#like have I been pretty miserable here

[grassbreads]

I'm gonna have to really tighten up my budget soon (the student loan pause is ending 😔), so I decided to give myself one big manga buying last hurrah before I sit down with the finance spreadsheet. I also, for unrelated reasons, ordered a couple volumes of manga, a webcomic printing, and a book earlier this week.

I have more packages coming in the next month than I've had at literally any other point in my lifetime. It's Hanukkah in August for Andromeda.

#I'm usually. uh. kind of a miser #Even the past few months. as I've been celebrating having a good job and disposable income for the first time #I'm still pretty careful about what I spend money on #but I've ordered eleven packages in the past week #10 of which are a book or manga of some kind #used book sites you are my very best friends #I got 5 things today for like 45 dollars total #and a large chunk of that was one specific expensive thing #we're cutting down the book budget from here out #but damn I'm excited #I read a LOT of manga digitally for obvious convenience and price reasons #can't beat the low low price of 🏴‍☠️ #but there's something so special about being able to curl up w a physical copy of something I love #I had like no physical case study volumes for a long time #so it's good to remedy that #invasion of the frogs #I promise I'm not bragging I'm just very very excited about this

[thesmokinpossum]

my ex best friend always openly admired my capacity to move on from a show the minute it got shitty or otherwise annoying and looking back it should have been foreshadowing LMAO

#i'm so sorry #i had a couple of beers and i'm being petty as hell #tbh she still lives rent free in my head so whos truly winning here tbh? #i mean this was an extremely important relationship for me for most of my 20's so i think i'm allowed to take some time to be over it tbh #and i also think that accepting that it's over means accepting that a huge part of my life #once again my 20's (my 'youth' if you will -i'm still young i know that but you know what i mean-) #is truly truly over #and it's hard #but honestly i've been rereading old personal diaries and jesus fucking christ the way we've always been toxic like woooow #we had those high highs and those miserably low lows like this shit was crazy smdh #not even just blaming her because i was also needy AND avoidant at the same time which is an annoying ass mix #anyway what was it that john waters' dad said after seeing pink flamingo? #'That was pretty funny! I hope I never have to see it again! :)' #yeah that about sum it up at this point lol

[general-du-vallon]

I like the episode where porthos finds his father. Sort of. Aramis going off to be romantic hero to the girls used to annoy me but I quite liked it this time. He's always off after the next something. Treville being all stubborn i used to think was wrong but actually, maybe he was right, maybe Porthos did have to find out things for himself, and treville letting him go off and be angry I guess?

The scene where porthos asks treville if he kidnapped him and his mum and hen treville says yes, and doesn't get it all straight because him and porthos are twisted about in belgard's lies is interesting. Treville can't just out and say it cus anything he says gets twisted up and incorrected. But then he asks porthos to trust him and porthos makes a tiny noise of distress and look like he's crying it is super sad. Then he storms off and crashes the door good for him.

It's funny. Aramis is angry at once, then off he goes after the women, crashing into the house. d'Artagnan manages like ten minutes in the room before the auction before he is begging to murder someone. Athos is slow, he takes his time over things and gathers facts, but he gets mad too, and he's persistant, always asking treville about porthos. And then he's the one who at the end cuts through all the bullshit 'is porthos in danger?' and off they go to the rescue. Nice.

Aramis and Porthos shoud've got some more nice scenes in. The beggining is so nice for them and then they barely see each other till their little thing at the end over the uniform. Porthos's 'It's bigger than yours' to athos is hilarious tho. like, is he making a dick joke? I think he's making a dick joke, but that could just be the poeple I hang around with.

#musketeers '24 rewatch #I have no one to subject to my thoughts so here they are for the void #I liked Constance in this episode but idk. a misture of her being framed as not in the right for greiving her husband #not wrong per se but like. it is framed as her holding up her own happiness rather than. you know. he's been unkind to her and kept her #trapped for years in this miserable little house #and he hit her but that's not really the problem. i mean dont hit her obv but like. he was dragging her home and forbidding her from things #and 'i only let you come here to win me favour' and the first ever episode he apologises for her talking. he's not good to her. #and then he died right after she decided to leave him! that all is complicated. Give her time #lemay is very sweet. i like the way he says she can rely on it or smth after constance turns him down. and i do like when she says to dart #'i'm not finished' when he tries to interupt. #she's so pretty when she rushes happily throught he palace. and when she comes crashing in on rochefort and the queen

[arabian-batboy]

You guys I think it’s finally happening, I think I finally lost all interests in DC/Damian lol

#it been 7 long years but I finally did it #I don't know why it happened today #new things dropped and as usual I had my issues with them #but then I realized that nothing will change no matter how much I complain #everything I like about Talia and Damian have been stripped away and replaced with wore version #worse version** #but it's me and 4 other people who think like that because everyone else either don't care anymore or are new fans who don't know better #so......why bother anymore lol? #I'm just making myself miserable staying here and going (THE NEXT WRITER WILL FIX THINGS!!!) #and only for the next writer to in fact NOT fix this #basically I'm tired of gas-lighting myself into believing my ideal version of the characters will appear one day #and it's not like the things I'm asking for are crazy weird concept or anything #I'm literally just asking for previous fan-favorite concept to return #so now I need to accept that the real Talia and the real Damian are dead forever and we only see glimpses of them here and there #gonna still pirate their comics and like/reblog pretty fanart but that's about it #everyone else enjoy the racist-incarnation of the most evil/untrustworthy brown woman in the world and her ugly weak dumb whitey-white son #I'm done

[toastsnaffler]

I'm kinda tired and don't rly want to do anything else today.. but it's a few hours too early for me to sleep yet so. hmm

#maybe ill go for a short walk or smth #i dont want to play any more videogames. or watch anything or read or draw. and im pretty much out of chores to do #and my bag is packed for work tomorrow + outfit laid out.. im just killing time #i started watching carol & the end of the world earlier but it made me so sad bc I would probably be the same in that situation idk #i dont have any ambitions or aspirations im just trying to get from day to day. if the world was ending id stay home + watch it alone too #theres no fullest to live my life to ive never been able to believe in any greater meaning or purpose im just Here and someday I Won't Be #and sometimes i see other ppl living their lives and well. its not like im missing smth its more like i just never had it to begin with #this sounds so miserable i dont mean it like that lmaooo more in a neutral way #but seeing that in someone else even a fictional character just struck a chord ough #anyway.. maybe ill just put some music on and zone out #.diaries

[girlscience]

making funny haha jokes to myself like "oh i'm doing so fine" *extreme side eye from the dishes in my sink*..... only to finally do my dishes tonight and discover all my tupperware have become their own microbiomes. fuck

#i am pretty sure i am riding that depression wave hard right now #i am just so stressed all the time #and i feel like i could fix some of that stress if i checked a few very specific things off my to do list #here's the thing tho. i am realizing i might need outside help to get those things done #and that is uncomfortable for two reasons #one being that means i will have to ask someone to help me do these things and be my external motivator #and put up with me being cranky the whole time because i will be deeply embarrassed about it and will end up taking it out on them #and then two being that. these things are for grad school. and if i can't even get the fucking applications done on my own #how the fuck do i think i'm going to be able to get through two years by myself?? #also i am so sleepy and my sleep schedule has been fucked for like two weeks now and that's not helping #and i need to do things to my car and make several doctors appointments and work stuff and apartment stuff #and everything happening in the world and stuff happening with my friends and my family #and i just. how i am supposed to live with this much in my brain all the time #and i'm reading fanfic and comparing myself to the characters and coming up miserably short #and i hate the way i look all the time and i could do something intelligent like. #stop eating gummy worms and meat sticks for every meal and eat veggies and go to the gym and learn to love myself... #or i could decide my straight hair is the root of all my problems and get a perm #you know. like a normal person does #it's OK!! I'm Fine!!! aaaaaaaaaa

[timelord-of-the-moon]

I hate living in the middle of nowhere, multiple neighbors have gotten roosters that crow all the fucking time

#okay so there has been one across the street for a few years now and i hear it in the afternoon when i walk out to get the mail #but back in September the neighbors right outside my bedroom door got a roster and i hear it from my room almost all day #now its going in the middle of the night #heard it at 3am last night #ive always hated living in the middle of nowhwre but now its almost unbearable #if the wasps come back as bad as they were a few years ago then i think i might just have to move out i cant take it #like tbh this does not feel like home to me im so lonely i cant sleep well with the fucking roster we are 30 min away from EVERYTHING #and in the spring the wasps will probably be back because there were tons outside back in October #why does my family insist that this is home and i need to be here? im pretty miserable

[pepprs]

hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol

#purrs #delete later #not to liveblog and be tmi or whatever but i feel terribly alone and terribly miserable so this is in fact a cry for help lol. or really #comfort bc im fucking going insane. so for context last spring when i was still an intern another intern orchestrated this back channel #where everyone was supposed to talk shit about our supervisors (my dearest most belovedest mentors) and all of us hid it for months and it #all came to a head at asb 2022 because there was a lot of drama witb the asb student facilitators and our staff team. and it was sooooo ugly #and messy and horrible and probably played a direct role in one of my dearest beloved est mentors (who was the point person for asb) fucking #getting a new job and abandoning us in july lol 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 and so i became a full time staff member and me and my remaining dearest belovedest #colleague besties fucking carried the world on oh r shoulders and put on amazing programs as just 3 of us in the core staff and we thought w #we were doing a really good job with the asb 2023 leaders and that there were no drama dynamics or whatever and guess fucking what. tonight #we found out that half of them hate us for reasons we still don’t know and all of them are at each others throats and also some of the #participants feel a type of way about us. and i know i am being a fragile sensitive crybaby over it but i have had terrible cramps all day a #and have barely slept since ive been here and feel like ive been bending over backwards to support the leaders only to find out that half of #them think we’re evil and i just… i couldn’t take it. so i cried and now im beating myself up for crying. but it’s like come ON. i know we #did a pretty imperfect job of preparing them for this. and i should just take responsibility for that and not be defensive. but it’s like… i #have NEVER seen this program in person before or been part of the planning of it. i was just a student last year like all of you. and also #HOW many fucking times did we create space for you to talk to us and invite us in. and still this shit happened. and i just feel like a #failure. and i couldn’t react to that information in any way except cry liek it’s all so over my head and out of my depth and im not as #emotionally mature as my colleagues bc im the youngest and this is my first time dealing with this and i feel so incompetent and like i #failed. failed the first time by not speaking up when i was implicated in the stupid fucking Google form back channel situation last year #and now failed the second time by not being able to prevent this stupid drama bullshit from happening again and for not catching it. and jfs #like… im in excruciating physical pain and haven’t slept and haven’t eaten well and my life is falling apart and we were ABANDONED BY THE #PERSON WHO WAS RESPONDIBLE FOR THIS (i know we weren’t abandoned she literally just got a new job i just have psychological issues) and #we’ve been running at a million miles per hour with absolutely no break and now you’re mad at us and not even telling us and it’s impacting #everyone’s experiences but you want to pretend this is fucking high school and keep secrets. i am TIRED of drama. i am TIRED of this stupid #bullshit. and not to say this bc i don’t know if asb 2022 drama factored into her decision to leave but if it did i get why * left now. i #get it. bc this shit makes me want to jump out the hotel window. i do not want to face any of them tomorrow and deal with more bullshit. i #am emotionally unstable and incompetent and not equipped to deal with this in a mature healthy way. i want this to be over NOW. im done. #ok i think that’s it um. sorry about that i just needed other people to know i am suffering and i will suppress the shame i feel about that #just this once. esp bc i denied myself the opportunity for my colleague besties to comfort me while i was crying and i regret it now lol

[fooltofancy]

hate that the only peace i have lately comes from thinking about someday moving back to work in the job that i left to move out here.

#whats that like #it's the realization that it wasnt the job making you miserable but apparently everything else #so now ive left the job and now ive just kinda got the misery #idk i feel so in a stupid little box that people who care about me kind of throw food into sometimes and that isnt fair of me #but it also doesnt change the fact that im miserable and im miserable because none of the space i inhabit is mine #traumatizing myself by looking at rentals in vermillion for no fucking reason #i know it's bad because i have been very briefly and with great stress considering montana #but nothing is changing or going to change where i am and this is not sustainable #hate that i kind of hate it here #the job isnt coming back it's not the turnover for fulltime is SO low #but i dont know how to start over and i dont know how to want anything else and i spend all my time metaphysically curled in a ball #havent even looked at work stuff for three months #current work kind of uncomfortable for a couple of new and extremely stupid reasons so i need to but #thinking about it makes me want to die more than usual. IVE BEEN PRETTY GOOD ABOUT THE NO DYING TALK but dude it's hard #and im tired and not saying it hasnt changed it because the situation hasnt changed #it's bad and it's not just my shit but i cant do anything even more than usual about the other stuff

[seilon]

oh since it’s past midnight uhh. happy one year on t to me i guess

#weirdly I don’t feel very much emotion over it #but it sure is something #very weird #honestly my number one thought about it rn is just that all the fear mongering my mom did like my whole life but especially right before / #right after going on t was proven to be. well. fear mongering. and all her dumb transphobic claims were proven false pretty much so #that’s. something #like things about how my personality will drastically change and I won’t be the same person anymore or that I’ll be like. #a fucking full grown middle aged man or something and not like. you know. an almost 22 year old dude #and other stuff about ya know the classics. anger and libido and whatever #to be fair the libido part is one of the more true things but by no means is it in the predatory way she’d put it #she basically said at one point that I wouldn’t look at anyone– particularly women– in a non-sexual light ever again #and that I’ll just inherently be thinking about them in a violating sort of way #which is. uh. interesting to say #like wow that rhetoric seems to fit right in with the conservatives you claim to hate so much and their views on trans people but go off #anyway and then the anger thing has just been a total nonissue #I’ve been overall less angry than before generally though admittedly I don’t live with my mom anymore so that helps. but I do live with an #infuriating roommate and haven’t ever legit lashed out at her or anything honestly my patience here has been like. like I deserve an award #overall I’ve just felt more dead inside but that has nothing to do with t really and more to do with losing all my friends and everything i #know and not liking my school and being overworked and having zero friends or doing anything outside school or so on and so on and so on #yeah my life is sort of. miserable but yeah like I said that’s unrelated #what ISNT unrelated is I DEFINITELY haven’t had the style of breakdowns I used to have– ie; I just don’t fucking cry anymore #like basically ever #that’s definitely something to do with t and idk it’s not.. #a good thing or a bad thing. like it has its pros and cons #anyway it’s been. a year #a very weird and very depressing year but t has at least made it so I don’t hate myself when I look in the mirror so that definitely helps #like dysphoria has been nearly a non-issue for quite some time and that’s fucking fantastic that’s a fucking Improvement #i gotta stop talking afgdhfjf I don’t know what I’m saying anymore just. yeah maybe I’ll say more about this later who knows #kibumblabs

[chrismcshell]

theres a provincial election happening in ontario right now & there’s this new “New Blue” party & the house right across from mine - visible from my bedroom window - has a couple of New Blue lawn signs.

i finally looked up what exactly the New Blue party is, & apparently they’re a Socially Conservative party that was created because the existing Conservative party was too left-of-centre for them (fact check: the ontario “Progressive Conservative” party is very much centre-right, NOT centre-left). Doug Ford isnt right-wing enough for them. they want ontario to be MORE right-wing. they want to stop covid lockdowns & vaccine mandates. they want to stop “woke culture”; they want to stop “critical race theory” & “gender identity theory” being taught in schools.

and my neighbours support them. very cool i definitely feel safe here haha :-)

#ray speaks #and then there's another new party calling themselves the Ontario Party that have a similar 'too right-wing even for the conservatives' deal #2 new far-right parties. sooooo cool. and then we have the 'progressive conservative' party which is more 'moderate' right-wing -- #-- & the centrist liberals & centre-left ndp #& the green party who i think are also pretty centrist but idk im not too familiar w the ontario green party #anyway u could argue that it's good to have more rightwing parties because it splits the conservative vote & makes them less likely to win #but. god. it is miserable seeing all these far-right ideas just out there; being pushed by legitimate political parties #idk man i think racist transphobes who demand the freedom to spread a deadly virus maybe shouldnt be allowed to run #politics #canadian politics #ANYWAY im gonna vote ndp even though the ON NDP party has a proud history of ignoring autistic voices & pouring money into the aba industry #theres like. no other option lol #i hate it here !!!!!!!! #& by 'here' i dont mean just ontario; i feel like the whole damn world has been Like This lately #far-right politics on the rise; centrist politics being treated as left-wing.... #+ when it comes to autism-specific issues; ABA is still widely pushed as an ESSENTIAL 'treatment' for autistic kids #it's sickening it's all sickening it all feels so hopeless. when will things get better

[yelloworangesoda]

this got away from me

#i wish i was a rich pretty guy or something but instead im a regular looking regular guy with parents that earn regular money #i was born to be one of those annoying bratty rich kids who dont work ever. that should be me #or something. i complain about work constantly but guys i do not want to go to school. i dont. i dont. i dont i dont. i dont i dont and i #dont know what to do about it. its spring. ive got like a month to figure out how im getting out of this #im not doing this i cannot do this. i cant i cant i cant. im so stressed i can tell im so stressed bc im getting acne and my eczema is awfu #its only a matter of time before i break out in hives or some shit i cant do it i cant do it. i cant. i cant #god everything is really getting to me. i cant i dont have a place here i dont i have no purpose in life and everyone just wants me to act #like. thats not true bc um. well! haha what are you gonna do! haha its fine. keep moving forward. ignore your anxiety and the fact that #everything makes you miserable constantly. and even the things that make you happy make you miserable. ignore that #go to college. normal ppl go to college :) no you want to sleep all day because youre not doing anything. which is a personal failure. #you should instead do something that makes you miserable. thatll fix it. dont kill yourself thats stupid. you have so much to live for! lik #um. well youre supposed to live. so. ignore yknow everything in the world and push forward. bc it will get better! once um. #um. yknow. you graduate in 8 years? be a dentist…. um bc. you like teeth. and it makes money. and well you need the money! youre going to #college!!!! you need that money to pay for it after all. dont think about it dont think about it dont think about it dont think about it #its okay we’ll do everything we can to make it cheaper. to do the thing you dont want to do at all even a little bit. no dont kill yourself #you have so much to live for! a career in something youve never been interested in! or yknow a different career youre not interested in #i dont want to kill myself!!! i dont want to kill myself i want something to fucking live for!!!!!! a want a life that doesnt make me feel #like i have to kill myself!!!!!!!!!! #simons spouting #vent :( #suicide //

[angryborzois]

I'm starting to have the same issue I had in 2021 where I'll always wake up in the middle of the night fearing death out of nowhere and half cry

#angryborzois rambles #this started around a week or two ago #i don't even know why this happens #and when i wake up again later nothings wrong #it's like an impending sense of doom #that we're all going to die #(i sound like im having a heart attack) #im not stressed or depressed idk whats happening #it's not my dreams either #cause all ive been dreaming about is about a toyota 86 #i want to sleep soundly through the night without thinking of death #its such a miserable and terrifying feeling #i didn't think i'd ever have to go through it again but here we are ig #going through it nightly too #😞😞😞 #at least it doesnt accompany dreams like 2021 #im at least grateful im not seeing that all over again #still pretty miserable tho

[toastsnaffler]

one unfortunate thing abt watching bloody violent up-close-and-personal movies is that it makes me even more crazy touchstarved than usual after.. I need to wrestle someone NOW

#i need to BITE. or lie in someones lap and let them stroke my hair #also now my family have left i probably wont even get a hug for a longass time......... its dire out here #ik my flatmate said a while ago she wouldnt mind if i wanted more physical contact or whatever but ik thats not true #bc she always seems so physically uncomfortable near me or moves so distinctly far out of my space like i get the message man #and its just difficult for me for so many complicated reasons. sigh #im just tired of feeling so lonely always all the time. and so ostracised or alienated in every community and relationship in my life #and i know thats my own fucking fault bc im stupidly incapable of allowing myself to trust and believe other people abt anything #and partly also bc im disabled and autistic as shit etcetc and so will always come across weird and Other and i have no control over that #but mostly its my fault. and i dont even know where to begin trying to fix that man. if its even fixable in this lifetime i dont even know #but it sucks ass im so tired of being sad and close to tears 90% of the time i cry on the fucking daily even on good days #dont get me wrong im doing pretty okay at the moment like i dont even really have any Real problems its all just in my fucking head #but unfortunately thats the head i live in. and will live in the rest of my life so i guess im always gonna feel like this on some level #so i need to just accept it and be grateful for the shit i have bc it could be so so much worse #and yet i cant just do that so here we are!!!!!!!!! oh well. #maybe a part of me likes being miserable. or feels like i deserve it. bc im really fucking good at it lmao #anyway i should go to bed soon before this gets worse. at least i dont have work tmr so i can do smth nice or chill all day #and there have been lots of nice things today too.. ah i just need to sleep #sorry for rambling my ass off with my mentally ill monologues again 🙃 well not that sorry bc youll see me do it again lol #.vent #.diaries

[clamorybus]

sometimes i wonder if i'm aromantic, but i'm so disconnected from my own wants and needs in general that it's really hard to parse

#plus ny only relationships have been over the internet when i was 15 #and all but one of them were awful #and my longest one was genuinely scarring #so naturally im reluctant to try again #not to mention that ive been holed up inside and had minimal contact with people outside my family for the last few years #and im broke. and don't have a car. or a driver's license #so i can't really go out and mingle #im pretty sure im not ace #but when i jerk off my fantasies focus on other people and not me #i don't even know how to fantasize about myself in that way tbh #something about it embarrasses me. and scares me. if that makes sense #even outside of romance or sex i do have genuine issues with intimacy and vulnerability #and while ive grown a lot the last couple of years #i don't understand myself very well #i don't know my wants or my needs or my desires #its not even that i struggle telling other people its that i can't even tell myself #like i don't even know what's going on in here ahdjska #im not exactly miserable but im just really alienated from everything. including myself #mickey.txt

[cetoddle]

i love it here i feel so miserable i can barely move but i managed to drag myself out of bed and go into the living room to say hi to my mom who’s on the phone with my grandma and she was just like “oh she came in here looking miserable. anyways” and went back to talking about my sister 😐

#i was gonna complain about something else #but she just came in here and got fucking pissed at me when i wasn’t responding how she wanted me too #cause again. feel like shit. miserable. #i’m literally falling apart #my rooms such a mess and it’s driving me crazy #i haven’t put laundry away in a week #there’s clothes all over the floor i don’t even know what’s clean and what’s not #i’ve pretty much just been wearing the same four pieces of clothing for weeks #i need to dust so bad it’s visibly dirty in here #nothing is organized everything is just stacked on top of everything else #it’s a nightmare in here and i hate it #but i don’t have the energy to do anything about it #im clearly in distress there’s CLEARLY something wrong #but my p*rents are actively choosing to ignore it #…. #im in such a weird position #where my sisters always been the problem child and is always causing some kind of stir #and ever since i was a kid i’ve been pretty self sufficient #so that means when i AM having a problem. i just get ignored #cause they assume i’ll ‘figure it out on my own like i always do’ #and they always say i’m the good kid who never causes them any problems #that’s because it’s literally impossible for me to #of course i’m the good kid every time i have some kind of problem you actively ignore it. you pretend it’s not happening #of course i always figure things out on my own you never help me when i need it #i have literally !! no other choice ! #im so tired #im tired of always being alone and having to do literally everything alone #how is that fair huh #.. #snow.txt