#like i have a very similar trigger

[creepyscritches]

Just finished another class on how to not put my foot in my mouth and it's soooo validating to know people have to learn these skills like anything else. I've signed up for uhhh I think this is like my 3rd or 4th? And experts on how to not sound like a dick will school me and 30 other professionals on how to not sound like a dick. Wiiiiiiild how much there is to learn on the intricacies of communication :O

#Creepy chatter #Professionally I've been trained on the SCARF model a lot but this is the first they linked neuroscience :o #We discussed how to avoid accidentally triggering fight/flight/freeze by limiting perceived social threats #Which is sooo neat bc I've had a similar discussion w my therapist and both said essentially the same thing #Your brain DOES experience social threat/injury just like a physical threat/injury. Right down to a pain sensation. #Just like lol...being aware of that can make navigating conversations a little more understandable tbh #In F/F/F mode your brain literally does not use its logic center. We have entered unga bunga survival instincts. #Idk I have been enjoying this type of learning. Very psychology based w a focus on improving relationships :)

[dennisboobs]

.

#absolutely do not want to argue because i get where the post is coming from with but im gonna give some thots #re: dennis autism!!!! ok!!!!! #ive talked about it before but there is WAY more to him being autistic than just the buzzer noises. when i first watched that i was like #is THIS really why people hc him as autistic. :/ and i get it! i do! i think he has misophonia inherited from glenn personally #its actually why i captioned the noise sensitive den gifsets as that rather than just. autism. #but personally i see his scripted social interactions and i go. yeah. me. me fuckin too. #and his outbursts. which are VERY personally relatable to me #i have uh. basically the same triggers? very similar triggers at least #i think dennis' neurodivergency presents itself differently because of his upbringing and thats why a lot of ppl go ???? when you say. #'yea i think den's autistic actually' #and like i said i was absolutely like. what the hell are people talking about. he's not autistic #but uh. on rewatches? hm. #dennis quite literally masks almost 24/7 #charlie has no qualms about being perceived as like. weird. but dennis masks SO hard. SSSSSSOOOOO hard #i once saw a post like. charlie has boy autism and dennis has girl autism which honestly fucking hate that but its... kiiiind of true #ASD presents itself differently in adults depending on early social conditioning #mac fights gay marriage. group dates. new wheels. dee day. celebrity booze. all the big ones. all the hits. #look how he acts when he goes off script and is forced to speak off the cuff #the way glenn describes him as being very emotional but unable to adequately express his emotions too like. yeah. same. #theres so much more than the noise sensitivity #i could go on and on about how many fucking boxes he ticks but i honestly hate that shit. i know how autism works and that bitch is autisti #im going to refrain from commenting on the reasons why i feel charlie is more acceptably hced as autistic vs dennis because mmmmm but #dennis being 'hypersexual' (not about the sex. at all) and socially adept (has scripts/systems. charlie is more emotionally intelligent) #smells a lil stinky. smells a little bit like infantilization on charlie's part. #ada speaks #ok ill spare you guys. someday ill write a proper meta on this. ive talked about it before but.

[unironicallycringe]

sorry everyone I'm Normal Again I think

tbh I have like, weirdly complicated history with Ghiralink because "I was there Gandalf" but I can get into that context later, rn I'm tired and finally have the correct meds so maybe I can be less intense on main without putting myself in designated grass-touching time-outs after every post

#shea muses aloud #maybe one day i will share some Thoughtful Analysis And Perspective but for now it is summed up as like #'do not cite the deep magics to me witch i was there when they were written' #and you (general problem-havers) have no idea how fucking easy you have it with the modern awareness #surrounding authors tagging CWs and being safer about how they present triggering work #very much i am old man yells at cloud about this because i experienced some shit online as a teen #and decided i wanted to enter the space with an improved approach #yet people are telling me myself and similar others are the problem from ten years ago #like buddy. we were the teens reading back then. now we're adults going 'yknow maybe this stuff should be #handled more responsibly' #and it is stupid and ignorant as hell to disregard all that work #local mentally ill enby (me) yells at cloud and considers longterm internet break before total necrosis of brain tissue hits #i rambled. i must nap now goodbye.

[kitkatabasis]

My experience as someone raised Catholic is so weird because like. On the one hand I'm sure some of the ideas I heard in it have contributed to the particular form my mental illnesses take. But on the other hand mass was SO boring to me as a kid and it was before breakfast time and I had ADHD so I truly did not pay attention to it except for the times when I would have a moral crisis and spend a few weeks paying perfect attention and singing all the songs and such so I don't know how much it actually affected me compared to like. Other people. I mean I certainly don't know much about actual Catholic beliefs other than the basics (and what I learned from reading a heavily annotated scholarly edition of Dante's Inferno). Probably some of that is down to the fact that my family stopped going except for holidays when I was in like 4th grade for a variety of reasons.

Like I've had relatives respond "haha yeah that's Catholic guilt" when I talk about being excessively anxious + guilty about something but I also have anxiety and depression so. Who really knows what the cause was.

(Also sidenote its pretty fucked up for me to describe a mental illness symptom and have a relative be like haha yeah that's Catholic guilt. Like have we considered that maybe that's bad actually if your religion is doing that to you)

#D's notes #Cw christianity #raised catholic tag #Personal #not sure if i should tag this as vent or not bc i don't think it qualifies? But if theres any triggers or anything people want me to tag fo #That i didnt i will #I will say though the catholic knowledge i did get has resulted in some very funny stories #For instance when i was 5 my mom had my sister and i (who was 4) watch the two original star wars trilogies in release order #And for some reason i really liked the prequels #And around the same time i was learning the Lord's Prayer but I was. You know. A child and didnt fully understand all the words #And i have one vivid memory of finishing saying my prayers and asking my mom #Is temptation when anakin wants to use the dark side of the force #Oh also once in sunday school our teacher told us that we were ALL named after saints and had everyone say their name and told them what #Saint they were named after #And got kind of annoyed when i said my name and it wasn't a saint. So just said that my name must be a nickname for a saint that had a #Similar-sounding name.

[blanketempress]

Yayyy OC asks!!! I request A, B, D, & E for Antoine, Arzel, & Lorenzo because I can't choose :'3 Thankie!

thank youuu <33

Anton

A) Why are you excited about this character? 

He's pretty fun to play, he's trying very hard but also acts without thinking which is great bc it means I get to do some stupid things I want to do every now and then.

He's mortified about his fucking ups but I'm not, he's my chew toy and my punching bag, I want to make his life worse 💖

B) What inspired you to create them?

I was interested in clan Malkavian and the Madness Network + found out about the archetypes of the 6 main mathuselahs we hear about ; the Dionysian whose name is self explanatory, Addemar the hermit/scientist, Tryphosa the Sybil/advisor, Brude the scholar/historian, the Black Hag witch/prophet

All six of these archetypes were pretty interesting but I picked Brude for a bloodline, then I read more about kindred historians, found out about the Mnemosyne cult, and I tossed the Church of Caine in the mix bc it made sense for a scholar to be involved with it

For his wet cat personality, I just thought it was funny to play a vampire w no backbone, and malkavians make great depressed sad wet cats. It transformed over time into him being deadly afraid of the Beast. He’s not (always) afraid of people or situations per say, he’s afraid of losing control, which is very fun to me personally

 D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look? 

He’s a recycled version of an older OC, so I already had the big lines, he just looks more fucked up and a little older, I didn’t have to change much over time

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

I think we'd get along at first, then he'd infuriate me so much, then we'd get along super well forever as we go through different stages of friendship

He gets along with everyone who isn't actively trying to kill him

Arzel

A) Why are you excited about this character? 

He's pretty fun to play, I like playing characters with high strength or high charisma and he has both

He fits more than well into the vtm victorian world and he's pretty nosy which means I can go and be as nosy as I, the player, want to be

B) What inspired you to create them? 

He's a recycled version of another OC of mine, who was built to be ruthless but still charming

I was invited to play VTM V5 but I didn’t know ANYTHING about the setting like, aside from the fact that it was about vampires. I read a lot of lore and I thought the 'warlord' side of the Ventrue clan was under-exploited and it's a shame. I also liked the idea of a Ventrue with humble origins but enough ambition and leadership to grab every opportunity to climb the ladder

Still hesitated between clan Brujah and clan Ventrue but in the end he kind of made a stereotypical Brujah and a more interesting Ventrue

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look? 

He always had roughly the same looks, I already had a solid base with Ombe, I didn't have to tweak it much once I had decided on the general vibe 

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you? 

I think we'd get along but in a polite colleagues way 

We wouldn't be friends but I'd be happy to work w him and have a chat from time to time and I think he'd be in the same state of mind

Lorenzo

A) Why are you excited about this character? 

he’s a little freak who does crimes

I can't wait for the consequences of his actions to come bite him in the ass

B) What inspired you to create them? 

Spite, mostly. And I think necromancy is always fun to play with

In the VTMB game one of the reasons someone might not be embraced was bc he's gay, so I decided to make a gay trans Giovanni, that was literally my main motivation

Then I read the Giovanni handbook, which has all the trigger warnings in the world bc they really, REALLY wanted to make the most edgy and gross clan soooo bad, and I knew I just had to make that character out of spite

Then I had the brilliant idea to go "but wait. they're italians, they're all related, and spanning multiple generations. the petty personal drama must be INSANE" and it went downhill from there

I also thought the "you're bored out of your mind" archetype was an interesting base

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look? 

We don’t talk about my very first draft where he looked like a 12 years old with greasy long hair

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you? 

I think if we were stuck at a party we can’t leave we’d have a decent conversation then never cross paths again

#I just noticed you wrote 'antoine' and I assume you meant 'anton' I'm so sorry we have two characters w such similar names #I can ask the DM to fill in the questions for Antoine too tho #about the giovanni thing I do think it's very fun that they're so gross #but I also think it's VERY funny how hard the writers tried to make them as gross as possible #reading the handook was like doing a gross things bingo #the writers had a list of all the trigger warnings they didn't get to use for the other clans and shoved them all in there #had to tone things down a little to make an actually playable character in a campaign w a first time player #but they're still disgusting little freaks (heart emoji) #V1 Lorenzo and Matteo were a lot more gross and mean #I don't want to go back to that tho I love them the way they are rn

[autismcupcake]

#I know we haven't been online much today. tumblr has been showing us triggering ads. but something very unfortunate has happened. #and I can't do anything about it. I can't fix it for Tommy. There's nothing that can be done about it. #and it's really silly. let's be honest it's silly. but it's really hurting it. #I don't really wanna explain that much but essentially it made a character it was super excited about right? #aaaaaaaaand just a few minutes ago it found out someone already made a character by that name with the same core trait. #not only that but their character is very popular. So now Tommy feels like it either has to dramatically change the character or #just never post about them. Which fucking sucks. #especially because it already changed this character's name once because it saw that the original name was already used several times. #and it got really attached to the second one partially because of that but partially because it thought this name was much cuter. #and there's nothing we can do about any of this. I think it hurts especially because its character had become very comforting. #the other person's character also had a very similar disability which we also have so Tommy gave its character. #so that as you can imagine is making the entire thing worse especially because it's a pretty uncommon disability. #I know most of our followers are not systems but it can be hard to not be able to fix things when that feels like the only reason you exist. #we'll get to see our puppy soon at least. That has to cheer it up at least a little.

[tansypansydandy]

u ever look at an autism post as an audher n be like "well shit that doesnt apply to me fuck what if im not autistic" bc same

#at least my therapist and psychologist are more openminded and understanding towards my self diagnosis #but i do still get imposter syndrome a lot bc its like im not the kind of autism #like noise is fucky but like i can get used to volume its more the complexity i can be in a loud room and b uncomfy but not meltdown #bc i adapt n stuff #or like my smell is on and off a lot of the times #or seeking physical affection even though touch can make me uncomfy #and ig the worst one for me is i kind of understand social cues n small talk n that makes me doubt a lot #i can engage in small talk ik the routine and ik what questions to ask based on what a person says #though maybe thats just script writing on the fly??? like the adhd part???? #not to say i dont Struggle still (i hate silence after small talk it makes me so anxious n uncomfy) #but s not as hard n i feel like that somehow invalidates me as a possibly autistic person #or like i can do cognitive empathy rlly good!!!! logically i know Why people feel like they do i get the triggers n the reactions!!!! #emotional empathy though? FUCKKK THAT #unless i have experienced a very similar situation emotional empathy is almost impossible #idk maybe im overthinking bc like tbf i studied body language and read into it way to much in midde school #as well as psychology and emotionally distancing myself by viewing people as case studies and analyzing their behaviors #IDK #also if u read this far props 2 u man #the tags r jus a diary to me

[poptartmochi]

the maggie gioia thoughts strike yet Again 🤏🏻🕶️🤨

#so i never realized it but magdalena and gioia Both have their own synch meters that are analogous to the devil trigger bar yk #and gioia's is for the like.. the telepathic connection between her and the agathos. almost like a cell phone connection yk! the more full #the bar is‚ the stronger the connection between them is + the easier it is to execute more complicated manuevers and attacks #it is a similar idea w maggie but ofc more Internal.. it's like trudging through snow or clawing your way through sensory overload #i always imagine hers as like.. the clearing of static. or washing up on shore after being shipwrecked.. like the two consciousnesses #become more aligned with each other and she is able to make sense of things which in turn allows her to do cooler stuff #to make a long story short‚ gioia's thing is very external and maggie's is wholly internal right. #anyhow. the Realizashun...... 🤌🏻 gioia's is very much so like. a natural development of her being a warrior/ #duelist/??? you know? she was Raised and Trained to fight so that is natural for her! that's why the bar manifests as like. the natural #cohesion between two comrades in the trenches who don't have time to speak. they just Get Each Other and know each other's next moves #instinctually. Meanwhile Magdalena was a civilian her whole life!! she doesn't have that same kind of battle experience #her entire situation is new and terrifying! so her sync meter is very self-focused.. like a dead-eyed stare becoming more focused and sharp #and as she gains better footing in the situation‚ the synch between her and the seeker becomes stronger+ only then is she able to exert her #willpower on her surroundings 🧃 i think that is a fun leetle inversion between them 😈 the soldier vs the poet ykwim! #you know. i think magdalena's thing would function pretty similarly to vergil's concentration gauge.. the cleaner you play‚ the more crazy #shit you can do 😝 but the implications between the concentration and synch gauges would be. Very Different 😎 #sriracha.txt #nero prime #💃🏻

[lizbethborden]

Miss honey. Thoughts?

Obviously I'd eat her out

#this triggered some thoughts for me about the fantasies i used to have as a kid #of being found special/unique by beautiful women #similar to how i used to want to be adopted by miss honey #i used to dream that morticia addams adopted me LOL #when i look back on it obviously those are a baby lesbian's fantasies #coupled with a kid's desire to be seen as special #it's just interesting because i never identified WITH those women #i still today struggle to identify WITH feminine women-- #i don't mean that in the sense of like. not recognizing that we are women #or not caring for their struggles #but very feminine women are just living a different life from me #we're female we have many things in common but i never feel like we're on exactly the same plane #which i guess is not just lesbianism but also being gnc

[thisloev]

real

#this is so mind numbingly exhausting i don't understand how everyone else seems to just do it? #it was such a weird day #started out in a good mood but then boss scolded these two interns cause of a mistake #and like he wasn't shouting exactly but he raised his voice and said so many things like you are so careless im suffering so many losses bc #bc of you outsiders are going to think i don't have a good team and i don't have control over my team #and how we should always note things down because we're so distracted and not serious #and how before going home everyday we should report to him what work we did today #i understand that he's being reasonable (maybe? idk) but it sounded so eerily horribly like my dad i couldn't function properly for an hour #why are men so similar everywhere #why am i SO scared i could feel the disappointment radiating off him and he wasn't even mad at me and i felt like a failure #which is so embarrassing like girl stop you are a 20 year old adult woman you will not cry at your workplace because an angry man triggered #your dad issues #and upar se there was a new intern at work one year younger than me and oh my god he was so annoying #like i talked to him first bc i pitied him like what if he felt alone it was only his second day but boy literally could not stop talking😭 #like ok it's kinda cool that this senior di she trusted me enough to be like you teach him this project report this when ive only been #here for 3 weeks but bhai😭 he's so annoying 😭 i have newfound respect for the di how does she handle all 7-8 of us interns i would go #crazy and shout at everyone and tell them to leave me alone 😭 but she's so patient and kind and answers dumb questions 100 times #but she's leaving this office permanently from next month bc of her ca final :( i mean very good for her she deserves better more money #better work hours better office etc. but :(( she's leaving :(( #as you can see i have both dad issues and abandonment issues so fun lol

[scarletcomet]

does anyone else ever feel like maybe they need to be hospitalized or weren’t ready to be discharged from the hospital?

#i was discharged almost a week ago now and i felt really ready to go #i have a much better mindset now after the second hospitalization #but the suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges are a lot more difficult to deal with in the real world where i can hurt myself #i still feel very depressed pretty much always but at the same time my mood has been pretty ok #regardless of how i'm feeling and what i'm doing i get those intrusive detailed suicidal thoughts #i want to do more research and stuff just like out of curiosity or to indulge myself a little #but that's the kind of behavior that gets you sent to the emergency room and admitted to the hospital #i feel ok and not actively suicidal but at the same time i want to plan even though i don't want to go through with it at the moment #if i tell my doctor or therapist at my treatment program this i'm worried that they will send me to the emergency room (again) #it would be weird because i feel ok even though im having these thoughts #similar to how i felt last time i was sent to the ER but i wasn't sure if i could keep myself safe in the long run last time #idk. i feel like i can keep myself safe but at the same time i want to plan and get ready #what is wrong with me #i can think about the future and am starting to see a future for myself (at least for the next year) so why do i feel this way? #i need to write some of this shit down and talk to the therapist at my treatment program tomorrow #i feel like it might be too triggering for others to bring up in process group but i do kinda want feedback from my peers

[todayisafridaynight]

Prior to sending the ask I was just guessing what matrophobia meant based on the root words but I looked it up after and went ohhhh and then you confirmed that extra dimension to it and I went OHHHHH

I think that gets to the heart of what I've been thinking about, that bittersweetness, because despite his best efforts... of course he could never end up anything like Yoko, but he still ended up with an abusive "household." Because in addition to Masato ending up how he did, he has to see those same situations play out, feel that same tension in the air between Jo and Ichi, over and over for almost a decade straight.

Like, in a way, he's forced to put himself in Toshio's shoes when that happens. He can't really get through to Jo, in the same way Toshio can't get through to Yoko, but he can try to step in before lasting damage is done, and he can try to make it bearable for his son. You know. Have a nice talk. Treat him to Peking duck. I'm SO normal about the (drawn-out) parallels of those scenes

So then with Jo... he kind of does become his father, even if he never wanted to (no one wants to), both through his ruinous neglect of Masato at birth and through how he comes to look at discipline and corporal punishment. I'm sure it's not lost on him in Masato's case (owww), but with Ichi, it's not like he has any reason to see him as his son... But How Far Can That Take You.

Because it's like, at the start, he was openly beating Ichi in front of Arakawa and not letting up much when Arakawa intervened. But then you have The Yubitsume Scene and Arakawa walking in on All That and... he looks sorry. Sorry for being caught, probably, but sorry nonetheless. Like... what changed between then and now... have you two had a Heartfelt Conversation... do you know where Arakawa got that scar... are you unable to change your "nature" even then...

Side note bro your SHOE is the size of his TORSO I promise you do not need to kick him with all the strength you've got like what the hell is this 😭😭😭

BUT ALL THAT ASIDE thank you so much for delving into the symbolism! Wonderful read. I don't really have an eye for symbolism, so that makes it all the more enjoyable to revisit the comic and everything with what you've gone into. I think a lot of your experiences resonate with mine, so conversely I'm not sure what others would take away from it, BUT I think there's enough there that's so insightful and evocative that it's effective without personal experience. I don't think there's anything I could add, so. Yeah. For once I am happy to sit back and take it all in... On that note, definitely looking forward to your next comic!

AUUUGH YEAAAH YEAHEYA HYEAH THAT EXACTLY OUUUGH OWIEE OWW.....

that's literally it though. like no extra notes. except The Obligatory Few i dont think it was an accident that arakawa is set up as the beginning of the game's 'protagonist' and planting that 'troubled family' taste first thing in our mind. i remember how i felt when i first saw arakawa walk in on jo and ichi and then arakawa taking ichi out for dinner i was just like🧍‍♂️Girl No The Cycle.... It's Continuing...... //screams// LIKE UGH IT WAS SO GOOD BUT ALSO OWWW STOPPP and then on the REPLAY it just hurts more cause with the added context to jo's character its like Oh No...... You're Your Father's Son....

and youre right: jo doesn't have an implicit reason to see how he treats ichi is wrong, hence he similarly doesnt have any reason to stop- not unless arakawa intervenes of course (and i will stand outside my window thinking of the possibility arakawa ever did try to have A Conversation with jo... arms folded behind my back and all like Man™️....)

oh but yeah, absolutely no problem ! im lowkey of an egotist so i do like to talk bout the stuff i make. More In Depth (though thats obvious considering the fuckin essays in the tags i always leave ☠️☠️) gerjlgaELKjg. so i was happy to explain ♪(´▽｀) !! what i like about symbolism is that it can be intentional or not, and the fun is always finding it just by chance. i cant explain it properly, but i just think its a neat 'seasoning' of sorts to drawings (❁´◡`❁)

#long post #snap chats #everyone in rgg got flipper shoes i stg tho like evey time i look at everyones renders i gotta point it out to myself 😭 #speaking of. The Cycle. and Personal Experiences. arakawa walkin in on jo and ichi esp hits cause thats def a thing thats happened to mysel #its insane how one woman terrorizes my whole family but no cause i remember my mom would tear me a new one. Metaphorically #or she'd be pissed at my sis and i and my sis would just take us out for lunch and we'd talk bout it #Unsurprisingly my dad would do that for me growin up and he was there #i used to visit him on weekends when he lived nearby and those were my Peking Duck dinners in a sense #he'd just do his best to make sure i felt at home and making sure. i was cared for for once LMAO #so yeah to see that repeat in my family with my sister taking the role of my dad its like ow... #OH YEAH NO ITS BEEN A HOT YEAR SINCE I SAID HOW HARD IT WAS FOR ME TO GET THROUGH THE BEGINNING OF Y7 HUH #it hurts a lot to watch masumi's backstory since it's EXTREMELY personal and hits too close to home but i watch it anyway 🥴 #probably the first and only time a piece of media can actually 'trigger' me that badly i guess. how lame #i think ive updated my villain origin story enough tho. im sorry you also had a shit mom If Im Assuming Right #i wish it was easy to deal with bad parents but. well. if it was we wouldnt have them amiright #the best i can do is vent how i feel and at least try to have people in similar situations as me feel. understood. as corny as that sounds #its a little heinous to say Im Glad Our Experiences Are Similar cause id never wish my experiences on anyone else #but i guess i mean to say im glad we can understand each other in that regard #on a semi-better note. please dont hope for the comic anytime soon i only just finished sketching set pieces ( ´◡` ;;;) #I GOT DISTRACTED AGAAAINNNNN also its very cold and i dont work well in the cold. s'cause my fingers get all stiff EW #but i WILL have this one done i have too many abandoned projects i aint abandoning another one #with that in mind its funny you mention arakawas scar cause i did have a tiny baby thing in mind with it #nothing sad or serious this time just somethin cute even. if THAT ever happens we'll see it but yeah. just another funny case of Timing #alright bye bye for now i should work on this. after i answer your second ask HANG ON ILL SEE YOU THERE--

[fistfuloflightning]

Seeing @fixaidea’s hilarious body type post instantly triggered my tol & smol radar and now I want Mo Ran/Wei Wuxian content so bad 😩

#wei wuxian #mo ran #mdzs #the untamed #erha #dumb husky and his white cat shizun #2ha #I’d like my height difference with a side of angst please #tbh I can see this going several different ways #beyond the fact that their respective worlds would have to function under the same rules #depending on where they’re both at narrative-wise mo ran might identify closely with wwx #and might even be triggered by how similar lwj is to chu wanning (if mr is still in the og timeline) #logically speaking they wouldn’t work in the second halves of their stories #so it’d make sense for any connection being made during their disciple days on maybe a night hunt if they're in different sects #ramble #idk #i just think they're neat #twink and tank #I’ve got a type guys #I’m realizing I’m very predictable

[wickedhawtwexler]

wishing the man who lives next door to me a very die

#i call him mantrum because he throws these fucking ridiculous ass tantrums #like he has just been stomping around yelling for over an hour #at a person? on the phone? to himself? i have no idea #and then he acts all friendly to me in the hallways. ''can i help you carry your package up to your apartment?'' #my dude i hear you acting like a maniac so you can stay the fuck away from me #like i've lost my shit and yelled. we all do. but like. this is ridiculous lmao. #my mom used to do something very similar. like stomping around screaming for hours at a time. so it's a little triggering tbh 🙃 #m.txt

[thethingything]

ugh technically I'm supposed to go to bed early because we have an appointment in the morning but I don't want to go to bed early but I will almost innevitably end up passing out regardless

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #for some reason being given a set bedtime even if we set the bedtime freaks our brain out really bad #like it ranges from feeling weirdly tense and anxious to just outright having a panic attack and/or meltdown #and I don't fucking know why #it feels very similar to some other extremely specific and hard to describe triggers so I feel like they're related #but I can't really pinpoint what the connection is #vent post

[twogoliathbeetles]

for a lot of people i know the experience is very angsty and you don't actually want to die, so it's very difficult, but that's just not my experience at all... the happier i am the more likely i am to be suicidal, and the closer i get to doing it. when i was younger i was definitely suicidal because of depression or whatever but that's not how i feel anymore. anyway i tried to look up if this is a common experience and i can't find ANYTHING written by other people who feel this way at all. they were all articles about how you might fake being happy for other people to not feel bad for you... it's like. i'm not that nice a person, i just genuinely feel joy and suicidality together. i think the joy comes first. idk where this post is going. maybe it's a bit like a mixed state bipolar episode except i'm neither severely depressed nor manic? i don't feel unwell at all, and i don't want to pathologise something that's just a normal emotional experience for me, but that's the closest description i can find of it.

#.txt #suicide tw #i'd say more but i don't want to trigger anyone 😅😅😅 #i just think it's interesting how different people experience emotions differently #i was watching a video by a man who didn't feel sad after his mum died. not bc he didn't love her but bc he just didn't feel that way #a family friend i was very close to recently died and i barely felt anything tbh. just like. sorry i won't be able to talk to him #and ppl say 'oh it'll hit you at some point' idk. i have processed that he's dead. i've even cried about it #but i never rlly felt like. that unhappy. it was just my body reacting. i think it's a bad thing that's happened but i don't feel unhappy #i think these are two similar things u know #idk there's what. 8 billion people on this planet. so we're all bound to feel emotions differently #i think this is also why i feel so defensive when ppl try to act like mental illness is always soooo bad and like. angst ridden lol #like. i know most ppl would probably consider me mentally ill bc i'm suicidal. but i just don't feel unhappy?