#like i KNOWWWW that’s crazy i know that but every time i get bad again my brain just comes up with even crazier more inventive ways to

[danniburgh]

Hot summer nights (Dave York x OFC) part four

Pairing: Dave York x ofc!Georgia Collins

Summary: It’s hot, both Dave, Georgia’s dad’s dark, tall bodyguard and the weather. Dave was always there, in her house and in her mind, as if it was his job to guard her thoughts instead of her dad’s well being.

Word count: +4.2k

Warnings: mentions of past smut, of death, theres a gun, death plotting, mentions of sexual harassment...

A/N: yeaaaah yeaaah i knowwww i left this for like almost three months i have no excuse but hey, yall didn’t think i’d let this incomplete, right? RIGHT?????? anyway, hope u enjoy this pair of crazy assholes uwu, bc this took an unexpected turn away from the original outline but the main idea is there, just... different lmao <3 and YES CHAPTER FIVE IS GONNA BE UP AT THE SAME TIME ALSO: to the new people that i have in my taglists, you dont have to read this series if you dont want, but if you do, thanks jsnjsndj

fic masterlist // Masterlist // Read on ao3

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓

gif: @thirstworldproblemss​

Georgia turned into her driveway and a small smile decorated her face when she saw her dad’s car gone; it was fairly early, but she was again alone after a few days of him being home for no apparent reason; and after a long day she needed time for herself; a glass or two of wine, her new favorite book that had found its way to her nightstand drawer, and a warm bath.

She trotted to the kitchen to grab the chilled half drank bottle of wine from the fridge and ran up the stairs, already trying to take her clothes off.

She let the bathroom door open as she got the bath ready and lit up some candles; as the tub filled, she finished undressing in front of the mirror, smiling at the darker marks that adorned her body.

Georgia wasn’t a woman that liked to have physical evidence of her sexual encounters; it wasn’t in her taste to have someone’s hand marked on her hips, someone’s bite stinging the tender flesh of her shoulder; not before Dave. He would leave soft, dark pink scratches and love bites around her torso, he would leave purple bruises in between her thighs and slight burns on her skin from his pubic hair. 

All made in the heat of the moments they shared; each and every single one of them soothed and kissed once the bliss dissipated and his senses came back to him.

The tub was full of water and the smell of the bath salts inundated the room. Georgia smiled to herself when the image and feeling of Dave sneaking into her room as she took a late night bath and slipping inside the tub with her came back to her memory and as she sat on it and her body relaxed with the warm water; she let herself reminisce of all the things he did to her that night.

Dave was getting inside her in a deeper way than sexual; and she loved it.

Georgia didn’t know how or when she had fallen in love with him; maybe it was in the first night, when he snuck into her room and made her feel things she hadn’t feel before; or maybe it was in the after sex conversations they shared, mumbling and whispering and muffling the laughter his bad jokes got out of her; maybe it was when he discovered that she didn’t like when her dad touched her and had made sure to erase every single sensation of her dad’s touch with his own.

Maybe it was everything and not a single thing, Georgia didn’t know but she did and he expressed himself enough to let her know he loved her too.

For her, nothing mattered more than what she felt for him and what he made her feel; he was perfect in a way she didn’t even understand but that she felt, deeply deeply inside her body; and he knew her enough for her to trust him into doing whatever he wanted to her. And he trusted her enough to do the same.

The water cooled as she smiled at the memory of him telling her about his life and about what he used to do; his trust on her growing and growing along the time they spent together, he even told her how he did some of the things he was paid to do before working with her dad.

And that night he did, she had ridden him so hard he had moaned her name over and over into her neck as he came inside her.

Georgia, Georgia, Peach, my little peach. My girl, my perfect woman.

She got out of the bathtub and wrapped herself in her bathrobe; her mind still flooded with the memories of what happened with him when the sun went down and the house was silent. She didn’t want it to stop; but she also wanted more. She needed more.

What did she want she didn’t know at that exact moment; but she knew she wanted to stop sneaking around with Dave. Georgia wanted to be able to hold him and kiss him and talk to him outside the secrecy and the confines of her bedroom, or his, or the kitchen in the middle of the night.

She wanted to love him openly and she even wanted to share her life with him without fearing that he lost his job or she lost whatever she had inside her dad’s house.

Georgia wondered what it would take for her to get what she wanted as she dressed up. Her mind flew away while she sat in front of her mirror and rubbed moisturizer on her face, a glimpse of burgundy caught her attention next to her own reflection and she smirked when she focussed her gaze on the leather-bound journal that had found a home on her nightstand; the one she read every other night, the one Dave read to her when she asked him nicely enough.

And then as her eyes looked at that book, her mind snapped in realization.

It was a way. Certainly it was an option.

Georgia frowned at her own reflection.

“Are you seriously thinking about that?” she asked herself as the images of the last decade played in her mind, “he never did anything to you.” she mumbled, closing her eyes for a few seconds while flashes of her father’s ice green eyes and horribly warm hands and sickening wet mouth invaded her head; the scowls, the smirks, the smiles; the glances, the winks, the gazes; the hugs, the caresses, the grips.

When Georgia opened her eyes, she immediately turned to look at the journal and gazed at it for what it felt like hours.

She couldn’t ask him that.

The idea was wild and an infinite amount of wrong; the thought was almost insane but at the same time it made some kind of sense.

But she couldn’t ask that to him.

Georgia couldn’t, even if she wanted; even if she was already thinking about the words she’d use or the tone of her voice or the way to approach the subject.

He wouldn’t.

Would he?

He had told her why he had left that business and she was sure, inside her head, that for much that she asked, he would say no.

Georgia turned back around and tutted her mouth.

So her mind reeled with other options as she rubbed body cream on her arms; she couldn’t think of something that would be effective enough, until, as if a bulb illuminated with a warm light inside her mind and her hazel eyes brightened up in front of her, she remembered her dad had a gun somewhere inside the house.

Simple inside her mind, difficult in real life.

Georgia stood up and gave a last look at her reflection; she left her short, brown hair wet and loose, her makeup-less face gave her a warm welcome. She bit her pink lower lip and smirked softly at the way her shirt didn’t cover one of Dave’s bite marks on her neck.

She walked out of her bedroom and turned into her dad’s; his door was unlocked, and she just pushed it open; she got dizzy and felt a slight churn inside her stomach as the scent of his cologne that lingered on the space entered through her nostrils.

With a newfound bravery inside her body and fighting away any flee instinct that touching his things made her feel, she started checking on every drawer around his room; his nightstands, the chest that rested at the foot of the bed, under the bed, the commode drawers, the closet. She looked inside every space she could think of and sighed when she found nothing.

Georgia gave one last glance around the room and looked at the commode again. From the place she was standing, she noticed it didn’t have the wooden feet she remembered it had.

She strode towards it and kneeled in front as she opened both wooden doors below the drawers; a smile creeped over her face as she studied the black safe that sat on the floor inside the bottomless commode.

It was fairly big and looked heavy, had a silver handle and next to it, an electronic pad and it apparently required a six-digit combination to open. She tried the first thing that came to her mind and pressed each number for her dad’s date of birth. The pad made three sharp beep noises, and it illuminated with a red light… wrong.

She entered her mom’s date of birth; three beeps and the red pad… wrong.

With her lower lip between her teeth, she entered hers; zero nine, one, zero, nine, five.

The pad went green and a loud, almost ominous unlocking noise was heard. She scoffed and rolled her eyes as she pulled from the handle, opening the heavy door of it.

Her face lit up when she saw the black holster right on top of a red box, it looked just tossed there. Georgia took it and raised her thick brows at the unexpected weight of it. Before she could take it out of the holster, her eyes landed on the red box the gun was lying on top of. It had her dad’s initials written in black.

She left the gun on the floor next to her and took out the box in two hands. It was fairly light and she left it in front of her.

Knowing what she knew about her dad, Georgia hesitated in opening it, but did it before the feelings could invade her entire mind and she backed out.

She lifted the lid and left it next to the holstered gun; the first thing she saw was a yellow envelope. She took it and looked inside, there were a bunch of pictures; she took them out and her breath hitched as the first picture took form in front of her.

It was her. A picture of her on a trip she did with her friends a few years back, on the beach, wearing a purple bikini.

Georgia frowned and felt the impending rise of a deep, decade-old anger bubble inside her; she slid that one to the back of the bunch and the next one was another picture of her in a blue bikini on the same trip; her legs bare and slightly tanned, her breasts up because of the tightness of the top, her smile bright and her eyes almost closed because she remembered that when her friend took that picture she had made a joke so bad she just couldn’t hold it inside.

She smiled to herself because of the irony; those pictures had been taken with her phone and she didn’t post any of them on any social media. And as she kept skimming through the pictures, she felt her face quirk in a scowl; her lips curved down and her nose wrinkled in disgust.

The next ones weren’t any better; more printed pictures of her, some of them had been taken directly from her instagram profile, the one she had private, the one she was sure she had only shared with her friends; and some others were just her sitting around the house.

Georgia felt a tear escaping her eye and brushed it away with more force than necessary when she finished skimming through the pictures and shoved them back inside the envelope; it wasn’t happening.

She always had suspicions; she had instincts that told her to never let her guard down near him, but she never thought of what she would do if her thoughts and her feelings were to become real.

Georgia felt sick.

What rested under the first envelope was another one, a white envelope, slightly smaller than the yellow one; she took it against her better judgement and opened it, emptying it on her lap; a block of pictures tied with a rubber band fell out of it.

The one on top made her want to vomit as she took off the band with shaking hands; it was a selfie she had saved in her phone, a picture she had taken of herself in her bathroom mirror with only a white towel covering her damp body, her hair dripping onto her shoulders, her face partially covered with the phone.

She let out a sob when she slid that one to the back, she covered her mouth when a small whine escaped her throat as she looked at the next one, it was a picture of her in a lingerie set she had taken for herself.

Georgia dropped the entire block of pictures onto the floor and felt her entire body shaking as her eyes glanced at some of the next ones; nude pics she had sent to an ex partner a couple of years before, one of them with her covering her breasts with her arm; another one with her legs angled to cover her mound and her boobs on full display.

“What the fuck.” she sobbed out, covering her face with her hands as she let herself drown in her own pain.

Georgia wanted to scream; she wanted to run away, far, far away from the man that was supposed to look after her but had obviously violated her privacy in so many ways she was even questioning what else had he taken away from her. She had never really trusted him, but she didn’t think he would do something like that.

She cleared her throat and brushed the tears that had fallen on her cheeks off, Georgia knew there was no way she could keep living under the same roof with a man that so disgustingly saw her as a woman and not as his daughter; she shoved everything back into the box as fast and as tidy as she could, still shaking, still crying; she didn’t know what to do; she wanted to escape; she wanted to grab everything that was hers and beg Dave to take her somewhere else.

She wanted to leave everything behind and never look back.

But as she was about to put the box back to the place she had found it, she knew she couldn’t just do it.

Georgia had no chance of disappearing if he was alive to look for her until he found her.

And then, as sudden as the realization that she had to kill him to leave; the last ten years of her life started to make more sense; the little to no financial autonomy she had, the excuses he found every time she talked about moving out to force her to stay, the fact that he started an entire business for her to work on but never really let her fully manage it; him always knowing somehow where she was, she even started wondering if he had something to do with every partner she ever had leaving her out of the sudden.

She couldn’t help but wonder what in her life was real and what was manufactured by her dad.

And, unwanted and unwelcomed, the thought of Dave and her relationship with him, whichever the name of it was, being another of his manipulations crossed her mind.

But Georgia knew him, she trusted him with everything she had and everything she was; he couldn’t be. She was sure he wasn’t. She was sure he was the only thing in her life her father hadn’t tainted with his sickness and insanity.

Ryan Collins wanted her only for himself and as she tossed the gun inside the safe, closed it and took the box with her, she started wondering if he had anything to do with her mom’s passing.

Georgia ran out of his bedroom and towards hers; she left the box on her bed and rushed to her nightstand, opening the drawer and taking the small burner phone Dave had gotten for her, only for emergencies.

She dialed his number with shaky fingers and he picked up in the second tone.

“What’s wrong?” Dave’s voice sounded deep and she sighed as she held the phone with her shoulder and her cheek and put on the first pair of shoes she found.

“Where are you?” she asked him, the thin sound of her own voice surprised her; its usual deepness was gone, it sounded small, low and shaky, she decided she didn’t like it, as she looked around for her purse.

“Your dad’s office,” he replied “what is wrong?” he asked once again, his voice more stern than before.

“Where’s he?” she asked, sniffing. She walked towards the bed and grabbed the box, gripping it behind her arm.

“A meeting,” Dave sighed and she knew he wouldn’t ask again what he wanted to know, “baby girl.”

“I’m on my way,” she let out before he could say anything else, “is the meeting of the long ones?”

“Yes.” he let out.

“I’ll be there in fifteen.” and she hung up, shoving the small phone inside her bag and rushing down the stairs.

Georgia almost ran out of the house and trotted towards her car. Dave texted the burner phone, and she looked at it in a red light.

You left my question unanswered.

She didn’t text him back; she drove almost in automatic, her mind filled with the thoughts of the past ten years; memories that made her feel sick and betrayed, feelings of discontent, of fakeness and fabrications; Georgia was loathing the feeling inside her chest as she drove, eyeing the red box that rested on her co-pilot’s seat in between turns and traffic lights.

Surprisingly, there was no more plotting inside her mind; she didn’t have to think for another second about what was the best option to get rid of him. The box and its contents were enough to do whatever she wanted to do to him; but as the thoughts of how he had manipulated her life to a point in which she had to live with him and endure his unwanted and noticeable advances, and she had to sneak around with his bodyguard to get a small glimpse into what a normal relationship was, she knew there was not another way to end his grip on her life.

And as Georgia parked her car and walked inside the building and into an elevator with the red box in her hands, she even thanked whatever force of nature or destiny or faith had sent Dave into her life.

He was the one that showed him what love and sex and pleasure was supposed to feel like, he showed her how laughing until her stomach hurt was like, he taught her what her body could do and how to make his do things she never imagined. And once she showed him what her dad had kept locked inside a safe, he would do the job for her.

Georgia walked out of the elevator and nodded a small smile to the receptionist as best as she could, the woman just waved at her and buzzed her inside the offices; she strode directly to her dad’s, just before the meeting room, and opened the door without announcing herself.

Dave was standing next to the floor to ceiling window, looking at the sun setting; he turned to look at her as she closed the door behind her and locked it.

Dave saw Georgia curl her mouth down and her hazel eyes he loved to see filled with tears, she broke into tears as soon as his deep brown eyes fell on her and she left the box on her dad’s desk, almost jumping onto him.

“What happened?” he whispered sternly in her brown hair as she clung to him; his words settled inside her body and she felt the way he tightened the grip he had around her, his hand on her nape, right under her hair and his arm around her waist. 

Georgia sobbed inside his shoulder and Dave dragged her with him towards the couch in the opposite corner of the office; he sat with her on his lap; she curled on him and made herself smaller as her fist gripped his shirt and she hid her flushed, wet face inside him.

Worry made him frown his brow deeper as she tried to calm down enough to form a coherent thought.

“He’s crazy.” Georgia muttered out, lifting her head from his shoulder; Dave slid his hands to her face and cupped it closer to him. He knew who she was referring to and why; but before asking why she was saying it out loud, he brushed away her tears from her hazel, watery eyes with his calloused thumbs, left a kiss on her forehead and another feathery touch of his lips on her mouth that made her calm down faster and better than any respiration exercise.

“Tell me, peach.” he half-asked, half-ordered once he knew she was more relaxed, his hands slid back to her lower back and her waist and he tried to reassure her as best as he could.

Georgia turned to the desk and pointed at the red box.

“Look inside it.” she whispered. Dave frowned in confusion and she nodded, a new tear rolling down her pale cheek. He kissed her on the place where the tear made its way down and she smiled softly when she saw the drop of salty water resting on his lip; he licked it and she nodded her chin towards the direction of the desk.

Dave helped her slide off him and sit on the couch as he stood up, left a soft kiss over her brown hair and walked towards the desk. He sat on one of the chairs in front of it and opened the box. She felt her leg starting to bounce in anxiety as he took the yellow envelope in his hand.

“Where did you find this?” he asked as he opened the envelope.

“Inside his safe.” Georgia replied, he didn’t ask anything else; she saw his face harden and his jaw tighten when he looked at the first picture.

She closed her eyes for a few seconds to drown the tears that had reappeared, and stood up, she walked away from the couch and looked outside the window. Down on the street, the cars were obliviously driving away through the city; unaware.

Dave looked at every single picture inside both envelopes while Georgia worked herself up to grab the courage she needed to ask him what she wanted; he felt his skin boil with that deep anger that he hadn’t felt in so long; the anger he had been trained long years before she was even born to channel into something gruesome.

He noticed a short, wide envelope at the bottom of the box and he looked at her; the sun was just finishing setting and the orange shine of the night sky dismissing the day made Georgia glow; she looked precious; her brown hair glimmered with the warm tones of the sun, her hazel eyes shone like two clear ambar stones, her chewed on pink lips trembled by the weight of the implications of what Dave had in front of her but yet he wanted nothing but to kiss; she looked like a jewel he somehow got and didn’t deserve, he wanted to know what she was thinking.

He wanted to open up her head and roam around her brain just to know her every thought.

Dave opened that envelope as Georgia crossed her arms on her chest and sighed with her eyes still locked outside.

“I think he killed my mom.” she whispered out, both to him and to the newly born night sky.

Dave took out the piece of paper inside the envelope, unfolded it, and read it.

A ten-year-old chemist receipt that charged for a bottle of potassium chloride.

He knew what it meant; he knew what it did; he knew how much to use and where to inject it for it to work in certain ways; he knew how it acted on a human body; Dave had even used something like that before turning his life around and leaving that way of work.

“He did.” Dave mumbled, looking up at her. She turned her head to him with her mouth half opened and her eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill out and flood the entire office, the building, the town.

“No.” Georgia whined out, shaking her head, her face quirking in pain.

Dave stood up and strode towards her, taking her inside his arms; he felt her shaking against him; he felt her small; he felt her helpless, defenseless, little.

For the first time since he had met her, he saw Georgia as that fifteen-year-old that had lost her mom; he saw her as the orphaned girl looking for someone to look after her when everyone in her life had failed her. He understood why he wanted to take care of her so much, he knew then how much she needed it.

He saw that big part of her that was hidden even from herself, and he loved that little girl as much as he loved her.

“Dave, oh god,” Georgia let out in a sob, he tried to soothe her as best as he could, his warm hand roaming up and down her back “please, please kill him,” she whispered into his ear, clinging to his shirt. “please, please.” she begged.

Dave stiffened in the embrace and looked outside the window, the last ray of melted sunshine was disappearing and the night took over the sky, he gave her a kiss on the crown of her head.

“Anything, my peach, anything for you.”

let me know if you wanna be removed :)

pedrito's perma list: @northernpunk​ @pascalesque​ @sleep-tight1​ @cheekygeek05​ @letaliabane​ @supernaturalgirl20​ @alliterative-albatross​ @metalarmsandmanbuns​ @greeneyedblondie44​ @missswriter​ @juletheghoul​ @pedro-pastel​ @agirllovespancakes​ @charlispersonallyhell​ @hopeevenonthisside​ @sherala007​ @magpie-to-the-morning​ @beskarboobs​ @kenoobiwan​ @queridopascal​

dick aneurysm: @starlightmornings​ @ezrasbirdiealso​ @purplepascal042​ @pascalslittlebrat​ @mothandpidgeon​ @wyn-n-tonic​ @mesmorales​ @charnelhouse​

Dave York pit neighbors: @mypedrom​ @rebelliouscat​ @hnt-escape​ @hylliamoon​ @antisocialthat70sshow​ @pascals-cat​

#Dave York #dave york x reader #dave york x you #dave york fanfiction #dave york the equalizer #the equalizer 2 #Pedro Pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #Jose Pedro Balmaceda Pascal #pedro pascal characters #hot summer nights tag

[ohmygoshimmovingon]

Comfort

Comfort (noun)

1. a state of physical ease and freedom from pain or constraint.

2. the easing or alleviation of a person's feelings of grief or distress.

Comfort (verb)

1. ease the grief or distress of; console.

One of the best feelings is comfort. Everyone’s comfort is different. You can find comfort in so many things. Comfort comes from being in your bed, or being in bed with someone who brings you comfort. Comfort comes with eating your favorite food, or a home cooked meal (especially after you’ve been eating caf food in college every day). Comfort comes from being with family and friends. Comfort comes from watching your favorite movie, even if it is the 50th time, and you’ve memorized every word. Comfort comes from driving late at night, listening to that song (you know the song, it may not be your absolute fav, but it is your fav to listen to when you’re doing the late night drive. You know the one). Comfort comes from the things you do when you’re sad, even if it is listening to sad songs, when you’re already sad, that only makes you MORE sad. Comfort comes from a random feeling from people around you, there is no way you could even put the feeling into words. Comfort comes from reading and reflecting on your favorite bible verse. Comfort comes from hearing someones voice or someone’s laugh. Comfort comes from just being in the presence of the right person. Comfort comes from shopping at your favorite store, even if you spend wayyyy too much money. Comfort comes from seeing the right person’s name pop up on your phone. Comfort comes from that scent, like the song, you just have to know the scent. Comfort comes from taking off that outfit that you only where that you only wore to look cute, and not for comfort. Comfort comes from a hug from someone, whether it is a greeting hug, a hug when you’re sad, any type of hug. Comfort comes from the people you surround yourself with hyping you up, when you don’t feel like you look your best. Comfort comes from the hobby you do to take your mind off of things, and just escape. Comfort comes from your favorite pair of shoes, all types, shapes, and sizes. Comfort comes from your favorite late night snack (Like when you wake up at 2am, can’t sleep, get bored, and decide, to put your boredom to rest, you’re gonna eat. EVEN THOUGH, you’re not even hungry). Comfort comes from that nail color you get when you’re at a loss of what to get. Comfort comes from wearing all your normal rings and jewelry (I know we all feel naked without them). Comfort comes from a shower, perfect temperature, nice playlist, and towel ready. Comfort comes from where you find it, because it is different for everyone. 

Who, what, and where does my comfort come from? My bed is my favorite place in the world to feel comfortable, but I also find comfort sleeping anywhere with my Bub next to me. My favorite food is wings, you alreaddyyyy knowwww, but my favorite home cooked meal is my Gmoney’s baked macaroni, roast, and veggies (Big Al’s crawfish is a HOT second). Being around family is great, shoutout to my Gmoney, my Ten, and Trent. Friends can always make things better, honorable mention: Bub (shocking, I know), Hoes Don’t Get Cold, THOSE bitches, and even Sands and Drakey. My favorite movie(s), because I can’t pick one, are The Greatest Showman, Moana, and The Blind Side. My late night drive go to is Oceans by Hillsong United, but right after that, it is either Crazy Beautiful by Luke Combs or Speechless by Dan and Shay (honestly I have a late night playlist, these are just the ones I like the best, right now, subject to change). When I’m sad, I watch David Dobrik, possibly James Charles and Jeffree Star (mainly David, I will normally start then in order, over and over). I also, have a sad song playlist (It WILL make you cry, hit me up if you’re tryna cry, I’ll give you the deets). My random comfort feeling comes in the Dome at the Saints games. There is no other feeling like it. My favorite Bible verse is Proverbs 16:24 “Kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul”. This is my favorite Bible verse because my Gramps would always remind me of it constantly (this is always why I tend to call everyone honey, well hunny). My favorite voice and laugh to hear is, yes, you guess it, Bub’s. I’m sorry he brings me so much comfort y’all, I’m just being honest. The person whose presence brings me comfort, well, Bub, again, but also Maria. They both make me feel so much less alone, even if we aren’t talking and we are just being together. As bad as it is for my wallet, Lulu Lemon brings me a whole new world of comfort. Okay, I shouldn’t even touch on this one, because YES, THE PERSON WHOSE NAME POPPING UP ON MY PHONE THAT I LOVE THE MOST IS BUB. Special shoutout though, my favorite time it pops up is when it says “Juan Raymundo answered incorrectly” on Trivia Crack. The scent of my Gmoney brings me a serious comfort, and the smell of a certain someone’s (yes.) clothes when I miss them. Every night I go out or wear fricken JEANS, it is the greatest feeling to take the outfit off, wash my face, and put on a big tshirt (no bra of course) and shorts. The hug thing is specific for each thing, and kinda works the same for everyone. If you haven’t seen someone in a while, it feels great to hug them (it’s that long good snug hug). When I cry, I like to be held by Maria, and Bub. I have to say, there was one time, in Lafayette, when Maria and I were leaving, and Sands knew I was sad. He hugged me and we exchanged a look, and it was like a mutual (everything will be okay look). That hug was one that definitely brought comfort. My friends HYPE. ME. UP. Hoes Don’t Get Cold, THOSE bitches, even Bub most times. To escape from the world, I like to paint (watercolor hits the spot). This is the thing I do when I don’t nap to escape. My pair of shoes of choice, is indeed, my very classic 270s. You’ve all seen them, because I wear them, uhhh pretty much everyday. At night, thanks to Juan Manuel Raymundo, my fav snack is purple Doritos and fucking Queso. I am well aware that is unnecessary calories, but YALL, it is so good. White, light blue, or black, and white again. Those are my go to nail colors, and by go to, I mean they are the ONLY colors I have ever and will ever get. I wear 4 rings. My class ring on my middle finger on the left hand. On my right hand, the index finger is home to the cursive s ring Juan’s mom got me for Christmas, my middle finger houses the thick ring with a raised cross my Ten gave me, and my ring finger is for my 3 shotgun house ring from Jose Bali that my Gmoney got me. I wear my S THOSE bitches necklace everyday, and my star cuff bracelet. I ALWAYS have a ponytail and a scrunchie on my wrist, if the scrunchie isn’t in my hair (but i always have the extra ponytail, because you never know). Recently, I have been wearing my colorful “Sophie” thread bracelet next to my star cuff too. I CANNOT forget the four piercings in each of my ears. I don’t even care what earrings are in them. I just need them in. I like my showers absolutely SCALDING hot, like burn my skin please. I would like the water temperature to be so hot, it fogs up the mirror almost immediately. I tend to listen to very mellow music. 

I know it seems like I have so many things that make me comfortable, and there are probably more. As you all noticed, a lot of my comforts root from Juan. I would like to think that I am a good amount of his too. I don’t think it is a bad thing that he makes me feel so comfortable. I think it just another thing to add to the list of reasons he is my best friend. I am sure you think that these all have an underlying message that relates back to Bub. You’re not wrong, but it isn’t completely intentional (the last one obviously was). He is extremely important to me, and he has helped me so much. Things are hard, and have been for a while now, and he has been my distraction and hope. Finding someone you can connect with like I connect with him, is a 20/10 experience. Just don’t pick him, -20/10 would recommend that, because I’ll kill you. He’s my best friend mofos. LOML.  

[irregulardiaryposts]

20:27 10/01/2021 so. yes hello . i have corona looool. its not funny but it kinda is. a lot has changed since the last time i wrote and yet nothing at all has happened. its 2021 lol. its just 2020 pt 2 tho. crazy shit. i feel fine tho i dont feel ill at all. im currently looking at some art that i like and trying to find more since i wanna make a collage on my wall or something. ive always wanted a room that just feels like ME ya know. i always felt like my room didnt really show who i was because i tend to live in my head. like all of me is in my noggin instead of showing who i am through the way i dress/how my room looks/personalised things like my phone and stuff . like its never really shown what im like probably because i dont really know who i am. that feels weird to say because of course i know who i am. its a me. mario. no. lol. i really want to get into tailoring my life to ME rather than just existing ya know. like i feel as though theres no point doing anything like expressing myself because ill just end up being not bothered to finish something or ill end up not liking it so ive wasted my time. but u know what. fuck it. i wanna do thinks like that and maybe one day ill look back at when i started doing this and thank myself. thats got to be worth more than the feeling of disappointment of wasting ur time for something u dont like. coz if its not better then thats not fair. i was contemplating whether or not to actually continue this because its cringe and i dont want anyone to ever find this because i hate people knowing more about me than i let them. you only ever get to know the me i want you to. lol. i exist on my conditions. i should really put this somewhere else than on a notepad on my laptop. maybe i should create a tumblr account and upload these coz i think i could access it more privately than this. the more i think about it the better of an idea this is. i still like writing on this notepad because its familiar and allows for more expression i think . because i can make as many spelling mistakes as i want and no one can correct me. haagaHHghvsqhdbjsnbsd. anyways what was i talking about. ah yes self expression. i think ive been struggling with this because i dont like boxing myself in. and i especially hate when other people box me in . :((((((( makes me mad >:[ hehehheh anyway i have the first day of online school tomorrow ... which... yeah sucks. but i dont even know if half my teachers are actually doing it lol. i hope prelims get cancelled because i mean the exams are so why shouldnt prelims be. the thing is that i struggle with motivation so much. and its not even like "i dont want to start this massive project because it will take a lot of time and energy" its more "i cant pick up that book that is within arms reach even though i quite like the idea of reading right now and wouldnt mind getting a bit of progress done i just physically cant put my phone down and pick that up because my brain doesnt want to even though.. it does????" man am i bad at explaining. anyway i was saying that because even though i knowwww i shouldve been studying the past two weeks the only thing ive done is like.. look at some spanish and thought about things i can do in my own time to help that. but the thing is i enjoy spanish for the most part so like,,, with me enjoying the subject, wanting to learn it, and going to fking uni for it, all ive done is 20 minutes of spur of the moment writing lmao. so chemistry and maths are fked. coz i dislike chem especially. fuck that shit lol. i feel very trapped in my own head but i feel like im doing that becauese ive learned to do that for so long. its weird existing to other people especially when u didnt feel like u existed to yourself for a long time. like as though ehdjsb jhbwalkjkjbf i dont know what im saying. oh yeah the minecraft end poem almost made me cry again. im gonna read it again because i just reminded myself and im gonna come back and tell u my fave. why am i speaking to you as though u are real. like ur a person. maybe ill keep doing that. what do u think. anyway brb wait im gonna play minecarft music while i read it and maybe i can cry. "i like this player. it played well. it did not give up" "this player dreamed of sunlight and trees. of fire and water. it dreamed it created. and it dreamed it destroyed. it dreamed it hunted, and was hunted. it dreamed of shelter." "does it know we love it? that the universe is kind?" "to cure it of sorrow would destroy it. the sorrow is part of its own private task" "to tell them how to live is to prevent them living" "take a breath, now. take another. feel air in your lungs. let your limbs return. yes, move your fingers. have a body again, under gravity, in air. respawn in the long dream. there you are. your body is touching the universe again at every point, as though you were separate things. as though we were separate things" "and why does the universe touch your skin, and throw light on you? to see you, player. to know you. and to be known." "and the universe said i love you - and the universe said you have played the game well - and the universe said everything you need is within you - and the universe said you are stronger than you know - and the universe said you are the daylight - and the universe said you are the night - and the universe said the darkness you fight is within you - and the universe said the light you seek is within you - and the universe said you are not alone - and the universe said you are not sepsrate from every other thing - and the universe said you are the universe tasting itself, talking to itself, reading its own code - and the universe said i love you because you are love" *sobs* " and the player was the universe. and the player was love. you are the player. wake up." how was i supposed to be okay after reading that huh. honestly tho i live minecraft like its such a beautiful game i cant believe i used to be ashamed to admit i played it :/ . in the middle of that i created a tumblr account coz i got sidetracked but its good to know that tumblr doesnt have a character limit that im aware of. anyway i know thats a lot of quotes its like almost half of the entire poem but like. its beautiful tho. its really grounding and like validating? to hear some of that idk. the universe is actually fking mental tho lol and i love learning about it i think thats one of the reasons i did so well in physics is that is taking something so entirely complex and crazy into math and reason and logic so i can at least understand a little about the universe. i can know it back. maybe i am the universe. and really were just understanding ourselves. getting to know who we are and where we all came from. i think thats lovely since some people (inc me) dont really know who they are or what theyre supposed to be so its comforting to know that at the very least we are all made from atoms and we were all forged from the same galaxy and that we are a part of the universe, part of something important just by existing. that we dont have to be special or unique by anyone's standards because we are formed in the same way stars are, were all just a collection of atoms, arranged to make up something incredible, and the fact that we can understand that shows how remarkable we are just by existing. like thats it. we are amazing just because we exist at the same time as the universe, that we are the universe. and so yes physics is "just maths" but maths is a tool to explain how phenomenal our exitance actually is. yeah. wow. ok imma go watch youtube or something now. bye bye. also notice how there was like an almost 3 month gap in between writing these. yeah.

#bad spelling and grammar but thats how this all will be hahahahahah #january 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

[feralhogs]

ANSWER 1 THROUGH 65 HO

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

WPOOOOO LETS GO 

Y E E T

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

nnnnooooooo. its called holding onto my last marble.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

1. sometimes i can freak myself out going to the bathroom at night but bro. i take walks at like 11pm or whenever the hell i please. and i LIKE IT.

3. The person you would never want to meet?

i would not care to meet dick face

4. What is your favorite word?

worm

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

well darn i dont really knowwww!!!!!!! the big jungle one from minecraft. but i love weeping willows of course.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i didnt think

7. What shirt are you wearing?

my pyjama shirt from new vegas. las vegas. oh my god. not that i went there. my friend did. ive been wearing it for 3 days now. because its fine.

8. What do you label yourself as?

androgynouOOUUSSSSSSS i heard it described the most accurately for me as “in between blue and pink, purple is a blend while not being either of them.” yes this SPECIFICALLY. i could never be feminine while female presenting, but now that im usually read as masculine i go around seeming gay as fuck. and even though this sounds like heresy considering how i instinctively want to throat punch people who feminize me, i have comfortably considered myself a woman lately ONLYYYYYYYY BY being as butch as a butch can possibly butch. maybe without the cars. i would NEVER go by she/her NEVER NEVER NEVER. like there literally are butch women who go on T and use he/him pronouns. that brings me euphoria too and i find people reallllyyyyyy get mind-bent at this point. i really also get irritated at the idea that identifying with both lessens one or the other... thats why i like the purple thing so much. like im 100% of the thing. i was watching on queer eye, once, there was this part where all these women met up and one of them who was really masculine was saying how “a woman can look like this too” and i was like “i am probably crying for an important reason right now” and sometimes i feel attraction to women that is nOT of the ManTM just... i can do what i want. 

but my point is it’s like im only happy if i have a blend. theres even a particular quality of it i can put my finger on, like a rugged, handsome feel... and then a flamboyant, passionate feel... mix em all up... 

9. Bright room or dark room?

BRIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT 

GUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

transition juice, or fucking around with cs paint with some gentle existential dread

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

this one, because my life is not hell, and i know a few basics about adulting now

12. Who told you they loved you last?

the sister. i said it for damage control because she had blown a fuse the other day. i was being very fake on purpose because i’m not being vulnerable with someone who will blow up. when she says it all i feel is pain. like cold paralyzing needles in my soul. i cant say i love you to her and mean it, even if i want to. honestly i wish people would say this to me. the most i love yous i remember are from family members putting band aids on the wreckage of our relationships, so i can feel a little twang of guilt and longing for what could have been and should have been. and feel like i should be doing something more. and feeling awkward because you both know they fucked up and it’s the elephant in the room. and i can feel their confusion and sickness causing them pain, feeling that pain for them. 

13. Your worst enemy?

hmmm. anyone who made me feel like less than i am. anyone 

14. What is your current desktop picture?

cherry blossoms and a city at night that i stole off the internet

15. Do you like someone?

like like crushes right? i fucking wish. i am so god damn sick of myself. i dont feel fuck or shit for anyone. its a fucking wasteland. yes im on T so i want to fuck anything that moves. and yet? can i please have some feelings? please may i have some feelings? not aesthetic appreciation. not moral, personality appreciation. or even just a deep respect and compassion. these are all fine things of course. but cant someone just drive me crazy? cant i have that extra spice of life? cant i just have a little bit of happy crazy? i will know a perfectly lovely person and ill WANT to have feelings for them. but i FUCKEN DONT. I DONT!!!! SHIT!!!!! WHAT IS THE MEANIGN?!?!??!??!?!1 i have fucking YET to meet anyone im more obsessed with than some really gay ocs. come on universe!!!! bring it!!! poor oscar. poor fucking oscar. whatever wavelength im vibing on man you are not on it. i wish you were on it. i wish you were on it oscar. you are hot you are hot with your bike oscar. and the rose quartz i gave you. the rose quartz you wanted. but i feel no authentic electric connection to you. i feel like all i just see is how your brain works with a coolheaded certainty. all i do is analyze what you are wearing so i can be as hot as you. maybe id like to draw you. and girls from work. you are so beautiful and amazing. i see you in bikinis on instagram. and im like oh beauty standards. look at you go, adhering to them. my heart rate goes right along at the same old pace. dont tell me this is principles. does someone have to smell bad? like edward cullen?? CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST SEDUCE ME?!!!?? ID LOVE SOME EXTRA WILL TO LIVE! THEN MY STORIES WILL BE BETTER!!!! see this is the whole problem

16. The last song you listened to?

what am i to you by finn the human or actually that asgore fight song that i do not know the context of and dont want to until i play the game for myself

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

i would save this button for a karen.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

jk rowling. every time i see her face in a news article about why her bland new transphobia anvil book is pretty bland without addressing the raging transphobia in it and around it, i take a minute and contemplate shoving a pie in her face, and agonizing that i cannot do it from this distance.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

a... slave? is this a kink thing? im fucking laughing this is going to be so honest. probably a toxic person from my past i have unresolved sexual tension with, especially since i was in my abused kid shell and was a huge doormat so now im all vengeful with issues. since this is totally something i am open to considering right now i would like to browse this concept’s menu

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

yknow what? yknow what? i am just going to say all of me. i am feeling very body positive right now. i often feel isolated as fuck because of trans stuff and male body standards, but thats Also What Makes Me Special :) i like me, i like my face, i think i am very cool and unique, and i can walk fast.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

GOD DAMN IT THIS FUCKING QUESTION AGAIN

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

yes. but it’s a secret.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

deep sea creatures. idk. even if its small and not even ugly. i just lose my fucking mind. i jump out of my chair. i get the heebies and the jeebies.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

okay. chicken. cheese. something spicy so it wont be boring. a fuck ton of veggies so i can be healthy. and some olives, fuck olive haters.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

IM GOING TO GIVE IT TO MY LANDLORD <3

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

mexico city to see what all my friends are talking about.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

............................................................................

w    h       y

okay. i would go around tasting a bunch of fucking. really fancy old wines. listen i dont really drink okay. but with a very fancy old wine i can go around with a like, glass and look really sophisticated and tell gay things to gay people. hello boys. so id find one that strategically i would like the most for the rest of my life and choose it. and if its expensive i can sell it.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

i would stick a bell in the middle of it and all of us have to go there at six o’clock and throw bread at each other and fuck.

29. What is your favorite expletive?

cunt. i dont really use it ever, but boy it can pack a punch! 

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

that means my trees because theyre living things? good. my phone. i need it to function. everything else i have on the clouds and i can just write on a napkin if i really need.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

:( 

i wanna say nothing because the good and the bad made me who i am and all that. and they’re learning experiences and healthy stuff. but some of my sisters abuse that has destroyed my psyche, literally just ruined my life, it would make things easier if that hadnt happened.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

WHAT I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS LIFE STOP TELL ME HOW I GET THERE

Okay i’m moving to... greece and i’m going to study ancient greek everything and live right on the edge of the sea where the water’s lapping the doorsteps. and im gonna learn greek by immersion

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

i am not surprised whatsoever death is a cool entity.

probably someone who died really sadly and too soon in my life (no one close to me thank god) but just as a service to society

34. What was your last dream about?

wolves with bombs were chasing me around a giant university. it was all part of the game. i was trying to protect some people... soldiers were chasing me... i was hiding under the floor... hiding from authorities and war are VERY common dreams for me

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

Writer? Yes. am i saying that to sound full of myself? no. i am fighting very hard to maintain some self-confidence. i have done some writing recently and i am proud as fuck of myself. i caught myself thinking, “now that was banging, i know that was banging.” and so i just admitted it to myself.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

nooooot reeeaaaalllyyyyyy. i went in an ambulance for my face swelling up! still dont know if i needed to. still think i was allergic to the person i was talking to at the time. seriously when i stopped talking to them the hives went away. they literally gave me hives sdjfnskjndsjknfkjsfnjskdnfdsjknfjknf

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

yes

38. What is the color of your socks?

they have inuyashas on them

39. What type of music do you like?

dark, longing, aching, angry, raw, disappointed, serious, low songs that get intense as fuck.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises for the concept, sunsets for the looks

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

you know what? i dont really like milkshakes. they dont feel good in my tummy even if it’s not my stomach having a fucking meltdown.

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

the fuck is football

43. Do you have any scars?

yes, most of them are from dermatillomania, two big cool-looking ones on my hands from touching a cookie sheet without an oven mitt and pouring microwaved coffee all over my thumb because literally every inch of the counter had a foot of dishes on it and i didn’t simply heat up the water normally because everything was dirty

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

i want to be a psychologist and an author

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

id like a dong please

46. Are you reliable?

yeeeeeesssssss...... but the adhd wins sometimes

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

future self: even if you’re in a worse off place than where i am right now, don’t regret anything, don’t beat yourself up. sometimes it’s realistic to have hope. you don’t have to be hard on yourself all the time just because it’s familiar and natural to you. so stop thinking “if i see a note from my past self ill be filled with rueful self awareness”

48. Do you hold grudges?

yes. i feel like im saving my soul a little and taking some power back when i am able to say “that hurt, that was wrong, and you don’t get access to me anymore, i don’t have to forgive you” it’s admitting that my own pain is real so i can listen to and protect myself. i wish i was more of a forgiving person but i spent too much time trying to forgive unorganically for the sake of being moral that i just can’t, can’t can’t now. it hurts so existentially and i deserve better. time for me to be mean and hold grudges. a little mean is okay.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

a DOG  CAT????????

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

“doesn’t having a human-shaped robot with smoke coming out of it in the corner of your shop scare you late at night?”

“yes, sometimes i see it and jump a little”

51. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i’m dedicated. getting my birth certificate back? oscar worthy

52. How long could you go without talking?

i live like this lmao

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

once upon a time i had bangs. and a bob cut

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

yes bitch

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

yes bitch i can do a convincing british accent but i don’t want to broadcast that fact because being british is cringe and plus my name is gordon and im already trans and interested in cooking and my greatest fear is that people think i am trying to become him when i am deeply offended when people assume i make personal decisions for anyone other than myself. no one has ever actually voiced this theory to me but it haunts me late at night. i can honestly probably do any accent if i listen to it for a little bit. i find it very easy to imitate sounds and like individual speaking styles to the point of stealing them even when i dont want to. like actually this is something that just comes to me easily i think.

56. What do you like on your toast?

fuck toast. i make a grill cheese. cheese and garlic.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

i tried digitally painting a generic girl who ended up looking really simliar to someone i went to school with only i made the eyes way too small and i would show you except it’s too much work

58. What would be you dream car?

vw bug with giant monster wheels, black with flames, big booming stereo. eyelashes in a drag way. ill run pickup trucks off the road

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

i sang in the shower back when i felt free to annoy everyone in the house. oH WAIT IT DOESNT ANNOY PEOPLE WHO ARE KIND TO ME

...........

they taught me i was annoying. ANYWAY. i am too shy to sing in the shower but id love to. i dont really do anything unusual except that i take really long in there but yknow im not actually doing what people think im doing when i take long. im literally just sitting there decomposing, head empty.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yes, of course, i have been telling everyone theres water under mars since day one and now look. now look

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

yes. im a sagittarius and clearly it is needed because CLEARLY theres no other fucking sagittariuses

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

G, because my name starts with that and i’m just great. really, i like... it has a chonk to it. like a reliable chonk to it

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

YKNOW WHAT? im going with dragons because of the fantasy, fire breathing and so on but yknow for my wip i was going to have both dragons and dinosaurs at a reptile like shelter

64. What do you think about babies?

i think they should be loved and nurtured, but they are too much work for me to want for myself at this point of life, and you should definitely read some manuals before having one if you can because people can and do mess this the fuck up

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

you didn’t ask anything here so im just going to tell you something. i am going to tell you that i have always been so hell bent on writing even when i hate it because sometimes when things are going well i feel like i am just so in another world and i feel like im doing something im really really supposed to do. it is such a euphoria and it has an effect on my whole aura. i really wish i had never made myself stop but we can’t change the past so i shall just have to never stop again.

THANKS HOOOOO

#chatty #notthecanadianaverage #bug

[lovewavesxx]

Love Waves - EP 1 - I Tried

Click here to read Love Waves - Introduction

“Since they decay so slowly, Love Waves are the most destructive. They are what most people feel directly.” 08-14-17 1:09PM xx.

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/ericajones10/playlist/578xr70RSiNTat98VyNGiy

Apple Music: https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/love-waves-ep-1-i-tried/idpl.u-55D6JjVCx9Xkmj

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwEZgDEorNRSaeQLydheC9AIVennrYqme

1. SZA – Supermodel

2. blackbear – idfc (Tarro Remix)

3. A$AP Rocky – L$D

4. Big Sean – Jump Out the Window

5. NJOMZA – poison

6. mansionz – A Million Miles

7. Lil Dicky - Molly (feat. Brendon Urie of Panic at the Disco)

8. MUNA – Winterbreak

9. The 1975 – Somebody Else

10. Colouring – About You

11. Bebe Rexha – I Got Time

12. G-Eazy – Tumblr Girls (feat. Christoph Anderson)

13. Chris Brown – Autumn Leaves (feat. Kendrick Lamar)

14. Logic – Nikki

15. Wiz Khalifa – Promises

16. Lorde – Liability (Reprise)

Please listen to the playlist the first time without the shuffle on. Read my explanation after listening to the playlist at least once.

Click here for my twitter @ericajones1010

Click here to leave a comment or say something idk :)

(Disclaimer: Not every playlist will go as in depth with explanation as this one.)

Next week’s playlist is very light and pretty much no thinking is involved. :)

I Tried says what it means. I tried. This being the first playlist of the Love Waves series I tried to make it effortlessly flow. Surprisingly, this playlist was really easy to make. Some of the playlists coming in the future weeks are proving to be more challenging.

Who knows maybe nobody will even listen to them or read this. That’s alright. This is for me. These playlists are an extension of the being that I am. I really missed doing radio and sharing music constantly, so I’ve decided to curate weekly playlists. From Me. To You, if you’re listening.

I can relate to the theme of I Tired. All of the songs in there are songs I am attached to in some level of depth. There’s a theme of dysfunctional love running through most of this playlist. I have cried to some of these songs. Certain people or memories run around my mind when these songs play.

Supermodel opens up I Tried to paint a picture of wanting someone to love you even when you can’t quite seem to love all of yourself. There are so many lyrics that I can’t just relate to. At the basis of this opening song I feel an insecurity in myself and the others who have rejected me. Rejection is hard in any form, but I think when someone says no to you as a person it feels like something is fundamentally wrong with you even when things just weren’t meant to be. Sometimes things seem to line up, but they actually just don’t in reality. This song feels like a push and pull of “I don’t want you, but I need you to stay,” and I can heavily relate to that feeling. I’m sooo indecisive when it comes to things I really care about. I had a friend this summer who kind of helped with that a little. Like, he would make me pick the place to eat or what to do. Something so small as that really helped me grow to not be as afraid of making decisions when someone else is with me. When I care about someone I just want to do what they want to do. What makes them happy will be more than okay with me. I think that kind of killed it for the last guy I really cared about, or still do care about I guess. When he can’t make up his mind and you can’t make up your mind and you just keep wanting the other to make a decision already, it can cause some frustrations. Anyways, this is a vulnerable song of, “Your wrongs and my wrongs aren’t making anything right.”

Click here to see the music video for Supermodel by SZA (right now it’s only on Apple Music sorry)

idfc the Tarro Remix is just a fantastic remix of a great blackbear song. The song explains its importance to the playlist so easily by essentially saying, “As long as you’re there I don’t fucking care. Good or bad it does not matter.” There’s a toxicity in that type of relationship.

L$D is in my top three favorite music videos of all time. There’s this magical connection between music, and lights, and colors that is absolutely unmatched. Those are three of my favorite things. The emotion in the song comes from the backing music I think. The dainty, yet trippy guitar part sets the song’s mood perfectly. A$AP Rocky’s use of the lyric, “I look for ways to say, “I love you” but I ain’t into makin’ love songs,” to me, is so simple and yet beautiful. To me, it’s this person who may not be great at expressing their emotions really making an effort for let the person they love know how they feel. Almost like it’s this struggle for them to communicate, but at the end of the day it’s just words.

Click here to see the music video for L$D by A$AP Rocky

Jump Out the Window expresses the fact of “we get along, we’re friends, there’s something here, we aren’t working to find out what it could be, you keep giving idiots your time, I’m giving other idiots my time, I’m always here for you, there’s something that you won’t leave alone, and I’m getting tired of this here and there behavior,” really well. Also, the music is pretty dope too.

poison by NJOMZA is a song I have cried listening to. The feeling of going in circles comes from the pianos in the back and is confirmed by the lyrics. This song came out in early April 2017. That was one of the roughest months I have had since I was in highschool my Junior year. Things are better now, but nothing can take back those thoughts and emotions that were dealt with by myself. Ya know, it’s crazy what the absence of someone you care about will do to you when you can see them doing fine without you. (Also, don’t watch 13 Reasons Why. Triggered.)

A Million Miles is my favorite song off of the mansionz album. mansionz has a very special place in my heart. Not to mention the lyrics are ace and the music production is absolutely amazing.

Molly. Lil Dicky does a great job of expressing the small things a person can do for or around you, that you observe even when they don’t know it’s something they’re doing. Like, the goofy little quirks a person has that makes them memorable. I’m replaceable, and I see that. You’re replaceable, and I see that too. It’s just a hard pill to swallow sometimes. I just don’t do well with goodbyes and endings. I never have.

Click here to see the music video for Molly by Lil Dicky feat.  Brendon Urie

Winterbreak by MUNA is a total song about the ups and downs between you and someone you just can’t quite let go of completely. Something about them keeps you around even when you try to stay at a distance. I first heard of MUNA when I saw them perform in NYC at the Gov. Ball Music Festival at the beginning of June 2017. I later saw them again in KC at the end of that same month. Hearing this song, swaying to this song, closing your eyes, and just being in the moment of this song being played live feels infinite until it hits you that it’s over. My mom really likes this song too. We jam in the car to it quite often. I actually got to hang out of a sunroof while blaring this song and my life felt like this detached/external music video that was fairly windy. The beginning of the chorus gets me everytime with the motion of the music and the lyrics.

Click here to see the music video for Winterbreak by MUNA

Somebody Else is written and performed by my favorite band The 1975. I have seen this song performed live at least three or four times. I saw The 1975 perform this song in both May 2017 and then June 2017 (when I went to Madison Square Garden), and each of those times was an emotional dance party of me singing my heart out. :) (Also, the lyrics, “I don’t want your body but I hate to think about you with somebody else. Our love has gone cold. You’re intertwining your soul with somebody else,” I mean come on, holy understandable. No, just me, oh okay. I’m loca I knowwww.)

Click here to see the music video for Somebody Else by The 1975

About You is performed by a group called Colouring. They are going to be huge one day. I’m calling it now. Their ability to make intelligent pop music is going to take them places. I first saw Colouring in May 2017 when they opened up for The 1975. Their stage presence is very welcoming and feels kind of heartwarming. They are just starting. I didn’t realise it until making a playlist with them that I had played one of their December 2016 releases in one of my radio shows. I got hooked on the song About You when I was in Victoria’s Secret one day in June 2017. I had a minor fan girl moment and quietly danced and sang to myself. Welcome to shopping with me..Oh yeah, back to the song. The repeated “I think about you, ‘bout you, ‘bout you” flows like a smooth stream of mellow EDM. That’s how I’d describe it anyways. The other lyrics are great too, just sayin’.

Click here to see a professionally recorded live performance video of About You by Colouring

I Got Time is a song about being selfish. I think we can all relate to that. I care a lot about some people, but even occasionally I feel the need to just do whatever the fuck I want. Bebe does a great job of capturing that with her lyrics and the music is prime driving around, windows down, dancing in my car, music. I be on my bad bitch vibes during this song haha.

Tumblr Girls. If you want to have a real discussion about what my head thinks and feels about this song you just hmu. This was one of the first songs I had ever heard from G-Eazy before I ever knew who he was. It’s in one of my SoundCloud playlists along with Let’s Get Lost. This was before I was really really into his music. Prior to subscribing to Apple Music in March 2016 I still bought CDs and that is expensive and very limiting in music selection. The lyrics are perfect in all of their chaos while describing the situation. The music is perfect and unlike anything I’ve really heard. The whole time it just feels kind of like waves are hitting you. They rise and fall and rise again and fall again. G will always have a corner reserved in my heart.

Click here to see the music video for Tumblr Girls by G-Eazy feat. Christoph Andersson

Autumn Leaves was actually introduced to me only a few days prior to this playlist’s conception. Grace and I had just gotten back from watching Logic perform in KC on August 12th. It was probably ten something at night. Grace has great taste in music. We had just parked the car, after talking about some life/relationship things, and I was preparing mentally for what was going to happen later. Then she said something like, “You’ll like this song.” We just sat there in the night with the headlights beaming on the blue apartment in front of us. She was right. I felt every bit of that song. The aggression in Kendrick’s voice. Then I knew fall was coming soon. I had that song on repeat for the last thirty minutes of my drive home Sunday and while I slept from essentially 5pm that night until 10pm something.

Click here to see the music video for Autumn Leaves by Chris Brown feat. Kendrick Lamar

Nikki is one of the very first Logic songs I was hooked on. If you haven’t noticed by now I get really attached to shit sometimes. The strings in the background mixed with whatever it is the rest of the music is made with is prime feels music. The whole time you think he’s talking about this girl he’s addicted to but at the end you find out it’s nicotine. He romanticised a substance–something that doesn’t actually talk. I can make the connection to somethings I can’t seem to get away from too and don’t truly want to get rid of I guess or else I would.

Click here to see an unofficial music video for Nikki by Logic

Promises comes right after Nikki because when I am driving around late at night this is always the order in which these songs are played. They just compliment each other so well. It’s just an Erica thing I suppose. Wiz’s Blacc Hollywood album has a special place in my heart too. I hadn’t heard it until probably late 2016 even though it was released in 2014. In NYC I was able to experience Wiz singing this song live. Now that, that was a moment with all of the lights, and colors, and smells, and bodies moving. My favorite lyric is, “And I already feel it now. It’s like you’re the only one. Only one who knows just how. How to make the time stand still. We’re caught in the moment. So don’t let me down.” I think there’s a sickeningly beautiful reliance he puts on another person in that song. Kind of like this vulnerability he’s willing to have with them. I know it can really hard for some people to open up or even just take in what another person is sharing with them. I’ve learned that. 

Click here to see the music video for Promises by Wiz Khalifa

Click here to see an unofficial music video for Promises by Wiz Khalifa

Liability (Reprise) is the ending song. On your own, I suggest you go listen to Liability by Lorde to fully understand the whole story. Sometimes, it is so easy for me to feel like a liability to others. When will you finally get sick of me? When will you have had enough? I don’t need your attention to live but I live better when I get it. That’s messed up, right? To place that dependence on another person, or even maybe people, who don’t consistently make an appearance. I’m 21, and I’m free, I should have no worries, I should not be focused on what I do not have, I should not need anyone to love me and be there for me without asking, and yet here we are. I still feel like a burden sometimes because of other’s actions or lack thereof, and I even know it’s not on purpose. I know nobody I’ve surrounded myself with would knowingly sets out to hurt me. If they did purposefully do so then that’s fucked up and on them and not me.  I would fight for them or be by their side through anything, but it never feels like they’d fight for me. My actions seem to go unmatched most times which can be really frustrating. I’m a liability. I’m a liability. I’m a liability. But I’m not. I am someone you want by your side for the simple reason I will not give up on you unless you break me so hard that I cannot come back. I was broken in April. I almost died. But you know, it’s August and I am a better version of myself for going through all of my lows. I got me through that. Granted, I had the understanding of my two closest friends. But I won. I learned to back off of the things I love because a flame can burn so strong, but if you start to smother it, it will eventually fade. I will fight for you as much as you fight for me now. I’ve learned not to love in complete abundance now. I love in pieces until the puzzle is complete, but I’m not going to force anything anymore.

Click here to watch a video of Lorde explain Liability

Click here to read the meaning of Liability (Reprise) by Lorde

Ohhhhkaaayyyy then. I hope you like the playlist! Let me know any or all thoughts you have about it or anything I guess.

p>

Click here for my twitter @ericajones1010

Click here to leave a comment or say something idk :)

Orrr you can just comment on this or just get a hold of me some other way k bye. <3

Love,

-E xx.

p.s. 

Shoutout Kayla and Adam for giving me their input with the artwork I created and for listening to the playlist when I first completed it. Your constant flow of mostly constructive (because we joke around so much) critiques and support of me seriously means more than anyone will ever understand. You both just get me. I love you both to the ends of the universe and back. <3 <3 

If you actually read all of this I genuinely want to know. Also, you da real MVP. xx. 

#music #music comp #playlist #love waves #love #love -e #xx. #sza #supermodel #blackbear #idfc #tarro remix #A$AP rocky #L$D #asap rocky #big sean #jump out the window #njomza #poison #mansionz #a million miles #lil dicky #molly #MUNA #winterbreak #the 1975 #somebody else #colouring #about you #bebe rexha

[ragingtony]

Wow it has been a MINUTE but hi I needed a place to express my emotions and feel like they were being shared, but sadly most of my friends aren’t capable of emotionally supporting me right now and I blame them and I also don’t because the pain I’ve felt these past few months have required a typhoon of attention and care that I thought they would be able to give me, but sadly haven’t. Leaving me to feel vacant inside and like I have infected wounds left to fester which is!!! Dramatic but honestly true?? I have a lot of physical pain in my body and I’ve been having LITERAL heart palpitations this week and it’s a chronic experience that I thought would have improved by now, you know? I thought I’d still be sad but I’d have some hope, but mmmm no I’m a black hole of a mess. All the love in my life seems to have teeth. None of it is giving me back what I need, and it isn’t their fault really. I haven’t been around, they haven’t been around. But something seems less helpful and cathartic about your friends helping and listening to you only AFTER you told them to. That doesn’t feel like real loving friendship at all!

And I love them? Right? But the last thing I want to do is watch my two friends, who are dating, be in love and gross in front of me, in my house while I literally feel abandon by everyone including them. Plus I don’t wanna be a bummer for them, but I feel like I’m a place holder for my one friend. Just to be there to make it more fun for her, so she can see me while she also has her boyfriend and I, again, am left to my own festering mind.

I’ve lost so much this year and today I lost two more friends and god, it just hurts. I’ve never been so sensitive in my life, I feel like drying concrete people keep painting in. My two friends said something nice about me the other day and I didn’t realize until then how low and awful I felt about myself. I forgot I was anything at all, and again going back to before, I’m so desperate for attention. A hand, a friend, a place. But I’m a consistent basis while I’m healing. And everyone is too busy and too distracted and I see their selfishness and am only reminded of my own in the first place. I haven’t had the chance to talk to anybody about how I’m feeling, and I’ve told lots of my friends directly I needed someone right now and they’ve consistently faded in and out. And I guess empathy and compassion are more complex and difficult than you’d think. It seems an obvious and easy emotion to tap into when you’re exposed, but when life is going well for you nothing is more contenting then turning away I feel.

And I’ve been criticized by my friends lately when I asked them for compassion that I don’t show my pain enough so they don’t think I need checking in on? And I get that, but they’re aware I’m in pain? And one was in my immediate space for a month and never asked me how I was or if I needed to talk. I’m again, unsure if she’s selfish or if I’m asking too much of her. And it’s probably both. But I can’t stand not being communicated with, especially now when I have so much I want to say and share all the time but no one wants to hear and receive it. I’m not sure what to do when I see her next, today she hit me deep again and made me want to scream all over again. She reminds me of a man, the way she gives so little of her emotions. How little she thinks of how her actions will affect others. She reminds me of me hoenstly and it’s probably why it’s so sickening.

And I feel like I just keep getting met with unkindness in my most tender moments and i become an ugly mess to the world and then people think I’m nothing when really I just need a fricken hug and a pep talk, but like twice a day

My two closest friends are in relationships that hurt me to see and I hate being that friend. But I don’t really believe in either of their relationships and especially think one of them is wasting her time with a guy she doesn’t make sense with. And she’s said out loud she knows it doesn’t make sense, but like me, she’sld rather stay in a relationship that satisfies the senses rather than go through pain of letting go and finding a better one. But god she hurt me in choosing him all the time and not even wondering how I might feel. We’re new friends as well, but I’m aware of her, is it wrong to expect her to be as aware of me? When living in the same house?

Like I’m not talking about just crying and feeling bad. I mean I’ve dropped to the ground sobbing on a public bathroom floor holding my chest so tightly because I felt so much. I’ve sobbed on trains and sidewalks and parks. Homeless people have come up to me and asked what’s wrong, my parents are like afraid of me because they think I’m a depression volcano. I write and think and write and think and it’s not helping. It’s an exhaustion I can’t sleep off, I can’t run from it, it’s like a fucking phantom. And the lonliness feels like a shadow that creeps up behind me and taps me on the shoulder when I walk home from the movies alone and go back to an empty apartment, or when I have food left on my plate and no one to share it with or when i want a second opinion or a new idea and WOW I get why people are driven to hurting themselves. The pain is so deep and so chronic and no one am reach you and no one tries and they mistake you’re sadness as being tired and it’s just a well of cold nothing forever and ever.

I think my last love ruined my life, in its current state anyways. The sadness I feel has infected every part of my life and made me someone no one wants to be around, because again, I’m dying for attention. I’m even writing thsi for attention! This is literally last resort material guys, tumblr. Like is it 2013? Come on. But I’m 100% in love with last boi, and he hasn’t spoken to me in months. I reached out to him last with a really vulnerable letter and he never responded. And he’s not a garbage boi ok, he’s wonderful and gentle and kind and forgiving and so fucking smart and a wonderful feminist and was so loving and um! I literally have never met anyone worth so much. Yesterday at Christmas my uncles who met him asked where he was and then said how impressed they were with him and I was like ! I know! He put the fucking sun in the sky! And he literally just called me one day and was like hey I don’t wanna days anymore bye. And I don’t think he was sad at all, not like I was. I take everyone in my life so SERIOUSLY like I’m so fucking intense all the time and it’s killing me now. Like he probably cried once and then went and played guitar and never thought of me again except to be like “lol hope she’s good tho”

And I know you’re thinking “um he doesn’t sound like he put the sun in the sky” but no no, he did. His only fault is that he doesn’t know how to communicate.

It’s crazy how you’re subconscious knows a relationship is failing before you know. I used to cry all the time and feel so lonely because I know he didn’t love me as much anymore. I felt him pull away and get bored of me and I got bored of me too and I got so stuck. I get it, I try to make one person my whole world and happiness and that’s toxic and I gotta work on that. I knowwww what went wrong and Part of me has days where i wannnnt him to be happy but! He LITERALLY hasn’t responded to me? After a whole year of being in love? And it wasn’t like oh we dated cool, nono, we were each other’s everything. Like we couldn’t get enough and he was the absolute best boyfriend ever and did everything he could for me and we were best friends and had so much fun. And we TRIED to be friends after this but I felt like he had no idea how much this destroyed me? So I tried to tell him and he said nothing. What do I do with that? He was the essence of light and life and now all I have is people around me who can’t be bothered.

When people go through a huge break up they deserve to lay on their friends bed and tell them about it and cry and feel comforted. And have their friends just be there, but! I feel like I’ve spent two months in a freezer.

I also lost my best friend of 4 year this year, and my boyfriend abandoned me like a week after and I’ve lost my two most intimate relationships at once and thought I had good friends to back me up?? So I’ve literally spoke to no one the amount I’ve needed and had them give me perspective and love and so YEAH I feel 1000 abandon and YES if you were WONDERING I already had abandonment issues form my parents so this is a cute common familiar thing that I feel like will take 16 years of therapy to get out of but it’s fine bc I’ll never find love like I had before again ok so I guess 2017 was the Golden year I have to go die now

Also astrology ruined my life? I think confirmation bias is so real and I looked for all the flaws in people and had them validated instead of seeing them as whole people and i made them people they weren’t. I also boxed myself in and limited my own abilities to forgive and grown bc the FUCKING INTERNET SAID Taurus’s weren’t like that, and honestly in the two weeks I’ve tried to break that mentality and have told myself I CAN be energetic and forgiving in my own way has made me feel 1000 times better because before I just accepted that it wasn’t possible. And I made my last love believe we couldn’t be compatible and I just kept everything about astrology in the back of my head and let it be true instead of actually LISTENING to people, like??? I met ppl while traveling and got anxious bc I was like omg what if they’re a sag and then I’m like, I’m enjoying them right now why does it matter? It’s ruinnnned me.

Anyways everything just keep going wrong. Don’t even get me started on my job situation, I haven’t even thought about it. I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to do anything. I’m cold and hate winter and darkness and god my roommate can be so abrasive and cold and it makes it all feel lonely and impossible. I haven’t believed a good thing about myself in so long I feel like the ugliest person literally ever? And I TELL my friends I’m sad and they don’t even acknowledge my words? And obviously they don’t see the gravity bc they aren’t with me but AH I NEED ATTENTION TO FEEL VALIDATED right now, like people deserve those things right? And YES I do have a therepist if you’re wondering but she got married and the thanksgiving and then I traveled Europe forever and now it’s Christmas and ????

Im also sitting in an airport writing all this and I sobbed in the bathroom for a hot sec and my brother made fun of me and I’ve put a lot of energy into my friends ok? I got one a REALLY nice Christmas gift and i took another one to Iceland and I don’t hold those against them they don’t owe me in that sense. But I thought of them so much and all I want is for them to be aware of me and help me ???? Like idk, FRIENDS DO. And

Don’t think I can just get new friends. Like no way. Impossible. Adults can’t just MAKE FRIENDS

I also don’t wanna get married and have kids I think and idk if I mean that but wow I just want to sit down with my last love and scream cry until we feel better aka until he loves me again. Like I loooovvvvvve him, I’d never loved anyone I dated before. I was so proud of him and adored him and loved how he treated everyone he met and how interesting he is and how we could discuss anything and say anything and !!!!! I learned so much from him and uh hi I wasn’t DONE so if anyone knows him let him know I’m dying kk

Thanks 4 coming to my podcast!

[survivorpanem]

EPISODE TWELVE - “I CAN’T COMPENSATE FOR STUPID PEOPLE“ - JAKE

Okay, oh my god. Oh my god. I cannot believe I just survived that vote I'm so glad omfg. I flipped someone who flipped on me I'm SCREAMIng. Idk what you call that but I call it ICONIC. I pulled out ALLLL the receipts to Sam trying to show her why she couldn't trust Isaac and Andrew and why I was the best person to keep. Truthfully, I don't know who would've been her best option to keep, but I needed her to think it was me. So yeah, that was successful, tru. I couldn't flip Isaac like I wanted to, but idk I mean it's probably better that way because it gives me a reason to vote for him and for him to vote for me if I make it to the end. So like I think I have a plan to make it to at least f4. I'm playing my idol this week. Sorry but the blind week is just not working for me, sorry not sorry! I'm gonna use my vote negator on Isaac, and have Sam use her extra vote on Isaac, and have Sam and I vote Isaac. Then have Zack and Sam B vote jakey. That way the vote will be split 3-2-1. If Isaac plays an idol then Jakey goes. If he doesn't have an idol boom he's gone. And I'd tell Isaac I'm voting jakey and Jakey I'm voting Isaac that way at the end of the vote, either way it falls I could tell them I told the truth lmao. I'm playing my idol because in the long run I can't really trust anyone completely like I did that round, I mean Sam flipped when I never expected her to. So like if Isaac plays an idol on himself or wins immunity and Sam and I vote him and like Sam B flips on us and votes with like jakey to take out me the vote would be 2-1 and I'd go home! And a bad, disgusting, but possible even if unlikely scenario would be if Isaac/Jakey won immunity and the other played an idol on themselves. Or who knows they could have stuff from the cornucopia???? Okay so then, at f5 it'd hopefully be Zack, the Sam's, Jakey and myself. I truly do not think Jakey has an idol, I'd be shook if he did when like he was barely online. So like my plan would be for all of us to simply just vote Jakey. That brings me to f4, where I could at least hopefully go to firemaking, but I believe everyone in this f6 is better than me at comps, except maybe Isaac? But I think Isaac needs to go next for sure. Ugh. But yeah I mean that always leaves a possibility for people to vote me out at f5, and there's always the possibility of an idol... I'm gonna try to think about the likelihood of people voting me during this blind round, with all the risks involved. But I think it's a huge risk in itself to not just be safe and play the idol on myself, especially after the heart attack I got from this last tribal. SPEAKING OF THE FUCKING HEART ATTACK ZACKS FUCKING ASSHOLE SELF GAVE ME A PANIC ATTACK!!! He messages me right when tribal council is starting and is like "I'm so sorry" BITCH?? I was like omg what did you vote me and he's like yes I'm sorry but Andrew gave me a better offer you're more of a threat I'm so sorry I didn't wanna tell you on call (Sam B and I had added him to our call after I convinced her to reflip). And I freaked tf out! I was like wtf omg I couldn't even type my hands were S H A K I N G and I couldn't breathe and my heart beat so fast yo it was so bad like omg how fuckin lame is that how gross! And like I couldn't even curse him out in the main chat properly LMAO. Like I'm dyin Zack is so annoying omg lmfaooo oooh he had me fucked up! I think the best person to sit next to come f2 (I'm basically just certain it's gonna be a f2 now which is so ugly bc it decreases my chances so much) would be Sam B just because of how she flip flopped on this vote. Like she was a way bigger threat before the vote but now idk. I feel like Andrew and Isaac would be scorned jurors but eh who knows ugh. I hope the upcoming immunity challenges will be luckier for me despite zacks wild ass comp abilities omg. Ugh I just hope all their threatening competition winning asses take me to the end ugh. But I am glad that I'm at this point in the game with a cast that I love..and zack. JK ZACK ILY HNG. But yeah

Okay I'm pretty sure tribal is in an hour and nobody has talked to me at all. Guess I'm leaving tonight. That's what I get for being a flop ass bitch and flipping and then flipping again on the revote. It's been fun panem.

welp... i guess isaac is stupid as fuck? lksjdgdlfkjh srsly WHO are my ALLIES... HELP!!!! these ppl suck god even worse than i do. so my plan for this round is get sam b and isaac BACK TOGETHER god... and then flip zack to vote out sam g... which i kinda set up last round when i told zack that i'd vote with isaac to get his trust. im still playing zack and i dont wanna go to the end with him but i dont wanna go to the end with sam g or jc either so like... an ideal f3 would be me sam b and isaac. lmao. everyone sucks idk why sam b voted andrew out like god these people are stupid. idk i dont think ill win immunity since its like luck. but christine goddess got me an immunity advantage so thats nicee. im not telling anyone about that shit! it's a blind round which is fun!!!

Okay so I have a little idea brewing in my witch pot brain....what if I go around this week "confiding" in people that I have the idol. Like, I'll start with Sam G and then move to Zack and maybe tell Sam B and maybe even Isaac. I want to tell them because I'm going to be playing my idol this round almost without question...but since it's a blind week none of them will know that I'm playing it! Then come f5 hopefully the remaining people are Zack, the Sam's and Jakey, and all of them would still think I have an idol that I'd most likely be playing on myself, which means none of them would flip on me. As for jakey, I wouldn't tell him I have the idol but hopefully Isaac would've told him after I told Isaac which would make things even more believable if it's coming from another source, so jakey might not even vote me. Idk I think that no matter what people are going to vote me anyway, so there's no harm in adding a possible larger target on my back with this idol if it also has the possibility of protecting me. Not only that but if I confide in people, who knows they might have an idol and confide in me too! Also, I'm going to tell Isaac his best chances of survival would be to vote Jakey. Because if I negate his or jakeys vote and we split it 3-2 that means if Isaac has a vote, he could vote jakey and tie it 3-3. Or, he could be dumb and throw his vote away to someone else. And who knows, on the revote we might keep Isaac, if he stayed loyal maybe it'd be smart to keep him especially because he's not as good at competitions unlike jakey, and it relieves the threat of such a goat (baa) like Jakey. But at the same time he's very good with his words and shit so at f5 he might be able to conjure up some magic to cause drama and flip a vote idk. But I could always keep on persisting saying if Isaac does make it to FTC he deserves to win because we let him make it there when we had majority. This is gonna be an INTERESTING week, know that!

Later...

Okay so I've been strategizing and thinking, and like that whole idea of revealing I had the idol and whatnot and like I don't think it's worth it seeing as it gets revealed that an idol gets played...but idk maybe it's worth it? I don't knowwww. I could always tell them I'm playing the idol tonight, discourage them from flipping on me, but then they'd be like tf why you playing an idol? I might just be a crazy bitch and risk not playing my idol again LMFAO. That'd be so wild. But I think if someone else plays an idol I most definitely would. Yo I wish I had a map of the arena for every bitch left in the arena because after last round I learned you can't trust no bitch! Ugh but like I feel like things will be so much easier if I can just wait til next week to play my idol, what are the chances bitches are gonna flip on me again /right/ after flipping on me last week. Like you'd think they'd have the courtesy to at least wait til the next round, right?? Right????? Probably not. This is allstars after all. Ugh. I need to think of who I want to play my map of the arena on, like who would be the smartest person??? These are the pressing questions.

Later...

Sam G has a map of the arena? INTERESTING. Immediate reaction I'm so happy because this is going to clear up soooo much paranoia. But I am a bit confused because I thought that only one map could be purchased per round, so it wouldn't make sense that she got a map this round because I have the map this round!!! Omfg now Sam B approached me about voting out Sam G, I'm SCREECHING. Like the level of shook I am rn is 10/10. I think it'd probably be smart to take out Sam G since I might be seen as her sidekick or something, but I don't think it'd be smart to do it this round. And not only that but if I did make it to f2 with Sam I feel like I could showcase how I wasn't just second in command but made moves and decisions that she didn't necessarily want like the a Brian and Liana votes. And I got the idol from her clue. Yeah I do think this round it's smartest to vote out jakey, then next round could be either of the Sam's or Isaac. If I can keep my idol until next round like its seeming possible to, then I don't even necessarily have to worry about who comes into f4. Except I do have to worry in that I don't want my ass heading into a firemaking challenge!! I've said it before and I'll say it again, everyone else left in the game is a bigger challenge threat than I am so like?? Fuck. But I think if Sam G comes in to f4 with me they'd be more likely to vote her out over me which is better for me hng. Let's say jakey does leave this round (fingers crossed bih), then  who would I want with me in the f4? I feel like my best case scenario would be the Sam's and Zack, because the Sam's may vote each other and Zack may vote with me hopefully. If Sam G goes home this week, that'd leave an opening for either Sam or Zack to flip with Isaac and jakey, and even though I'd have my idol to protect myself for f5 and take one of them out, I'd still have to worry about f4 and fighting another in a fire making challenge. Idk this is all totally assuming Zack wins like every single immunity too like I'm expecting him to. LIKE ZACK IS AN IMMUNITY QUEEN, GODDDD. But nah damn my girl Sam B is trying real hard to put a move on her jury resume. She's really worried about getting second place again, and I feel her, I don't wanna be last juror again, and I especially don't want to lose this season after everything, so I get her dilemma. But I have to do what's the very best for my game, and I think that's voting out jakey. THATS JUST MY OPINIONNNN (insert that's just my opinion gif). But yeah I gotta keep my eye on Sam B 👀

Whew I almost forgot to do a confessional because I had the sappiest dumb confessional ever but I decided not to send it and thought I did. So anyways here's my confessional... I can't believe it tied because Isaac couldn't make up his mind. I feel really bad about Andrew but the more I think about it the more I shouldn't care. He never really talked to me at all about this game until his ass was on the line and then when I tried to help him he still threw his vote to me when it could have gone to someone else in case Jaiden played an idol. So this vote is the last vote to play anything I'm pretty sure so IF THERE IS AN IDOL it'll probably be played tonight. I'm playing my extra vote and my second map of the arena (I love my sponsors honestly <3) and Jaiden is playing his vote negator. If the two of us vote together the worst thing that'll happen is that we tie and have to vote again. Hopefully everyone's telling the truth but I don't know this whole merge has just felt too easy. I know there have been a few snags but I don't know something about getting here has felt too easy and I'm too calm so I feel like I'm about to get blindsided tonight. I really wanna make it past tonight though because then I'll beat my Atlantis placement!!

I am soooo torn. Once again. Okay so I am in a 4 person alliance with Jc, Zack, and Sam G. On the other side, I have a final 2 with both Jakey and Isaac. I want Sam G out. But nobody on her side wants to go after her. And there are no numbers without them. That alliance wants to split the vote tonight with 2 on Jakey and 2 on Isaac. What they don't know is that Jakey is playing his idol so his votes will be cancelled. Isaac and Jakey are voting out Sam G, but Jc is using his vote negator on Isaac so it'll just be 1 vote for her. So left we have 3 votes: mine, jakey's and jc's (because jc is voting isaac and zack and sam g are voting jakey which will be cancelled with his idol). Confusing, I know. So Jc and I are supposed to vote out Isaac, and Jakey is voting for Sam G. However I have the opportunity to flip (again) and vote out Sam G. This is what I want. But I am sooo worried about Jc and Zack finding out. Idk how the blind tribal will go, if they will announce that Jc is cancelling a vote or if Jakey is playing an idol. I feel a lot more stress than I did the last blind tribal, that allowed my target to leave and let me keep playing the middle. But this one is definitely going to hurt that. My dream scenario would be Sam G leaving and nobody knowing I flipped and then I have the option to choose between Jc and Zack or Isaac and Jakey. I am praying for this next immunity. If I don't leave tonight (you never know in games like this). I wish I had an idol, or even better a super idol. But I'm just trying to really rely on my social game and my gut at this point. I hope it all works out. And I'm also worried about a vote sneak of my vote just because I did flip last week so I seem untrustworthy, which is why I am going to wait until 3 minutes before votes are due to submit, just so nobody has time to switch their votes to me, if they haven't already done so. Yikes I am nervous whew.

stupid #1 - isaac do i even have to explain like Why did he vote for sam b when she was literally flipping to us ?? i'm like... i can't even process this bc how can i play a game with people like him like it's impossible i can't compensate for stupid people stupid #2 - sam b oh god this girl is a mess. i cant believe she voted out andrew just bc she was mad at isaac or whatever. like yeah he's fucking stupid but u just ruined your own game?? she can't beat jc sam or zack so idk what the fuck her goal is. she's also fucking stupid and if i wasn't drunk i might have knocked some sense into her stupid #3 - zack taking immunity from me even tho he didn't need it and painting a huge target on his back for no reason and fucking over a tight alliance he had with me... it's like do these people even know what survivor is??? how did u pick this "all stars" cast honestly kass voice id like to see that data stupid #4 - sam b honestly who is this bc she never talks to me and i try so hard to start a convo with her and she's just so boring god. apparently her own alliance wants to vote her out so what's her deal??? stupid #5 - Jc he's the least stupid bc honestly i think he's playing the best game out of everyone so i hope he wins if i can't at this point. but i'm not giving him too much credit bc he's only here bc certain individuals are literally STUPID and that is all

Later...

i think im going this round! bc zack is an idiot lmaoooo but whatever cant wait to vote for JC to win!!! lol this game is so boring and literally they all suck. im playing on idol paranoia and the fact that i have finals all of this week and have no time to play immunity but yeah it doesnt look good. Yikes.

UGH IM SO #PARANOID WHY DO I KEEP HAVING THE IDEA OF NOT PLAYING MY IDOL WHATS WRONG WITH ME I SHOULD JUST PLAY IT BEFORE MY ASS GETS CHOPPED FUCK

My favorite thing is how Jc and Sam G have convinced Zack that he has a chance of winning. He hasn't done anything this whole game besides been Jc's lapdog and win immunities like bye.  So this round the other side is splitting it's votes against me and Jakey and expect us to vote against each other so the expect the vote should be like 3-3 but Jc is negating my vote apparently so it's 3-2 but me and Jakey are voting Sam G so it's more 2-2-1 and Sam B isn't voting me and is voting Sam G so it should be 2-2-1 but Jakey also has the idol? So it should be 2-1 with Sam G going home hopefully. I don't want to give up playing this game I've worked too hard for too long to give up. This confessional is really choppy and is bouncing from one topic to another, sorry. I don't understand why Jc wants to keep Sam G when she's literally going to win if she gets to the end. The bitch had a successful idol play. Like?

I'm so sick and just want to go to bed but these fucking bitches had to pick tonight of all nights to try to blindside me. Now I gotta do work

hieeeee! SO. its revote time and i know what i'm doing! but anyways.. i still have my idol and if i use it on me next round im guaranteed 5th place (i think?) so hi WIG! let me go revote now.. this has been a long ass round.

If I'm gunna go I'm going out swinging! I've always tried to stay nice and polite while people are voting me out just in case I can flip but obviously these people are fucking dumbasses and I hope my favorite player ever JC slits all their throats and gets to the end

Later...

ifvdjskd so apparently Isaac and Sam B locked in their votes for me and Zack already said he'd go to rocks so like if JC doesn't go to rocks for me I'm gunna be so mad because I would go for them! If Zack is willing to go to rocks for me and JC isn't Zack 100% has my vote in the finals if he's there even if he's against JC omg JC BETTER DO THIS FOR ME

#touchofrebellion