N has always had a bit of a tummy, but you’re working on it now, right? You always said you wanted to slim down after you started all of-” 
She made a gesture towards her own chest and crotch. “That ‘stuff.’ Be a shame to waste all the hard work those doctors put in for you, all over a few extra cookies you couldn’t say no to. And not to mention the money you paid! My goodness-” 
A car horn honked outside, and Roger darted up to look out the window. “Ah! There’s my mum with the car. Looks like she picked up the rest of the ladies first too! Right on to shopping then, how exciting!” 
You wanted to laugh, because he sounded the exact opposite of excited for shopping, but bless him, he was putting in the work to try. 
“Let’s get moving!” Chrissie had one hand on your mother’s shoulder urging her to the front door, the other taking her purse from Brian as he handed it to her. “Usual rules, boys. No fist fights, no live munitions, no setting the house on fire, no overfeeding the cat! We’ll see you all later!” 
Brian laughed and shook his head as they left, but pulled her close for just a moment to whisper something to her. 
“If you don’t mind, can I ask what you told her?” you asked. “Told her to resist the urge to kill my mum?” 
“No,” Brian said. “Just told her to call if she should need us. Maybe could have tacked that on though.” 
“Chrissie wouldn’t get caught anyway,” Roger said. “She’s a smart woman.” 
“I can’t decide if that’s reassuring or not, Rog,” Brian said with a slight frown. 
“Save you the decision, it is,” Roger replied. “Now. Y/N, you mentioned stories. Let’s hear them. The first ever Queen therapy brunch has officially begun, and we won’t even charge you.” 
You laughed, but shrugged. “Are you guys sure you want to hear all this? You don’t have to let me vent, and it’s probably not healthy to do it this way...” 
“You’re in a safe place, and we’re giving you permission to vent to us,” Brian said. “Go for it.” 
“We’ll need tea,” Freddie fretted. “What’s out here has gone cold, Brian-” 
“I’ve got it,” Brian smiled. “I’ll put some on, you all get started. If you talk loud enough, Y/N, I can hear you from the kitchen.” 
“I...I don’t know where to start,” you hesitated. “No one has ever really let me just...talk about it. I mean, looking back, there were days where she was my hero. She taught me to be kind, to love others, to treat people and animals well and with respect. She would do nice things for me, like make my favorite dinner or buy me a toy.” 
They all nodded, and it was both odd and nice to have people clearly listening and caring. 
“Then other days...she was a nightmare. I was honestly terrified of her. She never laid a hand on me, but she didn’t have to. When she got mad or frustrated or felt I’d done something wrong, and some days mind you, I couldn’t do anything right in her eyes...I’d always fear she would finally hit me. I still do, sometimes. But the yelling was enough. Some days it was just shaming and lecturing. But it always makes me feel lesser. Like I’m not human enough. Or like I’m too much to deal with to be around anyone.” 
Their soft smiles at your opening up had faded, replaced with winces and looks of horror. 
“Y/N...” Freddie said softly. “How long have you been hanging onto all this?” 
“Does it matter?” you shrugged. “She’ll never apologize for any of it. She doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong. Ask her about today, and I guarantee you, she won’t see that she did anything wrong with how she’s acted. This is how it’s always been, and probably always will be whenever she’s around. It’s so...heavy. I’ve been carrying her whenever she needed carrying, in addition to holding myself up, and my back has broken from it so many times already...but it doesn’t ever matter. I get back up, and I keep going forward, because that’s what I’ve always done.” 
“This isn’t right,” John said, an undercurrent of anger in his voice, even as he gently took a cup of tea from Brian, who was playing waiter as he handed them out. “I want to talk to her.” 
“I appreciate that,” you said quickly. “But you wouldn’t be the first. Some of my doctors tried. Stayed up late, due to the time difference, and called her all the way from Europe, while I was over here for all my transitioning things. She played along long enough to placate them, then yelled at me later saying they made her feel like a bad mother.” 
You threw up your hands. “And the worst bit? Today was a relatively tame day for her. Roger knows it, he got the brunt of a bad day with her last night.” 
Roger nodded. “Would you like to know how the rest of our conversation went last night, while you and Freddie were out getting dinner?” 
You winced. “Yes, and no?” 
“Very well,” Roger said. “I was trying to talk to her more about how much you’d enjoyed the Tate, and how happy you were here, how happy you make Freddie, how happy he makes you. Trying to get her to see things from your perspective, to help her worry less, you know?” 
“Thank you,” you said.
“Well, don’t thank me, because it didn’t work,” Roger scoffed, and grabbed another full flute to sip from. “She started going on about ‘what about her, and her feelings, and I could never understand how she feels and we don’t know you well enough to really get it all’ and I-” 
He took another sip. “I admit, I got upset on your behalf. I reminded her that you’re an adult, and you deserve to go out and live your life as you want. She claimed not to disagree with that, but then immediately did by saying she felt you needed her close by, and how could she do that with you out here.” 
“And that’s how you got to talking about your mum and how she parented you, and my mum insulting her,” you said. “Jesus. I’m sorry, Rog.” 
“Don’t be sorry, you’ve done nothing wrong!” Roger replied. “She should be sorry, but like you said...she doesn’t seem the apologizing type.” 
“I’ve never been so glad to have such a variety of scones,” you murmured. 
“Scones and tea will ease the pain,” Freddie joked. “Or at least, give you something to do besides worry about her.” 
“How could you tell?” you asked. 
“Just a feeling,” Freddie said. “And the look on your face. Like you’ve been force-fed rancid food or something. You only do that when you’re worrying yourself into a panic.” 
“I could never play poker,” you sighed, and there was a beat before they burst into laughter. 
“That is...the oddest thing to say after all of this,” John said, shaking his head. “I like it. Good on you for it, you can still laugh. That’s something you have over her, you know.” 
You nodded. “I suppose it is. Not much, but-” 
“No,” Freddie said, and took your hands in his. “Anything you have over her, is something. Is important. Is special. And you have more than you know, because you’re doing all these things she either couldn’t or wouldn’t do. You’re trying to be happy, to live life the way you want. To travel, to take risks, to do what you love doing. But she, to me, seems she will always be stuck mentally just where she is: unhappy with what she didn’t do, but unwilling to make any changes for herself, and putting the blame elsewhere.” 
There were tears at the edges of his eyes, and you sighed shakily. “Don’t you cry, I’ll start then.” 
Brian raised a hand to catch your eye, and you turned to him. “Sorry. Already on that train. My parents weren’t perfect, but...I think I need to take them out to dinner, or something, soon. Have them over for a night or something.” 
Roger and John were in similar straits, eyes red, sniffling quietly. 
You let the tears fall as Freddie pulled you close for a hug, and smiled as you watched him wipe away tears of his own after he let you go. 
“Lord. What a mess I’ve made of us,” you tutted. “I’m sorry.” 
“Don’t be sorry,” Brian said. “You’re a part of this weird little family, whether you like it or not.” 
Roger nodded. “Means we care about you, and whatever bullshit is getting you down, and we’re here for you. You’ll have to get used to that before the next tour starts, you know.” 
“I can try,” you said with a soft and shaky laugh. 
“That’s all we ask,” John said. “Also, that you eat some more. God, this is almost too much food.” 
“We can send everyone home with leftovers,” Brian said. “Enough that we might get away with minimal grocery buying before the tour starts. No worries about any extra going to waste while we’re gone, for once.” 
“What a mix,” Freddie laughed. “We’ve got Indian at home, now a full English breakfast...” 
“Home?” John asked, an eyebrow raised. “Rog thought you might be telling me about this soon. Should I take it you’ve decided to stay with Fred?” 
You nodded happily, the tears drying as you settled into it, the new connection and comfort you had with all of them. “I have. Let the tenants in that other flat do whatever they want. I’ve got my home.” 
“With a fridge that might run out of room,” Freddie said with a sigh. 
“We’ll figure it out,” you said. “Or eat bigger meals.” 
“How utterly domestic,” Roger smiled. “Look at you two! But I like seeing it. And so help me, if your mother tries to go back to your flat, I will-” 
The phone rang, and silence fell. 
4 notes · View notes
bradfordarchive · 4 years
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clicks my fingers to no humanly discernible rhythm as i strut bk onto the dash w chara number two!! (it’s me nai bk again bt this time wearing a stick on moustache). bradley’s pinterest is HERE n u kno the drill mre abt her under the cut n like this fr those Sweet Sweet plots!!
MARGARET QUALLEY / CIS-FEMALE — don’t look now, but is that bradley milligan i see? the 23 year old psychology student is in their junior year and she is a rochester alum. i hear they can be brave, resilient, destructive and ruthless, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet she will make a name for themselves living in off campus. ( nai. 23. gmt. she/her. )
aesthetics: singeing a hole in your fishnets with the cherry of a menthol, spitting a pistachio behind the bar just to hear it ping off the nozzle top bottles, lemon in a fresh cut, a war torn poppy standing alone in an empty field, poking bruises, stomping over flowerbeds when there’s a path right next to it, dangling over ledges just to feel your chest jolt, a snarling rottweiler that should be muzzled, limp feet poking out behind a door, ‘I PROMISE I DON’T BITE’ scrawled on a name tag, slapping a bald head in front of you at the cinema like it’s a bongo, not owning a single jacket that isn’t stolen, driving a stolen car in the wrong lane against the traffic, blowing coke in someone’s face after asking “hey, does this smell funny to you?”, hair more feral than a wolf cub and eyes smudgier than a coal mine.  
BACKGROUND:
father runs a gang n strip club in queens called ‘no angels’ tht fronts an affluent drug trade, primarily coke. his name is tony milligan n his gang is p infamous around there fr being jst like…. completely cutthroat n awful. they were nicknamed ‘tony’s rottweilers’ by locals bc he bsically has all of these trained dogs on leash at his command n they’re still a growing organisation tday
he’s pretty much the worst human being alive n bradley hs like….. a lot of issues with herself as a result of years of toxicity n abuse
in terms of more family bkground info her mum’s name was alyssa n she vanished when bradley was 12. jst like…. into thin air. nothing. no note. zilch. gan! n when bradley asked her dad abt it his response was essentially “guess she didn’t love us enough to stay”. as bradley’s got older tho n become (without intention) more involved in the business side of things, it’s become pretty clear there was far more to the story.
they had a horrible marriage n tony ws quite violent at the best of times, which didn’t help the fact tht alyssa ws struggling a lot w severe depression n rly just… not in the mindset to b dealing w anything else on top of tht, even where motherhood ws concerned. bradley p much… would look after her a lot n they’d both b scared of her dad n it was just a whole mess.
anyway im rambling bt basically tony (bradley’s dad) gt wind of alyssa sleeping w men tht worked fr him n he just… got rid. bradley’s kind of worked out over the yrs tht her mum didn’t jst leave on her own accord n tht something must hav happened to her bt she’s too scared of her dad to ever directly accuse him
when her mum went all of her dad’s cruelty pretty mch got channelled straight onto her. it ws diluted between two before bt as u can probably imagine her upbringing was jst…. a steep downhill decline frm tht point onwards
she learnt ways 2 deal w the incurring trauma bt they weren’t healthy ones at all! bsically jst. will do or take anything fr the distraction. chases a thrill like it’s the only way to remind her she’s alive. has absolutely no regard fr her own wellbeing n sometimes gets other ppl in trouble too bc she’s so insatiably reckless
she hd….2 separate stints of psychiatric hospitalisation n she never tlks abt it. like ever. acknowledging she’s been vulnerable is her worst nightmare n bc of the way her dad raised her she always thinks any sign of struggling within herself is weakness. truly does…. not kno how to properly emotion
CUT TO!!!! huntington beach. she’s currently living in a spacious loft above a rly busy bar tht i picture like. p close to campus so a lot of students prob frequent it?? she loves it bc she can sit on the window sill smoking n argue w ppl tht walk past drunk. jst randomly callin out like. nice chest hair Loser. i feel like she hasn’t even paid fr wifi she jst uses the bar’s free one n like. goes in there expecting free drinks all the time?? is jst like erm? i live here? let me drink? this is my house? aka she’s. a lot.
her dad’s opening up a new strip club (also called no angels bc he’s trying to lowkey make it like a chain) n he’s only allowed her to make the move bc she’s overseeing it kind of???? as well as a few guys tht worked fr him back in queens. one in particular called billy hs made the move n he’s a menace so. three cheers fr anarchy!
PERSONALITY:
the kind of sour cherry only certain people have a taste for
once drank a bottle of whiskey, insisted she could still do a cartwheel and accidentally kicked an old man’s front tooth out in the process. proceeded 2 collapse into a flower bed and laugh so much abt it that she cried
barely takes anything seriously 50% of the time and is angry the other 50%
if she was a coffee she’d be black with five grains of sugar that you couldn’t taste until the last sip
high functioning alcoholic. if u ever see her w a coffee cup u jst kno tht one sniff will confirm high alcohol percentage. honestly idk hw she does it her liver must b yellin
loyal to a point of fault. if she cares abt u and u murder a man in cold blood she’ll brawl anyone that says ur guilty
honestly wld probably fight a person over anything. sometimes she’ll jst be having a bad day n she’ll burst n take it out on whoever says the wrong thing. a minefield!
has the worst luck in romance…. ever. the majority of her past bfs hav been absolute beasts n as a result she kind of has the ‘romance is dead n love is a lie’ mentality
speakin of which i feel like she’s bi bt wldnt have dated a girl or anythin. like guys r probably…. her preference just bc historically theyv treated her worse n she hs a very self destructive personality like that. sexy!
dresses like courtney love, 2014 sky ferreira and a character from this is england had a baby. mostly wears stolen clothes from strangers and jackets that swamp her. hair is p much always a wild mess n she usually hd kind of smudgy/smoky makeup bcos apparently she’s allergic to combs and generally looking presentable… relatable content
she’s v sarcastic. sometimes blunt. kind of has a habit of…. assessing a person n she’s quite perceptive bc she’s been trained to b by the way she always has to monitor her dad’s expression fr the slightest emotion change. she’s quite confident n can p much mke a conversation out of whatever. sort of independent too like she hs a bunch of friends bt she doesn’t care abt going out places alone if she’s in a certain mood n jst wants…… to get into chaos. she’s probably kind of known around campus bt itd b a 50/50 balance between bein known as intimidating n bein known as that one girl tht always gets into anarchy
likes: fishnets, stealing cars, throwing watermelons off rooftops and whiskey
dislikes: amy schumer, honesty, yellow tulips and going home
PLOTS:
someone tht got a job at the new strip club her dad opened up in town?? either as a dancer or bartender or whtever. just a forewarning it’s probably gna b a pretty..... seedy and Not That Pleasant environment bc it’s like. a crime hotspot inevitably bc it’s a gang hangout so. ur chara wld truly be in fr a rollercoaster ride to say the least
she deals coke fr her dad’s gang bt it’s more like. a hobby than a steady source of income tht she Needs bc she just likes the thrill of the fact tht encounters in tht line of work can turn sour tbh. a Thrill Seeker! mayb she deals to ur muse??
anyone….. she’s brawled in the past like. she’s literally a menace i cnt express this enough. wil jst randomly throw a drink in someone’s face fr no reason bc she’s bored. she’s probably pissed off 1000 diff ppl in 1000 diff ways. the possibilities r endless n i jst think tht’s a sexy prospect!
fwbs perhaps??? exes??? (probably ws a tumultuous relationship wtever…. ur muse is like like bradley is. a handful)
mayb someone tht she met at an aa meeting when she hd to go fr a court mandated thing one time after bein arrested fr public indecency. i feel like there’s probably a rly expensive statue somewhere thts fancily Sculpted n she like. did a flying kick n kicked the dick of it off n gt arrested fr it
ppl she……. Goes Wild Goes Crazy w. truly jst the most self destructive person alive so anyone w a similar mindset wld b a hellish bt fun combination
on the contrary a gd influence cld b nice perhaps? like someone tht genuinely cares abt her n she jst doesn’t kno hw to compute it
um. honestly the world’s our oyster. hmu n we cn brainstorm if none of tht catches ur eye!
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ain-t-bovvered · 5 years
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14x18 Commentary
Zeta and Giuls scream together, and then die.
@purpleskiesandcherrypies and @dean-winchesters-baconwon’t be joining us for this one.
Me & Zeta will watch together season 14′s episodes as they come out and we’ll do our commentary while watching.
+MASTERLIST of season 14 commentary *
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Giulia: Ugh I’m already tired
Zee: Hold on. The torture just began
Giulia: I don t wanna see cas treated like that by dean. I can t
Zee: Mary!?
Giulia: Pah
D&S: Yo Mom? Jack?
Giulia: I already hate this. Searching for mum in the bunker. Awful.
D: They probably just stopped for a bite on the way back. You know how Mom get
me: 
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Zee: Can I live there tho?
D: here's to another miraculous Sam Winchester’ survival. Got to say, man, if Jack hadn't have healed you...
D: You know, lately, it feels like we'd be up the creek without that kid.
me: 
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S: Yep
D: I mean, first, he takes care of Michael and then...Nick.
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-uh hu of course the cell is there
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D: looks like they left in a hurry.
Giulia: Yeah Sam was gonna be dead and satan was coming back so....
Zee: Oh crap. There’s def something wrong
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Oh my poor baby bean Jack
Giulia: it starting. Great AMAZING. Just what I needed at 8 am
Zee: Of course babe
Giulia: CAAAAAAS
C: Nick was trying to raise Lucifer?
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Zee: Epic eye roll
Giulia: my epic roll
Castiel is like : my god what a drama queen, my family is a disgrace.
C: [jack and Mary] They’re together?
D: yeah
C: .....A-Alone?
D: Y-Yeah. W-Why do you  Yes, Cass, they were together, alone.
C: *sweats*
Giulia: Alone.  Oh bother
Zee: Silence
Giulia: Great. GREAT
Castiel in short : Jack killed Felix because he thought it was the merciful thing to do.
Zee: The snake
C: I don’t think Jack’s well, Dean.
-well good fucking morning fucking Vietnam
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Zee: Sam’s eye squint 
Dean hangs up on Cass
Giulia: I HATE THIS
Zee: Focus babe
Giulia: no I’m already hating Dean, and I know what’s coming and I HATE IT.
Also...can I have Jack’s airline number
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AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA LOOK AT CASS SPELLED C-A-S-S . SUCK IT BITCHES.
I’m vibrating , I wanna hug Jack so much and tell him everything is gonna be alright, my baby...I’m so sorry no ONE IN THIS FUCKING SHOW FUCKING TALKS TO EACH OTHER.
A wilde Nick appears. 
Giulia: Fuck him
Zee: Careful with what comes out of your mouth
Red fucking eyes
Giulia: The fuck
J: that’s not possible, you’re-
N: Dead? Yeah alright you got me.I’m not Nick, I’m not Lucifer-
giulia: oh thank god
N: I’m you
Zee: What?
Giulia: That’s way worse thanks
Zee: Oh come the fuck on
Zee: Dying?
Giulia: STOP THIS RIGHT FUCKING NOW
Zee: Actual pain
N: Buddy, you killed Mary Winchester. You cannot come back from that, and you know it.
Giulia: oh. And fuck Nick too
Zee: In my chest
Giulia: Fuck lucifer too
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N: All right? You've been flapping your wings all around, trying to run away from what you did.
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Zee: You won’t. You can’t
Giulia: U really can t
Zee: Tell Sam and Dean that
N: I'm sure they'll understand. It's not like family isn't everything to them.
Giulia: Can’t he just bring her back the fuck. That’s what happened alright. Mary got turned in ash again.
- AND also....like...it really was an accident, and ok maybe they would have a fucking hard time to accept that and maybe be mad , rightly so...but....y’all need to speak to each other. But then again....there would be no supernatural without family not speaking to each other.
I love how Sam says that Cass will be there too and he looks at Dean like....your bf is gonna be there you better be nice.
S: And -- And Jack -- I mean... he must have thought he was helping, you know, being kind.
Giulia: Thanks Sam
Zee: Dean is kinda fed up
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Giulia: I’m not team Dean this time. Well he can stuff it i don t give a shit
Zee: Come on. Just wait.
Giulia: U ...snooped around didn’t ya?
Zee: No no. I’m also hoping he’s not an asshole I have faith
Giulia: That’s not your brain talking. Dean is an asshole, he’s my asshole, but he’s an asshole and that’s my heart talking, I don t even care.
Giulia: We ve been knew
Zee: Bold of you to assume I have one
Also...I’m kinda worried that Dean was already thinking about the box at this point.
D: We don't know that he doesn't have a soul!
I mean from this sentence alone....he thinks that he could have done that with or without his soul.
Zee: BBQ nick
Giulia: GREAT, DEAN....TOUCH THE ASH, AMAZING.
Zee: More than bbq Mary
Giulia: you mean “SMOKED MARY”
too soon?
Giulia: aw bb
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Giulia: oh wow gotta love that empty fucking stare on Castiel. that looks so good. amazing . 10/10
Zee: Yeah. Cas is ok
Giulia: AW
C: I could heal you. If you'll let me.
M: I’m okay
Zee: Let him bitch
C:Are you still afraid of me?
*gasps*
M: Maybe a little
*GASPS*
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Giulia: why, what’s your problem with instant healing?
Zee: The sad smile tho
Giulia: Listen-
Giulia: I’m hurting MY BABY, HOW IN THE HELL COULD YOU BE AFRAID OF THAT BUMBLEBEE OF AN ANGEL * sobs*
C: I know you know this, Mary, but, um.. Sam and Dean -- they're -- they're glad to have you back. Whatever you still have to deal with and however long it takes, you should know they're happy.
Giulia: MY
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Giulia: BABY
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Giulia: I CAN T
Giulia: YEAH THAT S RIGHT. THEY WERE NEVER ALONE
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Zee: Can she not?!
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Giulia: SOBS. MY CHEST HURTS
Castiel really doesn’t want to look the Winchesters in the eyes explaining things.I mean an angel of the freaking Lord, sorry tell me again that he doesn’t care about them.
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Giulia: Sam give him a kick
D: I mean, we don't know what Nick did. He probably deserved it.
He certainly did.
[enters Cass]
Dean :
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BOOOOOOOOOO
Giulia: I don t wanna watch. I don t wanna WATCH
Zee: Don’t you dare leave me
S: There's a, um, blast site behind the house It looks angelic, just...bigger.
Dean: 
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To me it’s like they already know, at least Dean. I can see his brain working. And Cas might be looking at him right now ( he also might not don’t get your panties twisted there)
Dean : Who cares what Jack said?
welp there it is
D: We don't know what happened!
Giulia: i can t. I don t wanna hate dean
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Giulia: But I’m gonna
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Zee: Fuck
I CAN’T LOOK AT CAS
Giulia: FUCK U. I DID.
S: Dean-
D: No, he knew. He knew something was wrong with the kid. He knew it, and he didn't tell us! He didn't even tell us!
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Giulia: i can t LOOK AT MY BABY . What the FUCK was that face Misha.
Giulia: No
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Giulia: Nsbsoabdjfondbdv
THE FUCK WAS THAT STARE DEAN?
C: I was scared. I believed in Jack for so long, I... I believed that he was -- he was good.
Giulia: OMG
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Giulia: CAS
Giulia: I CAN T
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Zee: Oh ffs.
C: I -- I knew that he would be good for the world. And he was good for us. My faith in him, it -- it never wavered, and then I-I saw what he did. It wasn't malice. It wasn't evil. It was like Jack saw a problem, and in his mind, he just solved it with that snake.
D: The snake?!
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C: What he did wasn't bad. It was the absence of good. And I saw that in him.
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Dean is all over the place right now
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C: But we were a family, and I didn't want to lose that, so I thought I could... fix it on my own. Felt like it was my responsibility. So I left. And I didn't tell you.
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Sam understands
C: If I could go back and just -- just talk to him right then and there, I would.But I can't, Dean. I failed you. And I failed Jack. And I failed --
D: No, no. Don't even say it. Don't even say her name.
S: Dean [putting himself between them]
Giulia: THE STARE
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Giulia: WHAT THE FUCK
Ok ok, to me it looks like Dean’s already regretting what he said but at the same time he’s so angry and panicked and he’s just all over the place, they just got back from Sam risking his like yet again and then this...
[Rowena Calling...]
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Giulia: THE STARE AGAIN
I DON’T WANNA WATCH THE REEEEEEST
ugh...okay ....here we go.
S: And Mom?
D: Say it!
R: I don't know what happened or where she is...but I can tell you with certainty... Mary Winchester
is no longer on this Earth.
 montage of broken hearts :
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Zee: Jfc
Giulia: Saw that coming
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Giulia: Great
Giulia: Ready for dean
Giulia: Melt down in 3….2…..1
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Zee: I flinched
Giulia: There it is
They are all so broken. That chair is us tho.
D: What do we always do when we lose one of our own?
Zee: We fight
C: How? We don't even know where your mother is.
D:Then go to heaven and find her!
Giulia: Oh look….Cas has misty eyes
Dean’s lingering stare to Castiel like : you better fucking find her , I mean it.
and of course Castiel would do anything for the Winchester.
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Giulia: I can t, CAS LOOKING AT SAM LIKE THAT SEEMS SO LOST AND GUILTY AND I HATE IT
[montage of their dead eyes]
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Giulia: WELL I HATED IT
Zee: Well hello there
DON’T TOUCH ROWENA JACK DAMN IT.
Giulia: #scared
Giulia: He’s so scared
Zee: To bring Mary back
Giulia: Can’t he think her back again ?
Zee: He’s just a scared kid
Giulia: Come on. This is stupid
Zee: Maybe he doesn’t have that much power?
J: I killed Mary. I-It was an accident. I-I didn't mean to. I just -- I just wanted her to be quiet. I just wanted her gone, but only for a second. And I just.. I thought it. It all happened so fast. I need to undo it. You need to help me undo it.
Giulia: That room looks like bobby’s
Giulia: The soul is gone, the power isn’t
Giulia: Damn
Zee: Oh
Giulia: Of course
Zee: Oh Cas
Giulia: It’s so cold in Canada lol. I wanna go there
Zee: Of course you do
Giulia: Oh not Naomi
Giulia: These flashbacks tho
Giulia: Cute. Imma play with knife today
J: When we get Dean back, he's gonna kill me for this.
Giulia: Yes he is
Zee: Nice
Giulia: BEARD
Zee: Sam’s mourning beard
Giulia: God I love beards. Men just looks better with it
Zee: Parental guilt
Giulia: Well good fucking morning
M: You always feel like you're failing, but then you look at them, and somehow, they're amazing. And somehow, they're literally... ...the bravest...kindest......most heroic men on the planet.
Zee: Yes yes they do
Giulia: Looks like a struggle
Giulia: Great. Can’t wait for that
Zee: I don’t think she got the chance to be a mother tbh
D: Cass. Cass should have told us. As soon as he saw Jack go all Dahmer on his stupid freakin' snake, he should have told us.
S: Dean, it wasn't just Cass. It wasn't. We knew Jack was dangerous. We always knew.Long before he killed Michael. You more than anyone.I mean, from the very beginning, you knew.But, you know, we fell for him 'cause he had a good heart and a good soul.Then he didn't. And that's on me, too, by the way.I mean, I'm the one who made the call to bring him back.He didn't ask for that. I decided for him. And you warned me.No, you didn't know, okay? We didn't know
Giulia: AH. Thank you Sam
Zee: The voice of reason…..And there Sam with the guilt
D: We didn't know. 
S: Exactly. But -- He had become our family. You know, after Maggie and the other Hunters died... I just left. Just... dumped Jack on Cass and left. I knew. I mean, I knew something... was gonna... I just didn't know it'd be this.
Giulia: Babe
Zee: Is everybody on the verge of tears on this ep?
D: I did it, too. When I talked to Donatello about Jack, he said he was good as far as he could tell. But then he talked about how powerful Jack was and that he could never really be sure. And it was a warning.I just couldn't see it.
Giulia: YEAH YA DID
Giulia: YES THEY ARE. Finally mirroring us
Zee: About time
Giulia: Great if Dean doesn’t fucking apologize to Cas I swear
Zee: Not again
Giulia: Ew I mean. Love ya Mark But.  Stop it. Anyway
Giulia: Fucking jack is going in that box 99,99%
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Zee: +0.01
Giulia: Jack is us
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Giulia: Lucy is spn feelings
N: You want gratitude for bringing Mommy back? Why? So you can call this dump home again?
Zee: Poor child
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N: And you know what, Jack? It's not gonna work. You know it's not gonna work.
Giulia: GREAT
C: I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere, not until I have a word with you.
Zee: Well good luck with that
Giulia: ugh naomi
Giulia: Misha’s hair are goooooood
Giulia: … Wasn’t she dead? Also LOVE HER
Dumah: She is at peace. You know, she died painlessly. Instantly. Completely.
She's in Heaven, a special Heaven.
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Mary Winchester is complete.
You and the Winchesters may not be.
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But she is.
Zee: Can I mention I love her voice?
Giulia: No i love her voice too
Can I mention that Cas face is fucking killing me, he’s so distraught 
Zee: Jack is losing it
Giulia: Damn it jack
Zee: He’s so desperate to fix it
Giulia: Wow
Giulia: Can I do that in real life too?
Zee: Thank you Rowena
Giulia: Ok but honestly
Zee: Is all that ash Mary ?
Giulia: I would be fucking terrified to tell the Winchester I killed their mother by mistake tho. I would first tell Sam, then hide behind him as I tell Dean.
Zee: Oh oh
Giulia: So I get Jack a bit. Oh oh He fucked with baby too
Jack with a fucking broken face : It didn't work.
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Zee: He’s done everything wrong so far
Giulia: I’m scared and feel for him
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Giulia: GREAT DON T WANNA WATCH THIS
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Zee: Can the music stop?
Zee: Oh HELL NO
Giulia: OH NO AAAAND IM CRYING
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Giulia: GREAT
Giulia: GREEEEAT
Giulia: WHAT A GREAT FUCKING MORNING
Giulia: WHAT A GREAT FUCKING DAY
Giulia: i should stop watching spn in the morning It ruins my whole day
Giulia: SHUT UP STOP
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N: There's no going back. You realize that now. Cass, Sam, Dean.. They're never gonna trust you again.
nick...nick shut the fuck up
N: You can never trust them.
Giulia: NO T THE PICS
Zee: Oh noooo
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D: So, what? Are you just gonna take her word for it?
C: NO. I saw your mother's Heaven, and she is happy. She's with John, and there's no sorrow. There's no guilt. Just joy.
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Sam is me
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Zee: And Cas
Giulia: i hate that Sam doesn’t really have a pic with mom tho
S: So, what are we supposed to do now?
D: What we always do.
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Zee: Oh shit
Giulia: HATE THIIIIIS I DON’T WANNA SEE IT
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Giulia: Ok so Bye Mary I guess. We can t have nice things on spn
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Giulia: OH
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Zee: Fucking hell
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Giulia: THAT HURT ME. OH FUCK
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Zee: Damn
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Giulia: YEP
Giulia: I THINK ITs bye bye mary
                   [after episode]
Giulia: Hate the promo
Giulia: Fuck the angels And not in the fun way
Zee: I hated it. Too many feels
Giulia: Spn really did trained me to feels
Zee: My coffee is cold and salty
Giulia: Like...Is this thing happening in my life that important that I must suffer like this?
Nah that scene in spn was way worse, I got this
Zee: I guess u r right
Zee: But I have this sick idea that the writers snoop around on social media, read what would tick us and then write that exact thing
Giulia: Well I saw Samantha tribute to Mary on twitter so I guess yeah, Mary is gone
Giulia: Psh of course they do
Giulia: That’s why we write
Zee: Sick bastards
Giulia: So maybe we get lucky and they pick up our ideas
Giulia: No no I love it
Giulia: The thing is
Giulia: They keep changing writers and stuff and that I hate
Giulia: Because ya know....continuity
Giulia: And sometime they make characters behave in a way that it’s too alien , and you can tell
Zee: With each passing ep they make it worse. I don’t even wanna see how this season ends
Giulia: The actors can tell too and they can’t do much about that tho
Zee: Let alone the next
Giulia: With cas , the impala and a graveyard. We know that
Zee: In what context tho
Giulia: WE. ARE. SO. GONNA. HATE. THAT.  * maniac laughter*
Giulia: Idk but those words together are cursed
Zee: U ain’t wrong
Giulia: I wanted to see her heaven tho. They should have done that when JDM came back. Like Just a little snippets please. Ugh
Zee: Do you deliberately seek pain woman? Scratch that. I know you do
Giulia: How is that pain? I would have been happy seeing them happy But I guess we saw that. Whatevs
Zee: Well, she ded. And not with her children But again She never really knew her children
Giulia: A goodbye would have been nice tho
Giulia: Her children are grown ass men. She fine She s in heaven , with the love of her life. I mean. Would love to have that too
Zee: First of all we have established that neither of us is going to heaven
Giulia: Also dying painless and being in heaven?
Zee: Second, u would have to be dead
Giulia: I mean...in spn universe? That’s like goals
Zee: Custom made death
Giulia: I embrace it. Imma party with the angels
Zee: Yes. I think u will
Giulia: Unless I murder someone before I kick it. The bar is set so low ok
Zee: Maybe Jensen at Jib. If they don’t fix him and Cas
Giulia: Well J has no say in that. The fucking writers man.Imma kill them
Zee: Better
Giulia: Kill one , goes to hell, why not kill more since I’m there
[20 min later]
Giulia: So …..I coped with these feelings by doing online shopping
.
.
.
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@wayward-angelgirl @destiel-honeypie     @mariekoukie6661     @dragontamerm      @closetspngirl   @rainflowermoon    @mattiecat    @bunnybaby121115  @aliaitee2   @jacks-word-of-the-day     @4evamc       @dammitsammy     @legendary-destiel   @winchesterprincessbride    @destielhoneybee    @castiellover20   @jacks-word-of-the-day  @ravenhg @evvvissticante  @legendary-destiel  @dustythewind
27 notes · View notes
swearronchanel · 7 years
Text
6.03 aka I’m still crying 2 hrs later
I have no intro, I did this in one watch but had to obviously edit my typing but well yea this episode crushed me. I’m still shook tbh ahh. Read away if you wish
oh shit I’m not ready
SISTER MJ💔💔😭
FREE SISTER MC
ugh omg I can’t, my hearts about to explode about my chest
The Somali mum is so pretty, Nadifa right?
Oh shit she tryna hide the mail
she’s staying we know that
Ahh the cute turner scene ☺️
SHELAGH MY BBY 😭😍 she looks so good & her little behive omg
“Angela and I don’t have a tendency towards hoarding” SAS MASTER FLEX OVER HERE LOVE IT
“I’m no Marie Antoinette, I will not eat cake..” BRB ALREADY CRYING UGH 😰😰
Look at Valarie actually working & being a nurse
oh shit she’s 9months whoops, she ain’t going no where
JFK on the radio!!
Trixie’s tense, I feel
“If we’re all heading for oblivion, we need to be prepared” Fred lol he’s prepared for it all
No more shock treatment yes 😭💔
damn it my chest hurts and I’m emotional
Shelagh’s bump in her uniform 😭💕
PHYLLIS’s FACE WHEN SHE PICKS UP THE DOLL LMAO I LOVE HER
“Very useful fashion features” so precious, are magazines her maternity wardrobe inspo? 😭
LMAO PHYLLIS “I’ve never needed an editorial to instruct me on how to put myself together and I’ve never had any complaints” SHE’s A GEM
LOL @ SHELAGH’s REACTION
Valarie shook
the reality of fgm ..
Sister MC 😰
DOCKERILL AND SISTER MJ OMG I LOVE IT
“How can I be confident your purpose is sincere?” RIGHT SISTER
“I’m very glad to hear it ” PHYLLIS AH, she’s here for it!! I might be too, i have to wait for next week
omg sister MC, she loves her habit 😰💕 why tf did they take it though??!
FREE SISTER MC 😭 YOU DO NOT FALL SHORT LOVE
“How brave for her” and you!😭
PHYLLIS AND TRIXIE >>
“I’m not sure I have the gumption” BBY 💕 you deserve the world!!!
“Failure isn’t fatal, but hesitation can be” Phyllis is so wise & a gift we don’t deserve
Fuck im crying again
WHO STOLE HER BIBLE !!?
ugh fuck Mr Kenley, we don’t like his bedside manner
Patrick doing research so quickly, I’m proud & Phyllis is woke, enlighten us all
VISIT SISTER MC & free her !!!
lol this little girl, stop touching shit
She’s cute though I guess
Ok Val saying the right thing
MY BBY SHELAGH looking adorable💕
TIM HAS A FRIEND! Lmao it seems like he has none because he’s always with his family. Maybe he’ll get a girlfriend next series haha
“It is you, lost to us no longer but here before us perfect and complete ” MY HEART IS FUCKING BROKEN OMG I AM A MESS
PROTECT ALL THE SISTERS 😭💕💕
YES SECURE HER DISCHARGE, ASAP
I’m crying??!!
PHYLLIS RUNNING THE CUBS
LMAO PHYLLIS YELLING AT FRED LOVE IT, SHE IS SO BADASS, A GEM
“My way of making amends” poor sister J it’s not your fault 💔
LMAO SISTER WINNIE FAKE DRIVING ALL WRONG IM DEAD
HER SCREAM HAHA
ugh looking at kenley makes me sick, go away
Sister MJ & SISTER J MAKING HER BED💕 AND THE BIBLE AND CANDY ON THE PILLOW OMGGG
Oh shit where’d nadifa go
SISTER MC IS COMING HOME 😭😭
oh shit that lady had her bible, let her keep it
aw she did
Oh no nadifa’s going into labor??  ah omg
SISTER MC IS HOME😰💖
“Simply by being here” I’m crying again
LOOK AT HER PRECIOUS SELF WHY WOULD THEY HURT HER
Cuban Missile crisis on the tv
Trixie giving sister MC special soap💔
“I’d rather you give her my love” omg 😭😭
Fred painting the windows 😂
“President Kennedy.. he could charm the birds out of the trees” hell yea he was charming, rip. I wonder if next series they’ll mention his assassination? & side note Natalie Portman better win that Oscar for Jackie tonight
Nadifa’s sister is named Deka, got it. She reminds me of one of my cousins
Val and Babs new bffs?
Oh shit she’s in labor for real
“No knife” omg
I’d be freaking TF OUT
AH SHIT SHE’s GONNA DELIVER THIS BABY
AHHH OMG IM SCREAMING
THE BABY IS OKAY, SHE’S OKAY OMG MY HEAD, MY CHEST, EVERYTHING HURTS
damn that was intense
Gold fucking star for Valarie though
“I longed for this baby Patrick, longed for it, prayed for it and now I’m wondering why my prayers were answered because I don’t know what sort of a world we’re bringing it into ” SHELAGH DONT CRY, Ima cry 😰💕
“We just have to hope and we’re good at that” UGH MORE TEARS, YES YOU GUYS ARE 😭💕💔
Delia making another 2 second appearance
“If God loves me and wants me to do this, why is he making it so hard” omg I’ve been tearing this whole episode
DAMN YOU CTM for hurting my hEART and making it better at the same time!
Who are all these extra nuns
Aw Nadifa, but her baby is precious  
Sister MJ & MC killing me 💔
“It is no bad thing to be lost in a fog or at sea..” 😭😭😰😰
“Nurse bubsy” um bitch we don’t need that attitude right now
“We’re all going to hell in a handcart” indeed
lol Trixie wasn’t having it though she gave babs the only side eye 😂😭
Shit sister MC reading the paper no
I can’t imagine living through this crisis?! But like my grandparents did
The world was shook. But we’re shook now?? the world is constantly falling apart 
Wait I love THIS SONG
DON’T FORGET WHO’S TAKING YOU HOME….SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR MEEEEE💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼
tom x babs, Delia with the photo of Pats!, fred x violet aw cute montage 💕 💔
Trixie looking spectacular ugh goals
“You’d think the world would’ve learned by now..” YEA TRIXIE WE’RE STILL SAYING THAT IN 2017
“London is your oyster” lol that phrase is funny af idk why 😂
Cute Trixie and Christopher moment though 😭
Patrick and Sister MC! “I was once as lonely..” I’m a w r e c k 😭💔
Trixie in those black pyjamas I still want
SISTER MC AND TRIXIE 😭💔💕
“I generally find that if you can summon the courage to sit through the bleakest day, then in the end the weather will change” 😭I needed that Trixie
“Nothing worse than being wrongly dressed for an occasion” omg she’s gonna ditch the habit
Val you said before there was no normal
THE FLAT IS EMPTY JUST LIKE MY FUckING HEART & SOUL THANKS TO THIS DAMN PROGRAM(ME)
ANGELA’S BABY STUFF
“Maybe I never gave up hope”
They actually fucking kissed again rip to me
“Lots of memories” yes “they don’t belong to the house, they’re ours. They come with us” YEA AND WITH ME TOO AH
IM AN EMOTIONAL PIECE OF GARBAGE, excuse me while jump out the window and throw myself away with the rest of the trash😭😭😭💕💕
BET THEY BORROWED PHYLLIS’S ROOF RACK AGAIN
“A lady never tells” ok Trixie 😉😏👀
CRISIS AVERTED !!!
“We live to see another day” mood every day in america tbh
Phyllis running to the radio😂
“I feel like an absolute fool” “then we’re a fine pair” Pair of fools ugh I’m cryin I love u fools
NORTHFIELD
oh shit, is Sister Mary Cynthia really going to leave the order or just start over? 😭
I know you didn’t get the memo yet son but no liquor for trix😲
My Trixie 😭 look how far she’s come 😭💕and she’s going to tell him soon and I’ll be crying and gushing with pride
Chin chin
THEYRE CAMPING OUT AH, THEN CAMPING TRIP REFERENCE 
“We’re very lucky though, aren’t we” ugh MY HEART
SISTER MJ AND MC OMG 💔😭
my heart hurts. That’s all. Fuck I’m crying like real tears
Noo  Deka is going to be cut😰😰
yo Val calm tf down, it’s fucked up but you can’t be yelling like that
Nadifa standing up for herself 😭
I can’t deal 💔
“What would you like to be called while your with us?” “If you don’t mind, and if I’m allowed to choose, I’d just like to be called by my name.. which is Cynthia” 😭give Bryony an award😭
“There are so many secret wounds, so many types of hidden scar.” VANESSA YOU CANT LEAVE ME CRYING ON THAT NOTE
Nadifa didn’t circumcise her daughter !!!
“The soul, being stronger than we think, can surges all mutilations and the marks upon it make it perfect and complete” VANESSA IM C R Y I N AND IM D E A D
I hope You all prepare for my funeral, pls arrive well dressed, dios te bendiga 
Rest In Peace Gabby Rachel Nuñez, 1998-2017. Cause of death: too many feelings from call the midwife 💔💔
BONUS NEXT WEEK’S PREVIEW:
Susan Mullucks !! She’s so big
Boutta get prosthetic legs, my abuelo has one
“This isn’t funny Valarie” WHAT DUMB SHIT DID VAL SAY TO MY BBY SO I CAN SMACK HER
Trixie slaying though
I thought Mr Mullocks came around last series wtf?!
“Nurse Crane should stand down from duties until the situation is resolved” OMGGG NO
OMG NO SHE HIT THE ANTOINE KID WITH HER CAR NOOO
“If you caused harm to someone else would it not mask you question everything you life has come to stand for?” FUCK NEXT WEEK WILL BE JUST AS BAD FOR ME
PHYLLIS IS SOBBING, I AM SOBBING OMG IM NOT READY
26 notes · View notes
macguires · 7 years
Text
ok first of all if someone actually decides to open this , i want 2 v firmly express that i would actually turn into the fucking knife emoji if anyone ever tried to contact someone about what i vent abt on my blog and i could go on a whole separate rant about exactly why 
plus a) i’ve been thinking obsessively about this since i was a literal child (especially over the last year or so) and it’s gotten too frustrating and overwhelming to have this on my mind every second of every day and know i can’t talk about it to anyone irl because people will freak out and try to intervene and i’ll have the one choice i can make for myself taken from me so i would very much like to actually be able to get this stuff out without needing to worry about people here doing that also and b) my mother is already aware of a fair portion of the stuff i’m about to vent about so u will do nothing she hasn’t thanks
this is absolutely just me basically talking to myself and getting everything out that’s been bothering me and that i’ve been distracted by and this is very much a last resort way of me getting it out, this isn’t really for other people to read like. i don’t mind if someone does, i just want to make it v clear that this is first and foremost just a jumble of incoherent thoughts that i’m putting down as i think them and i can’t deal w/ someone seeing it and getting involved by telling anybody about it, not that i actually think someone would sit here and literally read through it all because even i don’t know how long this will get and it very literally only matters & relates to me
but i’m really paranoid so just in case like. even if this makes no sense to u and u think it’s the right thing to do to tell someone about it or something just do me a favour and Do Not lol
anyway ok time to Empty my Brain in no order whatsoever
honestly i’ve literally been like Actively Suicidal for so many fucking years that at this point i’m just on a whole new level of it lmfao. like whenever people are kinda clued in to what i’m thinking (by which i mean the 1.5 people who've ever actually half-noticed bc i never fucking talk to people about things) they kind of assume that it’s bc i’m like. i’ve given up on getting better and if i just make Yet Another effort to seek help (which has never helped ever) or someone just talks to me about stuff i’ll see Hope and that i don’t really want to die and instead want to be ‘saved’ and to get better and live happily etcetcetc
but like.... that’s not even it like i’m? i love the world. i love the universe, i love everyone i’ve ever met, i love my family and my friends and everyone who’s neither of those things and i absolutely love the Little Things in life and talking to people and all of that stuff
like it’s not that i hate the world or can’t see the value of life or anything? that’s not it at all
i’m honestly so far past the whole Super Angsty emo stage of being suicidal and i’ve crossed over into ‘serene acceptance’
like it’s just a fact to me that i’m going to do it? this has been the plan since i was like 11, this was always how i was going to do things, i always knew when i’d do it and how and what i wanted to get done first and i’ve always had it in my mind no matter what i’m doing or talking about, and it doesn’t make me sad to think about it now that it’s not so far away? i’m literally sitting here counting down until it’s time (i’m staying to see the last two star wars movies first lmao i’ve still got A While) and it’s just another Thing. like i just feel totally chill about it and i’m actually in a better mood now that things are properly settled in my mind than i ever was when i had no idea what i was going to do in the future, like i’m appreciating everything so much more now and every conversation i have just feels. like i’m taking it all in and saying everything i want to say while i still can and making sure that people know i love them and. idk i’m sure it only makes sense in my head and would be awful & stupid to other people but like i’m so calm about it
like a few years ago i would’ve been wishing for help and for people to talk to me and for me to find a way to turn my whole life around and fix my v faulty brain, but now i feel like i’ve literally just crossed over a line somewhere, like past the point of no return, and now you could offer me all of that, you could offer me another way out and everything i’ve ever wished for, you could offer me Unlimited Happiness and true love if i keep living, and i’d literally be like “thanks but nah. i think i’ll leave anyway” 
? like i’ve seen the world. i’ve tried it out. it’s lovely. it’s beautiful and i love the people i’ve met and i hope i’ve made a positive impact on them while i’ve been here. the stars are pretty. video games are Good. i love life - i just don’t love being a part of it. it’s just....... Not For Me. it’s never made me anything but miserable and literally every bad thing that could happen happens to me, esp mental health-wise. i’m so exhausted so like thanks for the trial run but it’s been terrible personally and i want the chance to opt out now
and i don’t even want to imagine how much worse i’d feel all over again about all of my mental and physical health problems if i didn’t have this because i’m literally coping with everything right now by thinking to myself “well i won’t have to deal with them for long anymore”, like everything in my life is now being dealt with via the ‘only a little longer’ mindset and if i had that taken away from me i’d be Destroyed yet again 
but like legitimately i’ve just. since i was a child all life has been is depression and anxiety and anorexia and avpd and suicidal thoughts and literal physical & verbal child abuse as well as seriously fucked up domestic abuse where literal guns were involved towards my mum and then watching my dad get questioned by police and get charges pressed against him and then watching them get dropped and him never getting punished for any of it and carrying on w/ his life because police asked me to tell them about it while my mum stood there in the room the whole time to make sure i was covering for him and she would lie to my sisters when they asked me about what was going on and nobody ever believed me and even now if i mention it to friends i can never shake off the “oh my god they don’t believe me they think i’m lying and making it all up for attention” and i hate it. and i don’t hate him now bc he’s different now but my whole childhood was fear and violence and anger and nobody coming to my house because my friends were terrified of him even when he was acting nice for guests and it still affects me & my mum to the point where we were watching a video of my sister’s wedding a couple of months ago (which happened around the time the abuse was at its Absolute Height) and my dad came onscreen at one point without warning and i literally wanted to throw up and i was shaking and my mum got so bitter and sad and for a split second seeing him just like he was when it was all happening, it was like being back there and i just felt it all all over again and i felt so helpless and angry and i’d really been trying so so so hard to forget it all and i hate that nobody will ever know how bad it was or fully believe me when i reference it
and when i talk about me ‘dealing w/ anorexia’ i mean that’s literally. like if you don’t have an eating disorder you have no idea. a couple of my friends know that i have it and i know exactly what they think it’s like and they have n-o-i-d-e-a how bad it is and how all-consumingly it takes over your entire life, literally everything. it’s so different from what you hear about it and assume about it if you’re reading about it without experiencing it firsthand, it’s so much worse and so much more horrible and painful and for like 3 years now i’ve been able to think of nothing but weight and food and eating and how many weeks it’ll be until i can next eat something and it’s made me bitter and stressed and i’ve gotten literally nothing from it. like surprise! you don’t even always lose weight! that’s a possible side effect of an eating disorder, but thanks to Starvation Mode and the speed of ur metabolism, you could royally fuck up your life irreversibly, damage your internal organs, push away all of your friends and throw away your entire future as well as make yourself totally miserable and be at risk of dying and you’ll still be the same weight you were when you started! in fact u might even look bigger bc u’ll bloat constantly, even if all u did was have a drink! u will literally look pregnant! nobody will believe that ur eating disorder is serious bc even if u haven’t eaten for a month u’ll still look totally healthy! and if ur like me the Logical Solution to this will be deliberately dehydrating yourself to the point of passing out in front of people multiple times just so u aren’t bloated when they see u, bc they might think it’s fat! will that mean you’re able to stop starving urself bc you see that it’s not doing anything and ur not losing weight? nope! have fun continuing w/ putting urself through literal hell for nothing and also with massive crying panic attacks over half a pound of temporary water weight gained after drinking a cup of tea one day
and i’ve had to drop out of school and i’m never going to be able to work or live alone and i’m literally never going to be happy or enjoy life in the slightest so i’m literally like. why should i keep forcing myself through this. why should i stay here and have my whole life be like this and keep living for other people who make me feel miserable anyway, why shouldn’t i be selfish and make my own choice about whether or not i want to keep doing this all day every day for another 60+ years, why shouldn’t i get an option, why shouldn’t i be able to say “yeah this isn’t for me, i literally don’t remember feeling happy or loved at any stage in my life and it’s just not worth it for me, i’d quite like for everything to stop now, thank you for the opportunity”
like i know that’s selfish and unreasonable and i know it would make no sense if i ever tried to tell someone about it and i know that people would panic and try to change my mind and call people and like. get me put somewhere where i can’t do shit because they think i’ll change my mind one day or feel better later or they want me to stick around for them (tho there is a part of me that’s started thinking of that as like. why should i only be living for other people when i don’t want to, shouldn’t i be living for myself? shouldn’t that be the whole point? if i don’t want to do that and i’ve stuck around since i first started feeling this way when i was 11 purely for other people’s sakes and i’ve found that that just isn’t working out and hasn’t changed anything and at no point has anything gotten better like people always told me it would, why can’t i make this one really selfish choice for myself and say no thank you i’d like to make this decision for me now)
but vague bitterness aside, i’m past the “oh my god my life is horrible and i cry 24/7 and i just want to die, i’m going to end up killing myself and that’s awful and sad and i wish i wasn’t like this” stage that lasted literal years and i’m in the “yeah i’m definitely gonna be doing that, but that’s a peaceful and comforting thought rather than a depressing one, i feel much calmer and more clear-headed knowing that there’s an Exit in sight and i don’t have to do this for much longer”
and the fact that i’m sticking around as long as i am purely to watch the last two star wars sequel movies (or at least the next one, whether i want to wait for the last one or not depends on what happens in that) is probably also the dumbest-sounding thing i’ve ever said. like i wasn’t even supposed to be here that long. the whole thing since i was 11 was that i was supposed to be Very Dead by the end of 2017. i went through my last birthday with the assumption in my mind that it would be my last one. and i was v relieved about it. but ta-da! here we are and i accidentally got attached to star wars and then had a literal massive dramatic panic attack alone in my room as i tried to figure out how to deal w/ my Need to know what happens next with the thing i’ve been planning and that i’ve been comforted by the certainty of for years, eventually very reluctantly and miserably deciding that i’ll stay to see through to the end of these stupid-ass movies while also desperately hoping i’ll lose interest in them before then and can give up on that and it won’t be a problem anymore. and like there’s no going back after i’ve seen them. especially after changing plans to wait for the movies to come out, that’s already WAY TOO LONG and v much stresses me out to think about, i was NOT supposed to ever reach the age i’ll be when they’re done in a couple of years, so no matter what as soon as i’ve seen them i am Gone Bye Bye lmfao i’ll literally be rushing to do it out of panic by then bc of the Delay 
and i always thought i’d stick around for my irl best friend, that’s how it was at first. there was one brief time during february 2014 (i think?) when i ended up almost doing something v permanent because i was v miserable and said best friend phoned me one night about how they were scared they were going to be kicked out of their house and sent to some random place in perth (which is pretty far away) and i told them they could stay at mine if they needed to, and thankfully they weren’t kicked out and things were resolved back then but i literally remember thinking to myself like. if something ever happened to them, i wanted to be there for them? i was like “if i’m dead i can’t help them, i can’t say ‘you can come to mine’ if they ever need to, i won’t be there to answer if they’re ever in another situation where they need to call someone” and i’ve never told them about this but they pretty much saved me back then just by doing that because i realised i couldn’t go through with it like a day before i was supposed to, i didn’t want to leave them
and like distantly, in a r e a l l y detached way, i’m sort of glad i don’t feel the need to do that anymore? like they did eventually end up getting kicked out not long ago and they did end up staying at my house (which i admittedly did for selfish reasons, i wanted to be useful and i wanted to feel like i was helping them and like i was keeping my promise to do that for them if they ever needed to) and now i’ve done that and they’ve met new friends and they’re just. doing so many wonderful things and we’ve drifted a little in the sense that i know they’ll be totally fine, i’ve sort of drifted from everyone, and that doesn’t only make me feel sad anymore? like i’m actually so proud of them, i’ve known my friends for years and watched them achieve so much and i know everyone will be okay and they’re all going to do so much w/ their lives and i wish them all the happiness & love in the world, and it’s sort of just really freeing to be able to say that i don’t feel like i need to stay for them, it won’t really affect their lives if i wasn’t here anymore (and i don’t even mean that to sound self-pitying or anything, it doesn’t make me upset to say that anymore, it’s literally just another thing i’m v accepting of), they have other people to call and other people to be with and i’m so happy for them 
and it’s just totally changed the way i’m seeing things, like i might (depending on how i feel about my weight at the time lol bc that dictates Everything now, it’s great fun) be meeting up with a few friends in april and i don’t see them irl that often anymore, and i’m going into this knowing i’m very possibly seeing them for the last time? depending on whether we all get together in person again in the year or two afterwards? and it’s so strange idk. like it’s strange to think that i’m going into this and i’m going to be looking at them and wondering if i’ll see them again before it happens or if this’ll be the last time i do and. like it bothers me a little because they won’t know and us all meeting up that day won’t mean the same thing for them as it does for me, but i’m trying to let that feel freeing too
idk man everything’s just. i’m accepting everything. a lot of things that would have made me panic and cry and pity myself a few years ago just sort of gets a. “yeah, that’s true, and that’s okay, i’m not mad/sad about that anymore” response from me now because everything is just so much more ‘whatever’ now that i can tell myself i don’t need to feel all of this and think all of this for any longer than another couple of years and i just want to love & appreciate everything and everyone so there’s absolutely no mistake about what i think of anyone, like while i’m still here i want to spend that time making sure nobody can feel uncertain about how much i love them & how grateful i am, i want to make people as happy as i can and to tell them everything i love about them while i can
i used the word ‘freeing’ a minute ago and i guess that’s the term i’ve been looking for since the start of this shamefully long post and since i started thinking about all of this more concretely, knowing i have this actual solid way out and knowing when i’ll get there and how long it will take and how it will happen is so freeing and it’s just making everything feel more peaceful and meaningful (? that’s not quite the right term but) and i’m so determined not to let this get taken from me
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