#like i cant articulate myself good enough to sound convincing

[neverdying-d-e-a-d]

ohgod wjat was that.

hey why do i actively try to burn away and forget my past?

why dont i make an appointment with a therapist already?

i mean

i cant now

what if someone hears me?

...

i n s t i

tu t i o n

a l i z e d

what's that mean?

oh rock music, we're really in it now

okay, its not cool to make portraits of sadness and to self victimize

i dont feel like a victim

i feel like i deserve it all

what

do i mean anything that i write?

i really hope that i don't

or do

eugh

so confusing i'm about to cry

at what point does depression start to become going insane?

is it the same?

eugh..

i mean isnt it insane to want to kill someone? suicidal thoughts?

....

whaaatever.

i have enough love for myself and more

i just wanna talk about the war

._.

it's fucked up

feels redundant to say

but i think im allowed to say obvious things

im allowed to say whatever i want, as long as i think im a good person. right?

sometimes i wish i had parents that taught me to really use my brain

get the thoughts straight

okay

your name is [____ __________]

you feel

uhhh awe shit.

you feel

you feel confused

how are you feeling?

im feeling great.

okay.

your name is [_ _]

you feel

something is wrong

in your head

in the world

in the world

or

no, in your head

or

no, nothings wrong, there is no good or bad or

no, yes there is, you know good from bad.

or, no thats not true wisdom

or, no, thats common knowledge

true wisdom is foolish

or

i always end up knowing nothing

or

um

no, yeah.

your name is ()

you know nothing

you feel light and slightly confused and you feel like if you articulate it well enough you can understand it, you feel convinced

you feel shame remembering that guy feel up your thighs

you feel turned on

noooo you dont. dont kid yourself.

you feel turned on at the idea of you feeling turned on.

you feel basically only real attraction towards yourself

and some men

and

dont tell me youre afraid of women now, too? just because it was a girl what made you so weird as a kid?

point is.

that guy. you liked using him. you wanna hurt him. i honestly dont feel bad about that but i feel like i should

okay, i do

hes a person

so cute too.

but what a rotten little boy

god, its always the lonely emo boys

three times now

ive gotta get scarier, scare them off

no, that. eugh. only attracts them

other boys like boobed people who are non threatening

but those boys...

um

when was the last time you gave one of those boys a real chance? haha.

.

.

.

am i the problem?

sure, why not

....

i dont wanna talk to boys. women. i like women. boys

men and women are basically the same to me i just fear violence and well

....

im not crazy for feeling unsafe around men, am i?

....

i really wish i could ask someone who knows about this

like say, a therapist

eughhh.

im dying

writing is making me feel worse i should go to bed

i dont wanna have a bad dream

but

its okay to do things that scare you

but

it feels different to be in the middle of it all but

but

but

but i live in america

because

because

because my grandfather's editing team are dead

guns bought that ticket

and now im a privileged white british scumbag

living with black mold

maybe thats whats making me feel like this honestly

god i just wanna move somewhere clean

somewhere clean

will this poetry will make me sound insane because it's not beautiful

not worth it to care honestly

i still dont feel better

nono, lets try

im feeling better slowly

yes slowly

quicker now im finally feeling good

no.

im gonna take allergy medication and drop out of college and die on the street

im not really afraid

i dont deserve anything more or less

... right?

#tw suicide ideation #tw suicide #um #idk what else to tag just dont hurt me for this and tell me what you want sorry #another poem

[fairycosmos]

I have my finale exam tomorrow and I'm 99,9% sure that I'll fail. I feel like such a failure right now. I could retake the school year but why I understand the school work then, if I don't understand it now. I'll probably stay unemployed forever, because I'm so anxious at job interviews and I literally don't know how to talk to people. Maybe it'd be the best if I didn't exist because nothing would change if wasn't here anyway. I wouldn't be missed and I know I will never be happy anyway.

hey dude, listen. it sounds a bit like you’re spiraling right now and i really think it’d do you some good to just take a step back and breathe. i hope the test went okay, and by okay i hope i mean you got through it, because that’s literally all you can ask of yourself. it’s natural to be nervous about such things and if you’re also struggling with mental illness on top of that, it’s easy to get lost in the heaviness of that anxiety. making big unfounded assumptions about your future, feeling a sense of doom, thinking in black and whites instead of recognizing the nuance and middle ground - all of those are red flags, not reliable thought processes that you need to build your life around. it’s okay to process negative emotions, to be upset and to feel overwhelmed and to want to give up at at times. we all need to break down a little when we’re overwhelmed so we can let some of that pent up tension out. but that should look like allowing yourself to cry, reaching out to those around you, getting some rest, and removing yourself from situations that exacerbate the pain when possible. not harming yourself in hopes of dulling those emotions, because that’s how you get stuck in a cycle of self destruction that is more suffocating than just confronting the pain and trying to let it go. look, you’re young and life is generally a lot longer than it seems when you’re in school, in the sense that we learn how resilient we are over and over again. we’re supposed to ‘mess up.’ things go ‘wrong ’and then we carve our paths out of that, and we adapt. whether we realize it or not. you’ve done it before, and you can do it again. if it turns out you have to retake the school year, then with the extra time and maybe additional support from your teachers, the school work may become a little clearer if you give it the chance and try out new learning techniques to find what works for you. that doesn’t make you a failure at all. you clearly care a lot about your future, and you’ve already made so much more progress than you realize. i know it doesn’t seem like it in this moment. but seriously, whatever happens, after the initial disappointment and frustration, you WILL be able to return to a sense of normality. the extent of how much it hurts right now is not permanent. there’s truly no set time schedule for education, no matter how much they want to convince us otherwise. you just have to do what you can with what you’ve been given. that’s more than good enough. you’re more than good enough. and about job interviews - try to slow down. there’s absolutely no evidence that you will be unemployed forever, in fact it’s very unlikely, and your worth/future happiness doesn’t rely on that factor anyway. honestly, i’ve been to a few job interviews by now and i’ve always thought the same thing about myself. especially when i was in school, i thought i knew, that there was no way i could handle it, no way anyone would take me on. and they are uncomfortable and nerve wracking, sure. but they’re also not the beginning and end of the world. nobody is expecting you to be the worlds best talker especially when you’re new to the whole thing. it’s about showing your enthusiasm and your skillset, and if you dont believe you have one, you do. you just cant see it because you dont like yourself right now. i’ve been rejected from jobs too, and yeah it’s a dig at the self esteem, but it’s not a personal failure. it’s just the nature of applying for a position that loads of other people are also applying for. you learn to accept it. but you don’t even have to carry that weight yet, love. so try to recognize what your brain is doing by bombarding you with worries that are entirely out of your control, and that there is no actual proof of. more than anything, it’s important to remember that school nor your career defines everything that you are. we’re taught from a young age that we only deserve to be here if we’re ‘useful’ by capitalist standards, if we can justify the space we take up. but it’s a fucking lieeeeee. raising us like that is the only way to get us to work work work without questioning it too much. it’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with the world being a soul sucking machine. so, relax. you deserve to be here and you deserve to be gentle with yourself, nothing changes that. not tests or the future or your self hatred. i know it’s hard to believe that such concepts apply to you, but they do. nothing and nobody would be better off without you, i promise. when you’re in a dark place it’s only normal to believe that you’ll never be happy, but it’s really not the case in reality. happiness is an emotion that comes and goes like all else, and it is entirely possible for it to become a consistent theme in your life. that is, if you’re able to make it through this part. if you’re able to try to engage in healthier coping mechanisms so that you see your situation from multiple perspectives, rather than just from a one dimensional ‘things will never get better’ stand point. even if you just have to survive hour by hour, until you get there.

i’d really recommend considering talking to someone about what’s happening in your head right now, man. i know that’s not what you want to hear and part of you will want to immediately write it off, but try to pause and keep it in the back of your mind. whether it’s a teacher, a parent/family member, a school counselor, a mental health hotline, a friend, your doctor - there are so many people out there who have the tools to help you learn to manage. and it doesn’t matter if the process is slow or non linear, or if you have to force the words out. all that matters is that you try. whatever that means to you, even if some days it’s just staying in your room and breathing through it. you can recognize that not wanting to be here any more is an unhealthy thought, indicating that there is a lot more going on beneath the surface, yeah? it’s alright to talk about that and to let others in. our mental health is often just as fragile as our physical health and sometimes it needs medical intervention in order to be adequately supported, and that’s totally fine.  yeah, opening up is embarrassing and yeah it’s not something anyone ‘wants’ to do, but it’s often very necessary, because it’ll allows people to be able to relate with and guide you. please consider your own needs and know that there is no shame in speaking up. even if you have to take some time to find the courage. honestly, you don’t even need to go into great detail. a simple ‘i need help and i’m not sure what to do’ is a great place to start with someone you trust, or someone who is in a position to help you. anyway, i’m sorry this got super long. navigating school is fuckin difficult at the best of times, and i’m infinitely proud of you for making it to this point and for being able to articulate your feelings like this to me. i have no doubt that you will be able to get through this if you give yourself the time and the tools do so. and i dont say that lightly at all. try to ground yourself for now, and start again tomorrow. if you want to talk about this properly or if you ever need a friend, my dms/inbox will be open. take care. focus on one day at a time.

#anon

[theimpressionnant]

RANT (because I don’t express  my feelings in real life)

DISCLAIMER : *i’m really bad at writing down my thoughts, so if they appear all over the place, and just messy, you know why :/*

This is also the first time i’ve ever written down my feelings, so its pretty must just a vomit of words

So 2016 and 2017 have probably been one of the worst years ever, in terms of personal and academic. 

I feel like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know who I am as a person, if that even makes sense. It’s like things have gotten so bad for me, and my expectations so high, that I’m not really the person I feel like I imagine myself to be? I like to think of myself as a smart person, but then looking at my ‘achievements’ nothing says ‘smart’. And as a result Ive kinda lost who I am as a person. Am I that smart, productive confident person I was? Or was that just a phase? At the same time, I feel like I know myself so much that I end up second guessing myself, mostly telling myself that something bad will happen, and that I wont achieve my goals. And it often, it does happen. These two years I’ve been trying to figure out who I really am, but i’ve reached no success.

And also, I cant seem to achieve anything. Putting myself down has sort of become a second nature to me. Any aspect of life I feel like i’m a failure. And to a certain extent I do believe it. Its sort of like a ‘why me’ sort of thing. Why would I succeed? Why would I be successful? ‘nothing successful happens to me, so why should I be able to achieve anything?’ And as a result, to be honest, I don’t feel like I’m going to graduate in the coming year, because I don’t see myself there. The students in my class are freaking geniuses. Im literally the dumbest person there. They’ve got all their shit together, and then there’s me. Its been stressing my out so much that I completely trashed my mid year exams, and as a result, had to sign a contract saying that if I don’t pass all my classes in the end of year exams, I’ll get kicked out of the international baccalaureate programme, because I may not be able to cope with the workload. Thing is, I feel like I can, but then i have this load of negativity on my back that I can’t shake off because I feel like everything i tell myself is true. And I dont say it out of self pity. I say this out of objectivity. I can’t handle lies like 'I will succeed’ or that ‘i’ll make it’ when I know I won’t.  And its so annoying. I wanna believe in myself. But I don’t wanna disappoint myself, and put myself even further down by telling myself that I will succeed, but then fail. Because that means i just lied to myself, just gave myself false hope. I feel like thats my biggest fear. To promise myself, or to tell myself that I’ll succeed, and then not do so. Because I’ve done that too much. Worked so hard and then failed when I told myself that I will succeed. I don’t have the emotional capacity to go through it again and again, because it makes it even more painful than it already is to just be me. I feel like I cant love myself if I fail. And i’m going to be honest. At the moment, I hate myself. I really do. Sometimes I cant bear looking at myself in the mirror, because I dont feel like looking at a stupid piece of failure. Intelligence has always been something i liked to define myself as. And I always used to define myself with it. But now i feel like nothing. Because i have noting to define myself as.  Those numbers I used to define myself as are not worth even mentioning. So I’m kinda nothing right now. 

And I know i shouldn’t define myself as my grades. But its pretty hard to do so when my whole life is determined by the number I get in the end of next year. It’s an obsession I really want to get rid of.

but Its not only me that can’t understand myself (lol what?), its others.

And I don’t say it out of 'coolness’ or 'ugh, nobody understands me’

It’s a genuine feeling of isolation.

Since was a child, I would have this really bad habit of rejecting people in general, because I feel like they hate me, even though they’ve done nothing wrong. I just feel like it’s safer to get rid of them first then have go go through the pain of being told, go away or something. Because that makes me think of myself horribly, which again, I don’t have the emotional capacity of doing. And as a result. I’ve blocked out everyone I feel like I could’ve had good connections with. And I just feel so alone lol help.

But then again I have my family, the only people I haven’t crossed out of my life (and never will) and thats better than anything. 

  Come to think of it, I kinda feel everyone hates me. Teachers, family friends, people I sometimes talk to at school. Its crazy. And the thing is, i know they probably don’t, but yet I can easily convince myself otherwise. Ask for a pen in class? Yup they hate me. Who wouldn’t? I literally asked for a pen in the middle of class. Asked what we had for homework because i was away? They probably think i’m dumb, and therefore, they hate me. Its as simple as that. But its so convincing. I don’t know how to explain it. I know it’s stupid, but I believe it. And as a result, I feel like the whole world is watching me, because they hate me. Like every move I make is being judged. Walking to next class? Eating? Walking into a shop? I’m so annoying. They must hate me. And it gets exhausting. I dont want to deal with it. Even my siblings get annoyed with my constant cringing in public places. 

But the thing is, I can’t talk to people about my personal feelings, i find it so cringe. But at the same time I want to get rid of it. Because it’s been affecting my studies a lot. And Since I’m starting year 12 very soon, I want to fix it before the stress starts. 

I don’t know, it’s just one of those things about myself that i just cant articulate.

I think its because of my general self esteem as well? Like I’ve picked up this really bad habit of never looking at my grades after a test. I remember when my grades used to be really high, i would be reaallly eager to get my grade. Expecting nothing under a 90%, and I would get just that. But now, when i get the paper back, I would just put the paper in my folder without looking at the mark, and have to prepare myself over hours to look at it, so that if i would get a bad mark i wouldn’t panic and tell myself negative things. Which AGAIN, I don’t have the emotional capacity of doing. Its gone to the extent that I haven’t opened my exam results, and they were released three weeks ago. I mean,  I haven’t been called, like other students have, about their bad results, and it’s summer holidays now, so schools done, but I feel like they’re saving the worst till last. I don’t intend on looking at my marks, because I just don’t want to disappoint my family, who think i’m a dream student. I don’t even know if I failed or passed the exams. And I studied for them like no tomorrow, but its just a fear of looking at my results. Even if i where to look at my results, I feel like nothing is enough for me. Regardless of my grades. Even if I get a reasonably good score, I’ll find an excuse to tell myself such as 'any idiot could have gotten a 97%’ or 'it was by chance (whatever the hell that means) or anything else  along those lines.

And I’ve realised how dumb I sound when i think all of these thoughts.

and so i’ve come to realisation that if I want to at least pass year 12, I really need to stop with these toxic thoughts. Because they’ve messed me up emotionally and academically.

I really miss years 2014, 2015. Those years were the best. Remembering them makes me really sad. I just miss the simplicity, grades, and good memories :)

For me, 2018 will be a year of working on myself, good grades, healthy lifestyle and just good vibes <3 Oh, and also graduation hopefully^-^

Im sorry if this is so dull. I promise I’m not as sad and depressed it looks like. Words dont show tone and facial expression lol

#2018 #2017 #2016 #self evaluation #personal #rant #new year

[tclkingtothemoon]

good morning, baby. i hope that you slept well, and that your mind let you remember your dream like i asked it to do ( especially if your dreams were filled with me, and only if they were sweet ). if it did, i’d love to hear about it when i wake up as well. i know that you know this by now but a quick reminder: i love listening to you talk; i could hear you talk about anything under the sky and i’d still find myself entirely charmed. it’s the sound of your voice, and the way that your features change as you tell me whatever it is you’ve decided to share with me in that moment. you’re so expressive; the way that a story makes you feel is written across each and every feature of you as you talk. and god, i love that about you; i love studying each expression - each shift in each feature - and committing what it meant to you to memory. because i love knowing you, and i love knowing every part of you as well as i know the back of my hand.

i saw a google commercial, with this old man who was telling google to remember certain things about his wife: ‘remember she always used to say this specific phrase’, ‘remember her favorite movie was this’, ‘remember where we had our first date’, ‘remember that she loves the smell of these flowers’, ‘remember that she always laughed this way’. i saw that and i remember thinking that i wanted to do that with you. not necessarily with googles product placement ( thank you very much ), but that i just ... wanted to know all of you in that way; details that no one else knows or even thinks to ask about, details that maybe you don’t even realize you’re giving me, details that maybe you wouldn’t deem important but that make up the very fabric of who you are ( and, therefore, are incredibly important to me ). and even after being my best friend, and the love of my life, for as many years as you have, you still give me new details to learn about you every day. you still show me new things about you with each passing day and i still wake up with the same enthusiasm and eagerness to learn them all as i did the very first day we met. because despite all of the years that have passed between us, every time i look at you or you confide in me or you kiss me it feels like the first time all over again.

anyway, it’s ironic that you asked me to write you a letter tonight, because i was actually thinking that i’d write you one tonight even before you asked. after we finished the taylor documentary, i had a lot of feelings that i just sort of felt like i needed to get out somewhere before my chest just completely collapsed on me. and you do that to me a lot, you know; give me this swell of happiness in my chest so big and grand that it seemingly makes time come to a halt around me as me and my heart are left trying to make sense of the wonderful boy in front of us and how on earth he would’ve decided to love us out of everyone.

and you know when taylor was talking about joe, and lover in general, and she said something about being happy just because they were happy together? when she’d previously had so much of her happiness relying on everyone else’s happiness and what they thought of her? that sentiment made me think about you, and about what you and i have, a lot. because i’ve told you before that i used to give what people thought of me more weight than it deserved, and that my happiness was always something hypothetical and in the distance, but you’ve shown me and given me something so beautiful that i couldn’t care less about what people think of me anymore - not as long as i have you, and as long as you and i are happy with this life that we’re creating together. nothing else outside of this, and us, holds any weight to me anymore; not in the way that it did. everything is in perspective now, thanks to you; and the perspective is that the rest of the world could be falling apart around me and i wouldn’t even bat an eye as long as you were there beside me. i can never find the right words for this but you’re the love of my life, you’re my best friend, you’re my future, you’re my home, and you’re my happiness; you’re absolutely everything to me. and watching taylor redefine her world, and herself, based on the love that joe had been able to show her existed felt a lot like what you have done and continue to do for me. it’s not that the world becomes irrelevant, it’s just that you change the entire meaning of it; the rest of the world still matters, but you’re engrained into every detail of it now and that’s why i love it. i don’t know if that makes sense, it probably doesn’t, but i only mean that i think taylor and i both found love in the world itself and in ourselves because we look around at things that used to seem daunting or terrifying in some way and we suddenly only see the ones we love or the things that our loved ones love in it instead. it’s the rare, once in a lifetime, sort of love that so few find and ... i’m just so lucky that you’re mine.

but, before we started watching the documentary, we also spent so much time reminiscing earlier tonight and .. i know that we already talked a lot about all of that while we were getting lost in memories but i’m still thinking about it now because it’s just so overwhelming ( in the best way possible ) when you lay so much of it out like we did. i mean - just a little less than three months ago, you were kissing me for the first time and i was wondering how i was going to pretend that i could kiss you in the future without wanting a life with you if that was what you ended up deciding that you wanted. and four, or five, months ago, i wouldn’t have ever allowed myself to believe that you would ever kiss me at all; i was completely convinced that loving you was an activity that i would have to do from far away. but now here we are, almost three months since you asked me to be your boyfriend, and you’re my fiancé; we’re talking about finding a house together and starting a ( even bigger ) family with each other. we have so many of the things that i used to lay in bed and yearn for and dream about and cry over and it feels so surreal that it genuinely kind of makes me tear up just writing this. because you’re here, and you’re mine, and i love our memories ( every single one of them ) but it’s the knowledge that we have only just begun making them that really makes my heart leap. these memories that mean so much to me that i’m blinking back tears as i think about them are only a fraction of the memories that i’m lucky enough to get to share with you in this lifetime. we have done so much and yet we have only just begun and ... i can’t wait. i cant wait for the lifetime of memories that you and i have ahead of us. i cant wait for the life that we are going to live together, and the wonderful things that we are going to do. you’re the only person that i have ever, will ever, or would ever want to spend and share this life with and i’m so unending thankful that you’ve agreed to let me.

this letter was all over the place, and i’m so sorry. once i start writing these letters for you, i tend to ramble and get a little distracted along the way. I hope that it still made you smile, and i promise that you’ll have a lot more letters coming a lot more consistently soon, baby.

also, because i feel i haven’t said it enough ( and i never will ), just a reminder: i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you. i love you so much. so so so so so much. so much more than i feel i can ever effectively articulate. i love you with everything that i am.

#yourstruly. #im sorry this was such a mess clsdjg #also if the formatting is dumb blame tumblr mobile okay thank you glskfh

[haectemporasunt]

 wiratomkinder Shall do!

You have any good dreams lately? haectemporasunt hmm well the desperate gray clown monster this morning 

was i telling you about the curse one?

i d have mentioned a play  wiratomkinder That wasnt a dream that was an omen  wiratomkinder And no u did not! haectemporasunt heheh  haectemporasunt well! at this stage i m not sure i ll remember quite as much but 

speaking of stephen king and joe hill and my crush on the girl from the ring

one of the things i ve always been into is the idea of kids banding together to defeat a supernatural evil and then later, (usually as teens), they have to go back and deal with it once and for all  wiratomkinder Ooooooo haectemporasunt yeah it sounds cool but is kind of embarrassing bc you Know i m self inserting myself as one of those kids 

snort ok anyway, this

dream followed that same sort of typical line haectemporasunt there was a play being performed at school and i had some bad presentiment about it, there was something i couldnt remember and i didnt want it performed, but since i cldnt articulate my fears couldnt convince the school to stop the play, nor cld i convince my younger brother not to star in it   wiratomkinder Aughh that sounds stress inducing haectemporasunt so i m fiddling w my car and it s raining heavily and i m outside the auditorium, and the radio starts emitting static, and i stop fiddling w the light.... and i can distantly hear one of the play's (it was a musical i guess?) songs starting 

and i Remembered haectemporasunt In my dream i just clenched up bc i remembered Her the Bad Thing and i remebered --and the memories were dizzying and made me feel ill, like waves of sickness that hit you inescapably and you know youre gonna vomit but there s no bathroom near   wiratomkinder Hooooogh thats strong haectemporasunt when i was in school and my friends and i put on a play, and --i couldnt remember it all, but i rmemebered my friends and i in red coats [apparently doing the play but not in the auditorium, somewhere underground and filled with tree roots], standing around a big hole in stony ground, and stairs leading down , curving around the side into darkness, and i remember holding sheets of musical notes and old books, and i remember us saying things, and something going wrong 

and whatever our goal was w our play, we must have gotten it, but we also got Her haectemporasunt you wld think she d have crawled up out of the dark but now 

no*

i dont remember how she appeared but it wasnt from below, she was a symptom, not the source  wiratomkinder Hooooly shit haectemporasunt and all of this is flashing in my head like how in my head i imagine epilepsy is like, and i m still in my car clutching at the air and whimpering but i m overcome with fear bc i m remembering and it s terrifying bc it means something happened to make me forget 

and that s when i realize, firstly, that my friends, the others that performed the play with me in the underground room, most of them were no longer around and i didnt remember why or how but no one else remembered them either, there was just me and one other friend, and we didnt talk anymore,

and secondlly, i realized that it was almost pitch dark in my car even tho it was light outside the window, and the darkness was centered behind me  wiratomkinder Jeeeeeeeeez haectemporasunt and you know that slow turn that ppl do in horror movies? and they see the Thing grinning at them? and then they die? 

this is the cool part of my dream--or it was cool for me anyway bc , again, i m a sucker for these tropes

bc i imagined that happening, and i could feel Her behind me and i cld hear her teeth

but ... i had dealt with this before even tho i cldnt remember the details, and i knew looking behind me wld be Death

worse than death haectemporasunt bc death ends   wiratomkinder hyoley shit haectemporasunt but i d dealt with her so i knew first , she would talk to me. because of our intense history [fuck you max and your fetish for killer undead women], she wld want to play w me a little, so i had an opening where she wldnt kill me outright   wiratomkinder GGHFGHFFHH haectemporasunt so i was pretending i was still remembering , and i was slowly moving my hand towards the door handle  haectemporasunt and i felt her hair brush against my ear and she whispered "i missed you, max. you have to look at me now" 

and i grabbed the door handle and slammed against the car door to get out...but it was locked.  wiratomkinder YEEEESH haectemporasunt so, 

i have enough time to think, Shit haectemporasunt and then her arms are around my neck and she is twisting me so i will look at her back behind me in the back seat 

her hands make me ache

(btw wtf was happening to me that i was feeling this? i can only think it was the tinge of a body part going numb, or i was sleeping on my neck wrong)

but in my hands i now had the , whatchamacallit, the program for jake's play,

and i kept getting flashes of what i wld look like from the outside as i died, but i Knew now that bc the program had words from the play on it, i cld use that paper as a barrier , albeit small , against her

but i had to look at her to hold the paper up against her  wiratomkinder hyooooof like fighting a medusa riding a basilisk haectemporasunt hehehe 

so i turn around and i m trying to look only at the paper as i shove it hard against her bedraggled ripped up chest as she s scratching at me, but in the corner of my eye i can see her face and it is.... nightmarish

ha, literally  wiratomkinder OH NOO haectemporasunt she is grinnig impossibly wide--and her head is so big, it s bigger than her body or that's how it feels--like, it s normal sized, but ,,,,, it feels really close up against you even when she s separated from you by a chair...it s hard to describe but you can feel something is immense and monstrous inside and 'beyond' her 

she s bigger than this corpse she s using  wiratomkinder Yess like a weird perception thing

Your field of vision zooms tf in haectemporasunt i m nost sure how to describe her face in a way that actuall y evokes the terror 

especially when, ha, you cld summarize her homicidal glee as 'Dead and Loving It'

but her face was smashed

like porcelain  wiratomkinder Yee gotcha gotcha  wiratomkinder Oof haectemporasunt black cracks, red meat, and her eyes were really horrible and big, and her mouth was too wide, inhumanly wide, and cracked too  haectemporasunt and she was very happy and furious to see me 

we apparently had unfinished business that involved me being brutally broken

and then worst than killed

ha sorry i m taking too long  wiratomkinder No ur good!

I wanna know whats up with ms. Corpse bride over here haectemporasunt i pushed the paper aginst her and she was trying to throttle me and she was laughing in this quiet whispery way that was...super creepy bc it was like immense passion whistling out of cracks  haectemporasunt and w my free hand i m scrabbling at the door lock, and finally it comes freen but now the paper is basically being sandwiched btw me and Her, we re pressed against each other and that sbad bc she s making me hallucinate that i m already dead and broken , like, i can see that my neck got broken when the car's tires somehow rolled over my neck  haectemporasunt (i guess that was a power of hers, remembering deaths and then they become real?) 

but the door gets free and i tumble backwards out of the car and slam it shut!!!!!  wiratomkinder FREEDOM!!!! haectemporasunt yeah!!!  haectemporasunt god it felt so good, id outwitted ( """"outwitted"""") her once again, and she cldnt leave the car for some reason--in waking hours i think, maybe bc it was still daylight even tho rain? or bc it was open sky? but in the dream i just Knew she cldnt follow me . i was safe until i went back indoors 

which i wld have to do in order to enter the auditorium and stop the play haectemporasunt but i was remembering this wasnt the first time i d outwitted her! i cld remember dank school corridors and a blue tiled pool and other situations where i d managed to evade her,e ven as she crawled into other people and burst them apart from the inside 

knowledge...with knowledge you cld survive against her, but there was something you needed to forget too, and i was starting to remember that too haectemporasunt in fact i cld remember the last time, the time the third to last of our friend group died, and friend (the one i didnt speak to anymore) and i had agreed that we needed to forget   wiratomkinder Hyoooooooogh  wiratomkinder Tactical amnesia haectemporasunt it was camping, we were desperate and trying to escape the play's consequences (which went beyond Her bc she was a mere symptom rmemeber) , we d made a sacrifice, done a ritual, and we were trying to isolate ourselves, and i remember watching my friend die in that campsite, i cant remember what happened now, i think their tent collapsed, and then something was in the collapsed tent with them, and we cld just see their squirming body and hear this ... sink disposal unit sound 

and i nearly died in my tent with Her on top of me, squeezing my throat and slamming me rhythmically with one of the tomes we d used in the play ritual, just smashing me in the face and her horrible smile

and the remaining friend had intervened, and she dug her fingernail under my eye and then she was gone

and that was when we decided we had to forget  wiratomkinder Holy shit haectemporasunt sadly that was getting near the end 

i remember the auditorium being very red and i remember my brother and his friends looking up as i approached

i remember the terrible importance of what i d chosen to forget

and i dont know what She was except she was partly a Force ie a force of (super)nature and that she d also once been a girl with feelings and perhaps love in her heart haectemporasunt but sadly i cant really remember anything else 

just me and my papers trying to convince others not to commit the same mistakes i did i guess?  wiratomkinder Holy shit

Thats really somethin!!! haectemporasunt i m kinda sad bc if i were to copy paste this for tumblr to enjoy someone s gonna be like Lol gravity falls forgetting plot 

or something  wiratomkinder Awww naw i dunno haectemporasunt but i really liked it! and not just bc i felt important and knowledgable   wiratomkinder Dreams is dreams they happen as they happen

And hell yeah! That was an adventure!

[survivorhogsmeade]

Episode #11 - Finale: I Can Do It. -Elmo

I am SO SAD :( :( :( I can't believe Alex outsmarted me AGAIN, i hope he is the next to go so i can tease him.  I'm really rooting for Anna and Madison to win but all in all it was a really fun game and I'm SO glad I had a chance to be a part of it! <3

I really should have kept my vote Anna, huh?  

SHE BETTER WIN THIS GAME!!  I swear I am SO hurt right now that Alex did that.   I wish Elmo would have tied it so it would have gone to rocks or so it would have scared Alex and Stephen enough to change their vote. I'm sorry for the spam confessionals.

So it all went well, the vote was split Anna-Ruthie, and Ruthie went on the revote. Now Annas angry but I think I can convince her that it wasn’t an attack on her and I do want to take her to the end.

Alex has tried to turn Anna against me but surprise bitch i have receipts (well copy-pastes because we cant use receipts). And now Anna sees that it wasn't me evilly in the corner excluding, it was a joint move.

https://vocaroo.com/i/s144RrJFFXlW

conf from last night I think I forgot to link this here

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0fO7PbJPQLM

https://youtu.be/qjXW6Tfnm9g

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKK YEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS MOOOOOOTTTTTHHHHHHHEEEEEEEERRRRRR FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKEEEEERRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSS

https://vocaroo.com/i/s1lGDf0PD7vp

im so scared of alex convincing anna and stephen to boot me like he's amazing at talking to people and he definitely could do that and that would mean bye bye Elmo. Hats off to King Alex S <3 I love him to pieces

Me watching the “get out ftc threats” train looking at alex knowing full well it'll be me or anna next in line: https://78.media.tumblr.com/7544457920da87e2b1124d923442a3e3/tumblr_inline_p678uaK13U1sdkexy_500.png

idk if that link worked of if people will even relate to the emotion it expresses but w/e. Anywho Alex is definitely next, things worked out well in that I didn’t have to do any work with except let her know I’m behind her 100% If this all works well and Madison and Elmo dont vote with Alex who is undoubtedly trying to vote me out I can gun for Elmo next. Besides not being able to get Madison and Anna not to vote me out instead of Elmo my biggest concern is a final immunity challenge, where who knows what could happen.

So elmo had a power that let him talk to a jury member, he talked to Olivia and found out me and Ruthie were the biggest threats to win... while yes that makes me feel very happy about my game and i've def proven that i'm a fuckin beast it also sucks bc i kNOW if i didn't win immunity i'd be gone and same with until the rest of this game.... 

obviously i know that i need immunity streaks to get to the end so why would i keep alex s who has beat me almost every time lol Madison Alex is really trying to fool me into not voting for him tonight! Little does he know I DONT CARE ABOUT WINNING!

https://vocaroo.com/i/s1AXOIUHNbBn

Oh my god the tension is killing me. Now that we know theres only one round till ftc everyone feels very on edge, because we are all trying to judge who we should take to the end. It is a risk voting out Anna as its a huge betrayal, and taking the likable elmo is a bit worrying, but i think Anna would win against anyone at ftc now, and she has to go. I guess I just have to hope people can see that while I played loyally for most of the game the last few rounds called for something different.

So i just finished the final immunity challenge and i got 17 minutes.... i think thats pretty good and i know if i lost then im gonna go home BUT regardless, i had so much fun playing this game. it honestly was such a breath of fresh air compared to what im used to in orgs. the hosting was impeccable, the challenges were literally so much fun and i really LOVE this community. thank you for casting me you guys, this is one of the best org experiences i have ever had and i hope to play more with these people in the future.

im just really proud of myself because coming into this game i was like "ok im gonna play different" and i really did. i usually don't hold back and go all out balls out physically and let my social/strategic game fall to the back burner but this game my social was ON POINT. i got to know so many people, was in 2 controlling alliances and just overall fuckin killed it. even if i don't win i know i played a winners game and i can sleep happy with knowing that!!

but i really wanna fuckin win haha

Its almost certainly me or Anna tonight, there are only three very unlikely scenarios that would stop that: Anna wins immunity at its a tie breaker between me and Elmo and I win; Anna wins immunity and votes with me and Madison against Elmo; Anna doesn’t win immunity and wins a tiebreaker against Elmo/Madison. More likely than not it will be Elmo and Madisons choice which of us goes home if neither of us win immunity, but god I hope I do. This may sound overly confident but without Anna there I think I’ll win this game, with Anna I still have a chance but who knows. A tiebreaker would be good for my resume but im not really a challenge beast.

ONE DAY I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL WIN A DAMN INDIVIDUAL IMMUNITY!!!! But yeah I’m pissed because not only did I not win immunity but Anna won, so now I have to hope shes either stupid enough to keep me or I somehow win a tie breaker. And as is clear now I suck at challenges

I WON FINAL IMMUNITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FTC HERE I COME!! I'm so relieved I could CRY

https://vocaroo.com/i/s19CFSgR4obc

https://youtu.be/MuxtX1hPBAk

im about to go to the final tribal council and im beyond nervous. im just hoping that i get my message across and that people really see that i deserve to win this game because I DO. i played the best game hands down and idk i just don't want ppl to vote for who they like the most bc then elmo wins...... we'll see i have so much irl stuff going on i just wanna win lol

So this is it. We’ve done our FTC and it’s all in the jurors hands now. The jurors who all seem to like Elmo a lot more than me, the jurors who have 2 of them as inactives, the jurors who just don’t seem like they are going to vote me to win. To say I’m feeling defeated is an understatement. I personally do believe that I played the best game, sure I pissed some people off but this is Survivor… sometimes the moves I make aren’t gonna make you happy. I went to every tribal council, breaking Athena HISTORY, and only received 3 votes to evict. I voted in the majority every time except once. I won 3 individual immunities. I worked my ass off to win this game and losing is going to be one of the biggest defeats I will have faced since the last time I got second. I just want to win so bad. I’ve worked SO hard and I want to get 1st. I think my FTC was amazing and what I said was great. I was honest, articulate and CONVINCING. I think that if I didn’t get through to the jury and they don’t vote me to win then that’s not on me anymore. At this point it’s either you are voting for someone who annihilated the game and strategically, physically and socially dominated or you’re voting for someone you LIKE. And if you are a juror who votes for your friends or someone who you think is nice then you shouldn’t be playing orgs. You should vote for the person who deserves the win and played the best game. If you don’t do that then what are you doing and why are you playing? This isn’t a game of “Best friends” its a game of SURVIVOR. 

I’m just so irritated and I wanna win so bad and like sure, if I played a bad game and wasn’t deserving I wouldn’t be so upset but I freaking DESERVE THIS. Second will hurt me so bad and I know that’s what I’m going to get.

And that concludes Survivor Athena: Hogsmeade! Thank you all for an amazing season!

#mischiefmanaged #confessionals