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teamatsumu · 5 months

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services. (fushiguro toji x reader)

summary: With how hectic your life is, you have no room for relationships. But you still have needs, and so you decide to pay to have those needs met.

word count: 4372

warnings: fem!reader, escort!toji, porn with minimal plot, smut, unprotected sex, oral (fem!receiving), fingering, daddy kink, choking, biting, this is so self indulgent pls dont judge me.

A million guesses in the world and you never would have predicted that you would be spending your Saturday night like this.

The only sound in your living room was the tick, tick, tick of the wall clock, as well as your occasional fidgeting. Your jeans rustled from where your leg was bouncing, an outlet for your nervous energy. You played with the sleeves of your sweater, rocking back and forth just slightly. You couldn’t decide what you wanted to blame this jittery feeling on, your anxiety or the cold. You wanted to go with the latter but you knew that what you were doing right now meant it had to be the former.

Who else would be waiting for a fucking escort to come to their house?

You looked at the clock again and rolled your eyes at your own antics. It was still ten more minutes before he was supposed to get here. Why were you already so clammy and shaky? This was pathetic. Well, getting an escort was pretty pathetic in itself, but this had to be a new low.

Honestly, you hadn’t expected yourself to be in this position. When a coworker had been venting about how your grueling profession and long working hours left no room for having a personal life, you had enthusiastically agreed. It was something you had been struggling with for years. It was the reason your last boyfriend had broken up with you, saying your job was way too time consuming and he felt ignored. He hadn’t been wrong. You were working more hours than anyone else you knew. And while you loved your job and wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world, you knew it meant sacrificing relationships. Sacrificing love and intimacy and even the simple act of a physical touch.

At this point you were so touch starved it hurt.

Your coworker had then recommended this escort service, saying that it had literally saved her life. An over exaggeration on her part, you were sure, but when you had looked at their website and seen how systematic and professional everything was, you really were taken by surprise. The website was clean and organized, and it took everything into consideration. Hell, they even had you fill out a consent form that was almost six pages long, and it had every kink and sexual option known to mankind. The website claimed that the service had a sophisticated algorithm to make sure it matched every client with an escort best suited for their sexual needs, and it encouraged you to be completely honest when filling the form.

Your face had burned as you read through the form, but you thought long and hard about every option you ticked yes or no on. You were lost, truly, because you had a lot of fantasies in your head but many were ones you had never tried before, even with previous partners. It made you hesitate, and you wondered if these were things you wanted to try for the first time with a complete stranger.

“Oh, trust me, you do.” Mei Mei, your coworker, had responded when you talked to her about your woes. She swung her leg and she took a swig of her coffee, leaning back and giving you a teasing smirk. “When I say these men know what they are doing, they know what they are doing. I would argue this is the best option if you wanna be adventurous in the sheets. Because no matter how you respond, the guy will know how to handle it.”

So after many days of ruminating and carefully curating your form, choosing yes on every option you wanted to try, you had taken a deep breath and submitted it. You felt instant regret as soon as you clicked send, wondering what the fuck you were doing. You were a successful career woman, and here you were, hiring a man to come fuck you in sinful ways. God, what had you come to? If your ex could see you now….

Over the next few days, you went through the payment process and finalizing a time slot for yourself. You talked on the phone to a very nice sounding middle aged lady who had the perfect customer service voice, who told you all the details you needed to know, how many hours your were getting, sending you a number where you could contact the agency afterwards, and a whole bunch of other stuff, finally ending it by letting you know the name of the man they had matched you up with.

Fushiguro Toji.

You gulped as you wrote the name down on the paper you were noting everything else on, tuning out her next words for a bit as you stared down at it. So this was the man you were going to have sex with. Was this okay? Or had you completely lost your mind and your self respect officially?

When you finally hung up, you mulled over the option of just canceling. But the thought only annoyed you. Come on, Y/N, what’s the big deal? The lady on the phone said they were a large, country wide agency who had thousands of clients. So they’re probably doing something right. And who cares? You’re a hardworking woman, and you still have needs. You’re just fulfilling a need you have. That’s it.

Pull yourself together.

And so here you were, on a cold Saturday evening, waiting for this Fushiguro Toji to show up at your door. You nearly jumped out of your skin when the doorbell rang, just two minutes before the agreed time. You stood up quickly, swaying a bit because of how shaky your legs felt, before taking a deep breath and walking to the door. You put your eye up to the peephole, cursing when you saw only chest and shoulders, unable to get a glimpse of his face. You were so panicked that you didn’t even register that this meant he was extremely tall. You only clocked in that fact when you finally opened the door.

It was the first thing you noticed. Just how massive he was. Even though his loose sweatshirt hid most of him, there was no questioning how broad his shoulders were, or how he stood so tall that you nearly dwarfed in comparison. You felt your heart skip, swooning. 10/10 for the escort agency on the size kink option. This man was huge.

He had jet black hair, spiky but tamed, and it looked soft as hell. He looked down at you with a little smirk, and your eye caught the scar on the corner of his mouth. It somehow added to how sexy he was, and you swallowed hard. Yup, this guy was a walking wet dream.

You wanted to slam the door in his face.

He said your name questioningly, and you nodded to confirm your identity. Out of instinct, you said his name back, making him nod and his lip curl up just a bit more. You nearly shivered when his eyes quickly mapped over your figure. For a brief second, you wished you had dressed up a bit more than just your jeans and a sweater, but you doubted you could still look half as good as he did.

“C-come in.” You choked out, stepping aside to let him in. He lumbered inside, movements almost slow and lazy, but still smooth. Your breath hitched when his cologne flooded your senses. Fuck. He also smelled great.

Your hesitation only increased, but you shook your head. He’s probably been with a ton of women. His whole job is to look good and be good in bed. Of course he was attractive. The agency had promised that all their workers were physically good looking. You just hadn’t guessed they would be sex on legs.

By the time you closed the door, locked it and trudged into the living room, Toji was standing in the center of it, looking around with slow movements of his eyes. His hands were buried in the pockets of his jeans, and he was biting the inside of his cheek. He turned to look at you once you were in view again, and you watched him give you another once over. You tugged on your sleeves again, fueling your nervous habit. You heard him snort.

“My boss was right. You’ve never done this before.”

You blinked, not expecting him to say that, or have such a rough tone. It almost offended you, like he thought you were some loser. When he saw your scowl, he immediately raised his hands with a chuckle.

“Don’t mean it in a bad way, sweetheart. It’s kinda cute. Just took me off guard, considering the shit you ticked off on your form.”

Now that made you flush and fidget. The knowledge that this stranger knew everything you wanted in the bedroom was a little unnerving, and pairing that with how heated his gaze suddenly got, and you felt your core stir.

“Would you like some tea?” You blurted out, at a loss for what else to say. He raised his eyebrow in response, making you cringe.

“Or coffee.” You added weekly. “Or we could uh…. just start. Um, go to the bedroom? I don’t-” Your face was so hot, you wanted to cry. Finally, you sighed and gave up, feeling your shoulders slump. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

This made Toji let out a hearty cackle, walking to your couch and dropping heavily on it. He patted the spot next to him, which you promptly took, unable to meet his eyes any longer. You convinced yourself that you couldn’t have done this worse, so there was no way to go but up since you had already hit rock bottom.

“Why’d ya get an escort service?” Toji asked, snapping you from your thoughts. You looked at him and saw genuine curiosity in his eyes, under the bored veneer that stretched over his face. You shrugged.

“I work too much. I wanted stress relief. My coworker said your agency was good. Now I’m kinda regretting it.” You explained concisely.

The tiniest of smirks took residence on Toji’s face at your last words, his body turned towards you. He hooked his arm over the back of the couch, resting his head on his balled up fist as he stared at you. “You won’t regret it by the time I’m done with you, sweetheart.”

Your breath caught at his words, body stiffening. To Toji’s trained eye, your movement was obvious, and it made him chuckle.

“You like that? Well, I can’t be surprised. You’re big on dirty talk, aren’t ya?”

He moved closer as he talked, one hand reaching out until his finger was tracing down your cheekbone, over your jaw, up until he reached your lips. Your heart was beating a mile a minute, and your mouth opened on instinct.

“Wonder what kind of talk ya like more? Praise? You wanna be called a good girl? Or maybe the other kind? Maybe you’re a desperate little slut?”

His voice was rough, the air was charged, and despite the cold, heat flooded your veins. You felt like you could barely breathe, afraid to make any motion that could push Toji away. You felt your core pulse when he leaned forward.

“You familiar with the color system for safewords?”

You nodded almost imperceptibly. He hummed.

“Good.”

And then his lips were meeting yours.

It was slow, lazy, like all of his movements. His lips dragged over yours in an almost sensual way. His hand cupped the back of your head and tilted it to his liking, deepening the kiss more. His tongue teased your lips until you parted them, darting inside to slide it over yours. Your eyes rolled shut, shivers running over your spine, hands reaching up instinctively to curl into the material of his sweatshirt. He facilitated every move your mouth made, as if egging you to keep going, and you responded in kind, arching closer to him, pressing harder on his lips, even licking into his mouth a bit, albeit shyly. You felt his mouth curl as he pulled away, a wet squelch as your lips separated. You whined in protest, not even recognizing your voice, and he chuckled.

“We’ve got all night, sweets. Take it easy.”

His hands maneuvered you until he had you in his lap, and it was your first taste of Toji’s strength. You nearly keened at how easy it was for him to pull you around, and you once again felt your insides clench. Being on top of him made you feel intimately all the hard planes of his torso, and you finally let your hands wander. Toji didn’t stop you, watching your fingers disappear under his sweatshirt and meet his bare skin. You sucked in a sharp breath, tilting your head up to meet his lips again as your hands began their exploration.

Toji hummed, letting you guide the kiss this time, and you realized that he had played his cards very carefully to make sure you would come out of your shell. The thought turned you on even more, and you were absolutely sure that you had completely soaked through your lacy underwear by now. You pawed on his shirt, tugging it a bit.

“Take this off, please.”

Toji bit at your bottom lip. “Please what?”

You felt yourself flush hot, picking up on his implication. Another thing you had mentioned on your form. Your body stiffened but Toji squeezed at your sides, hands slipping under your sweater to rub your skin.

“Say it, baby. And I’ll do what you want.”

His lips were wandering, past your mouth, over your jaw and down your neck until his teeth were nibbling on the skin under your ear. Your eyes rolled up, subconsciously grinding down on his lap.

“Please,” you gasp when he sucked hard, likely leaving a hickey. “Please, daddy.”

Toji groaned, the first noise he had made all night, and it shot straight to your pussy. He reached behind him to tug his sweatshirt off, exposing him in all his muscled glory. Your mouth watered at the sight, hands running over him freely. You couldn’t believe you had this man under you, letting you grope and feel him up like this, looking up at you with eyes so predatory it nearly set off alarms in your head. Your touch was getting more and more firm as you continued touching him, his hands pushing down on your hips to encourage the way you were grinding on him. You felt his erection rub right between your legs, where you wanted him most, and you bit your lip in response. He felt big. Definitely the biggest you had ever had. You didn’t even have to look at it to know it would be a tight fit, and the thought of it made excitement zip through you. Your initial nervousness was dissipating, and all your repressed urges were now floating freely in your head.

You needed him to ruin you.

The thought made your movements more frantic, tugging and pulling at Toji, moaning into his lips when his hands wandered under your sweater and groped harshly at your breasts. God, when was the last time a man had touched you like this? You were so wet it made your whole body arch, pulsing with need.

“Daddy. Want- want you.” You whimpered in his ear, feeling his intake of breath at your words. Toji tugged your sweater off, pushing you back so he could take you in. You knew you already looked like a mess, and the thought made your face heat up. Toji smirked at you, stretching the little scar on the corner of his mouth. Without thinking, you leaned forward, licking at the healed over skin. His grip on your hips got impossibly tighter, and you knew it would leave bruises. He stood up, making you quickly wrap your legs around his waist, before walking towards your bedroom, which you pointed out. His lips never left your neck, nipping at any part he could reach, licking over you. You wondered if Toji had a thing for biting.

He was indulging everything you wanted, but a part of you wanted to indulge him too.

He tugged off your jeans and panties as soon as he had you lying on the bed, leaving you in only your bra. Your shyness seemed to have melted away at this point, your brain so foggy with need that you couldn’t think of anything except having him on top of you. Toji was quick to discard his own jeans, leaving him in his boxers, which were straining against the daunting bulge of his cock. You licked your lips at the sight, and the action didn’t go unnoticed by the man, who gave you a grin.

“You want my dick?”

You nodded eagerly, spreading your legs on instinct when he draped himself over you, slotting himself in the space you created. He hummed and licked his lips, eyes wandering over your figure. You felt yourself clench again at the heat behind his eyes.

“Let me get a taste of you first, sweetheart. Then you can have me.”

And then he lowered himself until his face was level with your bare pussy, breath fanning over it in a way that made your eyes flutter. You shouldn’t be shocked at how brazen he was, since this was his job, but it still surprised you. Your thoughts quickly melted away though, when he licked a fat stripe from the bottom to the top of your slit, parting your lips until he could lick at you unencumbered, swiping his tongue over your heat over and over.

You gasped and arched into him, feeling shivers run down your spread legs. Fuck, he was good. Of course he was good. His movements were purposeful, like he had done this a million times before (which he probably had). His tongue seemed to know every little nook and cranny that needed attention, gliding over your cunt until he circled your hole, sinking into the opening. You cried out when the tip hit your walls just right, enough stimulation to feel good but not nearly enough to satisfy. His lips and tongue left you breathless and wanting more. His massive hands held your thighs apart, teeth nibbling at your clit slightly until you were whining under him.

“Fuck. Toji.” Your voice already sounded so wrecked.

When his finger tip prodded at your entrance, you barely had time to process before he was sinking in, knuckle-deep. You cried out at the intrusion, eyes rolling when he curled it and seemed to immediately find your spot. You felt his lips twist up into a smirk when you cursed, knowing he had you.

His movements were merciless, one finger becoming two and pumping in and out of you so fast you were sure he would rip you apart. No matter how hard you clenched, his fingers were undeterred, as if he was adamant on ruining your cunt. You could hear the squelching of your juices, the sound filthy and so sexy it put you right on the edge. Toji seemed to notice. His dark eyes burned into yours, mouth lifting from your clit to let his fingers do all the work while he watched your writhe under his touch.

“You gonna cum, babygirl? Gonna soak my fucking hand? C’mon, baby. Wanna feel this pussy drench me. C’mon. Cum.”

His voice was so rough, adding to the sensations until you felt dizzy, muscles snapping stiff as you came all over his fingers. The noises grew even wetter, your juices flowing past his knuckles and down to his wrist. He hummed his approval, the sound set deep in his chest, eyes zoned in on your fluttering lips. When he pulled out, you let out a long, deep sigh. Your legs were trembling as Toji made his way up to you, licking up your neck before nipping at your earlobe.

“You got such a perfect cunt, baby.” He moaned into your ear, hips grinding down and pressing his clothed cock against you. “Perfect little pussy, fuck. You tellin’ me you haven’t been feedin’ her with cock on a daily basis? Because that’s what she deserves. To be stuffed full with a big dick every night. Soppy little filthy pussy like that needs loving daily.”

You keened at Toji’s words, your breath catching at how lewd he was being. He hooked a thumb into his boxers and tugged them down until his heavy cock sprang free and hit his stomach, tip flushed an angry maroon shade and leaking precum. Your mouth watered at the sight, not even caring about how big he was or how wide he would stretch you. You whined and wrapped your legs around his waist, trying to pull him closer.

“Need you, Daddy.” You breathed out.

“You have me, little girl.” He cooed, almost taunting. His lips were twisted into a wide grin, looking down at you with unbridled lust. You noticed how red the tips of his ears were, flushed down his neck as well. His hair was pushed back haphazardly out of his eyes, and his body was covered by a thin sheen of sweat. His eyes were blown.

When Toji finally sank his cock into you, in one slow stroke, he groaned and cursed loudly, sinking down to his elbows on either side of your head. He let out a long breath, cursing again before a large, rough hand came up and wrapped around your neck, squeezing the sides just a bit. You gasped and arched into him, eyelids fluttering. The light haziness in your head was now intensifying as Toji bullied his cock slowly but surely into your cunt, no matter how much it tried to resist the intrusion.

“Fuck.” His voice broke a little. And somehow, that was better than the orgasm he had just pulled out of you. Knowing you had that kind of effect on this man who had never met you before, that you were reducing him to this just by your body alone, made you feel powerful. You clenched around him on purpose, and his grip on your neck tightened, making you freeze. He looked down at you, his grin almost manic.

“You playin’ games with me, sweetheart? Nasty little slut. I never would’ve thought.”

He pulled out then, until only the tip of his cock was inside you, before surging forward, hips slamming hard into you. You screamed and arched, and Toji didn’t give you a second more, thrusting into you in earnest.

“You forgot I was the boss here, little girl. Me. Say it.”

You could barely choke the words out, having the wind knocked out of you with every brush of his cock on your g-spot.

“Y-you’re-” You screamed at a particularly brutal thrust, legs kicking and twitching. Toji’s grip on your neck tightened, and you could no longer breathe. Your eyes crossed at the feeling.

“Look at you. Can’t even say a word. Such a whore for daddy.”

When he eased his hold, you took in big gulps of air, only a few moments before he tightened his grip again. His movements didn’t slow down for one second, driving his cock into you at a maddening pace.

“I’m gonna-” You didn’t finish. You couldn’t. Because in that moment, your orgasm crashed into you like a freight train, so intense you could barely breathe, even despite Toji loosening the hold he had on your neck. Your vision blackened, stars bursting over it as you writhed and twitched under him. He didn’t stop fucking into you, didn’t even pause. He groaned when you came around his cock, and he kept going.

You realized that this was just the beginning of a very long night.

………………………………..

It was around 4 in the morning when you tapped out. Or rather, Toji finally let you tap out.

You had come so many times you couldn’t count. You had positively lost all feeling in your legs, and every muscle in your body was sore and buzzing. Toji had pulled and twisted you into every position known to man, spanked and slapped you around, choked you, tugged on your hair until your scalp tingled, and had stuffed his cock, fingers and tongue into your abused pussy so many times you felt like you were dying. It was the most you had ever felt, every sensation amplified, crying until tears soaked your cheeks, cumming until you just couldn’t anymore. He quite literally fucked the soul out of you, plain and simple.

Now you were lying on your side on the bed, watching with half lidded, barely open eyes as Toji tugged his clothes back onto his glorious, god-like frame. He had only a few marks. Your teeth marks on his neck and shoulders, and some scratches down his back. Compared to you, bitten and bruised all over, he looked unaffected.

He turned to look at you, smirking when he saw that you were already watching.

“You sure you’re done? Ya have me for two more hours at least.”

You nodded and let out an unflattering snort. “If I had to go one more round you might have to take me to the hospital.”

He let out a laugh at that, walking closer to you. He fished in the pocket of his sweatpants, pulling out a small, rectangular card. You could barely make out his name and number.

“Don’t call the service next time. Call me directly.”

You raised a teasing eyebrow. “You do personal services?”

He shrugged in return, sending you a sleazy wink. “Only for really sweet cunts like yours.”

You groaned and buried your face in the mattress, hearing him laugh loudly before standing up.

“I’ll see myself out.”

You didn’t move until you heard the front door slam, feeling your lips tug up in a smile. You would have to thank Mei Mei profusely for her recommendation. And now you understood that she didn’t exaggerate the effectiveness of this escort service.

This was definitely not the last time you would be seeing Fushiguro Toji.

#toji fushiguro #toji x reader #toji fushigro x reader #fushiguro toji x reader #toji fushiguro smut #fushiguro toji smut #jjk x reader #jjk smut #jujutsu kaisen smut #jujutsu kaisen x reader #toji x you #toji x y/n #toji one shot #toji imagine

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smoshyourheadin · 24 days

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Sunshine and Soda Cans

Part 1 - Fizzes

you’d joined smosh in summer last year, just after anthony’s return. you’d watched smosh with your brother as a kid, so getting this editing job was a dream come true. although you hadn't watched their stuff in years, you quickly adapted to the quick thinking environment.

you got the job from your roommate angela, who was a cast member. you guys are super close, so when she mentioned that they had an editing vacancy, you jumped at the opportunity to leave your job at a marketing company to go work woth her. living with angela proved useful, because after your first day, you asked her about spencer, and oh did she have stuff to tell you.

“hey hey, whats the deal with the uh, spencer guy at work?” you said to her at dinner.

“(Y/N) ITS THE FIRST DAY AND YOU ALREADY HAVE THE HOTS FOR SPENCER?? I MEAN I’D UNDERSTAND IF IT WAS SOMEONE LIKE-” she began shouting, laughing at your face as you blushed

“jelly i- please, just- okay yeah, he’s cute but i don't want to make a move, he’s basically my boss!”

“this is also true. okay so…” she begins to ramble to this spencer guy you, as you eat your spaghetti. he’s so totally your type, but would you make a move? you can't decide.

the days passed, and soon enough you’d been at smosh for a month now. angela, being angela, had one day let slip to amanda of your small crush on spencer

“(y/n)!! get your butt over here!” she beamed at you, so you obliged, because who wouldn't listen to amanda? she's 6 feet of pure love, you listen to everything she says

“a little birdie, who cant keep her mouth shut after two glasses of wine, told me that you like spencer?” she looks at you, a certain glint in her eye

“okay, maybe, JUST maybe, i have a teeny, tiny crush on him. BUT i don't think im going to make a move.” you looked into her eyes, feeling dejected, because you felt he would never like you back.

the events that ensued, you couldn't even keep up with. every day on set, amanda would rake you into a conversation she was having with spencer, or angela would ask you to go to his desk give him something off her. you weren't nescaserily complaining, but it was less than ideal, because you became a stuttering mess around him.

“hey spence, um- angela wanted me to give you this, i mean i dont know why she didnt bring it herself, its kind of lazy, she is, i mean- she isnt but she has me running around for her, but thats friendship right? i mean i’d make her do that, but not if-”

he gazes up into your eyes and gently places a hand on your arm, sending small jolts through your body.

“dude, it’s just me, relax!” he smiles at you, as you give him the mt dew kickstart angela sent you over to give him.

“tell angela thanks by the way!” he said, as you walked over to angela, who was trying not to break out into a big smirk

“oh spencer! angela is making me do things for her! oh woe is me! hold me incase i fall!” she placed the back of her palm to her forehead, dramatically falling into amanda’s arms

“hey! thats not what i sounded like! right? i didn't. right.” you said, becoming increasingly concerned if it was that obvious. courtney, erin d, and arasha walked over to you guys

“hey dudes,” courtney began “whats up with you guys?”

“oh, i bet theyre taking about how (y/n) is totally into spencer” arasha said, stifling a giggle.

you stood with your mouth slightly agape, gawking at her remark.

“is it really that obvious!?” you whined, slumping into a chair.

“i mean,” erin looked at you, as you tried folding into the air to disappear, “we’re the only ones who’ve noticed so far, but i don't think the boys have caught on! i think you're good”

“maybe minus josh,” courtney added, “i was sat with him and he asked me about why (y/n) was ‘oogling at spencer’ on that board af video. but he wont tell, he’s too nice”

a few days pass, and your crush on spencer had become slightly bigger. taking advantage of this, courtney decided to make you, angela, and spencer (the ‘golden trio’ as the fans called you) do an episode of who meme'd it.

“hello and welcome everyone to a brand spankin’ new episode of who memed it!” shayne began, earning a small round of applause from the crew.

“today, we have everyone’s favourite roommates and spencer!”

you were leant on angela’s shoulder, but perked up to smile at the camera

“hi guys!” angela grins at the camera, waving aggressively

“dude!” spencer yelled at shayne “why cant i be the favourite roommate!” he looked dejected

“spencer, we lived together and i have never slept worse, the only thing in our apartment was mt dew and granola bars!!”

“okay, you got me”

you look over at him and giggle, feeling your cheeks begin to warm up

as the rounds go on, angela is on 5 points, you’re on 4, and spencer is on 8.

“okay, next meme!” shayne boasts

the next thing on screen made everyone cackle.

immediately, shayne starts giggling, and puts his fists against the wall, not being able to look at any of you. angela is crying with laughter, and even spencer is giggling. you just stare into the camera in shock.

through tears, shayne manages “oh my- all- alright who memed it, was it tommy, josh, was it courtney, or was it erin, our lovely producer”

you each place your guesses, and its revealed to be a secret shayne meme. you swear you could burn holes through him.

after wrap, you went off with angela giggling about some of the things, your mind still racing from being so close to spencer. for so long. it was cringey, yes, but you felt so exited when you were around him, you couldn't help it!

but little did anyone know, spencer was just as infatuated with you, and he was waiting for the day be mustered up the courage to ask you out

#smosh #spencer agnew #spencer agnew x reader #courtney miller #amanda lehan canto #arasha lalani #angela giarratana #shayne topp #smoshyourheadin

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luimagines · 2 months

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IT IS I! THE WIZARD!

I wanna write a story, but it would be weird to write so here it is:

(Warning: swearing)

A reader who can speak to the dead, can see spirits. They chat often with the villains because they hang around them often, and often ask the reader to tell the Links messages.

The reader collects cursed items, having the strange ability to quell the corrupting powers (for example, they can use Majora's Mask with no negative effect). So they have like cursed knives, Majora, a few shards of the mirror of twilight glued together (I know it's impossible but let me dreeeeaaam-), that kind of stuff.

So like, something like this would happen:

»»————-　★　————-««

Reader walks up to Four, listening to thr whispers of their spirit friend, Vaati. He had asked to give a message to Link, 'The short one that looks like a f*cked up kinstone', and Reader was too kind to say no. They always knew that spirits that lingered often suffered in pain. Maybe it would help Vaati pass on?

"Hey, Four." Reader said, and Four turned.

"Oh, hello, Reader. Do you need something?"

"I have a message for you." They said, eyes glowing a dim blue, like a luminous stone. "Vaati said 'You're a loser, no maidens?'"

Four passed, a mix of confusion and horror on his face. "I'm sorry, WHO told me WHAT?!"

»»————-　★　————-««

Reader held Majora in their hands, staring into the great yellow eyes, invested in its whispers. A cough pulled them out of their trance, and Time sat next to it, giving a caughtous glance at the mask. "You seem enamored with that thing."

"I do. . . don't i?" Reader said wistfully. They sighed. "Do you know what it's like. . . seeing the dead? Hearing their woes and being able to do. . . anything? It's painful, watching them suffer."

"Why do you keep it, of you know it's story?" Time asked, frowning. Reader sighed, running a hand on their head.

"You probably wouldn't understand." They explained. "Spirits are more complex than a dungeon clever could be. . . this one has taken a liking to me. . . or. . at least is trying to control me."

Time stiffened. "I've worn it, Majora. He always throws a fit when I do because he cannot invade my mind." Reader explained, turning back to Time and pointing at the marks under their eyes. "These marks are like the ones you have. Proof of my power over it."

Time huffed and Reader suddenly snapped their head back to the mask, eyes glowing blue. Time watched them nod to it, and slowly turn back to Time, eyes still glowing creepily as they slowly asked "He wants to know if you've become a mask salesman too. . ."

»»————-　★　————-««

"You've lost someone important to you. . . haven't you?" Reader asked Legend on night. He was on watch duty, and the others were asleep. He glared at Reader.

"What?" Legend asked, sounding offended.

"I don't mean to insult!" Reader said quickly. "It's just. . ." Their eyes turned blue, as they looked next to him. The familiar humming of a tune oh so forgien yet familiar to their ears clwas heard only by them, sung by the spirit next to Legend in the pretty blue dress and red hair. "I can see her. . . Was she close to you?"

Legend froze. "What the hell are you talking about? Is this some kind of sick joke?!"

Sensing and watching him grow angry, Reader gave a sympathetic smile. "She likes to hum a pretty tune, you know. as if she is trying tell you it's okay. She can't speak, sadly."

He continued to glare, about combust until they began to him the tune. That tune which he missed of so dearly. The tune he'd trade EVERYTHING he own To be around again.

Reader continued to hum the tune, closing their eyes and doing their best to match the woman's tune when she felt Legend shaking next to them. They stopped and opened their eyes to see him shaking, head in his hands.

"D-dont stop" He said, his voice breaking and shaking. Reader nodded and continued, and his shaking voice started to sing the lyrics softly, leaning into Reader. They wrapped their arms around them, providing some warmth, to comfort the tired, broken, hero, that the lady in blue could not anymore. . .

»»————-　★　————-««

Either blunt as a dull butter knife or extremely creepy, or comforting. No inbetween. They've got three looks. And That's IT.

Thats all. Thanks for comeing to my Ted talk

I mean.... this could be a pretty decent story if you chose to write it out.

Thank you for sending this in.

This would be like... every Link's worst nightmare. The idea that the people who taunted them and nearly destroyed everything they held dear is still dissing them from the beyond? Horrendous.

They will never be free.

#pinky replies #anon stories #to be completely honest #from a philosophical stand point #I have to disagree with Reader #If ghosts are people stuck in their ways from before they died #then the person who was alive is more complicated than their ghost #and the villains- while alive- chose to do bad #I can't bring myself to feel sorry for them #because they made their choice when they had the chance to change #and you know #not suck #even if it this is fictional and I'm probably taking this too seriously #it just rubbed me the wrong way #probably not the take away you wanted me to get from this #but now I'm here ^.^*

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barb-l · 5 months

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A, R, U?

(🫶🏽 thank you for your support)

Oh man. I dont wanna sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but I genuinely find it hard to choose because I love my fics dearly. I enjoy writing so much, almost as much as I do drawing.

In no particular order, one of them is my Power Rangers 2017 fic Code Yellow. Idk if I've told her this(probably not cuz i dont much like to talk about my feelings) but the premise of Kimberly and the rest of the OG's being much older than the next rangers, with Kimberly serving as the next Yellow Ranger's mentor was inspired by my friendship with another PR fic writer(if you know unicorn affair then you know she's a legend). We became friends when I was like 17 and still relatively new to accepting my queerness, so getting to be friends with an older sapphic woman who was very kind, into the same things I was, and was in a loving relationship with another woman? It was very comforting and filled me with hope. Kimberly and Aisha's dynamic aren't the same as my dynamic with that person, but I can say that I projected a lot of my feelings over the warm comfort of having a friend that was like an older sister to Aisha.

I haven't made myself finish it yet, but I have hope I will even now years later. This is a snippet from my drafts

Another one is "Courtship Woes", the second part of a fic series for probably the craziest ship I've ever shipped, Wednesday Addams and Lydia Deetz from the musical version of Beetlejuice. It's a very different Wednesday from what a lot of you are probably used to in my Wenclair fics tho, as it's characterized as a mixture of Ms Ricci's version in the 90's movie and the animated version voiced by Chloe Grace Moretz. While I like to think of Jenna's Wednesday to be more like Morticia, I wrote this Wednesday to be a lot more like Gomez. So I guess I already have written a Gomezified Wednesday. Huh.

And, predictably, the other one is "raven in the den, wolf in the nest". I'm still really proud of what I've accomplished for this fic. The final chapter was especially very healing to write with Wednesday's confession affecting Enid's confrontation with Esther in the climax of the fic. The whole point of the Addams Family isn't the gothicness necessarily, but that they were supposed to be the topsy-turvy of what is conventional. It was one of the main points of that fic, with Morticia fainting over the thought of her wonderful spawn dating an adorable rainbow being the topsy-turvy version of the disapproving parent trope. That confession was supposed to go along with that theme too. In typical stories that involve monsters, the crux of that romance is the person's love of the other person despite them being a beast. But Wednesday isn't a typical girl. Loving a murderous beast would be what's expected of a grim girl like Wednesday, but the best thing about Wenclair is how they still keep the topsy-turvy theme for Addamses. Enid is insecure about not being the ferocious monster she's supposed to be, yet despite all odds Wednesday loves her regardless. She grew so dang attached to her even before Enid got the chance to shift and that's both so unexpected but makes so much sense of Wednesday Addams.

Fredrik Backman is my absolute favorite writer. The way he writes grief and loneliness alongside humor and love in his works is just phenomenal. It just saddens me that I do not understand a lick of Swedish and can only rely on the english translated copies, so I can't say that I fully know how he writes his prose as translations can only go so far. But I can say that the emotions he evokes in his writings is what I always try to strive for. To make my readers tear up as much as I could make them laugh. Or maybe more of the latter. Like a warm hug.

(also wow that's very wenclai--)

I apologize for cheating and choosing my OC's, but I think I'd want to actually write a fic with Vega and Sora someday.

#asks #this became a monster sorry

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prophetofnothing · 7 months

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Hey. hi. do you wanna hear my teen wolf homestuck classpects. of course you do.

thank you for listening. theres more characters i want to do but i still havent been able to settle on anything yet. reasoning below the cut

scott: maid of blood. very blood player. his whole life revolves around his relationships, his love life, his friendships, his pack, his mother and father. hes also all about being a true alpha and a natural leader. these are all blood player traits. maids are generally quite passive, starting out with an absence of their aspect and relying on others for it. sounds like scott! he relies on the people in his life to keep him anchored, relies on derek to teach him how to use his abilities, relies on stiles' friendship and is generally quite passive in his role as a protagonist. eventually maids get so much of their aspect they dont know what to do with it. this happens to scott as he comes into his own as an alpha and has to navigate being the leader of his pack.

jackson: thief of life. thief theif thief. his jealousy, his competitiveness. this guy can be a hundred miles away and you can still see hes a theif. thieves horde their aspect, they want to be the best at their aspect, and if anyone else tries to be better than them they will shit and puke themselves to death. i make him a theif of life because he killed people as the kanima (stealing their lives) so i think it is fitting in that sense. but life also represents affluence, healing, growth. jackson is always trying to flex his wealth and his talent and his academic prowess. he wants to prove he has a better life than anyone else. i think its also fitting with his character arc, because he had to heal the emotional baggage that prevented him from becoming an actual werewolf.

lydia: seer of doom, because she can see when people are going to die. that much is obvious. i debated on making her a mage because she suffers a lot from her aspect but the knowledge mage's gain through their suffering is more for their benefit, while seer's knowledge is for the benefit of others. shes also a seer because she gravitates a lot to knowledge, even outside of her banshee abilities. shes a smart girl! she loves insight! she knows a lot, and she shares that with other people. this is also why i debate on making her a light player, since light is also about attention ('spotlight' and 'bringing light to something'), knowledge and intelligence. but i think the doom aspect has way more influence on her character, since goddamn does this shit plague her. doom players are like that. their life is defined a lot by sucking real bad. and her moments of intelligence can generally be attributed to her seer-iness. so seer of doom is my final assessment, as she acts both like a seer and a doom player, and it takes into account the banshee part of her character more. mage of light secondary maybe? or maybe seer of light primary, and mage of doom secondary. could go either way.

derek: heir of rage. okay so. i dont know that much about how heirs themselves act, but their thing generally is being surrounded by their aspect. and rage represents.... any negative emotions. anger. grief. hate. suffering. as well as ugly truths. well, its safe to say derek is surrounded by that. one could say his entire life is dictated by rage. this is a little bit biased but i think heirs can be a little woe is me. because its not usually their fault that their aspect surrounds them all the damn time, that shit just gravitates to them. and like derek. yeah. he gets to have all the rage in the world, what with his whole family burning to death, and having to kill his first love, and the banshee pussy gone wrong event etcetera. and if you take it literally i also think he straight up is a rageful guy. he totally has a reason for it but yeah boy hes fucking mad and brooding and shit all the time and thats absolutely a side effect of being a rage player.

stiles: mage of heart. this one was so hard and i couldnt tell you why. i tried overthinking it a lot but in the end i just went with my gut instinct. and that tells me stiles is a heart player. hes just so full of heart! hes a funny, silly guy, with a lot of feelings bursting out of that head of his. he contrasts mind a lot with his impulsiveness and instinct and biases. hes rarely objective, hes really in his head, and he never misses an opportunity to voice his feelings. heart all the way. the other shoe of this is that hes a mage. now, if you look at this before void stiles, mage is still sort of fitting because we know that his impulsiveness as part of his adhd is making him fail in school, thereby making him suffer through heart. but heart is also about identity. and if you look at his season 3b arc... yeah. its all about losing himself to the nogitsune. literally not knowing whether hes his true self or not. and for a heart player that loss of identity, that struggle to find yourself, is suffering through heart. mage is also a knowledge class, which i think accounts for stiles detective work and penchant for sticking his nose into things.

allison: page of mind. shes a page. shes a fucking page. before i started writing this i was trying so hard to fit her in the knight box. allison dont be a page. dont be a page. youre too badass to be a page. but i cant deny it. fuck. i cant deny it. she just absolutely is one. okay. mind first. mindheart dichotomy is about being driven by logic vs being driven by emotions, among other things. and thats something thats had a really big hand in shaping allison's life. she doesnt want to be emotional, she wants to be objective. but at first she just isnt. good at that. its what shes trying to convince people she is. she pretends she isnt scared but she is, and there are cracks where her emotions show through, where you can see that she is just as weak and lost as she feels. but as the show progresses she begins to excel at mind. she uses her steady arrowhand, her level-headedness to help her friends. and thats what pages do. theyre about potential. they put on a front at first to convince people theyre good at their aspect when they really arent, but as time passes they come into their own and unlock to their full potential.

that is everyone ive done so far. if i do anyone else ill make a seperate post for it because this is already too long.

#scott mccall #stiles stilinski #derek hale #lydia martin #allison argent #jackson whittemore #teen wolf classpects #teen wolf

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heartyearning · 5 months

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smth which i feel & i don't know if it's true/real or if it's something only i'm experiencing in an interaction but .. when autistic it is so hard to take the idea of taking up space to heart. like i dont think you actually want me to do that is the thing. this sounds so 14yr old vent post (no offense to 14 yr olds you'll get it when u get it) but its not like oh woe is me everyone hates me its that i notice that i have discussions with professors which go on for way too long because i'm enjoying talking to them and i think they are enjoying it too, except i'm also hyperaware of time passing and the fact that they need to speak to many other students except *I* dont know how to end a conversation in the middle of that conversation. that seems like something teachers should have to learn to do. sort of just set barriers around time. therapists (at least mine) are good at doing this so naturally it's crazy.

anyway theres that and then on the other hand i just wanted to say the completely unrevolutionary thing that it is SO exhausting to be constantly tuned into what someone else is feeling/thinking because god forbid you say something they interpret as disrespectful and they either point it out like adults or they take responsibility for their own feelings. actually deeply fucked. just had a call with my mother btw and apparently some things have been festering & talking to her kinda made me put them into words and realise that i'm actually mad at like 3 of my teachers for making me do SO much extra work because they refuse to meet me on my level. and 2 other teachers are in this same sitch except we're sorta on the same level anyway so that helps and i really like them so even when i do heavy lifting i get so much more out of it so that makes it ok (and also theyre just New so its more a thing of getting the hang of them more than anything else) anyway now i will go to sleep and quite likely have stress based nightmares about this exact thing (again!) good night <3

#school's a bit fucked cause you want to go to learn a bunch of different things but you learn a lot of like. anticipating others' emotions #WHICH IS NOT THE SAME AS WORKING COLLABORATIVELY WHICH ID LIKE TO BE DOING. BTW.#also its so specifically a People In Authority problem i dont have this issue with classmates. even those i mask around more than my friend

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blacktinnedpeaches · 11 months

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anyway - cw for eating disorder / weight loss talk. this is gonna get really long probably. im actually ok now im just typing to get my feelies out

my alpaca arrived today! it's really nice, i will buy the rst of it for sure

after my minor menty b earlier ben cornered me on the sofa and was so lovely about it all actually. i get the feeling that the ED stuff freaks him out more than anything else that one might call Cham's Madnesses, but he was v encouraging and kind + i think we're basically on the same page really - im genuinely ok but as he put it he's concerned ill be ok until the second i fall off the ok-cliff, and i know what he means lol ofc. he was like not really surprised by any of my feelings bc he (paraphrasing this) basically was like you like to talk about it like it's all in the past but in reality you've not spent any time at all dealing w/ your eating disorder thoughts (as opposed to behaviours) and i mean he's not wrong is he lol?? ah i hate it when he's right :/ he told me to put the brakes on re: the weight loss (to be fully transparent here ive been eating in a calorie deficit on purpose for ~9? months, and i say that only bc ive danced around the truth on here bc im v v v embarrassed that i "caved" to it) for the past ? years ive been fully on board w/ the idea that there is very little that separates purposeful restriction from "real" eating disorders + i am not sure where that leaves me now to be honest. i've said this before but i think the wedding + more specifically the fact that the bride is the absolute nexus of all the ceremony just freaked me the fuck out + the thought of looking how i looked in lockdown for this event was just unbearable and i was honestly just not able to cope w/ it. i honestly dont really know where THAT leaves me either - i feel in a v weird place atm with it all - it's not the same as when i was a teenager - im happy eating v varied foods and things i would have rejected outright when i was in my starvation era - like im literally eating 3 nougat bars for my breakfast atm bc i like them + they're fuckin delicious, which doesnt feel like big trouble. but the fact remains i have been purposely losing weight + betraying my own ideals for months. and i feel very frustrated that i wasn't "over it" enough to just fucking deal? just be a fat bride? ??? i cant even tell you how many hours of curvy brides boutique i have drilled into my own eyes to try and literally like force myself to believe that i as a fat woman was worthy of anything. oh my god!! in a slightly bleak way i do think that being more able to cook for myself now and making huge huge strides wrt contamination fear really just opened the door to this again. which would be v funny if it wasnt a bit tragic lol. THE MONKEY'S PAW... anyway as i said at the beginning i feel ok now + i guess im just wondering wtf to do now like i dont want to invite the devil to dance with me and i think that's inevitably what im doing every time i purposely restrict my intake but i also dont know if im strong enough to stop dancing?? i dont mean this to sound woe-is-me or anything like i am feeling quite pragmatic about it all i just am thinking like: how do i match my desire to feel beautiful at this huge event with my desire to not be a total bellend and finally: this is a personal blog, thi sis me typing about my feelings not an instruction manual for life, i am unsure if this is something i should be posting, but i think this is the reality for a lot of women to be honesttttt so idk if pretending it's not happening is that great either what should i do lads?

#like genuinely looking for input #i was planning on losing a bit more (yes i am self aware enough to read this and wince) but now im thinking like uh yeah

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jeonginssa · 11 months

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rain, there's always rain

a/n: i've never added anything non kpop-related to this blog before but i think i;m gonna to just start putting all of my writing on here (unless you all hate it hahaha), please let me know what you think

warnings: this is super depressing and so far everyone i've let read it cried so there's that, if you struggle with su*cidal thoughts maybe dont read this tbh

taglist: @junhour (i wasn't sure if you'd wanna be tagged in this because it's not kpop so just let me know haha)

Acid. That’s how rain felt to happy people, the grey sky come to ruin their otherwise outstanding day. To the lonely, it was home. The sky saying, “I know, I’m crying too.” I didn’t remember the last time the rain burned my skin. All I knew of rain was the way the sound against the windows brought a gentle silence to the steady stream of thoughts within my mind. The way my drenched hair and dripping skin felt like rebirth. Rain doesn’t make your pain go away but it does make you feel like someone else is feeling it with you. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder how many other lonely people are lingering too long before walking back into the house or intentionally leaving without an umbrella for an excuse to feel something that even resembles true understanding. It couldn’t just be me, right? Surely, on a planet of over 7 billion people it’s not just me. Right? I guess I’ll never know.

I envy them. Of course I envy them. Happy people that is. Yet at the same time I don’t. Will they ever swim the depths the way I have? Will they ever know what it is to burn yourself to ash and recreate yourself from the embers? They say life is about being happy but maybe it’s not. I think life is pain and I’m learning to be okay with that. Perhaps the agonising weight of my own decisions was always supposed to be too much to bear. Perhaps I’m mourning the loss of a life that was never meant to be in the first place. People say that everything happens for a reason and I don’t disagree but they left out the part where sometimes the reason is because you’re supposed to feel like a twig in a room full of matches. That doesn’t mean you’re going to go anywhere. It just means you’re a twig in a room full of matches. Should you wait for someone else to set you on fire or do it yourself? Does it really matter anyway? Perhaps not.

I knew I should do something. Something that wasn’t sitting on the pavement letting the sky pour all of its woes onto me but how could I? There’s a feeling of loss I always got when the rain stopped. As if it left me intentionally to once again deal with my struggles on my own. I didn’t want to leave the rain the same way it left me. What if the rain pours because it needs a friend too? The rain may be fickle but I am not. I cling to the remnants of stability like a life raft with a hole in the middle.

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you this but to tell you the truth I don’t know either. I guess I’m just full of thoughts and you seemed like you might listen. I guess you’re running from yourself too. Why else would you want to read my ramblings if not to fill a crippling hole within yourself. I’d like to tell you that it will be okay and that things will turn out great but we both know I don’t really believe that. It could happen sure but I don’t want to tell you it will. Tomorrow might be the worst day of your life so far. How could I bear that guilt? I couldn’t. I don’t say this to make you feel bad. I say this because if nothing else I want you to know that even when you feel like the only star in an empty sky. It’s only because its too bright to see outside of yourself. You’re not alone. You’re not the only person to feel like their lungs are somehow both fire and flood. You’re not the only person to look at the sea and wonder how it would feel if you just kept walking ahead. But you are the only version of you. I can’t tell you what for exactly but I think the world needs all of us. So I hope that you’ll stay. Even if it’s only for as long as I tell my story. I’ll just have to keep telling it.

Do you think there’s a reason for it all? The songs that find us in our darkest times. The random words of wisdom from the cashier on an average Wednesday. The look of shared pain in the eyes of another. If I’m honest I don’t know what answer scares me less. You see the thing is, there’s a certain level of freedom that comes from believing it all means nothing. Why worry when nothing matters anyway? If nothing means anything then there’s no karma, good or bad. When bad things happen they just happen, you can’t blame yourself for random acts. If everything really is as connected as I fear it to be then one way or another, however you choose to look at it, I put myself here. You could say that if I put myself here then I could also get myself out of it. Despite my autonomy I really just feel like a puppet who can’t see their own strings. I don’t know what any of this means but what I do know is that I found you just at the right time. It was almost too late, for both of us. When the world is on fire I hope we can turn to each other.

People frown and look straight ahead as they walk past me. I’m not sure if they think I’m homeless or they haven’t noticed me as they try to see through the rain. I am certain that I don’t particularly care. They scurry ahead, heads down, umbrellas and hoods raised and I don’t know who I should feel more sorry for; me or them. Maybe I just pity us all. Sometimes I’m not sure if I care too much or too little. I have a head full of questions in a world that lacks answers. The more I know the less I realise I know. I live a life of unending uncertainty. Sometimes I come across people and it seems like they have the answers. For a moment they do, but then reality strikes and I see that they’re just as lost as I am.

Why is it that some people look like hope? Is there a way to turn it off? You see I only find myself drawn to those in the distance. Perhaps that’s my way of seeking safety. They cannot hurt me if they cannot reach me. Yet as they live their lives unaware of the way I orbit around them like a lonely dwarf planet begging for a home, I can only feel the strength of their gravity grow. I wonder what would happen if our forces were to collide. Would we become one as I suspect or would I merely be smashed to smithereens, returned to the dust that I feel I am. We are told all people are equal but I’m not sure that to my core I believe that to be true. There are people I pale in insignificance beside and others who are dwarfed by the light I emit. Every time I think I’ve found my equal I realise it was nothing but an illusion. I wonder if I’m destined to a life of loneliness. I think that might be the case.

At least we have the rain.

#rain #writing #prose #writers of tumblr #sad thoughts #loneliness

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ftm-radio · 2 years

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okay, I'm diverting from the default ask/answer format for this one because there are mentions of sensitive topics. I generally prefer to avoid these topics (though i dont have that posted anywhere, so no worries, anon) but I do want to answer anyway to try and help out.

I'd rather err on the side of caution for anybody who does not wanna read any of this, so I'm putting the ask and my response under a cut.

⚠️cw: brief mentions of sex & horniness, along with concerns about fetishization

Anonymous:

So…I don’t really know how to phrase this but I’m hoping you can help and this isn’t creepy. I’m a straight cis woman and have never had dysphoria beyond what I assumed was normal puberty woes (hated my chest getting bigger, hated getting a period, hated dresses). Recently something came up during sex that put the thought in my head of having a penis and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. I bought a binder and almost screamed with joy at how I looked but chalked it up to looking skinnier without my breasts in the way. (I’ve always had body image issues and I thought it was about weight but now I’m…not sure?)Today, “just to see”, I stuffed my pants with socks and I swear I almost passed out with how amazing it looked and felt. But with each of these explorations has come a really strong, idk how to better phrase it, horniness, like more than I’ve ever felt before when dressing up my female sexiness. So now I’m really confused about whether it’s like I’m just feeling confident and sexy and that’s why vs maybe I’m fetishizing? I don’t know any trans guys so idk if this is normal or if I’m being gross. I’m sorry if this is offensive and weird and you can ignore me if so but i just feel so bad and confused and idk what to do or who to talk to.

okay so right off the bat I wanna assure you that no, this is not creepy, offensive, or weird! you aren't doing any harm by exploring your gender and/or how you present yourself. it's totally fine to try new things and experiment and question! (it can be fun & i feel like more people should do that, tbh.) and I'm not an expert on what is/isn't fetishization, but what you're describing does not sound like fetishization to me. so I hope that helps you feel better and eases some of the anxiety!

Now, there's a lot more to discuss, so I'm gonna get right into it. This will be wordy. Buckle up.

Let's start with dysphoria and euphoria.

You mention hating when your chest got bigger, and I definitely understand that. I didn't actively start disliking my chest until after I realized I could potentially be rid of it, but for as long as I can recall I've been emotionally distant and uninterested in that part of me to such an extent that as a teen I would occasionally, uh... daydream about getting breast cancer and needing to have my breasts removed and then thinking, 'yeah,,, I'd be fine with that.' hahaha #justgirlythings amirite?

You also mention possible body image issues around weight. I'm a fat trans guy, and before I realized I was trans I also thought all my problems with my body all revolved around the fact that I was fat, that that was why I was uncomfortable and why I felt like my body didn't fit. I didn't know anything about dysphoria or trans people until I was an adult, so all I knew growing up was that being fat was "bad" and that's what I got bullied and snickered at for, so *of course* that was why I felt shitty about myself!!! Yeah, not quite. My brain just didn't know what the problem was so I directed all the blame at the thing I did know about.

But nowadays, I'm just not as bothered by my weight/body shape. I felt like my only chance at being happy as a girl (or a.. woman, I guess. ew.) was to be thinner and fit society's beauty standards as much as possible, but now I know that I can be happy just being a guy. any guy. fat, thin, buff, somewhere in between—I'd be content anywhere in that spectrum as long as I'm a guy. It wasn't my size/shape that was the problem, it was my gender, and gender dysphoria. And maybe that's how it is for you, too. it's something to consider, at least.

Okay, moving along! so dysphoria is the crappy part, the discomfort and distress. Let's get to its fun (and much cooler) cousin you may not have heard much about: gender euphoria!

See, what you experienced when you tried a binder & packing for the first time sound quite a bit like gender euphoria to me. In my experience, the first few times you feel euphoria are the most intense and vivid because its a big shock to your system after however many years you've gone feeling not-quite-right. And then after a while you kind of get used to it and it's not quite so overwhelming. It's like first you have these crazy fireworks going off, but then it simmers down to a cozy little candle. Still glowing, still warm, but it's more familiar, more like home.

You also mention feeling a different kind of excitement (horny) and I'm.. not sure I can help you much with figuring that out. 😅 I'm decidedly quite asexual, so I don't have a whole lot of experience with uhhhh sexy feelings and whatnot. I do think you could definitely be feeling way more confident in yourself and your appearance, and that might be what's leading to these feelings, but that's as far as I can guess.

I can at least attest to the fact that binding and presenting more masc made me more confident in my appearance and feel better about myself just like, in general, so for someone who is more inclined to ~sexy feelings~ than I am, I think it would make sense for you to feel hotter? idk, I don't really go here.

now, regarding your worries about fetishizing. I already said before that I don't think that's what's going on (and i still stand by that) but I just want to explain that a little more. Your excitement seems to be focused more on yourself and what you're doing than, say, trans men or trans people in general, so I don't think that's a fetish. If you were specifically lusting after trans guys because of their transness, that would be fetishization, I think. In my opinion, it sounds like you're just feeling yourself out and learning what makes you feel good, and that's perfectly fine. Nothing wrong with that. :)

As for not knowing what to do about all this, I would say that reaching out to somebody (me, in this case) is a great first step. If you're trying to figure yourself out and what you want, then research can help, especially if you don't know a lot about trans people and the lgbt+ community in general. Obviously you found my blog, but there are plenty of others you might find helpful! I specifically recommend @ transgenderteensurvivalguide as they have a lot of info and resources that have helped me out (despite not being a teen, lol).

Another option for you (in addition to research) is to dig down deep and do some journaling!!! yeah. sorry. it's kind of my go-to. write about what you're feeling and ask yourself questions. (If you want a sort-of guide thing for this, I answered another ask recently-ish on my blog where I had a bunch of example questions that i myself have used when journaling.)

If you want to jump right in and try more than binding or packing, you could also try experimenting with what pronouns you use! whether it's in-person with safe people you trust, or with an anonymous account online that your friends/family won't find, that could help you get a sense of what's up!

Okay, i think that's all I've got right now. This wound up pretty long, as per usual, and responding to this took a bit longer than I meant to, but I hope you're still hanging around and this can help you out, anon. I also hope anybody else who reads this can benefit in some small way.

I think one of the most important things for you to do is to go easy on yourself. Gender is way more complicated than our cis-iety (cis society, I 100% stole this word from someone) teaches us. it's okay to be confused and not know quite where you're at, and it's okay if you don't have an answer right away. you have time to figure this out. hell, you can take as long as you want. there's no rush! nobody is standing at the golden Gates of Validation with a stopwatch to see if you're fast enough to get in.

if you have more questions, my inbox is open, and I wish you the best, wherever you end up.

💜

#ftm radio #listener call in #ask #anon #questioning #trans #transgender #ftm #gender questioning #gender identity #gender

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cosmicharmonyoc · 1 year

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warning: what follows is a way too long analysis of With My Tail To The World by patricia taxxon as a den song. and its written kinda badly bc im so sleepy but oh well <3 woe, oc playlists be upon ye

i guess to start - the entire sound of this is SO den. the energy in the synths. the way its pushing forward. there's this bright exciting energy to all of it and it's so so den!! me and den r both stimming to this song :3 and then the way the synths get a bit darker in the chorus but keep up that energy.... OUGH its so cool

ok so lyrics time

You would know me if you saw me on the road / I’m imposing, I’m explosive, I’m precocious, I’m the most

den's whole personality that he presents to the world is the MOST - enthusiastic and silly and energetic and optimistic and positive. now that he's on the elpis, he's crafted a version of himself that is impossible to hide, who is loud and bright and loving.

Can you sing along? / I don’t hold you to the best, but / Can’t you see the lines and dots? / Don’t you feel as if you’re missing something?

a lot of things here. a) can you sing along - music - cosmic harmony. music is a big theme for the story and just :3 . b) this is starting to get to how den perceives the world. he's an artist, and a lot of how he interacts with the world is through that lens. he interprets the world by thinking in terms of art - can you see the lines and dots?

I’m a skeptic of the senses, I don’t think you’ve broke / The terror found in relishing pretention, I don’t think you’ve spoke / To any of your characters, purveyors of your barriers / The scariest it gets is far behind the world you know, so...

ok i wont lie and pretend i understand any of this ghjk i love the lyrics so much though!! what i do think happens here is like... den's this character who calls identity into question. in a story all about identity and figuring out who you want to be, den is all about like... purposefully crafting the Self. im still trying to figure out what this verse means but there's something going on with den calling the world into question - by looking at it through an artistic lens, deconstructing everything. "the scariest it gets is far behind the world you know" is very fun coming from him in his relationship with honeycomb - den is part of this weird, magical, and sometimes scary world that others dont know about.

Can you sing along? / She was looking like a summer / Can’t you see the lines and dots? / And in turn, beget the sun within her

here we start to get a look at den and creation and the Self and his relationships with the space squad. specifically aria. the word sun is in there, i have to :p the idea of seeing the lines and dots - den's art - in order to create the sun within her - DEN IS A NEBULA AND ARIA IS A STAR! nebulas create stars! aria's identity exists without den of course hehe but there's this interesting thing going on where like... den uses his art to show people who they are in his mind. his painting of honeycomb is a prominent plot point - the way den uses his art to turn people into these bright and powerful symbols. and in terms of his friendship with aria, he definitely does something similar - helping her to see herself as a bright burning star, the way he does. helping her to create herself.

You think you know the mistress, well / You see me as I am, but... // Can you see me with the lights off? / The quale I brought to class? / Articulate the beauty of a flower held behind my back

and here we get into the complicated nature of identity - den is a deeper person than that loud energetic optimistic self he presents. its an authentic version of himself, but that light isn't all there is to him. den is optimistic but not entirely naive, energetic but not out of control - he is a force of creation to be reckoned with. idk quite how to describe any of this lol but if we're looking at the self as a creation, den is basically saying here "there's more to me than my surface". and of course turning the lights off here - den has light powers! he's in control of the lights! and so there's this question of. who is he when the lights are off? when he changes the colors? can you see him beyond the surface level paint?

I’m that doggie in the window of your church / Every Sunday, you could see me if your muzzle formed the words / Think absurdly in the evening, think concretely by the dawn / Think along the lines you recognize, but never dared to walk

den fursona when. also den comes from a conservative christian family and so there's something so fun here about him challenging the values and standards of that culture!! and that last line... there's a LOT to it but one thing worth mentioning is like... how much den plays with gender. he's technically cis but he's Cis+. he's fucking with gender and doing what he wants - he recognizes the lines and is walking with them and turning them into absurd concepts :3

ok, last verse before its the chorus again, so final new lyrics to analyze!

Can you sense the gold within a Friendship saved? / Can you lens the lurid lines belied inside On A Clear Day? / Can you grab the squalid square laid bare amongst a Desert Rain? Can you nab the stained stripes entwined a meek Untitled 8? I say!

so With My Tail To The World is about the artist agnes martin, and all of the lines here reference her works. this song actually made me consider making den's art more abstract, which i think works well with his character!! this is just. PERFECTLY how den views the world. all of these abstract art pieces that are easy to dismiss as being simplistic are reflections of the world!! this is questioning those same things about identity and the world and art - can you see the world in these paintings? can you see how i see the world? this verse is just... an anthem for den's view on art and the world and WAUGH I LOVE IT. also this verse is so fun to sing out loud lol. also fun fact Friendship by agnes martin is this giant grid of gold and just... i think its perfect for den's friendship with aria hehe

#den #cosmic harmony #space squad #this is not well written ghjk im bad at #describing why its a den song #it just is #it just vibes #lyric analysis

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